#trying not to give myself deadlines because then I feel bad when I miss it and make it worse

[pencilofawesomeness]

if u are struggling with ideas for ur htryds manga how about we give you some? Would that help?

Nope lol. XD

Friend, ideas are not the problem. I am a cesspool of ideas. I am constantly drowning in ideas. Ideas are the reproducing bunnies and I am the trenchcoat they gather in.

The hiatus happened because I got burned out, because ideas jumping in my head does not equate to me having the energy or the braincells to put them to paper. Plus as I have said before, some irl stuff happened and I needed the emotional recovery time. Plus if you've ever experienced burnout, it has a fun side effect of being like a long-lasting statis-effect that shouldn't be as effective as it is. It sucks. Don't worry about me though, I'm letting the plot bunnies run amok and have fun in my head and enjoying my indulgent project so I am stockpiling dopamine I can use on command for creative purposes. Thus is the cycle of a creative. I appreciate the patience

[drewsbuzzcut]

I love their romance feels realistic for their age as well. Although I would love to have a blurb of them doing LDR when he’s in the NHL and she’s in Paris. Alternatively a day of them spending in an Paris

So I haven’t actually decided if Dallas will live in Paris or if she turns down the offer. For the sake of this request, we’ll say she’s in Paris for a little bit during Nick’s first year in the NHL

warnings: minor angst

Dallas makes her way up to her tiny apartment, coffee in one hand and a roll of fabric in the other. She struggles with slotting her key in the keyhole, the shrill ring of her phone making her nerves heighten. She knows who’s calling her and she shouldn’t be so annoyed by it, but she is.

“Yes?” She says into the phone that’s now between her cheek and shoulder, voice short and hard.

Between the stress of finishing her first 5 pieces of her collection and Nick’s schedule not coinciding with hers, Dallas feels like she’s hanging by a single, tattered thread.

“Woah. What’s wrong?” Nick asks. She doesn’t even have to see him to know his eyebrows are furrowed and he’s biting at his lip.

“What isn’t wrong? My deadline is nearing its end and I still have one piece to work on. My fabric choices aren’t vast, so I’m literally hauling myself into any and every fabric store to find what I need. Oh! And I can’t talk to you right now,” she huffs into the phone, finally pushing her door open.

Her lips part to allow oxygen into her lungs. Her hair that was neat an hour ago, is now all over the place. Strands pulled out from her hairstyle now lay over her forehead and get caught in her mouth as she talks.

“Babe, it’ll be okay. You’re a fashion genius, you’ll figure it out. But, what do you mean you can’t talk?” He tries to hype her up, but he’s a little lackluster because she can’t talk.

“I already told you, Nick. My schedule is strict. I was available for a phone call yesterday- one that you were available for as well, but then you said that something came up. You’re the one who canceled our call yesterday, so yeah, I can’t talk today,” Dallas snaps, a hand pressing into her forehead to prevent the headache she already feels from draining her completely.

“I’m sorry, okay? I had something important that I couldn’t just cancel, but surely you can take a little break,” he says, trying to keep calm.

“I take a break every time I step away from the damn sewing machine to look for fabric, or to eat for fucks sake. I can’t do this right now. I need to let you go,” she rants and clicks the red button on her phone.

She inhales and exhales deep breaths and lets her tears drip down her cheeks. She feels bad for snapping at him, but he can’t expect her to drop everything when he won’t. You get what you give.

She stomps through the tiny layout of her temporary home, flinging herself on her bed and dialing Nick’s number.

“Hey,” he whispers.

“I’m sorry. I’m so stressed. If I don’t get this last piece figured out, then all of this will just be a waste of time and money. Money I can’t afford to lose out on. I can’t even begin to fathom what the investors will tell other companies about my capabilities. It doesn’t help that I miss you every single second of the day. I wish I was with you. Why did I come to Paris?” Dallas rants, her tears evident in the way her breathing stalls and her soft sniffles.

“Baby, I love you. You’re my wife and my wife is amazing at what she does. You’re having trouble right now, but you’ll figure it out. Once you do, you’ll be unstoppable. This isn’t a waste and those investor assholes don’t have any room to talk badly about you. I miss you so much, June bug. We’re going to be okay, though. Only a month left until you come back to me, or I can go to you. We can spend a week or two and do all the things you were too busy to do,” Nick soothes her. It feels like she’s being kissed through the phone.

She misses him so much.

“Promise?” Her voice is scratchy, but Nick can hear the vulnerability.

“I promise.”

“I love you, Nicky. Tell me about your day. Maybe I can spark up some up inspiration,” she allows herself one moment of peace, listening to her husband’s voice.

[sneverussape]

all right, i'll bite :) for the 4am asks: 12, 14, 39, 87, 100. <3

:3

answering this while a storm rages outside and i’ve yet to have my morning coffee — so this will be…idk unflinchingly honest prob.

