#using memes to express my anger and cope with trauma

[matchakuracat]

[flowergrownbeyondthestone]

Sometimes I feel like we can get so good at almost fetishizing our sadness. In a way I guess I've been doing it for a long time as well. Traumas turn into jokes, depression turns into memes and dreaming about dying is something you can just casually throw into a conversation while your other depressed friend laughs with you and says how much they relate. I guess sometimes a bit of humor is necessary to deal with tough things, but once it becomes the main way of coping it's just really not good. I've gotten so good at jokingly talking about every traumatic experience and terrifying thought that I've been completely dissociated from my feelings. Talking about things is not enough if we can't actually feel them and process them. Wishing something hadn't happened doesn't mean it didn't. I used to say how certain things just don't affect me much, how it's not that much of a big deal to me, even if from the outside it seemed like it should have been. Now I don't think any of it was really true. I was just really good at pushing all these feelings away in fear of becoming too overwhelmed. The more explosive I became internally and externally, the more I was actually running from myself and what I was actually feeling. I'd either become numb or destructive in one way or another, thinking it was just my emotions being too small or too big. Now it seems more like a facade. I wasn't aware of it, but I guess deep down I was just deadly terrified. Of myself, of how I'd be perceived by people around me if I just let myself feel and express it. I know I've been conditioned to think this way, constantly being made to feel like there is something wrong with me, my feelings or expressions, despite the fact that they were in fact completely normal. Now I'm just relearning how to actually let myself feel, whether it's joy, sadness, anger or grief or anything in between. I no longer really feel like joking about being depressed or death. I don't think trauma is funny. Neither is struggling beyond comprehension. When we are just trying to survive we grasp onto anything that can keep us afloat, but now I want to be actually living, not just surviving. That means doing a little happy jumpy dance when I'm excited about something. Crying for an hour before falling asleep and holding myself through it, because what I'd gone through was rough, but my future can be better. Punching a pillow to get the righteous anger out. Learning how to feel less shame and more compassion. Allowing myself to make mistakes. Acknowledging things I'd done wrong and knowing I can learn from it and do better. Being afraid and believing I'll be okay, no matter what happens. Being.

[britts-galaxy-brain]

The Normalization of Toxicity

This will be my last post, and unless some miracle occurs within the greater Tumblr community, my last time on Tumblr in general. I’ve been thinking on giving some sort of final update for a while now just to get some things off my chest. This may be long and/or rambly. I will be linking some resources at the end of this post that have helped me tremendously over the past couple of years.

First off, I would like to express my utter disgust at what this website and by extension the fandom communities in general have devolved in to. I greatly underestimated just how out of control this beast had become. Before I got on Tumblr for the first time, I had heard the rumors but assumed they had been wildly exaggerated. How wrong I was, and yet I remained in denial during most of my time here, including when I was sharing information and speaking openly with people I should never have trusted. That is the only thing I feel I need to sincerely apologize to Lily for. Yes, what she has done and continues to do is reprehensible. Yes, everything I have shared about her is true and I have done my best to keep every bit of this sensitive information as accurate as possible. I absolutely should NOT have shared it with the people I did. All I succeeded in doing was feeding the beast, and contributing to the mental distortions and distresses that causes her to act the way she does in the first place. I did so with the best of intentions, albeit I was tainted with anger in such a way that I was denying at the time. I didn’t handle this well. I didn’t research the audience I was sharing this information with. That was a massive mistake which ended up producing the exact opposite results than what I hoped would happen (either Lily would see the pain she caused people and would be inspired to change for the better, or would be ousted from her position and be unable to hurt others). 

I stupidly believed the people who claim to care about this sort of thing were being genuine. They aren’t. These self-described ‘hunters’, at their core, mainly care about fueling the drama they use as an escape from their real life. The worst of them use it as a means to cover up their own closet skeletons and stroke their own egos. In the short time I was regularly involved with all of this, I witnessed an increasing amount of instances that have left me completely dumbfounded. Open predators are defended by some, while the ones who claim to want “justice” do nothing that would actually bring any sort of justice. These people are quickly forgotten within the internet’s short attention span, and they are left to continue to do what they do. People bandwagon around them, reducing the impact these people leave and making it harder for their actual victims to be taken seriously. It’s difficult to know how much of the dishonesty is intentional, or a result of moderate to severe uncontrolled mental illness. In Lily’s case, most of the conversations surrounding her involve debating her political and entertainment opinions rather than things she’s done that actually warrant discussion, and even that has been handled incredibly poorly and has just fed into her self-defenses. I do not excuse myself from feeding into it as well.

On the topic of mental illness, I realized a hard truth during my hiatus. The things we use most as coping mechanisms are actually harming us. I quit social media entirely for a few months, and realized I really was addicted. I also realized the memes and self-deprecating jokes we think are cathartic and helpful are feeding into these negative feelings about ourselves. They reinforce the identities we’ve built around ourselves. “Being trash”, “depressed”, ect become a comfort zone because that is what becomes familiar. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not railing against social media in general, just how we’ve been using it. Think about the last time you scrolled your Facebook feed, or whatever you spend a lot of time scrolling on. You automatically relate to and maybe even laugh at self-deprecating images and jokes. “Hah, I’m so fucking depressed.” “Hah, I’m garbage.” “Hah, I have no friends.” “Hah, I want to kill myself.” Now think about when you see something positive. “Psh, that’s not me.��� “I don’t deserve that.” “I’m actually ugly, but okay.” You push against anything positive because on a deep level, it scares you. It threatens the identity you’ve built around yourself, which is the thing that gives you a sense of grounding to the world around you and the role you play in it.

I was an absolute MESS when I first started challenging my own darkness. I hadn’t realized just how deep I had gone. I was horribly paranoid. Angry. Deeply depressed. My memory is still recovering from the several years of constant extreme stress I went through. I’m finally getting stable, which is genuinely the first time in my life I can say that. It felt fucking weird for a while, and it still does at times. It feels strange being comfortable in my own home. It feels uncertain but great that I’m at a point where I can afford my bills and still have some money left over. I’m finding interest in old and new hobbies. I have real goals for the future that I am actively working toward. I have a support system that cares about me enough to tell me the truth instead of enabling my bad habits and behaviors, and it took a long time for me to trust that they truly had my best intentions at heart. 

It has been one of the most difficult things I’ve ever experienced. I had to break and completely reshape myself. It has taken daily maintenance, practice, research, ect and I have gotten lazy and fallen off the wagon multiple times, but I absolutely refuse to let myself go back to where I was. Never again. It has cost me quite a few people that I thought were friends, and most of my family. I’m still not quite where I want to be with myself, but I’m taking steps to get there and I feel like I’m making real progress. 

I guess the point to this is to hopefully send out a message of hope to those of you who want to get out of the dark, and are ready to do so. There are ways to heal, and you deserve that, regardless of your past or what other people have said about you. It’s never too late and it’s okay to hurt and grieve during this process. It isn’t easy, it can take quite a while and a LOT of willpower, but it is doable. 

I may check back at some point to see if anyone has any questions or would like advice, but I won’t be discussing Lily any longer, nor will I be resharing any information about her. It’s out there in multiple places if you really want to find it. 

That’s all for now. I wish you all the best and hope this reaches someone. - Thought Bubble https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCpuqYFKLkcEryEieomiAv3Q - Therapy in a Nutshell (licensed therapist specializing in anxiety, depression, attachment styles, and trauma-related mental illnesses. Uses neuroplasticity along with other therapeutic practices. This one has helped me the most.) https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCybBViio_TH_uiFFDJuz5tg - Einzelganger (Philosophy channel with a focus on stoicism and individual existentialism.)

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiRiQGCHGjDLT9FQXFW0I3A - Academy of Ideas (Philosophy channel with a focus on self-mastery.)

