#this shit's been in my brain for 3 years now | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

redfountainpostin · 2 days

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Fell in love with your blog, went on a rampage to a friend about Riven/Darcy, came up with ideas, bon appetit! (Is that meme giving away my age?)

Riven who had his head so played with that he straight up doesn't trust his senses, anything he sees could be one of Darcy's illusions, someone calls his name and he ignores it cause he's gotten used to Darcy's voice inside his head pushing him to do x or y

He'll ignore his body's signals, hunger? Thirst? Pain? He can't tell if it's him or Darcy's tricks, so he ignores it just to be sure (meanwhile our boy is severely dehydrated and has 20 broken bones), the squad will have to remind him to eat, or drink or get to the infirmary

Darcy implants fake memories in his head, after, he can't tell his real past from the fake memories

Did he always liked X or Y? Or did Darcy influence him?

He loses some of his memories, there are things that no matter how hard he tries he can't recall

Shitty long term memory! If he's actively thinking about it, he doesn't forget, if he gets distracted, boom! It's gone. Post its all over his room and the kitchenette "you're allergic to strawberries", cause if he stops thinking about it he forgets, eats it and could go into anaphylactic shock. "Helia's mom's name is X" (I stole this one straight from Manacled, I'm not apologising).

The boys include this sort of thing in their conversation Hella will be talking about his mom and goes "my mother, X"

It's a PTSD free for all

Sometimes he'll go through his day convinced that he's in an illusion, that nothing he does it's really happening, and it isn't until he (accidentally) hurts someone that he realises "oh shit, it's been real the whole time"

Someone has to get him a night light for kids, cause now he's kinda terrified of the dark, I feel like Darcy could have him in total darkness for a while, he can't tell where he is, what time it is, what's going on. It makes him extra paranoid.

She could take away all his senses at the same time. After, he's extra sensitive and hyperaware, and will alternate between "Sky is breathing too loud" and ignoring the literal Armageddon outside his window cause "it's just another illusion" or because he can't feel it happening, some of his senses will stop working randomly. (Hello S3 blind Aisha parallels!)

Riven is not really a favourite, but his relationship with Darcy has so much potential! Feel free to use this or discard them all 🩷

Oh my god thank you so much for sending this, I love ALL OF THIS (also, I think Manacled is showing your age more than Bon Appetit, but potato potato XD, god bless us) I've been playing around with Riven having memory issues myself!!! I actually hc he already has those issues from his childhood, there was no head injury that caused it, it was just that he went through something so traumatic his brain just locked down an entire year of memories. Like, from age 10 to 11, it's blank, nada, empty, prazno, kaput. So when Darcy fucks with his head, it makes it even worse!!! What if he gets a (bad) habit of carrying a recorder in his pocket at all times?? In the evening he listens through it on sped up version to make sure everything was real. When someone finds out they're furious and he has to stop, bc it IS violating towards others, but it causes him so much stress. I also actually HCed him to feel much SAFER in the dark, because growing up, dark meant a lot more places to hide; Darcy taking that away from him, basically ruining a safe space, especially if he is a night owl, is just *chef's kiss*. And yea, my boy doesn't eat properly!! He will either forget, or refuse, or have a very specific think he'll eat and nothing else. I actually hc him to not eat bread, mostly bc I don't eat bread, so he bastardizes all sandwiches and just eats the filling and none of the bread, leaving his squadmates mildly disturbed XD Helia's mom definitely had to introduce himself like 3 times before he actually remembered her, but she doesn't hold it against him (I hc that Helia has really nice parents and bc I hc that Saladin got him into RF, and Saladin is Helia's fam, the whole fam kinda wants the best for him, except for Helia when he reaches for a sandwich in the fridge only to bite in and see that someone took out all the fillings) Also, to quote Harley Quinn: everyone else can see this trippy magic stuff yea? He literally has to ask at the end of each season during the obligatory final battle lololololol I really like the idea of the guy just being perma damaged and that's how it is and he has to live with it and his friends will be there for him AND HE HAS TO SEE THE PERSON WHO DID THAT TO HIM EVERY YEARS BC TRIX REFUSE TO FUCK OFF-

