#tumblr can you function properly for once. goddamn

[proseka-card-hcs]

oh good god tumblr was not giving me any notifications what the hell. I'm so sorry guys I'll answer the asks in the inbox as soon as I go on break, in the meantime if y'all do want to submit anything else I'll get to it then also I'm so sorry

[denbroughism]

━━  𝐅𝐀𝐍𝐅𝐈𝐂 𝐌𝐀𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐋𝐈𝐒𝐓

It’s Lilia Barber ( @jaedenphy​ ) day and guess who’s making a fanfic masterlist for her?? That’s right, me! Okay, so I gathered together a bunch of fics I’ve read and considering that you’ve read the fics I sent you, some of these fics you’ve read before but are still godly. List under the cut for length purposes <3

My comments and reviews may contain spoilers and the ones without a specific chapter count are one-shots :)

The way making this masterlist made me reread the fuck out of so many fics smh

LAST UPDATED: 1 August 2020

Bill Denbrough / Richie Tozier

"Game Over, Bitch” by sweetpeacheddie | General

Richie plans a surprise date with Bill, but it doesn't quite go according to plan...

MY COMMENTS: smug Bill? yes. the Bill in this fic made me grin like an idiot just from how sneaky and attractive this little piece of shit is. Richie being soft and scared about Bill not having a good time is so adorable and the way Bill used it against him made me go jsjjdjsjd

Twister by @antisociallilbrat | Teen

Fluffiness, tongue twisters, and making out

MY COMMENTS: it’s short but still adorable idc idc. fics about love interests helping Bill with tongue twisters is adorable in itself and the flirting and the teasing in this fic made me scream from how cute they are pls

The Cruel Irony of Sunshine by @theflirtmeister​ | Teen

That’s when Richie spots him.

Leaning against one of the ridiculous fake palm trees, clearly not listening to the conversation he’s caught in, is Bill Denbrough in the fucking flesh. Richie could have picked him out from a hundred yards away, with his floppy hair, perfect eyebrows and jawline that could cut crystal.

Richie hates everything about him.

MY COMMENTS: the reason why i want to write bichie fanfics. the amount of angst and fluff mixed with longing and pining is godtier. the way they fell apart because of a fight and the first thing they do when they meet—after pining and longing mixed with anger—is fight made me cry :’)

Disciplinary Action by Apuzzlingprince | Explicit

He simply sat down on the end of Bill’s bed and patted a knee. Bill stared at him, uncomprehending.

“Bill,” said Richie, gesturing for him to come closer. “Pants down, over my knees.”

Bill balked. “Wait, s-seriously?”

Bill does something stupid and reaps the reward.

MY COMMENTS: i don’t think i’ve sent you this one because i remember i read it on my laptop instead of my phone lmao. this fic is the definition of “i’ll make it up to you with sex” fics but holy fuck this one is good. i remember reading this a while ago and yelling internally because wow this fic is so jsjsj

Dissolve by @wonderwheelzier | Explicit

After eight years of radio silence, Bill Denbrough finds himself at the same Hollywood party as his once best friend, and his first and only love, Richie Tozier. As adolescent memories come flooding back, Bill has to decide what he wants to do with this second chance.

MY COMMENTS: first off, the author is a brilliant writer so let’s put that out. second of all, this fic is 17K words long so that’s really fun. third of all, what the fuck? this fic is amazing and so well written, honestly. the way the pining and the smut were tied together wonderfully just blows my mind. this is such a pretty fic and the way the story ends with Richie leaving and BIll knowing that there’s no going back? that shit HURTED

If Your Love Was Bad for You by @perceabeth​ | Teen

Prompt: angsty unrequited type of situation with a happy and/or bittersweet ending.

MY COMMENTS: i gotta be real with you, i forgot about this fic whoops. but i read the last paragraph and i started heaving. i love this fic but i forgot the title and the way this fic started jsjfjsjf this fic is ends in a bittersweet tone holy fuck. the account on AO3 is an orphaned account, but i found the tumblr user of the author so here ya go

Soulmate AU by @perceabeth​ | Major Character Death

n/a

MY COMMENTS: i still think of this fic to this very day, this fic is the reason why i hate soulmate AUs oh my God. Richie and Bill’s dynamic isn’t too laid out in this fic, but the ending? God, the ending—absolutely wrecked me. I cried and I screamed and I couldn’t function properly after reading this fic. It’s one of the best fics I’ve ever read and deserves all the love you can give. I love this fic, I adore it, read it.

One Week Away by @trash-the-tozier | Teen | 2/2

School is out for spring break, and the Losers are taking a week long trip to visit Beverly in Portland. Could there have been a worse time for Richie to realize that he was in love with his best friend?

MY COMMENTS: I remember sending this to you but reread it. this fic is so soft and adorable my babies istg. Richie pining for Bill while Bill tried to stay away from Richie because he has a crush on him? God-tier trope. Put it in, roll it up, give it to me. The Stanlon in the background and Bev being the cheerleader she is? i love this

What We Built by @sinningtozier​ | Teen

each nail, each plank, the little scratches on the walls and the sloppily carved initials were a testament to them, a testament to their love and what they built.

MY COMMENTS: Soft boys in love that is all. The connections between kisses and hugs and the tears and pain was just adorable. Bill and Richie always being there for each other makes me smile and cry oh my God

Blood Brothers by @fairyling​ | General

bill and richie don’t say they’re dating but they kiss and they fight. their relationship isn’t one that the other’s understand or event try to.

MY COMMENTS: i read this fic once and i still cry about it <3 it’s just a really soft and adorable fic but then the ending made me scream and cry oh my God. Blood Brothers. The way Bill remembers vaguely even as all else fades away just hits hard. i love this fic so damn much and i think you would too

Eye On the Ball by @call-me-eds​ | Mature

Bill tries to cope with his role in his friend group and Richie can’t stand it.

MY COMMENTS: first of all, everyone say thank you to them for making Bichie Week and making fic hunting a gazillion times easier. Second, this fic is amazing i don’t care. the way Bill is so tight and Richie is trying to loosen him up is a concept that would first come to mind when you think of Bichie, but somehow I’ve rarely seen this put to work. This fic is amazing that is all

The Math Tutor by @sinningtozier​ | General | headcanon

georgie needs a math tutor, bill’s strong point is english not math, so his mom hire’s her coworkers son to tutor him three times a week 

MY COMMENTS: look, i know this is a headcanon but lol i love this so much. Bill is so awkward around Richie and i find that hilarious omfg

Like I Do by @thegreatwhiteferret​ | Explicit

Richie is feeling down on himself because of his ADHD and Bill jumps in and tries to teach him to appreciate all of his flaws for how beautiful they are.

MY COMMENTS: I’ve always been a sucker for Richie’s ADHD going feral and his s/o helping him calm down. This fic covers that part along with smut so bonus points on that

Bill Denbrough / Stanley Uris

Ain’t Eez-Eh by simplerplease | Mature | 17/17

Bill gets drunk, texts a number written on the club bathroom wall, regrets it, then falls in love.

MY COMMENTS: deadass the first thing that comes to my mind when anyone says Stenbrough. this fic is iconic and god-tier. I’ve read this a few times and I love it :’) if you haven’t read this fic... wow alright, cool. read it.

All My Little Words by jojenstarked | Teen

Stanley Uris never considered himself a jealous person. That is, until he met Bill Denbrough and suddenly he was jealous of the person getting songs stuck in his head.

Bill Denbrough had always wanted to meet his soulmate. Then he met Stanley Uris and he forgot all about them. All he wanted to do was get him to love him back.

Good thing they're soulmates.

MY COMMENTS: this fic is so adorable and so soft holy fuck i remember crying a bit after reading this from how sweet this fic is, i love this fic sm

More Like Baerista, Am I Right? by @billdensbrough​  | Not Rated

In which Stan is a fake black coffee drinker, Bill really shouldn't be a barista, and the rest of the losers just want them to get together without a counter in-between them.

MY COMMENTS: First off, this fic is 10K words long and contains slow-burn and a lot of pining so there’s that. Other than that, it’s really soft, adorable and fluffy. It’s just a really adorable stenbrough coffee shop AU, truly one of the best coffee shop AUs

Richie Tozier / Stanley Uris

Untouched (Need You So Much) by breathplayed | Explicit | 9/?

Stan Uris could’ve gone his entire life without knowing what Richie Tozier’s dick looked like.

(Or, Richie has a big dick and Stan the Man has a Big Crisis.)

