#unfortunately i did see some after the last episode and i simply closed the app

[kngofsoul]

ever since buddy daddies has ended I haven't looked at the tags bc I don't want to read what people have to say about the show!!! I'll simply live in my cute little bubble where I'm happy and ignorant of the mess

[mulletcal]

words with friends - ashton irwin blurb.

a/n: okay so i got this dumb idea when i saw lau ( @sexgodashton​ )’s tags on this post pls forgive me 

word count: ~1.8k

warnings: none

****

At first, Ashton thought that the lockdown with his 14-year-old niece wouldn’t be so bad - he’d have someone to talk to, crack jokes with, and binge Netflix with.  But about a week into them being told they couldn’t leave the house at all is when things started to get a little rocky.

“Uncle Ash, your WiFi is the absolute worst.  This is the 10th time it’s buffered for this episode of Peaky Blinders.  It’s too much,” she sighed, pausing the TV so that she could turn to him, “You need to look into getting a better service provider.”

Ashton frowned, glancing up from the game he had just lost on his phone, “Is that why I just lost this game of Words with Friends against Calum?”

“Probably! You both have terrible WiFi - so it was one of you,” On her screen, Ashton could see her looking up potential service providers that could be newly set up without them having to enter your home.

“I think it’s his, I’d put my money on it.  My internet’s been fine all this time,” Ashton typed up a message to Calum that said ‘bro your wifi is shit get it fixed’. 

“Fine, or were you just never home long enough for it to become a problem?” 

“Wow, hard hitting facts for a 14 year old.” Ashton’s phone pinged, a simple middle finger emoji as a response from Calum.

“Look, I found one that has contactless set up, and their reviews are great.  Just think about it - you don’t know how long this is going to last, and you don’t want to be in the middle of kicking Calum’s ass--”

“Language!” He laughed, placing a hand to his forehead, “Alright, alright. I hear you.  Send me the number so I can contact them about it.”

Within a few hours, everything had been arranged - Ashton realized he had a weird sense of attachment to his internet service provider, feeling guilty that he was cancelling on them, especially during a hard time like this.  Some reassurance from his niece helped though, and he accepted that his life would likely be better if when he was home he could watch a movie straight through without needing to pause it, go make a snack or two, and come back to see if it had loaded enough.

The next day, the new router arrived on his doorstep, and the man who delivered it was outside in his van, phone at the ready so he could walk Ashton through the setup.  Overall it was easier than expected, everything ready to go in less than an hour - he had expected some type of all day event; but much to his delight he was back settled into his couch, underneath a cozy blanket as he opened Words with Friends once again.

He was eager to be able to call his friend out on his poor WiFi, now knowing (hoping) that it would go rather seamlessly.  Unfortunately though, Calum was busy at the moment, so Ashton was left to select playing against a stranger the game suggested was his match of the day.  It wasn’t often he did that, trying to keep it to just the people he knew - but just this once couldn’t hurt.  What did hurt was the fact that this person was absolutely kicking his ass, making his jaw drop with every word they made.

At the end of their game, Ashton frowned when he realized he lost by almost 100 points - how was that even possible? His phone notified that this person wanted to go again, and he wondered for a moment if they wanted to face him again because he seemed like an easy person to win against.  His competitive side came out tenfold for this round though, trying his best to think of words that would give him the most bang for his buck, as it were.  He almost had them, a few points ahead - but then they put down a word that completely obliterated him.

Ashton almost threw his phone, he did, not used to losing so easily against someone.  He liked to think of himself as a wordsmith, he was a songwriter after all, he should be able to be better at this. Tapping the ‘chat’ option, his fingers hesitated over the keys before typing out ‘HOW?’.  Aggressive? Maybe, but he needed to know what their secret was.

Their reply was quick, a casual ‘😇’ and somehow that frustrated Ashton more.  Maybe he needed to go for a walk.  There was no reason why he should be such a sore loser about a game, maybe being on lockdown was driving him slowly stir crazy. His phone buzzes with another notification and the person asked ‘Another round, or are you too scared to lose again?’.  Oh, now it was on.

A couple hours, and many rounds later with some occasional banter back and forth between the two of them, Ashton finally needed to stop - his eyes felt like they had gone dry from staring at his phone for hours on end.  His niece came into the living room, her head cocking to the side.

“You’re in the same position that you were when I last came down here - have you finally turned into a couch potato? Should I call mom that I’m gonna have to start using you as our produce?” she asked, a grin on her lips.  His niece was a mirror image of his sister, and it made him frown - missing her more and more every day. “Why is your face so red? You feeling okay?”

Ashton hadn’t even realized that his face was warm - was he getting sick? Or was it the witty banter back and forth with the person from the game that had gotten to him? He hoped it was the latter, he’d feel incredibly guilty if his niece was stuck in his house with him while he was fighting what was likely the common cold, but the times were uncertain.

“D’know, doesn’t matter.  What do you want for dinner?” He asked, brushing off her questions as he followed her into the kitchen.

***

Days later, Ashton had kept up the banter with this stranger.  Their conversations were more frequent, and their games less so.  It was kind of nice to talk to someone new, someone who didn’t already know what to expect from him, or things to say.  His stranger friend seemed off today, and it made him frown slightly, thinking that maybe they were growing tired of talking to him.

‘Your wittiness is off today, friend, you doing alright?’ He typed out, pausing for a second before he pressed send - was it weird to ask that of someone? 

It wasn’t long before his phone lit up with a response, ‘Sorry, just tired. My neighbour likes to stay up until ungodly hours playing music, or drums.  Sometimes both at the same time.’

Ashton was mid-yawn as he read the words, a small laugh falling from his lips as he recalled his night; staying up until 3 am in his studio playing drums.  ‘Wow. Sounds like me and your neighbour could be buds, you should put in a good word for me.’

‘Would if I knew them, I moved in not long before all of this started.  Didn’t get a chance to be the weird neighbour that pops by with cookies.’ 

Ashton bit his tongue at that, a grin tugging at the corners of his lips, ‘Do it anyways, be even weirder and leave them on the doorstep, give em a scare and a treat.’

‘Should I leave a nice note saying ‘please keep any and all banging prior to midnight’?’

‘I’d leave out the banging part, but that sounds like an amusing idea.’

Ashton left their conversation at that, figuring he could continue with his day.  Not that his day would consist of much, just attempting to write songs, and test out new recipes with his niece that she always ultimately hated, but it was worth a try.  She decided they should go for a walk around their neighbourhood in the afternoon, and after some contemplation he agreed.  He never ended up going for a walk the other day like he had meant to.

The sun was warm on their skin as they walked, and his nose picked up the faint smell of apples, making him smile.  He thought of his Words with Friends friend, hoping their baking was going well too if they had decided to bake a treat for their new neighbour. 

Ashton hadn’t realized how long he and his niece had been gone until his phone buzzed with a new notification from his RING app, alerting of someone at the door as well as making him aware of the time.  Wasn’t uncommon, he was waiting on a couple packages - but when he opened the app, he saw someone set something down on his doorstep before walking away.  They didn’t appear to be dressed in any type of mail carrier uniform, and Ashton grew a bit distressed by the idea of a foreign item being left on his doorstep.

In an attempt not to worry his niece, he didn’t voice his concerns, instead voicing they should head back.  It wasn’t much of a ways away, them already on their way back - but when they arrived Ashton saw a small red tupperware container sitting there with a note on top.

“What’s that?” His niece asked, leaning down to pick up the note - a smirk spread across her lips, eyes flickering towards Ashton, “Seems like your neighbour doesn’t appreciate your late night drum covers,” she spoke, handing him the note.

Reading over the note, Ashton made the connection almost instantly, his heart racing.  

“What’s wrong? You look as if you’ve seen a ghost.”

“That person that’s been annihilating me in Words with Friends, apparently they are our neighbour.  We were talking earlier and they mentioned making cookies for their neighbour since they’d just moved to the area.”

His niece nodded, a knowing smile on her lips, “Seems like you guys talk about more than just what is basically Scrabble.”

Swatting at her arm gently, he shooed her inside, picking up the container and opening it - he realized then that the smell of apples that had invaded his senses earlier was them, and it made his heart warm at the thought they were so close.

Taking out his phone, he snapped a quick picture of the container to send to them, simply adding a ‘Thanks for the cookies, I’ll try and keep it down.’ Below it before tucking his phone into his pocket to enjoy one of the cookies they had made.

That’s one way to socially distance meet new people, he supposed.

tag list: @haikucal​ @talkfastromance4​ @softbabiestan​ @boyfriend-cal​ @calum-uncrowned​ @wildflowerirwin​ @irwindoll​ @gosh-im-short​ @atlcalm​ @thesubtweeter​ @heavenisapeach​ @ridingcthood​ @loveroflrh​ @wokeupinjapanisabop​ @mantlereid​ @inlovehoodx​

[doof-doofblog]

"My Name's Jordan!"

Thursday 11th March 2021

Hello again everyone! The weekend is slowly approaching us! I hope you've all had a brilliant week so far and are looking forward to the weekend! I'm happy to say that this blog will finally bring up to speed with the rest of you! I've had so many things going on in my personal life, the only way I found it easier to catch up was to blog about 2 episodes in one post, but now everything should be back to normal!

There is quite a lot of drama happening in the Square right now that's fair to say. The first thing I'm going to mention is Bobby. Does anyone else feel for Bobby? Since his return to the Square he's been trying to do everything he can to live a happy and normal life for someone at his young age! But everything has been far from easy for him, being horrifically haunted by his deceased sister where he kept seeing her ghost. The poor lad had very few people to turn to, I guess he hasn't really got a best friend really has he, of course he has friends and family to look out for him, but he doesn't have that one best friend that everyone needs to turn to when they need someone. It comes as a surprise to find out that he has decided to join a dating app, and to be fair, why the hell not?

Whilst Kim is catching up with Iqra about her possible connection with Mila, Bobby is sat opposite them and Kim makes it known that finding someone for Bobby is going to be her next challenge. But before she can act, Bobby is astonished to notice that he's found a match on his dating app. Even though Kim's response is a little bit on the negative side, Iqra however shows Bobby her full support and congratulates him on his match, claiming that he deserves to be happy, which ever way he chooses to meet someone. Later in the day Bobby is home getting ready for his date with his new match, Jade. Kathy happens to get the smell of his aftershave and compliments that he's dressed up nice for the occasion, bless him. He's so cute! He voices his concerns about whether he's ready to start dating, but Kathy reassures him that it would be good for him if he was to meet someone new.

At the club, Bobby meets up with Jade, bless them both, they both look as nervous as the other. I guess you could say it was a little awkward, as they both sipped their drinks in silence before they built up the courage to make conversation. Poor Bobby, it's plain to see that he is completely and utterly nervous, and to be honest, it's understandable. It must be hard for someone like him who has spent the most of his young adult life in prison for accidentally killing his sister, to then be released and plunged into the real world, making new friendships and meeting new people, it must be a hell of scary thing! However, Jade seems really sweet asking the right sort of questions such as where he's from etc. However, when she excuses herself to use the restroom, Vinny does not help things. Whilst Bobby has been on his date, Vinny has been watching from a distance, he decides to give Bobby some advice and to just relax, thinking that he's reassuring the young lad when he mentions that Jade hasn't gone to the restroom to Google his name or anything! But of course, that DOES NOT help with Bobby! He instantly panics and does a runner, leaving poor Jade completely unaware as to why he's left. As Bobby returns home, we see him change his name on his dating profile app to Robert. I mean, is Bobby short for Robert? I really don't know, but either way, it looks as if Bobby is still really wary with people finding out who he is and what he did in his past. I don't know about you, but I kind of hope we see this Jade again, maybe she'll come back wanting an explanation from Bobby as to why he left their date? Who knows?

--

So the other thing we have to mention is Billy, Jay and Honey. It's the day of Janet's audition for the modelling agency and once again Billy and Jay can't seem to agree on who's going with who for the day. To stop the arguments, Honey decides to go to work, forcing Billy and Jay to go together with Janet to her audition. Sorry but I have to say, even though Billy needs to move on from Honey and accept she's with Jay, it's funny seeing the two grown men arguing like children! Unfortunately, Honey's idea doesn't go to plan. Where things are going smoothly for Janet at her audition, whilst at work, Honey has a nasty fall after climbing a ladder and reaching for some stock. After Jay and Billy hear the news about Honey's fall and she's been rushed to hospital, they once again start arguing like an old married couple about who should be with Honey and who should be with Janet.

Billy is furious to learn that Jay never answered his telephone calls, but as Jay rightly reminds him that the judge had asked them to put their phones on silent so not to disrupt the auditions. Eventually they come to the agreement that Billy should stay with Janet at her audition, as being her Father, it's only right that he should be there for his daughter. Jay will then go to check on Honey. Luckily Honey has no lasting damage to her fall, eventually she's brought home to rest up and Jay is thankful to see her safe and unharmed. However, things seem to escalate when there's a misunderstanding when Billy arrives. Billy arrives home, happy to see Honey looking safe, but as soon as Honey asks about her daughter's audition, it becomes clear that because of misread text messages, no one has been to pick up their daughter, poor Janet has simply been left at the venue on her own. In a blind panic, everyone starts to search the Square for the young girl, Jay informs them that the venue has all closed up and no one is around, it looks as if Janet could possibly have been kidnapped? For a very small brief moment, I did worry for the young girl, she's such a sweet girl and someone could easily take advantage of her disability to lure her somewhere - you just don't know really, do you?! But thankfully, she's found safe and well as a police officer walks her home. Maybe this could've been the lesson that both Jay and Billy need to make amends? Who cares who Honey is seeing as long as the children are safe? One thing is for certain, they're going to want to make sure that they can resolve their differences and put them aside for the children's sake. I'm intrigued to see how this mistake will affect them all?

--

The final thing, and main thing I need to talk about of course is Lucas!! After meeting Karen at the laundrette and finding himself a date, it was obvious that Karen was besotted with the unknown stranger, but in concern of giving him his proper name, Lucas introduced himself with the wrong name, using his deceased son's name, Jordan. At first, I kind of thought it was a little suspicious, but the more I watch Lucas in these episodes, the more I'm starting to believe that he truly is trying to be a changed man, that's all he's really wanting, isn't it?! Or am I being fooled and is it all an act?! Karen appears to be really excited about the possibility of having a new man in her life, even though her family believe it's too soon. Bernie even admits that she wants picture proof of her date when she meets him.

Understandably, Mitch is concerned for his ex-wife, claiming that it's another emotional tool to get over the loss of Chantelle, which it might be the case, but who knows? Before Lucas heads to his date, it looks as if he gets a visit from a support worker, someone who's trying to help him get back on his feet. She gives him the good news that they've managed to find him a new job and a place to live, however, the only downside is that it's in Newcastle. Lucas frets that this opportunity would not be right for him, as it would be taking him away from the people he loves most and will ruin his chance of rebuilding his relationship with Chelsea and Denise.

Later Karen arrives at the club, looking all glammed up and ready for her date, she's sat waiting patiently for "Jordan" to arrive. Looking ever so suspicious, Lucas eventually turns up, informing Karen that he wasn't expecting her to turn up, even though she's very smiley and giddy and sneakily taking pictures of her date for her family. I guess it's fair to say that Lucas and Bobby's story in this episode are quite similar, both going on a date with someone new, who have absolutely no knowledge about their past. Just as Bobby's date was awkward, but cute - Lucas's date with Karen is also a little awkward, personally, I found it quite hard to tell whether Lucas was acting suspiciously, or whether it was simply just nerves?

Meanwhile, Mitch is at the club with Denise voicing his concerns about Karen dating someone new, questioning whether it's another way of trying to cope with the loss of Chantelle. Denise informs Mitch that maybe Karen needs something new in her life, who knows? But it's then that Mitch shows a picture of the man Karen is on a date with, to Denise! Her face drops at the recognition of the man in the picture. Without hesitation, she informs Mitch everything, warning that Karen needs to be super careful with who she's dating. But back the at club, Karen and "Jordan" seem to have hit it off as they come to realise that they both have lost children. Lucas questions Karen about her children and the Father's, it seems as if he's either fishing for information or he's genuinely interested about her life.

Suddenly, it looks as if Lucas decides to come clean to Karen, admitting that he's not who he says he is, that he gave her an incorrect name, it looks as if he's about to come clean and be honest with her. But before Lucas is even given the opportunity to finish his sentence or even explain himself, Mitch comes bursting in and breaks in on their date, informing Karen that the man she's on a date with is actually Denise's ex-husband and his name is in fact "Lucas Johnson!". Poor Karen is in absolute shock when she realises her date's true identity, her attitude towards him changes instantly, leaving Lucas feeling devastated and humiliated. Later as Lucas sits alone in the pub, both Chelsea and Denise confront him about his absurd date with Karen, and how vile he is for using his deceased son's name, I don't know about you guys, but it's a this point I actually feel sorry for Lucas, just like Bobby, he wanted a chance of feeling normal, being able to go somewhere without people staring or gossiping. This confrontation however turns into a blazing row in the middle of the pub, Lucas is trying to do everything he can to make amends for what he's done and he's been shown no kind of respect from anyone since his return, especially from his own daughter.

As everyone goes home, Denise tries to softly explain to Lucas that the only way to get back into his daughter's good books, if it's what he's wanting, is to do this job for her. That way, she'll be free to be able to move on from things with Caleb and focus on her own life without any worries. It seems as if this small talk plays on Lucas's mind as the episode ends with him making a call to Caleb, once again using the false name, "Jordan"! What is Lucas up to? Is he going to set up a meeting with Caleb behind everyone's back and try and sort the situation out himself? Or could he be up to something much worse? What do you guys think?! What are your thoughts on the soap's current storylines, are you enjoying some more than others? Please leave me a comment or a message letting me know your thoughts or opinions on anything EastEnders, I'd love to hear what you have to say! Thank you again for reading, I'll be back again tomorrow! Love you all xXx

[mfackenthal]

The MFackenthal Show with Guest Star @usuallyamazinglyaverage!

banner by @whenyourheartskipsabeat

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Megs:  Hello Hello Hello!!!  Oh my gosh, I cannot believe it has been so long since my last show.  It’s truly so wonderful to see all of you here!  Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to catch up on my old shows and to encourage me to continue with them!  But enough about me, I am not why you are here today.  Today, you are here to meet another AMAZING guest.  Please help me welcome to the stage @usuallyamazinglyaverage​!

Mar shyly walks on the stage and gives Megs a hug.  They sit down on the couch facing the audience, their bodies angled towards one another. 

Mar, I am so glad that you are here today.  Thank you for agreeing to be on the show! 

Mar: Megs, I am delighted and simply honored to be here.  I can’t believe I am on The Mfackenthal Show! 

Megs: And I am so glad you are here.  You and I connected over a shared love for one Ethan Ramsey and I have loved watching you grow as a writer! 

Mar:  Awh, Megs!  I think I’m blushing! 

Megs: Oh stop!  You’re an amazing writer.  And we’re going to talk all about that shortly, but first, can you tell us when you joined the fandom and what brought you here? 

Mar:  Well, I officially joined in mid-april 2019, when I created my blog, but I’ve been following the choices fandom for much longer than that. While I’ve been a part of other fandoms before, this was the first time I really wanted to join in.

BRRRRRING!  BRRRRRING!!! A phone rings from somewhere backstage. 

Megs and Mar look at each other with questions in their eyes.  Megs looks behind her for the source of the sound, but when it stops, she just looks at Mar and shrugs.  

… I discovered the choices app by chance in the Apple store one weekend, while looking for something to distract myself with. I always loved games that featured in-depth romances, so of course my interest was peaked immediately. The first book that got my attention was Big Sky Country. I was instantly hooked. After I read that one, I browsed through more books and found Open Heart. Pixelberry had just released the first few chapters - and that’s when the real fun began! Hospital drama? Interesting plot? Quite a few really cool love interests? Sign me the heck up!  Of course, the one who got me really into it was our resident smartass doctor, Ethan Ramsey... Which is why I looked through tumblr right after finishing chapter 3, to see if a fandom for this strange and wonderful game existed. The rest is, as you say, history.

Megs: And just about a year later, you’re still here!  And so is Open Heart 2!!  Eeek!  That last chapter you wrote with Ethan helping MC work out and then showering.  Damn girl!  If you haven’t read it yet, folks, check out the link at the bottom of your screen: 

https://usuallyamazinglyaverage.tumblr.com/post/612091098044792832/two-more-minutes-ethan-x-mc

While Megs is pointing out the link, a red phone booth is rolled out onto the left side of the stage beside the couch.  Mar just glares at it.  Megs doesn’t seem to see it at all because it’s behind her.

Megs:  The fandom is an interesting place.  What do you love about the fandom?  What do you dislike? What would you like to say to the fandom? 

Mar:  The better question is, what don’t I love about it? There is so much talent and kindness in this fandom, it’s sort of mindblowing! I was welcomed with such enthusiasm and I have made many (hopefully) lasting friendships as well. But, like all fandoms, we have our problems. Some people will never get over the fact that the opinions of others will often differ from their own. That kind of toxicity is a part of every fanbase, unfortunately. 

The phone in the phone booth starts ringing.  Megs jumps up and practically into Mar’s lap. 

Megs: What the hell?!  

Megs and Mars just hold each other for a moment. 

The phone keeps ringing.

Megs:  Umm, should we answer it? 

Mar:  Not it! 

Megs:  What?!  They’re probably calling for you!

Mar:  Megs, this is your show.  I’m guessing it’s for you. 

Megs:  Hmm, that is strong logic.  Let’s just ignore it and see if it stops. 

Mar:  Sounds good to me. 

Megs:  Okay, umm, what were we talking about … 

Brrrrrring!  

Megs:  damn it! Why is it still ringing?!  I guess phone booths don’t have voicemail, huh?  Okay … umm … shakes her head … okay, tell me, what do you do when you’re not producing work for the fandom; what do you do for fun?

The phone stops ringing.

Mar:  Oh, the silence is wonderful, isn’t it?  Well, when I’m not writing for the fandom or interacting with other fans, I go to school. I’m currently finishing up the first year of my apprenticeship, to become a nursery school teacher/educator. The whole thing is super stressful, but it’s my dream to one day work with kids and teens. So I endure, haha!  

As for fun, You already know that I love writing and reading, of course. I also play a lot of video games, they have played a huge part in life since I was about seven years old. I also meet up with close friends, when I have the time. 

Megs: Speaking of writing - I totally got sidetracked by that damned-

Brrrrring!  The phone starts ringing again. 

Megs: looks down dejectedly - phone.  Ugh!  I hate phone calls.  How about you, Mar?

Mar:  Oh Megs, the truth is I’m a dork! I can interact with people under normal circumstances just fine, I am usually quite confident. But talking on the phone? Nope. Job interviews? Total nope. Flirting? Absolute no go. I’m a social disaster when it comes to that kind of stuff.  The phone is the worst. 

Megs:  Awh, well, you’re doing great on my show.  We would never have known any of that!  I’m guessing you told my producers about hating the phone and they decided all these phones would be funny because I also hate the phone.  I was really hoping you’d want to answer these phones ... but I guess our shared hatred that means it would be really mean of me to ask you to answer this phone then, huh? 

Mar:  In fact, it would be. 

Megs:  Hmm … well, I have an idea … 

Megs goes into the phone booth and picks up the receiver and then just drops it back on the base.    

Megs:  There we go - we can just say we got disconnected.  .  

Mar just laughs while Megs looks very smug and proud of herself. 

Megs:  So, let’s talk some more about writing.  What’s your favorite work that you have written?

Mar:  Mhhh, I actually think that changes every time I post something new! My more recent works are the ones I often enjoy the most, because I can see the improvements I made, I can see progress in my writing. People may have noticed that I write a lot of smut - which is also a favorite pastime for me. Something about writing it just tickles my fancy, I have so much fun doing it!

Megs:  What a healthy attitude!  Can you share with us your writing process? 

Mar:  To be honest, I don’t really have one. I write when inspiration strikes and when I feel up to it. When an idea excites me, it usually takes me a lot of time to get it done, because I want it to be just right. What I do need for writing is music that fits the topic of the fic though. If it’s something fluffy, I’ll listen to romantic songs. If it’s something smutty, I’ll listen to sexy songs. It helps me get into the right headspace for whatever I’m about to write.

Megs:  What advice do you have for other writers? Especially other fanfic writers? 

Mar:  Best advice I can give is not to think too hard about it. Just go with the flow, write what feels good. When the words won’t come, step away from your work and take a breather. Eat something. Do some sit-ups. Watch an episode of your favorite show. Just come back to it later, your inspiration will strike eventually.

Megs:  That is sage advice. 

Mar:  Now Megs, I have a question for you.  How and where did you get the idea for the interviews? I’ve never seen anything like this on tumblr!

Megs:  That’s a great question, Mar.  The idea was the brainchild of a group of people.  It started with me trying to find a way to add something to the fandom that didn’t involve me writing a fic.  At that time, I said I wasn’t a writer.  I read and I left reviews and that was as much writing as I was willing to do.  I was gaining followers though and I wanted to do something to give back to the fandom.  Through the help of people who are no longer with us, but also @maxattack-powell​, @lizeboredom​, and a few others, I learned that people were truly interested in learning more about each other but the connections could be hard to make.  I figured this was where I could help the fandom.  While I hate the phone, I love messaging people via text and I have no fear in messaging someone and asking questions.  If they don’t respond, that’s okay!  So I came up with a set of questions and wrote the first show as though I was just at a bar or something.  When people really enjoyed that, I came up with the idea of serializing the show and here we are!

And that’s the end of today’s show.  Mar, thank you so much for coming on today’s show.  To everyone in the audience, thank you for coming to today’s show!  I look forward to seeing you on our next show!!

The phone starts ringing again. 

Megs:  I bet that’s my producer calling to remind me that to say that tickets can be purchased online or over the phone.  Luckily for you, I won’t be the one answering the phones.  Because this is what that would look like:   

Megs gets up and this time she picks up the receiver and instead of putting it back on the base, she just lets the phone hang.  It swings back and forth.  