12. Do you have the feeling you’ve lost something you might have had in another life - whether it be a person, a place, a world, a language, etc.?

when i was growing up, my parents always reminded us that, had they done something different during their past (dated another person, went to another university, etc), they would not have married each other and we would not have been born. hearing that so constantly as a kid made me have an awareness of What Could Have Been, even though what my parents were aiming for was prob a weird sense of “wow thank god you guys got married” which my brothers and i never gave them lol. i always imagine the scenarios of my parents never getting married to each other and living different lives, but also what would have happened had other decisions been made.

that sense of loss is constant when i think about these things too much - what if we had stayed in x country, what if i had gone to x school for university, what if i had said yes to this certain offer, etc. all of them would have led to a very different life than what i have now. for one thing i’d probably not have the job i have now (a field and institution i never in a million years would have thought i’d be in as a kid), and i’d probably be living elsewhere (likely the US). even staying together with a former partner would have led to a different outcome - i’d probably have kids, live in california, and have a different career/life trajectory. i’m not unhappy with the state of my life rn though, and i think this is the scenario i’d have chosen anyway had i been given the option. the grief maybe comes from the loss of deeper relationships i could have had. i miss the people i’ve had to say goodbye to and are no longer in touch with for one reason or another. i like to imagine that in other universes these other scenarios exist and we’re still having the time of our lives.

14. Would you want to be reincarnated?

no. :)) i want the end to be the end, yknow? whether there’s Beyond or Nothing i want it to be that already. no more repeats, i’m tiredt.

39. Do you know what you want out of life?

whenever people ask me this question, it always reminds me of that scene in What’s Eating Gilbert Grape when gilbert gets asked what he wants for himself, and gilbert says “i want to be a good person”. i watched this as a kid and it really stuck with me. it seems like such a simple thing to be but it’s not. i can’t control most things; i can only really control myself. what i want out of life is just me putting some good out to the world as much as possible, and making conscious decisions that would help rather than harm, even if it’s just for a single person. yesterday my friend was having a hard time but couldn’t leave the house because she had to meet a deadline. i bought her a boba tea and had it delivered to her house as a snack. it was expensive and honestly something she could have done herself but i figured it’d be a nice gesture and one thing to make her day less shitty. i want a kinder world. i try to put out what i want the universe to give back in spades to others. idk that’s all anyone probably really wants at the core of it all, right?

87. Do you anger easily?

yes. my mom has really bad anger issues (likely due to her own childhood as a military brat and being 7 out of 9 kids) and it’s a response i learned to emulate from a fairly young age. i learned to get better control of it as i went through school, copying how my peers and older mentors acted. i think i was always very self-aware, although i don’t know how i was trained to be that way, and i knew anger wasn’t the right response. i’d be seething internally but act controlled on the outside, because i knew that was how to get what i wanted/needed. i’ve mastered it at this point except when it comes to certain people who really trigger a specific response, like my brothers. mannn, the fights we get into. 🙃 i’m slow to outward anger (inside, im always angry with one thing or another lol) with colleagues and friends but when it gets to boiling point, i can be pretty vicious with words. this is also why i prefer keeping it under control because i don’t like the feeling of regret that comes when you say something you didn’t really mean, or something you did mean but know you shouldn’t have said out loud. this is also the reason my sister said she could never be friends with me if we weren’t siblings since i’m far more ruthless than what she can stand. i know that! i accept it. 🥲 i’m working on it.

100. What belief do you have that isn’t logically grounded, but you still firmly believe in?

hmm. idk really. even my belief of god gets challenged from time to time. probably the one thing i strive to keep believing in despite parts of me also accepting its impossibility, is how people aren’t really gone after death and there’s still a chance to see each other again someday. it’s a necessary coping mechanism for me, and though i equally accept that it can be untrue, i’d rather believe it is. i’d miss people too much if i didn’t, and i don’t think i can bear losing them so permanently. the heartache is too much.

anyway thank you @greens-your-color for the asks! sorry if it got morose. it’s the lack of coffee. 😪

have a good weekend!

[wulvert]

hello, i was wondering if you had any advice for keeping to a schedule for posting episodes? i really admire how you can crank out such high-quality episodes in a timely manner AND keep it up for more than one webtoon at the same time

hello! I dont think im the best person to ask this, I do think I keep to deadlines really well, but I draw my pages the day I post them (aside for paperteeth where I try to sketch the page the night b4 bc I have college on thursdays which gives me less of thursday to work on it) which is bad- I drew the pages the day I posted them when I used to update triptrack every other day which was worse. Definitely do not do what I do, get a buffer- but try be adamant about keeping that buffer because its so hard to regain a buffer i had one for ONE week last year I miss it.

Making it a known fact that you upload on (day) def makes you feel like you need to follow through? i HATE to be that person but I think most of my persistence is probably just im autistic and i get anxious thinking about skipping my upload routine, just taking two weeks off in december kills me a little im ngl, my schedules weird, I cant rly bring myself to draw a page on any other day, im just extremely rigid on routine to a fault.

