#this show makes me feel seen as a kid with religious trauma living in a town full of hypocrites like those in moralton

[zip-toonz]

A show about Hypocrisy

[lizzardthing]

uhm uhh i started talking about this and then i thought about it too much so i’m writing a post now about dethklok members and their childhood trauma and what it means to me yeah ok sorry it’s long, tw for basically like everything i guess

I really like how aside from animals and forces of evil and stuff each of the boys represent a very specific kind of childhood trauma that makes fucked up adults. And it’s not super explicit in the show but yeah we get into it.

First of all, Pickles is smart. And his entire problem is he’s too damn smart for his surroundings. He’s not book smart or school smart. His family has this plan lined up for him- you go to school, you get a job, you get married etc because that’s what NORMAL people do. But he’s not normal and that makes him not good enough. He’s not an addict because he’s stupid, he’s an addict because the kind of intelligence he has isn’t valued by his family or community, he’s a middle class midwestern average looking guy. He’s supposed to follow a set of rules. Being able to play basically any instrument? That’s not a VALUABLE skill. So he drinks. Cause that’s what you do in suburban hell, when there’s nothing left to do. And in Dethklok, the reason he finds true family is because they’re the ones that tell him in their stupid way, fuck that! We think you’re fucking smart! It doesn’t matter if you’re not good enough for those normie douchebags. You’re good enough for US. Fuck those assholes. You are valuable. I think Pickles represents people that were really devalued their whole lives because they were in the wrong place, with narrow-minded people. If you’re in his shoes, you need to remember, you do have value. You just need to find the family that sees that in you. You aren’t nothing. You matter.

Toki obviously has a lot of religious trauma, but also isolation. He’s made to believe from the beginning, it’s your job to serve. You will NEVER be important. You’re a worker. You lift heavy stuff. You organize. You pray. You lay down and take it because it’s what you deserve. You aren’t god, so you don’t deserve love. You should be seen and not heard. You should be invisible. And he’s so desperate to escape it that he never really gets to be a kid. He’s just a workhorse, and being childish or having fun is something that he can only do in secret, ashamed, his personality just stuffed down as small as possible. And when he finds Dethklok, this family that bullies him, yeah, but they LAUGH while they’re doing it, and they call him lazy, but yeah, they’re lazy too, he just. Wants to be a kid again. And then after he’s kidnapped he fully regresses because that experience fully threw him back in the hole he crawled out of, unexpectedly, back to the place where he feels he should be punished just for existing. He’s a good representation of how exhausting it is to be forced to be an adult before you’re ready. How much people don’t realize they should value their freedom to just PLAY and be SILLY, because not every kid does.

Skwisgaar has a couple things going on. He doesn’t have a dad, but that’s not really the issue. He thinks it is, but really, it’s more like he’s never experienced that people can care about each other without sex being involved. That’s why sex means nothing to him. He’s an endless void of sexual dissatisfaction, because he can’t actually connect with anyone he bangs. It’s just like playing his imagined frets- just energy he needs to get out, one way or another, anxiety and anger that needs any kind of release. Skwisgaar just loves music and being able to play whatever he wants, but also, I think Dethklok are the only people he can really care about, because they’re the only people he would absolutely NEVER have sex with. He’s forced to actually value them as people. He has no choice but to connect with them. He’s pretty narcissistic too, even more than the other members, and I think a lot of that comes from not being given enough attention as a kid. He has to put himself first because even his own mom was never going to. It wouldn’t really fit with the show, but I think Skwis is a good representation of people with sexual trauma, especially people who’s trauma makes them hyper sexual instead of the reverse. And Dethklok is a good family for him because they really don’t care how much he fucks, as long as he can play. His sexual prowess has zero value to them.

Nathan’s kind of fascinating because his trauma is just. One really messed up thing that he saw happen. That’s it. But that’s REAL, like it happens to a lot of people. You just experience one thing that was really horrible and it messed you up for life. You watch one accident or one train crash and it fills your mind so much, replaying over and over, it totally consumes you. He also has visions, which I think is a good metaphor for OCD or other disorders that mostly manifest internally. I think Nathan represents everyone that’s gotten sucked into darker stuff without really understanding why. Or people who are just born with depression or anxiety and there’s no “reason” behind it. And Dethklok LOVES that darkness in him. He’s the king, baby. He releases all that darkness into his lyrics, and because he has that release, in his regular day he’s able to be somewhat normal. He has an outlet that’s actually pretty healthy.

Murderface has my favorite backstory of all the boys, because his trauma is poverty. He lives in a trailer park in New Jersey with his grandparents (great-aunt-and-uncle? i don’t remember but it doesn’t matter.) He says that his big traumatizing event was his parents murder-suicide, but that’s not really what messed him up, he was an infant. He’s messed up because of how his life played out after that, totally out of his control. He had to with his geriatric family that completely didn’t want him. He was bullied in school because his grandma didn’t do laundry. He was gross and rude, because no one taught him proper hygiene or how to talk to people. He was a little shit because everyone treated him like shit. He never had a chance. He isolated himself because it’s easier to be alone, when you’re pretending that you chose to be alone. And he’s the best in regards to his found family arc, because he hates himself so much he fully didn’t realize until the very end of the story, that’s WHY Dethklok loves him. He sucks! He’s negative and bitchy and they need that! He has a home with them. They value his grossness, his whinyness, his bad attitude, how much he just hates everything. He’s such an annoying asshole that it’s actually really nice. He has a perspective that none of them have. He SUCKS. No one else in the world sucks the way he does.

Anyway. I just. Really like them. I really like that they’re all fucking messed up weirdos that found each other and love each other only the way that people who really can’t stand each other do.

[autistic-skeletons]

Good Omens season 2 is about what religious trauma does to indoctrinated people, and here’s why.

so i finally watched Good Omens after my friends BEGGED me to ever since the first season first dropped and even though the ending stabbed me in the balls repeatedly for several hours i can’t help but marvel about how genius the ending really is and how crucial it is to both Aziraphale and Crowley as characters

i was hesitant to watch this show bc i was indoctrinated and conditioned by evangelicalism from birth (i’m literally the kid of two ex-missionaries and my dad was a chaplain for 36 years) and i knew that i could easily get triggered if i wasn’t careful.

i’m so glad i watched this show. there’s many reasons but i really just wanna talk about the ending of s2 aka The Divorce. it went entirely over my friends heads bc none of them grew up in the church but when i watched the ending it felt like i was watching pieces of myself at war with each other even though they didn’t want to be. to me, i was watching two people so broken by heaven and hell that they don’t understand that what they’re doing is hurting themselves more than it’s hurting each other. this is a pretty long ramble so i’ll continue under the cut

Aziraphale and Crowley are two halves of the same coin (literally soulmates) and are narrative foils to each other. obviously right, i mean, everyone noticed that. but what they truly represent in the grand scheme of things is the fallout of religious trauma. Crowley has seen the absolute Worst of heaven and the angels. he’s been outcast, scorned, and tortured for (assuming based on the opening scene of season 2) simply asking questions and questioning his faith. Aziraphale is the poster child of what a good angel is in the eyes of heaven and has reaped the benefits for millennia.

what is happening here is a war between two halves of a whole, Denial vs Bitterness.

as a young child it was drilled into my head over and over that my faith had to be as strong as a rock all the time or i would crumble like sand. i idolized all the bible characters and memorized all the verses and did all the good and right things i was supposed to. i was a standard in all the churches i went to, i was the example of what a good christian was, and i knew it.

then, over time, i began to see behind the curtain on what was really going on in the church and i was devastated. how could something based on love do all of that? why am i so scared to think freely? why do i feel like i can never be good enough? the more i questioned the more shame i felt and the more bitter i became, but i longed to go back to that innocence of being the best little christian kid in the church.

Aziraphale cannot truly comprehend the uncomfortable reality that what he’s been subscribing to all this time isn’t good for him. heaven has been hurting him for a long time and he doesn’t understand that. how can something he thinks is so right, so true, so good hurt him and his friends so much? no, it must be something he’s done right? it must be some bad apples right? the whole orchard can’t be bad right? he just has to fix this. he just has to make it better for him and for Crowley and then everything will be ok again.

Crowley can’t wrap his mind around why Aziraphale cares so fucking much. hasn’t he seen what heaven and hell have done? they barely stopped the end of the fucking world!!! they tried to destroy both of them with holy water and hellfire!!!!! they’re still trying to meddle in their personal lives after everything!!! why is Aziraphale so stubborn???? why does he choose something so asinine over him? Crowley has been there for Aziraphale a hell of a lot more than heaven has, can’t he see that?

both of them are hurting deep down into their very souls and they just can’t see it. that’s what religious trauma does to you. it strips you so bare of your personhood that without your religion, who are you? without your god, you’re just an empty shell. you’re nothing without “us”, without the church.

without Aziraphale trying and failing to fix heaven, he’s never gonna understand how corrupt of a system it all is.

without Crowley learning that Aziraphale is hurting just as much as he is, he’s never gonna learn that Aziraphale really had his best intentions at heart and just wanted to do what he thought was the good thing

without both of them realizing that they’re both wrong, they’re never gonna come together and really stand up for themselves and for their friends and for earth as a whole. without this grief, without this pain, without this separation, they’re never going to be truly free

and i, for one, cannot wait to see them kick some ass when they decide that enough is enough

[nataliaphantomhivesblog]

The generational abuse in Moral Orel

I literally watched this show a few weeks ago and made it my whole entire personality lol

So one of my favorite messages in Moral Orel is defiently based on how having kids when you are still dealing/repressing trauma is never a good idea because you will eventually pass on that trauma to your kids, with or without intention.

I mean, besides the absolutely beautiful lesson about how family shouldn't be something made out of obligation but out of love, the latter message sticks out to me quite a lot.

For starters we have Bloberta and Clay, In the outsiders eyes they may seem like the best parents ever, but as a viewer, we are aware of how god awful they are at parenting.

Blorberta reduces her responsabiltiy as a mother to cooking, cleaning, and briefly attending to her childrens physcial needs.

She is barley attentive to her childrens emotional needs and always ignores them and tries to brush off their emotions to feel better about her own self.

Another thing is that although shes physically there, she isn't actievely present in her childrens lives and is always in the background.

Orel never goes to her for guidance, and although that could be rooted in misogony another main reason is because she dismisses Orel constantly, telling him to go tell father or to go pray to God instead because shes busy cleaning.

Orel naturally has heavily been accostumed to not go to his mother for help unless it deals with food, clothes or messy rooms.

Then theres Shapey, who is obviously heavily neglected. His "bad" behaviors are manifested because of that constant negligence, she never once taught him anything and she will never bother to do so.

Shes always throwing Shapey around to Orel, making Orel the responsible one for Shapeys un-ethical behavior instead of realizing the reason he acts this way is because of the lack of an adult authoritive figure.

Most of her interaction with her kids are based on her giving them lunches, cleaning their room or when she lightly reprimands her kids when they get in the way of her cleaning.

Bloberta is a cold, cruel and emotionally distant mother...but why is that exactly?

Well, we can sort of blame the enviorment around her. Women in society, especially in a very religious society, are only respected when they are seen as "useful".

In Moralton, its clear that a womans worth is based on their usefulness for the people around them, ESPECIALLY their husbands and kids.

This very warped viewed on womanhood caused Bloberta to believe that the only right way to be a mother is just to be helpful enough in a physcial way, she never learned about the importance of emotionally nurturing her kids because in her eyes, thats the own kids job to do.

But the enviorment around her wasn't the only reason as to why shes a god awful parent, lets take a look at her family background.

Bloberta grew up with 3 siblings, and for some reason, her mother considered Bloberta to have an unimportant and neutral role in the family.

In turn, Bloberta felt useless, unloved and unwanted. The only person in the family who tried to help Bloberta was her dad, but even he couldn't stomach connecting with her unless he was drunk enough to do so.

So anyways, she's dealing with all this internalized urge to be of use in her own house.

Her decision to settle down with Clay was flat out obviously not out of love, but out of a need to be percieved as wanted.

It was both for her own personal need and to finally succeed in societal image's standards.

She also seems to be someone who cares a whole lot about her looks. She cares about them to the point she doesn't let anyone see her messy hair, baggy eyes, and lack of makeup. Including her own family.

She doesn't feel comfortable enough to show her true self to her own family. She keeps up an image even with her own blood.

Clay obviously never loved her from the beggining so she starts looking for external love aswell.

Which is why she cheats on Clay with Danielle and seeks sexual attention from Dr. Potters Wheel.

So all in all, she is basically seen as an extention to her husband and kids, which causes her to feel well...numb.

This numbness eventually is what makes her to start actively self harm. She feels absolutely nothing for her husband and kids besides this socital need to be seen as a good wife and mother.

One can argue that she does care for her kids, but it's not deep care, it's out of duty.

Although Orel can be naive, he does subconciously take in that her mother is never there in his personal life. In the episode "movie primere" Bloberta is only mentioned twice, because she has never tried to gain any type of connection with her kids.

Orel also admits that Stephanie (a peeson he JUST met) radiates more kindness than his own mother.

The reason she never reached out for her kids in an emotional sense was because no one ever did that with her as a kid, she doesn't know how to do it, she doesn't know how to deal with her own kids emotional needs because she herself has a looot of repressed urges and stress.

She doesn't bother to deal with her childrens pain because shes too busy trying to repress her own.

So thats the reason Bloberta is a god awful mother... Is it justified? Of course fucking not!!! But its totally okay to be able to sympathize and understand her.

Now we have Clay... Boy this is going to be a ride.

Also Clay's parenting towards Shapey and doesn't fully count, they aren't actually his kids. Is the way he neglects Shapey okay? Hell no but we can't expect him to care for him when he struggles to be attentive to his actual son.

