#vampire issues in d&d are much more complicated than i thought

[spacebarbarianweird]

Dhampirs of Faerun

We had a discussion about dhampirs with @marcynomercy on Discord recently.

Dhampirs are known to be secretive. They know how to blend with mortals and not to attract the attention of either regular people or vampires. But if you release spawns into the Underdark, dhampirs will be much more common in the decades to come. Much more common than they have ever been.

Now imagine this paranormal comedy fuel.

Masterlist

Headcanons

A group of adventurers gathers in a tavern, tasked with killing a shady villain.

They've never met before, each harboring secrets they don't want to share.

Seven members compose the team.

Berserk - Human

Tiefling Bard who fucks everything that moves and if it doesn't move he moves it and fucks.

A Dwarf Paladin.

A silver-curled Elven maiden skilled with daggers.

A Half-Orc ranger who looks at the sun with awe of someone who has never seen the light.

A Half-Elf Rogue.

And an autistic wizard kid they've picked up for fun.

They carefully plan their tactics and embark on the adventure.

For a month, they travel through the wilderness, bonding and befriending each other.

They learn to trust each other and share some secrets.

There's even a love couple whose relationship will probably last longer than this adventure.

They fight the villain, restrain him, and drag him to their camp.

At night, the villain tries to talk to the wizard kid.

"Kiddo, listen, we have much more in common than you think. Have you ever felt the bloodlust? Have you heard the night singing for you?"

The wizard kid feels uneasy; no one must know his secret.

In the meantime, the Rogue decides to look around the camp for potential threats. The Berserk follows him, looking drunk.

"FUCK!"

A loud yell from the woods awakens everyone in the camp.

"WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!" the Rogue tries to stop blood leaking from his arm. "Are you a fucking Dhampir?!"

"And what the fuck is wrong with your blood?!" bellows the Berserk. "Wait... you too?!"

The group of seven young adventurers steps around the restrained villain, looking at each other with shock and surprise.

"So," the Bard finally composes himself. "We are all Dhampirs, aren't we?"

The whole group stays silent, realizing they've been succeeding in Stealth checks for the entire month but failing the Perception one.

"Wait, I don't understand," says the Paladin. "The Ranger and the Rogue are dating, and I can't sleep the entire night because, please, learn the Silence spell! The Bard has fucked at least three of us! How come no one noticed anything?!"

"Well, I was busy looking at other things," the Bard shrugs.

"Oh, I knew something was off with all of you. I just wanted to see how long you can pretend!" says the Elven maiden, playing with her dagger.

Astarion's daughter is blatantly lying. She is just embarrassed with the fact she has traveled with a group of her own kind and never guessed that.

"Soo," the Berserk says. "What are we going to do with our prisoner?"

"I am one of you! Let me go! There must be some dhampir solidarity among us!"

"No," the Ranger snaps back. "There is a rule in the Underdark. If a vampire kills a sentient being, they are executed because murders attract monster hunters. If we let this asshole go, he will keep ruining Dhampir reputation, and we will suffer, too!"

"Wait, you grew up in this Vampire Spawn City dad told me about?" asks the Elf.

"Yeah, I did."

"My sincere condolences."

The next night is spent in conversations and discussions.

In the morning, they all return to the city to get their reward for catching the bad guy.

They gather in the tavern once again, discussing what to do next when the Elf girl suddenly sticks a dagger into the table with a piece of paper on it.

"There is a vampire lord on the loose, kidnapping and torturing people. Let's kill him for profit!"

--

Tag List

@tragedybunny @caitlincat-95 @tallymonster @astarionsbeloved @lumienyx @fayeriess @elora-the-slutty-songstress @veillsar @astarion-imagine-archive @micropoe10 @starlight-ipomoea @herstxrgirl @theearthsfinalconfession @ashrio20 @not-so-lost-after-all @vixstarria @wintersire @marcynomercy @tugoslovenka

[lesfir]

The charming Dark Side

In the supplement to "Triumph of Evil", I'd like to take the time to the issue - which evil? Astarion, as well as Lord Astarion evil\dark side is complex.

Unattractive evil absolutely breaks Astarion as a character, in the Evil Ascension Ending too, he needs to remain attractive and complex. It's his core, as an Ascended Astarion too, is himself - Astarion, and one of his integral paths as an Astarion character. I need a certain baseline for statements like that, too.

Evil is not cardboard. except for tales cartoons, teaching the virtues Evil is complex. "Has some little good in it" where I'm greedy and want more Is a great line of reasoning in Astarion's story.

Astarion is an fun character for the theme of evil and good. Astarion's own reasoning is extremely materialistic, selfish, and an "evil" picture of the world. Which however in Faerun has its own meaning. It also stays in balance. Astarion is more likely to act as an unsuspecting actor of a global idea that contains complex moral themes than to say such things himself. For example, we might find thoughts that rise above the story in the words of the archetype character "the wise man", Wise Old Turtle -like. Astarion either does not do this arbitrarily or he mocks morality, uses it to accomplish a goal. Or he can't find the words:

CinematicNodeContext: Can't quite find the words to convey "even evil people can be a little bit good" so just mimes weighing scales with his hands NodeContext: "And even good or evil people can be a little bit complicated."

In my opinion this idea from act 2 already overlaps with the ending. Evil power as a tool, evil man, even a little bit of good and something complicated. It also generally intersects with Astarion's story.

Complex Evil has its own morality, motivations, reasons and sense, depending on the context of the story. But it remains "evil" for some reason. Here we are already getting to a debatable, personal topic and who understands evil and gray morality in what way. To me, grayness is different from evil: Realizing it's immoral and still willing to do it. The lack of regret\guilt. The desire to continue. The inner satisfaction, fun of doing evil or all together. Hello Astarion very much hello, Lord Astarion Maybe in the very topic being reasoned over, the story will be something gray, yet the character will be evil within the story. We can add here DnD - in which greed and selfishness are classed as evil. Greed is one of the "deadliest human sins", as well as pride, speaking of other structures of the definition of "evil".

This point of the complexity of dark themes in Astarion's character, was mentioned by Astarion author Stephen Rooney. Stephen Rooney | Idle Insights | Idle Champions | D&D 18:32

Lauren: What was like one or two of the core things that were the most important about his character that needed to be represented? When you were helping us bring your baby into our game what were like the couple things you're like - he has to have this in order to still be him.

Stephen Rooney: When you meet Astarion the first thing that he does in the game is pull a knife on you. He has a certain appreciation for violence I guess, a bit of a murdery streak so… I think it's important to have that… and also… he's a vampire, he's all about blood and he's all about darker sides of humanity. So it's important that that's that's represented in the game. But the same time he’s really fun to write, to have in your party. And it was it's very important for me that that is also represented those kind of the two sides. It's gonna stop you but we'll we'll have a smile on his face and see does it.

Lauren: The fun thing about that duality of like all right he's a vampire he's all about blood but also he's kind of this sarcastic fun character. I like that he is not your cliche brooding dark always kind of emo vampire like he's got in a weird way a lot of fun personality to him and like he's a rogue but he's dressed in like fancy clothes and very he's very charismatic and personable. Were you was that how you were you was that just how you crafted Astarion from a gameplay and character perspective or were you thinking of like let’s make sure he’s not Dracula let’s make sure he’s not super cliché vampires.

Stephen Rooney: (… about cliché vampires) The main thing with Astarion character I think was just trying to get a sense of fun into… He could… It would be very very easy to write a character that was very unlikable in Astarion and we absolutely didn't want to do that. He's a bit terrible consistently throughout the game, he's awful in a whole lot of ways. But at the same time he needs to be charming and he needs to be someone that you actually want to have around. Because you’re gonna be with this guy for hours and hours – it’s a long track through this game so… You gotta make sure he’s engaging, he’s fun. Lauren: He that nice line of like… He’s doing the terrible things but he’s so fun to be around and maybe he’s got a point about the terrible things he’s doing and, you know, maybe he's gonna sway the player over to his side of seeing things a little bit.

Stephen Rooney: Hopefully, I mean, that would be the gold standard if I hit that even most of the time, I’m extremely happy.

___

There are two sides to Astarion's character that are very important to have together - he is a bloodthirsty vampire, "he's all about the darker sides of humanity", and he is fun. It's easy to write Astarion as a very unlikable character, but that's something its author absolutely didn't want. Astarion needs to be charming, interesting, fun, yet keep two sides.

I mean that's why Lord Astarion - being the most dangerous on the meadow - is sulking that he wasn't the one throwing the party, arrogantly looking at the nails "wow they're still alive, good for them", throws away the goblet drinks wine from the bottle, and flies back and forth as tiny furry bat. Astarion's evil is seductive and alluring, instead of only black vacuum. It takes nuance and a lot of detail, balance, as well as the important thing - devilish charm and charisma. More like space viewed from a monitor, constellations and nebulae. If you truly get there, you'll freeze to death in a second, but it's very beautiful from afar. It's the kind of evil he has throughout story. Such evil stays with Astarion in Ascension, more openly and at the apogee. True, it's different for each individual. A friend of mine said: "why do you need that vampire bastard? I'm gonna kill him" хD Alluring of Astarion's evil and especially of Lord Astarion works very differently or doesn't work at all.

[yoonieper]

Just A Taste | PJM

Why are the sweetest things always the worst for you?

✽ Pairing: Jimin x Reader

✽ Genre: Vampire Au, angst, smut, tiny bit of humor

✽ Rated: S for Sweet

✽ Warnings: blood depictions, Jimin nearly jumps y/n, talk about death, Jimin is starving, y/n is seriously the best ride or die, brief mentions of pregnancy talk, fingering, unprotected sex, biting, terrible depictions of blood loss (I’m not a doctor but just go with it), lots of crying (she sad y’all), prepare for the angstttt

✽ Word Count: 17.2k

✽ Summary: They said having a relationship with a human wasn’t a good idea, but Jimin liked you too much to ever let that get in the way. Your relationship was beautiful, yes you didn’t know that small important detail about him being a bloodthirsty vampire, but he had it under control. That’s at least what he thought, he never would have predicted a drought….

✽ Now Playing: Candy by Doja Cat

✽ Author’s Note: Another idea I had been wanting to write for a long time~ Happy birthday Jimin and Happy Halloween! Bonus at the enddddd ;)

No reposting, modifying. Translating is not allowed unless given explicit permission. Thank you so much :D

Jimin’s feet dragged along the dull carpeted floor of his apartment building. The weight of his ongoing stress has finally piled up and become too much to bear. Work was exhausting and the worst issue of all was the hunger that has just been getting worse. He can’t even go home anymore without fear and anxiety of something happening.

This drought had gone on for longer than anyone could have expected. Being around a human right now was dangerous, yet every night he comes back home to you. His everything. He was just so hungry.

He would never do anything to you despite the strong pull of his instincts to just sink his teeth into that pretty neck of yours. He knew you would taste so sweet, your blood rich with life. Not that he was thinking about it or anything… But he would never touch you. This drought was just putting him between a rock and a hard place.

Jimin thought back to it, when his group was told the news.

Despite the myths, no vampire would ever be able to go ‘vegan.’ Animal blood did not contain the same life force that matched with their own. You could drink an entire cow and it wouldn’t do shit. It was just gross and you’re the fool who decided to drink cow blood.

That did make things a bit more complicated.

Luckily the issue was solved already. Some smart people of his kind decided to make a company that hosts blood drives. The blood mostly goes to where it’s intended but a few packets might also be what is keeping his kind alive. It was a full proof system and has been running smoothly ever since Jimin’s been alive.

The problem was the storm that was currently affecting the entire country. A terrible few weeks of bad weather was enough to drive even the most loyal donors away and leave a major shortage. The storms also brought the issue of delivery, the trucks that brought their rations needed to delay their voyage because the weather outside was just that bad.

In turn it left his entire area without any new supplies coming in until the storm clears up, which according to the weather, they haven’t even made it through the worst of it.

He had just come from a meeting with his group in order to plan on how they’re going to get through this. They had spares, enough to thinly ration for the next few days, but not nearly enough to satisfy the lustrous hunger for more.

Jimin could hardly get through work anymore. He really should have considered a better career, but at the time it seemed like the right idea. He was a doctor and the occasional phlebotomist when he’d volunteer for the blood drive. Again, in hindsight it was a terrible idea, but normally he wasn’t starving.

As the days went on it was harder and harder to control himself. The urge to just pounce a human and take what he needed was so great at this point it was scary. There were so many risks being this hungry, he could only hope that Namjoon could figure out a way to get their rations as soon as possible.

Jimin finally made it to the front of the white wood paneled door, the shiny gold numbers reading 612 let him know this was his. He’s fine, he can do this.

You’re the love of his life, no need to be scared.

He got out his key and pushed open to reveal the lovely apartment you both have made your own. You were planning on moving soon, already having a house in mind and have briefly spoken with a realtor. Jimin even had a ring. You weren’t his wife yet but he had every intention of marrying you. The only real reason why he hadn’t popped the question yet was because he hadn’t told you one small detail…

Jimin continued into the apartment, already hearing the shower water running. He smiled at the thought of you inside.

“Jagi?” He called out, setting his keys on the table.

“Oh! Jimin, you’re home!” Your sweet voice immediately brought a smile to the man’s face.

“After what feels like an eternity somehow I made it back…” He stripped off his jacket to reveal the signature white doctor coat.

“Hard day at work?“ You questioned. If only you knew the extent of it… How he nearly had his teeth sunken into one of his patients because they came in needing stitches, a gash that most would wince at had him nearly drooling.

“Yeah, you could say that. I’m exhausted…” He was happy being home. Home with you was salvation, here he didn’t feel like the monster that he knew he was. Sometimes he would forget the unorthodox craving he had. With you he felt normal, he felt human.

Jimin heard you hum slightly and that made him realize how clear you could hear him considering the shower was running.

He peeked his head around the corner to see a towel was wrapped around your form, your leg propped up on the side of the tub and a razor in the other hand.

You seemed to notice him immediately because your head quickly turned so you were looking down the hallway. You shied when you saw his gaze.

“Sorry, you kinda caught me at a weird moment…”

This was anything but weird to him, if anything his heart was warm knowing you were so comfortable to leave the door open. “Don’t worry— did you just get out?” He hoped you would say no.

“I was just about to get in~” Jimin silently cheered to himself. “Would you mind if I join you when you’re ready?”

You noticed the flirty smile on his face. You knew that’s not all he had planned. You didn’t mind though, you didn’t mind at all.

“I’m almost done, start stripping— all I need is like 3 minutes.” You called out. He went a little further down the hallway, his hands in his coat pockets, a fond smile as he leaned against a wall.

It didn’t take you long for you to notice his gaze.

“What? Why are you looking at me like that?” You giggled, already a light blush starting to settle on your cheeks.

Jimin’s heart was full, sometimes it was hard to believe how much he loved you. “I just wanted to say how much I lo—“

“Shit!” You cursed softly to yourself.

He immediately picked it up. His eyes trained on the blood that trickled down your leg, the scent heavenly. If this was any other day, he would just store this memory deep down that would sometimes resurface when he craved to taste you. But he was fucking starving, the rationale he normally possessed was gone. No longer could he seem to overcome the desire that haunted him everyday, but he was looking at it right in the eyes.

He couldn’t escape. His senses were heightened, he could hear the blood pumping through your veins, he could almost taste how sweet you’d be on his tongue. Jimin felt the fangs he normally was able to conceal, emerge quickly, waiting for him to sink his teeth into his prey.

By now you had managed to grab a towel, it was only a small cut, but it still managed to bleed slightly. You didn’t think too much of it until, in your peripheral vision, you saw Jimin staring at you wide eyed.

He looked like he’d seen a ghost.

“Jimin, you ok?” You asked hesitantly, slightly worried. You were shocked when you were about to make your way closer and he bolted away.

Fuck fuck fuck, he knew he had more somewhere. Some fucking where. He ran to the fridge, heading straight for where he kept his emergency reserves. It was a harsh reminder when he quickly scurried through the items, to remember that he took out his reserves for his group.

All he saw was red, a craving so uncontrollable it turned him into a monster.

It didn’t take long for you to catch up to find Jimin hastily digging through the fridge like he was a raccoon.

This was bad.

“Jimin?!” You cried out at the sight.

He could still smell it, he could smell you. How much he wanted to taste. You shouldn’t have come closer. What remained of Jimin wanted to tell you to run, to get away from him, but he couldn’t. The only thing you were now was his prey. He was starving and there you were right in front of him.

Jimin turned around and you nearly collapsed at the sight. No longer was it your sweet faced boyfriend, but he looked like something straight out of a horror movie. Fangs protruded from his mouth, his eyes were red, and he was looking at you like you were…

Food.

“Jimin….” Your voice was weak, barely above a whisper.

Your boyfriend— or whatever this thing was charged at you. Your legs were wobbly from shock and you didn’t make it far, only the front door before you were paralyzed with fear.

He quickly had you caged in with his arms. You were trapped, cornered, nowhere to go. It was over.

He could feel how scared you were, your heart beating out of control— in all honestly made the thought even more alluring. All he wanted was his teeth in your neck as he took what he wanted.

So good, he knew, he could smell how good you’d taste.

Jimin would have honestly given into his craving if he hadn’t come back enough to realize your begging and pleas for him to stop. It all came back, it was you y/n… and he was…

You were shaking, you were so scared… of him.

His frenzied state subsided and he released you. You instantly sunk to the floor, the tears finallying spilling over and you just bawled.

Jimin felt himself choking up, the consequences of his actions settling in. He really was about to…

“Y/n… I… I’m sorry I didn’t mean to… I—I’m sorry…” The words weren’t enough for you who probably didn’t even hear him, but they certainly weren’t enough for himself. Nothing could make up for what he did. Nothing.

His group always warned him about getting in a relationship with a human, he loved you too much to give it up, but now look. He was about to…

Jimin couldn’t stand to be in here anymore. He grabbed his coat and ran out the apartment, even then the temptations he had been feeling still lingered.

How could he face you again?

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

Jimin sat there with a beer in hand, hunched over at the bar. In a haste to get away, fearing what he might do to any more innocents he ran to the only place he knew he wouldn’t do any harm.

The hangout. The place his group resides. They were far away from society, the risk of anyone finding this place slim to none. Out here they could be themselves without the prying eyes of humans.

Jimin took another long swig of his beer. Tears had begun to stain his face and collect on the counter below. He had ruined the most beautiful thing that could come out of his miserable life.

He was trying his best to convince himself this was out of his control. Who could have predicted you would suddenly cut yourself with your razor? It was just unfortunate that he was standing right there and that he was starving.

But that’s the issue. He couldn’t control himself.

He was this close to sinking his teeth into your neck and in his crazed state he doubted, no, he’s sure he wouldn’t have been able to stop, at least until you were lifeless on the floor.

This wasn’t just one of those things that he could push behind him. You likely never wanted to see him again, and even if in some weird alternate dimension you actually did, the risk of an incident like that happening again was too great.

He loved you too much to put you through that again.

They were right.

Suddenly he heard the door open. Jimin turned around to reveal Yoongi and Jungkook. What were they doing here?

He saw Jungkook reach over for the light switch and as the lights illuminated their hangout, the shock on their faces when they saw Jimin at the bar.

“Hyung? What are you doing back here?” Jungkook questioned. Jimin tried to wipe the tears before they got any closer.

“Uh— what are you guys doing here?” His voice was shaky, he could hardly keep it together.

“Jungkook forgot his phone. I came with him to get some papers for Namjoon. Now what about you?” He wasn’t paying attention to anything, they knew it too, his quiet sobs becoming more and more obvious.

“Hey are you ok?” Yoongi asked hesitantly.

“I— uh… I—“ But none of that worked at the end of the day. His voice was too shaky and tears still continued to stream down his face. It didn’t take long for him to just completely break down right in front of them.

The two looked at each other concerned before running over to his side. “Jimin what happened?” Yoongi tried to ask in between the sobs. Whatever it was, it clearly got to him. They’ve never seen Jimin like this before.

The pair were unsure of how to exactly go about this, but they sat on top of the bar stools next to him and comforted him the best they could. Jungkook gently massaged his back and Yoongi somewhere in between called the others to tell them to come over for more reinforcement.

By the time Jimin was able to calm down just for a fraction of a second the rest of the group was here, all waiting for an explanation.

“You were right.” Jimin suddenly said, his head was on Taehyung’s lap, he had been gently stroking his hair.

“Jimin, please tell us what happened.” Namjoon said from the couch across from where he was sitting. Some of the guys had started tearing up as well, everyone was so anxious to find out what’s got him this upset.

“I nearly killed her.” This surely was a way to get everyone’s attention.

“Jimin what did you do…?” Yoongi asked, extremely concerned.

“She cut herself with a razor… I was this close to doing it.” He started getting choked up again.

The others started filling in the clues.

“Is this about y/n?” Seokjin finally asked. Tears started streaming down his face, letting everyone know that it was you.

“Ok, Jimin I’m sorry, but you’re gonna have to tell us exactly what happened. This is obviously hard for you, but I worry whatever happened might be an issue for the whole group.” Hoseok said seriously concerned.

Yes he knew that. It’s what made this whole situation even worse. Not only did he nearly harm you, but the other most important people in his life, he might have also put them at risk.

Jimin sat up knowing this was going to be a difficult conversation. “I don’t know what happened. I just got back from our meeting earlier, I was tired and hungry but I didn’t think it was that bad. The minute it happened… I—I couldn’t even think straight. Nothing happened but she saw me— the real me.”

There was some relief in the fact that no harm came to you. It’s not like they were close to you, only having met on a few occasions, but a body is the last thing that their group needs right now.

“I don’t want to be that person but I told you so—“ Yoongi started but a swift hit from Namjoon was enough to shut him up. Too late, enough was said, the damage was done.

“Jimin, it's not your fault. You’ve managed well after all these years, you know that it’s because of the drought,” Namjoon reassured. He was right in some ways, the drought putting you at great risk because of your relationship.

If it was as simple as that he would just try and stay away until the drought passes and they start getting regular shipments again. He would have done that before anything happened if it was that simple.

“But I haven’t. This is the first time something like this has happened, but I’ve wanted to do it long before that. I’ve thought about it, dreamt about it, and now it happened and I—...” He was getting emotional again. “The last thing I want to do is hurt her but I don’t know how long I could keep fitting my urges. It’s hurting me and even though she doesn’t know it, it’s hurting her.” The answer seemed so clear when he spoke it out like this, but his heart still ached at the thought.

“I don’t want this to happen again. She deserves someone who doesn’t think about her like I do.”

The boys were honestly a bit shocked at his revelation. When Jimin first announced the relationship to the group there was much opposition from everyone. Not just from the boys from within their group, but in the vampiric world word travels fast, especially when it concerns something like that. Despite all the warnings he got, Jimin persisted and moved past them all. He didn't care and even though the boys were worried, especially after he told them that he wasn’t going to tell you about who he really was. They were hesitant, but they saw how happy he was.

They could hardly go through one meeting before he was talking about you. It was a bit much, but the boys couldn’t deny he was in love. After a while, they honestly thought he was somehow going to make this work.

“What are you saying…?” Tae asked.

“I’m saying, after what happened today, as much as I want to be with her, I don’t think it’s safe to continue the relationship.” Everyone gasped with shock. He was already making it clear, but hearing him say it out loud made it real.

“You sure that’s what you want hyung?” Jungkook wondered, everyone wondered.

“No, not at all. But in order to keep her safe I have to.” Jimin was trying his best to stay strong. He tried to convince himself this is what’s best, but all he wanted to do was run back home to you.

Suddenly he remembered the ring that’s buried deep in his drawer. You wouldn’t have said yes anyway. He could have never asked you to make a commitment like that without knowing what he really was and seeing you after what happened… He was never going to hear from you again after that.

“So what’s next?”

Jimin thought about it. “I have to tell her, at least explain what happened, that’s only fair.”

“Yeah what if she thought you were possessed or something.” Another slap from Hoseok to Seokjin, the comment being a little too insensitive right now.

“Hopefully we make it through this drought and then I’ll do it.” It was a way of stalling. He could always text you, that’s honestly what he’ll probably have to do. But he didn't want to break up with you over text. He didn’t want to break up with you at all, this just gave him an excuse to delay the inevitable.

“That is, if we make it through this drought…” Jungkook sighed.

“You can stay with me if you want, until you get your stuff and you find a place.” Hoseok offered. Jimin silently thanked him before Namjoon started getting everyone’s attention.

“I rushed out of a meeting with other groups. It’s not looking good at all as far as when they think they’ll be able to send the next shipment out here…” He saw everyone’s faces drop at the news.

“The storms should be ending soon, but the issue is the shortage that’s happened because of it. They’re prioritizing bigger cities that have more Vampires, it doesn’t look like we’re going to be getting anything any time soon.”

“What are we going to do then?! Do they expect us to just wait?!!!” Hoseok asked. It’s not just Jimin who has been hungry, but everyone here has been suffering. They were already getting stretched thin, the rations they had weren’t enough to make it through the end of the week.

“Some of the more… out there groups plan on moving to humans. I have no idea when the next shipment might be coming so… in order to survive I suggest we think about it.” They were hardly alive as it is, but knowing Namjoon, the one who’s always been against the thought of going after humans, was considering the option made everything seem even more scary. They were really in desperate times.