But routine can be good so like maybe set smaller goals like- draw 3 panels this day that day and those days so u have like 9 panels by the end of the week without taking too much of a chunk out of the day & being overwhelming. Itll depend how long it takes you to draw a panel though.

but. i hope u find a routine that works 4 u :) My schedule works for me but its diseased and wouldnt reccommend it to anyone else

[snwusberry]

「 misbehave 」

pairing: san x reader

genre: angst (i think...)

warning(s): toxic relationship, suggestive themes, language

note: this is not written to glorify or romanticize toxic relationships nor do i associate this character with san in any way.

THIS IS FICTION SO THE PERSONALITY OF THE CHARACTER WILL NOT MIRROR THAT OF THE ACTUAL PERSON.

| y/n |

fucked up is one way do describe what's going on. my friend even said i lost my damn mind and i agree but whats the fun in being cautious anyway? i mean sure my emotions are just messed up now but its too late to change anything now so what's the point?

"you did not just schedule a d*ck appointment in my presence. i just know you didn't." my friend, claire, comments loudly as she was munching on some nasty ass sweet potato fries.

"no i didn't you moron. we're just going to talk." i answered her makimg her give me a judgemental look before scoffing.

she knows. we both do.

"sweetie, your little talks always end up in fights then you somehow end up in each other's bed. can't you see that man is a walking red flag?"

that's one thing she's not right about. san isn't the big bad wolf my friends and family paint him as. he's sweet, mindful, caring. when we're together, we both just bring out the worst in each other.

"don't you have your own problems to handle with blaise?" i asked her trying to shift the topic onto her and her own bad decisions. all i hear is the sound of the leaves on the trees rustling in the soft wind. "you see? you have no space to talk."

"yeah, yeah okay. but don't come to me crying again." she sulks in her seat and continues eating.

"look. i've gotta go now. i'll see you later okay?"

"be careful, okay."

i nod and stand up to leave.

i take my keys and drive to the place i've sworn so many times not to go to, yet i always find myself at the same place each time.

i knock on the door and wait a while. i hear footsteps approach and the door opens revealing the one and only choi san. i sigh and look at him, try to gather myself and my words.

i've rehearsed what i wanted to say on my way here and i'm determined to tell him exactly what i want to. but then again, how many times has this happened? i should know its no use.

"can i come in?" i ask and he says nothing. he just moves aside fo me to enter.

i walk in and sit down as he closes the door. he comes and sits down on the sofa opposite the one i'm on but he doesn't say anything.

its radio silence. the only sound coming from the radio softly playing music. i look at the table where he has his laptop set up with a few papers messily put next to it.

i remember back to when he would have late nights chasing deadlines and i'd be there with him with my own assignments to complete.

although we'd both have our own wrok to do, we'd still goof around and be each other's company. i miss those days.

"are you not gonna say anything?" i asked him, not daring to look at him.

"what do you want me to say?" he asked, leaning back in the sofa.

"you invited me here. i thought you had something to tell me."

"i do. its just... i don't know..."

"then let me say something." i tell him and he looks at me. i immediately freeze up.

he really doesn't know the power he holds does he?

"i wanna go back to the old us."

i wanna punch myself in the face. that's not what i came here to say.

"you know thats impossible right? we've done too much damage, theres no way to fix this." he states bluntly. maybe a little too blunt.

"how would you know?"

"y/n how wouldn't i? everyone can see it, it's about time you open your eyes to see it too."

i can already feel the tears threatening to spill. i know all this already, i was just never ready to accept it, i guess now is the time.

i look down, shutting my eyes in attempt to regain my composure.

"i see it. i see it a little too clearly but why not try?"

"because we're too far gone! yes we still love each other but it's damaged and there's no amount of fixing that can be done to get it back to how it once was!" he tells me, raising his voice.

i hate it. i hate it so much how he's gone from only speaking to me in such a soft voice, never even attempting to raise his voice at me, to that being one of the only ways he talks to me.

"you're right." i take a breath, wiping the tears that have fallen. "it is tainted. i want all this to end. i dont want us to keep hurting each other like this. i really do want it to end but that would mean we'd have to end this relationship and i don't want to let it go. i don't wanna lose you."

this is far from where i wanted this to go. i'm not supposed to be be crying, i was supposed to end it and i was supposed to me out that door with my remaining dignity yet that's not the case.

hell, is it ever?

"that's the thing. i don't wanna lose you either. i love you more than anything but everytime we try to speak we just end up fighting. it's taken a toll on us. it's not healthy."

"it's not like I want us to fight." i mumble, lowering my head.

"I don't want us to either but you just get on my nerves sometimes." he reveals, getting closer to me. my breath catches in my throat and i look up at him. my teary eyes meeting his troubled ones. "don't look at me like that. you do it on purpose don't you?" he sat right next to me.

not this again. anything but this. it's not too late. i can still stop this. i just need to say the word.

"admit it baby." he softly speaks, taking my hand in his. his hand enveloping mine perfectly.

i look at our connected hands and sigh, letting more tears fall. i can't do it.

"i love it when we misbehave."

