#this is of course also me having a lot of lapsed-catholic issues

[shredsandpatches]

Really want to see the church scene in Gounod Faust staged with Marguerite and Mephistopheles on opposite sides of a confessional screen (I would not be surprised if this is common but I haven't seen that many productions). I think it'd really underscore the psychological/spiritual horror and violation going on in that scene.

[fantasyfantasygames]

Critical Mass

Critical Mass: A Catholic Canto, Canto Games, 1997

The gist of the game is this: you are radioactive Catholic priest/saint superheroes. You sold me right there.

I don't know a lot of the backstory of this game, but I did a little poking around on the 'pedia and my conclusion is that the author was either a lapsed Catholic or a Religious Studies student. The game involves some deep, deeeep cuts of Catholic esoterica. Anything in the Book of Revelations is the shallow end of the pool here. Expect some apocrypha and some saints you've never heard of. Expect a random line from Timothy or Colossians to result in a potential superpower (Profane Babbling and Rescued from Darkness, respectively).

The game doesn't try to model "street-level" characters like Robin or the Punisher. Those are just handled with "Do you have the right background in your hundred-word pre-ascension backstory? Awesome, don't botch." Instead, superpowers are the core of your character. You spend points on set of fairly badass powers, like "Healing Stigmata" and "Blinded by Glory". They'd fit into a lot of EXTREME!! 90s comics well. The art matches.

One issue is that the number of powers can vary a lot. You have 100 points, and point values are on the Fibonacci sequence, so you can have one power at level 11, two of them at 9 and an 8... or twenty of them at 5. And 5 is still pretty useful. You can use Wings of the Angels at 5 to fly at 60 miles an hour. You can lift a car with Strength of Samson 5. What would you like for your other eighteen powers? The pregens all have powers rated from 6-10, and it feels like the authors just didn't quite game things out. The fact that the XP system is linear instead, with a mandatory spend per power, means that your high-stat characters are going to "transubstantiate" (go thermonuclear) at power level 15 much more quickly.

Your foes are, of course, demons and anti-popes and all sorts of generally evil dudes. Not much is given in the way of GM advice, but they do mention the Seven Deadly Sins as a good organizing principle for what the opposition is up to. There's an antichrist metaplot behind the scenes, or maybe I'm just assuming that from some miscellaneous marginalia.

There's also a supplement: Mass Casualties. It's a standard main-book-overflow book, plus a sample scenario that focuses around the theft of a saint's plutonium finger-bone.

You can find Critical Mass 4th Edition these days on critical-mass.church or wherever fake Chick Tracts are sold.

[notsosilentsister]

Someone on twitter got into hot waters for their controversial take on the importance of reading for writing - namely that it was ablist to shit on writers who don't read much. This provoked a lot of outrage: Why would you even want to write if you don't love books, if you don't love reading? Of course the outrage-provoker did actually love reading; they had been an avid reader in their youth, were merely currently unable to read as much due to health issues.

The discourse also made me feel some sort of way. I would never dismiss the importance of reading for writing. Also, I don't currently read all that much.

I don't really have health issues to blame for that; it's more a question of time and attention span, probably a familiar story for people with full time jobs and other obligations, who mostly just want to veg out in front of a screen in their measly spare time. It can be hard to keep up the childhood bookworm-bona-fides as someone who's dependent on wage labour in a capitalist system. The sort of books I like most aren't really suitable for vegging out, but that's really all I'm usually capable of during a work week.

Strangely, I didn't at all feel adressed by the "writers who don't read a lot"-category at first, although it objectively applies (or would apply, if I actually were to write anything). Turns out I'm perfectly capable of resting on my childhood-and-college reading laurels, and still see myself as an avid reader, who just happens to not currently read a lot.

More accurately maybe, I'm a lapsed reader. Just like I'm a lapsed catholic, a lapsed heterosexual, a lapsed woman. But I've never attached too much importance to the "lapsed" part of these identifiers. I guess I've always had a fairly generous (or rather sloppy) approach to identifiers in general; I've never been overly concerned with perfect accuracy. There seems so be some nebulous aura that tends to stick with me, even if any efforts towards any form of associated practice (believing the doctrine, having sex with men, performing femininity, reading a lot of books) have long been discontinued. The truth is that at some point all these things were profoundly aspirational to me, and those aspirations, and occasionally, their frustration, have been undeniably formative for me.

Of all these lasped identities, my feelings about reading are least complicated. I feel a could get back into the swing of things any moment, with a bit more leisure. I do think people can get a bit too precious about books. There's a lot of overly pious class and virtue signalling going on in some of these spaces; tiresome debates about whether audio-books or graphic novels count as books, baseless snobbery about genres, weird obsessions with quantity over quality when it comes to hitting that good-reads goal, a masochistic compulsion to finish books you don't connect with out of a misdirected sense of duty and an often resulting outsized sense of betrayal if writers don't deliver on the promise of the premise - I will have no business with any of that.

But I am a reader, will always be a reader, for the simple reasons that books have been there for me at some of the shittier times in my life and I've never found a better cure for when I'm getting properly sick of myself.

[lilydalexf]

Old School X is a project interviewing X-Files fanfic authors who were posting fic during the original run of the show. New interviews are posted every Tuesday.

Interview with Circe Invidiosa

Circe Invidiosa has 11 stories at Gossamer, but there are even more X-Files stories at her website. Some of my favs I’ve recced here before, like Make It Worse and Slap a Goatee On Me and Call Me Evil. She also made a bunch of X-Files collage art, including some cover art for fics (hers and others), which you probably saw if you were reading fic back when authors posted fics on their own websites where art could be shared. Big thanks to Circe Invidiosa for doing this interview.

Does it surprise you that people are still interested in reading your X-Files fanfics and others that were posted during the original run of the show (1993-2002)?

Well, it would surprise me if people did read my fic. As it happens, I don't hear much feedback from my fic these days. Probably because the bulk of it is on Gossamer and my own site rather than AO3. Also, I was never a BNA. I worked a lot behind the scenes – hosting other authors' sites and making fanart and dustjackets. I think that's what I'd be remembered for, if anything.

What do you think of when you think about your X-Files fandom experience?

