#this was just a shitpost I have a whole ass other one explaining in detail about this topic lol

[sinnbaddie]

No matter how many Robin’s die, no matter how many times a Robin dies, no one will ever touch the OG that is Jason Todd.

Everyone else dying after Jason? Attention whores. Get some originality

[wikagirl]

Okie dokie my honey sweety sugar boos. I know I said I wasn't gonna get active in this fandom, mainly bc I don't play the game a lot outside of the story campaign because I turn into a terrible person in pvp also, I don't even own the game, my brother lets me snickerdoodle his steam account to play both the og mw2 and the remake story and that's all I did gameplay wise, but I have been obsessively reading the lore of the new characters because my brain chooses my hyperfocus and I do not get to have a say in it so here we are.

Below the cut we've got in the following order: -A warning and explanation about my chaotic writing style that you can just skip -some additional info about where I'm from and how it plays into the headcanons -Actual headcanons -Cultural foods I think könig would like -Music and musicians I think he would like

So I have been chatting with a buddy about the characters, thus furthering both our brainrot (we both have the weird tendency to get overly invested in the lore of games we don't even play, in our case cod, r6s and apex lmao) so here I am to curse your eyeballs with some more könig headcanons. I'll elaborate some more of my previous shitpost thanks to one single person asking real nicely for me to elaborate in the tags of a repost (yeah looking right at you @regretsabaddon, you enabled me to write this, now suffer the consequences <3)

Also this is a warning: I am an unmedicated adhder and you will 100% be able to tell, I am allready rambeling and overexplaining it will only get worse as I go. I'll do my best to elaborate on the really nieche cultural stuff, the elaboration will be (added to the main headcanon like this) so you can just skip over the explanation if you don't care for that kinda shit also I personally support every ship featuring könig, but I do definetly have a special little spot in my heart for könig and horangi in a best buddies kinda way because I love the big reserved behemoth + shorter feral gremlin dynamic.

Additionally, I am from a region called Franken which spans across several of the 16 states that make up germany, one of them being the most northern part of bavaria, idk if that actually matters for any of the shit I'm about to write but I though I might just bring it up......yeah

Now with that out of the way, lets get crackin'. All of this shit is in no particular order, I'm just writing them down as the come into my head. This is what my thoughts look like, welcome to hell.

The actual headcanons start here

-so first, I 100% think he was born in germany and then moved to austria with one of his parents being german and the other austiran. I'm gonna explain in detail why but if you don't care about the politics of serving in foreign military in germany or austira you can skip the whole next block.

(You can not join the german military as a foreigner without citizenship and even if he was born in austria his citizenship would have been revoked the second he joined the german military unless he lived on german soil with dual german-australian citizenship before compulsory service in germany was abolsihed in 2011. In that case he would have been allowed to join without losing his austiran citizenship. Also if I'm not mistaken his bio says he's german but the patch on his gear is the austrian flag so I personally like to believe that he grew up somewhere in bavaria close to the border and just decided to haul his ass down to austira and get citizenship there after his time in the Kommando Spezialkräfte meaning that he now either a dual citizenship or just purely austiran papers. (and I've read on reddit that they changed it to the german flag now? Don't know how true that is tho, can't fact check it atm bc I don't have the game installed. And in an offical blog enrty that you can find n the sources of the cod wiki he is said to be in the austrian jagdkommands? Make up your friggin mind. Or at least explain I'm getting confused))

-country kid, dislikes cities because they are crowded and too complex in layout, is totally fine with towns tho

-in my previous post I said that name wise he gives me major Torsten vibes and I honestly wish I could explain but I can't. You really need to have met a Torsten to know a Torsten and it just really fits. But if I had to decribe a Torsten it would be someone that gives of young dad energy, like has a kiddo in kindergarden type young dad, with a lot of anxiety, kinda protective of his loved ones but also with a childish streak (like an obesession with plushies for example) who can get very violent if he needs to....that's a Torsten.

-Same goes for what I think could be a really nice lastnmae form him. He gives off major „extemely hella old german“ lastname vibes, something like Grafeneck.

(„Dukes corner“ if you translate literally, again not a very common name but also not absolutely unheard of especially in the deep middle of nowhere bavaria)

-tldr. I headcanon his name to be something like Torsten Grafeneck

-Probably somewhere between 30 and 45

-has at least 1 tamagotchi

-is a digimon kid, the idea of having a digital creature buddy is probably also what led him to getting a tamagotchi (digimon somehow manages to have a really unhealthy grip on a big potrion of millenials and older zoomers in germany, especially the music. The german versions of intros and the transformation songs go hard af lemme tell ya)

-was one of these hella tall lanky kids in school and got bullied for being built like a flagpost

-joined the army bc he didn't know what to do with his life after school and just kind of went with it from there.

-emotionally he is still that twig of a man even tho realistically he knows that he could handle the spines of all of his old school bullies like a snap bracelet now

-probably also had some weird interests that only added to the bullying, might have even been the stereotypical nerdy kid that liked videogames and anime before it got cool/mainstream. Distanced himself from his interests/stopped talking about them in order to keep himself safe and now is just a little bit miffed about how something he used to get picked on for is now very popular.

-Mittlere Reife? Got it. (in germany you enter primary school at 6/7, after 4 years it splits into several different branches, those being Hauptschule, Realschule/Mittlere Reife and Gymnasium. Hauptschule takes 9 years and teaches you basicly all you need, stereotypically people who graduate from there do blue collar work. Realschule/Mittlere Reife is 10 years and seen as the standart/what most people go to and it's more or less the same as Hauptschule but they teach you more useless shit just to enable you to do the same jobs but with higher pay and a couple positions up in the corporate ladder. Gymnasium takes 12 years and enables you to go to uni, it's called Abitur or Abi for short. If you've got Mittlere Reife you can tag on additional 3 years in a seperate kind of Gymnasium to get your abitur too, but those ususally have a nieche thing they focus on. For example my abitur has a niche focus on economy and buissness, that's what we call a Fachabitur)

-used to have long hair in his late school years but chopped it off because of the high maintainance also if I'm not mistaken back when we still had compulsory service there were some rules rgarding hairlength that have since been abolished.

-went to a metal festival in his mid to late teens, had a blast but at the same time was constantly so overloaded with anxiety that he never wants to go again unless he can drag someone with him. Would have loved to have someone braid his hair but didn't have the courage to walk up to someone and ask/accept if it was offered to him. Goes absolutely WILD in the moshpit after a couple of beers and definetly has a whole ass playlist filled with songs to listen to back in camp. (there is this weird thing, idk if it's a purely german thing, but we sure do like to play the most annoying braincell-popping aneurysm inducing music while chilling in camp in between stage shows. It spans from hardbass-remixes of childrens cartoon intros all the way to several hour loops of the cantina band. Source: trust me bro.)

-loves his gandma a lot. Even though he's twice her height she still calls him her little boy and he loves it. Like I imagine his granny to be the type that sneaks her adult kids and grandkids candy as if they were 10 and is supportive no matter what even if she doesn't always quite understand. Also yes this is thechnically a gandma headcanon and not a könig headcanon but I don't give a shit and he deserves the greatest country-side grandma there is.

-könig ususally doesn't have a dialect unless there is someone else speaking dialect. Adapts the deepness of the dialect to the person he is talking with, in other words when he's talking with ganny even most other germans won't understand shit. Also as someone that understands the bavarian dialect he can prettymuch also understand every other german dialect because it can't get much worse except maybe what they speak in Köln depending on who you ask.

-can recognize what regions other germans and austrians are from just from the way they speak, sometimes even down to the exact ctiy because of how specific certain dialect tends to get over here.

-humms to himself when he is alone/thinks he's alone or with someone that he feels comfortable with

-has different playlist for different purposes bc he's very selfconcious about his music taste and thus doesn't listen to certain types of music around certain groups of people. As the (assumably) only german speaking member of KorTac he might listen to a lot of german music while on base bc it gives him comfort that noone understands his, in his opinion, questionable taste in music and the lyrics but definetly also has some songs in the playlist that he thinks/knows other on the base enjoy.

-his taste in music is over all very diverse with different languages (mostly english and german) and genres, some of them seem really contradictory (I might make a little list at the end when I run out of other stuff)

-is one of those guys in your friendgroup that seem very chill most of the time but have some deeprunning anger issues and the battlefield is his outlet

-doesn't like being the angry scary murder machine, but he does like the calm that washes over him after he let off some steam. The longer he goes without his outlet the more anxious he gets.

-the longest amount of eyecontact he's ever upheld with anyone was with horangi during summer, when they and a bunch of others had a bit of a dry spell in terms of missions and contracts to they all sat down for a beer together one evening. König gave Horangi the most intense deathglare as he watched the korean veeeeeeerrryyyyyyyy slowly add one icecube after a nother to his glass of beer, never breaking eyecontact in the process.

-Not a very picky eater but if you give him the chance to eat some classic german/austian food he definetly will choose it over any other option. He also is the guy that everyone gives their leftovers to when they can't finish their plate.

-same goes for drinking, however, he'd rather drink water from a swamp than Beck's (a beer brand, commonly the one you'll find at big festivals unless the festival has deals with local breweries, you either like it or think it tastes the way piss smells no inbetween)

-gets random muscle twitches in his eyebrows sometimes and he doesn't really know why

-alternates between having a little uwu kitten sneeze or the loudest eardrum busting ACHOO in existence

-it'll will take a loooooot of coaxing to get him over his anxiety but he's happy to cook with others if their housing situation allows for it.

