#trust me when i say iv both watched and read almost all the parts multiple times..

[goatpaste]

i cant get over like, just a few small comments that iv been ignoring on my post about secco and cioccolata

where ppl are like 'did you even READ VA???' on my post where i basically said 'i think Secco did NOT care about cioccolata as much as Cioccolata did him' and trying to tell me they were actually deeply mutually in love with each other

when this was LITERALLY secco IN p5 following learning Cioccolata died like?

like i didnT say it out my ass, it lITERALLY happens lol

[mermaidsneedwater]

you see him after the break up

This was requested as a part two to this post. They can be read seperately! I hope it came out okay :)

⇒ jaebeom

Oh no no no. This could not be happening to him. Jaebeom panicked when he saw you and some guy walking towards him by the river walkway.

Should I turn around and run? Or maybe I should crouch down and hide? Whatever Jaebeom was going to, he needed to decide quickly because here you came.

Walking hand in hand with a guy he didn’t recognize, Jaebeom awkwardly smiled when you finally came face to face with each other.

“Hi Y/N.” He said.

You still looked beautiful. Damn this was going to be hard. He wondered if you were happy with the other guy. He pondered the possibility of you missing him as much as he missed you.

“Hey.” You replied awkwardly. “Honey, you know the guy I mentioned before? This is him, Jaebeom.”

The stranger looked him up and down, seemingly sizing Jaebeom up before reluctantly shaking his hand. “Hey. I’m Chris.”

“So how have you been?” Jaebeom asked turning to you, “I haven’t seen you in... what a year?”

“Yeah I think so.” You nodded. “I’m good, how about you?”

“Same old, I just got back from an overseas tour.” He replied. He cringed internally, way to bring up a touchy subject Jaebeom.

“Oh that’s great. I’m glad things are going well for you.” You politely smiled.

Jaebeom noticed that Chris was holding your hand a little more tightly as he spoke. “Baby, we should get going, we have that thing.”

Jaebeom winced at Chris’ nickname for you, that was his name for you. You were his baby. Were.

“I should get going too. It was nice seeing you Y/N” Jaebeom said, trying to relieve the awkwardness of the situation. Turning to Chris, he joked “She’s a great girl Chris, don’t screw it up like me.”

“Trust me I won’t.” Chris said with condescending smile. “I’m never letting her go.”

“Good. I wish I had done the same.” He muttered in response.

Jaebeom waved goodbye to you both as you walked in opposite directions. He turned around to see Chris’ arm around your waist, whispering something in your ear. You laughed and smacked his chest lightly.

Even after a year, Jaebeom could feel his heart break in two all over again, with no one to blame but himself.

⇒ mark

“Y/N? Y/N L/N?” The voice on the phone spoke.

“Yes?” You answered.

“I’m calling because you were listed as an emergency contact for Mark Tuan. He’s been in a car accident.”

Your heart sunk in your chest. “I see. I’ll be there as soon as possible.”

Walking into the hospital, you stopped at the reception desk. A young lady greeted you with a small smile. “Hello miss, how can I help you?”

Frazzled, you ran a hand through your hair. “I’m listed as an emergency contact for a patient here, Mark Tuan?”

“Okay let me check for you.” She looked to her computer screen, pulling up his file virtually. “Yes, he is in room 241.”

“Is he okay?” You asked, praying that nothing bad had happened to him.

“You’ll have to discuss that with the doctor miss.”

Thanking her, you walked to room 241. With each step you took, you could feel the air leave your lungs. Though you’d only left him last week, you’d never be able to live with yourself if something had happened to him. Your hands trembled as you reached for the door, before you could touch the handle, you were stopped by a woman.

“Who are you?” She asked, holding a clipboard at her side.

“I’m Y/N, I was listed as an emergency contact for Mark Tuan, I heard he was in an accident.” You explained nervously. “Is he ok? What happened?”

“So you’re Y/N. The patient was asking for you when he arrived in the emergency room.” The Doctor brought her clipboard up to tell you the situation. “He is okay. Mr. Tuan was in a minor car accident. Though his blood alcohol level was .087%, which means he was drinking and driving. Injury-wise he’s going to be alright, we did a CT scan and found that he broke a couple of ribs.”

Exhaling a breath you didn’t know you were holding, you responded. “Oh okay, thank god. Thank you so much doctor.”

“He should recover in one to two months, I’ll prescribe some medication for the pain.” She continued. “You can see him.”

Nodding, you took a breath and entered the room. Mark laid in a hospital gown on the bed, looking out the window. He was hooked up to multiple wires, the room silent except the dripping of his IV bag. As you took in the sight of him, your blood began to boil.

“What the hell is wrong with you!” You shut the door behind you. “Are you insane? Were you trying to get yourself killed?!”

Mark turned to see you at the foot of the door. Overcome with relief, he could only whisper “Y/N.”

“Drinking and driving? How stupid do you have to be!” You continued yelling.

“Y/N.” Mark spoke again.

“What!?”

“You look good.” He said, taking in your appearance. “How have you been?”

Your face softened at his words. His antics had accomplished his purpose, bringing you face to face with him since your break up. This was exactly the kind of thing you had hoped to avoid, as you’d left him a note explaining that your relationship was over.

“You can’t do this Mark.” You told him.

“Do what?” He replied innocently.

“Things that are endangering your life. You need to stop being so reckless. It won’t bring me back to you.”

He grabbed your hand, begging “I realize I was wrong. It took me a little bit, but I know. I don’t want to be with anyone but you. Please reconsider.”

“Change your emergency contact.” You told him, taking your hand out of his. “And please take care of yourself. I’ll call your friends to come take care of you when you’re discharged.”

⇒ jackson

I want to see you. it’s been two months and I can’t get you out of my head. let’s meet for lunch.

Jackson had sent you this message this morning. Unsure of what to say, you decided it was simply best to say nothing. But when you checked your phone that evening you were greeted with one more.

meet me for one coffee. i won’t bother you again.

Unable to decline his invitation, you texted him back. tomorrow at 1.

thank you

That was how you found yourself face to face with Jackson once again.

“What can I get for you two today?” The waiter asked.

“I’ll have an iced coffee and she’ll have a latte with an extra shot of espresso please.” Jackson ordered for the two of you.

You had both forgotten the comfort and familiarity of your relationship. Sitting at the table felt like old times, almost.

“I’m sorry for ordering for you, force of habit.” Jackson apologized.

“It’s fine, at least you got the right order” You joked.

Half smiling, Jackson fiddled with his rings. “So you’re probably wondering why I asked to meet... And honestly I’m grateful you came. I know after what I did, I wouldn’t have if I were you.”

Silently nodding, you were curious as to what he would say.

“I just– I miss you. It’s as simple as that. I daydream and I think about you, I can’t eat without thinking if you are too, when I wake up in the morning I still reach out for you in our bed.” Jackson rambled. “What I’m trying to get at is, I think we should–“

“Wait.” You stopped him. “I have to tell you something.”

“Oh– okay. What is it?” Jackson asked.

“I’m moving.”

“Like across town?”

“No. To New York.” You told him. “I leave in three days.”

Jackson sat back in his chair. He ran a hand through his hair. “Okay, I can do long distance. We can make it work.”

“No Jackson. I don’t want to. And I don’t think getting back together is a good idea.” You told him. “I’m moving because I need a fresh start. There’s nothing left for me here”

“But what about us?” He asked.

The waiter came back with your coffees, setting them down in front of you.

“Jackson, I can forgive what you did, but I can’t forget. Every time I look at you all I can think is back to that moment.” You admitted. “I’m not saying I don’t love you. I’m saying I need space from you.”

You watched as his fell. The goal of this meeting for him had not been accomplished. You signaled the waiter for the check. Leaving cash for both your coffees, you stood up. “Goodbye Jackson.”

⇒ jinyoung

You turned the key to your apartment. Former apartment. It had been a week since you’d last spoken to Jinyoung.

Slowly walking in, you grabbed the boxes you’d brought and pulled them inside. You turned on the light and were startled by the figure hunched over the couch.

“You scared me.” You exhaled a breath of relief.

“Sorry.” Jinyoung grumbled. He sat up on the couch and looked to you at the door. “I guess you were serious.”

You watched as he stood up from the couch. He looked disheveled. You could see the dark circles on his face, his hair messed up and his scruff had been unshaven for what seemed like days.

You walked past him and went straight to your bedroom, intent on getting your things out as quickly as possible.

As you headed to your closet, you set the box you were holding down and began to take your clothes off the hanger.

Jinyoung quietly came into the bedroom and watched as you packed.

“So this is it?” He said. “We’re really over?”

Ignoring his voice, you continued with your packing.

“Just do something. Yell at me. Throw something. Scream. Cry. Anything. I can’t take this silence.”

Not looking back at him, you placed a pile of your folded clothes into the box. “I don’t want to do that. I want my stuff and then I’m leaving.”

Jinyoung got up from the bed and held your hand, turning you to face him. “Don’t do this. Don’t end something good.”

“What do you want from me? You think I want this? I never asked you to cheat on me. You did that all by yourself.”

Shaking his head, he pulled your hand to his cheek, “Tell me what I can do to fix this. I made one mistake, I can do better.”

You took your hand out of his and turned back to the closet. “Please don’t make this harder than it already is. You want to fix things? Let me go.”

Jinyoung watched you, dejected and drained. He slowly watched as the apartment transformed from your home to just his apartment.

Taping the last of your boxes, you began taking them to your car, one by one. Jinyoung watched from the window as you shut the trunk of your car and drove away.

Now he was left with nothing but an empty house and the consequences of his actions.

⇒ youngjae

You sat in bed, scrolling through the articles about Youngjae and Mina’s relationship. It had only been 3 weeks since you’d broken up.

They’re so cute!

This is my dream couple xoxo

Youngjae looks so happy with Mina

Frustrated, you threw your phone against the wall. Leaning over to your bedside table, you grabbed the can of ice cream and dug your spoon into it. You contemplated for a brief moment whether you should get out of bed to get a real bowl, but at the moment you couldn’t be bothered with such things.

You’re roommate walked in to find you holed up in your room. “Y/N when was the last time you left this room?”

“I don’t know maybe a couple days ago?” You shrugged, having another bite of the ice cream.

“Okay just give me the ice cream and we can talk.” Your roommate said slowly.

You frowned as she successfully pried the pint out of your hands. “Leave me alone. I just want my ice cream, I think I deserve that much.”

“Okay, that’s it,” your roommate said setting the tub down. “You’re going to shower and get dressed, tonight we’re drinking.”

“Oh no. I have plans with another pint of ice cream and the new Scream movie.”

“Y/N, you’re going out and that’s final!” She insisted.

A few hours later, you stood at the bar of some club your roommate had taken to you. Sipping on a gin and tonic, you scanned the room sullenly.

“Can you at least try to smile?” You roommate nudged you. “You have to put yourself out there. Have you ever heard the saying, in order to get over someone you have to get under someone else?”

“I’m sorry. I’m just really not in the mood.” You said, taking another sip of your drink.

“Fine, do what you want but I see a guy checking me out so I’m going to go talk to him.” She huffed.

Raising your glass, you signaled the bartender for another drink. “Okay, have fun. I’ll be here. Sad and alone.”

Tracing the rim of your glass, you sat alone. Before long, you heard a voice speak.

“One soju please.”

Oh god. You knew that voice anywhere. Turning the other way, you attempted to hide your face.

“Y/N?” Youngjae asked. “Is that you?”

Oh shit.

Turning around you saw your ex-boyfriend, he stood tall in a sleek blazer and some jeans.

“Hey you,” you said awkwardly. “What brings you here.”

“Oh, um. It’s Mina’s birthday.” He said. “She wanted to go out with some friends.”

“That’s great.” You said bitterly, downing the rest of your drink. “I’m glad you guys are happy.”

You left some money for the drink and began to leave the bar.

Texting you friend, you headed out the entrance of the club. don’t feel well, going home.

You pulled out your phone to order a car.

“Y/N! Wait!” You heard a voice call behind you.

Youngjae ran, coming to stand in front of you. You looked down at your phone ignoring him.

“Let me take you home.” He said. “Please,”

“I’m not really your concern anymore.” You said defiantly. “I think I can get a cab on my own.”

“Please Y/N.” He said, holding your wrist. “I’m just trying to do the right thing.”

“Like you know anything about what’s right.” You rolled your eyes. “Just go back to your new girlfriend. You guys make a great couple.”

“Y/N,” he started again.

Your cab pulled up in front of the club. “Just do me favor? The next time you see me in public let’s just avoid the pleasantries and do our own thing.”

And with that you shut the door of your cab and watched through the window as you drove away.

Youngjae could only watch and let you go, what right did he have to do anything else anyway?

⇒ bambam

“And she just laughed when you told her?”

“Yup.” Bambam nodded.

Yugyeom sat in disbelief. “Wow. Maybe you guys are better off broken up.”

“What? No.” Bambam refused. “I just need to go apologize to her and we can work through this.”

“Why are you trying so hard to put this relationship back together? Clearly you didn’t want to be in one since you were cheating on her. Most guys would be out celebrating right now!” Yugyeom replied.

“I don’t know, I just feel like I’m missing a piece of myself without her.” Bambam hadn’t admitted that out loud before. “I need to make things right.”

“Yeah but does she want to make things right?” Yugyeom asked. He paused for a few moments to let his best friend ponder the question. “Anyway, I should get going. I’m sorry about your eye again.”

“I deserved it.” Bambam muttered. They were of course referring to the fact that Yugyeom had punched Bambam two weeks ago when he refused to tell you that he was cheating on you.

That night Bambam found himself awake and restless. When he closed his eyes, his mind would run wild with thoughts about you, making it impossible to actually sleep. He got out of bed and put on a sweater, intending to take a stroll at night.

Walking along the street at night, he watched as a couple passed him by. Were they in love? Were they doomed to fate like you and him? As he crossed the street he didn’t even see the car turning the corner until it came to a screeching stop.

“Hey!” He called out looking to the driver.

He was shocked to see that it was none other than you. Walking to the side of the car, he knocked on the window.

“Care to tell me why you almost ran me over?”

“The light’s about turn green. Get in the car.” You told him.

Weighing his options for a brief moment, Bambam sat in the car. “Where are we going?”

You turned to him, laughing a little, “Nowhere? Everywhere?”

Bambam shook his head, “I feel like I don’t understand you anymore.”

“I couldn’t sleep. Can’t really walk around alone at night, so I thought a drive might help.” You explained.

“Me too. Until you almost ran me over.” He tried to joke.

“I’m sorry. But in my defense you came out of nowhere.” You told him, merging onto the road overlooking the river.

You pulled the car onto the side and sat with water moving in front of you. Slowly coming to a stop, you drummed your hands on the steering wheel.

“Why couldn’t you sleep?” Bambam asked.

“You first.” You said, looking straight ahead.

“I was thinking about you. I miss you. I miss what we had.” He admitted. “Now you.”

You leaned back in your seat, taking in his words. “I was thinking about us too. And if I’m being honest, I was scared. And that’s because I felt so free when we broke up, like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I couldn’t sleep without feeling like our entire relationship had been a waste of time.”

Bambam was taken aback. Our entire relationship had been a waste of time.

“Y/N–“

“Look, if you’re here to try and get back together, then you should just leave. Don’t make things more complicated than they already are.”

He slunk in his seat, he could now see the writing on the wall, you were done and better off without him.

“And if I’m not?”

You turned to look at him, sadly smiling. “We drive around for a bit, I drop you home, and then we go on with our lives. We never hear from each other again.”

⇒ yugyeom

Yugyeom knew this was a idiotic idea. His friends had told him it was an extremely dumb thought. But still he couldn’t help but do it.

He sat at the café by the JYP building that you’d often visit him at. Yugyeom figured that if the café was the place your relationship had gone wrong, it had to be the place to make things right.

Since your break up, it had been like you’d vanished off the face of the earth. You’d effectively blocked him out of your life, changing your phone number, secretly moving into a new apartment, he couldn’t even look up your profile on Instagram to cyber stalk you. Yugyeom only realized when you were gone how much he loved you. One moment you were together, and the next every trace of you had disappeared.

So for the last 3 months, he’d been hoping to ‘accidentally’ run into you at the café. Yugyeom figured that when the moment finally came, he’d apologize and convince you to take him back.

At first he’s told himself that he’d wait for you a week, then two weeks, a month, and now three months. He knew nothing about your life without him, so he could only guess your routine.

Yugyeom was sure that for the ninety-second day in a row, you wouldn’t show. That was until he unmistakably heard the sound of your laugh.

Following the sound, He looked to find you on the phone entering the café. Overwhelmed with the sight, he quickly stood up to take a peek at you.

Surely enough, you were even more beautiful than he remembered. Your hair had grown a bit, and you’d walked into the café radiating a kind of confidence he’d never seen before.

Nervously running a hand through his hair, it was time to act on the plan he’d been concocting for the last 3 months.

He waited at the table, until you’d finished ordering your drink. When he saw you step up to the counter, Yugyeom brushed against you.

“I’m so sor–“ you started before realizing who you’d bumped into.

“Y/N? What are you doing here?” Yugyeom asked, pretending to be shocked.

“Oh, I was just on my way to meet someone and thought I’d stop for a coffee. How about you?”

“Lunch break. Just picking up a quick bite before I go back to practice.”

“Right! What are you doing nowadays?” You asked, suddenly remembering.

Has she really forgotten that I’m in an idol group? Yugyeom wondered. She used to know my schedule better than me!

“We have a comeback soon. But anyways...” grasping for a topic Yugyeom panicked, “the weather has been so nice lately right?”

When you chuckled at his question, Yugyeom was confused.

“This is so awkward.” You said blatantly. “Of course this was bound to happen to us.”

Relieved that you’d broken the ice, Yugyeom laughed with you. “I guess so.”

“It’s okay Yugyeom. It doesn’t have to be like this.” You reassured him. “I’m not angry with you anymore.”

“Y/N, I just have to let you know how sorry I am.” He admitted. Placing a hand on your shoulder, he continued “I never meant to hurt you. I was so stupid, I didn’t realize what I had until I lost it.”

“I forgave you awhile ago. We just weren’t meant to be, it happens.” You shrugged. “You deserve to be happy. And so do I.”

Taking your coffee from the counter, you took out your wallet to tip the barista. “Be well Yugyeom.” Waving to him, you left the café.

Yugyeom watched as you walked out the door. He couldn’t help but feel an ache in his chest, realizing that he’d now lost you for the second and final time.

return to masterlist

[char-lotteral]

Look I'm not one of those people who believe Kishimoto decided to have Hinata and Naruto end up in the middle part of Shippuden. I believe he decided in the very last arc but he wanted to sound smart so he said he decided earlier on. Otherwise, they obviously would have more scene together. In Shippuden, they have only three scenes together ; when Naruto came back, the pain attack and the neji death scene. That's it. In the original Naruto, they probably have less than ten canon scenes not including fillers.

So I'm sorry I'm one of those who wasn't convinced by The Last. They literally had a basic villain go after Hinata who was cringe btw (the villain). They gave Hinata op powers which she doesn't have in the novel 👀. Despite having op powers, they made her the damsel in distress. Very "The hero saves the princess" cliche. Again, to justify them being together. I mean Naruto can't differentiate his love for ramen and romantic love so how??? He was just being nice to Hinata just like he does to everyone. He stood up for her just like he does for everyone.

Don't get me started on the Sakura Sasuke relationship 🤣. Cringe. They never knew each other. The whole Sakura's love for Sasuke saved him doesn't make sense. They spent barely a year in their genin year before sasuke left. Sasuke tried to kill Naruto and Sakura multiple times. Then at the end of the war, Kishimoto tried to do the "oh they have such a deep understanding between each other" which comes off as cringey. He gets her pregnant then leaves for years. She's literally a single mom who's broke.

Every relationship in Naruto is so cringey and forced except shikatemari. Kishimoto should've focused on the main story and fixed his potholes and leave the ending open.

Naruto would not have been perfect but at least it would've been remembered for staying true to its vision but instead it's remembered for cringey relationships, dumbass villain (except pain and madara) and a story that lost its core which is a shame coz I used to love Naruto. I was inspired by its messages but now....

OKAY LOL WAIT I ACTUALLY HAVE THIS LONG ASS RANT PREPARED XD

BUT FIRST Ive read what you said and I lowkey agree :p

HOWEVER

I DRAW THE LINE AT TONERI SLANDER. BECAUSE WHY

TONERI?? CRINGE?? THIS SEXY MOTHERFUCKER??

LOOK AT HIS WHITE FLUFFY HAIR AND HIS CERULEAN BLUE ORBS STARING DEEPLY INTO YOUR SOUL

SAY SIKE RIGHT NOW?!#*@*#&@*

okay lol now for the juicy part click readmore and beware I shall be brutally honest so yea enjoy

I mean, Naruto in general is a mess, not just the ships if we're being realistic. Alot of plotholes, rushed endings, this and that, the w a r a r c, Kaguya, the way they rushed Boruto ehhh. Honestly, getting into Naruto is literally my biggest regret of 2020 :"DD

Im an NH shipper as you can tell by my hotmess of a blog but i fully respect your opinion and understand your point of view. I also know a bunch of nh stans who have their complaints with their development. I wish Kishi gave more attention to his female cast really, thats all I fucking ask. If he did that one single basic thing, then maybe the endgame relationships wouldnt have been an asspull and theyd be given propper screentime with their love interest, both Sakura and Hinata. The Last tbh i think the writers played it safe and stuck to the whole Naruto shounen vibe thingy, so im not surprised it was plotted that way. Typical cliché shounen movie.

But does that bother me? No! The Last was a mess, their development was shit, they definitely needed more screentime but hey at the end of the day theyre cute as fuck, we have that kiss scene, flirting scenes, a shit ton of official art, three kids, Seiki's gif :33 and a whole ass arc for their wedding all that for just a shounen anime so eh. Compensates for it i guess xD theyre not toxic, unhealthy or whatnot. Theyre wholesome, soft and vanilla as fuck and exactly what i need in my hectic life rn. No drama, just two kind souls who are adorable as heck and theyre dynamic means so much to me and I will love them until i shall leave this earth.

Anon, im not even gonna waste my time and defend their development because i think it sucked too xD but if you wanna know why i love them so so so soooo much, Id be more than willing to tell you :33

Sasuke and Sakura on the other hand eeeehhhh i can see why people like them. Sasuke's hot, he's your typical hot bad boy aad Sakura's hot and pretty too. Basic blue and pink trope. Aside from their canon interactions, fans have all the opportunity to play around with their dynamic but for me, its just sooo basic and so hetero and can easily appeal to any 16 yr old teenage girl, no wonder it has an active fanbase on twt and---- AM I MAKING ANY SENSE? AHDBAJJE LIKE ITS SO-- BASIC, your usual bad boy x pretty girl trope that you get to read in YA and coming of age novels. Not only that, but going back to canon, they have too many negative interactions for me to like them together :p The least Sakura can do is put down her own foot and yell at him for not contacting them for god knows how long. I also dont like how he always gets easily forgiven >=[[. I mean at least He's compensating as a dad good for him but ehhhh i still dont like him and Sakura together :v And im not falling for that "Sakura is the reason why Sasuke isnt lonely anymore" because thats NARUTO AHHH. Sasuke said that Multiple times. HE LIGHTS A FIRE INSIDE OF ME. HES MY SUN. MY ONE AND ONLY FRIEND. LIEK?? THATS NARUTOOO romantic or not, Naruto was the reason for his not so lonely existence anymore smh >=[[

Sasuke almost murdered her and Naruto and made their lives a living hell but hey its all good!! He's my best friend and Sakura loves him!! So set him freeee into the worldddd~~

Sasuke left his family without even simply contacting them but can easily contact Naruto through a hawk but hey thats fine! His and Sakura's feelings are connected afterall! Sasuke gave her a ring and said thank you! Who cares about leaving your family. She loves him and he loves her so yey!!! All is forgiven :D

DID I MENTION SASUKE ALMOST MUREDERED HIS OWN DAUGHTER AND HE WASNT CALLED OUT FOR THAT@*#&@??!?#,*@#,#

Sasuke gets too many life points this isnt fair >=[[ But tbh he's nerfed so bad in Boruto manga and anime power wise. Like in that time travel arc and the manga. The rinnegan kunai thing was still so funny to me even if it was Borushiki. I just idk its so funny to me lmaoo

OKAY WHAT ELSE. I dont even know any more. Im tired of complaining about Naruto and just when Ive finally gone a little bit away from Naruto, Hinata fucking pulls me in again 😩 she has me on chokehold pls send help. Watch castlevania!!! and one piece!!!! ten times better than this anime about a loud blonde boi who wants to be president. Trust me

overall, i dont fully agree but i lowkey agree i guess. I do respect your opinion tho :))

EXCEPT WHEN YOU CALLED TONERI CRINGE. HOW DARE YOU CALL THAT SEXY MF CRINGEY---

[seulgiology]

maybe it’s love ┃son seungwan

pairings: bestfriend!wendy x bestfriend!reader

words: 3.6k

genre: angst, fluff

warning: established relationship, f2l, crying, like a lot of crying, some arguing but nothing too extreme, like sad arguing ???, all over the place fluff, this is lowkey sad

a/n: here it is for the beautiful anon that requested this. im so sorry this took me like two days but ive been sleeping and doing my online work. im sorry forthe crappy ending as well but i just might make a followup with some smut if you request it maybe. but i hope this was good and angsty enough. it is currently 4:43 in the morning so it’s time for admin 2 to sleep. I hope you like it :))

disclaimer:  This is a work of fiction from our imagination. It is not intended that the plot, theme, original characters, etc. portray any real-life events/people. Plagiarism is NOT tolerated on this blog. If you believe we have copied an existing authors’ work, please message us privately. thank you and enjoy :)

---

“Okay um, the directions say to wear gloves so the dye won’t get on your hands and in your nails,” you read from the small instruction paper to your best friend, who is mixing the dye together. 

“Y/N-ah, I’ve had my hair dyed multiple times so I know how to do this,” she assures with an amused laugh. She rounds the chair to crouch down in front of you mockingly, smiling beautifully in that way that gets your stuttering, “Trust me,” she says next and you nod quickly, breathing out your nose and pushing strands of hair out of your face.

“Alright, but if my hair falls out, Seungwan, then I will sue,” you teasingly say and Seungwan only pinches one of your flushed cheeks making you smile shyly. She then goes back to mixing the dye as you read the box of the dye the two of you had bought earlier.

“Your hair won’t fall out, princess,” Seungwan assures in a soft voice, using the nickname she has been calling you for years. You have to bite your lip to stop the huge smile from breaking through. You glance behind you to see Seungwan’s hands clasped together under her chin in concentration, head tilting side to side as she inspects the color of the dye. Just looking at her is enough to get you going.

Seungwan and you have been best friends for as long as you could remember. You guys have done everything together and grown with each other. You two have been through it all; both good and bad. You’re not sure when it happened though. 

You’re not sure when you fell in love with your best friend, Son Seungwan.

You can’t bring yourself to tell her as much as you want to. You just know that she won’t feel the same way and you can’t bear the pain of hearing her actually saying those words. What you two have now is way more important for some silly feelings you have for her that should’ve left a long time ago due to it being unrequited. 