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UC-tLyAaPbRZiYrOJxAGB7dQ - Pursuit of Wonder (Philosophy channel with a focus on existentialism in relation to the world as a whole.)

[mz-elysium]

Wow. That was a lot longer than I planned. Do we even do comic sans wip posts anymore? It it cool? Am I cool? 

Photo ID below the cut because this is already way too fucking long of a post. And this ID, bc of it, is so so long.

Photo ID: a 13 slide Comic Sans font powerpoint about an original WIP. All slides but the first are white, black text, all font being Comic Sans to follow the meme.

Slide 1: black background, white text. Titled with red shadow: The City of Fallen Angels: (2) Hitaeth. Definition below: hiraeth: homesickness or nostalgia, an earnest longing for an idealised past, or a sense of regret. Around this title are a bunch of floating descriptors about the WIP: vampires, gothic-punk, regrets vs forgiveness, dark urban fantasy, historical 2003, 4 POVs, secrets, political intrigue, slice of life, compassion vs selfishness, vampires playing Game of Thrones, grimdark and also hopepunk. A Vampire the Masquerade canon divergent original novel.

Slide 2: Worldbuilding, about the Vampire the Masquerade world. Titled: The canon sects but like a little more nuanced. Three columns of bullet points follow. 

The first is the Camarilla. 

neo-feudal lords and princes

rule most of the world

want to rule the rest of it

scheming, old elders who don’t give a shit about anyone else

will kill your family to make a point

BUT ALSO.

stable domains; due process

clan culture, history, tradition

connected to wider vampire society

play their game and you can live as a peaceful peasant (mostly)

The second column is the Anarchs.

rebellious neonates/ancillae

in their Free States, there’s opportunity for power and to live your own life

neonates can actually own land??

ALSO

literal anarchy

no real oversight or leadership

can and will be killed by another gang

“if you can hold it, you can have it”

Third column is the Sabbat

worship Caine as the First Murderer (first vampire)

take “vampire” too literally

inhuman monsters

war cult readying for Armageddon

ALSO

profoundly religious

strict code of honour

accept their inhumanity (no angst)

tight-knit family-like packs

heroes/crusaders for their ppl

Slide 3: Titled: Have a shitty map. A Google map screenshot of Central Los Angeles, with highlighted sections in different colours, clearly done in Paint by a child. Seven sections are highlighted, explained on the next slide.

Slide 4: The lands are divided by the sect who control it.

Anarchs:

Angels Wasteland: remains of the #peaceful Barony of Angels. With Salvador Garcia’s death, it’s a shitshow chaotic warzone. 

Tinseltown: Isaac Abrams, movie baron, just wants to be left alone.

East LA: ruled by loyalists of the Old Guard Anarchs, who are all dead/gone. Sabbat from further east are smelling weakness.

Downtown: technically “no baron” but also nines is baron. Typical Anarchs, shooting each other, living rough, living free. OR ARE THEY???

Camarilla:

The Valley: a praxis backed by legendary elders, who are propelled by faceless masters, using unwilling Prince Barty Vaughn as a pawn

Westside: greedy and ambitious LaCroix goes “hmm. la looks like shit. probably wanna get in on that” and calls up his contact, Therese Voerman and says “yo. u got a barony, huh? wanna be my seneschal?”

“Independent”

Silver Lake: a desperate grab by Monroe and co to build their own “utopia” … sorta like the Anarchs 60yrs ago… and look how THAT went. Monroe ate the last Old Guard Anarch.

Slide 5: Titled: Monroe’s POV, with a subtitle of The Captain. On the left, a photo of half of a man’s face in shadow. He has dark hair, pale skin, blue eyes, and a hard expression. Bullet points describe him as Matthew Monroe, Clan Ventrue, Embraced 1873, Humanity 5, age 28. On the right, a series of bullets describe his POV’s story.

this is a dude drowning in an ocean of Problems and his catchphrase is “I’ll figure it out”

he owes a life debt to the enigmatic powerful archon in the Valley (Jan Pieterzoon), who seems to respect/honour him more than most of LA.

he used to be besties with the Valley Prince (Barty Vaughn), who he can’t trust but seems? the same?

he turned his ghoul and secret love into a vampire (Hawthorne), against her wishes, and now she hates him. monroe: u kno what? that’s fair.

Silver Lake is held together with duct tape. monroe’s right hand (Ashley Swan) is a nightmare and untrustworthy. his people try to kill each other.

he’s got a lot of unresolved trauma/grief/abuse/anger and vampires sort of have “The Beast”, a spirit that haunts them with evil

and oh yeah, LA is about to explode

Slide 6: Titled: Monroe’s supporting characters. Four characters, each of them have a photo, a title, and brief run-on description.

First, a photo of a very pale man with purple eyes and a lock of ice blonde hair. Ashley Swan, the Thorn, Clan Toreador. Monstrously cruel, sarcastic, hedonistic, aggressive, sadistic, can’t be trusted, doesn’t wear shirts. Bisexual transman.

Second, a photo of a dour woman with dark hair. Audrey Hawthorne, the Lovechilde, Clan Ventrue. Blinded by the Embrace, furious, frustrated, grieving, snarky, over accomplished, creative, passionate.

Third, a man in a black suit looking over a ballroom with a crystal chandelier. Jan Pieterzoon, the Kingmaker, Clan Ventrue. 300 year old, archon, elder, sire is Camarilla big-shot, dignified, mysterious, chessmaster, honourable, elite.

Fourth, a man in a dress shirt, sleeve rolled up, hand extended with a cigarette and bloody palm. Barty Vaughn, the Valley Prince, Clan Ventrue. Former Anarch, Prince of San Francisco, now reluctant Prince of LA. Smokes like a chimney, lives to fuck Tremere and have fun.

Slide 7: Titled: Zari’s POV, with a subtitle of The Black Rose. On the left, a photo of a beaming dark-skinned Black woman with bouncy coily black hair. Bullet points describe her as Zari Adeyemi-Swan, Clan Toreador, Embraced 1973, Humanity 6, age 27. On the right, a series of bullets describe her POV’s story.

life sucks, it’s cruel, and there’s no point thinking on the past, even when the past comes to haunt you

she fled her foster sire and once-lover (Ashley Swan) for his cruelty to others, but now he offers maybe?genuine? amends.

thirty years ago, she left her human children. her daughter (Aisha Adeyemi) has been Embraced and brings bad news

her main way of #coping is working and distracting herself. she throws herself to infiltrate the Westside Camarilla court (Sebastian LaCroix), against all good advice.

soon after she arrives, she finds herself having a secret admirer (Mercurio), who reminds her how precious it is to be loved, held, and cared for — but they need to overcome their own instincts to accept what they could have

The Voerman sisters are in the thick of it all, making perfect cautionary allies and, if she can overcome her preconceptions, friends.

and oh yeah, LA is about to explode

Slide 8: Titled: Zari’s supporting characters. Four characters, each of them have a photo, a title, and brief run-on description.

First, a photo of a white man wearing mirrored sunglasses in front of orange-pink neon. It casts his face and smile eerily. Ashley Swan, the Foster Sire, Clan Toreador, monstrously cruel, charismatic, loyal, thorough, too clever, pleasurable. Bi transman.

Second, a photo of a white man in a suit, adjusting his cuffs. Sebastian LaCroix, the Westside Prince, Clan Ventrue, opportunistic benefactor, greedy, ambitious, petulant, ruthless, degrading.

Third, a white man in a paisley shirt, gold necklaces, putting a hand to a tattooed and exposed chest. Mercurio, the Admirer, LaCroix’s Ghoul, resourceful, sweet, empathetic, capable, romantic, salt of the earth, former Mafia hitman.