Unlike Bloberta, Clay is way more present in Orel's life than she ever is, and although this should be considered a good thing, theres many factors that say the contrary.

Orel's almost-instict reaction when he wants advice is "gee... I have to ask dad!" that includes even asking him during unreasonable times, for example, when hes sleeping or when it's waaay to early in the morning.

This gives us an understanding that Orel trusts his father to guide him.

Without context, that's the sweetest thing ever until we realize Clay constantly spanks, gives hypocritcal lectures and constantly tries to drain the natural curiosity in Orel.

His way of connection through Orel is through scolding him, through reprimanding him and through physical abuse (well—Clay doesn't consider it physcial abuse but we all know damm well that it is).

He sometimes gives little pats in the head or puts his hands on his shoulder as a small way of normal parental physical reassurance but thats about it.

As for emotional reassurance, it's very scarce.

Clay avoids any external conversations with his child unless it involved any sort of scolding or hypocritcal lessons.

He once openly admits he loves Orel but it was worded pretty interesting: "Oh Orel, I could never love you more! People only have a certain amount of love in them and im afraid I have to divide mine up between atleast a dozen people.... But remember son, I love you enough."

His argument here is that he loves too many people so he can't spend it all on Orel, but the true reason he can't fully love Orel is a much more sinister reason.

Let's talk about Clay's background shall we?

Clay grew up for 12 years very pampered by his mother. His father was much more stern and lacked much warmth but he still tried to be present for his son.

His mother made Clay believe that he was the most precious thing to her, until later Clay starts finding out about his mothers multiple miscarriages which causes him to have a full existencial crisis.

He wouldn't have existed if it weren't for the previous miscarriages.

This causes Clay to pull a really childishly cruel prank where he plays dead to worry his mother and father.

What Clay expected from this prank was to be reassured that no matter the previous miscarriages, he will always be loved by his mother the most.

Well... Lets just summarize that Clays mothet has a weak heart and in turn died of shook.

Ever since that incident his father blamed Clay for the death of his mother.

Arthur (clays dad) would hit him, and Clay started to view that as affection because thats the only fatherly acknwoledgement Clay ever got to know.

So Clay would purpously rile his father up so that he can hit him and give him the desperate fatherly attention he craved.

But Arthur noticed this, and instead of realizing how much he's fucked up his own childs perception of love, he completely stops paying attention to Clay, basically disowning him without ever kicking him out of the house.

So now we understand why Clay connects with his son through physical abuse, right? This was the only fatherly attention he ever got as a kid and he doesn't know what else he can do to show his kid love since he never got it himself.

And although this is an unpopular opinion, Clay really was trying to put an effort into being a good father. In "beforel Orel" he didn't talk to Orel because he was nervous about his parenting.

It was until he faced his father again which gave him the outmost confidence to parent Orel in a way that his own father never did.

His parenting skills are obviously the worst though lol.

Orel may have loved his father, but his subconcious feared him.

One time when Orel made a stopmotion he drew Clay as a scary wolf saying that his dad was made as a dog because "he's loyal and good." Orel understandably feared his father, I mean the only way he properly interacted with him was through his father hitting and scolding him.

Now, something important to consider is that Clay never wanted to get married, he confirms this in the episode of season 3 "help". He got manipulated in a marriage with Bloberta and it was too late to pull back.

His horrible marriage with Bloberta aswell as being tied to a family and job that he didn't actually want start to make him extremely miserable.

Which causes him to drown out all his pain with alcohol.

But funnily enough, alcohol only worsens his pain more.

In the nature p1 AND p2 episodes, we realize how much alcohol Clay consumes, which is honestly really disturbing.

So basically in those episodes, Clay takes Orel to a haunting trip, trying to continue the Puppington tradition (funnily enough, that tradition was cut short after Clay's mothers death).

Orel being a normal child, wasn't really keen on killing animals, so he was already quite nervous about the hunting trip.

When they arrive to the reserve, Clay is drinking and he doesn't stop, each time he drinks out of frustration that Orel hasn't killed any animal.

Orel gives up and doesn't kill anything, telling Clay that he isn't comfortable hunting with his him. He then proceeds to call him "too drunk" which in return makes Clay mad.

Clay proceeds to call Orel as pessimist by saying his cup is always half empty, which is ironic considering Orel is naturally one of the most positive characters in the whole series.

He then goes onto a rambling, confusing bright with "blight" and then admiting his own life is truly full of blight, he starts crying and then says how he hates himself.

Orel starts tearing up himself, never expecting to see his dad in such a state.

The bottle in his hands start yelling at him "WHY DO YOU QUIT WORKING ON ME?" implying that Clay would expect the alcohol to drown out the pain but instead amplifies it more.

He then starts rambling again, he is quite literally talking about women and how they force you into something you don't want and "squeeze things out of you."

I think the "women" he's proyecting on is defiently Bloberta. He didn't want a marriage, but he was manipulated and obligated into one anyway, and then public image caused them to force themselves into having a child.

Clay didn't want that, he didn't want to be tied down this way. He expected that having a family could make him feel alright, but that eventually quit "working on him" because it wasn't what he evidently needed.

His rant on women can also tie down to his own repressed homosexuality, which makes this all too sad.

Later on, Clay foolishly starts handeling his gun with no safety on and accidently shoots Orel in the leg.

Instead of apologizing he asks "what have you done?" and Orel responds "I got shot by you..." his passive sentence here gives us an understanding that he is still processing that his own dad shot him.

When Clay opens the first aid kit, he sees the rubbing alcohol and drinks it up instead of applying it on his son, which causes Orel to finally say "I hate you."

This was Orels moment of realization.

Clay being drunk and obviously dismissive of the power of Orel's words just brushes it off by saying "Hate away, sister. Hate away."

When Clay sobers up the next morning, he completely acts as if he didn't shot his son, not wanting to accept he hurt his son that way aswell as not wanting to accept the blame.

Orel also lied to Clay that day, telling him that Clay shoot the bear and not Orel himself, because he didn't feel like his dad was someone worth making proud. He wasn't worth it.

When they return home, Orel has a conversation with his mother asking her why she married dad in which Bloberta responds "why not?"

This has been Blorberta's whole thinking process ever since she met Clay, "he's an attractive man and I have to marry soon to prove my worth so why not?"

She never choose Clay out of love, but out of mere obligation and pressure.

When Orel tells her mom that when Clay drinks he changes, Bloberta finally confirms to Orel that he doesn't change, that its just his true nature coming out.

All those repressed emotions, toxic masculinity, societal pressure, labor stress, awful marriage, and the crumbling of his perfect image.

Thats Clay's true nature, how he feels about himself and how he deals with it is what makes him who he is.

Afterwards, we have an amazing episode called "Sacrifice".

This episode is the most self-awarness we will ever get from Clay.

So this takes place literally after the haunting trip, Clay overhears the previous conversation between Blorberta and Orel.

He then also finds out his wife has been desiring Dr. Potters Wheel. So he decides to drown all that out by going to a bar.

In this episode, Clay kickstarts into a series of alcohol induced rants.

He initally focuses on the term sacrifice, feeling as if he's sacrificing his own happiness for his kids.

Clay thinks that by economically supporting and lecturing his kids is enough to give them satisfaction. It's a really hypocritcal rant because although he does mantain the whole family, he also made his family life miserable by keeping his awful marriage with Bloberta and drinking alchol to drown his sorrows.

Aftee a whole series of events unfold...Clay's monolouge gets deep.

"maybe there was a jerkoff called Darwin after all and that you never acknowledged his existence, because you knew deep inside that you were really what you feared you were: Weak, and passive, and ultimately broken by the ones who were made the fittest. And then through your weaknesses you built up a poison, that poisoned others around you... That you love..."

He then starts tearing up when he says that, unable to truly finish the sentence. He ultimately knows that he destroyed a dynamic with the only person in the family that genuienly loved him.

He feels hurt, he feels torn, but the guilt won't make the bullet hole go away (literally).

I also have to mention that Clay wss desperately trying to poke at the people who were in the bar, expecting them to beat him up. He wanted to be beat up, to be proven that he is worth it, Clay used to measure his wortfulness over how well he parented Orel. But after the incident, he can't even feel slightly worth it, thats why he needs to be proven by others that he is.

But everyone leaves him alone, because he truly isn't worth it anymore. And he knows it.

It is also implied by Orel that Clay has hid away in his study for 6 months. He stayed away from Orel out of personal disgust and guilt, but refussing to change and take responsibility.

During Honor, we see Orel desperately trying to find a way to still honor his father, so reverend putty tells him to go to talk to someone who truly loves his dad to find out the reasoning behind it.

Orel then goes to Danielle.

Now Danielle was actually upset with Clay because he saw him kissing Censordoll.

He was hurt because well, he loves Clay and Clay would rather get physical with another woman for buisness issues over giving Danielle the actual love he feels for him. (once again, repressed homosexuality!!!)

Orel and Danielle basically hang out throughout the whole day, which causes Clay great jealousy and discomfort.

He then drags Bloberta and his two illegilimate kids to Danielle's home.

He burts through Danielle's door and tells him to stay away from Orel because.... "he's not yours I am."

Cats out of the bag now, am I right folks?

Sadly, thats not the case.

He immedietly brushes off what he said and hugs Orel, looking lovingly into Danielle's eyes.

"Oh how I miss you... Orel"

"I need you in my life... Orel"

"and I..."

He then pushes Orel away and walks towards Danielle, repeating "I love you" mulitple times but ends the last "I love you" with Orel's name. Still trying to shield his very obvious declaration of love.

Danielle was the only person that Clay actually loved that didn't involve manipulation, obligation, or mommy issues.

But of course, he screwed it up. It was too late.

Clay deprived himself of the arguably healthiest love he would ever have.

After this episode, we get a beautiful time skip

The time skip includes Orel finally marrying Christina.

Christina is someone that Morelton looks down upon because of her differing beliefs.

But Orel gives a damn about image, he loved Christina as a kid and always has.

In turn of marrying someone he truly loves, he had children he truly wanted with her.

Like the Reverend said "family is sometimes a group of people that are forced to live together but every so often, a miracle happens."

The miracle was Orel choosing his own life without the need of societal pressure. Orel genuienly marrying for love.

In the end scene, we see all the happy kids sitting with Orel while Christina sits next to him.

And in the back we see Clay and Blorberta, who grew old together and never divorced.

They are miserable and will always be miserable.

Orel, however? He learned not to follow into their footsteps.

He broke the chain. And I admire his braveness.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Bengiyo's Queer Cinema Syllabus

For those who are not aware, I have decided to run the gauntlet of @bengiyo’s Queer Cinema Syllabus and have officially started Unit 3: Faith and Religion. The films in Unit 3 are: But I’m a Cheerleader (2000), Prayers for Bobby (2009), Latter Days (2003), Blackbird (2014), The Wise Kids (2011), Henry Gamble’s Birthday Party (2015)

Today I will be writing about

Henry Gamble’s Birthday Party (2015) dir. Stephen Cone

[Run Time: 1:27, Available on: tubi, Lang: English] 

Summary: Henry Gamble, a 17-year-old preacher's son, wrestles with sexuality, alcoholism and faith during his birthday party.

Cast: *Cole Doleman as Henry Gamble *Elizabeth Laidlaw as Kat Gamble, Henry's mother *Pat Healhy as Bob Gamble, Henry's father *Nina Ganet as Autumn Gamble, Henry's sister *Patrick Andrews as Ricky Matthews, recent suicide survivor *Hanna Dworkin as Bonnie Montgomery, the most miserable woman on the planet *Francis Guinan as Larry Montgomery, Bonnie's husband

(side note, I should start keeping tallies about how many movies on this syllabus come from Wolfe production company)

___

Well, we’ve reached the end of the line for Unit 3 with this one, and I have to say, I do think I like this piece from Stephen Cone better than I enjoyed The Wise Kids. (Though, honestly, I probably owe The Wise Kids a rewatch because of where my head was at when I watched that piece.)

Now, I am not religious, and I don’t have the kind of religious trauma that I think would make some of these films speak to me more, and the thing I kind of like with Stephen Cone’s pieces is that the queerness doesn’t intersect with religion as much as religion and queerness exist in the same space, if that makes sense. Like is there some internalized homophobia going on, there is some external homophobia going on, but…The Wise Kids and Henry Gamble’s Birthday Party have seemed more like stories where there are gay, religious kids, rather than the gays (or at least main gay character) suffering under the weight of religion which films such as Prayers for Bobby and Latter Days portray. [Do not get me wrong, gays suffering under the weight of religion is still present in both films, it just feels secondary to the main thread]. 

As such, I think I found myself connecting more, and being more interested in the plot of the mother and her daughter, Autumn as well as to the portrayal of the small town, white, religious adults. Henry Gamble’s Birthday Party is extremely legible in showing what the characters are feeling without really having to say anything about it. You can tell that Henry’s mother is Straight Up Not Having A Good Time Right Now from the first second we see her on screen, you can tell there is some level of tension between her and her husband, you can tell how tenuous Ricky’s stability is from the moment he walks in the door. 

I liked how there was cross talk, and how there were references to people and to conversations that happened that we were not a part of. It makes the film seem real and lived in, I liked how easily I was able to identify the queer kids, and how I suspect a few more characters (cough cough, Jon) are queer and either not aware of it or are hiding/suppressing it. 

But more importantly, I really enjoyed how much of this film was dedicated to water and to wine.

Like, every single time these kids jumped in the pool I could think of nothing else but baptism. Every time an adult poured themselves a mug of wine, and another adult complained about it I could do nothing but think about Jesus turning water to wine, and how the sacrament is taken with wine. Yet here, in the home, the wine must be hidden, the adults can’t be seen drinking around the children, etc. 

