#ugh i cant believe im done with this it took so stupid long

[gringolet]

galahad on the quest

details under cut

[ushijimasgirlfriend]

so this is my first ever writing any of these so im sorry if its bad.

contains: angst, smut, heavy degradation, rough sex, slapping, kinda really mean ): this also contains usive of drugs, toxic relationship LIKE CRAZY.

this includes only ushijima sorry.

so you come home high off pills because you have been so depressed and had a bad day. ushijima knows about your fight with drugs and he hates it. not because hes a goody two shoes it’s because he cares for you, a lot.

so when you come home high off pills you dont even try to hide it you just try and avoid him but he was waiting for you because he was made dinner for you. he heard you come in and welcomed you but he never heard you say anything back.

he goes looking for you around the house and he finds u laying on the floor of the living room, he already knows.

his first thought is to yell at you, so he does. he says what the fuck are you doing. you struggle to look at him because you dont know where he is. you looking around and see him with a dissapointed face, which took you back in junior year when your father first found you off drugs. you get scared at the face he makes and instantly apologize.

hes so mad. you say im sorry am i annoying you, ill go to the other room. he instantly snaps, what the fuck y/n! you dont even look like yourself. get the fuck up off the floor. you say you’re making me nervous stop ushijima. he says no and pulls you up aggressively by the wrist and dragging you to the bathroom. you scream and yell ow to-toshi! stop that youre hurting me. he doesnt answer but he slams you against the wall and throws you on the floor yelling in your face so now you’re coming home high off drugs again?! i thought you stopped that. you laugh in his face not able to control yourself saying sorry i didnt mean to just today okay? ushijima just stares at you in disgust. thats bullshit he then continues to drag you to the bathroom.

once you get to the bathroom he forces you too look in the mirror, look at yourself, you look stupid. you’re nothing but a body only good for drug abuse. you stop your breathing and stare yourself in the eyes, you start to sob uncontrollably. you tell him to let you go but he only grabs you harder. you let out a scream and he whispers in your ear ‘what a fucking disgrace. leave. get your shit and leave.’ he lets go and throws you out the bathroom while he closes the door locking himself in.

you cant hear anything but silence. he screams but all you can hear is pain. did i do this to him? hes right i have to leave. but you cant get yourself to get up. tears still falling down your cheek. you yell and bang on the door ‘ushijima let me in please’ he doesn’t respond so you fall on the floor crawling up in a ball. you hear him whisper form the bathroom ‘i did everything for you. i tried everything to help you.’ you bitch he yells and you can hear him punch a whole in the wall. your eyes widen and your hand goes over your mouth because you dont want him to hear your sobs.

he opens the door grabs his keys and walks to the doorway. ushijima please dont go im sorry i’ll just leave so you can stay. i need you, i need your help. please you look at him as if he is your last resort. and he is. he just looks at you and says get up. you try your hardest to get up but cant do it, the pain, your body doesnt let you. and you know it’s because of those pills. after trying so hard you look up at ushijima you see him walk towards you. he puts you on his back and brings you outside and locks you out.

you thought he was coming out with you. you dont even try to knock or try and get in you just go to the backyard and you cant even walk right. you get in from a window. you cant hear anything in the house but you know he is in there. you look around the house quite as possible. you find ushijima with his head in his hands. you whisper his name. he looks back and says i knew i should have locked that window. he gets up passes by you and you look back and you see him stop in the middle of the hallway he turns back with his head down, hes coming back for you. he grabs your wrist and you can see his bloody hand from when he punched the wall. you dont say anything.

he brings you to the bed and says strip. you do as he says in complete silence avoiding eye contact. when you’re done he says look at me. you look him dead in the eye as you see him undress. you try and break eye contact but he slaps you and says ‘you fucking druggy i said look at me’ you cant believe he even touched you. you sob, you guys hear nothing but your sobs while you continue to look at him.

when hes done undressing he looks at you and says your cheek is red, its your fault. you punch him but it doesnt effect him. youre weak compared to him. he pins you to the wall and says you cant do that. youre going to get punished for that. im not even going to lie y/n, your hair looks amazing today but all your fighting ruined it. you whimper choking out a small ‘sorry ushijima’

he slaps your bare thigh and bites your neck. he pushes you on the bed and says look at me y/n. im hurting you i know, but give me consent. you look at him and nod your head. you think to yourself how did this even happen. im totally fucked.

you look down in fear and see his hard as fucking rock cock. you look up at him and hes staring at you. ‘i know you want it, i’ll give it to you.’ he then grips your thighs and you see that hes about to eat you out. he then without any warning blows on your sensitive clit, you jolt your body up. he takes his big hand and bushed your body down ‘do not move.’ you try your best not to move as he enters his tongue into you. as he is moving it in and out hes rubbing his thumb on your clit. you moan non-stop. as you reach your climax you yell ‘ushijima i-im gonna cum’ as he hears that he stops what hes doing and says okay.

you realized hes edging you on. you yell and say why would you do that ugh! ‘you want my cock? huh right? you slut say it.’ you finally say yes ushijima please i want you cock so bad. he then shoves his cock all the way in. you yell so loud you think the whole neighborhood heard. he didnt let you adjust to his size at all. he covers your mouth and says ‘shut up and take this fucking dick.’

he starts thrusting in and out faster and faster as you hear him moan, which only made you feel better. he says ‘this is what you get when you make me like this. this is all your fault this would have never happened if you were just a normal girl.’ you start tearing up and he notices and ignores it. still thrusting in and out, faster and faster. you yell ‘im going to cum toshi, please go faster.’ he does ‘cum with me baby.’ as you both reach your climax and cum on his dick as you feel him fill you with all of what he has.

he looks at you while tears are falling. ‘clean up, you look dirty’ while he whipes off your tears. he gets up and throws his oversized tee-shirt at you thats smells exactly like him. he then throws on boxers and brings you to the kitchen where he still had the dinner prepared from earlier. ‘dont fucking do that again y/n or i will go crazy.’ you just nod as you drank some water.

THE END HEHEHHEEHEH

omg okay so im sorry if this was too long, bad, or even way too much for some of you guys but ive been wanting to see one of these really bad so i made it myself. sorry if i made any of you guys uncomfortable:,(. even though i know ushijima would never do this to a woman, this was just the point of the story ig ‘ushijima in a toxic ass relationship’ can you guys PLEASE tell me how you feel about this bc its my first story ever hehehhe. anyways maybe even put in some recommendations. also sorry if there were typos lol



[karmanticmoved]

1-85 uwu

j esus okay

1. describe yourself.

uh,, emotional ig, dumbass, quiet, exhausted all of the time, v queer, healthy mix of feminine and masculine, insecure, and not tha t great tbh. kinda a pussy ass b itch

2. if you could go anywhere for a week all expenses paid where would it be?

idrk. maybe somewhere like a hella nice beach in another country, maybe somewhere in europe. i like travelling but i hate the travel to get there and have no money so i havent put thought into it. maybe hawaii or somewhere like that.

3. do you have siblings?

the one thats still alive is my half brother

4. what is your favorite constellation, why?

orion maybe bc i don't know a lot but i can see that one from my bedroom window even in the city n idk. its comforting. or scorpius cause i'm a scorpio

5. favorite color.

yellow, pink, or blue.

6. what kind of music do you listen to?

almost anything. whatever catches my interest.

7. favorite flower. (you can name as many as you want cause flowers are awesome)

forgot what i said last time but those

yellow carnations i think?

8. if you could do magic, what is the first spell you would learn?

maybe smth to put myself to sleep immediately bc f uCk

9. favorite childhood memory.

my summer camp memories are pretty great. also memories of my dad and i going fishing are good.

10. have you ever been cheated on?

i mean in theory i couldve been bc online relationships but no. n im polyam and have identified as such for a majority of my relationships so no.

11. if you could describe your perfect room, what would it be?

big but not too big, yknow? like big enough that it can be filled and have room to walk around and lay on the ground or whatever but not Empty. and a pretty big bed to stretch out on, n a closet in the room. multiple windows w blackout curtains so theres light but it can be blocked out. n fluffy rugs or carpeting but preferably rugs in case smth spills so we can get it out of at least Remove the rug. and probably a cat tree thing in corner for dipper. n a computer desk and actual lights that light up the whole room. but probably,, fairy lights too bc full lights too bright. and i kinda want a pink room but blue or yellow work also. a nd pride flags on the walls + posters and various other stuff bc plain walls are boring. and tons n tons of b ooks too.

12. favorite animal.

river otter

13. what was the last photo you took of?

cat

14. do you believe in soul mates?

i'm not sure. i do kinda think there are people who you will like. really really click with and who become so important in your life that they're like. apart of u yknow? but i don't think that anyone as an individual needs to keep those people in their life forever. they arent destined to stay with them, and they shouldnt force that relationship (platonic, familial, romantic, or whatever) even if they were close for years and years. screw destiny. youll have people you care about, and sometimes you have to break that bond to save yourself, and thats okay. there will be other people who can and will be just as important. that got kinda off topic skbsks. i don't think theres really like Destiny soulmates. but there could be like. soulmates in the sense of for however long we're together, we're soul bonded. even if its not forever. does that even make se nse skbsns

15. do you hang toilet paper over or under?

over is the one thats socially acceptable right

16. your go to place to eat & your favorite thing to get there.

idk theres a place near a movie theater closeish to my house and its a nice little cafe and i dont eat there bc i dont eat much in general but i get their bubble tea and i love. raspberry bubble tea w rose popping bubbles. its comfort drink.

17. do you believe everything happens for a reason?

no. sometimes shit happens for no reason, and its bullshit, but you can't reverse it, so you gotta figure out how to move on from it.

18. guilty pressures?

im assuming thats meant to be pleasures

umm,, idrk. i don't know what exactly i like that would count as a guilty pleasure so,,

19. favorite mythical creature, why?

merpeople are s o cool i fuckin. love funky aquatic pals hell yeah. maybe im just Water babey but. they're rad. dragons are also hella cool bc like dragons???? theyre scaly and prett y and can breathe fire or have wings and kill u?? also like selkies bc again. water. but i used to hear a lot of stories abt them and theyre so nea t

20. something most people don’t know about you.

i have the potential to be a huge asshole and also kinda Wish to fuckin murder someone sometimes but. i act nice most of the time anyway.

not murder murder but i can get angr y enough that i just wanna Stab smth

21. where did you grow up, what was it like?

grew up kinda near the edge of the city, still in it but not like the main city area. in western washington. it was kinda rly boring, i used to spend a lot more time outside or just by myself playing with leaves or toys or whatever. when i had friends i played make believe w them even when outside of school. so yeah. boring id say.

22. do you believe aliens exist?

sure.

23. what was your last google search?

other than names for some actors n stuff, i was looking up various star wars things

24. what did your last relationship teach you?

the one that like. ended? i guess thatd be. be careful with your own feelings and try to figure them out before jumping into anything, and also don't try to force smth that in reality isnt really working.

25. would you relocate for love?

honestly yeah

26. do you hold grudges or forgive easy?

both. it just depends on how badly i or someone i care about was hurt by it. more likely to hold a grudge if a friend was hurt by someone d eep enough to leave a lasting impact or if they don't get a genuine apology i will be 🔫🔫. or if the person keeps hurting them. even if that person is also my friend.

27. favorite book.

favorite graphic novel is bloom by kevin panetta

favorite books in general are autoboyography, more happy than not, and what if its us. all gay. i know. its okay. im a kinnie.

28. do you consider yourself an extrovert or introvert?

introvert by far

29. have you ever kept a journal, do you now?

i tried once. i probably will have to once i go see a therapist, or at least one for my Bad Thoughts

30. top 5 favorite movies.

in no particular order

little shop of horrors, love simon, coco, it (2017 and 1990), and shazam! ig? maybe others but i definitely Forgot all the shit ive watched

31. do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

no

32. what is your greatest fear?

definitely gotta be all of the people i love hating me and abandoning me or secretly hating me and then leaving me without saying anything. and the worst part is im always afraid its gonna happen babeyy

33. favorite alcoholic beverage.

im baby

34. most embarrassing thing you’ve done.

im embarrassed by my own existence. i don't remember the Most embarrassing thing

35. do you believe in ghosts?

not until i have proof that i can actually trust and believe in

36. what is the best and worst part of your personality?

idk ig im nice. but im also. very easily set off on certain emotions especially the bad ones which sucks like especially jealousy bc i dont wanna!! feel jealous!! tho i think that ties into my greatest fear bc my brain immediately tells me im useless to everyone and they hate me. but. sometimes i get jealous and then feel bad for that and then hate myself for all of it. bc my friends deserve to hang out w other people and care about other people im just fucking stupid babey !!

37. should you split the dinner bill?

i rly don't get why you wouldnt tbh like if u both wanna be there u should both pay. but if one person gonna pay it should be the person that asked.

38. are you a good liar?

most of the time. when it comes to my mental health i can either lie great or im literally breaking down in front of the person so

39. what keeps you up at night?

depressing thoughts. anxiety about everything. wishing i could cuddle and fall asleep w jay. sometimes i just cant sleep bc im too restless.

40. would you rather go without your phone or music?

music. i need my phone to text my friends and i Need my friends

41. do you believe in god?

what god would let the world get to the point its at. what god would allow people to do such fucked up shit.

no. i don't.

42. how do you relax when frustrated?

cry, take a nap, take a shower, listen to music, cuddle dipper

43. what’s something that offends you?

when people go "oh yeah i support gay rights but im still gonna eat at chick fil a bc its good" like i get so fucking. pissed off by that. youre not gonna fucking s ta rv e without their goddamn chicken. i know a bi person who goes there and says its okay bc they dont Directly Give Their money to Specifically anti gay organisations but im just. ugh. fucking pissed bc there are other places to get food just avoid the one place for fucks sake. their food is good it doesnt matter. its like saying yeah pewdiepie is a bad person and nazi and a racist asshole but his videos r funni haha so im gonna watch him anyway

44. favorite food

i hate myself whenever i eat food

45. if you were on a 10 hour flight and could sit and talk to any person the entire time, who would it be?

@destinedformuchmore or @pinaplelee

46. when do you feel the most confident?

never? but ig i feel confident when working on tech construction during theater tech. as long as i know what im doing.

47. what do you do in your free time?

sleep. draw. cry. play video games. talk to my friends.

48. is there anyone who has completely lost your respect

matpat did for being a dick abt neopronouns and making a transphobic joke and only apologizing when a cis person told him to. not when hundreds of trans people did. and also other jokes that are inherently offensive to various groups. a n d for making extremely not Child friendly jokes in his videos which are very much targeted towards kids. say what you will about the target audience, there are a lot of children who watch them. please stop making creepy nsfw jokes if you won't even swear, sir.

49. have you ever broken someone’s heart?

i guess so yeah. but she also broke mine first.

50. did/do you play sports in school?

i did. i don't anymore bc highschool sports are bullshit but. basketball, ultimate, and soccer.

51. when are you happiest?

talkin 2 jay prolly

52. coffee or tea?

tea

53. what is one possession you own you wouldn’t want to live without?

my binder. or my stuffed cat puppet thing ive had since i was 7

54. what is the first thing you notice about a person?

their general emotions, mostly. like if theyre in a good mood or if theyre bored or distracted or whatever. or if they seem interested in actually talking to me

55. what is your favorite season, why?

fall. my birthday, the atmosphere is nice, it's pretty, its hoodie weather.

56. what makes you laugh?

stupid little comments or jokes my friends make tend to make me laugh a lot harder than i should but jabdn

57. are you a clean or messy person?

a mix. i Cannot have some things messy or i will ksjqkd. Die but i don't make my bed too often bc its ha rd when its against 3 walls.

58. what is important for a successful relationship?

communication communication communicati

talk about ur goddamn problems n keep talking to each other.

59. what was your upcoming like?

if thats supposed to be upbringing

idk, very relaxed. pretty easygoing and kinda boring.

60. favorite holiday?

any holiday in december rly. i don't celebrate a Lot but the atmosphere and others celebrating is nice to see. i kinda wish my parents did more to embrace the jewish part in our family blike. whatever. christmas is fun.

61. what is the first thing you’d do if you won the lottery?

give half of it to my parents. and then probably use it for plane ticket

62. what’s the best pizza topping combination?

hawaiian pizza. pinapple n canadian bacon ty

63. favorite outdoor activity.

frisbee

64. how are you? honestly.

not great. i want highschool to end.

65. would you rather go camping in the woods or stay at a beach resort?

idk. camping is fun but if i get to stay at the resort for free i would rly love 2 stay at a resort tbh ive never done that

66. what is the most beautiful thing in nature?

waterfalls. or rivers or just. water in nature. and very green forests. aNd snow.

67. favorite type of candy?

none

68. if your life was a book, what would be the title?

i can and will do arson, an autobiography

69. what movie quotes do you use of a regular bases?

i quote john mulaney and whatever my obsessions are pretty regularly

70. what was cool when you were young but not cool now?

silly bandz. pokemon cards. these weird unicorn figures i collected

71. what’s the craziest conversation you have ever eves dropped on?

im mostly the one having the weird conversations

72. what’s the most interesting documentary you’ve ever watched?

i watched one about dogs and cats and their evolution which was lit

73. what’s the worst hairstyle you’ve had?

when i let the lady just go fuckin ham on my hair bc i was watching spirit that horse movie and didnt wanna stop so it was. rly bad bangs and hella short in back but not the sides

74. what do you like to cook?

whatever im hungry for. i don't have the energy to cook a lot

75. what’s the coolest animal you’ve seen in the wild?

really pretty tropical fish

76. what’s the funniest tv show you’ve ever seen?

idk. i rly like schitts creek its pretty amusing

77. do you usually follow your heart or your head?

heart at first but my head if things get bad

78. what is your favorite quote?

"i have a splitting headache and i think i'm dying. how are you?"

or a character just saying "try harder" when another failed to do smth.

this is supposed to be deep or whatever but im in a Mood

79. what’s the weirdest crush you have ever had?

once had a crush on a character in a minecraft parody lmao

80. what’s your love language?

sending shit that makes me think of them. n just. making tons of stuff for them both online and irl like bracelets.

81. do you ever feel alone?

oh yeah. all the time. im not but it feels like i am which sucks

82. ever been bullied?

yeah

83. are you usually early or late?

late bc of my parents rip

84. what kind of art do you enjoy most?

drawing, or writing. also theater.

85. what do you wish you knew more about?

i just wish i could remember everything ive learned more about. i know a lot i just forget all.

id like to know more about forensics tho

[rinthehecker]

Phantom planet part two

BOI IT DELETED HECKER

WHAT IM TEN MINUTES LEFT AND IT DELETED MY COMMENTARY BOI

ok basically I hate it it’s all u need to know there’s stupid stuff I’ll add back the main points I had BUT IM STILL SALTY IT DELETED MY COMMENTARY

(Hehe even my tumblr hates having phantom planet content on it rip)

VALERIE SHOULD HAVE BEEN IN PLACE KF THE MASTERS BLASTERS did vlad just forget she wa working for him

GO. INVISIBLE DANNY YOU HAVE INVISIBILITY FOR A REASON

That was stupid he dissed Val on live tv since when did their relationship change

CONTINUITY WHO?

THAT. SHOULD. HAVE. KILLED HIM. NOT. TAKEN AWAY. HIS. POWERS. Thanks this has been a TED Talk.

