#to doubting people's lived experiences and trying to claim that people are just faking shit for attention

[sureuncertainty]

that validating but also infuriating moment when i see a post that makes me annoyed and then i go into the notes and it’s like 90% terfs agreeing with it like okay good i’m not crazy this post was bullshit. also i think if a ton of terfs are agreeing with your point then MAYBE you should rethink what you’re saying a little bit

[many-but-one]

(TW rant, I guess. Fake claiming. Suicide bait. Rape threats.)

Disclaimer: this is not targeting specific people. This is just me ranting. If you’re butthurt about it, I really don’t care.

Y’all. I am so fucking tired. Just so tired. I can’t go on any sort of social media and not see bullshit about DID that just makes no sense. The misinfo being spread is fucking monstrous. And people being shamed and bullied for pointing it out is just fucked. The fact that there was a user the other day literally titled “sysmedsshoulddie” going around and anonymously sending shit about people killing themselves and getting raped to death…the fuck dude? Whether you agree with “sysmeds” or not, these people are trauma victims and you’re sending suicide bait to them? What the fuck is wrong with you?

And just the intense uptick in people that when I read their profile I’m just like immediately disheartened. “System of 300+ fictive heavy polyfragmented osdd system, 15 years old, fakeclaimers DNI!!!” Just. Sigh. Idk man like I know it’s not completely abnormal for a 15 year old to be aware of their system, but “polyfragmented” and “osdd” are on completely different levels, not to say osdd is not as bad and polyfragmentation is inherently worse, but it’s just not the same. Not to mention minors are often still in “bad” living conditions, in which you are highly unlikely to know that many alters simply because you are still in survival mode. It’s why when people leave abusive parents or abusive spouses and are finally safe, THAT’S when they start showing symptoms of mental disorders. (Not just DID/OSDD, also C-PTSD/PTSD.) Dissociative disorders are trauma-based disorders and if you are still living in a traumatic situation, your brain is still in survival mode. Leaving toxic environments and your brain letting go of survival mode is when your brain starts to relax and things like trauma and dissociation start to really settle in. This is not proven, but I think that’s one of the main reasons it’s more common for people to discover their system from their early 20s to 30s, because they’ve left their home and started living in a safe environment.

I’m not saying it’s not possible to know or suspect system behavior in your teens. I sure did. I just didn’t have the vocabulary to understand my experiences. I’ve been very open about letting people know I used to think I was endo. That was way back in 2016, when there wasn’t as much of a foothold in the DID community. I did further research and realized that wasn’t possible and so moved on in hopes for answers. It wasn’t until a month before moving out of my parents’ house and moving in with my fiance that I learned I really did have trauma and therefore really did have DID. It took the work of a trauma specialist to recognize this as well. If I hadn’t seen someone who knew what to look for, I probably still wouldn’t have the answers I do now.

I think the part that is most frustrating for me is people just making a complete mockery of something I am truly suffering from. The focus on alters, the focus on fictives, the “I have DID with no dissociation or amnesia” shit. It’s sad. Like I try so hard to give people the benefit of the doubt and I never fakeclaim people specifically (publicly, anyway, I do have my own doubts that I generally keep to myself) but sometimes it seriously pains me when I see young kids who I know are using it as a fun alter disorder and mostly playing on discord with their alters they created. I am almost certain that a huge amount of people that do this aren’t doing it maliciously or to attack people with DID, but they just don’t know any better. Or they’ve done poor research. Or they are misunderstanding their experiences. I usually try to stay in my lane and just ignore those people, but it is so prevalent nowadays it’s almost impossible. They make informational posts on DID despite having been self diagnosed for a few months and all of their information is clearly misconstrued or misunderstood, or from carrds or pluralpedia or whatever the fuck kids get their info from anymore. Then singlets read this shit and people who really do have this disorder are put under the “DIDfaker” label immediately just for saying they have DID.

I went to the hospital last September. I’ve been very open about what happened there, but to say it quickly, I was fakeclaimed by doctors and said I was psychotic and over-emotional. They said a lot of old misinfo that I tried to correct but they wouldn’t listen to me. I tried telling them I see a DID specialist who has seen me switch and talked to other alters, etc and they didn’t care. One thing the doctor said is that they’ve been seeing a huge uptick in kids (like teens) thinking they have DID and that’s just not possible because DID is “so rare.” (It’s not, but whatever.)

Like I know most of y’all really don’t understand how much this effects folks who are actually systems because most of you don’t pursue therapy for your DID/OSDD, but the fact that psychologists in mental hospitals think everyone is faking because of fucking TikTok is alarming. People think Moon Knight being good representation is good. Yeah, in the way that DID is not painted as a monstrosity it is, but now when I tell people I have DID it’s not like “DID? Like in Split?” anymore. It’s more like “DID? Oh! Like in Moon Knight!!! That’s so cool it would be so cool blah blah blah.” Rambling about how cool the disorder is. Yeah having semi-positive rep is great, but now people think of it like a superpower and think it’s “so cool” and don’t realize that IT SHOULD NEVER HAVE TO HAPPEN.

DID is from childhood trauma that was so bad that the child could not handle it. They dissociated so strongly to escape the trauma that they never coalesced into a single person. It is a disorder of CHILD SUFFERING. It is NOT COOL. It is horrible, awful, and upsetting.

Sorry, I honestly don’t even know where I was going with this. People online tell me to “curate my experience” but I can’t even search the most basic DID tags without being bombarded by literal ableist bullshit. It’s fucked. I’m so tired. I wish my suffering wasn’t glamorized. I wish it was taken seriously.

Disclaimer 2: No, I am not saying that DID is always suffering all the time. I just hate how everyone makes it to be all about the alters and how fun it is rather than the reality that C-PTSD and trauma are the main aspects of the disorder. Alters are survival mechanisms for compartmentalizing severe trauma. They’re not fun to have. There are some good and funny moments, but the trauma and the PTSD from that trauma vastly overshadows it.

End rant. Hate me if you want, cancel me if you want, fucking send anon hate idgaf at this point. I’m just so tired of it all.

[ardellian]

I. Am very ANGRY.

For all the trans people who read this - you are amazing, you are brave, and fuck everyone who dares to tell you how you are allowed to express who you are.

Anyway I went through JKRs essay on trans issues and tried to deconstruct it because a prominent Swedish political figure just supported it and these are EXACTLY the kind of arguments I have had to counter and it SUCKS. I will have to sit through this shit being thrown at me again not far from now. So this is... venting, I guess. 

This is going to be long and if you want to understand it I guess you should read what she’s written; it’s on her homepage. But also don’t read it because it will probably make you sad and angry. It’s transphobic and ignorant, and just, please, stay away from it if you know that will make you feel like shit. I’m also going to be quoting her in the text below, so I’m putting it under a cut. 

M’kay. 

First, what even is she trying to say with this essay? She says she’s worried about the “new trans activism.” What exactly is worrying with this new activism? Well, she doesn’t say it outright, but it seems to be that she believes it’s getting too easy to transition. That the “rigorous process of evaluation, psychotherapy and staged transformation” is being eroded, and this is bad.

Through the essay I can find two main arguments she has to support this claim.

1. Cis youth (in particular cis girls) will be fooled into to thinking they’re trans. 

The UK has experienced a 4400% increase in girls being referred for transitioning treatment. Autistic girls are hugely overrepresented in their numbers. 

Littman mentioned Tumblr, Reddit, Instagram and YouTube as contributing factors to Rapid Onset Gender Dysphoria, where she believes that in the realm of transgender identification ‘youth have created particularly insular echo chambers.’

She also supports this idea by sharing a personal history of being uncomfortable with gender roles, and confusing that with gender dysphoria: 

“The allure of escaping womanhood would have been huge. I struggled with severe OCD as a teenager. If I’d found community and sympathy online that I couldn’t find in my immediate environment, I believe I could have been persuaded to turn myself into the son my father had openly said he’d have preferred.” 

“Fortunately for me, I found my own sense of otherness, and my ambivalence about being a woman, reflected in the work of female writers and musicians who reassured me that, in spite of everything a sexist world tries to throw at the female-bodied, it’s fine not to feel pink, frilly and compliant inside your own head; it’s OK to feel confused, dark, both sexual and non-sexual, unsure of what or who you are.” 

3. A concern that fake trans women invading women’s spaces would make “natal women” less safe:

“A man who intends to have no surgery and take no hormones may now secure himself a Gender Recognition Certificate and be a woman in the sight of the law. Many people aren’t aware of this.”

“When you throw open the doors of bathrooms and changing rooms to any man who believes or feels he’s a woman – and, as I’ve said, gender confirmation certificates may now be granted without any need for surgery or hormones – then you open the door to any and all men who wish to come inside. That is the simple truth.”

Okay. 

Let me make an observation here before I try to counter these points. She’s having very different problems with the ease of transitioning for trans women and trans men. If it’s too easy for trans women to transition, men will use this as an opportunity to prey on women. If it’s too easy for trans men to transition, young girls will be in danger of forsaking their womanhood. She clearly identifies with the young afab people who question their gender, but not with trans women who want to be recognized as such. Let that sit with you for a bit and I’ll see if I come back to it. 

Let’s see if I can argue against these two points first. 

1.  Cis youth (in particular cis girls) will be fooled into to thinking they’re trans.

Her statistics aren’t wrong. There has been a huge increase in trans youth. This increase is especially prevalent in neurodivergent afab people. Trans health care, at least where I live, is struggling with how to deal with this. Those diagnosed with autism spectrum disorders often have difficulties with feeling comfortable in their bodies and the language used around that can be similar to the language used around gender dysphoria. Many people are concerned, as JKR obviously is, that these people might think that transitioning would get rid of these symptoms, when in fact they stem from something completely different. These people may transition and still have these symptoms. They may be disappointed. 

The conclusion you’re implicitly supposed to draw from these statements, and those like what I quoted above, that these young trans people aren’t really trans. That they’re somehow being tricked by trans activists. You have to believe two other things for that: that young neurodivirgent people can’t interpret their own lived experience in a correct way, and that transitioning is harmful. 

Because why would it be a problem if a young person questions their gender, identifies as trans, transitions, and then changes their mind? Who cares if they have an autism diagnosis? It is only a problem if transitioning is bad for you. And the part that people like JKR seems to think is harmful is that they might have “altered their bodies irrevocably, and taken away their fertility”. But the unaltered body holds no moral superiority over the altered one. While fertility is something many people desire and something many who lack it grieve, it is not something that inherently gives your life more value. To JKR, the inherent harm of transitioning can only be justified if the person is really trans.

The tendency of a specific group to display a higher prevalence of identifying as trans is then used to cast doubt on their experiences. It’s a “social contagion” - they’re not really trans. But why does any of that matter? So what if a person identifies as trans because they see themselves in another’s story and go - that’s true for me too? Why can’t you believe them? 

Well. Because you don’t really believe trans people are real. You believe that when young people speak of dysphoria, they are referring to the experience you had when you were young. And you’re happy with being a woman now. So surely they just need to accept themselves for what they are and they won’t be trans anymore. 

I get it. I recognize myself in what JKR writes here. I felt “mentally sexless.”  I also “found my own sense of otherness, and my ambivalence about being a woman, reflected in the work of female writers and musicians” and this reassured me. Find a woman who has not during a period of their life hated their body, I dare you. The world we live in does cause women to have strange relationships with their bodies. And it’s very easy from there to make the logical leap to the idea that young trans men are just girls who never found that reassurance! I might have also thought so, if I hadn’t connected with trans men in my teens, and actually tried to understand their experience, and realized that my negative feelings about my body not living up to some standard of beauty, about not being woman enough in some way, and not wanting to be “pink and frilly”, was not the same as their experience. I mean - I didn’t like my body because I thought it should look like a beautiful woman’s body, but they felt bad about their bodies because they thought they shouldn’t look like women at all!  Young boys don’t find reassurance in texts about womanhood. Because they’re not women.

So I feel a bit sorry for her. Because I think that she sees herself in these young people, and it terrifies her - what if I could have turned out to be trans? But that would only be a problem if you think being trans is a problem. So maybe you could have been trans, JKR. Why does that bother you?

And god, if you want to talk about things that pressure young people into irrevocably altering their bodies, how about the  “rigorous process of evaluation, psychotherapy and staged transformation“ that tries over and over again to make sure, double sure, triple sure, that you really are what you say you are. Trans people who want access to gender-affirming care have to show no weakness - if you slip up and say that you might not want surgeries, that can be used against you and you get nothing. Trans people repeatedly say they have to perform their gender to the extreme in order for health care providers to believe them. They’re being questioned and doubted and pushed and to get through that, you have to dig in and fight. This is not a process that encourages careful consideration and doubts - it’s a system that says: all or nothing, hesitate and you’re out. 

So we get to her second argument:

3. A concern that fake trans women invading women’s spaces would make “natal women” less safe:

Here she draws a line between real trans women, who have passed through some rigorous testing process, and men who fake it. She uses her history of abuse as a cause to be worried about the safety of women if the gender binary were relaxed. The only argument she makes here is the one I already copied up there: 

When you throw open the doors of bathrooms and changing rooms to any man who believes or feels he’s a woman – and, as I’ve said, gender confirmation certificates may now be granted without any need for surgery or hormones – then you open the door to any and all men who wish to come inside. That is the simple truth. 

Let’s be charitable and say that she means men who would fake being women when she writes “any man who believes or feels he’s a woman“, and not trans women who just don’t perform womanhood according to her standards. But still the question remains - why oh why are you so scared of seeing a body that doesn’t agree with your ideas of a woman in a changing room? If that “fake trans woman” is there, and doing nothing wrong, then why are you so bothered about it? Why? Is the sight of male secondary sex characteristics inherently harmful to women? No! Are you afraid that someone might experience sexual attraction when looking at your body? Then do you think lesbians should also have separate changing rooms? No, you obviously don’t! Sexual harassment is never acceptable, and just because you have a same-sex space doesn’t make that space immune to it. Opening it up to non-conforming bodies does not make sexual harassment somehow acceptable. Those who enter spaces with sexual harassment in mind should be dealt with - but the presence of non-normative bodies is not sexual harassment. 

Trans women are women, JKR says, and I sympathize with them - but only if they display their womanhood in a way that agrees with my idea of it. And they’re not like me. Only if they have the right kind of bodies, have gone through medical procedures, want to do these surgeries, will I extend my pity.

And fuck that.  

Look, the kind of logic she presents here paints trans people into a corner where the only acceptable way of being is to subscribe to a certain kind of body. Which harms the very people she claims she wants to protect - young people questioning their gender. Especially non-binary people, whom she doesn’t even acknowledge. 

And now let’s stop being charitable - JKR doesn’t believe trans people exist. She believes that those who say they are trans are tragically confused and we should only accept their words because we are nice. We should accept their delusions because we pity them. She doesn’t understand her own opinions this way, I’m sure. But fuck her understanding. 

She’s upset because the idea of “womanhood” is moving away from her. She feels - I’ve felt this too! - that this push for increased inclusiveness is taking the focus from the real issues. Things that affect all women. But claiming that women have “unifying realities that make them a cohesive political class” is something that white women say. When anyone talks about “the real issues”, they usually mean “issues that affect me.”

I mean that’s privilege 101, people. 

Ugh.

In conclusion, I’m still angry. 

[lordseochangbin]

Crime n Mystery- Lee Felix

description: [3k words] felix FBI agent au w/ a possible plot 

warnings: curses, slight masturbation (?) no idea what it is lmfaooo

a/n: ive always wanted to write a murder mystery so this is to get it started! if it does well ill think about continuing it because im not sure if anyone enjoys criminal mind things as much as i do

This guy was going on a date with no cologne on? Disgusting. You had a knack of judgment, already being able to predict the outcome of this guy’s dinner after driving so many lovebirds to their dates. A typical Saturday night called for taxi driver business and you loved the amount of money that came through but in the end, you couldn’t help but wonder when you would be driving yourself to a date.

You carried a decent amount of knowledge after three years, your best bet was when you told one of your customers she was about to be broken up with, only to see her back in your car asking for a ride a few minutes after arriving. You could tell where these people were going, what their plans were just from their location and attire. A decent amount of knowledge. 

Sometimes there were “those” type of people. Failures of being a woman in the driver’s seat (which shouldn’t be a problem smh). “Those” people who ask to sit in the front seat to play the radio only to try to get their hands in your pants. “Those” people who try to sit right behind you and try to whisper things in your ear. “Those” people who- you get the idea. But with no excuse, you carried pepper spray around your neck all the time for when it was necessary. 

The woman that had just stepped in your taxi, you couldn’t seem to get a grip on. She wore a poker face, hands crossed as she scrolled through what seemed to be “Tinder”. Maybe it was a Tinder date. After arriving at the restaurant you watched as she left your car, her ass sticking out in her bodycon dress along with the sound of her high heels clicking. 

“Hey wait, aren’t you going to pay?” You groan before turning around to see the exact amount in cash on the seat. You peeked inside the restaurant to see a full crowd, someone in there is going to need a ride for sure, so you turn on your taxi light and wait for the next customer to arrive. 

----

Rolling up the sleeves to his white button-up, Felix makes his way through the crowded restaurant. He was lucky enough to have found his first suspect on a tinder website and couldn’t believe how vulnerable she was for having accepted his request to meet. Little did she know his identity. 

His co-worker Angel claimed it was the profile picture that must’ve swooned her, the forced smile and nose scrunch hiding his secret demeanor. Felix was handsome, his hair combed back and his cheeks covered with light brown freckles. It was easy for him to pass as a college student or gas station employee- a bit of makeup was all he needed. Thus holds today, meeting a suspect who expects a perfect tinder date, only to be disappointed. 

Finding the small table in the corner, Felix casually grabs the seat, looking into the girl’s eyes before asking “Is this seat taken?” 

