#we’re not supposed to be working overtime because apparently they’re not making enough money (they are) so i was planning

[andwewerehappy]

i have so much work anxiety this is insane. i hate this job what does it even MATTER

[mylifeasaserver]

Bitch you thought

Yesterday I had quite the surprise as apparently my rate of pay changes in two weeks, and not in the way we all hope - with  more money.

No, for some otherworldly reason my pay was slated to go down.

As one might imagine, I had issue with this.

Given that it was Sunday I decided to just talk to my manager about it today when I went in and it would get cleared up quick enough and I could get back to doing whatever the hell it is I do here.

I talked to the manager and she said she’d look into it for me. Fair enough.

Come to find out, our regional manager decided to cut my pay “to incentivize me to finish my certification training.” My manager relayed this to me, and since this job market is perfect for telling shitty employers to get fucked, I was thoroughly incentivized to get a new job and give notice at this one - for one day before the pay cut. **Author’s note: I suppose I should specify that I did not give a bunch of attitude to my manager, it’s her boss’ dipshit decision I had a problem with. I simply stated when my last day was and went back to my tasks.**

My manager immediately calls the regional. They need me, since I actually do shit like I’m supposed to without a fight. There’s no overtime right now (it will affect manager bonuses, so they’re especially militant about it) and virtually everybody in the pharmacy is at 40 hours already. They can’t afford for me to leave, it’s so busy again that fewer people could impact those shithead surveys.

The regional calls and wants to talk to me. Because I’m dumb as hell, I pick up the phone.

Regional: I adjusted your pay to motivate you to finish your certification training! We’ll restore you to your current pay once that’s done! How does that sound?

Me: Well, it sounds like I was right to give my notice.

Regional: Why would you quit? We’re putting your pay back once you’ve completed the training.

Me: I’m quitting to motivate you to hire somebody who is willing to put up with your bullshit.

Regional: You need to watch how you talk to me.

Me: I’m on my notice, remember? If you would prefer I can just leave now.

Regional: I would not prefer that. Don’t you care about the patients?

Me: Not nearly enough to be paid less to do the same job. I went 3 months without being able to do any training because we were so flooded with patients, so by your logic I should have insisted on the training instead of worrying about them anyway.

Regional: That’s not what I’m saying. 

Me: Too bad that’s what I’m hearing. My last day is the day before the pay cut. My decision is final.

And then I hung up. What will she do? Fire me? OH NO! You can’t drive down the street without seeing HELP WANTED signs everywhere. Pretty sure I could replace this place in a few days, and even get another pharmacy job somewhere else SINCE I NOW HAVE FUCKING EXPERIENCE.

She called back and I declined to talk to her again, stating that I’d leave first. I figure if she fires me I have a few days off. She talks to my manager.

The manager, after getting off that call, says the regional thinks I’m very volatile and make rash decisions. Apparently the regional is capable of learning from her experiences, even if they’re stupid.

Later in the day my manager gets an email saying the pay cut is delayed so long as I finish the training before my 1 year mark. I’m promised it’ll be finished before then.

Alrighty.

I know this has set me up for hardship in the future with getting raises and whatnot, but it’s my understanding this company is shit for raises anyway. Once I complete their training I can turn around and get certified and see what other pharmacy tech jobs there are in my area.

Don’t know why she thought I’d give a single lonely fuck about patients - I’m there for money. I think her pay should be cut every time she makes a stupid decision, but making somebody work for no money is called something else. It’s called multi-level marketing. -J

[thessalian]

Thess vs Sources of Stress

Two posts tonight. The first one will be the personal one and after that, we talk about voice actors.

So first, the personal stuff. Meeting with Scruffman’s manager today and dear gods. I mean, she’s nice and everything, she really is. Her issue is that she counts on things turning out exactly like you want them to way too much. See, because IT is not prioritising getting people set up to work from home because they’re too busy getting our new remote desktop system to work worth a shit (and don’t worry, it’s happening, because everyone from the top down wants it to happen so that people can concentrate on work better and have an easier time doing overtime if required), we’ve been looking at other options. Because I made it very clear that I am struggling. I mean, my commute is unreasonable at the best of times. Thames Water has made damn sure that these are not the best of times, since every route I could take has the fucking water company tearing it up, either to replace pipe or to fix the fuck-up they made when they were replacing pipe the last time. Means a lot more walking than I can deal with. Add to that the fact that the weather’s going to start getting unfortunate, which is going to cause flare-ups, and stress about where the world in general and my country of residence in specific is going just now is going to cause more ... well, put that all together and you can imagine how I’m struggling.

Now, see, I did apply for something called Access to Work, which is a benefit-related thing whereby they will basically get you a cab or an Uber to get to work if you can’t manage the commute. When I applied a couple of weeks ago, the “Application Accepted” page I got redirected to said that I should hear something back in about three weeks. That was two weeks ago, so I should hear soon, one way or another. The problem is that while the manager is going, “You shouldn’t have any problems getting it; I’m sure it’ll be fine” ... I AM NOT SO SURE. Why am I not so sure? Because benefits in this country have been going downhill in a very significant way for years. Same for social care. And both have been hobbled still further by the pandemic, and for all the original insistence was “We’re raising your National Insurance contribution to help pay for social care!”, two things: 1) that money is mostly going to the NHS to try to fix the absolute mess that’s in right now; and 2) there’s no actual plan for how to spend that money effectively in the interests of actually helping people. Apparently a lot of it is going to go to hiring more executives for the NHS, and as someone who has worked in the NHS, that is very much not what the NHS needs, but is typical for how the NHS is treated - like just another cash cow for The Right Sort. Something like fifteen years ago was when the worst of it hit, and I was there for that - when we were told that a bunch of executives were setting targets that it was impossible for us to meet with the resources we were given, all in the interests of keeping those executives in cushy executive roles trying to beat more work out of us. And that government was not as bad as this one.

Summary: I know how little the government wants to give money to people who need it. I see it every day. So while Manager Lady is convinced that it’s all going to be fine and I’ll get rides to work, I’m really not convinced. I have a feeling that “I have intense pain when I do this” is not going to be enough when people are refused benefits while undergoing chemotherapy or have Parkinson’s disease.

So work stress is still a happening thing (though we’re finally making a visible dent in the backlog; yay, us - though I have to say, Temp turning up still coughing all damn week did not fill me with confidence; aren’t you supposed to stay self-isolating until you entirely stop experiencing symptoms? But no one’s saying a damn word). But of course there’s all the other stresses. In the next few weeks, National Insurance contributions go up, electricity prices go up, gas prices go up, we’re apparently having petrol shortages and while I don’t drive I do have to wonder about the buses in that case, and apparently we’re looking at a double price rise in everything else - one in the next few weeks, another after Christmas on top of the first one. Oh, and apparently one cost-saving measure the government wants to shove onto the NHS is for them not to cut down on the medicines they prescribe. Yeah, apparently “We have a problem with overprescribing where the elderly are on five different medications, some of them to deal with the side effects of others, and we should be recommending fresh air, exercise and holistic treatments!” I swear this government just wants to kill the young, the old, and the less-than-wealthy. I mean, they might for all I know - Johnson says the solution to all this is “get people into high-paid, high-skill jobs” ... but we’d have the same problem at that point - the so-called ‘low-skill jobs’? SOMEONE STILL NEEDS TO DO THEM. We found that out during the pandemic. We’re finding it out some more now that a lot of people went home to Europe because the UK didn’t want them and those jobs aren’t being done. Anyway, you can’t get people into ‘high-skill jobs’ when you keep upping university tuition and offer no government assistance in decent training schemes.

Basically I’m stressed, exhausted, in so much pain and fed up with just about everything. I hope everyone else is doing better than I am.

[smolbeandrabbles]

“Nolan, Baby” - Nolan Sorrento x Reader (Ready Player One)

🎅 Holiday Fic #4 🎅 (Santa Baby... But not!)

GIF CREDIT: X Author’s Note: Because I’m a glutton for punishment and Nolan refuses to write for me, I wondered if he might like to join in the Holiday fic parade. He accepted. Then I had to find the song, and I had a good one and then threw it out... because this scenario is just... too good to pass up. Ah! Finally some more traditional Christmas hits! (If you’re wondering where the extra pieces came from... Micheal Bublé. ‘Thank’ him!)

If the Boi has money, I will use it as a plot point.

Disclaimer: Ready Player One characters not mine / lyrics not mine

Premise: After confusing the hell out of him with your Christmas list, Nolan decides two can play at that game...

Words: 1990

Warnings: Quite a lot of poking fun of ‘fad’ diets  

_______ Been an awful good girl Santa baby, hurry down the chimney tonight Santa baby, a '54 convertible too convertible too, light blue I'll wait up for you, dear Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight Think of all the fun I've missed Think of all the fellas that I haven't kissed Next year I could be also good If you'll check off my Christmas list Santa baby, I want a yacht and really that's not a lot Been an angel all year Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight Santa honey one thing I really do need, the deed To a platinum mine Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with a duplex and checks Sign your 'x' on the line Santa cutie, and hurry down the chimney tonight I really do believe in you Let's see if you believe in me ---

The sheet of paper had been on his desk for the past week. When he had asked you what you wanted for Christmas, as his partner, (although he’d had some ideas of his own) he was a little more surprised that you’d managed to produce a whole list in little to no time at all. He’d had to think very carefully about his own. Because what could you buy one of the most powerful men in the world? That stream of money was endless. And Nolan knew that material had long since stopped mattering to him. What can you buy someone who has everything? So, in the end he’d given you a super short list of one thing, knowing that you would do what you always did and get gifts that spoke to his heart. You were exceedingly good at that.

 He was getting better at doing the same for you, but he still wanted to get you something you really wanted. And money was obviously not the issue here. Only. What you were asking for was an innumerable list, from which Nolan didn’t know where to start. Some things were possibly easier than others, and he’d already managed to come by. In fact, he’d already given you one of them - but you were apparently surprised that he would go out of his way to surprise you with Tiffany decorations for the tree this year, that he thought you might well have forgotten how long and ridiculous this list actually was.

 But he didn’t have long left to think about this, so he had blocked out some time in his calendar today to go through it again and break into it a little more. Nolan collected it from his desk and brought it closer to his eyes as he sat back in his chair. Nolan, Baby, 💙 Slip a sable under the tree for me A '54 convertible too convertible too, light blue I want a yacht and really that's not a lot The deed to a platinum mine A duplex Checks Decorations bought at Tiffany A ring – and I don’t mean on the phone… Rolex Game day tickets – For kicks 😉 A Mercedes…

That was only the beginning but it was enough to already have his head spinning. He’d ticked off a few things that had been a little easier to find, or that he could turn into little thought of surprises. But some of these requests were just bizarre; “Okay I know I have a lot of money but how the hell am I supposed to source this stuff!? A deed to a platinum mine....Geez—!!” He ran a hand through his hair and breathed out. Well he might be able to do it with company money, but it was unlikely the board was going to let him do it..!

 Nolan placed it down again, alright there was only one thing to do - ask if these things were quite beyond his capabilities on purpose, or this was actually what you really, really wanted. You, after all, would know. And then Nolan could really focus his efforts best. He pushed it to one side - he’d get it over with tonight. Hopefully he could avoid you looking unimpressed while he was at it.

 ***

 You hadn’t been home so long yourself when he walked through the door, but you ran through to greet him just the same. “Nolan!” You didn’t even allow him respite to shrug himself out of his coat before you started peppering his face with kisses. He laughed; “Okay... okay... Y/N... alright...” His voice was soft and gentle, and you knew that meant it’d been a long day. When isn’t it a long day for the CEO of IOI... You stepped back and allowed him to undress; “Honestly, this weather is awful isn’t it?” He ran his hands back through his hair; “And this dark... ugh.” He checked himself in the mirror before turning back to you, “How was your day, darling?” “Fine. We’re on the Christmas wind down... There’s a few projects to be done but, there’s not a lot so important that we’re going to need to spend overtime on them...” “No. They are not going to have to spend overtime on. I know what you’re doing.” Sorrento gathered you in his arms to afford you just as many kisses as you had him.

