#ty for reading this far

[ash-and-starlight]

modern au and esen’s honkers are haunting the instagram feed

[double--blind]

(SPOILERS) Ashley, self-esteem, and starvation

So, I adore Ashley. She's this intensely toxic, vicious, cruel, manipulative girl, and her psychology gives me hella brainworms. Andrew's not the only one whose head I wanna crack open and root around lol. She's thrown away the world just to keep her brother by her side, and she'll continue to do worse and worse for the same reason. She's pretty awful! I've been thinking about why, though. How did things get so bad? How did her soul get so dark?

We don't know everything (I'm waiting for those new eps patiently aND CLAWING AT THE WALLS AND FROTHING AT THE MOUTH but whatevs y'know whatevs I'm normal. I'm fine), yet what information we have been given is bumping around my brain like a DVD screensaver on hyperdrive

It's clear from the start that the roots of Ashley's issues lie in her horrible, neglectful upbringing, but it's hinted that even those outside of her family felt the same abt her. I'm lowkey even betting we'll learn later on that she was ostracized by her peers somehow. However, what's most disconcerting, I believe, is how little she was when the results of this alienation are first made apparent to us (bc kids aren't dumb; they notice this stuff oftentimes instinctively, impossibly young, before they even know what it means to be hated), and how devastating the consequences were.

(There's something decidedly childish abt her dream sequence in the "questionable" route—filled with crayon scribbles and rabbit plushies, the metaphors simplistic yet profound—which really hammers in how these sentiments are things that have made a home in her since childhood. Formative subconscious truths.)

Growing up unloved and noticeably unwanted by virtually everyone around her likely left her with a gaping hole in her heart that she'd spend the rest of her life trying to fill. She'd make friends, but she'd always worry that they'd leave her, that they'd betray her, nothing tangible or weighted enough in their connection to trust in its persistence. Why should she expect otherwise? Not even being bound by familial ties ensures affection if her parents are any indication.

Every lesson she'd ever learned had always taught her this: you are easy to abandon. You cannot love and be loved by virtue of your own worth.

You have to rip their affection from their clenched hands if you want it so bad.

This understanding carries with it an undercurrent of degradation, instilling within Ashley a constant, biting inferiority complex which will never fail to be a source of insecurity. She will always be put last. She was difficult to raise, so her parents gave up on raising her. She was difficult to get along with, so her friends gave up on getting along with her.

It's an odd cycle. She's difficult bc she needs to be to get attention, but bc she's difficult, she can't keep it. Not without having whatever fondness she's managed to cultivate within someone fray at the seams, volatile and prone to collapse, bleeding toxicity.

Hence, her relationship w/Andrew.

By being the only reliable constant in her life, caring for her and keeping her company, Andrew essentially became her only source of happiness, and she's since learned not to bother with anyone else. Still, it's dangerous to keep all your eggs in one basket; since he is all she has, she must protect her place in his life with even greater ferocity, which becomes a torturous ordeal when coupled with her damaged self-esteem.

It's apparent in her quarrels with Andrew that she needs constant reassurance that she is wanted in some capacity or perceived in some positive light (getting pouty when Andrew says he's "stuck with her", needing to hear that she's pretty, needing him to "choose her", wanting him to say he loves her back, etc. etc.), yet her insecurity remains, bc unlike her, he's got options. She doesn't think he needs her like she needs him. He's got a gf, their parents love him, her friends love him. Why would he settle for her? What if someone better comes along? Someone she can't scare away?

Wouldn't he just leave her like everyone else?

Even before getting locked in the coffin of their apartment, starvation's been a constant theme in Ashley's life. She's constantly aching for love, and Andrew's the only one who can feed her. When you're forced to fight for a bite to eat or suffer every moment you hunger, you become ravenous—covetous—when faced with food; you don't want the hunger to return, so you lock down the source of your sustenance, wary of its retreat. Ashley's in a permanent state of intense insecurity, always anxious that the love that gives her life will leave her.

Andrew knows Ashley better than anyone else in the world, and it's obvs to everyone and him how desperate Ashley is for him, but I don’t think Andrew has truly, consciously processed the depth of that desperation. It's there buried in his head somewhere no doubt, but rn, he doesn't operate w/the direct awareness that he is everything. He is brother, mother, friend, and soulmate. He is life and love, air and water, everything that is good in the world—everything that there is to justify existence.

