#this is probably Chapter 50 in a fic that doesn't have a chapter 1 yet

[niveussol]

Chapter like, 50 in a Persona 5 fanfic that doesn't exist yet (but it's a scene I really liked, so I yearned to Post It)

A Past Forgotten; Fates Ungotten

Chapter (Like) 50:

Airi gathers the Phantom Thieves and tells them everything-- and brings Akechi down to see the rest of the team. Makoto is immediately suspicious, as is Joker, Ryuji, and Morgana. Airi bows deeply in front of the group, and asks them: “I know what I did wasn’t right. We never intended to damage him, or change his heart, or any of it-- but we learned too much, and now he’s going to do something terrible sooner than we can act--- unless we act now.” Futaba is the first, surprisingly, to agree. She says that “we can’t wait for some guy to learn nuclear launch codes and deploy them before we do anything. Or.. something.” Yusuke takes her side right away, saying, “it is better to act with Surety and good intent, than to falter and allow injustice and devastation to occur. Furthermore, I trust Airi with my life. She’s already saved it.”

Airi becomes emotional-- hearing it means a lot to her-- but she hides it. Instead, she asks to speak with Akira-- alone. They go upstairs. She makes sure to whisper so any potential ‘Futaba bugs’ don’t overhear. Morgana sneaks up and listens at the threshold, out of sight, of course, so he hears the full conversation go as follows:

“I’m going to attempt to change his heart, no matter what. I know the Phantom Thieves have to agree on their target. I understand that will make me an enemy of the Phantom Thieves. I know it’s wrong of me to decide that my path is right, and follow my ideals blindly, even if the team decides against my judgment-- but i cannot look away from what this man is capable of. He could end the world. I think he might. I won’t run from him. And… I know that it will be hard defeating him on my own. Akechi is powerful, but he’s still recovering from his time comatose, even today. He’s still relearning his strength. He may never be as strong, again. He’s a different man now. The two of us will probably fail, on our own.”

“However….. I cannot tell the rest of the team my plans. I don’t want them to feel pressured to enter the metaverse blindly just to keep me alive, to keep me safe. It would not be right of me to hold my life over their heads. And I’m not holding my life over your head either. It’s not your job to convince your team what’s right-- they already know. But you have a right to know what I’m planning. You’ve kept me alive, and safe, thus far. I owe you… I owe you so much. You, at least, deserve to know the truth.”

Akira doesn’t say much back-- he never really does. But he does say: “So… this is the path you’re choosing?”

Airi just nods and says… “yeah. This is my purpose. I’m the only one that can do what I do. I have to do this, even if it spells my end. Even if I’m. Even if I’m…. scared. Of dying in vain, and failing. I’ll still do it.”

“Well.” he says. “Looks like I know my path, too.”

One by one, the phantom thieves come to agree, all except for Makoto. “What if this is a trap, and we never knew Airi, really? What if her plan was this all along, to bait us into doing exactly the wrong thing?”

Akechi speaks up after that. “You’ve spent all this time with her, and yet you still don’t know her? I don’t know if you know who I am, but I am a murderer, a criminal, a liar, a traitor, even. I’m supposed to be a cold, heartless killer, according to this world. I thought I was. Despite everything though, I was shown that even a monster like me has a heart-- and she’s the one who made me see it.” he says it, and Airi can’t see him through her closed-tight eyes, but she knows he’s pointing to her. “SHE made me realize that I’m capable of doing good, by my own merit-- that I don’t have to have a reason. That I will never make up for my sins, but that I can still atone and right some wrongs in this world. She’s good as good gets-- Don’t distrust her because I made her swear to keep my operations a secret.”

“You can say whatever you want,” Makoto says. “But the truth is, none of us know who Airi truly is. And she has no problem doing things behind our backs-- like she did with pulling Akane into the metaverse. Like she did with her foray into Officer Mashime’s Hallowed Grounds-- like she did, every time she consorted with the wanted criminal known as Goro Akechi.”

“Makoto-- p-please… it’s okay,” Airi says, nearly squeaking the words out. “I understand. You’re right. I’ve done little to justify the trust I’ve gotten from the Phantom Thieves. I’ve kept secrets, even since our first meeting, where I pretended not to understand Morgana. You’re probably right to distrust me. If I were you, I don’t know if I could trust me, either. So… just. Say what must be said.”

Makoto takes a breath. “I reject the notion that we should change Aoi Konuta’s heart.”

“But, Mako-chan…” Haru states. “W-we have to be unanimous… if you don’t agree, then… we’ll lose our opportunity. We might allow something horrible to happen.”

“We’ve saved the world from gods three times,” Makoto states. “If something happens, we can fix it, like we always have. But I’m not walking into a trap with my friends without knowing half of what we can expect. I’m not going to let my friends get killed in a vague attempt to do ‘what’s right’. There’s a reason we have a code-- and it’s to keep us from faltering, from making a big mistake. We follow it, lest we lose our way. And I’m not losing my way or my friends, because I trusted someone that I should not have.”

Airi feels her heart nearly stop-- she realizes that she’s about to Waver, and stops it-- it’s painful to reverse that process, she finds. But, through her heart pain, through the pain of being spoken to like… like a villain. Airi just bows and says: “Thank you for being the voice of reason, Makoto. The Phantom Thieves are lucky to have you-- and, that’s not. That’s not sarcastic. I mean it from the bottom of my heart.”

And, just like that, she takes off her apron, and walks to the door. She thinks there’s not much she can say, but figured it’d be rude to just leave without saying: “I’ll catch you guys later.”

She knows she can’t just enter the Hallowed Grounds today-- she still has to construct a calling card. She has to find a way to get it to him. She’ll figure it out. As long as it keeps her from thinking too much about the inevitability of her fate: she’ll do it.

She sidles out the door quickly.

Akira speaks up-- it’s not something he does often, but he does it: “Akechi. I’ve never heard you say something so sincere before. About anyone. You respect her more than anything, don’t you?”

Akechi scoffs. “She’s the strongest Phantom Thief of all of you. I’ve seen you all win every battle, despite less-than-stellar odds-- I’ve even seen you--” he points at Akira “--reign victorious, all on your own-- you all don’t lose.

“But the moment that she awakened for the first time, she was already dying. She’d been stabbed through the heart. She was alone. Anyone, ANYONE else would have died. But her? She was furious at the world. I saw a fury that could rend the world in two, if she saw fit-- she’d been betrayed by the forces that be-- she’d nearly been killed, killed by a demon. She could have awakened, killed him, and continued down a bitter path, filled with anger and strife-- she should have.

“But she didn’t. She didn’t because she was strong enough to fight for JUSTICE. TRUE JUSTICE. She was strong enough to be kind, even after suffering like she did. She was strong enough to win on her own. Alone. Without help, or aid. I could have helped her. I could have saved her before she was stabbed, had I bothered to-- but I didn’t, and she never held it against me, even though she should have. She’s strong enough to see reason, even when she’s hurting, even when her allies-- her friends--” he spits the word with venom, clearly pointing it to Makoto-- “are hurting, or even outright don’t believe in her. When her friends betray her unbreaking trust in them.

“She’s strong enough to face Konuta alone and kill him-- but she won’t take the easy way. She believes in living for what’s right more than she believes in her right to live. She’s better than all of you. Of course I respect her.”

The room is a little quiet-- Makoto’s face goes red, clearly emotional, conflicted, but trying to hold her ground.

Yusuke stands up.

“She had ample opportunity to sit down and live a quiet life in peace. She could have done it all this time-- but she sees the beauty in the world-- she knows she must preserve it at any cost.

“For some time, I had forgotten how it felt to defend the precious and delicate harmony of this world. I’d forgotten how to hold a brush-- what making a decision felt like. I grew cold. She assured me that I’d known all along-- that I could find that power again, even when my inaction had caused her to come to harm. I couldn’t see it, until I was confronted with two worlds: a world where I did not act, and lost everything; or a world in which I risked it all to stand for that which I believe in. To protect that which was most dear to me. I succeeded, and it’s only because she believed that I could. I came away with a perspective I never understood before-- and I will never forget it again.

“I must, therefore, ask that you reconsider your stance, Makoto. Reconsider throwing aside your inhibitions, and seek to protect that which is dear to you.”

Makoto avoids his powerful gaze.

Futaba speaks up.

“Airi… when Inari got really, really hurt in the Hallowed Grounds in Sapporo, I thought my heart was going to break in half. Inari threw himself in harm’s way, just so that I could be safe-- and then Airi stood between him and that mob boss, barely hanging on. She gave me the opportunity to pull him out of danger.

“When we got out of there, I felt all twisted up inside-- I felt so guilty that I’d allowed my.. my best friend to get hurt like that-- and still, she pulled me aside. And you know what she did? SHE apologized. SHE, the woman who had just saved us said sorry-- that if she had been stronger on the beach, had stood up to that creep, Inari would not have been confronted with such strong feelings of doubt.

“I cried that night-- I cried for hours and hours, I couldn’t stop crying. She held me and told me that everything would be okay-- that he would be awake, bright and early the next day. And she was right. He was awake before the sun came up, back to his old self again-- I wanted to cry again, but all I could do was smile. She helped me g-get rid of all my tears, so that I could show him, show everyone a brave smile. I trust her with everything I have in me.”

Makoto shuts her eyes-- she can’t take that gaze.

Surprising everyone, Shiho chimes in.

“When I met her, I was surprised she’d… she’d been assaulted by a man. Her demeanor was demure, and kind, and she didn’t look at men with fear. After what I went through at Shujin, it shocked me-- she took her pain in stride, everyday. It’s been years, and I still hurt. It’s hard to be brave in the face of that pain-- but seeing her thrive was inspiring to me. She reminded me of Ann. Her heart is strong.”

“Shiho…” Ann says.

“When the shooting happened in Sapporo, and we were caught in the middle of it, I saw her face-- I saw fear-- no, terror. But I saw it-- I saw her expression change. She buried that fear in calculations, looking at all of us. She calmed herself and told us to get under the table. Her hands were over her heart-- I almost thought she was having a heart attack, she looked so in pain. And then… time slowed down. We heard Morgana’s voice for the first time, as he leapt in to stop a cognition from attacking us. She’d saved us.

“If she hadn’t considered us, she could have slipped into the Hallowed Grounds by herself. She could have left us to die-- but she didn’t. And when she and Morgana were beaten by shadows, she told us to run. She was afraid. But she clearly cared about our safety and our lives above her own.

“Makoto-chan… I know we don’t know each other very well. And maybe we don’t know her very well, either. But, even with everything we don’t know about her, I do know this: She saved my life; Hifumi-chan’s life, and Akane-chan’s life that day. I know that I’m not obligated to trust her-- but I want to trust the woman who sacrificed her safety-- her life so that we might live.”

Akane speaks next. “Makoto… I don’t understand why you can’t trust her on this. You all hid Phantom Thief activity from the world-- my own dad hid it from me! My… big sisters kept the truth from me. To me, you were all doing things behind my back, but I didn’t mind it-- I know you all had good reasons for doing what you did. She’s a Phantom Thief-- she’s done so much good with you. So why… why can’t you trust her?”

“Akane-chan…” Makoto says. She opens her eyes, unfallen tears obscuring her view of everyone. “I didn’t want to tell everyone this, since these cases were unconfirmed.” She takes a deep breath, and exhales. “Sae’s been working on an investigation-- in fact, the catalyst for it was Airi, herself. Sae probably wanted to learn more about Airi’s interaction with Akechi, rather than anything else. She didn’t find many answers at first. But… a week later, another patient wound up at the same hospital Airi went to-- his skin, hair, and eyes had turned stark-white.”