Fourth, a white woman in a black suit with delicate gold jewelry. The Voermans, the Mirrored Sisters, Clan Malkavian; one is brutal, calculating, patient, reckless, the other is seductive, fun-loving, innovative, insightful.

Slide 9: Titled: Charlie’s POV, with a subtitle of The Moonchilde. In small text, a line says “a.k.a. Me processing grief over my mother #coping. On the left, a photo of a sad-faced white woman with freckles, black eyeliner, and frizzy brown curls. Bullet points describe her as Charlie Bradley, Clan Malkavian, Embraced 2003, Humanity 8, age 20, lesbian. On the right, a series of bullets describe her POV’s story.

life is getting back to normal? well, “new normal”

as a new adult, she has a good ol’ fashioned “start of life” crisis: who am I? where do I fit in? complicated by her mother’s death a year ago. what sort of woman am I? how does this figure into my attraction to women?

maybe. maybe. maybe monroe is cold and distant and ruling a vampire kingdom, but he wants to look after me. maybe i should let him.

also, hey, you (Jesse Harper) get it. and you’re hurting. let me help, let me be your soft place to land. wow, okay, this is kissing.

she didn’t mean to ruin her sire’s (Rhys Wilson) life. but, she did. she killed his mentor. SHHH! secret! she feel bad. maybe friends? uh, okay, weirdo. maybe D&D.

she’s learning to deal with feeding on scumbags and giving what people got coming to them. and the Cobweb, supernatural psychosis

WHY ARE VAMPIRES LIKE THIS? WHY CAN’T WE ALL JUST GET ALONG? FFS

and oh yeah, LA is about to explode

Slide 10: Titled: Charlie’s supporting characters. Three characters, each of them have a photo, a title, and brief run-on description.

First, a white man in the middle of screaming, his head swaying back and forth so it looks like he has three heads. Rhys Wilson, the Sire, Clan Malkavian, weirdo, prime D&D fanatic and DM, just wants friends, and vengeance, pulls pranks to teach lessons. Gay.

Second, a very strong white woman with her arms crossed, a tattoo on one, and a t-shirt that is obscured but clearly says “The future is female”. Jesse Harper, the Darkness, Clan Lasombra, former vampire hunter, reluctant vampire, brooding, mysterious, sullen, black trench coat, buff as fuck, brave. Lesbian.

Third, a pair of clasped hands, male over female. Monroe, the Stepsire, Clan Ventrue, fucking old, inhuman, kills too easily, sincere, honourable, intense, gives good advice but really should shut his mouth hole.

Slide 11: Titled: Jack’s POV, with a subtitle of The Lone Wolf. On the left, a photo of a sad-faced strong Chinese man with a shaggy and tufted mullet. Bullet points describe him as Jack Shen, Clan Gangrel, Embraced 1955, Humanity 7, age 25, gay. On the right, a series of bullets describe his POV’s story.

why does he always end up alone? people leave, people die, people drift and change, but the good times were worth it

he’s always had a rocky relationship with his lover (Ryuko Saito), but now the dumbass has found a cult promising power.

he hasn’t lost him. he hasn’t. him and ryu just take time apart sometimes. but it’s been a long fucking while. and jack isn’t sure who he is alone anymore. a new human friend (Dustin Cohen), working at his animal hospital gives new life.

his former best friend (Damsel) has dove deep into Downtown and managing as Nines’ lieutenant, bringing him more and more dirty work to clean up

monroe relies on him to reign in the chaos of vampires trying to live without killing each other.

and oh yeah, LA is about to explode

Slide 12: Titled: Jack’s supporting characters. Three characters, each of them have a photo, a title, and brief run-on description.

First, a young white woman with dyed fire-engine red hair and an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Damsel, the Lieutenant, Clan Brujah, naive, brash, physical, loyal, loud-mouthed, smart.

Second, a skinny man in an ill-fitting Hawaiian shirt and jeans. Ryuko Saito, the Orphan, Mage, power-hungry, desperate, proud, ruthless, loving, isolated, crushingly lonely, gremlin, old and chronic pain, hides and “treats” it with magic.

Third, a white hand extending a hummingbird to fly free. Dustin Cohen, the Receptionist, Human, understanding, the best of Good Dudes, empathetic, kinda lame outsider

Slide 13: Titled: also. A moodboard on the right side includes two weeping stone angels, one at sunset, one in darkness between a tarnished and broken silver crown; a gas station in LA as seen through a rainy car window; grim-looking downtown city buildings; and a sidewalk curb with neon lights reflecting off a puddle and a plastic bag of takeout garbage strewn across.

On the left, bullet points follow.

about 100 million other characters. I legit have a spreadsheet

Everyone is capable of evil

Sins of the sire (father)

Never too late to start being a good person

Takes place  about 6 months before Vampire the Masquerade Bloodlines

At least one more novel in the works

Subheading, 22/55 chapters written. Gonna start posting September 28.

End ID.

[assassinwolf189]

30 and B for the character asks!

Hey there! I’m always happy to see you in my ask box, I hope you’ve been well and that everything is good where you are. :) (Sorry this took so long for me to answer, it’s been a wee bit chaotic. :))

I hope this is the right ask meme. 

Uncommon Questions for OCs and their Creators  #30: Who do they most regret meeting?  (I have so many OC children so I will be answering this for my top 4) Shailen: She regrets meeting David; her ex boyfriend from the beginning of the book, who is continuously abusive and condescending towards her,  Sam and the American crew, who after she met them has brought nothing but pain to her and her family such as causing the death of her sister.  However I think the person that she regrets meeting most is probably her childhood best friend that she remet in high school, who has been nothing but emotionally abusive and a weight on her shoulders. 

K9: Not a person would regret meeting anyone but the closest to regret would probably be historical figure Laffayette whom she had a temporary romantic relationship that ended in ruin, and the birth of the french werewolf Tale of Labet becoming a twisted reality; and then her ex allies Portman, Andrew, Chris and Monti; all of which were close friends however the path they chose led them in different directions and a schism within their friendships, never to be trusted or healed again.  Micheal: He would probably regret meeting Grace, a highschool student that asked him out to her prom, (and the first person he ever dated before coming out of the closet as Gay) he regrets meeting her because of the way she used him for the comforts he could provide, his influence and kindness, she then proceeded to cheat on him when he said no to providing her with more than he was comfortable with at the time. 

George: George has probably got the longest list of people he regrets meeting, but the one on top of his list would probably be his Biological father that he meets at a point of which he is proud of who he is, but after their meeting feels that his mother lied to him about who his father was and wishes to return to the days in which he thought that his father was an idol and a hero, and not the monster that he truly is.

Questions for the creators  B) What inspired you to create them?  (This is a lovely question, thank you.) (This will include some of my other characters not mentioned above aswell, all from my main project, and not my fanfictions.) 

Shailen was inspired by Scott and Stiles from Teenwolf , Alice and Thom from the Spook chronicles, Nikki from Dork Diaries, Clawdeen and Venus from monster high, Kate Becket from Castle and eventually Wonderwoman (What a mix am I right?)(Most of these were and still are nostalgic favourites of mine that I carry along with me from my childhood.)  She was meant to be a representative and hug to all those in need, a beacon of light that I used a lot as a coping mechanism as a kid, and as a way of deciding what the best action would be in that situation; a bit of a self insert, but based on the person I could be and not the one that I am.  It takes all sorts to be a hero right?  She’s was also used as a crutch when I needed someone lighter in my life, and a reflection of whatever happens you can still be you, in trauma you can still be kind and in darkness there is light and so on. She is also a hug and representative of what its like to lose apart of yourself and grow accustom to it, and my way of learning that its ok to let go, and grow further. 