It's heartbreaking, in a way, that it's so difficult for Andrew to convince her of his loyalty. This goes further than his tendency to hide his true feelings, bc when push comes to shove, he's at her beck and call. Objectively, he's hers. She doesn't see that bc all she sees is all the ways she can lose him.

So, she gets bratty. She gets pushy, possessive, territorial. Manipulative. Gets under his skin, guilts him to exhaustion, bc she can't see him staying any other way, bc he doesn't get it, bc it works. He bends to her will, for her sake. For now. It's always "for now", bc he'll start slipping away again, and then it'll get worse. She does worse.

Becomes worse.

[therefugeofbooks]

— Currently reading Howl’s Moving Castle by Diana Wynne Jones

[meldoesthedraw]

Mari-lore Comics #10-11: SUCCESS

She's IN!!!

But how will she mesh with the rest of the Up Late With Miss Piggy writing team, really?

Will she foster friendships with her new Muppet coworkers? Romance, even?

And most importantly: will Zoot EVER remember her name??

Stay tuned, dear readers... 👀

[toxicdogs]

Commissions for cats vet bills!

Hello! I really need help paying for my cats vet costs, his name is Dewi, he is my sweet boy and he is having severe bladder issues due to stress. We just lost one of our cats two weeks ago, I literally cannot take losing this boy as well.

I unfortunately just had to empty my bank account to pay for his treatment yesterday which saved his life. But he's having to go back in today bc he can't pass any liquids still. So I am opening my commission at a discount! My prices are below, but if they are too expensive or you'd like something cheaper, please contact me! I also have a ko-fi.

If you know anyone who would like a character portrait or commission please share it around! All boosts and shares help a ton!

Some examples of my work below!

+ this is Dewi <3

[museaway]

friends, I'd love it you would reblog this and put in the tags something that makes you happy

[someoldfires]

thinking abt the things the writers said on that panel recently abt the will they/wont they tension keeping people watching and that youre not gonna give that up too easily. thinking about nandor + guillermo + kiss post it note. thinking about the seemingly random upswing of people involved in the show recently denying/downplaying the romantic buildup between them while also keeping everyone talking about it. many thoughts

[harritudur]

one more time, steal my breath eddie/chrissy fic + rated e x p l i c i t + in progress

(no Vecna AU) seven years after graduating and leaving Hawkins in the dust, Eddie Munson is a rising star in LA. Fame and the B*D*S*M lifestyle have left him feeling hollow and unfulfilled. All that changes when he sees a familiar face across the room at a play party...

[mispelled]

You used to be a homestuck fan didn't you

Still am babeyyy!!

[aldermos]

Surge and Amy are now interacting, and the first panel that we see the two interacting in does not help the "Bi/Lesbian Amy" allegations in the slightest.

I JUST SAW THE PANEL HELPPPPPP 🙏🙏🙏

i'll take any crumbs so this in itself is a big win for us surgamy truthers 🫢 this idw issue is definitely gonna open the floodgates to new ppls (similar to mha togachako i want to say) im all for itttt

amy is definitely a fruit though there's too many panels of evidence to say otherwise 🤭 /lh /hc

[moeblob]

Before I post any art, I gotta say a thing. And I've told a few people already but I am gonna share it here, too.

TW; Anxiety (but like positive?)

At work I am quite well-known as "that person with anxiety". I think at most points, despite turnover rates of employees, at minimum 65% of all employees have seen me cry at work before. If they haven't, it's probably someone on night crew. The thing is though, it has it's really weird benefits? I'm absolutely not here to wish anxiety on anyone but when someone that isn't me has anxiety? A lot of coworkers will ask me to talk to the person in the middle of an attack because "hey you can relate".

And today all I had to do was listen to someone vent their work stress as she cried out back and vaped a little to calm down. Like, she didn't ask me to join her out back. A guy told me to go check on her so I did. And she just... let it all out. And as she calmed down and was about to go back in I told her "hey it's fine to feel better but if you go right back to where you were it's not gonna help anything. Go into the walk in cooler for a minute to literally cool off" and she paused and was like. Stunned. That it could be that easy. (note, the back? no AC. her station? the pizza station? ovens AND multiple people for body heat. outside where she vented? also hot!)

I just enjoy the fact that while it sucks to have anxiety, I've been there long enough to help multiple people through an attack because I'm just a small and little fella. The least intimidating person in the restaurant who has been seen crying more than any other worker.

