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legallybrunettedotcom · 8 months

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BUFFY READING LIST

As promised @possession1981 and I have compiled a list of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (and Angel) related academic text and books. I think this is a good starting point for both a long time fan and for someone just getting into the show, or just someone interested in vampire lore. I have included several books about the vampire lore and myth in general as well. Most of these are available online.

BOOKS

Fighting the Forces: What's at Stake in Buffy the Vampire Slayer; edited by Rhonda V. Wilcox & David Lavery

Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Philosophy - Fear and Trembling in Sunnydale by James B. South

Buffy Goes Dark: Essays on the Final Two Seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer on Television, edited by Lynne Y. Edwards, Elizabeth L. Rambo & James B. South

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Myth, Metaphor and Morality by Mark Field

Televised Morality: The Case of Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Gregory Stevenson

Undead TV: Essays on Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Elana Levine

The Aesthetics of Culture in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Matthew Pateman

Girls Who Bite Back: Witches, Mutants, Slayers and Freaks by Emily Pohl-Weary

Why Buffy Matters: The Art of Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Ronda Wilcox

Into Every Generation a Slayer Is Born: How Buffy Staked Our Hearts by Evan Ross Katz

The Lure of the Vampire: Gender, Fiction, and Fandom from Bram Stoker to Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Milly Williamson

Blood Relations: Chosen Families in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel by Jes Battis

Sex and the Slayer: A Gender Studies Primer for the Buffy Fan by Lorna Jowett

Diseases of the Head: Essays on the Horrors of Speculative Philosophy; edited by Matt Rosen (chapter 2 Death of Horror)

Public Privates: Feminist Geographies of Mediated Spaces by Marcia R. England (chapter 1 Welcome to the Hellmouth: Paradoxical Spaces in Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Open Graves, Open Minds: Representations of Vampires and the Undead From the Enlightenment to the Present Day; edited by Sam George and Bill Hughes (chapter 8 ‘I feel strong. I feel different’: transformations, vampires and language in Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

The Contemporary Television Series; edited by Michael Hammond and Lucy Mazdon (chapter 9 Television, Horror and Everyday Life in Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

Joss Whedon and Race: Critical Essays; edited by Mary Ellen Iatropoulos and Lowery A. Woodall III

Buffy and the Heroine's Journey: Vampire Slayer as Feminine Chosen One by Valerie Estelle Frankel

The Existential Joss Whedon: Evil and Human Freedom in Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Firefly and Serenity by J. Michael Richardson and J. Douglas Rabb

Buffy the Vampire Slayer 20 Years of Slaying: The Watcher's Guide Authorized by Christopher Golden

Reading the Vampire Slayer: The Complete, Unofficial Guide to 'Buffy' and 'Angel' by Roz Kaveney

Hollywood Vampire: The Unnoficial Guide to Angel by Keith Topping

Buffy the Vampire Slayer: The Monster Book by Christopher Golden

Slayer Slang: A Buffy the Vampire Slayer Lexicon by Michael Adams

What Would Buffy Do? The Vampire Slayer as Spiritual Guide by Jana Riess

ARTICLES, PAPERS ETC.

Bibliographic Good vs. Evil in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by GraceAnne A. DeCandido

Undead Letters: Searches and Researches in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by William Wandless

Weaponised information: The role of information and metaphor in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Jacob Ericson

Buffy, Dark Romance and Female Horror Fans by Lorna Jowett

My Vampire Boyfriend: Postfeminism, "Perfect" Masculinity, and the Contemporary Appeal of Paranormal Romance by Ananya Mukherjea

Buffy, The Vampire Slayer as Spectacular Allegory: A Diagnostic Critique by Douglas Kellner

"Buffy the Vampire Slayer": Technology, Mysticism, and the Constructed Body by Sara Raffel

When Horror Becomes Human: Living Conditions in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" by Jeroen Gerrits

Post-Vampire: The Politics of Drinking Humans and Animals in "Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Twilight", and "True Blood" by Laura Wright

Cops, Teachers, and Vampire Slayers: Buffy as Street-Level Bureaucrat by Andrea E. Mayo

"Not Like Other Men"?: The Vampire Body in Joss Whedon's "Angel" by Lorna Jowett

Buffy the Vampire Slayer and the Domestic Church: Revisioning Family and the Common Good by Reid B. Locklin

“Buffy vs. Dracula”’s Use of Count Famous (Not drawing “crazy conclusions about the unholy prince”) by Tara Elliott

A Little Less Ritual and a Little More Fun: The Modern Vampire in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Stacey Abbott

Undressing the Vampire: An Investigation of the Fashion of Sunnydale’s Vampires by Robbie Dale

"And Yet": The Limits of Buffy Feminism by Renee St. Louis & Miriam Riggs

Meet the Cullens: Family, Romance and Female Agency in Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Twilight by Kirsten Stevens

Bliss and Time: Death, Drugs, and Posthumanism in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Rob Cover

That Girl: Bella, Buffy, and the Feminist Ethics of Choice in Twilight and Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Catherine Coker

A Slayer Comes to Town: An Essay on Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Scott Westerfeld

Undead Objects of a “Queer Gaze” : A Visual Approach to Buffy’s Vampires Using Lacan’s Extended RSI Model by Marcus Recht

When You Kiss Me, I Want to Die: Gothic Relationships and Identity on Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Ananya Mukherjeea

Necrophilia and SM: The Deviant Side of Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Terry L. Spaise

Queering the Bitch: Spike, Transgression and Erotic Empowerment by Dee Amy-Chinn

“I Want To Be A Macho Man”: Examining Rape Culture, Adolescent Female Sexuality, and the Destabilization of Gender Binaries in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Angelica De Vido

Staking Her Claim: Buffy the Vampire Slayer as Transgressive Woman Warrior by Frances H. Early

Actualizing Abjection: Drusilla, the Whedonversees’ Queen of Queerness by Anthony Stepniak

“Life Isn’t A Story”: Xander, Andrew and Queer Disavowal in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Steven Greenwood

S/He’s a Rebel: The James Dean Trope in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Kathryn Hill

“Once More, with Feeling”: Emotional Self-Discipline in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Gwynnee Kennedy and Jennifer Dworshack-Kinter

“The Hardest Thing in This World Is To Live In It”: Identity and Mental Health in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Alex Fixler

"Love's Bitch But Man Enough to Admit It": Spikes Hybridized Gender by Arwen Spicer

Negotiations After Hegemony: Buffy and Gender by Franklin D. Worrell

Double Trouble: Gothic Shadows and Self-Discovery in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Elizabeth Gilliland

'What If I'm Still There? What If I Never Left That Clinic?': Faërian Drama in Buffy's "Normal Again" by Janet Brennan Croft

Not Gay Enough So You’d Notice: Poaching Fuffy by Jennifer DeRoss

Throwing Like A Slayer: A Phenomenology of Gender Hybridity and Female Resilience in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Debra Jackson

“You Can’t Charge Innocent People for Saving Their Lives!” Work in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Matt Davies

Ambiguity and Sexuality in Buffy the Vampire Slayer: A Sartrean Analysis by Vivien Burr

Imagining the Family: Representations of Alternative Lifestyles in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Vivien Burr and Christine Jarvis

Working-Class Hero? Fighting Neoliberal Precarity in Buffy’s Sixth Season by Michelle Maloney-Mangold

A Corpse by Any Other Name: Romancing the Language of the Body in Mary Shelley's Frankenstein for the Adam Storyline in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Amber P. Hodge

Sensibility Gone Mad: Or, Drusilla, Buffy and the (D)evolution of the Heroine of Sensibility by Claire Knowles

"It's good to be me": Buffy's Resistance to Renaming by Janet Brennan Croft

Death as a Gift in J.R.R. Tolkien’s Work and Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Gaelle Abalea

“All Torment, Trouble, Wonder, and Amazement Inhabits Here": The Vicissitudes of Technology in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by James B. South

Staking Her Colonial Claim: Colonial Discourses, Assimilation, Soul-making, and Ass-kicking in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Jessica Hautsch

“I Run To Death”: Renaissance Sensibilities in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Christine Jarvis

Dressed To Kill: Fashion and Leadership in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Christine Jarvis and Don Adams

Queer Eye Of That Vampire Guy: Spike and the Aesthetics of Camp by Cynthea Masson and Marni Stanley

“Sounds Like Kinky Business To Me”: Subtextual and Textual Representations of Erotic Power in Buffyverse by Lewis Call

“Did Anyone Ever Explain to You What ‘Secret Identity’ Means?”: Race and Displacement in Buffy and Dark Angel by Cynthia Fuchs

“It’s About Power”: Buffy, Foucault, and the Quest for Self by Julie Sloan Brannon

Why We Love the Monsters: How Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter, and Buffy the Vampire Slayer Wound Up Dating the Enemy by Hilary M. Leon

Why We Can’t Spike Spike?: Moral Themes in Buffy the Vampire Slayer by Richard Greene and Wayne Yuen

Buffy, the Scooby Gang, and Monstrous Authority: BtVS and the Subversion of Authority by Daniel A. Clark & P. Andrew Miller

Are Vampires Evil?: Categorizations of Vampires, and Angelus and Spike as the Immoral and the Amoral by Gert Magnusson

