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startedwellthatsentence · 1 month ago

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Most of the way into a bottle of wine, sad that once again we lost a real chance at exploring polyamory in mainstream media*.

I want to speculate for a bit on what the intent of the final episode might have been, in the case where they weren’t (apparently) censored.

We KNOW that (the) Doctor Odyssey (writers room) LOVED direct parallels. Every character treating or dealing with a patient revealed their own internal truths.

Max saw in Ken a superficial hedonism that belied a deep seeking of self expression and understanding

Tristan saw the older cancer patient and her younger lover and saw his own relationship with Avery (and Max) — she was leaving at the end of the season, he potentially has a terminal illnsss

Avery dealt with the castaway woman who despite all odds survived to reunite with her husband

So what were the initial writers and casting directors looking for when they cast for 1x17-8? What parallels were they exploring?

Captain Massey’s is easy, as I don’t think they modified his much — that’s why his parallel still felt like the real Odyssey. The couple organizing the weddings weren’t right for each other, they worked together as business partners instead of romantic partners, so they’re getting a divorce. Massey shouldn’t mourn the loss of a romantic entanglement, and he gets to keep his ship. Easy.

Tristan’s is also pretty clear, when you cut away all of the pro-natalist bullshit that they replaced his actual plot with. (He was with the racist cryptic pregnancy and the midwife.) PARALLELS: Love can come from unexpected places. It is possible to care for people who you do not expect to be compatible with. Reacting poorly because of a romantic loss doesn’t make you irredeemable, as long as there are loving people who are willing to support you through the pain. You have to work on your own bullshit in order to be a better person, but lashing out, even multiple times, can be forgiven if you put in the effort. Sometimes unexpected love is hard work, but it’s worth the effort.

Max was with the talkative coroner. His is slightly harder to understand. (Potential) PARALLELS: the things you have identified as obstacles to your love life may not be insurmountable. (Max seems to think that his biggest problem is the running away thing, when it’s actually the “expresses his feelings as orders” issue.) Your tendency to interfere with others actually comes from a deep love. (The coroner wants to connect with people, even those he cannot reach — the dead, the non-English-speaking market seller; Max dispenses advice and mandates when he wants to show that he cares.) Pursuing your partners’ interests may result in relationship progress, even if it feels like a disaster at the time. (The coroner doing the hike and dinner and having it rained out parallels Max attempting a threesome with his poly love interest and the ensuing relationship drama.) Earnest attempts to communicate, however bumbling, can still have good results. (The lackluster Spanish resulted in human connection AND effective acquisition of medication. Max’s intent to communicate his needs with Avery being met with her frustration WAS more of a her problem, not a him problem, in the finale.)

Avery was with Dr. Aaron Samuels. Hers is the hardest to parse. Most of his time that was left in the episode by the time the finale aired was just exposition for the Max shit above. Potentially: he is a psychiatrist, which means he has an MD but doesn’t have much recent experience. He is a potential mirror to her future, as she may spend the next 2-4 years studying instead of practicing medicine? Maybe he wasn’t her parallel? The next option is the guy who went out of his way to go get his new stepdaughter’s book because it was a gift from her dad … except that was also made into a TRISTAN plot about how going to extremes to express your love can be dangerous, but ultimately fruitful, and how non-traditional arrangements can still be as loving as traditional ones. I feel like Avery didn’t GET a parallel patient for the finale, which may explain why she didn’t feel like she was learning anything or going anywhere???

Obviously, the finale sucked ass. It was awful. We only got HALF a scene that had ANY of the Odyssey magic (the “I would stay with you both forever in paradise” discussion, which they had to temper by MOVING TRISTAN A FOOT AWAY AND HAVING HIM CALL MAXAVERY CUTE 🤢🤮). But I feel like the bones of a good episode were there, they just didn’t get to actually make the episode they had intended. This was a drunken attempt to reconstruct the episode that would have made SENSE based on how the show used to work before 1x08.

*I also want to take a moment here to mention that calling Doctor Odyssey “queerbaiting” is bullshit. The secondary love story in the two-part finale was LITERALLY a gay couple. You children don’t have the capacity to realize how MUCH things have changed, that a gay wedding as the direct parallel to the main love story of this show was so uninteresting that the direct interference of the network barely noticed it. The plot that DID make it through was “Max/Avery, a heterosexual couple, should aspire to be as in love as these two gay men”. When I made this tumblr account, that would have been IMPOSSIBLE as a plot on network TV, and now it’s the LEAST progressive route this show could have possibly taken. The show didn’t queerbait, it queer-delivered. Unfortunately, the gay shit wasn’t the plot we were actually promised, and they UTTERLY failed to deliver on the poly shit.

#doctor odyssey #ody3 #two things can be true #I’m so sick with the loss of the potential this show had in the beginning #AND #the fact that the main plot of the final episode was a straight couple being held to the standards of a gay couple would have bee #n unthinkable a decade ago #mostly I haven’t seen people say Odyssey was queerbaiting but I HAVE seen it enough that I need yall to know that the queerness wasn’t bait #(I also don’t want to believe that the poly shit was bait but I’m also not ready to go full ‘facism destroyed my TV show’ yet)#(two things can be true)

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scribble-dribble-writes · 2 years ago

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Plastic heart - (4)

<<<Prev Next>>>

---

The OG Barbie movie made me believe in magic.

---

“Give me the rollerblades.”, you stomped up the stairs to only notice then, that weird Barbie was headed out.

“I would but we’re all gathering for the sending away party are we not?”, she asked you but in the state that you were in, you were sure your plastic heart was melting. Atleast that was what you hoped your body could do, so it could shed this uneasy feeling. To become a rain cloud so you could pour it all out.

“Who are we sending away?”, you asked feeling out of touch with everything going on.

“Stereo. She’s having a crisis.”, you heard the answer and began to zone out. So that was what she meant before. If she was leaving, then you possibly had a chance now, a thought gripped you.

But the anger that Ken displayed flashed in front of your eyes again. As much as you loved him, he didn’t.

“Tell me where they are and I’ll get it myself.”, you brushed past her. Your only need right now was to forget.

“In the trunk. Don’t forget to read the instructions.”, she bid you farewell as she went on her way while you trudged ahead to find your cure.

The house was dark and eerie. No one could explain why dark clouds swirled around this particular house or maybe it was an aesthetical add on. There was only one trunk, placed in the center with ominous lighting over it. The fear was beginning to take root.

Why would you need instructions for rollerblades?

As you popped open the lid, it let out a hiss and smoke began to bellow from within it. As you seated away the grey wisps, you caught sight of a shimmering pink rollerblade set that looked brand new.

You reached for it and picked it up, the metal rim gleaming almost as if you heard voices telling you to put it on.

In it’s place was a small post it note with something written on it.

In bold font, it was labeled as ‘instructions’

Go to the tunnel of dreams and use the rollerblades to venture further in.

At the heart of the tunnel, you will be shown your deepest desire that could fix your broken heart.

If you chose to accept it, a path will open that will take you to it.

That seemed much more simpler than the box of chocolates. You began to wonder why she didn’t give this to you in the first place.

So you took the skates, the instructions and exited weird Barbie’s house, the cold air was making your smooth skin shiver.

Malfunctioning was the worst experience, so much so that you had had enough of it. You just wanted to go back to your routine, forget Ken and start making cakes again.

‘The tunnel of dreams’, a vintage poster that looked faded was stuck on to the side of a big gapping hole that you were sure was the just the main sewer tunnel. Except it looked it wasn’t in use.

You looked back at Barbie land, you could hear faint cheers and fireworks, no one was going to notice you had gone. You inhaled deeply and then put on the blades. There was nothing here that could make you stay and if you truly were to get your heart’s desire by doing this. Then there was no better bargain.

The wheels glided smoothly against the plastic floor of the pipe, the dark enveloping you until you could see a small light at the end, which began to glow brighter as you approached it.

The buzzing white light was actually coming from a small vintage TV, it’s screen flickering with different ads of different barbies. As you came to a halt in front of it, the screen flickered and it played an advertisement about you.

"Great potential combined with impeccable skill to make the most profound dishes from all around the world. This Barbie has it all, the house, the intellect, the resilience to survive in the most cruel places, *with a drumroll* ‘the chefs kitchen’."

"But not everyone can have everything. This Barbie however does not have a Ken accessory and the one Ken she loves never truly sees her for who she is. "

"So go follow your dreams and establish your careers by adding her to your collection!"

*Each item sold separately

Now that didn’t make anything better. The screen glitched to have a noisy black screen as you stood there taking in the information. But from the darkness came a voice, starting soft as a whisper to soon becoming a commanding echo.

“Is that what you dream of?”

“Is that who you are?”

“What do you long for?”

"Speak it out at once."

The silence had vanished and as the voices echoed, the TV came alive playing pictures of your life here.

What did you long for?

You didn’t know anymore.

Say it

What did you want?

Say it

You covered your ears and began to crumble as the space around you became overwhelming.

The noise, the swirling wind, the jarring lights from the TV that began to flick images from your mind, all of them full of Ken and a few from the bakery. As the foundation of your life began to shake, it cracked all the unnecessary thoughts until there was only one that echoed along with the voices outside.

You wanted to feel like yourself again.

To wake up and wear your outfit and smile like this was who you had always wanted to be.

So you said it softly, first. Unsure.

“I want to be me.”

But it was lost in all the chaos around you, so you began to yell.

“I want to be me.”

“I want to feel like me again.”, you didn’t know you had that in you, a commanding presence to change this storm. And as you peeled away your hands to stand up straight because now you knew your demand. Your true desire.

If you didn’t value who you were? Deriving satisfaction or attention to fill that void from an outside source was never going to prove to be useful.

So as you said it, without a trace of doubt, without Ken’s face appearing in your mind, there was a new conviction.

You were going to put yourself first.

And with that everything stopped instantly. The chaos died and with it your skates began to glow. A bright pink that filled you with a warmth that felt good.

As you began to feel like everything was finally piecing itself together, it only began to fall apart. There was a tear in the dark floor that made it look like you were tearing out of your barbie box. The tear grew and grew until it swallowed you, causing you to fall through.

A choir began to sing around you, as you felt the grip on gravity on your legs.

Never let them know where you are from

Never go in search of your Barbie form

Keep this and you can return when you wish

But beware the tempt of reality, for it will change you

The more you crave to be real, the more it will sever your ties to your world.

All it takes is a wish to come back

If you choose to come back

All it takes is a wish to come back

Will you choose to come back?

With that, as the voices faded, you felt solid ground beneath your feet and immediately, a jarring sound of car horn.

“Oy get off the road!”, a man shouted from with a yellow car that had taxi written on top of it.

As your eyes began to adjust to this unknown world, buildings stretching up all the way up into the sky, strong smells swirling around you, you panicked to skate away when a pair of strong headlights blinded you. You scrambled to the sidewalk and bumped into another woman, who only turned to shout at you.

You backed into an empty alley way as you watched the crowd pass by.

Feeling scared but strangely, feeling set free too.

---

Tags:

@imogen-skye @ateliefloresdaprimavera

@meowkid1000 @jokersgrf @linacool13

@oh-kurva @dreamsarenicer @memospacexx

@haleysucks00 @ibetyouthinkaboutmefics

@tempobaekh @fallingwallsh @whatafreakingloser

@lcversrockk @imonmyvigilanteshh

@constellationscharts @eddiemunson4ever

#barbie movie 2023 #barbie movie #ken barbie #barbie #ken carson #ken x reader #ryan gosling ken #ryan gosling #im just ken

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ken-dom · 1 year ago

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Take Me Home

Officer K x gn!reader

2.1k words

∘₊✧ Summary: K is learning to understand the new feelings you've brought into his life. There is one he quickly learns to understand completely. Understands, and needs.

∘₊✧ Author's notes: This was written for the Morning Sunshine Collab with my friends on Goosecord, and is dedicated to the anons who have been asking me for more K. Here he finally is! Thank you Lily for organising us, answering my K questions and coming up with the perfect name for his neon cum! Sascha, Tucker and Clam for giving me confidence to write him, and my bestie/sister K for, as always, being my sanity and my beta reader! Title from Home by Daughter.

∘₊✧ Warnings/content: NSFW, sleepy morning making out, blow job, Luminescum (like Ken's glizz but make it BR2049)

∘₊✧─────────────────────��₊∘

K appreciates nothing more than these blissfully warm moments, waking up with you laid half on top of him, weighing him down like a… what was it you’d called it? Ah yes, a comfort blanket. And comfort, it most certainly was.

At first he’d likened being close to you with realising the sensation of snow against his skin was actually kind of pleasant if he paid attention to it. Both filled him with a soothing sort of wonder after an initial period of apprehension. The kind of feeling one might experience upon discovering there is more to life and being able to start actually experiencing and enjoying it.

But the longer this went on – that is, you, staying – the more it began to feel like something else that K couldn’t quite place. Over time, you’d helped him recognise that the new, satisfying feeling he was being faced with was called home. Feeling at home. He liked the sound of that. It sounded permanent. And safe.

