#though it might not be a great trade to make re value

[the-physicality]

"tomorrow we find out where paige is going" .... .tomorrow we find out which team has a 99% chance of drafting paige

[firstwatercapital]

The Rise of the Value Investor

For more than a decade, we have been living with TINA. This does not refer to an unwelcomed houseguest, but with “There Is No Alternative” in terms of investments.

What this means is that since the crash of 2008 and more so in the West, we have been living with low interest rates and in some cases with 0 per cent. Thus, excess capital has had very few safe and decently yielding places to call a home, especially if the owner was looking to make it work. Saving accounts and high-quality fixed income instruments have been typically low yielding and this has steered investors towards other riskier asset classes. Some might say that certain sectors have generally become frothier over this period as they attracted this capital. These sectors might include momentum stocks, growth stocks, pre-IPO deals and the like. A lot of these themes rely on a narrative and the requirement for a number of assumptions to play out, making these types of companies difficult to value and riskier. But these narratives can be convincing, exciting, and popular – for instance tech and fast-growing stocks that will “disrupt” and “change the world”. For the most part, many of these great companies are also generally available at premium prices with the hope that their story will unfold and value will be created. They may even be loss-making.

With value investing, the company’s intrinsic value generally exists, but the market doesn’t recognise it. As long as there is no value trap or miscalculation in its fundamental value, the play is that the market will eventually acknowledge its true value. Value stocks are generally associated with more traditional industries, cash generative or tangible industries, which sadly do not have as exciting stories as their prettier cousins.

However, the relatively smooth economic paradigm that we have been living in has been horribly impacted by a number of events that have knocked both demand and supply– the pandemic, conflict, supply-chain issues, the Fed and by “Dirtiest of all dirty words” – inflation. The last of these is putting pressure on central bankers to increase interest rates.

So why may rising rates lead to the rise in value investing? Here are some thoughts, but as always, I reserve the right to be wrong.

This is because, as rates rise, investors will need to price risk a bit more and they will have alternative, less riskier assets to place their money. It wasn’t that long ago that a savings account in the West used to give 5 per cent interest. Growth stocks also have a longer horizon and a number of assumptions when and whether they will in some cases even become profitable. Thus, with higher rates, they will be more heavily discounted as rates increase.

PE inflation can be evidenced with Apple, a great company with great products. However, if you simply look at the PE ratio, it has received a re-rating. In 2016, it was trading at 10.35x and at the end of 2020, it was 35x. That means even though its performance and earnings have grown, its valuation has increased considerably based on the perception of valuation. Currently, the PE has fallen to 24.5x, but what is to stop it falling further? Why not 20x, why not 15x, where it was as recently as 2019? What about loss-making companies like Zomato, which is valued at 11.8x sales. Why not 10x, why not 5x sales? Where does the buck stop and the penny drop?

Why wouldn’t a value play suffer the same fate? After all, the same investor may take out money from all types of stocks and interest rates impact most companies. The reason that value stocks are less likely to suffer the same fate as their frothier cousins is that their value is more tangible/visible and already exists in many cases. It is supported by an actual cash yield and also their PE ratios can be in the single digits (i.e. relatively cheap). If they were to fall further, the company might be effectively paying you in just a few years to buy their stock. Thus, there is a limit to how low its perception can go and given that the intrinsic value is already higher than the market, the share price may still rise, at least in theory

The views expressed are the authors own. Please consult your financial advisor before making any investment decisions.

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[vanquishedvaliant]

You might be using the wrong type of missiles for what you’re trying to accomplish.

There are many different versions of missiles launchers for a reason and they all fill very different roles, don’t be misled that they all work the same. 

Note first off that your FCS does literally nothing to determine how well your missiles track. Missiles are not at all affected by your range-based aim assistance, so your FCS only determines how much time your lock-ons take to complete. Once the lock on is complete and the missiles are fired, it’s up the missiles themselves to track the target, based on their individual properties, of which Guidance is one of them, but doesn’t comprehensively cover their intended use. Vertical missiles for example despite having a very high Guidance rating are actually abysmal at tracking moving targets. They excel at hitting tough, big, slow moving targets from angles with weak defenses. They’re great for tetrapods, megabosses (especially the Cleaner and the Juggernaut which are both weak on top) and enemies with physical shields. They are absolutely miserable against enemy ACs and fast bosses like IBIS CEL-420 that have quick and frequent dodges. Unless you are able to force them to dodge shortly before the missiles land or stagger your missile volleys to ensure partial hits. “Standard” Missiles are much better are tracking sideways, but are best used in tandem with supporting weapons fire- either a second (or more) missiles launchers fired in a staggered fashion, or with conventional weapons forcing the enemy to consume their dodges. Even still, the best value of these missiles is sustained ACS strain buildup- Missiles are not the highest DPS weapon but the stagger they cause does not go away immediately when you stop hitting the enemy, allowing you to build up a significant amount of ACS strain and make staggering them with a burst of your other weapons much easier. Plasma missiles may help alleviate your problems with complete misses as their AOE damage and proximity fuses makes them more much likely to do splash damage even without a direct hit- though they trade out a significant amount of the ACS strain buildup that explosive missiles provide. Active Homing missiles on the other hand actually have reduced guidance and velocity in order to make them hang in the air and make dodging ambiguous- you should be absolutely using these to force dodges from the enemy to land either the missiles or other weapons, and force the enemy to choose which is the greater threat.

Dual Missiles make the promise of being more difficult to evade based on their split trajectory, in exchange for multi-lock performance, but I personally haven’t found this to make too much of a difference. It does limit the directions the enemy can dodge in, though. Etc etc. There’s many more missile types available later in the game like Split Missiles, Cluster Missiles, Container Missiles, etc. And they all serve radically different purposes and require you to play differently to take advantage of them.

If you’re finding that the missiles you’re using aren’t effective, you may need to either re-examine which missiles are best for you- or change your playstyle to make them work to your advantage.

How come missiles in AC6 are so utterly pointless? I could be firing one and carefully kiting them into it or a thousand with the strongest Guidance chip around, the ai doesn't give a shit and ghosts straight through them. I've run out of missiles before bosses have run out of health, I might as well be throwing harsh language for all the effect its having.

You might just be bad at using them, anon. In my experience and from what I’ve seen of others, they work pretty well. Or maybe you misunderstand their purpose. Unless you are explicitly running a missileboat, missiles are not a main source of damage, they serve as harassment and pressure tools so you can keep up damage, ACS, and make your opponent move in certain ways that lets you nail them with bigger weapons, like cannons, rockets, or melee.

Dodging missiles is easy, they serve as set-ups.

[rederiswrites]

Feel free to ignore this if you want but you post interested me. I don't disagree about what you said re: fiberartists in the apocalypse but there are some notable reasons why they're still somewhat useful? If you're stationary they become a lot less useful more quickly, they use up most faber materials unless you keep livestock but idk enough about livestock to think out how practical that is off the top of my head. However not all clothes, especially not most of the clothes worn by people in their physical prime (in the western world and some industrialized nations) is actually of that high a quality. Fast fashion is a big industry and people are going to need replacements faster than you think if they're clothes are suddenly enduring the physical labor of apocalypse survival. Not to mention that cleanliness is crucial to not dying so there will need to be at least a small amount of clothes to cycle for people who can't wash it everyday. If you're moving there's always the possibility of gathering fiber material, a higher chance of trading with others, but also a higher chance of chaffing of the cloth being a more immediate problem. Then there's the question of other vital cloth items, such as bags and blankets, and the ability to make something out of flag flexible material to meet other unexpected situations likely has a bit of value on its own. Now, people who can sew and sewing machines (if you can get one that doesn't require electricity, I'm not sure) are probably the most cost effective fiber artists and tools. You can find pocket sewing kits at every drug store so thread isn't an issue, and reported olf cloth from MASSIVE catches at clothing stores, rather than hitting up the much smaller yarn or raw fiber sections that you'll find less reliably in cities.

So in conclusion: not all fiber artists are equal in this situation, but their value is pretty far up there behind realiable food sources for people who dream of running a peaceful group, because of the advantages of being able transform some of the most abundant materials in urban environments into tradeable goods. As an individual sewer, with this sales pitch, you might even be able to join a more organized group because of these services, and the ability to teach the valuable skills to others.

Hope you find this as fun to talk about as I do!

Oh I am absolutely going to find this fun to talk about; thank you for a great, engaging ask.

First, I wanna establish that I have mad respect for fiber artists of all sorts. I've spent my life around them, from my mom to a lot of my friends to, I guess you'd call them professional associates? I can do basic garment construction and I'm pretty good at embroidery, but even though I'm used to picking up crafts easily, things like knitting and crochet really elude me. So, again, mad respect.

Second, I am not an expert here. I have approximate knowledge of many things. I know the things I'm about to talk about because I encountered them along the way, not because I've studied it. Any actual experts who wish to chime in would be extremely welcome. Also, since my interest has been in medieval Europe, that's what I know. I would love to know more about other cultures. I'm just assuming that the basic necessities of the subject are applicable across many cultures.

Let's back up. A lot.

Here's a great French manuscript image from the mid 1400's. It illustrates a lot of things relevant to the conversation. So what's going on here?

First, we've got high born ladies involved in these activities. Everyone was, regardless of social status. Before the advent of powered looms and spinning machines (ca. 1770-1790), the textile industry was an all-consuming activity that most women and many men spent part or all of their time on. We watch tv. They made textiles. The difference with the highborn ladies is they probably got nicer materials, like imported silks and expensive dyestuffs.

Second, there are many people involved in the many steps. We've got the lady in pink with the hackles/combs doing the initial aligning and cleaning of the fibers. Lady in white is carding the wool, which is the next and finer prep stage, using brushes that look a lot like a cat brush, but bigger. Lady in red is spinning the fiber thus processed with a drop spindle, which is a super slow way to do it and a real bottleneck in the textile process. Which is why in so many images of women in the fields/literally anywhere, they have their distaff and spindle. They just did it all the damn time. And the queen is obviously weaving. There are also steps both before (rearing and shearing or growing, harvesting, and retting) and after (dyeing and fulling) these.

Textiles, as far back as I know anything about, were an entire industry, involving many unrelated people and international trade. Not often, even in, say, Mesopotamia, were they a cottage industry performed beginning to end by one person or group. This is because that was wildly impractical, always. And would be wildly impractical in our theoretical post-industrial future, as well.

Okay, never can resist a history lesson but hopefully that'll tide me over for now.

Uhh...what's next? Mobility! So actually I'm gonna go totally opposite you on this one--in a theoretical situation where we're still all roaming around as refugees, very few fiber artists would be of much use at all. The sheer amount of material needed is...a lot. Knitters and crocheters can at least carry their tools around, but even a regular scarf might take as much as three skeins of yarn. At least two for socks. You can get a hat out of one, depending on the yarn, but a sweater? At least four, maybe six. You can see how that gets to be a really big Santa sack there. And that's assuming the pre-existence of the yarn. (Which is actually fair, every knitter ever has an out of control yarn stash.) Fortunately, I don't think we'd roam about as refugees for decades. That's just a pretty untenable situation long-term, as lots of refugees can confirm.

So. You CAN use old treadle sewing machines for garment construction. I even know people who bring them to events to finish commissions or do tailoring without power. But they are heavy and bulky, like, a lot. And some nomadic cultures have made fabric with portable backstrap looms, but they're slow and physically demanding. Most looms, as you can see above, are really big and not even remotely portable.

And creating the fiber, saving the sudden re-emergence of entire pastoral herding societies (in a world which no longer has large stretches of grazing land), absolutely demands long term stability. Flax produces one crop a year. Sheep get sheared once a year. And so on. Collecting fiber as you go has, so far as I know, never been the way a culture has obtained textile materials. Nature on its own mostly produces fiber that's good for like, cordage or netted bags, that sort of thing. Useful, but not about clothing.

Anyway omg I need to do things besides this ask this is so long. Final point: my husband and I, my anecdotal evidence for how long clothing lasts when you actually wear it out, actually DO perform dirty physical labor on the regular. Jacob is a blacksmith and is out in the shop nearly every night. He spent the weekend in the woods with a chainsaw. And I take care of chickens, ducks, and sheep daily, and during the warmer months, extensive gardening projects. We live on a 24 acre farm. Jacob has bought like six t-shirts in maybe the entire time we've been together (nearly 20 years), and all of those are in the special drawer for going out. At home, he wears pretty exclusively t-shirts from high school and freebies from groups and events. At work, he wears thrift store dress shirts and the annual nice shirts his mom gives him for Christmas. (She skipped that this year and I gotta tell her she can't be doing that or her son will go to meetings with stained collars lol.)

UGH TL;DR: People buy vastly more clothing than they need, hardly ever wear it out, and could manage with the surplus for decades. Meanwhile, creating textiles is an incredibly involved task, and before the industrial revolution it consumed vast amounts of everyone's time, and would do so again in a theoretical post-industrial world. Fiber artists are badasses and I love them but even the ones who focus specifically on creating wearable fabric (which is very few) consider the creation of a complete outfit to be a major project.

[zirkkun]

Maybe this is cheesy, but with all the praising on stream, I decided I wanted to just gush about my friends and people I look up to on here too. I’m gettin’ sappy and sobby at this hour and I just wanna go out on a high note.

(Started writing this at about the half hour mark before Unus Annus’s death, and now it’s like an hour later. Gosh I just don’t know when to shut up huh? lmao)

@zilthai37 - heya!♥ know you don’t follow Unus Annus stuff, so this will definitely be out of no where for you, but god. You’re too good of a person. I can go to you for literally anything and honestly I probably take it for granted. Something trivial, something serious, you’re always down to talk. I’ve never met another human being who’s so open with talking about things and so open to learn about other people and ideals. You’re honestly so great and so wonderful, man. I love talking to you and I just want you to know that you’re incredibly irreplaceable as a friend and a person.

@cheshiregrinnbuttoneyes - I think you’re the only friend of mine from high school that still talks to me consistently -- and that’s so wild, considering during high school we almost never had the chance to talk. God, you’re just so passionate about your works and you’re always working on your art, and your art is so cute and wonderful. You’re also one of the NICEST people in the world. I don’t know many people who would be willing to give away what they have to support someone else. I adore talking to you and I’m so glad I didn’t lose you, and I never want to, not prematurely.

@secretly-neurotic - heyo! i dunno if you’ve been watching Unus Annus at all, so this might be a little random, but I just really want to say that you’re such a great friend and such a great memelord to talk to. Your art is AMAZING and I’m so glad that you’ve had the chance to be able to spread it to more people recently. I should do a better job of reblogging it so even more people can see it, haha. I know you’ve been real busy with school stuff lately and honestly i just feel really proud seeing you work towards things that you’re really interested in doing, while memeing it along the way. Tell your dad good luck with his BOTW game, hope you get your Switch back eventually lmao

@thoughtfullytired - i think of all my irl friends on this list, i’ve know you the shortest amount of time, but that doesn’t mean you’re any less valuable to me than any of my other friends. You always work so hard to improve your art, and you’re always so amazing at being able to express your emotions into your artwork. I love talking to you about everything, whether it be our nerd stuffs or just regular stuffs. You’re also so incredibly kind to offer your help on Act to Flirt, completely unprompted, when I came to you just ranting about my inability to write music, haha. Hoping the best for you in school (and for your space ship!!) even though I haven’t seen you in a long while.♥

@sansismybitch - ah the name sticks out in this sappy list, but it’s still a very fitting name regardless lmao. you’re honestly a really great and really inspired person. your dedication and interest in supporting those whose works you like is honestly unparalleled. i love when i get asks and memey submissions from you, it brings a smile to my day! talking to you is just so wonderful, and i know a lot of people out there would agree. i just want you to know that you’re really a wonderful person, truly.

@alch3mic - we’ve not talked very long, and I know I definitely already wrote you an incredibly sappy message the other day lmao, but this write-off wouldn’t feel right without saying something to you, especially since the two of us have been watching this stream together (though separately!) You’re just so incredibly passionate with all your projects and I honestly really look up to you and what you do. I’m always so happy seeing when you post because everything you write or draw always brings a smile to my face. Keep doin’ what you do man♥

@teirrart - maybe we don’t really talk (unless it’s some intense thirsting over milo), but I still really adore the work that you do! i think you were one of the first couple of people i followed when joining the fandom and re-joining on Tumblr here, because I adored the buttons you had on your store and bought them IMMEDIATELY haha. It’s still kinda funny to me to realize I have a set of buttons with Ink and Lust made by you and you’ve got my charms of Ink and Lust too.. it’s like a trade in a way, but I’ve just never had it happen lol. Your work is so cute, your characters are wonderful, and your stories are so emotionally driven. I adore them and adore what you do.

@tatatale - god, I still think about the drawing you did with Lust, Insans, and Ace. It brings such a smile to my face and it makes me so happy. I never thought someone who’s artwork and comics I’ve been reading since they started and really admired would ever make something with the characters I’ve made. And you do collabs and fanarts of people’s others works a lot! It’s so incredible to see. This kind of fan interaction is honestly so precious and rare. I adore your comics, I adore your art style, and you’re just so kind.

