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thedreadvampy · 4 months

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sometimes I forget that my experience has been. um. not 'your experiences are not universal' vibes but more like 'your experiences are EXTREMELY atypical'

#red said #recent events have reminded me that my life has involved like. a LOT of other people's psychosis #like not in a way where i have been Beset By Terrifying Crazies bc that's not like. a thing.#but a lot of people in my life have had a lot of really severe psychotic episodes #and i FORGET sometimes. that actually that is an Unusual Amount Of Experience With Psychosis for someone who's not #for somebody who has not really personally ever had psychotic episodes (unless severe PTSD flashbacks count)#actually i tell a lie i have maybe had One psychotic episode but because it was very situational and i knew what was happening #i was able to ride it out. because i am literally only psychotic Inside Hospitals and so that's all fine #as long as i LITERALLY NEVER HAVE TO HAVE INPATIENT CARE. Very important to me to never ever ever require surgery i think.#i can handle the amount of psychosis i get from a 1-4 hour stopoff in hospital #as long as i know I'm leaving soon then i can just Cope with the fact that the walls are moving and reality is thin #ANYWAY that's not the point the point is i forget! that most ppl i know have experience of at most a handful of severe psychotic episodes #some people i know have experienced more for sure. especially if the episodes were mostly theirs.#but people really seem to expect me to be more freaked out by their symptoms of psychosis than i am #bc i don't think i really register it as frightening unless they're in actual danger or Currently Aggressing Actually At Me #like i WORRY about them bc it can super suck but it's not SHOCKING or WEIRD #there have definitely been times ive been frightened. one time i woke up in the night and my friend was standing over me with a knife #but also like he was still HIM he was just having a moment. and as soon as i got the knife off him he just came back and broke down.#and we were fine and he was safe and i learnt the valuable lesson that even when people seem like they wanna kill you they probably don't #tbf now I'm thinking about it it's honestly a tossup whether he was there to threaten or because he felt a need to guard us #like to be clear probably don't try and take a knife off someone having a psychotic break. i was 17 and it was 3am and i knew him very well #i probably did not make the smartest call but nobody got hurt is the point #anyway you know there's that kind of psychotic episode and my granny got very violently angry a few times. buuuut you know there's also #been plenty of other times I've been with somebody having an episode and it's been chill as hell.#my ex saw and heard monsters so much that eventually she just got sick of being scared. we used to watch TV with them #i would sometimes have to sit on a bit of sofa that wasn't haunted and we might not be able to watch certain things bc they didn't like it #most of the time she was hallucinating there was absolutely nothing to worry about we just had a few extra variables #honestly of everyone i know who's had psychotic episodes or schizophrenia the amount of times it's been a material risk #is like. low single figures? maybe low double if you include self harm but idk what the cause and effect is there.#idk why you would need to be frightened like 99.99% of the time it truly is usually just Oh No That Seems Distressing For You I'm Sorry

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fox-guardian · 10 months

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life pro tip: buy miniature cookware. it saves space and a lot of mini appliances come with little recipe books as well. if it's too small to cook a filling meal in one go, simply prep your ingredients so you can make more servings more quickly. i.e. mini waffle maker makes too-tiny waffles?? you will have excess batter just make more. tiny skillet makes too-small portions?? set your chicken and spices or whatever you have aside and make more servings. plus your next serving is freshly cooked oooo. mini baking stuff?? make another batch babyyyy that's half of baking anyway

*DISCLAIMER: this user keeps buying mini cookware because its cute and is also currently fantasizing about living independently and is Coping. life pro tip may not be effective for all readers.

#ramblings with major #i just needed to get this out of my system lol #i bought a mini breadpan springpan and rolling pin set from the halloween section of my local grocery store. the pin is orange with bats.#i love it and i still need to make tiny bread with it #i also have. mini skillet. a separate mini cast iron skillet in the shape of a heart. and mini waffle maker #y'all don't understand those waffle makers come in so many colors and shapes of waffles #they have YELLOW HONEYCOMB. i NEED IT.#AND THEY'RE ALL LESS THAN $20. SOMETIMES CHEAPER.#i also have too many cookie cutters but that's unrelated #im gonna be so set on cookware when i move out #i hope my parents still have that cute microwave we had for a while....#i say as if i'm planning to move out anytime soon #ANYWAY mini cookware we love mini cookware in this household #im watching. so many renter friendly diy decor videos rn.

