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vicsuragi · 2 years

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content warnings: parent death, infant death

stede's never questioned why he isn't like other boys.

his mother died when he was born, leaving his father with the option of either remarrying and attempting to have a real son, or simply dressing up the tiny, writhing girl in his arms as a boy and getting the physician to document that the child born to edward and sarah bonnet was a male. sure, it would have been easy to remarry, but it's also easy to keep the servants who wash and dress the child quiet in regards to what parts he has.

so, he grows up being called stede, he is dressed like a boy, he is sent to school with other boys, and he is treated like a boy by his father, who does not spare him from the gory parts of life in some attempt to make sure he does not grow up soft like the other boys of his social standing. of course, they are only soft in that they will never be expected to partake in hard labor, not in the way that stede is soft. stede doesn't play like the other boys, he doesn't like their rough games, he prefers to pick flowers and read and write. he's everything that his father didn't want in a son. the children are all aware that there is something different about stede bonnet, that he isn't like them, but they aren't sure what it is about him that's so different. of course, the harassment doesn't stop, they quite enjoy having a punching bag like stede, and this continues into his teenhood. stede comes to not trust other men after this.

stede suspects that he may be different when he sees other boys with their shirts off, their chests built differently than his own, but he has no reason to believe that he isn't like them. he has no reason to believe this when he learns what men have between their legs, or when blood begins to leak from between his every month, or when his body develops curves that his peers don't have. to the other boys, he's just fat, that's why his body looks strange in his clothes, and the layer of fat he develops distracts from his chest and his hips, and he doesn't have to think about it again.

(stede becomes faintly aware of anatomy during his studies, but not enough where he questions himself. he was raised a boy, and he's quickly developing into a man. that's all there is to it.)

once he's finished his studies, he is arranged to wed mary allamby, who, according to his father and her mother, is in "a similar boat" to his. she has been made aware of stede's quirk, but neither of them are thrilled at this arrangement. stede likes her well enough, even if she is reserved and doesn't say much to him on their first meeting. stede had hoped his future wife would be more similar to him in personality, but on further introspection, stede wasn't sure what exactly he wanted in a wife.

on their wedding night, stede comes to understand what "a similar boat" means, when they both undress for each other and find that they are compatible after all. stede goes pale knowing what this means, but for the sake of their agreement to god, for the sake of their parents, the two consummate their marriage even though it's tricky to figure out at first who is supposed to be where and do what. stede proves fertile and it only takes one awkward attempt for him to become pregnant. he's kept in the house while he grows rounder and rounder, and soon he bears a son. he's pleased, he won't have to become pregnant again, but unfortunately their son passes away only a few months later. stede and mary are both heartbroken at the loss, but they both quickly decide to move on and make a second attempt.

once again, mary's seed takes instantly and stede births a girl nine months later, tow-headed and bright red, she shrieks upon her first breath. stede is certain that's good luck, and sure enough, little alma has no complications and is nothing but a bright, fearless girl. they're both more than satisfied with her, satisfied to never lay with each other in that way again, but that little pestering voice demanding an heir eventually gets to them, and four years after alma's birth, louis joins the family.

stede can forget this part of his life if he tries hard enough, he can convince himself it was mary who carried the children and birthed them, forget the white and pink and purple scars across his belly from where his three children stretched his skin. pregnancy was uncomfortable and strange, the only part he found amusing was when mary would come to his side to feel their child kicking. it was the one time he could truly say it felt like they loved each other. now, stede is the children's father, mary never refers to him as anything but, and he never refers to her as anything but their mother. in some ways, it's comforting that she is somewhat alike to him, even if not completely.

they don't have sex again once louis is conceived, but neither of them are upset about that fact. stede can partake in his reading and his scale models of boats that he took up as a teen, and mary can raise the children, and they still share their marital bed at night as god intended. stede doesn't know why mary's so tired all the time, why she starts growing so irritated with him and starts demanding so much more from him than she ever did before. surely things must be alright, it's just a rough patch. they'll survive it.

but things still aren't right. stede longs for something more, he just isn't sure what, and mary is losing her patience with her husband. he's not attending to his children, he's not engaging with her in so much as conversation, and she begins to worry about him. he doesn't want her to worry, he's fine, everyone feels dissatisfaction now and then, but this is a dissatisfaction that takes up residence deep in his bones. it's the impersonal friendships, the impossible standards, the way that some of their high society friends are suspicious of the two of them, but deep down it's the way that stede had marriage and children forced onto him. he finally figures out exactly what he wants: he wants to leave barbados, to start a new life at sea, to become a pirate like the ones he's read about his entire life.

he doesn't resent mary or alma or louis, he loves them and he wants them to join him. he commissions a boat and shows mary the model on their anniversary; he doesn't bring up the idea of piracy to mary, he knows she wouldn't approve of that, but he's upset when she insists that she hates the ocean - that she doesn't want to raise their children at sea, that she doesn't hate the life they've made here and that they've made the best of their bad situation. those words roil around in his head, his chest, his stomach, and he can't scare them away for ages.

three months later, the revenge is finished. stede has assembled a crew of sorts, sailors who were all in disbelief that he was offering weekly wages to them and presuming it had to be a trap but still deciding to risk it just in case. it's all nerve-wracking, running away from his family and arriving in the middle of the night on the ship, but almost immediately he feels something within him relax. he can't stand properly for a day or two, he stumbles and falls over himself, but he already knows this is what was meant for him. his crew may disagree, and he doesn't take to piracy instantly, but he made this choice for himself and he will gladly live with the consequences.

at sea, stede has never felt freer, and while he isn't exactly treated with respect, his manhood isn't called into question like it was back in barbados. even with the greater threat to his life, he feels safer.

but soon, there's a man. there's a long-haired, bearded, deeply cool man who stede admires more than he has ever admired another human being. he's never felt like this towards a man, even as one himself he's never felt this immediate kinship and admiration. he saw stede after he was gut stabbed by the spaniards and said nothing at the sight of his breasts, didn't waver in referring to him as his fellow man - if anything he was simply intrigued by the odd, sickly man sweating out all his fluids right before him.

(he has nightmares of the children he left behind, the ones born from his own womb, the wife he abandoned, his guilt nearly consumes him but it fades into the background just before it well and truly drowns him.)

stede becomes fast friends with this man, ed, the blackbeard, due in part to the way that he is not unaccepting of stede's manhood. he doesn't call him feminine names, he doesn't scoff or gape in horror at his body, and it's surreal in some ways that ed simply doesn't care. when stede discovers why ed doesn't care, when he walks in on ed's first mate brushing his hair and pulling it up atop his head in preparation for the french boat party he sees light brown scars beneath his nipples. stede steps out of the room just as quickly as he clumsily stepped in, ed's first mate hurling obscenities at his back, but his face goes bright red. to see his friend in such a state of undress, to see scars that looked slightly too precise to be ones won in battle, his mind whorls.

ed tells him later on, when they are alone together on the deck, about how he and stede are not so different, and things begin to connect in his head that hadn't been registering earlier. with mary she could understand in a sense, but when ed tells him that his scars came from a surgery to remove his breasts, stede feels choked up. he's never met someone who could understand him in this way, and understand him perfectly.

when ed kisses him on the beach out from the academy, he feels fireworks in his chest for the first time ever.

#our flag means death #ofmd #trans stede bonnet #canon rewrite #my writing #mary allamby bonnet #edward teach #idk why i did this i was just having fun #trans edward teach #t4t blackbonnet #i'm so sorry this is so long.#i got really deep in my emotions about trans stede and just lost it

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