#winx shitposting #winx headcanons #winx #winx riven #riven #winx darcy #darcy #winx rewrite #winx helia #winx saladin

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nomairuins · 29 days

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i like overthink everything now it makes me feel so dumb. i used 2 be able to just talk 2 ppl but nowadays every single thing im like Is that actually going to make them hate me. Yes probably. and then i just dont respond which makes ppl hate me. this is how it is

#ive been overthinking 1 light and casual mildly funny response to something but im worried itll come off as disrespectful and dismissive And #make me seem stupid and uncaring all at the same time. and also be seen as insulting. but like idt itd be insulting right like. im not #saying what it is so ig for all you guys know im like I mean if i say All your shit suck ball and i hateit kys. <- thats not the thing i was #going to say #like it doesnt matter now the window for response is closed now but i feel stupid bc i shouldve just said it it was light and casual. im so #bad at keeping convos gojng im convinced im not going to survive. In like a light and casual way like in a He will not make it through the #winter joke way. dw. im not going to do anything bc i had One failed interaction. if i was going to do anythjng itd be bc of the 8000000 #other failed interactions. But im not. anyways. it just makes me feel so useless 😭 like i want to respond i want to talk to ppl so bad but #i feel like i mess things up Irreparably every time i speak OR i take too LONG overthinking my response and then i just cant respond bc its #been too long and then its been 3 years and the only messages ive ever sent r my intro message and 1 message 2 years ago that nobody #responded to at all. or the conversation stopped immediately after. and like i used to be better at this i was lkke. talkative in a couple #muts servers like. i talked 2 ppl daily in those servers and i had fun and like. I was an important part of the group and i felt like it #but i just feel like such an outsider for Everything and its literally my fault bc i cant just like. Talk. The explosion. bc im always like #im gonna try im gonna do it this time im gonna get it back im going to finally be Good connor and im going to fix it all and make a Good #solid friend group and ill find HEALTHY LOVE and i wont selfsabotage and ill move out and have a job and ill balance it well and ill start #all my hobbies and ill have a great routine and be so loveable and on top of it and not stressed and content and happy and roll with the #punches and then theres a single hiccup and im like Well fuckinf whatever im going to be an unemployed hermit forever and im going to die b4 #im 25 anyways so Who cares and also im digging a little hole for myself. and its like. AUGHH ik i just have to persevere and overcome but #even saying that feels so stupid its not fucking hard its Talking to ppl. like. i literally if ive ever said a word to you i had to think #avt it and strategize how to respond right even for like. like. it makes it sound like its not genuine it is #like for example i want to say hey i love your art! but then i freak out and im like thats not normal thats like a rly generic comment they #hear that all the time theyll thjnk im being polite and my brains like hrmmm rewrite Your art changed my life. It shaped me. Ill never be #the same. Nad im like ok too far overcorrected go back and the sentence generator is like Your art has colors 💯 like. GOD. WHY IS IT SO #difficult. and then usually i either just dont say anythinf and feel awful abt it 4ever OR i send it on anon and then i spend like 15 #minutes ibsessively slightly tweaking the apelling and capitalization and punctuation to make sure it doesnt seem like its me just in case #it Is the worst possible thing to say but then i see the response and itll be like AWWW TYSM :] THIS MEANS A LOT or whathaveyou and i feel #stupid bc i couldve just Told them this to their face and it wouldve been a good positive interaction we had. but instead i had 2 hide and #tyoe entirely differently so they couldnt sniff me from my typing style. and it soesnt even feel like the thanks is actually 4 me bc i #tweaked the message sm. and it still makes me happy that the oersons hapoy but its like. that couldve been a nice mutual interaction #like not that i need a personal ty i compliment ppl when i Want to compliment ppl and when its genuine yk. i dont do it so i get mutualpoint