K9; inspired by the lady from Underworld, Derek from Teenwolf; Disturbed, Rammestein, Breaking Benjamin other degrees of rock ,my sheer need as a child to feel badass, and on my thoughts as a kid, of but what if I don’t want to wear pink or be a princess, what if I want to be a werewolf on a motorcyle with my scars and long black hair flapping in the wind? (Yeah Also my sheer love for werewolves)  However she’s evolved to be so much more, more a soldier, a person who has been wounded for so long that they no longer feel any pain.  She also became a crutch to me, and a way to get anger off of my shoulders; a way to express my sheer love for writing tragic hero’s; she isn’t misunderstood or brooding she’s just damaged and doesn’t fit into any boxes, she just wants to sleep and be left alone.  She’s probably the person I fall to the most when I’m dealing with negative emotions, and I’ve given her so much of my baggage. But she just continues, and moves regardless of circumstance, she remains her and does the best that she can; she over comes her struggles her own ways and learns healthier coping mechanisms. (She’s the one that I constantly used as a coping mechanism during my times of really bad depression; and I used her a lot before I managed to come clean and start attending therapy, that gave me the notion that if she can survive the shit I put her through and come out on top, I can survive too.) There is more to here than just this but to boil it down, she’s my comfort character, as are many of the rest of the people on this list. I also used her often as a way to cope when I received hate as a kid for being different, and yeah shes just a crutch; my buff queen that just carries me away to safety

Micheal; was inspired by my continuous love for video games, and intelligent and handsome and everything I was told a man should be (Obviously men like everyone else can and should be who ever they want to be but yeah.)  The scientist of the bunch, and a more charismatic version of both Sheldon from the big Bang theory (Who Quite frankly I severely dislike now) and Velma from Scooby doo. Smart, Handsome and a gymnast. He’s also inspired by the dark academia aesthetic; and my dark twisted love of necromancy and dark magic, the showing that he might not be physically intimidating but his mind is as much of weapon as his sister is. (He’s basically the Guy exe song by Superfruit is based on, and the caricature of he’s so dark and handsome *Swoon*)

Over all they are all my comfort characters and are supposed to be traditional tropes turn upside down on their head; which I find quite enjoyable and amusing; I hope that one day when I do publish that people find as much comfort in these characters I have.  Thanks for the asks, these have been wonderful, and I hope you have a fabulous day! :)

[sinnhelmingrmoved]

🍎 : how stable is my muse’s mental health? have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they or should they attend therapy? // @humanmoxie​ // fruit meme. // accepting.

It’s NOT GREAT. Hel’s life is pretty much a series of distractions from her hopeless situation and the toll it takes on her health, physically and mentally. She is a carefully crafted facade that keeps all her varying issues buried so deeply they cannot possibly surface and fuck her over. 

Her entire being is a creature of composure that she grew behind closed doors to serve others first and her own negativity never. And that’s a nightmare existence, especially because whenever the mask starts to crack, she either further isolates or turns to alcohol. Sometimes a combination of both. She is on record saying that alcohol makes the world more tolerable, which is just the tip of the iceberg. 

She would have to admit to having internal problems in order to be diagnosed, so no, she is not presently diagnosed with anything. That said, she’s struggling when others aren’t looking.

Depression is a major issue, exacerbated by her dour and dim surroundings, which she can find some relief from in simply leaving her realm for a time. Even then, she is bound to Helheim, and can never truly be free of it. It also tends to surface whenever she has a bad physical flare up, when her nerves start to fray or she is confined to bed.

Anxiety is another major issue with her, though one she carefully covers. You see this most often in how she approaches those who try to get close to her, terrified of being seen for what she is, terrified of not being good enough, and going out of her head with worry that she never truly be able to hold on to anyone, or that people will be hurt for their association with her.

PTSD is the real silent killer here, and her trauma is always hanging over her. It colors every relationship she reaches friendship or beyond. She lives in constant fear that somehow, she will be made to lose again. Someone will be hurt because of her. Someone will leave her, whether willingly or by choice. She’s never going to get out from under the fate of her family, especially when avenging that trauma is stated to be the purpose her entire life is working towards. PTSD feeds into pretty much every other struggle she has mentally.

Depersonalization and derealization can serve to break her as well, this feeling that she is detached from this life she was forced to lead, or feeling that none of it is real. She is alive among the dead. She is in a place with its own logic and laws. And when her stress reaches its boiling point, her mind simply lets her disconnect to cope. This is happening to someone else, and she is merely the audience. This is happening to her, but she is only an actor on a stage, and soon she will be led back to the real world once the play is done.

Hel projects, and she projects hard. She buries her self-loathing such that she doesn’t present weakness, but she’s very eager to display it in what she thinks of others. Others, she thinks, must see her as she won’t admit she sees herself. You see this especially with her parents -- She thinks Angrboda must be disappointed in her, this daughter of a she-wolf who allowed herself to be tamed by the work of the Aesir. She is sure that Loki should hate for all the years she spent doubting him under Odin’s influence. She hates herself, and her weaknesses, and she pushes it upon those that love her. She can’t grasp their unconditional love, cannot see how she deserves it, so she flips it to her own personal narrative of how she should be perceived by those she thinks she failed.

Sublimation is taken to the point of martyrdom for Hel. She does not get angry, she gets clever. She does not get upset, she removes herself from the situation. While these are good coping mechanisms, Hel uses it to the point of denying any negative feelings whatsoever. She does not express anger or sorrow for her own circumstances. She thinks this was the downfall of Sigyn’s sons, and so she has stifled it so tightly that the feelings cannot even be understood any longer. And that is unhealthy, no matter what she might use as alternatives. Anger and sadness are natural emotions, and she refuses to see them as anything but a way to surrender control.

 At this point, anything is better than Hel’s grin and bear it attitude. Therapy would be an absolute miracle for someone like her, but that would mean admitting there is a problem and letting someone else in -- something her various issues have barred her from doing for so long.

[baddcop]

🎵🎵🎵🎵

MUSE MUSIC MEME.  * ( NO LONGER ACCEPTING. )

You sent four so I’m bouta go apeshit and do 4 songs oop. 👀

I’M NOT A SAINT. - BILLY RAFFOUL.

Well I’ve had one too many cigarettes burning up my lungsHad the taste of one too many lips hanging of my tongueSunday morning getting high, drinking here aloneThinking up a brand new alibi for not coming homeAnd I’m sorry I say “fuck” so much.

I’m not a saint, but I could be if I tryLord knows I’ve got habits to breakI’m really good at being good at goodbyesI’m gonna give you fair warning that II’m not a saint, but I could be if I tryLord knows I don’t learn from mistakesAnd I’m not here unless I’m here by your sideI’m not a saint, but I could be if I

I’m sure at this point it’s been made painfully aware how much Gavin depends on drinking, sex, fights and so on to cope with how he feels. (Although he doesn’t show it) and while he knows he shouldn’t do so he tends to self sabotage his relationships out of fear of rejection, which usually works. He tends to use it as a shield while also feeling guilty about it, as well as feeling angry and wanting someone to blame. It’s a sort of vicious cycle he’s in and he’d really rather be better because he knows he could be. Gavin is painfully smart, a lot smarter than I think he’s given credit for and a lot smarter than he lets on. It’s part of what makes him good at his job (and he is good at his job when he wants to be of course.)

Sober up and settle down, give a little talk‘Bout how I can’t keep from runnin’ ‘roundSay it’s not your fault, oh, ohAnd I’m sorry I lie so much

Gavin lies, he lies and fronts and is aggressive because that’s his only defense. He can’t seem to get out of the cycle he’s put himself into even though he knows he could be better and even though he knows it’s not exactly good for him. Misery is a comfort to him, it’s all he’s ever known, pain and being alone is what he understands and anything outside of that frightens him. It frightens him because he’s scared it will end, scared about how much it’s going to hurt when he has to go back to what he knows. And it’s a case of a self-fulfilling prophecy. He pushes people away or doesn’t try and eventually they leave and it solidifies that beliefe that he can’t be happy, that he doesn’t deserve it and that any happiness he feels is a fluke and will eventually end. It’s scary for him because he can’t control another person and he thrives on being in control, having it taken from him or having to be out of control is mortifying and he never wants to feel like how he felt when he was a kid ever again. Unfortunately, he’s gone to extremes to do so and sadly it’s worked just how it was supposed to, whether he intended to do it or not.