“Well, they work for me...” you gave a shrug. “I feel like they deserve the break. I’m the CEO for a reason.” Not of a rival company, you were CEO for a little internet security firm. IOI was currently a little out of your range to start bidding RFIs and RFPs on but... eventually you’d quite like to have them as a client. “Mmm...” Small enough a company to have the entire week of Christmas off - that was one perk you hoped you’d always be able to keep. You just wanted things done by then. “So how long have you been home?” You turned to the clock, “Uhhhhh... 30 minutes, maybe.” He sighed “This is no good! You’re as bad as me!” “Uh-! You have a contest to win!” “That’s hardly the point.” You repeated him; “This is a war, for control of the future!” “Ah, did I say that-!? I don’t remember!” Nolan let you go, laughing and wandered upstairs “Of course you did... I think you got this-!” “Well I better have, considering the money I poured into it!” There is that!

 You wandered back into the kitchen, to wait for him, but it didn’t take long for Nolan to change. “Still on this pre-Christmas fad diet?”’ “It is not a fad diet!” “It’s such a fad diet! I starve every time I look at your plate!” He pushed your arm as he opened the cupboards, “It’s not! I got this and my exercise... it’s going great.” “Oh!” You smirked, “I didn’t think that’s what Kegel was for.” Sorrento turned to you with slightly narrowed eyes “...You should be so lucky that I might use it for that in the first place.” “Oh my god-! You-!” It was your turn to playfully push him “Ah, now I clearly must abstain! Sit!” “Oh... fad diet evening meal-! Fantastic!” You did as he asked, sliding into your chair and trying not to let your tone show obvious distain. That was hard. “You can eat whatever you like.” “No, no- allow me to suffer with you!” He tutted; “Such a martyr!”

 Nolan sat and you tried not to look like you were about to complain “Don’t you get bored?!” “No.” “I would.” Although his Italian heritage was helping on the variation somewhat. “I know you would. Ah!” He patted down his pockets until he found the paper, pulling it out and holding it up, “As we were talking about things I’m pouring money into... honestly. What is with this list!?” “Oh, now you’re complaining!” You smiled, and leant on your hands “No, I just... I know I might be made of money but-!” He unfolded it... “Like, how do you expect me to get hold of a car from nearly 100 years ago-! I just I-!” He stopped as you began laughing, and kept laughing until there were almost tears. Nolan raised an eyebrow; “What?” “Oh-! My God! Are you taking it literally!?” “What?” “Nolan! Oh! Honey!!” You kept laughing, “It’s a joke! Babe! They are song lyrics!” He looked nothing short of bemused “They’re what?!” “The lyrics! To Santa Baby...!” Sorrento looked to the paper again, and his whole face lit up in embarrassment, which only served to make you giggle more. “I-! I knew that-!” He cleared his throat, “I-I was just... testing you!” He folded it back up; “It’s not like I actually got you anything on it... or anything...” sounding a little more dejected than embarrassed, Nolan covered his face with his hands. “Oh honey! I’m sorry! I thought you knew!” He shook his head; “Oh my god... I can’t believe...” “Thought you might be trying to figure out clues on a daily basis...” “Oh...” he put his hands down, tone now slightly more amused, slowly shaking his head; “I pay people for that.” “Oh... well, honey... I thought it would be fun. Oh! I’m so sorry! Wait-! Nolan!” You placed your hands over your mouth as is suddenly clicked; “Is that was the Tiffany decorations were for!?” It was your turn to burry your face in your hands. “Mm hmm!” And the seriousness on his face made you feel even more guilty “Oh sweetie! You didn’t go overboard!?” “Guess it’s good I didn’t now, isn’t it!” “I thought by the time it got to yacht and platinum mine you’d think it was a little stupid and throw it away!” “Clearly, I took it too literally...” He sighed, and got up. You knew he was heading straight for the wine. “That’ll ruin the diet for sure!” “Oh! No!” He laughed “I freaking need this!” He poured a glass, and one for you too; “Well, then what do you want-!?” You smiled sweetly, pulling him by his tie to kiss his cheek in both apology and as a thank you; “Use your intuition babe! You know me!” “I know but I...” “Honey. Spending the day with you is going to be the best present I get. And we both know that you can’t wrap that and put it under the tree.” “I dunno!” Nolan laughed; “I could sure try!”

 ***

 Christmas Day rolled around as quietly as you had first anticipated. But you laughed every time you opened something related to the lyrics. And once he’d got the gist that they were lyrics, he’d bought you little joke things instead, like a model yacht. And a printed “deed certificate” that had you in stitches, appealing to your humour.  It was nice to relax with him like this, everything in the house still and calm, glass of wine, his hands continuously caressing you... his attention was all yours. There was no technology in sight... You realised that Nolan was really buying you the most precious thing he had – his time. “Well... I hope I made your Christmas shopping stress free after the big reveal...”  you ran your hands through his hair, knees up on his lap, as you sat together. He tipped his head; “Not... exactly. But, yeah I mean I guess I’m glad you did. Once I understood things got a little easier...” Sorrento nuzzled his face against yours gently, and you giggled. “Okay, if I assisted in some way I think that makes me feel better..!” “Ah!” He gave a little shrug, “It was an elaborate ruse, I must congratulate you on your effort!” “I’ll take it!” He nodded, good, and you sat there for a few more moments in content silence. You took another sip of wine. And then he started rummaging around, as Nolan often did when he thought he’d forgotten something.

“Ah-! Forgot to mention one little thing...” he turned back to you, and taking your free hand in his, he slipped of the sofa and onto one knee; “a ring.” You almost spat wine everywhere. Had he just used your little joke against you-!? Was he proposing!? Nolan opened the little box delicately, and then it was a race to put your glass down and cover your mouth again in surprise; “N-Nolan!!!” “Y/N. Will you marry me?” Your voice wavered between a phenomenal high and the fact that you might actually be about to cry; “Good lord, did you just use Santa Baby against me-!?” He gave a gentle shrug, and his smile was a little crooked like he couldn’t possibly say, before he returned his eyes to yours. Nolan took a breath, and remained serious; “Yes.” “Yes!!!” You threw your arms around him and never wanted to let go; “Of course, I will!!!”

---

So, this wasn’t supposed to be a proposal fic, and then that was ALSO too good to pass up!

@dennismitchell @happyskywhale @wltz-bby​

#MendoTagSquad.

[gojos-eyedrops]

Second thoughts: The Fear of The Future and The Fear of Rejection

This pandemic has not been kind to me. Not because my life at home sucks, but because I've had enough free time to put things into perspective, work on my mental health, and make me consider things I had not considered up until now.  

So, this is me putting into words all the troubling thoughts that had been circling inside my head since this whole lockdown began in March. 

Having too much time has helped me see things I didn't 

Things I knew from way back suddenly become relevant again

Getting used to a slow paced life and running all the time

The beginning of my second thoughts

“If I could turn back time before I decided to go into vet school, I'd give it a more thorough thought before choosing”

The flip of a coin and its repercussions

Will this matter in two weeks? Most likely. 

The spiral leading to fear. 

Having too much time helped me see thighs I didn’t.

Normally, the summer break and the Christmas holidays tend to be the right length. It's time enough for me to rest and to mentally prepare for what's to come. And not long enough for me to actually get bored. 

It has been five months now. Time enough for me to run out of things to do, and I’m forced to slow down, and realize there isn’t any rush to do any of the things I have to do. It’s not like things are going somewhere else. Neither am I. Time slowed down. 

Just like everyone else, I got enough time to explore the halls inside my head. The way they stretch and turn, covered in dust, and some of them haven’t seen the light in years. Dusting away the dirt some thoughts and memories have accumulated over the time, I’ve become aware of who I am and where I come from. 

I’ve become aware. I’ve been staring in front of me, walking in a straight line, for so long, I’ve forgotten to look down at the map, or to even notice my surroundings. I've forgotten to see the whole picture up until now.

Things I knew from way back suddenly become relevant again

When I first started vet school, we were told about the misconceptions of what being a veterinarian really is. Being a career focused on medicine and healthcare, you cannot allow yourself to stop reading, to stop learning, to stop asking questions. Otherwise you’re left behind and become obsolete. Science keeps moving forward every day, and you have to constantly keep up with the pace. Always in a rush. Only those hungry for knowledge, always willing to learn will strive. 

“That's fine by me,” I said back then. 

Being such a demanding career, it shouldn’t have come as a surprise the statistics. That same day, we were taught about the suicide rates in veterinarians. One in ten commits suicide. A lot of this comes hand in hand with the fact that student debts are monstrous in the States. Something that, thankfully, isn’t that big of a problem down here. Student loans here aren’t as big. However, it’s still stressing to be a vet tech. 

The statistics didn’t scare me as much back then. Nowadays, those numbers seem more threatening. 

Getting used to a slow paced life and running all the time

Something I learned over the years is that wounds take time to heal. And there’s nothing to speed up that process. You have to clean the wound, and keep proper rest, avoid moving and making physical effort. If you forget to take care of the wound, stop cleaning it, it’ll get worse, hurt more and become infected. Mental health works the same way. You have to take it slow while you’re healing, you have to take care of it every day, and by ignoring it, it’ll only get worse. 

Something I’m thankful for, is the sudden slowing down of life. We were constantly moving, always with something to do, a deadline to meet, places to go. We never really stopped, did we? 

Not even when we are supposed to slow down we really slowed down. “Once we arrive at the hotel, let’s do this, and then this. Then let's go here, and by night lets go to this club” 

However, the pandemic forced us to stay indoors, with nothing to do, nowhere to go, and we’re back at worrying about our most basic needs. When to eat, when to sleep, everything else is extra. The whole world slowed down for the first time in decades, if not, centuries. 

This slowing down has allowed me to work in my mental health like I should have done a long time ago. My mental health has become my priority in the last months, as I’m constantly reading, journaling, meditating. Most of what I do when I don’t go to work is based on what feels best and what keeps my mind at ease.

I work at a vet clinic. I’m not formally working there, but I’m not going to stop and discuss the circumstances, let's just say I work there, as a student, I don't get paid, but I do get to learn first hand experience, something invaluable for someone in my position, since apparently everyone expects you to have plenty of experience by the time you graduate college and start applying for jobs. 

I only go to the vet clinic once a week, sometimes two. Because of the pandemic and safety measures, we try to keep the number of people in there to the minimum, but without being deficient. 

Something I've noticed is the more hands we have at our disposition, the more we’ll keep saturating ourselves and overworking. 

Being a veterinarian is stressful and if you're doing your job right, you're going to be busy the whole time. You see, vet techs don't overwork and saturate themselves because they’re workaholics. The love for animals, and the desire to help as many animals as posible is the reason why we’re always running inside the clinic, from one place to the other, in a rush, never really slowing down. You sacrifice your lunch time to keep working, you stay overtime, leave late, sometimes you don’t even leave and you stay on duty, sometimes you leave but return an hour later because of an emergency, you even put up with owners’ attitude and/or insults and complaints. And even when you finally make it to your house, you arrive home and read about several topics, reading articles, studying, consulting colleagues about your questions and asking for suggestions and opinions. You never truly stop. 

And once you see how it is from the inside, those suicide rates start making sense. 

The beginning of my second thoughts

With a lot of free time at my disposal, I did what everyone else did. I started focusing on my hobbies. I began writing more than before, I began drawing a lot more than before. I even grabbed my old dusty drawing tablet and decided to give digital drawing another chance. 

I can’t even remember how many times I tried to properly learn how to draw digitally. But for whatever reason I always ended up by giving up and staying comfortable in tradicional drawing. You see, drawing on paper and on a tablet are two very different things. Let alone coloring. 

