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jaminjims · 4 years

Text

found family {imagine}

@catsandstrawberries requests: Hi I have a request. Can you do an ot7 x youngest female 8th member reader maybe late teens (like 17 18ish) maybe fathers day is coming up and reader never had a good relationship with her father or any male in her life (abuse, abondment, trauma, etc) and maybe just a bunch of fluffy and angsty scenarios of her relationship with the boys when they become more like older brothers/father figures to her. Maybe one where she choreographs a dance and shows Hobi and he openly stares how proud Cont. 🐣

He is of her and maybe it just really touches her. Or maybe one where she falls asleep on the couch and one of the boys brings her to her room. And maybe a final angsty one where she tells them how much she loves them and how hard it is to know her own family didnt care about her but the b o us are like, you're wrong, your family does care about you, were your family. Something like that. I really love your writing and hopefully you can write this, if not dont worry, much love! 🐣

a/n: ahh this was the fic i wrote 4.3k words for but then decided i didn’t like it so i started over lmao. i don’t really know why this fic was kinda difficult for me to write but it was still something i enjoyed writing a lot and i’m proud of myself for finishing it! and this is probably one of my favorites that i’ve written if i’m being completely honest. the found family troupe is what i LIVE for and this one literally melts my heart. and of course thank you so so much to the lovely catsandstrawberries for the request! i really enjoyed writing it so i hope you enjoy reading it!

pairing: platonic ot7 x f!reader (reader will refer to the older members as hyung though!)

genre: angsty in the beginning but it turns really fluffy so just hang in there!

warnings: brief mention of child abandonment, child neglect, bad father daughter relationship, loneliness, insomnia, forgetting to eat

words: 6k

[disclaimer: when writing idol aus, i will only be focusing on the struggles of the reader, not of the idols themselves because i don’t personally know what struggles they go through and how they handle them.]

{song(s) i recommend while reading: someone’s someone - monsta x}

~**~

here’s the thing about family: it’s sometimes fickle and sometimes strong

you came from a prestigious family of bankers, except you wouldn’t really call it a family

it was more like relatives tolerating each other more than anything

your mom had left when you were young so you only had faint silhouettes and hollow laughter to remember her by. but that just left the two of you

you and your father

instead the memories you grew up with were of a dad who was cold and controlling and never really around long enough for you to truly feel like he loved you

it was always “y/n you have to look good for the family” “y/n you have to do this for the families reputation” “y/n you have to smile for the media so they think we are a happy family”

the word family was thrown around so much you didn’t think you really knew what it meant anymore

because it was always “y/n you need to do better” “y/n why are you so flawed?” y/n you’re more of a disappointment that a daughter”

never “y/n, i’m proud of you”

it was always what he wanted and never had he asked what you wanted

he never once helped you with your homework, never once had a family meal together

never once said he loved you

you had to instead learn to cook yourself, learn to swim, learn to ride your bike, all by yourself

all things a father should have done, he never did

instead it was all fake laughter and smiles in front of the media and cold stares and loneliness behind closed doors

you used to cry yourself to sleep because of how lonely and lost you felt but now you just opted to barely sleeping at all

and you often forgot to eat because it would just remind you what you could’ve had but didn’t

you also tended to be alone at school because everyone knew of you but no one really knew you

the only thing that really saved you was dancing

it was the only way you could really express yourself without needing words and you found that comforting

it was intimate and deep and it was your raw soul being transmitted through movements

and it was your only reprieve from the fake media, the fake smiles, the fake laughter

and the fake family

so most of your days were spent in a dance studio, choreographing your own pieces and dancing your heart out and it was really the only way you knew how to express yourself

it was when you were fifteen when you had discovered that music companies were hosting auditions and you wanted more than anything to be up on a stage and preform

you had never longed for something more than you did now

but you knew your father would never allow it and maybe that was the thought that pushed you to make the decision of joining

because you knew if you continued to live the way you did now, you would never be enough for him and you were sad and lonely and just tired of faking everything

so if you were always going to be a failure to him then at least you could have fun along the way, right?

so you auditioned to every single company you could and in the end it was only one who had accepted you and for the first time you were really happy

so, so happy that you danced all the way home and cried and for once didn’t pay mind to the eyes looking in

your dad was of course furious when he found out and it hurt that he was so against your dream

but the elation you felt at finally doing something for yourself, with no other reason but because you wanted too, it was something thrilling and if you had known that freedom would feel like this then you would’ve done it a long time ago

but it still stung when he cut you out of his life completely, like you weren’t even there in the first place. like you never existed

cut off all means of financial support. insurance, healthcare, even schooling

all because you didn’t want to be what he wanted you to be

and you cried for the first few nights because this was your conformation. conformation that he really didn’t love you and only saw you as a means to continue his legacy

but you continued on. confidently packing your bags and leaving that place that was never really a home to you

and when you moved into the dorms bighit had for trainee’s, you felt like this, this was your chance. and if you failed, then you would go crawling back to your father and beg for forgiveness like you knew he wanted

you only had one opportunity, and you used it for everything it was worth

you had gotten a part time job, something you wanted to experience because for every other kid it was normal. got to stay out late and dance and sing and just experience things that you had never gotten to do in the confines of your old home

in the confines of your father

and even if you didn’t get to continue your education (which you were greatly distressed about) you were happy because you were doing stuff you wanted

it was when you were eighteen, when you spent two years as a trainee before you got the news that...

you made it

you had made it! you were going to be put in a group! and even if they had already long ago debuted, you were going to show them that you were worth it

you were worth more than what you father had said about you, than what he had planned for you

but with that elation came hesitance

because you were joining a group that was composed of all males, seven of them, and you didn’t have a good experience with any males (well, male) in your life and you would be lying if you said you weren’t even a little bit scared

because you were never good enough for your father, what made them any different? what if you weren’t ever going to be good enough for anyone?

but they were different. they showed you that not every male was going to be like your father, that you were enough and more

when you had first met them, you were a timid little thing because you had previously been sheltered and didn’t really have any friends

you didn’t really know how to open up to anyone because no one ever cared to really try to connect

they were all smiles and politeness and you blushed under their attention because no one really showed an interest in learning about you, not like they had

but you didn’t tell them everything. actually, you didn’t really tell them anything because you were scared that if the found out the truth, they would think you were useless just like your father

so you told them your name, age (which they were surprised about because you were young compared to them), and half truths

about how you were not really close with your family, about how you weren’t really close with any friends

and you expected them to look down on you for your answers but instead they welcomed you with open arms and treated you like they would treat anyone else

and you loved it. loved that they saw you for you instead of just a rich mans daughter

so slowly, you started opening up to them

they treated you like a normal person (a thing which you craved because it was something you never experienced) and they never only pointed out the things you were doing wrong, like your father had

instead they pointed out your flaws and also pointed out what you had excelled at

“y/n, you should turn your body and bend a bit more for that move, but your energy was really good!” “maybe reach a little bit higher for that note? it went a little flat for a second, but your part in the bridge was perfect.”

and it was those comments that you held close and cherished because they pushed you to do better but it was different than than the way your father pushed you

because you refined the things that you could actually fix instead of just thinking everything about yourself was horrible

and maybe it was weird, but you really started to look up to them and that only caused you to work harder so that you would make them proud

but it wasn’t until a late night in the dance studio with jimin that really shifted your relationship with all of them

you couldn’t sleep again (like most nights) and you were dancing to a song that you had choreographed yourself

you slightly overstepped and pushed your body forward by accident and had ended up twisting your ankle

you almost started crying because what if the boys thought you were going to be a hindrance? what if they thought you were a failure for holding them back?

but then the the dance studio door opened and in came walking jimin and you felt yourself shrink in, trying to make your body as small as possible because you were so scared

and it was weird because you never felt this scared when you thought your dad would look down on you and you had only been in the group for two months and you shouldn’t be feeling this attached

and everything was overwhelming and jimin gasped when he spotted you on the floor crying with a bruised ankle

his heart hurt to see you this upset so he quickly walked over and tried to get you to slow your breathing and when his calm and soothing voice reached your ears, you couldn’t help but relax slightly because he didn’t seem to be angry, only worried

and then what he said next had you crying for a whole different reason

“is it ok with you if i look at your ankle?”

he had asked. he had asked if it was something you wanted and that surprisingly meant more to you then it probably should

and once again they proved that they were different than your father because your dad would just do, without any concern to what it might do to you. but they thought about you, about your well being

you found yourself nodding and once he saw you were crying still he creased his eyebrows with worry, “does it hurt that bad?”

you shook your head again and managed to get out, “you aren't mad at me?”

and the world seemed to stop for a second and you held your breathe as you waited for his answer, and when he opened his mouth you got scared that he was actually angry

“you thought i would be mad? of course i’m not, it wasn’t your fault. it’s ok, you’re ok.” and even with your hurt ankle you leaned forward and hugged him because you were so relieved that he didn’t think you were a failure, glad that he still thought you were worth it

and even though he was confused at your reaction, he hugged you back anyway because he wanted to be there for you in any way he could

and your adoration for them only increase since then. you were really starting to feel closer to them and really starting to rely on them

the week your ankle was healing, they made sure to check in every hour to see if everything was ok and it was a little overwhelming at times because you had never been this looked after before and it was new to you

and at least one of them would arrive home from practice early and give you everything you needed

one time when yoongi came back early, he had come into your room and asked if you needed anything and you said no because you didn’t wanna hinder him but then your stomach growled in betrayal and you blushed

he frowned and sat beside you on you’re bed, rubbing the back of his neck, “now, i know that i don’t look like the comforting type, but i’ll still help if you ask.”