And maybe it’s cause I’m no longer 17, but while Henry’s journey throughout the film is important, I spent more time focusing on Kat, on Ricky, and on Bonnie throughout this film. Kat just seems to be going through the routine, stuck in a life it feels like she doesn’t want or possibly never wanted, and being mostly ignored. Ricky is the subject of a lot of conversation and gossip, but no one really knows how to treat him normally after a suicide attempt, and Bonnie is the most miserable woman to ever walk the earth. 

I think what is the most notable to me is how people change over the course of the movie. In water, Henry comes to finally accept his feelings for Logan, in water the very clearly bored adults get to have some fun, those who entered the water exited with change, and those who did not remained relatively the same. The same goes for the wine. The adults that drank wine went through some sort of change, while the adults who didn’t ended up staying relatively the same. By this I mean Bonnie, because she was the only person who did not swim or drink. 

With the wine, Kat tells Autumn a secret, you know the kind that mothers only tell their eldest daughters. With the wine, Kat and Autumn heal a part of their relationship. With the wine, Larry just gets real chill with queer people real quick. With the wine, Kat and Bob end with a separation. 

So I think that was the most compelling aspect. Bonnie is judgemental about sex, porn, etc. and thusly she does not approve of swimming, because of girls being in scantily clad outfits. Bonnie is judgemental about alcohol consumption and thusly she is annoyed that her husband is sneaking wine. Bonnie does not invest in earthly pleasures, and so she is just the most miserable person by a mile and she just spends all of her time making everyone around her miserable as well. She’s just an empty person who does not know how to get out of it, and her personal perception of religion is keeping her excluded from connection and joy. In my opinion at least. 

Ricky is just a kid I feel bad for. He’s trying to get his life back on track, he’s trying to get back some sense of normalcy and instead he is gossiped about constantly and kept in the dark about whether or not he is going to be a camp counselor again. You can see him just constantly trying to hold it together, until he just stuck in the bathroom and can’t get out. Where it all falls to pieces. Now. We hear a rumor about Ricky that we have no way to corroborate, but considering this is a film about faith and religion, let’s just say that the intense self harm that Ricky participates in feels very much like he is trying to absolve himself of sins through some form of self punishment. 

Overall, I think this film was a good one to end on and I am sure it would have a lot more to say to me if I had a better understanding of religion, but this is what I kind of found. 

For/By/About 

I think this one is a By and About queer people film. I don’t think enough of the plot revolved around queerness and religion to really be for queer people. This film seemed more of a rated E for everyone situation 

Favorite Moment

By far my favorite moment of the film is Autumn and Kat talking in the car. I loved this quiet moment between mother and daughter, where Kat allows Autumn to see some of her flaws and where Kat apologizes for any harm she may have caused Autumn over the years. It’s a very vulnerable moment that brought me both sadness and joy.

Favorite Quote

“No. We’re doing it all wrong. You, you’re gay, that’s fine, the Lord made you that way, fine. Fuck it.” 

This is said by one of the older men at the party, Larry, who is piss drunk at this point. But has just witnessed Ricky exiting the party with his mother after a super massive self harm incident, and who I think comes to some pretty quick conclusions about the ways in which religion and faith can have an extremely negative impact. The scene itself does feel a little bit like when Nomi’s mother ate a really good weed brownie at Nomi and Aminita’s wedding and was suddenly cured of her transphobia in Sense8, but nevertheless it is another moment I think of showing transformation through the consumption of wine (aka Christ’s blood). 

Score

8.5/10

I enjoyed this film, found it compelling, thought there was some really great acting, and I absolutely loved how the film ends full circle with the same shot of Henry that we open the film on.

I am knocking half a point off for the fact that I had to watch a straight sex scene in this film (however brief) but there was no queer physical/romantic/sexual intimacy portrayed on screen. (Unless you want to count the masturbation scene at the very beginning of the film, but I think the jury is out on that one). 

And with this I move on to Unit 4: Heartbreak Alley, a section that I am certain will be nothing but sunshine and rainbows, and which I am unsure if I should start before or after the holidays.

[ask-a-rare-person]

I have questions about agere as a person who wants to age regress.

one. How do you exactly like.. get into the brain or like mindset of a regressed child/toddler? I try to age regress whenever I feel very tired and exhausted from life but then I never seem to fit into the mindset. I don’t know if it’s the fact I was a more mature kid at a young age or maybe my Asperger’s but I just feel so exhausted and stressed and need an outlet or something to help relieve my mind and tiredness.

two. Is it normal if you feel odd or weirded out by the thought of using equipment or things that most people enjoy when regressed? Like I try to watch stuff like kid shows that help regress people easier, color, even try playing with kiddie toys. But I never seem to get regressed or even enjoy it if I tried to think like a child, instead feel like I’m making a fool of myself or just weirded out at the fact I’m doing it.

three. what is it like to be regressed, is it like spectating yourself acting and moving and living like a regressed child or is it some kind of spiritual kinda experience feeling? I just.. am very curious and want to know if I ever am able to regressed.

Of course! I’m glad you asked!

1.

I started doing it involentarily. And in public. So that really sucked, lol. I wasn’t even quite sure what was happening as I know very little about age regression but was quickly able to figure it out. I can’t explain how to get into it for the first time, as it just sort of happened for me. Some of my regression tirggers are thinking about past trauma, watching tv shows I used to watch or something I would have at the time, stuff like that.

The real benefit I get from age regression is trauma processing and making new “childhood” memories, both of which can be done without “true” age regression. You really don’t need to worry about doing it right or actually regressing. Just identify what you want from age regression and try to get it in any way possible. If you end up regressing, cool! If you don’t, what does it matter? I’d also recommend looking up age dreaming(basically pseudo regression without the headspace change) it would probably be a lot easier for you

2.

Right off the bat, I would say to take the idea of normalcy and throw it out the window. Just as general life advice, lol. Also, I felt that same way. It’s apart of our social programming to feel repulsed, ashamed, awkward, etc while doing something childish. What really matters is if you like it or not. Sometimes you’ll know that immediately, sometimes it’ll take some time. It’s possible you have a lot of built up baggage around acting childish, and that may need to be worked through before even having hope of regressing. Littles can be really…hide-y. Especially if your current headspace and ideas are inherently unwelcoming to them. Especially if your goal is *voluntary* regression. You probably will have to really be intensive about clearing out these insecurities before you can see a result like age regression.

3.

I would say it’s both at the same time. It’s something very beautiful and powerful, and it is apart of my religion as well. Not everyone in my community does it but it is considered spiritual because we are spiritual people who do things in spiritual ways. But honestly, I think even using spirtual in a non religious sense, yeah. It definitely is. I’d also compare it to a ratatouille experience.

Or maybe DID but instead of having different personalities, I just have different snap shots of myself living in my head. They come out when they want to and then I just sort of…observe. Once we were “co-fronting” (if I were to use system language bc tbh I don’t think singlet regressors have a word for this), I showed my little self soem of my drawings to see what they thought and they said “I’ve seen better.” So yeah, definitely something kid-me would have said and we were having a back and fourth conversation. This only happened once, though. This also involved a bit of….deep listening to even get an answer. Kinda meditative.

If you have anymore questions please let me know!!

[local-redhead-bookworm]

I just got back from seeing Avatar: Way of Water and I’m about to make it everyone’s problem.

First off, the movie was absolutely visually stunning. The planet, the locations, the animals, all of it was gorgeous. Some of the most gorgeous shots I’ve ever seen.

I loved the Metkayina designs. They were clearly designed with water life in mind—the wider tails, wider arms to allow for better swimming. I also noticed inspiration drawn from Māori tattoos for their facial markings.

I loved all the kids, but Spider is definitely my favorite. It just makes me so sad that this kid has grown up never fitting in with the humans or the Na’vi and has been barely tolerated by most adults in his life. I have a lot of thoughts on Spider, but that’s a whole separate post. Basically I love him, I want him to be safe, and he’s a kind kid with a big heart and I’ll defend him to my dying day.

Kiri is a close second favorite. I was literally thinking “are there autistic Na’vi?” Before watching this and I kind of got my answer. Yes, i do 100% see Kiri as autistic. Also she’s canonically epileptic, which I thought was interesting. I just want more disabled characters that are interesting and contribute to the story, and she delivers. I also think it’s so cool that they gave her such a close connection with Eywa (no I don’t have religious trauma leave me alone). My only complaint is that Sigourney Weaver’s voice doesn’t…sound like a teenager’s voice to me. She plays the part very well, but her voice throws me off a bit.

I think it’s very interesting what they’ve done with Quaritch’s character. By making him a clone, you basically start over. He’s got all the memories but basically only a year or so of life experience and a lot of that influences how he interacts with the world, especially Pandora since he’s experiencing it from a new angle. He also noticeably softens toward Spider and while it may have started as manipulative, I do think he genuinely cares for Spider by the end. He reminds me a bit of early-show Zuko, and I can see him getting redeemed through his bond with Spider. I really want to see him link with a Spirit Tree, the existential crisis it would cause would make for great writing.

I don’t feel that Jake has been super poorly written, but I feel that we’re seeing him acting in survival mode so I don’t know what his relationship with his kids is usually like. I understand why he would revert to military training in a time of crisis.

I do feel like Jake has forgotten what it was like to be human in some ways, like he’s forgotten that he wasn’t always Na’vi. He does great his boys like they’re soldiers under his command, and I feel like his treatment of Spider shows just how much he’s forgotten what it was like to be human. What it was like to live in a world that wasn’t compatible with his body.

I also feel like Jake doesn’t have a full grasp of Na’vi culture still, and he sometimes overrides Neytiri when he should listen to her experience. Again, I understand the reasoning, it just annoys me.

Neytiri got shoved to the side a bit, in my opinion. She was in character, and I understand all of her responses, but I felt that Jake didn’t always treat her as an equal or value her knowledge enough. I don’t quite have words for how her emotions impact her character, but they’re all very impressed words. Just wow.

The tulkun are so cool to me. It started out as just kind of a whaling story, but you realize that these creatures are sentient, they’re capable of thought, they’re deeply intelligent beings. They’re people, plain and simple. And seeing the whaling analogy paired with the fact that these creatures are people, it made me nearly cry. Seeing them being murdered and their bodies desecrated for a tiny bit of profit had me cringing in my seat and made me so angry.

Random thoughts in no particular order:

Tsireya is so pretty I love her. She reminds me of a fantasy Elf for some reason.

Quaritch attempting the “death by thighs” move was unexpected, but not entirely unwelcome. I’m used to seeing femme fatale characters use that move, and I’m pretty sure I was blushing.

All of the Sully boys have daddy issues now, and Spider also has mommy issues

The “why so blue?” dad joke and Spider getting the one “fuck” of the movie made me laugh

[astridlikesmythology]

'https://64.media.tumblr.com/576c7b6f2899350f0b12cf28f723eb8d/66a2bf1b5b7f6451-2d/s640x960/862edbd24a7ac298acaf739128e729ae31a6728d.pnj

I watched some Snoopy clips on Twitter, it's a cheaply veiled PSA for gov't propaganda: Hey kids you want to be a Scientist, they're cool… Snoopy pretends to fly. Point is even if you never watched Snoopy indoctrinate you:

We're all ingrained with the idea this life is the only one we must live for. But if we pay attention we rarely make it to our 100th attempt at any one thing because our soul gets bored with creation [created things], we need our CREATOR to fill us that is fulfillment.

Tim Keller said the problem with modern people is we feel we deserve a good life, meaning we don't deserve bad things. As a result, rather than accept what is, & try to learn what each event is teaching us about ourselves. We instead try to find a way to force reality to fit our desires or perspective.

[Tim Keller: Power for Facing Trouble]

In 1973 Karl Menninger wrote book noting how society replaced morals with medical model: For most of our problems, we use a medical model.

For example: People who are terribly bitter, they will not forgive. But what do they say: They’re hurting, never admit they’re bitter. Hurting—that’s a medical term for a moral problem. You do NOT have a medical problem; you’ve got a moral problem!

Research findings show 90% of Americans believe they show the kind of love in life, that if everybody showed, would make Society all right. Yet Psychologists say no one is ever healed because we are constantly being damaged by others.

Even Brain Surgeons have noted the brain surprisingly does not feel pain & Dr. Wilder Penfield said no matter what he did, he could never cut-out enough of a person's brain to remove their personality. [Michael Egnor: Evidence Against Materialism]

Saying this shows there is something untouchable beyond the physical realm, the thing David Attenborough says is why he remains agnostic because he's seen blind termites incapable of detecting his presence & so he wonders if we have the same lack of sense perception to detect GOD. The Bible says we know GOD exists, & every time we fail in life is one step closer to meeting our MAKER voluntarily or literally.

[YouTube: Off the Kirb Ministries | Sir David Attenborough - Did You Catch It Too?]

Have you ever invited JESUS into your mess?

it is too early in the morning for me to fully process this but the general vibe I'm getting is you think I said christens in general on my DNI list. I specified aggressive due to religious trauma. I'm also not an atheist, I fall somewhere under the pagen area. if you or I misunderstood something that's completely fine, but if I am correct please do not bully people for having different opinions. if I read something wrong feel free to explain.

[blindedbythedarkness]

The Undeniable Dystopia is Here.

Life is bad. Like shockingly, horrifyingly bad. Growing up really felt like living through a series of unfortunate events- I was certainly repeatedly traumatized. But I never had to fight for my life every single day. That's where we are right now, and yet 95% of people can't or won't acknowledge reality. Hell really is empty and all the devils are here.

We live in a cesspit of plague. That's the state of the entirity of the Western world. I didn't want it at the start because I knew I was more "vulnerable" to its effects. Now I'd avoid it with just as much effort even if I was the healthiest person on Earth. The vaccines didn't stop the death, they just made it slower so people wouldn't notice.