“I know you guys know I normally hate that idea, but again, it might be our only option. Everyone here is already so hungry, after what we have runs out I don’t think we’ll be able to make it very long. We could wait but I’m worried that would put us in a bad place. Either we’re too weak to go out and get blood ourselves and we starve, or we end up going berserk, leading to possible casualties.”

“Isn’t what you’re saying also leading to casualties?”

“It might but at least right now we have a chance of not killing them. I don’t want to speak up for you guys because this is a personal decision, but I can’t bring myself to go after the humans. I don’t care how starved I am, I will wait. At the meeting they said there will be an update on the next locations of shipments in a few days. I’m crossing my fingers that we’re on the list.”

“If not…”

Namjoon just smiled. “Let’s not say that, but I will do what I must. If you guys want to, I won't stop you if you choose to go after a human. Desperate times come for desperate measures so I won’t judge and I hope no one else in this room does either.”

The rest of the members looked around at each other.

“If you’re choosing to wait then I can wait a little while longer…” Jungkook trailed off. It’s what everyone else agreed with. They will tough it out the best they can, but afterward they might just do what they have to.

Jimin though was silent throughout the conversation. It was just in the fact he made the decision to break up with you (he’s almost sure that’s what you would have said anyway), but unlike everyone else Jimin didn’t have the time like the rest of them did. It might just be in Jimin’s nature to be too caring than he knows he should be, but Jimin for the past week had given his rations to the rest of the members.

They would always be complaining about how hungry they were and he just couldn’t stand seeing them that way. He voluntarily gave up some of them in order to keep the others happy. They didn’t know that of course, he would always make the excuse that he was fine despite their protest. The conversation made him realize just how hungry he was. He had been stretching it thin for a while now… he might lose it if he doesn’t do something soon. Jimin had hoped that by now they would be getting their supply again, but his luck did not go in his favor.

Then again, he could always go after some human right after this meeting, but after today… Seeing the terror you experienced with his own eyes made the thought of going after anyone else despicable. He couldn’t do that..

After some time he made the plan. He couldn’t go after anyone else, not after today. He was going to wait like the rest of the boys but there was no until. He would wait until the end if he had to.

His mind drifted back to you. He couldn’t help but think about being with you right now. You were always there when things would get stressful. He was going to miss you…

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

The next few days were harder than he thought possible. He was fighting two battles at once. First the boys had reached their limit— their rations had run out the day before and everyone was starting to lose it. They had really stretched themselves thin with making it that far, they had been starving for weeks now, but at this point it was starting to become unbearable.

The boys made a pact not to leave their little hang out in the woods unless they needed to, scared what might happen if they went back into the city. It was scary, seeing those he was closest to go through this pain. It hurt him even more than what he was experiencing. By now some of the other guys started to get suspicious of his condition. All of them were displaying signs of malnutrition but Jimin looked 10x worse than the others. They had questioned him but Jimin shooed away their worries. He just hadn’t figured out a way to tell them yet.

If that wasn’t bad enough, you had started calling him. It started the day after the whole fiasco back at the apartment, but you were persistent and made it a point to call him a couple times each day. If he wasn’t in the situation he was in he would have picked up the very first time, he was shocked by the fact that you were calling him at all. Part of him was expecting you to tell him to get his stuff out of the apartment or something that was meant to show you were done with him, another reason he couldn’t bring himself to pick up the phone.

After a while you gave up calling and texted him.

[Jimin, please come over. We need to talk.]

Your text was a bit ominous but he was once again surprised you actually wanted to see him again. At first, knowing his condition, he was a bit hesitant to see you again. He might pounce you without the need to draw any blood this time. But as hours then a few days passed, he got to the point where he feared he wouldn’t be able to see you again.

He was weak— extremely. He wouldn’t be able to do anything even if he wanted to. At the very least he wanted to give you an explanation before he couldn’t anymore. So he texted you back one day and told you he was coming to the apartment later that day.

Jimin told the others where he was going, just in case… He couldn’t drive anymore but Hoseok still had enough strength to give him a ride. They both put on all the thickest coats, hats, and sunglasses they could find and started making their way there.

Normally the rumor about sunlight burning them was just that, a rumor, but a starving vampire was a different story. They were sensitive to everything, lights included. It wouldn’t necessarily kill them but it did hurt, a lot. They left later in the day, enough where the sun wasn’t shining as bright, but all the street lamps and neon lights of corner stores and restaurants weren’t on yet.

Luckily it was winter so no one would judge them too much.

It was much relief when they pulled up to your apartment building.

“You think you can make it up by yourself?” Hoseok asked as he parked.

Jimin nodded.

“Do you want me to wait out here for you?”

“No you’re fine… I’ll call you when I’m ready…” Jimin was about to push open the door when he felt Hoseok’s hand on his shoulder. He looked back to find a worried expression on his features.

“Are you fine though? I mean going back here, you’re not worried something might happen?”

Jimin smiled weakly. “Nothing will happen… I’ll make sure of it.”

He noticed he was still worried but he didn’t say anything as Jimin got out of the car.

“Thank you hyung.” Was the last thing he said before closing the door.

Jimin stared up at the apartment building, seeing the lights were on in your place. “Your place…” the words hurt to even just think. He couldn’t deny he was feeling mixed emotions being back here. In truth he was a bit worried about coming back when he’s like this. He was weak but a starving vampire will always find a way, even if they don’t want to…

That and you’re likely about to end the relationship and especially now, he wasn’t ready to handle that. Part of him honestly regretted coming back at all, but he couldn’t deny the other side was happy to see you again. He missed you.

Jimin had to climb the stairs, the elevator in your apartment down at the worst time possible. Jimin could hardly make it, he was out of breath by the time he made it halfway up the first flight. As he was sitting there trying to catch his breath an elderly couple started coming up the staircase. Jimin tried to quickly turn away, realizing he looked probably sketchy.

“Young man, are you alright?” The lady questioned, clearly concerned. He didn’t blame her.

Jimin just nodded. He could see them look at each other wearily before locking arms and passing him. They probably just came from dinner, a delicious smell wafting off as they passed by… or maybe he was just hungry.

“Should we call the police?”

“Honey, aren’t you being rash?!”

“Did you see him, what if he’s a burglar?!”

He heard the whispers continue as they trekked up the stairs. Great, now he’s got people thinking he’s some sort of criminal. He needed to get out of here… After many breaks, willpower, and thoughts about giving up, he somehow made it to the sixth floor without getting arrested.

He had to cling to the wall as he walked down the hallway toward the door. ‘612’ just like the night he was here last.

Out of habit he reached in his pocket for the keys, but even when he found them, he found himself bringing his hand out with nothing. Instead he just knocked. He was now a stranger in his own home.

‘It’s better this way…’ He tried to tell himself. It definitely didn’t feel like it.

It wasn’t long before he heard the locks being turned and your face popped out from behind the door. Immediately he regretted coming here, he couldn’t face you like this…

“Jimin?” You questioned, making him realize he was still wearing his cover up stuff, he even put on a mask before coming here.

“Yeah… it’s me.” You immediately could tell something was off.

“Are you ok? Don’t tell me it’s snowing again…” You turned around to the window, almost sure it was clear skies. As much as he wanted to talk to you, standing like this was becoming exhausting.

You immediately picked up on this. “Jimin, seriously what’s going…” You looked down the hall, making sure none of your neighbors were lingering outside. “I have so many questions.” You made sure to keep your voice down.

“Can—Can I sit down? I’m sorry, you probably don’t want me in there but—“ He didn’t even need to finish before you were wrapping an arm around him and guiding him over to the couch. Even in his state he was shocked you helped him.

You sat him down gently, now extremely concerned seeing he could hardly stand. You sat down on the chair beside it.

He noticed the distance.

“Jimin, please talk to me… what’s happening to you?”

Jimin stared at you. He could sense you were conflicted.

This wasn’t the way he wanted you to find out. He always knew he would need to tell you one day. Maybe he would have buttered you up, taken you to that fancy place you always wanted to go to. A couple of bottles of wine and he would slowly hint toward it before dropping the bomb on you. You would take it easy in the perfect scenario.

He had already told you most things that would come in the way of your relationship, mainly surrounding the big kids question. You were fine with it all when he gave you an answer at the time… in his perfect scenario when he told you the reasoning you would be understanding and despite the shock, would come to love him and realize he’s still the same guy before he told you.

It all worked out and you lived happily ever after.

In reality this went the worst possible direction he could have imagined. Before he considered the worst being, instead of accepting you would run in the other direction (a reality that he believed to be the likely outcome), but now here you are past what he considered rock bottom. He was dying, you were estranged (he’s almost sure), that mess that happened a few days ago. It was worse than what he could have imagined.

If you look at it on the bright side, it couldn’t get much worse than what it is now.

Jimin took off his hat, his sunglasses, mask, and gloves were next. The lights that were on in the apartment luckily were dim enough to not do too much damage, but the look on your face completely distracted him from any burning he felt.

You were shocked. When he took off his glasses you immediately noticed the dark circles around his eyes and with the mask gone, you could see how pale he had become. He hardly looked alive anymore.

You ignored your brain telling you to be cautious and moved over to the couch you had sat him on, your hands ghosted over his skin, eyes getting slightly teary seeing him in this state. He looked at you with pleading eyes as your hand caressed his cheek. He was so cold.

“Jimin… what…” You could hardly get it out. Even after what happened a few days ago, none of this seemed real.

“This isn’t how I wanted you to find out…” His voice was soft.

“Jimin…”

“I just want to say before everything… about the other day… I don’t think there are enough words I could say to apologize for what happened. There was a reason, but even that doesn’t seem to make up for the fact that it happened at all. I just want you to know I never ever wanted to hurt you.” He paid close attention to your facial expressions. He was a bit surprised to find your sympathetic gaze never faltered.

“Jimin, you still didn’t answer… I don’t understand… what’s happened to you?” You were growing increasingly worried in the fact he was avoiding the question.

This was the moment.

“I—... I… I’m a vampire.” Saying it out loud had his heart speeding up. He was waiting for you to laugh, or scream, or something… Instead you continued to look concerned.

“So I was right, huh…” You said absentmindedly, it was like the news didn’t shock you whatsoever.

“You’re not surprised?” He questioned, your reaction definitely not being what he expected.

“After what happened a few days ago, I did some research. I thought maybe that might be the answer… Did it happen recently? Is that what’s happening to you?” For some reason the fact that you weren’t horrified by the news made him feel strange, a loud reminder he shouldn’t be this close to you right now… It was starting to make him have those thoughts again.

“No… it’s not, and no… I’ve been this way long before you met me.” Now this was what it took to finally get you to react. Your eyes stared at him as he was sure you were processing this information in your head.

For some reason after your research you had come up with the whole story in your head. Your boyfriend had gotten jumped one night by vampires who bit him and he had hidden the fact from you because he didn’t want you worried. What happened a few days ago was the ‘big transformation’… This is what happens when you use wiki articles for the bases of your research, but you figured the sudden change was just him coming into fruition.

If that’s not what happened then…

“I have so many questions Jimin, but if you’re telling me that this wasn’t recent… that isn’t telling me what’s going on with you right now. I’ve never seen you like this.” You are getting even more worried now.

Jimin sighed, but gave you a weak smile. He really didn’t know how to tell you this.

“Usually… um usually I’m kept fed by a company. Because of the storms that have been happening, the people who would typically donate haven’t been able to… there’s a major shortage that’s happening. This has been happening for a few weeks now, I— um it’s the reason for what happened and also why I’m here now, why I look this way…”

You already knew the news wasn’t going to be good. His condition, the way he’s been avoiding this answer… You already knew.

“Jimin what’s happening…?” Your voice was stern, waiting for the bad news. You weren’t even fazed by any of the other information, too focused on the fact that you knew whatever he was going to say next wasn’t going to be good.

“It’s not looking good when the next shipment might be coming in. My group— my friends they’re hoping to wait it out, we’re hoping we might be next, but for me I... “ Jimin took a deep breath, this information was hard for him to digest as well.

“I don’t have much time left… “ He tried to smile but voice was weak. Your heart nearly stopped at his words. “I came by to apologize for what happened the last time I was here, but also to say goodbye.” You were crying now.

“There— There isn’t anything you could do?” You bawled.

Jimin hated seeing you like this, that look in your eye. All he could wonder was why you were so concerned. Didn’t you remember what happened? He was a monster who deserved this fate. It was his punishment for the dark thoughts that would echo in his mind long before he was deprived.

How could after all you’ve been through together, how could he think about that…Even now he couldn’t stop thinking about it.

Everytime he was buried deep inside you, your walls wrapped tightly around him. The pleasure would have him thinking about chasing for more. Sometimes your neck would be right there, it would be so easy to sink his teeth into you. In the moment, you, your warm body right next to his, he could hear your heart pounding, the blood rushing through your veins. Gosh, to say that the incident was the closest he had come from doing would be the biggest lie. Yes it was the first time he went all monster like that, but fuck.

The amount of times his fangs have popped out whenever you’ve had sex is embarrassing. You would think he had just been turned. It was embarrassing but he knew it was because it was you.

The first time he nearly exposed himself was your first time having sex together. You had just been making out, but your sweet perfume had his mind spirialing, the taste of you all he could think about as he kissed you harder. His fangs quickly started coming in, he had to make up some dumb excuse about needing to stop so he could run to the bathroom to calm himself down. That hardly worked, when he got back it was the first time he was inside you and almost as soon as he got inside they were back and he was staring at your neck the whole time.

Luckily he had it enough together that nothing happened but if anyone had been watching, Jimin looked like a crazed vampire ready to sink his teeth into his neck prey. But you were so much more than that…

He could never, no matter how much he wanted to. That was the problem, he wanted to. The last thing he wanted was for him to lose it and do something to you. That could never happen.

Maybe if he told you all this you wouldn’t be crying. You would see him as the monster he knew he was.

“Some are considering going after humans. After what happened a few days ago, I can’t bring myself to do it… I’d rather starve than hurt anyone.” It was true. He couldn’t put you through that and others weren’t an exception. As agonizing as he felt, he couldn’t make anyone else look at him that way again.

“What?!” Now you just seemed upset. “There’s a way to avoid this and you’re not taking it?”

This was even more surprising. “I’m shocked you still care? Don’t you remember what happened the other day?!” Jimin was also getting frustrated. You should be terrified of him, there is no sympathy for people like him. Cursed to live a life tiptoeing along the edge of life and death. Beings like him only bring despair on humanity, dragging them down into the abyss that is their world.

His harsh words had the tears streaming down your face and your eyes wide. “You’re shocked I care?” You got up from your seat on the couch and started pacing. He’s seen this look before, you were furious. After a few minutes of you trying to calm yourself down you turned toward him.

“Ok… ok… I admit, what happened a few days ago was scary. I was confused and then you just ran out the door. I debated about calling you, but…” You pointed to the pictures that lined the walls. “I couldn’t just throw away our 5 years together for something I didn’t understand. I wanted to talk to you, to understand what happened that day. 5 years Jimin. We’ve been together for 5 years, no matter what I’m not throwing that away.”

Jimin couldn’t even face you anymore, his own eyes now glazed over. “One day doesn’t erase 5 years, so yeah, I still care about you.” It was obvious it hurt you just from him thinking that was a possibility.

“I can’t fucking lose you Jimin…” Your gaze returned back to sympathetic, but your voice was still shaky. Your words nearly had his heart breaking into two.

He chuckled before turning away again. “You wouldn’t be saying that if you knew more…”

You sat back down on the couch. “Well tell me. Explain to me Park Jimin what could be so horrible about you that I shouldn’t be thinking you have a right to live—“

“I could have fucking killed you, you know?”

“But you didn’t—“

“But I could have— but I wanted to.” He looked at you, wanting the words to have an impact, they sure did on himself. It was true, it was all true.

“The woman I’ve spent the last 5 years with, who’s made me happier than I thought I could ever be in this miserable life— how could I think that about you?” The tears were finally spilling from his own eyes.

“Even now… I— I wanna taste you, I have no shame, don’t I?” He tried to laugh off but you saw the way his gaze traveled to your neck. His words had your heart speeding up.

“And… why didn’t you?” Your voice was soft.

Jimin lifted his hand so he cupped your jaw. You stared at his watery eyes as he moved his hand to lift up your chin.

“You would be so sweet. I knew that the first time we met. Something like that would be hard to stop, don’t you think?” His gaze fell back down to your throat.

“I couldn’t live with myself if I hurt you.” His heart was heavy and so was yours.

You wrapped your arms around Jimin, not caring about the consequence this could have. You didn’t care at all. Right now all you were focused on was the fact that Jimin had to go through this relationship with this heavy weight on his shoulders.

In an instant you regretted any fear you possessed before he walked through the door. At the end of the day this was still your Jimin.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

After he told you that you needed to take a break. This wasn’t at all what you pictured when he came over. You had just wanted answers to questions, but what you got was the news your boyfriend was dying and the fact that he was carrying this burden throughout your entire relationship. It was more than you bargained for.

The tears by now had dried but left your face red, puffy, and your face still noticeable damp. Your arms were wrapped tightly around Jimin, your face buried in his many layers of coats. The lights were now shut off, the curtains closed, the only light being provided by the few candles you lit up.

Jimin had told you about how lights burned when he was like this. He tried to joke about it and say that he was just baking a bit, but it backfired and only made you more worried.

But now, it was silent. You had so many thoughts and questions you were battling in your mind. You were worried, worried that this was really going to be it. It was one of the reasons he was still here.

You couldn’t let him go knowing that it would likely be the last time you ever saw him. The thought alone that these could be your final moments had your grip tight around him.

You couldn’t let him go. You just couldn’t say goodbye.

It hurt worse than you ever thought breaking up would feel like. It wasn’t like he was going to live his life with someone else, he was going to feel and experience without you, but it was the end of the road. There would be no chance of running into him on the streets, his arm around another woman, but you would never see him again.

No. No. No. You couldn’t—

“Y/n?” Jimin’s sweet voice cut through your spiraling thoughts. You looked up to realize you had started crying again, your eyes filled with tears.

His face fell realizing you were crying. His hand hastily came up to wipe your face.

“Please don’t cry, shit, this is for the best ok?” He tried to smile and reassure but his voice was shaky and even with only the dim light coming from the candles you could see his eyes were watery.

“No it’s not, how could you say that?” You sobbed.

“You know I love you, right?” He pulled you in closer.

“Jimi—“

“The conversation’s gotten so sad again… Ask me a question.” He tried to change the subject. You were still upset. “Cmon, I’m sure you have questions. Wasn’t that the whole reason you invited me over?”

“Yes, but why does any of that matter now?” You grumbled. It didn’t. Any answers you had would be useless without Jimin in your life.

“I don’t like seeing you this way. It’s too sad in here. It feels like I’m at my own funeral.” Another joke that just really wasn’t working in this situation. He realized that immediately when he felt the gentle slap on his arm.

“Cmoonnnn, ask me something~” He tried to plead but you never said anything. The truth is your mind had been drawing a blank of the mental list of questions you made since the minute he walked in. You forgot everything now.

“Alright I’ll start then.” Jimin finally said after the silence continued to pass.

“Seriously Jimin—”

“Question one that I knew you wanted to ask the minute I told you I’ve been this way since before the start of our relationship— What happened? Who turned you? Were you turned?” Jimin looked at you to see you were shocked. In truth he was right. You had forgotten, but you were curious what happened to him.

He was just happy to see you looked intrigued. Anything to take your mind off of what was happening.

“In truth nothing happened to me. No one turned me. I’ve been like this since I was born.” He smiled when he saw the look of shock on your face. It was definitely the right question to start with. You were in.

“Wait… what how?”

“Same as everything else in this world. My parents are vampires so… put two and two together you get a vampire me.”

“Wait ‘are’… Jimin, I thought you said your parents were dead?”

Jimin sighed realizing that was another lie in the relationship. “That’s not entirely true.”

Now you were even more intrigued.

“They’re still here, it’s just… I didn’t want to risk you asking to come over. They aren’t the most approving of our relationship and that puts you in danger. A house full of vampires isn’t exactly the wet dream twilight paints it to be.” You would have laughed at that if this was any other day.

“But yep, I don’t know what being human feels like. I never have. In some cases I consider myself lucky in the fact I don’t need to look back and say I’ve missed anything. This way of life is the only thing I know. I do get jealous sometimes, what it’d be like to not have to worry about hurting anyone or going haywire at the sight of the smallest drop of blood.” He was trying to smile but you tell this is something he would think about.

You hugged him tighter.

“Wait but… I thought you said you couldn’t have kids.” You asked to quickly change the subject.

“It’s still true. I just can’t have kids with you or humans for that matter. The pregnancy wouldn’t go right unless I turned you. I never want to do that…”

“What would happen?”

“It would most likely result in a stillbirth. I wouldn’t want to put you through that so it was just easier to explain I just can’t have kids.” The subject was tricky. It had been the reason for the first major fight in your relationship.

You had been put in charge of watching your sister’s kids for the day and Jimin saw the way you would light up when you were with them. In some other world he saw a future with kids of your own running around the place. You would be a great mother, he knew that.

It was after they left that Jimin finally told you about how he couldn’t have kids. You could tell it had been eating away at him because he started suggesting that you would be better off with someone else. Let’s just say that didn’t go over well, a big argument about how you didn’t care and Jimin said you would be better off with someone who could give you what you want.

But in the end Jimin was all you cared about, not a make believe future that you knew wasn’t possible.

“Uh anyway… next question. I know what you’re thinking. Does that mean you’re like a million years old?” He hastily changed the subject, silence had followed for two long as a result of both of you dwelling on the past.

“To that my answer is no, not even close. I’m the age you think I am. Truth be told, there's really no benefits to being a vampire. I’m not immortal, I might live slightly longer than what humans do, but you won’t find vampires that are like 500 years old or something. I don’t really have any special powers, besides being slightly faster and stronger than the average human. All in all, I wouldn’t necessarily say anything I can do would be labeled as supernatural, just slightly better than average.”

You nodded taking in the information.

“If we had more time we could have grown old together.” He said suddenly, another grave reminder of the limited time he had left. No you couldn’t do this.

“Jimin, I have a question.” You said and he turned to you eager to hear what you wanted to ask.

“Why do you need blood?”

“Ah yes, how could I forget that one.” He smiled trying to come back from that moment.

“Being a vampire is like living on borrowed time. It’s a disease, a curse. It’s like the world telling you, you shouldn’t exist. Blood gives us all we need to continue to live, the life force that we don’t produce on our own, blood from humans keeps us going. It’s not necessarily the blood we crave but the life that it brings with it. That’s why without it…” Jimin gestured to himself. “We start looking like we’re walking corpses.” Again, another ill tasted joke.

His words were beautiful and made you that much more sad realizing what he’s had to deal with.

“I only need the answer to one more question…” You asked as a tear rolled down your cheek.

“What’s that?”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner?” Your voice started to shake again.

Jimin’s face fell but his sweet smile returned quickly.

“Telling someone they’re a vampire doesn’t always go well. I wanted to tell you but the thought about losing you made it hard. I was in a bad place. I couldn’t tell you from the beginning because you would have probably ended the relationship before it hardly began, but then as time passed the thought about telling you and you leaving me after everything… I couldn’t. I was going to tell you someday but… yeah… I hope you understand.” He could hardly finish before you were planting a kiss on his lips, leaving him dumbstruck.

“I’ll always be with you. Don’t forget that ok…”

Jimin pulled you back in for a kiss, this one lasting a lot longer than the first. His hand came up to cup your cheek and before you knew it the tears were back.

He pulled away and rested his head onto yours.

“I love you…”

“I love you too…”

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

You had a plan. The answers came to you as soon as he fell asleep.

You couldn’t just sit here and do nothing. The thought of him leaving (he was insistent that he needed to leave) and you just sitting here and letting him die, that didn’t sit right at all with you.

You were going to do everything it takes to let him live. Everything it takes.

The answer was so clear you had to wiggle your way out of his grasp so you could close the door to your room and just laugh. It was you, you were the answer.

He didn’t want to hurt anyone else. You were going to let him do anything he needed to.

The answer was clear but you still ended up pondering if this was the right choice. Jimin had practically spent the whole evening trying to convince you how he was somehow not worth saving. Was this really the best option? In the fact that he wasn’t confident to go after other people, the fact he was adamant that if he tried anything it could result in something bad happening. This could end up being a suicide mission.

But at the end of the day that didn’t matter. He was still your boyfriend, vampire or not and you were going to do whatever it takes to make sure he lives a long and happy life. Even if that means at your own expense.

The issue then became how were you going to convince him to save himself when he was so adamant on just letting him die.

You were going to need to be persuasive and after 5 years together you knew the best ways to push his buttons to get him to do it.

You knew exactly what you were going to do. Hopefully it works the way you’re thinking it might, if not you were going to get a knife and do it yourself if you have to. You weren’t going to lose him, not today, not ever.

You had moved to the room in order to make sure you didn’t disturb him while he slept but also because you were starting to notice he was looking worse than when he came the day before. It hurt you too much to see him like that.

So when you heard shuffling outside you knew it was time to put your plan into action. It was now or never.

You came out to find him sitting up on the couch, obviously trying to scramble and find his stuff in the dark.

“Jimin, you’re up?” You asked hesitantly coming up behind him. You placed your hand on his shoulders making him turn around. You had changed your outfit— shorts and a simple sweater. Nothing out of the ordinary because you didn’t want to scare him away, but you knew he liked when you wore things like this. You didn’t miss the way his eyes trailed up your legs and landed on your gaze.