MY COMMENTS: this is the abandoned fic i cried about the other day omfg i can’t believe i started an unfinished fic :’) but either way, this fic is so sexy and hot holy fuck, the pining, everything is godly. Richie singing a song for Stan and Stan being awkward about it?? amazing. last updated in 2018 and ends with a sort of cliffhanger, but still—

Stan My Man! Series by @birdboyinthedeadlights​ | Explicit | 4/4

n/a

MY COMMENTS: bitch you thought i wouldn’t add this fic on this masterlist when it’s the definition of goddamn iconic. you really thought i was going to leave the fic that pushed us both into the Stozier hole? as if. the was the Stozier friendship and dynamic is laid out is wonderful. The banters and the snark along with the lovely fondness is tied perfectly. i love this, you love this, we all love this, i’m dragging you back into the Stan My Man! series hole, you’re welcome <3

I Wanna Hold You Like You’re Mine by @birdboyinthedeadlights​ | Explicit

Stan's hand was moving before he could think better of it, wanting to touch the pleated navy skirt in front of him. God, it looked so soft, it must feel amazing. The whispered drag across his thighs -

“What’re you doin’?”

Stan’s hand froze, looking up at Richie’s unfocused gaze. No aide of glasses to let him see Stan’s heating face in the low light.

“Nothing.”

Richie’s eyes squinted, trying to make out the shapes around him until he looked to where Stan’s hand still hovered. The small inhale and grin let Stan know he didn’t need his vision clear to figure out what was going on. He always did know Stan too well.

“You’d look pretty in that.”

MY COMMENTS: Hello, yes, the author is so great at writing Stozier fics oh my God. The intimacy, the relationship, the pining, the need. Everything about this fic is brilliant. The way Stan wants Richie’s love and Richie wants to give Stan love but they’re both so afraid, so nervous. God, the way they dance around each other and when it’s time to take a dip, they were both to scared. Oh God, I love them so much and this fic ties the intimacy of pining and the ‘friends-with-benefits’ line so well, so perfectly. The mirroring between past and present? I love this and the author is a genius.

I Need You by @childrenofthe80s​ | Teen

Richie Tozier was a mix of emotions. He was absolutely miserable and it was all because of a motherfucking named Stan.

MY COMMENTS: the way the insecurity trope is flipped to Stan being insecure and Richie holding onto him and comforting him just makes me so soft oh my Lord

The Truth is That I Think I’ve Had Enough by @eddieeatsass​ | Explicit

For the first time since Stan developed feelings for his best friend, Richie was finally single on Valentine’s Day, and Stan was fully planning on taking advantage of it. He invited Richie on a camping trip, just wanting one night where he could pretend, but Richie had different plans.

MY COMMENTS: Yo, do you remember this iconic fic? Because I sure as hell do. The camping mixed with the repressed feeling and Richie slamming his head on the tent cover when he tried to strip? Amazing

why not me? by seeingredfics | Mature | 1/?

everything between stan and richie was supposed to be platonic, especially their secret hook-ups and longing stares.

MY COMMENTS: This is unfinished but even the first chapter has a satisfying end to it. Richie is so soft for Stan, Lord Christ and wasted!Stan gives off second-hand embarrassment like no other. But other than that, it’s amazing.

I Guess That's Love by @birdboyinthedeadlights | explicit

Stan shook as Richie held him.

Richie was used to this - used to the damaged boy with his fractured face and shattered soul. Used to playing clean up to his meltdowns and sitting with him through his dissociations. Richie knew he was a burden, wouldn’t ever say it, but Stan knew.

Stan was tired of knowing.

MY COMMENTS: I don't think this author can even write a bad stozier fic, this is so good as well tf? The angst is so wonderfully done and put together with a Stan Uris who's trying his best just mames it perfect

Bill Denbrough / Richie Tozier / Stanley Uris

Not Complete Until There’s Three by @thoughtfullyyoungduck | Not Rated

Mike’s call brings back some memories for Stan, more specifically memories about Stan and Richie. Stan is in for a rough awakening when he comes back to Derry and finds out Richie and Bill are married.

MY COMMENTS: see my reaction here :’) but other than the angst from Stan’s half, the fic is godtier. There isn’t much Stenbroughzier fics out there, but this one is so satisfying and the way everything falls together was simply perfect.

Sk8er Boi by @s-s-georgie | Teen

Stan and Richie are dating. It sucks that Bill likes both of them.

MY COMMENTS: Honestly the first Stenbroughzier fic I’ve ever read. This fic dragged me into the Stenbroughzier mess I’m now dragging you into, but holy fuck. This fic is really adorable and the pining—the lovely, lovely pining. It’s so soft and adorable aside the slight angst that is all

To Make You Feel My Love by @thegreatwhiteferret | Explicit

Stan takes care of his very neglected boys.

MY COMMENTS: i remember finding this fic and falling in love with it immediately. i know it’s on Tumblr somewhere, but I can’t find the author’s Tumblr (if you know, please respond so I can change it) and this fic covers the intimacy and the worry along with the love and fondness. Really cute, really smutty, threesome warning.

Happy Birthday, Mr. Uris by @thegreatwhiteferret​ | Explicit

Stan is always taking care of his boys and making sure they feel loved, so for his birthday Bill and Richie decide to show him how much they love and appreciate him by fulfilling his biggest fantasy.

MY COMMENTS: This is the second part to this series but it’s optional to read the first one. If you read this in order of the list, then you’ve read the first part lmao. 

Soulmate Tattoos AU by @peachyuris​ | Not Rated

stenbroughzier w/ soulmate tattoos!!

MY COMMENTS: The amount of pining here? Godly. Bill misunderstanding the situation? Stan and Richie feeling like something’s missing? I love this, I love them and I know you’ll love it too.

Milkshake Date by @winterstenbrough | Not Rated

stenbroughzier milkshake/diner date?

MY COMMENTS: Insecure!Richie is something used a lot, but never fails to warm my heart whenever his significant other(s) help him out. This fic also covers that aspect and is really soft, babies

[meta-squash]

i’m having a “not enough time or functioning brain in life to read all the things i want to read and reread” moment and it’s quite paralytic rather than jumpstarting

maybe the jumpstart will come later

wish i had my old shakespeare anthologies with me here in wa but they’re in ca and i think they might actually belong to my parents anyway

there are at least a dozen books i want to order right now and literally like over 600 unread books on my reading list and a lot of unread books on my shelves that i already own

i don’t know i mean the last time i had this existential crisis type thing i read a bunch of books at once but also in 2019 i read 60 books and i wasn’t having a crisis so idk what’s better

i mean i’m unemployed because fuck covid layoffs so technically i should have a ton of time to read stuff but the problem isn’t the time it’s the “time” my stupid depressed adhd unmedicated brain deems clear enough for reading vs all the rest of the time which is muddled and muzzy and full of staring at stupid shit and taking in nothing

really i should just get some fucking adhd meds (also i need my eyes checked because haven’t done that in a long time and i can tell my right one is not 20/20 anymore) but going to a doctor in the middle of the pandemic for something that can wait seems a bit silly even if it’s real shitty in my brain

i could be writing all this in my notebook by hand but i type nearly as fast as i think and if i handwrote this that fast it would be even more illegible than it already is

but back to the crisis i don’t know i mean i just want to read all this stuff but also i want to start writing and working on art again and i took a break from my les mis collage for all of december and i should really get back to it because i’ve only done like 102 pieces i think. but like when you’re adhd you don’t have 24 hours in a day or 18 hours or whatever it is you either have like....4 hours or you have like 72 hours there is no in between you’re either barely able to work on anything or it’s like gogogogogo for a lot a long time in a row

maybe i’ll be back to gogogo when it’s not dark and fucking cold out it’s the one thing i don’t like about the pnw is how goddamn long the winters are although i’ve lived here 7 years now i should be used to it

but idk i was reading the albion forum archive and something in it reminded me of a quote i saw in a different book (atrocity exhibition, which i haven’t read in years) so i went to go find the quote and then i was sitting there on the floor in front of my bookshelf thinking about how i wanted to reread atrocity exhibition but i also want to reread a season in hell and i want to reread nightwood and people of paper and harold’s end and as i lay dying and i want to properly read the entire divine comedy not just inferno and i want to read for the first time maurice and mad like artaud and skagboys and personae and notre dame de paris and ulysses and anxiety of influence and the thief’s journal and in the miso soup and the girl with the louding voice and off the wall and and and and

and at the beginning of last year right before covid hit or maybe in december 2019 i developed an asthma-like thing which i think is maybe stress induced or something idk (another go to the doctor thing ugh) that gets worse on my period idk why but it’s like i can breathe fine when it’s normal breathing but half the time when i go in for a nice deep breath it’s like the back of my throat won’t open wide enough or my chest muscles won’t let my lungs expand to the bottom or something and my brain kind of feels like that asthma like i want it to work properly so badly i want to be able to read books all day i want to be able to do art and write and stuff all day but every time i try to take a deep breath with my brain it won’t go all the way so i end up just shalllow breathing just watching stupid shit on my laptop all day and reading fanfiction (which is not worse than fiction-fiction but it’s different) and scrolling tumblr-twitter-facebook-loop when all i want to do is take some nice deep brain breaths and read like 6 books in a row or write some poems or short stories or do some collage art or take my camera out somewhere or something

