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puhpandas · 3 months

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plural anon from earlier figured id offer some info since you mentioned wanting to learn! obvious preface that im not an expert and this is just from my experience and what ive learned from others :) everyones experiences vary and im definitely not the be all end all lol

also this may get long, its a bit of an infodump! ^^;

i figured first id explain some of the stuff i said. i refer to myself as “plural” mostly, and said “plural system” as system is more often used from what ive seen, and plural offers more context to me. its honestly up to the person what they want to be referred to with. plural, plural system, plural person, just system, a collective, a group, there are probably more but those are the main ones i can think of!

also i should probably clarify, i said “pseudo-plurality” referring to the in-universe rab and vanny, as it isnt really confirmed whether that is an act put on by glitchtrap/will/mimic, or vanessa, or something, or if its actually a separate person. (i like to think of them as headmates/alters, but given that they are villains some folks dont want to which is also fair! it was very common to use the “evil alter” trope in horror so it can definitely put people on edge and rub them the wrong way. i like to explore and see this concept explored, but obviously with the headmates being actual people, not just boiled down to “ooo evil alter” for scare factor. i read a fic once where vanny was formed as a response to williams invasion and manipulation to protect vanessa, which is way more interesting to me than the evil alter trope!)

also, i should warn with the previous paragraph, if you do ever explore the idea of rab or vanny being opposition to gregory and vanessa, some people might get upset even if you are doing it well. unfortunately its the internet and theres a lot of bad rep out there and a lot of mean people. im sure you know the drill tho.

more general thing, some systems prefer to say headmates, some prefer alters, some prefer other words, some just refer to them as their friends or as the others. its dependent on the person! and the “main” person is called the host usually, or the core, typically the core ive seen used for systems who consider themselves to be “facets” of that core. my underdtanding of facets is that theyre more like branches off the host, rather than fully separate (ive seen some people use “admin” or other similar words too tho lol). the host is often said to be the “original” person, in the case of gregory and vanessa, those two would be the hosts, and rab and vanny would be alters/headmates/etc. but hosts dont HAVE to be the original person, it can change. i dont know the exacts of what makes a host a host, but from my understanding its basically a role someone has. and not every system uses roles or falls into them, for example id argue that the daycare attendant has “roles” in their system (moon takes care of naptime, sun takes care of playtime) but lacks an actual designated host, possibly because they dont really feel a need for one and just work(ed) as a unit.

on the topic of the daycare attendant, some plural folk will use a collective name or a “singletsona” (singlet just referring to a nonplural individual) of sorts. the daycare attendant has a collective name, which is, yk, “the daycare attendant” as it can refer to any/all of them. and rab sort of used gregory as a singletsona as opposed to telling his friends hes rab (sort of. he did use it as a pen name). in the same vein, there are also global pronouns, first person pronouns, and collective pronouns (these are the best ways i can simplify them lol).

global pronouns - for us anyways - are pronouns everybody can be referred to with. for us, our main global pronoun is it/its.

first person pronouns is just, how the person talks when referring to themself/themselves. i/me, us/we, and a mix of both. some systems only use plural first person pronouns when referring to the system/multiple folks in the system, some just always use we/us, some use i/me regardless, as usually it depends on the system and some stuff i havent even gone into. and for collective pronouns, its similar to the global pronoun thing, except its just the system as one entity’s pronouns. often it is the plural or singular they/them, we personally like plural and singular it/its for our system. its kinda like the bodys pronouns, which is why it can be singular to me. i hope thst made sense!

oh before i cut myself off i should probably mention switching. i dont switch out really so i cant provide much here but some systems experience amnesia/time loss/etc, some dont, but like i said i cant give you much because i dont switch out. im sure someone else can help with that ^^;

this ask is already very very long, so i wont go into other stuff like monoconscious, polyconscious, co-conscious, co-fronting, being frontstuck, sticky front, headspace/inner world, system origins(which will inevitably include system discourse thing unfortunately), headmate sources, source memories, introjects…… theres a Lot and i dont think i would even have enough characters to send an ask with everything i know

i hope this wasnt way overdoing it, i learned a lot from prior to and after i learned i was plural because i enjoy researching topics like this, and sharing the information i know is fun!

also you said you werent feeling well, hope you feel better soon!

thank you for the info anon! it helped a lot to understand more and was very insightful! I appreciate all you put into this!!

#pandas.txt #pandas asks #and thank you for the get well soon=)#pandas talks #save

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leidensygdom · 2 months

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Ur strength is definitely color and line work. Something I would say needs some work is definitely your full body drawings and poses. Your poses are always static and rigid and (especially when in motion) it takes me a moment to figure out what the character is supposed to be doing. Your anatomy is fine, its the stiffness of the over all pose thats the issue. It makes your pieces lack energy and any real umph. Your beautiful use of color and line usually covers for this but for me (someone who also struggles with this) it pops out like a sore thumb.

To practice, id suggest doing gesture drawings (1 minute sketches of action poses) to really understand how the body moves fluidly and to practice capturing that energy. Id also suggest doing 5-10 minute studies of full body figures in which you specifically observe how the pose affects the distribution of weight. How the torso curves in relation to the pose (your torsos are often very vertical and stiff) and how their muscles, fat, and clothing stretch, bulge, or fold depending on the pose.

Try to keep things loose during these studies and focus on capturing the energy of the pose over perfect anatomy. Focusing on anatomy can often be a distraction and can actually detract from capturing the fluid movement of a pose when you are first learning. You dont want to be thinking about anatomy during a 1 or 5 or 10 minute study if that is not what you are trying to learn.

While doing gesture drawings, its important that you move fast and dont get hung up on details. Get the line of action in there and the general shapes of the figure. Focus more on the movement of the figure over anatomy or details. Feel the rhythm in the pose and do your best to capture it. Id suggest doing 10 or 20 of these at a time. Sites like Line of Action are great for studies like this.

For 5-10 minute studies you want to build on the rhythm you developed during the 1 minute studies. Again, you want to focus on the movement of the pose over the details. Keep shapes simplified and force yourself to think in the abstract. A vibe i get from looking at ur art is that you get focused on the small details while losing sight of the big picture (might be wrong bout this but its something i also struggle with lolol) so during studies its important to keep ur mind on the bigger picture. Focusing in on small details adds to the stiffness of a piece as instead of one singular piece, it’s made of many smaller pieces. Idk if that makes sense lololol. Id do 1 hour of these 5-10 minute studies.

But yea id say this is really the main thing holding you back right now. Once you figure out how to capture the rhythm and energy in a pose id say ur golden lololol good luck! I hope this helps XD

oh gods yeah I need to whip some referencing for poses and specially dynamism, I tend to make things a bit too stiff. I think I cornered myself into making very static poses since I do a lot of character ref oriented work, and showing the design and outfits is a priority over the dynamism, and like, I need to get working on that.

It sucks to realize how I've let social media performance guide a bit on what I draw and I practice. People like their fullbody character designs with a grey background, and I've let a lot of What Isn't That fall apart, and it's bad! I gotta get better!

I need to find a way to maybe get a way to do these practices and still post it, bc even when I've done them, they stay in a folder and never get to see the light of the day. (Also, I saw the other ask and I'm gonna check that one soon! I struggle so much finding good refs for that!)

#artstyle crisis #long post

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falconearring · 1 year

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hi op! i absolutely adore your ongoing comic, its so nice to read and the character designs and settings are everything. if you dont mind, do you have any tips for making a comic? thanks so much

First of all, thank you so very much for reading and sending me this ask!! Secondly, as a disclaimer, I'm only just learning myself. I don't know much, but there are a couple things I've prepared to share today! :D

The biggest thing you might already know is to thumbnail your page layouts in advance. Above are my initial scribbles for pages 27 and 28. Below is the second go for page 27 with speech bubble placement as well as keys that correspond to the script.