I remember having my own anxiety attack and my GM at the time just walked over to me and stood at a slight distance and started to talk to me about a video game he'd been playing lately and when he left to get back to work, I felt better. He just ... rambled about something to distract me and it worked. I remember a manager who had real bad anxiety prior to working and had it under control who told me it was fine to feel anxious because your brain's stupid. And, as a restaurant, he's like "to your brain under an anxiety attack, you could have a line out the door or a lion at the door and it's the exact same sense of fear."

Basically, I haven't had super huge attacks at work lately but I'm still known for having them and for some reason, that gets spread around and no one ever acts like it's a defect. In fact, plenty find it relatable! And when I can help someone with advice I've gotten before or just distracting them with a silly story about the one time I walked in the back door and walked into the cooler and started to cry and shake and a manager found me and goes "did you even clock in yet?" and I shook my head and he told me to go home but after I sat in my car for a bit to calm down. It's nice to hear someone laugh when I tell them "so hey, at least YOU got to clocking in so you're getting paid to cry".

It's just wild how a little understanding goes a long way? How it doesn't fix anything but dang it really does help to just co-exist as "ah yeah I get that - do you want some water?"

[rillette]

I made the mistake of reading an interview from Adams about the current Hal run and he’s convinced that’s he’s the first person to give Hal a midlife crisis like that wasn’t his comics for 20 years 😭😭😭 why do writers love to reinvent the wheel and then act like no it’s never happened before

At this point I'm CONVICED he's only read like maybe one hal comic ever. Like c'mon man. Hard traveling heroes at the very least like thats Required Reading 😭

[scover-va]

I need to know more about Michael's mom... Is she a cool mom?

SHE IS A VERY COOL MOM janet afton you will always be famous. to me

Im taking this as a chance to finally ramble abt her anyways so Janet's core inspo when designing her was to avoid 2 key things. Don't make her like Immortal & Th Restless's Clara (due to clara representing michael, not mrs afton, so i wanted to avoid that), and don't base her too heavily off of Ballora. I still have ties to Ballora's character (a music-based theme, blue-centric colour palette, im sure there were more basic ideas but everything else is more hc than themes to keep up) due to my hc thingy of each Funtime having ties to William's wife + kids, but yknow.

But yeah. Funky lady who played bass guitar + did backup vocals in a band during her high school and college years. Literally her and William dating can be summed up by "Seriously, what do you see in that guy?!" "He makes me laugh." bc she was and is WAY out of his goddamn league. Not just bc of the whole serial killer thing he was just an even bigger loser in college. Normal people dont develop a crush on a woman after she nearly breaks your nose and makes you bleed, William /j

But yeah uhh. I also dont like the idea of her being absent or neglectful purely because I got way too attached to her (i was originally gonna do that just to make things easy for myself but. Pretty lady,,, I am a very simple lesbian what can i say) so like. She obviously wasnt the greatest, most fantastic mom to ever exist given she was kinda maybe sorta well aware William was making some weird fucking clowns, but like. Hey. She tried. Also side note my reasoning for her being absent during the whole. Yknow. '83 event (and just evan's bday in general) is bc Evan + Elizabeth are twins and Elizabeth demanded a girls-only trip for her bday, and Janet promised Evan she'd do something just as special for him when she got back. That never happened bc he died lmao loser /j

But yeah uhh. Shes got a lot of regrets. Wishes she coulda done a lot of things better. Kinda dies with those regrets. Ive seen people say that one of fnaf's charms is that no character is 100% good and i LOVE that, and wanted to keep it up with Janet. Good mom and overall a good person, however made some bad decisions along the way and whatnot.

Im still working out specifics (ive been slowly working on a lil private fic abt her and william meeting + their early relationship) but uhhh. Minor notes that dont get their own paragraphs is that William sampled her voice for Ballora so yay easy voice claim, she had an on and off relationship with her band's lead singer (her name's Bev), her birth name is actually Janice Schmidt but if you call her Janice she'll knock at least 2 of ur teeth out, she's a runaway teen and got adopted by this older couple bc her home life kinda sucked (idk specifics yet), and also girlie has an extensive criminal record of minor angsty teen type charges. Also teen Mike dying his hair and then 2020's Michael's hairstyle are both kinda references to Janet's hair because he wnated to look less like his father. Thats all ty. No read more bc you WILL look at my mrs afton post, boy /j