I miss the collective excitement and discussions we had as groups. When you got in with a group in the XF fandom, you felt like you knew everybody there. Now the fandom feels a little faceless except for the people I still follow from my old groups.

Social media didn't really exist during the show's original run. How were you most involved with the X-Files online (atxc, message board, email mailing list, etc.)?

Most of my experience was on Yahoo Groups. I joined Scullyfic while it was still there and then E-muse when it became an e-mail list, which I'm still a part of. I was part of several Yahoo Groups (can't remember all of them now), where I'd post my fic, RealPlayer slideshows (remember those?!), and collages. I never really took part in discourse because I'm shy and don't think anyone cares about my opinions (still don't!). The e-mail address I used for those groups was purged a couple of years ago, so I've lost all those messages.

What did you take away from your experience with X-Files fic or with the fandom in general?

My take away is that fanfic made me a better writer, thanks to having some great betas, and it made me a better professional writer for it (my real-life work is writing but not fun writing) because I learned to take criticism.

I also used to make a lot of fanart, collages and dustjackets for fic mostly. My big take away from that was that I really got into graphics and I got super proficient at Photoshop, which helped my own artistic endeavours and photography. I didn't realize how much skill I had developed until I've had to help someone with their graphics or photo editing.

What was it that got you hooked on the X-Files as a show?

My mother was watching X-Files before I was and she was raving about it. I don't have a great relationship with my mom, but one thing she was usually right about was TV shows. It's where I got my love of Sci-Fi.

I think the first episode I watched was Ice, which definitely hooked me. As for when the shipping started, I remember we were watching Lazarus, and when Mulder was yelling at Lula (I had to look that up) about hurting the hostage Scully, my mom said, "Oh, he's so in love with her." And I was all, "What?! Pfff." But then I could not stop thinking about it. And then I thought about it way, way too much.

What got you involved with X-Files fanfic?

I was in my late 20s, and it was around the end of S7 and I kept thinking about what if these two dumb idiots actually talked one day. And I kept thinking about dialogue in my head about what they'd actually say. The internet was still in its infancy back then, but I'd seen fan sites here and there. So I decided to search around to see if other people were talking about it and thinking about it like I was. I was such a noob I'd never even heard of fanfic. Imagine my delight when I discovered it. I found a few stories and thought, 'Well, I can do that.' And I wrote up my first story, found a place to post it (wasn't Ephemeral the best?), got some kind feedback, found a really nice person (not sure she wants to be named since she used her real name in the fandom back in the day) who encouraged me a lot and directed me to all the e-mail lists and Yahoo Groups that I needed to be on, and then, Bob's your uncle, I wrote more and more.

What is your relationship like now to X-Files fandom?

Periphery. Most of my experience in any fandom is now on Tumblr because that's where my attention span is. Show me pretty pictures and funny stuff. I am old now and don't want to think hard.

Were you involved with any fandoms after the X-Files? If so, what was it like compared to X-Files?

Veronica Mars was my next fandom experience. A number of my XF friends got me hooked on VM. The VM fandom was a LOT younger compared to the XF fandom. When I joined the XF fandom, I was the kid compared to most of the other fans who were all goddesses and royalty in my eyes. But in the VM fandom, I was in my 30s and the rest of the fandom were all in their early 20s if not younger. It often showed, so I stayed out of discussions and just posted my fic once I started writing it. I took a new handle (invida) when I started writing VM fic. Just in case these kids felt like my writing sucked, I didn't want it getting back to the XF fandom that I’d branched out and failed spectacularly.

By then fandom experiences had moved over to LiveJournal. I never really got involved in the discourse or the fandom fights. I knew what people were saying and where the schisms were, but I was all about the fanfic and the pretty pictures. Most of my LJ friends just discussed the episodes and posted their fic and that was good with me.

What got me writing fic for VM was Anjou's brilliant VM fic Into the Blue. Seriously, if you love VM S1, read her fic. Just so beautiful.

VM was also where started writing a WIP, which was a wild trip. I wrote a much-loved WIP called Damn, Damn the Circumstance which people still ask me about finishing to this day. Someday…*wistful sighs*

Who are some of your favorite fictional characters? Why?

Scully. She was everything! Lapsed Catholic, degrees in science, skeptic, always trying to work within the rules but still not taking crap. Yeah, she was the best.

Veronica Mars was great until she wasn't. I have a lot of issues with her beyond S2. And don't even talk to me about S4. For me, S1 was the best, I enjoyed the movie, the books were okay, but nothing else happened after that. NOTHING.

And the first character I ever loved was Princess Leia. She was also everything to me growing up. I wanted to be her. I still do.

Do you ever still watch The X-Files or think about Mulder and Scully?

Now and then. Not as much as I used to. I sometimes have it on in the background when I'm doing other things. Back before the pandemic, my BFF and I would have get togethers where we would play Scrabble, eat a lot of candy, and binge several XF episodes. I miss doing that. Hopefully, we will get back to that soon.

Do you ever still read X-Files fic? Fic in another fandom?

I am not an active XF fanfic reader right now. I will read any stories my friends put out. Otherwise, I only occasionally read some I come across on Tumblr in my feed, but I am not seeking them out. I will beta for any XF author who asks me as well.

I am reading fic in other fandoms though – Endeavour, Broadchurch, Sherlock…huh, I'm just realizing that's a lot of British stuff. I have been really into British detective series for the last few years.

Do you have any favorite X-Files fanfic stories or authors?

I used to run an XF fic recommendation site called How Will It End usually with at least one other person (I went through at least 4 partners on that project because I'm a control freak). We'd compile our recs and then I'd post them on my site. We'd also feature authors we really liked and interview them. Not unlike these interviews!

I'm terrible at giving feedback/comments. So I solved that problem by making a rec site. That way I could tell authors I loved their fics by recommending them. I didn't have to comment, I'd just say, 'I'd like to rec your fic'. And then they'd get promotion. Win-win. Back in those days, the fandom would absolutely roast you for promoting your own fic, so to get on a rec site was a big deal. Not that I had a popular rec site or anything. But I think authors really enjoyed being asked.

All that to say I've liked a lot of fics. I can pull up the archives of HWIE and show you all the faves I liked. :)

What is your favorite of your own fics, X-Files and/or otherwise?