@owl-bones - we’ve only talked a few times, usually passively talking about the development of our dating sims, haha, but honestly your artwork is amazing, and the work you put into what you do is amazing. sometimes I sit here, a bit jealous of just how good Bonely Hearts Club is, but it’s honestly some silly jealousy lol. You put in an incredible amount of heart and soul into every bit of that game, and it’s so clearly evident even in just the short demo we’ve had so far -- everyone can see that. You’re an incredibly talented person.

...and, well, although you two will probably never ever see this, I suppose I’ll take the chance and throw my voice to the wind anyhow lol:

@markiplier and @crankgameplays - jesus christ, I’ve been watching you two for so long now that i can’t even believe how long it’s been. i was literally barely in high school. it’s so funny to me how I literally had the thought of “Man, I wish Ethan and Mark did more collabs” when YouTube decided to recommend me the escape room video from Unus Annus, a channel that I had somehow MISSED entirely. (At that point, of course. I watched every video from then onward and the ones from the couple of weeks I’d missed). It’s just so wild to me to really think that... a lot of what you two have done have really shaped me today. People often talk down upon the idea of looking up to others because people can do things wrong in the future and then - oh no - now you’re suddenly regretting supporting them. But you two have never once given me that kind of vibe, and I don’t feel like I’ll ever get that from you two in the future. Your work ethics and dedication to what you do really inspires me. It’s gotten me to where I am. Unus Annus ironically made me want death less when I was at such a low point in my life, and made me realize the value of using the time I have been given. It just somehow clicked for me. So, if either of you ever do see this? Just - thanks.

Memento mori.

but also, memento vivire. Remember to live.

[therealvagabird]

I’ve been thinking about disabilities on the tabletop for some time now. Given, there are certain systems that accommodate for this, but I’m only really familiar with D&D 5E, and that also seems to be the most popular system currently running.

So here’s Part 1 of (hopefully) a series of homebrew rules to let you play disabled characters in 5E. This first bit includes stat reduction effects for all your core stats - reflecting what it would be like for your character to have cripplingly low Strength, or Intelligence, or Constitution, etc. I tried to design these rules to have some level of trade-offs, and make the roleplaying experience more interesting rather than just more difficult, but make no mistake, these are still disabilities.

Stat Reduction Defects

To represent permanent debilitating disabilities of the body, one or more of these defects may be taken at character creation to add additional mechanical depth to your roleplaying experience. Each defect comes in three levels of severity. Only one level of any given defect may be chosen, but multiple defects across stats may also be taken. For example: a character may not take level 1 Wisdom deficiency AND level 3 Wisdom deficiency, but may take level 1 Wisdom deficiency, and a level 2 Dexterity deficiency.

CONSTITUTION

Level 1

Subtract 2 points from your Constitution score at character creation. You gain 2 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

You are of a poorer constitution compared to most. You do not suffer hurts well, and are prone to sickness, but you are not wholly crippled.

Level 2

Subtract 4 points from your Constitution score at character creation. You gain 4 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

Minor disability: Withering. Whenever you would gain a level of exhaustion, you gain one additional level of exhaustion as well.

You are afflicted with a wasting illness for which no healer could find a cure. In addition to the normal pains that result from such a low constitution, even doing normal tasks weighs upon you, and you struggle persistently with simply living your life.

Level 3

Subtract 4 points from your Constitution score at character creation. You gain 4 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

Minor disability: Withering. Whenever you would gain a level of exhaustion, you gain one additional level of exhaustion as well.

Major disability: Frailty. Your poor health has affected your overall physical ability. You have disadvantage on all Athletics and Acrobatics checks.

Grace: Caution. Your delicate nature has made you hyper-aware of potential dangers. You may add your proficiency bonus to Perception rolls. This effect may stack with other bonuses to your Perception. You also gain advantage on Investigation checks to detect potentially poisonous substances.

You would be described as “sickly” at your halest. Due to your affliction you are highly susceptible to all physiological damage. In some ways it’s a miracle you’ve lived this long. The fact that you’ve made it so far shows that you have an attentive mind and personality.

STRENGTH

Level 1

Subtract 2 points from your Strength score at character creation. You gain 2 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

You are weaker than average and are not suited for hard labor. Martial pursuits are likely out of the question for you.

Level 2

Subtract 4 points from your Strength score at character creation. You gain 4 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

Minor disability: Weak. When prone, you must use all of your movement for your round if you wish to stand up again.

Beyond simple lack of strength, you are weak by all adult standards for your race. Even doing conventional tasks is taxing for you.

Level 3

Subtract 4 points from your Strength score at character creation. You gain 4 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

Minor disability: Weak. When prone, you must use all of your movement for your round if you wish to stand up again.

Major disability: Crippled. Your body struggles to even support itself. You have disadvantage on Acrobatics rolls, and your base movement speed is reduced by 10.

Grace: Unthreatening. Your thin and frail appearance puts most people at ease, as they assume you are no great threat. You have advantage on Persuasion and Deception checks when trying to convince others you are not a threat to them.

Your bones and muscles wither as if you are starving, and even the weight of your own frame can be too much at times. While those who value strength would look down on you, at the very least you give off an unthreatening aura.

DEXTERITY

Level 1

Subtract 2 points from your Dexterity score at character creation. You gain 2 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

Fine details are not your strong suit. Simple tasks or things which do not involve so much precision are more your pace.

Level 2

Subtract 4 points from your Dexterity score at character creation. You gain 4 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

Minor disability: Lame. Your base movement speed is reduced by 10.

Your poor dexterity has manifested as an overall lack of agility. Due to some illness in your joints even walking can be a fitful struggle.

Level 3

Subtract 4 points from your Dexterity score at character creation. You gain 4 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

Minor disability: Lame. Your base movement speed is reduced by 10.

Major disability: Palsy. Make all tool use checks at disadvantage, otherwise using tools takes twice as long.

Grace: Blunt. You are inured to rough terrain, since all terrain seems rough to you as it is. You are unimpeded by all non-magical Difficult Terrain, including crowded urban areas.

You are afflicted with a palsy which makes precision work near impossible without significant effort, and your every motion is only half in your control. “Clumsy” would be a generous term. However, if you put your mind to it there is nothing stopping you from engaging in more straightforward tasks.

INTELLIGENCE

Level 1

Subtract 2 points from your Intelligence score at character creation. You gain 2 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

You are less intelligent than average, but besides being mocked for a dullard you are not overly handicapped.

Level 2

Subtract 4 points from your Intelligence score at character creation. You gain 4 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

Minor disability: Unlearned. You cannot read or write the script for any languages you speak.

Your mind does not function with the vigor that it should. This has rendered you unable to comprehend the written word and put you at a severe disadvantage in life.

Level 3

Subtract 4 points from your Intelligence score at character creation. You gain 4 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

Minor disability: Unlearned. You cannot read or write the script for any languages you speak.

Major disability: Slow Minded. You have disadvantage on any Intelligence check to recall information.

Grace: Pity. Many people are predisposed to take pity on you and grant you assistance in matters requiring a sharp wit. Commoners may offer you work, though not always good work, while upper-class individuals may give you charity more readily. Scholars and other learned folk may find you irritating, however.

Your mind is handicapped by some manner of defect. You have immense trouble learning and retaining information and would likely be called “simple” by most members of polite society. However this has had the benefit of some people being more forthcoming with charity out of a sense of pity.

WISDOM

Level 1

Subtract 2 points from your Wisdom score at character creation. You gain 2 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

You lack a little something most people seem to have. Call it a sheltered upbringing, a slowness of the mind, or something else, but it’s expressed in a marked absence of wisdom.

Level 2

Subtract 4 points from your Wisdom score at character creation. You gain 4 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

Minor disability: Phobia. You must roll or choose a Phobia from the following table. When exposed to the Trigger of that Phobia you must succeed on a Fear (Wis) saving throw or become Frightened. Once Frightened you can re-roll to break Fear once per round in combat. If out of combat your comrades must aid you in overcoming your anxieties. Your Trigger will not activate again until you have taken a short or long rest.

Your mind is frail. In addition to lacking many of the insights and experiences other people seem to pick up naturally, you’re easily Frightened and maladjusted to the wide world.

Level 3

Subtract 4 points from your Wisdom score at character creation. You gain 4 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

Minor disability: Phobia. You must roll or choose a Phobia from the following table. When exposed to the Trigger of that Phobia you must succeed on a Fear (Wis) saving throw or become Frightened. Once Frightened you can re-roll to break Fear once per round in combat. If out of combat your comrades must aid you in overcoming your anxieties. Your Trigger will not activate again until you have taken a short or long rest.

Major disability: Disconnected. Your inability to read the world around you has impacted your ability to connect to other people as well. You have disadvantage on Deception and Persuasion checks concerning creatures with the Humanoid type.

Grace: Oblivious. You have advantage against being Charmed, and on Insight rolls against being Deceived by Humanoid creatures.

Some might call you slow, but your issue isn’t one of intelligence. Things simply don’t make sense to you, and you drift on in life unable to fully take in the world around you or the people in it. Your strange disconnect from others has some upsides – while it is hard for you to convey your thoughts to others, and are as perceptive as a stone, you can sometimes see through the illusions of the world that others take for granted, given that you are unburdened by the veil of how things are “supposed” to be.

Wisdom Phobia Table (d20)

If you have taken the Phobia trait you must either roll for a result on this table or choose a Phobia at will. Meeting the Trigger of this Phobia will require you to make a DC-15 Fear (Wisdom) saving throw or become Frightened. Once Frightened you can re-roll to break Fear once per round in combat. If out of combat your comrades must aid you in overcoming your anxieties. Your Trigger will not activate again until you have taken a short or long rest.

CHARISMA

Level 1

Subtract 2 points from your Charisma score at character creation. You gain 2 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

You are a rather unsavory sort, either due to some deformity, or simply a bad personality. Most people will not appreciate your company.

Level 2

Subtract 4 points from your Charisma score at character creation. You gain 4 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

Minor disability: Repulsive. You are either deformed or off-putting in some way that makes people want to avoid you. When attempting to enter conversation with a Humanoid creature, roll on the Repulsive Reactions table to determine the result.

There is something wrong with your demeanor. Perhaps your appearance is unnaturally hideous, or you emanate an unsettling feeling. You’ve had to find new ways to adapt to a world that despises you.

Level 3

Subtract 4 points from your Charisma score at character creation. You gain 4 point-buy points to allocate into any other stat.

Minor disability: Repulsive. You are either deformed or off-putting in some way that makes people want to avoid you. When attempting to enter conversation with a Humanoid creature, roll on the Repulsive Reactions table to determine the result.

Major disability: Shunned. Your inability to connect with others has left your interpersonal skills lacking in more ways than one. You have disadvantage on Insight checks against Humanoid creatures, as well as disadvantage on Animal Handling checks.

Grace: Discarded. You are so hideous most people will go out of their way to avoid you, even to the point where you might use this to your advantage. You have advantage on Stealth and Intimidation checks against Humanoid creatures.

You are a monster – or at least most people seem to think so. Whether by virtue of your disgusting appearance or some black pall that accompanies you, no decent folk want your company. However there are certain ways a savvy individual might leverage such disdain to their advantage.

Repulsive Reactions Table (d20)

If you possess the Repulsive trait, you must roll on this table before you enter into conversation with any Humanoid creature. Make a Charisma check and determine the outcome based on the reactions table. Individuals with whom you are personally acquainted or who are obliged to interact with you, such as party members, friends, and most shopkeepers, clerks, and clerics do not trigger a roll.

[okay-victoria]

What do people think of Tanya? AKA: Actually, a lot of people agree with Lehrgen

Summary: WHOOOOO BOY. You know it’s going to be fun when my subsections have to have their own subsections. Briefly, there is the Good [people who like Tanya both personally and professionally], the Bad [people who like/love Tanya professionally but not personally], and the Ugly [people who ideally, Tanya will never speak to, look at, send mail to, or be in the general vicinity of ever again]. 

I would say most people fall into the “Bad” category - they recognize her value as an officer, sometimes to a worshipful degree, but on a personal level range anywhere from thinking she’s a creepy child to actively disliking her. Unfortunately for Tanya, the people that fall into the Ugly category are as a rule higher-ranking than the ones in the Good category, and most people in the Bad category seem to like her specifically in her military role, and it is questionable they’d want her as even a coworker outside of that, let alone as a friend.

The Good

People who’re in here: People who have only ever heard of Tanya in the context of the Silver Wings award, people she interacts with in the Imperial Navy; rando soldiers; someone kinda high up in the later-war Eastern Army command; Ugar

People who only know her from Silver Wings:

V1/C1

Describes the nice aura people would see in someone who wins the Silver Wings.

The Navy

V3/C2

A naval officer does assess Tanya as having a predatory look, but doesn’t seem to think particularly badly of it, he just notes it, and then says “Degurechaff was a fellow soldier he could be proud of, which was why he extended his hand in utmost seriousness to wish her well.”

Rando Soldiers

There’s no real good single quote on this, but over time Tanya comes in to reinforce various units and leaves behind various impressions, ranging through Good, Bad, and Ugly, but anyway, there almost have to be low & middle ranking officers and soldiers who are presumably nothing but grateful to Tanya for rescuing them, even though we never get much of anything from their perspective.

Others

A superior officer of Tanya’s in Eastern Army command, in V5/C1, gets a transfer request for Tanya’s unit and reflects he is sad to be losing her.

Ugar - I don’t have down any specific pieces, but IMO it comes across in the LNs that Ugar is generally well-disposed to Tanya and doesn’t have the positive professional/negative personal thoughts that most other people close to her do.

The Bad

People who’re in here: Tanya’s academy/war college instructors, the 203rd battalion & later Kampfgruppe, Zettour, Rudersdorf, Generic Superior Officers, Romel, Lehrgen’s professional opinion

Tanya’s Academy & War College Instructors:

V1/C1

Tanya’s zeal during academy scares her instructors.

V1/C4

The instructors scrawled “abnormal” across the top of Tanya’s file.

“In the academy, we were told over and over – and, for some reason, over again – to love our troops. Weirdly, now that I think about it, I feel like they emphasized this the most when talking to me.” <= Tanya...you’re...you’re so close.

V1/C5

Mentioned that some teachers in the academy are on Lehrgen’s side of the What The Fuck Do We Do With Tanya debate.

V3/C5

Romel’s summation of her personnel assessment notes that at least on paper, the academy and the war college gave good overall evaluations of her.

203rd Battalion:

V1/C3

[Visha] “The moment she turned her icy cold eyes on us like we were objects to be appraised, I shrank from her in spite of myself. People might laugh at me for being afraid of such a little kid, but those eyes reminded me of the way a cat looks when it’s playing with a mouse, which creeped me out”

[Visha] “I was different from Lieutenant Degurechaff, who could calmly nail fleeing soldiers in the back with optical sniping or explosion formulas. I was relieved because I wouldn’t have to shoot.”

V1/C5

[Visha] “Was she an agent of the devil or of God? It had to be one or the other. Ahh, I can’t believe I have an ally more horrible than the enemy. She’s not human. I would bet my life on it. Me and a few others saw it once. During training, one of our teammates dropped like he was dead. The captain gave him a good kick, and before we knew it, she was back on his feet. I had been staring into the abyss of death myself…the captain heaped abuse on me. But I know, I saw it: she charged into the avalanche to save me. Even after my friends told me that she tossed my busted body aside like a used rag, I believe. She is definitely a good commander, even if I’m not sure about her as a human being. Of course, we all laugh and bad-mouth her…if the captain is an apostle of God, then only the devil can possibly exist.” <= in good news, Tanya, you are currently winning on your quest against Being X and mostly making people believe that he’s the Devil for allowing you to exist!

V2/C1

[Weiss] also refers to Tanya as a vampire

[Weiss] thinks Tanya is arrogant

[Visha] “her thought is That’s so low, Major.” <= this is in response to Tanya pulling out her child voice to announce they were going to bomb Dacia’s factory.

[Weiss] “Weiss has only known her for a short time, but even he can pick up the displeasure his superior doesn’t bother hiding. Her mood is as dangerous as nitroglycerin. When Weiss quietly takes a step back, everyone discreetly follows suit. Nobody wants to be so close to Major von Degurechaff when she’s irritated.”

V2/C5

[Grantz] “If the devil exists, it has to be our instructor, the commander of the 203rd Aerial Mage Assault Battalion, the legendary Major von Degurechaff. The way she smiled. The way she looked at us like we were maggots. The way she seemed thirsty for blood. I’d believe she had tried to kill a rebellious underclassman or crack his skull open. If I screw up on the battlefield, she’ll definitely kill me. That’s how threatened I felt by the instructor who just had to also be my advisor…I wanna cry.”

