#this is the first thing ive drawn in 6 months i hope you guys like it :-]

[1980ssunflower]

Happy New Year!! 🍾🥂🎉🎉🎉

[margolovescoffeeandbooks]

hi margo!! i hope this isn’t too much of a bother but i started watching daisy jones & the six, even thought i haven’t read it yet. i have so many thoughts :’) and i know it’s one of your favourite books so i thought id come to you!!

i was going to wait to watch it, but i was too excited and i also have so many other books on my tbr i didn’t want to wait so long. but like — idk i’m sobbing right now 😭 camila is such a beautiful character i love her so much. and i love daisy too. she’s amazing and complex which i really appreciate. i love all the songs so far (i’m on episode 6), but i just went on tiktok and saw the most gut wrenching thing ive ever seen :’) it was an audiobook of camila confronting daisy. i lost it 😭 i’m not even that far in the show but idc anymore. apparently they cut that scene from the show?? how could they do that???? that is such a powerful scene, and it just screams sisterhood in a way i have never heard so beautifully. and then i read the comments and people say they really sort of “ruined” daisy and camilas relationship, and made it seem like high school drama which it never was and now i’m like— should i just listen to the audiobook first?? i’m so upset that i won’t be able to see that moment between them on screen :( idk what to do 😭 all i know is i love camila and daisy and simone and karen like :( any scene between all of them makes me want to sob bc the sisterhood is just so amazing 😭 anyways. i had no idea id feel so drawn to this book / series but i’m so glad i decided to give it a try.

do you have any advice on what i should do? 😭 would it really make a difference if i read it before i finished watching it??

hello! no worries, you could never bother me! i love getting asks from you and all my mutuals! i've just been struggling with finding enough free time to respond to them lately... school's been particularly hard in the past few months and i'm trying to spend less time on tumblr for the sake of my mental health. but i promise everyone here that if you send me an ask, i will surely respond to it! you just have to be patient with me.

yes, it is one of my favourites! and i've finished the show about two weeks ago. it was an absolute rollercoaster of emotions, both positive and negative (mainly negative though).

i totally understand it! i would've probably done the same if i were you. i absolutely agree. camila's awesome. she's one of my favourite characters of all the time. she's so kind and wise. i aspire to be her! and daisy's great as well! she's fierce and charismatic. i really love her! the album is probably the best thing about the show. even my mom said she loved it and she grew up with fleetwood mac and other 70's band. besides, she's kind of a music snob (in a positive way). her taste is immaculate so if she said so, it is definitely true. yes, they cut it! i was so furious, you have no idea... i made everyone, my mum, my friends, listen to me complaining about it for days. they replaced that beautiful, powerful scene with a whiny, high school argument over a guy! they ruined many things in this show, but them erasing that conversation between daisy and camila disappointed me the most. it's been a while since you send me this so i don't know if you've already made the decision, but if i were you, i'd listen to the audiobook first. the book is way better than the show. yes, i adore them! it's an amazing story. i'm so glad you gave it a try!

[iaintyourbro]

In your opinion, why is Cloti more ideal and realistic compared to the other ship? Xoxo

Hey Anon.

I just replied to another ask regarding how important Tifa is to Cloud. 

Tifa’s Importance to Cloud

The blunt, honest answer I can have on this, since you want to know the more realistic one... Aerith dies. Cloud knew her for about a month and he’s 21 in the game. The first part of the game he is mentally incapable of actually falling in love with somebody. He may THINK he has, but it’s not real. Those are words out of Aerith’s mouth. There is no way, realistically, that a guy who is 21 will stop living over a girl he knew for a month. There is no possible way for them to even have a truly meaningful romantic relationship at this point. 

Above two: Within the Lifestream; Third Photo: From Ultimania Archive Vol. 2

The OG by itself shows that Cloud was in love with Tifa when you go through the Lifestream and rebuild his true self. This doesn’t mean he didn’t care about Aerith. Aerith was his friend and everybody else’s. He has a significant amount of guilt over Aerith’s death, which is shown and discussed in Advent Children. In Advent Children, he lives with Tifa. For the two year gap between FFVII and AC, he was happy. 

The guy’s adopted kid came down with an illness that is thought to be terminal, he started having guilt around Aerith and Zack’s deaths, and he himself contracted this terminal illness. His reason for leaving is so he doesn’t hurt Tifa and his family - he doesn’t want them to watch him die. In his mind, it’s less painful for them if he disappears and dies alone. 

Part of the dying process in reality is that the person will start to try and distance themselves from their family and friends. This is especially true for terminal illnesses like cancer. They did a pretty good job of showing realistically what people may go through when they know they’re dying of a terminal illness. The process actually starts about 3-6 months prior. 

Signs Indicating Death is Near

One to Three months Prior to Death •May withdraw from friends and family •Spends more time sleeping •Gradual decrease in eating and fluid intake

I’m not sure if you’ve ever had a terminally ill family member, but I’d say this site is accurate. I went through this with my dad. He was a Stage IV cancer patient for three years. There was a progressive change from about six months before his death to the day it happened. The list on the site above is accurate.

Tifa and Cloud are shown to have one of the more realistic relationships in the Final Fantasy series. She really does love and care for him. Even though he runs off, she waits. She’s hurt, but she believes in him, like she always has. Shit happens in relationships. People get in to fights, they get anxious and depressed over their shit in their own heads. Most of the time they’ve gotta figure out on their own how to overcome that, and their significant other is support for them. Tifa ALWAYS supports Cloud - she supports him in the Lifestream to allow him to fix his problem - she’s only there for guidance and support. 

In terms of it being ideal... Well, Cloud probably would have died at the Sector 7 train station if Tifa didn’t find him. Or turned in to a black cloaked fella. So, I’d say it’s ideal since Cloud gets to stay alive and all that. 

I also want to point out... Cloud isn’t just with Tifa because Aerith died. I hate that argument. Based on the game, the timing between when Aerith dies and the Lifestream, if she survived, would it really have been enough extra time for him to go after Aerith? At this point Cloud is starting to legit lose his mind. He’s already been controlled twice by Sephiroth. 

This just gets worse. The next destination after the Forgotten City is the Icicle area, so you do all the snow stuff. Then it’s right to the Northern Crater. Then Cloud does his thing and is gone. I really don’t think he was comparing Aerith and Tifa at this point to figure out which one was better. I think he was being drawn to Sephiroth and was only thinking about getting there. 

Question is, would Aerith be able to help him in his subconscious? No. I also don’t think Aerith would have interfered with Tifa in Mideel. Why? Because I think Aerith knew that Cloud had feelings for Tifa under his true persona. I think she knew Tifa had feelings for Cloud. I also don’t think she believes she could have helped him - she just didn’t know him that well. There’s also the above line... To Cloud, the only one who’s opinion mattered was Tifa’s. I think this was a roudabout way of him telling her she was really important to him. 

Sadly, I’m not sure if Cloud and Tifa would have survived falling in to the Lifestream, though, if Aerith was still alive. Something obviously kept Tifa safe from being killed by the high level of mako exposure. I do hope they explore this in the Remake, but my guess is Aerith helped keep Tifa alive. 

It just would have never worked... If Tifa died instead, Cloud would have died after giving the Black Materia to Sephiroth. The two almost have an invisible life line between them, that if one dies, the other is either guaranteed to die or in serious danger of dying. 

And no, I don’t think Aerith could have stopped Cloud from giving the Black Materia to Sephiroth at the Northern Crater. I think he would have been even worse than he was at the Temple of the Ancients. She was powerless against him there. 

So from a plot perspective, a character perspective, and a rational perspective, Cloud and Tifa’s relationship makes the most sense. Pretty much, you would have had a very high chance of ending up with a different protagonist by the end of it if Aerith survived. 

[writingideasblog]

CHAPTER IV CAMP EDEN

THIRD PERSONS P.O.V*

Monty and Olivia followed the two foxes into unkown territory. The teenagers were exhausted and shacken up. They walked into ,,Camp Eden" and looked around for someone to help them.

The camp was split by five sectors. The path leading to the place is decorated with colourful rocks. Along side the path are growing mysterious fruit bushes and flowers. The path lead to a big building that was definitely sticking out.

-"Wow..what is this place?" I turned to face my best friend. She didn't answer me but I could see that she was as amazed and confused as I was." Maybe we should knock on the door of this big building?"

-"I have a bad feeling about this place."

-"Mee too but we need shelter"

-"Yeah,you're right we should knock on the door but I'm still not sure about this place being safe."

We were about to knock but someone stopped us.

-"Who are you? What are you looking for here?" Said the unknown figure.

Olivia jumped in front of me with her arms spread in hopes of stopping him from hurting me and protected me from the person in front of us. She growled at him.

-"First of all if you dare to hurt him or me,I will make sure you will not make it out in one piece."

-"Oh gods calm down I'm not going to hurt you haha. My name is Adross; I'm a god of home. Are you looking for shelter?"

-"You're a who?" We asked at the same time.

-"A god of home. Follow me I will show you around the place and provide you with shelter."

Adross knocked on the door and walked in. He stopped in the doorway and looked at us and waved to show to follow him. We did. Olivia still was walking in front of me. She kind of impressed me, usually I was the protective one. We walked in the room,it was massive. The ceiling was decorated with paintings. There were thrones standing against a wall. All of them were differently shaped and they also were painted in different colours.  I noticed that the floor under thrones was  coloured differently as if there were four sections. In the blue section were standing 7 thrones,in the red there were 5 thrones,in the yellow were 6. The brown section was sticking out a little bit not only there were only 3 thrones as well as there was a path leading to the middle of the room,where a big throne was standing.

-"Welcome to the Eden! This is where all of us meet and talk."

-"Wait there's more of you?" I asked in confusion

-"Well...yes as you can see all of these thrones belong to us."

-"Oh yeah...you're right."

-"Monty could you be even more awkward?"

-"Oh shush Liv, this is a new situation for me as well as for you."

Another figure walked into the big room.

-"Adross,who are those kids?" The tall figure asked

-"Uhh..this is uhh.."

-"Monty."

-"Yes that's Monty and this isss..."

-"Olivia."

-"They are looking for a shelter."

The tall god sat down

-"Come closer, can you use swords?"

-"What no,why would we know how to use swords." I responded confused

-"I kinda know how to but i'm a horrible fighter."

-"Then how did you even survive?"

                                  *

After explaining who are we and from where did we come from,I asked a question that was sitting in my head since we found ourself in the forest.

-"Where exactly are we?"

-"Welcome to Nocleanos. We are on an island called Gandaraa. This island is split by four sections the same as this camp.

Right now we are in Vasera,this whole section is just a big forest and this is place is ruled by a blue section named after one of four powerfull gods.

Muemis is the hope. He is the god of the Afterlife.He made his kids from souls of dead mortals. He is the ruler of Vasera

Baella is the sun. The goddess of the Begginings. She rules the section called Ozes. Her kids were born through a supernova explosion.

Eias is the end. The god of endings. He is also my father. The ruler of Deos,where a powerful beast Behemoth lives. He made me and my siblings out of the worst nightmares. He is the creator of all the evil creatures.

Vuraura is the Underground. She is the goddess of Chaos. She is the most powerful goddess. Her kids were born by a single snap of her fingers. She rules Helluri.."

-"What...why is there so many sections? Also are you okay?"

-"Liv,behave please.What's your name again?"

-"My name is Vaius. I'm the god of the land."

-"Annnd how many siblings do you have?"

-"Three.Shujun,the god of funerals. Zuuna,the goddess of torture,Aselia,the goddess of revenge."

-"Should I give them a phone number to my therapist?" Olivia whispered into my ear almost making me laugh.

I looked in the direction where Adross was standing and hoped for him to understand that we want to leave this building as fast as possible. He happily unserstood.

-"Alrighty it's time for us to go now. You told them enough and probably metally scarred them for life dude."

We started walking away but Vaius obviously wasn't done talking.

-"Before you go,take this map with you."

-"Was this drawn and written by a toddler?"

-"Olivia please.."

-"Sorry. What is this language?"

-"It's Vammoe,you may walk away now."

-"Thank you,finally."Olivia whispered the last part.

We finally left the building I was still giggling about how rude my best friend was to the God of the land himself.  I asked Liv to show me the map. She was right,it did look like a toddler drew this.Adross showed us a little hut where we will spend the night. It was quite cosy, there was only problem,there was only one bed.

-"Dude no..."I cringed at his comment

-"Oh come on man,he's like a brother to me."

-"Ooppsie,okay see you guys tomorrow I guess."

He left the hut slamming the doors behind him. I heard Olivia sigh behind me. We shared a bed before but he made it so awkward that I decided to sleep on the floor instead.

-"What are you doing? Get up here,we shared a bed so many times before."

-"I know but I don't want him to think that we're a thing,you know?"

-"Yeah I know,I understand. Can I ask you something?"

-"Yeah sure,go ahead." I said while tucking myself into surprisingly comfy bed.

-"You have to promise me that you won't be mad at me."

-"I promise."

-"Soo I may or may not overheard your conversation with Jay yesterday. She called you Munchkin? Also were you crying?"

-"Oh boy here we go. Yes she did call me that and yes I was crying."

                                     *

I told Olivia about everything that happened yesterday. About the picture frame,about Jay and how I feel towards her. I expected Liv to make fun of me but instead she gave me hug and apologised again before drifting off to sleep.

The next day we were woken up by a knock on the door. We slowly got out of bed before the door opened revealing a young women standing on the other side. She told introduced herself to us.

-"Good morning! My name is Amhena."

-"Good morning. Let me guess you are also a goddess?"

-"Yes just like everyone here. I'm a goddess of youth.Anyways my brother Adross sent me here to wake up and lead you to our eating area." The young woman looked at us and added "Oh don't worry I will give you some time to get ready and them we will go."

