#those goddamned pepperoni sticks.

[thesaucemanstrikesback]

Today was the first Christmas without my dad

I asked my mom to rip off the tags on his presents to me, but I could still tell which was his

The curiosity on my mom's face as I opened it and the unrecognized wrapping paper gave it away

And of course, the gifts.

I could tell it was from him because it didn't feel like it was for me. They didn't feel thoughtful, they weren't anything I could have been interested in.

Even if they were, they've been soiled by my father's inability to care.

Every gift from my mother felt like her noticing something I wanted or needed and getting for me.

Every gift from my father felt like him desperately trying to rekindle our "bond" by grasping onto and shopping for a vague memory of me.

But, thanks for the pepperoni sticks, Dada.

I guess you forgot I didn't like them.

[stuckonvenus]

𝐀𝐥𝐥 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐒𝐦𝐚𝐥𝐥 𝐓𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 » Ellie & Becca

 Ｊｕｌｙ ３１ｓｔ， １９９８

The saying goes as such: the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb... or whatever. Honestly I have only ever applied this proverb to my relationship with my sister whenever we weren’t in mortal peril. While I have plenty of friends and acquaintances who I’ve shared battlefields with (i.e. the morning after a party), that never made me any closer to them in a real crisis. I would say about seventy-five percent of the time that the blood is thicker than the water, and the remaining twenty-five percent is when the water isn’t necessarily thicker, but more pressurized. That’s the only time in our lives when we’ve ever come together as sisters.

Well, this is the twenty five percent, and never has the feeling of being sucked and trapped against a fissure at the bottom of the Challenger Deep been more realized than now. It doesn’t help that my bladder is about to implode and leak the citrus-flavored toxic waste I’ve consumed in rapid succession over the past half hour into my visceral fat and contaminate all my vital organs. 

I waddle awkwardly through the narrow doorway of Page One and slam my tiny palm onto the countertop. A bookkeeper who I can recognize as my lab partner from sophomore year chemistry pokes his nose out from the novel he’s immersed in. Moby Dick. Jesus, who reads school assigned books after graduation?

“Hey, Drew-Drew,” I greet him, a lopsided grin fitted on my lips as he brushes his hair out of his eyes and offers me a smile in return. He has a lot more charisma than I remember. I think his eyes have gotten bigger and bluer, too. It reminds me of the water’s surface I’m staring up at from the very bottom of the ocean. “Where’s Becky at?”

Drew dog-ears his page — which is kind of disgusting to me, do they not sell bookmarks in this busted ass joint? — and he points toward the graphic novel section. “Over there, we just got Spider-Man #76, she’s stocking up.”

“... Didn’t #76 come out in January? Of last year?” I ask him. He opens his mouth so he can answer but I stop him with a raised hand. “No time. You’re lookin’ good, Drew-Drew, considerably less like a delicious pepperoni pizza. Keep it up with the Oxy Pads.” I say before pushing away from the counter and venturing off to my destination.

Indeed, my older sister is crouched down and rustling with a display, slightly disgruntled by the symmetry of the copies of Spider-Man she’s stocking. I don’t really have any witty remarks as a smooth enough introduction, so I settle with, “Need help?”

She whips around and I can almost hear the crack in her spinal cord from the velocity. “Lily?” she half-whispers. I forget that I haven’t seen her since late May, and also that I swore I’d never see her again.

“In the flesh,” I confirm and do a curtsey, which threatens my full bladder. I really need to piss soon or else I’ll die a terribly death in the shittiest bookstore on the eastern seaboard. “Do you have a sec? It’s 9-1-1.”

Becca’s expression shifts from awe and minor annoyance to something resembling concern as she pushes herself off her knees. “What is it?” she asks me, crossing her arms over her chest as a last resort defense mechanism. 

I don’t hesitate to hold up the plastic Walgreens bag I’ve carted with me for two blocks. She recognizes the items inside and her eyes go all moony and her jaw slacks a bit. I jerk my brows up expectantly and she assumes the position of utter bewilderment.

“Do you have a place I can empty the biohazardous contents of my bladder? It’s about to necrotize,” I hiss at her. She reaches down, digs in her pocket, unearths a bronze key and walks ahead of me at full speed. I have to waddle after her like a newly hatched penguin chick. It would be more humiliating if over half the population of Eden were literate, but alas...

Becca jams the keys into the lock and just about bodychecks the door so we can enter the rectangular bathroom. It’s cramped and the lighting resembles something out of a Hitchcock film, but who the fuck am I to be picky about where I take the most important whizz of my life?

I place the bag on the counter and take out the three empty full-sized cans of Surge I used to fuel my bladder before picking up the grossest thing I have ever held: a pregnancy test. I keep it in my grasp for a few passing beats, nearly crushing the box underneath my iron-tight grip before man-handling it open and tearing out the plastic stick that will determine my fate.

“This is by far the most unholy fortune telling experience ever,” I decide to joke as I witness my sister cower in the corner. You’d think by the looks of it she were the one whose life was about to change forever. “You think if I shake it a genie will come out and grant me three wishes?”

“... Only if it’s negative, as a gift,” Becca chimes in at last. “Otherwise not even God can save you.”

I let out an involuntary snort, because while my reflexes register this as a funny joke, I am actually scared shitless.

I stare at the porcelain toilet bowl. I feel sicker now looking at it than when I’ve genuinely been at risk for vomiting up my lunch. I could still do that, I’ve been puking like a bulimic for weeks now. The thought is almost comforting. Almost. I bite the bullet instead and yank my pants down, my boy pants, which I normally wear as a boy when I’ve got slightly wider hips and more junk to hide and taller legs to protect with denim fabric. Fuck me.

“I just... Hold it and piss, right?” I ask her, as if she’s gone through this before. I know for a fact she hasn’t, or else this wouldn’t be our first time. I’m surprised it’s our first time, actually, thinking that karma would’ve caught up with me a long time ago. 

“Just don’t get any on your hand.” Becca replies. Very helpful, I think, but rather than respond verbally I give a sigh of defeat and do what needs to be done. When my bladder is emptied an eternity later, I pull up my oversized pants and briefly grieve my dick before I place the test on the counter.

I glance over my shoulder at Becca, “It’s seasoned. Just gotta let it marinate.”

“Gross.” she says with a scrunched up nose.

I turn around and slide down the wall, an action she mimics a couple seconds later. I stare ahead, up at the light that’s screwed into a 70s pendant-shaped fixture, and pass the silence by making them flicker. I do this as a distraction from the materializing tension between us. Normally, this doesn’t happen, but then again our peril has only involved either extreme intoxication, pedos on AOL (during high school), or something about her and Gabriel’s arguments, which felt like walking through Reactor 4 in Chernobyl.

She’s the first one to say something.

“Whose is it? ... If it’s a thing,” she wonders, and as I look over at her I notice that her eyebrows are knitted together and her mouth is fixed downward. “... Please don’t tell me Topher’s.”

I chuckle at the idea. “I think if it were a thing and Topher’s, it’d have grown like a xenomorph baby and ripped itself out of my stomach by now,” I tell her. “I’d deserve that kind of karma for getting knocked up by him.”

“Xenomorph?” she says, and I open my mouth to offer an explanation before she finishes, “Alien. Right.”

“... Yeah, exactly,” I nod along. How in the hell did she remember that? We only ever sat through Alien and Aliens once, and I could’ve sworn she was too preoccupied reading a magazine to actually notice what was happening on screen. 

I also notice that she’s wearing my favorite striped turtleneck. Stone cold bitch.

Some things never change, huh?

Shit, I think I might cry.

This is why we’re siblings, I think, so I can hate her for wearing my favorite turtleneck while sitting by her side as we await Satan’s final decision on the state of my cursed uterus.

Tears prickle my vision but I blink them away. 

“Whose is it, then?” she wonders again. I visibly tense. This is probably where our unspoken, once-in-a-blue-moon loyalties end. How do you tell your sister that her ex-boyfriend is the reason you’re sitting in the dingy bathroom of her workplace with a piss-riddled stick inches away?

In the end, I don’t have to say anything at all. We look at each other simultaneously and she reads my expression with ease. Her features soften and I can see a glint of hurt in her eyes, and I expect ripples of betrayal to make themselves known across the rest of her body soon enough. But those ripples never come. The water I thought was loosening from around me doesn’t make a goddamn move. 

I’m still at the bottom of the Deep, but she’s with me now.

Her hand grips mine. Tight. I can feel our pulses match up in our paralleling wrists.

“I think it’s been enough time.” I say eventually. She doesn’t release my hand. Our shared warmth creates a comfortable friction between us. “... Will you hate me after this?”

Becca squeezes my hand. A heart beat jumps out from her touch to mine. “I think I’ve hated you enough for one summer.”