and your eyes widened and you shook your head, shooting up in bed because it really wasn’t that you thought he was bad at comforting but it was because you really just forgot to eat again

and that’s what you told him and he frowned for a different reason, “you forget to eat?” and then you would look down in shame because you thought he was disappointed in you

he looked at your lowered head and sighed, lightly bumping shoulders with you, “hey, it’s ok. i’m not mad or anything. just worried.”

and you tentatively looked up at him, hiding behind your hair, “i... just don’t eat that much. reminds me of the things i can’t have.” and then you looked back down

and yoongi thought that his heart broke a little bit because you sounded so small and sad and he was confused as to why but what he did know is that it hurt him to hear and see you like that

he then bumped his shoulder with yours again so you would look up and then he flicked your forehead when you did

and you looked at him with a slightly offended expression while bringing your hand up to touch the spot he flicked and once he saw the look on your face, he smirked a little, “what are you thinking about now?” and you would get this confused look on your face, because why was he asking? “why you flicked me.”

and then he would smile triumphantly, “then it worked.”

and it wouldn’t be till later that you realized that he had gotten you too think about something else so you wouldn’t dwell on the bad memories you had, and you smiled brightly trying to fall asleep that night

but you noticed that they all would start to bring more snacks in their bags whenever they went anywhere and offer them to you and it was hard to say no because you were kinda hungry when you thought about it

and food started to taste a little better when you were around them

and as time passed, they only surprised you more and more with their personalities and you started to really like just being around them, you felt like a better person

and over time you had all grown closer too, up to the point where you would get into petty fights like real siblings (at least you liked to think of it that way, you never had any siblings)

for example, one time you were sitting on the couch scrolling through a phone the company recently got you and here comes jungkook running down the hallway

he then jumps and lands right on top of your sitting figure on the couch and you yell because it scared you and why was he sweaty?

“yah! get off me!” you then would push him on the face but it would get you nowhere because he was quite literally almost twice your size

“no, i don’t wanna.” then he would shrug and pull out his phone while he was crushing you with his body weight and then you would scream out “hyung!” in hopes anyone would hear you and all of them would come running into the room because you never yelled and they thought it was an emergency

but then it would sink in that, that was the first time you had called them hyung and they would get these goofy smiles on their faces (even jungkook, from where he was sitting on top of you) and you would look at them and then realize what you did

you gasped and started apologizing because what if they didn’t want you to call them that? (obliviously not getting the message that they did from their faces alone)

but they would just shoot down your apologies because they would be happy that you finally felt close and comfortable enough to call them that

and jin would walk up and ruffle your hair - well as best he could while jungkook was still sitting on you - and “come help your hyung in the kitchen.” and your smile would be worth more than anything to them and you would push jungkook off of you easily this time while yelling yes

you then stuck your tongue out at him and he made a funny face back that had you giggling

but something was always weighing on your mind, and it was the lack of your education. since your father had cut you off, you had no means on furthering your learning and it was something that really upset you because who couldn’t even complete highschool education? and you were afraid that the other members would be disappointed in you

so you asked manager sejin (which he had grown pretty fond of you over the months) for a computer because you wanted to complete your education online if anything and he was completely behind the idea and backed you up 100 percent

so you started your online learning but you had to admit, it was hard when you didn’t have a teacher to consult things with

and you would get so frustrated because why couldn’t you just get this right? it was simple math! and you were disappointed in yourself because this was a big blow to your ego

you were afraid that the others would would laugh at you but then you thought about how they proved time and time again that they were different than your father and so with that thought in mind you summoned your courage and went to knock on namjoon’s door

he was surprised to see you but smiled anyway and you sat down on his bed with your hair covering your face because you were still embarrassed and they didn’t know that you hadn’t finished highschool

and he saw that you were struggling with what to say so he waited patiently because the last thing he wanted to do was scare you off

and you were grateful for that, so after a few minutes you gathered your thoughts and decided to just plunge right into the conversation, “hyung,” and they still smiled when you called them that, “i’m doing online school and um, was wondering if you could help me? i mean you don’t have to or anything but i just-” and he put a hand over your head to stop your rambling and smiled that dimple smile of his, “of course i’ll help. what do you need me for?”

and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t a little surprised because it was highschool sophomore math because he thought that you had already graduated highschool but he still was glad to help you anyway

and you could tell he wanted to ask but was hesitant, so you made it easier for him, “i wasn’t able to finish highschool.” and he looked perplexed for a moment but when he took in your sad expression he didn’t say anything more so you quietly added on “i don’t have a relationship with my father so..” and you trailed off and he sighed silently because it was hard for him to wrap his head around why someone would make you so sad, especially if that someone was your father so instead he opted to take your mind off the issue

so he spoke up, “yah, the pythagorean theorem isn’t gonna learn itself.” and so the two of your stayed up and you understood the subject more when he explained it than in any real class you ever had

so, these teaching sessions are almost a daily routine and sometimes it would be the others helping and it became something that you really enjoyed

because no one was ever willing to help you like this

after months of living and knowing them, it was finally the crunch time to get ready for your first comeback with them and you were so nervous

you would stay up later than usual to practice and they would be lying if they said they weren’t a little worried about your lack of sleep but they used to do the same thing before comebacks so they let it slide somewhat

but what they didn’t know was that you were also going to be doing a solo dance performance and you were so scared that no one would like it so you finally crumbled and asked for hobi because you wanted his opinion on your routine

but his reaction to your dance sequence was one you didn’t expect

as you flipped and glided through your choreo, hoseok stared wide eyed at you in wonder because he knew you were an amazing dancer but when it was just you and him in the dance studio, the emotion that you portrayed... it was just an astounding site to see

and when you finished you saw his expression and blushed, hiding your face in your hair because no one had looked at you like that before

“what? was it bad?” and it was a couple more moments before hoseok really gathered his thoughts to put them into words and he just walked over to you and put his hands on your shoulders so you would look at him

“y/n-ah, that was amazing. just everything about it... aish you have me speechless.” and he gave you that hobi heart smile and you couldn’t keep your eyes from tearing up but what he said next really got the waterworks going

“i am so, so proud of you, y/n”

and you openly cried and hearing that sentence from someone you really looked up to was something you never knew you needed and you hugged him so tight and said ‘thank you’ over and over again because you really were

you were so, so thankful

and he carded his hands through your hair because namjoon had told him about you not having a good relationship with your dad and knew this was probably something that meant a lot to you. but he really was so, so proud of you because you had grown so much since being that little timid girl he had met months ago

so you went home and played videogames with everyone and just had a good time so you wouldn’t get to stressed and later when you had finally managed to fall asleep, hobi would gush about your dance to the other members (without knowing you were going to be preforming it soon) and everyone was excited and wanted to see it too

but with hobi’s encouragement came more determination for you to work harder because you were going to amaze everyone if you had anything to say about it

so you started to stay out late to the point where you would come back to the house when everyone else was sleeping and just be so tired that you would fall asleep on the couch, not even making it back to your room

and they would wake up and see you and look at you so fondly because they could see that you were working so hard and could see how badly you wanted everyone to succeed

and it would usually be jungkook who would pick you up and bring you back to your room so you could sleep just a little bit longer

they really were so proud of you

and then it came to your comeback date and you were still so nervous but they’re presences made it better

it was taehyung who came up to you then right before they were supposed to go onto the comeback stage and what he said would always stick with you, “no matter what happens out there, i, we, will always be there for you, no matter what. we will always be proud of you.” and you would tear up and the makeup unnie’s would get angry and push you back down in the makeup chair but they would have this gooey smile on their faces anyway

and your performance went perfectly

it seemed like the audience was just as memorized as hoseok had been when you preformed your solo and army, thrown off by your presence, still accepted you because they could see the bond you had with the boys and how pure it was

and even though some didn’t agree, it was ok because seven other people where proud of you and that’s all you really needed

and then because of the amazing performance the eight of you go out to eat and you all joke and laugh and the food tastes amazing

and you think, this is what a family dinner must feel like

and you almost cry again because this is all you really ever wanted, to be accepted, to be seen for your achievements instead of your flaws

and you've only spent five months together but in those five months, you had grown so close to these people that showed you that you were more than what your father had told you, that you were amazing and perfect in your own way and they would never look down on you for your flaws

you could definitely get used to this

so the next day taehyung took you out on a shopping spree because he wanted to spend time with you and you both basically wrecked havoc in a gucci store trying on everything you could

and he wold tease you when you came out of the dressing room with a size that was way to big for you and you would taunt him back and bicker back and forth

then you both went to the store and got ice cream for everyone and you all set up a fort in the living room and it was easily one of the best days of your life

and after that the eight of you experienced things and created memories together and they showed you what real friends were, what real companionship and love felt like

and before you knew it, fathers day was in two days and you didn’t know what you were going to do, but you still felt like you should do something because father’s day is a day to celebrate the important males in your life

you had never felt like doing something like this when you lived with your actual father, and that spoke volumes to how close you had come to these boys

so on the saturday before the actual day, you tried to wake up as early as you could and get all the ingredients you needed

when you saw that you were missing eggs for the cake that you wanted to make for them, you tried to be as quick as possible so your hyungs wouldn’t be wondering where you went if they woke up

it was the probably the fastest trip you had ever taken but it was all for naught when you walked back through the door

you almost dropped your newly bought eggs when you heard a scream come from the living room and suddenly there were arms wrapping around you in a tight hug

“j-jimin?” was all you could squeak out before a barrage of voices tumbled over each other in efforts to scold you for leaving and not telling at least one of them, if not all of them

“what were you thinking!? you scared me! you scared us!” jin said in your direction, where jimin was still wrapped around you

“yah! we thought you left! or-or got kidnapped!” hoseok’s raised voice was one you decide you didn’t like

once jimin let go, yoongi was quick to envelope you in a hug, “aish. i never wanna wake up to that kind of scare ever again.”

once he pulled away you spotted taehyung and jungkook pouting with their arms crossed sitting on the couch, namjoon fixing you with a serious stare. “promise me you won’t do that again.”

