#though past a certain point i don't think i've seen their notes

[scrawnytreedemon]

Tumblr, whose notes are you hiding from me? Istg this broken-ass site...

[probablysimpledreams]

Scary? My God You're Divine

(Fyodor x reader: NSFW)

a/n: omg Fyodor has been taking up too much space in my brain lately so I finally had to write for him <3 he's so pretty but in like a way pls hurt me way LOL

cw: toxic relationship dynamic (it's Fyo idk what yall expected lol), afab reader but otherwise gender neutral, lingerie, uhhh smut, oh mix of degrading and praise from Fyo, refers to reader as "milaya" for petname (I've seen multiple translations as darling, cute/cutie, & sweetheart)

wc: 1k

You hum happily as you spin around the dressing room, loving the way the expensive clothing fit your frame. It had been ages since your last shopping trip, and honestly you couldn't remember the last time you left your house. Ever since you and Fyodor had become serious, you have been living in the private manor he had built to suit your needs. Sometimes he would visit for a while, but often times he had other business to attend to. Despite not always being around, Fyodor always ensured your needs, wants, and safety were granted. The manor was filled with everything you asked for from private chefs who cooked whatever you wished, as many pets as you wanted to keep you company, and everything else you asked for. Not many people can understand your lifestyle, viewing your off grid manor as a cage, but this didn't matter to you. You were happy and in love and that's all that mattered to you.

A soft smile on your face as you imagine the sweet words your boyfriend will utter to you later tonight when you both are home and you get to show him everything from your shopping trip. Fyodor had been away on an extra long "work trip" these past few months, and you have been anxiously been awaiting his return. The excitement you felt this morning waking up to a letter detailing his return later tonight alongside a large sum of cash to spend before his return home continued to run through your veins as you tried on more clothes. You grab all the pieces that frame your figure perfectly, happily walking to the cashier before handing the bags over to the body guards accompanying you.

After hours of walking around the upscale mall, you were ready to head back home. You begin calling for one of the body guards to pull the car around until a certain store's display catches your eye. A wide smirk paints your face as your eyes scan over the angelic lingerie set the mannequin was dressed in, calling for the bodyguards to wait a little longer before leaving.

///////////////////////

"You look beautiful milaya," your boyfriend offers a small smile with his praise as you twirl around the bedroom in your new outfits. Though he did not like when you left the security of his control by going out in public, his love for your little "fashion shows" after a day out shopping was much stronger. These moments belonged to only him, you belonged to only him. He hummed thinking about that fact as you raced off to grab your next outfit, your eyes sparkling as you ramble on about a movie you had recently watched. His eyes watched your every movement, eyebrow raised as you grab a bag and head off into the bathroom. "Where are you going off to?"

"This outfit is a surprise baby! You'll see in a moment," you call out from behind the closed door. He chuckled at your actions, attention returning to his laptop as he waits for your return.

His eyes widen as you reenter the bedroom, posing in your white lacey lingerie set. You climb onto the bed, closing his laptop and placing it on the nightstand before sitting on his lap.

"Surprise!" you chuckle, already feeling aroused watching his purple eyes scan your body. His hands grip your waist, fingers toying with the lacey strings of the lingerie set.

"My my, I don't recall instructing you to buy something like this in my note, milaya," he hums, hands trailing up and down your sides.

"That's the point of a surprise," you smile innocently. You wrap your arms around his neck, pulling your face closer to his to plant a soft kiss on his lips.

"Whatever am I going to do with you," he sighs, hands returning to their tight grip on your waist. He pulls you in for a deeper, more passionate kiss. You whine against his lips, trying desperately to break free of his grasp and grind against him. "Patience darling."

"Fyo pleaseeee," you whine. "I've been patient for months!! I've missed you!! I need you!!" You exactly what he wanted to hear, how to get exactly what you wanted. You prided yourself on being Fyodor's one weakness in this world.

"Mmm," he happily hums, mentally noting how you said all the right answers. He loved playing these games with you, and he especially loved how you always were able to keep up with him. You were his precious darling, his angel. "I'm not fully convinced," he teased, evil smirk growing across his face. Anyone else would be attempting to run away from him after seeing this expression, however you only became more turned on. He took quick note of this too. "Look at you ______," one of his hands left your waist and traveled down to your clothed core. You gasp as he pushes the lace away from your skin, fingers running up and down your wet folds. "Making a mess of my lovely surprise. That needy? How pathetic." You cry out as his fingers begin rubbing circles against your clit.

"F-Fyodor!" you throw your head back, crying out his name. Your legs begin to shake as his movements grow faster, pushing you to your climax. "Fyo-Fyo I-I'm gonna," you cry and squirm as he kisses up and down your neck.

"Cum for me _______," he hums as you cry out his name again and again as you ride out your high. Your body shakes as you try to catch your breathe. It had been months since you've felt this good, your own fingers and toys not comparing in the slightest to what Fyodor can do. However, you don't get much time to recover before you're thrown onto your back, Fyodor now hovering you. "We're only beginning," that evil grin returning to his face before he kisses your cheek softly. "This is what you wanted, right milaya? You've been so good, let me indulge you tonight."

[loser-female]

Math masterpost!

So you want to learn math. Good. Math is amazing. I studied physics for two years and I miss it SO MUCH. Learning math isn't just cool, but it's a great way to improve skills such as:

Resilience: sometimes you will get stuck for a while on a problem - this is absolutely normal for college-level problems. You won't start from here though;

Self confidence: mastering a subject known to be difficult is fun;

Problem solving: you will be less likely to just sit down and do nothing if something comes up in your life, you will be able to try to find a solution.

It will change your approach to failure as you will become more flexible in your thinking.

Unfortunately most people never learn how to properly study math. We all probably know how to study a book over humanities. We start by reading the material, then we take notes of the keypoints. But this method doesn't work with math, and math teachers often don't really know either.

For the basics I've made this post here. To sum it up:

Please don't start with "but i suck at it". Because then your brain will actually prevent you from learning (self-fulfilling prophecy, anyone?);

Realise that you need to master one topic before covering the next one or you won't be able to progress;

Really, the methods you use for things like literature or psychology or whatever won't work

Now I'm not a genius, I always was and I always be a terrible student. I have adhd, depression and chronic pain, all of which add a difficulty layer with learning.

I feel like most people fail because of the first point. I've seen this with people I've tutored IRL, people I try to fix their pc... Don't be the person that gives up before trying because no one likes that. Just don't. Remember that you are learning on your own and no one is going to grade your excercises. Now take that and make a poster out of iy.

Now, resources Where To Find The Stuff.

Khan Academy. I didn't follow this courses becuase well, university, physics, but everyone references them.

Professor Leonard

The Math Sorcerer

3b1b (curiosities in math)

Vsauce2 (fun)

numberphile (this for understanding math memes)

r/learnmath resources are great!

A great study method

Proofs? Proofs.

A 3 page document on learning math (but it's cool)

Terry Tao's famous post "there is more in mathematics about rigour and proofs"

Remember that, even if you don't like a specific youtuber, source or anything it has been a while since college and high school teachers started to upload their own material. Generally, looking for like "calculus pdf" will give you a lot of resources. Youtube is full of university courses of every kind and it's so good to access all of this knowledge for free. I cannot recommend you anything regarding textbooks because I still have my high school one. Also yes, i've used the Rudin as a complementary textbook in university but that's a bit too much.

I really, really want to emphasize the mentality part. Leaning formula is useless if you feel like garbage because you weren't able to solve the first exercise you picked up after a decade not doing anything.

My personal and sparce advice:

Unless you have dyscalculia don't use the calculator. I know, I KNOW. But this "lazyness" will make everything 10 times more difficult.

Beware about overlearning. Basically, when you solve everything at the first attempt and you keep doing the same thing over and over because it feels good, but the truth is that you are wasting time. This is the time to move forward.

Try to differentiate between a knowledge error(did I actually study the subject?), a conceptual error (did I understand the material), or a mere calculation/distraction error (fo example a missing sign, writing the wrong thing etc)

Try to solve the problems in different ways if you can.

After a certain time, It will be useful to review things done in the past, (ref: spaced repetition method).

Write everything down. Reasonings, steps etc. It will be easier for you to review them.

This posts keep crashing so I have to call it quits now.

but:

have fun

[dxy-drxxm]

SYNOPSIS: Kaeya has a lot of things he enjoyed about you. Or, well, admired, to be frank.

CW/s: tooth rotting fluff, short drabble, kaeya is a hopeless SIMP (/silly), tbh he's just a silly guy who can't confess if his life depended on it (and... It did lol), can be interpreted as platonic or romantic (it's both, but it's a slow transition from platonic to romantic hehe)

NOTE: hi, this drabble is for @ryuryuryuyurboat for @ecrin-de-litterature's "kiss (don't tell)" event! I hope you enjoy a drabble of Kaeya being a hopeless simp because as much as I'd like to write a full blown date with him, I've been busy since college and I want to curl up and pass away. orz.

Kaeya never says a lot about the person he admires.

For him, the Cavalry Captain had more than enough to take care of. Maybe it was due to the job that kept him busy, or even because of how life gave him a batch of lemons that he needed to deal with.

But when it comes to certain people like who he's seen now, it made him feel as though he became but the same child when Cyrus adopted him all those years ago.