A slight smirk meets her face before she replies, “If your name is Alex then yes” 

“Alex?” Felix replies, sitting down across from her, “Lucky guy” 

From the way she smiled at his response to her soft pink cheeks, Felix could already tell she was lured into the game. He was annoyed yet relieved, his good looks always gave him entry, along with his deep voice. He could practically read women like a book. 

Her bright red hair seems fake, even in the pictures and the amount of makeup is quite visible, she’s trying hard to hide her identity as well.

“Hm, care for a drink Alex?” 

Felix pouted his lips, free drinks from his number one suspect? A big win. But his boss checking his BAC? Not really. 

Playing with the edge of the plastic menu in front of him Felix refuses, “No thanks. Otherwise, I wouldn’t be able to drive you home after this” 

The woman’s lips gasp at his words, “You’re driving me home after this?” 

A light chuckle leaves Felix’s lips as his hand meets her thigh, giving it a small squeeze before whispering in her ear, “I think you’ll want me to drive you home after this” 

God, it always worked. Of course, she throws her head back at his touch. Felix feels like internally cringing. Her skins rough like scales and he wants to remove it so badly. Her hand goes to his wrist, moving his hand up her thigh as her eyes shut in bliss. Disgusting, disgusting, Felix can’t form words on how not turned on he is. Maybe he should just end this now. 

“But unfortunately, I’ll have to drive you to the Los Angeles Police for continuous accounts of larceny and grand theft” 

The woman gave Felix a blank stare, slowly closing her legs. The small action made Felix smirk as he pulled out his cuffs from under his suit, “Can’t get away now- Fuck!” 

Jumping out of her seat, the woman dashed for the door through crowded people. Trying to make his way through, Felix thought about calling for backup. 

Sure, he should’ve came with his partner Ashton but he just quit the job, leaving Felix alone on tracking cases like these until he finds a new partner. The sounds of laughter and the smell of alcohol filled his senses in the midst of his thoughts. He needed to catch this woman and finally put an end to the city’s robberies. 

----

God, how long were you sleeping? You rubbed your eyes in an attempt of clearing your blurry sight at watch the front door of the restaurant in hopes of someone needing a ride when suddenly a woman runs out. Her hand is held onto her purse as she runs down the street, jumping into the car in front of you and driving away. “Woah, WOAH!” You exclaim as a guy jumps into your passenger’s seat. 

“Follow that car!! Follow the car!!” Your eyes freeze on the man next to you as he quickly puts on his seatbelt. “Hello? Can you fucking drive??” He asks, waving his hand in front of your face before you could get a hold of the situation. Your eyes peek inside his suit, an FBI badge hidden behind the clothes before you could step on the pedal. “I have ALWAYS wanted to be in the middle of a pursuit, I’ll follow the car!” You squeal in excitement, speeding up before you could catch up with the Honda Civic. 

The guy next to you pulls up his phone, muttering some words in the call before getting an address. “Y-yeah, uhhh I just got in some taxi and the driver is following our criminal.” Shit, so this is some police stuff? 

You try to keep your cool as the Civic you’re chasing speeds through traffic, breezing through the cars and way over the speed limit. 

“Look, I work for the FBI, I’m sorry if I scared you by getting in your car all of the sudden but I seriously need to catch this guy, o-or girl. If you could press on it a bit-” 

“Are you fucking crazy?! I’m going at 75!!” You exclaim, your hands aching in pain from gripping on the wheel. 

“The limit is 65, I’m a cop!! You won’t get a ticket!” 

You turn to his side and smirk, “I won’t get a ticket?” 

The guy rolls his eyes before sighing in relief, “You won’t get a ticket” 

“If you say so” You tsk as you press on the pedal again, “Hold on tight~” 

Felix’s eyes glow as the car’s engine below you burns, the sudden speed pulls the both of you back but your reactions are quite different. The man next to you is holding onto his seat for his life while you’re living the time of your life. 

“Can you be a little more responsible?? I’m trying to catch a criminal here” 

“A bit responsible? You literally just got into a stranger’s car and asked them to drive” 

“You’re a taxi driver, you should at least have some experience in traffic” 

“Only when I’m following the ro-WATCH!” You swerve past a car in front of you that slowed down, your hand on Felix’s chest as you hold him back to make sure he’s safe. Your act took Felix by surprise, his focus completely thrown off before you could place your hand on the wheel. 

“Okay, okay sorry. I-I’ll try my best, I can see the car ahead of us” You sputter our nervously. 

Felix clears his throat and fixes his suit before eyeing the car again. “It looks like it’s taking a turn on Union, maybe going to one of the backstreets” 

“Should I keep my distance?” 

“Hmm, depends. Is this car bulletproof?” He asks, arching an eyebrow as you pout your lips. 

“Fuck off” You roll your eyes before cautiously driving into one of the more hidden streets of the city. 

Suddenly the Civic stopped, causing Felix to jump up in his seat as he watches. The woman gets out of her car, her figure suddenly disappearing. 

“Park right here,” Felix asked, “If you don’t see me in ten, try calling the police, but I doubt you’ll have to do that” He winks before closing the door. 

You take a gasp in relief, looking around the dark neighborhood and locking the doors to your car. What are you going to do now? A random FBI agent got into your car and now you’re stuck here for ten minutes… waiting. Anything could be going on inside there. Shit, what if he gets shot? Or kidnapped?? You covered your mouth at the thought, no that can’t happen. He seemed too cocky to be easily fought against. 

Left with your thoughts, you couldn’t keep the idea of the FBI agent’s figure off your mind. I mean, you’re not saying he’s hot or anything but… well. Can you blame yourself? What else should you be thinking about when you just gave a ride to some guy and possibly put him in danger. You would never be able to forgive yourself if something happened to him, even if he asked you to. 

“Maybe I should go,” You tell yourself before shaking your head. “No.. no he told me to wait here, just 8 more minutes.” You stared at the clock inside your car and anxiously stuff your phone inside your coat pocket. “Screw this” You mutter before getting out. 

----

You take a risky corner, entering the blindspot which the woman had disappeared into when you were in the car. A gust of wind blew your way, the chills growing goosebumps on your skin as the anticipation waited. God bless all the seasons of Criminal Minds you had watched, you felt like you were prepared for anything. In fact, the building you stepped into was completely empty. Tip-toeing into the place, you hid yourself between two storage containers before you could feel it shift a bit. 

A few groans and sounds of stress were heard from inside. Was there more than one person here? You feel your heartbeat out of your chest, back pressed against the metal container as you slid closer to its entrance. 

It was when the container moved that you couldn’t hide any longer, an uncalled gasp pasted your lips and blew your cover. 

“Is someone else here?” You heard a woman’s voice ask, your fingers growing numb as you felt yourself exposed. 

When you found yourself in broad attention, you saw the person Felix was looking for heading towards you, gun in her hand, and a fierce look in her eyes. “Who’s this?” 

Over the person’s shoulder, you could see Felix bunched up in the corner of the container, hands over his stomach as a patch of blood started to build upon his side. His eyes showed fear as he gestured his head to run, but you knew you couldn’t leave him like this. 

“I asked, who are you, sweetie?” The woman asked again before finally stepping in front of you. 

Peeked over to see Felix again, you scrunch your fingers up in a fist trying to blow off some heat. 

“I… I’m-” Grabbing your pepper spray bottle around your neck, you sprayed the woman’s eyes causing her to fall on the floor. Once she fell you quickly kicked the gun out of her hands, grabbing the weapon and running towards Felix. You could hear the woman groan in pain but you could care less.

“Are you okay?” You asked, grabbing his arm and throwing it over your shoulder. 

“Yeah I’m fine” Felix panted out, his eyes wincing in pain. “Just be careful, there’s guards on the other doors so use that entrance, it’s closer to your car” 

You made your best attempt to leave the room as soon as possible, the exit was just a few steps closer but the woman who was once blinded with pepper spray was now up on her feet. 

“OI, DID YOU NOT HEAR ME SCREAMING?” She exclaimed, calling at the guards from each exit. You quickly slid in between two containers, pulling Felix in front of you. 

Felix looked to the side, the awkward positioning giving you two no space. You could only look at him in the midst of events. His face filled with freckles, brown eyes, lightly shaded features and blonde hair. You clenched your jaw, trying to keep yourself together as a guard passed by you two. 

You felt a wet patch growing on your chest, causing you to look down at Felix’s wound. The chest to chest contact had not only gotten your cheeks pink but also your coat, fancy. As soon as the guards followed the girl, Felix tapped your shoulder and pointed at the exit as you assisted him out. 

“We have to be quick, the guards are probably looking for us” He panted as he let go of you, opening the door as you ran to your driver’s seat. 

“Is that a bullet wound?? You’re bleeding so much, do I call 911?” You exclaimed, looking at him for a response. 

“Just drive!” Felix exclaimed, watching as the guards started the move out of the building. 

“Fuck, fuck!!” You screamed, pressing on the accelerator as the car backed up. You shook in fear when you felt your car being shot. “Felix, I already told you this shit isn’t bulletproof!! It’s just a freaking Toyota!!” You cried out, watching as the bodyguards chased towards you. 

Felix pulled out a gun from under his jeans before opening the window and shooting at the guards. “Keep going, it’s fine” He puffed out before you could finally meet the road. You quickly changed gears to drive and found yourself on a crowded street. 

“Felix! Felix?” You asked, looking to your right to find him clenching onto his shirt. “Shit, you’re bleeding even more, should I drive to the hospital?” 

“No, no just pull over” He whispered back, “Check if we lost them and pull over, if not go to a hotel nearby” 

Thanks to your years of being a taxi driver, you knew the streets like the back of your hand. Making a few turns you found yourself at a motel that your friend owned. You pulled up at the drive-thru, soon realizing that Felix was next to you. 

Trying your best to cover him with your figure, you thanked your friend and grabbed a key to an empty room. 

----

“Oh my god, that’s so- eek!” You screeched as Felix removed the bullet from his waist. 

Turning around, you felt a similar pain growing on your side just from the sight of Felix’s injury. 

“It’s over, you can look now” Felix rolled his eyes, laying back on the bed carefully so he wouldn’t stain the sheets. 

You turned around, slowly opening your eyes to find him resting against the bedrest. “Umm, I can go chill with my friend downstairs if you want to relax that… seems pretty serious” 

“No it’s fine, you can stay in bed with me if you’d like” 

“I mean, wait what?!” 

Felix smirked at your response, chuckling in pain as his laughs caused pained to his stomach. “Oh come on, I saw the way you were checking me out earlier” 

You gasped at his words, “What a cocky bitch. This is coming from the same guy who said ‘If you don’t see me in ten, try calling the police, but I doubt you’ll have to do that’” You mocked in his deep voice. 

“Hey- it was your problem for not waiting ten minutes. If you had waited I’m sure I would’ve found a way out of there” 

“Excuse me?” You asked sarcastically, walking towards him. “Oh were you not going to thank me for saving your life right now?” 

Felix sat up on the bed, his lips inches away from yours before whispering “Would you like me to?” 

You pushed him back in his place before crossing your arms. Felix did the same, crossing his arms and closing his eyes as he grabbed onto the sheet. “ I think the injury is getting worse even after I took out the bullet” 

“It seriously doesn’t hurt?” You asked, eyeing the cut and clothes torn with blood, the white material of his suit slowly dissipating. “Maybe we should clean it up” You run to the bathroom to grab some towels, filling a bath bowl with water and returning. 

“Here,” You said, handing him the things before he could close his eyes. 

“I don’t think I can do it myself, can you?” 

You look back down at the clothed wound, dipping the cloth in water and dabbing it. 

“I swear to god, take off the shirt please” He groans, arching his back at the contact of cold water. 

You feel a gulp down your throat as you slowly unbutton his white shirt, his broad sweaty chest being exposed before revealing the wound for itself. 

Watching his facial expressions, you slowly clean up the bullet wound and remove his shirt so you could cool him down with the hot water. 

“Thank you” He mutters out, “Thank you for not freaking out on me, it’s honestly surprising that you didn’t ask me when I’m calling for backup… or how you even trusted me in the first place” 

“It’s fine, today would’ve been another Saturday I supposed if I wasn’t saving some FBI agent’s life” 

Felix chuckled at your response, “Taxi driver huh? You don’t seem fit for the job”

“Oh really? It’s been three years and I’m doing just fine. What do you see me as?”

Felix’s eyebrows wrinkled in thought before he could answer, “Maybe an FBI agent… in fact, would you like to be my partner?”

[naoyatoudo]

holy shit I am so sick of seeing this

tw: noncon mentions

TYK ending spoilers under cut

WKX did NOT fake his tears to get ZZS to let him top, can people stop spreading this. I don’t understand the cognitive dissonance some people have where they recognize he was genuinely letting himself finally cry and be upset over all the deaths, his lifetime revenge being realize, and ZZS surviving and then say how sweet it is ZZS understands he was upset and hugged him while then turning around and saying he cried only to fuck. He didn’t. WKX genuinely cried there. He said he wasn’t going to lie to ZZS and I highly doubt he would take advantage of him like that or lie about that given everything.

It’s unreal to me that someone could have read the WKX extra and thought WKX would fake his tears over his parents, his little girl in purple, and even ZZS. They’re too important to him. He would tell little stories that don’t seem as connected to lessen the pain, but he wouldn’t fake cry over any single one of those. How could he possibly use any of those to fake cry to get ZZS to let him top when he has spent years unable to get over even just the first one? It’s really a disservice to him and how affected he is by those things to imply he would use them like that.

Some people love to act like WKX is such a predator, but he’s all hot air. When he said he could “force a transaction” he was just spitting out bullshit to try and get a rise out of ZZS, hence why he IMMEDIATELY stopped when ZZS said idgaf. The one time you can say he did force something was the kiss early on and he did it to cover up their conversation from CWN and the other disciple that was there listening to their conversation. It’s still shitty, and thankfully ZZS punched him in the face for it.

I’m not sure how people have such a fundamental misunderstanding of WKX, but it’s kind of sick. I see some people on Twitter giggle about how he would rape ZZS for a kink and there’s no fucking way he would ever do that. Some people need to learn reading comprehension and critical thinking. It’s like we read different novels. Did anyone actually read the extra from his POV? It really shows how he’s much more serious and, dare I say, emotional/sentimental than he appears from ZZS’ POV.

And don’t come in expecting WKX or ZZS to be a good person either, neither of them are. WKX will not rape ZZS ever, but he would jokingly say it earlier in their “friendship” I’ll say since I don’t believe they had feelings for each other at the time, to get a rise out of him. Is he shitty for it? Of course he is. But he’s not a rapist and he did not manipulate ZZS.

In fact, he respects ZZS’ wishes so much he stopped himself from destroying the man’s cultivation in an effort to save him because ZZS said he didn’t want him to. He stopped himself immediately. Because ZZS said no. Despite him thinking he wanted to keep ZZS with him forever. Because he respects his decisions. This is also a point to say he’s not a yandere as I’ve seen some people claim he is before. He’s not. At all.

Do you also think ZZS is oblivious enough to fall for WKX faking that sort of thing? The point is they know each other well. They get each other’s feelings. They understand each other more than anyone else in the world. How could WKX fake cry and ZZS, who has tons of experience with deceit in the first place and a WHOLE major emotional scene with WKX telling him he is sincere, not catch on? That would be such a slap in the face to their relationship.

To me, it was more like WKX is a horny bastard and took the moment of them being so close as a chance to see if ZZS was willing and/or he wanted to have sex and feel a closeness/that deeper connection to ZZS who was alive despite everything, his one light he was living for that he almost just lost. And ZZS was willing. And then after they fucked his thoughts were more like an afterthought of wow that just happened...does it have to  happen like that every time...?

I don’t know why some people think it’s so funny to imagine WKX faked it, I almost feel like people are trying to project LBH from SVSSS onto him in ways to try and get more people to read it. I’ve noticed a lot of Western danmei fans (can’t speak for other regions) tend to use MXTX and 2ha characters as a way to describe characters in other novels for some reason. Please stop giving this false, and frankly negative, image to WKX. He is not like LBH. He is not like WWX. He is not like Mo Ran. He is like himself.

[queenofallwitches]

Why I hate people who spend their adult life arguing online;

1. Well it’s juvenile , I personally prefer to leave any and all pseudo intellectual social discourse in my 6th grade debating class...

2. You aren’t anyone important and not saying novel things, you are using people who have put information that is novel and trying to spin it into your own agenda.

3. Waste of time, fools will be foolish, and if you enjoy the discourse, toastmasters or academic debating would be more productive uses of time

4. You lack self insight

5. You are self aware and doing it due to your own egotistical, sadistic, cunning desires. (Trolls, deep fakes)

Why I never take anyone who loves to argue on menial topics seriously: (spiritually or mentally)

I am high iq and high eq. I am also “attractive by the conventional measures of society” I deal with the most pathetic and malicious idiots who cannot understand a woman who has aesthetic appeal, that can also hold a stimulating and intelligent conversation.

I don’t argue. I problem solve. Arguing online was faded out when I was 14 years old.

But people who are almost 40, ar still out there pretending that they are the most unique and authoritative source of blogging bullshit. When the world media and journalism is where we are today. The academic literature speaks a plethora more than an adult in the hamster wheel, unable to see they are playing checkers in a left vs right, design by social engineering and the think tanks of Tavistock, you play the part they put you to be.

A dialectic of irrational and repetitive arguments is never productive.

It lacks a solution or a higher order of resolution, why are you behaving to destroy when you are claiming to want to create a world better?

So unconscious and unexplained lack of self awareness in adults who are obviously insecure and ignorant becomes old quick.

I comprehend why it’s important but the level of the argument is basic, and been recycled 1000000 times.

Why am I writing this? Free speech is not free. If you can discourse over the same shit and never find a solution you are part of the same fucking problem.