“promise us!” taehyung quickly added in and all you could do was nod because your head was still trying to process what just happened over the span of the last ten seconds

it wasn’t until your pinky was wrapped around jungkook’s in a pinky promise that the situation really set into your head and you lowered your head in shame and embarrassment, “i’m sorry.”

jin sighed and ruffled his hair, “we were just worried. sorry for yelling y/n-ah,” and it warmed you with how protective they were over you and you looked up at him teasingly, “sorry eomma” and jin frowned while you and the maknae line snickered

it was when you got up to finally put the eggs away that jimin pulled you back down to sit beside him, hugging you again, “we worry about you because you’re our yodongseng, y/n-ah” and it was that one sentence that had you all smiley and giggly because that was the first time any of them had called you that, the first time anyone called you that and you were so happy

because they saw you as their little sister and a bond like that was something you hadn’t felt before, and one you would never want to break

“thank you” you whispered as you got up and went to put the eggs away, the boys following after you

“so why did you go to the store?” taehyung said as he looked at all the ingredients littered around the kitchen counters

you gasped and remembered what you were doing and quickly turned around, “all of you, out! go away!” you yelled while physically pushing hoseok and yoongi out the kitchen door

“wha- why?” namjoon got out before almost being pushed over and into a table by jungkook

“surprise!” was all you yelled as you got all of them out of the kitchen but seokjin waited by the door. “hyung, what are you doing?” hoseok questioned. “just wait for it.” was all he said as he started counting down from five. and as he was just about to say one, you popped your head back through the door and shyly asked, “hey jin-hyung, can you help me with something?” and then he looked toward the others and smirked at their bewildered expressions. “i told you. she always asks for me when she needs help in the kitchen, and she always needs help.” you then hit him on the arm, “yah. i’m not that bad.”

then the both of you would enter the kitchen and you would try to explain that you needed to make a cake without really telling him you needed to bake one and it just led to a lot of confusion

in the end you gave up and told him you needed to make one but you didn’t tell him what for, still trying to preserve a least a little bit of surprise

the both of you joked and laughed about useless things while mixing the eggs and milk and flour, making a cake from scratch and the others listened to your banter and smiled among themselves

when the both of you settled down and put the cake in the oven, seokjin called your name, “y/n-ah,” and as soon as you turned around a wad of flour hit you in the face and jin’s windshield wiper laugh echoed out

but that was only the begging

“this is war!” and then all of them came running into the kitchen and the flour that was supposed to hit jin, hit yoongi instead and you could’ve sworn you heard namjoon face plant at one point and then fifteen minutes later everyone was covered in flower and the kitchen was a mess

and you all found yourself sitting on the floor, waiting for when you had to take out the cake. and just being surrounded by all their presences, suddenly got you emotional

“thank you” you said again, for the umpteenth time since you’ve known them. you took a deep breath, “i never got along with my father and-,” you sniffed and they waited for you to finish, jungkook nudging you with his shoulder and taehyung gently holding your hand, “and, all of this, the comfort and compassion you’ve shown me,” tears started to fall from your eyes and hoseok who was sitting across from you leaned over and wiped them off your face, “and i’m really grateful.”

but before they could say anything to that, the oven went off and you took another deep breath and gathered your emotions, once again pushing them out of the kitchen so you could decorate the cake you would show them tomorrow

and while they were sitting in the living room together, waiting for you to finish, they all looked at each other and they could easily say that they would do anything for you because you really were their little sister and they cared about you so much

and while you decorated your cake for them, you thought that a giving them their surprise a day early couldn’t hurt (and you knew one of the maknae line would definitely come and sneak a bite of the treat in the middle of the night)

so you walked out, flour caking your hair and clothes, holding the vanilla frosted cake that said ‘happy father’s day ‘ in purple, messy icing

and oh my god they were so touched they could have cried (and some of them did)

and you stood in front of them, gathering your thoughts and as soon as you saw that jimin was about to say something, you started talking. “so, uh, originally i was going to give you all this tomorrow but i figured that it wouldn’t hurt to give it today. and father’s day is not only to celebrate fathers but to celebrate the important males in your life.” and there you go tearing up again, “and when i was younger, my mom left before i could really remember her, and my dad, he-” tears fell and you wiped them, “aish, i’m crying.” then you giggled and their hearts were simultaneously breaking and filling up at the same time. “he was never a father to me, so i never knew what it felt like to have one, to have a family. and it hurt everyday to think that no one in my family wanted me.” god you were a wreck and your words were coming out blurred now. “but then i came here-”

and before you could get out anymore there were seven pairs of arms wrapping themselves around you and your burrowed your head into the chest of nearest person (which happened to be yoongi)

“that’s not true y/n” namjoon murmured and for a second you were confused because why would he say that about your situation? but then he continued, “we will always, always, want you in our lives. we are your family. and always will be.” and you were full on sobbing and so were they

and all you could get out was a sloppy, sobbed filled: “i love you” but they understood perfectly

“we love you too, y/n” and that was the single best moment in your life.

and then perhaps the next day you did anything they asked of you which led to the younger ones being scolded about how you weren’t their maid but then you would get up and get what they asked for anyway because this was their day

and the bickering, the love, and even the fights you would have sometimes, it would all be worth it in the end if it led you back to them

[end]

end note: oh. my. god. i’m not crying, you are. the ending? when i was writing the flour scene? PLEASE I WAS SOBBING. this is one of the fics that i am most proud of and i really didn’t mean to make it this long, but here i am. i hope everyone has an amazing father’s day, and you get to celebrate it the way you want to! everyone reading this (and those who aren’t) deserve happiness, no matter who you are. and you are more then what people say about you. i love you guys to the moon and back, make sure you stay safe! (and as always, sorry for any spelling errors!)

~**~

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No reblog please

Idk i just wanna update on my life at the moment. Its been a while. I dont really like to talk about my relationship in public forums online and i also wanna give my mutuals an explantion for my splotchy texts cause i have like 80 something messages on here rn. Ive just been so busy and emotionally drained. Sorry if i message you after like a month, start a convo but then just trail off, then respond to that response 3 months later and trail off again-

sorry sometimes yall just miss my social window yall gotta be quicker😅😅😅

Kidding kidding, but once its closed, its closed until further notice. im sorry and im trying i cherish yall a lot, my mutuals and people i still text on here. But god texting has gotten so hard the past year idk why...

My regular texting sucks too so yall arent missing much btw but happy to obliged, it if anyones interest lol, along with my messenger im on FB a lot.

But anyways. My life for the past year.

Me and my girl are in the closet, everyone knows we are dating, besides her dad and town. He doesnt know and wow it feels like we're really getting away with something LMAO

We are long distance but we kinda do this back and forth thing whenever we can. Usually every 2-3 months. Like we'll stay at each other's houses for like weeks, and its become my 2nd home, and their parents love me, my dad loves her.

We are currently trying for jobs. We both have mental illness obvi, so its hard. Really really hard. But we are trying. We're saving up to move in together. Our situation isnt ideal rn we, dont really expect to even think about moving for about a year or 2, for multitude of reasons. It just isnt realistic.

I'm also trying for disability. Doing odd jobs like mowing the lawn...really relaxing.

Am In between saying fuck it and just getting a job RIGHT now or just waiting. I first applied for social security december of last year. Denied twice. Wish me luck, i may even have to get a lawyer.

Apparently you can have a job while on disability so long as you don't make too much money...and i want a job man, but with the way my mental state is...it would do me good to actually leave the house and try to get more human interaction besides just grocery shopping myself and going to the thrift shops by myself lol or the occasional movie outing with my gf

I now have a resume. And wanna work at the gas station, library and/or Dollar tree near me. All of which im pretty comfy at. Wish me luck.

My mental health recovery...this has been a year of breakthroughs man im really making strides

Im discovering more and more traumas. Learning how to deal with shit. Its been hell for my depression but ive been growing and evolving and becoming more in tune with myself and my emotions and shit

Me and my partner are doing okay. We are okay and healthy. They have a therapist too now!

