#time of my life also weed dependent to just cope and also my job sucked. minor but still

[lilgynt]

naturally i’m gonna be very upset at 6:09 am after an all-nighter over my brother and his actions

[whentherewerebicycles]

when i talk with my mentees or students in my program about grad school, they are often like “i really love research and i want to get a PhD, but my professor / advisor / grad TA told me not to bother because there are no jobs.” and my reaction is always like... okay, yes, it IS important to know going in that there will likely not be an academic job at the end (and that this will have virtually nothing to do with your individual worth or value as a scholar and everything to do with luck, the vagaries of the job market that year, and a million other factors that are almost wholly outside your control). we DO have an ethical responsibility to help students understand and really think through the realities of grad school, including but not limited to: the terrible job market, the low stipends, the university’s exploitation of grad labor, the need to balance research obligations with several side hustles, the possibility that it may limit your ability to have a family (or to support family who are dependent on your wages), the often desperately inadequate mentoring/support structures (esp for BIPOC, women, queer and trans people, etc.), the ‘weed-out’ culture of many academic disciplines, and just in general the ways that academia can crush a person’s spirit.

but good lord! if you can get in & if you can go into the experience with your eyes open, with a good support network around you & at least a nascent critical consciousness around academic values/structures, then DO IT. there is no other profession, no other environment that i can think of, that gives you this kind of flexibility and freedom to pursue your own learning. you get to spend six to nine years of your life deeply immersed in researching, reading, writing, reflecting, and teaching. there are real tradeoffs -- mostly financial but also spiritual/emotional -- but my god, to have time, space, institutional resources, and a little bit of real intellectual freedom? it is a rare and incredibly precious thing. and if the idea of experiencing that truly lights you up inside, then by all means, you should go for it.

i try to communicate this to my students with just as much seriousness and passion as i communicate to them the realities of graduate school and academic institutions. i think it is especially important to do this with my little group of women mentees (all of whom are BIPOC, many of them queer-identified, all working in fields that are still underresourced or marginalized within our discipline). because after two years of working closely with this group of students, i see more and more of the ‘microinvalidations’ they receive from professors and advisors (usually white; usually but not always male), who often tend to gently advise these women out of the profession by encouraging them to aim lower (‘i don’t know if writing an honors thesis is right for your schedule this year’ or ‘i’m not sure you’re prepared to take X course, why don’t you take this [less competitive/rigorous] course instead’ or ‘why don’t you start with a masters degree and then see about the PhD later’), or by sharing only the worst parts of grad school in an attempt to dissuade them from applying, or just through benign neglect (such as giving only blandly positive feedback on their writing, instead of giving them the thoughtful, critical, rigorous engagement they need to continue growing as scholars).

idk man! academia sucks a lot of the time and i think we DO need to be upfront about some of the ways in which it sucks. but i believe fervently that we do NOT need to do that in a “here is a list of terrible, depressing, soul-crushing Facts, now run as fast as you can in the opposite direction and never look back.” there’s got to be a way to advise undergrads that focuses on introducing the realities of grad school while building their capacity to cope with and actively respond to those realities. how can we build that capacity? some thoughts based on my own experiences thus far:

teaching our advisees how to build strong support networks (and helping them understand how/why those networks are so crucial to perseverance in grad school)

fostering a critical consciousness towards academic institutions & norms (so that they can recognize and resist some of the invalidations they are likely to encounter in grad school)

introducing them to the work of grad students and scholars who are either pursuing 'nontraditional’ work within the academy OR have transitioned into fulfilling post-Ph.D. careers outside of the academy (so that they see the diverse range of career trajectories)

actively facilitating connections with current Ph.D. students who are working in their area of interest

taking them to professionalization panels and conferences, then setting aside lots of time afterwards to debrief and to discuss what they found exciting about the experience, what they found confusing, what they are worried about, what they were critical of, and so on.

demystifying and explaining the different implicit structures, expectations, norms, etc., of Ph.D. programs -- talking seriously with them about the different phases of a graduate program (coursework, qualifying exams, service work, publishing, dissertation writing, etc.), helping them understand what is challenging and what is rewarding about each phase

helping them create structures of accountability, like scheduling regular check-ins with advisors, setting deadlines for themselves, setting measurable goals and developing plans for reaching them, making decisions about self-pacing, etc. -- just practicing all the “study skills” type stuff that grad students are often expected to just intuit or come into the program knowing how to do. also having them regularly talk & write through their own practices of researching, writing, revising, etc. (teaching metacognitive reflection skills to help them learn to describe how they work, and how they can work more effectively).

helping them understand what effective, engaged mentoring looks like, both through modeling it as best i can AND through explicitly discussing what a professor's responsibilities are/should be to their advisees. essentially i want them to leave our advising relationship with the following things: 1) an understanding of what engaged mentorship can look/feel like; 2) a clear sense of the kind of advising/feedback they personally find most useful or generative; 3) a clear sense of what advisees are 'allowed’ to ask of their professors; and 4) lots and lots of practice asking different professors for the feedback they need (bc experience helps dispel fear/anxiety around communicating with professors).

