#we stayed for 1 night for their first concert and i still cant believe we did that

[tmpttion]

i feel like a truck ran over me

[clumsyclifford]

just finished writing this and realized how long it got oh jeez i am so sorry. i promise it is just me rambling about nothing and does not require a lot of thought.

i made a playlist of r5's entire discography and am listening to it (in order) because there is something wrong with me. if only it had their very first ever ep on it (ready set rock ep you may have been slight garbage but i don't love you any less for it). oh god i realized i fucked up and didn't add the songs by "ross lynch and r5" from the austin & ally soundtrack. i'm already three songs into louder and they would have been between louder and say you'll stay. what do i have to do is actually one of r5's best songs and i'm pretty sure i remember ross calling it one of his favs fairly recently?? which was so valid of him. anyways. this is now an r5 song ranking. i'm bored and avoiding doing assignments. i'm going to name my top 10 r5 songs off the top of my head. source: me trying to remember every song they've ever released.

no. 1: easy love. nothing comes close. my fav song they ever made. they haven't made anything that even compares since (this is /hj. tde has some valid songs).

no. 2: wishing i was 23. what do you mean i only love this song because of my nostalgia bias no i don't.

no. 3: what do i have to do? i will not elaborate i do not know why i adore this song as much as i do it's just a cute song.

no. 4: repeating days. THE END. THE FUCKING END AFTER THE SONG ENDS THE "all i've got is cheap wine" PART ross sounds so vulnerable and him with just the guitar makes me so :(((((( it's so gorgeous that part makes the whole song and that makes it top 3 for me.

no. 5: i want u bad. THAT SONG FUCKS LIVE. I DO NOT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THE FACT THAT I WILL PROBABLY NEVER SEE IT LIVE AGAIN. (speaking of concerts i can't believe you bought concert tix and fucking forgot??? that is actually so fucking funny bella it made me laugh i will not lie)

no. 6: dark side. so so valid of them. it just fucks. it's so good. it makes u want to dance. u named a fic after a lyric from it which was so valid.

no. 7: did you have your fun? i love this song. no i will not elaborate. it is a sexy song. what's that one lyric from it that's hot. "love me, leave me, left me numb" some lyrics you love for no particular reason and for me that's one of those lyrics.

no. 8: f.e.e.l.g.o.o.d. this has alwayysss been one of my favs by them. since it dropped. some lore about it: the like crowd yelling that's in it they recorded live at a festival they played and i remember there being hype about this being an unreleased song when they had the crowd chanting "f-e-e-l-g-o-o-d" with no explanation. also another fun fact is that the final version of this is just a demo?? source: my slightly faulty memory remembering ross saying something about some demos being so good that you keep them as they are and it later being revealed this was the song he was talking about.

no. 9: i know you got away. sexy song. they released a vocals only version of it (that has apparently since been deleted?? i went to look for it on youtube and couldn't find it?? wtf r5) that has stuck with me ever since.

no. 10: loud. but more specifically the acoustic or live version. this was their encore song that they played to end every show. i MISS IT. it holds a special place in my heart.

honorable mentions: hurts good (a good song and THEIR LAST THEY EVER RELEASED VV SAD), wild hearts (fun fact almost picked a lyric from this song as my senior quote till i found out they didn't write this song), fallin' for you (YOU LIKE MISMATCHED SOCKS WITH POLKA DOTS YOU LIKE YOUR PIZZA COLD I THINK THATS HOT i never saw this song live and i'm still fucking pissed about it ok), do it again (it's such a sweet song :(((( "listen to the airplanes as we count the stars" gives me the same vibes as six feet under the stars), things are looking up (generally just a cute song!! this whole ep is just very good and very cute!! when i saw it live one time during the bridge ross was like "everyone shut up this is my favorite part >:(" and that was so valid of him) i can't say i'm in love (it's just a fun song!! it was a bonus track on sln from another country), trading time (this is the only song from the new addictions ep that i listed and u know what i'm Not sorry)

ok. i will spare you and stop rambling. other honorable mentions: if you have never listened to cool girl (feat. the driver era) by new beat fund i highly recommend. it's an okay song but it was one of the first songs released after they rebranded as tde and includes ross saying motherfucker with his whole chest. i will never again feel what i felt the first time i heard that song having listened exclusively to them as r5 whose songs they couldn't curse in because they were on a disney label.

in conclusion. i miss r5. ross saying fuck is kinda hot. i listened to the entirety of louder while writing this. i am sorry to dump this in your askbox. i still have multiple assignments to do and should probably go to sleep at a decent time. it feels fitting to finally stop writing while easy love is on. when i was 12 and this ep came out i thought "dirtbags" was a curse word and was scared to sing it. they changed it to "douchebags" live.

that's all. goodbye. have a lovely night. listen to r5's discography for clear skin thriving crops etc etc. sorry to lovepost about them in your askbox i only have (1) former r5 mutual that i still talk to (a very interesting but long story. she's the gemini bestie) and she will only lovepost about r5 once in a while. feel free to ignore my ask calling cody bellinger hot i was a different person when i wrote it i am now a changed woman. LOVE YOU MWAH - bella but she misses r5

hi hi im going to answer this with minimal thought because im tired but i dont wanna leave this sitting in my inbox forever but for the record all your r5 opinions are valid. ok lets go

1. easy love slaps ive heard it a couple times over the last few days (it played in the car today while i was driving sam n meghna to the airport) and it does fuck i can see why it's your fave

2. i do not know this song

3. A BOP A WHOLE FUCKIN BOP

4. oh i do love repeating days great choice i would have to hear it a few more times to get it in my head but i remember really liking it when i listened to the album it's on

5. also a banger and i'm glad my concert tickets situation made you laugh it made me laugh too imagine being this useless gldskfjgs

6. DARK SIDE FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKS GIVE IN TO YOUR DARK SIDE YOUR DARK SIDE IIIIIIIII SEE THE WAY YOU LOOK AT MEEEEE

7. ANOTHER FUCKING BANGER this one is probably among my favorite r5 songs maybe top 5 LOVE ME LEAVE ME LEFT ME NUMB (guitar moment) DID YOU HAVE YOUR FUUUuuuuUUUUUNNNNN i feel the same way about this lyric as you

8. oh shit thats pretty cool i dont know this song tbh i cant remember how it goes i know ive heard it once or twice but. id have to listen to it again so i will keep you posted on that

9. i do not know this one either

10. interesting choice for top ten but i support you, this song fucks and ever since you mentioned it it's been in my subconscious and randomly getting stuck in my head i think i need to listen to it to get it out. it does hit ur right

11. i don't know hurts good or wild hearts or things are looking up or i can't say i'm in love or trading time well enough to say anything about them. but i really like fallin for you it's one of those cheap fun songs but emphasis on fun, and also really like do it again one day ill write a fic based on that song

i have not listened to cool girl i put it on my to listen playlist so hopefully i remember to listen to it soon ill be honest though i dont think im prepared for ross lynch saying motherfucker w his whole chest like i think itll take me out. so. anyway. i hope you got your assignments done. thank you for the r5 lovedump feel free to drop in anytime with more

[bowlegsandgrace]

rant

I am much more aware (although still pretty dense at times) when it comes to knowing what people think of me. Made amends with m cousin a little mover a month ago. We had a falling out 2 yrs ago and havent spoken since (although she tried to reach out about a year ago but I wasnt having it). And in her eagerness to make amends she’s been inviting me over a lot. Like a LOT. To the point she gave me her spare key (without me asking or in any way implying that I wanted a key). And I know how over zealous I get in friendships. Thinking its deeper than the other person thinks. 

Told a friend Id known all through out highschool I wanted to come visit her one weekend (a classmate/quasi friend in college was going up that way and knew I had friends in the area and offered me a ride) and she was fine with it until a day before when she realized I expected to sleep in her dorm room. She snapped at me and said I couldnt just invite myself over to stay in her dorm room which...fair point. I shouldnt have ASSumed. Even though we seemed to have a fun time the last time she invited me to her school to hang out and spend the night. I just misunderstood our friendship which dies out pretty soon after. 

Even though Ive gotten better (I think) at this I still mess up. At this point I dont even have any friends. No meaningful relationships outside of family and those just feel like theyre being nice to me out of obligation. The only people who REALLY like me are a bunch of toddlers. But its alright. Most of the time it doesnt bother me. I just have to keep reminding myself that just bc people are nice to me doesnt mean they want to be friends. And I usually work enough so i dont have time to hang out or do anything anyways so its whatever. 

What gets me are people who push the relationship. And I think we could actually be friends. But then they get tired of it and realize they dont actually like spending time with me but instead of being honest with me theyll just make up lies. And I wish I could go back tot he days where I was oblivious to their intentions and just believed the lies. Now I can tell and it kills me everytime it happens. 

Back to my cousin. I think she’s reached that point where she’s grown tired of me. Even though i had a key I made sure never to go over unannounced. And I thought I was doing ok and we were having fun. But something just seemed off when we were hanging with her friends yesterday. She invited me but i dont think I was really wanted there. Today I managed to snag a freezer for her for a really good price and deiced to gift it to her for her bday which was a couple of days ago. I know she’s been wanting one bc Ive been helping her look for one. I called her after i picked it up to check of she was home and she seemed really annoyed i wouldnt tell her what it was bc I wanted it to be a surprise. She said she was about to head out to get something to eat so i decided to run some errands and kill some times. About 1.5 hrs later I asked her if she was back yet and she wasnt. So I went home to wait. Its been about 4 hrs now and I know she’s just forgotten about me or is ignoring me. I know she’ll text me in a few hours saying she fell asleep or something bc at that point she knows itll be late enough I wont come over. 

And I hate myself so falling for it all over again. I hate that Im just trying to be a good friend and she doesnt like it. Just tell me. Please. People ask why i always do things by myself and this is why. Its less painful. I go to the movies, concerts, dinners, etc by myself bc I can to what I want when I want without anyone criticizing my choices and making fun of me for what I like. I do thing by myself bc I dont expect anything of anyone so they cant disappoint me. My cousin keeps saying she’s going to come over and help me unpack but everytime she claims she’s sick. I had to take a day off of work tomorrow bc she insisted the only way she was going to come over was if it was first thing in the morning after she dropped her kid off at school. Even though Im home by 1:30 most days and her kid doesnt have to be picked up until 6pm the latest. And now she’s ignoring me so she’ll probably make up some excuse not to come over tomorrow meaning Ive taken a day off of work for nothing. 

[akechicrimes]

Hey crimes, feel free to disregard this tangent but, do u ever feel like P5 inadvertently or otherwise implied Goro was right with his fake “vigilante justice operates outside and the law and thus must be brought to heel” opinion? What with the fact that the Yaldabaoth confrontation implies the thieves work perpetuated humanity’s sloth AND THEN after an entire game showing us the hundreds of people who were at the v least COMPLICIT in shido’s machinations, a system which is (1)

ohhhhh this one is fun!! this is a super neat question, ty for asking!!!

hmmmmmmmmm

im going to try and break this down into parts, partly because persona 5 is such a convoluted mess with its own lines of thinking, so tell me if i dont do it right. the issues are: (1) goro definitely did say that operating outside the law was bad just on principle that you shouldn’t operate outside the law, and (2) persona 5 did definitely go on to say that all of the phantom thieves’ operations outside the law didn’t come to anything in the first place anyway, because they were only targeting individuals instead of mass systemic corruption/their presence was enabling people to become more apathetic.

i think what persona 5 is trying to get at is that it’s not necessarily that acting outside the law is bad, but that, like you said, targeting only individuals doesn’t work as a tactic. so vigilante justice (e.g. batman style of taking down supervillains) cannot compare to societal reform through collective action.

when i say collective action, i mean that i think persona 5 is trying to point out that “systematic” corruption is really just a corruption of many, many, many individuals working in concert--and that “reform” could just be said to be the opposite, which is activism from many, many, many individuals working in concert.

obviously the ending cutscene where akira;s social link network gets together to protest his arrest is the best example of collective reform, but i think one of the things that i rly like about shido’s wide-spread conspiracy is that it does a rly good job of paralleling akira’s social link network, and pointing out that in the same way that shido’s conspiracy is a collective effort of many many many people that make up a “system,” akira’s widespread social link network creates the opposite effect of a collective effort of many many people that make up a force for change. 

which is why having the phantom thieves as a group itself just promotes more apathy--you get one group of people doing all the work for the rest of society, when if anything’s going to change, we need everyone on their feet.

which surprisingly correct, insofar as i’m aware. if society’s going to change in a substantial way, beyond just changing the hearts of a handful of abusers and letting the rest of the system remain untouched, everyone’s got to be involved. collective effort. do your part. wash your hands. stay indoors. don’t forget to vote. seriously, wash your fucking hands.

but when it comes to whether or not persona 5 says that you shouldn’t be acting outside the law... 

i think persona 5 really really really really really doesnt want to be caught promoting lawbreaking while also being You Should Break The Law: The JRPG.

part of this trouble, i think, is just because they need players to actually like the characters in the game, and therefore all the character have sympathetic reasons for breaking the law. because persona 5 has to sell marketable characters, too, persona 5 itself makes it pretty clear that people who operate “outside the law” are usually not evil dipshit criminals who love sin. the people in persona 5 who act outside the law are usually people who dont have enough power to operate inside the law in the first place. akira, the pt, and goro all seem to have resorted to what they did because they had no societal power at the start, wound up with a persona (aka fast and easy power source), and wouldnt have been able to do anything about their situation otherwise. characters who operate outside the law (like takemi with her vaguely illegal practice, or kawakami and her also vaguely illegal sex work, or iwai and his vaguely illegal gun business) are still supposed to be waifus you are sympathetic towards. 

(...i think i accidentally called iwai a waifu? hmm. on second thought, i’ll just leave that sentence as it is.)

and i really do have to point out that persona 5′s attitude of FUCK COPS is insanely strong. like. persona 5 HATES cops. and that doesn’t let up basically ever, at all, at any moment. for anything. persona 5 wants me to believe that makoto will become a good cop in the future, but if i wanted to find an existing good cop, i’d have to go all the way back to persona 4. like!! shit!! goro akechi is the closest thing we have to a good cop, and he has a pet guillotine for CEOs and his middle name is komaeda.

and that part of the big attitude with FUCK COPS is that it’s another way of morally exonerating the phantom thieves. i think... although the game ultimately concludes with “you should probably not break the law any more because the metaverse is gone,” it’s difficult to argue with the fact that persona 5 is a game in which it presents you with 10000000000000 reasons to break the law and feel Great about it.

(another tangent: i feel like one of the big undercurrents of persona 5, and especially the TV station, is that the phantom thieves are justified in their lawbreaking because the police aren’t doing their fucking job. like, someone’s got to keep people safe, and if the cops don’t like the phantom thieves, maybe they should get off their asses and actually get the criminals before the thieves do. akira literally was on live television and he was like ALL COPS ARE BAD and goro was like wow. anyone else think that was really sexy? @ the guy in the glasses in the back, call me later when you’ve leveled up your charm and knowledge.)

so atlus is in this place where they’ve pointed out that people break the law because they dont really have any other choice, and also persona 5 the game HATES cops, and also persona 5 the game cannot tell you that breaking the law is bad because it is literally A Game About Breaking The Law, but at the same time, they cant really go around promoting crime. from a doylist perspective i was 100% unsurprised that they came up with a fancy narrative reason to get rid of the metaverse and their change-of-heart abilities and just the phantom thieves in general, because all of those are a threat to the status quo. although the game might be right that relying on the phantom thieves to change society for the rest of the population makes the rest of the population lazy and apathetic, it’s pretty convenient that this means that the kids are now no longer able to break the law. so persona 5 really wants people to do things the kosher way, e.g. protesting and such. 

hhfmgmhfmghfmgfmghmfhgg. taking this all with a grain of salt, because again, i do think atlus is trying very hard to avoid saying that people should break the law:

i think atlus wants to say that it’s not necessarily acting outside the law that’s not right, but the fact that just loading the phantom thieves with a ton of power makes people apathetic, and changing the hearts of a few individuals is Not enough to get rid of something like shido’s conspiracy. so instead they say, you shouldn’t break the law because it’s not effective without collective reform. 

i think another thing that persona 5 wants us to believe is that for the most effective reform to be achieved, people both inside and outside the law/system have to be involved in the collective effort to improve society. 

e.g., toranosuke wants to be a man of the people--someone who speaks for the people who are outside of the diet, but toranosuke himself is someone inside the diet. sae’s the other good example; the phantom thieves protest akira’s arrest at the end of the game, but sae, as the insider in the justice system, has to be there to hear and work with them. and this might just be because i watched haru’s s link last night, but i feel like takakura is a really good example: haru pushes back against the company’s shitty policies with her “outsider’s” perspective (quoted because she’s technically the largest shareholder, she just hasnt ever been really involved in how the company is run), but takakura, as the company president and most powerful person at okumura foods, has to be there to hear her request and agree with her, and make company changes based on her requests. 

and it’s for this reason that persona 5 wants us to consider maybe lawbreaking isnt morally bad, just not effective.

i wish i could say that that’s more bad atlus writing, but it’s not. i’ve only really examined changing schools on an institutional level, but the best examples of institutional change in school administration have always been cases where the administration, parents, and community members all work together. in some cases, parents bring up requests for the school to accommodate their needs, and the administration listens and works with them. something something--everyone needs an advocate. the point of a lawyer is to advocate for you. the point of a politician/representative is to represent you and your interests. so on and so forth.

(and i also wish that it could be as simple as saying, “wow atlus said something right for once!” because that’s not true, either--acting outside the law can be outrageously effective. persona 5 trying to tell us that acting outside the law to get shit done isn’t effect smells like corporate trying to tell its workers that unionizing doesnt actually do anything.)

(and i also wish that persona 5 would have acknowledged that sometimes, it takes more than just an extremely moral person to change the world. take toranosuke, for example--i’m sure that if he gets elected, he’ll go out there and be a wonderful representative of the people, but at the same time, can’t we also simultaneously acknowledge that any politician who can make “politics” a career for profit will always be incentivized towards self-interest? in the same way that a military for profit will always be incentivized towards war?)

but insofar as whether or not persona 5 thinks that vigilante justice/acting outside the law is in and of itself morally bad--i’d say probably not. i think they want us to think that it’s not effective.

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this is a slight tangent that kind of goes off the issue of whether or not persona 5 is concerned with whether or not breaking the law is moral or effective. i was going back through goro’s dialogue in the engine room--who knows if that’s going to be changed in royal--but i was trying to figure out exactly what the phantom thieves condemn him for. (fucking difficult as fuck considering how bizarre that dialogue was at places.) 

the first one is murder, which goro is unimpressed with (LMAO. KING). the second is that he operated outside the law, to which he replies that they did the same thing (valid). the third is that his form of justice was “selfish,” in that it only served his personal need for revenge. at that point, goro changes the subject--which is not really surprising, since goro admitted long before the engine room that his quest against shido was for his own personal satisfaction. 

that is to say, the phantom thieves can’t say that they don’t operate outside the law, because they do--however, if the phantom thieves can’t be legally exonerated, the phantom thieves are morally exonerated despite operating outside the law because they do it for the benefit of others. that’s actually not an incorrect statement from the phantom thieves, although i dont think they’re doing it for Society Writ Large. the phantom thieves in every single palace have taken on targets to help someone else: firstly ann and ryuji and shiho, then yusuke, then various shujin students being blackmailed by kaneshiro, etc, etc. i remember pretty distinctly that ann insists that she doesnt want to get involved with madarame just for drama or fame (whereas ryuji wants to pick a big target just for the sake of getting famous), but she agrees to get involved with madarame’s palace because she doesn’t want to leave yusuke to possibly kill himself like a previous student.

because the phantom thieves are not able to say that they haven’t operated outside the law in the same way that goro has, the dividing line between them is instead that the phantom thieves are doing so selflessly. but this is just an elaboration on the question of whether or not “is lawbreaking moral?” rather than necessarily “is lawbreaking effective?”

there’s an argument that nothing goro or the phantom thieves did was effective in the long run, and there’s an argument that sae is proof positive that working inside the system won’t be effective, either. 

anyway, unions are effective. so maybe we should agree to wash our hands and join a union.

