#typed out a long ass vent immediately deleted it

[dagasinfilo]

[deldeldel90]

THE PASTEL PRINCESSES IF THEY WERE TUMBLR USERS

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- lorena!! ksysiss ok but like!! she'd def be on tumblr whenever she needs to say smth

- has terrible grammer thats inconsistent and messy

- types in caps more than she should

- reblogs memes n pictures of cats in hats

- talks abt her family all the time, especially abt gwen

- does shitty doodles of her mutuals

- does a lot of copypastas

- has a very lowkey account, not many people know about it

- says a lot of puns (half of them don't even work)

- sometimes her posts r just "had a blye shshhie?!" and then there's whole ass essays abt the usage of camouflage

- has twenty backup accounts

- is into military history!! reblogs interesting facts abt it and adds her own lil comments

- if you're her mutual, she'll be reblogging and liking every post of yours, will give you literally all of her support

- lorena is always there to talk to somebody !! she's kinda awkward sometimes but she makes up for it by being persistent and a bit hyper when you really get her going

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- Maria! <33

- ok so she's literally a sweetheart

- big sister vibes whos always willing to give credit to others and is super chill to talk to

- has really good grammer, messes up a few times but overall, she uses commas and barely has an typos

- gets a lot of anon asks, always talks to them like they're her long lost besties, super natural n caring

- she makes her own gifs!!

- talks abt her crush sometimes

- links her pinetrest

- writes fanfics and keeps it the biggest secret of her life, her followers only know bc she makes way too many references to ao3 fics

- lowkey a fangirl ngl, will gush her heart out and makes edits and fancams

- she keeps her identity (apart from her voice) a complete secret, like, you wouldn't even know the color of her hair

- reblogs a lot of facts n pictures of birds and in her rbs, she talks abt her experiences w them

- keeps a pastel blue aesthetic to her blog

- most of her text posts are her discussing bozart and asking for advice for her singing

- is always really excited to talk to people!! has a good amount of tumblr friends and is just really nice

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- GWEN!!! gwennie gwen gwendolyn!!

- she's gen the sweetest

- like ever <333

- this girl.... she's not very open and has a hard time telling if somebody likes her but does try to be kind to everybody

- shares a lot of baking recipes nd pictures of her own baking

- is really shy

- recorded herself talking once and immediately deleted it

- will sometimes vent in a very smash keyboard way whenever she's stressed

- mostly reblogs things to do with baking but also reblogs comfort posts that makes her happy

- doesn't discuss how she looks at all

- takes pictures of moss nd overgrown and thinks they're really pretty

- uses emoticons like ^^ and :)

- has a really really close group of five or so friends she met on tumblr and really wants to message them but is too scared she's bothering them

- wet sad fluffy kitten energy

- quotes from romance books and pictures of buttered bread

- her blog is the definition of comfort <33

- reblogs pictures of a bunch of funky animals and coos over them in the tags

- if you get to know her she's really really nice and will probably want to send you baked goods

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- jamie....

- this mans blog is half chaos half reviewer

- reblogs leo's posts (because he def has a tumblr too) literally all the time, usually like "how r you texting this in jail ://"

- does food reviews literally all the time, probably has a YouTube channel too

- gets asks all the time 😭😭 answers them all on one tuesday morning out of the blue

- 6/10 grammer, no attempt to do better, internet slang makes up half of his vocabulary

- uses 'ngl' when its not needed at all

- uploads a lot of pics of food, some of his own, some of others

- talks in tags, speaks in lowercase 1/3 of the time

- this man either capalizes everything or nothing... good for him!!

- has 82 drafts and is waiting for the right moment to post em

- compares his sister's cooking/baking to everything like "hmmm this lasagna is alright but my sister, Gwennie's,...."

- is accidently aesthetic.. everything this man posts just happens to have pink in it idk

- probably uses fonts tbh

- reblogs light academia/pastel royal/literally any type of cat aestheyic posts

- uses emojis ironically

- jamie honestly is a pretty chill guy and also enjoys talking to people :) sometimes he'll just hit somebody up and be like "that pasta you made has supreme good vibes,,, care to tell the recipe??"

- uses a lot of question marks and expscmation marks

- shows his face a lot !! Along with his outfits and bracelets nd stuff

- posts about his life a lot, doesn't really care if somebody finds out this is him because he's really open abt it

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[steve0discusses]

Yugioh S5 Ep 19: Yugi and the Only Neck Accessory He Didn’t Really Want to Wear

Been busy! Hopefully stuff will open up soon as I’m taking a hiatus on a different quarantine project and will be finishing painting the entire roof of my car this week? One can hope. Sanding the rust off the whole top of a car takes a long time it turns out?

Also, fun Yugioh fact, I recently painted a book cover for an author who is older so she’s never seen the show, and she looked at my tumblr, saw my Duke Devlin fanart and was like “That’s him. That’s my main character. OMG. You captured him perfectly!” and I was like “Ma’am that is Duke Devlin, hence the single dice earring on his lobes there, but we can work with this.” and now a spiritual Duke Devlin is on the cover of a Wuxia-style fantasy trilogy on the Vella. Had to give him a top knot and delete the eyeliner for Wuxia reasons but uh, that’s just Duke.

So long story short, fanart can get you work, don’t even worry about posting that stuff online because most people don’t even know it’s fanart anyway and older ladies freakin love it.

Back in Yugioh, the team was doing their best to navigate a map through the woods and they do about as well as they normally do.

And inside Tristan lifted up the floorboards and was like “I found the only way out, this is it, this is the only way.”

And they ended up in something that has a color scheme I would actually associate with a jungle. Finally. We have finally left California (in order to go to another Hell.)

Youknow, when we went to California, we visited Hell, and when we went to India, we also took a stop at the nearest death destination. There’s just so much death on this show and sometimes I forget because there’s been a ghost in our party for so freakin long it’s been normalized.

(read more death imagery under the cut)

Joey freaks out at a flock of crows and reveals in this episode something I never realized about him before.

Like I’m not always the perfect observer as I’m sure you’ve noticed, but I love that this is canon for probably only this episode, but I will never forget it for the entirety of this series.

You go on hating birds, Joey.

Bro was like “Maybe it’s a deep cut about Mai Valentine because she’s a harpy lady” but eh...pretty sure we spent like an entire season of Joey telling us that Mai was a good experience? Would be incredibly funny if immediately after all of S4, Joey was like “You know what? Screw Mai, guys.”

So my thoughts...it’s probably just a literal bird experience. Like I had a friend who hated deer because once she went to a petting zoo, got some pellets to feed the deer, but her finger was sticking up, so when the deer came over to nibble on some pellets her finger went up it’s nose by accident. She was so disgusted by this event that was entirely her fault, that she brought up how much she hated deer basically whenever we saw one.

So like...maybe Joey fed a bird wrong at a petting zoo. I can see him getting bit by a parrot because he was too Joey Wheeler.

But now that we’re in a graveyard neighborhood, Pharaoh decides to hop out because there’s a lot of ghosts here and he needs to practice socializing with his peers.

So that’s just a Yugioh monster doing the ostrich dance, right? Like this is a meme from like 2010 but on Yugioh in 2003(4?)

Good to see the Ostrich dance here in the land before Vine.

So they pull out their Pokemon to do some antics, Tea looked like she was about to do something useful, and Yami does a yump across time and space to get her as far away from playing (not)cards as quickly as possible and y’all...sure was a position these animators animated.

Holy crap.

And I was going off about that scene last season where they woke up in the same bed like...

...have these two been together this entire time? Like together together?

They’re like...way more comfortable than you’d figure they’d be considering Yugi nearly passes out every time he gets a hug. But Yami just like....How long has this been going on? As long as Joey’s fear of birds?

Like obviously this show would never cover what the hell Yugi may be thinking about this overreaching move here, because we’re gonna gloss right over that, and just run away up a flight of stairs. No one mentions this ever again. Which is mind blowing for an anime to do. I think in most anime I watch, the kids would be like “ahh ahhhh I bumped into a booooob!” like it does for I want to say every other episode of My Hero Academia. But in Yugioh, they saw that low hanging fruit and they were like “we expect a higher level of maturity out of our audience. Now here’s a fleet of ostrich dancing tree monsters with faces for crotches.”

They decided to sprint up this flight of stairs, and it enough of a slope to deter the monsters who are only unbalanced weird legs.

I want us to take a moment and admire this background painting. I can’t unsee the rocks that are all the same size, just piled on top of eachother. Did Alexander the Great just plop rocks here--or was the mountain made up of tons of similarly shaped boulders?

Like there’s a lot of nice bg’s in this arc, don’t get me wrong, but this one...I’m just trying to wrap my head around the logic of it.

At the top, they meet a pantheon, that is immediately blocked by this wall, because if this arc had a tagline, it’s “Yugi gets inconvenienced every 4 seconds.”

Bro was like “Clearly they would have pushed it over if Tea wasn’t slacking off” and like...she is actually. Look at her. Only used one hand? Slacker.

Joey was disappointed he couldn’t push over a massive wall, and the team decided not to analyze how much Joey Wheeler thinks of his own strength and instead fixate on these statues.

Usually in anthro characters they kinda look birdlike but act human. But what about an anthro that’s just a bird? Like human torso, but can turn his head 180 degrees? Yugioh made me ask this question.

And then Joey was like “wait, there may be a solution that isn’t just to use brute strength!”

Youknow it is a bummer that Kaiba couldn’t witness Joey own a dragon while he himself only has a robot jet dragon. Although, the jet is probably faster, stronger and overall...better than this baby dragon. It would have been great for Kaiba to witness Joey under-utilize this dragon and forget he has it for like huge swatches of the episode.

And then Grandpa pulled some body horror out of nowhere.

Wow.

I mean that is really gross.

I guess Grandpa can’t use Blue eyes, because Kaiba ripped it up, Grandpa can’t use Exodia because Weevil tossed it off a boat, and grandpa can’t use the card that’s just a building because...it’s a building.

So instead Grandpa has a bunch of meat and bones that look like something out of Doom. It’s probably from a more obscure Konami property, but I forget which.

I’ve seen Tristan hold back Joey in this hold, first time it’s been Tea.

So much shipping in this episode, it’s wild.

It’s also wild how low my standards are for what could possibly be shipping when it comes to Yugioh because of how freakin tepid all of these characters are, which as I’ve brought up before, I really don’t mind.

So Yugi decides that because Grandpa was folding his arms like one monster and it made a gem light up or something, to just do the video game thing and use the giant ass statues as clues.

Why was this arc not a video game? Like parts of it really feel like it was meant to be.

So Yugi falls down a hole, where the walls cave in like it’s that dumpster in Star Wars but like...it barely phases him.

Also...Yugi might be able to see in the dark. It’s never been brought up but like...the more I think about it...has Yugi ever struggled to see without the lights on?

After Joey disappoints everyone, he confronts death.

And Pharaoh and Yugi decide to solve the puzzle of “how do I get out of this trap dungeon room” which, honestly, is probably what they’re doing every time they hang out in the brain pyramid.

So they summon their mascot monster, and surprisingly the show decided its ability to fly cannot help them out here.

Kuriboh manages to become enough of a doormat to push Yami up to the stone and they end up in a set of weird cuts that ended in this?

Like seriously it was like flashes of light and then they were just...up here like this.

Hey like...

Alexander the Great, my man...

Were you planning to put that stone in the middle of a exhaust vent hoping someone would touch it? Because there’s no way anyone would rationally have done that. You would need to fly to do it. This is the world’s worst DM.

Like Yugioh pulls a lot of fantasy nonsense but this arc is a lot more like a “it’s a kid’s show, just go with it.” arc than most of them. It’s not a bad vibe, necessarily, it’s just not the vibe I’m used to.

So once I witnessed maybe the most boring conversation I’ve ever witnessed about corn (this was on a twitch stream, by the way, a guy was playing an interesting game, and then a guest came on and started talking about corn and plants for 2 hours) and they would not shut up about how all taxonomy is wrong because there are no such thing as trees and how all animals are labelled incorrectly, and then they started comparing it to like all sorts of mushrooms and phytoplankton as you would if you clearly got a little bit high before dumping your corn knowledge on a twitch stream.

Anyway, after that bizarre experience I suffered so I could learn how to play an obscure video game, I think I can safely say, that while I know everyone here thinks a bird can’t be a dog. If you’re a high biologist: a bird is absolutely a dog. Apparently you can just do that if you’re the most boring biologist alive and no one will argue with you because to do that would involve talking to you. We’ll just say a bird is a dog and no one can fight me or I will talk about the corn book that this guest on this twitch chat was thinking about renting from the library about the different types of corn mutations inherent in freakin Indiana. Therefore, Joey’s fear of birds and dogs is same.

So they use Dark Magician to save them from the statues, and Yugi busts into the pantheon again because they got to open this casket before a time limit that I kind of forgot about, tbh.

And inside the casket, is...this thing!

(enjoy this line on the bottom of the image I don’t feel like fixing it)

And you may say to yourself...it looks like it’s just floating in mid-air, that’s silly, and so I want to introduce you to the next panel where you can see that it is...quite literally...just floating in the air like a video game.

and it just slurps itself onto Yugi before he can be like “nonono.”

Wasn’t there some horror movie where you were stuck in some sort of body brace that slowly tortures you (was that Saw?) This has that vibes. Like man that looks uncomfortable to wear over a jacket and two belts and a collar that is another belt.

That and I...I gotta appreciate that Yugi popped his collar while wearing body armor and chunky necklace. What 00′s fashion appreciation right there.

Bit like...this isn’t breathable, right? Like Yugi’s gonna finally take this thing off and his jacket will just be completely soaked in sweat?

Anyway, that’s it for this post, next week we’ll see if Yugi can walk through a doorway in that thing.

Also, I can’t bring up the ostrich dance without sharing the vines of my generation

[sukirichi]

— 💌 ; a love letter from @kyriaan

long post below regarding broken records. cw includes adultery, physical assault, toxic relationships, broken records spoilers, and mature content

[ from the ask ] BROKEN RECORDS ; track 005

Okay! I finally had time to actually sit down and properly read chap 5 cause ill be damned and burned if i dont pay special attention to one of my favorite series here! Rather drown or be sting by bees slowly 😒

🙂🙂🙂🙂🙂🙃 I for the first time don't even know where to start so allow me to be all over the place cause my emotions are also all over the place with this chapter ✌️

Ill start by y/n's dad caN GO FUCK HIMSELF? Like okay sir you might have fallen in love with our mom (ill give him the benefit of the doubt regarding his feelings) BUT SIR YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN HONEST? FROM THE BEGINNING? ALSO BRUH YOU KIDDING ME??? SIR YOU LEGIT ABANDONED YOUR OTHER DAUGHTER AND THEN YOU PROCESS TO 'LEAVE US' I- YOOOOO I WOULD BITCH SLAP HIM I SWEAR!!

Also ALSO ILL SCREAM FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK NO KID HAS EVER TO BE BLAMED FOR BEING BORN!! Y/n mom's line: 'we have to atone for our sins' its legit BULLSHIT it wad NOT y/n fault her DAD COULDNT KEEP HIS DICK INSIDE HIS PANTS NOR ITS Y/N FAULT THAT HER DAD CHEATED!!! ATONE FOR OUR SINS MY ASS!! the father is the one that has to take responsibility for all this shitty situation we do NOT nor any kid out there in this situation has to be taken accountable by this!!

And now Suna 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 bruh im just gonna cry... Everything he does just makes me heart swell i feel so cozy when i read his parts like how sweet and present he is I- bruh I never had that... Actually seeing y/n breaking up with him when shes clearly falling in love with him just breaks me cause Girl for real Suna would be there for you... I get it shes afraid and shes acting on that fear but girl... Pls he truly loves you deeply not everyone is like your dad. There are happy endings. There are good people Sunas one of them pls 🥺🥺🥺 also MY LOVE TSUMU BEING A SUPPORTIVE FRIEND EVEN THO SUNA GOT THE GIRL BRUH TSUMU I FUCKING LOVE YOU MY CHILDISH YET ADORABLY SMUG BOY 😭😭😭😭😭

Nagisas a bitch btw ✌️ so far i see no redemption not excuse in what she did so far. I get her reasons but that does NOT excuse her behavior. She has to lash out at her cunt of a dad not at a innocent woman who was also a victim all along. Nor even her half sister. I get her mentality behind this but doesnt excuse her behavior at all- its basically the same as being a victim from a bully and playing bully after aswell.

Overall YOU MADE ME CRY AGAIN SUKI! I LOVE YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS BUT ALSO UGH MY HEART SUKI!

[ from suki ] 

BROKEN RECORDS IS UR FAVE SERIES??? babe pls you’re gonna me cry !! nah nah fr his dishonesty caused all this mess. YEAHA SAKLAA tbh I love mama lucy but her words of ‘atoning for their sins’ or her mindset of ‘we don’t deserve to be happy when we’ve hurt others’ really messed up YN. she was only 21 and vulnerable with all the shambles happening in her family + the sudden assault from nagisa, that when her mother said those words, she struggled to let go of it. to her, it became like a final verdict that dictated how she lived her life.