Yo Danny Fenton he was just fourteen when the masters blasters walked in on his dead body cause he killed himself by being stupid in a ghost portal

Also since when did danny just become incompetent he’s a good ghost fighter he wouldn’t lose that badly and also where the heck did vlad find the masters blasters whered he find these random kids

They make no sense

Also that one scene where he tries to go ghost in the portal 10/10 angst that’s actually good I like that

Also good job jack standing up to vlad

Also why are they charging money nobody boutta believe that they need it vlads a billionaire shut up vlad you don’t need funding for ur dumb kids you’re paying to do your dirty work

Don’t reveal your ghost powers vlad

Hoe don’t do it

He done did it boi

Just nope

(Also out of context but oh no supernatural is ending I like that show)

Danny no ghosts are going to cooperate with you they all hate your guts

THAT BLAST WOULD KILL HIM NOT MAKE HIM A GHOST

WHERED THE SUIT COME FROM HE WOULD BE A GHOST WEARJNG HIS NORMAL CLOTHES WITH INVERSE COLORS HE LOST HIS SUIT WHEN HE LOST HIS POWERS

CONTINUITY WHO

HE. WOULD. BE. DEAD.

Also he can’t just use his wail and not transform back ever, he’d be too op butch stop this

Why would they even help him now he just blasted them all with his wail boi

What’s that bet gunna do they still won’t help u

Danny your plan is honsestly not that great

Nah they wanna beat u up

rip he dead

Ok wait what

They can see the asteroid then.... but it comes out through the earth the other side

What

Just what

CONTINUITY WHO

so what they just forget that their son is missing all of a sudden hm

Cameo time and that’s all we’ll see if the ghosts great

Why doesn’t clockwork just pause time and help them or smtg what

This is ridiculous but ok

Also this plan makes no sense

THE ASTEROID CANT BE OVER THEM AND ON THE OTHER SIDE KF THE EART THAT DOESNT MAKE SENSE BUTCH PLEASE STOP

Every time I see this I find more things that piss me off yay

Ugh

Also

How does this even work lmao

Oh hey there dani I see u

Aw that’s actually a nice danny and skulker interaction there’s smtg I don’t hate entirely

Also skulkers continuity btw half of the time they forget he’s a tiny boi in a robot

DONT DO IT

DONT YOU DARE TRANSFORM

HOE DONT DO IT

BOIIIIIII

HE HECKING DID IT

WHY IS VAL EVEN THERE

WHY ARE THEY ALL THERE

VAL WOULDNT CLAP SHED SMACK HIM THEN HUG HIM

NO WHY MAYOR TUCK

Ok Danny would HATE those statutes and that attention

He’d hate that just don’t

MAYOR TUCK MAKES NO SENSE WHAT WVEN HOW

THE TIME FOR SECRETS ISNT OVER

Why Danny why would you tell them all

You better have that reality gauntlet ready to erase everything

The characterization this episode was so bad

Also they pushed that relationship too fast they were so awkward and blush’s around each other they ain’t about to start kissing so much like that just boi

OK AFTER ALL I SAID ABOUT WHY DO THE GHOSTS EVEN NEED HELMETS IN SPACE AND NOW VLAD AINT EVEN WEARING IT

Hhhhhhhhhh

BOI

CONTINUITY WHO

Rip vlad lmao

Ok but that last line is totally sam I’ll give it that

OH THABK GOD ITS OVER

FINALLY

WHY BUTCH WHY WOULD YO DO THAT TO US

WHY U DO US LIKE THAT

UGH IM DONE

IM NEVER WATCHING THAT AGAIN OOOOOOFFFFFFF UGH THABK GOD ITS OVER

I regret this so much this was such a mistake

Well THANKS everyone I had a GREAT time so imma go cry now byeeeeee I hate everything

OH GOD I TOOK TOO LONG ITS REPLAYING NOPE NOPE NOPITY NOPE NO HECKKNG WAY BYE NO THANKS

DONT IM NOT WATCHING IT AGAIN NOPE ECIT THE HECKK OUT

CANCELED

ok bye I give up at everything and regret my existance

[vellihor]

選擇 ° chpt 2.

genre 》 skz mafia!au

word count 》 1857

warning 》 angst, violence, gore, etc.

__________________________________________________________

YUBIN

i knocked a few times on changbin's door. i roll my eyes as i hear loud rap music being blasted on the other side of the door. i slide the door open anyways. i see changbin punching furiously at the punching bag.

i walk over to the speaker to stop the blaring music, only to have my brother spin around to glare at me. seeing me, he hesitates before taking off his boxing gloves and hanging them up on the rack. i toss a towel at him, grossed out at the sweat dripping down his body. as he caught the towel in midair and cocked an eyebrow at me.

" we havent had sibling heart to heart talk in a long while changbin."

he motioned for me to sit down on his bed. which i graciously took up his offer on. i hugged his plushie, gyu, the only clean thing around the room. i watch as he pulls out a fresh shirt from his closet. he drags a chair from his desk to sit infront of me. then i decide to start the ball rolling.

" so whats your deal with minjung? hm? "  

i see him facepalm himself and groan into his palm. because changbin was older than me by two years, he always had trouble opening up to me. he felt as if he was not doing a good job as an older brother. thats why i started this heart to heart talk between the two of us. i waited as he lifted his head to look at me, thinking about how to put it in words.

" that woman simply ticks me off. shes single-handedly the most stubborn person i have met- "

" says you. "

i pressed my lips in a thin line as changbin gave me an unamused expression.

" i dont know we just dont work well together. i work well with anyone and everyone except her. she hates my guts, i hate her guts. we are even. then chan has to force us to work together. to be honest, i thought making the situation worse would make chan rethink about this shitty paring. guess i was wrong. "

" well from my point of view, i think the both of you should try to tolerate each other. i mean you have always been good at tolerating people. why not just tolerate each other. you guys cant jump at the first chance to kill each other. who knows maybe you guys will end up liking each other. "

he grabs a nearby soft toy and chucks it at me. probably from my last sentence. but i see him slowly consider my words.

" then whats with you and hyunjin trying to send each other to your respective graves huh? "

" thats a different situation! "

" mhmm tell me. how so? "

" ugh youre impossible. "

" lets make a deal then. if you try to get along with hyunjin, i promise to try to get along with minjung. "

i eyed him suspiciously and stuck out my pinky. he locked his pinky with mine. he shot me his goofy smile. i scoff at him as i lay down on his bed. he lies down next to me and we stay in a comfortable silence, staring at the ceiling. until i break the silence.

" do you ever miss mum and dad? "

he pauses before replying.

" all the time. i just wish they didnt leave so soon. maybe then we wouldnt have ended up like this. sure we have been through tougher things but i wonder how different things will be if they were still here. "

" remember that time we stole from the convenience store? we nearly ended up in jail. i still cant believe we survived by ourselves for so many years. "

he chuckles softly as he recalls the memories. ever since our parents died in a fire, changbin and i have always been relying on each other. i vaguely remember changbin sitting on the pavement and bawling his eyes out. his head was buried in his two hands as he sat there trying to comprehend the life-changing situation he had experienced. i remember twelve year old me being lost and clueless, wandering about in the crowd that had formed in front of the building. changbin shot up as soon as he heard my voice and engulfed me in a hug. the both of us had tried so hard to forget about that incident. but one of us would get a nightmare about it every now and then.

it has been five years since chan took us in and decided that we would have family members to look out for us. now we feel like SK is our family.

i watch as changbin stands up from the bed and looks at me in disdain before snatching gyu out of my hands. he strokes gyu before placing it down on the bed. changbin offers his hand to help me stand up. but i know better than to fall for that trick again. i push off the bed on my own. changbin looks offended that i didnt take his hand. i punched his left arm before walking towards the door. he gives me a look of pure pain and disbelief, while holding his left arm.

" did you just-? did you not hold back anything in that punch?"

" come on. dinner is about to be done. i bet you a hundred bucks that grandpa woojin is going to complain about how nobody helped him to prepare dinner. "

i chuckle as i slide the door open. i walked to living room, spotting hyunjin playing pool. changbin nudged me towards him. i scowled at my brother, only to have him flip me off. he shooed me off, mouthing "get along with him".

i walked to the pool table and picked up a cue stick. hyunjin pretended to not see me. i was going to give up being nice. but changbin was watching from the sofa. so i resorted to poking hyunjin in his ribs with the cue stick to get his attention. hyunjin saw it coming and dodged it before i even hit his ribcage. he sneered at me. i scoffed and threw my hands up.

changbin was still watching from the sofa. i took a deep breath before speaking.

" best out of three. loser treats the winner to a round of drinks. "

i sigh in relief as i see hyunjin consider my offer, nod and reset the pool table. i look towards changbin. he was giving me two thumbs up. i grin widely at him as i see him being awkward with minjung, who had just came out of the shower. he was trying so hard to start a conversation without being weird.

i turn my attention to hyunjin.

" ladies first. "

" wow hyunjin is being a gentleman for the first time. "

" hey take it or leave it. "

i say nothing as i rest my cue stick on my fingers.

__________________________________________________________

HYUNJIN

i eye the woman infront of me suspiciously. her behaviour seemed too abnormal today. she was actually being nice to me. just to clarify, that has never happened. ever.

yubin clears her throat and gestures to the pool table.

"um.... so i won and drinks after dinner are on you,"

i shrug and continue staring at her unknowingly, watching her put the cuestick down and run to the kitchen to help woojin with dinner.

i snap out of it when woojin shouted for everyone to eat dinner. i walked over to the dining table with jisung. dinner was the usual. everybody was talking loudly and enjoying dinner.

i noticed that changbin and minjung were talking to each other. i scrunched my nose in confusion. i nudged seungmin.

"whats with changbin and minjung?"

"what?"

"nobody realises that theyre being friendly to each other ????"

"yeah no dumbass. they are on a truce. they just said it just now. pay attention to the table conversation will you?"

"ouch, no need to snap at me like that. that hurt my feelings."

my mind wandered to yubin being not-so-hostile to me. she DID try to puncture my ribs with the cuestick.

__________________________________________________________

after dinner, i brought two bottles of beer up to the roof. i looked around looking for yubin but i couldnt see her anywhere.

"did she just bail on me?" i thought.

just then, i spotted a dark ball snuggled into one of the many oversized beanbags that jisung bought. i walked over to see her looking up at the sky. i plopped myself on the beanbag next to hers.

"so whats up there that got you staring for so long?"

she doesnt even look at me. no acknowledgement of my presence whatsoever. i scoff at her.

"wow so youre not even going to reply me? even after i got you beer? come on you have got to be kidding me."

after a few minutes of silence, i hear soft snoring coming from my right. "no way. no fucking way. is she sleeping?" unsure of what i had just heard, i snapped my head to look at her. leaning in closer to check if she was indeed asleep. upon a closer look, i realise i have been sitting next to a sleeping yubin.

i sigh as i sink back into my beanbag while taking a swig out of the bottle in my hand. after a few minutes, she stretches and somehow manages to hit my eye in a state of half conciousness. my right hand presses against the injured part. she recoils in shock and grabs onto my arm. her face was full of worry and she was starting the panic.

"ohmygod ohmygod i am so sorry. fuck fuck fuck. you need ice. wait here im going to go get ice for you. do not move."

i chuckle at her and removed my right hand.

"im not injured you dumbass. that was payback for making me wait for you to wake up."

she freezes with an unreadable expression. i stiffen at her reaction. she then slowly sinks back down in her beanbag with an almost inaudible "oh".

the atmosphere becomes awkward again. yubin clears her throat and reaches for her bottle of beer.

"um yubin?"

"what?"

"thats my bottle."

.

.

.

"yea i know. my bottle isnt open yet."

*awkward silence yet again*

*caw caw caw*

"so,, um hyunjin, do you have any siblings?"

*caw caw caw*

"uh....... sure yea of course i do. i have a twin sister and an older brother. my twin sister went missing when we were five and my older brother ran away from home when i was seven."

i looked over at yubin to see her mumbling to herself.

"hey dont worry its fine. really."

she looks at me with a forced smile.

"and your parents- ohmygod i just asked a stupid question didnt i? ah fuck sorry. im bad at this."

i let out a loud laugh as she facepalms herself. she gives me a questioning look.

"hey hey relax. no need to panic so much. just breathe okay? and yes to answer your question, i do have parents. both are healthy and fully alive."

"what about you, yubin? whats your story?"

"where do i even start?"

[the-taintedtruth]

‘13 Reasons Why’ Season 2 trailer - a frame by frame analysis (long post)

First of all the song is eerie as f

The school is going to be a big factor again

Clay is still pretty mopey and looks exactly the same (but the cut on his head has finally fucking healed thank GOD)

And he is possibly being threatened by dickhead Bryce who shouldn’t even still be walking around school!!!!!!!!!!! get the f out

Someone got pretty snap happy with their new Fujifilm mini. Polaroids are the new tapes, watch this space

Something tells me we’re not gonna find out who the other one is/ones are until the last episode and I’m gonna be calling in sick to work to find out immediately

Hannah’s sticking around in flashbacks and in Clay’s head (obvs cus how else can she lol). Oh and her hair grew back

I love these two together even if it’s all PRETEND

This pair are possibly working together like child detectives so everyone better fucking watch out. And Tony’s still rocking that leather jacket, you go girl

Almost forgot about this guy

What is this????? I don’t remember a letter in S1 except for the one Zach didn’t throw away, but why would Tony have it and why would he burn it? hmmmmm

“Who would believe a drunk slut” erm me actually????? I got u Jessica

Who’s this idiot living with now, he should be in jail too

Jessica’s made new friends (probs for the best)

Who the fuck is this imposter, I’m done with him already

Clay is losing it and clearly needs some therapy

What’s this and who is Picasso????

Lol just Ryan. Fuck off Ryan with your shit drawing

Tyler is still being pushed the fuck around yawn

More Polaroids. The photographer must be rich, do you have any idea how much film costs for those things

Also this is Clay, Sheri and who????? maybs Justin but why

Clay is done with ur shit Sheri

HE. So the Polaroid snapper is a he????? interesting

Justin seriously needs a shower, he used to be kinda cute :(

Someone’s whacked Bryce, congrats whoever you are

Also he says “we’re all in this together now”. REALLY who made u king of the world

Ok then Zach, traitor

HEREEEE he fucking is. Someone tell me he ain’t still a counselor

Sheri got a makeover and looks like she should be in Bratz the movie

I hate this motherfucker

Jess also had a makeover, lovin the hair

“This is proof of who they all are” i swear if this season focuses on a bunch of newbies who had fuck all to do with the tapes ill lose my shit

Possibly the door to Bryce’s pool house?????

Who’s dis running with Tyler

Omg no someone save my baby Clay!!!!!!!

However it looks like they’re doing this in the boys locker room at school and thats just stupid someone could easily walk in

Feel like Montgomery is gonna be a big part of the cast in S2 and i’m not sure how I feel about that. (He is cute tho)

Aw jess its all gonna be FINE

YESSSSS its what he deserves

“STOP THE SPIN” what does that even mean........

Momma baker got a new hair cut and its gross but i am excited to see daddy baker he was super cute

Now THIS is exciting, love a courtroom drama. he’s obvs gonna lie his fat ass off tho

U cant tell but Tony is shaking his head here like “youre a right piece of lying shit bryce ill run u over with my sweet mustang”

I’m 100% certain teachers cant do this to students but im FINE WITH IT

So Justin finally took a shower and looks pretty dapper here

“YOU TALK YOU DIE” whatttttt who did this????!!!!!!!!

(Also the music vamps up here and i live for it)

Angry clay getting angry slamming doors when im pretty sure his mom always tells him to leave it open

This is like the worst squad ever

Ffs who is THIS!!!!! I zoomed and think it’s a female but dont quote me

And who is this with Clay, he looks sketchy as f

Baseball is the new basketball

Who who who!!!!!! i need answerssssssss

Ugh bryce is such a gremlin get OFF HER

Tony getting ready to do serious damage

Possibly to ex bf Ryan?????

GOOD you should be crying (also get some new sweaters)

I don’t trust this bitch already

Clay and who???? And WHY put that down clay you’re like 10

Like seriously he cant ride a bike but he’s popping bullets?

Looks like Clay’s been beaten up AGAIN. seriously where are your parents (no for real where are they, i really like his mom)

Justin working with Clay??????

Feel like this scene is gonna leave me SHOOOOK. The way he says “no one’s gonna get justice for her” tears into my actual soul

Seriously clay put it down, who do u think u are

Oh my sweet angel. This breaks my heart every time, you should be resting in peace baby

IS THIS BRYCE TAKING THE PHOTOS

This makes me super uncomfortable but i enjoy her top

Detective Olivia Baker has had enough of your shit, ready for justice

Totally forgot about some of these people - Skye, ALEX, Pratters, COURTNEY!!!! where u at bitch

Someone fucked up Baker Drugs omg

I’m loving this friendship for some reason?????

More baseball ugh (also I don’t recognise anyone here and its making me sad WHERES THE ORIGINAL CLAN)

There they are lol and UGH there she is!!! And hold the fucking phone----- IS THAT ALEX????????? YAY HE’S ALIVE AND WITH NEW HAIR

Also this looks like they’re in a police station omg whos confessed to what

Who are u GET JESSICA’S UNIFORM OFF

This was super hard to screenshot, it could be Ryan and Tony but I dont think so

***Updated: It’s possibly Tyler and a newbie or two newbies

Looks like Bryce is getting an award for some sports shit again even though he’s raped half the people watching, no big deal

(Fun fact - his mom is Brenda Strong who played Mary Alice Young in Desperate Housewives and thats exciting to me. But anyway)

Tony punching Monty. I approve

What’s jessica running after!!!!

Ok this is a shit screenshot but it’s someone falling off their bike. it’s gonna be clay let’s be honest

AWWWWWW KISS HER

Or just scream in her face, whatever suits u xxxxxx

NOT LONG GUYS

[swoonnu]

In Your Orbit

“You see that star up there?” Mingyu takes his hand and points it towards the direction of his words. “There.” Soonyoung’s gaze followed the line of Mingyu’s long slender fingers. “That star is for you. When we’re old and crabby, and you go off to university and get a job, please remember me. When you’re studying the planets and solar system and teaching the world all the new science stuff, please remember you’re the brightest star in my universe.”

After graduating university, he moved to Japan to work for some scientific research program that studied the planets and get his Ph.D. Dr. Kwon Soonyoung, Ph.D., Doctorate of Planetary Science, that title held him in Japan for longer than he wanted to be there. During that time, life became too busy to talk, too hectic to write and too complicated to call.

Ever since preschool days on the playground, Soonyoung had found a sense of hope in the taller’s bright eyes. He was the gravity that held him in place when his mind seemed too clouded with self-doubt. You see, Mingyu was just that, he was hope. He was everything Soonyoung never knew he needed.

At age seven, he defended Soonyoung from bullies. At age twelve he gave Soonyoung his first kiss. And at age seventeen he gave Soonyoung his first heartbreak.

When Mingyu showed up at his bedroom window at 2 am, begging to be let in, Soonyoung obliged. When Mingyu excitedly talked about the girl he just kissed, Soonyoung listened. And when Mingyu told Soonyoung he was in love with her, Soonyoung’s heart broke into a million pieces.