I did not thumbnail the first handful of pages I worked on, but now that I'm doing it instead of just script writing it makes a world of difference. It seems like it would add time on but for me it just reduces the amount of time I spend staring at the page wondering how I want to frame things.

When I do my panel and page compositions I mainly think about how entities are placed in relation to one another, and the direction of the scene. For more complicated environments, it helps me if I scribble up a little floor plan, so I don't accidentally draw the wrong part of the room from the wrong angle.

In terms of actually framing panels, whenever possible I try to incorporate aspects of the environment into the actual frame. For me it just ties everything together nicely, and gives the impression you're looking onto a scene from within the foreground.

I think my only other advice is that people honestly are going to look at certain panels for only a fraction of a second. I try not to spend too much time rendering things that aren't important, and I simplify a lot of things into the general shape just to save my sanity. I usually reserve shading and highlights only for times where it will sell the mood and draw attention to something I want people to notice.

There is so much more that goes into comic making, but these are just some little things I think about/that help me! Sorry I waited a few days to reply, I wanted to think about what I should say! ^_^ Hopefully some of this was what you were looking for! Have a wonderful rest of your day!

#asks

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papermonkeyism · 2 years

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one thing i really like about your art is that you somehow nail a perfect mix between cartoony and realistic. like, your creatures you design are realistic in their anatomy and structure, but theyre still so expressive and fun! i dont know how you do it.

Thank you for the kind words!

The secret is decades of practice and experimenting to find exactly what and how I enjoy drawing the most.

To portray the characters I wanted to draw, I've spent years doing a metric crapton of research to find out how anatomy works (drawing from photos and real life, going through the entire shelf of anatomy-for-artists and figure drawing in the libraries I had the access to, tracing a lot of the illustrations untill I got the important bits committed to muscle memory. Also optional, but I have skinned and dissected dead animals and have a collection of bones on my book shelves for 3D reference, though not everyone wants to go that far). I have acquired the skill of drawing photorealistic, but over time found that very boring and time consuming, so I usually prefer to play with shapes that I find pleasing and exaggerating/simplifying as for cartoons. Also making over 250 pages of comic has helped immensely with the extremely important skill of finding the point of Good Enough, because that's thousands of characters and it'll teach you quite clearly how much effort is worth sinking into a drawing/design before it becomes a horrible experience.

But it's something I've learned, mostly because my brain cooks up all kinds of critters in all kinds of designs not exactly found in nature, and the only way to picture them was to do it myself.

(I am traditionally trained animator, actually, not that I'm using my Bachelor's degree in any way professionally, but I quite enjoyed my decade of art schools. It's not necessary route to go for, education is just free in my country, but you can get quite far just by obsessing over how to picture your blorbos the most aesthetic way)

#Sorry if this sounds jumbled I have a minor headache #Hope it still makes sense

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cake-n · 1 year

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From what I've seen and searched, xenogenders choose their gender based on vibes and stuff they like, I saw some with a huge list of their gender, including, springgender, pupgender, lemonpiegender.

Well, for me, certain concepts, abstractions & themes are important to my identity & gender, as well as important to me as a person, but not everything that's important to me as a person or my general identity is related to my gender. I conceptualize my gender to be in relation/tandem with those things, I assume it's similar for others as well. Beyond that I also have a "normal" core gender identity, though, but even that is confusing to most people, as others perception of gender is more simplistic and trinary, so I simplify it even further.

Also, I searched and I've never seen or heard about an old person using these. Have you seen a 70 year old queer identity as a lemon pie? A 45 mother identify as a male puppy?

Well, they wouldnt "identify as a male puppy". If you phrase it in another way though... "How would you describe your gender with only things that are abstract?" then you might actually get answers.

I don't understand why you feel the need to include that in the LGBTQ community if you just like clouds

It's not "just liking so-and-so"; you can like something without it being conceptually a part of your gender, as I do with many of my interests that are dear to my heart but dont have anything to do with my gender, but, it's considered LGBT because this identification is considered to be a specific form of non-binary — not a boy, not a girl. Most people who identify as xenogender are additionally and/or at their core, trans and/or non-binary. Though I've seen people be cisgender & xenogender, but even those people tend to be lesbian, gay, bisexual, etc.

Anyway, on pronouns, why call it pronouns if they're nicknames between friends? Because they want to feel special and have a community.

Pronouns (refering to "he, she, they, it" and words of a similar function) are words to address someone without using their name, and replaces their name, for ease of convenience and to make sentences go smoother. Always using names sounds a little... clunky.

Instead of saying "he, him, his, himself", you'd say "xe, xer, xem, xemself"; you wouldnt use the same grammatical conjunctions with a nickname or name.

I say it's used between friends or those who can adapt, because there's no other option, it's not because "people want to feel special", it's not like you can force someone to use your pronouns. It's a niche community as it is, so there's a smaller amount of people able to/understanding enough/open to using them in the first place, so you'd have fewer people (as compared to the wider population) to address you with neopronouns.

It's only within those already niche circles, because anyone outside of it would likely be unable to adapt, ignore, misunderstand, belittle, mock or assault you for it. There is not really another choice.

In daily life, I usually refer to myself with my neopronouns in my head... I dont feel special because of it, it's just a different kind of identification. I havent done so recently, but if I participate in the community, I do so because I like to be surrounded by like-minded people — people who will not viciously mock me for my identifications, who are more likely to refer to me with neopronouns (as I dont tend to do it publically), etc. I also like to share things about myself (to some degree... I favor anonymity & privacy), my creations, etc. It also ties into my interests... I have an interest in poetry & writing (describing genders is very similar), I enjoy artwork, symbolism, and working with colors (designing flags), and I find etymology and neologism (creating new words) fun.

About cis people I'm not concerned about their validation fr I do not care and they probably think my gender is fake too (I'm nonbinary and uses they them) but I do care about the safety of my fellow trans people, they are being murdered and discriminated against, obviously xenogenders aren't the reason but they do contribute to the stigma of trans people who existed since the dawn of time.

Yeah, it must seem silly and a foreign concept to the average person who's not used to approaching/thinking about gender in abstract/tangible/atypical terms (or, in your case, if you completely lack gender LOL), but respectability politics will not decrease violence against trans people. If you're unfamiliar, respectibility politics refers to people consciously setting aside things that are deemed as disrespectful for the sake of being paleatable to more people — so "a small portion of trans people should not express themselves to avoid contributing to propaganda, (which is already warped as it is)" is a form of respectibility politics. They will use anything deemed unusual as transphobic propaganda. They will take their assumptions and run with it.

I've seen and experienced xenogender people calling trans people (myself included) transphobic, ableist and got send death threats because of our concerns and opinions.

Reactionary people are an... issue, yes. This isnt exclusive to the MOGAI community though, you see this stuff in every communify.

It's not inherently ableist, persay. NT people can be xenic. More prominent and common to be ND (seemingly), but not exclusive. It's a common misconception for people think its ND-exclusive, though.

Trans people can still be transphobic, though.

But still they should use nicknames like everyone, my username is cake since I love it but it isn't what I am.

People do use several names, me & many others. Pronouns are conjuncted differently than names.

If there's something different about someone, they shouldnt be expected to conform, especially like, online, in the privacy of their own home. People should not face violence for not conforming because it's "socially unacceptable", especially for expressing such online, where you can express yourself with less restraint.

People can use whatever pronouns they like. Sometimes words dont "fit" or "click" as names but work with pronouns, or vice versa. Most people who use neopronouns give auxillary (alternative) pronouns to use in daily life and/or for people who cannot adapt (i.e. language-processing issues, english as a second language, etc)

Also... Yeah, you have different facets of identity. Some may or may not correlate with gender identity, and it just doesnt in your case.