This time, however, I was successful. I bought a new drawing tablet and became good friends with it soon after. 

My creative mind was fascinated. The characters I was constantly creating with lives and thoughts of their own could only be seen by others through my words. However, my new found talent allowed me to project my characters, and allow other people see exactly what I see. 

It was during this time that one of my closest friends asked me about it. He complimented me on my drawing skills, very much to my distorted perception of my own talents. The conversation soon grew deep and enlightening and touching. He asked me what I thought of giving animation a chance. And I'd be lying if I said I hadn’t considered it before. Time flows at an unreasonable fast speed once I begin drawing, and I easily forget about everything else when I’m at it. And since I like to write too, giving animation a chance would only seem right.

“I'm scared” I told him. To which he asked me what was I afraid of. And I answered: “I’m afraid I’ll end up liking animation more than vet medicine”. A series of questions followed after, and so, a door in my mind opened, and I haven’t been able to close it. 

In the end, it turned out I was afraid of disappointment. 

I’m lucky and immensely grateful to be surrounded by people who have faith in me, who constantly cheer me to keep going. Many people expect me to and wish that I come through, following the path I’d laid out for me. Friends, family, even the doctors I work with. Everyone is expecting great things from me. It's so satisfying and encouraging to see, but at the same time, it puts a weight on my shoulders, and makes me set higher standards than I would if I didn’t receive this much support. 

Now, imagine letting all those people down. 

You see, I’ve had a pretty constant life plan laid out before my eyes. Graduate in a year, work for a little while, save money, move to another city and do a postgrad. Afterwards, move yet to another city, and specialize in cardiology. A few dates and places had been considered over these last years, but my ultimate goal has stayed the same: become a cardiologist. The heart is my favourite organ, and it has been since I first learned about its anatomy and physiology in high school. Cardiology is what I want, or what I think I want. Those closest to me know this. And everyone who does, supports my decision and is cheering on me. It’s a great feeling, really. 

“If I could turn back time before I decided to go into vet school, I'd give it a more thorough thought before choosing”

I told that pretty recently to a friend.

Back in high school, one step away from deciding what is it that I want to do, I was torn between studying biology or vet medicine. In the end, I decided to let fate decide for me. Whichever career released their application form first. And we know which one of the two was the first one to do so. 

I don’t regret choosing from a flip of a coin. I’ve enjoyed vet school so much, and I genuinely believe it has been worth every bit of it. I don't regret, in the slightest, getting into Vet School, however, if I could talk to high school me, I’d tell her to give it a more thorough thought before choosing. Now that I’ve seen it from the inside, I can tell it’s not an easy decision to make. 

The flip of a coin and its repercussions

Anyone who knows me can tell how wildly passionate I’m about vet medicine. How I’m always eager to learn, and I’m constantly reading about things. I love sharing these things with other people as well. Clearly, I don’t regret getting into vet school. 

However, how much am I willing to put up with everything that implies being a vet? What it really takes? 

This quarantine, my mental health has become my priority, considering how easy it is for me to trip and fall into a spiral. I have to be constantly taking care of it. So, at what point does prioritizing my mental health meet prioritizing my job? 

In April I talked with a friend about what it was that I really wanted. And I began questioning myself, as well as my dreams. What I thought was my ultimate goal began getting blurry. 

In June, I decided to take a small break from my everyday life, and went to the woods. And as much as I love escaping to the woods for a little while and breathe some fresh air, this time, I didn’t feel like I got any rest at all. As I was haunted by exactly the one thing I was trying to run away from. 

Being in a constant “veterinarian mode” is tiresome. Always thinking of problems, solutions, questions, always being asked about these things, even when you’re not at work and are trying to rest. Even when I had planned to go into the forest to forget about my “vet tech life” for a little while, the vet tech life found me and haunted me. I didn’t get any rest at all. 

At what point this mentality becomes detrimental to my own health? Anyone who’s keeping up with it all has my absolute respect. Anyone in the health care area, not just veterinarians. 

I am starting to question whether I'll be able to keep up with this rhythm for the rest of my life. It's too fast. And now that I've gotten a taste of a slower paced life, I'm not sure I want to go back to the race.

You see, many people no longer see a person when they look at me. They see my profession. And it’s not bad, to some degree I  like it, being called a doctor feels nice. 

But sometimes I wish people forgot about my profession and asked me about what is it that I like, my hobbies, what books I've read. Instead of always asking me stuff about my job and questions they have about pets and animals in general. If I meet someone, we'll be talking of random things, but as soon as I mention I'm a vet tech, the conversation becomes focused on my career. I’m a human being first, you know? 

Will this matter in two weeks? Most likely. 

Whenever I feel like my anxiety is spiraling out of control, I manage to get a hold of it, and of the situation by asking myself: will this matter in two weeks? For the most part, the answer is no. And it's in that moment that I realize how many of the things that overwhelm me are for the most part, momentarily. 

However, this train of thought has been circling inside my head ever since April. Whenever I feel the anxiety closing in around me, and I ask myself if this will matter in two weeks, I answer myself no. Only to be proven wrong. This continues to matter, it has been for the last months. 

And the worst of it all, the more I think about it, the more it scares me, and every time I do, the anxiety drowns me at a faster speed. 

Will this matter in two weeks? Most likely. 

The spiral leading to fear. 

I’ve come such a long way. And there’s still a long way ahead of me. However, I’ve been staring straight in front of me for so long, I’ve forgotten to look at the map or my surroundings. And now that I’ve done so, I realise the beautiful landscape that surrounds me. Countless paths stretching before my eyes, all twisting and taking different turns, and I wish to explore them all. 

However, everyone talks of what I’ll find at the end of the path I chose to walk. This path will continue to get harder and harder, with countless obstacles in the future. But then again, all paths do. How much am I willing to sacrifice? How much weight am I willing to carry on my shoulders? It scares me. 

By this point, I’m scared to ask if I made the right choice. What if I didn’t? Even asking myself that makes my eyes teary and makes a lump grow in my throat. 

I guess you can say the answer is pretty obvious by now. But it is not. 

I’ll put it in simple words: I wish to be a vet tech, but without having to be one 24/7, but that's not how it works. 

It’s easy to take the leap when you’ve got nothing to lose. But the more there is at stake, the bigger the jump. The tower becomes taller, outgrowing your courage. And the more I approach the edge, the more scared I feel. 

I am lost. And I am scared. But I am not scared because I’m lost. I guess being lost isn’t as bad, since, in order to find new places, one must get lost first. I’m scared  because of everything I’ve said before. Despite life slowing down, and despite this year feeling so unbearably slow, many things have changed, so fast. I never thought I’d find myself questioning my future in just the span of a few months. I hadn't thought this much about my future since high school, when I had to choose a university and a career.

I'm still lost though, and out of balance. However, only time and working on myself will help.

I’ve still got a year left of school before graduating, and ultimately deciding what is it what I’m gonna do. And I’m willing to give this last year the benefit of the doubt, since so much has happened in just a few months, who knows what’s gonna happen the following year starting on monday. 

I wish for the following year to be gentle with  me. However, the best lessons come from the roughest times. 

In the meantime, I'll watching life unfold before me, and see how things fall into place. I'll continue to feel scared about the uncertain future hoping for the best.

[sailor-cresselia]

Zero One 02: Shot through the heart, and Vulcan’s to blame

He gives wolves a bad name.

…I’m not sorry.

I’m bouncing between the three non-TV-Nihon sub groups right now – OverTime, Rider Time, and Genm Corp. Since all three had their subs available quickly, this’ll make it easier to compare differences. Also, Genm Corp was the only one of the three who bothered subbing the OP when it appeared as an insert in episode 01, so I’ve only seen the one style for it yet.

Zero One 02: START

––––

We open with Izu and Aruto stepping out in front of Hiden Intelligence, where she formally introduces herself as his personal assistant.

He’s still in very justifiable disbelief that he’s been named President. He’s a comedian, for crying out loud! Izu points out that not only was he personally selected by the founder, the point of the HumaGear is to make people smile. That lines up with his own goal of making people smile, so he is well suited for the job.

Aruto: I mean?! TECHNICALLY?!

As they walk further into the building from the lobby, Jun and one of the other members of the board peek out from behind a vase of flowers and a table. He swears that he’ll pull the chair out from under their new chairman.

Shesta stands there, unimpressed.

The security system is pretty cool! At first glance, it appears to be the standard ‘bioscanner and glass pane’ set up that you see in all sorts of media – and then you realize that once a person has been let in? The ‘glass’ door is just a hologram. It’s a holographic door that says STOP on it, and it disappears when  it’s ‘open’. Which raises the question of ‘do we have solid-light holograms’ here. I wouldn’t put it past this season.

Unfortunately for Aruto, he. Uh. Hasn’t been added to the security system just yet. Instead of the circle saying that it’s okay to pass, he just gets a big old X and a buzzer noise.

After several attempts of smacking the scanner, a security HumaGear briskly steps up. He scans Aruto, and greets him as ‘President Hiden Aruto,’ bowing formally. Aruto returns the bow and greeting…

And still can’t get through the gate.

–

Daybreak Town.

Horobi watches a delivery HumaGear on a screen.

…oh. Oh dear.

After my last liveblog, I had a thought that I worked out with some others, that the selection of which HumaGear get hijacked probably isn’t random. That Taro’s smile was geniune when he thought back to the audience, and that he’d reached sentience – he’d hit the evolutionary singularity.

I thought that Horobi and Jin might be specifically using HumaGear who had hit singularity to turn into monsters. They’re not trying to bring on the singularity, they’re weaponizing it.

And Horobi just said that the one he’s watching is approaching it. That satisfied little nod to himself as he hoists up a package… yeah. That sure seems more like Taro than the other HumaGear we’ve seen.

Handing a Progrize Key to Jin, Horobi tells him to go collect the data.

…After Berotha was defeated, they plugged the broken key back into the holder that he’d pulled it from during his expository monologue.

So, maybe… trying to weaponize the mechanical rise, and bring it about en masse? Or something?

–

Back at Hiden, Aruto is ‘exploring’ his new office.

Looks like I was right on the money with my ‘dumb puppy’ comparison, he’s all over the place.

The 3D printing studio is just part of a big mechanical work bench section of the office, down a level from the office section of the office.

It’s also clearly up really high, because one of those tv-drones can be seen at the same level outside.

The workstation can be neatly hidden away, as well, when a wall builds itself back into existence, blocking the whole thing from view and leaving the room more like a normal office.

That’s the point when Izu decides it’s time to go over his schedule. He’s got a morning meeting with some government representatives… right now.

(Aruto has a brief, quiet panic about not being dressed for this – he’s wearing his day-glo sneakers, a formal pair of pants, and a formal suit jacket… and the jacket is on over his hoodie. It barely fits over his hoodie.)

We’re finally formally introduced to our two main members of AIMS; Techinical Advisor Yaiba Yua and Agent Fuwa Isamu.

Apparently, they’re going to be questioning all of Hiden’s personnel. Yua is much more reserved about this, and Isamu-

Okay, wow, if I didn’t hate him just from last episode, I’d hate him already. He slams a hand down on the desk, leaning way into Aruto’s space, ‘warning’ him to be thorough, because his answers could land him in jail.

Come on! He just got here! Aruto has had this job for less than a day, he doesn’t know jack!

–

…Oh, come ON!

STILL NO OPENING?!

–

Delivery HumaGear is doing his job, when a playful voice calls out from on top of the truck. How’d Jin get up there? Who knows! But he’s already calling the deliveryman his friend, as he forcefully places the false driver onto him, saying that he can start by destroying this company.

The deliveryman, wracked with pain and red sparks, mind you, says that HumaGear are supposed to make people smile!

We see from his perspective as Jin crouches in front of him, a progress bar filling as Jin tells him he’s wrong. It’s to make people extinct.

Connection established.

–

Back at Hiden, we see that Aruto has exactly zero idea what’s going on, and that Isamu gives zero shits about acting professional during an interrogation.