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savage-rhi · 30 days

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*insert pink color here*

#ironic that last year at this time i was really sick cause i had candidemia #(fungus in my blood and organs etc)#and now my doc is having me take a cordyceps and lionsmane supplement #LMAO #kinda fucked up but in a funny way 💀#guys if you ever get candidemia or a fungal infection the diet and meds you gotta go on SUCK #basically no sugar and i mean not even a gram of it can be in the food you consume for 4 weeks at minimum and you gotta eat mostly greens #and drink water and that's it #my infection was so bad they were worried about it fucking up my brain and other major organs so i was on that for 3 months #from what the docs said i caught it cause my last bout with covid at the time shot my immune system #and get this: they saw A LOT of people that had similiar fungal problems after said clients had covid #some food for thought if you're thinking about boosters or anything #but yeah...TLOU lite isn't fun #when fungus gets in your system that bitch doesn't want to leave and it makes you sick #covid almost killed me but the fungus shit was scary cause it likes to be incognito with symptoms until its like HEY ROOMIE #IVE BEEN INSIDE YOU FOR A LONG TIME HERE'S SOME NERVE DAMAGE A FEVER AND IMMA MAKE YOUR BRAIN FEEL LOOPIER THAN USUAL 😃#OH AND YOU PROBABLY HAVE SEPSIS MY STEPSIS #this is a tangent train psa: stay healthy #fuchsia is my vent word for good things???#not really good but???#need another pink

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kuragesoda · 9 months

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WAURGRHFGFH

#catch me falling down the stairs bc HOLY SHIT #yea me when the one ship thats been eating away at my brain for the past year partakes in one (1) 3-line conversation #“i know how you feel; jiro!” AAAARGHDHFFHGH‼‼‼#framing hypnosis mic rhyme anima+ episode 12 on my wall if i could #show's writing may suck at times but DAMN DOES IT KEEP ME FED !!!!#sniffles we rly went from being in the same room to a look and now to a conversation .....#we've come so far jiroshi nation ...... *wipes tear*#random rambling :'>>

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novococain · 4 months

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🦴

#blackened bones au just got so wild y'all #mr 'whats a king to a god whats a god to a nonbeliever' jaehaerys targaryen over there who is not king btw #and is instead like a 12 year old hand of the king (sorry tywin) because his oldest brother has a huge case of 'weird flex but okay'#and his extra early elopement and subsequent earlt creation of the doctrine for Reasons #made aegon go you have been promoted u are now one of my elite employees!! took him from cupbearer to hand. as one does #but anyway aegon mr black maegor black magic baby electric boogaloo was unable to produce more than one pregnancy in his wife lol #because the black magic is FUCKED for REASONS (maegor skewed it gay. also for reasons. namely fucking aenys reasons)#and now he has no (male) heir and HE wants to make aerea his heir bc aegon is the chad of this family. also visenya got to him young #rhaena the lesbian is on board for obvious reasons but alyssa is decidedly Not & either is the council bc like. the targs have been wilding #in one decade they balerioned the starry sept and vhagared the sept of remembrance killing like. most of the high ranking sevenists lmao.#lol even. plus jae and aly also eloped cause ofc they did the council was trying to marry her to a hightower. oh and also the doctrine #been a bit of a decade and all that happened in just 9 years. also viserys and lysarra (oc first maegor/aenys daughter) got married #which was the first post doctrine marriage. they're the two crazies. she has a mini balerion. went wonderfully as im sure you can imagine #anyway the targs need to CHILL. give the realm a breather. NOT CHANGE THOUSANDS OF YEARS OF INHERITANCE PRECEDENT.#aegon the chad is not helping them do that. so alyssa uses her big brain. & she's like well aegon is a black magic baby (thnx maegor)#and he's king. so why not get him a Surrogate and make him an heir. for Reasons it can't be any of his fellow maegor black magic babies #(black magic babies can't have kids with each other bc they're barely fertile on their own lol) and his remaining options are aly & vaella #both of whom are out bc they're a) 14 and 11 respectively and also b) married and a future nun. shit happens.#viserys is a no cuz lysarra is Crazy and aegon knows it and respects it. that leaves jaehaerys 😁 the good dutiful fourth son 😁#the og machiavellian propaganda maker 😁 who will do Anything to get what he wants 😁 esp for the good of his house and the Realm 😁#long story short jaehaerys the nonbeliever to hardcore sevenist loser gets valyrian magic gender fuckery & gives birth to the heir <3 #a delight to negotiate with alysanne as im sure you understand. truly didn't almost end the marriage he rewrote the law and religion for #shit happens <3 long live the third prince of dragonstone aerys targaryen who is the second shipname baby future king #(the first was aenys. aegon = ae rhaenys = nys. now aegon the uncrowned that WAS crowned named his heir aegon = ae and jaehaerys = rys)#(bc naming his first daughter after aerea and his second after rhaena wasn't enough evidently. he is a crazy person)#(he names the twin [they're twins it is the worst year of jaehaerys's LIFE think renesmee & bella] alystair. for alysanne.)#(he is a crazy person x2.)#and that's on today's episode of:#blackened bones au