Having a strange/atypical identity does not contribute to stigmatization. Misunderstandings or a lack of understanding, assumptions and transphobic propaganda contributes to stigmatization.

thank you so much for you answer 😊 I'm gonna me quick. but they are not part of the lgbt community if they only uses differents pronouns. xenogenders are not genders in my opinion, since their xenogender is abstract stuff or based on feelings they should not speak up as trans people if they are not , if a cis straight male identify in his mind as something poetic or some kind he is a cis straight male and should not speak as a trans person and try to integrate lgbtq spaces and make 9000 flags . it is personal, you can write about it and it can be beautiful in my opinion but trying to pass this as a sexuality or gender is a big no. it should be an aspect that shouldn't be categorised and again I'm repeating not be a part of the lgbt community, it can be influenced or be a part of many queer People but shouldn't step up in these spaces

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livinginfictions · 3 years

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Tag/Ask Game

This is a sort of Check-in Tag game thing? I was tagged by @vikingstrash, so thank you dear!

1. Why did you choose your url?

I used to have a different tumblr, and then my sister saw me on it and literally took the mouse and made me follow her own tumblr, and it made me So Immensely uncomfortable, I immediately went and made a whole new blog, and messaged all my mutuals privately to tell them I was moving so my sister wouldn't find out. As I struggled to come up with something more creative than 'time-lady," I remembered one of my mom's favorite sayings, "Reality sucks, live in fiction" and since livinginfiction was taken, my friend (who was helping with the crisis) and I added an 's.' Voila. Seven years later, it's the only username i have online. XD

2. Any side blog?

Three, actually. We've got @merthurismycrack where I reblog Merthur shit, @samspsychicpowers for some SPN stuff, and the side blog that's basically my main blog at this point: @asterekmess which is where all my Teen Wolf and Sterek stuff goes.

3. How long have you been on tumblr?

Uhhh, I've been on this blog since August of 2014, but my old blog was started in....March 2013. I've been around a fucking while.

4. Do you have a queue tag?

HA. Fuck no. Do I look that organized? Y'all get three hours of spam reblogs, and then I disappear into the aether. How it should be. XD

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

This is essentially the same as I said for question one. Sister found the old blog, and I needed a new one. I tend to make my side blogs for more pointed material, so that my main blog can have like...the amalgamation of general stuff i like, and then I can keep the fandomy content more concentrated into the side blogs.

6. Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

Originally, I did not have this icon. I had this pic I found online with these Beautiful bronze wings against a black background. But then, around the time I decided I wanted to sort of...simplify things and make my username for my online stuff all the same, with all the same pfp's so that I was easily recognized, etc, I realized that....that picture was not mine. I didn't design it or anything. And i couldn't find its source to ask for permission to use it. And it started making me feel shitty for using it in the first place. So I spent like an hour and a half trying to make my Own Wing pic to use, and failed miserably. As a last ditch effort, i went through my 'artistic' photos on my phone and found this one. I adore sky pics, and cloud pics, etc, so it was super my thing, and I just slapped it on there. Still not sick of it. XD I also went to my side blogs and changed out the pfp's for photos that I'd taken, except the sterek blog, because that one is literally just a black triskelion on a white background, and it's a pretty non-specific thing. I would have used a picture of my Own Tattoo, but it's very hard to get a picture of my back that doesn't have weird lighting, and I'm just too lazy.

7. Why did you choose your header?

All my headers are also photos that I've taken or art pieces that I've made. In the case of this blog, it's a picture I made with a 'galaxy maker' online thingy. I love green. I love blue. Ta dah. In general i just try to find something that gives me the right vibes or has the right color palette to match what it's for. (orange and blue for sterek, trees for merlin, and wings for spn)

8. What’s your post with the most notes?

On this blog? I.....just spent two hours digging through all my posts tagged 'personal' bc i wanted the post that I MADE with the most notes...and i have no idea. I mostly respond to other posts, rather than making my own. The highest note count i can find is a post i made abt having friends that aren't in your fandom, which means you can use inspirational quotes to help them through tough times without them realizing ur quoting doctor who or something. 22 notes. *fingerguns* I'm famous, i know.

9. How many mutuals do you have ?

Is...is that a thing i can check?? or do you expect me to hand count??

10. How many followers do you have right now?

Uhghhghghgh, this blog has 439 at the moment, and i'm pretty sure not a lot of those are porn bots, bc i usually screen new followers for it. a lot of them have come over from my sterek blog though.

11. How many people do you follow?

hehe....uh...36.....one of which is my husband....

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

I don't even know what the requirements for something being a 'shitpost' are....but i think no?

EDIT: I Take it Back, I just found a post I made with "Hot Take: PIneapples are an honorary citrus fruit" and I believe that counts? So YES.

13. How often do you use tumblr?

Uh, nearly every day, multiple times a day. Sometimes i forget it exists for a couple days, though. It's my only social media. I dont use twitter or facebook or instagram. I Have Accounts, but I literally dont open those apps more than once a month.

14. Did you have a fight /argument with another blog ? Who won?

My sterek blog gets in fights more often than it should. XD I'm feisty. And I dunno who wins, i think no one. it's tumblr. there's no real winning or losing.

15. How do feel about “ you need to reblog this” post?

Oh 90% of the time I'll fucking ignore it on principle. I come to tumblr to enjoy myself and escape. I refuse to guilt the shit out of myself and my followers for not reblogging something deemed Essential. I don't care how deep the topic is or how heavy. Sometimes that's WHY I'm not reblogging it, because I don't want that shit on my blog. The other 10% of the time, I'll go to most recent reblog that Doesn't have the guilty shit on it, and then reblog that.

16. Do you like tag games?

It sounds narcissistic, but I like being tagged in them and doing them. I just Really Really Really hate tagging anyone else.

17. Do you like ask games?

Yup, I think they're fun, though I really don't think anyone wants to know this much about me.

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

Uhhh...I have no clue. I think...I think I might be the tumblr famous mutual, or at least my sterek blog is....

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

Yup. My husband.

20. Tagged?

Uh, no one. makes me anxious. XD If someone wants to do it, go ahead and claim i tagged you, i promise no one'll call ur bluff.

#personal #tag game #go for it

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waywardmasquerade · 4 years

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is there any reason you dont make a dragon dice bag with the regular lesbian flag? I have never seen that femme flag before

Unfortunately the answer to that is very long. Apologies if I repeat myself or overexplain, events around the world have me rather frazzled.

To my knowledge, there is no regular lesbian flag. There have been multiple proposed lesbian flags, but in my research I’ve never found one that has broad community support.

There’s the purple labrys flag from the 70s or 80s (I think?), which apparently has historical issues and isn’t widely recognised today.

There’s the lipstick flag, which has much more recent issues related to it’s creator (transphobia, biphobia, racism) as well as not resonating with the butch & non femme parts of the community.

There have been multiple edits to the lipstick flag, first the lipstick kiss was removed, though I don’t know who by or the intention behind it. Then it was simplified to include more orange and brown.

Then it was simplified again to the five bar orange/pink flag.

All these edits have been called different things by different people.

There have also been a LOT of other proposed flags, including a “sapphic” lesbian flag (based on one of Sappho’s poems), which is interesting in itself because historical Sappho was thought to be bisexual. If you go hunting you’ll find dozens of proposed designs.

At the time I was researching and designing the lesbian pride Dragon Bagon, the lipstick flag and sapphic flag were the ones that showed up most in my research. I did not feel comfortable using the lipstick flag, and the sapphic flag was not recognised by the folks in my beta group. So I settled for modifying the first or or second iteration of the modified lipstick flag (there was no way I could fit all those slightly different shades in) and because I knew it didn’t resonate with many of the butch lesbians I had feedback from, I called it the “femme” lesbian Dragon Bagon, because I did not feel comfortable making a decision and putting a label on the entire lesbian community when it clearly didn’t fit a lot of people in it. I have since been keeping an eye out for a possible butch flag or symbol, there was support for a plaid Dragon Bagon, but plaid microfleece has not become available despite my searches. I’m hoping that will eventually change.

