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tcm · 3 years

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Reframing Films of the Past: An Interview with TCM Writers

All month long in March, TCM will be taking a look at a number of beloved classic films that have stood the test of time, but when viewed by contemporary standards, certain aspects of these films are troubling and problematic. During TCM’s Reframed: Classics in the Rearview Mirror programming, all five TCM hosts will appear on the network to discuss these issues, their historical and cultural context and how we can keep the legacy of great films alive for future generations.

Also joining in on this conversation are four TCM writers who were open enough to share their thoughts on their love of classic movies and watching troubling images of the past. Special thanks to Theresa Brown, Constance Cherise, Susan King and Kim Luperi for taking part in this conversation. Continue the conversation over on TCM’s Twitter.

What do you say to people who don’t like classics because they’re racist and sexist?

KL: There are positive representations in classic Hollywood that I think would blow some peoples’ minds. I always love introducing people to new titles that challenge expectations.

That said, anyone who broadly slaps a sexist or racist label on a large part of the medium’s history does a disservice to cinema and themselves. That mindset keeps them ignorant not only of some excellent movies and groundbreaking innovation but history itself.

I think people need to remember that movies are a product of their time and they can reflect the society they were made into a variety of degrees - good, bad, politically, culturally, socially. That’s not to excuse racism or sexism; it needs to be recognized and called out as such for us to contend with it today. But it’s important for people who say they don’t like classics for those reasons to understand the historical context. In particular, we need to acknowledge that society has evolved - and what was deemed socially acceptable at times has, too, even if sexism and racism are always wrong - and we are applying a modern lens to these films that come with the benefit of decades worth of activism, growth and education.

SK: I totally agree K.L. For years I have been encouraging people to watch vintage movies who keep proclaiming they don’t like black-and-white films or silent films. For every Birth of a Nation (1915) there are beautiful dramas, wonderful comedies and delicious mysteries and film noirs.

These films that have racist and sexist elements shouldn’t be collectively swept under the rug, because as K.L. stated they shine a light on what society was like – both good and bad.

CC: First off, fellow writers may I say, I think your work is amazing. I'm continually learning from the talent that is here, and I am humbled to be a part of this particular company. Similar to the prior answers, for every racist/sexist film the opposite exists. Personally, classic musicals attracted me due to their visual assault, creativity and their unmistakable triple-threat performances. While we cannot ignore racist stereotypes and sexism, there are films that simply are "fantasies of art." There is also a review of evolution. In 20 years, what we now deem as acceptable behavior/conversation will be thought of as outdated and will also require being put into "historical context." What we collectively said/thought/did 20 years ago, we are currently either re-adjusting or reckoning with now, and that is a truth of life that will never change. We will always evolve.

TB: I would say to them they should consider the times the movie was made in. It was a whole different mindset back then.

Are there movies that you love but are hesitant to recommend to others because of problematic elements in them? If so, which movies?

TB: Yes, there are movies I’m hesitant to recommend. The big one, off the top of my head, would be Gone With the Wind (1939). The whole slavery thing is a bit of a sticky wicket for people, especially Black folks. Me, I love the movie. It is truly a monumental feat of filmmaking for 1939. I’m not saying I’m happy with the depiction of African Americans in that film. I recognize the issues. But when I look at a classic film, I suppose I find I have to compartmentalize things. I tend to gravitate on the humanity of a character I can relate to.

KL: Synthetic Sin (1929), a long thought lost film, was found in the 2010s, and I saw it at Cinecon a few years ago. As a Colleen Moore fan, I thoroughly enjoyed most of it, but it contains a scene of her performing in blackface that doesn’t add anything to the plot. That decision brings the movie down in my memory, which is why I have trouble recommending it.

Also Smarty (1934), starring Warren William and Joan Blondell, is another movie I don’t recommend because it’s basically about spousal abuse played for comedy, and it did not age well for that reason.

SK: Breakfast at Tiffany’s (1961): Audrey Hepburn is my favorite actress and I love her Oscar-nominated performance as Holly. I adore Orangy as Cat, as well as George Peppard and Buddy Ebsen, who is wonderfully endearing. And of course, “Moon River” makes me cry whenever I hear it. But then I cringe and am practically nauseous every time Mickey Rooney pops up on screen with his disgusting stereotypical performance as Holly’s Japanese landlord Mr. Yunioshi. What was director Blake Edwards thinking casting him in this part? Perhaps because he’s such a caricature no Japanese actor wanted to play him, so he cast Rooney with whom he had worked within the 1950s.

CC: I cannot necessarily state that I am in "love," but, a film that comes to mind would be Anna and the King of Siam (1946). It is an absolutely beautiful visual film. However, Rex Harrison as King Mongkut requires some explanation.

Holiday Inn (1942), and the Abraham number...why??? Might I also add, there were many jaw-dropping, racist cartoons.

How did you learn to deal with the negative images of the past?

KL: I often look at it as a learning experience. Negative images can provoke much-needed conversation (internally or with others) and for me, they often prompt my education in an area that I wasn’t well versed in. For instance, blackface is featured in some classic films, and its history is something I never knew much about. That said, seeing its use in movies prompted me to do some research, which led me first to TCM’s short documentary about blackface and Hollywood. I love how TCM strives to provide context and seeks to educate viewers on uncomfortable, contentious subjects so we can appreciate classic films while still acknowledging and understanding the history and the harmful stereotypes some perpetuated.

SK: It’s also been a learning experience for me. Though I started watching movies as a little girl in the late 1950s, thanks to TCM and Warner Archive I realized that a lot of films were taken out of circulation because of racist elements. TCM has not only screened a lot of these films but they have accompanied the movies with conversations exploring the stereotypes in the films.

CC: As a Black woman, negative images of the past continue to be a lesson on how Blacks, as well as other minorities, were seen (and in some cases still are seen) through an accepted mainstream American lens. On one hand, it's true, during the depiction of these films the majority of Black Americans were truly relegated to servant roles, so it stands to reason that depictions of Black America would be within the same vein. What is triggering to me, are demeaning roles, and the constant exaggeration of the slow-minded stereotype, blackface. When you look at the glass ceiling that minority performers faced from those in power, the need for suppression and domination is transparent because art can be a powerful agent of change. I dealt with the negative images of the past by knowing and understanding that the depiction being given to me was someone else's narrative, of who they thought I was, not who I actually am.

TB: I’m not sure HOW I learned to deal with negative images. Again, I think it might go back to me compartmentalizing.

I don’t know if this is right or wrong…but I’ve always found myself identifying with the leads and their struggles. As a human being, I can certainly identify with losing a romantic partner, money troubles, losing a job…no matter the ethnicity.

In what ways have we evolved from the movies of the classic era?

KL: I think we are more socially and culturally conscious now when it comes to stories, diversity and representation on screen and behind the scenes, which is a step forward. That said, while there's been growth, there's still much work to be done.

SK: I think this year’s crop of awards contenders show how things have evolved with Da 5 Bloods, Soul, One Night in Miami, Minari, Ma Rainey’s Black Bottom, The United States Vs. Billie Holiday, Judas and the Black Messiah and MLK/FBI.

But we still have a long way to go. I’d love to see more Native American representation in feature films; more Asian-American and Latino stories.

CC: There are minority artists, writers, producers, directors, actors with the increasing capacity to create through their own authentic voice, thereby affecting the world, and a measurable amount of them are women! Generally speaking, filmmakers (usually male) have held the voice of the minority narrative as well as the female narrative. I agree with both writers above in the thought that it is progress, and I also agree, more stories of diversified races are needed.

TB: One important way we've evolved from the movies made in the classic era by being more inclusive in casting.

Are there any deal-breakers for you when watching a movie, regardless of the era, that make it hard to watch?

KL: Physical violence in romantic relationships that's played as comedy is pretty much a dealbreaker for me. I mentioned above that I don't recommend Smarty (1934) to people, because when I finally watched it recently, it. was. tough. The way their abuse was painted as part of their relationship just didn’t sit well with me.

SK: Extreme racist elements and just as KL states physical violence.

Regarding extreme racist elements, D.W. Griffith’s Birth of a Nation (1915) is just too horrific to watch. I was sickened when I saw it when I was in grad school at USC 44 years ago and it’s only gotten worse. And then there’s also Wonder Bar (1934), the pre-code Al Jolson movie that features the Busby Berkeley black minstrel number “Goin’ to Heaven on a Mule.” Disgusting.

I also agree with KL about physical violence in comedies and even dramas. I recently revisited Private Lives (1931) with Norma Shearer and Robert Montgomery based on Noel Coward’s hit play. I have fond memories of seeing Maggie Smith in person in the play when I was 20 in the play and less than fond memories of watching Joan Collins destroying Coward’s bon mots.

But watching the movie again, you realized just how physically violent Amanda and Elyot’s relationship is-they are always talking about committing physical violence-”we were like two violent acids bubbling about in a nasty little matrimonial battle”; “certain women should be struck regularly, like gongs”-or constantly screaming and throwing things.

There is nothing funny or romantic about this.

KL: I try to put Birth of a Nation out of my mind, but S.K. did remind me of it again, and movies featuring extreme racism at their core like that are also dealbreakers; I totally agree with her assessment. I understand the technological achievements, but I think in the long run, especially in how it helped revive the KKK, the social harm that film brought about outdoes its cinematic innovations.

CC: Like S.K., Wonder Bar immediately came to mind. Excessive acts of violence, such as in the film Natural Born Killers (1994). I walked out of the theatre while the film was still playing. I expected violence, but the gratuitousness was just too much for me. I also have an issue with physical abuse, towards women and children. This is not to say I would not feel the same way about a man. However, when males are involved, it tends to be a fight, an exchange of physical energy, generally speaking, when we see physical abuse it is perpetuated towards women and children.

TB: I have a couple of moments that pinch my heart when I watch a movie. It doesn’t mean I won’t watch the movie. It just means I roll my eyes…verrrrry hard.

-Blackface…that’s a little rough; especially when the time period OF the movie is the ‘30s or ‘40s film.

-Not giving the Black actors a real name to be called by in the film (Snowflake…Belvedere…Lightnin’). I mean, can’t they have a regular name like Debbie or Bob?

-When the actor can’t do the simplest of tasks, i.e. Butterfly McQueen answering the phone in Mildred Pierce (1945) and not knowing which end to speak into. What up with that?

Are there elements they got right that we still haven’t caught up to?

KL: I don't know if the pre-Code era got sex right (and sensationalism was definitely something studios were going for) but in some ways, I feel that subject was treated as somewhat more accepted and natural back then. Of course, what was shown onscreen in the classic era was nowhere near the extent it is today, but the way the Production Code put a lid on sex (in addition to many other factors) once again made it into more of a taboo topic than it is or should be.

One thing I particularly hate in modern movies is gratuitous violence, and it perplexes and angers me how America weighs violence vs. sex in general through the modern ratings system: films are more likely to get a pass with violence, mostly landing in PG-13 territory and thus making them more socially acceptable, while sex, something natural, is shunned with strictly R ratings. Obviously, there are limits for both, but I think the general thinking there is backwards today.

CC: The elegance, the sophistication, the precision, the dialogue, the intelligence, the wit. The fashion! The layering of craftsmanship. We aren't fans of these films for fleeting reasons, we are fans because of their timeless qualities.

I'm going to sound like a sentimental sap here, ladies get ready. I think they got the institution of family right. Yes, I do lean towards MGM films, so I am coloring my opinion from that perspective. Even if a person hasn't experienced what would have been considered a "traditional family" there is something to be said about witnessing that example. Perhaps not so much of a father and a mother, but to witness a balanced, functioning, loving relationship. What it "looks like" when a father/mother/brother/sister etc. genuinely loves another family member.

I was part of the latch-key generation, and although my parents remained together, many of my friends' parents were divorced. Most won't admit it, but by the reaction to the documentary [Won't You Be My Neighbor?, 2018], the bulk of them went home, sat in front of the TV and watched Mr. Rogers tell them how special they were because their parents certainly were not. We don't know what can "be" unless we see it.

#Reframed #TCM #Turner Classic Movies #representation #racism #sexism #inclusion #diversity #cinephile #film #old Hollywood #Theresa Brown #Kim Luperi #Susan King #Constance Cherise

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pennylanefics · 3 years

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The Secretary - Michael Gray

a/n: should i make a part 2 to this??

When you started at the Shelby Company as a secretary, you heard stories about Michael. He was away in America, but everyone, including Tommy, had told you everything about him. What he did, what his life was like before being a part of the company, and he seemed out of control; not someone you wanted to be around.

Even Polly was harsh on her son, telling you that he’s not someone to mess with. So when everyone mentioned that he would be returning to Birmingham soon, you weren’t exactly looking forward to the interactions you were bound to have.

It was a pretty slow day, the phones barely ringing. Tommy and the gang were out for the day, but the women were present.

“(Y/N), when Michael gets in, will you tell him we’ve gone for lunch quickly?” Polly comes up to your desk. You smile at her and nod.

“Of course. You still have a meeting with him later, right?”

“Yes. We should be back in time for it, but if not, it won’t be too far off.”

“Alright.”

The girls leave, promising to bring you something back, and you go right back to filing paperwork.

As time passes, you forget that Michael was to be coming back. So when he suddenly appears in front of you at your desk, you’re taken aback.

“Oh, uh. Hi. You must be Michael,” you say softly with a smile. He just nods coldly, not even making eye contact.

“Um, everyone is out for lunch right now, but they should be back soon.” Still, he makes no eye contact as he collects his folder and heads into his office. Your hands shake slightly from the interaction, worried that he either didn’t care for you or didn’t like you already.

It was absurd, the latter, he hadn’t even met you. But, you go on with your day, doing what you need to, until a woman comes in. As you usually do, you greet her politely.

“Hi, how can I help you?” She grins a little and looks around.

“I’m looking for Michael Gray’s office. I’m his wife, Gina. He should be expecting me,” she says. Standing, you guide her through the halls of the company and come to Michael’s door, quietly knocking on it.

“Michael, your wife is here to see you,” you tell him through the door. He says nothing, and instead opens the door to you. That was the first time your eyes met. He stands there for a few seconds, lost in your gaze, which you awkwardly shift under.

Clearing your throat, you step aside and let Gina pass by. You make your way back down the hall, but you can feel Michael’s gaze still lingering on you, until you turn the corner.

“Here’s your favorite from The Northern Lantern,” Ada places a box on your desk as they walk back to their desks.

“Michael’s here, and so is his wife,” you tell Polly. She groans dramatically in response.

“What? You don’t like her?” You giggle softly.

“No. She’s...too American. She thinks too highly of herself and she’s already trying to insert her into the business.”

“But Michael loves her, doesn’t he? Isn’t that what’s most important?” Polly scoffs and walks away. Shaking your head, confused at that interaction, you go back to work.

As the months go by, you could tell why Michael was unliked by so much of the family. He is rude, he’s inconsiderate, and he’s selfish. Every time you gave him paperwork or a message, literally anything, he was cold and didn’t say much back to you.

But the thing you noticed was his gaze always lingered on you. When you walk away from his office and the door is open, you can feel his eyes burning on the back of your head and your ass. When you give messages to the gang, he stares a little too long.

You tried bringing it up to Polly, but she wasn’t really catching onto what you were trying to say. She figured that you were just talking about regular looking instead of intense staring, but you were too nervous to correct anything.

One night, things took an odd turn.

You had to stay late because Tommy, Arthur, John, and Michael had to do some extra work and needed you to file specific paperwork right away, as soon as it finished. You were extremely tired, after having been there for close to ten hours now, and you just wanted to go home.

Thankfully, they didn’t take much longer, so half an hour later, Tommy, Arthur, and John left after giving you the last of the stack of paper. However, Michael stayed behind.

You quietly knock on his door and step inside.

“Michael, is there any last paperwork you needed me to file? I just finished up with the others and I would, uh, I would like to go home. I’m kind of tired,” you ask nicely with a smile. He returns the gesture and stands, handing you a small stack.

“That should be the last of it,” he says. “Before you go, I wanted to talk to you.” You stop in your tracks and face him, eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“What is it?” He steps closer, almost menacingly, but his demeanor is very much different than all the other times you’ve talked with him.

“I have this...infatuation with you,” he begins. “There’s something about you that captivates me and wants to know more.” Your heart starts to race like crazy. This wasn’t the same Michael.

“Don’t you h--have a, uh, a wife?” You stutter, the nerves starting to settle in.

Even though he’s a huge asshole to everyone he meets, you always thought he was insanely attractive. And you’ve definitely thought about this moment way too many times.

“It’s not exactly a happy marriage. I found out she’s using me to get into the family business. So, I filed for divorce.”

“Oh.” He chuckles and moves even closer.

“Yeah. But you, from the moment we met, have been on my mind since. I think about you all the time, even when I’m with Gina. And I can’t get you out of my head.” He is now standing in front of you, wanting more than anything to reach out and caress your cheek.

“I-I don’t-“

“You don’t have to say or do anything. I just wanted to let you know.” Before you can even think through what you were doing, you stepped forward and smashed your lips to his.

Michael reacts a little, stumbling back out of shock and the force from your body, but within seconds, his arms wrap around you and he kisses back deeply. A soft moan bubbles in his throat when you bite down on his lower lip.

You pull away after five minutes or so and rest your forehead against his. Your hands cradle his face as he laughs lightly.

“So I’m guessing you feel the same?” He asks cheekily. Your cheeks heat up at his teasing and move back a little bit more.

“In some ways, yes. i think you’re very cute, but you’re not exactly the...nicest guy I’ve met,” you shyly admit. But he knows exactly what you mean.

“I’ve become kind of corrupt from my family and getting too caught up in the idea of it. And Gina didn’t exactly help that because she was quite corrupt as well. But Tommy and Arthur have started to gain my trust back and now that Gina is gone, I’m thinking it’s going to get better.”

As much as you enjoyed that moment, the knowledge of what Michael’s done and what he’s acted like recently keeps you from saying anything positive.

“For now, I think we should just see how things go,” you tell him. He nods understandably and grins.

“Still not going to be able to stop thinking about you.” You raise your eyebrows and wrap your arms around his neck once more.

“But I mean, if you want to make out every now and then, I won’t object to it,” you murmur, a smirk taking over your lips. Michael’s eyes darken and he returns the smirk, leaning down and teasing you with soft, light kisses all over your face.

“I can get behind that.”

“Why don’t you get behind me instead.”

#michael gray #michael gray imagine #michael gray x reader #finn cole #peaky blinders #imagines #fanfiction #fanfic

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elsanna-shenanigans · 3 years

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April Contest Submission #4: Stupid For You

Words: ca. 6,100 Setting: Modern AU Lemon: No CW: None

Anna adjusts her car visor to block out as much of the sun as possible. Just because the weather feels nice enough to keep her windows down, doesn’t mean she’ll allow the sun cook her through the windshield.

It’s 2:25 PM on a Friday. Back in college, she would have been powering through her final class of the week, racing back to her dorm on her longboard, changing into her pajamas, and replaying the entire Mass Effect trilogy for the fifth time. Now, she spends it idling in the parking lot of West Arendelle Elementary, breathing in exhaust fumes from other idling cars, and pitifully swiping through a dating app.

And to be honest, she might like this routine a little more.

But only because, in a couple of minutes the bell will ring and her favorite ten-year-old will burst through the front doors, skip down to her car, and tap on the passenger windows with both hands.

Not that…she knows any other ten-year-olds, she only knows this one. She doesn’t have like a top ten list of favorite children.

Anyway yeah.

Anna presses against the corner of a parking sticker peeling off at the bottom of her windshield, knowing she’ll have to get a new one soon. The sound of her phone buzzing grabs her attention, and a little bit of hope rises in her as she checks the notification. Unfortunately, it’s just a text from her mother saying not to park behind her when she gets back home.

Anna grumbles, “I swear there’s like zero lesbians in this entire freaking city.”

She’s saved from her petty lamenting by the forementioned bell, and suddenly the barren entrance of the elementary school is buzzing with activity as children pour out of the doors in droves. Some are running, some are walking slowly with their group of friends, but only one of them is skipping.

Or at least Anna could only see one skipping since she wasn’t focusing on any other kid.

Gleefully making her way to Anna’s car is a little girl in a bright-blue skirt, a clean white polo, and a messy braid. Her hands are clutching the straps of her glittery backpack and her lunch box is hanging on for dear life around her neck.

Serah Langford, the self-proclaimed “cooliest” ten year-old in Arendelle.

Serah predictably taps her knuckles against the passenger window and Anna rolls it down. “What’s the password?” she asks.

“Fart Sniffer,” Serah says confidently.

Anna shakes her head, “That was last week’s password. What’s this week’s?”

Serah looks off in the distance and purses her lips. A second later, she says, “Alright I said it!”

“Say it out loud.”

Serah rolls her eyes and says in a dramatically bored voice, “Anna de Milo is the greatest, prettiest, most wonderful babysitter in the world and deserves a million dollars.”

Anna unlocks the door and grins, “That’s the one!”

The embarrassed fourth-grader shuffles into the car, placing her bag by her feet, her lunch box in her lap, and her phone plugged into the AUX cord. Anna would be offended if they didn’t have the exact same taste in music.

A babysitting job wasn’t at the top of her list after she graduated, but when months passed and she exhausted all the search results for “Writer” on Indeed, she was starting to get desperate. Her mother advised her to look for any job so at the very least she could have a steady source of income while she continued to look for writing gigs.

That’s when she found Bizzybee.