Megs takes Mar’s arm and together they walk off stage.  

~~~~~

And now for the tags.  I’m only tagging people who have specifically mentioned an interest in The MFackenthal Show.  If you want to be added to the tag list for these or removed, please let me know!

@hopefulmoonobject​ @queen-among-writers​, @hopelessromantic1352​, @lilyofchoices​, @msjpuddleduck​, @theroyalweisme​, @lady-kato

[soundofseventeen]

Chance Encounters Pt. 4 (Yoon Jeonghan)

Good morning!! I finished it!! Last night!!! This is going to have 8 parts, so we’re half way there! I might starting posting 1 a day for the last half now that it’s done, and because I know I’ve been torturing Haley with this and I don’t wanna make her suffer too long rip. Okay, part 4!! -Erin

Masterlist

You smiled at the text from Jeonghan on your phone, saying he just made it to your apartment and was on his way up. You weren’t totally sure why you were nervous about this… Wait, that’s not true. You knew exactly why you were nervous. An extremely attractive guy was coming over to watch dramas with you. An extremely attractive guy you found yourself falling for really quickly.

You had actually already seen him a couple times this week, all spur of the moment decisions. Once was when you were getting coffee and decided to send him a picture of it, with some caption about being able to walk through a cafe without dumping it on someone. You were startled when he and his friend, who he later introduced as Seokmin, were walking into the cafe as you made your way out, almost dumping it on him. You somehow ended up joining them for lunch, listening to them tell stories about each other and their other friends.  

Another was as you were starting to get ready to go to bed, when you got a text from him. He simply said he got out of work early and really wanted to go get something to eat, but none of his friends were up to go out. Making an impulse decision, you decided to go, and ended up finding some small little restaurant to eat at. You had so much fun during those couple hours with him, and then you started to realize that just maybe… You liked him as more than a friend. You also couldn’t get rid of the feeling that he maybe liked you too.

And now, he was on his way up to just sit and watch dramas with you. You didn’t realize you were just sitting in your thoughts until you jumped at the sound of knocking at the door. You smiled and went to open the door, revealing a smiling Jeonghan on the other side.

“Hi.” He said, and you stepped aside to let him in.

“Welcome. Ready to get very upset at characters?” You joked, and Jeonghan just raised an eyebrow.

“Always. What else would I ever be ready for?” He laughed, and you went and fell on your couch, Jeonghan following suit. You both curled up under separate blankets, and you pulled your laptop forward.

“Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to find this show on any of my apps, so we have to stream it.” You said, pulling up the website and going into your favorites.

“Wow, you watch a lot of dramas.” Jeonghan commented, and you smirked.

“Got a lot of time, I guess.” You muttered, continuing to scroll. “Ah! Here it is. Alright, you ready?” You looked at him, and he rolled his eyes.

“I already said yes. Start this infuriating show already.” He said, with a small smirk on his face. You turned back to your screen and hit play, leaning back into your couch as the show started.

The first episode went by with several questions from Jeonghan, mostly along the lines of “Who is that?”, “Are they important?”, “Why are they doing that?”, which were all followed by “Shh. Just watch.” You both sat in silence for most of the episodes you watched, only making noise when one of the characters made a stupid decision. Every couple minutes you would sneak a peek at Jeonghan, who whenever you looked would have his eyes trained on the screen. You were mildly irritated about the fact that he still managed to look that attractive even while sitting on your couch with a hoodie on. You did manage to continuously miss him doing the exact same thing to you when you were watching.

After a couple episodes, you looked over at him.

“Did you want something to eat?” You asked. Jeonghan shrugged, but almost on cue his stomach growled.

“Okay, maybe something wouldn’t be bad.” He said, and you laughed, getting up to grab some snacks from your kitchen. You came back with a couple options, seeing Jeonghan on his phone.

“I didn’t realize what time it was already. I can do one more episode?” He looked up at you, and you nodded.

“Okay, that’s fair.” You said, sitting back down. You wrapped your blanket around yourself, and handed Jeonghan his snack. “You like these, right?”

“Uh…” Jeonghan said, smiling to himself as he examined the container of cookies, mildly confused.

“Those are what you got last week right? I couldn’t remember which flavor you got, so I just went with original.” Jeonghan fully smiled now, remembering the cookies and how he ended up giving them to Chan.

“Um, yeah. I haven’t had this one, but it’s worth a shot.” He smiled, looking over at you. You felt your face getting rapidly warm, and quickly turned to press play on the episode, focusing your attention on the screen. This episode had you both completely silent. You barely noticed whenever Jeonghan adjusted how he was sitting, though it was harder to miss the fact that every time he did it, he was a little closer to you. You tried so hard to not look over at him, using literally all of your self control.

Eventually, the episode ended, and you sighed, closing your laptop.

“Okay, you need to tell me exactly when you’re getting home because I need to know what happens on this damn show.” Jeonghan said, breaking the silence and making you laugh.

“I’ll text you as soon as I’m back in the city.” You said, finally looking over at him. He had turned to look at you at the exact same time, and it suddenly dawned on you just how close you were to each other. Before you knew what was happening, you both started to lean in. You were so close to kissing him when his phone went off, making you both jump. You leaned back into your couch as he cleared his throat, answering the phone.

“Hello?... What?” He said. “What do you mean?... Wait seriously?... Now?” He sighed and glanced at you. “Yeah, okay. I’ll be back soon. Don’t let them kill each other.” He ended the call, turning to look at you again. “I have to go…”

“Okay.” You said, putting on a smile. “It’s late anyway and I have to leave pretty early tomorrow.” You quickly got up, trying to dissipate any tension in the room.

“So…” Jeonghan said, standing in your doorway. “I guess I’ll see you when you get back.” You nodded your head.

“Yep. Gotta finish the drama, at least.”

“At least.” He said, then turned to walk away. “Have a good weekend, Y/N.”

“You too.” You said, slowly shutting the door behind him. You put your forehead on it, letting out a groan. Why did you almost kiss him. Why did he almost kiss you? Why did the phone have to ring?

*

“Okay, what the hell is wrong.” Jeonghan said, walking back into the dorm.

“Mingyu and Hao had a fight, and now they’re both in separate rooms and won’t talk to each other. Seungkwan and Jun are trying to figure out what happened.” Wonwoo said, Chan nodding his head for confirmation.

“And you called me because...?”

“You’re good at stopping the fights. Please, it’s been hours, and Woozi wants to go to bed but he can’t get into his own room.” Jeonghan then spotted Jihoon, looking mildly irritated on the couch. He sighed, and rubbed his hands on his face.

“Alright. Let me handle this.” He said, making his way down the hallway.

[secretlyatargaryen]

July 2019 Reviews

Games

Walden, a game - A delightful experience for those who love games and literature and the idea of them together. The best parts of the game are the quotes from Thoreau's book that appear on the screen when you examine something closely, like a fox or a maple tree, complete with great voice acting. The ecological detail put into the game is impressive. The worst part is that the game mechanics for completing tasks are clunky and there is very little time each day before the game forces you to go to sleep and begin the next day, and your hunger, fuel, and shelter meter always seems to be low, causing you to spend the majority of your daylight hours picking berries and collecting firewood. I get that this is supposed to mirror the experience of "living simply," but 1) it is boringly repetitive and if anything calls to mind the irony of “being one with nature” in a computer game and 2) there are a lot of other interesting things to do in the game which you do not have enough time to do, such as helping escaped slaves on their way to the underground railroad. I learned playing this game that Henry David Thoreau was basically every guy I met in college who hated the government and whose solution to its atrocities was to fuck off into the woods and smoke pot instead of actually doing anything about it. This analogy is completed by the fact that you are able to go into town and get food and clean laundry from your parents' house if you get too low on those things.

Black Mirror (2017) - No, not the Netflix series. This is a re-imagining of the Black Mirror series of adventure games developed in the early 2000s. The original game is considered a classic of point and click adventures but suffers from an unoriginal plot (obligatory part where I once again complain about horror games and their obsession with "Surprise! You're crazy! Dead women!") and the unfortunateness of early 3D polygon graphics. The second and third game took the series in a completely new and original direction and were quite good, so while I had never heard of the remake before I came across it during the steam summer sale, I was cautiously hopeful. Even if it was trash, it's just the kind of gothic-mystery-exploring-a-haunted-castle trash that I like to throw my money at. The gameplay is pretty fun (minus some quick time events where you can get killed by ghosts mostly by failing to operate the somewhat clunky controls - the game was originally ported for PS4) and the story is original but also expands upon the series mythos. An enjoyable trashy gothic yarn, although the story also felt incomplete, even to someone who has played the original games, and was both wrapped up too quickly and left weirdly unresolved.

Books

Greenglass House, Kate Milford - I started this book a while ago and it’s been on my radar for a while, and I restarted it again when I heard it was going to be on this year’s BOB list. A fun young adult adventure story which utilizes one of my favorite mystery tropes, the closed circle. The story is that preteen Milo lives in the eponymous house, which his family runs as an inn. The house used to be a meeting place for smugglers back in the day, which means there’s buried treasure somewhere in the house, and when the story starts a slew of guests arrive at the house and are stranded by a snowstorm, when things start getting mysterious. Someone in the house is a thief! I really like this book and the way that the story’s original folklore is woven into the plot. There are also several dungeons and dragons elements that play a role in the plot - to solve the mystery, Milo and his friend Meddy pretend to be characters in a role-playing game, and I love the way the story makes connections between games, stories, and language, since that happens to align with my interests.

Serafina and the Black Cloak, Robert Beatty - Another BOB book, this one also has been on my radar for a while because the series is very popular among my students, and when I went to Beatty’s website recently I saw that Disney had already put their name on it, lol. What I didn’t know was that the series takes place in my state. The setting is the Biltmore Estate in the late 1800s, and the story is a historical fantasy that utilizes some of the local folklore in some really interesting ways, although it’s more fantasy than historical. An enjoyable read with an interesting female protagonist.

Movies

Ready Player One - I enjoyed this movie a lot more than I thought I would. I had heard going into it that it was not a great adaptation from friends who loved the book, which I haven’t read. That might be why I did enjoyed it so much. I don’t think it’s anything that memorable, but it is enjoyable. I can see why the book became so popular, although I’ve read books with similar storylines. I guess a book like this is more relevant nowadays with the popularity of VR in the modern gaming market, but the story relied on some tired cliches nonetheless. I also was a bit annoyed when the story acknowledged the issue with the main character falling for Artemis’ idealistically beautiful avatar without really knowing her...and then had her turn out to be stunningly gorgeous in real life. Okay, she had a wine-stain disfigurement on her face, but she was still traditionally beautiful, and the main character gets to be with her in the end while meanwhile, his actual best friend, who turns out to be an unfeminine black girl in real life and who obviously has a crush on him, is left behind.

Picnic At Hanging Rock - I come across this movie on gothic film recommendation lists every so often and have wanted to watch it for years, and I happened to find it on youtube, which surprised me. The original movie is from 1975 and is a cult classic for a reason. Stunning visuals and a story that leaves you confused in the just the right way. After watching it, I was itching to learn more and came across last year’s amazon prime series with Natalie Dormer and watched all six episodes, and although the series was enjoyable and a good extension for anyone who enjoys the original movie, it does not have the charm or brilliance of the original. The series expands on the story, but part of the beauty of the original movie is the way the story is told in what isn’t said, and in carefully choreographed scenes where nobody on screen says a word. I can see why the movie is called “gothic” as it has some of the trappings of the genre. It takes place in 1900 at a remote and mysterious boarding school in Australia. Three girls vanish during a school field trip, seemingly without a trace. What happened to them may have been supernatural. Or they may have been murdered, kidnapped, or run off on their own. Also, I’m pretty sure everyone is gay.

We Have Always Lived in the Castle - I’m a huge fan of the Shirley Jackson novel which this movie is an adaptation of, and unlike Netflix’s The Haunting of Hill House, this movie is actually a fairly straight adaptation of the novel. The movie captures the gothic feel of the book as well as the anxiety about gender and class from which it gets its themes, and there are solid performances all around, but the movie does seem a bit devoid of a life of its own. Despite, and possibly because of, the voice-over narration, Merricat never really comes alive as a character the way she does in the book. This is, I think, a problem with a lot of book to movie adaptations that rely on voice-overs to tell the story. I can see the appeal of this, especially with a book like this which is both heavily steeped in POV and characterized by an unreliable narrator, but I found myself really wishing the movie would just let itself tell the story rather than the narrator.

Shows

American Gods - I watched all of season two on the starz website except for the finale, which I was told that I needed to upgrade by account to watch, so if you are watching on the website or the app be aware of that. I enjoyed season two, although it lacked some of the urgency of the first season. I do enjoy some of the adaptational choices made that update the novel a bit, such as having Technology be outsourced by New Media. Also, season two saw the arrival of my daughter, Sam Black Crow. I’m also looking forward to the Lakeside subplot next season (I assume) as it’s my favorite part of the novel.

Stranger Things - I watched the first four episodes of season one when it came out, and then for some reason never finished it. I know, I know. It didn’t take me very long to watch all three seasons, which I sort of interpreted as one as a result, although I do think there’s a drop in quality somewhere in the second/third season, but overall it’s a fun show that definitely kept me interested and invested in the characters. Also, every scene relating to the upside down motivated me to clean my bathroom.

[jehanimation]

The Jehanimation Awards: separating the best of 2016′s animated movies from the rest

Between all the political turmoil, the near-relentless stream of high-profile deaths and the release of Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, it has been widely accepted that 2016 was A Bad Year. As a member of the human race, last year probably was a bit of a disappointment in most respects; look at it as an animation enthusiast, though, and the picture starts to look quite a bit rosier.

In fact, I’m going to go a step farther than that and call 2016 one of the best years for feature animation in recent memory - which is saying a lot given how much the bar has been raised since the 1990s. Since the advent of CGI tore up the rulebook and made it easier for newer studios to compete with Disney on an equal footing, it’s felt like we’ve been constantly on the cusp of a new, more diverse landscape for mainstream animation, allowing a wider range of studios and directors to present wildly different visions in a competitive marketplace, rather than a single company monotonously ruling the roost. Obviously, the conservative and formula-driven nature of the business has meant that potential hasn’t always been realised, but in 2016 we got a glimpse of how that theoretical vision would play out in reality - and it was a pretty exciting thing to behold. I can’t think of many previous years in which so many companies - from the US and elsewhere - were able to produce such a broad spread of high-quality movies for different audiences, resulting in a glut of animated movies occupying the top spots in not only the worldwide box office rankings, but also in lists of the best-reviewed films of the year.

Faced with such an embarrassment of riches, it feels difficult and somewhat reductive to pit them against each other and pick out a small handful as being the best - but that’s just what we do around this time of year anyway, so who am I to argue? Still, my intention here is not to add to the somewhat adversarial sentiments that awards season can sometimes generate; this is simply my personal evaluation of all the new animated movies I got to see in 2016, with my favourites highlighted. Your own mileage will, of course, vary, because such variety is the spice of life; with that said, I’m pretty sure this list is 100% objectively correct, so I’ve no idea why you’d disagree.

Immense thanks go to the wonderful Jamie Carr for the header image and icon for this blog! Go follow her on Twitter at @neurodolphin!

THE NOTABLE OMISSIONS

Before I get into evaluating the best of 2016’s crop, I should probably acknowledge that, contrary to assumption, I am not omniscient, and was therefore unable to see every animated movie that came out last year. There are upsides to this, as it means I missed out on having to watch bargain-bin garbage like Norm of the North or Robinson Crusoe (aka The Wild Life), and was able to judiciously pass on higher-profile but poorly-reviewed efforts like Blue Sky’s Ice Age: Collision Course and Rainmaker Entertainment’s Ratchet & Clank; unfortunately, it also meant not getting to see most of the less widely-screened animated movies from overseas, which is a great shame. I haven’t, for example, been able to see The Red Turtle or My Life as a Zucchini - two of the five nominations for this year’s Best Animated Feature Oscar - nor did I catch the well-reviewed French-Canadian production Ballerina (known in the US as Leap!). I also freely confess to being underexposed to anime, meaning I didn’t see anything from Japan this year - with one important exception, which I’ll come to later. I’ll certainly hope to correct some of these oversights at a later date.

THE ALSO-RANS

The following movies are the films that - for one reason or another - didn’t quite connect with me this year. Some are better than others, but to some degree or another I wouldn’t say they succeeded at what they set out to do.

The Angry Birds Movie

This was probably the weakest animated film I saw last year, which - given its essentially functional mediocrity - reflects pretty well on 2016’s lineup as a whole, even though it doesn’t retroactively make The Angry Birds Movie any more impressive.

I’ve already written a complete review of this film, so I don’t want to waste too much additional time on this one, but looking back I do find it striking just how middling this film was, especially when viewed in the context of everything else that came out after it. It remains deeply frustrating that The Angry Birds Movie actually did a lot of the groundwork necessary to produce a better-than-expected adaptation of a plotless physics-based puzzle game - devising a striking look, hiring great actors and laying the foundation for a potentially interesting thematic discussion on the role of anger in a healthy society - before totally squandering that potential on a script that favours lightweight, rambling and puerile comedy over any opportunity to advance the characters or emotional stakes. It’s a film that lazily follows a bog-standard Shrek-lite formula of cheap pop culture gags, toilet humour and sitcom punchlines, seemingly without realising that said playbook is now several years out of date - which, I suppose, is somewhat fitting for a belated spinoff to a mobile app whose popularity peaked about five years ago.

As I say, there are aspects of The Angry Birds Movie that are slightly better than they needed to be - and I’m willing to accept that it’s not easy to reverse-engineer a script that culminates in birds launching themselves into a pig’s castle via catapult - but I feel less charitable towards it in hindsight having since seen DreamWorks’ Trolls, another brand-derived movie that applied infinitely more honest craft and creativity to its subject matter, and achieved exponentially superior results as a consequence. The fact that Angry Birds was able to utilise its stronger brand recognition and well-timed release window to ultimately outgross Trolls on a worldwide basis just emphasises the point that this isn’t a film in need of my charity, or one worth holding up for any reason other than as an example of the kind of lazy work the rest of the industry has long moved beyond.

The Secret Life of Pets

2016 was a banner year for Illumination Entertainment, as the studio not only made the jump to releasing two films within 12 months for the first time ever, but was also able to turn both into bona fide global smash hits without any reliance on their flagship Despicable Me/Minions franchise. The Secret Life of Pets was the more conventional of the two outings, with its higher box office takings showcasing the strength of the Illumination brand as it exists today; however, the film itself also offers an equally sharp insight into the how much room the studio has to grow.

As I alluded to in my recent post about Illumination, there’s a lot to admire in The Secret Life of Pets, and its great success is no mystery to me. It leans heavily on many of the studio’s established strengths, including a flair for kinetic caricature and imaginative physical comedy, and its bright visual style and design work meant it played a significant role in a broader reawakening of the general public’s love affair with talking animal movies. However, it’s also an unintentional showcase of Illumination at its weakest, particularly in its willingness to foreground shallow slapstick over meaningful story development, and its allergic reluctance to challenge the audience emotionally. That the film’s plot is essentially a beat-for-beat pet-oriented remake of the original Toy Story invites comparisons that do not flatter Illumination’s movie, as The Secret Life of Pets is an infinitely shallower film that passes up several golden opportunities to give its characters proper dimension, resulting in an experience that’s basically sweet-natured and inoffensive, but never comes close to making a lasting impression.

With $875 million grossed worldwide, The Secret Life of Pets was undoubtedly one of the year’s biggest success stories, and represents the start of a franchise with considerable potential mileage; however, the series will require a significant injection of depth, pathos and substance if the resulting series is ever going to be able to aspire to anything more than a vehicle for the episodic and rote delivery of middlebrow gags with a bare minimum of investment.

Kubo and the Two Strings

A passion project by Laika Entertainment’s president and CEO (and sadly forgotten rap legend) Travis Knight, Kubo and the Two Strings didn’t do huge business at the box office, but it’s quickly emerged as one of the critical darlings of the year, and a major awards contender. While I love pretty much everything this hugely admirable piece of work represents, I can’t quite bring myself to extend the same feeling to the film itself as a piece of storytelling.

In fact, I’d probably rate Kubo and the Two Strings as one of the bigger disappointments I experienced last year, which is a real bummer, as I have a deep and unbroken fondness for Laika’s work, dating back to their days in their previous incarnation as Will Vinton Studios. Kubo is in most respects their most ambitious film yet, blending their traditional focus on emotional intimacy and dark atmospherics with an epic fantasy sweep. When it works, it’s absolutely magnificent - their stop motion animation and design work has now evolved to the point where it almost looks indistinguishable from CGI at times, and their grasp of subtle melancholy is as peerless - but there’s a shakiness to the story’s fundamentals that I’m unused to seeing from a studio as famed for their attention to detail as Laika are. The tone lurches wildly from tearjerking grimness to flippant buddy comedy and back again; the actual quest narrative is irritatingly coincidence-driven and never more than vaguely explained, giving the audience little scope to share the journey of discovery; and most damagingly, the script doesn’t seem to know what it wants the lead characters of Monkey and Beetle, setting them up as jovially bickering sidekicks before saddling them with dramatically pivotal backstories that feel overly on-the-nose and don’t mesh with their personalities at all. The result is a film to which I gradually lost my emotional connection as it progressed, which is pretty fatal for a story that ends as intimately as this one does.

Add to that some questionable decisions regarding casting - I won’t harp on this too much, but I will say that it’s weird for a film this conscious about authenticity and tone to pass up the benefits that an Asian cast would provide in that regard, and that none of the actual cast give such indelible performances that they couldn’t have been swapped out - and you get a film ranks as my least favourite Laika movie to date. Admittedly, it’s a difficult category in which to compete, but it’s still a shame not to be able to join in the general chorus of appreciation surrounding a film that generally reflects so much of what I love about animation. I still thoroughly appreciate Laika’s work in almost single-handedly propping up the medium of stop-motion through sheer passion and bloody-mindedness, but for me the narrative elements of Kubo and the Two Strings got away from them - and when you’re making a film specifically designed to celebrate the power of storytelling, that creates a hole in the middle of the movie that no amount of technical splendour can fill.

Finding Dory

The top-grossing animated movie of the year, Pixar’s Finding Dory was always going to be a commercial slam-dunk, given the special place its predecessor Finding Nemo holds in the hearts of many; the big question was whether it was going to be able to measure up to the first movie’s legacy in terms of filmmaking. The answer? Ehhh.

That’s certainly not due to a lack of effort, of course; as I’ve touched upon in my previous post concerning this movie, Finding Dory is not a phoned-in sequel, and you can tell that returning director Andrew Stanton has put thought and consideration into how to expand the self-contained story of Finding Nemo outwards in a way that feels organic. The resulting development of the character of Dory - a mentally impaired protagonist seeking to make peace not only with her own past, but also with herself and the way her condition affects her - is rich with emotional pathos and feels like a natural continuation of Finding Nemo’s key themes, as well as forming a meaningful statement on disability in its own right.

Beyond the oasis of that central storyline, however, Finding Dory enters choppier waters. Dory’s journey may be significant in emotional terms, but dramatically it feels small, with the epic, sweeping journey of the first movie swapped for a claustrophobic single-location setting for the majority of the sequel. That reduced sense of scale isn’t helped by the flimsiness of the supporting cast, populated by half-formed ideas like Hank the octopus (who feels like he has a character-defining backstory lying on a cutting room floor somewhere) or one-note gag characters like Destiny, Bailey, Rudder and Fluke (who never come close to being properly developed). Worst of all, Finding Nemo’s protagonist Marlin is purely along for the ride this time, with very little to do other than complain in a way that becomes grating and unentertaining fairly rapidly. The result is a two-hander where one hand is significantly more developed than the other, which - as Nemo himself would tell you - makes it much harder for Finding Dory to swim in the smooth, straight lines you’d expect from a Pixar film.

That said, I’m not sure exactly what I expect from a Pixar film these days. Finding Dory is far from a bad movie, but it’s a pedestrian effort from a studio that seemed to effortlessly maintain a much higher orbit before the turn of the decade. Finding Dory owes a lot of its success to goodwill left over from those peak years, but the lack of love the movie has received on the awards circuit suggests that at least some of that is starting to run dry. There’s a Dory-style lesson to be learned there: old memories aren’t enough to sustain you forever - you have to be able to form new ones, too.

THE RECOMMENDATIONS

The following movies are the films I saw that didn’t quite make my best-of list, but nevertheless worked well enough to make a positive impression. These aren’t the year’s best animated movies - but they are good ones.