I’m gonna give you fair warning that IWill be the reason for the tears in your eyes

Gavin knows how he is. He knows he’s messy, depressed, angry, jealous and possessive. He knows how he acts and how he keeps people at bay and he doesn’t know how not to do so. So when someone gets close to him he tends to lock up and try to warn them, another sort of self-fulfilling prophecy type of situation where he uses it both as a means of keeping people at bay and at removing responsibility from himself to try and avoid guilt. A lot of the time he’ll use the “Well I told you– I told you how I was. This always happens. It was bound to happen again” stuff as an excuse because he hates how guilty he feels and he doesn’t want to admit that vulnerability.

GO FUCK YOURSELF. - TWO FEET.

Fucked and drank all nightActed all alrightHad no need to fightTonight, tonight

As stated previously, Gavin uses sex, alcohol and so on to cope. It definitely helps him to release his built up aggression, his need for touch, and control. Effectively, it’s the perfect means of guarding himself. He’s allowed to be in full control, he can play the role of a charming stranger for the night, he receives touch and sexual attention with no strings. Usually, if he’s looking to sate that need he’ll avoid fighting and opt instead for keeping his face unbattered to better catch people’s eyes. Men or women or whatever he doesn’t care. As long as he gets to be in control he enjoys it. Every now and then he caves and submits, is raw and relinquishes control to his fling and disappears into the night glad to never see them again and have to deal with the baggage and embarrassment of them knowing some weakness he perceives himself to have.

Cast me far awayPlay these little gamesActin’ all okayToday, today

Using his anger as a shield, as well as his rather rough behavior towards friends and coworkers, comes to him like second nature. He’s been doing it for so long he can’t imagine not pushing people away. It’s effectively the way he keeps people’s eyes off of him, no one cares to look for long when they don’t care and when they don’t really know how deep that hurt runs. He’d rather he keep people at a distance and that they return the favor, it’s much safer for him like that. Tina, Christ, they don’t know how much he carries around or just what he’s gone through. And he likes it like that.

ME, MYSELF & I. - G-EAZY & BEBE REXHA.

Oh, it’s just me, myself and ISolo ride until I die‘Cause I got me for life (Yeah)Oh, I don’t need a hand to holdEven when the night is coldI got that fire in my soul

Gavin effectively believes he’s going to die alone. He’s thought about it more than once, he’s thought about it when he was younger and he kind of tries to come to terms with that “fact” by ignoring it completely. He tries to convince himself and others that he’s better off alone and that he’ll be fine on his own. It’s a lie. He finds it really hard to trust people as a direct result of how much he was kicked around, abused, neglected and moved around like baggage as a child.

Hun, and as far as I can see, I just need privacyPlus a whole lot of tree, fuck all this modestyI just need space to do meGive the world what they’re tryna see […]‘Cause this hunger is drivin’ me, yeahI just need to be alone, I just need to be at homeUnderstand what I’m speakin’ onIf time is money I need a loanBut regardless I’ll always keep keepin’ onFuck fake friends!We don’t take L’s, we just make M’sWhile y'all follow, we just make trendsI’m right back to work when that break ends, yeah.

Everyone else in the precinct effectively has some kind of life, something outside of work. In my own personal headcanons, Tina is married, Chris is a father, Hank is babysitting Connor now that he works there. (no one with these muses has to agree to these I was just trying to flesh out the world Gavin is involved in) Everyone but Gavin at the office seems to have some sort of family or closeness outside of work. Gavin, however, does not. He’s given everything he can to this job, his career is everything to him and he uses it to keep people at bay once again. He is absolutely a very intelligent and driven man underneath all of his issues, and he’s smart enough to be bothered by the fact that he feels incredibly lonely. Yet, instead of changing, he once again just delves into his work, using anger as a means to guard himself claiming that he just needs his privacy, wants to focus on his career, trying to use his hunger to advance his career as a means to put himself above his coworkers.

Yeah, and I don’t like talkin’ to strangersSo get the fuck off me, I’m anxiousI’m tryna be cool, but I may just go ape shitSay “Fuck y'all!” to all of y'all facesIt changes though now that I’m famousEveryone knows how this lifestyle is dangerousBut I love it, the rush is amazin’Celebrate nightly and everyone ragesI found how to cope with my angersI’m swimmin’ in moneySwimmin’ in liquor, my liver is muddyBut it’s all good, I’m still sippin’ this bubblyThis shit is lovely, this shit ain’t random, I didn’t get luckyMade it right here ‘cause I’m sick with it, cuddyThey all take the money for grantedBut don’t want to work for it—tell me now, isn’t it funny? (Nah)

I really really think that Gav actually has anxiety and depression as a result of his trauma. This isn’t made very stereotypically obvious as he uses his sort of brutality and anger to overcompensate and impress people. But he can’t stand silence. He tends to bury that anxiety beneath his anger so he can more “safely” express it as “Fuck you”s and so on. Coping with his feelings via alcohol, fighting, looking for an adrenaline rush. He’s absolutely reckless sometimes both because he doesn’t care, and because he absolutely thinks he’s smart enough to get away with it. The success he’s achieved thus far isn’t something he ever places on luck no matter what, it’s the one thing he holds firm on that he worked hard for and he will without a doubt drag you if you’re not willing to put the time into your craft or goals to achieve it.

Yeah, lonely nights I laid awakePray to Lord my soul to takeMy heart’s become too cold to breakKnow I’m great, but I’m broke as hellHavin’ dreams that I’m foldin’ cakeAll my life I’ve been told to waitBut I'ma get it now, yeah, it’s no debate.

The detective has spent a lot of time on his own, that’s no surprise and I’ve probably overstated it at this point. The nights he doesn’t go out looking for a fight or fuck are… much worse honestly. He drinks himself into sleeping after a night of blasting music, screaming and howling into the night, breaking things and punching walls. Knowing full well he’s exempt from noise complaints being filed because of the landlord. He tries to do anything to drown out the noise in his head. Reed is completely aware of how cold he is, it keeps him safe but he’s absolutely broken up about it, although he’d never admit it and tries never to show it. Emotions have never been “safe” for Gavin to show, he’s been screamed at relentless inches from his face for it as a child, for crying for being sad, for being a child. Always pushed aside, never made a priority until much later in his life, until he self-sabotaged that too. Now that he’s been on his own for so long he’s not stopping for anything anymore, he’s going for what he wants and only what he wants even if it destroys him. He is angry and wounded about his past still and wants to hurt people because of it, wants to take it out on them, despite knowing it’s not really their fault. It’s just another unhealthy outlet.

ASSHOLE. - HOOLIGAN CHASE. (TW: FOR DRUG MENT.)

Baby, I’m a bad boy, I might hurt youI need a therapist and a perc too[…] I ain’t got no drugs, I’m turnin’ to an asshole

This song effectively encompasses everything about Gavin’s front. It’s a lot more vulgar and Horny than the other songs on his playlist, the entire beat just radiates his energy and so do some really key lyrics. Reed, as stated before, tends to warn people that he’s an asshole when he’s gotten into relationships as a means of omitting guilt “when” it goes wrong and to keep himself safe. Despite being a cop now, Gav’s nose wasn’t always clean for lack of a better phrase. (While he’s mostly clean now he narrowly avoided getting into quite a lot of trouble.) While he’s aware he needs some form of professional help subconsciously, he’s far too afraid to get it for himself and doesn’t really see a point as he views himself a bit like a lost cause.