All around me the effects are obvious. Everyone is ill. "The worst colds ever" and "the first year they've ever had hayfever". Quality of life is plummeting. Life expectancy is plummeting. Workers shortages. The internet full of people begging society to change course but incapable of leaving their beds to plead in person. Babies born tiny and starved, the effects on their brains untold. Kids collecting autoimmune diseases like pokemon cards. More Strep. More RSV. Kid after kid with their limbs stripped to the bone to stop the bacteria killing the rest of them. Brain damage termed just "brain fog." Friends of friends dropping dead. Strokes galore.

But you only see it if you're willing to open your eyes.

I can't study safely. I can't sit my exams without risking another hit of the virus that has already left me more disabled. It's not safe to go to the shops. It's not safe to sit in my own garden without a mask. It's not safe to go to the hospital- I know for sure because that's where I caught it last time. Every possible step forward, every possible move, every single day, involves a level of risk I couldn't comprehend 4 years ago.

I don't have PTSD, because we are not 'post'. The trauma is still growing.

At uni, I sit there in full PPE. PPE I spent more money on than I can afford, as someone who lives on less than minimum wage. I look around the room for the seat with the best ventilation, the best chance of air flow. I'm not religious, but I pray. Because I cannot afford to become even more disabled and I cannot afford to disable the person I love most. And then in filter 200 people who no longer care who they hurt with what they spread. Most avoid me- an uncomfortable reminder of the ongoing horror. One decides to sit next to me, coughing, excitedly asking me if I will be joining them for post-exam drinks. Indoors. Unmasked. We live in parallel worlds and yet they cannot even acknowledge that much.

They jet off abroad. Go to clubs. Have a sniffle but visit gran anyway. I pay attention when watching shows set in other dystopias, taking note of how to clean and suture a wound at home if needed. We cannot risk the hospital. I grow vegetables as the online prices rise and we cannot risk a trip to the store. I'm reminding my family what's at stake and begging them to protect themselves because I can't lose anyone else. And I'm praying.

Once again, just like when I was a teen, I find my comfort in misunderstood monsters and outcasts. The lonely characters that the world hates, who break down in tears when shown an ounce of kindness. I get wrapped up in the fantasy of having a safe space where I can finally let my guard down just for a minute. Where I can finally feel seen and see a bearable future. And when I see their visible scars, I feel them too, and I struggle against the urge to make more of my own.

There's no one coming to help me though and no safety in sight. There is just endurance. Even what remains of the mental health service is useless- why would I explain my pain to someone likely happily spreading the very virus that has created this hell? And I can't ask for support from my uni- they've made their views clear that this is my "anxiety" and I'm merely "overly cautious".

But I caught it, so not cautious enough. And it damaged my already disabled body further, so not anxious enough.

The undeniable dystopia is here and there is no end in sight.

[bluedalahorse]

fic promotion? sure let’s do it I guess

This thread and its discussion of Sara and the Erikssons’ overall experiences with neurodivergence reminded me of a part of Heart and Homeland I was particularly proud of writing, so I thought I’d share it here on my blog before working on the H & H epilogue chapters today. This was from one of the epistolary chapters early on in the narrative, when everyone is at the very beginning of their character arcs. Sara is thinking about what she did and didn’t inherit from her parents. It was also when I feel like I really hit my stride writing Sara.

Nothing wrong with a little shameless self-promotion, right?

Things to know as far as backstory if you decide to read what’s below the cut:

We’re in an AU set in 1808-1809 with lots of empire/regency vibes.

Sara keeps a diary and sometimes sketches in it.

Simon and Wilhelm have met at Hillerska, which is only for boys at this time period. The Ehrencronas live on an estate not far from Hillerska.

Simon and Sara have lived a lot of places, including for a time Göteborg, because Micke sails with the Swedish East India Company. Micke met Linda on his travels. Micke’s parents (Farfar and Farmor) also played a role in Simon and Sara’s early upbringing.

Felice has a little brother (Viktor) and two little sisters (Sofia and Agata.) Sara is employed as the governess of Felice’s sisters, and they torment her often. Felice and Sara have become secret friends, though.

Felice was at one point reluctantly engaged to August, but she’s broken it off at this point in the story. August at one point attempted A Scheme where he wrote Sara a poem and told her to leave it out where Felice would see it and become jealous. August as always is an absolute rake who lacks self-awareness.

Wilhelm has been getting threats from a mysterious Society, and Sara is worried about Simon’s safety.

The Ehrencronas are about to host the ball of the year, and Wilhelm is going to be their guest of honor. There are rumors, of course, that the mysterious society will show up to the ball to cause trouble.

Content note for ableism, references to Micke’s abuse of Linda and his kids, Micke’s parents’ ethnic prejudice against Linda, August being August, and a bit of Sara’s (protestant) religious trauma, which is more of a thing in 1808 I suppose.

March 24, 1809

I lose so much sleep worrying for Simon of late. I must write of it, for there is nothing else safe to do if I am lying awake. My thoughts are not safe. I will write in Mamma’s Spanish, for it would upset Felice greatly if she read this.

Always Simon writes me with an air of confidence and reassurance, as if the Crown Prince of Sweden’s life had not been threatened. As if he were not His Highness’s most intimate friend at school. Surely it does not escape Simon’s notice that he could become a target himself. On the other hand, he should also know that the speed at which he and the crown prince befriended one another will raise suspicion. I routinely fear that some high-ranking instructor or noble will label Simon a potential future assassin and take him away, never to be seen again. Simon would remind me that this did not happen to Farfar a generation ago when the previous king dissolved the Riksdag, abolished the freedoms of the press, and made himself an absolute monarch. Yet it happened to some of Farfar’s friends, and that is always the part people leave out around me.

Must I always be protected? Felice is gathering information about what is happening at Hillerska, but she is holding details back from me. What is she not saying? What does she know of my brother’s fate? Does she want me to read into her silences and make guesses from the way she arranges her face? I cannot do that. I am forced to imagine the worst possible horrors, because no one will tell me anything.

Then there would be the damage to Simon’s name. I would hate it if Simon were killed gone and people only remembered him as someone who threatened His Highness Prince Wilhelm. I can think of no greater injustice than the entire world thinking Simon wicked. For you see, of the two of us, he was born good. I was born the opposite.

Farmor said it to Mamma herself, when I was seven years old. I have never told Simon. I keep thinking of that day when she said it. I distract myself from awful thoughts with the next battalion of awful thoughts.

It was the first Tuesday after Pentecost, and I am not sure why I remember that. At that age I used to run from room to room in our house in Göteborg, leaping over one item of furniture or the next, rocking and shouting and laughing and tapping everything and spinning and flailing my arms and legs everywhere. That day there were red flowers sitting in a china vase that Pappa had brought back to Mamma from one of his journeys. For the past six months all had been peaceful between them; he had brought Mamma flowers every week since the beginning of spring. I was running about the parlor that day, and in my exuberance I jostled the side table where the vase was. The vase tumbled to the ground and shattered. I can feel the clattering noise it made in my bones even now, and the way it made my stomach crumple in on itself. I must have frozen for minutes on the spot, watching the water from the vase crawl across the floor. Farmor’s long, fortepiano-perfect fingers suddenly pinched at my shoulder, and she pushed me out of the parlor as quickly as she could.

As Farmor and Mamma picked up the broken pieces of the vase, debating what to tell Pappa about what had happened, I listened at the door. They didn’t know I was still there. I know nothing good can come of listening at doors and yet I was so curious. Listening in, I could be truly still and quiet for once.

Farmor said, making her voice slow like she always did while talking to Mamma, We love her very much, and it pains me to realize this. But something is wrong. I do not think Sara is touched by God’s grace. 

Mamma said, Sara is only a child, she will learn. 

Farmor replied, Mikael was the same way as a boy. I thought he would grow out of it, and perhaps he grew out of the noise and running, but there is something missing in him, something that would stop his worst impulses. I think Sara may be like her pappa. 

She is young, said Mamma. And she is good when she is with Simon, you have seen them play together. 

Simon is very good, said Farmor. He is a blessing to us every day. I am afraid you will see the opposite with Sara, however. I will hope and pray that I am wrong. But I am warning you, to prepare you for the future. Sara will break our hearts. 

It was silent for a long while. Mamma did not protest against Farmor a third time, so she must have agreed with her. The stillness and quiet I had taken on before, that had allowed me to eavesdrop on Mamma and Farmor, soaked into me like a damp autumn chill. I did not speak or run around the house for the rest of the week. It was then that I first learned how stillness and quiet—how “thank you” and “excuse me” and the “look at me when I’m speaking, Sara” and the “hands in your lap, Sara” and all of those other rules—kept my wickedness inside. For a time. The effort of those rules exhausts me. I am not even certain who the real Sara inside is, anymore. Is it that destructive little girl who runs like a horse? Or someone worse?

Now all of these rules may not be enough. I try, but—I am restless and pacing and impatient in the schoolroom. I want to join in on the little girls’ quarrels and win every argument. I burned with jealousy today when a parcel arrived with Felice’s new dancing slippers for the ball. I want to snap at her parents for laughing when the children make up lies about me. I am angry at Pappa for making us poor and disgraced and for hitting Mamma. I am angry at Mamma for not taking us away from him when he hit her the first time. I am angry at Simon for hiding me away here, for the part where I need to hide away at all. I am more than grateful for Felice’s friendship, but I wish I could enjoy her company the way Fröken Eld and the other girls do. That I didn’t have to worry so much about losing everything when she is not by my side to reassure me. She can only protect me for so long.

One last bit of wickedness: I did not burn August Horn’s poem like I said.

I did not lie about the poem being awful. Truly, it was a marvel of poor composition. And yet I cannot help taking the folded paper out from where I’ve stowed it in my needle book. I don’t unfold it, but I turn it back and forth in my hands, testing the weight of the paper, wondering.

He should not have written the poem. Felice says he should not have approached me in such a manner at all. And yet, late at night—when I can no longer bear to think about Simon in danger and Mamma’s silence and Farmor’s judgement and every last terror related to Pappa—my thoughts gallop away, clinging to the word if.

If Greve August Horn had been kind, or even pretended to be kind, and made overtures toward me not to provoke some jealousy in Felice, but rather just because he wished to have my attention and sympathy, I might have given him encouragement.

If I had been rich and carefree and appropriately titled, I would have asked Simon to formally introduce us.

If August could offer me a way out of all this tomorrow, would I take it?

What would he want in exchange?

He must want something. If… if… if… 

I will burn the poem. I will do it now, in the middle of the night. Some thoughts must be tossed into the flames and reduced to ash. I must try at least. I must.

I do not think I can burn away the part of me that is Pappa’s daughter.

[the-hilda-librarians-wife]

Fireflies Over The Wall - Chapter 12

Relationship: The Bell Keeper & Meiri (Original character)

Summary: "The troll brought with herself, every night without a fault, a baby.

Every night, she placed it upon the grass, and pointed upwards, showing her baby the stars and constellations. Showing her baby the fireflies.

Holding it tight. Cuddling with it. Making sure it saw the beauty the world had to offer. He had never considered himself a sentimental man. Yet this image, for some reason, never failed to make him return home feeling something gaping and void inside of himself.

Every one of his former coworkers must have returned to their families.

Who would Edmund return to when he could work no more?

What would give him a reason to get out of bed when the fireflies were no longer enough?"

An OC's origin story as well as a Bell Keeper character study, because this character is much more fascinating than I'd been giving him credit for.

Notes: Title from 'Enchanted' by Taylor Swift

Omg I can't believe we've reached the last chapter of this fic!! For everyone that has made it so far I'd like to give my biggest and most sincere THANK YOU!!!! I was very insecure coming into this because I adore Meiri but I wasn't sure I'd be able to write a story good enough to captivate people when centering it around an OC, especially since I don't do a lot of art for her and I feel like that's generally what makes people grow fond of original characters. But anyway, Thank you so much for giving me (and her!) a chance. I hope this has been fun to read, because I sure loved writing it <3

Oh and for everyone who not only read but also commented/left tags I'd like to offer my entire soul. It's yours now. You don't want it? Too bad. Not my problem anymore.

Chapter title: This was the very first page

Read it on ao3

Edmund didn’t know how to handle children. That was a fact. Most parents also did not know how to handle children. That was also a fact. Yet a good deal of adults seemed to grow up without any major upbringing-related trauma. At least those raised by people who actively tried to not be manipulative and bigoted assholes; Edmund wouldn’t know anything about that, either. That train of thought had been circling around in his mind for the majority of his waking time since the last Meiri-related incident (the other part of the time it was filled with an annoying jingle he was cursed to listen every time he turned on the radio), yet it never led him to any conclusion. Edmund didn’t have the first clue if he had done something wrong, what it had been, and if he’d continue bringing the girl distress should she come back in the near future.

But certainly, he hadn’t been doing so bad that she wouldn’t show up ever again, had he? It wasn’t like she showed up every day religiously during normal times, but the fact that it had been almost a week since she showed up in his house lashing out and clearly hurt and he hadn’t seen hair nor hide of her since made him uneasy. Like too much had been left unresolved and unsaid and if that was the last he’d ever see of her, she’d always carry a thread of his being around, and he’d live every day with that empty feeling of something missing, something tied elsewhere.

Therefore, for all the thinking he had been doing on the matter, it should not have startled him so when he heard her voice behind himself while he was putting up clothes on his clothesline.

“Have you ever seen a bleeding tooth?” She asked, making him jump in surprise and turn around without even registering the movement, fully expecting to see her hurt with blood coming out of her mouth and ready to rush to whatever help he could provide.

Which would mostly consist of picking her up and running to the hospital, so it was very relieving to find her looking perfectly normal, if a little uncomfortable.

“Damn, kid, you startled me.” He said, as everyone does when a moment of fright’s worth of adrenaline stops them from forming any other sentence and doing anything else besides bringing their hand to their racing heart. “What are you doing here?”