"you're so fucked up." he said to me. his face dangerously close to mine.

he's too close now. i can't back out when he looks at me like that.

"we both are."

"and you say we can fix this when this is how you think?" he said with a sick smile on his face.

i should hate this, but i can't.

"why are you making seem like i'm the only one who feels this way?" i finally get a grip and move away, taking my hand out of his hold and i stand up. san, i need to leave."

i grab my keys and make my way to the door. before i can even reach tor the handle, he speaks up

"you'll be back tonight anyway." he said walking me out. "it was nice talking to you."

i say nothing and walk to my car not looking back.

i get in my car and look at the door where hes standing witg an unreadable expression.

not this time choi san.

once i get home, i see claire already there, watching my wife and kids.

"what are you doing here?" i ask and she turns to me.

"you know i don't have disney plus. so im here. hey can you refill my soda?"

"no."

i go to my room to get into more comfortable clothes, wiping my makeup off before walking back to the living room.

"i'm assuming you finally made the right decision seeing you didn't take long." she breaks the silence and her words take me back to what could've been.

"yeah. i have to put myself first."

"i'm proud of you."

i smile at ger and stand up to get myself a drink when claire walks into the kitchen.

"look, something came up and i gotta run. don't continue watching without me alright?"

i nod and she runs off. now i'm left alone with my thoughts. bad combo.

"you do it on purpose, don't you?"

his closeness, the look in his eyes, his voice. i need to get it out of my head.

i can't be alone, i'll make another bad decision.

i pick up my phone and dial my sister's number.

"hello?"

"tanya, can i come over?" i ask her

"uhhh... sure."

"okay, thanks. i'll see you later."

i hang up and get my stuff to leave. i get in my car and drive down the falimiar roads.

once i arrive, i walk to the front door and knock, waiting for the door to open.

"i told you you'd come back. come inside."

i sigh, walking into the house.

[bell-arina271]

Day 12 of building Elsa’s Ice Palace

I feel like I’ve gotten a lot of sleep finally, so hopefully this means my sleep schedule will be getting a little more regular. Which means I’ll actually be feeling better, but we’ll see.

I conked out a bit at work (whoops) but managed to get myself up in time before anything bad happened. Yesterday I was thinking about how little my leftover funds would be once I started making consistent payments on a house, and not for the first time felt like my current salary would not be enough. I remembered before going to bed that I’ve fallen behind on my life coach lessons again, so I’ll be spending time bingeing those for a while. Ugh, the work is never done. But if I can do well and supplement my income, then I’ll be good to go.

As far as the sale goes, there’s more stuff from the title company. If I can give one bit of advice when you try to buy a house, it’s to CHECK YOUR EMAIL EVERY DAY to make sure you don’t miss anything. Thankfully I do so haven’t had any issues missing anything. There’s another player to the party: the title company. They’re different from the agent and the lender, so be sure to ask questions and keep up with your homework.

On another note, I’m trying to figure out what to do about furniture. If it were just me I’d just be saving up for months and buying as I go, but if I want to rent out the space on airbnb I should furnish it. Maybe I should just find a roommate for the first year to offset the costs while I furnish, and then rent it out next year. After all I really just need company and I’d rather have someone I trust to watch the house, my stuff, and my cat while I’m out. Also it turns out I’ll have to look up the laws and ordinances about airbnb and renting in my area, since it’s different in each county (which I honestly should have guessed).

Ugh, still have a ton of stuff to do, let’s hope I can manage it. My number 1 priority should be getting my life coaching classes under my belt before my deadline (in my defense, I was doing really good for a while) so I can graduate at a decent rate, but I want to do my smaller projects first just to check them off my list. I guess I’ll just have to prep myself for a lot of work the next few weeks :/

Can’t forget father’s day tomorrow, so at least set aside some time to talk to him, but besides that more video watching for me. And lots of note taking, because this is where it gets tough.

[ateezmakemeweep]

Hey! I need some help if you don’t mind.

I’ve been seriously struggling with writers block and I’ve just been feeling like everything I write is shit.

It might have something to do with my creative writing class and having to write stuff for actual assignments and a grade and I’m really fucking terrible with deadlines so I feel like my work never lives up to its full potential so it’s really getting me down.

On my alternate account, I started writing but I only have the first part posted and it hasn’t been updated in around a year or more.

I want to start writing for it so badly especially after someone commented that they want more, but I’m stuck in this slump. I also entered a bunch of collabs and I never finished or posted them and I’ve felt like a shitty horrible person ever since so I feel even less inclined to write even though I really wanna write and finish them.

And on top of school, I haven’t had enough time (or given myself enough time) to write at all.

I’m really stressed and scared because writing fan fiction really means a lot to me and I hate feeling so unpassionate about something I love and used to be so freaking passionate about.

Do you have any advice? Have you ever felt like this? What do you do when you get writers block or in a slump?