And he does feel safe with you. He feels safe to explore who he is, rather than what he was expected to be. He feels safe sleeping with you pressed to him in only his underwear, otherwise exposed, yet waking up calm and relaxed as rain beats down against his windows, distorting the neon glow from the city outside that lights up his room far more than the dull glow of morning sun. He wishes these moments could last forever, and in some ways, he supposes, they do.

There were other feelings you’d helped him to fully grasp too, of course. Some of them were difficult to sit with, and K had been glad to put a name to them and to know he wasn’t alone in experiencing them, that you were there to support him. And some were rather more… physical. Thrilling. He was exceptionally glad you were there to help him explore those feelings too.

And sometimes, all these intense and newly tangible feelings combine into a rush of emotions and sensations and it’s the most alive K has ever felt.

This morning, he feels alive, too. And he feels content.

He’d slept as well as ever with you draped over him, his arms resting comfortably around your torso with one hand up in your hair, fingertips stroking soothing circles against your scalp as you fell asleep first and then, as your breathing slowed to a steady snore, he fell too.

He has no intention of rushing to do anything today, or of thinking ahead to what might need to be done. For now, K just wants to enjoy you. He absentmindedly begins to drag those affectionate fingertips in gentle patterns over your skin, unknowingly leaving shivers in their wake.

When you eventually stir against his chest, your fingernails scrape pleasantly at his sides – he feels alive, he thinks again – and you shift yourself to look up at him with a soft smile, he feels his heart beat just a little faster in his chest and his lips curl into a smile, too. He all but stops breathing when, without a word, you pull yourself up to press your lips to his, beginning what feels like a blissful eternity of slow, languid kisses and tender touches.

At some unknown point, his limbs and yours tangle, and your fingers find their way up to comb through his hair, too. You couldn’t be very much closer; K’s whole world spins and reduces to just this bed, just you, and him.

Something else K appreciates more than he could say is how there is so little need for words between the two of you. Especially since you’ve become a regular fixture in his life, he needs you more than he dares to ask. More than he dares to believe he was meant for. He tries not to think about that.

You understand him, you see, and he’s not sure if that’s unusual or not; whether other people in love (another new experience for him that he isn’t entirely sure he fully grasps yet) just get one another like that without a necessity for constant explanations. But he likes it because it only adds to that feeling of home, of being safe, and, he supposes, of being wanted.

When you kiss him, quick and chaste or intense and passionate or somewhere in between, his stomach seems to flip. Butterflies, you’d called it. You’d said it would probably subside over time and to enjoy it while it lasted, but it never did subside. Not yet anyway.

Your current kissing, although never reducing in intensity, slows gradually to an almost stop. In honesty, you’re still sleepy and not yet ready to face the day, but not tired enough to lie completely still either. And you can never resist him with his hair slightly mussed from sleep and that coy but loved up sparkle in his eyes.

Your lips break apart and you find yourselves face to face on one shared pillow that smells like him — lightly industrial like he carries the air of the city with him, a subtle hint of rain, and musk from the heat of your bodies pressed together while you slept. You take a deep breath to savour him while you’re laid here, just feeling one another’s hot breath against your damp, kiss-swollen lips.

K’s eyes slip closed as you lay tangled together and he feels a pang of embarrassment at the familiar heat pooling in his lower belly. He isn’t sure if you intended this to turn into anything more, and whilst he was truly and completely lost in the pure intimacy of it all, sometimes, he finds, he can’t quite control his arousal. You’ve assured him that it’s perfectly normal plenty of times, but he still feels his face heat up each time he recognises the signs.

You press forward and join your lips to his once again, with a little more vigour than before. Still, it’s semi-weightless and playful, and he feels your lips curl into a smirk against his.

He doesn’t close his eyes, just furrows his brow as concern begins to edge into the periphery of his conscience, ready to consume him. His cock stiffens some more against his will, too, and deep down he knows he can’t actually will his erection away. Especially not with you so close and relishing in him the way you do, lavishing him with affection.

You slide your lips to his jaw, and his eyes flick downward, almost suspicious, trying to follow your movements despite being mostly out of his field of vision, but they finally slip shut again when you move lower and suck lightly against the pulse point in his throat while your hand glides down from his shoulder, tingling over his bare arm and dropping to rest on the soft contour of his waist.

You shuffle yourself further down, beneath the duvet, just the top of your head exposed to him now as you circle a nipple with the tip of your tongue and, feeling his otherwise slow and steady breath catch in his chest, you smile up at him from beneath the quilt, biting your lip. Anticipation, and a question. Sheepishly, K nods, and you slide yourself lower still, hearing a quiet little, ‘Oh,’ escape his throat as you disappear beneath the covers.

It’s warm under here, and you feel the pull of sleep tugging at your consciousness, but you’ve no intention of succumbing to it. Instead you push his hips to position him on his back and settle between his thighs. It's an easy manoeuvre; muscle memory by now, but even so he’s trembling slightly, just like the first time. You can picture his face, burning with desire and uncertainty as to why you’d want to do this with him.

As your fingers curl around the elastic of his plain grey underwear, your eyes are drawn to the small luminous patch of blue that’s formed at the tip of his bulge, leaking beautifully through the thin fabric.

You’d never seen a replicants’ cum before K. He'd blushed profusely when you’d praised him for how pretty it was that first time you brought him off with your hand, pulling your sticky, wet palm out of his trousers with delight and awe written all over your face. When he caught his breath he ashamedly told you it’s a substance called Luminescum. A flavourless, harmless lubricant secreted during sexual encounters and ejaculated at the climax. Although all replicants are built with the ability to produce Luminescum, few ever actually use that ability – aside from pleasure models, of course.

You remember that night with a smile, planning to tell him how pretty it is again later. Maybe you’ll see if he’s got more than one orgasm in him this morning so you can stroke him to another release, talk him through his oversensitive pleasure and see that handsome blush colouring his cheeks again as his eyes squeeze shut and his body shakes through another release he doesn’t think he deserves.

But for now you lazily mouth at his length over the fabric in no hurry at all, taking your time just as you had when you’d made out in almost slow motion just minutes ago. And as much as K is on the same wavelength this morning, he can’t stop his hips bucking up in response to your warm tongue, or his breath turning heavy at the thrill running through him, or his cheeks feeling hot at how eager to please him you always are.

Pulling his underwear down, you clean up his pretty neon precum quickly with your tongue. Despite its impressive glow and colour it really does taste of relatively little. Slightly synthetic is the only way you can think to describe it, but you can never get enough all the same, because it’s him.

You hear him whimper as your palm slides down his length, muffled slightly by the duvet, and you feel him searching for you over it, fingers strong enough to tear the fabric if he wanted to. The thought causes a fresh wave of heat to rush to your core. He’s always so gentle when he touches you, so careful and tender, but he can fuck like a rabid animal when you ask for it, too; can make your toes curl with the snapping of his hips and his low growls and possessive, grabbing fingers.

You lick a warm, firm stripe from the base of his cock to the tip, eliciting another thick pump of that impressive blue, and then take him into your mouth, moaning around him as you suck, slow and steady.

K is feeling far from slow and steady above the covers, however, and he’s thankful you can’t see his face from where you are because he’s a mess; hair stuck to his sweaty forehead, cheeks flushed, mouth agape. He's sure you’d tell him he looks beautiful just like you always do, but it doesn’t stop embarrassment making his head spin. And he knows you can hear him gasping and humming and letting out choked little groans which only adds to the heat spreading over his cheeks.

He’s completely lost in a haze of pleasure until your tongue flicks so deliciously over his tip, and again, and again, before swallowing him back down, and as incredibly sensitive to your touch as he usually is, he just can’t hold off any longer.

He feels his muscles begin to tense and his hips, rolling in time with your movements, stutter, and with a desperate whine, he cums, lukewarm neon spilling down your eager throat as he writhes in the blissful agony of his release above you.

Devouring every last drop of his tasteless, harmless, gorgeous Luminescum, you tuck his softening cock back into his stained, glowing underwear with care, joining him back on the pillow where you immediately let out an involuntary moan at how gorgeously fucked out he looks, his palm still poised at his mouth where he’d bitten down on his knuckles at the height of his pleasure.

He averts his gaze when his eyes flutter open, timid under the heat of your gaze, and for the hundredth time you’re glad he’s not a pleasure model, because where would the fun be if he wasn’t so needy and receptive to you?

‘Good morning,’ you mutter sleepily, lips glowing with a tinge of neon blue that makes his heart race.

He simply curls back into the warmth of your embrace without a word, your arms wrapping around him once again.

Safe and warm and sated. Home.

#not s f w 💀#officer k x reader #officer k #officer k smut #officer k fic #officer k fluff #ryan gosling #ryan gosling x reader #ryan gosling smut #ryan gosling fluff #blade runner 2049 #blace runner 2049 fic #ken-dom writes

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dreambigdreamz · 9 months ago

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assigning LaDS men their TTPD theme songs and specific lyrics

go and open up the entire album with the LaDS in your mind uwu i swear this is too much angst but like not the whole song but vibes <333 someone please write fics on these

Fortnight — Zayne

(I was supposed to be sent away but they forgot to come and get me/ I was a functioning alcoholic till nobody noticed my new aesthetic)

(All my mornings are Mondays stuck in an endless February/ I took the miracle move-on drug, the effects were temporary)

(And for a fortnight there we were together/ Run into you sometimes, comment on my sweater/ Now you’re at the mailbox, turned into good neighbours)

The Tortured Poets Department — Rafayel

(You left your typewriter at my apartment/ Straight from the Tortured Poets Department/ I think some things I’ll never say like “Who uses typewriters anyway?”)

(But you awaken with dread/ Pounding nails in your head/ But I’ve read this one where you come undone/ I chose this cyclone with you)

+ The entire chorus and bridge 💀

(At dinner you take my ring off my middle finger and put it on the one people put wedding rings on/ And that’s the closest I’ve come to my heart explodinggg 🎆 🎆 )

My Boy Only Breaks His Favourite Toys — Xavier

(Oh here we go again/ The voices in his head/ Called the rain to end our days of wild/ The sickest army doll/ Purchased at the mall/ Rivulets descend my plastic smile/ But you should have seen him when he first got me)

(There was a litany of reasons why we could have played for keeps this time/ I know I’m just repeating myself/ Put me back on my shelf/ But first pull the string and I’ll tell you that he runs because he loves me [he loves me ✨ sings in delulu ✨])

(Just say when I’d play again/ He was my best friend down at the sandlot/ I felt more when we played pretend/ Than with all the Kens/ Cuz he took me out of my box)

Down Bad — Sylus

(Did you really beam me up/ In a cloud of sparkling dust?/ Just to do experiments on/ Told me I was the chosen one/ Show me that this world is bigger than us/ Then sent me back where I came from/ For a moment I knew cosmic love)

(Did you take all my old clothes/ Just to leave me here naked and alone?/ In a field in my same old town/ That somehow seems so hollow now/ They’ll say I’m nuts if I talk about the existence of you/ For a moment I was heaven struck)

+ The chorus and bridge like, justlistennn

So Long, London — Rafayel

(I saw in my mind fairy lights through the mist/ I kept calm and carried the weight through the rift/ I pulled him in tighter each time he was drifting away)

(And you say I abandoned the ship/ But I was going down with it/ My white knuckle dying grip/ Holding tight to your quiet resentment)

(You swore that you loved me but where were the clues?/ I died on the altar waiting for the proof/ You sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days/ And I’m just getting color back into my face/ I’m just mad as hell cause I loved this place)

(For so long, London/ Had a good run/ One moment of warm sun/ But I’m not the one/ So long, London/ Stitches undone/ Two graves, one gun/ You’ll find someone ...)

But Daddy, I Love Him — Sylus

(insert the entire song just kidding)

(He was chaos, he was revelry/ Bedroom eyes like a remedy/ Soon enough the elders had convened/ Down at the city hall/ “Stay away from her”/ The saboteurs protested too much/ Lord knows the words we never heard/ Just screeching tires and true love)

(Thinking it can change the beat/ Of my heart when he touches me/ And counteract the chemistry/And undo the destinyyyy/ You ain’t gotta pray for me/ Me and my wild boy and all this wild joy/ If all you want is gray for me/ Then it’s just white noise cuz it’s just my choice)

(I’m telling him to floor it through the fences/ No, I’m not coming to my senses/ I know he’s crazy but he’s the one I want)

Oh Lord I haven’t listened to Fresh Out The Slammer 💀

Florida!!! — Sylus

(The hurricane with my name when it came/ I got drunk and I dared it to wash me away/ Barricaded in the bathroom with a bottle of wine/ Well, me and my ghosts, we had a hell of a time/ Yes, I’m haunted but I’m feeling just fine)

(Little did you know/ Your home’s really only the town you’ll get arrested/ So you pack your life away/Just to wait out the shitstorm back in Texas)

(I need to forget, so take me to Florida/ I’ve got some regrets, I’ll bury them in Florida/ Tell me I’m despicable, say it’s unforgivable/ What a crash, what a rush, fuck me up, Florida/ It’s one hell of a drug)

Guilty as Sin? — Zayne

(My boredom’s bone deep/ This cage was once just fine/ Am I allowed to cry?/ I dream of cracking locks/ Throwing my life to the wolves/ Or the ocean rocks/ Crashing into him tonight/ He’s a paradox/ I’m seeing visions, am I bad?/ Or mad? Or wise?)

this is literally MC in Zayne cards no question no judging we love our personal rocking chair babe

(I keep recalling things we never did/ Messy top lip kiss/How I long for our trysts/ Without ever touching his skin/ How can I be guilty as sin?)

