#this is truly fucking me up rn
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What's currently fucking me up (it's always TLOU):
At the end of ep3, Joel and Ellie drive away listening to Linda Ronstadt. But the PART of this SONG: an analysis
We start with:
"And I think it's gonna hurt me for a long, long time" - a pretty clear reference to Sarah's death for Joel
"Wait for the day/you'll go away" -playing while they have their sweet moment bonding over Linda; obviously a reference to Joel's greatest fear, but also probably foreshadowing TLOU2 (KILL ME)
"Knowing that you warned me" (Joel looks at Ellie) "of the price I'd have to pay" -we all know Joel is terrified of losing Ellie like he lost Sarah. I think this line alone informs how much he fights his love for Ellie for the next few episodes
"And life's full of flaws/ who knows the cause" - fucked up world, all the stuff they have to do to survive, I feel like this line works as a really gracious acceptance of what Joel's done and does and where we end up at the end of the season (Joel Miller did nothing wrong)
"Living in the memory of a love that never was" - this always confused me because this is where we cut back to Bill and Frank's window. It COULD be a reference to their lost years, but I don't think that's it, because they had a good long time together and their love definitely WAS. I think it's more likely meant to refer to Joel and Sarah's lost years (and again, maybe a VICIOUS foreshadowing of Joel and Ellie's lost future days) (FUCK everything)
"Cause I've done everything I know/ to try and change your mind/ and I think I'm gonna love you for a long, long time" - I think this one is Ellie. She has been and continues to spend the next couple episodes trying to bond with Joel. She does change his mind (it never actually needed changing)
And they love each other for a long, long time.
#forever actually#because tlou2 doesn't happen#K THX BYE#this is truly fucking me up rn#obviously this song wasn't written for this show but like wasn't it????#help me im dying#the last of us#tlou#tlou2 spoilers#tlou spoilers#joel miller#ellie williams
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NO MORE ASSOCIATING THINGS WITH FEMMES ONLY BECAUSE THEY ARE PINK!HYPERFEM FEMMES ARE GREAT AND I LOVE YOU CAMPY FEMMES WHO EMBODY PINK BUT ALSO JESUS CHRIST CAN YOU GUYS NOT GO MORE THAN ONE DAY W/O TRYING TO SHOEHORN FEMMES INTO BEING ONLY PINK UWU BABIES. I AM FEMME AS IN GRASS AS IN DIRT AS IN TREE BARK AS IN WEEDS SPROUTING THROUGH THE SIDEWALK CEMENT. FEMME AS IN GENDER NONCONFORMITY AS IN FUCK YOU MY FEMININITY IS WHAT *I* SAY IT IS. FEMME AS IN DEPTH AND DARKNESS AND WARMTH AND TERROR. FEMME AS IN CAVES. FEMME AS IN LIGHTNING. FEMME AS IN AN AMALGAMATION OF TRAITS THAT I HAVE DECIDED ARE FEMININE REGARDLESS OF WHAT SOCIETY SAYS. FUCK IS IT THAT HARD TO UNDERSTAND?!???
#personal#i am emotional yes#over the years ive had this blog I've made a few posts abt being femme#nd whether they're serious or jokey..... inevitably someone in the tags goes “ohhh yeah bc pink”#or in the case of what inspired this post: someone going “what about the pink ones” on my praying mantis post#and im just.#sick of it. im sick of femme being equated to pink and frilly girlie behaviors.#im sick of femme being equated to skirts and heels. to makeup. to skincare. to pristine nails exactly almond shaped.#im sick of ppl acting like All femmes aspire to this shit. im sick of femms being reduced to this shit.#and i love pink! i love pink! my phone theme is quite literally just black and pink all over.#im just. so tired of any expression of Femme identity being shoehorned into being a Specific type of femininity#especially as someone who DOES get dysphoric wearing skirts. wearing dresses. embodying the femme aesthetic yall are so set on making#if u guys wanna rb this i truly dont care#i just needed to scream#and this is one small thing#but the 2nd largest category of anon hate i have gotten since making this blog is str8 up homophobia from other “queer” folks#saying i cant be femme bc of how i present. calling me slurs (and using them as such) bc they cant understand femme as anything but that#my wife and i have our users in our personal discord server set as 2 different things of anon hate ive gotten#i have had OTHER FEMMES tell me i am not femme. femmes who Know im femme who still call me butch. femmes who ive corrected and been blocked#-by bc of it. the number 1 largest demographic of queerfolk who have me blocked rn is TME femmes who embody pink also#and i dont think its a coincidence at all. (and i know this bc i go to try and follow these ppl bc they get rbed on my dash & i cant)#and ik their blogs arent deleted bc some of them don't block my wife (tall. white. butch) and it cant be politics cause her and i rb#a lot of the same political shit (fuck. i think she rbs More than i do even. this is genuinely mainly a nsft blog)#and usually i don't say anything but im having a bad day so i get to be angry about this and if anyone fucking tries me i will block u#idc if we've been mutuals 4ever. im judt so tired of feeling like i am not Enough as a femme bc i dont embody this shit#im sick of this lameass lip service to he/him gnc femmes etc when the thin white 50s housewife femme is still what is preferred and loved#im sick of this lamesss lip service when y'all feel entitled to theorizing on other femmes genders bc u cant conceptualize a femme who does#wanna be hypetfeminine. im sick of it. im sick of it. im sick of it.#celebrity bun