How I know?

Life experience. Learning.

Love of learning and living and devouring the higher level of what if, how can we, let’s move into a better solution.

I have many years of experience that is beyond the understanding of most people and I have gone through things nobody understands.

One time I was a young teen, but was already too smart, too sassy, too aware and that left my life a wreck after I went too far.

I DID get expelled in the 11th grade. I’m no idiot, I am actually genius, by measures of conventional iq.

So I was academically talented without effort, not to boast, because I hated being smart.

But I did get the internet social discourse I needed to say; on things that we should be all knowing are social engineering in a designed dichotomy to divide and conquer.

I was in a program in high school called cum laude. I cannot recall the meaning. But we were advanced academics, not only skilled at learning but sports, extra curricular things like musicals, choir, crusade survivor camps (duke of Edinburgh), debating, tutoring/mentoring younger students & more. I won many awards without trying. Mostly for geography (social science), design tech, visual art & creative writing. I was learning university level things in year 8. And examining and analysis to debate in scholarly discourse about topics that were familiar when I was in 1-2 year of my bachelor degree. An example is philosophy, as this was mandated in the GT program. Smart is my sense of knowing how to balance the logical and the emotional. This is ONE percent of my life but one I did not follow through on and as a result I walk this path now, and I put up with the educated and intelligent “idiots” (like conformity, bullying, bitching kids in the same class) and refuse to stoop to low iq, low eq and low level idiots.

You waste time. I am not saying I am only exclusive to educated or academic professionals, that is not what this is about. This is about me being underestimated and undermined and never taken seriously because I get the most inhuman torment if I do start to speak my truth.

Lucky I found comfort in solitary rebellion. So. Let’s see what I am that is always going to be a work in progress but what my enemies forget all the time.

To remind you:

I am a born, intuitive empath, psychic and ancestral lineages of many esoteric paths play into my natural ability. I used to hate feeling, knowing and perceiving things that I could see happening, in my dreams, visions and “gnosis” before they happened. I felt powerless.

But now I know how to harness it, things change.

And yet still I have to sit back and observe, as I did for years in school, and then in the fucking shithole employment situation that was my consequence of 2 expulsions from schools. (They value conformity over fucking intelligence) I had a gang of kids in my last high school sign a petition to have me expelled and that is one example of how people in my life come to attack, hate, misunderstand and spit venom for no reason.

I never push that energy myself. But I call things as I see them. I am real , and my perception is primed to pierce the veil on those who lack authenticity, who are bullies, cunning, cruel, conformists, deep fakes, fraudulent, following orders for the sake of fear, or just narcissistic or psychopathic “organic portals” who carry out the agenda for the black lodge.

I have no issue if these people want to live a life away from me and what I protect. But when my sphere is crossed into on a repeated basis, I will study the situation in silence. I won’t speak of what I see, without objective and subjective factors weighed in a careful, cautious but not closed minded, way. See you and I are probably not the same because I’m the kind of human who always gives people the benefit of the doubt and believes that people are better, that is my detriment and my strength. I see the good and hope that others carry a genuine heart and soul. But my experience shows me that I am not wrong when I feel off, or intuitive feelings are ignored due to my “dismissal”.

When I find the truth, I always say, I knew I needed to listen to my heart and head.

That’s why I can never be broken, or betrayed, or backstabbed worse than before. It is always a learning lesson I am open to growing from.

I am always open to being wrong, or told how to be better, my flaws are on open display and I am not scared of that. I want to be more helpful to grow and nourish the people and places I interact with.

In my world, arguing online was a dying medium by my 18th birthday. For many reasons. But the enemy is a sucker for this divide and conquer, drama bred social and political bullshit that’s all just opinion and speculation. It creates a negative tone and teaches nothing of novelty or wisdom. It just shows how weak, insecure, paranoid, and self obsessed people who are too old for the high school bullshit, by miles, are. my enemies could even spit out the first longing to follow the death cult of the black lodge, I was already aware of what 95 % of you found out in 2020. I don’t mean to be pretentious or pompous, I’m not. I’m actually the most passionate, loving and open minded human I know. But the people who come into my spaces to play to prey. Imposters and the immoral, A siphoning sickness in a role to ruin, how could anyone do that but someone who is a soul-devoid parasite? That’s real fucking discourse. Let’s talk about morality, moral principles and how they are applied and actualised into the metacogition of your own microcosm.

Suggestions and solutions?

How about discourse on the metaphysics of mystic, magick, the mind and the method to mend the mundane world into a manifestation where a symbiotic system of mutually beneficial prosperity, peace, collaboration, creation & harmony can be lived on a daily basis?

How about solutions and sitting with your own shadow in the darkness to see your flaws.

how they only give me a free pass to watch the shit show. when push comes to shove and patterns that are seen in your behaviour, cyclically, are the key that unlocks the truth of anyone’s hidden motivation.

Why is deception and destruction never noted by the deceived, unless someone like me comes to break the wall of ignorance to say “hey this is the truth and it hurts and looks vile but fucking wake up”. No I don’t like the ripple impact this has but at the same time I am aw woman of strength. I will stand up for the real, authentic and genuine truth and speak my mind.

I don’t sugar coat this bullshit.

Nor will I indulge it.

Let alone be a person who lets it seep it’s tendrils into my life and what I love.

Not ever. Never.

As someone wise once said “despair ends, tactics begin”

You cannot claim any authentic path without putting your soul, blood and spirit to the test of facing your demons, slaying the darkness. I am not sure that comes with what I and others see these action and behaviour presenting to be.

I rarely write things like this, and only want to address this because i walk on a path of “rose and thorn”. My thorn will eventually slay whatever is a threat, a charlatan or a sheep in wolves clothing. By accident. Because what you are lacking is always looking to attack, I am always having to protect and defend my life from the evil.

I see you. I know the hidden hand x64. I am always open to forgiving people if they are sincere but will play reflection of the adverse if passive people are coming to what to me, is a beautiful and amazing thing, and to be acting as agents of sabotage? Shame on your lack of soul, and it’s lack of seeking to steal, stain and shit all over the things of substance, spirituality and sincerity will always be seen when I am the seer seeing the undertones.

So where is the moral compass?

Find yourself, and then you can find something real that is yours to be into and love. Maybe even this. But to fuck with what is real, while being fake, and following orders, is by far, fence sitting and fraudulent, insidious & infantile activity. Why not spend time looking inside to see why you are following this order from who for what? What is your genuine purpose? Soul mission? Higher self ? Or are you all still stuck in the love is the law is the law love under the will of the guy who wrote a book last century.

Fucking even Crowley lived his great work, and he has flaws and did things many would dispute to be “evil”. But he didn’t copy another clone from 100 years prior, following the mantra that someone else made up. That’s the stupid thing, the whole “do what thou wilt” was not do what you want but that is not a strong point for the sheep of the worst. I know as I see both sides, and as a child in the 90s I saw the dark, evil and insidious. To see that again, here, 3 decades later, playing coy but really carrying rancid intent.. is my call to commune what many will never see, because you all are complicit, and tell these fucking lies and divert productive progress by your stupid discourse. These people LOVE senseless debating. Semantics. Solutions, self awareness or seek a soul inside the empty cavern that the black lodge will set inside your sadistic serpentine, slimy soul.

[ds-sparrow-manufacturing-co]

A Rebuttal

Ok so I really did not want to make this post. I would’ve loved to have left this whole thing behind because I’m aware I made some mistakes and would like to atone for them, but it seems I’m going to have to go over this one more time. For anyone seeing this post who somehow doesn’t know, I said some regrettable things about Aidan Gallagher here. I later made another post here summarising the entire situation that resulted, so I would suggest you read that first. 

I’m still getting people telling me what I said was fucked up, which is entirely justified. However, I have just now realised that the person who took it upon themselves to ‘correct’ me about my opinions of Aidan Gallagher (something that has not changed, I still strongly dislike him) later made several derogatory posts about me. I was not aware of this because after the first rude post they made about me, I blocked them to save myself the additional stress. 

I have done my best to deal with this whole thing as calmly and politely as possible. When this person was downright evil towards me, I didn’t bother to argue with them, I just made an admittedly-snarky post with a screenshot of what they said, and then blocked them because I had no desire to begin an argument. When I realised that what I had said about Aidan Gallagher had been fucked up, I apologised, accepted my mistake and did what I could to fix it. But I am out of patience. I don’t take kindly to being treated the way this person has treated me, I don’t think anyone does. So here I am, about to break down everything they said about me bit by bit to show you how much of a lying scumbag they have been towards me (as well as possibly others).

warning: this post is incredibly long

tw: su*c*de mentions

My first interaction with this person was when i got an anon ask who wanted to know what Aidan Gallagher had done to make me dislike him. I responded with a brief list, excluding most of my evidence because it was late at night and I didn’t have the energy to go down the rabbit hole of all this. The following day, the blog this post is about reblogged my post, attempting to disprove everything I said. I will not include screenshots here, because it was a long post, you can find it in my archive if you so wish. I read what they said, took everything into account, and responded with my proof for things I hadn’t previously included the proof for, as well as explanations for why certain things he’s said annoyed/upset me. I expected a polite response, as we had both been courteous so far. 

Instead,  I received the following:

Now, lets break down some of what they said.

‘stop saying things you can’t prove, because it’s fake’ - I provided my proof. I am not trying to lie to anyone, or perpetuate rumours. All I aimed to do was explain my point of view and why I personally dislike him.

‘some of your screenshots are fake’ - That’s just blatantly untrue, especially as they have at other points said things along the lines of ‘well yes but he apologised/he didn’t mean it like that’ for everything I have provided screenshots for. Make up your mind.

‘you’re so gullible’ - For... having an opinion? That I researched before forming? And which is based on something other than my blind faith in a 17 year old? Right.

This was when I blocked them.

I thought that was going to be the end of the situation. Then, I got some asks.

I saw this and, being a minor, was a little creeped out. I had assumed this person was a teenage fangirl because that’s who the majority of Aidan Gallgher’s fans are so this information was surprising.

This one scared me. I did what the anon suggested, created a backup (i won’t tag it here because I get the feeling some of the aforementioned ‘army’ are going to see this) and reported the other blog. Once again, I thought it was over.

It was at this point that people started telling me how fucked up what I said in my original post was, and I realised they were right. As mentioned at the start of this post, I apologised, and did everything I could to fix it. End of, right?

Until today, where I started thinking about what the above anons had said and decided to fact check, mainly out of curiosity. I unblocked the blog, only to discover they had made 3 posts about me that I hadn’t seen.

This was the first one, as you can see they began it with a screenshot of my original post. Let’s talk about this.

“but you wishing him dead is ok?” - I never wished him dead, to start with. Stabbing does not automatically equal death, but I know that’s nitpicky of me. I also did not wish he was stabbed. I said in that exact tag that I didn’t, because of TUA. However, I know that this ‘joke’ was really shitty of me, and I have already apologised multiple times.

“what kind of a low life do you have to be to have nothing better to do, but talk shit about a kid?” - Why don’t you tell me? As I’ve said multiple times, I am a minor. That doesn’t excuse what I said, but that does make it incredibly hypocritical of them to say that given everything.

This was the second post they made about me, beginning with the same screenshot as in the first post.

“they’re spreading false rumors” - I’ve already covered this one.

“they want a reason to be mean, even if it isn’t true” - I would never be mean to someone if they hadn’t done anything to deserve it. I’m a strong believer in the moral philosophy of respecting everyone until they give you a reason not to. Aidan Gallagher has given me more than enough reasons to lose respect for him. And, honestly? I still respect him as an actor, even if only that.

“you can’t say you’re a decent human being and wish someone dead. you can’t say you’re anti-bullying and want to prevent suicide and then bully someone” - That is some big talk from someone who claimed they were ok with what Aidan Gallagher said about mental health because they’ve had their own experiences with suicide, before immediately telling me to rot and burn in hell for disagreeing with them. And, wait a second, wasn’t Aidan Gallagher the one supporting women’s rights and feminism who then turned around and made gross comments towards a bunch of girls? Hmm. Also, wishing someone dead is too wide of a blanket statement to actually measure whether someone is a decent human being with. 

“i tried to be nice” - I didn’t know telling someone to rot in hell, calling them a stupid hoe, was being nice. I didn’t know lying, and telling people to report someone because they disagreed with you was being nice (notice how they never said anything about my stabbing comment until I disagreed with them.) I guess we have very different definitions of nice.

“if they really cared, they would kindly ask a fan if the rumors were true” - And that, ladies gentleman and variations thereupon, is a brilliant example of how not to perform unbiased research! I based my opinion on actual evidence, and neutral articles as well as arguments from both sides. Not on one fan who’s likely to deny everything.

“they said it themselves, they have no proof” - That is so incredibly cherrypicked. What I actually said was “supposedly used the f-slur although i can’t find proof“, one of the many points on my list of reasons I dislike Aidan Gallagher. You know why I said that? Because I found a screenshot of him supposedly having called someone that slur via Instagram but I gave him the benefit of the doubt and decided it was probably edited. I included the point on my list in the hopes of people doing their own research. And I certainly did not say I had no proof for anything, as you would know if you saw my original response to this blog, where I provided proof.

“threatening him and bullying him is wrong” - I am fully admitting of the fact my stabbing comment was in poor taste but it was very clearly not a threat and not even close to being bullying. Furthermore, I would say making four posts harassing and telling others to harass someone because they disagree with you is a lot closer to being bullying than anything I did was.

“defamation is a crime” - I live in the UK, so let’s use those defamation laws. A statement is not defamation unless it ‘ has caused or is likely to cause serious harm to the reputation of the claimant.’ Less than a hundred people are even aware my blog exists. Nowhere near enough people have seen anything I’ve said to count as defamatory. Not to mention that a statement is not defamatory if it is a statement of opinion.

“you’ll get karma for lying and playing the victim” -  Ohhh the irony. I have not lied once. I have provided all the necessary proof for everything and I have owned up to my mistakes. And yet, they, who have repeatedly lied about me, twisted my words and oddly enough, avoided including proof outside that one screenshot of my original post, are the one accusing me of playing the victim. Classy.

“hi to your little follower that you cry to” - This one’s just hilarious to me. I’m happy to have people on here who will let me know when people are, you know, harassing and bullying me. And, what the hell do they mean by ‘cry to’? Do they mean ‘mentioned that this situation was stressful once’? Wow.

“I promise you misery for the rest of your sad little life” - Honestly just re-read the other screenshots after seeing they said this. Jesus Christ. And, as someone who already struggles with depression and other mental health issues I’m interested to know what they’re intending to do that’s gonna be any worse.

“you’ll pay! that’s not a threat it’s a promise” - Are they planning on tracking me down? Or are they just going to keep sitting on their throne of yes men and echo chambers acting as if they’re actually affecting me? 

I would say this is the last post I plan to make about this situation but I’ve said that over and over again throughout the last 12 days and it’s never the last post. This whole situation has honestly been very emotionally taxing, and combined with some real life things, it’s been a bad week or so. Hopefully this post is enough to end this whole thing. 

[destroyyourbinder]

the day i was a man

In the summer of 2019, I decided to fully shave my head into a buzzcut, something I had never done before. I had a lot of feelings emerge and re-emerge at the time. While I was still visibly female in my day to day life- something that felt uniquely frightening given the utter dykeyness of my haircut- I accidentally discovered one day in August that my haircut could allow me to pass as male. While I had deliberately tried to “pass” in an earlier life, at the height of experiencing gender dysphoria, I was never taken to be a man except by chance (such as from behind or from afar). So potentially being able to pass as male was a new and disorienting experience, one I felt compelled to explore out of multiply perverse kinds of curiosity. As a context note: I mention my partner frequently in this piece, who has detransitioned from her transition from female to male, but chooses to handle her situation through continuing to pass as male at work and in public. Her experiences unavoidably framed my experience trying to pass for a day, and this experiment changed permanently how I see both her passing persona and the public presentation of female transgender people. If you can pull it off, and perhaps even if you can’t (a different, but also nervewracking experience), I recommend women try this at least once, especially if you claim to understand the experiences of transgender female people. It is a female experience to which there are truly few comparisons, and to which even the majority of living gender non-conforming lesbians cannot relate. Having largely recovered from gender dysphoria, I cannot imagine having to permanently live my life this way nor finding it affirming to do so, and I am disturbed that this experience was one I once aspired to and envied. However, I am glad I had it, and I plan to try again sometime in this upcoming summer when I can cut my hair without freezing. My partner now knows I did this, and I am especially curious what it might be like being seen together.

I wrote this the day I chose to do this experiment. My goal was to take public transportation to a shopping center so I could check out some shoes I was considering buying. The first part (in present tense) I wrote before leaving the house and while dressed in preparation, the second part (in past tense) was written after I returned, using my memories of the experience. It has been mildly edited for readability and to include a few details and pieces of context.

----

I am scared of what happens not if I pass but if I don’t pass. In trying to become a man I have become a woman I am afraid of and afraid for. It’s often the same thing when you are a woman watching women. I am having trouble breathing under three sports bras when I usually wear none. My chest is flat unless I actually stand up straight and proud. I have to be ashamed to become a man, although they say men are confident and becoming one will make you so. I debate whether or not to put some kind of fake dick in my pants, although I doubt that will do anything, and I shudder to think what will happen if I do and it doesn’t work. Being a woman with a dick stuffed in your pants: at best I’m pathetic, at worst I am a monster.

I don’t know how to explain this to my girlfriend. I don’t know how to explain that I had to do this, at least once. I don’t know how to explain to her something she already knows.

I wonder if I’ve been watching too many music videos. I wonder if this is about sex. I don’t know how I can wash our dishes while being a man, but I decide I should try before I try something bold like letting people look at me.