[scroll-of-thought]

there’s someone living in my home at the moment who scrutinizes my every move, talks down to me, and dismisses my issues with depression when it comes to house stuff. I’m trying to get better, but at this point they won’t really listen to me and just seem to dismiss me as dumb and lazy. (they’re also a bit misogynistic to top) I’ve tried being civil and reasonable but this person is so against me it seems nothing will work. I’ve never used magic on someone else before but I’ve (1/2)

(2/2) tried and tried and this person seems to really hate me, or at least think badly of me no matter what. what would you do in this case? my mental health is being seriously affected and I don’t feel comfortable in my own home. I’m afraid of doing any housework for fear of angering this person and them writing more long messages about how I suck, how I am too forgetful, how I’m a dumbass. I need this to stop, and I want to feel at home in a place I pay for every month with hard earned money..             

Sorry I didn’t see this last night! I've been really busy over the past few days and haven’t been online.

This sounds really rough. And I’ve seen people go through stuff like this all too often. First we’re going to go over some mundane solutions, and we’ll talk magick later. Firstly, it’s important to understand you probably can’t change a person like this with your own actions. Magick might be able to lessen their asshole-ness, but this seems like a deep seated problem in them. They’re this way because they’re a shitty person, and that’s no fault of your own, and trying to change their perspective is not only a tall order, for someone who’s actually qualified to work with them on a psychological level, but it’s also a tall order that would probably hurt you in the process of doing. If They’re belittling to your mental issues and a misogynist on top of that, they’re a lost cause. The goal here should be to lessen interaction with them, get out of the situation, or distance yourself from them as much as possible.

I don’t know the entire situation, but do they have any legal right to be there? Like, if they’re a roommate, but the lease isn’t in their name, you might be able to get them kicked out. If so, I’d look for another roommate and work on getting them kicked out. If it’s the other way around, and you can leave, I’d look into doing so as soon as you can. Find a new roommate, maybe ask friends or if you’re part of any support groups, see if anyone knows anyone who would be more understanding of your condition. Same thing goes for a therapist if you have one, they might have resources that could put you in contact with other’s who might be able to help you make those connections, and get out of that situation. If they’re family, then it might be trickier. But depending on your family, you might be able to take advantage of this. If you have sympathetic family members, go to them for help. Explain your situation, explain you’re trying and doing you best to get better, and explain that they are seriously hampering your healing process. Maybe they can talk (or shame) some sense into them. Another important thing to do, regardless of the situation, is to build a legal case. Just in case you need it. Make sure you have a paper trail for rent. Take pictures of notes they leave you. Save messages they send you. Keep all of it. I know this isn’t easy for some people, but if you can, get diagnosed with depression by a professional if you can. You never know when that can help you legally, like if they try to get you kicked out, or if they continue to harass you, or something like that.

And remember that you are paying to live there, with your hard earned money, and it’s your right to feel at home in that place. You aren’t dumb, and you’re certainly not lazy. I know how devastating depression can be, and how it can just erode your whole life around you. Just hang in there and know people like me and all the others who have been there are with you.

So let’s get to some magick :D That’s what this blogs about, right?

I’ve got a couple ideas. We’re going to take away some of their power to hurt you, try to help their disposition towards you, and we’ll try something to help cope with the depression.

First a classic binding spell.

You’re going to need: String (preferably black, but any will do) A picture of them (or we’ll make a taglock for them) Some alone time to do the spell.

If you don’t have a picture, you can simply write their whole name on a bit of paper, and if you have access to something like a bit of their hair from a brush, or something like that, it can help strengthen the connection. Simply put the hair in the paper with their name (you can tape or glue it if you want) and fold the paper up a few times, and you’ve got a taglock fitting for this simple spell.

Take your photo/taglock and wrap the string around it, starting from the front, holding it in place with your thumb, and wrapping it around behind the photo, and back to the front. Every loop you make say “[asshole’s name] I bind your power to hurt me. Your words can do no harm to me. Your malice can not injure me.” and wrap it up until you’re out of string or you’ve totally covered the photo/taglock. If it’s a photo I would make sure to at least cover the mouth as much as you can to shit him the fuck up. You’ll then tie off the string (you can also seal it with wax, or even glue if you want, but a simple knot is fine) and finish with “[Asshole], you are bound. This is my will. You can not hurt me.” (you can top it off with a “So mote it be/So I will it/Amen”, or whatever you want, if you want) and toss that shit in the trash. The spell is done, whatever happens to the taglock and string from here no longer matters. You’ve bound them and harming you should be more difficult and more taxing on them and even if they attempt to belittle you, you’ll notice it means a lot less to you than it did before, and they can go fuck themselves. Next, a Sweetening Jar. You’re going to need: A jar or similar container A photo/taglock/petition Honey/syrup/etc. (optional) Some herbs for different effects, like rosemary for protection, lavender(or maybe weed?) to make this guy chill the fuck out, or whatever else you want to customize this one with.