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13eyond13 · 1 year

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I think the moment Light's crush on L first smacked him in the manga (like when it finally rooted and started blooming in his guts) was when L was like "you're my first ever friend" whilst smirking into his teacup. And not because Light fully believed he was being sincere about being friends, but because he KNEW L was slyly teasing him and speaking to him on more than one level at once. Nothing more unexpected funny flattering and intriguing than that for him right then

#im thinking about this specifically because of that post about the girl getting a huge crush on her enemy that saved all her threats #bc that's basically that moment for light i think #light tries to squash all positive emotions towards others at all times when he's kira if they interfere with his plans after all #but if L does something like this to him then it forces him to think about his feelings in a strategic preparation sort of way #nay dare i say it basically is giving light permission to do so #he can now hold off on completely stamping out those feelings as soon as they arise #almost (he thinks) as a way to study his enemy and see how full of shit he may or may not actually be about such things #this moment probably starts a shift in light where he can allow himself to acknowledge that he maybe has a bit more than just #enemy feels for L you know #bc maybe L also is having other kinds of feels about him??#whether or not it's true it would impress him as a bold move #and kickstart him having to analyze what he actually does sincerely feel for L #and maybe start reframing and recontextualizing a lot of their tense ambiguous interactions up til that point secretly as well #heck we basically see him doing that when hes like lounging at his desk going HAH if it's friendship he wants then by god it's friendship #he will get #and this game of chicken with L about saying theyre friends keeps him from being able to completely avoid confronting #any complicated feels #like he otherwise probably would #because he legit cant back down from preparing for another battle of the wits with L #both because of his competitive pride and his genuine need to protect himself #would he call it a crush to himself yet #no probably not #i feel like that came later much later #he def would have acknowledged it as such by the end of the story tho #essentially L found a way to create a little wedge to ram in the door to Light's feels #and that is a smart enough move to probably have made Light start developing a crush on him even if he didn't have one already #l lawliet #light yagami #lawlight #p

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luck-of-the-drawings · 4 months

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when i was in highschool one o my biggest coping mechanisms was drawing all the kids i hated getting killed and eaten and killed. and well. time is a slowly ascending spiral. you will find patterns.(i work as a blackjack dealer. gamblers are FASCINATING

#cw blood #luckys original content #ITS SMALL BUT ITS ART SO IT GOES ON THE ART BLOG #also wwaooooww its meee its my lil persona!!! i dont draw myself enough....#anyway i have bigger things in the works. im slowly but surely chipping away at a pd thumbnail for that pd thumbnail project #FINALLY COLORING. BUT COLORING IS SO HARD AND I HAVNT BEEN IN THE COLORING MOOD #SO IVE JUST BEEN MAKING RLY DUMB COMICS INSTEAD... OOPS..#idk if anything finished n polished will be posted here anytime soon. BUT i post wips of everything on my twitter #and i post jrwi exclusive wips on my slucky blog. you may look at those if u have Truck Art Wishdrawls. as many do. as many do #THIS BLACKJACK JOB IS RLY AWESOME BTW DONT GET ME WRONG #i work three 12-hour days ina row. i gotta take an hourlong bus up to the depths o the mountains and then #i get to stay in this delightful lil hotel that was built in an ooold hospital. its a whole casino town. and an OLD one at that #ITS GORGEOUS HERE. last week my bus home was delayed for 2 hours #so i finally got the chance to head to other casinos and try drinkin n gambling. lost ten bucks to a pretty girl. NOT the first time #i rlly wanna try it again!!! i love interracting w ppl and i love being inebriated in public bc im just so sweet and pleasant and friendly #and pretty girls LLOOOOVEE MEEEEE i think i just need to go to gay bars more #but theres fucking NONE HERE. HELP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im collectin comrade queers up here tho #we wanna make a Group but we just gotta come up witha name first. i need something weird and strange #yknow i remember being in highschool. and being miserable n unmedicated. my mommas ultimatum was that;#if i dont drop out of highschool; i dont need to move out. she probably wouldntve kicked me out anyway bc my mommas sweet like that but #she REALLY wanted me to graduate. and i remember dreading that i might never do that #i remember feeling like the Resident Idiot. sweet but so so fucking dumb. it took me 7 years of strife n stress before i finally graduated #i remember worrying back then that i might not ever be able to handle myself out there. that i'd be too dependant on others #AND HERE I AM. DID U KNOW I WAS LOOKIN AT HOUSES A WHILE AGO? IM AN ADULT AND IM WWINNINNNGGGGGGG #IM RUNNING OUTA ROOM BUT HERES MY ADVICE TO YOU. BC I KNOW UR FUCKING SCARED TOO. THE ONE THING THAT SAVED ME.#THAT KEPT ME FROM SINKING INTO DESPAIR IS REMEMBERING ONE THING: ITS LITERALLY JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES #MOST PPL YOU CAN JUST WALK UP TO N ASK A QUESTION N THEYLL ANSWER. THEYRE ALL NPCS THEYRE NOT REAL #LIKE IF U WALK INTO A BANK AND ASK HOW A DEBIT CARD WORKS THEY WILL HELP YOU #AND IF YOU THINK THEY HAVE ULTERIOR MOTIVES RELATING TO MONEY. YOU CAN ASK THE CUSTOMERS TOO. ITS JUST LIKE VIDEO GAMES #ANYWAY STAY SAFE KIDS HAVE FUNNNNN. IM GOING TO GO DO DRUGS NOW. HOPE U CAN DO DRUGS SOON TOO. I LOVE YOU