BOOKS ABOUT VAMPIRE LORE AND MYTH IN GENERAL

The Vampire Lectures by Laurence A. Rickels

Our Vampires, Ourselves by Nina Auerbach

Vampires, Burial, and Death: Folklore and Reality by Paul Barber

The Secret History of Vampires: Their Multiple Forms and Hidden Purposes by Claude Lecouteux

The Vampire Cinema by David Pirie

The Living and the Undead: Slaying Vampires, Exterminating Zombies by Gregory A. Waller

Vampire Forensics: Uncovering the Origins of an Enduring Legend by Mark Jenkins

Slayers and Their Vampires: A Cultural History of Killing the Dead by Bruce A. McClelland

The History and Folklore of Vampires: The Stories and Legends Behind the Mythical Beings by Charles River Editors

Encyclopedia of Vampire Mythology by Theresa Bane

Vampires of Lore: Traits and Modern Misconceptions by A. P. Sylvia

The Vampire: A New History by Nick Groom

Vampyres: Genesis and Resurrection: from Count Dracula to Vampirella by Christopher Frayling

Race in the Vampire Narrative by U. Melissa Anyiwo

Vampires, Race, and Transnational Hollywoods by Dale Hudson

#btvs #buffy #buffy the vampire slayer #💾#buffy summers #ats #angel the series

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sunnydaleherald · 10 months

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The Sunnydale Herald Newsletter, Monday, December 4

BUFFYBOT: 'If we want her to be exactly she'll never be exactly I know the only really real Buffy is really Buffy and she's gone' who?

~~Bargaining pt1~~

[Drabbles & Short Fiction]

Oh, Captain! (Buffy/Spike, NC-17) by scratchmeout

Oh Pacey you blind idiot (Buffy/Spike, PG) by Julikobold

The Spark (Buffy/Spike, PG-13) by JSBirsa

Ring-a-Ling (Buffy/Spike, NC-17) by scratchmeout

The Merry Month of Magnus Presents... Heaven Is A Place On Earth (Buffy/Spike, G) by temporarytitle

It’s Beginning to Look a Lot Like Cocktails (Buffy/Spike, G) by honeygirl51885

Spuffy Dates (of the calendar variety) (Buffy/Spike, G) by Gwenie

The Reunion (Buffy/Faith, T) by CelestialStorm

Angelus's Mercy: Part Three (Buffy/Angel, E) by MCorey1317

Ordinary Magic (Tara/Willow, G) by DialedIn

[Chaptered Fiction]

The Mayor Dates Chapter 4 (Buffy/Spike, PG) by desicat

Slay Bells Ringing Chapter 4 (Buffy/Spike, PG) by all_choseny

The Promise Chapter 8 (Buffy/Spike, PG-13) by Harmony99

Cherry On Top Chapter 10 (Buffy/Spike, NC-17) by Maxineeden

Spuffy's Little Helper Chapter 4 (Buffy/Spike, PG-13) by Alyot

A Very Summers Winter Chapter 4 (Buffy/Spike, PG-13) by VeroNyxK84

High Tide Chapter 1 (Buffy/Spike, PG-13) by ClowniestLivEver

The Nature of the Beast Chapter 3 (Gen, FR21) by JoshuAB

Healing After Heaven Chapter 14 (Buffy/Highlander the Series, FR13) by Kate

Belle South Chapter 21 (Buffy/Spike, E) by sunalso

The Night We Met Chapter 1 (Spike/OC, M) by TheSadPoet

Twith the dawn of redeeming grace Chapter 1 (Spike/Buffy, T) by winterlovesong

Disease Chapter 1 (Giles/Buffy, E) by guin_ramble

[Images, Audio & Video]

PODCAST: Goodbye Iowa by Buffy the Vampire Straya

[Fandom Discussions]

Angel 30 Day Challenge continued by multiple posters

Giles best girlfriend by joseph

Did Buffy get Jesse killed? by Joan the Vampire Slayer

Discussion of 7.08 "Sleeper" - Aired 11/19/02 (UPN-US) continued by multiple posters

Angel's backstory by Angelfirenze

Angel and Jenny at the end of The Dark Age by lesserwitch

Warren v Willow by pengchod

How much does S5 'Team Angel' remember from S4 by sw1200

Looking for comic omnibus hard cover by Silentplanet

Wesley and Cordelia in “Untouched” by JellyfishDry9464

First time watcher: currently S3 by wisteria_grey

Any other Gen X Buffy fans feel like they could use a bite of Ethan Rain's candy bars? by PotentialLanguage685

REDDEST FLAG by pengchod

What was Willow about to suggest in Helpless? What possibilities? by sadhungryandvirgin

Submit a link to be included in the newsletter!

#buffy #btvs #Buffy The Vampire Slayer #angel #ats #angel the series

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promo-cchm · 10 months

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arc-one • p r e s e n t

opening the bronze here in new orleans had given faith somewhat of an upper-hand on all the supernatural happenings; before they happened. rumors are constantly pouring in and she reveled in the fact that her nightclub was even more banging than willy’s place back in sunnydale. of course, she was still the one giving the beatings for information. her duties as a slayer doubled when this place opened but she never had to worry about how she was going to maintain the rent or utilities. thankful to faith for having done her duties in tracking down and putting an end to a lot of slayers with the potential to dabble in the dark arts the watchers council took care of her bills. living in the spacious loft above her club faith was still expected to continue on seeking out new information about rotten slayers to terminate them.

divergent • c o n n e c t i o n s

marcellus 'marcel' gerard (x)

faith takes notice of a very infamous vampire in the quarter. he knows the inner workings of new orleans better than anyone else on the underground. he likely knows all the hot spots of violence, and where the slayer can find some of the rouge slayers chilling around the city with his expansive amount of connections.

samuel 'sam' winchester (x)

while sam is busy learning more about being a shadowhunter, faith is living her wildest life as a slayer, taking out whoever she deems a threat, along with her own kind when need be. as sam is going by the book, this could make for a very interesting altercation as faith is very set in her ways of slaying.

hayley marshall (x)

this particular hybrid is looking to out all slayers as the baddies, thinking its one of them slaying all the wolves. faith can help in her hunt for 'bad slayers' and also provide the proof she might need to leave the scooby gang alone.

PLOT • A V A I L A B L E • APPLICATION

#rp #rpg #tvd rp #tvd rpg #tw rp #tw rpg #tmi rpg #tmi rp #btvs rp #btvs rpg

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crescentcityhellmouth-rpg · 1 year

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arc-one • p r e s e n t

divergent • c o n n e c t i o n s

marcellus 'marcel' gerard (x)

samuel 'sam' winchester (x)

hayley marshall (x)

PLOT • A V A I L A B L E • APPLICATION

#cchm faith

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fauxkaren · 4 years

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Buffy Rewatch 2x03 “School Hard”

AKA THE ONE WITH SPIKE. His entrance crashing through the Sunnydale sign is such a perfect introduction to the character.

So, the Annoying One and his goons are trying to figure out who is going to be the new leader of the vamps when Spikes saunters in and is like “I’ll deal with your Slayer problem for you. Then we’ll see what’s what.”

The way Spike’s face melts from vamp!face the second Dru walks in. I can’t! Their over the top, darkly sweet schtick is so funny to me. Spike is just overall so great in this episode. I love Spike watching Buffy fight the vamp and slow clapping her performance. It’s so classic Spike.

It’s parent-teacher night and Spike is going to crash it! He catches Buffy off guard since everyone though the attack would come on St. Vigeous Day or whatever. Buffy’s worlds are colliding. Slaying. School. Her mom. All in one place! She has to keep her identity secret, save her mom from Spike & co, and not get expelled from school. IT’S A LOT.

OH MAN. Angel pretending to be Angelus (and also using Xander as a prop) is so good. Spike and Angel’s relationship is v complicated, but I think it’s really compelling. We get the first hints of what their relationship is in this episode and I’m so excited for more. I also love that Spike sees through Angel’s act. THOSE TWO SCAMPS!

The fight between Spike and Buffy is A+++. As someone with a soft spot for Spike/Buffy, I think Sarah and James have really good chemistry even when they’re adversaries like in this episode. I also love how Joyce hits Spike over the head to save Buffy. Joyce and Spike’s first meeting! Another iconic relationship established in this episode.

Another thing that I enjoy about this episode is that Cordy is fully becoming one of the Scoobies now, helping whittle stakes and everything! Also Willow and Cordy being stuck in the utility closet together all night while

But maybe the best thing about this episode is SPIKE KILLS THE ANNOYING ONE. FINALLY WE ARE RID OF HIM. What a great way to end to the episode. Dru and Spike are here to stay and things are going to get a lot more fun.

#buffyverse rewatch 2k20

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rahirah · 5 years

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Okay, I KNOW you've reblogged that "DVD commentary" meme at some point in your life, so: would you like to do DVD commentary on the opening scene of "My Baby Is A Centerfold"? (Or less detailed commentary on the whole "My Baby Is A Centerfold"?)

My Baby Is A Centerfold DVD Commentary

I wrote this story in 2004, fifteen years ago, so fair warning, I don't recall a lot of the minutiae that went through my head when I was writing it. However, I will do my best!