He still remembered the first time you two met—you were one of Lisa's attendants. An assistant, one could say. You're always available whenever Lisa isn't feeling the urge to check in the library, which is often, and Kaeya had decided to try and see what you're like.

Sure, you may have panicked and treated him like a stranger, but it wasn't long for you two to get close. Soon, you're treating him like you two have been friends for years, joking and laughing over certain things.

Kaeya couldn't help but smile. He always liked seeing others express joy when he couldn't.

Though, little by little, the dynamic seem to change. Others pointed out to him that you and Kaeya had been together for quite a while now, always speaking and chatting over the most mundane things.

Petty drama from the knights, Lisa's recent books and those who borrowed arriving late, the many foreigners that came about when the traveler would be busy in another region... You two had a lot to talk about, and sometimes, he didn't notice how much you two could never stop speaking of such things.

It was stupid, he's aware, but he wouldn't lie and say he didn't like it. On the contrary, he enjoyed that time being spent on something he considering to be enjoyable.

You made his days less unbearable. Like he can wake up one day and think that things will be fine.

He admired that charm from you. You make it seem so... natural.

There were even moments that the two of you shared. He remembered your first Windblume festival with him, the first time you've spent working for a year with Lisa (it was your work anniversary, he joked to you once), and even down to when you two travelled to different nations together.

He's seen it all— your highs, lows, and even the turnarounds. He's heard you rant and ramble of the nations, and yet he felt his pride raise when you'd return to Mondstadt, still calling it your home.

It was clear that you have seen that place, out of every nation, as the best. In return, he did his best keeping it safe. Although, there had been moments he would mess up.

He may act confident, but when alone, he'd feel like he's a lost child again. He loathed that feeling.

The first time you've seen him act like it was when you two spoke of each other's pasts. Kaeya has told you what happened between him and Diluc, and he could never forget the way you hugged him for hearing his voice crack.

He cares for Diluc, like how he cares for you. However, how could he say the same for his adopted brother? Would he ever do the same thing you did to him?

... Perhaps. Perhaps not, even.

Still, he couldn't help but think how much he can even handle this feeling. It's a secret he's kept that your actions made him feel like he can be free, yet he kept himself trapped by will.

He was trapped in the feeling of admiration and envy, clashing and fighting against each other. It made his heart soar and ache when things happen, both because of you and because of himself.

He felt envious of you. He wanted to say that to you, but seeing you smile got rid of that envy.

...

It was a strange conundrum. One that left him sleepless for nights on end... And that's when it clicked.

He realized that it was a form of self-sabotage.

Kaeya didn't want to ruin the relationship you two had as friends, so he kept it under lock and key. He threw the key away, denying that he felt something to you. Denying that he felt as though he loved you that way. He couldn't. He didn't even know the answer.

...

It was stupid to worry. It truly is.

But now? How could he not worry?

He's done this to himself. Even if others told him to say it, to utter those words he forbade himself from speaking, he kept his mouth shut. You two are friends, and he's far too used to admiring you and your acts from afar.

He's craved to admire someone that would make him feel this way, and he got what he asked. Although, he couldn't bring himself to hate you for charming him like that.

After all, that is what makes you you. And he doesn't want you to lose the only thing that fits you perfectly.

@.dxy-drxxm | do not republish, repost, or copy my works anywhere | 2024

[kyuushi]

I present (🎁) the character relationship chart from the first official fanbook! Big thanks to Pancake from the Kyuushi Discord server for the scans 🫶

The translation, cleaning, and typesetting were all done by me so please forgive any messiness & mistakes. But I'm always very open to feedback so feel free to reach out, especially if you notice tl issues!

Please don't repost the image around. You can just share the link to this post! (If I end up needing to make corrections, I will cry if an old incorrect version is floating around somewhere!!)

↓Some extra notes below the cut↓

****

I originally wanted to post this along with a more accessible version (aka text version) but unfortunately that would be a ton of extra work and I have other projects I'd like to spend my time on instead. I'm also not really knowledgeable about that stuff to begin with so I'm not sure what kind of format would be best for screen readers or other accessibility aids. If anyone else would like to take up the mantle and create a text version, please message me!

****

Translation Notes:

Mippiki: Written "３人と１匹" but read as "みっぴき," this word is very important to the Kyuushi fandom! It describes the main characters living in the office- Rona, Draluc, Hinaichi, and John. "Mi" comes from 3 and "ippiki" is how you would count 1 small animal, an armadillo in this case.

Sagyou's "hah? to respect ratio": The "hah?" here is like an exasperated sound he's making. In Japanese it was one of these babies: ぁ゙. So his frustration to respect ratio is 9 to 1.

Calling someone a typhoon/hurricane: I think this is probably self explanatory but since I don't think this is a common expression in English, I'll explain a bit. Basically it's likening someone to the chaos and power of a storm.

Shot's "filthy cool": In Japanese this is "ヨゴレかっこいい." I can't find instances of this phrase being used outside of Kyuushi so this seems to be a Bonnoki original? I've seen others tl this some different ways but I tried to make it sound kinda cool in English, though it also kinda makes no sense lol, sorry.

Tabiko being in the "vampires" section: Just in case anyone is confused, Tabiko is definitely a human. I think there just wasn't space to stick her anywhere else.

Manner calling Satetsu "big bro": "兄イ" in Japanese. I think most people recognize words like "onii-san" and "aniki" at this point but I'm not sure about just "anii" (also big brother) so I decided to tl it here. As you may have guessed, this is not him literally trying to adopt Satetsu as his brother, but rather a term of respect (albeit a teasing one). Satetsu is uncomfortable being called this, mostly because it reminds him of his embarrassing delinquent past.

Nagiri's nickname for John: I chose to keep this as "Maru" ("丸," literally "circle") just because I think it sounds like a cute nickname lol.

Fiasco calling Manner "spoiled rich boy": Originally "ボンボン" in Japanese. You might have heard a character called "bon" or even this kinda insulting version, "bonbon," before. It describes a young man from a rich family. I added "spoiled" because I thought it sounded too much like a complement just to call him "genius rich boy," even with "damn" in front 😂

Nuyan: John's "nu" combined with a dog's "wan" (bark). Remember that time Yomo hypnotized John into acting like a dog? That John never fully recovered from? Yeah.

****

As I said please do let me know if you spot any mistakes or have any questions or comments. You can even ask if you're just confused about who certain characters are or what the relationship arrow is indicating! Kyuushi has a ton of characters and they can be difficult to keep track of, especially for the English fandom which doesn't have access to all the materials.

Thanks if you actually read all of these walls of text 🫡

[yourmaidsp]

How do you come up with your compositions? They are so cool I wanna know if you have any huge inspirations :-) your art is so lovely

Hiiiiiii! Awww thanks for the appreciation!

I'm actually working on a more comprehensive art tutorial rn (bc someone asked here earlier), that would include composition， but I'll do a shorter answer first for u bc you're asking sth. more specific ?( hope it's okey (❁´◡`❁))

(Oh and also I've seen ur req! don't worry, I'm doing that as well, it's just there's still some before yours( ´･･)ﾉ(._.`))

Um and when the long tutorial is out, feel free to check that out ~

On Composition:

Goal

For me the goal of my illustration r Storytelling n full on Emotional experience.

(It's something I've been trying to achieve but cannot guarantee I hit it all the time, sometimes bc of my habit I'll lost myself during the process and looking back find out I miss something important, so the following is the best theories I could provide. Most of improvement r still in daily practice(●'◡'●))

To paint with beautiful compostion, you'll first have a solid story in mind, it can be simplified into " who when where n what", writing them down on a note n stick it near by would help.

And as to emotional experience, is something I can't get hold of all the time... music might help I guess? I have headcanon playlists for every chatacter or ship I wanna paint, and extract emotions from them everyday.

But there's some practical methods too.

Methods

I've worked storyboard n director for 2 years in the past, even though I'm not proud of the projects I worked on, some knowledge might still be useful.

It's mostly 2 methods: Silhouette & Movement

Well for silhouettes there's already bunch of books discussing this, one of my favs is Framed Ink, I'm sure u can find a pdf somewhere on the net.

(I find this photo on the internet bc mine is not around)

Basically it's that, think about the objects within your image, by using shadows n their original colors, you can split it into interesting shapes. This will visually elevate the overall feeling of composition.

Also, there's a cheat build in humem's understanding of an image.

basically this, putting important object on the 1/3 points of an image is the fastest cheat.

Also, contrast your silhouette. If you're painting sth that has no background, try giving your silhouette a constrasted design.

(like in this one, the right side is smooth but I'm putting lots of variation on the left.)

For movement, think about your image as a shot taken when your characters r doing sth.

They would each have a direction to move to, and that forms their movement. Your job here is to arrange them into logical or emotional lines.

If it's a series of work, u can plan out the movement toward the same direction.

(the only time you're seeing their car facing left is when they stopped, I was trying to say that their trip kinda ends here)

Also for manga, comic n movie, make sure your important information is within safe area.

(the area within dotted lines is the safe area, u want your character's expression to be mostly within it. if it's like extreme close-up, the certain area u want to emphasize should be within it.)

I have some examples for these two theories.

First let's analyze this screenshot of one of Kurosawa's film, Seven Samurais.

The story here is that these guys r about to fight, possibly some big conflict. There silhouette can be sumed up like this, within the orange line.

We see this guy sticking out from this shape, implying he might be the head of this crowd.