“I—I need to go…” He quickly turned back around to look for his stuff.

So long to gently moving into it. You went around the couch so you were facing him. Before you gave him much time to acknowledge the fact that you had moved, you quickly got on top of his lap.

His eyes trailed up to meet yours.

“Y/n… what are you doing?” His voice was soft. You could tell something was up.

“I don’t understand why you have to leave so soon. Can’t you stay longer?” You whined as you wrapped your arms around his neck. He looked panicked almost by your advances.

His hands came up to grab your hips. “Y/n please… get up I—” You turned to drastic measures not wanting to take any chances of you missing your opportunity. You pulled your sweater arm down so more of your neck and collarbone was exposed.

You saw his gaze lock onto your neck. A gaze you were oddly familiar with. You’ve seen this before, you knew it. Before you were unable to place it but now it was all so clear. You knew what he wanted.

“I’m not kidding y/n, you’re gonna make me—“

“I’m trying to save your life, that’s what I’m making you do.” You said softly, brushing his hair behind his ear.

Jimin changed his gaze to look you right in the eyes. He hated being as weak as he was right now. Here you were offering yourself on a silver platter and as tempting as he was, he couldn’t do that to you.

“Cmon, I know you thought about it. I’ve seen that look in your eye before. You told me too, remember? You told me how sweet I’d taste.” You felt his grip on your waist tighten.

“Y/n…”

“Please… it’s alright, you can have a taste~” You tried pushing him closer to your neck, but he resisted.

“I can’t… don’t wanna hurt you— I—“ His eyes were back on your neck. You were getting to him.

“Jimin.” You cupped your hands around his face. “I trust you.”

“Y/n you shouldn’t—“

“I trust you ok. Whatever happens, happens alright? I’m not going to sit here and let you die. You’re gonna live.” You looked him right in the eyes.

Silence passed for a little while longer before you saw a tear roll down his cheek.

“You’re running out of time. Run please… get far away from me…” He pleaded. You didn’t move whatsoever.

“I’m not leaving you. Not now, not ever. I love you too much to walk away. I’m fine with whatever happens, I trust you.” You kissed his cheek and slowly made your way to his lips. You felt his hesitancy, but it didn’t take long before he was kissing you back. Hard. He was urgent. Hands quickly coming up and gentle groping following soon after. It made your head spin. It had been so long you nearly forgot how every time you’d kiss like this you would be knocked off your feet.

You also didn’t expect when he pulled you closer for something to be nudging your thigh. You broke the kiss and was surprised when he looked at you. His eyes were the same red from that day, before he blinked and they returned back to the usual chocolate brown you were used to.

Whatever you were doing was working, not the way you intended but it was working.

You smirked. “So this gets you off, huh?” You began to rock your hips slowly, you got an immediate reaction. This just gave you more to work with.

“Fuck, what are you doing?! I’m not kidding.” His words were telling you one thing but his grip around your waist had you pushing to continue.

In truth, your plan had already started working even before you were aware of it. All night his dreams were plagued with thoughts about you. Last night, when you kissed him, how much he wanted to move to your neck and take the blood he craved. In his dream he did, he did that and a lot more.

He was hoping to leave without you noticing because he didn’t think he could say goodbye but it was also in the fact he feared what would happen if he did see you. He was at a point now where he hardly had any self control left. He was scared, scared he might do something he would regret and here comes you…

You didn’t say anything and picked up your pace slightly.

“Y/n seriously… I…” You got him. You saw the way his gaze fell to your neck. Now here’s where you start putting things into motion.

“Did you imagine this, me offering myself to you like this?” You said softly. The thought alone had Jimin’s head falling back, trying to control every urge he had to jump you right now.

“You don’t know what you’re doing.”

“You did, didn’t you?” Jimin couldn’t even look at you anymore. If this was any other time he would have easily thrown you off him and gotten the hell out of here. This wasn’t any other day though, he was weak and it didn’t matter how much he knew it was wrong, you were right. He had been thinking about this for a long time.

Jimin nearly lost it when you started peppering kisses along his neck, you stopped and sucked lightly at the spot you knew was sensitive. He could have cried with how good it felt.

“Just think about it, now’s your opportunity. Do it Jimin, it’s ok.” You said in between kisses.

“I—I don’t wanna hurt you…” He pleaded.

“Just think about how sweet I’d taste, didn’t you tell me that? Fuck, come on, please want you baby.” Jimin groaned. He could have cum from just that alone, he almost did with how badly he wanted to taste you…

“You would taste so good…” He was delirious at this point. You were pushing him past reasoning. He couldn’t think straight anymore.

He stared at your skin, right there. He always imagined sinking his teeth right in that spot between your shoulder and your neck. Fuck, you would taste so good.

He started bucking up into your heat. The friction you had you both moaning out.

He could sense it. Your heart speeding up, the sound of the blood rushing through your body.

“That’s it… cmon, just a taste~” You whispered.

“Y/n run please, fuck get out of here.” He pleaded one last time, but you had made yourself clear, you weren’t letting him leave without putting up a fight.

You sucked harder on that spot you knew got to him. “Please Jimin, want you to taste me. Fuck please do it…” And that was all it took.

Before you knew it suddenly he was picking you up and running toward your bedroom. Couldn’t he hardly stand yesterday?

He threw you on the bed. You could just barely see his eyes had returned to that dark red again.

He climbed on slowly. “Should have fucking listened to me. Should have left when you had the chance.” His gaze had changed. No longer did he look panicked, no this was something different entirely.

“I really don’t want to hurt you, but fuck… need to taste you…” Was the last thing he said before he was ripping your clothes off your body. Not metaphorically, your sweater, shorts, and underwear were in shreds in a matter of seconds.

What have you gotten yourself into?

You were slightly worried. More of a natural human response than you being actually worried. You knew you were doing the right thing but it was a bit worrisome coming into it. He had warned you so much, he had told you to run away, was this really going to end happily ever after?

All that matters is that Jimin’s ok. Nothing else did right now.

He climbed on top of you, his eyes scanning over your body. He was clearly conflicted about proceeding. You didn’t want to give him any time to turn back and you pulled him close into another kiss.

His hands got to work feeling you all over. It’s been so long, so long since he’s been with you like this. He couldn’t do anything before in fear he might do something he’d regret, now look where he is.

He couldn’t think anymore, your body and the red that was passing through your veins his only guide.

“I don’t wanna hurt you…” He said out loud, more to remind himself about who he was with. This was you— gotta stay in control.

“It’s ok…” You sighed reaching for the hem of his shirt to pull over his head.

“Thought about doing this for so long—“ He helped you, his shirt gone in a matter of seconds.

“Y/n I swear, I don’t know whether to kiss you all over or call you stupid.” You giggled at the latter.

“I don’t mind if you do both~” You smiled and he groaned as he pushed himself into you. “Of course you would…” he sighed. What was he gonna do with you..?

“You’re so dumb but I love you… don’t forget that ok.” You couldn’t help but laugh. “I love you too~” The words of sentiment were starting to get to him. In truth, he was only moving this slow to give you every opportunity he could for you to run. But having you like this underneath him had his instincts kicking in.

“Mmmm hate you too, hate you for being dumb, hate that I love you for being dumb.” Jimin pouted. Why couldn’t you just run? You were too nice…

“That’s why you love me~ Aren’t you usually the smart one Dr. Park, it’s our whole dynamic right?” You teased. You knew what bringing his credentials in the bedroom meant. “Someone’s gotta be the dumb one here— look I’m saving your life because of it.” His gaze had locked onto yours as you spoke. It’s like you were trying to get under his skin.

It was working.

“I’m sure you would do the same if the roles were reversed, so I don’t think I’m the only dumb one here.” You didn’t even question it. You knew exactly if your lives had flip flopped Jimin would be here doing the exact same thing. It’s why you knew you had to do this.

His eyes grew a brighter shade of red.

“I love you…” Jimin confessed, the emotions coursing through him only able to be summed up into those three words.

“I love you too~”

“How am I ever going to make this up to you…” He sighed.

“I don’t know, maybe first replacing the clothes you just ripped into shreds. Seriously, like when did you suddenly get all this energy? You could hardly stand yesterday.” You chuckled.

Jimin smiled. “A hungry vampire always finds a way, and I promise. I’ll get you anything you want, I’m sorry.” Your enthusiasm on the fact you believe you’re just gonna walk away from this alright made a sense of hope begin to surface, but also made him that much more terrified. He couldn’t disappoint you. No matter how good you taste he needs to make sure to control himself. No harm will come if he can just do that. Take just enough to make it until the next shipment can arrive. It’s fine, he’ll be fine and you’ll be fine.

His gaze went back to your neck and he could feel his body pushing him to go for it. “Aren’t you gonna go for it?” You asked, realizing where he was looking at.

“Wanna fuck you first…” He sighed, kissing you on the cheek. You were confused.

“I thought we were in a— ohhhhh I forgot that this shit turns you on.”

Jimin sat up and started tugging down his pants. “Very…” he nearly whined.

“Tryna live out your fantasy, huh?”

“You have no idea… thought about this so much.” He gently started kissing down your body. “Is this what you imagined?” You asked, curiosity getting the best of you.

“Not exactly.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I wasn’t dying first of all.” You both laughed. “I would wanna take my time with you. Taste you all over, be close to you, make you mine.” His breath was getting labored just thinking about it. “I’m sorry this isn’t really what I wanted, trying to not move too fast but I uh—“ You had a clock, you understood.

“It’s ok, do what you can~” You reassured. He came back up to kiss you, you smiled and your eyes fluttered closed as his hand started to trail down your body, stopping when he reached your folds.

You nearly lost it when you felt his fingers circling your bud. Oh fuck, you were already soaked. “Is this getting to you too?” He asked and you just whined as he sped up the pace slightly.

All of this was going straight downstairs, seeing you a mess like this had him desperate to finally taste you. Oh he was so close.

He used two fingers and pushed them inside. The minute he did that he felt his whole body react.

You could have cried. He was always so skilled, but something felt different this time. You looked down at him to see him trying to turn away, but you saw it. The fangs poking out.

The last time you remembered seeing them was a completely different experience. You were scared, he was charging at you, they looked a lot more intimidating in your memory. Then again, though he hadn’t opened his mouth very wide, but it eased you to think that they was almost cute in a way~

Jimin just watched you fall apart on his fingers. If he had more willpower he would have made sure to take his time and taste— fuck if he could taste you… But with unsurprising speed at this point, his fangs were out and he was more focused on tasting something else at the moment.

He was so close to losing it, another reason he needed to go slow. He didn’t want a repeat of what happened a few days ago, if that were to happen he would have no chance of making sure you were ok. If he takes it slow he can make sure he’s aware enough to not go too far.

“Oh shi— Jimin please…” You whined. He felt you clench around his fingers and that was the last straw. He couldn’t do this anymore.

He hastily pulled out and moved in between your thighs.

“I wish I could go slower with this but—“ He pressed himself into you, making you moan out. “No, it’s ok. Best to keep it moving…” you responded breathlessly.

He nodded, his attention now going straight to your neck.

Some may ask why the neck is always the spot to go for when a vampire is going after a human, there are so many other parts of the body that would be better. Jimin honestly didn’t have a clue until he met you.

It was intimate. The same sort of intimacy that looking someone in the eyes brings. The connection that it brought was something on another level Jimin had always been told. He had never done this before.

He man’s well be freshly turned by his lack of experience going into this. It made things even more worrisome. What if he wasn’t able to control himself?

But your endless teasing put him in a place unable to fight his craving any longer.

It was too late to turn back now.

“Can’t wait to taste you…” he sighed as he teased his length between your folds. You both whimpered at the feeling, all too excited for him to fill you up.

“Jimin please…” was all you needed to say before he couldn’t take it anymore and pushed himself inside.

Jimin welcomed the feeling your walls wrapped around him, the warmth, your body pulled close to his— it was everything. You were his everything, so beautiful, ready and willing to do anything he wanted.

You were so stupid. So fucking stupid.

You looked him straight in the eyes as he buried himself deeper and deeper, eventually making it in all the way. Jimin had to take a few breaths and wait a second, he could already feel himself slipping and he had barely started.

In a haste to distract himself, he reached over to the nightstand and turned on the lights. The burning back with even greater force thus time, but anything to keep him calm. He also just wanted to see you better. See you fall apart on his cock. You always take him so well, finally getting to taste you, oh just imagine.

On the outside you could see he was struggling, his eyes going from various shades of red as he stared down at you. You took this as an opportunity to run your fingers lightly over his lips. He knew what you wanted.

He opened his mouth slightly, quickly revealing the fangs that had taken the place of both sets of his canines. You examined further, pushing his lip up slightly to get a better look. They were a little longer than what you saw earlier, definitely a few inches in length at least, coming to a fine, sharp point at the tip. Oddly enough though you thought they suited him. It was like you were seeing him properly for the first time in the 5 years of your relationship.

It made you wish even more that he told you sooner.

“Are you scared?” Jimin asked softly once you pulled away. Despite the reds flashing in his eyes, he still held that same concerned look for you that he’s given you since day 1. You nearly fell in love with him all over again.

“A bit, but I like seeing you like this. Finally feels like there’s no more secrets between us.” You smiled. And you saying that was what almost got him to fall in love with you all over again.

You were honest. He knew your heart was beating like crazy, he didn’t need to ask but he wanted to check in. Hearing you say that you liked it though was what really got him. For so long he feared what you might say if you discovered the darker parts of himself. Here you were, pretty much staring in the face of death and you were still saying you liked it after this whole mess.

His instincts, this being a terrible time for heartfelt confessions, started manipulating his love and adoration into pure lust. He wanted your body and the life coursing inside.

He wanted to taste you— no, needed to taste you.

“Fuck… this isn’t going to last long at all… jagi, please relax. I love you.” He tried to smile but your neck was right there, taunting him almost.

You’re gonna taste so good.

You nodded and with that Jimin started gliding his hips, a expermtial pace set at first, giving you some time to get adjusted and Jimin to calm down. He marveled at the way your face scrunched up in pleasure as he began to increase his pace, you looked so beautiful like this.

“Always take my cock so well… Does it feel good?” He praised, the pleasure starting to get to him as well.

“Always fill me up so nice…” You did as he asked. He wants to hear it.

With each stroke the more that animalistic side of him trained onto your neck, your blood, your heart. So much life and he wants it all. You’re gonna taste so good.

The pretty sounds that would escape your lips, so soft, so delicate. Fuck, how were you his? A monster like himself didn’t deserve such an angel. Despite all of that here you were, offering yourself to him, you were his and his alone.

He wanted to mark you, make sure everyone around knew that fact. He hated rushing but his desires had priorities.

He was so close.

The closer he got the more his craving seemed to worsen. It became harder to keep his goal in mind. Just enough, take just enough. He said it over and over to himself but…

You seemed to notice the internal struggle to keep it together and you just pulled him closer, wrapping your arms around his neck and pushing him down to rest right where your neck was.

“It’s ok, it’s ok. Please Jimin…” you moaned. He picked up his pace. You knew he was close.

This new angle was his last straw. So close, trained onto your warmth, the blood flowing through your veins.

His pace faltered.

“Y/n I— I’m sorry…” He hurried, knowing he couldn’t hold back anymore. He saw red.

“I’m so sorry— so sorry I—“

You felt it, his teeth sinking into your skin.

It’s like the world came to a standstill. You cried out at the surprising pleasure that seemed to course through your body and Jimin… what he had pictured all along what this moment would be little seemed too offensive to compare.

He came right in that moment. The taste of your blood being the last thing to push him over the edge. So sweet, so sweet, it was nothing he could have prepared for, that combined with the ecstasy of his orgasm created a concoction of pleasure unlike anything that should be possible.

His parents were right. It was different.

They were some of the few vampires who’ve actually gotten to feed straight from a human. He remembered his dad would always complain about the donations from the company not being the same. The way they described it fueled his fantasy of what it would be like for his entire life. What he had pictured was nothing…

The warmth, the life— so addicting.

His hips moved again, a gentle slow pace being maintained. It was enough for how sensitive he was. He was going to cum again at this point.

Your body, you, he couldn’t have prepared for this.

The more he tasted the more he didn’t want it to end. He wanted to lose himself, lose himself in your body, taste you on his tongue for eternity.

His focus faltered, your soft sighs of pleasure getting quieter and quieter with each second. Despite that you continued to run your hands across his skin, up his back and into his hair.

It was just so good. You were so good.

Just a little longer, he needed more. He can’t let this end he can’t. He couldn’t, he didn't want to. So good, so fucking good. Jimin needed more, it was never enough. Wanted to taste you, everywhere. He’s dreamt about sinking his teeth into your thighs after he was done eating you out. It was sinful to think about there being a next time.

Jimin could feel himself slipping, the slight bit of composure he was able to keep was going faster than he could have imagined. He thought about it, giving into the demon that was tempting him to not stop, to enjoy the life you brought him for as long as possible. It seemed so nice, tasted so nice.

Fuck, he came again.

He didn’t want this to end. Never, he was sure you’d think the same. Part of him was tempted to ask you if that would be fine, but even a second apart from your neck seemed like torture.

He just enjoyed the way you continued to—

Hold up.

By now your hands had fallen to your sides, an eerie stillness about you. Jimin started coming back, the blood thirsty side of him subsiding enough for him to pry himself away.

4 little marks were on your neck and they continued to seep with blood. He couldn’t resist and licked across your skin.

So sweet, so sweet and all for him.

But when the little wounds stopped bleeding, he started coming back even more. Why hadn’t you said anything yet?

“Y/n?” His voice was already starting to come back.

He stared at your face. You were so pretty, pretty face, pretty lips, pretty nose, pretty lashes. Fuck, he loved you. Why weren’t you saying anything?

He felt his stomach drop as the worst of the worse came to mind. No, no, he couldn’t have—

He cupped your cheeks with his hands. Since when did you get this pale?!

“Y/n, y/n fuck please please please wake up!!” Jimin shook you. He could already feel the tears threatening to spill over. You couldn’t even imagine his relief when you hummed softly, your eyes struggling to open.

Jimin just pulled you into his embrace. You were alive, alive but it was obvious he went too far.

“I thought I—“ He sobbed, stroking your hair.

“Don’t cry, it’s ok~” You were quiet and it had Jimin instantly feeling 10x worse knowing he did this to you. “Think I started dozing off there…” You tried to say but Jimin was still a doctor and knew he had gone too far.

Now that you were awake and he could pay more attention to your other symptoms it made it that much more obvious. Shallow breath, quickened heart rate, pale, cold skin— he had probably taken between 15% to 25% of your blood and he knew that was far beyond a concerning amount.

Tears started pouring again as he assessed. All you could focus on was what was happening before your eyes. You watched yourself as the color began to come back to Jimin’s skin. He wasn’t that pale gray, sickly color like before, but his cute pink cheeks were coming back with each passing second.

You were so happy. He was going to be ok.

Your eyes began to flutter close again and Jimin started to panic. “Y/n!! Stay with me please!” He cried and you chuckled lightly.

“Don’t be such a drama queen, I’m fine, just a bit tired is all…” You smiled.

“Do I need to remind you I’m a doctor? I see this type of stuff everyday and I can say with full confidence that you’re not fine!” Even in a moment like this you can still joke around. Normally he would love your spirit, but knowing that this was all because of him made your playful banter infuriating right now.

Your eyes fluttered open for a second to see his concerned face peering down at you. You noticed the redness that stained his face, you could see it covered his fangs as well.

“You— You need help y/n…”

You shook your head. “How would we explain this to anybody? It’s fine, I’ll be fine.”

You were right. If he took you to a hospital nearby they would definitely start asking some questions about what happened, leading to some bad conclusions that would be assumed. He couldn’t exactly explain what actually happened either…

The best option would be to treat you here. He had a friend who could get him the things he needed…

Jimin quickly hopped off the bed and grabbed his phone.

“I’ll be right back, I have to call someone.” And so he called and explained exactly what happened. Lucky for him he knew another Vampiric Doctor, who he knew he could count on to get him all the supplies he needed.

When Jimin came back, he was happy to still find you awake and looking at him.

“That was Dusik, he’s gonna be here soon with everything.” Jimin said taking a seat next to you on the bed.

“Is he…?” You questioned, Jimin nodded already knowing what you were going to ask.

Silence fell over the both of you, the events of what just happened trying to settle in.

“I’m happy to see you’re doing well again. I could see it, the life coming back to you. Made this all worth it.” You smiled, but your words did nothing to stop the guilt that just seemed to get worse and worse.

You noticed the torment that was going on in his mind. You scooted down a little and grabbed his arm. “Stop sulking, this is a happy ending isn’t it? I’m not dead, you’re back in tip top shape.”

Tears pricked his vision. He turned to you. “Stop fucking doing that. It’s not a happy ending, I almost killed you.”

You just pouted at his outburst. “I don’t know, it was kinda hot to me…”

“Y/n please take this seriously! I knew you were scared!!” His face was red, tears running down his face.

His parents had always told him that the blood was different when fear was added into the mix. Jimin knew the minute he bit into you that you were scared, he knew beforehand that you were nervous. In his bloodthirsty state, he hadn’t cared whatsoever, if anything it made the experience even better. It added another component of something he would never be able to get from the donations from the company. It was different, but tasted better than anything he had ever had.

He really was a monster.

Jimin had felt that way since he was young, despite his parents encouraging him to be proud of who he was, all he saw was the hurt that his life brought. It’s the reason he became a doctor in the first place. He thought it would be a way to repay the world for his existence.

Here he was now, the love of his life barely conscious, because of him.

“That doesn’t matter anymore, you’re ok now.” You tried to reassure.

That’s the thing… he wasn’t.

“Y/n… I don’t think we should do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore.” He finally said it. This was the last thing he wanted to happen, but after today, what happened just proved his point further.

In the corner of his eye he could see the distraught look on your face.

“Jimin, wait you— you can’t say that.” You tried to get up, but the dizziness was too much. “No please, you’re not serious right…”

“I don’t want it either but I can’t keep hurting you—“ the doorbell rang. It was probably Dusik. Jimin hopped up and nearly walked out realizing he was still in fact very naked.

He scrambled to find his sweatpants and shirt, hastily putting them on and meeting him at the door.

Jimin saw his friend’s smile fall when he saw him.

“Woah… are things ok?” He asked. Jimin forgot that his face was covered with tears and a little blood, leading him to hastily wipe his face. It didn’t help much.

“I um… not really but you know….” He reached out for the bag. Dusik pulled it back.

“Let me help you set this up, the quicker the better right?” He smiled. Jimin opened the door further and led him inside.

He hastily went down the hall to shut the door, realizing you were also still very much so naked. He saw you had curled yourself in a ball, but your eyes still met his as he shut the door. He could see the sadness and all he could think was how much pain he’s caused you.

Like Dusik said, it was quicker with both of them. He stayed to help set up the IV stand and Jimin said he could handle the rest as far as the treatment goes.

He got you on some fluids and stored the blood he brought in case transfusions were needed. For now that was all he could do, he just hoped that would be enough.

He was sitting in a chair he brought to your beside. You still hadn’t spoken to him since he left. The silence hurt, he wanted you to understand that this was for the best. He already told you that once he made sure you were doing ok, that he planned to leave.

You turned away the minute he mentioned it.

“I love you… I’ll never stop loving you. I’ll eternally be grateful to you for what you did. I just don’t wanna take anymore chances of something like this happening again, or worse even. I can’t lose you, and definitely not because of me.” He tried to tell you.

At first he thought maybe you’d gone to sleep by now, or maybe was still just trying to ignore him, but eventually you turned your head to face him. He could see your teary eyes and the sadness that seemed to cloud over you.

“I don’t understand why we couldn’t figure this out together. You just decided yourself that it was better for you to leave. You probably wanted to leave long before any of this happened…” You were upset and hurt, you didn’t mean it whatsoever, you knew Jimin would stay if he could find a way around this. Just the thought of his leaving clouded your rational thinking with anger.

It was obvious your words got to Jimin.

“Don’t fucking say that, you know that’s not true!” Jimin got up and went into his sock drawer and pulled out a little black box. He sat back down and opened it to reveal a ring. “I was going to marry you! The only reason I hadn’t proposed was because I couldn’t without you knowing this side of me. I never wanted to leave you… I would rather be apart and know you’re safe from me than together where something could happen one day. Don’t ever say that again…” He saw your eyes widen and was trained on the ring.

“Jimin…” You whispered, your eyes welling up all over again.

Distracting from the moment was Jimin’s phone ringing. He would have ignored it normally, but it was Hoseok and it all came back to him that the boys were still suffering back at the hangout. He hadn’t even called last night to let them know he was staying over.

He sighed and answered the phone.

“Jimin?” He heard his friend say.

“Yeah it’s me… so sorry I didn’t call.”

“You’re fine, we were starting to get worried that something did happen.”

Jimin sighed.

“Something did happen.” And so he explained that he hadn’t much time left and you had basically handed yourself over when you knew this.

“I wouldn’t have done it if I had the control I normally did, but it happened. She’s fine for the most part, but I took too much. I got her on some fluids and I’m hoping that’s all she’ll need, but I’m ready for transfusions if necessary.” He explained so he could picture it better.

“I feel terrible…” He sobbed, the emotions getting to him.

“Hey… at least you’re both ok… Why were you giving away your rations?! You wouldn’t have gotten to that point if you hadn’t!” Hoseok scolded.