Everybody looks surprised, and even Akechi’s dour look softens.

“He was comatose,” she continued. “But, Sae was able to speak with the patient’s wife. The wife couldn’t explain what had happened, just that, one morning, she woke up to find her husband had lost all his color, and couldn’t wake up.” Makoto pauses, trying to calm her heart. Speak a little slower. Take your time, she tells herself.

“Two months later, another man-- and a wealthy one, at that-- was sent to a hospital in Kabukicho with the same symptoms.”

“Where we changed the Hacker’s heart?!” Ryuji asks.

“Yes,” Makoto says. “Right after we changed his heart, in fact. His sister explained to Sae a story much like the first patient’s wife. But it doesn’t stop there-- two months after that, a man fell into the same pallor in Sumida-- the police officer who murdered Chiaki’s parents. Right after he’d been arrested.”

“M-Mako-chan…” Haru muttered. “You’re not suggesting that you think Airi-chan is responsible, are you?”

Futaba butts in, stammering, “Y-yeah, there’s no way that Airi did anything to those guys-- if anything, they’re just afflicted with the same thing!”

“But it’s strange how the events seemed to follow the changes of heart she took part in,” Akechi posited. “First in February, then April and June. Even so, it would be completely out of character for her to ruin anyone’s lives.”

“That’s how I saw it, too--” Makoto continued. “--when Sae explained all this to me. I thought to myself, ‘there’s no way that Airi was capable of doing this to people.’ But… in late-August, another person went pallid. In Sapporo. A previous mayor lost consciousness and fell into the same sort of coma the other patients experienced.”

Haru’s eyes go wide. “Y-you don’t mean--!”

“I do mean,” Makoto replied. “Headlines read, ‘Disgraced Ex-Mayor Mariko Hyodo Falls Into Mysterious Coma.’”

Haru’s eyes gloss over, and she looks at her phone, tapping away here and there on it. “No… no wonder Mari-san never answered my calls or texts after our vacation. She… she’s…”

Makoto places her hand on Haru’s shoulder, crouching down to hug her from the side. She knows how much Mariko Hyodo meant to Haru.

“I’m sorry Haru. I promise, if it turns out these events are connected to the metaverse-- like I think they are-- then we’ll figure out a way to restore them to their previous selves.”

“I’m sorry to cut in,” Yusuke cuts-in. “But is that all? Or is there something more to these cases you haven’t yet shared with us? So far, I remain unconvinced of Airi’s involvement.”

Makoto sighs, and releases her hold on Haru. “Two more patients cropped up. One in October, at Shujin Academy-- a student, in fact.” Everyone gasps, and Akane nearly shrieks. “And the most recent one was three days ago.”

“But, wait,” Ryuji says. “We haven’t changed any hearts this month.”

“Which begs the question-- who did?” Makoto asks, pointedly. Her gaze lands on Akechi, distrust mounting as her heart begins to beat faster. “Airi has been especially busy this month-- I hear she’s missed a lot of work, as well.”

Akechi doesn’t even blink at the attack-- he sighs, resisting the urge to ‘tut tut tut’ her logic, but settles on: “Correlation isn’t causation, Niijima-san. Simply because a Change of Heart preceded the other comatose incidents doesn’t mean they’re caused by them.”

Makoto decides she really, really does hate this man. “I know that. But it would be foolish to ignore the quantity of coincidences in all these cases. Furthermore, I know that you and Airi have been keeping in touch-- using pagers-- since at least August. Probably before that, too. If the two of you have kept in contact this long, then it’s highly possible you arranged times to carry out these plans.”

“And to what end?” Akechi asks. “What would Airi-san or I have against a husband, a brother, a child, and a disgraced mayor?” Haru trembles and chokes a sob at the insult. “The cop, I understand your suspicion, at least. He was a terrible person. And.. ah, my apologies. Who was the last comatose patient? You neglected to tell us, Niijima-san,” Akechi says, using his sickly-innocent detective prince demeanor.

She doesn’t answer right away.

In fact, tens of seconds go by, with all eyes on her.

Then, she realizes she can’t contain the emotions no matter what techniques she tries.

“It’s Sae. She’s turned bone-white and hasn’t woken up,” Makoto rasps.

Haru lets out another sob, then covers her face with a tissue, weeping softly into it. Futaba’s and Yusuke’s eyes go wide and they become extremely still. Akira looks at everyone else-- Ann, Shiho, Sophia, and Hifumi, looking at each other; Ryuji, Shinya, Atsuki and Zenkichi sit with their mouths agape, stares unwavering from Makoto. He notices the shock in Akechi’s face-- completely stunned silence.

It’s Akane that breaks it.

“WHY didn’t you tell me that Sae was in the hospital?!” Akane shouts. “My oldest sister was targeted and you didn’t bother to tell me that THAT is why she wasn’t home during Christmas?! NOW who’s keeping secrets from who?!”

“I wanted to tell you-- I wanted to tell you all. But Sae made me swear all of this information to secrecy while she was awake. I wanted to pick up the case where she left off. I wanted to have faith in Airi, believe that she would never do something like this to anyone-- but Sae shared all of this with me two months ago, when the Shujin student went comatose. She said, ‘If even one more person falls into a coma, I’m going to confront Airi about what she knows.’” Makoto huffs, trying to dispel the bitterness in her throat. “And then this happens.” Tears sneak past the corner of her eyes, and fall down her cheeks. She pulls Haru back into that side-hug embrace, trying to find any sort of comfort.

“Dude…” Ryuji says.

“Sae-san…” Akechi says. “Was she close to some sort of breakthrough, Niijima-san? Perhaps she made a powerful enemy.” Makoto opens her mouth to speak, but is cut off abruptly. “Someone besides Airi-san.”

“I… I don’t know,” Makoto rasps out. “The timing is alarming. It’s almost as if…”

“...as if it was planned,” Akira finishes. (as if it was a rush job/as if the culprit couldn’t wait for a better time)

Futaba shakes her head. “No, that can’t be right… no, no it’s not right at all!” she says. “The timing would be perfect, had we changed a heart already this month-- It’s December 27th. This is later than any change of heart we’ve done in a month.. this year, anyway. There could be multiple reasons why this time is different, but a definite possibility is that the culprit expected us to follow our pattern of changing hearts-- one change every two months, somewhere in the middle-- in fact, besides the target Airi told us about today, we haven’t planned any changes of hearts! A potential culprit would have had to choose someone without being able to find a perfect candidate in a perfect place to… albinize! Comatize? Comatize!”

“You’re right, Sakura-san,” Akechi says, a little surprised at her sound logic. “Whoever is responsible for these victims’ conditions-- if a person is indeed responsible-- chose the one person who cared about this case. There was no viable target. They chose a target of convenience, in lieu of a target that correlates with the others. It seems as though someone is rather intent on framing the Phantom Thieves, or at least Airi-san, in these attacks. Perhaps they wanted to sow distrust between her, and the other Phantom Thieves… but anyone doing something like that would have to know who the players are…”

Everyone looks at Akechi. “I appreciate the suspicion, but I meant it when I said I respect Airi more than anyone else in this shit reality. But… regardless, I actually have a suspect in mind. Or, at least, a connecting thread to all of this. But you’re not going to like it, Niijima-san.”

Makoto leers at Akechi through tear-swollen eyes. “You had better not conveniently pin it on your current target--”

“Ugh. Obviously that’s what he’s going to say,” Ann interrupts.

“For certain,” Sophia agrees.

“100%,” Futaba adds.

“No more interjections?” Akechi spits.

“Rule of three’s--” Futaba clarifies. “I’d say you’re good to go, Detective.”

He takes a breath in, then out. “I will explain, but it might take some time. To start: yes, it is our target, Aoi Konuta. But there’s a reason he’s our target. I asked her to take me into his Hallowed Ground, because my investigation halted when I hit upon his connection to the case.”

“Question,” Futaba asks. “What exactly were you investigating? I was joking about the whole ‘detective’ thing.”

“My survival, to be frank with you. When we confronted Doctor Maruki, I had already believed myself to be dead-- Doctor Maruki had even all-but-confirmed it. I’ve been searching for answers since I woke up-- and thanks to Airi-san, I finally found them. Most of the mystery has been cleared up for me.”

“So what happened, then? How did you survive our encounter in Shido’s Palace?” Akira asks softly.

Akechi turns so he can see Akira more directly. “In Konuta’s Hallowed Grounds, we stumbled across a memory of his. On the day that I should have died, Konuta heard a scream come from the Diet building’s boiler room.” He paused, unsure if the Phantom Thieves deserved to know-- but seeing Akira’s soft expression, all doubt melted away. “He opened the door to find me, bleeding profusely on the floor-- and beside me, a young woman clutching her heart. It appeared to be a heart attack. He arranged for us to be carried off, and taken somewhere he knew we would be off the grid. He told his secretary in that moment, that ‘he could learn everything he could about us, medically-- and perhaps he’d be able to mimic the power of metaverse traversal.’ He was in-the-know, after all,” Akechi clarified. “He was a strong supporter and ally to Shido, so he knew about me, specifically. But it was odd he mentioned the woman could travel between, as well.”

Akira’s eyes go wide, a reaction normally out-of-character for him. “You’re saying the woman in the memory was Airi,” he blurted. “He sent you two to that shady hospital. She was studied. The doctor learned something and forwarded that information to Konuta. And now Konuta’s abusing that power to frame her, now that she’s loose-- and Sae got too close to learning the truth of it all, so he had her eliminated from the game.”

Akechi smiles. “Finally, someone with common sense. That’s exactly what I’m saying.”

“Hold on,” Makoto says. It’s not a request. Everyone turns and listens. “There’s one more piece of information I have for you, regarding the comatose patients. The final nail in the coffin. It’s what made me consider her to be… using us. Lying to us.

“...The first patient woke up four days ago,” she said. “Sis-- Sae-- was still awake. She questioned him right away, but the patient had no memory to speak of. The ONLY thing he could tell Sae was that the very last thing he remembered was seeing a woman dressed in white, with white hair and pale white skin. He told Sae that the woman pulled his heart out of his chest.”

“He remembers a woman pulling his heart out of his chest?” Zenkichi asks. “You kids don’t think that sounds awfully Jail-like-- like how Desires were taken-- do you?”

“It certainly sounds dire,” Yusuke replies.

“A woman who is entirely white? It does match her description.” Hifumi adds.

“--but I don’t think that means it’s her,” Futaba continues.

“Because this guy’s just setting her up…” Ryuji added. “...right?”

“I hope you mean Konuta and not the patient who just woke up from a nine-month coma,” Makoto warned.

Ryuji sputtered. “Bwuhh-- of COURSE I meant Konuta! He saw what Airi looked like in that boiler room several years ago, so he knows just how to fake her appearance and confuse the victims!” he says, proudly.

“Unfortunately, when Konuta saw Airi-san in the boiler room, she wasn’t painted white-- her skin took on a somewhat healthier, tanner-hue; her eyes were dark; and her hair was black as night. The only consistency in her appearance from then and now lies in her facial structure, her shape, and her ridiculously-long hair. I hate to say it, but he might have no idea what she looks like, today. The witness protection seems to have done her some good-- we didn’t find any sign he’d detected her current existence, while we were at his Hallowed Grounds.”

“He doesn’t know about her?” Ann asked. “But… if he knows about the metaverse, then he’s totally been keeping tabs on the changes of heart.. right? So how can he not suspect she’s a part of this?”