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yea
#i had posted this everywhere and it occurred to me that i hadnt on tumblr. which seems like a crime#keith kogane#vld keith#vld lance#vld fanart#lance mcclain#voltron#klance#can i rant for a bit#grabs the microphone Id like to thank this huge step on my voltron healing journey to my mom#who said 'oh its that show that made you cry in frustration! the kitties!'#and i said 'yes mother i was 15'#i dont think ive ever felt so. like. bullied? i dont wanna say ridiculed but#by a shows' producer#not since fucking BBC SHERLOCK#and i dont mean oh of course it wasnt gonna be canon. Of cours it wasnt I dont mean that#what i didnt need was getting baited left and right#the show milked the shit out of. lets be real here. young queer kids and then turned around and pointed and laughed when they gained hope on#their silly red blue ship to get canon#bc lets be real if anything queer was gonna happen. ambiguous non binary pidge was already there#two skinny attractive teen boys is like low hanging fruit. diet rep#but it wasnt even abt that. at least i truly never thought klance was srly gonna b canon. i HOPED. but like. i never shipped 4 canon anyway#i LIKED voltron. i loved lotor. i had always been a multishipper allur//ce was rkly cute i couldve dug that#if they hadnt spent the last season looking miserable AND THEN DYING#tf u mean our female lead died TF U MEAN THE LATINO MC BECAME A FARMER? w the forever marks of his dead gf on his face? Are you joking rn???#anyway. hit me up for more voltron opinions i got tons#(mic drop)
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LOVE his kansai dialect so much huge shoutout to his seiyuu (kengo kawanishi) here’s 34 seconds of it from the new episode
(also whilst confirming that i wasn’t saying the wrong shit i found a thread on how his dialect gets translated in the manga from an official translator!)
#if u told me one week ago when i was rereading kn8 that id be giving this much fucks about hoshina AND a pairing from it i’d be laughing at#u. however the only person i can laugh at rn is myself#hoshina#soshiro hoshina#sorry guys. I’m truly so sorry#kaiju no.8#just block me 🫡#also other vid got flagged can we not enjoy nice things and my hoshimina agenda?#egg boils#ITS SO CITE HOW WHEN HES COMPLAINING HE GOES FULL ON ACCENT#What the hell i just took a peak at his wiki n he voices aventurine too.. like no wonder.#man#i like hoshina this is messed up..#give me more mina moments pleaseeeeeee <- excitedly awaits episode 11 i think#fave
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you ever just have a lot, a LOT of feelings all at once about a character and not even remotely enough words or brainpower to FORM the words to describe everything you're feeling. so it feels like you may explode. yeah
#sorry i got really into my feelings about mark hoffman again#the very specific version of him in my brain that i really really wish i had the time and energy to properly share with you guys#saw#well until i muster the energy to explode all of my feelings out into a fic. if you want to TRY and understand#know that my three biggest hoffman fic insps right now are as follows#your best kept secret hoffman. a series of mistakes hoffman. and rushed like a dreadful wind hoffman.#there is a very clear throughline just know i am extremely emotionally compromised rn#thinking about theee fics vs the canon path hoffman spirals down#something something the absolute tragedy of watching a man's descent into madness#the transformation of a man into a monster#and what could have saved him from himself and kramer's corruption#sorry i'm rambling so much oh my god i was just having such a crying fit out of nowhere about this#do you think he could feel it happening. do you think he was aware he was losing his mind.#the script version of him fucks with me so bad. the crazed rankings and the longer hair and him not being well kept anymore#it's impossible to think he didn't know he was deteriorating#fuuuck okay i need to either chill or write a whole longfic rn#i project on that guy so much i truly don't know if i could properly write my vision of him#until i do something more substantial the full extent of my hoffman exists for me and my boyfriend only. they get me like no one else#well ginny and jenna also get me. please read best kept secret and a series of mistakes Oh My God#where am i going with this. i like tag rambling actually this is a nice way to do it without forcing EVERYONE to read my delirium#anyways if you've read all of this i think i love you? feel free to dm me about hoffman and my very specific headcanons and aus#maybe soon i'll try and start writing my fics about this tragic man#i could never say any of this on twitter btw they'd string me up for my opinions on him as a sad wet beast who could have been fixed#if only he hadn't been weaponized first#god i'm too tired to even be as embarrassed about this as i should be. thought i unlearned cringe already#but i've been spending way too much time on twitter and they HAAATE hoffman there#rip. i know it's not that serious but i'm sensitive rn and hate feeling lonely in my thoughts#ok bye for real otherwise i'll never shut up. i might tag ramble more often bc this was therapeutic in a way i needed badly#cat chat