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todayisafridaynight · 2 months

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We rlly don’t need another majima game 😭 please give other characters a chance he already had the spotlight in 0😔

lord if i speak on goro majima.

#snap chats #my last nerve was seeing him front and center on that Three Legends shirt with daigo and saejima im SICK OF HIM #what do you MEAN the Sixth Chairman is backseating majima. like thats his retainer PUT DAIGO UP FRONT #it aint even bias its gen just like. why is the sixth chairman not treated the most important. thats The Chairman of the whole shit #EX chairman whatever we know what i mean #'snap its just a shirt' and these are just my balls alright its all the little things that are like Dawg Cmon #i woulda got the shirt cause it looks like somethign youd get from claires and thats hilarious However ... im annoying.#ill say this then play y0 and be like Ah..... i love you...#fr tho im sick of him GO AWAY YOU ARE NOT THAT GUY #im that meme of spiderman holding back the train and the trains saying mean things about majima #this ire is only brought by rggtwt mates insisting majima needs any more content. like at all.#they gave majima a y0 statue but as far as i can see kiryu doesnt have one like What.#ik i say id skip y0 kiryu if i could during replays and its never that serious but still .... the hell...#my brother in christ majima does not need any more why are you acting starved #i get it hes your fave but my god. goku this trains heavier than i thought i cant do it #ive had beef with rggtwt ever since they tried to say majima was more important to kiryu than haruka. like brb eating a cactus #rgg making gaiden was the worst thing they couldve done cause now everyone wont stop mentioning charas getting a gaiden game #MAJIMA OF ALL OF THEM DOES NOT NEED ONE MFER THATS WHAT Y0 WAS FOR. WHAT ELSE DO YOU WANT #THEY GAVE HIM AN EXTRA STORY IN YK2 ALSO LIKE RGG IS DOING THE MOST FOR A SIDE CHARACTER #anyway this is why im happy saejima and akiyama are getting figures. ESPECIALLY AKIYAMA #I FEEL LIKE WE NEVER SEE SHIT OF THAT GUY and saejima. tbh. but still ... akiyama esp just feels left out #big hope other charas start to get more love. like my daughter haruka ok rgg plesae drop one of her idol statues thank you #on a lighter note september is almost upon us which means two things #1.) i have to move back to school at the end of the month 2.) rgg news is soon .....#SOOO curious as to what's on the horizon .. maybe ill stream it for the first time in nine thousand years #ok bye im gonna eat cereal <- diced spam and rice

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lorephobic · 6 months

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idk how to even like. put this pain into words and i would normally vent about this shit on twitter, but the person its about follows me on there so like. anybody have skills for coping with the crushing realization that the person u love most in this world and have built ur life around sees ur current situation together as a temporary hurdle that's preventing them from their truest and happiest self which. is separate from u entirely? anyone know how to deal with this?