Who’s Afraid Of Little Old Me? — Rafayel(?)

Just vibes.

I Can Fix Him (No Really I Can) — Sylus

(The smoke cloud billows out of his mouth like a freight train through a small town/ The jokes that he told at the bar were revolting and far too loud)

(They shake their heads saying “God help her” when I tell ‘em he’s my man/ But your good Lord doesn’t need to lift a finger/ I can fix him, no really, I can/ And only I can)

(The dopamine races cross his brain like a six-plane Texas highway/ His hands, so calloused from his pistol, softly traces hearts on my face/ And I can see it from a mile away/ A perfect case for my certain skills set/ He had a halo of the highest grade/ He just hadn’t met me yet)

(Good boy, that’s right/ Come close, I’ll show you heaven if you’ll be an angel all night/ Trust me, I can handle me a dangerous man)

Did I just type out the entire song oop-

loml — Rafayel

(Who’s gonna stop us from waltzing back into rekindled flames?/ If we know the steps anyway/ We embroidered the memories of the time I was away/ Stitching “We were just kids, babe”/ I said “I don’t mind, it takes time”/ I thought I was better safe than starry eyed/ I felt a glow like this, never before and never since)

(Who’s gonna tell me the truth when you blew in with the winds of fate/ And told me I reformed you/ When your impressionist paintings of heaven turned out to be fake/ Well, you took me to hell, too/ And all at once, the ink bleeds/ A con-man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme/ I felt a hole like this, never before and ever since)

(You shit talked me under tables, talking rings and talking cradles/ I wish I could un-recall how we almost had it all/ Dancing phantoms on the terrace/ Are they second-hand embarrassed? That I can’t get out of bed/ Cuz something counterfeit’s dead)

I Can Do It With A Broken Heart — Xavier

(There in her glittering prime/ The lights refract sequined stars off her silhouette every night/ I can show you lies ✨ )

(Cuz I’m a real tough kid/ I can handle my shit/ They said “Babe you gotta fake it till you make it” and I did/ Lights, camera, bitch smile/ Even when you wanna die/ He said he’d love me all his life/ But that life was too short/ Breaking down I hit the floor/ All the pieces of me shattered as the crowd was chanting more)

(I’m so depressed I act like it’s my birthdayyy everyday/ I’m so obsessed with him but he avoids me like a plague/ I cry a lot but I am so productive, it’s an art/ You know you’re good when you can even do it with a broken heart ✨ )

The Smallest Man Who Ever Lived

umm…. imma be saving this for later because …. we can all sense a betrayal of smth coming right? or is it just my bestfriend’s pessimistic arse again—

The Alchemy — Sylus 💯

(What if I told you I’m back?/ The hospital was a drag/ Worst sleep that I ever had/ I circled you on a map/ I haven’t come around in so long/ But I’m coming back so strong)

(So when I touch down/ Call the amateurs and cut ‘em from the team/ Ditch the clowns, get the crown/ Baby, I’m the one to beat/ Cuz the sign on your heart said it’s still reserved for me/ Honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?)

(Where’s the trophy? He just comes running over to me.) — please let us take a moment to appreciate how sweet this line was, even in TS standards

The Black Dog — Sylus

(I move through the world with a heart broken/ My longing stays unspoken/ And I may never open up the way I did to you/ And all of those best laid plans/ You said I needed a brave man/ Then proceeded to play him until I believed it too)

(Six weeks of breathing clean air/ I still miss the smoke/ Were you making fun of me with some esoteric joke?/ Now I want to sell my house and set fire to all my clothes/ And hire a priest to come and exorcise my demons/ Even if I die screaming/ And I hope you hear it)

imgonnagetyouback — Sylus

(Whether I’m gonna be your wife or gonna smash up your bike, I haven’t decided yet/ But I’m gonna get you back/ Whether I’m gonna curse you out or take you back to my house, I haven’t decided yet/ But I’m gonna get you back)

(Bygones will be bygone eras fading into gray/ We broke all the pieces but still want to play the game/ Told my friends I hate you but I love you just the same/ Pick your poison, babe, I’m poison either way)

The Albatross — Rafayel

(Wise men once said wild winds are death to the candle/ A rose by any other name is a scandal/ Locked me up in towers but I'd visit in your dreams/ And they tried to warn you about me)

(Cross your thoughtless heart/ Only liquor anoints you/ She’s the albatross/ She is here to destroy you/ Devils that you know/ Raise worse hell than a stranger/ She’s the death you chose/ And all this terrible danger)

(And when that sky rains fire on you/ And you're persona non grata/ I'll tell you how I've been there too/ And that none of it matters)

hands down the best fitting song and ship by far aaand we’re gonna be getting some zayne angst for the next few ones

Chloe or Sam or Sophia or Marcus — Zayne

(If you wanna break my cold, cold heart/ Just say “I loved you the way that you were”/ If you wanna tear my world apart just say you’ve always wondered)

(If the glint in my eye traced the depths of your sigh/ Down that passage in time back to the moment I crashed into you/ Like so many wrecks do/ Too impaired by my youth/ To know what to do)

How Did It End? — Zayne

(We hereby conduct this post-mortem/ He was a hothouse flower to my outdoorsmen/ Our maladies were such we could not cure them/ And so his touch that was my birthright became foreign)

(Say it once again with feeling/ How the death rattle breathing/ Silenced as the soul was leaving/ The deflation of our dreaming/ Leaving me bereft and reeling/ My beloved ghost and me/ Sitting in a tree D-Y-I-N-G )

So High School — Xavier

(I feel so high school every time I look at you/ I wanna find you in a crowd just to hide from you 💖)

(And in a blink of a crinkling eye/ I’m sinking, our fingers entwined and cheeks pink in the twinkling lights/ Tell me ‘bout the first time you saw me/ I’ll drink what you think, and I’m high from smoking your jokes all damn night/ The brink of a wrinkle in time/ Bittersweet sixteen suddenly)

I Look In People’s Windows — Zayne

At this point I’m cutting onions for Zayne’s story. Maybe other albums will have better song choices for my babe 🥹🙏

(I had died the tiniest death/ I spied the catch in your breath/ Out, out, out, out, out, out/ North bound I got carried away as you boarded your train/ South, south, south, south, south, south/ A feather taken by the wind blowing/ I’m afflicted by the not knowing so)

(I look in people’s windows/ Transfixed by rose golden glows/ They have their friends over to drink nice wine/ I look in people’s windows In case you’re at their table/ What if your eyes looked up and met mine/ One more time)

(You had stopped and tilted your head/ I still ponder what it meant now, now/ Now, now, now, now/ I tried searching faces on streets/ What are the chances you'd be downtown, downtown, downtown/ Does it feel alright to not know me?/ I’m addicted to the ‘if only’)

The Prophecy — Zayne

(Hand on the throttle/ Thought I caught lightning in a bottle/ Oh, but it's gone again/ And it was written/ I got cursed like Eve got bitten/Oh, was it punishment?)

(Please, I’ve been on my knees/ change the prophecy/ Don’t want money/ Just someone who wants my company/ Let it once be me/ Who do I have to speak to, about if they can redo the prophecy?)

I will cry if the creators don’t give at least one happy ending to one of them

Peter — Xavier

(The goddess of Timing once found us beguiling/ She said she was trying, Peter, was she lying?/ My ribs get the feeling she did/ And I didn’t wanna come down/ We said it was just goodbye for now)

(And sometimes it gets me/ When crossing your jet stream/ We both did the best we could do underneath the same moon/ In different galaxies)

(And I won’t confess that I waited but I let the lamp burn/ As the men masqueraded/ I hoped you’d return with your feet on the ground/ Tell me all that you’ve learned/ Cuz love’s never lost when perspective is earned)

The Bolter — Sylus

(He was a cad, wanted her bads/ Just like any good trophy hunter/ And she likes the way it tastes/ Taming a bear, making him care/ Watching him jump then pulling him under/ And at first blush, this is fate/ When it's all roses, portrait poses/ Central Park Lake in tiny rowboats/ What a charming Saturday/ That’s when she sees the littlest leaks/ Down in the floorboards/ And she just knows/ She must bolt)

Robin — Xavier

(Strings tied to levers, slowed down clocks tethered/ All this showmanship/ To keep it, for you/ In sweetness/ Way to go tiger/ Higher and higher/ Wilder and lighter/ For you)

(You got the dragonflies above your bed/ You have a favorite spot on the swing set/ You have no room in your dreams for regrets/ You have no idea/ The time will arrive for the cruel and the mean/ You’ll learn to bounce back just like your trampoline/ But now we’ll curtail your curiosity)

The Manuscript — Rafayel

(Now and then she rereads the manuscript/ Of the entire torrid affair/ They compared their licenses He said, “I’m not a donor but I’d give you my heart if you needed it”/ She rolled her eyes and said “You're a professional”/ He said, “No, just a good samaritan”)

(The only thing that’s left is the manuscript/ One last souvenir from my trip to your shores/ Now and then I reread the manuscript/ But the story isn’t mine anymore)

Yes I left out Clara Bow, I Hate It Here, thanK you aIMee and Cassandra. These are really amazing songs, very TS girl-coded and we stan all the lyrics <3 they just didn’t particularly fit oh oh maybe

Clara Bow — Sylus

(This town is fake but you’re the real thing/ Breath of fresh air through smoke rings/ Take the glory, give everything/ Promise to be dazzling/ The crown is stained but you’re the real queen/ Flesh and blood amongst war machines/ You’re the new god we’re worshiping/ Promise to be dazzling)

I Hate It Here — Zayne

(I hate it here so I will go to secret gardens in my mind/ People need a key to get to/ The only one is mine/ I read about it in a book when I was a precocious child/ No mid-sized city hopes and small town fears/ I’m there most of the year cuz I hate it here)

(I hate it here so I will go to lunar valleys in my mind/ When they found a better planet, only the gentle survived/ I dreamt about it in the dark the night I felt like I might die)

thanK you aIMee — Xavier

(All that time you were throwing punches, I was building something/ And I couldn’t wait to show you it was real/ Screamed “thanK you aIMee” to the nightsky and the stars are stunning/ And our town, it looks so small from way up here)

Cassandra — Rafayel

(I was in my new house placing daydreams/ Patching up the crack along the wall/ I pass it and lose track of what I’m saying/ Cuz that’s where I was when I got the call)

(I was in my tower weaving nightmares/ Twisting all my smiles into snarls/ They say, “What doesn’t kill you makes you aware”/ What happens if it becomes who you are?)

#lads #love and deepspace #lnds #lads rafayel #lads zayne #lads xavier #lads sylus #love and deep space #ttpd #taylor swift ttpd #lnds rafayel #lnds zayne #lnds xavier #lnds sylus #dreambigdreamz

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cantevenbeachhere · 3 months ago

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Dear Ken Diary,

You know what I wanna experience? I don’t know if I’d like it, but I still want to see what it’s like.

A thunderstorm.

It sounds kinda scary, but I still can’t help but be curious about it. Apparently the sky makes booming noises louder than drums, and lightning like on my headband flashes across the sky and lights up everything like the sun would. And it rains. It rains like a lot. I think that would be neat to experience all by itself.

Apparently Ordinary Barbie says rain can be soothing, and Weird Barbie says sometimes it’s better to sleep to the sound of rain than anything else. I think it’s pretty great to sleep to the sound of Ocean, but that’s just me.

And rain is like super important for like plants and animals and like all of life! It’s just kinda strange that Barbie Land doesn’t have rain but we get our water elsewhere. I guess like a desert or something, right? Except we’re totally not a desert. We’re waaaaay cooler than that.

I should write to Barbie and ask her what rain is like. Maybe she’ll let me know when it’s gonna happen next so I can experience it for myself. You think she’d do that?

I asked Scientist Barbie about rain and thunderstorms and weather, and she gave me a really big answer where some of it made sense and some of it didn’t. Actually like a lot of it didn’t. But she still made me more curious about it. Also like I asked where we get our water, and she said lakes and snow from different parts of Barbie Land. Pretty crazy, right?

You know what I don’t wanna experience though? Anything bigger than a thunderstorm. Apparently there’s like a lot of really big, crazy kinds of weather stuff in the Real World. I learned about some of that too from Scientist Barbie. Things like winds and clouds that spin, waves that get as high as buildings, and even things where the ground cracks! It sounds really, really crazy!