The danger of not passing is violence. The danger internally is that it would be deserved. I realize there’s no real way to justify wanting to do this, nonetheless actually doing it. I think wanting to transition is sublimated fear. I wonder if this will help me with my social anxiety, because this fucking sucks. This is not the exposure therapy the doctor ordered. It feels familiar to be ashamed of myself and hold my body this way, like an old chair molding around my butt, like stepping into old shoes. Dykes go to the outdoor store but do bulldykes go there? I realize I don’t know anything about bulldykes. I understand why so many trans people are so preoccupied with being fake vs. real, false vs. genuine. There is something intrinsically very fake about passing. You are faking the other sex. Of course you feel fake. It is a pretense. It feels very odd to pretend so seriously, so people pretend that they are not pretending after all. I am fixated on the small things all over again. I find myself wondering when I tie my girlfriend’s boots to my feet whether or not men have ankles like mine. My laces are too wide at the bottom, too small at the top. I worry that this will lead me to be discovered or worse, mocked. I know this is absurd but in this state I don’t feel like I can take any chances, like I would even know what chances to take. When I went to get the bus I thought I saw my coworker. It ended up not being her, but I crossed the street and circled back because I didn’t want her to see me so strange, doing something so weird and incomprehensible. I understand now why people change towns, friends, abandon their family. This is difficult to explain, even if you say you are “trans”. It doesn’t make sense, fundamentally, to anyone with a grounding in their body. The bus driver was a big black woman, serious face, tattoos. I think she was a dyke. I got the sense she was looking at me out of the side of her eye when I got on the bus, but that might be paranoia. I didn’t know because I didn’t want to look her in the face too hard. I get why my girlfriend’s so avoidant in public. You don’t want people to know what you’re doing, you don’t want people to see your face. It’s real hard to know what emotion to put on there when you’re a dude. It’s real scary to not have the barrier of a woman’s smile or laugh anymore. It almost feels nice to not have to do it, but how do you handle anything? I’m the type of woman who’s been able to get away with this gender weirdo shit throughout my life because I gave an oh-shucks smile at the end of it, that little woman’s laugh that means I’m not a threat, not serious, not anything at all. When you’re “a man” you can’t do that anymore. You’re naked under six layers of clothes. When you can’t do that anymore you’ve got nothing except sheer bravado and nothing to back it up. What if it doesn’t work, what if you suddenly become the type of girl who doesn’t smile? I get why my girlfriend doesn’t look anybody in the face, even though she looks real fucking shifty sometimes. You can’t look a man in the face and not be able to back it up. Men are like reactive dogs. They’ll get fucked up if you look them in the eye. On the bus I realized all of the sudden even though I’ve read a billion passing guides, and I’ve stared down dudes real jealous my whole life I do not know how a man sits. I had fixated so much on the legs and where they go that I didn’t know what they did with hands, elbows; how do you look out the window if you’re a guy? What do you look at? I snatched glances at the dude up front, an ambiguously brown teen who could probably pass as white in the right places but not the wrong ones, a dude with a big mop of floppy curly dark hair and what looked like a serious case of apathy. He was scrolling on his phone, and I could see the divots of acne scars forming on the side of his face. Guy didn’t look like he could grow a lot of facial hair but probably made up for it with encyclopedic knowledge of Fortnite or some shit. I knew he had a life, but he seemed like most men, kind of constitutionally dull. He wasn’t looking at anything, really, I guess only kids and women really look at stuff. Which made it hard to do the whole clandestine observation thing, I decided, a guy who looks at stuff is not really a dude. I tried to look kinda dumb and wasn’t sure where my jaw should go. The girlfriend does this thing sometimes with her mouth that makes me cringe when she does it at home. Sometimes she phases in and out of her passing persona if she’s talking about work or feeling threatened for whatever reason, if she’s in a different place and time than the place and time where she’s home and a wife and all that. She does a little underbite, doing that thing that internet FTMs do in the pictures they take; I figured she learned to do it like a little bird puffs itself up, it makes her little head look bigger and squarer. I tried to do it when out and about; my teeth don’t fit together that way. I’m sure I looked like a moron. But men do dumb shit all the time.

I transferred to the train, and when I got off at the station I ended up walking kinda the wrong way for a while. I imagined all the people in the cars staring at me. I hate walking on the sidewalks along highways and strip malls. I dunno if they look, and if they do, what they see. I was real nervous but I figured I didn’t know any of them anyway and made it into the shopping center where the store was. It occurred to me that if this was an adventure it was quite a stupid one, but it was an adventure nonetheless, complete with the actual lack of excitement and the actual presence of fear. I had never been in this particular store before and everything was displayed so tastefully. I was dismayed to notice the presence of a million salespeople, and realized I didn’t fucking know which gender of shoe I even wanted to try to look at because I didn’t know how I was coming across. I was not going to be a dude who asks for women’s shoes, a.k.a. a woman who’s obviously doing something real weird asking for women’s shoes nonetheless. And at this store you gotta ask for the shoes, and I didn’t want to use my voice because I’m pretty sure I’m obviously female by voice. So I just stared awkwardly at the shoes, mostly, I checked the prices and the clearance racks, and they were too expensive anyway. At one point I realized I was looking at the women’s shoes (which seemed like a huge fucking big deal) and I went to cross over to the men’s shoes, there was a group of bros standing in front of the men’s shoe wall and they parted like the red sea when I went over. I think this was passing because frankly I’ve never had men ever get out of my fucking way. I ended up circling around the store and leaving because no way was I going to afford any of the shit in there, and they didn’t even have very many shoes of the kind I was looking for. I went into the chain pet store next door and wandered around in there. There was a young person working the register who was a young lesbian or a trans kid or something. Every time I saw a woman I felt guilty, it was real weird to be separated so much from women. I had thoughts of jumping out, you know, and saying “boo”, following a woman a bit too close to see what would happen, even though I knew that would be real fucking mean. But it would be the test. See how women react to you: are you still a woman yet? What happens when you’re not a women to women anymore? It seems real fucking lonely. I was already lonely, and it had been maybe three hours. Men are real rude to other men. Some old white sales guy was like,“excuse me”, real curt and direct in a way I’d never got before, not gentle but not with the contempt-force they use towards a fucked up woman. It was empty of all the shit I’d learned to expect. How men deal with the emptiness I don’t know. They must fill it with all sorts of nonsense just to pass the time, just for kicks, is that why they want to hit each other and fuck things? There was a little girl with her family outside the stores, she had a floppy autistic hand and was wearing cargo shorts, I wished her luck inside my head but couldn’t smile at her and my heart broke.

I walked around and tried to find the other location of a store I used to work at. I knew it was around there somewhere but couldn’t find where the building was. My stomach was grumbling and it occurred to me that if I needed to use a bathroom I’d be screwed. Even if I was still plausibly visibly female I was female in the way that’d get me bathroom trouble, and I wasn’t quite dudely enough to stride into the men’s. The store I used to work at had gender neutral bathrooms, and I realized a hell of a lot of trans people must be in a huge pickle all the time. I understand the bathroom resentment even if trans people project their validation shit onto it. It’s easier to believe you’re being invalidated than that you’re scared because you’re doing something real weird and you’re in hiding all the time. I don’t know how people live like this full time. There’s got to be a lot of grief, nihilism, resignation when you finally make it so you can’t go back. The tension’s unbearable: I imagine a lot of trans people think that the tension will be resolved if they make themselves undiscoverable, if they just push themselves more towards perceptibly male.

The sports bras were hurting me. It was hard to walk so much in this get up. I found I was breathing with my mouth open a lot to get enough air, and the word “mouthbreather” kept occurring to me. I realized the shit that I had to knock out of me as an autistic woman was double-edged as someone trying to pass. A lot of it actually helped, a healthy and hamhanded disrespect/disregard for etiquette is very male, but I realized I was still real weird with weird motivations and weird in ways that would make me stick out even as a dude. I understood why the girlfriend has a persona-- she says he’s some nobody, a stoner dude, a guy who doesn’t have all that much to say and of course it’s kinda stupid if he did-- to cover the incongruities. Before I got back on the train there was this young black woman with a swagger, wearing what looked like men’s pants, wandering around the platform. I figured the universe was fucking testing me today because she might be gay too. She was talking on her phone in a video chat, getting way too close to the edge. She wobbled over the edge a couple times, then decided to sit on the fucking platform with her legs out over the tracks . Some shady white guy wearing gloves was doing some weird shit with the ticket machines, a lot of coins were coming out and he was rustling around. I figured he had some kinda scheme and decided to leave him very alone because I didn’t know how the fuck I was supposed to react as a fellow guy if he wanted something from me. The woman didn’t look up when the train coming the opposite way signaled, and I got scared I was gonna have to drag her off the tracks, like maybe she wasn’t doing good and she was gonna try something. I realized I didn’t want to die as a man, didn’t want that woman to be saved by me as a man, what if they called up my girlfriend and said I was some dude, what if she found me in three sports bras and three shirts in the hospital, what would everyone think. Swagger gal jumped the hell out of her skin and scooted away when our train was coming, so I didn’t have to worry about it. When I got on some family plopped down in front of me, and I felt that grief again. If I was a man I couldn’t look at kids with the same gentleness, there was no solidarity with the mom and her weariness, I couldn’t take the load on my hips alongside her. I didn’t want to do this any more. I had planned to catch the bus on my way back but the bus wasn’t going to come for a while. I decided to walk from my home train station and see if I could catch my girlfriend at work but realized I didn’t want her to see me like this. I didn’t know who I was, walking through the dark back into the neighborhood. I peeked into a dark bar with sports on the televisions, a lot of normal heterosexuals doing their thing. But back on the main drag it was trendier heterosexuals everywhere. I stopped beside a dark park to take off two of the bras and tucked them in my pockets. I had no idea what the fuck I looked like when I was walking somewhere more familiar, didn’t know where to put my chin, didn’t know whether I was incongruent, incomprehensible, or I was just myself. My clothes were all mine except the beanie and the boots. It was nothing crazy but I felt crazy, I felt split in two, schizophrenic in the old-school definition way. If my coworkers saw me they’d know me, but maybe I wouldn’t know me in return. When I got to my girlfriend’s workplace I realized she wasn’t in the building; she had stepped across the street to take a break and get some air. I don’t think she recognized me coming across the street. I felt all fucked up for a long hot second until she broke into a smile. I couldn’t tell if she was astonished I was out and about in the area at that hour or that that body was me. I wandered on home, got an Arizona iced tea, went up to the corner pharmacy all weird in the head and high on drag to get some mascara to see if I could make me a beard someday. The people at the pharmacy usually know me, and I didn’t want to be some weirdo who was trying to be a guy in front of them. The guy who I think’s a manager was around, then a barely-outta-adolescence woman with a bob of orange hair and strange makeup and a big old nose ring. These days they make eyebrow mascara, in each brand there were a million different kinds. Who knew, and who knew it cost 12 bucks for a little tube. I went around the corner feeling lucky: there was some in the clearance section. Why someone like me’d buy mascara for your eyebrows, who knows. I was titillated by the tiny brushes. The young woman at the counter wanted to talk to me about my nose ring, hers was only a tad bigger, and she told me she must’ve hit a nerve when she stretched. Her piercings were nice, I was happy to have a conversation with a woman as a woman of some sort even though she was a different kind of woman all in all. When the wall comes down it’s terrible. I can’t imagine that wall all the time and what that must do to women behind it.

[youcantfiremebecauseiquit]

I think Courtney Love is as fake as Emilie Autumn. They both created alternate pasts and idealized identities for the images they want to project as famous people.

I just realized i wrote 2 pages or something of text. If you asked me in person i’d tell you maybe two sentences but when i have to write, i write too much. Sorry lol.

It’s your opinion and you have right to think so. But CL being comparable to Emilie Autumn? Dude. Alternate pasts? What pasts? Courtney Love didn’t create her past, she literally had fucked up past. And she didn’t lie about her family. She would sometimes exaggerate while saying her Hollywood/rock anecdotes but she didn’t lie about her past. I recommend buying „Dirty Blonde”. Idk, I think you simply don’t like her. Courtney Love had kinderwhore look for a few years and then switched to designer clothes, but she doesn’t undermine her previous looks and records (except for Pretty On The Inside, she doesn’t like it now). Courtney doesn’t create any fake alternate reality, she have recurring themes (like fallen women for example), but she does what she wants while Emilie milks the same old worn out thing for years. She writes about anything she wants to, from violence towards women and shady strip club situations, fallen women, eating disorders, post partum depression, riot grrrl poser movements and elitism to love, mourning, beauty/ugliness and finally being broken, in a constant falling-rising up-falling cycle (especially on later records). EA basically only writes about one subject for years. Courtney’s music may not be complicated and she might not have a perfect voice/looks/personality but she’s honest in her songs – girls and boys worldwide find themselves in her lyrics and experiences. You may not like her but that doesn’t mean her music is fake. I don’t think Emilie Autumn’s lyrics are fake either, it’s just that she’s narcissistic, mean and compulsively lying, rewriting her past every few years and only accepting endless praise – if you don’t like her, you’re her enemy. Courtney Love doesn’t care. She lets people think whatever they want to think.

As a Courtney Love fan knowing a lot about her i look at her a little different than people not liking her/not reading,listening to her. Courtney Love fans know well that sometimes you’ve got to take what Courtney says with a huge grain of salt, cause she likes to exaggerate stories to make them more interesting. (And Kurt Cobain did the very same thing. “Rock’n’roll stories” from his diaries. The whole “i was bullied cause i desperately tried to sleep with disabled girl in high school” story from Montage of Heck? That’s a madeup story he wrote in diary and later recorded on tape when he was bored. Somehow people don’t consider him “liar”.) Usually as a Courntey fan you learn to notice that border, and you can somehow “feel” where she exaggerates. Mostly i’d say when we notice those moments we all kind of get amused and laugh it off & continue to reading further. It’s not like we immediately get offended like “OMG she’s a liar i’m a fan no more”. The problem with EA is nobody believed she could ever lie, you would get hunted by fans if you dared to doubt her words. Her „history” was designed as something 100% true and real, but it turned out there’s more of fake than truth, yet she still continues to keep up her lies.

You can dislike Courtney’s nowadays lifestyle like red carpet designer dresses and all that glamour. But “creating a past and persona” or being a liar comparable to Emilie Autumn? How so? She doesn’t lie about her name - everybody knows her real name and she never pretended that Love is her birth surename. She adapted name Courtney Love in 80′s after her friend Pat Smear (from The Germs & later Nirvana) told her this would be a good artistic nickname for her. 

Courtney Love never lied about her parents or her youth. She had bad experiences with her family & certainly was raised poorly, but she didn’t try to rewrite her story or bury her parents in the “fire” (although she has good reasons to). Everybody knows about her therapist mother Linda Carrol & her father is Hank Harrison, previously manager of The Grateful Dead band. Courtney was even featured on the back cover on one of their records as a tiny child. Courtney wasn’t on good terms with mother and usually circled between her and other relatives. Her father is a complete piece of shit - he gave Courtney LSD when she was a toddler, which was why he lost a custody of her. He claims to know his daughter so well, even though he wasn’t raising her at all, and wrote a fucking book about how psychotic Courtney is, although he lost custody of her when she was a tiny toddler. And how Courtney killed Kurt. No, actually, he wrote A FUCKING BIOGRAPHY OF KURT, even though he never met him. Of course Kurt-was-murdered conspiracy fans consider him their beloved mascot because of that, asking for his opinion & believing anything he says.

Her family certainly weren’t as rich as EA’s, but they had some recognition and money. In the beginning of 80′s CL started getting some trust fund left by maternal grandparents, so she could afford going to other countries & make additional money stripping. 

Later she spent youth in different countries & boarding schools, later got arrested for shoplifting and spent time in correctional facility for teenage girls. In Dirty Blonde book she wrote about her experiences from that time, printed some papers from Hillcrest describing her behaviour. Idk, but Emilie Autumn took A HUGE inspiration from Courtney’s Dirty Blonde book. All the idea for including papers from hospital, all scrapbooking style was taken from Courtney. Even the fucking “red crayon” - guess what, Courtney’s book begins with a letter from facility written in red crayon, cause they don’t allow them to have pens.

The only thing i have doubts about are her universities. She said she studied English, philosophy & theology but I think it was only a few months/semesters. When you say someone studied this and that you immediately think the person finished studies, but in fact she was starting and dropping learning. But she never said she graduated or anything, so i think it is obvious she studied for one or two semesters or in weekends or something.

She always had an interest in rock music, although she prefered 80′s new wave and stuff like Fleetwood Mac and Echo and The Bunnymen, which she always admitted anyway. It’s not like she suddenly adapted rock music after it became profitable. She only learned how to play guitar in the very beginnings of Hole, so she probably only wanted to sing earlier. In the 80′s she spent time in Liverpool. She was hanging around with Echo and The Bunnymen band and apparently lived at Julian Cope’s house. It’s not made up, cause Cope was really jealous of her fame in 90′s. Plus i heard he wrote about her in his autobiography. Somebody wrote a book about Courtney’s time spent in Liverpool and London this year, but i don’t have it yet. But it’s not like she took all those stories from nowhere, she really spent time living with Echo & being a friend/roadie for other bands. I remember she also knew Joe Strummer, she was a friend or a roadie for The Clash. Later they also starred in Alex Cox’s movie. She was a young impressionable girl at the time, so she was learning from those bands. She had more goth/punk style at the time. 

People excuse her of leeching of whatever rockband she can & you can interpret it however you want, but seeing how she roadied with punk bands in her teens and how she liked to meet new rock bands after she got famous shows she liked to surround herself with people from rock circles. Men from rock bands hang around other men/women from other bands all the time but it’s always Courtney Love that gets shit for that.