#live with my best friend in the whole entire world who. honest to god makes me the happiest person alive.#like im always waxing poetic about her in the tags on posts about platonic love #and i talk about her like she put the stars in the skies because for real it feels like she did for me #she is. the most important person in my life #and every day i feel grateful just to come home and sit with her #like honest to god i cannot imagine a future that is better than this #if i have a bad day i get to come home and my best friend in the world will make me laugh #what more could i ever ask for #but tonight we talked and she made it abundantly clear that. even if i do everything right #even if i'm the perfect roommate and the best friend i can be #in just over a year #when she's making enough money for it #she plans on moving into a place of her own #which like. makes sense for her. of course we were going to get to this point.#but i just. don't know what i'm going to do.#and it kills me that we're on different pages because for some reason i thought this was a long term thing #i thought we were going to move into a house together #i was just telling my coworker this week that we need to move into our forever home soon which was partially a joke #but also. even if i was making a million dollars a year.#i would still want to be here. with her.#or somewhere else. with her.#like it's so hard to imagine a future without her. it breaks my heart and scares the shit out of me.#and i know i can't afford it here. and i can't move in with strangers. and i'm working my dream job but i'm scared that i'm going to have t #give it all up and move back east because. i can't do this alone. and she's all i have. and all i ever wanted.#and she's leaving.#she doesn't want to be with me.#sry this is so fucking. ugh. idk. i just don't know what to do.#for real might just drop everything and move to chicago if it comes down to it ksdkfljdfs #its what sufjan would have wanted #fucked up terrible no good week

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orcelito · 1 year

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FANTASTIC NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i finished & posted the ITNL 14 re-edits, WHICH MEANS!!!!!!!!!!!!! i'm officially done with my re-edits project!!!!!!!!!! :D!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ive been thinking a lot today about my plans for ITNL 15, AND i have tomorrow off, so if all goes well i'll be able to start writing again. TOMORROW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and if the chapter grips me like i expect it will then... hehehehehe

could be an update in as little as a few days, depending. i'll keep u guys updated

#speculation nation #itnl shit #im SO fucking ecstatic man ive been looking forward to this for a month and a half #that took SO much longer than i was expecting it to. but i guess editing 75k words while working full time is kind of a lot #it has been a journey. and it is now complete.#and now i can move on to the NEW THINGS!!!!!!!!! INCLUDING a chapter id been looking forward to for So Long #it's for the best that i went thru the whole fic again. itnl 14 was so hard to write bc i was just Not that mentally there with it #and also uh. The Everything.#i think 15 will be easier. MUCH easier. and im really looking forward to having proper writing motivation again.#AND......... IF ALL GOES WELL.............. i'll hopefully be able to ride that motivation train through the next few chapters #Which Means we could be seeing wolfwood in as little as a few weeks!!! maybe!!!!!!!!#i hope so !!!!!!!!!!! i wanna write him SO fucking bad #and like itnl IS a vw fic. it IS. i SWEAR. it's just mostly been grieving and pining from vash so far lksdjflsdjkfsdlkf #but it will have actual vw. eventually.#im like practically vibrating now but i need to go to sleep. so i can have the brain strength to write tomorrow hehehe #i took a melatonin to hopefully knock myself out soon. i GOTTA get some good rest tonight. for the Writing Brain.#and if i daydream about the start of next chapter.... hehehehe #more power to me then :]

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batz · 1 year

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#frank.txt #also shit is FUCKED rn . im so STRESSED #my landlord had a landlord moment so we're moving. also this place is getting unbearable #we live near freedom convoy folks and ive been called all sorts of slurs just trying to walk to 7/11 so . idk #maybe the next place will at least have homophobes that aren't as shouty and angry n shit bc GOD. GOD #that one guy that followed me halfway home just yelling slurs like yeah maybe moving out is a blessing in disguise #also this house haa no insulation which is awful in summer and winter #the next place we're going to is more expensive unfortunately but like. its insulated. doesnt have squirrels in the attic. or asbestos.#so uhm yayyy #its in a very secluded farmland area. tbh maybe thats what i need rn bc my physical and mental health arent super sturdy rn #physically feeling a bit bettr tho! just having bubble baths about it <3 #i only post now on my priv twit @dykefiend rn #once things are settled ill go back to posting art .#bc i RLLY want to draw my own stuff soon i just gotta work on commissions wnd then start PACKING #genuinely almost cried last night thinking abt how i'll probably be able to see stars at night again #its the outskirts of the city in a rural area. super rundown broken down house but gorgeous yard. all u can hear is wind ans birds #no sirens or yelling or cars!