Sweetening jars are typically used by many online witches for love spells, but they’re  versatile and also great just changing someone’s opinion about you and making them like you more, or even just bringing peace between people. An alternative would be a freezer spell, where you literally put the spell in the freeze to make them chill the fuck out, but as you’re living together, you probably don’t want them finding the spell when they’re digging around in the freezer for food.

Also I’m going to note that there are a bunch of different ways to do this kind of spell, from lots of different traditions. Some of the better known versions online are from Hoodoo, Dominican root work, and other ethnic magicks. You’re your interested in those things, obviously do your research, be respectful to the traditions they come from, generally just use your head and best judgement if you do further reading on this. My version of this spell is super simple and doesn’t draw from any specific tradition, more so just standard symbology and force of will magick. Take your jar, and put a thin layer of honey in the bottom. Layer in the picture/taglock. Many different versions of this spell will have you wait until the end to do the spoken elements of the spell, but I like to start mine here, and I’m going to do it in an unorthidox manner. Simply start talking to the person and tell them how you feel and what’s going on. “[Asshole], this is a sweetening spell. Our relationship will improve. You’re going to chill out so I can stop calling you “Asshole” with those silly square brackets. You’re going to be more understanding and sympathetic to me. Etc, Etc.” Feel free to sprinkle in some of your “dude, chill out” herbs at this stage. Cover with more honey as your having your conversation, until you feel they’re covered enough. Mix in a layer of protection herbs when you hit any talking points on them leaving you alone. This is their time to listen, for you to tell their soul they need to stop, and for your will to shape the way they’ll begin to treat you from now on. Take that jar when you’re done with it, and stick it somewhere out of the way. Under a bed, in a closet, somewhere of no consequence. If things start to take a dip, take the jar out, tell it “Remember what we talked about” and put it back. Finally for the depression.

Honestly, if I had a cure all spell for this, I would use it right fucking now. I am going to point you in the way of my sigil tutorial and suggest you give it a read and maybe make a sigil to help you through the rough spots, or many sigils to help at different parts. I made a sigil for “I can complete my task” and turned that sigil into an amulet, and that thing has kicked me out of bed to do what has to be done, regardless of how badly I just want to stay in bed all day. Make one for “My depression has no grasp on me”, “I’m stronger than my depression”, “I have the power to complete my job” or whatever you need. So here’s a link to that tutorial (part 1, link to part to in the post).

Also advice, just as one depressed witch to another. Some of the mundane tips actually help. Like exercise. I heard “oh, go exercise and you’ll feel better!” and I was like “fuck you, you think I can get out of this bed, let alone go for a walk, when I just kind of want to stop existing? You’re fucking mad.” But that shit works. I hate it, but it works. Like, just going out for a walk and getting moving dramatically improved my state. So force yourself to give that a shot, if you can.

Another thing that helps me is positive, constructive hobbies that give a sense of achievement. Especially crafts. Making things, carving a wooden spoon, drawing something, knitting, whatever. It’s like renewed life blood when you’re feeling like shit. Taking a little blob of oven baked clay and sculpting a shitty little mushroom, but then looking at it and being like “fuck, I made this little shroom mother fucker. I’m going to take a sharpy and draw eyes on it. Shit, I made a little friend.” It’s so mentally refreshing, especially when you’re feeling super low. And I think part of it is just proving that you can do something. It’s small, sure, but you’re not finished. And that’s just the kind of empowerment you need in moments like that. It’s helped me dramatically many times over the years. And send me picture if you do pick up a crafty hobby, because I love literally all crafts and I want to see it.

Ok, well, sorry that turned into a super long post, but I hope it helps you out. Again, just know you’re not alone in any of this. Life sucks, but at least it sucks for a lot of us, and we’ve all got each other for when it gets bad. Feel free to message me anytime, and I’ll try to respond faster next time.