We are doing so good. We are able to be so vulnerable with each other. We talk for hours until we figure out a miscommunication. She holds me like a baby, she just squeezes the pain out of me , ive never had anyone try to understand me the way Amy does. And i give the same back. I cant keep my eyes and hands to myself. I have to look away when i stare at her for more than 2 seconds, i just cant

My heart feels with so much joy that it scares me and it feels like im gonna burst

Ive never felt this way before, about anyone

My ex? Whos a guy? And any other person ive had interest in?

The fact that most of the people ive been into have all acted "feminine", been fellow genderqueer, but AMAB at the time, and 2 have both come out as trans girls at some point...shouldve been a sign lmao. But nope, "i like guys...i like girls but cant imagine myself being romantically involved with a girl, only sexual . Guys more so emotionally i guess. *has literally never imagined actively living with a man before, getting married. Didnt even want to meet my first bf irl. But looked at boobs and was that 12 year old with a lesbian porn and hentai tiddie addiction*....yes im straight :)"

Actually coming to the realization that i can have a wife...wow that shook me. Id never considered. Or thought realistic. i was "normal", what compulsory heterosexuality wanted me to believe.

Im still struggling coming to terms in my sexuality. Been in straight up denial since i was early teens but ive known i was different since 8. Im growing in this area too, im trying. We both are actually.

1 year, 7 months ❤

We are both genderqueer demisexual sapphics/wlw❤❤

To all my sapphics in the closet with partners, i wish to you my luck and blessings

We are allowed to be happy, no one can change us

We are allowed to have happy endings, and we can whether the straights like it or not.

Tl;dr: doin really good, hard year of growth but making strides in my sexuality, relationship, goals and ambitions. Pretty grand.

#me.txt #wlw positivity #mental illness positivity #good vibes #lgbtq #genderqueer #nonbinary

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werewolfmind · 5 years

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TW Dec 18 tw Depression tw suicide

long rant, venting, stream of consciousness

PLEASE DONT READ if youre in any way vulnerable to this event. I’m hurting so much tonight and help is appreciated, but this is more like a letter/prayer to him than anything else.

my heart hurts so much tonight, I just prayed to Jonghyun but I cant stop missing him and feeling the hole he left in the world

Its been almost 2 years, almost a full year since I let myself grieve and try to heal....I cant yet

I still see the world as Before he left and After he left

I cant listen to SHINee or any of their solo projects without thinking of what I knew Before and what I’ve discovered After.

I’m so ashamed to say its what brought me back and made me a true shawol, because i was so miserable and angry and upset I had overlooked someone so beautiful and talented. But would I have come back to them otherwise? Would I have discovered how amazing Taemin was, would I be a part of the SuperM hype right now or even know about it?? Im not sure

I believe everything happens for a reason as far as us being lead in the direction we need to go. But I also believe what happened was the destructive and awful derailing that was never meant to happen. Maybe me being led to SHINee through it was a way to cope and my way of making sure I never experienced it again. But what about what DID happen?

Ive been wondering all day: If Jonghyun was still alive, would he be in SuperM? Would it be him instead of Taemin, or would it be the two of them? What wouldve happened if he couldve been saved, even just by a few seconds? What if I had reached out?

I know that last one is ridiculous savior-complex stuff, I couldnt save him, no one person could do that, certainly not a stranger even if they are a devoted fan.

But I cant stop going through What Ifs.

What if I had come back to the fandom in 2014, like I had a passing thought to? What if I had actually had a few years to know him, to see him for the artist he was, to experience that. Before he was gone.

I’ve had...daydreams or fantasies arent the right words, but thoughts, images...of how it couldve turned out.

I feel like I dont deserve to be his or SHINees fan sometimes. Does part or most of my love for him/them come from what happened? From my regret? Or because I truly value them??

I’m trying to live well for him, and I pray to him to keep me strong.

But I cant stop seeing Before and After, I cant stop HATING myself every day for not knowing him because I was BUSY? I couldve had time with him. And maybe it wouldve made things worse, but I wouldnt be being eaten alive by this feeling that im a fake fan and that I love someone so deeply that I never knew and never will. And now I cant look back on old videos or new (to me) songs without thinking that Ive missed something I can never get back

Its not as simple as a live show or a fan meet. It’s YOU.

I know its not as simple as you being here; you were in pain, and I would never wish for you to return to that. But theres always hope, and I wish you couldve found it an kept going. Maybe things couldve changed.. Maybe you could get the help and security you deserved.

I wish I didnt know. I wish you’d never done it I wish someone found you before it was too late I wish someone had said the right thing I wish I had known I wish I had cherished you more I wish I’d never found SHINee I wish I’d been involved more

I will regret it all for my entire life, I know that in my soul. How can I get past this?I dont know how to deal with this, how to stop being angry at myself and stop seeing before and after and just see YOU and SHINEE and your brothers. See Taemin’s success. See how much they love each other and you. See the talent and hear just the music,I havent been able to do that since I found out...

Shawols always say you were more than what happened, and I know that. But lately, its all I can think about when anything close to you comes up. How do I fix that? How do I stop thinking about how much I just wish you were here, now. Please tell me how to stop seeing only the misery--if you know that now, up in Heaven, I could really use some help.

#personal #tw december 18 #tw suicide #tw hopelessness #i wont tag his name i dont want others reliving it

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atroubledoll · 6 years

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im trying to figure out the next move. because i need a bit of distance if it is this reality. which it is. i want to be happy. eventually. this year has been so intense. i can't find a comforting song either. it feels weird to feel this alone. this is only one night though. maybe tommorrow i will have a more linear plan and an idea of the upcoming. hopefully something works out. i still have dreams, i can remove myself from this area and scene. be someone else. i once was. i can work on my issues out there. and not have to be here and dwell in what was, and cope with the loneliness the way i do now. i have no idea what that would look like. it is a scary concept. im afraid to let go of all that was, but im going to.

i am a mess of a girl. not a woman. but there are some truths ive held quietly, reaffirmed from people who loved me this year. and who have known me for awhile.

im not ugly. i know it. i do know that and nothing anyone could say, would make me feel otherwise. i actually am pretty proud of my ridiculous loud, colourful, drag queeny style. im creative. it manifests in my entire being. i don't have a huge chin. lmao i don't. i am doll faced you motherfuckers lmao.

im creative. im an artist. i make things. ive always drawn. i like to create when i can. everything ever needs to be personalized. it isn't childish. i dont know how to not make everything uniquely mine. that's what i do. im not good with people. conversations. but i am a great listener. im not loud I'm too quiet. but i am a decent friend. the friends i make, i tend to really get to know. on a pretty deep level. i cherish those friendships. i love the ones i have with my family. im not a writer. but i can't stop writing. i crave understanding. it is easier to lay it all out in long, overwrought, rambling, expressive ass letters. my writing is full of hope and flinchworthy affection. i really think like that. im not very grounded. i need a layer of probability. kawaii glittery goddamn possibilities. that kind of hope for something amazing to happen over a weekend, like you are predestined for some distant, foggy just enough. an almost its alright in the world. I filter life through this lense and i get its a coping mechanism. but it is really inspiring. I'm a Lisbon girl. I am Cecilia. I am "ti jean" looking at dean moriarity. I admire and its enough to incite an inner passion. overwhelming, nonsensical, unfiltered, ravenous seeking. unabashed over romanticization. a not giving a fuck that most don't get it. i am often crash and burn but i never sought any kind of conventional societal confinement. it has lead me to ridiculous and new experiences. a no set goal destination. the goal is a feeling. and a community. im okay with not really knowing. i just need to reignite the want to discover. ravenous for new experience, books, obscure music, all of the things that inspired me when I was a teenager looking outward for something more. i can feel it. i contain a scary unbalanced, uncouth yearning that spirals me forward. i have definitely been able to reel it in easier. but its existence is essential and makes living way harder than it should be. everyone can line up for the spectacle. grab popcorn while im here. that is acceptable. i don't live in that realm though. i can't contain all of the pitiful, indecipherable too much of my thoughts. i lived in a world for so long where no one is willing to speak on it. I like letting the people i admire know. people deserve to know the good in them. i don't need to look cool. im unabashedly unfuckingcool. I am aware of most of my fatal character flaws. I can admit them I just really need to find some way to work on them and isolate my toxicity.

I guess that really makes my love empty ultimately. feelings without action. something I need to learn how to do. because we shouldn't have had to live in our sad, insanely viotale whirlwind of a relationship. we were in love though. a ridiculous, high strung, passionate affair that burned out fast in a tristessa kind of way. a seemingly unworkable, i wish. the too potent, unhealthy way two people who are outliers and have insanity as an interest would. 70s era NYC punk rock. beat poetry on amphetamines. a mistake you can later romanticize over in a sad way. i put you on a pedestal indeed. because I didn't communicate, stood silent out of my fear. the only way you felt my love was out of actions, nothing substancial or you'd have stayed. just physical touch applied carefully, intently. moon fan girl eyes , an audience. it isn't enough for an actual adult relationship. letters of admiration were bizarre. but just know you really are a transformative lover. I didn't expect you. you are a rarity, and full of indescribable depths. I don't care if my fangirling is looked down on. I meant the things I've said to you. you're a poet with something important to say, you are altruistic and your other good traits are annoying. you're a remarkable person who I will always remember. I wish you didn't spark a ridiculous, unexperienced, steady passion in me. I have been aching for awhile now. this will definitely be a painful , long undoing for me to process alone. the emptiness is a constant. if I could recall more of the hurt to the forefront I'd be easier. but I was worse. and my memories are soft and full of your precise love. the things we experienced together noone would ever know of. a shared tenderness, and an actual soul recognition that was rare. I love youi know thats not enough. but you actually know me. I can be a demon to the outer world. but at our heart I hope you remember the letters. "achin' to be" cued up for this sad girl sitting cross legged on your floor, when we felt what it was like to be so indespensible to eachother. countless other memories that proved this was once a mutual, encompassing felt rare thing. one where we were both hurt because it really meant something. I'm a naive lil asshole but i loved you at a shrine i errected in my heart devoutly until it was obvious you never visited anymore. o couldn't be more remorseful that I hurt you. you deserve so much good. thank you for your radience and unreal care. that's it.