Basically, AIMS suspects Hiden Intelligence of covering incidents up. Currently, the specific incident in question is the one at the amusement park yesterday. They’ve clearly gotten the remains of most of the rogue HumaGear, but there wasn’t a trace of the one in charge.

Because he was very thoroughly destroyed, not that anyone but Aruto and Izu know that.

Izu, connecting to the server, states that there are no records of anything matching that description… as phrased by Genmcorp. Going by Ridertime, she says that they can not validate those records. Overtime has her saying that there’s no data to corroborate Yua’s claims.

In any case… something is going on. Hiden is very definitely covering this up, and using Aruto to do it. He’s just following Izu’s ‘lead,’ because he has zero idea what’s going on.

Isamu implies that this isn’t new, that Hiden has covered things up before.

Yua tells Aruto that AIMS has the authority to prosecute HumaGear-based violations.

Not that Aruto actually knows what that sort of thing would be, so he asks Izu, who recites off the good ol’ First Law of Robotics: A HumaGear may not allow a human to come to harm, for any reason.

Isamu – area speciesist – basically threatens Aruto, telling him not to think he can keep this quiet, these HumaGears are killing machines.

Yua, who is a few bullet-shaped microaggressions away from punching her ‘partner’, tells him to cut it out, they’re not here to commit slander.

Being the dumb puppy that he is, Aruto thinks he can break the tension with one of his old stand up routines.

This doesn’t work.

In fact, it looks like it does the opposite of work, and I’m pretty sure that Isamu’s about ready to kill a man with his bare hands.

It’s a little ironic that the giant ‘emergency’ warnings flashing around the room are what probably just saved Aruto’s life. Mind you, they also confuse the heck out of all three humans in the room. Izu, who often looks about two steps away from saying ‘screw the first law’, lets Aruto know that he has a trespasser.

–

Said trespasser is a very-much hijacked deliveryman, tossing people around – human and humagear alike. His transformation into the Kuehne Magear is no less terrifying than the one into Berotha last episode, although it is thankfully over much faster.

Kuehne is based on the Kuehneosuchus, a late Triassic gliding reptile. This is most easily seen in how he has a pair of wing-shaped boomerangs.

A security humagear manages to block said murder-rangs from killing Jun and the other board member, but that wound up redirecting them to the balcony where Aruto and the others were, dividing the party as everyone dodges.

And these blades are dangerous, too. They can cleave right through the display stands, which appear to be made of poured concrete.

As Isamu and Yua fire, I can’t help but notice her saying he’s disobeying orders again – he is not supposed to have the transformation gun right now.

Oh, goody! As an arboreal gliding lizard, Kuehne is able to crawl along walls! Right up until he takes a hit from Isamu’s Shot Riser, which makes enough of an impact that it knocks him back to the ground.

Isamu, pulling out a Progrise Key, says that he’ll transform and scrap it.

Or, he would, if the key would open. He’s a bit distracted by his non-functional transformation trinket as Kuehne launches his boomerangs again, so Yua literally kicks him to the ground to dodge the return path.

I love her.

I love her even more now that I know that she’s the weapons administrator, and that key isn’t going to open without her authorization.

Yua, I love you, please don’t die.

The security humagear are evacuating the remaining civilians, as Izu all but hurls Aruto out of view. “President Aruto, it would be wise of you to do something before anyone dies.” Emphasis mine, but I strongly suspect she would be placing the same if she were allowed to have emotions yet.

“However… please conceal your identity from AIMS.”

Aruto seems really reluctant at first… and then he hears the screaming again, and turns around, his expression level. “Henshin.”

There’s a brief scuffle between Zero One and Kuehne, which moves the fight outside, and Aruto does okay… until his sweep kick is dodged very handily via Kuehne landing on the wall. That sort of jumping ability does tend to put a damper on knocking someone off their feet.

As Aruto’s hit by a few shots from Kuehne, he gets knocked down, and as he gets to his feet, here come Isamu and Yua, guns drawn and aimed at him. Oh, uh, not just aimed at. Isamu’s shooting at him. Aruto’s protests of ‘you’ve got the wrong guy’ are useless, as Kuehne’s disappeared. Zero One proceeds to take off, as well, dodging gunfire and leaping off of walls to get distance.

Aruto has just barely dropped his transformation when the AIMS agents make it to where he wound up. Isamu grabs him by the lapel, shoving him into a wall and ‘asking’ where he’s hiding ‘the yellow one.’

“I’m not hiding him! He went that way!” Aruto points at the fucking sky, and this somehow works, so as the agents move away from him – only a few yards, mind you – Aruto nopes the heck out of there.

Isamu, the Key dangling from his fingers, demands that Yua unlock it.

“Why would I do that for someone as stupidly reckless as you?!” (The only part of that sentence that’s subtext is ‘stupidly,’ everything else is just straight up text.)

Isamu, getting in her face, all but yells that he’s the captain here.

She gives as good as she gets, retorting right back that she’s in charge of the entire arsenal. If she doesn’t think you should be using the super gun, you’re not getting to use the super gun. They split up, to go look for the rogue HumaGear.

–

In the Hiden lobby, Shesta and that same security guard we’ve been seeing assure the small crowd that it was just a security drill, nothing more.

As the relieved crowd disperses, Aruto jogs up, thanking the guard for protecting everyone.

“President Aruto, it is my task to protect the people of this company.”

Izu smiles a little bit, looking slightly away from her dumb puppy of a boss. Most people don’t treat HumaGear on the same level as humans – not quite. But Aruto talks to her like a regular person, and he greeted one of his coworkers at the park by name – Yui, one of the greeters.

Aruto notices the damage to the guards arm, and flashes back to his father – humagear legs revealed, synthetic skin torn away. He pauses, just for a moment, his smile dropping a little, before he turns back to the guard.

“Then, tell me your name! I won’t forget it.”

Implying that people don’t usually bother to remember HumaGear’s names.

“Mamoru. President Korenosuke named me.” The guard – Mamoru – looks a little less stiff at that, a little less pre-programmed.

“I see. We’re basically family then, right?” Aruto pulls out a handkerchief, tying it around Mamoru’s damaged arm. (Oh, for the love of – it’s got those comedy paper fans on it. Aruto, please.) He pats Mamoru on the shoulder. “Get yourself patched up.” He grins as he heads back into the office.

Mamoru looks down at the inexplicable impromptu bandage… and smiles. A real, authentic, smile, not the programmed one.

A distance away, Jin spins a key in his hand, and smiles as well.

–

Isamu interrupts a ‘talk’ between Jun and Aruto, the second of whom has zero idea what’s going on.

He brings Aruto to the roof to talk, because that’s totally a good idea… but it’s nice and private, at least.

He starts going on about how the company hasn’t changed, that it’s still building itself on a foundation of victims. Aruto protests that HumaGears are supposed to make peoples lives better, that they’re what people dreamed of!

“So you’ll just let the nightmare repeat itself?!” Isamu pauses after yelling, and then resumes talking, more calmly this time. “An entire city was destroyed in an accident.”

Ah. There’s why we came up here. It’s to give us a visual. The roof has a wonderful angle of Daybreak Town.

Aruto grows somber at the mention of Daybreak, thinking back to an explosion of blue fire engulfing a school building, and his younger self crying over his fathers broken body.

“But that catastrophe was no accident. The truth was that HumaGears went on a murderous rampage. I was there, that day…”

Holy shit. Isamu was… late middle school, maybe a first year in high school at most, waking up in a blasted, ruined classroom… and it sure looks like the other students in there are dead. Red-eyed humagear – an earlier model, going by the less detailed faces – are crawling at the windows, hurling themselves after him as he runs.

“And Hiden Intelligence covered it all up. They claimed it was an accident!”

Aruto stands, shocked, his eyes wide, before growing serious as Isamu storms up to him, glaring. “I will expose your company, and their sins.”

While Isamu walks off… I’m pretty sure that Aruto’s vowing to do the same.

–

Kuehne reappears, where the press is hounding for answers in front of Hiden, tossing people aside.

Mamoru charges him, trying to tackle him away, before being similarly tossed aside. As he gets up…

No.

No, no, no.

As Mamoru gets up, Jin places a buckle at his waist.

–

AND THEN I HAD TO SPEND 15 MINUTES WAITING FOR MY COMPUTER TO UPDATE.

–

As Mamoru gets up, Jin places a buckle at his waist, saying that he can be one of his friends, too.

Mamoru, on one knee, in pain, tries so, so hard to reject this. “To protect this company…” he clutches at the arm that Aruto had wrapped for him. “That is my task!” He’s not saying this in the scared manner that Taro or the deliveryman, named Okureru, according to KRWiki, did. He’s defiant, and angry, and glaring right up at Jin, even as he gets grabbed by the chin and forced to look directly at him, as the download completes.

–

Yua and a team of AIMS troops ‘corner’ Kuehne, firing on him.

–

As people evacuate, Aruto runs up to Izu.

Slowly, Jin comes up the stairs toward them. When Aruto asks who he is, he says “Me? Hmm… the pioneer of a new world… I guess.”

A security door opens behind him, Mamoru stepping through, his face vacant… and a little bit haunted. None of the fear or loss of control from the other two. He looks like he’s been erased far more than they had.

“Mamoru!? Why did you let him in?”

“It is what I was commanded…” He pulls out a key, and inserts it into his murder belt.

Aruto already recognizes those belts, too.

Mamoru’s transformation into Ekal is terrifying, yes, but he doesn’t scream through it, like the previous two magear did. He’s silent, and since we don’t see as much of it, that is where the terror comes from.

The tragedy comes from how it happens. His uniform burned away… but near the end of the transformation, we see that the handkerchief didn’t disintegrate. It fluttered to the ground. On fire, yes, and definitely not the same size it used to be. But it wasn’t completely destroyed.

Ekal takes his theming from Ekaltadeta, a type of carnivorous marsupial. They can tell it was a carnivore, or an omnivore with a preference for meat, by the “large buzz-saw-shaped cheek-tooth” found in the species fossils. That description of the tooth is a direct quote from Wikipedia.

Aruto grabs Ekal around the waist, calling for Mamoru, to try and wake him up. This isn’t him, so please, snap out of it!

He gets thrown against a pillar for his trouble.

Izu chooses now to speak up. “Once HumaGear code has been modified, it cannot be reverted.” There’s no other option. Aruto has to eliminate him.

“no…”

Ekal, in a robotic monotone, advances. “Humans must be…”

–

“-Eliminated!” Kuehne, growling, finishes the sentence in the loading area where he’s cornered Yua. She backs away to reload her gun, but Kuehne is on top of the shipping container already. She aims her weapon-

And a shot passes right past her ear.

Isamu, stop doing that. I swear, if we lose her to friendly fire of all things…

He stalks up, the belt for his Shot Riser in his off hand, swearing that he will crush all HumaGears.

Yua yells at him to stop, even as he latches the Shot Riser in place, he doesn’t have clearance yet!

“I said I’m going to do it! And I make my own rules!”

Someone needs to knock this asshole down a few pegs.

He pulls out the Progrise key, and as he strains to get it to open, there are momentary flashes of the red-eyed HumaGear attacking, and him running. “The HumaGears are going to pay…”

–

Aruto is flung against a column, again. “HumaGears are the reason I’m here today…”

We flash to when he was a child, with the blue explosion… and see that his father shielded him from it, pushing him to the ground and covering him with his own body.

“A HumaGear protected me.” In the present, he drags himself to his feet. “HumaGears aren’t killing machines!” Izu watches in the background as he puts on the driver and furiously glares. “They’re humanity’s dream!

–

Isamu pulls at his Progrise Key. “HumaGears are a threat, they’re humanities enemy!” He keeps forcing at it. “And I’m going to obliterate every last one of them!”

The Shooting Wolf Progrise Key opens.

Bullet! Authorize!