[Grantz] “This was the major who had once said during a speech at the academy that deadweight should be killed…This is crazy. No one said it aloud, but it was the look on everyone’s faces. This was a nighttime mission to abduct enemy soldiers…Magic Second Lieutenant Warren Grantz realized he was shaking. My survival instinct was screaming. I wanted to avoid the war, the combat, the killing. I was hesitating. But one glance from Major von Degurechaff was enough to subjugate that instinct. She was far more terrifying…I was so terrified I hardly felt like myself anymore…How could the major just calmly sing a hymn?”

[203rd banter] Visha asks if anyone wants to trade places with her so she doesn’t have to be with Tanya all the time, and Weiss and Grantz are not itching to take her up on the offer.

V2/C6

[Grantz] Is really, really bothered by how chill Tanya seems to be about Arene.

V2/C7

[Weiss] Reflects on all the horrible things Tanya has put him through, but ends his reflection on the note that he understands why it was necessary to prepare them for war.

V3/C5

“Apparently, the troops serving directly under her thought she was a great field officer” <= Romel re: Tanya’s personnel file

V4/C5

“‘Please have the 203rd be part of your Kampfgruppe. All of us in the battalion wish to continue serving under you.’”

Tanya doesn’t get what she wants, is then pissed, and it gives off weird abusive-parent vibes where all her children try to flee and not be present, and for the ones who have to be (Weiss & Visha), they take it by flinching, cowering, praying to God for Tanya not to explode, etc.

V5/C4

[Visha] “Reality is far too unreal. She’s crazy. There’s something strange about her...The colonel cackled – no, she giggled, smiling like a child. It was positively surreal to see her eyeing the enemy with her tender gaze and licking her lips. She snickered, but what was so funny? She was terrifying...Dripping red liquid. Pink things that used to be humans, flying everywhere. And opposite that scene was a beaming little girl. It was so surreal, it made more sense for me to suppose I had gone insane. No, maybe I really did go insane. The sight of my superior officer nodding with satisfaction and beginning a confession of her faith was horrific. I didn’t get even a glimmer of madness from her beautiful, innocent eyes. They were the eyes of a stubborn servant of logic, full of pure reason. But that’s what was horrific: those eyes stuck on that doll-like face.”

V5/C5

Tanya has some good banter with her Kampfgruppe soldiers and it seems like everyone’s getting along.

V8/C4

T: ‘Are you saying you throw yourself into the slaughter purely, justly – sane and sober? Don’t make me laugh. That’s a broken man talking. Going to war after downing some liquid courage with a grimace is much more human.’ He frowns for a moment, perhaps thinking to argue back, and then whines, ‘So are you drunk, then, Colonel?’ <= yes, a random officer from Tanya’s Kampfgruppe just asked if she was drunk and that’s why she’s always throwing herself into battle so excitedly.

V8/C5

T: ‘Glad you’re safe, Lieutenant.’ V: ‘Thank you, ma’am. That said, I would have rather you spared me from getting caught up in that attack.’ T: ‘What choice did I have?’ V: ‘What is that supposed to mean?’ Serebryakov puffs her cheeks out in a pout, which is surely a sign that she’s feeling better. <= Tanya, Visha wanted you to apologize, not excuse yourself, damn!

Zettour

V1/C5

“He doesn’t know whether they should praise her original ideas or call her insane.”

“Apparently, she hasn’t forgotten that she once said she wanted a battalion. She, a first lieutenant, to a brigadier general…something liable to provoke antipathy? She’s already done that.”

“The smirk on Tanya’s face reminds Zettour of some unpleasant rumors he’s heard about her.”

V2/C5

Zettour both remains horrified that Tanya was able to speak so frankly about a world war, yet he is sympathetic to the fact that she could do it because she understood what would happen.

V4/C3

Tells Rudersdorf that he “unwaveringly trusts” her military decisions.

V4/C5

Tanya comes to Zettour to request better units than he’s given her. He finds the request beyond arrogant, seeing as how pressed they are for men, especially for the fact that this is shortly after the Moscow situation and her battalion has “gone too far and been a handful”.

“Somehow, he didn’t think there could be that many damaged kids in the Empire like this young teen back from the battlefield. And actually, regardless of how he felt about it as a soldier, personally, the idea of interacting with them was terrifying.”

“But Degurechaff was unfazed and inquired about their experience with killing people. She saw people as products, and she was asking if they had been tested – that was the nuance. Could such a completely utilitarian view of people even be taught? Certainly, the army is an organization that pays attention to individual functions. Substitutability and cost consciousness are two factors hounding everyone. But can you really judge a human being by those criteria alone?...That innocent face and her straight back made her look something like a surreal doll. Doesn’t…Doesn’t anyone think this is strange?”

Zettour is mentioned to have originally had the same doubts about Tanya as Lehrgen, but after her performance he claims he is ready to “swallow any pill, no matter how bitter” (I think working with Tanya being the bitter pill) to win the war.

Zettour gives Tanya a little discretion to commandeer some equipment, she takes a lot of discretion. Zettour sort of laughs at off saying “this was Degurechaff” but does also mention that Tanya’s actions “amounted to a borderline interference in Supreme Command.”

V8/C4

Zettour is impressed with how Tanya has trained Grantz and thinks that if she wasn’t so good in the field, he’d put her in education.

“Sure, Degurechaff may have been broken, but not as an officer.”

Rudersdorf

V2/C1

Rudersdorf says that Tanya has a “distinct” [read: probably means difficult] personality, but if he just divided people into useful and not useful, she was useful.

V4/C3

Zettour and Rudersdorf debate Tanya, and he mentions that he only thinks she is talented in the military realm.

Generic Superior Officers

V2/C5

Tanya has a misunderstanding with her CO on the Rhine front. He wants her to train some new recruits normally, she mistakes it as saying “well, kill as few of them as possible, but do what you gotta do,” she gets kind of reprimanded over it.

V3/Intro

“Performance Evaluation: Major Tanya von Degurechaff:

Counselor’s Notes on character and conduct [this is printed normally]: Abundant loyalty and excellent fighting spirit. Follow regulations to the letter. Devoutly religious.

[this part is handwritten] Has a bad tendency to take matters into her own hands. Competent but as difficult to handle as a mad dog.”

V3/C1

“Some of the officers even added another thought in the back of their minds: Major von Degurechaff might actually be able to wring out even better results.”

V3/C3

Tanya goes wild on her base commander when he won’t let her sortie to Brest to prevent the French army from evacuating. <= Oddly, IIRC, no one ever like, apologizes to Tanya for not believing her, which is kinda rude, so mostly the incident reflects negatively on her instead of being a balanced: ok she did violate some rules, but...maybe if we’d listened to her we’d have avoided the rest of the fucking war, so seems like it might have been called for?

V3/C5

“The most important evaluations during a war are the ones from the battlefield, and those were all over the place.” <= Romel, re: Tanya’s personnel file

“The second was that although the evaluations were contradictory, she had achieved enough that she was considered an outstanding soldier. Awkwardly, regardless of how she was as an officer, as an individual mage, she was thought very highly of. Her number of kills was among the highest on the Rhine front.” 

“In any case, strictly as a mage, she was unrivaled. As an officer, too, she was by no means incompetent. So they must have been giving her to him as reinforcements and as an excuse to get her out of their hair. Honestly, he felt like they were foisting off their problem on him. ‘They’re telling me to take a mad dog out on a walk with no leash?’ He let slip a complaint. Maybe it was just prejudice, but that wasn’t what it felt like to General von Romel. After all, he was basically being asked to bet on a bad hand.”

V4/C2

Everyone on the General Staff realizes the huge amount of fallout from Tanya attacking Moscow. The backstory of this is that when Tanya asked for permission, the General Staff thought she was just going to do a fly-by and freak them out, not attack the city. It pretty much kills any opportunity they had to negotiate a quick settlement with Russia in the cradle.

Romel

V3/C5

Romel’s first meeting with Tanya pretty much goes: “so arrogant it’s invigorating...unbelievably insolent...in addition to her self-important attitude, it exuded heavy sarcasm...not only was she arrogant, she was clearly horribly warped.”

“Any commissioned officer would understand just from hearing her make that one comment why the Northern and Western Groups couldn’t control her. Having a mage battalion drop out of the command structure was almost like losing a whole division” <= ie, Tanya’s previous superiors must have really disliked her to give her up.

“She simply decided she would be a patriot if it was good for the nation. In short, she’s a capable lunatic, but the bad part is she doesn’t realize she’s twisted…She’s crazy. And competent. And more sincere than anyone I’ve ever known.”

“Without a doubt, she’s going to end up being the most horrible person I know. And she’ll probably also be one of my most reliable friends on the battlefield.”

V3/C6

Romel reflects that she is a mad dog, and that she is an ego-crushing entity for the average officer. <= while Romel never brings this up, this has a *ton* of important real-world implications for Tanya, especially assuming men still have more than a little trouble listening to women outside the military. Even if you believe the best rumors about Tanya, you still might not want to hire her because she’s going to be better than you, and most people hate that feeling.

V4/C1

Tanya goes to the Eastern Front, and Romel reflects that he is sad to lose her and that once you got used to her, he found her easy to work with.

The Ugly

People who’re in here: Lehrgen’s personal opinion, Some wartime randos, OG Eastern Army Command, OG Northern Army Command, Imperial Government, people who mostly know Tanya from her Arene reputation, Western Army Command; Implied Future View of Tanya

Wartime Randos

V1/C5

“Some of those who had been on the front lines had a strange reaction to the name [the 11th Goddess] we picked. They claimed it was the worst joke they’d ever heard.” <= ie, Tanya was the Devil, not a goddess

V2/C1

Tanya is happy that Dacia has zero airpower. She displays her happiness by smiling maniacally and skipping around her tent. Everyone thinks Tanya is happy that they just got invaded again and the war is growing and she can go kill people. 

V2/C5

A kinda random infantry guy is still having nightmares about Tanya in like, 1960, and reflects back on how he felt when he heard Tanya casually call for friendly fire to go right through where her men are flying. He questions why anyone listens to her.

“But when I replay the memories in my mind, I can’t help but shout, You monster! A hero, a star, and outstanding magic officer. You, ma’am, were a great officer. To all of us imperial soldiers serving on the Rhine lines, you were a god...Yeah, she’s a god – an immensely powerful one who presides over life and death. Her words, brimming with a spine-chilling anger, swept over the area as if she was planning to attract all the enemy hostility like moths to a flame. Major von Degurechaff had bared her fangs. It invited a violent reaction. The Republic wanted to hunt the devil. In other words, they devoted all humanity’s wisdom to killing the god of death. Gods don’t die, but those of us next to them? …They were right to call her a god of death. She killed the enemy, and the enemy killed our men. Then the noble major, with a glance at all the dead in the mud, took her leave. Fucking hell.” <= and you thought Lehrgen hated her. But, again, real-world implications of this could very well be that post-war, Tanya is a total persona-non-grata as someone that had a high degree of influence on how rabidly everyone fought against the Empire, and how the Empire was treated in the aftermath. I don’t make it out quite that bad, but it could be really rough if someone wanted to make it that way.

V4/C5

“The Guard Division had been on many assignments dealing with formal events, so we had experience…But what is that? That absurd, expressionless, doll-like creature was giving orders to people who appeared to be bloodthirsty mages just back from the war zone.” 

“Could it really…could it really be possible for a child to wear such a smile?...Her hands were soft and would have looked more natural holding a doll, but instead, this odd, human-shaped creature spread her arms as she delivered a welcoming address. No one. None of the high-ranking officers present could raise an objection to this thing. The veteran mages all obeyed this inhuman being in the form of a person.”

OG Eastern Army Command

V1/C5

“The members of the eastern army had been openly angered by her annoyed look until days before, but now their faces were pale. She said exactly what she thought: ‘Incompetent, pitiful, lazy, arrogant, unprepared, mentally disabled, inattentive, no powers of observation’ and her conclusion was that ‘all mages of the Eastern Army group require reeducation’”

“The ranking officers from the regional field armies who had come to protest ended up bearing the brunt of the General Staff members’ critical glares.”

OG Northern Army Command

V2/C3

“With no idea when Colonel General von Wragell might explode in his seat at the head of the table, Lieutenant General and Chief of Staff von Schreise was inwardly annoyed, but at the same time, the atmosphere was so tense he wanted to bury his head in his hands.”

“Schreise couldn’t be the only one thinking that he would have thrown her out immediately if she weren’t a representative of the Central Army’s view.”

“‘You’re very humble, aren’t you?’ one of the staff officers murmured, curling the corners of his mouth into a smile that was more of a sneer.”

“Schreise had never seen a major with such a big head without making light of him…without hesitating even a little, she – a mere battalion commander – matter-of-factly gave her opinion to the staff and even had the audacity to disagree with them. Even with the sacred, inviolable General Staff’s power behind her, she was nearing an inexcusable challenge to authority. A head could be allowed to swell only so far. There’s a limit to what can be tolerated, even for recipients of the Silver Wings Assault Badge!...the major, though still rather new, was readily crossing a line of which all graduates from the war college should have been aware.”

V3/C5

“There was a pile of especially severe criticism from the Northern Army Group. They said she was transferred after voicing a clear objection to those in authority.”

Imperial Government

V2/C5

Tanya sinks a Commonwealth vessel, she is court-martialed, the military says she did nothing wrong [which I agree with], but the diplomats want to punish her to appease the Commonwealth. After the not-guilty verdict, Tanya’s smug-ass smile makes everyone go: umm...should we really have let her get away with this??

V4/C2

She then further makes the diplomats hate her over her Moscow raid.

V4/C3

Rudersdorf warns Zettour that Tanya going overboard is earning Zettour criticism from the government.

V4/C4

During her second court-martial, Tanya doing the most in Moscow manages to fracture the relationship between the government/supreme army command & the guys more in charge of the day-to-day war, like Zettour & Rudersdorf.

International Post-Hoc View on Arene

V2/C6

“They gunned people down like they were so many targets in a firing exercise. They got ‘points’ for shooting people. People had blocked themselves in, so they used heavy-explosion formulas to bombard whole districts. Those are all painful memories of the tragedy being shared today. Even counting only the confirmed deaths, the city of Arene lost half its population that day. In order to avoid the heavy responsibility for each soldier that would result if they went into the city and had to visually confirm their targets, they aimed to cause widespread fires via artillery bombardment from positions surrounding the city. A portion of the documents shows that they had chosen targets that were likely to spread the flames as proof-of-concept for firestorm.” <= the reporter doesn’t know this, but Tanya is the person that comes up with that proof-of-concept for creating a firestorm, as well as the person that creates the case to make it legal to repress a civilian revolt with a military. To me it seems like Arene is presented as the Tanyaverse Bombing of Dresden, except how it would be viewed if Germany had won WWII.

Tanya thinks about how if the Empire loses, her reputation is in the toilet if it becomes known that she did this.

Western Army Command

V2/C6

[The Lt. General or above that is in command of the Western Front] “A terrifying report or a proposal from hell. The one who thought of this was either a lawyer so cunning the devil would invite them to join forces or a criminal. This way of thinking is practically inhuman. Only a devil who forgot their reason and conscience in their mother’s womb could come up with such a tactic. That someone would equate having the technical capabilities for an operation with actually doing it…Are they deranged?”

“Luckily, an army corps commander summoning a mere major is extremely rare. Exceptional though it was, it meant there was a chance he might have to summon this monster again someday…Doing his best not to look directly at the monster straightening her posture in front of him, the army corps commander accepted that it was for work and met her.”

“The principles behind the actions of this major in front of him were impossible to understand using anyone’s logic or emotions. Her inorganic eyes compelled you to conclude that her thoughts, her frameworks, her way of being were all warped.”

This guy keeps going on and on more than I have here, tbh he’s one of Tanya’s main haters. It’s fine Tanya, it’s only the guy in charge of Western Army Command, who listens to him?

“I hope no one noticed that I just flinched, thought the army corps commander, sensing that he was distinctly afraid of her…No worries about what? He deeply wanted to ask what she was planning to do, but he held back. He told himself it was surely better not to know…But there is probably no one more suited to being a soldier than you. Perhaps you feel at home in hell on the Rhine front.”

V3/C5

“The Western Army Group declined to evaluate her, saying her good and bad points neutralized each other, so it was difficult to rate her. Furthermore, she had attempted to resist orders.”

Implied Future View of Tanya/The Parable of the Salamander

V4/C5

“From what I heard, the Salamander is adorable and very clever. If you show it affection, it’ll get attached to you. Like a German shepherd, it can become a trustworthy member of the family. Sometimes it begs or plays tricks, but apparently, everyone ends up overlooking these things. Of course, Mrs. Legen grew angry and screamed that it went too far, but…Well, in the end, everyone doted on the Salamander. Because when it’s even more reliable than a German shepherd, how could you not? At some point, though, the Salamander’s requests and pranks grew to be too much. But what do you think happened when no one was sympathetic to dependable Mrs. Legen, who had continued to angrily scold it the whole time? That’s right. No one was able to stop the Salamander! Of course, the Salamander loved and cherished everyone. But sadly, there was no one to teach it right from wrong. So the Salamander never realized that everyone disliked it. Soon it had exhausted everyone’s patience.” <= for reference, Tanya commands the Salamander Kampfgruppe; this is told as a cautionary tale that Andrew says circulates throughout the future Empire.