-"Okay well give us five minutes."

She nodded and gently closed the door.

                                     *

-"How many gods are gonna be there?"I asked with a slight fear in my voice.

-"Oh don't worry only five. I suppose you already met Vaius and Adross. So you will meet Druris and Garrdes."

-"How many of you is in this camp?"

-"For now only five but there are forty of us."

-"Forty?!" I yelled out in fear.

-"Why is there only five of you here?"

Olivia put a hand on my shoulder in hopes of calming me down and asked Amhena.

-"The rest of us are currently visting their children on the Earth."

We sat down and introduced ourself to the gods we haven't met yet. Druris was a goddess of stars she had snow white hair. Her whole appearance really suited the fact that she was a goddess of the stars.We also met Garrdes who was a god of dreams.He had light blue and short hair,and white eyes which really freaked me out.

After we were done with our breakfast I decided to go back to our hut to take a quick shower. Olivia stayed with the Gods. Honestly I thought that she would also come back to our hut,but oh well at least I had some privacy.

*OLIVIA'S P.O.V*

-"Is there a chance for us to comeback to our normal world?"

I was hopeless that I would ever see my friends ever again. Obviously I didn't want to show Monty how afraid I really am. I just wanted to comeback home and worry about my future in my room. The fact that I may never get adopted scared me,the truth is people don't want to adopt teenagers,apparently we aren't trust worthy and we might steal something and run away. Even if I was about to get adopted I would fear that I will never see Monty ever again. God I hate being an orphan.

-"Uhhh...yes there is but It's very dangerous and no at the same time. You see everyone who crosses the border of the Camp is considered a member so every now and then you would have to comeback." Druris looked at me with worry hiding behind his eyes.

-"Wait what do you mean by that? We will have to comeback every few weeks,months or years? Also why is leaving this place dangerous?"

-"Well,first of all you would have to come here every time your necklace starts to shine. Second of all the only way of leaving Nocleanos is by drinking out of a pond in a cave in so called Forsaken Forest."

-"Wait...what necklace?"

I looked at the Gods sitting in front of me. All of them didn't look at me but at Adross. Oh boy now what.

-"Adross,buddy did you give them necklaces? You know that they can't enter the Camp again right?" Druris said with a slight hope in her voice "You know that right?"

-"Well you see..I didn't really have a chance to give them to our guests."

-"You gotta be kdding me. My brother is an idiot." Said Garrdes while massaging his temples "Here you go, one for you and the other one for your friend. Tell him what we told you."

I walked away and went towards our hut. After I told Monty about everything they told me he just looked at me,confused almost as if I told him about the fact that we share 50% of our D.N.A with bananas. Man I'm craving bananas now

*MONTY'S P.O.V*

-"Okay,so even though we are able to leave by drinking out of some sort of pond in cave,we will have to comeback here somehow everytime this thing starts to shine. Great." I carefully examined the necklace. It was some sort of rock on a string. I wonder if it actually shines since crystals and rocks usually reflect light and not create a light. Maybe it was the diamond Rihanna was singing about.

-"I mean if can't be that dangerous to leave right?" Olivia looked at me and I already knew I'm gonna piss her off.

-"Liv,you almost died because you fell down the stairs,and you have the audacity to say that going into another forest that everyone here calls "The Forsaken Forest" and finding a cave that surely has some sort of creepy name and drinking out of a goddamn pond can't be that dangerous?. Wow brave."

I made eye contact with my best friend and I knew she was gonna suffocate me with a pillow tonight. Oh well I probably deserve this. We decided to look around the camp. We talked about our friends and wondered if  they even noticed our absence.We needed to comeback home as quickly as possible

[chocojjk]

Heaven Knows

summary: im not even gonna try, yall know im bad at summaries 

words: 2.7k

a/n: this forreal took me 6 hours i think im burning out ,, also guess what?? its not edited 

you were chilling in your best friends dorm room without him being there, which is honestly just a normal thing

jisung was out with his friends which means he wouldn't be back for a while

apparently they needed to talk to him about something important

“an intervention, they said,” jisung says chuckling

“What would you need an intervention for??”

“I honestly have no clue”

which left you here, all alone, completely bored out of your mind

laying there in his bed scanning his room for something to do when something shiny on top of his desk caught your eye

with the amount of times you've been here before, you have never seen this object

and so your curiosity got the best of you

you walked over and saw that it was a CD, written on it were the words “for you” and a badly drawn heart, the messy handwriting clearly belonging to your best friend

you chuckle at this

you never knew jisung could be this cheesy

turning on his computer, his screensaver, which was a picture of the two of you, lit up the room

you see, you and jisung have been childhood best friends

your parents were best friends which just means that you guys saw each other all the time

but dont get me wrong, they never forced your guys’ friendhsip

the two of you just got along

growing up, you would always be by his side and him yours

you didnt trust anyone as much as you trusted jisung

inputting in the CD, his honey-like voice started filling the air

“hey, its jisung, haha, of course you know that since ive already given this to you”

you let out small chuckle, clearly enjoying how worked up your best friend sounded

you cant help but feel guilty for invading his personal space

but c’mon, it was you and jisung

personal space is a myth when it comes to the both of you

and so you continued to listen

“umm, ive been meaning to tell you this for a while but could never find the words to do so , so uh,, i-i made you a CD with all the songs that makes me think of you”

‘how cute’ you thought to yourself, ignoring the rising jealousy that you were feeling in the pit of your stomach

wait what??

pshh, youre not jealous

why would you be jealous??? he’s just your best friend

‘im just disappointed that he didnt trust me with this,’ you told yourself

yup, thats all, just clear and utter disappointment

jealousy? we dont know her

plus, you had a very loving boyfriend

“ok so this first song is just how i feel whenever we’re together, this is better together by jack johnson”

and as the song filled your ears, you can't help but imagine that this CD was for you

keyword: imagine

jisung has made it very clear that he only saw you as his best friend, heck, maybe even as his sister

you think back to the day where you joked around of a possibility of the two of you

“ji, what if one day you become my boyfriend”

“hahaha y/n, that’s a weird joke”

“why is that so weird??”

“uhm because were just best friends” he replies, stating the obvious

and ever since then you have pushed the thought of you guys as a couple in the back of your head

never allowing your feelings to surface for the boy

your thoughts were interrupted when you heard your best friends sweet voice again

“ok remember when your first boyfriend broke your heart? well this song pretty much sums up how i felt the whole time, and every other time you get in a relationship.”

“I could treat you so much better than them, you know?”

“why can't you see that??? haha,, anyways this is Better by Gabe Bondoc”

damn, whoever this girl was got jisung whipped as fuck

you started wondering who she was and how come jisung never told you about her before

was she part of your friend group? did you know her?

whoever she was, you hoped that she’d wake up soon and realize what a catch your best friend is and that she would have to be the dumbest person alive to not love him back

“okay uhm, were halfway in this playlist now. sometimes i feel like you feel this way too, but i don't know, maybe i'm just being delusional. this is Friends by Ed Sheeran”

okay so clue number 1, this girl is definitely good friends with jisung

what the fuck han jisung

who is she

“if they find out would it all go wrong and heaven knows no one wants it to,”

you dont know why or what happened, but when you heard that line of the song, you cant help but release all the bottled up feelings that youve been hiding

yes, you were in love with your best friend

yes, you got into relationships as a way to get over him

no, it never works

because every time you were left with a broken heart, he was there to piece it all back together

he was there wiping your tears, holding you, singing you cheesy love songs

he was there with his bad jokes that always brings a smile on your face, making you happy, making you whole again

jisung was always there, and you cant escape him

and now as you listen to a playlist not made for you, your heart begins to break

surely if this was for you, he would have given it to you a long time ago

just the mere thought of jisung caring for another girl besides you hurt your heart

you decided that it was time to stop

you scolded yourself for even listening to it in the first place

and so you took the CD out, and put it back where it belong

a couple minutes later, jisung enters his room, seeing your figure seated in front of his computer, your head rested on your hands as your shoulders shook slightly, a sign that you were crying

“hey, are you okay?” he says grabbing your hands, making you look straight into his eyes

“shh it’s okay, im here,” he continues, pulling you into a warm hug

and you can't help but be mad

why the fuck was he being so sweet to you when he’s in love with someone else

han jisung, this is not fair, not fair at all

and then you realized that you were doing the same exact thing

you pushed him away from you, which caused him to stumble back, hitting the desk behind him

“I-i have to go”

“y/n??”

running out of the room, jisung tried to chase after you however,,

“Woah woah woah why are you in such a hurry?”

chan and minho

“I-uh y/n just ran out and i-”

“y/n again?, jisung didnt we just talk about how you should see her less,” minho exclaims

“Yeah, this really isnt healthy for you jisung, you really should stop pining over this girl,” chan continued

“guys, shes my best friend!”

“Ok and she obviously doesnt wanna talk to you if she ran away, dont force yourself in places where you dont belong or youll just get hurt in the end,” the older guys continued

“I-”

“were just looking out for you jisung,” chan finishes

and so with his head drooped down, he made his way back into his room

and then he noticed it,,

the CD

‘fuck fuck fuck’

A million thoughts were racing through jisungs head

he was sure that you've heard it, why else would you react that way when you saw him

god, he should've never made that CD in the first place

was he that much of a coward that he couldnt just tell you he was in love with you in person

and now you know and obviously dont feel the same

‘Great going jisung, you just ruined your relationship with your best friend’

---

its been 3 days and there hasnt been any contact within the both of you

you ended up breaking up with your 4 month long boyfriend

“Its because of jisung huh?”

“i…,”

you racked your brain for a different excuse but then decided to come clean, this boy has always been so sweet to you, the least you could do is be honest with him

“how’d you know?”

“I see the way you look at him y/n, its like youre looking at millions of stars, i always hope you’d learn to look at me that way”

“are you mad?”

he gives you a sad smile, “no.. not at you, i always knew this would happen”

“im really sorry hyunjin”

“Its okay, i wish you and jisung all the happiness in the world”

“thank you,” you reply even though you knew that it wasnt going to happen since he liked someone else 

meanwhile, jisung has locked himself up in his room

he was ashamed of himself for making that playlist

his friends have been asking him to hang out yet all he can do is mope around listening to the stupid songs that he has added and cringing at how dumb his voice recordings sounded

he missed you so much but he was so scared to reach out to you

3 days might not seem like a long time, but with you and jisung, 3 days felt like a whole year

Im not saying that you guys are always glued together, no, thats not the case

But you guys would always text each other

Sending each other memes throughout the day

But now the both of you was just left with silence

It really allowed you both to think

he figured you hated him and never wanted to see him again

So he never expected you to knock on his door

“chan, go away, just leave me here to cry”

“errmm, its not chan”

,,,

,,,

jisungs eyes nearly popped out of his sockets as soon as he heard your voice

and in one quick second he was scrambling to open his door

“you were crying???”

“no”

“whats wrong?”

“nothing, im glad youre here”

“umm, why wouldn't i be?”

“I-i just thought that after the other day, you wouldnt-”

“about that” you say, quickly cutting him off

*gulps*

“can we talk?”

“arent we doing that right now?” jisung jokes but as soon as he saw the nervous expression on your face, he shut his mouth and let you in , closing the door behind him

‘oh god, shes gonna tell me that she never wants to see me ever again’

“im sorry-”

“I didnt mean it-”

“what?”

“what?”

the both of you having confused expressions written on your faces

“You first,” you say

Jisung nervously scratches the back of his head, refusing to meet your gaze

“the - the cd, i,, i didnt mean it” he says but the way he slightly bit his lip afterwards was a clear indication that he was lying

did he forget that he was your best friend? there was really no point in lying to you

however, you just chose to ride along with his little lie

“oh, well then i guess that makes what im about to say easier”

accepting the fact that you were about to break his heart, he nods at you, urging you to go on

“Jisung, im in love with you”

“its okay that you don't like me back, we can still be best friends -- wait...what?” jisung replies quickly, ending his prepared speech

You looked at him, stunned at his sudden confession

“You're in love with me?”

“You like me ??”

damn both of you guys are so dumb i sWEAr

“Well,,,, yeah,,,, didnt you listen to the CD? I literally say your name in it”

(⊙ˍ⊙)

(⊙＿⊙)

(@[]@!!)

“WHEN???”

“After the last song,” he says, like it was the most obvious thing on earth

“I-” you make yourself over to his desk, looking for the CD

as soon as you found it, you plopped it into his computer

“really y/n???? Youre gonna listen to it right in front of me as if i havent been embarrassed enough” he says with a pout

“jisung shuT UP”

you fast forward to the part where you left off of  

“this next song is called Wait for You,, im sure you know this song as we always sing to it toegether, but yeahh ill always be here waiting for the day to come when you finally notice me”

The song begins to play yet you fast forward even more in rapid search of your name

“and, well this brings us to the last song,, god, i really hope you dont hate me right now, if you haven’t guessed by now, im in love with you. I dont know when it started or how it happened, maybe ive been in love with you ever since we were three, i don't know okay. But yeah,,, i fell in love with my best friend, god this is so cliche, but y/n l/n i love you”

you were shocked,,,

but at the same time, you felt like you can finally breathe

he loves you back

Han Jisung fucking loves you back

god reader, if you just stayed and listened until the very end, maybe this au wont be so long my brain cells are disappearing writing this

jisung wasn't making an effort to say something, not even to joke around

he was just sitting on his bed behind you, waiting for you to do something,, anything

we all know by now that he aint going to be the one to make the first move

the last song playing was the only thing that could be heard in the room

until,, you finally turned to face him, wearing the biggest smile on your face

you tackled him unto the bed

“oof”

“you're so annoying,,” you say, hitting him

at this point he has his arms around you as you were sprawled out across his body

“I love you too,” you confess, looking straight in his eyes

jisung doesn't know where he got his newly found courage

But he wasnt complaining as he reached out to your face, finally connecting his lips upon yours

“Ive been wanting to do that for so long”

“Why didnt you?”