[empathssolace-blog]

Steering Away From Negative Emotions

From a young girl, I was always the glue in my family and the ray of light. I am the youngest daughter, and the most "successful" child in my family. I am the only one of four children who graduated high school on time, who graduated college, I paid for my own schooling, paid for my driving lessons, got myself a car, I pay for my cellphone bill, my bus pass, pretty much everything. I'm also the most independent emotionally I would say. My other siblings all depend relatively a lot on their parents. MY brother who will be 30 years old in august and who just had a baby, relies heavily on my mother to help him when he gets himself into trouble and hits rock bottom. He has sold drugs in the past, has owed thousands of dollars to loan sharks etc. My mother protects him to the DEATH of her. My eldest sister who is also 30, has a lot of emotional issues and fills her void by having intimate relationships with every man she encounters. She never keeps a job, has money issues, smokes a LOT of weed and refuses to help herself. She has had many "episodes" which have lead her into the hospital, required her to take pills, but she refuses to help herself. Gets put into a group therapy program, and she rarely goes. My other sister who will be 24 in June, is the most difficult to deal with. I've lived all my life in the same house as her whereas my brother and other sister have moved in and out. 

In my first post, I explain the complicated relationships in my family (some of my siblings have different parents than I do). My sister who is 24 years old, has the same mother and father as I do, is the main factor in my hardships this last year. She is three and a half years older than me and I feel like she is just a child. From young she has really sucked all of my energy out of me, constantly wanting to play, constantly wanting my attention, constantly throwing tantrums when she does not get her way, causing havoc if one thing does not go the way SHE wants it to go. My family allows her to get away with everything because they pity her & do not want to hear her scream if she is unhappy.  She is a very insecure person who has an extremely hard time breaking out of her shell and escaping her comfort zone, so they just give her everything and the pattern continues.  

Last year, I had enough of her attitude, of her neediness and of her negativity. My mother was also a big cause of stress and nuisance during this time, and the details are too extensive to write about right now, but I needed my space. I started to disconnect a little because I was realizing the effect they had on me. I was always doing everything to be on their good side, I was always putting my emotions on the side to keep peace. My sister has a very rude humor. Her jokes consist of putting other people down and making fun of things about them. For example, I have a bad sense of direction. She will make a joke about it, I'll laugh the first five times, but then it becomes excessive and frankly annoying. If someone were to make fun of her flaws on the other hand, she will start crying and start an argument. Throughout my life, I have tried to talk to her calmly about how she hurts me from when we were kids, (which will be explained in another post) and she would just shut down my emotions and deny and never admit anything. As I said before, she always has to be right so she will not listen to anything I say but will be quick to point out any of my flaws. When i try to give her a reason as to why I act a certain way, she just doesn’t even try to listen because all she wants is an apology and for ME to say that I am in the wrong.  

I could literally go on for paragraphs writing about my relationship with my sister and how she is towards me, how I am towards her, but what i want to really talk about is the difficulty I'm having in not allowing my family's negativity affect me, ways I try to cope with all of this. I never thought I'd be the black sheep of my family because I was always the one to make people laugh, be the one they confided in, be the sensitive little sister who was just cute. Since I've been cutting ties, this has all changed. Even though I am the most respectful, responsible child, I am still looked down on because I refuse to allow my sister and mothers negativity drown me and partake in their illusion of life. I LOVE my family, do not get me wrong, and I do not judge them because I understand everyone has different paths and lessons in life that they need to learn from BUT, I cannot deny the fact that I do not feel well or myself when I am around them. The premise of this blog is that I am an empath, so it is needless to say that I am VERY sensitive to my environment. UGH the negativity brings me DOWN, I don’t even feel like myself when I'm in this house. The moment I walk in, there is a shift of energy. I come in with a good energy too, I always try to give them the benefit of the doubt, say hello, ask how they are, try to share. But I get nothing in return. So, I feel like it is a waste of energy.  

What do I do to steer away from the negativity? The other day I came into my house and the energy was severely heavy. I showered. I showered, breathed deep, I cried. Showering really calms me down. I visualize all the black, negative parasites on my body being washed away and I surround myself with a white light. That day I got out of the shower and I was still feeling really heavy. I did a sage cleansing ALL over my house. My intention was to release and get rid of any negative thoughts that have been brought in, to surround my house with a white light, to bring only love and peace in. The atmosphere was a little better after that. I was still affected by the negativity, so I went out. I drove, went to was my car and as I was waiting, I read. I was reading The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz, which I highly recommend. I started to feel more present. I went to get my favorite drink from Starbucks and continue to read in my car.  

I realize that as long as I live in this house, the ultimate way to release any negative energy is to "distract" myself. Locking in myself in my room doesn’t always help even if it is MY space because the energy in the house can be very powerful sometimes. I like to go for long walks, find and listen to new music. And one thing I find completely eases me, is writing it out. It's very challenging being this sensitive and continuously having to deal with the heavy negative energy my family carries, I suggest doing things you love, meditating and really, leaving the house.