Your Author’s Take on Tanya’s Reputation vs Reality

The above should have real-world implications for Tanya’s personal life as far as friends, and for her career both within and beyond the military once the war is over, because, you know, people talk. Anyone who phones up an old pal because said old pal had some quality time with Tanya and they’re curious what she’s like is probably not going to receive a glowing personal recommendation, and the higher up those people are in society, the worse it is likely to be. 

Even for people who think she has a genius applicable beyond the military sphere, outside of extreme circumstances people generally don’t want to employ anyone, no matter how smart, who is known for being unpredictable, uncontrollable, arrogant in the extreme, abusive towards coworkers, manipulative, possibly just straight up evil, etc etc. Within the military, after the war I would expect her to be hampered by the fact that a lot of people won’t want to work with her unless there’s a really pressing reason they need her skillset.

I can’t believe I’m bringing this show up from years past, but she’s sort of in the same position as Dr. House from the TV show - famously talented; famously toxic in the workplace; only one place will employ him, and at a much lower salary than his reputation should command, and even so, thinking that he could get away with that in real life is pushing the suspension of disbelief for the show. The same goes with friendships - very few well-adjusted adults are willing to befriend The Cool Asshole in real life.

When it does happen IRL, those relationships usually aren’t healthy & happy, and can easily end up with borderline-emotionally-abusive undertones because the follower is afraid of losing the leader, and molds themselves to fit what the other person wants so as to be an unchallenging, uncritical presence in the life of their idol.

For a story about an adult man reincarnated as a young girl fighting in magical WW1.5, YS manages to put a surprisingly interesting twist on the Main Character is a Cool Asshole Without Consequences model, with Tanya getting away with it in the present due to extreme circumstances, not realizing that the war is the only reason she’s getting away with it, and facing many implied future consequences for it.

While it’s entirely possible and often completely necessary to handwave Tanya overcoming this for storytelling purposes, as you can’t go many places story-wise if Tanya is as screwed as it sounds like she’s going to be, standard reality is that she’s gonna need to do some serious legwork to dig herself out of the hole she’s in, both personally and professionally. 

I appreciate that the crux of a good Tanya story is often Tanya thinking normal reality will apply to her but then bypassing normal reality to end up somewhere she never intended on being, much to her chagrin, and readers therefore may feel adhering to realism violates the reality of Tanyaverse. 

For the purposes of this story, I have chosen to stick with where the preponderance of evidence leads and apply a good amount of normal reality to Tanya, because that is exactly what allows me to proceed along a different avenue of Tanya misunderstanding things and ending up somewhere she never intended on being, keeping to the spirit of Tanya stories. Plus, Tanya doesn’t seem very intent on growing as a person in the absence of consequences and I need my character growth drivers.

...and I can’t avoid admitting I still end up handwaving some portion of those consequences for Tanya, since, as stated above, it’s...hard to go anywhere with a story if you don’t.

[gondowan]

Over Your Shoulder

Pairing: Paz Viszla x f!Reader

You're used to working for others. As a freelance armstech, you flit from contract to contract, never staying too long in one place. Although the freelancer life is fun, you kind of wish you could trade it all for a little bit of stability. As the maker would have it, that stability shows up in the form of one (1) Paz Viszla.

Tags/Warnings: nothing right now, but future loving degradation, Good Communication Is My Kink, daddy kink, and other sexy consensual shenangians. Reader has slight self esteem issues.

Notes: I haven’t written for fun in forever, but new year new me! If you know me in real life never bring this up because I will combust lol. I was going to fire off a brief smutty one-shot pwp thing but of course I couldn’t resist adding ~ b a c k s t o r y ~ so here you go. Subsequent updates will probably just be pwp.

Chapter 1: All The Grass is Greener Everywhere You Look

Nervousness, you assumed, was a regular feeling for anyone who was newly married. Doubly so for the new spouse of a Mandalorian. Unlike the rest of the galaxy where marriage vows were somewhat loose, Mandalorians took their vows very seriously. Forever, generally meant, forever.

Your relationship with Paz Viszla was strange in and of itself. As a freelance armstech, you hopped from planet to planet offering your repair services, never staying in any one place for too long. While on Bothawui, you had let slip to a client that you were headed to Nevarro next. Greef Karga, the head of the Guild, had put you on a retainer for services to guild members for a few cycles. The pay was good, and he had promised you a steady supply of commissions from the local bounty hunters who frequented Nevarro in need of new weapons and repairs on top of the already nice stipend.

The Bothan, a short humanoid by the name of Eesk, perked up when you mentioned Nevarro, and the next day he came over as you were on your way to the spaceport.

“Can I ask a favor? Do you mind making a delivery for me while on Nevarro?” he asked, pulling a datapad out from his robes.

You looked up, eyes narrowing. Bothans were famous for their information network, and were instrumental to the destruction of the first Death Star, but still, you were understandably nervous. “ Eesk, I’m not interested in looking for trouble. I don’t need the New Republic or any Imp remnant breathing down my neck for delivering that for you,” you said.

Eesk laughed, “Relax, I promise you this isn’t serious. Just deliver this to a Mandalorian on Nevarro. It’s nothing classified, I’m just returning a favor for a friend,”. He slid over a stack of credits. “I’d take it to him myself, but unfortunately I’m held up on New Republic business”.

You reached over and tucked the datapad into your bag along with the credits, “Fine, but you owe me”.

“Next time you’re here, drinks on me.” he said as he walked away.

It was only until you had boarded the transport ship that you realized Eesk had never actually told you were to meet this Mandalorian. ‘Oh well,’ you thought, ‘he’s not getting these credits back’. You leaned your head against the wall of the ship, tired from hauling all of your luggage to the spaceport, and fell asleep.

You were three standard weeks into your contract with Greef Karga and the Guild, and still no Mandalorian had shown up to collect the datapad. It was nice to be somewhat settled in one place for longer than a week, and you had enjoyed the steady stream of work. You had also learned from Karga that the Mandalorian covert scattered from Nevarro, and he hadn’t seen one in a while. For all of their information trafficking and spy network, perhaps Eesk had gotten it wrong for once, and you didn’t really care to ask. After all, it would be nigh impossible to miss a person wearing head to toe armor, especially on Nevarro.

One morning, as you had returned from your walk to the lava plains, you discovered the door to your apartment was unlocked. Strange. Not a good sign. None of your alarms were triggered either. Carefully, you pulled your blaster out its holster before quietly pushing the door open.

“There you are. Been looking all over for you.”

A large man, clad in blue armor and covered in more weapons per square inch that any other being you had ever seen, sat next to your workstation. Despite the blaster pointed at him, he seemed unperturbed, posture open and relaxed.

“What do you want?” you asked, blaster raised, "You picked the wrong house to rob,". You had fended off your fair share of robberies, the expensive equipment you lugged around as an armstech was attractive to petty thieves, and not cheap.

“The datapad.” he said.

“I take it you’re the Mandalorian that Eesk spoke about.”

“Correct,”.

You rummage through your toolkit and dust off the datapad. “Here you go Mr. Mandalorian, although I suggest next time you knock during business hours. Breaking and entering is reserved for long term partners, and you haven’t even bought me a drink yet”. You wince a little inwardly, maybe this dry spell was affecting you more than you thought.

You tap the edge of the datapad on the Mandalorian’s chest plate. “Oh and you might want to get the blaster strapped to your thigh checked, those scorch marks are usually a bad sign,”.

The blue hunk of armor stood up and took the datapad from you. “Thank you for this,” he rumbled before heading out the door.

“Ah, so you do have manners,” you teased before moving to shut the door.

You can’t see the expression on his face, but you hear the huff of a laugh through his modulator accompanied with a shake of his shoulders.

You were pretty sure you’d never see him again.

Wrong.

The next day right as you returned from dropping off a box of repaired pistols, there he was again, blue armor and blank expressionless helmet, sitting in the same spot next to your workstation.

“Can you fix it?” he asked.

You gaped at him for a second, before remembering the comment you made yesterday. “I can take a look,”. You cross over to your workstation, turning on the light and the magnifying glass and grabbing your toolkit. It was an easy but time-consuming fix, and you quickly busied yourself with disassembling the rifle.

“You’re not from Nevarro,”. A question, posed as a statement.

You didn’t look up, “Nope, I’m just passing through.” Hmm, that power cell did not look too good.

“Where is home for you?”

“Nowhere,” you said matter-of-factly as you tinkered away, “Like most people, the Clone Wars and the Empire destroyed what little of a childhood I had. Got taken in by a kind armstech who taught me the trade, and now I hop from planet to planet making a living. What about you? I heard about what happened to the Mandalorians on this planet,”.

“Also nowhere,” the man grunted, and he remained quiet. You finished your work, and handed him the blaster, butt end first.

“You owe me two drinks now, breaking into my place like that.”

He took the blaster from you, two gloved finger tips drawing a line from the middle of your forearm down your wrist. An unnecessary movement, he could’ve just taken the blaster. You gulped. He put the gun back in its holster and leaned forward.

“I might, if you ask nicely. I saw the way you sized me up the first time,”.

You swallowed, mouth going dry. “It’s uh, part of my line of work. Gotta make sure everyone’s packing-- I mean, everyone’s weapons are in tip top shape.” Your stupid lizard brain, at it again.

He cocked his head to the side, “I’m sure it is,” the mirth evident in his tone.

Every evening thereafter, the blue Mandalorian showed up at your doorstep, a new weapon in hand for you to look at. It was nice, you had to admit to yourself. A consistency in your otherwise inconsistent life, and you grew to enjoy his company. What you couldn’t handle however, was the escalating tension between the two of you. He would occasionally stand behind you, his big, all-encompassing frame brushing up against your back, and lean over you to ask about this or that. The first time you thought it was an accident, but then he followed up with an oh-so-casual touch of your wrist, and you were pretty sure it was on purpose, but you also couldn’t tell if that was wishful thinking on your part. Occasionally the two of you would strike up a conversation, but for the most part he sat in a comfortable silence while you worked. When he came over the fourth night, large gattling gun in tow, you decided it was high time to try to get to know him better.

“Uh...would you like to stay for dinner?”, eyes looking down on the (ancient) gattling gun, trying to keep your voice light.

He paused and shook his head “I can’t,”.

Oh, an immediate shut down. Great. Well it was worth a shot.

“Not for the reason you think. I can’t remove my helmet in the presence of others, that’s part of the creed,”.

That made a lot of sense. You hadn’t come across many Mandalorians in your travels, but all of them were rather cagey about their armor and helmet. You had assumed it was due to the value of beskar, but this was the first time you had heard about this creed.

You looked up at him. “Don’t you ever get lonely?” you blurted out, the words forming on your tongue before your brain could shut you down. “Nevermind-- I’m sorry I-”

He interjected, “Sometimes. There are some exceptions though,”.

You leaned forward. “Such as?”.

A pause. He stepped forward, tipping your chin up with a finger.

“ Would you care to find out?”

Ch 2 here

[dwellordream]

“Critics of Chaucer's Troilus and Criseyde tend to regard the eponymous female character as either the tale's victim or its villain. Those subscribing to the latter position consider Criseyde cagey, devious, and self-centered. In their view, Chaucer creates a character who fits within the "power of women" topos, in which a wily woman effects a worthy man's ruin. During the Middle Ages, "sermons, treatises, instruction manuals, poetry and romances included lists of celebrated men who were brought low by the apparently irresistible power of women and their sexuality." Critics of Troilus and Criseyde argue by analogy when they regard Troilus as suffering such a fate at the hands of his love. They imply that since most medieval writers portray women as manipulative black-widow figures bent on destroying men, Chaucer must have done so as well. For example, D. W. Robertson, Jr., notes that, for Criseyde, "the mastery of a man like Troilus, a man of prowess and renown, a prince, and a handsome prince at that, would be quite an achievement."

Winthrop Wetherbee also emphasizes the virtues of the ill-fated Trojan prince and stresses that, no matter how interesting we may find the duplicitous Criseyde, we cannot admire her, for she remains "incapable of anything like the integrity or aspiration of Troilus." These critics, whom Carolyn Dinshaw describes as "masculine readers" of the text, create the impression that Chaucer has fabricated a terrifying, power-hungry figure in Criseyde. She emerges as less a woman than a monstrous, near-masculine, abomination, the incarnation of the Medusa myth that Helene Cixous regards as the traditional literary stereotype used to describe an indomitable female character. Dinshaw attributes this view of Criseyde to the critics as well as to Chaucer: "Masculine reading in Troilus and Criseyde is dominated at last by a desire to contain instability, carnal appetite - those things that... medieval writers (and their descendants, modern critics) associate with femina."

In an effort to counteract this ominous image of Criseyde, Dinshaw and other feminist critics have repositioned Chaucer's heroine as the tale's victim. They see Criseyde as the polar opposite of the conniving character imagined by the text's "masculine readers," regarding her instead as an emblem of passive femininity whose submissive nature makes her vulnerable to the machinations of ruthless men. Angela Jane Weisl, for instance, views the hapless heroine as "invaded by male power," and Catherine Cox regards the consummation scene as tantamount to rape. Focusing upon Criseyde's unfortunate position as a beautiful woman trapped in a society that treats her and all women like "commodities to be traded," Dinshaw exculpates Criseyde for her seemingly callous treatment of Troilus. Far from being fickle, Criseyde, in favoring Diomede, selflessly works to further her nation's male-dictated agenda. In Dinshaw's view, Criseyde is merely a pawn of the Trojan patriarchy, a bargaining chip used to establish a temporary truce.

These critics may succeed in exonerating Criseyde; however, they also succeed in making her much less interesting. Stripped of any motives of her own, Criseyde becomes a mere automaton, and the reader's interest shifts to the men who manipulate her. Unwittingly perhaps, feminist critics, by curtailing Criseyde's agency, diminish her significance. They too sacrifice Criseyde, flattening her character and transforming her into a type, another example of the endlessly suffering woman who must endure countless indignities at the hands of callous men. Readers, however, need not relegate Criseyde to the status of victim in order to redeem her character. Criseyde, certainly, does not view herself as a passive pawn, and this essay attempts to read the events comprising Troilus and Criseyde from her point of view, a perspective that has often been slighted by critics intent upon examining the agenda of her nation or the psyche of her lover.

Criseyde's actions, for instance, indeed may be constrained by her nation's perilous position, but so are those of her male counterparts. Even valiant Hector finds himself powerless to gainsay the people's will when they decide to trade Criseyde for Antenor, for the lords make the compelling argument that the Trojans desperately need more manpower in order to rid themselves of the Greeks who have relentlessly plagued the besieged town (IV, 176-96). The council ignores Hector's angry protests and enjoins him to set aside his ideals, exclaiming "'O Ector, lat tho fantasies be!'" (IV, 193). Troilus also feels constrained by his nation's plight. He so fears the opprobrium of his father and of Parliament should he strive to rescue Criseyde from her awful fate that he is rendered impotent, unable to make even the slightest effort to effect his love's salvation (IV, 540-67).

Criseyde, however, does try to wield power, albeit within the narrow scope granted her. She lays the ground rules for her affair with Troilus, for instance (III, 169-75), and she constantly engages in activities such as reading and writing that Cixous regards as potentially subversive to patriarchal society. Unlike Troilus, she displays great confidence in her own abilities and plots to bring about her safe return to Troy without her lover's help (IV, 1296-1414). As her uncle Pandarus understands, his niece admires men of action, men like heroic Hector who value their individuality and refuse to let challenges daunt them. Such men strive to follow their own moral code and often refuse to conform when they believe that they have judged correctly and society has erred. Hector, for example, does not shy away from offering Criseyde his protection, although such an offer might be viewed with disfavor among those incensed at her father's treacherous act (1,117-23).

Nor does he readily succumb to the chorus of voices demanding Criseyde's exchange for Antenor but, rather, continues to protest passionately against such a maneuver up until the very moment when Parliament seals the Trojan beauty’s fate: For which delibered was by parlement For Antenor to yelden out Criseyde,/And it pronounced by the president, Altheigh that Ector "nay" ful of te preyde. (IV, 211-14) Criseyde attempts to appropriate this heroic ethos for herself, believing firmly that the challenges she will face in her attempt to escape the Greeks will prove far from insurmountable. By the end of the poem, however, Criseyde has recognized finally that the man for whom she is willing to risk her life lacks the qualities of a hero, qualities that she believes she herself possesses and qualities that she had once thought Troilus held in abundance, making her fall in love with him. She now realizes that her lover does not share her faith in the heroic ideal and that his earlier heroic stance was nothing more than a pose, part of his attempt to make her engage with him in the game of courtly love.