As it is, I am gathering feedback regarding the 5 bar flag, and while some of it has definitely been positive, some has also been negative. I also don’t feel comfortable just making a unilateral decision on behalf of the lesbian community when it does not yet seem like there is yet community consensus on a flag, though the 5 bar flag definitely seems to be steadily gaining popularity. I’ll have one person tell me that it definitely IS the “community flag”, while another tells me they don’t identify with it at all.

There are also another couple of factors:

I realise that folks who don’t do the job I do will not necessarily realise the level of work involved in prototyping and putting a design into a level of production that makes it affordable. Suffice it to say, there is a lot. So I can’t take changing established designs lightly. The Pride Dragon Bagons are already underpriced for the work that is involved in them. That was a conscious choice I made because I wanted to give something to a community I value. Making the price they’re at even remotely doable for me means we need to produce pride dragon bagons in batches, not one by one. It also means that I have to think carefully before making more of the designs that aren’t like to sell as well. Making new pride designs is not a low cost enterprise, but I want them to be there to at least say to as many of the less represented members of the LGBTQIA2+ community as possible: “I see you”, even if they never buy a Dragon from me, seeing how the photos make people happy is a boost. So I’m balancing the need for representation with the budget as well.

How well a design sells (and therefore funds us making more) is a combination of factors, for a start, it’s a matter of how many people there are within a given section of the wider LGBTQIA2+ community, and then what segment of that group has the disposable income to afford a handmade Dragon Bagon, plus what segment of that group wants to spend that much on a handmade Dragon Bagon. All that comes into play before we get to how pretty the design is, how well it matches the flag, how well I can reach that specific group, etc. Then there’s if there are multiple flags that segments of those groups identify with (e.g. Genderqueer vs Non Binary), and there’s also the matter of folks identifying with multiple flags, which usually means there’s one they want a Dragon for one more than others, which adjusts the numbers as well. And as cold and calculating as it might feel to me sometimes, I do have to keep an eye on the numbers if I want to be able to keep operating (and as a result, producing pride dragons) at all.

The next thing to consider is the availability of fabrics and colour matching. As it is right now, I only have access to colours that would possibly be an acceptable match for two or three of the colours in the 5 bar flag in your avatar. That may change in the future, and I’m always looking for new colours. I also need to consider that while a colour is available now, it may not be in three months time, which means if I want a reasonable supply I need to buy a lot in one go, which for a small business running out of my lounge, is not insignificant. So I need to be sure I can use the fabric before I buy it. While I don’t expect to profit hugely from the pride dragons, I do need to cover my costs and make something of a living for myself, and my helper deserves to be paid a living wage for their time and effort as well.

The last thing is that, despite putting more time and research into the lesbian pride design than any of the others, it has been the one that has received the least support both in terms of sales, and in terms of actual engagement and feedback on the design when I have called for it in the past. It’s also the community (or at least, the community that folks being unpleasant presented themselves as being from) that has directed the most aggression towards me. Even when I have clearly labelled the Lesbian Pride design in the lineup, I have received less-than-pleasant comments about “forgetting” lesbians or demands to know “where is the lesbian one”. Yet when I have called for feedback in the past, there was far less engagement than with many other groups. So it feels like a rock and a hard place for me, it got so hurtful that I actually stopped researching potential new pride designs for quite some time. So when there’s been very little support in terms of feedback, engagement, and sales from this community, alongside some fairly unpleasant comments as well. I don’t know what else I can do, and it doesn’t help with inspiration and creativity. I realise that a few angry people who apparently don’t bother to read posts before lashing out do not represent the whole community, but it’s only been recently that there’s been an increase in useful feedback on this particular design as well.

Will I make a new lesbian pride dragon? Maybe. I can’t give a timeframe, I can’t say which flag it will follow, because I don’t know. I’m doing research as and when I can, and keeping an eye on a lot of different factors. That being said, IF I make a new one, I will be trying to prioritise rep for butch lesbians, since I have not been able to give them that so far.

All that being said, I am 100% willing to make custom custom Dragon Bagons for those who want them, and that can definitely include pride designs. They cost more, but I do try to keep the cost down as much as possible.

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dreadlock-detective · 6 years

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How hard is it to choose colours for your (and my favourite) art style?

Eheh, well I canonly speak for myself, not for whoever you’re flattering by callingyour favorite, so I’ll stick to that! ;)

I suppose theliteral answer is “Usually not too hard?” but that’s boring solets see what I can ramble about color choice and such! Also I’ll put some links to James Gurney’s stuff because he is amazing and I cannot recommend his books enough!

(This’ll be in 3 sections - Color schemes, Contrast and leading the eye, and picking colors for shadows~ from longest to shortest too)

Part 1: COLOR SCHEMES

So I used to bereally bad at this until I got really into pixel art where I learneda few important lessons. First, the entire color palette workingtogether is what’s most important, not any single color, and second,colors work together in surprising ways COMPLETELY dependent on what’s around them!

For example, this isthe color palette for the Commedore 64 from back in the day. All whopping 16 colors the system could possibly display:

Individually thosecolors look pretty muddy, muted, and dull. But when you put them alltogether in an image they actually work pretty well together, because none of them completely break from the others. Usingmy own stuff as an example, I used the C64 palette to challengemyself with remaking a very colorful, very saturated screenshot from the Nintendo 64game Mischief Makers (because I love that game and both systems have“64” in the name so why not~)

So I turned this: (Nintendo 64 version, with waaay more colors available)

Into this:

Now, there’s clearly a BIG difference in the colors used, but I feel like everything still looks fine on its own. The muddy colors look a lot more harmonious when seen in an image than individually, with the brighter colors, such as the gems, even popping quite a bit.

For that second point I mentioned about colors working differently based on the colors around them, look at the character’s green hair, the green gem, and the green on the top of the blocks. They are all the exact same color. The green gem and hair, though, are shaded with a deeper, more saturated green and contrasted with a bright white, making it appear more saturated than the exact same green on the platforms, because the platforms’ green is surrounded by duller colors.

So it’s important to keep in mind that not only is each color important in the context of the whole, but also that what’s immediately around a color will massively impact how they appear, even when they are the exact same!

Important things to consider when picking colors is how close/far they are to each other in hue (the color itself, represented by the outer wheel in the image below), the saturation (how much gray is in the color, which effects how vibrant it is, which is the left->right in the box) and value (how much black is in the color, which is the top->bottom in the box).

Essentially the further away two colors are from the each other in any of these 3 directions the more they will stand out from each other. I’m not much of a teacher for color theory in general, so the best advice I can give is just to practice and to check out limited palettes other people have made and see how they handle it. In general, though, I try to keep most of the colors relatively close to each other in saturation and warm/cool colors, and then use one accent color that stands out in small amounts to make certain bits pop~

Links time!

Gurney’s post/video on Color Gamut, or manually limiting colors and how surrounding colors alters our perception of them (check out what appears as yellow in the cool colored image as opposed to the warm)

Gurney’s post on color in context and how many colors still register as bright yellow

Fun little tidbit about old cartoons made with limited palettes

Part 2: Contrast, and leading the eye!

Okay, so these other two might be a bit shorter. Basically, when you’re picking colors you want some to stand out and some to fall back. If everything is competing for attention it can be really hard to look at and the eye doesn’t know what’s important! One of the main things to look out for with this is contrast, as the eye is easily drawn to areas that are different than their surroundings.

Let me use two designs I’d had for my character Caelia - the left is her old color scheme and outfit and the right the new one:

Now, aside from minor differences in saturation, they’re actually pretty similar, but the one on the right I think works a lot better. In both of them the yellow acts as a strong accent color that can pull the eye, but on the old design on the left it pulls your eye in two directions - towards the headband and the coat trim, neither of which are actually important. Almost the entire rest of the design lacks that yellow so your eyes are actually drawn -away- from the character’s face and body. Imagine the coat being blown behind her as she’s doing an action pose and, yeah, the accent color doesn’t actually help anything.