[mootmuse]

i feel shitty because i can’t do anything. this isn’t new. no matter how much i talk about it it’s not going to change and the longer i go without being able to accomplish the simplest damn thing the heavier it gets. even if i’d been able to figure out signing up for my work’s insurance i’d be surprised if walmart covered therapy, and i can’t bring myself to sign up to hand over just any random person that amount of money out of my pocket just because some online profile on psychology . com or whatever says they’re good at what i need them to be good at. i don’t properly know what went wrong with my last attempt at therapy except that maybe the person just wasn’t good, because i DO have a problem that i need solved and the problem is that i can’t accomplish anything and fuck, maybe i DO just need a life coach like the first therapist told me but that’s the same problem! lots and lots of money for no guarantee, and i’d rather have a psychologist who focuses on why people might think like I think and what might be causing this. 

i want to do so many things. i want to do anything. i want to live. instead i’m just like, waiting to die except i don’t want to die either, i’m just here? i can’t handle any stress but i don’t actually do anything either so from the outside you couldn’t tell. i can’t even distract myself with hobbies or friend stuff because you need to do things to have interests that other people can engage in, otherwise friendships can’t form, and the reason i’m so miserable is that i can’t do hobbies. i started a couple fics but then the next day just couldn’t, COULDN”T make myself keep going and I hate this so much, and there’s just no end to it. not without therapy i can’t make myself sign up for. i asked on a couple sites if anyone had therapists that operate online that they could recommend, even if that woudl mean that therapist didn’t have specialties in the areas i’d need them to, but no one had any recommendations. 

i had a rare period of time of feeling hopeful yesterday, hopeful that i’d be able to clean my room out enough to make room for a new computer that might allow me to play games (distractions), if i could make myself do them, and which i might be able to buy a drawing tablet for and try to draw. but today i’m back to not seeing how it’s ever going to happen. i’ve chopped it up into as small, bite sized tasks as i can and i still don’t do it. 

even writing woudl be something, it’s the way i’ve gotten by for years because when i can’t do anything usually at least I can do that - and when i can’t it doesn’t last. but it’s lasting. i can’t do anything but be here and, on good days, scroll tumblr/pintrest and maybe find something interesting to listen to, and on bad days i can’t do even that bare minimum of distraction, and nothing is going to help. there is no way out that i can take. a person who didn’t have the problems i have would be able to get a therapist but if i could get one i wouldn’t need one. 

i can’t even make friends to distract myself. i said that before but it’s one of the worst things about this. i’ve been trying. i’ve been trying but there’s just nothing about me that people can engage with. not a single damn thing. 

i don’t know why i’m even here if i’m just going to never do anything for my whole life and then just die and disappear. it sucks. i started life out being like, okay, i’ll accomplish something in the course of my career, and then i was like well, that’s going to be a bust, how about i accomplish finding a close relationship to share my life with and that’s been a bust too, and then i scaled it down and went like, okay, i’ll find little hobbies to keep myself happy and that’s sort of falling apart now too. every single goal i set for myself, every attempt to scale my dreams down into something my useless malfunctioning ass can actually handle, fails. 

i’m just here in the first place because mom thought she could time her periods instead of using protection and she decided to have me because she’s an optimist, which was really fucking reckless of her. this is my airing my dirty little thoughts about myself, not a judgement about anyone else, but it’s so goddamned irresponsible to have children, especially if you KNOW mental issues run in your family. i didn’t want this. to be fair mom is more functional than me, she had no way to know i’d turn out as a useless lump, but i still resent it. i can’t even accomplish the smallest simplest version of any life goal i set myself and then one day i’m just going to die and stop existing and that will be it. 

i think sometimes about the things i’d do if i was a normal person who could accomplish anything at all, and one of those is a piece of art fantasy me would do. it’s dumb and melodramatic but this is the place for that. so it’d be me fastened to the ground, chained down to it, sinking into the mud while i watch everyone else fly. i read a tumblr post once that said that thought processes when you’re a kid come back like - if you’re depressed as a kid the thought patterns come back. i don’t remember the details of the post, the point is that in times of stress i find myself thinking, ‘i want to die’ even if intellectually i know for a fact that isn’t true, and i’ve been thinking it over and over and over and over and i’ve been trying to shake it for years but in times of stress - and the things i can’t do have been piling up and i am very very stressed - it comes back. it’s been coming back a lot. 

maybe part of the reason the first therapist thought i didn’t have problems was because i was happier when i was in therapy. i was happier because i thought i was going to get better. (that’s still no excuse for repeatedly telling me she didn’t know what to do with me. i was straight up with her about my problems and what i wanted to accomplish, not being able to figure that out or have any kind of plan to work on it is on her.) 

a weird thing about this is not knowing if i really can’t do something until i can’t. intellectually i know it’s easy. i know i’ve written fic before. i know i’ve rp-ed before. 

i might actually have to cancel the trip i said i’d take to visit dad. i might have to. i’ve never not been able to do something that big before, but i’m getting worse. i used to be able to handle important things, when it got down to the wire, and now i can’t. mom was helping me look at tickets one night and we couldn’t find anything good and i ran out of will to even watch her do it without any clear solution and said we’ll do this later and then the cat had kittens and we’re just not doing it and not doing it, and not taking that trip would be a real load off my shoulders. not that i’d be able to do anything with that load lightened - i couldn’t do anything before, and i won’t be able to after. but it would feel better. i’ve never let it go so long without getting tickets for a trip and asking for time off. 

i hope i’ll be able to write after this. the weird thing about being able to do nothing is that in your head, you really don’t know. it should be easy. it’s simple. look at me, i’m writing right now, even if it’s personal stuff that’s too long for any acquaintance (which is the only type of relationship i am capable of making) to be expected to read. i might cut some of this post down in hopes someone will read it, even though when i made it i told myself i wouldn’t care. what reason have i given anyone to have a personal stake in what’s going on with me anyway? not for lack of trying, but the fact is I just haven’t. 

i hope i’ll be able to write after this, but i’m really really scared i won’t be. it feels awful, not being able to do a damn thing but sit here and wait for something, anything, to lighten your life, knowing that anything is not going to happen because if it did it would have to come from you and you’re just not capable. 

how did i end up this way? how does any human person end up with all the skills in the world, all the opportunities most people could ever want, and be so COMPLETELY unable to act on any of them? i do think i’d be closer to functional if, by the time i was an adult and this was starting to surface in me, i’d had the kind of parent who had already taught me how to do basic life tasks so i’d have already formed habits for doing the basics that i’d need to do to at least sort of get by in life. but 99% of people don’t have parents who prepare them like that, I think. which is why I think most people shouldn’t have ever had kids. people are dumb. 

[attract-mode-collective]

Nothing Sez “Student Game” More Than The Dinosaur Evening News (that’s a good thing, btw)

The above is Mediazoic, which takes place in an alternate reality in which dinosaurs have come back to rule the earth and they've hired you, puny human, to make sure their televised broadcasts are dino family safe.

You moderate comments left on message boards, censor full frontal dino nudity, and so on. It's a student game alright, and one of my top picks from the NYU Game Center Student Showcase2018!

I was also fond of Dreams For Your Computer because CRTs, magnets, and cats...

... Here's what it looks like in action, btw.

Though the one game that I liked the most, and which would actually fare well on the marketplace, would have to be Static...

And honorable mention goes to an updated take on Flight Simulator, which recreates a 6 hour long commercial flight as a passenger...

... The best part was the look on Stephen Totilo's face, who kinda didn't get it.

When was the NYU thing btw? Over two weeks ago, and it’s been even longer since the last update. Sorry about that. You know the deal: a million, billion things going on. As usual.