“Well, you had a- dklfjasfkasjf,,,,, wait,,,,,, you have a boyfriend???”

And now were back to frantic jisung

“dont worry ji, i broke up with him,” you say a small smile on your lips

“wait, you broke up with him???

are you dumb????

He has like the prettiest face???

And like the nicest lips??

And hes so tall and he can dance so well!!”

“Jisung, if i didnt know any better, i would think you have a crush on him”

“shut up, im just saying,, that man is pReTTY”

“yeah youre right, he has everything i want in a man, maybe i should call him again, tell him i was just kidding about the break up” jisung pouts at this

“uhm, im sorry but you have a boyfriend now so you cant do that”

“oh really?”

“yep”

“who is he ??”

“y/nnn,,” jisung whines

“what?”

“will you be my girlfriend???”

“as long as you make me more CD’s” you say teasingly

“oh shut up”

1 year later

you and jisung are still going as strong as ever, and it was great

it was like you guys were always meant to be together, your relationship being the perfect balance of best friends and lovers 

as you were cleaning out your bedroom, you spotted the CD, still looking as shiny as ever, in between a couple of your books, and you cant help but smile at the memory

you were so lost in your thoughts that you didnt notice your boyfriend enter your room

“babe whats that?”

“oh nothing, just a certain CD that this overly romantic boy made me,”

“oh god, youre never gonna let that go huh”

“I just didnt know you could be THIS cheesy, like you really were symping over me” you say

the CD became an inside joke between the two of you,,,

you would always tease jisung about how cliche it was

“I still cant believe you didnt listen until the end, like what kind of dumbass just starts a playlist and doesnt even listen to the whole thing”

“hey!, youre the one in love with me, so guess whos the bigger dumbass”

a/n: oops another one but the last song is called Best Friend by Jason Chen hehe

[redwoodrroad]

🖊 !!!

!!! oh man i really wanna talk about morten because for all i draw of him i dont talk about him enough. here’s a pretty recent screenshot of him in Skyrim, the game i made him in:

his full name is Morten Alexander Iversen, and i originally made him uuuhhhh over 6 years ago, i dont really remember but it was the first time i played skyrim–i actually named him after the lead singer of A ha, Morten Harket lmao, because i wanted him to fully encapsulate that like Nordic / Norwegian vibe (and also at the time i had an obsession with a ha and lbr it never went away); his last name is just a name i found, and his middle name is a reference to my own last name!

some general info: he’s got shoulder-length black hair that he does fishtail braids with, one on either side of his head that follow the curve of his head until he reaches the back of his ears, and then he lets it down; he also has light blue eyes, a Pretty full beard, and several scars on his nose (they might be hard to see in that picture but i draw them pretty prominently). he’s probably about 7 feet tall in-game, but in any modern retelling i do with him, he’s about 6′2″. he also has a deep voice but no, like, traditional nordic accent. if you can imagine like an east coast accent that isnt quite southern, isnt quite northern, it’s like…. somewhere in there. in the game, he tends to wear heavy armor, but he prefers using a bow for most situations and then switches to a sword with his right hand and ice / fire magic with his left hand. i dont wanna fill up my followers’ dashboards, so if you’re interested in reading about him, i put it all under the read more! :D

so in the game, he’s a nord as i said, but he doesn’t completely align with the nords–i have an ENTIRE sociological mock-up of the culture of nords in skyrim, and to sum it up, they’re very conservative, theyre close-minded, and they dont care for people (even among their OWN people) with mental illness / disabilities, people who arent so much power- / dominance-oriented, or, say it with me now: gays. on that list, morten falls under all three! hat trick!! so he kind of keeps away from his brethren in that regard; he’s also a very quiet person overall and prefers to not be in big crowds or even in big open spaces, he really likes his solitude. which is tough when youre the dragonborn and everyone knows it rip

speaking of being dragonborn, i imagine that his dragon is like…. an entire personality within himself. not that it has really any agency, but it’s a nagging sensation that draws him towards what dragons want: power, money, sex, food, naps, etc. morten’s dragon is very dominant and wants morten to go all out–it wants him to fight everything, garner lots of wealth, reach a worldwide level of notoriety, and like anything else you can imagine a greedy, power-mongering dragon might want. morten himself, however, does not want any of that; he just wants to chill. so you can imagine the duality there, huh. more physically, his dragon is like an ice-oriented dragon, so morten’s shouts (while mechanically can be whatever he wants because it’s all in the game mechanics) in my mind always have a little twist of ice. he prefers the ice-oriented shouts, and anything else not related to ice will still have little ice particles come out (even if they might be melted by fire-oriented shouts). likewise, morten’s use of magic with his hands are always ice- or cold-oriented

beyond the dragon, he has terrible memory problems, and ive worked the canon amnesia into something of like…. a trauma response? it’s way too much to go into and also has to do with some of my personal childhood experiences, so for now we’re just gonna let it be shielded by amnesia; likewise, that sort of brain-haziness also applies to present memory-storing, and morten really has trouble remembering names, dates, conversations, and even situations even as he is adventuring through Skyrim. this also applies to processing issues–he for sure has dyslexia, and not just in reading; he might hear a sentence but parse out the words in a different order–and over-stimulation, which is really why he hates being around other people or even talking to other people for a long period of time. he also suffers from depression, anxiety, and paranoia, and because of all these mental things, he really found himself becoming drawn to the Prince that oversees this general sphere of mental health: Sheogorath. during that quest where the dragonborn helps him and pelagius inside pelgius’s mind, morten was incredibly drawn to sheo and in my mind took time to sit with sheogorath at the end of the quest just to chat because sheo made him feel like…. that haze that covers his brain just lifted and let him think clearly without the stressors of the outside world affecting him. even the dragon soul stopped yelling at him in that moment because it too was soothed by sheogorath’s presence. so with that, morten grows closer to sheogorath, and in my canon, they chill out a lot in skyrim haha

i also want to say that morten grew really close with the greybeards–particularly Arngeir. Arngeir, being really the only one who Could talk to morten and who always had such helpful wisdom for him, really became something of a father figure to morten, and without needing to, morten returns a lot to the temple to just chill with arngeir, he just loves him so much.

finally, i also wanna talk about his relationships: he becomes the thane of Whiterun first and meets Lydia, and they become absolute bros. later down the line, he meets a guy (havent figured out who it is yet, might end up being an OC) who he falls for a little, and they have a thing for a long time–until this guy starts becoming really abrasive with morten and displays such a lacking in understanding of morten as someone with mental illness, so he leaves–and he’s replaced later by the beautiful and adorable Erik the Slayer, whom morten meets as the dragonborn normally does in Rorikstead, and after he gives erik’s father money for erik’s armor, and after a few months when he returns to find erik trying to become a hired mercenary, morten asks him to join him in adventuring. it takes some time, but there’s a mutual crush, there are late-night chats under the stars, drunken storytelling that involves coming-out stories and previous bad or silly relationships, and eventually a big gay kiss. and of course, a marriage in the temple of mara. i may or may not have had to hack the game with console commands to let morten marry him because he wasnt romance-able but we’re here now and they live together in the Lakeside Mansion just outside Falkreath. morten also meets Serana during the Dawnguard dlc and becomes bros with her too (and introduces her, the raging lesbian, to lydia, the rampant bisexual, and you know).

sheo is still a huge influence on morten’s life, and there are TONS of silly instances where both erik and sheo have to sit in a room together and just kind of accept the fact that on one hand morten is sleeping with an actual terrifying daedric prince and on the other hand morten is married to a boring mortal and not a fun daedric prince, can you guess which one of them holds which opinion

so right now, morten is happily married to the love of his life, he has some pals livin it up with him in the upstairs bedrooms and a prince who visits him occasionally, and his little farm is full of chickens and cows and horses and a library tower full of books and a full garden outside WITH BEES, and hes just living his best life !

thank you for asking!! i hope you enjoyed reading about my boy!! he’s my blog icon, and i love him so much. also feel free to check out my “morten tag” tag if you want to see like general vibes about him, aesthetic posts, meme shit that reminds me of him or might be something he would do or like, and art ive made that features him! and thank you again ;u;

[sisterbestill]

I write this on my iPhone, sitting next to my dad, who is currently getting his 4th Chemo Therapy Treatment of Carboplatin and Taxol. The drugs are chemical bombs and each week the accumulative damage grows. They pre-treat him with histamine blocking meds so he doesn’t have reactions, but he has reactions during the infusion, like he can’t breath. The nurses are well aware and calmly manage the reactions with more meds. These meds cause him to become very drowsy, so the remainder of the day becomes about keeping him from falling.

I still am trying to process all that has occurred since early August 2018. I look back on these pictures of our last outing at Lake Jocassee and never would have guessed how things would change just a week later. I’ve often wondered how cancer strikes people so quickly, now I know. I am writing this so I will never forget each minute that will forever live with me. I am also using this as a way to cope and understand something that is unfamiliar and terrifying.

My parents have always taken care of themselves and one another. They have been very lucky to have good health and I have been lucky to have them as energetic as they are in their eighties. When they moved up here from Florida, I was delighted I was going to finally be able to spend more time with them - like daily and weekly vs. just twice a year. They moved 15 minutes away or a lovely 60 min bike ride through rolling countryside and mountains. I was giddy and felt the universe shift a bit. I felt pulled to them. They are in fact two of the coolest, funniest, and open-minded people I know.

Shortly after this kayak trip (photos above) they decided to make a pact to live to 100 and created a “bucket list”. They were thankful for their health and never took it for granted. Perhaps the bucket list idea was a way to for them to celebrate how young they felt or perhaps they recognized they were chronologically getting up there.

Paddling on Jocassee was relaxing, calm, and beautiful; Certainly an experience they would have loved to have recreated again and I am hopeful they will. It may look different in the future, but I suspect the beauty and calmness of the lake will bath their brains in peace.

A week after snapping these pics, I got a call from my mom, she was on her way to the ER with my Dad. I was working one floor up and met them in the ER. While we waited, I learned my Dad had been feeling fatigued for several months and had developed shortness of breath over last few weeks. It wasn’t evident on the kayak trip that he was struggling, but it was obvious in the ER. My mom said they had been to their primary care several times and their primary care doc reassured him it was natural aging, as tests did not reveal anything to be concerned about.

As we sat for 6 hours in the waiting area, I was certain it was nothing serious. Afterall, my dad had no other health issues other than a little hypertension. His meds consisted of an 81 mg baby aspirin and amlodipine 2.5 mg each day - what a lucky guy. I was thinking maybe he had pleurisy or walking pneumonia.

We finally were shown to a room and labs were drawn. We were relieved to finally get things moving. By this time my sister, Lori, and I were getting silly from the fatigue of waiting. We were thoroughly entertained by a belligerent drunk guy on a stretcher in the halllway who seemed to draw all the attention of the medical staff while we well-behaved folks waited for answers.

I noticed my dad’s HR would easily jump to a sinus tach in the 130s with just a little bit of movement. Something didn’t seem right, but I was not going to speculate or think the worst. I was just his daughter, at his side, keeping the mood light.

We were informed by the physician assistant caring for us that his left diaphragm was elevated and was probably the cause of his shortness of breath. I was a little taken back as this was an unusual finding that left me with a knot in my stomach. Not too long after this finding he was whisked away for a CT of his chest.

He returned to the room and we waited for results. The PA came in with a sticky note and said she read off it: “You have a very large anterior mediastinal mass...No one here will operate because of your age...We are discharging you and you will need to see an oncologist.”

Our mouths dropped. My stomach bottomed-out as she said “mass” and my face flushed. We all just blankly looked at one another. Go home?

I spoke to a good nurse friend in recovery and she called the thoracic resident. I spoke to the PA who delivered the news and said, “We can’t go home. He is short of breath. He and my mom live alone. His Heart rate is bouncing up to 130s. He is weak. Please admit him and consult thoracic surgery.” My dad chimes in, “I’m not a throw away!” Meaning he doesn’t want to be dismissed because of his chronological age. He was far healthier than most half his age and this deserved a second look. The radiologist who read the report never actually saw my dad, but he did see a birthdate.

The next day, the interventional radiologist who read his CT and gave us the crappy news also did a needle biopsy of this baseball size mass.

We went home on a Wednesday after 2 days and waited. We were waiting for results and waiting for an appointment with a thoracic surgeon. Waiting is tough and if you are sick you will learn the meaning of patience.

We made it to Sunday when I thought something wasn’t right with my dad. He continued to have episodes of shortness of breath, but something was still off. I knew he had anxiety, but this was different. He said he felt fine and I almost left it at that. As a nurse you learn to listen to your 6th sense.

My parents live in a remote part of the county where everything is 30 min away. I left there house and an hour later returned with a pulse oximeter that I purchased from a CVS drug store. His oxygenation was 95% not bad for a guy now breathing 40 times a minute with 1.25 lung capacity. However, his pulse read 155 and I was baffled. No way?! I palpated his radial artery and it was a match. Off we went to the ER...

ER visit number II was faster as we went to a smaller satellite hospital 30 min from their home. The rhythm was too fast on the monitor to establish what it was so the ER MD attempted to chemically cardiovert him with adenosine. Adenosine is pushed quickly through an IV. It stops and restarts the heart. I can not lie, I was nervous. It’s so diffferent when this is your own family member. My mom tearfully excused herself and I stayed by his bedside. The ER doc informed my dad it would suck, and we proceeded. It sucked. He felt his heart stop and I watched his eyes bulge and panic come across his face for 3 of the longest seconds of my life. We were able to see he had an underlying atrial flutter. We were started on a verapamil drip and were transported to the main hospital for management by a cardiologist. His heart converted back to a normal rhythm on the verapamil drip before we left the ER in transport to Main hospital at 1 am. We were under the impression it was stress related to the new shitty diagnosis and having to wait on results.