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zamo666 · 6 years

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BTS helped me love myself

Before I knew about BTS, I was severely depressed,anxious with a low self-esteem. I had struggled with being bullied due to being classed as a feminine “gay” looking boy on top of my self-esteem issues. I struggled with harming myself for far too long, in silence.

I had tried to recover and all the counselors I went to would tell me, “well, have you tried music?” I always had done, music is what I love- I love it more than anything in the world, I love drowning out the world with music. But it never helped me, it was just something I always listened to but never helped me with any of my problems. This was all until I found BTS. Their music was so different than anything I had ever listened to, in a multitude of ways. The most obvious being the very distinct language-barrier, to go from only hearing English music; to then listening to 98% of the song being sang in Korean. But it was new. The music was also something that really grasped my interest, it felt different to western music, it had something to it- that I still don't know what.

I listened to the music for about 2 weeks just appreciating how fresh and different it was, until I decided to search up the English translations for all the songs. I was very lucky that I discovered BTS when they were already very famous, being able to easily find the translations,straight away. One of the main songs I remember looking up was a song that my bias (a particular “favourite” from the group) had sang. “Always-RM” The song's English translations were spine chilling. It perfectly described the emotions I felt at this patch in my life, where I was surrounded by overwhelming anxiety and sadness, even though I should have been happy: it was summer.

The lines that hit close

“One morning,I opened my eyes

And wished I was dead”

When you struggle with lots of sadness, it hits you as soon as you open your eyes. It's an overwhelming weight on your shoulders, just the pain of merely existing. It is excruciatingly painful.

“I want someone to kill me

In this loud silence”

Anxiety leaves you wanting to be killed, feeling to stressed to cope with being near others. Being lonely is often linked with silence, having nobody there with you. But when your mind is racing and overloading with thoughts, silence is indeed, very,very loud.

“I live to understand the world

But the world has never understood me”

You are constantly stuck with never being understood. I am definitely privileged, I have a roof over me and food on my plate, more than most the world. So why am I sad?I have everything and all the opportunities in the world waiting for me, but none of it matters when you're sad.

“If I ever met God

I would tell him life is coffee I never ordered”

When you are so lost even if-like me- you do not believe in God/Gods, you begin to question everything. This line suggests life is merely something nobody we can control if we have it or not.

Always is still a song that means a lot to me, it still comforts me when I am sad just like a cup of tea when I have a cold. Like it's there for reassurance. I thank this song for it's meaningful lyrics, while I do not speak Korean, I know what these words mean: I hope Korean fans cherish this song like a cup of tea.

Shortly after I began to like BTS they released their album “Answer: Love yourself”. I cry while writing this, out of pure happiness. This album means so much to me, giving me the recovery I know I deserved.

I'll slowly break down what a few songs in this album meant to me

A song not originally off this album, but still on it: Serendipity.

Jimin's vocals are always beyond stunning and this song will always make me cry. The song is about love and Jimin truly shines, his angelic voice matches the songs message and the music is so soft, perfectly compliments his voice.

Trvia:Love , a great song by Kim Namjoon- my bias.

I dont really know what to say other than this song is just beautiful because Namjoon wrote it, sang it perfectly and he does everything perfectly. Thats all I really need to say about this.

Fake love is a song that is about love but can be easily be applied to many situations. For me, the song is about giving too much to others but never being able to give yourself the love you deserve.

“I gave the world just for you

I changed it all just for you

Now I dunno me, who are you?”

This applies to self love, I gave people everything to make them happy- even my best friend, who I came so close to loosing after my sadness- but in the process it meant I lost all sense of myself. I am still finding myself, which is also part of the next song. By far the most meaningful to me (on this album)

Answer: love myself is the song that changed my entire life. It opened my eyes and if you already like the song, please look up the translations whatever they might be in your language. They truly touch my heart

“Loving myself might be harder

Than loving somebody else

Lets admit it

The standards I made are more strict for myself

…

Once winter passes, spring always comes

…

You've (in reference to BTS) shown me I have reasons

I should love myself

…

It's just that loving myself

Doesn't require anyone else's permission

I'm looking for myself again

But I dont want to die anymore”

They're only some of the meaningful lyrics, As somebody who has been hating themselves since they were about 8,you may understand why loving myself is very important. I finally am learning to love myself and accept I shouldnt live my life to the standards of others, when it holds me back.

Please, before any other fandom judges ARMY for being a bunch of screaming fangirls/fanboys, understand they help us so we may be screaming because we love them. We love them for their ability to help us

So Kim Namjoon, you wanted to my story?Well this is it

Thank you

-From a fanboy

#bts #namjoon #kim namjoon #taehyung #bts seokjin #yoongi #hobi #jhope #hoseok #jimin #jungkook #lovemyself

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deadlyredheartbreaker · 6 years

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What made you decide to write this muse?

Munday Questions // accepting!!

{{ oh this is actually a LONG story lmao so strap in.

so first i got into soul eater when i was about 11 or 12, and just around then i had also first discovered tumblr ( the rules say you have to be 13 but it’s not like i listened ). i had actually been roleplaying for a few years on deviantart, but i was completely banned from there by my mom bc i was doing Naughty Things ( please kids dont smut if you’re under 18 ) so i had to find a new outlet for my blossoming creativity. probably like, literally THE DAY i finished soul eater, i made an rp blog with two soul eater ocs, a meister and weapon pair named gwen and hoshi ( they were...Bad )

but i was actually pretty well accepted into the community despite my awful ocs. i found myself a nice little group in with a few other oc blogs and a REALLY nice spirit blog ( shout out to bipolarclumsiness and redhotscythe hope yall lead good lives now ) and somehow, i think it was bc of a magic anon, i wrote as stein for a day bc he was My Fave Character. and my friends said i did really well as him? so i decided to start a stein blog! ( currently sitting covered in dust over at masteringmadness-archive )

i ran that for a long time, and through that blog is actually how i met my friend, who at the time ran an mlp oc blog ( interesting crossover i know ). we clicked very well and actually started to do a lot of private rp ( we still do!! sneak peak into our chat rn: stein is a mob boss and spirit is getting Fucked by axel from kingdom hearts )

anyway bc of us doing our private rps i ended up as spirit a lot of the time, and honestly? i clicked with him WAY more than i did with stein. i love stein to bits but i felt i could never do him justice bc i made him too serious or too silly and also i’m A Dumbass and he’s A Gotdam Genius. but spirit is silly and fun and loving and as much as i wanted more content from him, him being more of a supporting cast member gives me a lot more room to grow and interpret his character ( even tho i already ignore most of canon and just carve for juicy bits but that’s neither here nor there ). he’s also a GREAT canvas to project all of my issues with anxiety and relationships on to lmao

so then back in 2014 i decided to officially make a spirit blog! ( honestly i mostly did it so me and my friend could do more of our ultra rare pair spirit/axel but whatever ) i actually,,,didnt get as many interactions here as on my other blogs so that was a little bit disheartening, my only rp partner really was @young-golden-eyed-doctor whomst i still cherish. but around that time was when my depression REALLY kicked in, so keeping up the blog when not a lot of people seem interested ( while i was also suffering through high school ) was really hard so i ended up just...dropping itim honestly glad i didnt delete tho, bc obviously i came back!! i actually owe that a lot to a discord server i joined in late february ( another shout out to #ClubThirsty ) which was focused on selfshipping with borderlands characters. everyone is really nice there and honestly i’ve had the most fun writing my self insert there and collaborating with the admin on the overarching story. and i just thought about how much i missed roleplaying, and when a couple of others in the chat made rp blogs i decided to make the push and relaunch this blog!

im so glad i did, it’s been so much fun and im so grateful for all the new friends and rp partners i’ve made ( and i miraculously got back in touch with my old stein partner thru a different blog of theirs!! ). this past month has been the most fun i’ve had in the tumblr rpc and people are a lot more welcoming than back when i first started.

anyway sorry this is so fuckin long djskfhjdksk

#long post #;ooc #wise deathscythe { asks }#munday #spiritalbarn

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torkieestar5 · 6 years

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The Manhunt of Life

“I know not all that may be coming but be it what it will I’ll go to it laughing.” – Herman Melville

This quote was at the end of my “Today’s Going To Be Great” Page-A-Day calendar for 2018. It sings to me directly so I’ve decided it will be my motto for 2019. I need to let go this fear of mine of not having enough time. I believe this quote can guide me there. It’s the living here, now, in this moment and simply enjoying it for everything it is. Then doing the same thing tomorrow and the day after that.