“You’re right hyung… I’m sorry.” Jimin apologized. “How is everyone doing though?” He tried changing the subject. He noticed he still sounded weak, meaning they hadn’t gone after anyone yet.

“It was one of the reasons I called you. Namjoon just heard there’s a truck headed our way soon. We should get a small supply tomorrow, enough to hold us over for a week before they start bringing bigger shipments again.” Jimin stared at the wall, the news coming as a surprise.

Truth is, he likely wouldn’t have made it that long. He had one day left at most. It still was a bit funny realizing the irony.

“I’m glad…” He smiled, realizing the others were going to be ok.

“Well, I’ll probably be here a few more days before I head back over. Wanna make sure she’s ok…” Jimin explained the plan. He hoped he knew what he meant by that, already having explained his plan.

“Alright… see you in a few days then. For the record I think you’re making a mistake.”

“Bye hyung.” And with that he hung up.

You were still looking at him, likely trying to piece apart the conversation he had. But instead, he got up and crawled in bed with you. He pulled you close and cuddled you.

You didn’t say anything and he didn’t either. You both just enjoyed each other’s presence while you still could.

He was really going to miss you.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

It was a few days later when you woke up to find your apartment emptier than usual. You went through it all and found he had taken almost everything. The only thing that showed Jimin had lived here at all was the countless pictures of you two together that still were scoured around the place.

He hadn’t even said goodbye the night before. He just told you that you should be fine and came into bed with you later.

You knew the fact that he was only staying because he wanted to make sure you were ok and he planned to leave right after, but just finding everything empty like that was more painful than anything you could have imagined.

Part of you hoped he’d change his mind about leaving, but he said what he said and meant it. He was gone.

There were some days you thought you should go to the hospital to visit him, but even on the days where you stood right outside the place he worked you couldn’t bring yourself to go in. If he wanted to try again he knew where you lived, the fact that he wouldn’t answer your texts either meant he wanted to put some distance between you two.

The days never got easier with him not being by your side. After 5 years of being together and 3 years living together, you had forgotten what it was like to not have him around. Sometimes you’d wake up in the mornings expecting to find him sleeping right beside you, sometimes you’d make way too much food for yourself, and others you would look at the clock anxiously waiting for him to come back home from his job.

Each time you’d be reminded that he had left. It was just you now.

One day in particular you got especially emotional, that you had to leave to take a walk. You couldn’t be at the apartment so you just wandered the streets in hopes of clearing your mind.

You didn’t stop until you realized you ran into the coffee shop. Not a coffee shop, the coffee shop. It was where you and Jimin had first met. It was on the other side of town and you didn’t visit it as much after you moved, but at the time you lived over here and so did Jimin.

He was completing his residency at a hospital nearby and you worked at a company not too far away as well. This just so happened to be both of your favorite spots to go in the mornings. It started when he was in line in front of you, he had been taking way too long to order that day and you were already running late to get to work.

You had been planning to yell at him to hurry up but the minute you tapped his shoulder and he turned around, well, you were knocked off your feet. Let’s just say you were very late that day. After that you started noticing him a lot more around here and one day he came to join you at your table.

One conversation was all it took for you to get hooked, and he’s been in your heart ever since.

You stared at the neon blue sign, beaconing passerbyers to come and visit ‘The Coffee Shop.’ It was a generic name, and to be honest they had mediocre coffee. But this place was special to you still nonetheless.

You pushed open the doors, the warmth from the cold winter air hit you and the smell of freshly brewed coffee came to you immediately. You stopped yourself from crying at the memories. This place hadn’t changed at all.

You made the quick decision to stay, a cup of coffee might be what you needed to calm yourself down. You were quick to order and you got your coffee soon after, there weren’t many people here today.

You made your way through the shop, trying to make it to what used to be your usual spot, right by the window. It was in the back so no one ever seemed to take your spot, that was until today. Right in front of you was the man you knew all too well, his fluffy brown hoodie being an immediate indicator that this was him. You used to love it when he wore it, always saying it made him look like a cute little bear. It was Jimin.

You walked up slowly, scared that this might be your mind playing tricks on you, but as you took a seat and he looked up at you, you finally knew that this was here. Somehow of all days you managed to find him here all over again.

“Jimin?” You questioned, your voice already starting to betray you.

He looked around confused for a second. “Wait, how did you end up here?”

You just smiled. “I think it was fate. Stopped here because it was our place but I don’t know, just somehow ended up finding my way here.” He smiled too at the coincidence, but that smile was quick to fall.

“I’ve been coming here every week… It reminded me of old times.” His smile held pain and part of you was a little happy to see that this wasn’t easy for him either.

“You didn’t even say goodbye… You didn’t call, you didn’t text.” You started.

“I know and I’m sorry. I couldn’t say goodbye, it was too hard. I thought about reaching out again, but that hurt too… I’m sorry this has been so drastic.” He tried to apologize, but you didn’t really care anymore. The past was in the past and he was right in front of you now.

“I missed you.” You nearly sobbed. You had to remind yourself a couple times that you were in a public space. But you hadn't seen him for a good 2 months.

Jimin looked up, now seeing his eyes started getting watery as well. “I missed you more…” He took his hands out of his pocket to reveal the little black box that he had showed you a few months ago. That was all it took for the tears to start rolling down your face.

He opened it to reveal the ring was still in there. “I’ve been staring at this everyday, thinking about what it would have looked like on your finger.” He smiled at the thought. You didn’t think twice and reached for it, pushing it on your finger.

At this point you were full on bawling now.

“Jimin… I seriously don’t think leaving was the right idea.” You tried to say, but your tears were getting in the way. At this point you were getting a few concerned glances from the other customers.

“I think we could have made it work.” You glanced up to find him staring at the ring, tears now spilling from Jimin as well.

“I— I’m starting to think it wasn’t a good idea as well… I wanted to keep you safe but it feels worse not seeing you everyday.”

“Then come back! Come back home, please, we can figure this out together.” You pleaded. Jimin looked up and your sorrowful expression nearly broke him to pieces.

“But how.. I don’t know how to make this work���”

“We don’t need to come up with a solution today, or tomorrow, or the next. Let’s just enjoy each other. I’m sure a better solution will come eventually.” You smiled and grabbed his hand.

“What if something happens…” You could tell he was just trying to be cautious, but his pessimism was starting to make you upset.

“Stop the negativity, we’ll figure it out ok.” You smiled. You got up from your chair, grabbed your coffee, and held out your hand.

“Walk with me.” Jimin didn’t know what he was doing, but he took your hand despite his brain telling him this was a bad idea. No idea in this case was a good one. At least he can be together with you if he goes.

You both started making your way back to the apartment, arms locked like it was old times.

“We’ll talk about this more when we get back, and I don’t know, maybe we can try a repeat of last time.” You laughed when you saw his eyes widen and his face flush.

“It’s not funny!” He pouted and you couldn’t resist the urge to kiss his cheek.

“I’m not kidding! Like I know I was getting close to death’s door but I’ve never had sex like that in my life. Probably the hottest shit I’ve experienced. I wouldn’t mind doing it again one day~” You playfully wiggled your eyebrows and he just smirked and turned away.

“You really gotta be some type of freak to think that was hot.” He laughed.

“Who said I wasn’t, plus this is a lot coming from Mr. telling me that day that it was his fantasy.” You teased and he playfully pushed you away, making the both of you laugh.

“I missed this…” You sighed, grabbing hold of his arm again.

“I missed you.” He responded, making you blush. It was then he noticed the fact you were still wearing the ring. You seemed to pick up on this.

“Were you still—”

“Yep.” You smiled and pulled him closer. He just smiled. It was the same feeling he felt when all the vampires would tell him a relationship with a human wasn’t a good idea. He didn’t care as long as you were by his side.

You were going to figure a way to get past this, you always do.

Here’s a little something something I put together cause the story made me inspired to draw :D

Tags: @mwitsmejk @bluewhale52 ;D

[winchesterwords]

“You and I” John Winchester x F!Reader

Summary:  Set before the boys raid the vampire nest to get the colt, John visits you to get insight on which vamps have it. Owning a bar, you are a highway of information for the supernatural and an “old friend” of johns. How will he react around you while his sons meet you for the first time?

Word Count: 3753

Warning: Swearing, Alcohol, lil steamy moment

Song I Wrote To: “You and I” by Lady Gaga

Note: This is a bit canon divergence but I liked the concept. I’ve mentioned before that I don’t write smut, but I hope this lil steamy moment was okay. I don’t see enough John fics on here or ao3 so I wanted to do something. I wish we would have gotten more of his character. Tho i think that’s just cause I love JDM so much. 

-------

In the dark of a lone American road, a 67’ Impala rolled along the rain-slicked street. 

“You have that look on your face again,” Dean Winchester said, looking over at his brother. Sam turned to him, confused. 

“What look?” he asked. 

“The look that says you want to either punch Dad or punch him twice,” Dean said with a knowing glance. 

“I just don’t get why he won’t tell us where we’re going,” Sam said with a deep sigh as he stared at the taillights of their father’s truck ahead of them. “He just has to make everything so damn mysterious.” Dean laughed as his thumbs drummed on the steering wheel. 

“You’re just realizing that now, Sammy? Dad has always been like this, but he knows what he’s doing. Always does.” 

“I’m not so sure about that,” Sam grumbled and Dean rolled his eyes. In their search for the colt, they had gotten word that the break-in was perpetrated by a nest of vampires. The problem was, they weren’t sure where to start when it came to the bloodsuckers. Then, John had mentioned he knew someone who could give them a hand. That was all he said before jumping in his truck and telling his boys to follow him. Sam and Dean had done what they were told and revved the Impala’s engine, but now, Sam was getting restless. 

----

John Winchester drove with an eagerness.

He knew where he was going.  He had the route memorized no matter which direction he was coming from. You were the kind of woman that he couldn’t forget even if he tried. There was something about the way you didn’t take any bullshit when it came to anyone. Then there was the fact that you handled a sawed-off shotgun as well as any hunter he had ever met. John always liked keeping you to himself, his own personal getaway when things were getting a bit too dark for his tastes. 

However, unfortunately, this visit would not be a social one. He needed your help and he was running out of options to find the colt. If anyone knew where to find a vamp nest with a desire for a mystical gun, it would be you.

John hit the gas and sped down the road, keeping Sam and Dean in his rearview mirror. He was actually nervous for once. There was so much of his life that he kept private from his sons. Dean knew a bit more than Sam, but they didn’t know about you. They didn’t know about how you had saved his life twice or that you had asked him to stay with you on multiple occasions, but he couldn’t. You always understood that he had a mission to complete. Not just for Mary, but for his boys as well and you respected that even when all you wanted was a bit more time with the man, just as he did with you. 

Turning off the highway, John rolled into a town that seemed like coming home. Dean followed him through the winding streets as John drove straight for your bar. You had owned “The Iron Outpost” since before you had met the eldest Winchester. The entire building was lined with pure iron to keep unwanted spirits at bay. Not to mention the devil’s traps at both entrances and holy water you added to all the drinks.

You were pretty lenient with most supernaturals such as wolves, witches, even the odd vampire on occasion, but demons was where you drew the line. They never got past the door and if they tried, they would be met by you or your business partner, Dawn, who was also a hunter. The two of you had become an information highway for everything going on in the supernatural world and that was why the Winchesters were now at your doorstep. 

Parking in front of the Outpost, John got out of his truck just as his sons pulled in. Sam still looked annoyed as he got out of the Impala, but Dean just looked confused. “Alright, Dad,” Dean said, “what’s going on? Who is this secret contact of yours.”

“Never said she was a secret, Dean,” John said, “I just said you had never met her.” 

“She?” Sam asked. 

“She’s a hunter,” John said, nodding towards the front door. “Sort of.” 

Sam and Dean exchanged a look before following John into the bar. It was pretty crowded for a Tuesday night. The low hum of conversation rolled throughout the room as drinks were poured and food was served. Dean immediately spotted the odd charms that hung around the main entrance, as well as the warding symbols carved into the door frame.

There were two levels in the place and people milled about on both floors, smiling and drinking their fill. It was a typical place to find hunters and Dean immediately loved it. Sam was still a bit skeptical but remained optimistic that this place would offer answers. 

John searched the floor for you, but could only spot Dawn as she worked behind the bar, smiling at patrons. Moving further into the bar, John kept his eyes peeled for you. “Is she meeting us here?” Sam asked. 

“She owns the bar,” John said, turning to his youngest. “She should be around here somewhere…”

“Closer than you think, Winchester,” a voice came from above and John visibly relaxed as your voice reached him. Looking up at the balcony on the second floor, he finally spotted you. Grinning, you turned and jogged down the stairs. John’s eyes followed you as you approached him and the boys. 

“(Y/N),” he greeted with a smile. 

“Heya, Handsome,” you said as you walked up to him. “I’ve missed you,” you whispered as you leaned up and kissed him on the cheek. John smiled down at you, taking in your face as if he was trying to memorize it. “And I see you’ve brought guests,” you said, peering over his shoulder. Though, it didn’t take long for the pieces to fit together in your mind. “Or should I say, family.”

“(Y/N),” John said, “these are my boys, Sam and Dean,” he introduced, gesturing to each of his sons. You shook both of their hands, smiling. 

“Wow, John, you never mentioned how tall they were,” you said, looking at Sam with amusement in your eyes. The youngest Winchester chewed on the inside of his lip, awkwardly. Turning back to John, you sat into a single hip, crossing your arms. “What are you doin’ back in my neck of the woods?” you asked. 

“Need your help on something, (Y/N),” he said and you recognized his tone of voice immediately. This wasn’t going to be one of your more...entertaining visits. 

“What’s wrong?” you asked, giving him your full attention. 

“We may need a bit more privacy for this conversation,” he said, glancing around and you instantly understood. 

“That kind of ‘something’, huh?” John nodded, “Alright, boys. Why don’t you grab a seat and I’ll start closin’ up early. I’ll send Dawn over with a bottle,” you said. John reached out and squeezed your arm. 

“Thanks,” he said. You sent him a wink and then disappeared to start clearing out customers. John led his sons over to the table he always sat at when he came to visit. Shrugging out of his coat, he leaned back and watched as you spoke to Dawn across the bar, gesturing to the three men in the corner. 

“Dad?” Dean said, gaining John’s attention. “How exactly do you know her?” John sighed, running a hand over his face.

“I met her a few years ago,” John began, “I was on a hunt not too far from here. Some large-scale haunting and I hadn’t realized there was more than one ghost. These were nasty spirits. Salt slowed them down, but every time I turned around, three more would show up. I was being cornered by at least four of them and I was out of rounds when (Y/N) showed up and showered them in salt,” John chuckled slightly at the memory. “Woman was like Rambo with a salt grenade and then she hauled my ass out of there.” 

“So you got your ass handed to you by a chick?” Dean asked, amused. John shrugged. 

“Twice actually,” he continued. “She came with me to salt and burn the bones when a vamp came out of nowhere. Freshly turned one too. I’ve never seen anyone move that fast with a machete.”

“But I thought you said she wasn’t a hunter,” Sam said. 

“I said she was sort of a hunter,” John corrected. “(Y/N) hunts when she can. Mostly local things to keep her town safe, but she has other...talents. (Y/N) is connected in the world of the supernatural. She always knows what is going on within the monster world.”

“What? Like having Wolfman on speed dial?” Dean asked and Sam kicked him under the table. Dean threw a glare at his little brother, annoyed. 

“Kind of,” John said, “it’s complicated.” Dean pursed his lips but didn’t press the issue as Dawn arrived with a bottle of bourbon and four glasses. She dropped them on the table. “Thanks, Dawn,” John said. Dawn grinned at him. 

“Good to see you, John,” she said. “Things have been a bit boring around here since you left.” 

“You know me, D, gotta keep moving,” he said and she rolled her eyes. 

“Right,” she said with a knowing look. “Alright, you guys have a good night, I’m heading out.” Dawn nodded to the boys and then gripped John’s shoulder as she headed for the back, ready to have an early night. Dean poured the drinks and handed them out, pouring an extra one for you as you finished up sending people home. 

John sipped from his glass as he watched as you dragged a very drunk psychic from the bar. “It helps me see better!” the woman complained, trying to stay on her feet. 

“Then go buy a bottle at the liquor store, Shay,” you said, hauling her to the door. “I got shit to do!”

“You are going to have a hard life, (Y/N),” Shay said, pointing her finger at your face. Then, the psychic fell over, trying to reach the door. 

“Bet you didn’t see that coming,” you quipped as she stumbled out the door. With a final dismissal of the staff, the Outpost was finally quiet. After locking up, you joined the Winchesters, gratefully accepting the drink John handed you. “Alright, fill me in.”

“Wait,” Sam said before John could begin, “how do we know we can trust her?” Dean rolled his eyes and John narrowed his at his youngest. You, however, had expected this. 

“Something tells me you have questions, Sam Winchester,” you said, downing the bourbon. “Ask away.”

“How do you get your information about the supernaturals?” Sam asked. You reached for the bottle again and poured yourself another drink as you spoke. 

“I have my sources,” you explained. “Not all ‘monsters’ are bad, boys. There are wolves that eat cow hearts from the butcher and vamps that drink blood-bags instead of people. If you know which ones are the less horrible ones, you can make deals with them. Offer them protection from other hunters in exchange for information. I don’t deal in demons though,” you assured them. “However, I do know how to summon one if the situation is that dire. Which it rarely is in these parts. Psychics and witches are also easy to find and very easy to bribe once you get to know them.”

“So you run a black market for information?” Dean asked. 

“That’s one way to put it, sure,” you said with a shrug. “I find that monsters are more willing to speak to you than other hunters. I offer them a deal and they usually take it.”

“What deal?” asked Sam. 

“If they prove to me that they don’t kill people and offer good information, I keep them protected and keep their secret.” 

“And if they break the deal?” 

“Then I kill them,” you said simply. 

“Just like that?” asked Dean. 

“Just like that, Dean,” you said. “Satisfied?” Dean hesitated before nodding. You looked at Sam and he did the same. 

“She’s good, boys,” John said and you smiled at him, gripping his shoulder. 

“So,” you began, “tell me what you need.” John turned fully towards you and you could see that he was exhausted. You weren’t sure when the last time he slept was. Then again, you hadn’t seen the man for months. A hundred different things could have happened since then. 

“We’re looking for the colt,” John said and your brows shot up. 

“As in Samuel Colt?” you asked.

“You know it?” he asked. 

“I do, but nobody knows where it is.”

“We did,” Dean interjected. “Another hunter, Daniel Elkins, had it, but it was stolen.” 

“By vamps, (Y/N),” John said. 

“What would vampires want with a gun like that?” you asked, confused. Everyone that knew about the supernatural was aware of the gun. It was legendary, but most people thought it was just a fable, a myth to tell monsters so they would be scared. You never imagined that someone you knew would be after it.

“We don’t know,” John said, “but we need it.” You sighed, placing your drink down. 

“I can ask some of my contacts, but I can’t make any promises. And as soon as I do, people, monsters, spirits, you name it, they’re all gonna know the Winchesters are after it.”

“We’re out of options, (Y/N),” he said. 

“I’ll do my best,” you said. 

“Aren’t you gonna ask why we need it?” Dean asked. 

“Not my business,” you said. “When you’re in the business in making deals and keeping secrets, you tend to learn to not ask questions. Excuse me,” you said as you got up and headed for your office upstairs. The three men watched after you. 

As soon as the door to your office shut, John turned to his sons. “Really? Did you have to interview her like a suspect?” He didn’t wait for them to answer as he got up and followed after you. 

“How well do you think they actually know each other?” Sam asked, watching after his father. 

“You don’t think…?” said Dean and then he cringed. “Not an image I needed, Sammy. Not at all.”

-------

Slipping into your office, John shut the door softly behind him. 

“Your boys are a lot like you,” you said from your desk as you texted away on your cell phone. John walked around the room as he looked at all the memorabilia you had from various hunts and adventures. Some he had even joined you on. When his eyes fell on the leather couch in the corner, he couldn’t keep the smirk off his face. 

“Sam is like me,” John eventually said, “but Dean is more like his mother.” John turned and walked back to you as you set your phone down and walked around to lean against the desk. John met you there. You reached out and ran your hands up his chest and then over his shoulders. 

“You look tired,” you said softly, looking into his hazel eyes that stared back at you through thick lashes.

“So do you,” he pointed out. You shrugged. 

“It can be hard in my line of work. Never know when someone is going to need me up at three in the morning.” John nodded as his hands slid around your waist under your shirt, his large hands gripping you tighter. His thumbs rubbed along your skin. “I was hoping you’d visit soon,” you said quietly. 

“I’m sorry it took me so long,” he said, stepping closer between your legs. 

“I heard you mention the haunting we first worked,” you said as your hands crept up his neck and into his hair. 

“It was a tough one,” John said. “I should have done my research and of course, listened to the local bartender who told me the history of the place.”

“Yeah, probably would have helped,” you said with a grin. 

“You know,” John said, leaning forward to trail his lips along your jaw ever so slightly. “I never did thank you for saving me that night.” Your eyes fluttered closed as he nipped at your ear, your hands tightening in his hair.

“I remember you did,” you breathed out. 

“Oh?” John asked, innocently. Pulling back, he looked down at you with lustful eyes. “Would you mind reminding me?” With a hard tug, your lips met his and he grabbed your hips, placing you on the desk. 

John kissed you hard as he tried to make up for all the time lost between the two of you. You gripped him tightly, letting him take control. His hands moved from your waist to your hips and then your thighs as he took charge of your body. 

Sliding your hands from his hair to his waist, you ran them up his stomach beneath his shirt, feeling his hard chest beneath your fingers. John pressed in closer, gripping the back of your neck to tilt your head back for better access. When he parted your lips, a small groan echoed from your throat which only made him more eager.

There was nothing better than kissing John Winchester. He was the only man to ever make you feel like this and the second he walked out of your bar, you craved him until he returned. 

Your nails raked down his back as he let go of your lips and moved to your jaw and then down to your throat. Leaning back on the desk, you let him mark you, feeling electricity flow through your veins. You gasped as he bit down just above your collarbone. Keeping one hand on your neck, he used the other to grip your thigh. Your leg came up and between his legs. John pressed his body against yours harder at the movement. 

You were flush against him, feeling his body fit perfectly against your own. He dragged his teeth along your throat, eliciting another moan from your mouth. “You’re gonna cause trouble if you keep doing that,” he whispered against your skin. “Not that I’m complaining,” he said as he lay you back on the desk, running his hands along your body as he leaned over you. 

“Don’t be a tease,” you warned as he grinned, wrapping your leg around his waist. 

“Wouldn’t dream of it,” he said with a smirk as he trailed a finger across your chest.

 “John,” you breathed out as he moved back to your lips, swallowing your whispers. 

Just as his hand began to move towards the waistband of your jeans, your phone rang. 

“Fuck,” you groaned as he paused. Detangling yourself from his body, you slid off the desk and grabbed your phone. John stood back, trying to control his breathing as he smoothed down his shirt. You fussed with your own clothes as you picked up the call. 

John didn’t listen as you spoke to whatever contact you had reached out to. Instead, he tried to come down from the high he had just experienced in that small moment with you. He had almost forgotten what it had felt like to have you in his arms, to feel you respond to his touch. His heart jumped in anticipation at the thought of having the opportunity again, he knew it was unlikely. They still had a job to do. 

“You’re in luck,” you said, grabbing his attention as you pocketed your phone. John turned to you. You wiped at your mouth with the back of your hand and smoothed your hair. “I have the location.”

-----

Once the two of you had made sure you didn’t look like horny teenagers, you rejoined Sam and Dean. 

“I got it,” John said, raising a piece of paper in his hand. Your vampire contact, a nomad who you had crossed paths with occasionally had heard about two humans who had been taken by a nest. A nest that was gloating about getting the jump on some guy named Elkins.

“Just like that?” Dean asked. 

“I told you,” John said, “she’s good.” Sam still looked skeptical, but Dean seemed to be alright with how things turned out. 

“Do you guys need anything else?” you asked, trying not to let the sadness on your face show. You knew he had to leave now and you weren’t sure when you would see him again.

“We’re good,” John said softly and you nodded, crossing your arms. 

“Well, don’t any of you be a stranger, okay?” you said. “And for god’s sake be careful so I don’t have to hunt you down cause you got turned.” 

“We’ll do our best,” John said with a longing look that Dean caught immediately. 

“We’ll meet you outside, Dad,” Dean said as he grabbed his brother’s jacket. “It was nice meeting you, (Y/N),” he said and you nodded back to the both of them. As soon as the door closed behind them, you grabbed John’s arm. 

“You’re going after it, aren’t you?” you asked. “The demon. That’s what the colt’s for.” John grimaced and you sighed. He had told you about the yellow-eyed demon the second time he had come to see you. To most people, a conversation like that would seem like bad pillow talk, but it was normal for the two of you. 

“You know I have to,” he said, reaching for you. His hand came up to hold the side of your face. 

“I know,” you said. “He’s not gonna know what hit him when John Winchester shows up with Samuel Colt’s gun on his hip,” you said as you pulled him closer, your hand resting on the place his gun normally sat. You pulled his lips to yours and you kissed him fiercely. He melted into the kiss and you felt as if this was finally goodbye. You didn’t know why, but something about the way you held each other spoke volumes. 