A smile flickers on the corner of my lips and I slowly depart my hand from hers. My palm is slick with sweat but I don’t mind. I stand up and feel my equilibrium struggle to steady itself before I’m ready to approach the counter. The test is still there, so I know this wasn’t an abstract fever dream I’ve had after discovering so much eerily similar history.

I’m not a fucking coward. I’m looking this shit straight on, no matter what. Do you think I’m afraid of a sign? Totally not. I lean over and stare down, my gaze idling at the base before finally fixating on the panel.

+

Holy shitstickers.

“... Becca?” I call out, my voice half gone from unknown forces. She perks up and I see her reflection in the mirror with widened eyes. “Do you have five bucks? I’m gonna need more Surge.”

[nat-roman0ff]

i. tuesday

a series of blurbs // a certain time and place

 i. tuesday

the one where they eat too much pizza, and swallow their feelings.

wc: 1,893

warnings: swearing, mentions of sex, bad writing, feasting.

------------------------

It’s quarter past seven when she finally gets to relax. It’s Tuesday, and Tuesdays at work always meant her boss screaming about something, pissy clients, and her snotty coworker making comments about whatever it goddamn was that she hated her for this week. The glimmer of Monday has worn off and it’s back to the same old, same old.

 Tuesdays weren’t always terrible, though. It’s warm and breezy today and the birds are chirping loud and high in the sky. There’s a distinct smell of summer in the air; it’s just on the cusp, as noted by the line of sweat collecting at her hairline as she tredges home. This Tuesday in particular, however, was exceptionally not terrible. Her sort of best friend, part time couch surfer (even though he had his own place), and sometimes lover, was home for a blip of time between his “rockstar” (even though he hated the word) lifestyle and normal life.

 Shawn’s an anomaly, she thinks. He’s a little bit of everything all mixed into one neurotic, passionate, sometimes self destructive mess of a boy. But whatever it is that he is to her, he’s a good one. That much she does know.

She’s practically limping by the time she reaches the front door of her apartment, cursing herself for deciding today was the day to break in new shoes. Her phone pings from her back pocket and it’s Shawn; be there in a few! He writes. She doesn’t bother to text back because if she doesn’t get these ever loving shoes off within the next five seconds, and a piece of pizza down her throat she might just burst.

 After changing from work clothes to something more comfortable, she settles on the couch with the box of pizza. She sighs a breath of relief when the first waft of pepperoni hits her nose, and grins sheepishly.

 “Honey, I’m home!” Shawn bursts through the door without so much as knocking.

 “Yo,” she deadpans, half a slice hanging out of her mouth.

 Shawn jumps over the back of the couch onto the empty cushion beside his girl, “how’s your Tuesday?”

 “Better, now that you’re here.”

 “Aw, shucks,” Shawn sighs, putting his head on her shoulder.

 She rolls her eyes, “I was talking to the pizza.”

 “In that case,” he plucks the remaining slice in her hand out and shoves it whole in his mouth, “delicious,” he mumbles through chews.

 “You’re an animal,” she mutters.

 “Only for you, baby,” he says, a string of mozzarella hanging on his chin.

 Her heart skips at the line. Baby; it quite literally means nothing in the context, but how she so fucking wished it meant more. She’s in love with him (of course). Believe it or not, the Shawn Mendes isn’t actually everyone’s cup of tea. Once you get past the great hair and sharp jawline and impossibly good smile he’s rather, well, weird. You can never really figure him out and she supposes that’s what brought the two of them together in the first place.

 When people ask how they met, neither of them can ever quite put their finger on it. She’d started seeing him at outings with friends of friends of friends. He was always there but never within reach. She knew who he was and what he did and it never really phased her, he was just always that dude she saw at the bar sometimes at whoever’s friend’s best friend’s boyfriend’s birthday party.

 It hadn’t been until a Halloween party about two years ago that left the two of them soberly stranded in a sea of plastered people in horribly unoriginal costumes. He was dressed as Julius Caesar (a giant homemade cardboard salad dressing bottle with a wreath crown on his head) and she was dressed as Cereal Killer. For all inquiring minds, yes it was just as dumb as it sounds.

 “Whatcha thinking about?” He interrupts, already finished with his second slice of pizza.

 “Nothing,” she says, shaking her head, “nothing except you better split this pizza with me evenly this time, Jackass.”

 Shawn scoffs, “I have been wasting away performing every night, I deserve at least two-thirds of this pizza.”

 He pays attention to the way she rolls her eyes at him. His chest warms; it’s such a simple, bratty, cynical act coming from her but somehow it’s theirs. He says something ridiculous and she just rolls those beautiful damn eyes and the outside world just ceases to exist for a tiny moment. Head over heels might be an understatement, and a cheesy one at that. He’s an entire goddamn mess for this girl.

 Shawn leans over and pecks a quick kiss on her cheek.

 “Ugh,” she groans, feigning disgust, “you got pizza grease on me.”

 He shrugs.

 “What was that for anyways?” She asks.

 Shawn shrugs again, “missed you, I guess. It’s been too long. Keep telling you that you need to come out on tour with me -”

 There’s a disconnect in his voice. He’s looking at her but not at her. His eyes scan every part of her face except her eyes. Shawn has issues feeling vulnerable. Which is rich coming from someone who performs in front of thousands of strangers nightly. But it’s different with her. He’s never been so terrified of a single person in his life, even after the time Eric Williams whooped his ass in the third grade.

 “Oh yes because I’m sure my boss would just love me taking off months at a time. And unpaid? What a dream! Let me send her my resignation email right now!” She quips sarcastically.

 The heat in Shawn’s chest cools a little as he settles back into reality. She’s here and you’re there and that’s the only way it’s ever going to be, he reminds himself.

 “But you hate your job!” He whines, “Just quit, we’ll find something for you to do on tour.”

 She groans, “and what am I supposed to do the rest of the time? Sit around and watch you get baked and play guitar?”

 “I can think of something,” Shawn raises an eyebrow and she knows what’s coming.

 In a swift move the pizza box is on the floor and he’s got her pinned underneath him, “Kiss me.”

 It’s barely a whisper and she knows how this ends every time. Every time they kiss or fool around or fuck or wake up in each other’s arms she hopes it’s different this time. That this time is the time he’ll feel that spark she feels every time he touches her skin.

 It’s a different feeling for him. It’s less of a spark and more of a flutter; a familiar nervousness in his belly that makes the unknown comforting, but the uncertainty of not knowing terrifying. Does that make sense? His head is such a chaotic string of everything and nothing at the same time with her and he doesn’t know what is up or down when he’s around her, all that he knows is he’s safe. The nerocies stay at bay just long enough to maybe believe she loves him back.

 “Now why would you go around wanting something like that?” She replies, cupping his cheek, running her thumb over the divet where a tiny scar etches into his skin.

 I want you, he thinks.

 “Horny, been a while,” he fumbles. It’s the same way out every time. Say something stupid but sarcastically enough that she knows you’re joking. It saves from having to admit to anything while simultaneously hinting that he wants to spend the whole night soaking her in.

 She rolls her eyes and Shawn’s chest starts to tingle, “you’re disgusting,” she grumbles, pushing on his chest, “and I have a pizza to finish.”

 “While I have total faith that you can finish that whole pizza yourself, do you remember what happened the last time you did that?” He tuts, sitting back up and letting her curl back into a ball on the other end of the couch.

 She shoves half the slice in her mouth, “you know, I was really thinking of adding additional assault to my insides by washing this down with a milkshake. You down?”

 He props his chin on his fist and tilts his head to the side, “I love when you talk bowel movements with me.”

 She boops the tip of his nose as the first drop of rain pangs against the living room window. There’s a rush of wind and then out of nowhere the sky just opens and it’s coming down in sheets onto the streets below them. The wind brings in a cool lick of humidity into the air. Shawn lets out a dramatic sigh and sprawls himself across her legs, resting his head in her lap.

 “Looks like I’m staying here tonight. I’ll probably need to borrow one of your shirts to sleep in,” he jokes, stroking her side, his fingertips grazing the hem of her tee shirt.

 “Just don’t stretch it out in the tits.”

 Shawn laughs, his face scrunched, “you’re ridiculous.”

 He mindlessly kisses her bare thigh, not realizing just how far her pajama shorts have ridden up.

 “I’m ridiculous? You own your own condo yet I can’t seem to ever get you out of my apartment. Do you ever actually sleep there?”

 “Sometimes,” he mumbles between kisses, “just prefer it here I suppose.”

 She stops chewing for a second, “it’s a 400 square foot walk up. You live in a luxury building. The roof has a damn pool for crying out loud.”

 “Don’t forget the fire pits and dog washing station,” he reminds, and she can feel his lips smirking against her skin.