-Everythone thinks he hates physical affection because of the way he always tenses up when he gets a pat on the shoulder or any other form of casual contact but he actually really likes it, he just doesn't know how to react really

-thanks to his past issues he will instinctively flinch when someone raises their hand too quickly (like for a high five for example), but it becomes less and less the close he is with the person

-has one of these angry-happy octopus things you can flip but the angy side is black and has red lines drawn under the eyes with a marker to match his sniperhood, the happy side is light blue with pale green dots.

-whittels wood to calm his nerves/keep his hands occupied, mostly animals from the wildlife of his home

-he LOVES highland cows. Compared to him they are basicly pocket sized plush cows (he's 210-ish cm and scottish highlands reach a shoulder hieght between 110-130 cm)

-he becomes different types of drunk depending on the perviously established mood and people he's with. When it's just him and friend he becomes the lazy sleepy snuggelbug kind of drunk, if he's in a party setting he will get a bit more hyper and loose some of his anxiety to the alcohol and if you make the mistake of letting him drink when he's allready feeling down then you better prepare for the big depresso.

-hugs people in his sleep, he has no conrtol over it but he's aware of the fact that he does it while asleep so he keeps his distance from others unless it's with his S.O or with a nother close friend but the latter will have to repeatedly tell him that it's fine and chill.

-ueses “Stadtkind” (city kid) as an insult regularly

-backpains....alot....also has a tendency to slouch down to make himself look smaller

-hates public buildings in germany because the standart door height is 1,98m and in some rare cases 2,10m meaning that he either has to duck down or just baaaaaarely fits with his hair grazing the top end of the doorframe as he walks through

-loves Karneval, or as it's called in bavaria: Fasching. He loves the fact that he can get dressed up n costumes, get wasted and basicly be a different person with less worries for a bit. Also loves the sense of community that comes with the events in some of the more rural areas, especially in towns were almost everyone is involved in organizing in some way. If he wasen't away from home so much thanks to being on base, he'd probably join one of the building groups that make the carts for the Karnevall parades on Rosenmontag but you'll probably never catch him as one of the people dressed up on top of the carts, he'd be the guy that walks along the parade in minimal costuming and acts as a security guy to make sure that everything runs smoothly. He'd probably have to do a good bit of Vorglühen (drinking before going to a party) if he plans on attending one of the Prunksitzungen (stageshows with comedy, dragging local politicans, dance, music and acrobatics) bc if he goes he wants to see the whole thing but since there are a crap ton of people there he'll need to muffle his anxiety beforehand.

-in a living with his S.O scenario he'd probably be the diy guy with a garage full of tools. No Ikea kitchen cabinets in his household.

-pet of choice? Big strong floofy dog that could probably murder someone by itself but is actually a really affectionate snugglebug

-casual gamer in his downtime. I can see him playing a variety of games like shooters (r6, apex), singleplayer rpgs (like elderscrolls series or the witcher) but also survival games. He'd probably play survival games as if they were animal crossing with a really aesthetic looking homebase and all the tameable pets where he just tends to his gardens and chills on the porch but with the bonus that he also get to deck some enemies in the face every now and then. Like he's the guy with the over engineered, perfect structural entegrity valheim base that looks like a small medival european town or he's the guy with the empressive treehouse in the redwoods in ark survival that spans across the entire forest and he definetly has one of the shoulder pets with him 24/7

-the only thing going on in his head while on a mission is the song from the "violent vincent-I'm going to kill your family" ring tone and you can't convince me other wise

-German/austiran foods he'd like probably like:

anything that includes Spätzle (basicly a german type of noodle even though it's not really a noodle bc the way the dough is made is very different from noodles but still, looks like noodle, eats like noodle, is a noodle)

Maultaschen (basicly german ravioli, they come in very different sizes. The small ones are usually as part of a soup, the big ones you eat as main dish with sauce and veggies. In some regoins they are also known as “Herrgottsb'scheißerle” which transaltes to “little lord cheaters” because the lore/legend of their origins is that a bunch of monks were gifted meat during the season of fasting and they didn't want it to go to waste so they made it into the filling for the german-ravioli so god can't see them eat the seasonally-forbidden meat.)

Germknödel/Dampfnudel (big floofy bun, usually filled with plum or cherry jam, eaten with vanilla sauce)

Schäufele/Schäuferl (littlerally translates to “little shovel”, it's the shoulderblade of a pig with meat still on it, eaten with sauce and various side dishes depending on the region but usually potatoes, spätzle or dumplings with either red cabbage or buttered veggies)

Lentil stew with flour-dumplinds and Wammerl (specific type of smoked beef)

Ahoj Brause (okay this is not a food but a soda, you can either get it canned or as little packets in powder form that you still have to mix with water. I can totally see him have a stash of the powder packs on base. Fun fact: ahoi brause was originally cancelled and taken off the market for a bit, less than a year, when the company was bought by Katjes (known for making vegan gummies but also other candies) but the germans got mad so they beought it back. Also one of the oldest unchangeing candy brands in terms of packaging in germany.)

bands/musicians and songs I think he'd listen to (but aren't limited to) + a short explanation of what the song is about if it's in german because some of the titles do be looking a bit questionable at first glance:

literally everything that Electric Callboy ever put out

probably some classic stuff (and with classic I mean stuff that everone can potentionally vibe with even if its not their main thing, not the opera stuff that's would be classical) like queen, bon jovi and, as much as we like to meme about them being bad, nickleback

A lot of songs by powerwolf

Also Feuerschwanz, most of their songs are medival/viking themed party songs with metal sprinkeled in, they also have some interesting covers of stuff like “gimme gimme gimme” or “dragostea din tei”

Alestorm

Bannkreis

Rammstein

MyDarkestDays

a bunch of songs by Santiano, Mr Hurly und die Pulveraffen and Versengold for a fun but relaxed drinking mood, all have a very “drinking in a tavern with the dnd-party” vibe

”Fahrradsattel” by Pisse (song is about a girl that wants to have serious relationship and get married but the singer just wants her to sit on his face lmao)

”Das ist alles von der Kunstfreiheit gedeckt” by Danger Dan (basicly just a guy singing about a whole lot of very questionable sometimes literally illegal to say stuff (like denying that the holocaust happened, yes that can literally get you into trouble with lawenforcement in germany) you could theoretically say and get in hella trouble for but get away with by claiming that it's covered by the freedom of art)

”Deine Schuld” by Die Ärzte (this song is literally a callout to all the doofuses that just complain about the world, stating that it's not their fault that the world is the way it is but it will be their fault if they don't make a move to change it)

”ich bin das Gesetz” by Eisbrecher (literally describes what I think König would be like on the battle field. A person that is also a feelingless well oiled machine there to execute a job)

”Hitler Töten” by Sudden feat. Alligatoah (dude thinking about all the stuff he probably should do if he had a time machine, like stopping the titanic from leaving the port or killing hitler, but he'd rather use it to get back into the arms of his last relationship, even if the relationship he describes was hella toxic)

”Du bist schön” by alligatoah (about people that have their looks as their only woth mentioning feature, also a criticism of the modern consumerism and the way we have people in poor countries make our clothes for sub-human pay)

”Willst du (mit mir Drogen nehmen)?” also by Alligatoah (literally just asking a girl if she wants to take drugs with him and a bunch of descriptions of all the fucked up shit they would do as they send their life down the drain)

”Hurt” by Oliver Tree

”Semi-Automatic” by Twenty One Pilots

”Stille Wasser” by Ignis Fatuu (song about a guy confrontig his now ex-best friend after said ex-best friend sexually assulted and possibly murdered a girl)

”Der dunkle See” by Unzucht (a metaphotical description of someones emotional state as a deep dark lake that seems to be unmoving and calm while actually being very tumultuous under the surface)

”Ein Wort flieg wie ein Stein” by Unzucht (a song from the perspektive of a guy who just had his girlfriend confess to him that she cheated. Her confession is described as a stone being thrown at him, shattering his heart like glass)

”Werben” by ASP (a song about wanting to literally be filled up, consumed and merged with ones love, described as dark magic and a devils concoction. Basicly if Gomez Addams were to sing about his love to Morticia but german)

”Krabat” also by ASP (muscial retelling of the german classic by the same name. It's a book about a guy named Krabat learning dark magic at the hands of a miller that has made a pact with the devil, giving him the power to turn into a raven. The song describes him flying across the land to escape his masters eye and be with his love)

”A little piece of heaven” by Avenge Sevenfold

”Love bites” by Halestorm

Songs for the silly “I will torture you with this until your brain goes numb” metal festival campsite/getting into the mood for Karneval playlist. I will not explain these because they either are songs that most people listen to when they are too drunk to understand the text anyways or pretty self explanatory so here I go:

”Helikopter 117” by Tobee

”Saufen, morgens, mittags, abends” by Ingo ohne Flamingo

”Margarethe” by Buddy Ogün

”Bück dich hoch” by Deichkind

”Leider geil” also by Deichkind

”Leb deinen traum” aka the digimon adventure intro

”Through the fire and the trains – Thomas vs dragonforce” by nick totsch on youtube

”Ferien in algerien” the 12 minute version by Knokator

”Tight pants/Body rolls” by lesliehall on youtube

the covers of “Barbie girl” and “boom, boom, boom, boom” by little V on youtube

And finally: Some phrases and quotes as well as german memery I could see him toss around with other german speakers. Also the dialect-ish stuff is written the way a german would say it, there is no gramatically correct way to write dialect....so good luck trying to pronounce that in your head

Starting off with a classic “Sprich deutsch du Hurensohn” literally transaltes to “Speak german you son of a bitch”, most commonly used in the german r/ichiel subreddit, though könig would probably only use it with peopl that he REALLLYYY knows he can use it without hurting anyones feelings so...almost never but just imagine him being in a convo with somebody in german and then somebody non-german, horangi for example, walks up and asks whats up, he drops the line and horangi just stands there, expression completely blank thanks to his mask and sunglasses, staring until könig start to apologize all worried and horangi just starts laughing because our big guy just worries too much.