The thoughts are pushed to the back of your mind when Seungwan claps her hands twice, catching your attention. “Alright, we’re ready to go so lean back and relax,” she instructs, sounding as if she is your hairstylist.

Seungwan starts working the dye in your hair, talking to you about how she feels with her new album coming out in a couple of months. You listen intently with your eyes closed and releasing some hums as she speaks. She talks with that subtle excitement that always underlies in her voice when she speaks.

“We leave this in for forty-five minutes and then wash it out. If all goes according to plan then your hair should be the strawberry blonde you want it to be,” she says while inspecting your hair that is pinned up in four different sections with a satisfied smile.

“I’ll clean up the mess and while I’m doing that you should find a movie for us to watch,” you suggest and stand up from the chair you’ve been sitting in for what feels like forever. Seungwan perks up at this and rushes to the living room, excited sounds coming from her loudly. “And we’re not watching The Fault In Our Stars!” you shout after her and laugh as her sounds die down into defeated whines.

“We never get to watch that movie though,” Seungwan complains but her efforts are useless.

“Wan-ah we have watched that movie three times in a row,” you remind with a laugh. You toss the bowl that was used for the dye in the trash and clean up any excess color that happened to splatter. After cleaning up the kitchen, you walk into the living room where Seungwan is snuggling up in her favorite blanket that so happens to belong to you.

Your heart warms at the sight and when she turns around, smiling so brightly that her eyes shape into little crescent moons, you don’t know what came over you at that moment but all you know is that you wanted your best friend as close to you as possible.

You get on the couch next to her and quickly snuggle up next to her when she opens the blanket for you. She’s thrown off when you’re the one cuddling her tonight instead of it being the other way around. Nonetheless, she rests her head on your breasts softly and wraps her arms around your tiny frame that almost matches hers.

“Y/N?” Seungwan whispers in question, concerned with the way you’re holding her. As if it’s the last time she will be in your arms. “Is everything okay? I didn’t pick The Fault In Our Stars if that’s what you’re worried about,” her voice is soft as she speaks. Almost too soft and you feel your eyes water at her consideration.

You didn’t want to lose her. 

Your hands are running through her soft locks and your left cheek is resting against her forehead. “I love you Wan-ah,” you say it so quietly that you’re not sure she heard you. You’re positive she didn’t hear the crack in your voice or notice how this time when you said it, it wasn’t in the way she was used to.

You don’t know why suddenly you feel like right now you should confess but the feeling is clawing at your heart. And seeing Seungwan curled up in your blanket with the smile of a complete goddess on her face, face lit up happily― you knew that you had to tell her. 

You often acted off impulse and that was one of the things Seungwan would tease you about. Thinking things through wasn’t your best fort and you’ve been thinking things through enough with trying to sort out your feelings for your best friend. If you’re being honest here then you’re terrified. You’re absolutely terrified about what’s going to happen when she finds out you have feelings for her and how long it has been going on.

Will she hate me? Will she think different of me? What if she doesn’t look at me the same… What if this changes things forever and not in the way I want it to. Thoughts ran through your head so fast it was as if they were chasing each other, tempting you to open your mouth and spill how you’ve been feeling these past few years.

“I love you too,” her voice is pulling you out of your torn thoughts again. This time however her wide eyes are looking up at you and when she sees you teary eyes, immediate worry crashes through her and she pulls out of your hold. Her hands are instantly cupping your cheeks and her worry-filled eyes are searching your teary ones. “What‘s wrong? Y/N is there something you’re not telling me? Where is this coming from?” She asks all at once, her voice still calm but it’s rushed and you can tell she’s concerned.

Seungwan’s heart breaks when she sees the first tear drop down your cheek. She doesn’t know what to do because she doesn’t know what is the cause of your pain. Seeing you like this made her own eyes gloss over. “Please talk to me,” Seungwan says and her voice is desperate, wanting to know what is going on so she can help you. She hates not being able to care for you and right now she can’t care for you fully if you’re not willing to speak.

“I’m sorry,” this comes out as a soft cry and the way Seungwan’s whole face turns down is painful. “I’m sorry, please don’t be upset,” and saying this awakens some rage in her. You’re crying and yet you want to apologize and think she is upset?  Knowing each other for the majority of your lives, you two have the tendency to care for one another more than oneself at times. 

“Y/N stop,” she says, shaking her head firmly. “You’re crying and you don’t want me to be upset. It’s not about me right now, princess, okay? It’s about you and how you’re feeling. So, please― please talk to me,” Seungwan begs softy, thumbs wiping away your tears that keep falling.

“It is about you though,” You whisper and Seungwan’s thumbs stop their movements, confusion and hurt hitting her at the same time. What had she done to make her best friend cry like this? Seeing the look on Seungwan’s face, you don’t know what to say but you know it hurts. It hurts so much seeing her hurt because of you. Because you want to be selfish and decide that now is the time to tell her you have feelings for her.

You think about how ridiculous you might look right now. Cheeks streaked with tears, eyes puffy from crying and face flushed. Your hair still has the dye in it and is parted in crazy sections to keep your hair up. Now probably wasn’t the best time to tell her.

“I love you,” is all you say but for some reason, Seungwan feels like there is more to it. She’s waiting in anticipation of what you have to say and she knows shouldn’t say anything. “But not in the way that you love me,” you add in slowly because you know she’s going to have to process it.

It takes Seungwan a few minutes to catch on and in those few minutes, you held your breath. She looked at you with her head tilted to the right slightly and lips pursed in thought. When the realization came upon her, you watched her face drop and heard your heart shatter.

 “Y/N…” she trails off sadly but you shake your head, already standing up from the couch and you feel the tears falling again. What did I expect, you thought to yourself. “I’m sorry,” she whispers and stands up after you. “I’m so sorry but I don’t love you like that but you’re still my best friend,” Seungwan was starting to cry now, afraid she is going to lose you because she doesn’t feel the same.

“Y-You don’t hate me?” You choke out in surprise, watching the girl from your blurred vision shake her head quickly. Even though Seungwan doesn’t feel the same way and she doesn’t think she could ever; she still loves you regardless.

“I could never hate you,” she admits with a cute pout that makes your heart hurt even more. It makes you feel the slightest better hearing that so you smile. You wipe away your tears with shaky fingers.

You don’t think you could stand to be in her presence currently. You have to admit you’re really hurt. You know facing the harsh truth was going to be rough but you didn’t expect it to hurt this bad. You guess now you can try to move on with Seungwan knowing about your feelings and it finally being off your chest. That heavy feeling lifted but was replaced with a heavier one. One that you knew would take longer to leave.

“You should get going now,” you say after clearing your throat and Seungwan looks at you in shock. You two were supposed to spend tonight together and Seungwan couldn’t help but feel like she messed it up even though she didn’t. “I’m getting tired and I’ll wash out the dye on my own,” you tell her, avoiding her eyes.

“Okay,” Seungwan agrees defeatedly. You continue to stand in that spot as she gathers her things and leaves. She turns back to look at you one more time before leaving and the tear that falls from her left eye she is quick to wipe away. She will give you as much space as possible if that means you’re okay and you won’t end up hating her.

You sat on your couch for longer than you thought, just crying. You were twenty minutes late to washing your hair and when it came to, the color was more of a peach than strawberry. The color reminded you of Seungwan’s cheeks whenever she smiled and it made you frown. 

The two of you knew things were going to be different after today.

--

Different things were, indeed.

It’s been a month since you confessed to your best friend. It took a week to get back to normal― well, as normal as things could get. You showed up at one of her dance practices and she was elated to see you, automatically hugging you. Even hugging each other felt different. Especially now that the two of you were really aware of one another’s feelings.

You assured her that everything was fine between you and she had hugged you tighter, going on about how relieved she was that you’re talking to her. 

As the weeks went on, Seungwan also found a change within herself. She started to really pay attention to you; probably more than she had ever done in her life. She noticed the way your left eye would twitch whenever something irritated you or the way you would smile the smallest of smiles whenever she spoke. What she noticed the most is how little you have been talking to her.

Her affection was more excessive and if you didn’t know better then you would’ve thought she was the one in love with you. If Seungwan is being honest then she has thought about you romantically before. It was a few years back though and ever since she had locked those thoughts in a faraway corner in her mind. She couldn’t let that ruin your friendship.

Now that she’s aware of your feelings for her, it doesn’t change how much she already loves you. Nothing you do can change that. She just feels like now you’re pushing yourself away and she’s scared this might be it for you guys.

The night things really changed was when Seungwan was in the dorms, sulking to her close friend and bandmate, Joohyun. She was complaining about how distant you have become since she confessed.

“I just feel like there’s more I can do, you know? Like I don’t know what I could’ve done because I don’t feel the same but she’s hurting and I know it. It’s all because my dumb heart can’t see past our friendship,” Seungwan rants, this going on for the tenth minute. Joohyun listens intently with a growing smile on her face.

“And I love her so much unnie. She’s my whole world and more,” Seungwan explains with a sad laugh. “I don’t feel as complete when I’m not around her but when I’m with her it’s like I can breathe again. I know I’m busy all the time but I make time for her… I’d do anything for Y/N.”

“Wendy-ah,” Joohyun speaks softly and it gains her attention. “I’m not an expert at love but I’m pretty sure you’re in love with your best friend.”

“What?” Seungwan’s voice comes out as a whisper but she doesn’t recoil at the words. She knows that deep down, Joohyun is right. 

“This whole time you’ve been talking to me I noticed the way you talked about Y/N. I haven’t heard you talk about anyone like that and I’ve never really been in love myself but I’ve heard about it. And this right here is love,” Joohyun says calmly. Seungwan’s brown eyes are glazing over with tears and she feels even worse when coming to the realization herself.

“Oh god, she’s going to hate me,” Seungwan whines dramatically but Joohyun squeezes her arm to calm her.

“I don’t think anything can make Y/N hate you,” Joohyun speaks just as Seulgi strolls into the living room. “Oh yeah, that girl is so in love with you I might just fall in love with you to see what all the hype is about,” Seulgi playfully says and it makes Seungwan laugh.

“Tell her,” Joohyun advises and at Seungwan’s wide-eyed look, she nods towards the front door. “Go to her and tell her how you feel. Say it, write it, sing it― just tell her before it’s too late.”

Hearing that gives Seungwan the spark of confidence and motivation she didn’t know she needed until now. “Thank you unnie, you’re the best and I love you,” Seungwan rushes out as she stands from the couch. After putting on her shoes, Seungwan nearly dashes out of the house.

Meanwhile, you just got out the shower a few minutes ago and is sitting in front of your vanity, drying your pale blue hair that you had dyed a week ago. You hum to a song that plays softly in the background from your speaker. Your day had been a busy one, booked with taking shots of a soon to be married couple. It was adorable to say the east and it made you happy seeing people in love.

You hadn’t really talked to your best friend these past couple of days because of how busy the two of you were. But you were purposefully ignoring Seungwan for your own good. Even if she would text you late after one of her practices, as usual, to hang out you would dodge her or pretend to be tired.

You still weren’t over the heartbreaking rejection you had received from her. And you’re mad at yourself for distancing yourself but you don’t know what else to do. You want to move on so you won’t have to continue feeling this hurt. You always thought that if Seungwan rejected you, it would be easier to move on but it was harder than you thought.

At the sound of the door being pounded on, you jolt in surprise and drop the brush from your hands. You look outside your window to find that it’s pouring down with rain and you hadn’t even noticed. Who would be knocking this late at night and traveling in the horrendous weather?

With a sigh, you leave your room and walk to the front entrance while throwing your hair up in a loose ponytail. You swing open the door without seeing who it is but when you do, you’re taken aback.

“Seungwan?” You breathe out in shock at the small girl standing in front of you, dripping wet from the rain and shivering from the cold. “Oh, my god, what are you doing? Get in here,” you grab her hand and pull her in. You leave to get a towel and when you return to her, you’re quick to wrap it around her. 

“Hi,” she whispers sheepishly but you’re frustrated at how reckless her actions are right now.

“Are you out of your damn mind? You can get sick!” you cry out but Seungwan doesn’t seem to care. You notice how her mind seems to be elsewhere and she’s not even worried about the condition she’s in. “And why are you looking at me like that? Is there something on my face?” You ask with a frustrated huff, hands going to your face that was just thoroughly washed.

You watch with raised eyebrows as Seungwan walks closer to you and just as you open your mouth to ask what she’s doing, she is kissing you. SON SEUNGWAN IS KISSING YOU. the literal girl of your dreams has her lips pressed against yours.

And it’s absolute bliss.

The kiss ignites something within you both that pulls you closer together. This kiss was heaven itself with her small hands cupping your cheeks and lips still on yours; as if she’s afraid to move them. Your eyes were closed and you were succumbing to the taste of Seungwan. No, no this isn’t right, you think with a wince and feel yourself pulling away.

“Why did you do that?” you ask before you even recover from the unexpected kiss.”Is this some sort of joke to you?” You ask next, eyebrows furrowing and newfound hurt and offense taking over that bliss. 

“What? No, Y/N-” Seungwan tries but you stop her with holding a hand up, eyes already starting to burn with oncoming tears. 

“You can’t just kiss people who have feelings for you, Seungwan. It’s not fair,” you admit but Seungwan is shaking her head and you’re confused when you see her teary eyes. Why is she about to cry?

“Y/N, listen to me please,” Seungwan begs, moving closer to you. “I think… I think I’ve always been in love with you. I think I’ve always known but I didn’t want to admit nor acknowledge it which is why I freaked out last month and said I didn’t feel the same. But I do! I swear to god I do and I can’t stand going another day without you knowing.”

Your heart stops hearing her speak what you always wanted to hear and you’re in disbelief. Is this really real? There’s no way Seungwan is standing in front of you telling you how she feels. Not only that but she has felt it for probably even longer than you.

I’ve always been in love with you.

“I’m not lying, just please,” Seungwan stops as a sob works its way past her lips and the sound is enough to make your heart shatter. “Please say something,” Seungwan’s voice is pleading. Her hands are in tiny fists as she clenches the towel in her hands. 

You don’t say anything but your body gravitates forward and you’re hugging her. You hold on to her tight because you still have your best friend. Not only is she your best friend but she has feelings for you too. She is in love with you, too. 

That night the two of you held each other until falling asleep, hearts in sync with one another. 

[chipper9906]

Bound To You - Chapter 3: Internal Talks

<--- Previous Chapter

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR SEASON 15

NOTE: Pairings and Ratings Will Change As Story Is Updated

Pairings: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester

Rating: General Audiences

Chapter Word Count: 6,133

Overall Word Count: 17,730

Status: Multi Chapter Fic - In Progress (3/?)

Chapter Preview: 

“You know, just once it’d be nice for the Universe not to screw us over. You’d think we’d earned a break by now-,”

Dean was interrupted by a splash of holy water hitting his face, about half of it getting into his mouth. He scrunched his eyes shut against the onslaught of water, swinging his mouth closed and leaning his head to the side to spit the holy water onto the floor.

“Fair enough…” Dean mumbled, pulling up the bedsheets and drying off his face. “Pretty sure soaking a cripple on his first day earns you a one-way ticket to Hell, Sammy.”

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Character Key For Telepathic Conversations

'Italic Text' - Castiel

'Bold Text' - Dean

* * *

Seeing his older brother like this was heart-breaking.

They had both had their fair share of injuries. A few stints in hospitals across the country over the years. Of course, the introduction of Castiel into their lives had dramatically reduced those visits, having their own personal angel who was willing to heal up any scrape or… potentially life-threatening injuries.

Dean had always been a pillar of strength in his life. Only in rare times did he ever see his brother look so broken, so dependant on another. Now, seeing his frail body in this hospital bed, surrounded by multiple beeping machines with countless wires coming out of him… it was a sight he almost couldn’t bear to see.

Eileen’s gentle touch on his shoulder pulled his gaze away from Dean. He turned on the uncomfortable plastic chair to face her, giving her an appreciative smile as she handed him yet another cup of coffee.

“Are you sure you don’t want to try and get some sleep?” Eileen asked him, rubbing her hand across his back soothingly. “I can stay here and watch over him.”

“I’m okay,” Sam brushed off her concern, though made sure to brush her arm by his back to show his thanks for her worry. “I don’t want to leave him yet… I’ll have to get back to the bunker soon anyway to pick up some stuff for him. Ah, and... I’ll have to try and find a pet-friendly motel nearby…”

Eileen’s hand paused on his back. “…Why?”

“Oh, right, I forgot to tell you,” Sam said with an amused huff. “We, uh- Dean actually found this dog after… after Chuck wiped everyone off the board. She got wiped away too shortly after because Chuck… well, he’s Chuck. She was brought back when everyone else got brought back and… Dean couldn’t leave her there.”

“Didn’t you say Dean wasn’t really a fan of dogs?”

“I think Miracles an exception. Don’t tell him I said this, but… I think Miracle is the only thing keeping Dean together after what happened to Cas. He’s not doing great even with her, but if she wasn’t here with us…” Sam closed his eyes, shaking his head as the awful memories flooded back. “You didn’t see him when Cas died right as Jack was being born. Mom was gone, and we had to see Lucifer shove that angel blade right through Cas, and… he couldn’t move. He dropped down by Cas’s side, and… He wasn’t the same until Jack brought Cas back. It was scary to see him that way. The anger I could deal with, you know? It was how Dean coped, finding something to blame, and… he directed all that at Jack. But when he wasn’t angry… it was like a part of him died with Cas. Like he wanted to just… give up.”

“They really mean a lot to each other, don’t they?” Eileen said wistfully.

“You have no idea,” Sam chuckled. “According to Cas, he and Dean ‘share a more profound bond’.”

“A what?”

“Cas’s words, not mine,” Sam raised his hands in the air with another short burst of laughter. “I assumed it was because Cas rescued Dean from hell, but Cas did the same for me and we never formed a ‘profound bond’ like Cas has with Dean.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you sound jealous,” Eileen teased him, giving his shoulder a light squeeze with a playful smile.

"Oh, trust me – I’m glad Cas directed most of his attention towards Dean. Do you have any idea the number of times I’ve been caught in the middle of the conversation between the two of them with just their eyes? Cas got better over time, but the staring? He was always kind of awkward with stuff like that, but with Dean… they somehow managed to talk to each other entirely with looks.”

“It makes sense,” Eileen noted. “Cas probably learned a lot about humans from Dean. He’s probably able to get a better read from Dean on how he feels by looking at him than just listening to him. I know I haven’t known Dean as long as you guys have, but I get the feeling Dean isn’t the kind of guy to tell the truth when it comes to how he feels?”

“It’s a rare occasion…” Sam mumbles. “I made the mistake of asking him what actually happened to Cas. He told me and Jack that Cas died to save him, but that was it. I know it’s painful for Dean, but… I miss Cas too… He’s one of my oldest friends, and I don’t even know how he died.”

“What happened when you asked?” Eileen pried.

“Just repeated what he told me before. Said ‘Cas saved my life, Sammy. That’s all you need to know’. Next morning, I found him slumped over the library table with books about the afterlife splayed about the place and an empty bottle of scotch in his hands.”

“Afterlife? You think he was trying to find a way to get Cas out of the Empty?”

“Must have been. I’d done the same… but there’s barely anything about the Empty in any of the documents the Men of Letter’s keep. It’s been so unknown for so long there’s just… nothing about it anywhere.” Sam told her, a hint of frustration creeping into his voice.

“Hm… I know if our roles were swapped, and it was you trapped in that place? I don’t think I’d be coping much better than Dean is.”

Something about the sentiment behind Eileen’s words sparked a realization within Sam’s mind. His gaze switched from Eileen to his brother, his face slipping into an expression of pity as all the strange moments between his best friend and his brother connected in his mind. “Oh, Dean… you’re never going to get over him, are you?”

“No, he won’t,” Eileen said, her words getting Sam to turn and face her again. “What Dean’s lost… you never really get over it. The pain never truly lessens, but… you get used to it.”

* * *

Sam had been slumped over in his chair, dead to the world when he was woken abruptly by Eileen roughly shoving his shoulder.

“Sam!” She called his name urgently. “Sam, it’s Dean! I think he’s waking up.”

Sam snapped back into consciousness at that, blinking rapidly to adjust to the bright lights of the hospital room. His gaze landed on Dean’s form, his breath hitching in surprise as Dean’s eyes flutter open. He sees the moment Dean truly comes to, eyes widening in panic at the unfamiliar surroundings. Dean raises his hand to his nose immediately, very nearly tugging out the IV line in his hand as he attempted to remove the nasal cannula wrapped around his face.

The doctor from before was by Dean’s bedside before Sam could even fully stand from his chair, who was forced to stand awkwardly behind the Doctor as he looked over Dean.

“Mr. Winchester? I’m Dr. Sullivan, I’m a surgeon here at Aultman Hospital in Canton, Ohio,” Dr. Sullivan told Dean as he gently pried Dean’s hands away from the fragile medical equipment. “Do you understand what I’ve told you so far?”

Dean’s panicked eyes fixated on Dr. Sullivan, giving a quick nod of his head at the doctor's question.

“Where’s Sammy?” Were the first words Dean croaked out.

“Your brother is right here, Mr. Winchester,” The doctor stepped off to the side, placing Sam into Dean’s line of vision. The panic visibly dropped away from Dean’s expression the second he caught sight of Sam. Then, Dean’s gaze slid over to where Eileen hovered nearby Sam, his face quickly twisting in confusion as he took her in.

“Now, I just need to perform a few quick checks on you, Mr. Winchester.” Dr. Sullivan continued on, not privy to the dumbfoundment Dean was currently trying to work through. “Can you tell me your name?”

“Dean,” Dean answered, knowing there was no point in giving a fake name seeing as the Doctor already knew his last time. “My name is Dean Winchester.”

“Fantastic,” Dr. Sullivan commented with an encouraging smile. “And we’ve already gathered that you know your brother and what his name is, so I guess we can skip that one. Do you remember what happened to you?”

Dean turned anxious eyes over to his brother. It was very unlikely that Sam told the Doctor what actually happened. Otherwise, the Doctor wouldn’t be holding together his professionalism quite as well as he is right now.

“I was attacked,” Dean went with something safe. “I… there was this metal bar… it went through me.”

“Good,” Dr. Sullivan said. Dean almost laughed. How was that good? “How do you feel?”

“Like I got impaled by a metal pole…” Dean responded dryly, wincing at the pulsating ache that sat within his back.

The Doctor cracked a sly smile at Dean’s comment, pulling a clipboard off the end of Dean’s bed. “Sense of humor’s good, a good way to cope. But to be more specific Mr. Winchester, I need you to rate your pain on a scale from one to ten. One being mild discomfort and ten being the worst.”

“Probably around a six,” Dean answered truthfully. Sure, the ache in his back was painful, but he knows it could be worse.

“Okay…” Dr. Sullivan mumbled under his breath as he scribbled away at his clipboard. “Your IV drip is attached to a steady supply of morphine right now; It should help to dull some of the more intense pain, but the effects may begin to wear off after some time. If the pain gets worse, let us know and we’ll up the dose for you.”

“Eh… I’ve been through worse, Doc.” Dean let his head drop back into the scratchy hospital pillow, closing his eyes against the bright ceiling lights.

“I’m not too sure I believe that Mr. Winchester. Though I can tell you you’re a lucky, lucky man.”

“Yeah? I don’t feel too lucky…”

“I’m not sure what else you’d call surviving a rebar to the chest other than ‘lucky’. How it missed all of your organs…” The doctor’s voice trailed off as he shifted off to a table to the side, plucking up a pair of latex gloves and snapping them on his hands. “Now, Mr. Winchester… during your surgery, we discovered some severe damage to your thoracic lumbar-,”

“My what?” Dean interrupted Dr. Sullivan.

“It’s the section of your spine just below your shoulder blades, running to the center of your back,” Dr. Sullivan answered. “When the rebar entered your back, it was forced in between two of your vertebrae. Those two were shattered, and a few above and below were fractured and pushed out of alignment. The damage to the vertebrae themselves, we were actually able to fix for the most part with the help of some titanium pins. Unfortunately, we noticed some evidence of trauma to your spinal cord.”

Sam’s heart twisted in sympathy at the way his brother's face fell. Perhaps Dean had been expecting to hear this, for he didn’t look shocked by the doctor’s words, but he most definitely looked crushed.

The doctor peeled back the sheets covering Dean, exposing his lower body to them. The doctor stepped down to the end of the bed, pressing a glove covered finger into the middle of the underside of Dean’s foot. “Can you feel this, Mr. Winchester?”

Dean couldn’t only weakly shake his head side to side, not trusting his voice to keep steady right now. He followed the doctor’s movement as he straightened back up, taking a step forward and placing a hand over Dean’s lower leg, giving his calf a gentle squeeze. “How about this?”

Again, Dean shakes his head no.

“Can you try moving your legs for me? Nothing too strenuous, just a small shift to the side will do.”

Dean stared down at his legs lying motionless on the hospital bed, certain he had never concentrated on a part of his body so hard in order to get it to move. But… no matter how hard he tries to get his legs to move… they don’t. Nothing happens, not even a twitch of his muscles. They just… lay there.

Dean doesn’t have to say anything for them to know he couldn’t do it. His face said it all.

“I’m going to touch your upper body now, okay Mr. Winchester? We just need to get an idea of where the paralysis starts.”

Paralysis. That single word bounced around in Dean’s skull. It… it couldn’t be possible. That happened to other people. It… it couldn’t happen to him, could it?

Dean’s thoughts are interrupted by the doctor’s prying fingers pressing against his ribs. Dean instinctively hisses at the pain – healed, but still sore- raising an arm to swat away the Doctor’s hand.

Wait a minute… He could feel that.

“Well, Mr. Winchester, it seems you are just full of surprises,” Dr. Sullivan said with a pleased smile. “We assumed that, with the damage, you would have lost all feeling below the injury. Seems like you still have some sensation of touch in your upper body, and we’ve already seen that you still retain full control of your arms. I think we’re well past calling you ‘lucky’. It’s a damn right miracle.”

“And what about my legs?” Dean couldn’t help but ask. “Will they… will they be like this forever? Could they heal?”

Doctor Sullivan sighed, peeling the gloves off his hands. “I want to be honest with you here; it’s very unlikely for you to regain feeling in your legs. I’m not one to say never however, and with the rapid advances of modern medicine, we really never know. But I also don’t want to give you false hope, Mr. Winchester.”

“So, this is it?” The defeated tone in Dean’s voice crumpled what was left of Sam’s strength. “I can’t walk?”

“For the time being… no. I’m sorry, Mr. Winchester. I truly am,” Dr. Sullivan shifted his sympathetic expression over to Sam and Eileen, giving them a respectful nod as he began shuffling over to the exit of the room. “I’ll be back later to run some more tests. I’ll give you three a moment.”

“Thanks, Doctor,” Sam just about got out before Dr. Sullivan slipped out of the room. Dean was staring dejectedly down at his legs, willing them to suddenly fix themselves and start moving again. Sam shot an anxious look over to Eileen, who looked torn between comforting Dean or comforting Sam.