This was one of the first short stories I wrote set in the same universe as my novel series. I wrote it for the Summer of Spike community over on Livejournal – Summer of Spike was, I believe, the first of the "seasonal" fic communities, and inspired a lot of imitators (including Seasonal Spuffy and Summer of Giles, which are still going to this day) but it only lasted for a couple of rounds. Anyway, someone had recently asked me what happened to the Trio in my 'verse. I already knew that the Trio had started their careers as criminal masterminds while the events of Necessary Evils were going on, and that after NE ends, Warren would try enslaving Katrina in pretty much the same way, Katrina would end up dead, and Warren would try to frame Buffy. Buffy being in a very different frame of mind by this point in my 'verse, while she initially panics at the thought that she accidentally killed someone, Spike and Dawn are able to convince her to investigate first. And of course they discover that Katrina's been dead for several hours, so they call the police and that's when Terminal Line takes place, and Buffy makes first contact with Detective Nguyen, who becomes a recurring NPC and eventually the captain of the Sunnydale PD and is instrumental in Buffy's plan to bring the supernatural out in the open and ANYWAY.

For this story I wanted to do a lighthearted buddy cop sort of thing with Spike and Dawn, and it occurred to me that the Trio would have had to have set up their spy camera system, but since they all got arrested after the Katrina incident, they never had the chance to do anything with the footage. And in my 'verse, some of that footage would have been pretty racy. So what would happen if Buffy and Spike found out about it? The story pretty much wrote itself from there.

I could tell something was wrong the minute I walked in the door. The house had that too-quiet thundercloud feeling about it, and it wasn't just because of the blackout curtains. Buffy was still at the rink, Tara was at her summer job, and Willow was probably asleep (she's not as much of an early riser as Spike is). Normally this means an afternoon of bad TV and junk food with Spike, but the TV wasn't on. Spike always has the TV on.

So this story takes place between Necessary Evils and A Parliament of Monsters, when Spike has moved in with Buffy and Dawn, and Willow and Tara are renting the Summers's basement. It always bugged me that the characters on the show only had to worry about work when the plot required it. When the writers get bored, Buffy can suddenly support a dozen people on a starting school counselor's salary. So while I try not to make a huge deal of it in my 'verse, I do a lot of thinking about how everyone supports themselves. Especially people like Tara, who's sure as hell not getting any money from her family. And with Buffy I wanted to give her a day job that A) she would enjoy, and B) would be flexible with regard to slaying. Which is how she became a skating instructor.

When Spike moved in there was a whole big reshuffling thing, like musical chairs with bedrooms, and Spike ended up getting my old room as an office for Bloody Vengeance Inc., the demon-hunting business he and Anya started. I figured he was probably holed up in there downloading porn or something. Never overlook an opportunity to collect blackmail material is my motto. I dumped my library books on the couch and snuck upstairs with super-Slayer's-sister stealth, which wouldn't do me any good at all if Spike was actually, like, paying attention to his super-keen vampire hearing. Which apparently he wasn't, since I got all the way upstairs without a single physically impossible threat bellowed in my direction.

I had an argument about this with another fic writer once – she felt that Spike threatening Dawn with physical harm was abusive and horrible, and Dawn would be traumatized for life. I pointed out that A) it's canon that Spike does this when he's worried about Dawn's safety, and B) even if you're not a soulless vampire, it's really common for fear in a de facto parental unit to express itself as anger, C) does anyone seriously believe that Spike would ever follow through on any of those over the top threats? Seriously? And D) Dawn canonically blows off said threats and does not appear to actually feel threatened in the slightest. We ended up agreeing to disagree.

Spike was in the office, all right--I could see his hair glowing in the light of the computer monitor. I couldn't see what he was looking at, but whatever it was, it must have been really good, 'cause his eyeballs were practically SuperGlued to the screen. Or maybe really bad, because he looked horrified, not turned on. OK, what horrified William the Bloody? Besides the prospect of squiring Buffy to "Fantasy On Ice?" This I had to see. I rounded Spike's desk and peered over his shoulder. "Hey, mister, you got feelthy pictures?"

If it was Willow? Two clicks of a mouse's tail and whatever was in that window would be closed, password protected, PGP-encrypted, and accessible only through an FTP server in Outer Mongolia. Spike's way better with technology than some vampires I could name, but when he's taken by surprise he still resorts to more primitive methods. He scrambled around in his chair with the panicky flail of a cat falling off a windowsill and slapped a hand across my eyes. "Don't look!" he ordered, about half an octave higher than usual.

This story is full of early 2000s-computer jargon. It's not quite as dated as the show itself, but I give it the ol' college try.

Which meant it was a moral imperative for me to put some of that self-defense training he'd been giving me into practice and kick him in the shins--oh, come on, you'd have done it, too. "Fuck!" Spike yelled. He grabbed for his ankle, overbalanced, and banged his head on the edge of the desk as his chair rolled out from under him. He crashed to the floor, leaving me with a free-and-clear view of the computer.

For someone who's been accused of writing the Everybody Loves Spike Show, I sure have him behave like an idiot a lot.

Now, I want to make it real clear that I'm a sixteen-year-old of the world. I know all about the birds and the bees and the vampires. I've even done a little buzzing myself. And of course I know that my sister and Spike have--well, 'having sex' is way too tame for what they do. Anyway, I know all about The Sex in theory. I also know how sausages are made, in theory. That doesn't mean I'm panting for an up-close at the gooey details of either process. Especially when it involves a grainy RealPlayer file of my very naked sister bouncing up and down on my very naked best-friend-and-platonic-lust-object in Barbie's S&M Playhouse.

I may have written this whole story just to have an excuse to use the term "Barbie's S&M Playhouse."

I may have said something. It may have been 'gleep.' Luckily for my retinas, at that minute Spike lunged up over the edge of the desk and put his fist through the screen. The monitor exploded in a shower of pretty green sparks, and Spike stood there glaring at it all clenchy-jawed and snarly, breathing hard through his teeth. He turned the glare on me. "I swear by all that's unholy, Bit, the next time you sneak up on me like that I'm going to put you in a two-by-three box without benefit of hacksaw!"

Monitors! With! TUBES!!!

I glared right back--no way was he going to make this my fault. "How was I supposed to know you were watching Vampire Pervert Theater 3000?" I snapped. "I thought you were just watching NORMAL porn! Jeez, Spike, if you and Buffy are gonna to videotape your stay in the Satellite of Love, at least--"

I had another discussion with a beta about whether or not Spike would download porn. My argument was "He's a guy."

Spike vamped out and hurled the monitor clean off the desk and into the wall with a roar (and when I say 'roar,' I don't mean 'loud yell,' I mean 'roar') of "WE DIDN'T BLOODY WELL TAPE IT!"

Wow. I never knew monitors were made up of that many pieces. "You mean you taped it without telling her?" I squeaked.

"NO!" Spike flexed his computer-punching hand (bloody knuckles, shards of glass, v. sexy) and shook off the lumpies. "Someone soon-to-be-departed did! I've never seen the sodding thing before in my life!" He looked really bewildered underneath the homicidal fury.

It's really very interesting to go back and compare Early Barbverse Spike to Late Barbverse Spike in terms of what progress he makes (or doesn't make) in controlling his temper over the course of the series. Hopefully I make the progression believable.

"OK, where did you find it?" I asked. I didn't exactly want to say so, but it occurred to me that maybe Buffy had taped it without telling him. Buffy may play it all Sandra Dee on the outside, but on the inside? Pure Gypsy Rose Lee. She had to keep it all bottled up during The Angel Years, and during The Riley Years she had to be really careful not to break him, and now, well--Exhibit A, currently lying in ten zillion pieces on the floor. "Was the file just sitting on your hard drive, or...?"

Spike looked super-guilty all of a sudden. His head ducked down between his shoulders, vampire ninja turtle style. "Mighthaveclickedonalinksomethin'boutSlayers," he mumbled.

"In other words, you were surfing for Slayer porn?" I folded my arms and settled in for some primo foot-tapping. "Don't you get enough of that at home?"

The interesting thing about the Buffyverse is that the supernatural ISN'T really a secret. Tons of people know about it. It's just no one admits to knowing about it. Which makes my Buffy's job a lot easier when she decides to drag it out of the closet. Which is a roundabout way of saying, if you know where to look, of course there would be Slayer fetish websites.

"I was not! I just...happened on it, like, looking for something else!" Spike is the world's second worst liar (Willow is the winner and still champeen) and he could see I wasn't buying it. "And anyway, it's a bloody good thing I did! Christ knows how long that's been out there for any spotty little deviant with their mum's credit card number to--" His eyes went Inuyasha-huge as fresh horror overtook him. "How long has it been out there?"

Barbverse Dawn is a Sesshumaru fangirl for sure.

"I'm more worried about who the cameraman was," I said. Spiders walked up my spine for a second. "I mean, that was your bedroom, right?"

Two seconds later we burst in through the door of Mom's old room, now Buffy and Spike's House of Ill Repute. I dove for the closet and Spike ripped open the door of the big old mahogany wardrobe he'd dragged over from the crypt. (But he didn't go inside, because as everyone knows, it's very foolish to shut yourself inside a wardrobe.) I stared at the crush of cute tops and kicky boots, ooh, I bet Buffy won't miss this one, she hasn't worn it in weeks... "How many shoes does she OWN?" I pulled a box free and the whole Leaning Tower Of Gucci collapsed on me.