[songofproserpine]

To sum up today’s conclusion in therapy: Embrace the struggle.

The details:

I had a trauma dream last night that was also a lucid dream. I knew I was dreaming, and didn’t want to keep enduring the nightmare, but when I tried to escape, my brain wouldn’t let me. I felt locked into it, trapped by my own brain, despite my desire and active attempt to break free.

Leading into this, all day yesterday I was daydreaming about conversations with people I admire, yet these fantasies were just ways to brickbat (it’s a word, look it up) all my attempts to comfort myself. Instead of imagining situations where me and this person had a genuine heart to heart, I imagined them arguing with me, making me defend myself; I imagined myself having to deal with their scorn and ridicule instead of their kindness.

I think–and I didn’t say this in therapy, but I imagine my doctor agrees–that these two are connected: the feeling of powerlessness/needing to defend myself from my own self, and the inability to imagine external comfort without also needing to be on my guard.

My responses to stressors or outright triggers is to either be petulantly angry–like a child stamping her foot and saying no–or shutting down completely, retreating into silence and isolation until the mood passes. I am constantly torn between these two reactions, which often manifest as anger outright, when it’s actually more like fear or sadness. The latter example–retreating, going ‘dark’–usually leads to more constructive and useful things: I put on music and start thinking about my stories, all the ways to fix this or that, what I want to do for another one, how I can improve it or expand on something I already established. Or I start cleaning, play a game, reach out to some friends. When I was in school and when I had a job, I would throw myself into my studies or focus intensely on an assigned task to do.

It’s the first response–the reflexive, childish response–that I have the most trouble with. I don’t want to react that way to triggers, to distressing, terrifying situations. I can’t do anything with childish fear and powerlessness. I can’t do anything but feel it. It’s as useless and infuriating as someone telling me, “That’s not fair!” when I explain to them all the things that happened to me. Yeah, I know it’s not fucking fair–that doesn’t comfort me. That doesn’t make me feel better, and I’d rather not hear it (though I’m trying to come around to the way of thinking that this is someone’s way of expression compassion and sympathy? It’s just not my brand of the thing).

My doctor asked if, when these moments happen (the reflexive “no”), if in my head I feel like a child, like do I regress or something. I said it’s more that I’m seeing it as a childish, immature reaction to have, because it doesn’t lead to anything constructive or useful. It’s as simple and pointless as a temper tantrum. And then he said something interesting: what if that reflex is a way that my mind responds to feelings that I can’t easily name, understand, or control? Which is something a child does.

Children’s behavior–the loud screaming of toddlers, the explosive energy of lil’uns–seems to be based on that, right? They have so much inside them that their brains and bodies don’t know how to contain it, so it’s just this one big burst of noise. And my brain, for whatever fucking reason (is it the trauma? The personality disorder?) responds in a similar way, because it can’t deal with how it’s feeling.

Which ties into the summary of the session: embrace the struggle.

I am, for whatever reason, always going to be at war with my own nature. The “good”, the “bad”, the dreamy and ideal naivete, the hardened, bitter cynic, etc.–all these things are always ever going to be at odds with each other, tearing me in between it. That’s it. Period. Much like the Buddhist credo “Life is suffering” is a complete statement, empty of judgment or an emotional exploration of that fact, the phrase “Embrace the struggle” is something I have to just… let sit in my head.

And this happens to me all the time. All the time. Every single day is like this back and forth. Sometimes it’s fun–me constantly connecting outside things (memes, video games, books, movies, characters) to the things I’m thinking/feeling. Sometimes I can make them into jokes. And other times it’s a weight that crushes the air out of me.

The point is that every single day is like this for me. I am constantly struggling in some way.

Kyo said something that reminds me of this a few years back, for a Mobile Q&A. When asked about a motto/phrase that he liked, he responded with:  反逆精神. Rebellious spirit. And I think… that’s something I have to adopt here. I have to be my own rebel, against myself, against external, harmful things. I have to fight. And sometimes that’s going to be hard, harder than I can endure. And sometimes I won’t know how to start or even get it to stop. Sometimes I won’t want to do it at all.

But I have to. Period. End of the sentence.

Because sometimes… the struggle isn’t all that bad. Sometimes it’s comforting, freeing. Sometimes it’s empowering. Sometimes it’s like how it feels to write and edit–I am in a constant process of perfecting and honing my craft, channeling my ideas into their purest state. That’s still a struggle, isn’t it? I’m still fighting to make something emerge how I want it to be. It just isn’t as demoralizing and heartbreaking or soul-draining as the struggle, say, to cope with trauma, or a stressor, or the unbearable agony of existing in a world that’s this fucked up.

But I have to. Period. End of the sentence.

So, I will. I’ll try.

ETA: A less trite way of phrasing it, which I like because of its irreverence: Fuckin’ fight me. I’ll PvP with my own broken brain, I don’t give a fuck. Nobody’s gonna take me down--not even me.

[actualtirefire]

mind, stress

[Health Meme]

mind: does my muse have any mental conditions that affect their lives? what are they? how do they handle them? what coping methods do they use most?

Hoooboi. Sure does. Her symptoms are not as extreme as her older-part. But she still has C-PTSD. This usually manifests into insomnia, not eating regularly, being uneasy in 99% of public and private settings, being prone to flashbacks, trigger words, seeking out self-destructive behavior in a misguided attempt to process trauma, outburst of anger, and--occasionally--hallucinations. Much more mild than Devang's, but still on her peripheral from time to time making her antsy and uncomfortable.

Roka's go-to for dealing with her problems is to be a fucking disaster. Her best 'coping' method is exerting maximum energy and transmuting everything into anger. Converting what should be crying it out into 'productivity'. Failing that; Drug use and sex work--but not the safest kind. Failing any of that; Hide in the bottom of her closet and wait for it to pass.

stress: does my muse handle stress well? what is a surefire sign for others to tell that they’ve become stressed? how does stress affect them mentally / physically?

Debatable. She has a lot of outlets, but not a lot of healthy coping. She thinks she handles it well. In a dire situation she is very calm and able to work her way to a favorable outcome. In less than dire situations she figures being riotous is good enough. Anger gets things done. But you and I can spot gray rocking and lack of anger management.

Roka carries stress in her eyes, jaw, shoulders, and back. Nearly constantly. When under stress I would say that it's just...the anger issues flare up (though that's a trash way to pinpoint--she gets riled up over nothing and sometimes for fun). Um, fidgeting, maybe? Avoiding eye contact even more than usual. Uptick in self-destructive behaviors. Lack of humor in some cases. Complete lack of facial expression.

Well, I answered the third part already throughout.

[astrafoundarchive-blog]

                                Keith  has  undiagnosed  BPD  ,   it’s  not  something  he  can     recognise     or  tell  you  he  has  ,   to  him  he  just  has  anger  issues  &   is  bad  at  coping  with  abandonment  .   He’s  not  the  best  at  keeping  it  from  greatly  affecting  him  ,   although  he  does  adopt  a  few  self  care  practices  to  help  ground  &   calm  him  .

                                              I  would  like  to  preface  this  with  credit  to     @lgcykpt     for  not only the  meme  header  but  also  talking  about  her  BPD  experiences  to  help  my  understanding  &   guide  my  own  research  .   I  would  also  like  to  ask  that  if  I  am  offensive  in  my  portrayal  of  this     (  despite  my  best  efforts  not  to  )     to  call  me  out  either  in  my  ask  box  or  IM’s  ,   anywhere  I  can  see  it  &  I’ll  adjust  accordingly  !!

                                First  I’m  going  to  go  into  the  symptoms  he  displays  &  how  they  affect  him  daily  ,   then  i’m  going  to  go  into  what  actually  caused  it’s  development  ,   the  rest  is  under  a  read  more  bc  it  got  Long  .