Bizzybee is a company that prides itself on being “Tinder for babysitters”, which is a horrible vision statement but she kept from mentioning that during her interview. After a surprisingly long assessment process, Anna was placed into their system and she was free to take on any babysitting/housesitting job she wanted based on the profile of the parent and their needs. Everyone started with the same hourly rate, but with enough good reviews she would be eligible for raises.

The first five families she worked for weren’t a good fit for different reasons (one of the fathers actually tried to make a move on her, which is an entirely different, creepier story). She was beginning to lose hope until she stumbled on the profile of a recently divorced mother named Elsa Langford.

From the very first interview with Elsa, Anna knew she’d finally found the right babysitting job for her. She and Serah hit it off right away, and they worked out a Monday-Friday schedule which allowed Anna to continue searching for jobs while still getting great hours.

Six months later and, despite a couple of job offers, Anna decided to stay on as Serah’s babysitter. It was risky and not at all the path she set out for herself after college, but she found herself enjoying babysitting much more than she thought she would. And because of that, she stayed.

Well…that, and another reason.

Anna snuck a peek inside the lunch box at a red light and frowned at the unopened bag of cookies inside. “Seriously?! I thought you liked Chips Ahoy!”

“Only the chewy ones,” Serah argued.

“They can get chewy if you dip them in milk.” Anna waved the bag obnoxiously close to the little girl’s face. “These things are expensive, you know.”

“They’re $20 on Amazon if you buy them in bulk.”

“$20 is still a lot of money.” The light’s turned green, so Anna has to open the bag with her teeth. When she does so successfully, she pours a couple of the cookies right into her mouth. Chewing with righteous indignation, she says, “You know what you can buy with $20?”

“Dinner with my mom?”

Anna almost chokes on the cookies.

She hears Serah giggling up a storm while handing her a water bottle to keep from dying. After downing half the bottle, Anna takes a deep breath and gets back into the center of her lane to ensure neither of them is going to die. “Serah! What did I tell you about saying that kinda stuff while I’m driving?!”

Serah bounces proudly in her seat, “Well maaaaybe if you didn’t have a crush on my mom, I wouldn’t have to bring it up.”

“It’s not…I’m not…” Anna slumps in her chair, wondering why she even bothers denying it. “Whatever.”

Yes, she has a big, stupid gay crush on the mom of the kid she’s babysitting. But have you seen Elsa Langford? She’s gorgeous. Pale skin, light blonde hair always in a neat, tight ponytail, eyes like calm pools of water, and a killer body she worked tirelessly on after giving birth to Serah. Anna had to drink three glasses of water just to get through the interview with her.

But there’s nothing to it, and nothing’s gonna happen anyway. It’s just a crush.

A stupid, dumb, big, stupid, fleeting, doesn’t-mean-anything, stupid crush on a stupid, sexy mom.

It’s stupid.

[Line Break]

Anna pulls right into the driveway of the Langford’s small, one-story house. It’s in the middle of a long suburbian row of houses that look nearly identical in their mundanity, but this one always stands out to Anna. Not because she’s been to this house countless times, but also because it’s got a vibrant feel to it; like you can feel two main characters live here. Serah skips over to her front door with Anna close behind. She notices the grass is getting a little tall and wonders if Elsa might need some help mowing it this weekend.

She unlocks the front door and Serah immediately takes off her shoes by the front door, places her lunch box on the kitchen table, and hums to herself while she walks to her room. The schedule used to be on the fridge, but by this point Anna’s memorized it.

Make a light snack for Serah, help her with her homework before dinner’s done, clean around the house (that’s not a requirement, Anna just does it), make sure she doesn’t watch the next episode of Grey’s Anatomy on Netflix yet, and then kick back until Elsa gets home. In between this time, Serah continues to tease her about her crush.

It’s been like that for weeks now, ever since Serah stole her phone one day and read the text Kristoff sent to her about Elsa. The subsequent conversation about what a “MILF” was didn’t exactly help things either.

This time, however, is different. Around 7 PM, while they’re watching an episode of American Ninja Warrior, Serah says something that doesn’t sound like a joke.

“She’d say yes, you know.”

“What are you talking about?” Anna asks cautiously.

“If you asked my mom out, she’d say yes.”

Unsure of how she’s supposed to react, Anna goes with an uncomfortable snort/laugh, “Wh- stop it. Stop kidding around, that’s…that’s silly.”

Serah shrugs like she didn’t say something crazy, and then she proceeds to say something even crazier, “She talks about you all the time.”

“Well yeah, I mean duh. I’m the babysitter,” Anna says like that’s supposed to be her superhero identity.

“No, she doesn’t talk about babysitting stuff.”

Finally, unable to help her curiosity, Anna asks, “What does she talk about then?”

Of course, she doesn’t get a chance to hear the answer. The front door unlocks and the woman they were just talking about arrives from work. Serah rushes to greet her mom and Anna stays sitting to let them spend their mother-daughter time together. And also because, like usual, she’s trying to figure out how to greet Elsa.

She decides on a cheerful “Hi!” followed by asking how work went; it’s casual and unassuming, but shows she cares about her. With that game plan prepared, she takes a quick breath, stands up, and walks over to the happy, little family.

“Hi!” she says with a practiced wave of her hand, though her voice is a little higher pitched than she’d like it to be.

Elsa’s clearly tired by the look of her, but when she smiles at Anna it feels like she’s genuinely happy to see her. Which of course makes Anna’s stomach do backflips, especially when Elsa walks over to her and gives her a hug. Even after taking off her heels, the exhausted banker still has a couple of inches on her.

“How are you?” she asks with her sweet, caring voice.

Anna tries to ignore the faint, flowery scent of perfume on Elsa’s neck, and the intrusive thought of wanting to hold her until all of Elsa’s troubles melt away. “Doing good,” she finally answers with her voice still an octave too high.

Elsa pulls away far too soon, keeping Anna at arm’s length while the younger woman is trying her best to pretend she doesn’t want to know how those lips would feel against hers. “Well let me write you a check and you can head out.”

What? No! Thinking fast, she replies, “No, you look exhausted. You can just rest, you don’t need to pay me right away.” Which is a lie, she has bills due next week.

“No I’d feel terrible if I let you go empty-handed. Trust me, it’ll only take a few minutes.”

“Ms. Langford, it’s okay. I’m in no rush tonight. Give yourself a minute to breathe, at least.”

Elsa frowns, but whatever she’s about to say gets interrupted by a long yawn. “Okay fine, if you can give me half an hour, I’ll have your check ready by then.”

“Sounds perfect!” Anna squeaks.

“And again, you don't have to call me Ms. Langford. Elsa’s fine.”

Elsa pats her on the shoulder and walks over to her room, Anna gets a glimpse of it before the door shuts and she can’t help but wonder what it would be like to be in Elsa’s room one day. Her shameful thought is interrupted by someone bumping her hip.

She looks down and sees Serah with a smug grin on her face.

“Oh hush,” Anna says.

[Line Break]

Anna hates taking breaks, and she especially hates days off. Not just because that’s one less day she gets to see Elsa, but also because that’s who she is as a person. Days she isn’t working provide zero structure, and she forgets how to be a human being without a structure.

The weekends, then, are a tumultuous time for her. If she doesn’t have pre-made plans with her friends, she’ll spend the days thinking about doing everything, inevitably end up doing nothing, and then dragging herself out of the house to do something.

This particular Saturday, that “something” happens to be grocery shopping. With a list that only has “Eggs?” on it, she ventures through every single aisle, wondering if she could get herself hungry enough to buy whatever she’s currently looking at.

So far, aside from the eggs, there’s only one other thing in her cart. And it’s not even for her.

“Pop-Tarts…I don’t know, they might sound good later.” She reaches to grab a box of the frosted strawberry ones but waves it off at the last second. Maybe the next aisle will have something she thinks absentmindedly as her cart almost hits the person in front of her.

Who somehow happens to be Elsa.

“Hi! Hey! Wow hi!” Anna says while Elsa looks at her like she’s genuinely startled. “H-hey there, Ms. Langford.”

After registering that the person yelling at her isn’t a threat, Elsa smiles. “Anna! It’s so wonderful to see you.” She looks as if she’s going to take a step towards Anna, but changes her mind at the last second.

Unfortunately, Anna took that as a cue to also step forward and didn’t move back fast enough. So now, she’s just standing between both carts like she’s commandeering both. “I-I didn’t know you went grocery shopping. Here, I mean. I’m sure you shop, but like…I live near here. Like five minutes away actually.”

Elsa chuckles, and honestly it sounds like honey-dipped guitar strings. But less sticky, and more sexy. “Well I was in the area dropping Serah off to her karate lesson, so I figured I might as well do some shopping while I wait.”

Right, Serah started her lessons last week. She told Anna that she was super excited about “getting to punch bricks and stuff”. Still unsure if she should move yet, Anna adds, “Well I like this place a lot. It’s like one of my top ten places to be- to go. Maybe top five.”

“I’ll make sure to keep that in mind,” Elsa grins like she really is happy to have run into her. She shifts her gaze down and remarks, “Oh, that’s a really nice chopping board.”

Oh. Right. The chopping board’s…still in her cart. Anna lifts it up and holds it like she’s showing off the finest new features in chopping board technology. “Yeah thanks, it’s on sale actually.”

“That’s good news, I’m looking to replace the one we have. I’m tired of scraping plastic off my chicken when I’m cutting it.” Anna knows this, of course, because Elsa’s muttered it to herself every time she’s in the kitchen. “Which aisle did you find that in?”

Forgetting why she has the chopping board in the first place, Anna holds it out and says, “Oh it’s okay, you can just have this one?”

“Are you sure? Don’t you need it?”

Now remembering why she has it, Anna shamefully pulls it away, “Yes. I mean no. No I don’t, I don’t need it. It’s in my cart, but I don’t need it.”

Elsa’s eyes narrow, “I-I’m sorry, I’m confused.”

Well this is happening. And it’ll be even more awkward to explain things if she shows up with the chopping board on Monday. She sighs, finally admitting defeat, “I…I heard you mention you needed a new chopping board, so I wanted to get one for you. This one, actually. This is the one I was going to buy. And then give it to you on Monday.”

Elsa goes from confused to flattered in a second, and much like all of her expressions there’s an inarguable authenticity to it. There’s no exaggerated gasp or a drawn-out “Awww”, instead there’s a smile that could melt a million hearts and a casual touching of Anna’s upper arm.

“I knew I picked a good one,” Elsa says, oblivious to the screaming and fireworks occurring in Anna’s head.

“Ah, i-it’s nothing really. I’m using my paycheck, so in a way you’re buying it yourself haha,” Anna tries to laugh but she squeaks like someone’s just pumped her full of helium.

“Nonetheless, you’ve helped lift so much stress off your shoulders and I want to show how much I appreciate you.” Elsa straightens up a little and looks at the frazzled redhead curiously, “What do you think about coffee?”

“You mean like a coupon?” Anna shakes her head. “I mean a gift card?”

Elsa opens her mouth to respond, but another thought seemingly goes through her head and she purses her lips. A second later, she smiles again, “Yes. Like a gift card. Young people still drink Starbucks, right?”

Anna scoffs, “Ms. Langford, you’re only nine years older than me.”

“And yet you still insist on calling me ‘Ms. Langford’, which always makes me feel much older than I actually am.”

A ton of bricks falls on Anna as she realizes her grave mistake. “Oh my goodness, Ms. La- ah I mean I uh…I’m so sorry. I didn’t- I mean that wasn’t my intention. You’re young, a-and beautiful, and still in your prime. No you haven’t even reached your prime yet! If I made you feel like you weren’t, I’m-”

She’s silenced by the feel of Elsa’s hand coming to rest on…her shoulder? Well that’s new. And exciting. Anna focuses half of her mind on calming down and the other half on what Elsa’s saying.

“Relax Anna, it was just a joke. You can call me whatever you want.” Though Elsa’s voice is reassuring, her smile has a glint of proud mischief from catching her off-guard. “I’m not about to police my favorite babysitter on what words she can use.”

Anna tries to speak but finds her throat too dry. She clears it and tries again, “Really? I’m your favorite babysitter? You’re not just saying that?”

“I went through far too many babysitters before I found you,” Elsa lets out a breathy laugh, eyes glancing to the side as if she’s remembering back to the years she’d had to find the right fit to take care of Serah. Anna wonders what makes her so different from the others, but thinks that’s too invasive to ask. “You’re the best.”

The casual yet loaded compliments and the feel of Elsa’s fingers so close to her bare skin combine to create a dangerous, stomach-churning reaction in Anna. One that sets all her impulses alight, screaming at her to kiss Elsa.

Before she even has the chance to compose herself, Elsa’s already pulled away and is back by the safety of the handrails on her cart. “Well I think I’ve used up enough of your time this weekend. And besides, I need to find something for dinner tonight. I’ll see you Monday, okay?”

Anna blinks, still trying to register things that happened five minutes ago. “Uh yeah, no problem. Sounds great,” she replies without knowing what she’s saying.

Elsa smiles at her and turns the corner, disappearing from direct sight. After an eternity of standing at the end of the aisle like an idiot, Anna groans and covers her face with her hands.

“Stupid,” she mumbles to herself.

[Line Break]

“The evil scientist shouted, ‘This ain’t over, Super Gal! One day-”

Anna presses the buzzer she bought at a dollar store. “There’s no such thing as the word 'ain’t’,” she corrects.

Serah groans, “You’re the worst.”

“You asked a girl with an English degree for help with your story. What did you expect would happen?” Anna taps against the table like an evil villain.

’“I didn’t expect you to not go easy on-”

Anna presses the buzzer again. “Double negative!”

“I’m not even writing!” Serah protests.

“My buzzer, my rules.”

The sound of the front door opening interrupts them bickering like long-lost sisters. Instead of running over to greet Elsa by the door, Serah shouts with exasperation, “Moooom! Anna’s being a jerk!”

“Well that’s what happens when you ask an English major to look over your story, honey,” Elsa replies.

Anna gives Serah a smug grin, the little girl sticks her tongue out in response. Elsa joins them at the dinner table, the tiredness on her face is less concerning tonight but Anna catches her wince when she sits down.

“You okay?” she asks.

Elsa smiles, “Fell off a ladder at work.”

“Oh my gosh, how bad does it hurt? I could-” Anna has to take a pause to let the unhelpful thought of massaging Elsa’s back go away. “-get you some ibuprofen or an ice pack.”

“Thank you, Anna, but I’m sure I’ll be fine in the morning once I sleep it off. After all, I’m not even in my prime yet.” Elsa winks at her, and Anna has to pretend her insides haven’t turned to jelly.

“Is this like that time you fell in the bathroom while trying to pull your pants up?” Serah asks.

“Serah!” Elsa hides her face in her hands, though it’s still possible to tell the remorse she feels through her voice. “Why did I even tell you that story?”

Serah feigns innocence and shrugs, “Because I’m your daughter and you like telling me things?”

Elsa sticks her tongue out in response and it’s much cuter than it has any right to be. Unable to help herself, Anna asks, “Are you sure I can’t do anything for you? I mean like with your back…or whatever.”

Elsa rests her head against one of her hands and doesn’t try to hold back the tiredness in her smile this time. “You’re very sweet, Anna, but I’ll be okay. Just need some rest.” She mumbles afterward, “And a vacation…”

Anna lets her mind wander for a second, thinking of what it would feel like to take Elsa somewhere she could unwind. Like to a spa, or a lake. Elsa feels like the kind of person who finds solitude near water. In her mind, she sees Elsa in a baby blue sundress and a wide brim hat, looking out at the crystal clear waters from a creaky, wooden dock. She sees herself walking down the same dock and Elsa turning to her with a smile, holding a hand out and beckoning her to come over.

“What do you think, Anna?”

The wishful thought dissipates, and Anna’s pulled back into reality by a question she’s not ready for. “Sorry, I was uh…thinking of a story idea. What were you guys talking about?”

Thankfully not asking where Anna’s mind was really at, Elsa repeats herself, “Serah was wondering if you wanted to go to her play tomorrow.”

“I’m playing a tree!” Serah says proudly.

This invitation comes as a wonderful surprise. Serah’s been hyping this play up for forever, but Anna always assumed she would want Elsa to be there. “Oh, I…did something happen? Can you not make it?”

“Oh, I wouldn’t dare miss seeing my little girl play the part of Tree #2. But I really-”

Serah clears her throat obnoxiously loud.

“Right. We would really love it if you came. Tickets are free, but they’ll be selling popcorn and soda for $2.”

“You can sit next to my mom!” Serah adds, and her failed blink shows she knows exactly what she’s implying. It feels odd having a ten-year-old be her wing woman, but Anna’s learning to roll with it.

“No pressure, though,” Elsa says while wringing her hands together. “It’s on a Friday night, and I know you might already have plans.”

“I don’t,” Anna responds far too fast.

Elsa’s eyes widen in surprise, “Oh. Then do you want to go?”

The chance to sit next to Elsa for an hour in a dark auditorium? Anna would be an idiot to pass that opportunity up. And it isn’t lost on her that it felt like Elsa was about to say she would personally love it if she went.

“Sure, I’d love to go.”

[Line Break]

Far too many questions are still punching Anna in the brain as she pulls into West Arendelle Elementary’s parking lot and walks towards the auditorium. Should she have eaten something beforehand? Is she overdressed? Is she underdressed? Should she have texted Elsa to coordinate outfits? What if this is all some elaborate prank to make fun of her for her stupid mom crush? Did she sweat through her shirt? Is it noticeable?

Her crazy thoughts are interrupted by her phone buzzing. She pulls it out of the back pocket of her jeans and sees it’s a text from Elsa. She’s waiting by the door so they can find some seats together.

Well, that eases her worry about trying to find Elsa in a crowded auditorium. Though crowded might be an understatement. It’s a fourth-grade play, not an opera at The Met.

Once inside, Anna takes a second to admire the impressive renovations of what used to be a musty, old gymnasium (they even put in carpets and sound dampeners). But she’s not here to appraise this place, she’s here to root for her favorite fourth grader/tree and keep the ogling of Elsa to a minimum-

Holy baloney, Elsa’s wearing a dress.

It’s got blue-and-white stripes, short sleeves, and a similar colored waist sash. And instead of her hair being in a tight ponytail, the nearly silver locks fall across her shoulders and down her back.

It’s casual, it’s cute, it’s gorgeous, it’s beautiful, and it’s a stark reminder of how absolutely smitten Anna is.

“I was getting worried you might not show up,” Elsa says with a smile akin to the one she showed off at the grocery store.

Up close, Anna also notices a thin, snowflake necklace around Elsa’s slender neck and she’s already failed in keeping her ogling to a minimum. “You can always trust me to keep my promises, Ms. Langford,” she says with a goofy grin meant to reflect something called confidence.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” Elsa responds.

Feeling like she has to mention it, and also because her brain’s still currently fried from seeing an angel, Anna adds, “You look beautifuller. I-I mean not like fuller, I just mean you look more beautiful than usual. Oh gosh, not that you usually look bad because you don’t. You never look bad, you’re-”

Elsa lays a hand on Anna’s shoulder again, which might as well be her reset button. “Anna, do me a favor and take a breath.”

Anna takes a breath.

“Good job. Now let’s go find some seats, okay?”

Anna follows her, too caught up on the feeling of being told she did a good job.

They find a spot at the end of an aisle and close enough to the stage that Serah will be able to find them without looking too hard. Elsa takes the seat on the left, Anna takes the seat on the right. They don’t start talking again right away, not until the conversations all across the auditorium become a blanket of white noise.

And then Elsa lets out a breath, “This feels nice.”

Anna turns to her and notices her eyes are closed, but she still commits to perfect posture so it looks like she’s meditating. “What do you mean?” Anna asks.

“Being…present. Not having to rush to make dinner or beat traffic or anything like that. It feels nice to have a break and just be.”

Anna finds it hard to understand what constitutes this as a break, but then again she isn’t a mother. And she doesn’t know much about what it means to take a break anyway.

Elsa tilts her head like she’s about to rest it on Anna’s shoulder, but instead, she turns to look at her. “Thank you again.”

“For the chopping board?”

“For the chopping board, for taking care of Serah, for being someone I can trust…for everything. It’s hard to- I mean you know it hasn’t been easy for me relationship-wise.”

Anna nods. Learning about Elsa’s divorce and her subsequent failed relationships was a part of why she took this job in the first place. She sympathized with the single mother and knew even then that Elsa could really use someone to have her back too.

“So thank you, for being my…the person I needed through all this. My knight in shining armor.”

The lights haven’t dimmed yet, so she needs to hope the blush on her cheeks isn’t too noticeable. She bites the inside of her cheek to keep from smiling too wide, and then says, “Well, outstanding service is the Bizzybee guarantee.” It’s supposed to be a playful joke, but Elsa doesn’t seem to take it as such.

She frowns, “Do you really only see this as a job?”

This is different, but it doesn’t feel like a good different. Elsa doesn’t usually look like she’s staring into her soul, and she hasn’t asked anything this personal since the initial interview. To Anna, the answer is obvious, but she’s also caught up on wondering what answer Elsa wants to hear. If she says the wrong thing, will she lose her job? What’s the right thing to say? When did it get so warm? And is that citrus she smells in Elsa’s hair? Gosh, why is she so weird?

Shrinking further underneath Elsa’s stone-cold curiosity, Anna finally decides to approach this with honesty. “No,” she starts far too softly. “No, I think I would probably do anything for you…r family. You mean a lot to me. Y-you and Serah, I mean.”