You can doubt Courtney’s words on her inventing “kinderwhore” and starting that style trend. Although it was Courtney who coined that term. People usually yell that Courtney is unoriginal and that she stole the style from Kat Bjelland. And i say bullshit, it wasn’t even started by Kat. The girl from Divinyls did it before (CL admited she took it from her), Kim Shattuck of The Muffs did it before.

She said she liked cute dresses so much as an adult cause her mother always dressed her up rather manly– if you look at her childhood photos she indeed wasn’t looking like a „girly girl”, her mother was much into hippie culture. She got into that feminine look as she lost a lot of weight in the beginning of 90’s, so i guess that’s why she could pull off that babydoll look. Anyway here’s the interview where she explains the idea behind her style:

Courtney listened to different bands, she liked harsh noise like Big Black but she also liked Fleetwood Mac. She posted an advert she’s looking for people inspired by these particular bands, so it’s not like she was lying about her softer music side. I believe Pretty On The Inside was partly a “fuck you” to Kat Bjelland, partly she wanted to record the heaviest, most noisy record by a girl-fronted band. You could say she wasn’t honest cause she tried to impress people from that scene and be cool enough for them. Well, Courtney actually admitted later she wanted to prove her worth, impress people from that scene etc. That’s why the record is so noisy. But the lyrics aren’t fake. That kind of writing was consistent in her poems. She took those themes from her experiences, people she knew and situations she observed as a girl in a stripping business.

I don’t know how can anyone even judge if Live Through This era was fake or not, recording wise she competed with her husband and wanted a more polished record. But later in 1994 or 1995 she was a wreck, numbed with heroin after what happened. It’s really fucking hard to „fake a persona” when you’re a) mourning b) on heroin/oxy. What’s there to fake? Wearing skirts, missing Kurt or being on drugs? That’s fucking disrespectful to say that was „fake”.

Now a lot of people say she sucked after Celebrity Skin, but the truth is Celebrity Skin was probably her most real album/era soundwise. And I don’t even like this album that much. It was inspired by new wave/more poppy rock bands she loved and Courtney was actually satisfied with how it sounds. It was just a good time to her – she quit drugs, she had a successful album and tour, she was nominated for Golden Globe in 1996, she looked genuinely happy and glowing. People were mad cause she changed style – i think she changed style because of her acting career, to continue acting she probably wanted more polished look. But was it always that polished? She would hang out her tits onstage or dress as that „trash fairy” in 1999, so I’d say this glittery look was also partly ironic. And people saying she’s fake cause she chose acting career seem to forget she originally wanted to be an actress, she played in Sid and Nancy & Straight To Hell in 80’s.

People who say „oh she’s a fame whore” – well it’s not like she was ever hiding she likes/she always wanted fame. She wrote she likes fame because it’s challenging, because she gets off on it, etc.

I have mixed feelings about her designer clothes and red carpet looks and at times it seems fake to me too, cause red carpet is usually fake and embarrassing. It’s quite a contrast to her older punk & kinderwhore style. But people change with age anyway… Brody Dalle doesn’t look especially punk anymore, Kat Bjelland doesn’t wear dolly clothes. Emilie Autumn looks like a fucking christian grandma, sorry. Courtney Love likes designer clothes. *shrug*

However Courtney Love’s character and behaviour is consistent throughout the years, she talks the same as always. She doesn’t craft a new personality every few years like EA and she doesn;t erase her past like EA. She doesn’t milk her fans making overpriced shitty merch. It’s true it’s been a lot of years since she last released a CD, but she’s been releasing singles and touring A LOT during this decade, also engaging in fashion design and art. Emilie Autumn sits at home and makes stupid faces at her iPhone, produces more merch and doesn’t make/post music/play violin anymore.

The only thing I don’t like about her is how she can’t play guitar anymore. She used to know how to play guitar, you can watch any 1990-1995 show to see she knew how to play guitar. In CS era she would sing without guitar more, but she still could play. But after 2010 her abilities decreased a lot, someone leaked a sound of her live guitar and it turned out her playing became really… weak. She said after her cocaine use she lost ability to play and didn’t even know how to move her fingers, that she was learning playing all over again in rehab. Idk if something happened to her hands or if she’s just too lazy these days. It would improve if she just practiced everyday. Of course if you don’t practice you’ll get worse – i know it well cause i had a few years without playing guitar too. But it’s not like it’s impossible to improve. Other than that… yeah, i’m not really crazy about her designer clothes and event looks. I don’t like things like that. But she likes it, so why shouldn’t she go with that.

Courtney can be nice, can be mean, but she never flipped shit the same as Emilie Autumn. She likes fame but she knows where she fucks up while Emilie most of the time thinks she’s more famous than she is and is so full of herself. Courtney Love knows she’s not the greatest guitarist and singer, while Emilie thinks of herself as „virtuoso” and shades every other violinist in rock music (and violists), while in fact she is the epitome of „failed violinist”. She played music for easily impressionable fans who knew nothing about classical music, so it was easy for her to impress them with her fake violin playing with violin playback coming straight from the tape. It takes to be a high level of being a snowflake to claim you’re a virtuoso when in reality you never play live and if you do you play only scales, making beginner mistakes and being mediocre at most.  

Emilie Autumn always presented everything about herself to be true and personal, people believed her and literally praised her for that, feeling connection with her because they had bipolar disorder or stayed at psychiatric hospital, or lost family in a fire for real… And then it turned out all of Emilie Autumn’s life was a lie. She was hiding a real bitch under the guise of this cool „virtuoso” goth bipolar girl Emilie Autumn. Every year brought some new drama, she was less and less credible. She behaved awfully and treated her fandom like  shit repeatedly. I don’t know, i got interested in her at some point but i can’t stand her now & i don’t keep up with her stuff anymore (although i read on her latest blm drama), why bother yourself with someone who doesn’t respect anyone. You can dislike Courtney Love and i understand it, but I don’t see how she could be comparable to EA’s shit.

As for „idealized identities”… you realize that Courtney was on drugs most of her career? She would fuck up so much, getting ridiculed by the press and regular people. She would often embarrass herself unintentionally, she would often end up all smeared and tousled in a way that wasn’t planned as a „kinderwhore look for the evening”. Getting fat, getting horribly thin, sometimes looking nice but often looking what society perceives as ugly. People hated her and they still do. Her life was a mess at various points of her life and she was judged harshly… if that idealized version to you? People might preffer her kinderwhore days but when i look at it now, she had better days but some certain looks from early 90’s sometimes only highlighted how bad she felt at the time. Her most „ideal” version was 1996 and Celebrity Skin look, up to 2000 i’d say, she would wear nice clothes, brush her hair, add glitter, looking glam – as i said, she quit drugs in 1996 to be able to play in movies, i believe she wanted her life to change for the better, to try to be happier, to look nicer and cleaner and to set an example for her daughter. I think it’s awesome that she manager to get better, i wish i could change my life. Unfortunately in 2003 she went downhill again, this time it was in some days even worse cause she got into cocaine and something else, her album was a flop (interestingly, there was another, rockier version of American’s Sweetheart but Virgin Records told her to rerecord everything and put out worse songs), she would end up in court, she would lose the custody of Frances and had to go through drug tests and rehabs. She had ED i think, she gained a lot of weight at the time then went to stick thin. It was dragging on and you know how it went later, she was better and worse moments, still doing prescription drugs on and off, flopping with new version of Hole. I haven’t checked what she’s doing these days and kind of lost track but i think she’s so much better now and successful, she’s got fans wanting to see her live, she reunited with Hole members and she released a few solo singles that were actually fucking awesome (Courtney don’t be shy, make a new album, you actually write good songs recently). „Idealized identities”, well she’s as idealized as Amy Winehouse, lol.  

Courtney is human and makes mistakes all the time, but she doesn’t get offended when someone points them out and acknowledges her mistakes. Emilie Autumn thinks she does nothin wrong, she’s always right and if you don’t like it, fuck you, get outta her house, fucking patronizing fucking. Idk why should i explain it any longer, it’s obvious.

[ramblingguy54]

Amphibia’s Season 1 Finale: An Emotionally Charged Climax Of Brilliance

For those who haven’t watched Amphibia yet, or are only halfway through the series, I’d highly recommend not reading this post on the events of Season 1′s finale. This is an episode that should be experienced blind, rather than having it spoiled for yourself, unless you really don’t mind at all whatsoever.

No matter how many times I’ve re-watched Amphibia Season 1 on Disney+, I gotta say its finale was easily up on my list of top moments from animation back in the 2010′s. Amphibia starts off with some pretty simple straightforward slice of life stuff throwing in a nice mix of drama and comedy. Although, as the series has progressed, Amphibia’s storytelling makes it clear we’re in for a bigger shift with dramatic writing once Season 2 rolls around in the future. This last episode of Season 1, Reunion, gives me the impression it could very likely be transitioning into heavier stuff, like Gravity Falls did, when it’s second outing steps up to the plate eventually. Season 1′s finale has seriously impressed me with what it managed to accomplish in its themes that were set up as early as its first episode. We finally get more insight into what Anne’s daily routine with Sasha must’ve been like before she was suddenly dropped into this crazy lovable world of anthropomorphic frogs. What I really appreciate about this backstory is it reels us in just enough with seeing Anne and Sasha’s chemistry. It doesn’t do a big exposition dump about what good friends they are, rather Amphibia just simply shows us first hand. From the get go it’s made crystal clear that Anne and Sasha are very close, seeing how Sasha stands up for Anne when someone tries to steal her food on a special day no less.

Or else you can forget about coming to my awesome house party next week.

Happy Birthday, girl!

Like, extremely close given how happy these two are to see each other. Anne & Sasha’s interaction here is safe to say they go way back before their current school year. Almost as if, they’ve known each other since they were younger.

“Sasha’s been my friend since Kindergarten. If she says it’s fine. It’s fine.”

Anne’s piece of dialogue here makes it evident how much she cares/trusts about Sasha as an individual. Even enough to allow her in doing morally questionable stuff highlighted with this brief montage spotlighting Anne’s passive behavior towards Sasha’s dangerously impulsive attitude. Time and time again Anne willingly goes along with Sasha’s mentality of, “Do whatever we want.”,  because in her eyes that’s what being best friends is all about. Giving the other what they want regardless of the moral implications around whatever their actions are. Not to mention, when you take that into account that Anne has been around Sasha since preschool, it’s equivalent to putting your foot down on a family member. Anne doesn’t want to hurt Sasha, considering she’s like the sister Anne never had, being an only child and all. That further establishes emotional weight for something Anne fears to lose out on, which Sasha takes advantage of greatly.

Anne, this isn’t cute anymore. We’re meeting up with Marcy right now! End of discussion...

“Heh! She’s persuasive, right?”

Look, if a friend likes a pencil case, you get it for them. If your friend likes your new shoes, you give them to her. And if her friend wants you to steal a crazy music box from a thrift store, even if you really don’t want to, you do it okay? Because if you don’t, they might not want to be your friend anymore...

Sasha’s serious verbal abuse has made Anne completely twist around the very concept of what a healthy friendship basically is, overall. For whatever the reason at some point, be it the very school environment they both grew up in or personal family issues, Sasha has become an extremely toxic influence on Anne’s important decision making and it painfully shows here in her self-esteem. This kid has made it second nature for herself to never be honest when a friend is doing something that she internally deems highly questionable in moral terms, since she’s so afraid of permanently losing those who claim to care about her own well being. Anne believes it to be a “golden rule” that if you’re openly honest with your close friends, it will only lead to failure in a nutshell. This is honestly one of the strongest elements of Amphibia’s storytelling on how it explores the human condition of real friendship. It’s not sunshine and rainbows, but an honest reflection of who you are as a person. Those you choose to let into your life for better influencing yourself, also reveal your true nature as an individual. These particular lines from the episode, Flood, Sweat, and Tears, sets the mood into motion that vital theme its story centers itself around.

Sharing a room doesn’t make you best friends. Being honest with each other does! 

In fact, if you ask me, you’re better friends now than you were before.

Seeing how greatly Amphibia explored this statement means a lot to me, since I myself have struggled with passive aggressive behavior plenty with my own friends. There were social experiences I went through in my childhood that made me bottle up how I genuinely feel a lot, so being honest with my own circle of close friends was a serious challenge for me. While I have come a long way in the improvements of being more honest with my pals whenever something is bothering me, it’s still a never ending struggle I deal with on a daily basis, considering it’s much like second nature to me. This significant moment hit all the right chords for me in showing that beauty of human connections, by taking the good and bad people can experience in dealing with their own differences.  Anne’s journey to better understand what real friends are and stand up for herself is a very empowering one to see occur, as she continues to come out of her shell, while putting her foot down when more immoral shit starts to hit the fan. Another giant step forward for her own independence comes to light in the tenth episode, Toad Tax, when Anne wanted nothing more than to be respected by the towns folk, instead of being openly called a monster and getting severely alienated for it, too. Which, again, it really shows just how much Sasha’s manipulation has had a grip on Anne, given she first thought that by joining the Toad force that she’d garner their respect. However, that idea was nothing more than a deeply shallow belief, which would’ve made the town more afraid of her rather than love and accept her. 

All I wanted was this town’s respect, but just because these people treated me crumby, doesn’t mean I’m gonna do the same to them. I’m done with this. I don’t care if they’ve broken the law, you can’t treat people like this!

In a very jarring contrast to Anne, Sasha is a more two faced individual with her own motive for getting herself, Anne, and Marcy back home by any means necessary. To put it bluntly and harshly, Sasha is a real bitch hilariously to the point where she is the sole reason why Grimes minions become more competent, due to throwing out fake compliments to help their lack of motivation, since his intensity as their ruthless leader was backfiring greatly. It’s priceless to see a villain’s cold blooded behavior ironically be a big detriment to their rule of power, as other works of fiction have shown it to a “positive” influence on their minions, where a teenage cheerleader blonde archetype has to patch things up.

You lot are without a doubt the most useless group of toads I have ever seen!

Just try saying nice things for a change. Get them to love you and they’ll do anything for you.

That actually works?

Ooooh, it works alright. Trust me.

Sasha’s already cold and calculating manipulation is influenced in return by Grimes heartless nature. Sasha & Grimes combined make for a deadly combination for one Hell of antagonistic duo, but that’s not to say this series doesn’t add layers to this complicated girl. While she is a very toxic verbally abusive person, Sasha isn’t without her own humanity either. Besides lying about being the only human in the world of Amphibia, Sasha genuinely is concerned about reuniting with each of her friends and not just for keeping them underneath her thumb in a controlling fashion. The voice acting here from Sasha’s VA really helps elevate that idea there’s more to her than how she acts.

Hold on for a little longer girls. I’m coming for you and when I find you we’re gonna get home, but first I think we’re gonna have some fun with this place.

By the time Anne and Sasha reunite by the finale, both have changed. Anne for the better and Sasha for much worse. Anne has become more selfless and free to make her own choices that she feels morally comfortable with doing, while Sasha is out to kill Hop Pop, due to his vital actions in earlier episodes, for encouraging more Frogs to rebel against the Toad’s rule of power through fear and violence. Sasha doesn’t view Hop Pop as as an equal living thing, but another obstacle that’s keeping herself, Anne, and Marcy from their one way ticket home. She strongly believes that killing Hop Pop, to keep the other Frogs back in line from having a voice of their own, will allow them a better chance to get back home with help from Grimes. Sasha knows to an extent the terrible thing she’s trying to help Grimes commit, however she still only views Hop Pop as not an equivalent human being, but an already figurative dead frog for them to dissect in their biology class. 

So you’ve probably already noticed the Toads in this valley have one job. To rule over the Frogs. And lately those Frogs have been stepping out of line.

Sasha is a serious fucking jerk, but a well intent extremist on wanting to get everyone back home, who doesn’t fully grasp the full context of what horrible atrocities she’s helping Grimes commit through doing this attempted murder.

Anne, what are you doing? Are you really gonna risk your life for these...talking frogs? We don’t even belong here. Don’t you wanna get back home? See your family?

Yeah, but...

Then put your sword down, now!

END OF DISCUSSION...

There we go, that’s my girl.

There that wasn’t so hard was i-

WHAT THE HECK!?

For someone who’s Anne’s best friend, you sure don’t know her very well! She brave, she’s smart, and most of all she’s not gonna be pushed around by a bully like you!

I think I’ve had enough of you, squeaky toy.

Anne, what are you doing!?

Something I should’ve done a long time ago. Standing up to you!

Thanks for believing in me, Sprig.

Can I just say that I love how they don’t try to pin blame on Anne for being consistently manipulated by Sasha? While Anne most certainly needs to stand up and not allow Sasha to abuse her like this anymore, Sasha is the sole person responsible for making Anne feel so insecure, who needed to be put in her place. It was very important for them to make that clear who is at fault here in this situation more than anyone and Sprig was perfect for telling off Anne’s abusive friend. Can’t begin to describe how cathartic it was for seeing that bitch get hit in the face for trying to once again pull on Anne’s emotional baggage. That highly noteworthy moment aside, there is a really interesting exchange between Sasha and Grimes showing how warped Sasha’s definition of friendship has become over the years she’s grown up with Anne in school.

You’ve given me plenty of advice, now let me give you some. Stamp this out. Make her yield. Fail and nothing will ever be the same.

Not gonna happen...

So, taking into account everything that I’ve covered at this point, this makes for a wonderful climatic finale to a slow burn where previous episodes have emotionally prepared Anne for facing down the very person who’s been hurting her most of all. One of her closest friends, who’s been like a symbolic sister in the past to Anne, but has turned into this very hurtful person with a seriously warped idea of an “affectionate” friendship based on similar ideas of control as seen with Grimes. While Amphibia has plenty of comedic shenanigans in its storytelling, there’s always been this dramatic undertone centered around Anne and Sasha’s views of what relationships are all about for what each one has based their ideals on. This Disney series is centered around gaining new bonds, while looking at old ones in a much different perspective, as seen with Anne and Sasha’s falling out.