[enthusiasticsobrietyabuse]

“Enthusiastic Sobriety programs tearing families apart and convincing parents to kick their kids out onto the streets.” Originally posted on OnTheEmmis.com in 2004. ICECAP is the former incorporation and has since dissolved due to the efforts of OnTheEmmis.com

There is a thread on the other message board that I think the parents need to be informed about. This is about the harm that is caused to the children from parents that are still in an ICECAP program. These are true stories (not edited) just copied and pasted for you to read.

What Bob AND Joy teach parents about "tough" love and their version of "unconditional" love are just that "their version".

Does this seem as though families are being brought together and healing to you?

This is a great example of the pain that is caused when one person in the family (the child) wants to leave ICECAP and another person (the parent) believes the lies that they have been taught (that they are or will get high, can't live without being in the program, etc.) They, ICECAP, breed the fear that you as a parent have when you see them making choices that YOU don't like. What is the true meaning of letting go? Or the true meaning of unconditional love?

This is not to make any parent feel guilty for their time in an ICECAP program. I truly believe you thought you were doing the best thing. You were also a victim of the cult and it's way of thinking. That is the very reason I am posting this thread. To show the harm and hopefully save some pain for others.

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Author:

Bailey [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

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Date Posted: 13:27:44 12/22/04 Wed

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Getting kicked out of your house by your once all loving supporting do anything for you family

As most of you know my family is ALL involved in Crossroads and sense I've left its been hell, Thursday night my dad and step mom freaked out on me and my dad started pushing me and threatening to "lay me the fuck out" My dad has never so much as spanked me before we used to get along great until x-roads we got high together went to concerts movies dinner and what not, But now its as tho i don’t exist to them they call me ungrateful bitch and many other names after all that happened he told me to pack a bag and he didn't want to see me anymore, Luckily i see a therapist and he talked to my dad and calmed them down they still want me out of the house tho. I cant leave now because i belong to the state until me 18th birthday which thank god isn't far off but if they kick me out or i move out i have to spend the next month and half in juvenile again, this has happened to many of my friends who have left too they end up homeless because if there not in the group they cant be at there house, i was just wondering if anyone else's parents went crazy after they left and if it does get better?

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[> Subject: It happened to me Part 1

Author:

Hollywood

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Date Posted: 17:59:18 12/22/04 Wed

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I lived threw this every time I left the group, but especially the last time.

The last time I left I bailed the group with a guy, I knew from prior experiences that my parents would not tolerate me living in their house and not be in Pathway. So I did what I knew how to do, and hopped on a bus to California. When we got there we had no money or anything. At that point and many points throughout my time in Pathway I was willing to be a street person rather than be involved in the group. To say it didn't last long was an understatement; he was scared and refused to talk to anyone. His parents agreed to fly us back to AZ. I almost did not go because I knew that upon arriving I would have no place to go. Mind you at this point I had over a year sober. I did not bail because I wanted to get high.

When the plane touched down in PHX he had people from the group waiting to take him back. They shunned me. I had been in the group for about 5 years at that point and they could care less if I had a place to go. I now know it was because my parents would not shell out even more money for me to go into IOP (that would have been the third time).

I truly did not know who to call; I had been in the group since I was 14 years old. Not many people I knew had left and were around or willing to talk to a program drop out.

I finally gathered enough courage to call a friend of mine that had left the group, I knew she was getting high but at that point I didn't care. The streets of Phoenix were a lot more cruel than the streets of Hollywood. Her mother answered the phone, she did not sound very happy to hear my voice, on a previous runaway trip I bailed the group with her daughter and a few other people and we stole her credit cards and over $1000 dollars cash if my memory serves correctly. So this was a lady that I had fucked over to say the least. This kind woman opened her home to me. More than what my own family was capable of at that point. She allowed me to stay at their house and helped me try and find a job. At the same time unknown to me she was in contact with my parents trying to convince them to take me home, that I was actually doing fine and wasn't what the group was telling them about me.

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[> [> Subject: Re: It happened to me Part 2

Author:

Hollywood

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Date Posted: 18:00:08 12/22/04 Wed

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For some reason on Christmas Eve my parents called and told me I could move back in, but I had to live in the garage. They would set up a cot in there. I would not be allowed to use anything in the house, except the bathroom but my parents had to escort me to and from it. I agreed I didn't care; I just wanted to see my father.

When we were driving to my parents house the kind mom who allowed me to stay at her house explained to me that this was all my mothers doing, my father wanted nothing to do with my and had informed her that I was dead to him. It was because of him I would be sleeping in the garage until I could find my own home (mind you I was 18 and had never held down a job, paid bills, etc.) I lost it, this man, my father, my hero wanted nothing to do with me. This was a turning point for me. This is when I decided in my crazy still experiencing the effects of Kool-Aid that I needed to get high in order to get in the house. Because, try and follow this it is way crazy thinking looking back, if I just got high I would have something to cop to, the group would take me back, I could make amends and therefore my father would allow me in his life again. Crazy I know.

Well living in the garage lasted about 2 hours before my parents (read mother) got sick of it. My father sulked in his room and wanted nothing to do with me. Christmas Eve with all the family and Christmas day were rather awkward, to say the least. My father still did not speak to me. I believe that year they even attended the round robin. I sat at home. I soon got a job and almost immediately began getting high, smoking speed, snorting coke, and shooting heroin. This went on for about 2 years. I worked therefore my parents didn't care. They had both left the program (details of that have never been disclosed to me, I do not know why or how). And my father and my relationship finally started to re solidify.

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[> [> [> Subject: Re: It happened to me Part 2

Author:

Hollywood

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Date Posted: 18:01:09 12/22/04 Wed

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Except by this time I was strung out on heroin. Believe it or not I did go back to the group. After my parents discovered my horrible habit and asked me to check myself in to a detox center, I made an appointment with the then OG counselor. He told me to that I was going to die, that I needed to go into some Step something or other. I told him I had no money. He told me to sell my cars, I told him he was on crack my parents would never let me do that. At the same moment I was absolutely terrified they would. I told him to call them and if he could convince them I was willing. From what I understand that counselor did call my father and my father told him he was full of shit. That was the day my father became my hero again and not some brain washed ego maniac. I wound up getting off heroin a few months later. My father and my relationship has been wonderful ever since, for Christ sake we even work together. My mother is still struggling with the fact that I drink . But her and my relationship is better than it ever has been my entire life.

Sorry this was so long and detailed I never knew I would share all of this. I hope this helps you to realize to hear that some else has been threw a similar nightmare.

Good luck and if you ever need anything or need to talk about the ‘rents and the evil things they can do when they are still slugging down the Kool-Aid but you are not, email me. I am more then willing to listen.

Also if a parent reads this who is considering throwing their child out on to the streets because they are no longer in the group, let me tell them from being that child: They have no place to go! The situation that they are in worsens, they feel abandoned, and the people that they turn to are usually using drugs much heavier than they are or ever have!

PLEASE DO NOT BUY INTO ICECAPS TOUGH LOVE- this is what killed Bob’s son, this is what almost killed me, and what almost killed or even did kill many people I knew.

Hollywood

[ Post a Reply to This Message ]

[> Subject: Re: Did this happen to anyone else

Author:

michele

[Edit]

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Date Posted: 22:27:49 12/22/04 Wed

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ok bailey, i know you've already heard this but there are some who haven't... the first time i left stl i was 16. i lived on the streets and 20 dollar hotels and at my old sponsee's house. it was bad but didn't compare to when i left atl. that time i was 18. my dad had driven a car down for me. i eventually got myself kicked out. i knew it was coming. i packed up my car with at much crap as i could and then i left. i went to stl then kc. stealing gas the entire way, oh yeah and wrote a bunch of bad checks. i had to go back down to atl to pick up more of my stuff. so i took a friend with me. i got there and packed up more crap. i made it all the way back up to nashville, then my car broke down. to anyone who lives in there car it's the most important thing to you. it's your bed, your transportation, your only way to and from work. it makes your whole life work. my friend's parents wired her money and left me 60 miles south of nashville, in manchester. i took what i could from my car and started walking. i hitch hiked from there to kc. it took me 3 days almost. i looked like complete shit when i got home. think the garage is bad? my mom made me sleep on the back deck for 3 weeks. like a dog. i woke up went to work (walked my happy ass) came home and then when my mom got home from work she would let me in to go to the bathroom and shower, then i got kicked back out. when i finally proved my self she let me in the house. well that's the most important parts i guess. there's more but i wanna go to sleep. point is that things did get better. i just had to fight so hard for it. i've never had to fight for anything harder then to survive. but i'm still here. and to everyone who will ask, i never touched a truck driver, and they never asked. actually the fed me and let me sleep.

[> Subject: Re: Did this happen to anyone else

Author:

Jen from AZ

[Edit]

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Date Posted: 02:27:25 12/23/04 Thu

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It's stuff like this that really gets me riled! It bothers me that the "Family" (talk about dysfunctional families!) pushes parents to treat their own flesh and blood like animals! I'm sorry - but tough love is bullshit! As parents, we are to care for our kids - whether we love them or not - they are a gift from God and these parents ought to be damn grateful that they have children! Do these parents not realize that there are LAWS about this?! As long as their kid is under 18 they are required BY LAW to give their kids food, clothing and shelter. Parents, if you are kicking your kids out of your house - YOU DON'T DESERVE TO HAVE THEM!

I will NEVER turn my back on my child! I don't understand how any parent can do that! How can a parent look Their child in the eye - no matter how old they are - and turn their back on them? How can they sleep at night not knowing if their child is dead or alive? How can Bob and "friends" push this kind of treatment?! This is just totally beyond my comprehension! My blood is boiling right now!

I would give ANYTHING to have more kids at home! I cry almost every night because I want a houseful of children! Yes, I love my son with all my heart - but yes! I also want a houseful of laughing - hell, even screaming - children running around! And quite frankly it fucking pisses me off that parents treat their children like this! Sleeping in the fucking garage? On the damn patio!? Wake up you parents who are in ICECAP! I don't care if you believe the Bible or not - I do and I believe it with all my heart and it says in there that "whatever you do to the least of these, you have done to me". Guess what parents! When you treat your kids like this, you are treating God like that! I pity you! I pity the fact that one day you will have to answer for the way you have treated your kids! And I pray that you get the justice you deserve!

Sorry webmasters for going off and for using the language I used. I haven't talked like this in years, but this is a hot button for me. I get into a lot of trouble when I'm out and about in stores and see a parent yelling and/or cursing at their child. One of these days I'm probably going to get punched - but I will not keep silent! The treatment that ICECrAP pushes parents to do to their kids is abuse - pure and simple! And I refuse to hold my tongue when I see it going on!

To those of you who are experiencing this treatment or have in the past - please know that I am thinking of you and praying for things to change. Especially that your parents wake up and seek your forgiveness for the treatment they have given you! NOTHING a child does - NOTHING - warrants throwing your kids out on the streets! The atrocities that are out there... it just makes me shudder! And want to scream and rip out Bob's eyes with my bare hands. Not much gets me this worked up.

[estellestarlightevergarden]

Luka Couffaine 1

Title: Marinette's Investigation

Pairing: Luka x Fem!Singer!Reader

Fandom: Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Chat Noir

Warnings: Angst (like my soul) , Fluff

Summary: Marinette is convinced that Y/n is intrested in Adrien. She comes up with a plan to expose Y/n for her true intentions but messes up.

A/n: Wrote this little drabble at 2:44 AM So my braincells will die. Or are dying Also will not have any Akumatizations here.

----

I walked towards the enterance of the school and heard people whispering. I blinked in confusion. What is going on?

I turned to Alya my best friend and tapped her on the shoulder. She jumped insuprise but, calmed herself after seiing myself.

"Hey Alya? Whats going on? Why is everyone so excited?" I asked her confused at the excited students buzzing through the halls. "Oh! You havent heard?!" She Gasped dramatically. I shook my head no as a reply. "Nope! But Can you tell me what's going on? Please?" I groaned already wanting an answer. I crossed my arms and tapped my foot impatiently. She sighed and put her phone away. She withdrew her hands and smiled at me. I mtioned for her to go on. "Well So Mari you know Y/n the singer right?" She asked her eyes filled with hope. I smiled and nodded. I hummed while nodding giving her a short response.

"Yeah? What about her?" I stated nonchalantly. Alya's smile stayed on her face.

"Well your not going to believe this but! Shes coming here! Because she wants to meet Kitty Section and study here!!" She belted out practically bouncing off the walls. I blinked in suprise at her statement. "R-Really! Thats amazing! Wait how did you know this?" I chirped but then had a teasing grin. Alya smiled and pulled out her phone. "She Just tweeted this a few months ago and has been keeping everyone up! And today she's coming here!!" She gushed. I smiled.

"Oh Alya I cant wait then!" I chirped suddenly the students inside flocked towards the entrance of the school. I had lost Alya and Was left alone. I sighed and went towards the stairs to get a better view.

I sighed in relief and looked from above. "Phew! Thats much BETTER?!" I almost screamed. There she really was but she is way too close to Adrien!

----

I nervously shifted in the car. I hope I can find Luka here to play with his band Kitty Section for my Concert that ends here in Paris. I took a few deep breaths before being snapped out of my own thoughts.

"Hey Earth to Y/n? Are you okay?" A voice spoke. I looked to the voice and it was Adrien. He is a member of Kitty Section and so is my boyfriend Luka. I jumped and looked at him nervously. I sighed and shook my head. "Hey its gonna be okay! I promise I'll be with you throughout the entire day!" He said reassuring me about today. I took a deep breath and smiled.

"Yeah.. Sorry about freaking out.. its just I haven't been to a real school in a very long time.." I mumbled looking at my hands again. "Hey its gonna be okay! I havent been here awhile either but your gonna love it here! I promise!" He declared. I burst out laughing and smiled at him.

"O-okay! P-promise?" I stuttered holing my hand out my pinky finger sticking out. "Hahaha.. Don't worry! I Promise!" He laughed at my silly action and intertwined our pinkies. I smiled at him returning my suggested gesture. The car had suddenly stopped and I walked out behind him sticking as close to him as possible.

"Here take this and don't let go okay?" Adriend said Sticking his hand out and nodded. I hesitated but grabbed his hand as we got through the crowd and inside my first classroom for the day. He let go and smiled. "See? Not so bad right?" He teased playfully trying to poke my cheek. I swatted his hands away with a silly noise. He laughed and I giggled. This isnt so bad.

Well boy was I wrong!

----

It was Lunch time at my new school. I stuck close to adrien because he is my clisest friend now. Besides He's basically my best friend now. I smiled as he took my hand and we walked together towards the Lunch room. I took my Tray and walked with him to the tables keeping to ourselves now that everyone has calmed down.

Suddenly chairs were pulled out and People sat in them. The girl with Navy Blue pigtails squinted her eyes at me. I blinked in nervousness.

"O-oh! Hello? I dont think I have met you!" I smiled warmly at her. Her gaze still strong and my nervousness grew.

"Oh Y/n this is Marinette my good friend!" Adrien chimed into the akaward tension hoping to break it. I smiled at the bluenette.

"Well Its very nice to meet you Marinette!" I smiled at her her gaze softened hearing Adrien's voice but kept her hard gaze once I had opened my mouth. I stopped smiling and frowned but smiled softly.

"I think I'll go Home early.. I'll see you soon at practice" I smiled at Adrien still feeling Marinette's cold gaze on me as I get up and leave. I sigh. "She hates me and I havent done anything wrong.." I mumbled walking home but then smiled at my memories to reunite with Luka.

--------

The Model looked at Marinette with a smile. "Marinette! Isn't she amazing" Adrien smiled then hearing a cough and there was Luka. He blushed in Embarrassment.

"O-oh! Luka! Sorry Your girl is really something!" He smiled sheepishly. He smiled and nodded taking a seat next to the model.

"Y/n is Your Girl Luka?" Marinette curiously interjects. Luka simply nodded. The green eyes male nodded.

"Mhmm! She is a really good friend Luka I wish I had a relationship Like Yours!" Adrien groaned jokingly. The bluenette from across her eye twitched in annoyance hearing the mentioning of the new girl slip everytime from her crush's mouth.

"Well She is the one for me and after all I would do anything for her.." Luka Softly spoke with a small smile his mund going towards the sweet memories with his said partner.

The Bluenette had a Plan in her head to finally expose the new girl for lying about who she was and her relationship with her two friends to bring peace to her self.

Her Plans were now in Motion.

-------'

I walked towards Luka's boathouse with a smile. Finally getting to see Luka after awhile of being away is the Female's dream come true. The said female stepped onyo the boat only to be met with an angry Kitty Section Along with an Upset Luka and Shocked Adrien. The girl Blinked in confusion.

"Did I come at a bad time?" The Female Questioned and The band turned to her with anger. There was the bluenette from earlier. Y/n Shrunk and felt small compared to the people.

"How could you do that to Luka?" "Is he not good enough?!" "I thought you were cool" "Think about your actions carefully" The members of Kitty section Lectured the girl. Y/n looked over at Luka and looked at him with confused eyes.

"Luka what's going on? Why are they mad?" She squeaked in fear. Luka sighed in anger and stood up and glared at her.

"Marinette's been telling me that you have been flirting with Adrien.. I think its better for us not to be together Y/n.." He stated coldly and walked to his guitar.

The girl was left stunned and her tears fell from her eyes. "Thats not True... You can even ask Adrien.. He was the only one that had shown me around because you are always busy.. I thought we were really meant to be..I-I.. I guess this is goodbye.. Im sorry!" She cried out and ran off the Boat. The members looked at the singer that had dashed off the boathouse in a flash then turned towards the trio.

Milan now with the three girl that were present looked at eachother and grabbed Marinette dragging her downstairs while the Guys tried to calm the now growing tension between Luka and Adrien.

------

"Marinette! What did you do?" Alya Interrogated the bluenette. Marinette laughed nervously.

"I thought that would help Luka out.. Y/n was flirting with him.. I think.." She Softly spoke. The four girls Groaned. Juleka stepped forward.

"Marinette.. Luka has never been happier with her since you rejected him Why would you do that?" She crossed her arms with anger. Marinette shrank in her seat feeling the cold gazes.

"Oh shoot.n My jealousy got in the way.. I gotta fix this now.." She Sighed covering her face in embarrassment. The girls before her nodded.

Suddenly a crash was heard upstairs causing the girls to run upstairs.

"WHY THE HELL WOULD UOU FLIRT WITH HER YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE HER YOU JERK!" Luka Yelled at the keyboard player. Adrien glared at him shaking his head.

"THATS NOT WHAT HAPPENED! LUKA! MARINETTE LIED! NOW GO FIX WHAT YOU HAVE WITH HER BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!" Adrien Yelled.

Luka Finally calmed down and saw the girls and Marinette looking away in embarrassment. The male sighed and stopped his rage and ran off in search for his girl.

-----

"I-I-I thought he Loved me.." I sobbed. I hugged my knees to my chest looking at the city of Paris in the Eiffel Tower.

'Ive never felt so fucking used in my life' I thought sobbing into my arms.

"He does love you.. He just believed a girl over his own true love.." a Familiar voice spoke. I turned and saw the male himself.