Hence why it’ll take not just one, but two bursting at the seams posts, to cover the second half of May! So onto part one…  

Please, please, PLEASE let these Game Center CX Blu-rays have an English language option (via miki800.com)...

Not a day goes by in which I don’t wonder how that guy who appears in the instruction manual for Bomberman B-Daman is doing these days (via videogameartarchive & videogameartarchive)...

I really love the “are you for real?�� vibe that Samus gives off in the instructions for the original Famicom Disk System release of Metroid (via nintendometro)...

If you’ve ever wondered what a pair of bosses from Mega Man 9 & 10 would look like with 8’s 32-bit sheen, well here ya go (via mendelpalace)...

A print ad for the Famicom adaptation of Akira that wasn't all that hot (via videogameads)...

Though whenever anyone hears the words “Akira video game”, this is basically what immediately comes to mind. Anything else is a disappointment, no matter what (via aaronkraten)...

Welcome to the rabbit hole that is the Memorex VIS (via @ColinWilliamson)...

Is the soundtrack to some ultra-obscure home banking software for the Mega Drive worth a listen? You goddamn right it is (via mendelpalace)...

… The accompanying article is also totally worth a read.

It’s the Battletoads X Blue Swede mashup that you can’t believe hasn’t been done yet (via SiIvaGunner)...

Replace Link with myself & Navi with my iPhone, which I use as an alarm clock, and you have earlier this morning in a nutshell (via nintendometro)...

“So where you going?”

“Down a road. A low poly road…”

“Where you headed towards?”

“Whatever’s at the end of this street. This low poly street...”

“If you look up, what do you see?”

“Low poly buildings, under a low poly sky. Who knows, maybe there’s some low poly birds up there, behind those low poly clouds…” (via pmpkn)

From looking at low poly skies to soaring high above them, but what a difference an arcade board makes huh (via kazucrash)...

This is what Metal Max 2: ReLoaded on the DS looks like, at its normal resolution...

And this is what it looks with the resolution bumped up (via gaucheartist)...

Is this sprite of a BMX biker animated unusually well or am I just out of touch when it comes to 2600 software? Granted, it does come from a game made in 1989 (via segagenesisevangelion)…

According to the law: “NO JUMPING” (via vgadvisor)

“Hi guys.” (via beowulf-ultra)

Such a heartwarming scene (via @PicturesFoIder)...

This is what VR looked like many years ago, which is basically how it still looks today as well (via peazy86)...

It’s Yuji Horii, from way back in the day, presumably before he had created Dragon Quest (via videogamesdensetsu)...

Why yes, I have heard of the Ocelot Arcade System, by virtue of it being Quality Simon Carless content...

... BTW, “Quality content” is in reference to this. Moving on: yes, I've also heard of VecFever. It plays games that you might be familiar with, since it emulates old vector MAME titles...

Meanwhile, am only just learning that Tiger released their handhelds in Japan under the Game Vision label (via segacity)...

The Sega Dreamcast: it's thinking... about you, cuz it cares about you (via posthumanwanderings)...

"Wait… was he always there?" asks the official Sonic the Hedgehog Tumblr (via sonicthehedgehog)...

And the final nail in the coffin for this gag came courtesy of the official Sonic Tumblr as well (via sonicthehedgehog)...

"Good news everyone skyrim has been ported to the Bethesda offices carpet" 

"Who the fuck designed support pillars to obstruct a quarter of the hallway?" 

"Bethesda" (via mysteriouslypeculiar)

Yet another "it's funny cuz it's true" (via highlandvalley)...

So annoyed that I only find out about this Games Glorious shirt on the very last day of kylefewell‘s Japanese extrusion (via miki800.com)...

Not a fan of the game (don’t hate, I just don’t find it very enthralling), yet for whatever reason, I REALLY want this vintage Mappy sweatshirt (via namcomuseum)...

When video game attire looks plausible IRL (via @cvxfreak)...

Much like with regular attire, with cosplay, sometimes it’s all about the accessories (via frankiebalboa)...

Don’t think I’ve ever seen this piece of Marvel Super Heroes vs Street Fighter art before (via segacity)...

For those who dig POC, as well those who dig VF, and also those who dig FV... that last one's Fighting Vipers, BTW (via fightersmegamix)...

It’s a crying shame that Fighting Vipers is such an unknown commodity these days (via kazucrash)...

Virtua Fighter vs Virtua Fighter… Kid (via segacity)...

It’s a crying shame that Fighters Megamix is such an unknown commodity these days (via segacity)...

So hyped for RPG Time, based solely upon the headline image used for this 10 ten list of BitSummit games (via @indiegameweb)...

Please enjoy yet another thing that I originally posted on a Saturday late at night, whatever time it might on your end right this second (via contac)...

Been a while since I’ve seen the handiwork of Joe Bleeps, largely since it’s been a while since I’ve been collecting Game Culture Snapshots; the man has certainly stepped up his game (boy mods) since way back when (via kotaku.com)...

Am also very much impressed by the Game Boy Macro, though once again, am super irritated that GBA games do not rest flush with the DS Lite’s body...

An example of function over form I guess (@gamesyouloved)...

Familiar with Line Wobbler? Ever wished you could play it on the go? Are you into demakes? For the Game Boy Advance? (via @diskmem)

Today’s corrupted GBA boot up sequence is (via corruptionasart)...

Can anyone tell what Famicom game we’re seeing that’s all glitched out? (via mendelpalace)...

My fave part of this NES 2 print ad is how, in order to truly drive the message of “EVOLVE OR BECOME EXTINCT” home, whomever felt it necessary to include a little picture of a dinosaur (via nintendometro)...

Was this an ad for the SNES? I ask because it’s considerably more sophisticated when compared to what you usually encountered in gaming rags at the time (via nintendometro)...

This ad for the GoldStar version of the 3DO, hailing from Korea, makes me so proud to be (half) Korean, you have no idea (via notablegamebox)...

This Space Invaders tribute piece is like the cover art to some 80s heavy metal record (via shmups)...

Meanwhile, the album art for the Metal Black soundtrack feels more Pink Floyd-ish than anything else (via reportal)...

As amazing as it would have been to attend a ZUNTATA concert 20 years ago, I desperately wanted to see them perform various Darius cuts live just the other week (via miki800.com)...

This cover art for a tribute album celebrating 25 years of Mega Man is still quite good, 31 years after the fact (via rnn-draws)...

My recommended reading this time is a comparison of all the various Mega Man sprites that have been, including a few that you may not be familiar with (via retrovania-vgjunk.blogspot.com)...

Apparently there was a Mega Man boss that was part arcade machine, but he only appeared in some mobile game, for f's sake Capcom (via mendelpalace)...

Guess now’s a good time to share another random game canter pic (via gogopri)...

Pathos at the game center, even among Sailor Scouts (via funnysailorm00n)...

A pride & joy of my personal collection is both the original retail Japanese release of Jet Set Radio & the available via Sega Direct only edition: De La Jet Set Radio (via videogameartarchive & videogameartarchive)...

Here's an alternate take on it’s alternate cover star (via @Drooling_Demon)…

Putting together the necessary gear to properly grind the streets of Tokyo-to (via kiroziki-cosplay)...

JSR tales place in a fictionalized, idealized interpretation of Japan, whereas this gif is a very realistic take, yup (via dehtyar)...

Meanwhile and elsewhere, somewhere in the United States of America it would seem (via behexagusthegreat)...

There's still dinner time in the future (via kirokazepixel)...

My contribution to #WorldGothDay (via it8bit)…

From dark & dreary, to warm & fuzzy, yet still black & white (via this old post from a few years back)...

Old photos of a Japanese school kid obsessing over the Famicom are somewhat dime a dozen, but the PC Engine? A very rare treat (via gamingremembrance)...

From black & white photographs of Japanese 80s kids playing consoles, to a full color animated gif of US 80s kids at the arcade (via tvneon)...

Time to wrap things up by touching upon something that kept me awfully busy over the past few: Death By Audio Arcade X Dreamhouse II. Here's a rather mysterious image that appeared on the FB event page, and which was utilized in my promotional push...

... Did it work? You’ll have to find out in my part 2 of my Attract Mode X Tumblr: May 2018 recap! Due tomorrow. Maybe.