The belt plays a sound clip of “Kamen Rider” over and over, looping, the background music effect audibly looping with it. And then Shooty McAsshole gets a STUPIDLY COOL TRANSFORMATION SEQUENCE.

“Henshin!”

SHOTRISE

He fires the gun, and the bullet looks like it’s a seeker round, by the way it zooms around Kuehne, and then back toward Isamu…

It starts to ‘split apart’ as it returns, and then he pUNCHES THE BULLET IN MIDAIR. It breaks apart and the suit forms. The armored portions are the first to appear, latching onto him, as red circuit lines trace down his body, which presumably turn into his undersuit.

But the best part, especially for me, a Double fan, is seeing his helmet form. The individual pieces start as little disks, before spinning out into the shapes on the helmet. Those same red circuit lights that made the base for his suit also trail up his face, before the helmet segments close in and form the helmet proper.

For those who haven’t seen Double – and you should – that helmet formation is almost the exact same way it happens for Double, Accel, Skull, and Eternal. Literally the only difference is that the helmets in Fuuto form out of… like, fragments? They aren’t distinguishable until they’re actively part of the helmet, basically. And the lines are darker in a Gaia Memory based transformation, instead of glowing, but still.

Kamen Rider Valkyrie had better get an even better transformation than Vulcan is. I refuse to let her be shown up by this asshole.

The elevation increases as the bullet is fired

–

Jump! Authorize!

Aruto, I am begging you to get your mechanical grasshopper under control, because once again, he’s causing even more damage to the surroundings. Also, he is very definitely being teleported down from the satellite – the 3D printing doesn’t seem to go through things, and that grasshopper just crashed in through a skylight.

…Aw, man. We’re not going to get a cool robot wolf or cheetah, are we?

Just one more way that Aruto’s transformation is different from the others. He has the undersuit form first, they have the armor. Zero One has a giant robot, Vulcan has a literal bullet. He has a belt, they have a gun.

Hm.

Zero One charges to battle-

–

-and the shot transitions smoothly to Vulcan doing the same. He and Kuehne are swapping blows in the enclosed spaces between shipping containers, while Yua films it with her RisePhone.

“Fuwa Isamu has become Kamen Rider Vulcan. It’s finally begun…”

…Honey, what do you mean by that?

–

Zero One and Ekal have made it to a parking garage – and. Uh. Okay, so. He knocked Ekal down, and said magear landed near a row of motorcycles.

Remember how Berotha used those cables to reprogram the other HumaGear in the last episode?

Ekal just used that to jumpstart a motorcycle to get away.

And then it gets WEIRDER!

Izu shows up, telling Aruto that his phone can summon his company motorcycle.

And by ‘summon,’ we’re being quite literal here. I think we all assumed that the phone was going to be like the Machin Builder. It’s not. The phone has a bike app, that he has to scan on his belt, same as the Progrise Key.

This is where the ‘Changing to Super Bike, Motorcycle Mode’ voice clip comes from.

Then. We see the satellite – which Genm Corp and Over Time agree is called ‘Zea’, as opposed to ‘Z-A’ like Rider Time had chosen. A section on it rotates, and it is definitely straight up sending the grasshopper down for the transformations. How can I tell that?

Because a panel on the satellite opens up, dropping a giant Risephone to earth.

Regular phone, in a polite female voice: “Please watch your head.”

Aruto, confused: “Eh?”

Ceiling: destroyed

The giant risephone is floating over the rubble – yes, it’s definitely floating in mid-air, I can see it bobbing up and down. Aruto presses the giant bike app icon, and there’s the ‘phone becomes a bike’ aspect.

Aruto just sort of goes with this. His life has already become weird enough in the past day and a half, why not just get on the floating phone-bike-comet?!

Zero One and the Rise Hopper nyoom down the street in hot pursuit.

–

Ekal, meanwhile… seems to be following traffic laws much more closely on his stolen Honda than Aruto is on his company vehicle. Case in point, Zero One just used a car as a ramp to get some air. He got too much air, and drove on the side of a building, shattering the windows, several stories up, before finally going back down to the actual ground.

This show is wild, and I think that insert theme is kicking back in.

Oh, no, maybe it’s just normal fight music. Everything looks like it’s going at a weird speed, because they’re allegedly fighting each other by punching and kicking while driving motorcycles next to each other. And it looks really slow! I. You know what, it gets us some NICE stuff, so whatever. Such as Ekal having extendable fangs that nearly knock Zero One off of his bike, but him hanging on by literally one hand and foot, and pulling himself back upright in time to avoid getting hit directly by an oncoming truck.

Then he does some truly absurd kicks to Ekal’s face… while standing on the bike seat.

Our protagonist, ladies and gentlemen!

The second kick is the one that knocks Ekal completely off of his respective bike, so Zero One skids to a stop, and goes back to fight, pulling out his Attache Calibur, going after Ekal.

–

The shot of Zero One rushing off screen with his sword transitions directly into Kuehne’s perspective of attacking Vulcan with his own swords. Vulcan blocking a strike and pushing it away transitions directly into Vulcan’s perspective as he shoots.

The cinematography of this show so far is just. Mwa. Beautiful.

There’s some time with Vulcan dodging the boomerang blades, before Kuehne must catch them and leaps down to attack-

–

-transitioning right into Zero One parkouring up and off of a shipping container to kick Ekal.

Wait. A shipping container? There’s. Uh. Your new location has a lot of those. And Vulcan’s already surrounded by them.

And AIMS thinks Zero One is another rogue HumaGear.

Uh-oh.

…Oh.

Oh, my heart. We’re not even getting that conflict yet.

We’re getting the end of the Zero One versus Ekal fight.

Breathing heavily, Aruto pulls his Progrise Key out of his driver. “There’s only one thing that can stop you…” His voice is shaking, he does not want to have to do this. We see a shot of him tying the kercheif around Mamoru’s arm. He looks at the key, and then back at Ekal. “And that’s me!” His voice is breaking, and so is my heart, and I’m pretty sure he’s trying not to cry under that helmet.

The music is dark, dismal.

There’s nothing heroic about this sunset victory.

–

Yikes.

So. Uh. Vulcan’s initial finisher.

He, naturally, activates the progrise key and shoots. That’s as expected. Four over-sized energy bullets come out. That’s as expected, it’s a superhero finisher.

What’s significantly less expected is for said energy shots to then turn into energy wolves, which track down the fleeing Kuehne. And bit onto his limbs. Okay, yes, fine. When the first two have him by the arms.

They pin him against one of the shipping containers as the other two go for his legs, and when I say ‘pin him against’ I am being incredibly literal.

The wolves turn into spikes and literally pin him in place.

This shipping container isn’t even anywhere Vulcan can see. He fires again.

The energy sphere literally burns straight through three consecutive containers before it reaches where Kuehne is pinned and then presumably melted.

I say presumably, because we don’t see any remains. We do see that the fourth container has had a hole melted through, same as the others. Zero One sees this, as well, since he’s right on the other side, and just barely didn’t get hit by the massive ball of energy that was still going.

Vulcan looks at him, gun still raised and shaking slightly with his rage.

A cloud of smoke billows past Zero One, obscuring his escape.

Vulcan stands alone, a full moon hanging low in the sky.

–

The next day, Jun is heading a press conference – or, trying to. Nobody seems to believe that he doesn’t have any comment with regards to any potential HumaGear having gone berserk. Yua and Isamu watch the chaos unfold as they stand along a back wall. Also, Isamu must have screwed up his shooting arm in that fight, because it’s in a sling.

“It’s the truth!”

And just like in the board room, all it takes is a short, sharp phrase from Aruto to silence the room, even as the theme song intensifies in the background.

Hiden Aruto strides forward, in a well-fitted suit, Izu following a step and a half behind him as he takes the stage. She starts a video as he speaks.

It’s Mamoru, and Jin, right before Mamoru was turned into Ekal. From the direction of the camera… this is taken from a feed from Izu herself.

Aruto, at the podium, in front of reporters and government officials, tells them that the true people behind this are the terrorist group Metsuboujinrai.net, that they hack HumaGears and corrupt their programming.

Going by Yua and Isamu’s reactions, they had no idea that anything of the sort was happening. They also know full well that the third person in the video is Aruto – they recognize that hoodie from the same afternoon.

If he was trying to cover this up, why would he film himself being attacked? Why would he film it with one of his own security guards doing the attacking?

He swears that he will prove that the HumaGear are not at fault.

(He doesn’t say this, but… he’s not doing this as a CEO, but as a person. It’s not a corporate desire driving him to prove his companies innocence, it’s because it’s what’s right, and humans and HumaGear alike deserve better than this.)

One of the human reporters asks who he even is.

“Chief Executive Officer and President of Hiden Intelligence, Hiden Aruto.”

Jun looks like he wants to do a murder.

Aruto has come off cool and collected, serious throughout this entire section… and then a HumaGear reporter brings up that it seems unlikely a comedian like him could be a company president.

This was a mistake.

He steps out from behind the podium, looking like he’s going to make a grandiose statement, and… no. No, it’s one of his terrible, nigh-untranslatable jokes. Something about bright futures and shining and whatever. Izu is now his accomplice, helping him out by shining a light from her tablet.

The room is left silent for a completely different reason.

…Oh no. It’s not going to be heroic resolve that wins Isamu over to Aruto’s side. It’s going to be Aruto’s terrible, awful, no-good sense of humor.

Because Isamu wasn’t fighting the urge to punch him in the office.

He was trying not to break out laughing.

This aspect will not end well.

Isamu and Yua leave, him trying to regain his stoicism, as Aruto desperately begs Izu to stop explaining his jokes.

––––

Zero one zero one zero one zero one zero one I DON’T HAVE A GOOD END COMMENT

UH.

Okay, so. The special effects in this show. The cinematography. They’re SO GOOD.

I acknowledge that Yua’s going to have a very hard time getting a better transformation into Valkyrie than Isamu has into Vulcan, but by gaim, I need her to beat him out.

The cuts between shots tying into each other during the fights was just. Ugh. Yes. It’s beautiful.

The only problem I have right now, that I’m willing to get into, anyway… where are our opening credits?! Are we going to have to wait until episode four for them?! Because episode three is where we’re finally getting Valkyrie, so they might just be waiting until we have our three main riders. Might.

As for the problem that I’m not willing to get into just yet… I know that I didn’t mention, during the press conference, that there’s a shot of… a new Mamoru. I don’t want to get into the topic of “can you ‘recreate’ an AI” at the moment. I’m not good at dealing with things like the Ship of Theseus Paradox in the first place, and since it looks like we’re going to be getting more into the ‘do HumaGear have hearts’ next episode, I’d like to at minimum wait until then.

Until next week!

Zero one zero one zero one zero one- PLEASE JUST GIVE US OUR PROPER OPENING SEQUENCE ALREADY I BEG YOU.

(Takahashi-san, please. Please don’t start off doing the thing from Ex-Aid, where Excite wound up being an ending theme for a good third of the season. Please.)

[cyanidefilledcandy]

So,

A month or so ago, I had finally made the decision to take my best friend up on his offer to move in with him and also maybe even take a break. In all honesty, it’s something I should’ve done a while ago; like.....3 years ago awhile ago. But, I was holding out the hope that my hard word would be rewarded and that I would at least have the opportunity for a promotion I honestly deserved. Not the case...

The past few months at work have been horrendous. Not just because we’re short staffed, but from the way I and others have been treated. 