He didn’t mean it like a complaint, but he had to admit the wording was a little careless when she shifted her weight from her right foot to her left one and stopped trying to even look in his general vicinity. Great.

“Have you ever seen a bleeding tooth?” She repeated, this time adding context. “It’s a mushroom.”

Of course it was. Edmund rolled up his sleeves, a nervous habit of his own; they felt tight around his arms every now and then.

“Can’t say I have.”

“I found some nearby.” She gripped her backpack’s straps; she wasn’t wearing her school uniform, though, which struck him as odd. “Probably because it rained. Well, you know, they were already there, but because it was wet the mycelia must have soaked up all that moisture and made it actually look like a bleeding tooth. Wanna see?”

Mouth already open, Edmund’s answer changed before he even realized, as good sense overrode his instinct. He couldn’t say who was more surprised by his ‘no’, himself or the girl, but he could tell he had to do something immediately because he was quite certain it was tears he was seeing gathering in her eyes.

“You can show it to me later.” He added quickly, trying to convey that he wasn’t mad and nor had he stopped caring. That seemed to appease her some. “First I want ya to tell me if you’re okay.”

Meiri shrugged; she was looking at the general direction of his face now, which was good.

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”

Very rarely did she crumble first when they were both standing their ground, but his crossed arms and single raised eyebrow were more efficient that day than they had been known to be, and a few seconds of it had her sighing and slumping her little shoulders.

“I’m sorry, okay?” She said, like she was desperate for it but dreaded having to do it at the same time. “I was rude, and shouldn’t have acted like that. Alright?”

She stared up at him defiantly, but so tense that the insecurity seemed to drip off of her like water when one was caught in a bout of rain. Her lip was wobbling; she wasn’t daring him to go back on what he’d said. The challenge she was proposing was much scarier – keep your stance and let me stay.

“That’s not what I asked.” He said unhelpfully much to the little girl’s annoyance. She huffed, not understanding why he couldn’t just take the apology and go back to normal. She’d already offered everything she had, the least he could do was spare her his weird meandering logic. They both knew they'd have to get to the apology, anyway, so why not cut straight to the point?

“I’m fine.” She crossed her arms, not only because at some point she’d taken to mimicking his stances but also to shield herself from the cool, damp air. He was an idiot to leave laundry out to dry when the weather was like this.

He was an idiot, period. And a particularly frustrating one when he did nothing but stare at her skeptically.

“Meiri.” He said, and she knew it was serious because he probably wouldn’t have used her name if it wasn’t. Her stomach sank and it was anyone’s guess if the feeling came from the cold or from her nerves. “We aren’t going anywhere unless you’re honest, kid. Are you doing okay?”

Meiri let her head drop back with a grunt. “I’m not! I feel awful, are you happy?”

“Of course I’m not happy.” She was going to murder him. She was actually going to murder him because what did this man even want from her? “I never want you to feel bad. But is there something I can do?”

“Well, obviously!” She snapped without any real heat behind it. “I wouldn’t have come here if there wasn’t.”

He didn’t bulge. “So…?”

“So I’m sorry!” She sounded pleading now, and was fully aware of it. “I was mean when I shouldn’t have been. Can we just do something else now?”

Edmund sighed, deciding to put down the basket of clothing pegs since this was probably something he would want to give his complete attention to. Not like he was going to continue hanging up clothes, anyway.

“We can, but I don’t think we should.”

“I think we should. Let’s go see the mushrooms.”

One look from him made it clear she wasn’t going to have it the easy way, and she shut up most unwillingly.

Edmund kneeled in front of her, making it harder for her to discreetly look away now that they were on the same level. His pants would be tainted with wet dirt, but he couldn’t care less. There was a reason why he insisted on sturdy clothing.

“I know you are sorry.” He said, half of his brain circling back to the earlier thought of I Don’t Know How To Children, and the other half having enough sense to figure that it was probably like dealing with a grown person, except you could scar them for life. No biggie. “And I’m glad you came to tell me this. But I want to understand what happened.”

“You know what happened. I screamed at you.”

Edmund sighed. “I know-”

“I know you know. That’s what I just said.”

Ignoring the interruption after a pointed look at her (though seeing how nervous the kid looked despite her efforts to sound exasperated didn’t help him), he continued.

“I know what happened after you arrived, but I also know you’re a very good kid.” Meiri grumbled something unintelligible, and he could sense the self-deprecation in it even though he couldn’t catch a single word. “That’s what I’m asking. If you’re okay. Because I figured it can’t have been nice if it upset you that much.”

Meiri kicked some dirt half heartedly; since it was moist not a lot was achieved beside making a small concavity in the soil. When she spoke, it was with a quiet voice, not looking at him. The sound of the wind on tree leaves and birds leaving their nests to hunt graced the air around them.

“It was silly.” She muttered, lacking her usual self-assurance. “Someone said something at school and I got angry. You don’t have to be worried about it.”

His hum of acknowledgement was loaded with skepticism; the bell keeper didn’t think she’d believe it if he said that nothing that hurt her should be considered silly. Nor did he miss the way she carefully avoided giving any details about it.

“But you just said you’ve been feeling awful.” He pointed out, choosing to not pry any further into what exactly, had happened. If she ever wanted to talk about it, it should be on her own time. That didn’t mean he couldn’t push her to stand up for herself if the situation called for it. “If I can’t do anything to help, isn’t there anything you could? People don’t get to just treat you however they want, kid.”

The suggestion had the not truly surprising effect of making her huff annoyedly.

“I don’t care about it. Not anymore. I was angry then but I can handle it.”

You shouldn’t need to, he thought to himself, you shouldn’t have had to learn how.

“But–”

“I feel awful because of you.” She interrupted him, knowing it was going to be his next question. When he froze, breath caught in his throat, she lifted her eyes at him and blinked as she realized what that must have sounded like.

“Not like that!” She remedied pleadingly. “Ugh, I’m sorry. I’m so bad at this. I feel bad because I was mean to you. You didn’t do anything wrong–”

Her lips were curled; She might have been making an effort not to cry, but it was equally likely that the girl might be holding back a sneer at herself.

“I messed up anyway. And it made me feel… bad for it?”

Edmund nodded, breathing again after his worst fear of having been the cause of her distress had been nearly confirmed and then fallen flat once more.

“Guilty?” He suggested gently, and Meiri nodded.

“Guilty.”

Neither of them seemed to know what to say next. Edmund remembered a conversation they’d had, a long time ago, when she’d said she’d only ever apologized to people when someone forced her to. How many times had she already apologized since then, without anyone, not even him, ever asking it of her?

The girl seemed to remember the reason why she’d come all the way here with a backpack, and put it down on the ground in front of her, caring about it getting dirty about as much as Edmund had cared about his pants. At least it gave her something to do with her hands.

It was the only way she’d been able to think of to prove she was being honest.

The metal zipper of it was a bit rusted and got stuck in some places, but she was used to it and managed to get it open. Meiri felt her face warm up as she reached inside, feeling stupid and not knowing how her peace offering would be received. She knew he wouldn’t laugh at her. She was afraid of it anyway.

The girl took out the safest gift first, making the bell keeper raise both eyebrows in surprise when he was presented with a cucumber sandwich wrapped in plastic film. She didn’t dare lock her gaze with his, knowing the temptation to snap at him would be too big. Opening herself up always made a weird and unpleasant feeling settle on her belly. It made it harder to think when all she wanted was to hide.

Next came something she thought at length about whether she should have brought or not, and even now she considered keeping it hidden. It was stupid. But maybe stupid would be what it took to show she really was sorry. Edmund frowned, confused, when she offered him a woff plush that looked very clearly handsewn, the eyes asymmetrical and the tail floppy.

“What… are these?”

“They’re things you like.” She stated, resisting the urge to add an uncertain ‘right?’ at the end of her answer. She knew he liked those things. That was why she’d brought them. If he refused them, it wouldn’t be because they weren’t his jam. It would be because he was refusing her. “I made them for you.”

He took the woff in his free hand. The stuffing inside was bumpy, and there wasn’t nearly enough of it to keep the tissue from creasing. The stitches holding the facial details together all had different lengths. Edmund hadn’t really cried since he’d been a teenager. Yet he felt the sting of tears in his eyes now.

“Why?”

Meiri gulped, and bit her lip. She seemed to be waging an internal battle when she looked at him pointedly and said with a choked up voice.

“Because you’re always doing nice things for me.” The immeasurable effort she was making to force herself to be still and look at him while very deliberately stating that was palpable. He wanted to tell her she didn’t need to, that he understood, but she had clearly practiced that. It was something she wanted to say, even if she’d avoided getting to that point. “You’re always letting me talk about the things I enjoy and… you teach me many interesting things too. You’re a good person. You are… the best person I know. And you talk to someone no one else wants to just because you’re kind. And I wanted to thank you for it. And to say that I’m sorry.”

Those last words were rung out of her throat hand in hand with a sob, and when she bowed her head down so he wouldn’t see it so plainly, Edmund was left no choice but to lean forward and hug her. It didn’t take half a second for her arms to be around him as well, grip impressively strong for someone so tiny.

He supposed all that climbing must have been worth something.

“It’s okay.” He cooed, rubbing her back as the Meiri allowed the tears to run freely, clinging to him like she was afraid he’d run away if she let go. “Firefly, it’s okay. I forgive you. I know we say things we don’t mean when we’re angry.”

She would have to learn how to not lash out, that was true. But at such a young age she was already holding herself accountable, maybe even more rigidly than she should, so forgive him if he wasn’t about to point out any of the things she could work on at that moment. Meiri whined into his shoulder.

“I didn’t mean it. I didn’t mean what I said then. I mean it now.”

“I know.” He began swaying them back and forth gently. “I know.”

They stayed like that until her crying subsided, until he realized the sun’s stronger rays were winning over the barrier of clouds and their own early-morning shyness, casting a silver glow over the treetops.

“If that happened again.” Meiri began, still reluctant to let go of his torso. “If that happened again, do you think you could still forgive me?”

It should have been a given, Edmund thought morosely. She shouldn’t have felt like she had to ask.

“I meant what I said. What you say when you're upset won’t stop me from caring about you. I promise.”

He heard her sniffle before drawing back slightly, just enough to look at his face properly.

“Then I think I can do it.”

Edmund blinked at the statement, put so boldly with her little shoulders set like she was bravely heading into battle.

“Do what?”

“Choose you.” His heart skipped a beat. He would have wondered if he was misinterpreting her, but for all she was doing to keep a cool facade she looked just as nervous as he felt. “If you’d still choose me.”

He would. For all the fear he felt, all the uncertainty, all the bumps he was sure there would be in this road, he found that he’d still choose her any time.

And he told her as much.

[hypeonmovies]

Let me preface this by saying that I’ve been a big fan of Mike Flanagan’s work in the past. I usually love his atmospheric and haunting takes on horror such as Hush, Haunting of Hill House, and yes, even Doctor Sleep. Haunting of Hill House is particularly one of my favorites as I felt that it was able to effectively mix horror with an engaging story of family trauma. I cared for each character and eagerly awaited the next episode to learn more about them and the mysteries of the house. But unfortunately, I completely missed this feeling while watching the depressing and overly long, Midnight Club.

The 10 episode series about a group of dying teens living in a hospice who meet up at midnight every night to tell scary stories should’ve been a slam dunk for Flanagan. I was expecting a group of interesting characters and a worthwhile mystery, but this completely missed the mark for me. Yes, obviously the show is somewhat depressing as each character is awaiting death and what makes it more depressing is these are teenagers awaiting death. But, after the third episode and the umpteenth temper tantrum about their trauma and impending death, you find yourself no longer feeling for the characters and just wishing that they’d meet their demise already.

Maybe this is why it’s difficult to connect with any other them. Each episode is just another opportunity to continue the exploration of one underwhelming storyline for each of them - one of the Midnight Club members is a devout religious girl who often gets into arguments with the others because of her faith despite her terminal diagnosis. Another one was diagnosed with AIDS and also has a mother who is equally devout and stopped talking to him after he came out. This is clearly the reason for his frequent bouts of anger and frustration, which is something else that quickly gets old. And then there’s the new Midnight Club member with the wannabe-pretty-but-actually- cringeworthy- name, Illonka. Her arrival at the hospice is how the mystery begins as she starts seeing things and uncovering secrets that she believes will ultimately cure her.

The mystery is another thing that completely missed the mark. It was difficult to fully delve into it in between the stories that the Midnight Club members would tell each episode. Every time there was a new revelation within the mystery, it would seem to be debunked shortly after. And when it all finally seems to come together in the second to last episode, the conclusion is quick and underwhelming and makes you wonder why you just spent hours watching the last 8 episodes.

Although the first episode apparently beat the world record for most jump scares in a scene, that’s the most horror you get throughout the series. While there are some interesting and thrilling scenes included in the stories they tell, the most scares you’ll experience are the ghouls seen at night wandering the halls of the hospice and giving their own jump scare every once in a while.

However, you can tell that the actors put everything they could into their performances, especially in a scene where the AIDS patient confronts his homophobic mother. They do well reciting Flanagan’s never ending monologues. It makes me wonder if this would have worked more as a limited series about kids in hospice care instead of as a horror series. At least then, the audience would have a better idea of what they’re in for.

[mythicaldemigoddess-of-deltarune]

Satan & Lucifer Ain't The Freaking Same! (I'm Not A Knowles Fan...)

[Note: Reading This Is Optional...also this is me standing up for Hazbin Hotel after finding a video by some Toxic-Religious Jerk who has NO freaking idea that Hazbin Hotel and of course Helluva Boss, is for Mature Audiences and there for Not for those who are Under 18+...this is for Mature Readers only...so Not For Kids.]