The next day he had an echocardiogram to look at the structure and function of his heart. He was started on a Metoprolol a drug that blocks adrenaline and keeps heart rate lower and it was doing its’ job.

He spent 2 nights in hospital and outside of naps, lacked solid hours of good sleep. We finally got word that his ECHO results were good. No one said a word about metastatic disease to his pericardium. We were told he had a small ring of fluid within the pericardial sack, but it wasn’t a lot and certainly not something they felt needed draining. The atrial flutter responded well to the metoprolol and we were discharged home to once again wait for our thoracic surgery appointment.

We finally made it to the thoracic surgeon to learn of what was growing in my dad’s mediastinum. I was hoping for a thymoma, but instead we drew the really short stick with a highly aggressive, highly invasive cancer called: Squamos Cell Thymic Carcinoma.

WTF? Come on! Can we not catch a break here?

I had never heard of this type of cancer and neither have many in the medical field cause in addition to being aggressive and invasive, it is also a rare tumor. A rare tumor that hasn’t impacted enough lives that researchers devote a lot of time, money and effort into understanding it. Not only that, but sadly, most people die before any data can be collected. Once you get short of breath, dry cough and fatigue it is usually advanced.

PET Scan had some questionable lymph nodes light up, but no other disease was noted distal to the mediastinal cavity.

We hoped it could be removed. Excising the tumor was first choice in the management of this cancer and had the best outcomes, but to do this the surgeon would need to get clean margins. The thoracic surgeon wanted a cardiac MRI to examine if this tumor had invaded any of his great vessels. CT scans had only shown that the tumor was abutting the ascending aorta, but we needed to be certain cause the surgery involved opening his sternum with a saw and recovery would be 5-6 weeks. The surgeon emphasized that he didn’t want to operate and create trauma without being able to get the entire tumor. He didn’t want to delay care in a time-is-of-the-essence scenario.

It was 6pm on a Monday evening just days out from last hospitalization, when I returned to their house to check on him. Earlier that morning, my mom and I took his mini Pomeranian back to the vet and learned it was dying. The vet apologized and said it was time. We put my dad’s 18 y/o Pom, Ben, to sleep at 10:30. My mom held him and he passed. We were a mess. We told my dad and his response seemed flat. Distant.Something else was on his mind.

I stayed close and felt something was amiss, something was unfolding, progressing. I was thinking is he getting an infection? His temp was 100.2, slightly more SOB, and his pulse was 95-110 at rest, on a beta blocker. Nowhere near his norm and I could not ignore this or excuse it. My dad is precious to me. I looked at my mom and dad, apologized as I informed them we needed to go back to the ER. They were agreeable. I think he was relieved I recognized something was wrong.

Shortly after arrival at the satellite ER labs were drawn and ultrasound of his heart was done by ER doc. He said there appeared to be a large fluid collection around my dad’s heart. We were again admitted to ICU for a condition called Cardiac Tamponade. Early the next morning he had the fluid drained 600 ml from around his heart. The fluid build up which is inside the pericardial sac squeezes the heart. The heart can be stunned and go into failure. The fluid that was drawn off was sent for cytology. It was suspicious. It was likely metastatic disease.

In fact after annoying the cardiologist with repeated questions in the hallway, he motioned me over to his computer screen. He showed me the ECHO and pointed out the thickening of the pericardium and showed me a mass dangling from his ventricle. I didn’t need to wait for cytology. This was confirmation for me that we were very far into a disease process. My face flushed, my heart sank, and my stomach dropped as I comprehended the situation. I thanked the MD and my mom asked what he was showing me. I told her. I saw the color leave her face.

The thoracic surgeon was still hoping to remove the mass as the CT didn’t show it had invaded the great vessels, but he did want a Cardiac MRI which was on the back burner. We were still in ICU cause the Cardiac Tamponade and procedure to drain the fluid triggered a lot of Atrial Flutter and Atrial Fibrillation. We waited for the Cardiac MRI for 3 days. There is only one machine and his was repeated twice before they got quality images. The thoracic surgeon finally met with us and after consulting his partners, radiologist, and oncologist, it was decided surgery was just too risky and he wasn’t certain he could get clear margins. He stressed how he didn’t want to create more problems or delay my dad in getting treatment if there were complications. We very much appreciated the thoughtfulness of his answer. We really didn’t have a minute to spare. The surgeon decided to cut a window in my dad’s heart so the cancer did not build up more fluid and compress this vital organ again. The cancer cells would drain into his belly instead of filling the pericardial sack.

We were discharged home in a questionable state: weak. At first we were told he would stay until he was walking well, but the hospital was full and we were off-loaded unexpectedly. Home is a place with stairs. Stairs to to get in and stairs to get out and the most movement he had done in a week was walking 25 ft with a walker and that was exhausting for him. I was concerned about falls. How were me and my mom going to get 170 lb man up 5 steps safely? He was too weak. He hadn’t eaten, he had not slept in 10 days. We were behind the eight ball and chemo had not even started.

Chemo is rough. To survive chemo, one needs some level of fitness, meaning able to perform ADLs independently and move often. We were overwhelmed. The next week was labor intensive and emotionally draining. Here we were home and we were struggling. He still wasn’t eating, still not sleeping, and my radar was on constant alert. I spent my days observing and looking for subtle changes. Oh and there were changes that needed immediate attention as he flipped in and out of rapid atrial fibrillation and got urinary tract infection.

I was scared and my dad was terrified. In times when we were alone, he would ask me: “How did this happen?” He would shake his head as if disappointed in his body. Disbelief. He was unable to comprehend it and he too was terrified.

To be continued...

[jandjsalmon]

11 Questions Tag

I was tagged by the ever lovely @southsidesserpent  @theheavycrown and @bride-of-hobo (who stole like a million of my own answers so I stole a bunch of her questions. lol) - thank you, guys! <3

Post the Rules

Answer the questions given to you by the tagger

Write 11 questions of your own

Tag 11 people

First the questions from @southsidesserpent

1. Top 3 fic recommendations? (not top - just 3 I love)

La Petite Mort by @believe-that-you-can-my-friend

heaven help a fool who falls in love by @lessoleilscouchants

Bughead Bottle Fic #1: The Phone Call by MyMissus (oof1dficreally)

2. Are you more academic, athletic, or artistic?

I’ve always been more academic for sure.

3. Who is your favourite character on Riverdale?

Jughead Jones

4. Top 5 favourite songs?

Bizarre Love Triangle - Stabbing Westward Sleepwalk - Santo & Johnny Walkin’ After Midnight - Patsy Cline  Moonlight Serenade - Glenn Miller Orchestra  Starman - David Bowie 

5. Any allergies?

Only to Demerol.

6. If you were to meet two characters from Riverdale, who would you meet?

Characters? Kevin Keller and Betty Cooper

7. Opinions on Bughead?

Endgame. 

8. 3 of your favourite writers on Tumblr?

@ficmuse @itsindiansummer13 @shirlygallagher

9. fuck, marry, kill: Toni, Sweet Pea, Fangs.

F: Fangs M: Sweet Pea K: Toni

10. Name 5 things you like about yourself?

My laugh. That I’m passionate about stuff that I love. The way that I parent The sound of my own voice. (ha ha) That I care more about other people than I do for myself.

11. Anything you are excited for?

Hawaii in April for my husbandd’s birthday.

Now the questions from @theheavycrown 

1. If you were a character on Riverdale who was murdered crucial to the ‘conflict of the season,’ how would you have died?

Poisoned by Maple Syrup (it’s a frame-up to point towards the Blossoms... only plot twist - it WAS the Blossoms (because who would ever believe that a Blossom would actually use maple syrup))

2. We know Jug’s favourite toy, what do you think Betty’s favourite toy was growing up?

Caramel - her stuffed calico cat.

3. Name 5 things you think are in Jughead’s backpack.

His laptop. 

Whatever book he’s reading. 

His headphones.  

Photo of He and Jellybean at the drive-in

Phone charger. (I’m so boring - but this is what I can’t live without)

4. What is something that is accepted as normal in Riverdale universe, but stands out as absurd to you?

I’m stealing Chelsea’s answer here. The weather. 100%.

5. How do you think Jughead pays for all that Pop’s food?

I think Pop’s tells him it’s on his tab... but never keeps track of any of it.

6. If Veronica had a snapchat, what would her favourite filter be?

Flower Crown

7. What do you think Cheryl’s guilty pleasure food is?

Chocolate Cherry Milkshakes.

8. How do you think Vegas came to the Andrews household?

Fred brought him home to celebrate Archie’s first day of Kindergarten.

9. Bughead just had their first child, what do imagine they name it?

If it’s a girl - Juliet Elizabeth Jones.  If it’s a boy - Forsythe Pendleton Jones IV (but Penn for short)

10. First thought that pops into your head, headcanon of how Jellybean got her name?

Juggie saw her ultrasound picture and commented that she looked like a wee jellybean - and it stuck.

11. Bughead are getting married tomorrow. What do they dance to first at their wedding?

Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby - Cigarettes After Sex. 

and finally questions from the gorgeous @bride-of-hobo - thanks! <3

1. What are the core four’s college majors? Minors?

Archie: Music with an Education minor (but he’s there on a football scholarship) Veronica: Business with a minor in Philanthropic Management. Betty: Journalism with a minor in Communications Jughead: Creative Writing with a minor in Film Studies

2. Betty heads the Prom planning committee, because of course she does. And Toni joins, because she needs an extracurricular for her college applications. Three weeks later, they’re the only two people to sign up. So they have to choose the theme together. What do they go with?

Carpe Diem - and the decor is Roman columns and ancient ruins.

3. Veronica makes a Spotify playlist for Archie on their six month anniversary. What three songs are must-haves for her?

Florence + The Machine - Never Let Me Go 

Tom Odell  - Grow Old with Me 

Kodaline - High Hopes

4. Which character were you drawn to first when you watched your first episode of Riverdale? And why?

Betty Cooper. She was so inherently kind and helpful and a genuinely GOOD PERSON - and her heart is broken which I relate to and understand.

5. Name two platonic pairings - friendships, frenemies, enemies, characters who’ve never interacted but you want to see how they’d play off each other - that you think deserve more screen time.

They’ve interacted before - but minimally. Veronica and Jughead and their friendship/conflict deserve more screen time (with no lip action, obviously).

6. If it wasn’t spoiled for you before you watched Riverdale, who did you suspect killed Jason Blossom? 

Hal Cooper.

7. What is Jughead Jones’ senior yearbook quote?

To live is to suffer, to survive is to find some meaning in the suffering.  -Friedrich Nietzsche

8. Betty has something inscribed in Jughead’s wedding band before he slides it on his finger on their big day. What does it say?

Pari passu  which means ‘With equal step’ in Latin (according to @mothermaple - it’s properly pretentious for Juggie. lol)

9. If you could pick any song for the Pussycats to cover, what would it be?

Bizarre Love Triangle.

10. Seriously, Archie has to choose between music and football. What’s it gonna be?

Music. But only after football gets him into college.

11. The ultimate question: Did Betty and Jughead make it to the bedroom? Or was their first time on the couch? (And if it was… did they turn off the TV?)

Absolutely not. First time was on that couch with the weather in the background. Second time was in the shower. Third time was in the bedroom. 

MY QUESTIONS:

What is the one book Jughead always carries with him in his messenger bag?

If you were singing karaoke with the cast of Riverdale, which song would it be and who would you sing your duet with?

What is your favourite article of clothing?

Where did you go on your best first date?

What is your favourite quote?

Best Advice you ever got??

Where will Betty and Juggie go on their honeymoon?

Bughead just had their first child, what do imagine they name it?

Top 5 favourite songs?

fuck, marry, kill: Archie, Reggie, or Moose?

3 of your favourite writers on Tumblr?