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toastsnaffler · 24 days

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ah shit only just realised its september now.... lets hope the rest of this month isn't like this.....

#just med shit innit. gonna force myself up at my usual work time even tho i have the day off bc I need to be in my routine or ill lose it #i am. very tired and very sad. and thats ok generally im ok ive been keeping myself so busy for weeks and weeks #and im glad im going out n doing shit often n meeting new ppl n trying to focus more on hobbies n get more on the life balance #but whenever i have a moment to stop i still get so sad. ik exactly why theyre all just old aches n wounds i dont want to wallow in them!!#lately its been well under control i only usually have one actual bad day a week and sometimes its not even a whole day #and the rest im.just busy and i dont know if im just avoiding things and its not satisfying being busy bc im still missing out needs #but i cant fulfil them so might as well stay busy and not think about it!!#and its okay its all okay im just so sad right now :-( but im going to sleep soon and then ill be busy tmr so i dont have to think abt it #i wanna ventpost abt it but also i dont rly want to bc findinf the words to talk abt the things distressing me involves thinking abt it #which will just.make me feel worse. and it wont resolve anything bc its all mostly outside of my control anyway just hurts innit #but im trying hard to make my life bigger than it was before even if its still shallow and not quite enough at least it covers more space #yeah yeah we all want to feel genuine connection and wanted and loved but life doesnt often work out like that so.#hands in your pockets player keep it moving. im goiny to brush my teeth and then rly need to go to bed zzzzz #.diaries #hope everyone else had a nice weekend i had a pretty good saturday at least. and played a lot of videogames today so could be worse #very glad i dont have work tomorrow as well thank u past me for booking it off ahh..

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plantenjoyer · 2 months

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I SWEAR I KEEP TRYING TO DO ART BUT THEN SOMETHING GETS IN THE WAY AND THEN I PROCRASTINATE AND THEN SIX MONTHS PASS

#this has been happening for like TWO YEARS BUT I SWEAR TO GOD I AM TRYING.#my usual art motivation (my webcomic idea) has been put on hold for a bit and because of that i forgort... everything #my will to draw specifically #but in my defense i have been writing k*arlach / oc indulgences and i've been VERY focused on finishing it #i also got a marketing manager (my friend <3) to help with advertising my comms and stuff so uh... look forward 2 that #i might need to start posting all of my art on a sideblog so she doesn't have to log into my main though #so there might be some changes #but i promise i want to do art!!!! but there's always something to do first and then months pass :(#or i get the urge to draw and then life is like ''have a cancer scare'' lmao...#(ended up being cancerous actually </3 but because it's skin stuff it was easy to remove)#(but that really took the piss out of me for most of july... not to mention that ffxiv released a new expansion and i have been...#having a good time with my new friends doing content and stuff!) i also made a friend irl after like 3-4 years of total isolation #we feed ants and watch them move around together and comment on their behaviour patterns...#but like when i say this takes literal hours.#we just sit out there and talk about random shit and watch ants walk across the floor. both of us hate ants btw.#like we don't like having them ON us so it's a bit like playing with fire.#but anyways yeah i've also been really low energy recently too bc of the heat and burnout from college...#but the good news is that i'm transferring in fall to a much more relaxing college & courseload!#i'm hoping it'll stop me from feeling so... awful ?? i guess ??#like i was taking classes i didn't need to that were really difficult & punishing #not to mention extremely boring & hard to pay attention to when dealing with literally anything. i did not want to be there.#my next college is much more interest-oriented so i will finally be able to take classes i want to and learn from them...!#and then maybe i will feel a bit more in control of my life / more encouraged to draw #anyways thank u for reading my ramble. hoping it all comes together soon.#i need to do a lot of work but most of it is so i can sell commissions again #but once the karlach fic is done we're so back on the webcomic train !!!!!!!!