Oh my gosh….I can NOT with some Toxic-Religious people, there is a video by some guy called "Michael Knowles" and he freaking dares to call Hazbin Hotel a "Kids Show" Oh My Gosh! what kind of…even if some might make that mistake at first, at least some who might make that mistake will soon find out probably right away that it is NOT for Kids, it's for Mature Audiences…

meaning ya have to be at least 18+ to watch it…and FYI, it is pretty clear that "Satan" and "Lucifer" ain't the Fragging Same!

I mean in the show, Lucifer runs The Pride Ring and The Other runs The Wrath Ring…

I still want to flip off Cain's Bio-Dad though, because once again he ain't the boss of me and if I had to be a "Rebel" it should be to help fix and restore the balance between The Masculine and Feminine Energies, and put a stop to The Toxic-Masculine energy… I still want to give Lucifer the cold hands to face punishment, because he just had to do that little "rebellion" at the worst possible time. I wouldn't be surprised if that Michael Knowles doesn't listen to reason, he is one of those Toxic-Religious ones who are part of the Toxic-Masculine energy…

and excuse me if this Earth Angel Princess happens to like Hazbin Hotel, and sees Charlie and Emily as kindred spirits…

couldn't really bring myself to watch that full video that Michael Knowles posted, don't know if I had seen that before or if it was some other Toxic-Religious jerk with some video that was bad mouthing the show…this is one of the reasons I want to go live with Omni-Mom, ya know The Goddess.

if I decide to say what the name of the video is in the future, I will…maybe…but I just don't want to right now…

but that man seriously peeved me off a little with his bull slag talk…

plus besides some Toxic-Satanists, though they are on the list of among Toxic-Religious people...

even those who are part of a good religion but also might end up having corrupted people running it, and I guess at times new and good people will have to become a part of the religion's church to try to restore and heal it from the corruption...

and well the ones who do the most harm and cause Religious Trauma will be of course, Toxic-Religious people.

like that one Toxic-Religious jerk from a few years ago, who couldn't accept that I believe in The Divine Earthly Mother now, I mean I can still believe in The Divine Heavenly Father as well, but I guess that isn't good enough for that Toxic-Religious Jerk who kept throwing the whole "may god have mercy on you" or "may the lord have mercy on you" at me over and over, despite the fact it was hurting my feelings and making me cry, and I know it was one of the two words, I just can't 100% remember which one it was...

no matter how I pointed out how it was making me feel, they just kept throwing those words at me....and at some point I had to block them over at the place where it had happen.

it may also had to do with my having currently at the time viewing myself as "Gyno-Agender" I think, I was still figuring out the type of Nonbinary that I am....but now I know I'm Nonbinary-Girl who still goes by She/Her but also They/Them.

and the reason I self nicknamed myself "Eveningstar Princess" is because the weird thing that had to do with my Mom NEVER getting Morning Sickness with me, she only got Evening Sickness.

and I still want to nickname Cain and Seth as Grunkle-Grandpas...

or like Grunkle-Paws...also even if it does turn out Cain isn't Adam's Biological Son, Adam is still his Real Father.

maybe if some Toxic-Religious people had to learn that by watching that first Silent Hill Movie based off of the game series and even the second movie of Guardians Of The Galaxy, they night understand.

Rose knew the moment she saw Sharon, that she was the girl's mother and Sharon was her daughter.

Ego might of been Quill's Bio-Dad, but he wasn't his Daddy, he did not love Quill like a parent should that honor goes to Quill's True Father.

so just because Samael or like King of Wrath may have fathered Cain, don't mean he was his Daddy...

and yeah I'm technically Cain's Descendant Granddaughter who can't really be open to my family about no longer calling myself Christian.

I mean I can still believe in some of the stuff that can be found in the Bible, but my new view is gonna be a bit different now thanks to my eyes being open to what is wrong with some parts of the patriarchy...

one of the parts that is wrong with it, that has to do with the Toxic-Masculine energy, yeah Toxic-Feminine is still a problem but it isn't in the same level as dangerous as it's masculine counterpart.

it is better for everyone to only believe this truth by their free will and not forced into it. it could be possible that in theory, some are too hooked into the teachings of only praising The Divine Masculine side...it takes them much longer than most to break free.

they no matter if they are a man or woman, will probably have to listen to their Positive Feminine side, and NOT just the Masculine side.

I think maybe, some who who were once trapped by the Toxic-Masculine energy and once was at the time Toxic-Religious, will start to have a better view of Hazbin Hotel and Charlie trying to save the Sinners and have them be redeemed.

of course Charlie knows not everyone can be redeemed, just some who still have that spark of goodness.

Grandpa King David's Sicko Son, shouldn't be given such a thing...

and that sicko better hope that Tamar isn't one of my Soul-Parents...

it's not 100% like reincarnation, but you are born from a fragment from one or more Soul-Parents...not everyone has to believe that.

I mean, I have these new weird thoughts that when the soul fragments that would become me was born, I might of been weak and not stable, and a Archeia had to act as my surrogate and I ended up absorbing some of her soul essence that will make me become her actual daughter...

maybe I'm being paranoid, but if that is true, that would mean my Earth Angel Mom is my Ohma and the Archeia Mom who acted as a surrogate is my Fama...

and yes I'm a fan of Vandread, I might watch some episodes later tonight or tomorrow.

I'm not a fan of that Michael Knowles, he even dares to call Hazbin Hotel a "kids show" when it's Not.

even if some might make that mistake at first, it can be tolerable and okay and good once the people who made that mistake learn it is for those who are Mature and not for those who are under the ages of 18...

he probably ended up making a lot of people more mad than how he made me. I think I had calmed down some...

also I can have a view that there was a Adam and Eve that are the true Father and Mother of all humankind, it just isn't the Adam, Lilith and Eve ones, they are of course the new hybrid generation that had to do with the Annunaki, but not everyone has to believe that.

there was likely other Gardens, not just Eden, which means some humans from different places will have their own version of Adam and Eve.

I can believe in the science of humankind's evolution and that God and Goddess had created us.

and I can believe that Adam did have Lilith as a first wife, which of course comes from a different religion, but most of my ancestors were Jewish, and Grandpa King Solomon's Mother came from a different religion as well...

being a part of the branch of King Solomon that can't take that throne still isn't a curse to me, it is a blessing in disguise.

the Ozzie from our universe still makes me paranoid, I mean not that he says "be paranoid", it's just I worry he might want to get back at King Solomon and well.....I know I'm not as cute or as beautiful as some, and even if it be nice he doesn't try something like trying to woo and seduce one of King Solomon's descendants....

I just can't really get those thoughts out, which is why I'm trying to keep my guard up...I still think I might of been a weird accident, like one of those unforeseen types, I mean I'm so weird I had started to pray for Jesus because I suspect he could fall influence to the Toxic-Masculine and might take part in some messed up choices.

so it's like needing to protect him from himself when it gets to that.

not everyone has to agree about my thoughts and feelings about it, but after some stuff that happen that matched what I read before...

I ain't taken any chances...even if I can still believe in the good side of him...

also some fans of Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss, can be religious or not at all, I mean those who are Atheist could enjoy the shows as well.

even if I have no interest in getting a real life Boyfriend now, either it be online or in the real world.

if he ended up being Atheist, I wont try to change him against his will.

he will have to respect my weirdness and different spiritual and religious views and I believe in both God & Goddess.

ya can try to force this twilight princess, but I believe in magic, and I'm coming at ya like Nightmare Moon. XD

yeah some might guess the song I'm parody referencing to, even if it also references another song as well...

so yeah the "Dark Horse" by Katy Perry and "Yuri The Only One" by LeetStreet Boys.

and Nightmare Moon is from My Little Pony Friendship Is Magic.

it can probably be hard for some to have to put up with toxic people, and some end up being toxic-religious, and there can possibly be different levels of toxic-religious in some human beings, some do have hope of breaking away from it, maybe because they don't have so much toxic energy in their bodies and souls and can break out of the hold that the toxic-masculine had on them.

like they can possibly stay in the same religion, but they can try to not fall back into the hands of the toxic-masculine that had secretly rooted itself into it, corrupting those who become a part of it.

I know not everyone will believe that, and they don't have to, but it's just what I believe now.

people in a religion can have a mix of good and bad people, and at times there will be very VERY bad ones that are mixed in with the lesser bad ones.

I still think one of the signs that the Feminine side is getting a bit more better and fighting back the Toxic-Masculine, that does harm to the good side of the Masculine side...

is that women got the rights to vote, and I learned that some women from a certain place in the other side of the world, is standing up for what it is right, and I hope they win and everyone will be kept safe and protected from the Toxic-Masculine.

when I feel ready to, I will say what place it is...just not now.

even if that Michael Knowles thinks he is doing something "good" even with he hasn't a freaking clue that Hazbin Hotel as well as Helluva Boss, is NOT for children and it is meant for a Mature 18+ Audience.

and it's parents own fault, not the mature shows, movies or video games or book series, that is CLEARLY pointed out, not for those underage of 18+ and is for MATURE Audiences only, and they can't keep scapegoating the mature content forever.

and yeah, when I was probably about 5 years old, I saw a movie I really shouldn't of watched, which at first I misremembered that it was my Mom who let me watch it, but it turned out it was one of my much older cousins, I think during that time someone could of covered my eyes in some parts.

but it's like even if you do still like the movie, even when you become older, you can have a better understanding that you should NOT of watched it at such a young age, and it isn't the mature content that is at full fault, it is those who allowed you to watch it at such a young age, and they shouldn't of....come to think of it, there were probably other movies that I ended up seeing that I shouldn't of watched until I was at the proper age to view it...

I can view mature movies more freely now I guess, though I guess some movies I could look away or close my eyes to at times, though CGI types might be a bit more okay, I'm not 100% sure if I have some kind of phobia of blood or not, like the CGI type that ya see in video games doesn't seem as a bad.

and yeah, more than one time I had that not so great feeling when I had to do that whole checking my blood type thing, and yeah I did have to have help with that...

it's just I would feel not so great, and after it got done I had to go sit or lay down near some cool air.

plus I learned that it is best to close my eyes, and yeah I'm still procrastinating in seeing if my blood type will come out as "O RH D Negative" for a third, but hopefully we will finally get around to it...

the last two successes had the blood type come out "O RH D Negative" twice, so I want to try to do that test again when we are finally able to.

I don't know how many will even read this, but it's fine not many do.

plus that Knowles should know that Satan and Lucifer are often mistaken as being one in the same, when they may truly be two separate beings...

and I'm still gonna have the thoughts of wanting to flip the bio-Dad of Grunkle-Paw Cain's the bird, I could be reading a book or playing a video game while doing so...

so maybe pulling a bit of a Loona, perhaps.

at least some people who may have watched the full video by that Knowles, were not happy with him either...and even pointed out the fact that the show is NOT for kids...

I rather not say the name of the video at this moment, I rather try to not think too much at the moment of the stupidity that has unfortunately plagued my eyes and ears from the first few minutes or seconds of his toxic-masculine bull slag...

sorry if that sounds mean, but I just can't stand toxic-religious people who are on a higher level of toxic...at least some people are able to reform and redeem themselves and detoxify themselves from the hold of the toxic-masculine energy and try to heal from it thanks to the good side of the masculine and feminine energy.

not everyone has to view it in that way, but it is what I view it.

the toxic-feminine can still be a problem and be dangerous in it's own way, but the level of it isn't in the same high level as the masculine one, and the toxic-masculine energy could be the reason the Goddess was wrongly dethroned in the first place.

of course even if I do point this out, even if my learning about the Goddess's dethroning has to do with one of the books I have.

it isn't like those who are too deep in the toxic-masculine energy and toxic-religious view, will even listen to me or others anyway.

if they want to listen and believe it, they will have to do so by their own free will, and that can only happen if they break free from the toxic-masculine energy and let the good sides of the masculine and feminine energy heal them...that is what I believe and theorized could be true, that those who are too far deep in the toxic-masculine part of the toxic-religious view, even if some parts of the religion can still be good, but some might twist things, and well...they might need to try to break free in their own way, but finding some truths in other places.

like I did for myself, when I ended up getting some book that had to do with the Goddess.

I can't wait for Season 2 of Hazbin Hotel, and I know that the next new episode of Season 2 of Helluva Boss will be worth the wait.

I'm still gonna view Charlie and Emily as kindred spirits, but I wonder if some fans do feel the same way as well about those two...?

anyway it might of been a good thing I decided not to watch the full video that had Michael Knowles talking on it...if I did watch the full video, he would of probably ended up peeving me off a bit more.

and I rather not get super peeved off today, thank you very much.

I might try some meditation later, which is just me having my eyes closed and listening to music.

like the songs "Don't Go Breaking My Heart" & "Release Me" by Agnes.

I could find other songs to use as well for meditation.

like "Born Without A Heart" by Faouzia.

an there is "Woman" by Doja Cat...

maybe even some songs from Sailor Moon, the "Power Of Love" might fit for one of the options.

I think the last time I saw a video that bad mouthed Hazbin Hotel in such a toxic way, it wasn't just by that Michael Knowles guy.

can't really remember the name of the one who was the last one who did that.

but at least there were some videos, that did talk about the show in a good way, I can't remember the name of the video's name that talked positive about it, but if I ever run into it again, I might say the name in a future post, but it was by some guy who I think was a type of Pastor.

he is thankfully not full of the Toxic-Masculine, and if I was able to, I would give him the strongest hug.....though, maybe that wouldn't be a good idea...I would have to hold back some...

if I put too much in a hug, it can be a bit too much for some.