I turned away from him coldy. "What are you doing here? I thought you were at practice Luka.. and that you were done with us.." I whispered looking at the night sky. His footsteps grew closer and his arms wrapped themselves around me.

"I'm an Idiot you know... I shouldn't have said that.." Luka Sighed in frustration. I listened to the male ramble on. I blinked away my tears.

"Yes and you believed her over me Luka.. Do I even Matter to you anymore?" I mumbled my tears glistening in the paris lights that showcased the Eiffel Tower.

Luka took my hands in his almost hesitating. My head now facing him as I look at him in suprise.

"Oh Y/n.. you silly girl.. Of course you do matter to me.. Your My Muse.. My Girl.. My everything Y/n.. I wouldnt know if I didn't have you with me.. I'll be a mess...What Im trying to say is Je'taime Y/n" He breathed out.

"So... Will you give me another chance?"

Sidenote: Will someone please give me a Request I'm running out of Ideas and Since I'm currently still writing Thr Ron Weasley x Reader I just got Major Writer's Block So Requests are open!!!

[guktwt]

love yourself tour experience! ♡  japan and singapore

hi! so i’ve been wanting to make a post like this for a while on twitter but i hate twitter rn so here i am. this january i was blessed with the opportunity to attend love yourself in nagoya (japan) and singapore and honestly? it’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. i wanted to share my experience because really, concerts in japan and everywhere are else are so different, right from ticketing and the show itself. i thought you guys would find it interesting? and also i need to let this out ahhh keeping to myself is not going to do me any good :( anyways, i hope you find this post somewhat entertaining 💞

under the cut because this got really long sorry 

♡ love yourself in nagoya ♡

first of all, tickets. getting concert tickets (and any ticket, really) in japan is tricky. most kpop groups in japan have a fanclub and if you’re a member, you get the benefit of applying for tickets first (like a presale!). did i say apply? yes i did. in japan, ticketing for concerts adopts a lottery system for presale and general sales usually a month later. 

for presale through fc, you’d have to apply for a lottery on a website and wait to find out if you win or not. you need a fc membership (paid), which also needs you to have a japanese phone number and address in order to apply. and you HAVE to pay your presale tickets in japan because you need to pay them in a convenient store. complicated, i know. FC presale tickets usually give the best seats. there’s no gurantee, but that’s usually the case. fortunately for me, i have a cousin residing in japan to help me with the address (you really need it, they’re going to ship you your membership card) and i found someone on twitter to help me make the payment. if you a apply for lottery, there’s no guarantee you’ll win. so you can apply as many times as you want with a maximum of 2 tickets for each shows. i think i used up all of my luck with this one [sobs]. FC presales usually have more than one round lotteries. 

general sales is much simpler. i dont have enough experience to know the details but it’s usually up on japanese ticketing websites and can use credit cards? dont know if foreign ccs are accepted though. 

oh and all tickets for all sections cost the same!!! so doesn’t matter if you get the best view or worst it’s all equal 

/if you have more questions about this don’t hesitate to send me an ask i don’t know much but i’ve read a lot about it/

you can’t know your seat until a week (or a month? idk) before the concert, when it’s time for you to print your tickets at the same convenient store (yes you have to print them and you can only do it once so don’t lose the damn thing!!). my seat was really good!!! i didn’t get floor sadly but my section was right in front of the extended stage so i got a great view. 

i arrived in nagoya a day before the concert (i spent a week in tokyo beforehand) and queued for merch!!! it was winter so it wasn’t hot at all and the japanese really know how to line up. everything is so organized like??? i was so amazed. i spent a good 4 hours queueing before getting my items and even then a lot of the things i wanted were sold out quickly :( 

and then comes the concert day!!!! basically since it was all seating tickets i didn’t have to worry about queueing for entry but i did queue for merch again,,,, from 4 am. let me tell you how devoted people are there when it comes to queueing. some actually stayed from the afternoon? and it was winter. crazy. 

i entered the dome an hour before the show started and the staff were so kind and helpful whenever i asked for help (i couldn’t find my seat). and everyone around is so kind and warm :( i didn’t really interact with a lot of people due to the language barrier but they’re so . polite. 

and moving on to the show!!!!!! japan has strict rules about recording so i couldn’t do any of that [:(] but honestly it just made me enjoy everything better. of course they were amazing on stage and their japanese were so cute :( i still can’t get over nagoya, nekkoya my pure babies!!! 

and uh . taehyung. so damn fine. can’t believe i was part of the first people to see him reveal his blue hair. and i can’t stress this enough but his gaze when he looks at the audience... i felt the love and fondness in his eyes i wanted to CRY. 

and jimin!!! was so clingy towards joon the whole night ugh we love a baby koala. and jungkook :( he introduced himself as kookoo im so fucking sad. the second he said kookoo desu i was ready to give up my firstborn for him. 

hoseok was a fucking machine. he’s so charismatic on stage i can’t handle him. and seokjin was full on crackhead mode :( we stan a whole legend i love love him so much. my mans yoongi was so?? small yet not??? i wanna put him in my pocket. my mans joon was looking like a whole snacc. all legs and dimples.  

honestly what struck me the most was how everyone gave seokjin a standing ovation and applause after epiphany???? that was my first time seeing something like that and i just started tearing up because it was so beautiful. people were so respectful they didn’t scream or shout when bangtan were doing their ending ments. the fanchants were absolutely on point!!! whenever bangtan bowed i actually spotted some people in my section bowing in return and i was !!!! oh my god 

but on another note you’d think that japanese fans are quiet during shows but theyre really not. they’re loud as hell too they just know when to shut up and listen and i think that’s beautiful. 

the whole thing passed by really quickly. i felt hollow and empty by the time it ended but i have to say that it was the most relaxing and chill concert experience i’ve ever had. it just feels so different than my previous concerts. the only downside about it is the no recording part (i could’ve been sneaky but staff was right in front of my section) i guess. but without worrying about my phone i got to watch them perform. like actually watch them. it felt euphoric. 

♡ love yourself in singapore ♡

ah. 

so for singapore, i got cat 1 purple 2 tickets at first. but because me and my friend wanted yellow initially, we managed to find someone who wanted to trade with us. 

i arrived at the venue at 6 am because i had to distribute banners and fans for my fan support. here’s a pic of them!!!! 

basically for standing ticket holders we were required to queue by 12:30 pm and fortunately my qn got the indoor holding area so i didn’t stay under the heat for long. we started moving to the venue at around 3 or 4 pm even thought they said it would be 2:30 pm. because my qn was large by the time i got inside all the good spots were already taken :( i ended up at the very back sigh and we had to wait for another 2-3 hours before the show starts. it was hot and everyone was thirsty. some people in the pit wanted to sit down but some also stood up so it was rlly cramped :/ 

everyone was hyped tho even when mvs were played. and then when the lights dimmed and the show finally started was where things got really,,, rowdy. when the first beat of idol played everyone pushed forward??? the amount of times i got squished and elbowed and pushed aside... man it was hectic. if you’re claustrophobic please do NOT go for standing in concerts. 

but that aside of course it was amazing loud and crazy. there were accidents here and there. at one point several people actually fell down but everyone helped everyone up. some people got mad and started yelling and others but that’s understandable. it was hot and cramped of course you’d get cranky. 

funny story i got my period two hours before the show and basically bled through my vagina for 3 hours as i watched 7 fine men go off on stage. 

but anyways. 

me and my friend managed to finesse our way from the back row to the third row because we’re amazing. no we did not push if you were there the pit was always moving so we just. squeezed through i guess. i was so fucking tired but when so what came on i forgot that my pants were like fucking soaked and just jammed the fuck out with everyone. they got really close to my section during this and i cant believe i got to see taejin dance together like clubbing buddies. jin is so goofy!!!!!! 

oh but fuck you guys jimin up close is ethereal. he looks so fucking unreal i couldn’t keep my eyes off of him throughout the whole thing. none of the pictures can ever do his beauty justice. he’s so fucking beautiful and i was starstruck. and he sang promise!!! i fucking couldn’t believe he did it. one word to describe him is definitely godly. 

namjoon was so hyped and loud too :( gosh he’s so adorable. hoseok looked crazy beautiful up close too. his aura.... fucking amazing. YOONGI ALSO MADE THE CUTEST EXPRESSION AFTER JIMIN SANG PROMISE I SQEUALED. gosh i was actually really close despite not getting barricade i feel like crying thinking about it now. 

jungkook went so close to my section during so what i got a good fancam of him that i can’t stop watching :( jimin slipped during dna my poor baby but he just laughed it off :(((( 

they all looked prettier irl tbh. they have such nice skin??? and all that shit about jimin being short... well guess what fuckers he’s all LEGS. man. i think i left that stadium as a jimin stan. 

taehyung’s so hot i wanna die n i want the whole of rapline to spit on me thx.

fun times aside the pit is hell. luckily the staff were responsible and gave us drinks after each set of performances. and everyone kind of just understood each other. whenever someone looked like they were about to faint people asked if they were okay. we helped each other and gave each other drinks. at one point during the show i crouched down because i was exhausted and someone asked if i was okay or if i wanted some candy. 

hellish experiences aside, there’s a mutual understanding between everyone in the pit. like, we’re in this together. i’m sweaty and thirsty and tired but i’m here for one thing and so is everyone else. it’s a good feeling. i mean, yeah, i was drenched in sweat and water but. it’s a good feeling. here are some pics!!!! (i have more videos bu t i cba to tak e screenshots ajsjs sorry)

also met some of my twitter mutuals <3 love u guys 

perhaps this is it for my experience post? yeah you can see how different nagoya and singapore were. it was exciting to be able to experience them both. now back to my post concert depression and withdrawal :(

[redvelvetcult]

ELLEEEE ARE YOU READY FOR THIS.... ZIMZALABIIIMMM 🤪🤪🤪 how are you my queen 🙆🏽‍♀️ ivveee missed ya, i always look forward to your posts i think a lot of people agree with me but youre just such a NICE AND FUNNY PRESENCE to have around 🙏🏽 im really curious, how have you been, hows life treating you and how has your everyday routine changed? Anything new in eletown? Ive applied for uni so thats a yay 🥳 but im back in germany after being home for 2 months and it sucks -_- -1♏

aHEYEYEYE ZIMZALABIM ZIM-ZIMZALABIM THIS IS LIKE THE MOST PERFECT ENTRANCE YOU COULD HAVE MADE \ajxdfdsk. HELLO hazelnut 💖 welcome back i missed ya too!!! eletown is close to ruins omg. not gonna lie these past months have been absolutely shit POOP mentally 😳 and im getting panic attacks constantly teehe 🤭 but how have u beenn???? lets go uni legend!!! lets get this education

___________________________________________________________

 About what you said, 100% if ill havemy ownkids ill definitely put them into some of those sports or music groups, so theyll understand those hobbies as a permanent presence in their lives and also just grow accustomed to being active in that sense since i feel like im heavily lacking exacy that jsbshdh but who knows... Thank you for your kind words 😭 but irl i can be a VERY passive aggressive isolating hobo so thats that hm :/ about the traveling thing I ACTUALLY AM GOING TO PARIS - 2♏

same aksdhfjds im gonna be like everyone’s sad bitch lets get u some hobbies!!!! i understand i think im like that irl too. it’s easier to express ourselves through the interweb 🤔 but it doesnt matter that doesn’t make u any less valid 💖

_________________________________________________________

WITH 2 OF MY FRIENDS IN JULY TO SEE NCT 🤧 and we'll also be staying at airbnb for 2 nights so thats gonna be a lot of firsts 😳 honestly its very daunting since its a foreign country and its our first alone and we'll probably camp overnight for the concert so if you have any tips pls share

OMMMGGG. you are going to see NCTSUS???? HAVE FUNNN!!!! GOOO CRAZZYYY AAAA GO STUPPPIIDD. tell taeil that i luv him. oh honestly it’s going to be tiring but i’m sure u are going to have an amazing time.

as for airbnb im guessing u have already booked it right??(in case you haven’t, make sure ur airbnb is close to a central station and in a relatively safe neighbourhood. also before you book, do ask your host any questions you have, it’s their responsibility to reply to you)!!!

more tips, generally hosts are very helpful so don’t be afraid to ask them anything, like how to get there etc and like if any of ur friends is more chill and sociable let them take the lead it’s going to be more relaxing for u!!! i can’t give u any tips for the cocnert cause ive never been to one 😭 but as an extra tip for travelling if your budget is not that big, get food from supermarkets and carry cleaning supplies w you(wet wipes etc)

_________________________________________________________

but youre so right, everything is progress even if sometimes it feels like im stuck in that SAME PLACE i was 3 years ago ive grown despite that we just gotta keep going and take things as they come 🤡 omg gay parties that sounds very fun ;-; hope i can go too omg day once i stop being such a baby. Its so wild to me safe spaces really exist where gays just approach each other thats unbelievable too good to be true... (also cant believe i missed your bday by so much but still hope it was nice💕 ♏4

exactly. despite not being that well we still here!!! we still hanging!! we still dumb bitches !!!! nobody can take that from us 😠 dont worry abt it. gay parties won’t end, u will be able to attend one when u feel ready!! really its crazy that safe places do exist but it’s so hard to get yourself out there and just go..PFT. NOTHING IT’S EASY. my bday was so miserable glad it’s over omg!!!! and now im officially a hag 💖

[uberfluss]

1-97 xoxo

1. What’s your middle name? i forgot i needed one

2. What are you listening to right now? this baby dont cry by K. Flay!

3. What was the last thing you ate? oatmeal

4. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone? my aunt

5. Do you drink? occassionally 

6. Do you smoke? nope

7. What is the first thing you noticed in someone? usually their affect

8. What is your hair color? naturally dark brown currently fire engine red that wont fucking fade

9. What is your eye color? blue green grey 

10. Do you wear contacts/glasses? both

11. Dogs or cats? cats!

12. What’s your favorite animal?cats oscars or ferrets

13. What’s your favorite television show? myth busters or how its made

14. What’s your favorite movie? beetlejuice!!

15. What’s your favorite band/singer? Billie Eilish Grandson Kflay and Mallrat have been the most recent

16. How old are you? i literally dont know half the time

17. Do you have a crush on anyone? not to my knowledge

18. What’s your sexual orientation? bi

19. What’s your favorite color? honestly i think pink

20. What was your most embarrassing moment? i literally dont know 

21. Do you ever wish you were someone else? all the fucking time

22. What were you like when you were a kid? annoying as hell never shut up and never stopped moving

23. What would your dream house be like? a small little apartment that i could safely afford

24. What last made you laugh? shaving cream in a crock

25. What is your favorite word?idt i have one 

26. What is your least favorite word? not sure

27. What turns you on? no

28. What turns you off? someone being a fucking asshat

29. What is your star sign? triple sagittarius

30. What are your favorite books? hunger games, illiad, mary shelly’s frankenstein, les miserables, and donte’s inferno.

31. Do you have any siblings? too many

32. Do you like to dance? only by myself

33. What is your definition of cheating? starting a relationship with no intent to tell your other partner(s)

34. Have you ever cheated on someone? no

35. Do you regret anything? loads

36. Do you have any phobias? driving through farmland gives me anxiety if that counts

37. Ever broken any bones? i’ve only fractured my rib the rest have been just dislocations and subfluxes which are daily occurances 

38. Ever come close to death? we all do

39. What is your religion, if any? a mess

40. Have you ever been to a psychiatrist/therapist? yep currently seeing one

41. Are looks important in a relationship? not really?

42. Are you more like your mom or your dad? hopefully neither

43. What is your favorite season? summer!!!

44. Do you have any tattoos? like 2

45. Do you have any piercings? like 9 hopefully gonna make it 11 soon

46. How many boyfriends/girlfriends have you had? three

47. Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character? lydia deetz when i was like 7 

48. Who is your celebrity crush? winona ryder 

49. Are you a virgin? not answering

50. Do you get jealous easily? i literally cant name a time i’ve been truly jealous

51. What is your favorite type of food? sweets

52. Do you ever want to get married? i see no point in signing a legally binding document that ties me to a person for the foreseeable future. if anything it sounds like really bad dangerous idea.

53. Who was your first kiss with? a girl named maggie in the 6th grade and not the maggie that i post about

54. Have you ever been cheated on? no

55. What is your idea of the perfect date? sitting on a rooftop of a parking garage downtown at night taking photos and enjoying the view of the buildings around eating fries from some fast food place

56. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? extroverted introvert

57. Do you believe in aliens or life on other planets? i wouldn’t be suprised

58. What talent do you wish you’d been born with? a way with words that doesnt make me seem like an asshole half the time

59. What is your saddest memory? when i lost contact with my parter for two and a half years

60. Do you believe in love at first sight? no

61. Do you believe in soul mates? yes

62. Have you ever dyed your hair? all the time

63. Has someone ever spread a nasty rumor about you? no

64. Would you go against your moral code for money? no

65. What are three things most people don’t know about you? 1 i have a kid 2 im partially deaf 3 im in mensa

66. Who are you jealous of? no one really

67. Do you sleep with a stuffed toy? a plush heart from my partner

68. How long was your longest relationship? dont know

69. Is the glass half empty or half full? the glass is half full of air and half full of liquid and therefore completely full

70. What is the sexiest thing someone could ever do for/to you? no

71. Who is your most loyal friend? Maggie Lizard U.

72. Are you in a relationship?  yes

73. If you have a boyfriend/girlfriend, what is your favorite thing about him/her? everything

74. Are you a bad person? it feels like it some days

75. Are you a lover or a fighter? lover

76. What did you do on your last birthday? i dont do anything for my birthday ever

77. What is your favorite quote and why? 

“ there are 7 billion 47 million people on the planetAnd I have the audacity to think I matterI know it's a lie but I prefer it to the alternative”Because you do have to convince yourself there’s value to your life. even if you know deep down there’s nothing because if  you dont you’ll walk down a very dark and dangerous road with only one end. and its not a very pleasant one

78. If your best friend died, what would you do? given she’s the reason im alive i’d probably be completely unable to cope 

79. If you had to go back in time and change one thing, what would it be? i dont even know

80. If you only had 24 hours to live, what would you do? i’d call the people i love and tell them i love them and try to hang out with them if i could

81. What is the strangest dream you’ve ever had? the only dream i can remember is sitting on a curb with maggie playing some jenga like game next to a crashed helicopter surrounded by terrified people with guns and we were just smiling watching a giant giant gaint ship come barreling towards us and i KNew that it was the start of the end of the world. 

82. Are you happier single or in a relationship? i think the same. depends on the relationship.

83. Who were you in a past life? some Victorian bastard

84. What is your happiest childhood memory? driving around around midnight through downtown milwaukee after a death cab concert at the rave

85. Have you ever experienced unrequited love? yes

86. Have you ever had an imaginary friend? no but my sister had an imaginary friend called mr fork taht she never questioned and she thought when she got older he’d turn into mr knife. she didnt like mr fork and she wanted him to leave

87. If you were the president, what would you do? step down

88. What is your ideal career? i plan on going into phsychology and becomning a therapist ideally i want to run a shelter for run-aways or kids that got kicked out that would provide a stable enviroment and gave kids a place to stay as long as needed and if possible get the parents into therapy with those kids and resolve the home conflicts while the kids are still in the care of the shelter to ensure that they’re not mistreated as a result of anything that was said 

89. What is your political affiliation? socialist at minimum

90. Are you conservative or liberal? liberal

91. Is the male or female body closest to perfection? what the hell is perfection??

92. Do you like kissing in public? depends on the place

93. If you could change one thing in the world, what would you change? create healthy equality 

94. Where would you like to live? in the middle of a giant bustling city like new york or hong kong or in a secluded pine forest running on solar pannels and well water and being completely sustainable

95. Where would you go on your dream vacation?

everywhere

96. Describe yourself in one word.

headache

97. Describe yourself in one sentence.

a dumbass who is really trying their hardest and it just doesnt wanna work

[solastia]

Beneath The Surface | 5

Chapters: [1] [2] [3] [4] [5]

Pairing: Jung Hoseok x Reader

Word Count: 5,746

Genre & Warnings: Angst, very sad Hobi Hobi ( I feel like that should be an actual warning lol), some fluff, Jisoo is an annoying bitch and calls everyone Oppa and Unnie, obviously cussing because it’s me. This is mostly an MC character growth chapter, where Sunflower’s past gets resolved so she can move on and be more open to possibilities in her future. 