[doctorbee]

Bee makes an appearance and gives a life update (and then disappears again)

Hello.  It’s me.  I’m still alive.  I still barely ever get on tumblr.  My life is hectic.  But in case you were wondering, here’s a brief update on my life:

Continuing to work in autism research.  In September we were awarded one of 5 prestigious and huge NIH grants given nationally for autism research, in sum setting us up to launch 3 new research studies with about $12 million.  I am now the manager of 5 research studies.  Our new ones aim to understand and treat comorbid anxiety (using treatment plans specifically designed for autistic kids) and another to understand early brain growth and enlargement from a cell and molecular level to brain structure to behavior.  I continue to not talk about my work on social media much in part because the majority of cool stuff and cool people and kids I see is HIPAA protected.  I’m also crazy crazy crazy busy.  Oh also I told my primary boss a few months ago that I deserved a promotion and he and my two other bosses all wholeheartedly agreed and gave me both a title promotion and a 9.5% salary raise.  (This is so much different than grad school when my boss told me I was incapable and not smart.... Everyone here loves and supports me???  It’s cool.)

My dog is the love and joy of my life.  We’ve just completed 5 months of beginner obedience training (it’s a 1 month long class.... we just repeated it 5 times).  He’s improved so much over the past year that I’ve had him.  He still has some anxieties, but he’s really learning to be good and overcome his fears.  This month we will be starting intermediate obedience and next month we will start formal agility training.  This dog can fucking FLY so agility is going to be awesome.  He’s also the cutest dog in the world and is goofy and his tongue STILL doesn’t fit in his mouth.

Supergirl and I continue to be your favorite ginger femme lesbians.  She had a whole bunch of both mental and physical health problems over the past year but she’d been working really hard of recovery and I’m so goddamn proud of her, you would not believe.  She’s still far away but our ability to cope with long distance is decent and we continue to work on a plan to move her to California, hopefully sometime in 2018.  I visited her for New Years and Pennsylvania was fucking COLD AS HELL so next winter we really gotta get her out here.

If you followed along with Bee’s Family Hive at any point, just FYI, Munchkin is graduating high school this year... So that’s weird.  But she’s still awesome, just like weirdly grown up awesome.  Still like the size of a pinto bean though.  The rest of my family is mostly good, my brother is a disaster, etc, etc, etc.

My rent is increasing and it’s sparked a potential moving up of my life plans and while I originally planned to buy a house in 2020, I’m seriously looking into buying a house this year.  IT’S WEIRD AND ADULT.  I’m also planning to hopefully buy something that’s large enough for me to expand in so I can eventually round myself up some children.  (You guys, there are an estimated 600 queer kids in the foster system in my county so like... it’s totally reasonable for me to get a 600 bedroom house, right???  HI KIDS IT’S YOUR MOM BEE SHE’S INSANE BUT ALSO LOVES YOU A LOT.)

I’ve also been trying for the past 8 months to get an ADHD diagnosis.  As all of these demands at work continue to grow, a pattern of symptoms that I’ve been experiencing throughout my life has escalated.  (They’ve been escalating since high school, and particularly had an effect on my ability to function in grad school, but have always been overshadowed by either comorbid mental health issues like anxiety and depression or just masked by what my new therapist called “an abundance of compensatory mechanisms”.)  However, a mystery “they” of my health system keeps rejecting all my attempts to get properly assessed.  My therapist is on my side though and I’m going to keep working with her to see what we can do to get me help.  She did get me into an ADHD skills class that doesn’t require a diagnosis (loophole!) that starts next week so we’ll see how that goes.

As always, if you’re someone I’ve known for a while on tumblr and you want to stay in touch with me now that I’m not really around here, please please shoot me a message and I’ll give you my alternate contact.  (Also I do OPEN tumblr at least once a week, so like you can always still just message me here?)

[marcythewerewolf]

I was ignoring the drama for a while, but I do feel compelled to make a post about it just because people don’t seem to completely understand how polyamory works or what standards it should be held to, and they are using this misunderstanding to slander my very sweet babies Kieran and Mark and Cristina who are just trying their best in a very cruel world, as well as various others like Tessa and her boys. 

Polyamory is simply any relationship involving more than two people. It comes in so many forms! It can be multiple people all involved with one another, or a single person with multiple significant others in a closed relationship, or a couple or trio or larger group that invites other people into short term relationships with them. Sometimes polyamory is small, just three people. Sometimes it ends up as this huge network of love. 

Healthy polyamory is simply polyamory where everyone is consenting, happy, and comfortable with the relationship paradigm. That doesn’t mean it has to be all sunshine and roses, all romantic relationships have conflict. When you love someone you are always bound to have little fights and arguments and times when no one wants to do the dishes. Polyamory can come out of lots of different situations, just like monogamous romance can, because people react to stress in lots of different ways. There are lots of stories of situations that maybe wouldn’t be termed exactly “healthy” nevertheless resulting in relationships that made themselves functional and mutually safe despite that. Siblings marrying the same person is a theme through out global cultures. It probably wouldn’t pass Tumblr’s gross out meter, but nevertheless it is polyamory and depending on the situation it can be consenting, honest, and happy. At the end of the day as long as everyone is communicating, being honest and open, and not afraid to talk about their feelings, it’s all good. 

With that in mind, do Kieran, Mark, and Cristina have the potential to be a healthy polyamorous triad? Evidence would suggest yes. 

They all like each other. Cristina is increasingly fond of and protective of Kieran and Kieran sees Cristina as... not quite someone he loves but someone he enjoys being around, a beautiful stranger he increasingly trusts. At their best, they have fun together and take care of each other. They dance and laugh and smile. Regardless of sex (which is another matter, but they are all attracted to each other and interested in each other) they like spending time with one another. For Mark, Kieran is someone he cares for and a tie to his past, while Cristina is a fresh slate. They’re both peers he can be himself with, without fear of scaring his little brothers and sisters. Cristina sees both the young gentlemen as people she has a duty to, people she could help, and then once she gets past that, they’re people her age who don’t act like everyone else in her closed off Shadowhunter world. They’re nice to be around, they’re exciting, they’re interesting. She wants to help them and listen to them. Kieran sees Mark as his lifeline, the only person who has ever cared for him, while Cristina is someone he wants to see as a threat who has nevertheless been kind to him, and he puts a lot of stock in small kindnesses. 

They talk as well. Cristina and Mark open up to each other easily. Kieran and Mark have shared secrets in the past. Kieran and Cristina have a stunning amount of heart-to-hearts a week after meeting properly. When it comes to their feelings, it’s a share-a-palooza. 

The truth is trickier. Mark and Cristina lie to Kieran. Kieran acts selfishly to try to get Mark back. There is some overstepping of boundaries, some sniping, so erotic dream giving. That’s certainly not the best display of healthy affection, but under the stress these kids are under and given their ages I’d say it’s not too extreme either. It’s not right, but it is predictable. Scared people in corners lash out, or do questionable things, and the three of them are no different. Compared to Emma and Julian “lie to each other and repress our feeling for several months, then burn a church down with our unholy power then go have sex in a dead man’s house” though, they’re a goddamn fountain of communication and open discussion, and they’re still learning. They’re only going to get better at this with time. Mark lays down his limits more and more often. Kieran starts to learn how to step back. Cristina thinks lying is never right, and Kieran can’t lie, and now they all know that messing with each other doesn’t end well. 

In conclusion, they make each other happy, there are at least two paths of reciprocated attraction between Mark and Cristina and Mark and Kieran and Cristina and Kieran are rapidly warming up to each other, they talk to each other easily and often, they are still trying to figure out how to say what really matters and negotiate boundaries but they seem to be working on it. For a child POW, a little politician, and a prince with an explicitly abusive past, that’s not half bad. Imagine how much better it could get once they have fully formed frontal lobes and aren’t running off of hormones and desperation.  