 She flicks his ear, “maybe you should start spending more time in your own place.”

 Shawn pauses, “like...not together?”

 “Of course, together but...I don’t know. What do you like about here so much that you can’t get there?”

 You, he thinks.

 “I dunno,” he looks around desperate for anything to stick out. His heart races and he can feel that familiar anxious itch starting to burn his skin when he’s on the verge of saying too much.

 “This wall,” he points to the far wall across the room behind her bed, “I like the color of that wall.  Everything in my place is all white. Need some liveliness and color and whatnot.”

  She doesn’t buy it, “well Shawn, I’m really excited to introduce you to something called a Hardware Store. You can buy all the paint colors you want.”

 Shawn perks his head up, “will you help me do that?” He asks, tracing words he’ll never say out loud into her skin with the tips of his fingers.

 She swears she’s writes ‘I love you’ three times into her skin before she responds, “of course.”

 He nods and rests his head back onto her lap. Shawn’s eyes close when she threads her fingers through his hair. This is home, he thinks.

 She screams ‘I love you’ three times in her head so loudly it almost threatens to bubble out between her lips. It’s a loud thought, and she wonders if she shouts it loud enough through her head if maybe one day he’ll listen.

 She thinks someday, someday with a few hundred maybes thrown in she’ll be brave enough to say it out loud. But that day isn’t Tuesday.

------------------------

hiiii hi hello! this is my first time writing shawn, i have about 8 years worth of terrible one direction fanfiction behind me so i thought why not start something new!

please let me know what you think! i’ve started it as sort of a blurb series with more to come, you can check all the upcoming titles on my masterlist! (linked on the sidebar).

[soundslikenerds-blog]

I Need to Talk About “Avengers: Endgame”

WARNING: THIS WILL BE VERY SPOILER-Y!

PLEASE, IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE MOVIE, DO NOT READ THE SPOILERS!

IT’S SO HARD TO STAY AWAY WHEN YOU’RE CURIOUS AS HELL, BUT PLEASE DON’T LOOK AT THESE SPOILERS IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE MOVIE!

SPOILERS WILL BE BELOW THE CUT, SO IF YOU DON’T TURN AWAY NOW, I CAN’T BE RESPONSIBLE FOR THE SPOILERS YOU WILL SEE!

THIS IS YOUR LAST CHANCE!

OK!

I have an actual metric fuckton of stuff to say about this movie-too much, really. I won’t be able to hold it together for even a part of it, since I cried like a baby throughout 90% of this movie. I have a lot of words and a lot of emotions. Walking into this movie, I had a lot of theories. Some of them were true, and others were not. Some of them, I wished I had been wrong about. I steered clear of all spoilers, dropping off the face of the world once I heard that a leak happened, and I’m somewhat relieved that I can be back. It’s not gonna be the same, though. Never.

I’ve only seen the movie three times so far (I had to edit this twice while writing this reaction, ngl), so I’m definitely still missing some shit. I just haven’t been able to keep myself collected for long enough to write it all. I’m definitely going to see it again tomorrow, which is like opening a gaping wound and pouring salt, vinegar, alcohol, and tears into it. Why do I do this?

So, here it goes. It won’t be in order, but I’m just writing it down as it comes back to me (while listening to the Avengers Theme because I need to cry for a bit longer, I guess).

I was a bit upset that the movie didn’t open with the original Marvel fanfare. I was angry until I cried for the first time in the movie, which happened a mere 3 minutes in.

Clint’s. Fucking. Family.

When he starts running around, yelling for them, I was absolutely gutted. It felt like someone drove a knife into my back.

The Russo Bros.

JESUS. CHRIST. GIVE. THIS. MAN. A. BREAK.

GIVE. ME. A. BREAK.

Tony’s physical state in space was absolutely mind-boggling. I was crushed just seeing him like that, like a little skeleton man. I’m realizing as I write this that I can’t even think about Tony right now. Nope.

No.

Anyway, now that I’m crying, I might as well keep crying.

Nebula lifting Tony up into the seat like he’s a small child. YES, GIVE THIS MAN ALL THE LOVE AND CARE IN THE WORLD! HE DESERVES EVERYTHING GOOD! DON’T TOUCH ME, I’M CRYING!

When that little light hit Tony’s face, I was like, “CAROL! IT’S MY GIRL! WHAT A GODDESS!” and the entire theater erupted with applause. I was so happy I wasn’t stuck with a theater full of people with sticks in places they shouldn’t be.

STEVE SPRINTING UP TO TONY WAS SUCH A BEAUTIFUL, TOUCHING, WONDERFUL MOMENT, BUT THEN, THESE TWO FUCKERS FIGHT AGAIN LIKE 2 SECONDS LATER! DON’T TAKE MY LITTLE SHREDS OF HAPPINESS AWAY FROM ME, MARVEL, FFS!

“I lost the kid” -Tony, making me want to vomit because of the sheer emotions.

Pepperony reunion was beautiful. I cried. Everyone cried. Not everyone. Me and a few other people.

Tony losing his shit on Steve left me gutted. I just wanted everything to be okay between them, especially since both of them came so close to dying.

“I needed you!” -Tony, 2k19

“I need you two to get along” -Me, 2k19

“Up until this moment, I thought you were a Build-a-Bear” -Tony to Rocket, and the theater erupted in laughter. The Russo’s were trying to butter us up with as much funny shit in the first half as they could because THEY KNEW WHAT WAS COMING, AND NO ONE ELSE DID!

When I saw Carol’s tears in her eyes upon seeing Nick Fury’s picture as one of the vanished, I...ugh. No. I’m feeling a lot again.

She was so ready to kick some purple ass, and I was like “YAAAASSSS, KWEEN! Kill the evil grape!”

The fact that we saw the jump in the reflection of Steve’s eyes, my heart fluttered. What a beautiful...whoa. I was...the EYELASHES?! HeLp!

WHEN THANOS GOT HIS NOGGIN CHOPPED CLEAN OFF, THE WHOLE AUDIENCE LOST IT, BUT WE KNEW IT WOULDN’T BE THE END OF THANOS. The cheers were full of joy and also a bit of fear for what would come.

“I went for the head” -Thor, 2k19

Even though, I was fully committed to this movie, when the “five years later” faded onto the screen, I couldn’t help but read it in a Spongebob Narrator voice. OOPS!

Steve trying to be a little optimist in the absolute worst circumstances...ugh!

Joe Russo’s cameo. I was like, “yaaaasss, represent the LGBTQ+ audience” but I was also like, “you’re gonna kill me in this movie, aren’t you?” AND THE SECOND TIME I WATCHED IT, WHEN PEOPLE CHEERED BECAUSE OF HIM IN THAT SCENE, I JUST SAT THERE WITH MY ARMS CROSSED LIKE AN ANGRY BABY! I KNEW WHAT WAS COMING! I KNEW THAT HE WAS GOING TO STAB ME STRAIGHT THROUGH MY FUCKING HEART IN A LITTLE WHILE! The second time around, I was more excited to see Jim Starlin in that scene.

CAROL’S HAIRCUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seeing Natasha cry over Clint’s disappearance was...rough. 10/10 don’t like seeing my heroes cry because it turns me into an actual blubbering mess. Natasha was a strong, fierce, incredible warrior goddess, and to see her crumble over the stress was both so incredibly realistic but also heart-wrenching. She has done such a good job holding it together in the worst circumstances throughout these movies, but now we get to see her as just as vulnerable as anyone else. Natasha was a gem, and SHE DESERVED SO MUCH BETTER. I NEED TISSUES. I’M CRYING!

On a side note: I love that new hair she’s rocking, ngl.

“I tell people to move on; some do, but not us” *chills*

I’m upset that the peanut butter sandwich wasn’t credited and had no appearances in the trailer. It played such a pivotal role. First, it was Nat’s. Then, Nat tried to pass it off to Steve. Then, Scott practically fell in love with it.

Scott, looking at that peanut butter sandwich:

While we’re talking about Scott Lang, I have to say that a lot of us in the theater cried like little tiny babies, when Scott and Cassie finally saw each other again. Five hours passed for him, but his daughter aged five entire years. That was heart-wrenching and also such a happy scene.

TONY STARK FINALLY HAD SOME HAPPINESS! HE MARRIED PEPPER, AND THEY HAD A DAUGHTER, MORGAN! I CAN’T! DON’T TOUCH ME!

Professor Hulk was both really unsettling, really funny, and everything that I wanted. I didn’t really know whether to laugh or cringe a little bit. It was really well done, and it made for some laughs, but ngl, I was a bit...disturbed by it.

The picture scene. Scott is just...the most relatable.

“Take the goddamn phone” -Scott Lang, leaving myself and the rest of the theater in stitches.