I spoke briefly on the situation with my boss. Not only was he falsely accused of sexual harassment with evidence that proved the contrary; not only did he lose pay and it’s costing him money he uses to take care of his house, sons, and mother; but they wouldn’t even let him take over the store he wanted. It’s a store he’s wanted for a while that is close to home, instead making him take one that’s TWICE the drive the other two stores were. This is how he’s treated after 23 years of PHENOMENAL service. That’s not even an exaggeration. This man worked so hard and made SO much money for these people. Typically, in any given Kroger, the meat department make up about 2% of the store’s total sales. Ours made up 12% on average and it was steadily growing. Doesn’t matter... When this incident first happened, I had wondered if it was some kind of conspiracy against him to get him fired. Our grocery department has been at odds with us ever since we kept bringing up to management our concerns about literally being harassed and verbally assaulted by their frozen lead (a guy who should’ve never gotten the position any way considering he was insubordinate and doing the exact same thing to his deli leads when he first started (all women). So, they gave him a promotion...) Well, with the new store manager, allegedly, something was going to be done about that....and they didn’t like that. So, why not frame the guy who is causing them trouble, a man who has been a dear friend to them for over 20 years, for something horrible like sexual harassment?

So, right after, I had to take up the mantle, which I honestly didn’t mind. I hated the situation with a passion, and I honestly wouldn’t have taken a promotion anyway. I had been talking about seriously leaving the store (maybe even company) behind since before this incident. I’ve should’ve left long ago, but my mind was made up the day my store manager put me in the hospital from a panic attack. 

So, we’re GROSSLY understaffed (we always have been), despite having good numbers, doing a ABSURD amount of work by hand, and most importantly, doing absolutely ridiculous things for customers that most stores just outright refuse to do (hell, they won’t even do simple things). But, we soldier on and do the best that we can. Again, I don’t mind as much because I love the chance to showcase what I can do, especially with a promotion around the corner. 

Wasn’t given the opportunity. Instead, I kept getting sent people to “show me what to do” like I haven’t been there for 3 goddamn years (all men, btw). And what these men do is come in and disregard me completely and fuck me and my coworkers over with their bullshit. Because of them, what should have been a relatively simple holiday turned into a disaster for me, my coworkers, and our customers because these guys came in and left everything in disarray. And to make matters worse, management looked at me like it was my fault when I TOLD them this would happen. Furthermore, when they DID finally stop coming, it still left us GROSSLY understaffed, and we did all we could do.

Wasn’t good enough. Everyday, we got talked down to, treated like we were incompetent, and that anybody but us could do the job better. And to make matters worse, the new store manager got some kind of bug up her ass about me. I originally thought it was because I wasn’t all happy and smiley like when she first started. And why would I be? 

We lost our leader and good friend due to a bullshit conspiracy, we’re being treated like dirt, the district meat manager is outright refusing to give me a chance, we’re short staffed and working ourselves to death to try and keep this department going and on top of all of that, my car is still down. I’m paying $200 a week and actually living in poverty to work here. So yes.....I’m not smiling. 

But apparently, she took it personally, and ever since then goes out of her way to make sure I’m always overrode on decisions, make sure to always ask others opinions on my department when I’m it’s leader and have been for over 3 years now. I won’t get into every little thing, but basically she treats me as if I’m incompetent, ignores any hard work I do and finds something to complain about. 

Meanwhile, my mental health (which is already like a thread’s worth there) is steadily getting worse. I’m stressed from not being able to do a good enough job because I don’t have health, depressed from how me and my coworkers are being treated, depressed that others are getting all of the glory and being treated better than me and like THEY’RE the one keeping the department going when they’re clearly not (a white woman), and depressed that I not only am not getting a chance for a promotion, but that I never WILL get that chance for a promotion. 

The district meat manager has overlooked me time and time again, and I always knew me being a black woman was a key issue in that. I’ve been repeatedly denied even to take classes to become a manager of my own department. Any time there is a chance for me to prove that I can do a good job, I am denied that opportunity and some man is brought in to show me how to do my job. I knew it then, but for some reason hung on to the hope that if I kept pushing and kept doing my job that I could prove myself and get to run a market. I was being dumb. This time struck me harder. My old manager told me that he REALLY wanted me to become a meat manager because none of the women he ever trained became one. ....I have no idea how it hasn’t hit him, because it hit my like a bag of bricks. Let me tell you something about my manager....

He’s good. He’s extremely good. And he’s a great and knowledgeable teacher. Every backup he has has been promoted and moved on to run their own markets within a year. The one who didn’t was literally because he had a learning disability. But, he kept working with him, and now that man is at a corporate level in the company. That man...

He’s had his fair share of female backups, and none of them have EVER made it past that position....and none ever will. I remember going to a meeting with all of the meat managers and backups and just curiously looking around at the demographics. There was ONE other female backup there, but no female leads.

I’ve always known this about the man who sits at the head of our district’s meat department. He’s sexist, plain and simple. Maybe even a tad racist. But, he constantly talks to me (and other women) like we’re incompetent children. One day, he came in and was explaining a VERY simple business concept to me and kept repeating “Oh, you probably don’t understand this. You probably don’t understand this,” like I’m just fucking stupid. 

My BIGGEST pet peeve is for someone to treat my like I’m stupid and/or that I’m beneath them, and I get both from this guy, and it takes everything in my power not to slice his fucking neck open with the myriad of knives available in my department (or to just snap and tell him about himself). I KNOW my IQ is WORLDS higher than this guy’s. It’s not my fault I wasn’t born with a silver spoon up my ass.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying Kroger as a whole is sexist or racist. This seems to be an occurrence that’s isolated to this department (maybe even JUST in this division). And if you’re wondering about the female backups, well, that decision belongs to the meat manager of that particular store. Whether someone becomes a lead, however, depends on this fat, sexist fuck who is at our corporate level. And if that wasn’t apparent enough, it became even more apparent once the market opened up....

So, the guy they ultimately gave the store to (a young, white male) comes in and management is a COMPLETE 180. They assure that he has help at all times. They give him the utmost praise for the smallest accomplishments. And when they grade the department, it’s ALWAYS favorably. The grades for the department has steadily been nothing but B’s since he got here. When I was running it, I was lucky to get a C+ and this was even before manager got fired. I can see him doing the same amount of work and the department looking the same as when I would get a C+ and they would give him a B+. And to top things off, the manager made a HUGE fucking deal about assuring he had 2 days off a week. I worked myself to EXHAUSTION, 24 fucking days in a row, 7 days a week, usually for 9-11 hours a day no matter how sick I was, and got told “Why isn’t the department perfect? Why do you have overtime? Why aren’t you smiling?” And what’s worse, our numbers are steadily getting worse, and is he getting in any trouble for it? No. They could come in and we’re out of product because he wants to order “by the skin of my teeth”; customers come in looking for things and it’s not there, even past the time we’re supposed to be set up. Does he get into any trouble for it? No. And I’m not mad at this kid. I’m not. He’s only doing what I was trying to do. He has nothing to do with how I’ve been treated, and I’m not the type of person to take out on someone what someone else did to me. I’m not that person; I’m never going to be that person.

And each day it cuts deeper and deeper. I should be over it by now (I AM moving and made it very well known that I was leaving), but it still really fucking hurts. I’ve given SO much to work at that job. Not just physically, but I put myself through so much to stay there. I lived in poverty, worked my body to the point where I don’t think I’ll ever recover, kept myself in a dangerous situation and wound up being ATTACKED from it, when I could’ve been living with my best friend, at least semi-happy and safe. And why? Because I’m ambitious and wanted to work to get to a better position. Money was a factor, but a very small one. I’m just the type of person who always wants to move forward and do better. Ambitious and perfectionist. 

Doesn’t matter...

I could go on and on and on about all the bullshit I’ve been through at Kroger, as well as witnessed other people go through. (Believe it or not, but this is just scraping the VERY recent surface.) But, it doesn’t matter because I had set a date and time to move away and join my friends. They decided to move to Arizona, and while I’m not in LOVE with the idea of going THERE in particular, I am in love with the idea of getting away from this place that brought me nothing but misery and just starting over and....trying to get myself together. I’m in SUCH bad shape and have been for a very, very long time; mentally, physically, and emotionally. So, my plan was to get my car back in decent working order, start back my second job so that I can end with them on a good, professional note, start packing, and then just....leave by the 20th on next month. Simple. Obtainable.

Not happening...

This weekend, my car went out completely... It’s...just done...

And I want to kill myself because it was because a stupid, simple mistake on my part. Something I was unaware of, but simple nonetheless. I won’t get into it. I don’t want to hear comments about how I should’ve known that and blah blah blah.... I feel bad enough about it. 

And the timing is just AWFUL because I’m just three payments away from paying the car off completely. My second JUST got in contact with me about filling out rehire paperwork (but it’s right behind my other job, which is a city away). And worst of all, just when I’m only 3-4 weeks away from moving and trying to get my life back on track...

Furthermore, this is going to put me back into the cycle of spending $200+ a week to get to work, and....I absolutely REFUSE to do that... It’s not worth it. It has NEVER been worth it. I stayed for my manager and my coworkers....to make their lives easy, because they’re people I genuinely love. I can’t afford to dish out that kind of money, and am considering just quitting and finding something closer until I can come up with a down payment on a new car...

That being said, even though it shouldn’t take me a long time to find a job....it just might, and I’m already still very far behind on bills, and I can’t NOT have income. And Unemployment Benefits criteria is SO nitpicky here, that I’m afraid I won’t be able to receive benefits, even though this IS a work related problem.

So, I’m stuck. Stuck and depressed and stuck...

I have no idea what my move should be. I don’t know if I should just quit Kroger and look for something around here. Or try and tough it out at Kroger until something becomes available (which....I’m going to be honest, it was hard enough trying to stay there until the end of the month. Going there day after day is slowly chipping away more at my mental health that I feel like I could snap at any day... I was only trying to hold on so that I had a job when I moved to Arizona, even though my friend told me it was fine to just take a month off and THEN start looking for work.) So....*sigh* I just don’t know...

....besides just swallowing a bottle of pills. It sounds like I’m being melodramatic, but....it’s honestly the best option at this point. And not just because of this. Because of everything...

I’m tired. I’m tired of everything. I’m tired of the world I inhabit. 

[andrewuttaro]

New Look Sabres: GM 73 - TOR - The Nylander Bowl

There was a part of this season the Sabres and Leafs were on a collision course. Right after the win streak there was that game that felt like a real rivalry matchup. I suppose I’m a little bias since I experienced it in person, but I think we all felt the same way at the time. The Sabres, slotted right behind Toronto in the standings at that point looked like they were finally in the same league for the first time in a long time. Perhaps they were both in a quite shitty place together at one time but that’s not nearly as fun. That game was so close it damn near went to the shootout. It was not to be and since that matchup Buffalo has tumbled down a hill in a historic way, not only falling out of the playoff picture but losing so much in the back half that there is an outside chance they pick top 5 in the Draft. We can rehash our mournful lack of playoffs or we can look north of the border where getting playoff games hasn’t exactly made our Canadian brethren all that much happier. They have also been rather shit since the New Year, albeit not quite as shitty, and they’re now staring down the barrel of a first-round matchup that runs a high likelihood of knocking them out early. Trust me, I’m near to selling a kidney for a Sabres playoff series at this point but in Toronto they’ve had one going on in April three years in a row now and enter this one prepared to sound a five-alarm fire when their predicted knockout comes. The grass is always greener on the other side and sometimes with the way we talk about the Leafs that other side is the other side of the border as it were. This game was a bit of that. This game last night was hardly fun but when it was it reminded you of what this matchup could be a behemoth of a rivalry waiting to happen. I’ll save the Leafs’ playoff fate for Playoffs according to the Sabres because if you are a Leafs fan reading this… well first off thank you, share this, you Ontario folks love your hockey…  you probably aren’t from Toronto. Leafs fans who show up to Sabres games are mostly the St. Catherines/Hamilton bunch who either can’t afford Toronto ticket prices or just don’t want that. All the whining about Sabres fans not showing up for Leafs games is warranted but its more stupid than you think at first glance. Now let’s talk about the game that happened last night.