SUNA URGHHH PLEASE GIVE SUNA A CHANCE HE HAS PURE AND GOOD INTENTIONS BUT I CANT BLAME HER EITHER AHSJAKA. and the comparison of nagisa being a bully’s victim only to become the next bully is true. nagisa should lash out at their shitty excuse of a father. ALSO AAAAHH THE NEXT CHAPTER (007) IS WORSE AHSJKAAL

[ from the ask ] BROKEN RECORDS ; track 005

I know shins attractive I mean mans perfect?? Does he even have any flaw?? And the way he cried when he got his jersey MYGOD FHDHFHFJSKS but I still look at him and im like.... Hmmmm nah i wouldnt date him its just not my... Do i dare say type? Cause i dont think i have a type ghfhfisofbd but like I just 🧍‍♀️

I love him i just dont love him i guess

The makeout scene tho ill give you that 🥵🥵🥵 made me bark (i would still walk out next day like was a good fuck kita byeeee🚉🏃‍♀️💨)

... More drama regarding mari... And you said this will have like 10 chapters... And from 8 on will be angsty.... 🙂 *traumatized noises*

[ from suki ] 

YUUHHH KITA IS PERFECT HERE AHSJKAA IDK MAYBE ITS MY SIMPING FOR NAOYA CONVERTED TO KITA ALREADY BEING PERFECT AS HE ALREADY IS AND I AMPED IT UP BCOS THE SIMP MODE IS ACTIVATED AHSKAA. the make out scene !! pls sir i’m on my knees spare some love in ur heart AAAAAAHHHHHH. also. i assure you. businessman! kita got game. he’s gonna make you walk funny if you give him the chance HSJKA

yeah i just finished writing the outline for track7 right now and the drama is HSJKAA it gave me a headache sobs 

[ from the ask ] BROKEN RECORDS ; track 006

I want to give you my usual thoughts on the new chapter and at the same ahm...

I just saw myself on Suna... Deeply....and it kinda slapped me harder than i was expecting...there were too many things from him giving himself to mari/treating her like he wants to be treated... To deleting his best friend from social media thanks to his girlfriend... And it really hurt me ahah..

I would vent but.. Yeah

But yes this chapter i saw myself in suna and i had to take quite the long breaks cause it was getting to me 😅😅😅 also if anything i learned from my experiences is that MARI SCREAMS RED FLAGS and even Osamu can see that pls

I would honestly end Mari there, i wouldnt even bother to just retort i would walk my way into to the damn apartment and fucking take Suna for myself cause Mari does not deserve him. Shes manipulative, and in a way abusive.. Not allowing him to keep contact with his best friend his a total redflag and o know its because Suna had feelings for y/n and vice versa but Suna never gave het a reason to distrust him.

The moment he said he was best friends with y/n and was single she immediately clinged himself to him and for what? To then dump him like he was trash...

He gave himself to her, he proved he was there for her he even took her back this boy deserves the fucking world and its not Mari...

I kinda want to say it's not y/n at this point either cause the way she broke his heart was kinda the same Mari did.. Y/n disregarded his feelings and just broke it up.. Mari disregarded his feelings abd broke it up... But y/n stated from the very beginning that she would eventually break up Mari just shrugged and didn't care so i can in a way forgive y/n i cant forgive mari

Besides y/n was supportive from the beginning while Mari was obsessive and controlling.

Another really insanely well written chapter as usual (albeit this one making me ball my eyes off harder because yeah) but yes~ eagerly waiting for the next one~

Take your time tho 😌🙌

Mari can go fuck off 💗💓💞💕❣️❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🤎🖤🤍💯💝💖💋💅

Suna x y/n pls

Y/n deserves to have a healthy love life with someone she loves (hence why npt Kita) and loves her back

And Suna deserve the fucking world and be treated right

[ from suki ] 

NAHHHH cuz when you said suna was treating mari the way he wanted YN to treat her... that’s right. on point. they’re all so complicated sobs. MARI IS A WALKING RED FLAG THAT OSAMU CAN SMELL FROM A MILE AWAY. ALSO yes mari is manipulative and borderline possessive when it came to suna. like yeah, let’s be real, she could tell a long time ago that suna was in love with YN and it made her insecure / jealous, but the whole time, YN kept her distance. she was supportive over their relationship from afar as to make mari comfortable. suna also did everything he could to make sure she was well cared for. for three years, he was focused on her and only her. he gave love a second chance despite being brokenhearted. suna never mari a chance to doubt because he, too, was sure he could be happy with her.

until mari left him.

and now suna is back with YN because they will always have each other. but honestly,,,if we think about it, if mari never broke up with suna or at least gave him the chance to explain himself - if mari didn’t do the exact thing YN did to suna years ago - he honestly would’ve been really happy with mari. they were going well. like yeah mari has always been toxic by pushing suna’s boundaries and asking him to unfollow his own best friend on social media, but he did it anyway. because he trusted their relationship. he wanted the best for them. 

also yeah, the parallels between mari and YN were intentional !! 

HEHEHEHE THE KITA X YN SHIP everyone loves them im so happy about that bcos kita is so amazing in my eyes. PREACH FOR THAT THO !! SUNA DESERVES THE BEST. SUNA DESERVES TO BE TREATED RIGHT. HE DESERVES THE WORLD AND SO MUCH MORE

thank you for taking the time to send me this, kya, it means a lot to me and it motivates me to work harder on the future chapters !! <33

[thenuanceddebater]

Personal Post: Why I Disappear

Alright. This has been a long time coming. This might be one of the most open, personal, etc. posts that I’ve made on this blog. I’m not going to hide anything (save for some identifying details), and I’m going to go through messy stuff like emotions and whatnot. So, I’m putting it under a read more. Please do not think that you need to read this if you don’t want to. 

When I first started this blog, I was in undergrad and almost failing out. I had some family issues going on with my grandfather (who is now deceased due to what I could charitably call medical malpractice to the point where it helped change a national procedural standard), and I was hurting. I didn’t have many (or really any) friends, and I needed something to vent to. I made an account to shout into the void – to post long content that wouldn’t ever really get popular or any traction whatsoever for my own benefit. I needed a place where I could yell at people and feel smart. I really didn’t think anything would ever happen, or that I’d even get like... 50 followers.  And then my content it kind of... did take off to  a degree. 

I wasn’t really prepared for that, but at the time it was really fun. I’ve got a bit of an obssessive/ addictive personality, and tumblr became an addiction. At first, that was okay. I was involved in the culture-war discourse, but not really taking it any more seriously than I took other things. I had a summer internship during summer 2016 where I would make tumblr posts when I didn’t have enough work to do, and enjoyed talking to some of the friends I made on this platform. Then it got bad. I started disagreeing with people on “my side,” the 2016 election happened and I felt isolated from the left and the right, and the alt-right started to become a real thing on this website. 

Charlottesville is what finally killed it for me. I saw so many people I had at least some respect for trotting out positions that were not only wrong, but odiously wrong. I had acquaintances, classmates, good friends who were affected there. Who were on the ground when it happened. And I know a lot more about Charlottesville than most people on this website. I got sick and tired of having to defend myself, of having people who didn’t know what they were talking about speak back on issues that they did not fully understand. At that point, tumblr became toxic for me. And it’s never really come back. It just took me a while to realize it. 

I deleted the tumblr app from my phone in fall 2017, and it’s never come back. I took what was originally intended to be a 3 month sabbatical from tumblr, and then realized that I didn’t want it back in my life. It had kind of... fulfilled its purpose, and I was on to new things. I got a job, and started studying for law school. Then I got into law school. Tumblr was the last place I made that announcement. I used the fact that I had “gotten busy” as an excuse, but that’s not fully accurate. Yes, I was and am very busy. But if I really wanted to, I could make time to post. Maybe not the pages, upon pages, upon PAGES that I used to. But something. What it really was is that I no longer wanted to. The way this website works, at least on the political side, pushed me away. 

Alright, now a MAJOR confession time. I have a lot of anxiety. As in, diagnosed “I went to therapy for a year to help deal with it” anxiety. I’m not in therapy anymore, and I cope with it pretty well (especially compared to some people I know and have a great deal of respect, love, and admiration for). I’m privileged in that regard. So many people have it worse. But, there are still certain things that trigger an immediate strong anxiety response. One of them is seeing that I have notes that aren’t just reblogs or likes. For some reason, when I see a number above that little lightning bolt (or when I saw the activity tracker go crazy on older tumblr) it just makes my heart start pounding. It’s not that I think I might be wrong. I still welcome correction and critique of my opinions. It’s not that I don’t want people to reblog my stuff, or comment on it. That’s (1) not my choice and (2) absolutely silly. 

It’s more that I’m anxious about how the response is going to make me feel. Some of the angriest I’ve been in recent memory is reading tumblr posts. The angriest I’ve been since the whole... grandfather who was like a father to me died due to medical malpractice thing was when I read a response to a post I made about genocide. The second angriest is when I read a response to a post about Charlottesville. The angriest I’ve been in recent memory is when I read that post that brought me back to the website where people were encouraging others to resist unlawful arrest and citing to a case that was outdated. 

I’m not an angry person. I don’t like annoying myself like that. But for some reason, I just can’t help myself sometimes. The number of times I’ve been annoyed enough to want to respond to something in recent memory is... quite high. Sure, there are times where I come back just because I want to check my messages, see something positive, or a question and then am inspired to write something. But that’s not what it usually is. Not really. It’s usually the educator/ elitist in me who wants to correct something that he sees as wrong. And when that thing is dangerously wrong or disingenuously wrong, well that creates some emotions considering that I like to believe that people operate in good-faith and this website really stretches that belief sometimes. And sometimes I can deal with that, and sometimes it really, really bothers me. 

I’ve also discovered that I really don’t get very much from tumblr. I used to use it as shouting to the void, and as an activity I could do other than just playing video games and procrastinating on my school work. Well, I do a lot of things now. I have a lot of friends now, and more school work and obligations to student organizations, law journals, my summer internships, etc. I used to use tumblr as a way to feel like I was smart. To feel like I mattered and that I could do great things. I have other ways of doing that, as well as a lot more internal self-esteem and external validation of that self-esteem. Back when I made my tumblr, I was convinced that I was a bad person. Now, I know I’m not, and am in fact a pretty good person. Back when I made my tumblr, I had no outlet for the intellectual energy other than my long-term girlfriend and school work. Now, I have so many outlets for that energy, that it’s honestly mindboggling. Oh, and I still have that same now very-long-term girlfriend (just in case anyone was curious. Our ten year anniversary is next year. I’m 25. I’ve been dating this woman for almost 40% of my life. And she’s honestly fucking amazing, brilliant, and I’m so damn lucky to have her.). It’s not like I’m starved for interaction or avenues to pursue anymore. When I made my tumblr, I was convinced that I’d fucked my life up to such a degree that I was never really going to be able to un-fuck it. Now, I’ve shown myself that I was wrong. I was really, really wrong. About a lot of things, but especially that. I’m not the same person as when I made my tumblr. Not at all. And that’s a really good thing. 

But when I go and look at some other people, some other blogs that I used to follow/ still follow (I’m not going to name names), I don’t see that kind of change. I see that they are still the same (or very similar) people. It’s been years. They’re talking about the same things, using the same words, etc. That’s... crazy to me. When I logged on to tumblr this fall and I saw that fucking Charlottesville was somehow still a debate topic, I just about lost it. There’s a post I made that accurately summarizes some of the emotions I felt, but really a lot of it was that this website is Neverland. If you stay here, you likely never grow up. All that happens is that the Wendys, Johns, and Michaels decide that they want to grow-up, and leave to go and do so. So, all that’s left are the Peter Pans and Captain Hooks engaged in constant warfare about the same things for weeks, months, years. And when a Wendy, John, or Michael decides to come back well. Neverland is still the same. Welcoming them back to the same fight that they remember from years ago – from when they were a different person. I don’t know why, but that’s just so damn sad to me. There’s a reason why my old bio said “just a human striving endlessly for the perfection that he can never hope to attain.” Because that’s what I do. And tumblr has kind of an... anathema to that and is antithetical to the concept. 

So, tumblr gives me little to nothing, pisses me off, and its never-changing or evolving nature makes me sad and goes against my very being. So, why come back at all? That’s... a damn good question. Not really sure that I can answer it. I suppose the answer has to be that there’s no good reason to come back, but that I will likely continue to do so anyway. Call me a masochist if you must, but sometimes there’s something that I want to share (or that I think the people who SOMEHOW still follow this dead-ass blog should know), or an idea that I think is useful, or I just so happen to type a “t” on my keyboard and tumblr gets pulled-up and I see something and decide to post on it, etc. and I come back. VERY temporarily. Only until I’m pulled away or driven away again. I think that’ll probably keep happening. At least to some degree. 

Will I ever come “back” like I was in undergrad or the summer before I got my job? I don’t know. Signs point to “no,” but I’ve been wrong before. I’ve been oh so very wrong before. And maybe I’m wrong about what tumblr gives me. Maybe I can have a healthy relationship with this website to the point where the reblogs don’t give me anxiety, and I’m not either sad or angry (to some degree) when I make a response. But right now, I really doubt it. And I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed anyone, but that’s just where I am right now. 

So yeah. I think that’s it. I’ll be around temporarily right now (my internship has really good hours, and I’ve got time in the evenings before I game with friends and talk to my girlfriend to take a look at some things). But come the end of August, I’ll likely be gone again. Maybe even before that. I’m not going to close this blog (because I’ll likely be back again), but content or opinions are never going to be consistent. 

If anyone wants to talk, feel free to message me, send an ask, etc. Seeing as I’ve basically dumped a lot of stuff at once (and broken some of the wall separating “TND” from me as a person) I’m down to answer pretty much anything. 

[universal-kitty]

.: Drama Involving AJ :.

   Stylized ‘til I die, I guess. Anyways.

   This is talking about phasefuck/huckerbee/teafrogs/whatever their URL is this week. AJ/Lee. The compilation of what’s happened involving them.

   So... Starting at the beginning.

   D was the reason I got into Borderlands. I watched her play TFTBL and gush about Rhys and get more involved and understand the ship she had! Also got my first crush on Zer0, but... Y’know.

   So I did some art, started plotting ideas for who’d eventually be Gremlin- aka Rena Marlow, my SI for BLands- and that led...to us meeting AJ. They wanted me or D to join their server. D preferred because of her self-ship with Rhys, but I could join, too. D was nervous about new, strange people and I wanted to learn more about Borderlands and try new things, so... I hopped in, D stayed behind.

   The time with them was pretty fun! Ended up making some friends, plotted fun ideas for AJ’s idea of the time, Borderlands Infinite. A continuation of Tales as AJ saw it. The server was made PRIMARILY for this endeavor and everyone in it was allowed an OC or self-insert to be paired with whoever they wanted to be with....long as they were open, that is. AJ had HJack, and everyone else... Well, most of the spares had been paired off by the time I joined.

   Rhys was potentially still open, cause someone AJ had previously been talking with...either wasn’t responding, or had dropped out entirely. I forget by this point. Zer0 wasn’t an option and I didn’t know much of the others, so.... I accepted Gremlin to be paired with Rhys.

   Thus the origins of my verse with Rhys. (As well as the OT3 with him and Vaughn... They started here.)

   Tension was pretty high in the group and- though I didn’t acknowledge it at the time- it was primarily from AJ. Nobody else could like Handsome Jack “too much”... You could be playful about him, a little joke-flirty...but if you were suspected to like HJack, then you were “stealing” him from them. Because of this- while the group was friendly enough- it was hard to get into the “share faves” vibe that a lot of us seemed to have; gushing about a character that wasn’t your own just......felt weird.

   Not sure if anyone else noticed, but that was my experience.

   Anyways, I helped AJ with their story a lot due to being online a ton, with no work to do. We talked on the daily about what Rena could do, what Helios was like, how the story would go... The long-term slowburn we were putting Rena and Rhys through. I praised their art and ideas, they cheered for Rena/Rhys. It was pretty mutually supportive....

   ...Until AJ kicked fits. I was always online, so what about everyone else?? When I wasn’t online- sometimes if I was- I’d get put on a pedestal for helping out while others said nothing. (Essentially saying something like “Aki helps out all the time, but nobody else does” or, the popular one, “maybe I should just delete this since nobody cares.” I don’t have screenshots of this for reasons that’ll be explained in a moment.)

   We typically talked them out of these, but eventually... It did happen. AJ messaged me that the old group had been deleted and there was now a new group of only the ACTIVE people. This left me and a few others, thought some other people would eventually cycle in. (One of which still being someone I look up to even today!! Even if we don’t talk much, lol.)

   I got more creative freedom during this time, since other people “lost out” in their spots and... Somehow, this led to me taking on Nisha, too. I paired her with my OCs, Pyrotech and Meowzer. (Ex-Creepypasta OCs revamped for BLands. Is this my origins for my Nisha ship? Kinda!!!)

   But by this point... I had grown to *really* like HJack. I’d made a slip before (more on that later), but learned his character very well and even played him for roleplays AJ and I were doing. AJ played themself and Rhys; I controlled Jack and Rena. All that research led to feelings....and ones I knew AJ wouldn’t approve of. So I did two things, right off the bat: kept my head down and immediately worked on justifying why I liked him. See, it’s because...it’s not the “canon” Handsome Jack!! The one I ship with has golden clasps! So they’re not the same!! And uhhhh....more bad things happened to him? He dresses more lavishly...?