Anne, you don’t have to do this.

Yes I do...

Anne vs Sasha is an important key moment that the finale nails on every possible level, given each side here has something lose, if the other one wins this duel. These are old friends, or rather family in a sense, standing up for what they think is the right moral thing to do and you can feel this high stakes tension every second as its building up to their swords finally clashing again against one another. Reminds me a lot of the Star Wars battles where it’s not necessarily remembered so much for the fights themselves, but the emotional weight that is carried in every moment which is happening between its characters and I applaud Amphibia for taking inspiration in utilizing that trope of writing.

Much like how DuckTales (2017) handled its amazing Season 1 finale, Amphibia’s writers know the most crucial element to focus more than anything are the characters themselves and what they’re feeling, rather than making it a big flashy battle of epic proportions. Granted, that’s a nice icing on the cake and all, but the real meat should always be in how you’re executing the important themes you’ve introduced from the start. In Amphibia’s case, it’s the tragedy of friendship turning into something nasty with Sasha treating Anne poorly and breaking apart their once stable lives, due to that very nature which dropped them into this world where they have to now fend for themselves.

There’s so much powerful heartbreak emitting from this one pic here and hoo boi we haven’t even gotten to best part, yet. It’s delightfully angsty and shocked the Hell outta me when first watching this episode. Fuck, it still does quite frankly knowing the people behind this show had the guts to go that far dramatically.

They’re just slimy little frogs, Anne.

They don’t matter!

They’re not just Frogs. They’re my friends!

After Anne finally beats Sasha the entire castle starts exploding, due to Wally misinterpreting her on not blowing up Grimes base. Here’s where the most heart wrenching scene comes in as the cherry on top of this intense finale to Amphibia’s first season. As the castle is falling to pieces, Sasha almost falls to her death but Anne catches her in time, despite just fighting her tooth and nail seconds ago to save the family she was trying to kill for her selfish reasons. There’s a crap ton of symbolism here in this poignant moment of characterization for Anne & Sasha’s current state of friendship now. All of this is topped off by the music piece, Lean On Me, being poetically woven into it.

The Plantar family is doing everything in their power to hold Anne up equivalent to how they’ve made her into a better individual than she ever was around Sasha. While Sasha is putting all of them in danger as a figurative ball and chain that, besides holding them back from staying alive, is also keeping Anne from becoming the best version of herself she can be. In these last moments, I’d like to believe Sasha finally put it together in her mind just how much she’s royally screwed everything up. Not just what she attempted to do with Hop Pop and most likely the rest of his family, but how seriously disrespectful she was to Anne for who knows how many years of their friendship when Sasha started abusing her. Sasha was most likely feeling a ton of self-loathing and terrible guilt before making this shocking pivotal decision next in saving Anne and the Plantars’.

Hey Anne...

Maybe you’re better off without me...

Like, on one hand it can be simply viewed as Sasha simply saving these people from dying, too. However, I’d prefer to make it darker for the sake of heavy angst and say she was committing suicide, as well. Sasha realized in these last moments, before thinking that she was going to die a painful death, how shitty she was to Anne. Sasha’s abusive behavior is what started this whole story in the first place. If it wasn’t for Sasha, none of them would of ended up in the world Amphibia to begin with, but it needed to happen for Anne to become better about who her real friends are and maybe this rough experience would even help Sasha, too. We’ll just have to see what awaits for Sasha’s character arc in Season 2′s future. As it stands now, Anne may have a lost a dear friend, who was basically like a sister to her years back, but gained something even better.

A family and terrific friends who care deeply for her.

Hop Pop, you three are my family. I’d never let anyone hurt you.

Thanks for taking the time read this very lengthy post of me gushing about this powerfully bittersweet finale. Can’t wait for Season 2!

[the-desolated-quill]

Quill’s Swill - The Worst Of 2019

Congratulations! You’ve made it through another year! You’ve faced many obstacles and overcome many adversaries to arrive here, at the dawn of a new decade. So as we prepare to leave the 2010s and make our way into the 2020s, lets take a look back at the challenges and hardships of 2019. And by challenges and hardships, I of course mean shitty fiction and media.

Yes, it’s time for yet another edition of Quill’s Swill, where we mark the absolute worst stories that the industry had to offer over the past year and proceed to tear them to shreds. Think of it as like voiding your bowels before the New Year.

As always remember that this is my personal, subjective opinion. If you happen to like any of the things on this list, that’s fine. More power to you. Go make your own list. Also bear in mind I haven’t seen everything 2019 has to offer due to various other commitments. So as much as I really, really want to, I can’t put Avengers Endgame on here. I know what happens. It sounds fucking terrible, but I haven’t seen the film, so it wouldn’t be fair of me to put it on the list, even though it would most definitely deserve it.

...

Seriously, read the synopsis of Endgame on Wikipedia some time. It’s like fanfic written by a nine year old. It’s truly shocking. And now it’s the highest grossing movie of all time? Give me strength.

All In A Row

Don’t you just hate it when you’re expected to parent your autistic child? Like actually show love and care and consideration to your offspring. Look at him, expecting you to treat him like a human being. Selfish bastard! If only there was a play that explored the horrors of having to be a decent person to your own flesh and blood and how objectively awful it is. If you’re one of those people, then the play All In A Row will be right up your street.

Premiering on the 14th February at Southwark Playhouse in London, All In A Row was a total shitshow to say the least. The playwright, Alex Oates, claimed to have ten years of experience working with autistic children, which you wouldn’t have believed if you saw the play as the autistic child at the centre of the play, Lawrence, seemed more like a wild animal than a person. In fact two of the main characters compare him to a dog. And if you thought this wasn’t dehumanising enough, Lawrence isn’t even a child. He’s a puppet. Yes, it’s as bad as it sounds.

All In A Row seems to place all of the blame for the family’s predicament on the autistic child, who’s presented as barely functional, bordering on bestial. There’s no effort to really make an emotional connection with Lawrence (how can you? He’s a puppet!) as the play instead focuses on how this kid has effectively ruined this family’s life because of his autism and aggressive behaviour. Speaking as someone on the autism spectrum, I can say quite confidently that this play is fucking despicable. Badly written, badly conceived, insulting and downright mean spirited. I wouldn’t want Oates looking after my autistic children, that’s for damn sure.

Anthem

EA is back and this time they’re dragging the critical darling that is BioWare down with them.

Anthem was a desperate attempt to jump aboard the ‘live service’ bandwagon, trying to replicate the success of other video games like Overwatch, Destiny and Warframe. They failed spectacularly. The game itself had more bugs than A Bug’s Life, loot drops were often stingy and unrewarding, loading times were farcically long, and the story and worldbuilding was fucking pitiful. Oh yeah, and if you played it on PS4, there was a good chance it could permanently damage it. Thankfully I have a uni friend with an Xbox One and they allowed me to play the game on that. It was a crushing disappointment, especially coming fresh off the heels of Mass Effect Andromeda, which didn’t exactly set the world on fire back in 2017.

It didn’t help that EA’s reputation was in tatters thanks to the lootbox controversy of Star Wars Battlefront II and having to try and win back the trust of fans, but worse still reports began to service of what went on behind the scenes at BioWare during the game’s development. Apparently the game’s story and mechanics kept changing every other day as the creative directors and writers didn’t have the faintest idea what kind of game they wanted to make, and the developers were often forced to work obscenely long work hours in abusive crunch periods to get the game finished for launch. It got so bad that, according to an article on Kotaku, some members of the team had to leave for weeks or even months at a time to recover from ‘stress casualties.’ 

To think this was the same company that gave us Mass Effect, Dragon Age and Knights Of The Old Republic. Thank God that Obsidian Entertainment is there to pick up the slack on the RPG front because I think it’s safe to assume that BioWare won’t be around for much longer at this rate.

The Lion King (2019 remake)

Here we go. Yet another live action remake of a Disney classic. Excpet it’s not live action, is it? Well... it’s live action in the sense that Dinosaur was live action (remember that film? Don’t worry if you don’t. No one does). Real locations but CGI characters. Millions of dollars spent on cutting edge tech to create photo realistic animals... and the film ends up duller than a bowl of porridge that really likes trainspotting.

It’s not just the fact that The Lion King remake is yet another soulless cash grab from the House of Mouse, it’s also the fact that it’s done really badly that upsets me. The Lion King works as an animated film. Bright colourful images, over the top song and dance sequences and vibrant character designs. As a ‘live action’ film, it just looks awkward and stilted. None of the animals are very expressive, leaving it up to the poor voice actors to carry the film, and to cap it all off the CGI isn’t even all that convincing in my opinion. At no point did I look at Simba and go ‘oh yeah, he looks like a real lion.’ It’s so obviously fake. In fact it reminds me of those early 00s movies like Cats & Dogs or Stuart Little where you see the jaws of the talking animals moving up and down like some messed up ventriloquist act or something. And here’s me thinking cinema has evolved past this.

BBC’s The War Of The Worlds

Remember Peter Harness? That guy who wrote that Doctor Who episode about the moon being an egg? Yeah, he’s back and he’s doing an adaptation of H.G. Wells’ War Of The Worlds. And guess what! It’s fucking ghastly! :D

The three part BBC mini-series was without a doubt some of the worst telly I think I’ve ever seen. It’s staggering how clueless Harness is as a writer. For starters he managed to achieve the impossible and somehow made a Martian invasion of Earth boring. I didn’t even think it was possible, but somehow he pulled it off. Then he sucks all tension out of the story by revealing the ultimate fate of the Martians at the beginning of the second episode, so now any threat or danger has been chucked out of the window because we know that the main female protagonist Amy at least would survive. And then finally he takes a massive dump over the source material by having humanity weaponise typhoid to kill the red weed rather than just having the Martians die of the common cold like in the book. Because God forbid us Brits should be presented as anything other than heroic and dignified.

So what we’re left with is a poorly realised allegory with ineffectual horror tropes full of OTT progressive posturing in a pathetic attempt to make Harness and the BBC look more liberal than they actually are. There’s no effort to really explore the themes of imperialism and colonialism outside of casual lip service, and we barely get a glimpse of the dark side of humanity. Everyone is presented as flawed, but basically awesome or, in the case of Rafe Spall’s character, utterly gormless. Our TV license fees help fund this shit, you know?!

And if you think this was bad, just wait till New Year’s Day where we’ll get to see Steven Moffat and Mark Gatiss’ butcher Dracula. Can we stop giving these beloved literary icons to these hacks please?

Glass

I liked Split. It wasn’t an amazing movie, but it was entertaining with some good ideas, a great performance from James McAvoy and was a true return to form for M Night Shyamalan. That being said, I wasn’t keen on the idea of it taking place in the same universe as Unbreakable. I feared it would be a step too far and we’d end up having something like... well, something like Glass.

On paper, Glass isn’t a bad idea. The idea of superpowers being a delusion is legitimately intriguing and could have been a great post-modern deconstruction of the superhero genre. Except Shyamalan never actually does anything with it. The first act drags on and on with absolutely nothing happening, none of the characters really grow or change over the course of the film, Bruce Willis in particular is basically only here for an extended cameo as his character does pretty much nothing for the majority of the film, and then the entire film is undermined by that stupid Shyamalan twist. Turns out superhumans are real and there’s a big cover up. Oh great! So not only does it render the entire film pointless, it also undoes what made Unbreakable and Split so good. They’re no longer people capable of extraordinary feats via rational means. They’re just superhuman. They can do anything. Sigh.

Shyamalan... maybe it’s time to give up the director’s chair, yeah?

Cats

Oh come on! Don’t act surprised! Did you honestly think I wouldn’t put Cats on this list?!

Cats, without a doubt, is the worst film of the decade and, yes, the CGI is terrible. Not only are there these sub-human cat mutants running around, we also have mice and cockroaches with child faces, James Corden coughing up furballs, Taylor Swift trying to give the furries in the audience boners, Idris Elba looking disturbingly underdressed and Rebel Wilson being... well... Rebel Wilson. It’s a disaster of a film. And really, should we even be surprised? We all knew this was going to suck. And no it’s not because of the CGI. I thought the CGI in Pokemon: Detective Pikachu was creepy as well, but at least it had a decent script and good performances to back it up. No the reason why Cats sucked is because... it’s Cats. It’s always been that bad. No amount of ‘advanced fur technology’ was going to change that. It was still going to be a confused, plotless mess with one dimensional characters and bad songs.

The only consolation I had was that I didn’t waste money buying a ticket. A friend of mine snuck me into the premiere and we watched it in the projector room. The plan was to make fun of it and have a laugh, but we didn’t even do that because honestly there’s nothing to really make fun. There’s only so many times you can take the piss out of the CGI and honestly the film was just boring more than anything else. It doesn’t even have the distinction of being so bad it’s good like Sharknado or Tommy Wiseau’s The Room. It’s just bad, period.

I just hope we don’t see something similar happen to Starlight Express. Just think. Anthropomorphic, singing trains on roller skates. Shudder.

Star Wars: The Rise Of Skywalker

Finally we have yet another cynical cash grab from Disney.

I confess I didn’t exactly go into The Rise Of Skywalker with an open mind. I was never all that keen on a sequel trilogy in the first place, and neither The Force Awakens nor The Last Jedi ever convinced me otherwise. Admittedly they weren’t bad movies. Just derivative and painfully uninspired, and I was expecting more of the same for Episode IX. What I got instead was quite possibly the worst Star Wars film since Attack Of The Clones. Yes, it’s that bad.

This film is very poorly made, filled with plot contrivances and logic holes galore. I lost count of the number of times the protagonists got into a dangerous situation because of Rey constantly wandering off like a confused toddler lost in a shopping mall. Oh and we finally find out who her parents were and it was quite a twist, but only because it was really stupid. Of course we didn’t see it coming because nobody would have guessed it would be something that moronic. I feel JJ Abrams’ stupid ‘mystery box’ philosophy is to blame for this. It’s derailed countless franchises before such as Lost and Cloverfield, and now Abrams has fucked up Star Wars because he’s obsessed with mystery for the sake of mystery and Disney are so lazy that they couldn’t be bothered to plan an actual trilogy out properly beforehand. Instead they just wing it, making it up as they go along, which led to Rian Johnson ‘subverting our expectations’ and left Abrams desperately trying to pick up the pieces. 

In fact a lot of The Rise Of Skywalker seemed designed specifically to appease people of both sides of the wide chasm The Last Jedi had created. The roles of characters of colour like Finn and Rose were significantly reduced, Poe and Finn don’t end up together because of homophobia, but we do see two women kiss in the background of one two second shot that could easily be cut out when they release the film in China, Kylo Ren gets his stupid redemption even though he hasn’t fucking earned it, Lando Calrissian shows up for no fucking reason, Rey is given ‘flaws’ relating to her parentage in order to combat those accusing her of being a Mary Sue, but they’re the boring kind of flaws that don’t have any real impact on her character, and that ghastly ship Reylo is made canon even though it makes no sodding sense in the context of this movie, let alone the whole trilogy. They even go to the trouble of baiting us with a FinnRey romance before pulling the rug out from under us. Then, just to add insult to injury, the film retroactively ends up making the entire original trilogy completely pointless. All because Disney wanted more dollars to put in their Scrooge McDuck money bin.

The Rise Of Skywalker, and indeed the entire sequel trilogy, should serve as a cautionary tale against the dangers of hype and nostalgia. The reason The Force Awakens was successful wasn’t because it was a good movie (because lets be brutally honest here, it really fucking wasn’t). It was because it gave gullible Star Wars fans warm fuzzies because it reminded them of A New Hope whilst tempting them with the vague promise that things might get more interesting later on. And when that didn’t materialise, quelle surprise, the fanbase didn’t take it very well. I would love to think that this will serve as an important lesson for the future when people go and see Disney movies, but who am I kidding? I guarantee at some point we’re going to get Episodes X, XI and XII and we’ll have to go through this sorry process all over again.

So there we have it. The worst of 2019. May they rot forever in Satan’s rectum or wherever it is stories go to die. Tomorrow we’ll take a look at the other end of the spectrum. Yes it’s the Quill Seal Of Approval Awards! The best of the best! Who shall win? The suspense is killing me! Ooooh, I can’t wait! You’ll be there tomorrow, won’t you? Of course you will. How could you not?