Pulling back, you looked right in his eyes and tried to memorize those beautiful hazel irises. “(Y/N), you are...it’s been you for so long,” he whispered and you fought back tears. You kissed him once more, letting your lips linger for just a few seconds before letting go again. 

“Go get the bastard,” you said. John smiled at you. 

“Yes, Ma’am.” 

[toloveawarlord]

The Little Vampire (Ch. 2)

You can find my masterlist in my bio!

Characters: Nell, Levi, & Satan

Tagging: @plumpblueberry​ @starry-starry-night24​ @gay-noodle-clan​

A/N: Day 3 of the 12 Days of OCmas! He is already so attached to his little vampire. Who should she meet next? 

Being summoned had turned into a complicated, scheduled event. Levi began to enjoy his trips to visit the girl, bringing her snacks and playing board games. She intently listened to his ramblings about Ruri-chan without judgement or teasing. He honestly had more fun with her than anyone else.

He looked forward to visiting, despite being confined to an empty bedroom.

Except today was different.

It was late, but he was up watching a new anime that was finally available in the Devildom when he was tugged through the void and into the human world. They weren’t scheduled to meet again until the end of the week. “Nell? What’s this abo-” His words trailing off.

The room was empty, and the circle at his feet poorly drawn as if done in a hurry. He’d never come without her being here, and never had the door been left open. The demon wasn’t sure that she left the room at all. Nell never told him about her life here, only asking that he keep her company and play games with her.

“L-Levi!” A shout from somewhere else in the house. Her voice shrill and desperate, hoarse like she’d been yelling for hours.

The layout of the house unknown to him, but the stench of humans drew him down the staircase. There were more than he’d expected, and all quite surprised at his sudden presence. As for Levi, his mouth gaped at the scene before him.

“Levi! Help me!” Nell cried out from where she was held down on the coffee table, a human on either side of her writhing body. A makeshift beheading block. She managed to get an arm out, helplessly reaching towards him.

The large human with the axe stuck his foot against her head, his boot cutting into her pale skin and drawing blood. “Stop squalling, you monster.” His hate-filled eyes turned to Levi. “This doesn’t concern demons so move along!”

“That’s where you’re wrong,” Levi spat out, demonic power erupting from his body. His transformation enough to send fear rattling through the pathetic human’s fragile forms. Golden irises were overflowing with absolute rage. His voice inhumanly deep and commanding. “That little vampire belongs to me.”

Although the leader tried to be strong, his limbs betrayed him, trembling like leaves in the presence of someone so powerful. “What does a demon want with a-” No words could form with his back against the wall, gaze unable to look away from the demon towering above him. The man completely paralyzed.

Levi’s head tilted to the side, assessing his prey with muted interest. Humans were so weak, and yet they pretended to be at the top of the food chain. “It won’t matter to you. You hurt someone important to me.” His tail slithered up to the man’s throat, wrapping gingerly around it....

With one squeeze, his head popped off, splatting against the floor.

The others scattered but none were able to escape. Angering a demon, even one without his strength was a death sentence. No one did so and lived to talk about it.

“Nell?” Levi regained control of himself, scratching his bloodstained cheek awkwardly. He found the vampire quivering in the corner of the room, violet eyes sweeping over the mess. A wave of guilt flooded over him. He must have frightened her so much with his anger.

He glanced around, finding her stuffed dinosaur under the coffee table, likely from when she’d dropped when they were throwing her around. He knelt down in front of her, reaching out and offering the stuffed animal to her. “I’m sorry- oof-”

The girl threw herself into his arms, the force knocking him over. Her cheek rubbed against his chest as she sniffled but smiled. “I knew you’d save me!” A mixture of emotions bubbled over. Nell was crying out of happiness and relief. “If you hadn’t come... they’d of--they’d of- hic.” The fear of almost dying turned into a sobbing mess. She tried to wipe them away with the backs of her hands.

Levi patted his hand against the top of her head. “It’s alright. You don’t have to worry about them anymore.” Mostly because he’d killed them, but he had another reason. He produced a golden band from his pocket. “Check this out. I had my brother help me get it. It’ll let you come back to the Devildom with me. It’s like a super rare item!”

At first it was too big to fit around her dainty wrist, but it shrunk in size once it touched her skin. “Woah. You’re giving me a rare item? Like...” Her brows furrowed as she dug through her memory. “Like the Silver Lion sword in that dungeon game we played?”

“Yeah! Just like that! And it’s all yours! I mean... if you want to come with me.”

Her small arms locked around his neck. “Yes! I wanna go now. Can we go now? Before the others come and lock me up again.”

More humans? Levi cast a glance around at the carnage. He didn’t have the energy to face any more of them. Better to abandon this game than continue to fight. He’d gotten his prize anyways.

Nell nearly fell when they were transported back to his bedroom. She spun on the ball of her foot, throwing her hands up. “That was so cool! It was like poof and we were here!” Her spinning only stopped when she got dizzy, teetering around as she laughed.

Levi collapsed into his gaming chair, all his energy drained. Traveling between the two realms was a big enough strain, but also using so much demonic power only made the demon exhausted. With his elbow propped up on the arm, he rested his chin on his palm.

“Is this where you sleep?” Nell pushed her hands against the edge of the tub to see it better but slipped and fell headfirst into the pile of pillows. Her legs kicked in the air before she flipped upright.

“It’s weird, isn’t it?” Levi asked, nervously turning his gaze to find Henry in the large aquarium. Only normies slept in beds. His tub was the perfect size, and he could cuddle his Ruri-chan body pillow without any issues.

The girl hummed, brushed her white hair out of her face. “No, it makes sense.” She grinned at his surprised expression. “Besides, it’s comfy. Can I sleep here, too? I’m really tiny so we can both fit.”

“S-sure.” He hadn’t thought this far ahead. The situation had turned out to be more dire than he’d realized, but even without it, the demon didn’t have anything in place for her once they’d arrived here. Levi racked his brain for his next move while the girl continually dove into the pillows and then popped up on the other side of the tub and repeated.

The only thing he did know was that Lucifer couldn’t find out she was here.

“I see the item worked for you.”

Nell slipped back under the pillows, peeking out between them to spy on the new demon in the room. His green eyes flickered to where she hid but quickly moved to Levi. Which one was he? She’d heard about all of them.

“Although, I’m not sure that keeping a human as a pet is a good idea.”

“I’m not a human!” The girl sprung up, haphazardly knocking the pillows out of the tub and onto the floor. Her index fingers tapped against her two large canines. “I’m a vampire. See? Fangs!”

Levi rubbed the back of his neck. “I’m not sure what I’m going to do next, but think you can keep her a secret? If Lucifer finds out, he’ll punish me for sure.” His shoulders dropped in dejection. And who knows what he’d do to Nell. “Nell, this is my brother Satan.”

“Oh, the one that likes books and is a cat.”

“A cat?” Satan blinked at her in confusion. He wasn’t not like a cat, although he didn’t think that would be a bad thing. She certainly didn’t say it as a negative, so it was possible that it was meant as a compliment.

The vampire climbed out of the tub and approached the fourth born brother who was deep in serious thought. Her hand tugged on his sleeve, violet eyes that of puppy’s. “Please don’t tell the bossy one I’m here. I want to stay with Levi.” Her gaze fell away, distracted by the mountain of games and toys around her. “If I have to go back, the humans will kill me.”

Satan chuckled at her reference to the eldest as the bossy one. “Your secret is safe with me.” He ruffled her hair and smiled softly. She was quite cute, and it would be entertaining to see how long Levi could keep her hidden.

“Nell, no!” Levi chastised. His tail wrapped around her waist, hauling the girl away from his brother. Her fangs grazed against Satan’s wrist but didn’t actually sink in. He held her in the air, sighing. “You can’t bite him. Actually, you can’t bite anyone. No biting.”

Her index fingers poked together as she gave Satan a sheepish expression. “I’m sorry.”

“Levi, you do know you have to feed her, right? Vampires survive on blood, and if she’s willing to bite a demon, then she must be starving,” Satan said, observing the two with curiosity. He’d never seen Levi so invested in something 3-D.

“I know. I’ll figure something out.” He set her down but didn’t release his tail’s grip. Procuring human blood in the Devildom would be difficult. And if he bought it online in bulk, Lucifer was sure to notice. Levi gritted his teeth and rolled up his sleeve. “For now, you can drink from me. Just be quick.” His head turned away, not wanting to see his own blood.

Nell stared at his bare skin, tongue gliding across her teeth. She hadn’t properly drunk in a while, and it was oh so tempting. “Are you sure? I can control myself... maybe.” She would do her best to abstain.

“Yes. I’m sure. It’ll be like in that one episode where Ruri-chan’s best friend was turned into a vampire and needed blood so Ruri-chan sacrificed herself for them to not suffer! A true inspiration!”

Her soft giggle drew his attention back to her. “You’re so funny, Levi. I bet Ruri-chan would be super proud of you.”

Tears welled in his eyes. If that were true, he could die a happy demon. “Alright, let’s do this! Ahh- ouch!” Levi whined as her fangs pierced his skin. It was nothing at all in Ruri-chan! It stung and burned. He clenched his fist and bit his lip. He would not back down.

But damn did it hurt!

Nell drank enough to feel full and then collapsed forward onto his lap with a happy sigh. “You have nice blood,” she whispered, eyelids too heavy to stay open. With a full tummy and the adrenaline of the day wearing off, the little vampire fell promptly asleep.

“I’ll do some research on where you can purchase blood. In the meantime, be sure to keep her in here where none of the others will find her,” Satan said. Once Mammon or Asmo got a hold of a secret, the entire house would know about it in a matter of minutes.

“Thanks, Satan. I owe you,” Levi said, reaching a hesitant head out to pet her white hair. She was kind of like a pet, like Henry, but more hands on. He lifted her up and climbed into his tub with her. She’d been right, they both could fit in here comfortably. For the first night ever, he didn’t need his Ruri-chan pillow.

But keeping her a secret would turn out to be much harder than he’d imagined.

[carlatsukinamistolemyhamsandwich]

9, 12, 14, 25, 28, 30, 31, 34, 37, 40, 41, 42 and 50 for the Diabolik Lovers Ask Game please! By the way, I love your blog SO MUCH. ♡♡♡

From this ask game.

Thank you for the ask anon, I’m really glad you like my blog :)

This got kind of long so I’ve put my answers below the cut.

9. Do you hate anyone in DL?

Hate is a very strong word, but if you saw my recent post on Shuu’s CL route then you’ll know that I am not the biggest Karlheinz fan. Richter and Cordelia are also fairly awful but I can’t help but feel some sort of pity for Richter as it seems he had a pretty miserable life and while some of the things Cordelia did are just horrible, my negative feelings towards her have somewhat lessened since we got a bit more of a glimpse at her backstory in DF. Menae must have died before Cordelia could really remember her, and we have to remember that she was heavily manipulated by Karl. Like yes, Cordelia is dreadful, but I still think Karl is the big bad of the series. He does so so many awful things and no matter which game you look at, I can’t help but feel that his reasoning is always pretty bleh (even if that probably is just due to not great writing).

Also after that Subaru LE ending Seiji Komori can eat dirt.

12. What do you think of the fandom?

Hmm... While I know some people hold negative views of the DL fandom at large, I don’t think any fandom is entirely unproblematic. My personal experience has generally been pretty good but I will admit I have seen some fairly terrible behavior in the 3 and a half years I’ve been seriously into DL. Then again I also haven’t been this deep in any other fandom and, sadly, I think that is just the nature of the internet.

Still, there are some amazing and very talented people in this fandom, and I feel extraordinarily lucky to have been able to interact with them, so I prefer to focus on that over anything else.

14. Sub or dub?

Sub all the way. When I first started watching anime, I initially just watched dubs, but after I started learning Japanese, I switched to subs to try and pick up some more vocab and now I can’t go back. Also I really like a lot of the Japanese voice actors in DL ^^

25. What do you think of DL haters?

I generally hold the attitude of “live and let live”. If someone doesn’t like DL because of the triggering content (and the way it deals with it) or the sometimes questionable plot then fair enough, it’s not like I think the series is without its problems. The only time I will have any issue at all is if they actively attack fans of the show. If someone is just minding their own business and not hurting anyone then under no circumstances is it okay to blindly attack them over a work of fiction. So yeah, you do you as long as you’re not being a twit about it.

28. Would you ever show your parents DL why/why not?

For anyone who remembers some of the random stuff I post, you’ll know that my mother is indeed aware of Shin’s existence (and Carla’s) which perhaps would have been difficult to avoid given that he’s plastered all over my bedroom wall and I talk about him A LOT (I am just as bad irl folks), but I’ve never gone into the details of the series with her as I feel like she’d be fairly disturbed at some of the content (and it’s for this reason that I would never show her the anime).

You will understand then, why I was slightly horrified when she told me she’d read the wiki because she wanted to know more about the characters I loved so much (like bless her, but also O.o). Apparently Carla is “a baddie” but she thinks Shin is okay.

My parents are also aware of the existence of this blog but, fortunately for me, have no interest in reading it.

30. What do you think of Yui?

I like Yui (I mean what is there to dislike?), she’s a lovely character and has a really good impact on the boys. I’m not as invested in her as perhaps some of the fandom but that’s because I am unapologetically here for the dumpster fire that is the boys.

I prefer writing reader inserts over Yui x diaboy fanfics, simply because it’s fun to see the boys in a slightly different relationship dynamic to that we get in the games (like if you look at my most recent Shin drabble, Yui would never tease Shin like that but I would so reader insert it is).

31. What is your favourite Dialover song and why?

What do you mean I have to pick just one??? Gahhh I love love love Kessen no Dies irae, because it features the Tsukinami bros and it’s just my sort of music but I think my favorite might actually be I.M.I.T.A.T.I.O.N.G.A.M.E. I’m not the biggest Kino fan but Maeno’s singing voice is phenomenal and it also brings back happy memories of when I finished Shin’s LE route for the first time. 

34. Tell us your top three routes! Why are they your favourites?

Hooo boy, this is a tricky one because we all know my bias at this point ^^;; I’ve limited myself to one Shin route because otherwise this list would just be me waxing on about Shin and goodness knows I do that enough already.

1) Shin’s Lost Eden Route

While I like his DF route, I love that Shin’s LE route pays a bit more attention to his feelings towards Yui than his complicated relationship with Carla. I love that it really stretches him as a character and we get to see him relying on Yui, like I don’t know who came up with that plot but BLESS. I think the pacing is very good and the bad endings are just so tragic (and I love really angsty bad endings). And some of the scenario chapters from this route just make me melt.

I also love this route for personal reasons. I’d only just fallen into Shinhell when LE was released and I remember seeing the CGs for his route but there was no information on the plot in the English speaking side of the fandom and it was driving me nuts because I just wanted to know that he was okay. It was at this same time that I had a bit of spare money so I... bought a PSVita and a copy of Lost Eden so I could find out what happened (I was planning on getting a Vita anyway just maybe not THAT soon). I’d only been learning Japanese for 6 months (I am nothing if not horribly ambitious) but I didn’t let that stop me and played through the route. And I loved it (even if I struggled a little with the language) and I was so happy to find out what happened to him. So yeah, I just have warm memories of it.

2) Carla’s Dark Fate Route

While I like Carla’s LE route, I think the pacing and plot of his DF is just a bit better. I love that it gives us the best glimpse at the backstory of the founders (I will take any and all Krone and Giesbach tidbits I can) and I think the progression of Carla and Yui’s relationship is really well handled (even if he is dreadful towards her at times). Also I like Carla, I think of all of the diaboys, he’s one of the ones I’m most similar to so I find it easy to empathize with him.

3) Subaru’s Dark Fate Route

It’s been a while since I played this route but I remember having a really good time when I did. The Vampire Ending is incredibly sweet, as are some of the scenario chapters and I thought the plot was fairly well structured. Plus Carla and Shin are in it so bonus points there.

37. If you could change one thing in your favourite Diaboy what would it be?

I never want to answer questions like this because I love Shin as he is, I don’t want to change him. 

I mean I would like for him to see more value in who he is than just his bloodline and get it into his skull that he is not inferior to Carla but only as gradual changes based on environment (or just idk talking to Carla but goodness only knows that won’t happen unless Carla’s on his deathbed again).

40. Your thoughts on Karlheinz?

See above. But yeah, not a fan, would not be sad if he became the victim of a bizarre fishing accident and never again appeared in the DL franchise but I think that’s a bit too much to hope for. Sorry Karl fans but I can’t get over the stuff he’s done (and also I have had enough of “and it was Karl’s fault all along” coming up in the games).

41. Would you buy the games if they were released in English?

I’m a little torn on this one because I love supporting Rejet and otome game localisations but I own all of the games aside from VC already so there wouldn’t really be any point. I think if I had a LOT of money to spare then I would, but as my finances stand at the moment then it’s a no.

42. If you got to design the 14th Diaboy what would he be like?

Oh this is a difficult one, ideally I’d like to see someone who was a member of one of the other demon races but I don’t think you can really have a diaboy without the blood-sucking, so I guess I’d make them half vampire half adler (as I think they’re the race we know the least about). As for personality... It’s tricky because I feel like the diaboys already cover a pretty wide spectrum. I’d probably make him a cocky jerk because I love cocky jerks and I’d make him fairly witty too but more logic than feelings orientated. I’d have him kidnap Yui because he wants to use her as a pawn against the diaboys in some nefarious plot (that I’m not going to think too much about because this post is not meant to be an OC planning session) and not because he has any interest in her or plans for her himself.  I guess he’d sort of be a cross between Kino and Carla?

I’d give him a vendetta against Karlheinz too because I can :D 

I had to cut this short because I started coming up with a backstory an everything but I think that’s too much ^^;;

50. Do you think Richter should have a route of his own?

Honestly? No. It’s not that I wouldn’t be interested to see the story of Richter with someone who is not Cordelia (even if he is not my favorite dude from the franchise) but more that I can’t see Rejet dropping Yui as a heroine and RichterxYui? No thank you. After all the stuff he’s done in the games and his obsession with Cordelia? I just don’t feel comfortable with that pairing, sorry.

[mychemicalficrecs]

Hiya! Not sure if you do this, but would you be able to suggest some non-ao3 finished frerard fics? It seems I've read ao3's entire collection 😅 Thank you so much, you're honestly my favourite blog on here xx

Thanks for your kind words, Nonny! And... congratz on reading the entire ao3 tag, there are a lot of works there :D

Frank/Gerard is such a popular ship that I was actually able to find quite a lot from outside ao3.

Non-AO3 Frank/Gerard

Thing-Thing by sinsense, 43k, NC-17. When Gerard signed the admissions paperwork for the Fordhaven School for Boys, he knew he was signing up for four years of sexual frustration. No one was gay at Fordhaven. Gerard was all-too-aware that he would be a virgin until he graduated. In his senior year, though, this stupid gay freshman disproves Fordhaven's straightness, and throws Gerard's entire world off-kilter. Now, in between drawing, avoiding bullies, running an incredibly serious tabletop RP game, failing out of math, and hanging out with friends, Gerard is also busy kind of falling for this asshole who's way too young for him. It's not what he planned on, but it's what's happening. In conclusion: high school sucks.

I Think I Thought (I Saw You Try) by thatsfinewithus, ~3,000, NC-17. Welcome to some weird AU world in which Gee only does awesome comics and Frank is a vampire.

They Came From Outer Jersey! by thatsfinewithus, 25k, R. New London Fire is an elite fringe government force assigned the task of protecting the earth from some of its more interesting threats: those from beyond the atmosphere or even the universe. They've handled dangerous cases before, but they've never seen anything like...ZOMBIES FROM SPACE. Vampires, long hunted in lore and legend, are now the earth's only saviors. There is little information as to who sent the creatures until Mikey Way, head of the NLF, finds out more by being abducted. Is it too late for him? Is it too late for the earth? Find out how six vampires, one government general, and one frustrated comic book artist save the earth in...THEY CAME FROM OUTER JERSEY!!

I never told you what I do for a living. by not0_fuckin_kay, 60k+, PG-13 to NC-17. Frank Iero, male nurse at Pete Wentz's private hospital and possibly more to one new patient he can't keep his eyes off of. When a new pateint is brought in with amnesia, just days before Christmas, and with nothing but the clothes on his back and a strange drawing, it's left to Frank to find out who he is and what happened to him. When he does, it changes Frank's life forever, as he's thrust into love and health scares he never thought would complicate his life. This is the story of how he tries to make it through, juggling his job and his love-life and just trying to make things better. With Patrick the doctor, Bob the ward supervisor, Travis the unlikely therapist, and Mikey, the sometimes wannabe homicidal geek.

Of All The Hidden Corners by moneyes, ~44K, PG-13. An epic, adventurous tale filled with alternate universes, lords, mischief, magical powers, snark, boyfriends, and luck of the bad kind.

All We Are by lightisbreaking, 21k, R. Set in the future, where humans are on the brink of evolution. For the select few born with a special awareness of their own minds - an awareness which gives them abilities beyond the norm, life is suddenly a very dangerous thing. Frightened of what this could mean, the government set out to make this new race of humans extinct, telling the public that these people are mentally unstable defectives and must be kept under observation for the safety of the public. All of this brings together a rather odd troupe of people, hiding from the government and eventually having to protect one of their own when he's taken into custody. Superpowers AU!

Tell Us a Story by bexless, imogenedisease, 32k, NC-17. The world as these kids know it is ending, and Gabe Saporta is throwing the party. High school AU based on the movie Can't Hardly Wait.

Stay Right Here by idktbh, swagneto, 28k, R. Frank is involved in an accident which renders him paralyzed from the waist down. When Frank begins to withdraw into himself, his relationship with Gerard crumbles and the band faces the hardest decision they'll ever make: whether to continue playing or not. This is a story about how MCR copes with the biggest obstacle of their career so far.

Return to Spirit Lake by inpurity, 22k, R. Gerard Way has left Spirit Lake when he was eighteen to study to become a veterinary surgeon, and with no intention of ever coming back. Twelve years later he is back, carrying secrets of a life spent away from his family and friends, and the weight of a dark, painful sorrow. His old home town has not changed, but his life, and the lives of the people he will meet along the way, will never be the same.

These Friday Night Lights by faux-disco-sins, 21k, PG-13. Gerard is the head cheerleader and wears the cheer skirt, Frank is on the football team, Pete is the school mascot, Ryan is the school’s hobo journalist, Jon does photography for the yearbook, Spencer and Patrick are in the marching band, Gabe and Ray are AV techs who do a ESPN spin-off for the school, Bob is the big scary lineman, and Mikey tries to fit in while ignoring the fact that his older brother is wearing a skirt in public.

Of Love And Superpowers by mcrnut, 20k, NC-17. Seventeen year old Frank Iero is in his last year at Mutant High. He has a couple of good friends, is doing okay in school and even though he has some issues with his Mother, life is pretty great. That is, until one day, when he overhears some of the professors talking about the well-known Anti-Mutant organization HSA and how they have already broken into two Mutant Academies and are heading their way. Frank and his friends have to stick their heads together and try to solve the mystery, and as if Frank didn't have enough to think about already, he finds himself falling for his friend's older brother, Gerard.

Cypress Grove by slashxyouxup, 24k+, NC17. My Chemical Romance fight off a town of sperm hoarding, men hating, PMSing maniac women in order to save themselves from certain doom! Also, Frank and Gerard get closer than close while pretending to not be completely in love with each other. Mikeyway is not amused.

Sleepwalker by lyrical_tragedy, 73k, NC-17. Frank Iero is one of the best cops in New Jersey so it’s only natural that his boss dumps a seemingly unsolvable case on him and his colleague Bob Bryar. With no leads whatsoever Frank enlists the help of Gerard Way, a reclusive young man who experiences strong visions and dreams of events from the past and visions of the future. However, none of them could ever begin to expect the terrifying chain of events that come into play once they delve deeper into the unknown, questioning Frank’s very beliefs on what the world actually holds. A story of visions, sacrifices, over protective brothers and love all in the midst of the attempted destruction of the world. The devil’s got your number and he will come calling, until it’s nothing more than hell on earth.

Patience Is A Virtue (You Might Be Good Looking, But You Can’t Sleep With Yourself Tonight) by eflorentino, 22k, NC-17. Frank Iero’s biggest hero is Gerard Way; the outspoken, obnoxious lead singer of the multi-platinum selling band My Chemical Romance. His world changes completely when he finds himself suddenly shoved into the limelight, playing sell-out shows every night and earning more than his usual $6 an hour. However, the infamously homophobic frontman isn’t what Frank expects, and after mixed signals and unsolved revelations he learns that, with Gerard Way, things are never simple.

But Nobody Cares If You're Losing Yourself by red_ones_fly, 16k, NC-17. It took me a while to work out that there was something wrong with Gerard, he kept it hidden well and, really, he didn’t even know something was wrong with him. To him it seemed like normal, everyday stuff. He never found any of his behaviour out of the ordinary. To him it was just reality.’ After Gerard's grandma passes away his behaviour becomes strange. He becomes less outgoing and more paranoid. As Frank tries to work out what’s going on with his friend/love interest, between school, learning psychology and dealing with the jocks, he doesn’t realise just how bad it is.