”joa mei!” transaltes to something like “oh my!”

”na moin”/”ja moin” there is no literal transaltion for this, but it is used as an exclamation/reaction akin to going “lmao” after someone did something incredibly stupid or something funny happened.

”Pissnelke” literally transaltes to “piss carnation” it's just an insult used the same way as asshole but originated as a term for girls that men find....lacking in willingness to do certain stuff but it's just used for everyone nowerdays and I think it sounds hella funny

”hinterfortzig” is a verb that literally translated to “behind the cunt” so...just a very funky way to say someone behaves like an asshole Example: “man, Kyle really is acting like an asshole today” - “Mann, Kyle verhällt sich heute echt hinterfotzig”

”sapperlot!” exclamation of surprise.....if I catch anyone use this in an nsfw situation I will have you in a box

”warum liegt hier stroh?” it's.....from a clip of german porn that gets memed a lot....we LOVE to meme german porn because germans find german to sound very very un-sexy funnily enough. Just look up the clip on youtube if you really want to know I honestly don't have the braincells to explain this one

Also I think König would be the type of person that would be able to quote both “Schuh des Manitu” and “(T)Raumschiff surprise”, both movies by Michael Bully Herbig, by heart forwards and backwards. I don't think that there is a version with english subtitles out there saldy but they are a huuuge part of german meme culture. The first one is a winnetou parody and the second a parody of star trek enterprise.

Oh hey you've made it to the bottom of my size A4 8 page long, times new roman font size 12 adhd induced not proofread ramble about a character from a game I don't even play. Wowies you must be really really bored huh...

So yeah this is what goes on in my brain if I develop a hyperfocus and now watch me not even remember who this guy is in two weeks because my brain just do be jumping from one thing to a nother like that and it's honestly driving me insane please sent help.

Anyways I hope you had fun, plz don't take any of the shit I said as me trying to lay down the law. These are literally just random throughts I have in my brain about a fictional man and I honestly couldn't care less if you agree or disagree as long as you had fun on your way down here. And if you didn't have fun...welll...I'm sorry for your loss of braincells that you probably suffered while reading this

Have a good one.

[homeofjonicles]

The Jonicles - Entry 12 (original image source)

Note: This is the twelfth entry of The Jonicles, hence why the date does not match when this is being posted. This was written back in June of this year before I started this blog, and there will be errors or developments in how this series was being written. Please enjoy (or don't enjoy) the twelfth entry of The Jonicles!

It is currently the 16th of June, 2022 at 8:10 am. It's a Thusday, and what's even more special is that Garfield (at least, the Garfield as we know him...) has his birthday coming up on Sunday!! Today also marks #29 of my Jon Arbuckle hyperfixation. I'm almost at day #30 and that frightens me.

You know, this whole fixation on Jon Q. Arbuckle has lead to me seeing some pretty weird things, kinda like that image up above. It's the Garfield fandom, after all. Lasagna Cat, Gorefield, Bad Monday Simulator, r/imsorry jon, Garfield Minus Garfield, I've seen it all, babey. 

But, even after all that, there are still some things that break me, and just yesterday when I was looking through the Jon Arbuckle hate blog (yes, that exists and it's hilarious, even as a Jonniseur) I found a reblog of a post from someone I forget the name of who described an experience with a dream they had, a specific detail that they had remembered in that dream. Included in that post was this image of an entity I only know as simply "Turnip Jon".

Turnip Jon. Turnip Jon. Turnip. Jon.

There are so many weird fucking drawings and art pieces I've seen of Garfield and Jon. I've seen art where Jon has some sort of orange fungi sprouting from his body, I've seen art where the roles are reversed and now Jon is Garfield's pet, heck, back in 2017 I binge-watched a bunch of fanmade Garfielf videos which all led up to the reveal of Garfield being a supreme, godly being featuring a mashup of Garfield openings X Waters of Megalovania. So many drawings, so much fanfiction, so many shitposts...

But even still, nothing prepared me for Turnip Jon. The pure simplicity mixed with absurdity still truly perplexes me even hours after I first saw that image. Look at him. Just look at him. The sheer image of him is enough to break someone. It's so weird. He's so weird looking, his plump turnip body with that smug ass smirk like you know this man is up to something michievious. And those eyes. Those half-lidded, seductive eyes of his he has. And to think, someone dreamt him. Someone's deep, complex, intelligent subconscious created his entity and put it into existence in this person's mind. It created the perfect being. How. How do you even do that.

They then go on to explain Turnip Jon's known abilities, of which he has two. He is able to hover above ground by using his leaves as a propeller, an astounding evolutionary trait that no turnip has seen before. He is also able to shapeshift, specifically into one of those spinny turbine thingies you see on top of houses. An evolutionary masterpiece and an effective house coolant system. He is truly the best being. Nothing can top him.

And for what purpose? Why does he exist? What is his duty in this world? Why does such a perfect being, a being that is a mix of absurdity and hilarity, deserve to live in this flawed, horrible chaos that is this mortal coil? What is his purpose? What has he seen in his life? Why, despite all the wars, all the pain, all the hatred, do we still deserve this unsung entity? Maybe he is not the entity we deserve, but he's the entity we need in this world.

And it gets deeper. Is there a Turnip Garfield? A Turnip Odie? Turnip Liz perhaps? Mayhaps even Turnip Lyman? How many Turnip Jons exist in this world? Where did he come from? Why, out of all the turnips in the world, does he have the power to fly and shapeshift? Can Turnip Jon shapeshift into other objects? Is he edible? What is his origin story? Is this turnip form simply a primal form or is it Jon's most powerful one? Is... Is Turnip Jon God!?!?!?!?

Folks, there are many questions I have about this fantastic little sponge here, but even after all this, maybe we'll never know the truth. Maybe the truth is not ours to know. But even knowing that, we can at least have the comfort of knowing this one thing.

Turnip Jon is perfection. Turnip Jon is incredible. He's so simple yet he's so... amazing. He only has two abilities yet it feels like he could do anything in the world. He's so absurd yet so charming and he's so memorable. He's so dumb yet has so many complexities to him. And you know what? I love Turnip Jon. All my homies love Turnip Jon. I love his little veggie form, his smug little face and his adorable leaves. I love imagining him hovering mid-air and smacking his face into a wall repeatedly. He's so... good...

Turnip Jon, I welcome you with open arms into both my insane-in-the-membrane brain and into my heart, as all Jons go to. You are perfection, you are absurdity, but most importantly, you are Jon. Enjoy your stay, my man. My skrunkly, tiny, stupid turnip man.

Turnip Jon is love. Turnip Jon is life.

Last edited at 8:44 pm. Long school day!

God, that least line is just... so cursed. If you know, you know, but if you somehow don't... I send my condolences.

Anyway, Turnip Jon is probably one of the funniest things I have seen on this godforsaken website. He's so funny looking, he's so weird, and oh my goodness it took me a literal hour to find the original source of the image for this entry. I thought I had it bookmarked but I didn't, I went through so many reverse image searches and came up with nothing an the only way I found it was by painfully scrolling through the Jon hate blog to find it again. Very elusive of him to just hide in there like that.

And yes, Turnip Jon is still as perplexing and just... unbelievable to this day. He's just..... so weird, man. I love him. He's fantastic. Yes, this entry is written in a slightly satirical fashion and I exaggerate some things, but I genuinely find Turnip Jon to be such a perplexing creature. He's just so..... I don't even know, magical? Yeah, magical.

(i also apologise in advance to the original poster of turnip jon, i' just find him to be so fucking funny i'm sorry)

Cheers,

Your Local Jonnoisseur

Posted on the 22nd of July, 2022 at 8:30 pm. We're getting close, fellas.