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everybody! quick! tell me what aro joy means to you <2
#i will go first. breaking the boundaries set in place by the systems of love and romance is so cool#and i feel like it opens up so many possibilities.#like i've said in a poem before aromanticism to me is not a lack of anything it's an opening of the world before me...#it is also! the fact that i have had to contend with the thought of a future living my life alone#and now i am not only at peace with it but so happy with the idea. so overjoyed at the thought of spending my life with myself.#self esteem and delight and choosing what you want and making a life that is really and truly your own#without society's expectations changing it and without someone else's expectations changing it#AND. being sexy as fuck. aromanticism to me#if you don't feel aro joy rn you are not allowed to bemoan the experience on this post. i care dearly for you but go find another post.#before you do that though. take a second and look through the notes... hopefully people will have put some good stuff in there...#it is hard to get to the point of aromanticism bringing you joy sometimes BUT. by fucking god you can get there.#and it is so so fantastic...#aromantic#aromanticism#arospec#talking#aspec#aroace#aro positivity#aro joy#aromantic positivity
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fanciful stories (you're way too good at this)
(that's not what it's about. being good at it)
#pokemon#swsh#champion leon#gym leader raihan#assistant sonia#three parts of a whole idiot#hi. this is mostly me testing just goin at it with ink again. its wonky but! thats not what its about!#thinking abt little boy... in the arena with a set of league uniform a size too big. winning because it's fun#leon truly is like a recurring nightmare I have. every other month I wake up in the middle of the night like oh shit leon pokemon#also reintroducing the dragonfly motif for raihan... I debuted it for leon but tbh? it fits raihan better#this is like magical girl to me. the image genre of using kids toys to do archetypal hero things#man. I really need to draw a very specific thing for gloria. leon may be in it but I want it to be for gloria#we'll see! Im so fucking sleepy rn#theres a feast to be made tomorrow. I need to lay down n save up my energy for cookin#have a good night lads! remember: making bad art is fucking awesome
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I would commit murder to see the interview these pictures are from
#im feeling very monza 2011 today i guess!!!#nah but seriously PLEASE I WANT TO WATCH THIS SO BAD#I NEED CONTEXT FOR THEIR INCREDIBLY AWKWARD HUG#let me describe these photos for you bcs they are all just peak vettonso:#the first one where theyre smiling and looking at each other 🥰🥰🥰#and the second where theyre both smiling at the interviewer(?)#third and fourth i describe as: twink about to pounce#like seriously seb what is he talking about that is making you look at him like you want to eat him#fifth is sending me like ITS SO AWKWARD AND I LOVE IT#just my fav thing about 2010s vettonso where seb is so excitable and touchy and etc#and nando is like: i dont want to be here rn get him off me DJKFLGL#stop it Fernando. i know you want to.#and then last one idk i really like it. you guys know how i feel abour chairs.#i guess to me theres something about how differently they're sitting#like seb is more open and relaxed and Fernando is a lot more curled up and small#ANYWAYS WHERE IS THE VIDEO OF THIS 😭😭😭😭 I NEED IT#this actually adds to my bafflement abt their dynamic at this gp#bcs this is how the race wknd starts off and isnt it truly wonderful? that fernando then says 3 days later: fuck u my boy#f1#formula 1#sebastian vettel#fernando alonso#vettonso#2011 italian gp#we do a little bit of f1
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youtube
#joker out#kris guštin#kris gustin#jo:g#mine#what cracks me up is that lil tv program really said we only care about royal couple over here#so let us take a cool shot of miha's kid doing his thing being a princess and then let us#include a weirdly angled shot of bojan on stage taking money from some guy#they truly said babes we know u r going to esc but be so fucking for real rn u only have one (1) nepobaby on your side and#some unwashed dude in a burlap (sack) shirt she picked up on the street#and three men who don't talk much one of them is new so we are not even including him in the frame#i live love laugh
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wait so chuuya has angel imagery about him in stormbringer. and dazai is referred to as a demon on more than one occasion. and. hold on. wait. I'm going insane. hold on.