Laura Howes believes that "Chaucer is often his most critical of established social and literary systems when he appears his most conventional." Even though the poet fashions Criseyde as a strong-willed woman, his poem does not represent a straightforward rendition of the "power of women" topos. Instead, Chaucer uses this convention to expose the hypocrisy embedded in courtly love, a system in which the male lover feigns to cede power to a lady only ultimately to subjugate her. Chaucer employs the "power of women" motif subversively to create an image of a self-determined, desiring woman, who yearns for a wholesome, natural sexual relationship - a relationship not tainted by the artifice of courtly conventions - and who refuses to be transformed into the passive receptacle of a male lover's passion.

…The first time Troilus sets his eyes upon her, Criseyde displays her strong-willed nature. When Troilus ogles her, the Trojan beauty flashes him a look that implies "What, may I nat stonden here?" (I, 292). Her haughty attitude is not only bold but also rash, for she, the daughter of a traitor, refuses to submit to the gaze of a king's son. Criseyde misinterprets Troilus's behavior, regarding it not as prompted by her beauty but, rather, as offering a challenge concerning her right to participate in Troy's public domain. She fears that this prince might not share his brother Hector's generous attitude concerning her status as a citizen of Troy. Unlike Troilus, at this moment her thoughts revolve not around the possibility of a love affair but, rather, the ramifications of the ongoing Greek siege and her father's subsequent defection. Critics often stress Criseyde's meek and fearful nature, but in this instance Chaucer depicts her as a brave woman indeed, holding her head proudly in the public sphere and refusing to show shame for her father's misdeeds.

Chaucer makes her audacious behavior all the more striking by having it follow the narrator's assertion that Criseyde stands as the very emblem of femininity (I, 281-87). One would expect such a woman to accept passively Troilus's stares, to blush perhaps, and bow her head, but not to gaze unabashedly back. Criseyde may seem feminine, but she displays an inclination to behave in a masculine manner. She resembles Portia in Shakespeare's Julius Caesar, who possesses a "man's mind, but a woman's might." By juxtaposing Criseyde's feminine appearance with her bold behavior, Chaucer suggests Criseyde may possess a masculine spirit as well, and, indeed, the narrator describes her as "nevere lasse mannyssh in semynge" (I, 284, emphasis added). The author's use of the word "semynge" indicates that Criseyde's femininity relates only to her surface, her good looks.

Criseyde's exquisite appearance belies her true nature as a woman who cherishes her autonomy and will not readily succumb to a man's will. Before Pandarus presses Troilus's suit upon her, Criseyde lives peacefully in a predominately feminine realm. Weisl stresses that Calchas 's defection leaves his daughter fearful and vulnerable: "Calchas' exit at night through the walls of Troy is the first event of Troilus and Criseyde; in the vacuum of power created by his absence stands Criseyde, 'wel neigh out of hir wit for sorvve and fere' (I, 108)." Criseyde, however, loses no time in recruiting Hector as her defender, recognizing that she needs to protect both herself and her feminine retinue. Her decision to appeal to Hector represents her first act as a matriarch and emerges as a deed of heroic proportions, for she has not only her own interest but also the interest of the members of her household in mind.

She recognizes the peril of her position and approaches the Trojan prince with all the tact of a skilled diplomat engaged in a dangerous and urgent mission. Using her feminine appearance to her advantage, she dresses in "widewes habit large of samyt broun" (I, 109) to underscore that she too has been betrayed by her father's duplicity. Her wretchedness as well as her loveliness move the noble prince to pity her plight, and she elicits his oath that no harm will befall her as long as she resides in Troy (I, 113-26). Further, Hector promises to protect Calchas’s daughter without demanding any favor in return, revealing that Criseyde has played the role of a chaste, and hence untouchable, widow with consummate skill.

Once Criseyde assures herself of Hector's staunch but laissez-faire support, she finds her father's desertion a boon. Unlike Calchas, whose arbitrary behavior toward his daughter in calling her to the Greek camp indicates the power he holds over her, Hector leaves Criseyde alone, free to pursue her own will. Thus, her father's defection enables Criseyde to enjoy finally her widowed state. Judith Bennett notes that for many medieval women, widowhood emerged as the first time since their marriage that they could exert a measure of control over their own fortunes. For instance, these women often would serve as managers of their deceased spouses' estates, a role Criseyde may assume finally after her father abandons Troy.

Criseyde revels in her newfound autonomy, exulting that she now stands "unteyd in lusty leese" (II, 752) without a husband to "Chek mat" her every move (II, 754). Criseyde's use of this metaphor to describe her marriage offers more evidence of her steely will; she had not been a woman who meekly obeyed her husband's every whim. Criseyde's allusion to chess also reveals that she thinks of herself in martial terms. Freed from both her husband's and her father's control, she no longer considers herself the passive, acted-upon king but rather a powerful and potent player. Her situation resembles that of Binx Boiling's aunt in Walker Percy's The Moviegoer, who "with her illustrious brothers dead and gone might now at last become what they [her brothers] had been and as a woman had been denied her": her family's champion.

As mentioned, Chaucer depicts Criseyde's household as comprised entirely of women. Such an image evokes the realm of the Amazons, a society to which Chaucer alludes in the Knight's Tale. The poet depicts these women's pursuits as potentially subversive to patriarchal culture. Pandarus, for instance, finds Criseyde and her companions sitting together listening to a tale, a common entertainment for aristocratic women of Chaucer's day; however, these ladies do not listen to a romance but rather to a "geste" concerning "the siege of Thebes" (II, 83-84). They represent a cluster of women reading about the actions of men - they are feminine readers of a masculine text, the epic. Criseyde's choice of reading material reveals her intellectual curiosity as well as her attachment to the heroic ideal. She wishes to understand the workings of the public domain and to grasp the significance of her nation's own war. Additionally, as a woman who likens herself to a figure in chess, she senses, perhaps, a connection between herself and these legendary heroes and looks to their tales for inspiration for her own bold deeds.”

- Mary Behrman, “Heroic Criseyde.”

[passionate-reply]

Have you and Telex met somewhere before? If not, you may want to make their acquaintance. This delightfully irreverent Belgian electro-disco trio came in next to last at 1980′s Eurovision Song Contest. And then they did an album featuring English lyrics by Sparks’ Ron and Russel Mael! Find out all about what makes this record tick, in this week’s installment of Great Albums. Full transcript below the break...

Welcome to Passionate Reply, and welcome to Great Albums! It’s time to break outside the Anglosphere, and take a look at one of the finest synth-pop acts to come from Belgium: the irreverent post-disco trio of Telex. Telex were, in fact, so European that they were sent to that most European of institutions, the Eurovision Song Contest, in the year 1980, in what was perhaps their finest hour in the spotlight.

Music: “Eurovision”

While many contemporary listeners may find “Eurovision” amusing, it actually didn’t go over well in the contest itself, and Telex managed to place second to last on behalf of the Belgian people, losing even the (arguably) more illustrious last place to Finland. It was one of the earliest true “joke entries,” so perhaps the masses weren’t ready for this approach yet. Despite its generally upbeat sound, I think the lyrics of “Eurovision” come across as really quite harsh--and the song’s availability in both English and French meant that plenty of people understood them. Mocking the financial instability of Italy and, apparently, anyone dumb enough to tune into Eurovision, there’s really a rather condescending, perhaps even cruel, sensibility about it. A conspicuous reference to the Berlin Wall, a symbol of some of Europe’s deepest divisions and greatest political turmoil, gives it an extra nudge towards feeling rather contextually inappropriate. Telex’s “Eurovision” might just be the most cynical or anti-European song ever entered...at least up until Hatari of Iceland gave us the thunderous industrial anthem “Hatrið Mun Sigra,” in 2019.

Telex’s follow-up to this “incident” is, in my opinion, where their career starts to really get interesting. While it isn’t that heavily advertised, 1981’s Sex was actually something of a collaboration album, featuring English-language lyrics on all tracks which were contributed by Ron and Russell Mael of Sparks. Given the recent resurgence of interest in Sparks spurred by Edgar Wright’s documentary on them, I figure now is as good a time as ever to revisit this somewhat lesser-known work in the Sparks catalogue--or, at least, with one foot in the Sparks catalogue.

In my opinion, Sex takes the better aspects of both of these groups and combines them into something that feels like more than the sum of its parts. Telex’s soft, yet sprightly synth arrangements have as much fun and flair as those of fellow Sparks collaborator Giorgio Moroder, and feel more substantive and organic than Sparks’ many attempts to play with various genres in which they remained outsider dilettantes. Likewise, the Mael brothers’ lyricism is a major improvement to the often clunky English offered by previous efforts by the Belgians. Recontextualized amidst a sea of dreamy Euro-pop, and delivered by Telex’s suave yet unassuming vocalist Michel Moers, the same style of lyricism that often makes Sparks feel crass and overwrought to me becomes transmuted into something I’m much more amenable to. Much like Devo, I’ve often found the “smartest guys in the room” vibe of Sparks a bit off-putting, but Sex has a certain subtlety or ambiguity about it, that keeps me coming back and pondering it.

Music: “Dummy”

The feel-good, squelching bass grooves of “Dummy” recall the most affable work of the seminal Yellow Magic Orchestra, and a falsetto hook that’s to die for marks it as one of the more pop-oriented tracks on the album. Had it stopped at “Dummy, hey, I’m talking to you,” it would be not only less interesting musically, but also conceptually; the overt questioning, “now who’s the dumb one?”, rescues it from simply being mean. I like to think it calls to mind the archetype of the fool who is constantly vocally doubting the intelligence of others, in an attempt to cover for their own insecurities. While it’s a comparatively simple track, lyrically, it establishes some of the album’s most important themes, portraying traditional “intelligence” as mutable, and perhaps questionable. Despite its appeal, “Dummy” was actually not included on the original tracklisting of the album, but rather debuted as the B-side to the single “Brainwash,” before receiving this promotion in later revisions of the LP. In this rare case, I actually think the later edition is superior, and it’s the one I’d recommend.

Music: “Brainwash”

Besides just sharing opposite sides of the same single, there’s also a strong thematic connection between “Dummy” and the slower-paced, narrative-driven “Brainwash.” Arguably the most high-concept track to be had on Sex, “Brainwash” tells the tale of an intellectual who willingly forfeits his intelligence for the sake of falling in love. That, in and of itself, is a take on the love song that I’ve never heard before. We all know the trope that being in love makes one stupid--our word “infatuation” is basically Latin for “being made stupid.” But “Brainwash” suggests that, given the choice, we might well be better off as fools rushing in. What good is a life full of knowledge if it is one without passion, and deeper humanity? The narrator of “Brainwash” seems fully cognizant of what they abandon, and makes an informed decision to do so. But what complicates things even further is the development that the object of the narrator’s affections seems desperate to make them regain their prior book smarts--perhaps a commentary on how society frames this issue, and its willingness to prioritize the prestige of education over genuine human happiness. The single “Haven’t We Met Somewhere Before?” explores a related, but also distinct tension between knowledge and happiness.

Music: “Haven’t We Met Somewhere Before?”

Moreso than anything else on the album, “Haven’t We Met Somewhere Before?” is really sort of harrowing. Moers’s falsetto feels less like a fun disco aftershock and more like a cry of pain, and the stilted melody and more brash synthesiser stabs establish an air of unease--though still not so strong that it feels out of place alongside lighter tracks like “Brainwash.” Its lyrical narrative is plainly a tragic one, with a narrator who thinks he’s encountered his wife, but can’t quite piece it together, or get the response that he’s looking for. It’s evocative of the very real agony a sufferer of dementia and their loved ones might face, losing their memories, and, with them, their connection to the people around them. But perhaps the most eerie thing about the track is that it never does dip into more maudlin territory, even if it feels like it ought to. In the full context of the album, and particularly the sentiment expressed by “Brainwash,” we’re forced to question just how unfortunate the tale expressed in this song is. Perhaps “Haven’t We Met Somewhere Before?” is also suggesting that love is more powerful than knowledge, in its own way. Perhaps the characters it presents have transcended the need for knowledge of their shared history, because their bond is deeper and more primal than that? Similarly subversive questions about love are also posed by “Exercise Is Good For You.”

Music: “Exercise Is Good For You”

With a pleasingly abrasive, textured synth line and a rather singable refrain, “Exercise Is Good For You” is the one track cut from the later version of the album that I do find myself missing. This track’s narrator has devoted themselves to exercising--perhaps over-exercising--in the wake of a bad break-up. At first blush, it may seem a bit absurd, but this is a real-life coping mechanism, and one that can potentially be quite dangerous, particularly as it’s often combined with eating disorders. The potential for peril is compounded by the notion that, well, “exercise is good for you,” and that in a world where too few of us partake, anyone who does must be doing the best for their health. While it doesn’t deal with the realm of knowledge, I do think “Exercise Is Good For You” works in a similar space as tracks like “Brainwash” and “Haven’t We Met Somewhere Before?” do, offering an ambiguous narrative that asks us to question something we habitually value--in this case, by portraying the apparent virtue of physical fitness in a darker and less healthy light.

Earlier, I referred to this album simply as Sex, but for the UK market, it was re-christened Birds & Bees. There is obviously something quite transgressive and irreverent about naming a pop album “Sex”! We like to think of pop music as trading chiefly in themes of love and romance, so the title Sex functions as a bit of a “low blow,” suggesting that we ought to think more cynically about “what’s really going on below.” Despite this, there’s really not a lot of terribly bawdy tracks to be had on either version of the album, which may come as some surprise if you’re familiar with their early track “Pakmoväst.” I think the fact that the album title was changed, and seemingly “censored” with the very knowing title Birds & Bees, only adds to its transgressiveness, and lends it a certain allure of the forbidden.

You won’t find birds or bees on the cover of the album, however, but rather a butterfly, feeding off the nectar of two large flowers. It’s certainly an image that can be read as evocative of sensuality, with yonic visual overtones. Perhaps more overtly offensive to the eye is its queasy, dull yellow colour scheme, which is actually much more stuck in the 70s than the rather sharp and with-it electro-disco stylings of the music.

Historically, the butterfly is often used as a symbol of innocence, particularly with respect to the carnal knowledge of sex. In François Gérard’s depiction of the mythological heroine Psyche, a butterfly hovers above the subject, as she receives her first kiss from her lover, Cupid, a god of lust and sexual desire. The suggestion of youthful innocence is only heightened when the title Birds & Bees is applied. We might also consider the similarity between the idea of naivete or innocence as a virtue, and the apparent thrust of tracks like “Brainwash,” which also challenge the utility and benefit of knowledge about the world.

Telex would go on to release three more LPs after this one, and while they never quite surpassed a cult following, they keep up with the times quite respectably, incorporating sampling and digital synth textures without losing their signature levity and playfulness. I think they’re well worth a listen if you’re interested so far.

Music: “Raised By Snakes”

My favourite track on this album is one that’s exclusive to the later release, and never appeared anywhere else: “Mata Hari,” which was not only added to the album, but given the prominent position as its opening track. Mata Hari was actually a real person, a courtesan famous for her exotic dances inspired by her time in the Dutch East Indies. But she became caught up in the political storm of the First World War, and the French government convicted her of spying for the Germans--even though many believed she was framed. After her execution for the alleged crime, her severed head was embalmed and displayed in a Parisian museum, for all to gawk at...until it mysteriously went missing, possibly stolen by an “admirer.” It’s a strange and tragic tale, for sure, and one suitably treated with a sense of mystery and uncertainty by the song. An undoubtedly complex and controversial figure, Mata Hari can be seen as a symbol of European disunity, not unlike the Berlin Wall, as well as a representation of sensuality used for devious and destructive ends. I think this track enriches the album’s themes while also feeling somewhat separate, with its more pensive mood and third-person lyricism. That’s everything for today--thanks, as always, for listening!

Music: “Mata Hari”

[af1899]

FEH - Seasonal banner for Nov/2021 + thoughts and hype

(Link to trailer)

So, guess I was right in the end about my guesses on the silhouettes, anyway, we have the full ninja banner revealed here, thoughts, reactions and identity of free unit and banner right below the cut!

(Thoughts on datamine stuff will be shared on a separate post!)

The free unit

It's going to be...

Shamir!

She's going to be... yet another infantry axe unit... I swear, I.S. just seems to like these and infantry red tomes for no reason, they're being uncreative here.

Anyway, this is her kit:

Eugh... [Atk/Spd 2]? Last unit that introduced it was Hot Springs Camilla back in early 2019, and she has it at 5★, Nephenee offers it in the regular pool, you'd like to replace that soon as possible, it's not a great skill on its own, and can even work a little on really specific cases. [Atk/Spd Solo 3] or something similar would certainly be much better, but whatever, at least it can be replaced just fine, and should incentivate any Shamir fans like me to invest on her rather than foddering her for anything valuable.