[queer-crusader]

Okay update on my life since it seems talking about it doesn’t trigger another panic attack/breakdown:

So i graduated in july right

And with the end of uni, my student funding ends too

So i look for a job bc i cannot sustain myself otherwise

Except the economy is shit, because the UK is handling the pandemic almost worse than any other country in the world (we love that)

Knowing i’ll need some financial support to tie me over, i apply to universal credit

I also know my roommate, who i’ve lived with for 5 years, is moving out in october, and i will need to find someone to replace her or i end up paying £1000/month for living in this flat, which i don’t have of course

Job search becomes more frantic and exhausting and stressful

Also my dad started throwing up at some point and is eating less and is very specific about not upsetting his stomach. This is strange because he is known for his iron stomach and has not thrown up in years. I know my family history, i have my suspicions, but the doctor says it could be an ulcer. It could be fine, but my brain jumps to the worst-case scenario, because why wouldn’t it? More stress

Universal credit gets back to me - application denied

I think, hey, the category they filed me under seems wrong, i should be a habitual resident, not an EEA jobseeker, because i’ve lived here 6 years now. So i apply for an appeal, explaining the situation

Few weeks later, i receive a letter. Appeal rejected. It goes into detail how some rule that was set up in 2016 (Brexit year) lists all the reasons why just living here for 6 years, building up contacts, creating a future, feeling at home, being allowed to vote for Scottish parliament elections, is not good enough. Every sentence is like a punch in the gut. The letter boils down to fancy government words that translate to “you’re a freeloading immigrant who, according to our records, might as well be living in Fiji, and we’re giving you fuck all. Good luck surviving”

Full-blown breakdown ensues, because I’ve been fearing this ever since i arrived but was told by EVERYONE that that fear is ridiculous. I fit in, i belong, i sound English, i’m fluent, i’m passionate and well-educated about local politics, etc. I knew it wouldn’t be good enough. Race doesn’t matter; I’m European, and for the UK government, that’s good enough.

Anyway, cue the next day, and my mum phones me with news

My dad is in hospital. Turns out i was right - bowel cancer. He’s going into emergency surgery the very next day to get a tumour removed

I don’t sleep that night, for obvious reasons

Dad comes out of surgery fine, they got the whole thing, took some extra tests to see if it spread but it’s looking good so far. Meanwhile i have images of my dad, skinny as hell and with a tube up his nose seared into my brain

I fly home two days later to be with my family, who obviously need me

My dad is cleared of cancer, which is AWESOME, but we do learn that if the doctors had waited a couple days longer he could have had a perforated bowel. My mum is furious with the GP who underestimated the case

I get in touch with my landlady, saying “hey, this is my life right now, i am not in a position to search for a roommate replacement. Here’s the pics we took of the flat, can you look yourself? Also, if i don’t find a job by the end of the month, I may have to move out as well due to financial struggles, so keep in mind there’s a chance you’re going to have to look for two new tenants”

Landlady’s reply: “oh i can’t afford for the flat to be empty so i’m gonna sell it now”

So now i don’t even have an option of keeping the flat. I’ll have to move out, job or not. I can’t afford a new flat, and i can’t look for one bc a) pandemic and b) im in another country looking after my recovering dad (who is still losing weight btw, 15kg or 30-something lbs or 2.5 stone in a month, it’s horrible to see but at least he’s feeling a little better each day)

If i lose my flat, i may not be able to get a UK job. If i don’t get a UK job, chances are, i can not return to Scotland

6 years of living here, of building friendships, contacts and connections, skills for a career (which is also down the drain - theatre, an industry that is currently being killed by a lovely combo of the UK govt and the pandemic), a home, a love for the county, an intimate knowledge of the workings here, the language, the system, the stories, the history, i almost know the system here better than the Dutch one - my entire adult life. I may lose.

There is a chance i’ll be able to cling on, and god im fighting for it with the few spoons i have after all this stress, but the chance of me losing everything is equally plausible.

I have now flown back to Scotland where I put myself in self-isolation

In a week, my roommate will have moved out and i have 10 or so days left stuck in this place all by myself

I will spend this time packing up all my belongings, choosing what to take back to my parents’ place with me and what to put into storage, which i will pay for with my remaining savings and some financial support from the parents (they can’t afford much tho, my mum is unemployed and on benefits and my dad is a freelancer recovering from fucking surgery. I have no idea what their financial situation is right now, but apparently they’re okay-ish with their savings. Still, stress, and i don’t wanna burden them even more)

Then there’s the hope that the lockdown won’t have regressed back to that point where every plane is cancelled, and i’m stuck in this country without a place to call my home. (Don’t worry, i won’t end up on the street if this happens, I have friends willing to shelter me until i can fly home if they have to)

And once i’ve left, it’s only a question of when, and more promenently if, I’ll be able to return here, to Scotland.

I have never been this stressed, and i have never been this terrified. I am angry all the time (yes you can read that in Zuko’s voice lmao), I’m exhausted, and i’m fuelled by spite against prime minister Blow-Job and sheer stubbornness in refusing to feel like shit, because i just can’t be bothered with that. I just about manage to get through the day, to get up at a reasonable time, to feed myself, to shower, to exercise (because if i don’t, my wonky hip will give me hell and i’ll be in agony on top of my depression and anxiety. We love functioning bodies). But I’ll be okay. I’m trying to find solutions for everything, one step at a time. I’m taking care of myself the best i can. And if you wonder where my writing updates are, or my shitposts, or my ridiculously excited tags, then firstly, thank you for noticing ohmygod i love you, and secondly, know that i’ll be back. If God exists, know im kicking their ass. Fuck all this bullshit, my life is a mess but i REFUSE to let it stop me in my tracks. I’m too powerful, i am Brian David Gilbert’s interpretation of Sonic (either a god or can kill god and it doesn’t matter which). I’m gonna keep on truckin.

[emorishh]

this sounds like a shitpost but it’s not:

IF your very first draft is NOT SHITTY, you are DOING IT WRONG!!!

you have no spelling errors? INCORRECT. do not go back to edit anything! ANYTHING! when you’re writing your first draft.

hey! STOP looking up synonyms! *hits you with a wooden spoon* BAD! BAD! just write the word you’re overusing way too much and come back to it AFTER you’re finished. and i mean FINISHED, you fool!

i am. trying to save your life here. DONT EDIT AS YOU WRITE. you’ll end up deleting whole sections of edited writing because it doesn’t fit with the plot, and it’ll feel terrible. don’t waste your time! please i’m BEGGING YOU—

hey. HEY! I SEE YOU BACKSPACING! N O ! you don’t have to absolutely limit yourself to NEVER backspacing, as i know it can be hard. but cut down the use on the delete button! try and train yourself to only delete when it’s necessary, like when you want to add an important detail that you might forget if you don’t do so. still, try not to backspace. that’s the same as editing, lads.

can’t think of the word? write a different word; a word that would never come up in your actual story. like iphone if you’re writing a medieval fantasy. then when you’re done and you’re ready to edit, highlight “iphone” throughout your entire work. Go through and edit as the context demands.

you should probably know some of the names of your characters, and maybe general age and a vague background. but keep it vague (for some of them, if you don’t want to do all), so their past can shift with your plot as the need arises.

additionally, if you can’t think of a character name, just write something stupid as hell, like bitchboy or idiot mcgee. then do as you do in #5.

it’s ok to interrupt your own writing here. write notes to yourself as to why you wrote a specific thing, what could change, etcetera.

an extension to the above is summarizing, but try not to use it too much. yes, you can summarize, but try to keep large blocks of summarizing off your actual writing draft.

stop reading here if u don’t want to hear abt a plot exercise i do! vvv vvv vvv

lastly, because this one is less about first drafts and more about plot: i don’t know how helpful this might be for y’all, it’s not super mega amazingly fantastic for helping me write... but it’s fun as hell, and it does help a bit with my own understanding of my story!:

write ur thought process!! pretend you’re explaining the plot to someone! but write it out! interrupt urself! things don’t have to be in logical order here. it’s just what u want to have happen, and important points you plan to include. here’s a very fucking long medium sized excerpt from my own thought process exercise, because i have no shame and i want to talk abt my writing...:

“ok so basically this fuckin story is about uhhh. magic n shit!! we love cliches in this house. anyways there’s sixteen mages and they’re all spread out across the land. it switches perspectives between them and they r basically trying 2 Not Die because some of the main kingdoms think magic is evil. fuck u cliches are fun u can’t tell me what to do. there’s one kingdom that’s like. “magic bad!”. cuz this one dumbass angstyboy had a Tragic Past and therefore decided to be buddy buddy with the king (who’s an idiot) to outlaw magic. if u use magic ur either executed or sentenced to jail time, where u will disappear before ur sentence ends. wack af. some of these mages live in this kingdom, which means they gotta hide their magic stuff. some of the mages tho, actually don’t have magic yet (it can develop later in life). and a lot of them don’t live in that kingdom, so they’re at less risk. but magic is technically illegal in all six kingdoms (w/ varying degrees of punishment severity), so they gotta b careful. what kicks off the start of the adventure? well, in the heart of the main yikes kingdom, one of the head knights discovers she has magic. throughout the story, each character meets up w/ each other until they’re all together in one group (which might not even happen in the first book lmao). there are other cool characters who contribute to this sexy ass plot...” (cont.)

(btw i have a blog for this wip, the url is magicandmages and it’s literally the worst and i never post but if u want to follow it u can. and honestly, if u show interest in it, it’ll give me motivation to write. so if u want to, go ahead,,)

[littlemulattokitten]

Dating App Conundrums

Alright so I’ve been planning to do this for a while, and may make a thing out of it just to chronicle the adventure from single to hopefully not, but who knows. 

Basically I decided to research a few dating apps and try them out, since I’m the type of person who’s content to stay home, but also only likes going out with a friend or small group (not alone) - therefore my chances of meeting people are probably in the negatives without dating services like the ones I’m currently on.

This post will probably end up being both a review of some of these apps as well as a master shitpost detailing the adventures of a straight female attempting to find a straight male to date online. And I know Tumblr well enough that at least half the people who read this will have yet another reason to be proud of their not straight orientation. Because good fucking lord the nonsense I’ve seen.

Storytime begins below the cut. This isn’t going to be short. That’s your warning. It will probably be funny at some points though. It’s funny to live it, at least. And I may break it into parts, Idk yet.