Akechi responds, “If I were to guess, it’s because he had never been made aware of the meta-nav. Without knowing about it, he’d have to assume the entry to the metaverse required a different sort of method. Perhaps he believed the Phantom Thieves were operating under their previous capabilities all this time. Maybe he wrote off the existence of the comatose girl once she was no-longer of any use to him. It’d make sense, considering he cut off Doctor Hashiba’s funding entirely right before he snapped.”

“Wait, I just realized something,” Sumire suddenly muttered. “We’re disproving the existence of a ‘culprit’ besides Airi-chan. That simply won’t do,” she finishes, plopping her cheek onto her fist, letting it support her head.

Akechi places his elbows on the table and props his chin on his hands. He expounds, “Konuta may or may not know about Airi, but that memory we saw of someone receiving heart surgery might suggest that he has someone working in the metaverse, now. That procedure to augment a heart with the power to Waver between was finalized by an associate of Konuta’s. It’s likely that he has at least one agent doing sinister work in the metaverse.”

“That’s a convenient fact Akechi, but I’d say the specificity of the recently-recovered coma patient is much better proof than your correlation,” says Makoto.

“Really?” Akechi asked. “A man with no other memory than the one that conveniently points the finger at Airi-san is hardly proof-- it’s unsubstantiated hearsay, and little else. The description is hardly specific, I’ll add-- it mentions white hair, clothes, and skin-- but if he’s talking about our Dove, he missed the most prominent detail.”

Makoto’s eyebrows shoot up. She responds: “Her mask.”

“Furthermore,” Akechi continues, smiling now, “there’s now an array of people turning pallid-- apparently, they’re waking up, as well. Who’s to say a previous patient isn’t infecting healthy people for their own benefit? Since we’re accusing Airi-san, anyway.”

Makoto closes her fists-- she doesn’t know if Airi can be trusted, but now there’s a reason for the Phantom Thieves to enter this politician’s Hallowed Grounds. Makoto breathes in and out. She speaks: “...You’re right. Sae would never have accepted such weak proof. She might have gone along with his story to learn more, but she doesn’t accept a statement as truth just because it fits the facts as she knows them-- she scrutinizes every detail. It appears the only way I’m going to learn more about this, and continue Sae’s investigation, is by gleaning whatever info we can from Konuta.”

Haru gasps, as does Futaba, Yusuke, Shiho, and Akane.

“Does this mean…?” Haru asks.

“Yes,” Makoto replies. “If everyone else is in: then I’m in, too.”

[whorejolras]

as promised: jess' les amis fanfic rec list ✨

this is mainly e/r, a little bit of e/r/c and a few courferre

This is just the stuff that was in my bookmarks on ao3 when I started writing this post (months ago lol sorry it took so long). Going through I was shocked to see so many of my faves weren't actually bookmarked so I will for sure do a part two when I find them again, and have also added heaps of new fics to my bookmarks since then, but for now 25 fics is enough 😂

many of these will be rated E and will have sexual content, some are straight up pwp ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

ok first is my ultimate fave that isn't even on ao3 anymore, but thankfully is on the authors tumblr, and that's:

Gnomon by luchia

50-80k words (?) (bc it's not on ao3 i'm estimating)

rating: E

Enjolras/Grantaire

terrorist/assassin Enjolras my beloved ever. My fave are the "charming young man capable of being terrible" fics obviously. This one is my #1 e/r like in my head this is it's own canon. & this series has my fave e/r smut scenes ever. I still daydream about a Gnomon tv show...

- trigger warnings bc it's not on ao3 so doesn't have tags: murder, gun and knife violence, bombs, conversations about the deaths of children. this is not healthy relationship fluff but it makes for a 🥵 dynamic that's for damn sure.

also linking the rest of the series which is up on ao3 still, even though it is officially abandoned and unfinished - i am going to break my ultimate rule right off the bat and link an unfinished series bc I like it so much.

stupid terrorist boys by luchia

series, 5 works

200k words

rating: M and E

here we have gnomon's prequels, two sequels, and some one shots in between 🫶🏻

if you're here for kinky pwp Senselessly Happy and Unsuspecting could be good stand-alone (but it's better when reading in order). I would say read Gnomon first on tumblr then read the rest in order on ao3.

Silence Is the Speech of Love by lady_ragnell

50k words

rating: E

Enjolras/Grantaire, background Courfeyrac/Marius/Cosette

Enjolras is cursed for speaking out against the gods, Grantaire is there for him.

will I ever shut up about this fic? Never. fave fave fave. the world building, the mythological/religious system, the writing, the "I love you" "I don't think you do, actually" scene URGH!!!! I think of this fic every time i hear chopsticks. Everything happening with courf/marius/cosette, and the genius inclusion of social worker Fantine my beloved. This is one of those "could be it's own novel" fics.

and the sequel from Enjolras' pov 😭 - Left Unsaid

World Ain't Ready by idiopathicsmile

185k words

rating: T

Enjolras/Grantaire

yes it's the top fic yes everyone probably knows it but it's good for a reason. THE fake dating high school au fic that I broke all my rules for back in 2015. I refused to read unfinished fics, let alone T rated high school fics, yet I remember waiting for the updates for this one as it came out, messaging mutuals on the day the last chapter was released. and every time I reread I remember why. Brilliantly written, the pining, the angst, the miscommunications. All the Joly and Bossuet scenes.

honourable mention to the scene where Joly is so excited for the battle of the bands, then next scene starts with "I think it's more of a sitting night today" the realest simple yet most gut punching illustration of chronic pain that gets my ass every time.

Lovesickness by idiopathicsmile

11k words

rating: T

Enjolras/Grantaire, Joly/Bossuet/Musichetta

(we're gonna see a fair bit of idiopathicsmile on here)

this is one of my absolute favourites. not only bc I quote "hit by a truck full of shirts" all the time. a Joly pov fic!!!!!! my beloved!!!!! I'm a BIG JBM fan (they are essential to me when I'm writing grantaire) and love fics that stay true to his friendship with Joly and Bossuet. also I love when Enjolras is a giant dumbass who thinks his feelings for Grantaire is a mystery illness 😂

Still the Same by The Librarina (tears_of_nienna)

74k words

rating: E

Enjolras/Grantaire/Combeferre

ok ok ok. listen. Yes. in this fic, Enjolras IS an fbi agent... and u know i'm the first and last to scream acab always...

that being said this is fully still one of my fave e/r/c fics. Enjolras and Combeferre are married & Enjolras needs to work with art thief Grantaire (fave) on a case. also that one bit at the end when Grantaire *redacted* 👀🫣

cupbearer by illuminate*

*this one is locked, you need an account to view

series, 4 works

124k words total

ratings: T, M & E

Enjolras/Grantaire

this series!!!!!! VAMPIRE ENJOLRAS!!!! thrall Grantaire!!!! canon era AND modern au! REINCARNATION!!!! i'm eeeeaaaaattiiiing 🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻

More Than Just a Game by ecaitlin

36k words

rating: E

Courfeyrac/Combeferre

Fake dating courferre 😭 this one is so good for the desert scene alone 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻 one of my fave courferre fics

Good Intentions by ecaitlin

95k words

rating: E

Courfeyrac/Combeferre, background Marius/Cosette, Joly/Bossuet, Bahorel/Feuilly, and Enjolras/Grantaire ofc

THE les amis hogwarts au. 95k of Courfeyrac pov is always a treat for the system. in their last year at hogwarts, Courfeyrac decides to play matchmaker for all his friends. shenanigans!!!! fuck jkr, but whenever I wanna reread harry potter again I read this fic 🫶🏻 fave courferre ever, and also fave background e/r

if you remembered me by nightswatch*

*this one is locked, you need an account to view

40k words

rating: M

Enjolras/Grantaire

one thing about me is I love an amnesia fic! Enjolras loses his memory and Grantaire helps him recover 👀 this one's for the hurt/comfort and miscommunication/not being upfront about shit fans. also there's some past Grantaire/Combeferre and i'm always a fan

Beautiful Music Together by lady_ragnell

31k words

rating: E

Courfeyrac/Marius/Cosette

a rare Courf/Marius/Cosette fic for your palette. established Marius/Cosette need a little help from their good friend Courf with their sex life 👀 while the three of them also work on a musical assignment together 😭 prequel to You Dance Dreams kinda 👀

You Dance Dreams by lady_ragnell

61k words

rating: E

Enjolras/Grantaire

(you can tell when i've found a writer who has a fair few fics and just gone nuts lol, lots of lady_ragnell too)

BALLET AU I LOVE YOU!!!!!! so set in the same universe as Beautiful Music Together, Combeferre ropes everyone into working on his opera, a Midsummer Night's Dream sequel. Grantaire dances as Puck alongside Enjolras singing as Oberon 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻

In Defiance of all Geometry by idopathicsmile

51k words

rating: T

Enjolras/Grantaire/Combeferre

this is a top fave E/R/C fic and a top fave les amis fic of all time! Them living in a co-op and all the little details of how they make it work is sooooo real and anyone who wants to see accurately written community organising in les amis fic it's here! now for the ✨romance✨ - Grantaire moves in to the amis co-op and starts crushing on both Enjolras and Combeferre, who have both been pining for each other for years.

Years Since It's Been Clear by lady_ragnell

10k words

rating: E

Enjolras/Grantaire

Enjolras offers his spare room to grantaire - or the one where enjolras chases the sun across the living room floor like a cat. That image has lived rent free in my head for and I am not exaggerating here, 10 years.

Gonna need (a spark to ignite) by FinditAgain*

*this one is locked, you need an account to view

47k words

rating: M

Enjolras/Grantaire/Combeferre

soulmate au! soulmate au with E/R/C!!!!!!! enjolras and combeferre are soulmates who lost their bond as children. when combeferre and enjolras find each other as adults, enjolras is already in an established relationship with grantaire 👀👀👀

secret agent man by goshemily

30k words

rating: E

Enjolras/Grantaire

yes another cop one haha 😭 bc if ur not able to contradict urself with the media u like are u even a person? but also I wouldn't recommend if it wasn't a good read for the stairs scene alone 😅 Enjolras and Grantaire need to go undercover as a married couple in a small town.

Leaves in the Void by myrmidryad

16k words

rating: M

Enjolras/Grantaire

this is one i've found since rejoining tumblr late last year that 😭 fully broke my heart bro 😭 space au, enjolras writes letters to everyone when he's accidentally isolated on a ship for what to him was eight and half months but was two hours for everyone else.

Blame Delicate Artemis by hyenateeth

22k words

rating: E

femslash Enjolras/Grantaire

posting omegaverse on main? more likely than you think!

this is porn with a tiny bit of plot, but also one of my fave for femslash e/r and also..... girl dick. that's all.

omega enjolras alpha grantaire canon era lesbians.

that's enough description to find its right audience I feel

Eyes to Serve, Hands to Learn by myrmidryad

94k words

rating: E

Enjolras/Grantaire

Grantaire runs into Enjolras at a kink club. enter 94,000 words of bdsm porn and pining. mostly dom Enjolras and submissive Grantaire, mostly.

Never Be Satisfied by torakowalski

15k words

rating: E

femslash Enjolras/Grantaire

dental dam mention! win!