#ken with a clicky pen #rain #rainstorm #thunder #thunderstorm #ordinary barbie #weird barbie #scientist barbie #real world #weather

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thenixkat · 6 months ago

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chapter 53: We became a family

Jiji starts thrashing around against the exorcism and yells at them to stop. Jiji said they cant kill the baby he promised to play with it

like i get it, but also it keeps trying to murder everyone Now Momo's getting hit with Evil Eye's backstory while trying to hold down Jiji

Like Jiji is instructed to start training his ki powers after this to try and see if he can keep himself from transforming/prevent Evil Eye from rampaging on his own power but like Jiji, pls, the baby is dangerous and doesn't want to compromise RIP to everyone for caring too much

that's a nice sentiment but the spirit wont give yall the time to negotiate

Aira has a point they cant watch Jiji forever to make sure no one gets killed if he transforms just cause Jiji's caught up in his feelings and doesnt want to get rid of the murder ghost

at least Jiji does feel bad about his request. Cause he can't handle killing off the baby that was done dirty but also doesnt want anyone to get murdered by Evil Eye

Ken and Momo just resolve to get stronger so they can help Jiji keep his promise to Evil Eye without anyone getting hurt

still not a great plan

and then its starts raining and Evil Eye immediately tries to murder everyone

that's apparently Evil Eye's thanks for not killing it. just murder on sight Seiko starts training Jiji to use his own spiritual power to help with the problem

that is certainly decent incentive to learn how to use yer powers

ok as much as I like what's going on, Evil Eye feels so fucking flat in this arc and like not as smart as it felt last arc also, this is the first time its properly kinda free why isnt it interested in experiencing things its never gotten to experience before?

like it can still be on murder time but like why isnt it also interested in feeling the rain or tasting good food? it could spare a few seconds to let fuckers let their guard down and experience more also why arent we seeing any more internal conversations between Jiji and Evil Eye? We know they can communicate in Jiji's mindscape while he's unconscious and i bet he'd be able to do it while meditating. I want to see them talk and see Jiji try to negotiate with the thing

#nix meows #nix reads comics #dandadan #jin enjoji #dandadan evil eye #jiji enjoji

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tsandoverwhelmed · 1 year ago

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just a little Carrie-Bradshaw-style reflecting on my trip to Chicago in june of 2024:

DAY 1:

realizing 3 hours into our 6-hour trip that i had left my wallet at home.

most of my shit was on my phone, but this meant that i wouldn't be able to get into bars womp womp.

friday night there is a drag show that I want to see, better time than never to get re-familiar to using the metro alone at night.

a man followed me home on the brown line 2 years ago, the closest i've been to violence in a minute.

I go to the drag show and act all cutesy, talked to a door guy, then a bigger door guy, then the guy who owned the bar who told me I could come in if I agreed not to drink :^)

the show was so good, Chicago drag really does it different, but unfortunately I wasn't able to get any singles for tips w/ no physical card :^( but I hooted and hollered and took some really good videos of some beautiful performances.

went home alone on the Metro at night, had to constantly remind myself that my fears and anxieties of being harassed aren't something I'm going to let myself stop me from experiencing things around me! I stayed frosty and watched my back, took selfies in the same window I always do.

DAY 2:

The next day it's up early and we're going to PRIDE. a large part of this trip was going somewhere different for pride rather than experiencing the one hosted in my native St Louis, which receives large sums of money from Boeing which also makes bombs that kill children.

surprisingly the amount of people there does not seem to rival St Louis, at times feeling even smaller than St Louis's downtown pride event. there are three stages, each catering to a different queer experience. the stage for the oldest attendants is a quirked up band playing classic rock covers, the mid-tier stages cover band playing lady gaga katy perry pride classics, and the third stage, near and dear to my heart was house and electronic.

the large crowd was dancing very hard, joyous gay boys all around me, one of them dancing with a small Ken doll that he stuck in my cleavage at one point. we had the Ken doll smoking joints and doing poppers with us it was adorable. I could have stayed and danced forever but it was very hot and sweaty and my friends wanted to go home.

that night it is raining and there is an event happening that I was eager to attend. a club dancey house music event at the drag bar I went to the night previously. ID-less i traveled through the rain in a cute little mesh outfit nervous and eager to convincingly work my way into the bar like I did the night before. in true Shakespearean tragedy there is a different bouncer and a different group organizing the event, it is 21 plus and there is no way I can get in.

feeling dejected and broken, i sit outside of the venue getting rained on recontextualizing my entire life. i think about getting a drink at a bar but feel so neutered by my lack of legal identification, i accept defeat and take a long rainy metro home. that night I sit at home with my friends, we watch sex and the city and i remind myself that the people I came here with are a large part of my experience on this journey, and smoking weed and hearing them laugh fills me with joy that feels the same in every city.

DAY 3:

the next morning we wake up and it's the main reason I came to chicago: The Kathy Osterman gay beach. I've been to this place before and it was fabulous, a soft sanded beach with beautiful views of skyscrapers juxtaposed against vast void of lake Michigan. I eagerly woke up first and bought duncan breakfast for all of us to motivate late morning friends to hit the water with me. the day was spent feeling the love and warmth of my friends as we described what we would look like if we were mermaids and smoked a blunt under the hot sun on the beach.

the day goes on and my friends leave, I get a light cheap lunch and return to the beach for a lakeside drag show. while sitting and taking in the ambience before the show I decide to start reading the book I brought for the trip, Detransition Baby by Torrey Peters. I make it one page in before receiving a text from my friend who recently moved to Chicago telling me that she sees me. I move my towel next to her and we spend time catching up and reflecting on her passage from St Louis to Chicago. I missed hearing her voice and the way that she told jokes, as another trans woman she understands many things about existing here the same way I do and it's relieving to be able to talk to her about this.

the drag show starts and again, I'm floored. euphoric at this identificationless experience in such a natural place, the charming banter from the hosts and the elegant movements of the performers backlit by the warm orange and pink of the Chicago sunset. at the end of the show it is around 8:00, music is playing and I'm walking back and forth in the water hoping that one or two of my Chicago drag crushes might find the confidence to introduce themselves to me, a total stranger who they have never met lmao.

yea that doesn't happen so instead I get on a near-hour-long bus ride to a movie theater showing a late night showing of inside out 2. I'm not quite sure what drove me to this place, but the movie theater has always been a comfortable choice for me to make when I want to be in a community without needing any social pressure.

micro-review of Inside Out 2:

The movie was cute, visually stunning and the plotline was some cute coming of age Pixar Disney nonsense. still brought a tear to my eye during a scene depicting the protagonist having an anxiety attack. I am particularly sensitive to the ways in which modern kids movies depict anxiety, cuz I think it is helping kids a lot in understanding how to process large emotional breakdowns. many of the children I work with experience anxiety attacks to some capacity and I think it's cool that movies are helping kids develop the tools for processing things like that. 3 stars.

long bus ride home around midnight and I feel accomplished with how able I am to get myself around the city independently, even alone at night, and how I manage to have an incredibly fulfilling day without my need for state identification.

DAY 4

the next morning my ID arrives in the mail, having been sent to me by my brand new roommate who is now the coolest person ever. I'm happy to be able to explore Chicago unimpeded.

the next morning we are hitting up andersonville, a cute neighborhood of queer owned shops. spent the day looking at poetry sections in bookstores, and flipping through overpriced high fashion thrift skirts in resale shops. wound up buying a collection of sappho's poetry, I guess being here has me feeling romantic.

My friends leave and I plan on going to a park that I have heard much about, Humboldt Park. as I navigate to what I believe is that, I reach my destination and realize that I have brought myself to Humboldt Park the neighborhood, not the park. no big deal, it's a 36-minute walk and a beautiful sunset day so I decide to walk.

[TW] The next part of the story is hard to share but I feel like it is important to reflect on these experiences. as I'm walking through this neighborhood I hear a loud voice yell behind me. they are yelling "HEY" repeatedly, I keep my head down and don't react or respond. I hear them yell "OH SO IT'S GONNA BE LIKE THAT HUH?" I keep walking and a few blocks later see two young men walk out of an alleyway towards me. they crossed the street to the other side where I am quickly while shouting at me " HEY YOU RIGHT THERE" in a quick panic I rapidly walk forward where I see a group of people selling snow cones and elotes on the street corner. I walk up to them quickly, turn around and the two men approaching me were gone.

now I cannot say that I 100% knew what the intentions of these men were, I cannot say with 100% certainty that they wanted to harass or hurt me, I'm very aware that I have anxieties around these things based on previous experiences. it is very suspicious to me that they disappeared as soon as I was around other people. instead of panicking I took a deep breath and called a lyft to pick me up and take me to my friend's house. I stayed near people until they arrived.

THE BATH HOUSE:

that night I had been invited to an event by my friend at the beach the night before, a trans girl night at a local bath house. I had never been to a bath house before but was eager for new experiences and determined to not let my encounter earlier that day stifle my Chicago experience, so I walked through a light thunderstorm to take a bath with a bunch of gay dudes. this wound up being one of the most empowering and profound experiences I think I've ever had or something like that. luckily arriving at the exact same time as my friend, I was able to have an emotional anchor nearby and someone who could show me the way to the smoke room. after smoking a cigarette for the first time ever, I was feeling comfortable enough to walk to the bath.

i'm now going to describe the four hookups I had that night, [warning if you don't want to read that]

~ the first was a dude named Jay. he approached me very quickly, and while he was not exactly good looking I have always said that confidence is like 99% of the game so I wound up hooking up with him right off the bat. I didn't go back to his room, I told him I wanted to look around. not sure if he would respect my boundaries or not, I was pleasantly surprised that he left me alone.

~ the second was a guy whose name was Mike. he was very shy but very cute, I approached him and he seemed very nervous. we made small talk, he was from out of town too and had never been here before. he confessed to me that he is a virgin. I told him I wasn't trying to have sex that night but I was willing to have fun. he asked me what that meant and I asked him if he wanted to find out. I went back to his room. at one point i ask him if he's ever been with a girl. he says no, then corrects himself "wait, do you mean like a real girl or ?" he didn't last long.

~ the third was a dude whose name I honestly don't remember lmao. he came on to me pretty quick and was honestly very good looking and a bit younger than many of the men who were there. it became very clear to me at a point that he was primarily interested in me doing things to him in crowded rooms while other people watched, which I might have felt a way about normally but Mama was ready to put on a show. eventually all of the attention that we were getting from people around us was a lot so I left and went somewhere else.

~ the fourth dude was named Samir, reminiscent of the first, an older man who was riding almost entirely off of charisma. he was very eager to dote over me and place his hand on my lower back, something the other men seemed to be afraid to do. while he was not very good looking he was very charming, I asked him if he had a room. he didn't, but offered to buy one for us, I told him that wasn't necessary. he wound up taking me to a bathroom. I'm going to leave it there, but I'll say that dude was eager.

BONUS: following this encounter I'm using a drinking fountain that has mouthwash in it, when a young trans girl next to me asks me how my night is going. I had seen lots of girls walking around that night, but most of them were either in small clicks with each other or talking to one of their many suitors. this girl's name was Christina. she began our conversation by talking about how this event has made her realize she is much more interested in women than men. we spent a lot of time talking and laughing, she had a tattoo on her thigh that was an abstract a depiction of 9/11. told me she was kind of a conspiracy theorist, I started talking to her about how I was certain that aliens were real. the friend who told me about the event joined us in conversation at one moment and the three of us all began talking about our wildest conspiracy theories. this was a real moment of trans girl love and I hope that girl is doing well. she was cute as fuck and was wearing a leash the whole time. I'm just saying.

the end of the night I leave, it is around midnight and I navigate home, reading small portions of sappho's poetry whenever I'm waiting for my stop. feeling deeply connected to this city and of the queer culture in it. the bath house was an incredibly empowering experience, after having many bad experiences with male attention in my life, some very recent, it felt so divinely beautiful to be able to walk through a room and feel men praising me. feel men looking with desire at my hips and breasts. being in a space that allowed me to take ownership over my relationship to male attention was something I really greatly benefited from. I was on the fence about going to this event during a thunderstorm but I'm grateful that I chose to experience.

DAY 5:

the next morning my friends and I get brunch at a Mexican restaurant, the best meal I've eaten all week. spinach green onion feta cheese frittatas with street corn.

i take a very large amount of LSD and go to the contemporary art museum. on the metro I'm finally starting to read Detransition Baby, The story is beautifully written and it's a very clear why people compare this book to Stone Butch Blues. the contemporary art museum has a teacher discount and is incredibly gorgeous, the exhibitions are stunning. I feel at home in an art museum in any city, in Chicago's dedication to art is so present in their art museums. beautiful video art displays and exhibits on form and human body shape.

i run home quickly, change into my swimsuit and head to the beach for a "trans girl beach night" organized by the same group that organized the event at the bath house the night prior. I metro out to the beach, I've never been here at night before in the view of the twinkling buildings over the dark reflective Waters of lake Michigan was divine.

i find it hard to talk to any of the other trans girls who are there. many of them seem to already be in an existing group of friends and know each other deeply, it's hard as someone from out of town to feel comfortable walking into a group of people and saying hi. I'm also still tripping quite a lot at this point. I wind up spending a lot of the night wading around in the cool waters and admiring the stars above me, shining skyscrapers around me, and sounds of trans women laughing and smoking cigarettes on the beach. I'm attempting to decide whether I should stay longer or go home and rest before traveling home, and two girls next to me are just going at it. unfortunately their proximity to me is separating me from the rest of the group so I can't even look at the other attendees there without getting an eyeful of these two girls going to town. at one point one of the organizers, an artist I recognize, tells the two girls they can't do that on the blanket they are on, as it belong to somebody else. they loudly complain, to which the organizer tells them "I don't know what you want me to say, it's someone else's blanket!" at this point I can hear the Larry David music playing and I decided it is time to go home.

walking through the park at night, many dark bushes corridors and alleyways around me, I reflect on my relationship to my personified boogeyman in my head. he bears the face of the man who followed me 2 years ago, and if I look into any dark alleyway long enough I start to see the shape of him. maybe some version of this man has lived with me my entire life, but a large part of my trip to Chicago was proving to myself that i'm not going to have my life be confined or agoraphobic from the fears of others' harassment.

i'm writing all of this as I walk home from the Metro, my ass and tits are covered in sand and I'm picking up snacks for my friends on the way home. this trip has done a lot for me, and maybe it's just the Carrie-Bradshaw-Sex-and-the-City of it all, but I wanted to spend some time reflecting on the experiences I had here. someday I will be older and it will be hard to experience as much of the world as I can right now. I can hear the voice of the 100-year-old-ancient-grandma version of myself, telling me to go out and go and feel the city as much as I can while I can.