Back in the day, E-muse would hold Improv Challenges, where other members would give you a prompt that you had to include in your fic. I was always really proud of the stories I created from those challenges (No Earthly Means and Elephant in the Room if you want to read them).

I enjoyed writing Dead to Rights which is an XF/Dead Like Me crossover because I loved the challenge of writing a crossover. It was the first crossover I ever tried writing even though I only recently published it.

Otherwise, I like re-reading In a Graveyard, Importuning Life for Life, and Some By Virtue Fall. Of my more recent fic, I like Slap a Goatee on Me and Call Me Evil because the premise was ridiculous and I think it's funny as all get out.

Probably my favourite of my VM fic was Stay Outta Riverdale. Because: 1. The title is a Simpsons reference who doesn't love a Simpsons reference? And 2. I think I was hilarious throughout it.

Do you think you'll ever write another X-Files story? Or dust off and post an oldie that for whatever reason never made it online?

I'm always open to writing more fic (and, of course, I don't mean my WIPs…don't look at me like that). Lately, my only motivation has been from writing prompts on Tumblr. I haven't had anyone give me a prompt in over a year, so here we are. I have snippets of dialogue in journals and word documents that have never found their way into stories. I'd be happy to dust off any of those and shoehorn them into a new story.

Do you still write fic now? Or other creative work?

The last fanfic I wrote was a mini-fic over a year ago (with a prompt from Lilydale!). I've written a bit of original fiction but I haven't been able to finish it. Otherwise, I do have a number of real life hobbies which are where my creative outlets lie now.

Where do you get ideas for stories?

Lately, challenges and prompts. It used to be from wanting to see more from a scene. I really had a thing for fill-in-the-blanks or scene continuations. And sometimes my motivation is just plain old spite. :)

What's the story behind your pen name?

Circe Invidiosa is the title of a painting by John William Waterhouse. Love the colours and the absolute malice on the face of the subject. It felt like a good pen name – the envious witch. That's me!

I chose it when I posted my first XF fic (which I cringe to read now, ugh so terrible) without knowing there was already a Circe in the fandom. Whoops. I tried to go by the full Circe Invidiosa or Invidiosa as much as possible after realizing that (invidiosa is my url and my username on a lot of sites, etc.). Now I think that I've been around long enough that it doesn't matter as much but I still like it.

As I said, I took the name Invida for the VM fandom which is just a shortening of Invidiosa.

Do your friends and family know about your fic and, if so, what have been their reactions?

My significant other knows and that was quite a reveal (oh how awkward). However, the SO has been very supportive and has read all my stories since the reveal and sometimes betas them. The SO also wants us to collaborate on writing some original fiction but we haven't found a project that works for both of us creatively or timewise.

My BFF knows because I dragged her into the online fandom. We've known each other since we were 14, but our love of XF really solidified our bond in our 20s. She wrote some short but sweet fics under the penname Helen Quilley which I bullied her into posting, and we wrote Of Ladies Most Deject and Wretched together. She is mostly embarrassed that she wrote fanfic now but we still fangirl together.

No one else really knows other than fandom folks I've met in real life. And some friends know I've written 'short stories' but I don't elaborate. I work in a stodgy, uptight industry where anything fun or actually having a life is frowned upon.

Is there a place online (tumblr, twitter, AO3, etc.) where people can find you and/or your stories now?

Over the first lockdown, I got my shit together and got my fic site, invidiosa.com, up and running again. My site houses fic by Rain (now @doctorhelena on Tumblr and AO3), Helen Quilley, ML (who I miss so much), Folieadeux, Shelba, TLynn, Oracle, Piper Sargasso, Diehard, and me. And I made all their dustjackets (except Folie's). The site got hacked a few years back and it was so much work to get running again that I put it off for years and years. I still feel terrible that I did not get the site back up before ML passed away, especially when ML had asked me about it a few months before she passed.

Anyway, all my XF fic is here: circe.invidiosa.com. I have 3 of my newer XF stories on AO3. And my fic-LJ also has some of my stories. Some of the newer stories are on Tumblr but the tagging is so erratic that I'd have to list several tags before you'd find them all. I don't know why I haven't moved everything over to AO3. Probably laziness.

I'm @invidiosa on Tumblr. I'm still on E-muse. I'm still on LJ. I'm always reachable by e-mail (invidiosa at gmail).

Is there anything else you'd like to share with fans of X-Files fic?

Thanks for reading, writing, and commenting. It is always appreciated.

(Posted by Lilydale on January 5, 2021)

[thecsquirrel]

The last time I was effusive and hopeful about a show that was centered around a bad ass woman warrior, interesting mythology, blood, guts, and maintext Queerness, Syfy ripped my heart out of my chest and canceled the show; therefore, I’m going to try to temper my glee and even my praise for Netflix’s Warrior Nun.

Side note:  We need to really talk about Netflix’s promos and advertising.  The algorithm is the only reason why I found this show, much like October Faction (another canceled show. Ugh.)

Light spoilers ahead...

The Great and Good:

A fun take on the age old good and evil demon fighting story.

Love the setting and the use of Catholicism which lends the show a great mix of Gothicism and of course Women With Swords!  

Shotgun Mary and Sister Beatrice. Period.  For me (and judging by responses plenty of others) they are the heart of the show.  There are moments when their characters feel tropey, but Toya Turner’s honesty and Kristina Young’s subtlety keep the characters from being throw away.

The action.  Everybody got in on it at some point and I was not disappointed.  Beatrice’s hallway fight, Mary and Sister Lilith in all time zones. LOL.  The final fight.  Seriously, they were all well done and well executed. 

The Meh

Ava, Ava, Ava.  The annoying obnoxious lead played cheekily and so pitch-perfect that I want hollered with happiness when Mary booted her off that cliff.  LOL   But seriously, Ava’s character is actually a good thing.  Another post I saw reminded me that Ava’s turn as the seemingly unworthy hero who is imbued with super powers but is also a complete selfish assshat until they learn to grow- is one we don’t often get for female characters.   Normally, it is the cis-male white heterosexual that gets to be a jerk while becoming the hero and we accept it, but here it’s a young woman and my word, do I want to punch her.  In fact, the scene where Beatrice calls her out is nicely done and more importantly it was resolved maturely.  