Grantaire gives Enjolras some advice, lends some toys, and then offers some hands on help when she learns Enjolras has never come before 😏

potentially lovely, perpetually human by myrmidryad

20k words

not rated, does contain smut

Enjolras/Grantaire

lots of myrmidryad here too lol

two of my favourite tropes here. 1: supernatural Enjolras who's in control of his abilities except when it comes to Grantaire (see cupbearer series) and 2: nonbinary Grantaire my beloved!!! Enjolras has psychic empathy triggered by physical touch, so he refuses to touch anyone: until his touch starved ass accidentally touches Grantaire and feels what they're feeling 🥹

Witchboy by tothewillofthepeople

series, 8 works

84k words

rating: T, M

Enjolras/Grantaire

this one is a more recent recommendation that I loved, the world building and magic is so good, there's some great background eposette and patron minette which I'm always a fan of.

i'm not the moon (i'm not even a star) by serinesaccade

40k words

rating: M

Enjolras/Grantaire

amnesia fic and fake dating 👌🏻👌🏻👌🏻 this time we've got Grantaire losing his memories and waking up in a world where he has a really hot boyfriend, but apparently his 1.5 year relationship with Enjolras isn't what it seems 👀

and let's round this out with a classic

Thirty-Two Times by Ark

7k words

rating: E

Enjolras/Grantaire

the bottom R canon era bible 🙏🏻

i'm sorry i feel like my emoji use is very millennial. jsyk 👌🏻 is me clicking with my nails ok bye 😘

if you want more i'm whorejolras on ao3 go nuts 🙌🏻

[protect-daniel-james]

WIP asks: what is your oldest? What is the one you will probably never finish?

Omg, do unfinished chaptered fics count?

AO3 tells me the oldest non-finished chaptered fic is Silent Freeway, an Alex Turner/Miles Kane fic from ancient times. I am kinda ashamed of it now, because ultimately it was too much for me to write about - I chose the light topics of mental health and psychosis with my poor English skills, and obviously it was a pain in the ass to write in the end. I wasn't brave enough to go back and read it but I can imagine the shit I wrote back in 2016 in English. It was too much drama for the sake of drama, no characterisation, no reasonable behavior... I will definitely never finish that one. I'm not that much into Milex, and the whole story seems childish today.

Fun fact - it has over 11 000 words making up 11 chapters. Yes, 11 chapters. Which means about 1 000 words per chapter (I was so proud of it back then, lmao). Good old days. Nowaydays I write a 11 000 word fic about Inzaghi brothers fucking.

WIP which I might actually finish one day is definitely Let's fade together, let's fade forever. No football. Historical Figures RPF combining two of my favorite fruity couples from late 18th century, Alex Hamilton/John Laurens and Frederick II/Hans Hermann von Katte. As the tag says, I imagine Heaven as a waiting room. A waiting room where Laurens and von Katte meet and talk and wait for their loved ones. I think it was a nice lil' idea, a fic that became known as "sad gays in heaven". Yeah, it is still rather naive and silly looking back, but I am still quite proud of that one. It's literally missing one chapter.

My problem is I get too excited about a new thing, and I am able to produce quite quickly a new fic when I am excited. A planned out multichaptered fic even. But then, the excitement fades - either because I find a more interesting new thing, or because the response is non-existent, and I see that something I was excited about and cared about isn't really interesting "to the outside". Now don't get me wrong, I'm not one to count kudos and comments because I know that the ships and themes I write about are very niche (I am well aware that if I write a Pedri/Gavi fic, it would get to 200-300 kudos, if I write a Grizione fic, it would be around 50, but if I write about Unai Emery, there will be like 5) - but even with this awareness, if a fic I truly was excited about doesn't really get a response, I just don't feel motivated to prioritise it, work on the next chapter, or write something about the pairing again (unless it's Unai and Football, because those fics I take as a form of experience, exploration, and almost academic work so I don't care if y'all aren't reading those; they are for me to explore the unexplored. although it's nice when people read and comment on them, and want to discuss its topics, obviously).

When it comes to unpublished WIPs, I don't really have many of those because I tend to start my WIPs when excited and then I usually work quickly (unless it's literally a 10 000+ words fic like the yacht fic or like the Inzaghicest one might be). One that I promised to do was a Henderson/Stevie G in Saudi Arabia engaging in bad, sleazy, desperate sex because they have no clue what they are doing there, but I haven't really started to work on that.

I started working on a Mourinho/Abramovich fic (with a flavour of Abramovich/Sheva).

"Mr. Abramovich - " José made a significant pause, spread out his hands over the edge of the desk that separated him from the addressed man. "I know you like him. Is easy to see." For a moment not a single muscle in Abramovich's face moved. Then, his eyebrows rose up, and he tilted his head, smiling; not just smiling but amused at such a simple yet daring statement. "Is it?" he asked, although José wasn't completely sure about the wording. It might have been just a simple, bemused repetition of the word he himself used to describe his reading of the situation - easy.

I think it's now the oldest actual draft that I have, but it's only 2 months old lmao. As I said, I finish my fics pretty quickly (after all, I usually write directly in AO3 - believe me, I did regret it a few times), and the one month due date on drafts works miracles.

[cultofsappho]

9 favourite books

tysm for the tag @daisymae-12 !!!

about a year ago, I was unemployed for a while and binged like, 50 queer romance books back to back. most of these are from that little period of freedom haha

Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston - wow big shocker. the heavy rwrb blog puts it as her fav? we all gasped. No joke, this book inspires me so much, regularly. Its a comfort reread, a regular in my rotation of audiobook backround noise, and inspired several fics and counting.. #1 best boy right here

Six of Crows Duology by Leigh Bardugo - my #2 comfort rereads, I'm including Crooked Kingdom bc I ALWAYS pick up book #2 after finishing book #1. Wylan is my special boy and I need his POV chapters. (I also need more fic of him going fucking insane and becoming a tiny, richer, Kaz please and thank you)

Delilah Green Doesn't Care by Ashley Herring Blake - Look im a fantasy/magic/adventure girl, so this was very outside my norm when i bought it but i feel in LOVE. It's so mundane while also being very heartfelt and silly and fun. I absolutely loved it and plan to reread soon. plus........ sapphic sex scenes. what more do you want.

A Marvelous Light by Freya Marske - MAGIC. CURSES. SECRECT SOCIETY. LIBRARIES. PERIOD PEICE. (+magic sex???) SOLD. I need the next two books so bad but i'm broke rn. I will probably get #2 as an audio book from the library if I can soon!

Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas - not exaggerating, this book reminded my why I love reading. this is the book that kicked off my great reading binge of 2022. which is kinda weird bc I really don't like high school stories, i'm just too old now for them. BUT, magic. ghosts. queer. SOLD. Loved and reread many times and counting!

The Sunbearer Trials by Aiden Thomas - While we're on Aiden Thomas... I need Sunbearer Trials book 2 like, yesterday. I NEED IT AIDEN. Hunger Games meets Percy Jackson in the best possible combination that took my breath away. I flew (lol) through this book in one evening. (not recommended. savvor this shit. its excellent.)

The Charm Offensive by Alison Cochrun - the fact the author managed to make me enjoy the concept of a reality show is balls to the walls bananas. And the mental halth discussion in this stole the whole show.

Spell Bound by FT Lukens - It's really hard for me to pick between FT's books for a fav. I absolutely loved In Deeper Waters and So This Is Ever After, but Spell Bound hit me so hard. Of course, there's magic. (have you found my theme yet?) but specifically the discussion around lonliness, and Rook's relationship with "his adult" is so sweet and just really hit me somewhere soft.

One Last Stop by Casey McQuiston - I am seriously on the hunt for sapphic books that hit me the way some of the mlm books above have hit me and ols hits that nail on the head. This book made me realize I actually like time travel stories... if it's done in a very specific way haha. also... sapphic sex scenes. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME. I'M HERE FOR THE P-

ty for allowing me to indulge in my ramblings and love for these books <3 no pressure tags below the cut:

@14carrotghoul @myheartalivewrites @lazybug16 @penna-nomen @cosmicalart @sherryvalli @jesuisici33 @cha-melodius

[sluttyhenley]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by @starrybouquet (thank you!!)

1. how many works do you have on Ao3?

50 (actually 51 if you count the one that hasn't been revealed yet)

2. what's your total Ao3 word count?

269,637

3. what fandoms do you write for?

I have posted in 18 different fandoms on ao3 but most recently 911, Top Gun and The Old Guard

4. what are your top five fics by kudos?

my heart is working overtime (e, 911, buddie, 4k)

is forever enough (e, 911, buddie, 10,4k)

lover good be good to me (e, the old guard, joe x nicky, 20.4k)

a twister to blow everything down (t, 911, buddie, 17.2k)

when one plus one equals three (t, 911, buddie, 3.6k)

(gonna also say how blown away i was by the reception to my heart is working overtime, considering it really is one of my sillier fics)

5. do you respond to comments?

yeah, it typically won't be right away, but i do tend to reply to comments definitely! on a multi-chapter fic it doesn't tend to be until i'm posting the next chapter

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

the sound of glass (kate daniels, m, hugh d'ambray x christopher steed)

i wrote this fic for the kate daniels series last year for yuletide. i kept it within canon parameters and therefore there was no way for this pairings ending to be anything but angsty. to this day my fic is the only one in that pairing tag.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

either is forever enough (mentioned above) or put a hold on my heart (e, tgm, rooster x phoenix, currently sitting at about 31k) which i haven't finished posting yet, but like i did finish writing it and let me tell you that ending is some of the sappiest shit i've ever written

8. Do you get hate on fics?

i have. both times i deleted the comment with the intention of moving on, the second time the commenter didn't let me do that so i responded with a rocky horror gif

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

i didn't used to but boy howdy those scenes sure do seem to be finding their way into my fics. i have a wip in the works that opens practically right out the gate with two explicit scenes. it took me a bit to get back into m/f smut after writing so much m/m for buddie. (i haven't posted any f/f but i have written it for an original work)

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written?

yep! only one and it was a cross between the old guard and leverage and it was such a fun time actually

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

if so i don't know about it

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

nope

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

nothing beyond bouncing ideas back and forth with others

14. What’s your all time favorite ship?

oh god. i have like. the ones that scratch an itch in my brain and ones that i love writing for. i got new ones this year (icemav and rooster x phoenix) i love writing buck x eddie and i have had a lot of fun writing book of nile.

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

i have a couple of ideas that i started and then kind of moved on from those fandoms (i had a couple of hp wips that i was excited about but will now never finish) but really a lot of what i have sitting in my docs that are unfinished are things i would like to come back to someday

16. What are your writing strengths?

dialogue, probably. and humor

17. What are your writing weaknesses?

i've had to spend so much time developing my imagery skills, and describing action. explicit scenes are such a challenge for me, from vocabulary to action. but as i work on them more i find myself developing those. but all of that are still very much weak points for me

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

i won't really do it unless it's just a few words. i did it in a book of nile fic a while back, but i kept it to a few french phrases that i could translate in text.

19. First fandom you wrote for?

the first fandom i ever posted fic for was the librarians. i actually wrote some doctor x rose stuff that never went beyond the privacy of my own docs.

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

i'll do three that i'm really proud of (and a bonus one that i can't name because it hasn't been revealed yet) put a hold on my heart (i just am so fond of it and all the little details that i came up with for the story some of which will be expanded on in other fics) words i've never said (it was fun to write a mistaken identity christmas fic for buddie and i really do like how it came out) let's get lost (and let the good times roll) which i wrote as a companion to lover be good to me (mentioned above) and i just really liked getting to explore and expound on another facet of that story and i really liked the character dynamics i created

tagging (no pressure of course!): @natashatrace, @reachingforaspark, @ladywaffles, @redbelles

[pulchrasilva]

1, 2, 5, 6, and 50! Feel free to answer any or all of them!

1. What fic of yours would you recommend to someone who had never read any of your work? (In other words, what do you think is the best introduction to your fics?)