I love being in cities, I love being around people, I love bright lights loud sounds and neon signs, I love hearing others laugh kiki lovingly with each other, I love being in queer spaces and around trans community,

I love how the Moon is visible no matter where I am.

#diary #chicago

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tayloranalyst · 1 year ago

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My boy only breaks his favourite toys is about cheating (a theory)

I will preface this the same way I plan to preface all my posts. These are my personal opinions and how I view the song. I don’t like to think too much about what ex Taylor wrote this about because I think the meaning of her songs are deeper than that and I believe she writes them to mean different things to different people. Please don’t come for me I am sensitive 💃🏻 also I wrote this on my phone and am dyslexic SORRY

#MBOBHFT #taylorswift #taylor #swift #analysis #songmeaning #review #ttpd #torturedpoetsdepartment #swiftie

I see this song as a heartbreaking comparison of loosing someone you love to cheating and depression to a toy being broken and discarded on the shelf after their child has found a better one to play with. Taylor infantilises her ex partner while also describing herself as a broken plastic Barbie Toy.

“The voices in his head called the rain to end our days of wild”

The voices in her partners head called the rain, the same way negative thoughts bring depression. Taylor seems to reference a severely depressed partner throughout the album, linking song together. I will post about how each song links together (for me) soon.

“The sickest army doll purchased at the mall. Rivulets descend my plastic smile”

I don’t believe Taylor is describing herself here because if she were a toy being purchased from the mall why would she cry? I think this is referencing the partner bringing another “toy” or person home.

“My boy only breaks his favourite toys. I’m queen of sandcastles he destroys”

Obviously she is referencing herself being broken by what has just happened. I believe she talks about a sandcastle to convey her fragility. Perhaps the partner wasn’t even cheating but perhaps she was just so fragile, like a sand castle, that seeing her boy with another toy broke her.

“Cause it fit too right. Puzzle pieces in the dead of night”

It took me a while to come to a conclusion on this one. I believe the imagery describes the way that they both lay together at night, fitting perfectly together, but perhaps this was exclusive to the night. I wonder if she is trying to say things were only perfect when they were in bed together.

“Put me back on my shelf but first, pull my string. I’ll tell you he runs because he loves me. You should have seen him when he first saw me”

This described her toy being put back on the shelf, broken and bruised, but still adamant that she is his favourite toy.

This is obviously in line with denial.

“Just say when, I’d play again. He was my best friend down at the sandlot. I felt more when we played pretend than with all the Ken’s”

In the last line she talks about playing with the other Ken’s, which I think means she’s describing herself as being a feminine toy or a Barbie (I could be wrong this is biased to my experience).

We also see the theme of denial playing out again here. Her boy has gone off to play with a new toy but she still wants to play again. She breaks character implicitly with “he was my best friend” as if she’s now so angry she can’t keep the metaphor going.

“He took me out of my box. Stole my tortured heart. Left these broken parts.”

I believe this is referencing her loss of youth and innocence to the relationship which she discusses in other songs on the album. It’s as if she’s now trying to re-sell herself as a “used” toy.

Taylor if you ever read this you are always a genius! I hope - if anyone reads this - you found my perspective interesting. Post what you do or don’t agree with down below! I’d love to hear it!

#taylor swift #taylornation #swifties #mbobhft #analysis #album review #ttpd #ts ttpd #the tortured poets department #poetry

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aeterna-auroral-avenger · 7 days ago

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✍🏻WIP Thursday Wednesday✍🏻

Thanks for the tag @kyberinfinitygems I know this is late, but it's at least proof I haven't forgotten my current projects lol

So for my Niles Crane, girl dad project:

Niles looked at the calendar on the wall with May 18th circled with the bold strokes of a pink highlighter and two birthday hat stickers covering the majority of the day’s square. He could not fathom it. Where on Earth had the time even gone? It didn’t seem plausible that in seventeen days it would be the big day at last. Katie and Mia would be one year old! “The days are long, but the years are short,” he mulled to himself as he continued to stare at the date, though he was hardly observing it now. His gaze had glazed over now as memories danced in his mind. But the memories retreated almost as quickly as they came when he heard a whimper come from the monitor sitting on the table nearby. He was already on the move when he heard from both the monitor and the room not far away, “Mamaaaaaaa. Daaaaaaaaaa.” It never ceased to amaze Niles how even before he got the visual confirmation - or even the audible confirmation from hearing the term “Da” - he was able to distinguish the whimper came from Katie rather than her sister.

For my Kenpals project:

The rain had stopped by this point though thunder rolled lazily and lightly in the distance. Ken had made sure to soak up as much time as he could playing in the rain, not letting a single moment go to waste, for he had a feeling this was a precious experience he wouldn’t get again any time soon. And besides, he’d never have a first time in the rain again. Much to his dismay, the rain did eventually pass, and he returned to the little pavilion where Sasha was waiting for him. Gloria and Barbie were making their way over, and that’s when the former doll and current doll met and stared at each other. Once they finally said hi to each other, Ken said, “I didn’t know you were here until I saw you. I was expecting to see a pink car over there with the others.” Barbie giggled in reply; she should have expected a comment like that. “No, I don’t have a pink car. They don’t really make those here, and painting it pink costs a lot. I’m not ready to spend that on a pink car yet. But still, I didn’t drive here anyway, so you can’t see my car from here.” “Oh! Oh,” he frowned at that. Barbie without a pink car was an odd thought. It didn’t really sound right to him. And something as simple as painting a car costs a lot? That didn’t really make sense either.

no pressure tags: @sobeautifullyobsessed @gender-kenvy @lostinwildflowers @edelweissrevived and whoever else wants to

#tb writes stuff #tb got tagged #tag game #kyberinfinitygems #wip wednesday

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anamelessfool · 2 years ago

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Pretty please pour us a glass of hot takes to get us through the cold night

Yay I hope you enjoyed your milk and cookies, nonny, thanks for visiting 💕

I want to preface a hot takes post with a clear mention that the goal of hot takes is to perhaps provide an insight or consideration the reader has never thought about before. Copia and the gang can (and should) be any way we want them to be-- he's our Ken after all. Take my take or leave it. Everything is valid.

Neglect =\= mean personality. I have a hard time understanding a cruel, actively mean Nihil. I find him sorta dopey and self-centered in a way that a dopey meathead can be. I think he loves his progeny a whole lot, he is just totally blind to everyone except himself. He doesn't really listen when they talk, or support them in emotional times. He's cheerful and paper thin. And in a lot of ways, I think having a parent like that is a whole lot worse. You can't fault them because they appear nice and supportive but are they really???? Haha buddy, I have no experience in having a parent like that, no sir!

Another consideration: all our blorbos are older, a lot older. Which is refreshing! And also means that they have had years of growth and setbacks. They've had several worst days and best days. They've overcome hardships and tried on multiple different ways of living. How would all of these eras affect them now? What lessons did they learn, or beliefs they've unlearned over the years? I'm not that old but I've reinvented myself several times. There's something at sixteen that I experienced that I thought was the end of the world, but I barely remember it now, and something that happened to me when I was six that was seared into my belief system forever. Some things stick and some things fade away. It's ok to have a character that has overcome things and years stand between that moment and now. I find it actually a lot more interesting to read a character like that. I encourage you to write a big backstory for Blorbo! Yes even if it's not canon!

And now ☕☕☕☕☕☕☕

My biggest hot take of them all is that I hate hate hate hate the steampunk top hat. Like aggressively. I see it and it ruins it for me! Steampunk in general I don't like at all, I find the aesthetic to be just that, all form but very little hint at function. But I will bite my tongue and be supportive of my husband in his little steampunk hat that he loves so very very much. I do not want to rain on his steampunk parade even though steampunk as an aesthetic was overdone by 2010

#thanks for listening to my rant hehe #ghost fandom #the band ghost

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newzealandmozsombi · 3 months ago

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Going full circle (kinda)

After 1,5 days in the library in Kaikōura I was keen to move on but the weather was pretty unpredictable/rainy so I took the only option that seemed reasonable and I drove to Hanmer Springs, a small town in the mountains famous for its geothermal pools, to spend a day soaking in hot water. Based on reddit comments it seemed like it’s cool to sit in the hot pools while it’s cold outside and is raining so I thought I’d give that a go. It was a 2 hour drive and google maps decided to be funny and take me through some gravel roads in the middle of nowhere, not sure if that was because I took a short detour to a gas station or what..Anyway, by the time I made it to Hanmer Springs I could see blue skies and it was relatively warm outside which I knew from previous experience that it’s not the best setting for sitting in hot pools. Fortunately it got cloudy again but still, it felt nearly comfortable walking around in swimming shorts, like I was really expecting/hoping for some colder weather. The hot pools were kinda cool, lots of options, (most of them were too warm for me though, water temperatures ranging from 30 all the way to 40 with 2-3 degree increments) quite a lot of people. Although I felt like I would’ve liked to do this after a long hike/bike ride it was still the best option I had (or that I could come up with), after months of not reading anything other than Harry Potter I was finally able to pick up a Ken Wilber book again which was nice, had there not been so many sandflies, trying to eat my shoulder while sitting in the pool, I would’ve stayed longer (I took my ebook “into” the pool with me).

The forecast looked rainy for the night so I booked a bed in a pretty expensive hostel in town which turned out wasn’t that necessary but in the end I can never really feel regret after spending a night indoors, it was a pretty nice wooden lodge with a room for 5, super quiet, maybe even a bit too quiet, the host (a 45+ japanese woman) was the only talkative person, there was a german guy staying there who walked around exclusively with headphones so there wasn’t much of a chance to start a conversation. The next day was supposed to be sunny both in Hanmer Springs and also further down south so I decided to head back to the Mount Hutt area where I started my whole journey after I had left Christchurch back at the end of January.

Mt. Hutt is a ski resort area plus has a cool bike park where I knew I wanted to ride again. It was a 3 hour drive and on my way I stopped to check out a place that is famous for its pies (and was recommended by Andrea back when we first met). Finally, (after having had a mediocre experience in Otago at another pie place) this one lived up to the hype! I had a vegetarian one, filled with what I assumed to be carrots, sweet potato, maybe beens and either sour cream or a soft cheese, it was super duper tasty! Couldn’t hold myself back, had to get a sweet one too, that was filled with some super artificial blueberry sauce but it was still amazing.

After getting to Mt. Hutt I went for, what turned out to be, one long lap, I climbed to the top of the trails (750m up). The last bit was pretty cruel, a super streep 4WD road that is doable on an E-bike, or with iron legs but mine gave in less than halfway up the road haha. Still, even with a stupid headache it was so worth it, the trail that starts from the top was super fun, rocky, tech, fast on the top lots of turns on at the bottom, after finishing it I decided that it was worth straight up pushing back up for another lap but 5 min in a super nice dude (a hunter actually) picked me up and gave me a lift in his pick up truck, almost to the very top which was much appreciated.

From the bottom of this trail which is like only the first 1/3 of the whole way down it was not as much fun as it rained a lot in the past couple of days and the more trees appeared the more muddy the trails were due to drying way slower than the trail on the top which was in the bush. Nonetheless it was a fun ride and I am definitely going back there tomorrow!