At age twenty, Soonyoung came out to his best friend. Mingyu offered him no words but hugged him. The understanding and acceptance etched itself among his handsome features.

“University is so hard, Gyu. What if I’m not smart enough. What happens when I fail?”

“You’re the smartest person I know Soon; you’re doing so great.”

Four months later, Mingyu got his first modeling job, and Soonyoung took him out to celebrate.

“Soon you’re the best best friend a guy could ask for. Thanks for loving me.” Mingyu was drunk and happy. He was always happy, but drunk Mingyu was a sight that tickled Soonyoung’s heart.

“I love you soOOoooO muchhhhhhh.” Hiccup.

Two hours later, Soonyoung was dragging a very drunk, very heavy man to his bed.

“Kiss me Soonyoung.”

Soonyoung had successfully forced his feelings to the farthest corner of his heart, and moments like this, he begged his heart to stop betraying him.

“Gyu you’re drunk, sleep it off.”

“I know you’re in love me with, I’ve always known.” Hiccup. “And maybe I feel the same way.”

He looked down at his drunk friend, his heart threatening to beat out from his chest. “Gyu, stop please.”

Mingyu’s long fingers found purchase in the confines of Soonyoung’s sweater, pulling the elder closer than Soonyoung deemed necessary. “Please kiss me hyung.”

Whatever self-control Soonyoung had been able to muster at this point, was slowly flying out the window as Mingyu inched himself closer. “I know you want to; I know you’ve always wanted to. Well here I am, please take me. I’ve always been yours.”

There were no fireworks, no grand revelation. There was just warmth, warmth against Soonyoung’s lips and in the breaking of his heart. The warmth between them suddenly erupted as Mingyu pulled him ontop of his frame. Mingyu’s fingers were cold as they squeezed against the flesh of his hips. His breath was hot as it fanned across his collarbones.

Soonyoung squeezed his eyes shut, trying to ground himself from floating too high, too fast.

Please take me. Repeated against Soonyoung’s skin like a mantra, pulling him in deeper, reverberating against the cracks of his heart. “Gyu, you don’t want this. You’re not—you don’t feel the same.” In a feeble attempt to rid himself of the sudden rush of color to his cheeks, Soonyoung removed himself the body of his friend. “You’re drunk, just go to sleep.”

The small whimper that escaped Mingyu’s parted lips did little to calm Soonyoung’s aching heart. “I’m trying to tell you that I want this too. I’ve wanted this for a while. You’re so sure of yourself, Soon. So, sure of who you are and who your heart wants. But for me, I don’t know who I am. But right now, I’m sure that I’ve wanted you to do this for as long as I can remember. I’ve never done this before. Not with anyone. But I know I want to try with you. Please. Please just have me.”

Watching a six foot something man kneel before you, begging you to take him made every reservation Soonyoung had to disappear. He was not expert in the field of sex, but the little experience he had made him sure of enough things.

At twenty-one, Soonyoung woke up alone after taking his best friend’s virginity. And at twenty-one, his heart broke for the second time.

Five days later, Mingyu texts Soonyoung for the first time.

[text from puppygyu] I’m sorry

[text to puppygyu] I know

[text from puppygyu] can I come over?

[text to puppygyu] probably best if you dnt

[text from puppygyu] r we ok

[text to puppygyu] idk. u just left?

[text from puppygyu] im sorry

[text to puppygyu] me 2

[text to puppygyu] give me time

[text to puppygyu] we’ll b ok

[text to puppygyu] eventually

[text from puppygyu] call me when you change ur mind

Two weeks later and it wasn’t better. One month later and it still wasn’t better. Three months later and it finally got…easier.

And at twenty-two, Soonyoung moved to Japan. “You know Gyu, Japan is so cool, and everyone is so different. I wish you could see it.” I miss you was left unsaid.

“Soon, do you think I can visit for Christmas?”

“Yeah sure, kid.”

Christmas was when Mingyu told Soonyoung about him.

“His name is Wonwoo, and he’s so smart and mysterious, Soon. He owns the magazine company my agency works with a lot, and I want to kiss his face. He wears these round glasses all the time, and I’d like him to fuck me with them on.”

Soonyoung groaned with annoyance; he was tired and overworked. He was homesick and just wanted to eat real Korean food again.

“Oh. I shouldn’t tell you about this. I’m sorry.”

Mingyu had come to visit him like promised and all he talked about was this stupid new man in his life. He just wanted to punch his stupid face every time Mingyu spoke about him. “Gyu, you know it’s fine. I’m tired that’s all. We’re past those stupid feelings.”

When Mingyu returned home a week later, Soonyoung ignored his texts for a few days. Mingyu did not seem fazed, too busy with Wonwoo.

[text from mingyu] HE FINALLY ASKED ME OUT

[text to mingyu] fking finally

[text from mingyuI] he's so cute soon. Im dying.

[text from mingyu] wow I’m so gay

[text to mingyu] welcome 2 the club

After that, communication became infrequent. Soonyoung finally finished his program, finishing with honors and landed a job with a great company. Mingyu updated him on his dating life with Wonwoo and Soonyoung played along as being interested.

At twenty-four, Soonyoung met Jihoon and got his heart ripped from his body once again. A year and two months into their, honestly who knew what it was, (pinning for years after your first love doesn’t sit well for a potential boyfriend and said boyfriend being emotionally constipated, does not do well for any type of real relationship), Soonyoung watched as Jihoon packed his things and left his apartment for the last time.

An entire bottle of soju later, Soonyoung found himself drunk texting Mingyu. They hadn’t spoken for months, stubbornness or too busy, who knows.

[text to mingyu] he could have been the one u know

[text to mingyu] he could have made me happy

[text to mingyu] but NO u had to come into my life and fuck me up so tnks for that. I was fine pretending I dnt love u. and then u had to drunkenly hook up with me and suck me into the living hell that is being in love with u

[text to mingyu] I should have said no, I should have pushed u awy

[text to mingyu] I hate you kim mingyu I hate everything abut u and u stupid pretty face

 Incoming call from Mingyu….

“What do you want stupid?” Pause, hiccup. “Soonyoung, stop drinking.” His voice pulled a sob Soonyoung didn’t know he was hiding. “I love you, I’ve loved you my entire life, and you never loved me back. I finally thought you felt the same and then I woke up alone. How can you do that Gyu..how could you watch me break every time you saw me.” Soonyoung was openly sobbing now.

“Soonyoung you cant— I do love— “ Sigh. “Please just stop okay.” Silence.

“I think its best if you don’t contact him anymore.” That must be Wonwoo, Soonyoung thought. “He’s already hurt long enough over you.” Call ended.

At twenty-five Soonyoung needed a vacation, so he returned to Korea for his school reunion.

“I cannot believe it’s been so long. How are you? How’s Japan treating our Star?”

“Jeonghan, it’s been years since I heard you call me that. I’ve missed it. But it’s Hoshi would be the correct term now.”

“Oohhh, very Japanese of you.”  

“Work is hard, I feel like the stupidest person there, but I love it. How are you?”

“Seungcheol asked me to marry him. Which obviously, we can’t do here in Korea but its something.”

If Soonyoung choked on his beer, it was because of the news (not surprising news, those two had been together for 10 years) and not actually because he saw Mingyu make his way over to them, looking all type of fine.

“Oh look here, we have our world-famous model joining us. Mingyu, you tall, handsome man, hug me.” Seokmin pulled Mingyu into a hug, the latter gleefully reciprocating.

If Soonyoung drank his beer a little faster, no one mentioned it. “Hi, Soonyoung-hyung.” Ugh, so formal, Soonyoung hated it.

“Hi.” Was the only response he could muster up.

“Everyone this Wonwoo, Wonwoo this is Jeonghan, Joshua, Junhui, Seokmin, Sungcheol and—“

“Soonyoung, I’ve heard.” If the annoyance was evident in Wonwoo’s voice, no one mentioned.

Two hours later and everyone was drunk happy, reliving their childhood memories. Soonyoung was sitting across the table as Mingyu and Wonwoo stayed occupied amongst themselves.

“If you glare any harder, you’re going to burn holes in their clothes.”

“Shut up Seokmin.”

If Seokmin laughed a little too loud when Soonyoung slapped the back of his head, Mingyu and Wonwoo did not seem to notice.

When Mingyu and Soonyoung found themselves alone at the table later that night, Mingyu was the first to break the silence.

“Are we ever going to be okay?”

“Yeah sure, kid.”

“Don’t kid me. Answer my question.” Mingyu looked across the hall, watching Wonwoo talk with Jun. “Are you and I going to be okay?”

“What is your definition of okay Gyu?”

“Cut the bullshit Soonyoung.” He finally turned to look at him, “Look at me damn it. Look at me and see I am happy. I am finally happy with him, and you should be happy for me.”

“I am happy for you Mingyu.” Soonyoung finally looked at him, “I am happy for you, but I’m also still in love with you. I will never not be. But I am happy for you. I wish I could find that with someone else as easily as you.”

“You think it was easy?! You know nothing.”

“Then enlighten me how difficult it was for you?! When you weren’t the one who was hopelessly in love with your best friend for years. You know nothing about pain until you finally get the person you’ve been in love with only to wake up alone the next morning and not hear from them for days! You know nothing about heartbreak until you finally see that person and they can’t stop talking about someone else. You know nothing, Kim Mingyu and you’re an ass for thinking otherwise.” The commotion between them seemed to go unnoticed by everyone else.

“I left because I was scared and stupid. I didn’t know what it was like to be gay. I had never even thought of myself as gay. And then you showed up and made my heart feel complicated. And then you came out to me, and my heart thought there was something. And then I got drunk, and you looked at me, and I knew all along that I was in love with you just the same. And then I left because I was scared. But then you left thousands of miles away, and I broke done because I went looking for you. I came to your house but your mom told me you moved already, without even saying anything. You were my first everything. My first love and heartbreak. You were also the last heartbreak because I met him.”

“Well fucking congratulations to you. Please do me a favor and give me my fucking heart back.”

An hour later and Mingyu was carrying a very drunken, crying Soonyoung back to his hotel. “I’m sorry gyu.” Hiccup, sob. “I’m so sorry for everything.” Hiccup, sob.

“Shh, it's alright. I know.”

That night, Mingyu made love to Soonyoung. Mingyu had kissed the salty tears from his cheeks, a wordless promise he shouldn’t have made, and that morning, Mingyu was the one who woke up alone, and a single text from Soonyoung flashed across the screen of his phone.

[text from Soonyoung] everything is shattering, and it's my mistake

Two days later Soonyoung had returned to Japan, his heart broken more than before he left. He threw himself back into work, and when he got a text from Seokmin four months after returning, he was eager to see a familiar face.

[text from Seokmin] Let me crash at your place while I'm in jpn

[text to Seokmin] as long as you buy me soju

A week later and Seokmin and Soonyoung were drunk in the latter's apartment.

“Mingyu and Wonwoo broke up you know.”

“Oh yeah?”

“Yeah, Mingyu broke up with him.”

“Hmm, that’s strange. He seemed so in love.”

“Yeah.” Sip. “You still love him?”

“No.” Lie.

“Good.”

That night Soonyoung hooked up with someone other than Mingyu and Jihoon, and it was something. It felt great to feel needed and wanted, and Seokmin was a great addition to his wounded heart.

At twenty-seven Soonyoung found himself moving back to Korea for work and his heart wasn’t sure how to take it. Seokmin had been a constant partner over the last year, but neither wanted to be anything serious. They’d hook up every time Seokmin’s company brought him to Japan and after he’d return to Korea and they’d text randomly.

Mingyu had landed a big modeling gig that he invited the whole group of friends to tag along. Soonyoung had yet to see him since his return to Korea, and during the time Soonyoung had been gone, Wonwoo had implanted himself amongst his group of friends because he and Jun had started dating, Mingyu was actually pretty content with it.

“I don’t think I can go Seok. I mean, I haven’t seen him in a long time, and I don’t know what to say.”

“You’ve been friends your entire life; it’s not like you two are strangers. Plus, you’re with me, and he’s with some fancy photographer.”

“But we’re not actually together.”

“No one needs to know that.”

Pretending to be in a loving relationship with someone was easier than it looked but having a group of nosy, ever-present assholes for friends, made it harder to believe.

“We all know you two are just fucking and not actually together.” Damn you Yoon Jeonghan.

“So what.”

“As long as you two understand that and are happy. Leave them be babe.”

“Do not babe me Seungcheol; this is going to end poorly. I’m tired of walking on eggshells between our friends. It is exhausting.”

“Hyung, we’re okay. We know what we are doing.” Bless Seokmin and his ever-present happiness.

As Soonyoung watched Mingyu walk the runway later that night, he felt a sense of pride wash over his system.

“Hi everyone, this is Minghao. Minghao, this is everyone.”

“Oohhh Minghao is that a Chinese name I sense?!” Junhui had spoken in Mandarin to the fellow Chinese man.

“Yes, born and raised before moving to Korea about four years ago.” He responded in their mother tongue.

Two hours later everyone was eating and drinking, all enjoying each other’s company.

“So you and Seok? I never saw that coming.” The space on the couch next to him shifted as Mingyu sat down.

“It just sort of happened I guess, we’re not actually together though.”

“Yeah I know.”

“So Wonwoo and Junhui huh?” Soonyoung faced his former best friend.

“Yeah that too, just sort of happened. But I am happy for them.”

“We’ve really changed, haven’t we?”

“Yeah I guess we have, hyung.”

Soonyoung finally looked toward the younger and realized at that moment, how much the two had grown. “I’m so proud of you Gyu.”

Minghao and Mingyu did not last very long and when Mingyu ended up at Soonyoung’s door at 1 am, Soonyoung let him in. He was always letting him in.

“I love you.”

“I know.”

And that night, Soonyoung held a sobbing Mingyu while they drifted off to sleep. And that morning, Soonyoung woke up engulfed in Mingyu’s arms. He had stayed.

“Please don’t go.”

“I’m not going anywhere Gyu. I promise.”

Two months later and their friendship had returned to normal. It was like all the years of angst had never happened, but they refused to acknowledge the fact that they were still, hopelessly in love with each other.

At twenty-eight, Soonyoung attended his first wedding as a best man. Seungcheol and Jeonghan finally had their ceremony, still not legal in their country, they had all flown to the US Virgin Islands to experience a week-long wedding party.

“God he looks so fuckable in a suit Gyu. How is it that fair?!”

“You two are already fucking; you know what it’s like.” Mingyu laughed as a drunk Soonyoung ogled over Seokmin wearing a suit. “Your arrangement is weird. Just hooking up, for this long and no strings. I don’t see how he does it.”

“Yeah but but—“ Hiccup. “We’re allowed to do whatever we want and whomever we want. He’s pretty understanding and great and so fuckable.”

Mingyu laughed as he patted his friend on the back, “You’re in love dude. You want more, don’t you?”

Hiccup. “No. I am fine with that arrangement. Because I can still check you out and not feel guilty about it.”

“Even after all these years, huh?”

“Always. My sexy model of a best friend. You were my first love, and I’ll always want to bang you. Or let you bang me, either one is fine by me.”

“You’re a hot mess; you know that.” Mingyu laughed a took another sip of his beer. “I don’t want that though; I want what they have.” Soonyoung followed his gaze towards the newly married couple, “Don’t you?”

“I used to.” The response sounded unintentionally bitter against his tongue.

“Do you think we could have ever worked out?”

“No, we were pretty young and stupid.”

“And now?” Mingyu’s gaze found its way floating back towards Soonyoung, the latter already looking at him.

“We’re old and stupid.”

As the sun set that night, Mingyu found himself being pushed against the door of Soonyoung’s hotel room, the latter’s hands tugging at the hem of his shirt. “Take this off before I die.”

Mingyu obliged. “Oh my god.” The elder groaned as his hands traced the lines of Mingyu’s tanned stomach. “I forgot how hot you were.”

“You only want me for my body.” Mingyu laughed. “Right now, that is true.”

Soonyoung trailed his lips down the taller’s skin, leaving a trail of shivers with them. “Don’t regret me tomorrow, please.” Mingyu pleaded.

“There will never be a day that I regret you.”

As Mingyu pressed Soonyoung into the mattress that night, he felt his heartbreak, wishing for more.

By the fourth day of the trip, Mingyu and Soonyoung had spent more times buried inside each other than they had in the whole time they’d known one another. They had imprinted their names on each other’s skin, like tattoos marking their history together; taking and giving what they had tried so hard to forget.

“He’s in love with you; please be cautious.”

“Wonwoo, I know.”

“No, no you really don’t get it, Soon.”

“I’ve known him my entire life, and I was in love with him for most of it. I know what it looks like.”

“You know he didn’t dump me right. I broke up with him because he called your name during sex.”

Soonyoung stared at him, unable to respond to the information he was being given.

“He cried for hours afterward, apologizing and I knew right then, I knew I would never be you. Minghao wasn’t you. Seokmin and Jihoon weren’t him. You two have drifted far enough from each other for far too long; I think it’s time you give up fighting.”

As Soonyoung watched Mingyu laugh with Joshua, he knew right away what was happening.

“Help me do something please.”

On the second to the last day of the trip, Soonyoung texted Mingyu.

[text to gyu] meet me on the beach.

[text from gyu] right now?

[text to gyu] yes, now

Soonyoung locked his phone and waited. He waited and waited, Mingyu showed up finally.

“Soon, what’s going on?”

“Please sit with me.”

Mingyu took the spot next to Soonyoung on the blanket. And before he lost his courage, word vomit spewed from his mouth, “Mingyu I have spent my whole life orbiting you. I felt that my life meant something when you were around. You offered a part of yourself for me and me only, and I can never undo the fracture that left on my timeline. You have always been the Sun in my colorless universe. I got too close, and I was burned. But I kept drifting around you, in constant need of your warmth. It’s like we are two stars on a course for destruction, but I wouldn’t mind colliding with you.”

“Soonyoung what are you saying?”

“I’m asking if you’ll let me orbit you for a while longer because I love you. I have always loved you. In every universe, on every planet, in every lifeline and in every possibility, I will always pick you.”

“You’ve always been the brightest star in my universe.” Before Soonyoung could respond, Mingyu was tilted his chin up and kissing him. All those years ago, there were no fireworks, but right now as he breathed in Mingyu, he felt like he was breathing for the first time. He pulled Mingyu closer, fear that he would run away. He wanted to imprint himself into the warmth that was Mingyu’s skin.

For so long he thought he was a burnt-out star in Mingyu’s life, Mingyu was just too far to see the light had faded. He was ever cautious about the time it took for them to catch up, afraid he would finally see the dullness but that night as Soonyoung made love to Mingyu, he realized then, that they had finally collided; the Big Bang, the beginning of everything.

At thirty-one, Soonyoung found himself standing on the same beach, marrying his best friend.

[happinessinthedarkest-times]

Infinity war spoilers

my reaction

fuckkkkkk holy shit i cant with this movie ..  the reason i love these films is because of the characters so imma try to break this down by characters (in no particular order.. just my thought stream)

1. steve fucking rogers survived (but that just means that he’ll prolly die in the next one..... but omg steve his precious little heart every time he was on screen i just wanted to cry .. i went in firmly accepting that he would die in this movie so im overall pleased. but ughhhhhhh BEARDED CHRIS EVANS/BEARDED STEVE ROGERS just fucked me up with his gorgeousness.. his “I am steve rogers” to groot omg precious.