Storks

Storks seemed to come and go without anyone really noticing it happened. I myself missed it at the cinema, and catching up with it many months later, I can sort of understand why; it’s a thoroughly odd duck that doesn’t quite fit with any preconceived notion of what an animated feature would look, sound or play like. The aesthetic splits the difference between big-screen polish and Cartoon Network stylisation; the tone wants to be manic, but grounded; flippant, yet also heartfelt; rambling, but wholly plot-driven.

You know what? For all that, I rather enjoyed Storks, although I’m not sure I’d call it a completely functional film. The first animated movie from live-action comedy director Nicholas Stoller (Forgetting Sarah Marshall, Neighbors) is a relentlessly high-energy experience that is inevitably irritating and wearying at times, but feels full of a certain kid-in-a-candy-store enthusiasm for the boundless absurdist possibilities that animation can provide; it is also a movie that understands the importance of having a heart, and keeps it beating in the right place. Ultimately, Storks doesn’t have anything more profound to say than “babies are nice, and finding your family is great”, but it’s sincere about the way it says it, whether that’s through the oddly charming quasi-romantic chemistry between the avian middle manager Junior and scatterbrained teenage orphan Tulip, or through the engaging B-plot of a young boy reconnecting with his workaholic parents as they wait for delivery of a new baby brother. It’s also an understatedly progressive movie in a couple of ways - it’s nice to focus on a mixed-gender comedic pairing where the female member gets to be the zany one for a change, and you even get some pleasantly matter-of-fact representation of LGBT parent couples thrown in towards the end for good measure, albeit in blink-and-you’ll-miss-it fashion.

That said, this is also an incredibly ramshackle piece of work, full of non-sequitur narrative detours and extended joke sequences that don’t really land - antagonist Toady, an obnoxious business-bro pigeon, feels like an out-of-control SNL skit in place of an actual character, for example. That’s a weakness that cuts across many parts of the film, in fact; Stoller gives the script more of a mannered, improvisational feel than is strictly good for it, resulting in a whole lot of gag lines that feel purely like punchlines crafted by a writer, rather than effective expressions of character. Nevertheless, on balance, I’m happy that the revamped Warner Animation Group are using their post-The Lego Movie relaunch to establish a distinct identity for themselves, rather than going down the me-too route of their Quest for Camelot days; I think it’s even better that their chosen identity is one that tries to honour the company’s offbeat Looney Tunes legacy, as that’s a style we don’t see often enough in the modern feature animation landscape. Clearly, we’re going to be getting a lot of Lego spinoffs and sequels that uphold a Phil Lord/Chris Miller-flavoured variation of that approach, but that type of comedy is good for more than just endless Lego movies - and so are Warner Bros. In that respect, I’d like for Storks to be the beginning of a more diversified lineup from Warner Bros, not the end, which is why this imperfect little movie just about edged its way into my recommendations category; the quality isn’t always there, but the right spirit is there in spades.

Kung Fu Panda 3

In another year, Kung Fu Panda 3 would have been a much bigger deal than it ended up being. It was a very good animated movie in a year full of them, a talking animal film coming out just as the genre suddenly became ubiquitous, and a high-quality sequel to a franchise that had probably been away from the big screen a few years too long for audiences to still be invested. Heck, even in China - the market where this US-Chinese co-production was clearly ordained to sweep aside all comers - this belated threequel had its thunder stolen, reigning briefly as the region’s highest-grossing animated movie ever before the breakout success of Disney’s Zootopia took the title away after only one month.

All of that is a bit of a shame, because - as I’ve mentioned - Kung Fu Panda 3 is a very good movie, even if it is unquestionably the weakest instalment in the trilogy. It lacks the energetic freshness of the 2008 original and the impressive emotional scope of 2011’s Kung Fu Panda 2, the bracing darkness of which Kung Fu Panda 3 largely backs away from in favour of something a bit cosier and smaller-scale. In that respect, this is very much the Return of the Jedi of this series, with all that entails - right down to being set in a hidden village of cuddly bears - but none of that makes it anything like a bad film. For one thing, it’s absolutely beautiful to look at - one of the most aesthetically gorgeous pieces of animation I’ve seen for a while, with vivid colours, stylised action, stunning 2D sequences and masterful incorporation of the look of Chinese paintings into its visual style. That respectfulness goes beyond the visual elements, though; the first Kung Fu Panda may have been a watershed movie for DreamWorks in adopting a tone of loving pastiche rather than broad spoof, but the sequels have been so reverential to the genre and culture that inspired them that you almost wish they’d dropped the comedy focus altogether and pivoted the series in the direction of full-on anthropomorphic wuxia adventure, with a tone closer to the How to Train Your Dragon movies.

Still, what we’ve got from Kung Fu Panda is pretty great, thanks not only to their embrace of the excitement and philosophies of martial arts cinema, but also to their commitment to strong characterisation of their key players. Po the panda remains a delightful creation, with Jack Black consistently finding and underplaying the notes of earthy wisdom and spiritual growth in a character who could easily have come across as 100% fanboy goofball, and his relationship with the elderly goose Mr Ping - voiced with wonderful warmth and eccentricity by the brilliant James Hong - remains one of the most oddly affecting father-son relationships in animated cinema. The addition of Po’s birth father Li Shan (Bryan Cranston) to that dynamic in Kung Fu Panda 3 is handled maturely, in a way that celebrates unconventional family structures, and that emotional throughline works in tandem with the spiritual concepts of the story to provide a strong foundation. In truth, there’s not all that much going on beyond that, other than colourful action setpieces - once again the supporting cast, including Po’s brothers-in-arms the Furious Five, are left frustratingly underused and underdeveloped - leaving Kung Fu Panda 3 feeling like the slightest entry in the series; nevertheless, it’s still a satisfying, funny adventure that brings the series to a fitting thematic conclusion. In truth, Kung Fu Panda probably is a series whose time has passed; if that’s the case, I’m glad it got to impart a few more words of wisdom before moving on.

Sing

The second and less conventional of Illumination Entertainment’s 2016 efforts, the musical extravaganza Sing may have been the lower-grossing and slightly less well-reviewed of the two outings, but for my money it outdoes The Secret Life of Pets on every level creatively - to the point where I’m wondering if everyone else saw these two movies the wrong way around.

When I call Sing “unconventional”, I’m not really talking about its approach to genre and storytelling, because frankly it really couldn’t be any more conventional in those respects. This is a big, broad, goofy, follow-your-dreams jukebox musical that garnishes the X Factor/American Idol template with a sprig of Muppets-style save-the-theatre backstage drama - you know, in case the overstuffed ensemble cast didn’t already have enough underdogs to root for. Said ensemble, which includes a shy teen elephant with an angel’s voice, an overworked mother pig with dreams of stardom, a young gorilla seeking to escape a life of crime and a punk rock porcupine breaking away from her controlling jerk boyfriend, is packed to bursting with character arcs that you’ll be able to predict with perfect accuracy the moment they begin - or perhaps even before then, if you’ve seen any of the too-numerous trailers for Sing that essentially summarise the entire story beat for beat.

But when judging a movie like this, it’s important to remember that cliche is not inherently a sin - a familiar recipe can still taste fabulous when the ingredients are prepared with care and attention, and so it proves with Sing, a movie that’s made with infinitely more sincerity and ambition than it’s been given credit for. It feels good to be able to praise an Illumination movie for those qualities, and that’s where the “unconventional” aspect comes into play, as this is a film that has clearly benefited from the studio searching outside its usual creative talent pool and taking a punt on Garth Jennings, the likeable British filmmaker responsible for The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy and Son of Rambow. A prolific director of music videos, Jennings is clearly someone with a passion for music that saturates Sing, turning what could have been an empty exercise in celebrity animal karaoke into a genuine celebration of the restorative power of music. That earnestness also bleeds into the characterisation, which - for as formulaic as it unarguably is - is written and performed with enough heart-on-sleeve honesty to paper over many more cracks than Sing actually has. Sure, there are times where it feels like the sheer multitude of characters means certain moments don’t get the focus they need, and there are certainly notes and song choices - particularly the use of Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah” during a moment of sombre redemption - that will be too on-the-nose for even the most wide-eyed audience member, but beyond that there’s really nothing wrong with this movie at all, to the extent that I’m a little confused every time I see a bad review of it. It’s certainly not perfect, but it’s assembled with such professionalism and such a conscious eagerness to make you happy - especially during its barnstorming, impossibly fleet-footed finale - that it seems churlish to refuse.

Despite what I perceived to be a relative lack of appreciation of its full merits, I’m happy to see that this film did well for itself, and I hope it encourages Illumination to make more movies with this kind of heart behind it. Sing’s emotional stakes may be somewhat prosaic, but they’re big and bold and dominant in a way that prior Illumination movies, with their focus on slapstick silliness, have seemed shy about embracing. In a previous post, I lamented the studio’s inability to produce a truly classic movie up until this point, and expressed a hope that Sing might be a step along the right path; in that respect, it delivered. Sing may not be the first great Illumination movie, but if they keep going in this direction, they may just get there.

THE BEST OF THE YEAR

In descending order, these are my top five animated movies of the year. They may be very different films operating and succeeding on different levels, but in my view these are the films that really encapsulated all the facets of what I love about animated cinema, and exemplify the form’s boundless versatility.

5. Sausage Party

In film criticism, originality is often taken to be a cardinal virtue; we mark films down for adhering to weathered formulas or archetypes, and give credit for the ones that do things we haven’t seen before. When Sausage Party was released last year to rock-solid reviews, many were shocked, but really, they ought not have been that surprised - after all, it’s not often that we get to see what a truly original movie looks like.

On paper, Sausage Party seems transgressive without being all that groundbreaking; after all, we’ve seen crude animated movies for adult audiences before, from Fritz the Cat through to the works of Trey Parker and Matt Stone, but there’s something about the way Sausage Party was positioned that made it unique - sure, it was made for a mere $19 million, but this was that rare R-rated animated film that was ordained to compete in the big leagues, rather than breaking out from some underground niche. US-produced adult animations usually accept their status as esoteric oddities, embracing unfashionable visual styles and anti-mainstream sensibilities; Sausage Party rejects that, using modern tools and an aesthetic that credibly approximates the familiar look of its Disney/Pixar contemporaries to mark itself as a film designed to be seen and embraced by the biggest possible audience. Regardless of what you might think of the film itself, the manner of Sausage Party’s release was trailblazing - the first proper attempt by a studio in years to break American adult animation out of its enthusiasts-only ghetto and show that cartoons for older audiences can be appeal on the same level as a live-action movie of the same genre. That Sausage Party went on to gross of nearly $100 million in the US should be seen a massive win for the medium, and will hopefully embolden the industry to further experiment with the kinds of animated stories and visions they’re willing to bankroll in future.

Of course, this victory would feel tainted if Sausage Party had turned out to be exploitative trash, but watching the final film, even hardcore Sausage-sceptics would have to admit it’s a movie that embraces substantive ideas and commits to them, hard. Your mileage is likely to depend on how well you click with the sensibilities of Seth Rogen and Evan Goldberg (Superbad, This is the End, The Interview), who’ve made a career on exploring challenging concepts in unabashedly juvenile terms, because this movie represents the apotheosis of their operating model to date; taking the Pixar template of “what if X had feelings?” to its most lurid conclusion, Sausage Party is a deceptively literate spiritual odyssey that confronts sentient food items with the brutal reality of what they were created for, sending them spiralling into existential crisis and surreal voyages of self-actualisation. As a deconstruction and critique of religious thought, it’s intelligent in a number of ways, opting against abrasive confrontationalism in favour of a humanist, pluralist conclusion that encourages people to reject the limits that society places on them and be their authentic selves in a non-judgemental fashion; what’s just as impressive is the way it’s able to explore this essentially benign, moderate message in such relentlessly coarse, taboo-shattering terms, without feeling like it’s working at crossed purposes with itself. This is a film with legitimately interesting things to say about the evils of dogma, the need for respectful discourse, the importance of actualising your sexual identity and the destructiveness of identity-based conflict - and does so almost entirely through the medium of cartoon violence and dick jokes. All of this builds to a jaw-dropping third act of insanely violent, sexualised excess that’s honestly unlike anything I’ve ever seen in a mainstream movie - and yet somehow still feels reverent enough to the spirit of Toy Story that its credentials as a legitimate entry in the same animated adventure genre remain unbroken.

I’m ardent in my admiration for what Sausage Party represents, and I say that with full acceptance of its problems. Its gleeful indulgence of ethnic stereotyping, for example, doesn’t really pay off with a satirical point clever enough to justify it all, while the sheer crudeness of the film - the villain is literally an anthropomorphic douche - is likely to stop a lot of people from connecting. I also need to give acknowledgement to the widespread stories of mistreatment and exploitation of the animation team by production company Nitrogen Studios and co-director Greg Tiernan, which puts that thrifty $19 million budget in a different light; that can’t really be excused, but it also doesn’t invalidate the fact that the resulting film is a valuable, singular piece of pop art that’s worth much more than the sum of its parts. It’s up to you to decide whether knowing how the sausage was made is enough to put you off; all I’m saying is that it’s worth trying, because Sausage Party is both tastier and more nutritious than you might expect.

4. Trolls

One of the main reasons why 2016 ended up such a good year for animation is that, due to some strange quirk of scheduling, many of the major studios ended up releasing two films during the year. I’ve covered Illumination’s pair already, and I’ll be coming to Disney’s duo momentarily; for now, I want to give some much-needed kudos to the oft-criticised DreamWorks, who not only turned out a fine Kung Fu Panda sequel, but also somehow elevated a reboot of the Trolls toy franchise from cultural detritus into a genuinely joyous moviegoing experiences.

I expounded at length quite recently about the many virtues of Mike Mitchell and Walt Dohrn’s cuddly little movie, so I won’t add too much here, other than to say that my admiration for a film that still stands out as a surprise of the most pleasant variety hasn’t dimmed. There’s always a special kind of joy that comes with being blindsided by a great film that comes out of nowhere, and Trolls is the very definition of that: the concept sounded terrible, the early marketing was appalling, and yet the final film is confident, earnest, visually beguiling and bursting with an infectiously guileless goodwill that’s much harder to evoke in a sincere way than Trolls makes it look. Indeed, in a world where Sony Pictures Animation continues to struggle to strike the right tone with its various adaptations of the esteemed Smurfs franchise, DreamWorks deserves applause for nailing the right mix of sweetness and spice on the first attempt at what’s essentially the same concept. That’s not to say Trolls is wholly derivative, though; if the “happy forest friends” setup isn’t exactly groundbreaking, there’s ambition to its lightly-sketched philosophical exploration of the spiritual origins of happiness, while its sharp humour and aesthetic exuberance ensure it never forgets to make you feel the emotion it’s examining. If there’s one lingering disappointment, it’s that more people didn’t notice exactly how impressive this fluffy and genuinely uplifting jukebox musical turned out to be; with its theatrical run topping out at a solid but unspectacular $339.5 million worldwide, Trolls remains one of 2016’s better-kept secrets, a movie that seemed to pass most people by. That’s an unfortunate outcome for a film that I’m willing to list among the best animations of the year, but it does at least preserve its status as a surprise package waiting to be opened, shared and discovered by more people.

I hope, too, that DreamWorks take solace and pride in the quality of the work they put out in 2016. Both Kung Fu Panda 3 and Trolls both ended up as modest rather than overwhelming commercial successes, but there was a solidity and assuredness to both movies that the studio hasn’t always found easy to come by; these are qualities that will serve the company well as it prepares for life under the new ownership of Universal. Of course, DreamWorks will always be DreamWorks, and maybe inconsistency is baked into their DNA: the fact they’re following up such a strong 2016 with a 2017 slate consisting of The Boss Baby and Captain Underpants: The First Epic Movie seems like a testament to that. But hey, this time last year I was busy writing off Trolls, so what the hell do I know?

3. Moana

It’s weird for me to think about this, but most people born after about 1990 or so probably don’t actually remember a time when Disney were the undisputed kings of feature animation. Ever since Pixar released Toy Story in 1995, they’ve ceased to be the only game in town, and there were times during the mid-2000s when they looked to be drifting into irrelevance; since then, however, they’ve come roaring back, and I feel as though 2016 will be seen in years to come as a point where Walt Disney Animation Studios really reasserted their dominance, even more so than their historic success with Frozen in 2013. I’ve praised Illumination and DreamWorks for the impressive feat of releasing two good movies in the same year, but that pales in comparison to Disney, whose achievement in releasing two potential all-time classics within eight months is little short of a miracle.

Due to its choice of genre, Moana was probably seen as the safe option out of the two movies, but anyone who’s seen it will know that writing it off as just another Disney princess musical is doing the film a massively reductive disservice. Veteran directors Ron Clements and John Musker’s (The Little Mermaid, Aladdin, The Princess and the Frog) first CGI movie feels like a substantial and welcome reinvention not just of their filmmaking approach, but of the “princess movie” template in general. This is a formula that Disney have been committed to tinkering with since the 1990s Disney Renaissance era, but never to such a root-and-branch degree as Moana, which takes only the most essential components of the template - to paraphrase the script itself, the fact that its protagonist “is the daughter of a chief, wears a dress and has an animal sidekick” - and builds a rousingly individualistic seafaring action-adventure with a refreshing perspective. It’s not just the fact that Moana feels different from her predecessors, with her Polynesian origins and stockier build, it’s that she functions differently; unlike any other Disney princess, she’s a swashbuckling hero first and foremost, embarking on a world-saving quest through active choice, rather than stumbling into one as a byproduct of some mission of family duty. On that foundation, Musker and Clements build a film that consistently zags where other Disney movies zig. This is an action-adventure that’s basically without a true villain; where the male lead, the blustering demigod Maui, remains strictly a supporting player, with no hint of unnecessary romantic intrigue; where the main animal sidekick is a scraggly idiot rooster that actively hinders the quest, while the cute, marketable pig stays home.

Of course, different isn’t necessarily better, but it certainly feels like a value-added bonus when your film is already as good as Moana is. Technically, it’s one of Disney’s most accomplished efforts, with astounding water effects and a beautiful oceanic palette, and it benefits from the same sparky dialogue and buddy-comedy chemistry between its leads that’s become a Disney trademark. Musker and Clements seem to have made progress on overcoming the somewhat episodic feel of their previous movies, with more of a sense of coherent driving momentum pushing forward the story, and they’ve certainly come on leaps and bounds in terms of cultural authenticity since the days of, say, Aladdin, with the Pacific Island setting treated with great respect in aesthetic, spiritual and casting terms. Then, of course, there’s Lin-Manuel Miranda, Opetaia Foa’i and Mark Mancina’s compositionally intricate and effortlessly catchy soundtrack, which is probably the finest from Disney since The Lion King - and hell, even The Lion King didn’t have a glam rock David Bowie style parody sung by a giant kleptomaniac crab, so maybe Moana has even that one beaten. It’s not all perfect, though; much as I loved the film, it does have a few pacing problems; the story spends an unusually long time getting Moana to leave her home island of Motunui, only to occasionally feel becalmed once the journey actually gets underway. The open ocean is an evocative setting, but it can also get pretty repetitive, and there are points in Moana where you start to miss the broader ensemble cast and diverse backdrops that we might have gotten if not for all the lonely, endless blue.

None of that was enough to prevent Moana from becoming one of the best and biggest animated movies of the year - though you get the sense that some pundits were expecting a bit more commercially from Disney’s first big princess musical since Frozen. It’s true that Moana’s solid $575 million-and-counting worldwide total doesn’t bear comparison to Frozen’s record-setting $1.27 billion - but then, when you think about it, Moana didn’t really turn out to be all that comparable to Frozen anyway. It’s possible that Moana reinvented so much about what makes a princess movie that it no longer registered as being one in the eyes of the audience - or perhaps it was never really a princess movie in the first place, and scored its own success on its own terms. Princess or not, she is Moana, and that’s good enough for me.

2. Your Name (Kimi no Na wa)

As I mentioned before, I have an unfortunate blind spot when it comes to anime, with my exposure to Japan’s prolific feature output basically limited to Studio Ghibli films and a small handful of others. That’s something I’d like to work on, so I jumped at the chance to see Makoto Shinkai’s blockbusting romance Your Name at the cinema last year as a way of putting that right; what I got was an outstanding and emotionally overwhelming reminder of everything I’ve been missing out on.

Your Name is a difficult movie to categorise - my best attempt would be “supernatural gender/body-swap tragicomedy-drama disaster romance epic”, but even that would be underselling the deft changeability and tonal fluidity of this marvellously-constructed movie, which came within a hair’s breadth of ranking as my favourite of the year. Part of that versatility comes from its mastery of the medium - I know it’s not intended to function as a primer on anime, but it couldn’t have done a better job if it tried, such is its command of everything that defines the format at its best. Here’s a 2D animated film that feels truly modern, that pushes hand-drawn animation to new levels of technical beauty and adventurous stylisation without feeling even slightly retro; here’s an animated film that can speak directly to a teenage and young adult audience, with a pop soundtrack and frank allusion to concepts of sexuality and gender identity, and evoke that lived experience of yearning adolescence in a way that feels sophisticated and universal; here’s an animated film that knows how to bring metaphysical mystery, power and spirituality to its narrative with a light touch, leaving just enough traces of magic to lend an edge of unknowable enormity to the intimate character story we’re being told. These are areas in which the best anime movies uniquely excel, and Shinkai seems to understand implicitly how to leverage these strengths without any of the weaknesses.

But Your Name isn’t designed to be appreciated on a beard-stroking conceptual level; for all its artistic accomplishment, it’s a weepy teenage romance at heart, and you couldn’t ask for one better. Its protagonists - small town girl Mitsuha and Tokyo boy Taki, who mysteriously find themselves intermittently swapping bodies - are enormously likeable leads with whom it’s easy to empathise, whether it’s Mitsuha’s longing to experience life beyond her idyllic but fishbowl-like rural community, or Taki’s increasingly passionate desire to connect directly with the girl who’s literally changing his life from the inside. The latter quest comes to form the driving emotional engine of the film, and writer-director Shinkai does a fine job of creating a palpable closeness between the two characters, whilst at the same time putting them in a situation where every conceivable obstacle - time, space, fate - stand in the way of them ever meeting. If that sounds melodramatic, that’s because it is, but Your Name knows exactly how to sell a brand of epic romance that makes the audience feel like they’re seeing something much more profound than the feelings of two people; that’s partly a function of the gorgeous hyperreality of the visuals, but also a testament to the way Shinkai unfolds the story, expanding what starts out as a light, sweet body-swap fantasy into something larger and more mythic. To say more about how Your Name pivots and pirouettes through different plot ideas and genres would give too much away about a film that benefits greatly from being unpacked at its own pace, so I won’t go further, other than to say it builds to something that’s sweeping, exhilarating and wistful in all the right ways.

If it sounds like I’m giving this movie the hard sell, that’s very much intentional - certainly, Your Name doesn’t need any more of a push in Asia, where it’s been a record-breaking success, but Western audiences seem to be much less aware of it, as evidenced by its surprise omission from this year’s Best Animated Feature Oscar nominees. This may be partly because because the film isn’t actually due to be released in US theatres until April 7th 2017, a stunningly long delay that nevertheless gives me an opportunity to urge any American readers to make sure they catch it on the biggest possible screen. After all, Your Name helped to show me everything I’m missing by not watching enough good anime; the least I can do to return the favour is to make sure nobody misses this one.

1. Zootopia

Nobody who’s followed this blog for any length of time will be shocked by this choice; in fact, nobody who saw the Oscars or pays any attention to the film industry in general will be too surprised, as Disney’s Zootopia has proven a commercial phenomenon, a darling among reviewers and an awards magnet. Inevitably, this means the film has started to attract a few contrarian potshots, but I’m not interested in engaging with that; after all if we can’t take a moment to earnestly celebrate one of the best and bravest films Disney have made in decades, then why do we even watch movies?