Let’s get a few things out of the way first.

Until this experiment, I’d never used dating apps ever. I knew of them. Hated them on principle (dislike them even more now, but we’ll get into that later) and wanted nothing to do with them. I knew a few people who were happily married to a Match.com or OKCupid match but aside from that – I’d never even downloaded Tinder like everyone else I knew in HS and college.

I haven’t actually dated anyone since my first semester of college. On purpose. I broke off my engagement to my elementary school sweetheart (thankfully we are still good friends and our friendship recovered from that near disaster) and I just wanted to focus on myself for a while.

The small handful of relationships I have had that lasted longer than 6 months taught me a lot about what I want in my ideal mate. The one or two less-than-6-months-barely-relationships I had in high school taught me A LOT about what I will never put up with from people.

My “type” isn’t reflective of my dating history. I’ve gotten to the point with these apps where I’m combining their shallow-indorsing metrics with my own personal preferences. Basically going through an aesthetic checklist then scanning through their profile to see if the actual person is equally pretty.

Spoiler, I have to swipe left A LOT.

I’m a very particular person. I’m very introverted and I hate when someone makes conversation harder than it has to be. I can hold a conversation. I just refuse to be the only one putting effort into it. (This makes more sense later)

I’m beyond fed up with dating app culture but my perfect or close enough to perfect guy has gotta exist so most of my accounts will remain I fucking guess.

I’m not necessarily looking for Mr. Forever. I’ll gladly keep him if I find him, but I’m also not looking for a relationship that I know will be temporary. I don’t do things by halves. I want something solid, whether it lasts forever or not depends on a lot of things.

I CAN’T EMOTIONALLY MULTITASK. I can really only give one person my full interest and attention at a time, which doesn’t bode well for these apps bc you gotta be able to bounce form one to the next no matter how excited you were about someone. These apps fucking suck.

Okay. Now let’s begin properly.

I started with Bumble. Yes. I know. Introverted female starting on a dating app that requires her to make the first move. That can’t go badly right.

I damn near have a panic attack every time I get a match I stg. Anyway.

I was skeptical at first. I’m not huge on people knowing a lot about me from the outset (or I wasn’t - i give so much less of a fuck now bc it makes almost no difference on these things) so my profile was pretty threadbare and cold. Now, a few weeks later, my profile is an efficient snapshot with a splash of Slytherin “Don’t fucking test me.”

Did I mention I’m an INTJ Scorpio? Yeah my entire approach is gonna scream that and my Hogwarts house, just you wait.

Round 1 ~ Bumble 🐝🍯

Okay so Bumble is interesting. For those who don’t know, it’s basically Beehive-Themed Tinder except for heterosexual couples, the lady has to initiate conversation. (Either party in a same sex match can message first) She has 24 hours from the point where her and a fella have “matched” to do so, then he has 24 hours to respond and seal the match – ending the time limits.

Bumble also gives you a rough estimate of how far away someone is sometimes. I’ve read articles about how bumble’s location estimate feature has ruined relationships forged through bumble and generally turned women into paranoid psychos over matches. Can. Fucking. Confirm. It’s the most annoying thing ever. Why?

Android vs Apple. That’s literally why.

The way Bumble’s location service is supposed to work is that everytime you open the app, it updates your location based on your phone or computer’s location. As far as I can tell, that’s exactly how it works on my android phone.

Apple users. Y’all are a problem. Not because I give a shit about your iPhone, I don’t give a shit do you ffs, but IOS location permissions can allow apps to update your location without the app being open.

Reread that for me.

Without. The app. Being. Open.

Which basically means if you match checks your profile, they can tell whether you’re where you were when they swiped right (say, 26 miles away) versus, oh idfk, a whole state or two away.

Real specific example I know. Why? Because I ended up unmatching a guy I REALLY wanted to get to know better because of it.

Though, to be fair, guys are really lax about how they behave on these apps in my opinion, which is a bigger problem than the stupid IOS setting.

Allow me to explain.

Dating App Etiquette 

It barely exists, but it should. Here’s the thing. On these apps, you basically swipe right on a pretty face and left on one you’re not interested in waking up to in the morning or sitting on. I’m only being half funny here. I’m convinced people use dating apps more for hookups than their intended purpose. Which, whatever, but for fuck’s sake make BumbleHookup. There’s BumbleDating, DumbleFriends, and BumbleNetwork or whatever. Just make BumbleDTF so we can filter these people out already.

BACK TO THE SINFULLY ATTRACTIVE AND INTERESTING DUDE I UNMATCHED

I’m still kinda peeved about this. In part at myself, but also just in general.

Most people seem to treat Bumble like Tinder. They don’t fill out their profile hardly at all. Have less than 3 pictures, have pictures that make it unclear who’s profile it is, or – my least favorite thing that is almost 100% regional – THEY REALLY FUCKING THINK A PICTURE OF THEM IN SUNGLASSES HOLDING A FUCKING FISH THEY JUST CAUGHT IS ATTRACTIVE. IT IS NOT. THAT’S NOT WHAT THE PICTURES ARE FOR. JUST SAY YOU LIKE TO FISH IN YOUR FUCKING PROFILE BECAUSE IF I HAVE TO LOOK AT ONE MORE MOTHER FUCKING FISH-

I’ve seen a lot of fish in the last few weeks. Like. So many that I’m basically auto swiping left if someone’s profile has less than 4 pictures and one or more contains a stupid fucking fish.

LOOK AT MY FUCKING USERNAME. LITTLEMULATTOKITTEN. IF A SELF-IDENTIFYING CAT TRAPPED IN A HUMANS BODY SAYS THERE’S TOO MANY FUCKING FISH – THERE ARE TOO MANY MOTHER FUCKING FISH.

I can guarantee this won’t be my last fish rant. You don’t understand how many fucking fish I’ve seen.

BUT THIS GUY DIDN’T HAVE ANY FISH IN HIS PROFILE.

So he already had my fucking attention. He was also startlingly handsome – not in a oh you exist off puss and nothing else there’s no other way someone as pretty as you with a penis could exist – but like “Oh. I’d…really like to look at that forever and sit on it if you’ll let me please.”

NOT ONLY DID I FIND HIM THAT ATTRACTIVE BUT HE SWIPED RIGHT ON ME TOO AND READ ENOUGH OF MY PROFILE TO ASK ME A QUESTION FROM THE LOWER HALF OF IT.

I was freaking the fuck out excited.

And frankly the odds of him seeing this are so fucking low that I’ll go ahead and tell you some specifics about the short convo we had, but nothing that could lead anyone back to him obviously.

He’d lived in my home state. First thing he asked was which city I was from. Then he guessed, claiming that guess was based off a beanie I was wearing in my second to last (I think) image available on my profile.

He’d lived in my home CITY. Which means he was familiar with the CULTURE. And would probably GET ME MORE THAN MOST GUYS IN MY AREA.

He worked in an industry/field I knew about and had almost gone into myself.

He was so fucking attractive. I have yet to come across someone who checked ever preliminary shallow box on my want list.

Biceps. Listen. We’re all a little shallow. Biceps do to me what ass and tiddy do to some guys. It’s one of the few really fucking strong visual things I have, followed by dark hair and blue eyes. But he was something of a gym rat, for sure, and I’d gladly torture myself at the gym if that man was going to be in my line of sight at all during the process.

Seriously. I’ve never seen someone who didn’t look like they had to be famous or an alien that made me go “He’s so pretty I want to cry.” EVER. I WANT TO CRY THINKING ABOUT IT BECAUSE WE’RE NOT MATCHED ANYMORE.

And last but not least – like almost every fucking match I’ve ever made, I could count his replies on one hand before he went radio silent.

So, how does this relate to that location issue, you may ask.

Because I didn’t fucking know that Bumble could update your location on some devices without you opening the app.

There’s no online/activity indicator for Bumble except their location updating. Which, when you’re really excited to get to know someone and they suddenly vanish, but they’re more likely than not still online, you might start to feel like you’ve been put on hold.

Life stuff, yes, makes sense, I get it. But these apps have push notifications (which can be buggy) and if you’ve matched with someone, odds are you’re interested enough to check back on occasion (unless you aren’t). So it quickly became a worry game.

Because, like I said, I can’t just say “I’m excited about you, but I’ll keep browsing”. I don’t work that way. Unless I’m not excited about someone, then yeah I’ll keep scatter-shotting. But if I’m not excited to get to know someone why the fuck would I swipe right.

Anyway. After a few days of silence, I was disappointed and getting bitter and the few proverbial bones I’d thrown him had gone unanswered. I knew I was overthinking it and letting my own insecurities get to me a bit, but at the end of the day, there’s a few general courtesies that should exist in online dating culture that don’t.

Why people are afraid or hesitant to say they’re too busy to respond much in their profiles is beyond me. Some guys have the right idea announcing that they’re bad at checking the app and offering their snapchat or telling matches to ask for it.

But even if you’re testing the waters with another match, we’re all on this app for the same fucking reason. Say so. I’m not the kind of person who will need to, because I don’t operate that way on these apps, but I would. Because if that person is really bothered by you finding out if you’re more compatible with someone you matched with prior to them, that tells you something about them.

Would I have been disappointed if that had been the case with this guy? Yeah, kinda. I probably would have felt like his second choice at best, even if he’d come back to chatting with me. But that’s how these fucking apps are designed. Buckle up or unmatch. Fuck your emotions and self-esteem.