I’ve practiced daily gratitude for years now. This is a genuine act of appreciation because it grounds me and reminds me of the abundant blessings that have been bestowed upon me – a reminder I need sometimes when I feel pulled down into my privileged problems. I’ve found that the reward is tenfold for practicing this. With it comes a perpetual gift that continues to be regenerated; even more things to be grateful for! It’s like a magic trick that we sometimes forget we know how to perform ourselves. So my theory based on this is that if I can remember to be thankful for the time I have today and to cherish it, perhaps the same transaction will transpire. I’ll finally have all the time I need.

When a new year begins I find it inevitable not to feel all of its possibility. It is a vast clean-slate of opportunity to practice our inner magic; to discover and to apply. It is also daunting to have to a Santa length list of resolutions and goals you’d like to achieve in what seems like a massive amount of time but what really is only 365 days.

Of course, I have many things I want to bring into fruition, always have. My list of wishes most likely outnumbers the stars. I have always used this as my excuse; there are too many things I want to do. This feeling overwhelms me enough to stop me from accomplishing any of them, an excuse that keeps me away from living my true heart’s desire.

You cannot hide long from what you love most – it always finds you. The manhunt of life, if you will, reminding you that there is a reason you hear its call. It’s what you were meant to do. I chalk it up to what I like to call the stages of acceptance:

1. Something irks you.

2. You take notice and vocalize it.

3. Resentment sets in.

4. Realization of said resentment.

5. Wrestling with your emotions about this discovery.

6. Acceptance that it relates to you.

7. Actually applying what your findings are and how they relate to what you must do for yourself.

They say the first step is the hardest one but I find this last one to be the kicker. It is so difficult to jump into what you love to do. No matter how many times you remind yourself of the quote that goes “what would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail?”

Anyone who knows me even slightly, known that music and singing has been my true love and deepest passion amongst the many arts and adventures I fill my days with. But I shy away from music the most, convincing myself that I’m not good enough. As I get older, I realize that it is really only me stopping myself and screaming that narrative. It is time to shut that monkey mind off.

The universe provides us with pushes and pulls that bring us where we need to be, we only need to be open to receiving them and then, step seven, apply them. 2018 brought to my attention a musician who has helped me go through the stages of acceptance when it comes to making music. She has released a brilliant, perfect record called Stranger in the Alps and an EP with a supergroup of young folk/alternative females. Ryan Adams has dubbed her “a unicorn in the music business”. Her song “Smoke Signals” is what I refer to as a travelogue song; one that encapsulates a lifetime of observation and experience, which brought me to tears the first time I heard it, something that hasn’t happened since Tori Amos’ “Pick Out Your Cloud”. She’s not even 25 yet and she already has a ridiculous amount of wisdom and talent. I couldn’t help but think to myself ‘not fair’.

Actually, I’m not being fair to myself because who is to say I cannot do the same in my own way? Phoebe Bridgers grew up listening to Jackson Browne and Joni Mitchell and told herself that what they did was what she wanted to do AND DID IT. My jealousy set in along with admiration as I listened. When I saw her perform live, the experience shook me to my core. This was the defining moment of 2018 for me. This is what I want to do myself – one of my many callings but the one that tops the list – the one that grasps my heart the tightest. It’s time to pay attention and act.

It’s time to let go of the idea of being good enough or of not having anything worthy to offer. Release the hope to be a musical prodigy. Let go of the desire to be able to paint worlds like Joni Mitchel and Kate Bush can or be as prolific as Tori Amos and Sara Bareilles or have a voice like Sarah Vaughn and Paula Cole. As I write this Phoebe Bridgers is humming the conclusion track of her album. Amazon plays a bonus track immediately after it, which I have not heard until this moment – this glorious, universe nudging moment. “It’ll All Work Out” is the name of the track and although the lyrics do not pertain specifically to my situation, some phrases resonate and the title itself is sign enough, not to mention it is a beautiful song. She sings that “it never goes away but it all works out.”

So instead of putting pressure on myself to make a list of resolutions in a strict timeline, I am just going to enjoy being here, now. Being present and laughing. They’ll be music and singing to help steer me home to my true self. I don’t need to be envious of Phoebe Bridgers, only thankful that she and her music remind me that it’s my calling too. We don’t need another her, we just need a fully realized me.

2019 Goal: Live for the now, laugh…and sing!

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vitalmindandbody · 7 years

Text

10 Simple-minded Ways To Heal A Broken Heart

I cant do this anymore.

The terms still reverberating in your ears, ricochetting around until they land like a punch in the gut. Youre instantly transported to a new world, one you didnt know existed before this moment. A world-wide and life without your beloved.

It doesnt feel real. You pinch yourself to wake up from this nightmare, but youre still here, still revolving from this declaration, this revocation of love.

Warm snaps stream down your face until you begin to sob, that terrifying uncontrollable sobbing that leaves you gasping for air. You want to hide away, cry yourself to sleep, and somehow magically feel better tomorrow.

Weve all been here. Or some modification of it. Weve all had our centers cracked and stomped on. Weve all diverted over every moment of our relations in our headings and wondered, What could I have done differently?

But we are now transported into a macrocosm where the love we seemed is grasped away from the americans and dont know what to do with ourselves other than suffers and sorrow our loss.

I recently read a work that briefly touched upon anguish and its advice mostly amounted to go out with your lovers as far as possible. WTF? Thats it? Thats how Im going to heal my mettle? Most of my lovers are scattered in all regions of the world. Becoming out with them every night isnt even a viable option.

How on globe do you turn off those kinds of impressions? What happens to affection lost? How do you mend a broken heart? I decided to investigate how to mend my own shattered heart.

In previous breakups, Ive simply idly fallen into my personal motifs of desire lost. For me, I exclaim, I stay in bed, watch bad tv, chew cookie dough, and hide away from the people who love me. I mainly dont DO anything. I sit and wait.

Because time heals all winds, right? Or does it? If occasion is a construct of our attentions, do “weve been” have to wait for the occur of period, something illusory to mend ourselves? Can we speed up the process of healing our wraps? How much is impossible to ensure our healing through our wars and blueprints?

So, instead of blindly falling into my decorations, I started to ask myself some questions about my habits. Im looking at my structures with enjoying interest, playing with them a little bit, realise what is actually acting me and determining what patterns are there exclusively because of economy, because my memory, form, and nerve are too tired for anything but pattern. And heres what Ive learned

1. Lean Into Sensation

Essentially, everything we know as physical beings comes down to sensation that we name good or bad. When I began to lean into the wizard in my body, requesting what it had to tell me, thoughts began to transform. I asked where the ache lives in my torso. I closed my eyes and supposed symbolizing my excitement. I described what it felt like in writing, how I had to remind myself to breathe and how fascinating the absence of a act- breath and love feels so heavy.

I examined the tightening in my chest, trying not to label it good or bad, just simply as superstar. Human tolerating is predominantly an expression of the results of labeling event as good or bad and right or wrong.

The thing about perception is, its ever changing. It doesnt stay forever. When we change our perspective of know-how merely being a temporary district of existence, it takes service charges out of it, simply through the simple-minded number of observation. In my own experience, the sensation itself tend to change faster the closer I look at it.

By noticing how heavy the fact that there is breath felt, I began to fill my lungs with slower, deeper breaths and learnt my entire being become a bit lighter.

2. Frankie Says Relax

Remember those t-shirts from the 80 s from Frankie goes to Hollywood? Passes out those guys had a good idea.

While this might seem a little bit self-contradictory to simply discovering perception, this practice of tightening your body has slightly different merits. We support so much better tension in our mass on a daily basis, and its even more amplified in times of high-pitched stress.

Make a practice of checking each part of your mas for tension. I like to start out lying down on my back and closing my gazes like I would for savasana. Take a couple of deep sighs, then try to contract and tense up every single muscle in your organization at once. Hold this for got a couple of seconds, then liberate the tension in your whole mas. Repeat a couple of times. I find it helpful to see the comparison in how my person tones between the tension and the relaxation.

Then take it further by slowly checking each part of your form from leader to toe. Tense up an individual muscle group for a moment, then exhaust it. Crinkle your forehead, and handout. Squeeze your eyes tight, and handout. Clench your jaw, and handout. Press your tongue to the ceiling of your opening, then make it hang loose in your mouth.

You get the picture. We all know we view so much friction and stress in our shoulders and backs, but also pay attention to the little neighbourhoods. Tightening the smallest muscle radicals, particularly in my appearance, often prepare the most difficult difference in how I seem afterwards.

3. Move It

Rest is important in mending a middle. But I often situate too much emphasis on it. Yes, I need to take care of myself with sleep and the blessing of stillness. But I now believe it is equally important to move your torso very. The medium of shift isnt important. Just move.

On day one I went to a yin yoga class. While technically moving my body, the needs of the of yin yoga are much less than read a spin class. Yin allowed me to extend my form while still allowing me to appear introverted and my existence internalized which was all I could handle.

On day two I croaked for a four mile walk in the common. I remained my headphones on and didnt talk to anyone, but extended my legs and got plenty of oxygen into my lungs.

This movement is facilitating me hinder some momentum and vigour for other aspects of “peoples lives” I dont want to placed on hold while my centre heals.