“…You okay, Dean?” Sam asked, taking a few awkward steps closer to his brother’s side. The glare Dean shot up at him answered his question in more ways than words could. The glare quickly dropped from Dean’s face, crumpling in on himself, trying to hide away from his brother’s woeful gaze.

“I’ll be fine,” Dean assured them, putting on a clearly fake smile. “I’ll get used to it… ‘s gonna take some adjusting, is all.”

“Do you need anything?” Eileen offered timidly, hanging by Sam’s side. “Some water, maybe?”

“Could use a stiffer drink than that,” Dean joked. “Could also use an explanation as to how you’re here? You were gone when Chuck snapped everyone away.”

“Well…” Eileen said uncomfortably, sharing a worried look with Sam. “I don’t actually know…”

“It’s one of many things we’re trying to figure out. Shortly after I got you here, Eileen was dropped back where she was.” Sam said.

“What, two weeks after everyone came back?”

“Seems like it,” Sam said.

Dean leaned his head back, closing his eyes with an exasperated sigh. Sam took the opportunity of Dean averting his eyes to reach into his pocket, pulling out a metal flask and quietly unscrewing the lid.

“You know, just once it’d be nice for the Universe not to screw us over. You’d think we’d earned a break by now-,”

Dean was interrupted by a splash of holy water hitting his face, about half of it getting into his mouth. He scrunched his eyes shut against the onslaught of water, swinging his mouth closed and leaning his head to the side to spit the holy water onto the floor.

“Fair enough…” Dean mumbled, pulling up the bedsheets and drying off his face. “Pretty sure soaking a cripple on his first day earns you a one-way ticket to Hell, Sammy.”

Before Dean could crack another joke, Sam had slid the angel blade out of his pocket, advancing towards Dean. He could see the moment Dean recognized what was in his hands, eyes widening in alarm as Sam moved closer.

“Woah, Woah, wait – Sammy!”

Sam didn’t let him say anything else, He grabbed his brother by the arm, pulling it straight and slicing across the tender skin. To Sam’s horror, the cut that appeared quickly flared with a bluish light, stitching up the small gash instantaneously. Sam’s eyes flickered up to see that same blue light appear in Dean’s eyes, completely overtaking the green of his irises until all Sam could see was that dazzling blueish white light.

“Sam, stop!” Dean’s posture had changed completely. He had straightened up as much as his damaged spine would let him, his movements stiff and uncoordinated as he reached out a hand to stop Sam. His voice had dropped a few octaves, impossibly deep in tone to the point it sounded like Dean’s vocal cords were being shredded apart.

Sam pressed the angel that was possessing his brother into the bed with one hand on its shoulder, holding the angel blade against its neck. The thing using Dean’s eyes glances down anxiously to the blade, the angel’s hand on his arm insistently pushing him away. Eileen stood nearby, checking the door to make sure no one would come into the room.

“Stop cutting Dean,” The angel commanded urgently. “I don’t have enough grace left to keep healing him like this.”

“Which one are you?” Sam spat at him, pressing the blade even closer as a threat. “Why the hell are you possessing my brother?”

“To save his life,” The angel insisted. “And to save mine. Sam, it’s me. It’s Cas.”

Sam blinked in surprise, lessening the pressure on Dean’s neck without really thinking about it. “Cas? No, that’s… that’s not possible… Dean said, he… You’re dead.”

“And so was Eileen,” Castiel pointed out, giving a small nod of his head towards the woman in question, careful not to catch himself on the blade against his neck.

“I don’t believe you,” Sam said with a shake of his head. “You can’t be Cas. You just… you can’t be.”

“When we first met, Dean had to stop you from shooting me,” Castiel began, the statement catching Sam off guard. “You were rather star-struck upon meeting me; having been the first time you had met an angel. My opinion of you at the time was rather harsh: the boy with the demon blood. But Dean helped me to see you in a different light. In the way he sees you. It was enough for me to be willing to dive back into Hell and recover your soul after you sacrificed yourself for the world.”

Sam was frozen in place, gaze fixated on the eyes that were his brothers, but also weren’t.

“Once, years after meeting you, I realized just how similar we were. Our fear of failing those we love, of letting down those we lead. Our willingness to sacrifice ourselves for the ‘greater good’. You nearly got yourself killed trying to make things right, to track down Gadreel and bring him to justice. But I wouldn’t do what you asked. I had to make you see your life was more valuable than that.”

The blade slipped away from Cas’s neck, held loosely in Sam’s hand as he stared down at Dean Cas in disbelief. “…Cas?

Castiel visibly relaxed as the blade dropped away from his neck, giving Sam a firm nod in response. Sam stood agape for a few more seconds before throwing himself forward, wrapping an arm around the back of his neck and pulling Cas into an awkwardly angled hug. Sam knew it was definitely Cas when Dean’s hands come to rest at his back, giving Sam a few clumsy pats before committing to the hug and squeezing Sam closer.

Yep. That’s Cas, alright.

“How the hell are you alive?” Sam asked once they broke apart, glancing over to Eileen to gauge her reaction. Eileen was still stood by the door, looking unsure as to what she should do now. Sam tucked the angel blade back into his jacket, sitting back down in the chair next to Dean’s bed. “Dean said you were gone?”

“I was,” Cas answered. “I’m… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you or your brother. Dean knows now of course, but… I had made a deal.”

“What kind of deal?” Eileen asked warily from beside the door, eyes flickering between Sam and Castiel. “A demon deal?”

Castiel shook his head. “I have no soul to barter with a Demon, so, no. This was shortly after Jack had succumbed to his illness, you see. When I found him in Heaven, we were being chased by the Empty.”

“The Empty can get into Heaven?” Sam asked.

“Apparently so. It believed that, since Jack was part angel, he belonged to the Empty after death. However, Heaven had already claimed Jack, because of his soul. I didn’t have a choice, Sam. I offered myself up to the Empty in exchange for Jack’s life. The Empty took that deal.”

“But… it’s been over a year since we lost Jack,” Sam questioned, brows furrowing in his confusion. “Why hadn’t the Empty taken you? Why now?”

Castiel tore his gaze away from Sam, looking at anything in the room other than the two pairs of peering eyes. “The Empty added an extra part to our deal. It would only take me… once I experienced a moment of true happiness.”

Sam glanced over to Eileen at this, matching expressions of wonder on their faces. It was rare to see Castiel this uncomfortable during a conversation.

“Billie was dying, and she wanted to take me and Dean with her,” Castiel continued before Sam could add anything.  “Dean and I had barely just escaped her for the moment, but I could only buy us a few extra minutes before she got to us. So… I did the only thing I could. I summoned the Empty by fulfilling our deal, and it took Billie with me.”

“And… you fulfilled your deal by… experiencing a moment of true happiness?” Sam timidly asked.

“Yes,” Castiel was still refusing to meet Sam’s gaze, staring down at his hands in his lap.

“…You’re not going to tell me what that was, are you?”

“No.”

Castiel’s answer wasn’t all too surprising to Sam. While it was true that Castiel had opened up to him more over the years they’ve known each other, he was still quite reserved when it came to these kinds of things. Probably something he picked up from Dean… And yet, Castiel’s hesitation actually gave away more than he was probably intending to. A moment of true happiness. Castiel had managed to experience a moment of true happiness – with Dean. And now, as Sam thinks to the extra bottles of beer he found lying around the Bunker, and Dean’s sudden urge to be all cuddly with Miracle… he’s beginning to understand why Dean had been mourning Cas just a little differently than he had last time.

“Cas… if the deal was fulfilled, then… how did you get out?” Sam asked.

Castiel was grateful for the subject change, some of the tension in his posture slipping away. “Your brother, I believe. When Dean was… when he was dying, he began praying to me.”

“He reached you in the Empty?” Eileen asked, voice alight with incredulity.

“Dean and I… our bond is rare. There aren’t many angels that know humans on a personal level. Most prayers to angels are of the common ones we get: asking for help, for guidance, for a show of faith. They’re rarely ever directed at those individual angels. And they’re never usually packed with so much emotion. Especially not… not…”

“Not what?” Sam pressed on.

“Those emotions aren’t typically for that angel. Jack was able to reach me in the Empty with a combination of his powers, and his desire to have me back. Dean was able to reach me through his fear of death, his desperation to have someone save him… and his longing to see me again.”

Sam didn’t really know how he was supposed to respond to that. This was a conversation about his brother that seemed a bit more… intimate than he’s comfortable with. Especially when he knows Dean is sat somewhere within his own body, perhaps even listening into their conversation right now.

“Wow… Uh, I mean - - I’m still a little shell shocked at the minute… Don’t get me wrong, I’m… I’m thrilled to have you back, Cas. I missed you. You and Jack. Except, at least with Jack I knew he was still here, but… you were dead, and Dean wouldn’t talk to me about it, and… it’s all been a bit much.”

“I can imagine,” Castiel said with an understanding smile.

“What’s the deal with… you know-” Sam gestured to Dean’s body. “-This. Why are you possessing Dean? What happened to your body?”

Castiel opened his mouth to answer when an odd look twisted across his features. It almost looked like he was trying to listen for something, his eyes dull and unfocused.

“Uh… Cas?” Sam asked, snapping his fingers in front of Cas’s face. “You there, man?”

“Yes,” Castiel answered, a bit more clarity coming into his eyes. “Apologies, but Dean is getting rather uncomfortable being ‘forced into the passenger’s seat’.” Castiel raised his hands to place quotation marks over the words.

“Okay… what does that-,”

Dean’s body straightened up again, eyes flashing with angelic grace before returning to the usual soft green eyes of his brother. Dean blinked in a daze as he came back into his own body, giving a little shiver to try and clear the odd feeling.

“Man, that’s gonna take some getting used to,” Dean muttered, his voice raised back to his usual tone. “I’m kinda glad Michael placed me into that fake dream world while he was possessing me…”

“You say that like this isn’t going to be temporary…” Sam noted.

“For the time being… this is all we’ve got,” Dean replied with a shrug of his shoulders. “Cas is too weak to jump into another vessel after using up nearly all his grace to keep my dumb ass from dying. So yeah, for the time being, Cas is shacking up in my head.”

“For how long?”

“No idea. Current plan of action is to find a way to recreate his body again.”

“Recreate?” Eileen spluttered, interjecting into the brother’s conversation.

“Doesn’t sound easy, does it?” Dean replied gloomily. “The Empty pretty much deleted Cas’s body when it took him. No way of getting it back…”

“Well, what about his grace?” Sam threw out the suggestion. “Isn’t there a way we can ‘recharge’ it back to normal levels?”

‘Not without potentially throwing Heaven into chaos, no.’

Dean startled so harshly at the voice in his head that it got Sam to his feet in seconds, ready to sprint out of the room and find a Doctor in the fear that his brother was having some sort of seizure.

“Jesus, Cas!” Dean spoke out loud to the room, only confusing Sam and Eileen more. “How the hell did you do that?”

‘Do what? Talk to you? Like this.’

‘Yeah, but you’re talking in my head.’

‘As are you.’

‘What?’

‘You’re not speaking out loud, Dean. Only I can hear you when we talk like this.’

“Dean!”

Dean snapped back to reality at his brother’s distraught voice. Sam was shaking his shoulder whilst Eileen had seemingly teleported to his side, an equally anxious look on her face.

“What the hell was that, Dean?” Sam demanded. “You just zoned out on us!”

‘You’ll have to work on diverting your attention between what’s happening and what I’m saying, or you might freak out the doctors and we’ll have to stay in the hospital longer.’

“Whoa…” Dean exclaimed, raising a hand to his head. “This is weird…”

“What’s weird?” Sam asked, voice growing more agitated at Dean’s elusiveness.

“Me and Cas have got this weird Vulcan mind mend thing going on,” Dean answered, tapping at his head. “He’s talking in my head; and apparently… I can talk back to him too?”

“Uh… you sure you didn’t… imagine it?” Sam asked.

‘I can assure you Dean that you aren’t suffering from any brain damage that would lead to hallucinations of my voice.’

“Cas says I’m not crazy, so yeah - I’m pretty sure, Sammy,” Dean answered, voice dripping with sarcasm.

“Oh, does that mean Cas can hear and see everything you’re seeing?” Eileen sounded genuinely fascinated by all of this.

‘Yes, so long as you want me to, Dean. With enough effort, you would be able to block me out. Although, at my currently weakened state, it likely wouldn’t take much effort at all.’

‘Nah, I wouldn’t do that to you, Cas. Makes it easier this way anyway – you could probably point out stuff I don’t usually pick up on. And this way, you can still be part of the conversation; though guess I have to be your translator to pass on the message.’

‘Thank you, Dean… Eileen and Sam are looking worried again, you might want to refocus yourself.’

Sure enough, when Dean focused back into reality, Sam looked about ready to slap him back into the conversation. “Sorry, I promise I’ll get better at listening to Cas and talking at the same time. And yeah, Cas says he can hear and see everything I do.”

‘With your permission.’

“With my permission,” Dean adds.

“Huh… must be weird for Cas to be possessing you.”

“Why’s that?” Dean asked with a questioning frown.

“Well – I assume you’re the one that’s going to be in control most of the time, right?”

“That’s the plan, yeah,” Dean answered.

“Then it’s probably going to be weird having it the other way around.”

‘I have experienced this before when Lucifer was possessing me. You are a much better companion than Lucifer, Dean, so it’s not too weird.’

‘Is that a compliment? I’m assuming it’s a compliment. Doubt it takes much to be a better companion than freakin’ Lucifer, though.’

‘I suppose not. But there’s no other human I would want to share a body with than you, Dean.’

“Alright, Cas is getting weird so I’m going to cut him off,” Dean told them with a strained smile. “Cas said he’s cool with it.”

“Uh-huh… That all he said?” Sam pressed his brother for more.

“Hey, I’ll tell you everything Cas directs to you. Everything Cas says to me, is my business.”

The corner of Sam’s mouth twitched as he fought hard to keep his laughter from bubbling out. “Dean, that… you’ve got to realize how that just sounded.”

‘I don’t understand… how did it sound?’

‘Sammy probably thinks you’re talking dirty to me in my head.’

‘Oh… I’m… not?’

‘I know you’re not, Cas. Sam’s just being nosy.’

“Good job, Sam. You embarrassed Cas,” Dean scolded him.

“I didn’t say anything!”

“Yeah, but you implied something, and it made Cas uncomfortable.”

‘Maybe it would be best if I left for a bit…’

‘What? No, Cas – you don’t have to do that. I’ll change the subject.’

“I made Cas uncomfortable? You sure it’s not you that’s uncomfortable?” Sam continued to tease.

“Whatever you say, Sammy,” Dean conceded with hands raised in the air.

“Isn’t there more important things we should be talking about?” Eileen cut into their childish sibling argument. “We still don’t know what brought me back, or why. And rebuilding Cas’s body? Do we even know if that’s possible?”

“We won’t know until we look into it further,” Dean answered, turning cautious eyes over to the door, unsure as to whether the footsteps he heard were heading towards their room. “And we can’t do that until we get back home to the bunker…”

‘Dean… I think the doctors are going to want to keep you in the hospital for a few more days… And I’m inclined to agree with them.’

‘What? I feel fine-,’

‘We’re sharing a body, Dean. I know you’re not ‘fine’. You only feel fine for the moment because of the painkillers you’re on. You need a few extra days for your body to heal and adjust to its alterations.’

‘If the only problem is me handling pain, I can assure you I can do that from the bunker, Cas.’

‘It’s not just that, Dean. I… I can’t heal you anymore. At all. If something were to go wrong, if you re-damaged your back and began bleeding internally… there’s nothing I could do. Please, just… a few extra days here is all I ask.’

‘Dammit… Alright, fine, Cas. Only because you asked so nicely…’

Dean decided not to add his crippling fear of what would happen to Cas if something happened to him.

’Thank you, Dean.’

‘Yeah, yeah… Besides, it’s not like we have to worry about a time limit this go around. You’re good so long as you don’t use any of your grace, right?’

‘Oh, um… yes. Yes, I should be fine if I don’t use any.’

“Alright, clearly you and Cas want some alone time,” Sam teased Dean mercilessly, giving Dean’s leg a light slap as he stood from the chair.

“What? No! That’s not-,”

“I’m joking, Dean,” Sam said with a smile, much too pleased with himself for Dean’s liking. “I need to go talk to the doctor about how long they think you need to stay… Then I really need to head back to the bunker and check up on Miracle; find a place that’ll take her while we’re here.”

“Oh, I see. The dog’s more important than your poor injured brother, huh?”

“Don’t pretend like you wouldn’t kick my ass for leaving her there alone.”

“You two have a very weird sibling dynamic…” Eileen said with a shake of her head.

‘Can you tell Eileen I couldn’t agree with her more?’

‘Don’t you start sassing me in my head, Cas.’

“Cas said he agrees with you…” Dean mumbled dejectedly, passing on Cas’s message.  Sam embarrassingly signed the message to Eileen who couldn’t make out Dean’s mumbles, cracking into laughter at the two brother’s shame at being called out.

“You want me to pick up anything from the bunker while I’m there?” Sam asked over the last of Eileen’s giggles. “Some books, maybe?”

“Could use my laptop for research – and no, not the ‘sexy’ type of research, before you say it.”

‘Sexy research?’

‘Porn, Cas. Porn.’

‘Oh… Um, if you could warn me in advance before you watch such content, I’ll put myself to sleep-,’

‘Stop talking, Cas. Stop talking right now.’

Dean already knew his face was burning a bright red. Sam and Eileen’s questioning looks were enough evidence of that

“…Laptop, got it,” Sam said after quite the gap in their conversation. “Uh… anything else?”

“A new change of clothes for when I get out of here… Don’t really fancy struggling out of here in this hospital gown with my ass hanging out in the wind.”

“You could have stopped at the first sentence. I really didn’t need that image in my head.” Sam said, face scrunching with disgust as he pulled the Impala’s keys out of his jacket pocket. “You gonna be okay here on your own for the night?”

“I’m not on my own. I’ve got Cas, remember?” Dean said, a smile creeping onto his face at the thought. Sam rolled his eyes as he turned away – for what reason Dean didn’t want to think about – gesturing with head to Eileen to follow him out of the room.

‘Ain’t that right, Cas? You’ll keep me company for the night, won’t you?’

The silence Dean got from his head was enough for the light-hearted smile on his face to slip away.

‘…Cas?’

‘You told me to stop talking.’

Dean snorted out loud, the sound catching Sam and Eileen off guard just before they stepped out from the room, sharing knowing looks and sly smiles with one another.

‘Damn… You have no idea how much I missed you, Cas.’

* * *

Next Chapter --->

[theholycovenantrpg]

CONGRATULATIONS, JADE! YOU’VE BEEN ACCEPTED FOR THE ROLE OF JUDAS.

Admin Jen: There aren’t enough words to capture the sheer magnitude of your portrayal, but I would say your writing definitely gets the job and speaks for itself, Jade. You have such keen insight into Judas and the various intricacies that play into his character, and you explored it all so beautifully in your app. My favorite part was certainly the plots and the limitless possibilities they posed for Judas, but every other portion of the app only added onto it and propelled your vision further. It was so compelling to read through, and it left me so unbelievably excited to see Judas prowling and scheming on the dash! Please create and send in your account, review the information on our CHECKLIST, and follow everyone on the FOLLOW LIST. Welcome to the Holy Land!

OUT OF CHARACTER

Alias | Jade

Age | 27

Preferred Pronouns | She/her

Activity Level | My schedule is nothing if not predictable these days! Covid has me almost exclusively sitting at home on the couch, so barring the time that I spend with my husband, I’m usually around. I don’t always have it in me to write every day, but I think it would be reasonable to expect me on the dash multiple days per week.

Timezone | PST

Triggers | REMOVED

How did you find the rp?  |  Through Rosey’s grapevine!

IN CHARACTER

Character | The infamous, the great betrayer himself — Judas (ju-da-ah-ahhhhh!!)

What future plots do you have in mind for the character? | Where do you see this character developing, and what kind of actions would you have them take to get there? 3 future plot ideas would be preferable.

I | KING OF EVERYTHING

Judas’s ultimate goal, once the last wars have been waged, is to claim the Holy Land for himself. Sorry, for demonkind — but, ruled by and submitting to, himself. He formed Infernum’s government with intention, hiding the monopoly of his power amongst a consortium of others who allegedly hold sway as well, allowing Damien to be the face of the revolution while his hand guided from the shadows. For some time, it has served him well, but contentedness is a poison he cannot swallow. He looks towards the Holy Land and greed takes his reins yet again, his hollowed stomach in knots thinking about a world in which the people bow to a power he does not hold firmly between his teeth. There are a multitude of ways he might go about it, and I’d be eager to plot out the possible angles with other writers, but I do believe that Judas will, at some point, make a play to claim the Holy Land. That might be through political division — sewing lies amongst the people, breeding distrust in the Tridium and their current way of being. It might be through betrayal, tried and ever true — to sell the Tridium out to a rogue set of Heretics, an insurgent with a grudge.. whoever might be interested, really. Or, if all else fails, perhaps by declaration of war.

II | COLLECTING FROM CONQUEST

He’s no fool. He knows the value of a blank check with Dmitri’s name on it, and he’s been waiting patiently for the right time to cash it. While Judas doesn’t yet have his exact ask envisioned, he knows one thing for certain — when he calls upon the favor he’d earned by saving old Conquest, it won’t be for something as small as a discounted price on a hit. No, it’ll be saved for the moment he makes his play towards the Holy Land — war times, when he’s sure to benefit most from the protection of the healing horseman. Until then, he finds such a wicked joy in taunting Dmitri with his silence on the matter.

III | GRASPING THE STARS

I imagine Judas carries a heavy interest in just who is going to be selected as the Stars, and will be doing what he can to sway mortal perception in favor of whoever he feels will best represent the demons’ interests. Azazel plays her part, but a loyal mortal amongst the Tridium would serve Infernum well, particularly in keeping Gabriel at bay. He’ll do what he can to put the right person in the position — and if that fails, he’ll be sure to slither up alongside who is elected and make their close acquaintance.

IV | CONSPIRING WITH THE HERETICS

Should Judas decide that sewing distrust in the Tridium’s ability to maintain peace and safety is the best move, I imagine he may try to use the world’s hatred of the Heretics to his benefit. I could see him providing rogue groups of Heretics or Heretic sympathizers with information about or access to gatherings, parties, political events, what have you. Surely, a resurgence of the Heretics would cause a panic — one that may make the populus question whether their leaders are the best leaders. Who might he set them on, though? Maybe he’d give them an opportunity to assassinate an angel, or even one of his own. Maybe he’d sick them on innocents. The precise move would depend on what’s happening in-game, but this type of betrayal is surely possible!

V | PUPPETEERING THE TRIDIUM

There was a reason he’d reached his hand up to Azazel from the pits of hell, pulled her down into his kingdom and taught her all he could. He’d seen what could be forged from a thing like her — the way she could enchant, the way she inspired adoration. She made for a Moon both palatable and unthreatening — a beauty that begged to be worshipped by the masses, and a mind that cared not for the politics of it all. While she wears the crown, Judas sees the strings as his to pull. I imagine him very much attempting to use Azazel as a means of enacting his particular will amongst the Tridium. He trusts that she’ll continue to represent the interests he instructs her to, so long as the praise keeps coming — and oh, he’s aware of just how key praise is in getting anywhere with Azazel. I see Judas showering Azazel in attention and blessings, all the time, even when there isn’t something he’d like her to get done in the Holy Land. It makes it far more likely she’ll be agreeable when there is.

VI | BETRAYAL OF AZAZEL

Should all mentioned above work without a hitch, I don’t see Judas finding a reason to betray Azazel aside from sheer boredom — though, don’t discount that as a very, very real possibility. I think Judas keeps a particular watch on Azazel, most notably on where her interests lie. If he begins to notice her prioritizing the Tridium before Infernum, things change. If she’s no longer a use to him, she’s a target, and there are plenty of ways I can see Judas trying to target her. As a prominent political figure in the Holy Land, something bad happening to Azazel would cause some sort of political uprising that Judas could surely take advantage of — maybe he arranges her kidnapping, maybe her death. Maybe he just sets her up to look incompetent and make a fool of herself. It would all depend!

VII | WAR ALONGSIDE DAMIEN

From the moment he saw Damien, he’d had a plan for him — to guide the child towards his destiny and his father’s demise. He’d needed Damien as the face of his revolution against Lucifer, but more importantly, he’d needed Damien’s powers for war on earth. Through whisper and trial, Judas had crafted the Antichrist into the weapon that would destroy the Morning Star. Though peace has persisted for years, Judas sees another war ahead of them — one in which the demons stake their claim on the Holy Land, and in that war, he needs Damien’s power of devastation more than ever before. I see Judas subtly preparing Damien for another war, planting seeds of anger and fight in him, winding him up and preparing to unleash him on the world yet again. But, this time, when a new order is established, I don’t imagine Judas sees Damien as any sort of king. No, when the Holy Land is conquered, it will be with Damien as a war general, and Judas on the throne.

VIII | BETRAYAL OF DAMIEN

As time ticks on, Judas grows more and more resentful about the invisible crown Damien seems to be growing a bit too comfortable underneath. While he views Damien as an instrumental piece in his eventual takeover of the Holy Land, and one of his most cherished weapons, Judas’s patience could easily be tested if Damien begins to grow a bit too power-hungry. I could see a legitimate rift building in Infernum, in which some sort of civil war erupts between Judas and his protege for the true crown.

IX | MINDING THE CELLS

In Abaddon, he sees something almost resembling an equal. He trusts her with the keeping of the Cells, he trusts she’ll allow him the kind of access and influence over the prisoners that he needs, while never aspiring to threaten his rule and supporting all his endeavours. Ever an opportunist, I think Judas uses Abaddon to keep a close eye on who’s currently in lock-up, and how they might prove useful. I imagine him either prowling the cells alongside Abaddon, looking for abilities or gifts that he could weaponize, or unfortunate souls he can use as scapegoats in various plots, or heretic sympathizers to manipulate, conspire with, and unleash. While he’d never say it explicitly, I imagine Judas is silently keeping an eye out for some sort of being with a power he could one day weaponize against the Antichrist himself, should the need ever arise to deliver Damien his ruination.

X | BETRAYAL OF ABADDON

As Abaddon struggles with the duality of her nature, wrestling with her angelic remains, I’m curious to see how Judas responds. I imagine he might view any further exploration into her angelic nature as a threat to her loyalty, and if he fears she’s disloyal, he’s not above throwing her to the wolves — perhaps locking her in her own cells if he suspects her of holding interests elsewhere, or unlocking a few doors and setting on her a legion of prisoners hungry for vengeance. You know, just an idea.

XI | BETRAYAL OF JUDAS

The one we’ve all been waiting for — the plot in which the tables finally turn, and it’s Judas who’s blindly turned on by someone he’d made the mistake of trusting. While the details of this would be entirely up to other players and what they might have in mind, I would gladly offer him up to learn what it feels like on the pointy end of betrayal.

Are you comfortable with killing off your character? | Should the circumstance be right, and I could still find a way to be a part of the group post-mortem as another character, I could be convinced!

Driving Character Motivation | What motivates your character’s actions? How does it define them? Where does this motivation stem from?