   I kept trying to come up with ways AJ might approve of my AU Jack without invoking their wrath. Not that...it would end up doing much, in the long run.

   I invited one of my friends to join during this. One who also liked HJack...and proved my worries right. (Checked my Discord; I still have some of the messages!!! Whoop, here we go...)

   Don’t have screencaps of the drama that proceeded to unfold- especially due to AJ blocking me on Discord and so losing all of our conversation- but.... That’s just how THAT is, I guess.

   They did get super cold after and I had to explain things to my friend, while also assuring AJ that I would handle things and it’d be alright. It was an uncomfortable hiccup, but one that went by easily enough...

   Though as I said, it was a significant event to show me how careful I needed to be when it came to HJack and AJ.

   Also during this time... Another friend I’ll just refer to as P. We’d also been roleplaying in this time and having a blast. Absolute joy and- we don’t talk much anymore- but I do still consider them a dear friend. I played as CEO Rhys for them and they were Handsome Jack for me; we played our characters (my SI, their OC) and just... Had so much fun with it all.

   So then... Amidst all the fun, it eventually happened.

   What I described in this callout post.

   AJ and I...we ended up dating at some point. I thought they were cool, we got along well, talked a LOT and all this... So I didn’t see a problem with it. Why not? I’ll get to have an awesome artist S/O with their cool ship and all their ideas... We’re gonna be unstoppable!

   ...But I also had abandonment issues. Too many times did I pour my all into someone, only to be left empty. I’ve always been the most supportive person in a room, trying to uplift EVERYONE to feel good! Cause yeah, everyone deserves that! AJ knew this. We’d talked about our issues and vented.....

   And they still did that.    They left my server as I slept. Blocked me on Discord, though I didn’t notice it at first.

   ...It was the one day I checked Tumblr first. They left their blog for a new one. Okay!! I’ll follow them on there, then! I did, and checked Discord. That was in the vent channel, and this was sent to me by a mutual friend.

   So that’s how I woke up that day. Suddenly alone and single. And very, very depressed. I would end up posting these as my friends had to help me down:

“ ……now I wish I would’ve gotten lost after all or kept sleeping ….nothing is work being awake right now”

“ I just don’t want to exist I hate myself all over again I can’t get past that”

“ AJ just…..dropped me. Just like that. I didn’t know and tried to follow her new blog….. Either they just soft-blocked me or outright blocked me

“I feel so fuckin’ horrible”

   At the time, I was horribly depressed due to outside causes. I was suicidal at the time and getting into some light, risky behavior in hopes it could be a factor in the end of my life. (I would walk around at night, hoping that the growing heat would either cause heat exhaustion or someone would attack me. Abduct me. Whatever meant that I would be gone and in pain.)

   I later learned that this is actually learned behavior; my dad would react in extremist ways to things (something broke? “I want to kill myself.”) and so I probably learned it from him. This has actually made managing my suicidal thoughts easier, but at the time, I did not know this and put me more at risk.

   Though this then kept continuing.... Because of course these things do.

   It starts all over with me trying to move on. Someone was advertising their self-ship server, I wanted to try again and make friends... So I gave it a shot and joined!

   ....AJ was in there.

   I quickly left as soon as I had entered, telling the owner I couldn’t stay due to troubles with someone else in there. They were understanding and, thankfully, that was that.

   ...But it STILL wasn’t. These are older messages, so I can’t get them together as much as I’d like to (in one screenshot, is what I’m saying) so I’ll also quote these, but if anyone needs screenshot proof, I can get that on request.

   Anyways, our mutual friend (I’ll nickname her MF for “mutual friend” lol) later piped up with this:

05/19/2018 “So, aj invited me to a group chat and I'm a pushover who hasn't been able to cut them off yet so I said yes and boi I'm big uncomfortable now Like I thought I could maybe juggle being friends with both aj and Rachel even after what aj did but I was wrong.

“But idk what do now. I don't know what to say to them because I don't want to just drop them without saying anything. No doubt that'll get them talking about me behind my back”

.:.

“I might try that. I might mute the server so that I don't have to deal with that because i can't stay in it but I don't want to start shit by leaving I mean they are acting like Rachel is in the wrong”

.:.

“That they "stole their f/o" and that they are going to take the dragon idea that Rachel had for blands and "make it better" out of spite And I'm not happy”

.:.

“Well I just typed up a long message and while I'm glad I'll finally cut out a toxic person I'm also super nervous

“I sent it and left the server

“Wow okay all I got was a "Bye then" I sent a long ass message. Explaining my side and why. Hoping they'd understand and they just said bye then??????”

   As you can see.... Everyone who’d been in that server (me, P, and MF) were on-edge about the “talking behind our back” issue that MF confirmed above. I figured it would happen, but it did...and that was a league all it’s own. (Especially when the callout post went around, and it got confirmed AGAIN that slander in my name was still going around.)

   But one more thing happened that triggered this onslaught... Remember my RP w/ P? Well, this happened.... [TW for daddy kink mention? Calling themself Daddy?? That thing.]

   Link to Ask.

   Was never reblogged. Sent to me by a friend. To my knowledge, nobody spread this around AT ALL. But this was brought up in the same vent/time period as the above conversation.....

MF: Aj said that Rachel stole hj from them.

Me: Me, apparently. It's somewhere between that post and the ask (I think?) P sent me..... Which I loved and was hella surprised over, but. Oh boy.

Fren (aka owner of Karma): My god wtf can she like calm tf down

MF: They actually were mad that people were reblogging a post of yours, probably the kitten thing, that was about hj because it's "gross"

Fren: geeze Aj grow up

Me: ??????? Nobody reblogged it, tho

MF: Hmmmmm they vagued about someone shipping with him, someone they had blocked, that liked the daddy kink and stuff

   I mean. I get it’s a gross thing for people, but.... HJack has also called himself “daddy/papa” on more than one occasion. It’s up for debate if he does it because he is Literal Dad or because he’s that nasty, but... Considering everything else he does, the latter seems the most obvious. That’s just how he is.

   Anyways. The point being that we had each other mutually blocked by this point. I had people either block me, soft-block me, OR just outright unfollow + soft-block me because they were more trusting of AJ than of me. So to hear that they somehow knew P was sending me that ask...... Either someone TOLD them or they were stalking my blog to see what I was doing while they were gone.

   Either way, not great. (What was pretty funny is I later made a joke about “stealing the rights to Handsome Jack from 2k so nobody else can do anything with him” and that “I’m a wanted man”... That’s nice.)

   And so... We get to more recently.

   Last I personally heard, I had to do some personal checking that led up to this... Saw leeships in self insert tag. New self-ship blog, so I blocked, as well as checking their blocked main to make sure everything lined up....and was greeted with this.

   They’ve since changed their URL- again- but the fact they’re STILL being petty towards D is just....something else.

   Speaking of, I’m not actually...sure where that started. There was a whole conversation we had over how AJ treated D out of sight of others (they talked over IMs, I guess because we were budding friends at the time, and what else do I do but hype up all my friends?) There was a lot of attention-seeking behavior from AJ (showing their art and then getting mad when D or Fren tried to compliment them for “lying” about the compliment...?), but far as I knew/remember, there wasn’t any bigger issue.

   ...After we broke up, however, an issue began as D and I became better friends. Friends stick with friends, D knew AJ, so when the blocking-bug was going around, D blocked them, too.

   Which eventually snowballed into the bullshit you can still see today. With AJ trying to claim that D is the one dealing out harassment when- at worst- maybe D did talk too much and AJ didn’t deal with it in a healthy way. (Because that is an issue I’ve heard of; except AJ freaked out over it, instead of talking it out like a healthy adult and figuring out how they could balance out the conversation. Seriously. I’ve had this talk with D. We don’t dominate our conversations at all; nobody over the other. If there ever was a problem, then literally just saying “Hey, I don’t feel heard/listened to when I talk about my ship” was all AJ ever needed to say, but....... Y’KNOW.)

   I’m not D, so I can’t say the full scenario of that, but this is the best way I can show there was a middle ground AJ could’ve used to work things out, but they didn’t.

   Oh, and just so I’m not saying things if you haven’t already seen this... Here’s a screenshot someone (for privacy’s sake) got of AJ trying to pin the blame on D for being the “real harasser” in their BYF:

   We all just wanted to get over this. However, D and I especially don’t want to get involved with or be AROUND AJ/Lee in any way. So we keep an eye on what they do so we can feel safe. We DON’T want to forgive AJ/Lee (for obvious reasons), so we keep blocking their accounts and/or make sure they’re still on our blocklist.

   I know I’ve resorted to putting their URLs on BLACKLIST to make sure I don’t see them at ALL because of how much stress they put me under just seeing them around.

   What the hell do THEY have to be stressed about? Dealing with people they hurt for BEING hurt and not wanting them around us anymore?? Fuck....

.:.

    Anyways. I guess that about concludes all I wanted to write about. Friendly reminder that their old callout post is here and while I doubt a new one will crop up any time soon (as I sure don’t want to write one that’ll get around, after the last time I had a friend try to help me do a callout post on someone like this), you can at least look up that one more time after reading this.

   So...... That’s the end. Thanks for reading this and I’m sorry if anything was upsetting.

   ...If you want, you can come to the ask box and ask for a gif of your F/O? Or a cute puppy or kitten? Maybe I can find some nice fanart for you as comfort...? IDK, options.

[stimmyvillainarchive]

WHY does the android app gotta suck so much, when i click the faq link it just like refreshes the page,,,, this happens with all links in bios on the andoird app :[

NNNN lovin this broke ass app.

I’mma go ahead and paste the FAQ just under the cut, hopefully you should be able to read it now :’))

(FAQ is written by Mod Joker)

“Are requests open?”

We get this ask a lot. And while I don’t mind answering, it does get a lilll annoying sometimes since we’re essentially repeating ourselves constantly. Before you ask, please check our ask box! It will ALWAYS give our request status!

From now on if we receive requests when they’re closed, we’re going to delete the message entirely. You’re free to ask again when they’re open, but we need breaks!

“Can allistic/neurotypical people follow?”

Yes! So long as you’re respectful of stimming and understand it’s not an aesthetic or something to make fun of.

“It says there’s two mods, but I only really see Mod Joker post.”

There is! But Mod Boo is rather, well, shy. We both are, tbh. I’ve just gotten used to talking a lot on this blog. And to tell ya the truth I invited her to mod this with me because she considered making a blog but wasn’t sure how she’d do it, and was worried she’d be too awkward/quiet. But she actually tends to see your messages a lot! She just tends to let me handle things. But if you ever wanna talk to her, just say the message is specifically for her and I’m sure she’ll get back to you. She’s very friendly and tbh one of the best people to talk to!!

“How do you make gifs?”

I use the same method stimmybby uses! His tutorial’s right here!

“How do you make banners?”

I use photoshop and for backgrounds (depending on what type of background), I use paint tool SAI. I made a tutorial on how I do it here!

“Can we use your banners for posts that aren’t stim related?”

Absolutely! So long as credit is given and you’re not in our dni, then use it as you like! Discourse posts, art, vent posts, promo posts, whatever floats your boat!

“Can I use your gif/s?”

As long as there’s credit to us for the gif/s and you don’t apply to our dni, you’re free to!

“How can I credit you?”

There’s a few ways! Such as

- Including the credit in the post and/or under the cut (this is the best way people can access the original post and see the credit!

- Include the credit in the post’s captions

- Include the credit in the tags

- Include a link in the post to another post that has the credits in it

- Saying you got the gif/s from us in the post

“What are bad/wrong ways to ”“credit”“ you?”

- Saying “I don’t own these gifs”

- Saying “credit to the original owner(s)/gifmaker(s)

- Straight up not saying you took these gifs from people/including in no credits

- Claiming the gif/s are yours/you made them

If I see any of these I WILL publicly call you out on it and you WILL be blocked immediately thereafter. That block will not be lifted.

“What does REG mean?”

Reactionary Exclusionary Gatekeeper. Meaning people who try to exclude certain queer people from queer spaces. Such a biphobes, transphobes, aphobes, panphobes, and so on.

“What does TERF mean?”

Trans/Transgender Exclusionary Radical Feminist. Meaning radfems who are transphobic and are violent towards trans people (especially trans women).

“What does SWERF mean?”

Sex Worker Exclusionary Radical Feminist. They’re radfems who try to exclude sex worker from their feminism and often treat women attracted to men as less worthy.

“What’s the ADT community?”

ADT stands for “Actually Dysphoric Trans/Transgender” and was created by transmedicalists/truscum to break off from the trans community. It’s an insult to the trans community, an insult to the creator of the transgender pride flag (it’s removed the white that was there for people who ID as non-binary/outside the gender binary), and is there purely to start drama and create rifts in a community that’s already got enough enemies for simply existing in a transphobic world

“He/Him lesbians don’t exist/they’re transphobic towards trans men”

As a trans man who doesn’t think the world revolves around me and who understands that what lesbians decide to do it literally none of my goddamn business: get the fuck over yourself you whiny pissbaby

“What do you mean by people in the true crime community?”

People who sexualize, romanticize, excuse, and/or support serial killers and their actions/crimes. This doesn’t include people who are INTERESTED in the topic of crimes, serial killers, etc but acknowledging how these people are disgusting and their actions are unforgivable.

“Why are you anti-cgl?”

Cause we hate pedophiles and are decent human beings.

“You’re bigoted to kinksters just like homophobes are bigoted to gay people!”

I hate to break it to ya bud but I’m proudly kinkphobic and you’re a giant homophobe!!

“I’m a SFW cgl(re)/littlespace blog so I’m following/interacting uwu”

No the fuck you aren’t!! You’re a kink blog, there’s no such thing as a “sfw kink” even if you’re remaining two braincells are too busy fighting over the last pacifier to tell you some fuckin common sense. Your ass is getting blocked and I’ll also be using your blog to take a look at the people you interact and block them too just for safe measure! Eat a cactus, fuck nugget

“You hate lesbians if you hate TERFs”

You owe every lesbian an apology for assuming they’re all mysogynistic, LGBT+phobic pieces of horseshit like you are. Eat a dick.

“aces/aros aren’t LGBT uwu”

Wow… that’s so wrong Alexa play Fuck You by Lily Allen

“Me/Someone I know/(insert user/s) has been blocked. Why?”

There can be a number of reasons why you’re blocked, and I’m not afraid to block people as I want this place comfortable and safe for the mods and followers. So there’s several reasons as to why.

- You apply to our DNI (see BYF)

- You’re a (insert harmless children’s cartoon) critical blog (I tend to block those due to them saying LGBT+phobic things)

- You get into kin drama

- You’re an ace discourse, pan discourse, bi discourse, and/or overall REG discourse blog (this does not mean I block inherently block discourse blogs! I block the shitty ones)

- You’re a spam/porn/etc bot (if I’ve gotten this wrong, lemme know! I tend to block shady and empty blogs for this reason unless their desc/url/etc says it’s empty/weird for a reason)

- You’re a blog that frequently posts/centers around one or more of my triggers

- You’re an aesthetic blog (though I tend to soft block for them. But this is NOT an aesthetic blog and stimmy is NOT an aesthetic)

- You’re an “anyone can interact” stim blog

- You’re a stim blog that steals/doesn’t credit the gifs they use

- I feel you and I are going to argue and I’m just saving us the trouble of future unpleasant encounter/s

- You’ve been shitty to my friends or just been shitty to people in general and I’ve noticed it

HOWEVER I’ve made slip ups in the past! If you feel you don’t apply to any of these, you can contact me through my main and ask why. Sometimes I don’t always remember why I blocked somebody (sadly there’s a lot of shitheads on this site I’ve needed to block) or I’ve confused one blog for another person’s blog. Or maybe the person was more chill than I thought. Please contact me yourself rather than ask somebody else to do it though so I can get all the details! Even if I don’t lift the block, I won’t report you for block evading or anything.

“You used to be kidheart friendly and now you’re not, why’s that?”

Sadly, Raven (the creator of Kidhearts) has proven to be a bully sympathizer and feels it’s okay to compare agere to kinks/cgl and sides with regressionuncensored. She condones bullying/harassment/the sexualization of minors and I am not nor will ever be okay with that.

“But Raven sai-”

I don’t care what she says. She made it abundantly clear that she supports regressionuncensored and I don’t care that it came back to bite her in the ass. Bullies deserve no support, no sympathy, no nothing. And if you side with her than don’t come near this blog. This is agere safe and I will not allow people who support sexualizing it to interact. Kidhearts WILL be blocked on the spot, no questions asked.

“I’ve left a community on the dni list, can I follow/interact?”

Yes!

“Why are you anti-(insert thing on blacklist here)?”

Camp Camp: It’s racist + antisemitic

Dragon Maid: It’s pedophilic

Killing Stalking: It’s homophobic, ableist, sexist, perpetuates rape culture, and fetishizes abuse

Your Lie in April: It romanticizes child abuse and it literally starts off with a gross pedo joke when we meet the love interest in episode one

Split: It’s ableist

Hetalia: It’s antisemitic

Harry Potter/J.K. Rowling’s works: Actually there’s nothing inherently bad about the story. I just don’t like it. HOWEVER: I can’t stand J.K. Rowling as she’s a TERF/overall LGBT+phobe, and racist. So none of her creations will be featured here.