Probably i know a place where the pain doesn't reach. I think it's the fic that best captured the exact Essence™️ of what I was going for and a lot of my best fics feature a similar kind of soft reconciliation hurt/comfort i think

2. Go to your AO3 “Works” page, to the sidebar with all the filters, and click the drop-down arrow for “Additional Tags.” What are your top 3-5 most used tags? Do you think they accurately represent your writing habits?

In order: Angst, Fluff, Polyamory, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Canon-Compliant

Yep that's extremely accurate. I feel a little called out actually lol. Just realising that all the fics I've written featuring a romantic relationship have been polyships wow

5. What do you wish someone would ask you about [insert fic]? Answer it now!

I think about this is where i leave you, I'd like someone to ask what actually happened to Romulus after his split himself. It's something that Janus wonders about in the first chapter. I'd like to think that his consciousness still exists somewhere in Thomas's mind, he just doesn't have the role of creativity anymore. He's like a kind of ghost, he has no body, floating around and watching over Janus and the twins. Grieving when they fight, grieving when Janus grieves him. He'd be really happy that Janus managed to make up with the twins I think.

6. What’s one fact about the universe of [insert fic] that you didn’t get a chance to mention in the fic itself?

Something Irrevocable never actually says what happened to Rowan (an oc)'s baby cousin. I mentioned that he made a lopsided little teddy bear for his cousin and then after the apocalypse happened we see a purple teddy bear on the side of the road and it's missing an arm. Tbh i don't really have an answer to this but I made myself so sad with that detail so I wanted to do something with it. He's definitely not dead, that would make me too sad. I have an idea for a hypothetical spin-off about Carlton Drake (who was the main villain in the movie but basically irrelevant and kinda pathetic in the fic) which was gonna use his affection for kids as a somewhat-redeeming quality, and I was gonna put Rowan's cousin in there.

50. Answer any question of your choice, or talk about anything you want to talk about!

Gonna choose 49: What are you currently working on? Share a few lines if you’re up for it!

You mayy or may not have heard a little about this fic, but I'm currently working on a fic for roleslaying week with the working title "flaredrum mft ftm solidarity fic". It's from Djembe's pov but it's about Youngblood's time at the Bard College pre-canon, her relationship with Noise and her gender. I wouldn't say it explores Djembe, but it does also explore who I like to imagine Djembe is (tbf we don't know much about him yet!) Oh and it's also about how the Bard College is a fucked up toxic environment in sooo many ways.

Here's an extract from the most recent scene I wrote:

You know," Viola said after a few minutes of silence, pointing a chip in his direction. "Sharpe's not wrong." "About what?" "Connections are just another thing to manipulate. People don't really have friends here." Djembe laughed. "So what are you and I then? "Are you kidding?" Viola said, not a trace of a smile on her face. "You're top of the class, all the teachers love you." His smile dropped. "So?" She shrugged. "I need to keep my grades up if I want to become a captain." Djembe felt something shatter.

Made myself real sad with this whole scene tbh

[wildwood-reader]

Reading Update #4

October 23, 2022

Recently Finished

BOOKS

If We Were Villains by M.L. Rio

Edition: ebook

Final Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Final Thoughts: It took me a while to really get a feeling for who the characters were, especially the male characters, they were all one blurry soup in the beginning with names I couldn't quite tell apart mixed into it. For the same reason, it also took me a while (50 pages or so) to really get settled in the story. But once I did, it was hard to stop reading, it really made me desire to come back for more every time. The Shakespearean theater stuff was really cool and I loved how the mystery of Oliver's past was unraveled bit by bit. I can absolutely see why people name this book as one of the staples of the Dark Academia genre. The ending, though! There were things I'd already suspected and one or two things that left me a little 'meh'. That last paragraph was everything to me, though! Overall, the ending wrapped up the book nicely and in consistency with the rest of the story, which is always good. Great book, highly recommend for lovers of Dark Academia, Shakespeare and murder mysteries that are unraveled piece by piece throughout the book.

Currently Reading

BOOKS

The Scum Villain's Self-Saving System (Vol. 2) by Mo Xiang Tong Xiu

Edition: Paperback

Progress: Page 244/302

Current Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️.5

Thoughts: I think I'm finally ready to pick it up again and finish it, so we'll see how it goes.

FANFICTION

Fall of the Crimson Flowers by AkatsukiShin (in artistic collaboration with brilcrist)

Fandom: Word of Honor

Progress: Chapter 2.5/5/?

Up-to-date? No

Chapters Behind: 3.5

Kudos: ✅️

Thoughts: Okay, I really need to start catching up. 😅

Heaven Has A Road But No One Walks It by Silvestris

Fandom: The Untamed

Progress: Chapter 47/48/?

Up-to-date? Almost

Chapters Behind: 1

Kudos: ✅️

Thoughts: There's a new chapter and I need to read it! 👀

And that's it for books I recently finished and books I'm currently reading. My backlog is under the cut. 👻

BACKLOG*

BOOKS

Wayward Son by Rainbow Rowell

Edition: Paperback

Progress: Page 102/341

Current Rating: ⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️

Thoughts: This is a buddy read with my bestie, and right now it just doesn't fit the autumn vibe. We'll probably pick it back up some time after Halloween.

FANFICTION

Red Azalea by CeNedraRiva

Fandom: The Untamed

Progress: Chapter 112/135/?

Up-to-date? No

Chapters Behind: 23

Kudos: ✅️

Thoughts: The stars are still not aligned for me to continue it just yet, but I'm really excited for everything that's coming. 👻

Setting Fire To Our Insides by StarsAlignNomore

Fandom: The Untamed

Progress: Chapter 14/22/?

Up-to-date? No

Chapters Behind: 8

Kudos: ✅️

Thoughts: Y'know what, I think I will be ready to continue it soon; it fits my vibe hunger just enough, so we'll see. 😋

Impossible Life (Series) by Comfect

Fandom: The Untamed

Progress: Part 1/3

Finished Reading? No

Parts Behind: 2

Kudos: Part 1 ✅️

Thoughts: Not sure yet when I'll continue this, but I'm looking forward to Part 2.

The Black Mist House (Series) by Bang Bang Keef Keef

Fandom: Voltron (Legendary Defender)

Progress: Part 1/2

Finished Reading? No

Parts Behind: 1

Kudos: Part 1 ✅️

Thoughts: Another buddy read with my bestie and this one we particularly started reading for the Halloween season, so it's about time we finished it.

*Backlog refers to books and fic that I've started reading but have since put on hold due to various reasons

[subbe93]

The Roulette of Destiny part 5

What happened after the phone call with Ran's mother? Is it time to end this trip?

A/N: Sometimes I think if I should put this A/N- part to the end of chapters. Just because sometimes it would be nice to babbling about my thoughts of this fic without spoiling chapters, but then again I'm not sure how many are interested to read those, and those babblings would probably end up being much longer than at the beginning (since I'm trying to keep these short), so maybe it's better this way xD

But there is one thing that I sometimes regret: Missing Shinichi's pov. When I started this fic (actually when I started to think of some ideas for this fic), I was pretty sure that I'm going to write it from Ran's pov. For me, maybe Ran is easier to write since she is a more emotional character. And somehow I feel like Shinichi is maybe too smart for me. Well, probably when you write fanfics, you shouldn't think too much into things as long as the plot is interesting, but still, I kept thinking that if I would have written this 50/50, Shinichi's would have been hard to write. He would probably see or realise things much easier than others, even from the small things, and am I that creative? No, not at all D: But somehow I thought that is it "fair" if I would write only once in the while in Shinichi's pov? Yeah, because I thought that both of them deserve as much attention.

But it doesn't remove the fact that when I'm working on some of the scenes, I'm wondering what is going on in Shinichi's mind. What he's thinking? If I would have written this in his pov...

Well, if I really feel like it, maybe I write some kind of spin-off of some scenes from Shinichi's pov xD

Chapter 1 ~ Chapter 2 ~ Chapter 3 ~ Chapter 4

Chapter 5

He didn’t say anything, and Ran didn’t dare to talk. She just let her head rest against his shoulder and heard some voices of the subway and muffled chatter here and there. It wasn’t like she could have made out every word even if she would have really listened to them. Instead, she just sat there and stared in front of her without really seeing anything or even listening. She couldn’t point out how she felt right now. Relaxed being here, relieved that she didn’t need to go home yet, still somehow sad, anxious, depressed… And very childish.

And tired. Very, very tired. She was nothing more than a big mess.

She wondered what Shinichi was thinking about. The worst thing about that man was that she couldn’t tell anything from his facial expression. There he sat, like a mountain, reading some mystery book like nothing had happened. Like a few hours earlier he hadn’t have returned to their hotel room with their food and met crying Ran who had just sat on the floor and squeezed her phone in her hands, which hadn’t power anymore. Like the first thing he met then wasn’t a desperate young woman who just stumbled up and buried herself in his arms, crying against his shoulder and pleading that he would save her, take her somewhere safe, anywhere from here... Anywhere from her parents, who were coming after her…

But still, she would have liked to know how Shinichi felt about this. Was he disappointed in her? At least he tried to be the voice of reason to her, told her that maybe they should go back home, or maybe they should wait for her parents and show them that Ran was safe and sound, that Shinichi would never like to hurt their daughter. Because in the end, running away from them probably wouldn’t look good in their eyes.

Like it would have mattered. Ran was pretty sure that nothing would have changed her mother’s mind. Well, maybe she could have played her own cards better with that phone call. At least she had felt like they could have become some mutual understanding about this, but…

She felt tears burning in her eyes and she closed them. None of that mattered anymore. Everything had already happened and now she has to see consequences.

The next day she used the hotel’s gym and went kick some bags. She didn’t feel like she wanted to go anywhere, but at the same time, she didn’t want to stay in their room all day to think about her situation. She knew that it wouldn’t lead her anywhere. If something, it would make her only more restless and anxious.

Ran has always been a good and obedient girl. She had always done what was the right thing to do, or that was what she believed. And she has done always like her parents had wished. And right now, she knew that the right thing to do is go back home and prepare for the wedding and accept her faith. She should go back and meet her groom because only then she would know what kind of man she is going to marry. That way she would be prepared for her own future and at the same time make her parents happy and proud.

But at the same time Ran hated to be that girl, because now she felt like every good thing she had done in her life, didn’t have any effect. She had done everything like a good daughter should, so why was it so hard to give her one chance to say no? Why doesn’t she even have the chance to say no anyway? Or even had a chance to do some compromises?

Well, she knew why. Because her parents were poor. Because they couldn’t afford her studies and her living any longer. Because Ran couldn’t get herself a part-time job, and it wasn't like she hadn't tried. She just hadn't had luck. Because her parents had met their old friends and with these friends' help, they had ensured that Ran could have some future. Better future than now, they probably thought. It wasn’t like she couldn’t understand it, but she didn’t want money this badly that she would be ready to marry anyone. Between money and love, she would always choose love. Ran still wanted to believe that she could have figured out something if it was because of money. Or if they would have even asked Ran's opinion before deciding… In the end, she was an adult! If they would have discussed it with her, she could have accepted it.

But no, they decided about it without asking anything from her! So, was it so wrong to run away for a week or two just to have fun and forgot that she can’t even affect her own future? Well, yeah, maybe this wasn’t the best way to do it, and yeah, this wasn't a very good time for it, while the wedding was close, but then again, it was her parents who were to blame for it. Why didn’t they tell her sooner? When did they even decide about this marriage? And like Shinichi had said earlier, they could plan things ready enough that when Ran goes back home, she could only just try her dress and they still have time to fix it – even somehow. Flowers would be ready, make-up planned and all, so they shouldn’t have anything to complain about! And in the end, this wasn’t Ran’s choice. Part of her wanted to say that it wasn’t her problem how wedding preparations would go.