I’ve spent a lot of words talking about Zootopia over the last 12 months, and yet it still doesn’t feel like it’s left my system; with its incredible visual design, instantly lovable character chemistry, deft pacing and bubbling comedic energy, it encapsulates pretty much every one of Disney’s traditional strengths, while also excelling in areas where the studio have never traditionally dared to tread. As a piece of worldbuilding, its thoroughness exceeds many science-fiction films - the breathtaking wonder of the first train ride into the city of Zootopia is a Disney moment for the ages, rendered with such immersive intimacy that I’d love to see it retrofitted as a VR experience - while the film’s vaulting thematic ambitions and willingness to delve into challenging social commentary feel like a seismic sea change for a company with a reputation for corporatised artistic conservatism. That I rate Zootopia as the best animated film of an incredibly strong year doesn’t preclude acknowledgement of its imperfections - the police procedural elements are a little oversimplified, it can be episodic at times, the metaphors can sometimes be heavy-handed - but it’s the intelligent, open-hearted generosity of the thematic dialogue it opens up with its audience that makes those concerns feel small. This is a pointed, satirical and often overtly politicised piece of work, addressing deeply divisive issues of prejudice, system bias, internalised privilege and societal identity, and yet it manages to do so in a way that feels pluralistic, universally empowering and non-judgemental - a feat that most adult-oriented media struggles to achieve. It’s a film that educates without lecturing, that shows asks you to find your own answers rather than spoonfeeding you solutions, that shines a light on the problems that society faces but still lets you walk out feeling energised, rather than depressed. That’s difficult for any movie to achieve; for Disney, with almost no experience of making topical satire, to be able to pull this off while still ticking all the boxes of a superlative, adorable and hilarious family adventure is one of the greatest accomplishments in their entire 80-year history of feature animation.

Honestly, if I have any lingering feeling of disappointment about Zootopia, it’s the question of why the message it expressed so eloquently didn’t end up making a bigger impression on those who saw it. That a movie with such an explicitly educational theme of cultural unification and overcoming differences was able to gross more than $1 billion in a year as riven by political division and opprobrium as 2016 is a testament to cinema’s value as a means of escape; unfortunately, it also probably tells us a lot about the cognitive dissonance that prevents people from actually living up to the virtues expressed by the media they enjoy. I started the year wondering whether Zootopia would be as good a movie as we deserve from Disney in 2016; I ended it wondering whether 2016 deserved Zootopia. Nevertheless, I’ll try to hold on the virtues the film embodied, and take heart from the fact that children raised with this heartfelt, articulate and deeply empathetic movie stand a much better chance of learning the right lessons from it than the rest of us did. After all, if a naive rabbit and a jaded fox can learn to overcome prejudice, see things from other perspectives and make the world a better place, maybe there’s hope for the rest of us mammals as well.

[newidaho]

16.  Reactions

Don’t have the time/patience/desire to read with your eyes? Don’t have eyes? Well, have your friend read you this:  You can check out the audiobook for free on Apple, Google, Stitcher, or Spotify.  Subscribe for new episodes every Wednesday!

Selected Clippings from Various News Sources, 25-26 December 2054

I.  Source:  Harris, Jordan.  “Lucidity:  An Unexpected Sea Change.”  News Idaho.  25 December 2054

Just hours ago, the world received an unsolicited Christmas Present in the form of a guerrilla Lucid Event.

Compelling Keynote presentations for new technology have been the norm for 80 years, since Steve Jobs first took to stage to present the Mac in 1984.  Rarely since then, however, have many CEOs and entrepreneurs been able to stand up to Jobs’ legacy.

Enter Lex Lucid and his company, Lucid Labs:  The 20 year king of paradigm shifts in industry and technology.

There’s no need to recap the ways that Lucid Labs has changed the way we go about our lives.  If you’re one of the 75% of Americans, or 87% of New Idahoans with Augmented Reality Lenses, you have seen it for yourself (and if you’re not, feel free to watch today’s Lucid Labs Keynote to jog your memory).  If the Lucid Lens was his iPhone moment, now, 20 years later, Lex may find a moment of world-changing integration that Jobs only hoped for, only one year younger than Jobs on the day he died. 

It’s Christmas Day, 2054, and Lucid Labs has announced “Lucidity”.

Lucidity is an earth-shattering technology that few of us saw coming.  Lucidity is a small patch containing a computer that is (allegedly) so sensitive to brainwaves that it can essentially read your mind.

So what can you do with this powerful new technology?  During the event, Lucid discussed three applications that you will be able to find on the device upon it’s release in February:

-Lucid Dream:  The flagship application for the device.  Lucid Dream can already record and playback the user’s dreams.  Further updates are expected to integrate the software with the Imaginary Friend capabilities that have been evolving with augmented reality for the last 20 years.  After that, you can finally be with the girl of your dreams.  Literally.

-Lucid Creation:  A native software package for Lucid Labs technology since the Lucid Mask in 2024, Lucid Creation is expected to take strides right along with the new Lucidity hardware.  During the keynote, Lex Lucid hinted at what was already in the works, including an update to Lucid’s animation and music software that allows the user to simply “think” his or her creation into existence.

-Lucid Idea:  Lucidity’s messaging application.  Exactly how close we are to legitimate telepathic communication was unfortunately missing in the Keynote, but the promise is there.

Lucidity is a computer unprecedented in power and sensitivity, providing expansive fertile territory for new explorers of the technology.  The new era of PCs and VR have passed—Lucidity is the new wild west for developers.

And so far, it would appear Lucid wishes to allow and encourage developers to work to his newest computer’s level:  Lucidity was rolled out with a guaranteed shelf life of five years.  God knows what you’ll be switching to in the sixties.

In these early days, it’s hard to know what applications Lucidity will evolve to have.  Even more open to speculation are the implications, which are sure to be a near-constant conversation from today onward.

“From today onward”.  It’s a rare and awesome occasion when humanity can say this so profoundly.  Lucid’s Christmas gift to the world has been unwrapped, whether we like it or not.

The first Lucidity will ship in February.  Until then, if you are living in New Idaho, you may want to drop a hint to one of your peers at the Labs—rumor has it that Lucidity has already been passed out and is in use by Lab employees.

II.  Source:  Reefer, Banananut.  “What We Expect from Lucidity”  The Ringworm.  25 December 2054

Hello again!  It’s your local bloodthirsty newshound, Banananut Reefer, here to report on  the new sensation that’s sweeping the nation.

That’s right, we’re talking about Lex Lucid’s latest:  Lucidity.

Now, Lucidity basically takes a look at all of your unfiltered thoughts, and somehow organizes them into doing different tasks.

After the announcement this Christmas, The Ringworm sent a team of reporters to camp out on the mountain ring outside the Labs and see what they could find out.  After staring at what was mostly just an empty building for seven hours and losing four toes to frostbite, they decided to report back.  Here’s the applications we know from the Event and the ones we speculate are coming in the future.

Lucid Dream:  Now, Lucidity is, more than anything, a deep probe into your disturbed psyche.  Nothing points this out more so than “Lucid Dream,”  An application native to the device that allows you to play back those unacknowledged scenes from the depth of your consciousness.

Lucid Creation:  If you can think it, you can make it—Lucid plans to help more people come to terms with the harsh reality that they lack imagination in addition to skill.

Lucid Idea:  Well, we finally did it—we are getting to the point as a society where we can read each other’s minds.  I wonder if we can still use autocorrect?  In the meantime, Paranoia is expected to skyrocket among those who already thought their friends were talking behind their back.

Lucid Potato Patch:  Judging by our researcher’s observations, there is a large patch of soil near the front parking lot of Lucid Labs.  This being Idaho, we at The Ringworm believe it likely has to do with a Lucidity application that allows you to grow your own potato patch with energy from the mind.

Loosened Bowel Movement:  There’s only one explanation our researchers could think of for why they hardly saw anyone at the Labs—chronic constipation!  We can only hope for an app in Lucidity that allows you to save the experience of all your best bowel movements in order to play them back again later in all their glory.  The fact that so many workers at the Labs appear to be out due to constipation, we must conclude that they are blocked up by anticipation (consticipation?) for the app, which we have guessed will be called “Loosened Bowel Movement.”

Lucid Bank:  It’s not a new technology these days without a new form of cryptocurrency.  We expect the Bitcoin of Lucidity will be based on your thoughts—if you invest more time mining other people’s thoughts, you can get more thought coins, which you can invest as you would any currency.  Hopefully nobody sends any dirty thoughts over to muck up the whole system!

At the end of the day, you never really know where all this hype is going to end up.  We can only hope for the apps that we were promised and the apps that we have speculated on.  Here at The Ringworm, we’ve been paralyzed with despair after forgetting a defecation we expected to remember forever.  Now that Lucidity promises to change that, we will be wearing that patch on our temple all day every day.

EDIT: Sources have confirmed that Lucid Labs employees were given the day off for Christmas, though we see no reason to rule out the idea that diarrhea was still in full force for many employees

III.  Source:  America, Tommy.  “So Long Self-Control, Hello Mind Control.”  Truth Quest.  25 December 2054.

Well, folks, the day is nearly here.  We’ve been calling it or a while, but the powers that be have made a move today that could very well put the free man in checkmate.

I’m talking, of course, about Lucidity—the huge Christmas announcement, the world-flipping new technology.  Some people are excited as hell to get their hands on it and think sweet nothings to their little boyfriends and girlfriends, not knowing all the while these trivial pursuits will be causing them their freedom and the freedom of everyone in America as we know it.

When Snowden told us all the NSA was spying on us, we just shrugged our shoulders and moved on.  When we learned the social media companies were getting rich off selling our information, we shook our heads, but we just kept scrolling.  Sure, the Data Privacy Act of 2025 was a small victory, but just because it’s harder for companies to sell our information doesn’t mean it’s not out there.

After all, we’ve been running around with cameras attached to our heads for nearly 20 years—what more could the puppet masters want?

Turns out the answer is a resounding “YOUR MIND.”  Fake news and fastidiously calculated manipulation on an extreme scale wasn’t enough.  Now the powers that be are going to look past our behaviors and into our thoughts themselves.

I don’t need to tell you how dangerous that is.  I don’t need to, but I’m going to anyway.  If the NSA and major corporations (and their marketing teams) have access to our thoughts, they can finally carry out the mass manipulation the elites and the American government have been planning since the days of the robber barons.

We’ve known it for a while here at Truth Quest,  but now there’s no question.  The play is just way too obvious.  New Idaho is an incubator for the new world leaders.  It’s a haven for globalists.  Why else do you think the federal government gives Mayor Krispyman special treatment?  Why did America and Idaho just sit back and allow the “City of the Century” to be built, along with a hyper train through the mountains and a freakin’ jungle?

All I can think is, you get a lot of passes when you’re in on the game.  Now that it’s more evident than ever that Lex Lucid is in the game, it’s official:  Lucid is not the “Jobs of our lifetime”.  He’s the Zuckerberg.

Slowly but surely, technology is ramping up to allow the globalists to take power over the world through taking power over the individual.  Don’t let your mind be taken captive.  Fight back!  Don’t give up your mind to those whose only goals are to manipulate you and take over the world!  Boycott Lucidity and boycott Lucid Labs!

IV.  Source:  Thompson, Acacia.  “Penny For Your Thoughts.”  The Midcentury Ungrateful.  26 December 2054.

So this is where capitalism leads to.  Trust me, I’m as surprised as you are that it’s hung in there so long—guess it just goes to show the ever-powerful force of greed.

What the “Free Market” has decided we all need now is a way to communicate with objects and each other with our minds.  That’s right, yesterday Lex Lucid took to stage to reveal “Lucidity”, the newest computer from Lucid Labs that syncs your brainwaves up to your glasses.

That’s right—two channels wasn’t enough, so we made 500.  Boxy TVs were too ugly.  We made them flat.  Then we put more flat screens in our pockets.  But it was too much of a hassle to keep pulling something out of your pocket all day—so we started to wear these computers on our face, with the screen projected right into our eye.  And now, if we weren’t lazy enough, we have been given the ultimate convenience:  A computer that reads your freaking mind.

Now, we’ve known for a while that capitalism can’t hold up.  We just keep using more and more resources to make more products to make people more lazy so they keep buying more and more and depleting our Earth’s resources.

That’s how you end up with jungles in the middle of America.

But now the capitalists have taken it one step farther and one step closer to totally controlling us:  A computer that gets inside our very heads.

Just think what ads will start to look like:  Pretty soon, marketing companies will know about your perfect woman.  They will know what your dreams are.  What motivates you.  They will start selling it to you in their virtual ads.  They will start using characters from your own head to manipulate you into buying what they tell you you need.

Not to mention how much money Lucid Labs and friends will get from selling your information to these marketing companies—as there is no doubt they will do it.

So, is Lucidity something you need?  Well, we’re not so blind as to think that this impressive (to say the least) new technology won’t be widely used and applied by the masses.  So you might be leaving yourself out.

My question for you, however, is why you want to be in in the first place.  Why spend time playing this useless game of making the fat cats fatter at the expense of your health, wallet, and those around you?

It’s hard to say, but it seems America’s here to stay.  We’re hoping the tragedy of Lucidity will be the straw that breaks capitalism’s back, but we’re not holding our breath.

[constructionaccounting]

0276: Interview With Brian Javeline MyOnlineToolbox.Com

This Podcast Is Episode Number 0276, And It Will Be About Interview With Brian Javeline Of MyOnlineToolBox.com

Today's Article Is From Brian Javeline Of My Online Toolbox

While the title of this story mentions website leads, planning also can incorporate many other forms of leads.  However, we decided to focus on website leads since so many contractors simply do not have a great online presence designed to capture more quality business opportunities.

Go open your last version of your Marketing Plan.  You will then not believe how fast time flies by.  It will feel like just the other day where many of you were making all sorts of plans to change things, then time went by, then you got busy so the plans went in the to-do pile.   Unfortunately that implies that you are not doing anything specific to attract better customers.

Many people have never had a Marketing Plan at all, which is even worse than not following through on your plans.  It is kind of like constantly building something without any measurements or schematics whatsoever.

The most common situation we run into is hearing contractors updating their websites and making changes without any concrete planning.  Most companies rely on their website company for their marketing strategy which is a mistake, unless that website company clearly has a strong foothold in this particular industry.  

Always remember, just because someone has mastered Google Docs or Microsoft Word doesn’t necessarily mean they know how to write a concise story.  It is the same thing with many website programmers who have first focused on websites and SEO without first having a strong background in marketing.

Want better customers in the future? Then start planning for them today. It will take some time to methodically organize yourself to market correctly. That begins with a Marketing Plan or an update to your existing Marketing Plan. And many do not want to embrace this fact, but it will take months for these efforts to all come together after you are done. This includes making the correct updates to your website, Facebook and YouTube for Social Sharing, Google Reviews for consumer rankings, etc. So start today, then take a few months to organize yourself slowly, and then start to reap the rewards sometime in the next quarter with momentum picking up around two quarters out.  It is amazing how one’s business can change for life once you actually do something about it.

Don’t use the excuse you are busy and waiting for things to slow down. Guess what? That is the same thing the majority of your peers are saying. Ever wonder what the top companies do differently than you to be overly successful? Much of it is not magic. Much of it is business practices and continuity with no excuses.

I hear all the time “you do not know how lucky you are to get so many quality leads”. And I respond the same way, “No, luck has nothing to do with it.” It took planning, execution and persistence to build the momentum of image and results we produce. In fact, that is why I like to focus on the words More Quality Leads as opposed to just saying More Leads. I used to get too many leads that it was actually a distraction. Now our business has vastly reduced the time dealing with tire kickers which gives us more time to focus on good customers and quality leads. These quality leads turn into quality customers who in turn give us some quality referrals. And the merry-go-round spins. Sure, bad leads continue to come, but at a much slower pace and they are easy to let go.

Perhaps you are doing well with your marketing and leads. That is great. Then at least make sure to not rest on your laurels and keep it up. But maybe you are wondering why are you so busy and not making as much profit as you thought. Or maybe you are getting leads and not closing as many as you thought. Or perhaps you really do not get as much referral business as you hoped for with your existing clients. You can change so much by identifying a problem and planning to change it.

Remember that marketing is different than sales and should be treated as distinct topics.  Many contractors are so much better at sales since they are accustomed to bragging about what they do, and that is fine.  But many really have not positioned themselves to be clearly aware of how a consumer researches for their services.  And many more do not position themselves to differentiate from the competition.

Consider taking a step back and creating a Marketing Plan that captures your specific services, your specific territory and positions you against your competition.  Many times you will discover weaknesses in your marketing that you were clearly unaware of.  Many times you will also discover strengths in your business that you are not properly using in your marketing.  And then you can make great implementation decisions when you see what your competitors are bad at as well as good at.

A Marketing Plan is an absolute game changer when it comes to focusing on your objectives to Get More Quality Leads.

And maybe a Marketing Plan is too much to take on right now.   Then at least consider learning the Basics of Marketing & Website SEO Strategies.  You would be amazed how better you can critique yourself, or perhaps work so much better with your existing website company simply because you embrace the topics better.  Most programmers do not have the time to explain to you what they do, and at the same time most owners do not really know what is going on with their sites.  It doesn’t have to just be a leap of faith when it comes to this critical part of your business.

CONCLUSION:

The future of having better customers is achievable if you have a road map to change the direction. Your planning to go into that direction should start today.

I Highly Recommend all contractors spend some time on his website MyOnlineToolbox.com and get to know Brian. He is a valuable resource to all contractors, not just remodel contractors. Please be sure to let Brian know Randal DeHart, The Contractors Accountant, recommended you.

About The Author:

Brian Javeline is President & Co-founder of MyOnlineToolbox.com. MyOnlineToolbox is the #1 Online Marketing & Website Education Series – Just for Construction Contractors, Remodelers and Service Providers!   The company also specializes in Marketing Planning for a Website Strategy to dominate inbound lead generation efforts for a new or existing website. 

                                              The Information Shown Below Is From Fast Easy Accounting

Download The Contractors APP Now!

Access code: FEAHEROS

The QR Code Below Will Go

Apple Or Android Store

Whichever One

You Need

Simply scan the QR code below or search for ‘MyAccountants’ in the App Store and enter the Access code: FEAHEROS to utilize the powerful App features and capabilities, and benefit from having our Construction Accounting App at your fingertips, 24/7.

Access code: FEAHEROS

Or click to download the Contractors APP now from the App or Android store

     Click here to download the App on iOS:

Click here to download the App on Android:

  I trust this podcast helps you understand that outsourcing your contractor's bookkeeping services to us is about more than just “doing the bookkeeping”; it is about taking a holistic approach to your entire construction company and helping support you as a contractor and as a person.

We Remove Contractor's Unique Paperwork Frustrations

We understand the good, bad and the ugly about owning and operating construction companies because we have had several of them and we sincerely care about you and your construction company!

That is all I have for now, and if you have listened to this far please do me the honor of commenting and rating the Podcast  www.FastEasyAccounting.com/podcast Tell me what you liked, did not like, tell it as you see it because your feedback is crucial and I thank you in advance.

You Deserve To Be Wealthy Because You Bring Value To Other People's Lives!

I trust this will be of value to you and your feedback is always welcome at www.FastEasyAccounting.com/podcast

This Is One more example of how Fast Easy Accounting is helping construction company owners across the USA including Alaska and Hawaii put more money in the bank to operate and grow your construction company. Construction accounting is not rocket science; it is a lot harder than that, and a lot more valuable to construction contractors like you so stop missing out and call Sharie 206-361-3950 or email sharie@fasteasyaccounting.com

Contractor Bookkeeping Done For You!

Thinking About Outsourcing Your Contractors Bookkeeping Services?

Click On The Link Below:

www.FastEasyAccounting.com/hs

This guide will help you learn what to look for in outsourced construction accounting.

Need Help Now?

Call Sharie 206-361-3950

sharie@fasteasyaccounting.com

Thank you very much, and I hope you understand we do care about you and all contractors regardless of whether or not you ever hire our services. Bye for now until our next episode here on the Contractors Success MAP Podcast.

About The Author:

          Our Workflow Removes Your Paperwork Frustrations

For Contractors Who Prefer

To Do Your Bookkeeping

Fast Easy Accounting Do-It-Yourself Construction Accounting Store Is Open

Most Contractors Setup QuickBooks Desktop Version In One Of Three Ways:

#1 EZ Step Interview inside QuickBooks Setup #2 Asked Their Tax Accountant To Setup QuickBooks #3 They Attended A How To Setup QuickBooks Class Or Seminar

And QuickBooks Does Not Work The Way They Want It Too!

The Answer:

#1 Click Here To Buy An Entire QuickBooks Setup For Your Specific Contracting Company

#2 Click Here To Buy Just The Chart Of Accounts For Your Specific Contracting Company

  Short List Of Construction Contractors We Serve

Asphalt ContractorAsphalt Contractor Brand New ContractorBrand New ContractorBrick And Stone ContractorBrick And Stone ContractorCabinet Installation ContractorCabinet Installation ContractorCarpentry ContractorCarpentry ContractorCarpet And Tile ContractorCarpet And Tile ContractorCommercial Tenant Improvement ContractorCommercial Tenant Improvement ContractorConcrete ContractorConcrete ContractorConstruction EmployeesConstruction EmployeesConstruction ManagerConstruction ManagerConstruction Support SpecialistConstruction Support SpecialistCustom Deck ContractorCustom Deck ContractorCustom Home BuilderCustom Home BuilderDemolition ContractorDemolition ContractorDrywall ContractorDrywall ContractorElectrical ContractorElectrical ContractorEmerging ContractorEmerging ContractorExcavation ContractorExcavation ContractorFinish Millwork ContractorFinish Millwork ContractorFlipper House ContractorFlipper House ContractorFlooring ContractorFlooring ContractorFoundation ContractorFoundation ContractorFraming ContractorFraming ContractorGeneral ContractorGeneral ContractorGlass Installation ContractorGlass Installation ContractorGutter ContractorGutter ContractorHandyman ContractorHandyman ContractorHot Tub ContractorHot Tub ContractorHVAC ContractorHVAC ContractorInsulation ContractorInsulation ContractorInterior Designer ContractorInterior Designer ContractorLand Development ContractorLand Development ContractorLandscape ContractorLandscape ContractorLawn And Yard Maintenance ContractorLawn And Yard Maintenance ContractorMasonry ContractorMasonry ContractorMold Remediation ContractorMold Remediation ContractorMoss Removal ContractorMoss Removal ContractorPainting ContractorPainting ContractorPlaster ContractorPlaster ContractorPlaster And Stucco ContractorPlaster And Stucco ContractorPlumbing ContractorPlumbing ContractorPressure Washing ContractorPressure Washing ContractorRemodel ContractorRemodel ContractorRenovation ContractorRenovation ContractorRestoration ContractorRestoration ContractorRoofing ContractorRoofing ContractorSiding ContractorSiding ContractorSpec Home BuilderSpec Home BuilderSpecialty ContractorSpecialty ContractorStone Mason ContractorStone Mason ContractorStucco ContractorStucco ContractorSubcontractorSubcontractorSwimming Pool ContractorSwimming Pool ContractorSwimming Pool And Hot Tub ContractorSwimming Pool And Hot Tub ContractorTile And Carpet ContractorTile And Carpet ContractorTrade ContractorTrade ContractorTree ContractorTree ContractorUnderground ContractorUnderground ContractorUtility ContractorUtility ContractorWaterproofing ContractorWaterproofing ContractorWindow ContractorWindow Contractor

Additional QuickBooks Templates, Resources, And Services

QuickBooks Set Up TemplatesSolopreneurQuickBooks Chart Of AccountsFree StuffQuickBooks Item Lists TemplatesConsulting

We Serve Over 100 Types Of Contractors So If Your Type Of Company Is Not Listed

Please Do Not Be Concerned Because If You Are A Contractor

There Is A Good Chance We Can Help You!

Call Now: 206-361-3950

  Additional QuickBooks Templates, Resources, And Services

QuickBooks Set Up Templates   Solopreneur

QuickBooks Chart Of Accounts     Free Stuff

QuickBooks Item Lists Templates     Consulting

  We Serve Over 100 Types Of Contractors So If Your Type Of Company Is Not Listed

Please Do Not Be Concerned Because If You Are A Contractor

There Is A Good Chance We Can Help You!

Call Now: 206-361-3950

If you are a blogger, who writes about construction we would like to hear from you.

https://www.fasteasyaccounting.com/guestblogger

                                                                                                                            Contractors_Success_MAP, Contractors_Success_Marketing_Accounting_Production, Contractor_Bookkeeping_Services, QuickBooks_For_Contractors, QuickBooks_For_Contractors,Contractors_Success_Map_Interview_Brian_Javeline_MyOnlineToolbox

Check out this episode about Contractors Marketing - Accounting - Production (M.A.P.)!

[evodex]

Sample Chapter: Koffee with Kiran

DREAM #2

The setup: There is an opulent set inside a recording studio. Vividly coloured plush couches and sofas are placed across the floor which complemented the weird graphic art and mood lighting all around. The shoot is about to begin and the production crew scurries across the floor, making last-minute adjustments. The host, a celebrated producer-director and third-generation Bollywood royalty, Ms. Kiran, walks in. She takes her seat on the awkwardly constructed sofa and welcomes the guest, who is, of course, none other than my weighing scale.

Roll, camera, action!

Ms. Kiran: Hello and welcome to yet another exciting episode of Koffee with Kiran. Our guest tonight is a significant gadget, which has numerous amusing stories to tell about its user, Mrs. Google. So, let’s welcome and hear it from the Weighing Scale!

Weighing Scale: Thank you so much. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Ms. Kiran: Why don’t you start by telling us a little about yourself and your user Mrs. Google.

Weighing Scale: Well, as you have already introduced me, I am Mrs. Google’s weighing scale. I have been with her for almost six years now. There is a ritual that the two of us follow every time we are together. She gingerly steps on me, always standing on the tip of her toes. Then she closes her eyes and gives out a low sigh before peering down at my screen. This is usually followed by a disappointed shriek. She then tries to draw her breath and tummy in, before glancing at the numbers again. Obviously, the readings do not change and she instantly gets off the scale, like a crisp golden bread slice popping out of a toaster.

I always wonder about these four things:

Why tiptoe on the scale? Does she think that standing on her toes instead of placing the entire feet on the scale would make her weigh any lesser?

What’s with the astonished shriek? Does Mrs. Google expect to be 20 pounds lighter every time she stands on me? Like, magically?