She really hopes that doesn’t sound like a confession. The last thing she wants to do is get fired and have to run out of an elementary school auditorium in tears.

A soft, warmth presses against her hand that’s been resting on her seat. Anna looks down and sees Elsa’s hand on top of where hers should be. If this is a dream, then she never wants to wake up.

“Thank you for saying that,” Elsa replies just as softly.

Finally, the lights dim and the principal is on the stage talking about how hard the fourth-graders have worked on this rendition of The Giving Tree. And maybe it means nothing, but Elsa still hasn’t pulled away. Anna pushes away the thought of her own hand being too sweaty, and the notion that this could be a fulfillment of her craziest wish. Right now, she just tries to enjoy the feeling.

Serah turned out to be an excellent Tree #2.

[Line Break]

Next Monday, everything falls apart.

Or at least that’s what it feels like is going to happen when Elsa gets back from work and immediately asks Serah to go to her room so they can talk alone.

Anna’s never seen her this distraught before. Her ponytail is poorly put together, she’s not wearing any makeup, and there’s a coffee stain below her collar. When she asks if she can do anything to help, Elsa’s response is a quick but harsh, “No.”

She stiffens up. “Oh. O-okay, I’m sorry.”

Elsa shakes her head, places her hand on top of one of the kitchen chairs, but then pulls back like it’s hot to the touch. “Could we maybe sit on the couch?”

Right now, Elsa could tell her to cut off her hand and Anna would do it. She nearly trips walking the five feet from the kitchen to the living room couch, and tries to take up the least amount of space as possible when she sits down. Elsa sits on the far side, clutching a pillow to her chest with her mind probably anywhere else but here.

It’s not a good sight, and Anna’s not only worried about the safety of her job, but Elsa’s condition. She purses her lips to keep from saying anything stupid, and hopes this isn’t the horrible nightmare she’s expecting it to be.

Elsa closes her eyes tight, “I’m afraid I have to let you go, Anna.”

Anna completely deflates. Had she not been expecting this, it would have come as a greater shock to her. But when she pushed her luck at the play by trying to hold Elsa’s hand…she knew her days as a babysitter were numbered. “I understand,” she says sadly.

“I don’t think you do,” Elsa replies, quickly turning to look at Anna. Her eyes look like they’re pleading with her, like she doesn’t want to do this. “You were amazing, and I will give you the best endorsement for any job you apply for. But after the play-”

“I know. I was out of line.”

There’s a tense, awkward second of silence where the two women are looking at each other with equal levels of guilt and remorse. Though their reasons are vastly different. Elsa sighs and places the final nail in the coffin, “No, you weren’t.”

…what?

“Anna, I wanted you to hold my hand.”

What?

“You did?” Anna asks, trying her best to curb her optimism. This can’t possibly be going the way she thinks it is.

Elsa nods, “I’m not- well okay, first of all, I don't want to fire you. Serah, she thinks of you as her big sister, and the thought of separating you two tears me up. But this needs to happen because I…having you around…I feel something for you.”

“Feel something?” Maybe someday she’ll be able to say more than two sentences again.

Again, Elsa closes her eyes. A sternness falls on her face which Anna can tell she’s had to use a lot “Say it out loud,” Elsa mutters.

“What’s wrong?”

One agonizing moment later, Elsa reopens her eyes, and the guilt in them has worsened. “I-I’m attracted to you, Anna, and it’s getting to me. Really bad. I can’t sleep without thinking of you, I got a ticket for speeding a couple of weeks ago because I couldn’t wait to get home to you and Serah, and when you held my hand? Gosh, I felt something I never felt with anyone I’ve ever been with. I have feelings for you, and I have to let you go before I do something I might regret.”

She’s not dreaming, Anna knows that for sure because there’s no weird fog around her and Elsa doesn’t have a horse head. Yet she still can’t wrap her mind around the fact that this is happening.

Elsa Langford, the most beautiful mom- hell, the most beautiful woman- she’s ever known has just confessed she has feelings for her.

But she has to know for certain, so she finally musters up the lucidity to ask more than two words. “Do you really mean that?”

Elsa laughs. But it’s not a “gotcha” laugh, it’s a deeply embarrassed, caught-in-the-act laugh Anna’s far too familiar with. “Yes. I like you a lot.”

That’s all the confirmation she needs. With all the social grace of a bowling ball tumbling down the stairs, Anna responds. “I like you a lot too. Like attractively, I-I mean romantically.”

Elsa’s eyes widen, “Really?”

Anna shows off her expertly crafted awkward laugh. “Of course! You’re sweet, caring, and you’re so beautiful I bet a potato sack would look good on you. When I look at you or even think of you, I just see like rainbows and flutes and warm stuff like blankets or bedrooms- I uh, I mean like…soup. It was just a stupid crush at first, but honestly I don’t think I’ve ever felt this strongly for anyone before. Elsa, you’re a dream come true.”

Elsa’s pale complexion makes the redness that appears on her cheeks much brighter and more beautiful than Anna could ever imagine. This magical moment…it’s something she’ll always cherish and will never forget.

“I love the way you say my name,” Elsa says quietly.

“It’s a very pretty name,” Anna adds.

“Gosh, just kiss each other already!” Serah shouts from the hallway.

They talk for another hour. Despite the looming threat of being fired disappearing, Anna still agrees it’s best she stops working for Elsa. There’s now a conflict of interest, and the last thing they want is for either of them to get in trouble. Which means it’s back to job hunting. On the bright side, however, Anna can now come over whenever she wants so Serah will still have her “big sister”.

As for her and Elsa, they both agree to take things slow to make sure they won’t drive each other crazy. In a bad way, obviously. They both have big, stupid crushes on each other, but with Elsa’s track record for relationships and Anna’s overall social awkwardness, it’s clear that attraction will only get them so far. They have to work for this, if this was something to work for. Nonetheless, they remain optimistic and their first date is set for next week.

Elsa just needs to find a babysitter first.

#elsanna #submission #April 2021 contest #prompt: break

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justimagineitblog · 4 years

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“You Used To Love Me” Michael Gray Fan Fiction - Chapter 12

A/N: here you go lovelies! Thank you so much for the support and love as always and I hope you guys enjoy this one.... don’t kill me and try to survive the bomb shells heheh ;)

love always xx

I glance over at the clock to find that it’s 5am as the sun begins to creep in through the gaps in my curtains, obnoxiously reminding me that I haven’t slept one wink. I have, however, played last nights events on a continuous loop and nearly given myself several panic attacks. That doesn’t leave much room for resting. And the impending dread of knowing that every minute that passes by is another minute closer to Charlie returning home and me having to look him in the eye also doesn’t really inspire one to sleep either.

I have grown all too familiar with the feeling of being cheated on. Of being abandoned. Lied to. Rejected. Of having your self esteem ripped from you and the rug pulled from under your feet. The questioning yourself. Your relationship. If it was ever real. I know it all. But the feeling of being the person who has done the cheating is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I don’t know if understanding this has me feeling sympathetic for Michael or hating him even more.

But how could I hate him? Now I am just like him. I am no better. And I am certainly in no position to. Michael may have kissed me, but I kissed him back.

Then the most dreaded thought that I have been trying to push down and keep at bay for hours on end finally creeps it’s way to the fore front of my mind. Loud and obnoxious and shrouding me in shame and disgust.

Maybe I feel so horrible because part of me know’s that I don’t regret it. I don’t regret it at all.

That thought alone makes my skin crawl at the thought that I am that kind of person that I cannot physically lay here anymore. Giving up completely I haul myself out of bed and storm to the kitchen to busy myself with a coffee. Not that I need it. I’ve got enough adrenaline and cortisol pumping through my body that I won’t need caffeine for a week.

My hands shake as I try to fix myself breakfast. I desperately want to wash away the taste of Michael on my lips, but I can’t get anything down. I’m far to wound up. I give up on trying to stomach anything when my mouth and throat are so dry from anxiety that I can barely swallow.

So I just pace my apartment instead. Changing my outfit twice, cleaning the same furniture over and over again. Re arranging the flowers in their vases. My skin clammy and cold. On my laps of my apartment I can’t stop myself from passing by the window every few minutes. Holding my breath every single time in dread that I will see Charlie’s car down there and I will have to face it. I can’t even go in the lounge room, let alone look at it. Every time I catch a glimpse, see it in peripheral vision I swear to god I can Michael and I there. It all comes flooding back. Every time I close my eyes, even so much as blinking brings it all back. Like it’s etched inside my eyelids and I can’t get away from it. I can’t even stand the way my clothes cling to my skin, hugging my hips and curves, the same way Michael did. I can even feel his hands up in my hair and on my face.

I must have actually been successful at distracting myself, cleaning my kitchen for what feels like the 5th time today. Because I don’t even hear Charlie’s car pull up in the street, I have no clue he’s home until I heard my apartment door unlocking and opening.

The sound makes me practically jump out of my skin and I can’t wipe the stunned ‘looks like I’ve just seen a ghost’ look of my face as he walks in, brief cases in hand and beaming smile. I physically feel the blood drain from my face.

“Surprise!” He holds his arms out, grinning at me as he drops his bags and walked over to me.

“You’re back early” is all I manage to get out as he pulls me into his embrace.

“Don’t sound too excited” he chuckles, picking up on my complete lack of enthusiasm. I can’t blame him, I’m not doing the best job at hiding it.

“Sorry I just-“ I fumble for the right words “I guess I’m still just in shock from yesterday”

“Right, the deal” he begins, nodding “I thought so. That’s why I came back early”

Yeah… the deal… To be honest that was the last thing on my mind. I think I was referring to the shock from almost being killed and Michael kissing me. Let alone the fact that Charlie wants me to move three hours away with him onto the list.

“I was thinking about it and I realised I kind of sprung that on you” he bites his lip sheepishly “ I know I freaked you out on the phone, I mean moving three hours away is a big ask and I know we’ve only been together for a month Izzy but-“

I swallow hard. If only that was all I was worried about. Worrying about moving three hours away. That would have been so goddamn simple. Suddenly feeling faint I try to step back from him, reaching out for the kitchen counter to steady myself.

“Hey, hey” he runs his hands up my arms before they finally land on my face, holding me gently “I’m sorry, you don’t have to pack right now, we have time to talk about this”

He continues talking, but as I stare up at him it all drowns out into the background. All I can see and all I can feel is Michael. It’s wrong. It’s so wrong. But even Charlie’s hands on my face take me back to last night. His face so close to mine. His breath on my face. As each moment passes my skin crawls, hot and prickling like needles poking at me all over. I can feel myself trying to smile and nod at him, but I just can’t. The memories of last night race across my mind as my heart pounds in my chest. I can feel my chest rising and falling faster and faster until I’m all but hyperventilating.

I can’t take this. I can’t do it. I just want to scream.

“I can’t do this” I blurt out in a harsh exhale as I finally break. Finally snapping. I can’t take this anymore. I take his hands in mine and pull them away from my face as I tear myself from him, backing away to the other side of the kitchen.

He stares at me, wide and in shock as I run my hands through my hair, trying to steady my heart rate.

This is it. I can’t hide from this anymore.

“Izzy” he breathes “What’s going on?”

The way he stares at me breaks my heart. He looks completely lost. Like he’s staring at a person he doesn’t know anymore. Like he doesn’t know who this girl is. And to be honest, I don’t even know who I am right now either. But just as quickly as that look falls over of his face, it’s gone again. Replaced by another look. One of… calm. Understanding. Like he know’s something about me that even I don’t know.

“There’s someone else in your heart”

As the words leave his mouth they cut me deep, gutting me so heavily they almost leave me winded. Then I realise he’s not asking me. No. He’s… telling me. As if he already knew. Not even sure of what I’m going to say I open my mouth, ready to launch into anything and everything I could possibly say to explain myself.

“I’m so sorry” is the only thing I can manage to get out past the growing lump in my throat. I think my apology is enough confirmation for his suspicions.

“I think I’ve known the whole time… I just didn’t want it to be real”

Known what the whole time? My mind races. I’ve never mentioned Michael once. He’s never even met him.

“The man from the ball, with the American wife… who is he?”

I sigh. He knew from the first night I met him. He knew that I was always hung up on Michael. And it hurts. It’s hurts because he’s right. That Charlie could see it before I could. I fell in love with Michael on the day I met him 5 years ago. And I have loved him every day since then. Through it all. Through the distance. The cheating. Through everything.

How was I ever so foolish to try and think that I could move on with someone else. Trying to fix myself with someone else. Trying to fill the void. Shouldn’t I have known that I would only be hurting us both.

The only way I can even come close to doing the right thing is explaining it all. From the beginning. Giving him the explanation and closure he is owed. It won’t take anything back. Or fix anything. But he deserves to know. From day one up until right here in this kitchen. I owe him that much.

“You don’t owe me anything, you can leave right now” I begin, my lip trembling as I push out the words “But if you just give me a moment to explain. You deserve that much”

He stares at me for a moment. I expect him to be angry. To scream. Yell. Tell me hates me. But he doesn’t. He stays quiet as he digests it all. Nodding slowly, he goes over to the lounge and takes a seat. I follow him wearily, lowering myself onto the lounge next to him.

I close my eyes, taking a deep shaky breath before I jump into my history. I give up trying to hold back. Now is not the time for holding back.

He watches me closely, examining and reading every micro expression on my face.

“His name is Michael” I breathe “We were together for four years, it would have been 5 years yesterday”

“Four years” he echoes, the enormity of it all dawning on him. Four years is a long time. Long enough for someone to have stained every part of you. For them to have worked their way into every part of you. That takes a lot of time to unravel. To unravel that person from you, and he knows it.

“He um, he was sent to America last year to head the Shelby Company over there. He didn’t know when he would be able to come back home and well, I guess things changed when he was over there. Distance is supposed to make the heart grow fonder but, I guess not in his case” I shake my head before continuing “He cut off all communication. With me, with the family. We had no clue why. And every day I waited. Every day for 6 months. I waited to hear from him. For a letter. A call. Anything. It felt like I held my breath for 6 months, praying he would come home and explain everything away. Apologise. And everything would be okay”

“But he did come back?” He asks, furrowing his brows.

“Yes he did. He showed up out of the blue. None of us had any idea he was coming home. When I saw him at the train station that day, it was the best moment of my life until it very quickly became the worst. Because he had returned, but he wasn’t alone. He had a wife. Gina”

“Jesus…” Charlie exclaims softly as he puts two and two together “That’s the American woman from the ball”

I nod, confirming his statement.

“What happened? I mean, how does that happen?” He stutters, unable to comprehend how someone could do that to another person.

“I don’t know. I’ve been asking myself that for the past two months. He just went… cold. He looked at me like we were never in love. Like he barely even knew me. And I’ve been trying to figure out how to deal with all of this. How to get him out of my goddamn head. But I- ”

“But you never stopped loving him” He interrupts me with a sad but genuine smile.

I look over at him. I shake my head slowly. By now my eyes have succumbed to welling with tears. He is right. I never stopped. I never have.

“I didn’t sleep with him” I breathe, struggling to even suggest such a thing “Yesterday there was an altercation at the office. There was a man, he had a gun, things got heated. Michael was there, all the Shelby’s were. He had the gun to my head and-“

“What?” Charlie’s eyes shoot wide open as panic is slapped across his face.

“It’s okay, I’m okay” I calm him “But I was shaken up. The doctor said I shouldn’t be alone and Michael stayed to keep an eye on me. He insisted. He wouldn’t take me out of his eye sight for even a second. Something changed. In the office, when the man had the gun to my head. Something changed between Michael and I. Like he’s had this cold exterior but he couldn’t keep it up any longer. He kissed me and…”

I shut my eyes as the words leave my mouth. I can’t even look at him. I know by now that he won’t yell. He won’t get angry. That’s not Charlie’s way. But that doesn’t make the guilt and shame feel any less. In fact, I think it makes it worse. Because I know I don’t deserve the kindness.

“Because he still loves you Izzy” Charlie blurts out “Did you ever think maybe the reason he pushed you away wasn’t because he hates you. The exact opposite, actually”

I shoot my eyes open, looking over at him in disbelief.

“Izzy” he begins “That stuff, all those years, that doesn’t just go away. And I should have known it. That night at the ball I saw you at the table. I saw how you looked at Michael. I should have known that feelings like that don’t go away”

“Listen to me” I shake my head at him “Don’t you doubt for one second, how I feel about you. Because I don’t. You are one of the best people I have ever met. But I am a fool. Because my heart isn’t ready, I am not ready. I am not okay. And I was stupid for trying to fix myself by getting into a relationship with you. I have only hurt you. But don’t you ever question what I felt for you, please. I want to tell you to stay. I want to move away with you. I want to love you. But I just-”

“You can’t force your heart to feel what it doesn’t” He nods, giving me a small smile “I would be the fool if I tried to get in the way of you and Michael. My feelings for you grew faster than I ever expected them to. I just want you to be happy Izzy, I can’t stand in the way of that”

Unable to hold it in anymore, sobs begin tumbling their way out of my mouth. Charlie embraces me immediately.

“Izzy look at me” He holds my face, brushing my wet cheeks with his thumbs “It’s okay”

“What are you going to do?” I cry, heart breaking at the thought that he had factored me into his life and now he has to remove me again.

“I don’t know” he shakes his head “I’m gonna take that deal I guess”

“Oh my god the deal!” I exclaim, remembering that I haven’t even congratulated him yet “I told you you were gonna be great” I chuckle through sniffles and he returns a grin.

“Yes you did” he nods, chuckling.

“I’m so proud of you” I smile, placing a gentle hand on his face “You’re gonna be amazing up there”

“You think so?”

“I know so”

“Will you promise me something?” He bites his lip “We can still be friends? If you’re ever coming up that way, visit me?”

“I promise” I nod my head without even a moments hesitation “You’re not getting rid of me that easily”

We stare at one another for a moment in a mutual understanding. Maybe we haven’t found a love in each other. We haven’t found a soulmate. A forever. But we have found a friend. And I will love this man for the rest of my life. I will be grateful for him forever.

“I should go” he looks down, before we both get up off the couch and take our final march to the door. With his brief cases in hand, we stand in the door way in silence. We know this is done. We know this is over. But dragging it out feels so much easier.

“Goodbye Izzy” he breathes, and I rush forward, hugging him so tightly it shoots pain all up through my bruising back. But I don’t care. He hugs me back just as tightly.

“I’ll speak to you soon, I wanna know how you go up there, out in the big world” I grin, fighting back tears.

“I can’t wait” he smiles down at me.

And with that, with one more long, final hug, he leaves.

After he’s gone, I stand in the door way for a while. Just thinking. Digesting. I stand there as I hear his car door close and hear the wheels turn on the gravel, as he drives out of my street.

Charlie changed me for the better. He came along into my life when I expected it least but needed it most. And I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to live with myself for doing this to him. But I know I couldn’t live the rest of my life looking at him and seeing Michael. Kissing him and tasting Michael. He doesn’t deserve it. Charlie gives his all. And he deserves someone who can give their all back. I will always love him in some way, but not in the way he needs. Maybe now without me, he has a chance at finding that. I hope next time I see him he as met a beautiful woman. Maybe they’re engaged. Married even. With a son on the way. The thought warms my heart. Maybe the kindest thing I could do to Charlie was to let him go. And let him find that life. Whatever happens between Michael and I, at least I know Charlie is going to be okay.

Or at least that’s what I try to tell myself. To feel better about it all. To feel better about the fact that I just let an amazing man walk out of my life all for someone who I just cannot get over. All on a whim. On one kiss. But Charlie seem’s to think that Michael and I are worth betting on. Some how, everyone around us seems to be able to figure out whats going on except the two people involved - Michael and I. Everyone seems to have us figured out except ourselves.

I think about Charlie all night until I manage to fall asleep just past midnight, pure exhaustion sending me into a deep sleep.

THE NEXT DAY

The goddamn mail. I could have avoided the Shelby house for another few days at least to pull myself together and figure out what I’m going to say to Michael for the first time since our kiss. But no. Because today the mail needs to be posted otherwise important correspondences won’t find their way into the clutches of some very important business partners in enough time.

I basically run to the Shelby house, every single thought is just praying that no one will be there. It’s a Saturday after all. I just need to get the mail from the desk and leave. I’ll be in there at 5 minutes tops.

When I slink into the house, desperately trying not to make a noise, the whole place is silent. On the floor boards creak lightly as I prance over to the stacks of mail that I have let pile up through my own procrastination and avoidance.

See when Charlie left, I didn’t have a plan. I wasn’t going to storm into Michael’s house and profess my undying love. To be honest, I don’t know if I have anything to say at all. So my plan became what it has been since the day Michael returned - avoid him like my life depends on it. And I hate myself for that. For the fact that putting Charlie through all that pain, that the kiss, that every moment of tension and build up of anticipation with Michael could all have been for nothing because I’m to scared to find out. So that means letting the mail pile up to un godly height that will probably cost a fortune to ship all at once… then so be it.

With the sizeable stack of letters in my clutch, I turn on my heels and sneak back to the door before the faintest sound catches my attention. My hand is on the door handle, and I’m almost out of the house but the noise gets louder. I furrow my brows as I try to decipher what the noise is. As it gets louder, I realise it sounds like rustling. Like someone frantically sorting through something.

I swear to god if this is nothing I’m going to kick myself. But I just can’t leave. I don’t know who is in here with me. I all but roll my eyes in irritation as I turn on my feels and head for the sound. The thought crosses my mind that it could be robber. Someone trying to rip off the Shelby family. But I don’t know who on earth would try that. This place is like Fort Knox. Only people who have keys - and that is a very small group of people - can get in here. You couldn’t break in to this place without making a hell of a lot of noise.