“Shit” -Tony Stark, 2k19

“Shit” -Morgan Stark, 2k19

Tony = Parenting Goals, leave me alone.

“I love you 3000” -Morgan Stark being the sweetest little peanut in the history of all things. Someone protect her LIKE THEY SHOULD’VE PROTECTED TONY! HELP, I’M CRYING AGAIN!

“But would you be able to rest?” -PEPPER GODDAMN POTTS, KNOWING THAT WE’RE GONNA EXPERIENCE THE WORST PAIN IN MERE HOURS!

*ahem*

Scott’s transformation between adult, child, old, baby, and back to adult was funny af. Every person in the theater lost their shit during that scene.

“Someone peed my pants” -Scott Lang...legendary

Steven Grant Rogers in THOSE pants. We all know which ones I’m talking about. The ones he wears when he walks outside the facility and is greeted by Tony Stark. I needed an inhaler because it took my breath away. Wow.

TONY GIVING STEVE HIS SHIELD BACK REPAIRED MY SHATTERED HEART AND CLEARED UP MY SKIN.

Scott sitting outside with his little taco, only to have it blown away thanks to Rocket and Nebula, OH LORD HELP ME! I nearly pissed myself, I was laughing so hard. Then, when Professor Hulk walks by and hands him a taco with this big ass green hand, everyone went from “lol” to “awwwww” like he was some giant green puppy!

Nebula throwing serious shade at Scott! LIFE!

“What’s up, Regular-Sized Man?” -Rhodey, coming in for the kill.

Prof. Hulk riding in the back of the truck with his thicc ass, the theater erupted.

VALKYRIE! WHEN IT PANNED OVER TO HER, EVERY SINGLE TIME I’VE SEEN IT, THE THEATER WENT FUCKING BUCK WILD! PEOPLE LOVE HER! I LOVE HER! I WOULD MARRY THIS FUCKING GODDESS!

Thor.

Wow.

Whoa.

Huh.

Like, when it showed him, I laughed because...it’s still the God of a man, Chris Hemsworth. At the same time, though, it made me so goddamn sad. The audience didn’t always know whether it was right to laugh or get a bit emotional about it. He feels like he failed his people and the entire universe. That’s a lot of guilt on his shoulders, and we know where this guilt REALLY belongs.

Peter.

Quill.

STAR

DUDE

HE IS A LORD NO LONGER!

Like, I love you, but this is on you, homeboy.

MEEK AND KORG!

When Prof. Hulk mentions Thanos, and Thor gets really quiet and teary-eyed, I couldn’t help but getting emotional about it. He feels like such a failure, and that’s heartbreaking.

He...is using Stormbreaker...as a bottle opener...wtf, Thor?!

“There’s booze” -Rocket

And that was the line that convinced Thor Odinson, the God of Thunder, the King of Asgard to join up with his team again and kick some ass. Really. I’m not lying. This is the true motivation for my dude, Thor. Wow.

“Jane put her hand in a rock, and the stone put itself into her” -Thor, 2k19

*THE THEATER LOSES IT*

Rhodey motioning what he wanted to do to baby Thanos was one of the funniest bits in the movie. I almost puked, I laughed so hard, and then the reaction he got from the other characters. Oh shit!

“See you in a minute” -Natasha to Steve, and the second time I watched it, I lost my goddamn mind. The people next to me were probably like “wtf is gonna happen?” because they knew I had seen it the previous night during the premiere. So when Nat is doing her little “hahaha, I’ll see you in a second” I was just over there dying, trying to hold back my gross sobs. Like I’m doing right now.

I can’t see the keyboard.

Seeing a different view of the Battle of New York was fucking stellar. I was dead. I knew that this was the moment I would get to see Loki being Loki. Wow. Much anticipation.

Prof. Hulk having to pretend to Hulk out left me shook. I couldn’t hear the movie because of the audience laughter.

Bruce and the Ancient One was a great little duo, and I would honestly pay to see Tilda Swinton just interacting with my favorite heroes all day.

“That suit was doing nothing for your ass” -Tony

“As far as I’m concerned, that’s America’s Ass!” -Scott, speaking on behalf of everyone in the universe.

LOKI IMITATING STEVE WAS A BEAUTIFUL CALLBACK TO “THOR: THE DARK WORLD” AND I LOST IT. I LOST IT AND COULDN’T FIND IT FOR A HOT MINUTE! Then, Thor just slaps that Asgardian “shut the fuck up” mouthpiece on him, and I don’t get to hear Tom Hiddleston’s silken waterfall of a voice again throughout the movie. Who approved this? Like, I enjoy knowing that there was a reason behind said mouthpiece, and it was because Loki couldn’t stop running his mouth, but I just...I wanted more of Loki than I got.

Hulk getting mad about taking the stairs. That was a mood and a half.

When Steve got into the elevator, I was low-key hoping for another can of whoopass like in “Captain America: The Winter Soldier” but what I got was even. fucking. Better.

Hearing Cap say “Hail Hydra” was just as bone-chilling as when I read it in the Captain America: Steve Rogers issue a while back. It was pretty intense hearing him say it, but I thought it was a cool hint to the comic. It gave me chills, but it was also…

Alexander Pierce, ugh! Listen, Robert Redford has always been-and will always be-a stone cold fox, but Secretary Pierce is the #worst. No one likes him. Seeing all these “long lost” characters was such a nice send-off for our heroes. This was the end of a decade-long saga, and this truly felt like a fan-service movie with a lot of heartbreaking moments that we didn’t want as well.

Seeing Tony have that cardiac dysrhythmia was not my favorite thing, but it was much easier than seeing...the INCIDENT AT THE END THAT SHATTERED MY UNIVERSE!

Loki’s eyes following the case when Ant-Man kicked it away left me cackling in my seat. Every time I’ve watched it, it was hilarious. Idgaf, every single time Tom Hiddleston is on that screen, he steals the show, even when he can’t speak.

God.

That man.

Help.

Hulk busting out of the stairwell and hitting Tony across the fucking room was hilarious.

Then, this little shit, Loki, picks up the tesseract and yeets himself right outta the movie like he was never there to begin with. We don’t see him another goddamn time. I was low-key hoping that Thor could’ve found a way to be in on the plan to get the tesseract so that he could’ve seen Loki one more time, but whatever. I’m not in charge of anything ever.

Like, we’ve gotten to see him as Loki for like a cumulative 4 minutes in two entire movies. How rude.

STEVE RUNNING INTO STEVE!

AND THAT FIGHT SCENE!

I was all kinds of whoa.

Me during that scene:

“That is America’s ass” -Steve Rogers, 2k19 or...2k12…? Help.

Steve and Tony going back in time to the 70’s was all kinds of tears. Like, Tony getting to see his dad got me all choked up. AND HOWARD’S LIKE “THERE’S NOTHING I WOULDN’T DO FOR HIM” AND I’M JUST CONFLICTED BECAUSE TONY SUFFERED BECAUSE OF HIS DAD, BUT I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANYTHING ANYMORE!

And when I saw Steve grab four of those vials of Pym particles, I was like “HONEY, YOU KNOW GODDAMN WELL YOU DON’T NEED THAT MANY! PUT IT BACK! DON’T BE LIKE THIS!” I felt like a mother in the candy aisle with a free range toddler.

Listen.

Now, here’s a question.

HOW.

THE FUCK.

DID PEGGY CARTER.

NOT SEE.

HER MAIN MAN.

STEVE.

AMERICA.

ROGERS.

????????????????????????????

Steve’s there like:

And my girl, Peggy, is just:

Completely oblivious.

Whatever.

1970′S JARVIS! FUCK ME UP!

Tony giving this “stranger” a hug after having a quick chat with him on an elevator was hilarious because Howard had no idea what the shit was going on.

Honestly, Nebula’s trip to Morag with Rhodey was nice and all, but I wasn’t as invested in it because I knew that it would tie into Thanos, and it did. I was just sick of seeing this purple nutsack-having face. I was done with him. THEN I HAD TO SEE PETER QUILL AGAIN, AND I WAS READY TO PUNCH A HOLE IN THE SCREEN BECAUSE I’M STILL MAD ABOUT INFINITY WAR! I will blame him for this until I die.

And then we get Nebula 1.0 meeting Nebula 2.0, and I was 10/10 uncomfortable. Not a fan. Not a fan at all. Negative fan.

Thor talking to his mom made me cry. Frigga is the goddess Asgard needed but not the one it deserved. AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

When I realized that Steve, Tony, and Scott went to NYC, Nebula and Rhodey went to Morag, Thor and Rocket went to Asgard, I knew. I knew that shit was about to go down on Vormir. I already knew that someone was going to die in order to get the Soul Stone, but I didn’t want to think about who it was going to be. AND WHEN I SAW IT, I WANTED TO FUCK RIGHT OFF OUT OF THERE. NO THANK YOU!