Then, ‘inhaling deeply and tucking in of her tummy’ part. How is that ever going to bring down the numbers on scale? If anything, she’s only drawing in more air.

Also, what’s the hurry to get off from me? Will the pounds keep adding like the autorickshaw meter if she stands on me for 30 more seconds?

Ms. Kiran: Hmmm. So clearly, there are some issues here. Tell me, how often does she use you?

Weighing Scale: At least six times a day—with and without clothes, before and after meals, before going to bed, immediately after waking up, ahead of her morning walk and also after the leisurely stroll post dinner.

Ms. Kiran: Okay, let me just set the record straight. Is she…errr…fat?

Weighing Scale: Well, I’ll just say that based on her age, height and body type, she should ideally weigh somewhere between 58 and 62 kilograms. But she leans towards the heavier side. She is 36-24-36 + GST (linked to Aadhar). Now you can do the math yourself as I am ethically bound not to reveal the real numbers.

But Kiran, let me tell you and everyone else watching this show that Mrs. Google is not fat! She is just overweight. And there is a huge, huge difference between being fat and being overweight, especially for women.

Ms. Kiran: I agree. Weight is as sensitive an issue for women as age is, perhaps more so when it is slightly on the higher side. If it is impolite to ask a lady’s age, it is worse to peep into the weighing scale when she’s on it.

Backstage you were telling me how Mrs. Google tried to lose weigh, and there are some hilarious stories you have about that stint, right? So, tell us about her journey from fit to fat and then trying to be fit again.

Weighing Scale: Kiran, a few years back, Mrs. Google was much thinner. Well, maybe that’s a wrong choice of words. Let me rephrase, a few years ago, Mrs. Google was less overweight.

She used to comfortably wear size 10 and size 12 in some brands. Then things started to change. Currently, 80 per cent of her old clothes do not fit her anymore and this hasn’t changed in the last one year. Yet she clings on to them, hoping to fit into them once again. Someday.

Gradually, things started trending from bad to worse. Buttons started to pop out and large gaping areas were formed in her shirts, showing off what should be hidden. Zips refused to close till the end. And whatever she wore defined every curve, crevice and fold of her body. She progressively inflated from every corner, angle and side—a 360-degrees all-round expansion. It was hard on both of us.

Ms. Kiran: Oh poor Mrs. Google and poor you too. Then what happened? Did she do anything about it?

Weighing Scale: Yes, of course she did! So, one day, looking at herself in the full-length mirror, Mrs. Google swore aloud, “Enough is enough! This cannot be happening. I ought to get back into shape.” Immediately, she called her closest buddy, Ms. Kukki, who also suffers from this unfortunate affliction. Both of them decided to meet and discuss the way forward.

Ms. Kiran: Oh goodie! A little teamwork always helps. I’m sure they must have found a way to tackle the issue together.

Weighing Scale: Hah! You must listen to what they did. And don’t ask me how I got all the sordid details. I have my sources inside the house.

So, Ms Kukki arrived in that evening and they hugged and air-kissed like besties. While doing so, both women tried to gauge whose girth was wider. Once they settled down, Mrs. Google ordered the house help to make some adrak–wali chai and pyaaz-aloo bhajiyas as it was raining heavily. Lovely weather like this calls for a little celebration, she reasoned. She also instructed her help to bring along the butter-choco-walnut pound cake that her sister-in-law had brought from Dubai last week.

And it was over tea, bhajiya, cake and namkeen that the ladies discussed their woes and swore to take up an exercise routine ASAP. They chalked out a plan too, starting with brisk walking for 45 minutes and then gradually moving towards the gym, later in the week.

Ms. Kiran: Nice. Things are getting interesting. Then what happened?

Weighing Scale: As she visualised her soon-to-be-svelte figure with child-like glee, Mrs. Google was reminded that all her track pants and tees were either two sizes small or out of fashion. She instantly informed Ms. Kukki about the crisis. And within twenty minutes, both ladies were out to buy new workout clothes.

Seeing Mrs. Google’s dedication towards the new regimen, which was reflected in her eagerness to buy new fitness wear and gear, an inspired Ms. Kukki decided to follow suit. How can Mrs. Google shine away in her new, trendy, branded sportswear, while she lagged behind unnoticed in her three-months-old workout clothes?

After one-and-half hours of repeated trying, changing, selecting and discarding loads of ‘dry fit’ technology-enabled fitness wear, they came out of the mall armed with shiny shopping bags containing pairs of slim-fit tights with contrasting and matching dry fit tees, neon coloured sport shoes, two pairs of socks, a water sipper, a post-workout windcheater and a gym bag. Mrs. Google and Ms. Kukki were all set to enter the world of fitness like divas!

On the way back, Mrs. Google even ordered a fitness tracker watch online and downloaded two exercise tracking apps on the phone to keep track of her fitness regimen.

Ms. Kiran: Hahaha! I can’t wait to hear what happened next. Carry on…

Weighing Scale: Kiran sweetie, now I will give you a detailed day-to-day account of how both ladies took on their workout regime. You better sit tight and listen up.

Day 1, 7.00 am: They met at a common point between their houses, all decked up in the shiny new gear. With sweat bands on, a hint of lip gloss for a fresh look and shoes laced up, both started walking briskly and chit-chatted all along. Due to the constant babble and energetic pace, they began to pant within 10 minutes. So, they slowed down to a dawdling stroll and completed the proposed 45 minutes.

Day 2, 7.00 am: The first day had been a great success for them as they managed to complete their walk, irrespective of the speed at which they finished it. Hi-fives were exchanged and the women patted each other’s back. Motivated, they began day two, again with quick steps and relentless chit-chat. But soon the pace decelerated and within 500 metres, they were breathless. Meanwhile, they crossed a spot where office goers stopped by to have their chai-sutta-nashta. The whiff of freshly made kachori and vada sambhar made the women go week on their knees. Mrs. Google looked at Ms. Kooki and raised an eyebrow suggestively. Ms. Kooki gestured her affirmation with a meaningful smile. Within five minutes, they were seated on the plastic stools outside the tapree, gorging on hot kachoris and sipping steaming adrak-wali chai.

Day 3, 7.00 am: Two days down, they felt exhilarated. After all, they had succeeded in keeping up with the schedule. But already a little bored of simply walking, they decided to enter their society’s gym. Inside, they met several acquaintances and neighbours. The first 10 minutes were spent in casual catching up. The ladies made sure to ignore Mrs. Rana, who ate like a horse in all the kitty parties but God knows how still managed to look like a French bean. She was the obvious object of their scorn.

After socialising for a while and fixing their hair in the mirrors mounted on the gym walls for a different purpose altogether, the ladies finally managed to drag themselves towards the cardio machines.

Speed: 4

Elevation: Flat

All through the ten minutes of their ‘light’ cardio, they kept cribbing about the bland song choice and the ineffective air-conditioning in the gym.

Calories burned – 38

Finishing their cardio, they sat down huffing and puffing. The gym instructor, a tall, handsome hunk, came over and asked them if they needed any help or if they would like to do some stretching.

Dumbstruck by his hotness and abs which were clearly visible through his tight vest, they couldn’t say ‘no’, even though their legs were wobbly and begged for mercy. Mr. Instructor demonstrated a few basic stretching exercises and flaunted his own muscles. Trying their best to imitate his immaculate moves, they kept falling in exhaustion and clumsiness. After four whole minutes of awkward stretching, the sweaty ladies found that the instructor was busy with other more dedicated disciples. Making the most of this opportunity, they bolted for the door.

Day 4, 7.00 am: By now, each and every muscle of their body, not in the habit of stretching or working out, were sore and hurting. The duo decided to keep it ‘light’ and stick to plain walking. Walk to the tempting tapri. Gorge. And walk back.

Distance covered – 2 km

Calories burned – 70

Calories eaten – 250

Day 5, 7.00 am: Repeat performance of Day 4.

Day 6, 6.30 am: As expected, their schedule didn’t last very long. And so, Ms. Kukki called Mrs. Google to inform that she wouldn’t be able to make it that day as it was a weekend and she wanted to sleep till little late. Obviously, Mrs. Google was more than happy to agree. She too receded under the covers and went back to her sweet slumber.

I knew from the very beginning that this wouldn’t last long, monotony would kill it and exercising incessantly would die a natural death.

Day 7: Nobody called anybody. And, as they say, sometimes no news is good news. The unannounced verdict found mutual consent.

The entire exercising routine was soon forgotten as Mrs. Google & Ms. Kukki chose painless mornings over demanding fitness. The whole ‘silly’ idea was thrown out of the window.

Ms. Kiran: Such a sad and tragic ending to a thoroughly amusing story. Did she try other methods of losing weight post this swiftly aborted exercise routine?

Weighing Scale: Well, after coming to terms that exercising was not her cup of tea, she tried her hand at all sorts of diets—starting with a weeklong GM diet, moving on to the low-carb Atkin’s diet, followed by the chhass only diet, then the most obnoxious cabbage soup diet, the much-celebrated vegan diet, keto diet and even two days of the ‘cotton ball diet’, in which she dipped small balls of fluffy cotton into juices and smoothies and ate them up. Sadly, nothing passed the threshold of the experimentation phase of first few days.

Ms. Kiran: ‘Cotton ball diet’? Gosh, now this is incorrigible. So, did she give it all up finally?

Weighing Scale: Well, Mrs. Google has stopped experimenting with all the bizarre diets. Someone recently suggested to her ‘sniff the food’ technique. She is currently trying her luck with that. Less eating and more sniffing. I wonder how that will pan out for her.

Ms. Kiran: Hmmm… let’s see what that results in. Do keep me posted on that.

So, moving on, let’s play our exciting rapid-fire round. I will ask you a few questions and you have to answer them keeping Mrs. Google in mind. But remember, the replies have to be rapid and, of course, fiery!

Ready? So, here we go…what is Mrs. Google’s weight?

Weighing Scale: 62 + 8 – 40 + 50 – 2

Ms. Kiran: Very well. Tell us about her one secret that even Mr. Planet doesn’t know.

Weighing Scale: She secretly eat chocolates and candies. Mrs. Google stashes them at various covert places, like inside the vegetable compartment of fridge, in the lower most section of her cupboard, unused purses, side table of her bed, behind the spice rack and even in the loo.

Ms. Kiran: What does Mr. Planet say when Mrs. Google asks him if she is looking fat in a particular dress?

Weighing Scale: Oh, he has this one absolutely figured out and well-rehearsed. It’s always a big, compelling ‘NO’. The genuinely surprised and ‘are you kidding’ wala expression on his face is priceless.

Ms. Kiran: Has Mrs. Google ever shared her actual weight with anyone? If so, with whom?

Weighing Scale: Yes. To her doctor, dietician, personal trainer, a sales person for health insurance purposes and one more sales guy at a bicycle shop, just so that he could give her the precise recommendations. Also, to a ride operator at an amusement park because the ride had to be correctly balanced. But for rest of the world, including Mr. Planet, it is a dark, well-guarded secret.

Ms. Kiran: Share a recent embarrassing incident of hers.

Weighing Scale: Last week, she met a friend after a long time. After shrieks of excitement and cheek-on-cheek air kissing, her friend stepped back and looking at Mrs. Google’s tummy, exclaimed, “Wow, looks like you have some good news there!”

Ms. Kiran: Hahaha! I am sure Mrs. Google wanted to strangle her.

Weighing Scale: You bet! Wait, I got one more. A few days back, she had to stand in a queue at the cash counter of a mall for almost half an hour due to some technical snag in the billing system. So, by the time things got working, she was visibly irritated. The woman behind the desk looked at her upset face and said, “I’m really sorry about your wait.” Without thinking much, courtesy to her bad mood, Mrs. Google snapped back, “You’re not so skinny yourself, madam. Mind you own business, please.” The poor girl did not even try to clarify her intent and resumed work but the ladies standing behind Mrs. Google were in splits. That’s when she realised what the girl had truly meant. She made a quick, embarrassed exit.

Ms. Kiran: OMG! That’s indeed funny.

Okay, tell us five things that make Mrs. Google flip out every time someone mentions in front of her.

Weighing Scale: Hmmm… Yoga, plus size clothing, health food, skinny jeans and people linking her allergies, acne and hair fall to her weight.

Ms. Kiran: If she wakes up as Katrina Kaif, she would….

Weighing Scale: If Mrs. Google wakes up as Katrina, she would go to her office and meet the big boss. She’d ask for a favour, which of course he would undoubtedly grant, she being Katrina for that moment. The favour would be double promotion and a separate cabin for a friend of hers, Mrs. Google.

Ms. Kiran: Haha, that would be a smart thing to do. Thanks a lot for being such a sport. You did very well. Our signature gift hamper, loaded with goodies is on the table next to you.

Now, before you leave, would you like to say something to her through our show?

Weighing Scale: I would like to tell Mrs. Google that although you eat less but you eat wrong. Having some extra weight is not that ‘fat’ an issue as you have made it to be. Being healthy and happy is more important than being thin and sad. So just remember, we all love you for the ‘weigh’ you are!

Next morning, while still in bed, I couldn’t stop laughing at last night’s dream. The incidents shared in it were all factual and indeed hilarious. My husband gave me a puzzled look, seeing me wake up in a happy-but-don’t–know-why state. Inching closer to him swapping my stupid grin with a seductive smile, I whispered, “Do you also love me for the ‘weigh’ I am?”

Perplexed by my unexpectedly amorous mood, barely an hour away from office time, he fumbled, “Of course darling, I love you the ‘way’ you are.”

Ah! If only men could ever understand what woman want (and mean).

My Stuff Speaks 

Author – Sania Siddiqui

Sample Chapter: Koffee with Kiran published first on https://bestbabyinc.tumblr.com

[ashafriesen]

Sample Chapter: Koffee with Kiran

DREAM #2

The setup: There is an opulent set inside a recording studio. Vividly coloured plush couches and sofas are placed across the floor, to complement the weird graphic art and mood lighting all around. The shoot is about to begin and the production crew scurries across the floor, making last-minute adjustments. The host, a celebrated producer-director and third-generation Bollywood royalty, Ms. Kiran, walks in. She takes her seat on the awkwardly constructed sofa and welcomes the guest, who is, of course, none other than my weighing scale.

Roll, camera, action!

Ms. Kiran: Hello and welcome to yet another exciting episode of Koffee with Kiran. Our guest tonight is a significant gadget, which has numerous amusing stories to tell about its user, Mrs. Google. So, let’s welcome Weighing Scale!

Weighing Scale: Thank you so much. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Ms. Kiran: Why don’t you start by telling us a little about yourself and your user Mrs. Google?

Weighing Scale: Well, as you have already introduced me, I am Mrs. Google’s weighing scale. I have been with her for almost six years now. There is a ritual that the two of us follow every time we are together. She gingerly steps on me, always standing on the tip of her toes. Then she closes her eyes and gives out a low sigh before peering down at my screen. This is usually followed by a disappointed shriek. She then tries to draw her breath and tummy in, before glancing at the numbers again. Obviously, the readings do not change and she instantly gets off the scale, like a crisp golden bread slice popping out of a toaster.

I always wonder about these four things:

Why tiptoe on the scale? Does she think that standing on her toes instead of placing the entire feet on the scale would make her weigh any lesser?

What’s with the astonished shriek? Does Mrs. Google expect to be 20 pounds lighter every time she stands on me? Magically?

Then ‘inhaling deeply and tucking in of her tummy’ part! How is that ever going to bring down the numbers on scale? If anything, she’s only drawing in more air.

Also, what’s the hurry to get off from me? Will the pounds keep adding like the autorickshaw meter if she stands on me for 30 more seconds?

Ms. Kiran: Hmmm. So clearly, there are some issues here. Tell me, how often does she use you?

Weighing Scale: At least six times a day—with and without clothes, before and after meals, before going to bed, immediately after waking up, ahead of her morning walk and also after the leisurely stroll post dinner.

Ms. Kiran: Okay, let me just set the record straight. Is she…errr…fat?

Weighing Scale: Well, I’ll just say that based on her age, height and body type, she should ideally weigh somewhere between 58 and 62 kilograms. But she leans towards the heavier side. She is 36-24-36 + GST (linked to Aadhaar). Now you can do the math yourself as I am ethically bound not to reveal that.

But Kiran, let me tell you and everyone else who’s watching this, that Mrs. Google is not fat! She is just overweight. And there is a huge, huge difference between being fat and being overweight, especially for women.

Ms. Kiran: I agree. Weight is as sensitive an issue for women as age is, perhaps more so when it is slightly on the higher side. If it is impolite to ask a lady’s age, it is worse to peep into the weighing scale when she’s on it.

Well, you were telling me how Mrs. Google tried to lose weight, and there are some hilarious stories you have about that stint, right? So, tell us about her journey from fit to fat and then trying to be fit again.

Weighing Scale: Kiran, a few years back, Mrs. Google was much thinner. Well, maybe that’s a wrong choice of words. Let me rephrase, a few years ago, Mrs. Google was less overweight.

She used to comfortably wear size 10 and size 12 in some brands. Then things started to change. Currently, 80 per cent of her old clothes do not fit her anymore and this hasn’t changed in the last one year. Yet she clings on to them, hoping to fit into them once again. Someday.

Gradually, things started trending from bad to worse. Buttons started to pop out and large gaping areas were formed in her shirts, showing off what should be hidden. Zips refused to close till the end. And whatever she wore defined every curve, crevice and fold of her body.

She progressively inflated from every corner, angle and side—a 360-degrees all-round expansion. It was hard on both of us.

Ms. Kiran: Oh poor Mrs. Google and poor you too. Then what happened? Did she do anything about it?

Weighing Scale: Yes! So, one day, looking at herself in the full-length mirror, Mrs. Google swore aloud, “Enough is enough! This cannot be happening. I ought to get back into shape.” Immediately, she called her closest buddy, Ms. Kukki, who also suffers from this unfortunate affliction. Both of them decided to meet and discuss the way forward.

Ms. Kiran: Oh goodie! A little teamwork always helps. I’m sure they must have found a way to tackle the issue together.

Weighing Scale: Hah! You must listen to what they did. And don’t ask me how I got all the sordid details. I have my sources inside the house.

So, Ms Kukki arrived in that evening and they hugged and air-kissed like besties. While doing so, both women tried to gauge whose girth was wider. Once they settled down, Mrs. Google ordered the house help to make some adrak–wali chai and pyaaz-aloo bhajiyas as it was raining heavily. Lovely weather like this calls for a little celebration, she reasoned. She also instructed her help to bring along the butter-choco-walnut pound cake that her sister-in-law had brought from Dubai last week.

And it was over tea, bhajiya, cake and namkeen that the ladies discussed their woes and swore to take up an exercise routine ASAP. They chalked out a plan too, starting with brisk walking for 45 minutes and then gradually moving towards the gym, later in the week.

Ms. Kiran: Nice. Things are getting interesting. Then what happened?

Weighing Scale: As she visualised her soon-to-be-svelte figure with child-like glee, Mrs. Google was reminded that all her track pants and tees were either two sizes small or out of fashion. She instantly informed Ms. Kukki about the crisis. And within twenty minutes, both ladies were out to buy new workout clothes.

Seeing Mrs. Google’s dedication towards the new regimen, which was reflected in her eagerness to buy new fitness wear, an inspired Ms. Kukki decided to follow suit. After all, how can Mrs. Google shine away in her new, trendy, branded sportswear, while she lagged behind unnoticed in her three-months-old workout clothes?

After one-and-half hours of repeated trying, changing, selecting and discarding loads of ‘dry fit’ technology-enabled fitness wear, they came out of the mall armed with shiny shopping bags containing two pairs of slim-fit tights with contrasting and matching dry fit tees, neon coloured sport shoes, two pairs of socks, a water sipper, a post-workout windcheater and a gym bag. Mrs. Google and Ms. Kukki were all set to enter the world of fitness like divas!

On the way back, Mrs. Google even ordered a fitness tracker watch online and downloaded two exercise tracking apps on the phone to keep track of her fitness regimen.

Ms. Kiran: Hahaha! I can’t wait to hear what happened next. Carry on…

Weighing Scale: Kiran sweetie, now I will give you a detailed day-to-day account of how both ladies took on their workout regime. You better sit tight and listen up.

Day 1, 7.00 am: They met at a common point between their houses, all decked up in the shiny new gear. With sweat bands on, a hint of lip gloss for a fresh look and shoes laced up, both started walking briskly and chit-chatted all along. Due to the constant babble and energetic pace, they began to pant within 10 minutes. So, they slowed down to a dawdling stroll and completed the proposed 45 minutes.

Day 2, 7.00 am: The first day had been a great success for them as they managed to complete their walk, irrespective of the speed at which they finished it. Hi-fives were exchanged, and the women patted each other’s back. Motivated, they began day two, again with quick steps and relentless chit-chat. But soon the pace decelerated and, within 500 metres, they were breathless. Meanwhile, they crossed a spot where office goers stopped by to have their chai-sutta-nashta. The whiff of freshly made kachori and vada sambhar made the women go week on their knees. Mrs. Google looked at Ms. Kooki and raised an eyebrow suggestively. Ms. Kooki gestured her affirmation with a meaningful smile. Within five minutes, they were seated on the plastic stools outside the tapree, gorging on hot kachoris and sipping steaming adrak-wali chai.

Day 3, 7.00 am: Two days down, they were exhilarated. After all, they had succeeded in keeping up with the schedule. But already a little bored of simply walking, they decided to enter the society’s gym. Inside, they met several acquaintances and neighbours. The first 10 minutes were spent in casual catching up. However, the ladies made sure to ignore Mrs. Rana, who ate like a horse in all the kitty parties but still managed to look like a French bean (God knows how!). She was the obvious object of their scorn.

After socialising for a while and fixing their hair in the full-length mirrors mounted on the gym walls for a different purpose altogether, the ladies finally managed to drag themselves towards the cardio machines.

Speed: 4

Elevation: Flat

All through the ten minutes of their ‘light’ cardio, they kept cribbing about the bland song choice and the ineffective air-conditioning in the gym.

Calories burned – 38

Finishing their cardio, they sat down huffing and puffing. The gym instructor, a tall, handsome hunk, came over and asked them if they needed any help or if they would like to do some stretching.

Dumbstruck by his hotness and sets of packs that were clearly visible through his tight vest, they couldn’t say ‘no’, even though their legs were wobbly and begged for mercy. Mr. Instructor demonstrated a few basic stretching exercises and flaunted his own muscles. Trying their best to imitate his immaculate moves, they kept falling over in exhaustion and clumsiness. After four whole minutes of awkward stretching, the sweaty ladies found that the instructor was busy with other more dedicated disciples. Making the most of this opportunity, they bolted for the door.

Day 4, 7.00 am: By now, all the muscles of their body, not in the habit of stretching or working out, were sore and hurting. The duo decided to keep it ‘light’ and stick to plain walking. Walk to the tempting tapri. Gorge. And walk back.

Distance covered – 2 km

Calories burned – 70

Calories eaten – 250

Day 5, 7.00 am: Repeat performance of Day 4

Day 6, 6.30 am: As expected, their schedule didn’t last very long. And so, Ms. Kukki called Mrs. Google to inform that she wouldn’t be able to make it that day as it was a weekend and she wanted to sleep till little late. Obviously, Mrs. Google was more than happy to agree. She too receded under the covers and went back to her sweet slumber.

I knew from the very beginning that this wouldn’t last long, monotony would kill it and exercising incessantly would die a natural death.

Day 7: Nobody called anybody. And, as they say, sometimes no news is good news. The unannounced verdict found mutual consent.

The entire exercising routine was soon forgotten as Mrs. Google & Ms. Kukki chose painless mornings over demanding fitness. The whole ‘silly’ idea was thrown out of the window.

Ms. Kiran: Such a sad and tragic ending to a thoroughly amusing story. Did she try other methods of losing weight post this swiftly aborted exercise routine?

Weighing Scale: Well, after coming to terms that exercising was not her cup of tea, she tried her hand at all sorts of diets—starting with a weeklong GM diet, moving on to the low-carb Atkin’s diet, followed by the chhass only diet, then the most obnoxious cabbage soup diet, the much-celebrated vegan diet, keto diet, and even two days of the ‘cotton ball diet’, in which she dipped small balls of fluffy cotton into juices and smoothies and ate them up. Sadly, nothing passed the threshold of the experimentation phase of first few days.

Ms. Kiran: ‘Cotton ball diet’? Gosh, now this is incorrigible. So, did she give it all up finally?

Weighing Scale: Well, Mrs. Google has stopped experimenting with all the bizarre diets. Someone recently suggested to her ‘sniff the food’ technique. She is currently trying her luck with that. Less eating and more sniffing. I wonder how that will pan out for her.

Ms. Kiran: Hmmm… let’s see what that results in. Do keep me posted on that.

So, moving on, let’s play our exciting rapid-fire round. I will ask you a few questions and you have to answer them keeping Mrs. Google in mind. But remember, the replies have to be rapid and, of course, fiery!

Ready? So, here we go…what is Mrs. Google’s weight?

Weighing Scale: 62 + 8 – 40 + 50 – 2

Ms. Kiran: Very well. Tell us about her one secret that even Mr. Planet doesn’t know.

Weighing Scale: She secretly eat chocolates and candies. Mrs. Google stashes them at various covert places, like inside the vegetable compartment of fridge, in the lower most section of her cupboard, unused purses, side table of her bed, behind the spice rack and even in the loo.

Ms. Kiran: What does Mr. Planet say when Mrs. Google asks him if she is looking fat in a particular dress?

Weighing Scale: Oh, he has this one absolutely figured out and well-rehearsed. It’s always a big, compelling ‘NO’. The genuinely surprised and ‘are you kidding’ wala expression on his face is priceless.

Ms. Kiran: Has Mrs. Google ever shared her actual weight with anyone? If so, with whom?

Weighing Scale: Yes. To her doctor, dietician, personal trainer, a sales person for health insurance purposes, and one more sales guy at a bicycle shop, just so that he could give her the precise recommendations. Also, to a ride operator at an amusement park because the ride had to be correctly balanced. But for rest of the world, including Mr. Planet, it is a dark, well-guarded secret.

Ms. Kiran: Share a recent embarrassing incident of hers.

Weighing Scale: Last week, she met a friend after a long time. After shrieks of excitement and cheek-on-cheek air kissing, her friend stepped back and looking at Mrs. Google’s tummy, exclaimed, “Wow, looks like you have some good news there!”

Ms. Kiran: Hahaha! I am sure Mrs. Google wanted to strangle her.

Weighing Scale: You bet! Wait, I got one more. A few days back, she had to stand in a queue at the cash counter of a mall for almost half an hour due to some technical snag in the billing system. So, by the time things got working, she was visibly irritated. The woman behind the desk looked at her upset face and said, “I’m really sorry about your wait.” Without thinking much, courtesy to her bad mood, Mrs. Google snapped back, “You’re not so skinny yourself, madam. Mind you own business, please.” The poor girl did not even try to clarify her intent and resumed work but the ladies standing behind Mrs. Google were in splits. That’s when she realised what the girl had truly meant. She made a quick, embarrassed exit.

Ms. Kiran: OMG! That’s indeed funny.

Okay, tell us five things that make Mrs. Google flip out every time someone mentions in front of her.

Weighing Scale: Hmmm… Yoga, plus size clothing, health food, skinny jeans and people linking her allergies, acne and hair fall to her weight.

Ms. Kiran: If she wakes up as Katrina Kaif, she would….