[transfemininomenon]

Hey, i'm actually a "truscum" i found out recently, but im a little confused on the whole ordeal. Im not even sure if i actually am truscum or not- because some posts seem to tie up with me being one but others dont, but i saw you were really against them, so i wanted to ask if you're okay with a friendly calm conversation about it? I am very confused and i just want to learn a bit more or find out if i'm wrong about the whole ordeal. Are you open to it?

i'll be honest im not sure how friendly i can be with this kind of conversation because i really truly genuinely, and i don't use this word lightly, Hate truscum and its hard for me to really be civil about the discussion. but for the sake of this and me giving you a lot of benefit of the doubt that this ask is in good faith i'll explain why i do not like the entire truscum ideology

1. i guess i'll start off with the Big One - the claim that dysphoria is Required to be trans. i'll preface this by saying that i am someone who has experienced, and currently Experiences in wildly different degrees depending on what is happening in my life, dysphoria throughout my entire life. i had my entire teenage and young adult years stolen from me by it. i won't get into details about it because that is a Very Very Personal subject for me, but needless to say dysphoria is something that was a very prevalent part of my life.

anyway. the notion that dysphoria is a Trans Requirement™ is something that i hugely disagree with. i used to think that me figuring out i was a trans woman was because i experienced dysphoria, but frankly the opposite is true. dysphoria is what made me refuse to believe i was a woman or could ever be one. it made me believe i was a man and that was all i would ever be. it wasn't until i really started experimenting with my gender and unpacking a lot of stuff i felt about myself that i started to finally realize the woman i was. i first started trying our she/her pronouns nearing four years now, and started using the name Alice a few months after that. being referred to as a woman & experimenting with different feminine things gave me such incredible feelings of euphoria that i still experience to this day whenever i discover something new about my identity.

and that is something ive heard from SO many other trans people i know. or different things too - i know people who are completely fine with their bodies, just certain words and terms never felt Right to them. because the thing with dysphoria is that it, like all things gender related, is a product of society. dysphoria only exists because transphobia exists - people are told that there are these two rigid things that you are and HERE is what makes you one of those things, and those things are drilled into you literally since birth. everything from colors to jobs to hobbies to cars to entertainment to clothing to Literally Everything is gendered, and when that happens then of fucking course there are gonna be people who don't fall in line with that, and when it's so instilled into people and seen as such societal norms of COURSE people are going to have trouble with that.

and that's not even getting into the subject of gender on a biological level. the fact of the matter is that the two sex system Isn't True and that biological sex is very complicated. intersex people exist, people with all kinds of different chromosomes exist, people of certain body types that have higher levels of different hormones exist, SO much goes into that subject that frankly narrowing it down to two things just doesn't Work

and that's the real problem at the end of the day. dysphoria only exists because of a fucked up gender binary that clashes with both biology and sociology. people are complicated on both a biological and personal level and having set binaries for things is bound to cause confusion & doubt.

like, people's identities are SUCH personal things in so many different ways. there isn't any Right Way™ to be trans. i know trans women with beards, trans women who have no interest in starting hrt, trans men who wear dresses and makeup, non-binary people who make no effort to be androgynous, i know SO many different identities and different people. because the fact is that there's no right way to be trans because nothing is inherently gendered including people's very bodies. people are themselves and there is no Right way to be themselves.

that's on top of the lack of education when it comes to the subject of gender. such a huge part too of me figuring out i was trans was literally learning that it was even a fucking option. i genuinely didn't know just Being A Girl was an option. reading up on gender stuff and researching the different idea of transitioning was intrinsic in my figuring out who i was because oh shit turns out there are people like me and that is Okay.

like, dysphoria literally could've been a non-issue for me. i could've lived in a world where i could just Exist and enjoy whatever i wanted without it being weird. i could've decided so much sooner that i wasn't happy with the way my body was growing and not spent my entire teen years being so confused why i was so sad seeing my girl peers. i could have from the start just gotten to be a girl and never have had dysphoria be part of the equation.

im not trans being i experience dysphoria. im trans because being a woman is rad as hell and it's what i wanted. im trans because changing my name to Alice was the biggest moment of my entire life. im trans because rebelling against the societal restraints of gender is fucking metal. im trans because my friends can't even remember me ever not being me now. im trans because im a great older sister. im trans because god nerfed me and i said nah thanks man but im not feeling it.

my identity and my gender are very personal and complicated things, and narrowing it down to "i experience dysphoria" is frankly insulting to me.

anyway, that's the big point out of the way, so here's some shorter ones

2. this is kinda expanding on the last point, but truscum both insisting non-binary people aren't a thing and them insisting "transtrenders" exist is hmm Bad

the sheer fact of the matter is the concept of being non-binary has existed from the oldest known records of human history on TOP of that concept being prevalent in many different cultures so what do ya know there's a healthy dose of racism involved in the denial of non-binary people. the gender binary is such a western concept and there are SO many different cultures where different gender identities exist.

and, frankly, going back to the above point that gender is fucking Fake and is a societal concept - again, of fucking course there are going to be people who see a rigid set of rules on gender and are like "well wait that doesn't fit me" so of COURSE non-binary people exist

on the subject of "transtrenders" i feel like i shouldn't even HAVE to get into this subject because of how inherently transphobic it is. the concept doesn't exist. there are people who experiment with their gender and then decide their assigned one is fine. there are people who go through all kinds of different identities. there are people who come out as a different gender and then revert back due to backlash. there are people who get told the way they present their gender is the Wrong Way™ and get branded a trender. it's a dangerous thought process that literally does nothing but serve the cis status quo and make people afraid to experiment and think about their identities.

3. the idea that Those Evil Trenders™ are stealing resources from the Real Trans People™ is, frankly, fucking bullshit. issues when it comes to trans people finding difficulty accessing healthcare comes from a transphobic society hellbent on denying us care on top of fucked up healthcare systems in general. hormones aren't some limited quality hard to acquire thing - when i started hrt transferring my prescription from my clinic to my local pharmacy was a non-issue because it's something basically any pharmacy will have for ALL kinds of different purposes. it's an issue because healthcare in general is a god damn Mess on TOP of inherent transphobia

and, frankly, truscum are directly involved in that transphobia in the medical field. unless you find an informed consent clinic you're going to have to jump through all kinds of hoops to prove you're Actually Trans™ by getting referrals from other (almost always cis) people and then get put on ridiculous waitlists to make sure you're not about to change your mind. that kind of attitude is only encouraged by truscum and it is one of the biggest source of trans people having such difficulty accessing healthcare.

4. truscum as far as im concerned are no different than any other transphobe. two years ago before i started hrt i was harassed by truscum multiple times, each time having them tell me i wasn't trans, that i was just a trender, and it genuinely boggles my mind that anyone thinks misgendering me because i disagreed with their ideology is Woke, actually. I've seen so many fellow trans women getting called men by truscum who disagreed with them. i was actively told i shouldn't start hrt because i "wasn't really trans and was gonna ruin my life"

i really hope all of people live in anger every day knowing ive been on hrt over a year and a half and am fucking Thriving

anyway that's all i got to say on the matter i realize my points became less thought out as it went on but frankly the first point is enough for me to not like truscum

(please refrain from reblogging this i don't want any clowns in my inbox)

[coolgreatwebsite]

Cool Games I Finished In 2019 (In No Real Order)

We’re here. The end of the decade. 2019 was a weird, turbulent year for me. Despite my cross-country move already being a year behind me somehow, nothing’s really settled yet. Living situation is still weird, still separated from most of my belongings, I left my full-time QA job for a contractor position at a mobile game advertising company that may or may not convert into a full-time position... everything about what’s going on with me still just feels like I’m completely winging it, and while that’s not a position I’m really comfortable being in for such an extended amount of time, everything seems to be working out okay enough despite it. All this is probably why I spent most of my time playing the shit out of a handful of games rather than playing a bunch of different games this year! Needed some sort of stability. Also when I did manage to pull myself away from the timesink games and play something else, a lot of them ranged from “okay” to “real bad”. But I still managed to play just enough stuff that I liked to where I can put out yet another one of these.  Here’s a bunch of cool games I experienced for the first time in 2019.

Phantasy Star Online: Blue Burst (PC, 2005)

I haven’t bothered to do two thirds of the story quests yet and have barely touched any Episode 4 content so this game technically doesn’t count for this list, but if I left it off I would be neglecting to mention an extremely large portion of my video game playing time this year. I fell back into PSO preeeettty hard this year after the surprise announcement of Phantasy Star Online 2 finally coming to the US. Guess what: game still rules. It feels stiff to play and it’s obviously far less expansive than it seemed back in 2000, but the core of Phantasy Star Online is still as fun as it ever was and the aesthetics are still entirely my shit. I love everything about the way this game looks and sounds, I love stumbling on a weird new weapon, I love participating in the custom seasonal events the server I’m on runs, and I love how oddly relaxing the experience of playing this game and taking it all in is. I will probably continue to play Phantasy Star Online into 2020. I will probably still dip back into it after PSO2 US servers finally launch. If I know you and you want to join my Discord server for PSO get at me. PSO forever.

Cookie’s Bustle (PC, 1999)

You ever play a game that just speaks to you? Even through a language barrier? A game so incredibly out there and bizarre in the exact way you love that you can’t help but adore it despite barely understanding it? Holy moly did I ever find that game. I learned about Cookie’s Bustle through a news story last year about some rare games leaking from a Japanese collector’s stash. Didn’t manage to get it to run back then, but my off and on attempts to get it working finally paid off in March of this year and I’m so glad I kept trying. I knew nothing of this game other than it had a weird name and was about a bear doing sports, and it turned out to be a fully voice-acted and mostly unsubtitled adventure game starring Cookie Blair, a 5 year old girl from New Jersey who sees herself as a teddy bear and has traveled to Bombo World, an island nation once visited by aliens and currently in the middle of a civil war, to participate in the Bombo Sports Tournament. Dead level, I probably shouldn’t have been able to genuinely love Cookie’s Bustle as much as I did. The only context I had for what was happening and what I was supposed to do was provided by a 20-year-old Google translated walkthrough with broken images, the game’s slightly higher than usual reliance on English loan words, and 30-ish years of video games and anime allowing me to halfway pick up on a handful of Japanese words. However, Cookie’s Bustle is dripping with an undeniable and off-beat charm that genuinely transcends language. Even if you can’t understand the words and specifics, you can understand the basic plot, characterizations, and emotions they’re going for. Cookie’s Bustle manages to both be completely off-the-wall bizarre and feel totally genuine and heartfelt at the same time, a balance very few games manage to successfully hit but many of my favorites do. One could say that’s why it seems to have resonated with a decent amount of other people this year, too. Games rarely make me feel sad that they’re over. but when they do that’s how I know they’re one of the good ones. Seriously, go look up a longplay or stream of Cookie’s Bustle if you (understandably) don’t want to go through the hassle of setting it up and figuring out how to play it, it’s impossible not to love.

Devil May Cry 5 (PlayStation 4, 2019)

Here’s something crazy to think about: Devil May Cry 4 came out 11 years ago. Aside from being a potent reminder that time is moving too fast and we’re all going to die soon, that means that there hasn’t been a DMC for over a decade. Devil May Cry 5 does not bare this fact even a little bit. Not only did they pick up right where they left off and manage to make another Devil May Cry game without missing a beat, they made arguably the best Devil May Cry game. I mean I still like the story and single-character focus of DMC3 the best, but DMC5 is the best playing game in the series without a doubt. Nero finally feels like he has a complete and complex toolset, Dante is the most mechanically dense and fun to play he’s ever been, and they even added a new guy that’s... neat to play as, until you start trying to S-rank the harder difficulties. Then he’s kind of annoying to play as. But it’s still cool that they tried something totally different and mostly got it to work! They also did something very stupid that I love and used this game as an excuse to make literally every single piece of Devil May Cry media canon. Like, characters exclusively from the anime and the books show up and act like they’re someone you already know and love? And they go out of their way to explain the most esoteric lore shit possible?? And despite it all they still intentionally give DMC2 as short a shrift as they can??? It’s so dumb, it rules. It’s just one of the many things about the game that show that even with so long of a gap between entries, no love for the series was lost by the people that make it. I don’t think the suits at Capcom expected this game to hit as hard as it did though, because despite there being clear areas where the game could be expanded on with DLC there still hasn’t been anything announced. I hope they’re maybe saving it for some sort of DMC3-esque special edition, or maybe just already working on DMC6, because even after getting all S-ranks I still wanted to play more. The game’s just that damn good.

Hypnospace Outlaw (PC, 2019)

I expected very little from Hypnospace Outlaw. I backed the game on Kickstarter solely because it looked cool and I thought a game about fake GeoCities was neat, and then I immediately forgot about it until it released. Admittedly my lack of expectations stemmed mostly from the fact that it’s kind of hard to set expectations for a game you never really thought too hard about, but even in the brief period of time where I considered it enough to give it money, I never expected it to be much more than a pretty-looking 101 Great GeoCities Jokez delivery vehicle. Boy was I wrong. I mean, it is incredibly good at that, but Hypnospace Outlaw is so much more than a funny period piece. The basic premise is that you’re in alternate universe 1999 and have just become a community moderator for an Internet service provider that allows people to connect to the Internet while they sleep. You’re tasked with browsing the game’s weird fake Internet and issuing demerits to users who violate the five basic Hypnospace rules, but it quickly evolves into something way bigger. Hypnospace Outlaw’s greatest strength is its exceptional ability at weaving together subtle world building, small and engaging character arcs, esoteric microjokes, and a genuine sense of mystery and discovery into an incredibly cohesive and engaging package. It’s as much a game about the people that use and run its weird fake Internet as it is about that weird fake Internet itself. And a lot of the problems both face echo the problems we face with our real world Internet today. When I was mapping out writing this article like a month or two ago I was prepared to go on about how at its core, Hypnospace Outlaw is an incredibly poignant story about how uncaring tech corporations actively harm their users and always have, but then a couple of days ago I read Colin Spacetwinks’ game of the year list and his #1 entry put most everything I would have said about that topic down in a way more eloquent and well-written way than I ever could have. And then I remembered that Friend Of The Site Heidi Kemps covered some of the same angle but from the perspective of the early Internet in an article earlier this year, again way better than I could have. So I highly recommend you read those when you’re done here. What I wanna bring up instead is just how effortlessly surprising and interconnected a lot of stuff in Hypnospace feels, using a mildly spoiler-ish late game example. Two of the first “zones” you’re allowed to moderate when you start Hypnospace Outlaw are Teentopia and Goodtime Valley, which are essentially alternate universe Yahooligans and a little slice of Hypnospace just for Boomers respectively. On Teentopia you’ll see a bunch of kids that are wild for Squisherz, Hypnospace’s alternate universe version of Pokémon, and over in Goodtime Valley you’ll see (much like there was back in real world 1999) a few pages made by religious fundamentalists convinced that everything the kids like these days is the work of Satan. This of course includes Squisherz, and you can find a page by one organization full of crackpot conspiracy theories with flimsy evidence that TOTALLY DEFINITELY backs up their claim. Squisherz contains a wolf, which the Bible warns about many times! This giraffe monster CLEARLY has a pentagram in its design!! And the eye of this snake-like Squisherz is the eye of Horus, an Egyptian occult symbol and NEED I REMIND YOU that Lucifer took the form of a snake in the Garden of Eden!!! It is very clear what this page is goofing on and throughout the course of the game it doesn’t get updated at all, so it’s very easy to laugh at it and forget about it. Very late into the game, you get an optional sidequest. Adrian Merchant, one of the CEOs of Merchantsoft, the company that created Hypnospace, was found out to have logged traffic indicating he was a frequent visitor of a website called Children of HORUS, and a call is put out to investigate what that even is. You can easily find the website, but it asks you for a password if you click the Enter button. Adrian Merchant is consistently portrayed throughout the game as a complete idiot, and the solution to this puzzle has you capitalize on that. Another early game objective ended up with you finding a list of cracked passwords, and one of those passwords happens to be for the instant messenger account of Adrian Merchant. If you can remember that he was even in that text file from forever ago, and then put two and two together that of COURSE that dumbass would use the same password for everything, you just punch in his messenger password and you’re granted access to the Children of HORUS page. It turns out that HORUS is an acronym that stands for Hiding Occult References in Utmost Secrecy, and the page itself is a basic leaderboard with a list of names and two numbered columns reading “Hidden” and “Found”. In that list of names you’ll find A. Merchant, along with the names of various other CEOs and celebrities you might have read about elsewhere in Hypnospace. One of the other names on this list is F. Kazuma, the CEO of Monarch, creators of Squisherz. The funny conspiracy theory website from the beginning of the game that you most likely forgot about was, about this one specific thing, correct. There was an eye of Horus hidden on the snake from Squisherz. Not as any sort of Satanic plot, mind you, but only as part of some weird millionaire dickwaving contest. This dumb tiny revelation is not called out by the game at all and nothing comes of it, it’s just there for you to notice if you’ve been paying enough attention. Hypnospace Outlaw is LITTERED with stuff like this. Weird small interconnected things you wouldn’t expect to be interconnected. Little dumb things you wouldn’t expect to have any sort of payoff but somehow do. And it’s also just as chock full of big things. Having all the pieces fall into place at once to where I was able to access Hypnospace’s equivalent of the dark web was the best sequence in a game this year for me, even beating out the outlandish shit in DMC5. Getting and solving the final case was a rush. Hypnospace Outlaw is full of incredible moments big and small. It’s genuinely engaging and affecting, which is so much more than I was expecting from a game that was pitched to me as “Funny GeoCities Cop”. It almost has no right being so good. But it is. Hell, even the music rules! I didnt even get into that! I don't have enough time or space to get into that now! The music is so goddamn good! I know I started these lists because I had no interest in ranking games, but every year I sort of jokingly-but-not-jokingly say “haha this game sure would be my number one if I did that!” for at least one game. It’s time to fully lean into it. I don’t gotta rank ‘em all, but I can pick a favorite. Hypnospace Outlaw is my favorite game of 2019 with a goddamn bullet.