2. im sad that a lot of my favorite characters didn’t get a lot of screen time aka bucky .. i mean yes understandable because of the story and bc of the size of the cast but ugh i just wanted more bucky

3. TOM HIDDLESTON FUCKED ME UP. i cant with loki omg if he’s really gone, which i am assuming because i dont think they would have him fake his death three times, like you leave thor all alone ughhhhhh of all the stupid things he had to just go up and try to slyly kill thanos with all these other bad guys around... not a great plan... and i was dying and crying when he said “we have a hulk” omg call back to avengers i just wanted loki to be happy and alive and now hes not... omg and when he was announcing himself to thanos as Odinson!!! ahhhh poor baby. and also when he gave up the tesseract for thors life. ughhhhh im also very sad since these events take place like right after thor ragnorok but then all these people they just saved are dead and WTF happened to valkyrie??? ugh they just did not luck out that day.. 

4. thor. yes. this man. everything about him. he again continues to prove himself and i love it. when he was reflecting on how he had nothing left to lose ugh my heart.. his whole interaction with the guardians at the beginning with chris #3 was just great and we are all the guardians when looking at chris hemsworth’s body. his side story seemed a bit long and kind of took away from the main storyline but i think it was good because we got to see him interact with other characters and see how he was willing to sacrifice himself. and when he comes to wakanda DAMN one of the best moments... why can’t these people just let thor be happy??? you kill his father and sister wand then IMMEDIATELY take loki away fuck you guys just let this guy have his family

5. tony. im also so happy he didn’t die. when thanos stabbed him i was crying .. his tech has gotten so much more advanced, which also hurts because you just know he came up with all of these because thats the kind of tech he would have wanted during civil war.. i hate the fact that tony didn’t actually call steve and that they have no interactions ... please just get them in a room together like please. ugh . and tonys now all stuck up there alone with nebula. tony is just amazing at fighting and really does have amazing ideas which just show his intelligence.i like the fact that he knew exactly what peter quill was gonna do the second that he found out that gamora was dead because thats exactly how tony reacted in civil war. tony could see it because hes been there. him and peter parker wow dad and son i love it sm

6. peter parker tom holland you killed me, you blew me away. tom your performance there was so heartbreakingly good i cant i just wanted to give you the biggest hug and fuck thanos up bc no one should make you cry like that. spidey is such a great character though hes just so entertaining and youthful.. his movie references and his heart to try to save all the people flying around.. i just.. you shouldnt have been one to blow away

7.doctor strange i have to admit i really liked doctor strange in this movie. his movie sucked so much that i guess i had really low expectations for him but his character growth in the short amount of time that he had was really great and the mindbendy shit was well done too.. i think his movie just didnt do him justice... and i think that even though he could have let tony die and not given up the time stone, other/more of that gang would have died with thanos trying to get the stone so im fine with it 

8. gamora. i cant believe they killed her. one of the best characters in the guardians crew and one of few women in the mcu... ugh her story and her arc throughout the movie was just amazing. brilliant acting by zoe. when she thought she killed thanos on KNowhere and she was just in so much agony about killing him and then it turned out to be not real and quill had to shoot her and she had to say goodbye. omg fuck. amazing acting and great writing. im so sad about her

9. thanos.. while talking about gamora i have to talk about thanos ... easily among the best villains in the mcu. he lived up to the hype. i like how much backstory they gave him (take note star wars) and how we could see the complex relationship with gamora .. the directors were here and were saying how all the best villains have emotional connections with the protagonists and this really made him a better character.. i hate him for hurting all the people i love but you are a formidible enemy

10. peter quill wow chris pratt has range when he had to shoot gamora i cant amazing acting and i just want to hug him too. his character really helped with the comic relief in such a heavy movie and i like a lot about his interactions with the earth avengers and with thor

11. scarlet witch and vision.. i admit im not the biggest fan of their relationship ... like i dont not like it but i also dont really care about it. but this movie really makes you care about them and again wanda had to choose between her love and the stone and that whole scene with the music swelling and her getting the stone out and destroying it. fuck. and then she has to go through all that trauma only to have vision die anyway and thanos get the stone. why are these people bent on traumatizing wanda?? just let her be happy stop killing people she loves

12. bruce was entertaining and i liked his character a lot in this film.. interesting choice to not have the hulk come out but it just shows that bruce is just as helpful too

t’challa, okoye, shuri, m’baku, natasha, falcon, rhodey, bucky all did not get the screen time they deserve (especially tchalla!) 

but omg “She’s not alone” and black widow and okoye kicking ass together to save/protect scarlet witch was one of the best moments of the movie

steve and tchalla running at the alien things is my aesthetic (but they should run to me instead of posisbly to their deaths)

bucky and rocket’s whole interaction was great and everything i expected and wanted out of the two of them meeting

fucking groot out here growing up before our eyes

ALSO sooo shook by the red skull being on that one planet. i was the definition of shooketh 

when all the characters started fading away .... it was really hard but also frustrating because i didnt feel like the audience or the other characters (other than peter and tony) got the chance to process and react to the loss of all these huge characters and loved ones. 

sad but also glad that they didnt have hawkeye and antman in this because i just want to keep them safe and out of harms way. at the end credit scene i had a thought that fury was calling hawkeye and the next movie would just be one guys with a bow against thanos lmao that would be great but also captain marvel yes. 

im curious to know when antman and the wasp is suposed to be and i actually will probably see it now 

also the main theme in this movie was characters choosing love/a person or the stone and it really really hurts because all these characters are so good and dont deserve any of this

overall i really enjoyed this movie i thought it was well written and paced well. the directing was brilliant and the acting blew me away. i will consistently be amazed by how great these actors are at their job. it probably isnt going to be in my top 5 marvel films (because i do really like the individual films that really are focused on one character and their growth aka catws) and its definitely still beneath avengers 1 in ranking avengers movies but mostly because the film didn’t really focus on the characters i really love and didnt really develop them that much.. but overall i really really liked it i think it lived up to my expectations. i laughed and cried and i was surprised and i think they did a really great job

(also my friend didn’t now that this was part 1of infinity war and thought that this was just the end of the mcu completely and i died of laughed)

[like-rain-or-confetti]

Imagine being the Seelie Queen’s child.

Your large eyes flickered across the page, you didn’t acknowledge Isabelle entering the room. Isabelle walked around the coffee table. She could see your eyes dancing across the pages, your long fingers grasping the book tightly. Your hood was up, covering majority of your red with a tint of copper hair. You always seemed to have a hard, pointed look to everything not just everyone since your gaze would make her question what the book could have possibly done to you.

She flopped onto the couch beside you, making you scowl in irritation of being bothered. Isabelle took the book from you placing it down on the coffee table careful to not lose your page. “You act like we’re holding you hostage.” Isabelle smirked. You responded with a shrug. “Yes well, your books are terrible and I could really go an apple right now. Aside from that, the accommodation is fine and I have a resting bitch face. That’s just me.”  “Oh, we love you for it.” Isabelle said wrapping an arm around your shoulder. “Now that i think about it, I’ve been enduring a brooding and coddling Jace for a while now. I really wish he and Clary would just stop side-stepping one another.” “It’s not as easy as that, Simon is in the equation too.” Isabelle reminded. You snorted. “Yeah, that won’t last and i will laugh as it crashes and burns.” Isabelle gasped. “(Y/N)! That’s your friends your talking about!” You pointed at Isabelle. “But im not wrong.” “It’s like you don’t even mind you can’t lie, i think you enjoy the truth.” “I like destroying things with the truth. Besides, i’m more mundane than Seelie.” You smirked. 

“...Speaking of Seelie’s-” “Oh there it is, what are you after now?” You groaned in dismay. “Clary and Jace have a mission to the Seelie Court...we were wondering if you would go? The Queen may be more likely to listen with you there...” “Why would my mother feel any different about whatever it is? She handed me off remember?” “Meliorn told me she asks of you sometimes. They can never really find you, she sees us as the only connection to you she has.” Isabelle said lightly “Thats her fault and i don’t want to see her, i dont even want to know her.” “Why?” “That stupid she takes, likes she’s in control, like your a game. All the fae do it. She really annoys me since she seems to care yet she sent me away without a glance when i was born? She made her decision and I don’t want anything to do with her or her court.” “Look we aren’t asking you to rekindle your relationship with her.” Isabelle said assuringly. “You don’t even have to say anything, you can just stand there-” “And be the thirdwheel to those two gooey eyed brats.” You sighed. “Fine. Fine. I’ll go, but you owe me.”

You made a noise of horror as you saw both Clary and Simon approaching. “Kill me now.” “He can’t come!” Jace protested. You weren’t listening. “The thirdwheel status loves me,” you groaned “I’m thirdwheeling a love triangle.” You cried with your hands covering your face. You wanted to trip all three of them. They were your friends but you hated them for making you the audience.

The Seelie Queen seemed to be taken aback by your presence. You tilted your head at the small...child queen. “(Y/N)? You brought me (Y/N)?” You scoffed. “We were informed of your curiosity, we decided you may appreciate their visit.” Jace bowed. The Queen nodded slowly. “I do appreciate it.” She said quietly as you looked away from her, biting the inside of your cheek. She tore her eyes from you. She sat with the group at the table for a while before making a startling demand. “I’d like a moment alone with the daylighter...and then a moment alone with my child.” Jace accepted despite Clary’s suspicion. He stopped her before she could protest.

���You’ve grown quite a bit. I believe the last I saw you, you looked to be in your early teens.” “Yeah, well you’ve shrunk, you look like your nine years old.” You snapped. “We both know I’m not a child, just like we both know you’ve been around for a long time now (Y/N).” She shot back. “My apologies, we aren’t here to throw insolence at one another.” “Why are we here?” You frowned, your piercing stare never faltered. “I do not need to read minds to know what you think of me.” She began. “I know you are angry. I know you’re upset. That is my fault, i take responsibility for it. However, i’d like you to move past it for the time being. I have allowed you to roam freely for a long time but i fear treacherous times are coming and i want you where I can see you - where i can keep you safe.” “What are you saying?” “I’m saying i want you here, join my court, stand at my side as my child, let me help you.” “I don’t need your help.” You snapped. “No, you don’t want my help. This is about what you need.” “Are you serious? After all this time, after you giving me up like all the other seelie children, you want to fulfil the mothering role now?” You shook your head. “No, you don’t get to just walk in and out of my life as you please.” You spat before storming off.

“Umm, (Y?N) we’re kind of in the middle of something...” Alec said as you looked up to see Raphael, Alec, Magnus, Luke and Meliorn.  “Ugh, not another one.” You whined when you set sights on Meliorn. “Honestly, we only really need one Seelie, thank you.” Raphael said. “I’m not a Seelie and why would i ever want to sit through this?” You frowned. “Yes, you are.” Meliorn shot back. “Nope.” You retorted revealing your non-pointed ears around your hair.  “One of many features, are you going to gouge out your eyes to prove me wrong?” “Oh that’s it.” You marched forward and Alec leapt from his chair to hold you back. “No, no, no, no, no picking fights with Seelie’s. Seriously, you need to go.” Alec saw that coming, you were insecure of your large eyes. As much as they were beautiful, they were clearly eyes of one of the fae.

Simon didn’t notice you on the bridge as he walked away but the Queen did - a much older looking queen. “What are you doing?” You approached her. “Whatever you’re planning, don’t.” “I must think of my people.” She said simply. “I will take action however i see fit.” “You’re talking about destroying everything that downworlders and the Clave have worked so hard to achieve.” You retorted. “Why are you here (Y/N)?” The Seelie Queen looked at you dismissing your previous statement. “I don’t get it.” You said finally. “I want to understand, I do, but i can’t. Yet i cant stop thinking about it either. Why? Why now? Why do you care?” The Queen thought for a moment. “I didn’t tell you everything when you came to my court.” She said. “Whilst i did leave you in the care of mundanes, i never forgot about you. In fact, i watched you grow. When you were young, i considered taking you back, making the switch again but i saw how happy you were. You were in a garden singing ‘My Fair Lady’. I couldn’t rip you from the life that I had chosen from you. “  Your stomach turned. All these years, you had thought she didnt care. You were stunned into silence. She took your hand in hers. “My offer still stands.” She said lowly before letting go and you quickly walked away.

“Magnus? What’s...what’s going on?” You asked seeing Luke and Raphael in the room. “I couldn’t stand the thought of you being under the very roof of that institute.” Magnus said giving Raphael and Luke a drink. Magnus began to explain how the Clave lied and how they didn’t have the soul sword. You gasped in horror as Luke and Raphael processed what he just said. Magnus told them of his plans to ally with the Seelie Queen and suddenly it all made sense. It wasn’t safe, no where you went was safe. Your hands shook in fear, in horror, in shock. You felt sick. Slowly, the tears began to fall. Raphael reached out to take your upper arm in comfort. You were still young even for a fae, this was a lot to take in for anyone.  “C-Can you send the Queen a message? I want to go home.” You begged as you sobbed. 

You dug your hands further into your pockets quickly walking to the bridge. You saw her waiting, her brow furrowed as she saw your broken expression. You moved quickly sobs escaping you all over again. “Mo-Moth-” You couldn’t get the words out. You moved into her arms and she quickly hugged you. She was shocked you even attempted to call her anything as well as hugging her. “I’m here. I’m here.” She said gently peeling back your hood and running her hand through your hair gently hushing you. “I-I didn’t know-” You sobbed. “Of course not, this does not involve you.” The Queen reassured you. She pulled back to wipe your tears from your eyes before placing each hand on your cheeks. “Come with me. You can stay for a while and we’ll talk of this when you’re feeling better okay?” You slowly nodded.

[survivormontenegro]

Episode 2: “In all seriousness, I think I’m just stupid.” - Mo

Oop, so Madeline went bye bye without hitch. And Mitch lol sort of popped off a bit which turned out rub some people the wrong way.

Well as long as it doesn’t endanger me, it’s ok. Except for the fact that Michael brought up my name to Julia as a potential target just because we haven’t had good talks.

Honestly tho, talking to Michael is hard because he’s like a robot or whatever. He really is a big blue robot or whatever.

Right now, I think I’m in a good spot to not be that worried on Michael. I’ve got an alliance with Jason and Julia. Though we haven’t solidified a duo or whatever, Jared and I are working together as well probably. I’m getting closer with Ali and Benji and I have had talks of watching each other’s back.

So far the potential targets if we lose are Mitch and Noah. I have talks with Mitch and I think he’s sort of a lose cannon but right now he trusts me I think so yeah. People are leaning towards Noah because he talks the least with people.

But I do hope we win immunity, UgH!! I blame Drew for not putting me on a dominating tribe grrrr where’s the monte Rosa winning streak power when you need it.

AHHHHHH BEEEP BOOOP BEEEP BOOP. This twist sucks. There is a power dynamic that is going on.  Julia, Ben , Ali , and I are in an alliance. Seperataly though. I don't think they are aware of how much strategy I talk with Julia (which is how we want it). It seems Ian Jason are the biggest threats since they are liked and have numbers. BUT I CANT TAKE THEM OUT BECAUSE OF THE TWIST AHDHEUEJIDKD. So it seems Mitch is the target but I can't let Ian and Jason stay too long otherwise I am fucked. It's only a matter of time before they realize what I'm doing and I become a target (maybe even next tribal). BEEEEP BOOP BEEP BOOP

So last tribal went super smooth. Madeleine bye girl, but you were a ticking time bomb and you needed to go. And you also threw MY precious name out to Jared. In my first confessional I said I didn't want you here, and I got what I wanted. Now we are on this round. A puzzle challenge for immunity? Seriously? This has me FUCKED up boo. But I don't know weather to worry or not about tribal council. Last round, after I stirred the pot a bunch for the Madeleine vote she had an elaborate plan to get Mitch out that I myself pressured her into doing. I let Mitch know about her plan and at tribal shit got interesting. He blew the fuck up on the girl. And this was beautiful. It put a target on his back. So I might just be in the clear. His name will definitely be brought up just for that. This tribe doesn't like crazy explosive people (lol me in crossroads). But I also have gotten so far on this idol board, I might have the chance to snatch that bitch up. Lets pray everything goes well for me!!!

I realize in hindsight that im coming off as really mean in my confessional, but it was just like,,, in the moment? Yk??? A more concise version - usually when people like JJ fly high and take control early on, people get mad and they crash and burn really quick. So as much as it might break my heart, I might have to let that happen.

Forgot to mention thoughts on relationship statuses atm: Jules says she trusts me Alex says he trusts me Mo says he trusts me JJ says he trusts me Tom is iffy but I feel like we have a stronger relationship? Especially if he’s closer with JJ (which I personally believe he is) he’ll feed him info that’ll go back to me I have a good relationship with evan for the most part ? We talk on and off but we’re both just busy lol Caeleb my grandson/angel and I have a great relationship - we talk about Pokémon a lot Willow and I are iffy but like a fun iffy And David is the most innactive, but we bond over not talking on calls sometimes

So first things first thank GOD we won immunity I was not getting good vibes from people so I think I would been gone. Anyhoot, I definetly feel like there is an alliance already formed between Tom and JJ for sure and then possibly Jones Jules and lets throw in Alex, Those 5 seemed to be so comfortable and non scrambly this past tribal that im SUS. Going into this challenge wowie a math puzzle, not good for me and it showed! I definitely think we are losing now so I really have to push the vote for like Evan maybe because a bitch wants to stay and he's probably more inactive than I. Listen guys I really want to be on more but as Rihanna said I just gotta Work Work Work Work Work Work so that's that on that. I just hope they let this bitch stay!

Okay so let's get INTO this:

I know that my biggest weakness is the fact that I don't do a great job at times of talking to people. Ever since Day 1 though I've been making a solid effort to speak to every single person on my tribe two or three times every day.

So let's start with the first reward challenge. I tried really hard because I wanted to make a good first impression challenge wise. I feel like if you put in a solid performance in the first challenge, your tribe will be more understanding if you struggle in a future challenge.

As soon as I saw the flag part of the first immunity challenge, I knew that we were going to probably lose it no matter what, and there was strategy behind me wanting to take it on. Everyone on my tribe was already hyping up the fact that the other tribe had that part in the bag, so I knew that if I put in a solid effort and lost, it would be seen as "He stepped up for us and tried hard even though he had no shot" rather than "he fucked it up for us". I had to step on Madeleine's toes and kind of be rude to make sure that I got to do the flag, but that didn't really concern me since nobody seemed to like her anyway?

Now when it came to the first vote of the season, pretty much the whole damn tribe told me they wanted to do Madeleine. I think the fact that she really didn't talk to anyone until she NEEDED to is what played a major part in her elimination. Honestly, I didn't really like her at all LMAO, so I didn't mind seeing her go home.

The fact that Madeleine was already basically screwed and confirmed to go home was great bc it gave me the opportunity to take advantage of that situation for myself and build up my trust/credibility with other people. Madeleine came to me just a couple of hours before the voting deadline with her plan to get a group of people to vote against Mitch and send him home. I basically just was like "yasss I agree that's a great plan sis omg you're MIND". I asked for a list of who her 'numbers' were before agreeing to vote with her, and of course with her being desperate, she had no choice but to comply. Sis sent me a whole ass list of her alleged allies, and I was gagged becuase literally all of them had been shit talking her and saying that they were voting her out ALL DAY.