Sonic Boom: Nothing inherently problematic. I just can’t stand the show because it just fuckin sucks

13 Reasons Why: It romanticizes suicide and the creators refused to listen to actual mental health experts and have made the show potentially dangerous to anyone who even slightly deals with suicidal thoughts/urges

Detroit Become Human: It’s racist + antisemitic

Voltron: Legendary Defender: It queerbaits/it’s LGBT+phobic

“REG is a transphobic term”

I, Mod Joker, am trans. Try again.

“A-specs aren’t LG-”

*buzzer sound* wrong. So sad for you

“You’re not LGBT+ because you DARED disagree with me because you actually acknowledged that tumblr didn’t credit the community sweaty uwu”

We get this shit because a lot of you assume I’m ace or at the very least a-spec. And… Ya couldn’t be far from it. I’m a pan, genderfluid trans man. Even with all your gatekeeper (sorry, BULLSHIT) logic; I’d still be attracted to multiple genders and not be cis. I’m p queer. So no matter which way you slice it, I’m part of LGBT+. Die mad about it.

“You’re comparing aphobes to TERFs and SWERFs you fucking transphobe!”

Wow I didn’t realize setting boundaries meant that I viewed y'all in the EXACT same light. I’m so glad I have the lovely aphobes that have told my friends that they should kill themselves to set me straight.

Asking people not to interact doesn’t inherently mean I think they’re the EXACT same thing.

“Mod Joker is a gif-thief and reposts people’s content without properly crediting them!”

I have made this entire post explaining that’s wrong. Idrc if the post is too lengthy for you. Don’t talk shit if you don’t even have all the details.

Additionally, if you send me somethin about this in a negative light I’m IP blocking you. One strike and you’re out. If you want to believe people with false info and false accusations then that’s your baggage. Not mine.

HOWEVER if I’ve accidentally mis-credited, forgot to/messed up on crediting a person for their gif/video, or so on let me know! I’ll make mistakes, but I never do it intentionally.

[mshellbrat]

Hey guys! Here is my submission for @thebookjumper‘s weekly Olicity Hiatus Fic-A-Thon for the Prompt: Sent to the Wrong Printer. It’s completely unrelated to my two other series but I am still working on both and I hope you enjoy this anyway! I needed some humor and some fluff...I’m worrying myself to death over the new season for nothing because I’m a little crazy...lol. 

If you would like to be tagged in the future when I post new fics please let me know. :-)

Summary:  Felicity is one lone IT gem of a girl in a sea of Chets. She was overworked and underappreciated and then that notorious email got sent to the wrong printer. Her life will never be the same.

Rating: T

Disclaimer: I own NOTHING!...except Chet... :-)

It all started with an email...a PERSONAL email...

Hey Caitie,

So, what did I do last night, you asked? I had the distinct privilege of working until 11:45 pm correcting the idiocy of my fellow IT gremlins. They work in IT, Caitlin! Information Technology! Yet some IGNORAMUS not only clicked on the spyware link he was called to remove from the CEO's COMPUTER, but then he scurried his happy ass out the door and left the mess for ME to clean up! UGH!!!

And why, you may ask, did the CEO of our illustrious and respectable corporation have spyware on his computer? Because I work for Oliver FRACKING Queen, that's why! I don't work for the shrewd and intelligent Robert Queen, who was CEO when I accepted this position with the promise of advancement and a fast-track to the Applied Sciences division. I don't work for the eminently respectable and honorable Walter Steele, who asked for my patience while he delicately found a way to break the contract of my incompetent sexist supervisor. I work for Oliver 'I peed on a cop' Queen! He spent five years on a deserted island, Caitlin! He didn't get his BBA from Coconut University!

Okay, yes, I know I need to breathe. I need to give the CEO playboy extraordinaire the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he DIDN'T catch his spyware from porn browsing during company hours and on the company computer. Maybe it was an honest mistake. Maybe someone used his computer without authorization. But NONE of that excuses the email I received from HR this morning reminding me that as I'm a salary employee, I will not be receiving any extra compensation for the countless overtime hours I put in correcting other employee's mistakes. Believe it or not, I WAS WELL AWARE! I am so tempted right now to replace every data file in this building with recordings of porcupine flatulence! THAT is what I think of Oliver Queen! HE is porcupine flatulence! He is a FAILING FAILER WHO FAILS!

But, in answer to the question in your earlier email, no, I did not get to catch up on Doctor Who last night. I had to work...for FREE!

XOXO,

Felicity

Her morning break, a chocolate chip muffin, a mint-chip latte, and Felicity finally felt human again. She sighed in relief and tilted her face back into the sunshine. She'd vented her ire to Caitlin, though she doubted she'd even bother sending that email. It wasn't like her to bash her job. Most days Felicity liked her job. Sure, she didn't get nearly enough credit or nearly enough pay, but she had faith that her hard work would be rewarded. She'd invested too much time and energy and heart to walk away from Queen Consolidated now. Giving herself another mental pep talk, Felicity headed back for the office. She had work to do.

“Ms. Thomas called about the file while you were gone,” Ted Sanders, or Chet, called as Felicity walked past him. Ted was her unofficial assistant. Technically he received almost the same pay she did...which was why she called him Chet. He and every other incompetent in the department being paid the same or more than her for far inferior work were called Chet. It was her small private rebellion.

Felicity nodded. “I'll handle it.”

“I already did,” Chet smiled. “I printed the file directly to the CEO.”

Felicity froze. She turned to look at him. She fought the urge to grind her teeth. “You did what?”

Chet frowned. “I printed the file to Mr. Queen's printer.”

She took in a deep breath and blew it out trying to keep her temper. “It was supposed to be sent directly to the Finance Department, Chet!”

His mouth dropped open. “Oh...sorry?”

Shaking her head, Felicity spun on her heel and headed into her office. She slid into her chair and settled her fingers on her keyboard. Within seconds she was pulling up the printer history. She was reaching to reprint the file to the correct location when something registered...something wrong...

She frowned harder. This wasn't the right file. She double clicked to pull it up and see what the incompetent Chet had sent off to Mr. Queen. Then she gaped...she gasped...she felt hot, then cold, then SICK...Great Google...Oh Dumbledore...Holy Frack...NO NO NO!!!

She must have made some awful sound, some choked hysterical pained noise, because Chet came running. She pointed at the screen...she pointed and pointed and...she thought her brain had melted...

Chet scrambled around the desk and quickly read over the file, the email, the horrible ranting bash against her boss and her job. Chet made a pained noise of his own. Then he started to apologize, muttering “I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry” under his breath. He tried to lean around her as if to delete the evidence.

Felicity batted his hand away and pointed her finger at him threateningly. Then she spun back to face the front and pulled up another file. She started typing.

Chet frowned confused. “What are you doing?”

Felicity laughed hysterically and shrugged. “I'm updating my resume. I'm going to need it.”

Oliver Queen had received a lot of criticism in his life. He'd even admit that he deserved the lion's share of it. He'd been an ass, a careless, thoughtless, arrogant, selfish, entitled ass. He'd like to believe that he'd grown since his younger years, that his five years away had at least burnt away the foolish boy he'd once been. He knew, however, that he would never outgrow the 'peeing on a cop' thing. He was never living it down. It was that insult, among the various littering the email, that stung the most.

Pushing that thought aside, Oliver leaned back in his chair and crossed his arms over his chest. “I'm just wondering,” he grumbled to the man sitting opposite him, “exactly how a self-proclaimed invaluable IT employee accidentally sent THIS to my printer.”

“Well yes,” Walter Steele frowned and looked up from the copy of the infamous email, “this was clearly a mistake.”

Oliver lifted his brows at the understatement.

“But nothing so very insurmountable,” Walter continued. “This was obviously a personal email, Oliver.” He eyed the Queen heir carefully. “You shouldn't take it so...”

“Personally?” Oliver finished. Then he smirked and looked at Walter. “You know who she is, don't you? I knew you would.” Which was exactly why he'd called his former stepfather there. As former CEO, having only stepped down a few months before, Walter knew much more about the current employees of QC than Oliver did. He had to know who this angry ranting harpy was.

Walter returned his look. “You don't already know?”

Oliver's mouth drew into a hard line. “Felicity Smoak...the only Felicity currently employed by our IT Department.” He considered the older man. “I wondered if you knew of any reason I shouldn't immediately terminate Ms. Smoak for disrespect and sheer idiocy.”

Walter made a face. “Because she's correct?”

“Hey!” Oliver stared at Walter offended.

“No,” Walter shook his head, “no, not about you, obviously.”

“Obviously,” Oliver grumbled, not entirely appeased.

“But Ms. Smoak is highly overqualified for her current position,” Walter said. “She was personally recruited out of MIT by your father. Her lack of advancement by this point must be understandably frustrating.” He sighed. “Her direct superior is verging on incompetence, relies almost entirely on her carrying his workload, and feels threatened by her superior skill and intelligence.”

Oliver winced. “So she's been overlooked...”

“Because of the constant upheaval the company has experienced over the last few years,” Walter said.

Oliver nodded. “So our competitors...”

“Would have a field day at the opportunity to steal her out from under you.”

Oliver ran his hands over his face. “Fabulous. That's just fabulous.”

As the elevator doors opened and Oliver stepped out into the IT Department, he noticed a fidgety looking young man standing beside a cubicle. The stranger, who looked exactly like someone Oliver would expect to work in the IT Department, jerked and immediately turned toward Oliver and started waving his hands frantically before him. “I'm so sorry! It's my fault!”

Oliver lifted a brow and eyed the man. “I'm looking for Felicity Smoak.”

“PLEASE!” He begged. “It was a mistake! I didn't mean to! I didn't mean it!”

Now Oliver was confused. “You're Felicity Smoak?”

The man seemed to consider that for a moment. Then he jerked his head up and down. “Yes, yes I am. And I am throwing myself on your mercy!” He took a step toward Oliver. “I will beg! I will get down on my knees and beg! Please don't fire Felicity Smoak!”

“CHET,” an irate female voice called from behind a cubicle, “would you shut up? You're ruining my concentration.”

The stranger, Chet apparently, looked toward the cubicle before turning back to Oliver. “You can't fire her! It's my fault! I did it!”

Oliver shook his head and rubbed his hand over his forehead. The situation just kept getting more and more bizarre. “Your name is Chet?”

The stranger winced. “Technically I'm Ted Sanders...” he looked back toward the cubicle, “but I'm also Chet B. It's a long story. Please don't fire anyone! She didn't send it. I did! It's my fault!”

“CHET, SHUT UP!” The female voice, who Oliver was assuming at this point was the illusive Felicity Smoak, growled and became more demanding. “You've already buried me. Don't get yourself fired as a bonus!”

Chet, Ted, whatever his name was, clasped his hands together and held them out to Oliver imploringly. “Please!”

Oliver rolled his eyes. “No one is getting fired. Where is Felicity Smoak?”

Chet slumped in relief. He leaned back against the side of the cubicle and hooked his finger toward the open doorway. “She's in there. Can I leave now?”

“Yes,” Oliver told him, “go take a break or something.”

He nodded jerkily. “Or something...something being alcohol or a Xanax.” He rushed past Oliver and toward the elevators.

Oliver took in a deep breath and readied himself to face the angry ranting harpy. He walked forward, turned, and looked into the cubicle. Then he blinked. Felicity Smoak was...she was cute. She had blonde hair pulled back into a perky high ponytail, cute little glasses, was wearing a light pink top, and a pencil skirt. Her forehead was scrunched together as she examined the typing on her monitor, she had a red pen clasped tightly between her teeth, and her lips were a bright vivid pink. The woman was very very cute. Oliver couldn't help it. He smiled. “Felicity Smoak?”

She gasped, the pen dropped out of her mouth, and she looked to the side. Her expression was half defensive/half horrified. She pursed her lips and glared at him. “I'm just updating my resume. I have an interview set up with S.T.A.R. Labs and I'll be out of your hair shortly. I'd really appreciate it if you allowed me to work out a two-week-notice. I need the money.”

Oliver chuckled and shook his head. He held out his hand to her. “I'm Oliver Queen. I wondered if you'd have time to discuss your possible advancement in the company. It appears you are currently grossly overqualified for your position.”

Her mouth gaped. “You're serious?”

He smiled and nodded. “I'm serious.”

“But...” she frowned confused, “I...I basically called you an underqualified fart, who may or may not have infected his company computer with spyware due to his unsavory porn habits.”

Oliver couldn't help but laugh at the ridiculousness that was his day. “Who peed on a cop,” he reminded her.

She whimpered and buried her face in her hands. “I'm so sorry! I was venting! I wasn't even going to send the damn email!”

“Well,” Oliver conceded, “the last was actually public record.” He wanted to be mad at her, but he just couldn't. She was adorable and clearly mortified.

“But I don't judge people I don't know!” Felicity told him. “You've never done anything to me. I don't know you. I had no right to type those things about you. I should be reprimanded! I should be fired!” She told him.

“You were frustrated,” Oliver said understandingly. “You weren't really angry at me.”

“I wasn't!” Felicity insisted. “It was that damn Margaret from HR! She gets on my last nerve!”

“And you never meant for anyone to see what you had written,” Oliver continued.

“I didn't!” Felicity said. “I SO SO TOTALLY DIDN'T!”

Oliver shrugged and smiled again. “Then let's forget about it. No harm, no foul. I've heard far worse things about myself in the past. Your email was practically tame.”

The blonde still looked miserable...and adorable. Oliver was convinced at this point that the woman was incapable of not looking adorable. She pouted. “I deserve to be punished!”

Oliver cocked a brow. “Well, I'm planning to promote you to head of our IT Department and I'm not firing Chet, which means you will continue to work with him on a daily basis. Consider that punishment enough.”

Felicity snorted. “You've only met Chet B. If I'm heading this department I have to supervise the entire alphabet of idiots. I'm gonna need a raise...and medication.”

Oliver nodded again. “How about we discuss your promotion and that raise over dinner?”

Now she was gaping at him again. Felicity made a choked laughing sound. “You...you're kidding, right?”

“If you'd be willing to share the evening with a notorious failer who got his BBA from Coconut University,” Oliver teased.

She squeezed her eyes shut and winced again. “I'm just gonna sit here and wait for the ground to open up and swallow me whole.”

Oliver laughed. He caught himself in wonder as he considered exactly how long it had been since he'd laughed this much. It made him even more determined to get to know this woman. Walter, as usual, was correct. Felicity Smoak was remarkable. “Come on, Ms. Smoak, let's put this whole thing behind us. I think we'll be working together a lot more in the future.” He leaned toward her slightly and his eyes twinkled. “Let me take you to dinner.”

The blonde gulped and looked up at him dumbstruck. “I'm in so much trouble here, aren't I?”

Oliver wiggled his brows. “I guess we'll find out.”

Felicity sighed and nodded her acceptance of his offer. Her lips quirked up into a hesitant smile. “I blame Chet.”

Thanks so much for reading! I would love to know what you think! 

@thebookjumper @olicityhiatusficathon

[adrienaline-rushed-art]

can you just take this snippet of TSLZ and sketch and pretend I did something? I wanted to post for all of the coming out week but I only have time for like.. two? 

Anyway here lol: 

Rating: T

Fic: Tomato Soup and Lemon zest 

Chapter: 2/6

Adrinath August Day 15 I guess lol

“Oh my God,” Adrien fell back on his bed, hugging his pillow to his face to suppress the ever waiting wail he’d let out.

Plagg blinked at him slowly while chewing on a slice of Camembert. He could almost see the red in Adrien’s face burning through the cushion.

“Plagg…”

“Yeah?”

“Plaaaaaggg…”

“Um, yeah?”

“PLAA-”

“YEAH. OK. Adrien, I’m listening… just say whatever it is before I stop caring.”

Adrien sighed, sitting up suddenly and resting his head in his hands. “Plagg, what have I done?” He groaned, “Did you see the way he looked at me?! Why am I so stupid?!”

“I dunno, but why did it take you so long to realize this?”

“That I’m stupid?”

“No, that you were putting on the dumbest show back there.”

“Not helping!” Adrien reached back at flung a pillow at Plagg.

Plagg laughed as he dodged. “What was it you said right before you left? ‘Don't miss me too much’? I would've paid a million bucks to see the face he made one more time.”

Adrien felt like throwing up. He had ended up flirting with Nathaniel so heavily that he might as well have slapped him in the ass and whispered ‘meet me at my place’ in his ear.

He didn't know where it had come from. Well, he knew how he'd become attracted to Nathaniel. Just one partner class assignment and he couldn't stop smiling at the mention of his name. The moment he had a chance to talk to him again it felt like his heart was a news broadcast and someone had snatched the mic from his hand to shout ‘fuckerightinthepussy’.

Adrien wanted to snort at the meme he had recalled, but he was too busy panicking.

He slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out his phone, instantly flipping it upright and pressing the home button in one swift movement.

His thumb hovered over Nino’s name before he caught himself. He couldn't call Nino, he didn't even know about this. He tapped on Alya.

No answer.

Didn't Alya live on her phone? What the hell was he supposed to do now? Was he willing to tell Marinette? She wouldn't be as bad as Nino, and she was honest, so if she made a promise she wouldn't break it. She'd probably understand, after all she knew a thing or two about having a crush.

Screw it.

The phone picked up almost immediately, making Adrien jump.

“Hey, Adrien, this is a pleasant surprise. You never call me,” Marinette’s voice was gentle and relaxed. Adrien didn't feel insecure anymore.