Movement wise, their spears n heads face the same direction, telling u that the enemy will come from that side. Even this is a still frame, the movement is implied perfectly.

Another sample from Synecdoche,NY by Charlie Kauffman

This is a minimalist way of conveying emotion, u only see one main character here, and hardly any movement. Why is it so powerful?

Our main character, Caden, is in the almost center of this shot. He has a clear n simple shape. You don't normally put your main object in the center, so we'd assume he's very important.

Then there's this repeated notes in the background. When something is repeated a lot, it giver u an impression of pressure. Especially when he's surrounded by them, and they take more space within the frame than he does.

Also, this is a down shot, the camera is pointing down and behind him. You'll feel your character being watched or at his lower point of life when u do that.

Inspirations:

Movies mostly, and traditional artists.

Back when I was in film school I watched a bunch of movies n that slowly became a habit, movies r very good sources for ideas.

Even if you're not having enough time, watching reviews n analysis would also help, (but I'd suggest u try to consume the films not listening to critics to get a unique experience.)

Some of my favourite directors are:

Kelly Reichardt (First Cow)

Apichatpong (Tropical Malady, Memoria);

Charlie Kaufman (Synecdoche NY, Adaptaion);

Satoshi Kon (Paprika, Perfect Blue);

Kurosawa Akira (Yume, Kagemusha );

Edgar Wright (Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz );

Kusturica (Black Cat White Cat, Underground 1995);

Carol Reed (The Third Man)

Errrm I hope it's helpful? (❁´◡`❁) The next tutorial is gonna be even longer.

[rorichuu]

Hiii! (Feel free to ignore this, btw)

Could I request a tf2 scout x male!reader, where spy (with the help of other mercs like demo) tries to get the reader drunk, so that they make some bad mistakes? Basically spy is trying to get scout to lose interest in reader, because of how he has treated his partners in the past, and doesn’t want that for the reader? But in the end, scout and reader still end up in a relationship? Sorry this might be a little confusing.

rebel ; scout x male!reader

pairing: scout x male!reader

authors note: heya! i had sososo much fun writing this, like oh my god?! thank you for sending this in!

disclaimer: cursing in the mercs' native tongue, descriptions of being drunk, and Engineer/Spy being parents towards the end.

SIDE NOTE: if you don't like the Engineer/Spy ship, that is 110% okay! i can totally scrap it if you don't like it... i just thought it might be a cute addition. happy reading, my friends!

"C'monnn Y/n, take another wee shot with me, now will ya!" Demo exclaimed over the loud music that boomed throughout the base. They had won victoriously and declared a party to celebrate their winnings... and expectantly, Demo had brought drinks.

"Don't tempt me, I've drunken... a, uh... a lot!" You slurred, lips tasting of liquor, grammar non-existent at this point. The Scotsman booed loudly, his hand now (as best he could) waved in front of you. The potent liquid hitting your nose, you let out a drawn groan, quick to grab the shot from his hands as you downed the shot with ease. Soon after, the burn caught up to you, leaving you in a coughing fit as Demo slapped your back.

"I knewww you could- hic ... handle it, lad!"

Originally, it was Spy's idea to get you drunk. Unusual to think about unless traced back to past events... the Frenchman got sick over the idea of you so casually flirting with the Scout. The boy was smooth with his advances; a hand on your shoulder here, a horrible flirtation there... he couldn't let be anymore.

The reason Spy was stepping in was merely the thought of you two ending up together. His heart twisted at the idea that he may mess and wear at your heart tirelessly; a flirt only to be a flirt. Spy focused deeply on Scout's (seemingly) exterior intentions, quick to frown and wince at the failures he put upon Miss Pauling. Spy wished only for you to not get hurt... and though this is seen as unfair, it was absolute to him to bring this to an end.

Spy's advances would never have gone unnoticed; Spy isn't a drunk, and he doesn't take down shots like a certain Scotsman does... so when this was approached, Engineer was the first to speak and pull aside Spy after the announced party.

"Are you sure about this, Spy?" The Texan asked, voice full of question as the others observed... Scout and you being, of course, absent.

"Plenty. I know Scout and the same goes for all of you," he began, hand swift to pull out a cigarette from his holder. "I simply cannot let Scout and Y/n become an..." The Frenchman sighed, lighting his cig with a click of his lighter. He inhaled its smoke and allowed it to settle deep into his lungs. "Item." People spoke outwardly about this. Though Demo could partially agree... and Sniper simply without care... everyone else was against the idea aside from Pyro, who was continuously drawing in the back, happy in their own world of drawn-out gore and rainbows.

"Y/n has own mind. He is smart man, do not underestimate." Heavy rumbled, eyes furrowed in disagreement. But Spy shook his head, his hand snapping his cigarette holder shut before placing it inside his dress coat.

"If you will, I will carry on. I do not need anyone's input to sway my decision. Good day, gentlemen." And with that, Spy had left.

. . .

Demo was mindlessly helping... unbelievably drunk, but aware of his goal. He had to get you drunk! That was the easy part! But you were making drunken decisions that would make anyone gasp... and impressions of the other mercs was certainly new.

"YOU ARE A MAGGOT HATCHED FROM A- hic ... MUTANT MAGGOT EGG!" With one hand raised confidently in the air, holding a mug half-full of beer, you were partially crouched pointing at Soldier with your mocking taunt. While Demoman and Scout doubled over in laughter, you and Soldier remained yelling at each other... with your trying impression and his angered, drunken response.

"I DO NOT SPEAK LIKE THAT, MAGGOT!" Soldier exclaimed. "DROP DOWN AND GIVE ME 20!" You barked with laughter, hand at stomach as you nearly fell off the table... Heavy was quick to catch you. And as his large hands balanced you, you greeted him with a quick hello and a turn of your foot, intention to walk away... but before you could escape, his hands were rested on your shoulders.

"Best if Y/n drank water. Heavy will give you bottle." The Russian man advised, Medic close beside him nodding with agreement with a clipboard in hand. You shook your head, your giggling dying down, only if just a little bit.

"T-The party just started!" You began. "Plus, this is only my... what, my f... fuhhh, fourth drink?!" You yelled back at Demo as if to ask, he simply gave you a thumbs up as he continued to converse with Soldier.

"Y/n, z'his is your 11th drink..." Medic informed you, keeping note of your alcohol intake. Your lips purse together as you let out a 'pfft'. The German shook his head and sighed. "Please be more careful with your drinking. Demoman is enough proof alone to prevent alcoholism." Medic scowled, his sights on Tavish who was currently singing a Scottish tune... ungodly slurred and incomprehensible on his drunken tongue... and an arm wrapped around the Soldier as they danced cheek-to-cheek.

Medic then shook his head, a noise leaving his throat out of annoyance. "His liver is... surely, dead." Medic left a few scribbles on his clipboard, a head lowered down with his glasses sliding to the tip of his nose. Just moments later, Heavy had nudged Medic's arm, the German cursing in his native tongue from his jerked writing. "Was ist das?" (What is it?) He hissed before Heavy gently grabbed Medic's chin in his hands, turning his head to catch Spy conversing with you. You had slipped away.

"Scheiße." (Fuck.)

. . .

With Medic and Heavy's failed attempt to help you, it was then left to Engineer. The Southern and Frenchman were neck-to-neck, evident with their disagreements, and the intensity in the atmosphere was thick... but as Spy spoke with his silver tongue, suggesting decisions that were just downright rude, he cut through that air like butter.

With a cocky smirk and a swish of his hands, he ushered you up to Scout after his chat. Engie fired daggers into Spy's eyes, the sound of the beer bottle clinking loudly with the table before advancing towards the two. And every other merc, aside from Demo and Soldier who were clearly passed out at the bar, had their eyes on Engie. Pyro clapped their hands together and mumbled supportingly of his father figure.

But before Engineer could approach you, Spy slid in front of Engineer, hand placed on the left side of his chest. "Ah, I'll have to stop you there, mon ami." (My friend.) Spy spoke, his accent more pronounced the more pompous he got. Engineer glowered.

"I ain't gonna be your friend by the end-a' this night if you keep this up, pardner," Spy was caught slightly off guard by Engineer's translation of his remark. "You best leave that poor boy alone, his life ain't yours, and you got no right controllin' it the way you are now." As the two bickered and quarreled, the sound of you and Scout laughing alerted the two. Spy was the first to turn, looking over his shoulder as he found the two of you huddled close together... the Frenchman began to open his mouth but closed it soon after. Spy was defeated.

As his shoulders slumped, his face was, without a doubt, beat. Engineer huffed a soft laugh, hand patting his back as Pryo hopped over to offer him a beer. "C'mon, now. Let's have'a drink and talk, why don't we?" Engie said, Spy raised an eyebrow at the beverage in hand... his lip twitched in disfavor.

"Wine would be preferred." He spoke low, holding the drink by just its cap. The other man took the beverage for himself, twisting it open with ease.

"Not a problem, pardner."

. . .

The night swirled to an end. The loud snores of Demoman were overheard by Soldiers accompanied snoring. Every other merc had left for sleep, rubbing their eyes, intoxicated and hushed. All the while, Scout and you were slumped on the couch, entangled with a blanket.

Engineer was cleaning up after everyone, beer bottles put away, and sweeping up scrapped plastic cups. Spy, on the other hand, was leaning against the wall... observing the two of you in silent thought. Engineer caught wind of this, huffing before resting the broom against the bar table. He walked over to him.