Notes: I really hate making my Hobi sad, so I hope you guys realize how much work went into this chapter. I literally made myself cry. 

“Hold up, she said what?”

Hoseok gawked in disbelief at Bang PD. He really hoped this was a fucking nightmare because he was ready to wake up. 

“Hoseok, she already told me everything, so I’d appreciate it if you didn’t act dumb. I just wish you would have come to me with this sooner so we would have a more concrete game plan. For now, we just have to post a couple of pictures and maybe have Jisoo show up at a concert or something. We’ve already made the official announcement on Twitter.” Bang PD sighed and rubbed his temples like he was forming a migraine. Hoseok felt like he might be developing one as well. 

Bang PD looked at Hoseok with such a disappointed gaze as he waved a paper in the air that he felt like a worm, even if he was innocent of this. 

Bang PD cleared his throat and read the paper. 

“As the leader of Hypnotic, I feel like it is my duty to come clean with any personal matters that may affect my group. So I am happy to announce that I am officially dating Jung Hoseok of BTS and that I will be making it public knowledge.”

“But none of it is true!” Hoseok yelled, slapping his open palm against the desk. He was just so frustrated. Why wouldn’t anyone listen? “I’ve never even said anything to her beyond hello and goodbye. I’ve never been alone with her, I’ve never touched her, and I am certainly not dating her.” 

“Hoseok, can you really blame me for believing this? You’re literally still on lockdown because you got caught sneaking out to see a girl. I hate having to treat you guys like kids, but it is for the good of the entire group. Now we have to deal with this. Hopefully, the fans won’t freak out too much and just accept it. Give it at least a few months, and we’ll announce a split if you’re still set on it.” 

“Of course I’m still set on it. I don’t know or like her. Please, don’t make me do this! Just say it was a mixup or a misunderstanding! I never ask you for anything! The girl that I’m on lockdown for, she cant see this! I’m with her, not Lee Jisoo.” Hoseok pleaded, unable to control the tears anymore. 

Bang PD quietly sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “I’m sorry, Hoseok. It’s already been announced. As far as the world is concerned, you’re dating Lee Jisoo.”

Hoseok crumbled into the desk chair, shoving his face into his hands as he sobbed. He was so close to being done with everything. So sick of feeling like he wasn’t good enough, sick of not being able to live like a fucking human. And now...now they were taking away his hope. His Sunflower. 

“Don’t be afraid to stand a little closer, you two. This is a couple photo after all.” The photographer chuckled as he pushed Hoseok and Jisoo closer together. 

Hoseok was so uncomfortable, and he’d never been so close to punching a woman in his life. He’d been practically choking on his rage since the moment she’d step foot in the office. Her smug strut and overconfident smirk had him seeing red. He didn’t understand. Why him? She could have pulled this stunt with any of them. Why the hell did she pick him? He’d never done anything to encourage her or piss her off that he knew of. He didn’t know when they’d get a chance to talk alone, but when they did, she’d learn he wasn’t all sunshine and smiles. 

“Achoo!”Jisoo sneezed delicately. Followed by a sniffle, then two more mouse-like sneezes. Hoseok glared down at her only to see her gaze narrowed in on the sunflower pinned to his shirt. 

“I’m terribly sorry, Hoseok Oppa, but that flower has to go. I’m allergic.” Jisoo batted her eyelashes up at him, and his scowl deepened. No way in hell. 

He ignored her and focused on the photographer. He saw her fake smile start to slip a little from the corner of his eye and gained a little bit of satisfaction from that. He tried to zone out enough to where he couldn't hear the annoying sniffling. She could deal with being uncomfortable for a few damn minutes considering she’s fucking with his life. 

“Jisoo, why does it look like you’re crying?” The photographer asked, walking up to them with a slight frown. “I can’t shoot with you looking like that.” 

“It’s just that I’m allergic and can’t be around flowers. Hoseok Oppa has a sunflower on his shirt.” She responded quietly, almost sounding apologetic. 

“Ah, I see. Hoseok, as charming as you look with your flower, we'll have to get rid of it to get through this,” the photographer sighed. 

Hoseok was about to fight to keep it when he saw Manager Sejin shake his head from behind the photographer. Hoseok dropped his head in defeat. Sejin was under orders to add another day to his lockdown everytime he acted out during this whole debacle. With a trembling hand and a weary heart, Hoseok unpinned his sunflower and gave it to Sejin to hold onto for the duration of the shoot. He couldn’t help feeling like it was almost symbolic. 

Seeing Jisoo’s satisfied expression as he got back into position pissed him off, so he let his mask drop. He let every hateful thought, his disgust with this situation and her, and general unhappiness shine through in all its glory. Her eyes widened, and he swore he heard a little gulp. Good.

“Let’s get this over with, yeah? And quit fucking calling me Oppa.” He slipped back into his Jhope persona, smile as wide as the sun, and prayed his Sunflower would see through it. 

“Stop looking so good.” You groaned at the television in frustration. 

After the news with Jisoo, the media had been going crazy, and now every channel you tried to watch had something BTS related. They’d even mentioned it on a cooking show! The news was always paired with yet another stunning picture of Hoseok, and it was driving you mad. You couldn’t get away from him. Even Momo missed him. Anytime something played that had Hoseok’s voice, Momo’s ears would perk up, and he’d give the saddest little whine. You were both pathetically whipped for the man.

Just as you’re about to throw something at your TV in frustration, your friend Nari lets herself into your apartment. She shakes bottles of raspberry soju knowing you’ll let her stay thanks to her offering. You sigh and scoot over, patting the spot next to you on the couch.

“Not that I’m not happy to see you and those lovely bottles, but whatcha doing here?” You ask as you crack open one of the bottles and take a sip. She follows suit and sinks into her seat. 

“You’ve been either moping here at home or working your ass off in the studio, so no one’s seen you in forever. We’re all worried. What’s going on? Can you finally tell me?” Nari asked softly, looking at you with her big brown eyes filled with worry. 

You sigh and decide it’s finally time to clue someone in on all the madness. You’d never told your friends you’d seen Hoseok again after that time at the bar when you’d first met. You’d wanted to respect his privacy, and while you trusted your friends, you’d just wanted him to be safe. God, that seemed like a lifetime ago. And even though you were hurting right now, you still couldn’t find it in you to be regretful about bringing him home that night.

You cuddle up next to Nari and pour it all out. You told her of your date, the time apart, the week you’d worked together. You’d told her that you were head over heels in love with Jung Hoseok. And that it didn’t matter because somehow he was now dating one of the girls you choreographed for. You observed in amusement as her eyes widened with each twist or reddened when she was angry, or you’d perhaps shared a little too much. 

“Y/N. This whole time. I knew you were upset about something, but I assumed it was because of your ex. Holy shit though, JHope and you! I didn’t know you were going through so much. I feel like a horrible friend.” Nari’s face fell, and she threw her legs over your lap and cuddled up to you. You chuckle and pat her head fondly. 

“I’ll be fine.” You reassure her, but she looks at you like she knows that’s a lie.

“I know you say that, but your eyes tell me a different story. The way you talk about him...you never sounded like that with your ex. Like, never. I was never even sure you liked him, let alone loved him. When you talk about Hoseok though? I’m almost envious because he sounds like your soulmate. You really loved him, didn’t you?” 

You should tell her no, keep repeating the lie over and over until it sticks. Instead, you just tell her the truth. “Yes, I did. I still do. I can’t make it stop, and I don’t know if it ever will.” You pat her shins draped across you with a heavy sigh and give her a bittersweet smile. 

“What we need to do is get this Jisoo chick out of the picture,” she declared, causing you to raise an eyebrow in amusement. 

“You sound like you’re in the mafia now.” You laugh. “Besides, she’s an idol. Even if I do work with her, there’s nothing I can do.” 

“I will gladly join the fight.” Nari declares, fist to the sky.

“There’s nothing to fight against. Get your shoes off the couch and stop quoting Hamilton.” You giggle as you push her legs off you and get up. You weren’t as drunk as you wanted to be and the two of you had run out of soju. You were sure you had some wine somewhere around here. 

You were distracted from hunting through your cabinets when you heard a gasp. You quickly turn around to see if Nari was okay. She was staring at her phone in shock. 

“What is it? What’s wrong?” You ask, trying to peek. Nari quickly slammed the phone against her chest, blocking it from your view. She looked up at you with alarmed eyes. Clearing her throat, she murmured, “Nothing.” 

“Nari...” You spoke in a flat warning tone. Somehow you knew what you were about to see. “Just show me.” 

With a great show of reluctance, Nari handed you the phone. Right there on the official BTS twitter was a picture. A couple picture. Of Jung Hoseok and Lee Jisoo. 

Your hand was shaking so much that you couldn’t keep the phone still, but you could still make out every detail. Jisoo looked so proud and beautiful as she stood next to him, her tight pale green dress complementing Hoseok’s grey and green suit. He was smiling widely, and you didn’t know if it was just a vain hope that you thought his eyes looks unhappy. Your eyes scanned the picture, feeling like something was missing. You stared, wondering what you were looking for when it suddenly hit you. 

The sunflower. There was no sunflower. 

You scanned the entire picture, thinking maybe they’d told him he couldn’t wear it with that outfit. Perhaps he’d had to hide it somewhere. So you looked at every corner and crevice the picture showed, zooming in on everything. Not only was there no sunflower, there wasn’t even a single flower of any kind in the picture. 

It was over. Hoseok didn’t want you anymore. 

You inhaled shakily and handed Nari back her phone, not meeting her eyes. You push yourself up off the couch and make your way to the kitchen to renew your search for the wine. You needed it now more than ever. 

“Y/N...Do you want to talk about it?” Nari asks tentatively as she walked behind you. 

“No. What’s there to talk about? He’s moved on to someone in his own world, someone his company obviously approves of. He looks happy. That’s all that matters, right?” You answer, voice shakey as you try to keep your emotions in check.

“Stop pretending you’re okay, cause I know you’re not,” Nari whispers as she hugs you from behind and the contact makes you break down. You crumble to the floor and Nari follows you down, gathering you up and rocking you gently as you sob. 

Tomorrow, you promise yourself. Tomorrow you’ll go back to being fine. You’ll go to work and pretend that seeing Jisoo doesn’t kill you inside. You’ll go back to trying to live your life without Jung Hoseok in it. 

But tonight you needed to be miserable. Tonight you needed to cry and mourn what was probably the love of your life. So you let Nari play with your hair as you wept all over her until you finally fell into an exhausted sleep and hoped he’d be in your dreams.

You stare at yourself in the dance studio mirror as you wipe the sweat from your face. You’d had the girls working for three hours now, and you were tempted to add another hour in hopes it would wipe the smirk off Jisoo’s face. 

This whole time you’d been wondering how Hoseok and Jisoo had happened. You didn’t even remember them ever talking, but they apparently had because she was looking at you with such venom that there was no way this was about dance practice. 

She knew. 

Jisoo was looking at you with pride and disdain. The look of a woman who’d won. The look of a woman who probably pitied you. If she knew, that meant Hoseok had told her, because you were sure the two of you had been careful enough. Why would he tell her? Did they sit around and laugh behind your back? Were you really so desperate for love that you’d become an easy target? 

“Y/N Unnie, you look distressed. Is everything alright?” Jisoo asked sweetly, her eyes wide and a worried look on her face. The overall effect was ruined by her smirk. 

“Oh, I’m just super Jisoo. Just worried about the choreography. If you were a better dancer, it wouldn’t be an issue, but I’m wondering if I should dumb it down a little. Don’t be afraid to ask for help, sweetie.” You mock in a dulcet tone.

The rage that filled Jisoo’s face made you childishly happy. You turn away and prepare to leave when Jisoo grabs your wrist and digs her overly long nails in. 

“I’m so sorry, Unnie. Maybe now that I have Hoseok Oppa, I’ll get better. It’s amazing what those hips of his can do. But you already know that, don’t you?” She coos, and you have to clench your fist behind you to keep from smacking her. You tear your wrist away, momentarily allowing your irritation to be seen. 

“You are far from the innocent you portray yourself to be," you answer in a monotone. You clench your teeth and hope you can keep your emotions in check. Your job was more important than Jisoo’s enjoyment of your pain. 

“Oh, Unnie. Are you upset that I took your man? Don’t be. I’m doing you a favor after all. Eventually, he would have gotten bored with a nobody like you. He needs someone who understands life as an idol, someone who looks beautiful next to him. Sadly, that’s not you. Don’t worry, I’ll treat him well.” Jisoo smiles evilly. 

“You know, the truth about what a bitch you are is going to come to light, and we’ll see how much of an “Idol” you are then. If I find out this is all fake and you’re hurting my Hobi, I will fucking end you.” You growl, your patience finally nearing its limit. 

Jisoo’s throws her head back and laughs. “You think you can threaten me? You? You’re nothing. Hoseok already told me all about your little camping trip fuck. Said it was the easiest lay of his life.” Jisoo narrowed her eyes at you, searching for signs of weakness. You gave her nothing and quickly turned to storm out of the room. 

“Get back here. I’m not done talking to you, wench!” Jisoo shrieked.

“Sorry. I don’t speak skank.” You taunt as you slam the door behind you. 

You quickly make your way to your car and throw your duffle bag into the seat next to you. You lean back and finally let your tears fall, angrily hitting the steering wheel. You couldn’t remember ever crying this much over anything. You didn’t even cry when your fiance had cheated on you. You didn’t want to cry anymore. 

You wanted to get drunk. 

You start your car and call Nari, ordering her to get the girls together. It was time for a night out. 

It felt bizarre sitting in this club again. The last time you were here was when you were drinking away the fact that it was supposed to be your wedding day and you’d met Hoseok. A night that seemed so long ago when it really wasn’t. Now you were back, mourning your shitty love life yet again. In the same seat at the same table with the same girls. Nari had already told you she’d tried to invite the boys again, but their lockdown was no joke. She hadn’t been able to get a hold of anyone but had left messages letting them know they were here.

You zone out as the girls chat around, your gaze narrowed on the booth that Hoseok had dragged you to that first night. You want to laugh and cry at the same time as you think about all of the stupid “get to know you” questions Hoseok had asked you. Beyond the usual “What’s your favorite color,” he’d also asked ridiculous things like “What cartoon character turns you on the most?” and “What kind of dance style should our firstborn specialize in?” You smirk to yourself when you remember his judgemental look when you’d told him clog dancing was probably going to be pretty popular by then. God, you missed him.

You are brought back to the present when your friend Tiffany pokes your side. “You might want to look over at the bar.” She says, and your eyes follow her pointing finger. 

At first, you don’t see anything out of the ordinary. The usual assortment of greasy men and sad women. A little flicker of hope wants you to believe it’s Hoseok she’s pointing out, but you hadn’t told her anything about him yet so it couldn’t be that. Your eyes flutter across the bodies assembled in front of the bar, and you finally spot who your friend is pointing out. Even from behind you can tell who it is. With a heavy sigh, you observe the man with irritation as he turns around and meets your eyes. 

Your ex-fiance Seon smiles like he’s genuinely happy to see you. When you notice he’s walking towards your table, you nod towards another open booth, not wanting to subject your friends to whatever drama he was about to start. 

“I’ll be right back.” You murmur to your friends, smiling reassuringly at Nari who was looking at you with concern. 

You slide into the booth and stare at Seon. He’d obviously come here straight from work, as he was still in his suit pants and white shirt. You thought he’d maybe lost a little bit of weight and wondered if he was forgetting to eat again. He did that sometimes when they were working on something big at his company. You shook your head and reminded yourself it wasn’t your problem anymore, although five years of worrying about the man in front of you was a hard habit to break. 

You were a little surprised with yourself. You’d imagined various situations where you’d run into him again and you’d always pictured you’d be an emotional wreck. Instead, all you felt was mild irritation and trepidation over whatever he wanted to talk to you about. 

“What are you doing here?” You ask, trying to force yourself to keep a civil tone.

“Work. We’re celebrating closing a huge deal. You remember that one with the CEO from Japan that we’ve been talking about for almost a year? It went through. Probably going to get a promotion after this.”

“Congratulations, Seon. I’m happy for you. I know you’ve been working hard for that one.” You were amazed by much you really meant it. 

“You look good, Angel.” He says softly, smiling as he fidgets with his drink. 

You snort at the use of the nickname. “Did you pull that overused line straight from the post-breakup manual?” 

“Does that exist? I could use that. How to survive breakups for absolute morons.” He joked, and you genuinely laughed. His smile softened as he watched you. You return his stare and just sit in silence for a minute. Seon keeps searching your face like he’s looking for something or memorizing your features.

“Why did you come over here?” You blurt, growing uncomfortable. 

“I wanted to apologize.”

You cock an eyebrow and prepare to say something snarky, but his expression makes you pause. He looked like he was sincere. Of course, you’d thought he was nothing but honest and sincere throughout your entire relationship and look where that got you. Still, you nod for him to continue. 

“I’ve wanted to call you since then to talk to you, but I either chicken out or decide it’s better to just let it be and let you move on with your life. However, I just can’t pass up the chance to tell you how sorry I am. I know that nothing I can say will erase what I did, or how unbelievably stupid I was to do it, but the least I could do is tell you that I regret it so much and that it was never your fault.” 

You bite your lip and soak in his apology. You’d always wondered if you’d done more, if you’d been more, would he have cheated. You’d felt like used trash for months, so this was nice to hear. 

“Thank you.” You whisper, looking down at the remnants of your drink. 

“I just...kinda want to tell you why? I mean, I didn’t go out and choose to do that with a reason clear in my mind, but I’ve been moping around the apartment alone for six months now. Plenty of time for introspection.” 

You look up surprised that he’s willing to give you more. He’d never been the most emotionally open person. You nod and observe as he takes a deep breath before locking eyes with you. 

“I think...it was mostly because I was scared? You know how my parents are. Poster children for a marriage gone wrong. The rumors are that once upon a time they were madly in love. Now they have screaming matches three times a day and make jokes about waiting for each other to die. I just...didnt want that to happen for us. I didn’t want you to wake up one morning and realize you were just waiting to die to get away from me. I didn’t want to see the love in your eyes dim year after year as you realize I’m not worth it. I wanted you to be free to find someone who deserves you more than me, someone who’s not so fucked up. So I kinda subconsciously did that in the hopes of being caught so you’d end it without regrets. I realize that I went about it in a shitty way, but that just proves my point of how I don’t deserve someone as great as you. I should have manned up and told you my fears. Then you could have just hated me for being a coward instead of a cheating coward.” 

To say you’re surprised by everything he’s telling you would be an understatement. This was probably the most you’d ever heard him speak about his feelings. You sigh deeply and grab his hand. 

“I don’t hate you. I was angry, though. So god damn angry. At myself, at you, at the world. I was disappointed. Afraid. I worried that with any future relationship I had I would be waking up every morning and wondering if that was the day they’d grow bored with me too. But I never hated you. It’s hard to really hate someone that you’d spent five years loving.” You tell him as you pat his hand. 

“Never bored. Five years and I was never once bored. Sex with you was always amazing so you can take that off your list right now.” Seon jokes and you giggle and slap his arm away. 

