#tw doubting sys validity

[anti-endo-safe-space]

Tw: childhood trauma, dissasociation, eating disorders

I just recently figured out that i am in a system, while i am still figuring things out and creating a healthier pattern of life to accomodate us all, i cant help but think ive but suppressed the thought of even being one, afraid of faking, thinking im posing for attention to have this disorder that affects all of us daily, the quarelling over items, the need to hold back some of our impulsive wants and needs and the denial that "i wasn't abused" until a fellow sys pointed out to us that the fact that i have to hide my entire internet life from my own parents, the fact that they will probably disown us if we came out, the fact that the only reason why we still have a even slight positive connotation with them is because some of us are taking in all the intense emotions and memories of abuse we had when its bad, really bad. So that the littles and the middles could still have a good relationship with my parents. The dissasociation, the emotional rollercoaster, the body dysphoria, the feeling of not recognising your own reflection, the need to mask our identity of being a system ontop of masking our neurodivergence. The hours of laying in bed wasting time because were paralyzed by the amount of bickering and the repressed sadness and pain and anger and fear and paranoia and mania and unhealthy obsessiveness, the feeling of losing yourself everytime you blink, the fear of a protector and or prosecutor lashing out in public and possibly getting us into trouble. Thoughts, emotions, the self-doubt the noise the frustration, the hours of broken sleep patterns down to our unhealthy cravings of food when things get bad. The fear of rejection and the need to hide, the expectations, the fear of not deserving love because you think this is all just your measly attempt at copying peoples quirks because you're lonely, the unreasonable fears the memory loss the cacophony of the argument of what to do as you stand there frozen like a deer in the headlights unable to form a coherent sentence to respond as all of you fight to who gets to voice theirs to react to the situation, the fear of being rejected the constant mind-haze, the fear of being invalidated because you fit right into the stereotypes of having "evil" alters, the fact that we have a high fictive count and that we are young and dont have a formal medical diagnosis because it is inaccesible to us at the current time.

And to think, to some people this disorder is just a game, a side thing, a little hobby to get into and get out of when you eventually get bored and toss away your toys like unwanted dolls. The fact that these people might contribute to why weve been repressed for so long due to their standards.

I wonder how you come up with wild shit like that, i wonder how people could face themselves in the mirror every morning without being restless every night thinking about their own validity, but they do, and i think that upset me

Sorry for the long vent/rant OPs

-🍎🦖

Hey don't be sorry, we're here for long vents/rants

We aren't entirely sure what to say. We are so sorry you had to find out and deal with the negative parts of being a system, it isn't all fun and games like some people seem to think.

[dadzawa004]

(is anon wif da gf trubles) (tw vent, sh mention )

Is hards cuz host has strong connection wif his gf an he relly love her so he no wanna break ups wif her, I no relly like her, she seem scary :( an one da protecter no like her either, but host say is good, say she helpy him hurt body less an da she make him happys an stuffs bu protecter tink do more harm den good :( ben lot fighting in headspace lately :( dey always lot fight between host and da protecter, cuz host no do good mently an he do lot thinks da hurt body, he also get rid of us stuffs :( cuz he say da we no real :( bu is real :( I reel girl no fake peoples, has split lot recently so sum thing definly no goodds, is stressful, just not kno wat do :( host say no tell her is system cuz is probly fakeing its an no wan her kno bouts it, I tried front earlier bu host just scream an said bad words to me :( was no fun

Vent reaponse// TW (long post.)

Hey anon. it's nice to see you again, despite the bad circumstances

Please let this be a reminder. You ARE real. You are real, You're here and you're a real person. So is everyone in your system. I know how hard it is, considering the host is having troubles coming to terms with such. No matter what, you're real either way. I'm sorry to hear about the stress the sys is going through at the moment. I'm sure that the host isn't the only person going through denial

As I am apart of a system myself, I can find myself often wondering if its just me or it's really happening. Which is a valid feeling, please don't feel guilty about it (this includes the host and everyone who may feel this way)

I fear that if this is going on, the front may not be safe to front into. I'm not in charge wether when you decide to front or not. But if you want my personal opinion (and maybe something I did when we were in a similar situation) take front breaks. It's okay to take breaks if you can, and it can be extremely healthy when the stress is off your chest.

The most important thing right now is trying to remove the body itself into a place which feels more comfortable to you and the others. So if you want a place to start, start there (safety is your main priority, always remember that)

Like I said before, we had a host who was very similar to yours. And the situation was a huge.. ball of stress to get through. But I promise, eventually (and hopefully) the host and maybe anyone else who has similar mindset will start to understand their situation and how to cope with it

you have the same power as the host, so please don't feel like you're being shut down or kept quiet. Communication is key, but safety is the main focus before proceeding into hot waters like this

It might take hours, days, or weeks, even more. But no matter what the host will come in terms at some point. They can't ignore something that cannot be ignored. And even if being a system is rough, and it's "easier" to try and doubt your situation; it just isn't healthy. Not for them, not for the system or it's alters, not for the body. The most important thing is to find a way to get along, Live with it, and live with your lives. And I'm hoping that terms and realization will come soon

And please remember that there are resources to take if it's an emergency. Wether that he hotlines, therapy, and others (again, if safe to do so). But remember resources are there to help, so whatever the case, please turn to it if you're in a state of emergency. You aren't alone and you shouldn't do this alone.

I hope this helps. If you need more advice or.. just to talk, I'm here for you. So Is the CGS who run the blog. My messages are also open, so if you'd like to continue to talk, you are free to do so. (no pressure, but the option is always there)

I wish you the best of luck, kid. And I hope this reaches out ok