I tag: @mothermaple @aunt-imogene @bugggghead @billyeatyourgrapes @heytherejones @beanie-betty @stillscape @riverdalelovee @paperlesscrown @stark @flannelfogarty

[tanzani-coil]

tagged bbys

Tagged by the wonderful @figment-fantasies​ <3

The Last: 1. Drink: coffee eyyy 2. Phone Call: my dad 3. Text message: my guy jakub bby 4. Song you listened to: sleepover by hayley kiyoko bc im trash 5. Time you cried: like. sometime last week when i was with quinn??? it might’ve been friday bc of a dumb outlander vs tumblr post i was just fuckin crying

Have You: 6. Dated someone twice: twice??? bitch i havent dated someone ONCE  7. Kissed someone and regretted it: haven’t had my first kiss yet!! <- same bby!!! 8. Been cheated on: No. they’d be dead if they did lmfao 9. Lost someone special: yah sucks bro 10. Been depressed: mate depressed is my entire personality 11: Gotten drunk and thrown up: nope not yet im hoping to get plastered w quinn one day List 3 Favorite Colors: 12. blue. like. baby blue or egg shell blue??? 13. black 14: white (my entire wardrobe is black n white monochromatic)

In the last year, have you… 15. Made new friends: @onelassieandherfandoms​ this asshole 16. Fallen out of love: nah like??? wasnt in love in the first place 17. Laughed until you cried: yES 18. Found out someone was talking about you: i mean. always 19. Met someone who changed you: i dont rly know??? i cant tell when i change 20. Found out who your friends are: eyyy yeah 21. Kissed someone on your FB list: gross

GENERAL: 22. How many Facebook friends do you know in real life: this is???? so specific????? i mean most of them i still have like. perhaps 10-20 online friends on there i havent met up with yet so 23. Do you have any pets: never had any </3 always wanted a cat and a doggo but. parents hates animals so i gotta wait till i move out 24. Do you want to change your name: yah, my birth name is like. rly feminine and long and pretentious n ive been going by my nickname for the last 6 years so much that my birth name isnt rly??? i dont rly associate it with myself 25. What did you do for your last birthday: went out for a meal with my fam. dont have enough friends to rly do anything else lmfao 26. What time did you wake up: i mean i woke up at about 9ish, went back to sleep, woke up at about 11 again, then was on and off sleeping until 12:30 when i got up 27. What were you doing at midnight last night: homework bc my teachers live off my pain 28. Name something you can’t wait for: seeing quinn again, new skuldug book, new season of outlander, 29. When was the last time you saw your Mom: today 30. What is one thing you wish you could change in your life: my insistence on self isolation lmfao 31. What are you listening to right now: my mom jenna marbles trying to get one (1) kill on pubg 32. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: yah 33. Something that is getting on your nerves: art block!!!! good fucking god i havent drawn anything in like. two months. and then after that i cant remember the last time i drew anything for me because i wanted to and not for homework smh 34. Most visited website: this hellsite 35. Mole/s: got loads of em on the side of my face, but thats the side of my face that my hair/fringe covers up so??? could be worse i guess 36. Mark/s: birth mark on my right shoulder which i love a bit too much, a round patch of darker skin on my deltoid(?) where i got shot with a paintball and it’s left a scar, a scar from a shaving cut on my kneecap, and like. the unfairly over-abundance of stretchmarks on my EVERYWHERE 37. Childhood dream: I wanted to be a horse 38. Hair color: dirty blonde and blonde 39. Long or short hair: longish??? covers my nips at this point 40. Do you have a crush on someone?: uh 41. What do you like about yourself: uh?????? 42. Piercings: none, they freak me out??? but if i were to get any, it’d have to be a helix(?) piercing. i’d fancy like. a thick ring piercing if that makes sense 43. Blood type: do i look as if i know 44: Nicknames: george, but thats only if ur close to me 45. Relationship status: single and lonely as fuck lmfao but thats probably best, im just not built for relationships 46. Zodiac: sagittarius 47. Pronouns: she/her 48. Favorite TV show(s): person of interest, orphan black, outlander, the 100, brooklyn nine nine, orange is the new black, rupauls drag race, 49. Tattoos: none yet, but i rly fancy “be brave” in EXACTLY the same font as the skulduggery books, on the inside of my right wrist 50. Right or left hand: right 51. Surgery: um>?? i mean not rly??  52. Hair dyed a different color: i haven’t yet, but i want like. a lighter blonde ombre??? bc my hair is lame as fuck and i want to do SOMETHING with it 53. Sports: omf no 54. Vacation: i went to majorca a couple of weeks back just as the heat wave fuckin hit (rip me) 55. Shoes: tesco converses or black boots 56. Eating: biscuis 57. Drinking: coffee, with water inbetween bc im thirsty as fuck 58. I’m about to: do :))))) homework :)))))) 59. Waiting for: school to start up again. if i have to do homework i wanna do it actually AT school bc i cant focus for shit at home, but i can get so much done with the school facilities so 60. Want: to see quinn again i miss her dumb face 61. Get married: i want to tbh but. not built for that sort of thing 62. Career: ahahahaha jesus fuck i have no fucking clue lets not go into this

WHICH IS BETTER: 63. Hugs or kisses: HUGS. I FUCKIN LIVE FOR HUGS 64. Lips or eyes: eyes 65. Shorter or taller: i mean???? depends on the person but typically taller 66. Older or younger: older 67. Nice arms or nice stomach: i????? 68. Sensitive or loud: man idk. both 69. Hook up or relationship: relationship bc im a sap 70. Troublemaker or hesitant: hesitant bc i have a crippling fear of authority

HAVE YOU EVER: 71. Kissed a stranger: nope 72. Drank hard liquor: nope 73. Lost glasses/contact lenses: nope 74. Turned someone down: nope. i’d be so lucky lmfao 75. Sex on first date: bitch i’ve never been on a date let alone 76. Broken someone’s heart: nope 77. Had your heart broken: ahahahahahahahahahahaha 78. Been arrested: nope 79. Cried when someone died: yep 80. Fallen for a friend: ahaha  hahahah  hahahahahahahahahahaha

DO YOU BELIEVE IN: 81. Yourself: well someone fuckin has to 82. Miracles: i mean??? i’d believe it if i saw it 83. Love at first sight: i believe that you can have an instant connection or chemistry with someone which would then lead to love, but like. love at first sight has only rly ever applied to pretty emaciated people so 84. Santa Claus: nope 85. Kiss on the first date: i mean?? nah

OTHER: 86. Current best friend: i have like. three friends?? all of which i’d consider my best friend i think 87. Eye color: blue but with like. yellow on the inside??? which. having googled is apparently called central heterochromia  88. Favorite movie: oooo. probably spirit stallion of the cimarron 

i mean. all the people i would’ve tagged I think @figment-fantasies tagged anyway so like. have fun folks

[justaboywithaonemanshow]

92 Truths

Thanks @edsmysterygirl for the tag! <3

Tagging @ownerandwriterofedsnnnnggghhhh​ @drinking-sangrias​ @karesera @edsavedmylife

THE LAST…

1) Drink: Water 2) Phone call: My mom 3) Text message: We don’t use text messages here, but yesterday my mom sent my one. 4) Song you listened to: Hearts don’t break around here 5) Time you cried: Can’t remember the exact day but it was last week, I saw a ring my ex boyfriend gave me and well...tsunami tides in my eyes as Ed says

HAVE YOU EVER…

6) Dated someone twice: No, I’ve only been with one person trough out my whole life 7) Been cheated on: He said he didn’t cheat but I’m almost positive he did. 8) Kissed someone and regretted it: Yeah, a guy at a party. 9) Lost someone special: My grandpa, who died in 2012. And my ex who voluntary walked out of my life. 10) Been depressed: Yes. Last year and the beginning of 2017 11) Gotten drunk and thrown up: No, I don’t usually drink but when I do I do it moderately.

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS…

12) Pink 13) Mint 14) Red

IN THE LAST YEAR HAVE YOU…

15) Made new friends: Yep yep IRL and here 16) Fallen out of love: Not yet but I hope so. 17) Laughed until you cried: No 18) Found out someone was talking about you: hmm not that I recall 19) Met someone who changed you: Not technically, but as MG said Ed changed me even though I haven’t met him. 20) Found out who your true friends are: Hell yeah, I don’t have one true friend I think, but I don’t open up easily so it might be my fault. 21) Kissed someone on your Facebook list: Nope, my ex deleted me from FB so...

OTHER…

22) How many of your Facebook friends do you know in real life?: 80%  23) Do you have any pets?: Two beautiful wrinkly doggies, even though I’m convinced the little on is indeed a tasmanian devil, as in attitude not looks hahaha 24) Do you want to change your name?: I would like to get rid of one of them, not because I don’t like it but because my last name is already goddamn long to have two names. I’d also like my last name to be shorter 25) What did you do for your last birthday?: A waffle party with my friends! YUM! 26) What time do you wake up?: Around 7:30am, I changed my work schedule because I was fed up with waking up a 6:30am hahahaha I’ve been doing that since I was 12 27) What were you doing at midnight last night?: Trying to fall sleep 28) Name something you cannot wait for: See Ed live again 29) When was the last time you saw your mother?: This morning, we had breakfast together 30) What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?: I’d love to live somewhere else, preferably a different country. But I’d love to not live in this city any longer, everything reminds me of my ex but I’m too scare to go away :( 31) What are you listening to right now?: Sorry - Justin Bieber (I’m listening to a party playlist at work - Girls’ Night hahahaha) 32) Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: Nope, no Toms here 33) Something that is getting on your nerves: Feeling like I’ve achieved nothing yet and that I’m not good at my job 34) Most visited website?: Facebook and tumblr. 35) Elementary: Changed schools so a bit unpleasant but made friends easily. 36) High School: Nice, I met all my friends there and we’re still tight. 37) University: Hell. Met my ex there which was nice, he was the only good thing about it, but my professors were really really mean, suffered a lot there. I think that’s why I finished it in 4 years hahaha then I did a post graduate course at a different uni with different professors and it was great! and my masters was in an online uni so it was good too. 38) Hair color: Almost black, a really intense dark brown. Though I now have ombre hair with some goldenish highlights. I looooove it. When I was younger I used to say I’d never dyed my hair (I was super proud of my black hair) but once I tried ombre there was no turning back hahaha 39) Long or short hair?: Short, right below my shoulders. 40) Do you have a crush on someone?: A ginger dude, Edward Christopher Sheeran, you may know him, he’s a singer or something like that. I used to have a major crush on a coworker for the past two years but we drifted away since we are not working together anymore unfortunately 41) What do you like about yourself?: hmmm looks wise? my eyes. Personality wise? that if I set a goal I will most likely achieve it, though I’d love to be more focus and hardworking, I’m waaaaaay too lazy. 42) Piercings?: My ears. 43) Blood type?: 0+ 44) Nickname?: Short versions of my name. My mom has hundreds of nicknames for me, all way too embarrassing to list here 45) Relationship status?: Single as a pringle, after 8 years of being in a relationship so I’m still getting used to it 46) Zodiac sign?: Libra 47) Pronouns: She/her. 48) Favorite TV show: hmmm I really like New Girl. I’m currently watching OITNB. Loved Stranger Things too. 49) Tattoos: None. But I’d love to get my first ones soon, a lighting bolt for Harry Potter and my comparsa (I really don’t know the word in english for it, but where I live we have carnival just like Rio de Janeiro, and we have “teams” that compite each year, well my team symbol is a lighting bolt) and Bibia be ye ye because that line came at the right time in my life so SHOUT OUT TO ANY SHEERIOS MEETING ED could you please please please ask him to write it down on a piece of paper so I can get it done in his handwritting? 50) Right or left hand?: Right hand.

FIRST…

51) Surgery: I’ve never had a surgery thank god. I’m super scared of needles (that’s why I don’t have tattoos) I think it’s a phobia, if I ever had to have a surgery it will be a disaster. Getting my blood drawn is the worse for me, I try to avoid it at all costs. Imagine if I had to get a IV? I’d die of fear. 52) Piercing: Again, needles involved so NOPE. Oh! I have my years pierced but it wasn’t my decision but my mum’s, I was a newborn, like weeks old. I don’t mind it though, I love to wear earrings, and if she didn’t do it I wouldn’t have the courage to do it. 53) Sport: Swimming, my grandma always insisted it was a must learn thing so she took us to take lessons from a pretty young age, I live in a river side city so it’s a life saving thing too. I have always loved it and was pretty good but I’m way too lazy. 54) Vacation: I went to Brazil with my family, I think we went to Torres. Brazil is amazing, beautiful place, great food and lovely people, they have this energy that is so contagious, I’m not a big fan of the beach but I’d love to go back there some time. 55) Pair of trainers: I was way too young to remember. WHY IS 56 MISSING <--- I didn’t notice this but MG did, great observation skills girl! 57) Eating: Today? Medialunas calentitas! Yum!  (a fresh out of the oven croissant but in an argentinean way, actually uruguayan? because the cafe where I ate them is from uruguay, and they are well known for their specials croissants)  58) Drinking: Orange Juice. 59) I’m about to: Get some worked done, because I should be working hahaha 60) Listening to: Be my Husband  61) Waiting for: something exciting to happen in my boring as hell life 62) Want: Quit my job and go travelling 63) Get married: I didn’t get married. I’m still not sure if I ever want to 64) Career: Graphic Design / I’m a web designer wannabe with a long way to go and so much to learn, but hey! I can build websites! hahaha

YOUR TYPE…

65) Hugs or kisses?: hmmm kisses maybe? 66) Lips or eyes?: Eyes. And if they are blue, oh god. 67) Shorter or taller?: Taller! I’m 5′1 so it’s not that hard hahaha but in argentina guys are not very tall. My ex was 6′ and people always mentioned he was huge. 68) Older or younger?: My age. A year younger or between 2 to 3 years older. My ex was 6 months younger than me and  I’d love to date a certain guy who is 4 months younger than me. 69) Nice arms or nice stomach?: Arms all the way. And a nice back too, I love backs (?) 70) Sensitive or loud?: Loud. 71) Hook up or relationship?: Relationship. I never had a hook up but I guess I prefer relationships. 72) Troublemaker or hesitant?: hmmm troublemaker? Can’t stand hesitant guys who just take too long to do something, I like driven people! 

HAVE YOU EVER…

74) Kissed a stranger?: Yeah.  75) Drank hard liquor?: Vodka is a hard liquor? If it is, yes. I love vodka with orange or lemon juice, don’t judge me. 76) Lost glasses, contact/lenses?: Miraculously, nope 77) Turned someone down?: Yep. 78) Sex on first date?: Nope.  79) Broken someone’s heart?: Hmm not sure, maybe but not intentionally. 80) Had your heart broken?: Hell yeah. I’m still dealing with it. 81) Been arrested?: Nope. 82) Cried when someone died?: Yes. 83) Fallen for a friend?: My coworker was some sort of friend, so yeah.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN…

84) Yourself?: Nope. 85) Miracles?: No. 86) Love at first sight?: No. 87) Santa Claus?: Not anymore. When we were little my parents told me it was baby jesus who brought the presents (I was raised catholic even though my father was agnostic) and Santa Claus (or Papá Noel as we called him) was just helping him because well, Jesus was a newborn hahaha but we were told we should thank baby jesus. 88) Kiss on the first date?: Didn’t have much dates, but on my first date with my ex we kissed so...wait is this thing asking if I believe in kissing on the first date? Well it depends on who the date is. 89) Angels?: No.