I unmatched for my sanity, because that happened a few days into this whole experiment and I wasn’t on any other sites yet. I wasn’t really prepared to deal with this whole thing yet and I didn’t know what to expect. I felt like shit and decided that if he showed up in my feed again, maybe I’d super swipe him (paid extra special right swipe that tells them you REALLY like their face and whatever) but I still don’t know what I’ll do if he does. 

Lowkey hoping it was all a misunderstanding and whatever but like, not at all holding out for that because what are the fucking odds.

And again, my disappointment stems mostly from the fact that I was really excited to get to know him. The idea of finding someone on this stupid app in less than a week who wasn’t forcing his fish pictures in my face, would absolutely be the type of person to encourage my own wellness goals, and who was obviously smart because of his career path, was such an exciting thought. If we’d hit it off and gotten along really well, I’d have been so many levels of shocked and overwhelmingly happy that I just don’t know what I’d do.

When someone who looks like they’re 100% your type actually reads your profile and swipes right – you get excited. I was really excited. I’m still a little sad/disappointed, but I’m basically over it.

Other Misc. Things I’ve Learned On Bumble and other Dating Apps As a Relationship Seeking User

Take every profile with a grain of salt unless it’s so blatantly straightforward. And then still toss a pinch in.

The pretty pretty pretty buff boys who look like their players but their profiles claim they want a relationship? Odds are still players. They will try to convince you there’s 10 inches in their pants. They clearly aren’t smart enough to know that’s biologically uncomfortable for females and the best way to end up in the emergency room with a ruined cervix so don’t even swipe right. They’ll just ask for nudes.

People who use dating sites have some odd, hive mind fixation with The Office.

“Jim looking for his Pam” is in most profiles. I’m not sure why. References to The Office or mentions of The Office are about as common as all the stupid fucking fish.

I live in the wrong part of the country to find guys I’m actually going to share interests with. Just wait until I tell you about my experience so far on OK Cupid. I literally won’t find anyone where I live unless they’re from somewhere culturally similar to where I was born and are willing to move back with me. Because I am not fucking staying in the land of the god damn fish forever.

Most people don’t look at religion and politics like I do. Which is “You do you, I’ll do me, we won’t talk about it and we can peacefully do each other.” I don’t fucking care if your politics contradict mine if that’s the only thing we have not in common. Just make it a blacklisted subject and don’t let one frankly insignificant difference of opinion ruin an entire relationship or potential relationship. And same with religion. I’m not even a little religious. I don’t care if my future husband is unless it’s in my face constantly, he tries to “convert me”, get me to go to church with him, or some other blatant disrespect of my own religious standing. You worship whatever you want. I’ll right fanfiction about magic demon princes fucking their human-born demon queen every which way to Sunday. If religion is that big of a fucking deal for you, be upfront about it. Most people are in their bios. Either way, I’m really fucking sick of people who put too much weight into these two things like they actually decide how compatible you are with someone unless you let them.

I fucking hate fish.

Dating apps need more filters and ways to narrow down searches. 90% of the filters already present are shallow as all hell. What’s a few more.

Primarily let me filter out a few NAMES. This sounds super picky, but I have a really big family. 7 uncles. Over 20 cousins including the few cousins of mine who have kids. There’s a few names that would just be weird and awkward for me to associate with a significant other. If I could filter out my stepdad’s first name (which is disgustingly common but still), my biological father’s name, and a few of my uncle’s names, that’d be fucking swell. You already let me filter by religion and race. Let me filter out some fucking names damnit.

And there have to be people who have traumatic associations with names too like?????

The Office is a funny, good show and all but WHY IS EVERYONE ON THESE APPS FUCKING OBSESSED WITH IT THE WAY I’M OBSESSED WITH HARRY POTTER. I’VE SEEN IT. IT’S NOT **THAT** FUCKING FUNNY. SOMEONE EXPLAIN.

YOU HOLDING A DEAD FISH ISN’T FUCKING ATTRACTIVE SIR. THIS ISN’T THE SHAPE OF WATER. SHOW ME YOUR FACE NOT YOUR FISH.

The dating apps that are probably actually worth using all require a paid subscription.

There’s no real way to advertise that you find sex and physical intimacy very important in a relationship without making yourself sound like a cock-thirsty whore. Not that there’s anything wrong with it, you do you, but I’m looking for someone to be a slut FOR, I’m not one already and I dislike not being able to be upfront about that without being profiled or attracting fuckboys.

WHY CAN I NOT FILTER OUT PROFILES THAT CONTAIN IMAGES OF FISH

STOP WITH THE FUCKING FISH COUNTRY BOYS. ARE YOU LOOKING FOR A GIRLFRIEND OR SOMEONE TO KEEP TRACK OF YOUR TACKLEBOX? AND DON’T TELL ME THAT’S THE SAME THING, MY FAMILY IS COUNTRY. IT AIN’T THE SAME FUCKING THING. ALL THAT FISH TELLS ME IS THAT YOU’RE PROBABLY COMPENSATING FOR SOMETHING.

Judging by the few fish-fucks with their profiles filled out at all – they’re compensating for personality.

With how shallow the filters on these sites are, just go ahead and fucking add eye color, hair, etc. Seriously. If you’re gonna let me be shallow enough to only pick men of a certain ethnicity, and religion, you may as fucking well let me see if I can find a guy with blue eyes, biceps, dark hair, non religious, who doesn’t want kids without reading every fucking profile I come across.

There are way more guys on these sites who want or think they want children some day. This baffles me. But then again my primary reason for not wanting children is pregnancy and giving birth which wouldn’t be their problem so of course they want them.

I just need to auto left-swipe if I see a fish. These apps are shallow anyway. Do not make a fucking fishing joke just because I said shallow.

OK Cupid has a better matching system than Bumble and such, but it’s still irritating as all hell. You can’t choose question categories that are more important. So if I see a 91% match, but he has no sex questions filled out or our sexual compatibility is like…50%...that’s not REALLY a 91% match for me. Let me mark 2 or 3 question categories as priority for fucks sake.

The bulk of guys on these apps fall into 2 categories (for me anyway) – Not enough giveadamn to explain their presence on the site & thank u, next.

Online dating is disappointing as fuck.

I’m seriously going to lose my mind if I can’t get away from the fucking fish pictures. ENOUGH. I GET IT. I NEED TO MOVE.

Seriously – I. Need. To. Move. Back. Home. I am not meant for this part of the country. These good ole boys are meant for someone but it ain’t me and my family is fucking country. I’ve been fishing, ridden 4-wheelers, made shit out of wood for shits and giggles, helped my grandparents in the garden, eaten deer my grandfather or uncles hunted and prepared, helped chop wood, ridden in the bed of a truck, etc etc etc. But ya bitch has lifestyle goals that only include mud at scheduled times. We can go camping, but we should also go out to dinner sometimes and go clubbing or dancing other times.

I was not born with this ass to settle for a man who looks like an angel and acts like one too. Why is no one non-ironically blunt about their sexual preferences?  You cannot convince me that the majority of men lack strong opinions on this subject. SERIOUSLY. IT IS 2019 NOT 1619. God DAMNIT. You’re on a DATING SITE. THAT’S AN ASPECT OF RELATIONSHIPS THAT CAN MAKE OR BREAK THEM. BE STRAIGHTFORWARD.

It’s not even actually about sharing every interest. I don’t give a shit if he doesn’t like Harry Potter much. If he’s annoyed by the level I like it, yeah that’s an issue. Otherwise, be supportive and kind about that kinda shit. That’s all I’m asking for. That’s how I am in return.

I make shit with yarn, write off the wall fanfiction, have a lot of sexual interests I don’t usually broadcast, and don’t understand how dating sites are still this ineffective in 2019.

This is super long already so I’m gonna save the other apps for a separate installment if this one is enjoyed or whatever. Jesus. These apps, guys.

Apps I still need to talk about that probably won’t require this many words each – Hinge, Coffee Meets Bagel, OkCupid (OkC might need a few thousand words).

I’ll probably look into some other niche dating sites too because at this point, what the fuck ever - I just wanna meet someone back home or willing to move back home with me who fits some reasonable criteria parameters. And I’m not even as picky as half the profiles I’ve seen, lemme tell ya. I’m just fucking opinionated. And beyond sick of this experiment already.

Sigh.

If I ever see a fish again it’ll be too soon. Bet the first profile picture on my bumble dash later will be another fucking fish though.

Those who expressed interest: @accio-echo  |  @infallibleangel  | @aconitumluparia  and those who liked are my followers so you’ll see it. This post is so long my browser is bugging out with tags or I’d tag you all too.

[leocheg]

Okay, harringrove hit me like a train, and now it’s just my naked bones rattling all over the railway.

I’m seriously so torn. I feel sick just thinking about watching season 3 for the very possible pain of it all, you know, Steve getting assigned a new gf, Billy getting killed off, all the antis shitposting under my sweet sweet otp’s tag...

On the other hand, I really want to believe the Duffers are trolling with all that “ohh a textbook enigmatic alt chickkkk! Billy’s just a dumb villainnnn, it’s gonna get worssssse! Everybody who you love from season 1 will DIEEEE!” Is this show really supposed to be that shallow? Does it really need that cheap hype? Frankly speaking, I don’t know what I expect from a Netflix tv pop show. I just hoped that the series made for geeks by geeks would somehow go deeper than “a human villain” esp since that “villain” is a 17 yo with daddy issues, and honestly making a piece of irredeemable trash out of a troubled teen (srsly he didn’t even have a knife or anything on him) is a total dick move on behalf of everyone responsible.