I knew that Clint and Nat would want to sacrifice their own lives to keep the other from doing it, and they’re two of my favorite characters in the MCU, far above many of the newcomers. They’ve been around since the beginning, and I have an even deeper connection with Nat because I could identify with her as a woman. She didn’t have superpowers, but she wasn’t the damsel in distress, and I found a lot of power in that.

That entire scene had me on the very edge of my seat, and it left everyone else in the theater the same way. Even going back to watch it, I’m still on the edge of my seat, even though I know what happens. The first time around, I didn’t know who it was going to be, who was going to sacrifice themselves for the Soul Stone, and I gasping for air every time one of them made a break for the edge of the cliff thing.

Thinking about that scene still gives me chills. Thinking about how Clint was holding onto her arm as tightly as he could and nat was sitting there, not even trying to hold on. Ugh. It makes me so fucking emotional. I don’t give a fuck. Natasha went out a fucking hero. She sacrificed herself for the greater good, knowingly. I know a lot of people are like, “they did her dirty” but I prefer this death to one at the hands of Thanos. She sacrificed for something she loves: her team, her family. She sacrificed so that Clint wouldn’t have to, so that he could be with his family when they were brought back. The MCU did Natasha dirty by not giving her a movie earlier on, but this death was selfless and heroic, just like Natasha. She died a hero, and no one can change my mind on that.

I’m crying.

Wait.

Ok, so seeing Clint break down and cry was not my favorite thing.

AND THEN THEY GET BACK, AND EVERYONE IS SO FUCKING SAD ABOUT NATASHA’S DEATH! SAME! LET’S BE SAD TOGETHER!

Steve cries: mood.

Hulk throws shit: mood.

So, gauntlet 2.0 is built, and Prof. Hulk puts that shit on and ruins himself. Good job!

Nebula 1.0, who is pretending to be Nebula 2.0, brings Thanos to the future, which is not the best. I was just in shock by the amount of fuckery going on. Like, I didn’t understand any of the time stuff, and if anyone claims they did, they’re lying. Or they’re smart.

Prof. Hulk reverse snaps his fingers, and everything is good again! Birds are chirping, Laura’s calling for Clint, the sun is shining, Thanos’ ship is shooting at the Avengers facility, and he’s being a little prick. Everything’s back to normal.

I was low-key nervous that Hulk, Rocket, and Rhodey were gonna drown under the rubble of the facility, and I was not impressed. But when Scott was like, “yo, I’m on my way,” I was ready for snack-sized Ant-Man to go full on King-Sized Ant-Man again. I was ready.

Thanos sitting outside on a rock, looking like he was ready to kick puppies or some shit. He just wants to be the worst version of himself, I swear to butt!

Thor, Tony, and Steve fighting Thanos was what I signed up for. Like, Clint’s doing the hundred meter dash beneath the facility, and he’s being chased by weight lizard/gorilla/alien hybrids. Then, we have the holy trinity putting Thanos in his place.

Wild.

STEVE.

ROGERS.

CAPTAIN.

AMERICA.

WIELDING.

MJOLNIR.

WAS.

EVERYTHING.

CHANGE.

MY.

MIND.

As soon as that hammer lifted up off the ground, gasps could be heard all throughout the theater. I heard people gasping halfway around the world. People woke up from REM sleep just to gasp. They didn’t know what they were gasping about, but they felt the power of what was happening. I died but was resurrected just to continue gasping.

When Mjolnir was thrown and bounced back only to show that it was thrown by Steve, THE THEATER SCREAMED SO GODDAMN LOUD THAT WE WERE ABOUT TO BLOW THE ROOF OFF THE PLACE. IT WAS LIKE CHRIS EVANS HIMSELF HAD WALTZED IN, PLEDGED TO MARRY EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THE ROOM, AND ALSO GAVE THEM $38 TRILLION A PIECE. IT WAS MONUMENTAL. THE GROUND SHOOK. WE CAUSED THE WHOLE PLANET OF JUPITER TO QUAKE. SOMEONE SHOULD CHECK TO SEE IF IT STILL EXISTS BECAUSE THE CHEERS AND THE SCREAMS WERE ENOUGH TO BLOW UP THE ENTIRE PLANET. IT WAS THE WILDEST MOMENT. THE BEST MOMENT. THE MOMENT WE HAD ALL BEEN WAITING FOR SINCE CAP NUDGED THAT FUCKING HAMMER IN AGE OF ULTRON. THIS WAS THE MOMENT!

Then, we get one of the most epic scenes in cinema history.

Steve using Mjolnir and his shield at the same time, summoning lightning and kicking Thanos straight in the dick (figuratively). It was the wildest ride. I swear, people started punting each other across the room because they were so excited. I wanted someone to punch me in the face because I was so hyped. There was just a lot going on.

Then, Steve starts to lose to Thanos, and I was not ready. I was like, “NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NOPE! I DO NOT LIKE THIS! I WANT TO LEAVE! STOP IT!”

“On your left” - Sam Wilson, 2k14

“On your left” -Sam Wilson, 2k19 or like 2k24 because it’s 5 years in the future. Or is it 2k23 because the 5 year skip came almost right after the events of Infinity War? I don’t know what year it is. Help.

Anyway. Beautiful.

THEN THOSE PORTALS START POPPING UP, AND I WAS LIKE:

I had goosebumps seeing ALL of these characters on screen. It was bittersweet not having Natasha there, but it was such a beautiful moment. That moment wouldn’t have existed if it wasn’t for her. I will give her credit always!

“AVENGERS...Assemble” -Steve “The Guy With America’s Ass” Rogers with the line we’ve all been waiting for since the beginning. It’s been a long time coming, but we got it...finally. Once again, the theater screamed, jupiter exploded, the farthest star swallowed itself, it was a lot.

Tony and Pepper fighting back to back in their suits.

Give my heart a break.

The all lady team up. I get that it was a bit on the nose. I feel like it would’ve been cooler if no words were spoken but all the female cast members just started to line up behind Captain Marvel. I was more than okay with this, though. That scene was cool as shit to see all my ladies lining up to kick some the purple nutsacks ass.

“I am inevitable” -Thanos, that little punk bitch.

“I am Iron Man” -Iron Man, 2008

“I am Iron Man” -Endgame, 2019

Everyone in the theater opening night was like “WWWWHOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!! YEAAAAAHHHHH!” including me when Tony snapped those little fingers. It was the best line that could’ve been delivered before that snap, but no one saw what was coming. People continued to lose their shit as Thanos’ army was dusted. It was poetic justice. And when Thanos got dusted, everyone continued to “WWWWWHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YAAAAAAASSSSSS!” including myself. This changed the second night. As the theater erupted, my ass was sitting there like “NO, YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT’S ABOUT TO HAPPEN! STOP CHEERING!” as I’m holding back adult sobs!

Then.

The camera found Tony.

The cheering died instantly.

The theater got so fucking quiet.

I could feel my heartbeat in my throat.

I could hear the collective heartbreak around the theater.

We had won.

However, we also lost.

I can’t talk about it. I can’t write about it. I just cannot. Of all the people I thought would go, he was low on the list. I was almost certain that Steve would be ripped away from me, but I never thought that this would happen. I’m not okay. I’m really sad. I’m not smad anymore. I’m just sad as shit. Rhodey, Peter, and Pepper getting their moments with him only hurt my heart even more, and I can’t. I’M CRYING AGAIN! I’M NEVER GONNA STOP!

“You can rest now” -PEPPER POTTS

TONY STARK DESERVED BETTER! HE WENT OUT A HERO, BUT I CANNOT! I WILL NEVER BE OKAY ABOUT THIS FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE!

“I love you 3000” -TONY FUCKING STARK’S MESSAGE TO HIS LITTLE DAUGHTER. I’M GONNA PUKE! SOMEONE THROW ME AWAY! I’M DEFECTIVE! HELP!

“Your dad liked cheeseburgers. I’m gonna buy you all the cheeseburgers you want” -Happy to Morgan, fucking my entire world up.

“Proof Tony Stark Has a Heart”

It was so touching to see that every hero was gathered there to pay homage to a hero. It was such a beautiful scene. Seeing everyone there just felt like the twist of the knife in my cold, dying heart. It was great. I loved it.