I took that information to Mitch and let him know about her plan, which gained me some brownie points and trust building with him. And then I went to the people she listed and was sort of like "Hey, I just wanted to let you know that she's going around telling people who she thinks you're voting for". Overall, I think that Madeleine's messiness really benefited me and my connections with the tribe.

Following Madi's elimination, if I had to rank my tribemates in terms of who I trust most to least, it would work out like this:

1) Julia 2) Ali 3) Mitch 4) Jason 5) Ben 6) Jared 7) Ian 8) Michael

Julia, Ali, Mitch & Jason interact with me the most. They always respond when I message them to start a conversation, and they aren't shy about hitting me up and initiating conversations. Ben, Jared & Ian won't really initiate conversations with me, but if I message them first they'll always message me back pretty quickly and engage with me. With Madeleine gone, Michel is now the most difficult for me to socialize with. Our conversations tend to die quickly if I don't put in maximum effort, which is kind of annoying, but I'll keep trying because I relaly don't want to end up like Madi and have everyone vote me out because I didn't try with them.

I'm kind of nervous at the moment with this vote just bc nobody is really giving me names yet? I'm hoping that the reason why is that they are waiting for tomorrow morning and just don't want to throw out names too early. I feel a bit like Sandra in the sense that as long as it's not me, I don't care. I'm not sacrificing my game for ANY of these people. That's what I love about these TS orgs; these people aren't my friends and I don't feel bad at all about sending any of them home LOL.

I'm really hoping to form a more formal alliance soon, but I want to be VERY cautious. I'd rather keep it small with just a few people that I trust not to go throwing me under the bus and leaking shit. An ideal situation would be me, Julia, Ali & Mitch as a strong foursome, but I need to talk to them separately as individuals first and try to figure out if any of them are already in group chats/alliances before I try to pull them into a commitment. The last thing I want is to try to form an alliance with people that are already set in other groups.

Anyway, I'm just going to try to continue being super social and hope that it plays out in my favor. BTW this twist is evil and I despite it, but I'm just going to have to work with it and adapt.

tom was really drunk and messaged me all these nice things so i really want to make him my ally now even though he's messy!!!

Well, today we probably lost the competition. Considering I was 4x faster than my maze partner. Willow doesn't know how to do math. David probably hasn't done his competition.

But in the same light, Evan and I did really well in our competitions. So, who knows? I might actually like to lose a competition. It would be interesting to see if people's heads are actually where they say they are.

I’m so upset, I always get fucking challenges in games that I CAN’T do I don’t know how to do it. Then we talk about our scores and Evan was like oh I did it in a minute but I could of done it quicker if I had a mouse and I’m just like I SCORED 16 MINUTES AND IM FINE BECAUSE I DIDN'T SCORE OVER TWENTY MINUTES.

In all seriousness I think I’m just stupid. Like when I was doing the challenge I was confident. I always go in with a “I’m gonna do great!” attitude and then I hear about how well the others did and it’s like getting hit by a car.

I'd also like to give an update on how I feel about everybody in this game.

Alex seems like he's the person I'd like to work with most, but he also seems the most hesitant to commit to any kind of long term alliance. Jules & Jones are really difficult to tell apart, but they're both lovely people. They seem to be super open to working together, and they both compliment me out the butt hole. Tom is really sweet. He seems to be very easily woo'd by attention and compliments, which shouldn't be too difficult. He's like. Super cute and very fun to talk to. Mo is cool, we share a lot of the same sense of humor, lots of the same references. Its also super comforting that he's also on the same timezone as I am. Evan seems really cool. I feel awful about never responding to his messages on time, which could really hurt my game. Caeleb is so fuckin cute. Like he's just a wholesome lil bean, I don't know how he's going to survive in such a cutthroat game like survivor. Maybe that's his strategy, have everyone underestimate him. Maybe he's scary and spooky. ^ Y'all really got me out here talking like a tumblrina.. Anyways, onto Willow. We seem to have the same conversation everyday and it never really goes anywhere. Awkwardddd. For David, whenever he does go on call, he never talks, and it just becomes this awkward silence, he really brings down tribe morale.

https://youtu.be/71NJ9oc-WrI <- Video didn’t embed

Video afterthoughts: According to Alex JJ seems more interested in the idea of a swap happening and is now turning onto the idea of voting David? I’m gonna actually talk to jules about how they feels tho bc they said they trust me and I wanna like,, show the trust in return? I want them to feel good w me as much as I feel good w them

It seems like me and Julia created the vote once again, and AGAIN it is not traced back to us. Michael is under the impression he created the vote (lol) which is good for us, no blood on our hands. The reasoning behind planting Mitch and Michael as targets into people's head was to see how they scrambled so we could flush every alliance. We now know Mitch and Michael are working together. If all goes well it should be unanimous (if we even had to go to tribal).

We didn't go to tribal the first time around so David got to stick around. I have an odd feeling that we didn't win immunity so tonight will be the actual chance to do so. I really do think it'll be him because he's so inactive and I think its best to keep our tribe active and playing rather than scrambling and weak. Plus I have talked to many people about it so it would be a pretty big blindside if it was someone else and I would be left aghast!

JJ is clearly an influencer in the tribe, and I think he likes me and wants to keep me around and I am perfectly fine being a number in his game. At least for the time being, because at this point that's a strong strategy for me. I think I am making real genuine connections that I can profit from, both strategically but also personally because we have some fun people here :).

okay so this is the end, hold your breath and count to ten. i'm going home. i can just sense it, its my time and i can feel it hap-hap-happenin'. the vote is theoretically noah, but everyone is going quiet so i think its me. my takeaways are that i was too wishywashy, and left myself vulnerable due to my poor social game.

in other news, if the vote is noah i will be SHOCKED. i think we will probs swap too, so we will see. I think it wont matter this is the end, I'm going byebye very very soon rippy rip!

https://youtu.be/KdBeFE1iYWg <- Video Confessional from Day 6

https://youtu.be/ZQZ1ktG2lU0 <- Tribal Council #2 Vote

(Both did not embed)

Day Numero 6; Honestly nothing is popping off in this game for me! So hard to type a confessional because i could be highly naive about my position in this game and i could be getting votes tonight but i have not heard any names except for david once again. 

[perfectionistincrisis]

Day 81

i keep talking to myself all the time - no not cause im mad or alone - but like i said earlier - i pretend like its ‘him’ and just him. meaning, no, im not those people who talk to themselves cause they enjoy doing it, or like um neither those who talk to themselves cause they dont have anyone else to talk to - but rather, -i-just-talk-to-him-

wow, no that was a nice way to put it out there. so much for defending myself lol

ok so im kinda energetic - as in -my mood is- i am not, physically energetic though. i mean i just spent the last hour and a half in bed scrolling through my phone until my phone shut off cause it ran out of charge and only then i dragged myself slowly to the washroom to pee which i shouldve done 60 minutes ago. so yeah - very lazy 

speaking of time. WTH is going on with this world? i feel like the number of seconds in one minute is a subject to small rise and falls like the world currencies! I mean seriously, i swear nowadays “1 minute” = “EIGHTY seconds” No Kidding!!!! It all started from after fajr today!!!!! 

yeah so after fajr today, at first i kind of blanked out - as in - that rush, impatience and i dont even know how to describe it - kinda feeling i was telling? about missing him and all that? like i need some action something to happen and wow this is such an off season - so yeah i was kind of stuck in my chair,, just switching from one social media to another doing nothing literally other than idk - trying to fast forward life and hit play somewhere cool ugh ok

so then something happened and it cheered me up and i got on the treadmill as was planned. usually do 3 hours but i knew doing 3 now, including my tiny 3-5 min breaks every 30 mins would take too long 

anyways ended up doing two hours at around 7 30 and then was too tired to take a shower so i just pulled a bed sheet from my closet and slept on the floor, cause no way im putting my stinky body to bed. 

when i got up, prayed zuhr and YESSS i did the one hour i skipped in the morning and yeah well thats pretty much it for the day. i mean then i sat and ate and then went to the hosp came back, chilled and still chilling right now as im typing :) 

oh something i said yesterday about how i wish life was full of action like in movies. like i just wish it was although i know its BS thats totally against how this life works. whats more surprising is how i actually wish for stupid stuff - i mean you know how on social media - one gets to present themselves the way they want. i mean you can be anything. happy sad widow married depressed gay - its like - its in your hands - how do you want to present yourself to the world mam? yeah you get my point? but like i lot of people fall for it. you look into others posts and you might wonder how their life is so wonderful and yours is not, how someones life is picture perfect and yours is not and BLABLABLA but Lol - i neverrrrr fell for that. pretty much cause i sugar coat my life too loool 

Its actually funny - im actually laughing - anyways where im getting at with this is - i was thinking about it - i mean for someone like me who never fell for all the crap people put up on display on social media - i sure am one hell of a dreamer to ‘wish’ for a busy ‘movie-like’ all colorful life. But then again in my defense - those are real people and people are full of crap so yeah i dont fall for their shit but i mean a movie is a well organised script being played out - ofcourse you ‘wishing’ for something like it is acceptable yasss (whatever makes you sleep at night:3 ) 

Also i assure you my vocabulary aint that poor, i just seem to lose my words when im posting anything here. mostly cause i have no words - everything is so messy and twisty and complicated Ugh 

Also its really weird that i feel like a days just passed by too fast this week. i mean i mustve slipped. i mean im like a human clock. lol i mean it. i mean when im not on vacation - and you ask me the time, anytime - my guesses are so close to accurate - like im aware of every second ticking by - now, im just saying im aware of it - that doesnt really mean i make the most out of time - but then i do know how precious it is, and i do feel like crap when im just shitting it away. and just randomly wasting time is one thing, but trust me when you are aware youre doing shit - ouch that burns! 

so august is coming, and i was kind of planning on fasting - i mean i didnt fast in july cause i wanted to get used to working out and fasting would just be disturbing. but yeah now its almost august and i think i should fast - for like the whole month - yeah :) cause i barely fasted for i think 8 days this Ramadan i need to make all the rest of it up. AND THEN AFTER THAT, it is sunnah but not one im actually brave enough to do to be honest but but but i think i have no choice - i mean i think i have to fast like every monday or thursday every week - cause i have a lot and a lot of fasting to do to make up for ALLLLL the ones i missed my entire life and trust me thats quite a lot - not the normal amount any girl would miss - cause ive been having problems and so i had to skip a lot and stuff - and i never kept an exact count - well actually its impossible cause its been a problem for years but then i do have to admit that i never tried either - cause idk- i guess i kind of took it as - oh cmon its just fasting - i mean i think i missed around 20 roughly - so ill just fast 30 - thatll cover it up plus ill fast extra - which is a good thing and blabla all that random thoughts! 

anyways i should now just focus on the 30 i wna fast for this year, in august but idk i have to come up with some legit plan where my work out schedule fits in perfectly too. both  are important to me, and im not choosing one over the other, i dont want to and i dont have to inshaAllah 

oh just a random thing - but i go for brands! Meaning, you know if something is sold by a really well known brand youd obviously expect it to have good quality and most of the time yes youre right. sometimes, nope! but then there are things which are not “branded” but the quality is amazing, and the price? well most of the time it is cheaper, but yeah i guess sometimes the price is almost similar - well the thing is - i am the type of person - whod want the brand name on PLUS the quality. like if there were 2 bags for example or two shoes, SAME quality, but one is cheaper ONLY cause it does not have a famous brand name on it - i am definitely the person whod pay wayyyy wayyy more for the branded one! - SO now you know the type of person i am :) :) :) :) 

Lol im sure that kind of information is something a lot of people would use to judge someone :3 But then im not all so irrational loool - like thats definitely something that is “goals” for me! I mean, i am a medical student being financially supported by my dad right now and will be for atleast the next 3 years. ATLEAST! ATLEAST! ATLEAST! 

SO yeah im not saying i cant afford branded products right now but i sure am not comfortable living a life of luxury at this phase of my life. I want to earn it. With my own sweat and energy. I want to tell myself that i deserve it. So yeah, thats the type of person i am but im not currently ‘practicing’ it like religion and one day IF i do, i know it will be something i earned and something Allah will not be unhappy with, because I am not planning to disappoint Him 

Okay enough with that. i really dont need to talk about it as long as i know ill be alright inshaAllah 

Oh something really interesting - so i REALLY REALLY need to smile. like NOT “smile more” but like “SMILE” for gods sake hahhaha. I mean idk - its like i hate people so much and idk i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me, and its not like i even care or want them to like me and thats exactly why im like all -pokerface-pokerface- but like cmooooon! if youre really talking to someone, something as simple as a short interaction in the hospital for example with the receptionist or pharmacist - i mean cmoon - just smile a little? i mean i REALLY need to work on it. cause if i am planning on being a doctor - OH PLEASE - smiling is part of the job OH WAKE UP LADYYY!!!!!!! 

but like im not kidding - like i just said - i feel like everyone for some reason is turning against me or doesnt like me. and ofcourse its not true, i mean MOST people dont even know me. like in the hospital i went to today for example - whyd everyone hate me? :) i mean idk its just something i feel. its weird. but sheeeeeet. have to work on it. fake a smile honey :) 

Okay and idk how wrong or right it is. but i thought of it and i dont feel like there is any harm to it. Like, id like to have the idea in my head that me and him, we love each other and we are meant to be together one day. inshaAllah. For which i always and always pray to Him and ask from Him. But as of right now, we are not together. but deep deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeeep deeeeeeeeeeeeeep and deeeeeeeeeeep’errr in my heart i keep telling myself that. We are.

now idk if its wrong, or right - but - i believe it is not making me do something which might anger my Lord.  All what it does is calm my heart. a little. And so i guess its okay! At least for now, i cant let go of the idea. Not today <3  Tada, guess thats enough for today! 

xox

[batsysims]

100 QUESTIONS NO ONE ASKS

I was tagged by @tickledsims ty ily!!

1. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR CLOSET DOORS OPEN OR CLOSED? CLOSED when i was younger my little sister had a baby doll that would talk on its own at night and we called it the demon baby and hooooly shit

2. DO YOU TAKE THE SHAMPOOS AND CONDITIONER BOTTLES FROM HOTELS? i dont take those bc my hair cant take cheap hair products but i do take the soaps!!

3. DO YOU SLEEP WITH YOUR SHEETS TUCKED IN OR OUT? i put the mattress cover sheet thingy on my bed but i dont use an actual sheet :/

4. HAVE YOU STOLEN A STREET SIGN BEFORE? nah lol

5. DO YOU LIKE TO USE POST-IT NOTES? YES i love using office supplies i could spend all day at staples omg

6. DO YOU CUT OUT COUPONS BUT THEN NEVER USE THEM? no lol but il save the lil receipt coupons and find them in my wallet months after they expire

7. WOULD YOU RATHER BE ATTACKED BY A BIG BEAR OR A SWARM OF BEES? hhhhh bees

8. DO YOU HAVE FRECKLES? yep!! i love them its why im scared to use foundation i dont wanna lose em

9. DO YOU ALWAYS SMILE FOR PICTURES? i either smile or if my moms takin the pic il make a stupid face 

10. WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST PET PEEVE? i have terrible road rage...... um........... i also hate it when men interrupt me i just walk away at that point 

11. DO YOU EVER COUNT YOUR STEPS WHEN YOU WALK? yeah i pretty much count everything

12. HAVE YOU PEED IN THE WOODS? i dont think so??

13. HAVE YOU EVER POOPED IN THE WOODS? def not lmao

14. DO YOU EVER DANCE EVEN IF THERES NO MUSIC PLAYING? i have an eating dance, a drinking dance, and a video game playing dance hahaa

15. DO YOU CHEW YOUR PENS AND PENCILS? yes ugh it annoys me but i cant stop

16. HOW MANY PEOPLE HAVE YOU SLEPT WITH THIS WEEK? at LEAST 0

17. WHAT SIZE IS YOUR BED? i think its a single? a single or a twin either way im miserable send help

18. WHAT IS YOUR SONG OF THE WEEK? ummm probably You by Weird Milk?? its the most recent song i added on spotify so  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

19. IS IT OK FOR GUYS TO WEAR PINK? yeah def unless its one of those “real men wear pink shirts” like just.... stop

20. DO YOU STILL WATCH CARTOONS? sometimes my sister makes me watch stevens universe?? il watch phineas and ferb too bc honestly who doesnt anime too but not always cartoon ones or w/e

21. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE MOVIE? 2001: A Space Odyssey and Daughters of the Dust come to mind

22. WHERE WOULD YOU BURY HIDDEN TREASURE IF YOU HAD SOME? u kno where ;) no how big is the treasure?? if its a lil bit id put it in that drawer under the oven bc my family never uses that but if its BIG TREASURE id hide it in the backyard of the last house i lived in bc a. nobody lives there now and 2. its totally overrun with green bc of like two floods

23. WHAT DO YOU DRINK WITH DINNER? water! only water ever

24. WHAT DO YOU DIP A CHICKEN NUGGET IN? honey if theyre mcnuggets but other than that i use honey mustard!

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FOOD? chicky parm

26. WHAT MOVIES COULD YOU WATCH OVER AND OVER AGAIN AND STILL LOVE? honestly Inception is my feel-good movie

27. LAST PERSON, YOU KISSED/KISSED YOU? a lil babu

28. WERE YOU EVER A BOY/GIRL SCOUT? i was in girl scouts much longer than i ever wanted to be lmao WISH i coulda done BOY SCOUTS

29. WOULD YOU EVER STRIP OR POSE NUDE IN A MAGAZINE? if cash is involved absolutely

30. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WROTE A LETTER TO SOMEONE ON PAPER? aboutttt three months ago!