[vorpalgirl]

Holy shit Lynati’s right it doesn’t include money for food?? the “$800″ you have “left over” that’s supposed to be your entire food budget covered there for the whole month There’s also no Water bill, so uh, good luck with flushing your toilet, bathing, or having drinking/cooking water. And $100 for phone AND cable?? Fuck no. It’s more expensive than that here JUST for Cable, and it’s gonna be extra if you need a cell phone which uuuuh literally everybody needs one these days for both emergencies, and generally for work and let’s be real, most of us use it instead of a landline if we’re under a certain age (Even if you save money by not getting a smart phone or a new phone, it’s still an expense every month to have service?? There’s no way Cable in every area would cover even a landline for that price??)  Notice there’s no Internet bill either. You CANNOT function without internet access in this society, I’m sorry but you literally cannot. I guess they’re assuming it’s bundled with Cable (it won’t be, not for “$100″!), but basically under this budget you’d be stuck with having no internet coverage. Which means either adding it onto cell phone bill (which they also didn’t include remember), or going to the freaking public library (extremely limited hours, and if it’s anything like ours, it’s censored/filtered for a lot of inexplicable things. Like, our local system you have to request they turn off the filter so you can visit even just ANY TUMBLR BLOG AT ALL which come on). "You don’t NEED” internet you say? No, you do. You do if you want things like SNAP or other government assistance that you will DEFINITELY need if you’ve only got $800 or less each month without counting for food or water bills or a properly-budgeted Health Insurance bill etc. At least in my area, SNAP REQUIRES electronic submission over the internet including use of a scanner (!! yes because every poor person has free and easy access to that?!!?).  You’ll need internet for almost all job applications today too (including, funnily enough, to FAST FOOD). With the exception of Aldi, nobody I know of in our area does paper applications anymore, and the easiest ways to get jobs are through websites where you can POST your resume. Which if you haven’t made one before, guarantee you’ll also need to look up online. $600/mo is the kind of rent you only pay OUTSIDE of big cities and then only usually if it is a shithole or you’re willing to have roommates or both. It’s DEFINITELY not enough for a mortgage on a house in a safe suburban neighborhood, either, unless the house is not that great (in which case, have fun affording repairs in this budget!!). I did the math once, and this was a few years ago so it’s probably even higher but like, you look at places like Seattle, Portland, NYC, all the major cities where there’s “a lot of work”, and even a goddamn studio apartment in a potentially iffy neighborhood is usually more than the “$600″ they’re listing here; the common low end I saw for city studio apartments in those cities years ago was $800/mo, which is half the reason I didn’t bother trying to move to one after high school (I couldn’t afford to and wound up living at home with my parents for years, which haha sounds great except I REALLY can’t get along with my mom and it took me years to realize it was bad for my mental health to even try living with her and oh yes, I’m one of the “lucky” ones whose parents aren’t like, opposed to their very identity or something, a lot of people don’t have that option). Just...not to mention, this has NO room (when you consider you know, it’s not including Cell, Internet, Food, Water, has unrealistically low Rent/mortgage and health insurance costs etc) for, oh just off the top of my head: - uh oh I got a flat tire -uh oh I got a disease or an injury and have to TAKE TIME OFF FROM WORK, let alone see a doctor -any kind of medication beyond like, OTC aspirin or whatever, even though a LOT of us could never possibly function at a full time job without medication and may even need it to live (such as diabetics, people with heart conditions, people who have things like PCOS that rely on “hormonal birth control” medication to control it, etc) - ANY hygiene stuff at all?? Like?? there’s no budget at all here for shampoo/conditioner, hand soap, dish detergent, deodorant, toothpaste/toothbrushes (which should be replaced every three months remember), floss/mouthwash, bodywash/bar soaps, sanitizers, menstrual products of any kind (you CANNOT skip this especially without being on birth control WHICH UH AGAIN THERE IS NO BUDGET FOR?), TOILET PAPER, cleaning supplies for your household (like I said they also didn’t include a Water bill so literally NO hygiene anything is covered??). Like. Apparently they expect you to be filthy, eat off a dirty floor (no dishwares in this budget, remember?), and have your teeth rot out of your head and god help you if you menstruate or have any ~special~ hygiene concerns like yeast infections or UTIs pop up... Also $90 for Electric??  That’s... a bit conservative during certain months of the year or certain regions, trust me. I guess they aren’t considering the recent heatwaves then. In Florida during summer months, even a 1-2 person household, counting AIR CONDITIONING, is going to run up a bill easily more than that. So would Arizona or pretty much anywhere else in the South or Southwest USA?? Even NYC and Seattle get hot in the summer,probably enough to rack that up. If you’re not having to pay for heating, you’re probably having to pay for cooling at least some of the time sooo Also I would like to live in this magical clearly-future world where you can own a car and not have to either a.) pay out the nose in an Electric bill or b.) HAVE A GAS BUDGET. Like?? Say you have a....2005 Ford Focus, that has a gas tank the size of 14 gallons. Gas has in recent years ranged between $2/gallon to almost $5/gallon in my region, depending on the year and time of year (summer months gasoline is more in demand so it will tend to be more expensive). Even just saying an average of $3/gallon, x 14 gallons, keeping a full tank is OVER $40. Honestly my husband and I only work part time and do occasional errands in a Focus with similar tank size, and we usually go through about I’d say a tank a week, unless we have specific things that require extra driving.  That’s A WEEK, including transportation to and from work, which we do not live far from. so you can guess that like, even if we edge that a little lower, it’s usually about $30 or more EACH WEEK, that’s over $100 a month just for gas.  And if your mode of transport is a car, in an area like ours that requires one? That is a non-negotiable expense. It NEEDS to be accounted for. Even if you’re lowballing it, call it about $100/month for a reasonably fuel efficient car AT MINIMUM, especially if you’re working “two full time jobs”, you walnuts. It’s either that, or you trim the car out of your budget...but then you’d have to live in a major city, where there’s good public transportation options. Which not only adds EASILY $200 to your rent cost per month, it’s also still going to require SOME sort of transportation cost to work, since haha a minimum wage job is NOT going to be a work from home deal chances are. Bus passes, train or subway fare, taxi or uber/lyft fares, SOMETHING.  Even a bike requires maintenance and a decent bike is usually not cheap. (Note: a motorcycle with good fuel efficiency is a lot better for gas requirements, like, I wanna say two or three times as good? I forget the exact numbers. But - it comes with a HUGE safety tradeoff and higher insurance rates and also a special license if you are driving ones that go over a certain speed, which is most of them. Also, no trunk, no protection from the elements, and little to no ability to transport passengers or anything of significant size or awkwardness).

Also also they have “car payment” and “car insurance” but no budget set aside for car MAINTENANCE which...is not long-term cheap and can be short-term expensive, to the tune of hundreds or thousands of dollars. Oil changes aren’t so bad but if your tires need replacing (which they will every few years at least), that’s REALLY expensive. That “$100/mo Savings”? That’s not Savings. You can TRY, but that is I guarantee going into Medical or Car Repair “emergency” spending, or you’ll have to dip into it for food or Water bills or something.  To say these numbers were clearly mostly pulled out of someone’s ass, is to insult a perfectly useful orifice.

[meeedeee]

Dear Simon Sinek: STFU About Millennials RSS FEED OF POST WRITTEN BY FOZMEADOWS

The last few weeks or so, I’ve seen the same video endlessly going around on Facebook: a snippet of an interview with Simon Sinek, who lays out what he believes to be the key problems with millennials in the workplace. Every time I see it shared, my blood pressure rises slightly, until today – joy of joys! – I finally saw and shared a piece rebutting it. As often happens on Facebook, a friend asked me why I disagreed with Sinek’s piece, as he’d enjoyed his TED talks. This is my response.

In his talk, Sinek touches on what he believes to be the four core issues handicapping millennials: internet addiction, bad parenting, an unfulfilled desire for meaningful work and a desire to have everything instantly. Now: demonstrably, some people are products of bad parenting, and the pernicious, lingering consequences of helicopter parenting, wherein overzealous, overprotective adults so rob their children of autonomy and instil in them such a fear of failure that they can’t healthily function as adults, is a very real phenomenon. Specifically in reference to Sinek’s claims about millennials all getting participation awards in school (which, ugh: not all of us fucking did, I don’t know a single person for whom that’s true, shut up with this goddamn trope), the psychological impact of praising children equally regardless of their actual achievements, such that they come to view all praise as meaningless and lose self-confidence as a result, is a well-documented phenomenon. But the idea that you can successfully accuse an entire global generation of suffering from the same hang-ups as a result of the same bad parenting stratagems, such that all millennials can be reasonably assumed to have this problem? That, right there, is some Grade-A bullshit.

Bad parenting isn’t a new thing. Plenty of baby boomers and members of older generations have been impacted by the various terrible fads and era-accepted practises their own parents fell prey to (like trying to electrocute the gay out of teenagers, for fucking instance), but while that might be a salient point to make in individual cases or in the specific context of tracking said parenting fads, it doesn’t actually set millennials apart in any meaningful way. Helicopter parenting might be comparatively new, but other forms of damage are not, and to act as though we’re the only generation to have ever dealt with the handicap of bad parenting, whether collectively or individually, is fucking absurd. But more to the point, the very specific phenomenon of helicopter parenting? Is, overwhelmingly, a product of white, well-off, middle- and-upper-class America, developed specifically in response to educational environments where standardised testing rules all futures and there isn’t really a viable social safety net if you fuck up, which leads to increased anxiety for children and parents both. While it undeniably appears in other countries and local contexts, and while it’s still a thing that happens to kids now, trying to erase its origins does no favours to anyone.