IN DEPTH

In a word, himself — more specifically, the advancement of the self, full utilization of every opportunity he’s given to climb ever higher. Within Judas lives an insatiable thirst for power, a desire to devour and rebuild in his name and image. No matter how many lives he holds firmly in his palm, there are always more to seize. A master strategist, with moves planned to be executed as early as tonight’s dusk and as far-away as the new era he’ll one day reign over uncontested, he sees the path of greatness he’s laid out for himself, and it propels him ever forward. His selfish, greedy, hungry soul has never rested, never waved a flag of white. He cast the Son of God out from the earth, and Lucifer himself from the pits of hell — and yet still, he craves more.. More power, more leverage, more shadowed spiderweb strings with which to puppeteer his ever-growing consortium of underlings. It’s not enough. Nothing will ever be enough. 

Both his most rudimentary nature, down to his rotting marrow, and God’s wicked predestiny may share accountability in equal parts.

We’ll first address what comes from within. Something dark and nebulous has always festered in the pits of him — an emptiness that knew only how to want. That blackness, rumbling hollow and empty, is sin itself, as entwined with his being as the ligaments and cartilage that held his human bones together. Amongst the reasons his eventual rise led him to the Conclave rather than an anointment as one of Damien’s vices, his most favored is that he simply cannot be reduced to a single manifestation of sin. A gluttonous appetite that the body and blood of Christ himself could not sate. A deep-rooted greed able to mistake the glint of silver for salvation. A silent pride so resounding he bathes himself in absolution, while wicked wrath condemns the rest. Even as he followed the Son of God and recited his teachings, the devil perched himself comfortably on his shoulder, whispering of selfishness, of indulgence, of power, and Judas drank each word until their voices became one.

The thing about sin is, it is inherently unsatisfied. It is the lacking of something, of glory itself — a hunger that wants to be fed, an envy that wants to seize. Sin is desire, and thus, he, sin incarnate, is desire perpetual. It’s a curse of his unholy nature that he’ll never truly be content. What is contentment, what is happiness, but a surrender? An abandonment of progress? The enemy of greatness? The end? He cannot simply allow dust to settle, nor allow the light peeking from behind the horizon to cast itself against his back and force upon him a life no longer concealed by shadows. He won’t have it. With each iteration of the universe, he’ll pick utopia apart bone by bone until he finds a reason to loathe it, foraging for discontentment, because it is his only way forward. What a cruel trick on God’s part, that He sculpted a creature who cannot stomach the taste of sweetness. He spits it back into the dirt, dissatisfied, and instead chews on the bitter, the propulsion of his own vileness, the most indulgent, comforting flavor he’s come to know.

Now, allow us to return to Him for a moment. All predispositions for blasphemy, Judas can blame on Him. Judas Iscariot had been born a man — human, fallible, like every waking creature of the Lord. And, as it did to all other humans, sin had crept its way into his veins and claimed him. He’d done what the man he’d betrayed had taught him to do — in his momentary guilt, he’d sought absolution, repentance, for having allowed the devil to take hold. Still, he remained damned on arrival, a pawn in God’s game with a fate predestined for ruin. Had God not sculpted Judas Himself? And He dared punish Judas for personifying His own design? All of it, pre-orchestrated back when the cosmos were but babes — and thus, all of it, exhaustive and fruitless to fight. If he was to be damned, then let him be damned. That damnation wouldn’t rule him. He’d rule it. Even now that God has been vanquished, and Lucifer alongside him, Judas is ever driven by his resentment and anger towards the paradox his maker cursed him with. That anger manifests in Judas’s unquenchable thirst to build himself an empire greater than any God ever could, to build himself into an entity more powerful, more feared. It’s the only way to prove himself bigger than God’s alleged all-encompassing predestiny, greater than a handful of verses written by men who would be but footnotes underneath his gospel.

Character Traits | OPTIONAL. Please list 3 positive traits and 3 negative traits that you identify in the character you’re applying for. 

+ | PATIENT  (see also: steadfast)

To blaspheme one of His virtues by wielding it as a weapon is simply in Judas’s gospel. Finding an innate way to corrupt even the most holy of traits, his patience has put time itself to the test. With an eternity to burn, and God to thank for that, he’s learned to control human impulses and embrace the power of ensuring things unfold at the right time. Ever with an end vividly envisioned for the selection of foes currently at odds against him, he strikes at the time of heaviest impact. Never too early. Never too late. 

+ | DIPLOMATIC (see also: persuasive)

He can convince anyone of anything. Including himself. His tongue can twist the vile and thorny, disguise it as something candied, dripping in nectar. It makes him an excellent representative, able to keep his head about him for the sake of maintaining relationships. He understands the importance of people, of connections — in the hands of one who knows how to properly wield them, they’re a far more powerful weapon than any sword or spell.

+ | STRATEGIC (see also: cunning, clever, perceptive)

He always has a plan — for everyone, for everything, at all times. One of two questions can be asked of everyone in his life — what value do you provide me, or alternatively, how might I destroy you? It’s only ever one of those two, and he’s often got a fully fleshed out strategy plotted either way. He thinks in terms of the war, not just the battle, planning moves that might not come to fruition for millennia. Once one goal has been reached, he finds another, and begins again.

+ | STRONG (see also: formidable)

Not one to be easily intimidated, he does not back down when challenged or threatened. In fact, he’s more likely to actively seek out a fight or rivalry, simply to demonstrate his fortitude.

+ | COMPOSED (see also: controlled, intentional)

If you can read the emotion on his face, it’s simply because he wants you to. He has a commanding sort of control over his composure, one that demonstrates discipline and demands respect. Not to say he can’t hurl insults and roar — but that when he does, it’s because he chooses to; because that’s what his analysis has decided will serve him best in the moment.

- | SELFISH (see also: disloyal, corrupt)

He’d drive a knife into anyone’s back if it would get him a single step further — he wouldn’t even hesitate. Ultimately, looking down another soul’s path does him no good, he’s decided. There is only him — his own glory, his own road to revolution. There are guests along the way, some he favors more than others, but he is the only thing that will persist and endure. The center of his world, that will always be his core — but he’s mastered the art of pretending otherwise. Despite the way he’ll swear his allegiance to a millennia-old friend, there isn’t a soul he wouldn’t sell. For those he has yet to, it’s simply because it’s not yet the right time, the right place, or the right price.

- | VENGEFUL (see also: ruthless, resentful, begrudging)

His anger is a quiet one, one that’s hidden in dark places, growing thorns, festering and rotting until a grudge grows so old its stench simply demands attention. He does not forget a single transgression, a curse for an immortal. His rage is cycled into revenge, and he enacts it gleefully. Perhaps not today, perhaps not tomorrow, but if you’ve wronged him, whether you know it or not, you can be assured he’ll strike — but not until it benefits him the most, and cuts you the deepest.

- | INSATIABLE (see also: power-hungry, greedy, indulgent)

He’s always been a bit of a magpie, shiny silver things calling to him — and everything celestial simply glows. He is a being made of wanting, hungry to devour lands and stomp his boot on the wreckage. No matter what he achieves, which luxuries he tastes, how much power he is truly able to seize, his curse is that none of it will ever satisfy.

- | MANIPULATIVE (see also: conniving, duplicitous)

While he may have a handful if favored pawns, everyone in his life is a pawn nonetheless. He’s prepared to scheme against and sacrifice any and everyone that stands between he and his ends, keeping his cards close to his chest, most often with true intentions known to himself and him alone. Oh, and he’s an excellent liar.

- | DESTRUCTIVE (see also: implosive)

Judas is not the kind that will ever find happiness in peace. In fact, he is not the kind that will ever accept true happiness at all. In his quest for ever more, he’s always striving for something, always needing to rip something content apart so he can sculpt something of his own in its place. I believe this translates to people, as well. He’s never known how to accept love; he actively rejects it. How could he not? Had God Himself not told him he was never destined for love? In time, his response to comfort and acceptance is always the same — to turn his back on it, to crush the heart offered to him. He did it to Christ, who welcomed him as his disciple. He did it to Lucifer, who loved him like a son. Should another make the mistake of loving him, he’ll do it again.

In-Character Para Sample | There is no minimum or maximum word count to this para sample, but we do encourage that you highlight your character’s VOICE and MANNERISMS within it.

THE GOSPEL OF JUDAS: A STUDY IN SILVER

ACT I | PIECES

It begins with a glint, a wash of light caught against the body of silver that’s piled neatly in three stacks of ten, blindingly beautiful. Then, a proposition — to surrender the one he calls teacher, Rabbi, friend.

Should they have negotiated in whispers in the dark, offering only empty promises of treasures to come, perhaps Judas Iscariot may have remained faithful to his so-called Lord’s teachings of honor and conviction. Alas, they don’t. No, he offers to betray his God under warm, bright lights, before a pile of riches that shine so bright he can’t see the blood that taints them. 

“The one I kiss,” he commands the lawmen. “He’s the one.” His head nods in slow, stern affirmation. His eyes remain locked with that bewitching stack of silver. What a transfixing, all-consuming thing greed can be, making itself at home in him once again like an old friend. Bewitched fingers snake around a single piece, the silver’s ice a delightful chill as he slides it into a pocket; one now, as a deposit. The rest later, once the deed is done.

As he throws heavy garden doors open, police following in hordes and numbers, he bears a smile that shines as bright as the piece that sits with comfortable, reassuring weight in his pocket. “Greetings, Rabbi!” he bellows, and as he steps boldly forwards, he places the Son of God’s face in his hands, pulls his lips into his, and is irrevocably damned. Mouth pressed firm against that of Christ, he does not taste divinity; it turns to ash on his tongue as he seals the fate God himself had promised.

He watches, proud, as the Lord is dragged away, as Christ’s disciples turn their swords towards the soldiers in retaliation and heartbreak, all the while, his hand in his pocket, twirling that single piece of silver between his fingertips.

Some present will come to say in their recountings that this is the day Satan entered Judas Iscariot, pierced him with sharp talons and claimed him for the hellions. These men lie. To give the Morning Star credit would be blasphemous to his gospel, for the greatest devil the world will know is not perched upon a throne in the fires of hell. He is born of the organic rot found only in the pits of fallible man.

ACT II | TONGUE

In the forges of hell, riches take a new shape. The wealth he’d condemned himself for? Worthless in death, reduced to a river of shapeless molten sterling. He has no choice but to adapt. He allows that silver to coat his tongue instead, and in their union they both evolve and yet remain entirely unchanged. 

Infernal wings sprout from his shoulders and the devil himself casts his favor upon him, and Judas is acutely aware of just how unique he is amongst his new brethren — dare he say, simply, better? What feat is it to have manifested from nothing, to wield powers that were gifted rather than earned? Is the true mark of a demon not in his will? His ability to rely not on divinity to bring ruination, but on merely the curve of his lips and the void in his chest? 

The thought tastes poisonous each time it simmers to the surface — his dissatisfaction with Lucifer’s status quo, though it remains to be seen whether it’s hell’s regime in particular that he loathes, or the existence of any regime whose reins he does not hold. It’s not important, not as he gathers demons eternal and fledgling alike in crooked, cavernous shadows, whispering curated falsehoods to them in the dark until they claim his anger and hunger as their own.

“A kiss — that’s the signal,” he repeats to each of them, his words carbon. “Only then, is it time.” 

It will not be time for quite some time, though Judas lives every day as if it might be — sowing ever deeper his seeds of doubt in their liege, parsing Lucifer’s each breath, examining his hallmark overconfidence, watching the hellish love with which he showers his kin as he demonstrates he knows nothing of the revolution that his most wicked ward brews in the dark.

He wakes that day not yet aware that the day has come — not until he hears Lucifer beckon for him from his altar. “My Lord?”Judas asks, the word silken as it slides over his lips, wrapping all disdain in luxe and warmth. 

“I can sense it, Judas,” the devil smiles. “A soul on earth has proven themselves. Go to them, and drag them home with you.”

Judas pauses, and when he listens, he registers not the words Lucifer says. What he hears is: the day is now. It’s a straw as small as any that breaks Judas’s back — the most rudimentary form of disrespect, to task hell’s crown jewel with a hound’s fetch-and-retrieve mission. He cares not to see the love in Satan’s request; what is spoken in between the words of Lucifer’s decree is Judas’s value, his Lord’s pride in his work, his trust in him over all the rest. It is in loving him, that the devil gives Judas the power to destroy him.

“Yes, my Lord. I’ll set out at once.” He nods along with his empty assurance, and with a look upwards, he meets his maker’s eyes with finality, casting him a last glistening smile before laying palms on either of the devil’s cheeks. “Goodbye, my Morning Star,” he wishes, and he means it, pressing his lips to Lucifer’s and savoring the taste of sin.

He pulls away, and the devil’s eyes open to the same sight that had brought the ruin of the Christ child — Judas Iscariot’s beaming, prideful smile, an army at his back, swords drawn, but this time, led not by the Sanhedrin. It is the antichrist that carries the charge, his own menacing grin drawing nearer, as hell’s usurpers claim their new order.

The devil is dead. Long live the devil.

ACT III | CROWN

“Thank you for coming on such short notice,” he hums, allowing the thick iron door of the Conclave’s court to close loudly behind him. “We reconvene soon. I don’t have long.”

Lie. It is he who called the recess, and it is he who will decide when it ends. He shares none of this with Damien, who stands impatiently in the adorned hallway. “Then divulge,” the Antichrist itches. 

The echoes of both their tones resonate loudly, as deep and heavy as the invisible crowns each of their heads hold high — though, one brow seems to far better suit regality. He does not wonder which of them will topple beneath the weight of theirs first; he already knows. Everything when the time is right, and until then, he walks a delicate, intentional line as he addresses his pseudo-son, simultaneously wanting to stroke the boy’s drive and shatter his independence. He must feel powerful — to a limit.

“The Conclave has requested you assemble the Vices.” Judas, even-toned and composed, presents it as an ask; it is not. It’s a directive. They both know it. “Sources suggest a siege of insurgent Heretic sympathizers are gaining on the Palace walls, possibly with intention to break their own out of the Black Cells.” He can hear the way Damien begins to laugh midway through, but he does not stop speaking. 

“A handful of Heretics?” Damien sputters. “And you believe that calls for the Vices? Abaddon has kept larger threats at bay single handedly.”

Judas scoffs. “So you suggest we do nothing?” he deigns. “Wait until they claw at our gates? Leave Abaddon to face them alone?” In pause, his brows knit together, though he contemplates nothing. “Gather them, boy,” he states loudly, and this time, it is an order explicit. The moment of sharpness passes quickly, and a familiar grin toys against his jaw. Once again, suddenly, they are friends. “What use is the devastation you hold in your fingertips if not to defend what majesty you and I have built here?”

He feels resentment, bitter and cold, steaming in wafts off of the young halfling — but then, an acceptance just as cold. “I suppose it’s been some time since we’ve been out to play,” he concedes.

“I knew you’d make the right decision,” Judas smiles, placing a large, strong hand on Damien’s shoulder. “I’ll need you out the gates as quickly as possible. Do have some fun with it, won’t you?” And just as quickly as his smile had appeared, he rescinds it and turns on his heels back towards the court’s wrought iron doors. 

With a slow turn of his head, he locks eyes with his pupil, and arrogance claims him. “The Conclave wishes you the best of luck,” he bolsters, proud and booming — one last signifier that, in their clash of crowns, it will always be his that blinds brightest.

Extras | OPTIONAL. If you have anything else you’d like to include (further headcanons, an inspo tag, a mock blog, etc), feel free to share it here!

I’ve compiled some inspiration posts on this blog! Additionally, here’s a small selection of headcanons:

HEADCANON: WINGS

Judas’s wings are of feather and bone — raven-black feathers, some that are tipped in brilliant silver. In some places, feathers have been charred or cut during battle, and the bone beneath is visible. He prefers it this way. Bone, sprouting from his shoulders, is human, as he once was before he ascended past those demons who manifested from nothing. 

HEADCANON: SWORDPLAY

Judas’s greatest strengths lie in diplomacy, delegation, and manipulation. While he can wield a sword well in battle, it’s only because an eternity has given him time to practice. Truthfully, his skills as a swordsman are far below most of his fellows. Where he makes up for it is in waiting in the shadows for the right time to strike, rather than aimlessly wailing at a target out in the open.

HEADCANON: RESENTMENT

He made it to Hell before Salome did, and yet her wings sprouted before his? He’s never forgotten it, and never will. His anger towards not having been the first of humankind to join the hellions is projected in its entirety onto Salome, and though he has yet to enact his wrath, he remains plotting.

[ohdeputy]

100 Letters PART V

Arthur Morgan x John Marston

Words: 5,513

Read on Archive

Part IV

-

“John, John!”

John’s heart dropped when he heard his name being called and squeezed his eyes shut as he braced himself. After letting out a deep sigh, he opened them again and turned around to see Uncle approaching him.

“What do you want, Uncle.”

It had been another week or so without John leaving camp and he was slowly going crazy. He didn’t know if it was from feeling better and itching to leave or if his current company had finally made him crack.

“Oh, now don’t be like that! I actually had some information you might want to hear, considering you’ve just been sitting around since we got here!”

John couldn’t bear to listen to the old drunk. “Don’t talk to me about sitting around, old man. I know someone who’s quite good at that.”

“Hey, I do my fair share, like getting this information! So do you want it or not?”

John sighed, flatly responding, “what is it.”

“Well, see, Mary-Beth told me about this train,” Uncle shoved a map he seemed to materialize out of thin air into John’s hands. He carefully unfolded it, not sure where exactly Uncle had been storing it.

“I told Arthur about it but I’m not sure he was listenin’, you might convince him though. You two always did make a great team! It would be a good score, I’m tellin’ ya!”

John narrowed his eyes, “you just want the credit for it.”

“I just want to help out, is all!”

John sighed, looking down at the map. “I don’t know…”

“Don’t be so sour! Just think about it at least, jeez.”

“Fine.” John put the map away in his pocket, “I’ll think about it, but I’m not promising anything.”

Uncle wandered off while John thought for a moment longer. As much as he hated to admit it, it did seem like a good job. And with his lack of doing pretty much anything, he wasn’t in much of a position to be picky

So in the days that followed, John continued going over the map that Uncle gave him and trying to turn it into something feasible. Eventually, he started to believe that the idea had some potential. With something solid in mind, John was left with deciding who would accompany him to do the job.

His initial thought was Arthur, but he quickly pushed the idea out of his mind. He tried to convince himself that he didn’t need him, seeing as it probably wasn’t a good idea to get him involved.

He knew the job needed at least three people, so naturally Charles was his first choice. But as for a third, John had no idea who else he could bring. Javier would have suited the role, but when John asked him about it, the other man informed him that he was already preoccupied with a job of his own. Something about a farm robbery not far from where they stayed.

“Sorry compadre, you know I would run with you anytime.”

John assured Javier that it wasn’t a problem, though he was running out of options for other people he trusted well enough to partake in the heist. His mind wandered back to the one person he knew would be perfect. He cursed to himself, Arthur was the best suited to aid them. John knew it, and he couldn’t fool himself otherwise. Slowly accepting that, he concluded that he might just have to ask him.

John paced around the small area inside his tent, going back and forth in both his movements and his thoughts. If he was being honest with himself, he would prefer Arthur to take the lead for the train robbery, anyhow. He trusted the man could pull it off better than anyone else, including John, and would rather leave it in his hands.

Outside his tent, multiple voices could be heard, with Arthur’s mixed in between them. Thinking he might catch Arthur before he was absent from camp once more, he moved toward the opening of his tent. He didn’t want to give himself more time to think about the situation or back out of asking Arthur, so John quickly exited in search of where their conversation was taking place.

Upon leaving, he heard a commotion going on where the O’Driscoll boy they'd held captive was kept. Peering over toward the source of all the noise, John could make out Dutch, Bill, and Arthur surrounding the tied up man. John hadn’t really paid any attention to him until now, not even knowing his name. He avoided going near the O’Driscoll boy for the most part. Abigail had mentioned him a couple of times, saying she almost felt a little sorry for him. She had even admitted to giving him water when the weather had been particularly hot.

All John knew about him was that he was an O’Driscoll, a bit pathetic, and someone Dutch took pleasure in torturing. And as much as John didn’t want to admit it, the fellow kind of reminded him of himself. He thought of how Abigail seemed to have a soft spot for types like them, goddamn fools.

He watched the group as they harassed the O’Driscoll, John thinking that perhaps this wasn’t the best time to make himself known. Dutch motioned to Bill, who seemed all too pleased to oblige to whatever Dutch had proposed. Beside them, Arthur stood with his hands on his hips, shaking his head. It was clear he did not share the same enthusiasm as the others for whatever it was they were doing.

Only a moment later did Bill return with a pair of gelding tongs and a look in his eyes that showed he was enjoying this all a bit too much. Dutch proceeded to yank down the O’Driscoll’s trousers in humiliation then waved for Bill to come closer.

“You sick bastards!” The O’Driscoll yelled while struggling against his restraints.

Dutch paid his pleading no mind as Bill took his time inching ever so agonizingly slow toward him, snipping the tongs with every step he took. The O’Driscoll flinched each time, and even John could see him begin to tremble.

“Dutch,” Arthur rasped, wearing a frown, “do we really have to?”

Dutch didn’t even look as he responded, “patience, Arthur.” He had a glint in his eyes that made John shudder.

“Fine-FINE!” the O’Driscoll stammered out, his eyes tearing up. “I’ll tell you everything I know!”

Dutch laughed triumphantly, catching John’s eye as he did. Without breaking the stare he put a hand on the tongs Bill held out, lowering them.

“Awh, can’t we do it anyways, boss?”

“No,” Dutch spoke, a menacing smile pulling at his lips. “He has no sins to hide.”

John finally broke their eye contact, turning away from the group. He was aware of how fast his heart was beating in his chest as he tried to walk away from the scene, suddenly finding it hard to put one foot in front of the other. He could feel the sweat on his palms and rubbed them against his pants.

He retracted back to his tent in fear of meeting Dutch’s gaze again. The safety inside the canvas walls was short-lived when he heard a voice behind him.

“Enjoy the view, did you?”

John jumped, looking back to see Dutch standing at the entrance. Even though John was terrified of the man, he felt his cheeks grow hot from anger, angling himself away to avoid his stare.

When he didn’t answer, Dutch continued, “hmmm, I’m sure you loved to see that. Someone like you, that is.”

Still, John stayed silent. Not wanting to give him the satisfaction of an argument but also scared of what might happen if he did respond.

Dutch gave his lack of response little mind, only continuing to prod at John further. “It’s a shame Nico isn’t here to protect you any longer.”

John flinched when he said her name, clenching his jaw.

“No worries though, the O’Driscoll can be your new best friend. His name’s Kieran, by the way. I’m sure you’ll get along jusssst fine.”

Dutch dropped his smile, “anyways, I want you to go with Arthur, Bill, and that O’Driscoll boy to Six Point cabin. There is word Colm could be close.” He paused for a moment, “oh, and I want you to be the one taking Kieran on the back of your horse.”

John whipped his head to Dutch, not able to stop himself. He thought about protesting before he met Dutch’s icy stare. It bore into him, yet he swore he could see an underlying amusement there, too. It was as if he were purposely trying to rouse John into disagreeing with him. So instead John stood up, grabbing his gun belt and coat in compliance.

Reaching the tent's entrance, Dutch’s voice made him falter for a moment longer. “Birds of a feather, John. Who knows? Perhaps the two of you will run away together.” His voice lowered to that of a sneered whisper, “though, this time maybe it would be best if you didn’t return.”

Figuring he’d heard about enough, John pushed through the tent’s opening and hurriedly made his way to where Arthur and Bill waited. He was interrupted when Abigail came out of nowhere and practically jumped in front of him.

“John-where are you going?”

“Out.” He tried to move past her, but she placed a hand on his shoulder.

“I thought maybe you could take Jack fishing, the boy wants to see you, John.”

He shrugged her off, “no-just-leave it be, woman.”

She didn’t try to stop him the second time as he walked away from her. He didn’t look up as he mounted his horse, his movements a little stiff as he did so. He was more than ready to get out of there.

“Let’s get this over with.”

Wasting no time, John helped Kieran onto his horse and spurred Old Boy toward the direction he was told to go. The others followed closely behind as the O’Driscoll led them along the path toward Valentine.

“Take a left up here,” Kieran pointed at an overgrown path exiting into a densely wooded area. John slowed his horse as the terrain became less regular. He could make out Arthur riding up beside him, who looked over at John.

“You alright, Marston?”

“Fine,” he answered while keeping his eyes straight ahead.

The more distance John put between him and camp, the better he started to feel. It was nice to ride out together with the others and do something other than sitting around. He tried his best to push away his short interaction with Dutch. The things he’d said… John only just started to relax once his hands stopped shaking. He wanted to tell himself it was from anger but knew it was more than that.

Soon they made it to a clearing littered with tents and supplies, with a cabin at the far end. There was a smoldering fire with food and drink left out like it was only recently abandoned. Clothes hung on wires left to dry but even with everything going on there wasn’t a single person in sight. John sent Arthur a questioning look, to which the other man only shrugged.

“Whatchu expect, that we’d actually find Colm here?”

John squinted, suspicious as he scanned the clearing, “no, but I thought we’d at least run into some of his men.”

Arthur dismounted, everyone else following suit. “We should look around, maybe we can find some idea as to where he ran off to.” When Kieran didn’t move from his spot, Arthur gave him a stern look, “that includes you, O’Driscoll.”

Kieran nearly jumped out of his skin before scampering after Bill to search the site. John only shook his head and pulled his rifle out from Old Boy’s saddle, slinging it across his shoulder.

“Nice new horse, by the way.”

John turned around to see Arthur still stood there. “Thanks.”

The two of them walked together toward the clearing in awkward silence. John thought back to the train heist and asking Arthur about it. Now was the best time to say something. He fidgeted with the strap of his rifle.

“There’s this train-”

“About the other day-”

They both cut off what they were about to say, waiting for the other to continue until a bullet whizzed by their heads and the conversation became an afterthought, their heads snapping to the source.

Bill ran to where Arthur and John stood, throwing himself behind a tree for cover, “get behind something, it’s a damn ambush!”

John ducked behind a log, clenching his rifle in his hands. He looked up just in time to see Arthur find cover behind another tree and immediately start firing his revolver. O’Driscolls appeared out of the woods, surrounding them. They were outnumbered but John was quite confident in their odds seeing as the rival gang was up against at least two adept gunslingers.

John peered over the edge of the log, locking onto one of the men and quickly releasing his breath as he pulled the trigger. He moved onto his next target before the first even dropped to the floor.

“Cover me, I’m gunna get closer!” Arthur called out before moving from his tree to a couple of crates not far from where John knelt. As he did, John quickly reloaded and stood to shoot an O’Driscoll who had the same idea of advancing.

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw another appear from behind an old tent to aim at Arthur. The man’s intention was short-lived as he dropped to the ground a moment later and John reloaded a couple of bullets.

Steadily, they picked off the opposition until a few stragglers were left, who chose to leave with their lives rather than face the same fate as the others.

“Whoooie! Look at ‘em run off!” Kieran called out as the last few just made it out of sight.