These games were also cool, I just had less to say about them:

Etrian Odyssey (Nintendo DS, 2007): Man, this series just started out good, huh? I dabbled with the first two games in college when I got a DS flashcart but never really dug in until EO4, and the first game is enjoyable in just about every way the modern ones are. Definitely more barebones and punishing though. Kero Blaster (PlayStation 4, 2017): This is a game by the creator of Cave Story that does not aim to be Cave Story, and that’s fine! A fun little shooter in its own right, though I do think the shooting in Cave Story felt a little better than it does here. Space Invaders Extreme (Nintendo DS, 2008): I played the shit out of this game in college thanks to that flashcart I mentioned before, but I never finished a playthrough in full until this year for some reason. Still way stylish and way fun! I need to get a copy of the second one... CROSSNIQ+ (Nintendo Switch, 2019): Incredibly chill puzzle game that can be as hard or easy as you want it to be. Almost uncanny in how well it emulates the style of late PS1/Dreamcast games. Super Mario Maker 2 (Nintendo Switch, 2019): Mario Maker 2 is kind of weird for me. It’s a solid improvement in a lot of aspects, but a clear regression in a lot of others. Also the online multiplayer is the second least amount of fun I’ve had with a video game this year (Secret of Mana swooped in and stole the number one slot near the end). Still, I had a lot of fun with it and I’ll probably end up going back to it eventually. Katamari Damacy Reroll (Nintendo Switch, 2018): The original Katamari Damacy is still every bit as fun and charming as it was upon its original release. This port is weirdly based on the Japanese version with the English text inserted, which means no English voice acting and Wanda Wanda only plays in the multiplayer mode. The Joycon sticks also aren’t the greatest for doing charge rolls. But none of these faults detract too much from the game. Bring on We Love Katamari Reroll! Earth Defense Force 5 (PlayStation 4, 2018): Sandlot somehow keeps finding ways to make each new EDF bigger and explodier, and EDF5 is the biggest and explodiest yet. I think the mission design in 4.1 was more solid overall, but 5 feels the best to play and has the most fun tools. Also the dialogue is the most absurd its ever been, and the final boss goes for it way harder than the series ever has. Pokémon Shield (Nintendo Switch, 2019): This game is honestly just okay, but leaving it off would again be neglecting a game I put a ton of time into this year. Pokémon Sword is fun in the way most Pokémon games usually are, and extremely half-baked in basically every other aspect. I’m still having a good time putting together teams and finding shinies and doing The Pokémon Thing regardless.

And that’s 2019 (and this decade) in the bag! I don’t know where anything’s going from here, but I’m going to ride it out as best as I can! I hope you do too! As always, thank you so much for getting to the bottom of all these words. I’m hoping to be in a more stable place mid-2020, and then I want to get back to all the things I haven’t had time to do. I want to get back to streaming, I want to write more dumb articles like The Best Babies, I want to do it all! I hope I will be able to do it all. Until then!

[aclockworkfilmsnob]

Spoiler free review on The Rise of Skywalker

Here we are, the end of the skywalker saga. As someone who has no real investment in the MCU, this was practically my Endgame.

In preparation for this, I revisited every skywalker saga movie excluding the first two prequels. I found myself loving the first two movies even more than I ever have in the past, and being let down by how none of them really lived up to that level afterwards.

That being said, after sitting on TLJ thoughts for years, going back and forth between myriads of praises and criticisms I’ve heard for that movie… I have to admit I thoroughly enjoyed it on this revisit. I just thought it was an easygoing experience that explored different lenses of what has always made Star Wars so great, and the very idea that Rian Johnson “hates Star Wars” is ludicrous to me, but that’s a discussion for another day. A solid 7/10, even if it’s not as good as TFA, I think I liked it more.

But in the vocal community I am certainly in the minority there, and Johnson’s subversive vision did not jive with audiences across the board, so financially I guess a whole bunch of backtracking was necessary. It showed in the interviews, it showed in the promotional material… and it shows in this movie.

I did not like Rise of Skywalker. I really really did not like it. It didn’t even feel like a real movie to me, it felt like a fever dream of what a Star Wars sequel is in the mind of a middle school fan fiction writer, and not a cohesive film with a beginning, middle, and end.

Do the actors do a fine job with the material? Totally. Are the effects fantastic? You know it. Is the score effective and fun? Pretty much, yeah. But my fucking God guys… this editing and this screenplay is next level mindfuckery in the worst way I can describe to you.

I have plenty of counter points for the claims that Rey was ever a Mary Sue in TFA or TLJ, ones that I still support passionately. Here though? Jesus Christ. Like… what the actual fuck were they thinking? How she’s able to do some of the shit she’s depicted pulling off is honestly beyond me. They do try to ground her character in the emotional turmoil that was holding her back in the past few movies, but the contrast just doesn’t work. She feels way too overpowered and it seldom, if at all, feels like she got to this point naturally. I fail to see how THIS movie is the product of taking criticisms from the last movies and course correcting, because how they handled Rey is literally the exact opposite of what they should have done. It was like making Anakin even more whiny and annoying in Clones than he was in Phantom Menace.

I don’t consider this a spoiler since it’s in the trailer, but the fact that Leia is here at all was such a bad idea. It’s so obvious that they wrote the script AROUND the remaining footage they had left from TLJ. It’s actually comical at points. It’s like that Rick and Morty episode where Jerry is trapped on a fake earth, and he’s talking to human NPC’s who only have a certain amount of phrases they can say. This movie would have worked so much better if it started with Leia’s funeral or something, because this was just too goofy.

Everything about Palpatine’s inclusion in this movie is bad. Literally, everything. I hated that he was in this movie. I actually couldn’t fucking stand it. I am not kidding when I say it was everything I feared it would be at the very least, because some of it was so bad it floored me. I was in total disbelief that a group of people said that THIS was okay to release in 3,000 theaters across the world. It’s like a practical joke or something.

I love Rey, Finn, and Poe as characters. But I don’t love where they’ve ended up. Their friendship is so forced in this movie, every attempt to expand upon their connection and build their chemistry falls flat. Had it not been for how much I loved them from the first two movies, I wouldn’t really care much at all what happens to them here. Or at the very least, in many respects, they don’t even feel like the same people anymore. Not as if they’ve grown from the last movie, but as if they’ve sporadically changed in artificial ways.

Maybe Rise of Skywalker functions just fine as a dumb, over the top sci fi movie isolated from the connection of this giant franchise. But as a sequel? As a conclusion? This thing is borderline fucking abysmal. The more I think about it, the worse it gets. And I wasn’t even making excuses for it in the theater, or giving JJ the benefit of the doubt, I spent the bulk of the movie frustrated and annoyed. But I think I feel that way even more so talking about it.

They should have given JJ more time. 2 years is just not enough to craft the conclusion to this giant saga. It feels as rushed as it is. I’m not rating it yet, I might actually sit through it again if you can believe I have the patience to do that. But man, God all-fucking-mighty, I do not like this movie at all.

[champiowned]

[[stats]]

my leon is canon-divergent and has established relationships with a few other muses from the same universe. [no, i don’t play exclusives.] main differences between him and canon include: he was endorsed by kabu, met rose after he became champion, never took the position of league chairman, and has since sold the battle tower.

stats:

full name: leon tarak malik [middle name is not public knowledge] official title: Himbo Twunk Supreme duplicates nickname: pecha parents: tarak [father, deceased] and laleh [mum... she’s doing her best] race: pakistani, persian gender: cis male orientation: openly gay. queer kids need good role models. age: 24 birthday | sign: dec 4 | sagittarius height: 6’ weight: ~200lbs / ~90kg build: dorito with tiddy the man works out and has good muscle mass but he’s not exactly a bodybuilder. these guns are made for hugging. voice claim: here nature | characteristic: naive | likes to fight

personality n behavior stuff:

- full of himself, but not in an “i’m better than you” way. unless you’re raihan

- ALTERNATIVELY: he does experience self doubt, pretty frequently these days, he just tends not to show it.

- hyperaware of his public image. always well behaved, positive, and poised in the public eye.

- epitome of “how do i adult.” growing up a child celebrity, pretty much everything was done for him and his life was controlled by the league and later, rose.

--- he knows how to behave in public and on TV, how to entertain crowds, etc, but has almost no interpersonal social skills and knows next to nothing about how to take care of himself. can't cook. doesn't know how to file taxes or fucking dress himself. etc etc

- he knows his weaknesses. and he’s kind of jealous of people who have their shit together.

- still largely a kid at heart. he’s optimistic to the point of being rather gullible.

--- he genuinely believes that people have good intentions and that anyone can become strong if they try. 

--- he’s also easily swayed, especially if someone is trying to convince him of the "right" thing to do. he’s a people pleaser with a heart of gold, so he’ll do the thing that sounds the most helpful!

- he’s taking his loss a lot harder than he lets on. but still acknowledges that it was one of the best things to ever happen to him. feelings are hard, man.

- in person, privately [as opposed to public appearances] he’s a little on the quiet side. comes across as an idiot often but really is just stuck in his head a lot.

--- he’s also the definition of a clown. acts dumber than he really is just to make people laugh. arceus, does he love to make people happy.

health:

- physically fit. physically fit. physically physically ph --

--- he has a weakened immune system. doesn’t really know it yet.

--- his body also heals at about half the pace it should, be it from injury, working out, etc... he has started noticing this but doesn’t understand why it’s happening.

--- he’s physically sensitive to poison types. he gets weak and sickly the longer he spends around them -- which he doesn’t usually, because he’s developing a phobia of them and tends to avoid them.

- diagnosed adhd

--- blame his lack of directional awareness on that shiny thing over there

--- ... and on his inability to tell left from right:

- diagnosed dyslexia

--- the advent of rotom phones was a godsend. speech to text is his best friend. so are audiobooks.

--- but he would rather die than read, write, or do physical paperwork.

- diagnosed depression

--- has tried to seek counseling at the request of his loved ones. tried and couldn’t go in galar, but he’s been talking to someone on call from another region.

- still mentally working out that he was manipulated by rose. doesn’t know how to feel about it. he has a lot of thoughts.

- has caffeine sensitivity. the best he can do is 1 cup of black tea a day, which is tragic, really.

important history bits:

age 7: hop was born! he’s baby!!!!!

10: gym challenge!! champion time, babey!!!!

--- he was endorsed by kabu and u can pry that out of my cold dead hands

--- also peony was the champion he dethroned

11-12: trained under mustard.

14: father died in an accident. 

--- mother fell into a deep depression. hop came to live with leon in wyndon for a few months and their (paternal) grandparents moved into postwick.

16: came out as gay in a live interview. fired his manager for being pissed about it. hasn’t had one since.

17: a certain macro cosmos president started sponsoring him.

19: said president became chairman of the league.

20: rose brought him into the energy crisis plan. 

--- with limited knowledge, leon started helping him gather wishing stars for the sake of clean energy.

22: game events!

23: post game.

current: raihan is the new champion after the protag forfeited. also leon is gay married to raihan and claude von riegan. no i do not accept criticism.

misc:

- he no likey poison types. poison Bad. no reason in particular! it’s fine!! hahahahaha!!!!

- despite being so confident, he’s easily flustered around crushes. lastbraincell.exe has stopped working

- he and sonia kissed once. and that was how they learned leon didn’t like kissing girls and sonia didn’t like kissing boys.

- had a postwick accent as a kid. spent so long in wyndon he adopted that accent. but some old dialect pokes through every so often.

- his verse’s champion is named wynne! they’re nonbinary and he loves and supports them very much!

- he’s big on charity, and not in a fake way. looking at rose. he donates money directly to those in need and regularly volunteers at or hosts things like food drives, pokemon foster care, children’s hospital visits, etc etc. he’ll buy groceries for everyone else at the store, tip 300% of his dinner bill, and help you move that couch.

- if you don’t drink your respect hop juice he will snap you over his knee.

[celiacandsalty]

Kal Penn’s Nuts

Warning: the following blog includes strong language, references to gluten, and excessive whining.

When my brother Jeff got diagnosed with Celiac disease in 2014 (at age 34) I distinctly remember my first thought being something along the lines of, “oh god, that poor bastard.” Not only because many most of the best foods contain gluten, but because I was already imagining the inevitable day when he goes to some business dinner or something and the server mistakes him for one of THOSE people. You know, the people we all roll our eyes at because they claim to have a gluten “sensitivity” or “intolerance,” but we suspect they’re full of shit and make a mental note to mock them at a later date. It’s hard to say why I cared so much about what hypothetical Cheesecake Factory employees in Ohio might think about my brother’s diet but I DID.

(I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but on TV shows now if they want to quickly convey that a character is an annoying douchebag, usually all they have to do is throw in a line where that person orders a gluten free whatever and a vegan something or other. It’s been a “joke” (for lack of a better word) for at least a decade now and for some reason shows no signs of stopping, despite the fact that it is completely unoriginal, unfunny, and hacky. What I’m saying is, gluten free is the new Nickleback.)

Okay, now cut to 2018 when I, following in my brother’s stupid footsteps, also get diagnosed with Celiac disease1 and all those pitying thoughts I never would have verbalized to my poor bastard brother come flooding back, only now they apply to me too and I can hear them all because they’re in my head. I did not take the news well.

Now, it almost goes without saying that it is easier now than ever before to find decent gluten-free food, especially in Portland, Oregon (where I fortunately already happened to live), but I gotta say, it’s a colossal pain in the ass and it still sucks. It sucks that I have to spend so much of my free-time moonlighting as a gluten detective, looking at menus for places I might possibly be invited to eat at someday and reading every word on every food label and trying to get to the bottom of whether miso paste or Werther’s Originals are safe for me to eat.2 It sucks that I don’t even really WANT to go out to eat much anymore because it’s such a stressful experience that I barely enjoy it anways. It sucks that I once enjoyed traveling and now I’ve pretty much written off at least a couple of entire continents (and they were good ones too.) It sucks that I have frequent anxiety dreams about accidentally poisoning myself. It sucks that I only just discovered Shake Shack 6 months before getting diagnosed and now I’ll never again know the joy of a squishy hamburger bun. It sucks that I no longer get to be the easygoing person in a group or at the office who, when asked about dietary restrictions, could proudly say “Nope! I’m fine with whatever (aka I am a very cool and chill person).” I could go on and on, but I’d have to say the thing that actually sucks the most is the whole gluten-as-a-punchline thing because for me it is so terribly unfunny.

A couple of months ago3 I was at the gym, listening to one of my podcasts in which the guests, usually comedians, get a chance to rant for a few minutes on any topic of their choosing. That week, Kal Penn (of Harold & Kumar fame4) was one of the guests and he made the bold choice to rant about GLUTEN. My blood went straight to a solid simmer before he said another word. I considered shutting it off, but I thought to myself, “Easy does it, Jeanne! Maybe it’s not going to be what you think it is.”

Narrator: It was.

Kal Penn went on to say that as a person living with a severe allergy to tree nuts, it makes him very angry that people who claim to have GLUTEN allergies or intolerances are diluting the seriousness of his legitimate food allergy. The main takeaway being that GLUTEN allergies are FAKE and a FAD and they’re a PREFERENCE, unlike Kal Penn’s very real allergy to nuts.

Of course, Kal Penn included the caveat that there is a VERY small percentage of people for whom gluten issues are real, but I feel like that finer point may have been lost in the message of screaming FAKE FAKE FAKE for 3 minutes.5

The annoying thing though, is that Kal Penn is right. It IS a fad. (Especially in LA.) And I HATE that it is. One particularly annoying thing about this is that restaurants are catching on and more and more GF items items are popping up on menus everywhere. Unfortunately, they are often actually GF, unless you have Celiac disease, which makes my gluten detective job much harder.6

Now I don’t doubt that living with a nut allergy is hard. And I imagine that Kal Penn and I actually have a lot in common when it comes to anxieties and frustrations around food and eating out. I know that I shouldn’t say that I’m jealous of Kal Penn and his nut allergy, but in a way I am. Yes, I’m sure it is terrifying to go into anaphylactic shock and have to be rushed to the hospital, but on the bright side, at least people don’t think you’re a douchebag liar!

Speaking of being rushed to the hospital, here’s the funny story about how I found out that I can’t eat gluten. A little over a year ago, I ended up in the emergency room after dramatically collapsing in my apartment and completely losing all feeling in the entire left side of my body. After getting an MRI (and some other very expensive tests), I was informed that there were several areas of stroke in my 34-year-old brain.7

I spent 3 days in the neurology unit with puzzled doctors coming in every hour to scratch their heads and look at me with great concern. I didn’t find out for another full week that all of this was a result of undiagnosed Celiac disease. Apparently though I was asymptomatic in terms of gastrointestinal issues (very common in adults), I had become so severely anemic8 that I literally almost died. Malnutrition and malabsorption are common symptoms of Celiac, and at this point my hemoglobin was so critically low that I required a blood transfusion and 2 IV iron infusions.

Ok, so cool story, I know, but is stroke and near-death a common effect of eating gluten? Nope! I don’t think so!

So what’s my point? Fuck, I don’t even remember now. But I guess what I’m saying is...we all know the people Kal Penn is talking about. And I spend way too much of my mental energy worrying that when I tell someone I can’t have gluten9, they might, for example, still serve me a salad that they accidentally put the croutons on and then tried to pick them off but missed a few because they probably assume I’m just another asshole doing the Whole 30.10  

So, Kal Penn, believe me when I say that I am with you on the issue of THOSE people. But continuing to rail against them and their possibly exaggerated gluten sensitivities does nothing to stop them. (I suspect it might even make them stronger and more annoying.) It does however, continue to reinforce the already widespread belief that gluten is a made-up problem invented in the 2000s, by I don’t know, naturopaths and George Soros probably? And it’s this belief that is actually very dangerous to people like myself and my brother and the millions of other poor bastards with REAL incurable conditions, and, for what it’s worth, one that seems unlikely to change the way we treat someone with a nut allergy. And, last but not least, it is also a belief that occasionally ruins my workout/enjoyment of podcasts.

Anyways, thanks for letting me vent.

Oh, but sorry about your nuts, Kal Penn.

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Cool family, right?? (Also my maternal grandmother had it too and was diagnosed in the 1980s.)

Still unclear

I meant to write this sooner. Fortunately, my New Year’s Resolution was to hold on longer to more grudges.

Among other things, like Obama’s White House?

I was also going to go back and listen to the podcast again to more accurately transcribe his rant, but just thinking about it made my heart hurt. If you want to hear for yourself, it was the November 9, 2019 episode of Lovett Or Leave It.)

Plus the pay sucks.

I think it could still pass for 28.

My blood’s solution to this problem was to produce WAY too many platelets, which I didn’t know and perhaps my blood didn’t know, are what make blood clot.

“Just tell them you have CELIAC.” Well guess what–some of THOSE people are co-opting our magic word too now!

Sorry if you’re doing the Whole 30 and not an asshole.