Actually no theres more that im remembering as i write the tags and edit a few details. Back to her and William because god im insane about them. So for starters it. Well i was gonna say Janet was def the first to flirt but i think William definitely developed a crush first and they only kept talking bc of said crush so its kinda up for debate. Anyways yeah at first it was a HUGE sorta like "Well he's funny especially when I fluster him so this can be just a fun lil thing" but because they chatted more they def kinda like. Clicked more. William was a huge fan of listening to her music (from. a distance. he looked kinda like a creep but at least janet only misinterpreted it once) but like *specifically* janet he didnt give a fucking shit abt the rest of the band. Uhh. They had their first run-in and janet kinda. Well. Punched him in the nose before he cleared up that he is NOT a pervert or anything weird like that (bc a guy that looks older than he is staring from a distance when there is a clear crowd he could join kinda gave janet the Wrong idea), then they later bumped into each other in the hall and chatted for a bit, then they kinda just kept "accidentally" running into one another. Uhhh. Some cigaerette-themed flirting and a house party later, yay dating :] can you tell where the current cut-off of the fic is /j Also idk how to put this down properly but they are both runaways and can kinda. Get that vibe from one another. Literally Michael is like some fucked up abomination of the both of them between the troubled past + weird situationship thing + runaway stuff + a lot of minor details that arent important rn. I just. Yeah Janet means the world to me go thru her tag on my blog for some art. Not all of my janet art is posted but the non-posted stuff is all concept work/doodles or just. Shit im too embarrassed to post lmao. Anyways NOW im done ty for reading

[spoluk]

Something’s brewing in Jericho! 👀

[inafieldofdaisies]

18. bear hugs

For Mary May and Cal (with Zorro maybe?) <3

Prompt from this post.

Mary May followed what could barely be called a path snaking through the woods, her eyes periodically darting down to the crudely drawn map Calahan had left for her. "I will be waiting, Angel." was scribbled next to an X marking what he deemed his favorite fishing spot that as far she could tell wasn't any of the ones the locals frequented. Multiple times she questioned her decision to come at all, trying to convince herself to turn around and trek back to her truck before she would inevitably lose daylight and end up completely lost. "This is dumb. Foolish as hell.", she mumbled out loud, her frown deepening as she navigated the rough terrain, "And Casey from all people is manning the bar. It would be a miracle if it's still standing when I return." Yet no matter how many times she reminded herself John's men could choose that exact moment to make another move, a part of her that always took over against her better judgment anytime Hartley was around, pulled her forward like a niddle of a compass, like she could feel him near and was drawn to find him at any cost. Compass- another thing she wished she had taken with her along with a goddamned flashlight. For a second she contemplated calling out for Calahan, sensing she must be getting closer to the place he was supposed to be waiting for her at, then she decided against the idea, worrying about drawing the attention of any Peggies that knowing her luck, could be lurking in the woods. "Should have brought my shotgun. Fucking stupid… leaving it in my truck, because 'who the fuck brings a shotgun to a date'?", her hands clutched the map tighter when she heard twings snapping somewhere to her left that made her pick up her pace.

Just when she was about to spin on her heel and completely give up on Calahan's reckless plan, the path finally opened up to quite the breathtaking view, especially with the sun beginning to set: a shoreline of a small lake that John by some miracle still hadn't stained with a Baptism spot. "Rookie?", she hollered as she shoved the map into her back pocket and scanned the area for any signs of life, "Cal? You better not have sent me on a wild goose chase, I swear I won't let you leave it down." Then a sight made her release the breath she was holding as she got confirmation she was where she was supposed to be: a raccoon emerged from one of the overgrown shrubs ahead of her, its small head twisting to look her way. "Zorro, bud.", Mary May rushed to cover the distance that separated them in case Zorro decided to play hide and seek like his human father, "Where did your daddy go? Don't tell me he got into trouble…" The second the words left her mouth, arms wrapped around her from behind and enveloped her in a bear hug, a chuckle breezing over her skin before Calahan smushed his cheek to hers, "I'm right here, Angel. Was starting to think you won't show and it would be just me and Zorro again." There was a note of vulnerability to his playful tone, causing her heart to skip a breath as she covered his hands with her own, and their fingers intertwined. Zorro followed suit, paws encircling her leg, "Your little map and note certainly piqued my interest." Calahan swayed lightly, and she tried to stop herself from melting into his body when his lips brushed over her cheek, "I knew mystery would do the trick. How do you like my favorite place in the Valley?" "It's… peaceful. Almost like there's no war going.", Mary May muttered slowly, wishing she hadn't asked the next question the moment it escaped her, "You bring other girls here?" He let out a deep laugh, making the ugly feeling inside her fester further. Jealousy. "Never mind, Rookie.", her attempt to shrug off his hug was unsuccessful as he held on then as swiftly as he had embraced he twirled her around to face him, hands coming to rest on the small of her back.