“You’re quick to change loyalties from the men you once fought alongside, O’Driscoll.” Arthur searched the pockets of a fallen enemy, shooting Kieran a look of judgment.

“I keep tellin’ y’all, I ain’t no O’Driscoll.”

Arthur didn’t say anything, but John could see he wasn’t convinced.

“Nice shooting there, Marston.”

John only nodded his head as he scanned the ground. He turned over a container in search of anything worth taking.

“You had mentioned something about a train before, uh, you know.”

John looked up, “oh, yeah. Well, Uncle told me something ‘bout a train that’s gunna be heading through Scarlet Meadows real soon. It’ll be at night, not too heavily guarded from what I hear. It’ll be good, plus-” John cut himself off. Plus it would give me a chance to start doing something, he thought to himself.

“Hmmm,” Arthur scratched his beard, looking doubtful.

John got up from where he knelt, “we’ve done it plenty of times, it’ll be good money.”

Arthur squinted in thought “Yeah but… stopping a train? Pain in the ass.”

John was prepared for Arthur’s hesitation, having spent a while going over the plan in his mind. He continued excitedly, “sure, but what if we could force a train to stop.”

Arthur gave a chuckle, sarcastically responding, “well, of course.”

Arthur knelt beside another body to loot, assuming the conversation to be over. But John persisted, moving closer to keep his attention. “I’m serious, look, we get a wagon, a wagon full of something flammable-say oil. Put it on the tracks,” Arthur stood, nodding his head slightly as he listened to John.

“Only two choices, they know they’ll either have to stop or die.” When John finished Arthur looked at him, unblinking.

“So?” John continued, “you in?”

Arthur gave a breath of laughter to which John furrowed his brow in confusion, “that is… kinda brilliant.”

Whatever John was expecting, it wasn’t that. He quickly avoided Arthur’s gaze, looking to the ground.

“Uh, for you that is.” Arthur cleared his throat, “you know, for someone who’s brain is half-eaten by wolves. But I think that’s the first time you came up with a decent plan!”

John rolled his eyes, “shut up.”

“No, I’m serious! How did you manage to end up MORE intelligent!?”

John waited for Arthur’s chuckling to die down, “so we doin’ it then?”

“Sure, sure. But were gunna need ammunition, guns, and probably some dynamite to crack open that train.” He listed the items off with his fingers. John nodded along, “I can get those from town if you focus on getting us an oil wagon, I can go there now assuming I’m not needed here anymore?”

“Sounds like a good plan, Marston,” Arthur smiled. “You sure you don’t want to head back with us?”

“Nah, I only just got out of camp. I’d like to enjoy the serenity of being away from it a little longer.”

Arthur gave a nod of understanding, “sure, I get it.”

“Alright then, I’ll catch up with you later.” John started walking back to his horse as Arthur tipped his hat in farewell. When John knew he was at a safe enough distance, he let himself smile. As much as he knew he shouldn’t let it mean anything, a little bubble of excitement swelled inside his chest.

He rode Old Boy into town and straight to the gunsmith, picking up the necessary equipment to get the job done. He made sure not to forget the dynamite before leaving, too, as it would be crucial to their plan. After thanking the owner and heading back outside, he noticed that it had started to rain.

By the time John made it to the end of the street the rain turned from a light drizzle to what looked like buckets coming down. He made it to the hotel and ducked inside, shaking himself off a bit. Thunder rumbled in the distance, making John reconsider travelling back to camp.

“Can I help you, sir?”

John turned around to see a young woman stood behind the front desk of the hotel. He gave her a smile and a nod, “as a matter of fact, do you have any rooms available? I’ll take anything you got!”

The woman returned the smile, “why, of course! I’ll show you to your room, it’s just upstairs.”

John entered the room, making sure to thank the lady as he did. He looked around the room, it was quaint and small and not at all what he was used to. He couldn’t remember the last time he slept in a proper bed, waking the next day with an energy he hadn’t felt in a long time.

He spared no time in making the trek out to the train tracks near Dewberry Creek. It was located some ways past camp, but John thought it was worth scouting out the area, so he headed southeast out of Valentine. He passed the opposite side of Citadel Rock into the open plains. The sun was high in the sky without a cloud in sight, the rain from the day prior long gone. He breathed in, thankful for the warmth of the sun with the cool wind in the air. It was perfect.

By the time he arrived and studied the spot, the sun was hanging considerably lower. John aimed to find the best spot to ambush the train, eventually finding a dense cluster of trees just beside the tracks. When John was satisfied that this location was suitable enough, he began riding for camp. He was eager to return, wondering if he might go over more details with Arthur.

Upon his arrival back, John could smell the scent of stew being passed around for dinner. He quickly hitched Old Boy, not realizing until that moment how hungry he was. The usual bustle surrounded the stew pot as people grabbed a bowl and sat together around tables and tents. John strained to see if Arthur was amongst any of them, disappointed when he thought he spotted his blonde hair only to reveal Micah. He couldn’t help his face from twisting in disgust, disappointed to know of his arrival back.

“Looking for someone, brother?”

Charles approached John with two bowls of stew in hand, offering one to John. He took it gratefully.

“Yeah, have you seen Arthur around?”

Charles shook his head, moving to sit near one of the campfires. John followed, sitting across from him. He was thankful it was just the two of them.

“He left early this morning. Did you need help with something?”

John couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed that Arthur was gone once again. He tried not to let it get to him, pushing it deep in his mind.

“Actually, Arthur and I are doing a train heist and I’ve been meaning to ask if you’ll join us, too. We could use someone like you, Charles.”

“Sure, anytime.”

John smiled down at his stew, taking another bite.

“You seem surprised.”

John looked back up at Charles, “I suppose I am. You never hesitate to offer your help.”

“Only with those I find worth offering that help to. For you, it’s an honor. As honourable as you can be amongst thieves, that is.”

John raised his eyebrows. He was not expecting such high praise from someone like Charles, who he thought was better than any man he knew combined.

Charles continued, “it’s hard to find good people, and I mean wholeheartedly good people, John. I see it in Arthur, even though he doesn’t see it in himself… I saw it in Nico.” Charles looked up at John, “she always did try to look out for those she cared about.”

He paused, then gave a slight chuckle, “I see it in you, too. Though I have to admit it took me a little while to fully understand you.”

John let out a snort of laughter at Charles’ words. A moment later, the smile faded from his lips. “Can I ask you something, Charles?”

When Charles nodded, he continued. “Why did you join us? Why did you follow Dutch?”

Charles steadily set his bowl down on the ground, then sat forward, resting his elbows on his knees.

“I ran on my own for a long time. I did fine, too, but it makes life more difficult. The world is a lot crueler when you’re alone in it. I spent most nights worrying that someone might kill me in my sleep. Running with Dutch, well. Dutch is different. He treats me fair, he doesn’t see me for what others hold against me. Most of you don’t, so here I am.”

John nodded, swallowing dryly, “I see.”

He sat with Charles a while longer before departing for the night. He lay staring at his tent ceiling for what felt like hours. He couldn’t stop thinking about what Charles had said about Dutch. It was disconcerting. To be reminded of how deeply rooted people's faith in Dutch was. He wondered how someone like Charles could see such morality in John. And Arthur and Nico. Yet, he also trusted in Dutch. It made John feel sick, knowing the deceit that lay there instead.

He’d spent so much of his childhood seeking Dutch’s approval, to be praised by him. And what for? So he could fall in line with the others to be blindly shepherded along like lambs to the slaughter? Still, a part of him yearned for that validation. It was twisted, and cruel to subject himself to the thought, but it was present nonetheless. No matter how much he might deny it.

The following day there was no sign of Arthur. John didn’t expect to see him return so soon, but he had held onto the slightest hope that he might’ve been proved wrong. When one day turned into two, and two days turned into a week, John became anxious that Arthur wouldn’t come back soon enough.

John mostly preoccupied himself by going over the plan. He talked with Charles, too, which helped ease his mind slightly. After a few more days passed and there was still no word from their third party member, John started to grow a little annoyed considering the train was due in three days' time.

On the morning of the heist, John was pissed. The previous day, he ended up taking matters in his own hands by securing an oil wagon by himself as he felt he couldn’t trust Arthur in appearing out of thin air to say he found one.

John sat at his usual spot under the oak tree. He held a cigarette in one hand and the map Uncle gave him in the other. He looked over the marked X where the train tracks crossed over the road like he had countless times before. He had gone over the plan again and again in his mind, determined to do it right when the time came.

He brought the cigarette up to his lips, thinking of how little his efforts were met by Arthur. He blamed himself for thinking they could do this. It was too good to be true, John knew that now. He just wished he didn’t try to trick himself into believing otherwise so that he would’ve saved himself the trouble of trying. That, and the sinking feeling he had since coming back from Valentine.

He folded the map up and stuffed it in his pocket, not paying attention to it anyways. He was angry with himself that he was so upset over the whole situation. He didn’t know what he expected to get out of it all. To try to be closer to Arthur? Physically, since emotionally was never an option. In all the past eight years that idea had never gone well. So John didn’t understand why he thought that could change.

John could hear indistinct conversation coming from the edge of camp, which he paid little mind in his deep thought. That was until he heard what he thought was Arthur’s voice reply. John’s head snapped up, thinking his ears may have deceived him. To his bewilderment, there Arthur stood in the flesh.

John took a long drag from his cigarette while he watched Arthur hitch his horse. As if he felt his eyes on him, Arthur turned his head toward him. John quickly looked away, scowling as he did. He heard his footsteps approach but still refused to look up when they stopped in front of him.

“Hey-”

“You never got us that oil wagon, did you.” John finally did look up at him, flicking the cigarette away after blowing out his last breath.

It took a second for Arthur to register what he said, “Ah, I’m sorry,” he gave a little chuckle. “I clean forgot.”

“Are you? Sorry?” John shook his head, “nevermind.” He stood, “it’s taken care of, anyways.”

He moved to walk past Arthur, “otherwise we’d miss that train.”

Arthur took the few steps with him, opening his mouth like he was going to say something then closing it. John stopped to turn to him again, “are you still interested in the job? Cause if not I’m sure I can-”

“I am.”

John nodded, “okay then. Well, good.”

When neither of them said anything further, John continued on his way.

“Er, Marston-”

John faced him again but didn’t say anything. Arthur continued, “thanks… for getting it, by the way.”

John stared at him without saying anything, he blinked and without thinking blurted, “maybe we shouldn’t do this job together.”

It was a joke to have thought he could work jobs with Arthur again. He thought perhaps things were good enough between them that they might be civil. But the tension was there already, and it would only continue to build. The two didn’t work well together anymore. John’s heart dropped at its realization and from the look of surprise on Arthur’s face.

“You take it. Get Charles and Sean or someone to go with you. You don’t have to give me a cut, either.”

“What, why? Is this because I didn’t get the damn oil wagon?”

John winced at that, “No. It wasn’t. But it was your job to get it.” He felt his frustration rise, like a fuse that had been waiting to be lit upon Arthur’s arrival.

“You know, I’ve been pretty busy running all over the damn state. Perhaps you should’ve gotten it in the first place, seeing as you’re not preoccupied by much these days.”

John scoffed, “what the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“I shouldn’t be surprised. Since when does John Marston finish anything he’s started. Maybe I will take Sean with me, seeing as he’ll be a good replacement for your incompetence to see things through!”

John raised his hands in frustration, “I’m not talking to you like this, Morgan.”

Arthur laughed dryly, “go on then, run away like you always do when you can’t handle it.”

John gave a look of disbelief, “are you joking? Can’t handle it? You’re the one who didn’t bother getting the damn oil wagon! I actually want this job, believe it or not!”

“Yeah? Well what’s it like being disappointed?”

Their yelling immediately ceased, the air growing quiet like the silence that follows the crack of a whip.

John blinked, “what?”

Arthur hesitated for a second before his features hardened, “maybe you’re right. Maybe we shouldn’t work together on this.”

Not waiting for a response, Arthur turned and walked away, leaving John behind in the quiet aftermath of their argument. Alone and with nothing but a boiling anger that grew inside him, John turned too, stomping off toward the direction of his tent.

Without stopping, he grabbed his coat and left again. He found Old Boy and mounted the horse, steering him out of camp. Spurring to go faster, he flew through the countryside. John didn’t know where he was going but knew he just needed to get away for a while. He didn’t slow his pace until he came up to the river. He didn’t recognize this part of the winding waters, making him realize just how far he’d gone. But he didn’t care.

He slowed Old Boy and launched himself off and paced on the sands of the river a moment. He wanted to scream from frustration, yell at the top of his lungs. Looking down, he picked up a rock and threw it into the water. Then he picked up another and did the same, repeating himself again and again. When he got tired of throwing rocks, he stuffed his hands in his pockets. He paused for a moment, feeling the map. His fingers curled around it, then yanked it out. Without hesitating he ripped it apart and hurled it with all his might.

For all his force, the pieces merely fluttered around him, getting caught in the wind. They lingered briefly before a breeze swept by and took them away. John watched them go, and suddenly he was on the ground with tears streaming down his face. He didn’t know where it came from, but he couldn’t stop now that he started crying. The sand was cold and damp yet he continued to sit there, unable to move.

He wished he didn’t rip up the map, he wished he could put the pieces back together.

No. that wasn’t it. He wished Nico wasn’t dead. He wished what he and Arthur had wasn’t dead. He wished he didn’t fuck up every relationship he ever had. He treated Abigail poorly, and could barely look at Jack. John didn’t know how they all deserved to have someone as flawed as him. He thought he could move on, but it seemed he would be dealing with the repercussions of his actions for the rest of his life.

John held his head in his hands, gazing into the churning rapids of the river. He wondered when things got so out of control. It felt like just yesterday when he and Arthur were still kids doing nothing but spending their days never apart. Now John was so much older and alone, growing into someone he never wanted to be.

Night fell over the sky making the crickets song come to life and the stars flicker up above. John didn’t realize how long he had sat there until the evening had come and went. Wiping his cheeks with the sleeves of his coat, he eventually stood. His bones ached once he got up, stiff from sitting for so long.

Old Boy grazed not far from the river, looking up when John walked over. He gave the horse a few pats, “sorry, boy. Let’s get you home.”

John retraced his way back to camp, this time much slower than before. He tried to collect himself along the way, finding it to be pointless as his heart was still heavy. He waved to Bill as he crossed over the border into camp, quietly hitching his horse and retreating to his tent. He took off his coat and crawled into bed, his last thought wishing the day had never happened.

[voracious-pumpkira-starr]

VORE COMMUNITY PSA

False information was spread about me with very little truth. While some is truth, others are either taken from untrustworthy sources or were said by people whom are enemies i made in the past to make me more hated. I dont know if all of you know the post im refering to, i wont link it here but it has been causing me a lot if stress

Now I’m not going to deny some parts of the post because they are factual. But other parts are false. I havent blackmailed people for roleplay, and I dont charge back payments. The charging back of commissioned artwork is only from the artists point of view. And even then its heavily exxagerated. What happened was I spent too much money on porn commissions using a family members credit card on my own paypal, i paid this family member to do this of course bit they didnt know what i was buying. After i spent over $1000 CAD they realized I was spending it on porn and called paypal to charge it back. Paypal charged it back. I tried and tried to get paypal to send the money back but they locked me out of the account and the family member refused to let me send the money to them. Since then I was only able to pay back one artist of many, its not just artists. Paypal took back all payments and I even lost some of my art programs such as Clip studio EX because of this. Ive also lost many mobile apps and more. This caused me a lot of stress and I wasn’t allowed to use a credit card for a long time. Now, You know who. A certain artist who made these claims. Yes I admit I tried to roleplay with them but I will be honest. This is a honest statement from my own mouth. There is many many people in the community who KNOW I’m sumlur and are of age who roleplay with me and I wont name them to keep them same from harassment. Im not innocent but neither are the people like YOU who spread this information. And I will send you this post privately. Yes it is not my place to be in the vore community but because I have it helped with my depression and I learned many things that made me better as a person. I know my mistakes and I understand even when 2021 comes I will be hated in the community or even not let back in at all. But all I’m going to say. Is that yes I was immature and regret a lot of my decisions. But i stopped ban evading and all that long ago. It is now 3 years since this ekas portal drama has started with me, I, because of outdated or false information spread by you and many others have been Doxxed and had my info leaked on 8chan by a user named cloud runner teeny on 12/24/2018. Its been over a year since i was doxxed and I have been struggiling with depression and at multiple times even was suicidal. I nearly killed myself on lean (purple drank). Im not asking for pity because we both know I did aome messed up shit but making a PSA about me and spreading things from your point of view is only half the story. Many people have harassed my social media because of this or even turned me into a laughing stock. So here, if it makes you happy Cham. I’ll make a statement right here right now publically for all to see. If i lose friends for this then whatever it is what it is. It took me a lot of guts and a long time to say this but the stress has gotten to much for me. for the sake of peace I’ll admit to everything Chammy was correct about me ane everything that was false along with some misconceptions about me: so firstly Chammy is right about my age. My birthday is 01/30/2003. I am nearly 17 years old. Chammy is also correct about me asking him for roleplay stuff. However many adults i know who know my age are fine roleplaying with me and I will make this very clear for all of tumblr and the world. Yes I know the underage law and why you think you would be at risk of becoming a sex offender. But hear me out, I’ve actually talked to online lawyers about this and there was never a statement in US Federal law about roleplaying with minors being wrong. The only thing that is bad is if your doing it with malicious intent or send real nudes. As for the age of consent, that is 16 and as far as I know you can legally have sex with anyone within 5 years apart from you as long as its not recorded at that age. So I would assume roleplay would be legal unless its recorded or screenshotted just the same. So yes although it might be risky there is almost a 100% gaurentee your not at risk unless you go bragging about it or the minors parents

Report you. And I don’t have parents, my birth parents abandoned me for a life of crime and my grandparents had custody over me since i was 2 years old. My grandparents know about my vore fetish and although they think its weird they are fine with it to some extent. I can assure you for a fact they won’t report you unless your asking me for literal nudes, which I’d never even give away. Secondly I wanted to bring up the fact I did NOT try to sneak into Cham’s server I was asking if somebody could vouch to let me in so at 18 my friend Andy (WHO KNOWS MY AGE) could vouch for me since he/you closed all invites because of people insulting male predators.

Nextly I want to say this, Chameleonette is not a bad person. They aren’t spreading lies about me on purpose they are only saying what they were told which was spread around by many people who hate me such as aljenserp, AlluringPredation, Reffles, Cloudrunnerteeny, and artists who think i charged back on purpose. Now I also want to bring up the accusations of blackmailing adults who roleplayed with me. This is false, the only adults i ever blackmailed where ones who knew my age and asked for nudes, or were ACTUAL MINORS pretending to be adults which i know for fact.

Now I will admit I exposed some of these friends as minors out of anger and lost friends for this. I regret this so i wont say which ones, But I blackmailed them about exposing their age for some fights in the past.

But I will also admit again I did some stupid shit in the past and I understand the hate I have but its been causing me lots of stress and Harassment on social media. Look cham, if you actually take the time to read this I’m sorry for everything ive done to you and the vore community but I want to say that the adults arent entirely innocent either. I caused these problems by lying about my age, joining ekas, ban evading, manipulating people, and buying art when I shouldnt have. All of it has come back to bite me in the ass. Combined with the stress from real life I couldn’t take things anymore and essentially ruined my life. As of now I dropped out of highschool because the stress was too much and couldn’t work anymore. Now I’m educationless and most likely won’t get a job. For those who are curious in one year and 29 days is when I will be 18. And if any of my friends whom dont know my age read this I want to say I’m sorry for lying. I strongly have issues and am really clingy to people I like so I end up lying to make friends. And i know many people are going to block me for this so in turn I will end up more stressed but its the most mature thing i could think to do. I would love it if nobody blocked me and we just talked like friends and save the vore stuff for when I’m 18, which I do with many of my friends already. As stated before the whole reason i joined ekas in the first place was to join a community i felt like i fit in with after getting depression from losing a friend i really cared about named anatoily

Many times in the past i used anatoily as an excuse for my actions but thats not what im doing. Anatoily if you see this i want to know im sorry for using your name as an excuse for my wrong actions. I originally joined Ekas for that purpose and used that as an excuse, on there i made many friends some of which i have even today. At one point i planned on leaving ekas but then I found somebody who reminded me of anatoily. I had an obsession with them and it led me to well ruin that friendship. Around this time i was exposed underage by Reffles on a minecraft server who had a incorectly dated birth date from a Enjin server about me claiming i was 14 when i was 15 which now i am 16 turning 17 and that link would display 15 turning 16. To explain this I want to say when I made this enjin account I mistyped the age and never bothered fixing it because I rarely used Enjin. I just used it to apply for minecraft admin positions.

I regret many of the things ive done and cant stress this enough that I’m sorry but in all honesty this is the true story of what happened with me and the vore community

In 2017 I joined ekas because my mind didn’t care about the consequences I was upset about anatoily, which isnt an excuse for my actions. I lied about my age and all was fine i was getting away with it. I met the person who reminded me of anatoily in February of 2018 whom helped me grow as an artist. I started working as a artist practicing for when I’m 18. When reffles found me out i was upset and was banned from ekas and the discord Work to Feed. I was upset for many reasons, one even being that i just got the first person ever to commission me and even today was never able to do the art or send it to them making me feel like a thief

So a lot of ban evading and ruined friendships later some problems happened with me and a friend named Aljenserp who like me was a minor. I was watching one of Silent_E’s streams and got banned because Tyrion13 recognized me. I betrayed Aljenserp like an asshole saying he was underage (i dont think he is underage anymore but he was at the time this happened) because he was a staff nobody believed me and i was banned from the stream and lost all trust aljenserp had in me. He became my enemy. Now after this a lot of people started hating me more and more, there was some drama on 8chan about me which i posted on being some idiot as i was younger and didnt know what i was doing.

This caused many people to not even feel any pity for me thinking i was stupid and deserved what i got. This was shortly before the problem happened with paypal. After that i was hated immensely more and many people startee saying some stupid rumors about me

One really dumb one was from the ekas user ExplosiveWaifu who has a Dragon OC named Lydia. Goes by DragonWaifu on discord. In one instance i was talking to Lydia about how one of my friends was a Maoist communist and his beliefs and how i support him because he is my friend. She believed because he had communist beliefs and i supported him that i was a terrorist and ceased all Communication with me for this. Another false rumor about me was spreaded by a friend of Explosivewaifu who i cant name as they are always changing their name. she is a trans woman, me and her used to talk a lot and whenever she got drunk she would well... be really irl lewd with me so i started calling her a pedophille (which is where the blackmail stuff ties in partially though i didnt blackmail her it was somebody else)

Many times this friend while sober would claim that i act to mature and that I couldnt be a minor, thus a rumor spread around that inwas a adult pretending to be a minor to get kicked out of the community for purposfully causing drama to make people think im a believable minor so i could easily prey on minors like a pedophille... honestly this is a really dumb rumor and dunno why it was believed by anybody at all

Next I want to talk about the ID theft accusations. Mettra Tonic gave me a health band from the hospital which in July of 2018 i tried to use as a ID to get me unbanned and it failed, this led to trust issues with Mettra who also spread false information about me which is mostly well known for the accusations of blackmail against her friends who were minors. There was another ID issue with a man named worthylightning and Kobayashi whom I tried to. Let them both help me get unbanned because friendship. It didnt work and i felt bad.

Lastly the only true case of ID theft is the one with reffles. Reffles gave somebody her ID who gave me the ID and I cropped out the age part of her ID and tried to use it. I since regret this action but i wouldnt concider the age part alone to be ID theft.

There was also accusations that I steal artwork which i dont own which is false. All artwork of Pumpkira is owned by me, either drawn by me, won in a raffle, requested, or given to me as a gift.

Moving on later in the year CloudRunnerTeeny doxxed me and made a group on discord called the Sumlur eradication squad where he blackmailed me and threatened to leak my info (which he did on christmas onto 8chan before it was taken down for breaking ToS) me and my friend tried to mislead him do he wouldnt Dox me and dox a fake person but this failed, made things worse infact. After that me and teeny came to a truce to leave eachother alone if i stay away from him and his friends. A promise I Semi-kept to today.

I already explained the whole issue with the art charged back, false rumors, and blackmail.

But I want to say this. Please stop sending information that is outdated or just speculation about me. Hear both sides of the story.

And yes when I turn 18 in 2021 I know I’ll still be hated and I have come to terms and accept that is my punishment for my mistakes. But please stop sending drama my way as I am very tempted to just delete all my social media at this point. Its gotten really stressful and I just cant...

Also Chammy again you aren’t a bad person i dont blame you for my hate as Its deserved. Although some of your claims were wrong or from your point of view, others were true and It is good you made a statement about me. But please tell people not to harass me and just block me. I’m going to make this post Private for a while before making it public. I want you to read this before it goes public on my Tumblr.

Lastly I heard you were feeling sick and hope you get better.

From artist to artist I have been improving my art and stories which like you one thing i hope for when im 18 is to be a successful artist or writer. Im already planning a large scale SFW webcomic as many people know. Though I feel like it is going to have a negative impact because Pumpkira is the protagonist and i gaurentee at least one person from the vore community would expost past me to everyone who reads future me’s work

Anyways thats all.

Update 2020: now 17

Update: 2021 now 18 as of January 30th 2021

[sandstonesunspear]

Familia

Summary: In which Maggie is a combination of me and my mother and gets to do all the things that we didn’t.

Thanks to @avidreaderffn for checking my Spanish bc I’m rusty, @bathtimefunduck for talking some sense into me, and @syllabicacronyms and @georgiew2304 for doing an initial read.

AO3

The call came on a Monday. Maggie was at work, arms deep in paperwork and open cases when her phone went off.

“Detective Sawyer,” she said, pen still scratching away on her latest evidence report.

“Margarita?”

Maggie blinked. “Tía?” She and her aunt called each other on the regular, but never while Maggie was at work. “What’s wrong?”

“It’s your mother.” There was a heavy sigh on the other end that made her stomach drop. “She’s asking for you.”

“For me? Why?” Maggie hadn’t spoken to her mother in years. Not since...not since that ill-fated Valentine’s day that ended with Oscar Rodas kicking his only daughter out of the house. Her mother had said nothing, done nothing, as her husband shouted at their daughter to pack a single suitcase and get out.

“She’s not doing well.”

Maggie got up. She ignored the curious look her partner shot her way and made her way to the precinct locker room.

“What do you mean she’s not doing well?” she demanded.

“She’s in stage IV kidney failure, Maggie. The doctors are doing transfusions—”

“Why not dialysis?

“Mija.” Her aunt’s voice was gentle, like it had been the night she picked Maggie up off the side of the road all those years ago. “They can’t. In her condition, it’s just not feasible anymore. She needs you here now.”

“I…” A part of her wanted to say no. Why should she go and be there for her mother when her mother hadn’t been there for her?

“Maggie.”

Maggie sighed. “Tía, can I call you back? I just, I need a bit.” She needed a bit and more.

“Okay. Just, let me know soon, all right, mija?”

“Of course.”