But at the same time, it was her wedding. She was the one who is going to remember it the rest of her life, telling someday her children about it, and the question was if she is going to regret it later that she didn’t put much effort into it. The best she could do now was to try to affect things where she could and that way to get herself as the perfect wedding as she could get.

“It seems that beautiful lady would need something else to hit than just bags.”

Ran stopped there and looked for the voice. A brown-skinned man stood far enough of her, just looking at her with his grey eyes. He had a little smile on his lips when he rubbed his knuckles.

“Aaah!” Ran shouted and pointed at him with her finger. “Are you… are you Maeda Satoru-san?!”

For a moment the man looked confused before he relaxed. “Oh, you recognize me?”

“Of course! You’re the Japanese karate champion!” Ran smiled wildly. “I’m a big fan! I even started karate because of you!”

“Oh, really?” He looked a little embarrassing. “What an honour to hear I have affected someone’s habits.” Then he smiled and winked. “And to see that someone is a beautiful lady.”

Ran blushed, but she was also curious. “What are you doing here?”

“Me? Oh, I’m just having a holiday with my wife”, he answered and looked away. “She wanted to rest, so I thought to come to the gym to have a little practice for myself, but when I came, many other customers were leaving having a scared look on their faces, so I got curious… And it looks like that you are the reason why they were so scared”, he laughed.

“What?” Ran shouted and looked around. Well, indeed she was the only one here anymore… Funny, because there were other people when she came. “Oh my, am I really reason that they left?”

Satoru smiled. “Well, you were punching that back pretty intensive. You also have a very angry expression on your face, like you were having revenge for something.”

Ran felt embarrassing. Nice, now she had scared other customers. The hotel's owner wouldn't be happy about this, and Shinichi would be probably the one who would hear all the complaints about her...

“Oh my…” she laughed nervously. “Maybe I should leave before I got in trouble because of this…”

“Really?” Satoru said and looked a little disappointed. “And here I thought that I can offer to be your practice buddy, miss..?”

“Mouri Ran.”

“Ran-san”, he smiled and took his beginning position, ready whenever Ran would be. “Just a few rounds, don’t you think?”

“Eh, I’m not sure if I’m any challenge for you.”

“Don’t be so modest”, he answered. “I can go a little easy on you if you want.”

Ran rolled her eyes, though smiled. “But don’t your wife miss you?”

“I don’t think so”, he answered. “Besides, she is pregnant, so it’s good for her to take it easy.”

“What, you’re going to have a baby?”

“Yeah.”

“Wow”, Ran sighed. “Well, if that’s the case, congratulations!”

“Thank you”, he answered while Ran took her position. “What about you?”

“About me?” she asked a little confused.

“Yeah. Do you have a family?”

Ran smiled, though she hoped that it didn’t show as much sadness as she felt. “Going to get married soon.”

“Well, congratulations!”

Ran had a hard time, though it was rewarding and fun. At least it made her forget her worries for a while since she really needed to concentrate to beat her opponent. Ran wasn’t bad since some of her blows went through and she managed to defend herself, but she saw that she still got some way to go before she could beat that karate champion.

Surprisingly Satoru saw that and took his time to teach her some new moves. It made her only more excited! He showed them and helped her to do them right. Then they continued the fight so that Ran got a chance to use them in practice. He also gave her some tips and advice and gave her praises, saying that she was good and strong. Ran really couldn’t wait that she would get back to her karate practices and tell her friends about this! Maybe she could teach her friends everything that Satoru had taught for her!

“I don’t doubt that one day you’re going to be the Japanese karate champion”, Satoru laughed while wiping his sweat on his arm. “You’re very thought opponent already. Truth to be told, I don’t want to be the one who makes you angry.”

Ran blushed. “Well, I don’t usually beat anyone with my karate just because they made me angry”, she answered and laughed. “Mostly defending myself or someone else. Or just practicing relieve some stress.” Then she smiled at him. “So, how about another round?”

“Nah, no thank you”, he answered and bowed. Ran did the same. “Even though it was good to practice against you, I think it has been a few hours and my wife is probably waiting for me by now.”

“A few hours?” Ran gasped. “Oh my, the time has really flown.”

“It has”, he answered and looked somewhere behind her. He lowered his voice a little. “And if the gaze could kill, I would be dead by now.”

Ran laughed. “I believe your wife understands…”

“I don’t talk about my wife”, he answered and winked. “I talk about your groom who has been standing there watching us for some time now.”

“What?” Ran frowned before turned around. Shinichi was there, just leaning on the wall in his jeans and t-shirt, arms crossed on his chest.

“Thank you for training, hopefully, we meet again someday”, Satoru’s voice said. Ran looked at him and saw how the man smiled at him before walked past her.

“Oh, thank you too!” She thanked. The man just walked towards the door, nodded to Shinichi who happened to be near, and vanished behind the door. Ran looked back at Shinichi who for a moment looked at that door. She tried to find some hints from his face that he had stared at them or – like the Satoru had said – “tried to kill him with his gaze”, but she didn’t find any. She smiled. Well, truth to be told, she couldn’t even imagine that those eyes could kill anyone.

“Who was he?”

Ran shrugged. “Maeda Satoru-san”, she answered. “He is the Japanese karate champion! He just happened to be here and wanted to practice with me! Can you believe it?” She looked at the door which that karate champion had used. “What an honor to practice with him, can’t wait to tell my friends…”

Shinichi left the wall and let his hands drop. “If you had asked, I could have exercised with you.”

Ran raised her eyebrow with a humorous smile. “Oh, do you do karate too?”

Shinichi rolled his eyes and for a moment he looked upset. “Well, I know how to dodge.”

She laughed. “Well, that wouldn’t have been fun too long, you know.”

He looked at her and Ran took back what she had thought about those blue eyes. They were pretty scary. “Well, you could have taught me.”

If Ran felt excited and happy a moment ago, she didn’t anymore. “Shinichi, what’s wrong? Why are you so angry?”

“I’m not angry”, he answered and looked away.

“Well, for me it looks like you are”, she told him. “I feel like you are angry because I came here to settle my thoughts about yesterday evening. I didn’t ask you because you were outside, but even if you would have been there, I wouldn’t have asked because I kinda wanted to have time for myself to think.”

Ran heard him sneer. “And yet you practice with him.”

“Yeah, because he just happened to come here and asked if it’s okay”, Ran defended. “Is it wrong now to practice with the Japanese karate champion?”

“Well, at least you got an opponent who was worthy of you”, he answered and put his hands on the pockets before moving towards the door. “I just came here to check if you want to eat something. But come when you want, I wait for you in the hotel’s lobby.”

Ran looked at how he disappeared behind the door before she sighed. She didn’t understand why Shinichi was so upset about something like that. Truth to be told, after yesterday, Ran didn’t need him to be upset, especially now when she had sorted her own worries and was ready to have fun again. But maybe it wasn’t because of her? Maybe he also got some kind of phone call from home that made him upset? But then again, why he couldn’t just say so?

Ran was pretty sure that she had made Shinichi upset some way, but she really couldn’t tell how. The last time when Shinichi was bothered, he told her not to worry before she got him to confess. But now? Every time Ran tried to ask what was wrong, he changed the subject. She tried to lighten the mood but instead of making him laugh or participate in her jokes like usual, he just showed her a forced smirk or looked like she had hurt him more.

But what was the thing she had done wrong? She couldn’t tell. And when they finally got back to the hotel room, where Ran was ready to roast that man to speak even if it would take the next two weeks, he went to the bathroom.

Ran glanced angrily at that closed door before sat down on her bed and crossed her arms and legs. Well, she can wait, and as soon as that man would come out, she would make sure that they would have a good talk.

Probably only a minute had passed when the phone on the bedside table started to ring. It was Shinichi’s. Ran glanced at the bathroom door. It didn't look like he was coming out if he even heard his phone ringing. Then she looked back at the phone. Out of curiosity she leaned forward and looked at the phone’s screen. Someone named Hattori tried to call him.

Who was Hattori?

“Shinichi!” she shouted. “Your phone is ringing!”

He didn’t answer, maybe he didn’t hear it. Ran stared at the phone. Well, at least the caller was stubborn. Should she answer instead? She kinda wanted to. She had heard how her mom or dad sometimes answered each other’s phones, so it shouldn’t be too weird if she would answer his. Except it would. They had just met and any of his friends wouldn’t recognise her, so it would totally be weird to hear some random woman answer Shinichi’s phone.

And she still didn’t know who this Hattori was. Maybe some friend. Maybe Shinichi’s bride? Ran felt something tightening on her chest. No way, right? It couldn’t be possible, right? Shinichi hadn’t mentioned anything about knowing who his fiancée was, so he couldn’t have her phone number, right? But it was like… five days ago? In these five days, everything could have changed. Maybe someone had given him the number of his fiancée and he hadn’t tell Ran about it? Maybe his parents have told him that he should call her, but since he hasn’t, the fiancée was now calling to him? Or maybe he had called her while Ran hadn’t seen it? Maybe they got along well, maybe she's perfect to him and now they need to talk more, and… and…

Wait? Why she even cared who this Hattori was? Why should she be bothered if his fiancée wanted to call him and ask how he was doing.

Ran heard how WC was flushed. She took a deep breath before stood up, took Shinichi’s phone in her hand, and went in front of the bathroom door. It opened.

“Your phone is ringing”, she said and gave the phone to him. He thanked and she saw how his other eyebrow raised when he looked at the phone. Ran stepped aside when Shinichi answered the phone and moved away from the doorway.

“Hey…”

“What the hell, why it took so long to answer?!” someone on the phone shouted pretty angrily and made Shinichi put the phone away from his ear. Even Ran heard that shout.

Oh, Hattori sounded like a man.

“Well, last time I checked, it isn’t a crime to be in the bathroom without a phone”, Shinichi answered with an annoying voice. Ran smiled while watching how Shinichi moved and sat on his bed. Then she shook her head and tried to think of something else to do since it wasn’t nice to listen to others' phone calls. And since it wasn’t Shinichi’s fiancée…

God, she really needed to stop thinking about that stupid fiancée!

So she went to their little kitchen trying to find something to do, but it was pointless. Since they had arrived late last night, they didn’t have any dirty dishes, only their glasses which they had drunk. She also opened to fridge to see if there were something she should go to buy, but it seemed that Shinichi had done it already.

There was not much to do and trying to ignore the phone call started to be harder. For a moment she started to wonder what they were even talking about since Shinichi asked some questions like “Do you try to solve it with…” “Did you ask…” “So how about…” or asked what someone did or said after something, or what happened next. It didn’t make much sense to Ran since those questions sounded from time to time weird on her ears. And maybe that was for the best since it was still pretty rude to listen to someone else’s phone calls.

So since there wasn’t much for Ran to do, she took out some wedding magazines which she bought earlier and lay on her bed to read them. As soon as she opened the first magazine, she realised that it would have been nicer if she would have gone to the lobby or somewhere else to read that Shinichi would have more privacy. In the end, he had done the same to her. But now that she lay on the bed, she felt like she didn’t dare to move anymore. She would only make herself a fool and give to Shinichi one more thing to make fun of her later. So she stayed still and tried to focus only on the magazine. At least it was something she needed to do sooner or later, and the sooner she would do it, the better.