Similarly, the idea that millennials have all been ruined by the internet and don’t know how to have patience because we grew up with smartphones and social media is – you guessed it – bullshit. This is really a two-pronged point, tying into two of Sinek’s arguments: that we’re internet addicts who don’t know how to socialise properly, and that we’re obsessed with instant gratification, and as such, I’m going to address them together.

Yes, internet addiction is a problem for some, but it’s crucial to note it can and does affect people of all ages rather than being a millennial-only issue, just as it’s equally salient to point out that millennials aren’t the only ones using smartphones. I shouldn’t have to make such an obvious qualification, but apparently, I fucking do. That being said, the real problem here is that Sinek has seemingly no awareness of what social media actually is. I mean, the key word is right there in the title: social media, and yet he’s acting like it involves no human interaction whatsoever – as though we’re just playing with digital robots or complete strangers all the time instead of texting our parents about dinner or FaceTiming with friends or building professional networks on Twitter or interacting with our readerships on AO3 (for instance).

The idea, too, that millennials have their own social conventions different to his own, many of which reference a rich culture of online narratives, memes, debates and communities, does not seem to have occurred to him, because we’re not learning to do it face to face. Except that, uh, we fucking are, on account of how we still inhabit physical bodies and go to physical places every fucking day of our goddamn lives, do I really have to explain that this is a thing? Do I really have to explain the appeal of maintaining friendships where you’re emotionally close but the person lives hundreds or thousands of kilometres away? Do I really have to spell out the fact that proximal connections aren’t always meaningful ones, and that it actually makes a great deal of human sense to want to socialise with people we care about and who share our interests where possible rather than relying solely on the random admixture of people who share our schools and workplaces for fun?

The fact that Sinek talks blithely about how all millennials grew up with the internet and social media, as though those of us now in our fucking thirties don’t remember a time before home PCs were common (I first learned to type on an actual typewriter), is just ridiculous: Facebook started in 2004, YouTube in 2005, Twitter in 2006, tumblr in 2007 and Instagram in 2010. Meaning, most millennials – who, recall, were born between 1980 and 1995, which makes the youngest of us 21/22 and the eldest nearly forty – didn’t grow up with what is now considered social media throughout our teenage years, as Sinek asserts, because it didn’t really get started until we were out of high school. Before that, we had internet messageboards that were as likely to die overnight as to flourish, IRC chat, and the wild west of MSN forums, which was a whole different thing altogether. (Remember the joys of being hit on by adults as an underage teen in your first chatroom and realising only years later that those people were fucking paedophiles? Because I DO.)

And then he pulls out the big guns, talking about how we get a dopamine rush when we post about ourselves online, and how this is the same brain chemical responsible for addiction, and this is why young people are glued to their phones and civilisation is ending. Which, again, yes: dopamine does what he says it does, but that is some fucking misleading bullshit, Simon Says, and do you know why? Because you also get a goddamn dopamine rush from talking about yourself in real life, too, Jesus fucking Christ, the internet is not the culprit here, to say nothing of the fact that smartphones do more than one goddamn thing. Sinek lambasts the idea of using your phone in bed, for instance, but I doubt he holds a similar grudge against reading in bed, which – surprise! – is what quite a lot of us are doing when we have our phones out of an evening, whether in the form of blogs or books or essays. If I was using a paperback book or a physical Kindle rather than the Kindle app on my iPhone, would he give a fuck? I suspect not.

Likewise, I doubt he has any particular grudge against watching movies (or TED talks, for that matter) in bed, which phones can also be used for. Would he care if I brought in my Nintendo DS or any other handheld system to bed and caught a few Pokemon before lights out? Would he care if I played Scrabble with a physical board instead of using Words With Friends? Would he care if I used the phone as a phone to call my mother and say goodnight instead of checking her Facebook and maybe posting a link to something I know will make her laugh? I don’t know, but unless you view a smartphone as something that’s wholly disconnected from people – which, uh, is kind of the literal antithesis of what a smartphone is and does – I don’t honestly see how you can claim that they’re tools for disconnection. Again, yes: some people can get addicted or overuse their phones, but that is not a millennial-exclusive problem, and fuck you very much for suggesting it magically is Because Reasons.

And do not even get me started on the total fuckery of millennials being accustomed to instant gratification because of the internet. Never mind the fact that, once again, people of any age are equally likely to become accustomed to fast internet as a thing and to update their expectations accordingly – bitch, do you know how long it used to take to download music with Kazaa using a 56k modem? Do you know how long it still takes to download entire games, or patches for games, or – for that matter – drive through fucking peak-hour traffic to get to and from work, or negotiate your toddler into not screaming because he can’t have a third juicebox? Because – oh, yeah – remember that thing where millennials stopped being teenagers quite a fucking while ago, and a fair few of us are now parents ourselves? Yeah. Apparently our interpersonal skills aren’t so completely terrible as to prevent us all from finding spouses and partners and co-parents for our tiny, screaming offspring, and if Mr Sinek would like to argue that learning patience is incompatible with being a millennial, I would like to cordially invite him to listen to a video, on loop, of my nearly four-year-old saying, “Mummy, look! A lizard! Mummy, there’s a lizard! Come look!” and see what it does for his temperament. (We live in Brisbane, Australia. There are geckos everywhere.)

But what really pisses me off about Sinek’s millennial-blaming is the idea that we’re all willing to quit our jobs because we don’t find meaning in them. Listen to me, Simon Sinek. Listen to me closely. You are, once again, confusing the very particular context of middle-class, predominantly white Americans from affluent backgrounds – which is to say, the kind of people who can afford to fucking quit in this economy – for a universal phenomenon. Ignore the fact that the global economy collapsed in 2008 without ever fully recovering: Brexit just happened in the UK, Australia is run by a coalition of racist dickheads and you’ve just elected a talking Cheeto who’s hellbent on stripping away your very meagre social safety nets as his first order of business – oh, and none of us can afford to buy houses and we’re the first generation not to earn more than our predecessors in quite a while, university costs in the States are an actual goddamn crime and most of us can’t make a living wage or even get a job in the fields we trained in.

But yeah, sure: let’s talk about the wealthy few who can afford to quit their corporate jobs because they feel unfulfilled. What do they have to feel unhappy about, really? It’s not like they’re working for corporations whose idea of HR is to hire oblivious white dudes like you to figure out why their younger employees, working longer hours for less pay in tightly monitored environments that strip their individuality and hate on unions as a sin against capitalism, in a context where the glass ceiling and wage gaps remain a goddamn issue, in a first world country that still doesn’t have guaranteed maternity leave and where quite literally nobody working minimum wage can afford to pay rent, which is fucking terrifying to consider if you’re worried about being fired, aren’t fitting in. Nah, bro – must be the fucking internet’s fault.

Not that long ago, Gen X was the one getting pilloried as a bunch of ambitionless slackers who didn’t know the meaning of hard work, but time is linear and complaining about the failures of younger generations is a habit as old as humanity, so now it’s apparently our turn. Bottom line: there’s a huge fucking difference between saying “there’s value in turning your phone off sometimes” and “millennials don’t know how to people because TECHNOLOGY”, and until Simon Sinek knows what it is, I’m frankly not interested in whatever it is he thinks he has to say.