About those twists and reveals

Most of the twists I enjoyed, even the ones I suspected.  I will say that after sitting with it for a day, I, too, agree that the final reveal did not need to happen.  It was unnecessary.  Obviously, it changes the dynamic so it will be interesting

My Big Gripe

Holy Disappearing Lesbians!  Now, listen, as a pretty much lapsed Catholic I KNOW there are issues (to put lightly) with homosexuality but it is 20 damn 20 in the worst year of forever and I think we have moved past the point of subtext-only Lesbians/Gay/Queer people.  

I am here for not having to throw a ticker-tape parade with rainbows and unicorns every time a Queer person comes across the screen, but let’s also be EXPLICIT and CLEAR. 

GIVE ME MY DAMN SHANNON/MARY FLASHBACK YOU COWARDS!!!   

And I get it, they are nuns and it’s the church, but come the bleep on.  If one more person said “your friend” to Mary, I was going to punch through the screen.  (It was like my mother introducing my gf after I came out and she was clearly still struggling but she was also really trying. Whew!  Trigger.) 

Anyway, fix that shit for next season. And yes, Ava and Beatrice for a nice slow burn win.  

Closing Thoughts

Ultimately, this turned out to be a lot better than I thought it was going to be.  I’m not really happy about that cliffhanger they left us with, so maybe they know they are getting renewed.  If not, that’s just irresponsible. There is clearly a wealth of material here and plenty of mysteries to figure out and demons to fight, so perhaps it will get another shot.  I won’t hold my breath because again, SyFy and Vagrant Queen.  (Yes, somewhere is another rant about shows with Black/POC leads and how they are not promoted -on Netflix at least- and how they are not given a chance to grow, but I will save that for after Warrior Nun gets renewed.)

Happy Binging! 

[hms-chill]

The Chaos Before the Storm

@teresalisbon asked for “a RWRB AU where they didn't have that first kiss but they're still friends and what leaks this time is like a private convo between Henry and pez where he manages to both insult and say he's in love with alex and... it goes from there”, and I hope this is everything you wanted! 

If you’re not sold by that, my working title for this was “Alex’s Bi Awakening: Speed-Run Edition”

Just a quick heads up that there is homophobia from Henry’s gran in here, and a reference to using alcohol to cope with that. Stay safe y’all.

-

There are some moments in history that people say they'll never forget. They'll know exactly where they were when they heard the news, know exactly what they were doing and remember it for the rest of their lives. Alex has always been a bit skeptical of that; high school psych taught them about the formation of memories and how easily they can change, and they looked at studies of people confidently claiming two different stories about where they were on 9/11. But he knows that, for the rest of his existence on planet earth, he will remember this day shot by shot, exactly as it happens.

He's on a couch with Nora and June, watching old episodes of Parks and Rec and trying to relax for once when Zahra slams open the door.

"Alexander Gabriel, what did you do?" There's a laptop in her hand, and she slams it on the coffee table in front of them moments after Alex snatches his coffee. June barely has time to pause the TV before Henry's voice is coming out of the laptop speakers, and Alex feels a familiar warmth spread through him before the dread kicks in. This isn't Press Henry, this is a private version of Henry. It's a Henry that should never, ever, be playing from a major news website, but Zahra is playing it from the Mail's homepage nonetheless.

"He just drives me up the fucking wall. I mean, he’s so impulsive all the time; he doesn’t even stop to consider that maybe not all of us can just flaunt everything we are to the world. Maybe, just maybe, some of us have families who won’t support us, and if he could understand that... he’s just so bloody thick, and I hate it so much sometimes. Beside that, he just... he doesn’t listen, or pick up on things; he’s so... you know how Mark Hamill didn't know that Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford were sleeping together when they were filming A New Hope, so he'd just show up for breakfast to hang out? He's like that. He's so confident and sure of himself, but he misses so many things, and I'm trying so hard, but he... I just don’t understand how he can be so... so much, and so himself all the time, especially when everyone’s watching him. I mean, you can do it, but you... you’re only in the public eye because of me.”

“Careful, Babes. I’m more than just your arm candy and attention sponge.” It's Pez's voice, and that makes it worse somehow. Henry is talking to one of the two people who have always been on his side, and it's available for anyone on the planet to listen to.

“You’re also not the son of the president of a global powerhouse.”

“If he makes you so upset, you could just stop seeing him.”

“This is a ‘mope about being in love with an idiot’ session; I don’t actually want you to tell me things. I can’t stop seeing him and we both know it. I’m... I fell too hard, Pez. It was that blasted day in Rio; I was just trying to get through and then he waltzes in, all sunlight and warmth, and he never stopped being that way. Never even gave me a chance to save myself. He’s just all this love and coziness and sunlight, and I’m just a bloody Icarus, I can’t... I’m going to burn myself up just to be near him.“

“Okay, Mister, I think that’s enough of this.” There’s a rustling sound, and a few feeble protests from Henry before he lapses back into singing Alex’s praises.

"He's just... his hair is so nice, and he doesn't care, and he's... he's not scared. I'm so scared all the time, but he's not. He's tough and brave."

"So are you, Hen." There are more sounds of movement, and the voices start moving away. Pez must have gotten Henry up.

"Not as brave as him. He's... he's just himself in front of everyone."

Zahra closes the laptop, turning to Alex. "It cuts off there. This leaked from Buckingham ten minutes ago; we're not sure how or why it happened. But so help me, if you are seeing the prince of Wales, we need to know yesterday."

"I'm... If I'm what? If I'm... no. No, Henry and I are... we're friends. I'm straight. And maybe sometimes I think about how his hair looks really soft and his lips look nice and he looks good in a suit but that’s, like, objective stuff. And one time he spoke French and I couldn't get my brain to work for like two minutes, but that's just because it's impressive when someone knows multiple languages. And yeah, maybe I haven’t been interested in dating since we started hanging out, but we’ve been busy. And maybe he’s the first person I’ve met in years that I can’t imagine a life without, and sometimes I think about how much I miss him when I can't sleep because one time we shared a hotel bed because we were drunk and it was really, really nice, but that’s just like... friend stuff. I mean, yeah, maybe last time we were at the lake house he had his shirt off and I thought about it for like two weeks after, but — oh my god, am I bi?”