                                 VERY  EMOTIONAL  -----   This  doesn’t  mean  he  cries  at  the  drop  of  a  hat  or  anything  ,   he  feels  like  anyone  else  does  ,   just  more     intensely    .   If  to  him  ,   a  situation  warrants  anger  ,   he  feels     fury    .    If  it  calls  for  sadness  he  feels  depression  ,  grief  .   Things  hit  him  &   they  hit  him     hard    ,   imagine  feeling  far  more  extremely  than  you  should  &   for  far  longer  until  you  abruptly  switch  to  another  strong  emotion  .     Naturally  this  will  wipe  him  out  &   as  an  introverted  person  he  will  tend  to  withdraw  &   try  to  deal  with  this  on  his  own     (   either  listening  to  his  soft  music  ,   or  training  ,   he  is  tired  but  he  won’t  sleep  ,   this  is  another  headcanon  for  another  day  .   )

                                 EMPATHETIC  -----   Yes  ,   he  is  .   Before  you  try  to  fight  me  on  this  ,   he  is  in  tune  with  other  peoples  emotions  ,   he  picks  up  what  they  are  feeling  without  them  needing  to     tell     him  .   His  problem  is  in  that  he  doesn’t  know  how  to  relay  that  to  them  &   provide  the     support     they  need  .   For  example  ,   in  s4  when  Lance  comes  to  him  basically  saying  he  feels  like  he’s  useless  now  ;   Keith  picks  up  on  it  &   he  understands  ,   he     tries     to  help  ,   but  it  just  doesn’t  come  across  in  a  way  that’s  helpful  .   This  is  something  he  will  learn  in  time  because  he  genuinely  does  care  &   wants  to  help  ,   he  just  doesn’t  know  how  to  comfort  with  words  ,   as     communication     is  a  huge  problem  for  him  .

                                 FEAR  OF  ABANDONMENT  -----   This  isn’t  a  strange  concept  to Keith’s  character  ,   he  has  &   always  will  feel  a  strong  worry  over  being  abandoned  ,   to  the  point  of     creating     that  abandonment  for  himself     (   from  freezing  himself  out  of  the  team  to  join  the  bom  ,   to  avoiding  Lance  &   genuinely  believing  Lance  hated  him  because  they  are  ‘Rivals’   &   taking  the  teasing / rivalry  far  more  seriously  than  intended   )    .   Being  abandoned  by  his  mother  was  the  main  driving  force  behind  the     development     of  his  bpd  .   Then  in  his  later     crucial     years  his  father  left  ,   shiro  &   matt  left     (   imagine  being  told  the  last  people  you  were  close  to  on  this  earth  are  dead  ,   yeah   )     this  all  built  up  to  a  complete  &   utter  weakness  to  the  notion  of  being  abandoned  .    

                                 This  also  plays  into  a  hyper-vigilance  re:     rejection  ;   any  notion  of  someone  not  being  100%  committed  to  a  relationship  or  other  commitment  can  trigger  a  very  strong  emotional  reaction  .   Usually  it’s     anger     because  he  directs  all  negative  emotions  into  that  because  to  him  it’s  slightly  easier  to  understand  &   express     (   he  yells  ,   he  trains  ,   he  hits  things   )    .   This  is  also  a  huge  part  of  his  difficulty  trusting  people  &   skewed  sense  of  self  worth  ,   they  all  tie  into  this  &   are  why  he  keeps  people  at  arms  length  for  far  longer  than  he  logically  needs  to  .

                                 ANGER  &   IRRITABILITY  -----   Another  not  strange  concept   is  Keith’s     anger  issues    .   I’ve  touched  on  this  in  most  of  all  the  other  points  but  anger  is  an  emotion  Keith  can  handle  better  than  others  ,   i’m  not  saying  he’s  levelheaded  about  it  ,   more  the  opposite  .   Keith     understands     anger  ,   it’s  a  simple  emotion  &   one  very  easily     expressed   -----    he’s  angry  ,   he  hits  things  ,   he’s  slightly  less  angry  .   He  will  also  yell  at  people  because  of  the  sheer  strength  to  which  he’s  feeling  these  emotions  .   An  impulsive  guy  to  begin  with  ,   if   you  put  him  in  a     high  pressure     situation     (   even  one  that’s  just  high  pressure  to     him  )     he  can  snap  &   lash  out  with  harsh  ,   loud  words  &   actions  .   He     will     use  his  anger  to  fight  enemies  ,   however  &   say  it  with  me  now  ----------   Keith  .   Is  .   Not  .   Abusive  .     He  has  never  &   will  never  take  his  anger  out  physically  on  someone  he  cares  about  .   Get  that  disgusting  trope / stereotype / bullshit  away  from  me  .

                               IMPULSIVE  &   DISORGANISED  THINKING  -----   He  will  jump  between  doing  x  then  doing  y  without  seemingly  much  thought  at  all  .   This  falls  into  the  black  &  white  /     splitting     way  of  thinking  .   He’s  either     all  or  nothing     ,   he  loves  a  person  or  he  hates  them  ,   he’s  ready  to  fight  or  he  just  doesn’t  care  .   Obviously  because  he’s  ultimately  human  ,   he  doesn’t  do  this  all  the  time  or  to  the  same  degree  with  everything  ,   but  it  happens  .   He  knows  it’s  not  rational  but  at  the  time  it  makes  all  the  sense  in  the  world  ,   so  it’s  hard  to  monitor  .   His  impulsive  &   dangerous  behaviour  is  another  sign  of  bpd  ;   always  being  ready  to  jump  into a  fight  where  the  odds  are  against  him  ,   reckless  &  risky  driving / flying  ,   not  backing  out  of  any  sort  of  challenge  ect.  

WHAT  CAUSED  IT  ?  ---------

                                In  growing  up  Keith  never     learned  to  cope     properly  ,   with  his  mother  leaving  &   then  his  father  .   He  didn’t  have  the  constant  parental  presence  required  to     learn     this  emotional  maturity  &   thus  he’s  stuck  in  a  state  of  impulsiveness  &   very  outward  reactions  to  things  that  don’t  always  warrant  this  .   He  feels  emotions  very  strongly     (  overwhelmingly  so  )     &   has  no  real  healthy  way  ,   besides  his  music  ,   to  dispose  of  it  .   So  he  lashes  out  ,   he  trains  ,   he  takes  his  anger  out  on  whatever  he  can  in  hopes  of  not  taking  it  out  on  anyone  he  cares  about  .   However  the  sadness  ,   the  lack  of  self  importance ,   the     fear     ,   he  sits on  that  ,   he  doesn’t  know  what  to  do  with  it  &   it  shows  .   While  it  wouldn’t  be  able  to  be     diagnosed     before  18  ,   he  has  always  shown  these  symptoms  to  a  point  because  he  is  still  meant  to  be  emotionally  developing  &   also  has  experienced  trauma  from  a  young  age  which  makes  it  all  harder  for  him  to  adjust  to  on his  own  ,   thus  the  development  of  the  disorder  .   

                                 He  has  never  really  had  a     strong  sense  of  self  &    it’s  an  element  that  plays  an  important  role  through  his  entire narrative  .   He’s  always  been  different  &   doesn’t  know  why  until  he  learns  the  origin  of  his  blade  .   This  is  the  beginning  of  his  healing  from  part  of  his  trauma  ,   it’s  a  long  road  &   he  will  never  be  the  Keith  he  would  have  been  if  this  trauma  didn’t  exist  in  his  life  ,   but  he  will  eventually  find  a  place  where  he’s  better  &   more  emotionally  stable  .     Ultimately  what  defines  it  as  bpd  is  that  all  these  symptoms  he  never  really  grows  out  of  due  to  lacking  that  emotional  maturity  he  should  have  learned / been  taught  but  never  did  .  