Last night I stayed at a campsite in Methven (where I am also staying tonight). The campsite is pretty nice, has a huge indoor area with a kitchen, pool tables, table tennis etc, perfect for a rainy day. Met a girl from the US last night who is doing the TA (long multi week hike crossing the whole country, both islands from north to south, or the other way around), had a good chat over dinner as well as during breakfast this morning. Oh it just came to mind, last night the sirens in town were going off for much longer than what seems normal and after a min or so I was looking out the window to see if people are panicking and I should do so too or not but everyone seemed pretty relaxed so I thought that if someone comes in screaming I’ll probably join otherwise it should be fine. As it turned out, it was fine, not sure what was the reason for the sirens (I know that in some towns they go off if the fire department is alerted so it doesn’t have to be an earthquake or a huge forest fire to get the sirens going). I am having a rest day today as the weather was pretty gloomy in the morning and I thought I’d rather wait for the trails to dry another day then get totally muddy again. I woke up really late after what felt like the most restful sleep of the past few weeks, did some googling about Canada - transport in the morning, wrist exercises and whatnot. An older kiwi couple came inside to play pool and were in a really chatty mood so I decided to go for a walk after a while cause it was just too much. They complimented my star wars tattoo which was nice though haha (the guy is covered in tattoos almost head to toe). Had a nice walk in town reconnecting with some friends via voice messages which lead to some long overdue journaling. Long story short it’s been a pretty productive, as well as introspective day so I am very glad that it turned out this way. Made some plans about the next week as well, got a few final riding and hiking spots I wanna tick off, I hope the weather is willing to cooperate…

This town (Methven) is signifcant because when I came here from Christchurch (when I started this trip back at the end of January) and had to stay at a hostel for 2 or 3 nights due to bad weather (and because I was terrified of the whole sleeping in the car idea), but on the first sunny day I was able to visit Edoras, the first LOTR location (for me) and I distinctly remember the feeling I got when I was driving through the town and I first saw the mountains and I felt this sense of adventure and I finally felt like I want to be here, I want to do this and I am excited. So in the end this was the place that gave me that first positive boost that I will probably never forget so it is really nice to be back here and see how much I’ve seen and experienced in these past 2,5 months, it feels like I am much older and in a way wiser. So yeah, it just feels like going full circle (although technically Christchurch is gonna be the spot for that). Also, I went for the 2nd proper bike ride here which also feels significant as I rode some of those trails again yesterday and of course on the uphill already I felt way fitter than I was and was an amazing feeling to experience and just became aware of all the progress I’ve made. That being said certain wrist movements are still not how they were before the accident so I still get pretty grumpy and actually a bit devastated about that…But on that note it seems like I have been able to build back the muscles into my lower arm, it doesn’t look as skinny as it did 3 months ago so I am pretty stoked on that. I kinda like how up and down this blog entry is, just like life, could have made it sound like it’s all jolly great and nothing bad or uncomfortable ever happens but that’s not how life is. Life is all of it. The ups and the downs. The “fck why is this stupid wrist still not moving 90 degrees this way?” and the “oh cool, it doesn’t look so weak anymore” as well. I’m gonna leave you with that.

Obligatory song recommendation:

Sleep Token - Caramel

This was an easy one. I’ve been pretty obsessed with this band the past two years and they just released this single yesterday and I love it! The way they can blend metal with other genres like r&b and pop is just second to none, it goes from a poppy kinda catchy to incredibly dark and heavy not to mention that the world caramel is included in the lyrics in such a sensual way that blows my mind..

#workingholiday #newzealand #Spotify

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the-firebird69 · 10 months ago

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The sun is exhausted from not sleeping a full night you got about 7 and 1/2 hours which is not bad but that includes 3 hours in the early evening last night so it wasn't the greatest but he did feel better you can probably sleep right now but make him move and yeah much longer all of them don't

--it's a huge day things are going to be starting in a big way all over the world and not just here and yeah this is a gross scene

Thor Freya

You should do what they say behind your back tons of stuff they're horrible

Hera

This does won't last long it's going to be at 2:30 and it could last an hour and he says that's actually quite a bit for anybody and we acknowledge that. It might not be for that long then again I might get here earlier and it says he tasted so I'm looking at saying it's partially here I'm getting bigger and bigger so now it's 0.2 rad in punta Gorda it's going to go up to one about 1.3 rad then it will be coming back down but it's going to go peak at about 3:00 p.m. and he will off gas it pretty quick but he'll probably will go in 3/8 of an inch at least at that high level if he's outside and I might not want to be outside but and a lot of people don't want to be but if he's exposed here we think 50% of the lipoma contents will be destroyed and the fat and the lipoma starts to break down too

This things are not simple to calculate and it takes experience a lot of people don't get it a lot of people are sick from this medicine I'm not going to expose on purpose but to find out if they recover from the exposure that they're doing much better it's going on now it's nothing that's prevalent but it is happening so several people. Brad German is one bja noticed that he's recovering better Trump is not capable of noticing it and he's getting sick his son is noticing it's a little easier and most of these girls cuz they're daughters are realizing that they are looking a little better and they recover that's because the radiation helps them out a little bit at lower doses usually 0.5 rad and lower when it gets above there they're actually going to do worse so today is not the day to be hanging out outside and most of them won't be Sherry might be and Stan and Mack and a few other girls who might be Giants Ken should but he is not doing it.

More shortly

Nuada Arrianna

Please think that prolonged exposure at a low level is not that bad if you are prolonging exposure at a higher level it isn't that great one rad is not very high and our son has experienced it about 10 times in life and he's been fine this would be a little bit over but it's going to go up to about two RADS maximum here the three rings are deteriorating rapidly and they're going to send more up here it'll be later on around 4:00 p.m. this is start going down at 3:00 p.m. to about 7 and when that comes up it will go back up to about 1.2 and at that time it might start raining it looks like it might now

We're hoping it works it seems to it's very slow but it's a small doses which is really a good way to do it it's getting used to it there's some things that have healed not in a major way but they started his ankles are one of them it started to clear up a little other areas on his back people notice some of that stuff falling off and his stomach is getting smaller so it is just a start when the bigger stuff will start possibly this week we're looking for it but the thinking of the tip is big that will start this week it won't start until probably Tuesday or Wednesday and that would be a huge amount of will be a big cloud it won't reach over here from the East it when it's halfway it will start on Wednesday morning so there's more happening

--in the Midwest the Southwest the 10 cities are slowly emptying right now it's a normal process what is the big thing for this to happen right now going from 15% to 14% And the second batch 30% to 28% right now expect by the end of the night tomorrow morning it will be approximately 12% and 25%? We plan on Courtney off those five cities hopefully tonight more shortly

Thor Freya

Olympus

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ear-worthy · 1 year ago

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Why Podcast Listening Is Such An Intimate Experience

There are numerous reasons why listening to podcasts is an intimate experience. Even companies that sell ads on podcasts find, in their research, that podcast fans have a special bond with podcasters. That's one reason why host-read ads resonate so well with listeners.

With podcasting, as with music, you can create your audio world with sound becoming your personal valet. No one knows what you're listening to unless you share that information. Listening to a podcast and music is indeed a much different experience. Music can facilitate a daydream, convey a mood you want to reproduce, or you can revel in the emotional cloth that music can provide.

Listening to a podcast offers a more intellectual, thoughtful, emotional, and informative experience.

You can think, reflect, laugh, scoff, snicker, scream, doubt, and believe.

For example, when I work in my garden a few times a week, The Daily with Michael Barbaro is my constant companion. If I'm driving in the evening, APM Marketplace rides with me in my Hyundai. I don't blast the speakers or dial up the bass to vibrate the interior to show off to others that I'm listening to music. Instead, I bath myself in the carefully considered words of Kai Ryssdal on Marketplace.

When I walk five miles almost every day (no walking in the rain or in extreme temperatures over 90 degrees and under 10 degrees), I can't wait to cycle through my favorite podcasts. As I move past houses in my neighborhood, I am treated to the words of Sean Rameswaram from Today, Explained or the true-crime podcast The Murder Sheet.

When people listen to music, there are often those visual cues they cannot help but display. A tap, tap, tap of your feet. A simulation of your hands playing drums on your thighs. A sway of your hips or a bob of your head.

The message to the outside world is clear.

"I'm listening to some great music, everyone."

When listening to a podcast like Slate's Hit Parade, it's just me and host Chris Molanphy geeking out the Billboard charts. Or Ken Rudin on The Political Junkie, giving me an insight into famous past events in political history.

A great podcast can capture your attention, such as Decoder Ring with Willa Paskin. You can be so focused on the words and sounds in the podcast and still be concentrating on cleaning the house, washing the car, cleaning out your closet, or even packing orders for your small business.

Listening to a podcast is an intimate experience between you, your ears, and the podcast host and guests. It's like inviting these people into your brain. They stay for a while, maybe an hour, and then leave you with some info, a few insights, a kernel of a new idea, a funny story, a tale of woe, or the sense that the wrong person was convicted.

So the next time, you carefully insert your earbuds, use your podcast app to decide upon a podcast, think about the act of allowing another person to enter your ears.

I can't speak for you, but I'm selective about who enters my ears. It's a sacred space.

That's the weird part about video podcasts on YouTube. There's nothing wrong with them, and for some, the video component is a necessary part of their media consumption choice. Yet, once a podcast is on a video screen, it's as if the podcast loses that sense of intimacy and the "I only have ears for you" quality.

Somehow, media, in its myriad formats, attaches to our daily routines in unique ways on a personal and social level. A movie theater, of course, is a social experience with moviegoers keying off the reactions of the people seated near them -- laughter, sadness, fright, and shock -- like a virus that moves from person to person, unseen but powerful.

Radio has always had a duality about it. On one hand, radio was a family experience before television when the family would sit around the Zenith Upright Radio and listen to Captain Midnight, Jack Benny, or The Shadow. In the next generation, radio was the primary source for popular rock n' roll music and was often a communal listening experience with dancing its complimentary physical activity, or perhaps a more intimate consensual contact "under the boardwalk."

Yet, radio has been slowly fenced off and restricted to commuting in a vehicle, so it's become more of a personal activity. Preset radio buttons are a touch away for us, and they are just for us.

A favorite warning when someone borrows our car.

"Do not, under any circumstances, change my radio presets."

Since its arrival in the late 40s, television has always been a communal experience, especially when a family had only one television set. Of course, sometimes only one family in a neighborhood had a TV in the early days of TV in the 50s. Back then, TV was indeed a neighborhood bonding event.

Today, streaming TV, phones and tablets that allow for TV viewing have, to a large extent, repurposed TV viewing as a more personal experience. Today, people are forever looking at their phone screens.

In a feat of technological synchronicity, the development of headphones and wireless earbuds has now walled off TV viewing from the communal to the solitary.

Even music has lost some of that pop-cultural ambiance as the current generation retreats to AirPods and its other branded cousins. Music, to a large extent, isn't in the air anymore. Just in our ears. What we listen to doesn't bring us together anymore, as much as it splits us apart.

Listening to a podcast is still a personal act. A one-person play. A deep connection between our ears and the images, ideas, thoughts, and concepts those sounds create. Photo by Mikhail Nilov

When listening to a podcast, it isn't what enters your ears that is as important as what travels from your ears to your brain.

As TV psychologist from the 1970s, Dr. Joyce Brothers, once said, "Real intimacy is only possible to the degree that we can be honest about what we are doing and feeling."

Somehow, you're never alone when listening to a podcast. The podcaster's voice isn't like the hollow camaraderie or vicious anonymity that comes from social media.

Actor Amy Poehler once said, "Find a group of people who challenge and inspire you; spend a lot of time with them, and it will change your life."

For me, those people include Stephen Dubner Freakonomics, Laur Hesse Fisher TIL Climate, Ashley Hamer Taboo Science, Seraphina Malina-Derben Seraphina Speaks, Tim Harford Cautionary Tales, Matt Gilhooly The Life Shift, Rita Richa Bippity Boppity Business, Jenn Trepeck Salad With A Side Of Fries, Shakar Vedantam Hidden Brain, and many more.

How about You?

#podcast #podcasting #psychology #media

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themosleyreview · 2 years ago

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The Mosley Review: Barbie

Ever since her inception into the zeitgeist of the toy industry, Barbie has always been the gold standard in fashion, ideology and creativity for countless young girls all around the world. Even as young boy I knew this, but of course I was more focused on Star Wars, G.I. Joe and Transformers toys. I never was one to hate on the doll because it wasn’t meant for me. It was a girls toy and that was the end of it. Like the other aforementioned toys, the day Barbie would get the live action treatment was anticipated for decades. Well, here we are and it was a Barbie film for about 45 minutes while the rest of it was sometimes an unfocused and sociopolitical mess of a story. I truly went in with the smallest of expectations and was thinking that maybe this film will become something like a fantasy film about life in Barbie World and how it would focus on the feminist message that she stood for. The fact that women could do and be whatever they wanted to be if they work hard and uplifted each other. Perhaps a coming of age story about Barbie coming to the real world and meeting a girl that needs some guidance or becoming a more grown up and experience person through the child or teen? Does that sound too much like the Disney films Life-Size or Enchanted? Maybe, but the point is that this film got maybe half of that before becoming a toxic feminist film about how men don't understand anything except violence and power, how the patriarchy supplants women, the traditional women is bad and men just simp for unattainable women and women should manipulate them to become their slaves. All of that and more is blasted across the screen while trying to tell a fantastical existential story for Barbie and attempting to reignite that childhood joy in someone that lives in the actual world where not everything is pink. Did I mention how much of a mess this film was? Don't get me wrong, there were some great comedic moments of dialogue, social commentary and stunning visuals, but it just felt like the point of Barbie has been tainted by today's social climate.