Nora’s buried her face in her hands, her shoulders shaking with laughter. Near the door, Amy’s face sinks into her hand, and June heaves a long-suffering sigh.

“Jesus Christ, Alex. You used to sneak into my room to leave greasy little fingerprints all over a picture of him; how are you so smart and yet still this stupid?”

"But I... if I was... shit, I'm... I'm not seeing him, but maybe I want to? Fuck, Z, how is he?"

“Buckingham’s shut down; they’re not talking to anyone. We’re calling every five minutes, but it’s radio silence.”

“I’ll— can I text him? That should be okay, right?”

“You can try. This... we were planning to issue a statement saying the two of you are just good friends, but maybe you should talk to him first. I’ll... your mom doesn't know yet; she's in a secure meeting, but I'm sure we’ll back your play, Alex.”

“I need... I need to talk to Henry.” Henry who he’s been drawn to for years. Henry who’s seen all his weird gross parts and apparently loves him anyway. Henry who just got outed on a major level. Alex isn’t mentioned by name on the recording; lots of important people were in Rio that day. They could claim it’s not about him, and that could be it, but Henry’s stuck. It is undeniably him, and it is undeniably gay.

So Alex texts him. And when he doesn’t answer, he calls. And when that doesn’t go through, he calls again, then calls Bea. And, god bless her, she answers the phone.

“How is he?”

“Alex, I need—“

“Is Henry okay? I need to talk to him.”

“You and the rest of the bloody world.”

“How is he? Is he... what happened?”

“We think a big came in on a bottle of brandy. Gran is furious; we’re not meant to be speaking to anyone outside until he's... until she’s sent him on a date. She’s trying to get one lined up now. I'm... I'm trying to get one of my friends to go, so at least he'll know the girl, but...”

“How is he?”

“He... he’s not good, Alex. He’s... it’s not been good here. Pez was by but they wouldn’t let him in, but they let bloody Phillip come down. Mum stopped by, but she hasn’t been good for much of anything since Dad died. It... I’m just trying to keep him from getting absolutely sloshed or panicking too much. It's... it's mostly crisis management, if I’m honest.”

“Can I talk to him?”

Bea sighs, then says, “Let me ask him. He’s... I think he’s scared to talk to you, Love.”

“I... I understand. I’m not mad, or... or anything. We just... we need to talk. I... I’ll come there. It’ll take ages, but if it’ll help, I... I’ll come to y’all and talk to him face to face.” Alex looks around to see if anyone is going to tell him that won’t work, but he’s alone except for June, stretched out on the couch and trying not to listen. He's not sure when Zahra and the others left, but he's suddenly glad.

“I’ll... I’ll ask him. Give me a moment.”

There’s a bit of white noise, then Alex can hear Bea quietly asking Henry something. He can’t hear the response, but what he can hear of Henry’s voice breaks his heart. It’s shaky, but beyond that it just sounds flat, defeated. All the life, all the beautiful honest bits that make it Henry’s voice, have gone out of it. Alex can picture him, huddled in a couch corner in one of Buckingham’s impersonal rooms full of dead people’s furniture, and it’s awful. Bea says something else, then she’s back, quietly.

“Now’s... he’s not quite up to it. I’m sorry; it’s... it’s been a long few hours, and he...”

“I get it. I know. Just... I hope he’s okay. Tell him that? That I... I’m on his side, and whatever Catholic is left in me is praying to any saint who might be willing to help us out? And when... when he does feel up to it, if he could call me, I... I’d like that. Thank you, Bea.”

“Of course. I... we’ll be thinking about you, too. And whatever Gran says, I’m not going to let them cut you and Pez out of things. You’re just as much a part of this as anyone.”

“Thank you. I'm... I'm glad he has you to love him and fight for him. You’re a gift, Bea, you really are.”

“So are you, you know. I... if he had to give this much of himself to anyone, I’m glad it was you.”

Alex manages a thank you and a goodbye past the sudden lump in his throat, then hangs up and turns to June.

“Uh, Bug? If... if I fly to England right now to try to sort this out, that’s stupid, right?”

“Supremely. I’ll ask if Amy or Cash are free to go with you, and I’ll see if Zahra can get you a hotel in case they won’t let you into Buckingham. Pack for at least three days, and bring your navy suit, the one you wore when Mom got elected. Pack those X-Wing cufflinks if you feel like they’re lucky, silver tie clip, dark gray tie and shoes in case you're meeting the queen. You’ll want a book for the flight, and I’ll get some snacks from the kitchen, then I’ll... I’ll hold down the fort here. Nora and Mom and I will figure out something to say to distract the press from this for as long as we can. We’ll start fostering a litter of kittens or something; the press loves a cute photo op, and we should raise awareness for shelter pets anyway.”

“You’re the best, Bug, I mean it.”

“Oh, and uh, Nora and I... we got you something. I’ll bring it with the snacks.”

She shoos him into his room to pack, and she's back a few minutes later with a bag of snacks and a little pin. It's a lapel pin with two flags, and for a second, Alex assumes it's got the British and American flags, a final component to his just-in-case-you-meet-the-queen look. But then he looks closely, and it’s an American flag and a bi pride flag. He's surprised to realize he's a little choked up.

“Nora's already started trying to find out where the leak came from, but, uh, we love you a lot, and we wanted you to know that as soon as you wanted to tell us.”

“How long have y’all known?”

“Honestly? I knew something was up when I found those fingerprints on Henry’s picture in that magazine. I... I left my door open and didn't throw it out or move it so you could keep going back and tell me whenever you were ready. Nora knew pretty early too; definitely before you and Liam got together. We got this once you and Nora broke up though. And... and a few more. We got like three different flags so we’d be ready no matter what.”

“Before me and Liam... fuck, did I date Liam? Was that a relationship?”

“Alex, I love you so much and I genuinely think you’re brilliant, but sometimes I wonder if your brain is in your head.”

“But we... shit. Shit; I should call him.”

“And do what, Alex? What in the world would calling him do?”

“I don’t know; I could apologize? Catch up?”

“You’re about to fly across an ocean to get yourself a royal boyfriend. Calling your accidental high school ex to 'catch up' can wait.”

“You’re right. Did... did Mom and Z say I can go?”