The new design, I think, fixes that. Even though it remains an accent color the yellow now appears throughout the design. Her hair is now a lighter shade of yellow which is distinguished from the yellow on the clothing while also framing her face. Her torso now has a yellow accent on it so it draws the eye and, combined with the hair, has a strong distinction between her upper half (which is more yellow) and her lower half (which is mostly red). And finally what was the coat now wraps around her with an additional little strip on a waist sash. Now the yellow trim can easily allow the eye to figure out how her legs are positioned by how they wrap around them, instead of just hanging behind them.

It’s also important to point out that the hair is less saturated along with being lighter than the rest of the yellow - it both looks a bit more natural, blends with her skin color more, and also doesn’t compete with the high saturation in the clothing.

None of this is to say the left one is necessarily a bad design or conveys information poorly, just that the right one is a more unified design that is easier to understand at a glance. It’s something to keep in mind, but not a hard rule or anything. But remember that if EVERYTHING tries to stand out you’ll just end up with a mess.

LINKS!

Gurney on leading the eye with contrast and why what everything I just said might be bunk but might not be and also I think what I said applies better to simplified, cartoon forms as opposed to realism, since lines and blocks of color read differently than natural forms and lighting.

Spokewheeling - a composition technique that can be applied to character design as well.

Shapewhelding - another composition technique to think about, and can be important to AVOID at times (happens a lot in pixel art - dont want things melding together accidentally)

Gurney on why all of that might be bunk for general art composition anyway but might not be, but again I believe is still important for more stylized art

Part 3: SHADOWS!

Okay, so it’s nearing 1am as I write this and I’ll be honest I have the absolute least technical knowledge on this part, so I’ll tell you how I go about it but I STRONGLY suggest reading Gurney’s information on it (Again, seriously, I love his books, and “Color and Light” in particular is amazing and contains many of these posts and more)

When it comes to shading I have a pretty quick and dirty way to figure out what to do:

in case the text isn’t legible:

Choose a color for all shadows to move towards (usually a purple or blue)

Grab the base color for the thing I’m adding shadow to

Shift the color towards the direction of the shadow color I chose, and then make it darker and more saturated

And I do the exact opposite for highlights - I move away from the shadow color and then make it lighter and less saturated

Usually, anyway. And this method works best on the kind of color wheel I have there, but it can be adapted to most anything. And how far you move towards the shadow color and how dark/saturated you make the shadows will change the mood of the piece a lot. The colors in the screenshots are for a pretty light colored, low contrast piece.

I would go on more about it but I don’t actually have solid reasoning behind it other than it tends to look alright and I don’t want to spread incorrect thinking. Just… for the love of all that is colorful, DONT just shift the color towards black or white. It looks muddy and gross. Please. I beg you~

ON THE PLUS SIDE, Here’s a slew of awesome links!

Gurney and Chromatic Shadows Part 1!

Chromatic Shadows Part 2!

Relative color on skin tones!

Complementary shadows!

Induced colors! (or how our eyes can make highlights appear as different colors)

And I cant stress enough how great Gurney’s Color and Light book is for this stuff. I just can’t explain much ‘cuz I’m bad at actually studying this stuff well enough to talk about it!

Anyway, that about does it for my waaay longer than I thought and hella reply to a single sentence question! Hope that helped you, or SOMEONE at least! It was fun to ramble on about regardless~ (oh geeze yeah maybe rambling after midnight was a bad plan? Hopefuly this actually makes sense lol. If anyone needs any clarification just let me know!)

Cheers! (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

#artist advice #tutorial #color #shadow #dreadlock detective #ask

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cooljazsheepie · 7 years

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Webcomic Creator Interview with Kosmic of Feast for a King

Hi, all! I usually don’t post my webcomic creator interviews on this account, but this one is special since the comic is explicitly NSFW. The creator, Kosmic, is super awesome though and deserved an interview anyway. Check it after the cut.

Me: Please introduce yourself.

Kosmic: My name is Kosmic and I make two comics currently, Feast for a King and Eggshells. Although I mostly focus on Feast for a King! Which is a really graphically violent/sexual story about man eating worms in a sci-fi setting. I started it in September 2014 and I’ve basically been working every day on it since then.

Me: What made you pick sci-fi?

Kosmic: I’ve always really loved sci-fi stuff!! Many of my favorite stories/movies are sci-fi or have some robot/alien elements to them. I think it’d be more accurate to say that sci-fi picked me because FFAK was inspired by a dream I had which had some very strong sci-fi elements and visuals. I think at the time when I started FFAK, I was also feeling really inspired by the first two Terminator movies and wanted to like, take the elements about that i found successful in those movies and include them in my own story! I liked how much the characters struggled and how hopeless it felt to face their enemies, but they kept going anyway despite being so afraid. I also had a bunch of stories/characters I worked on sometimes that was really just my own version of Trigun that I didn’t know what to do with and just...felt like building on more of that type of world. I think I first started those characters in like 2009 but they were basically just back-burner ideas for something eventually. I got a lot of story material like that!!

Me: Do you have a favorite part of the creative process when you're working on your comic?

Kosmic: Favorite part of he process...That is kinda difficult. There are so many parts that I enjoy that blend in with each other, it’s hard to determine when one step begins and the other ends. Brainstorming with music is always really nice, especially if it’s in the afternoon and I don’t have any responsibilities to worry about. I do a lot of self RP too. I can go anywhere in the story I feel like and just let my mind explore freely!! Its always very fun/exciting to discover things I didn’t expect or when some connection suddenly clicks that opens up new doors of ideas! SO.. daydreaming is my favorite part, I suppose. That feels kinda basic to say, but I can’t think of anything that tops it!

Me: Nooo. I totally get what you mean. Just letting ideas come to you is the best! You do color and black&white comics. Do you prefer one over the other?

Kosmic: I don’t really like the look of colored comics for the most part, honestly. I find it way too mentally distracting and I find it often takes me out of the story by making me too aware I’m reading something. So, I generally prefer the look of B&W comics when I’m the one reading. However! I personally find it boring to do for too long if I’m the one working!! I hate doing the same stuff for too long and black/white communicates a certain type of atmosphere to me, so after a while it can feel kinda stiff or limited when I don’t...really need to be?? I used to be determined to only use B/W ONLY EVER!!! and now I am allowing myself the freedom to experiment using some aspects of color to communicate my ideas and not worry about a consistent look too much lol. I sort of feel like my comics fall somewhere in the middle because they obviously DO use color but aren’t like the ‘typical’ full color comic, I guess? I dunno. That’s how i interpret it anyway. I am breaking my own rules of what looks good!!! If I had to make a decision, it would still B&W over color. :3

Me: Do the colors you pick have a certain significance for the characters? Like I know you have several named after them and the worms are colored by status.

Kosmic: Yes! Totally. They are super important! I have a whole color lore or color language I have built in the story. I dont really focus on like...every color in the rainbow though. Its mostly with basic default-y colors of Red/Yellow/Blue + Green. Red and Green being the most important ones I use in FFAK. I reflect a lot on their dynamic and parallel in several different ways with various designs and narratives, Crimson and Celadon’s relationship is also meant to be a direct translation of that conflict and bond I see with those two colors in the context of the story as well. Red and Green is like the ...PURE EXPRESSION OF LIFE AND DEATH!!! or something.

Me: For your worms, do you choose certain animals for them or you just go by whatever? Like how Paper is a bunny.

Kosmic: Nah, I mostly go by whatever and many worm designs are just improvised on the spot as these weird...animal chimera things. Paper is sort of an odd one out because she’s specifically very bunny-themed.

Me: Do you have a favorite character?

Kosmic: Crimson’s my absolute favorite character!! However... Knife is also very important. I guess he’s a close 2nd. I just have put a staggering amount of work/history into both characters they both kinda stand out a little bit from the rest lol.

Me: I know you said to just read whatever, but how does the use of gender shape your comic? As a creator.