[singlemominpiyamas-blog]

5.2.20. 2:17 AM

My broken heart cracks easily like an egg. My fragile exterior bursting revealing a beautiful yellow interior, splatting on the pan of my trauma, fried and gently placed over cheesy grits. The delicious combo of trauma that’s comforting and delicious yet not the best for my health over time. 

I’m gonna die of clogged arteries if I don’t chill out. I’ve been reading The Body Keeps The Score. It’s a book on how trauma literally affects every organ. 

I cannot fathom doing the things other people have done to me. I have exposed so many people for being shady or bad but I still feel this void within myself. The void of the sum of the things that they did to me that have made me feel small enough to fit into their empty places. 

I am a distraction. 

Much of my relationships have been distractions from my own success. It’s reciprocal. Much of my relationships were distractions from trauma. Toxic. Lusty. Short. Toxic. Forced. Toxic. Sexually charged and empty interactions to fill the time between silent realizations of unhappiness and incompatibility. 

For example: 

My exes have similar family backgrounds: Emotionally absent fathers with extensive trauma issues who coped with said trauma with some sort of substance abuse. A loving mother who stayed with their dad no matter what happened, lacked boundaries and were the “tough tom boys” of their families. These dudes were either the youngest or only child.

The only person who does not fit this description is the first guy I ever “dated.”

I analyze every person that comes into my life to protect myself. 

The more I know about the past and the reoccurring patterns that have adversely affected my life, the more likely I am to prevent them from happening again and causing further damage. That’s what healing is supposed to do. That’s stopping the cycle. That’s what years of therapy and journaling are supposed to do. Get you to analyze what you’re doing and the reasons why. 

You’re studying yourself.  

My failures or mediocrity have scared me into complacency. Once dysfunction becomes commonplace, it’s the norm. It becomes the daily grind. If you grow up in dysfunction, inevitably if not properly treated, you will become a toxic person. 

If you didn’t have the proper support after a traumatizing event, you are more likely to develop PTSD or other mental health issues. Toxicity will become a part of your relationships. If you do not know how to deal with trauma in a healthy way, self-sabotage will become a survival mechanism you will be unable to turn off. 

Drinking, drug use, gambling, copious amounts of sex, binge eating, disordered eating, eating disorders, excessive exercising, risky behaviors like speeding and etc, are not going to make you feel better and will only traumatize you more. 

Misery isn’t a vibe. Dysfunction doesn’t have to be a vibe. We can heal and it hurts different. It hurts less. It doesn’t hurt worse. 

When we journal, reach out, participate in the things we love, be creative, make goals, cut toxic people out of our lives and etc, we make space for growth. We pick up the clutter of our traumas, we weed out those memories and dispose of them with care, we have space for growth and good people in our lives who want healthy relationships with us and themselves. 

Right now, I’m blaring good music in my ear phones, typing at nearly 2 AM about how I feel while hoping it reaches someone that needs to hear it because it makes me feel good to know I’m helping someone heal by feeling less alone. 

Also, this is better than what self-destructive behavior I typically have no business engaging in at this time. 

Making a positive impact on the world before I die has got to be the biggest goal I have for myself. I want to be remembered as someone who tried their best but it’s difficult because I can’t be perfect. Eventually, I’m going to mess up or something will be revealed about me that disappoints people. What can I do about that? 

Nothing. 

So *swerve* I can’t worry about that. What I can’t control in this life, I can’t ruminate on.   

What COVID-19 has taught me has been to move with the punches. You only can depend on yourself. Money really does help get what I need to get done, done. 

So, I have been applying to different places and got a job at a grocery store, the other day. I am attempting to secure employment during a pandemic because of the future economic collapse that is evolving before our eyes but I can’t freak out about that too much because I can only control what I got in front of me. 

I can’t make anyone love me. I can’t make a relationship work, one sided. I can’t expect myself to be perfect. I can’t control the economic future. 

I can control who I have in my life because I can positively affect my emotional well-being by cutting them out of my life. I can control how I react to adversity. Even if I feel out of control, I have every right to stop what I’m doing and do something more productive and conducive for my mental health. I don’t have to act crazy for attention. I can be myself and attract positive attention from people who like me instead of acting like a clown for one person. 

Just because you can make people laugh doesn’t mean they’re cheering you on. Some of them are so bored and/or apathetic, they don’t care that the clown has feelings. They don’t share your goofy nature. They think you’re weak and they prey on that perceived weakness. They see joy as naivety. They only want to be entertained and oh what fun it is to watch a train wreck of clowns. *cough cough* 

I can definitely say that I am a train wreck of clowns and I don’t want to be anymore but it’s a comfort zone for me. The dark humor doesn’t help. 

Love and attention are not the same things. 

If they care, they’ll be there for you. You shouldn’t have to show off for attention. You shouldn’t have to crash their crib or throw stuff at them for them to care about you. 