As I follow the noise through the house, I realise that I’m being led straight for the kitchen. But my suspicions don’t go un answered for very long, when I round the corner and step into the kitchen doorway to find Gina, frantically searching through the draws and cabinets. No sooner do my eyes fall over her, they quickly flicker to the countless medication bottles sprawled out all over the kitchen bench.

What the hell is she doing with all this medication?

“What are you doing?” I blurt out, confused and concerned as Gina searches desperately.

“Fuck!” Gina curses in shock as she gets busted, then rolls her eyes when she realises that it’s me “Of course you’re here”

“Yeah don’t worry, the feelings mutual” I mutter, before she turning my attention back to the mediations everywhere “You didn’t answer my question”

“What are you doing?” Gina spits back, crossing her arms over her chest defensively.

I hold up the letters I was looking for to send in the mail, raising my brows. She sighs, hoping that she would be able to change the topic onto what I was doing.

“Your turn” I say.

I watch her suspiciously. I normally wouldn’t bother. But she looks like a mess, and catching someone rummaging through bottles of medication frantically alone in a house isn’t exactly an innocent act.

She opens her mouth to speak, when suddenly a panicked look falls over her face. She blinks rapidly, before covering her mouth with one hand and clutching at her stomach with the other.

I furrow my brows, looking her up and down “Gina?” I say, growing more concerned and confused as the seconds pass.

Suddenly, she takes off from the kitchen. Stunned, I begin to run after her. Down the hall ways I follow the sound of her heavy footsteps through the until I finally reach the bathroom. I stop abruptly in the door way to find her bent over the toilet, throwing up violently. I rush forwards to hold her hair out of the way, but she swats me away.

“Get off me!” She strains, before being sick again.

I stand back, everything coming together in my mind as she sits draped over the toilet, catching her breath.

“Gina…” I say quietly “You’re pregnant”

I know I’m right with the grave look she gives me when she pulls herself away from the toilet. She sits with her back against the bathroom wall, staring straight ahead.

“Congratulations, you figured it out” she says sarcastically.

“Gina, I-“ I shake my head, not knowing what to say “How long have you been sick for?”

“Why the fuck do you care?” She hisses, shooting daggers at me with her eyes.

“Trust me, I don’t. But if you’ve been this sick for a while you might be dehydrated, you need fluids” I tell her matter of factly.

“It hasn’t been this bad before. I’ve been sick every morning this week”

“And Michael hasn’t taken you to the hospital?!” I exclaim, baffled by how nonchalant she’s acting. Why wouldn’t Michael be more concerned? He’s seen Esme pregnant, Lizzie, Ada. He should know that this isn’t normal.

When the words leave my mouth she doesn’t say anything. She just keeps staring straight ahead, her eyes tired and dark.

“How far along are you?” I press her with another question.

“12 weeks, doctor” she replies dryly.

I continue to watch her, unable to figure out why she is acting so… off. So strange. Gina would love to rub this in my face. That Michael is having his first child with her and not with me. And Polly, Polly knows everything. If Michael is trying to hide it, she would still know. She could get a secret out of Michael in a second. My mind continues to run rampant with questions.

“Gina… Who knows about this?”

And again, she looks up at me with that dark, grave look on her face.

It’s not Michael keeping the secret. It’s Gina.

“He doesn’t know” I breathe and she nods her head slowly.

“Ding Ding” she scoffs.

I kneel in front of her, but she just stares straight ahead, emotionlessly.

“So I suppose you’re going to tell everyone then” she says, shaking her head slowly “Run to Michael and tell him that I’m pregnant. Then Tommy and Polly. And they will want me to get an abortion, no doubt”

I shake my head in utter confusion. She seriously thinks Polly and Tommy would force her to lose the baby?

“They’re not going to make you get an abortion, Gina. This is Michael’s child you’re carrying. I know you and Polly have your differences, but she’s a woman, a mother, too. And this is her grandchild”

She laughs tiredly, sighing afterwards. Then, her eyes meet mine. “Maybe you’re not as smart as I thought” She insults me “Why is that you think I’m 10 weeks and haven’t told Michael, huh?”

I reel back from her. Tracking the weeks back. 10 weeks. That would have been right before they left for Birmingham. I look at her, shaking my head. I don’t get her point.

“So you fell pregnant before you were married and convinced him to marry you on the ship so that you wouldn’t be having a baby out of wedlock… So why doesn’t Michael know, Gina?”

She shakes her head at me, at my confusion, before leaning forward slightly “I never said this is Michael’s baby”

My eyes widen, locked on hers. She sits back against the bathroom wall, keeping the eye contact with me.

“So there, aren’t you happy Izzy. The second they find out, I’m done for. And you and Michael can go back to being soulmates” she says mockingly.

I shake my head.

“Gina, what happened?” I ask softly. I thought part of me would want to see Gina go down in flames, and take Michael with her. But with her sitting here in front of me, revealing her darkest secret I feel… bad for her.

She looks away from me for a moment, and I can see her battling internally. When he continues to explain, I guess she realises that she has nothing to lose anymore.

“It was before we left for Birmingham. My ex got word that I was leaving, so he came and visited. I was emotional. I was scared of moving across the world. We had drinks. I don’t think I need to say what goes next…”

When I don’t respond, mostly out of shock, she continues with irritation.

“Jesus you’re persistent,” she rolls her eyes “Right towards the end of the trip I felt… off… more than usual sea sickness. I started to panic. I found a doctor on board. He told me I was pregnant. So I convinced Michael to marry me. On the ship. I was going to tell him that I was pregnant. Pretend it was his. But Michael is smart. He would know it wasn’t his”

My mouth parts and my brows furrow.

How would Michael know it isn’t his baby?

“What does that even mean Gina?”

“Do I really have to sound it out for you?” She hisses with a roll of her eyes “Don’t act stupid Izzy. Michael would know it’s not his baby because Michael hasn’t touched me since we got here. His eyes have been else where…”

She looks me up and down. Me? She’s referring to me?

“He loves you. I know it. You know it. Everyone knows it. He doesn’t want a bar of me. He hasn’t even noticed me starting to show…” as all of these words spill out of her mouth she looks sad. I don’t think I’ve never seen her sad. But it is quickly whisked away and covered up when she makes another smart ass remark.

“But I guess it’s alright isn’t it. Because I’m carrying another mans baby. No harm no foul, right?”

Suddenly someone comes in the front door downstairs. Our eyes both widen. As the footsteps come up the stairs I quickly rush to close us in the bathroom door. We wait quietly. The footsteps come down the hall and stop outside the door with a knock on the wood. Gina looks up at me desperately.

“Girls business!” I call to the person on the other side of the door.

“Well last time I checked I had tits” Polly’s voice says from the other side of the door. Suddenly the door opens to reveal us both looking nervously back at Polly.

“Well what the fuck is going on in here?” She asks, looking over me and Gina. You wouldn’t catch us in a room together if you tried. Let alone together voluntarily in the bathroom.

I glance at Gina whose staring at the floor, accepting defeat. But I don’t want it to happen this way. I don’t want Michael to have to find out this way. Through Polly. I can’t believe I’m doing it, but I begin to lie.

“Gina got sick… something she ate last night… I came in while she was sick and got her some tablets for the nausea-“

“Shut up Izzy” Gina’s voice says suddenly.

I look back at her with my eyes wide open. What is she about to do. I can protect her, give her more time to tell Michael herself, but not if she gives herself away. Polly looks at me suspiciously, and I know she’s wondering why would I be covering for Gina, of all people.

“I’m sick because I have morning sickness” She says pointedly at Polly “I’m pregnant, Polly”

Polly’s eyebrows raise, looking from between Gina and eye for more answers.

“Izzy came in while I was trying to find medication, then I started getting sick again, as you can see” she gestures to herself and the toilet.

I watch Polly carefully as she thinks.

“Well,” she begins, taking a deep breath “Congratulations… How far along are you?”

“12 weeks”

“12 weeks” Polly echoes, nodding “How long have you been sick for?”

“All week”

“Jesus,” Polly hisses “You need to get to a hospital Gina”

“I’ve been told” she looks over at me.

“I’ll call Michael. He should have known better than to leave you knowing how sick you are”

“Don’t call him” Gina shakes her head frantically

“And why not?” Polly presses

Polly looks at me, and I look back nervously.

What the hell is Gina about to say.

“Because it’s probably not the best way for him to find out”

“He doesn’t know?” Polly says slowly, trying very, very hard not to lose her cool.

I glare at Gina. Surely she isn’t about to tell Polly that this child isn’t Michael’s right here, right now in the goddamn bathroom.

She shakes her head “No, and I would appreciate if you let me tell him, please”

I all but release a giant sigh, trying to hide my obvious relief. That would have been catastrophic.

Polly nods slowly, but still looks confused. Suspicious. She always knows when something isn’t adding up. She looks over at me, but I can’t look at her. She will know I’m hiding something the second she see’s my eyes.

She watches us both for a few seconds, before speaking.

“I’m calling Michael. You can have your moment with him and tell him when he gets here. Then you need to go to the hospital”

There’s silence for a moment, before another voice fills the room.

“Tell me what?”

All of our heads turn suddenly to see Michael standing in the hallway.

TAGLIST

@shadow-of-wonder

@marvelismylifffe

@saintd0lce

@haphazardhufflepuff

@peaky-things

@burnitup

@swweett-insanityyy

@ganjeolhiddaeng

@thoughtfulfreakalpaca

@infinitelycharmed23

@chloeforde

@ashtronomyyyy

@livingforbarnes

@cleverdreamerhoagiewolf

@elleclairez

@marvelschriss

@carezzesuigraffi

@l0tsofpennies

@siliethkaijuy

@ineedabifriend

@bloodorangemoonlight

@maiabiovillage

@yoheyyosup

@hinagiku0

@beth-winchester21

@soleil-dor

@baker151910

@cherrytop02

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theritualofourexistence · 3 years

Text

Clarity in the Cancellation Crusade

After posting multi-paragraph comments on a couple different things that have popped up in my feed recently, it seemed like I should probably just sit down and write this out.

“Cancel culture.” Crazy shit, right?

The recent onslaught of cancellations includes Mr. Potato Head, Pepe Le Pew, a handful of Disney movies (Peter Pan, Dumbo, The Aristocats), and *audible gasp* Dr. Seuss. The Muppets also got a newfangled Disney+ content warning, though I’ve seen significantly fewer headlines about that.

The thing that inevitably happens when the news media decides to publish a headline about a children’s toy or book being “canceled” is a veritable parade of social media complaints about how sensitive people have become. I saw this particular post over 10 times in the period of a couple hours one day last week…

The question I’ve been asking recently when I see posts like that is this: “Who do you think cancel culture is?”

Because “cancel culture” isn’t real. In the majority of the cases currently making headlines, the choice to remove a character from a movie or stop publishing a book has been made by the company responsible for that character or book… and that is very much a normal thing companies can choose to do.

No one I’ve posed the above question to has overtly mentioned “Libtards,” but it’s certainly implied. People who haven’t read a Dr. Seuss book in 20 years are now suddenly all up in arms (literally?) because “the Liberals” are coming for “And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street.”

The Liberals are not coming for Dr. Seuss. They do not care about a potato toy. Also, nothing is happening to the Cat in the Hat. I repeat: NOTHING is happening to the Cat in the Hat.

The choices to stop publishing that book and to market a vegetable toy in a less gendered way were made by the companies responsible for producing those products… not the Liberal “cancel culture” ghoul. In fact, it’s really, really hard to find public outcry about any of the things that have been recently “canceled.” There was a single NYT article that recently discussed the problematic nature of the Pepe Le Pew cartoons… that said, Warner Bros hasn’t aired that show in decades and it is not clear whether that article had anything to do with the skunk’s scene being removed from the new Space Jam movie.

Even growing up I remember things like political correctness needlessly becoming a partisan issue. When we fall into that media trap, all we’re doing is watering the plant of an already poisonous and ineffective two-party system. Be bigger than that temptation. Push back against media intended to further divide Americans. If something stinks, it’s probably rotten. Sure, there are certain topics that fall under the umbrella of political correctness that sound alarm bells for censorship issues… but didn’t everyone’s mom tell them that if they didn’t have anything nice to say, they shouldn’t say anything at all?

Again, though, the most important thing to remember about this recent wave of “canceling” is that censorship concerns are moot. A person who owns a thing is legally allowed to do all the censoring they want. It’s not the government that has decided to stop publishing 6 books written by Dr. Seuss… if it were, we could have the censorship conversation. These changes aren’t happening because there is a Democrat in the White House. They’re happening because the company who makes these products, has for whatever reason, decided to take a different approach.

In the case of the Dr. Seuss books, Dr. Seuss Enterprises re-evaluated their choice to publish 6 books based on racist themes and images. I have only heard of two of those six. The image below is, in my opinion, objectively problematic:

The fact that a major company behind such a well-known name has seen that something is problematic and has decided to stop publishing the books containing overt racist images is awesome. It sets a great example that we can all learn from. Humans have an amazing capacity to learn… that’s one of the only reasons we are in charge here on Earth. If we fall on ice once, we are often more careful on ice the next time. When we see that something is racially problematic, it’s a good thing if we can take action to get that thing out of rotation. More on that later.

Fundamentally, what is happening right now in Media Land is gross sensationalism.

“Cancel culture” isn’t real. Should people face consequences if they say or do racist things? Yes. We should all agree on that. Should we stop publishing books that perpetuate racist stereotypes? Yes. There are plenty of non-racist books that provide an education about racial differences without the added (exceedingly inappropriate) zing of Asian characters being painted yellow and African characters being given monkey features.

If you’re not convinced that some of Dr. Seuss’s material is racially problematic, I encourage you to pop on over to Google to check out the series of ads he did for FLIT in the 1930s. Yes, it was the 1930s. In the last 90 years, we’ve learned that images like that are not okay… let’s use that knowledge to let old racist graphics die.

Still can’t accept that “cancel culture” isn’t real? Still feeling like there’s something in the air now that is different and worse than before?

Okay, then, let’s consider it further.

Things have been “canceled” by people for millennia… this isn’t new. Being all for cancel culture when Colin Kaepernick kneels for the anthem (a perfectly legal form of peaceful protest considered respectful by many veterans) but opposing cancel culture when it’s threatening to eliminate an obviously racist thing is not exactly a moral stance. Burning your Nikes in the street but then turning around and spending $400 on a copy of “If I Ran the Zoo” on eBay after Dr. Seuss’s own family has pulled it from publication due to racist imagery is… silly.

The same people who seem to be so vocal about “cancel culture” now are part of the same communities who tried to cancel plenty of things in my lifetime. Things like trick-or-treating, Harry Potter, school dances, books and movies with LGBT+ characters and themes…

History absolutely bubbles over with things that have been canceled… often for good reason! Some examples that come to mind:

DDT

the Catholic Church (see the 16th century Protestant Reformation)

doing our everyday poopin’ in outdoor holes

polio

hoop skirts

phrenology (new science cancels old science like every damn day)

Ford Pintos (not to mention cars without seatbelts)

telegrams and rotary phones (replaced by easier and better ways to communicate)

lead paint

asbestos

Four Loco

Y’all remember when we all did the ice bucket challenge to cancel Alzheimer’s?

Learning that something is problematic and moving past it is LEARNING… not cancel culture. Learning and growth are good things. We all benefit from them.

Another thing worth commenting on from that Cat in the Hat post that circulated in my Facebook feed: why do we consistently demonize sensitivity? Racism feels like something we should all be sensitive about. If being sensitive about something results in meaningful change and a less hateful country, isn’t that… good? Why do so many Americans seem to place so much value on their “freedom” to hurt others?

And don’t get me started on comparing this stuff to Cardi B. It boggles my mind that that’s happening at all. Why is there suddenly so much outcry about one song that features female genitals in a literal ocean of songs that feature male genitals. I grew up knowing every word to songs about sex well before I even knew what sex was. Your kids are only desperate to listen to WAP because they know it makes you squeamish. And take a second to think about why it makes you squeamish. Genitals are human and scientific and we literally all have them. If you have more of a problem with WAP than with any of the other 10,000 songs about dicks and sex, you need to spend some time examining why that is.

Here’s another post I’ve seen bouncing around the social media feeds:

Something about this is just plain hilarious to me. Like what are racism and rape culture if not THE REALEST issues? This country’s problem with systemic racism runs so, so deep and is reflected very plainly in centuries of cold, hard numbers. It’s not that I *think* systemic racism is a problem. The data very clearly shows that regardless of what white people think about race in this country, systemic racism absolutely IS a problem. Racism and rape culture, arguably at the root of the most recent canceling spree, are not just real issues, they’re real American issues. They’re cultural issues. And solving cultural issues is not easy. We know that these issues have been passed down through the generations so maybe changing children’s toys and books and shows isn’t such a bad thing to try. There is SO much work to do to address racism and rape culture in the United States, but small steps are still progress.

If choosing to stop airing a show that blatantly perpetuates rape culture means one less young person is stalked or assaulted or raped, that’s worth it, no? What if that one young person who doesn’t become a victim is your daughter?

If choosing to stop publishing a book with racist themes and images leads to even one kid understanding more about the nuance of race in America and the breath-taking extent of white privilege, that’s worth it too.

Would I rather the media spend time and money to bring American attention to bigger issues associated with this nation’s racism and rape culture? 100%. There are ENORMOUS fish to fry. Dr. Seuss is not an enormous fish. Potato head toys are not enormous fish. Pepe Le Pew is not an enormous fish. They’re not even big fish. They’re small. They’re tiny fish. They’re anchovies. But frying some fish is better than frying no fish.

Canceling Pepe Le Pew is not hurting anyone. Warner Brothers owns Pepe Le Pew. Warner Brothers owns nearly everything; they are not hurting for money. And canceling Pepe certainly isn’t hurting American kids. There are plenty of other kids’ shows to watch that are significantly less problematic. Just because you watched Pepe Le Pew and went on to be a properly respectful adult doesn’t mean there aren’t other kids out there who did internalize a harmful disrespect for consent. No, Pepe Le Pew probably isn’t single-handedly responsible for anyone’s decision to stalk or rape anyone else. But could a show reinforce the groundwork that ultimately leads a kid down a path where he is unable or unwilling to respect the boundaries of others? I mean, it’s not the craziest thing I’ve heard this week.

Canceling six total Dr. Seuss books that are already pretty obscure is not hurting anyone.

Changing the name of an already genderless potato toy to reflect that genderless-ness is not hurting anyone.

A brief recap: racism and rape culture are very real, very American issues.

If the decision to stop doing a thing doesn’t hurt anyone and may even save someone some hurt, why does that decision bother you?

Also, in all your frantic Facebook posting, make sure you are differentiating between “cancel culture” and consequences. When the media tosses around the phrase “cancel culture” it has this tone of finality that is, plainly, not realistic. Fads and trends move so quickly in the internet age that the idea that a group of people could “cancel” something permanently is just not possible. People who do or say racist things, though, should face consequences. People who do or say transphobic or homophobic things should face consequences. Consequences are one of the only ways we learn to do better. And again, that’s not my opinion, it’s science.

One of the consequences that can have the most impact is, you guessed it, losing money! In this capitalist hellscape, money talks. Boycotting and choosing how we spend our money are some of the most engaging ways to combat racist and homophobic garbage. When you have your temper tantrum because the company who owns a book with overtly racist imagery decides to stop publishing that book, that speaks volumes about your priorities. If you respond to that company’s decision by buying the book in question on eBay for $400, that speaks even louder volumes. What are you doing? WHY are you doing it? I’m guessing you don’t even know, and you should probably spend some time thinking about it before you flush away a chunk of your stimmy on a freaking RACIST KIDS’ BOOK.

All actions have consequences. All of our choices never affect just us. How we vote affects other people. How we spend our money affects other people. Spending our money on things that are problematic perpetuates the problem… whether it be racism, rape culture, homophobia, or transphobia… or so many other things this country desperately needs to address.

It’s human to not like change. Change is going to happen, though, regardless of whether or not we’re comfortable with it. In the information age, we have a remarkable opportunity to steer that change. Leaving behind racist relics is change, so it may be inherently uncomfortable. But change that moves our country away from racism and rape culture is GOOD change.

I am begging you. Use critical thinking… if you’re seeing a headline about something being canceled, look up WHY. Some of these headlines are absolute bunk… they’re shared just to get people all riled up and create American division. However, just like we *should* cancel lead paint, a children’s book with overtly racist images shouldn’t be published anymore and it’s weird if you disagree with that. Disagreeing with that decision, as silly as it may seem, perpetuates racism. I know how triggered y’all can get when someone suggests you might be perpetuating racism, but it is what it is. Do your research. Don’t spend your money on racist garbage. Be better.

I feel like this post is me just barking the exact same thing in different ways, but I also feel like there is so much more I could say.

I’ll leave you with this:

What will it take for Americans to weigh the threats of racism and homophobia the same way we weight the threat of lead paint? If it’s a matter of costing lives, well, the numbers speak for themselves.

#cancel culture #cancellation #racism #rape culture #the muppets #pepe le pew #dr. seuss #seuss #consequences #change #mr. potato head #potato head #cancel culture isn't real

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clarste · 4 years

Note

Sorry if you've been asked this explicitly before, but what are your thoughts on Penguin Logistics, specifically in comparison to the other organisations/factions in Arknights? I recently started and managed to grab everyone within a few pulls, except Sora (and I guess Mostima, unfortunately.) and I think they're easily my favourites. Would love to hear your thoughts. Cheers.