31. CAN YOU CHANGE THE OIL ON A CAR? no but i can watch

32. EVER GOTTEN A SPEEDING TICKET? when i first got my license yea :( 15 yr olds are dum

33. EVER RAN OUT OF GAS? twice! very good memories

34. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE KIND OF SANDWICH? egg salad gud

35. BEST THING TO EAT FOR BREAKFAST? the all star breakfast at waffle house yasssss

36. WHAT IS YOUR USUAL BEDTIME? honestly like 9 since i always have to wake up at 7 in the am but il stay up til 11 if i can

37. ARE YOU LAZY? absolutely when have ACTIVE ppl done ANYTHING

38. WHEN YOU WERE A KID, WHAT DID YOU DRESS UP AS FOR HALLOWEEN? i was usually a cat bc i never could find a costume i liked smh but when i was 2 i went as winnie the pooh lmao

39. WHAT IS YOUR CHINESE ASTROLOGICAL SIGN? ox!

40. HOW MANY LANGUAGES CAN YOU SPEAK? just english but im tryna learn spanish and japanese and im fluent in french if a two year olds speech patterns can be considered as such

41. DO YOU HAVE ANY MAGAZINE SUBSCRIPTIONS? nah

42. WHICH ARE BETTER: LEGOS OR LINCOLN LOGS? LEGOS lincoln logs are big with nostalgia thoooo

43. ARE YOU STUBBORN? with dumb shit yeah but i usually just dont care enough abt stuff to deal

44. WHO IS BETTER: LENO OR LETTERMAN? theyre both old idc

45. EVER WATCH SOAP OPERAS? no lol

46. ARE YOU AFRAID OF HEIGHTS? not really tbh i like the adrenaline

47. DO YOU SING IN THE CAR? if im alone!! nobody deserves to hear that

48. DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER? nahhh

49. DO YOU DANCE IN THE CAR? when im in the drive thru haaaa

50. EVER USED A GUN? id like to go to a shooting range some time but ive never used one im also very anti gun so i probs would never buy one unless it was a cute lil glock i can handle well

51. LAST TIME YOU GOT A PORTRAIT TAKEN BY A PHOTOGRAPHER? st patricks day it wasnt technically for me tho

52. DO YOU THINK MUSICALS ARE CHEESY? not in general but when ppl start obsessing over a certain one for months on end abt a certain time period and certain performers and certain songs and certain people of history i start wanting ppl to die

53. IS CHRISTMAS STRESSFUL? YEAH I NEVER HAVE MONEY WTF

54. EVER EAT A PIEROGI? my sisters obsessed with them so yea but never like. authentic polish potato pockets or anything just a frozen box of em

55. FAVORITE TYPE OF FRUIT PIE? apple?? im not rly into pie tbh

56. OCCUPATIONS YOU WANTED TO BE WHEN YOU WERE A KID? ive wanted to go into law enforcement/criminology my whole life!! for a sec i wanted to be a firefighter, a journalist/writer/poet, and some sort of artist but u know how kids are

57. DO YOU BELIEVE IN GHOSTS? i tried to find that clip from malcolm in the middle for like ten mins but i couldnt yea

58. EVER HAVE A DEJA-VU FEELING? doesnt everyone tho?

59. DO YOU TAKE A VITAMIN DAILY? no im a bad adult

60. DO YOU WEAR SLIPPERS? nah

61. DO YOU WEAR A BATH ROBE? im not rich!!

62. WHAT DO YOU WEAR TO BED? usually just my undies but when im living with other people il wear a soft shirt and my dc heroes pajama bottoms ayyy

63. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CONCERT? ive never been to one! i was gonna go see metallica in baltimore but i moved before i could smh

64. WALMART, TARGET, OR KMART? walmart sry targets cool but too much money!!! i go there for home things tho does kmart still exist

65. NIKE OR ADIDAS? ADIDAS ive been trying to get a full adidas tracksuit for YEARS

66. CHEETOS OR FRITOS? fritos! i like the super hot cheetos tho

67. PEANUTS OR SUNFLOWER SEEDS? peanutsssss

68. EVER HEAR OF THE GROUP TRES BIEN? Nope but they must be good im keepin @tickledsims response bc it made me laugh

69. EVER TAKE DANCE LESSONS? when i was a lil babu i took ballet and gymnastics a lil later

70. IS THERE A PROFESSION YOU PICTURE YOUR FUTURE SPOUSE DOING? i hope to never have a spouse  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

71. CAN YOU CURL YOUR TONGUE? yep

72. EVER WON A SPELLING BEE? ive actually never even had a spelling bee im sure theyre a myth

73. HAVE YOU EVER CRIED BECAUSE YOU WERE SO HAPPY? i think so??

74. OWN ANY RECORD ALBUMS? nah

75. OWN A RECORD PLAYER? nahhhhh

76. DO YOU REGULARLY BURN INCENSE? no but i had a roommate who did i fell in love

77. EVER BEEN IN LOVE? yeah ok lol so one time when i was a sophomore my french teacher had to use a substitute teacher and hes the reason i believe in love at first sight im STILL in love with him wtf ive also had a bf haha im hilarious

78. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE IN CONCERT? i dont really do concerts so i couldnt say but i think matd would be fun!!

79. WHAT WAS THE LAST CONCERT YOU SAW? oh my god

80. HOT TEA OR COLD TEA? hot!!!!

81. TEA OR COFFEE? coffee!!!!!!

82. SUGAR COOKIES OR SNICKERDOODLES? i dont rly like either but i prefer snickerdoodles over sugar

83. CAN YOU SWIM WELL? i can only do that weird frog swim i forget what its called so no im shit at it

84. CAN YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH WITHOUT HOLDING YOUR NOSE? ye

85. ARE YOU PATIENT? if im able to distract myself?? it also depends on the severity of what im waiting on i guess

86. DJ OR BAND AT A WEDDING? probs a band i guess i dont rly think abt that kinda stuff sry

87. EVER WON A CONTEST? when i was four i won a coloring contest at the ice cream store

88. HAVE YOU EVER HAD PLASTIC SURGERY? nope im poor 89. WHICH ARE BETTER: BLACK OR GREEN OLIVES? both are good!

90. CAN YOU KNIT OR CROCHET? i can knit but i cant crochet

91. BEST ROOM FOR A FIREPLACE? fckn bathroom

92. DO YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED? not rly unless its a partnership longlasting romance stresses me out especially with financial responsibility etc

93. IF MARRIED, HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED? -20 years

94. WHO WAS YOUR HIGH SCHOOL CRUSH? my high school boyfriend hahaaa h,,,,

95. DO YOU CRY AND THROW A FIT UNTIL YOU GET YOUR OWN WAY? im an adult sry

96. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? 1!

97. DO YOU WANT KIDS? nope! lmao i love her tho

98. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR? red but i also like many others??? idk

99. DO YOU MISS ANYONE RIGHT NOW? ummm not rly?? im not close enough to anyone to miss them and those i am close to im able to hang with

100. WHO ARE YOU GOING TO TAG TO DO THIS TAG NEXT? god uhhh if you havent done it already and want to, @dreambot @nebula-simms @ellowynsims and @pixelbloom

[swearronchanel]

As per request, 2.05

You guys have been so freaking sweet and kind  to me with your feedback since I started making these ridiculous posts, it’s insane but I love it!❣️ I literally started these as a joke because my one friend who watches call the midwife didn’t pick up the phone (and bc I was under the influence whoops hahaha it happens) but now I have so much fun posting every week! I’m sure I won’t stop these any time soon (what will I do when this series is over until Christmas? Yikes lets not talk about it yet)  Anyways @marialujan22 requested I rewatch and post for 2x5 & shit it’s been a while since I’ve watched series 2 but I couldn’t say no! Besides Im in a good mood because I have 10 days till spring break & only like 8 weeks left in the semester so here we go ..

idk if I’m mentally prepared for this

THE BIKE SONG I LOVE IT

“Somewhere far away, scientist we’re working on a magic pill, rumored to make pregnancy a case of choice..” Hell yea birth control, deff a magic pill in my opinion

Crazy that it took 3 series for the pill to become a thing & then there was still lame ass government guidelines

Jenny Lee! lol I often forget about her sorry not sorry, I liked her but she left. ya no importa

I love how “mature jenny” still narrates even though her character is never even mentioned anymore #letmenarrate lol jk I like Vanessa Redgrave’s voice

“Meanwhile other scientists were trying to send humans to the moon” fuck yea Hidden Figures

If CtM went up until 1969 that’d be lit, like the episode on mad men when they watched the moon landing! Just replace them with nuns and nurses and babies & replace the liquor for tea 😂

Shit I’ve said typed so much already

SISTER MJ💕 I wanna smack myself she’s brushing her teeth & I thought of that stupid toothbrush song from last week’s episode kill me

Nora’s pregnant again uh oh

Cynthia! SISTER E! Jane! It’s been so long

My bby Trixie 💕😍 I miss her pin curls! But now she’s serving those 60s looks so I’m here for it all

“Take that off this minute before you go to hell” LMAO TRIX YOU CANT TELL KIDS THAT

lol who am I kidding I would’ve said the same

I love sister Monica Joan, id quote everything she ever says but that’s too much work

Vicar’s wife? But who was the vicar?

LMAO WAIT DOESNT SISTER MJ FAKE A HEART ATTACK??

YES SHE DID IM DEAD I LOVE HER, WELL IT WAS LIKE ANGINA BUT IDC STILL FUNNY CAUSE SHE DIDNT WANNA GO

PRECIOUS SISTER BERNADETTE 😭💕

I STILL CANT BELIEVE MY BBY SHELAGH WAS A NUN, ITS SO STRANGE TO GO BACK AND SEE HER IN THE HABIT, LIKE YOURE PREGNANT NOW, WITH DR TURNERS BABYYY!!

anyone else really wanted to know how she was going to tell Sister Julienne “um i was already done with being a nun and now im love sick, I can’t stop thinking about Dr Turner so  I gotta ditch this habit”

damn I feel so bad like she did not want another baby & had no choice but to deal with it

No Jenny, tea is not gonna help right now

And heres the lady that scammed her

How much is 2 guinnis ? Idk how to spell that u already know I’m an ignorant American

Did she really tell a married woman keep her legs closed? It Doesn’t even matter if she was married or not like who are u anyway?? I would’ve bitch slapped her too, good for u Nora

Sister MJ saying her horoscope was right, we are the same😭

Wtf is spotted dick? Also I laughed because I’m immature Lmaoo

Sister J eating the pudding, she knows how to get to sister MJ 😂 I love them

Trixie teasing Jane about the Reverend lol aw

“I can’t knit I had a heart attack this morning” ME TRYING TO GET OUT OF THINGS

8 kids in one bedroom though yikes

Cute and classic bedroom moments 😭💕

“Naughty version of eggnog” like coquito? Lol nah, coquito is the bomb

IM CRYING SISTER BERNADETTE LOOKING IN THE DOORWAY

THIS BREAKS MY HEART EVERYTIME

THEY FUCKING CLOSED THE DOOR ON HER, MY BBY. I WANT TO HUG HER 💔💔💔 she deserves the world

Who is this irrelevant ass vicars wife? “Cherrio”

I’m so sorry Nora

Ew wtf a rat just bit the baby?

“Just tell me what you want sister” SHE WANTS YOU DOCTOR

THE WAY THEYRE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER OMG IM SHOOK

WHAT THE HELL TIM WHY DID YOU RUIN THE MOMENT ?!

sister MJ wants to roll bandages, make it happen! lol I love that Cynthia and Jane unwrap them all for her 😭

Aww i love babies !! but that one with a funny nose uhh

SISTER BERNADETTE BLOWING THE WHISTLE AND CHEERING 💕 MY HEART SHE IS SO ADORABLE

Aw I wish Trixie could have another scene going through old pictures and maybe share old stories with the new nurses💔 unlikely but you know I can hope. SHE DID HAVE THAT PHOTO OF HER AND CYNTHIA ON HER MIRROR LAST SUNDAY💕

“I’m a woman on a mission” beatrix, light in my life

Curly locks lol, when I was younger I  was called Shirley temple and when I dyed my hair I was called Goldie locks.. mind u that lasted into high school 😂 I’m staying blonde for good though, I don’t think I can pull off anything else

DONT GO OUT WITH HIM TRIXIE, HE’S TRASH

Laura Main’s angelic voice ✨👼🏼

who am I kidding she’s an angel

you know what would be fun and a dream? to go out with the ctm cast and get drunk and take trashy snapchat videos singing

Gin & a hot bath??

Trixie looked him up lol, good move

BUT HE’S STILL TRASH and an asshole

Pickle knife ?

again, this irrelevant vicar’s wife? vete ya

Everyone thinks Sister MJ is senile but she knows what’s up with Sister Bernadette..

“..but is all blank sadness and continued tears”  MY HEART💔 sister Bernadette/Shelagh has spent the majority of this show crying/being sad/distressed ugh!! Laura Main plays is beautifully but I CRY!? Let her be uninterruptedly happy please 😭💕

she (and helen) ruined me tbh, I used to have dignity

Is Jenny really naive or is she just pretending not to understand??

SEE SISTER BERNADETTE IS ON SCREEN AGAIN & IS UPSET

“I almost wish I was physically ill..” okay bRb CRYIN. THIS IS WHY I CANT WATCH THESE OLDER EPISODES I CRY TOO MUCH, I DONT LIKE TO SEE HER UNHAPPY

Remember when I started the show and didn’t know it was gonna ruin my life? Or before I grew attached? Yea me neither lmaoo those were the days when I thought downton killed me. I Didn’t know what was coming 😂 still love downton though rip #downtonmoviepls

Knitting needles?? aye dios mio

HA GREMLIN TIM AND JACK

Again how much is a gunniea and how do I spell it? I could google it but I’m busy here

She was willing to sell her wedding ring and risk her life for an unprofessional abortion. DO YOU SEE THE ISSUE? This isn’t just the a period drama either. Shit is real

“Are babies more valued because they can survive or do they survive beside they are more valued?” good question sis

lol Jane was so sweet and just bounced with no word

AT LEAST I KNOW WHERE SHE WENT THOUGH, THANKS FOR THAT NZ CUT SCENE

Trixie being a babe and getting ready to do her nails 😍💕 I wish I could do mine well but I’m trash and so I pay to get them done

The cross cutting in this scene is crazy but so well done (& yes look at me using real terms lol, I took a Music in film class last semester and had to know editing techniques 😂, I did fairly well too)

I really don’t know how she survived this

My bby trixie looking gorgeous as per usual. I love her so much, Helen u kill me

NO COÑFIO TRIXIE, HE’S NO GOOD

Haha why did I not remember the Gone With The Wind reference? Cynthia was so cute, I miss her carefree and happy

FRECO MOVE YOUR DAMN HAND, YOU ARE TRASH.

HE’S FICTIONAL BUT ID STILL FIGHT HIM

my poor bby😭💔 it is not your fault , he’s trash!! But this moment between the nurses warmed my cold heart

“Matrons in charge, virgins of iron” 😭😭

Aw Earth Angel playing, ✨🎼 I highkey pop to 50s/60s pandora stations

Jenny yes it’s illegal but do you think that matters rn??

TIM AS MAID MARION LMAO

Sister Bernadette looking at Dr Turner ah omg 😭they’ve come so far.

It’s not your fault Jenny but you should’ve told someone

Sister B & Tim won 👏🏼

LMAO ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THAT POST “WOAH CALM DOWN IM JUST TRYNA DATE YOUR DAD”

and she’s down, and the glasses flew

“You’ve hurt your hand” “well I’m sure there’s no need to amputate” ah sister b/shelagh lowkey has some of the funniest lines she just slips them in and people miss them !!

Here it comes ..

THE MOMENT..

“Would you like me to have a look at that?” UHM YEA

No but seriously I can barely remember what I thought when I first watched this but I knew something was gonna happen because a nurse can handle her own damn cut & well you know, she was in love with him

HE KISSED HER HAND. A fucking doctor kissed a nuns hand people, how scandalous & this was THE MOMENT I KNEW I WAS CORRUPT AND WAS GOING TO HELL, I AM SATAN I WANTED THE DOCTOR TO KISS A FREAKING NUN ON THE MOUTH LIKE WTF WHO RAISED ME? MY MOTHER WANTED IT TOO SO IDK BUT THIS KILLED ME, LIKE R.I.P HERE LIES GABBY, I WAS IN THE GROUND DECEASED. I’m actual trash. Someone dispose of me in the proper bin #recyle

for real, this is when I really knew that I was never going to love any other show like this and I allowed it to ruin me

BUT HONESTLY WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING? THATS A BOLD MOVE

BOLD IN GENERAL BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW IF SHE LIKES YOU BUT BOLD x1000 BC SHE IS A NUN, YOU KNOW MARRIED TO GOD, VOW OF CHASITY AND ALL THAt??

What if she would’ve freaked tf out or told sister Julienne? I don’t even know. I’ll just be grateful for how things turned out

“At this moment I only know I’m not turning my back on you because of you but I’m doing it because of him” AHHHH, DONT WORRY BBY GOD LOVES U AND UNDERSTANDS YOU LOVE HIM AND THE DOCTOR, LOSE THAT HABIT AND GO PROPERLY KISS PATRICK 😭

Sister MJ judging the baby contest is the purest thing & I need it to cleanse my disgusting soul that wants a dr to get with a nun #notsorrythough

“In Nonnatus we were good at tending other’s wounds and there were times I felt we were all each other’s children..” brb I’m crying I love that they’re like a family 😭💕💔

I’m so happy they didn’t kill Nora and she actually was happy in the end. I really wasn’t sure for a moment (obviously when I first watched lol)

“ Free reliable contraception came too late to help her, but in time the scientists triumphed. Her daughters and granddaughters lives remained transfigured, long after man left fleeting footprints on the moon.” Vanessa always knowing what to say in the end.

Lets see how the pill is going to be reintroduced this series, I’m interested  in how it’s going to play out.

I’ve said that so many times though so I’ll be done

The End.

[be-awake]

I feel like I need to disappear for a while. Just go off the map and not let a soul know where I'm going . People keep telling me I need to be alone. Alone with myself to find myself. However I feel like being alone with myself is very dangerous for me. But no one believes me ever. Sadly. I did that to myself. No one can teust. No one wants me around so I might as well just disappear. Just go be with nature and just breath I guess. I know I cant do anything stupid. I just know that I need someone cuz I'm struggling so bad with staying sober. It's getting harder every day and it's like no one notices. I'm not strong enough for myself. I know I need to find myself but how do I go about that? I've been lost for so long that I'm so unsure where to do how to do it. How to find myself. I mean how do you find yourself after being lost for so long? After doing so much damage to your brain, your heart and all of the people around you? I feel like everyone has given up on me. It's so hard to breath. I'm an emotional mess. So unstable and feel like I have nothing and no one. It sucks so bad being stuck and lost that you don't even know your own way home. Im so tired of pretending to be happy. But I don't even know what happy really is anymore. I know I have had some moments but their so far in-between everything. I just want to give up but that isn't even an option for me. I can't do that because that is just to easy. I know that life is about the struggle because I guess it makes you stronger but I don't understand how. I feel like all the struggle has done for me is make me weak. I don't want to make things bigger than what they really are but at times I can't help it. I just want to be heard and even when I talk to people about what's going on it like they don't even listen. It's like they don't care. I've never felt so alone that it scares me. I can be in a room full of people all of them talking to one another but never to me. I don't mean to throw a pity party but it's how I feel. And I am aware that what I feel doesn't mean shit. I honestly don't blame people from walking away from me. Shit I wouldn't even blame my boyfriend if he broke up with me cuz of how depressing I am, how I'm not fun anymore cuz I don't know how to enjoy life. It's like meth literally sucked everything out of me. It honestly took everything away from me and walking away from.it was the best thing I could have ever done for me. But I feel like now that I've done that no one cares. No one is there for me. And I just want to give up and start using again. But I can't. If I did it would only mask the feelings that I'm going threw. And it wouldn't change anything ever. It never does. So like I was saying I don't blame those who have walked away from me. I don't blame anyone for leaving me cuz it's my own damn fault. I mean I know that my boyfriend and my family love me but at times it doesn't seem like it cuz I've put them through so much. I'm such a depressing fucking mess of a human it is sad. I just am lost don't know what the fuck to do or where to start. I just wish I could be happy and be my old self again but I'm not even sure who that is anymore. Sadly I've lost myself and I don't even know if I can find myself ever again. I feel like ive walked away from my life, myself and have completely lost everything... Okay I apologize I'm done saying anything cuz I know it doesn't matter ever. So why am I trying to now? Fml... Ugh I hate this and myself. I wish I could just love me and accept me but I don't even know how or even where to start that is why I think disappearing would be a good thing . Cuz like I said everyone says I need to be alone .. even though I already am.. so here I go to be alone even more than I already am. Hopefully the darkness won't eat me up even more than it already has.