My fic is usually a game of Spot the Narnia Reference

"Stop larking about," Spike growled, grabbing my feebly waving hand and yanking me out of the sea of footwear. "By the angle it's got to be around here somewhere..." He did one of those effortless vampire leaps and chinned himself on the top of the wardrobe, peering over the facade of wooden curlicues on the top. "Got the bastard!" He snaked one arm over the rim and jerked something small and black free, and dropped back to the floor with a thump. "What the hell...?"

It was a tiny, palm-sized camera with a little antenna sticking out of the top. Witness the creepiness. "I'm freaking out here," I said, plopping down on the bed. "Someone actually broke into our house and hid that up there!"

Spike snarled and closed his fist, and the camera joined the monitor in Electronics Heaven before I could yell, "Wait, that's evidence!"

"Not any more, it's not."

"It could lead us back to whoever planted it," I said impatiently. "We could have woken Willow up and had her...I don't know, do something technical."

This is why Spike needs Dawn around. She's the criminal mastermind in the family.

"Point." Spike shoved his lower lip out and scowled. "If there's one, there may be more. In fact, there's got to be."

I blinked. "How can you tell?"

He looked guilty and embarrassed again. "Ah, well, you see, the web site said...

For a guy supposedly unable to feel remorse, Spike does guilty and embarrassed very well.

*****

"Oh, as they say, my God." Xander stared at the tiny repeating clip with sick fascination. "'The Hottest Slayer in a Century Meets The Coolest Vampire Ever, and Guess Who Gets Staked! Sizzling Action With Cold, Dead Seed!' And this is just the teaser. You can order a whole DVD, only $49.99. Hours of fun for the whole family."

I am pretty sure that Jonathan got Andrew to write that advertising copy.

"Well, I must say both of you have excellent technique," Anya said with an approving nod. "And Spike has a large and well-formed penis, though personally I prefer circumcised men. But I can certainly understand why you're upset if you're not getting your rightful share of the profits."

"Spike, could you cool it with the growly noises?" Willow asked, her fingers flying over the keyboard. "It's distracting. OK, there's definitely more cameras... six at least. The Magic Box, the skating rink, Spike's crypt...this one's dead... Directory, directory, who's got the root directory...hah! Xander, hand me that Unicode list."

I actually researched what all Willow would have had to do to hack into and take over the camera network. I've forgotten it all now, but for about five minutes there, my skilz were l33t.

"What I still don't get is why someone bothered to break into our house and plant cameras," I said from the opposite end of the dining room table. I was staying as far away from follow-the-bouncing-Buffy as possible. "Especially considering Spike would have ripped their heads off if he'd caught them, and Buffy would have gotten REALLY mean. If you want to make a sex film, why not just go over to one of the frat houses on campus and hire a couple of college students?"

"I hate to say it, Dawnie, but I don't think they were making a porn film." Xander tore himself away from Willow's laptop. "This is surveillance camera footage. Someone's been spying on Buffy, and the porn film is just a happy byproduct."

"But that doesn't make any sense," Willow muttered. She picked up one of the larger camera fragments with a pair of tweezers. "Look, it's all dusty, and the battery pack was dead. This hasn't worked for weeks, maybe months. Do we have any toner cartridges we could break open? I think we could use the toner as fingerprint powder, and if whoever installed these left any prints, and if Spike didn't smudge them all up with his macho camera-crushing..."

This was back when printer cartridges had loose toner in them. I had just come off working for a place where we bough giant bags of loose toner and refilled our own cartridges because it was cheaper, and by God, that stuff got EVERYWHERE.

"Oh, right, blame the victim," Spike groused. "Christ, I need a fag." He stomped over to the kitchen door, and I got up and followed him out to the back porch, which was in shadow at this time of day. He lit a cigarette and stood there puffing furiously, all formal and stiff, and it weirded me out. I mean, Spike doesn't just walk or stand or sit. Spike struts and lounges and sprawls and tucks his thumbs in his belt all "Hi, I'm Spike, and this is my crotch!"

On the other hand, somewhere underneath Spike, Vampire Sex God, is still a guy who grew up when ankles were an erogenous zone. "Spike...are you OK?"

"Didn't want you to see that," he said at last. "Not right. Not proper."

He looked absolutely miserable. Any other time I'd have patted his shoulder, but I figured I'd better roll my eyes instead. I leaned against the side of the house, ultra-cool and sophisticated and untroubled by the certain knowledge of Naked Spike a mere two layers of cloth away. "It's OK. Honest. It's not like I've never seen a naked guy before--"

So in my verse, as in canon, Dawn had a crush on Spike. And she knows perfectly well that Spike's in love with her sister, and doesn't see her that way. And she loves her sister, and wants her to be happy, and she doesn't want to be (as she puts it in another story) "pathetic" about it. So she's tried very hard to squash her crush down and pretend it doesn't exist. But sometimes...

That was a mistake. Spike went yellow-eyed, achieving zero to over-protective in six seconds. "And just who the hell--"

"You and Xander, dope, when we all went skinny dipping after that clambake. Get your mind out of the gutter." Of course vague glimpses of guy-parts decently veiled by darkness and ice-cold seawater and didn't quite, uh, measure up to, well, let's just say I'm going to be comparing my future boyfriends to Spike in more ways than one, but you know, I wasn't going to let this be weird. Spike is a total hottie, and maybe, just maybe there have been a few daydreams. Detailed daydreams. With a sound track and special effects. But there are hotties all over the planet, and not all that many guys you can talk to about important stuff like whether or not you really existed before two years ago, and whether the monks that created you remembered to add a standard-issue soul to the mix, and how incredibly annoying older sisters can be. "On second thought, I'm deeply traumatized. I think I might get over it if you talked Buffy into letting me get my navel pierced."

Spike stared at me, various bits of him twitching. "Dawn--"

I patted his shoulder, because I could. "You're gonna be inhaling filter in a minute. Let's go inside."

When we got back inside, Willow had bit and pieces of camera wired up to the laptop. "Curiouser and curiouser," she said. "The server this camera was supposed to send information to doesn't exist any longer, or at least, it's not turned on. The web site's on a regular commercial server, and the domain name's registered to Horatio Hellpop--pseudonym much? Good news, it looks like the site's only been up for a couple of days--" She broke into a triumphant grin. "We're in!"

"What're you waiting for, then?" Spike doesn't usually use his sire-to-minion voice on Willow, but he was using it now. "Take it down!"

It's not relevant to the tale at hand, so I don't belabor it here, but this Willow is a vampire with a soul. It's a long story.

"Patience, Grasshopper." Willow typed a few more cryptic strings of symbols into the laptop. "Bad news, it's going to take me a few hours to find out who the owner really is. I'll have to hack into Paypal to get his bank account info and track IP addresses and stuff."

I did not research what it would take to hack into Paypal. I have my limits.

Spike began pacing back and forth, tense and borderline vampy, looking like he really, really wanted to kill something. Or someone. "And in that time this berk could run off a hundred more copies and pass 'em out to friends as door prizes."

"Or keep them and sell fifty-seven of them to the list of people I'm downloading now," Willow said. "OK. I've disabled the site and changed the passwords, so no one will be able to order any more." She cracked her knuckles. "Give me six hours and I can clean out Larry Flynt Junior's bank account, ruin his credit history, and send anonymous tips to Donald Rumsfeld that he's a terrorist child pornographer." Willow's a little less scary without her magic, but really? Not by that much. She looked around. "Not that I would ever do anything like that."

I mean really. "Hacker" may be a 90s cliche, but I still wouldn't want one mad at me.

Spike snatched the list of names and credit card numbers off the printer and squinted at it. "Bloody hell. There's addresses all the way from Juneau to Key West." He looked at the list again, and smiled. Need I say it wasn't a very nice smile? "I think it's time to pay a visit to the locals. Could be some of them have an idea who they're ordering from. Harris, you want to take out the rest of those cameras, and--" He turned to Willow. "Will, when Buffy gets home, for God's sake don't let her suss out anything's wrong. If she finds out about this..."

My Spike still needs glasses, but is too vain to wear them. I have a number of canonical justifications for this headcanon.

All of us shuddered in unison. If Buffy found out there would be an explosion of thermonuclear proportions. Spike grabbed his motorcycle jacket and blanket and headed for the front door, and I leaped to my feet and ran after him. "Wait up! I'm going with you!"

He scowled at me. "I think not. You're going to stay here, and distract your sister like a good little minor."

"Uh-uh." I used all of my hey-Dawnie's-tall-now height to advantage. "Look, Spike, all this stuff getting out does to you is make you mad. If Buffy finds out, she's going to be..." I floundered for a minute. " Humiliated, and nobody humiliates my sister except me. I'm gonna go with you, and we're gonna find out who did it and...and... kick their butts with pointy-toed shoes."

Spike glared, but it was the old I-disapprove-on-principle-but-you're-all-right,-Niblet glare, and I knew he'd be caving in ten, nine, eight... "Move yer girly arse, then," he said with an unconvincing growl. "We've got villains to apprehend."