Kosmic: I suppose it shapes a lot and yet it...doesn’t? IDK, it’s difficult to explain cause I think gender is a broad topic and I’m not sure what parts to focus on with it shaping? Haha. Most of my characters are just self-inserts really. It’s not really a conscious thing that I feel like I need to fit a quota of or something. I just sort of naturally feel the need to articulate feelings about my experiences using the characters sometimes. I also generally use my comic as a safe place to explore my thoughts about identity and sexuality. It makes the comic really personal/vulnerable/stressful sometimes, but I also feel like I understand myself a little easier. As much as I reflect on it I don't really have a concise answer or reason.. it’s just part of life! So there it is!

Me: Do you find that you attract or put off readers with the sex? Like do people expect a hentai situation? Or ignore the warning and get mad about it?

Kosmic: Yeah, it definitely rocks the boat a bit. I get a lot of polarized reactions from my sexual content. Mostly it’s supported and people understand and respect what I do with it, but I have definitely received negative comments or like, people feeling betrayed it was included at all. (Nothing upset people more than that period sex scene in chapter 11 for example .) It’s also often described as a vore fetish comic which I also...have mixed feelings with LMFAO. It just feels really misleading and simplifying the narrative. I think the fact that I include genitals in my drawings [means] people get the impression it’s supposed to be a smutty hentai comic, but then when they read it isn’t that either. So it’s hard for people to determine what it is. It pushes buttons, I guess. good and bad.

Me: Who is your intended audience or do you not have one?

Kosmic: I don’t really have an intended audience!!! I just draw it as much for me as possible. :D

Me: What made you decide on making a webcomic?

Kosmic: I’ve been determined to make comics since i was like...13 or 14? And webcomics are very freeing!! You just post it and go!! Nothing can stop you from making your story how you want and I love that.

Me: Do you have any advice for other creators?

Kosmic: Advice is tough... But I suppose it is important to establish your boundaries between yourself and the audience. Your enjoyment and relationship you have with yourself and your art is what is most important. So be careful not to burn yourself out on what people will think/say/ask and it’s OK to feel overwhelmed and over-stimulated sometimes. Even when it’s positive attention, it can still be just as stressful and draining. I find that’s the hardest part about making a comic is learning how to deal with the reception rather than making the comic itself lmao. So yeah! Draw and write what you want! Always. But also give yourself a private place only for you, so you can reflect on your journey. :3

Me: That's great advice. Do you plan on making a print version?

Kosmic: My friend Cameron made Chapter 1 into a book and mailed it to me as a surprise. But besides that, I have no actual plans or real desire to make a printed version.It seems like it would take a lot of work to do and I’m very lazy. Maybe some sort of art book would be more ideal, but who knows!

Me: Will you be attending any cons or making any merch?

Kosmic: I went to one con in 2015! I sold like...a single poster I think. It was fun (especially because a friend from Canada was staying and helped tremendously with it,I also got interviewed the first time there!) but not exactly the ideal experience. Another friend also made keychains for me of the characters that we sold online. But, besides that, I don’t have any cons planned. I want to make t-shirts in the future, but I’m so slow to do these things. I just really need to take the plunge, but I generally get intimidated by money making stuff!!

Me: Do you do art full time?

Kosmic: Yes LOL. FFAK is basically my life. I do educational/instructional flash animations as well for the monies, but I am pretty broke most of the time. If it weren't for Patreon, IDK what I’d do!! I am so thankful for it.

And that’s it. I already linked Kosmic’s Tumblr profile, but you can also follow them on Twitter for personal or comic updates! If you have any comments or questions, feel free to post here or submit an ask. If you would like to be interviewed for your own comic, contact me here for explicitly NSFW content or over on my literacy blog if your work doesn’t have content restrictions that make it NSFW. Please also feel free to suggest artists for me to interview.

#kosmicdream #kosmic #feast for a king #webcomic interview

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eddsworldarmageddon · 7 years

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First of all, holy cow you're amazing, just getting that out of the way; otherwise this ask would be huge. Second, what programming software do you use? I now want to try to program a game, but don't know any good software. Thanks!

Aw, you’re sweet! Thank you, you’re amazing too!

I uh… I practically wrote a novel about game making programs… so I’ll put everything under a read more:

(i hope you can see the read more button cause it doesn’t show up for me on mobile)

The program I’m using is called RPG Maker, specifically the 2000 version, which is very intuitive and reliable despite being so old. There are loads of different versions, each one more polished than the last, and they’re all available on Steam!

I’m no programming expert, so the simplified commands allow me to do whatever I want without having to learn a coding language. It may look complicated at first, but once you learn the basics you can do quite a lot of cool stuff with it. You can even make your game for iOS and Android if you use the latest version of the program!

RPG Maker is advertised to be simple enough for children, but powerful enough for game developers, and that’s true! I first started working with this program when I was about 9 or 10. It’s got a special place in my heart for sparking my love of game design.

The community for RPG Maker is huge!! There are lots of websites and forums you can go to if you have a question or need help programming something. There are even large libraries filled with music and graphics that people have created for others to use, free of charge! If you want to go deeper down the rabbit hole, fans of this software have created add-ons that allow you to alter the way your game plays. You can do all kinds of things using these unofficial patches, but you do have to know how to code things, which can get very difficult. Personally, I don’t use add-on programs. I would be too scared of accidentally destroying my game or something crazy like that!

Some famous RPG Maker games include: Ib, The Witch’s House, OFF, and To The Moon.

I’m not sure what your budget is, but the latest version of RPG Maker, MV, costs $79.99 at its core, and $129.99 if you get the bundle, which I assume has more stuff. If you want the version I’m using, it costs $24.99. If you’re interested in getting an RPG Maker, I’d recommend waiting for a Steam Sale, or check the website Humble Bundle for any sales they might have. Buying a game there gives you a code you can redeem on Steam, plus part of your purchase supports a charity of your choice!

Summary: Great and simple program, not free, large community of smart helpful people.

Link to the latest version: http://store.steampowered.com/app/363890/

Another suggestion is Stencyl, a program that also doesn’t require much coding knowledge. As long as you’ve got a basic grasp of math, this should work just fine!

The programming style of Stencyl seems a bit limited, I’ve seen this kind of software before, but I don’t have it myself so don’t take my word for it. It’s a fair bit more complicated than something like RPG Maker. You’ll need a basic grasp of how programming works before you start, but there are loads of tutorials on the site to help you get started, in case you need help.

The program works by dragging and snapping together snippets of pre-made code to make long strands of mathematical goodness. I personally don’t like this style of programming, but you can try it out for yourself and see how you like it! There are loads of cool games people have made with this program, however the community doesn’t seem to be as large as RPG Maker’s.

There’s a free version of Stencyl, but only allows you to publish games online. You won’t be able to make downloadable (Steam-type) games or mobile games.

When it comes to the other versions, you don’t pay for this program up front like RPG Maker or GameMaker: Studio, instead you pay once every year, and the price depends on which version you have. The “Indie” version costs $99 a year, while the “Studio” version costs $199 a year. It’s pretty expensive, but not as bad as our next contender below!

Summary: Interesting program, good for learning how to code, has a free version

Link to their website: http://www.stencyl.com/

You could also try GameMaker: Studio! I don’t know much about this program, but I’ve heard good things about it. If you need a selling point, I believe Undertale was made using it. It seems pretty intuitive, and there are a lot of tutorials available on the website, if you need help!

GameMaker is the most unique out of the bunch, offering many different tools for you to use. It’s sleek and polished, with loads of options for you to choose from. It may take a while to get used to this one, it looks like a lot to take in, but with enough practice you could create a best-selling game, just like Mr. Toby Fox!

You can get a free version of this program which has a lot of the same features as the full versions, but you have limited distribution options.