Now it’s time for me to explain why Billy isn’t deserving of all the crap he’s been given by the fandom. And okay, okay, I won’t put I JUST LOVE MAH BAYBEEEEHHHH all over the list.

First of all, I suggest to take a step back and take in the starting point. Billy’s a 17 yo guy, with an okay(ish?) step-mom, his actual mom being most probably dead (I’m not sure but I feel in the US it’s more common for women to get custody after divorce?) and a dad who gives Billy constant shit over the smallest things. Let’s not forget two more things: this 17 yo is supposed to be responsible for a 13 yo (dunno about you, I’d be super pissed off, because girls this age can give you HELL, boys give you HELL a bit later), and for whatever fuck up they both committed he’s exiled from his home place which means no memory of his mom apart from that little thing he always wears on that chain (is that just my hc tho?), no friends, no possible family like caring aunts-uncles-nanas-grandpas, no voice in the family. As I see the situation judging from those little snippets we gather from the conversations, Billy could have fucked up looking after Max, probably big time, probably it had smth to do with Susan’s ex and Max’s dad, so Neil had them packing and moving across the whole country. I just wonder how bad could that fuck up have been that Billy got guilt-tripped so badly he wasn’t able to say no and stay in Cali somehow? HE’S CRAZY LIKE THAT ANTIS HUH? It’s also not a thing a caring parent would do out of the blue, Billy had only a year before graduation. I believe Neil to love his son and care for his future, fight me. BUT. When you are a responsible parent with some skill for communication and actually understanding what you’re doing and that there’s an independent individual in front of you, not an abstract child like whatever that word even means apart from age, you don’t hit them, you don’t shout, you don’t impose. My point being that Neil is freaking out. He’s got two teens on his hands, you gotta be strict not to let them go crazy rebellious, right? He’s desperate to keep his son in line, denying everything he really is at the moment. What is he though? Well, a super lonely teen who wants his dad to be proud of him. I think he tries really hard to follow that “respect and responsibility” mantra: gives Max a lift no problem, tries to come to terms that they are family now, tries to protect her. Which brings me to the question of racism, and no, I don’t think he’s racist at all. I don’t think he cares, he’s got a lot going on already.What he cares about is agitated Max. Remember the way she left the arcade? All confused, angry, bewildered. Billy just was being protective the way his practically non-existent emotional intellect allowed him. Probably he knew there would be a shitstorm coming if Neil found out. I don’t think young girls are allowed bfs in his household. That’s the vibe I got there, fellas.

Why is Billy so lonely though? Just look at that guy, he’s got everything: the face, the ass, the style, the charm, the smile, the wit. He’s unapologetically confident and knows how to get what he wants, so being alone and not making any friends seems to be a choice of his own. Mainly because he’s super pissed about everything. I mean he really has no chill when it comes to emotions, they control him. Moreover, he doesn’t plan on staying longer than is absolutely necessary, so why try. As for a gf, he’s not that into girls, which could be for several reason (my hc is him being gay, no surprises here lol). I think he’s actually a virgin. We see him with a girl once, he didn’t seem nice or caring or at least a little bit amused, so probably that was out of sheer bore. Nothing to do other than date or keg-drink in a small town, huh, Billy boy? Third, and don’t hit me yet, he’s kind of a nerd himself. And here I have to say thanks to a very devoted lady who brought to my attention two details about Billy’s room one of them being a poster for the first Metallica album which only few ppl liked as much (nerds!), and another one being James Thurber’s autobiography Billy had on his table. How’s that for your typical basketball bully Cali boy reading? Nerd! So he’s a bit too picky about all this friends and connections thing. Also I’d like to point out that Max actually found her a whole party of friends, I think that could make Billy kinda jelous? Before that it felt they were in the same boat, sort of a team? In the first scene they appeared I honestly thought they were this cool bro-sis pair fully armed to take on Hawkins ready or not.

So. I feel for my boy. He’s just a lonely kid with daddy issues and zero anger control.

To be continued, cuz there’s also my precious mama teddy bear Steve.

[princess-of-embarrassment]

Some 3 am realizations about life, relationships and maybe more?? idk whatever have fun.

Ok before i start on this shit I am going to say it is 3 am and i am just dumping some thoughts like i usually do. Sorry for the shit grammar, disorganized thoughts and all that jazz... In a sense i feel like this is a letter to myself and what i have been trying so damn hard to understand so yeah i am talking to myself and to this website. I think. Idk. i will probably delete this in the morning when i am back on bad bitch mode and go back to posting memes pero por ahora vamos a ver como nos va. Mayb ei will leave it up bc i forget or because i dont care who sees it. sorry for the shitshow of a post you are about to read but you probably already kinda know me so yay! I debated posting this shit because the internet is a wildin place but oh well!!1!!11

ok tumblr it is 3 in the morning and i have 100% regressed into being a 15 years old on this damn website shitposting and reblogging some corny ass posts but it feels right, so here i am attempting to process it through the only form i know how to actually know how to cope with things. I mean memes are cool and all but lets be real, they don’t address the problems. this is the one place i can brain dump all of my thoughts and not really care about where they go because they will eventually disappear in the tumblr algorithm.

My old blog was often the only separation I had between my reality and the life i really wished i had, but now I have that life that I always wanted so why the hell am i back at square one? To be fair, the life that i have right now may not be envied by many but its a pretty darn good life to me. Im safe 99.9% of the time. The other .1% is a story for another day. I have been trying to figure out for months as to why i’m back to being so active on here and now that it’s 3:00am I realize it’s because of self isolation (thanks corona!). 

Let me start off by saying this; my reality is not something I am going to be able to escape. Ever. It has brought me to where i am today, allowed me to meet some really incredible people and i am so so grateful. I have learned so much in the past few years. i am grateful what happened happened. Wild, i know. I escaped it physically but i cannot escape it mentally, at least for now. School, work, writing, dealing with my freshmen’s problems was what kept my brain occupied and away from having to face the part of my life that I really just want to forget. To be fait my trauma response has taken pretty good care of fucking up my memory and all of those fun things but ironically the things i want to forget about so badly are the things i think about every single day without skipping a beat. brains are weird like that.

I am ok now but sometimes i forget and fall back into my new reality. That is ok. People that know my story ask me why i don’t write about it on a public platform because it’s inspiring?? or hopeful?? or whatever cliche people want to use when addressing a topic that makes them uncomfortable and they want to feel better about the life they live. 21 year old latina girl faces adversity and lives the american dream (barely)..i mean, i did run a whole ass magazine and wrote a piece for graduation including some details of my story but that was like the rated g version with only the little sad parts that people are able to handle without feeling like their comfort zone is being violated. MEdia is a wonderful place isnt it???  so i get where they are coming from, but what they dont understand is that an international platform is not where i can share any of these thoughts... Listen, I know this is cryptic and confusing and you are probably really curious about what the hell happened to me but i don’t feel safe to type it out on international platforms with public access. I don’t know if i ever will... Yeah i can talk to people i trust about it because i am in control of the space and the situation and who is obtaining that information but you never really know with the internet. 

maybe in the future i’ll write a book on it. even then i will probably use my alias make it a YA fiction with an added love story that ends in a happy ending. Maybe one day one of the school girl crushes I have will turn into that YA story and i dont have to make any of it up.

If i am honest...this blog is the only safe place i will probably ever have where he wont find me. He can find my school and my address and phone number and work and everything in between because that is just the way things work. Yeah yeah i get it stop posting shit on social media that is how he finds you whatever. What people dont understand is that I cant stop living my life again. I already started so i cant go back to giving him that power. It makes no sense. Also, his family is too confused by all of the ups and downs of the last year that they dont really know where i am going or what i am doing. So anyways, long story short - That’s why i am back on here, because it has become the same written safe haven I had when i was 15 and tried to escape my physical reality. Only difference is that i am trying to manage the mental reality of it all...

I also have so many questions about what to do next. Like i mentioned in another post, i didnt think i would make it to 21 but i did. I didnt think this far ahead so i guess i will just figure it out along the way but hear me out. How do i face a new reality that no one can relate to. At least not the people around me. How do i make friends and know when the “right time” is to tell them hey btw if this happens lmk lol. Even more importantly (because it relates to my future as world famous YA novelist.. lol sure grace...) How do I even date someone??? many questions are tied to that. like... I know theyre going to ask. “what happened?” “who is it?” “how can i help?” “Isnt there something we can do?”. i am more than willing to answer these questions because fuck, if im dating someone i would be curious too.. but do i even answer those questions. How do i know they are ready to handle that kind of information? how can i guarantee theyre not going to leave. How can i know that they arent going to be frightened by what has happened. how do i know they are not going to think differently of me. How do i explain to this person “yeah i have stress nightmares about what happened and when i wake up i think i am back in that situation and not where i live and i have to remind myself i am in a whole different area code but then its fine lol so if we share a bed at any point in time dont be alarmed if i wake up in a panic.” or how do i explain to them when something triggers me and all i can do is freeze because maybe it is him. Maybe he finally found me. but then i am back to reality and move on with my day because that is the only thing left to do. I cant throw myself a shitty pity party thats generic as fuck and i dont have time for it but whatever. moving on. next question. How do i know theyre not gonna walk away because they have the misconception so many people have?? Just because i went through some shit doesnt mean i am unstable or unloveable or whatever bs people think. This isnt going to go away. This shit is a aprt of me but it doesn not define me. it is not who i am.I dont have the option to make it go away but people have the option to pick up their things and go. seems unfair to me sometimes. It seems unfair to generalize people like that. I am always open to a new relationship but people expect me to be sitting at home scared to go out into the world and live my life. I have a life to live and i am so ready to explore it by myself or with someone by my side but quarantine has brought me back on here to deal with the fact that i am back to being stuck inside. Mentally and physically. One sucks less than the other. 