"Somethin' on your mind, sugar?" He hummed, crossing his arms as he stood beside the man. Spy looked away due to the pet name, shuffling. Engie found this humorous.

"Non..."

"Does it have somethin' to do with Y/n and Scout? Perhaps?"

"N..." He thought for a moment. He sighed. "Oui." Spy found no reason to lie anymore, having found loss hours ago. Engineer sighed, his shoulder now leaning against Spy's, but just enough to not squish him.

"He'll do jus' fine with the boy. Y/n balances him out pretty well, yeah?" Engineer shared Spy's glance of the two. "Scout's happy with him. And the other way 'round... don't think we should be the judge'a that. No matter how much we wanna protect 'm." Engineer tried to reason, moving his shoulder against Spy's to sway his judgment... he knew he already succeeded, with the way Spy covered his face with his gloved hand.

"I suppose... you're right..." Spy grumbled. Engineer raised an eyebrow.

"What was'sat?" He egged on. "You. Were. Right..." Spy hissed.

"Did I hear a, 'you were right,' behind all that grumble?" With a smirk and a voice that spoke knowingly, the Frenchman lunged him off as the Southern man laughed.

"Shut up, just... just clean up like you were!"

And with the soft laugh of Engineer, the hushed mutterings of Spy... came around you and Scout, holding each other in sleepful peace.

The night ended. Just right.

.

.

.

rorichuu!

[karamazovposting]

On Ivan and bipolar disorder (part two)

Before continuing from where I left off in part one I have to say something: I go over some heavier stuff in here. Nothing that isn't already present in the book and that I haven't seen mentioned in other people's metas, but I still want to give you a heads up: the main focus of part two is suicide/suicidal ideation and childhood trauma. I mean, this is a The Brothers Karamazov meta about a bipolar coded character so I think you all already knew these things were going to be in here, but I think that if you have bipolar disorder or are close to someone who has it some things could be upsetting or remind you of some unpleasant (to put it mildly) experiences. Writing certain things hits me at least (though not in a triggering way), but I think it's important to touch certain topics as they are core topics when it comes to bipolar disorder and it's impossible to talk about it without going over the ugly stuff. I've also been on meds and in therapy for years and I'm doing fairly well in life now so that's all in the past. Anyway don't worry, this is the only part of this essay that includes these topics.

This said, here's what I'll go over in this post: mostly what Ivan says in The brothers get acquainted, Rebellion, and The Grand Inquisitor, focusing more on the former two than the latter, as I personally find a particular passage of The brothers get acquainted to be one of the most beautiful and bipolar things I've ever read and we need to talk about Rebellion to further understand Ivan's inner world. The Grand Inquisitor isn't really that useful in this case but there's one thing that caught my attention.

As I already said in part one, The brothers get acquainted is the chapter that made me decide that Ivan is bipolar coded. I've even written a specific part of it down and read it to my therapist because I am, in fact, clinically insane. At this point I don't think I can hide how biased I am anymore, not that I ever really tried anyway, so I'll start by saying that this is my favorite part of the whole book. It may seem strange because it seems like such a small and simple chapter: it's not The Grand Inquisitor, it doesn't have the dreamlike atmosphere of Cana of Galilee or the chaotic passion of Delirium; it's not the courtroom scene or the epilogue. No one's getting murdered or hallucinating the devil or getting falsely accused, just Ivan talking about himself and letting us see his humanity like we had never before. We get to know him in the same way and at the same time his own brother does.

Why is this, in my opinion, the most crucial passage? What does it tell us? This is the first window on Ivan's inner world we get and the first thing it tells us, through Alyosha, is that there's a significant gap between how other people see Ivan and how he actually is. I mean, we already had a glimpse of that in the previous chapters through Miusov, Dmitri and even Fyodor, but Ivan was never there. The difference here is not only that Ivan is present, but also that Alyosha managed to see right through him in a way the others didn't, and it's telling that Alyosha asks Ivan if he'll get angry and feel insulted after hearing what he picked up on, considering that it's just that Ivan is after all a regular twenty-three year old. Alyosha even tells him he's nice! The thing is that Alyosha thinks that to Ivan the offense wouldn't be in what he managed to see in him, but in the fact that he managed to see it in the first place. I think I'll go over this and the other characters' perception of Ivan in part three because it doesn't really fit with this part's themes and also I have a feeling this post will get long even without it (sorry!).

Ivan is not angry at all though, he's amused and he takes this opportunity to open up; after all he did say he wanted Alyosha to get to know him (and viceversa!). I think it's important to note that he ends up pretty much monologuing for three chapters straight, almost as if he's used to bottling up his feelings and keeping his thoughts to himself (I'm pretty sure it's actually stated somewhere that he does, I had some little notes I wrote in my phone mentioning something like that but my notes app crashed before I could save them and I can't for the life of me find it in the book, but I swear it's there).

Here we get to see Ivan's rather unusual attitude towards life: he's not actively suicidal in that moment, but he doesn't exclude the possibility of suicide later in life, and not only this is a very bipolar feeling on its own, but the origin of this feeling and the way he explains his reasons also are. Ivan is very tired, both physically and mentally, it's stated multiple times through the novel, but he doesn't necessarily hate life even though he has mixed feelings towards it; on one hand he says there is no kind of misery, no matter how deep, capable of making him want to stop living (after all, bipolar disorder is all about bouncing back up no matter what), but on the other hand he's repulsed by life and that's why he describes his lust for it as inconvenient and against logic. He wants to live but he hates that he wants to live and he knows he'll eventually get tired of it and just quit, and it's something he feels very strongly, all of it. The thing that really sticks out to me and that struck me is that his passive suicidal ideation is very thought out (unlike Dmitri's which feels more impulsive to me but that's another story for another post), like he's gone through miserable periods of his life several times (I mean, the narrator does also say it) and he came to the conclusion that yes, this is bearable, but only for a limited number of years. He says he asked himself a thousand times if it's worth it and after a thousand times he gave himself the illusion of choice: I will kill myself but I won't succumb to my misery, I'll just be too tired to keep living, it will be my choice. With Ivan (just like with bipolar disorder in general) it's all about control and it's something that hits very close to home to me to the point I had to stop reading to stare at the wall and go he gets it. He really does, this is a very common sentiment and experience among people with bipolar disorder and that's why it's sadly one of the mental disorders with the highest suicide rate (and most historical figures with bipolar disorder I know about actually did die by suicide). The constant up and down is exhausting and that's exactly the feeling Ivan's words gave me, he describes the bipolar experience so well I was genuinely impressed considering The Brothers Karamazov was written and is set in the second half of the 1800s, when psychiatry and psychology were just starting to be born. I think it's also important to mention that he doesn't really give himself much time either: he's only twenty-three and he set his own life to end at thirty. It's only seven years, but seven years can seem like an infinite amount of time when you have to deal with what we have to, especially if we consider my interpretation of Ivan and his childhood. What do I mean by that? I mean that this is about to get interesting (and kind of personal).

Now, in the past almost two-hundred years, no one has still figured out the exact cause of bipolar disorder as the exact mechanism behind it is still unclear (to the point we don't even know why the meds used to treat it work, we just know that for some reason they do) but it mostly comes down to two factors: genetic and environmental. It's usually a mix of the two and it's most likely that once again it varies between individuals, but a very common bipolar experience is the one of a traumatic and overwhelming childhood: many of us had to deal with a mentally ill parent growing up due to the genetic factor and many of us went through so much stress and trauma that the end result could be nothing but bipolar disorder. And this is where Ivan's character stumbles in: I think his protectiveness towards children and his impossibility to accept their suffering stem from his impossibility to accept his own traumatic childhood. Let's be clear, all four brothers had a traumatic childhood, but Ivan seems to be the one who's most impacted by it. Dmitri was abandoned by his mother at the age of three and his father forgot about him (just like he forgot about Ivan and Ivan also seems deeply affected by that considering how he reacts when Fyodor doesn't remember Aleksej's mother was also his own), Pavel never got to know his due to her death in childbirth, and Aleksej's only memories of his mother are fuzzy and dreamlike, which leaves Ivan as the only one who actually has clear memories of his mother: an ill woman who probably couldn't take care of him and his little brother properly because of that and who died young (very traumatic for a child); he probably still remembers her screams. There's a very well written post about how each brother was affected by their respective missing mother figure so I won't go into that because there's no need and it doesn't really fit in here, but I think this is a very important part of Ivan's life that also obviously reflects in his adulthood (again, I'll talk about it in the future), and that we have to take into consideration as an example of what kind of pain a child has to go through to turn out a certain way.

But why am I saying this? I'll be honest with you: mere projection. Ivan's words on the injustice of children's suffering resonated with me so much, especially in relation to his refusal to accept God's existence in a world that allows such things to happen. As you probably figured, I'm an atheist myself and I am for the same reasons he is. There's a quote by Sylvia Plath, who also had bipolar disorder: I talk to God but the sky is empty. I won't elaborate because I don't feel like this is the place, but I relate to it a lot and I think it's applicable to Ivan as well. Mind you that I'm not here to talk about religion, I mean no disrespect and I wouldn't have mentioned my atheism if it hadn't been relevant, so please don't say anything unnecessary about that.