But he was still a nervous wreck of course. “Ha! Yeah, hey Marinette… guess I don't call you, huh?”

“So, what's up?”

“I wanted to tell you something- oh, but you have to promise to keep it a secret! Even from Nino, I'm afraid… but I just need to talk to someone about this.”

“Are you coming out to me?”

“Uh, well, that’s not exactly-”

“I FUCKING KNEW IT.”

“I-”

“You have it bad for Nathaniel don’t you?”  

There was a pause on Adrien’s side. He gasped abruptly, “Did Alya tell you?!”

“No, it was just obvious. Don’t hate me but one time, when it looked like I was texting someone, I was actually filming you so that I could subtly drop Nathaniel’s name and watch your face light up. Here, I’ll send it to you.”

Adrien tapped on the notification ‘MARINETTE HAS SENT YOU A VIDEO’.

“DELETE THAT VIDEO RIGHT NOW.”

Marinette snickered. “Nope.”

“Come on, that’s so embarrassing!”

“I didn’t know you were capable of embarrassment. I mean, you’re the one who took a picture in your underwear and plastered it on the cover of a magazine.”

Adrien let out an impatient sigh, “First of all, it’s not like that was my idea, and second-”

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry. I’ll delete it…”

“Thank you.”

“After I save it to my laptop.”

“Hey! You hang around Alya too much…”

“I do, thank you.”

“So… um…”

“Uhuh, we were talking about your gayness.”

“About that, I didn’t even know about it? That’s why I didn’t really see this as coming out or anything, it all happened so fast, I met Nathaniel and he just- like a truck- he just-”

“Caught you by surprise?”

“...Yeah…”

“Don’t worry, I get it. All too well. So, otherwise you had no idea you were into guys?”

“Not at all. In fact I’m pretty sure I’m still into girls… at least at some point, I’ve met a couple girls I found cute.”

“Naturally. Alya and I are touched that you find us cute by the way.”

Adrien laughed. “You’re welcome? But, no offense, you didn’t make me feel the same as Nathaniel, you know?”

“I mean, that’s the whole point of falling for someone, Adrien.”

“Right but, I’m a little confused about my sexuality right now…”

Marinette took a deep breath, audible over the phone. “Look, as your friendly neighborhood bi, I can confirm that it sounds like you too are a bisexual. Welcome to the club. But you’re the only one who can figure yourself out, don’t just take my word for it.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot that was a thing…”

“What the hell? Are you serious?”

“Kidding. But I just wasn’t sure because I don’t feel like I’m equally attracted to guys and girls?”

“That’s completely normal,” Marinette chuckled, “But anyway, I’m pretty sure you intended to talk about something else?”

“Right…”

Adrien told Marinette everything. From the awkward hello to the cringey goodbye. He felt surprisingly better after venting to her, and he wanted to do it more often.

“You mentioned Chat Noir a lot…” Marinette smiled so hard Adrien swore he could hear it.

“Yeah, and? I wanted to see if he had a type, and I consider myself to be very similar to Chat Noir.”

Marinette snorted. “Yeah, right! You wish!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, you’re great and all, Adrien, but according to the story you just told me… you aren’t nearly as slick as Chat Noir.”

It took every bone in Adrien’s body to refrain from yelling into the phone ‘I AM CHAT NOIR’. Instead he just mumbled, “Thanks a lot, Marinette.”

“No! Adrien, I didn’t mean- ok, here’s what I think about you and Nathaniel. Maybe your moves wouldn’t have charmed me, but I don’t have a single doubt that Nathaniel is thinking about you just as much as you are of him. Whatever it is you wanted to do about it, just do it! There’s no point moping around and waiting…” Marinette’s voice seemed to go faint as she finished speaking, as though she had to convince herself of her own words.

Adrien knew she was right. It didn’t take him long to think about it, thank Marinette, and take a chance.

[toastedwrittenthoughts]

Funny Work Emails.

I have a story to tell.

So, when I was working at a new publishing company, I found myself in a very interesting predicament. That being that I found my boss extremely attractive, but the man was a downright Prick and it was very hard being his executive assistant, so it kinda cancelled everything out. I had also been applying to jobs everywhere and had a few that looked promising, and after he caught wind of it, he offered to extend the contract that I was nearly finished at the company I was currently working at. He increased the pay, offered me a town car and my own driver, since sometimes my car wouldn't work and access to the company credit card. For what, I don't know.. Now, I have a friend and her name is Amy. I have known her since we went to university together and she and I have emailed each-other probably thousands of times. It started with school projects, boyfriend problems, planning date nights, work frustrations and so on. They would often help me by letting out some steam before the sides of my ears whistled. Until, I made the mistake of sending a certain email.

And this is how it goes.

The second I pulled into my spot at Leighton Publishing, my phone buzzed with my boss's usual morning email.

Subject: What I Need Today.

Coffee. Stephen King’s new book. Reports for the two o’clock meeting. Your signature on the employment extension contract.

You’re welcome.

Michael Leighton

CEO, Leighton Publishing

I sighed as I thrust my phone into my purse as I unbuckled and got out of my car. I’d done my best to avoid that last line on all of his task requests, simply not addressing it via email or simply saying “I need more time to think about it,” if he brought it up during one of our meetings. And even though the sexual tension between us was at the highest levels it’d ever been, I couldn’t afford to let that cloud my judgment.

His overbearing sexiness was not a good enough reason to stay, and the odds of us having sex were slim to none. (Not that having sex with him was a good enough reason to stay either.)

After securing a copy of Stephen King’s newest book from Barnes & Noble and a cup of his favorite expensive coffee, I rushed inside the building and headed right up to his office.

I knocked against his door five times and waited for his familiar, “Yes?” before opening the door.

The second I stepped inside, I felt his eyes watching my every move, and I tried not to make eye contact as I walked over and set the book and the coffee on his desk.

“Is there something on your mind, Miss London?” He waited for me to look at him, and I finally gave in. “Any particular reason why you’re currently mumbling?”

“No, Mr. Leighton. It’s just—” I decided to be honest, to finally get this over with. “I’m not interested in signing the extension contract.”

He raised his eyebrow. “Are you referring to right now, or ever?”

“Ever.” I stepped back, waiting for his reaction, but there wasn’t one. His face remained stoic and he simply picked up his coffee and took a long sip.

“Fair enough,” he said. “Thank you for telling me. After you settle into your office, I need you pick up my dry cleaning from Midtown. There should be fifteen suits and twenty shirts in my name.”

What the hell? “Would you like me to pick up anything else?”

“Not at all.”

I forced a smile and headed toward the door. “Thank you for being understanding about the contract, Mr. Leighton.”

“Anytime, Miss London.”

I left his office and took the steps to my own, quickly printing out the two o’clock reports so I could save time since I had a new dry cleaning mission. As I was stapling the first set of sheets together when my phone buzzed with a new email from him.

Subject: Something Else I Need Today.

My Jaguar needs to be washed. Take it to the place I like in New Jersey, ten miles across the bridge.

Michael Leighton

CEO, Leighton Publishing

Is he being serious?

I dropped my reports to the floor, barely getting a chance to reread the message to see if my eyes were playing tricks or me or not, because he sent me another email.

Subject: And Also...

I forgot to pick up a particular watch I ordered weeks ago on my way to work this morning. You’ll need to stand in line at Audemars Piguet on 57th Street by noon to ensure that I receive it today.

Michael Leighton

CEO, Leighton Publishing

I slammed my office door shut to prevent myself from screaming. I had reports to write for next week, calls to make for meetings for our next quarter and a few companies to call about job interviews for myself. And he wants me to run around and collect his shit like I was a fucking intern?! Dammit! I paced the floor a few times before responding to him with a curt “Ok.” Then I headed down to the private parking garage.

I took the keys from the lock-box and tried my best not to think about using them to leave major scratches against his car, and I quickly slid behind the wheel. Instead of immediately heading toward the dry cleaners, I did something that would have made Amy's face pale if she saw me. I took his Jaguar for a half hour joyride first.

I took my time driving through the city streets, stopping for ten-dollar coffee and charging five cups worth to his card every time. Might as well use it, since he gave me the right too, and I have worked there for nearly 2 years and not once touched the thing. On my way out, I noticed a new line of fashion at the nearby lingerie store, so I took his precious credit card and purchased ten matching sets of overly priced panties and bras.

Screw him...

Still feeling reckless and far less professional than I’d ever felt in my life, I picked up his dry cleaning and tossed it in the back seat. I drove across the George Washington Bridge and sat in the back of a café for half an hour.

I checked my email and saw that my bastard boss had emailed me yet again.

Subject: Timing.

I refuse to believe it takes three to four hours to pick up an order of suits and a watch. Even considering getting my car washed, you should be back by now.

Michael Leighton

CEO, Leighton Publishing

I immediately deleted it and noticed that there were several other new emails in my inbox. Emails I actually wanted to see.

Apple, Microsoft, and Amazon all sent positive, personal messages that all read to the likes of, “Congratulations! You’ve made it to the final round of interviews! We simply need to verify your information and references. Afterwards, we’ll make an internal decision behind closed doors.”

I nearly jumped up from my chair, screaming about my pending freedom. I knew there was no way in hell that I wouldn’t receive a formal offer from at least one of those jobs, and since I was still awaiting to hear back from twenty more, I felt more emboldened than ever before. I felt like I could quit Leighton Publishing right now and leave Michael’s Jaguar in the middle of New Jersey for him to find by himself tomorrow.

It took all of one minute for me to realize that I wasn’t that bold. That, and I needed a way to get back to New York City.

Annoyed, I vented all of my frustration in a long ass email to Amy, and per her previous advice, I deleted it the second I hit send.

Subject: My Boss.

Have I already told you that I hate my boss today?

Sexy as hell or not, this pompous, arrogant, ASSHOLE asked me to pick up his dry cleaning the second I walked through the door. Then he told me that I needed to take his Jaguar to a car wash that was ten miles outside of the city, but only after I needed to stand in a never-ending line to buy some type of limited, hundred-dollar watch.

I honestly can’t wait to see the look on his face two months from now when I tell him that I’m quitting his company and that he can kiss my ass. KISS. MY. ASS.

All those former fantasies about him kissing me with his “mouth of perfection” or bending me over my desk are long over. OVER.

Your bestie,

Mya

PS—Please tell me your day is going better than mine...

SENT.

After driving around and retrieving a watch that dripped with the title TACKY MONEY WASTER, I head back to my bosses newly washed and waxed Jag and pull my phone out and frown at the lack of email's from Amy. Maybe she was busy and hadn't read it yet. Opening up my email, I sent her another one.

Mya

Subject: My email.

Did you get my email from this afternoon?

Your bestie,

Mya

After I got into the car, I heard a ping from my email, it was Amy.

Subject: Re: My email.

No...What email?

Your bestie,

Amy

Subject: Re: Re: Re: My email.

The one about my boss and all the shit he asked me to do today. . I would resend it to you, but I deleted it...

He’s so ridiculous, Amy.

Can I call you in like twenty minutes when I get back to the office?

Your bestie,

Mya

Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: My email.

Of course. I’ll be waiting.

Your bestie,

Amy

I slumped in my office chair minutes after returning Mr. Leighton’s Jaguar to the garage. I didn’t bother bringing any of his dry cleaning inside, though. If he wanted those suits, he could go down to the garage and get them himself.

Now, more than ever, there was a huge part of me that wanted to pack up all of my things and never come back. Yet, I knew I couldn’t leave this place without personally telling him to go fuck himself first. I’d more than earned that.

When I’d finally let go of enough anger, I picked up my desk phone and dialed Amy’s number.

“Hey there!” She answered on the first ring. “Are you feeling any better?”

“Not at all.” I sighed. “I don’t know if I’m going to make it to the two-month mark anymore, Amy. I really don’t.”

“You can do this,” she said. “This is just one bad day and I’m sure by the time you get home later you’ll feel differently. Don’t let him get to you. Ever.” There was a sudden loud banging noise in her background. “Ugh! Let me call you right back, Mya. The neighbors are being ridiculous with their music today.”

She ended the call before I could say goodbye, and I heard a ping from my inbox seconds later, knowing she’d sent me one of her usual “Stay Calm” emails.

I opened my email—expecting to see something inspiring, but the second I saw the subject line and the sender my jaw dropped to the floor.

Subject: Re: My Boss.

No, you haven’t already told me that you hate your boss, today, but seeing as though you’ve sent me this email directly, I know now...

Yes, I did ask you to pick up my dry cleaning the second you arrived to work to day. (Where is it?) And I did tell you to take my Jaguar to the car wash and pick up my thousand-dollar watch. (Thank you for taking five hours to do something that could be accomplished in two.)

You don’t have to wait two months from now to see the look on my face when you tell me you’re quitting. I’m standing outside your office at this very moment. (Open the door.)

No comment on your “fantasies,” although I highly doubt they’re “long over.”

Your boss,

Michael

PS—Yes. My day is definitely going far better than yours...

Oh. My. Fucking. God!

I felt all the color draining from my face, and I swear I didn’t breathe for over a minute.

I shook my head in utter disbelief, refusing to accept that I’d sent my rant to him instead of Amy. I refreshed my computer screen again and again, hoping that this was some type of joke.

A loud and sudden knock came to my door and my heart nearly fell out of my chest, but I didn’t get up. I didn’t make a single move.

The knock came again, much louder this time, and this time I heard his voice. “Miss London?” He knocked once more.

I slowly stood up from my desk and looked outside the peephole. Mr. Leighton was looking down at his watch, his face still impossibly perfect and flawless. His lips pressed into an angry flat line.

He looked up from his watch and stared through the peephole, letting his eyes meet mine.

I jumped back from the door and considered my options. I could open the door and listen to whatever he had to say, or I could leave through my office’s side exit door.

It was a no-brainer.

I grabbed my coat, my laptop, and shut down my computer. Then I rushed out of my side door and took the freight elevator down to where I parked my car in the garage. Thinking, It would just be a straight shot from there, right? Nope. Car didn't turn over. It gurgled and then puked. Shit. Thinking I could call A cab I take out my phone and remember that I had access to a town car, which, though I never used it, waited everyday out in front of the garage. Perfect! My driver eyed me suspiciously as I literally ran through the garage, but he didn’t protest when I begged him to hurry up and get me home.

I didn’t wait for him to open the door for me or wish me a good day when we arrived. I practically jumped out of the car and rushed straight into my building—making a beeline for Amy’s place.

“Amy?” I knocked on her door. “Amy!”

“Coming!” She swung open her door immediately and pulled me inside. “No need to bang on my door like that, Mya. What the hell is wrong with you?”

“I think I just got fired.”

“What? How do you think you just got fired? You either did or you didn’t.”

“Okay, okay. I didn’t get fired yet, but I’m pretty sure he’s going to fire me. He’s definitely going to fire me. Oh god, oh god, oh god...”

“Mya, slow down.” She placed her hands on my shoulders. “Speak English, slowly. Very slowly.”

“I accidentally sent him one of my complaining emails, a complaining email that was one hundred percent meant for you.”

“Was it worse than the one you sent me yesterday morning?”

“Way worse. I I called him an asshole and mentioned how I used to fantasize about him wanting to bend me over his desk.”

Her face turned red as well, and she opened her mouth to say something, but the sound of my phone ringing caught both of our attention.

I pulled it out of my pocket and damn near dropped it at the sight of Mr. Leighton’s name on my screen. Unsure of what to do, I tossed it onto her couch.

“Is that him?” Amy asked.

I could only nod.

“Do you plan on answering it?”

“No.” I stared at it until it went to voicemail. But then it rang again.

And again.

Rolling her eyes, Amy picked up my phone and hit ‘answer’ before tossing it to me.

“Hello?” I answered, my voice was basically a whisper.

“Hello, Miss London.” The sound of my name falling from his mouth made me take a seat. “Did I catch you at a bad time?”

I shook my head as if he could see me.

“Are you there, Miss London?” His deep voice sent warmth through my face, I felt shame. “Did I catch you at a bad time?”

“Not really...”

“Good. Where are you right now?”

“Oh, um...” I looked to Amy for help, but she was smiling, looking as if this shit was actually funny. “I just ran down to the copy room.”

“So, you’re still in the building?”

“You could say that.”

“I saw you getting in your town car half an hour ago.” There was a smile in his voice. “You’re definitely not in the building right now.”

“Yes, well...Is there something you need from me right now?”

“There is actually, I came to your office this afternoon because I needed to discuss something private and very important that pertains to you and me, but I missed you somehow. So, I need you to come into work an hour early tomorrow so we can have this private and important conversation. Can you do that?” I simply stared at Amy, feeling my impending doom take a large seat in the room.

“Miss London,” he repeated. “Can you do that?”

“Yes...”

“Good. I’ll see you in the morning.” He ended the call, and a large glass of wine was immediately thrust into my hand via Amy.

Shit. Shit. Shit...

She tried her best to distract me from today’s epic mistake by making me watch terrible Netflix shows, and letting me crash on her couch for hours, but it was no use.

As I headed to the office one hour earlier like he requested, I noticed his Jaguar wasn’t in his designated spot. Somewhat relieved, I took the elevator to my floor and unlocked my office—unsure as to whether I should start organizing my things for an upcoming termination or not.