But while she looked at dresses, make-ups, and hairstyles, she started to wonder if they still would have enough time to get her dress ready for the wedding. It probably wasn’t a small thing to do. Wedding dresses were more complicated than ordinary dresses. There would be layers and what else needed to open before anything could be done. And it was possible that Ran wasn’t the only one who needs her dress to be fixed. There would be probably many others who also had their weddings. And even if she would give them exact sizes of her, would it be enough?

Now that she thought about it, maybe she really should go back. She still wanted a wedding dress that would feel good on her, not too tight or too big. But does she want a perfect wedding dress? The more beautiful wedding dress she would get, the more time the fixes would take, she thought.

She glanced at Shinichi from the corner of her eyes. Ran still wasn’t ready to end this journey. It was five days since they left Tokyo, so it wouldn’t be too bad to enjoy a week and then go back home. In the end, it wasn’t like her parents have much money to spend on her wedding dress anyway. So, there wasn’t any point to watch those expensive and beautiful dresses. Her dress would be a simple one and Ran believed that those weren’t as complicated to fix if needed. It wouldn’t take too long, and if it would, maybe Ran could do those fixes herself? It wasn’t like she hadn’t fixed her clothes before, so how hard would it be to make some fixes on the white dress? And if she gives those exact sizes and looks for some examples for the dress ready for her mother, there shouldn’t be any rush.

And then again, this wedding wasn’t her idea. So why should she be the one who would stress out about it?

Oh, she knew exactly why…

“Hey, Ran?”

”What?” She looked at Shinichi. A man just sat there and looked at her. When did he stop that call?

“Do you want to go to Osaka?”

“Osaka?”

“Yeah”, Shinichi confirmed. “I happen to have a friend there who just called and asked if we would visit.”

Ran hesitated. Oh, now he wants to meet his friend. Well, she kinda couldn't say no because he was the one who paid for this trip, but still, she wasn’t too eager to go there, because… Well, part of her wanted to meet his friend, but at the same time, she was kind of scared that she would end up being the third wheel. She had to admit, she didn’t want to be there alone…

“Hattori is a pretty nice guy, though a little hothead”, Shinichi laughed. “But a good man. And Kazuha-chan is also a very nice girl. I believe you would get along with them pretty well.” He kept a little pause and Ran didn’t say anything. “But of course, if you don’t want to, then we can forget it.”

“It’s okay”, Ran said and looked at him with a smile. “It would be nice to visit Osaka, and… It would be nice to meet your friends.”

Chapter 6

[domesticated-feral]

ask game!

thank you for the tag @scribeoffate and @nacreousgore

Name: Feral also known as Tyler.

Fandoms: I like a lot of media, of various types. But the ones I've done the most interaction with is this one bandom that shall not be named and the Teen Wolf fandom. Although im not as immersed in these as I was because other cool things joined the chat, but im still knee deep in it though.

Most popular oneshot:

By Kudos: surprisingly (because i havent gone on ao3 in like months) Fake It 'til You Make It is top with 174 kudos!!!! It's a stackson fake dating/office setting/besties AU

By hits: it's I'm Yours which is also surprising but not unexpected. A smutty sciles oneshot.

Most popular multichapter: I have like 4 multichaptered fics and its undoubtedly the sterek AU fanfic i pantsed during nanowrimo of 2020.

Actual worst part of writing: having no time to write, having motivation but being unable to write. As a writer, thats the most frustrating part to ever experience and continue to experience.

How do you choose your titles? I understand that many writers find this part hard. But I find it pretty easy and I can think of titles in a moderate amount of time. I have three methods: placeholder title that you get attached to, or jumble up key words to make something or PUNS. If situation is dire, just resort to fic #19239283. (this is a callout to 2019 me who titled the first two sterek oneshots i posted to ao2 titled sterek oneshot #1 and sterek oneshot #2 respectively)

Do you outline? Pantser here. But sometimes i write down how i want a fic/chapter to go if i get too confused, its a 50/50 chance whether the outline gets followed or not.

Ideas I probably wouldn't get around to, but wouldn't it be nice if I would?

Most of ideas, blurbs, vague plotty dialogue exchanges which end up jotted down in the notes app probably. Some of them, I think about a lot, I yearn to write them but I haven't gotten around to doing it yet. For one, I would really love writing a fic where Scott is as recklessly selfless as he is in canon and Jackson having none of that bullshit, uses his paralyzing venom to stop Scott from being selfless to the point that he's willing to risk his life against a threat. He can get around to defeating that threat later when there's a better plan but for now, Scott's gotta sit tight. Whether that be voluntarily or involuntarily is up to him....or not.... idk where this idea is going but i want more of it.

Callouts @ Me: liking other things doesn't mean you're abandoning one thing for another. ALSO, don't feel guilty that you're prioritizing studies and stuff like that over stuff that's less arduous like fic writing or drawing...you'll get time to do them soon.

Best writing trait: I don't necessarily overthink about what others might think of what i write and i just write what i want? is that a good trait?

Spicy Tangential Opinion: S4 could've been greater if they had gone with one plot arc instead of trying to balance both the kate werejaguar berserker arc and the deadpool arc at the same time.

I don't think that's as spicy as one would think, but like...s4 could've been less confusing if the writers just focused on one or the other.

Tagging @ all my writer friends who havent been tagged to do this, i cant think rn im so tired and i wanna sleep. it's only been 2 days into this week and im already tired whyyyyy

[spicycreativity]

Soft-Shoe Shuffle - Ch 1

Chapter: 1/12 Rating: T (for language) Content Warnings: Canon-typical Remus content. This chapter only: alcohol use Characters: All Pairings: Moceit, background Prinxiety, background Intrulogical (yes I played a little game of "pair the spares") Additional Tags: Hey it's the fic I published on Anon because I was embarrassed of how utterly pretentious it is!, post-PoF, sickfic, dirty poetry, humor interspersed with philosophy and Janus-typical pontification, this is VERY speculative and will get Jossed in the future lmao Summary: After claiming his place in the Light and coming face-to-face with the consequences of his actions, Janus finds himself unwillingly re-calibrating his moral compass. For selfish reasons, of course. But one apology snowballs into several, and soon he's running around the Mindscape with a low-grade fever and a guilty conscience as he desperately tries to regain some sense of self. Oh, and he's definitely not falling in love with Patton, so don't even bring it up. One Last Note: I wrote this in an ADHD fugue state. It is HEAVILY influenced by Dostoyevsky's Crime and Punishment, but there are also references to poetry and various other works of literature. I also deliberately used symbols, themes, and motifs. Most of them are pretty in your face except for the recurring ouroboros, which is used as a symbol of rebirth. ...Told you it was pretentious.

When you wake up to the promise of your dream world comin' true With one less friend to call on, was it someone that I knew? Away you will go sailing in a race among the ruins If you plan to face tomorrow, do it soon

Janus appeared in the Dark side of the Mindscape, elation swelling in his chest. Even the ringing headache and bitter taste in his mouth couldn't hollow the unfamiliar triumph that warmed him to the core. Caught up in his own thoughts, it took a moment for him to register the sight before him: Remus, upside-down on the couch, his brow furrowed and face an alarming shade of purple.

For a moment, Janus stood stock-still as he tried to get his bearings. He must have been more flustered than he'd realized-- He'd been aiming for his bedroom.

But here he was, staring down at Remus, who was definitely going to burst a blood vessel (or several) if he didn't flip over soon.

"That's not horrifying at all," Janus said, thinking it would be rude to dismiss Remus, especially since he had probably been eavesdropping. He had likely heard everything. Everything. Even the ugly parts.

"Do you remember when Thomas read that post about Nutty Putty Cave?" Remus asked in a strained, strangled voice. "That spelunker who died because he got stuck upside-down?"

"No," Janus said, before realizing his mistake. "Yes." He definitely wanted Remus to remind him of the gory details.

"That's what I thought," Remus said with a wicked grin.

Janus sighed through his nose. Remus, though he thrived on attention, seemed content enough to continue his experiment by himself. On the other hand, if Janus didn't bring up a certain insult he'd levied at Roman, Remus most certainly would, and at a time where it would cause the most upset and turmoil. Better for Janus to deal with it now, even if he would have to fight the tension pulling his muscles taut. He wanted to dance. He wanted to scream.

Hesitation proved to be Janus' downfall, and by the time he'd opened his mouth to broach the subject at hand, Remus had beaten him to the blow. "You're not usually this quiet, Oralboros. Snake got your tongue?"

Janus, again, sighed. Rather than answer, he doffed his hat, set it on the coffee table, and clumsily arranged himself upside-down next to Remus. The change in position immediately made his head throb. He ignored it. "I definitely meant it when I called you 'evil'."

Remus' eyes widened in faux-shock. "You called me evil ?" he shrieked, voice ringing out high and clear. "Me? How dare you. I'm an angel!"

At least Remus was taking it well. "Sarcasm is my thing," Janus said, realizing that he might make it out of this without having to properly apologize.

For some reason, Patton's face flashed into his mind, and a subsequent twinge of guilt made his tongue go sour. Fine. If there was ever a time to start telling uncomfortable truths… "But I am sorry I said that."

"Wow!" Remus laughed. "You must be upset." A red stain began to spill across his left eye. "You don't apologize."

"It’s not like I care about your feelings or anything." Janus would have liked to have drawn himself up to his full height, but it was impossible to do while upside-down. "As much as I'm enjoying watching your blood vessels slowly burst, would you please turn over before you hurt yourself? I've suffered enough psychological trauma for today."

"Oh, fine." Remus kicked his legs and landed neatly on his toes like a gymnast.

Janus, by contrast, got his arms tangled in his capelet and nearly folded himself in half before he found his balance again. "I meant to do that," he said, turning to grab his hat so Remus wouldn't see the blush on his face.

The sudden sensation of blood draining from his head made the room whirl. He steadied himself against Remus' shoulder until it slowed somewhat, but nothing could dampen the horrible ringing in his ears.

"Well," he said, adjusting his shirt. The sudden appearance of his conscience had taken the wind out of his sails more than he cared to admit, and all thoughts of dancing bled out of him along with a good deal of energy. "I'm not going to go scream into my pillows until I tire myself out."

"Being an agent of chaos is hard work," Remus said with a sage nod, "but that doesn't sound very relaxing, Mr Self Care."

"It's a form of meditation, if you think about it," Janus said.

Remus made a face. "You know I don't do that."

"...Meditate?"

"No, think."

"Ah. Well." Janus made only a token attempt to hide his fond smile. "Good night, Remus. Please stay up late and injure yourself."

"Can do, Snakeypoo.”

Janus turned. It was close enough, he might as well walk to his bedroom, especially considering how well his last attempt at appearing in it had gone.

The reason why that had been so difficult became apparent in mere moments. Janus froze in the hall and dropped to his knees at the giddy wave of horror and delight that made him too light-headed to stand.

He knelt in front of the empty stretch of wall where his door had been previously.  Heat flooded his face.

"Jay?" The rounded toes of Remus' boots appeared in his line of sight. Janus zeroed in on them, the mud splatters and stains on the soft leather. "You have an aneurysm or what?"

Janus, unable to speak, motioned for Remus to turn around. He couldn't deal with this right now.

"Ohhh," said Remus. "Well. Good luck with that ." He hauled Janus to his feet. "So you're a boner fide good guy now, huh?"

Janus stared over Remus' shoulder at the empty stretch of wall where his door used to be. "That depends entirely on who you ask."

Remus shrugged and rose up on his toes. "You can scream into my pillows instead, if you want."