I scooted for the DeSoto before he could change his mind. Maybe he thought that it would be a good idea to have someone soul-having around when he was this mad, just in case. Or maybe, and I really prefer this version, he just wanted a partner in crime because it's more fun that way. Spike flung the blanket over his head and copied my dash for the car, and we flung ourselves into the DeSoto's dark interior just as Spike was beginning to sizzle. "You come along, you mind what I tell you, yeah? I say stay in the car, you stay in the car. I say you run, you run. I say you take that fucking pathetic excuse for music out of the CD player and toss it out the window--"

"--and I ignore you like always," I said cheerfully, turning up the Jennifer Lopez.

"Fine. If anyone dies tonight, it's on your head. Some things are beyond any self-respecting vampire's endurance." Spike slammed into reverse and backed out of the driveway with a screech of tires. I grabbed the door handle. Driving with Spike is always a character-building experience, and today was no exception. "First on the hit parade?"

I scanned the list. "Vernon Blakely, 1583 East Beechwood. What are we gonna say to Mr. Blakely when we get there?"

Spike gazed out through the little clean space in the windshield, obviously pondering which limb he should rip off first, and peeled out like there was a mob with torches after us. "Improvisation is a virtue, Bit."

I had absolutely no idea how they would get the DVDs back. The next several scenes are just me letting the characters take the reins and do whatever the hell they wanted to.

**********

Spike was smoking gently beneath his blanket when the shade-deficient door of 1583 East Beechwood opened to our urgent hammering, and a middle-aged guy with thinning red hair and freckles and a pot belly opened it and blinked at us. He looked like Mr. Weasley gone to seed. "Mr. Blakely?" I said with my brightest, shiniest smile.

The Blakely looked from me to Spike, and the contrast seemed to produce some kind of cognitive dissonance on his part. "Can I... have we met?"

"Only in spirit." Spike leaned heavily against the doorframe, with a smile that was probably supposed to be reassuring, but which made him look like he was sporting fangs even when he wasn't. Spike isn't a big guy--in fact, he's on the smallish side, but he's got, you know, muscles. And this air of being able to rip your liver out. Also did I mention the muscles? "I'm given to understand you made a purchase recently from...ah..." He glanced surreptitiously at the paper in his hand. "...Mad Genius Productions?"

Mr. Blakely looked at me, dubious, and at Spike, nervous. "What of it? If I'd done anything like that, which I didn't."

"We're from the, uh, department of quality control," I chirped. "The DVDs are..."

"Radioactive," Spike put in. "Rot your goolies off just like that. " I gave him an elbow-jab.

"Defective," I said firmly. "Glitches. Pixelization. It's criminal the kind of shoddy merchandise we put out. We're recalling them and giving you a replacement at absolutely no charge!"

Spike held up a jewel case and flashed it under Blakely's nose. "Director's cut. Added scenes. 40% more filth for the price."

Suspicion was gathering in Mr. Blakely's watery blue eyes. "Hey, you're that guy from the video," he said.

Spike heaved a melodramatic sigh. "All right, all right, as you've twisted my arm, I'll autograph it for you."

I honestly did not expect him to say that, but somehow there I was, typing it.

The watery eyes brightened. "Really?"

Five minutes later we were dashing for the car again, with the confused Mr. Blakely waving us goodbye. "So what's he going to do when he discovers he's been suckered for a bootleg copy of J-Lo's latest?" I asked, as we tore away from the curb.

"Long as it's got some bint with her tits hanging out on the cover, I doubt he'll notice the difference." Spike grinned. "There'd just better be some hitting involved in the next one."

**********

"I don't believe there's any such thing as a Department of Quality Control," Mr. Angusson said, looking us up and down. "What the hell kind of scam are you pulling?"

"All we want to do is to replace--" I started.

"Look, missy, I bought that DVD nice and legal, and I don't give a crap if whatever goombah and his girlfriend put on plastic fangs to do it is having second thoughts now. So you and your boyfriend just toddle off and--"

"HEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPP!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs. "HE'S SHOWING ME HIS THING! IT'S ALL GROSS AND PURPLE AND--"

I didn't expect Dawn to do that, either. And yet!

Angusson disappeared and reappeared in two seconds flat, chucking the DVD at our heads.

"Better," Spike said as we tore out yet again. "But I'm still feeling a lack in the hitting things area."

Mr. Fishbein retreated a step from the threshold. "I'm not giving you anything, and I'm not letting you in," he quavered. "What do you think I am, stupid? You're a vampire!"

Honestly, it's Sunnydale. SOMEONE has to get it.

Spike rolled his eyes. He's learned from the masters. "Oh, bollocks, you don't really believe--"

"Oh, yeah?" Fishbein challenged. "Step through that door!"

I stepped through the door, grabbed Fishbein's hand and gave him a good hard yank, right across the threshold and into Spike's waiting fist.

"What was that?," Spike caroled, drawing back for another punch. "Come on in and have a cuppa, Spike? Better repeat it, I'm a touch deaf in that ear."

"That was unnecessarily bloody," I said as we hopped into the car and stepped on the gas, one DVD richer.

"He'll live," Spike said dismissively. "Probably. Next?"

**********

I figured I had to give Spike SOME violence, or he'd get mopey.

"Can you see--?" I hissed, trying to get a better view through the front window. It was getting dark, and I was out of practice at sneaking around not-really-abandoned buildings. Spike shushed me and crept around to the door. I peered through the sad straggly thevetia hedge, cupping my hands against the dirty glass. The place was just crawling with innnnnnteresting monsters, all huddled around a crappy old black and white TV. There's some law against demons watching flatscreen color, apparently.

"Oh, my God, are they really...you know....doing it?" The Gorthesch demon bumped a couple of Fyarls further down on the couch and plunged a scaly paw into the bowl of popcorn as they all stared at the flickering screen. "With a Slayer? I mean, I heard about it, but I didn't think even a vampire could sink that low."

"Real vampires don't," the lone vampire in the crowd protested, voice dripping disgust. "Maybe great big Slayer-whipped pussies do, but--"

"Shut up!" came a chorus of squeaky, growly, and croaky voices. Despite the complaints, everyone seemed to like the show. There were tongues hanging out. At least, I hope they were tongues.

"Yeah, it's just gettin' to the good part," a Syvithis demon whispered.

"Oooh! The one with the pommel horse?"

"No, where the Slayer goes down on him in the graveyard and he--"

I actually wrote a PWP detailing all the scenes in The Spuffy Sex Tape. An edited-down version eventually got incorporated into A Parliament of Monsters, when Angelus gets a hold of one of the copies that Spike and Dawn aren't able to track down in this story.

The front door imploded with a crash, splinters flying everywhere, and Spike strode into the room over the wreckage, a gleam in his eye and a really, really big axe slung over one shoulder. He surveyed the assortment of demons with a grin almost as big as the axe and about twice as vicious, ran his tongue over his teeth and and tucked his free thumb in his belt loop, fingers splayed over the merchandise. Just like old times. "Looks like you're right, mate," he said. "We are just getting to the good part."

**********

"OK, I take it back," I said as we headed for home. "THAT was unnecessarily bloody." It was after midnight, and we'd collected twenty-two DVDs, broken and entered fifteen houses and/or lairs, killed or maimed eight demons, broken five human fingers accidentally-on-purpose, and signed two autographs. Spike had definitely achieved his hitting things quota, and it was a safe bet that no one in Sunnydale would be mentioning Spike and Buffy's brief but eventful movie career in public any time soon.

"All right, p'raps the railroad spike was a bit much, but a bloke gets nostalgic." Spike stretched, all luxurious and satisfied, and lit up a fresh cig, trailing smoke out the window. He had a black eye and a split lip and a scrape right across the place where his cheekbone goes all knife-edgy, and the stretching made things creak inside that probably weren't supposed to creak, but he was in a much, much better mood. "He'll grow a new head."

Where did Spike get a railroad spike on short notice? I have no idea. He's just resourceful that way.

"If you say so," I said, a bit dubious. "Doesn't that only happen when you cut the old one off?"

"So it'll take a bit longer." Spike bounced a little in his seat, all hepped up on the old ultra-violence. "Still haven't found the bastard who's selling the things, though. Must be a bleeding criminal mastermind if--" I Wanna Be Sedated beebled from the cell phone in his pocket. (Like I said, a lot better with technology than some vampires I can name. He can even program it, though considering the songs he picks, sometimes we wish he couldn't.) He grabbed the phone one-handed and didn't slow down even a bit as he zipped through freeway traffic. (Well, he is evil.) "Yeh? You must be joking. You must be--fuck. That little--I'll tear his soddin' head off! Yeh, I know. I'll just bruise him a little." He clicked the phone off and stuffed it back in his pocket, spun the wheel and zigged across four lanes of traffic towards the off-ramp, leaving a chorus of screeching brakes behind us. "After I tear his soddin' head off."

"Where are we going?" I yelled.

Spike hunched over the wheel, eyes grim. "Off to see the wizard."

We pulled up in front of one of the cruddy lease-by-the-month apartment buildings over by the UC Sunnydale campus. Maybe it was the same one Dad and I stayed at when he came down from L.A. to take care of Buffy's estate that time she was dead--the second time, I mean, not the first time. Some of the grease spots in the parking lot looked familiar.