Maggie hung up before her aunt could say anything else. She put her head in her hands. The universe had a sick sense of humour, she decided. She had waited for years to get a call regarding her mother and now she had. Only it wasn’t the kind of call she wanted.

She pulled up her texts.

Hypo lifespan S4 kidney fail w/o dialysis/transplant, she texted Alex.

She watched the little grey bubble pop up. Then, V short. Days most likely. Why?

Adrian asked, she lied. School project or something.

Her phone buzzed to reveal a thumbs up emoji pop up on screen. It made her lips twitch into a small smile. Her wife was such a dork sometimes.

She set her phone aside and closed her eyes.

Fact: her mother had done nothing to stop her father from kicking her out of the house all those years ago.

Fact: her mother was now dying and needed her there. Now.

Maggie could say no. She could refuse to go back and instead resolve herself to staying in National City while her mother died alone by claiming to have the moral high ground. No one would blame her. No one but Maggie herself. At the end of the day, she knew that there was no moral high ground for something like this and saying no certainly wouldn’t place her on one. Saying no wouldn’t make a statement, it would just make her the daughter who refused her dying mother’s last request. And that just wasn’t who she was.

Maggie’s phone buzzed. She glanced down to see a text from Lucy.

Your aunt called me.

Maggie wanted to be annoyed by that piece of information. But she knew her aunt was only trying to help.

I can get us all a flight for the first thing in the morning, if that’s ok w/ you.

Trust Lucy to be on top of everything when no one else was.

Please, Maggie typed back.

Days. Her mother had days. She had to get there sooner rather than later. She just had to.

-

By the time Maggie got home, she felt like she had gone ten rounds with Mike Tyson. Everything in her body was starting to ache and her head was pounding. She didn’t know if was from stress, the grief that was slowly starting to seep through, or some combination of both.

She found herself pulled into a hug almost as soon as the door shut behind her. She stiffened for half a second before melting into Lucy’s embrace. She pressed her face to Lucy’s shoulder and took a deep breath, savouring the hints of cinnamon, jasmine and rose that made up Lucy’s perfume. It was a welcome distraction from the throbbing migraine building just behind her eye.

After a few moments of just enjoying Lucy’s presence, Maggie pulled away. She looked around the apartment.

“Where’s Alex?” She asked.

“Grabbing dinner from that place on 32nd.” Lucy looked her over. “Are you okay?”

Yes. No. Maybe. Maggie didn't know.

She shrugged. “I guess. It just...I wasn’t expecting this.” She sighed. “I feel kinda guilty, to be honest.”

Lucy frowned. “Guilty? For what?”

Maggie shrugged again. “For…” She trailed off. “For feeling sad, for grieving. I don’t really have that right, you know?”

“Don’t have a…Mags, no, you absolutely have a right to feel the way that do right now,” Lucy said.

“I haven’t spoken to my mom in almost 20 years, Luce,” Maggie said. “We weren’t, aren’t, close.”

They had stopped being close the moment she walked through the door to find her father ranting about how he wouldn’t have a child living in sin under his roof.

Lucy brushed a thumb against Maggie’s cheek. The touch was gentle, but Maggie was still so overwhelmed by everything that it made her flinch ever so slightly.

“She was still your family, Maggie. Just because you and her haven’t spoken doesn’t mean that she stopped being your mom.”

Maggie bit her lip.

Lucy sighed. “People arguing over who had the ‘right’ to mourn my mom tore my family apart for years,” she said. “You’re allowed to grieve over what was and what could have been.”

“There’s no use in wondering about what might’ve been Lucy,” Maggie tried, only to fall silent at the look Lucy gave her.

“For something like this, there is.”

Before Maggie could say anything to that, the door opened behind them. Both of them turned to see Alex stumbling through the doorway with multiple bags of takeaway in hand. Those bags were carefully placed on the ground as soon as she caught sight of her lovers.

Maggie let Alex pull her into a hug. She pressed her face against Alex’s shoulder and closed her eyes.

“I don’t…” Know what to do. How to react. How I’m supposed to feel.

She felt Alex press her lips against her air just as Lucy came up from behind to join in the hug.

“We’re right here,” she heard Alex murmur into her hair. “We’ve got you.”

Maggie clenched Alex’s top. She couldn’t stop the sob that rose to her throat. She pressed her face even harder against Alex’s shoulder and started to cry.

The bags of takeaway were forgotten as the Alex and Lucy worked to comfort Maggie.

-

Maggie couldn’t stop her leg from bouncing during the drive to the hospital. The three hour flight to Omaha had done little to lessen her nerves.

There was a yelp from up front as Alex cut off another driver and floored it.

And Alex driving was certainly doing little to help that either.

“Yeah, yeah, fuck you too buddy!” Alex groused, flipping the bird at the horn blaring behind them.

“God, this is almost worse than Kandahar,” Maggie heard Lucy mutter up front. She didn’t miss the death grip Lucy had on the overhead handle.

“Your wife is certainly a...spirited driver,” her aunt said quietly.

For the first time in days, Maggie’s lips twitched into something resembling a smile. “There’s a reason Lucy turned so white when Alex offered to drive, tía.”

“I just thought that was a gringa thing.”

Maggie rolled her eyes. “Lucy’s only half gringa, tía.”

“Still a gringa.”

“Tía.”

“I’m joking mija,” her aunt said. Her grip tightened suddenly as Alex sped the car up even further. “Does your wife realise that it’s a two hour drive from the airport to Blue Springs?”

Maggie caught Alex’s glance through the rearview mirror. She smiled. She knew what Alex was trying to do.

“Something tells me that she knows, but she doesn’t really care what the GPS says.”

-

Alex pulled into a parking spot with a neatness that clashed with the recklessness of the overall drive itself.

“We’re here!” She announced.

There was a brief moment of stunned silence that was broken by Lucy throwing the car door open. Maggie winced at the sound of their girlfriend retching her guts out. She shook her head and followed Lucy out of the car, leaving her aunt alone with Alex.

She found Lucy behind the car with a hand braced against the trunk. She rubbed Lucy’s back as she coughed.

“When we get back to National City,” Lucy wheezed. “Remind me to look up whoever did Alex’s driving test and sue them for daring to give her a license.”

Maggie chuckled and kissed the side of her head. “Yes, dear.”

“Hey, my driving’s not that bad,” Alex said, coming up behind the both of them. “I got us here, didn’t I?”

Maggie and Lucy exchanged looks. Alex’s driving had gotten them to the hospital and under two hours to boot, but Maggie wasn’t too keen on repeating the whole experience. From Lucy’s grimace, Maggie was willing to bet that Lucy shared her sentiments.

“I’m driving back,” was all Lucy said in a tone that refused to be argued against.

Alex huffed.

Maggie turned to her attention away from her lovers to eye the hospital. It had always been an imposing building in her youth. Now, knowing what she would likely face inside, it was even more so.

Lucy’s hand slipped into hers. Alex’s joined it in the opposite hand a moment later.

“We’re right here, Mags.”

Maggie let out a shaky breath. “Right.”

She held both Alex and Lucy’s hands in a deathgrip as the three of them plus her aunt made their way inside.

-

The woman in the bed was so different from the woman in her memories. Maggie remembered a woman with perfectly coiffed hair, a regal air, a bit of Mexican snark peppering words every so often.

The woman in the bed had none of that. She was a mess of tubes and wires. The oxygen mask on her face fogged with shallow breaths. It made Maggie want to cry. She settled for swallowing back the lump in her throat instead.

“We’ll leave you alone for a bit,” Alex whispered.

Maggie panicked. “You’re leaving?!”

“Shh…” Alex soothed. “I’m staying, I’ll just be out here in the hall.”

“And Lucy?” Maggie looked to their girlfriend.

“I’m headed to the funeral home,” Lucy said.

“Luce--”

Lucy shook her head. “You need to focus on your mom right now, Maggie,” she said. “If I go and start the arrangements now, it’s one less thing for you to worry about.”

It took Maggie a moment to realise that they were playing to their strengths. Lucy’s legal and administrative knowledge were useless in a medical setting while Alex’s medical background could do nothing for her when attempting to make funeral arrangements.

“Yeah, you’re right.” Trust Lucy to be the logical one when her lovers felt like the world was crashing down around them.

Lucy kissed her cheek. “I’ll be back in a bit.”

She walked off with Maggie’s aunt in tow, leaving Maggie and Alex standing alone in the hallway.

Maggie took a deep breath. “Is she gonna know I’m in the room with her?” she asked quietly.

Alex nodded. “Yeah. I checked her chart, she’s still aware and…mostly there,” she finished awkwardly.

“Mostly.”

“She’ll know it’s you, Mags,” Alex said.

Maggie said nothing. She walked into the room and took a seat next to her mother’s bedside. She carefully took an IV-laden hand in hers.

“Mami?” she whispered.

To her relief, her mother’s eyes fluttered open. They were foggy from a combination of pain and the various drugs being administered.

A hiss of the oxygen mask. “Margarita?”

Her voice was so weak, it broke Maggie’s heart. She never thought her mother could ever sound like that.

“Yeah mami, it’s me,” she said. “Estoy aquí.”

“Lupita?”

Maggie knew what her mother was asking. “Ella está con mi, mi amiga.” A part of Maggie hated herself for hiding. “Ella dijo que necesito un abogado y mi amiga es una abogado.”

That part wasn’t a complete lie. Lucy was a lawyer.

“Claro.” Maggie noticed her mother’s eyes drift to the doorway. She followed her line of sight to see Alex.

“Y ella? Quién es ella?”

Maggie swallowed. She absently rubbed her wedding ring. “Ella es mi compañera,” she eventually said.

“Compañera como una amiga o…como una esposa?”

Esposa. Wife. The word came so easily from her mother’s lips that at first, Maggie thought she had misheard her. The expectant look her mother aimed her way, though, made it clear that she hadn’t.

She licked her lips. “Um, como una esposa,” she admitted. “Ella es mi esposa. Se llama Alex.”

Maggie felt her heart start to pound against her ribs as soon as the words left her lips. What if her mother said something rude about Alex? What if what her mother said was an echo of what Oscar Rodas had screamed at her all those years ago on a Valentine’s Day night? What if what if what if--

A movement of a thumb across the back of her hand snapped Maggie from her internal panic. She glanced at her mother’s face. There was no judgement, only eyes that were clearing with curiosity.

Maggie saw her mouth open with a question, but before it could be asked, the squeak of rubber against linoleum caught the attention of both of them. Maggie looked over to see a man in a white coat walk in. He wasn’t Dr. Karkouli.

“Who are you?” she asked.

He didn’t look up from the chart in his hands. “Jason Hendrix, haematologist on this case,” he said. “And you are?”

“The daughter.” Maggie couldn’t keep the clipped tone out of her voice.

Hendrix nodded. “Right, so are you aware that your mother here has myelodysplastic anemia?”

Yes, she knew. Her aunt had given her the entire run down on the way to the hospital. Her mother on the other hand…

“Myelo…que es esto, Margarita?” her mother asked.

Maggie’s jaw tightened. “Nothing, mami.”

Her tía had specifically asked her sister’s care team to not tell her about her condition. Sometimes, ignorance was bliss and sometimes, it could make the difference that gave a patient days instead of hours.

Hendrix continued like he hadn’t heard Maggie. From the way his face was still buried in the chart, she knew it was likely.

“It’s a type of blood cancer--”

Maggie had heard enough. “All right, you’re done!” she snapped.

Before he could say another word, she shoved him out of the room. Blood pounded in her ears. She didn’t stop moving him until his back slammed into the wall.

Maggie wanted to rail against the haematologist, wanted to scream at him, wanted to strangle him and punt him through a wall. Her tía had made one request and this, this pendejo hadn’t followed it.

Alex stepped forward. “Who the fuck taught you your bedside manner?” she demanded. “I want the name of your supervising physician right now because you are no longer on this case.”

Hendrix sputtered. “That’s not your call to make Miss—”

Maggie took a sick satisfaction at the startled yelp he let out the second Alex’s hand fisted his scrub top and dragged him close.

“It’s Doctor,” Alex all but snarled. Her voice was like ice. “Doctor Danvers, and it absolutely is my call because my wife and her family requested that you not inform the patient of her condition, a simple, reasonable request given her status, and you elected to ignore it.”

“I, I…”

“That’s enough, Hendrix,” a voice interrupted.

Maggie looked past the rapidly paling haematologist to see the Dr. Karkouli coming up. He had a deep frown etched into his face that wasn’t aimed at Alex, but rather the hapless man in her grip. It told her that he had heard everything.

“Doctor Danvers, if you could please release my colleague.”

Alex did just that.

Hendrix turned to Karkouli. “Doctor Karkouli, this…”

“I said that’s enough.” Karkouli’s voice was equally as icy as Alex’s. “You’ve done enough. As of this moment, you’re off this case. We will discuss your bedside manner or rather lack thereof later.”

Maggie almost wanted Hendrix to protest further, to say something and so that he would get ripped to shreds. But the rest of her just wanted him to shut up. Karkouli was right, Hendrix had done enough. If he opened his mouth again, she was liable to punch him before either Karkouli or Alex could cut him down.

She watched his mouth open, only to click shut.

“Yes, Doctor,” he said, shooting Alex a dark look. He flinched at the one she returned him. He promptly turned on his heel and stalked off.

Karkouli sighed. “Doctor Danvers, Maggie, I apologise on behalf of my colleague,” he said. “He will be disciplined.”

“Good,” Maggie grumbled. “Now, my mom. I know she’s not in the best place right now, but what he said, it’s not gonna…”

She trailed off when she noticed Karkouli’s smile turn sad.

“I’m afraid that your mother’s condition was already extremely fragile. With what Hendrix said, there’s a very good chance that her condition will worsen.”

“Can’t you go in there and tell her that he was wrong? That he read the wrong chart or something or—” Maggie couldn’t stop the pleading note her voice took.

“Maggie,” Alex interrupted gently. “It doesn’t work that way, babe.”

Maggie bit her lip. Whoever came up with the phrase, sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me was a fucking liar.

She took a deep breath. “Can I go in and talk to my mom?” she asked. “Maybe she didn’t believe him, maybe…”

Karkouli tipped his head. “Of course. While you’re in there, there are a few things I’d like to discuss with your wife, physician to physician, provided I have your permission.”

“Go ahead. She’ll probably understand it all better than I can,” Maggie said. She gave Alex a weak smile before stepping into her mother’s room, leaving the two to talk.

If she thought her mother had looked weak when she had arrived just hours earlier, it was nothing compared to the woman she saw now. It was obvious that the information Hendrix had revealed had had an effect on her mother.

Maggie sat in the chair next to the bed and took her mother’s hand in hers. “Hey, mami,” she whispered.

“Margarita…” It came out as a wheeze.

“Yeah, I’m right here, mami,” she said.

A heavy breath. “Tengo cosas que necesito decirte porque el haematologist dijo…”

No. She wasn’t going to do this. Not now.

“Mami, está bien,” Maggie tried to reassure her. “Él se equivocó. Puedes ganarle a esto, yo sé que puedes. Todo lo que tienes…”

She felt like a child again, pleading for her parents to fix the world’s latest evil because she thought they could do anything. Maria Rodas had certainly seemed the person who could fix anything, right any wrong, fight the hardest of fights and come up on top.

“Margarita.” Despite the overall weakness in her mother’s tone, there was still enough sharpness to make Maggie’s jaw click shut. “Suficiente. No puedo y no quiero.”

The exhaustion in her voice made Maggie stop cold. Everything finally clicked into place.

Tu mamá dijo que ella nunca iba a volver a su casa, her aunt had told her quietly on the way to the hospital. Maggie hadn’t wanted to believe it. Her mother was such a strong woman. To think that she was resigned to never returning home, to dying elsewhere, it just didn’t compute.

But now it did. Her mother was tired. Her kidneys were failing. Her liver was nothing more than a scarred hunk of flesh. And now she knew she had a cancer they couldn’t treat because her body was just too far gone.

It wasn’t fair. Maria Rodas was a strong woman. She deserved more than this, deserved a better death than this. She should have been at home with years ahead of her. But the universe had already decided she would get none of that. She was in a hospital bed with hours ahead of her and she was going to die here.

“Okay.” Maggie let out a shaky breath. “Okay, mami. No tienes que pelear.” She reached up and brushed her fingers against her mother’s curls. She ignored the way her heart cracked at the sight of her mother’s eyes fluttering shut at the gentle touch.

“Estoy muy cansada, Margarita…”

“Sí mamí, yo sé.”

“Tu esposa.” Maggie felt her heart leap once more at the word. Esposa. “La mujer de antes, la pelirroja, ella te hace feliz?”

“Sí, mami.” Both Lucy and Alex made her feel happier than she ever thought she could be. Not that she would tell her mother that, even with the woman on her deathbed.

A small, weak nod. “Bueno.” Her head lolled back against the pillow. “Te amo, mijita. Siempre.”

Maggie bit back a sob. She hadn’t heard those words from her mother in years. Hearing them now felt like a gut punch, a reminder of everything that still needed to be said but would likely stay unsaid.

“Te amo también.” Maggie didn’t miss the way her mother’s lips twitched upwards into something that resembled a faint, pleased smile just before her eyes slipped shut. There was a soft breath, then an almost inaudible groan. Her hand slackened in Maggie’s grip.

“Mami?” She tightened her grip on her mother’s hand, as if trying to provoke a response.

Nothing.

Maggie let out a shuddering breath. This time, she couldn’t stop the sob from coming through. She stood and pressed her forehead against her mother’s as she started to cry.

Te amo. Te amo. Vuelve por favor. Tengo cosas que necesito decirte. Quiero decirte más sobre mi esposa y nuestra novia. Quiero decirte sobre mi vida y más. Vuelve por favor. Por favor.

The door hissed open behind her. A hand gently placed itself on her shoulder.

“Maggie, sweetheart.” Alex’s voice was soft. “C’mere.”

She let herself be pulled into Alex’s arms. She tucked her face into her wife’s shoulder to try and muffle the sound of her tears. She felt Alex start to rub small circles on her upper back. The gentle motion made her cry even harder.

[vegetalass]

Veneno

its almost 5 am and i’ve been working on this for WEEKS and im sick of it!!!!! i think its the longest fic ive written in my life tbh...

I really wanted to play with the idea of a Sidestep who was manipulating herald, as I remember Malin mentioning multiple routes exploring a few different possibilities of treatments to the ROs. so this is my take on the manipulation theme!

partially inspired by my ex, who has a dumb nickname I never called him, and who once said to me “even if you can’t say it back, i’ll wait.” 

sorry for giving herald a cat. i was actually just describing mine lol. 

warning: contains Fallen Hero: Retribution spoilers, with sweets and drinking vice mentioned. 

HUGE thank you to @abyssopelagick and my friend GRUM!!!!!!! who i can honestly say i wouldn’t have been able to post without. ily both! 

FH:R belongs to @fallenhero-rebirth

Herald/gn!Reader - 2753 words

You knew it. You knew Herald used to be rich.

Maybe it was his perfect hair and blue eyes that gave it away, or the fact that he mentioned having a television as a kid. Maybe it was because he was so sweet and shy when you first met, that when you found the collection of pills beneath his bathroom counter when you went snooping through his stuff, that you realized you’d never even considered the fact that he’s probably never had to starve.

In retrospect, maybe it should’ve been a little more obvious after the first night you spent with him, and you should’ve taken better precautions to handle his delicate, loving nature, but so far you haven’t complained and you’re not about to start. Not only has everything worked out, but currently, you’re laying in the soft, old sheets of Herald’s bed, in his nice and clean apartment you can only describe as luxury.

Better than what you have. Better than what you had.

It makes you feel like a kid, the type with no concept for anything except longing. The kind of kid that reads books about bakers who sneak bread to dying girls, and blond princes who insist on liking someone their father hates.

And boy, does Herald like you.

He’s such a prim boy, if not just a sweet one. Kind, generous, loving, you name it. Anybody would be lucky to have him, and for now, that means you. The money is just a bonus, one that you could easily get used to.

Whether this has always the case, though, is another question. One that doesn’t matter much, because you find it’s just been nice to have been surprised as a telepath. Not to mention, you could always use the resources.

In some ways, it makes you want to laugh; to think that Herald knows nothing of your endeavors to kill him, and that all his good fortune can’t do a thing to stop you.

But in others, you feel like crying because he’s a boy who loves you and you have nothing left to offer in return.

You’ve decided not to mull on it. Because when he invites you to spend the night, and kisses you endlessly in that red-hot way, staying in his bed after is so comfortable and warm that it almost feels like the reason you don’t intend to get caught as a villain for a while.

So, you’ve been starting to come over to his place a lot recently.

It wasn’t intentional, your relationship with him. You always tried to tell him that it was Sidestep he was dreaming of, not this new you. But from the moment you let him kiss you on that day in HQ, and then later on that other night after your first date... it became harder and harder to stop yourself from growing quite… fond of him.

Even if it wasn’t planned.

Despite the mess that you’ve gotten tangled up in, in every possible way, it has been a really fun way to pass the time. Watching the way Herald dances around you as if you’re a breakable doll who’s done no wrong, even if he loves and trusts and admires you.

And the fact that you sometimes have emotional outbursts where you cry about disappointing him only adds to the effect of it all. It’s a risky but satisfying game, and even if part of it is genuine, you’re still a villain and have to remember the limits, though you don’t want to be evil all of the time. You might run out of luck.

Herald doesn’t know that, though. There’s actually a lot that he doesn’t.

Part of the fun is trying to guess how long you think all of this good might last. Because good things never last, do they?

But that’s no matter right now, and you shake your head from the thought, because the only person who has even dared to figure out your true nature is Herald’s cat, who hasn’t taken kindly to your presence since the start.

What a smart animal.

She’s a fat, old thing. A tabby, with piercing, green eyes. She was hiding on the first night you came over, probably busy licking herself and thinking that you were another romantic partner here to screw her Daniel over. She was right, but you just kept coming back.

Currently, she’s washing herself from her place on Herald’s dirty hoodie on the dresser across from you, looking up occasionally to hiss in what feels like a mocking, angry tone.

Re-Gene! Villain! I know what you’ve done, and you leave my Daniel out of it!

Tough shit, cat, though it’s still a shame she won’t let you pet her.

Not like you’re planning on moving out of bed, anyway.

It’s only in between your stints of dozing to the sound the sickly sounding auburn news anchor on the TV and mulling about whether sweets or a drink would taste better first, that you notice the approaching presence of Herald’s feather white aura growing closer, and realize that he must be in the building.

Even the now-napping cat seems to stir in acknowledgement before the both of you notice the sound of keys struggling in a locked door, as if you couldn’t try to pinpoint Herald’s exact location by entering his mind from your comfortable position with a little effort if you really wanted to try.

Immediately, the cat jumps from her comfortable perch to the floor, and rushes to the front door in an attempt to reach Herald halfway, get a scratch, and then rat you out as if he’d even listen if she could talk.

Either way, he’s home.

You can hear meows, and it’s easy to imagine how she tangles around his ankles as he squats to give her ears a good scritch. The pleasant imagery is interrupted too soon, though, as suddenly she yowls and you can hear the pit-pat of her feet as she rushes your way in her attempt to tattle on you.

“Oh, you,” you can hear him mutter at her as his footsteps echo in your direction before he hobbles into the room with a nasty limp. He looks about as close to someone who just got hit by a car and lived as someone possibly could, as his mess of gold hair is wind-blown and tangled, face bruised and dirty, and from the way his head is tilted down, must’ve been slouching for a while.

He looks... defeated, and you smile at the sight, hoping that you somehow look kind.

The cat continues to meow until Herald looks up, eyes widening in surprise when they finally meet your gaze, and despite his bad posture, or lack thereof from his aches, brightens immediately at your smile.

“Hi,” he breathes, finally standing up to throw his keys onto the little table resting by the door to his room.

“I wasn’t sure if I could let myself in-” You nod in his direction, before he interrupts you.

“Of course,” he blurts, almost too quickly, and then quickly looks away from your face when he finishes. “Always.”

You smile, feigning relief, even if you don’t really care.

Herald continues on, shuffling from where he’s standing to a dresser not far away, and you sit up in his bed to watch as he strips from his Ranger suit to reveal another handful of purple-blue wounds and scratches layered above his already scarred chest. He must be hurting.  

“Daniel...” you call to him in an attempt to seem worried, and he hums in acknowledgement, “Are you okay?”

He grunts, and in the silence that follows, the TV seems to grow louder in his place. You hadn’t realized that it switched from the weather special to a Los Diablos Breaking News! segment.

“Ranger spotted in successful attempt stopping local mob,” the smiling woman says, eyes blurred toward the camera as a clip of Herald handcuffing a man in a black jumpsuit takes over the screen.

You smile again because he’s a really good guy. A great one. And his fighting has been getting better.

Part of you wonders if it’s due to the fact that you’ve been training him, and the other part wonders if you should be worried. He’s always been someone who appears a lot weaker than he actually is. And you want to stoke the flame.

“You don’t have pull the tough guy act with me, Daniel,” you say to him, this time more forcefully.

You know he always notices when you use his real name, which is one of the reasons why you started using it. This time, you watch as he lowers the green shirt he’s been holding to his chest to look at you with those endless blue eyes and sigh wistfully.

“I get it, you know I do,” you try again, this time with the intent of at least getting him to open up.

You’re nervous, at first, scared of what he could say to you. That he knows you’re playing games, or that he doesn’t want you around anymore. But nothing has ever warranted this response in the past, so you wonder what’s happened to him to make him look at you like you just hit him over the head.

Ha.

You have hurt him. You even ruined one of his legs, but that was in the past, and it’s not like he knows that was you. If he did, you’d hope that he’d just be grateful enough to appreciate the fact that you didn’t kill him that night, too. He shouldn’t have any reason to look worried when you’ve just been here, lying in bed, silently waiting for him to join you, so you suppose you shouldn’t be worried either.

The TV speaks again.

“Impressive feat for the youngest member of the Rangers, who just under a year ago was taken down by the notorious Puppetmaster at their debut sighting.”

Herald is still paused, except this time, you notice his gaze has moved from you to the screen in front of him.

Though the news channel was initially spouting a success story, it’s no surprise that they’re now comparing Herald’s skills to when the both of you fought. It’s also not a surprise when the golden boy of the Rangers suddenly looks even smaller than before when he whips back around as to stop glaring at the news anchor as if she could even see him. You wonder what she would do if she could.  

You don’t speak.

“You know…” Herald starts, ignoring your previous words all together, “I’m worried about you.”

This doesn’t shock you, though not because you’re a telepath. He’s a naive boy, so of course he is worried, and because part of you cares about him in some twisted way, the good in you wishes that he wasn’t.

Worried or naive?

Both?

Deep down, you know he shouldn’t like you and you crave to tell him as such. To berate him, to beat it into him, to scream that he’s just a stupid, little boy in love with an animal who has a past he’d never understand. But it’s easy to stop yourself because you always do.

You hesitate to respond, but mutter back anyway. “Why?”  

You know he means it well, he means everything well, but the words come out harsher than you intended them to, and you quickly have to pat the spot next to you in bed to ensure that Herald thinks you’re not angry at him for simply… being him.