“I just want you to know that I’m not telling you all this because I want you to take me back. In fact, I would be incredibly upset if you did take me back after going through all that to let you find someone better than me. I just...wanted to give us both some closure and I wanted to make sure that you knew that it was absolutely not you. You took such good care of me that six months later I’m still trying to learn how to cook and do laundry. You supported me in everything, and I always appreciated how much you were there for me. I will always, always love you. You were the first person to love me and even if the both of us end up married to someone else in the future, I will always regret never marrying you. I just never thought I deserved your love. The blame is all on me and my issues. Speaking of which, I actually started counseling last month, with the therapist that you told me to look into about my parents. I decided that I probably needed it so that I don’t try to sabotage my relationships again in the future.” 

“That’s great! I’m glad you’re doing that.” You smile at Seon warmly. You were starting to feel a little lighter inside. At least one of your issues was getting resolved. 

Seon chuckles before clearing his throat. “Also, I know it’s a lot to ask, and I totally don’t expect you to take me up on it right away, but I was hoping we could still see each other? I don’t mean see each other, but like, hang out? It’s just...for five years you were not just my girlfriend, but you were also my best friend and my one constant in life. I wake up, and I forget that you’re gone. I start your coffee and toast, put on pants and grab a leash to take Momo out for a walk, and it’s not until I wonder why I can’t find him that I remember you’re not there. I just really miss talking to you. I miss you. And I miss our son. How is Momo?”

“Your son Momo is fine.” You grin. You’d forgotten how he always called Momo his son. “He missed you for awhile. Refused to sleep in his crate unless I put a shirt of yours in there. Look, I can’t promise to be able to easily become your friend again, but I’ll try. And in the meantime, you can have visitations with Momo if you wanted. I’ll admit that beneath the anger, I did miss you too. We did have five years of good memories before that day.” 

“Thank you. You didn’t even have to talk to me, so thank you for listening, and I hope you’ll want to see me again sometime. Thank you, Angel. Goodbye.” Seon’s eyes were suspiciously watery as he grabbed your hand and placed a soft kiss on the back of it. You smile and pat his cheek. 

“Thank you. I was worried I’d be bitter forever. Call me in a couple weeks, and we’ll set a day for you to take Momo to the park or something.” You say as you stand up. You spot bright red out of the corner of your eye as you step away from the booth. Out of curiosity, you glance towards the bright color only to be met with Hoseok’s shocked eyes. He frantically looks between you and Seon, confusion and hurt in his eyes, before hardening his gaze and stomping away. 

“No, HOSEOK. Come back! Shit...” You yell after him, trying to make your way through the sweaty crowd. You spot Nari at the bar and corner her. 

“What are they doing here? I just saw Hoseok?” You shriek, grabbing her by the arm as you keep walking towards the door he exited out of. 

“I guess Sejin saw my texts on their phones since he’s the one holding onto them and decided to give them a free night for good behavior. Most of them are at the booth already. I guess they can’t stay that long tonight though since they have some meeting tomorrow. Come sit, I’m sure he just went to get a drink.” Nari tries to reassure you, no doubt seeing your panicked eyes. 

“No. He saw me talking to Seon. He probably thinks I moved on because of the stupid dating announcement. God, the way he looked at me, Nari. There’s no way that dating thing is real. He looked genuinely hurt. I have to find him. I’ll talk to you later.” 

You storm out of the club, frantically searching for Hoseok. You walk up and down the streets and dark, scary alleys. Your feet were still in your stilettos, and they were in so much pain. There were even bloody blisters on the back of your heels that would make dancing considerably painful for a while. Finally, after an hour and a half of searching, you decide to give up, mostly because you could barely walk anymore. Either he’d found a taxi, or he just didn’t want to be found. 

You head back to the club and search for your friend's table. You wanted to at least try to get one of the boys to relay the message to Hoseok that what he thought he saw wasn’t right. As you finally get close enough to the booth, you see it’s once again a girls-only table. You ask Nari, and she tells you that they’ve all gone home already. Your last option is her, so you tell her to text them all that you needed to talk to Hoseok. You text him yourself as well, although you know the chances of Manager Sejin relaying your messages are slim. 

It’s time to give up and go home, you decide. You say goodbye to your friends, receive a hug and an order from Nari to call her later, and order a taxi. You have him stop at a convince store and buy four bottles of Soju. You were going to need them. You stumble into your apartment in an unhappy daze, stopping to peel your high heels off your blood crusted feet, before plopping onto the couch. You scratch Momo behind his ear and crack open your first bottle, forgoing glasses altogether. Soon enough, your mind starts to blank of everything but Hoseok, and you fall asleep thinking of his dismayed expression.

You couldn’t remember ever feeling this hungover in your life. 

Since the moment you’d woken up and rolled off of the couch to crawl to the bathroom, you’d been throwing up. You’d only made it through two of the Soju bottles before you’d passed out and you usually made your way through six at a time with no problem. You wracked your brain trying to think of what else it could be. Maybe something you ate? It couldn’t be anything else because you just had your...

You weakly grab your phone and find your tracking app. Your last period was two months ago. Right before you’d met Hoseok. 

“Shit...shit...fuck...” You call Nari in a panic, saying two words you’d never said before. It was a code you’d all established back in college when scares were the norm. It meant I need you and bring the stick.

“Code Stork.” 

[from-aina-to-zulaikha]

recapping 2020, the year of the pandemic

well.... who would’ve thought this year would go down DOWN like this...... i remember 31st december 2019 we went out with sonsaengnim and some korean meleis to go dinner together at 4 fingers midvalley,,, went to dataran merdeka and watch amazing drones performance.....new year concert with friends.........suddenly on 16th of march malaysia opted for lockdown cus the situation went seriously serious. covid-19, coming from china now is announced as pandemic, people lost their jobs, ‘twas hard for students but i guess everyone’s got used to it. online classes.....online exams......concerts are postponed...flights are cancelled....sigh

i remember earlier this year, it was february i think, i was out in suria klcc sitting alone at starbucks, waiting for my dad to finish his work and suddenly i got a call from embassy of the republic of korea saying i got offered for a 2-weeks scholarship where i could visit korea! i was EXCEPTIONALLY happy. like. damn. i can go to korea and explore it first. well of course i still will go to korea sooner or later but this is an experience that i didnt wanna lose! i can visit the cultural places, learn languages, meet new people, like internationally....and everything is free....it was scheduled in july this year but covid didnt allow me.... well i kinda got sad because i really wanted to experience something like that once in my life. i was so happy i got to grab the chance because, yeah, i won the korean speech contest last year so it was such a golden opportunity for me! but ngeh, sokay, i guess not my rezeki.......

then when lockdown started we had our break for 2 weeks i think, and all the workplaces, universities and schools decided to continue with the all-new online learning and meetings.... microsoft teams, zoom, google meet, everything is used worldwide. so like it was hard at first and i was one of the people who HATED ONLINE CLASSES SO FUCKING MUCH. but nasib la, online exams pun i managed to get 4 flat for semester 1 and 2....... but for semester 3.... i got 3.92. alhamdulillah!

and so..... we finally sat for our TOPIK 2 exam which was postponed twice from april, to may, and finally to july. 12 july. FINALLY. but then the 2nd topik exam also got cancelled due to the current situation. 

RESULTS DAY. i checked my result and i was SUPER SHOCKED cus i got LEVEL 5!!!!!! LEVEL FUCKING 5 BRO HOW THE HELL i mean i didnt even think that i did well in 듣기 and 쓰기 and 읽기 oh my god.... bersyukurnya. meaning i can already secure my place in any university in korea. alhamdulillah. and so i decided to apply for chemical engineering in sungkyunkwan university and mechanical engineering in hanyang university. p/s: papa gave me iphone 11 as present :))))) yippie

but then.......my plans went upside down ㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋㅋ chemical engineering was my first choice but then i actually decided to accept hanyang university’s offer. HAHAHAHAHA THE MAIN REASON WHY IS....... I GOT A SCHOLARSHIP AAAAAAAA because i got level 5 in topik so i got 50% tuition fee reduction and if u calculate it i will receive approximately ~RM10K++++ holy shit bro i love money. it was a hard hard decision to make. did solat istikharah a few times.... and unexpectedly i actually dreamt about going to hanyang with syake, and ain.... (they also 고민 about this too) so that WAS the answer. hanyang university. 

at this point i actually am so happy cus i did receive 2 scholarships at the same time....plus the one that i got from embassy but was cancelled though...total of scholarships = 3...im so grateful and so so overly ecstatic that i am given so much blessings through out the year. one goes, and another comes. tak sia sia amalkan surah al-Waqiah every week. the effects are so so fast, so so rapidly appearing one by one im so overwhelmed. alhamdulillah

tmi: i actually had this one theory where i used to dream a lot at night BUT solely about skies, stars, moon, clouds, and other outer space shit.... i dreamt of a meteor crash belakang rumah, looking at the moon with my mom because there was a weird phenomenon of the moon....a lot of times...i want to say that it relates to my life and my future... because seeing how much i receive from time to time its just so amazing, alhamdulillah alhamdulillah terima kasih ya Allah

we also planned to go for umrah end of this year but then it was all plans...so,,,,, insha allah next time.

another one last magical thing that happened to me this year is.... stray kids <3 god i love stray kids so much. one of my coping mechanism. watched their online concert with myra at gisuksa. so so so happy. bought their merch hoodie. so so grateful to be a STAY. so positive, so special, so lovely. their music, top tier. i stan self-producing idols <3 stray kids will glow more and more in 2021 im speaking into reality. thank you so much stray kids for adding more and more happiness into my life <3 

honestly i never expected to become a kpop stan again.... bcs last time was in 2017??? like i just used to listen to their songs but not a hardcore fan cus i didnt even know who the members are hahahhhaa. but yea unexpectedly, impromptu, unplannedly, im now doing it again. when i saw bang christopher chan, i saw my future. ahahhaahah i cant help but stray kids are the greatest group i have ever seen. every each of them are so so precious and im so lucky to be a stay. 

this year, it was hard for us but alhamdulillah.. it’s all good now. im so happy i get to fly with my korean meleis. all of us. alhamdulillah. to more adventures and happiness in korea! february 2021, degree life here we go!

2020 RESOLUTIONS RECAP:

1. get (at least) level 5 for topik 2 in this april and october! | ACHIEVED

2. 4 flat for foundation semester 2 and 3, insha Allah i can do it. | SEM 2 ACHIEVED, SEM 3 ALHAMDULILLAH HAHHA

3. receive an offer from sungkyunkwan university seoul in chemical engineering. aamiinn!! | result skku next week so idk yet but mesti dapat, but alhamdulillah gerak hanyang lu hahahha chemical engineering celah mana tah

4. DIET. DIET. DIET. less eating, more gym! road to at least 55 kg before yuhak! | more gym, yes. lose weight, no :( i guess i have to jaga makan in korea later on

5. flawless! stop that eczema and keep going aina! you are beautiful and you will always be beautiful! | STILL ONGOING WOOHOOO i see progress

6. no crush, no boyfriend. (yet) AND never get attached to people who considers me as 2nd option. move on from dennis, for fucks sake  | dah lama move on errr. tapi huhu sedikit terluka juga lah tahun ini

7. recite Quran every day, khatam Al-Quran, amalkan surah al-Waqiah, al-Kahfi and al-Mulk. closer, closer and closer to Allah aza wa jalla and never be away from Him the Almighty. | still ongoing. insha allah constant

8. jauhkan diri dari maksiat, no zina mata, zina hati and all det zina | shuh shuh go away

9. always lowkey, always tawadhuk. | insha allah

10. focus on yourself. prioritise family. | YES SELF LOVE SELF CARE

11. give more to people, and Allah will give more to me. be grateful, and Allah will give more to me :) | YESSSSSSS DEFINITELY FACTS

12. ALWAYS help people the best way i could | insha allah

13. if things go hard, never stop. take rests but NEVER STOP. you will always succeed aina <3 im confident of that | you did great this year aina! more are coming your way and i believe you can do it

[werewolfmagic]

So, here's my playlist of my life as it has been so far. I may update it, but this is what every song on it means to me as of what was on it 30 June 2020.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL9_zyjXfClT3ymeEbJNz-a3oWHgs_isWM

1. Lalasweet- So, this first area of the playlist is themed to be my foreign songs. This first one I first heard in college at Radford University. I spent a lot of my time in college walking around listening to music. This one means a lot to me because I can still feel myself walking around campus when I hear it. I see myself very clearly walking in front of the gym, heading to my sociology class in the morning with my fruity tea from Starbucks. I felt so calm back then, the pain from high school just evaporated as I listened to this song.

2. PEEP SHOW- So, this song took a lot of effort for me to find after I first heard it in college. It was written in characters and I couldnt for the life of me get it translated so I could find it on YouTube. But hey, here it is. I sang this song and the previous song to myself a lot as I walked around campus. The same image appears in my head whenever I listen to it.

3. Crossing Field- This one is a trip for me. So, Sword Art Online was my first anime way back when in high school. This is the first opening song to it. This song also got me into listening to japanese music! Sword Art still holds a special place in my heart. I actually read nearly all the books that have been published, and I've seen so much of it. Another sword art song is actually later in the playlist, and it captures more of how the anime makes me feel. This song and this anime mean so much to me. A lot of good came from anime for me.

4. Kakumei Dualism- I've never seen what this is from. But, in high school while I had to wait on my dad to pick me up, this was the first song I learned how to sing in Japanese. So, I couldnt ride the bus because people were dicks to me. I wouldnt get a seat, people would push me around and generally be assholes. So I waited in the lobby for my dad to pick me up after work every day. He got off around 5 usually, and school ended around 3:30, so I had time to kill. This song got me into trying to learn Japanese and learning how to sing!

5. Bye Bye Yesterday- Ahhhh this anime omg! The ending made me cry so hard I would highly recommend watching it. I used to listen to all of the songs from it on my way to therapy in college, so I learned how to sing this as I walked the 1 and a half mile walk I believe it was once every week after I got out of the hospital. This song and this anime give me so many good feelings and good memories.

6.Masayume Chasing- Again, great Japanese song from an amazing anime I love! I listened to this in my room a lot after my dad picked me up. I remember crying a lot while this song was on, I felt so isolated and alone. This song was beautiful to me though, and it got me into listening to BoA. I spent so many hours listening to her music in high school and college!

7. RE:make- This band was just epic to listen to. I forgot I ever found them, I just remember like jamming out to their music once I found them, and when I lost spotify premium, I sorta stopped listening to a great band.

8. Bloody Mary: I got into two bands because if Noragami. Helli Sleepwalkers was one. I used to sing Bloody Mary so often I still think I have it memorized. I sang it to myself in high school and in college, it's practically a mantra now. More on Noragami in a bit.

9. Let me hear- This is from another anime, Parasyte. Great anime, but I honestly like the band more than the anime. Two of my closest friends in high school, Rachael and Maria, I showed this song to them. I still remember sitting in Rachael's room with them, showing them this song. More on both of them when we get to some association songs, there's a lot.

10.Wagakkiband- Great band, I discovered them in high school. I actually dont know what my favourite song by them is, I cant read kanji so I could never find it. I just cried a lot to their music in high school. I would turn it up so my dad couldn't hear my cry, and I would just sob for hours.

11. History Maker- I'm not sure why, but this has always been a hopeful more lovey song to me.

12. Everything- This song means a lot to me. I discovered this band through Noragami too, I loved that anime I read so much of the manga too because season 3 still isnt out. The oral cigarettes got me through a lot, and I mean a lot. I've always actually wanted someone to sing this song to. It's a love song, I've memorized it so I can sing with the song. I've always dreamed of one day singing this to someone who means everything to me. If you ever get the chance to translate it, this song defined how I viewed love for a while. I still hope one day i can sing this song to that special someone,I just hope I get the chance to.

13. Anohona- This is a real cry song for me. Whenever I felt worthless, i would listen to this. The anime is a real tearjerker too. The line "Something must be wrong with me" resonates with me to this day. People who love each other drifting apart, and blaming yourself for it. I cried to this song for countless hours, I really feel like it defined me for so long. I'm actually listening to it as I write this and I'm already crying because of it. It just always makes me feel like there truly is something wrong with me.

14. God knows- This is a song like Everything. I really want to sing this for someone who means the world to me one day, I've practiced it so much! I hope one day I get the opportunity to sing this to who I truly love. Honestly, this feels like a song for someone who is struggling. I wish i could sing it to my love when she truly needs it most. Because yeah, "I will follow you, no matter what we go through." If you listen to this song love, please know that I feel it could mean something to you too.

15. Catch the moment- this is the other sword art song. I got to watch the movie this came from with my dad. It's one of the last things we did together before we drifted apart when I came out. We went to a super fancy restaurant that night, i had vietnamese food for the first time, and i watched an amazing movie with my dad. I really treasure that memory, and I always will. More on my dad later on.

16. Bebe- Time to change themes. These songs relate to my music career in highschool. I was in marching band, jazz band, and concert band. I played Alto Sax. I always worked towards playing this song. I got the Jimmy Dorsey Sax guide as a Christmas gift from my aunt. And I used it to get better. I never could make it to this level though. I always worked towards it but I fell short. My best in this song was the first few lines of music with no mistakes.

17. String of Pearls- My sophomore year in high school, I played the sax solo from this. It's the performance I'm most proud of. It took a lot of effort, and I fucked up when I finally did it, but I'm really proud of myself for accomplishing what I did. It made me really happy to get to do this solo.

18. Law and Order- I learned to play this on sax too! I actually wanted to perform it in concert, but I was never allowed to. This show means a lot to me. Growing up, I used to sit with my dad and watch it with him. This was way back in elementary school when we did this, and I have a lot of fond memories of watching this show with him and talking with him. It felt like we never really spent enough time together.

19. Pink Panther- I would say this song is what I'm most proud of learning on my own. I never performed it, but I did show off with it during jazz band. I was so proud of myself when I managed to growl with the song! I feel like I really nailed the style of this song.

20. Your latest trick- This is another solo I'm really proud of teaching myself! I never played it, but damnnnn I fuckin nailed it when I played it.

21. Deacon Blues- I would always suggest this song to my band director for us to play in concert. We never did do it though. I love the solo, and I spent so many hours learning how to play this song and just vibing listening to it.

22. Zoor Suit Riot- This is the song I listened to a lot during band camp one year. Band camp was always an experience, I have a lot of stories from it, but this one hurt me, and this song I associate with that pain. My dog, Jake, he was an Autralian Shepherd. He was attacked by a pit bull. He died while I was at band camp. I knew he was sick before I left, and I wanted to stay with him, but my dad convinced me I should go because if I didnt I wouldnt have been in marching band that year. I regret going. I wish I spent my dog's last day with him. He was the best dog I ever had, I raised him. My family didnt even tell me he died until a month later, they just kept saying he was with my grandfather. I really miss my dog, and this is the song that reminds me I shouldve stayed home with him.

23. Centerfold- This is the song I associate with the good side of marching band! This was a stand tune we played during football games, and I really could like dance and jump around while playing it! It was a super fun experience!

24. Radioactive- Heres the bad side of band. My junior year, there was a solo in this song in marching band. We were allowed to audition for it. I tried so hard to get an audition with my band director. He kept saying to ask him tomorrow during pre camp. I said I could come in early, or I could stay late any day, but he kept blowing it off. He said I could do it first day of band camp. I asked when I got there, he said wait until tomorrow. The next day, he gave away the solo to his favourite person, and nobody even got to audition. He just chose his favourite. That really fucked with me. My senior year of highschool, the band director picked on me a lot too. There were so many problems in band, and he always blamed me. I was yelled at because I told the drum major we had to move because the susophones would run into a car if we didnt. I was yelled at for reporting drug use. I was going to kill myself because what was my life at that point was making me miserable. This is the first time i ever cut, this was the first time i wanted to die and i was going to act on it. Maria saved me, and i quit band. More on maria below. This song just reminds me of how fucked up the whole situation was.