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forgotten-daydreamer · 1 month

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vent moment but my health is a bit worse than i let on, which is weird ik since it seems like complain about it all the time here, and apparently i also look sick, because two separate people in their 40s or 50s asked me, 24, if i needed their seat on the bus. kind of them. but humiliating nonetheless.

#medical stuff cw #i sat on the steps instead of taking their seat #vent cw #i have to take five different pills a day excluding birth control which i also take for health reasons but okay #i have to thank italy for its healthcare system because at least i dont have to pay a fuckton for all that stuff. except birthcontrol.#as i may have mentioned they found quite a bit of blood in my piss so im getting tested for ✨️cancer✨️#also because i've been having health issues which might be rated #my blood work is all off but i didnt get tested for tumoral cells specifically because i may have 'just' an autoimmune condition #so im on heavy duty antibiotics too now bc i also developed antibiotic resistance last year. anyway.#i need to take those and then they'll test my peepee again but this time they will also test explicitly for tumoral cells #because something is off and my previous blood work didnt point out what exactly #terrible anemia and other slightly-off numbers that however shouldnt be off considering my lifestyle #i eat almost everything. drink plenty of water. exercise. barely smoke. not even drinking anymore. i'm not too fat nor too skinny.#so. some of the numbers that are off dont really have a reason to be off which is why they are testing my blood and piss for cancer #but like. in 3 weeks because i have to take antibiotics and iron meds (not supplements. meds.) first #so my mind's trying to convince itself that i dont have a tumor. but what if i do? i know i dont. but not knowing makes me go insane #also i have to get tested for heart disease because that motherfucker is not working properly. doesnt pump enough blood to my brain.#i took an ekg and it came back pretty normal except for tachycardia #now i have to go get an holter ekg - but was told to wait until uni starts again bc i need that exam to be done when i have a daily routine #so basically they slap electrodes and shit on me for 24 hrs while i go do my shit around the city and then see how my heart behaved #because i cant stand without struggling to breathe and sometimes it happens when in laying down to.#sometimes i cant fall asleep because i cant breathe #at first the doc thought it might be a reflux issue but not. all good on that front.#so. we'll see. and i mean. i KNOW it's not cancer. like. i'd be dead by now bc i've been having these symptoms for five months #however. i dont know if it's not an autoimmune disease. and if it is? what am i gonna do?

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epicqtefail · 1 year

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oh no. really terrible animatic idea. im gonna have to do it.