Plus, people experience their emotions in different ways. Some people shut down. Other people feel nothing. Some people stop caring about everything but then you can’t control how people react to life. 

Some people throw things. Yell. Get loud. 

But if you stop to think about why someone does something, it makes sense. I get loud when I argue with my partner because I feel unheard. I feel like what I have to say doesn’t matter to them and when I get angry I yell so they can hear what I have to say. Obviously, that’s not how one gets their point across. That’s the maturity talking. 

I have control of the volume of my voice and if I feel repeatedly insulted and unheard, I need to walk away depending on the type of relationship. Either, I have to walk away or make things work but if making things work didn’t work, I’m going to have to walk away. It’s simple, really. 

If you’re unheard, you’re being disrespected so WALK AWAY! 

If you know that someone will be unable to love you the way you deserve to be loved, walk away because that‘s the most selfish type of love. You know you can’t fix them. You know you can’t make them love you. How will they ever make you happy if they’re going to be miserable with you? 

Have you seen Bruce Almighty? Not even God can make someone love you. The Universe cannot create love. You are love.You have to find and create that for yourself.  

You have to love yourself and achieve your goals or you’ll never find happiness. You have to pursue your own joy in this life in order to feel fulfilled or you’ll never have fulfilling relationships. 

How do you expect a relationship to manufacture something you’ve never felt on your own? 

Whatever energy you put out into the Universe will come back to you. You are a part of Karma. Whatever good you put out there, will come back to you. Whatever bad, will go into the world and come back to you. That balance is what redeems the imperfection it is to be human. 

Life doesn’t have to be suffering but you need to focus on the rainbows. You have to cling onto the joyous moments that make you who you are today or you will be consumed by tragedy. You will become unrecognizable. 

Your identity will become trauma if you do not remember the good things that made you who you are today. Yes, the bad made you who you are too but so did the good. 

You’ll get sucked back into toxic relationships and repeat past traumas until you become aware of those patterns and offsetting them with who you actually are and what actually brings you joy. 

Do you like to paint? What hobbies did you have as a kid? Did you like being inside or outside more? Have you ever been interested in cooking? Do you like fashion? Have you ever wanted to play video games, soccer, DnD, go on a hike, try a new type of food and etc? Do it. 

Have you drank coffee by yourself in a restaurant? Gone to a movie by yourself? Whatever is the thing you want to do or try, do it because it will help you see your goals. It will help you feel fulfilled. 

If you were never loved by your parents or not properly loved or felt neglected in some way somehow by the important people in your life, of course you’re going to be conditioned to love in a dysfunctional way. 

But why be miserable?

Why be miserable because of that? 

Find yourself before you commit to someone who may potentially not value or love you the way you need to be valued and loved. You should not have to beg for love, act like a clown or hide yourself in some way to appease someone. 

Love you. 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i feel neutrally tired about all of this. you know, i’m not angry or sad or stressed, i’m just kind of tired of this whole routine. it’s become glaringly obvious that this man is very very spoiled and ungrateful. 

yesterday was a fine day. he took me to the farm to get a pumpkin like i asked. he bought me food and was overall really nice and in a good mood - he was focused on pei and the things he would do or need for his trip. i felt comfortable and relaxed despite not even having weed and not having much sleep. 

this morning when we woke up, we had sex and i went about my morning - made a tea, had a smoke and he had a shower. he asked his mother for the survey plans for their cottage in pei so he knew what to prepare for when he wanted to build this garage (the whole 6 month master plan’s goal). she said she would have to look. this set off a chain reaction - he went to look for a crock pot the family owned but he had never used ad couldnt find it immediately, when his mother offered cookig advice he freaked out ad then when she asked him about a few set of chores he was supposed to do, he freaked out again.

at this point i had literally spoken no words from when we had sex. i was just passively floatig throughout the house, gathering my things just to be organized. i went to look at what he was actually making and he said something like “i’m going to drive you home after this i want to do my own thing and i dont want to be around you”. to be fair, he couldve said “people” - i’m ot entirely sure what i heard but it more likely sounded like you. i simply turned around, got my bag from downstairs, got my stuff from outside and walked home. i did not even reply or say goodbye - theres not even a point. like i would get either some argument about how he said he would drive me home or a grunt goodbye; both still equally rude replies. 

but i was kind of proud of how i reacted very immediately and without hesistation. i didt think like ~what would he want or ~whats appropriate to do. i just did what i wanted to do which was leave. it wasnt like oh i think id like to sped the day alone, do you wat a ride home - it was just ‘fuck off’ without being ‘fuck off’. and i don’t deserve that. 