I can hug hard at times...and I want to try not to do that and at least try to hold back some hug strength.

like being around 5'5" (but I can't help but wonder if I might be 5'4" but then again I did once thought I was 5'6" but it turns out I'm not) should hug someone who is like 5'7 or taller with all the hug power they have in them.....they are likely end up hurting the much taller person without meaning to.

and yeah I was a big surprise to my Mom and the rest of the side of her family, Dad of course wasn't there for the birth...and even if Stolas can get away with cheating on Stella, because some fans will be okay with it...because of how Canon Stella is, but might like some AU Fanon versions of her, and I'm still gonna ship her with Mammon, cause the ship drawings I saw of them made me want to OTP ship them and their ship name that pop into my head "Mamtella" had made me hungry once because it reminds me of food...

and well, yeah my Dad when he and Mom were separated, but still married.....he freaking cheated on her, I did misremember the story and thought he did that with his ex-wife, but it turns out it was by someone else....who I guess later might of became his wife.

if he was there for my birth, he would of got the same surprise as my Mom did, when she found out how big her newborn baby girl (nonbinary-girl earth angel princess who is weird.) is...

I know I said this before, and well I will say it again.

so yeah apparently when I was a newborn, I was as big as a 2 week old.

and some people who found out that my Mom just had me, couldn't believe she was walking, and some even thought I was much older than what I was really....maybe it has to do with some genetics.

and even if Lute from Hazbin Hotel, says that "Angels don't make mistakes." I will have to correctly tell her "Yeah, Right. Tell That To The Watcher Angels, cause I'm one of their Little Mistake Descendant Granddaughters."

I would drop the mic on to the floor if I was holding a mic. XD

not even sure if they will even bring up the whole Nephilim thing in Hazbin Hotel and Helluva Boss, and it will be okay if they ended up not doing that and it only ends up in the Fanon Timelines like in AUs of the shows.

I don't think I can dislike Stolas for accidentally having affair, even if it may still been wrong but at the same time, we know he was trapped in a bad marriage that was arranged even though he still tried to make it work and give Octavia a normal life.

plus Octavia might not of seen the full picture or understand how things truly were before the affair happen, but maybe she will in the future.

some time I do want to talk about a theory I have that has to do with

"Seven Holy Earth Princesses" which I don't think I would count as a part of, even if I'm technically a "Earth Angel Princess"....even if I'm a weird one who also self nicknamed myself "The Embodiment Of Weirdness".....and well being Weird can be another form of Laughter.

anyway I'm going to do my best to not let that video get to me, even if it did a little and I didn't watch the full version of it, and it might of been a good thing I didn't because that Michael Knowles guy might of ending up peeving me off a whole lot more than how I was feeling at that time....lucky I was feeling only a little bit peeved.

anyway I know the chances of a lot of people reading this is very small, possibly...and well reading this is optional.

but for those who read this, even all of it...

thanks for reading it, and hope some understand and don't misinterpret anything. and also understand that toxic-religious people can just end up really peeving one off, well that and some can end up causing religious trauma, and there can be different types of the trauma....some can be from past life trauma from the life you had before you reborn into this one. but maybe only a few people end up with that kind of trauma, that has to do with past life trauma caused by toxic-religious people and not just hurtful words by some toxic-religious person or people in the here and now.

just be thankful and lucky not to have full memories of the past lives, and just be thankful for some good memories in the here and now in your current life...even if some percent of your current life does have bad memories as well, but you can still be glad for the good memories to keep you happy. not sure if that makes sense to some, but if some who have either full memories or half of a bits and pieces of past life memories get what I'm saying, I just hope those words are understood and aren't misunderstood...and that it helps a little.

also when dealing with some Toxic-Religious people, it might be best not to let them get to you in a super bad way, I mean yeah you can get a bit mad, but also you can try to be calm, like you can try to keep it together when talking a bit how wrong they are and know they are just being full of toxic-masculine energy or I guess in some cases toxic-feminine, if the toxic-feminine ends up teaming up, though hopefully that toxic-feminine doesn't do that...

and well, at least some people have some sense to know that guy is in the wrong and him calling Hazbin Hotel a "Kids Show" or "Kids Cartoon", proves he doesn't know anything and he doesn't know that the show itself and Helluva Boss, is NOT for kids, and is for a Mature Audience around 18+ and older...

I will be positng some fan art in a little bit, but before then...I'm going to check out some art on here and listen to Fizz's "2 Minutes Notice" song.

best to listen to some music and check out some art and maybe do some reading as well, and maybe watch a movie later.

to take one's mind off of a Toxic-Religious Man who I'm glad I didn't watch that full video of his, because once again he might end up making me super peeved off, and I'm glad that I only ended up feeling a little peeved....still not gonna let Toxic-Religious people like him or that one from a few years ago who hurt my feelings, get away with that bull slag, just have to try my best and hope they can be stop in a more pacifist way that can make everyone happy.

even if some might be on that guy's side, this Earth Angel Princes is not, because once again I'm on the side that wants the balance of the Masculine and Feminine to be restored, and stop the Toxic-Masculine and some of the Toxic-Feminine...

not everyone has to believe that, but I'm still going to try my best and hope that the Toxic-Masculine is put a stop to, and the balance for the good side of the Masculine and Feminine gets better for all of us on this planet and for the whole universe we live in...

I wont force convert others, if some want to believe it or not, that is their choice and it should be of their free will, and not because of forced converting....anyway I'm gonna hurry up and post this.

and yeah this might of end up being a bit off topic as well, and well I'm just going to listen to that "2 Minutes Notice" song now, and check out some fan art and then I will post some fan art in a little while...

also it is best not to give Toxic-Religious people any power, even that one that made that video that I'm still not going to say the name of...at least not at this point in time, I rather try to put what little I saw of his video out of my head for now, and try to take my mind off of it.

maybe later tonight I will watch FNAF Movie, well that and maybe watch some other movies as well, that might be a good idea. :)

[scripttorture]

What would you expect from the public, including minors, when torturing someone in public is done, especially when it's a public spectacle and people actually come to watch. Is liking to watch torture a thing in this case? My story is a medieval/steampunk fantasy by the way.

Well Anon, this does still happen today. It happens in the country I grew up in and consider my home. So… my first suggestion is to throw out the implication that this is a weird historical thing the world doesn’t have to deal with any more. Because it is still very real. And if you get any kind of success with your story there’s a good chance some of your readers will have experience with this.

 It’s also significantly more complicated then ‘liking’ or ‘disliking’ so let’s unpack this a bit.

 I’ve never actually seen anyone maimed or executed. But as a kid of around 9-10 I knew kids my age who had. We used it as a sort of… pissing contest basically. Kids would brag about it to show how hard they were, in the same way we’d stuff chilis into our mouths and see who could last longest.

 It’s one of those bizarre kinds of ritualised self-harm that you end up performing in order to cope with awful things.

 Because witnessing this kind of stuff is harmful, to adults and children. It can leave people traumatised and displaying some of the symptoms I write about here.

 But, however old the characters, if they grew up somewhere where this is the norm then I absolutely guarantee they understand showing opposition is dangerous. They know their responses to these displays of brutality and power are used as a proxy for their loyalty and worthiness by the state.

 And boy if you are in any way outside the norm, if you are queer or the ‘wrong’ ethnic group or faith, then the pressure to conform here is so much more intense.

 I lived in Saudi, my home town is Dhahran. My parents are from opposite ends of Europe and they tried to raise me Christian. I still spent a lot of my teenage years unpacking stuff I’d absorbed about public executions, amputations, whippings etc.

 From the kids I knew growing up (anecdotal evidence no matter how empassioned) I’d say the ‘normal’ responses to witnessing this kind of state violence are varied. Kids would get nightmares, start showing signs of mild anxiety disorders or depression. They’d become moody, angry and generally unhappy. Which they’d sometimes take out on other people.

 But I can’t remember anyone ever explicitly linking it to what they witnessed. They’d try to hide this stuff. Some of them would double down on justifications for state violence (seemed pretty common.) They would, above all, deny there was a problem.

 Because admitting to mental illness made you ‘weak’ and admitting to doubts about state violence made you a ‘traitor’. Which is a pretty risky thing to label yourself (even by implication) when you live in a state that publicly mutilates and murders people. (Note the author’s bias as a committed pacifist may be showing.)

 As you may have noticed Anon, I still carry a significant amount of anger on this particular subject. This bottled vitriole is not directed at you or your story idea but at the states and politicians who make sure this brutality continues. It’s about the fact that I can remember a nine year old girl matter of factly talking about beheading at a birthday party.

 Stepping back from the personal side of things for a moment we know from studies of PTSD and trauma survivors generally that witnessing violence can lead to lasting psychological symptoms. Including PTSD.

 PTSD specifically is more likely when an individual is directly effected (ie physically hurt). But repeated exposure to traumatic events, including witnessing violence, makes the manifestation of long term symptoms more likely.

 So a character that has seen dozens of these attacks is more likely to develop a long term mental health problem then a character who has seen only one. Regardless of age.

 We can’t predict which individual symptoms an individual witness will develop or indeed when a witness might develop them. We just don’t know enough about how these things happen yet.

 Having said that, the possible symptoms for witnesses are pretty much identical to the possible symptoms for torture survivors (link above.) I’d advise against using chronic pain for witnesses unless you have a clear idea of an underlying cause; it seems (anecdotally) to be more common in people who directly experienced violence.

 If you decide to use insomnia there’s a masterpost on sleep deprivation here.

 For mental health problems like depression, anxiety etc remember there are physical symptoms as well as symptoms related to mood. Characters who are trying to deny they have a mental health problem might focus overly on physical symptoms. Depression can cause nausea, vomiting and tiredness/lack of energy which might be mistaken for disease. Anxiety can cause chest pain and shakes.

 Circling back let’s talk about some of the phrasing in this question for a moment. Because ‘choose to watch’ misunderstands the way states use these public displays of violence.

 Attendance and witnessing of public executions and torture is often enforced. Sometimes overtly and sometimes more tacitly. Because the point of these displays is to hammer home the power of the state. That doesn’t work if people can easily choose not to go.

 Here’s an example of what that overt and tacit enforcement looked like back home.

 Tacit enforcement came from the timing and placement of executions and amputations. They took place on weekends, when almost everyone was off work. They were carried out in major towns and cities, where the population density was higher. The venue was typically on a main thoroughfare close to important sites. Which ensured a high volume of people would be in the area when the execution took place, whether there was due to be an execution or not.

 So picture the town or city this is taking place in, in your story. When are the public holidays? Where are the markets? Where are the most popular religious venues? At what time will the most people be in these areas?

 All of that will tell you where an execution or public torture is likely to take place. Because if you set this shit up in eye sight of the place most people buy food, at the time when the most people are out, you get witnesses.

 Whether they want to be witnesses or not.

 Overt enforcement, on the low end of the scale, means having officials among the crowd pushing people towards the scaffold. At home this seemed to be targetted towards children and people who were judged as ‘other’. Different races to the majority, people who might have been read as a different religion, people who might have been read as queer etc.

 This is because the message is ‘This could be you.’

 I know practices in other countries have sometimes gone beyond this. Police or armed officials will sometimes go out and gather a crowd of witnesses by just… approaching people on the street and demanding they attend.

 This approach requires quite a bit of man power and is not practical or necessary in every setting. In most cases setting things up in the right place and time is enough to ensure a large number of witnesses.

 What I’m trying to illustrate here is that a lot of people will see this stuff without having made a conscious choice to do so.

 And making a conscious choice to see it… well it does say something about the character but not in the way you’re thinking.

 Because these displays are all about the power of the state. Witnessing them, responding to them is performance and it’s a performance of state loyalty. You can’t expect someone to give their true opinion on public displays of violence when criticism or voicing ‘dislike’ could lead to them being targets of violence.

 Basically if you’ve got characters going to see this stuff regularly then it’s worth asking why they feel the need to display their loyalty in this way. Sometimes it’s because they really really believe in the state. But often… they’re compensating for something.

 Wrapping up I think it’s important to note there’s often a difference between what people say about this stuff versus what they actually feel. And that’s because these things are explicitly political and explicitly about the power a state has over it’s subjects.

 The way individuals respond to these things in public and what they say about them in public effects how they are treated. Sometimes it comes with obvious legal sanctions. Even if it doesn’t… these displays are entirely about reminding people the state can kill them.

 And it doesn’t actually discourage crime or civil disobedience but it does create a climate of fear and hostility which permeates daily life.

 Think about why the state is insecure about their power. Think about how your characters live with that background radiation and whether it feeds into cultural ideas around things like martyrdom or nobility of suffering.

 Remember that there is a difference between public and private life. Existing in these kinds of brutal states often means having quite a sharp distinction between them. This can create very strong bonds to those the characters trust. It can also create a big difference between private and public personas.

 If you’re writing a world where public torture and executions are happening there’s more going on then just individual character’s reactions. You are saying something about the world, the ruling class and the politics of the area.

 Take the time make sure you know what you want to say.

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[forgiveness-in-the-misery]

Toki’s Psychological State Through the Seasons

Toki is by far for me personally the most interesting member of Dethklok; I know to some degree he’s deemed as a potentially over hyped character by fans and even the show itself, but there’s countless reasons why people cling onto that character, and they’re good reasons. Even if said reasons just come down to “I think he’s neat.” that’s valid.

For me I am so fascinated with his character development, personality, and the varied chunks of background information we get about him throughout the series. A big part of this character is that when you look at him in season one compared to season four he is very different or at least he appears to be much different. Season one does establish that Toki does have a childish personality, his bedroom looks more like a room for a kid than one for a guy in his 20s. Season one establishes those basic facts about him that do heavily carry out through the show, but also increase as the show goes on.

Toki goes from immature but not overly immature to....a complete fucking wreck by the finale of season four (before Doomstar) and the reason for it is simple; it’s trauma.