#i swear soon i will post some complete drawings instead of just talking about drawing #i lowered my medication dose after 7 years because i was worried it was making attention dysregulation symptoms worse #and idk if i'm more myself now or something else but im having fun #im gonna say the former because im getting art ideas of similar flavour to my bi/o/shock art #and that was when i was at my most happiest and creative #i wish i'd been like that when i'd joined this community #i feel like i need to make a second impression #ive kinda sucked for the last 3 years #worried ive come across as uncaring and standoffish #you can tell im messing with brain shit because im oversharing hahaha #sorry

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katyobsesses · 8 months

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I think my glee obsession is returning in full force

#this is a nice feeling #i didnt have gleecast anywhere on my Spotify wrapped last year for the first time in... years!!!#but here i am listening to all the songs on repeat most of today #and reading glee fic #and looking at my currently abandoned fics #and having Thoughts™️ and headcanons and just...#special interest obsession shit #its calming and happy and sksgxkdk #also my reading brain is back which is SUCH a relief!#its been like 3 months of only being able to read a book in audiobook form #like my sister write this whol prophecy for our dnd campaign and i could not for the life of me understand it not matter how hard i tried #but last session i finally clicked #and im READING A PHYSICAL BOOK TOOOOOOOO #i just feel more settled because of it its nice #i think i really didnt like the weird weather the uk was having- it being HOT AS BALLS and then freezing like the next week #and then christmas and stress over bemefits happened #but now yhats mostly set... i think.. ish... its still confusing and scary #but ay least i have words i can read to escape it #katy liveblogs life #i am using tumblr like a diary rn ignore me 😂

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uranium · 2 months

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finished rewatching hannibal season 1 which i forgot is crazyyyyyyyyyy

#also really interesting to watch now #when i first saw it in early 2021 i was UNSTABLE was in a psychological horror for two years straight was starting to lose my mind #and it really really scared me because it wasnt anxiety it felt like something else locked in me finally showing its face #and so i really saw myself in encephalitis!will even if it probably actually made me even worse #but now i really feel like ive started to get a grip on myself...i can feel gravity keeping my feet returning to the ground #and im not the same person i was before everything blew up and my mind was turned into scrambled eggs in four different ways #but i at least feel like im starting to regain a stable sense of identity since 2023 and its been interesting to get to know a me #that has both anxiety and some weird shit struggling around my brain that im no longer afraid to look back at <3 #anyways. best show ever i wish they were lesbians instead. goodnight

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toastsnaffler · 2 months

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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<

#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together #i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week #all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds #also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn #ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself #but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates #gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard #but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh #and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism #like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since #n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on #its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it #and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions #+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf #so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead #its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths #just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea #but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke #so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close #ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual #happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all #and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves #like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me #and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway #doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3 #but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately #but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that #.diaries #okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo

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milkstoner · 2 months

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I don't have an insta 😔

I do have to respect that honestly.

#instagram is one of the worse social media apps i use it only to post my own photography and scroll on my fyp which is well curated somehow #btw if you’re trying to date dont communicate on instagram #exchange numbers. keep that boundary and keep it sacred #dont let whoever ur trying to date see your social media presence #even worse if their dms are on silent who tf are you and whose dms are you trying to avoid?surely not mine #how are you going to set up a date with me when your insta DMs are on silent. you havent responded to me and its been 6 hours the day of!!!#how is it 3 pm and its your day off and we were supposed to have a date but youre acting like youre beyoncé omg text me the fuck back #plus you haven’t texted me two whole days #and im mad about it cause that’s a very attractive long haired peruvian man i mean wow! fuck this #had to block cause even if there wasn’t any commitment im not letting myself be disrespected the fuck #anyway if a man asks for your Snapchat specifically he is a serial killer and he will murder you OR he is twenty years old or younger #if a man asks for your TikTok he thinks youre in high school. we all are too classy for TikTok #TikTok is the temu of apps just trashy altogether. you open and there’s aliexpress-reminiscent ads…ew…I’ve only posted a few times #but every time i open the app i feel like I’ll catch lice it just feels unclean #we talk about twitter and how ass it is to use which is fair but tiktok is worse i mean…UI nightmare #a man that uses TikTok is off the deep end you can’t save him #he’s frying up his attention span. meaning he wont be able to focus on you as he should because you are a queen #instead he’ll think about skibidi toilet or some shit does anyone know what that is?i dont #imagine kissing a man having no idea he has that fucking ‘oh no oh no oh nonono’ audio stuck in his head #a man should read a book and even then that should be fucking controlled #im reading Freud right now and its torture. tbf it does happen to be sexuality theories #girl its fucking gross #academia is cooked cause in what world do i get creds for reading the most wack books in the history of ever?#I’ve read 11 books and half of them were boring #this Freud included and its repulsive to read and not even true.#why is it 2024 and im still being taught untrue info just cause old man from old times wrote it #i could clear freud. he literally was a cokehead #in the end he’s a man like the rest of them and if you show him TikTok his brain cells will be cooked #so who won?