Parks and Recreation by vinvy, 35k+, PG-13. Gerard Way is an art school drop out with no prospects, student loans to pay off, and a dead end job. His mother works too hard and his little brother Mikey is keeping secrets. His boss runs shady contracts and smiles too much. It's nothing special and he tells himself that he'll learn to make peace with that- in the meantime he's got to carve out a living that doesn't involve artwork. Really, he's going to be okay. Then a crazy homeless kid comes along and screws up Gerard's Adventures in Normal Employment with his hippie magic and soulless eyes. Gerard can't shake the feeling that this guy "isn't quite right" but he's too busy fending off the freak accidents that are following him around to worry about that particular winged freak.

Empire Boys by noctecaelum, 30k, NC-17. In the city that never sleeps, it's tough to get your foot in the door. While Gabe Saporta may find it easy to blend into the socialite scene; Gerard Way spends his day blending eyeshadow at Bloomingdales. As newcomer Frank triumphs in Women's Lingerie, Gerard sparks a bitter rivalry in the vicinity of Lexington and 59th; but there's no use crying over spilt coffee because things are about to fire up. Meanwhile, on the Upper East Side, Gabe Saporta is none too pleased to read a socialite-bashing article, but when confronting the writer, he doesn't expect to meet fresh faced, pretty-boy William Beckett, who turns out to be the biggest tease this side of the Downtown Dunkin' Donuts.

The Evolution Index by theficisalie, 32k, NC-17. In a world where superpowers are just another thing that can get you sent to boarding school, Frank Iero and his friends know what it's like to operate under heavy levels of stress. After all, they did spend their formative years under the wings of the United States Government's most widespread and successful initiatives; a program that was created to protect and train young Americans with superpowers to become functioning members of society. And, as a side-benefit, the government realized that not only were telepaths great at taking drink orders, but they could also be trained to be highly successful secret agents. Under the guidance of Frank's volatile and (literally) power-hungry boyfriend Gerard Way; Frank, Mikey Way, and Ray Toro are an accomplished team of super spies. When a handful of people from Frank's sordid past crop up during an investigation of rash Superhuman disappearances across the country, the team finds themselves challenged both on and off the field as they fight to solve the mysteries plaguing their beloved nation. Frank knows all too much about uncovering things that he'd rather keep hidden, but can he and his team unravel the intricate web of crime and kidnapping surrounding Chicago without losing themselves in the process?

A Good Ocean Gone Wrong by xoxxblitz7, 32k, NC-17. Titanic AU - The Way's are one of the richest families in America and sometimes being an artist requires the need to travel. On the doomed maiden voyage of Titanic old friends are found, new love is formed and put to the test and the most luxurious crossing of the Atlantic ocean becomes a fight for survival.

A Fanfiction (In Which Gerard Has A Secret Stash of Star Wars Fanfiction) by sparklefap, 10k, R. Frank finds Gerard's bizarrely erotic Star Wars fanfiction, and is both disturbed and aroused by it. Those feelings won't do for Frank. He seeks revenge.

[dndeviants]

Guide to the Balance in Dungeons and Dragons.

The Balance is a philosophy of the D&D multiverse which purportedly is a system of checks and balances between the forces of Good, Evil, Law, and Chaos.

The truth is, that it is much more complicated than that.

The Balance is a system that has one end goal- to stop threats to the Prime Material Plane that would disrupt the orbit of the planes and throw the cosmos into disarray. Whether that be devils, demons, modrons, celestials, or any kind of planar force that would sway the Material planes to any kind of absolutism.

But why?

In the deepest layer of the Abyss, there is a powerful entity imprisoned- the God of Entropy, Tharizdun. Sages say that this creature had consumed entire universes, leaving no being in its wake and snuffing out existence wherever it went. It took the will of every living thing in the remaining multiverse to imprison it in the corpse of a dead universe, the energies of the different planes acting as chains to keep Tharizdun imprisoned.

The Prime Material also acts as a central anchor and counter balance, keeping all of these “chains“ both linked and in place. It is believed that if any one of these planes exerts enough influence to subsume the Prime Material, that will weaken all of the other chains keeping Tharizdun imprisoned.

Followers of the Balance may seem untrustworthy or capricious to those who ascribe to ideas of strict morality or moral absolutism, or follow along with ideas of Good or Evil. Such concerns with common people and adventurers alike is that most people don’t even know that Tharizdun exists, and many sages prefer to keep it that way.

Many common people would scoff at the idea that there can be “too much Goodness“- but followers of the Balance realize that “good“ and “evil“ are arbitrary labels at best and promote a very simplified view of the multiverse that doesn’t allow for nuance or freedom of choice. So forces that  many refer to as “Good“ are just simply Celestial in nature, and many forces that are considered “Evil“ are Diabolic or Demonic- which does little in the grand scheme of things, when acting to preserve the multiverse’s very existence.

The Blood War.

In the Dungeons and Dragons universe, there is an eternal war between Demons and Devils on the lower planes which will continue ad infinitum... and to keepers of Balance must continue ad infinitum.

The Blood War exists to keep those forces busy, so that again, none of those lower planes can usurp the other and keep Tharizdun imprisoned. Despite being a war between Demons and Devils, it isn’t actually uncommon to see Celestials siding with either one in the battlefield of Avernus, or other planar creatures either.

It becomes less a battle of Evil versus Evil, but one of Order versus Chaos that just happens to take place in the first layer of Baator.

Keepers of the Balance will do actions to keep either side from gaining the upper hand, perhaps favoring lawful victories one day, or chaotic ones the other. The Blood War is a big focus in the Dungeons and Dragons universe, simply because it is the most visible conflict that clearly involves the Balance.

Tenets of the Balance.

Followers of the Balance tend to follow a set of guidelines for understanding the multiverse, and the appropriate extent of their meddling.

Labeling things and creatures as inherently“Good“ and “Evil“ is a worthless endeavor, and limiting.

Every creature has a purpose, role, and place in the Multiverse. A demon has as much right to exist as a celestial, a goblin as much as a human, and so on and so forth.

Be aware of your biases. Everyone is going to have cultural backgrounds that influence their tendencies and decision-making, so be aware of them and take them into consideration before you make decisions that effect others.

Keep direct interference to a minimum. Most followers of the Balance take on observational roles and sage roles in order to guide those who have power to benefit the continued existence of the multiverse. Which can be achieved with a clue, a gift of a magic item, etc.

Be aware of the effect your actions will have.

There’s the idea that the keepers of Balance do nothing to improve the world, and in some instances, the belief that keepers of Balance actually actively keep the world from improving- and that isn’t the case. 

There’s nothing to threaten all of existence in people making inventions to improve the quality of life, and the affairs of kingdoms and civilizations are best left to the people living in them, though it also wouldn’t be unusual for keepers of Balance to try to influence affairs where they live- such as foiling religious inquisitions, stopping demonic cults, preventing factions from usurping one another, or defending the settlements from other invasions.

Final Thoughts.

The Balance is an interesting tool and philosophy to help Player Characters actually step back and think about the effect that their actions have on the world at large, and how their actions may effect not only their world, but the planes and multiverse at large, remembering that in the end, there’s still something bigger, both in purpose and threats, but it is definitely more appropriate to use for campaigns with a larger scale of threats rather than just monster of the week or dungeon delving campaigns.

I usually use Mordenkainen as my agent of Balance because he is one of the most recognizable NPCs in the Dungeons and Dragons universe, and his presence anywhere outside of Oerth is a sure sign that there’s something cosmic going on. 

Spoilers: Curse of Strahd and Descent to Avernus both have cameos of him, but to be fair, those modules do a very poor job of presenting the issue of Balance and do very little on their own, save to have him there for the cameo’s sake, requiring Dungeon Masters to do a lot of work to make the encounter worthwhile, in my opinion.

Curse of Strahd: Mordenkainen the Mad Mage came to Barovia a year ago and led an ill-fated rebellion against the vampire. Despite being really out of character to lead a front line assault when Mordenkainen is more of a background operator- it poses the question... Why? Is Strahd a threat to the multiverse, even if he is eternally trapped? Did something happen to Mordenkainen before leading the assault? Why is he here to begin with? Did he get abducted, did he come of his own free will? What does this have to do with Balance?

Descent to Avernus: Mordenkainen is in his Tower of Urm in Avernus using a simulacrum to deal with and hire yugoloths. He doesn’t do much for the PCs as written, only sending them away towards a “mage of no renown.“ Ok. So again, why is he here? Does he know what is happening with a big chunk of Prime Material plane being pulled into Avernus? Is he here to observe or is he a background operator? What is he doing here?

There’s a lot of work to be done, but I wish that there was more guidance for DMs because this is a lot of work and kind of a waste of an encounter.

All in all, the Balance is an interesting D&D philosophy of cosmic mindfulness that could be an interesting tool to workshop encounters.

[anunconnectedmarketeer]

What better way to start this blog off with a vtuber-sona that I am just now realizing is a glorified fursona but ironically with way less production value put into it?

I would joke that “God has not stayed my sinful hand,” with my lacking art skills, but now I realize that the result of my hubris will be my punishment.

“If you’re a god cultivating hope through myths, then I’m a tanuki.” “Good, we needed one of those.”

Well, as per the purpose of this blog, they exist outside of my fleeting consciousness now. Though, I was only able to visualize it in an SD format, and ideally there would also be a “nijisanji hot guy” avatar. 

So, the goal in making a vtuber was to get me to love aspects of myself that I have instead of romanticizing aspects of myself that I don’t have. The original idea was a vampire with a physique reminiscent of Eyeshield 21′s Kurita, a plain dress shirt adorned with blood and coffee stains, and messy hair that eclipsed their eyes.

However, that’s fairly plain, and I don’t quite have the Je ne sais quoi to even joke about being a count. This is a character that is supposed to be like looking into a mirror and that’s not really possible with the vampire design.

So I repurposed an old OC that only existed as a thought - a salaryman smelling of cigarettes and coffee that claims to be a tanuki, but is really just a lying human. Because I myself am American - whatever that means - I decided that while the story is the same, the design should invoke more raccoon than racoon dog. Also, I don’t smoke.

Anyway, within the hopemythos, an offhand lie causes him to be in too deep on the lie, as no one else can really tell he’s not a tanuki, and gets signed onto a myth-based talent agency.

Complications besides my own artistic limitations involve the association of raccoons with trash and potential self depreciation, and the inability to give a character with blinding bangs the racoon eyeshadow. There’s also the issue of having to convey emotion with just a mouth, but I think my obtuse solution still has a cute element.

Notes:

#E5B970 - What I presume the skin tone will be in hexcode. I will not pretend to know how to work with fleshy tones, so this is mostly for ballparking.

A - Hair poofs outwards and then curls inwards. Towards the neck from the sides, towards the eyes from the front. Many layers, very messy, stray cowlicks, etc. Color is light black with grey highlights. Eyes are perpetually hidden.

B - On the chibi, these are just racoon ears. Chestnut shaped, aim for distinction with racoon dog/tanuki ears. On the real avatar, they are clearly attached to a hairband. Since the haircolor is black, the hairband should be brown for visual clarity. On the real avatar, maybe the tip of a human ear is visible through the hair? What’s nice about static avatars is that this hairband can just be a transparent .png, and can just be replaced with alternates to create a “transform!!” effect - such as an Arknight’s Manticore hairband because vamp headwings-

C - Grey Dress shirt is the basic. But again, static avatars means alts are possible, and in this design space I am bound only by my limited imagination. Hawaiian Shirt Alt. “My eyes are... uhhhhh” T-shirt Alt. Raincoat Alt. The more important note is that - chibi or not - the character should be wide. No skinny bitches, the character should be fat - even with Neco Arc noodle limbs space needs to be conveyed. And not like, “dense” or “short stack,” I am committing, which I why I am grateful tanuki are fat and have fat-

D - Blue Jeans.

E - Dress shoes with LARGE platforms. Why not. No one will see them. Rain-boots alt. because I made the shirt too large and I like it too much to change it.

So yeah, all I need to do is to uncompress this mental image into a nijisanji hot guy. Because the chibi doesn’t exist. The vtuber doesn’t actually see themselves as a chibi. It’s just a hairband. What do you mean you see a chibi, that’s impossible, the vtuber can’t actually transform-

[spacebarbarianweird]

Sword Coast Issue with Vampires

Masterlist

Headcanons

There are 7000 spawns released from the Cazador's mansion

The most of them are "the worst of the worst" - criminals, murderers - whoever Astarion found in the Lower City

Completely insane and deranged from decades of confinement

And hungry

When a vampire lord is killed, all their spawns become free-willed (lesser vampires)

But 50% chance the spawn dies as well so let's say 3500 lesser vampires enter the Underdark

Lesser vampires can create 1-2 spawns in their lifetimes

I suppose free-willed vampires can upgrade themselves via rituals and deals with evil foirces?

There are only 6 "siblings" in charge of this mess and I doubt they can control a few thousand lesser vampires

What are they going to eat?

They will start ravaging Faerun because I doubt 3500 deranged feral vampires have any self-control

Wait a few decades, and there will be a certain number of dhampirs

Some of them will be born to their vampire-mothers and grow up seeing the bloodmess their vampire kin create

Some of them will be the result of SA by their vampire-fathers and grow up having no idea wtf is wrong with them until they grow fangs and feel the bloodlust

Dhampirs might be born even a few generations later if one of their ancestors was a vampire so there will be more and more of them

There will be so many vampires they will start killing each other

Commoners don't see the difference between dhampirs and vampires and will try to kill half-bloods since they will be easier to catch

Dhampirs will have to unite and start killing vampires just as a matter of survival

Dhampirs will have their own issues, they will solve with swords and fangs

There will be a constant bloodshed between "children of the night" Result: we are having a major vampire infestation plus a growing number of dhampirs who have serious family issues. I must say I like how there is no simple answer to this problem. Murdering 7000 spawns doesn't sound like a good deed but at the same time very few of them are capable of living peacefully in the Underdark. It's just a fucked-up horde of murderous creatures who will be able to procreate since their master is no longer in control. It's like an insane trolley problem. Kill 7000 spawns - save people they might kill. Release 7000 spawns and put lives of regular people in danger.

[bemused-writer]

VNC Chapter 42 Review

Well, this review is long in the making. Nearly time for the next chapter! I almost considered waiting and then combining the two reviews, but, well, that seemed like it might get a little long. Since we're going to get the next chapter tomorrow, I'm going to keep guesswork to the minimum if it's likely to be answered in the very next chapter and instead focus on what this chapter gave us, which is already plenty. There was a lot therein that will probably only make sense in future chapters, but here we go! The first thing I have to wonder is: Can Noé reattach his hand or can't he? Both he and Dante don't seem to have any clue, but mostly that seems to indicate neither has been trained in first aid, so...

Personally, I think it would be a little anticlimactic if Noé just gets his hand back without any repercussions, but I suppose we'll find out soon. The cold might have preserved it well enough that it can be done, I suppose? Outside of that ongoing question, there was an interesting thing Dante pointed out: astérisque flowers appear when the world formula has been altered.

I looked this flower up, and I'm having no luck finding anything, so I can't really go into any depth regarding possible symbolism. To me it looks like a peony, but Google translate informs me that is not how you say peony in French, so I'm unsure. If anyone has any ideas on that, I would definitely welcome the insight! Flowers appearing after the world has been altered is certainly poetic, however. It suggests, to me, ideas of rebirth, cleansing, etc.

We also got insight into Astolfo's backstory, and it's as tragic and sorrowful as we all feared it would be. This boy wants to rectify a wrong done to his family, I completely get that, but he's targeting the innocent and that changes things. If he were only going after the vampires that killed his parents and assaulted his sister, I'm pretty sure we'd all be rooting for him. As it is, he's killing vampires indiscriminately, lumping them all together, and that makes his revenge more of a hate crime. Seeing him and Roland together is ... difficult. Roland was the one who saved him, saw him at his absolute lowest. Astolfo owes him in ways he can't repay and I think all of this explains their potentially very messed-up relationship. Roland is a constant reminder of his sister's death, of his own weakness. However, Roland is the one in charge of him, the only one he willingly obeys, and the one he professes to despise. Why is that? No doubt it's because Roland puts on a carefree facade, makes light of everything, and still manages to be one of the most powerful paladins, and he's the very individual Astolfo owes the most. I don't think any of that mixes well for him. As for Roland, he seems... severe, around Astolfo.

I wouldn't say he seems cruel, exactly, but so far his lighthearted nature disappears completely when Astolfo is around. Perhaps this is another issue Astolfo has with Roland: he's happy and kind to everyone but him. No one comments on their exchange, but Noé has a sad, understanding look on his face. He's becoming more aware of how cruel the world can be. Astolfo didn't stand a chance.

Jean-Jacques and Chloé were given a happy ending, and I'm definitely okay with being wrong with all my gloomy predictions from before. :D Watching them bicker really made me feel like they were Jeanne's parents. We also see that Chloé has been fed up with life for a long time. She longed for a peaceful death back when she was watching over Jeanne in a beautiful location free of her usual troubles. Thankfully, she's now in a much better place, and she and Jean-Jacques can begin to rebuild now.

Of course, none of this would have been possible without our resident vampire doctor, Vanitas, who is having some troubles of his own.

Vanitas is in danger of being rewritten. What does this mean exactly? My first guess is that he could become a vampire. It would be somewhat fitting, I suppose. He would hate that and we all thought he was going to be the vampire in this series to begin with. Having said that, I'm not sure I really like that interpretation. It's also possible he's being consumed by the mark, which is a lot vaguer. I see two possibilities at the moment: he will be consumed until he ceases to exist or he will become something, or someone, else. Either way, the mark is certainly wider by quite a bit. The growth is quite alarming; he's had to use its power directly only once so far and it's already grown that much? His entire arm will be covered if he keeps it up, which we know he probably will. It's interesting that while Noé loses his left hand, Vanitas has trouble with his right. Once again, they're almost perfect parallels of one another. That's one theme of the series that's been remarkably consistent, and I suspect will only continue. The left hand was traditionally associated with evil or bad luck, while the right was considered right and proper. We could easily see this as symbolism for their relationship with one another: Vanitas is causing Noé trouble/bringing him further down a dark road while Noé is improving Vanitas's outlook and lightening his burden. This is a very simplistic way of looking at it, of course, and the truth is that their relationship is a lot more complicated than that with a much more even give-and-take, but on a surface level that is one way of looking at things. Regardless, Vanitas isn't given much time to sulk as Jeanne finds him and thanks him profusely for his help. It figures Vanitas would be confused by this; someone thanking him for a good deed? He has no idea how to handle this.

Things immediately take a different turn, though. I think the realization that she owed all of this to Vanitas sort of increased her affection for him, which in turn triggered her desire for blood, which in turn gave us this scene that I can only assume will go down in this fanbase's history:

So, it looks like Jeanne's venom is producing a pleasurable effect here, but this is actually somewhat noteworthy because that is not how things were in their previous encounters. Behold:

I know there's some room for interpretation here, but to me it looks like Vanitas is in a lot of pain, especially in that first example. But in our most recent chapter, he isn't. Why? Personally, I think it's because they're more compatible now, which leads to some interesting possibilities with a vampire's venom. Perhaps, just as in real life, two people can not be "compatible" at first, but through shared life experiences they can become so. Jeanne and Vanitas definitely weren't compatible when they first met, but this arc has transformed their relationship into something more equitable. Having said that, they still have a long way to go. Neither of them seems especially good at asking for permission so far. Vanitas kissed her without permission in the first volume, Jeanne drank his blood without permission in chapter 42. It's not quite the same since they've both come a long way in their relationship, but still. There's no doubt that Jeanne's feelings for Vanitas are softening, though.

Vanitas has given her something she desperately wanted: he saved Chloé, he kept his promise. That's a big deal. And I think, for the first time, Vanitas saw who Jeanne really is:

He thought she was a pushover he could manipulate into anything and that she would never love him. Decent chance he was wrong about literally every single one of those things. :D Jeanne's quiet, obedient demeanor seems more like a learned habit, a way of surviving in a world that wants nothing to do with her. In actuality, she's very forthright, a bit of a tomboy judging by her childhood behavior, and eccentric. She's the exact opposite of Dominique, who learned that, in order to survive, she needed to be more boisterous and bizarre as opposed to the quiet, feminine girl she once was. Anyway, this leads to Vanitas flashing back to VotBM commenting on how she hoped someone would embrace him the way she did. I'm not going to lie, I think it's kind of weird a romantic scene led to a family-style platonic scene (at least I'm assuming...), but maybe Vanitas is so starved for affection he can't tell the difference. I would almost believe it.

It's interesting to note that VotBM says "Just as the two of you are here for me..." There were two people in her life that prevented her from feeling lonely. Likewise, Vanitas has two people in his life that are preventing him from feeling lonely: Jeanne and Noé. Of course, the person that allowed for him to be this close to Jeanne is Noé, it's why he was so made at Noé a couple chapters ago. He promised Jeanne something because he's been influenced by Noé's own do-gooder personality. We symbolically see that all of this is because of Noé walking into his life in the last panel.

It will be interesting to see how things continue! Needless to say, I'm very impatient for the next chapter. 8D Till then, you guys!

[impalementation]

Not sure if you’ve talked about it before because I couldn’t find anything from tags but, what’s your opinion on Faith in each season and her dynamic with Buffy?

I’ve gotten a couple different asks in this vein! Sorry for taking so long to answer them, this response got out of hand. Consider this my official thoughts on Faith. Putting it under a cut because it got long.

I think Faith is a crucial addition to the show. Admittedly, she isn’t someone I spend a ton of time thinking about, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t interesting or important. I like Faith for two reasons: first, for how she affects Buffy, and second, for how she ends up transcending the role of “someone who affects Buffy.”  

Regarding the first, a lot’s been said about what a classic foil she is, as well as how she’s an example of doppelgänger-type anxiety. Faith is someone that, simply by existing, makes Buffy conscious (even possessive) about her identity, in ways she’s never been before.

Which is one of the big themes of season three: Buffy’s relationship to identity, especially slaying as an identity, and slaying as a symbol of identity. In Anne Buffy abandons her slayerness, abandons her life and name, and fights a villain that literally takes away its victims’ personhood (“Who are you?” “No one.”). She loses her powers in Helpless. Her slayerness makes her an object of social retribution in Gingerbread, and a hunted animal in Homecoming. In Lovers Walk she toys with the idea that she could leave Sunnydale and have an identity that doesn’t have to do with killing demons.

And then you have Faith, a slayer who is presented as an alternate version of/path for Buffy. When Kendra was introduced, the show didn’t do much to emphasize what she and Buffy had in common; if anything, the show emphasized the ways they were different. Kendra was more rulebound, less social, and had accepted the idea of being a slayer a long time ago. Whereas Faith regularly plays up her and Buffy’s similarities: “We’re slayers, girlfriend. The chosen two.”, “You know it could be you.” Buffy herself admits that “it could be me.” I think it’s pretty deliberate that Buffy in The Wish has a jaded, Faith-like swagger. Or that the season features the concept of alternate-universe selves in general.

(That said. Despite the fact that I don’t see Buffy and Kendra as foils to the degree that Buffy and Faith are, I do think season three features Faith for much the same reason that What’s My Line introduced Kendra: both are about being at a crossroads of identity. Buffy in The Wish is a bit like Kendra too.)

I posted before about how seasons three and four introduce the idea of Buffy making choices about who she wants to be, rather than choices about who lives and dies. And how Faith is central to that. Faith makes Buffy aware of choice by (a) being a slayer, meaning that unlike any other character, she’s under the same constraints that Buffy is, (b) openly having desire for things (food, sex, slaying), © making different choices than Buffy, and (d) tempting Buffy to use her powers non-heroically, whether in the Bad Girls sense, or by forcing Buffy to potentially kill her in Graduation Day. Also, by encroaching upon things that Buffy considers “hers”, like her friends, lovers, or family, Faith clarifies for Buffy that she even considers anything “hers” at all. In other words, she makes Buffy notice both her identity as it is, and her identity as it could be.

But for all that Faith has nice symbolic and dramatic reasons to exist, what I actually really like about the way the show uses Faith is that she becomes a character in her own right. It ties into the show’s existentialist themes in a really effective way. I know, I get tired of myself as soon as I bring up the existentialist stuff, but I don’t think it can be understated how existentialist Buffy is. It’s why Buffy is a vampire slayer specifically, even though most of the time she isn’t even fighting vampires. She’s a vampire slayer because vampires are the opposite of existentialism. They’re nihilism. They’re thieves of agency, identity, and life. By virtue of lacking souls, they are incapable of moral choice. They don’t age, they don’t mature. They’re the opposite of “growing up.” They fill the open-ended eternity of their existence with destruction and death.

(You might point to Spike and Darla as exceptions to this vampire symbolism, but I genuinely don’t think they are. Both characters realize that their vampiric nature causes harm to those they love, and this realization leads both characters to self-destruct. Darla by staking herself, and Spike by getting a soul…which also results in his death a season later. Them achieving the ability to make a true moral choice leads directly to them ceasing to exist as soulless vampires.)

To bring this back to Faith, I see something vampiric in the concept of a doppelgänger or foil, the idea of this empty vessel that takes your identity because they have none of their own. Someone whose identity exists only as a reflection of someone else’s. A grasping, black hole of self.