EVEN MORE…

90) Current best friend’s name: I don’t have one, I’m don’t open up easily. 91) Eye color: Brown. 92) Favorite movie: I don’t have a favorite one, but from the last ones I’ve seen Wonder Woman kicked all the other movies asses 

[krykir-blog]

My Experience With Transitioning

fuck me im just copying and pasting what I’ve done up until now

Info already so right now i think im nonbinary but i think i might be completely trans idk (edit later in time: i can say for sure I am completely trans, not just nonbinary.), ive felt this way for a while and my bud sen helped me figure it all out bc i was hella confused and i felt very masculine. A year and a few months ago I cut my hair super short and realized that this was how I've always wanted it because oh my god if i ever grew long hair again id want to die, i hate it and i hated how I looked. So that was that and i was like that for a while and I think sometime during the summer of 2015 i figured out what I wanted to be called (ryan). I started out w/ having people on the internet call me that and it was awesome, but kinda weird having people in real life call me by my birth name and it was really odd. Then October came and my stepcousin was getting married- during that wedding was when i told my dad and stepmum i wanted to be called ryan so I consider that to be the time when I actually started transitioning. It took a painfully long time to get my mother on board to be honest, her boyfriend (who is now her ex) was actually down with it right away but of course he didn't call me or my brother that because it would've been awkward, but we had some late night talks about it frequently. When they broke up it was kinda iffy but I think it was soon after that happened that she started calling me and my brother by our preferred names. At a party my parents went to one night they told all their friends about me and my brother and we've been enrolled in a study, which is 6 MRI's total. I've already had 3 MRI's and let me tell you, they suck, but I think later next year I'm gonna have to get my next round- just basically contribution to help trans people or anyone taking hormones to transition. This year I got into high school and I'm going to a place that's pretty far away from where my last school was, so no one there knows me or that I'm female- I'm completely authentic and I think that's pretty cool, it's what I wanted. So far I think that's all you need to know lmao if I have more info to put down i probably will. Thank you guys for the support, i love you <3 8/29/16 First injection of testosterone. No changes yet ofc, but I found that I was hardly hurt by the needle so now I'm a lot more excited lmao. (Dose amount is currently 0.1 ML) 9/5/16 Second injection. Of course, no changes yet, so there's not much to say except this was my first time doing it at home. stepmum did it tbh, it still surprises me at how much it doesnt hurt lmao 9/12/16 Third injection bois. No really noticeable changes yet however i think i have a bit more hair growth from where the bellybutton is down to the nether areas which is still something and I'll take it xD I'm starting to think I prefer shots in the arm tho. Surprisingly they don't hurt as much as far as I can tell?? it's pretty neat lmao 9/19/16 Still no noticeable changes. I can now say for sure that shots hurt less in the arm than the leg, surprisingly enough at least for me lmao one month b o i s 9/26/16 (sorry for being super late with updating this one) still no noticeable changes yet, dosage is still small as all hell >> 10/3/16 No noticeable changes that I can identify, but I have a friend who told me that my voice is deeper. regardless of that, it's not at all by much at least to me and there's still nothing super noticeable and it's rather irritating. 10/7/16 Not a shot, but my first MRI after getting the three baseline scans before I got testosterone. I got my blood drawn more than I ever have and it got to the point where my vision became brightly dotted and my ears started ringing like mad, it was awful, i thought i was gonna pass out. But the MRI itself was actually a lot better than my last three scans, theyve made so many improvements to make it less anxiety inducing. 4/6 MRIs done, 1/3 blood draws done. 10/10/16 SEVENTH SHOT OF T I'VE BEEN OVER THE MOON TODAY THO 'CAUSE I'M GETTING MY DANK ASS FRIEND A BINDER AS fOR the actual T, I haven't noticed any super big changes but my friends are like "yeah jesus christ ur voice is deeper" so I GUESS THATS THAT I also started recording my voice after the sixth shot so ill keep up w/ that too as much as I can 10/17/16 Still no noticeable changes to me, however we got new needles and the measurements are different and it's weird but ye nothing super exciting to say I guess hhh sorry for being so slow at updating this rip 10/24/16 This time the needle really hurt and idk why but oh well. Still no noticeable changes besides more hair growth on my legs and the happy trail area. I compared my voice now to my 6th shot and there's no distinct difference >> i really wish my dosage was higherrrr Also for some reason I keep having dreams of me with longer hair?? it's really not okay :'D I don't recognize pictures of myself with long hair anymore tho so I guess that's something. 10/31/16 -ok so i dont remember getting a shot this day but w/e, im late to updating it- still no noticeable changes 11/7/16 SO I GAVE MYSELF A SHOT FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT WAS AWFUL 1- I PRICKED MY FINGER AND IT STARTED BLEEDING A LOT AND IT STILL HURTS 2- WHEN I ACTUALLY PUT IT IN MY ARM I DIDNT PUT IT IN DEEP ENOUGH SO IT ALL STARTED COMING OUT AND I WAS BLEEDING A LOT IM SICK FROM SCHOOL TODAY AND I HAD DETERMINATION TO DO IT BUT I DIDNT DO WELL 11/14/16 soRRY FOR BEING AWFUL AT UPDATING i had a really shitty monday this most recent monday but its ok my friend brought their trans bf over and watched me and my borther put in our shots and it was chill no noticeable changes to report i dont think 11/21/16 Nothing special to report, the needle kinda stung tho oddly 11/28/16 AAAND MY DOSAGE IS NOW 0.2 BOIS I GO BACK IN 3 MONTHS AND ITLL PROBS BE UPPED TO 0.3 BUT IM EXCITED I loved the nurse who drew my blood lmao she was really cool, i love the people who work in that office so much. They're all so nice ;v; I have a bit more acne and my doctor said my voice sounded a bit deeper, so I guess I'll take it. Things should hopefully speed up at 0.2. 12/5/16 Second shot on 0.2! It didn't hurt as bad as the last one which is good~ I've been noticing more acne on my face nd shoulders which is also hella //well in progress terms it is 12/12/16 YOU GUYS MY VOICE IS GETTING MORE RASPY AND I CAN CRACK IT ALL OVER THE PLACE EASIER THAN I COULD BEFORE ITS NOT SUPER NOTICEABLE YET BUT IM GETTING THERE IM EXCITE SORRY FOR BEING SHITTY AT UPDATING THIS ITS OK 12/19/16 BREATHES NOTHING SUPER NOTEWORTHY BUt my voice iS noticeably going down- not a ton buT AGAIN ITS GETTING THERE ;V; My arm really hurts tho for the first time after and idk why 'cause the shot iddnt hurt at all 12/25/16 Not a shot but just a lil random update ;;v; MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ERRYONE BY THE WAY, I HOPE YOU ALL HAd a great day! sO onto the stuff Today I got an assload of money and I'm deciding to spend a lot of it on a packer and a packing harness. I already bought the harness but I'm gonna have my dad order the packer since there's no good ones on amazon hhhh buT YE IM PUMPED ILL HAVE A BULGE 12/30/16 HOLY SHIT YOU GUYS MY VOICE IS GETTING REALLY NOTICEABLY DEEP IM LITERALLY SCREAMING [link] 1/5/17 I GOT MY PACKER MOTHERFUCKERS ITS HUGE AND ITS GREAT AND IVE GOT A DICK NOW 1/9/17 This is the day I officially became male. This is the day I officially became Ryan. I never have to write my birth name ever again. I am so fucking happy. The judge was super super nice and I was anxious as fuck but it ended up super well. Voice is still getting deeper and im getting hairier in some places, it's great~

[preciousmetals0]

Aurora-Coke Rumors: All Smoke and No Toke

Aurora-Coke Rumors: All Smoke and No Toke:

Share a Coke With Aurora Cannabis?

Are you well rested from the holiday break?

I hope so, because I have a doozy of a conspiracy theory in the cannabis sector for you today. It involves the most widely held stock on Robinhood and the world’s largest soft drink maker.

Before we get to the speculation, let’s start with the facts.

On Monday, Aurora Cannabis Inc. (NYSE: ACB) announced that Chief Commercial Officer (CCO) Cam Battley was leaving the company. Battley was considered the face of Aurora, so his leaving hit investor sentiment hard.

What’s more, analysts at Jefferies downgraded Aurora to hold from buy on the news. “It is clear to us that the market is lacking conviction in Aurora, and this update will do little to help that,” the ratings firm said in a note to clients.

ACB plunged 8% on Monday as a result.

Now for the speculation. A gentleman by the name of “Gabor the Blind Guy” posted a video to YouTube earlier this week where he tries to open a new childproof lid his father designed for Coca-Cola Co. (NYSE: KO). According to Gabor, this childproof lid is for a new cannabidiol (CBD) drink that Coke is releasing in Canada.

Coke childproof lids? Coke CBD drinks?

There’s nothing in the news about any of this … save for one article over at TheCannabisStock.com.

Anyone else remember the last company Coke was talking with to produce CBD drinks?

That’s right: Aurora Cannabis.

The Takeaway: 

Don’t go looking on YouTube for the video — it’s gone.

In fact, Gabor’s entire YouTube account is gone. So are his Facebook and Twitter accounts. I’m thinking someone accidentally broke a nondisclosure agreement here. Oops.

But this is the digital information age. Nothing is ever truly gone. In fact, you can find a mirror of the video here (while it lasts).

Now, I don’t need to tell you that Aurora could really use a boost … and a deal with Coke would be a major coup for the cannabis company. Aurora just rolled out its Cannabis 2.0 products in Canada, including a long list of edibles, vapes and drinks. A Coke-backed Cannabis 2.0 drink could send ACB to the moon.

What’s more, what if CCO Battley only moved out of Aurora (and into an Aurora subsidiary) to make way for a Coke representative ahead of a CBD drink deal?

The possibilities are tantalizing, aren’t they?

For an expert’s take on the situation, I reached out to Banyan Hill’s resident pot stocks guru, Anthony Planas. Here’s what he had to say:

I saw it on Reddit. I think it’s BS.

Clearly not the take we anticipated, but it’s a stark reminder that any potential tie-up between Aurora and Coke is purely speculation at this point.

Thank you, Anthony, for bringing us all back to earth on this one.

As it turns out, Anthony was right. Just before Great Stuff hit the presses, Coke issued a statement: “As we have stated many times, we have no plans to enter the CBD market.” Bummer.

Remember, the cannabis sector is quite volatile right at the moment. You need an expert to help guide you through the rumors and speculation. To that end, Anthony and Real Wealth Strategist editor Matt Badiali have come up with five pot stocks you “must own” right now … before more states legalize.

Click here to find out more!

Good: Tesla Smokes $420

It was bound to happen … and when it did, CEO Elon Musk was just itching to make a joke.

On Monday, Tesla Inc. (Nasdaq: TSLA) hit $420 per share. The milestone prompted Musk to tweet out: “Whoa … the stock is so high lol.”

All jokes aside, Tesla is smoking right now. The shares are up a whopping 1,600% since their initial public offering, with optimism over the new Chinese Gigafactory driving bullish sentiment right through that burning Walmart roof.

Analysts are even jumping on board, albeit reluctantly. Today, Wedbush analyst Dan Ives lifted his price target on TSLA to $370 from $270, citing strong demand for the Model 3. While Ives gave a nod to “massive short covering” for Tesla’s recent resurgence, he also pointed out “underlying fundamental improvement” at the company. After all, Tesla turned a surprise profit last quarter.

But the short squeeze story can’t be ignored. Tesla shorts have … well … lost their shorts by betting against the company. And there’s more to come. ShortSqueeze.com reports that 27.5 million TSLA shares remain sold short after a 4% decline in the latest reporting period.

Those remaining 27.5 million shares still account for about 20.5% of Tesla’s total float (or shares available for public trading). With TSLA still climbing, how much longer can these remaining bears hold out before they’re forced to buy as well?

Better: Riveting Competition 

When Tesla unveiled its new Cybertruck, the internet had a field day making fun of the “truck’s” odd design features. Not since the Pontiac Aztek have we seen a vehicle so, well … ugly.

With so few true competitors, it looked like energy-conscious truck enthusiasts (yes, they do exist) were stuck driving a truck designed by a six-year-old. That is, until Rivian secured a massive amount of funding.

Rivian is an electric vehicle startup that’s drawn considerable interest from backers as of late, especially after Tesla’s Cybertruck made its debut. Rivian’s trucks and SUVs look more like traditional vehicles than anything Tesla makes, providing a level of confidence to key backers.

So much so that the company announced it raked in $1.3 billion in funding in its latest investment drive — its largest to date. Big names are lining up behind Rivian, including Ford Motor Co. (NYSE: F) and Amazon.com Inc. (Nasdaq: AMZN).

Rivian is expected to start delivering trucks and SUVs next year. Are we witnessing the emergence of a true competitor in the electric vehicle market?

Best: Breaking Records

I honestly don’t know why more people don’t shop online during the holiday season … or at any point during the year, for that matter. It’s like y’all didn’t get the memo: You don’t have to fight hordes of people to buy things anymore.

This year, online shopping saw more converts than ever. According to data from Mastercard, e-commerce sales surged to a record high, rising 18.8% from 2018 to account for 14.6% of total retail sales in the U.S.

Naturally, the big winner here is Amazon. The e-commerce giant said this past holiday shopping season was “record-breaking.” The company reported 5 million new Prime subscriptions (free trial and paid). What’s more, traffic at Amazon pickup points was up 60% year over year.