Weighing Scale: If Mrs. Google wakes up as Katrina, she would go to her office and meet the big boss. She’d ask for a favour, which of course he would undoubtedly grant, she being Katrina for that moment. The favour would be double promotion and a separate cabin for a friend of hers, Mrs. Google.

Ms. Kiran: Haha, that would be a smart thing to do. Thanks a lot for being such a sport. You did very well. Our signature gift hamper, loaded with goodies is on the table next to you.

Now, before you leave, would you like to say something to her through our show?

Weighing Scale: I would like to tell Mrs. Google that although you eat less but you eat wrong. Having some extra weight is not that ‘fat’ an issue as you have made it to be. Being healthy and happy is more important than being thin and sad. So just remember, we all love you for the ‘weigh’ you are!

Next morning, while still in bed, I couldn’t stop laughing at last night’s dream. The incidents shared in it were all factual and indeed hilarious. My husband gave me a puzzled look, seeing me wake up in a happy-but-don’t–know-why state. Inching closer to him swapping my stupid grin with a seductive smile, I whispered, “Do you also love me for the ‘weigh’ I am?”

Perplexed by my unexpectedly amorous mood, barely an hour away from office time, he fumbled, “Of course darling, I love you the ‘way’ you are.”

Ah! If only men could ever understand what woman want (and mean).

My Stuff Speaks 

Author – Sania Siddiqui

Sample Chapter: Koffee with Kiran published first on https://parentcenternetwork.tumblr.com/

[podcastcoach]

Simply Sonic SS1 and Second Line Dix WordPress Theme Reviews

Simply Sound Company SS1 PreAmp Review

While I've never used any preamps like the Triton Audio Fethead Microphone Preamp or the Cloudlifter CL-1, I was really impressed with the amazing amount of boost to the sound.

The large dose of extra gain can make help a budget microphone/preamp combination sound clean and more professional. Some microphones such as the Heil Pr-40 and the Sure SM7B are known for really low outputs. This creates a situation where you have to turn the gain up on your mixer or recording device. This can leave the door open for added hiss depending on your mixer or recording device.

The Simply Sound SS1 is designed for dynamic microphones only.

More Clean Gain

Triton Audio Fethead provides 27 db of clean gain with a price for $89

Cloudlifter CL-1 provides 25 db of clean gain for $149

The Simply Sound SS1 - provide 27 db of gain for $99

The Simply Sound website shows the Fethead at a $149 price tag, but at BNH, I show a price of $89

My Opinion

As I had said, never using any preamp (besides the one in my mixer, and I've also used the DBX 286,  and the Aphex 230) even without a preamp, I never thought I sounded bad.

With that said, the concept makes sense. I know that when I turn the gain up on any mixer there comes a point where noise is introduced. Using the SS1, I basically turned my gain all the way down.

The construction is super rugged and resembles the Cloudlifeter all-metal casing (but cooler looking in black) you're not going to break this. You do need some phantom power (so a typical route might be to plug your microphone into the SS1. Then plug the ss1 into your mixer. The mixer would need to have the Phantom Power Turned on.

For my recording today I had my EV Re320 going into the SS1 and that went directly into the Zoom H5. It was an amazing amount of boost.

How I did the test. I set my levels using the H5 recorded some audio, removed the SS1 from the chain, and plugged it back into my Zoom H5 without touching any knobs.

Do you NEED this? As with all things podcasting, it depends. If you're happy with your audio, no. If you struggle to get enough signal into your recorder, or the sound has a fair amount of noise, then this is well worth the money.

Check it out at simplysound.co

Second Line Podcasting WordPress Theme

I no longer recommend Appendipity themes. This is a theme I loved and have on most of my websites. The face of the company Joey Kissimmee was last seen online in late 2016, and they are no longer replying to any support emails that I send. Unfortunately, this is not the first time I've done this. Semiologic was a cool theme until Thesis came out. Then they went from needing no knowledge of code to having to know a ton of code.

I really like Appendipity themes as there was a lot of flexibility (and no need for knowledge of code). I love the Divi theme, but they come close to having too much flexibility and people can get overwhelmed because it does everything (and the learning curve can be a bit large). Divi is a well-managed theme, with a huge community and awesome support. You can join Elegant Themes (the creators of Divi) for $89 a year. I did the one time fee of $249 for lifetime access. In addition to their themes, they have some cool plugins.

One thing I just discovered is when you purchase a Second Line Theme, you can only use it on one website. This puts it int the "Depends" situation. The good news there is a one time fee. On the Evanto market, it shows six months of support with extended support for $17.63 a year. If you have multiple sites (for me I have at least four) that can add up ($59 X 4 = $236).

Second Line Theme Support

So far Second Line support has been great answering all my questions. The theme I'm using (Dixie) is skewing my featured image. When I informed this of the problem, they told me exactly what to do if I wanted to edit some files. The means you're going to need to understand FTP, and not be afraid to edit some code (always make a backup of any files you are editing when it comes to theme code). I was surprised that the theme allowed a featured image to be skewed disproportional as I don't know ANY designer that would allow an image to be reshaped (and if you have any text on your image it makes it blurry).

The Power Of Elementor

While the Second Line theme makes it easy to set colors, headers, and the theme seems to make it possible to adjust everything (except a skewing featured image...) what I also found amazing was a free plugin that they recommend you use (and they have some built-in features for it ) called Elementor. This is an open source page builder (That looks a lot like, Divi). This will work with most themes, and its a super easy drag and drop page builder. The cool thing is you can use that plugin on any theme. 

Always Consider Your Source

I hear people that advise new podcasters and they try to sell people packages and strategies that work for them. The problem is they are not you. For example, as I have multiple websites, I might lean toward Divi over Second Line. If you had one website, then a like Dixie or Satchmo might be just the trick if you only have one website. It might be a better fit for you.

What Is Up With Libsyn Stats?

Libsyn rolled out new stats back on September 18th. Here are our blog posts that go over the stats changes: https://blog.libsyn.com/2017/09/18/stats-overhaul-iab-compliance-podcasts-stats-libsyn-company-announcement/ https://blog.libsyn.com/2017/09/18/libsyn-stats-overhaul-need-know/ NOTE:  Libsyn sent out an email to all Libsyn users on September 18th - if you did not see that email - you might want to check your spam folder.  It would have gone to the email registered to your Libsyn account.

Rob Walch  also talked about it more on our latest episode of the Libsyn Podcast: http://thefeed.libsyn.com/105-stats-follow-up-and-apple-podcasts-feed-tags The conversation starts right after the promo at the 52 Minute mark.

My Poker Game Analogy

Picture yourself at a poker game (a really, really big table)

Ben Robins, Audible.com

Lindsay Lawrence, WideOrbit

Ilwira Marciszek, AdLarge Media

Eurry Kim, New York Public Radio

Earl Swigert, WideOrbit

Yukifumi Touya, Digital Advertising Consortium Inc.

Hirofumi Kanda, Cyber Communications Inc.

Dan Misener, Pacific Content

Mohammad Al-Abdullah, RhythmOne

Jose Alvarez Muguerza, BlogTalkRadio

John Zoephel, Pandora

Kevin McCaul, Acast Stories USA

John Rosenius, Acast Stories USA

Ilham Elkatani, DoubleVerify

Steve Mulder, National Public Media

Stephen Haptonstahl, National Public Media

Candace Williams, BlogTalkRadio

David Marple, Triton Digital

Conrad Trautmann, Westwood One

Robert Peterson, Westwood One

Bob Charish, BlogTalkRadio

Jason Cox, Slate

Bosko Milekic, AdGear Technologies, Inc.

Francois Fortin, AdGear Technologies, Inc.

Andy Toh, BlogTalkRadio

Bruno Nieuwenhuys, Adswizz Inc

Rob Walch, Libsyn

Joel Withrow, Slate

Erik Barraud, Adswizz Inc

Erik Diehn, Midroll Media

Robert Freeland, Podtrac

Dan Jeselsohn, New York Public Radio

Angelo Mandato, RawVoice

Hugo Martel, Triton Digital

Tim Clarke, Cox Media Group

Greg Batusic, PodcastOne

Hernan Lopez, Wondery LLC

Allan Bressler, CBS Local

Norm Pattiz, PodcastOne

Kit Gray, PodcastOne

Jim Kott, WideOrbit

Rob Kass, Nielsen

Millie Mrvica, Westwood One

Jaime Singson, Sizmek

Kelli Hurley, Westwood One

Brian Lynch, Westwood One

Ryan Granner, ESPN.com

Joe Mead, ESPN.com

Skyler Tobey, ESPN.com

Jennifer Susalis, CBS Local

Silvia Mihailescu, Adswizz Inc

Stefan Olson, Minnesota Public Radio

Karim Rayes, RhythmOne

Todd Cochrane, RawVoice

Jean-Luc Wasmer, Triton Digital

Peter deVroede, Midroll Media

Todd Pringle, Midroll Media

Yi Huang, Condé Nast

Gregg Rogers, Sizmek

Alixandra Liner, New York Public Radio

Brett Robinson, National Public Media

The Interactive Advertising Bureau (IAB) empowers the media and marketing industries to thrive in the digital economy. Its membership is comprised of more than 650 leading media and technology companies that are responsible for selling, delivering, and optimizing digital advertising or marketing campaigns. They were up to deal the next hand and they stated that "downloads are wild" and everyone went "WHAT?" at the table and they didn't want downloads to be wild.

For the industry to be able to move forward, the table had to come together and decide on what would constitute a download. Their answer can be seen in this report. They are currently working on a second version.  If you were going to "Sit at the table" you had to agree to the terms and they all did.

Much like when the music industry went from Cassettes to CD's it was a pain. This meant we had to buy all of our favorite music again. But the audio was better. As a music listener, I had no choice but to buy a CD player. It's the way the industry went.

Could Libsyn communicate better? I guess so, there is always room for improvement. It gets tough as no podcast company is going to peel back the curtain 100% as if they tell you how they do their stats, you open the door for people to game the system. I personally don't know the formula (I just help you "drive the car" as a Libsyn support person, I don't build it). This is similar to the guy who throws the chicken in the Fryer at KFC. He knows hows to cook the chicken but has no idea what the 11 herbs and spices are.

The numbers are lower as the INDUSTRY (remember to poker table above) decided to move toward a number closer to the unique downloads

This is an Industry-Wide Situation

I did a test over the last few weeks, and I released an episode that had tracking from Libsyn, Podtrac, and Blubrry. In a recent episode of Podcast Ninja, Todd Cochrane explained how years ago Podtrac, Blubrry, and Libsyn came up with specs for an organization for the Association of Downloadable Media (it starts at the 11:44  mark ). So for years, Podtarac, Blubrry, and Libsyn were close in numbers. Fast forward to today and due to how apps are now consuming media it appears that the larger the file size, the greater your numbers were being inflated. So last week I sent out a file that I encoded at 320 kbps (DO NOT DO THIS) and here are my numbers after 24 hours.

Libsyn: 1193 Podtrac: 991 Blubrry 1748

If you click into the episode on Blubrry you will see the number of 1247 unique downloads which is closer to the IAB standard that Libsyn and Blubrry are using.

You Didn't Lose Your Audience

I know it is quite a blow to your ego to have the total number of downloads decline, in some cases, people are losing large amounts of their audience. The truth is the same people that listened to your last episode are listening to your current episode. The way it is reported is different. In a way, it's like if we all told time in minutes. There were 1440 minutes in a day, and then everyone decided to tell time in hours and agreed there are 60 minutes in an hour. So now there are 24 hours in a day. That sounds like a lot less than 1440, but I didn't lose any time. I just changed the way I report it.

Obviously, those who have CPM deals with advertisers are in a completely different situation. Remember that some of the people on the IAB technical board were from companies like Midroll, Adswizz and other advertising companies. It doesn't make it any better, but they should have an idea of why this is happening as they were they during the planning.

Yes it Sucks

As I said, any time your numbers go down, it hurts. Hang in there, they will go back up (if you look at the Edison research on podcast listenership on the graph there is one year where it shows the numbers went down - why? They changed the criteria). In the long run, the podcast industry will benefit from this move.

It Will Get Better

I was recently in the Libsyn headquarters in Pittsburgh PA, and I got a brief tour of the new stats. It looked very impressive as libsyn continues to bring you the best media hosting in the industry. Use the coupon code sopfree.

Start Podcasting in Six Weeks 

I'm bringing back the six-week group coaching class where we meet live on Saturdays and we walk through the whole process. You can start with zero, and by the end of February have a well researched, properly planned, properly executed podcast. To be first in line go to www.startpodcastinginsixweeks.com

Where Will I Be?

Big Podcasts - Nashville, TN

October 21st I will be attending the Big Podcast Event put on by David Hooper and Rik Roberts about growing your audience in Nashville Tennessee see bigpodcasts.com

DC Pofest - Washing DC

November 10-11, 2017 I will be in DC at DCPodfest speaking on "Is Your Podcast Making These Mistakes?"

Podfest Multimedia Expo - Orlando Fl

February 8-10 I will be presenting at the Podfest Multimedia Expo in Orlando Florida see podfest.us

Social Media Marketing World - San Diego, CA

The ultimate event on Social Media. I will be leading a panel on Podcast Monetization See Social Media Marketing World

Ready to Start Podcasting Now?

Step by step tutorials

Private Facebook Group

Priority Email Support

Live Group Coaching

$49/month or get two free months when you sign up for a year.

Go to www.schoolofpodcasting.com/start

Check out this episode!

[drtanstravels]

When we lived in New York we made a lot of good friends, one of whom was Anna’s colleague, Jesse McCann. In fact, it was Jesse who first found me work as a writer by showing my blog to his sister, Maia, who then offered me a job at littlethings.com and was my editor while I was working there.

Fast-forward through the 12 months since we returned to Singapore and Jesse had decided to relocate to Tampa, Florida, but was doing a bit of traveling; first, he looked around Ukraine, spent some time with family in Italy and was also planning to see some friends in Australia so it just made sense that he stop over and see us in Singapore. It was his first time in Southeast Asia so he also wanted to check out other places in the area and neither Anna nor myself had ever been to Laos, so we made a plan — Jesse would have a layover for one day in Taipei, Taiwan and then would arrive here on the night of Thursday, August 3. There were no direct flights to Laos from Singapore so Friday evening we would take a short flight to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia, stay there until Sunday afternoon and then fly out to Luang Prabang, Laos, from there and stay there until the following Thursday, August 10, and he would fly to Perth, Western Australia, from Singapore on Friday afternoon.

But we had something else on our plate on Tuesesday night; In July, Anna had been asked to film a segment for the TV health programme Body and Soul on channel 5 here in Singapore. Unfortunately, the only way I had of recording it was filming our television with my phone, but it still turned out alright. Anna said she was quite nervous during the taping, but I think she did a great job, she even had to do her own hair and make-up. Her segment was at the very end of the show, if you want to watch the whole episode you can do so here, otherwise this is what I recorded with my phone. It came out quite well, all things considered:

After it aired, Anna let out a great sigh of relief. Hopefully she gets to do a lot more TV work in the future. Anyway, on to the adventures.

Fake licences!

Thursday, August 3 Jesse arrived bearing gifts including a bunch of different cheeses from Italy and a fake Donald Trump Ukrainian driver’s licence that he bought off some guy in the street while he was there. He also tried to bring in Italian pickles, but they got confiscated by Taiwanese customs when he was in transit due to them containing liquid. Because he wouldn’t be spending much time in Singapore, we took Jesse to a Peranakan restaurant near our house so he could try some food that is pretty much impossible to have anywhere else in the world.

Friday, August 4 Jesse was a still battling jet-lag so we took it pretty easy. It was a slow workday for me, but Anna had to go in and operate so the two of us just took care of what needed to be done before we flew out that night. We walked Kermit down to the dog hotel, grabbed some noodles from Tiong Bahru Market, had a bit of a look around the neighbourhood and before long it was time to make our way to the airport. As per usual, getting through Changi Airport was smooth and completely hassle-free, but that is where the simplicity ended, as once we boarded the plane we knew we were in for an uncomfortable ride. Jesse is not much shorter than me and also has disproportionately long legs too, however, our seats were the very last row, which meant, not only could neither of us fit in the seats, they also didn’t recline. We would both be spending our albeit short flight sitting side-saddle and bolt-upright, a position that doesn’t make for a comfortable trip, but does lead to intense lower-back pain.

My view for the bulk of the flight

Anna took great pleasure in our discomfort

We just had to share the aisle

At least there was something worth reading on the flight…

Before long we arrived in Kuala Lumpur, walked several kilometres through the airport to go through immigration, jumped in a cab and made our way to the Wolo Hotel in Bukit Bintang, the same one we’ve stayed in the last few times we’ve been to Malaysia, including when I went over to hang out with my mate, Owen, at the beginning of the year. We checked in, then made our way down to Jalan Alor for dinner, which wasn’t too busy as it was already midnight, and then out for a couple of drinks and a shisha as we always do.

Saturday, August 5 Saturday was to be our only full day in KL so we wanted to do it properly, however, we had had a pretty late one the previous night and my back was killing me from the flight, a problem that is really starting to develop into a pattern. Still, complaining doesn’t make it any better so we hit the street.

First, we wanted to get coffee, however, the cafe downstairs in our building had closed down. I kind of felt responsible because last time I was there I found a dead snail in my salad and wrote about it here. I know nobody except for friends and family really reads this thing, but it is possible I may have contributed to the demise of Tous Les Jours. Then again, last time the service was shit, I received a deceased gastropod in my food and we really only wanted to go there this time out of sheer convenience. No great loss. Instead, we went to the huge hawker centre in the bottom of Lot 10 shopping mall and ordered a bunch of great local stuff for lunch, as well as coffee.

Once lunch was done we just walked around the area, looking at the shittier malls, cringing at some of the horrendous stuff for sale and laughing at the ‘Cheese Chicks,’ girls who were trying to look sexy while seductively trying to get people to buy cheese in the street. A few sights from the afternoon:

The entrance of the hawker centre

Anna tucking into lunch

Me battling with a chicken’s foot

and another

A small portion of the hawker centre

Who over the age of six would actually wear this?!?

Kuala Lumpur has been cleaned up a lot recently

“Do you come with the cheese?”

After wandering around the city we were starting to get a bit thirsty so Anna arranged for us to go to Sky Bar on the 33rd floor of the Traders Hotel. It was a nice place and had a great view of the Petronas Towers, but it is a little troubling when you are drinking and you need to navigate a very narrow walkway in order to get to your table and avoid falling in an indoor swimming pool. After the Sky Bar, we went back down to Jalan Alor and had dinner, this time when it was exceptionally busy so Jesse could see how it really is. After that it was back to the same bar as the previous night for drinks and a shisha again. It turned into an interesting night as what appeared to be a buck’s night showed up with a bunch of guys wearing dresses. One of them managed to get lucky and started making out with some girl while the live reggae band played so Jesse’s first full day drinking in a Muslim country concluded when a guy wearing a dress got it on with a girl in a bar while the band played song after song about weed in the background. Actually, the bands they had both nights were really good.

The view from the Sky Bar

Looking one way up the food street…

…and the other

Finishing dinner with a coconut each

Again, we couldn’t go too crazy, we had a flight at midday and we would need to give ourselves about an hour to get to the airport due to the unpredictable traffic in KL. Probably best to call it a night.

Sunday, August 6 We checked out of the Wolo, AKA. The Gothic Mariah Carey Insane Asylum, on time and called an Uber, but it kept changing direction on the map and the time until it would be arriving continued to increase, rather than become less because we realised some of the roads in the area were blocked off, but there was a taxi parked near where we were standing. Anna walked over and spoke to the driver, but we had a problem we hadn’t encountered in Kuala Lumpur in recent years — The driver flat out refused to use the metre. In the past, for some ridiculous reason taxi drivers in Malaysia wouldn’t use the metre, instead just naming an exorbitant price, especially when they saw a white passenger. They would rather just sit there and not make any money, all the while waiting to cash in on someone naively or desperately willing to give them more than they would normally make in one trip. It was so bad that I used to have to hide and let Anna do all the talking with the drivers, only to emerge once she had found one who was willing to do things the legal way, as opposed to just blatantly trying to rip us off. That all began to change when apps such as Uber and Grab came into play and the fare was pre-determined, because dodgy taxi drivers just simply didn’t get customers any more. This driver, however, assumed that we were desperate, as we were going to the airport and said he would only take us if the trip was a minimum of RM100 (approx US$23.00). Anna explained to the guy that we wouldn’t actually know that until we arrived and to stop being a dick and just use the metre unless, of course, he wants to just sit there, earning nothing whatsoever. He eventually relented and he was insane. This driver started bizarre conversations with me in the front seat about things he must’ve known I would have no idea about, such as random taxi driver dilemmas. His phone kept ringing with the most annoying ringtone, but at least he eventually pulled over to answer it. It was someone who wanted a ride in 10 minutes, but he was on his way to the airport and was absolutely flummoxed as to why the caller didn’t know that. I considered explaining that if he did indeed know what the driver was doing, he was either already in the cab or was able to telepathically communicate with him, thus ruling out the need to make a phone call, but I didn’t want to enter another conversation with this guy, I just wanted to get to the airport.

Looking at the Mekong as we approached the airport in Luang Prabang

We eventually arrived at Kuala Lumpur International Airport unscathed, checked in, ate, and boarded our flight, this time allocated seats we could actually fit in. The flight took about three hours, plus Luang Prabang was an hour behind Kuala Lumpur, so we would have plenty of time to check the place out once we were out of the airport. That was our next worry. We could apply for a Laotian visa in advance or get one on arrival and Jesse and myself opted for the latter option, Anna didn’t need one due to possessing an ASEAN passport. The process was a strange one, not so much for us, but for other people entering the country, costing US$30 for Australians and US$35 for United States citizens, all accompanied by a US$1 processing fee. I have no idea what Canada did to piss Laos off so much, but they had to pay US$42 for a visa, which was even more than Afghanistan! Another potential fee was if you didn’t have a passport-sized photo there was a fee of US$1 to copy the one out of your passport. We came prepared, but plenty didn’t, with the customer in front of me breaking a $20 note to pay this fee and receiving 19 $1 notes as change. Further problems arose for those that didn’t have any American dollars, as the airport didn’t accept the local currency, Laotian kip, or any form of electronic payment. The only ATM was located outside the airport, but fortunately the employees were quite trusting because they just let people walk right through immigration and customs, exit the airport, past the taxi stand and go to the ATM, only to re-enter the arrivals area and pay for their visas.

Getting our visa’s was relatively hassle-free and Anna had planned ahead and called for a driver to take us to where we would be spending the next few days, the My Dream Boutique Resort. When the van arrived the interior had that weird datedness that affects things made in the past that were intended to appear futuristic, which is always amusing. The ride from the airport to the resort was only about 10 minutes and when we arrived, My Dream Resort was better than we expected, located off the road and backing on to the Nam Khan river, away from the main town so it was nice and quiet. This should give you the general idea of our first impressions of Luang Prabang:

Luang Prabang International Airport

What we flew in on

A small portion of the ceiling of our weird van

Inside our room

The view from the balcony

We would end up walking across that bridge several times a day

People working near the river

Our view of Utopia Bar

We’ve traveled around the surrounding countries to a decent extent, but we didn’t really know a whole lot about Laos, but here is a little background information about Luang Prabang:

Louangphabang or Luang Prabang, literally meaning “Royal Buddha Image”, is a city in north central Laos, consisting of 58 adjacent villages, of which 33 comprise the UNESCO Town Of Luang Prabang World Heritage Site. It was listed in 1995 for unique and “remarkably” well preserved architectural, religious and cultural heritage, a blend of the rural and urban developments over several centuries, including the French colonial influences during the 19th and 20th centuries. The centre of the city consists of four main roads and is located on a peninsula at the confluence of the Nam Khan and Mekong River. Luang Prabang is well known for its numerous Buddhist temples and monasteries. Every morning, hundreds of monks from the various monasteries walk through the streets collecting alms. One of the city’s major landmarks is Mount Phou Si; a large steep hill which despite the constrained scale of the city, is 150 metres (490 ft) high; a steep staircase leads to Wat Chom Si shrine and an overlook of the city and the rivers. Currently, the population of the city as a whole is roughly 56,000 inhabitants with the UNESCO protected site being inhabited by around 24,000.

When I initially posted on Facebook that we were going to Laos, Tim Howard, a friend of mine who had lived in Laos for about a decade, told me to enjoy the good food and cheap beer so we decided that would be the first thing we would do. Directly across from the resort was a dingy old noodle store that was closed, but we knew we would be going there for breakfast on an almost daily basis. Instead we crossed the extremely rickety bridge on the way into town, of which we had to walk along the outside and would’ve been condemned in most counties. Jesse wasn’t used to this type of thing so he was a bit nervous crossing it, but you just need to tread carefully. We made it across safely and stopped off at a store along the way for roasted pig’s ear, roast duck and noodles. Pig’s ear is one of those things you shouldn’t knock until you try, I have eaten it a ton of times and love it, but this was one of the best ones I had ever had! After the ear we made our way into town and just wandered around, checking out the area, looking at the temples and just generally seeing the sights, including Mount Phou Si:

Mount Phou Si is a 100 m high hill in the centre of the old town of Luang Prabang in Laos. It lies in the heart of the old town peninsula and is bordered on one side by the Mekong River and on the other side by the Nam Khan River. The hill is a local religious site, and houses are several Buddhist shrines. Halfway up the hill, overlooking the Nam Khan is Wat Tham Phou Si, a Buddhist temple. At the summit of the hill, overlooking the town and surrounding countryside, is Wat Chom Si, which is also a Buddhist temple and is a tourist highlight of Luang Prabang.

A taste of what we encountered:

The scenery as we walked into town

Making Jesse spend more time than he wanted on the bridge

We had to walk down the side, I can see how some would be intimidated

Where we got the pig’s ear

delicious!

The gateway to a wat

One of many old temples

Not sure if falling or just not built straight

There are plenty of sculptures like this, too

In front of a wat with Anna

Giant gong

Monks just doing their thing

Anna on another bridge

Looking down from Mount Phou Si