[achanceforus-x-blog]

My story so far

I am writing this to hopefully raise awareness and shed some light on situations people ignore or dismiss. I want to help people no matter what their going through with my words , my wisdom and inspire and give my strength to anyone who feels they have none left. My story so far .. A few major things had happened in the years before hand (Ill save these stories for another time) causing my mental health to deteriorate (such a big problem in our generation, thats just kept so secretive) Feeling lost and deflated keeping quiet about all my problems , our problems keeping shit to myself. Feeling to breathless and anxious to even leave the house for work. Falling out with friends because I was weak they thought I was stupid for all Ive put up with, a toxic relationship. Me and my long term partner would just argue and fuss and fight for hours to the point of ultimate distress on both halves. Neither of us really knew what we wanted when you've been romantic with one person for so long it can get really crazy I believe noones a bad person though I believe people only do bad things and thats the stage we were at doing bad things. The physical altercations got to much for us both it seemed as though we were killing each other slowly. Who bruises someone they love? Who try's to hurt them with wicked words? Im so done been a wicked person but we both had a bad mental state and combined it was not pretty. I lived with him and his family in not the most comfortable environment this could also spark our disagreements. Working full time jobs, missing each other , no trust in each other , assumptions , we even thought it was acceptable to lay our hands on one another at some points which is never ok on either part male or female. So with all this been said what the hell was a girl to do I felt I couldn't go home to my mother as it had been to long I was kind of brainwashed id fantasise about the days I didn't have to stay at my partners family's house anymore. One day I just became exhausted the fighting became to much and I finally stopped provoking and reacting then we remembered we can talk to each other. So after about a week of exhaustion and finally getting along again I started not to feel myself even more we got drunk at a christmas party ( I had some time of work and got drunk every day since the 16th December until just after christmas to numb my issues ) but this time we both got drunk at the party and we started loving on each other again like we had before he made a silly comment about my belly and said I had a little him in there. Which we both just laughed off drunkly as I thought yeah impossible. This comment didnt leave my mind all night then when a still slightly drunk but a more sober me woke up that comment was the first thing on my mind. I asked him what the fuck he meant?! He said he was just drunk and playing with me. Then I started to think wait I havent been feeling right for awhile I put it down to just been sad. But something kind of clicked in me I felt sick and I turned to my partner and said omg you've gotta get me a test he looked puzzled but when I explained he went to the corner shop and came back with three tests. I was terrified not to lie , id been pregnant before when I was younger and that didn't end well as they couldn't find a heartbeat .. Pure dread came into my heart and pure fear I started to feel more sick and panicked than ever. What if I lost a baby again I already accepted the fact I couldn't carry nor could I get pregnant again after the damage left and the blood transfusions and all the struggles of the time before. I didn't even want to be a mother at all , or did I ? No not Atleast until I was like 30 or something id pushed all thoughts of ever been someones mother out of my head for a while as it was to painful. Ugh why me , why didn't we glove up why did it have to feel so good why why why and then to think I had been drinking and smoking. Shit. I stopped all these thoughts and quickly manned up and took all the tests to the bathroom. All positive. Shit. Id not long started a great new job though , I was really excelling and I dont wanna be a mother and surely history would repeat itself? Were the tests right? I cant even get pregnant can I? Ive been drinking so much and smoking, ive been so sad ive been getting into scraps with my partner how far gone was I? Had we scrapped when I was pregnant? Im trapped. So many thoughts I sat in the bathroom and just let out a deep breath. Im the strongest person I know lol or am I or do I just suppress shit and abuse substances to get over the way i felt ? Either way I felt strong I know im strong after everything id been through before in the past year let alone the past few years. Okay It is what it is man. Walked out the bathroom and handed my partner all the tests we looked at each other he widened his eyes then he smiled real hard probably the most he'd smiled at me in a long time, he was happy but he was worried because he to lost his baby when I did before. We both lost the baby. It was ours and now we were faced with that feeling once again omg were pregnant wtf to do?! Not to mention We found out on new years eve!! So all of our plans cancelled. Man if this wasnt the time for me to get drunk and high I dont know what was. So we left it for a few days. We agreed to rebuild ourselves and rebuild our friendship and then out relationship. We obviously still loved and cared for each other but we had to make a pact no more toxic mess not around my baby no way no how. No More drinking for me I told myself I also stopped smoking cigarettes I was the moodiest id been in a month or so withdrawal symptoms really aint the one. I found it extremely hard to stop getting high though truthfully that had been my addiction and coping mechanism for years I felt even more lost wondering what the fuck I was gonna do without getting high everyday after work after a busy day after just having to wake up. Truly exhausting. Still only me and my partner knew our secret whilst I struggled to come to terms with it. At work I had the worst morning sickness ever I wont post to much about this but my job included me having to be really hands on and alert at all times It was getting real tough. I needed to tell someone. I told my manager their reaction wasn't really what I needed I guess they felt I was deliberately(damn it took spell check along time to figure out wtf I was just tryna spell) deliberately ruining their business. Great. And more exhaustion and more morning sickness. I need my mom Yo. The next day I went to my moms house and just came right out with everything she was shocked , happy , scared because of last time of course. My darling mom man I missed her she reacted just how Id wanted her to by getting my shits together telling me I had to make decisions from now and ultimately booking me a private paid scan for the next evening to check everything was ok. Work on this day was the worst all I could think about was whether I was gonna see that little heartbeat or whether it would have stopped like last time, like last time like last time all i kept thinking was like last time. Jesus get me the fuck out of here It was going slow though because I was clock watching. Finally it was time to leave i was outta there in no time I felt so sick driving to the scan place we picked up my partner It was just us three I could tell my mom and him were terrified to but they were just tryna be happy and make me laugh but i literally couldn't even speak I just felt so weird , silence please until we get this over with. So we arrive at the place and I swear my feet stopped working and my legs like I couldn't even get out of the car, mom helped me. Okay this is it. There was like a ten minute wait for the sonographer it felt more like ten fucking hours. Id zoned anyway I didnt know what anyone was saying and if they were talking to me I wasnt listening, finally they called me. We got into the scan room and oh my life Ive never experienced fear like it I personally thought I was fearless nothing scared me but this did. My mom literally had to lift me onto the bed and pull up my top for the scan and then explain to the sonographer Id had a bad experience in the past. My partner looked at me and smiled but I could see past his smile I could tell he was fucking shit scared just like me so he came and held my hand she rubbed the cold jelly on my stomach and began to look around Id covered my eyes by this point cos in my head I thought well at least this time if theres no heartbeat I wouldn't have to see it. I heard people talking my mom , the sonographer , some other woman in the back supervising I just wasnt listening to what they were saying my mom stood up and took my hands from my eyes and said its okay look! I looked and there was my beautiful little bean with the strongest heartbeat ive ever saw the sonographer turned to me and said your only eight weeks so not far gone at all but they have a real strong heartbeat and so far everything looks fine. I just froze and started sobbing. My little bean I couldn't believe it they printed us some scan pictures and I prized myself up of their bed and we went back to my moms house on the way back I was sick all over myself in the car in my new tracksuit that was really something. A part of me just couldn't believe I had a living thing inside of me. Wow got to my moms house cleaned up and ate some food and we talked and we made decisions and I told her I didn't wanna be a mother and she told me really it was tough and I should of thought about it before I didnt use protection. Lol typical thanks mom though I needed that. So I should have been relaxed cos there was a heartbeat but all I kept thinking about was would they even make it another week inside me I really didnt believe I was capable of bringing another life into this world. She dropped us back to my partners families house were we lived and my partner told his family they were happy for us his mother especially. We sat in our bedroom and I just cried on him for abit then he made a spliff and I had a few drags ( I know its bad but try not to judge me ) id read marijuana could help with sickness . Yeah anything to make it sound better. Fast forward a little bit to a week or so and I had a couple of appointments at the hospital due to what had happened before they wanted to double check me and see if I was okay. My manager was not at all happy about how many appointments I was having constantly making sly remarks and comments giving me the silent treatment telling me I was causing them to have to find cover. My initial thoughts whatever trevor I'm still here still working still trying my best your the least of my worries and just ignored them and looked forward to going to bed as the exhaustion was unreal Id never felt a tiredness like it honestly. Fatigue. Back at my partners house him and his mother had had a few disagreements lately and then one night it got really bad and a lot of harsh things were said and eventually she told him he had till the end of the week to get out. What ! I was shocked where was I gonna go ? All pregnant and shit clearly I had to go with him I hadnt left his side at the best of times never mind staying somewhere he'd been kicked out of. Weird shit I made the split second decision and told him lets leave now we grabbed a few bits we needed for the next couple days and left right there and then. Where we gonna go !? My partner asked I didnt even know I just knew I didnt wanna stay there any longer. I called my mom and briefly explained she didnt have a clue what I was talking about it was half eleven at night and everyone had work early in the morning she just said yes then we turned up at her house at midnight , a couple of lost puppies like hey. She just made sure we were okay we'd ate and we had somewhere to sleep with all her blankets and pillows. Fast forward a little bit I really wanted to move into our own place so I started saving over half my wages for the next two months and just stacking up buying things for the place we found , he was saving to , we'd saved more money then than in our whole lives , I mean it seemed real easy I wasnt buying bottles of alcohol all the time I wasnt buying cigarettes I wasnt buying weed no clothes cos I figured id just grow out of them soon anyway so my money was literally untouched so saving and buying household goods was all me for the next few weeks. I wasnt happy but I was at peace. We viewed a flat and I knew it was the one man I just didnt think we stood a chance as it was in a posh area and quite expensive and we were not posh and you know how landlords would stereotype a young black couple so I really began to give up hope of finding somewhere. But then they called and told us the place was all ours and we could come and collect the keys in two weeks I was so happy we were happy, it felt like things were finally gonna go right. The day before I was due to move in my manager dismissed me unfairly due to pregnancy discrimination. It didn't come as much of a shock because of all the shit id put up with them since telling them I was pregnant, but I couldnt believe people could actually do this stuff to people. It was disgusting I was so mad and now breaking down because I didnt even know if id be able to afford to live in our beautiful new home. All the stuff we'd brought and I didnt wanna be a young mom living in at my mothers house it was all just to much once again I manned up and realised I had alot of savings and still had another wage to come my way and some unpaid holiday so I was going to be okay until that ran out. Of course my partner works hard and he could pay everything but that is not something I wanted either so I made sure to even out my savings to last until the summer by then id be receiving maternity pay anyway. I was terrified for the 12 week scan as alot of pregnancies dont make it to the 2nd trimester all I could think about was what I had lost before I just couldn't accept anything good would happen for me so once again sick and nervous I went to my next scan and there it was again a beautiful little heartbeat , so strong and the way they were wiggling about in me on the scan I still just could not believe it more scan photos were given and I left feeling abit happier once again still filled with terror and worry. I began to wonder whether or not id ever be able to enjoy been pregnant and if it was even worth it worth putting on the fake smiles every day worth looking at my changing body going from been super underweight hardly , controlled eating basically not eating at all - when I was sad cos It was the only thing I felt I had control over , to having no choice but to eat constantly all the time even through all the horrible morning sickness that FYI doesnt just fucking occur in the mornings. Ugh. Whatever. I have no choice for me pregnancy felt horrible its a really weird experience I didn't understand how women skipped about with their big bellies all happy and excited cos I was not happy or excited I loved my baby of course but It filled me with dread to think I could be growing them but never get to meet them again I just was not prepared for this at all and Im twenty years old. Isnt that old enough? Hell no. But theres nothing I can do. Fast forward 16 weeks pregnant and received news you can pay for a private scan to reveal the gender. So basically to put it blunt I thought everytime I had another scan I wouldnt see the babies heartbeat sounds paranoid and ridiculous and surely after three scans id calm down . Nope it got worse for me. So of course I wanted to find out the gender but for me it was just another way to see if the baby was still alive in me. The day of my gender scan I actually had an appointment with the midwife to listen to the heartbeat. So i went into that terrified as well my midwife knew how scared I was and dealt with me really nicely she eased me into it and then I heard my beautiful baby's heartbeat for the first time. Oh my God it was shocking I felt breathless I was listening to my baby's heartbeat. (Ive just noticed excuse my poor grammar throughout I never liked school lol) but that heartbeat the most special thing to me its all I could think about. Then in the evening when it came to my private scan I was still terrified at finding their heartbeat even though id heard it literally a few hours before! It was then that I realised I actually had a real problem. But whatever suppressed that again and readied myself for what they were saying in the scan. So I brought along my sister my dad my mom my partner and my bestfriend as you were paying you could have five people in the room lol. This if your highly nervous I wouldnt recommend they were all so excited and happy I just couldnt figure out how they were so excited and happy whilst I was miserable and terrified. So on the scan table the cold jelly again and then the sonographer started to feel around I covered my eyes again of course like I did every scan then got the all clear that there was a heartbeat then started to watch it was beautiful I couldnt get over the fact a little human was inside my belly so weird so magical wow. The sonographer asked so do you want to know the sex my family were all like wooo yeahh I didnt say anything just half heartedly smiled all of a sudden then sonographer told me its a girl!!! Oh my God. I had a little girl growing inside me a mini me. I sobbed abit again. Unreal my very own little daughter. So overwhelming that I actually started to feel really upset thats another thing about been pregnant these raging hormones noone warns you about this stuff I swear. So we were having a little girl (something my partner had said all along) and I was still not happy. I started to feel really selfish and bad. I explained I felt lonely I dont know how when I wasn't alone but it was just not a great feeling at all I really needed help I started to act irrationally and like an emotional wreck I definitely needed to accept some help so a week or so later I spoke up and was referred to a mental health midwife. Which to me sounded dramatic as fuck. But cos id struggled with mental health before it was something they had recommended anyway but stubborn old me didn't take the help. But now it was official I was dealing with antenatal depression like a constant feeling of impending doom I just couldn't be happy ever again could I? At Least not until my daughter was in my arms. I dont do talking or taking sad pills I couldn't drink I couldn't get high or control my eating like before not to mention I couldnt just have the maddest sex session either as I was scared that would harm my baby to. Ugh. I couldn't do nothing man because I was pregnant so my stress went straight to my head all everyone kept saying was dont stress you'll stress out the baby. Like really thank fuck you just said that never thought of that before. I literally couldnt listen to people and their stupid comments I just tried to accept they were trying to help and whatever they were saying was in my best interest. Okay Now this is were my story so far gets real fucked up. Ive been trying to think how to word this since before even starting to write this. Writing it in my head over and over but this is were it gets really personal to me. We're almost up to the current point in my story so far to. So 19 weeks pregnant I am terrified (surprise) for my next scan next week, its the 20 week scan it looks at your baby and your inside properly in abit more detail and sees if things are forming the way they should with the baby and with the umbilical cord, the placenta, the sack of fluid baby is in just all sorts of things. So of course im fearing the worst noone gets why I always fear the worst but I did it before been pregnant anyway so now im pregnant it just made it that bit worse for me. Im showing now by the way got a right little belly going on lol my moms started with a baby box , little socks her first teddy , a couple outfits she even managed to convince me to buy my little girl something I brought her some girly dinosaur baby grows as Id never saw dinosaurs for girls before and I loved it. So this beautiful little baby girl box. I looked through now and again and I wouldnt say I got used to been pregnant but I started to feel her little movements her little swimming and butterfly movements in my tummy so as much as Id tried to stay detached incase of any loss I was attatched whether I liked it or not. My baby girl. I pictured what shed look like , where id take her , what me and my partner would be like with a baby and what a daddy he would be. Holidays with her and just the rest of my life with her. My saviour she'd even made me able to forgive my partner and to care a lot less about the silly little things in life when I think about it she's the only reason Id found a way to want to live again, like she'd given me a purpose like I didnt need to have my eating disorders anymore or get high or get drunk all I needed was to feel her move. I dreamed about kissing and feeling her skin for the first time, I just couldnt believe id been given the opportunity from God to bring one of his angels onto the earth. Had me really in my feelings and thats not me at all. Crazy shit. Anyway back to the scan. Im 21 weeks and 3 days now and its the day of my scan to see if everything's okay me and my partner are nervous of course but im with my mom and him again and there telling me everything's gonna be fine and I just need to chill out. So we get into the scan I cover my eyes once again and then the doctor tells me theres a heartbeat , a strong heartbeat. so I open my eyes and start to look his scanning all over explaining what he can see so far then he goes quiet and starts to scan the same place over and over again, her heart. So I just get a feeling somethings wrong. A single tear comes out my eye and I just lye on the bed waiting for him to say something to give me some information , finally he says im just going to get a second opinion. Thanks for all that info Dr fucking who. My mom and my partners faces they look so sad , so sad for me for them for us all man we dont understand whats going on were just waiting for them to say something more. Two doctors come in the room and scan her heart again shes wriggling all over the place at this point sucking her thumb , waving her arms. I just cant look at the screen anymore I cant bring myself to look at her. The doctor says im so sorry but we suspect she has hypo plastic left heart syndrome, well fuck me. From when he said im so sorry I just couldnt breathe again I didnt even know what the fuck he meant but im scared and im upset and im desperate. My partner looks so sad to. I just feel so bad I just want to apoligize to everyone I just dont understand why I cant do this one thing a women's supposed to do. So the doctor gives us some notes and refers us to a fetal medicine scanner to confirm the diagnosis. Basically the left side of her heart hadn't formed properly he told us what to look at online and what to read etc. I just couldnt believe it. I felt like a fool for ever believing something good could happen for me for us. So we left thinking we had nothing left. I had already started grieving and she wasnt even gone! I was grieving like she was though I just lost all hope. Reading up on the syndrome it means she will need open heart surgery at just a few hours old, then another open heart surgery at around 7 months if she was even to make it through the first op. Then another open heart surgery at 2/3 years old. Then eventually a heart transplant as her heart will never work like a normal heart and it can never be fixed. Well ill be damned. I spent the next few days until the fetal medicine scan breaking down in the shower and staying in bed anything I was doing included bed I didnt wanna leave bed I didnt wanna talk to anyone I was defeated. I couldn't bring myself to go into the room with that damn baby box. Fetal medicine scan day. Which are more skilled doctors sonographers that specify in looking at problems and confirming them. By this point id given up been scared before the scan as I was scared everyday. Waking up was like hearing the diagnosis all over again because as soon as I opened my eyes I would remember. So the doctors scanned and it was confirmed hypoplastic left heart syndrome my poor baby girl thinking of everything shes gonna have to deal with. How long would I know her? If I got to know her at all would she even survive the first op? Second? Third? What the fuck. Why me? Why me and my baby Im a good person Ive done a few bad things but ive dealt with more bad Jesus why me ? Did I really not deserve a break I just couldnt believe my luck. They offered me three options. Termination. Which I considered for a little while as I believed it would hurt less if I lost her now than loosing her when Id met her. Is it better to have loved and lost or to have lost and never loved? What kind of shitty statement is that I dont even know what to think anymore. I decide if shes still fighting then I have to fight with her I cant just give up hope for my baby girl. So cancel out that option. Next. They offer the three stages of the operations but thats not including any complications and operations to fix anything else that goes wrong oh and also my baby has to weigh over 5 pounds to be able to have these operations anyway and cant have any chromosomal issues such as down syndrome or Edwards syndrome then they really cant operate at all and nature just has to take its way. And the last option was compassionate care so when my baby's born they help us plan the funeral and give us extra support. To me all these options were fucked the fuck up and I just didnt want to have to choose any of them. We had like a week to make a decision until we met with the cardiologist who would explain my little girls problems in more depth as every baby is different of course and look in depth at her little heart. See if it was even possible to operate how much damage was actually done. Well fuck me. I seriously didnt even know this condition existed and neither did my family and friends. I couldn't help but just feel grief and defeat. But as long as my daughter kept fighting I knew that I was going to so we picked the second option deciding to go through with the operations if that was a possibility for her. Appointment over. I couldnt even bring myself to look at my stomach that night truth be told i couldn't even look at myself at all. I just felt like a failure If i couldn't do this what could I do? I thought about how my life will never be the same ever again as most babies take up to three months to leave the hospital if they even get to at all how much we'd have to be in the hospital for the rest of her life. Weve been dealt some real shit cards. Cant I just give her some of my heart? Cant my partner give some of his heart? We would give her anything she needed. Not possible. Ive tried to think of how to explain the next week to you guys but its impossible to put into words for me it felt like been in a box in the deepest point of the sea and seeing a random submarine in the distance but if you try to scream to get its attention you'd drown. Although that comparison is shitty because nothing could compare to the way I was feeling. Grief pure grief and heart break, I didnt know why God kept testing me but I also didnt want to question him. Cardiologist appointment arrived and in we went again to check over our baby. So her little heart is underdeveloped and the right side is doing everything for the left side. Everything else looks fine her growth is normal and her movements. The biggest problem though her heart. Now there are four severe things that could be wrong with her heart adding to her syndrome meaning she is unable to have the operation and she only had one of them. Her areola a small vaule to the heart was only 1mm big which will make it harder for the surgeons performing her operation. So it makes a high risk operation even more high risk. Then the cardiologist started coming at us with statistics and they sounded real shit , any hope I'd had left she knocked it the fuck out of me. Information overload I just couldnt believe what I was hearing still all I kept thinking about was how long we're going to know her for I mean we still dont know what were dealing with properly until shes here anyway all we know is she has a 25/75 chance of survival with the op . And a even lower chance without the op. So much to take in. We were told a charity named little hearts matter would get in touch with us and that we could go and visit parents or surviving babies after the op and then we would go and have a look at the children's hospital where our baby will be transported to straight after birth ( I wont even get to hold her until after the op ) blah blah blah just more words that hurt and I just wanted to get into bed. Left that appointment feeling worse than when we went in. I cried a hell of alot that night to in the shower were I felt I could just sit with the freezing cold water hitting me trying to wake me up out of this emotional daze I had dropped into. I went a walk and contemplated just jumping into the moving traffic so me and her could just be free together in a better place. No I refuse to sink. After that I realised most people my age could not put up with half the stuff I've been through hell people twice my age couldn't. I remembered I was super strong (more so than ever before) and that my daughter was just as strong as her mommy. The next day we spoke with the charity and now theres a lovely lady who calls me to see if were okay and how baby's doing. And I have more hope than ever I believe everything is going to be okay in the end and God only tests his strongest people. My baby girl is my will to live and she keeps me strong and she now kicks me real hard every single day her daddy feels and sees her kicks and so do my family and friends. She's so beautiful and strong im now 25 weeks and waiting on more scans I have to have one every two weeks and endless appointments monitoring her. Im a high risk pregnancy but I'm okay for the first time in a while and whenever I have a down day and cry a little my baby makes sure to kick me so I know she doesnt want her mommy to be sad. Dont get me wrong nothing is cured certainly my despair and broken heart for her broken heart, some days I feel like I can take on the world and anything it throws my way and other days I cant imagine loosing my little darling , it really hurts not knowing how long I may know her for. But I just have to accept life is an amazing gift no matter how short or long. And although I'm to young to be dealing with all this shit I'm making it my mission to deal with all of this shit just for my girl. And I hope to raise awareness on alot of issues raised in my post. Ill be writing more when the times right and thankyou for listening x https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1700345300267324&id=1696783053956882 https://www.betterhelp.com/start/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=mental+health+helpline_p&utm_content=41730113956&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=p&utm_campaign=384715930_mobile&ad_type=text&adposition=1t1&gclid=CK7R9-e03tMCFcy37QodO20LaA&gor=start-go&fv=d http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/mental-health-helplines.aspx https://www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/antenatal-depression http://mensadviceline.org.uk https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/ My story so far ! .. Stay tuned. #mentalhealth #awareness #littleheartsmatter #speak #useyourvoice #love #follow #strong #pleaseread #story