“They did. I think Z’s going with you, and so’s Cash. They’re prepping a plane now.”

“Thanks, Bug. You... you’re the best.”

“You have everything you need?”

“I think so? Pajamas, clothes, that suit you said, shoes, chargers and adapters...”

“You bring a book?”

“A couple. And hot Cheetos, because Pez likes those but they don’t have them. And a chocolate orange for Henry, because he likes those, and those weird new Oreos, because tradition. It’s good luck to bring them weird Oreos, and they’re always curious about the weird new flavor, even if half of them are shit.”

“It’s going to be fine. We love you, okay? No matter what happens, we love you.”

“I know. I’m not worried about me, I’m... it’s him I’m worried about. His grandma’s already setting up a fake date for him, and he’s all alone in that big palace full of dead people’s shit. And he... it’s just him and Bea against everyone, and I’m scared. I know I've got you and mom and everyone here on my side, but he's... I just... even if it all goes to shit for us, I want him to be okay.”

“And here I thought he was the Prince Charming of the relationship. Go get him, Alex. We’re rooting for you.” She hugs him, and he hugs her back. She beams at him as she pulls away. "This is so Austen; he’ll love it. Very ‘Tilney-going-after-Catherine’ at the end of Northanger. Send Bea and Pez my love, alright? And tell Henry we're all rooting for him here.”

“Of course.”

She’s got another hug for him, then they’re downstairs, and he’s hugging his mom and Nora and climbing in a car with Zahra and Cash. He calls Bea again from the air, and it sounds like Henry’s the closest to sleep he’s going to get. His date is set for the next day, and Bea knows the details. With that, they start to formulate a plan.

The next day, Alex is at the English Rose Café and Tea Shop at 9:48 AM. He’s in a hat, and he sits at an outdoor table with his back to the street. He gets a double espresso, because it’s been a hell of a last 24 hours. Cash is somewhere being inconspicuous, and Alex isn’t sure where exactly that is, but he can feel the support radiating off him.

At 9:52, Pez walks into the shop and sits down near one of the windows. He waves to Alex, and Alex nods, smiling a bit. Bea arrives at 9:56 and joins Pez. Alex’s leg is bouncing under the table. He doesn’t order another coffee, even if he wants to, because any more energy in his system would almost certainly be a disaster.

At 9:58, a very pretty girl sits down at a table near Alex. She smiles at him, he smiles back. He drops a napkin, they both bend to get it, and he hands her a note. She nods.

At 10:01, Alex sees a car pull up behind them in the reflection in the shop’s big front windows. The person who steps out barely looks like Henry. He moves robotically to sit across from the girl, and when he sits, Alex can see the bloodshot eyes, the shaking hands. He’s trying so hard to play the part he’s supposed to play, but he just looks miserable.

He can barely meet the girl’s eyes. The car leaves, but the photographer it drops off is anything but subtle. The girl pushes her hair back and orders for both of them. Henry just nods. The camera clicks.

Then there’s Cash’s voice, asking for directions in the Spanish he’s picked up from the Diaz family. Alex glances over, and the photographer is distracted.

The girl at Henry’s table excuses herself to go to the bathroom. Alex waits a second, then slides over to sit in front of Henry. For a second, he doesn’t react, so Alex reaches over to take one of the shaking hands in his own. Henry starts.

“Alex? What... you can’t be here. This... you can’t...”

“It’s okay. It’s... we need to talk, but just... I’m... fuck, I thought this would be easier to say. I want... if you want to date I’d be down for that. But also I really like being friends. But also, if you wanted to do more than that, I... I’ve maybe very suddenly realized I’ve had a crush on you since I was twelve. I can see Bea’s friend coming, but this is the address for the hotel where I’m staying. She’s going to suggest a walk after this, and if... if you want to talk, I’ll be there. I’m in your corner no matter what, though. Nora and June and everyone back home is, too. You’re the bravest person I know, and I love you.”

Alex is back in his seat before Henry has time to respond, leaving the hotel’s business card on the table. Bea’s friend comes to sit across from Henry, Cash breaks off his conversation with the photographer, and Alex pays for his coffee inside. He stops at Bea and Pez’s table to fill them in, then goes back to his hotel.

He gets there at 10:14. Cash appears by his side at 10:15. Zahra is down from her room at 10:28 to let them know that Buckingham’s official plan is to publish the pictures of the date and act like nothing incriminating was leaked.

At 10:33, Henry and Bea’s friend round the corner. She has an arm around his waist, but it looks more like she’s supporting him than anything else. She asks him something, and he nods. She starts toward them, waving a bit, and Alex is moving almost before he’s aware of it. He meets them half a block from the hotel, wrapping an arm around Henry, too. Bea’s friend shoots him a little smile. Henry is shaking like a leaf, but he gets an arm over Alex’s shoulder nonetheless.

At the hotel, they say goodbye to Bea’s friend, and Alex leads the way to the elevator. He can feel his heart racing, but he’s doing everything he can to stay calm. This isn’t his moment to panic.

The minute the hotel door closes behind them, Alex hugs Henry with everything in him. He can feel the tension in Henry’s body, and he’s been seeing the exhaustion all day, and he wants nothing more than to get rid of all of it. He wants to squeeze the sadness and the anxiety and all the bad things out. But Henry’s still shaking, and he doesn’t move to hug Alex back. After a minute, Alex pulls away and Henry says, “I... I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t... I didn’t... I...”

“Hen? It’s okay. Let’s... let’s sit down.” He has no idea if this is the right thing to do, but he sits on the couch, pulling Henry down with him.

“I’m sorry. I... that shouldn’t... this shouldn’t have happened. None of this should have happened, and you never should have gotten pulled into this, and you have every right to be mad and never speak to me again and I... I’m sorry.”

“What? I’m... I'm not mad. Don’t apologize. I... I’m... I think maybe I have a crush on you, too. It... no, I don’t think. I know I have a thing for you. Sorry; it’s... with time zones and everything, I think it’s been just a little over a day since I realized I was bi, so it’s... it’s an adjustment.”

Henry lets out a bit of a laugh at that, and though it’s miles from what his laugh should be, it’s better than the panic or tears. It's miles better than the numbness he's seen all day.