I’m sorry for the long message but this has been tearing me apart for weeks.❤️

hii! as i’ve said before, i’m going thru it rn and don’t have it in me to write and it makes me sad that when i try, i just can’t do it so i understand what ur going thru💛 that being said, sometimes if ur struggling with it the best thing u can do is just give urself that break and know that you shouldn’t feel guilty or upset ab it

however, what i always found helpful in times of normal writers block and not crippling mental disease was to either write something brand new that my mind kept going back to or write something small with a plot i’d really enjoy/would want to read! a few weeks ago, i also started doing little ten minute writing prompts i found on tiktok and that was something easy and fun 2 slowly get back into it🥰 u just use a random word generator and then write wuteva nonsense ur little mind conjures up

but yeah, also don’t ever feel bad for giving urself a break even if u miss it, sometimes that time away is the best thing u can do

[preetyugly]

I think the reason I binged and gained all the weight back is because my problems were not fixed magically after I reached my goal weight.

It wasn’t enough and my goal weight kept going low. Yes, I was happy every time I would see the mirror and see how small my face has gotten or how small my thigh were but they were merely momental.

I couldn’t think clearly anymore, couldn’t work long hours shifts. I kept losing things, missing deadlines, disappointing myself, and I went to my breaking point when I left my whole freaking bag in the bus(which has my MacBook) on it cause I was too out of touch with this world, and 4 days later, I lost my phone in the beach. It got buried under the sand, and even with find my iPhone, I couldn’t exactly locate it. All this hurt so bad that I started eating again. I think I have always deeply hated myself and that I didn’t deserve good things. But after so many events happening one after another, it was so hurtful and traumatic that I felt like I deserved food.

I pitied myself. I let myself eat all the foods I hadn’t had in months. I needed energy to find a new job, being able to work, manage my life and earn back the money to pay my uni fees and buy a new phone. It was freeing first. But it slowly turned into binges. I didn’t like the fact I was gaining weight, so I ate more to hide from that uncomfortable feeling. From 44kg(98lbs) my lowest, I got up to 54kg in a month (120lbs). Honestly, I love eating whatever I want and I admit I have more energy and dignity but that’s because I avoid mirrors or reflection. As long as I don’t see my big face or acknowledge my belly fat or thigh, I feel amazing. I feel motivated and determined. I have goals in life now, but if I can’t come to the term with the truth that I have gained weight, and can’t look at myself anymore, isn’t it just as bad. The momentary happiness I used to get from seeing myself smaller has transitioned to the happiness I get while eating. Other than that, I feel sick cause I can’t believe my body has changed. It’s so simple but I am in denial. In denial that all those pizzas, good meals have made me gain weight. Isn’t that stupid of me? I want the energy it gives me, I want the taste, I want the freedom of not having to read every labels, ingredients, portion but act surprised when I gain weight.

Anyways, the point is I am gonna go on a diet again cause I did try out moderation, portion control, all food fits rules but I don’t seem to be losing weight this way. If I only love myself until I don’t acknowledge my reflection, is it not just denial? It’s almost the same as when I was in the other end of things. I just went from one disordered pattern to another.

I tried being healthy and adapt better mindset but I failed countless times and that too miserably. I can’t afford a healthier, stable mindset right now.

So if I have to choose between under-eating or binging, I will choose under eating. They are basically the same. They have almost equal number of pros and cons.

[sonicfandompolls]

Info and Rules

(There's ways to give more input on a poll than a vote and even a section on ways I made this blog more accessible!)

Ever had a question you wanted to ask the Sonic fandom? Want to answer some Sonic fandom related questions? Or maybe you'd even like to contribute to some poll answers?

Well if you're interested in any of the above, then this blog is the place for you!

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Posting Schedule: To be honest, there is no set schedule. I'll try my best to regularly post polls but there are no guarantees. My goal is to at least get one out once within a week/7 days.

Deadline Schedule: Polls will always be open for a week. Input polls have no set deadline besides one day.

My main account and things I do/post there (Note: I feel bad about promoting myself but I just think it'd be nice to have more interaction. And, uh, hey, maybe you'll be interested in some of it...?)

Main account: @cattyanon

What I typically post: Stuff about Sonic, my Sonic AUs, and the occasional link to a Sonic fic on Ao3 by same username as my main.

What I typically reblog: Sonic stuff, Sonic AUs, things I find funny or cute.

Warnings that I know I have: Gore, body horror, and (probably) other horror related stuff. (Note: If you find anything that needs a trigger warning tag, please tell me/link me the post so I can fix it)

Tags and their meanings (Note: From most self explanatory to least self explanatory)

Info post: The tag to find the two Info and Rules posts. The second on being a mostly colorless variation of the original one.

Poll results: The results of poll, as promised.

My poll: A poll that's something I came up with.

Submission poll: A poll that's something I didnt come up with.

Polls: A tag for all of the polls

Poll input: Where I showcase a potential poll and some answers where people can reccomend answers.

There's also just some general tags like: Sonic, character names, Sonic prime spoilers, and things like that.

[bubsub69]

Entry 10

4/6/2023 00:13

happy entry number ten, just kinda procrastinating studying for internet security.