My projection went even further when I realised that Ivan is young (we're the same age actually!), what business does he have to be talking like that? Why does he talk like that but his brothers don't? But I also talk like that so here's that and here's connecting the dots, as I started doing a couple paragraphs ago.

Symptoms of bipolar disorder on average start manifesting during early adulthood, which checks out because Ivan is twenty-three. But he already seems to have a lot of experience "on the field" and it's unusual for someone that age, so it got me thinking a lot, mostly about my own experience. I was "lucky" enough (I still haven't figured out if I'm being sarcastic or not, as it can be both a blessing and a curse, how ironic) to develop symptoms way earlier than the usual onset age of twenty-five, which led me to being diagnosed and starting treatment as a teenager (blessing, the earlier you start treatment the more effective it is on the long run), but which also means I was a terrified child fighting for my life on a daily basis (curse, for obvious reasons) and I thought that maybe Ivan's background could be similar to mine considering what I said earlier about his very strong feelings towards the suffering of children; it's still projection but at least it makes sense. I genuinely don't know how common this experience is, apparently cases like mine are quite rare (I've had this disorder for most of my life), so I guess I also take some sort of comfort in Ivan's character due to this.

And with that, we're done with both The brothers get acquainted and Rebellion, so where does this leave The Grand Inquisitor? As I said earlier, there isn't much to say about it in my opinion when it comes to the point I'm trying to make, but there is one particular thing that I noticed: Ivan thanks Alyosha for listening to him, he thanks him for caring. I found it very sweet but also quite sad and I think it's useful insight about how Ivan lives his life and his relationships with other people. If everything goes as planned, part three should be mostly focused on that and Ivan's particular (and partially self-inflicted) loneliness (which is also tied to how other people perceive him, I already mentioned that, I know) so I won't talk about it now. I also want to highlight that Ivan makes a joke! It's not the usual kind of joke he makes though, as we previously see that Ivan's humor consists mostly of taking the piss out of people he doesn't particularly like or agree with, this time he makes a lighthearted joke about his poem that isn't at the expense of anyone ("that's plagiarism") and he's even described as being delighted in that moment. I personally found that cute and I think we don't talk about this side of Ivan enough.

I'll stop here because I think I covered everything I wanted to regarding these particular parts of the book. I'm not completely satisfied with this, but I got stuck for days because it was a little hard for me to write this part, I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible because I had to treat matters I'm sensitive about (hence the slight change of tone between this and my other posts, I noticed and I hope it wasn't too depressing, I tried throwing in some humor here and there), so I wrote in as little sittings as possible and I barely gave this a couple rereads, sorry. It feels more emotional than part one, which is something I am not a fan of but I'm not surprised and there isn't much I can do about it (other than fix my own discomfort with human emotions I guess but I'm working on it). I wanted to write this but at the same time I didn't but there was no way for me to completely exclude my personal experience as it's the main reason why I saw what I saw in Ivan and I'm writing this essay in the first place, but please don't dwell too much on it. I managed to edit most of it out anyway but still.

I wanted to go over Ivan's implied problem with alcohol as well and also the comparison with Dmitri (I mentioned him at the beginning for this reason) because I see the two of them as being two sides of the same coin, but I didn't really know how to include them (I think I'll briefly talk about the former in one of the next parts but I'm not sure how or when) and then I realised these topics can be treated together (as I think they're related) in a separate and more elaborate post that is not part of this essay, so look forward to that (and the rest of this long ass thing).

[ingravinoveritas]

Theres a tumblr blog on here who has seen the entirety of s2 before release and they said this:

“If David and Michael didn't have wives I would have assumed they'd fucked at some point during filming because their chemistry is seriously unreal

the amount of sexual tension is fucking insane, y'all have no idea what you're in for”

I immediately thought of you cos wooooow

Oh, my, Anon. Well, I do think I know the blog you're referring to, though I won't link to it/the post lest people run across any spoilers they are not looking for. But that statement doesn't surprise me one bit, though it is absolutely delicious to have that confirmation of what so many of us already suspected.

On a few points, I will note that they actually don't both have wives, as Anna is Michael's girlfriend, but they are not married. It seems to be a common assumption, however, but it is interesting that after four years and two kids, there doesn't appear to be any sign of a ring. I don't particularly think that that would stop Michael anyway, given his past predilections and the number of times we know he's dated/hooked up with/fallen in love with co-stars (Rachel McAdams, Kate Beckinsale, lots of rumors about Lizzy Caplan, even though I'm not certain that was ever confirmed).

The chemistry and sexual tension between Michael and David has been evident and incredibly powerful since the first season of GO, so I would not be at all surprised if they have fucked--likely multiple times, and likely long before now. This also ties into what I just discussed in my response to another Anon, about the possibility of a polyamorous arrangement between Michael, David, and Georgia. (I do not believe AL has ever been part of this arrangement, however, and I still do not think she is, for numerous reasons that I've cited previously on my blog.)

I wanted to end my reply here with a gif or picture of one of the countless moments of Michael and David giving "just had sex" energy, but I find myself going back to one particular moment from four years ago. One moment that probably most people wrote off as a joke, but that now seems to have been a forerunner to all that we've gotten since from Michael, David, and Georgia in the form of truth disguised as a joke:

How does that old saying go? "When someone tells you who they are, believe them the first time." And I absolutely believe that if Michael and David are lovers (and have been for a while), that is exactly what we'll see play out with their dynamic on screen in GO season 2. I truly can't wait to see it...

[kawarikisaki]

Kaito becoming Kid was all part of a plan.

I mentioned this off-hand in a previous post and I'm sure it's not any kind of hot take, but I thought I should probably expound on it because this is a bit that I think is true absolutely regardless of if the evil Toichi thing is or not, though Toichi being evil would definitely make it worse.

It was clearly planned for Kaito to become Kaito Kid, and it must have been a plan that was put in motion pretty early on in Kaito’s life but I'll get back to that point later.

Instead, I want to start with the evidence against this because it's not much, but there is one thing: Jii-chan claims Toichi told him not to tell Kaito- that Kaito must not be told that he was Kid. And we can assume that's true because it doesn't actually make a difference here whether it was or not, because I'd like to argue that the purpose was to make becoming Kid Kaito’s choice rather than something he felt forced into.

Next I'll go over some evidence that doesn't really need any twisting: the secret Kid room (Kid Cave? Yep, I'm gonna call it the Kid Cave), because there are two separate things I want to point out regarding it.

1. The entrance being in Kaito’s bedroom.

2. The jukebox (1412) that speaks words of wisdom and advice that are clearly addressed to Kaito. (And the cassette tape that calls Kaito by name when he enters the first time in the manga)

I feel like point 2 kind of speaks for itself, but there are a few counter arguments to point one and I think I'd be remiss to not at least bring them up:

We don't know how long Kaito has been living alone, but, the room that's currently his bedroom may not have always been his bedroom- perhaps up until Toichi's death that was the room where he stored his magic supplies and planned out new tricks, like an office, and that Kaito moved into the room sometime after the accident because he liked the large poster of his dad and being in the room he used to work in made him feel a closeness to him.

It also feels worth noting that it may not be the only entrance to the Kid Cave, especially considering that there's a car inside so there must be a car assessable entrance. So it could be that Kaito's room was not the intended entrance (though it certainly looks like it should be in all the versions we've seen.

Two more things I wanna say about the Kid Cave that aren't really relevant, but how likely am I to make post specifically about random details about the Kid Cave, and it's on my mind right now, so you get it now:

The poster door was probably remotely unlocked. When we see it open it doesn't really seem like it takes much force to move the revolving door- Kaito really seems to only be gently pressing on it and it spins. If it were always that simple then I find it hard to believe that the door would have never opened in the past 8 years. So I instead propose that the door had been locked, then the lock was either released on a timer when Kaito reached a certain age or the lock was opened via remote when Jii-chan's heist as Kid was announced publicly. (We actually kind of see this in the 1412 anime, because the gears move and make a noise before Kaito touches the poster)

And lastly, where do you think the Kid Cave is located in the house? I've always that the impression of Kaito's room being on the second floor of the house (he has a balcony to his room, but it's lower than Aoko's), and I think that the Kid Cave is likely in a basement. This is supported by the fact that Kaito falls when he enters the cave, and also by the fact that Kaito is smart when it comes to recognizing illusions. Kaito would absolutely notice if there were a space in the floorplan of the house that was unaccounted for- if the outside of the house didn't match up with the inside in such a way that a massive room was hidden (also there's a spiral staicase, so it absolutely isn't in the top level of the house). So basement.

Anyway, that's all for the distraction, now onto my final point of evidence that Kaito being Kid was something that had been planned:

Kaito himself.

I've always thought it was weird that Kaito learned about Kid and then after just a little bit of emotion-ing about it is completely prepared to take up the mantle the very same night. Sure he already knows magic, and there's some skill overlap there- but it's more than just that, he doesn't have the experience needed to be a thief yet but he does already have the skillset. These are presumably things his father taught him, or things Kaito was led to learn by reading his father's old notes. And the fact that he went to the scene in the suit that first night tells us that he felt like he was completely ready to do this without any kind of support; Jii-chan becoming his assistant was just a stroke of luck for him, he'd have been Kid anyway at that point.

So what I'm saying here is that Toichi knew he'd have to fake his death at some point, so he prepared, and Kaito was primed to become his willing successor to the white cape and hat.