on top of this, during sex he asked outright if anyone else has touched me. not like ~oh no one else ca touch you or ~would you let anyone touch you - just outright ‘have you let anyone’ and its not a light thing. its not joking. if i said yes it would hurt and we’d probably stop. but the parameters he stil puts forth is that he “cant” cheat. but what about me? and why am i used like this? i literally spoke _no words_. 

its very unhealthy. and i dont believe its about me. i’m glad ive come so far in personal relationships that i am able to seperate myself from them and not take things personally.and like i do feel “used” but its not like this is the absolute worst part of it. he said to me, “you havent been around long enough - this is what i do, im excited about something until im not and then i drop everything and go to the next thing” -- as if i havet been witnessing this the entire time weve been together. its all one exciting thing to the next and nothig is ever what its hoped to be. 

and hes very negative. which i guess is a bit ironic coming from me. but everything - everything sucks. and like to its greatest pit of whatever terrible thing it could have. you know - “king of the losers”. acknowledging that “i’m” okay but its really just being on top of a pile of shit. 

its just.. its getting too hard to remain optimistic about a future with him. whatever my life is doesnt affect him nearly as much as his does me. my whole life is built around being available to him and i was okay with this becuse it was like “investing” in a future i wanted to have. or i do want to have. i want a partner. some “family”. but i just dont feel optimistic like this is going to lead to idyllic happiness. not the way he sees it. and why should i spend my time following such a volatile perso who is unable to commit to anything. i guess it was easy to walk away because i thought like - what if i was across the country? what if i coulnt just walk away from this rude person and i was _stuck_? i dont want that and i guess if i dont want that, i dont want him. i’m just... too scared to live with him. like i want to live with him. i reall really do but everything in my being says omg no. no no no no. anyone i told that this was a thing would tell me absolutely do not move across the country with this person. its not like.. dont change. dont live somewhere else. its that this particular person is very ... not the right person to do this with. maybe i need to be a ifferent person too. maybe i need to be a very strong indpendent individual who works super hard and hustles lots of cash an then its all just fun and games and wooo life. but i cannot be dependent on this person. they are not dependable in any way shape or form. they are a fucking prayer. and in order for me to make such huge changes in life i would be very dependent on this person. especially right now. maybe in two years ill be a better version of me but the me right now would need a lot of hand holding an encouragement to make such drastic life changes and decisions. 

if it was plausible to just get a nice apartment in this city together - great. thank you. not even long term, lets just exist with each other before making giant life decisions. thats a marriage. with no commitment. i cant. i just cant. 

and you know - i’m very sympathetic. i know exactly what it feels like. to have no fucking clue what you want, where to go, what to do, who to be friends with, who to have a relationship with - i get it. i’m really confused too. and this is such a shitty time - i dont know if other times have been more shitty but this seems like a pretty shitty time after society going through so many wars in the past 100 years that have grown more powerful under the advancements and like we, collectively, are different people from 50 years ago so what was “right” and “good” 50 years ago is not relevant to today and we are floating without guidance. how do we survive now? weve evolved to a different mental state and we dont know how to nourish this. its like falling into great advancements with no mental capacity to understand their affect on the social psyche. 

theyre right.  the colective “they” - your parents have little to do with your chances. their social standing and coping amongst evolution to bring them to such standing has a lot more to do with your chances but if along the line you figure out your way of coping in evolution then you may rise above or find your own level of “happiness” which is mostly fulfilling basic personal needs. but when evolution continually transitions through different ways to fulfill these basic needs or possibly gives you even more ways to do this, it becomes more difficult to realize how you will find your way to cope in evolution. milennials are realy seen as weak and a joke; like re-branded hippies but focused on mental health and emotions, “refusing” employment to ‘feel better’ in life when there was a time when people just took any job because the only way to cope within that evolution was to exhance your service for money or boarding itself. thats not the case anymore. society evolved in such a way that this generation is capable of fulfilling may basic personal needs sometimes by just existing; perhaps their parents pay for food and shelter and provide them with clothing well into their “adult” years. many older generations started working to SURVIVE at 12 - 14 years old. our generation worked because “thats what you do” or to save up for an iphone. most of our grandparents worked to buy bottles of milk or to help the family or for their own vehicle but why save for one when your parents let you drive theirs anyways?

and again - it’s not the parents fault. it’s now easy in society for parents to do this. a large majority of parents, nd the majority leads the collective society. could my parents? no. but a lot of people around me did have parents that did this and my parents cared for me in other ways. society allowed them to breed children who would become introspective because they were no longer in such dire straits for survival. and older generations are upset about this - dont you know they had to want to die regularly to survive? why shouldt we? 