[Shuriken Cleaver+] is a good weapon on its own, it trades the speed boost that [Ninja Masakari+] from Ninja Hana gives for true damage (the escalable fixed extra you can get and that cannot be reduced unless the foe is fast enough to work around the speed check). The rest of her kit is okay, it's clear it primes her for damage, but it kind of makes her rely on having allies nearby, you might definitely like to rework on something from the ground.

Her statline is going to be revealed soon, but it's possible it'll be a slightly improved and optimized Ninja Hana, in which case, skills that boost attack and speed then add {damage reduction} like [Spurn 3] would be awesome in that case.

Reactions and thoughts on banner

I'll be as brief as I can, it's just an easy skip... mostly, this is because I hardly see anything of value to pick a backup color, but I'm interested on one of the units: Igrene; I've really grown to like her, but I'll leave any talk for a possible future appreciation post, since this isn't the topic I should talk about in here.

Anyway, I do love her artwork and she seems fun to use, I'd definitely pull for her since I like her characterization, but "should I?" No, definitely not, I'm still low on savings as a result of pulling for Legendary Fae, Malice and Erinys/Jill, I still have like a little less than 100 [Orbs], but it still isn't a really good call to pull either.

But still, I'll say something I'm sure of:

I'm so excited about these two! 😍👏🏻

I definitely love the artwork and the previews promise, and even though I'm no fan of design inconsistency, I definitely admire Cuboon's work, their take on Igrene is as gorgeous as ever.

Shamir definitely looks pretty interesting, having her ninja uniform based on her original clothes, can't wait to see the full artwork and the name of the artist!

The banner itself is mostly a copy paste from last year's in terms of gameplay, Igrene is probably the most worrysome unit in the banner, since she can fly and has strong offenses, plus being colorless which makes her harder to get in disadvantage, but that can also be her weakness. What's more, I don't think she'll plague the meta, she's strong and potentially highly mobile, but she can't chain the same amount of movement as Halloween Nowi with her refine, and she's still going to be a frail unit with a myriad of counters and ways to bait her off.

It's worth noting we have [Special Spiral 3] on a seasonal semi-demote, which is pretty neat as this skill is kinda rare and has a bunch of useful applications.

About: bonus units and [Sacred Seals]

These are our bonus units, definitely going to use Shamir, since I like her a lot and she's my only bonus unit here! But I'd absolutely love to get Ninja Igrene someday.

Also, our [Sacred Seals] will be: [Atk/Res Form] and [Ward Beasts].

The former will have some uses but it's not particularly essential to upgrade, the latter is even less useful as it's a tad too specific and situational, but at least you won't need to upgrade it.

Anyway, that's it for now

I'm waiting on datamine to talk some more, about Summer Tana's refine and lightly about the rest, plus Ninja Shamir's stats and build plans!

[a-solitary-marshmallow]

Please Don’t See Me - Chapter 14/14

“FORD!”

The scientist in question snatched his hand back, just before the carnivorous plant he had been studying snapped at him with a second slime-coated mouth. A second mouth! It was located under the bulbous head’s primary maw, smaller but sharing the larger one’s distinctive jutting spines that seemed to function like teeth – hooked back to prevent prey from getting away. The infant plant was only as long as his forearm but when it was fully-grown the secondary mouth could easily be large enough to pick up small mammals from the forest floor, maybe even large raccoons or the occasional gnome.

Hmm. They might make for good pest control. Ford studied where the plant’s stem met the forest floor, trying to ascertain how deep the roots ran. If he could get his hands on a pair of good, sturdy gloves for protection he might be able to replant it in a pot and take it back to his lab for further testing. That would certainly be easier than trying to run tests on the fully-grown specimens dotting the forest. How old was this one, anyway? Ford pulled out his tape measure to record its size.

Stan slapped his hand away when it neared the hissing plant. “Don’t touch it! Didn’t you just say this thing was poisonous?”

“Venomous, not poisonous.” Ford corrected.

“You know what I mean.”

Ford waved away his brother’s concerns. “Don’t worry, it’s only a juvenile. Its venom hasn’t developed enough to do any damage. The worst it’ll do is itch.”

“I still wouldn’t be touching it if I were you.” Stan said doubtfully, hunkering down next to Ford to get a good look at the creature. The plant hissed and spat at them and generally made a nuisance of itself.

Ford smirked. “Look Stanley, it’s just as friendly as you are.”

“Hey!” Stan brandished a finger in Ford’s face. “I’m a friendly guy! Just not to weird-ass plants that try to bite my brother’s hand off.”

“It’s not like you didn’t try to bite my hand off when I reached for the ice cream yesterday.”

“Fuck you Ford, I called dibs and you know it.”

Ford rolled his eyes, reaching for the spade in his pack. He’d missed the easy banter between them. It had been missing during the whole Rebus fiasco, obviously; there was only so much sarcasm a wolf could convey through its eyes alone, and only so much a scientist could babble to his canine friend without it being… just sad. Even once the brothers had reconciled, Stan’s mind restored, Ford had worried that after nearly ten years apart the differences between them were far to great to bridge.

But in seemingly no time, Ford had fallen back quickly into the habit of trading quips and joking insults, laughs and rolled eyes and body language that sometimes spoke more than words. It felt far more natural than the forced conversations he’d attempted to make during his time in college. Ford had forgotten the comfort of having his brother nearby.

Of course, an adjustment period was necessary – perhaps made longer by the added factor of Stan readjusting to having a human shape. It was rather concerning, the number of times the man would forget to cook his food and instead tear into it raw and bloody. The first time that had happened Ford had been in the kitchen as well, and he’d stared with popping eyes as Stan nonchalantly sank his teeth into a raw steak.

Stan had hesitated, chewing slowly and swallowing before speaking in his gravelly voice, not bothering to wipe away a trail of blood rolling down his chin.

“…okay, yeah, I see what I did there.”

And of course, they were wildly different people who were bound to have disagreements. It had taken Ford quite some time to convince Stan that while they may argue, he was in no danger of losing his family again. He wouldn’t be sent away, punished or abandoned again. Not while Ford was still breathing.

The plant’s hiss brought him back to the moment. Ford frowned, considering his plan of action, before settling on the plain approach. They could simply carry the thing home.

“Can you get out one of the sample bags? I want to bring this specimen to my lab and they should be large enough to hold its roots.”

Stan rifled through the pack while Ford sized up the agitated plant. He would be able to dig up the roots if the darn thing would stay still! He would have to design some kind of muzzle appropriate for two mouths when they got it back to the house.

Ford made a lunge for the creature, trapping its stalk against the ground with one hand so it couldn’t bite him as he dug up its roots. The plant snapped at him fruitlessly. Ford quickly loosened up the soil enough to lift the whole thing and settle it roots-first in the awaiting sample bag.

Stan groused at having to carry the plant all the way home (one hand gripping behind its head, obviously, to stop it from biting). The whining was pretty unfair considering Stan had demanded to carry it so he could keep an eye on the snappish thing, but Ford supposed he could appreciate the intent.

(…on the other hand, that left Ford to carry the heavy pack. He was beginning to think that this wasn’t a purely altruistic move on Stan’s part.)

“When I took the job I didn’t realize ‘research assistant’ meant ‘gardener’.”

“I don’t pay you to whine, Stanley.”

“You don’t pay me.” Stan countered.

“Oh – don’t I?” Ford could have sworn he had been. Stan tended to handle the money so Ford had just… assumed that Stan was receiving some of it. He frowned. “Why don’t I pay you?”

“’Cause I live in your house? That’s kinda payment enough.”

“No it’s not!”

“It was when you thought I was a wolf.”

Ford spluttered. “That – that’s because you were a wolf. Wolves don’t need to be paid to act as research assistants-”

“Oh, are you saying wolves don’t deserve to be paid equal wages?” Stan shook his head in mock disappointment. “Gosh, Ford. My own brother-”

“Oh, shut up! You know what I mean!”

Stan snickered. He only laughed harder when Ford punched him lightly in the shoulder, careful not to jostle the creature in his grasp.

Ford glanced at his watch, taking note of the time. At this pace they would reach home well before dark. Maybe they should take a detour to check on the size-altering crystals? Ford had covered the Warped crystal with a tarp to prevent the light reaching it, but he really should check that the covering was still in place after the blustering winds that had recently swept through. He didn’t want any unsuspecting forest life to wander into its beam.

Then again, that could wait for another day, and they had a carnivorous plant to re-house.

“…I really do need to pay you, though.” Ford muttered as they walked.

“You really don’t.” Stan shrugged. “I’m not doing anything useful anyway.”

The nonchalance with which he spoke made Ford want to sigh. Stan never acknowledged his own value or input! Ford wanted to shove it down his throat and force his brother to acknowledge that he was important, goddammit!

For the moment, he settled on arguing his point.

“Shopping for food is useful; plus, the people in town know you better than me and I’ve been living here for years, so you’re basically handling public appearance. And collecting data from my monitors is useful.”

“That’s just walking and taking readings.” Stan argued right back. “A monkey could do that data-collection stuff.”

“Babysitting Tate while Fiddleford and I are busy is useful.”

“The kid’s easy, he just wants to spend time with a dog all day.”

“Defending the house from griffins is useful.” Especially since they seemed to have it out for the Pines twins and would come by every so often with claws and beaks bared.

“You woulda just found a better way to keep ‘em away.”

Ford gritted his teeth. “You handle the money and pay the bills.”

“It’s your grant money, I just budget it.”

“Exactly! That is exactly what I should pay you for!” Ford flung up his arms in exasperation. Stan merely shrugged, and – smirked? He was enjoying Ford’s misery! “Ugh, whatever.”

Stan continued to look smug. Ford silently resolved to start paying him, even if he had to sneak the money into his brother’s bank account. Or just leave some around the house. Apparently Stan was too proud to accept payment but the guy never passed up an opportunity to take it if it was there.

“…anyway, about the whole money thing, I was thinking.” Stan mumbled, a little more subdued. Ford glanced across.

“Yes?”

“Eh – well, y’know how there are so many cool things around here? If Pa’d let us come, we woulda loved it here when we were kids.”

Ford imagined himself as a child – bright-eyed and eager to learn, marveling at everything around him – and was inclined to agree.

“And just yesterday you were sayin’ about how no one appreciates this stuff. Really, I’m kinda surprised no one’s made something of this place before, snatched it up for a tourist attraction. I was thinking that it would be pretty cool to give… tours or something?”

Ford opened his mouth but his brother was already rushing ahead, a nervous scowl affixed to his face.

“It’s all good if you don’t want me to – probably something about the scientific integrity of the place or whatever – but, it’s kinda something I’m good at. Tours, selling stuff, talking to people, that stuff. A-And I know you love teaching people about things, so if you wanted to help? Like, write up information sheets or – or do classes or whatever. Obviously I’d be spinning some yarns, that’s the fun of these places, but I know people would love to see some of the weird stuff here and actually learn about it too, so I dunno, I think it would be cool?”

All of this was said rather quickly, with few breaths taken in between, so when Stan finally ran out of things to say he took a few heavy breaths. Ford blinked and took a few moments to process this.

“Stan, are you asking my permission to open a tourist trap?”

The werewolf cringed, grip tightening fractionally around the uselessly-wriggling plant creature. “No, ‘course not. I’m just… seein’ if you’d be open to the idea.”

“Well…” Ford adjusted the straps of his pack. “So long as it doesn’t interfere with my research, I think it’s quite an interesting prospect. It would be nice to be able to share some of the things I’ve learned. If you think you can pull it off I believe you. You don’t need my permission, of course, but you certainly have my support.”

“Wait, really?”

Ford laughed as his brother perked up. That was another thing he’d had to adjust to since their reunion – canines tended to express themselves heavily through body language and Stan had apparently picked up that trait. He had no tail at the moment but from the straight posture and slight vibrating, Ford imagined it would be wagging.

“’Cause I’ve got so many ideas.” Stanley gushed. “I was thinking I could get a place set up, probably in the woods closer to town – maybe contract that lumberjack guy you talked about to built it? Anyways, I’d fill it with attractions, some of the cool shit that lives around here. Like, you know that weird-ass bird we saw the other day, the one you said we shouldn’t bother to look into?”

“Having a second head is a fairly common mutation. I’ve studied several animals with that phenotype in my time here.”

“People eat that stuff up, Ford! And I could do tours around some of the harmless places – and charge a pretty penny for it too. You know how many shmucks are happy to get ripped off by dodgy fake tourist attractions? And this one would be real! I’d have a source of income, and you’d have somewhere to put the stuff you’ve finished researching, and people to teach if you want to. Plus this crummy town could use some tourists to give business a boost.”

Wow. Stan had evidently thought this whole thing out – and the excitement was contagious. Ford wondered if this was how his brother felt, when he himself became giddy about a new finding or breakthrough. Stan was grinning like a kid.

Ford laughed and elbowed him playfully. “It’s a sound plan. And it’s nice to see you’re putting aside your history with Dan. You growled at him last time we came across him – you weren’t yourself then, of course.”

Stan shot him a weird look. “Who?”

“Dan. The lumberjack.” Stan continued to look confused. “Matilda’s boyfriend?”

All at once the werewolf’s eyes widened. “The shovel guy.”

“Er – shovel?”

“He hit me with a shovel.”                                                    

“Oh.” Ford had almost forgotten the circumstances of their meeting, with himself rescuing Stan from being beaten to death. Ah – with what he knew now, the situation seemed a lot more dire. He strongly resisted the urge to grab up a shovel and see how Boyish Dan like being smacked into the ground.

Obviously Dan didn’t know it was a person he had assaulted, not a wolf, but still. It would make Ford feel better.

When no words came to him, Ford said the first thing on his mind. “Didn’t you try to eat his mother’s dog?”

“Dog? Fuckin’ thing was more of a bug than a dog. I was starving anyway, gimme a break!”

“I’m not judging. Anyway, I’ve seen you try to eat so many things-”

“Can it, Poindexter.”

Ford began to count on his fingers. “Squirrels, gnomes, the mayor’s hairpiece, our father, my kitchen cupboard, a whole watermelon for some reason-”

“I was outta my mind for half of those!”

“My phone, the multibear somehow, several lemons – why you kept coming back to them after knowing you hated them remains a mystery to me–”

They arrived back at the house before Ford could continue his list.

“We should get this thing planted before it dies or somethin’.” Stan shuffled the plant around in his arms to hold it more comfortably, ignoring its hiss of displeasure. “Where do you want it?”

“The porch should be fine. I don’t know how much energy it gets from its prey as opposed to the sun ­– it might need sunlight to live.”

“Right. You got a pot around? I can get Chompy here planted while you find something to stop it biting anyone who gets close.”

“’Chompy’? You named the plant?”

“You were too slow.”

Well, Ford couldn’t argue with that logic. He’d just have to be faster with the next creature they came across. They had a lifetime, after all, to squabble about names – among other things.

 (For example, whether Ford was terrible for pretending to toss Stan the car keys but hiding them behind his back instead. It took Stan an embarrassingly long time to realize and once he did, Ford could barely see the withering glare he received through his snickering.)

(That evening, in revenge, Stan fell asleep on the couch lying across several of Ford’s books. Upon attempts to remove him Stan simply shifted into a wolf and thus became heavier and harder to move.)

(But these are stories for another time.)

[noredinktech]

Haskell for the Elm Enthusiast

Many years ago NRI adopted Elm as a frontend language. We started small with a disposable proof of concept, and as the engineering team increasingly was bought into Elm being a much better developer experience than JavaScript more and more of our frontend development happened in Elm. Today almost all of our frontend is written in Elm.

Meanwhile, on the backend, we use Ruby on Rails. Rails has served us well and has supported amazing growth of our website, both in terms of the features it supports, and the number of students and teachers who use it. But we’ve come to miss some of the tools that make us so productive in Elm: Tools like custom types for modeling data, or the type checker and its helpful error messages, or the ease of writing (fast) tests.

A couple of years ago we started looking into Haskell as an alternative backend language that could bring to our backend some of the benefits we experience writing Elm in the frontend. Today some key parts of our backend code are written in Haskell. Over the years we’ve developed our style of writing Haskell, which can be described as very Elm-like (it’s also still changing!).

🌳 Why be Like Elm?

Elm is a small language with great error messages, great documentation, and a great community. Together these make Elm one of the nicest programming languages to learn. Participants in an ElmBridge event will go from knowing nothing of the language to writing a real application using Elm in 5 hours.

We have a huge amount of Elm code at NoRedInk, and it supports some pretty tricky UI work. Elm scales well to a growing and increasingly complicated codebase. The compiler stays fast and we don’t lose confidence in our ability to make changes to our code. You can learn more about our Elm story here.

📦 Unboxing Haskell

Haskell shares a lot of the language features we like in Elm: Custom types to help us model our data. Pure functions and explicit side effects. Writing code without runtime exceptions (mostly).