25. Honeybee- This is the first of my people association songs! This one is for Maria, my sister. You aren't the first person I made a list of songs for and got one from love. Maria and I had the idea first. I felt it would help us get closer as sisters! This was when we were house sitting for rachael that we did this. The first time I didnt have nightmares was when we shared a bed and snuggled together. Honeybee was one of her songs. She saved me from band. She saved me from myself. She never really understood my depression, but she always helped. Shes also who I came out to first when I came out as trans. She helped me learn how to pass as a girl, and she accepted me for me. I've always loved talking to her, she'll always be one of the people I'm closest to. Shes family. Emily is too, that's my other sister. I dont have a song for Emily sadly, but she means the world to me too. Hell, if you want to know more about any of what I'm saying or more about these people, just ask me love and I'll tell you everything. You still have my number, and you can always message me on here.

26. Mona Lisa- This is my first of two for Rachael's songs. Rachael is the second person I came out to, and she helped me along with maria. I actually ran away from home on Christmas 3 years ago. My dad's girlfriend started yelling at me and I just ran away. I texted Rachael on Christmas Eve and she came and picked me up on the side of the road. I spent Christmas that year with her family and her. I spent next christmas there too. Rachael has always helped me through a lot. She also never really understood my depression, but shes always been a good friend.

27. Fox on the run- This is Rachael's other song. She used to pick me up every morning and take me to school. We would listen to music and chill together on the car ride, and this was one of the songs. I always treasured my time with her, and I often think back on those car rides.

28.Tattered Banners- This song is for Kris. I played dnd at a shop called Mishap Games while I was in high school. Kris was one of my friends there. One of the times I ran away, she got me. I spent the night at her apartment, and she introduced me to her dad, lastweektonight, and amon amarth. When I came out to her, we traded clothes. I gave her my old boy clothes cause she liked plaid, and she gave me the clothes that were too femme for her, and it's because of her I was able to dress the way I wanted to when I came out in high school. I'll always appreciate her for that.

29. Peace of Mind- These next 4 songs are associated with my dad. This one is a positive song. I would vibe with my dad and listen to his albums when we moved out. My mom cheated on my dad while I was in high school, and I chose to stay with him. He introduced me to so much rock music. Boston was one of my favourite bands of what he showed me. I still listen to them to this day and smile and think of the time I spent with my dad. It will always make me happy knowing he chose to spend so much time with me to make sure I was taking the divorce okay.

30. Paperback writer- my dad introduced me to the Beatles too. This song struck a chord with me because I wanna write books one day lmao. I love so many more of their songs too, i had a saxophone book of their music so i can actually play a lot of Beatles on sax too!

31. Pinball wizard- Yet another good memory with my dad. He got me hooked on music from the British invasion, so the who, the stones, the animals, the kinks, so many good bands he showed me! I love the time we spent together.

32. Cats in the cradle- Heres the negative of my relationship with my dad. I feel like he never really had time for me once he met deana and before the divorce. He spent more time with me when he and my mom split up,but then he just stopped. I really hope I didnt do anything wrong. Dad, if you ever read this, I'm sorry if me resembling my mom ever hurt or anything. I'll always love you dad, please pick up and call me back dad, please? I miss talking to you, I miss my dad. I know you're busy, but please? Just 5 minutes dad, please just call me if you ever see this I miss you. I love you dad. I learned a lot from you dad. I hope I'll make you proud of me, I hope I get to see you one last time before August 14th. It might be my last chance to see you. I love you dad, I hope you're proud of me.

33. Fireflies- This is my Gillian song. She fucked me up for years. She changed me. She wanted me to be her Ashe, and Ashe wasn't me. I didnt want to be Ashe but I loved Gillian. I let her change me as a person so that I could be good enough for her, but all she ever did was block me over and over, and unblock me and insult me. I dont know why I loved her so much but I did. She just tried to change me and I didnt want to change but I did for her. There's still a part of me that struggles to remember who I was before Gillian. I hate Ashe, I hope I never become Ashe ever ever again. I really never want to struggle like that again.

34. Imitation of Life- New theme! Let's talk about periods in my life. This was the song I listened to on an up. It gave me hope surprisingly. It taught me a lot about how to approach life. If you watch the video love, it keeps focusing on different scenes going on in a clusterfuck that is life. It just looks like a normal party at first, but there's so many little stories going on as the camera focuses on different parts. This song taught me theres a lot going on I cant see, and I should approach life assuming I dont know all the details. I need to focus on different parts, and then I'll see all the little things that make life beautiful.

35. Mr. Brightside- This is another up song for me! This song really helped me learn to smile and bear it. Like, this song helped me figure out how to smile again, and that if I smile more, life gets better and better the more I smile. It was just hard sometimes. I still struggle to smile, ya know love? You made me smile again though. You really helped me love!

36. Toxic- Fuck me sideways this song. I never have been in a good relationship, and this song kinda defines that. Everyone I've been with is toxic, and I shouldn't have loved them, but I did. I just was under their control. If any of the people that hurt me read this, I forgive you. You fucked me up, but I cant hold a grudge against anyone.

37. Monster- I truly believe I am a horrible person. A monster. I have never been able to do enough for anyone. I have never been able to make everyone happy. I have never been able to help everyone. I'm a disappointment. I'm a disaster who let's down her friends. I've never done enough for people and i can never go back and fix it. I can never save everyone. I can never help everyone. I wish i could help the world, but i feel incapable of doing that.

38. Kiri- This is another cry song. I spent hours in my room after school just with this blaring and crying my eyes out. I wished someone would save me. You have saved me though, love. You saved me from myself.

39. Bad Day- Lmao this song. Every time I had a shitty day I listened to this. I listened to this song every day for at least a year straight. Every day felt like a shitty day. Every single one. I just wanted to kill myself. I'm surprised I didnt. I still dont understand how I'm alive to this day. I dont know if I'll ever know how I kept going.

40. 11 minutes- This is one of the songs I associate with being ghosted. It feels like it always happened. I would make a friend, then a week later they just left me. I felt like I would always be alone. This was my college ghosting song. I made so many friends in classes, swapped numbers, then just nothing. I never heard from any of them ever again. I really felt worthless.

41. Telephone Line- My high school ghosting song. I had so many people promise me they would stay in touch. The only people from high school that talk to me are Maria and Rachael. Everyone else just doesnt care about me. And I get it. I'm worthless. It just hurts still. One person promised we would get together next summer, then when I texted her she ignored it, and posted not even a week later how happy she was to be back with everyone from high school.

42. In love with a killer- My first of 2 link songs. It's because of him I might go to jail, but more on that below. This song I associate with the abuse from him. He held me down, and cut his name into my back. He threw me on the floor and pissed on me and made me clean it with my tongue. He beat me. He stole my phone and texted people pretending to be me and made what few friends I had hate me. I lost everyone because of him. He just beat me and belittled me. He made me use my area even though I was uncomfortable. He made me give him head on his period, this he posted on his Facebook calling me a sissy. He only referred to me as his f*gg*t or his sissy or his fairy, he never let me have friends, and he cheated on me. He told me he only married me so he could own me. I fell for him though and I dont know why. He always said if I didnt mess up he wouldnt have to hit me and it made sense. If only I was better he wouldnt hit me.

43.Designed to Kill- my second link song. I tried to leave him once before we finally ended things. He had hickies on his neck. Since I tried to escape him, he said those hickies were strangle marks. I never hurt him. Hes a fucking bodybuilder and I cant open a pickle jar. I spent a week in jail and they put me with the men because of my area. Now I'm facing felony charges even though I didnt do anything to him. I was the one being beaten. If I go to jail, I'll be going to one where the guards dont patrol. I'll be killed. I'm so scared hes going to take my life from me.

44. Because of you- This is my rape song. When I was 5 or 6 (I cant remember what age) I was molested by a high school boy named Ryan. I never understood what he did to me and I still cant unpack it emotionally. When I went to college, I was raped in my ass with a toy by a trans guy, and I was raped by a nonbinary girl. When I went to the police, they called me the rapist since a penis cant be raped, it can only rape. Someone I was with threatened to post my nudes online. This song is about all of them, and about link too. This is the song I associate with all the pain I've felt because of it, and the fear I have whenever I walk anywhere alone.

45. Call me- this is my treatment song. When I was in college, I planned to kill myself on December 15th, at 3 am, exactly 3 hours after my birthday. I planned to jump out of the window of the 5th floor of muse hall on radford campus. I told my friend mary one day and she reported me to the police. I was put under EDO and sent to a residential home. There I met some really great friends I have since lost touch with. There was a Wii with just dance there,and this was the song we did most often when we played it. That treatment place was horrible. They held me for so long, promised one on one therapy sessions every day but we never got it, and I started the worst medication. It was supposed to help me with my eating disorder by giving me an appetite. Well, I never felt full. I ate until I puked because of it. But my friends helped me, and eventually I left. I'm not sure if that place really helped me or not, but the people did. After treatment, I spent a month at Rachael's house, then a month at Maria's, then I went back to school and moved dorms. It was after I went here I was raped.

46. Bo peep- fuck this animation just made me laugh. I love creepypasta so much, and the scp foundation. Seeing my fav creepypastas made me laugh so much when I needed it. I discovered this video and song and the next one while i was with link, and this made me smile at least for a bit.

47. Bad end- the other creepypasta song. This one actually inspired a book idea! I really hope I get the chance to finish it one day, but I'm not sure if I ever will. We'll see though, right love?

48. Intergalactic- This song I just really vibed with in college. Honestly this song and the next one are grouped together. I have a hard time thinking of why i like it or what it means to me, but it does mean something to me.

49. Echo- I love this band, they wrote my all time favourite song. This is just another song I felt needed to be on my playlist but there isnt any other reason for it.

50. Drake and Josh- omg this show. I grew up loving this show! It really helped define some of my childhood and listening to this song really makes me smile a lot!

51. Take a hint- Victorious was another of those shows for me. Honestly though I included this for another reason. So, you know I'm trans. This show sorta helped me realize it when I was growing up, but I never came out or rationalized it until I talked to maria my senior year of high school. Fuck, one time growing up I was on a fashion site looking at dresses because I really loved them and thought they were super pretty and I wanted them! My brother saw and told my parents I was looking at porn. I said I was because I was embarrassed I wanted to wear a dress. I remember in kindergarten being jealous of Jaycee for wearing this really pretty purple dress. I remember growing my hair out so maybe a girl would braid my hair randomly like they did to other girls. I remember playing dress up with Samantha in kindergarten and my grandmother walking in on it and I felt so embarrassed for enjoying it. I remember wishing I could he a Disney princess. I remember taking scissors to my area and wishing if I cut it off I would be a girl instead. I remember coming out to my sister and being so afraid she would hate me for it. I felt so ashamed for how I felt. I remember being bullied when I came out. I remember being cornered in the bathroom by a group of guys and they said they would make me inti a real girl. I remember screaming and fighting until a student came in and gave me the opportunity to run. I remember going to prom and leaving in tears as people were getting dared to kiss me. I remember being driven to therapy by my friend's husband. I remember him telling me I should go back to his place cause he knows what's tr*nn**s like me like. I remember being chased to my dorm from dnd one night. I remember everyone who's ever grabbed my ass or my chest. I remember being outed to so many people by a psycho old woman and I couldnt even go pee because of her. I wish life was easier, but so many people hate me because I'm a freak.

52. Cantina- New theme! This is how nerdy I am lmao. I've always loved stuff like star wars and dnd and star trek. Honestly this song hits weird. I remember watching the original trilogy with my dad and loving it. And my best friend, colton, could play this song on clarinet. He, Andrew, and I were really close. I kinda associate this song with them. Their mom died and colton walked in on her body. They moved away and I just felt so useless to them. I could never be there for them the way they needed me, I could never help them.

53. Doctor who- I LOVE THIS SHOW SO MUCHHHHHH. OMG I GREW UP SO MUCH WITH THIS SHOW. This was my escape in high school. I learned how to play the theme on sax too! I just always resonated with this show and it means so much to me.

54. Moonquest- This is my nerdy theme still, but now with youtubers. I've loved the yogscast all through college. Watching their videos really helped me after I was raped. It helped me take my mind off of things. This song really makes me smile to this day because of what the yogs did for me.

55. Diggy diggy hole- this song did the same for me what moonquest did, but this group is just so important to me. I love their content and they really did help me a lot. I got to escape through their videos.

56. All the way- I grew up watching jacksepticeye, he helped me get through highschool. My Irish accent is because of him too, I still like to try and do an impression. I loved growing up watching his stuff.

57. I'm back, baby-markiplier, omg markiplier. This was my first youtuber. I subbed to him I think when I was in 6th or 7th grade, and I didnt miss a video until I lost internet after I moved to the apartment with my dad. I still watch nearly all of his videos. Hes an escape that I really appreciate. He really helps me every day, and I really wish I could meet him so I could tell him his videos helped save me.

58. Fly like a butterfly- Markiplier also inspired me a lot. He made me believe in myself, and his message really makes me want to be the best I can be. I want to accomplish my dreams, and his videos made me feel like he believed in me. I really hope I can keep striving to be the best I can be. If you've never seen his videos love, I hella recommend them, same to his other channel unus annus.

59. Everybody wants to rule the world- NSP. Ninja Sex Party. Lmao this band. It's a rock comedy group. This song means a lot to me. It felt really inspirational when I heard it. NSP also has a really wholesome message behind them, and I believe in myself because of them too.

60. Party of 3- another amazing song by them. After I was raped, I really escaped into their music. And when I had a rough go of it in high school, I escaped to their music. They've always been a sort of relaxation band for me.

61. Baby, NYC- I actually got to see TWRP, Starbomb. And NSP perform in silver spring Maryland. It was one of the last things my dad and I did together, the other being watch thr sword art movie together. This band just means so much to me. I could've only used one song from them and gotten the same message across, but they're so important I felt like I needed more than one. I hope that makes sense love.

62. Smash- starbomb also means a lot to me. I remember the mornings my dad drove me to school I would listen to them on the way there with him. Their music was always really funny to me too, and I love the games they parodied.

63. Rivers in the desert- time for my nerdy videogame theme! Persona 5 royal is my favourite game of all time. The story is really moving, the characters are really well written (yusuke is bae), and it was just such a great experience to play. If you ever get the chance to play it love, I highly recommend it. Fuck I cried so much while playing it, it just means so much to me it's so good, in my opinion it's the perfect game for me.

64. Fairest one of all- This song I heard from SCGMD4! It's a rhythm game, and I've always wanted to show this song to someone I love.

65. Hollywise- this song is from Super Crazy Guitar Maniac Deluxe either 2 or 3. It also means a lot to me. This game series got me into rhythm games, and I spent so many hours on Kongregate just playing games like this. Before steam, this was my gaming website.

66. Cat- minecraft. Oh minecraft. I have so many fond memories of doing a LAN party at a friend's house or just playing modded with my lil friend group in high school. It's such a relaxing game, I can just mine for hours and just chill talking to someone. I love building villages too!

67. Zelda theme- I can play this on sax too! I loved watching the game grumps play the legend of zelda games, and I've always had a soft spot for them. I just kinda grew up with this series.

68. Evil woman- This song I remember from GTA IV. That game got me through some shit too, I honestly loved the story in it and it made me feel really good going through the story. It felt so real in a way. I played through it so many times.

69. Top secret- I watched patrckstatic play Maize. It's a really funny game and it made me laugh so hard! I still think of it whenever I listen to this song.

70. Skyrim theme- I sunk so many hours into skyrim. It felt a little samish after awhile, but it was still a great game!

71. Halo theme- Halo 3 was one of my first ever games after the gamecube. Now, why did I include so many short blurbs from video games? I didnt exactly write paragraphs about these like my previous songs. Well, gaming was and still is how I connect with a lot of people. I made friends in Britain, Lousiana, Portland, New York, I still keep in touch with some people through games, gaming has just always been a social thing for me and I grew up playing video games with friends. This music helps me remember that.

72. Wolf blood- this is my dnd song. In high school, I ran dnd club. I taught so many people how to play! I also went to a store I mentioned earlier, Mishap Games, and I played all day, every Saturday, for about 3 years. I played online and I ran groups. I played in college at radford. Dnd was my escape from life, where i could pretend to be some hero or villain character. I didnt have to be eden, I could just play a game with friends. I felt really good playing with people! If you ever wanna learn how to play love, or play together or anything, definitely let me know! I'd love to share a game I'm in love with with you!

73. Finally, Jump Up, Super Star- This is my favourite song. I've always wanted to show this song to someone and tell them how much I loved them. I've always wanted to show this song to someone who's more important to me than anyone else in the world. I've always wanted to show this song to someone who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with and make them happy. I want to show this song to someone I'll always be there for. I wanted to show this song to someone I wanted to jump up with, without a care, someone I wanted to go on the odyssey of life with! My first ever post was me dancing to this song. This song means the world to me love. I really want you to know I'll always be there for you for as long as I'm alive. You mean the world to me. Come on, jump up in the air. Jump up because you know I'll be there for you. Everything will always be okay. I'm here for you. I know you're going through a rough patch love, but I'm here for you.

EDIT: 74. The Last Unicorn- This is the song from the movie the last unicorn. It's my favourite book of all time, it made me cry so hard! It's an amazing fantasy book that turns some tropes on it's head. It is a fantastic read I would 100% recommend so I dont want to spoil anything it's just amazing.

Now, why did I decide to post all of this today? Well I want you to know more about who I am, and what defines me. I hope I can get some explanations on the songs from your playlist too if you're ever up for it. I just wanted to share with you who I am. And I wanted a record of how I've felt to live on after I'm gone, if I do go away in August. Maybe you'll look back on my playlist and smile and remember me? Maybe Jump up will give you hope like it gives me. Maybe you can smile and jump up and just not have a care in the world. I really hope that songs has some meaning to you like it has for me, love.

Love always,

Eden ♥️♥️♥️♥️

[parkji-hoons]

I’M A REALLY LUCKY PERSON

KCON AUSTRALIA EXPERIENCE!! Okay I’m home and I finally have time to write this and it’s gonna be suuuuuuupppperrrrr long bc a lot of crazy shit happened to me alksjfsfdhkjsfh also sorry no gifs bc I don’t have time rn but I will later in the week I promise!!! Also if anyone has any questions about the whole thing Im gonna open up asks for a few days so just hmu (I swear though if y'all send hate I’m gonna delete it so)

Day 1

Okay admittedly day 1 was really boring for me since I didnt go to the concert that day and had no artist engagements or anything (also the convention itself was really shite like I lined up almost an hour and a half for a small ass room that I barely stayed 5mins in) also the entire thing was very disorganised and I wasted a lot of my time tbh. But then I went to meet up with some mutuals (shout out to @minhwangs @yoonjsung @jaehwn ily guys) at circular quay and it was so lucky that the moment I stepped out of the train station they were heading my way and we met up real quick. Then they told me that I literally just missed seeing WJSN and like I was ofc sad but I also didnt really stan so I didnt really mind that much. We stayed in that spot just talking when I noticed a group of girls lining up to get ice cream and boiiii these girls were literally GLOWINGGG then Debbie (@jaehwn ) noticed me looking behind her and she was like holy thats WJSN and they all literary just walked past us like the angels they are. THWY WERE LIKE NOT EVEN A METRE AWAY FROM US AND THEYRE LITERALLY SO SO BEAUTIFUL LIKE OHMYGODD THEYRE SO CUTE LGJWJHSJASJ. Also a lot smaller than I expected but GDI wowowowowow and yeah that was basically the start of my lucky streak.