This game had fewer shots than some Church events I’ve been to, particularly that first period. Carter Hutton was playing the role of Nun evidently and stymied a lot of the Leafs fun. The game was grossly lopsided in favor of the not so lonely visitors from the start. The Sabres only had seven shots the whole period and didn’t break five shots until the final five minutes of the first. The Leafs shot 19 shots in the first. Some weaker opponents don’t put up that much in a game… like uh, the Sabres who only put up 24 shots the whole game! This lopsidedness perhaps colored both fanbases reactions then when the only goal of the period was by Sabre Casey Mittelstadt. Mittelstadt tapped in a Dahlin slapper from the line behind a Garret Sparks who was apparently struggling to locate the puck. Exhaustion may have been an excuse the Leafs could use, this being the back end of a back-to-back but Sparks was fresh as Spring morning so that didn’t extend to him. That said, the Leafs started on time and outplayed the Sabres in every category in the first except powerplay goals. Mind you, the Leafs have been in a bit of a funk lately and the fanbase is beginning to fire up the hot stoves for Mike Babcock’s firing. The funny thing is, they’re complaining about a lot of the stuff Sabres fans complain about Phil Housley about: player deployment, player minutes, roster choices… oh no, this is going to be another summer of courting hall-of-fame coaches isn’t it? HURRY, TO THE PEGULA JET! FIND QUENNVILLE’S HOUSE AND DROP MONEY ON IT! I DON’T WANT ANOTHER DAN BLYSMA, PLEASE! GENEROUS LOCAL PLUTOCRAT, PLEASE! I KNOW YOU CAN GIVE Q JUST AS MUCH MONEY IF NOT MORE THAN THE ENTIRE CANADIAN ECONOMY, DAMMIT!

Nonetheless, the Leafs funk was snapped out of in this game and they proceeded to put up another 19-shot period, this time scoring two goals. While the first period had a smattering of penalties that somehow the Sabres were the team to get something out of, the second period only had one and it was Zemgus Girgensons cross checking Nazem Kadri. I’m a Buffalo Sabres blog so by law I have to state what a little pest Kadri is. There you go. While I’m on it let’s just say if Girgensons scored as much as Kadri does I wouldn’t be thinking about what I can get for him in a summer trade. I’m just saying. That goes for you to, Risto. Poor Brandon Montour, showing off how great a pickup he was for the Sabres these last few games, he gets just bamboozled by Auston Matthews. You could see he didn’t realize it went in off his skate because he looked like a ghost had just given him a weggie. I’m not going to bring anymore light on his plight because once again, he’s been doing great. The feature of the second period I will bring to light is the almost goal William Nylander scored. John Tavares ended up getting credit for the second Leafs goal but for a moment it looked like it could’ve been Willie’s. Hold that image in your head as we fast forward to the third where we find noted brother of William Nylander, Alexander Nylander, getting a puck from VLADIMIR SOBOTKA, and absolutely drilling that one home from between the circles. If this game was going to be the Nylander bowl, which it is on this blog as long as it continues to feel like an unnecessarily lopsided matchup every time we face the Leafs, then fam, we have won. We won the Nylander bowl. Nylander < Nylander, obviously! Having already won the game with that goal, the Sabres pushed hard for the equalizer to perhaps force overtime and get their first back-to-back wins since November. By the time Zach Hyman scored the empty netter I was already popping bottles celebrating Buffalo’s first Nylander Bowl Title! All kidding aside, this game stung something mighty and ended up 4-2 Leafs. I literally cried in the shower.

Don’t worry, I was kidding about the shower. The good news is we have some fun speculation to talk about! I know I bit hard on the Duchene stuff and that didn’t come to pass but give me a break, the Sabres season is still active until I get back from seeing their last game in Detroit next month. Until then, I am going act like the championship can still be won with some key additions! To start out with Dave Poulin and Jeff O’Neill were having a little talk about Joel Quenneville on one of probably eight dozen hockey segments on Toronto radio stations the other day and they think Coach Q’s best option if he wants to return to coaching may just be Buffalo. All the stuff about whether or not Housley will get fired aside, is that something we want? I’ve talked about it hypothetically up until now but would the second winningest coach of all-time coming to Buffalo finally be the coaching solution we’ve been looking for since Lindy Ruff was shown the door back two millennium ago? There is certainly an argument and if it happened I can’t imagine Jason Botterill isn’t crafty enough a guy to A. work with him as now the smaller fish in the pond, and B. provide him with a good enough lineup to replicate some of the success he’s known for. I can imagine about half a dozen other options that don’t seem too bad either and also do something different than just bringing in the big Hall of Fame guy but its fun to speculate. This next rumor is all speculation backed up by zero experts… its actually more of a Play-a-GM kind of thing actually… what is the likelihood of Erik Karlsson? So: disclaimer; he’s not coming here, and that cap hit is probably not so bueno, but let’s imagine this low year he’s having with San Jose causes second thought and Karlsson leaves. He’s said he is proud of Rasmus Dahlin and loves the Swedish phenom, what if he mentored him like Ra’s al Ghul and Batman? Again, just saying. I saw some joking on twitter and it got me going. That’s what we’re here for: stupid fan shit like that.

So anyway: like, comment and share this blog around. I appreciate all you readers so much, whether you’ve been here all year or not. If you haven’t and you think it would be awesome to go back and read the win streak New Look Sabres posts than maybe use that time to share this with a friend instead; I did just that thing the other day and it made me sad. Speaking of things that make me sad: the Sabres have a chance to sweep the season series against the Montreal Canadiens on Saturday. Why does that make me sad? Well, we have now lost five straight games to the Leafs and it feels cheap to wipe out Montreal in a season series while not getting the Leafs the same way. It’s like going to the Duty-Free store on the border and getting Aunt Jemimah’s pancake syrup: you got all this Canadian around you and you take the crap! The only thing diminishes a season sweep of the Habs is getting swept on the season by the Leafs. I better end on a more positive note than that… Jeff Skinner hasn’t signed yet… SHIT!

Thanks for reading.

P.S. The Sabres getting a couple games in the “Global Series” in Stockholm, Sweden in November is pretty rad considering how much of this organization is Swedish now. On the other hand, I see all of us complaining about the travel and those games actually counting in the standings. Can we all resolve right now to just enjoy those games?

[makingbabyk]

November 26 2019

Today has been a day. The way it was scheduled was supposed to be thus: Work until 1pm, get to the clinic by 1:30pm in order to sign in for my tube test, then my counselling session was scheduled for 4:30pm, which was supposed to be that late since I was told I might not get out of the tube test until 3:30 or 4pm.

The tube test’s start at 2pm and are first come, first served. When I got there I was number 3 on the list, so I settled in and prepared to wait an hour. I was surprised to be called back just 20 minutes later, where I learned the Doc doing the test that day had had a cancellation and was going to start early, plus the two people ahead of me on the list weren’t in the clinic for some reason, so I got to go first.

The test was AWFUL. They put a catheter up to my cervix, inject a dye and insert a trans-vaginal ultrasound and take a look to see if the fallopian tubes are blocked or not. Pressure against the cervix hurts like a mofo, so the catheter was awful, and they had to inject dye a few different times which I could feel every time. They could see my left tube fine, it was completely clear. But the right tube they couldn’t really see, apparently it was hiding behind some part of my large intestine or something. Though they did say I had a really nice follicle maturing on the right side. 

After the test I got dressed and went to reception to find out where I had to go for my counselling session, and since it wasn’t even 2:30 at that point, I asked if they could check and see if the counsellor could get me in earlier. Thankfully Jan, the counsellor, was free right then so I only had to go down a floor and wait a few minutes before getting in to see her.

I was very nervous about that session, but she was lovely. I told her why I was going through this process, and we talked about my support network, what’s been going on in my life the last few years, the donor selection process. Everything. She seemed really happy with my answers and said she felt I was very well prepared for this process. She also encouraged me to attend a support group she runs for single folks having kids on their own. It meets the 4th Thursday of each month, so I’m going to try and go this week. It’ll be a good networking opportunity, and, according to Jan, it’s a great resource of like minded people. Apparently, they're a pretty close group and they even have a holiday social in January and a big party in August. I’m looking forward to checking it out. 

So now I’ve just got to wait until my follow up on December 4, where Dr Dv and I will go over the next steps and decide when to start. 

More to come….

December 5, 2019

So I went to the support group last week and it was wonderful. Everyone had something to say and a story to share. Lots of questions were asked and we were all able to give our perspectives, it was really great.

I have my follow up with Dr Dv yesterday and it went great. I got there about 10 minutes early and ended up waiting a bit for her, but just before she came and got me the counsellor, Jan, was walking through the clinic and stopped to chat with me. 

Then Dr. Dv came and we went back to her office to go over everything.

All of my results came back good. My AMH, which measures ovarian reserve, came back about mid range, which is good because being too high can mean you have PCOS (poly-cycstic Ovarian syndrome). My CBC was a bit wonky, which she thought might mean I didn’t drink enough water so we redid that test. And everything else was normal or at least expected based on my past physicals.

Then we went over my options and decided on a game plan. Basically we’re going with a medicated IUI. I’ll be taking Letrozole for 5 days during my cycle to encourage two follicles to mature, instead of the usual one. That will double my chances of one fertilizing. It also increases your chances of multiples, but, as she said, that change goes up to 7-15%, however in her time she hasn’t seen it in 5% of cases, so she’s not overly concerned. The goal is to for me to get pregnant within 3 cycles.

The other options were no drugs with IUI, which would mean less chance of pregnancy each cycle, and we’d probably try 6 cycles before re-evaluating. Or we could go straight to IVF, which she thought was extreme given my age. If I was closer to or over 40 she might recommend it, but she didn’t think it would be necessary.

The plan is to skip my next cycle, since that would probably put insemination right over Christmas, and start in January. Based on my calculations, but January cycle with start January 3 or 4 and then the schedule will be:

Day 2 or 3: go in for cycle monitoring. This will be bloodwork and ultrasound. Dr Dv will review the results that day and call me to tell me when I have to come in next and when to start taking Letrozole. 

Days 5-10: I need to go in to get the tube test done again. She wants to be able to see the tube they couldn’t see last time (my left one I think), she can’t do the insemination if the tube is blocked and that’s the side the egg will be released from that month. During this time I’ll probably have to go in every few days for cycle monitoring to see how things are progressing.

Day11+: Insemination sometime after day 10. I’ll continue to go in for cycle monitoring and when Dr Dv see the eggs are getting ready to release in the next day or two, she’ll call me and tell me when to come in for insemination.

After insemination there’s the dreaded two week wait before pregnancy testing (I believe that’s blood and another ultrasound) and I get to see if it worked. If it didn’t then we start all over again the next cycle.

It’s kinda crazy that this is going to happen so soon, yet January also feels so far away lol. I definitely don’t want to get started any sooner, but I’m glad it’s happening at the beginning of the month.

More to come…. 

December 7, 2019

I’ve been trying to put into words how I’m feeling, but the words aren’t coming. So to put it plainly…

I’m feeling anxious and maudlin, maybe because I’m sleep deprived

A lot of my high school friends who have kids that are already in school are posting about christmas and it’s making me ache for a baby

I’m terrified that I’m making a mistake doing this alone

I’m worried because it feels like this is happening to easily for me, and I honestly think it should be harder. But I also don’t want to borrow trouble so I’m trying to ignore that feeling, but it wasn’t helping. 

I’m debating going back to Jan, the counsellor, for another session. But I can’t seem to articulate my thoughts to myself, so I’m not confident in my ability to make sense to her.

On top of this I’m moving February 1 and the movers are going to run me about $600+, which is about 50% more than I paid last time. So that’s going to cut into my cash flow for cycles, but I guess that’s what credit cards and overtime is for. I’m going to work as much overtime the next two weeks as I can get away with, so I can bank as much cash as possible. It’s a bit of a mess, but I’m done my christmas shopping, so I should be able to control my expenses over the next couple of months much better. I mean, how much do I really need to eat? I’m joking, well I’m serious in that if I cut out junk food (aka take out) I’ll save myself a boatload of money. I’ve also got a freezer full of stuff I should eat before moving, and it’s much healthier than what I usually eat for lunch.