When it comes to ease of learning, Haskell makes different trade-offs than Elm. The language is much bigger, especially when including the many optional language features that can be enabled. It’s entirely up to you whether you want to use these features in your code, but you’ll need to know about many of them if you want to make use of Haskell’s packages, documentation, and how-tos. Haskell’s compiler errors typically aren’t as helpful as Elm’s are. Finally, we’ve read many Haskell books and blog posts, but haven’t found anything getting us from knowing no Haskell to writing a real application in it that’s anywhere near as small and effective as the Elm Guide.

🏟️ When in Rome, Act Like a Babylonian

Many of the niceties we’re used to in Elm we get in Haskell too. But Haskell has many additional features, and each one we use adds to the list of things that an Elm programmer will need to learn. So instead we took a path that many in the Haskell community took before us: limit ourselves to a subset of the language.

There are many styles of writing Haskell, each with its own trade-offs. Examples include Protolude, RIO, the lens ecosystem, and many more. Our approach differs in being strongly inspired by Elm. So what does our Elm-inspired style of writing Haskell look like?

🍇 Low hanging fruit: the Elm standard library

Our earliest effort in making our Haskell code more Elm-like was porting the Elm standard library to Haskell. We’ve open-sourced this port as a library named nri-prelude. It contains Haskell counterparts of the Elm modules for working with Strings, Lists, Dicts, and more.

nri-prelude also includes a port of elm-test. It provides everything you need for writing unit tests and basic property tests.

Finally, it includes a GHC plugin that makes it so Haskell’s default Prelude (basically its standard library) behaves like Elm’s defaults. For example, it adds implicit qualified imports of some modules like List, similar to what Elm does.

🎚️ Effects and the Absence of The Elm Architecture

Elm is opinionated in supporting a single architecture for frontend applications, fittingly called The Elm Architecture. One of its nice qualities is that it forces a separation of application logic (all those conditionals and loops) and effects (things like talking to a database or getting the current time). We love using The Elm Architecture writing frontend applications, but don’t see a way to apply it 1:1 to backend development. In the F# community, they use the Elm Architecture for some backend features (see: When to use Elmish Bridge), but it’s not generally applicable. We’d still like to encourage that separation between application logic and effects though, having seen some of the effects of losing that distinction in our backend code. Read our other post Pufferfish, please scale the site! if you want to read more about this.

Out of many options we’re currently using the handle pattern for managing effects. For each type of effect, we create a Handler type (we added the extra r in a typo way back and it has stuck around. Sorry). We use this pattern across our libraries for talking to outside systems: nri-postgresql, nri-http, nri-redis, and nri-kafka.

Without The Elm Architecture, we depend heavily on chaining permutations through a stateful Task type. This feels similar to imperative coding: First, do A, then B, then C. Hopefully, when we’re later on in our Haskell journey, we’ll discover a nice architecture to simplify our backend code.

🚚 Bringing Elm Values to Haskell

One way in which Haskell is different from both Elm and Rails is that it is not particularly opinionated. Often the Haskell ecosystem offers multiple different ways to do one particular thing. So whether it’s writing an http server, logging, or talking with a database, the first time we do any of these things we’ll need to decide how.

When adopting a Haskell feature or library, we care about

smallness, e.g. introduce new concepts only when necessary

how “magical” is it? E.g. How surprising is it?

How easy is it to learn?

how easy is it to use?

how comprehensible is the documentation?

explicitness over terseness (but terseness isn’t implicitly bad).

consistency & predictability

“safety” (no runtime exceptions).

Sometimes the Haskell ecosystem provides an option that fits our Elm values, like with the handle pattern, and so we go with it. Other times a library has different values, and then the choice not to use it is easy as well. An example of this is lens/prism ecosystem, which allows one to write super succinct code, but is almost a language onto itself that one has to learn first.

The hardest decisions are the ones where an approach protects us against making mistakes in some way (which we like) but requires familiarity with more language features to use (which we prefer to avoid).

To help us make better decisions, we often try it both ways. That is, we’re willing to build a piece of software with & without a complex language feature to ensure the cost of the complexity is worth the benefit that the feature brings us.

Another approach we take is making decisions locally. A single team might evaluate a new feature, and then demo it and share it with other teams after they have a good sense the feature is worth it. Remember: a super-power of Haskell is easy refactorability. Unlike our ruby code, going through and doing major re-writes in our Haskell codebase is often an hours-or-days-long (rather than weeks-or-months-long) endeavor. Adopting two different patterns simultaneously has a relatively small cost!

Case studies in feature adoption:

🐘 Type-Check All Elephants

One example where our approach is Elm-like in some ways but not in others is how we talk to the database. We’re using a GHC feature called quasiquoting for this, which allow us to embed SQL query strings directly into our Haskell code, like this:

{-# LANGUAGE QuasiQuotes #-} module Animals (listAll) where import Postgres (query, sql) listAll :: Postgres.Handler -> Task Text (List (Text, Text)) listAll postgres = query postgres [sql|SELECT species, genus FROM animals|]

A library called postgresql-typed can test these queries against a real Postgres database and show us an error at compile time if the query doesn’t fit the data. Such a compile-time error might happen if a table or column we reference in a query doesn’t exist in the database. This way we use static checks to eliminate a whole class of potential app/database compatibility problems!

The downside is that writing code like this requires everyone working with it to learn a bit about quasi quotes, and what return type to expect for different kinds of queries. That said, using some kind of querying library instead has a learning curve too, and query libraries tend to be pretty big to support all the different kinds of queries that can be made.

🔣 So Many Webserver Options

Another example where we traded additional safety against language complexity is in our choice of webserver library. We went with servant here, a library that lets you express REST APIs using types, like this:

import Servant data Routes route = Routes { listTodos :: route :- "todos" :> Get '\[JSON\] [Todo], updateTodo :: route :- "todos" :> Capture "id" Int :> ReqBody '[JSON] Todo :> Put '[JSON] NoContent, deleteTodo :: route :- "todos" :> Capture "id" Int :> Delete '[JSON] NoContent } deriving (Generic)

Servant is a big library that makes use of a lot of type-level programming techniques, which are pretty uncommon in Elm, so there’s a steep learning cost associated with understanding how the type magic works. Using it without a deep understanding is reasonably straightforward.

The benefits gained from using Servant outweigh the cost of expanded complexity. Based on a type like the one in the example above, the servant ecosystem can generate functions in other languages like Elm or Ruby. Using these functions means we can save time with backend-to-frontend or service-to-service communication. If some Haskell type changes in a backward-incompatible fashion we will generate new Elm code, and this might introduce a compiler error on the Elm side.

So for now we’re using servant! It’s important to note that what we want is compile-time server/client compatibility checking, and that’s why we swallow Servant’s complexity. If we could get the same benefit without the type-level programming demonstrated above, we would prefer that. Hopefully, in the future, another library will offer the same benefits from a more Elm-like API.

😻 Like what you see?

We're running the libraries discussed above in production. Our most-used Haskell application receives hundreds of thousands of requests per minute without issue and produces hardly any errors.

Code can be found at NoRedInk/haskell-libraries. Libraries have been published to hackage and stackage. We'd love to know what you think!

[jeanjauthor]

Hello I think thinking more high born ladies, in typically England or even France16th century. Like how could I show the importance with embroidery, needlework, making cheese, and other lady specific things in those times

Well, think of it this way: Certain regions were doing exceptional work in different things. English wool was considered superior, Flemish cloth was considered superior, French lace (in certain regions) was considered superior, England again had an entire guild dedicated to making thread-of-gold that no one else could match, Italian cheese (parmesan) was widely traded because it was preserved so well, Sweden / Finland sold a lot of tall straight trees for ship masts, and so on.

Do a little bit of research, and then you could have your embroidering noblewomen being praised for "being every bit as good as (region)" ...though if it's in an historical setting the noblewomen wouldn't necessarily be expected to make a living at such embroidery, because as people head toward the later centuries. If it's an English woman and she's making lace, "That's even better than what I've seen the merchants bring from the lacemakers of Alsace! With your skills, we could make a gift of such fine lace to the King & Queen! That would surely raise our standing in the royal court..."

As for cheesemaking, the dairy was THE woman's domain, and men were NOT allowed into it. Women might not have known about microbes and germs, but they DID know that cleanliness was an absolute must for the dairy room. There's a wonderful series online, Tudor Monastic Farm, and I'll share a link to where the scenes with the dairy first begins, located here: https://youtu.be/fhZv2iYuWVE?t=1068

The series has a couple of archaeologists (the gents) and a domestic skills researcher (Ruth Goodman) doing historical re-enactment based upon the archaeology, writings, and theories about how things actually happened back then--and the Tudor era is right in your ballpark in the 16th century (1500s CE). You might want to watch the whole series for inspiration.

Even if it is about what farmers went through in a year, not nobles, a lot of what happened on a farm was still very important to the nobility, because that was a part of their livelihoods, too. Nobles didn't always just sit around in the cities looking pretty. (In fact, cities were often a bit...anti-noble...especially prior to the era of the Black plague, because of that whole freed men not land serfs status thing.) The sitting in cities looking pretty thing was much more later period. (1700s, 1800s.)

A competent noblewoman was expected to be able to oversee, hire, and possibly even train various servants on the estate / in the manor house / castle, as well as visit the various tenanted farms (like the Tudor Monastery Farm, taking the place of the monastery's oversight). While the lord of the castle might do more of the visiting, if he was away handling matters of politics, warfare, etc, perhaps taking his adult sons, and he might have a seneschal to oversee properties he didn't live upon, his lady wife was often expected to take up the burdens of the nobility's leadership (such as it was) and see to things herself--in an overseer's capacity, if not necessarily putting her own shoulder to the wheel of the stuck wagon.

If you have a character that tries to disparage women by saying, "What did you do while I was off saving our lands from invasion, literally risking life and limb in battle?" you could have your women reply, "Making sure you still had a home to come back to, and food on your table, and clothes on your back! Money in your coffers, the taxes paid on time and in full so the king didn't take our lands from us in payment instead! Everything you see here that is still here while you were gone, is still here because I made sure it would be! You would have nothing without me, and you know it! Have the grace to admit it, and stop yelling at me."

On the other hand, if the husband/father/brother isn't a douchebag*, then he/they can notice "However did you convince Farmer Attewell to fix that hedgerow? I nagged him for weeks before leaving for the city!"

"It turns out it's very hard to do a full day's labor far from the house if your wife is too ill to mind the children, so I sent the Widow Thrushberry off to the Attewell's farm to tend the house and children, along with Maisy, the hen girl to help as well, since the hens weren't laying until this last week. And since the blacksmith wasn't too busy either, I paid his two strapping sons to make a pair of bill hooks for pleaching, and sent them out to help Attewell with the hedge laying, so they'd know how to wield what they make, and thus give it some thought as to how to make them better, the next time."

"You paid the blacksmiths sons? With what money? Not the seed money for ensuring all the farmers can do their plantings?"

"Not the seed money, no. Since you didn't take me to the city, I didn't need to buy embroidered trim from Mistress Speckleton to cover the worn spots to make my gown look newer...though if you made any profit off your time in the city, I should very much like that trim for a gift some day soon."

"I shall see to it tomorrow. You have done well, my wife--far better than I. The Attewell's bull will no longer be a risk for wandering the roads--I'll see to it the linen weavers make you some fine linen for new clothes as well. I was never so blessed as the day we wed, though I could not know my great fortune for years to come--I should have you solve all the problems around here, my lady wife! You'll have me right-handed to the king some day!"

"You deal better with the merchants than I do, so I'll be pleased, my lord husband, if you'll continue to do so--else we'd be right-hand to the king, but absolute paupers for it."

...As you can see, there are ways to show the value of women's work, either through combatting disrespect or showing (ideally but not necessarily mutual) respect.

If it's an actual historical setting, there's only so much a writer can do to nudge things towards better equity and better equality between the genders, before it starts straining the readers' credulity too much. But if it's a created world, there's quite a lot more flexibility. In a created world, there's more room to include in your culture acceptance of women who are big and strong, women who can fight, women who can do "traditionally male" tasks...and you can also show more gender-equity by having men doing "traditionally female" tasks, too.

For example, if you have a noblewoman trying to teach her daughter how to run the manor's dairy, but the daughter is mad for combat and insists upon training with sword and bow, etc, that's one way...but you can also have a son who is absolutely interested in the complex methods of making cheese, brewing beer, and who absolutely loves doing embroidery. And if both children are in the same family, the parents can have one of those brief eye-contact moments, roll their eyes, sigh, shrug...and the father takes the daughter under his wing, the mother takes the son under hers, and they go on with that arrangement instead of "the more traditional one."

[samueldays]

Sunless Sea's Shit Bits

I cheer Master of Orion (1993) a lot for being a very well executed video game and doing so many things right that it still overshadows modern 4X. Let’s look at [mechanical elements of] a poorly executed game today: Sunless Sea (2015), from Alexis Kennedy and Failbetter Games, so bad in parts it could have been done better ten years earlier.

First to acknowledge the good bits: Sunless Sea is well written. It’s very well written. It’s as much epistolary novel as game. It has an interesting premise, a unique setting, and colorful characters.

And the competence floor: SS doesn’t crash on exit, doesn’t corrupt my computer memory, doesn’t alter my screen resolution, doesn’t lie to me about my character resources. It lacks what I might call antifeatures, so I could tolerate playing it for hours.

With that out of the way...

Sunless Sea is a game where you play a captain of a ship visiting ports on the Unterzee (Undersea), doing a bunch of the usual shipgame stuff: trading trade goods, fighting other ships, fighting sea monsters, performing fetch quests, exploring unexplored islands, and smuggling contraband.

To encourage you to travel from port to port while consuming game content, there’s a mechanic called Something Awaits You (SAY). You either have SAY or you don’t. SAY also has an internal RNG value. SAY is granted and the internal value (re)rolled every minute you spend at sea. Many port interactions consume SAY to perform. Even some repeatable interactions consume SAY, like a crew recruitment action - sensibly enough, there won’t be more crew available for a while, come back later.

Some rare port interactions require high SAY values. Some chains of interactions consume SAY multiple times underway, meaning you can’t bull through them all at once, but should sail off and do something useful in another port before sailing back here.

At this point you may see the first potential wrinkle in execution: if I’m in a long port story that I want to continue without interruption, I can push my ship 3mm out of harbor, wait 60 seconds for SAY, push 3mm back in and continue the story. The game will then display dialogue as though I’d been off sailing the vast undersea.

This is annoying and dumb.

(Proposed alternative: Condition on having visited a different port.)

Criticism of more SAY, Terror and sunlight mechanics below the cut. ---

SAY also winds up devaluing fast engines.

If I’m running a simple trade route that takes 62 seconds to sail, buying and selling goods and spending my SAY at each end, and I buy a faster engine which reduces route time to 56 seconds... no SAY for me! So I spend another four seconds idling just outside port, waiting for the timer to tick over before I get SAY and can officially announce “We are docking now”.

(Proposed alternative: Faster engines should reduce the SAY timer. Or, again, different port.)

And then you have Frostfound, a port in the frozen north. The flavor text on a repeatable Frostfound interaction reads in part:

They offer you fuel and supplies before you leave. "We keep enough to spare," the Riddlefisher grins. "From time to time a captain gets lost and comes up here, and we always feel bad for them."

[-10 Terror, +1 Fuel, +1 Supplies, consumes SAY]

This is prodigiously abusable by “leaving port”, waiting 60 seconds right outside of port, and “docking” again to get more resources and more mental health for free... well, the cost is in player time. And any sensibilities you may have about abusing the hospitality of the Riddlefisher.

---

Now let’s discuss that Terror trait.

Terror is like inverse-health. It starts at 0, and ticks up over time when you are out on the Unterzee. It ticks up faster if you have lights off (lights consume fuel and aggravate monsters), and ticks up faster if you are out of sight of land. If you are hugging a coast and have lights on, Terror does not tick up. You (more or less) lose at 100 Terror.

There’s an incremental sub-ticker for Terror. Lights around the skull tick up over time, one by one. When they’re filled, the red bar ticks up Terror proper by 1 and the lights reset.

Lights around the skull tick slowly down if you are hugging a coast and have lights on. This will not cause Terror to decrease if all the skull counter lights are off.

Lights tick discretely every few seconds, not continuously.

With a good sense of time (or a key macro) you can run mostly dark, flicking the lights on for a split-second to prevent the skull counter from counting up, ficking them off again for several seconds to save fuel.

This is really annoying and really dumb. I don’t do it myself, but “if you think it’s dumb don’t do it” is a poor excuse for your game incentivizing a dumb annoying playstyle where your ship’s lights are only on for 300ms every 4s or whatever. Terror is supposed to be the cost of running dark; it mangles both the mechanics and the fluff to let you get the peace of running light and the economy of running dark by strobing.

(Proposed alternative: Make it more finely discrete, approaching continuous.)

As well as the ongoing tick, Terror goes up in larger chunks from a great many events in the mild horror side of the game. One such is swapping officers while at sea - bad for crew morale, that. Which leads obliquely into the matter of sunlight...