Day 2

OKAY THIS IS WHEN SHIT HAPPENNNNSSSSSS. Honestly I felt so so so unlucky tbh bc my friend and I fell asleep on the train and ended up missing our stop and went to god knows where so we were late and shit but like still relatively early but yeah we got there at around 9ish and I went to go collect my benefits cuz I got p1 but yeah I got red carpet for that night, an up10tion audience, a WJSN audience and a monsta x hi touch. Honestly lowkey disappointed I didnt get any wanna one but like I was grateful for the rest anyway (plus hi I love Monsta X) but my friend got a wanna one audience and she said she would give it to me (bless her). After that we went around trying to find people who wanted to go see WJSN or up10tion bc like even tho I like those groups Im not SUPER into them so I’d rather just give them to really big fans of them you Know? I literally made two peoples day but not asking for money or a trade for them to see their bias groups and literally they were so shocked I didnt ask for anything but like i just wanted it to go to someone who actually REALLY liked the group you know since I didnt really know know them (bc like if someone got wanna one hi touch but didnt like them as much like I’d love for them to give it to me bc theyre my bias group you know?). I also went around trying to trade my MX hi touch for wanna one but it was literally impossible but I also didnt really mind bc I love MX soooooooo. After that I met with Debbie again and she also didnt get wanna one benefits and we tried for so long to swap but no one would but like ehhhhh we both were gonna see MX so. We kinda just went in to the queue for the convention after that but not even to like go see the convention but for the kcon goodie bags that we were supposed to get and holy that took so damn long lrnekabjhwjhw after that I was like checking fb if anyone was wanting a MX hi touch for wanna one and someone posted that they would trade it but also wanted some money but like max I would go would’ve been $50 so I sent an offer and PRAYED to the gods no one else would make a higher one AND THEY ANSWERED MY PRAYWRS MAN SHE AGREED WITH THE TRADE AND I JUST OHMYGOD I WAS GONNA MEET WANNA ONE I WANTED TO CRYYYYYY AND I WAS LIKE DEBBIE THAT MEANS YOU CAN GO TOO BC I STILL HAD THE WANNA ONE AUDIENCE AND WE WERE LITERALLT SO SOSOSOSOOSOSO HAPPY I WAS SO LUCKY OHMYGODDDDDDDD.

Meeting Wanna One

OKAY SO HERE’S WHERE SHIT REALLY WENT DOWN. So while Monsta X was having their m&g ofc all of the people going to the wanna one m&g were like ‘let’s line up’ and at this time it was like 1pm-ish? WE WEREN’T SUPPOSED TO BE QUEUEING UNTIL LIKE 3.45PM AND ENTRY WAS ACTUALLY AT 5PM SO I LITERALLY WAITED IN LINE FOR 5 HOURS IN 35 DEGREE DIRECT HEAT I ALMOST DIED HOLY. But I made quite a few friends in line and we got up to a ton of shit (may or mayn’t have turned one of the security guards into a wannable….his bias may or may not have been daehwi…(bonus: we gave him a banner and at the actual m&g the same security guard was standing by the door where wanna one was gonna come through and he was holding the banner akajflkjshflkj it was really cute). 

Anyways, so after 5hours we finally went into the room and holy shit I managed to get front row somehow??? rip though bc I was on the opposite side of where jihoon was but LIKE STILL FRONT FUCKING ROW?!??!?!?! HOW LUCKY AM I WTF.  So after getting inside we had to wait another 30mins until they actually you know, came but during that time they were playing the album so everyone just jammed (except for when always was playing in that case everyone sobbed while singing) but yeah after 30mins WANNA ONE CAME OUT AND JUST HOLY SHIT THEY ARE LITERALLY SO BLOODY GORGEOUS IRL AKJLDFNLKASFJGN I CANT EVEN DESCRIBE BUT I WAS AWESTRUCK I COULDNT FILM IT PROPERLY MY HANDS WERE SHAKING THE ENTIRE TIME BUT THEY ARE LITERALLY STUNNING. 

SO THEY ALL DID THEIR INTROS AND SHIT THEN IT WAS TIME FOR THE HITOUCH AND OHYMGOD I LITERALLY DIDN’T THINK MY LUCK COULD GET ANY FUCKING BETTER BUT APPARENTLY IT COULD?????? 

WHEN IT WAS MY TURN I SUDDENLY GAINED THIS WEIRD AMOUNT OF CONFIDENCE AND ACTUALLY SAID THINGS TO THME LIKE OHMYGOD. FIRST WAS GUANLIN. THIS BOI HOT DAMN IS TALL AF LIKE HOW DID YOU ONLY TURN 16 YOU ARE SO FUCKING TALL NOT TO MENTION REALLY DAMN HANDSOME LIKE BRO. I SAID HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO HIM WHEN I WAS HIGH FIVING HIM AND HE JUST SMILED AND NODDED AND NEXT WAS ONG AND I WAS LIKE HIIIIII AND HE WAS LIKE HIII~~ AND GRINNED AT ME AND JUST ONG MAN HE’S LITERALLY MODEL LIKE GORGEOUS THE DAMN VISUALS WTF. 

OKAY SO NEXT IS THE GREATEST FUCKING MOMENT OF MY LIFE AND NOTHING COULD EVER COMPARE TO THIS MOMENT. EVER. IT WAS TIME FOR ME TO MEET JIHOON (if y’all new and don’t know I have literally been screaming about holding park jihoons hand since pd101 days and my hands are literally shaking at me remembering that I HAVE HELD HIS HAND MISSION FUCKING ACCOMPLISHED I CAN DIE HAPPY). Park Jihoon. Where do I start? he is literally so so so so pretty. I almost melted and I think I stopped breathing when I looked into his eyes I’m not even lying idk how I was able to function BC HE LOOKED STRAIGHT BACK INTO MINE. BY SOME KIND OF MIRACLE I MANGED TO JUST BLURT OUT ‘I LOVE YOU!’ TO HIM AND I ENDED UP KIND OF TAKING A HOLD OF HIS HAND INSTEAD OF JUST HIGH FIVING AND JUST HE SEEMED REALLLLLY SURPRISED AND HIS MOUTH KINDA DROPPED? LIKE HE JUST SEEMED LIKE HE DIDNT EXPECT IT BUT AT THIS POINT I NEEDED TO START MOVING TO DAEHWI OR ELSE THE SEVURITY WAS GOING TO RUSH ME BUT LIKE A SECOND BEFORE MY HAND LEFT HIS JIHOON WAS LIKE ‘ I LOVE YOU~~~’ AND BOI. I. FUCKING. DIED. I COULDNT THINK STRAIGHT LIKE DID HE JUST SAY THAT? DID HE ACTUALLY. JUST TELL ME HE LOVED ME? HONESTLY I STILL DON’T BELIEVE IT HAPPEND AND IM JUST AKFGHJLKAJFHGNEJRFEBH???!?!?!?!??!?! The only thing that actually confirmed he said it was daehwis face bc he like looked at jihoon sorta shocked too like mouth dropped type thing and just ohmygod I could go on and on but I won’t bc theres still 8 members left lisfhiesfjcoiehnf.

alright so next was daehwi. STILL had his mouth opened by the time I fully got to him but he managed to smile at me and I was like ‘ HOW ARE YOU?’ bc he is my son and I need to make sure he’s doing well you know? and he was like ‘I’m good!!’ but I think I took too long bc security sort of pushed me a bit to go quicker (props bc I was still like not moving bc wtf jihoon) but yes jinyoung HIS HEAD REA;;Y IS DAMN SMALL BUT HE IS REALLY HANDSOME LIKE WOWOWOWOWOWOWOW YOU ARE SO CUTE LIKE WTF. 

At this point security actually pushed me to move on but they did it like while I was already starting to say HI to Daniel but since I was pushed it like came out louder than I expected (like a hiIIii) and Daniel was so startled he literally took a step back before just smiling at me and it was so funny bc jisung low-key laughed at him and it was really cute. 

With Jisung I was like ‘THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR EVERYTHING’ bc he needs to know he is appreciated like YOON JISUNG WE ALL LOVE AND APPRECIATE YOU BOI PLS ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT but he like did that pouty face thing that he does when he wants to show that he’s grateful/touched idk but like he squints his eyes and pouts and nodded his head at me and SQUEEZED MY HAND LIKE HOT DAMN JAKFJFMERJ. ALSO CAN I JUST SAY THATT THIS BOI IS SO MUCH MORE HANDSOME UP CLOSE LIKE HE LOOKS SO DAMN GOOD ON SHOWS AND FANCAMS AND SHIT BUT HOLY SHIT UP CLOSE IT’S LIKE X1102399014839573827569287 LIKE HE IS GORGEOUS DO NOT BELIEVE ANYONE WHO THINKS OTHERWISE OKAY!

NEXT UP WAS SUNGWOON AND HE’S NOT THAT  SHORT GUYS LIKE COME ON (side note: most of them were actually shorter than I expected but since I expected sungwoon to be like SHORT he was taller than I expected lmao) but by this time security was like HURRY TF UP so I was just like hiiiii and he just smiled at me and I did the same with jaehwan and he smiled and was like ‘HI HI’ and just akljfghlkajfhgimerhfiefm jaehwan wtf. 

up next was the bias wrecker. Park Woojin. ngl I planned on pretending to high five woojin b4 dabbing to prove I don’t swerve but before I could I was like hii!!! and he fucking grinned at me and showed off his snaggletooth and BOIIIIII HE IS SO FUCKIG CHARMING WTF. ALL THOUGHTS OF DABBING LEFT MY MIND AND I ENDED UP GRIPPING HIS HAND BC I WAS LIKE I NEED SUPPORT IM GOING TO MELT OTHERWISE BC PARK WOOJINS SMILE IS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL ( I swear I didn’t swerve….maybe for like 0.0005s). last but not least mr. hwang minhyun. HIS. VISUALS. ARE. SO. BEAUTIFUL. HE WAS DRESSED ALL CUTELY AND HE WAS SO PROPER LIKE HE WAS DASHING AND BEAUTIFUL WOWOWOOWOW WHEN I GREETED HIM HE SMILED AT ME AND BOWED AND SAID HI BACK ADN IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT. after that I kinda…..skipped off stage…I was so high man I was on cloud 9 I literally could not believe that all happened in a span of like max 2 mins and I feel like I was going to collapse but hands were still shaking so much alkjhifrbhureih. 

ANYWAYS after my mini break down, I gathered myself and went back to join the crowd and listen to their ending speech thingo (by this time I was at the back rip but still pretty close) We weren’t allowed phones while meeting them so I shoved it in my bag ad wasn’t able to video this but when they were about to do their last greeting all of the fans started singing happy birthday for guanlin and it was literally the cutest thing to watch their reactions bc they were all so shocked!! LIKE GUANLINS EYES WIDENED AND ALL OF THE OTHER MEMBERS SUDDENLY LIKE SNAPPED THEIR HEADS TO THE CROWD THEY WERE SHOOKT AND IT WAS SO CUTE BUT THEN THEY ALL STARTED CLAPPING ALONG AND SMILING REAL BIG WHILE WE ALL SANG AND WHEN IT ENDED THE MC (KEVIN FROM UKISS) WAS LIKE AWWW HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO GUANLIN WHEN IS IT? (something along those lines) and guanlin was like lol it’s today but yeah after that heartwarming scene they did their greeting and left and we all started leaving too bc most of us needed to go line up for the red carpet.

(ALSO SOMEONE GOT A PHOTO OF MY SAYING I LOVE YOU TO JIHOON AND ME MEETING DAEHWI, IF YOU WANNA SEE SEND ME AN ASK, I WONT POST IT NOW BC IDK IF PEOPLE WANNA SEE LOL)

Red Carpet

Yo lemme tell y'all the line for the p1 red carpet was sooooo fucking long like holy shit HOW WERE ALL THESE PEOPLE GONNA FIT IN THAT TINY ASS ROOM and since I lined up so late bc the queue started really early and the wanna one m&g ended late I was towards the very back and I couldn’t really see anything (sad) but yeah basically only sf9, up10tion, WJSN and Monsta X went and a lotttt of fans got mad bc wanna one didn’t go akjsfmejfhoisenfu but it wasn’t like we could do anything about it like ??!??!?!! but I get it esp if they didn’t get to attend the m&g but yeah I can’t talk about it much bc I couldn’t see much rip soz it’s pretty like simple tho? they introduce the act, the act gets on stage then stays there for a bit introduces the group then leaves and the next group comes in and etc. what kinda sucked tho was like lining up to get into the concert venue bc of everyone pushing and shit it was so damn annoying.

Concert

CONCERT TIME YO. Okay first off, THOSE OPENING ACTS LIKE SHOUT OUT TO YOU GUYS YOU WERE FUCKIGN AMAZING HOLY SHITLJAHKCFJME ALso I’m really sorry but the SF9, Up10tion and WJSN parts of this are going to be really short mostly bc I wasn’t actually that big of a fan (like I only really knew their titles songs and didn’t even know the members names I’m so sorry!!) of those groups b4 this concert so I don’t know much and can’t talk a lot about them but what I can say is IVE BEEN CONVERTED BC THEIR STAGES WERE FUCKING AMAZING!!! ALSO SHOUT OUT TO THAT DUDE FROM SF9 WHO KEPT WAVING AT ME AND THREW A HEART AT ME BEING A HYPER PERSON IN THE CROWD LIKE BOI IDK YOU BUT YOU MY BIAS. But literally they all performed soooooo damn well and just WJSN is after my heart (esp when they played secret).

The highlight performances for me though were definitely wanna one and monsta x. wanna one mostly bc like hi you my bias group also THEY ARE FUCKING GOOD AT WHAT THEY DO MAN LIKE DAEHWIS LIVE VOICE HOLY SHIT ALSO JAEHWANS VOICE LIKE WE ALL KNOW IT’S GODLIKE BUT HEARING IT LIVE LIKE WTFFFFFFFFF. I LITERALLY COULDNT EVEN RECORD ANYTHING BC MY PHONE DIED AND I WAS REALLY SAD BUT LIKE HOT DAMNNNNNNNNNN THEY WERE AMAZING. ALSO WHEN THEY WERE GETTING INTO POSITIONS FOR BURN IT UP THERE WAS LIKE A SPLIT SECOND OF SILENCE AND I SCREAMED OUT ‘PAARRRRKKKK JIIIIHOOOOONNNNN’ SO LOUD THA T THE GIRL NEXT TO ME MOVED AWAY AND JIHOON LOOJED UP I WAS SHOOK (I apologised so much to the girl and she laughed it off but still moved away rip) also I’m not even gonna talk about piñata time bc there was too much shit going on there and my friend got decent fancams so I’ll gif later but SOMEONE TELL JIHOON TO STOP SOMEONE TELL GUANLIN THE FLOOR IS DIRTY SOMEONE TELL ONG NO AND SOMEONE REMIND JISUNG THAT HE IS THE CUTEST BEAN EVER (also stop park woojins sexy dance 2k17 thanks) but minhyun waved at me during piñata time and I love him for it. We also all sang happy birthday to guanlin again and I will never ever get tired of seeing that boy all happy and smiley I hope he enjoyed his birthday with us!!!

OKAY MONSTA X THO DEFS TOOK STAGE OF THE NIGHT LIKE BOISSSS. THEY BLOODY OWNED THAT STAGE. THEIR STAGE PRESENCE IS NO FUCKING JOKE LIKE HOLY HELL EVERYONE WAS LIKR REALLLLLLYYYY INTO IT (like people were going W I L D but like for wanna one they did to but it was more of like fangirl W I L D. for monsta x it was like jamming head banging move your body W I L D it was literally amazing). THEY PERFORMED EX GIRL WHICH IS LITERALLY ONE OF MY ALL TIME FAVOURITE SONGS EVER AND JUST HOLY SHIT I WAS SOBBING WHILE SINGING IT AND WAVING SOME GOLD STREAMERS AROUND LIKE CRAZY AND KIHYUN NOTICED ME AND LAUGHED AT ME AND IT WAS SO CUTE. ALSO HOW WAS THAT GIRL WHO GOT LUCKY ENOOUGH TO BE PROPOSED TO BY MONSTA X NOT DEAD ON THE FLOOR? I WAS ON THE GROUND THE MOMENT CHANGKYUN SAID ANGEL LIKE HOLY SHIT YOU GOT SERENADED BY KIHYUN AND WONHO LEGIT WENT DOWN TO TAKE A SELFIE WITH YOU AND HUGGED YOU GIRL HOW ARE YOU ALIVE (admittedly she did like have a fan with shownus face on it and he didn’t participate in the proposals rip but still) anyways STAGES WERE FUCKING LIT ALSO WONHO YOU HOE SOMEONE STOP THAT GUY.

okay so after monsta x it was like the part where all of the groups come out again and shit and I ended up front row of the very side and wanna one came and stood there and I was legit right in front of Daniel woojin and jaehwan and the girls around me were trying to get their attention and were screaming their names and shit and I was like hmmmmm what should I do?? so I like made a heart with my arms like hands on head type heart and kinda just started stoically at woojin NOT THINKING HE WOULD NOTICE ME BUT ALKJHLCEKJNFSEJFHGBOSUIB HE FUCKING DID AND IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST AWKWARD AND FUNNIEST MOMENTS OF MY LIFE HOLYSHIT IT WAS LIKE WE MADE EYE CONTACT AND HE STARED FOR A BIT LIKE WTF AND I FALTERED AND GAVE AN AWKWARD SMILE AND HE STARTED TO LAUGH A LIL AND I DIDN’T NOTICE BUT DANIEL SAW TOO AND HE TURNED TO WOOJIN AND THEY LAUGHED TOGETHER THEN OUT OF NO WHERE STARTED DOING THIS WEIRD DANCE THEN AFTERWARDS I NOTICED JAEHWAN STARING AT ME WITH COMPLETE JUDGEMENT ON HIS FACE AJMIRENJFOEGHU THE DICK BEFORE I WAS SHOVED AWAY BY A GIRL NEXT TO ME BUT YEAH THAT HAPPENED WOOPS.

basically it was one of the most amazing days of my life I not only got to meet and high five my ult bias group and see various amazing performances by all of the artists, I also was able to make new friends and meet my mutuals here and it was just sososososo amazing Im literally so grateful for everything and everyone and I was just realllly lucky I hope everyone gets to experience this bc I’m so happy rn and I hope everyone will be this happy at least once in their lives too!!!! and just I literally not even two months ago was totally convinced id never meet jihoon and hold his hand but IT HAPPENED so anyone who tells me it won’t happen to them I call bullshit bc I was literally saying that a month ago and it fucking happened to me so it’ll happen to you guys too I’m just saying!!!

also if you read up to here you’re a legend and I love you :D

[wishhbones]

Wednesday, November 1st, 2017 -- 1:11 am

I type this as she is asleep beside me. 

I believe I met her at a swim meet during junior year of high school. I was a 15 year old boy. Hungry for attention and eager to please for it. This is our love story.

It doesn’t matter who I was around or which other girl I was attempting to flirt. I knew I wanted Valerie the most. Fuck, I think everyone knew that. The night of the swim meet we skyped for 7-8 hours into the night about Metallica and my bucket list. She has strict parents so this fact means a lot to me. I texted her everyday and like a fuckboy would say my “goodnight sweetdreams” and “good morning <3″. I wanted to get in her pants and thought I was being sly ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But the more I talked to her I realize I had finally met my match. She’s funnier than me, smart; and not to mention, stunning. I’m sure of I’ve been caught a numerous amount of times staring. Just. Staring. The best part was, she would just.. stare back. I could feel the energy oscillate between us telling me that she wanted what I wanted. 

But what do I want now.......

.