“That doesn’t change things, though. I mean, I’m into you, but me being bi doesn’t change anything. This whole thing doesn’t have to change anything; if you want to we can just... we can ignore it and go back to being friends.”

Henry shakes his head, and Alex feels a bit of a thrill. “I... I don’t... no. Don’t ignore it. I... if you want to, it... I don’t know if I can, or if I’ll be allowed, but I want... I want to try. With you.”

“Me, too. I really, really want to try with you.”

Henry sniffles a bit, and Alex wraps him in another hug. He buries his face in Alex’s shoulder, and Alex realizes he’s mostly stopped shaking.

“It’s okay. It’s going to be okay, I promise. I’ll make sure.”

“Sorry. I... I might need you to tell me all this again later; I'll think I made it up. I... I’m... I’m a little drunk. I can’t do it sober.”

“Can’t do what?”

“These... these dates. I can’t do them sober anymore, and Bea tried to help today, but she left earlier than me and it...” He trails off with a miserable hiccup.

“Oh, Hen. It’s okay. I’m sorry. I’m sorry they’re doing this to you; it’s not right. It’s... I’m going to fight your grandma and bring you home with me. And then my family are going to love you to pieces, like they already do, and things will be okay.”

Henry lets out a watery laugh as Alex’s phone buzzes. It’s Bea, so he pets Henry’s hair (which is exactly as soft as he used to imagine) and answers, filling her in and letting her know it’s okay to come up. So she and Pez do, and by the time they’re there, Henry is snoring softly with his face in Alex’s shoulder. Bea just smiles and tells them that Henry hasn’t slept since the leak yesterday morning as she drapes a blanket over him. Pez digs through Alex’s bag to unearth a packet of root beer float Oreos, and he and Bea settle around the coffee table to try them.

They facetime the White House to fill everyone in, and though Alex knows they’ve got a fight coming, he’s strangely calm. Henry is safe, and whatever comes next, they have each other and a family to walk through it with.

On AO3

Notes:

Fun fact; Mark Hamill was "too busy being young and pretty" to notice that Carrie Fisher and Harrison Ford were sleeping together/ that he was aggressively cockblocking them on at least one occasion. What an icon. Also, re: June's Northanger reference, Tilney is the Rich Bachelor of the book. His father thinks that Catherine, the hero, isn't good enough for their family and makes her leave their house in a really disgusting show of rudeness and spite. Tilney chases her down and proposes to her anyway, and it's way more romantic and self-sacrificing than anything Fitzwilliam ever did imo. - After this fic, I like to think that Alex, Zahra, and Cash took Henry straight to the airport and back to DC, where he cuddled with the litter of kittens June and Nora picked up and Bea and Pez fought the queen for a while so he could have a break.

[mermaidsirennikita]

Can I bother you for what your ideal The Borgias show would have been, I know you briefly posted a while back about a Reign type thing and Im crazy intrigued by that, if its not a problem!

No problem!

While I prefer the Showtime version of the Borgia fam, I think there are things to be enjoyed about the Canal version–it just frustrates me that the family never got a TV show that I feel was really, truly, entertaining/good TV? Of course that’s all a matter of opinion, and I’ve only watched the Showtime show through, not the other one, so I can really compare my ideal to that show only.

I feel like with The Borgias, they either should have gone completely dark or completely soapy, and the Showtime show did neither. It would have weird little moments like that lady they for some reason chose to replace Isabella d'Este with killing herself bc her husband forced an abortion on her… or something… But overall, it was a way tamer, way more boring show than what it promoted itself as. It would have events like the Banquet of Chestnuts, an orgy in the Vatican at which the pope was probably present, along with Cesare Borgia and some accounts have even indicated Lucrezia, as some… boring-ass thing where Giulia Farnese blackmails old cardinals through prostitutes. Wow. So sexy. So scandalous. The whole show was basically Neil Jordan trying to figure out his lapsed Catholic guilt, when the Borgia family was a POLITICAL family. Like any other POLITICAL family that used the papacy for POLITICAL means, because the papacy at the height of the Italian Renaissance was a POLITICAL ENTITY. Rodrigo Borgia didn’t spend time struggling with his religion, because he actually was a faithful man and didn’t doubt much of what he did because guess what??? Every other powerful pope or cardinal did similar things except not as well as he did them which is part of the reason why everyone hated the family!!! Cesare Borgia didn’t struggle with his religion bc lol lol he was probably a fucking atheist or at best an agnostic with an interest in paganism. (I didn’t really like how the Canal version dealt with his religion early on–Cesare seems to have treated religion as a means to an end pretty early on.)

So let’s throw out the religious angle, except for in regards to dramatic AF shots of people fucking under a cross or something, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT WE’RE HERE FOR. Honestly? Have Rodrigo Borgia be a political guy, not some doddering ridiculous Jeremy Irons caricature. Have it be very fucking obvious that Giulia Farnese was young enough to be his granddaughter, because she was!!! And she was smart, and her brother eventually became pope, and–so much was wasted about Giulia Farnese.

But my main thing is, you either go as accurate as possible, or you embrace making a show about the myth that the family became, rather than who they really were. I can respect that. I have zero issue with Cesare and Lucrezia being portrayed as incestuous lovers, because that was honestly a big part of who they were. They not only dealt with that (incorrect) rumor being a part of their lives–they had a pretty fucked up relationship without any incestuous considerations. (Rodrigo lusting after Lucrezia, I’m not so hot on, because that rumor seems to have been given a lot less credibility than Cesare banging Lucrezia anyway and honestly… Not here for that. At any rate, Rodrigo really didn’t treat Lucrezia strangely at all, he actually loved her, while Cesare was out killing her husband and being Really Fucking Weird so while Lucrezia didn’t deserve those rumors, Cesare was asking for them.)