I have so many other questions but i am feeling tired again and its almost 4am so maybe i should go to bed. Y’all dont know how happy i am to have this trash site to vent to in the middle of the night. theres some relly judgy people on here but at least i know my feed wont judge me or try to fix what has happened. it will just listen.

Anyways, i doubt anyone will read this because this post got long as fuck but if you did i give you a high five and a virtual hug for getting through the clusterfuck of sentences. Thanks tumblr. If i ever go viral again on this shitshow of a website i may have to bring back my studyblr and go underground lmfao jk maybe. I cant wait to hug my friends and the people i have met that have become a part of my daily routine (yes even during social isolation, get off my ass I am still socially isolating). All i can do for now is wait for someone who cares about me for me and isn’t scared of my past or the pieces of it that linger in my present. I deserve nothing less. if they cant do that they are not worth my time and i hope they drop their keys every single time they go to open their front door. oh... they also better be ready for the hours i spend typing away my thoughts on my computer. Maybe one day they will be allowed to read them too... lol maybe not. whatever who knows. Peace out kiddos stay healthy xoxo.

[maumeetsworld]

Welcome to your tape, bitch

Oh. My. God. This show is the perfect example of how I am actively ruining my life with the conscious decisions I make. I spent one week hate-watching it mainly because I wanted to understand the whole controversy around it contribute to all the shitposting happening on Tumblr. So there I was, sitting on my couch, ready for some Netflix & Chill - the real kind, not the Grindr-enabled one - and then I heard Hannah Baker's voice, which led me to the following point:

1. How conceited is this girl?

I knew this was shit the moment I heard her saying she wasn't going to send her victimizers a podcast because she wouldn't make it that easy for them, so instead she sent them plain old cassettes. Bitch, seriously? You're dead, whatever makes you think that people who dgaf about you when you were alive, will do it now just because you took the easy way out? Next time you want to guilt-trip your classmates from the grave, at least wait till after they've contacted you through a Ouija board.

And don't even get me started on her self-proclaimed moral superiority. She blames Jessica for her death because she slapped her, but then Hannah witnessed her being raped and that didn't ring a bell on how shitty a person she was too? Like, please, you would have gotten a million tapes yourself had anyone else come up with the same stupid idea.

This brings me to the second point.

2. She was not alone

This show would have been remotely less annoying if Hannah had actually been isolated. In fact, they tried to go there by having her say how lonely, unpopular, and disliked she was, and how everyone was just trying to get her. Except they were not. In fact she made a fuckload of friends throughout the series. She was dating the jocks, experimenting with the Queen Bee, being all deep and intellectual with the gay guy, going to parties at the cheerleader's house, friendzoning the hot geek, and even having her own little version of The Breakfast Club with an Eminem wannabe.

And yet you're telling me that she was unpopular and nobody liked her? Yeah, OK, next.

3. Her reasons to kill herself are ridiculous

Somebody stole the drawing that some anon left in your compliment box? Heartbreaking. Was that a reason to kill yourself? Of course not! Well, on a second thought, maybe the fact that she went to a school where they had compliment boxes was.

Seriously, what were the writers thinking when they were working on this script? Did nobody think that this was stupid af? Suicide is never justifiable, but fuck, if you're going to do it, at least come up with a decent reason. Don't slit your wrists open over someone reading your anonymous poem in class, which, by the way, nobody even knew was you. There's a fine line between crying for help and stirring up drama just for the sake of it. Hannah Baker mostly dwelt in the latter.

4. None of this would have happened if she had not been actively looking for drama

Hannah was upset because the high school jock shared a pic of her undies. He then told the whole school that she was an easy lay. Outrageous. Then one of his friends tried to pull a Donald Trump on her (and grab her by the pussy) because, you know, the high school jock said she was easy, remember? All of that I get.

What I don't get is why over the course of the series she continued interacting with him and everyone else who was mean to her - according to her delusional ass, anyway - and even getting in a hot tub with them. I'm sorry, but that's not the behavior of someone who's deeply hurt and desperate for things to improve. That's the behavior of someone asking for it. No, I don't mean rape. Rape is never justifiable. I mean drama. She was asking for drama and if she didn't t get  it, she would create it.

5. The rape aftermath

OK, fine, the whole rape situation was not cool. Yet her blaming the counselor is what really pissed me off. Hannah, being the dumb ass teen that she is was, wanted justice - which I totally get. What I don't get is why the fuck would she even bother to go and make a scene at the counselor's office and then throw a bitch fit at him when he told her that she needed to move on? Yes, that is a shitty answer, but what was she expecting? He was a fucking counselor for fuck's sake, not Professor Xavier. He couldn't read your mind, girl. If you she truly wanted him to help, then she should have spoken up and spilled the tea on Bryce. Oh, no. instead she went crazy and stormed out of the room ready to do the job, but not before standing outside of the counselor's office hoping he would run after her.

The hell you think you are, Hannah? Cinderella? Who'd want to run behind a crazy, borderline psychotic teen with an attitude problem?

6. The Latin classmate

I'm not done hating on Hannah, but this guy got me raging almost as much as she did. Everything from his crappy personality to his outfit was just terrible, but the real mystery is what he even had to do with Hannah, and why the fuck does he pretend to be all wise and mighty? First of all, if he was that wise, he would have stopped dressing like Danny Zuko.

Also, let me get this straight: Hannah kills herself because in the end she has no friends, yet she entrusted this guy to see her tapes through till they reached the 13th person? Ahem, is this a plothole or just plain stupid writing? I wanted to vomit every time Pedro - whatever, I'm Mexican - would show up just to act all shady and remind pretty much everyone around - mainly Clay, Clay, Clay, and Clay - that they had all killed Hannah.

Hoe, no. Someone friendly enough to give her a ride home when she was pissed drunk didn't kill her, she killed herself. Well, rather the razor blades that she stole from her bankrupt parents' pharmacy did, but those are just details. Also, if Carlos - whatever, I'm Mexican - was such a good friend and concerned about everything that had happened to her, he wouldn't be dropping cryptic af messages, he would have taken the tapes to the police and let them deal with the jock. But no, of course he didn't do that because that would have required a writer to stop mixing vodka and Xanax and realize the show they were producing. No, instead he took the least sporty-looking character rock climbing because that's just how he rolls.

7. Clay

So the guy went from being the wallflower to taking justice into his own hands? What's his name again? Batman? I still don't understand how he's supposed to be all smart and yet not once, not even for a single second, does he stop and think that maybe, just maybe it's better to tell his parents, or any other grown up in fact, about what's happening and about how every other person wants to axe him. Like, I get it, you're angry, you're hurting, but you know what hurts more? That gap on your forehead, you know, the one you got after a car hit you?

Like, didn't anyone notice it? Am I the only one who can see it? Cos, girl, it's so big it makes the gender gap in the workplace look narrower in comparison. Go get stitches, like, now.

8. Where the hell are all the parents?

Underage drinking, tattoos, drugs, reckless driving, guns, teens with huge af scars all over their faces, like, where the fuck are all the grown ups? Are you trying to tell me that not even one adult noticed any of this? For fuck's sake, Clay's scar is putrid and so is half his face now, he's dying of an untreated infection!

9. The fandom

I cannot even begin to explain how annoyed I am at the people who think this is an accurate reflection of the suffering that many of them have gone through. You're wrong, and I don't feel bad saying it. Hannah had multiple opportunities to save herself if she had not acted stupid, dared to speak, and or seek help. She had loving parents, a hot geek ready to jump her, and apparently she was the best of friends with Jorge - whatever, I'm Mexican. No, if she killed herself was because she was starving for attention. She wanted to guilt-trip everyone and make them feel as shitty as they had made her felt except, guess what? She's not there to witness it.

10. The message

That's my issue with this whole fucking series. It plays with the idea of suicide in an almost hedonistic way, it's almost as if they wanted us to picture Hannah Baker laughing in Heaven - or rather in Hell cos she killed herself, obvi - at the sight of all these people suffering over her death and feeling remorseful the actions that led to it. Let me tell you something: Unless you become Casper, you will not get to see this.

To everyone thinking that suicide is as glamorous as 13 Reasons Why made it seen, it's not. You die and that's it. Sure, there will be people devastated by it - your parents - but that's it. There will be no Juan - whatever, I'm Mexican - sending tapes on your behalf or Clay growing a vagina in the middle of his forehead during his quest to uncover the truth. You'll be gone and that will be it.

In conclusion, 13 Reasons Why is a steamy pile of trash from start to finish and was clearly targeting all the dumb af teens who also thought that The Fault in our Stars is the epitome of modern literature. It's pretentious, it's boring, it's full of plotholes, and it will make you rage from start to finish. Needless to say, this is my opinion and that's about it. If you don't like it, well... Welcome to your tape, bitch.