so as we gain this introspective into ourselves and “new” psychological ideas come up and vast people are “diagnosed”, it becomes harder to accept things which harm our psyche. so we get a big rise in racial inequality and gay rights and things which seem “liberal” but is simply termed this way because some people - maybe a large amount even, could not refuse employment and worked to survive even in this era. that was the generational hand down - exchange your service for money or starve. and theyre not “in the wrong”. other things affect how you build your coping tools - where you live, the climate of politics etc. maybe you realy just had to do that and there wasnt time to invest in this modern evolution of introspection. you dont have time to look within when youre starving on the outside. so this resentmet and bitterness builds between these two sides which may even exist in the same generation but neither of them is wrong. should one work to survive? probably. animals hunt most of their lives. we should probably work to survive. no one can just be handed food ad shelter forever unless you’re a very unique and special person in royalty. and 99.9% of us are not. but should we also kill our psyche? animals dont deal with smart phones and insurance rates and credit scores and bankruptcy. they just go out and take what they want and our society has evolved past this. so we cannot just assume you just work to survive when survival has been complicated. it takes a higher level of thinking which wemay not fully even comprehend at this stage in the evolution. 

i think psychology is very important because we dont understand why people are people. we dont know. we know why the sky is blue but we dont know why we are people. and not just psychology but science and the belief of how our being, our physical being on this planet came to be. we collectively have not agreed despite the very obvious misgivings of current theological theories. 

how or in what way should you survive on this planet? why are we required to exist as we are in this society upon birth. like all of these rules and obligations an responsibilities of being a “good human” are placed on you for the rest of your life and all you did was be born. all you want are basic needs fulfilled but you cant even do that until you acknowledge the land you were popped out on to does not belong to you so you abide by these rules now whether you want to or not. and thats just government and law but on this deeper spectrum its an obligation to be a ‘good child’ a ‘good citizen’ - pay your taxes, go to work, have children, buy a house; these are the quest objectives. but why? i think our generation is not the first to ask why but the first in a very long long time to ask why are we doing it this way. not so much why are we here. many of us have decided for ourselves. but why are we livingin society in this particular way and what can we do to survive in a society which is not designed to really benefit anyone. its not about that homeless man geting up and feeding himself, its about taking responsibility to feed that person. animals do a better job at this and we feel we’re in evolved thinking. 

society has become very convoluted and confused which has bred confusion in its most recent generation. ive lived a very unique life and yet feel the same way abou these things as my peers because the “temperature” of the environment is the same. its hot, we all know its hot an we’re trying to figure out ways to deal whether its running through a sprinkler, going to a public pool or looking ridiculous in a kiddie pool on your front lawn. it’s gross, it’s not a good time, no one wants to do anything and we’re not feeling it. and this evolution is like climate change. there is absolutely still people capable of coping under this stress, farmers still work, lumberjack still cut wood but theyre fucking miserable and they do it because theyre used to feeling like they want to die to survive. but its getting hotter and its getting harder and even though they feel it the only thing they know is to keep working until they cant anymore then die crippled and miserable. being popped out inexperienced and then thrown into a change which even the experienced are struggling with creates a lot of unrest. a lot of anxious and depressed people. 

what do we do? what should we do? you cant change society you can only follow the ebb and flow like flock of birds or schools of fish. this is how we cope as humans, to live as a society. and if society is in upheaval it directly affects the ability to easily obtain our basic needs. 

i used to feel envious of stupid people. like atleast they didnt ~know this shit. because this felt depressing. like being stupi would be easier and id be happier but those who choose to remain ignorant or passive hurt a lot and they struggle through some of the barest traps society has created durig this shitty time and now i feel sorry for them. spinning your wheels over and over, dragging yourself through the mud, throwing away money, living extravagantly and ignorantly but going absolutely no where. not going up, down, side ways - no where. i’m there too. i’m right there too on the train stopped at the station waiting to fucking go and we’re here nd we’re buying shit from the dining car and we’re chatting and excited but we’re not goig and we’re not really sure why and we’re all talking about why we’re not going but we’re still not going but hey atleast hey still got cookies. 

no one person is driving the train either. its like a group effort where everyone on the train has to believe youre moving forward for it to start but if one jack ass thinks youre not, then its a complete halt. 

life is hard but i dont think alot of people realize exactly how hard it is. im trying to learn to appreciate the little things. people with greater minds who had better understanding and less luxuries of the era coped with appreciating little things. taking bike rides in the fall in the nice downtown streets; it’s been a highlight of the season. painting in a studio this week; sure it was not glamorous or anything but i actively went out and created art with others. my room is neat and clean and organized. i did laundry with ease on my own time for free. 

i wasnt upset i “had to” walk home. i apreciated the fall weather & buzz of halloween approaching, time to think without screens of distraction, exersize and activity, the ability to buy cat food & cat litter. im not angry about it. i’m tired of being angry about a train im not really driving. if i can never truly conceptualize what i want because of society why keep trying. why cry over spilled milk.