The problem is, a real person can’t be a foil. That’s a literary construct. In real life, seeing yourself as a reflection or extension of someone else just means that you’re afraid of creating your own identity. Maybe for good, understandable reasons, and maybe not. Who Are You? is one of my favorite episodes because it makes this problem explicit. It turns Faith from an abstract foil figure into someone who literally steals Buffy’s identity, and is shown to not have a solid sense of self. I posted earlier about the similarities between Anne and Who Are You?, but I like those similarities not just because they create thematic continuity around identity-related ideas. I like them because there’s this kind of awful, tragic irony to the fact that even Faith’s identity crisis episode uses pieces from Buffy’s arc.

Speaking of using pieces from Buffy’s arc, I also love the way that Buffy’s role in Who Are You? mirrors Faith’s role in season three. Just as Faith threw Buffy’s identity into relief, Buffy now throws Faith’s identity into relief. Being Buffy frees Faith to act in ways she wouldn’t ordinarily let herself, and being treated as Buffy forces Faith to confront whether she actually does or doesn’t want to be treated in those ways. You might say that by fully confronting the ways that she sees herself in terms of Buffy, Faith is able to start moving beyond it. The episode is basically an exorcism of Faith’s foil-ness.

Unfortunately I can’t speak very well to Faith’s arc on Angel since I haven’t seen most of it. Just Five By Five and parts of Sanctuary. But there are a lot of things I like about Faith’s return in season seven. I love that in her introduction she asks whether she’s “the good slayer now”, and when she and Buffy talk in End of Days she tries to pull a “maybe we couldn’t exist at the same time” thing. Because she’s literally talking about herself like she’s a literary device. But by this point she’s also developed enough that it’s only semi-serious; she’s quick to accept Buffy’s point that no, her choices were her own.

I think it’s perfect that season seven includes Faith, because season seven involves Buffy once again grappling with choice, and what it means for her to be the slayer. I think it’s perfect that Faith gets the opportunity to finally understand Buffy’s loneliness, and that the two of them are able to commiserate about being “hot chicks with superpowers.” Because it’s them finally getting to have their slayerness just be something that they have in common. Instead of this big complicated identity thing. It foreshadows Chosen, and the way that being a slayer goes from being something that isolates Buffy, to something that Buffy can share with people. I also really like the reversal of the fact that in Empty Places Faith isn’t the one who wants to take Buffy’s leadership away from her. She no longer wants to take Buffy’s role or Buffy’s friends. Instead it’s everyone else that is determined to perpetuate the idea that only one of them can be in charge, or that Buffy can be replaced. It fits with the way that the season frames isolation as not just a personal problem, but also a social and systemic problem. Even though Faith has grown past many of her issues, that doesn’t mean that the people around her have, or that the fundamentally, systemically solitary nature of being a slayer has changed. See also: Andrew mythologizing Faith’s background, and Caleb calling her the “Cain to [Buffy’s] Abel.” Of course it would be an avatar of the First that tries to get Faith to see herself as an archetype again.

Other things I like: The fact that Faith reveals to Spike that she was in Buffy’s body, because it’s yet another case of her finally owning up to being herself, instead of a reflection of Buffy. The fact that when the night out goes badly in Empty Places, it’s not because of anything that Faith did (that night), the way it was in Bad Girls. The fact that Buffy hands Faith a blade as an expression of trust in Chosen, a reversal of gutting her with a blade in Graduation Day.

Overall I just think it’s a really cool statement on identity that the character who was introduced to give Buffy identity issues, then has to go on her own search for identity. No one in Buffy is exempt from the project of self-creation, least of all the vampires and the doppelgängers. But it’s especially appropriate that Faith go on that journey because she’s a slayer, and slaying is arguably a metaphor for existential striving. It would be weird if she didn’t grow, really. She’s the rare case of the female redemption arc, especially a redemption arc that doesn’t involve her becoming less violent or sexual (or dead) afterwards. Just less unethical about it. She gets to play that role in a more-or-less gender-neutral way, the same way Buffy gets to be a hero in a more-or-less gender-neutral way. Buffy and Faith both start out as archetypes, and both end up humanized in a way that transcends and complicates those archetypes. 

[Your ask didn’t mention Buffy/Faith, but a couple others did, so: as far as Buffy/Faith goes, my feelings are the same as most Buffy pairings, which is that I don’t personally have any investment in it, but I can certainly see the appeal. It sounds like a fun thing to ship. I would’ve been totally on board from a story/character perspective if the show had ever tried to make them non-subtextual. Partly because I’d be on board with anything, as long as it was interesting. But also because I can see it making a lot of storytelling sense, given that Faith’s whole job is to shake up Buffy’s sense of identity.]

[toothpastecanyon]

We Walk Like Humans Do, Chapter 1

The Transcendence has been, on the whole, a good thing for magical creatures... for the ones that walked on two legs and fit in doorways, at least. Lacie has other problems to overcome before she can live in the big city.

Inspired by @marshmellowextract‘s ideas on the TAU Discord.

See most updated version on Archive of Our Own.

________________________________________________________________

               The Transcendence has been, on the whole, a good thing for magical creatures. True, there’s been no shortage of misunderstandings and pro-nat sentiments over the years, but all those centuries of hiding away from humans had been just as harmful.

               Humans are everywhere, after all. Avoiding them means avoiding most places on Earth, holing yourself away in dwindling forests and as-of-yet unexplored cave systems. Some could pass as human and live in their cities, but pre-Transcendence accounts of disguised elves or vampires often spoke of the burden of carrying such an immense secret, the disconnect they felt with any humans they befriended. They could never truly live as themselves.

               For some magical creatures, the Transcendence changed that. The Transcendence let them live freely amongst the humans, let them attend their schools and work alongside them to better the world.

               For some magical creatures, the Transcendence was the single best thing that had ever happened to them.

               For others?

               Well… for the less humanoid ones, they didn’t notice so much of a difference. For Lacie, she was still hanging out in the same old sewers she’d been hatched in.

               After all, when you’re a giant basilisk several bus-lengths long and capable of killing a man with a single glance, there are more obstacles to living in the city than ‘not feeling like you can be true to yourself.’

________________________________________________________________

               A snore rumbles through the depths of London’s sewers. Deep, deep underground, somewhere in a maze of rank-smelling tunnels sloshing with wastewater, there lies a hidden door, and behind that door slumbers a vicious, terrible monster guarding a tome of forbidden knowledge.

               That’s how the treasure hunters always describe Lacie’s home on the forums, and honestly, she finds it a little insulting. They’ll go on and on about how much the place stinks and how loudly she snores; it’s like they expect her to fix it or something, and… no? This is a sewer, it’s going to smell bad. And she needs to sleep, so it’s going to be noisy, too.

               If they’re gonna come down here to try and slay her and steal her shit, the least they can do is stop being so goddamn whiny about it.

               Like, look at these bozos coming in now. Lacie was having such a peaceful nap until they started messing around with the hidden door.

               She cracks a tired eye open, and glares at the sound of their voices.

               “No, it’s this one!” A rock shudders on the wall. “Didn’t you read the riddle? You touch the symbols clockwise!”

               “How did you get clockwise from the riddle? It’s way more complicated than that; the cipher clearly states-”

               “A-B-C-D. Clockwise.”

               “No, that’s- ABCD? Where on earth did you get ABCD?”

               Lacie lets out a rumbling sigh. Incompetent treasure hunters, oh joy. She shifts a little bit on her pile of gold, and waits for them to bumble their way into a solution so she can go back to  sleep.

               “Look, I don’t know how you’re getting ABCD, so why don’t we try my way first, and if mine doesn’t work-”

               “It’s absolutely not going to work.”

               “It will! I took a class in cryptography once, I know how this works.”

               “Ooo, aren’t you special.”

               “Look, just let me work, will you?”

               “Do it fast. Ugh, it smells like death down here.”

               At least it’s more bearable than your voice, Lacie thinks. She snorts at her own joke before hooking her tail around a wooden sign and dragging it in closer. She’ll need this later - quite a while later, most likely, but it’s good to be prepared.

               “That didn’t work?”

               “Of course it didn’t work, you idiot. I’ll open it-”

               “Hey, wait, maybe I did that wrong! Let me try that again!”

               “No, you had your chance!”

               “Just let- hey, get off me!”

               “No, you get off me!”

               “Come on dude, just let me try-”

               After listening to the treasure hunters scuffle and shout at each other for what felt like forever, Lacie hears a click in the door’s opening mechanism. The whole thing starts to rumble and dust loosens from the ceiling as it opens inwards, revealing… well, she doesn’t look at them directly in case they’re dumb enough not to bring basilisk protection, but she makes out two human figures with rifle-shaped sticks, which they immediately point at her face.

               “There it is!” The first man ushers the other back. “Stay behind me!”

               “Stay behind you? Dude, I’m a way better shot.”

               “What? No way, you are not!”

               “I totally am. Don’t you remember back at the range-”

               Lacie lets out a hiss before they can get into another stupid argument. She points the end of her tail at the sign, and it takes them a second to notice.

               “It’s doing something weird.”

               “Quick, let’s shoot it!”

               “No, look, that’s a sign it’s holding!” The second guy peers at the message. “Says ‘Fighting not needed, can’t let you take the physical book but am posting all chapters online at https- wait, you have a website?”

               She nods. A blog, actually.

               “Don’t be stupid.” The other guy gives him a shove. “There’s no way it has a website; this is some sort of trick!”

               “Yeah… yeah, you’re right! Wait, how is it a trick?”

               “Obviously it’s to confuse us and distract us from getting the treasure!” He cocks his rifle. “We have to stay focused! Stay behind me, I’ll get this thing right between the eyes-”

               Lacie finally looks down at the guy. Their gazes meet, the guy’s eyes widen; he yelps and staggers back, dropping his rifle and slapping a hand over his face… but he doesn’t drop dead. A second later, he peeks out behind his fingers.

               “I’m… still alive!” He cackles. “These contact lenses really do work!” Ha! Take that, you dumb lizard!”

               The other guy high fives him. “Yeah, take that! Now let’s kill this thing!”

               Huh, they’re slightly more prepared than she thought. Lacie stares at his smug smile a moment longer, then swings her tail around and dashes both of them against the right wall.

               There are no contact lenses that protect against blunt force trauma. They let out short-lived screams, cut off as soon as their bodies crash against stone; there’s a chorus of splintering cracks, then silence as they crumple to the ground amongst a pile of other shattered skeletons.

               Lacie looks at them now. Listens to all the familiar noises that could be heard in the absence of their voices - the dull roar of running water, the drips that fall from the ceiling and splash in puddles, the tinkling of gold coins as she shifts her weight.

               All the things she could hear, now that they were dead.

               Does she feel bad?

               Eh… sort of.

               She feels... more frustrated than anything else, these days. It’s not like she doesn’t give them a chance to escape, and they are trying to kill her… but still. It’s such a senseless loss of life - especially for such young, stupid humans - and over what? Some useless book?

               She turns and glares at it now, sitting on its little lecturn at the far end of the room. Stupid thing.

               One day, she will be free of it.

               But for now, she’s tired. She lays her head on glittering gold, closes her eyes, and falls asleep to all the quiet, comforting sounds of her home.

               She probably starts snoring, too… fuck, they’ve made her self conscious about it.

________________________________________________________________

               Chapter 7 of Wizard Animago’s Not-So-Secret Spellbook - His Shitty Death Spells and Why They’re Not to Die For, Seriously

               Hey everyone, this is 18Lacie5 back with another chapter overview. I know it’s been a year since I last posted, sorry about that. I’m usually way too tired to work on one of these - the joys of being cold blooded in England. Annnnnyyyyywwwwaaaayyyy, here is the much-anticipated chapter on ol’ Animago’s secret death spells!

               Spoiler alert: it’s gonna disappoint you.

               Now, for anybody new reading this, Sironus Animago was a 19th century English wizard that specialised in the study of animal transmogrification. If you don’t know who he is, that’s because he was a recluse who hated humanity so much he spent half his life trying to turn himself into literally anything else. The only time anybody hears about him is generally in treasure hunting circles, concerning a riddle he left behind for ‘any man worthy enough to learn his secrets.’ It is said that he wrote a spellbook containing all the knowledge he had accumulated over his lifetime, and considered it so dangerous he bound a basilisk into guarding it after his passing.

               Well, I am that basilisk, and I’m here to tell you why Animago’s spellbook is stupid and absolutely not worth dying for.

               This chapter’s an easy one: his death spells suck. Even by pre-Transcendence standards, they suck. He wasn’t the slightest bit interested in offensive magic, and I’m pretty sure he threw these ones in here because hey, every spellbook’s gotta have a spooky scary dark magic section, right?

               Let’s examine the first spell of Chapter 7: ‘Planis fugere a mortalis huius’ (a moment of silence for that Latin.) So ‘fly away from this mortal plane(s?)’ sounds pretty and all, but it’s way too poetic to be a reliable spell. Unlike the standard modern equivalent, which is, you know, just ‘Die’, your magic’s gonna have to figure out a whole lot about this sentence before it puts it into action. Fly away, how? Where are they flying to? What could count as our ‘planis’ here? The ground?

               You see how easily this could result in something like giving your enemy a pair of wings instead of killing them. Great. That’s totally what you’d want to happen in battle, right?

               This issue would have come up immediately in testing, which leads me to believe it was a purely theoretical spell of Animago’s, and not a particularly good one (but hey, at least it’s original this time, right?) As with all of them it does come with the minorly unique addition of alternate pronounciations in five different animal forms, but again, unless you’re turning yourself into a chicken, a dog, a hawk, a bear or a snake on a regular basis, when are you ever going to need this?

               All in all, probably the worst chapter in the entire spellbook, with sloppy, overly complex incantations I’d toss away in a heartbeat if not for the fact that I’ve been bound into protecting them. Next post, we tackle chapter 11: turning your furniture into animals!

               (Because that’s what your couch is missing. Teeth and claws and an ability to run away from you.)

               Do s both a favour, and don’t make me kill you over these shitty spells.

               Curled around her favourite pile of gold, Lacie scrolls down her blog, reading its contents with drooping eyes. She uses her tail to move a laptop’s trackpad, which makes it a little difficult to navigate - the frustration she feels whenever the clicker shoots off in random directions is the main reason she’s still awake - but not as much as one might be expecting, as the laptop is not an ordinary laptop.

               It’s gigantic. The screen is bigger than her, and the top almost scratches against the ceiling. Carefully balanced above the wet stone on four smaller gold piles, the charging port is wired up to a truly massive, glowing purple power strip. It hums with magical energy, charging her laptop as she gets to the end of the blog post.

               ‘Do s both a favour ’... ah, typo. Lacie shoves her mouse in the general direction of the edit button for a few seconds before landing on it; now she clicks, adds a u, and struggles her way back to the main page.

               Fixed. That was totally worth the effort.

               She lets out a snort, which turns into a great big yawn and leaves her head resting on top of the laptop. The metal’s got some warmth to it; she feels that against her cheek, and almost immediately starts struggling to keep her eyes open.

               This was a mistake, she thinks. Come on, she literally just got up! She can’t go right back to sleep!

               Just a little more time… to herself… without any… any humans… she was supposed to... to...

               The distant whoosh of water overhead and the steady hum of the power strip lulls her closer and closer to sleep, and she tries one last time to lift up her eyelids-

               And plop.

               A little water droplet lands right in her eye, and she jumps. Rises up, blinks rapidly - first to get the blurriness out of her vision, then to get rid of the sleepiness already creeping its way back in.

               She shakes her head to clear it. Once she’s mostly awake again, she lets out a triumphant little puff of air: not today, sleep! Not when she’s got shit to do!

               With that, Lacie turns back to her laptop and mouses over to another tab, titled ‘List of Craig’ and next to it, ‘(1)’ for one new message.  She’s been waiting for that (1) to show up - hopefully she hasn’t taken too long to respond back.

               The tab opens after she jabs left click a couple times, revealing a short chatbox:

L at 20:25: [is that double length chalk shipment still available?]

M at 20:35: [yes]

L at 20:36: [would be very interested in buying that, are you are ok with teleswitch methods of payment? you don’t have to wheel it anywhere, just let me know where it is in the house]

               Fifteen whole minutes later at 20:51, there’s the much-anticipated reply:

               [k]

               Lacie reads this, and has a sudden urge to smack her head against the keyboard. With a growl rumbling in her throat, she gets typing

L at 20:52: [okay, where is the shipment in your house? what room? the spell i use needs this.]

               She sends it off… and waits, scowling at the chatbox.

               And waits...

               And waits...

               And is still waiting. Stars, maybe she could’ve taken a nap.

               Speaking of that, her eyelids are starting to droop again. She huffs and shakes her head in a couple quick, flicking movements; that jolts her back awake, and she clicks back to her blog page.

               The latest post on chapter 7 stares back at her. In the dim-lit room, it’s glaring down on her, almost accusingly.

               Next post, it reads, we tackle chapter 11: turning your furniture into animals!

Post updated: less than two minutes ago

Post uploaded: more than two years ago

               Lacie sighs. This is what happens now when she takes a nap.

               Years, they’ve begun to pass her by like nothing . All she remembers of the past two are groggy hazes, half-recalled dreams; the only times she’d wake would be to fend off the occasional treasure hunter, then back to her slumber she’d go, like that was her only purpose in life.

               It didn’t used to be this way. She didn’t used to feel so tired all the time. Why?

               ...She’s getting too big for her home. The magic that sustains her, it isn’t enough anymore.

               That’s got to be the explanation.

               Which means she’s got to get out of here. She’s got to break that damn binding that tethers her to the spellbook…

               Lacie shoots a look at it now. Glares at the stony grey lectern it rests on, and everything piled around the base of that. The wax candles. The incense burners. The unholy artefacts. The tomes upon tomes of academic research, summoning circle references, nonstandard incantation guides…

               She has to break it.

               By any means necessary.

               …

               She’s got a new message from the human.

M at 21:13: [I put it outside for you. Its in the back yard. Your welcome.]

               With an eyeroll, Lacie wraps her tail around the lectern’s pole and brings it in closer. The spellbook slides precariously around the surface it’s resting on, but with a bit of care she places it down in front of her without anything falling off the edges.

               Now, the book - she peers at it now.

               As always, it looks like a mess; its leather binding had been handmade by Wizard Animago himself, but only because the guy was too paranoid to have anybody else do it. He did a sloppy job, and over the centuries it had fallen to pieces until the only thing holding it together anymore was a couple remaining strings and a headache-inducing cocktail of protection charms.

               For Lacie, it’s tiny, making it incredibly hard to flip through. She can’t help but wonder if it had seemed this tiny the last time she’d opened it… maybe she’d grown a little bigger since then.

               Stuffing that thought down, she keeps flipping; past Chapter 2 on transfiguration, past Chapter 3 on general transmutation, Chapter 4 on alchemy… Chapter 5, there it is.

               And bingo bongo, there’s the spell she wants: ‘Sironus Animago’s Telekinetic Switch’... and Lacie can’t help but snort at that name, because it isn’t actually a spell he invented.

               Like many less-than-reputable wizards of his time, he had a habit of stealing spells from contemporaries in other fields of magic, slapping his name in front of them and trying to pass them off as his own to pad out the number of chapters in his spellbook.

               (The internet was a terrible invention for guys like him. Lacie had a lot of fun ripping into this practice when she wrote about Chapter 5.)

               Anyway, while she could find the original spell anywhere on the internet, there is something Animago added to every entry he wrote down in his book - that something is off to the far right, almost obscured by the yellowing and curling of the page.

               Here, next to five simple illustrations of a chicken, a dog, a hawk, a bear, and a snake, are the alternate pronounciations of the spell.

               Lacie squints at the last line - her mouth moves as she refamiliarises herself with the incantation - then she nods to herself, and scoops up a generous portion of gold coins, and closes her eyes.

               Pictures a backyard, with a crate full of summoning chalk, just waiting for her to pick them up.

               And with that in mind, she speaks.

               Not in words. Not in a language. She speaks in hisses and spits, in a string of meaningless noises that fit better in her mouth than any human tongue. At the end of it, though, that specific arrangement of sounds triggers an enchantment, which triggers the telekinetic switch.

               The coins in her grasp blink out of existence. A second later, they’re replaced by a crate of summoning chalk. It rattles when she picks it up; the sound echoes around her room until she puts it down by the rest of her demon supplies.

               There’s a lot piled up there now, Lacie thinks. Enough to summon a demon, and at that, she grimaces. Suppresses a yawn.

               She’d better get on with it, then.

________________________________________________________________

               Lacie is starting to think that maybe demons don’t design their summoning rituals with basilisks in mind.

               She’s cleared a space in her room for the circle - has shrunk her laptop back down to normal size with one of Animago’s spells - and now that it’s time to draw the thing, she’s encountered a problem.

               Have you ever tried to draw a chalk circle on wet stone tiles? Have you ever tried to do it without hands?

               It is, in a word, difficult.

               Fortunately, she’d seen this issue coming from day one. She bought a shape template from some website selling school supplies, and blew it up with the same sizing spell she uses on her laptop. She put that over a stone slab she pulled off a drier part of the wall, traced the circle, and voila! A summoning circle.

               (She still needed to decorate it, but she’d rather intentionally chosen a demon with a simpler design. It didn’t take too long to replicate, all things considered.)

               Now onto the candles. To Lacie’s eternal disappointment, there’s no spell on the books for fire, or heat, or anything like that; she has to get creative. While rifling through the backpacks of some ex-treasure hunters, she comes across a portable gas cooker. The ignition is a simple switch she can flip - tick tick tick fwoom , it goes, then fire.

               She keeps that close to her, ready to use.

               After that… The incantation. She physically can’t pronounce the Latin chants needed to perform a sufficiently compelling summoning, which is a big problem. Most powerful demons - ones powerful enough to break bindings - tend to be rather picky about how they’re summoned. Unless it’s done exactly right, they won’t bother showing up for her.

               She needs a demon that’ll be a little more forgiving, and after pouring through textbooks, how-to guides, summoning lists, there’s only one name that seems to fit the bill.

               Lacie lights the candles, one by one, and watches as the circle of Alcor the Dreambender begins to glow.

               Strange things begin to happen. Shadows lengthen. The air gets colder - she feels that like a punch in the gut. In the centre of the chalk lines, a wispy black smoke forms, and golden eyes open from within the darkness.

               Those eyes… Lacie isn’t used to being scared of things, but she stares into those eyes and knows, suddenly, definitively, that she isn’t the monster in the room anymore.

               They turn to look at her now, and-

               “Ow!” The void-black being winces back, rubbing its forehead. “What the heck? It’s like a migraine… what is this?”

               She blinks. Huh, her stare works on demons. They didn’t mention that the summoning guides.

               The demon’s straightening again. “Is this a binding? Because guys, I’m gonna be real annoyed if you tried… to… to bind me with..? Guys?”

               It looks around the circle in confusion… then up, up, following the line of her body to meet her eyes again.

               “Oh.” It gives a hard blink. “Ow, okay. You know you’re supposed to give me a sacrifice before you sic me on the big scary snake monster, right?”

               Shit, it doesn’t see the sign. She holds it up higher.

               “Like, at least a little bit of candy for starters, y’know? Just to be like ‘Hey, I appreciate you for coming all this way’ and I’ll be like ‘Thanks! Now I actually feel motivated to save you from-’” It notices the sign, and pauses. “Um. Hang on a second, I’m missing something.”

               Lacie watches the demon read over the sign: BOUND TO SPELLBOOK, it reads, DEAL TO BREAK BINDING IN EXCHANGE FOR HUMAN SACRIFICES? Its glowing eyes steadily widen, and it glances back up at her.

               “Wait, you summoned- agh!” It blocks her stare with a hand. “You summoned me?”

               She nods.

               “Okay, that’s… new. What did you want again… spellbook... break binding to spellbook- human sacrifice?” Its eyes narrow. “Where are these humans you’re talking about?”

               Putting down the sign, she points at the pile next to the door. Most of them are bones by now, but hey, apparently some demons like that. She watches this one inspect them.

               “Oh, they’re… not fresh. Where did they all come fr- ow ! Okay, please stop with the staring, that’s not gonna work for me!” When she obligingly averts her gaze, he lets out a sigh. “Thank you. Now, uh, I kinda wanna know where you got all these bones from?”

               He sounds way more bothered about that than Lacie thought he would. A little panic fluttering in her chest, she flips the sign over and grabs her carving rock.

               “What are you…? Oh, you can’t talk, can you. Alright.” It shuffles its feet. “You wanted me to break a binding… I can see it now. Connected to that book over there?”

               Out of the corner of her eye, she watches Alcor float closer to it. Closer, closer, too close - it tiggers something in her, and she has to stop writing to block it with her tail. Has to let out a hiss at the literal demon; thank the stars its eyes widen in understanding instead of darkening in anger.

               “Oh, you’ve been bound to guard it,” it says, stepping back. “I see. Sorry. So, those bones - they’re from people who tried to take it, right?”

               Thank the stars again that it realises, because she isn’t even halfway done with the message. She nods.

               “That makes sense. Wow, that must be some important spellbook you’re guarding, huh?”

               An important spellbook - Lacie can’t muffle a snort as she shakes her head. Alcor laughs too, though he sounds a little bit uncomfortable.

               “Oh, that, that’s gotta suck. I’m sorry, uh… What’s your name? If you have one- oh stars what am I saying, ‘if you have one’ that sounds so rude -”

               With another snort, she points at a welcome mat she’s carved just in front of the hidden door.