The little, sweet and young Sidestep that is still left in your heart is screaming to be kinder; telling you that you should just be happy that there is someone still cares for you and is able to show it. But there’s an ache in your heart, and suddenly the thought of both your past and your future make you feel like you have to get piss-shit drunk, puke all over yourself, and then immediately get heartburn.

So you decide to ignore the thought all together, and focus on the fact that Herald is now staring intently at you again. Only half-dressed (which is distracting), still, but staring nonetheless.

He tilts his face towards the ground to slouch once more, before whispering, “I just don’t want… them to come after you, too.”

“Oh, hush,” you say instantly, patting the bed again, before reaching out your arms for him to join you as he makes his way over. You know who he means, and the person already has.

You.

You are coming for yourself.

“Puppetmaster is growing very strong, when they learn you’re still around… they might-” He cannot finish the thought before he reaches the bed and ducks himself into your waiting arms.

You roll your eyes as you rest your cheek on his soft head. He really is a silly boy.

“I’ll be fine,” you say, into his hair, “I still have you, don’t I?”

He stays silent, so you continue the charade.

“You’re the one on the frontlines, so if anything, I’m the one who should be worried,” are your final words, before Herald cups your cheeks in his large palms in an attempt to kiss you. Before he makes it, however, you have to swat his face away because you can’t stop the laugh that bubbles deep from inside your chest at the realization of the situation.

Herald looks stunned, but smiles meekly in return when he decides you aren’t angry, and then laughs with you, even if he doesn’t get the joke.

“You’re silly, Daniel,” you say, settling with simplicity, because what do you say to the love who you’re lying to? What can you say, even if you kind of love them back?

But Herald, or maybe Daniel now (as you don’t much care which anymore), just blinks slow and smiles, content being held tightly in your arms.

You want to consider it strange, all this dedication to a person he doesn’t really know, this old Sidestep person, whoever they are, except that in a way, you realize, he does know you.

He knows the you that you have given him, this laughing kid, and in a sense, you truly believe that that’s not really you at all; because you just play this game too well, and he’s been wrapped around your finger from the start. You allowed for this, and you don’t want to say you regret it.

He’s a sweet boy. Always has been. And he never fails to surprise you.

“I love you,” he declares suddenly, voice quiet, sweet, and calming.

And you’re shocked. Not because you didn’t know that, but because you weren’t expecting to really care. And underneath his covers, everything seems three times as sweet. You weren’t expecting to be flattered, and there’s a part of you doesn't even mind. Another thing you could easily get used to. So responding is easy.

“Thank you, Daniel. I mean it.”

And he nods, still cuddled against your heart, your tattoos, looking at you like someone who could truly be loved. He is smiling all the while, too.

“Even if you can’t say it back, I’ll wait,” he says, lips barely curled, blue eyes sparkling.

It’s a nice gesture: this sudden, heartfelt proclamation, but you can’t say it’s one you deserve, as you have been so cruel to both him and yourself. Even though the Sidestep in you would rather jump off a roof, crash, and die before breaking his heart, you have long since realized that there is still a villain inside you that is hungry to laugh and cheer when Herald finds out who really tore him apart on that night at the museum.

You’d feel worse, but that day really was amazing. Finally making yourself proud, even at his expense.

However, the thought quickly escapes you, as this time, when he leans over to kiss you, you let him. His lips are warm on yours, and as you find your fingers tangled in his hair, for a second, it almost feels as though this relationship wasn’t built on a lie.  

“I know,” you respond, smiling sweetly at him for once, genuinely, because even if could change your behavior, you cannot help your pride, and you cannot help your heart.

And when you’re going to break his anyway, even though you know you should stop this mess, because a small part of you loves him, you might as well make sure it hurts.

[republictrooper]

Star Trek Discovery Season 2 Finale Thoughts.

Ok, so like. I finally got to watch the last episode since I was on Vaycay last Thursday.

I like the ending. It was 90% explosions and 10% plot, but I liked it, a lot, some reservations aside.

I mean, I always felt like we needed a new Trek series set in the future instead of all these prequels (one reason I’m not on the “Pike Miniseries” train), but sending the prequel series into the future to BE that series was... actually a pretty smooth move.

On one hand, it’s a little ingenious how many holes it plugs up from the timeline perspective - Spock never talks about his sister because it’s a matter of temporal security, the Spore Drive never sees wide use because both ships that used it met a grisly,grisly end, Cornwall never showed up in TOS because she was KIA in a battle that was at least partially classified, etc.

On the other hand, I found that most of the people concerned about that stuff were of the whiny fanboy brigade angry that the SJWs were taking over their beloved trek, and honestly, screw those guys. Retcons are a standard of most longrunning series, so just retcon that Michael took her wife Tilly to the Enterprise for regular visits with Spock and constantly teased him about how he was obviously smitten with Jim, and that Hugh and Bones constantly traded tips about how to be gay doctors in space and the Red Lizard alien bridge crew member actually always existed on the bridge even during the TOS era and was Uhura’s beloved wife and helped Spock spirit Pike away to Talos after his injury and etc, etc, etc... Cuz retcons can be ok in a lot of cases and the fanboys could learn some humility.

So it’s comme-ci, comme-ca, I guess. Overall, I do think releasing the series from the shackles of being a lore-friendly prequel was a GOOD thing for sure.

Other thoughts:

We finally got the promised Paul/Hugh reconciliation and it was everything I hoped for and more.

Jet Reno has seen the future, and says she has “at least” 5 lives left? 

Did she see herself almost die 5 more times? 

Did she see herself DIE?

Or was she just using a colloquialism and I’m reading too much into it?

Nhan definitely likes ladies, I’m pretty much convinced of it given how she and Phillipa were basically flirting while they pursued Leland. Hopefully she gets with a nice girl who’s not a backstabbing evil bisexual empress from an alternate dimension, though, tbqh. I could see her and Jett or even her and Michael making a great team, tbqh. I’m pretty sure she survived the fight with Leland, at least.

Speaking of the fight with Leland, the fact that he WAS Control in the end (enough such that his fleet couldn’t keep fighting once he was magnetized) makes me a little nervous that he went to the future with everyone else. I don’t trust those magnets to completely stop him. Or even if they did, what if he reconstitutes in the future and keeps the apocalypse going? Frick, I hope they manage to completely erase and dispose of EVERY SINGLE NANITE. Or do future nanites get their data erased by magnets like old school floppies?

On the other hand, maybe Zora evolves in part because she IS the remnants of control. Which uh. might explain why she was abandoned. Control starts reconstituting again, gets full sapience via the sphere data on Discovery’s computers, so they have to leave her in a space storm in the past in hopes it prevents her from going full Borg again?

Man, I really hope Control isn’t somehow the protoBorg. THE BORG ARE ALWAYS AT THEIR BEST WHEN THEY’RE MYSTERIOUS DAMMIT.

I like to think that shot of Detmer getting back to her chair after Leland left the bridge was because she was making sure her girlfriend was alright. I am glad Owosekun looks alright, when she got hit I was bracing for the worst.

Still not sure I get the whole Ash Tyler situation. This is one of the biggest weaknesses of prequels, at least for me, and one of the few loose ends they didn’t actually tie up with the time jump, oddly enough. You can talk about Ash reforming Section 31 into something better and more transparent, but we already KNOW he fails. At some point in the future, Section 31 will be the horrific secret police of the DS9 era, even grimmer, more nihilistic, and less transparent than pre-Control Leland. I was never an Ashburn fan, and I’m still a little sore at him for killing Hugh, so I’m not especially mourning the fact he stayed in the past, but frick, at least let him go back to Earth and sail boats for the rest of his days. He deserves that more than vainly struggling to reform an organization we already know will fail to live up to the goals he has. 

Anyway, Section 31 was a mistake and Ash Tyler was too good of a character to waste on that. Given they sent Phillipa into the future, I was hopeful they had cancelled the S31 series in favor of keeping her on the main series cast and the concept of S31 as anything other than the clear villains could die a quiet, peaceful death, but I GUESS NOT.

Also, still a little weird that the Klingons are gonna be cold war enemies for the next few decades/centuries. I guess at some point L’Rell is no longer able to hold the Chancellorship solely on strength of threatening the other clans with blowing up Quo’noS and/or doing the whole “Mother knows best” thing? Or then again, they never quite established how or why she gave up the whole Klingon supremacy movement, so maybe she just goes ahead and gets back on that now that most of the Starfleet-aligned people keeping her in check on that are either dead or 900+ years in the future.

Anyway, the biggest question is, what happens in the future?

Do we have a weird Voyager-like situation in which they are so far in the beta quadrant and in time they have to work with limited primitive resources and/or try to make it to federation space despite a travel time of multiple decades, whether because Paul can’t jump anymore due to his injuries, or Phillipa fried the spore drive when she killed Leland?

Or are we gonna have a full on Federation that’s spread between Quadrants, and if so, how does Discovery slot into that? Do they just get reintroduced and get the Discovery retrofitted to full futurosity? Does Tilly get to fulfill her dreams of captaincy in the future Federation, or does she just have to hope Saru or Michael passes the captaincy on to her when they die or retire? Or does she give it up because everything’s gone sideways and instead stays on the Discovery (possibly as chief science officer, while her wife moves up to 1st Officer)?

I mean, I have always loved Trek for its optimistic view of the future, so I hope the Federation is around and basically a forward-looking, peaceful organization, but given the brief glimpse we got from Calypso was of a warn-torn future, I’m a little iffy. S2 was great in part because it dared pull away from the overly darkness-filled S1, I hope we don’t plunged back into a grimdark future. I guess there could also be a plot twist with Zora and Craft. Maybe the Alcor IV folk are human separatists and the V’draysh are the peace-loving forwarding thinking Federation.

The spirk nod was amazing and gdi, I would pay like a million bucks for a retcon somewhere down the line that establishes Kirk and Spock got married at some point and settled down somewhere, where Kirk died peacefully of old age (and not on some dusty distant planet after being swallowed by the metaphysical concept of heaven then spit back out to get unceremoniously bodied by Malcolm McDowell) sorry Generations) before Spock went back to being an ambassador and doing all the stuff in the TNG-era shows/movies/novels/etc.

I don’t even necessarily ship Spirk that hard, Spock is just undeniably queer as hell and we deserve that reading of him finally being canonized. 

Anyway, I liked Season 2 overall. I look forward to season 3!

[x-lipstickstain-x]

hey so, i really enjoyed the imagine you wrote and i would like to request one as well, if you want to write it; ive been listening to the song lost in japan by shawn mendes and thought about andi (bc what else do i think about lately, nothing) maybe you can come up with something for that. i know this is really vague, sorry. (also i kinda hate the y/n thing, can you just pick a name, its less awkward to read) okay, thank you so much if you wanna give it a try 💜

It`s only been like 10 years since I got this request lmao. This has actually been done for quite a few days now, I`m just getting really bad at posting. So yeah this is kinda based on the song Lost in Japan by Shawn Mendes.  Anyway, enjoy!

Andreas Wellinger Imagine ~ Lost in Japan

I couldn’t wait to see her in Sapporo. My best friend hadbeen working in Japan on her placement year for over six months now and Ihadn’t had an opportunity to see her since then. Ella and I have been friendssince we were kids. We grew up as neighbours and throughout all these years wemanaged to grow such a strong, unbreakable bond. So many times our friendshiphad been put to a test, but no problem matters  when you realise how much you care forsomeone.  

Ella was coming to the competitions in Sapporo, we had itplanned for a few months now, so both of us were extremely excited. Thecompetitions in Russia had just finished for us and until the whole team wouldhead to Japan, it was still quite a few days.

One night, I decided to finally free up the storage on myphone as the constant notifications about it being full, were driving meabsolutely insane. I went straight to my gallery and I deleted a fewscreenshots which I was sure would not longer be needed, but somehow I gotblown into a folder where I kept pictures of all Ella’s and my adventures fromquite a few years back. The smile on my face was present the whole time to thepoint where my cheeks began to hurt and my eyes started tearing up.

My soulmate was thousands of miles away and I couldn’texplain in words how much I missed the sound of her voice live, or how much Iached for her cuddles whenever I felt down. She always knew what I needed andshe tried to give her all to me even from the other side of the world, but asselfish as it sounds, it just wasn’t enough for me. So that’s when I got acrazy idea. I wanted to see her and I wasn’t willing to wait for it any longer.

I clapped my hands, smiling at my laptop screen which confirmedmy flight for tomorrow morning. I would be landing in Tokyo in the evening and Iplanned on making my way straight to the apartment she was staying in. I wasthankful that I sent her some things through the post before, so I knew herexact address. Now, I was only hoping she would be happy to see me earlier thanplanned.

I headed to my coach’s room to inform him about my earlydeparture, when I explained why, Schuster was surprisingly understanding and hetrusted me enough to continue training on my own and then join in with the teamonce they arrive.

After saying a quick goodbye to my teammates, I returned tomy room. There was nothing left for me to do besides packing and booking myselfa hotel in Tokyo, just in case Ella didn’t want me staying with her, which Ihighly doubted, but I’d rather be safe.

That night I fell asleep with a huge smile on my face.Although, it was very difficult for me to fall asleep because of how excited Iwas. I felt like a little kid. I just couldn’t get her off of my mind, nomatter how hard I tried.

The next morning I checked my phone after waking up, justlike I usually do. Seeing the daily ‘good morning Milka’ text on my phonescreen, I smiled. It never failed to put a smile on my face. I typed out aresponse, before setting my phone down and hopping out of bed. I wasn’t amorning person, but today wasn’t just a normal day, so it wasn’t as much of aneffort.

Before I knew it, I was on the plane to Tokyo. Therealisation seemed to hit me all of a sudden and I exhaled a happy sigh. Just afew more hours and I would finally get to see her beautiful smile and hold oneof the most important girls in my life. My head wandered over to thinking abouthow the dark haired girl would react to seeing me. A huge part of me was sureshe would be just as happy as I am, but a small part of me didn’t want to bedisappointed if she wasn’t.

I tilted my head from side to side, trying to crack my achingneck. Let’s just say I didn’t fall asleep in the best position, but that nolonger mattered when my taxi pulled up outside of the building Ella lived in.

I thanked the taxi driver after paying him and I got out ofthe car. I looked up at the tall building, while dragging my suitcase behindme. A million sentences were running through my head that I wanted to say toher as soon as I see her. I glanced around as I stepped into the reception,this place looked much fancier than she explained.

I smiled at the woman behind the reception counter and I justcontinued walking to the lift. I fixed my hair in the mirror, noticing howhappy I already looked just from thinking about Ella. The door opened and Ileft the lift, searching for the right door number.

I stopped walking right in front of Ella’s door. I stared atit for a few seconds before I dared myself to knock. Nothing. My heart sank alittle, why didn’t I think about this. She didn’t have to be at home, I couldbe here waiting for hours. I am such an idiot. I quietly groaned to myselfbefore knocking again.

“Oh crap… One second!” I heard the beautiful voice call outfrom inside the apartment and my heart started beating much faster. Open thegoddamn door Elle, I thought to myself, growing really impatient.

I heard the key turn from the inside and the door was quicklypulled open by my best friend with a towel on her head. She only stuck out herhead, but her jaw fell and her eyes almost popped out when she saw me. All thewords I wanted to say suddenly left my head and I was no longer capable ofspeaking.

The girl rushed over to me, squeals leaving her mouth. Herarms wrapped around my neck so tightly, I was sure she almost pulled a musclein my back. I wasn’t complaining. My arms swiftly wrapped around her waist andI picked her up, holding her as close as possible.

“You can’t just turn up to my door like this Andi!” Ellachocked out, which immediately made me pull back to look at her face. Worryrushed over me as I noticed the tears running down her face. “You don’t knowhow much I missed you. I can’t believe you’re here..” She whispered, snifflingquietly with a huge smile on her face. She pulled me back into a hug and Iclosed my eyes.

I missed this content feeling. “I missed you so much angel,”I whispered, pressing a kiss to the side of her head as I carried her throughthe door. I let her down gently and I went back for my suitcase, closing thedoor behind me. Ella was still staring at me in awe, as if she was worried itwas just her imagination and I would disappear in a second.

“What are you doing here?” She asked, strolling up to me andhugging me once again. It only just came to my attention that she was onlywearing a bathrobe.  

“Interrupting your shower, apparently.” I chuckled, glancingdown at her, she laughed and playfully pinched my side. Her laugh was music tomy ears. “I couldn’t wait any longer. I had to come here to see you,” Iadmitted after a moment.

“I’m sorry, give me five minutes and we’ll talk,” Ellasmiled, still wiping at her eyes. The girl disappeared into her room and Idecided to take a look around her apartment. I instantly spotted a frame withmultiple pictures inside it, hung up on the wall above the fireplace. A cheesysmile crawled onto my face as I saw most of the pictures were ours, right fromwhen we were little, to just last year. I saw this girl growing into such abeautiful and smart woman.

I flinched at the feeling of something touching my back andshoulder, but I quickly realised it was just Ella, trying to cuddle me frombehind. A small laugh escaped my lips and I let her cuddle into my body.

“I hope I didn’t ruin any plans you had?” I sighed quietly,biting down onto my lip.

The girl looked up at me with an amused expression on herface. “You know fully well that I would cancel any plans for you… That’s if Ihad any in the first place.” She surprised me with her words, positively ofcourse.

Ella pulled away from me and she started messing with herhair, I watched her with a smile, but a part of me felt like her sudden changein behaviour had a reason behind it. I was correct.

“Andi.. Can we go for a walk?” She asked in a soft tone, hereyes pleading me to agree.

I instantly nodded my head. I’d love to see more of Tokyo andI hoped I’d get to find out what was bugging my best friend. “Of course, butare you feeling okay?” I questioned worriedly.

I received a single nod and she smiled. “I think so. We willsee.” She laughed while grabbing her purse. She took my hand and I followed herto the door without any further questions.

The majority of the walk consisted of us talking abouteverything that had happened in the past few months that she had been away for,although, we already knew everything since we talked almost everyday over thephone.

It was already dark, but in my opinion that only made thecity look even more beautiful. We eventually came to a stop at bench when thedark haired girl mentioned that she wanted to sit down for a moment. We sat incomplete silence, which was never an issue as we where both comfortable withit, but Ella kept opening her mouth and closing it like she wanted to saysomething. She nervously rubbed the palms of her hands together and I shook myhead.

“Just say what’s on your mind El.. I may not have seen youfor a while, but I can still tell when you need to get something off of yourchest,” I sighed, looking into her eyes. I could see how difficult it was forher, she looked up at the sky before squeezing her eyes shut.

“So, I was going to tell you this in Sapporo, but you’re herenow and I can’t pretend that things are the same…” She mumbled and I began to grownervous myself. “I’m sorry Andreas, but I’m in love with you,” her voice wasshaky yet somewhat stern.

My mouth fell open and stared at her, completely stunned byher words. “You what?” I eventually muttered.

She was clearly frustrated as she ran her hand roughlythrough her hair before raising to her feet at a rather quick pace, whichalmost made me jump. “Look, I was thinking a lot and I realised that how much Imissed you wasn’t normal. I miss you more than anyone, I think about you morethan anyone, I can’t live without you-,” her words were sweet, but her tonemade it seem like she was yelling the worst abuse at me so I did the firstthing that came to my mind and I would be lying if I said I have never thoughtabout doing this before. I raised to my feet, gently cupped her face into mylarge hands and I kissed her as hard as I could.

[syxsol-blog]

hey guys. not so happy annoucement this time, but bear with me

I have health issues that i need to focus on for now, so ive decided to leave the directory (a wandering ghost of a character around the ship doesn’t really help development of the directory you know??). i know it seems really sudden, but i wouldn’t leave like this if it wasnt really important for me to. I love everyone here, i love the story line, and i love watching everyone create these super detailed characters to drive along the plot.

however, im a pretty sappy person, so ive decided to write some personal goodbyes. some of you i didnt get to speak with on as regular of a basis, but i still read your stuff on dash and appreciated you creating a story and experiecing that passion second hand. without further hesitation...

@sysidereus​ you’re married to multiple people but i GUESS that’s fine. as long as im the number one wife, it’s okay. ;) I love talking to you, even if it’s unrelated to the directory or just random shit about tv shows like jane the virgin (i still wanna make that meme board including the entire crew of serenity). we vibe well, and you’re an incredible writer. sid has always been one of my favorite muses here, and the one thing i regret-- TWO things i regret are not being able to talk you as much, and not being able to see sol and sid become best friends but sorta gay. like naruto and sasuke. honestly i adore you, and i hope i see you around again.

@syxephraim​ babe babe babe Bae. I know you’ve been worrying about my disappearance acts for a while, but ill say it a hundred times over. you’re one of the best rp partners ive ever had. no contest, really. you’re incredibly sweet and wonderful, too. the plot between eph and sol is one of my favorite plots ive ever had, and I’ve had a LOT of plots, trust me. there’s nothing quite like finding a writer like you who i can trade headcanons back and forth so seamlessly until it becomes this story that’s bigger than i ever imagined. there is not one moment i regret logging in to send you a message, even just a quick one before i fell off the earth. i wish i had more time to develop the relationship between sol and ephraim. spoiler for you: Sol is in love with ephraim, and he has been since he left persephone. He loves that boy down to his core, and there’s no changng that. I hope to return one day so I can write with you again. You’re loved, angel. Don’t doubt that.  

@kamorasy​ what’s funny is our characters always end up in brother/sister roles together. you have me on twitter, too, so we won’t lose contact, but you still get a sweet message from me because *clenches fists meme* I just love you that much. we knew each other from vanta black, too. and girl... your characters are like discovering treasure. so complex, well thought out, and experately played. we’re always able to headcanon w each other (altho for some reason we can never quite actually rp). but i never have a problem writing with you. it runs like clockwork. take care of yourself, okay? & if you ever need someone to drive away a strange man that hits on you, call me up

@syjaewon​ Queen Bee. you’ve been really understanding with everything and i can’t even say how much i appreciate that. like... wow. two directories we’ve known each other, and in each one, im awed by you. jaewon is an unforgettable muse, he really is, and you’re unforgettable mun, you really are. you’ve built an amazing place for people to come to and feel safe to express and write stories together. in all my rp years, ive only seen that a few times. thank you for letting me be a part of serenity, and you know where to find me if you ever need me. <3

@syxhenry​ Hi, doll. sorry that goodbyes have come down to this long ass message full of sap. i still think it’s hilarious that you were in kingsman & i didnt realize that till much later. there’s something very special about your characters. they’re all so well done, and the way you write them makes you want to keep reading everything about them. i’m lucky that i did get to write with you in not one, but two different places. henry and sol’s relationship didn’t develop quite as far as i would have loved to see them go, but there’s always more opportnities. i loved talking to you about characters, and plotting out the bizarre admiration sol has for henry. and i will always probably ship henry/noi. can you blame me?

@syaudrey​ im crying in the club right now because i have to say goodbye to one of the muns of a kickass engineering lady. you make me happy bc of how you are as a person, and the fact you’re writing about characters people don’t normally write about. can i just say how much i love the fact that audrey is asexual and amazing and complex and hilariously prickly all in one? sol and audrey are so funny bc all sol wants is to be friends with her, and she finds his bubbly attitude suspicious. i wish we’d gotten to rp that relationship to completion. we only started talking more frequently for a little bit, but omg i wish id had more time to chat with you. you’re so great and so is your muse. i only wish you the best, babe.

@sysullivan​ i only hope you can forgive me... maybe if i get on my knees. we had a lot of plans, and im sad we didnt get to write them out together. maybe some day, right? you’re one of the first people i talked to a LOT here, and i just want to thank you for humoring me, especially when i would send you the most ridiculous ideas or thoughts about things. also, i was the one that sent that secret admirer message that one time. ;))))) sol’s little crush on sullivan was really fun for me to write out, even if i only got to for a short time. what i like about you the most as a writer is how much thought and detail you put into your characters. absolutely blows my mind, honestly it does. i hope you never stop writing that way. you’re brilliant. thank you for sticking with me

@syxyihan​ you NEVER fail to make me smile, it’s incredible. plus writing with you is always really fun-- i had the most fun writing with you because you’re not afraid to be silly or a little ridiculous. i love both versions of your muse with all my heart, and i enjoyed every second i did get to speak with you. you’re in the wind now, like i am, but i still hope you see this. your creations are some of my favorite to see, and i really hope you keep writing. there’s a particular quality about your writing that makes you want to keep reading and reading and reading, and you’re sad when you reach the end of it because you want to see more. i loved the relationships between our characters even if they were short lived... and for the love of god i need real closure with yihan and henry. im crying. BUT. ill just write fanfic for them instead. LMAOO. your writing is gorgeous, it really is. best of luck to you <3 thank you

@syxmina​ mina is my kick ass cool aunt :( you’re one of the first people i interacted with... and their dynamic is sol being the annoying little kid who almost gets killed by mina all the time. yet, i love that. she never really killed him and deep down i like to think she still sort of... tolerates him in a positive way. i love mina will all of my sol (LMAO LET ME BE LAME). the way you play her is great to see. i hope you keep writing, and continue to spread your creativity. it’s worth wtinessing every time

@syxsonmi​ WE NEVER GOT tooooo WRITE. i’ll always remember you becuase you plotted that super cool, super dark plot with me right from the start. it takes a certain person to go crazy with that subject material right along with me, BUT YOU STILL DID AND I ADORE YOU FOR IT. you’re also a dreamcatcher fan and i gotta protect my fellow dreamcatcher friends. siyeon is my wife and ill worship her until i die but i digress. i love sonmi, and im sad we never got to write out that super cool plot. i only hope you can forgive me for disappearing on you. i loved watching sonmi develop beyond her trauma. you write her well, and this rp wouldnt be the same without you

@sybyul​ you thought i wouldn’t mention you, didn’t you? Well, think again. we didn’t get to writing that super awesome dynamic between our characters, but it’ll live on in my head and ill always remember you fondly. 1) you’re a really talented writer. 2) you’re really funny lmao afFALSKJKl. i wish i had more time with you, but maybe ill come back, or maybe we’ll run into each other again in a different directory. your writing is gorgeous, i never get tired of reading your application ( i think ive read it at least five times ). no lie. sorry that we have to part ways like this, but i really did enjoy being around you. remember to watch ice spiders or dragon wars & hate me for bringing that into your life. <3

at @ everyone else.

you make this place unforgettable, you really do. ive been here for a while, although i have been a ghost, i still logged in to keep up with the activity and the development of everyone’s characters. i don’t regret one moment or one second i spent here. one reason i didn’t write a solo of sol leaving is because i hope to return, i really do. but for now

you’re all talented, and I enjoyed watching all of you be so creative and passionate about this place. i love all of you. and since ive already been sappy, ill be a little even more sappy. remember to be kind to people, take care of yourselves, and keep writing.

see you, space cowboy

<3

[gerardwayslips]

Full House pt 5

It’s been three months. You’ve been here for three months, and you’ve learned quite a lot since that first day. Like how Darks room is filled books and he’ll sit there and read when he’s not running the house,  Or how Wilford sings while cooking, sometimes he will grab you when you’re walking past and swing you around while singing obnoxiously. Host seems to have grown fond of you and will let you sit is his room while he broadcasts, sometimes letting you join in (Something that shocked everyone else in the house), Bing is still very kind to you and makes sure you eat properly, Google has come around since the first time you two met, and likes to ask you questions about how you perceive the world around you. Light will take you out of a room if he feels like a fight is about to occur so you don’t get hurt.  Anti will force you into the living room to watch some movie that he’d chosen and leaves you out of his pranks ever since you convinced Wilford not to shoot him when Anti ruined his favourite tie.