Whenever he decided to bring up my email, I knew I was going to have to choose between three options when I responded. Plan A: Deny. Deny. Deny. Plan B: Deny more. Deny more. Deny more. Plan C: Suck up my pride, admit I was wrong, and hope he doesn’t fire me because I haven’t received an official job offer from anywhere else yet.

It has to be Plan A...

Just as I was about to sit down, my desk phone rang and his office number appeared on the screen. Taking a deep breath, I picked up the receiver. “Yes, Mr. Leighton?”

“Come up to my office.” He hung up without a single word, leaving me confused.

I locked my purse in my drawer and took the steps, knocking three times until his familiar, “Yes?” greeted me and made me open the door.

He was sitting in his chair, his back facing me. At the sound of my heels clacking against the floor, he slowly spun around, like some type of Bond villain.

His suit today was one I hadn’t seen before, a dark grey one that perfectly complemented the new silver watch on his wrist. The watch he’d far too recently made me stand in line to get.

“Have a seat.” He motioned for me to sit in front of his desk.

I sat down and he picked up his coffee, taking a long sip.

“You know, Miss London,” He emphasized every syllable of my name. “I honestly thought you and I were on better terms, especially after working together for over 2 years. But it seems I was clearly mistaken.”

He looked as if he was waiting for some type of explanation in regards to my email, and I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to go for Plan A, B, or C. As if he could sense that I was weighing my options, his lips curved up into a smirk.

I tried to avert my gaze away, even for a second, but I couldn’t look away from him at all.

“Are you going to say something?” he asked. “Or are you going to continue sitting there as if you have no idea what I’m talking about?”

“Is this about me leaving early yesterday?” I settled on Plan A. “I was feeling a little ill, that’s all.”

“This is about a particularly inappropriate email where you make a mention of me fucking you.”

My cheeks were on fire and I knew he wasn’t going to let me avoid this at all. I wanted the earth to swallow me up.

“I’m sorry,” I said, the words rushing out. “I had no idea that I’d accidentally—”

“This is also about...” he said, cutting me off as he raised his hand. “Me possibly needing to go to human resources and file a complaint. A sexual harassment complaint.”

What?

“Sexual harassment is a very serious offense here at Leighton Publishing, Miss London.” He looked me up and down. “I’ve had people fired for far less egregious offenses, and I technically should be doing the same to you right now as that would only be more than fair.” He didn’t let me get a word in. “Especially since I don’t think you fully understand why what you did was so offensive.”

“I do...” My voice was a whisper.

“Don’t you think there would be an uproar with serious consequences?” I don’t honestly know what possessed me to say the word;

“Maybe.”

“Maybe? No, definitely.” He adjusted his tie. “In fact, there would be such an uproar that I think the IT department would be forced to go through all the emails I’d ever sent on any company device since nothing sent on a company server is ever truly deleted. In fact, they’d probably have to investigate and see if this was a one-time offense or a particularly interesting pattern...”

I felt my jaw dropping and struggled to keep my lips together.

“I mean,” he said, looking somewhat serious. “Depending on what they found, they’d have to personally address me and assess the damages. And if the person I was talking about ‘fucking’ in my emails wanted to, I’m sure she could make my life very miserable.”

Silence.

He picked up a folder from his desk and slowly set in on my lap. “Three hundred and sixty-seven emails between you and your ‘bestie’, Amy.”

The first thought wasn’t, Oh no. It was actually ‘That’s it’?

“That’s this month alone.” His voice was clipped. “I didn’t have time to read more than a few of them, but I’m assuming we won’t be seeing anymore of these in our IT database. Or will we?”

“No.” I shook my head.

“Good. I had them all permanently deleted. You’re welcome.” He stood up and glanced at his watch. “Those Roberto files are due before our morning meeting with Lockwood.” He walked over to the door and held it open, waiting for me to leave. What. The. Hell. Just Happened?!?

Avoiding his gaze, I stood up and headed into the hallway. I stopped for some unknown reason as a thought popped into my head that had me asking;

“Can I ask you something personal?” I looked up at Michael.

“Yes.”

“Were any of those stories in the tabloids from last year about you and your.. dates, true?”

“Some of them.”

“Oh.” I frowned. “Really?”

“What are you really asking me, Mya?”

“Is there any reason why you haven’t been featured in one for a very long time?”

“Yes...It’s because I haven’t done any of the things I used to do for a very long time.” He trailed his finger against his lips. “I promised my adviser I would tone down my ‘activities’ for the sake of the company going public in the future.” He paused. “I also happened to accidentally hire a very compelling and sexy distraction working on the floor right below me.” Wait.. Whut? 

“In other words, you slept with your usual groupies in private.”

“I tried to.” He admitted. “But I was honestly too damn attracted to someone else to waste my time on other people.”

“I don’t believe you.” I blushed. “There’s no way you haven’t slept with anyone else since I started working for you.”

“You should, and I haven’t.” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I have no reason to lie to you. I even tried getting rid of you when you first started since you were such a distraction, but that clearly didn’t work out.”

“You were purposely being mean to me in the beginning to get me to quit?”

He smiled, silently confirming it.

“That is so...” I couldn’t believe he could look so genuine while saying that. “That is so fucked up.”

“It was.”

“No, is.” I looked into his eyes. “You still act as if you’re trying to get me to quit.”

“Sign the extension and I’ll be a lot nicer.” He smiled at me and I feel a small flutter in my chest. It was genuine. And I smiled in return.

“How about treat me better first and I’ll consider thinking about it?”

“How about both? I haven’t truly been ‘mean’ to you in the past six months. Demanding? Yes. Slightly unreasonable with the scheduling time and getting upset about you refusing to sign my contract? Maybe.”

“Definitely.”

“Fine,” he said. “But I haven’t been ‘mean’ to you.”

“You’ve just done your best to keep me out of your sight and far away from you, because... Why? I ask. He shifted a little before responding.

“Because you were thinking about having me as much as I was thinking about having you.” And I nearly moan.

“Is that so?” I echo, a small flirty smile gracing my face.

“Exactly So.” A smile spread across his face. “I was only protecting myself.” He let me pass and walk out the door with a simple, “See you at 2 o’clock.” I had made it to the stairwell before I hear him call out again.

“And if you have anymore questions, complaints and.. Other things, be sure to email me.” He smiled and walked back into his office. 

[345pm]

Sooooo, maybe I shouldn’t have listened to my friends. Maybe I should’ve just gotten to know him a little better before asking him out. I was honestly asking him as friends though but it ain’t come out that way. Loooool.

He walked past me 23 times today & didn’t say anything to me @ all. Usually, he’ll say something to me like a simple hey or smile, but he just kept going. Walked straight past me. Didn’t even look my way. So, remember the guy I said I used to like? He was talking to me today (he works there also) & my current crush walked past. Old crush started talking to him, so I slipped in & said hey. He said hey back but idk if he smiled bc I looked away immediately. I feel like if my old crush had never spoken to my current crush, then he would’ve just ignored my ass again.

Like, I feel bad now for coming on so strong now bc I’m feeling like one of my friends was right & I should’ve chilled out. Idk what to do now. I fr wasn’t trying to. I genuinely wanted to get to know him & maybe date? If he felt the same, of course. I think I’ve already fucked up. I’m not good with facing my problems. Personally, I’m a fan of ignoring the problem until it goes sway. That’s my dilemma now. I feel like if I just go back to not talking to him then he’ll think that I was never serious from the start. But @ the same time, I don’t want to be annoying & keep bothering him @ all. Not trying to make matters worse.

I really just want an answer. I’m the type of person that wants the truth, even if it’s going to hurt my feelings. @ least I would know fr wassup. If he says yes, that’s fine. If he says no, that’s fine. Just want to know what’s going on. Lol. I only asked him 3 days ago. I’m going to talk to him if he’s @ work tomorrow. Just a simple “hey, how are you?”. Not even going to bring up the question I asked him.

I made the first step & that bit me in the ass, it seems. So if he brings up me asking him out, I’ll immediately apologize to him & drop it. I probably sound childish, but oh whale.

I’m an emotional person, so I was upset today. So upset that I didn’t eat or drink anything today. I even cried a little in the bathroom. JDSKSKSK. I know it ain’t that deep, but I have a habit of overthinking things. You gotta be straight up with me. He obviously has the right to say no or take his time his answer, but I’d rather him just say yes or no. The suspense is killing meeeeee. Lmao.

I guess I should’ve really looked @ it from his POV. I only used to make small talk with him before & then boom, I asked him out. I literally asked if he wanted to go out sometime, like to eat or something. Was that too pushy? I didn’t think it was in the moment. Bitch, I would’ve been fine if we met @ McDonald’s & just talked over a McChicken. Lol.

You shouldn’t give up on what you want, but you also gotta know when to take a hint & stop. The same friend that told me not to ask him out also said that I should just stop talking to him. That if he wanted something, wanted to go out, he’d say so. Another friend that egged it ok made me a Tinder today. So that way I could “get over him by getting under another”. I didn’t even keep that shit. I deleted my Tinder account after I got off work. For one, I don’t like people knowing my location. Weird af. Second, a lot of those dudes weren’t as cute my I think my crush is. Third, I don’t want to give up yet until he for sure says he doesn’t want shit to do with me. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not going to harass him; just greet him. I’m not going to get annoying or anything like that. I hope.

I’m not telling that friend (the one who was against me asking him out) anything else bc she told our supervisor. I know our supervisor doesn’t care, but that ain’t the point. I never gave her the okay to tell anyone else. Tf. I’m not cool with our supervisor like that so why would I want her knowing my business? As I said, I don’t care if she claims not to care. It wasn’t her place to go telling people. It was one person she told, but still. I was kinda mad @ her for that. I left without telling her bye. She doesn’t see the wrong in that, so I’ll be sure to keep my business to myself. I won’t vent to her about anything else. Even if the person you tell doesn’t care @ all, I don’t want them knowing my business unless I give you the okay or I tell them my fucking self. Ain’t hard to understand. It wasn’t that deep of a secret, but it was till mine that I asked her to keep to herself. Couldn’t even do that. Now, I’m just going to shut down. Not opening up to her again bc she might tell people shit. I don’t care who thinks I’m overreacting; don’t go telling other people shit that I tell you unless I say you can. Or I go & tell him myself. That shit had me mad.

Well, my confidence definitely dropped. My friend is spritual & she told me I might learn something from the situation & I did. Lol. That’s a wry laugh btw. This one woman I always see told me to stop putting all of focus into him & get my shit together. Focus on my eyesight, getting my license, permit, & an education. She’s right. I know she is. I just hope I won’t be hardheaded again. I probably will though. She also told me to get some confidence. Sis, how? I’ve lacked that shit for so long now. She said I had a pretty face & a great personality. I know my personality is amazing. But pretty face? She only said that shit to make me feel better. Lol.

I just want to apologize & talk things out with him. Hopefully we can do that tomorrow. I really hope so. I want to tell him I’m sorry for being a weird bitch & coming on too strong even tho I wasn’t trying to.

G’night y’all. Going to sleep a guilty (don’t think that’s the word I’m looking for but close enough) bitch.

[hanzi83]

Mix Bagged Thoughts of the Last Couple of Months

This part was written March 4th, 2020 before the Coronavirus quarantine began but instead of deleting it, I am continuing the thought because if I have to be scattered brain, then you will have to as well, as I list off my concerns the past couple of months with the incorporation of what this virus means to the world, in my interpretation.

March 5th, 2020

I haven’t done one of these blogs in the last several months, or at least it feels like it. And yes to answer your questions, to the select few who are able to read my extremely scattered brained thoughts in a really unorganized manner due to the fact that I have not organized my thoughts in a (not so) private journal on my laptop, since I can’t write physically in a notebook since I can’t read back my thoughts, and it was never like I would read them back when I wrote down irrational opinions, and testing the waters to see who was really monitoring this due to the moving of my cursor, that the trolls that have familiarized themselves with me for the last decade plus, have continuously denied, so I have been doing more periscopes, and writing more random threads of tweets just to see how my theories hold up. Let’s face it, for the most part I am a dumbed down guy, who decided to go with whatever the the majority would say because I did not have the facilities to think for myself for years, whether it was going along with a narrative rooted in neoliberalism, while thinking I was being nice and considerate, to wanting to be a contrarian, to being a conspiracy theorist, almost getting himself in the alt right mind set, because you don’t believe MSM, but then you find out that the contrarian conspiracy theorists have been hijacked by the right wing so going by the limited narrative wokeness that exists in the neoliberal, to finally realizing what the difference between a leftist, and a neoliberal is. 

I find that with the limited platform I have, I try to talk to people, who don’t really have the power that the ones in charge do, to maybe deprogram them from the propaganda, because even when this Trump shit went down, I really did not want to give anyone who was leaning conservative a chance, because they want to be with the ignorant, and that is not to say the so called progressives, who only are as progressive as the neoliberal think tanks allow them, are just as much a problem. It is funny because it feels like leftists rightfully compare the neoliberals to the neoconservatives, while the neoliberals point at the leftists as the same as the far right, and it has been done by design. That is what my basic conspiracy theory brain has conjured up, that they place truth tellers in with the racists, misogynists, homophobes etc which is why you can compare Bernie Sanders’ movement to Trump because they have become populists in this era of political theatre. Now the way you can compare them, and this is probably where leftists will hate me, because they insist on their movement to be completely organic and nothing can be compromised, and my point is, that every clique had some type of funding, but it does not mean the leftist is some evil shit, so sure you can compare different cliques being the same as in they are probably funded by big people. But you cannot compare what each one stands for because the far right has been funded by people who are on the evil side. By the way anything that I put out, that has not been confirmed yet, is just a theory in my fucked up brain. 

It feels like when I don’t organize my thoughts, and I need to write something down to express and vent my feelings, I don’t know where to start and how to transition smoothly with my segues, so I feel good about setting it up and then as I continue, my brain continues to get exhausted with all of the stuff I have read and absorbed from a television show or movie, in fact I have not been caught up on movies, television shows. It is like I don’t care but then immediately I go to regret because I don’t understand the latest references going on, on social media. It fucks with me, then I convince myself that maybe my experience in life has been so interesting, maybe I need to focus on that rather than trying to watch a new television show or movie just so I can pretend to tell the difference between a show with good politics and bad politics, and then questioning if I am even comprehending what I am watching, listening to, or reading, and when I have debates, I can barely retain, so I have to examine the world in my fucked up way since I never paid attention to details, and I never expected to live this long, and each year that passes, and as each hair on my face begins to turn even grayer than the prior time I had facial hair, I just try to simplify it in my head. I still hold out for the death card, because I think i want to transfer my consciousness to another entity, or maybe if I cross over to the other side it will be a lot better than the mental hell I have dealt with. I have to believe we are far more advanced and things are far more organized. I have tried shutting that part of my thoughts down ever since I fully became entrenched with the conspiracies, but the fact that so much of my family and friends have been kind of secretive, and now putting the pieces together from the past, it makes me wonder what kind of world have I been pulled into and all it took for me to realize this was being an (at times voluntarily) being exploited by the show, so others can gain from it and profit off it, and the fact that these things are not to be focused on, on the surface, me bringing it up was not good for anyone, because the perceived people in charge behind the scenes, did not like that I was being transparent. And all of these years, I am not content I have all the factors right, or not but I do realize, in my opinion, that I am not going to believe anyone of any clique is giving you the truth 100 percent, and that doesn’t mean it is all meant for evil, I have stated multiple times before if you can spread propaganda for evil, you can have a clique that serves the power of good to spread propaganda for the sake of good. It just difficult to figure out all of this because the roles are kind of hitting a grey area, we don’t know what is the good guy or the bad guy, because depending on which circles you follow, they can convince you people who are evil are the ones who are being victimized, or that good ones are being made to seem evil, it basically how wrestling fans are debating if someone is a good guy because they did something kind of unethical. 

March 25,2020 

So I wrote that last part prior to this forced quarantine shit, and now it even rings true in some regard to me at least, especially with how pretentious some of these celebrities are acting by doing a sing a long of John Lennon’s “Imagine” and keep repeating the Sarah Silverman part to debate if she is really obnoxious, or if she is self awarely being a cornball, either way too much thought has been put on that, then you have the “clone” billionaires deteriorating right in front of you and making asinine statements, where they are justifying many deaths to save the economy, and to save my head from even thinking of the horrible death that is heading our way because I believe people are being sacrificed in masses by unethical people having control and hoarding knowledge and tools to keep them safe while the rest of us probably have to die, so in order for me not to break down at that thought because it has weighed on my head, that the reason I did not sell my soul was because I don’t know if I could have been quiet with some of the fucked up things happening behind, so now I just put weird ass conspiracies together because I think we are given hidden truth in our fiction, and I wonder if people dying, are we so advanced, that our consciousness can be transferred or have we given our governments enough DNA over the time we have lived where they can secretly clone us again? It makes life more exciting thinking it like that, but as much as I want to express these theories, I want to make it clear you should never listen to me about these things, I am just someone who has no one to talk to and since they fuck with my journal entries, I am almost a year behind and I need to write long winded blogs, that no one will pay attention to, I just need to get this out and think out loud because over the last year so many thoughts have been building up, one minute I want to vent about this, but then a few days pass and my mind is onto something else and I still have these notes jotted. Now the list I am looking at does not seem as important when this stuff is going on. 