#don't try to figure out the grammar of this post I'm too lazy and having too many thoughts for that rn.#ANYWAY are they literally an angel/demon ship. in a way. bc if so. the dan rights are insane#I've been thinking abt this for awhile idk why it took me so long to post abt it#I'm ngl demon dazai as a concept is already enough to give me rights personally he truly is just like me fr#and . you know how insane i am abt angels. tbh chuuya would make a really good angel he's loyal and has humanity issues doesn't he.#also he is a Fucked Up Creature :) love that about him. but yeah that's another part of it#i wish there was like. more of that. more than just that one time symbolism. i need more. so i can write an essay abt angel chuuya#(if there is and i just missed it PLEASE send it my way. i am asking nicely 🔫)#(ig you could argue he's like an angel saving the ada in this arc but... eh that's not direct enough for me)
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the pics of morgan and joel are from travis sanheim's wedding this weekend!
^^^me experiencing the one-two knockout punch of “oh they WERE each other’s wedding date” followed by the realization that sanny finally got married 🥹😭 cheers indeed!!!
#have i ever told you all how i have the best anons in the world because i do. you’re all so nice to me and whenever i just. yell things#you come here and answer my questions and i love you for that thank you anon. i love you. 💕💕💕#also yes i KNOW i said finally and sanny’s like what twenty five however that is a) an old bachelor by most hockey standards b) he and alex#are high school sweethearts/been together forever and are disgustingly in love thank you they’ve been married in spirit if not reality#for years now. this has no bearing on my actual personal opinions on when you should or if you should be married or how long it should take#anyway. truly deeply madly obsessed with the joel/morgan of it all now because did they have to conform to a blue suit theme and if so#joelle why were u not wearing a belt. were all the flyers in blue suit uniform because that’s what our beautiful sensible sanny could trust#them to do &if so which ones were at the wedding i WILL be investigating post-haste. i have to update my tags 1st bc i’m the future me rn#who is currently dealing with them potentially being matching wedding dates & dunking my head in tinfoil to say morgan broke up with his gf#and ohhhhh if i don’t have a five weddings fic floating around SOMEWHERE for them. god knows i have the comment marriage fic AND fantastic!#liv in the replies#travis sanheim#<- in spirit i guess because it’s about his wedding so i felt like he should be included#philadelphia flyers#joel farabee#morgan frost#<- for my own sorting purposes#ANYWAY CONGRATS SANNY HAPPY MARRIAGE WE <3 U (do have to mention that i laugh so hard every time about that post calling him a rpf void i-)#also also bc i keep adding p.s. to this i was very pleased with myself to have flat fuck tk in the reply so that the travii were present 🫶
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rise and grind!!!!! <- experiencing screaming rage at 5:30am
#big rambling inbound ->#i truly cannot catch a break lately#everything’s so loud and annoying and bright and different i hate it#and my headaches are back which is so crazy frustrating#two marathon days (work -> social event) in a row this week#i am so fucking tired it’s like bone-deep exhausted i can’t sleep enough#i’m only up rn because my cat got sick in my bed so i had to start laundry and change my clothes and some got ON ME so that’s a whole thing#and i can’t cry bc of my meds fuck this gay earth#whatever i’ll be fine i always am
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"EVERYONE ELSE is misogynistic i LOVE female characters!!" - guy who is constantly ignoring important parts of female characters arcs bc they cant stand not hating One character for one minute. guy who mostly only discusses female characters relationships with men while complaining the sapphic ships "just dont make sense :/"
#meeple.txt#sorry im kind of losing it. over those dumbass threads#iykyk whatever#kind of batting a wasp nest rn saying anything about op#like sure making a multi paragraph barely readable angryrant about fandom misogyny sure makes you look better#but are you actually normal about these characters or do you just use them as argument pieces?#never seen op talk about candle or cabby or clover or suitcase etc etc etc outside of that post#or i guess. nickel x suitcase which as a ship just feels distasteful in a lot of ways but whatever#but that brings me to another point#do you really have any interest in analyzing these characters outside of a shipping context? whether its hating or pushing a ship#especially the way mic is often only really talked about either for tacomic hate or her relationships with men#and suitcase infantilization is brought up#yet op famously in the Fucked Up Taco Things post#went on about how taco Ruined suitcase and baseball's relationship#just stripping any agency suitcase had in that episode to villainize a character more#they were already doing bad and those things suitcase did were a conscious choice thats the fucking point!!!! she wants real respect#and baseball was kind of babying her constantly#im going to lose it#making a whole longggg post about how Nobody Truly wants to understand these characters. made by a guy who absolutely does not understand#tacomic#<- tagged to make sure op doesnt see this sorry tacomic tag /hj