I’m convinced that the only people who didn’t cry in these scenes were stone cold killers, and I will refuse to believe otherwise until I’m dead and gone. Like, my father cried during these scenes (Nat’s death, Tony’s death, and Tony’s funeral), and it takes...a lot to get tears out of him. I cried the entire ending. Like, the scene with Wanda and Clint. Ugh. I can’t take this anymore. I didn’t stop crying, even as Thor was giving the throne over to Valkyrie (she deserves it, yaaaaaasssss kween), or as he had his moment with the Guardian’s of the Galaxy. I continued to cry when Steve and Bucky had their moment that parallelled “Captain America, The First Avenger”

“Don’t do anything stupid until I get back” - Bucky, CATFA

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you” -Steve, CATFA

“Don’t do anything stupid until I get back” -Steve, AE

“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you” -Bucky, AE

I UGLY CRIED AGAIN BECAUSE I JUST FUCKING KNEW WHAT STEVE WAS GONNA DO. HE WAS GONNA USE THE FOURTH VIAL OF PYM PARTICLES TO DO WHAT HE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO. HE WAS GONNA GET THAT FUCKING DANCE! AND BUCKY KNEW EXACTLY WHAT WAS GOING ON!

That’s why this little shit wasn’t surprised to see that Steve hadn’t come back on time.

I was high-key hoping that Bucky would receive the title of Captain America. He’s held the shield in virtually every movie he had the chance to. Both him and Sam Wilson hold the title in the comics, and I felt like this could be a new arc for Bucky. Like, he needed this redemption. It was still gonna be bittersweet no matter what because Steve Rogers has always been the version of Captain America I love the most. When Bucky urged Sam to go see Steve, he knew that Sam was the man for the job.

Old man Steve is a silver fox. Change my mind.

I think it’s partially the voice, ngl.

So, I really don’t understand the time stuff, especially with an old man Steve in the future, so I don’t really get how it didn’t change everything with him being old af during the events of the Avengers, AOU, CATWS, CACW, IW, literally all of it. I just...don’t understand? But I don’t care because at least he got his happily ever after. Steve was a man out of time, and he did his time as a hero. He deserved happiness, and he found that with Peggy. I saw that some people were like “BUT HE ABANDONED HIS FRIENDS!” Steve did his time, and he deserved to have his happily ever after, just like Tony got to do for a while with Pepper and Morgan.

And he finally got his dance.

And the credits.

The fucking credits.

All of the original cast members signed their names.

And of course, RDJ was last.

Everyone cheered, yelled, screamed, and cried. It was another earthquake, Jupitergate, Supernova kind of moment.

And that little sound at the end. Tony making his first Iron Man suit. I have a glimmer of hope that it’s Harley building his own suit to become Iron Lad because why would they put him in this movie if they aren’t going to do anything with him in the future? Each of these movies has had a post-credit scene with a hint as to what will happen in the future of Marvel, and a piece of me is so content if this truly just ended with a callback to the past, to the man who started it all.

I didn’t stop crying until I got in the car with my friends, scream-sobbed, and then had to pull it together in order to drive and not die in a fiery car wreck even though that would’ve been better than going back to the theater again and again to have my heart shattered even more.

I’m never gonna be okay again, but this is it. This marks the end of my childhood, even though I’m in my 20’s now. The comics, the movies, the merch, it all symbolized my childlike wonder. I know that Marvel will continue making movies, but these were the heroes I fell in love with. Before the release of the first Iron Man, I had fallen in love with the comic book personas of these characters. Iron Man, Captain America, Spider-Man, Hulk, Thor, Hawkeye, Black Widow, FUCKING MOON KNIGHT (I need a Moon Knight movie, ngl) were all characters I fell in love with (there’s a lot more, but I’m too emotional to sit here and list every single one of them). Then, actors who felt like they were made for these roles brought my favorite characters to life. With this being the end of the superheroes I loved growing up, it’s essentially marking the end of my childhood. I grew up reading these comics, and I watched the movies as they came out in theaters with my dad. Now, I go with my dad, with friends, with my uncle, my brother. Sometimes I see them alone if it’s the fifth or sixth time seeing it. Still, this marks the end of an era, and I have so much appreciation in my heart for these actors who brought to life my heroes. I have so much love in my heart for Stan Lee, who made my life one filled with superheroes and childlike wonder. This journey has meant the world to me, but every journey has an end. I will continue to watch the movies that have come out and will watch the new movies as they are released, but there will always be a little something missing. Either way, I will continue to support this franchise for all the happiness it has given to me over the years and all the happiness it will continue to give.

RDJ, we love you 3000.

Excelsior!

[elfmeme]

Khonjin House Starters

*WARNING: Some starters have sensitive topics

"I think it's time to order a pep-pep-pep-pep-PEPerroni pizza!"

"GODDAMMIT. Alright let's try this again."

"WHAT'RE YOU DOING, _, YOU HANGED UP ON ME!"

"I can't use my fucking dick anymore because of you."

"I'M JUST TRYING TO GET A PIZZA!"

"I want you dead, you little prick. DEAD. You hear me?!"

"Well, if I'm going I'm taking my spaghetti with me."

"It's in the coooontraaaaact~!"

"Well, it doesn't matter anyways because this questions a real butt breaker."

"I think I swallowed a bottle cap."

"I've never burned down a house before."

"AND YOU NEVER WILL!"

"God, don't these people know that I'm busy trying to look for crab crab?"

"You didn't tell me that the crab crab was a crab!"

"It's like the saying: Life's a beach, and I'm the dune who can't sand to watch our crustacean comrades go unprotected by the long beach island arm of the claw."

"Wait. I can smell it...Crab."

"I'm going to die."

"I'm going to need to examine that bag, if you don't mind."

"Well, just don't, uh, mind me while I TENDERIZE the BAG! A LITTLE BIT!"

"Uh, sir, it's not what it looks like. I just have a really loud butt."

"Well, I just dropped it so I don't have a product anymore."

"Well, uh, well don't just stand there, like are you gonna take it or not?"

"Wow. Well, now that you mention that, I totally want- SYKE! WHOOOO!"

"WHAT?! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!"

"Do you want this?? It's my most prized posession."

"I don't know, I found this cat in the garbage."

"Well, I'll just get down to it."

"It's okay, you can come in."

"Didn't you hear what I fucking said?!"

"I got to save the spaghetti!"

"The time. It has finally come. God, have mercy on all of us."

"What the fuck is the matter with you??"

"Well, s/he doesn't have to know that."

"I don't wanna break his/her heart, they're a cool chick."

"But that's a different plate of cookies for a different glass of milk."

"DO YOU KNOW WHAT 9/11 IS? I WAS THERE!!! On those planes."

"CHECK YOUR PRIVILEGE, SCUMHOLE!"

"WHOOOO are you?"

"WAIT! DON'T TELL ME!"

"heheh...what a dick.."

"WHAAAAAT is this?"

"Eh, it's just a little scooty."

"Its just a little scooty. Don't fuck with it!"

"Well, yeah, but, the thing about that is that I....Am going to touch it."

"Alright, I won't touch it on one condition: You have to answer me one question."

"I KNEW IT!"

"Ladies and gentlemen......FFFUCK!"

"You're not as big as you think, broseph."

"The only rock you're gonna feel is the pavement!"

"Who the FUCK is talking about a rock?! Are you insane?!"

"S/he couldn't cheat on a math test, let alone cheat on me."

"The only C I can explain are the C four explosives planted under the floorboards."

"This whole place is going to hell."

"You're right, because it's C. Four. And planted the bombs, as previously stated, the ones you are standing on, with your feet, where they are, right there."

"You'll kill us both!"

"Both?! Oh, god NO!"

"Oh great. Of course. Always leave it to _ to fuck something up."

"Get the fuck out, RIGHT NOW!"

"But unfortunately for _ s/he will never find the chiwowow."

"What you don't understand is that I'm gonna fucking stick you like the pig you are if you don't."

"Shut the hell up at forever'o clock."

"How about you get me a PSPiece of pizza or you can Nintendo sixty-forget about ever surviving!"

"Heheh! A whole pep-pepperoni pizza all to myself-"

"Confirmed!"

"Die in your wildest of dreams!"

"You are a fool to stand against me, you idiot!"

"Personally, I prefer your ass."

"And the winner's me."

"If it isn't  __, my beeest friend!"

"That's a lot of people s/he's gotta fight."

"NO, S/HE'S A FRAUD! S/HE'S A FUCKING FRAUD! NO!"

"I am going to put a fucking bullet through my head."

"Listen, I got more degrees than a thermometer. You call me doc."

"Why are these names so goddamn long?!"

"I dunno, I've never been guilty before."

"I want every __ on my desk by the sixty-nineth hour, four-hundred-twenty days by now."

"Rob the place of every fuckboy."

"I want every desk on my desk."

"For the last fucking time, the rope isn't haunted!"

"Fuck it, just go!"

"It was across the street! Why do we need a map?!"

"What a wonderful day to be the king."

"I remember it like it was yesterday, it wasn't yesterday but that's how it felt."

"I DID IT!"