All the members of the house have seemed to grown fond of you, some of them namely Dark and Anti, get increasingly jealous when you spend too much time with someone else. Both have dragged you away from Light because, “The damned feather duster is gonna turn you against the rest of us” Or “I need you to help me, mortal, be grateful I acknowledge you at all”. Everyone takes a different approach to get your attention, Light will tap your shoulder and wait politely, Wilford asks you to help him polish his guns or knifes, Bing and Google will ask for help on a “Human problem”, and the Host will send you into a story and narrate you through it.

Currently, you were lying on a couch, you couldn’t be sure which room you were in, Wilford likes to changes them around on you. In your hands you held a book from Darks room, it was about some backwards romance. Wuthering heights or something. To be honest you weren’t surprised that Dark enjoyed this book. You were finally getting to a good part when there was a loud crash from upstairs and multiple people yelling, Sighing you stood up and made your way towards the noise.

Upon reaching the commotion you were greeted with almost the entire household yelling at each other in what you assumed was the dining room. When you entered the room everyone went a deadly silent, You glanced around the room at all the men staring at you and you sighed, “What is going on? One second i’m peacefully reading, the next all of you are getting into a massive fight” You asked, your eyes going from person to person. Wilford, being he was the closest to you, got your attention first, “Willy, explain please” You addressed him, he smiled, “Nothing my dear, just a simple debate among us friends” He said, elbowing Anti (a bit too harshly), Who nodded franticly. You sighed and turned to Bing, “Bing, will you tell me what you guys are doing?” You asked, Bing froze as everyone turned to look at him, all of them knew he had the worst time lying to you, You put your hands on your hips and gave him what the guys call your “mom look”. he looked away, “N-nothing, like Wilford said, Just a friendly debate” He stammered, You huffed and turned to face Dark, “why do I feel like you have something to do with this?” You asked, he raised his hands innocently, “I have no idea what you’re talking about, Y/N” He said calmly.

You frowned, “You’re all up to something. And now every one in this room cannot be trusted until I figure out what it is” You said crossing your arms, everyone’s faces dropped suddenly, Bing looked crushed, Wilford and Anti froze, Google looked like he had to reboot, Dark was forced into stony silence, and Hosts mouth hung open mid narration. You turned on your heel and spotted Light in the corner, no doubt trying to hide from your view, you looked at him for a moment and sighed, “Even you Light” You said  walking out from the room to go back to your book.

~~~~~~~~~~

The next morning you were in the kitchen making breakfast when the doorbell rang. You grinned and ran to the door, swinging it open and hugging the man on the other side, “Mare! Ive missed you, you freak of nature you!” You screeched, he chuckled and hugged you back, “What’s up, buttercup! Hows life with the so called secretive ass holes?” He asked, You laughed And dragged him inside where a group of The guys had gathered to see who the unexpected visitor was. You pushed  past them holding Mares hand, leading him into the kitchen. “Is this the pancake recipe I taught you? You still use it!” He exclaimed excitedly, you laughed, “Of course, you nerd. These are the best Pancakes ever. I know Nate loves them” you laughed.

Wilford was the first to brave the kitchen, sticking his head in to look at the two of you, “So…whos the guy” he asked coldly looking Mare up and down. You frowned and glared at the pink haired man, “His Name is Natemare and he’s my best friend. We used to do everything together, and after last night I thought I’d invite him over.” You replied coldly, You left the room for a moment and Mare let out a low whistle, “What did you do to set her off this bad?” He laughed, Wilford glared at the entity, “We won’t tell her what we were talking about last night…stupid reason honestly” He grumbled, Mare laughed. “You’re lying?! To Y/N! Oh god, no wonder she’s so pissed! Last time someone lied to her she basically shunned him for months.” he explained leaning against the counter, Wilford opened his mouth to say something but shut it as you walked in.

Wilford walked out after a few minutes of your glaring and Mare laughed. You smiled and started on the pancakes, “So Mare, how’s Nate doing?” you asked glancing at the entity, he shrugged, “Fine I guess. Stubborn as always. He misses you” he said, you smiled sadly at him. “I had to leave, you know that” you said he nodded, “Yeah. I know”.  You piled the finished pancakes on to 9 plates and had Mare help set them at the table, when the table was set you went to the doorway to call the guys down, “FOODS READY YOU ANIMALS!” You exclaimed, you sat down as the guys began filing in and sitting down, you sat at one side of the table and Mare next to you, Dark and Wilford sat at either head of the table as usual and everyone else sat wherever. You could feel the entire table staring at the two of you, when you looked up everyone looked away. You frowned and looked back to Mare who looked amused by the entire situation. Breakfast went on silently until Google finally broke it, “How do you know our human?” he asked bluntly, you stared at him as Mare answered, “Your human? “ he questioned, you shook your head “It’s fine, he doesn’t understand the concept of possession” you muttered, Mare nodded. “I’ve known Y/N since I was created, she was Dating my counterpart Nate at the time” he said, the entire table went silent. “She was dating him?” Light spoke up, Mare nodded, “Yeah, after they split she spent more and more time with me, we fooled around a bit and- OW!” he was cut off by you slamming your foot on his. The guys were all glaring daggers at Mare. You sighed and rolled your eyes before standing and taking your plate to the sink.

Mare followed you into the kitchen, snatching your wrist pulling you to him, “Hey, what’s up?” he asked wrapping his arms around your waist, you huffed “You know I don’t like that being brought up. And with all of them in there, I’m surprised Wilford hasn’t killed anyone. And no doubt Dark is Furious” you sighed, Mare rolled his eyes, “Who cares? Come on, I know you remember how much…. /Fun/ we had when Nate was gone. Hmm? I certainly remember how much you liked this…” he trailed off, head ducking as he nipped below your ear, you sucked in a breath and put your hands on his chest pushing him off, “Mare. We can’t. I can’t do that anymore. We had our run and we didn’t fit…” you said Mare sighed, and hugged you burying his face in your neck you smiled and hugged him back, “Mare, you’re my best friend, and I know you could make me love you with only your voice, so thanks for you know, not doing that” You smiled  and pulled away from him, he grinned, “You’re very welcome, now, how about we play some Mario kart?” he asked, you laughed, “you’re on pretty boy” you said leading him to the game room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And that’s another chapter done! Natemare dropped by, hope you like that little tidbit! Anyway I’m working on 6 right now and don’t forget, criticism and requests are welcome!

[incendavery]

gosh, thank you! that is so sweet??? I hope you (and any other of my followers who celebrate!) have/had a very happy Eid!💖 💕

on another note, I’ve finally gotten around to cleaning out my askbox! under the cut is almost every ask I’ve gotten that i haven’t answered in the past.... I’m not sure. it’s been a WHILE though.

as a warning, there’s all sorts of stuff, and it’s all untagged! also also, if you sent one of these asks and want me to remove it, just let me know!

yes!! @fuckaspunk IS super sweet and talented and i AM very lucky to have them! and I’ve heard from reliable sources that the feeling is mutual~~💕

i’m glad my comics make you feel less alone; that’s a rough situation you’re in. i really hope you find yourself in a better environment soon!

thank you!!!💕

thank you for understanding! and yes, aidan is a huge help to me??? even when they’re not answering asks, they’re always supporting me in some way, whether that’s making sure I’ve eaten enough, or talking me through my anxiety, or all the other ways they’re there for me every single day💕💕

ok, my tips are!!:

draw as much as possible! even if it’s just lines and shapes with no meaning, you’re still developing your hand/eye skills

BUT: dont draw if you’re not feeling it! if you’re feeling fried, it’s better to take a break. go on a walk to somewhere scenic, read your favorite book, listen to some new music, hang out with friends, or just take a nap! rest up and find some inspiration! you can come back to your sketchbook when you feel energized again

draw stuff that you like! you’ll improve way faster if you’re passionate about what you’re doing

look at art you like with a critical eye. try to examine the different components and figure out what you think works or doesn’t work. try incorporation those components into your own work

read a lot of tutorials and other resources, but take what they say with a grain of salt

ultimately, remember that the only real rule to drawing is that doing it should make you happy

good luck!! i do my best not to pick, but it’s a real struggle; i have lots of scars from it too. ;v; im cheering for you!!!

ALWAYS!!!! if you do, please show me!! my notifications get real busy, but anyone is welcome to IM me any time!

thank you! i actually get very worried about my style; i tend to admire artists with complex linework and delicate shading, so i often feel my style is far to simple! so thank you!!

that is really high praise????? gosh??!?!?!? best of luck with the next three years; i hope you grow to be someone you like even better than me!

thank you!!

peanut time is the best!! i haven’t gotten to do a proper one in a while though ;-; i’ve mostly been feeding the crows on my way back home from night shifts, when i give them the reject eggs from the continental breakfast.

wow, neat!! chickens are so wonderful; i cont wait until i can have some of my own :>

dont be nervous! i know i can be hard to get ahold of over the internet (bc i get overwhelmed easily) and hard to talk with irl (bc i get so nervous and interacting w ppl doesn’t come naturally to me AT ALL) but honestly i?? love making new friends??!

thank you!!? im thankful every day that someone as radient as aidan is in my life for the long haul

thank you!!!!!!!💕

i completely feel that? its ok to hit rough patches! just do your best!!

i dont remember what i felt bad about but THANK YOU💕💕

honestly its done me worlds of good to share my art?? hearing people talk about how they go through all the same shit i do makes me feel so much less alone, especially on the toughest days! so i guess thank you, and thank you?

youre welcome!!!! :>

huh!! i dont know much about shoegaze (other than thinking abt that post abt the guy who pronounced it like fugazi I THINK ABT THAT EVERY TIME) but thats real neat!! im glad youve found something that works for you!!

hey, neat middle name! and youre very welcome; i hope things have been looking up for you since you sent this?💕

i dont remember when this was from but im currently doing really well with my meds!! i switched to a combination of lexapro in the morning and benadryl in the evening, and its been working super well!✨

thank you??!! ;o; i would love to see all your favorite birds!!

hey, right back atcha!!!

:0

ty!!!

hey. thank YOU

you’re absolutely not bothering me! thank you so much!!

!!!!!!!!!!

hey, nice! im glad you like both me and my music!

gosh thanks?!?!

she is the most beautiful and handsome!!!!!!!!!!!! i love her! thank you from both of us!!!!

aw, gosh! im sure i like you too!!

this was from.... A WHILE AGO.... but youre welcome?? i just wish i could have done more

hey, thank you so much!!!!!

thank YOU and a very very belated merry christmas!!!

that does make sense!! reconciling friendships and crushes is tricky business. the best i can say to you is to be as honest and open with each other as you can

i dont personally get those, but ive heard of people experiencing them as a sideeffect when coming off or switching meds

i think these two are part of the same message? but oh man yeah that sucks when ppl are misgendering you AND hitting on you at the same time. on a different note, ive never heard of using a corset to stim before! neat!

i mean, 1. depression doesn’t care if you have a “””good””” reason and 2. ive literally never met anyone w depression (including myself) who thinks that they do have a “””good””” reason for having it. thats the insidious part of depression, is that it makes you think that theres nothing wrong and that its all just you not measuring up in some way

so i guess that would make you.... someone with depression?

real BAD

💕 💖 💞  💓  💗

not yet haha THANK YOU

hey, im glad you like it!! since this blog has gotten so big, its kinda my happy place to be? (for anyone wondering, my reblog blog/personal is @spinels!

that IS a fun fact!! thank you!

it’s absolutely ok! i get a little bitter when people take my work WAY out of context (for example, straight people removing the caption that says “im just really gay” before tagging their bf/gf) but i am 100% ok and happy with people relating to my work in a different way than i intended (ex: a comic i made about being ashamed of my derma getting reblogged by someone struggling to be ok w their visible burn scars)

hoo gosh, thank you!!

glad to have you here!! im glad people can relate to some of the weirdly specific shit i write about tbh???

i’m sorry its taken so long for me to get back to you; that a terrible situation

if you have a teacher you trust, i would absolutely bring it up to them. that is 100% not an ok thing for those kids to be doing. at all.

im glad you at least have your friends that support you! 

:0 WAIT is this someone i know through ucsc?? :0 :0 :0

HA 

aaaa thank you! that is high praise ;v;

i have no words; this is such a touching message. thank you so much ;v;

this is belated but!! the main creative community i can recommend is kzsc, the radio station! i had a real cool time there, and its a great way to make friends and connect with ppl of all sorts! :0

yeah, its totally normal! ive had roommates ive been super tight with, and roommates who i barely ever hung around with. its natural! i doubt you’ll finish college w/o finding a roomie that you get ~The Roomie Experience~ with though, even if its like a housemate or s/t!! ;0

i’ve never been told that, actually! neat!! (and wow?? i cant believe i inspire ppl.... wow......... what a concept tbh??)

oh yikes... i do hope youre feeling better :( im glad my comics can help a little bit at least!

💕 💖 💞  💓  💗!!!

HUGS

i dont remember what this was in reference to, but good to know?

also good to know!?

i think the crows and jays do! i dunno about the squirrels and other birds. and thank you!!

the youth gang..... i love it..... how good???!

i wrote about getting yuri right here! he’s a southern alligator lizard and i love him to bits. 

heres a pic of the Long Boy doin his thing:

hey neat! i’m glad youve chosen a lame you can be proud of!!💖

ive never heard of that!! wow

what play is this?? :0 :0 :0 im so curious now!!

oh SHUCKS...,,,,,,,,,, ;v;

hahahaha omg thank u

i dont actually have any more of them interacting, unfortunately! the owl isnt one specific person, like a lot of my characters are meant to represent. the owl more represents as a whole all the people i run into in my life that i am very very gay for.

thank you!!!

youre very welcome! im glad you feel better!!!!

aaa gosh thank you!!!

hhhhfgh ive gotten less of it recently BUT YEAH that was bad times™️ 

thanks for the info!!! :0

no problem! a lot of the credit honestly goes to @fuckaspunk, who is always keeping me updated on that sort of stuff.

i didn’t know that! a lot of the symbolism seems to come from multiple sources sometimes, from what ive seen?

aaaa gosh omg thank you ;v;

aw thank you???!!

nice!!! oct 24 bdays go!!!

thank you!! it really does mean a lot actually!!!!!!!

of course?? antisemitism cant be ignored in this fight

aw, thats so cute! id love to hear what headcanons you have tbh???

hey thanks?! this is really cool to hear, tbh. i try to be positive most of the time, but im not going to like,,, kid myself when im not feeling it and im glad that other people can appreciate that too, ya know?

wow!!

(this one!) thank you i love that one too???!

hey, im glad you found your way here!! thank you so much!!!

aaaa ty! 

hmmm i have two leopard geckos, and they made very good beginning lizards for me and aidan! but i would maybe ask someone a bit more experienced than me, like @kaijutegu​ or @wheremyscalesslither​!!

thank you!!

one day at a time! (but seriously, thank you!!)

yummy yummy sauce...... ty!!!

awww, gosh! thank you!?

AAAA TY BOTH I GET SO SELF-CONSCIOUS ABT MY VOICE,,,,, ;o;

:0 i havent watched that, but it sounds rly cool!!

i like that fun fact a lot! ty!!

pae stands for paerlin, which is what @fuckaspunk​‘s internet handle used to be! i used it to refer to them on my blog in secret back when they still didnt know i had a crush on them.... ;//v//;

aaaaa thank you!!!  ;o;

nice nice nice ty!!

>:0 get back down here!! (jk that’s rly neat! highfive!!) 

those are all good words that i like!! thank you!!!!

i dont know anything about him, but i looked him up and i guess i can see it?!

@fishcrow is really cool! ive never really interacted with them, but im p sure were mutuals...? anyway yeah their comics are rly cute and cool!

that is me! thank you; i hope things go well for you as well!

hello to you too!

aaaa ty!!! tbh the number of nice anons i get way way way outnumbers the mean ones <3

thank you! thank YOU for existing!

:0 chocolate croissant, here i come!!!

thank you!!!!!!💕

its literally my pleasure!!!

aaa ty!!! 💕💕

hehe im glad! 

sldf;j;sfjdklfdslfjs thank you so much?????? what a compliment omg gosh

yeah!! i have a hard time on settling what class id be, but i feel like id be a heart player! 

ohh um! im not sure which pens youre referring to, but if you mean the ones I use for my comics, i color them with Winsor & Newton ProMarkers, and I do the lines with a purple fine-point Sakura Gelly Roll Classic pen! i also use micron pens of all different sizes and colors in some of my non-diary comic art!

aww thank you so much!!

:0 :) :0 !!!!!!

ty!!! ive grown to love him very much as well!!

thank you! i hope you are doing well also!!

i love them very much?!! id put a picture but i dont have one with all four of them so instead imagine me lying on the floor crying abt how much i love them bc thats me basically every day

you dont mean......

?!?!?!?!?!?!

awwww ty!!!

HEY WOW

aaa gosh thank you!💕

DOUBLE FOLLOW

gay dragons combine the best of both very good things: gay and dragons. im glad you appreciate them w me tysm ;v;

aaa what a lovely message! ty💕

3rd-shift-working, depression-having, corvid-loving solidarity fistbumnp!!!!

huh! ive never heard of that; ill check it out maybe!!

ah im really glad? tysm!!💕

my understanding is that it helps people who have text-to-speech readers? but im honestly not as well informed on that as i should be! 

hell yeah!!!! 

gosh!!!!!

hnmngnhng youve probably already made a decision but i just gotta say.........shadow rulez

delicious!!

i havent!! i really want to though!

oh man ALL THE TIME. i usually try to either reality check with someone i trust, or to do an activity thats easy and i know i can do, or both!

i love andre and karl!!! its actually a huge influence on me and my art tbh??? 

i had a good (and safe) trip! ty!!!

hey, thank you!!!

oh jeez thats bad :( i think this was in response to when i needed to wait between med refills?

i cant give a precise reason, tbh! when it comes to whats lucky, i just sort of.... go with my gut, ya know?

thank you!! 👍

that sure sounds like insomnia! its almost hard for me to say tbh, bc ive had trouble sleeping for as long as i can remember, so NOT having trouble sleeping is bizarre and unrealistic to me haha... but i think the bottom line is, if its interrupting your daily routine and making it hard for you to have enough energy, then its something you should look into remedies for!

:0 :0 :0

ohhh how nice! ill give it a try! :>

omg,,,, nope, just me!

thank you!!!!!!

honestly? thats such a good way to look at it i love the idea of my blog as a big zine

always!!!!! go for it!!!

hey, thank you so much!!!!!

omg, thats so great! thank you!

im so glad; thank you!!!

thank you so much!💖 (and mexico, neat! i love hearing where people are following from??)

aaaaaaaaaaaa ;//v//; thank you??? i get so happy whenever ppl tell me they like my singing aaaaaaa

aw, hey, no worries! money is all well and good, but in some ways, messages like this mean just as much!

its cool that comic gave you plural feels! im def not a system though :> 

its tricky, isnt it? i still feel like im no good at it lmao

LISTEN,,, there is a 99.9999% chance i wont notice, and a 100% chance i wont judge. reblog away! 

THANK YOU ARENT THEY THE BEST I LOVE THEM SO MUCH

thank you!! i hope you have a good day as well!

aaa ty!!💖

aa ty! (what a cool name!!! im kind jealous ngl!)

awww thank you💖

i do my best! i just worry when im not active, bc i tend to connect my self-worth to my output (;^; )

aaaaa ty!! 💖

!!!!!!!!!!!! omg wow i love being called a pretty boy???? ty???????

hey, neat! crow high-five!

aw, thank you!!! 💖

im doing my best! thank you so much, messages like this really help when im in a place like that tbh ;v;

gosh this is so sweet? thank you so muhc !!?

thank you all!! im sorry that saying thank you over and over sounds so repetitive, but i truely do mean it for every one of you!!!

i am..... one of those things!

well thank you!!

ohoho~✨

thank you! and honestly im sure it does??

hey, cool! good for you!!!!!!! and ty!!

aw gosh thank you!💖

hey, wow! thats super cool; thank you so much!

(i dont follow the first person i followed on tumblr anymore.... they became a hockey blog rip haha)

aaaah, thank you so much!!

almost???

i do!! drunken lullabies is an absolute banger!!!!!!!!!!

i am!!!! thank you!!

aw, ty!!! 💖

hee hee, thank you! 

my biggest tip honestly?? have someone who can be by your side to help you with... basically everything... during your recovery. bc trust me, i was n o t  a v a i l a b l e. i spent a lot of my recovery playing 2048 at the same time as watching tv, bc doing both at once distracted me from how much the bandages itched.

thank you!! (i think this was in reference to getting top surgery!)

how shitty??????? yikes. i hope your supervisor has your back??? bc wow????

hey!!! thank you!!! i draw all my comics traditionally on paper! im not sure what you mean by the writing though? if you mean the word bubbles, i do those by hand on paper too!

I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND THAT FEELING,,,, im so happy ppl talk to me, but i get really nervous about saying the wrong thing. 

when i’m down, i usually crave validation. i like being reminded about things ive done right! i also like gentle reality checks, like, ‘hey: this is the situation, this is what we can do about it. ok? ok’

i unfortunately dont have any!! i had a couple at one point, but they’ve since been lost to the depths of my old laptop. and hey, thank you so much!!

now thats a nifty trick!! im terrible at telling all my white tablets from each other lmao

!!!!!!! ITS ME!!!!!!!!

maybe you just need some space? i know i sometimes temporarily block people i know, if i need some private space or if i dont trust myself to keep cool and solve problems constructively. do what you need to do to feel at ease, and go from there, ya know?

thank you!!!

its,,,, up somewhere above in this monster post lmao i,m so sorry,,,,

thank you so much!!!

WOW NO WORRIES??,,,,,,,,, INCREDIBLE 10/10???????

all four of these came right after i gave myself a hair cut and THANK YOU SO MUCH??? i live for validation and it feels so good to have my actions affirmed ;o;

[asteroiideae]

SPOILER WARNING THERE WILL BE SPOILERS:

So, my boyfriend finally saw Rogue One, and he was super excited because there is no love story shoehorned into the film, apparently.

Lets talk about some subtext, kids. From Jedha onward, there’s more than a little indication that Cassian has developed respect-bordering-on-feelings for Jyn Erso. (It’s generous to call this progression subtext if you read the novelization, Cassian goes down pretty fast where Jyn is concerned.) You can see it when he’s watching her take down Stormtroopers on Jedha. It’s in his desperation to find her at Saw Guerrera’s lair even after he’s located the defected pilot, Bodhi Rook. It’s on Eadu. It’s in their fight after Eadu. It’s on Yavin IV when he looks at her and says the one thing Jyn has been craving to hear since her family was destroyed before her very eyes. There is almost more subtext to support Cassian’s interest in Jyn across the two mediums than there is in the entirety of Harry Potter to support any of its canon ships.

What’s so incredible about this is that it stays subtext. At no point does Cassian place his own feelings (his own need to care about Jyn) over her own well-being. (We’ll come back to whether he places it above the well-being of the mission later.) At no point does he require Jyn to reciprocate his feelings. There’s never a point in the films where he throws a temper tantrum because her mind is on pressing matters at hand (Han, I’m looking at you.) Although he’s never far from her side (something else we’ll come back to), he doesn’t manhandle or grab her. In short, there are none of the traditional signs in media that this is a man who is interested in a woman.

Cassian Andor is no Han Solo. He lacks the ego for that, the requirement that he hold a place of importance in Jyn’s thoughts at all (or at least most) times. He is not threatened to her connection to her father through Bodhi, and he never tries to make her decisions for her. He’s no Indiana Jones, sweeping in to save the damsel in distress and getting a kiss or some ass or more than a grateful expression. Cassian is no James Bond to rape Jyn Erso into submission a la Pussy Galore. His body doesn’t tower over Jyn, his authority doesn’t smother her independence or her good ideas. In short, Cassian Andor is not what we have come to expect of a male lead.

In the two days (and multiple near-death experiences) that they are together, Cassian and Jyn grow to work together as a team. They’re equals in every way but Alliance rank. Cassian has grown to respect her, to grudgingly trust her, and by the time they’re on Scarif it doesn’t even take verbal communication sometimes for them to express thoughts. They’re not here to do anything but redeem themselves or die trying, and neither of them let a little thing like budding, burgeoning, feelings get in the way. When Jyn says with certainty that she’s found the plans, Cassian believes her. When they’re under attack, he tells her to climb no matter what. He doesn’t appear at the last moment to save the day, he’s not responsible for sending the plans skyward. Cassian arrives in time to save Jyn from becoming something she’s not, and turning into something he already is. Not because he doesn’t think she is incapable of pulling that trigger, but because he doesn’t want her last actions in this life to be something as soul-scarring as murder.

On that elevator, they look into each other’s eyes. They’ve seen parts and pieces of each other that maybe no one has before, or maybe just that are new to them. He doesn’t kiss her. He could. They’re on their way to die, and they both know it. The audience would forgive him for it, most likely. This is how action-romance films work. But Cassian doesn’t, because he doesn’t need to. Because it’s not the right time. Because dying isn’t the reason to do it. So they sit on a beach, and hold each other fast, and die as partners rather than lovers.

My boyfriend doesn’t see the love story. He doesn’t see the looks, the consideration, the hovering touches and think “these are people in love.” He’s not entirely wrong, of course, Cassian and Jyn aren’t afforded the time to fall in love. But there it is, and there they are, and many of the women I know who’ve seen the films see something in them.

We’re seeing the male romantic lead as we want him. Supportive. Handsome. Willing to get his hands dirty alongside us, and maybe even dirtier when it’s necessary but not because we’re women - because he knows us. It’s not a weakness, it’s a consideration. Our world narrative, where we’re grabbed and groped and overpowered isn’t something we want reflected in our fiction. We want this. It’s not to say that Han Solo is a bad romantic lead (although I’d argue he’s problematic as fuck), he’s just not written for women. He’s a man’s man, who can bring a sassy, saucy, princess to her knees with a kiss and a smug “I know.” Cassian Andor is a romantic lead written for women. The feminine gaze sees him, sees the way he never overpowers Jyn but the way he’s never far (and the way Jyn reciprocates it) and we swoon. We see a man who puts aside his mission and refuses to kill because when he looks at his mark, all he can see are his romantic interest’s eyes. He’s not so manly he has to do something that hurts him, hurts us, for the sake of a mission. Maybe he doesn’t trust us right away, but he warms up slowly. It’s not the harsh words and the fighting that draws us in but the “I believe you,” and the “welcome home.” 

The conclusion of their story is that some things are bigger than love, but that there’s always promise in that lost potential. My boyfriend looks at Rogue One and doesn’t see a love story - he sees a mission. I look at Rogue One and I see dozens of stories - one of them a potential love story. I look at Rogue One and I see an almost-romance that is, for once, written for me.