Here’s the surprising thing: Amazon stock is actually down more than 6% in the past six months. The shares lag the S&P 500 Index by about 8% for the past 12 months.

So, what gives? Amazon’s spending spree, that’s what. After the company posted its first profit drop in two years back in October, investors have been reluctant to push AMZN higher.

That’s a mistake. Amazon has proven time and time again that it knows how to invest in itself. This latest spending round was on one-day shipping and content for Prime TV. These investments will pay for themselves. We’ll see proof of that in Amazon’s holiday quarter earnings report.

Before I sign off and try to steal another Hawaiian roll — the King’s Hawaiian ones are OK, but homemade rolls help me feast like an emperor — it’s time for a helping of Reader Feedback.

But Great Stuff, you didn’t even ask us for any feedback this week!

No, but “readers gonna read” … and write in.

And I’m grateful for all the feedback and comments you send in.

This week, y’all got personal with the questions. The holidays bring out all kinds of folks. (Especially out on the roads by me … jeez, how many of you really went last-minute with the shopping?)

So, I thought it’d be a wholesome, festive Kodak moment to respond to some of your questions about the great stuff behind Great Stuff.

Brian E. asked:

When and why did you get into trading? I’m trying to convince my son to turn off Counter-Strike and start investing. Any advice?

Well, Brian, at least it’s Counter-Strike and not Fortnite. I don’t have the … umm … poetic license here at Great Stuff to tell you how I truly feel about Fortnite.

As a lifelong video game fan, I initially saw trading as yet another type of “game” to master. It was a challenge. With the right knowledge, I too could win this game played by billionaires.

Yes, I was young and naïve, but I never shrank from that challenge. To this day, I continue to search for that edge — that “cheat code,” if you will — that will help me (and now you) make it big.

Gwenn M. wanted to know:

Your movie references are all over the place (in the best way)! Any one favorite?

As you know, Gwenn, I have an affinity for ’80s movies — everything from Top Gun and E.T. to Indiana Jones and anything made by the great John Hughes. I also have a big weak spot for Monty Python and dry British humor.

But my real favorite, the pièce de résistance, is Star Wars. The Empire Strikes Back was the first movie I ever saw in a theater. It was a masterpiece. So, for better or for worse, Great Stuff readers get more Star Wars memes than any other.

I have spoken.

Short and sweet, Suze said:

Do you have a quote you live by?

Suze, there are, in fact, three quotes that I live by … one for investing in the market and two for life.

For the market, I live by the words of John Maynard Keynes: “Markets can stay irrational longer than you can stay solvent.”

For life, my favorite is by Robin William’s character, John Keating, in Dead Poets Society: “But only in their dreams can men be truly free. ‘Twas always thus, and always thus will be.”

But equally important is one my grandfather told me jokingly decades ago: “Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

I don’t think you can go wrong with any of those quotes.

And on that note, you can look forward to more meme-fueled festivities tomorrow.

Until next time, good trading!

Regards,

Joseph Hargett

Great Stuff Managing Editor, Banyan Hill Publishing

[goldira01]

Share a Coke With Aurora Cannabis?

Are you well rested from the holiday break?

I hope so, because I have a doozy of a conspiracy theory in the cannabis sector for you today. It involves the most widely held stock on Robinhood and the world’s largest soft drink maker.

Before we get to the speculation, let’s start with the facts.

On Monday, Aurora Cannabis Inc. (NYSE: ACB) announced that Chief Commercial Officer (CCO) Cam Battley was leaving the company. Battley was considered the face of Aurora, so his leaving hit investor sentiment hard.

What’s more, analysts at Jefferies downgraded Aurora to hold from buy on the news. “It is clear to us that the market is lacking conviction in Aurora, and this update will do little to help that,” the ratings firm said in a note to clients.

ACB plunged 8% on Monday as a result.

Now for the speculation. A gentleman by the name of “Gabor the Blind Guy” posted a video to YouTube earlier this week where he tries to open a new childproof lid his father designed for Coca-Cola Co. (NYSE: KO). According to Gabor, this childproof lid is for a new cannabidiol (CBD) drink that Coke is releasing in Canada.

Coke childproof lids? Coke CBD drinks?

There’s nothing in the news about any of this … save for one article over at TheCannabisStock.com.

Anyone else remember the last company Coke was talking with to produce CBD drinks?

That’s right: Aurora Cannabis.

The Takeaway: 

Don’t go looking on YouTube for the video — it’s gone.

In fact, Gabor’s entire YouTube account is gone. So are his Facebook and Twitter accounts. I’m thinking someone accidentally broke a nondisclosure agreement here. Oops.

But this is the digital information age. Nothing is ever truly gone. In fact, you can find a mirror of the video here (while it lasts).

Now, I don’t need to tell you that Aurora could really use a boost … and a deal with Coke would be a major coup for the cannabis company. Aurora just rolled out its Cannabis 2.0 products in Canada, including a long list of edibles, vapes and drinks. A Coke-backed Cannabis 2.0 drink could send ACB to the moon.

What’s more, what if CCO Battley only moved out of Aurora (and into an Aurora subsidiary) to make way for a Coke representative ahead of a CBD drink deal?

The possibilities are tantalizing, aren’t they?

For an expert’s take on the situation, I reached out to Banyan Hill’s resident pot stocks guru, Anthony Planas. Here’s what he had to say:

I saw it on Reddit. I think it’s BS.

Clearly not the take we anticipated, but it’s a stark reminder that any potential tie-up between Aurora and Coke is purely speculation at this point.

Thank you, Anthony, for bringing us all back to earth on this one.

As it turns out, Anthony was right. Just before Great Stuff hit the presses, Coke issued a statement: “As we have stated many times, we have no plans to enter the CBD market.” Bummer.

Remember, the cannabis sector is quite volatile right at the moment. You need an expert to help guide you through the rumors and speculation. To that end, Anthony and Real Wealth Strategist editor Matt Badiali have come up with five pot stocks you “must own” right now … before more states legalize.

Click here to find out more!

Good: Tesla Smokes $420

It was bound to happen … and when it did, CEO Elon Musk was just itching to make a joke.

On Monday, Tesla Inc. (Nasdaq: TSLA) hit $420 per share. The milestone prompted Musk to tweet out: “Whoa … the stock is so high lol.”

All jokes aside, Tesla is smoking right now. The shares are up a whopping 1,600% since their initial public offering, with optimism over the new Chinese Gigafactory driving bullish sentiment right through that burning Walmart roof.

Analysts are even jumping on board, albeit reluctantly. Today, Wedbush analyst Dan Ives lifted his price target on TSLA to $370 from $270, citing strong demand for the Model 3. While Ives gave a nod to “massive short covering” for Tesla’s recent resurgence, he also pointed out “underlying fundamental improvement” at the company. After all, Tesla turned a surprise profit last quarter.

But the short squeeze story can’t be ignored. Tesla shorts have … well … lost their shorts by betting against the company. And there’s more to come. ShortSqueeze.com reports that 27.5 million TSLA shares remain sold short after a 4% decline in the latest reporting period.

Those remaining 27.5 million shares still account for about 20.5% of Tesla’s total float (or shares available for public trading). With TSLA still climbing, how much longer can these remaining bears hold out before they’re forced to buy as well?

Better: Riveting Competition 

When Tesla unveiled its new Cybertruck, the internet had a field day making fun of the “truck’s” odd design features. Not since the Pontiac Aztek have we seen a vehicle so, well … ugly.

With so few true competitors, it looked like energy-conscious truck enthusiasts (yes, they do exist) were stuck driving a truck designed by a six-year-old. That is, until Rivian secured a massive amount of funding.

Rivian is an electric vehicle startup that’s drawn considerable interest from backers as of late, especially after Tesla’s Cybertruck made its debut. Rivian’s trucks and SUVs look more like traditional vehicles than anything Tesla makes, providing a level of confidence to key backers.

So much so that the company announced it raked in $1.3 billion in funding in its latest investment drive — its largest to date. Big names are lining up behind Rivian, including Ford Motor Co. (NYSE: F) and Amazon.com Inc. (Nasdaq: AMZN).

Rivian is expected to start delivering trucks and SUVs next year. Are we witnessing the emergence of a true competitor in the electric vehicle market?

Best: Breaking Records

I honestly don’t know why more people don’t shop online during the holiday season … or at any point during the year, for that matter. It’s like y’all didn’t get the memo: You don’t have to fight hordes of people to buy things anymore.

This year, online shopping saw more converts than ever. According to data from Mastercard, e-commerce sales surged to a record high, rising 18.8% from 2018 to account for 14.6% of total retail sales in the U.S.

Naturally, the big winner here is Amazon. The e-commerce giant said this past holiday shopping season was “record-breaking.” The company reported 5 million new Prime subscriptions (free trial and paid). What’s more, traffic at Amazon pickup points was up 60% year over year.

Here’s the surprising thing: Amazon stock is actually down more than 6% in the past six months. The shares lag the S&P 500 Index by about 8% for the past 12 months.

So, what gives? Amazon’s spending spree, that’s what. After the company posted its first profit drop in two years back in October, investors have been reluctant to push AMZN higher.

That’s a mistake. Amazon has proven time and time again that it knows how to invest in itself. This latest spending round was on one-day shipping and content for Prime TV. These investments will pay for themselves. We’ll see proof of that in Amazon’s holiday quarter earnings report.

Before I sign off and try to steal another Hawaiian roll — the King’s Hawaiian ones are OK, but homemade rolls help me feast like an emperor — it’s time for a helping of Reader Feedback.

But Great Stuff, you didn’t even ask us for any feedback this week!

No, but “readers gonna read” … and write in.

And I’m grateful for all the feedback and comments you send in.

This week, y’all got personal with the questions. The holidays bring out all kinds of folks. (Especially out on the roads by me … jeez, how many of you really went last-minute with the shopping?)

So, I thought it’d be a wholesome, festive Kodak moment to respond to some of your questions about the great stuff behind Great Stuff.

Brian E. asked:

When and why did you get into trading? I’m trying to convince my son to turn off Counter-Strike and start investing. Any advice?

Well, Brian, at least it’s Counter-Strike and not Fortnite. I don’t have the … umm … poetic license here at Great Stuff to tell you how I truly feel about Fortnite.

As a lifelong video game fan, I initially saw trading as yet another type of “game” to master. It was a challenge. With the right knowledge, I too could win this game played by billionaires.

Yes, I was young and naïve, but I never shrank from that challenge. To this day, I continue to search for that edge — that “cheat code,” if you will — that will help me (and now you) make it big.

Gwenn M. wanted to know:

Your movie references are all over the place (in the best way)! Any one favorite?

As you know, Gwenn, I have an affinity for ’80s movies — everything from Top Gun and E.T. to Indiana Jones and anything made by the great John Hughes. I also have a big weak spot for Monty Python and dry British humor.

But my real favorite, the pièce de résistance, is Star Wars. The Empire Strikes Back was the first movie I ever saw in a theater. It was a masterpiece. So, for better or for worse, Great Stuff readers get more Star Wars memes than any other.

I have spoken.

Short and sweet, Suze said:

Do you have a quote you live by?

Suze, there are, in fact, three quotes that I live by … one for investing in the market and two for life.

For the market, I live by the words of John Maynard Keynes: “Markets can stay irrational longer than you can stay solvent.”

For life, my favorite is by Robin William’s character, John Keating, in Dead Poets Society: “But only in their dreams can men be truly free. ‘Twas always thus, and always thus will be.”

But equally important is one my grandfather told me jokingly decades ago: “Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.”

I don’t think you can go wrong with any of those quotes.

And on that note, you can look forward to more meme-fueled festivities tomorrow.

Until next time, good trading!

Regards,

Joseph Hargett

Great Stuff Managing Editor, Banyan Hill Publishing

[steamishot]

Alcohol talk

I’m on the way to Chicago right now, and I have time to write out my thoughts. Matt took me to bestia last night. He surprised me with the reservation and it was nice that he made the effort to see me knowing I’d be gone for the weekend. I’m touched that he was willing to spend ~$150 on dinner for me so early on. Honestly, I was always envious of ladies who their partner take fine dining. Trying out new food/eating well is one of my top pastimes of choice. I see in my brothers relationship, he doesn’t necessarily have interest in doing that fancy stuff, but he knows it’ll make her happy and therefore does it. I didn’t have that in my last relationship. Actually, it seemed my last partner didn’t really quite understand what made me happy/didn’t quite care. Not that the amount spent matters, but he rarely took me out to new places/interesting places to eat. I was the one who did all the restaurant picking.

The more I think about my last relationship, the more I feel it was based on sexual compatibility and not much more. It makes sense because that was one of the reasons why I wanted to be with him. Getting intimate was sexy and we were just drawn to each other physically. I watched terrace house recently, and one of the hottest scenes in the series was between Noah and Seina who were getting handsy and making out at the bar. They ended up hooking up that night at a hotel. Watching their sexual chemistry reminded me of what David and I had. Looking back, our beginning dates had a lot of fooling around and making out involved and it felt so natural. I don’t see myself acting like that anymore, probably because I’m older now.

With Matt, he asks me questions to know my preferences. He asked me yesterday what my ideal day is like. He also proposed that we go to Napa for wine tasting. He told me his “downfalls”/ or wanted to upfront about his flaws such that he’s quite intense, he’s either 100% on or off, he can be quite cold bc he shuts down, he has time management issues (he’s been late almost every time we hung out), etc. I think it’s respectable that he’s being honest with what he perceives are his flaws, and he wanted me to share something about myself as well. All I could think about at the time was how someone’s “flaws” are subjective. And I’d rather have him get to know me and find out himself. Whatever he mentioned, I could handle it, because I know he doesn’t have bad intentions and is genuine in trying to better his behavior. I thought about what David didn’t like about me, that i didn’t like to socialize with his huge family and group of friends. That I’m not the most verbally affectionate. And that sometimes I’m tired in bed and not as enthusiastic while having sex and he takes it as rejection. Literally those were the top problems he had with me. Listing out his “flaws” like that makes me believe he’s a person of growth, because he recognizes where he can improve on.