"I DIDN'T LIVE IN SACRAMENTO!"

"I'M NOT LOOKING FOR WOMAN! I'M LOOKING FOR PIZZA!"

"How about I give you a pair of scissors and cut out your favorite picture of _. And while you're at it, tape that picture to your face, so I can feel like I'm beating the shit out of him when I'm beating the shit out of you."

"I'M NOT IN THE MOOD FOR THAT FUCKING BULLSHIT!!"

"It's kind of mesmerizing, really."

"I despise every fiber of your being."

"I'm not involving myself with you. At all."

"It looks like a magic."

"I respect that. And by respect that I mean touch it."

"Have you guys seen my chia pet?"

"I feel like liquid."

"Do I look like someone who knows what the hell that is? Because I am, what was your question?"

"I wanna know how to get the hell out of here!"

"I will staple your face to a beehive."

"Ah, what a wonderful day to take a single step."

"The footage was doctored, you idiots!"

"You can't trust anyone, except for the one man I who can trust with my very life."

"Could you just let me speak for, like, one second?"

"Then what are you doing here, hotshot?"

"You ever heard about the joke with the kid who dissipated into the tides of time? Well, you never will."

"And I was an undercover cop the whole time, they were the criminal, I caught them....Which is what I would've said if I was a cop. I'm a murderer."

"Ah, what a wonderful day to not have Christmas money."

"Alright, I get it. I was looking to play cards but, uh, you can go fish."

"Wait a second, did you say cards as in, like..poker? As in, like, money?"

"But I ain't gonna play cards with some bitchy fishy who's trying to swim with the sharks. So how about you grab yourself a towel, and get out of the pool?"

"I'm gettin' my decks shuffled tonight, if you know what I'm saying!"

"Go back to the shallow end, __, this yaht doesn't have room for two. And I just sunked your career."

"Christmas ain't about making money! It's about making a shitton of money."

"Homie, are you trying to get a lambchop or a lamborghini? Come on, my boy, let's ride, let's talk the dirty."

"Don't. Trust. The streets."

"It was only a matter of time, probably for the rattle of a dime." 

"But money was not gonna buy their way out of this situation station."

"'EY! Could you PLEASE SHUT UP?!"

"Crisis averted."

"Sometimes in order to find the spider, you have to walk right into their web. Their spiderweb."

"Basically, I have no idea how to solve the case."

"Early to pep, early to shoot the shit."

"Don't pretend you're not here, I know you're here!"

"So, how far away is Six Flags?"

"Oh..That's, strange? I could've sworn we were going to Six Flags, considering I'm already IN THE CAR. AND WE'RE GOING TO SIX FLAGS!"

"Alright we made it, now lets find our guy."

"If I were a target, where would I be?"

"You got it! Just, uh, give me a second here, I'll be right back."

"I'veeee got the net!"

"So you're telling me, that if I scream once, I'm dead?"

"Wow, that's a nice cigar, I didn't know you vape."

"Look at this buffet, how could you pass this up?"

"Oh, great, just clone them. Call off the whole fucking funeral, who cares?"

"Can you actually do that?"

"Some people want to make it their own way, but I like to make it the gay way."

"Okay! I get it! it sucks, whatever!"

"EXCUSE ME?! Do I owe you something?!"

"Look, I had a rough day. I'm not looking for trouble."

"Okay, __, I get it. Laugh it up, alright?!"

"I can't die now! Not before I've played Dweebus: the Video Game."

"Today, I've decided to stop wasting my time with habits that just are fucking dumb."

"Oh, dearest __, your voice is like a porcelain gulder against the tides of white noise."

"Would you not cleanse my ears with one bout of conversation?"

"It's so quiet." 

"....S/He's gonna come in here any second now. And when s/he does, the loudest music you have ever heard in your life is gonna play."

"The sheer volume will destroy any speaker, any set of headphones will rupture and explode."

"And this horrible reality is approaching us, and I will be right here at ground zero."

"Could've been good if it were fire ants."

"Sorry to have wasted your time."

"I want to kill you on the principle of that stupid-ass question alone."

"I don't even know who you are!"

"You said you weren't him! I thought I recognized you!"

"Give me one good reason not to."

"Oh, I'm sorry, but there's an irony to be appreciated here."

"I know it'll be lost on you, but would you believe that you're not the only illusion that wants me dead?"

"You wanted him dead since the beginning."

"Kinda sleepy."

"And I'm kinda pissed. Probably don't have to tell you why either."

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna go to bed."

"I'm just gonna lie down here, I'm comfortable."

"You know what, you've had a hard day. You take a nap, and recharged, and all that."

"Wake up, you dumbass!"

"I was having this dream about this girl with really big thighs."

"In other words, a nightmare."

"What? Do you not find big thighs attractive?"

"Well, I guess everyone has their own personal opin- YOU ARE SO FULL OF SHIT!"

"What a wonderful day to experience an unabashedly horrfying piece of ribbon."

"It's a bow that makes bows, we could sell them for four dollars apiece! Cold hard cash, or credit."

"I'm gonna take a bunch of tampons and SHOVE THEM UP YOUR FUCKING ASS!"

"Don't worry, I can fix this. Which is what I would've said if I knew how."

"Nah, I don't remember that at all."

"I know what I want, and I know what I deserve."

"Good, I'm glad you know. But I don't."

"That sounds like a load of shit, I don't believe you."

"My greatest wish is for you to be castrated by a scorpion."

"You take five steps near this thing I'll do a tap-dance on your ribcage!"

"And I'm running out of patience."

"Yes I know, you're a special snowflake, come on we're running out of time!"

"It seems like you thought I was asking for second opinion."

"I would rather die at the hands of a frisbee than chase whatever crazy taxi it is you want me to go get."

"In fact, I'm calling your bluff, asshole!"

"Kill me with that frisbee. Do it."

"Could we really just do that?"

"Has technology really come this far?"

"I wanted to be a surprise."

"Sooo, what do you like best about me?"

"You're not ruining the surprise for me."

"Surpriiiiiiiiiise~."

"We're gonna fucking kill ourselves, go to heaven, and steal Jesus' shoes."

"You should not have done this."

"Well I did, so it looks like you'll just have to kill me."

"The power that was once upon you, is no longer yours."

"This existence doesn't need you anymore."

"People will DIE! Just because you lost someone doesn't mean everybody has to!"

"You think I'm playing you? How do you think you got here."

"GET THIS SHIT OFF ME!"

"And, as it turns out, uhh, limited time was actually unlimited time, and so it's gonna be there forever."

"I got a signed poster of Flute from Spy Kids, I know you wanna see this!"

"Yawn, YAWWWN!"

"I've heard mention of _ and obviously I'm here for this reason."

"Not to belabor the point, but this has never worked."

"Is this the fake gamer girl equivalent to _, you fuckin’ snob?"

"I've learned all the racial slurs in existence, and I will recite them now."

"Uh, did you try shooting it?"

"WOAH, HEY NOW, flag on the plane! You can't just say that!"

"This is literally the worst possible time to be doing any of this."

"Wow, by some miracle of probability, your complete and utterly hairbrained scheme managed to garner one modicum of success and with this juncture I could not possibly see how this could go wrong."

"You thought you've got me, but jokes on you I have narcolepsy."

"Ah, well, alright. I don't really understand the implications of that but much better than the proposed outcome."

"If there's anything I've learned, it's that if it abides by the laws of physics, it simply cannot exist in this twisted, fucked up world."

"So, uh, yeah, I'm going to go home and asphyxiate on every stray cat I see on the way there."

"I don’t feel bad, I've just had enough, man. I have needs for pizza."

[gainerstories]

Some Twinks Like Twinkies: Chapter 2

Click here to read Chapter 1

“Eat my fat ass like it’s the last doughnut in the box you pig,” Dylan purred as his co-worker, Jared, slammed him against the wall of the office bathroom.

 "Trust me, I’ll get there,“ Jared said as the two locked lips. 

Their hands traversed each other’s fleshy bodies, pulling skin-tight work shirts out from tailored pants to reveal doughy stomachs. Jared’s mouth traveled from Dylan’s sugary red lips to his scruffy neck and then down his chest. 

"Looks like all those early morning pastries have been sticking to your ribs, huh?” Jared said and licked Dylan’s nipple. 

“If it’s not my ribs it’s my gut,” Dylan managed to say between heavy breaths. 

Jared worked his mouth down to Dylan’s hairy and puffed out midsection. Dylan gripped the back of Jared’s head with his palm and sunk the man’s face deep into his paunchy abdomen. Jared moaned slightly and frantically freed his hard on from chinos that were wet with pre-cum. Waves of pleasure shot through his body as he stroked his cock, face still planted firmly in his coworker’s burgeoning spare tire. Dylan loosened his grip and Jared responded by pressing his face in further. He shook his head vigorously causing Dylan’s extra weight to undulate and bounce. 