I want her to be mine. 

I can’t let any other person take away this opportunity.

But

She wasn’t ready. 

.

.

And I lost it. I wanted beg... and I probably did ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

She wanted to stay as friends. That’s not what I wanted to hear. I assumed I’d be kept on a leash and be forced to watch her kiss another man.

So I left.. And she resented me, but at the time I don’t think she understood why. Through rumours I know she called me a bitch and such. okay :/

Time passed and when I would hear her name my heart would skip a beat. An equivalent to when its about to be your turn to present your project to the class. I swear I had arrhythmia too (I actually went to see a doctor about this, anyway I want to believe but I cant prove that she is the cause. o well)

She ended up dating a teammate from my swim team. Fucking hell. Of course it’s the fastest guy on the team. Of course she doesn’t want a mediocre fuck like me. This is what she wanted the whole time I thought. I hate her.

I think there was a time here where we felt interest for each other again, but she was still with him. It wasn’t right for me to take a woman away from her man. She knew it was immoral to keep flirting with me. 

It’s time for me to move on. I hated myself for hating myself. I stopped talking to Valerie. I found a girl who went on to became my lover and prom queen. And on Prom day, guess who came crying. Not my girl lol. I did feel bad. No one deserves to cry after this much preparation and in front of this many people, but I don’t think she would have let me approach her (I asked her recently, she said I should have lol).

There’s something I want to confess. Even though my prom queen was lovely. I had Valerie on my mind. All the time. I left her for the purpose of wanting a new opportunity, and guess who I went to right away. You guessed it. Val. She had newly become single and I wanted her like always.

Valerie wasn’t ready. Again...... And again she went off with someone else.......... I should have learned the first time :c

The summer after that year, I was able to witness her on the day she left that man. I’d pay good money to see that shit, but I saw it for free instead. I made her laugh that day with my awful singing. That’s a (+1) for my ego.

I want her. I crave her. I am desperately curious to know what she tastes like.

One time she actually let me come over to catch up on life. It was around the time where she had recently let go of her best friend (and mine at the time). I truly remember this distinct moment where we walked through her kitchen and I wanted to kiss her by her fridge. I didn’t. Also when she invited me to her room and I sat on her bed. God, I wanted to grab her and kiss her passionately like in the Notebook. I didn’t.... ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

After leaving, I texted her about how I felt a connection again and that I wanted more. I think she went along the lines of, “we’ll see how life turns out ¯\_(ツ)_/¯”. Yeah, I asked her out like 3 times in a 6 month span after that. All “No”s.

But, why did she still talk to me... Does she only like the attention give to her. Thats probably it. When she’s lonely she comes to me for attention, gets high from it until she finds someone else. (This is actually what I assumed at the time).

Well, during May 2016, we clicked again. It felt real. She even said over the phone that she missed being friends with me. (idk how to insert a crying emoji here. i dont use a macintosh). We were due for a Blink 182 concert in a few months, except I had to buy my ticket separately from her and her friends. I was pumped, were finally taking off.

Well, hold your fucking horses because I was supposed to see her one weekend back from Ottawa and she stopped me. In fact, she didn’t want to continue what we had going on because she wanted to work on herself. She said she couldn’t produce her own happiness and I while I do agree that this is a very valid reason, I was fucking disappointed again.

A month goes by and I send her a regretful essay over text pouring my heart out and saying something along the lines of, “dont even msg me on my birthday, youre gonna ruin it :’(”

Another month goes by and I learn that she invited my best friend, Jeremy to go to the Blink 182 concert. She had an extra ticket. Another month goes by and I learn that she has a new boyfriend..................... 

just fucking kill me now.

It is September 2016, I fall into a deep depression. Stay high in my room. Skip class and eventually drop out of school like a fucking miscarriage. December rolls in and I find myself at home. A disappointed family surrounds me at the Christmas lit dinner table. Everyone is quiet and afraid to ask me how things are going. No one asked me actually.

My aunt gave me a self help book as my Christmas gift and I learned a very simple and great lesson. “Awareness is the first step towards Change”

I wanted to get better. I wanted to change from what I had become.

I applied to work at the pool.... which happened to be the same pool Valerie would supervise at... I carefully picked hours when she was not there. I dreaded that I would see her... but I was also sad that I didn’t see her. Strange. Anyway, I needed to reset my work ethic and picked all early bird shifts Monday to Friday. I invested over a thousand dollars into recording equipment to jump start my life as a musician. I rehearsed songs to play at open mic events. I flirted with girls again. I got back in shape doing cross fit. Soon after that, I got my first step into a job related to my field of study. I began working for Hibar Systems, an engineering firm dedicated to building high quality pneumatic pumps and assembly lines, as a Jr. Project Manager.

My life began to pick up again. Things were going great and I felt like I was finally moving on from Valerie....

One day, I decided to text her over Instagram probably about how dumb she looked in her profile pic. Apparently, it was great timing. I soon learned that she had gone through a life changing event just recently and wanted to break up with her boyfriend. I tried hard to act as a neutral body and give support.

On July 16th, Jeremy had tickets to go see Metallica. This was my first ever show and was ready to shit my pants. He had extra tickets though. So who did I hit up? ... Valerie.

And she said “yes” !

That night she told me that she only listened to Metallica because of me.. and that she thought at some point in the night that she was in love with me. Ain’t no drug can me higher than that. We had some great closure that evening. I learned that she was afraid to date me in case of the consequence that our breakup would mean the end of seeing me. That at least when were not together, I come around periodically (when im not ghosting on her) and thats better than never seeing me again.

A few days later on the 18th, I drove her back to her apartment from a get together with her friends. 

That night she broke up with her boyfriend. 

That night I kissed her. 

That night she told me, “Thanks for never giving up on me.”

It has been 6 years since I first met her. Now, I type this on her laptop as she is asleep beside me. I love her.

-Kevin ‘Konkon’ Chung

[themicahjea]

My 2 0 1 9

I started my year as a freshman student in college, figuring things out and is really confused as to what i was doing and what direction am i heading. I wasn’t doing well in my studies since i had a “transfer shock” and literally only had 2 weeks of “summer break”. By the second semester, i was physically and mentally tired—this also means that my emotional status is not as strong as it was the previous years. The first day of the first month of year, i remember writing a note somewhere and wrote my feelings out. I was really sad. My mental health was affected by the things happening around me — obviously, i wasn’t doing well at the beginning of this year.

February came. I just had my midterms exam when my sister broke the news that my dog died. My sweetest little boy, Gift, just turned 1 and he died. I felt worse. I felt like i failed as a fur momma. I felt like i failed him. I cried so many nights, and it didn’t help that my roommates keep on reminding me about his death as if it was nothing to me. March. The last hurrah of the semester. My friends and I were planning about our Siquijor trip, took the finals — which i THOUGHT i did good. I finished my NSTP and said goodbye to my tut-tees. They are so precious, i could hug them — then went on to the trip. I went cliff jumping, lots of swimming, attended a sponge cola concert which surprised me because the lead vocalist of the band recognized me. That night, my friends went drinking. I drank a little but i poured more softdrinks than the actual gin. THAT was when my “friends” babbled and said “the gin doesn’t taste good anymore because we’re out of softdrinks”. It was a heckin small problem but they made it seem really big. — that’s when i knew that that “friendship” is not gonna last. I was right. I didn’t hang on to them anyways so it didn’t really hurt. Lol. April and May, it was summer break! Finally! I spent most of my time at home, soaking everything up before school starts again. Last April, i attended our church’s annual youth camp. It was a three-day-camp where you just learn about certain people in the Bible and their way of living and how God sustained them. It was also a team building camp and let me tell you, THIS CAMP HELPED ME. A LOT.  — aside from the camp, we went on different short trips, here and there. Also, the whole summer break was filled with me getting some rest and watching the whole Avengers movies, from ‘The First Avenger’ down to ‘Infinity War’. I basically became a fan. It was the 12th of May when my friend, Shayne asked me if i could watch Avengers Endgame with her since she wants to watch it again. I said yes. I knew how it would end since I’ve seen some scenes on twitter and my sister’s friend spoiled the heck out of me — BUT THAT DID NOT STOP ME FROM CRYING! It was so embarrassing to get out of the theater with VERY swollen eyes. It was probably the most heartbreaking film i watched this year.  June, school started, again. SOPHOMORE YEAAAAAR! I kinda know what my classmates are , where they’re from and what they’re attitudes are. I was MORE cautious this time. I only spend time with Ross, Angela and Charlene. In fact, i went to Bohol with Ross and Angela!  July. Right before my birthday, my family and churchmates went on a trip in Palawan. Enjoyed every bit of it. My birthday came and it was all fun, until it took a turn on the 17th. I got robbed. Lol, i knew that man was up to no good. My body told me that. My intuition told me not to trust him but oop, i dont know why i still gave him my money... idk. Two days later, i went to the police station to file a report and it turns out, there’s another man who’s looking for the SAME man. He was robbed by the same man as well. This was when i realized what God meant when He said that the love for money is not good and is a sin. I realized what a man can do to be able to get your money. August, i went to Bohol for a weekend! It was one of the most spontaneous trips I’ve ever taken. I went to Bohol to watch a movie. Yes. I went there to watch ‘The Art of Racing in the Rain’. I pranked a few of my close friends that i was pregnant which was surprisingly a success. They really thought i was. Lol. It was also “Hibalag”! Took the midterm exams and then celebrated the festival. All i did was stay in the booth for certain period of times. Bought some stickers. I went home for a little bit to meet the newest member of the fam, little Miss Potts. We bonded and watched a little bit of Avengers endgame. September went by so fast, i cant even remember what happened. Basically, i went back to Dumaguete. Then i received another news from my family that Miss Potts escaped the gate and is missing. I did my very best to look for her so does my family but nobody turned her in. I couldn’t  believe i lost 2 dogs this year and it’s heart breaking. — but right after Potts was gone, we have been blessed with another pup. My mom’s friend made us adopt him since she has tons of dogs already and she doesn’t have enough space. We, well i, was supposed to name him ‘Stark’ to keep the “one-syllable-name-for-the-pets” rule. But when i saw him, i knew Stark wasn’t his name. When my aunt called him ‘Happy’ since he made the whole house happy again, since Pott’s gone, it clicked. It wasn’t a one syllable name but Happy suits him. Happy’s also the name of Tony Stark’s head of security, anyways so...  Also, I guess i was so drowned with all the school works i had to do that time. I. Was. LOADED! I even attended a climate strike!. But thank you Lord, i was STILL able to nap in between lunch breaks and classes. My sister and my cousin also visited me in the campus and stayed for 3 days! We went on a lot of food trips, we can’t even take it anymore! October means semestral break— but there’s always rain before the rainbow comes, right? Thankfully for my minor subjects, all we had to do were requirements like making a video, recording songs as well as plays. I was the lucky one who was picked as the Basilio of the group. Being the Basilio means i have TONS OF LINES, but the Lord sustained me. I was able to master my lines and delivered them without any mistakes on stage.i also made new friends. Looools. After the finals, i went home to my family. I went home to a news which would be my fall for the next few months. I received a news that involves my parents. Im not gonna elaborate but because of these information, i had several mental breakdowns and at one point, the one thing i don’t want to happen, happened. I melted down in front of my sister. Personally, i don’t want her to see me cry. I don’t want her to see me at my weakest point. This month started t all. Started all my emotional breakdowns and my anxiety is back from its grave. I really thought I’d  already heal because i also went to my father’s home town to just have an emotional closure with the place. I visited some of the places i used to play in and visited my elementary school and the friends i used to play with. I really thought I’d be fine, but no. I was so so so stressed that the whole 2 weeks of my break, i was just lying down, wasn’t able to do a thing. I cant even eat. I got the flu. I was SO weak and couldn’t move. November. I went home for a little bit because of intramural break and went home again for The Jesus Reigns celebration because my sister performed on stage for the second year!!! Im so proud!  December. I was home early. I went home on the 13th so i could attend my sister’s birthday party. Outside the house, it’s full of fun. Went out a bunch of times with my churchmates, bonded with them, we attended our church’s annual thanksgiving which i enjoyed, my sister and i was able to hang out in achi joanne’s house a lot more late. I went swimming with my friends, everything is actually fine outside. But then when im inside the house, it feels like im suffocating. I cant move well. I cant feel well. I honestly dont know how and what to feel right now. On Christmas day, i ate processed/packed chocolate chip cookies for Noche Buena instead of tita mom’s lumpia and then i cried. I didn’t even get a family photo for this year’s holiday season. I really really dont know. I feel numb and unable. I long for the connection with God which i know i have to work on. I’m so down and depression is eating me ones more. Little by little. Right now, i feel like I’m  fat Thor Odinson. Depressed and feels like he failed with his mission in killing Thanos... I’m in a battle of my inner Thanos right now. I’m not losing but he isn’t either. But i know, I’m going to win this Battle because it is not I that’s handling it. It is God. I know He’s got my back and I’ll win because a child of Gos is NEVER a loser. I’m gonna win this fight, and just like what Cap said,  Whatever it takes. I’ll do whatever it takes to win this fight. To win this Battle. This situation that I’m in right now should not really affect me in any way because i know that God’s with me and He’s going to fight for me. My life is “Father-filtered” which means whatever I’m going through right now, God has allowed it to happen. WHY? Because He is preparing me for my future battles. He wants me to gain more strength to carry on.  I know that all these BREAKDOWNS of mine will become BREAKTHROUGHS. I know it and i believe in it. I trust in the Lord. 2020, Get ready for a stronger Micah. She’s not gonna give up on whatever you throw on her because her God is bigger than those problems. 

 Happy New Year Everyone!

God Bless You All! 

[h1de-s0urce]

do all the unusual asks! B)

Oh my goodness, you’re giving me a lot of work hahaha!

Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? Spotify

is your room messy or clean? Right now it’s a bit messy, but I like having a clean home 

what color are your eyes? Green

do you like your name? why? Nope. I just feel like it don’t suit me

what is your relationship status? I’m in a committed relationship, and we live together

describe your personality in 3 words or less. Caring, slick, immature

what color hair do you have? Ashy blonde

what kind of car do you drive? color? Don’t have a car. Don’t know how to drive either. 

where do you shop? For what?

how would you describe your style? Fluctuating and changing depending on my mood

favorite social media account. I use most time on tumblr, and instagram

what size bed do you have? My bf and I share a,, uhh, I think a Queen size? It’s approx 200cm x 150cm

any siblings? YES! I have a younger brother. On my dad’s side I got three half siblings and a stepsister, and on my mums side I got two step-sisters

if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? I would stay right here. Although I love travelling and would love to explore several countries

favorite snapchat filter? hOW CAN i CHOOSE?

favorite makeup brand(s) I love NYX, Kat Von D & Urban Decay

how many times a week do you shower? As many as I have to. Minimum every other day

favorite tv show? Right now it’s Lucifer, on Fox. But I also love American Horror Story, and Supernatural still have a special place in my heart even tho I quit at season 9 I think 

shoe size? I’m a EUR 38-39. It’s like a UK size 6 I think?

how tall are you? I am 167 cm tall  / 5 feet 5¾

sandals or sneakers? Sneakers. Sandals are a pain to wear

do you go to the gym? Nah, I do Taekwon-Do twice a week. 

describe your dream date A picnic, at nighttime, just watching the stars

how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? I just have my cards really

what color socks are you wearing? White

how many pillows do you sleep with? 1

do you have a job? what do you do? I am a full-time student, but I am looking for a part-time job 

how many friends do you have? I can count my closest friends on 1 hand

whats the worst thing you have ever done? When I was 8 I broke windows at an abandoned  storage house nearby. I thought it was alright because most of the windows were already broken

whats your favorite candle scent? Juniper tree

3 favorite boy names I really have to think, beacuse I love names! But I think I love Loke, Sirius, and Abel the most

3 favorite girl names The same goes with Iris, Aurora, Luna. I literally have a long list of names I love

favorite actor?  Johnny Depp

favorite actress? Sarah Paulson

who is your celebrity crush? Ryan Reynolds

favorite movie? I can’t count how many times I’ve seen Tangled

do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? I read when I have the time. It’s either nothing for 6 months or 10 books in a day, there’s no in between. My fave is The fault in our stars, I cried like a baby

money or brains? brains

do you have a nickname? what is it? nah. My name’s too short for a nickname. 

how many times have you been to the hospital? been visiting family a couple of times

top 10 favorite songs It all depends on my mood tho, I cant choose just 10!??

do you take any medications daily? I take birth-control pills hahah

what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) I honestly don’t know. Its a combo I think

what is your biggest fear? I have a phobia for clowns. tried to watch the new IT movie to try to defeat my phobia. really clever..

how many kids do you want? I’d like two, although I have a fear of giving birth so idk???

whats your go to hair style? A messy bun , my hear is sooo long it’s in my way all the time

what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) Live in an apartment in an apartment building

who is your role model? I look up to several people

what was the last compliment you received? “You’re too kind to me”

what was the last text you sent? “That’s okay, I’ll take the time xxx”

how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? hE’S NOT REAL????

what is your dream car? ‘67 Chevy Impala

opinion on smoking? Looks cool on old pictures, smells like shit

do you go to college? Yeah, I go to Uni

what is your dream job? Translator. Or actress, but we all know that’s not gonna happen 

would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? suburbs

do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? Just the ones I need

do you have freckles? Yeah, but they don’t show very well

do you smile for pictures? If i have to, I don’t like cameras, I think everyone turn on their fake side once they see them

how many pictures do you have on your phone? too many memes

have you ever peed in the woods? once

do you still watch cartoons? Heck yeah!

do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? Never had wendy’s so I have to go for McDonald’s even tho I hate them

Favorite dipping sauce? dipping for what food tho?

what do you wear to bed? Depends on how hot/cold it is. Sometimes PJs, sometimes butt naked

have you ever won a spelling bee? We don’t do that kinda thing where I live

what are your hobbies? Bingewatching tv-series and staring into the wall as I realize I’ve got an existential crisis and have no idea what I’m doing with my life

can you draw? I’ve heard I’m good at it. Think I am decent enough

do you play an instrument? Know some chords at guitar and ukulele

what was the last concert you saw? Went to the Pstereo festival in Trondheim, and I’m going to Gorillaz in November, that’s gonna be sweet as heck

tea or coffee? Tea! Coffee is the devil’s work

Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? We don’t have dunkin donuts where I am from so I have to go with ‘bucks

do you want to get married? Yes!

what is your crush’s first and last initial? V.R.

are you going to change your last name when you get married? I want us to have both our names if you get what I mean. So he’ll have mine in addition to his own and vice versa 

what color looks best on you? Green and purple

do you miss anyone right now? Nah, I’m good

do you sleep with your door open or closed? It has to be closed or I’ll freak out

do you believe in ghosts? I believe there’s a lot in this world we don’t understand and can’t explain. I believe in energy, not ghosts per se 

what is your biggest pet peeve? I hate it when people are cracking joints 

last person you called I called Doctors Without Borders

favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate

regular oreos or golden oreos? regular

chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? chocolate

what shirt are you wearing? a gray one

what is your phone background? It’s a disney themed one

are you outgoing or shy? shy. I try to be more outgoing tho

do you like it when people play with your hair? Depends who

do you like your neighbors? They’re alright I guess

do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? I do it at night after I brush my teeth

have you ever been high? I was on the top of a mountain once hahah

have you ever been drunk? three times

last thing you ate? A sandwich

favorite lyrics right now Oh no do I have to think?

summer or winter? Winter, because chRISTMAS

day or night? I’m a night owl

dark, milk, or white chocolate? yes to all please

favorite month? DECEMBER

what is your zodiac sign Aries

who was the last person you cried in front of? My bf

@tricksterfrog you’re welcome!