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sometimes i truly do feel so isolated and alienated because even if people on here are lonely and sad they still have friends and partners and they're capable of having jobs and getting educations ... and im like ok wow im like actually the only one who doesn't just "feel" those things but also is completely worthless and insignificant. cool 👍
#and it's why i cant feel connected to anyone even if some ppl are nice to me#bc ok yeah but at the end of the day i still AM a loser while u have a life and ppl who care abt u........#nobody gets me. like for real...... ☹️#having avpd is fucked up and a curse tbh#idk rn im also in an avpd moment where i cant even reply to anyone at all#im like ok wow.... i both feel like im only worthless and stupid and awkward anyway why even bother trying#plus im genuinely like tired...... i just wanna be the most important to ONE person and be chosen by them over everyone else#never having experienced that just makes everything else pale away in comparison like i cant even find it in me to feel anythinf#anything*#im just feeling so fucking sad and im realizing how fkn alone i an#AM* god trying so hard not to cut myself since i cant even type properly#and since i have avpd that only makes me isolate myself more which makes me more miserable#but also the thing is... my only choice IS to isolate myself bc i dont have anybody#having short shallow social exchanges w ppl who i only exist a little bit to is making me feel more empty#i so badly need deep strong emotional connections#but actually i dont even care abt that... really truly all i want is to be no 1 to one person#so.... i dont know i dont fkn know all i know is that im so lonely#and even if shallow impersonal things can sustain me sometimes im in an avpd mood rn where i feel so fuckinf#fucking***** broken and worthless and all i want is to further isolate myself#bc when i try to talk to ppl im reminded of how stupid i am#bc they mean sm more to me than i do to them#bc they have real lives with real ppl that matter to them!!!#it's not what my soul needs so i just cant bring myself to.....#idk i also feel like an asshole bc i truly appreciate nice messages#idk i just wanna cry tbh and kms bc i will always have avpd and be broken 🩷
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yk what it was never that serious oh my god
#im good i think !!! my mood swings are !!! all over the place but actually yk everything pasess and time passes and hurt passes and there's#so so much more than this there's more than all of this and it was good before it will be good life doesn't just stop its fucking shit and#hell rn and it sucks that things could've been better and it sucks how unfair this all is but actually#crying over someone who wasnt talking to me for months is not actually that worth and god i am genuinely terrified that ill never love agai#and i really think i won't i think he was my person but tbh that was fucked like that was actually fucked up a lot of that was just hurting#and ik we both hurt each other a lot and ill never blame him and it will SUCK to see him again next year but ill be okay and everything e#will be okay i just need to meet and go out with more ppl and rmmbr that theres more to life than this shitty house and my shitty parents#and ill always love him and i cried over him so so much already but it is true that we had to have started moving on from it all at some#point i just truly believed wed like weather this together and im so disappointed at being left alone like this and i did rlly wish hed#stay but yk it can only really get better from here and whatever i loved him so so much but it's okay itll be okay#i need to live long enough to move out get a haircut a banging sexy ass bass and a cat so yk cant go anywhere until that happens
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got harassed on the subway today cause people saw my protest sign that said free Palestine and decided to throw a fucking fit! someone came up to me and told me that I was killing babies and that they hoped I would be raped and like. it literally sounds so over the top when I type it out but they felt incredibly fine saying that all to my face.
people are so so afraid of reckoning with the truth and their complicity in normalizing genocide and perpetuating dehumanization, and stuff like this only makes me more sure of my conviction to speak publicly about Palestinian liberation, actually!
anyway. wild fucking day
#personal#free palestine#rape tw#I’m fine btw. Street harassment like that doesn’t really fuck me up#and again. this is important enough to me that I truly do not give a fuck what people yell at me on the subway#I am too busy for that shit rn!
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