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sapphicsnzs · 5 months

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just me life updating about moving and other ramblings in the tags lmao

#self obs #not snz #this shit is so stressful what the fuck?????#i also have a million projects due on sunday that i’ve barely started so saturday i move sunday i library #i am so happy to get out of my current living situation cause the people i live with couldn’t give two shits about me #it’s giving my childhood lmao🧍‍♀️#also i got diagnosed with pcos this week and am going to be starting meds for it next week so if anyone has any suggestions lmk #i heard back about my research and i got accepted so im super excited about that!!!!!#anyways my life is all over the place right now but hopefully after this weekend i’ll be on the up?#all my finals are in the next two weeks so i’m just so stressed #i can’t wait to eat a real meal i’ve been living off of energy drinks this week like 800mg of caffeine plus my adderall #yeah my doctor is very concerned about my heart but like fuck it we ball #anyways i’m stressed so i took a few shots lmao i hope you all are well #hopefully i’ll be more active and posting snz stuff soon #TELL ME WHY I FORGOT ABOUT MY OCS lmao i’ll write for them soon i promise #ok goodnight i need to pack more

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kathrynmjaneway · 3 months

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#boyfriend update #!!#he took a day off work with me today so he could drive to ikea with me bc im moving soon #🥺🥺🥺#and then we had to cut our trip short bc we were planning to go the hardware store too but on the way i started to get a migraine #and now we're just chilling on his couch #me waiting for my pain meds to kick in #and him just gaming a little #just a nice chill time except tge feeling shitty #he made me tea and all that #and just now asked if i needed anything else if he could do smth #and i asked if he had any chocolate but he didnt and then immediately was like #im gonna go buy you some!!#and now he literally on his way across town to a grocery store to buy me. chocolate #and also dinner #and im just chilling on his couch still 🥺🥺#when i tell you thats hes just the best #personal

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magentagalaxies · 6 months

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having a moment about my gender rn and i'm just like ugggggh @ my brain do we have to. like can we just not

#i need to go to bed soon bc i have a 10am class tomorrow but shoutout to the identity crisis i've been having since at least feb 6th #idk if identity crisis is even the right word. bc like one thing about me is that i have a very solid sense of self #like i know who i am and what i want and how i move through the world and what it feels like to be me #but in terms of how i label and explain that to others? that's where the identity crisis comes in #but no one else gets to experience me in first person POV so the descriptors i use and they ways i present myself are reality to them #and tbh? as i think about how some of the descriptors i use for myself don't accurately describe me some people are getting mad???#which is so fucking bizarre bc like. what the fuck it's my gender why are YOU being offended???#but it's also making me low key be like ''wait am i a bad person now????''#even tho i don't believe morality works like that. idk it's just been an exhausting month and a half #if anyone wants to hear more in depth thoughts on all this i would love to vent about it #(but not rn bc i will be going to bed as soon as i get this all out)#but like what i will say now is even tho this past month and a half has been ROUGH (for several reasons especially gender)#and people might expect that me spending so much time with scott in february made it more exhausting #which is understandable we love scott but touring in general is tiring and also i am the most opinionated person i've ever met but so is he #and also like. if you've heard scott talk about gender it's very obvious we disagree on a lot of things and he doesn't shy away from that #but the thing is. i'd actually say spending so much time with scott (even when we talk about gender. even when we *argue* about gender)#was actually such a good thing for me throughout all of this bc even when we disagree on semantics of labels #scott actually sees me beyond that rather than reducing my identity to what i call myself #which is how a lot of well-meaning allys tend to treat me. like i'm just one thing.#so when i'm with scott i never really have to think about my gender #bc he doesn't treat me like i'm (insert whatever gender people treat me like). he just treats me like i'm jessamine #and i'm tired of having to explain myself into smaller pieces so people can pretend to get it #but i feel like there's no way not to do that in our society rn especially at my ''progressive'' liberal arts college

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exopelagic · 4 months

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I need to go to bed I’m just gonna shout a lil

#ice hockey needs to chill the fuck out #I had such a good night tonight!! was ssosososossososososo happy #but afterwards people started shouting in the group chat #and they all have very valid reasons for being angry but my god the us vs them mentality is STRONG #I am concerned abt how much people want to escalate things and how quickly they’re moving to do that #I am aware I am a doormat and a people pleaser or whatever but #I mean for one this is a tense political situation and we don’t wanna burn bridges #(there is no real politics i am being dramatic to be clear)#two clubs. alike in dignity. in fair Verona where we lay our scene #and I am personally managing at least 4 fragile egos that are all highly volatile #as well as an internal divide that’s threatening to cause problems very soon #I also should not be part of this anymore! and yet.#also why are specifically men who play team sports so dramatic when you get them all together #like that’s a whole shitstorm that is so easy to set off #anyway with my club I can’t blame the committee for being dramatic (different way to what I just said they’re not the same people)#bc I sure as fuck was overdramatic which fed into other people ramping up BUT that normally snapped me the fuck out of it #so I tempered the worst of it yknow. but I don’t think this new committee has that #/is not willing to listen to the person who would play that role #anyway if people don’t play nice it’s going to start some actual shit which will be deeply unpleasant for everyone #particularly the people who are in both clubs and do not deserve this bc they’ll be getting it from both sides and theyve done nothing wrong #anyway! bedtime now <3 I’m just frustrated bc the person who maybe would’ve calmed everyone down is out of commission #and I should not and am not willing to have the power to tell people to stop even though I probably still could #it’s whatever. sleep #luke.txt