I am scared about what is happening because I don’t know if we are being given the right information or if that there is bits of truth but the hucksters who have taken over the conspiracy movement are also giving us false information, because apparently everything is a fucking hustle. Is this something we already have but other factors play into if the virus will be extracted or is it as organic as they say it was, it feels the more the oppressed groups are starting to rise and gain traction, the neoliberals and neoconservatives are discrediting anything other than the establishment view. Part of me feels like it is wrestling where they neoliberal types are passing the torch but a lot of shit is going to have be sacrificed because this is some elaborate game/reality show that we witness, and the public figures are playing roles that seem relatable to the rest of us but their plight is more symbolism than what is actually going on. I wonder if this world is so organized that it is already pre planned who is going to die and are the celebs getting it, a ploy or is it symbolism that they are escaping this planet because they know where the world is heading. I still believe a lot of the elite type and their associates have clones and some of the ones we see are not the real ones, but that is another story. 

I don’t know if anything happens to my elderly parents, how I will survive. I never wanted to be alive during something like this because I don’t feel I am useful to this planet anymore and I feel I am meant to just be a target for people to bug because they know if I snap then it will always reflect badly on me, because I can’t fight back and if I do then they can play that I am mentall unstable part. It really fucks with my head. I know I will never get back all the years I missed with my family and friends, and I know that the longer I will be alive, I will question if people who are supposed to be close with me are setting me up for something or do they really love me. This fame shit has fucked my head up. I have to deal with trolls who constantly threaten me and I never know at what level they are keeping this, they have showcased they can misplace my documented thread on twitter of the evidence of people threatening me and hinting something bad will happen to me, I don’t know if something will or are they continuously instilling fear into me, since my last blog I went into the specifics of that extra terrestrial lady who thinks I owe her a platform because she is allegedly going through the same harassment, while catering to the trolls who hate me, but she claims she is training them, and while one of them has been more peaceful, I don’t know if that is a ploy to have a front row seat to be allowed to troll, he will bring up every irrational thing I have said, and not provide context in hopes to embarrass me in front of new people I meet on periscope, and if that does not work, they will have to endear themselves to those people so it makes me uncomfortable, this specific troll tried to convince me that him getting me banned on twitter and facebook for a week and month was his doing and that is why he is the reason for me meeting new interesting characters on the periscope app. It feels like this Gorilla Bacon dude thinks he is entitled to being into my life, he claims he is joking. I hope him nothing but luck if he is truly changing but it does not feel like it, and I notice since I have made peace with the guy who was hanging out with that “alien chick” it has caused madness, I am unsure what their friendship is like, but the private conversations regarding my podcast has made people lose their mind. Even people who thought they gained my trust and now that their ways are kind of becoming transparent, I am being ganged up on from this woman at times. Before I continue, even though all this is documented within the videos I have on facebook from my periscope, whenever I bring up the inconsistencies in their argument, I am somehow considered to be lying and slandering her name, when people have been witness to it. I personally think, and I emphasize “personally think” since there is a group of patriots always bugging her, the ones she gives me shit for not blocking, even though I am worried if I do so then some of them will fuck with me. They already don’t like that I am not a Trump guy and that I lean more leftist and some of them get upset that I explain the difference between an establishment democrat and an actual leftist, because they always bank on that the democratic side has the full representative of what is leftism. So I feel like maybe she was tied in with them, maybe did not like what they were into but now instead of just moving on she feels threatened that they could be around to get any kind of word out. I tell her not to come in countless times, but then she will come in and just start taking over and bringing up stuff I said while we were in arguments together, and since this is playing out in front of an audience, I do kind of try to be entertaining, because my brain has been trained that way, and then somehow the trolls she aligned with will just fuck with me by playing my old manic calls, even trying to get me in trouble, because recently on a periscope session, I was being fucked with by this new dude I met on there, who has latched on to me, and he normally just talks shit and tries to start arguments and says the most ignorant shit to people when he argues, and it kind of reminds me of how I would think it would be acceptable to have these barbs because I gravitated towards the most ignorant while trying to be somehwhat woke, and because I have been programmed by that kind of entertainment, especially since it gets applauded by Stern Show because being this way makes for more interesting radio, it feels people have to constantly be on. So i try to tell him it’s not the way because my trolls will encourage that because it is someone who they can align with because these people hate watch me and need someone to represent their disdain so this character will fuck with me more and more. So I was in an argument with him, another caller joined in, who happens to be black, he had no idea about what is going on, and when he was busting my balls I lost it on everyone in the panel, and when i said “You said i was virgin and I was a snitch, I went off” he replies “I asked u if you were, if I wanted to be mean i could I have said it” and I stutter my words where I don’t even speak I make sounds, and I said “Nah Nah go ahead again” and it sounded like I said the n word with an a but I didn’t know how my speech comes across, so when they bring up I said it, I even talked to several black people I respect and showed them the clip, some were like I did not say it, but others said they could see how they thought that” this diarreagun account is fucking with the audio and showing that it did sound like it, so I have tried to distance myself from periscope a little more, because if it isn’t people threatening to kill me, or encouraging me to kill myself, they will find news way to just fuck with my head. And because this lady knows I don’t want trouble and I am being extra careful how to address her, she just lashes out at me all the time, and this woman is like 15 years older than me and I just want her to get help and maybe get some medication because I can relate to some of these mood lashes but I am not the enemy. The guy I was at odds with has become helpful with me and even some of my private conversations with him, I even tell him I have my guard up with everyone and any conversation that is happening privately I figure I am always being spied on because when i do a private periscope, there shows one more person into the room to showcase they can bypass the privacy and listen to us. 

I also tried to distance myself from some people because I don’t know who these people truly are. I don’t have resources to use to background check people, so sometimes i think the system is sending problematic people toward me and hide who they are and endear themselves to me and then if it does not work out they show shades of what they are, and I have to watch out for who it is because I am not trying to have a Jimmernam shit happen to me again, and that situation has gotten crazier because the woman that was being harassed by him has decided to forgive him because she was at odds with the original people who were helping her out because they have crude like humor, and at one point I was at odds with him, but we made peace and even though I have outgrown that type of humor on some level, I recognize that they are not worse than what Jimmernam is, and maybe the problem was becoming so friendly with common enemies of that person, that you had to always be with them and then you get sick of them because being this communicative that often in a discord link is probably going to speed up getting fed up with people. That's why I keep my distance because I know its just people wilding out for the shits and giggles because they were brought up on Howard Stern and Opie & Anthony like humor and not that it can’t be funny but I just don’t find it edgy but I am not going to grandstand because at one time I was partaking on that level of humor because I thought the more inappropriate you were with your “comedy” the edgier you were considered. So it is kind of disheartening that Limon went back to Jimmer, she is still cool with me and I have not attacked her for doing so, but maybe she thinks she has to go back because she needs some backup, but if this Jimmernam guy is really a groomer of kids, and I have gone through the history of him, why would you want to be associated with that. It was fucked up that I was associated with him but I had no idea who this person was, and I assumed anyone who is allowed to be out and about is probably not completely evil. It just so happened that after I had reservations in being part of his Stern like show, and then his show imploded, then the rumors of what he was came out and the fact that he tried to save face by modeling his “struggle” with what I really deal with, he figured a common struggle would make me want to partner up with him again. I asked him when he resurfaced and his reddit shit flopped after starting drama in that community, if these rumors are true then how can i do a show with him, and he has said “Well there are rumors about you and I know they aren’t true” and these rumors are most likely started by him. He has hinted many times that my computer is hacked and probably has that, much like WWE shills did a while back, and because I am not tech savvy, where would I go to look if my computer had these? It is fucked up. The fact that I have to forgive trolls who have tried to get my house swatted is really fucked up and because it did not happen they think “Well it didn’t happen so you are not justified to be angry” is such a stupid fucking take. 

Even when I am just flirting on periscope with women, and most of you know I am not really into having a relationship but I use it to just have some fun and maybe start some friendships, it's mainly to practice if I ever become social again, but it feels kind of cool to connect with people and instead of catching up on movies and television etc, I try to meet new people, whether it's interesting characters and create interesting and entertaining dialogue, but I have to be careful because periscope is just a twitter write off and people don’t care what goes on, and if you go on the app and look at random thumbnails of broadcasts, I had to report so many because by the thumbnail it looks like kids are being exploited, so when i do talk to any women on my panel specifically or go into another periscope, I always make sure the people are all 18 and over. Not that I am saying anything super inappropriate I don’t feel comfortable being in a conversation with someone who is under 18 because if they are impressionable I don’t want to be the reason they get a fucked up thought in their head because of my lack of filter but apparently that is even a problem because I am not supposed to be responsible with my platform according to these people, it is kind of like they want me to get caught up in some traps. It feels like they try their hardest, and that is why I am unsure what kind of people I interact with because it is one thing to be a little ignorant and politically incorrect, I can disarm that, but when it comes to someone being part of a hate group and is planning on doing doxxing and ruining people’s lives, I don’t want any part of that, even if that kind of drama gets a bunch of fake views, so people are constantly encouraged to keep doing it because when you have peaceful conversations then they punish you by taking away views because it shows no one cares about your wrestling talk anymore. I don’t know what these people will do to me to fuck me up. I am very scared and maybe that is the intention because I am a piece of shit and people hate me for still having some kind of audience but since Stern Show is not backing me anymore, it seems people can cross the line with their scare tactics, whether its hacking my shit and not doing anything overly dangerous but enough to show they are in control, and now that I have started a podcast, which at this moment I have not publicized, but believe you me, the trolls are spying on me and know where it is, even one of my trolls has sent me a voicemail on the app to condescendly give me the “I am proud of you speech” after me and the dude helping me out have been talking about it in private. Then my fucked up mind goes “Are me and this guy having private conversations, is he trustworthy?” or did the trolls intentionally do that because now I will suspect him for still setting me up with some of these private talks. I don’t fucking know. I did want to record a couple of podcasts, which I am scared to do because I don’t know if I will have thoughts organized, should I do what is happening day to day and because I think in layers, it is hard to articulate, which is why I am writing this blog with a mixed bag of shit to talk about so I can easier articulate it. I wanted to do this podcast and then after a couple of them being recorded I would then publicize it. I just wanted to feel like a winner for once in my life by accomplishing something, even though the podcast setup is kind of primitive but of course the trolls who I believe are paid will try to ruin it and some of these problematic people who want drama with me will not take kindly I am doing this on my own because they feel entitled to be part of it even though I believe they have been instructed to derail me and my thoughts and constantly keep me in a frenzy. My trolls who hate watch me and who tend to have ignorant views are applauded and encouraged, so they chastise me for not wanting to put up with that because me and other mentally ill people might not be best to mesh on a daily basis, especially ones that don’t want to acknowledge they have mental illness and think to cope with it they better just start drama with every other person and lash out because they think by being on my platform that they have an audience watching that they did not have before, and even though they shit on me, they still love me and need to be attached to me because they can’t admit that I serve more importance than the system has lead on since leaving Stern and becoming an irrelevant asshole who still is hanging on to the remaining milliseconds of the 15 minutes that have for the better part been over.

By the way whenever I mention the reddit they use the harassment they always end up closing it, especially when it has to do with some mission happening on certain days where they plan on kidnapping me or some shit. /R/systemichanzi83 but there are rumors more is happening on systematichanzi or systematichanzi83 or something but those are apparently are private. 

[alxxkim]

December 2

I’m currently listening to Overwhelming while eating candy corn Jin got me for my bday (so its been a month and yet) and I feel like I have a lot to say that I don’t have someone to tell to all in one sitting so here it goes. A few weeks ago I decided to stay at Biola for the spring but now I am having second thoughts. I am WAY happier at school away from my family/house and the thought of living at home 24/7 aka how summer was aka hell makes me actually want to kill myself. I really hope that there’s a chance Karina and I both go to Fullerton so we can have a place together.  It sounds so fantastical but also just imagining how amazing my life would be is just all I am looking forward to. I think that I am going to end up enrolling late and not get any classes I want because people have already signed up for classes and most are full lo l but yeah. I am suffering from writer’s block. I tried writing tonight and I actually started crying as I was singing but it just didn’t feel right. I really want to write songs that I can 100% sing-cry to and make it feel so right. I just haven’t found it yet.I wonder how Jon Bellion wrote these songs haha. His lyrics are just so fucking wholesome and relevant to so many aspects of my life. Listening to him tho makes me feel so fucking confused cause the first time I saw him, I was “happy” and brown haired and dating John and the last time I saw him in September I was black haired, single, and broken. I still am those three things. Work has taken over my life again.  I am scheduled Friday-Sunday for the next 2 weeks and as $$ as that made me think I was be, honestly it just doesn’t feel worth it right now. Granted, when I get paid, I will probably feel otherwise.  I’ve been telling myself and others that I am okay with things with John. I honestly can’t fucking tell what I am.  I obviously miss him. I am doing fine without him, I will keep doing fine without him, but I miss having that person. I guess it’s slowly transitioning to the point where you miss the feelings and not the actual person. But just typing that made me realize how false that is. I miss John a lot. He was so funny and caring and loved me so much. I honestly think I can now realize that he loved me just as much as I loved him. And I loved him so fucking much. Just being next to him made everything okay.  The night my mom found an empty cartridge in my room and messaged me about it asking and I thought I was done for, and all I did was just cry, John was just there and as terrified as I was, I was okay because of him.  I think its because its December and the holidays are coming and last winter was probably one of the best parts of my life so far. My 6 week winter break was full of shabu, Fiona, my new polaroid, and just freedom. I was so happy I had Sen Nick and Tyler. I was so happy I had my friends at home. Everything was just so nice. And I had the plan to go to slo with Faith before break ended, and it was just so nice. I miss that feeling of being so excited to see John again. As hard and fucking unfair the distance was being with him obviously made it worth it.  I wish I realized how unhappy John was.  But there’s nothing I could’ve done.  And I need to accept that so that I can stop hating myself for not being better.  Maybe I need to take the next semester off.  Maybe I just need to find new things I could enjoy. I don’t think I want to go to Disneyland next week with my family. My sister isn’t talking to me again. I feel like the family is broken again but its just with me. I’m slowly turning back into the person I was during the summer. There are so many people in my past that I want to rekindle things with and just fucking get a meal to catch up, but I can never do that. I don’t want to talk about John I don’t want to talk about how unhappy and depressed I am.  But I am so tired of pretending like everything is okay. I feel like deleting all social media again. Looking on insta after shifts is just shit because I just feel this urge to fucking post but i have nothing to post because I spent my night inside working. Last night was really fun though. I got off work at around 11 I think and came home and showered and was just going to be on my phone for hours till I was okay enough to sleep. I knew Shin wanted to fuck haha but I told him that I felt like shit so he called me and asked what was up and why I’m depressed.  He actually listened even though I was barely telling him everything because then he would probably think I’m insane if he doesn’t already but yeah he told me to just focus on things I love and that it really helps. It’s so admirable how much he loves working out and playing basketball. But yeah we talked for nearly an hour until he decided to get me and I came outside when he said he was here and as I walked out i noticed he was outside walking to me and he gave me a hug and we drove behind Target and sat there for maybe like 30 min just talking and listening to jbel and the script LOL HE SANG THIS ONE SONG SO FUCKING LOUD he said hes never sung that loudly in front of anyone before hahaha i wish i knew what song it was but i will cause he plays it daily. i just hate asking so im gonna have to snake a peek at his phone the next time it plays. my toes were rlly cold and so he started warming my right foot with his hands and blew air into them a lot haha it was so cute and he gave me a dank ass fucking foot massage holy shit. it hurt like a bitch but in the best way possible. my feet/ankles are always so fucked when i work. so it was especially dank. I also didn’t wear makeup and he said I look better without makeup haha i was like ooooooooooooooooooooook but rlly yeah i was happy he said that especially because I’ve been wearing makeup daily because I just hate myself without it. But that day I had a bare face and actually felt okay. He kissed me and he kept saying how he loves kissing me so much. Omg and we made out to jon b like im sorry but it was fucking amazing. ok we also fucked to him too HAHAHAHA  And then kevin told us to cruise outside cydni’s house cause him paul and esther were smoking so we went and as we pulled up, paul looked at us through his open window and we both laughed in the same explosive way HAHAHAHAH and they told us to shut the fuck up jk they just sushed us ahahahah omfg. it was just too gold. i really don’t want to ever smoke in front of shin again but yeah I couldn’t just say no to weed haha so we hit a piece which burned the shit out of my throat and I was pretty faded I guess and shin kept coughing cause we werent hotboxing the car but it was still potent and i felt bad :( and he was like IS SECONDHAND FADED A THING hahahaha and esther had her juul so i hit that and then we left the car to smoke and i smoked a stoog. oh yeah so immediately after we got out of the car to walk to their car in the beginning, we were just standing outside their car as they were sitting inside and shin like immediately took off his jacket (the warm flannel we got at pacsun whom he loves) and gave it to me even tho he was wearing a tshirt and shorts ugh. i took it off before smoking cause i didn’t want it to  smell so he put it back on and he was like “you can wear it once youre done smoking” haha. and he offered to give it back on the way back to his car but i said i was ok. then on the drive to my house i stuck my body out the window to vent out the smell LOL and it was cold as fuck but felt cool esp with shin’s crazy ass driving hahahahah and i was like i wish you had a sunroof and he was like “yeah thats my bad” and i was like NO BITCH IM NOT TRYING TO COMPLAIN ITS NOT UR BAD I MJSUT SAYING lol and shin has told me how much he hates smoking and the extent of it and how its so unattractive to kiss someone whos smoked so im like welp but as i was getting out of the car he was like yeah fuck u u smell i aint kissing you and i made a pout as i was getting out and he was like no wait and he kissed my cheek hehe. and before that he asked if i was feeling better and i said yes and thanked him and he said yeah of course anytime in a tone like ofc bitch. haha i love when he kisses my head T^T but yeah i came home around 4:40 or however long it took to get to my house and I was happy and hickey’d up and i was just so happy we ended up doing that. 

i slept right before 7am and woke up like 11 so yeah i barely slept which is probably why i felt so off today. but i just stayed in bed till my hair cut which was at 2 and kathy was so shocked to see i cut my bangs LOL going on and on about how i never wanted bangs and then i do it and i WISH I DID NOT TRIM THEM LAST WEEK CAUSE THEYRE SO SHORT NOW CAUSE THEY WERE SO UNEVEN AND I LOWKEY HATE MY HAIR AND I WISH I DIDNT GET IT CUT SHORT UGH I FUCKING HATE MY LIFE but im gonna work with it and we’ll see.  I wanna change my hair color again but idk what to change it to.  Then i went to emily’s and we picked up at unity and smoked and caught up and she was doing her interior design homework and i had to leave cause of work which sucked cause i just wanted to actually hang out but i covered shin’s shift today cause he spent all day studying so im glad i got to help him out and if it were anyone else’s shift i would’ve hated myself lol. but he didn’t call me until like 1 or something but i knew he would call eventually and he said he wanted to finish his work early so we could’ve hung out but he has way too much and so we just talked but i could barely talk cause my bitchass sister always fucking goes off about how inconsiderate i am so yeah lmao but yeah and i told him i got off work early to which he said he knew cause i got home around 11 and i ate and he calculated it and theres no way i couldve eaten after getting off at 10:30 and got home HAHAH like he cared enough to think about that.... and then i told him i have work tomorrow 11:30-5 and he said then maybe he’ll come bring me boba 

i dont expect him to but maybe he will im so fucking over work

i cant believe its already sunday tomorrow and i have to go back to school for chapel i think.  fucking kill me. i just want to have free time

[worddonor]

Ugh

Ja.