[thegeminisage]

i realized i had been typing up zelda blogging into notepad for like a week plus without posting, cause i didn’t wanna post everyday once i finished the main story? but then it got SUUUPER long. i waited for it to kinda taper down since now i’m mostly down to completionist stuff, and since it has, i’m gonna post it & just do small posts if i decide to blog abt anything else.

it feels rly weird not to zeldablog now

i ran into a blue? silver? lynel and got trapped fighting it on my way out of hyrule castle AND KILLED IT!! yay!!

also im going back to the mountain to check out that glow

i checked the shrine out next to it, since i was only activating them near the end and not DOING them

and they've gotten way more complex

now i understand when the monks commend your resourcefulness like before i was like, pls. that was way too easy. literally anyone could have done that

i went to the lake at night and it isn't glowing ): idgi did i see something else? does it only do that from a distance? on certain nights? i could see it from SO far away...

o my god theres a GOLF minigame the camera angles even do the thing

fucking fuck dinraal showed up WHILE I WAS PLAYING GOLF 

i MISSED him im so mad i couldnt fast travel away bc minigame!!!

WOW AND HERE COMES THE BLOOD MOON WHICH I WAS WAITING ON AT THE LAKE MOUNTAIN im so pissed i fuckin hate golf at this point its faster to finish than to run all the way back and quit :|

i finished golf but the blood moon just turned into?? a normal moon??

ah okay the glow is random and it's a rare mount!! thank god it wasn't just me losing my mind lol

haha i went to kill the shock arrow lynel just to see if i could and it only took like less than a minute with atk+ armor and decent weapons/shields

plus i'm just better at that special timing stuff now

figures it wouldn't happen til post-game

wtf another blood moon only a few nights later???

i read it was super glitchy but i never really realized until i was paying attention...

aww i bought a house!! maybe link and zelda can live there until the castle is restored YES THEY WILL BE MARRIED SOMEDAY

it's a cute quest i wish i had brought enough rupees to buy all the furniture in it

anyway like. it's super nice to have finally beaten this game's story?? i feel like now i don't have to Rush, i can stop and poke around and explore just like i want, tbh i kinda wish i had done it sooner

anyway im done for the night but i think i will rack up a bit more blogging before making a post i don't wanna be making one every day anymore

——

okay so im gonna wait for the blood moon at this shrine

ive been reading that its random and glitchy?? but had i never read any of that i would have been SURE it was just every full moon, like clockwork

so maybe i'm wrong or the internet is

anyway i have enough fire arrows and wood to camp for a full 10 nights, after which im bailing lol

OH FUCK CANCEL EVERYTHING A SHOOTING STAR

I WONDER IF I CAN FAST TRAVEL TO IT??

only one way to find out

I CAN!!!!!

tonight's a halfmoon...if it's waxing then only 2 more nights, if the blood moon is the fullmoon

waning - 6 more nights :/

and who even knows if the blood moon is the full moon...

i've been reading so much and there's so much i was aching to do while trapped in bed that i don't know where to begin...! yet i am waiting at this dumb shrine, haha

i think i wanna to the terrytown quests? tarrytown? where you build a town, those sound so fun, but ofc i need rupees

three-quarters moon! pleeease letthe next one be a blood moon, i say for once in my life lol

oh no...full moon but no blood moon ):

ugh i do not WANT to camp here for a hundred years

i suppose with the nearby shrine i can get to it fairly quicky but not quickly enough for my liking...once the moon rises you only have literally like two minutes before it leaves

so i have to notice it, get out there, and get naked in less than 2 minutes, without warning :/

ok yeah no this is stupid i'll just do something else while i wait

ah, but what! this is what i was talking about earlier, where do you even BEGIN

i could go back and solve shrines, but puzzles are only fun for so long, i wanna explore and there's so much left to see

i could also rupee farm hahahaha

and for better or worse i do eventually wanna get all the korok seeds...

actually i think i wanna fight minibosses?? which is so weird but i feel like i can take em

i know the silver lynels will kick my ass from reading tvtropes but i can take the others!!!

i also read about the lon lon ranch ruins, which i either missed or didn't realize what they were...i don't have a clue as to where they are, but i wanna see them, i know i'll be Sad

omg people startle when i get close to them wearing dark link armor

oooh i was wondering what this big circular tower was...man i havent seen ANYTHING in hyrule field

apparently there are monsters inside...i see a blue lynel? silver lynel? who knows

but i fought one before, so maybe i can take it

i WAS wanting to fight stuff

camera says it's silver, tvtropes says silvers are harder than calamity ganon himself

but the ones that aren't red all look alike to me, so i have no idea which kind i fought in hyrule castle...and my sword had superpowers then

the problem is all these OTHER monsters...no way could i take them on all at once

so i gotta go around and pick them off first without being noticed if i can

omg i cant drop the master sword when electrocuted ahaha nice

oops i dropped a lizalfos down there with the lynel....lmao maybe i better just go fight him before i fuck up anything else

ah no it's coming back on its own. well done

ok, got em

man, wouldn't it be just my luck if the blood moon rose NOW

tbh if it did i would have to abandon this entire thing, which i would, reluctantly, just so i wouldn't have to wait anymore

ooh god he saw me i was hopin for a sneak attack ;w;

ok here we go i guess!!

i did it!!!!

it actually wasn't that bad, tho it got a bit dicey a couple of times

so much of this game is like, your buffs and armor and weapons, i've had harder fights against weaker foes just bc i wasn't properly equipped

but learning to dodge and use my shield a bit better certainly didn't hurt

tbh it looks like most of what i wanna do requires rupees, so i should go farm some i guess!

boring, but you know

apparently i was wrong about the music in goron city and the gerudo areas and they ARE the classic tunes...i just didn't hear it??

AAAAH the satori mountains are glowing!!

;w; i caught him

what a freaky-lookin boy

i wish i could keep him!!

jesus fuck the blood moon came up and i idled at the screen without looking, god, the ONE TIME

i bet i'll never make it in time but i gotta try

dark link armor will make me move a BIT faster at night for what its worth but i dont even think i have revali's gale ready jfc

thank god i made it with just a few seconds to spare

yikes its lightning af outside so im gonna quit for now

——

aww tarreytown looks so cute so far!! i wanna build it up ;u;

lol i hate when you know a guardian is nearby and can't find it even tho i can fight them now my heartrate is still so jacked up

——

god the tarreytown sidequests are so pleasant and relaxing like

i havent felt so calm playing this game since...i don't think ever

and like, they talk about the yiga clan and the monsters outside

and if i were a person with more time i would write the cute genfic about how tarreytown gets put under seige but their location makes that hard and they fight off the bad guys

it's always sunny there!!! no matter the weather elsewhere :')

also i finally did break the hylian shield cleaning out the guardian room on maze island and i got a replacement there......for3k, but still

anyway im finding all the chests from the shrines i missed and one is in the plateau ): my heart

like, i can't believe i used to think this mountain was massive, this plateau was massive. it's so small compared to everything else. and so lonely ;_;

like, i miss it, weirdly, but i miss the version that had the easy enemies and the old man and where when i looked outside of the walls it was all very misty and i couldn't even comprehend the true size of this world

so: nostalgia, i guess

——

jesus FUCKING christ i went out to see the ranch ruins with epona and i got attacked by a guardian, a yiga clan member, and two silver bokoblins on horseback

FINALLY fought them off, terrified the entire time something would happen to epona, and i got attacked by three stal moblins

fought THEM off and there's a stal bokoblin on a stalhorse! but i can't catch it or ride it because of all times, the blood moon is rising!! j e s u s c h r i s t

now i've gotta get on my horse and get the hell out of dodge before those things come back to hurt her

i was thinking of a nice relaxing-if-sad trip before bed but no i gotta come back on FOOT to kill these guys AGAIN and then bring her back during the DAY so we can properly look around

who KNEW this would be so awful, jesus

okay update i did get on the stalhorse bc i have about 30 seconds to snap a cool pic (no way i can ride it out to whatever stable i need for the quest...even if i could leave epona here, it's much too long of a trip) but fucking hell dude

FUCK i took too long it rose epona and i are STILL HERE LMAO (((:

i didn't know if i should get on epona and ride for it or teleport to the stable and then board her

i teleported and it looks like she's still safe bc they boardered her ;_;

i took her back out and gave her a bunch of apples ;____; my poor brave girl

lol as if that wasnt enough its about to start lightning

ugh i'm coming back tomorrow and cleaning that place out good and fucking proper

i'd kinda like to do it tonight but it's already so late and i don't feel well and it would take a long time and also be a bit stressful probably

at least now i know where to find lots of stalhorses lol

although if you think about it they're there bc a lot of horses died

aaaaand i'm sad again

(super mad i didn't get pics on my in-game camera of the horse, but the snapchat pic i snapped of dark link riding it under the blood moon was still pretty damn cool)

——

w o w

i kinda wish i had been able to bring epona, but i couldn't—it's so dangerous here

but after clearing it out and actually getting to look around, uh

this is brick-for-brick the most faithful recreation of oot's lon lon ranch

and i am SO sad

ugh i just had to restart an entire shrine bc i dropped my korok leaf at the last second bc i was trying to open all the chests and i had to go back and get my good spear that i had to drop to get the korok leaf in the first room...but i needed the korok leaf to get back to the end!!!!!

i hate the weapons system in this game sometimes i won't lie like sometimes it's really good and sometimes it drives me bonkers

oh my fucking god lmao

i can't even RESTART the shrine bc the leaf was in a CHEST which is now empty. holy shit

like, that is NONFUNCTIONAL

they should have had a tools section for leaves and axes and shit i swear to fuck bc i always drop korok leaves as soon as i can bc i don't ever use them to sail and i have so little room and there's so many weapons...jesus christ

i made a huuuuuge list of everything i need to fully upgrade all my armor. it took hours but i think i did the math wrong

remember when i said i was never going back to eventide? well here i am! i'm farming bokoblin guts/general monster drops lol and i knew there were a bunch here :|

but i'm better armed now! so it should be a cakewalk

even red hinoxes don't give me much trouble these days. we'll see

sniped the upper camp no problem with some pretty basic bows. don't know WHY i sniped it, i could have fought them...

haha just kidding. yes i do

time to fight the hinox, i suppose

tbh this is giving me trauma flashbacks lol

duuuude theres a lil star by this hinox's name!!

does that mean the game keeps track of which i kill.......awhile ago the fang and bone guy said he wanted me to kill every hinox and i'm like "fffft yeah right like the blood moon wouldn't come up halfway through each and every try"

but maybe that doesn't matter O:

now i can use stamps to only mark hinoxes i HAVENT killed............interesting

unfortunately i've also been stamping lynels, and i'd hate to take stamps off just bc i'd killed something...man

i wish i had more kinds of stamps and the ability to USE more stamps, geez

i could kill all four moldugas first and see what he did before deciding if it was Worth It

this doesn't make me feel like a badass and i'm not actually getting any great drops. i just have war flashbacks and feel slightly creeped out and anxious. so i'm leaving

holy fuck i finally got the rubber armor and duuuuude it really is shock proof! i got struck by lightning and it knocked me off my feet but only took a quarter of a heart!!!

——

guess i should make a list of taluses, hinoxes, and moldugas i KNOW ive killed :|

it won't be comprehensive but i wanna keep track of it, sigh

i'm trying to farm bokoblin guts but this one area is like all these high up bridges and platforms and they ALWAYS fall so every time i have to fly down and climb back up :|

this place was from one of the coolest parts of the trailer though i really like it

i thought foolishly to knock them all off and then go down and get them. of course they'd despawned by then </3

——

I FOUND KASS IN THE RITO STABLE? HE HAS A WIFE AND KIDS BACK HOME??

like tvtropes spoiled that for me i'll admit but im still cryin...hes so homesick!! he fulfilled a promise!!!! kass buddy i'm gonna clear those shrines for you ;_;

also update i get medals for killing all the things so ofc i gotta do that if i want 100%

i Dread the getting of the korok seeds i just dont know if i am Capable especially knowing there's no reward

like, i'm trying to get all the shrines done before i finish off the sidequests bc once i finish off the sidequests i am not gonna wanna play anymore, the story stuff and exploration stuff will mostly be over, my drive to keep going will drop dramatically, so like

gotta do the shrines first so i actually have time to WEAR the super cool armor i get

otherwise it would be sidequests, shrines, armor, but then no more playing lmao

——

I GOT IT AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL

I MAY NEVER WEAR ANYTHING ELSE

(thats a lie i gotta wear other stuff until i can get this upgraded bc the stats are so low...but its BEAUTIFUL)

——

i did all the stables so why won’t kass come see his daughters? ;_;

oh ok i had to go get the cache

AWWW BUDDY

he finally knows it’s me!! furthermore zelink #confirmed thank u nintendo this is probably the most overt it’s ever been tbh

——

finally fully upgraded my armor & i never wanna see another dragon again

they kept failing to spawn where they were supposed to and the only one who spawns reliably/is easy to hit/doesn’t send scales flying 100000 miles away is farosh, naydra and dinraal are absolutely horrible, naydra in particular has nowhere you can fast-travel to, you have to fast-travel to a nearby shrine and then walk a good distance no matter where you drop in at. naydra was also the most finnicky about showing up when she was supposed to

at least i figured out i can use a flame sword instead of fire arrows to light campfires

getting honey was pretty easy there’s a fuckton next to those hinox brothers and acorns are kinda everywhere

the beetles were a little more tedious but once i put them on my sensor not too bad...the worst part was turning beedle down every time he wanted one because he does a LONG speech that is SUPER annoying after the 100th time and you’re just trying to buy arrows

anyway im gonna go test the defense

surprise! lynels and guardians can still kick my ass!

everything else seems to fly right off me tho so that’s something

it’s been ages since any hinox or talus was able to put up a fight against me

i’ve still only killed about half of each tho like :/ damn they are everywhere & there’s sooo many

——

i’m lowkey wondering if i will attempt to 100% this game like i do Not look forward to getting all those fucking korok seeds, at that point it is no longer fun, yk, and the reward is so stupid

also i saw a video about having to visit every major named place on the map as well

and both of those things obviously guarantee that you see EVERY INCH of this huge and exapansive and beautiful world, but i feel like if i forced myself to keep going and doing it i would learn to hate the game a little bit lmao. lowkey feel like that’s adding fake hours onto your game for something that stop being fun and turns into absolute tedium, but i guess i can understand wanting to give completionist players a reason to see EVERYTHING

we’ll just see how i feel - i still have quite a few sidequests left, and while i don’t wanna burn thru them too quickly (bc again, after they’re over my interest will drop dramatically) i also still wanna fight the minibosses and upgrade as much of my armor as i am able to

but like, who the fuck has time to farm 160ish star pieces...? not me my dude and that mmo-type drop rarity is like :/ i disapprove, that’s like...cheating. but anyway. we’ll see how far i get