No one's ever asked me that, but they probably should have since I've gone all-in on Penguin Logistics ever since I pulled Exusiai and Croissant early on. I then proceeded to never pull any of the others, forcing me to buy Texas and Sora in the shop and much later dump all of my accumulated gacha currency getting Mostima. Anyway, my goal in life is to use the entire team and also max them all out. PL4life!

Anyway, my initial impression of them was that they were the cast of a 90s anime like Cowboy Bebop or Bubblegum Crisis (...Tokyo 2040). Like, they're an eclectic band of hyper-competent misfits working for a small company operating at the edge of the law. “Penguin Logistics” itself sounds like a euphemism for being, like, smugglers or something. "We'll get your package where it needs to go, no questions asked." Then Code of Brawl came out and I was totally right except they are also very dumb in a funny way. Like, they accidentally got into a turf war with the mafia, but apparently that's just business as usual.

Anyway I want to talk about each of them individually now so apologies if this starts rambling.

Texas is pretty clearly the main character of Penguin Logistics, and you can tell because she's the hub of their whole relationship wheel on the in-game chart.

She's also kinda Spike from Cowboy Bebop, although less laid-back I guess. She's a former mafia assassin on the run from her past, but her past won't leave her alone. Incidentally, "mafia" in this case refers to the various wolf families from the fantasy Italy equivalent in this setting, although they make some interesting comparisons to wolf packs in the profiles. However, Texas's family is dead, which should make her a "lone wolf" that will supposedly never have another place to belong. Except PL itself is proof that that's wrong.

Theoretically she’s just the team’s driver, but because PL is always getting into ridiculous anime fights she’s also good at that part too, using dozens of little... lightsabers(?) that she throws around willy nilly. It would probably look super-cool to see in action, except this is not that kind of game so we’ll just have to wait for the anime or whatever. It’s noted in her profile that her fighting style shows that she unconsciously sees as the only purpose of a weapon as being to kill, and heck, she’s right.

She's cool-headed, adaptable, and the serious one you can always count on, but she's not above getting into friendly(?) brawls just to take out her frustrations out.

Her name comes from the extinct subspecies of Texas Wolf.

Next up is Exusiai, the angel who loves nothing more than guns, god, rock and roll, and apple pie. In that order. In other words, a stereotypical American. Even though she's from the fantasy-Vatican. Basically she's a cheerful, friendly, laid-back person who never really fit in back home where people are expected to be more serious and orderly. Not enough to be, like, shunned or anything but she's always been a weirdo. All angels have guns though, that’s like standard issue. She wishes she could have more though.

She's also super religious, but interestingly never brings it upon her own. I feel like she probably realizes how uncomfortable it can make people who don't share that religion to suddenly bring up Jesus all the time in casual conversation. Like, she's not ashamed of it or anything, but she won't shove it in your face either. Personally, I find that a pretty cool characterization for a fictional religious person.

Which is also sort of a hint that beneath her goofy exterior she's a thoughtful, deliberate person who doesn’t let anyone in by accident. Texas notes that they're exact opposites in this respect. She also has an extremely interesting relationship with the next person.

Her name comes from the Greek word for the order of angels in Christianity often translated as "Powers."

Mostima... where to start...? I guess first of all she’s a fallen angel, apparently because she pointed her gun at her own kind under MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES. Probably related to the whole war in Kazdel thing, where many of the other MYSTERIOUS CIRCUMSTANCES in this game took place. Long story short, stuff happened in the war, she pointed her gun at another angel, Exusiai’s sister is dead under mysterious circumstances, and Mostima gave up her gun and now wanders the world delivering long-distance packages for PL. But that’s mostly an excuse for to be alone as much as humanly possible. She can also use time magic because I dunno why not. MYSTERIOUS.

She’s friendly enough, talkative even, and has a hobby of visiting new places and trying out the local food, etc, but her real defining trait is that she just doesn’t need other people. She’s explicitly aromantic, saying she has no interest in love, but she also has no need for friends or family or apparently coworkers either. Because of the way the world is, she spends most of her time driving through the endless wastelands between cities, with nothing but a truck, some packages, and her thoughts. There’s something... romantic about that (in the other sense of the word), but even she admits that the romance of watching the sun set in a desert with no one else around for hundreds of kilometers gets old after a while.

I feel like I should note that she has a very “best friend of her big sister” relationship with Exusiai, by which I mean she’s known Exusiai since Exusiai was a kid and to her Exusiai will always be that kid. Also Exusiai only joined PL in the first place to hunt her down and get answers about her sister’s death, but Mostima just laughs it off and leaves town for another year or five.

Her name is probably a corruption of Mastema, a rather infamous fallen angel in mythology.

Croissant is... well, to be honest everyone past this point is more of a minor character. Which is actually a weird thing to say since none of these people are actually major characters in Arknights, but I guess these are less important people even within the group?

Croissant’s gimmick is that she’s always trying to make money by selling stuff. I guess she’s a merchant? But not, like, a formal one who runs a shop, she just gets her hands on stuff through her connections and sells it. But in like, a friendly down-to-earth way, it’s even said that she lives paycheck to paycheck. She’s a girl trying to get by with a second job, I guess is what I’m saying.

Team-wise, she’s the muscle of the group, being a minotaur and all. She lifts the heavy packages and also smashes things with her MAGNETIC HAMMER which I don’t know why I find that name so amusing. Gameplay-wise her special move can knock all the enemies around her halfway across the map and I smile every time she does it.

Her profile notes that she’s really just living her best life as a normal-ish person, and that helps make everyone around her feel normal, and that’s important in a setting where half the people around you are dying of magical cancer (no one in PL is Infected though).

Her name comes from the French word for Crescent and also a type of Pastry. Leaning more towards Pastries in my opinion.

Sora is an idol singer. Because, to be perfectly honest, what ragtag band of misfits is complete without an idol singer? She can’t really fight, but I guess Texas must have saved her life at some point or something because she bullied both her agency and PL into letting her work there part time. And also she is obsessed with Texas. I guess saying it like that makes her sound kind of annoying, but she really isn’t, she’s just an earnest girl chasing her dreams.

There’s also this interesting thing where a lot of her basic information is censored by her agency in order to protect her privacy (”do not dox the idol”). Even including her race. She presents as a wolf, but her promoted E2 art has her as a rabbit, which raises some interesting questions that don’t really get answered.

Her name comes from the Japanese word for Sky.

Lappland is not really part of PL, but she’s PL-adjacent enough to be worth mentioning here. Basically she’s an old acquaintance of Texas from back in their mafia days, and she’s obsessed with hunting her down and... fighting her? Killing her? But in, like, a sexual way? She’s kind of a crazy psychopathic killer. Maybe. She can also be very calm and polite when she wants to be, although with a taste for gallows humor. That just makes her scarier because you don’t know when/if she’ll snap.

There are two kind-of explanations for her being like that: A) her family is dead and she has no “pack”. As a wolf, the stress of living without a pack is supposed to be maddening. B) She’s infected with Oripathy (magic cancer) and there are crystals growing in her nervous system. Which... can’t be good. The answer is probably a combination of both.

But the most important thing about Lappland is her base skill and how it interacts with Texas. Basically, in your base there are various jobs you can assign people to and different characters get different bonuses for them. Most people in Penguin Logistics get bonuses for working the Trading Depot, for obvious reasons. Lappland gets a “bonus” where if she’s in the depot at the same time as Texas, she loses morale slower but doesn’t actually get any bonus to productivity. Meanwhile, Texas gets a bonus to productivity when Lappland is around, but loses morale way faster. In other words, Lappland is slacking off and making Texas so uncomfortable that she works twice as hard just to get the job over with so she can leave. This is their relationship as defined by game mechanics.

Texas also has another bonus where she loses morale slower if Exusiai is there, which completely cancels out the penalty she gets from Lappland. In other worlds, Exusiai being there too calms her nerves enough that she doesn’t feel the need to immediately escape.

Oh yeah, I forgot to talk about Emperor, who’s the owner of Penguin Logistics. He’s a world-famous rapper wearing a Tupac shirt and also literally immortal.

#not touhou #arknights #penguin logistics

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ohhoworiginalrfaheadcanons · 4 years

Note

Since we discussed it: RFA with American MC lol o/

Okay, lemme do this. I find 2nd person pretty cringy so I'll avoid using it if I can. Also, I'm not that knowledgeable about Korean culture, so I can't really go too in depth about possible culture clashes. It took me a while to try to think of everything I could for that.

RFA reactions to an MC who's American

~Yoosung~

That's definitely not what he expected at all! Admittedly, in retrospect some of Seven's comments were probably hinting at that. He's still taken aback when he first sees her though. He'd stopped thinking of her as Rika a while before seeing her, sure, but without any hints as to what she looked like other than that, he'd left it as 'vaguely Rika shaped'.

It's fine, because she thinks he's cute, but she's as tall as he is! He chooses not to acknowledge her being taller by half an inch, because he doesn't measure by those and therefore that makes it completely fair to ignore it when she points it out. They are the same height.

He's kind of out of his depth, even considering how out of his depth he would be anyway just having a girlfriend, but...his perfect world is LOLOL and everyone is equal in LOLOL! Therefore, even if his girlfriend is kind of weird, he's willing to make the effort to get through that! Plus, her accent (she can't even tell she has one) is cute. On the other hand, he's so bad at speaking English that he can only bring himself to mumble it. It's hard to believe she isn't teasing him about it when she calls it cute.

But he lives for compliments from his girlfriend, so she'd best believe he keeps on trying. They still mostly communicate in Korean, but he eventually gets a bit more confident about speaking in English to her. If only in private. At first he tries to use it to tell secret mushy things to her...but then like half of the RFA understood him when he tried it at one of the parties, so. uh. never again.

His taste in food is also atrocious, so honestly, he doesn't find her foreign tastes to be that weird. Together they even organize a raid on Seven's place to steal a box of HBC chips, and then they both pretend that Seven didn't just let them do it. (Why does she know how to say 'I want to be your cat' in Arabic? YOOSUNG HAS SO MANY QUESTIONS)

He's super interested in some of the imported stuff she brought with her when she moved, especially the video games. Most of them are already available in Korea, obviously, but a true gaming connoisseur like himself enjoys comparing the differences between releases! Plus, it's easier to play co-op games with her when she doesn't need to think about how to translate certain instructions or things like that.

Speaking of her things, one time he found a book by her bedside with an interesting looking cover. It seemed to be a sequel book and the writing was too complex for him to really follow along very well, though. He had a pretty good idea the handcuffs on the cover weren't because it was a detective novel judging by the reaction she had when she caught him reading it. He got too flustered to even try to read it after that.

They visit her family back home sometimes, and he's always super excited whenever they do. There's so much food! Why do they sell burgers this big?! Why is everything so big? He doesn't really travel much aside from those family trips, so it's a nice change of pace. Even if her brother-in-law is taller than him. damn it-

At one point, she suggests they cosplay Superman and Lois Lane, but it's so awkward for him to pick her up princess-style given their relative heights that he chickens out. She cosplays as Wonder Woman instead, and honestly he thinks her as an amazon tying him-tying bad guys up with a golden rope is hotter than her as a reporter anyway.

He doesn't really grasp that American isn't a 'race', and brags about her anyway, despite her laughing every time he does.

~Zen~

It's dumb, but his first thought on seeing she's foreign is a moment of panic that he won't fit her tastes after all (despite the fact that she's already seen his selfies).

That's complete nonsense, though, because his beauty shines through cultural barriers. Hers does, too, and while he was admittedly imagining something else, he's absolutely immediately enchanted with her anyway. She's cute and beautiful and different from anyone else around him, and honestly perfect. He hadn't actually noticed the accent before when they were on the phone, but it doesn't bother him now that it's a bit more obvious.

He can't speak English if his life depended on it, so he trusts whatever she mutters to herself when she rolls her eyes or looks way too amused about something is all flattering. It's definitely flattering, because obviously it is. She does suggest that he should learn it, though, just so he can potentially broaden his horizons and reach a broader audience. He doesn't need the confidence boost or anything, but it does feel good to see her swoon over his attempts.

When she said she could keep up with him drinking, he hadn't realized it was because she just happened to be much bigger than he expected, closer to his size. Actually, though, she can take her liquor like a champ, even more than he expected. She claims it's something about college, but won't tell any stories about it other than that 'it was a crazy time'. It's fair. He had a crazy time in his past, himself.

He doesn't really care for some of the food she likes, but then again he'd eat anything if it meant eating with her, so it's not really an issue.

It takes a long time to go visit her parents, since they live over in the US, but he can't say that he hates them being starstruck when he arrives. The only trouble is that they keep trying to speak Korean to him and are so bad at it he can't really tell what they're saying. Given his personal grasp on English, she ends up having to do most of the communication as the translator, but it's a pleasant visit anyway and it makes him all the more determined to get his parents to accept her.

Which isn't made any easier by the fact that she's not Korean. To say his mother is 'displeased' would be an understatement. But he's not really new to disappointing her, so he won't give up, not on his relationship with his true love and not on fixing his relationship with his parents.

Obviously gossip mags go crazy about it. Famous actor Zen dates a strange foreigner girl! Love that transcends the barriers of culture, or something more sinister?!

It's not so bad until certain catty fans get involved. The fact that she doesn't look 'beautiful' enough for the Gorgeous Zen eventually erupts through the fandom, with all sorts of nasty comments coming up because of her foreign appearance. She handles it well, but he loses it and almost makes a public scene the time someone called her a giant ugly ogre. In the end, he decides to make a point of informing interviewers how beautiful she is during all future interviews. It's petty, but that's him.

It actually boosts his popularity, being the Romantic Zen who's hopelessly in love with his girlfriend.

Her fashion taste is atrocious, though. He doesn't know how to break it to her. It's just bad! Even if it's trendy in the US...he just doesn't like it...

They might be a bad influence on each other, since their drinking competitions seem to get out of hand and sometimes lead to Jumin or 707 collecting them in a place neither of them even remember going to.

She eats like some kind of a gorilla without any concern for politeness, and apparently without even realizing that's what she's doing, but it's honestly so cute to him that he doesn't mind. That said, it's not the best thing for his heart when she accidentally disrespects one of his directors in front of the whole crew. He manages to recover, but that particular cultural difference catches him off guard.

For the most part, though, her little quirks and differences just enchant him more. After all, she's his perfect princess, and she already was before they'd ever even met.

~Jumin~

He admittedly had something of a suspicion that she might be foreign or mixed, as he heard the difference in her voice when on the phone with her. He's still a little surprised to open the door and see just what she looks like, though.

Of course his English is flawless, as he needs to be able to converse internationally for business, and Chinese and English are essentially a requirement for that. He can't say he isn't pleased when she determines his 'English voice' (whatever that's supposed to mean) is 'sexy'...but he's also pretty sure she's the first one to think that.

His experience overseas means that he immediately recognizes that her disrespect to his father when they meet is unintentional. It's still cute, to him. As is her obvious mortification when Jaehee pulls her aside to explain. His own insult, however, is entirely intentional when his father starts planning plastic surgery appointments to 'bring her appearance more in line'.

Her bluntness is something that he heartily appreciates, and it honestly makes him more comfortable to know that he needn't worry about avoiding offending her by being direct as he prefers to be. She's not technically part of the company, but the idea does amuse him to make her one and bring her along to negotiations. They could play good cop-bad cop. (That particular line of thought travels off into imagining her in a police woman's uniform, and then he loses the train of thought entirely)

He thinks her taste in food is quirky, but his palate is somewhat expansive when it comes to international cuisine, so it works out just fine with him. Any food that he eats alongside her is food that he enjoys, so the issue is moot.

Apparently, the rumor magazines go wild every time she appears with him somewhere, but he never bothers to read those, so he has no idea what they have to say about her. If it's anything damaging, he trusts Jaehee to deal with it. It's probably for the best, because if he did catch any of the rude things they say about the gold digging foreign wife of the director of C&R, his policy of ignoring hateful comments would not hold up long.

That said, really the biggest culture clashes and shock come not from her American raising, but from her being poor. Most of what she learned about Korean culture before moving over just didn't touch on what the very rich and famous would be like.

~Jaehee~

Of the many things she had considered about her fellow female member of the RFA, that she might be a foreigner isn't one of them. Maybe she should have noticed from the little quirks in chat...but...no, everyone in the RFA is bizarre and always has been.

It suddenly makes sense why MC couldn't really understand what Jaehee was going through at work, and why MC hadn't been familiar with Zen! But that's just fine, because it means Jaehee gets the opportunity to introduce MC to all the more Zen things together!

She's not sure if she should be offended when the woman compares her cafe to Starbucks....but if she's compared to anything, it may as well be Starbucks. And it does give her the idea to make Zen-themed drinks, which means basking in his beauty at work while also helping to contribute to his popularity. Although, admittedly, it did more for her cafe than him.

She's occasionally mortified by the MC's unintentional rudeness, but more often than not her greatest concern to unexpected rudeness is finding a way to stifle her amused laughter. The sheer confusion on her ex-boss's face the first time it happens to him gets her through some of the rough times trying to set up and keep the business afloat.

She's not particularly good at English, but she's a fast learner, and even though the MC can speak Korean reasonably well, she wants to be able to speak in English too, so that they can both speak in their native languages when they want to. It means their cafe is bilingual, which makes it a tourist spot, which means that Zen actually can get extra exposure from it! She's as excited about that as the MC is.

She's less excited when the MC finally makes she and Jumin sit across each other and "talk about your problems or else". That's an awkward conversation she really could have done without. But...well, it's only inevitable MC's special kind of bluntness would eventually lead to something like that.

It goes better than she expects, actually, and the tension that's been zapping around them since that party finally goes away.

It goes too well.

He starts suggesting that they convert it to a cat cafe.

Oh no.

~707~

He could tell immediately from the moment he looked at the camera footage, which admittedly made the background check a little harder. It's fine though, because he did it several times, and now knows her family tree, GPA, and what boat her family got off on some hundred years ago.

The jig is up immediately, because he's a huge nerd and just immediately spoke in English when he called. He's fluent, obviously, but he doesn't get enough opportunities to practice, so now he can try out the 'cool' phrases he's come up with, and try to get rid of the pesky accent that gets in the way of certain assignments.

He doesn't tell anyone because it's way funnier for everyone to be confused when they come to the party and see someone they don't expect. He even offers a cute looking model to use as a messenger icon just to throw people off more.

He is way too excited the first time she comes home and said "Lucy, I'm home~!" - the fact that she's not an old fossil and thus actually didn't ever watch it in her life doesn't seem to matter to him.

At one point he playfully suggests that USA sinks actually have PhD Pepper running through their pipes instead of water, but she gets him back by saying she prefers doh-ritos to honey buddha chips. He's horrified and declares her tastes are never to be trusted again.

In reality, though, their tastes align pretty closely. Heavily greasy and extra sweet food with zero nutritional value are his heaven (she insists there's plenty of nutritional value. He pretends he doesn't hear her.)

For the most part, it's no different for him where the MC is from, because he doesn't exactly fit in himself and he's been all over the place anyway. The only significant conflict between them due to cultural differences came from when he decided to show up at her place and then immediately turn the cold shoulder and try to push her away.

He almost died.

She's terrifying.

~V~

He can't see a difference

he's blind

im kidding, i just don’t know v enough to include him

#rfa headcanons #mysme #mystic messenger #jumin han #707 #mysme zen #yoosung kim #jaehee kang #mysme v #ask #libralita

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carrottuan93 · 3 years

Text

Haven’t met you yet | Mark

Masterlist (3/4) | part1 - part2 - part4

Starring: MK x You

Tags: Mark Tuan, Fluff, Destiny, Waiting, Christmas, Bookworm, Nerd, Love, Fate

Total WC: 2194

You nearly puked your guts out to the sight of Jackson sticking to Eunhee and hugging her like forever has been robbed from them. You failed to confide to your best friend about what happened to you in the last 24 hours. So as not to spoil their couple time together, you chose to not disturb them and just mingle with all the kids in the sweet treats section. You love kids so much you play Santa and distributed macarons to each one of them. As expected, most of your close friends and guests brought their own boyfriends, if not, their own husbands and it was a nice show to witness, with sarcasm aside. Thanks to Jackson’s little cousins, they keep you entertained with their bubbly personality.

“One with the kids, sure you’re missing the party in the adult section, no?” The sight of a guy clad in a formal white dress shirt, tucked in a black denim pants partnered with a classic chuck taylor, and a gray winter coat, welcomed your eyes. Guys who dress fashionably is such a head turner for you.

“Actually, they keep me company so I’m having fun to be honest.” You replied, feeling all the weird sensation cascading across your spine. You feel a bit nauseous whenever guys approach you. You don’t know if you even want to be with a guy right now, after your embarrassing experience last night.

“My cousins here are a bunch of nuisance, you’ll get tired of them soon.” He picked one matcha macaron from the aisle and took a bite of it. You observed his expression. A smile crept up to his face and you caught sight of Eunhee in a distant, gossiping to Jackson that you’re having a moment with his cousin. You certainly know that they’re mentally pairing you up already and you are growing nervous about the plans that they are possibly plotting behind your back.

“You like it? I bought them all the way from a café near my workplace that sells classic macarons just like the original ones from Paris.” He nodded in approval as you watch him took another piece, this time it’s strawberry. That’s your favorite flavor among the rest and you can really tell that the sweet tooth runs on Jackson’s bloodline by how his cousins, from the little chubby ones and the grown up beside you, munch on your favorite treat.