Is it too much to ask for the person I’m supposedly having a conversation with to listen when I have something to say and not just keep talking or brush my thoughts off as if they are of no importance?  I already speak so very little, so when I do speak it would be deeply appreciated if you took the time to listen to the few words coming out of my mouth and not just wait for your turn to speak.  Is that how people communicate these days?  I mean WTF? I feel as if I’m the type of person who lets you say your say completely before interrupting or trying to speak over you to shut you up when you have something to say.

I just felt slighted today and a bit fed up.

I mean I’ve listened to every Tom, Dick and Harry moan and groan on and on, just verbally vomit their entire day’s events and feelings all over me no matter how bladdie dry it might have been – I, for some fudged-up reason, understand that it is important to lend an ear to your fellow man as it’s good to have someone around to listen even if what they’re talking about is how they watched paint dry for five hours or how rude the lady at the grocery store till was.  There’s nothing you can do to help them, they just need a witness to their day…another soul to validate that that day: they were alive.  Clearly the fact that they’re talking to me must mean there really is no-one else around who has the time to listen.  All I ask is that for ONCE when I want to talk a bit more, go a bit more in-depth about how my day went that who I’m talking to would give a man a chance to just speak – just do a man a solid you know? Most times I’m good, but it would be nice every once in a while for my thoughts to be heard and not brushed off or shut down as if they’re small fry and have no place standing next to your gargantuan end-of-the-world dilemmas and therefore not given two seconds of your valuable time.  Anyway, I’m just venting in the only place I know I can.  

I mean goodness man! I listened to a sermon on joy today, about bringing it back given by Pastor Joel Osteen and I enjoyed and agreed with what he said – I even laughed a bit while listening.  I agree, it’s good to laugh and I enjoy it thoroughly though I know I don’t do it enough usually because I’m focused on how much I suck at everything and that depresses me so it’s hard to laugh at silly crap.  I don’t even feel qualified to share jokes with guys at work – I don’t find their jokes funny for the most part or between guys it’s usually a pissing contest (with girls now too it seems) about who has the smartest comeback in terms of banter and I never have anything quick or smart to say so they always shut me down.  It frustrates me because I feel less than them and I’m sure they feel as if they’ve owned me and that I’m pathetic or boring.  When I feel this way, belittled and depressed the anger builds and I feel like swearing at everyone or breaking something or punching a wall because I don’t know how to be, socially.  I struggle to keep up with regular folks’ interactions, I just don’t have the confidence or I don’t want to be rude or don’t want to say anything bad especially if they come back with something worse that I don’t have an answer for, that would truly bog me down mentally.  

I’m always feeling some type of way about something and find myself caring about how I feel about everything and less about doing anything of any value…as long as I feel good that’s all that matters it seems.  Is this all there is to me?  

Can’t be Lord, can’t be.

I dunno.  I hate having to force interactions with people, I hate small talk, I hate chit chat, but it seems that’s the only way to make connections – I almost feel that if I was born in the time of hand letter-writing as the only form of communication I would have enjoyed being alive, but alas I know (because of my faith) that I was born here in this time for a reason – what that reason is still baffles me no end…hopefully Jesus will reveal it to me before I die.  Please Jesus, throw a man another bone man, asseblief.

I’m so angry and disappointed in how my life has turned out up until now, I feel as if I’ve let everyone including myself down.  I get ticked off by the smallest little things.  I’m trusting in the Lord and hoping that days like these will become less and less with time.   I’ve never felt more isolated than I do now, even when surrounded by so many people – it seems as if I don’t fit in anywhere…to add to that I removed myself from Facebook five years ago, deleted my LinkedIn profile last year and installed and then removed Instagram not long ago, so other than a barely active Twitter account: this is my only ‘real’ connection to social media.  My physical youth is fading and I have yet to experience what it is to be ok in my own mind and body which is why I cling tightly to my faith through YouTube church sermons, church on Sundays and my Bible.

In all honesty it would be cool to have the type of conversation I used to have with my first Love, I miss those true, honest, two-way conversations.  I think I was really dumb having asked her out when perhaps I was confused by her authenticity and kindness toward me, there was no-one before or since that I’ve been able to connect with so naturally and so deeply other than kin-folk who have known me since day one.  I would have had a friend for life if only I was more mature when I met her…she had always had many close friends, both guys and girls.  My ex made me feel strong even if it was for a brief period before I let her deeper into my dark heart – no-one has entered in and hung around. Even though it’s kinda depressing, I’m so grateful that the Lord allowed me the opportunity to meet her and spend time with her for the times we did – each day that passes I think ‘How the hell did I get lucky enough to meet such a quality person?’  Someone who had an active, healthy lifestyle long before it became the cool thing to do because of social media pressure, also someone whose company the people around me now would have enjoyed so much.  I’m also so grateful for my immediate and extended family, they’re sort of stuck with my sombre ass.  My bro-cousins are champions though: they’re the few okes I can manage to keep smiling with as long as I’m around them.  Anyway, I digress.

My venting is over.  

I know I’m outwardly blessed, but I lack the willpower to battle through this funk in my mind right now. I’m trusting in the Lord…he’s probably waiting on me to make a move. Ai.  I know my problems aren’t even proper external ones out of my control like dread disease or the great affliction suffered by Job in the Old Testament or like those of any disadvantaged person in South Africa really today – I’m lucky enough to have access to a PC to vent my thoughts, bladdie lucky in fact.  Imagine what would happen if circumstances changed for the worse or I ended up on the street, there are much worse struggles being faced by many others out there every day, of course I acknowledge this…I’m lucky to have what I do and to be where I am.  

Sometimes it’s just good for a person to let off steam and gain some perspective again.

I hope like when Jesus healed the paralyzed man and told him to get up, take his mat and go home in Mark 2:11, one day when I’m healed of this depression and self-doubt: these Tumblr posts will be evidence (as TD Jakes explained) of the incredibly tedious slog I went through before finding peace and confidence.  These posts will be my proverbial ‘mat’, the proof that will bring glory to God and prove His (and only His) ability to fix even the most seemingly irreparable people when all is surrendered to Him.

Thanks for your time internet.

Peace out.

[adrienaline-rushed-art]

Tomato Soup and Lemon Zest: Catiac Agreste

Rating: Teen

Chapters: 2/3

ao3  fanfic   1 - 2 - 3

Notes: This is not how I thought this chapter would go, and I intended this to be two chapters wtf

P.S. Please let me know what you think! (Also, if anything is offensive, tell me, I like to consider people's feelings) 

based on this post

Comment if you want me to tag you in the next update, otherwise check the tag #adrinathdrawingfic

@samantha-girlscout @artgirllullaby @miraculouslyme @breeeliss @itsmegan347official @deadstache @tallsuperstar @b0n3-crush3r

Also, @yourfavouritekindoftrash made a fic based on the same post, check it out under the tag #adrinathdrawingfic

“Oh my God,” Adrien fell back on his bed, hugging his pillow to his face to suppress the ever waiting wail he’d let out.

Plagg blinked at him slowly while chewing on a slice of camembert. He could almost see the red in Adrien’s face burning through the cushion.

“Plagg…”

“Yeah?”

“Plaaaaaggg…”

“Um, yeah?”

“PLAA-”

“YEAH. OK. Adrien, I’m listening… just say whatever it is before I stop caring.”

Adrien sighed, sitting up suddenly and resting his head in his hands. “Plagg, what have I done?” He groaned, “Did you see the way he looked at me?! Why am I so stupid?!”

“I dunno, but why did it take you so long to realize this?”

“That I’m stupid?”

“No, that you were putting on the dumbest show back there.”

“Not helping!” Adrien reached back at flung a pillow at Plagg.

Plagg laughed as he dodged. “What was it you said right before you left? ‘Don't miss me too much’? I would've paid a million bucks to see the face he made one more time.”

Adrien felt like throwing up. He had ended up flirting with Nathaniel so heavily that he might as well have slapped him in the ass and whispered ‘meet me at my place’ in his ear.

He didn't know where it had come from. Well, he knew how he'd become attracted to Nathaniel. Just one partner class assignment and he couldn't stop smiling at the mention of his name. The moment he had a chance to talk to him again it felt like his heart was a news broadcast and someone had snatched the mic from his hand to shout ‘fuckerightinthepussy’.

Adrien wanted to snort at the meme he had recalled, but he was too busy panicking.

He slipped his hand into his pocket and pulled out his phone, instantly flipping it upright and pressing the home button in one swift movement.

His thumb hovered over Nino’s name before he caught himself. He couldn't call Nino, he didn't even know about this. He tapped on Alya.

No answer.

Didn't Alya live on her phone? What the hell was he supposed to do now? Was he willing to tell Marinette? She wouldn't be as bad as Nino, and she was honest, so if she made a promise she wouldn't break it. She'd probably understand, after all she knew a thing or two about having a crush.

Screw it.

The phone picked up almost immediately, making Adrien jump.

“Hey, Adrien, this is a pleasant surprise. You never call me,” Marinette’s voice was gentle and relaxed. Adrien didn't feel insecure anymore.

But he was still a nervous wreck of course. “Ha! Yeah, hey Marinette… guess I don't call you, huh?”

“So, what's up?”

“I wanted to tell you something- oh, but you have to promise to keep it a secret! Even from Nino, I'm afraid… but I just need to talk to someone about this.”

“Are you coming out to me?”

“Uh, well, that’s not exactly-”

“I FUCKING KNEW IT.”

“I-”

“You have it bad for Nathaniel don’t you?”  

There was a pause on Adrien’s side. He gasped abruptly, “Did Alya tell you?!”

“No, it was just obvious. Don’t hate me but one time, when it looked like I was texting someone, I was actually filming you so that I could subtly drop Nathaniel’s name and watch your face light up. Here, I’ll send it to you.”

Adrien tapped on the notification ‘MARINETTE HAS SENT YOU A VIDEO’.

“DELETE THAT VIDEO RIGHT NOW.”

Marinette snickered. “Nope.”

“Come on, that’s so embarrassing!”

“I didn’t know you were capable of embarrassment. I mean, you’re the one who took a picture in your underwear and plastered it on the cover of a magazine.”

Adrien let out an impatient sigh, “First of all, it’s not like that was my idea, and second-”

“Alright, alright, I’m sorry. I’ll delete it…”

“Thank you.”

“After I save it to my laptop.”

“Hey! You hang around Alya too much…”

“I do, thank you.”

“So… um…”

“Uhuh, we were talking about your gayness.”

“About that, I didn’t even know about it? That’s why I didn’t really see this as coming out or anything, it all happened so fast, I met Nathaniel and he just- like a truck- he just-”

“Caught you by surprise?”

“...Yeah…”

“Don’t worry, I get it. All too well. So, otherwise you had no idea you were into guys?”

“Not at all. In fact I’m pretty sure I’m still into girls… at least at some point, I’ve met a couple girls I found cute.”

“Naturally. Alya and I are touched that you find us cute by the way.”

Adrien laughed. “You’re welcome? But, no offense, you didn’t make me feel the same as Nathaniel, you know?”

“I mean, that’s the whole point of falling for someone, Adrien.”

“Right but, I’m a little confused about my sexuality right now…”

Marinette took a deep breath, audible over the phone. “Look, as your friendly neighborhood bi, I can confirm that it sounds like you too are a bisexual. Welcome to the club. But you’re the only one who can figure yourself out, don’t just take my word for it.”

“Oh yeah, I forgot that was a thing…”

“What the hell? Are you serious?”

“Kidding. But I just wasn’t sure because I don’t feel like I’m equally attracted to guys and girls?”

“That’s completely normal,” Marinette chuckled, “But anyway, I’m pretty sure you intended to talk about something else?”

“Right…”

Adrien told Marinette everything. From the awkward hello to the cringey goodbye. He felt surprisingly better after venting to her, and he wanted to do it more often.

“You mentioned Chat Noir a lot…” Marinette smiled so hard Adrien swore he could hear it.

“Yeah, and? I wanted to see if he had a type, and I consider myself to be very similar to Chat Noir.”

Marinette snorted. “Yeah, right! You wish!”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Well, you’re great and all, Adrien, but according to the story you just told me… you aren’t nearly as slick as Chat Noir.”

It took every bone in Adrien’s body to refrain from yelling into the phone ‘I AM CHAT NOIR’. Instead he just mumbled, “Thanks a lot, Marinette.”

“No! Adrien, I didn’t mean- ok, here’s what I think about you and Nathaniel. Maybe your moves wouldn’t have charmed me, but I don’t have a single doubt that Nathaniel is thinking about you just as much as you are of him. Whatever it is you wanted to do about it, just do it! There’s no point moping around and waiting…” Marinette’s voice seemed to go faint as she finished speaking, as though she had to convince herself of her own words.

Adrien knew she was right. It didn’t take him long to think about it, thank Marinette, and take a chance.

* * *

Nathaniel couldn’t believe it. Just a couple of hours ago, he had teased the idea of being carried away from danger by Chat Noir, and now it was a reality.

He had been sitting in the park, scribbling away again - and trying to keep his mind off of Adrien, who seemed to be particularly invasive of his thoughts - when he had a sudden feeling of being watched.

Out of Nathaniel’s view, Chat Noir was perched on a building near the park. He had been smiling down at him, trying to decide on an appropriate introduction.

I had a feline you’d be here. No…

It’s quite the purrfect day for the park, isn’t it? Ugh, no!

Maybe an introduction wasn’t appropriate at all. Chat Noir almost got up to leave when screams suddenly filled the streets and swarms of ninja-like creatures were flooding the park.

About four of them surrounded Nathaniel,  who look petrified for a brief moment but swallowed hard and replicated his best fighting stance. Chat Noir allowed himself to be amused for a little while, grinning at the sight of his brave little boy. He hopped down with his staff and within seconds Nathaniel’s attackers were down. Before more of them could approach, Chat Noir put his arms under Nathaniel’s knees and back, and swept him off his feet.

It was everything Nathaniel had imagined. Forget the wind in his hair and the view of Paris, he could feel Chat Noir’s heartbeat against his thigh, he could feel his working muscles pull and shift under his fingers. Something he hadn't considered in his fantasy was that he was close enough to take in Chat Noir’s smell. Such a familiar smell…

Chat Noir settled him down gently. “You're safe now.”

Nathaniel fixed his hair. “I would've been fine, but thanks.”

“Oh really?” Chat Noir smirked, raising an eyebrow.

Nathaniel’s eyes trailed along with Chat Noir’s hand, rubbing up along his slender side and resting on his waist.

“W-well, you had some pretty good moves though, I wouldn't mind taking some pointers from you.”

“And I wouldn't mind giving them to you, want me to teach you?”

“Seriously?”

“Of course, just tell me when and where, I'll be there,” Chat winked.

Before he knew it, Nathaniel was spilling out some times they could meet; and he was staring helplessly as he watched Chat Noir turn around, crouch down low, and spring away. Adrien's spot in his mind was being compromised. Dammit, what was he supposed to do now?