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fingertipsmp3 · 4 months

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Had THE funniest dream last night

#i was roommates with this couple who for some reason decided they were going to bone directly outside the house #like on the front porch more or less #except they were really worried about being seen? so i was kind of keeping a lookout for them #pretty much as soon as they.. began; a legolas cosplayer appeared complete with a camera crew #OH THAT WAS THE THING! my roommates were filming themselves but it was just on a mounted tripod #so i just opened the window and said ‘uhhh do you guys have a camera crew?’ and they looked around and screamed #had to run inside naked from the waist down. i was laughing and laughing #for some reason my next move was to post about this on tumblr but it got no notes and i was impatient so i posted about it on facebook #and TONS of people liked it immediately and then were sharing it and long story short it went viral #and there were random people in the comments saying like ‘oh this is so obviously fake’ and ‘why does she sound so unconcerned?’#because why would i be concerned?? gay sex is legal.. having it where other people can see isn’t exactly legal but they got inside quickly #and the legolas cosplayer and his camera crew didn’t exactly seem traumatised. they just looked confused if anything #also i’d written it in kind of a sarcastic and funny tone to be entertaining because it was honestly an absurd situation #why i would’ve posted this to FACEBOOK where most of my friends are my elderly relatives; ex-coworkers and high school people i don’t know #anyway that was my dream. two guys i vaguely know had four-second sex on my front porch; saw a legolas cosplayer; screamed and ran inside #OH and the other part of my dream was one of my mutuals on here (who i have only spoken to via prev tags) for some reason had my mobile #number and kept trying to call me #i had them in my phone just as their tumblr url even though they have a name and i know it? and for some reason i kept panicking #and rejecting the call and then coming up with spurious reasons for doing so #even though this person was extremely chill about it and was like ‘oh we can just talk another time!’#it made NO sense. i would absolutely speak to this person on the phone if i got the chance #but also why would i give them my number? and why would they be calling me from the states??#anyway. if you need me i’m going to make breakfast and go to pilates #personal

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mejomonster · 4 months

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(One of the sucky things) about healing dissassociation/not being able to feel shit. Is first u feel the stuff u did not notice u were feeling, which u disconnected from, which is mostly big Yikes heavy stuff. And only after u feel miserable a while do u regain the ability to feel like... happy. Excited. The pleasant stuff that has more feeling to it than the neutral content zone that's been your "nicest" felt emotion for the last year.

#rant #like. i am purposely working on grounding more yes. therapy went well in that regard yes #but knowing i basically need to oscilate now between AGH OW SAD CHEST PAIN AWFUL AGONY and #then also stay in the window of tolerance to prevent a panic attack by cqrefully feeling enough to cry for like 1 minute then #Putting Feelings In A Box (as therapy said to) and basically disassociating again until i can tolerate risking feeling for another minute???#not the Most fun.#but id like to feel excited again some day. or joy or a crush. or eager. etc. so i gotta process all this heavy feeling stuff #but like. theres apparently a Lot cause when i give myself permission to become present? i feel a WALL #holding me together and i carefully open a tiny slot in the wall and just feel that 1 sliver.#ajd the wall isnt budging. my mind is like yeah.... u still need the wall. if u took down the wall in one move we might go ballistic #anyway i opened one tiny piece of wall today and was hit by immense grief and fear #cause ppl i love are quite sick and its a very real fear they may die soon. it hurts so much to notice i can #only notice in tiny 30 second periods split by an hour of putting it back in q box #or else id cry too much and crying tends to sdare me. so i dont wanna sob uncontrollably for hours

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