"As tempting as that is…" Janus trailed off, his eyes still fixed on the wall. It was tempting, despite the constant chaos in Remus' room. But he'd have to face the Light side sooner or later. It wasn't like he could move his room back, not without psychologically damaging Thomas and undoing all the work he'd done. "I'm really looking forward to getting insulted some more."

"Alright," Remus said with a shrug. "Try not to throw me under the bus this time, alright? Unless it's a real bus…" His gaze became dreamy, unfocused. "And it's doing 50 in a school zone and there's a whole pack of screaming kids in the crosswalk--"

"Goodbye, Remus." Janus turned and left.

--

The barrier between the "dark" and the "light" sides of Thomas' brain had been a joint venture. It would have been there in some form no matter what, but it was Janus and Roman (with Patton's tacit blessing) who had worked to put up something more physical between them.

Janus ducked under the red curtain, trepidation percolating in his stomach, but what he found on the other side was anticlimactic to say the least: It was dead silent on this side of the barrier.

Janus wasn't sure what he'd been expecting. He knew by now that the so-called "Lights" had issues working out their interpersonal issues, and this most recent conflict wasn't the kind of thing you just got over. It did follow that they would all go off to lick their wounds for a time.

Hesitantly, toe-to-heel, Janus crept down the hall. It felt for all the world like he was sneaking around a vast hotel, right down to needlessly ornate design on the plush carpeting. That was probably Roman's doing.

Janus focused, trying to call the Mindscape to work for him. He wanted to go to his room.

The Mindscape listened. Janus turned a corner and found a row of doors stretching down yet another brightly-lit corridor. His eye was immediately drawn, not to the brilliant yellow of his own door, but to the figure huddled in front of it: Patton sat with his arms wrapped around his legs, forehead resting on his knees.

"Looking for someone?" Janus asked, slightly louder than necessary.

Patton jerked his head up. "Oh! Janus!" He plastered an unconvincing smile on his face. "You sure pop star-tled me."

Scaring Patton hadn't brought Janus nearly the level of schadenfreude he'd thought it would. He crossed his arms over his chest, extending a third to help Patton up. "Take your time getting to the point.”

"Oh." Patton accepted Janus' proffered hand and got to his feet. Warmth spilled from him, permeating the fabric of Janus' glove and gently heating his palm. "Well, it's just…" He took a deep breath. "I noticed your door and I thought-- Well, I wanted to make you feel welcome!"

A high-pitched tone resonated in Janus' skull. He bit down on the inside of his cheek to keep from wincing at the mounting pressure-pain-exhaustion in his temples. "Aren't you just a saint ." Patton's face fell. Janus fought the urge to swear aloud. He usually had a better handle on himself, and he knew better than to alienate potential allies. "I mean, thank you, Patton. Truly. I appreciate it." Patton had proven himself useful. Janus should at least cultivate that relationship, even if it meant a little discomfort.

"Have you eaten?" Patton asked. "It's a little late, but I could make something if you wanted." He paused. "Maybe we could play cards or something." Another pause. "O-only if you want to, I mean."

Janus let his face remain impassive even as he internally cringed at the idea of staying awake for even another second. It would be so easy to brush Patton off with a few honeyed words and disappear beyond the barrier of his door. But Patton had stood up for him today, or at least he'd tried to. Janus sighed. Quid pro quo. "That sounds like an utter waste of time."

"Are you… I'm sorry, sometimes I can't tell when you're…"

"Yes, Patton. That sounds lovely."

Patton actually hopped in place, an adorable little jig that absolutely didn't send a confusing little shockwave of fondness through Janus' ribcage. "Really?"

"Really," Janus lied.

He followed Patton down the hall into the living room, which opened into the dining room and the kitchen. Janus studied his surroundings, trying to take in as much as his exhausted faculties would allow. Even in the absence of other Sides, the living room felt warm and welcoming. All the lights were on, and they bathed everything in gentle golden light .

"You're awfully quiet," Patton said.

Janus shook himself. "I was just getting my bearings."

"I guess you've never really been over here, huh?" Pattton opened the refrigerator. Was he actually going to cook , instead of just manifesting something? How quaint. "Do you like grilled cheese?"

It had been a long, confusing day. Doublespeak came to Janus as naturally as breathing, but he was obviously running circles around Patton even when he wasn't trying to. "Yes," he said, hoping to telegraph his sincerity by not emoting at all.

It seemed to work. Patton studied him for a moment before turning back to the fridge. "Then that's what I'll make."

Janus took advantage of this temporary distraction to clamber onto one of the barstools. The slick velvet of his capelet tended to disagree with surfaces like wood and vinyl, and he needed a moment to arrange things so he didn't look as unbalanced as he felt.

He watched Patton work in the kitchen, a detached coolness washing out the scene. Quid pro quo, he reminded himself when he felt his facade begin to slip. He owed Patton this.

He certainly didn't feel the slightest twinge of guilt, that he had been the one to orchestrate this breakdown. Yes, the Light Sides had loaded the gun, but in the end it was Janus who had pulled the trigger.

He shook his head and thought about playing cards, good Bicycle playing cards with holes punched through them like they'd come from a casino. "What should we play?" he asked, pulling the deck from his breast pocket.

Patton looked up from the stovetop, his eyes flicking to the cards in Janus' hand. "Do you know Kings in the Corners?"

"Not personally, no."

Patton laughed, but there was something cold about it. "It's really simple," he said. "I'll show you how to play and you can tell me if you like it."

--

It was nearly impossible to cheat at Kings in the Corners. Janus doubted this had been a calculated measure on Patton's part, doubted he had the capacity for that kind of foresight, but he respected it just the same.

They played in funereal silence, staring each other down across the light wood of the dining room table. Janus, ill-inclined to take off his gloves, utilized a napkin to keep from staining them with melted butter from the grilled cheese Patton had made. Neither one of them smiled. Neither one of them spoke.

Janus pulled a card from the deck to indicate the end of his turn and glanced up at Patton. His face was somber, almost sorrowful, and it clashed against the gentle domesticity of the dining room, with its floral table runner and mismatched placemats.

Janus started to laugh.

"What is it?" Patton asked, cheeks darkening. "What? Do I have something on my face?"

Janus swallowed down another peal of laughter and cleared his throat, unable to wholly restrain the smile tugging at the corners of his lips. "You look like I’m holding you here at gunpoint." It was somewhat ironic, considering Janus was the one who felt like he couldn't leave.

"What?" Patton smiled, but it was more akin to an offering than an expression of joy.

"It’s not really funny. " Janus wasn’t quite sure how to make Patton understand.

Patton sat back with a sigh, placing his cards facedown on the table. "But I guess it is pretty funny, huh? In a really sad way."

Janus almost asked what was sad about it before realizing that Patton probably missed his friends. Instead he said, "Yes" and stifled a yawn behind his free hand.

"I'll make coffee!" Patton leapt to his feet and was off to the kitchen before Janus could so much as blink.

The newfound solitude made it that much harder for Janus to ignore his headache, which had only worsened in the hour or so he'd been playing cards with Patton. Despite the nonchalant facade he'd tried so hard to project, he'd been holding himself tense.

Maybe the night (or morning, at this point) would be easier to tolerate if he had, say, a bit of gold rum.

The corner of a flask dug into Janus' hip. He smiled.

"Just how late are you planning on staying up?" he asked Patton when the latter returned holding two mismatched mugs.

"Oh, I don't know," Patton said. Lied. He set a mug down in front of Janus and then resumed his seat, the cards forgotten by his elbow. "I'm… A little scared of what tomorrow will be like."

Janus eased the flask out of his pocket. "Rum?"

"Oh, um," Patton said, staring at the flask. "I don't know…"

Janus raised an eyebrow, working something out. He landed on it a millisecond later: Patton wanted to be convinced. Easy enough. Janus opened the flask and poured what he hoped was a shot into his own mug. It was black, he noticed, except for the yellow snake that wrapped around it, its tail firmly in its own mouth. Ouroboros. "Surely you don't intend to make me drink alone?"

As Janus had expected, Patton buckled the second he was pushed. "I guess not."

It was funny, Janus mused as he carefully tipped rum into Patton's coffee, how lying was only off-limits when Janus suggested it. Hilarious.

But now wasn't the time for bitterness, now was the time to repay the debt he owed Patton. "Cheers," he said, pocketing the flask once more.

"Cheers."

Janus sipped his coffee. "You put milk in this," he observed.

Patton's smile was surprisingly sly. "I know you want me to think you take it black. Virgil did too, at first. I know you ‘Dark Sides’ have an image you like to uphold."

"And how does Virgil take his coffee now?" Janus asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"With Snickers-flavored creamer."

"Well, I do take my coffee black," Janus lied.

Patton's smile never faltered. "We'll see, kid-- Uh, Janus."

"Patton," Janus said, before he could start thinking about the implications of Patton wanting to call him 'kiddo,' "you are planning on sleeping tonight, aren't you?"

"Maybe eventually," Patton said, suddenly unable to look Janus in the eye. "At some point."

"Tomorrow will come whether or not you sleep. It's definitely better to pull an all-nighter and feel like garbage instead of facing everything with a clear head."

"I know." Patton leaned forward so he could rest his head on his hand.

For a moment, Janus was tempted to mirror him. Sitting up straight was becoming quite the chore. "I know how the others love a calm, rational discussion."

"Oh, I wish." Patton's expression turned wistful.

Janus stifled a yawn behind his hand. He had half-expected the coffee to counteract the depressant effect of the alcohol, but all he had to show for the combination was a racing heart.

"I'll be fine out here if you want to go to bed," Patton said. Without seeming to realize he was doing it, he brought his hand to his mouth and bit down on his thumbnail.

It was a tempting offer. A day ago, Janus would have taken it. After all, it wasn't like he cared about Patton outside of professional courtesy. They weren't friends. But guilt nagged at him and wouldn't let him entertain the idea of abandoning Patton for longer than a second.

"That's a remarkable impression of a window," Janus said, waiting for Patton to look confused before elaborating, "I can see right through you."

"You got me." Patton smiled sadly. "That's something I've always admired about you, Janus."

Now it was Janus' turn to be confused. "What?"

"You're so… clever."

Janus narrowed his eyes. "Please do keep trying to change the subject."

"It's just… I don't want to have to lie there and, and think about today and everything I did wrong. I hurt Thomas. I hurt my friends." Patton's eyes were shiny behind his glasses; the unshed tears sparkled in the light when he locked eyes with Janus. "Aren't you going to think about the same thing?"

Anger flared, perhaps prematurely, in Janus' chest. "About what you did wrong today?"

"About what you did wrong," Patton said timidly.

"I," Janus said icily, "didn't do anything wrong." He stared Patton down across the table, jaw set, daring him to push back. Let him lecture and nag, let him prove that he hadn't changed no matter what he said.

But Patton only nodded, his face lined with misery. "Okay," he softly. "I think you're right, Janus. We should go to bed."

Janus thought about how much faster he could get to bed if the table was cleared, and all the dishes and cards vanished in a blink.

"Um, Janus?" Patton said.

"Yes?"

"I don't regret everything that happened today."

"Oh?"

Patton only nodded and sank out.

Janus made a beeline for his own room; better to find his way there on foot rather than risk appearing in the wrong spot.

Once inside, he looked around to ensure nothing was amiss, eyes roving over the dark wood of his bookshelves and desk, his mirrored closet doors, the leather armchairs across from his bed.

Everything was exactly as Janus had left it. He nodded, satisfied, set his hat on the nightstand, and sprawled out of top of the covers without bothering to further undress.

One hazy thought crawled to the surface of his mind before he fell asleep: At least he wouldn't be one of the regrets haunting Patton tonight.