"Calahan." "What?" He smirked, "That's my name, Mary May. You back to actin' all disinterested? Calling me Rookie?" Mary May shifted her eyes to a spot on his shoulder, annoyance swooping in at how easy he was able to read her and how satisfied he seemed with that ability. "Jealousy, Angel, not something I ever imagined from you. But damn, if it's not addicting… You know why? It means you care for me." His hand cupped her face and forced her to raise her gaze back to his before he continued, "Just my favorite people, Mary May. You, my son, my boys, Sabrina. Made the mistake to drag Pratt here once, kept complaining he couldn't catch any fish, the fucker." A couple of beats passed where she found herself unable to stop herself from returning his smile, "Damn it, Cal." "What?", Calahan asked in amusement. "I wish I hadn't… waited so long." His thumb storked her cheek as he nodded knowingly, "Me too. Come now, the view's about to get even better when the sun dips completely." He grasped her hand, leading her down the shore until they stopped at a blanket, one he had no doubt taken from her closet, on top of it was an old picnic basket, another thing of hers. She lowered herself to sit next to him as he started to pull out food and laying it down on the free space, "Let me guess, you rummaged through my fridge, too?" "Nope. Well, kind of... Drinks are on you, yes... but", he offered her a cheeky grin, "Dinner's on John tonight." Mary May raised an eyebrow, making him add, "I looted one of his trucks on the way. Don't worry, I left him a little thank you note." "Of course you did." She leaned her head on his shoulder as they watched the sunset with Zorro nestling comfortably at her feet. For the first time in a long while, she realized she felt… happy and as much as she hated to admit it - it scared her, because in her experience the rare feeling never lasted. John Seed always managed to slip in at those moments and destroy any source of happiness. Her calm life before the Project. Her family. Her father's business. The fragile peace that held on for surprisingly too long in his region. Yes, she was afraid. Afraid he'd take Calahan away from her, too.

[bitterflames]

list the first line of your last 10 (posted) fics and see if there's a pattern (tagged by @sunriseverse on main, tyty! 💛)

...i've only got 9 posted fics so we're gonna have to make do lol. talk about inspiration to get off my arse and finish some of my wips >.>

1. how to deflower your martial brother (wo jia dashixiong naozi you keng, dongfang wuqiong/gong changsheng) Gong Changsheng had noticed this when he was younger, the way Dongfang Wuqiong would sometimes press a hand to his chest as though in pain, the recurring cough he’d shrug off as a minor seasonal affliction. 2. what's in a name? (mysterious lotus casebook, di feisheng & fang duobing) He didn’t mean to keep it, but something about the helpless little bundle of cream-coloured fur had stirred his heart. 3. no takebacks (mysterious lotus casebook, fang duobing/li lianhua) Li Lianhua is teasing him about his supposed upcoming marriage to the princess again, in that way he does sometimes that’s more of a defensive mechanism than anything. 4. to gravity and the unknown (elder scrolls online, verandis ravenwatch/prince naemon) It’s cold. 5. you and me and a bottle of wine (baldur's gate 1, player character/xan) Beregost is a welcome sight after weeks of trudging up and down the Sword Coast at the mercy of the elements, the wildlife both mundane and monstrous, and the seemingly endless roving gangs of bandits. 6. hold me tight and fear me not (baldur's gate 2, player character/xan) The dark elves are not much for merrymaking, Ceru thinks as she sips at her second tankard of black mead; in all her travels, she’s never seen a tavern so quiet. 7. snow and repetitions of snow (elder scrolls online, mannimarco/vanus galerion) Vanus Galerion sank into his bathtub wearily, the troubles of the day weighing heavily upon him. 8. a light that does not flicker (elder scrolls iv: oblivion, hero of kvatch/martin septim)

Nevos could only watch, mute and uncomprehending, as Martin was enveloped in a blaze of light so bright it hurt his eyes to watch.

9. into the abyss (elder scrolls iv: oblivion, hero of kvatch/martin septim) Blue, all around him is blue, a placid calm sky that stretches on in all directions as far as he can see. taking "first line" as the first full sentence, which... lol. if there's any consistency in these it's that i am very inconsistent! past tense, present tense, rambling run-on sentences or just "it's cold"? no pattern no rhyme no reason baby!!!

tagging! @shararan @strandedchesspiece uhh i think i've seen this one around a bit, i'm not sure who else has done it! any writer friends who are interested pls feel free to do the thing and @ me about it 💛