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that-spider-fan-over-there · 7 months

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*dusting off this old blog* Well it's been a while, isn't it?

#hello :D so I've been missing since September- scheduled queue aside #Life was stressing me out and I needed to cool off to focus on wrapping up the year else I'd lose it #then Life got worse by Sep-Oct (y'know. horrible real life events + personal stuff + holy shit I need to learn how to Adult)#forgot my password for a while so I was mostly on Twitter and it was Not Fun (and it still isn't)#and I remembered it by the end of January where I was getting most of my shit together and was mostly on Discord with friends #who were the reason I wasn't completely losing it so if you're reading this. thank you and I love you very much <3 #but I missed being on Tumblr and the friends/moots i made. just got nervous to come back here. idk why. brain works in weird ways.#it looks like I'm justifying why I wasn't here and on one hand. yeah it's kind of an update #but it's mostly because I don't like going out and returning like stuff wasn't happening so it's really a me thing so anxiety won't spike #idk if I'm gonna go missing like that again or not but. yeah i'm still alive #(felt good to write that last phrase so maybe *something's* going right in life)#but yeah i think i'm back (not 100% because. Life) and will do a pinned. if you read all of it thank you! :D #okay i'm gonna post this now before my brain decides it's a bad idea-

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moony4pads · 5 months

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*voice of a girl that zonned out 2 hours ago and does not now what is going on*: I Sleept 0 hours last night and is totally functioning

#i have been cursed by the insomina gods #yesterday i rejoyenced realising i regularly was gotton 7-8 hours of sleep in the nights of the holiday period #and overall my insomina has been looking up recently #like im talking up to 6 hours on a school night sometimes! (yes sometimes sschool starts at 11 but i still hav to lissen so is still school)#so the gods cursed me for being a celebratory duck and made me get 0 hours of sleep #no ajustment period to return to my insomiac fays to get used to the feeling of heavy eyelids like brics i cant hold open #this was w no changed to my routine btwwww en no extra stress specifically on that day i had not before had #so yeah fate was basicly like now that you have engnolged that ur improving i have to put you back to squere 1 #like a smakes and ladders board game but with numbers on the blokths #*SQUARES that js the word #how is it that this time last year i was regularly dealing w this shit and going through a functioning day like this #cant be me now #i have been spoiled by the sleep god and now i no longer now how to work on 0 hours of sleep an unmedicated brain and a crushing headache #(and it used to be that the days were i did get sleep i only got ever like 3-5 hours never any of this 7 hour shit i had saved up yet i #surviveded) i am no longer surviving succesfuly #my brain is too priocrepied trying to kwep my eyes open it cant think properly #there was a market today but i dint have the energy to go wich is a shame #also i am litterlay buried in dealdimes that i couldnt motivate myself to work on before i insominaed again so idk what ill do now #cry mabey but i am not feeling tears it is the buring jeeping my eyes open and they are not tears they are the regret of 3am me #insominac #insomnia #adhd #sleep #fail at life if lige is sleep and it is sleep in actuality #NO SLEEP BITCH LIKE COULD YOU NOT GAVE AT LEADT GIVEN ME 1 OR 2 HOURS JUST FOR FUNSIESES

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daz4i · 1 year

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i know aging isn't the end of the world and 24 isn't that old and life isn't a race etc etc etc. however,