4. Reach For A Better Feeling Thought

This one can feel a bit tricky. For starters, the thought of exuberance can feel so far removed from where you are right now. So, start where you are.

If you are depressed, what next best happen can you contact for? Depression is experiencing hopeless, disheartened, retiring. There isnt even any energy around depression. Happiness and desire can feel like a world away from depression.

Can you reach for something that seems slightly better than this powerless desperation? Perhaps hope? Or wrath or storm? Most passions have more vitality behind them than hollow. While temper isnt a situate you want to stay in, it can also stimulus some movement.

What if every day you worked towards an spirit merely one step in future directions you wish to move? Take a look at the Emotional Guidance System scale I formed from Ask and it is Given below. Moving up by one spirit a daylight will put you in a pretty good region in not so long a time.

There is something else to watch out for here. In the midst of my profound bereavement, I have minutes of genuine laugh when I hear something funny. The first few meters it happened, I immediately experienced guilty.

It was as if my feeling good in any way was a disloyalty to my broken heart. My mentality was telling me that if I feel good, its as if I didnt appreciate such relationships as much as I felt I did. Well, that is hogwash. That is my hurt ego talking. My relationship mean and still signifies “the worlds” to me. Tell me be really clear on this point…

If youre having a hard time contacting for a better sensitive conception, try some visualizations. Stay away from thinks about your relationship and cherish. They are very charged topics, so start somewhere easy.

Close your eyes, thought the sentiments of the warm sunlight on your look, and cool breeze on bare shoulders. Dream the flavor of your favorite dinner on your tongue. Dream your abs hurting after a good belly laugh. Improve on this feeling with knowledge from our lives you can draw from. What in your life is full of ease and joy?

5. Surround Yourself With Reminders Of Truth, Beauty, And Love

I have a tattoo on my left forearm that enunciates Love Inspired by a blog upright called the Beauty of the Ellipsis, it serves as a reminder that ardour isnt a finished thinking. It is always in motion, ever deriving. Adoration for myself, my family, your best friend, and those Ive lost.

I have a maple seed necklace to remind me that in every moment Im planting the seeds of my future. I have prisms hanging from my windows for an extra perforate of coloring and rainbows on sunny epoches. I am gradually building a jungle in my house. I fill empty spaces with plants that remind me of life and vitality even on the grayest of days.

Fill your encircles and life with little bits that remind you of what you know to be true, beautiful, and joyful. These neednt be grandiose or expensive, just simply concepts that reverberate with you. Here are some ideas to get you started.

Flowers from Traders Joes. Pinterest board filled with beauty. Follow an inspiring Instagram or Tumblr account. Make or find a mantra. Use Canva to build and print out invigorating paraphrases to embellish your room. Croak for a step and find the perfect stone to bring home. Find a brand-new favorite aroma and spread it around your mansion liberally. Buy new stationary. Treat yourself to a book from Etsy. Draw portrait or stimulating mentions with sidewalk chalk in your vicinity. Find a neighbourhood neighbourhood to make a coffee or tea mug. Alternately, find one that impresses your imagination at Society6. Create an altar or sacred cavity and crowd it with crystals, palo santo, and offerings. Spend day with children. Find reminders of your truism and joy.

These may seem to be insignificant things that are only on the surface, but I find the more I border myself with items that experience whimsical and magical in some small-scale acces, the more Im able to remind myself of how I want to feel in each time. They help me choose to feel glee and magical when I might otherwise choose grief.

6. Self-Care Saturday( Or any era. Or every day !)

We can be quite penalize to ourselves in times of conflict and stress, so take some time to really take care of yourself in some way.

Were all busy and charged with the responsibility, but if you dont take care of yourself first, the main responsibilities can begin to suffer as a result. Im more focused and productive when Ive taken care of my necessities first. I attend to my responsibilities in a bigger and better behavior when my goblet is full , not empty.

Theres a lot of area for reading here as to what self-care consider this to be for each person. While technically, all the suggestions in this article are a species of self-care, I miss “youve got to” block off some time specifically for self-care, mining deeper into what that means for you.

Maybe its taking a long, palatial shower and spending duration pampering yourself with tinctures for your skin that move you feel radiant. It might be spending a duo hours in live animals shelter fondling with puppies and kittens. Perhaps its planning a hot stone rub. Maybe its nourishing your form with vibrant healthy food youve cooked yourself. It might be taking a couple hours to read a book thats been sitting on your nightstand for months.

Tailor your self-care and rotate it into a weekly or even daily ritual.

7. Invest in Yourself

Im willing to bet everyone has something new theyd like to try if merely they had the time, coin, or excuse.

Here is your allow stumble to try that something new.

Did you want to pick up knitting, or perhaps learn to play the guitar? Maybe memorized some bayonet abilities to hoist your prepare? Rock climbing, sky diving, paint, memorizing another language, the possibilities are interminable. You can find a class on just about whatever it is you like online these days.

As progenies, we try brand-new occasions all the time. Its how we discover and change at an exceptional charge. But this slows down as we grow up and our visual field becomes smaller as we narrow down our athletic field. So expand your compass, invest in yourself in some way, and learn something new.

The cognitive requirements of memorizing something new are also welcome to serve as a great pattern of distraction when you need a distraction. Perhaps youll be brought to an end picking up a brand-new hobby, check off another carton on your pail listing, or have a good story to tell.

8. The F wordForgiveness

Ahh, a big creepy one! The topic of forgiveness can be a fiction in itself. Perhaps there is a requirement forgive the actions of your ex, or maybe forgive yourself for your own. Or a combination of both.

We dont always like to forgive people for actions we deem incorrect or unkind because it can feel like we are giving them a free pass. But Ive became aware that maintaining onto exasperation and resentment is always worse. Its a tremendous force suck and you cant find joyful as the same duration “you think youre” feeling justified in your fury. So, I select my own gaiety over my resentment.

Its a choice to make over and over again. Its not easy to forgive in one large-hearted sweeping action. It generally happens in increments. Its helpful to practice radical rapport, vividly dreaming how it feels to be the person who did you wrong. You know most people are essentially doing the best they can with the information they have at each minute. It becomes easier to suppose why they did what they did when you put yourself in their shoes. You begin to feel more empathy for them.

You recognize that the indignation youre accommodating acts no one. And you gradually begin to let it go, piece by piece.

Because forgiveness is not for them, its for YOU.

9. Afford what you wish to receive

I was walking around, detecting like no one loves me, which is totally and completely untrue, but when youre heartbroken, your subconsciou does all kinds of irrational thoughts. I received a pal of mine berth about writing a note of encouragement to a pal, and I wished to be that friend with every fiber of my being. I wanted to open up my mailbox and receive letters of cherish, a validation of the adoration that exists for me.

I expected myself what could I do to feel that adoration? I decided to Pay what I wished to RECEIVE. I started writing words of encouragement and love to pals and strangers alike. All I had to do was write what I wanted to hear, for myself. It was that easy.

This did two things for me.

One, the brain doesnt is the difference between handing, receiving, or even witnessing magnanimity. When you perform an act of kindness, the pleasure and rewards cores light up, releasing feel good chemicals as if you were the recipient, which some psychologists have dubbed the helpers high.

Two, it demo me that we live in a macrocosm of abundance. I dont is a requirement to accumulation away love and kindness to keep it. It actually thrives when I open it away. Its generative. And often, when you demonstrate adore and kindness away, others are inspired to mirror your enjoy and kindness back to you as well as fee it forward to others.

We cannot presume to understand the dominance of the extent of what a few kind words can do for someone and its ripple effect on the world. Win win triumph!

10. Investigate Your Own Patterns

This is by no means a complete list. Merely recommendations of the start of opportunities for your own healing. The biggest occasion you can do for yourself is to get curious, examine your own personal decorations in its own experience of sorrow, and doubt each one.

Hold each one up as they sound and question Does this suffice me?

If the answer is truly yes, keep it. If the answer is no, try something new or the opposite of that first inclination. Play with the brand-new reaction, see if that one provides you better, prepares you feel better both in the present and the long term.

And most important, be gentle with yourself. There are epoch to push your borders, to peruse, and to experiment. But i still have a meter for rest and a is necessary to give. Dedicate yourself the grace to know you are where you need to be when you need to be.

Know that you wont always feel like your centre has been rent out of your chest. Lessen the distance between a shattered heart and a mended middle by experimenting with these alternatives to your motifs. One day youll open your middle again and feel the rushing of falling in love. Youll look into attentions that truly see you and reflect your feeling back to you. And youll be ready for large-scale ardour because youve already done their efforts to heal your middle.

The post 10 Simple-minded Ways To Heal A Broken Heart appeared first on vitalmindandbody.com.

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years

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This Eating Disorder Awareness Campaign Boycotts The ‘Before’ Photo

This is how you make a statement.

Recently, some Instagram consumers took on the before and after photos the phenomenon where people post likeness of their bodies from once they are dealing with an anorexia nervosa and then pictures of them after they recovered through a hashtag campaign called #BoycottTheBefore. The uprights boast a blacked out before epitome as a acces to make it clear that appearance analogies arent always reflective of a healthy form and mind.

The campaign is meant to address the provoking quality of the photos for those regaining from an eating disorder. It generated by Lexie Louise, A 21 -year-old body postivie blogger, in mid-February after investigating her own personal before-and-after convalescence photos. She realized that they were able prompting for others who may also be dealing with an anorexia nervosa or send the incorrect meaning about what the condition actually looks like.