[light-lanterne]

was going to write something with will and guns (as inspired by @cosmobrain00's post) but the concept is currently eluding me so i'll leave it for later and instead share the main reason i don't personally like that trope :\

w // mentions of trauma, abuse, violence and death (and guns, of couse)

of course, there is a lot to say about taking a sweet character and forcing him to do something that goes inherently against his nature in an effort to make him "cooler" or "badass", which completely disregards the fact that it's will's "softness" what makes him a strong and compelling character. he remains pure-hearted even after everything he's gone through; he remains gentle even though he has all the reasons to be bitter. taking a tender character like him and giving him a stereotypically masculine and "action hero-esque" role takes away from such qualities, and completely ignores the fact that will has many other strengths and unique abilities he can provide to the overall group dynamic (which make him a much more interesting character than certain other members of the extended party, like hopper).

there is also a lot to say about how pushing the idea of giving him a gun to make him tougher is exactly what lonnie was trying to do with both jonathan and will, and how such behaviour is part of the passive (and active) homophobia lonnie was enacting on will specifically. needless to say, the fact that his abusive, homophobic, physically violent father had a gun in the house would also undeniably be a source of trauma and terror for will, regardless of whether lonnie tried to teach him to use it (like with jonathan) or not.

(making him face this fear would do little for his character arc, though, considering the story's presented that specific point as something for jonathan to face and conquer as opposed to will, whose arc is more oriented towards him facing his upside down-related trauma (which would already have him dealing with his many other sources of trauma, anyway))

and of course, there is the point that guns have been abundantly showcased as completely ineffective against upside down critters, which again, are the main enemy will's been set up to defeat in some way in his recovering-his-life, coming of age journey.

now, those are all the main points why having will use a gun would be nothing but a disservice to his character and his arc. and it's important to note that all these facts have been mentioned abundantly by others in the past,,, but there is something else that i don't think i've seen anyone mention ever, and that is the fact that will quite literally knows what being shot at is like. and i'm not talking about the lenora debacle with unknown hero agent man (where he was thankfully not hit).

i'm taking about that moment in s2 when the demodogs were being shot. and sure, during the hawkins lab siege, will was knocked out and it's unclear if he would've felt anything,,, but during the last sequence, with the party burning the tunnels and el closing the gates, hopper was shooting at dozens of demodogs whilst will was still connected to the mind flayer and thus, he certainly saw and felt everything the demodogs were going through.

(he might've even felt them (himself) die to the gunshot wounds.)

so yeah, i really don't like the idea of giving such a character a gun (which his father would've traumatised him with) and forcing him to kill things with bullets (a feeling he would know even if he's never been directly hit) just so he can look cool and wow other members of the party with how manly and austere he's become.

but i digress >.<

[altraviolet]

Oh man now that I've seen TWO asks this day about Soundwave dying, is that the inevitable conclusion to this fic? Did I miss this big spoiler somewhere or all the clues to it? I don't remember seeing a "Major character death" tag, either.

Or is this people speculating and doing "what if"? ...not that I'd be adverse to it, especially if it made sense to do so!

Also I completely understand about work sapping all creative juices. While I don't write (I've dabbled in the past, but little 3k words or less things for OC's way back in the LJ days), I used to sketch, draw, paint nearly every day for hours before I ended up in a corporate 9-5, full time job. Even doing customer service jobs, I was able to sketch on napkins and scrap receipt paper and sticky notes.. and now I just.. can't. Its unbelievable how mentally draining full time jobs can be. Every now and then I'll get the sketch pad or watercolors out,but it's maybe once or twice a year now.

I've seen writers who do ko-fi for tips or writing commissions for certain stories (I remember a tf author I used to follow did this - where a story was only continued if the chapters were commissioned) - or even patreons, where they set up an early access to the newer chapters, and the cut scenes, additional content - have you thought about those? I think you've got a big enough following where it could be feasible to go part time! And maybe fund a self publishing of an original work sometime down the road!

>is that the inevitable conclusion to this fic? Did I miss this big spoiler somewhere or all the clues to it? I don't remember seeing a "Major character death" tag, either.

The major tag on the fic is "Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings." You haven't missed a big spoiler or clues. The influx of "WHAT IF HE DIES" was puzzling to me, too, but I rolled with it.

I'm curious why people think Soundwave is going to die, when one of the major themes of the fic (at least to me, inside my head) is bringing people back from the dead. Not literally, of course. But... but did they see the whole point of what Rodimus is doing? Trailbreaker, Ambulon, and Mirage? Skywarp? Literally pulling Soundwave from the shadow zone, where life is not worth living?

There's actually a lot more I want to say on this, but I don't want to spoil the story. I have a FAQ planned for when the fic is done and I address death in it, and my approach to writing it vs JRO, and the aforementioned major theme.

I'm guessssssssinnnnnnng people are going the doom route because of the Scavengers, and because Soundwave keeps getting injured and can't be healed, and because... ? I feel like stakes have been high in the past, so maybe that's part of it, too. I won't say anything else for now, though.

This post got long so I'll put the rest under a cut.

>Its unbelievable how mentally draining full time jobs can be.

good god, yeah. low key, I used to be an artist (mostly hobbyist, a few pro jobs). I gave up and went back to writing because it's much easier/comes more naturally to me, and that's all I have energy for. I fuckin' mourned stopping art, to be honest. but you know what, I'd rather have Echo Garden than slog through commissions. I learned I'd rather create my own things than do things other people want me to do. so I guess learning that about myself was ... good. it's absolutely unbelievable how draining a 9-5 job is. I will admit I am jealous of people who have spouses or understanding parents that allow them to do art full time by providing a safety net in the form of housing and health insurance. jealousy is very human, you know :D surely there is a better balance out there for us ;A;

>I remember a tf author I used to follow did this - where a story was only continued if the chapters were commissioned

oooohhhhhhhh you know... I get it. I get people need money. but that doesn't sit right with me. I would not withhold fic like that.

>patreons, where they set up an early access to the newer chapters, and the cut scenes, additional content - have you thought about those?

I've thought about it only in the fanciful sense. To be honest, unless I was getting enough support to quit my job, it's not really going to change my life. Like, how do I say this. I won't have any more additional time in the week to write if I make $50 extra/month through patreon. I'll still be doing my full time job AND I'll have an obligation to write for people. Does that make sense? Unless a patreon offsets the actually draining thing in my life, it's just another thing I have to do.

Although 'early access to chapters' sits way better with me than denying future chapters UNLESS funded. Though paying for fic is a huge gray area and I don't think it's wise to poke that beast...

>I think you've got a big enough following where it could be feasible to go part time!

thank you, I appreciate your kindness here :D I don't think my following is big enough, though. I think the readership is maybe 1400 people? and a bunch of those are minors and most of the adult fandom is fucking broke, lol. (the tf fans with the money tend to be the major toy buying ones, not the fanfic reading ones. Stereotype, but that's my observation)

and part of the problem is my place of employment. I asked, years ago, if I could go part time (so I could practice art) and my boss said no. it's a full time only position ;A; which is why I say, unless patreon can fully support me, it's not really feasible. freelancing incurs a higher tax rate and you don't have any health insurance, so I'd actually have to make more than I am now... and given the number of absolutely fantastic fan artists I see struggling to make it with patreon, I know I can't (since fan artists make more than fan writers)

I hope that my answers don't sound dismissive. Thank you very much for your empathy and kind ideas. I don't think the fandom can support me monetarily in the way I would need, and I think their interest in me will drop as soon as Echo Garden is finished. I base this statement on the fact that TEG has exponentially higher stats than any of my other fics.

The people clearly want only one thing, and it will eventually end xD

If you or anyone else thinks I'm looking at this wrong and there may actually be a way I can write without dying, please let me know. I've thought about this for years and the above is what I've concluded.

Thank you again for the kind ask! <3

[psianabel]

Ephemer's and Brain's scenes where they get appointed as a Union Leader - a comparison (and some other stuff relating to that)

Hi I'm Psi and I've been rotating these scenes in my mind for so long I just need to put down some words about this. Idk how long this is going to be, but I hope you will enjoy this. (Also screw the 10 picture limit of tumblr.)

There is quite the difference between those two scenes and it reflects a lot about their relationship with Ava, how they treat the title as a Union Leader, and are just ... generally interesting to look at, now that we kinda know everything.

The first frame each scene.

We know all of them got appointed at this same hill (except Strelitzia and, well, Ventus). Yet right from the start - even though the positioning are the same between them, Brain is seen lying down on the hill as Ava talks to him, while Ephemer seems to have been called to the hill to meet Ava there. Ava might have joined Brain on the hill instead of the other way around.

Brain is seen with the Rule Book in his hands already. The conversion starts for us right in the middle - he already got that book, and Ava told him to become a Union Leader.

The scene with Ephemer also starts right in the middle for us. Yet he doesn't have the rule book yet, but also asks Ava the same question as Brain.

Let's continue with Ephemer's scene for now. He questions everything Ava tells him, can't quite understand this end of the world, how he can't wrap his head around this while Ava already tells him what he has to do. It is very overwhelming for him (understandable), but he tries to listen to Ava's talk.

Ava assures him he isn't alone in this, that they can work together.

Ephemer just takes it all in, without questioning this loud on screen. I'm certain his mind is running miles right now. A silent thinker.

Brain, however, reacts quite differently. While we don't see the conversation they had before, the talk about the end, the war, doesn't happen here (which I definitely get from a narration point, and assume happened as he got the Rule Book before this scene started).