I used one of the starters, if she found any of the ads and unfortunately she said she hasnt but said she's looking which i guess shows that she still cares about me but my anxiety wont let me believe it, ive tried talking to a couple more people on femdompersonals but i havent gotten any replies, even if i wanted to move on from her its kinda hard since no one else gives a fuck about me, whats annoying is that i "can't" make an ad myself on it because she could see it and i dont want anything that could risk this at all, and its not like im missing much, when i posted it i got 2 replies, her and someone who i skypped with who got bored of me and never talked with me again, i didnt either to be fair but yeah, though even if its just 2 people seeing those notifications felt really fucking nice, and seeing someone that opened as a human being and seemed to show actual care would be a nice feeling to repeat, but yeah i dont want to risk her seeing my post in case she follows me.

I don't know what else to write i just want to not study security but its only like 1 more week then working on the project so i just gonna push through for a bit more..

I'm getting really attention starved, just seeing a notification that i think is from someone but turns out to be an auto message absolutely crushes me, i just wish she talked to me, what do i have to do to get that, try to drop a mistery? tell her of something that im gonna do in the future? i'd just like to look at my phone for once and see a notification from her out of nowhere, but i guess i have nothing interesting going on for her to want to talk with me.

She also posted on twitter, cant belive its been only a week since she made it it feels like i've checked that thing for a month, time can really move weird, school deadlines are coming in super quickly and yet trying to wait my being annoying cooldown to talk with her seems to take forever, but yeah she posted 2 memes on the 30th which surprised me cause apparently i spent 2 days without checking it but she also complained about not being used to kilos and i replied with a little joke to it, no response from there either and that was like 2 days ago but i guess theres really no big reason to answer me there, and she might not even know it was me who commented that.

but hey at least stalking her twitter gave me another small topic to talk, unit problems, maybe itll go well with asking how her portuguese is doing

but yeah another day another 24h of trying to get her to talk to me, maybe i should just go all in and ask her if she wants to hear my boy moans since she considers that erotica inspiration, i should probably also hear more of her audios just to try and get some more starters out of it if i can push through the crushing loneliness i get from hearing it, but i guess i should wait for the important deadlines to be over to do it.

Heres to hoping she starts a conversation of literally anything, even if its to tell me to go fuck myself so i can completely move one guilt free and with a crushed soul and 3 liters of tears lost.

Oh also that ace thing kinda of faded away on day 3, she's not completely gone but not really been showing up, neither has the bad one either so thats good i guess.

pls fucking text me

[immaculating]

I'm so sorry for putting Tumblr back in its peak era, but i have to.

For me, at least. But maybe you can take something from this too.

We all went through something super dramatic and came out different in one way or another. Some people changed for the better, some people for the worst. A lot of people cam out of the COVID-19 pandemic with more social anxiety or experienced it for the first time (like me). Most of us sat and continue to occupy positions today which provide us with challenges and impact our day-to-day in unfavorable ways.

As I sit here writing this, I have a million other things I need to be doing--but I'm so tired. Physically tired--sleep deprived to the point where it's not even funny, mentally drained and exhausted. I've fallen behind in so many tasks and assignments. Yet, sometimes we have to be the person who allows ourselves to take a break and express our thoughts and articulate our emotions when no one else will. When the world is not giving you the kindness and consideration that you deserve, make sure to make time and space for yourself. Writing this will probably make my thoughts a lot clearer (well, I'm sleep deprived again, so maybe moreso...less cluttered). I just feel like so many thoughts are hanging over my head in a cloud that I don't have time to think about. But in the long run, really, it makes everything harder to navigate.

If you take anything away from this, give yourself the 5 minutes and a much needed break to do what you need to do for yourself, like I am doing now.

I transferred to a new university away from my hometown, a passion that I loved, a community that I loved to do my passion with, and almost everyone I knew. I've been in undergrad for damn near long enough to have (maybe) my graduates. I'm supposed to finally graduate this quarter.

But I'm just so tired...and anxious, and depressed. I know that it's much better to talk to a professional about this but I'm not able to right now. I work 20 hours per week, and go to school more than full time since my advisors pushed me to graduate earlier than everyone else I know graduating for no specific reason. One day, I was sitting in class an my heart rate on my watch rose to 155BPM--i wasn't doing anything, I was just sitting there anxious. I thought I was having a heart attack and drove to the hospital, staying overnight.

Anxiety is never something I've had to face in my day-to-day which impacts it at that level before. After COVID, however, I am anxious in all social situations and especially in an unfamiliar community (still fairly new to me because of the stay-at-home orders, remember?) This was supposed to be my last hurrah at a university experience after years of working through community college to transfer. And I moved away from everyone and everything I loved to sit in my room for two fucking years, gaining health problems and mental problems I didn't know would be popping up now after society has been opened back up for awhile.