#BoycottTheBefore I have an clause that will be published on the sister website of @neda soon that explores this in more detailed information. I’ll share it when it’s posted but is intended to share some now. (( I don’t is planned to reproach all those who had shared their recuperation photos. I’d like to offer different perspectives because it’s important to open the conversation rather than usurp everyone is on board. I hope those who disagree can speak kindly and non-judgmentally in return .)) For those in early convalescence especially, our eating disorders can persuasion us to compare digits or sizes, or even see us inquiry, “Am I sick enough to receive assist? Because such person or persons seems to need it more than me”. That are very significantly destructive when it comes to this. These photos likewise solely picture physical emergence. It is a huge fallacy still that those who have eating disorder must be physically underweight to be considered striving. It reinforces a misconception that “youre seeing” who is struggling. The true is: we aren’t telling the whole story through these photos, even with our captions. “Theres” beings in retrieval who don’t seem comfy sharing their photos at all. And there are also beings in retrieval who simply cannot relate to having any offending physical changes. Overall, though those of us who can share these photos are praised for sharing them and may be creating short term change, “were about” feeding into the errors of eating disorders and unhappily not building area to compose real, long term change. So gives fight back. I encourage “youve got to” responsibly share your recuperation narrative this NEDA awareness week if “youre feeling” cozy doing so. I also support “youve got to” taken into account in other beings those in recuperation and those whom we are trying to educate. And I foster you to use the photo depicted on the left as your before photo if you want to support this project. We are so much more than comparison photos. We are strong, resilient fighters and we will go against the grain and continue to fight to be seen and listen even if that represents not receiving instantaneous validation. Like convalescence, change takes time; it is a wander but it is possible .

A post shared by Lexie (@ soworthsaving) on Feb 16, 2017 at 6:05 pm PST

Posting these analogy photos is facilitating the idea that you can see everyone else who has eating disorder, she wrote in an Instagram caption following removing the personas. It is also allowing the competition among those struggling with designs like, well, Im not sick enough to get help because I dont look like that.

Since she started the campaign, the hashtag has taken off with more than 1,000 submissions. Model Iskra Lawrence, who has been open about her own retrieval from an eating disorder, shared her own boycott photo.

( This upright is seeing Eating disorder& recuperation NOT the fitness industry/ or weight loss). Please read before delivering judgement as this is NOT me telling you NOT to post before and afters or lessening the achievements and accomplishments of those who are proud of their excursions. I adore verifying people celebrating how far they’ve come and altogether get why( myself included) choose to berth before and afters . . But let’s open the discussion ….. # BoycottTheBefore was started by @soworthsaving and I’m so proud to be part of this movement . . I myself have seemed the pressure to post before and after pics to validate that I too stood … but that’s absolutely no truth to the rumors. We do not need to prove that we fought, we do not need to feel like anyone may have fought more or less because maybe there before and after photos aren’t as “dramatic”. It’s not even about that, it’s ever about how far you’ve succeeded so @boycottthebefore is here to celebrate YOU right now! To celebrate how far you’ve come and maybe how far you still have to go – there is no perfect convalescence& everyones is totally unique . . I do however want to say I’m not against posting before and afters, I have done so too and will be keeping them up. Nonetheless this is also a really great letter and I hope to see lots of of you labelling me in your pics( I’ve shared pics of the individuals who labelled me precisely swipe to discover )… I’m forever inspired by the convalescence& bopo local communities and I’m grateful for every single person who empowers one another and shares their beautiful unique provoke with us all . . To read @soworthsaving blog post about such movements going to see @neda or http :// proud2bme. org/ material/ eating-disorder-comparison-photos-boycott #NEDA #everyBODYisbeautiful( bikini is @aerie) No makeup no retouching #aeriereal

A post shared by i s k r a (@ iskra) on Feb 25, 2017 at 1:28 pm PST

Sharing a’ before'( frequently dangerously underweight and makes surprise and sneer in numerous) against the’ after'( frequently a healthier heavines and probably smiling) is something commonly occurring on ED awareness week. This is only demonstrating a physical change and one that feeds into the underweight form stereotype( and for those who have suffered that never have been underweight, where does that leave them ?) I’m not going to put a’ before’ picture of myself on that may trigger others or potentially realise others feel like their eating disorder is less valid. My own anorexia nervosa would cherish me to post one, for some means of validation/ reassurance and proof to others that’ hey ogle yes I was dangerously ill and here is your proof now you have to believe me by this to justify whatever notion you have about someone with anorexia’ NO. I have nothing toprove to anyone. Trying to spread the word of eating disorder being an internal combat and illness of the attention but posting photos reinforcing the opposite? It isn’t a competition( whatever your anorexia nervosa “re saying” ). Telling people how you exerted x amount and weighed xlbs and subsisted on simply x a epoch does not educate people on this mental illness. I don’t is intended to be buttressing this stigma that so people are trying so hard to break away from. Boycott the before. #boycottthebefore #nedaweek #eatingdisorderawareness #recovery #mentalhealth #educate #youarenotyourmentalillness

A post shared by Charlie Storey (@ wakeupinwoodland) on Mar 5, 2017 at 2:04 pm PST

A few weeks ago I quietly started a travel of genuine person credence. I haven’t opened up to anyone about it until now. I was tired of being haunted with a weight loss aim, telling food pass my life, and always having what I’m ingesting or when I will reach my occult weight loss point digit on my sentiment. It was becoming an preoccupation, and it had to stop. I went into it with my whole centre. Done weighing myself, but still snacking as health as I can, working out on a regular basis, and not beating myself up over every cookie that I have. It’s is an element of “the worlds largest” humbling events of my life and I’ve never appeared more confident and beautiful. As a nutrition student the most valuable lesson that I’ve learned is that we are more than exactly a number. As long as you live a health life overall, that’s all that matters. Being scrawny does not mean being healthy. Health comes in all shapes and sizes! So on the working day, you will never interpret another before and after visualize or weight loss post from me. My before is just as remarkable as my after. Too I will never facilitate anyone “lose weight” again. However if you are truly interested in improving your Health and getting HEALTHY, I’ve got your back! Contact me. Weight loss will probably be a bonus from that, but I will no longer spur contacting one count, that number does not define who you are. Stay healthy. Stay beautiful. Stay what you are. #boycottthebefore @boycottthebefore #loveyourself #loveyourbody #bodypositive

A post shared by Aisha-Z (@ aishazrva) on Mar 4, 2017 at 2:47 pm PST

An reckoned 30 million peoplehave an anorexia nervosa in the U.S. Devouring ailments have thehighest mortality rate of any mental illness radical, in agreement with the National Association of Anorexia nervosa and Associated Disorders.

This careening happening is farther proof that they need to be taken seriously. One way to do that is to increase public awareness, which can send the meaning that the condition is manageable with care. Thats why social media crusades like #BoycottTheBefore are so vital: They highlight recovery over everything else.

I am in retrieval. I am living again. I am thriving, Lousie wrote on Instagram. And I dont have to prove that I was sick by showing you my body.

Head over to Instagram to browse more #BoycottTheBefore photos and storeys.

H/ T Mashable

If youre struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years

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This Eating Disorder Awareness Campaign Boycotts The ‘Before’ Photo

This is how you make a statement.

A post shared by Lexie (@ soworthsaving) on Feb 16, 2017 at 6:05 pm PST

A post shared by i s k r a (@ iskra) on Feb 25, 2017 at 1:28 pm PST

A post shared by Charlie Storey (@ wakeupinwoodland) on Mar 5, 2017 at 2:04 pm PST

A post shared by Aisha-Z (@ aishazrva) on Mar 4, 2017 at 2:47 pm PST

I am in retrieval. I am living again. I am thriving, Lousie wrote on Instagram. And I dont have to prove that I was sick by showing you my body.

Head over to Instagram to browse more #BoycottTheBefore photos and storeys.

H/ T Mashable

If youre struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.

The post This Eating Disorder Awareness Campaign Boycotts The ‘Before’ Photo appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

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apsbicepstraining · 7 years

Text

This Eating Disorder Awareness Campaign Boycotts The ‘Before’ Photo

This is how you make a statement.

A post shared by Lexie (@ soworthsaving) on Feb 16, 2017 at 6:05 pm PST

A post shared by i s k r a (@ iskra) on Feb 25, 2017 at 1:28 pm PST

A post shared by Charlie Storey (@ wakeupinwoodland) on Mar 5, 2017 at 2:04 pm PST

A post shared by Aisha-Z (@ aishazrva) on Mar 4, 2017 at 2:47 pm PST

I am in retrieval. I am living again. I am thriving, Lousie wrote on Instagram. And I dont have to prove that I was sick by showing you my body.

Head over to Instagram to browse more #BoycottTheBefore photos and storeys.

H/ T Mashable

If youre struggling with an eating disorder, call the National Eating Disorder Association hotline at 1-800-931-2237.

The post This Eating Disorder Awareness Campaign Boycotts The ‘Before’ Photo appeared first on apsbicepstraining.com.

from WordPress http://ift.tt/2sK3lcN via IFTTT

#IFTTT #WordPress

0 notes