It just struck me as I was describing the building that it was almost identical to the one I'd described in Necessary Evils, so I thought I'd better lampshade it.

"Apartment 42B, Will says." Spike sucked in his cheeks and narrowed his eyes, scoping out the disintegrating stucco overhead. "There at the end." He slapped his hands together and bounded towards the stairs like he was scaling Everest. I followed like I was scaling a rickety stepladder. (Hey, lack of supernatural stamina here. I was getting pretty darned tired.) The lights were on in 42B, and we paused outside the door, which was painted in barf-making 80s turquoise. Spike pounded on it with one fist. "Open up! Land shark!"

I heard some rustling and thumping noises inside, and a crash like a bookcase falling over. "Go away!" a strangely familiar voice yelled. "You can't get in here anyway!"

"Yeh? Maybe not, but I can stand out here till you starve to death. Or set the building on fire, or...uh..." Spike paced the catwalk for a second, smoking like a fiend, which I guess is appropriate. I was pretty sure the fire thing was a bluff, since Spike's not usually one for indirect mayhem. He's got the whole hitting things fetish, after all. Then his eyes lit up and he grinned. "Maybe I can't walk through your door, but there's nothing says I can't kick it down and send in my terrible mute minion, Paco." He whirled around and unleashed one of his shitkicker boots at the door. BANG! The whole building shuddered (which sounds impressive, but considering it was probably made out of pressboard and Kleenex, isn't so much). WHAM! A hinge sprung and the doorframe cracked. I buffed my nails and waited--obviously Spike was holding back.

I don't know why more vampires don't do things like this.

"I'm gonna lose my deposit!" the voice inside wailed.

"My heart bleeds. Oh, wait, no it doesn't. Open up, or--"

The door flew open, or tried to (Spike had knocked it kind of cattywompus, and it stuck halfway.) A face peered out, pale and pear-shaped and nervous under slept-in dark hair. Behind it was a barren little studio apartment littered with pizza boxes, comic books, and boxes of DVDs and padded mailers. There was practically no furniture except a mattress and a desk with a pretty sweet computer and home studio setup.

My hand shot out and I grabbed Pasty-face by the ear and pulled, hard. "Jonathan?!" I yipped. Jonathan squirmed and batted at me, but I dug my nails in. "YOU'RE the criminal mastermind?"

"Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!" he yelled. "Let me go, don't let him kill me, I didn't mean to, it's not my fault!"

"Oh, for God's sake, quit whining," I snapped, letting go. "Spike hasn't even touched you."

Spike took a drag on his cigarette, peeled himself off the railing and sort of glided over, all slouchy and menacing, with the angle of the floodlights leaving black caverns where his eyes should be. Jonathan squinched in on himself. "You just don't learn, do you?" Spike asked, soft and pee-your-pants scary. "How long've you had those cameras on us?"

Jonathan backed away with a panicky shuffle. "They're not mine! They were Warren's, and they haven't worked since the police confiscated all his computer stuff! Honest! I just happened to have some files I'd saved for, for--"

"Wanking material?" Spike asked, excessively sarcastic.

"Research!" Jonathan reached the wall and sat down very abruptly. "I didn't mean anything by it! All I wanted was to raise some money so Warren and Andrew could get a better lawyer! Someone who knows about demon-related cases, like Goldberg & Osbourne, or Wolfram & Hart. I didn't think you'd ever find out, and I'm really, really, really sorry, please don't kill me, please, please, PLEASE don't kill me--"

Goldberg & Osbourne is a real law firm in Phoenix, AZ, known for being sleazy ambulance-chasers. A joke that only I ever got.

"Didn't mean anything by dragging a lady's reputation in the dirt?" Spike roared (and again, by roared, I mean, well, roared). He grabbed Jonathan by his Robotech jammies and hauled him up nose-to-nose--Jonathan's one of the few guys Spike can look down on. "Well, maybe I won't mean anything when I rip your balls off and stuff them in your eye sockets, how's that?"

"Why?" I asked, grabbing Spike's arm. I realized I'd been wanting to ask that question for a long time. "Why, Jonathan? I mean, I get Warren and whatsisface--they had grudges against Buffy, but you used to be--" Well, not her friend, not really. "She saved your life! You gave her the Class Protector award! She let you off the hook when she turned Warren over to the cops--you were an accessory to murder, Jonathan, and she let you go! I don't get it. Why are you helping them?"

Jonathan yanked his pajama top out of Spike's grip and pulled himself up like he'd taken a dose of Insta-Spine. "Because they're my friends," he said, very simply, meeting Spike's yellowing eyes head-on. "And I know they're not much, but they're all I've got. Whatever else happens, you've got to stand by your friends, right? Or what's the point?" He sighed, squared his shoulders, and looked up at Spike with a little smile. "It's a fair cop. I guess you'd better do whatever it is you're going to do."

I wanted Jonathan to redeem himself a little bit, kinda?

Spike stood there looking at Jonathan, head cocked in the His Master's Voice pose he gets when he's trying really, really hard to figure out the motivations of the souled. And I knew what was going through his head. Spike was looking for a reason not to kill him.

See, Spike doesn't have a soul. He doesn't do good stuff because it's right. He can't. He's not wired that way, as he puts it. But he can do good stuff if there's a reason--like if it helps him somehow, or makes someone he loves happy. Or if it makes him feel, for a minute, like he's a man and not a monster, which is a feeling he really likes. And that's the cool thing about Spike, the thing I really love about him, and I think probably the thing Buffy loves too: not the cheekbones or the attitude or the mad combat skilz or what's under those jeans, but that he does like that feeling, and so Spike looks for those reasons. Looks real hard. Harder, I think sometimes, than some people with souls.

I'm just sayin'.

"Right," he said at last. And he hauled off and punched Jonathan right in the nose.

"YEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOW!" Jonathan fell over, clutching his face, and gore splattered everywhere. "By dose! You broge by dose!"

But still, well, evil.

"Just be glad that's all I've broke," Spike said. He wiped his knuckles on his t-shirt instead of licking the blood off, which was a pretty big compliment, really. Congratulations, Jonathan, you've graduated to Not-Food! "Christ, where's the fun in beating the shit out of a pathetic little wibbling sod like you?" He pulled a handkerchief out of his jacket pocket (that's another moderately cool thing about Spike: he carries pocket handkerchiefs) and tossed it to Jonathan. "Grab the goods, Bit. It's time to call it a night."

Jonathan sat there snorfling blood into the hanky while I ferried the DVDs and Jonathan's hard drive out to Spike--I figured Willow could check it out for contraband and return it, so we weren't stealing it exactly. As we started down the stairs with the last armload, Spike turned back to Jonathan, almost amiable. "Word to the wise. I don't forget what your friends put Buffy through. If you want to do your pals a real favor, maybe you ought to remember that while I'm out here, and they're safe in stir, no one's likely to get eaten accidental-like, eh?"

Now this! At the time that I wrote this, I had NO IDEA that Warren would come back and cause trouble later, and that Spike would, in fact, end up eating him. Indeed, by the time I wrote "The Lesser of Two Evils," I had completely forgotten that I'd written this line, and when I stumbled upon it when re-reading a couple of years later, it was this totally serendipitous piece of foreshadowing. Sometimes writing is so cool!

Jonathan stared at him, and nodded a little. And we left.

**********

It was past two o'clock when we got home. We locked the DVDs in the trunk of the DeSoto, which had been the closet for a lot of other skeletons in its day, and after a short consultation on how to best avoid Ordeal By Buffy, we strolled into the house as if we were coming in from a late patrol and nothing in the universe was wrong.

Willow was still tapping away at her laptop in the dining room. "I'm just tracking down the copies on eBay," she whispered, "and sending out fake cease and desist orders from Mad Genius Productions. Buffy's in bed. She doesn't suspect a thing." She noted our alarmed glances and added, a bit huffily, "Don't worry, Xander took care of the the subterfuge part. Did you get him?"

"Yeh, he's got." Spike rolled his head and rubbed back of his neck. "Battle of the ages. Christ, I'm glad that's done with." He eyed our crumpled list of victims thoughtfully. "Wonder if I could fake a business trip to Juneau."

"Don't press your luck," Willow said drily.

"Someday I'm going to sire someone with a minimum of respect for their elders," Spike growled.

Willow grinned, smug. "And they'll bore you so much you'll stake them inside forty-eight hours. Shoo. Buffy's waiting for you."

So we headed for the stairs, and as I put my foot on the first step, I heard Spike heave a big sigh behind me. "Thanks, Bit. Couldn't have managed without you." When I looked back, he was staring at the toes of his boots, all awkward and embarrassed. "I just hope this hasn't... hasn't..."

"Spike, I'll always think of you as my brother." I waited two beats, and added with a perfectly straight face, "My brother with the enormous schlong."

I got three whole steps before Spike came after me and chased me all the way upstairs.

This story is the second of three I wrote ("The Road to Byzantium" and "A Dark and Stormy Night" are numbers one and three) which has Dawn moving on from her crush and into a more grown-up friendship with Spike as a major theme, and hopefully it works. And they all lived happily ever after, at least until I got another idea!