“I never really eat macarons, but you introduced me into it. You deserve a recognition, uhm?” He lifted his hand for a handshake. He doesn’t know your name yet so you took his hand and introduced yourself right away.

“It’s Y/n, Eunhee’s best friend. Thank you for the recognition by the way. Well, you come here with a date?” You’re mentally tiptoeing above the thin ice. It’s better to assume that this cute guy over here is already taken, I mean with his looks, he's totally a charmer, you thought to yourself.

“I didn’t bring anyone with me, so I assume you also come along on your own, no?” Green light. Okay, you need to calm down. This isn’t like any of your past blind dates but first meetups are usually nerve wracking and scary so you played the innocent heroine that you are and chose to just go with the flow seeing how Eunhee and Jackson are staring at you maliciously from Mark’s back, you know they were able to receive the death notes you are sending them via telepathy.

“That explains it.” It’s not that you had a thing with cute guys, but maybe you just discovered it right now. You can tell he’s a decent one, a cool and random Asian-American import from the west and maybe if you’re an ice cream, you already turned into liquid by the way he stares at you.

“I don’t know anything about you yet, but would you trust a complete stranger to celebrate your Christmas eve with? If you’re up for it, we’ll leave this party right away because I can tell that you’re going to get sick from all these couples outnumbering us.” Have you been a good girl this year? You didn’t include this guy on your Christmas list but Santa rewarded you without even asking for it.

“I’m putting my trust on you knowing that Jackson is a good guy so does his cousin. I'll sue him and he’ll answer for the damages and fines in case you failed to bring me back in good shape.” You both let out a hefty chuckle earning glares from your best friend and her boyfriend. You’ve decided to pursue your spontaneous trip with Mark and the next thing you know you’re already closing the front door upon your exit even before the two of them could react to your great and grand escape.

----

��He took you on a ride away from the busy and bustling streets of Seoul. You're thrilled to find out that he actually brought you to Namsan Tower, the highest peak in the city. You're awed expression cannot suffice the picturesque panoramic scenery of Seoul unfolding in front of your very eyes when you entered the observatory on the top most floor. You were unable to talk all of a sudden and your heart is brimming with unexplained strings of emotion as you kept on taking pictures and videos of the breathtaking place that sent your eyes into a food coma.

"I only went to N tower once, or maybe twice but that was during the day and I have no idea that this is how it looks at night. It's a miss, nobody will be able to witness this scene on a Christmas eve the way we're seeing it right now." You forgot about your shameful episodes of last night's happenings and your worries disappeared in just an instant.

"I kind of paid for tonight's reservation when I arrived here in Korea a week ago, with the hopes of spending Christmas only to myself. Consider yourself lucky, you've managed to join me on this one-time event. Heck, the price I paid for is totally worth it. Come here and try this." He urged you to look on the telescope, and to your surprise, you're taking in every aspect of the city in a bird's eye perspective. Everything you look at is really stunning. Like you never really imagined that perfection exists for real until tonight and you're experiencing it with a random guy whom you've only met an hour ago. Your eyes met his and you wished you aren't redder than a rotten tomato for looking like a lost deer caught on a headlight.

"The view here is really pretty.” He gave you a smile, too charming for your own consumption.

“It really is.” He’s even prettier than the view. You can only sense your guy-o-meter raising for Mark. Good lord, is this a sign? Your mind is now ready to tick the ideal guy boxes on your list.

“We shouldn't keep this New York style pizza from waiting while it is hot.” He chuckled, like the cute kid that he is. There is something with his unique laugh that you really don’t mind hearing at all. Is he older than me? Please, I don’t want to date someone younger than me.

“Okay, sure kid.” You followed him as he sat on the ground in a dimly lit room radiating a romantic atmosphere under the starry and chilly skies of Seoul. This is not a date, but a friendly escape out of boredom planned by two single hearts on a Christmas eve. As if you’re two partners in crime, sitting on one of the highest skyscrapers in town, while sharing a box of pizza. It’s just that you aren’t Bonnie and neither he is your Clyde but you're loving the idea of him as someone whom you can rely on.

“I’m older than you, silly.” The sight of a wine bottle behind him caught your attention and wondered where it came from. He noticed you eyeing the prize so he did the honor and poured you a glass of wine while you’re devouring your slice of pizza. You never imagined that eating pizza is too romantic and one for the books.

“Any proof that you’re actually above 25? Cause you really look young. With that face, you can qualify for a student discount on public transports and still save money for your commute.” You want to make sure that he’s at least 5 years older than you. You prefer dating someone older than you because they always say that a guy's maturity is a year delayed for his age.

“Trust me, I just know. I’m old enough to buy a house and enter into casinos, I guess.” He gave you a wink and you felt a gush of strong wind blew your senses away. He’s totally a Romeo and you took a swig of wine while observing him secretly.

“So you’re a gambler? I might have been spending my time with some kind of a mafia leader and still have no clue about it.” He’s laughing at it again. I might have a talent with making cute guys laugh and that’s an asset I only discovered right now.

“What, no! But my dad is a big spender in casinos. My duty is to look out for him and take him home before he could even bet our fortune with his leisure. I could always hear him say ‘It has gotta be all or nothing’. He’s born for taking risks and maybe I got that gene from him that’s why.” He stretched his legs and sat like he’s on a photoshoot. He’s not a model but he can beat the professional ones even without the need for screening.

“What’s the biggest risk you’ve taken in your life so far?” You folded your legs as you watch him wonder with his eyes fixed on the ceiling. He poured a glass for himself and you noticed that he used the same glass that you drink on.

“I believe we’re taking risks everyday in our lives. The only difference is the distance of our leap towards taking or not taking chances at all. Like when you’re playing a game, everything starts with equal opportunities. It’s a race to the witch mountain. The first one to gamble takes it all. You gotta be the predator of every tournament and you gotta be the last one standing in a survival of the fittest. If you’re brave enough to take the earliest start, you can use that advantage to ace your end game. It’s all about timing and investing. Win or lose streak. There is no such thing as a grey area when it comes to taking risks. You don’t get to tie with anybody. Either you’ll win or lose. You just have to trust your instincts and roll your dice like everyday is your last day on earth. If I go for something, I go all in. No half-baked decisions. Because my father taught me that risks equates to rewards and I’m all up for the extremes of both worlds. That’s the one thing I’m best at. I know how to play the game nice and fair because I know how to measure the corners of a square and even the distance around the circle which is not visible to the naked eye. After all, he considers me as his lucky charm. That explains my presence to his endless casino nights. And he hardly ever loses if I’m with him. Sure, Pops are probably waiting for me at our doorstep in LA right now. Too bad, his son is on the other side of the world, taking his own risk of a lifetime.” You left with no words to say. He’s too deep, a food for the soul. Guys like him are the ones that can be displayed in museums. He’s a delicate art and nobody should be allowed to touch him but the curator. And you’d want to take that role.

“What if you lose? If you go all in and you lose everything all at once? Have you experienced it already?” you asked, admiring the tiny mole sitting under his left eye. You decided to take your second glass of wine.

“The best thing about losing is that you’ve tried. I don’t take failures as an excuse for not trying again and taking another risk the next day. If I lose, so what? That only means you’re brave because you grow stronger with every fall that you take. Like a bamboo tree, it only bends but it doesn’t break. Life is all about swimming against the current of uncertainties and finding yourself floating on top of your insecurities.” As if he’s summarizing all the lessons in life, you’d always want to go for the front seat. He’s a walking self-help book, and maybe Mark Manson’s book of ‘the subtle art of not giving a fuck’ would have to sit longer in my shelf for the meantime. I got a risk-taker author Mark, right here and I got nothing to worry about.

#marktuan #got7 #ahgase #mark #mark tuan #got7 mark #got7 marktuan #got7 fanfic #got7 fluff #got7 imagines #fluff #kpop #kpop fluff #fanfic #boyfriend #got7 jackson #jackson #got7jackson

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deadcactuswalking · 3 years

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 08/05/2021 (Billie Eilish, DJ Khaled)

Whilst this is slightly busier than last week, I am genuinely surprised with how little is actually going on here on this week’s chart, a lot less than I expected or predicted. With that said, the top of the chart is where our biggest story comes from and that is “Body” by Russ Millions and Tion Wayne taking advantage of a weak chart with its star-studded remix and peaking at #1 for its first week, replacing Lil Nas X’s “MONTERO (Call Me by Your Name)”. Not only is it the biggest hit for both of these guys and their first #1s, but it’s the first #1 for the entire UK drill genre, which kind of came out of nowhere for me since I think the song’s pretty worthless but with a TikTok challenge and streaming numbers that have even placed it in the American Spotify chart, it’s gearing up to be one of the biggest British rap songs ever. Let’s hope maybe this one doesn’t stall out as badly as “Don’t Rush” outside of the UK. With all that out of the way, let’s start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

Our only new arrival from last week’s UK Top 75 (which is what I cover), “Come Through” by H.E.R. featuring Chris Brown, is gone on the next off of the debut. Well, at least we have more than one new song this week, as well as some interesting chart nonsense lower down, but also some notable drop-outs for “Mr. Perfectly Fine” by Taylor Swift, “Mercury” by Dave and Kamal., “Lemon Pepper Freestyle” by Drake featuring Rick Ross, “All You Ever Wanted” by Rag’n’Bone Man (which will rebound next week as that album makes its impact) as well as “Watermelon Sugar” by Harry Styles finally making what seems to be its last exit. Our only return is in the form of “Confetti” by Little Mix getting a massive surge back at #15 after its Saweetie remix and the attached music video, though Saweetie doesn’t happen to be credited here.

We do have an interesting selection of gains and losses, as with the notable fallers – dropping five spots or more down the chart – we have “Titanium” by Dave at #23, “Wellerman” by Nathan Evans and remixed by 220 KID and Billen Ted getting ACR’d down to #29 (it had a surprisingly great run), “The Business” by Tiesto having the same happen to it at #32, “We’re Good” by Dua Lipa at #40, “drivers license” by Olivia Rodrigo at #43, “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd at #45, “Don’t Play” by Anne-Marie, KSI and Digital Farm Animals at #51, “Calling My Phone” by Lil Tjay and 6LACK hit hard to #54, the same with “Up” by Cardi B at #59, “You” by Regard, Troye Sivan and Tate McRae shaking off the gains #63, “Get Out My Head” by Shane Codd at #60, “Heat” by Paul Woolford and Amber Mark at #66, “Solid” by Young Stoner Life, Young Thug and Gunna featuring Drake at #69, “Paradise” by MERDUZA and Dermot Kennedy at #71 and, sadly, “How Does it Feel” by London Grammar at #75.

Where it gets a bit more telling about how the charts are going to adapt into the Summer is in our climbers as we have solid gains for “Another Love” by Tom Odell making another run at #60, “Sunshine (The Light)” by Fat Joe, DJ Khaled and Amorphous inexplicably at #57 and now we get into the top 40 where we have more potential future hits. “Way Too Long” by Nathan Dawe, Anne-Marie and MoStack is at #38, “Don’t You Worry About Me” brings the Bad Boy Chiller Crew their first hit at #37 (although the song is only ever worth hearing for that chorus) and “WITHOUT YOU” by the Kid LAROI returns to the top 40 at #30 thanks to a remix with Miley Cyrus who is again not credited by the Official Charts Company. Boney M. are granted their first new top 20 hit since the 1990s, even if it is just a remix of a song that went #2 in 1978, as Majestic’s remix of “Rasputin” is at #18. Our final gain is for a song first entering the top 10 thanks to the remix with Ariana Grande finally making an impact – yet once again not given the official credit by the OCC – as “Save Your Tears” by the Weeknd makes its way up to #8, becoming his tenth top 10 hit here in Britain. That’s not the only song to first enter the top 10 this week but we’ll get to that in due time with our... odd selection of new arrivals this week.

NEW ARRIVALS

#73 – “EVERY CHANCE I GET” – DJ Khaled featuring Lil Baby and Lil Durk

Produced by DJ Khaled and Tay Keith

Two of our new entries are from DJ Khaled’s most recent album Khaled Khaled, an album much like any Khaled album I found cheap and just dull. This record especially is just mixed horribly, with a budget spent exceedingly on getting big-name features instead of any worthwhile engineers to actually mix and master this 50-minute trainwreck. The album doesn’t have many highlights at all but if I had to choose some they would be the two debuting this week, the first of which is basically a Lil Baby cut, “EVERY CHANCE I GET”, with a verse from Lil Durk. Okay, so, yes, first of all, much like the rest of the record, this mix is compressed and just weak, with bizarre bass mastering and drums that sound like garbage, before we get to Lil Baby himself sounding even froggier than ever. I do think that gives the song part of its charm, though, as with a Tay Keith beat, it’s definitely going for a hardcore, old-school Memphis rap atmosphere, and with Lil Baby’s flow switches disguising paranoid lyrics about the typical gunplay and flexing, it does effectively make a pretty intimidating listen... okay, well, it would, if DJ Khaled didn’t have to pop in to convince Lil Baby to “keep going”. We also get a single verse from Lil Durk here, mixed like he recorded his vocals in his bath to the point where it’s clipping against the bass, but delivering a King Von-esque flow that sounds pretty great, and admittedly more detail than you’d expect. I also love that silly “mmm-mmm” flow he uses at the end. I do wish a song like this, clearly supposed to be menacing, did not have the ludicrous personality void that is DJ Khaled on it, and it’s not like they need Khaled to collaborate together – or with Tay Keith for that matter – so I don’t really see why the dude doesn’t just shut up and promote his albums as compilations instead. I understand it comes from his mixtape days, but if this is going to be a studio album, treat it like one and just be quiet for once.

#72 – “Oblivion” – Royal Blood

Produced by Royal Blood

Royal Blood got the #1 album this week for Typhoons and admittedly, whilst I am interested in this band, I haven’t gotten around to listening to it, so I’ll take this album cut as a preview of what to come. If I am doing that, I hope to be surprised by whatever else that album has in store as I’m not really a fan of this. That eerie choppy guitar loop being immediately crushed by this heavily distorted riff and stiff percussion just does not sound unique or interesting, especially if Mike Kerr is going to sound this soulless. The build towards the chorus feels pretty pathetic and unwarranted, and said chorus is just not catchy, before we get to content about how he knows his fate through how arrogant he’s been and he deserves what’s coming to him. I mean, sure, but there’s nothing that makes it obvious that these guys don’t care about what’s coming to them given the pained vocal delivery and monotonous instrumental. It doesn’t feel exciting, rebellious or whatever emotion this tries and fails to capture, just stiff and staggered in its execution. This does make sense for Royal Blood but seems to me like they’re resting way too heavily on ideas ran through the soil at this point. With all that said, this isn’t bad at all, just not as great as those other singles have been from the record. I think I’d be more forgiving if it didn’t come off as a Queens of the Stone Age tribute act writing “originals” that bomb at their shows.

#56 – “love race” – Machine Gun Kelly featuring Kellin Quinn

Produced by Jeff Peters, Jared Gudstadt and Travis Barker

I guess this might actually be a rock-heavy week – not that I’m complaining about more of a rock presence on the chart but God, I wish it wasn’t coming from MGK. I’ll have some choice words to say about this guy’s last attempt at a pop-rock hit by the end of the year, probably, but at least for this song he brought on someone with some kind of legitimacy. Kellin Quinn is the frontman of post-hardcore band Sleeping with Sirens, one of the most successful bands in their genre but not one unlike others that grew out of the metalcore-infused pop rock to anything more unique or experimental. With that said, Quinn is barely here and other than Travis Barker’s typical explosive drums, MGK is the biggest presence here in his raspy but borderline unlistenable vocal tone that I just can’t stand, especially if it’s going to stretch out “run” as long and as far as he did in that longing, desperate chorus. MGK barely even lets Kellin Quinn have his own verse, registering him as backing vocals throughout the entire song, dampening his vocals that sound a lot more unique and enthused, especially when he starts screaming. That bridge did give me trancecore flashbacks – not that I’m complaining if I’m fully honest – so I’ll admit the part of me that eats up emo-pop garbage did let this grow on me a bit, but, man, without a guitar solo to distract from pretty awful lyrics (not that I’d expect much more from this artist or genre) and without really letting Quinn loose on the vocals, it’s lacking a certain grit and punch I expect from post-hardcore. The song did, however, indirectly remind me of New Found Glory, for which I am thankful for.

#53 – “I DID IT” – DJ Khaled featuring Post Malone, Megan Thee Stallion, Lil Baby and DaBaby

Produced by Ben Billions, Joe Zarrillo, DJ 360, Tay Keith and DJ Khaled

You wouldn’t expect an artist line-up like this to continue this trend of rock in this week’s new arrivals, but you’d be surprised, and personally I’m pretty happy with how much rock seems to be creeping up back into the public consciousness as if there’s one thing I got back in touch with the most over lockdown, it was the rock music I was raised on and it led to me even further appreciating a genre I had kind of lost touch with over the years out of just a lack of interest. With that said, this isn’t a rock song per se, but it does heavily and lazily sample a classic like much of this Khaled album, going for “Layla” by Derek and the Dominos. I’m not going to lie, either, it sets up a pretty effective back-bone for a trap banger about being awesome, especially with those squealing riffs in the chorus. Oh, yeah, and the mixing is horrible as expected, but to be honest to me it does not dampen the boasting, anthemic nature of this track, especially with Post Malone being a perfect choice to croon that infectious chorus. Megan Thee Stallion has a pretty embarrassingly by-the-numbers verse over a switch in the beat that makes it sound oddly stunted, but she does have that swinging rock charisma that people like Lil Baby do not have. With that said, I think I’m at the point where I eat anything Lil Baby says or does, because the flow switches combined with his frog-throat delivery is just impeccable. Content-wise, I think everyone here realises they’re being squashed by the clipping beat as they just go off about complete nonsense that goes in one ear and out the other apart from Lil Baby’s misguided but still pretty funny line about how he contemplated going vegan but sees no point in it because he’s got ten karats in both of his ears. Sure. At least DJ Khaled as something to do as he... harmonises, I guess, with Posty on the chorus. DaBaby is as distant as possible from the microphone to the point where I can barely hear him, not that it matters when his verse is that basic and short. This is kind of a trainwreck in all honesty, but with four choruses and a beat this heavy, it’s hard to be annoyed by it. Overwhelming maybe but these performers are all characters by themselves and throwing them in this three-minute chaos of squealing guitars and trap skitters just fascinates me if anything. Does it count as a posse cut? I don’t know. Either way, this is hilarious.

#5 – “Your Power” – Billie Eilish

Produced by FINNEAS

Decidedly not hilarious is this new single from Billie Eilish looking to be a smash from that upcoming album which now has a track listing and release date, with this functioning as I suppose the true lead single and her seventh top 10 here in the UK. It’s a brave choice too considering the lyrical content which is a pretty scathing attack on her ex-boyfriend and their abusive relationship, making several references to the gap in age and power dynamic that played into something really distressing for the both of them but especially a young, vulnerable Billie Eilish who found herself helpless in this relationship because of that “hero” quickly revealing himself as little more than his projected insecurities. The song’s detailed enough not to detach itself from Billie’s personal struggles but also works as what I suppose is a warning, as it’s retelling a story all too familiar with many girls of her age at the time who end up in these really scary situations. It does help that the song itself is great, relying on these layered acoustic guitars to form some kind of dejected groove behind Eilish’s vocals, whispery and cooing as always but in this case way too loud in the mix for my taste to the point where it kind of takes me out of the song as a whole. With a better master that blends her vocal take a lot better into the guitars, maybe going for a fuzzier, dream-pop angle, could work a lot better but with that said, I do understand the purpose of making it feel this intimate and minimal because Billie’s honest songwriting calls for a delivery like this, even if she ends up sounding shakier or even mumbling at times as a result. This is a big debut for Billie for a song not prepared to do as well as it did given its content and sound that is not exactly radio-friendly and oftentimes requires more heavy of a listen than a pop song would otherwise. I do love that final outro as her humming careens off the gentle guitars with just enough scratch but I do question how abrupt the ending is. Hopefully when the album’s out, we’ll have a bigger picture to as where this single in particular fits in.

Conclusion

With only five new arrivals and not much in the way of anything bad, I guess Worst of the Week goes to “Oblivion” by Royal Blood but giving a Dishonourable Mention would just end up as dishonest. Therefore, Best of the Week goes to Billie Eilish for “Your Power” but – and I cannot believe I am saying this for a 3/10 album with only fluke hits – but DJ Khaled – and Lil Baby for that matter – get a tied Honourable Mention for both of their songs, “EVERY CHANCE THAT I GET” with Lil Durk and “I DID IT” with Post Malone, Megan Thee Stallion and DaBaby. Now to distract from the fact I just did that, here’s this week’s top 10:

I can’t really make any healthy predictions for next week. Maybe we’ll get some songs from Lil Tecca, Rag’n’Bone Man or Bebe Rexha? Maybe we’ll end up with some fluke Weezer smash hit, who knows? Regardless, thank you for reading and I’ll see you next week.

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cielrouge · 5 years

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2019 YA Reads by Authors of Color

96 Words for Love by Rachel Roy - While exploring her grandmother's past at an ashram in India with her cousin Anandi, Raya finds herself and, perhaps, true love in this modern retelling of the legend of Dushyanta and Shakuntala.