The other two versions of GameMaker are incredibly expensive, with the standard version being $149.99, and the fancy ~master~ version being $799.99. That, ah, is a little absurd. Don’t get the super expensive one. Love yourself. Just…. no…….. why would it be that expensive oh my god…… do they even realize how many Delicious Taco Bell Tacos you could buy with that kinda cash??? mmmmno i dont think so. this is a really long post is anyone still reading at this point? hello?

Ahem, ah, anyway.

Summary: Great program, more complicated, has a free version, the paid versions are BEYOND expensive.

Link to their website: https://www.yoyogames.com/gamemaker/studio2

So those are my picks for high-quality game designing programs for beginners. It’s tough finding good software that’s free, actually it’s almost impossible. But, if you do pay the money to get a nice program and put in the hard work and dedication necessary to create and sell your game, the software should pay for itself!

Alternatively, you can find online tools designed for schools and colleges that allow you to make small games, usually for free. I’ve seen a few and they’re pretty good if you’re just starting out and you want to learn how to make games. Try Googling “free online game maker” and see what you find!

Yikes those are just a few of your options for programming. Don’t even get me started on art and music software!!

Sorry this turned out so long, I wanted to be as helpful as possible. (I think I went a little overboard… whoops)

Let me know if you have any questions!

#this took me like 2 hours to write lol i need to stop doing this #im so sorry this is so long xD asdfghjkl #Anonymous #eddsworldarmageddon asks

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nofomoartworld · 7 years

Text

DIS Magazine: Gogo Graham FW17 Lookbook

Model Cecelia Gentili Photography Serena Jara Hair Sonny Molina Clothes and Styling Gogo Graham

Intro by Devan Diaz

Four women sat atop a Brooklyn roof in February; a designer, a photographer, a writer, and a model. Arriving from Texas, Gogo came to the city to be the dressmaker for a population of invisible women. Serena, from Minnesota , was there to capture the day with the sort of tenderness that the job required. I was there to extract the truth, as all writers hope to do. This pursuit caused me to leave Nashville behind six years ago. On this unusually warm day, we all assembled ourselves around the model. Even the sun positioned itself in observance of her, creating the light needed for the shoot. We orbited around Cecilia Gentili, the reason for our gathering. To call her a model would be to simplify her role. With the austere of a Grand Dame, Cecilia is the matriarch for many transgender girls that come to New York seeking asylum. Gogo, Serena and I were just a few of those girls.

Gogo’s inspiration for the collection was born out of respect. When thumbing through the collection, she turned to me and said “She’s mommy. She deserves it.”

What took place was an intergenerational conversation that has no precedent. Our collective history is largely un-documented, but not for long. While the three of us were coming into the world, Cecilia was creating the path. When we embarked on womanhood, women like Cecilia offered a hand. This collection was a love letter to the past with an eye to the future.

An interview with Cecelia Gentile

Gogo: You know that like… you are the reason why me and so many other people are here

Cecelia: Thats very nice, thats a beautiful thing to say and I’m flattered, you’re gonna make me cry but I won’t… but you know, its not because of me its because of you… you had the audacity to be yourself and do what you want, I was just there, and I was able to help you in the process.

And that deserves credit, don’t get me wrong, I take my credit, I want my credit right, but its like… you get the real credit, you with your courage and your strong will to do what you needed to do to be happy. so, i was there, so i was able to help you, and thats a beautiful thing. Not just for you, its a beautiful thing for me you know, its a beautiful thing for me.

And… realistically… it was also my job, I got paid for it! How cool is that? How cool is that, to get a job being able to help somebody do whatever the fuck they want with their lives, with their bodies, its amazing.

G: You definitely facillitated that, in the most real, concrete way… I dont know if you remember when I first called…

C:I do…

G:I remember I called you, I was like… this is “deadname,” I want to know about the trans health program…

C: Let me tell you some secrets… English is my second language, so I have a real hard time understanding people sometimes, I have to make an effort to understand… So when you talk in such a quiet, intimate way… I’m like what the fuck did she say..

G: You were like yeah, just come to the orientation!

C: Just come to the orientation, maybe I can read your lips, girl lol

G: Lmao maybe there was a reason I was so quiet then though…

C: I hope I’m not offending you with this but, I just heard like… this really sad child.

G: Oh my god, yeah.

C: This really sad child, you know… and being able to help somebody…I don’t know if you did get out of that sadness, I hope you did, and it shows like you did… you’re like a new person, you’re bubbly… and happy overall, I see you happy. With some shit that may go down in your life just like anyone else, but its not that feeling of sadness.

And when I met you, not just you of course, with many people it happens, but with you specifically I can say… I saw a lot of myself, I was a young girl, in the big city, going to school and wanting to transition… No I wasn’t! There was no doctor, there was no Cecilia, there was nothing. So being able to assist you in your process is so rewarding, because then you do see that some things are changing, and it’s amazing… I can say that I love all the people I was able to help, in this transition process.

G: That’s a lot of people.

C: Yea, when I left it was like 600 people. 600 people… And I guess for some reasons you make special connections with some of them, and you were one of them. Actually, your group of friends are all in that group, you know like Serena… Now, we’re doing pictures, and I’m wearing your clothes, and Serena is taking the pictures.

And its like… we became family, and I know you do have a wonderful family, at least I know you have a wonderful mom, I don’t know the rest of your family… I don’t have any family here–I just have a partner–so you became my family… and I hope somehow, I became your family too…

G: You did!

C: And that’s what this process is about, because… if we’re not family to each other, what are we?

G: Chosen family…

C: Yea. Its so nice being a mother when your children are already grown, I don’t have to worry about you… I don’t have to worry about like, the milk being too hot, I don’t have to worry about your first time… its done and dealt with! But you know, it’s so good to have this experience.

G: I think, all of us, my friends who you just talked about, we all feel this way.

C: It’s just so wonderful, I lived so isolated for so many years, sometimes my partner will be like, ‘oh golly, you have so many friends!’… And I’m like, they’re not enough, I have to make up for all those years I lived isolated, and didn’t communicate with anybody.

G: I feel the opposite. I mean, we obviously didn’t have the same experiences and stuff, but I’m so cautious meeting people. I feel like there are alot of good people I haven’t met yet, but I’m so worried I’m going to find myself with bad people… It’s paranoia, I probably shouldn’t have even said that, but its the truth…

C: We have that, being trans, living everyday… comes with this anxiety. Is this person I’m going to walk across on the sidewalk going to be indifferent– which is awesome, if you’re indifferent to me, I’m happy— or are they gonna be a fucking psycho, or are they gonna be somebody who will let me know that they know I’m trans and they’re ‘ok with it’, which is kind of fucked up.

I think that’s part of trans people, especially trans women, that we have all this anxiety of how people are going to perceive us, and it makes sense that you are closed to finding that out, because if you don’t make an effort to find out, that’s better…

G: And even people who you know, or feel like you know, sometimes they suprise you… even today, I walked into this market, and this guys who’s always super extra friendly.. always commenting on whatever… in an extra way, and then one day he’s having a bad day and he decides to be like ‘Hey whats up man’. And its like, oh, now.. today I’m ‘man’…

C: Or if you didn’t pay him no mind, its just so usual, guys coming to you trying to pick you up, trying to be funny… and when you’re like ‘no, thanks’, they’re ‘oh you fucking man’… and I’m like– wait, let’s back up 2 minutes–

G: If you’re looking for a man lol…

C: Yea, whats up with that? But you know, it makes sense why so many of us are so resistant to establishing that kind of engagement with people.

I am kind of over everything, I’m 45, I’m like fuck everything, I don’t care, but for so many years its like, its better if I dont communicate with anyone, its easier, but then I was super isolated for so many years…

But then I changed and I allowed myself to kind of like open up to different people. Not everybody was great, I had bad experiences but during that process I got a lot of good people in my life, and that was pretty awesome.

G: Well, Serena shot this thing, and another thing I wanted to ask you about was the work you’re doing with Serena, and also your own work.