#btvs #fic discussion #thenewbuzwuzz #spuffy #fan fiction #dvd commentary

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Text

Welcome to the Hellmouth

Original Australian air date: 3 December 1997

Directed by: Charles Martin Smith

Written by: Joss Whedon

Starring: Sarah Michelle Gellar, Anthony Head, Alyson Hannigan, Nicholas Brendon, Julie Benz, Kristine Sutherland, and David Boreanaz

Welcome to What Buffy Wore season one, episode 1, In which we meet our hero Buffy Anne Summers and are introduced to the Scooby Gang, Cordelia Chase, and season 1′s Big Bad - The Master.

A brief recap for the unfamiliar and let’s face it, if you’ve stumbled onto here you’ll be well-versed in the language of Buffy. But anyway, here goes. Buffy and her mother Joyce move to Sunnydale after Buffy is expelled from her previous school, Hemery High School in Los Angeles. The reasons for her expulsion are presumably related to the events of the 1992 film of the same name. Determined to make a fresh start, she’s horrified when she encounters new librarian Giles, who reminds of her destiny as the vampire slayer.

I was going to quote stuff here, but I can’t be bothered. Y’all know all of them, right? In this episode we have two main Buffy ensembles. I’m not counting her pyjamas - I’ll get into their cuteness later. The two main ensembles are her first day of school, and her first night at the Bronze. I believe I coveted one outfit more than the other at the time, but history is written by the winners. Or the older, wiser, more fashion-conscious.

So let’s do this!

Outfit 1 - First Day at school

Forgive the quality. I’m new to screen caps or whatever you kids call them. Let us marvel at a time when 4:3 was the only aspect ratio in town.

Buffy’s outfit is a white t-shirt and a-line miniskirt with knee high boots. She’s wearing a light blue short-sleeved cardigan over the t-shirt, prompting me to wonder throughout the episode whether the t-shirt was not in fact a singlet. And was the cardigan light blue or mint? I’m pretty sure it’s light blue.

I’d always assumed the skirt was a mulberry or burgundy colour but tonight’s viewing lead me to wonder if it wasn’t dark brown like her boots all this time? But I’m 97% it’s the berry colour I assumed as a 15 year old. I mean, 5 year old! ahem. In a later scene Buffy asks Willow to help her with school and it’s decidedly purple in tone. I always applauded this colour combination. I still do. The costume designer at the time was Cynthia Bergstrom and I salute her. She had me searching high and low for those white v-neck t-shirts she had SMG in all of the time.

The plastic rings were already a crucial part of the wardrobe along with varying shades of nail polish. I believe Buffy went with a pastel blue to match the cardigan and her second outfit. Makeup is a smoky eye with pinks and blues. And were we in a glossy brown/nude phase lipstick-wise? I can’t remember. It’s taken a good twenty years for me to actually wear lipstick on the regular and it’s always matte.

Buffy’s first outfit was a triumph for me. It still is. What may not be a triumph is the hair. Before SMG got this gig she had really long brown hair. For this role she went for a dark blonde shade with a shorter length and more layers. The bangs were wispy. I hate wispy bangs. I believe a terrible, life-ruining hairdresser may have tried to convince me its the only kind I could have. But I’m not bitter! The hair clip featured in Buffy’s hair above was one already in high rotation at my place.

I remember twin sets (knit top and matching cardigan) being the height of fashion at the time. I may have asked mum to purchase me a few. Being chubby and afraid of short skirts I probably went for a knee length version of the above. So when Buffy also moved to knee length skirts I was the praise emoji before I even had a mobile phone. Or the Internet.

But twin sets. I had a purple one I loved so much. The top was sleeveless and the cardigan long sleeved. There may have been some floral embroidery as well. I may have also paired it with a checked or charcoal bootcut pant. Are pants technically bootcut? Or is it just jeans? Either way, this was the land before the skinny jean or slim leg pant. That wouldn’t get to us until the mid-2000s. I know what you’re thinking: a land before internet, mobile phones and a skinny legged pant? How did you survive? Well, it was all we knew. We couldn’t know then what we know now and if we had, then perhaps things would have been different. Better, even.

Perfect segue to Buffy’s second outfit!

I’m still not quite sure what the above is. PVC little black dress? Some sort of corset? One of Julia Roberts’ prostitute dress from Pretty Woman? Don’t slut shame yourself, B. Wear whatever you like, because you’re a strong woman who shouldn’t be bound by cultural and societal notions of purity and femininity. But also, the dress is a no from me.

What has always fascinated me is her next option. Done with the whore, she tries the virgin and finds she doesn’t like that either.

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I’ve always wanted to know exactly what that floral dress looks like. Is it a maxi dress? High neck? There’s a tie - is it worn around the waist? Is it a pussy bow neckline? I MUST KNOW AND THE INTERVENING YEARS HAVE NOT REDUCED MY YEARNING.

So after apparently agonising over something that was second nature in her pre-slaying days, Buffy goes with the below.

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I mean, deal with that shirt for a moment. Much like the dude’s outfit she will use to identify him as a vampire, this outfit is not just dated, it’s carbon dated. I might have preferred whatever the black unknown was.

Eschewing dresses altogether for her first night out with the living - er, lively people, Buffy goes with a white singlet, blue shirt with one button done up like a jacket, black pants, and black boots. The boots are undoubtedly knee high. It was just a thing, guys. This was also before we had pants slim enough to tuck into said boots, remember? Dark days. What’s darker is that the pants, not satisfied to just be a type of bootcut monstrosity, are ankle length. Society will tell you that this makes a short girl look short, as though being short were the worst thing in the world. It’s not. I’m 5″2′ and I’m fine with looking every of inch of that. But these are... look, it’s not my favourite, ok? But what did I think of it then?

I remember loving her school outfit more. But does that mean I didn’t wear button up shirts as jackets over t-shirts and singlets? No it does not. Because I did it all the time. Because not only is it the perfect item for a balmy evening that may turn cold, it’s also great for girls too fat for most button up shirt offerings from Jay Jays, Kmart or Target. So, me. I think she also deserved snaps for her courageous decision to wear pants instead of a slinky dress, as a Cordelia Chase might. Or did.

From a logistical perspective it also makes perfect sense. Buffy will battle some members of the undead in this number later in the episode, so range of movement is essential. She can lose the shirt if required but it can also hide any potential bloodstains. The pants seem comfortable and the boot heel low enough that running isn’t out of the question. Her hair is up in a french roll so no need to worry about flyways or accidental self-scalping, a constant worry for me when people fight evil with their hair down.

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See?

With 90s fashion making a resurgence, the reappearance of ensembles like these seem almost inevitable. Just the other day I saw a young girl wearing a shirt I wore in the late 90s. This was not a new version or knock-off. No: this shirt had the unmistakable wear and tear of an original. Someone had, gulp, bought this secondhand. It may have even been marked ‘vintage.’ My only hope is that it was a low/reasonable price at Savers.

But would I wear any of this stuff now? Possibly. I’ll return to the boots later, much like Buffy does. And the pants. I would definitely wear the burgundy(?) miniskirt. But what about the others in the Buffyverse? Whose wardrobe might influence me today?

Darla’s ambiguous school uniform should seem out of place. There’s no mention of private schools in Sunnydale anywhere. Also she looks at least 26. Perhaps her cover is an adult entertainment venue and I’ve been thinking about this all wrong for 20 years.

At school Cordelia wears a sheer black shirt with lime pants in a fabric that surely must be the most evil to escape the Hellmouth. So that’s a no.

I think the guys were wearing cargo pants. Also no. David Boreanaz’s performance as Angel was too distracting. He too was fond of button up shirts and black pants. Why would you wanna wrestle with the undead dressed like you’re going to a job interview at Coles?

No, the wardrobe modern day me would most covet actually belongs to... Willow. Lose the white tights and chunky shoes and her tweed dress with white button up shirt worn underneath is a revelation. Mindy Lahiri would wear the heck out of that. And her floral dress and cardigan at the Bronze is cute as hell. Willow would go on to carve out a sense of style befitting her wonderful personality in later seasons but we can clearly see elements of it from the beginning. We were just too blind to see.

Up next will be The Harvest, technically part two of Welcome to the Hellmouth. I hope you’re as desperate for the next post as I was for the next episode. You’re probably not. But I’ll still do it.

Until next time, slayerettes.

#buffy summers #buffy the vampire slayer #buffyverse #buffyfashions #the slayer #television #fashion #popculture #joss whedon #whedonverse

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kyliafanfiction-archive · 8 years

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10 More Faith/Amy Drabbles

A while ago, I wrote ten drabbles based on a gifset of Faith and Amy that @emofaith made. (They’re right here, for the interested ). Well, since @emofaith made another ten gifs, I’m writing more drabbles.

Because I love Faimy and I always will. So there. :P

The drabbles take place in seperate universes unless otherwise stated.

I. I’m Stuff

Amy turned her head to see Faith sauntering through the hallway, Willow and Xander behind her.

“So... Faith, I was wondering if you wanted to come hang at the Bronze with us tonight. We’re all gonna be there - Buffy, Oz, Cordelia.” Amy already knew what Faith’s answer was going to be, of course, but she smirked as Faith answered.