And yet here I am when it matters most. The one class that is required specifically for graduation--I wrote the wrong deadline down. I'm embarrassed and scared to email my professor about it. I've had to meet with my other professors, too, about missing work and falling behind. Even in work I'm behind on work. I feel so bad but I genuinely felt like my birthday, two days ago, was too much for me to think about let alone celebrate--how do i pull myself out of this? how do i not blame myself? i have severe adhd impairment and because of my newfound anxiety heart rate, cannot take my medication without precaution. everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong. and i'm so depressed.

i know this sounds like it went from maybe inspirational to a lot of whining, but honestly, i just need space to vocalize and vent. i don't know who else to talk to. i haven't made any friends since I've transferred.

anyway, i have to go try to tackle the never ending workload that i have in lieu of the past-due dates that are glaring at me at all times in my mind.

if you, too, are struggling friend--know that you're not alone. thanks for reading this far into my first (albeit mundane) post. I'll try to update the situation as it unfolds.

wish me luck, we'll make it through this. this too shall pass.

-the immaculator

[vamptastic]

been starting to realize that ive been doing Real Bad for a Real Long time and it's a bit scary. ive upped my antidepressants which should help in a couple weeks (and them starting to wear off is probably what caused the depressive spiral, tbh). and honestly just knowing what's going on and being able to take active steps to fix it instead of feeling like ive just suddenly lost my ability to be a whole human person is helpful.

but god it's so scary that i was like that for months and didn't really notice. i mean, obviously i knew things were bad, but i was really attributing it to a personal inability to keep up with the expectations around me and not realizing i was mostly struggling so much because my mental health had tanked. i managed to scrape my way out of this one without crazy longterm damage, beyond worrying some teachers, missing the early application deadlines for a couple schools, and overall reinforcing the idea that i am unwell and not to be trusted with my parents, but it's very demoralizing to know that even though i work very hard when i'm able to there will probably always be periods in my life when my depression impedes me from amount of work expected of a normal human being.

i mean, i'm still in high school, and i couldn't keep up with just coming to school every day and keeping up with classwork. i'm not saying this makes me a terrible person, contributing to society isn't what gives someone worth, but i know i'm capable of more without this setback and it's frustrating.

just, i don't know what i'm going to do once i live on my own. having people around me who can look at me and say 'hey man you are clearly going through some shit take it easy' is the only way i can snap out of episodes like these thus far. ive been looking forward to college and feeling like my life and time is going towards a meaningful purpose for so long and i am going to be so, so upset if i fuck it up.

it just hurts having high expectations put on me, i guess. i don't want go on a litany of gifted kid woes or whatever but i am very intellectually intelligent and adults have looked at that and assumed i must succeed and if i'm not i'm not trying hard enough. it's great when i do achieve something big and i get to fulfill those expectations but i just don't know if i can, in the long term.

i struggle with such basic parts of being a functional adult. and i know my parents and teachers do just want me to be happy and don't care if i don't end up where they thought i would, but it just always feels like there's this better version of me out there if i could just stop missing school and stop procrastinating and really apply myself. but when i DO apply myself i quickly burn out and enter another destructive spiral.

there's not really a point to this, i guess. just that i want to succeed and i don't want to fuck it all up for myself because my brain tells me it doesn't matter for a few months. it does, when i'm not depressed i do care, so so so much, and i hate having to fight myself for what i want.

[beanmom]

Whole lotta shit happening right now, gonna dump it all out in a pile just because I have nowhere else to talk about it, even in bulleted list form lol.  In no order so please gawd can I avoid making myself guilty about not ranking the “worst” ones first...

Gish this week. I’m captaining my team (as I have every year since 2016) but have only personally completed one item so far. I never do a lot but I usually do more than that, but the list this year has not really grabbed me. *shrug* I don’t feel bad about that but it’s still a little disappointing. I’m helping everyone else, though, in various supportive ways, which is really the heart of Gish for me, but it’s tiring when I’m already tired.

Crazy shit at work this week, where they begged me to work some hours even though I had specifically taken off time for Gish and other stuff. There was this big special project that needed to be completed this week, and when they asked they made me feel like they wanted my help because they respected my expertise with the task. Then every shift I worked, they didn’t use me for the special project, just had me do my regular tasks. I’d never have agreed to come in on my approved days off just to do my regular work, but they tricked me (probably not intentionally), and I’m sooo bitter about it. Learned what “quiet quitting” is today and am resonating.

Found out yesterday that someone who was my dearest closest bestest best friend from like 1996 to about 2016 passed away suddenly on Monday. She was 48, leaves two kids 24 & 22. We’d drifted away from each other in the past few years, not in any kind of rancorous way. There was always still love between us, but it became “too overwhelmed with my own shit to talk to you but I love you” as the only contact we’d have, once a year or so. Feeling numb about that.

Driving 4 hours roundtrip today to drop my 20 yo daughter at the airport for another multi-month multi-country trip overseas to stay with her boyfriend. She’s frequently harsh, generally cold to me when she’s here, but still I will miss her. Being an empty nester is very lonely when your marriage is a husk.