                                 Side  note  :   His     Galra     temperament  does  play  on  this  &   make  his  experiences  more  extreme  than  they  would  probably  be  if  he  were  fully  human  .    

[heavyyhearts-blog]

actually heres my side

“ first, before getting to real stuff, aya has done this to other people in the past too. when she talked about them to me she said they abused her or abandoned her suddenly. i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off. i don’t have permission to post these logs so out of respect i won’t put them here. “

ive never been very clear in talking about my past experiences with most people. you make this sound as if every person that's ever "abandoned me" were all "abused" by me, when that's not the case. have i acted in shitty ways to some people? yes, but it never had anything to do with me being abandoned, at any point. one of these people, actually straight up disappeared from my life, and i have no idea why. they disappeared off skype and i havent seen them since. we had no problems between eachother whatsoever. a different example i can think of for someone i was talking about? they left because i was too stressful to be around. as in, i always complained too much and that kind of thing and it was too much to be around. i didnt even know them very long.  another example of a person i mentioned with that: they had really bad schizophrenia and like, trauma issues, and what happened there? they'd randomly like? actually start basically splitting on me and getting extremely angry at me out of nowhere for no reason, which i tried to be really tolerable of, until things basically got too much for either of us to handle and after a bit of dumb drama, we separated with , i believe, no hard feelings.

my point being? when i say "ive been abandoned by a lot of people" or whatever, im not literally claiming that i was abused by literally everyone and im some huge victim, lol. that last example? you could probably say i was abused due to the level of pent up anger they were throwing at me, , unprovoked

“ i’ve only talked to one of these people, but they confirmed that aya actually abused, and then stalked them when they cut her off “

first of all, this happened literal years ago. second of all, this person is still full of shit and i can't believe they still insist all of these bullshit lies. "aya stalked me" i hadnt visited your blog for months, i'd literally forgotten about you, yet you somehow still had it set in your head that i was "stalking" you. i wanted to remake my blog for a multitude of reasons, and one of them being, a more back of my mind thing, was, i didnt want you viewing my blog. so i remade. and, like, 2-3 days later, i got paranoid that you had somehow found my new blog, entirely new, so i asked my friend to go see if my new url was on there, because i didnt want to go back on your blog myself. and sure enough, there it was, my new url, even though i hadn't given it out to anyone or posted it anywhere, meaning you literally searched through notes of a post or something along those lines to find it. yeah ive explained this so many times now its fun :) not to mention your shitty friend(s) that would constantly twist my words around and lie saying i was doingthings that i didnt. and your only "proof" was logs of talking shit about me behind my back to one of my friends, you had no screenshots of me doing anything, because guess what, i never did it. wow. "i dont have screenshots because i deleted them all" okay bud. anyway

and now here's my main issue with everything: you are "calling me out" for things we have already personally talked about, that we either resolved, or i apologized for/said that i would try to stop doing so i can better myself which i have actually done? so i literally do not understand why youre calling me out for shit as if im some malicious person trying to hurt people that's just completely incapable of getting better or whatever. lets start

“i’ve tried to cut her off several times, both by trying to talk and express my want to stop talking to her first and by just blocking/ignoring her on everything. i made it clear i wanted to stop talking the first couple of times. she will spam and beg me and make new accounts if she has to. once ive added her back however she’s used that against me”

okay youre calling me out for this but you admitted what you did was fucked up too? and i dont know what else to even say to this other than im going to try to stop getting so attached to people like that so i maybe dont have such bad mental breakdowns every time i thnk someone close to me is leaving like sorry i cant. help feeling that way or control this thing specifically unless i just dont get attached like that at all, which is my fault.

[x] [x] [x]

here, you post a completely out of context rant from me, where i got mad at something you did that you literally admitted was fucked up. full context!

[x] [x] [x] [x] [x]

you even told me you had no idea what you were talking about with any of it.

“ one of the times that we weren’t talking she DMd my twitter mutuals asking them to screenshot my recent tweets. “

i told you my reason for it. i was extremely paranoid that you were talking shit about me behind my back and i wanted to know if you were or not, even though i did it in a really shitty way. i instantly felt so beyond terrible that i had done that. i was sobbing the entire time i was trying to apologize for how fucked up and wrong it was of me to do that, and even apologized for it again later after it had happened already. because i wanted to make sure you knew how sorry i was for it. i cant take something like that back.

[x] [x]

“recently, after getting so upset with me for doing the same thing in the past, she randomly blocked me on everything and refused to talk to me. i would understand if she hadn’t previously gotten so mad and upset at me for the exact same thing. “

?? i split really bad just like i already have been, due to , as i've already exlpained, the nonstop bad things we've had between us for months, to the point i havent been able to talk to you like normal anymore, because just seeing you pisses me off and everything you say/do will just piss me off. i cant help that. its not my fault. i cant just not split like that because we've had fucked up problems for months, that, guess what, shouldnt even be public here for all reasons ive already stated! but i also did it just because ive been deciding i need to get away from you for good, that i dont WANT to talk to you at all anymore. sucks to be treated the way you treat others right.

“ i posted on my twitter saying i wanted to drink and she instantly messaged me begging and spamming me not to “

and everything else like stalling, pressuring you etc. this is still. we talked about this. i said sorry. i got better about it. why do i have a callout.

[x] [x]

like this is literally all just trying to make me look bad in ways that i'm not. nice try, though!

“ when i cc’d bakugou and she tried to make me explain my trauma to make it Valid “

you're trying to make me look bad again. i was just asking because i was anxious wanted to know the reasoning for it and im sorry for pressing it at all but that doesnt mean i was trying to make you explain it so it could be "valid" shut the fuck up lol i even explained to you afterwards why it made me so uncomfortable and that it didnt bother me anymore, that i thought you were just blindly cc'ing him for no real reason like i just assumed it wasnt a coping thing or anything and thats my fault but??? youre trying to make me look bad for it so??? i'd even keep sending you fanart of him like.

[x]

“ she was extremely dependent on me and would spam me if i fell asleep before she woke up, she’d got upset and started splitting on me because i didn’t return her feelings of attraction. “

wat...

“ second, she’s blaming everything on her BPD and “not being able to help it,” or “can’t control herself” “

well, as you can clearly see, ive been anything but that??? but if you wanna keep telling yourself that, go ahead. have i said things LIKE that before? yes, when i was freaking out, over certain things i actually can't help, for example: abandonment trauma??? and like i said before: i need to try to not get so attached to people in the first place so that doesnt happen anymore! otherwise, should some sort of situation like that happen again, i can't handle getting that level of upset. so i prevent that by not getting that level of attached at all. like sorry but theres certain things nobody can help, even you. you're just trying to make it sound like this entire thing has been nothing but "i cant help it"

and lastly, we can't forget the fact that, for a long time, you wouldn't tell me anything. literally anything. i would repeatedly ask you. "what do i do that bothers you what am i doing wrong" etc and all you'd ever say was "idk" 95% of the time. i had absolutely no idea that for the longest time, i had been saying a lot of manipulative, shitty things and acting bad and etc, slash i had no idea that some of my episodes were actually affecting you that badly until way too late.

when you first told me that i had been acting so shitty, through a jpeg meme that was making fun of me, did i realize how awful i was being. i honest to god never had any idea and i explained this to you countless times. that i was  oblivious/i can be oblivious to shitl ike that and that i need you to tell me, otherwise I WONT KNOW.

nice meme. :) but yeah clearly this is still an accurate representation of me, right?

[x] [x]

yeah, you got me though. im a toxic, abusive piece of shit that will never get better, all i do is hurt others, i can't change, ive never apologized, ive never gotten better. totally

and since we're playing this game,

and now that i've said all this, i have nothing else to say. i can't make anyone believe me, but if you do, thanks.