#i think a big reason i feel so bad abt being this age is ppl told me this is when things start to get better #and i still feel the same way i did as a teenager so. well. is it really 😐#(being on t probably isn't helping but it's been over 3 years already so... not an excuse i think)#but I'm also physically aging like the reason i barely upload selfies anymore is i see myself getting uglier every day #despite fighting for my life to at least take care of my face and hair...... can't fight the passage of time 😔#+ ofc. my (younger) friends being way more sorted out than i am on every level #again ik life isn't a race but. it can't help but hurt to know I'm still behind literally everyone i know #and my excuses for that aren't even good. bc other disabled ppl my age are also more sorted out than i am #other depressed ppl other borderlines other autistics etc etc. hell these are also my irl friends 😭#and it's dumb. bc feeling like i wasted my life isn't really pushing me to change that now. just makes me want to die even more #(bc i mean what's the point. i will never catch up. I'm still at the starting line AND i move so slow it doesn't even count)#(i don't have a single milestone ppl my age have not even finishing high school which is like. the bare minimum)#(and it sucks bc i also know i have potential i KNOW i can do shit in theory i know I'm smart and got skills. but i can't put it to use)#(and now this is turning into less of a thing abt age and just generally me talking abt how i wasted the last 24 years)#this was more of a stressed rant abt how I'm turning ugly and feeling super old but well. it all boils down to self loathing at the end 👍#vent #negative //#ask to tag #sorry for being so depressing all day oof ik i already said it before but it's been a rough couple of months #(nothing happened my brain just needs to get flushed down the toilet ^_^)#edit: i think. part of my panic about aging. is bc as a kid i was used to being the youngest everywhere #i was the youngest in my class bc i started school a year early. i was the youngest in acting school bc they don't normally accept teenagers #and in addition to that as an adult but before starting t i was always told that i LOOK young too #but now ik i look like I'm in my 20s. and it's killing me that i aged this much in so little #i wonder if shaving my beard will help but i don't wanna get misgendered 😐😐😐 and rn it's the only thing guarding me from that

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monstriiss · 1 year

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ooc: stands here covered in blood holding starbucks in my reusable travel cup

#;; ooc.#do y'all still love me after dipping without a word again dignskfnfosj #not me trying to fill out a job application at 1am and then being like 'why wont my brain make the words go'#TRYING NOT TO GET PSYCHED OUT my god i hate this shit #pretty sure theyre not supposed to ask you half of the shit they are asking so im just #going to research a few things after i have slept to get a refresher on what my rights to privacy are #sir this is a local grocery store not the secret service i just want money can you give me the job or not #anyway im gonna be away/lurking for a while longer fam squad while i miss talking its been nice to have a break and just focus on irl things #two wins! washing machine has been repaired and i finally got my hands on some second hand boots that i have been hunting for 3 years #the seller was super nice and put up a buy now option when i asked if they would :)))#OH also got a new microwave AND managed to free my garlic bread from the broken one (it required surgery) (taking it apart)

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whatareyoudoingwithamaserati · 10 months

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Get yourself a man like original god. Who else is out here making rap pop experimental all fucking sorts of music. While ALSO having a metal band. With a trademark sound that I could pick up from miles away. He’s worked with kamiyada, babychaos, oni inc, qoiet, becko, sorry x, KELLIN QUINN. His album covers are guro inspired. He even cosplays

#okay to be fair oni inc works everuone under the sun I love a lot of his stuff but mans is putting out collabs literally every week #but the collab list is insane and tailored to my brain specifically because literally everyone there fucks #ANYWAYS #listening to mother I am suffocating this is my last song about you and just #heart eyes <3 #within the first two seconds I can instantly peg it as his because of his breathy slightly radio-distorted overlay and it’s SO GOOD #I eat that shit UP it is such a good fucking sound. and don’t even get me started on his screaming. because the quality is INSANE #how is he pulling off visceral ass lows and mid ranges and then switching to this atmospheric singing. I need to pry his brain open #cats.MUSEic #<- now that I have that tag I’ve become worse and I don’t feel one bit of shame. listen to me talk about my longest ever special interest #it’s been. hold on I need to count. eight years? probably longer tbh but it’s been fully realized for eight years

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