After walking around and climbing hills for a couple of hours, we were a little parched so we pulled up a seat in a bar and just watched the world go by. We hadn’t been in Laos long, but there were already quite a few things that we found surprising. First of all was how clean the streets were, especially when compared to those in many cities in other Southeast Asian countries. Sure, there were some stray dogs walking around, but they weren’t going through garbage bags, mainly because there weren’t any, and they also seemed quite clean and well-fed, even the one with the exceptionally long nipples that swayed in the breeze. Another thing that struck us was how well many people here spoke English and, for some inexplicable reason, how many signs were translated into Korean.

We felt rejuvenated after a couple of beers so we decided to get moving again, this time to the Night Market. The night market is like most night markets, it opens every night and sells local clothes, souvenirs and has a massive food section. We looked around the never ending rows of cheap t-shirts, baggy pants with elephants on them, and ugly ornaments aimed at tourists to prove that they’ve been here so we decided to check out the food, even though we weren’t overly hungry after eating only a couple of hours earlier. Jesse had heard about Lao sausages, local sausages made from coarsely chopped fatty pork or buffalo and seasoned with lemongrass, galangal, kaffir lime leaves, shallots, coriander, chillies, garlic, salt and fish sauce. We had intended to pick some of these up from the start, they weren’t difficult to come across and they were spectacular! We had one spicy pork and one buffalo, just wandering through past the food stalls as we ate slice of them. We would be back at the market to eat properly at some stage, that’s for sure. We decided to finish our night at Utopia Restaurant and Bar, the giant outdoor bar across the river from where we were staying. We walked through the endless laneways of backpacker dormitories and private residences to get to the open-air haven for hippies and the great unwashed, pulled up some seats at a table near a bunch of mats on a cane floor jutting over the hillside, with our view of the river unimpeded by any type of rail or barrier and kicked back with some drinks, Beerlao poured directly out of a cooler for me and cask-wine for Anna and Jesse. We came to learn over the course of our trip that a lot of wine in Luang Prabang comes from a cask and they have no qualms at all telling you that it is goon. I felt like a teenager again! A look back at dinner and drinks:

Our view from the bar

Okay, so Tits McGee here didn’t seem all that clean, but the other dogs did

Lao sausages…

…and the woman who made them

More food options

Might get these next time

Our view of the river from Utopia

Seems a little hippie-ish

What looks like a tiny Anna holding my arm in the back of the tuk-tuk on our way home

Another thing we came learn was that bars close at 11pm. A couple of young, drunk backpacker chicks threw their floor mats toward the river in protest at the curfew, but we were a little tired anyway so we happily walked back to the road, grabbed a tuk-tuk and made our way back to the resort.

Monday, August 7 Anna sometimes tends to have a tough time relaxing and Jesse was still a little jet-lagged so we decided to have an easy day on Monday. Jesse woke up early and went to gym in the town in the morning so Anna and myself grabbed a coffee each and just kicked back in the hotel bar. When Jesse returned we walked down to the noodle place across the road from where we were staying. We knew this place was going to be great for several reasons, the first being that it didn’t really have a sign or even a name, there were no menus, the local police eat there, and they only made one dish — Pork noodles. We certainly weren’t disappointed, however, there is no way to recommend the place to anyone that might be visiting Luang Prabang other than saying if you are staying in the main city, cross the small red bridge across the Nam Khan river, take the first street on the left and about 50 metres down the road it will be on the right.

We were now fuelled up and ready to go into town for a bit of a saunter around the place with no real itinerary or purpose. We checked out a few other temples, a cool local art gallery and then went to a fish spa. If you have ever been to a fish spa before, you will know it is one of the most ticklish experience you have ever had, but if not, this will give you an idea:

Garra rufa, also called doctor fish, is a small species of cyprinid fish that is native to rivers, streams, ponds and lakes in the Anatolia and Middle East. Since the early 21st century, Garra rufa have been integrated into a spa treatment where they feed on the skin of patients with psoriasis. While the doctor fish treatment has been found to alleviate the symptoms of psoriasis, the treatment is not curative, and no cure for psoriasis currently exists. The use of the fish as a spa treatment for the wider public is still widely debated on grounds of efficacy and validity. The practice is banned in several of the states in the United States and Canadian provinces as cosmetology regulators believe the practice is unsanitary, with the Wall Street Journal saying that “cosmetology regulations generally mandate that tools need to be discarded or sanitized after each use. But epidermis-eating fish are too expensive to throw away”.

Anna and myself had both had a fish spa before, although I had only had it done once before our wedding six years ago so I had completely forgotten how much it tickled. Maybe it was because I was closest to the sunlight, perhaps it was just because my feet were the most disgusting, but all of the fish flocked to my hooves, leaving me wriggling, squirming and giggling for a full 10 minutes until the procedure was finished. The only way I could minimise the feeling was to let my mind wander and think about things like why toothpaste isn’t called ‘teethpaste,’ but soon enough it was all over. I noticed afterward that my feet were a little too smooth, making every step I took look like the beginning of Tom Cruise’s shirt-and-socks dance scene in the film Risky Business. Anna and Jesse decided to get a foot massage after the fish spa so I just kicked back and relaxed, then we went and grabbed a coffee across the road at the 3 Nagas hotel.

Besides that, we really didn’t do a whole lot. Jesse was still suffering from jet-lag so he went back to the resort after dinner, but one of my drinking buddies in Singapore, Tom Cargill, recommended a place called Icon Klub, his favourite bar in town and one which just happened to be directly across the road from where we had been eating. Unfortunately, it was closed due to the owner dealing with a medical emergency, so Anna and I just went back to Tangor, a great bar to enjoy a few quiet ones.

Waiting for our noodles while the local police eat

Anna in the noodle store

How they arrive

How they look after I add chili and vegetables

Glad we just ordered bottled water

The store from the outside

Royal Palace Museum

A temple

One gold-plated wall inside the temple

The other gold-plated wall

A monk just doing his thing

This painting in the gallery looked brilliant up close

Fish love my feet

Outside 3 Nagas

The banner for where Tom told us to go

Anna’s choice of goon carafes

Mine and Anna’s view for the night

Yet again we were kind of thankful for the town’s 11pm curfew on this particular night because we couldn’t go crazy; we had a lot planned the following day and had to get up reasonably early if we wanted to fit it all in.

Tuesday, August 8 We had had our relaxing day yesterday, now we needed to have one of those days where Anna plans to cram as much as possible into one day. The first thing we were going to do was take a rather long boat ride down the Mekong to the Pak Ou caves so let’s check out Wikipedia once again for a little background information:

Near Pak Ou (mouth of the Ou river) the Tham Ting (lower cave) and the Tham Theung (upper cave) are caves overlooking the Mekong River, 25 km to the north of Luang Prabang, Laos. They are a group of two caves on the west side of the Mekong river, about two hours upstream from the centre of Luang Prabang, and have become well known by tourists. The caves are noted for their miniature Buddha sculptures. Hundreds of very small and mostly damaged wooden Buddhist figures are laid out over the wall shelves. They take many different positions, including meditation, teaching, peace, rain, and reclining (nirvana).

We were driven to the part of the Mekong where the three of us would board our long but narrow boat upon which a man and a teenage boy in a Korn t-shirt would take us on our lengthy trip up the river, past beautiful mountain scenery with farmers working the land and wild goats, poultry and buffalo grazing in the pastures as bloated dead pigs floated past us in the water. When we eventually arrived at the caves we made our way up the steep steps, high-fiving local children along the way, but I have to admit, the caves were somewhat anticlimactic. Don’t get me wrong, the Buddha statues were impressive, but the way people spoke of these caves led us to expect an entire cave network like we ventured through in Hungary, but instead we were taken to two large crevasses in a cliff face. The ride out there was nice, but it was a long way to go to hang out for 15 minutes while backpackers with dreadlocks posed with their tongues out for photos in front of Buddha statues, as botoxed and collagen-injected women who wanted to give off a similar vibe while being physically unable to rough it took endless selfies. We took a look around and a quarter-of-an-hour later we were once again on the boat to make our way back, our buttocks now aching from the hardwood seats. Still, it was nice and here are some photos:

This is the type of boat we were on

We had a long trek ahead of us

Looking upstream

The scenery was breathtaking

I don’t think I’ve ever seen wild chickens before

Arriving at the caves

Looking back at the boats

Following Anna up the stairs

Just some of the Buddha statues

More…

Still more

Further in the cave

Jesse taking a breather on the way to the upper cave

Local kids just hanging out

on our way to the upper cave

Looking out from the cave

On our way back

We got back to the town for lunch, went back to the resort to grab our swimming gear and then it was on to our next touristy mission; a long and bumpy tuk-tuk ride in the opposite direction of the caves to relax at the Kuang Si Falls.

Our tuk-tuk ride took us through small towns and farmland that looked like it hadn’t changed at all in over 100 years and when we arrived at the falls we were surprised to find that the first thing we would encounter there was a black bear sanctuary. There were quite a few bears in there too, some just hanging out, relaxing on platforms and one laying on its back in a puddle, playing with a large log. It was only when the log hit it in the head that we realised that particular bear was missing one of its front legs. We made our way to the turquoise waters of the falls where we noticed a direct correlation between the further the pool was up the hill and the number, age, and weight of the swimmers. I’m not a fan of crowds or kids so we decided to play the role of the fatter individuals in a pool closer to the top of the falls. I hate it when people say the water is nice “once you’re in,” but that is exactly how it was. It was initially freezing and generally I take a long time getting into water, letting each of the five areas most sensitive to cold water, being the back of the knees, upper thighs, testicles, ribs, and nipples, all have ample time to acclimatise equally. That wasn’t to be on this occasion, however, as I stepped off a hidden underwater ledge and went straight from knees to neck, my penis resembling a press-stud immediately as a result. Anna and Jesse can swim, whereas I can’t, but I have the gift of height so I was able to walk around to the rock where they were hanging out next to the rapids.

The three of us were gathered around a rock in the water, Jesse on it and Anna and myself holding onto tree roots and branches in the water, just chatting and discussing the people around us, such as the guy with ridiculous facial hair who put on a go-pro and decided to dive into the water without checking how deep it was or the Korean men who all wore fluorescent life vests and took hundreds of selfies, their phones encased in waterproof covers and tied around their necks. We were having a great time when in the blink of an eye, Anna and Jesse were a lot further away than they were before, swiftly getting smaller and disappearing into the distance, Anna pointing and laughing the entire time. I had somehow managed to lose my grip and got swept away by the rapids, the only thing stopping me was the rock I eventually washed into. I regained my composure and made my way back to the other rock, where we would stay until dark clouds started to come over. We got out and I went to get changed in the only vacant change room there, only to be greeted by a used sanitary pad on the ground. Traveling back to the resort in wet shorts was a small sacrifice to make.

A bit of what we saw that afternoon:

Passing a farm on the way to the falls

Out the other side of the tuk-tuk

A small town at the entry-point for the falls

Some unexpected companions

The three-legged guy

Just taking in the view

More of the general area

Hanging out with Anna

If you want to relax, just go to this place

Seriously

We made our way back to the resort and decided to eat again at the market. It was at this time that Jesse and I decided to take part in…

The 100,000 Kip Challenge

I’ve mentioned not only in this one, but also in previous posts, about how backpackers and hippies in these type of places are kind of annoying. If it’s just people that are out for a good time and traveling on a budget, then that’s cool, more power to them. It’s the irritating ones that are trying to “find themselves” that give me the shits. If you’ve traveled around anywhere tropical before, but especially this part of the world, you’ve almost certainly encountered them. They’re the annoying, usually wealthy ones who got tired of the life of luxury they were dealt and went to discover and immerse themselves in how the other half live, think they are more knowledgable about where they are staying than the locals, meditate, go on spiritual journeys, teach yoga classes, play hacky sack, that type of thing. These people tend to have a kind of “uniform” so over the course of this trip we devised a point scheme for identifying them:

Baggy pants such as the ones Anna is wearing in the cave pictures = 1 point 

*Same pants, but with elephants printed on them = 3 points

Plain singlet = 1 point

Local souvenir t-shirt or singlet = 1 points

*T-shirt or singlet advertising local beer = 2 points

Headband or bandana = 1 point

*Yellow headband or bandana = 2 points

Hair in braids = 1 point

Wooden beaded bracelet =1 point

Low slung backpack with similar pattern to baggy pants = 1 point

Henna tattoo = 2 point

Unkempt beard = 2 points

Manbun = 3 points

Tribal tattoo = 3 points

Birkenstocks = 3 point

Traditional Thai tattoo similar to what Angelina Jolie has on her shoulder blade = 5 points

Dreadlocks = 7 points

Hacky sack = 9 points

A score of 10 or more equated to the uniform of these annoying assholes. Obviously, some variations of certain objects, marked with an asterisk, are worth slightly more than other versions of the same item, but that’s just the sad reality of life.

4

  The local currency in Laos is kip (LAK), US$1.00 is currently equal to roughly 8293 Kip, so Jesse and I set ourselves a limit of 100,000 kip, about US$12.00, to purchase what we could from the market to come as close to that 10-point threshold as we could and wear around on our last day in town on Thursday. After eating more sausages, some chicken wings and a fish at the market, we walked around through all of the clothing stalls trying to find attire that would make Jesse and myself look irritating, but the best I could muster up was a measly score of four, one that could have been a seven had any of my tattoos been tribal or a possible nine if I could actually grow a beard, as is evident in the photo Anna took of me modelling my new apparel in the bathroom when we got back to the resort (right). As you can also see, the story is the same in Laos as it is in other parts of Asia in that I can’t buy clothes that fit, thus my pants aren’t particularly baggy due to them being too small, not even reaching my ankles, however, my yellow headband does feature elephants. Still, not a bad deal, the headband, t-shirt and pants for a total of exactly 100,000 kip, it’ll be interesting to see what Jesse managed to find.

Wednesday, August 9 Wednesday turned into another relatively easy day. Anna and myself aren’t particularly morning people and we all wanted to visit the Royal Palace Museum, but it only opens from 8:00 – 11:30am and then again from 1:30pm – 4:00pm so we just hung out in the pool until Jesse got up, then we went across the road for noodles again, eating while chickens roamed around us.

Inside the shisha bar

When it was time we made our way to the Royal Palace Museum, however, when we arrived Jesse and myself weren’t allowed to enter due to the fact we were wearing shorts, which was a little strange because there were a lot of tourists from mainland China wearing shorts in there. Oh well, we’d just have to return the next day in the gear we bought from the market, they’d have to let us in wearing that. Instead, Anna and Jesse opted for a 90 minute massage which equated to about two hours of beers for me. They both eventually joined me, then we moved on to another place for a few more drinks before dinner. We found a place after dinner that had shishas and cheap drinks so we went and hung out down there when we had finished eating. My stomach was feeling a little strange, but  there was a private toilet in the bar so I went about business, dropped a Loperamil tablet and forgot about it for the night. We just sat back, had a few drinks, smoked our shisha and chatted to the locals on the next table while some overweight guy wandered around outside in nothing but his underwear, looking somewhat like a Laotian version of Randy from Trailer Park Boys.

Randy

Laotian Randy pimping himself out for cheeseburger’s again

The bar was fun, but as usual it had to close early, but this time it was at around midnight. That was probably a blessing in disguise for Jesse, as he had slightly overdone it on the soju and had somehow gone from zero to shit-faced in no time at all. He took a tuk-tik back to the resort, however, Anna and myself wanted to keep going. Luckily for us we had heard about a bowling alley out of town that can stay open until the early hours of the morning so people just rock up there, get drunk and go bowling. That sounded like a great way of spending our final night in town. We took a tuk-tuk out there and when we went in it was exactly what we expected; cheap, rundown, and a lot of fun. There were no shoes my size and most of the ones for hire looked like they had been there since the 1970s so we just went barefoot, chugging beers as we went. We had time to play three games, over which neither of us was able to crack 100. Yes, we are phenomenally shit at bowling, but worse when tipsy.

Pretty grimy

The bar where you pay for games and buy beers

I’m glad none of them fit

Anna attempting to hit something

God, we’re bad at bowling

Another gutter-ball

Others in the same predicament

Good thing she doesn’t have a thing for bowlers…

…because I’m terrible

I’m just glad I was Player 1 (this was our third game at about 2:00am)

In the tuk-tuk home

It was pretty late when we took a tuk-tuk home, but we were still prepared to tackle that museum the following day before we left, resplendent in our backpacker gear.

Thursday, August 10 It turned out that the museum plan wasn’t to be for me. No, I wasn’t hungover, but whatever was messing with my stomach the night before had turned into a full-on illness, most likely some type of virus, as opposed to food poisoning, which left me with no energy, aching legs and the ability to shit through a sponge for more than a week afterward. I had been careful, not drinking the water, brushing my teeth with bottled water and avoiding salads, but this thing knocked me off my feet and the rest of the day is a blur.

Jesse (sans headband) and the reigning champion 

Anna and Jesse still made it to the museum and Jesse kept up his end of the deal on the 100,000 Kip Challenge, scoring a solid 5, however, a point should be deducted due to the fact that he forgot to wear his headband. He also decided to take the opportunity to have his photo taken next to a person who was essentially the benchmark of what we were trying to achieve, scoring at least a very respectable 12 from what I can make out in the photo, he just has the wrong kind of backpack. Anyway, we flew out from Laos that afternoon direct to Singapore and that was the end of our trip. Jesse stayed that night at our place before flying out to Perth, Australia, the following morning to meet up with a few more people while he was on this side of the globe.

It was great catching up with Jesse, thanks a lot for the Trump ID and the cheese, it’s delicious, and if you want to go to a Southeast Asian country that is nice and relaxed, clean, and not yet corrupted by tourism, check out Laos.

Taking a Friend Around Southeast Asia When we lived in New York we made a lot of good friends, one of whom was Anna's colleague, …

[fic-dreamin]

5.0 out of 5 stars Another great episode of the Dark Tower story!

5.0 out of 5 stars An Excellent Addition to Dark Tower Lore (*spoilers included*) The Battle of Jericho Hill is the fifth series of Marvel's Dark Tower comics, and it's my favorite one since the first. The previous few have drifted farther and farther from Stephen King's novels, fleshing out Roland's past by elaborating on fragments of ideas from the books. This series might have been King's baby, as he mentioned in interviews that one of the first things he imagined when approached by Marvel about the project was his desire to see this very battle illustrated. Set nine years after Gilead's fall to John Farson, Roland and his fellow gunslingers have an encampment at Jericho Hill, but are beset by Farson after being betrayed by a gunslinger named Randolph. As written in King's books, Alain is gunned down by Roland and Cuthbert, Cuthbert is killed after being shot through the eye, and a gravely injured Roland is left for dead after the massacre. In addition, some key plot holes are filled in, one when Marten transforms into Walter, who himself takes the disguise of a monk, revealing clearly that all of these characters are one and the same. King never really comes flat out and states this quite as directly as it is in this series. Also, Roland proclaims at one point that he and his ka-tet will pursue Marten to punish him for his hand in all of the death and destruction, which includes a Beam that was damaged when Gilead fell. Roland vows that they will reach the Dark Tower, and demand a restoration of all that has been lost. These statements are the clearest declarations of Roland's intents and motivations ever articulated. The book has its flaws, usually stemming from added characters or corny narration, but with The Battle of Jericho Hill, the good far outweighs the bad.Read more › Go to Amazon

4.0 out of 5 stars This illustrated version has formatting problems on my apps The content of this illustrated book is very good, following the treasured Dark Tower story of Stephen King. Unfortunately, there are pages I can't read because the pages are too small on my Android tablet. Those I can read are wonderful. There is no sizing ability that I can find for the pages except for font size, which has no effect on images such as these.I tried to bring this book up on my computer with the Kindle app thinking it might be large enough to read all the pages, however, I simply received an error saying it couldn't load this format. It's possible that an authentic Kindle tablet would allow re-sizing, however I can't verify that.I love the Dark Tower story well enough that I don't regret purchasing these books but it would be helpful if all the pages were readable. Go to Amazon

5.0 out of 5 stars The end of the beginning We faithful readers of the Dark Tower books have always wondered about the battle of Jericho Hill, which was mentioned many times in the novels but never gone into in depth. What we did know was that this was a climactic battle, and the forces of evil defeated the dedicated band of gunslingers, leaving only Roland to survive. There was also mention of the horn of Arthur Eld, without more explanation. This excellent graphic novel fills in the details of this sad portion of the Dark Tower saga. Once again we have excellent scripting and tremendous artistry combined to present to the reader a complete and engrossing book, even if we are not pleased with how the plot goes. It's compelling and, as usual with these works, the reader is hooked from the first page and just goes through the whole book in one sitting. It's a work that should satisfy even the most rabid King fan, and it gives us the background knowledge to more fully understand the Dark Tower mythology. I assumed that this book would take us to the beginning of the first Dark Tower novel, but I see now that is not the case. That being said, prepare for further volumes in this timeless tale that will eventually take us to when "the man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed". Go to Amazon

5.0 out of 5 stars When Gilead falls so do parts of one of the Beams In the comic books adapted from Stephen King's "Dark Tower" series, Gilead has been crumbling away for a long time now... but it's still a wrench when it's gone. And in "Dark Tower: The Battle of Jericho Hill," we see what is left after it falls -- a wrenching bloody battle, a bleak rotted world, and the strength of a young man who loses everything.Gilead is gone forever, Midworld is "dying," and the only remnants of it are Roland Deschain and his ragtag ka-tet. Roland's plan: to reach the legendary Dark Tower and use its power "to set things aright," by following the Beam. And nine years later, Roland and the ka-tet reunite on Gilead's ruins, and form a half-hidden rebellion bent on bringing down Farson.But he is not the only danger to them -- slow mutants, crazy cults, bandits. Worst of all, one of Roland's men has been blackmailed into a treacherous pact with Walter O'Dim, and for the sake of his child he has turned against his own friends. And at long last, the battle comes to the ka-tet at Jericho Hill...There's a line in the fourth chapter that sums up this entire comic book -- "Sometimes you think you see the light, and you think the dawn is coming... and so you don't realize that, in fact, the darkness is laughing at you because it knows it's closing it." At first it seems like the worst is behind Roland and Co., and there might even be a small sliver of hope.But of course, anyone who knows what's ahead for Roland knows what will happen in this story. Using King's book as source material, Robin Furth produces four chapters of Robin-Hoodesque fighting and training in secret, and a fifth chapter that is the stuff of Shakespearean tragedy -- murky, blood-spattered battles in which Roland loses even more people that he loves.Read more › Go to Amazon

[evodex]

Sample Chapter: Koffee with Kiran

DREAM #2

The setup: There is an opulent set inside a recording studio. Vividly coloured plush couches and sofas are placed across the floor which complemented the weird graphic art and mood lighting all around. The shoot is about to begin and the production crew scurries across the floor, making last-minute adjustments. The host, a celebrated producer-director and third-generation Bollywood royalty, Ms. Kiran, walks in. She takes her seat on the awkwardly constructed sofa and welcomes the guest, who is, of course, none other than my weighing scale.

Roll, camera, action!

Ms. Kiran: Hello and welcome to yet another exciting episode of Koffee with Kiran. Our guest tonight is a significant gadget, which has numerous amusing stories to tell about its user, Mrs. Google. So, let’s welcome and hear it from the Weighing Scale!

Weighing Scale: Thank you so much. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Ms. Kiran: Why don’t you start by telling us a little about yourself and your user Mrs. Google.

Weighing Scale: Well, as you have already introduced me, I am Mrs. Google’s weighing scale. I have been with her for almost six years now. There is a ritual that the two of us follow every time we are together. She gingerly steps on me, always standing on the tip of her toes. Then she closes her eyes and gives out a low sigh before peering down at my screen. This is usually followed by a disappointed shriek. She then tries to draw her breath and tummy in, before glancing at the numbers again. Obviously, the readings do not change and she instantly gets off the scale, like a crisp golden bread slice popping out of a toaster.

I always wonder about these four things:

Why tiptoe on the scale? Does she think that standing on her toes instead of placing the entire feet on the scale would make her weigh any lesser?

What’s with the astonished shriek? Does Mrs. Google expect to be 20 pounds lighter every time she stands on me? Like, magically?

Then, ‘inhaling deeply and tucking in of her tummy’ part. How is that ever going to bring down the numbers on scale? If anything, she’s only drawing in more air.

Also, what’s the hurry to get off from me? Will the pounds keep adding like the autorickshaw meter if she stands on me for 30 more seconds?

Ms. Kiran: Hmmm. So clearly, there are some issues here. Tell me, how often does she use you?

Weighing Scale: At least six times a day—with and without clothes, before and after meals, before going to bed, immediately after waking up, ahead of her morning walk and also after the leisurely stroll post dinner.

Ms. Kiran: Okay, let me just set the record straight. Is she…errr…fat?

Weighing Scale: Well, I’ll just say that based on her age, height and body type, she should ideally weigh somewhere between 58 and 62 kilograms. But she leans towards the heavier side. She is 36-24-36 + GST (linked to Aadhar). Now you can do the math yourself as I am ethically bound not to reveal the real numbers.

But Kiran, let me tell you and everyone else watching this show that Mrs. Google is not fat! She is just overweight. And there is a huge, huge difference between being fat and being overweight, especially for women.

Ms. Kiran: I agree. Weight is as sensitive an issue for women as age is, perhaps more so when it is slightly on the higher side. If it is impolite to ask a lady’s age, it is worse to peep into the weighing scale when she’s on it.