“Fuck you’ve really packed it on fat boy,” Jared said coming up for air. “What’s that twink boyfriend of yours think now? Huh fatty?" 

"He shoots condescending looks at my gut when I over eat… which is always.” “Fuck yeah, prove what a true piggy you are.” Jared’s tongue followed Dylan’s happy trail to his groin. Dylan’s pubic hair was trimmed down to display a recently formed fat pad puffing out around his uncut cock. Jared explored the new chub with his tongue, sucking on mouthfuls of musky fat. The fattened twink’s rock hard and engorged member tapped against Jared’s scruffy cheeks.  

“Tell me how much fatter you’ve gotten since we met,” Jared muttered before wrapping his mouth around Dylan’s pulsating cock. 

Between slight moans Dylan managed to say, “So much. You’ve turned me into a prize hog. My… oh fuck… my belly has never been so fat." 

"Numbers, give me numbers,” Jared responded. 

“Christ, I uh… oh god… um about thirty. Thirty pounds of lard in two months." 

This admission spurred Dylan to face fuck Jared. With each thrust, Jared’s forehead smashed against a plump fat pad and underbelly while Dylan’s balls slapped his chin. Jared clutched Dylan’s bouncing swollen ass cheeks so tightly that pink bulges of fat formed between his fingers. Both men were grunting and moaning in pleasure when Jared abruptly stood and flipped Dylan around. He dropped to his knees and parted Dylan’s fattened posterior. He proceeded as instructed, devouring the man’s rump as though it were the last morsel of food in the building. After a few minutes of rimming, slapping, and biting Dylan’s fleshy behind, Jared stood and began to insert his lengthy cock. Dylan let out a moan to which Jared quickly responded by gripping his paw over the other mans face. 

"Shh, we can’t let anyone know there’s two dirty piggies in here, can we?" 

Jared slowly began to pump his cock into Dylan. His arousal was so immense that in seconds he was vigorously pounding the man, relishing how their sweaty overweight bodies jiggled in unison. Only a few minutes after entering his bloated coworker Jared was ready to bust his nut. 

"Fuck I’m close." 

"Me too, oh god." 

"Oh fuck… you want my load?" 

"Uh huh…" 

"Every Twinkie needs its cream filling huh dough boy?" 

The men orgasmed in unison and slumped onto the floor. 

"Fuck that was hot,” Jared said. 

They collected themselves and straightened their clothes before exiting the bathroom separately. It was the end of the work day and most of their coworkers had left, but the two chubs-in-training were playing it safe. Jared went home for the day and Dylan plopped down at his desk to finish up a few things. He was still lustful for Jared’s soft form. Dylan had turned into a gluttonous hog in the two months since that night he jerked off in the McDonald’s parking lot. Ever since his gut was perpetually stuffed with delicious foods. At first he was alarmed by how intimately his appetite and libido seemed to be linked, but this changed after one fateful night out with his coworker. After a drunken tryst, Jared made a startling confession to Dylan. He was a self-professed “gainer” who longed to fatten himself and others up for sexual pleasure. For the first time Dylan was exposed to an exotic and titillating sexual subculture. His mind told him it was crazy, but his cock said otherwise. After that night, Dylan and Jared began a secret relationship of mutual gaining. 

Dylan opened the drawer to his desk to discover a gift from Jared; a hefty slice of cheesecake. He consumed the treat in a few bites and was left with a hankering for more. Overcome with a lust for food and Jared’s softening form, he snuck out of the office early to grab some pizza. Dylan consumed two large and greasy slices of pepperoni, arriving home with a bloated belly that was ready for more. He wasn’t surprised to find Andrew had prepared a vegetarian soup for dinner. Andrew was increasingly passive aggressive about Dylan’s weight. The pantry was always bare, healthy meals became the norm, and Andrew was constantly mentioning how he was “so full” after only a few bites of food. Ironically, Andrew’s weight was dropping as Dylan’s waistline ballooned. 

“I bought you a little something, if you wanna head to the bedroom,” Andrew suggested after dinner. 

“Oh?” Dylan was surprised by the flirty tone in his boyfriends voice. “What could it be?" 

Dylan opened the small gift box sitting on the bed to find a red leather cock ring. He grinned and leaned in for a kiss. Before long the couple’s nude bodies, one concave and one convex, were intertwined. They both had considerable hard ons as Dylan reached for the cock ring. He struggled to fasten it around junk, noticing that the smallest setting highlighted his freshly formed FUPA. 

"You do it,” Dylan motioned to Andrew. 

He wanted to see Andrew’s bony twink fingers next to his own bloated form. Andrew grabbed the cock ring and paused before strapping it on. 

“What the fuck, Dylan?" 

"Huh?" 

"Why do you have someone else’s come in your pubes?" 

Dylan’s heart dropped, "Baby, that’s my own jizz. I beat off at work." 

Andrew sniffed his boyfriend’s cock before replying, "No fucking way. I can’t believe you. Here I am buying gifts for your fat ass." 

"Hey!" 

"I’m honestly shocked right now. Here I am thinking you’re gaining weight because you’re depressed or some shit. But no, you’re just a lazy prick. So who the fuck is it? Huh?" 

"Andrew, there is no one else." 

"Bullshit! I can smell him on you Dylan! I’m so done with this relationship! I mean look at you, I’m not even attracted to you anymore. You know you have stretch marks on the back of your thighs?" 

"You know maybe I enjoy having some extra weight you superficial cunt!" 

"Oh congratulations on your body positivity Mr. Former Twink, I really could not give a fuck. Please just get the fuck out of this apartment. I don’t wanna look at you." 

"Seriously?" 

"Yeah! Get out!" 

"And go where exactly?”  

“Maybe the dude you’re fucking will take you in.“ 

"You’re a real shitty human Andrew, you know that?" 

"At least I don’t look like Ronald McDonald’s kept boy." 

"You know what?! I have been fucking someone else! And he’s even fatter than I am, and let me tell you- it’s the best goddamn sex of my life you brainwashed little zombie." 

"That’s cool. Does your fat fuck buddy have a bed you can crash in?" 

The two stared at each other in silence for a moment. 

"I regret moving in here. I’ll pack a bag and leave.”

[honeylikewords]

no one asked but i’m doing it anyway

some more peter parker and his dad frank castle below the cut! (warning: spoilers for spiderman: homecoming are mentioned! further warnings: mention of needles/injections, and food! )

one day when talking about various adventure they’ve had peter just mentions what happened that night at homecoming (“yeah, he left me crushed under a building-”) and frank stops him midsentence

“he did what.”

“he, well, sorta knocked a building down on me and i got stuck and i was really scared and i thought i wasn’t gonna make it. that i was gonna die there, all alone.”

and frank’s blood BOILS because. this bird freak endangered this kid? trapped HIS BOY under a building? where was stark for this? where was anyone? why was no one watching over this little guy? frank honestly gets so mad that he doesn’t know what to do, like part of him wants to cry and part of him wants to march over to wherever it is that they’re holding this asshole and beat him senseless

from then on he sticks really, really close to peter and it’s almost annoying how little frank will let peter take care of, tbh

“frank we gotta get those guys! they’re stealing that car!” “i’ll get ‘em. you stay behind.” “BUT FRANK-” “no, they have guns. you stay put.” “GHHHH YOU NEVER LET ME DO ANYTHING COOL, DAD.”

also peter is scared of needles but he has to take his testosterone via injection and so it’s hard for him to do the injections alone so when it’s Time for his injections he’ll call frank up and frank will be there, will take his hand, and distract him while administering the injection

“i ever tell you about the time i fell out of a helicopter, pete?” “NO, WHAAAT?” “yep. we were doing a training exercise-” as he’s careful with the needle, gentle so as not to hurt this scrawny little fellow- “-and i landed flat on my ass in the middle of the woods.”

another one is that peter eats a LOT of junk food but that frank eats like,,,, just trash? not junk food per se but not Great food, either. they’re both bad about it. but peter eats just doritos and gummy worms and mnt. dew and frank eats beans and ground beef (sometimes raw because he’s a fucking heathen) and black coffee like it’s the goddamn depression, but for peter’s sake he’ll call in a pizza, even if he doesn’t eat it.

“c’mon and have a slice!! punish that pepperoni!!” “naaah.” “DO IT! DO IT! DOOO IT!” and he can’t say no to peter’s goofy, pimply, adorable face, so he rolls his eyes and eats a slice, even though he’s not a fan and he hasn’t had it in years and years.

“NIIIICE! i bet it’s real tasty, huh?” “nah. tastes like cardboard and tomato soup.” “you have the world’s suckiest taste buds, man.”