Faith shook her head, “Nah. ‘precciate the offer though, but I’m gonna be busy tonight.”

“Busy? Whatcha gonna be doing?” Xander asked curiously. “I mean, from what I’ve heard, alls quiet on the Slaying front.”

“No, not Slaying. Just... doing stuff.” Faith chuckled as if at a private joke. One only she and Amy shared.

“What sort of-” Willow started to ask, but Amy chose that moment to walk up to the three of them and grab Faith’s hand. This was too good of an opening to pass up.

“I’m stuff,” Amy told them, smiling wickedly.

II. Later Loser! (All Normal/HS AU)

“Later loser!” Faith shouted over the sound of the motorcycle speeding off and away from the park. Amy tried to ignore her as she walked in the opposite direction. Of course, that wasn’t exactly working, and even if she could ignore those words, that wouldn’t do anything about the pain in her chest.

But she made sure she didn’t look like she was hurting.

She still didn’t get what the hell Faith had done all that for. What kind of sick bitch takes a dare to date someone for two months just to dump them publicly and humiliatingly?

And I told her I’d been crushing on her for a year before it even started. So she knows just how much she hurt me.

One way or another, Amy was gonna get payback. Maybe she could start by breaking her douchebag boyfriend’s motorcyle.

Or maybe sabotaging the breaks on it...

That idea sounds like a plan. He’d been just as in on it as Faith.

III. Ever Kissed a Girl Before?

Faith laid down on the bed across from Amy’s and looked over at the half-asleep witch. Well, at least Faith was pretty sure she was just half asleep.

She’d never really had the chance for slumber-parties when she’d been younger - not between her druggie mom and then a succession of foster homes before she quit school and the system and took care of herself.

But here she was, having a sleepover with the girl who had rapidly become her best friend - and Faith kinda wanted her to be something more.

More than kinda. Faith had done beating around the bush, but seemed like girls here in the ‘dale just didn’t get subtle sapphic flirting. So she was gonna go direct this time

“Psst!” Faith hissed over at Amy. “Are you awake?”

Amy opened her eyes. “... am now.” She said, blinking repeatedly. “What?”

“Okay, so this is gonna sound all out of context, but I’m gonna ask you anyway: Ever kissed a girl before?”

Amy blinked once more, slowly, staring at her. She lifted her head up a little. “Ah... no?”

“Wanna try it?”

IV. Heart in the Window

“Come on Amy. Live a little!” Faith said through the open window. The teacher was out of the room for a few minutes, which is how Faith was getting away with this - none of the other students in the class were gonna complain about the excuse to watch something interesting. Except Willow, who was very obviously ignoring everything and focusing on the test in front of her.

“Faith, I have to finish this test...” Amy said, unable to stop the small smile forming on her face at the sight of her girlfriend.

Faith said nothing in response, just backing out of the open window and moving over to the closed one right next to it. She leaned in, breathing on the glass, and Amy couldn’t take her eyes off Faith’s lips - damn that dark red shade looked good on her.

But when Faith drew a little heart in the condensation on the window...

Fuck. Faith could always get her to do just about anything by saying - or in this case drawing - ‘I love you’.

“Fuck it. I can retake the taste another time.” Amy said, dropping her pen and getting out of her chair.

V. Help Yourself

When Amy had said that Faith could use the spare bedroom at he place, she had been a little surprised that the other girl had accepted the offer. She’d recognized a look in the other girl’s eyes, one she knew well from looking in the mirror. The ‘I don’t need help from fucking anyone’ look.

But... well, now the why of it seemed pretty damn clear, the way she was scarfing down dinner. Good thing dad always makes extra.

“Hey, Amy, you don’t mind if I have some of your fries?” Faith asked, looking up as she walked towards the table.

Amy blinked. “Uh - yeah, no. Go ahead.”

VI. She Still Pissed?

(This one takes place in the Aliciaverse - where Faith and Amy are married and have a daughter named Alicia)

Faith sat up hurriedly as Amy opened the door. “So... what’s the verdict? She still pissed at us?” Raising a six-year old didn’t come with any handbook, and what you were supposed to do when your kid got all sulky because you wouldn’t buy them a pony probably wouldn’t have been in one anyway.

“She’s your daughter too, what do you think?” Amy replied with a sigh, putting a hand on her hip. Faith couldn’t help but smile at that. “Yeah. She’s still angry. I think it’s mostly just for show though.”

“Where does this thing with pink and ponies come from then? Not like either of us are into those?” Faith asked.

“I blame Cordelia for the ponies thing. Couldn’t begin to tell you where pink comes into things though.”

VII. Long Time

Amy rolled down the window of her parked car. “Faith? Faith!” She could hardly believe it. She hadn’t seen the other girl since the fall of Sunnydale, six years ago. They’d both been part of ‘Team Buffy’, fighting the First Evil and all that shit. Amy had decided that her issues with Willow could wait until the end of the world was prevented and joined up, and then Faith had come along a few months later. They’d had a few fun nights of stress relief before the end. But then she’d gone her seperate way from the Scoobies and new Slayers.

“Amy.” Faith drew up short, a small smile forming on her face as she approached the car. “How are you? Long time.”

“Yeah. Doing pretty good. How about you? Here for Slaying?”

“What else would I be doing in a podunk little town like this? Wanna lend me a hand? Could use some of your magic.”

Amy’s mouth curved up in a smile. “Happy to. Drinks to celebrate? I know a pretty good bar nearby.”

VIII. Don’t Seem So Bad

“You know,” Faith started. “Willow warned me about you. Said you were all kinds of crazy and dangerous. That I should just knock you out and bring you in the easy way.” She shrugged, “Gotta say, you don’t seem so bad.”

“Well, Willow’s never really had much imagination.” Amy replied, chuckling. “She doesn’t think I’ve changed since Sunnydale. Doesn’t imagine I can, I guess. I’m used to that kind of shit from her now. That and her whole holier-than-thou schtick.”

Faith rolled her eyes. “Don’t even start. I get you don’t like Red, and that’s cool, you two got history, but she ain’t that bad, ‘kay? You haven’t seen her in five years either, so it’s not like you know what she’s like now either.”

Amy sighed, then nodded slowly. “Yeah, fine, alright. So... what’s the deal? You gonna take me in, or can I go make sure the pizza I have in the oven doesn’t burn?”

Faith considered her options. She didn’t know what Willow and Buffy and the rest wanted Amy for, but she figured it wasn’t for anything that would actually hurt the chick. On the other hand, Faith didn’t like it when the scoobies treated her like an errand girl. Plus, she was hungry. She’d skipped lunch tracking this witch down.

“Depends. What kind of pizza, and do ya have room at the table for a guest?”

IX. Don’t Need a Light

“Thanks,” Amy said as she took the cigarette from Faith. She didn’t usually smoke, but once in a while - it helped take the edge off her low-burn, still there magic addiction. Seeing the girl who’d come home with her last night from the club smoking smoke had made her crave one for just that.

“Here,” Faith offered the lighter as well, but Amy shook her head. “Don’t need it.” She brought her hand up to the cigarette as she put it in her mouth and after a muttered spell, the thing was lit.

“Shit, what are you, some kind of witch?” Faith asked casually, not freaked out at all, just sounding a little surprised.

“Yeah. That a problem?” Amy took an empty beer bottle from last night off the fireplace mantle, dropping it in the trash.

“Nah. I know a few witches. Besides, Slayer here. Can’t call the fucking pot black and all that.”

“I don’t think that’s how it goes...” Amy said, then shook her head. “Whatever. So... Slayer. I used to know the Slayer, back when there was just one.”

“What, you went to school with Buffy or something?” Faith scoffed, as if that was hard to believe.

“Yeah. Buffy, Willow, Xander. I took classes with them and everthing. Rupert Giles was my librarian.” Amy shrugged, “Haven’t had anything to do with them in years though.”

Faith blinked, her brow furrowing. “Wait. Amy the rat?”

X. Second Date

“I was just... I dunno. Thinking about our date the other night...” Amy said, trying to hide her nervousness, curling the cord on her phone around one finger. “I - well... I was - wondering if you wanted to - there’s this new club I was looking to go to... wondering if you wanted to go with me? Like a second date and everything?” Amy said hurriedly, the words spilling out.

“Not against the idea.” Faith said slowly on the other end of the line. “Okay, no, I’ll be real, I’m likin’ the sound of that, but you really sure you wanna do that? I’m pretty fucked up, girl, and I’m never gonna get much better.”

“Faith, if you want to start comparing baggage, we could be at it all night,” Amy explained. “I’m not proposing. Not even suggesting we go steady or whatever. I like you, you like me, let’s have a date and see how it goes.” From what she remembers of Faith the one time they talked years ago in Sunnydale, before she’d turned herself into a rat, this approach to things would have been more Faith’s style. But they’d both changed a lot over the years.

Faith chuckled. “Alright. Then yeah. I’ll go on a second date with you.”

#Buffy the Vampire Slayer #Faimy #Fanfiction #Amy Madison #Faith Lehane #otp: walking the edge together #Gifset Drabbles #All aboard the Faimy Train!#I'm still Faimy Trash

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