Backstage you were telling me how Mrs. Google tried to lose weigh, and there are some hilarious stories you have about that stint, right? So, tell us about her journey from fit to fat and then trying to be fit again.

Weighing Scale: Kiran, a few years back, Mrs. Google was much thinner. Well, maybe that’s a wrong choice of words. Let me rephrase, a few years ago, Mrs. Google was less overweight.

She used to comfortably wear size 10 and size 12 in some brands. Then things started to change. Currently, 80 per cent of her old clothes do not fit her anymore and this hasn’t changed in the last one year. Yet she clings on to them, hoping to fit into them once again. Someday.

Gradually, things started trending from bad to worse. Buttons started to pop out and large gaping areas were formed in her shirts, showing off what should be hidden. Zips refused to close till the end. And whatever she wore defined every curve, crevice and fold of her body. She progressively inflated from every corner, angle and side—a 360-degrees all-round expansion. It was hard on both of us.

Ms. Kiran: Oh poor Mrs. Google and poor you too. Then what happened? Did she do anything about it?

Weighing Scale: Yes, of course she did! So, one day, looking at herself in the full-length mirror, Mrs. Google swore aloud, “Enough is enough! This cannot be happening. I ought to get back into shape.” Immediately, she called her closest buddy, Ms. Kukki, who also suffers from this unfortunate affliction. Both of them decided to meet and discuss the way forward.

Ms. Kiran: Oh goodie! A little teamwork always helps. I’m sure they must have found a way to tackle the issue together.

Weighing Scale: Hah! You must listen to what they did. And don’t ask me how I got all the sordid details. I have my sources inside the house.

So, Ms Kukki arrived in that evening and they hugged and air-kissed like besties. While doing so, both women tried to gauge whose girth was wider. Once they settled down, Mrs. Google ordered the house help to make some adrak–wali chai and pyaaz-aloo bhajiyas as it was raining heavily. Lovely weather like this calls for a little celebration, she reasoned. She also instructed her help to bring along the butter-choco-walnut pound cake that her sister-in-law had brought from Dubai last week.

And it was over tea, bhajiya, cake and namkeen that the ladies discussed their woes and swore to take up an exercise routine ASAP. They chalked out a plan too, starting with brisk walking for 45 minutes and then gradually moving towards the gym, later in the week.

Ms. Kiran: Nice. Things are getting interesting. Then what happened?

Weighing Scale: As she visualised her soon-to-be-svelte figure with child-like glee, Mrs. Google was reminded that all her track pants and tees were either two sizes small or out of fashion. She instantly informed Ms. Kukki about the crisis. And within twenty minutes, both ladies were out to buy new workout clothes.

Seeing Mrs. Google’s dedication towards the new regimen, which was reflected in her eagerness to buy new fitness wear and gear, an inspired Ms. Kukki decided to follow suit. How can Mrs. Google shine away in her new, trendy, branded sportswear, while she lagged behind unnoticed in her three-months-old workout clothes?

After one-and-half hours of repeated trying, changing, selecting and discarding loads of ‘dry fit’ technology-enabled fitness wear, they came out of the mall armed with shiny shopping bags containing pairs of slim-fit tights with contrasting and matching dry fit tees, neon coloured sport shoes, two pairs of socks, a water sipper, a post-workout windcheater and a gym bag. Mrs. Google and Ms. Kukki were all set to enter the world of fitness like divas!

On the way back, Mrs. Google even ordered a fitness tracker watch online and downloaded two exercise tracking apps on the phone to keep track of her fitness regimen.

Ms. Kiran: Hahaha! I can’t wait to hear what happened next. Carry on…

Weighing Scale: Kiran sweetie, now I will give you a detailed day-to-day account of how both ladies took on their workout regime. You better sit tight and listen up.

Day 1, 7.00 am: They met at a common point between their houses, all decked up in the shiny new gear. With sweat bands on, a hint of lip gloss for a fresh look and shoes laced up, both started walking briskly and chit-chatted all along. Due to the constant babble and energetic pace, they began to pant within 10 minutes. So, they slowed down to a dawdling stroll and completed the proposed 45 minutes.

Day 2, 7.00 am: The first day had been a great success for them as they managed to complete their walk, irrespective of the speed at which they finished it. Hi-fives were exchanged and the women patted each other’s back. Motivated, they began day two, again with quick steps and relentless chit-chat. But soon the pace decelerated and within 500 metres, they were breathless. Meanwhile, they crossed a spot where office goers stopped by to have their chai-sutta-nashta. The whiff of freshly made kachori and vada sambhar made the women go week on their knees. Mrs. Google looked at Ms. Kooki and raised an eyebrow suggestively. Ms. Kooki gestured her affirmation with a meaningful smile. Within five minutes, they were seated on the plastic stools outside the tapree, gorging on hot kachoris and sipping steaming adrak-wali chai.

Day 3, 7.00 am: Two days down, they felt exhilarated. After all, they had succeeded in keeping up with the schedule. But already a little bored of simply walking, they decided to enter their society’s gym. Inside, they met several acquaintances and neighbours. The first 10 minutes were spent in casual catching up. The ladies made sure to ignore Mrs. Rana, who ate like a horse in all the kitty parties but God knows how still managed to look like a French bean. She was the obvious object of their scorn.

After socialising for a while and fixing their hair in the mirrors mounted on the gym walls for a different purpose altogether, the ladies finally managed to drag themselves towards the cardio machines.

Speed: 4

Elevation: Flat

All through the ten minutes of their ‘light’ cardio, they kept cribbing about the bland song choice and the ineffective air-conditioning in the gym.

Calories burned – 38

Finishing their cardio, they sat down huffing and puffing. The gym instructor, a tall, handsome hunk, came over and asked them if they needed any help or if they would like to do some stretching.

Dumbstruck by his hotness and abs which were clearly visible through his tight vest, they couldn’t say ‘no’, even though their legs were wobbly and begged for mercy. Mr. Instructor demonstrated a few basic stretching exercises and flaunted his own muscles. Trying their best to imitate his immaculate moves, they kept falling in exhaustion and clumsiness. After four whole minutes of awkward stretching, the sweaty ladies found that the instructor was busy with other more dedicated disciples. Making the most of this opportunity, they bolted for the door.

Day 4, 7.00 am: By now, each and every muscle of their body, not in the habit of stretching or working out, were sore and hurting. The duo decided to keep it ‘light’ and stick to plain walking. Walk to the tempting tapri. Gorge. And walk back.

Distance covered – 2 km

Calories burned – 70

Calories eaten – 250

Day 5, 7.00 am: Repeat performance of Day 4.

Day 6, 6.30 am: As expected, their schedule didn’t last very long. And so, Ms. Kukki called Mrs. Google to inform that she wouldn’t be able to make it that day as it was a weekend and she wanted to sleep till little late. Obviously, Mrs. Google was more than happy to agree. She too receded under the covers and went back to her sweet slumber.

I knew from the very beginning that this wouldn’t last long, monotony would kill it and exercising incessantly would die a natural death.

Day 7: Nobody called anybody. And, as they say, sometimes no news is good news. The unannounced verdict found mutual consent.

The entire exercising routine was soon forgotten as Mrs. Google & Ms. Kukki chose painless mornings over demanding fitness. The whole ‘silly’ idea was thrown out of the window.

Ms. Kiran: Such a sad and tragic ending to a thoroughly amusing story. Did she try other methods of losing weight post this swiftly aborted exercise routine?

Weighing Scale: Well, after coming to terms that exercising was not her cup of tea, she tried her hand at all sorts of diets—starting with a weeklong GM diet, moving on to the low-carb Atkin’s diet, followed by the chhass only diet, then the most obnoxious cabbage soup diet, the much-celebrated vegan diet, keto diet and even two days of the ‘cotton ball diet’, in which she dipped small balls of fluffy cotton into juices and smoothies and ate them up. Sadly, nothing passed the threshold of the experimentation phase of first few days.

Ms. Kiran: ‘Cotton ball diet’? Gosh, now this is incorrigible. So, did she give it all up finally?

Weighing Scale: Well, Mrs. Google has stopped experimenting with all the bizarre diets. Someone recently suggested to her ‘sniff the food’ technique. She is currently trying her luck with that. Less eating and more sniffing. I wonder how that will pan out for her.

Ms. Kiran: Hmmm… let’s see what that results in. Do keep me posted on that.

So, moving on, let’s play our exciting rapid-fire round. I will ask you a few questions and you have to answer them keeping Mrs. Google in mind. But remember, the replies have to be rapid and, of course, fiery!

Ready? So, here we go…what is Mrs. Google’s weight?

Weighing Scale: 62 + 8 – 40 + 50 – 2

Ms. Kiran: Very well. Tell us about her one secret that even Mr. Planet doesn’t know.

Weighing Scale: She secretly eat chocolates and candies. Mrs. Google stashes them at various covert places, like inside the vegetable compartment of fridge, in the lower most section of her cupboard, unused purses, side table of her bed, behind the spice rack and even in the loo.

Ms. Kiran: What does Mr. Planet say when Mrs. Google asks him if she is looking fat in a particular dress?

Weighing Scale: Oh, he has this one absolutely figured out and well-rehearsed. It’s always a big, compelling ‘NO’. The genuinely surprised and ‘are you kidding’ wala expression on his face is priceless.

Ms. Kiran: Has Mrs. Google ever shared her actual weight with anyone? If so, with whom?

Weighing Scale: Yes. To her doctor, dietician, personal trainer, a sales person for health insurance purposes and one more sales guy at a bicycle shop, just so that he could give her the precise recommendations. Also, to a ride operator at an amusement park because the ride had to be correctly balanced. But for rest of the world, including Mr. Planet, it is a dark, well-guarded secret.

Ms. Kiran: Share a recent embarrassing incident of hers.

Weighing Scale: Last week, she met a friend after a long time. After shrieks of excitement and cheek-on-cheek air kissing, her friend stepped back and looking at Mrs. Google’s tummy, exclaimed, “Wow, looks like you have some good news there!”

Ms. Kiran: Hahaha! I am sure Mrs. Google wanted to strangle her.

Weighing Scale: You bet! Wait, I got one more. A few days back, she had to stand in a queue at the cash counter of a mall for almost half an hour due to some technical snag in the billing system. So, by the time things got working, she was visibly irritated. The woman behind the desk looked at her upset face and said, “I’m really sorry about your wait.” Without thinking much, courtesy to her bad mood, Mrs. Google snapped back, “You’re not so skinny yourself, madam. Mind you own business, please.” The poor girl did not even try to clarify her intent and resumed work but the ladies standing behind Mrs. Google were in splits. That’s when she realised what the girl had truly meant. She made a quick, embarrassed exit.

Ms. Kiran: OMG! That’s indeed funny.

Okay, tell us five things that make Mrs. Google flip out every time someone mentions in front of her.

Weighing Scale: Hmmm… Yoga, plus size clothing, health food, skinny jeans and people linking her allergies, acne and hair fall to her weight.

Ms. Kiran: If she wakes up as Katrina Kaif, she would….

Weighing Scale: If Mrs. Google wakes up as Katrina, she would go to her office and meet the big boss. She’d ask for a favour, which of course he would undoubtedly grant, she being Katrina for that moment. The favour would be double promotion and a separate cabin for a friend of hers, Mrs. Google.

Ms. Kiran: Haha, that would be a smart thing to do. Thanks a lot for being such a sport. You did very well. Our signature gift hamper, loaded with goodies is on the table next to you.

Now, before you leave, would you like to say something to her through our show?

Weighing Scale: I would like to tell Mrs. Google that although you eat less but you eat wrong. Having some extra weight is not that ‘fat’ an issue as you have made it to be. Being healthy and happy is more important than being thin and sad. So just remember, we all love you for the ‘weigh’ you are!

Next morning, while still in bed, I couldn’t stop laughing at last night’s dream. The incidents shared in it were all factual and indeed hilarious. My husband gave me a puzzled look, seeing me wake up in a happy-but-don’t–know-why state. Inching closer to him swapping my stupid grin with a seductive smile, I whispered, “Do you also love me for the ‘weigh’ I am?”

Perplexed by my unexpectedly amorous mood, barely an hour away from office time, he fumbled, “Of course darling, I love you the ‘way’ you are.”

Ah! If only men could ever understand what woman want (and mean).

My Stuff Speaks 

Author – Sania Siddiqui

Sample Chapter: Koffee with Kiran published first on https://bestbabyinc.tumblr.com

[evodex]

Sample Chapter: Koffee with Kiran

DREAM #2

The setup: There is an opulent set inside a recording studio. Vividly coloured plush couches and sofas are placed across the floor which complemented the weird graphic art and mood lighting all around. The shoot is about to begin and the production crew scurries across the floor, making last-minute adjustments. The host, a celebrated producer-director and third-generation Bollywood royalty, Ms. Kiran, walks in. She takes her seat on the awkwardly constructed sofa and welcomes the guest, who is, of course, none other than my weighing scale.

Roll, camera, action!

Ms. Kiran: Hello and welcome to yet another exciting episode of Koffee with Kiran. Our guest tonight is a significant gadget, which has numerous amusing stories to tell about its user, Mrs. Google. So, let’s welcome and hear it from the Weighing Scale!

Weighing Scale: Thank you so much. It’s a pleasure to be here.

Ms. Kiran: Why don’t you start by telling us a little about yourself and your user Mrs. Google.

Weighing Scale: Well, as you have already introduced me, I am Mrs. Google’s weighing scale. I have been with her for almost six years now. There is a ritual that the two of us follow every time we are together. She gingerly steps on me, always standing on the tip of her toes. Then she closes her eyes and gives out a low sigh before peering down at my screen. This is usually followed by a disappointed shriek. She then tries to draw her breath and tummy in, before glancing at the numbers again. Obviously, the readings do not change and she instantly gets off the scale, like a crisp golden bread slice popping out of a toaster.

I always wonder about these four things:

Why tiptoe on the scale? Does she think that standing on her toes instead of placing the entire feet on the scale would make her weigh any lesser?

What’s with the astonished shriek? Does Mrs. Google expect to be 20 pounds lighter every time she stands on me? Like, magically?

Then, ‘inhaling deeply and tucking in of her tummy’ part. How is that ever going to bring down the numbers on scale? If anything, she’s only drawing in more air.

Also, what’s the hurry to get off from me? Will the pounds keep adding like the autorickshaw meter if she stands on me for 30 more seconds?

Ms. Kiran: Hmmm. So clearly, there are some issues here. Tell me, how often does she use you?

Weighing Scale: At least six times a day—with and without clothes, before and after meals, before going to bed, immediately after waking up, ahead of her morning walk and also after the leisurely stroll post dinner.

Ms. Kiran: Okay, let me just set the record straight. Is she…errr…fat?

Weighing Scale: Well, I’ll just say that based on her age, height and body type, she should ideally weigh somewhere between 58 and 62 kilograms. But she leans towards the heavier side. She is 36-24-36 + GST (linked to Aadhar). Now you can do the math yourself as I am ethically bound not to reveal the real numbers.

But Kiran, let me tell you and everyone else watching this show that Mrs. Google is not fat! She is just overweight. And there is a huge, huge difference between being fat and being overweight, especially for women.

Ms. Kiran: I agree. Weight is as sensitive an issue for women as age is, perhaps more so when it is slightly on the higher side. If it is impolite to ask a lady’s age, it is worse to peep into the weighing scale when she’s on it.

Backstage you were telling me how Mrs. Google tried to lose weigh, and there are some hilarious stories you have about that stint, right? So, tell us about her journey from fit to fat and then trying to be fit again.

Weighing Scale: Kiran, a few years back, Mrs. Google was much thinner. Well, maybe that’s a wrong choice of words. Let me rephrase, a few years ago, Mrs. Google was less overweight.

She used to comfortably wear size 10 and size 12 in some brands. Then things started to change. Currently, 80 per cent of her old clothes do not fit her anymore and this hasn’t changed in the last one year. Yet she clings on to them, hoping to fit into them once again. Someday.

Gradually, things started trending from bad to worse. Buttons started to pop out and large gaping areas were formed in her shirts, showing off what should be hidden. Zips refused to close till the end. And whatever she wore defined every curve, crevice and fold of her body. She progressively inflated from every corner, angle and side—a 360-degrees all-round expansion. It was hard on both of us.

Ms. Kiran: Oh poor Mrs. Google and poor you too. Then what happened? Did she do anything about it?

Weighing Scale: Yes, of course she did! So, one day, looking at herself in the full-length mirror, Mrs. Google swore aloud, “Enough is enough! This cannot be happening. I ought to get back into shape.” Immediately, she called her closest buddy, Ms. Kukki, who also suffers from this unfortunate affliction. Both of them decided to meet and discuss the way forward.

Ms. Kiran: Oh goodie! A little teamwork always helps. I’m sure they must have found a way to tackle the issue together.

Weighing Scale: Hah! You must listen to what they did. And don’t ask me how I got all the sordid details. I have my sources inside the house.

So, Ms Kukki arrived in that evening and they hugged and air-kissed like besties. While doing so, both women tried to gauge whose girth was wider. Once they settled down, Mrs. Google ordered the house help to make some adrak–wali chai and pyaaz-aloo bhajiyas as it was raining heavily. Lovely weather like this calls for a little celebration, she reasoned. She also instructed her help to bring along the butter-choco-walnut pound cake that her sister-in-law had brought from Dubai last week.

And it was over tea, bhajiya, cake and namkeen that the ladies discussed their woes and swore to take up an exercise routine ASAP. They chalked out a plan too, starting with brisk walking for 45 minutes and then gradually moving towards the gym, later in the week.

Ms. Kiran: Nice. Things are getting interesting. Then what happened?

Weighing Scale: As she visualised her soon-to-be-svelte figure with child-like glee, Mrs. Google was reminded that all her track pants and tees were either two sizes small or out of fashion. She instantly informed Ms. Kukki about the crisis. And within twenty minutes, both ladies were out to buy new workout clothes.

Seeing Mrs. Google’s dedication towards the new regimen, which was reflected in her eagerness to buy new fitness wear and gear, an inspired Ms. Kukki decided to follow suit. How can Mrs. Google shine away in her new, trendy, branded sportswear, while she lagged behind unnoticed in her three-months-old workout clothes?

After one-and-half hours of repeated trying, changing, selecting and discarding loads of ‘dry fit’ technology-enabled fitness wear, they came out of the mall armed with shiny shopping bags containing pairs of slim-fit tights with contrasting and matching dry fit tees, neon coloured sport shoes, two pairs of socks, a water sipper, a post-workout windcheater and a gym bag. Mrs. Google and Ms. Kukki were all set to enter the world of fitness like divas!

On the way back, Mrs. Google even ordered a fitness tracker watch online and downloaded two exercise tracking apps on the phone to keep track of her fitness regimen.

Ms. Kiran: Hahaha! I can’t wait to hear what happened next. Carry on…

Weighing Scale: Kiran sweetie, now I will give you a detailed day-to-day account of how both ladies took on their workout regime. You better sit tight and listen up.

Day 1, 7.00 am: They met at a common point between their houses, all decked up in the shiny new gear. With sweat bands on, a hint of lip gloss for a fresh look and shoes laced up, both started walking briskly and chit-chatted all along. Due to the constant babble and energetic pace, they began to pant within 10 minutes. So, they slowed down to a dawdling stroll and completed the proposed 45 minutes.

Day 2, 7.00 am: The first day had been a great success for them as they managed to complete their walk, irrespective of the speed at which they finished it. Hi-fives were exchanged and the women patted each other’s back. Motivated, they began day two, again with quick steps and relentless chit-chat. But soon the pace decelerated and within 500 metres, they were breathless. Meanwhile, they crossed a spot where office goers stopped by to have their chai-sutta-nashta. The whiff of freshly made kachori and vada sambhar made the women go week on their knees. Mrs. Google looked at Ms. Kooki and raised an eyebrow suggestively. Ms. Kooki gestured her affirmation with a meaningful smile. Within five minutes, they were seated on the plastic stools outside the tapree, gorging on hot kachoris and sipping steaming adrak-wali chai.

Day 3, 7.00 am: Two days down, they felt exhilarated. After all, they had succeeded in keeping up with the schedule. But already a little bored of simply walking, they decided to enter their society’s gym. Inside, they met several acquaintances and neighbours. The first 10 minutes were spent in casual catching up. The ladies made sure to ignore Mrs. Rana, who ate like a horse in all the kitty parties but God knows how still managed to look like a French bean. She was the obvious object of their scorn.

After socialising for a while and fixing their hair in the mirrors mounted on the gym walls for a different purpose altogether, the ladies finally managed to drag themselves towards the cardio machines.

Speed: 4

Elevation: Flat

All through the ten minutes of their ‘light’ cardio, they kept cribbing about the bland song choice and the ineffective air-conditioning in the gym.

Calories burned – 38

Finishing their cardio, they sat down huffing and puffing. The gym instructor, a tall, handsome hunk, came over and asked them if they needed any help or if they would like to do some stretching.

Dumbstruck by his hotness and abs which were clearly visible through his tight vest, they couldn’t say ‘no’, even though their legs were wobbly and begged for mercy. Mr. Instructor demonstrated a few basic stretching exercises and flaunted his own muscles. Trying their best to imitate his immaculate moves, they kept falling in exhaustion and clumsiness. After four whole minutes of awkward stretching, the sweaty ladies found that the instructor was busy with other more dedicated disciples. Making the most of this opportunity, they bolted for the door.

Day 4, 7.00 am: By now, each and every muscle of their body, not in the habit of stretching or working out, were sore and hurting. The duo decided to keep it ‘light’ and stick to plain walking. Walk to the tempting tapri. Gorge. And walk back.

Distance covered – 2 km

Calories burned – 70

Calories eaten – 250

Day 5, 7.00 am: Repeat performance of Day 4.

Day 6, 6.30 am: As expected, their schedule didn’t last very long. And so, Ms. Kukki called Mrs. Google to inform that she wouldn’t be able to make it that day as it was a weekend and she wanted to sleep till little late. Obviously, Mrs. Google was more than happy to agree. She too receded under the covers and went back to her sweet slumber.

I knew from the very beginning that this wouldn’t last long, monotony would kill it and exercising incessantly would die a natural death.

Day 7: Nobody called anybody. And, as they say, sometimes no news is good news. The unannounced verdict found mutual consent.

The entire exercising routine was soon forgotten as Mrs. Google & Ms. Kukki chose painless mornings over demanding fitness. The whole ‘silly’ idea was thrown out of the window.

Ms. Kiran: Such a sad and tragic ending to a thoroughly amusing story. Did she try other methods of losing weight post this swiftly aborted exercise routine?

Weighing Scale: Well, after coming to terms that exercising was not her cup of tea, she tried her hand at all sorts of diets—starting with a weeklong GM diet, moving on to the low-carb Atkin’s diet, followed by the chhass only diet, then the most obnoxious cabbage soup diet, the much-celebrated vegan diet, keto diet and even two days of the ‘cotton ball diet’, in which she dipped small balls of fluffy cotton into juices and smoothies and ate them up. Sadly, nothing passed the threshold of the experimentation phase of first few days.

Ms. Kiran: ‘Cotton ball diet’? Gosh, now this is incorrigible. So, did she give it all up finally?

Weighing Scale: Well, Mrs. Google has stopped experimenting with all the bizarre diets. Someone recently suggested to her ‘sniff the food’ technique. She is currently trying her luck with that. Less eating and more sniffing. I wonder how that will pan out for her.

Ms. Kiran: Hmmm… let’s see what that results in. Do keep me posted on that.

So, moving on, let’s play our exciting rapid-fire round. I will ask you a few questions and you have to answer them keeping Mrs. Google in mind. But remember, the replies have to be rapid and, of course, fiery!

Ready? So, here we go…what is Mrs. Google’s weight?

Weighing Scale: 62 + 8 – 40 + 50 – 2

Ms. Kiran: Very well. Tell us about her one secret that even Mr. Planet doesn’t know.

Weighing Scale: She secretly eat chocolates and candies. Mrs. Google stashes them at various covert places, like inside the vegetable compartment of fridge, in the lower most section of her cupboard, unused purses, side table of her bed, behind the spice rack and even in the loo.

Ms. Kiran: What does Mr. Planet say when Mrs. Google asks him if she is looking fat in a particular dress?

Weighing Scale: Oh, he has this one absolutely figured out and well-rehearsed. It’s always a big, compelling ‘NO’. The genuinely surprised and ‘are you kidding’ wala expression on his face is priceless.

Ms. Kiran: Has Mrs. Google ever shared her actual weight with anyone? If so, with whom?

Weighing Scale: Yes. To her doctor, dietician, personal trainer, a sales person for health insurance purposes and one more sales guy at a bicycle shop, just so that he could give her the precise recommendations. Also, to a ride operator at an amusement park because the ride had to be correctly balanced. But for rest of the world, including Mr. Planet, it is a dark, well-guarded secret.

Ms. Kiran: Share a recent embarrassing incident of hers.

Weighing Scale: Last week, she met a friend after a long time. After shrieks of excitement and cheek-on-cheek air kissing, her friend stepped back and looking at Mrs. Google’s tummy, exclaimed, “Wow, looks like you have some good news there!”

Ms. Kiran: Hahaha! I am sure Mrs. Google wanted to strangle her.

Weighing Scale: You bet! Wait, I got one more. A few days back, she had to stand in a queue at the cash counter of a mall for almost half an hour due to some technical snag in the billing system. So, by the time things got working, she was visibly irritated. The woman behind the desk looked at her upset face and said, “I’m really sorry about your wait.” Without thinking much, courtesy to her bad mood, Mrs. Google snapped back, “You’re not so skinny yourself, madam. Mind you own business, please.” The poor girl did not even try to clarify her intent and resumed work but the ladies standing behind Mrs. Google were in splits. That’s when she realised what the girl had truly meant. She made a quick, embarrassed exit.

Ms. Kiran: OMG! That’s indeed funny.

Okay, tell us five things that make Mrs. Google flip out every time someone mentions in front of her.

Weighing Scale: Hmmm… Yoga, plus size clothing, health food, skinny jeans and people linking her allergies, acne and hair fall to her weight.

Ms. Kiran: If she wakes up as Katrina Kaif, she would….

Weighing Scale: If Mrs. Google wakes up as Katrina, she would go to her office and meet the big boss. She’d ask for a favour, which of course he would undoubtedly grant, she being Katrina for that moment. The favour would be double promotion and a separate cabin for a friend of hers, Mrs. Google.

Ms. Kiran: Haha, that would be a smart thing to do. Thanks a lot for being such a sport. You did very well. Our signature gift hamper, loaded with goodies is on the table next to you.

Now, before you leave, would you like to say something to her through our show?

Weighing Scale: I would like to tell Mrs. Google that although you eat less but you eat wrong. Having some extra weight is not that ‘fat’ an issue as you have made it to be. Being healthy and happy is more important than being thin and sad. So just remember, we all love you for the ‘weigh’ you are!

Next morning, while still in bed, I couldn’t stop laughing at last night’s dream. The incidents shared in it were all factual and indeed hilarious. My husband gave me a puzzled look, seeing me wake up in a happy-but-don’t–know-why state. Inching closer to him swapping my stupid grin with a seductive smile, I whispered, “Do you also love me for the ‘weigh’ I am?”

Perplexed by my unexpectedly amorous mood, barely an hour away from office time, he fumbled, “Of course darling, I love you the ‘way’ you are.”

Ah! If only men could ever understand what woman want (and mean).

My Stuff Speaks 

Author – Sania Siddiqui

Sample Chapter: Koffee with Kiran published first on https://bestbabyinc.tumblr.com