---

Terror is one of several Menace qualities that can end your game if they get too high. Wounds is another. Yearning, Burning is a third, acquired if your beneath-born captain travels to the surface and gazes upon the light of the true Sun for too long.

Catching sunlight in mirror-lined boxes and selling it Beneath is one of the more profitable forms of smuggling in Sunless Sea, so you may find yourself acquiring some Yearning, Burning obsession with the Sun.

(The Sun. The Sun. The Sun. Oh, the Sun. How its light calls to you.)

Spending time resting in the peaceful darkness of your home in Under-London partly relieves all three menaces mentioned above. BUT! Resting at home cures Yearning, Burning more slowly than the other menaces, and you can only rest at home if you have Terror or Wounds you need to recover from. Having only YB will not let you rest. Flavor-wise, I imagine merely pacing about your home has little effect, and it’s reasonable that a fantasy quasi-addiction would ‘heal’ slower than injury when at rest or simple fear when on shore leave.

The wrinkle in execution?

Have at least two candidates for the same officer post. Board your ship in Under-London, scooch a hair’s breadth out of port so that you are technically 'at sea', and begin repeatedly switching officers. (Maybe pause the game so you don’t consume fuel while doing this.)

“BOB, YOU HAVE THE HELM! NO, JIM, YOU HAVE THE HELM ! NO, BOB, YOU HAVE THE HELM ! NO, JIM, YOU HAVE THE HELM !”

It will hurt your crew morale and raise Terror to see the mad captain repeatedly altering command while ‘at sea’. With terror acquired, scooch back into port. Now you have Terror and can rest at your house again, losing Yearning, Burning in the process. Repeat as necessary until you have rested off all your YB.

For extra wrinkles in the flavor interaction, it helps here to sell your mansion, if you are rich enough to own one, and instead go rest in a cheap tavern room, where you heal Terror slower but heal YB at the same rate, allowing you to ‘buy’ more YB recovery with Terror.

No, you can’t rest in a cheap tavern room while you own a mansion. The game requires you to sell your mansion first. 🤔

(Proposed alternatives: Various, because this is a multifaceted problem. A simple one might be to have YB tick down at the same rate as Terror ticks up when sailing on the Undersea - being out in the cold wet dark drives out thoughts of the faraway burning light.)

---

I want to spell out that these are not bugs. They are mechanics working as designed, and they are badly designed or badly executed. The Terror counter in particular is very clearly designed to behave a certain way with discrete, incremental ticks at intervals. The UI has a counter for the ticks. There was no intent of making a continuous meter that ‘accidentally’ turned into a discrete meter through programming error.

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

Letter from a disenchanted student of the Divine Principle

Many Unification Church members seem to think people who left the organization are like some kind of lapsed Catholics, but most of those people just recognized Moon’s absurd and contradictory rhetoric had absolutely no relationship to reality – I pointed out many of those obvious contradictions in my previous letter to Rev Moon. Even the vaunted Divine Principle was not his own teaching. Much of it came from a woman called Seong-do Kim whose revelations began in 1923. She stated that Jesus did not come to die (not new because other Christians had taught this previously), she also taught that the fall was a sexual sin (again not new because Jewish scholars suggested this long ago and anyone can recognize the association, even sex shops use a bitten apple to advertise their wares). She also taught about the change of blood lineage through the messiah – thus justifying all the deviant sexual activity involved in the pikareum rituals. Another source was a woman called Chong Deuk-eun who dictated a book called the Principle of Life in 1946-47. It was published in 1958.

The history parallels were taken straight from the teachings of Baek-moon Kim’s Israel Monastery – being the reason they finish in 1917, which was Baek-moon’s birth date rather than 1920 when Moon was born. The final Divine Principle book was composed by a committee guided by Hyo-won Eu with input from Young Oon Kim and various professors. So rather than being a direct revelation, the DP is actually an interesting amalgam of Christian theology, nineteenth century science, Oriental philosophy and shamanism – added to the insights and teachings that were taken from various Korean spiritual groups.



This was why I felt free to approach much of the DP as almost allegorical because the main thing to emphasize was personal spiritual maturity – the development of a loving parental heart. (The real meaning of ‘perfection’.) I never believed that absolute Cain/Abel rubbish spouted by Moon and Japanese leaders. I remember one itinerant worker saying, ‘If my central figure tells me this red dress is blue then it’s blue.’ Absolutely insane – but this is exactly the kind of thing that has been propagated by the Moon family and their minions, especially in Japan, and it leads to all kinds of abuses.



In addition to the DP we also have Rev. Moon’s great blessing theory, whereby through downing a glass of holy wine and being engrafted to his lineage we become capable of conceiving pure offspring, free from original sin. These ‘blessed’ children can then form the core of the heavenly kingdom on earth, of course with the ‘True Parents’ and their children at the absolute center. However, the proof of any pudding is in the eating – regardless of how good the recipe might sound. So let us look at the results, the fruits of the messiah and his teaching.

We can start with some of his own blessed children:   Ye Jin – (Divorced.) Hyo Jin – was a drug addict, I saw him give a sermon one time when he was so stoned he had to hold on to the podium in order to stand up. He punched and kicked his wife, Nansook Hong, watched pornography, walked around with a gun in his pocket and beat up church members. (Divorced.) In Jin – was forced to resign her position because it became public knowledge about her affairs with two married members and the illegitimate child she had with one of them. (Divorced.) Un Jin – said clearly on TV that her father was not the messiah, and that the church was just about power and money. (Divorced.)

 Hyun Jin, the kind-hearted business expert who wanted to cut the salaries of our church’s jewelry workers by a third – I saw a video of him calling a church leader an arrogant bastard and kicking him as the man knelt before him. No matter what the guy was guilty of, this was just one more example of the violence perpetrated by the Moon family. Which of course was epitomized by Cleopas, the black Zimbabwean supposedly embodying the spirit of Heung Jin, who went around the world viciously beating up men and women, putting some in hospital. He even threatened church members with a pistol. (All of it approved by Rev Moon who laughed at the beatings and had himself used a baseball bat on members.)



Kook Jin – an arms dealer who said Abel wouldn’t have been killed if he’d had a gun. Divorced his wife and had himself re-blessed with a Korean beauty queen. He now has his own group of armed ‘knights’ willing to do whatever he orders. (Divorced.)

 Hyung Jin, the heir apparent (according to him), lied about getting a BA from Harvard when he actually attained a lower qualification – and if he thinks the parable of the sower is referring to ‘absolute sex’ I think he needs to go back to Divinity School. His Sanctuary Church now promotes the owning of AR-15 semi-automatic assault rifles, and has ceremonies with participants carrying these lethal weapons while wearing bizarre crowns of bullets. According to one of his recent speeches, all the women of the world are ‘Brides of Christ,’ and he of course is now in that Christ position.

Don’t want to go into details about some of the others as I feel sorry for them.



So this so-called true family demonstrates clearly that there is no difference between blessed children and any others. Rev. Moon said as much in Korea when he was talking about Sammy Park, his illegitimate son. He said, ‘The sons from the concubine are better because there is more passion involved in their conception.’ So much for the value of the blessing. 



(Of course Mrs Moon blames the bad behavior of her adult, absolute ruler children on the poor church members, as though they could do anything to control it.)



So now lets look at the practical results of all the members’ sacrifice and offerings:

 This Parc One court case (the conflict that began between Kook Jin and Hyun Jin) resulted in at least 700 million dollars of church money going to lawyers and outside companies. This is at a time when Japanese church members were being bled dry; many could not even afford to go to the dentist. (They were commonly referred to as ‘the toothless ones’ in Japan.)



Cheongpyeong – you couldn’t make it up – they were selling apartments in the spirit world! People have to be completely away with the fairies to buy into that. Mrs Hyo Nam Kim (Dae Mo Nim or Hoon Mo Nim) after being denounced as a fraud, walked away with assets worth more than 230 million dollars (including one of the top golf courses in South Korea), so her spiritual real estate business must have been doing very well. It’s as crazy as charging money so that your ancestors can attend workshops with the spirit of Heung Jin, or paying thirty dollars for two bottles of Danjobi shampoo to get evil spirits out of your hair. (This all of course also being done with the consent of Rev Moon.)

Mrs Kim was supposedly channeling Dae Mo Nim, the mother of Hak Ja Han, which was actually a strange choice because Dae Mo Nim and another woman had spent two years in jail for beating a mentally ill youth to death in one of these frenzied ansu sessions (where they beat bad spirits out of people).

That whole Cheongpyeong providence is merely old Korean shamanism, and just because people have spiritual experiences there doesn’t validate what is going on. Something many members don’t realize is that God works to educate and reach people regardless of what religion they are following.



Rev. Moon often praised Korean culture but Korea was a slave society for most of its history. Although the number of slaves had declined during the nineteenth century the institution was not legally banned until 1894, and the system survived in practice until the 1920s. At least one third of the population were slaves in the past, and the children of slaves automatically belonged to their masters – with most wealthy men keeping concubines. The Koreans always had that tradition of the Yangban, or aristocrats, being served by everybody else, even having a caste of sex slaves for that purpose.



Another tradition was idol worship and shamanism. All this drumming and beating at Cheongpyeong is actually for drawing spirits into people, not driving them out. The disgusting business of putting Moon’s semen and blood into the holy wine is more shamanism. Shamans believe if you can get someone to imbibe your bodily fluids they will come under your control. By the way, Rev Moon’s children used to refer to Mrs Kim and her people as ‘the witches of Cheongpyeong.’ To put this in perspective there are still over 300,000 shamans or ‘mudangs’ plying their trade in Korea. 



Conferences. After working on some of them I was shown very clearly that all those big science, arts and other conferences actually had no purpose other than glorifying Rev Moon. He wasn’t at all interested in any results from those meetings, only in how many famous people attended.



About 500 million dollars is donated each year by the Japanese church, but where does it all go? What great world-changing projects do you see it used for? Of what use are all these glorious palaces? The one at Cheongpyeong cost over a thousand million dollars. Just think what good could have been done in the world with such funds. This particular palace is now adorned with giant statues of Hak Ja Han with Jesus kneeling before her and a much diminished figure of Sun Myung Moon in obedient attendance. She has effectively created a new religion centered on herself by changing the basic teachings and proclaiming herself as the Only Begotten Daughter of God, the wife of God, the mother of God and God himself/herself. (What kind of mental gymnastics the present members are doing to believe this utter nonsense is beyond me.)



I know each national church lives in its own little bubble, in effect creating its own version of the Unification society and cherry picking which headquarters’ directions to implement. Each country also seems to hold onto its own view of the ‘messiah,’ effectively editing out anything that does not conform to this ideal. However, with the advent of the Internet this can thankfully no longer be the case.

It is the very core of the Unification Church that needs to be examined. The whole church has been built on lies. Even Rev Moon’s life story is full of falsehoods. Remember that picture of him carrying the man on his back; he let it be known for years that it was him before finally admitting it wasn’t.

The stories about Heungnam – I heard a testimony from one of those early disciples where she went to visit him and found him drinking tea in a nearby village! Chung-hwa Pak had been an officer in the military and was put in charge of the prisoners. He designated which tasks the prisoners should do. He was able to give Moon time off so they could talk together about his beliefs. Moon was not always being worked to death as he later stated.


He said he graduated in electrical engineering at Waseda University in Tokyo, but he actually only attended night classes at a technical high school.


The Church made out that Moon was arrested in North Korea for preaching against communism, but the charges were really for bigamy and adultery. Chong-hwa Kim, the married woman involved, was also jailed. His anti-communist stance came much later.



The story about him meeting Jesus on the mountainside is also untrue. It was Seong-do Kim who first told people she’d had these Easter revelations, then Baek-moon Kim claimed them as his, and finally Rev Moon – whose lies gave him away as Easter did not fall on the date he gave for that year. In his most recent account of that meeting he calls Jesus a bastard, and originally taught that Jesus should have had sex with his mother to restore the fall. He also claimed to have met and talked with Buddha, but until his first visit to India he thought Buddha was Chinese. 



The Tragedy of the Six Marys. This book described the pikareum, or womb-cleansing, ceremonies conducted during the early years of the Unification Church. For years we were told it was untrue, but before the book came out in Japan they started giving lectures explaining the providential reasons why Moon had to have sex not only with the Six Marys, but also with all the wives of the 36, 72 and even the 124 couples. Some of the members listening to those lectures left the church afterwards so they stopped giving them, but they started them again in Korea from what I heard.

The Israel Monastery was a pikareum church with Baek-moon Kim doing the womb cleansing by having sex with the female members. Another similar one was the Olive Tree Movement started by Tae-Seon Park. This had 300,000 members and the churches had special rooms to practice the pikareum rituals. So there were plenty of examples of this grotesque idea for Rev Moon to draw on.



The holy wine ceremony is a symbolic sexual act, but for the first years of the church Rev Moon actually had sex with the female members. This is the core of the church and it is both vile and ludicrous.



I don’t say these things lightly because I needed plenty of evidence before I believed them, but I know people in both Japan and Korea who attended lectures where this behavior was justified. In America Hyung Jin and Kook Jin have admitted such things happened. It was admitted by Young Oon Kim, Papasan Choi, Chung-Hwa Pak, President Eu’s cousin (Shin-hee Eu), Annie Choi (the mother of Sam Park), Deok-jin Kim and many others. Rev Yong also went around the world giving lectures explaining the dispensational necessity of such sex practices.



God of Day and God of Night. There used to be a shrine to this primitive Korean god to the east of Seoul. (Moon was incorporating any kind of rubbish into his mythology by the end of his life.)

I could report on even worse activities and crimes but I think this is enough for now. The Divine Principle itself is a wonderful construct, (Hyo-won Eu being something of a genius) the only problem being that it isn’t true. So much of the numerology, four position foundations, triple objective purposes and so on, is actually meaningless. There was no sexual fall and inherited original sin and Satan are non-existent. The history parallels are extremely contrived, and although interesting, prove nothing at all. There are many more aspects of the book that don’t make sense. Some parts of course are helpful, Jesus not coming to die and so on, but none of these are original ideas, so the book certainly doesn’t prove that Moon is the Second Advent.

▲ Baek-moon Kim was born in 1917. He devised the parallels of history.



As predicted nothing happened on Foundation Day apart from a few pointless ceremonies. The church leadership knew this would be the case, which is why they were already telling people to prepare for 2020, the 100th anniversary of Moon’s birth. Mrs Moon is emphasizing witnessing now. (Because tithes are an ongoing source of revenue.) She recently told the Japanese wives in Korea that if they don’t do well then their descendants will pay lots of indemnity. She seems to have forgotten what her husband said on October 27, 1999, ‘No more indemnity is needed. The providence of restoration is completed.’



I personally think anyone still teaching the Divine Principle has to examine all of the above, and then ask themselves if they are just helping to propagate a gigantic destructive fraud? Thousands of people have gone through real suffering to enrich Moon and his family. Many of them had their lives ruined by being matched and married to people they could not relate to. It’s hard to believe but Moon’s church even advertised for any Korean men who wanted wives to come to one of those big blessings – just to make the numbers up, although he charged them between two and ten thousand dollars for each purchased bride. He then matched dedicated Japanese sisters to men who weren’t even church members – some of whom were unemployed drunkards or worse. (One of these wives eventually killed her Korean husband after suffering years of abuse.) Again, ask yourself whether these matchings were the action of a loving father, or an evil despot with no concern at all for the happiness and well-being of others?



If members were matched with someone they could love and be happy with, then they were in the minority, as it was mostly a matter of luck. Remember he matched physical brothers and sisters on at least four occasions that I know of, then changed the matching when he was told about it, so it certainly wasn’t God guiding him.



If people want God in their lives all they have to do is invite him in. Knock and the door will be opened. You don’t need to go to God through Moon or anyone else, and heaven is a place for heavenly people, so if you aren’t heavenly then no blessing, white robe or inseminated wine is going to get you in there.

And just to be clear, arrogance and avarice are not heavenly attributes.



I believe anyone who has sincerely tried to serve God and create a better world has certainly not wasted their time, because God will remember their efforts whatever religion they followed, but the Unification Church, FFWPU, or Hak Ja Han’s new name for it ‘Heavenly Parent’s Holy Community,’ is nothing but a despotic money-making, power-seeking, destructive scam that should not be supported in any way.



My apologies people, no jokes this time, I’m too disgusted by the whole sorry mess.



Sloe Gin

______________________________________________

Newsweek on the many Korean messiahs of the 1970s

Hwang Gook-joo and his orgies

The Divine Principle is constructed to control members

Sun Myung Moon’s Theology of the Fall, Tamar, Jesus and Mary

Sun Myung Moon – Restoration through Incest

Shamanism is at the heart of Sun Myung Moon’s church

Japanese member, Ms. K, was forced to marry Korean man she did not like

Sun Myung Moon makes me feel ashamed to be Korean

The Fall of the House of Moon – New Republic

Sun Myung Moon’s secret love child – Mother Jones

Cult Indoctrination – and the Road to Recovery