After the Fall by E.C. Myers - A year after the destruction of Beacon Academy, Team CFVY answers a distress call and are forced to relive their former battles, from both the fall of Beacon and from everything that came before.

All-American Muslim Girl by Nadine Jolie Courtney - Allie Abraham has it all going for her—she's a straight-A student, with good friends and a close-knit family, and she's dating cute, popular, and sweet Wells Henderson. Only one problem: Wells's father is Jack Henderson, America's most famous conservative shock jock...and Allie hasn't told Wells that her family is Muslim.

All the Things We Never Said by Yasmin Rahman - 16-year-old Mehreen Miah's anxiety and depression has taken over her life. So, she joins MementoMori, a website that matches people and allocates them a date and method of death. When Mehreen and her new friends change their minds, the website won't let them stop, and an increasingly sinister game begins.

The Athene Protocol by Shamim Sarif - Jessie Archer is a member of the Athena Protocol, an elite organization of female spies who enact vigilante justice around the world. But after Jessie goes her rogue, her former teammates have been ordered to bring her down. Jessie must face danger from all sides if she’s to complete her mission—and survive.

Barely Missing Anything by Matt Mendez - Three Mexican-Americans--Juan, JD, and Fabi--each try to overcome their individual struggles as they all grapple with how to make a better life for themselves when it seems like brown lives don't matter.

The Beast Player by Nahoko Uehashi - An epic YA fantasy about a girl with a special power to communicate with magical beasts and the warring kingdom only she can save.

The Beautiful by Renee Ahdieh - In 19th century New Orleans where vampires hide in plain sight and a serial killer is on the loose, half-Asian Celine Rosseau, a dressmaker from Paris, becomes embroiled in a murder mystery, connected to the glamorous supernatural cohort, known as the Court of Lions, and catching the eye of their mysterious, charismatic leader, Sèbastien Saint Germain.

The Beauty of the Moment by Tanaz Bhathena - Saudi-Canadian Susan is the new girl. Malcolm is the bad boy. Susan’s parents are on the verge of divorce. Malcolm’s dad is a known adulterer. Susan hasn’t told anyone, but she wants to be an artist. Malcolm doesn’t know what he wants—until he meets her. Love is messy and families are messier, but in spite of their burdens, Susan and Malcolm fall for each other.

The Best Lies by Sarah Lyu - Remy Tsai was happy once. Remy had her boyfriend Jack, and Elise, her best friend—her soulmate. But now Jack is dead, and it was Elise who pulled the trigger. Was it self-defense? Or something deeper, darker than anything Remy could have imagined?

Black Enough: Stories of Being Young & Black in America edit. by Ibi Zoboi - A short story anthology about what it is like to be young and black, centering on the experiences of black teens and emphasizing that one person's experiences, reality, and personal identity are different than someone else.

The Boxer by Nikesh Shukla - When racial tensions are rising in the city, and when a Far Right march through Bristol turns violent, 17-year-old amateur boxer Sunny faces losing his new best friend Keir to radicalization.

Brief Chronicle of Another Stupid Heartbreak by Adi Alsaid - Teen relationship columnist Lu Charles navigates life in the wake of a devastating breakup, and her decision to chronicle the planned breakup of another couple, Cal and Iris, in the summer after they graduate from high school.

The Candle and the Flame by Nafiza Azad - Set in the city of Noor, along the Silk Road which has become a refuge for those of all faiths, Fatima becomes embroiled in a war between two clans of powerful djinn who threaten to destroy her peace in different ways, forcing her to make unlikely alliances to survive.

Caster by Elsie Chapman - In this Chinese-inspired, magical Fight Club, Earth is already at the brink of environmental disaster due to the magic overuse. And 16-year-old spell caster Aza Wu must navigate through an illegal, underground battle magic tournament, while evading local gangs and police scouts to save her family from ruin.

Children of Virtue and Vengeance (Legacy of Orïsha #2) by Tomi Adeyemi - After battling the impossible, Zélie and Amari have finally succeeded in bringing magic back to the land of Orïsha. But with civil war looming on the horizon, Zélie finds herself at a breaking point: she must discover a way to bring the kingdom together or watch as Orïsha tears itself apart.

Circle of Shadows by Evelyn Skye - Love, spies, and adventure abound as apprentic warriors Sora and Daemon unravel a complex web of magic and secrets that might tear them—and the entire kingdom—apart forever.

Color Me In by Natasha Diaz - In this coming-of-age novel, biracal Neveah learns about the meaning of friendship, the joyful beginnings of romance, and the racism and religious intolerance that can both strain a family to the breaking point and strengthen its bonds.

Color Outside the Lines edited by Sangu Madanna - A groundbreaking YA anthology explores the complexity and beauty of interracial and LGBTQ+ relationships where differences are front and center.

Dealing in Dreams by Lilliam Rivera - 16-year-old Nalah leads the fiercest all-girl crew in Mega City, but when she sets her sights on giving this life up for a prestigious home in Mega Towers, she must decide if she's willing to do the unspeakable to get what she wants.

Dear Haiti, Love Alaine by Maika & Maritza Moulite - Told in epistolary style through letters, articles, emails, and diary entries, when a school presentation goes very wrong, Haitan-American Alaine Beauparlant finds herself suspended, shipped off to Haiti, and writing the report of a lifetime.

Descendant of the Crane by Joan He - In this Chinese-inspired fantasy, Princess Hesina of Yan is thrust into power when her beloved father is murdered, and she's determined to find his killer--whatever the cost.

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The Downstairs Girl by Stacey Lee - In 1890, Atlanta, 17-year-old Jo Kuan works as a lady's maid, but by night, Jo moonlights as newspaper advice columnist "Dear Miss Sweetie." When her efforts put Jo in the crosshairs of Atlanta's most notorious criminal, she must decide whether she, a girl used to living in the shadows, is ready to step into the light

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Song of the Crimson Flower by Julie C. Dao - After cruelly rejecting Bao, the poor physician's apprentice who loves her, Lan, a wealthy nobleman's daughter, regrets her actions. After learning that Bao’s soul has been trapped inside a flute by a witch, Lan vows to make amends and help break the spell.

Soul of the Sword (Shadow of the Fox #2) by Julie Kagawa - As the paths of Yumeko and the possessed Tatsumi cross once again, the entire empire will be thrown into chaos.

Spin the Dawn by Elizabeth Lim - 17-year-old Maia Tamarin poses as a boy to compete for the role of imperial tailor, and embarks on an impossible journey to sew three magic dresses, from the sun, the moon, and the stars, with help from the mysterious court magician, Edan.

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Symptoms of a Heartbreak by Sonia Charaipotra - The youngest doctor in America, Indian-American teen Saira makes her rounds―and falls head over heels in this romantic comedy.

Tell Me How You Really Feel by Aminah Mae Safi - Sana Khan and Rachel Recht, on opposite sides of the social scale must work together to make a movie and try very hard not to fall in love.

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A Thousand Fires by Shannon Price - In modern-day San Francisco where three gangs rule the city streets, half-Filipina teen Valerie Simons enters the Red Bridge Wars to seek vengeance for her younger brother's death, but soon finds herself torn between old love and new loyalty.

The Tiger at Midnight by Swati Teerdhala - In ancient India, soldier Kunal hunts the “Viper,” rebel girl Esha accused of killing his General, embarking on a dangerous cat and mouse game and where both must decide—loyalty to their old lives or to a love that's made them dream of new ones.

Truly, Madly, Royally by Debbie Riguad - When Prince Owen invites Zora Emerson to be his date at his big brother's big royal wedding, Zora is suddenly thrust into the spotlight, along with her family and friends.

The Universal Laws of Marco by Carmen Rodrigues - Told through the lens of a guy in love with the cosmos (and maybe two girls), this story explores the complicated histories that bring us together and tear us apart.

Virtually Yours by Sarvenz Tash - NYU freshman Mariam Vakilian tries out a virtual reality dating app, only to be matched up with the high school ex she's still not over. Mariam’s heart is telling her one thing, but the app is telling her another. So, which should she trust? Is all fair in modern love?

The Voice in My Head by Dana L. Davis - When a sequence of wrenching secrets detonates, Indigo must figure out how to come to terms with her twin sister Violet, her family…and the voice in her head.

War Girls by Tochi Onyebuchi - Set in a futuristic, Black Panther-inspired Nigeria, sisters Onyii and Ify, separated by a devastating civil war, must fight their way back to each other against all odds.

Watch Us Rise by Renee Watson & Ellen Hagan - Jasmine and Chelsea start a Women's Rights Club and soon go viral. But with such positive support, the club is also targeted by online trolls. When things escalate, the principal shuts the club down. Jasmine and Chelsea will risk everything for their voices—and those of other young women—to be heard.

What Makes You Beautiful by Bridget Liang - Encouraged and supported by his friends at school, Logan begins questioning his gender. Realizing they are not a gay boy, but a transgender girl, Logan asks for people to call them Veronica. As a girl, does Veronica stand a chance with straight boy Kyle?

We Hunt the Flame by Hafsah Faizal - In a world inspired by ancient Arabia, 17-year-old huntress Zafira must disguise herself as a man to seek a lost artifact that could return magic to her cursed world.

We Set the Dark on Fire by Tehlor Kay Mejia - Set at the Medio School for Girls, where young women are trained to become one of two wives assigned to high society men; with revolution brewing in the streets, star student Daniela Vargas fights to protect a destructive secret, sending her into the arms of the most dangerous person possible—the second wife of her husband-to-be.

The Weight of Our Sky by Hanna Alkaf - A music-loving teen with OCD does everything she can to find her way back to her mother during the historic race riots in 1969 Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia.

When the Stars Lead to You by Ronni Davis - 18-year-old Devon longs for two things.The stars. And the boy she fell in love with last summer. Senior year, Ashton shows up on the first day of school. Can she forgive him and open her heart again? Or are they doomed to repeat history?

Wicked Fox by Kat Cho - After 18-year-old Miyoung Gu, a nine-tailed fox surviving in modern-day Seoul by eating the souls of evil men, kills a murderous goblin to save Jihoon, she is forced to choose between her immortal life and his.

With the Fire on High by Elizabeth Acevedo - With her daughter to care for and her abuela to help support, high school senior and aspiring chef Emoni Santiago has to make the tough decisions. But even with all the rules she has for her life — and all the rules everyone expects her to play by — once Emoni starts cooking, her only real choice is to let her talent break free.

You Must Be Layla by Yasmin Abdel-Magied - Layla's mind goes a million miles a minute, so does her mouth. Despite the setback of a high school suspension, Layla's determined to show everyone that she does deserve her scholarship and sets her sights on winning a big invention competition. But where to begin? Looking outside and in, Layla will need to come to terms with who she is and who she wants to be if she has any chance of succeeding.

#authors of color #book recommendations #yalit #women of color authors #AWW YISSS IT'S MY FAVORITE TIME OF THE YEAR AGAIN!!!

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ronninoir · 4 years

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Can I Steal You for a Second? CH1

Summary: Adrien is forced to participate in a new dating show, but becomes more excited when Ladybug says she'll participate as her civilian self. AKA: AU where Adrien doesn't know Marinette, the superheroes are 22 and Gabriel is mean and ruthless but not Hawkmoth.

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Chapter 1

Ladybug knew something was wrong with Chat the minute she stepped onto the rooftop where they had agreed to meet for patrol. He didn’t look up when she landed, even though she knew that he had heard her. She slowly walked towards him and decided that she wouldn’t push... for now. As she sat next to him, she began to count. By the time she reached 100, her patience had run thin and she was determined to break the silence.

“Hey, Kitty, feline a little quiet tonight?” Although she despised his constant use of cat puns, she figured the use of one would help break him out of his stupor. She glanced at Chat, expecting a smile and a witty comeback to come from him, but instead she was treated to sad kitty eyes and a look that broke something inside of her. Her voice came out barely as a whisper, “Chat, what’s wrong?”

Chat stared intently into Ladybug’s eyes. After a beat, he sighed. “It’s no big deal,” he shrugged it off, or tried to. But Ladybug was insistent. She locked eyes with him and scooted closer, and gave him a look saying that she didn’t believe him. He sighed before whispering, “Well, it actually is a big deal.” He took a breath, closed his eyes, and then continued on, “They—I—my father is forcing me to do something and I just—I just am not looking forward to going through with it.” Chat broke eye contact with Ladybug, but she moved her hand to his shoulder. He leaned into it absentmindedly.

“Chat, you know you can tell me anything,” She said with a soft smile. They were partners after all. She would be there for him through anything.

He slowly looked up at her again, this time the pain and hurt in his eyes evident. “Even... even if it reveals my identity?”

Ladybug paused a little, processing that information. She knew that Chat was homeschooled and that she most likely didn’t know him in real life. But is she really ready to learn who her precious kitty is behind the mask? She’s loved Chat for 7 years (as more than friends for 5) so she knew deep down that his identity didn’t matter to her. The reason they hadn’t revealed themselves yet was because of Hawkmoth. He was just as strong as ever and the two superheroes needed to trust each other with everything, to a certain point. Safety is important when fighting someone like Hawkmoth. If one of them was captured... just the thought made Ladybug shiver and her heart strain. She couldn’t do that to her kitty.

But... if she knew his identity, she could help him through this... thing that he was going through. Truthfully, she was curious, both about his problem and his identity. She was Ladybug, and Ladybugs fixed problems, fought hard battles, and supported their team—their partner— through it all. There were many different times that during high school, Chat was all that kept her going, and she would love to return the favor.

Slowly, the words came out of her mouth before she even realized it.

“Yes, Chaton, even if it reveals your identity.” He looked at her stunned, before a genuine smile split across his face. That look made the potential problems worth it.

“My father is forcing me to ‘branch out’ for the company and complete a publicity stunt. There is this reality show that is really popular in America that they are shooting a season of here in Paris. They want me to be the star, since my fans are numerous and should be a good starting point of a fanbase for the show.” Ladybug started a little upon hearing that Chat has fans outside of the suit. She had expected him to be normal, just like her. Her mind started racing, trying to figure out what he was going to say before he said it.

Chat pauses and took a deep breath, looking extremely nervous about the next part of his explanation. He looked at her in a way that encouraged her line of thinking; she should know what he was talking about. Thinking that her brain must have shut down for some reason, she tilted her head slightly as she could feel her face scrunch in a half confused-half thinking face.

“What show is it?” aiming for innocence even though her voice shook and so she didn’t sell it very well. The only thing she can think of is the new reality show that Gabriel Agreste (only the most talented fashion designer in Paris and a huge idol to Ladybug) is doing to promote his line. But that can’t be it... can it? She couldn’t remember the details of the show, except that it involved one boy and a lot of girls. In fact, if she remembered correctly, the boy was going to be Gabriel’s son, Adrien. He models sometimes and is very good-looking, but that can’t possibly be...

Ladybug gasped a little and looked up at Chat, seeing him in a new light. She had admired his pictures for a long time and this cat-themed superhero sitting in front of her looked a whole lot like Adrien. If the hair was styled and his eyes were not of the cat variety.

“The show is called The Bachelor.” Chat continued on, not noticing the way that Ladybug was staring at him. “They take one guy and thirty girls and he takes them on dates and week by week has to narrow it down to just one girl that he loves and he is supposed to propose to that girl at the end of the show.” Chat explains with a slight rise to his voice. It’s as though he’s freaking out about the whole thing and is having trouble getting the words out. Of course, Ladybug realizes, that is exactly what he’s doing. He stares at her, trying to get a read on how she’s taking it all, and so Ladybug pastes on a smile and says the first thing that comes to mind.

“You’re Adrien Agreste.” It didn’t come out as a scream, so Ladybug gave herself a mental pat-on-the-back for maintaining part of her composure.

Chat nods and then gives a slight murmur of, “Plagg, claws in.” With a flash of green light, Adrien is sitting where Chat once was and a little black creature has flown into Ladybug’s face.

“That didn’t take you long after he spelled it out for you. You’ve been working with this doofus for SEVEN WHOLE YEARS and yet you couldn’t spell it out?” The black kwami, who was super adorable, by the way, was flying around waving his little paws and getting all worked up. The whole thing, from Adrien being Chat and being chewed out by a kwami who was VERY different from Tikki, was just so absurd, she couldn’t help but laugh.

“You must be Plagg!” Ladybug said between giggles as she guided Plagg to sit in her hands. “Tikki told me lots about you, but I didn’t know you’d be so feisty when I got to meet you.”

Plagg crossed his arms and gave her a disdainful look, “Well I haven’t had any cheese in a while and I get cranky when I’m hungry.” Ladybug laughed again as Adrien sputtered from where he sat. His mouth was hanging open and his eyes were huge. Clearly, he didn’t think Plagg would be so mean to Ladybug when he first met her.

“Plagg! I fed you right before we left!”

But his comment wasn’t heard over Ladybug’s laughs as she rubbed Plagg’s belly and behind his ears. “Has the mean Adrien not given you any cheese lately?” Ladybug said in a joking voice. Plagg gave her some kitty eyes and shook his head woefully. “Well I’m sorry I don’t have any cheese on me, but I promise, I’ll always come stocked with cheese from now on.”

Plagg flew up and gave Ladybug a look. He must have decided that she was trustworthy, because then he turned to Adrien and declared, “I like her. She cares about me and my cheese needs. You should be more like her.”

Adrien blanched and Ladybug began laughing again. That seemed to shock Adrien back into the present and he quickly spat out, “Well, she’d be less willing to give you cheese if she had to put up with smelling like Camembert all of the time!” At that comment, Plagg stuck out his tongue at Adrien and then dove into his shirt pocket and out of sight.

Ladybug was smiling like an idiot. Why hadn’t they revealed themselves earlier? This was a blast and Adrien was all Ladybug could have hoped for in a partner. Suddenly, the reason that he HAD revealed himself came back to her and her smile quickly faded.

“So, you’re going to have to do this show.” Adrien looked up at her and his expression was wary again. “What are you going to have to do?”

“I have to get to know a pool of 30 women and narrow down my choices until I find one that I can see myself spending the rest of my life with. My dad thinks that it is going to be good for the company if I do this. Plus, I think he wants me married off and this is a sure-fire way of doing it, at least in his mind.”

That all made sense, but there was one big thing that had never seemed clear to her, “What does your dad gain from this show? How would a dating show help a fashion designer?”

Adrien smiled a little at that. “It’s actually kind of brilliant. So, my dad is partially funding the show, so he has a lot of say in what happens. In the American version, they bring their own clothes and such and just go about the show. My father has decided that every girl will wear a Gabriel original, whether that’s formal wear, casual wear, even swimsuits, at all times during the filming. It’s virtually going to be an extended runway show. Everyone will tune in for the idea of watching me fall in love, but will actually fall in love with the fashion.”

Ladybug had to give Gabriel some credit, that was a great marketing idea. Although at the expense of his son...

“Does he really expect you to fall for the person you’re going to marry on this show? That seems a little crazy, and you’re only 22.”

Adrien’s eyes dropped from Ladybug’s and his hand went up to rub the back of his neck. A slow blush began to cross his checks, and Ladybug hated to admit it, but he looked really cute like that. “I was furious when he told me, but he made me a promise. If I would go about the show, play through it like I’m supposed to, and stay engaged after the show for six-months, then I’m allowed to break it off and pursue someone on my own.”

“Wouldn’t that leave a bad reputation for the show? Surely your father doesn’t want that.”

“He doesn’t. But the American version very rarely comes up with successful relationships, so he’s willing to let the show end badly if it promotes Gabriel Fashions well enough.” Adrien shrugged and smiled. “As long as I get to make the decisions about my love life, I’ll be okay.”

Ladybug smiled at that, but it began her mind whirring. What kind of Ladybug would she be if she let him go through with this. They were two halves of a whole, or at least that’s what Tikki kept telling her. She loved him as more than a friend and the thought of sitting back and watching him serial date girls made her stomach twist.

“Are you actually going to try to date these girls? Like actually get to know them and what-not?”

Adrien’s face twisted in thought, “Well, I’ve considered it, but I have a feeling that the girl I love won’t be playing with me. It’s a shame really. Especially since she has to stay here and protect Paris while I’m gone.” There was a twinkle in his eye that made Ladybug’s stomach flutter with butterflies—and the non-akuma kind at that. Chat had always flirted with Ladybug, but she never took him seriously even if she really really wanted it to be real.

Suddenly, a thought, one so wild and out-there Tikki would never go for it, came. It was an idea that could actually work, if she played it right.

A playful smirk grew on her face and her heart began to race. “What if she was?”

His shocked expression was enough to make the shaming she was going to get from Tikki later worth it. “Would you really?” Then, after a beat, his face fell. “You can’t. You have to stay here and protect Paris. What if an akuma comes up? Who’s going to fight it?”

“We are silly! You don’t expect me to be Ladybug and Chat Noir without my kitty, do you? The show is only shooting in Paris, right?” She thought she had heard that mentioned, but she wasn’t as invested when the topic first came up.

The cogs were turning as he responded, “Yeah we are.”

“Then that settles it. I’ll apply to be a contestant, you’ll escape away and help me fight akumas and possibly patrol once a week, and then we won’t have to stop being a team.” And I’ll have a chance to go on a proper date with you and we’ll fall in love and get married and have three kids and....

Her thoughts were interrupted by a bone crushing hug from Adrien. “Thank you so much! It won’t be as bad with you there.” When they pulled away, the smile on Ladybug’s face wasn’t forced.

“C’mon kitty, let’s start patrol.” She shot him a wink and stood. She gave him about 10 seconds to transform before she sprinted off into the night.