Instead he questions the choice of him taking on such an important role, immediately asking whose idea this was. Ava tells him the truth, that it was the Master of Masters, and assures him he'll be fine. And again Brain isn't quite happy about the work he just got appointed to do, and questions her about the four others - Ava must have told him about how they will take over the roles of the foretellers, to lead the Unions, how they can work together etc.

While he doesn't get an answer to his question, Ava's answer is still enough for him to draw an answer for himself - looking right through everything, how they aren't supposed to meet up before the war to do something unexpected.

"Clever as always" says to me that Ava knew Brain before all this. They definitely have met before, Ava knows how Brain thinks, how he's like and what he's capable of. Her short answers of "you'll be fine" over and over imply to me that.

The two scenes now drift apart in terms of the topic, yet they still kind of follow the same path.

Ava asks Ephemer to prepare for the other world - the world she intends to send the Dandelions to - while she starts a conversation about fate and destiny about Brain.

Again, let's start with Ephemer's scene first. Ava has given Ephemer the Rule Book now, and while Ephemer is still hung up about everything Ava just told him, Ava tells him how this other world won't have the Dandelions remember the war. Ephemer counters with how he isn't sure if this is a good idea, how the past is what makes the future after all. Ava notes how she thought he might say that and wonders if he still thought the same if he was there to witness the end.

Ephemer doesn't answer and the scene ends.

Throughout the entire scene Ava stays serious, going through this calm and collected without showing much emotion. The only time she does crack a small smile is at the very end.

Ava, now having joined Brain's side on the ground, starts dropping think-pieces towards Brain about the future, about predetermined fate, and if you knew what would happen, would you be able to change it.

Brain always answers her curious questions with curious questions of his own, furthering the discussion with her. He brings up the Book of Prophecies and knows how it holds the future in text form, wonders if you were to change the future if the text were to change as well.

Ava's expressions during that scene stays smiling, she chuckles at some answers from Brain, ... it comes off as appreciation that Brain just gets her, understands what she is about and her thought process.

A wavelength they share. Ava trusts him and you can see it in that conversation alone.

It is interesting, because with Ephemer - as he states the past is what makes the future - she simply comes off as "don't think about that. Follow the rules set in stone". Ephemer tries to challenge the thought, but Ava shuts him down. Even that far that, when he later meets Brain for the first time and Brain asks about the rules, Ephemer remembers Ava's words and follows what he had been told to.

Sure, these two topics - between Ava and Ephemer, and Ava and Brain - are different, yet it is still a conversation only the two individually got. And I can't help but compare these two, because the intentions of these scenes are the same, yet so vastly different excecuted.

And to bring everything to a peak, Brain's scene continues with him getting the Book of Prophecies, together with the list of the names of the five new Union Leaders.

Again, Ava trusts Brain in this, how he uses it, what he's supposed to do with it. And he assures her that he understood her message loud and clear. The scene ends with Brain saying he won't open it if he can avoid it and Ava, again, assuring him that he will know best.

Ava was intrusted to give the Book of Prophecies to one of the new Union Leaders in secret, noted that no one else from the other four should ever get their hands on it. Now that we know it wasn't Brain who was supposed to get it, the look at this and some other scenes get quite ... interesting.

There are some leftover things I want to cover.

- Ava and Brain have a much more comfortable conversation than Ava and Ephemer. I conclude from that that they knew each other before all this, as I mentioned before. Ephemer states that Ava is easy to talk to, so maybe that is also a factor. I also conclude from this that she specifically chose Brain for the Book because she already knew him. If she knew him before or after she got the list with the names would really be interesting to know, but sadly we don't know that. (But could you imagine if she knew him before she got her role?)

- Maybe Ephemer just needed this serious talk. We do know him as his bright, laughing boy, able to make friends quickly. He has troubles making important serious decisions alone (Shift Pride for example). Brain on the other hand is the more serious one, and Ava was more smiley in his scene - he can make decisions on his own if he wants to, maybe coming from a background where he was alone pre keyblade war times. Hm, just wondering here how this might be relevant to Missing Link one day ...

- Which scene happens first? Ephemer's or Brain's? I can only speculate, but let's put some things in order. We see one other scene between Ephemer and Ava, and it is when they meet at the fountain on the day Ephemer first met Player. There the conversation starts with "oh your name is Ephemer, right?" as if they ... have maybe met once before. Ava would definitely know Ephemer more here already if they had the talk about the Union Leader thing already. It must have been later than this then, though not much all too later, because Ephemer vanishes shortly after, to carry out what Ava asked him to do.

- So, Brain's scene before or after this point? We don't have a clear indication. I want to bring in the lines during the Ephemer - Ava fountain scene "Hey, maybe talking about the Book will cheer you up!" "Not a chance." here, simply because I feel this is important to Ava's decision of giving Brain the Book. Ephemer is so curious about the Book of Prophecies, he doesn't hide it. There is another line I want to bring in now, from the KHUx Finale.

"Master Ava told me you've been wanting to read the Book for a long time." This very line could reference this very fountain scene, implying that Brain and Ava met again at some later point to let him know just about that. Which is interesting, because it means that Brain knew that Ephemer was a Union Leader even before the war, or maybe Ava told him in a way without mentioning he's a new leader - paraphrasing here - "there is a boy called Ephemer who wants to read the Book so badly". Either way, it makes me think Brain's scene happened before Ephemer's just because of this line.

- following up on my previous point, Brain knowing that Ephemer wants to read the Book so badly from the very beginning makes the keyblade graveyard scene of them meeting for the first time interesting to look at. Other theories aside here, Brain asking him if he's the leader and if they should follow the rules, knowing this one thing about Ephemer - challenging him like Ava did in his scene, but this time in reversed roles. Kind of to see where he stands.

- knowing all that, seeing their relationship flourish through the game is so ... good. From Brain questioning if he's the leader to downright trusting him by showing him the list of the names of the Union Leaders, being the first person Brain seeks out to talk about this issue they face. I will not go into details about that, I just want to conclude it with my final image.

The keyblade, the Book, it was meant for Ephemer all this time - implying that Ephemer was the one who was circled in red by the Master of Masters in the first place.

I could go into another deep dive here, about how this was meant to happen in the first place, how even if Ava wanted to challenge fate and destiny by switching around the owners, this timeline was written down in the first place like that - but maybe that's for another day.

So ..... yeah.

Two scenes, so different, yet so similar to the core. Ephemer, who took his role as a Union Leader serious right away. Brain, who calls him a leader right away, calling himself lazy and not fit for the job in the first place.

Yet in the end they worked together blindly, understood and trusted each other.

Anyways uhhh, that's all, thanks for reading and I hope my jumbled thoughts make somewhat sense, lmao.

[variousqueerthings]

also, to be that guy who's obsessed with the mythologisation of dr james barry for a second (it's been awhile on this blog I feel), I was interested in how casanova the tv show felt like a deliberate play with myth through the framing and the anachronisms and the lighting and the blocking and and and -- and how casanova himself is a heavily mythologised person, to the point that my partner asked me if he was real before we started

I feel like there's a similarity in ideas in dr james barry and casanova -- they were both adored and reviled, talked up and talked down depending on the agendas of whoever was spreading their tale, both with larger-than-life personas and adventures that seemed to teeter out in the later years as the traits that served them in youth (brashness, stubbornness, laissez-faire attitude around money, very specific ideas around how to live that didn't mesh with the laws and morals of society around them, a genius that in youth is considered prodigy-like... etcetc) (the details, of course, are different) became something that others were embarrassed about/didn't respond to as they aged and lost their connections

(also this is tv-show, so I don't know until I read the diaries, but they both seemingly had a manservant with whom they were very close/came with them on their various journeys)

casanova has the distinction of having a set of diaries that allow one to peruse primary material at ones leisure, so despite being someone whom one might only know from a particular re-telling or history book or even just as an idea, there is some power in being the main teller of his own story

which dr james barry of course doesn't really have. I feel like I read somewhere that he had more private letters that were lost at sea (which whenever I have that memory of having read that, I squint and wonder if I'm not participating in the mythologisation myself), but certainly the majority of what we think we know about him is either from others' opinions of him or just plain wrong/written after his death

in my head though, I think out of the many many biography-type movies and tv shows I've seen, the casanova show might be the closest to something I'd imagine for barry -- not for the same story, of course (the years of their lives also barely overlapped, but my special interest brain did note that early napoleonic and post-napoleonic era), but for the presentation. the idea of indulging in the fantasy, of the playing with anachronism, of an interaction with present (our present) and past. and mostly of fun

I think in a lot of the narratives around barry, it's often hard for me to see someone I think would live the life that he lived -- who had fun, who made deliberate, conscious choices that he enjoyed making, who was very passionate about his ideals and medicine and who -- like casanova -- was very much his own man. they're so often so preoccupied with ideas of deception and being found out and imagined projected cisgender anxieties. they often lack fun, and when they do insert their modern lens (in whatever time whatever thing about him was created), it's not to bridge the gap between us and him, to imagine who he'd potentially be if he lived now, it's to inject their personal ideas about what is morally correct to them onto a symbol

and yeah, at this point dr barry is more figure than man, as happens generally to historical people, especially those we remember for Highly Specific Things (like casanova, like barry), and I think it'd be interesting to really engage with that, to go deep into the world barry lived in, and to make him a figure who was cognizant of that world and the structures he was defying, who felt good about the choices he made

there's a certain idk... thematic overlap between the two figures. and that was something I really really enjoyed while watching this

[tsumuuu]

ℙ𝕣𝕖𝕥𝕥𝕪 𝕊𝕖𝕥𝕥𝕖𝕣 𝕀𝕕𝕠𝕝 𝕊𝕢𝕦𝕒𝕕!