If you’re going to embrace the rumors, why not have fun with it the way Reign had fun with things? But with better writing? Have Cesare and Lucrezia be Secret Looooovers. Have Lucrezia be torn between her brother, who she really shouldn’t be fucking because he’s her brother, and his Actual Foil, Alfonso d'Aragon, WHO SHE ACTUALLY LOVES. I hated that Showtime’s Alfonso was this lil dork who got stomped on by everyone–and I hated that Lucrezia acted like she loved him and treated him like shit. Have her fall in love with this guy, and ramp up the tragedy of his death and the real emotional perversion of her ultimately forgiving her brother for his murder. Sort of? Or does she? The Showtime show actually had them mention “odi et amo” to each other but never followed through on the love/hate thing and I hated it. Also? If you’re gonna go for the “Borgia siblings were fucking” things, go balls to the wall with it. Have Juan want in, like David Oakes clearly thought he did bc he played it that way on the Showtime show. Have Cesare and Lucrezia not fuck and spend the rest of the season being like “that was bad” bc lbr it’s more fun to see them revel in it.

But also, make Cesare A BAD PERSON. He was one. Don’t have him be provoked into evil, have him be evil because he’s an ambitious motherfucker who’s good at it. Have him be involved in the Perotto murder, not Juan. Have him get into real fights with his father over power, and not have it all be forgiven~. More likely, Rodrigo Borgia eventually gave Cesare more power because he really had been outclassed by that point–GO WITH THAT STUDENT SURPASSES THE MASTER SHIT. It’s all classic, it’s all right there, it’s basically Trashy Godfather in the Renaissance which is what I thought the Showtime show would be but then it wasn’t. Have Cesare Borgia be “Michael Corleone except he wants to fuck his sister” and basically run with the plot from there.

But also if they were going Full Reign and putting a lot of modern music into it then play a lot of Lana Del Rey you know what I’m saying??? Lorde’s “Everybody Wants To Rule The World” cover is the theme song. Lucrezia shows up to a big party after Alfonso’s death wearing glam Alexander McQueen widow’s wear and Cesare fucks her on the papal throne, idk. GO. WITH. IT.

So yeah, my two ideals would have been either a genuine prestige show that went more with dark realism (maybe with a touch more incest than what happened in reality bc the Borgias are more fun for audiences when they’re incestuous) or a full on “the family sits down to a poisonous dinner with ‘national anthem’ playing in the background” type show.

[mangohealth]

Recovering My Memory

Imagine losing all of your memories and having to relearn how to walk. Imagine being unable to recognize even your closest family members. It’s scary to imagine, but if you’re a true survivor, it’s possible to bounce back, with a lot of hard work and dedication. Meet Kathleen, who had an aneurysm and lived to tell the tale.

I had to remap my brain, meaning I had to learn how to walk and write and drive a car again. It took quite a few years to get back to normal.

Can you tell us about your day-to-day life? I’m a very busy person! I'm going to be 59 in July. I walk four miles a day, I’m a realtor, I cook, I make rosaries that I give away to nuns, and I’m always doing volunteer work at the Roman Catholic Dominican farm. I also love to read. Right now I'm interested in Ayurvedic holistic medicine.

 How do you use Mango? I use the reminders to manage my type 2 diabetes. I also I survived a brain aneurysm 15 years ago. I had to remap my brain, meaning I had to learn how to walk and write and drive a car again. It took quite a few years to get back to normal. I still have little memory lapses; I will forget to take my medicine if my phone doesn't go dinga-linga-ling. So Mango helps me out tremendously.

 Wow, an aneurysm. What led up to that? I was 40, and I would jog every morning for seven miles. I had suffered with migraine headaches all my life, since I was four. Eventually I got a neurologist and found out that not everyone gets them. I started taking medicine.

She came over to the bed, and she started hugging me. "Mom it's me,” she said. “Your only child, Chrissie."

One Saturday I came back from my run, and suddenly my head started pounding. My husband, who’s a pharmacist, looked at me and asked, "Are you okay?" I said, "No, I'm not. I would rather die than have another migraine." And he said, "Get in the car." He knew I didn’t want to go to the hospital, but that's exactly where he took me.

I had an angiogram and an MRI done. They called us with the results right after we got home from the hospital. The doctor said, "Kathleen, I want you to sit down." He told me there was a loop in the left side of my temporal middle artery. He said, "We've made an appointment for you and your husband to see one of the best neurosurgeons in the country on Monday morning."

So I thought, Okay, this is serious. Then he asked, "Have you had any of your migraine medicine today?" I said, "Yes, I just took one." He said, "Well can you bring it back up?" He didn’t want that in my system because it constricts all the blood vessels. It could cause the aneurysm to blow, and if that happened, I wouldn't survive. It turns out this was a congenital defect I’d had all my life.

In the end, they took out a piece of my skull behind my left eyeball, to fix the aneurysm. They put around 70 staples in my skull. I stayed at the hospital for about 10 days, with my head wrapped all up. I lost my vocabulary and my memory. I would ask 50 times a day, "I'm sorry, can you tell me what day it is again? I forgot."

Be thankful for your life. I know that most people don't survive a brain aneurysm, but I just feel so fortunate. Now I see every day as a blessing.

One day this other nurse came in to give me my breakfast and medicine. There was a little flower in a vase on my tray. I asked her, "I'm so sorry, can you tell me your name again?" She broke down in tears. She came over to the bed, and she started hugging me. "Mom it's me,” she said. “Your only child, Chrissie."

 You’ve been through a lot. How do you feel now? Do you have any advice you’d like to pass on to other people going through health issues? It's been 15 years now and I'm doing well, but I still forget things now and then. I would never have survived any of this without my husband. He saved my life by taking me to the hospital that day.

I think everyone should be proactive in taking care of their health: your daily diet, caloric intake, and output of caloric energy -- whether it's through jogging or swimming or weight-lifting. Whatever you choose. It’s important to eat healthy and get back to that fresh, crisp wholeness of whole foods. I do believe that food is medicine.

And, of course, be thankful for your life. I know that most people don't survive a brain aneurysm, but I just feel so fortunate. Now I see every day as a blessing.

 Do you have a story you’d like to share with us? We’d love to hear from you. Send us a note at community@mangohealth.com.

 If you liked this post, you may also like: - Simple Ways To Boost Your Memory - Finding Hope in a Life of Chronic Illness - Living Longer: To 100 and Beyond

 The posts on this blog are for information only. They are neither intended to substitute for a relationship with your doctor or other healthcare provider, nor do they constitute medical or healthcare advice of any kind. Any information in these posts should not be acted upon without consideration of primary source material and professional input from one’s own healthcare providers.