               “‘Welcome to Lacie’s home. You found the way in, now’ - heh - ‘find the way out.’ I like that, it’s funny!” He grins up at her. “I guess these guys didn’t- ow . Agh, sorry, I was gonna say, I guess these guys didn’t see the sign when they came in, huh?”

               A head shake; they did not. They certainly didn’t laugh at it either.

               (To be fair, they were generally too busy gaping at the giant basilisk in the room to give an opinion on her decorations, but it was nice to finally get a little validation. She is funny sometimes, isn’t she?)

               “Didn’t think so.” Alcor straightens his cufflinks. “Well, Lacie, while I don’t think I can technically count this as a human sacrifice, it should still be more than enough to break any basic bond. So ,”

               She watches him extend a hand wreathed in blue fire, hears him speak with a voice that brings back a little of that initial fear, reminds her that as friendly as he may seem…

               “D̵̜͍͖̘o̱͖̙̰̪̥̹͜ w̹͖̝̩͢e ̵̲͓̖h͇̹͖̞̦̠̮͘a̤̰v̹͔͚̭̦͜e̻ ̻̘̭̫a̩ ͈̳̯̯̰̣̪d̕e͇̪͍̜̻̪͘a̙̻̬̦͔ͅl̲̝͓͔?”

               She’s still dealing with a demon.

               “Wait, uh… you don’t have to shake.” He retracts his hand, demonic reverb gone as suddenly as it showed up, but the memory of it is hard to shake. “You can just, you know, nod or something, that’s fine.”

               Lacie thinks hard on that for a moment. She glances back at the spellbook, the stupid, useless spellbook she’s been bound to, sitting on a lecturn in a room she’s been trapped in her whole life, a room that’s getting smaller and smaller as the years go by.

               She’s outgrown this, she thinks. It’s time to move on.

               “Hang on a second.”

               Alcor’s voice makes her turn. He’s closed his eyes, and there’s a frown on his face that Lacie doesn’t like the look of. She leans in closer, listening to him mutter to himself.

               “This isn’t- now how did he do this…? Oh. Oh , that’s not… dammit, that’s not good.” He opens his eyes. “Uh, Lacie? Got some bad news: I, uh, can’t break the binding.”

               ...What? Why not?

               She blinks, watches him struggle to explain.

               “I-I mean I can, technically! But not with this deal - not that I don’t want to help you, but… it’s complicated. Demon deals are complicated, there’s got to be a give and a take and it sucks, it’s...”

               She watches him sigh. Frowns, as he looks away.

               “Look, uh, I was going on the impression that this was a simple guardian bond, but it’s not. I didn’t think - you know, you were laughing when I said it was an important spellbook or something - I didn’t think it was gonna be some high-level magic… but it is.” He clenches his fists. “He’s managed to bind it to your soul , and that gets tricky for demons. There’s got to be a give and a take, right? And if I give a soul freedom…”

               … he has to take another’s , Lacie thinks, and narrows her eyes. Is this heading where she thinks this is heading?

               “I have to take freedom too, which… well, you don’t feel like selling your soul to me, do you?”

               No no no, that’s the one thing all the manuals said never ever to do! She shakes her head vigourously, and he gives a quiet chuckle.

               “Yeah, didn’t think so… I really did want to help you with the binding, but I can’t. Not without enough payment in return.” The most powerful demon in the world just shrugs helplessly. “I’m sorry. It’s a stupid rule and I’m always trying to bend it if I can, but I can’t outright break it.”

               Lacie looks back at the spellbook. She knows a thing or two about stupid rules she can’t break. She really can’t, apparently.

               Apparently, she’s going to be stuck with this thing for the rest of her life. Well. This… this sucks.

               What is she going to do now?

               “Um, listen,” Alcor clears his throat. “I can’t- uh, I may not be able to break the binding, but if there’s anything else I can do… well, you’ve got a lot of stuff you can sacrifice to me, I can probably do just about anything - anything that’s not soul-related, anyway.”

               Lacie blinks. Just about anything... she could still get out of this room before it starves her. Yes, if he was able to teleport both her and the book outside-

               But what would she do after that? The book’s tiny ; she’d need some way to lug it around, and she’d need to do that while finding food for herself, and oh stars all the guides on demon deals were screaming at her to be specific right now-

               “Do you need some time to decide?”

               She looks down at Alcor, and nods. He floats back towards the summoning circle.

               “Alright, well, call me up again when you’ve got a deal in mind...” Glancing around the circle, at the crispy candles and the shaky drawings of his symbols, he blinks, then he glances back at her. “Uh… how long did this take you to do?”

               A while, Lacie thinks, and snorts. He seems to get the message.

               “Right, well, I’ll leave my calling card with you, so you don’t have to do that all over again.” He fishes the card out of his pocket; somehow, it comes out almost as big as him. “When you’re ready to make a deal, just prick your fing… uh, just hold it, okay? I’ll keep an eye out for you.”

               She takes it, and nods. Tries for a smile, like the humans do to show gratitude.

               “What are you-? Ow.” He squints away from her stare. “Um, well, it was nice meeting you, Lacie! I’m sorry I couldn’t help more.”

               Alcor seems like he wants to say more, but after a moment of hesitation he gives a quick wave and disappears in a puff of smoke. The candles go out with him - remembering the sheer effort it took to light them in the first place, she cringes at that.

               Well, at least she doesn’t have to summon him again. She looks from the smoke wisping off the wicks, down to the business card in her grasp.

               It’s glossy and black; on one side, there’s a white circle around Alcor’s golden symbol; presumably that’s the place you’re supposed to prick your finger on. There’s a little note up top that says, ‘Need help? Summon Alcor the Dreambender today!’ and she snorts at that.

               What a strange little creature… strangely endearing. She can hear how crazy she sounds thinking about it, but that demon was actually kind of a decent guy? She isn’t about to go selling her soul to him any time soon, but it felt like he genuinely wanted to help and that’s… refreshing.

               It’s certainly a change of pace from the treasure hunters she usually encounters.

               With that in mind, Lacie grips the card. It feels sturdier than it looks, but she still takes care tucking it underneath her. Once she’s done that, she turns back to face the circle again.

               She sighs. Blinks, slowly. After something like that, all she wants to do is take a nice long nap, but...

               Well, she’d better get cracking with that deal.

________________________________________________________________

Showing comments for Chapter 7 of Wizard Animago’s Not-So-Secret Spellbook - His Shitty Death Spells and Why They’re Not to Die For, Seriously

EdgyTwedgy666: [fake lol]

               Sometimes, Lacie really doesn’t like humanity. She likes reading their writings, she likes looking at the photos they take of their world, she even likes the occasional specific human, but as a whole?

Rey_hunter: [can you tell me how to solve animagos riddle?? plz]

JarrSlayer8: [I dont get it. Author keeps calling himself a battlisk? Is this a joke account, because he needs to say its a joke so people don’t get confused.]

Foundit_56: [hehe nice try dude… im coming for that spellbook even if your to scared to…]

               If this is what humans are like, she can understand why Animago hated being one so much. I mean seriously, she’s telling people what’s in the spellbook so they’ll leave her alone, and these are the kind of comments she gets?

Pyrocandro: [ummm, you know planis fugere a mortalis huius doesn’t translate to fly away from this mortal plane right? It looks more like go away to me… jus sayin. Maybe you should take a latin class? ;)]

               Lacie narrows her eyes.

               Maybe the non-treasure hunting humans are nicer.

               Maybe up on the surface, humans are actually cool and not smugly correcting her Latin on every post.

               Maybe, but it’s a shame a human trapped her down here to guard his shitty book, so she might never find out.

               A sigh, long and tired. She’s been brainstorming deals ever since Alcor left, but with her still lugging around the spellbook they all seemed… unfeasible. The thing is falling apart already - how’s she supposed to keep it safe out there? Call it a lack of imagination, but she’s exhausted and the only thing she can think of is to keep holing up in her room, ask Alcor to boost the energy of Animago’s old sustaining spells so it can support her again.

               That would work. It would, but it feels…

               Lacie grimaces.

               It feels like there’s more than this. There’s a whole world out there beyond her room, beyond guarding some spellbook; she’s been looking at it ever since she took a laptop off a treasure hunter’s body. She’s been looking, she’s been reading, she’s been writing, and, just as she was about to make that deal with Alcor, she suddenly realised she’s been wanting .

               Wanting to go out there. Wanting to explore, wanting to leave this place. She’s outgrown it, in more ways than one, and now the thought of staying here, forever...

               It feels like she’ll regret not making a better deal when she had the chance.

               But what is a better deal? Maybe she’s just too tired to think, but her mind is blank and now she’s just scrolling through stupid human comments, thinking this is what I’ll have to deal with for the rest of my life...

woodzarcor4lyfe: [how does a bastlisk type lol theyve got no arms]

               Oh, god. Oh, no.

SheldonHunts: [Actually, basilisks are classified as supernatural BEASTS instead of supernatural BEINGS. They’re non-sentient, so I’m preeetty sure you’re not a basilisk dude... cool post tho, was fun to read :)]

               Fucking. Humans. Why are they like this?

Epicbl00dhound: [looooool i bet there’s so many dumbasses in the comments fallin for this………. your not a bastlicks buddy i bet you made this up to feel special………  i bet your just some guy in your moms basement pretending…… dont pretend cuz humans are THE BEST we beat all other spacies (watch pronatpat he has the TRUTH) so get out of there….. be a human!]

               Ugggghhhhhhhh, why is this her life? Why can’t she-

               Wait.

               Lacie reads that last comment again. Through all the weird grammar and the pro-nat grossness and everything else she doesn’t even want to unpack… it’s giving her an idea.

               Be a human...

               A strange, strange idea - but it might just actually work.

[eddycurrents]

Hellboy in Mexico: “Hellboy in Mexico”

Words: Mike Mignola | Art: Richard Corben | Colours: Dave Stewart | Letters: Clem Robins

Originally published by Dark Horse in Hellboy in Mexico | May 2010

Collected in Hellboy in Mexico | Hellboy - Volume 11: The Bride of Hell & Others | Hellboy Library Edition - Volume 6 | Hellboy: Complete Short Stories - Volume 1

Plot Summary:

In 1982, following a mission in Mexico, Abe and Hellboy hang out in a derelict gas station while waiting for pick up. Abe discovers old photos of Hellboy with a trio of luchadores, which leads to a story of HB’s Mexican “vacation” in 1956, full of wrestling, drinking, and vampires.

NOTE:

“Hellboy in Mexico or, A Drunken Blur” was previously collected in The Bride of Hell & Others. You can read my full notes and thoughts on it here.

Hellboy in Mexico: “Hellboy versus the Aztec Mummy”

Words & Art: Mike Mignola | Colours: Dave Stewart | Letters: Clem Robins

Originally published by Dark Horse in Dark Horse Presents #7 | December 2011

Collected in Hellboy in Mexico | Hellboy: Complete Short Stories - Volume 1

Plot Summary:

Amid Hellboy’s “lost summer” in 1956 in Mexico, he comes across an Aztec mummy that can turn into a bat. Wacky hijinks ensue.

Reading Notes:

(Note: Pagination is solely in reference to the story itself and is not indicative of anything found within the issue or collections.)

pg. 1 - There are three main things that I love about this page. First: The opening narration of the impossibility of telling whether or not the events are true, followed swiftly by the hilarious statement of a luchador that it’s all true.

Second: I love the overall format for the short stories with their title cards. There’s just something about it that puts me in a happy headspace.

Third: The silent open on Hellboy. Then a progression through smaller panels as he sees his target and goes for his gun. Great visual storytelling.

pg. 2 - Of course, being a Hellboy story, the confrontation can’t be simple. As his target turns into a bat and the fight becomes kind of...awkward.

pg. 3 - And humorous. It never ceases to amaze me how much humour is worked into these stories and it feels perfect without ruining the more serious elements.

pg. 4 - Creepy bleeding Christ.

pg. 5 - That humour comes through again here as the bat reveals who he is, simply through bragging about bringing his people corn. Sure, it’s part of the myth, but it’s still hilarious.

pg. 6 - I also love that this is more complicated than just an Aztec mummy with a headdress that can turn into a bat. It’s a snake inside the head of an Aztec mummy with a headdress that can turn into a bat, that when freed from the skull of the Aztec mummy can become...

pg. 7 - ...a spooky god.

pg. 8 - With a wonderful explanation of what probably just happened, while Hellboy goes back on his bender.

Final Thoughts:

It’s always a treat to get Mignola art at this stage of the game. This story recaptures the feel and style of many of the original Hellboy short stories, working in myths, the documentary feel of experts giving expository speeches about the subjects, and incredible action, but also contributes to the larger picture of how these deities fit into the broader Hellboy universe’s scheme of things. 

From O’Donnell we get the statement that the gods were Ogdru Hem spirits, which works to help recategorize how some of the world works with information that developed later. Like what we’ve been seeing with Frankenstein Underground and BPRD: Hell on Earth - Metamorphosis just in the past two readings, there’s a definite concerted effort in these stories to unify the narrative in fairly complex and inventive ways.

d. emerson eddy has never had a “lost summer” in Mexico. He did lose a stuffed luchabear there once, though. It was very sad.

[popculturespiritwow]

THE WICKED + THE DIVINE: 1923 AD AKA A WORK OF ART(IFICE)

This issue is the Peakiest of Peak Gillen -- Gillen to the Power of Peak to the Power of Peak, if you will, #MathisCool. It’s a comic book masterpiece of research, reference and storytelling and I’ve been so daunted at attempting to comment on that it’s taken me months to make the attempt. You only climb Everest once, people!  (Shut your mouth, Nat Geo.)

WAGNER VERSUS WARHOL, FIGHT!

In format the issue involves a back and forth conversation/rap battle between high and low art. On the one hand, we have novelistic chapters rich with description. “The island looked like a threat, a fist of rock that had forced its way through the waves.” The island and Ananke both...

Then we cut to what at first glance seems like your standard comic book, but in fact is actually a riff on the early days of film, complete with title cards (which themselves get so silly the font might as well be comic sans #IllBeHereAllWeek) and everything shot in a wash of black, white and brown, except for the splashes of red at the scenes of death—victims’ blood, Lucifer’s apple, and my favorite, the red seaweed around Neptune.

Love that red seaweed.

The heart of the plot follows a similar back and forth, as the elitist “classic” artists, the TS Eliot/Ezra Pounds and Ginny Woolf-ish-types of the Pantheon, want to kill the more popular art types, the Shirley Temples and Buster Keatons and Robert Johnstons, to initiate a nightmare scenario that will supposedly give them control over the zeitgeist of the future. It’s an incredibly disturbing take on some of the giants of the early 20th century -- and one Gillen found based in fact.

It’s fascinating, too, for as much as the real object of venom is the truly popular artists, the movie star types with their simplistic narratives and opium for the masses, the elitists focus on killing figures who from our perspective sit far closer to them – Lucifer (F. Scott Fitzgerald), Poseidon (Ernest Hemingway), Dionysius (Pablo Picasso) and the Morrigan (James Joyce). I wonder if it’s something about the chaos those specific figures represent, the way that their particular forms of art end up undermining not only the structures but internal belief system of the modern world. If Baal-Et-Al’s idea is to work with Joe Goebbels to coopt pop culture for their own We Will Keep Control project, in a sense a Picasso or Joyce was doing the reverse, presenting in the formats of the elites only to deconstruct their validity. (Gillen’s notes on the Morrigan point in this direction. Also, his description of Set as coming off “a little like Tahani from The Good Place made me laugh out loud.)

In the end our good guys will stop the bad using their own popular media, film from a train, which was in real life the very first motion picture, and terrified people back in the day for exactly the reason that they feared the train was real and was going to leap off the screen and kill them all. 

Writing perfection.

HISTORY IN REPETITION AND RHYME

As we’ve seen throughout these specials, we get lots of echoes between periods here. Lucifer is once again the first one killed, the Morrigan is once again a character all about voice and drama (I love his self-narration so much, please sir can I have a spin-off?), the Norns are still trying to figure everything out, Susanoo=Dandy Baphomet, complete with his own complicated dating relationship (those rings made out of light, though, such a pristine beauty of a moment that Baph never gets), and Woden is once again a gross racist hack misogynist -- that submarine has got to be phallic, right? -- who has stolen his tech powers from someone else to produce content that is entirely derivative while secretly playing the gods and being used by Ananke.

There is also another mechanical creature, “Little Brother”, which we see only for a few panels, and that is not nearly enough because it is an adorable looking flying squid. (SCREW YOU BABY SHARK, BABY FLYING SQUID IS EVERYTHING.) Ananke also works from her standard playbook here, the Prometheus Gambit – you can gain some life if you kill others, which Baal et al will then use for bat#!% crazy purposes, which of course is also part of her plan.

And Minerva is also once again a child who seems maybe to be working with Ananke. It’s clear right from the start that the whole Shirley Temple schtick, lots of Yays and Gollys, is just an act, part of her “character”. And we get a glimpse of the real her again at the end.

That doesn’t have to mean she’s in league with Ananke. (Just read the next arc; she’s totally in league with Ananke.) But she also comes to know what happened to Verdandi, when she wasn’t with the group that discovered him. (Dude: She’s totally in league with Ananke.) And it gives her an excuse to leave Morrigan at precisely the right moment for him to get murdered by Ananke. (Yes, exactly, because she’s in league with Ananke.) And she will kill Set herself without a second thought; it’s all still just hint and innuendo (UGH NO IT’S NOT STOP), but given what we’ve just learned in the present day that’s all we need for now.

Meanwhile Baal is in some ways the opposite of ours, a racist white elitist who dismisses James Baldwin-type Amon-Re as incapable of being an artist given his “nature”, and Set is her own thing too, a snobby name-dropping Virginia Woolf.  Most intriguingly, the Norns have internal divisions that break them down, which make me worry a little bit for Cassandra and her friends. 

Best take care of your family, Cassie. Remember, in #WicDiv no one is just a sidekick…

CREATURE(S) IN EBONY This is the second special where the Fall of the Gods involves the introduction of a new being created by the gods by way of a classic Ananke “Definitely Don’t Do This (wink wink)”.  In 1831, Lucifer and Morrigan resurrect Hades to create an energy vampire that after killing them merged with Woden Shelley to create Steam Punk Elsa. This time the being – again a woman – is described as “looking like some ancient ancestor of the Metropolitans, but made of living poetry and bleak lightning rather than simple metal.” Which sounds an awful like the 1831 Creature.

She also emerged from “an ebony luminescence with streaks of blue beyond blue”, which again, sounds a lot like Mary Shelley Elsa Frankenstein.

Almost 92 years later we’ve heard nothing from her. But Kieron never forgets anything, INCLUDING YOUR BIRTHDAY, SO WATCH OUT. What could this all possibly mean…

ANANKIERON CHRISTIE

For me the most interesting element of 1923, though, is everything to do with Ananke. We come into the special, like the last two, knowing she is our Big Bad (probably, I don’t know you guys, I think in the next arc Kieron’s going to make me feel bad for her and I don’t want to). (No worries, he didn’t, or did he, wait, there are two Anankes now, I don’t know, what?)

But here for the first time we enter into the story alongside her. In fact, in that very first shot it almost seems like she’s looking right at us.  

Time’s running out, she’s got to get to the murder-y and behead-yness stat, and this time we get to watch her do it. Awesome!

It’s almost like we’re partners in the exercise, even; right before they’re about to go in for dinner and discover Lucifer Ananke seems to stop and look at us again.

Us and the millennia-old serial killer of children--High fives all around!

For the last 30+ issues I’ve been asking why Ananke is she always wearing a mask, and now finally I get it: just like the Pantheon, she is an actor giving a performance.

Here specifically she presents herself as a classic Agatha Christie protagonist, finding herself along with everyone else in the Remote Place version of a locked room murder mystery and slowly working to uncover the truth of what’s going on while others continue to die. And Then There Was Fun!

Except in fact Ananke is not The Marple but Christie herself, author of the entire series of events that happen, which makes this to my mind pretty much the greatest Christie story ever, and also reinforces the belief of All of Us that Jessica Beatrice Fletcher is the Greatest Fictional Serial Killer that Ever Lived.  

But wait, though. Doesn’t that make Ananke basically…a writer? Like um, this guy…?

But that’s crazy. We’ve spent the last five years with him. He’s fine.

I mean yes, both he and Ananke fashion fictional Big Bads (Note: this issue has absolutely no trace nor mention of a Great Darkness, despite the fact that this entire Pantheon has been around almost to their Use By) and also Ways to Save the World which motivate the characters down paths which lead to their eventual destructions.

And okay, true, in this issue Kieron does spotlight/ridicule parts of the storytelling mechanic, the machines characters are always trying to find/build/repair as nonsense. 

Such rituals are actually simple. It is about will and art. The machines…in my experience, they are little more than props. All that matters is your action and intent. They killed so the world would die. You die so the world can live.

But still, if we were to accept that Ananke is Just Kieron’s, er, Mask, then it’s like this whole time he’s been the one doing terrible things to all these characters, including the characters that he made me want to love.

And then this question which I’ve been chewing on since 455 AD, whether the characters can ever be free of the roles they’ve been assigned, in a sense becomes a question about whether they can ever escape not Her but Him…

Or what about us? The Audience. The ones that Jamie and Kieron and the others are creating this for.

This isn’t And Then There Were None, is it? No, this is Temple of Doom. Kieron may be Mola Ram, but I’m the Ever-Hungry, Never-Satisfied G--D-- Kali.

All along, Kieron has thrown in these moments where we get glimpses of the broader world, the way it feeds on the Pantheon. And I can get to the end of 1923 AD and say there’s a fascinating battle going on here about the ethics and/or violence of being a writer. But maybe there are also deeper questions being asked of me as a reader.

Maybe the issue begins with Ananke looking at me like that for a reason.

STOP IT, ANANKE. YOU’RE MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE. LOOK AWAY.

WORLD WARS, IRL AND URL A last point: 1923 AD is unusual for the degree to which it is haunted by something external, aka war. Even as the story takes place in the effervescent champagne bubble oasis of the Roaring 20s, both the nightmare that was World War I and the possibility of another war which is somehow impossibly much much worse than it hangs over the characters. That’s an insightful take on the period, but also an awe-full twist on the sense of doom that we’ve witnessed in the 21st century Pantheon, their own personal oncoming catastrophes expanded to the scale of disaster for the whole world.

It makes me wonder whether the last act of The Wicked + The Divine will involve something of a similar scale, whether the underlying momentum of the book has not always been toward the culture of celebrity, insofar as it engenders adoration, mob-think and a lack of fundamental care for and curiosity in one another, as sign of our own massive social crisis. (See: Brexit. Trump. The Fights My Dad Gets in on Facebook.)

Are we doomed? Do I still have time to tweet a thread about it? I really think it could make a difference, you guys.

[compo67]

nature boy

listening to Nat King Cole to wind down today. but also because i’m using this song in my patreon fic. 

CN: health issues, cancer, tumors

let’s start off with the bad news.

to quote my specialists, my liver is “burdened with disease.” 

the original tumors haven’t grown a significant amount, but there are new ones and some that are starting to press against my gallbladder 

burdened with disease sounds like a vampire band 

anyway

my options are not fun

i can A) do nothing, as in, wait and see

B) opt to have them operate, snip blood vessels near the largest tumors, and hope that this helps

C) opt for surgery that’s called extended right liver surgery, which means they’d take out the entire right portion of my liver (75%) and hope that the remaining left lobe can regenerate well enough

D) last resort: liver transplant

what’d i tell ya? not fun

seems like they’re leaning towards C

it’d be an 8 hour surgery with a whole lotta risks during and after, then 2 nights in the ICU, then 4 days in the hospital, then 6 weeks of recovery time, plus lots of immunosuppressants 

however, even if my liver regenerates correctly, there’s still always the possibility that tumors can pop back up

and even with a liver transplant, there’s still the possibility that tumors could pop up

if i wait and see, one of the larger tumors could rupture and cause internal bleeding

one of them ruptured back in february, but it was a small one, so not much bleeding

the longer we wait, the larger they have the chance of growing

the docs are presenting my case to a conference of their colleagues on thursday, and i will know their decision on friday

it’s very odd because i don’t... feel sick

i’m not jaundiced 

but like i have this life threatening thing going on???

where i’m gonna need extremely complicated high risk surgery for sooner rather than later??? 

and if they do say, “surgery is best now,” then i can’t start grad school in august.

and you know what happened the last time i tried to go to grad school?

i got cancer.

so it’s like.

the universe really really doesn’t want me to go

i’m trying to think of things like hey, 6 weeks off, think of all the time i’ll be able to write fic!

but the docs said i’ll spend those 6 weeks extremely tired and weak

yaaaaaay

guys

i am going to try to be positive and bad ass etc about this tomorrow through friday

but right now it’s like

scary things are happening and there are a lot of risks and you could actually die from either the thing or the thing to help the thing

no one has any idea what caused these tumors

or why they chose my liver

but you know what sucks

is that i still have so much to do

i don’t mean that entirely in a ‘i’m too young to die’ kind of way

i mean it more in a i just JUST got to a place where meds and treatment were starting to work for my fibro/RA/sjogrens/EDS/PTSD where i wasn’t in constant pain all over

i JUST started to feel strong again

after i had cancer, it took me YEARS to recover, despite being in remission, and it just

it does something to you, living through shit like this

even though i’m grateful to be alive to live through shit like this

i thought i was turning a corner

feels like i just slammed into a wall

sigh

thank you for listening