~~Let me know what you think! I’m excited to see where this goes

#ml fanfic #ML #MLB #ml fic #ml ladynoir #ml ladrien #ml ladybug #ml chat noir #can i steal you for a second #ml bachlelor au #ml au #the bachelor #bachelor! Adrien #hope y'all like this #let me know what y'all think

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anthearose · 4 years

Photo

B A S I C

NAME: anthea rose thomas

NICKNAME(S): thea

AGE: 25

DATE OF BIRTH: 26 april 1995

GENDER: genderfluid

PRONOUNS: she/her but doesn’t mind they/them

F A M I L Y

MOTHER: dawn eddwards

FATHER: richard thomas

SIBLING(S): unknown

P H Y S I C A L

FACE CLAIM: cara delevingne

RACE/ETHNICITY: english, welsh,

NATIONALITY: english, has american citizenship

HEIGHT: 5 feet and six inches (5′6)

WEIGHT: 112 lbs

BUILD: slender, toned

SCARS: inside of arms from drug taking

HAIR: dirty blonde, medium length

EYE COLOR: blue

DOMINANT HAND: right

ACCENT: english

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES: none

MENTAL DISABILITIES: none

ALLERGIES: nuts

DISORDERS: none

FASHION: wears mostly black, has a ‘grunge’ style

NERVOUS TICS: lip biting

L I F E S T Y L E

HOME ADDRESS: evergreen dock, somerton, maine

RESIDES: small two bedroom apartment with roommate layla ferguson

BORN: london, england

RAISED: london, england

VEHICLE: chevy silverado, black

PHONE: iphone 11

LAPTOP/COMPUTER: macbook pro

PET(S): none

HIGH SCHOOL EDUCATION: dropped out at 16, sat ged aged 20

COLLEGE EDUCATION: none

MAJOR: none

MINOR: none

CAREER: exotic dancer

EMPLOYER: dark sensations strip club

DIET: vegan

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: panromantic

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: pansexual

MARITAL STATUS: single

CHILDREN: none

LANGUAGES: english

PHOBIAS: isolation, enclosed spaces

HOBBIES: video games, guitar, reading

SOCIAL MEDIA: uses twitter and onlyfans mostly

F A V O R I T E

LOCATION: the beach

VIDEO GAME: call of duty, left 4 dead, gta v, mario kart (she will fight dirty)

MUSIC: varying, listens to a lot of rock music

SONG: rebel rebel - david bowie

TV SHOWS: friends, stranger things, how to get away with murder

MOVIES: labyrinth, the shining

FOOD: everything

COLOR: she’ll swear its black but it’s actually pink

C H A R A C T E R

MORAL ALIGNMENT: chaotic good

MBTI: enfp-a, the campaigner

ENNEGRAM: seven

TEMPERAMENT: sanguine

WESTERN ZODIAC: taurus

CHINESE ZODIAC: pig

PRIMAL SIGN: wombat

B I O G R A P H Y

tw for non-con & underage sex, prostitution, drugs and violence

Born and raised in the bustling city of London, Anthea, or Thea as she preferred, never really had it easy. Her father had left her mother long ago, only keeping in contact with his daughter through the occasional letter and birthday card. He lived in America and as Thea understood, he had some big fancy job with a large company. Thea always daydreamed about the day her father would burst through the door, scoop her up and rescue her from her miserable life. She dreamed of what it’d be like to live with him in his home and not have to worry about where her next meal was coming from. Of course, that never happened. Her mother was barely home, always out looking for ways to fuel her various addictions. It usually meant prostituting herself and for a long as Thea could remember, her mother would bring strange men home and be locked in her bedroom for hours at a time.

It didn’t take long for her to work out what was going on - by the time she was seven, Thea understood, especially when the men made advances towards her. But she knew how to look after herself, even at that age and every time they tried, she either replied with a biting comment or, more often than not, a sharp slap to the face. It was usually enough to get rid of them and send them sulking back to her mother so they could pay what she was owed before taking their leave.

Despite her unconventional home life, Thea got by. She often stole from local supermarkets to get the things she needed, but she cooked her own meals and appreciated the roof over her head. She wouldn’t say she was happy but she survived. Her mother spent her days sleeping with people for money or getting high in their tiny apartment.

When she was fourteen, her life changed. Her mother pulled her from school and gave her an outfit to change into before taking her to an apartment block she’d never been to. Thea was frightened, told her mother she wanted to go home but she was only led into a grimy apartment by a group of unfamiliar men while her mother waited outside. She heard her daughter’s pleas and cries for help but did nothing to stop what was happening. It was only when there was a fat wad of money in her hands that she took Thea out of the apartment and brought her home, telling her this was her life now. She told her Thea would have to get used to it or starve because she was leaving.

And just like that Thea was left alone, fourteen years old, no money and no job.

She was able to contact her father after several weeks. He immediately flew her to America, had her sign some forms she didn’t really understand, and told her she’d be living with him from now on. She was enrolled at a local high school and told to keep quiet about what happened in England. She didn’t understand why, not really, but made sure not to tell anyone. She kept her head down as much as she could. Life with her father wasn’t quite what she’d expected either. His job was different to what she’d imagined when she was younger. He didn’t work in a fancy office, he worked from home and had several people coming and going, purchasing things from him for a large amount of money at a time. It only took her a few weeks to realise her father, the man she’d always imagined would be her hero, a knight in shining armour, was a drug dealer. And an addict himself.

Thea stopped paying attention in school and in just two years since she moved to America, she was more depressed than ever. She dropped out of high school, even started taking drugs herself and fell in with what could be considered the wrong crowd. Maybe this was what she was destined to be. Maybe this was all there was for her. When her father was arrested for dealing drugs, she was placed in foster care. That had only lasted a couple of weeks before she ran away. Selling her body wasn’t really something she ever intended on doing but it was the only way she could get by. She had no education, no money and needed to do something. It was all she had left, the only thing she had any experience in. Granted, she hadn’t exactly been a willing participant back then and her mother had gotten the money, but it had happened. Thea had nothing left to lose.

She began to sell her body for sex. Thea hated every minute of it, but it paid. She had enough to rent a tiny apartment in an unpleasant neighbourhood, but it was hers. Sure, she still was hooked on drugs but she got by. It continued like that for several months when she was approached by a different sort of man. The people she usually slept with were often older, other addicts she was sure, and just looking for five minutes of fun. But this one was different - younger, kinder.

Thea didn’t trust him immediately. She had been looking after herself for as long as she could remember and her previous experiences told her men only wanted one thing. But she went back to his hotel room, unable to turn down the amount of money he was offering her. Thea was even more surprised when the young man didn’t immediately want her body and offered her food and a glass of wine.

She learned his name was Anthony and he told her he was planning on opening up a new business, a brothel of sorts. It was going to be legitimate, according to him, although not entirely legal and all of “his girls” would be well looked after. At first, Thea refused. She wasn’t stupid and she wasn’t prepared to put her life in danger for some fantasy that sounded far too good to be true. If she accepted she had no doubt she’d be trafficked and sold on the black market for unspeakable things.

As time went on, the man continued to visit Thea and slowly gained her trust. She met with someone who already worked for Anthony several times too and in a matter of weeks, she accepted his offer. Without a glance back, Thea left and moved across the country to work. Anthony helped her get off the drugs, showed her what there was to actually live for, and her life changed. Her every need was catered for - her new home was the brothel itself and rent came straight from her earnings. All her groceries were provided for her and she was able to decorate her personal quarters however she pleased.

Usually Thea was fine when working. Most men just wanted a quick fuck and they didn’t care about anything else. Some of her clients wanted more unconventional things but Thea didn’t shy away from these, knowing they earned her more money. She didn’t care though - sex was just sex to her, and it paid. For the next three years, Thea lived and worked in Anthony’s brothel. Her regular clients bought expensive gifts, the brothel itself had armed security for the safety of the workers. It was the perfect job.

Well, almost.

Thea had one problem, and that was in the three years she’d been there, she’d fallen in love with Anthony. It was an unspoken rule in the business - don’t fall for the boss. He had a girlfriend, Courtney, but she rarely visited the brothel. She didn’t like to associate herself with the girls who worked there, which was just fine with Thea. She kept her feelings to herself and thought everything would be fine. She was usually the one who brought Anthony his morning coffee but on one particular morning, things were different. She noticed he seemed tense and was pacing back and forth in his office. There was something about his expression that had Thea stopping in her tracks. She was almost frightened. But then he’d stopped and grabbed her, holding her against the closest wall to kiss her.

This was everything she’d ever wanted and Thea gave herself to him easily. She wasn’t naive and didn’t really believe in happy endings but there had always been a part of her that had hoped Anthony would somehow realise her feelings for him and return them. Thea had fallen head-over-heels in love with him and had hoped he would get her out of the prostitution game for good. She didn’t want to sell her body anymore, not now she knew Anthony wanted her. Maybe she could help him run the brothel. She was nineteen and she knew the business well enough, right?

Wrong.

That night it was like it’d never even happened. Anthony didn’t look at her when he told Thea her clients were arriving. She was still in his bed and here he was, telling her to return to her room so she could work. Thea was confused but she assumed maybe it was due to Anthony’s relationship with Courtney. He couldn’t let anything be too obvious, right? Not if he was still in it, and maybe he was looking for a way of ending things with her before he swept Thea off her feet. She’d just have to wait.

What Thea didn’t know was that Anthony had been filming for weeks. He filmed the two of them in bed together, filmed Thea with her various clients and posted the entire thing on the internet. It wasn’t until one night, while she was with a client, that she found out. Courtney had burst in, grabbed Thea’s hair and pulled her straight off the bed, uncaring that she was naked. Thea was thrown against the wall and Courtney screamed at her. It was like she was throwing every insult under the sun at her.

Thea couldn’t remember much of the attack. Only that her client had left quickly and that when she woke, everything ached. Thea was still in her room, still naked, and beaten black and blue. She’d pulled on her robe and staggered to Anthony’s office to seek help. The sight that greeted her when she got there nearly made her throw up - Anthony taking Courtney on his couch, much like he had with Thea just the day before. They were celebrating something and when they saw Thea, both started laughing at the sight of her.

Thea learned of the videos Anthony had secretly taken and that the whole thing had been a set up. Courtney had learned of Thea’s feelings for him and together they had hatched a plan of revenge. Anthony had seduced her, recorded everything and uploaded it to the internet. The second attack was worse than the first. Thea wasn’t sure if it was because she was already so injured or whether it was because Anthony joined in. She’d blacked out at some point and this time when she woke up, she was in an unfamiliar alleyway, her belongings in a battered box beside her.

She was in hospital for several weeks recovering. Unemployed and now homeless, Thea knew she had to do something. She wouldn’t go back to that life. She wasn’t sure she’d survive a second time. So she left, moving from town to town, doing odd jobs here and there, stealing food to survive once again. She reached the small town of Somerton in Maine just before her 20th birthday and got a job at the local strip club. Although how she got the job, she wasn’t quite sure. In her interview she had been exhausted, fed up with rejection after rejection and when she was asked the typical “Why do you want to work here?” she had been a little too honest. She told the interviewer she had worked as a prostitute since she was sixteen and knew what it was like to be at rock bottom so if she could just serve drinks to the customers here, she’d be thankful because at least she wouldn’t feel disgusted with herself.

Somehow, it had landed her the job. For the first couple of months she served drinks behind the bar but she got to know everyone who worked at the club well. It wasn’t until one of the dancers told her that they were in complete control she began to think about what it’d be like to be one of them. She had been exploited for years and some may say this job was no different. But Thea saw it a different way - she was safe here, she knew that. And if these random men wanted to give her hundreds of dollars just for showing her body and dancing in skimpy outfits, then she’d argue they were really the ones being exploited. Not her.

That was how she got to where she was now. Five years had passed since she arrived in Somerton and she was settled. She had an apartment right on the coast, a roommate that she liked hanging out with and a job where she was in complete control. No one pulled the strings behind the scenes, no one was controlling her or took a cut of her money. She was safe, she was happy and Thea could only look forwards.

#about: thea #biography #somertonintro

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queenerdloser · 4 years

Text

so i’m going to type this out so i can hopefully purge it out of my memory & because there’s no better audience than.a bunch of strangers on the internet. tw for some gross conservative opinions i guess.

so quick context; my step-dad is a hardline conservative and my mom has basically swallowed his bullshit hook line and sinker. they are, both of them, extremely inflexible when it comes to their opinions and very unwilling to listen to anyone who disagrees with them. i’m living temporarily in their apartment since i just moved back into the country.

so they came home tonight for the first time since i arrived back from japan and we were having dinner. i brought up that my sister wanted to take a trip since kids are doing online schooling here, which my step-dad immediately jumped on how it was not good and my mom started in on how it was so terrible for kids and how “they” want to bring down education and how the entire situation right now somehow reminded her of fahrenheit 451. when i asked who the hell the “they” was, it became an increasingly convoluted rant about the oppressive government that is somehow restricting american freedom bc they might require everyone to have a corona vaccine... which my step-dad, with all seriousness, thinks could contain a microchip to monitor the population.

so i point out how insane this entire reasoning is (when asked why he thinks this, he basically just said “well BILL GATES backed a vaccine and he’s the ceo of microsoft!! so!!” and i was like ??? is that a logical argument or?? i mean i’m no bill gates fan but that’s a hell of a fucking leap to make) they turned around and started waxing on about how america was founded on FREEDOM (and i use all caps bc that’s literally how they talked about it). when i, again, pointed out that at america’s founding it was actually just freedom for white men, my step-dad was like “well that doesn’t matter!! are you telling me bc some people didnt have freedom it’s okay to take away my freedom now?” and my mom was in the background literally screaming at me about how i need to have loyalty to my country and how it’s written in the constitution that you have to be loyal or you can’t be a citizen (which is uh... very not true unless i’m misremembering the constitution) and i should just leave the country if i hated it so much. when i explained that being critical of my country is very different from being an actual traitor, she just kept repeating that i needed to be loyal and then couldn’t fucking explain at all what being “disloyal” meant.

(also they brought up how the protestors were trying to change the country and they shouldn’t be allowed to do that and when i was like “uh actually we have changed the country many times over. the founding fathers changed their country!!” my step-dad and mom were both yelling about how, actually, the founding fathers created a country as if they didn’t do it in direct opposition to the british and a big old fuck you to their mother country. my parents are both die-hard founding fathers supporters so i didn’t bring up the whole “i mean they were wealthy white slave owners so can we stop idolizing them” argument either - wouldn’t have been worth it.)

meanwhile my literally insane step-father is going on and on about how people die everyday so the government shouldn’t require a corona vaccine - it’s people’s own lives they’re putting at risk (ignoring, of course, that by contracting the disease without a vaccine they risk further spread through vulnerable populations that can’t be vaccinated for health reasons a la the return of the measles). i told him it was beyond disrespectful to people suffering from corona and the thousands who’ve died from it to diminish it to some bullshit “well people die everyday” argument and he scoffed and told me it didn’t matter bc more people died from car accidents than corona. (which, when i checked later, is also very much not true lmao)

okay, i pointed out, but there are regulations in place to make cars safer and lesson accidents, right? he then somehow made the very insane leap that the government has no right to require people to wear their seatbelts because the choice to not wear a seatbelt and endanger your own life should be entirely up to you and that it’s somehow a restriction of freedom to make it illegal to not wear your seatbelt. i didn’t say this at the time but now i’m thinking that i probably should have brought up that people regularly choose to flout this law anyway, it’s not a jail-able offense, and most of the time cops do not run people down for not wearing a seatbelt - so it’s a fucking moot point, bc it’s a law we regard as cavalierly as jaywalking. and not wearing a seatbelt and getting into an accident can cause other people to die or make things worse for other people in your car. and.... like yeah, i really DON’T care if the govt decides to create regulations that are designed to decrease loss of life even should someone decide they want to lose their life. saying “oh well someone should have the right to choose to risk their lives without that damn government interference” is a very wild argument. like sorry the govt wants you to stay safe and alive in your car, i guess??? how dare they try to lessen the loss of life and set regulations for drivers and car companies to follow?????????

anyway, this then completely unravels into me bringing up again that i explicitly don’t trust trump’s government with how they handle the virus & our real concern should be big pharma jacking up vaccine costs just bc they can and my step-dad went on a long diatribe about how vaccine research costs money and it’s totally cool if they decide to make the vaccine itself 3x the production costs. when i brought up (stupidly) that i thought the vaccine should actually be free if the govt is really going to require everyone to take it, he basically exploded and went on a long gibbering rant about how could i expect anyone to do anything for free, we might as well let everyone do their job for free! who’s going to pay for it? was repeated over and over again. he brought up free education and was not happy when i explained that i was very fine with my taxes going to paying for free education instead of military expenses.

finally, the icing on this very shitty hour of my life was my mom trying to tell me with all seriousness that trump is not an idiot, that i should respect him for being a “financial wizard” (literally her words!!!) and that i can’t criticize or disrespect him bc he’s a president. when i pointed out that a) i didn’t vote for him so i don’t actually acknowledge him as “my” president and b) that’s fucking insane, she started in how she didn’t “raise me this way” and that, once again, I was being disloyal to my country, that i was clearly uneducated and didn’t know anything about american history, and that i was being brainwashed and overtaken by propaganda. (when i told her flatout that the only one being brainwashed and overtaken by propaganda was her, she was also not happy.)

i brought up how trump wants to try to delay the election - my step-dad scoffed and asked where i got my information. the news, i said, bc i read the article from the bbc. THE NEWS? he said with complete disbelief. YOU CAN’T BELIEVE ANYTHING YOU HEAR IN THE NEWS. okay, i said with increasing disbelief that this was my life. well then how do you get your information? my mom chimes in with a hysterical: FROM MY GUT.

(i told my step-dad i read a variety of news articles and he told me he does too, but then he went on about how i apparently read the “wrong” news bc i happen to disagree with all of his insane arguments.)

i pointed out that i might like trump more if he was at all competent, compassionate, interested in doing his job, and not sexist, racist, and homophobic. my step-dad, completely unwilling to entertain the idea that he might be wrong, scoffed and said that trump wasn’t racist. okay, i said with the increasing desire to murder something. how is that something you can possibly say. my step-dad goes on to smugly assure me that someone who hires black people can’t be racist, actually. unsure of how to even begin dismantling this mind-numbingly bad logic, i countered with the assertion that trump has been openly racist on many platforms. my step-dad and my mom turned towards talking about how “noticing someone’s race isn’t racist!” and “isn’t your bias against white people actually racist?” and that’s when i fucking lost it, grabbed my keys and my phone and ran out of the apartment to go have a fucking panic attack in the fucking backyard.

this was like an hour. my mom was screaming at me for like half of it and my step-dad was yelling and they constantly kept fucking talking over me and going round and fucking round in circles or making nonsensical general statements (”money doesn’t grow on trees!” “what about FREEDOM?” “loyalty is everything!” and so on). there was a literal comparison of being required to take a vaccine to nazi fucking germany. (my step-dad, clearly displaying how little he thinks of my intelligence, had the gall to try to “explain” to me that they killed jewish people during nazi germany. yeah dude. i learned that in fucking elementary school. i’m aware.) i was told that i was “too young” to understand what i was talking about, that i had no critical thinking skills, that my criticism of my country was treasonous and that i should just leave if i didn’t want to be here.

i left for two hours. i’m still shaking bc i had a panic attack & then several smaller attacks while i was walking around my neighborhood trying to figure out if i should disappear until they went to sleep and how the hell i’m going to stay in their household until september, where i thankfully have alternate housing lined up. my mom just came into my room all remorseful, trying to get me to tell her where i was and apologizing in a way that didn’t actually apologize at all (”i’m sorry for what happened” she said, not all enunciating that she’s sorry for yelling at me, calling me names, undermining my critical thought, and basically being an all-out fanatical asshole for no imaginable reason. “and on our first night together, too!” she added, as if this happened somehow out of her control.)

i knew that living with them would be uncomfortable but i seriously had no idea that i would be standing there, making jokes and trying to calmly explain myself in the face of their loud vitriol. like. i wasn’t yelling! i think the only time i even snapped at them was when they tried to cut me off when i was talking. i tried to crack wise, to get them to see the utter ridiculousness they were spouting and yet!! they were both so violently, fanatically angry at me for just like... not thinking america is the greatest country in the world. not thinking trump is actually a good president. not agreeing that a corona vaccine is actually a secret ploy to microchip people for the oppressive government.

i left panic behind an hour ago & have crossed steadily over into anger but the fact is that if i have to have another “conversation” like that with them i will lose it entirely and i don’t know how i can live in this house and somehow do the mental gymnastics to avoid all “taboo” subjects. my mom clearly wants to pretend it didn’t happen, which is honestly her m.o. whenever we fight, but how the fuck am i supposed to forget her calling me a traitor and ranting at me about how uneducated and dimwitted i am?

god. i’ll probably delete this, but i needed to lay it all out. in case anyone was wondering YES people who think this utter bullshit do exist and apparently i’m so blessed i get to have one of them as my own fucking mother.

#liveblogging life #i dont want to be here anymore and i wish i had never left japan! this is so great and fun!#i think tomorrow i'm going to disappear to a coffee shop as soon as i wake up #i'll take the risk of being in a public space over my mother #thankfully i'm going up north on weds with my sister and staying up there for most of august #and then i'm house-sitting for one of my sister's friends for most of september #and with any luck i'll find an apartment of my own for october.... so i hopefully never have to live with these fucking people again

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