from shattersnipe: malcontent & rainbows http://ift.tt/2iKOneF via IFTTT

[thebrightestringaroundthemoon]

anyway time to use this blog for what i created it for i guess and type out a big long thing about how im a worthless piece of shit and should pour myself a nice big glass of creamer, sugar, and clorox. i literally serve like? no purpose? in life? at all? im a completely directionless failure that operates with about the complexity of a fucking roomba, running into the same goddamn couch over and over again and slightly redirecting. if i get lucky, i run into a different couch, but nothing fucking changes. i do the exact same thing over and over again: surround myself with wonderful, fantastic people, fuck it up and make them hate me, and then spiral into a pit of my own pointless fucking despair until i realize im such a fucking failure of a person i cant even muster the energy it takes to fucking die so i just get up again in the morning and go again. rinse and fucking repeat. and its not like i have some horrible life or anything, im just profoundly unfit to exist on this planet. i have wonderful friends who actually, honest to god care about me and its evidently not good enough for me?? so i just respond to everything by assuming the worst, spiralling, and being too much of a dumb bitch to fucking talk to A N Y B O D Y about A N Y T H I N G cuz i guess i’d rather make a dumb edgy tumblr blog named after the lyrics to a fucking asia song than actually solve any of my problems. i guess its too much to solve a problem when the fundamental core of who you are as a person is the fucking problem. i mean, there is a solution, but ive already covered why nobody needs to be worried about me doing that! bnobody needs to be worried about me doing anytuhing! accomplishing anything! ever becoming anything! ever managing to do much more than drag myself out of bed in the morning and inspire a profoundly sad mixture of pity and annoyance in everyone iv’e ever come into fucking contact with! im sitting here debating fixing the fucking apostrophe in the last sentence and its driving me fucking mad while real people have real fucking problems and my cardboard cutout ass bad edgy teen novel stupid bitch excuse for a person ass is sitting here doing THIS with my fucking time. I have things i shuold be doing, could be doing, but this is legitimately all i can bring myself to fucking contribute to society at this point. the surest sign that the people around me are fucking saints is that theyve stuck around this fucking long but honestly i dont fucking undeerstand. i guess thats the whole point of shit like saints, you arent supposed to be able to understand, its superhuman compassion, even for those who dont fucking deserve it. or maybe its just because i fundamentally dont work. i dont have any sort of actual power when it comes to my life. these are the idle musings of a bewildered spectator, the one person who comes to the party, stays sober, and sits on the sidelines and watches the fucking idiocy unfold. except instead of drunkenly stumbling around and telling my friends how much i love them, im stone cold sober and sitting on the sidelines watching myself fail to take even the most basic fucking steps towards fixing literally any problem that im dealing with. broken. non functional. i dunno if i was born a failure, though. i think that might be giving myself a little too much credit. other people were dealt infinitely worse hands than i was and they turned out fucking wonderful. i know a couple of them. no, i think im the way i am because of me. i probably had all the chances i needed to become something resembling a human being, and instead im whatever i am now. how can i be excited about some sort of future for myself when i can barely manage a relatively privliged day to day existance? i have friends, im not starving, im in college, i have an apartment. im far from rich but im able to afford to go to college. that should be enough. why the fuck isnt that enmough. why cant i just be fucking satisfied why cant i muster some sort of positive fucking emotions why does joy last a few moments why can i do this so much easier than writing anything positive about my life why does this flow like it does like a fucking river why cant i stop my hands why why what the fuck why why am i like this why was i born why am i who i am it flows so easily it just comes out but i cant tell anyone and i cant rely on anyone because im not anyone in noone im the fucking nobody that people keep around them to make themselves feel better and the only reason i have the slightest bit of doubt about that is that i love my friends too much to ever accuse them of something like that but then again does it fucking count when its someone like me do i qualify as a fucking person does it count as hurting someone’s feelings or using them when that someone isn’t a someone is just an empty fucking shell that was only gifted with the capacity to retain HURT thats all i can fucking remember thats all that sticks with me HURT i cant fucking be rid of it and its not some sort of innate inherent biological failing its who i am as a person i did this to myself i do this to myself i dont know that i will ever stop doing this to myself. all i can hope for is that one day i gain the strrength the fucking self esteem and self respect to kill myself. maybe it isnt self respect i need for that but respect for my friends. its selfish to put them through me. the pain they’d feel from my death would last a short time if at all. it would be so much better than forcing them to know me for however long this failing fucking body will carry my empty shell of a spirit onwards thjrough a world that i dont deserve to fucking inhabit. my inner monologyue put on paper sounds like a fucking evanescence song and i hate myself for it so much jesus fucking christ. i fundamentally do not like myself. as a person. on any level. i do not like myself. i wouldnt be friends with me, and ironically i hate myself for that too. but who would? who the fuck would? why does anyone? do they? maybe thats my one fucking talent. convincing people im likable. worming my way into their fucking lives until they trust me only to realize that i am not a human being. im an empty shell, a fucking roomba of a person. i can tell when ive run into something and back up so i can run into it again. i cannot solve my own problems. i cannot even conceptualize them. im something below a human cursed with the fucking ability to think at the level of one. my ocd is really really desperately trying to get me to scroll up and fix all the spelling and grammar errors but i dont know if itll hurt more to ignore them or to have to read the dumb ashit i just wrote. earlier i said that i wanted this to flow less easily and here we are i guess. though earlier i meant it in the context of only being able to properly conceptualize negative feelings and never being abkle to hold onto anything piositive i feel, and that hasn’t been magically fixed or anything, im just having trouble feeling anything at all now. im a completely blank slate. i havent even cried once troday. i cant. i cant care about my own fucking inadequacy and failure as a very basic human being enough to even fucking cry. i cried about an anime a couple nuights ago. i can muster emotion for that. but as soon as i look inwards i dont see ahyuthing thEres NOTHING FUICKING THERE THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING THERE THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING THERE I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING I AM NOT A HUMAN BEING I AM BROKEN I AM EMPTY I AM A {PLAGUE ON WHOEVER HAS THE PURE FUCKING MISFORTUNE TO BE A GOOD ENOUGH PERSON TO TAKE PITY ON ME i dont want to die, even. too many steps, too much feeling, too much. i just want to stop. to end. i want to no longer be. ill lock tghat away with all the other things id love to happen but know never will. that ones at the forefront though. it always will be. until i grow the fucking compassion to put others out of my misery. my roomate just texted me an innocuous questiona nd i texte d bacjk normally emojis and all im normal dont you see everyone im normal nothings wrong with me. oh sure sometimes i have a bad day but im fine everybody IM FINE you aren’t you have to put up with me ill fucking worm my way into your life and convince you im a real human being you can hold a congersation with only to snatch the fucking rug out from under you as soon as you actually attempt to engage with me on any level and i just end up eiother hurting you or revealing accidently that there is no such thing as luna thats not a fucking person its a name assigned to a loose collections of disorders, bad habits, and a gaping emotional black hoile from which nothing can fucking escape, jammed into an ugly broken body thats going to kill me early and doesnt even compensate by making me hot. wHEE. and of course, unable to be happy with anything, i will simultaneously complain about my own impending death due to horrific nutrition, subastance abuse (just the fun kinds so people dont realize anything is wrong WHEEEE) and some fucky illness that ive now gone and stopped medicating because im a stupid worthless bitch, AND I WILL COMPLAIN ABOUT THIS WHILE SIMULATENOUSLY WANTING TO DIE what do i want? who the fuck knows! not me! that’s a redundant statement, of course “me” doing know bercause thats not a thing im not a person! id love to blame it on my complete and total internal faliure as a person that i always end up hurting people, but honestly its probably because i dont put enough fucking effort in. even right now,. literally hours after a good friend of mine ostaroted feeling like shit in a way that is almost for sure my fucking fault, im doing THIS instead of trying to right the situation (to b fair she made a point of not inviting me but inviting the rest of the group?) or did she am i just reading into this? who knows! who the fuck knows! everyone but “me”! ejveryone else knows! becayuse its probably REALALLY FUCKING SIMPLE BUT NOOOOO I CANT EVEN MANAGE THAT CAN I I CANNNOT EVEN FUCKING MANMAGE TO MANAGE THAT CAN I thats too much for lil ol me! i am aggressively pointless! i am the single least important collection of fucking atoms on this planet! every last fucking rock i stepped on walking to and from the class that i skipped half of today is more important and has contribtued more to the grand scheme of things than i ever have or ever will, and thats jkust the inanimate fucking objects on the ground. lets not even get started on all the actual people whose time my existance waste, who i am a fucking affront to  by sheer virtue of being in any way associated with them at any point in time ever. i guess this is it, this is what i get when my entire personlaity is a loosely cobbled together collection of self deprecating jokes and a fake ego, desperately attempting to patch over an interior that has holes in it less than it just is one giant fucking hole. i was, am, and will be nothing, not even enough to earn the use of “I” at the beginning of the sentence. dinner is in 15 minutes. my friends will be there. im paralyzed. i belive every word i wrote above so why

would i inflict myself upon them but i 

i cant not

i so deeply want to

to go sit in uncharacteristic silence and hope somebnody notices and asks me whats up so i can give them a dumb, abridged, mostly fake version and get the sad pity looks and then feel bad about exploiting them and then

rinse

repeat

because i am not a person