I had alcohol while we were talking and felt woozy. I also was not really in the mood to talk much because the restaurant was pretty loud. I tend to shut down when the environment is too stimulating. So I just sat and listened to him, actively listened to him and smiled/acted engaging (without talking much). I like that he’s confident in that me not saying much doesn’t faze him. He didn’t get self conscious and instead he was just like ok I can keep talking about myself. He also said let me know if you don’t wanna talk at all because that’s cool too. He was telling me that he was wild back in the days, went to a lot of raves and partied a lot. And said that he can teach me how to be wild/said I should go out to party. Maybe I seem super innocent but by the way I was drinking my alcohol, he asked if I’ve ever gotten drunk. In that moment i reflected on my younger self, those nights of throwing up, drinking for the sake of getting drunk, I didn’t recognize who I was a few years ago. I wouldn’t consider myself wild. And I think wild is subjective too. I told him that alcohol makes me depressed and anxious. Overall, I was kinda stuck in my own head and didn’t reveal much about myself.

I think we’re a good match because we both like to discover new things and are pretty adventurous. I like his energy, positivity, chill vibes and go getter attitude. He’s such an interesting person and like a very humble doctor. He told me how he was an old lady’s personal assistant before going into med school. How he took a gaps after college/before med school and after med school/before residency and is just chillin.

Because of the damn alcohol, I ended up reflecting a lot. He asked me what my favorite restaurants were yesterday and I realized I haven’t really been to any of them because David and I used to frequent them. I told him I lost 6 pounds in the past two months. And I realized my appetite just hasn’t been the same. Thinking about this had me almost tearing up on my flight because even though I think I’m doing better, there’s just a lot subconsciously that hasn’t healed yet.

This is the first time I feel like there’s equal interest on both sides. I think due to fear of rejection, ive never pursued a guy or shown interest in one like so. I’ve tended to go out with guys who are way more interested in me than I am in them. I’m definitely more shy around Matt because I want to be on good behavior and I like him. But I realize I’m different people depending on who I’m with. Which is true, you do become the people you spend the most time with. When I was with David, I started sexualizing everything, I think because that’s how he was. I didn’t like it at all... I’m in that transition of David-Connie to Matt-Connie but it’s kinda hard without that middle section of just Connie.

I hope matt can be patient with me, while I find myself and my place with him. And I hope we will be worthwhile.

[ifuckinhatemymom-blog]

Letting go of my fp

I was obsessed with him so much it put a strain on my relationship. It started before I was diagnosed. I didnt even know what was happening to me. Think of the biggest dickhead in the world, and imagine yourself infatuated with him. I even wondered if I had genuine feelings for him. I didnt, fucking obviously I didnt It was this fucking disorder warping everything and making my life a living hell Im not even sure why it happened. I usually keep people at a distance from me. I dont value peple in my life but he suddenly came in my life and he was the coolest, funniest, most charming son of a bitch I ever laid eyes on. (Seriously though, he is a fucking asshole.) He has a lot of issues of his own. Like super super depressed and self harming in every way you could think of. The friends group I was in? Everyone hated him. Treated him like shit, talked shit about him behind his back. I didnt understand why people could pretend to be his friend but hate him so much. It is so fucked. Anyway they probably had reason to hate him (theyre not excused from being fake assholes, he is still a fucking human being) because he was rude and mean. I was the only one who would properly call him out on his shit. I was also his biggest cheerleader and defender. I saw the positive side of him, saw how much pain he was in. I took it upon myself to try and "fix him". Lol. Obviously, that wasnt and is not and never will be possible. I became obsessed with helping him, being there for him, I forced my way into his life, I sledge hammered through the walls he had up whether he wanted it or not, and for a moment I felt so close to him and so happy because this was also the first time I had a friend of MY OWN? MINE? MY friend, because everyone-- including my girlfriend-- fucking hated him. I hadnt had an FP since I met my girlfridnd and that was 8 years ago. I had been giving HER my heart mind body and soul (dealing with the torment of that not being reciprocated for years. Honestly I feel like ill never trully feel im 100% her priority or like she loves me as much as I love her but fucking what ever). Anyway she was the one everyone was drawn to and I was always kind of the one off to the side, she would introduce people to me and thats how I would make friends. Do you see where im going with this? The preference everyone had for her over me was clear as day and I struggled with that and her being the center of attention for years. I was shy, awkwardly ugly as fuck, my fat didnt fall well on my young body yet, I was shit. Fucking pathetic and gross. She has BPD too. (Invalidated me alot when we were younger, I couldnt share any of my feelings without her making it obvious that I, and I quote, "will never be as crazy as her". I shit you not.) It all shifted when we joined a larp at this dingey little alternative school. By then, my skin was clear, my hair was the BRIGHTEST fucking pink you could imagine, still fat but I honestly wear it very well now, and my confidence was higher than it was since I was maybe 6 years old. Bitch. That group was eating out of the palm of my fucking hand. It was the first time that I was the group leader/head bitch in charge. She didnt seem to mind it! Said she was happy for me. But again. First time for me. He wanted to be my friend, too. He was intimidated I could feel it off him. It felt great. He respected me more than he did anyone else in the room and he made it apparent. I guess I internally knew him and I would be close friends and that everyone would be mad about it. One of the guys at the program was oddly possesive over me and he particularly hated my FP the most out of everyone. Started treating me different as FP and I got closer. Exluding me, doing things to pin me and FP against each other. Shit got weird. There is a whole ass history when it comes to that boy but ill bitch about that in another post. Anyway as I was trying to say before getting sidetracked, the minute I laid eyes on FP it was almost instant? I could read his vibe(badass bad boy asshole the fucking works), and on top of that he was attractive. Instant. I needed him to be my friend. My close, cool, bad ass friend. Fast forward to me crying to my brothers because my girlfriend was fed up with the little relationship I had going on with him. I began to resent her, thinking that she wasnt allowing me to have friends of my own when deep down I knew what the fuck I was doing was wrong and if I were her I would have cussed me AND FAUGHT HIM a looooong time ago, but I was lying to myself and to her. He has a girlfriend he loves very much, yet he would do things on purpose to make my girlfriend jealous? Like one time when I was running late to the program (no surprise) my girlfriend didnt have a phone at the time, I was texting him and shit telling him when I would be there and shit like that. And you know what he does? He says "its a shame you dont have a phone, because shes texting me instead of you right now." To my girlfriend. Needless to say when she told me this shit I was pissed off but did I say anything to him? No. I was hurt, though. Because just like everyone else in my fucking life, he was using me to get to her even if in a negative way. He kept doing little shit like this. He invited me over his house to play with his pets in front of my girlfriend and purposely excluding her (he had promised her she could visit and meet his cat a few weeks prior) And what did I do? Like a giddy pink school girl, I anxiously agreed to go to his house alone. in front of her. I did it because I never get asked to hang out on my own. I wanted him to be my friend and have someone be only mine for once. My distorted thinking was making me not care about how it made my girlfriend feel, because inside I was in her shoes countless times and it was sort of a silent revenge. He was toxic. I mean toxic. I felt ignored often, belittled, made to feel like I was a stupid little girl and like he was above me and like he needed to baby me, when really I was helping him better himself. A real asshole. Class A shit. My best friend and my girlfrend hated him so much at this point. It must have been so obvious to everyone else. I feel so fucking stupid. Just the other day I was trying to talk to him about some basic shit and he again ignored me and sent a meme instead. He did that thing often where you can say something to him but he will change the subject to what ever it was he wanted to be talking about, completely ignoring anything I had to say. Questions, statements, talking about my dreams or wants, opinions, all fucking ignored like it didnt fuckng matter. The other day I brought it up. He used excuses and didnt even try to listen or say sorry or that he would try and fix it. None of that. And I guess im just going to have to accept that I will never be special to him, im not valuable enough to him for him to even care or listen. Fuck him. Im fucking done with him. My girlfriend and I and the relationship isnt centered around him and I anymore, I think ive let go of him months ago but its becoming more concrete these days. I let him go the first time for her, because at the end of the day I love her over everyone and no one will ever change that... but it wasnt for me. I didnt do it to save myself I did it to save the relationship, I distanced myself. This time im letting go because im finally accepting that I need to do it for my own sake. For me. For my health. My sanity. Good bye FP. I hope this never happens to me again. -nani P.S I will try and dissect this entire situation in bpd terms at some later point. Like what caused my certain behaviors, what was happening because of my illness and trauma, a general analysis of it from what would maybe be more of a psychiatric view. Im no professional but despite all my shit im super analitical and im good at looking at cause, effect, rationalizing etc. When it comes to others and after im finished having a personal experience.

[abigailauandee-blog]

explaining my life to my boyfriend

i was raised catholic, and in catholic families nothing can be wrong, divorce is wrong, any mental issues are wrong, adultry is wrong, and god so many things are wrong and the problem was that almost everything they considered wrong i had gone thought before i was even five. i taught kids for three years in sunday school, this is the first year i haven't since 2014, even when i began to question my beliefs and even when i just decided it's better for me not to have them, i kept teaching because i wanted them to have hope. i don't think there's anything wrong with believing and most people would think that because i am the way i am that i should have strong feelings towards god and that i should pray often and i just i want to focus on me i want to make things happen for myself, if that makes sense? you're dating a girl who can't function with out meds and it really sucks and i cry everytime i think about it because this is gonna be a thing my entire life because i got the mental stuff that doesn't go away. but my mom and my dad, kenny as i often refer him to as, ryan was born first he's my older brother,1998, then i was born in 2000, they separated in 2004, my father cheated on her with 12 different women, my father has been in and out of my life since and it's messed me up really bad. all he gave me in my childhood was starwars, comics, and car movies. and as you know those are three focuses in my life that keep me sane. we moved in with our grandmother in 2004 and moved into our own house early 2005 and i started going to therapy in 2005 and ive gone to it every year since, kenny was and kinda still is the main reason i go. my father would lie and say he was coming and leave me and ryan waiting st the front door for hours just waiting and he wouldn't show. he'd bring random women with him and act like they're gonna be apart of our lives and then a new one would come. in 2008 they finally divorced. 2009 my mom had joseph with my step dad steve and they got married and we moved to hburg. steve and i don't have a relationship, the only thing we really talk about is dumb and dumber and a couple other movies, and my father was still in and out of my life, in 2008 my father married a girl named megan, and we started going to their house about once every three months, my mother bought me and ryan phones when we were in 5th and 6th grade because she was scared our father would kidnap us. we kept a lot of our childhood memories at their house. him and megan split. he said it was her wrong doing. but i know it was him. megan threw away everything of ours. and dad began dating again. once i was in 7th grade i started to notice my father would take pictures of girls while he was with us and he'd hit on any female that was checking us out at a store or a waitress. it still happens today. so he still remains on and off and then we get to 2014 i started dating calvin and we had a pretty good relationship but i fucked up a lot apparently. calvin came from a family with a lot of money and he will never have to work for anything in life because his family has ownership of almost every mcdonald's in hburg. my family obviously isn't like that. i wasn't good enough for him but i didn't notice until the last three months, and he started liking another girl and she was my friend actually and at homecoming, nov.14, he broke up with me at the dance and drove me home, the week after he continued to make me believe we could fix it. but he already had the other girl coming. our one year was nov. 23 and the joker painting on my wall was something i spent two months on making sure it was good enough and i gave it to him as a early one year during pictures and that's how that went. may 22 2015 is the day ethan zander died in a car accident. he was a close friend and it still hurts like heck. the arrow on my wrist was drawn there that day by a friend and i've traced it every day since. the next guy i dated was in june 2016 and it was a long distance relationship, he lived in tennessee he came to see me twice from june- november. the first time was okay he seemed like he cared and then after awhile we were spectical of each other. we decided to stay in each other's lives but not actually date. he started dating a girl a week after we called it off in september. and that messed me up because he was overly emotionally abusive and almost every bad thought that goes through my head is because of what he did to me mentally. he didn't believe anything was wrong with me and that everyone was lying. i got admitted into the hospital the first time in september. he told me i couldn't date because guys can't resist me. but he was already dating that girl. i didn't listen but i didn't tell him i was. dated jacob in october, you know how that went, vann found out and when he came to see me he hit me because of it. i left vann early december because i told him i "fucking hated him and i have no emotional feeling for him in anyway left to make me stay" he has a lot of my art and stuff i bought him because i wanted to be a good girlfriend. try to fix things. didn't mean anything and he never sent me anything or gave my stuff back. i was doing okay after him. because i really i didn't want him and i was so happy he was gone but the emotional abuse from that tore me down to the point i overdosed on 25 of my anxiety pills after a manic episode, mac made me call poison control, he's the reason i'm here, because i wouldn't have called on my own nor stopped taking them. so they sent me to lynchburg after keeping me at rmh from 9 pm till 6 am the next morning ( which happened to be the first day of our new semester) so i was locked in a mental institution for a week and if i begin to explain everything that i went through in there i will breakdown. i cant handle that memory. from may 2015 to january 2017 i was on about ten different type of meds they thought could help me. i was finally diagnosed with bipolar and manic in the hospital. my father didn't even know i was in there or that i did anything until last month when he finally came and saw me since christmas. he gave me a bottle of vodka for christmas. he thinks that's the only way to get my attention. he treats me like a friend not a daughter. that's one of the big issues. and now i'm here, and i'm falling immensely for you and i'm happier than i've been in a very long time. sorry that's a lot to read but that's the basis of my issues.