Its rare for a film to have perfect casting across the board these days and this was by far one of the best casts films of the year. Margot Robbie was perfect as "Stereotypical Barbie" and I liked her journey from being to perfect to imperfect. The majority of her story was something that started off and ended special with her learning about her life outside of her world. I liked that she evolved over the course of the film and her comedic timing was great. Margot can truly deliver heartbreak in her eyes so well and then that curious shimmer of hope in the next. Ryan Gosling as Ken was outstanding and hilarious. I've always wanted to see a classic style romantic comedy about Ken trying to woo Barbie and we got that for a bit. His side eye looks and over the top expressions were great and he nearly steals the film. The chemistry between them was the highlight of the film, but it comes crashing down once we get to the real world. I hated how Barbie treated him for the majority of the film as she still was blind to his passes and then quickly manipulates him into destructive behavior. I really liked Ken's growth as he finally discovered a version of manhood. Simu Liu was excellent as a perfect rival to Ken Prime as Ken #2. The back and forth fight between them was hilarious as their battles become more and more like Singing in the Rain meets West Side Story. Kate McKinnon steals the film as Weird Barbie. She was funny, quirky, real and down right a blast every moment she was on screen. Her breakdown of how the real world works through the perfect Matrix reference was on point and needed. Ariana Greenblatt was good as the angsty teen that hates everything, Sasha. For the majority of the film, she delivers that "Barbie is an unrealistic view of woman and should be destroyed" attitude that made me really not like her. Its a testament to her stellar performance, but man I did not relate to her. America Ferrera was wonderful and fun as her mother Gloria. Her relationship with her daughter was not the greatest and I didn't really feel the connection there. What I did love was her genuine spark of joy when she meets Barbie for real. Its a glimmer of what the film could've been. Like in Elf when the adults see Santa for real. Speaking of which, Will Ferrell was fun as always and I liked his ernest if not spoofy version of the CEO of Mattel. He was larger than life, but quickly became a spoof as the film went on and almost an after thought. Rhea Perlman was wonderful as the "ghost" of the Barbie’s creator, Ruth Handler. She drives home the heart of the film and I wish that her interactions with Barbie were the point of the film. The talks about the origins of Barbie and beauty of being a human was fantastic.

The score Mark Ronson and Andrew Wyatt was serviceable, but their collaboration during the many musical numbers were fantastic. Like I said before, this film also acts as a tribute to the classic technicolor musical films of the 1950's. The visuals alone were sometimes overwhelming as it all felt like a fever dream come to life. The design of Barbie World and the costumes were marvelous. With all that being said, it still stands that this film had the chance to deliver a story about Barbie not only being a beacon of empowerment for women and little girls, but also a chance to deliver a story about coming together and working toward something better. She could've come back to her world and had a revelation of maybe men and women could work together instead either sexes trying to assort dominance over each other. The grand old message of equality could've been refreshing in the current man hating society we're in now, but alas we get a film that goes no where by the end. Everything goes back to square one and nothing really memorable is accomplished here. So what was the point of this film? Was the film about women empowerment? Yeah. Does it push the message of toxic feminism toward men? Definitely. Maybe inspire young girls and boys to be good to one another and work together? Not really. Call me what you will, but the point still stands that this film has some moments of pure joy and laughter, but it is solely a massive waste of talent and completely misses the mark of what Barbie stood for. I didn't hate this film, it just was a forgettable one. Let me know what you thought of the film or my review in the comments below. Thanks for reading!

#barbie #margot robbie #ryan gosling #simu liu #America Ferrera #ariana greenblatt #Will Ferrell #mattel #kate mckinnon #rhea perlman

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celestialmazer · 2 years ago

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The return of Ryan Gosling

Starring as Ken in ‘Barbie’, Ryan Gosling talks candidly about the new kind of films he wants to make – and the offscreen roles he’s prioritising in real life

https://www.gq-magazine.co.uk/article/ryan-gosling-interview-2023

Full interview below for posterity ✌️

Ryan Gosling subscribes to what he calls an escape-room style of acting. This is a little theoretical, because he’s never actually been to an escape room, and he’s not totally sure what happens inside them. “Maybe I should do one,” he says, “to see if this really works.” But the general idea is this: you’re thrown into a particular set of circumstances and you’ve got to find your way out. Maybe you show up on set one day and it’s raining when it’s not supposed to be raining, Gosling says, “or this person doesn’t want to say any of that dialogue, or the neighbour’s got a leaf blower and they’re not turning it off.” What do you do next?

Over time, Gosling has discovered that this approach might apply to more than just acting. Maybe, for instance, you’re a kid growing up in a town you don’t want to be in and you’re trying to locate an exit. Maybe you’re looking for something you can’t put into words and you make movies to try to pin down whatever it is you’re looking for. Maybe you’re a person who never envisioned raising a family and then you meet the person who, in some radical way, changes how you see yourself and your future. Life comes at you, in all its unanticipated and startling particulars; the thing that makes you an artist is the way you respond.

And being open to the unexpected has served Gosling well. When he was young, his first real breakthrough came in a movie (2001’s The Believer) about a Jewish kid from New York who becomes a neo-Nazi. Gosling was none of these things, which the director, Henry Bean, turned out to like. “The fact that I wasn’t really right for it was exactly why he thought I was right for it,” Gosling says. A few years later, when Gosling was auditioning for The Notebook, he says, director Nick Cassavetes “straight up told me: ‘The fact that you have no natural leading-man qualities is why I want you to be my leading man.’ ” Gosling got the part; he’s been a leading man ever since.

In his youth, Gosling treated acting a little bit like therapy, or an opportunity “to teach myself about myself.” He was in search of experiences – films that could capture a mood, or a feeling. Sometimes what he was doing barely looked like acting at all. “Even though I think Ryan has watched a lot of movies, the way he acts is as if he hasn’t watched that many movies,” says Emily Blunt, who got to know Gosling on the set of David Leitch’s forthcoming film The Fall Guy. For 2010’s Blue Valentine, Gosling lived for a time with his co-star, Michelle Williams, in the house where they shot the film, playing the part of parents with the young actor who played their daughter. For 2011’s Drive, he and the film’s director, Nicolas Winding Refn, spent days driving across Los Angeles, listening to music and whittling away dialogue from their script until the film was purely about the unnameable sensation the two of them shared in the car. “I was trying to find a place to put all these things that were happening to me,” Gosling says. “And these films became ways to do that, like time capsules.” For Refn’s next film, Only God Forgives, Gosling spent months in Thailand before shooting began, training in Muay Thai camps, learning to fight. “And I don’t think I did Muay Thai once in that film,” he says. Refn changed plans. Gosling was okay with it: “I didn’t do the film to do Muay Thai.”

And then something interesting happened, or maybe – in the manner of life – a few things happened, and the way Gosling worked began to change. He and his partner, Eva Mendes, with whom he starred in The Place Beyond the Pines, had their first child in 2014 and their second in 2016, both daughters. Gosling started to act in fewer independent movies and more studio films, like La La Land and Blade Runner 2049. These were movies, as Gosling describes them to me, “for an audience.” And then, for four years, he didn’t appear in anything at all.

Gosling’s explanation for his absence from Hollywood is straightforward: he and Mendes had their second child, and he “wanted to spend as much time as I could with them.” Gosling is not one of those people who picture themselves as a parent – the moment he first imagined himself as a father, he says, was the moment immediately before he became one: “Eva said she was pregnant.” But, he adds, “I would never want to go back, you know? I’m glad I didn’t have control over my destiny in that way, because it was so much better than I ever had dreamed for myself.”

When Gosling finally came back to work, it was for last year’s The Gray Man, an action spectacle directed by the Russo brothers for Netflix, and then this year’s Barbie, directed by Greta Gerwig. He says the time away solidified certain changes in his attitude toward his job. “I treat it more like work now, and not like it’s, you know, therapy,” he says. “It’s a job, and I think in a way that allows me to be better at it because there’s less interference.”

Perhaps not coincidentally, the projects he’s gravitating towards now, which include The Fall Guy – another giant action film, which Leitch describes as “a love letter to big movies,” and which Gosling has just finished shooting in Australia – seem to have larger and more crowd-pleasing aspirations. “I’ve always wanted to do it,” Gosling says. “I just never really had the opportunity like this, or it never kind of worked itself out this way. It took me a long time to get into bigger, more commercial films. I had to kind of take the back entrance.”

When Gosling was younger, making independent movies, it was often with the unspoken expectation that not many people would see them. “So you kinda make the movie for yourselves,” he says. Somebody once gave him the advice, “Your job is just to feel it.” “Doesn’t matter if anyone else does, you know?” Gosling says. “But I think, having done a lot of that, I realise that I kind of feel like my job is for other people to feel it. And it’s cool if I do, but that’s really not the point. The point is that other people do.”

From Cornwall, Ontario, where Gosling grew up, to Toronto, where he began attending auditions as a child actor, was “like, a five-hour train ride,” Gosling says. He shares this, in part, because the two of us are on a train right now: the Pacific Surfliner, winding out of Los Angeles and along the coast. Just something he had never done and wanted to do. We walked through Union Station to the platform together and I watched a bunch of afternoon commuters, families surrounded by luggage, people with nowhere else to go just killing time, and kids in jaunty outfits like La La Land extras doing cartoon double takes, despite the white hat Gosling wore pulled down low.

Actually: “Let me make sure it’s five hours from Cornwall,” Gosling says, putting down the Starbucks cup that says “Freddie” on it and pulling out his phone. “Don’t wanna start self-mythologising. ‘It was a hundred hours on a train.’” He puts the phone away. “Four hours and 15 minutes.” Margot Robbie, who produced and stars in Barbie, calls Gosling “an overthinker.” He’ll say something, she says, “and then 40 minutes later, he’ll come up to me and be like, ‘You know when I said that? I’m just clarifying that what I meant was, blah blah.’ And I’m like, ‘Why are you still thinking about that?’ ”

Gosling is wearing boots and a workwear jacket and, at 42, has merry little creases around the eyes. You can sort of see what Nick Cassavetes was saying when he gave him a hard time about being a leading man: his features, broad and more than a little mischievous, are just unconventional enough to remind you that the matinee idol thing wasn’t foretold. Despite having played any number of violent men in movies, in person he reads as somewhere between reserved and simply shy. “He’s very gentle,” Blunt says. “He likes to kind of sleuth around. He’s more sleuth-y than macho, you know?” But these days people just sort of bend toward him. On the train, phones protrude from other rows at unnatural angles, and the ticket taker in our car keeps coming by to offer him snacks.

In Barbie – a massively ambitious summer blockbuster that attempts to both honour the generations of children who played with the doll and introduce new and sophisticated gender politics, the concept of mortality, and an ironic opening homage to Kubrick’s 2001 – Gosling plays Ken, the adoring doll that orbits Barbie, who is played by Robbie. There was not a lot to Ken before Gosling and the filmmakers got to him. “Ken,” Gosling says, “his job is beach. For 60 years, his job has been beach. What the fuck does that even mean?”

Gerwig, who also co-wrote the film with her partner, Noah Baumbach, says that they were trying to strike a delicate tonal balance with Ken, as they were with the whole film: it’s supposed to be funny, because it’s a film about dolls, but it’s also supposed to be full of suffering and pathos, because, well… it’s a film about dolls. And Ken, forever an afterthought, is perhaps the funniest and saddest of them all. Gerwig says she cast Gosling because “there is a quality to Ryan’s acting – even when he is hilarious, it’s never the actor standing outside of the role commenting on or judging this person. He doesn’t try and make you know that Ryan Gosling knows that this is silly. He does it in a way that takes on all of the potential humiliations of the character as his own.”

Some people I have spoken to, including, at times, Gosling himself, have expressed not mystification but a curiosity about how Gosling ended up in a Mattel-produced movie about a kids’ toy. (Even Robbie jokes about this when we speak: “We were like, ‘He’s just done a movie called First Man… And then he’s done a movie called The Gray Man… Maybe he’s ready to do Barbie! Maybe he wants to do the total opposite!’ ”) Part of it, Gosling tells me, actually relates to the kids’ toy thing: his daughters play with Barbies and Ken, sort of. “I did see him, like, face down in the mud outside one day, next to a squished lemon,” he says, “and it was like, this guy’s story does need to be told, you know?”

But another reason Gosling was drawn to the movie relates, in a way, to the four-hour-and-15-minute train ride he used to undertake, by himself, to and from auditions. He returns frequently in conversation to this particular period of his life. The story, briefly: Cornwall smelled like rotten eggs, because of its paper mill, where Gosling’s father and some of his uncles worked. His parents split up. He was raised in the Mormon church. He did not have a lot of friends, or an easy time with school. He had an uncle who was an Elvis impersonator, and there was something about the shows he did that made Gosling want to perform as well. “Here was this kind of bedazzled door number three with question marks on it,” he says, “and I went in.”

Gosling says it was this uncle who first gave him a glimpse of how art can transform both the people who make it and those who observe it – Gosling would help him with his shows, and watch him turn into someone else when he performed, someone different and more full of life. The uncle bolstered his act with talent shows featuring people from the local community. “Everyone had this secret talent,” Gosling says. “You’d see the guy that bags groceries, and he has some version of ‘Black Velvet’ that’ll bring the house down, you know? And then you realise that that’s really him, and the performance is the guy he’s playing who packs bags.”

Gosling started asking himself, “What is my talent?” He began auditioning, and the auditions he was travelling to led to his being cast, aged 12, in Disney’s The All-New Mickey Mouse Club, alongside Justin Timberlake, Christina Aguilera and Britney Spears. Unlike his peers, he did not make much of a mark there. “Everybody was at, like, prodigy level,” he says. “I certainly wasn’t a child prodigy. I didn’t know why I was there. And I think that was the consensus. It’s why I didn’t work – it was like, they dressed me up as a hamster or put me in the background of someone’s song. But it was all a great experience in a way because it helped me figure out what I wasn’t going to be good at, which is important to learn too.”