My 24 yo is struggling a lot these days. They need a med check but don’t have the spoons to make an appointment with a doctor. Their health is a little so-so. Money is a little tight. Work is draining. Deadlines are scary. Their car needs some work. Gish is a challenge when your energy is already low. Their girlfriend is going through it, mentally and physically. There’s just a lot of stress, and their default response to stress is to pass it immediately on to me. So I get constant liveblogs of whatever’s going wrong in their life, from tiny problems to massive disasters, and the weight of it is crushing me. If I try to say “please stop telling me every tiny thing that’s bothering you because it’s killing me” their anxiety will interpret that as “don’t talk to me any more, I hate you” so I just have to keep taking it.

It’s hot hot hot here, and so humid that the carpets are giving up every bad smell they’ve ever absorbed, and the sheets feel damp when I lay down at night. I’m going through menopause right now, and for the most part it’s been, and continues to be, really super manageable. But the weather has induced me into basically a three-week-long hot flash (well, three weeks so far) and I’m just so sick of feeling like my hair is combusting!!

Million other tiny things, just the regular background hum of life’s frustrations. There’s just an intersection of the biggies above right now that is making that background hum feel like a jackhammer between my shoulderblades.

[kentucky-daisey]

We have application based programs for teens where I work, meaning anyone who wants to do them, has to submit a form, a portfolio, and a letter of intent. There are even submission guidelines. I’m the one who collates them and gets them to their respective jury and then contacts the kids once we’ve decided who has been accepted.

Now, I consider myself a nice person. If something is missing or something is in the wrong format, I will contact the applicant to let them know, so long as the jury hasn’t met. I’m happy to do it. They’re kids and some of them haven’t applied to anything before and need a little guidance. I’ve even accepted late applications, again, so long as the jury hasn’t met. 

But once the jury has met? It’s done. We accept the people we accept and the rest are given feedback and directed to programs that they are either better suited for or will help strengthen their work. 

Four of these programs are scholarship programs, meaning they are fully paid for by donors and are run jointly with a community partner. Because of these things, they have limited space. Currently? Ten kids, though this year we’re accepted up to twelve for one of them. So, once those kids have been accepted and registered, that’s it. The cohort is set and we move forward with the program.

This year, we had a kid who applied, but wrote the wrong email address, so we never received his application. We only found out afterwards when a kid who had been accepted asked if his friend had got in and mentioned that his friend was still waiting for a response. I ended up speaking with both kids (they’re each 16 years old) parents and the parent of the kid who messed up kept asking if there was any way we might make an exception and let him in late.

I said no.

My coworker, though not outright, disagreed. He’s of the mindset that we should give everyone an equal opportunity and that, just because the kid messed up, he shouldn’t lose out on something because of it.

I also think everyone deserves an equal opportunity and, as such, didn’t couldn’t accept him. Why? He didn’t apply on time and even though his mom resent me his application, the other kids who had been accepted (and whose work we received on time and went through the jury process) had been formally enrolled, meaning the class is full. If I’m giving everyone an equal opportunity, I cannot in good conscience accept a student without him going through the jury process. Which had already happened. And considering how hard it was to get everyone together the first time, and know that three of the six people of said jury were on vacation, it was not possible for me to get everyone together to review this one kid’s work. 

I feel bad, I do, but my coworker has never worked in student services, has never heard the endless barrage of excuses and work arounds parents try to get their kids into things outside of their age range, after the deadline, etc. There are other camps the kid can apply to and bursaries, if money is an issue. Equal opportunity is not bending the rules for one kid. Equal opportunity is making sure everyone follows the same rules, the same guidelines, the same process. The kids are selected on merit and we look at all the applicants together to make sure that not only are the kids ready for the program, but that the cohort is balance and cohesive, that it makes sense. There are a million factors at play. A refuse to bend the rules for a kid who got to be in the cohort of another one of our programs three years in a row, the last two of which involved nothing more than a “oh, I like that kid” and that was it. 

Everyone makes mistakes, things happen, his mother even said she was trying to get him to do things on his own more. Which means it was on him that he messed up. And you know what? Good! This will be a learning experience. Checking your work, following up to make sure your application has been received. Checking your spam folder just in case the failure to deliver message went there instead of you inbox.

The point of these programs is to give as many kids from as many different backgrounds and experiences as many opportunities in the arts as possible. We don’t just look at the portfolios, we look at the kids’ letters, we look at where the kids are coming from, if they’ve attended classes with us before, if they have access to programs like us in their communities. We spend a substantial amount of time discussing each applicant and make sure we are making the right choice for not just us, but for them, and making sure that we are giving opportunities to those who not only deserve it, but would benefit from it and, in some cases, need it. 

These programs are part of what makes my job great. And I will make exceptions, up to a certain point, if it means giving someone a better chance at accessing one of them. But there is only so far we can go.

Everyone makes mistakes. Learning from it, grow, and recognize that just because one group of people has spent three years blowing smoke up your ass, doesn’t mean you’ll get the same treatment elsewhere, no matter how politely you ask.