C: Well.. I have this super boring job– it’s not boring, it’s nice, and I’m really happy with the work I do, but for many people, looking from the outside, it’s like sitting in all office all day… But I really enjoy the work that I do, and not just that but having this title… like she’s the director of policy at this major organisation– deputy director of policy at GMAC.. who would have thought that this trans woman without a Masters would have such a powerful position in such a widely known organisation. So I enjoy that that is me!

I also do a lot of storytelling events where I just tell the story of my life. I have a lot of sad and horrible stories but I choose to tell people stories that are funny or fun, nice and easy to hear. I don’t think I’m ready to tell my painful stories yet, and someday maybe I will, but for now I just choose to focus on the fun part of being trans, and finding this way of liberation… So I do that, and I enjoy it a lot, and it makes me happy.

So with Serena, for her thesis at school, she’s been working with my stories, and doing photographic work around my stories, and we were able to do a couple of shoots that were really successful, the material she comes up with is so freaking amazing.

G: Both of you are!

C: I was working with her in this project, doing pictures for her, wearing your clothes… This opportunity came about and I was super happy to do it. Mind you.. I’m fucking 45 years old, I don’t know if I want to spend Saturday afternoon on a roof, with the wind and the cold on freaking high heels. But I wouldn’t change it for the world, I’d do it all and much more…

G: It was weird… the whole setting was just like perfect, don’t you think, for the middle of winter..

C: Yeah, it was the middle of winter, we had this really warm day-

G: The sun was out…

C: And I got there and Sonny did my hair so beautifully, and my makeup was so nice, we started doing the pictures and all the clothes just fit me so perfectly, the sun was nice and everything went so perfect… and I felt so comfortable, so comfortable.

G: Even in those fucking uncomfortable ass boots.

C: No, the boots were great, the only thing I didn’t enjoy was the sandals, the red sandals, I just need to feel my foot supported, I hate those. That’s the life of a model, you have to wear all this shit they want you to wear!

But as I said before… I’m 45, I weigh a couple of pounds more than I would like to weigh, my body doesn’t look like it did when I was in my 20s, it doesn’t look that much like how I want it to look like… but I came to love it as it is. I put it down to age in part, but I don’t think its just aging, I know some people get to… I think it was a process of empowering myself and being empowered by my community to accept my body as it is.

So although I may not look the way I want to look, or aspire to look… Modelling clothes for a photoshoot is like, hey my body is beautiful and I can do this. For so many years I felt so uncomfortable with my body, that at this age being able to be ok with it and happy with it as it is, is so empowering and so beautiful… and having somebody make clothes that look great over this body is so gratifying and so important for me.

G: I mean– you looked so fucking incredible that day, you look so incredible as you sit before me now… it shows in the photos I think.

C: The photos are fucking amazing, I can’t wait to see them out.

G: You look so powerful, I mean you are– you’re a very powerful woman.

C: Thank you, thank you, I like to think that I am, I could be humble and I wish I could say, ‘oh nooo’, but no, I am fucking powerful, and I like to come across as being powerful. It has nothing to do with being trans– no, it has to do with being trans, it has to do with being a woman, it has to do with being a person of colour, it has to do with being a Latina with a fucking accent– I have to come across as being powerful, otherwise people walk all over you.

The intersection that people like you and me have, being trans woman of color– I always like to say non-black trans woman of colour– you have it very hard from many sides, being trans woman, being a woman, being a person of colour. For me, it’s important to come across as powerful, and I do make an effort, even when I don’t feel powerful, I do make an effort to come across as powerful. Again, I’m going to put it down to age, I’m fucking 45 and you’re not gonna walk over me, no– not this time, I let this happen for so many years, that today nobody is gonna walk over me. Or if you are, it’s because I want you to walk over me, sometimes I like that kind of shit lol

G: lol yeah

C: But you know, it is important to be in a place where I can control the way people perceive me. Things like gender are a lot about perception, being able to manipulate the way people perceive me has been fundamental to the way I am. Which is like– I’m whoever, it’s not like I’m anywhere, I am in a space where I am comfortable and happy but…

When we talk about success and talent, I feel… I don’t want my story to put any kind of pressure on, you know, the new generations, the girls are like 17, 18, I don’t want anybody to have any pressure to be successful in any concept that is not your concept of success. You can not let me or anybody else make the determination of what success should be for you. And you know, we talk about success like– Oh, Gogo is a successful designer, Cecelia is a successful trans woman of colour– What the fuck is success. That’s not success, that’s my idea of success. Maybe being a designer is her idea of success, it doesn’t mean everybody has to be successful… Maybe being successful for you is doing your nails, painting them green–

G: Getting out bed–

C: Yeah. We have to be very careful when we talk about trans people, specifically trans women, when we talk about success. Let’s not define success for others. Let people define success for themselves. I feel like… I’m always overdoing so much because for so many years I let this idea of success that wasn’t mine become mine. Nowadays I have to stop everything and say, hey, am I doing this because I want to or am I doing this because I want people to see me as this successful person.

So, I wanted to say that because we keep talking about success and talent, and you know, those are very individual concepts that we should not translate to others. You know? Ideas of success and talent are very different for everybody. I come across this concept of “every trans woman can get to be successful” like yeah, they can be successful as what they think success is. Not as anybody’s idea of what success is. Did I repeat this so much?

G: No, I think I kind of, for me, I feel like if some little baby trans person sees some stupid shit that I’m doing and then they think, wow i’m not gonna kill myself today! Then that’s totally enough for me, that is success. And like you said I think it’s important for us to recognize that success means something different for everybody.

C: Yeah there’s enough pressure that we have to be careful not to put more pressure with this idea that we have to be successful. This pressure to look a certain way, to act a certain way, to do these hormone treatments, you know… I’m old school, it was very square, the idea of being a trans woman, you do this this and this, you’re gonna be this kind of woman and you’re gonna look this kind of way and it took me so many years to be like… hmmm maybe this is not what I wanted to be, maybe I didn’t want to look like Sofia Vergara, I mean she’s beautiful. Maybe because I’m Latina, everybody thinks I should be this kind of woman… which usually is Sofia Vergara in everybody’s minds, and I think she’s beautiful, but I dont have to be like her or look like her.

When I’m like, ‘I want to change my tits’, people are like ‘oh you’re going bigger?’ And I’m like, no I want to go smaller, I don’t want tits actually… and people are like why?! I just dont! All the big tits, big ass, long hair with highlights is not what I wanted to be totally, it’s mostly what everybody around me thought I should be. You know if you have big tits and a big ass we like you better, we’re gonna accept you because you conform to this… And I did that for so long… that I’m at a point where I can allow myself to let go of all that. Does that make sense?

G: Yeah I sometimes think about that too, where I’m just like… do I even need to be on hormones? Do I need to grow my hair? And you know it’s difficult as trans women when you walk into a place and you know in your mind, oh, if I’m not wearing high heels, a pencil skirt and lipstick, people are going to misgender me. If I am, then they’ll always expect you to look like that, and if you don’t, then they’re like, ‘oh, are you going back’?

C: Yeah… there’s no way to win. But again when you get to my age, I don’t know why I keep putting it on age. I think when you get to my age you may be able to get to a point where you’re like fuck that, fuck everything. Whatever. But I dont think I would be here if it wasnt for you guys, and this is the part where I thank you all helping me seeing you girls.. These fucking girls they just don’t give a fuck about anything. You know me, not shaving my armpits…

G: (lol) This actually freaks me out, but as a political statement, I have to have it.

C: How many girls are like, I dont care! And seeing all these young trans girls that have been able to live their femininity in a way that they want to and not in a way that was imposed has been fundamental in me being able to be like, i’m gonna shave my head and whatever. And letting go of that stereotype and this gaze… That’s so important to me. And your clothes say a lot about that. I felt super feminine when I was wearing them without feeling the stereotype of femininity that was imposed on me and that’s so cool. Maybe it’s just because I love you. (lol)

G: I’m glad you felt that way.

”

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