What Gosling turned out to be good at, in the long run, was playing a certain kind of brooding, intense young man in an independent film, and so for years, he did that. But inside him, always, lived the spirit of a kid dressed up like a hamster in Orlando, performing for anyone who would watch. And I share this next part of our conversation more or less verbatim, because I think there’s, well, a lot of Ryan Gosling in it – the scepticism of the ersatz therapy that a magazine interview can become; the instinct to protect himself; the heartfelt honesty that is nevertheless his mode; and the comic timing, which is uncannily similar to that of any number of characters we’ve seen him play onscreen.

It begins, as these things often do, with a somewhat overwrought interview question:

What do you think the young Ryan would make of where you’ve ended up?

“Um, what would young Ryan say? First of all, I’d be like, ‘Hey, young Ryan, calm down. This dude Zach asked me to come back and talk to you.’ ”

[Helpless laughter.]

“ ‘Don’t ask how. Don’t ask why; I don’t have time. We’re on a train, and the train’s gonna end, so we only have so much time. [Pause.] You’re gonna be in a Barbie movie.’ ”

He continues, no longer playing a scene: “Look, the irony is that the movies that I’ve made so many of – I didn’t grow up watching independent films. We didn’t have an arthouse cinema. I didn’t know anything about the kinds of films that I was in, you know? I didn’t have any real frame of reference. All I had was, like, my Blockbuster knowledge.”

In the video store he’d go to in Cornwall, “it was all bigger films, and most of them were action films or comedies,” Gosling says. “That’s why I loved movies. It’s those films that made me want to do this. Like, obviously I learned more about film, and I feel very lucky to have been able to make the movies that I’ve made. But it’s cool to be in a phase of my life where I’m getting to make the kinds of things that inspired me to make film in general.”

So, “kid me, this kid you want me to go and talk to?” Gosling says. “He would like Barbie more than The Believer, you know?”

And as for Ken, the no-thoughts-just-vibes character he plays in the film: “There’s something about this Ken that really, I think, relates to that version of myself. Just, like, the guy that was putting on Hammer pants and dancing at the mall and smelling like Drakkar Noir and Aqua Net-ing bangs. I owe that kid a lot. I feel like I was very quick to distance myself from him when I started making more serious films. But the reality is that, like, he’s the reason I have everything I have.”

Gosling’s been thinking about that kid a lot recently. “He didn’t know what he was doing or why he was doing it, he was just doing it, and it’s like, I owe my whole life to him,” he says. “And I wish I had been more grateful at the time, you know?” He tells me he spent a lot of time on the Barbie set communing with this younger version of himself, who didn’t have a clue, but who did everything in total earnestness.

“I really had to go back and touch base with that little dude,” Gosling says, “and say thank you, and ask for his help.”

These days Gosling lives in a quiet town in the southern half of California. Because he brings his family to the location of each movie he shoots, he aims to do only one or so per year. Most of the time, he’s simply at home. Relatives come around, Gosling says, but he and Mendes don’t have a nanny; whatever they do, they do it themselves. Gosling is frankly romantic about his life with his daughters and Mendes. He says things were one way, then they were another. “I was looking for her, you know?”

Were you conscious of that?

“No. But it all makes sense now.”

He tells me that as a parent, whenever he doesn’t know what to do, “I just lean on Eva. She knows what’s important, always. She just somehow knows. So if ever I’m in my head about it, I just ask her.”

In the past, Gosling sought life, and creative inspiration, in extreme places. In 2014, he wrote and directed a film, Lost River, that grew out of a regular trip he’d been making to Detroit with a camera, just to film decaying buildings. The movie is a fever dream: violent, paranoid, surreal. Gosling remains proud of it. But these days, he says, “all the things that are happening right now at home I just find funnier and more inspiring than any of the stuff I came across when I was out there in abandoned buildings looking for it.”

Because Gosling hasn’t worked much since 2018, he has been mostly out of the public eye, but that will soon change with Barbie. Anyone who has ever seen Gosling on a talk show knows that he tends to be a charismatic and genial ambassador for whatever project he’s out there promoting. But he does not particularly enjoy talking about himself, something I know because he tells me, multiple times, as our train makes its way along the coast.

“I mean, you know how it is; you do this,” he says, when I ask him what the source of his discomfort is. “It hasn’t been useful for me personally to start self-pathologising or, um, telling a story about why or pretending to even understand all the machinations of why. A lot of it was just operating on instinct. It was escape room, you know?”

To that end, he deluges me with a slew of questions of his own – I think partly because he’s a genuinely nice guy, or at least a polite one, and somewhat interested, and a lot to avoid being asked questions himself. He asks about my 14-month-old son and how having a kid has or has not changed me. (“Do you find it’s affected your work, or the way that you work, or why you’re doing it?”) For a while, he asks about my mum, because I tell him she used to play the guitar, and Gosling suddenly needs to know everything. (“Moms that play guitar, that’s so cool. Kind of like Liona Boyd, Liona Boyd style? Or like classical? Folky? That’s cool. You don’t hear a lot about a mom guitarist.”)

“I feel like he watches everyone and everyone’s nuances so acutely,” says Blunt, “that at some point, I think everyone will be sucked up and put in a movie, into a character.” She had the same suspicion I’m having now. “I’m sure it’s a deflection strategy,” she says, laughing. “I’m sure I told him many more intimate secrets than he told me. He’s quite gifted at that.”

It’s charming; it’s also understandable. If you are a certain age, you will well remember the frenzy in the early part of the past decade around Gosling, and particularly around his appearance, which was the subject of endless Tumblr posts and thirsty bar conversations. “I think it embarrasses him in some ways,” says Blunt, about the public perception of him as some sort of cross between the perfect boyfriend and the coolest man around, “because it’s not what he feels. I got the sense it wasn’t really what he felt about himself.”

Earlier in his career, Gosling used to talk about being raised by a single mother who was attractive, and how frightening he found the predatory energy that came from the men they’d encounter, how uneasy he was made by the way people related to her. (Gosling says that Lost River, with its portrait of a searching boy and his struggling mother, played by Christina Hendricks, is explicitly about this feeling he had as a child.) He tells me now, flatly, that he never made the connection between his mother and himself and the attention his own appearance began to garner as he became famous. He did his best to depersonalise the attention he was getting. But the whole experience, he admits, was “confusing.”

And now, to some extent, it seems to be happening again. After a Barbie trailer was released, fans on social media began arguing whether or not Gosling was, in fact, too weathered and grown-up now to play Ken, a debate that, in time, made its way onto the pages of the New York Post (“Gen Z Barbie Fans Slammed for Calling Ryan Gosling Too ‘Old’ to Play Ken”) and a number of other tabloids. Gosling’s response to this is, at least initially, diplomatic and a little amused: “I would say, you know, if people don’t want to play with my Ken, there are many other Kens to play with.”

Later, though, he brings it up again, unprompted. “It is funny,” he says, “this kind of clutching-your-pearls idea of, like,#notmyKen. Like you ever thought about Ken before this?” As he said earlier, this is a guy whose job is beach.

“And everyone was fine with that, for him to have a job that is nothing. But suddenly, it’s like, ‘No, we’ve cared about Ken this whole time.’ No, you didn’t. You never did. You never cared. Barbie never fucked with Ken. That’s the point. If you ever really cared about Ken, you would know that nobody cared about Ken. So your hypocrisy is exposed. This is why his story must be told.”

Gosling catches himself and laughs. “I care about this dude now. I’m like his representative. ‘Ken couldn’t show up to receive this award, so I’m here to accept it for him.’ ”

On the phone one day, Greta Gerwig tells me a story. It takes place before Barbie begins shooting, when she and Robbie are hosting a sleepover for the actors who play the different Barbies in the cast. The Kens are also invited to stop by, but Gosling can’t make it. Midway through, there’s a knock at the door. “And this man, this Scottish man in a full kilt, showed up and played the bagpipes,” Gerwig says. The man tells them that Gosling sent him. “Then he read a speech from Braveheart. And then he left.”

When I ask Gosling why Braveheart, and specifically why the moment when Mel Gibson tells a bunch of sons of Scotland that the English may take our lives but they’ll never take our freedom, he says, “Well, sometimes, you just need to hear it.” Gerwig says that Gosling “always can sense very quickly what would be the most delightfully funny thing to do next. And then he does it.”

This is the kind of thing a director says about an actor when he’s starring in her comedy, but, for whatever it’s worth, here is a more or less total summary of what happens later. Gosling and I depart the train, talking about nothing in particular: childhood, Starter jackets, the way that playing cool can skew into a fear of playing at all. “Like, you thought you were winning by not trying,” he says. “Or at least showing that you weren’t trying. But it kind of backfires a little later, when you start actually not trying in order to win.”

I’m nodding at the profundity of what Gosling is saying, and he keeps going: “And then you realise that that’s actually what losing is. Just not trying.”

“Yes!” I say.

Then he says, because he knows he has me now, “And all you had to do was watch Rocky to realise that just trying is winning.”

And I start laughing, because what has me so inspired is a light paraphrase of the speech that Sylvester Stallone gives in more or less every Rocky movie.

We go into a restaurant not far from the station, with comfy booths and not a lot of people around, and split a bunch of food as the sun begins to set outside. It’s quiet, and calmer than the train, and as our dishes arrive and the server comes around a few more times to check on him, Gosling talks a little more about why he’s wary of these conversations, ones that “can border into therapy, which is bad for obvious reasons.”

Sometimes, he says, “it can feel like, you know, you go in wearing jeans, and you come out wearing cutoffs. And the pocket’s not the only thing that’s showing, you know what I mean?”

I’m laughing again, and we start negotiating the length of the metaphorical jeans he’s going to leave with this time.

“What about a capri?” he proposes.

Just the ankle?

“Yeah. A tiny bit of ankle. Deal?”

And I grin and say, “Deal,” though I don’t mean it, and excuse myself to use the restroom, and when I return, he’s already made arrangements to break free. As I sit back down in the now empty booth, our server comes over, somewhat apologetically, with every dessert on the menu, plus a few they don’t advertise, courtesy of Gosling. He places plates of ice cream down one by one by one by one by one as I watch the actor himself escape out the front door.

“I’m having a little train regret,” Gosling says, a few weeks later. “I think just the nostalgic nature of it and the hypnotic rocking motion got me musing and self-mythologising more than I intended to.”

On my computer screen, his Ken-blond hair is covered up by a hat advertising the Caterpillar construction equipment company. There are wooden panels behind him and sunlight coming from somewhere I can’t see. It’s Sunday, and Gosling is recovering from yesterday, the birthday of one of his daughters. A bunch of family flew in. “I think I made over 30 pizzas and over 40 espresso drinks,” Gosling says. “And since my stepdad is Roman, I think all of those things might put me aligned to apply for my Italian citizenship.”

Today, he’s about to get into a car to drive to an advance screening of Barbie and sneak in to watch the film for the first time with an audience. But first, well, he has some thoughts about his earlier thoughts. “I think I was going on about abandoned buildings and, uh, time capsules and some bullshit like that,” he says. “That is fine, I think, between two guys dad-ing out on a train. But if you put that stuff in quotes on top of a guy in a pink duster with, like, a ripped shirt, the, uh, needle on the bullshit meter starts to break off.”

He also wants to apologise. “Sorry about all the ice cream,” he says. “I thought it’d be stuff you could take home, you know?”

He pauses. “What else was I thinking of?” And then remembers. “When you asked me about Eva and kids, I think I said I didn’t think about kids until she told me she was pregnant. That’s not really true. I didn’t want to overshare, but now I also don’t want to misrepresent. I mean, it’s true that I wasn’t thinking about kids before I met her, but after I met Eva, I realised that I just didn’t want to have kids without her. And there were moments on The Place Beyond the Pines where we were pretending to be a family, and I didn’t really want it to be pretend anymore. I realised that this would be a life I would be really lucky to have.”

I ask Gosling why he didn’t just say that the first time, given how nice and how genuine the sentiment is.

“I didn’t really want to get into it,” he says. “But I realised that I was misrepresenting the reality of it.”

In the weeks since Gosling and I had last spoken, I’d spent some time on the phone with people who know him, including, memorably, Harrison Ford, who starred with Gosling in Blade Runner 2049. Ford, who is himself well-known in Hollywood for his no-nonsense approach to the business, describes a man he admires but has never really got to know. “I think we went out to dinner one time,” he says. “But on the set, he’s just a joy to work with. We both don’t like to talk about acting as much as we like to just get it done. And he’s one of those guys who just comes and does it.” They filmed the movie together, promoted it, and then, according to Ford, haven’t spoken once since. Gosling confirms this: “The last time I saw him, we were eating hamburgers in the parking lot of The Apple Pan after a screening of Blade Runner.”

The idea, Gosling says, is to do it and be gone and leave no record of what or why beyond that. Talk about the new movie, get in and get out. He looks at me and sighs, like he didn’t mean for any of the rest of this to happen. “I mean, I just wanted to ride the Surfliner and talk about Barbie, you know?”

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