Toki starts to act differently in season one after the Dethfamily episode; he spends practically that entire episode in a catatonic state, his parents always looming nearby like figures of danger and doom. After this we do get to him being bitter about being seen as immature and seen as the kid of the band (despite the fact he was barely 16 when he joined Dethklok) and when a charity informs him that a dying girl wants to meet him he turns into a complete prick. He finally comes out of that when he sees a video the kid made of herself singing a song about death and hatred, with that scene we see a small flashback of Toki’s childhood; him about the little girl’s age standing out in the snow staring up at his parents looking confused and a moment later he’s being smacked across the face. 

We could already gather beforehand when we found out he came from a very devout religious sect outside of Lillehammer that his childhood was sketchy, plus how he locked up when around his parents, but seeing the flashback of him being hit as a little boy.....Answers the obvious question of “did they beat him?”

Season one is the least eventful of the seasons. Season two is when shit begins changing drastically.

Season two Toki receives a call to inform him that his father has cancer and is on his death bed, the family and the church wants him to return to Norway to see his father. He acts completely fine about this initially, the phone conversation and the way he announces his father’s terminal illness to the band is as if somebody just asked to borrow his car. When it gets close to time to actually go and when they are in Norway it’s different though; he becomes anxious and clearly uncomfortable, in Norway he stays in town mostly, stalling around places he went to as a kid and a teenager before he ran off to America. 

He does handle his father’s dying well once he finally convinces himself to go inside his house and see him then follow through with his father’s dying request to carry him up to his old childhood home (which goes wrong because his friend’s are dicks.) 

I am not going to go into personal detail at all and my situation was nothing like Toki’s (it’s incredibly rare to hear situations like that anymore), but Toki handling his father’s passing freakishly well kind of was a red flag for me, because I know from my own experiences that when you find out something complicated like a terminal illness or the death of your abusive parent theres’ a chance you may respond way too calmly to it, and then later down the line days or months or years later something will trigger a big reaction to it. Which is what happens.

After handling his dad’s death well we get the most iconic scene involving Toki at that point and honestly still the most iconic; he beats a man to death with his bare hands. The thing that triggers this is a hallucinated image of a rabbit, an animal he associates both with his father and his childhood, the image of it triggers him to fly into an insanely feral blind rage taking it out on a guy who had been annoying him all night. Toki has always throughout the entire series shown signs of being a tad violent, but never THAT bad. Sure he shot down a plane and had accidentally caused a death or twenty (the whole band is, it’s part of the sacrifices to the Gods deal) but we had never seen him before or after that moment beat somebody to death. That is new and it came from a place of pent up....shit. Shit he never worked through and even after that continued to not work through.

Because after this we lead into him worsening further; he begins drinking. A lot. The band consist of dudes with addiction issues, mainly alcohol, but Toki never seemed to drink quite as much as them until after he went feral on that straight edge guy. 

Toki deals with his childhood trauma in several ways:

He drinks. A lot.

He focuses on fantasy and daydreams to keep himself from focusing on his past.

He spends a lot of time with Dr. Rockso who takes advantage of his kindness often, he also spends gross amounts of money bailing his clown buddy out of jail. Constantly.

He occasionally gets violent, but never to the point of manslaughter.

Seasons three and four are when we get fully introduced to Toki acting like a kid more than a guy in his 20s and it makes sense. Toki didn’t have a childhood; we learn that his parents essentially made him into a slave at a young age having him do pointless “chores” like sweeping snow during a storm, carrying stacks of wood much too heavy for a small child, etc. and when he failed to work quickly enough or failed a task they punished him. They punished him by locking him in a shed, they punished him by chaining him up like an animal, they punished him by smacking him, by beating him with a bull whip, and worst of all (who knew it could get worse) they would force him to stay for long periods of times in a deep hole dug into the ground. A hole where he hid a clown doll made of twigs and straw, the only friend he had as a little kid.

From all that we can gather through the show he didn’t exactly have a social life of any kind until his teens, the older he became the braver I think he became, and that was responded to with worse violence from his parents. I think the statement in season one about a vision of father killing son wasn’t totally off, I think if Toki had never run away from Norway that his father would have murdered him. I think his parents knew somehow that he isn’t entirely human, they knew he was something else, and I do think his parents had plans to kill him before he could become “too powerful”. 

That aside though.....Once we the audience as well as his friends find out far more details about his horrifying childhood Toki changes. A lot. He’d already been immature and a tad bit off but he regresses further after that, more prone to depression and outbursts, clinginess, and a need to feel like he’s loved by pretty much anybody.

This is a dude who is about my age that came to the horrid realization that any person or animal he loves will die because that’s his “gift”, the gift of death. He works his ass off to repress and rationalize a brutally nightmarish childhood, and the guys he’s in a band with who he loves and sees as his family....are dicks. We know that when he joined Dethklok before they got famous that they were all close, but when they began becoming popular and became immensely wealthy the others became more focused on self indulgence and power, less focused on this still a child who desperately just wanted a family.

I think a key factor with Toki being the way he is comes down to the band’s “no caring” rule. A rule that only existed because of Magnus. Toki is the baby in a group of people who have known each other for a good while, people who came to an agreement to not give a shit about each other for a reason they never explained to him because it’s too painful for them to think about. I think he always tried to live by that rule of not caring, he tried to bury all the shit wrong with himself the best that he could but he was never good at it. It’s also clear they all care about each other and they definitely care about Toki; Nathan and Skwisgaar often being the most protective of him. 

In season four aka the season where the show becomes less of a comedy and more of a drama with stunning animation. Toki is immensely more immature and awkward, he’s clingy with the band especially where Skwisgaar is regarded. Near the end of season four he’s completely fucked up; he splits his time between Rockso (his comfort object) and Magnus (a father figure to replace Nathan) in the dinner episode which has so much going on in it. So much. Toki is at his lowest point in the series; he shows up late, drunk as fucking hell, shirtless, and covered in bruises and cuts. Rockso is with him and when Charles tries to tell him Rockso shouldn’t be there Toki goes into a full fucking anxiety attack until Charles tells him it’s fine to have the clown there. Toki’s heavily dependent on Rockso by that point; his found family is quickly falling to shit. God knows what kind of shit Magnus might have been feeding him about the band at that point. 

Toki’s entire thing from day one/the pilot of the series is that he just wants a family. When he feels like he doesn’t belong in the one that he found and was taken in by he searches for family in other places, when he can’t handle the memories of his childhood he spirals hard. I understand that the guys didn’t really know how to handle it after they heard about Toki’s childhood so I can’t fault them completely for just.....shoving him off onto Rockso after that, but I still think they should have tried to be there for him more so, more directly. I think an outlet that isn’t a drug addled clown might have helped him in some way, I think if when he’d been a teenager if one of them had found out about his upbringing and just pointed out “that isn’t okay, at all.” then things might have panned out differently. 

Mental regression isn’t uncommon when it comes down to victims of trauma caused by extreme abuse. Especially considering his trauma all occurred basically from the get go; he was a child slave, the closest I would guess he ever got to having a childhood when he was a kid was seeing other kids childhoods. Going into town and seeing kids playing, sneaking into birthday parties just to be around other kids his age, etc. and he definitely was childish as a teenager, but I think he tried to bury that side of himself when his bandmates started teasing him or pointing out how unmetal it all is.....But then a douche bag journalist brought his parents to America, a little girl died, his abusive father died horribly (as he should) in front of him, he beat a man to death (allegedly), etc. 

He spent a lot of years away from all the trauma and the death and the bull shit then suddenly it started piling on top of him again and his escapism was fantasy, clinging onto a junkie clown, partaking in childish hobbies.....because why not? 

Each member of the band suffered some messed up shit when they were kids and it shows in different ways, this is Toki’s way of dealing with it....or not. I’m not entirely sure what his psychological state would be post Doomstar; the way he bounces back from immense trauma makes me think that he would be okay given some time and that’s a safe assumption to make, especially now that his bandmates/family will be there for him the way he needs them to be.

I want to tag @theidiotwiththepaintedface who hopefully will enjoy this painfully long deep dive into a character’s psychology lol.

[iamkidfish]

Why Shelby’s teeth works so well as a metaphor for her sexuality

I know this has been talked about a lot but I got sent an ask that made me have a Shelby breakdown so I just thought I’d add my two cents :’)

It’s pretty clear Shelby’s sexuality is linked with her teeth. She says that her flipper is something that holds back all this “ugliness”-referencing the expectations of her life, her internalized homophobia from her father, and the guilt she feels over Becca’s death. That’s a lot of emotional weight packed into a tiny little piece of plastic, but it makes sense.

1. Expectations/Performance: Very quickly into Shelby’s episode, we see how ‘fake’ she really is. (By fake, I mean conforming to the expectations her family and life has provided to her as a means of self-preservation and survival) The pageants, the boyfriend, her teeth are all ‘given’ to her as things she is expected to perform under or with but Shelby’s compliance is a double edged sword: it allows her a safety net (to play a ‘role’ in her family/community but still have these feelings for her best friend) but it’s also the rope that’s constricting her

Does Shelby even like pageants? We know she’s good at them but why did she start competing in the first place? Was it Dave, who saw some early signs of Shelby liking girls and forced her to participate in one of the most gendered things in existence? Or does Shelby put herself into that environment willingly, knowing how she feels about Becca (or girls in general) as a way to shove down her feelings?

We know Shelby is perceptive of these expectations because she lays them all out in her argument with Toni in episode: “I’m not just talking about pageant stuff”. The first time Shelby kisses Becca she’s in a pageant dress (another thing symbolizing her expectations); the first time she kisses Toni, they’re literally talking about expectations in Shelby’s life-”You’re free here Shelby, On an island a million miles away from whatever bullshit expectations and if you’re not taking advantage of that, I don’t know what the fuck to tell you”. Also important: both of these scenes/kisses have a fallout; the first being the marker on Shelby’s dress (and her father noticing the mark and the kiss) and then Shelby literally running away from Toni in the second scene (and running back to expectations/role she’s known her whole life).

It’s also important to note: Shelby’s line to Martha in the pilot “I do family, I do jesus, I do pageants.” those are the three things that are actually harming her/forcing her into these boxes. 

2. Dave Goodkind and internalized homophobia: Oh Dave...nothing like giving your kid years of trauma

Jokes aside, this is the most obvious connection between Shelby’s flipper and her sexuality. It’s mentioned in the show that Shelby first gets her fake teeth when she’s 11 and that’s a long time for her to link all of her insecurities and doubts and negative self-image to her retainer. I’m not completely sure but I think it can be easily interpreted that’s when Shelby realized she liked girls (or at least Becca)

Remember, Dave tells Shelby “God only does beautiful” after her parents initially say no to getting the permanent implants and I’m willing to bet that’s something he started to tell her when she first realized she needed the implants at 11.

It’s only until after Dave catches her kissing Becca that he starts to talk about “fixing” things

(Another important note: the scene where Shelby confronts her father about the kiss, he’s on the treadmill and in the very first scene we see of Shelby’s flashback, Dave is leading the cycling class. Exercise is another motif that is present during Shelby’s episode that relates back to the idea of image/appearance/expectations)

Dave tells Shelby “I still pray for everyone even if they don’t deserve it, even if they can’t be saved” and this is the first moment where it all crashes down. This is when his narrative changes and he changes what he’s telling Shelby to fit the narrative he has constructed.

So he decides to attack Shelby at her most vulnerable: the night she wins the pageant competition which, subsequently, is also the night she finds out that Becca has died. I’ve decided there is no way that Shelby’s parents (at least Dave) don’t know about Becca’s death. Other than the fact that they’re living in a small, conservative, religious Texas town, Shelby’s mom mentions Becca’s ‘mental health problems’, making it clear the news got out into the community, even if Becca’s parents tried to keep it under wraps.

Dave only mentions the possibility of Shelby getting permanents after the pageant competition, when he knows that Becca is dead, which is interesting to me. Obviously there could have been other times he mentioned it, but the writers’ specifically chose to include it in that scene, emphasizing the metaphor of Shelby’s sexuality being linked to her teeth. Dave is telling her “look, Becca’s death is your fault, the relationship that has been broken to the most extreme, these things are fixable. and you will be fixed.”

Again the metaphor is basically confirmed with the order of scenes in Shelby’s episode. Dave continues to push Shelby into getting the permanents, even after Shelby’s mother looks shocked and protests, saying “if it can be fixed, the pain is worth it”. I think in the very next interview scene Shelby tells Faber and Young that she had “very different plans” for the summer and she also has her flipper still (and it’s still cracked), signifying Dave’s plan for her conversion didn’t work. Assuming that’s how Gretchen marketed it to him for him to agree to send her.

I know there are also some theories around saying that Dave is also gay but went through some kind of conversion therapy, from the way he talks to Shelby, and with all the metaphor about the teeth being genetic-I couldn’t find the post but thought that was interesting to add. 

3. Guilt about Becca’s death

Oops this is getting long so I’ll make this short. 

But Shelby tells everyone that know one else knows about her flipper, except in the flashback scene where Shelby kisses Becca, Dave invites her to stay for dinner. Obviously this had a double meaning, but what’s important is that it’s casual and feels authentic, like it’s been happening for a long time. And why shouldn’t it, Becca and Shelby have been friends for years, of course Becca is going to eat dinner with Shelby’s family. So she has also seen Shelby’s flipper/knows about her teeth. 

There’s a lot to be said about the parallels of Toni and Becca both telling Shelby that they “see” her in someway but for me, the most important part is after Leah accuses Shelby of being the spy in ep 7. Both Toni and Becca, the only two people who Shelby has confided in her feelings with/kissed and know about her teeth, say that “see” her. 

Shelby tells Toni, it’s “just another reason to hate me, not that you need any more” connecting back to the conversation she had with Becca on the porch, and you realize that, through the connection, Shelby fully blames herself for Becca’s death and feels as if Becca hates her, because, she believes, Toni does too.