𝕂𝕚𝕟𝕘 - Ｔｏｂｉｏ　Ｋａｇｅｙａｍａ

What if the Haikyuu setters were a bunch of idols in an idol group called PSIS (Pretty Setter Idol Squad) and you happen to be their self-proclaimed "biggest fan" and win an all-inclusive tour of the behind-the-scenes of each member! What will you find out about each member? What are their lives off the stage like? Will you get to know them or will you just be another fangirl?

notes: Written in 2nd person, a bit angsty word count: 1.1k enjoy!

KING, also known as Tobio Kageyama, is the youngest member of the group, at the age of 19.

Kageyama is the most serious member of PSIS and the newest member of the group.

He's one of the rappers in the group

Every public appearance he has made, he's seen with an unfazed expression.

His photocards are usually him in a serious pose and never seen smiling.

Rumored to be the most professional acting idol.

Not much is known about him as an idol, hence why so many people love him, for his mysterious aura.

His fans have a really hard time getting his attention.

The first dressing room is that of KING's. The most stoic and unfazed member of PSIS. You decide to give a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" his voice seemed a bit annoyed.

"Uh- I'm the winner of the all-inclusive V.I.P tour. You can ask the head security guard for the verification!" you reply back to idol respectfully.

"Alright, let me open the door."

As the door opens you see a tall jet-black-haired male with dark blue eyes standing before you with a seemingly angry expression, he's wearing a white t-shirt and a gray pair of sweatpants, nothing you would have expected from an idol to wear. Though, the nicknamed mysterious idol fully did live up to his name since you feel intrigued by what stands before you.

"Let me guess, you didn't expect an idol to dress like this?" he questioned as he looked at you, still with his same expression.

"Oh no, it's nothing like that, It's just, I-I don't think..." You're trying to find an excuse to try and not offend KING. "I don't think I've ever been this close to an idol before!"

He lets out a sigh seeing straight through your lie, he didn't want to offend his fan so he went with the lie.

"It's alright, just please come in," he tells you with that same unfazed expression he is seen with. It's almost like his personal idol trademark at this point.

As you walk into the dressing room of KING, you are surprised to see the room is decked out with volleyball posters, with a mini-fridge of milk beside the couch. You also spot a volleyball on the ground next to the couch. You then thought I didn't take the oh-so-mysterious KING to be such a volleyball fan...

"I'm sure you didn't think this is what I would do in my past time..." KING lets out breaking the silents between you two.

You must admit, you didn't expect this from King. The fan theories online predicted he's secretly into modeling, or perhaps some party boy who goes to parties under a fake name, but definitely not this.

"I'm sure nobody did KING..." you reply back to KING with a surprised look.

"Please currently, don't refer to me as KING. Kageyama will do just fine," he tells you with a stern look. It seems he doesn't like his stage name too much.

"May I ask why?" you question with wide eyes. The fan pages on KING talk about how he doesn't usually let anyone call him his true name.

"I just, don't like it. We are kind of under contract to go by those names," he explains to you, his voice seemed genuine like he was upset about this certain matter.

Then again, why is he telling you this?

"Why are you telling me this exactly?"

"Because I don't exactly enjoy being an Idol as much as I use to." he lets out with a saddened expression. "I only started to support my family really, they were in a dire time."

The atmosphere became heavy as he explained his reason for becoming an idol. You feel as if you're getting to know, Kageyama, and not KING. You start putting together some pieces, the volleyball posters, the story he's telling you, all of it.

"I assume then you gave up on an important dream," you ask him with a sorrowful expression.

he looks you in the eyes. "Yeah, I had a real passion for volleyball..." he bitterly smiles after saying that. "I had the potential to go pro, but I gave that up for what I thought was the greater good."

"That was very selfless of you Kageyama." you look at him with a smile. "You gave up something you love most for your family," you add to your previous statement, attempting to console him.

"Maybe so... but I'm honestly thinking of quitting. I'm blessed I was able to get my family out of a tough situation 3 years ago but, I don't know if rapping in this group is what I want to do anymore..." he explains while putting his hand into a fist. "I mean, the other member I really do consider my brothers almost in a way," his expression turns into one of anger "but the restrictions of the contract and basically having no freedom takes one hell of a toll on you. Plus the KING isn't even close to the real me. I'm not actually the serious, unfazed, bastard people actually think I am. I hate the dressing up I have to do, I hate all the damn photoshoots, I hate this act I have to play!" he raises his voice a bit while letting out his emotions to you. "I'm sorry, you didn't need to know this." he looks away from your eyes.

You look at the stature of Kageyama, it shows the true feelings of how he really feels. All this pent-up anger, all the sorrowful feelings, all of it just makes you want to help him.

"Kageyama, I would like to know you."

He averts his gaze to you again, but this time, wide-eyed. He seems to be surprised by this statement, you have made.

"Do you truly mean it?" he lets out in a clear state of shock. "Are you one hundred percent certain about this?"

"I mean it, I would love to help you Kageyama-kun!" you tell him as you smile at him reassuring him that you truly mean what you're telling him.

Kageyama then gets up rummaging around his personal dressing room for something. As soon as he finds what he's looking for he hands it to you, it seems to be his phone number.

"Let's keep in contact, please?" he smiles at you for the first time and asked you in a more happy tone than previously

it seems like you got to know the real Tobio Kageyama, not the personification of KING.

taglist: @tooruchiiscribs @thechaosoflonging

@tsumuuu 2023

[o-uncle-newt]

On the Job minisode and Good Omens as a work on religion

(Note: This was originally a reblog of someone who then expressed that they were unhappy that I reblogged their post. As a courtesy I have reposted it as its own thing- for context, the person was upset that Neil Gaiman's take on religion was stale and said that of course if you have only a surface view of the Torah and the book of Job you'd come away with these kinds of negative impressions.)

I went to Orthodox Jewish day school for thirteen years. I thought the Job minisode was fine, as an adaptation of the story. Not breaking any ground theologically or whatever, but fine. (Though they did definitely get the number of Job's kids wrong, presumably for narrative simplicity, and the shoemaker joke doesn't work because he's really Bildad the ShuCHite.)

And, I mean, I don't think it should be MEANT to be anything but fine...? Good Omens is a fantasy novel in which heaven and hell are both the bad guys- Good Omens the show has basically kept in that model. The whole thing is about a simplistic look at the Christian Bible and a kind of cynical but light hearted agnosticism that doesn't really lend itself particularly to sophisticated religious analysis or whatever. It's not meant for that.*

The Job minisode was written by John Finnemore rather than Gaiman, a writer of whom I am a massive fan and, however, to whom I don't really look for sophisticated religious takes. He's done a Bible/religion sketch or two on his sketch show- I don't particularly love them, they're pretty surfacey- and he's self aware enough to make it very clear that he approaches everything from an "I don't believe in God but I grew up in a Christian country" perspective. (He's a lot more honest about that than a lot of other atheist/agnostic writers I've seen who do takes on religion, incidentally... so many people think they're being "objective" or whatever.)

The thing is, I actually really love the Job minisode as a Good Omens story, working within this complete fantasy world. I was disappointed in a lot of S2 but this felt like the characters, this felt like an interesting meditation on their roles and their choices... I don't know, it just really worked for me.

And I feel like part of the point is to pick one of those "well obviously on the surface this looks a bit fucked up" stories (rather than for there to be an implication that they're the only ones who noticed)- because they're working in a fictional universe in which it's been established since the nineties that heaven/God is at least a bit fucked up (no matter what I as a Jew may personally believe) and so they can just take it and run with it without having to explain! Gaiman did the same thing in S1 with the Garden of Eden and the Ark. It's just a canvas to put an Aziraphale/Crowley plot on. The original book is a Book of Revelations satire!

Honestly, I'm happier to have a pretty basic retelling of a story that's obviously fucked up on the surface, rather than them picking some midrash or something that's more subtle and nuanced and super Jewish-y and then turning it into something about how God or the angels or the demons are bad- partly because Jewish angel/demon stuff doesn't map well onto Good Omens's approach, and also because the whole point of the book from the start has been critical of organized Judeo-Christian (yes I know) religion writ large, and that's not going to change. That was weird for me to get used to as an Orthodox Jewish teen in a Bais Yaakov school when I first read it, but getting past it made me realize that all that meant was that they'd created a Biblical fantasy universe with certain tropes in it.

I think the Job minisode works perfectly well within that particular Biblical fantasy universe, and while I think that you can potentially criticize S1 (and in a slightly different way, the book) for that Biblical satire/fantasy not being particularly sophisticated about religion if that's something important to you, I don't think that it being sophisticated about religion would have improved it as a story.

*I did kinda sorta write a fic that tries to cast Aziraphale and Crowley in a more traditionally Jewish lens and... it was actually really hard. As I said above, the way the Good Omens world is set up doesn't really work for the Jewish thing. I had to make it really clear that angels don't have free will and that Heaven and Hell aren't two different sides.