I’m rambling, so I’m gonna log out now.

More to come….

January 7, 2020

Christmas and New Years have come and gone. It was a busy holiday season on top of a busy period at work. But I was able to crank out some decent overtime, which will pay for my movers at the end of the month, and also pay off some credit card bills to make some room for the fertility bills

My period is due to start today, which means day 2 or 3 is coming soon, and with that comes my first cycle monitoring appointment. I’m excited and terrified still, but it honestly doesn’t seem real some days. 

My move is happening at the end of this month, and my promotion, which I’ve been waiting for since October, should come through this month as well. But I’m not really holding my breath on that one. It’ll happen when it happens. 

I’m trying to be a realist and remember that the likelihood of insemination working on the first try is slim to non existent, but I’m hopeful it’ll work within three. 

Not much else to report I guess

More to come… 

January 8, 2020

My period finally started today. It was due yesterday, but it’s been at least a day or two early the last three months, so I was expecting it earlier. But of course that means it would come late. 

Regardless, it’s here now and that means cycle monitoring starts. First visit is Friday. 

More to come…

January 9, 2020

I go for my first cycle monitoring appointment tomorrow. I’m fucking terrified. 

What if I got the days wrong?

What if the cycle doesn’t start until my period is done?

What if I forget to sign up on one of the clip-boards?

What if they see something weird on the ultrasound and refuse to inseminate me?

What if. 

What if..

What if... 

I’m a fucking mess. 

More to come… 

January 10, 2020 (7:05 am)

Cycle monitoring today. Got here at 6:30am and the door was locked. Another woman showed up and we waited outside for a few minutes for one of the techs who was able to let us in. Then it was a wait until 7am when the office doors were opened. 

Had to sign up on ultrasound, Dr Dv and blood work clipboards (I didn’t screw it up!) and then take a seat. I was first in line so I’m number one for ultrasound, two for the Dr Dv (she’s going to call me anyway) and three for bloodwork. 

Now to wait. 

(7:45am)

I was done inside 30 minutes. Told work I was going to be an hour later. Instead I’m 15 minutes early. Needless to say I’m giggling at my desk over the absurdity of it all. 

Dr Dv will give me a call later this morning to let me know when to come in next and if I should start my meds yet.

I also booked my 2nd tube test for January 14, which will be a bucket of fun I’m sure.

I did meet a couple of nice ladies in the line outside the office, one was a first timer like me, and the other is on her 2nd cycle. It felt good to recognize a couple of faces as I moved through the office.

(9:10am)

Oh, and I turned my ankle on a pothole in the middle of an intersection on my way to the clinic this morning, so my right ankle is screaming, my left wrist (from catching myself as I went down) aches and my left knee was scraped. And the system at work is down. Hopefully It’ll come back before the end of the day, we’re supposed to do OT tomorrow (Saturday).

It’s been a day folks. 

(10:20am)

Of course the doc called while I was in my daily meeting. 

Blood work was good. I’m going to start the meds today, I need to take them for 5 days. And I go back for the next cycle monitoring on Day 11, which is Saturday Jan 18. I’ll see Dr Dv that day and IUI should be within a few days of that. Got to try and remember to ask if I can pay admin fees early and what the process looks like on the IUI day. 

(4:05pm)

They system never came back up and OT for tomorrow is cancelled. Monday is gonna be an adventure for sure.

More to come…

January 11, 2020

So I haven't really updated about the rest of my life here. 

I move at the end of the month, currently the movers are booked for January 31, but I’m hoping to get that changed to January 29, the mover cost will go down by $30 an hour if I can get it 2 days earlier. I’m going to the co-op this coming wednesday so I can take some measurements for windows, I also want to take some pictures and get an idea on where the best place to park the moving truck is. I’m hoping the building has a service elevator and I won’t just have to use the main elevators. But I’m not counting on it. 

I’ve also been working on getting a promotion at work. It was supposed to come through in October but it didn’t. My manager just told me he was working on it. 

Well on New Years Eve I had a short conversation with him about leaving early, everyone else on the team had been bugging him about leaving 30 minutes early, at 4pm, but since 4pm is my regular end time i didn’t say anything. Until we got to 3:45pm and all my work was done, plus there was only a few end of day transactions left, so I asked if I could leave then and he told me I should stay and help my teammates finish their work. Needless to say I felt like he was saying I wasn’t a team player, and that really angered me. I ended up leaving at exactly 4pm without saying anything to anyone and it took a few days for me to calm down and not be so upset by it. After spending a couple of days thinking about it, I realized most of my anger was about my frustration over this promotion. So I went in and talked to him about it. I made sure to be clear that I was upset by the conversation we’d had, and he was very understanding. He appreciated me coming to him and apologized for what was mainly him not being clear and not really thinking about what I was asking for as a person, he was mostly focussed on the team as a whole. 

Then I explained my frustration over the promotion, and how it was mostly rooted in the fact that I didn’t know WHY it wasn’t happening. He explained that it was his and our directors fault, they were not being as quick as they should be in getting the new job description for my role completed. It’s annoying and very frustrating, but at least I know why, and it should be completely this month. Who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky and they’ll backdate it, though I’m not holding my breath. 

Over all it’s been an interesting start to the year and the rest of 2020 is probably going to be just as fun. 

More to come….

January 13, 2020

So this entry might not stay in, but I feel the need to get some stuff off my chest.

Let me start by saying that I understand that I made the decision to take this journey on my own. I am fully aware that I don’t have anyone else going to appointments with me, or anyone holding my hand when I have procedures done. 

But nonetheless I’m disappointed. When I’ve spoken about this taking this journey with other people, I’ve gotten a lot of excited and happy responses. Everyone has been thrilled for me, and seemed really impressed that I’m going for this on my own. But once the journey actually started… things changed.

Either the people who said they wanted to be there aren’t, or they don’t seem at all interested in the process. I feel like I’m doing a lot of talking, providing a lot of information, that no one is asking for. I’ve made no secret of when my doctors appointments are, but I never get “hey, how’d it go?” from the people who, previously, were the most excited about it. 

So I’ve made the choice to stop talking about it, unless you ask. I’m starting to feel selfish and like I’m giving you too much information that you don’t want, and that’s not fair to you, or a good feeling for me. 

Instead I’ll focus on chronicling my journey here, and sharing with my support group. And if people want to know, or come to me with “why haven’t I gotten an update?” I’ll tell them. 

But I can’t be the one who starts every conversation. I can’t be the one always doing the reaching out. 

I’m going to start being selfish in a different way, I’m going to start taking care of myself. If you want to know, ask. And if you don’t, well, don’t worry, I won’t bother you with my issues from now on.

More to come… 

January 14, 2020

Today was my second tube test. To say I wasn’t looking forward to it is an understatement but I needed to get it done since one tube was blocked from view last time. The Dr Dv won’t do IUI if she sees the egg is about to release on the side that they couldn’t get a view of. And they won’t know which side it is until IUI day so I’d end up wasting over $1000 if they couldn’t get a clear view. 

So I got off work at 1pm and headed to the clinic. I was signed in (number 1 on the list) at 1:20pm and settled in for what I’d hoped would only be a 40 minute wait. 

Needless to say, when it hit 2:40 and I was still waiting, I was less than impressed. 

The nurse called me around 2:50 and told me I needed to pee in a cup so they could confirm I wasn’t pregnant. Then she took me to the room where I got undressed. And then proceeded to wait another 30 minutes. Twice someone came in and told me the Dr was delayed, the second time I was less than polite in my reply. 

Dr L came in about 3:20. He was nice enough, for someone who didn’t feel the need to even introduce himself. But he told me everything he was doing before he did it, told I was doing really well, and was done in under 5 minutes. So I’ve forgiven him for making me wait so fucking long. 

Anyway, both tubes are clear! 

On Saturday I’ll go in for another cycle monitoring appointment and see Dr Dv that day. She’ll have a better idea of when IUI day will be at that point. 

Holy crap I could be getting inseminated this time next week. That’s crazy. 

Now it’s home to do a bit of packing and go to bed early. 

More to come….

January 18, 2020 (7:50am)

Cycle monitoring again today. Getting up at 6am on a Saturday to get blood drawn and an ultrasound up my vagina is not a fun way to start the weekend. 

Doesn’t help that my stomach is unimpressed with me. Not sure if that’s nerves or what. I’m feeling a bit bloated and cramps, which is weird for this point in my cycle. It could be I’m hyper aware of my body because of this process, or maybe it’s the drugs. Or maybe it all in my head. Who knows. 

(10:45am)

Just got home from the appointment. Dr Dv says I have two nice looking follicles. One at 17mm one at 19mm. She wants to give the 17mm one another day to grow so I have to go back tomorrow. 

So it’s another trip downtown tomorrow to check on that, and if I haven’t surged they’re going to give me a trigger shot to ensure I ovulate in the following 36 hours. Then Monday I’ll go in for another ultrasound and bloodwork followed by the IUI. 

I’m fucking terrified. 

(10:20pm)

I’m getting ready for bed and all the sudden I’m feeling very melancholy. I assume it’s the medication making me emotional, but honestly…. I’m having some doubt. I’m all alone. And even though I know I have people I could call if I need help, I’m unreasonably upset that I need to ask for it. 

I fully admit that this is my problem, and not anyone else’s. But that doesn’t stop me from wishing someone would call and ask how things are going. Offer to help. Or even just want to hang out.  

I guess I’ve always been a loner, and if there isn’t an event of some kind, I’m not really the person people call just to chill. I don't really know why. And maybe I’m too old to change. 

Going to head to bed and hope tomorrow morning has me feeling better about everything. 

Another 6am day for cycle monitoring. 

More to come…

January 19, 2020 (7:38am)

Another day. Another cycle monitoring. 

Not feeling much better this morning. But all I can do is power through. I know I’m making the right choices for me, so a little doubt isn’t going to stop the journey now. 

January 20, 2020 (7:25am)

I wasn’t really in the mood to update yesterday. It took most of the day for me to shake the funk I’d gotten into. 

My bloodwork and ultrasound were good. Then I waited for quite awhile to see a Dr. Dr Dv wasn’t in yesterday so I ended up seeing Dr B. He was very nice and took the time to explain what would happen next, which I appreciated considering how insane the clinic was yesterday morning. 

He confirmed IUI for today, and said I needed the trigger shot. 

So after talking to him I went and waited for a few more minutes for the nurse who took me back for the shot and then explained the IUI-day process even more. 

She then took me to reception to pay for the trigger shot ($108) and the IUI admin fee ($495) before I was free to go. 

I decided to take today as a personal day since I’m not sure what the day is going to be like and I’m not feeling 100%, mentally, still. 

I got here at 6:30 this morning and waited, as always, for the clinic to open. At 7am I signed in for ultrasound, blood and to see Dr Dv. Since I was so high on the lists I decided to wait until after they were done to head to andrology to sign and have my donor sperm thawed and prepped. 

Blood and ultrasound went fine and the signing was quick. So now I’m waiting for the Dr to call me back. I’m not sure if I’m meeting her before I go back to be inseminated or not. 

But I do know I’ve got an hour before anything happens. Thankfully they’ve got wifi and I brought a book. 

(8:38am)

It’s been just over an hour and now I’m getting nervous again. 

I really don’t want to do this alone. But I’ll power through. 

(9:49am)

I’m lying here for the ten minute wait. The insemination went well and after this I just have to get my suppositories from the nurse and go home. 

Facebook just told me it’s apparently blue Monday, the most depressing day of the year. Not gonna lie, I kinda like that this was my insemination date. 

(11:45am)

It honestly doesn’t feel real. I’ll be using progesterone suppositories until February 2, when I go in for a pregnancy test. 

The dreaded two week wait. 

Thankfully I’ll be busy with packing, moving and unpacking which should hopefully keep me distracted enough to not obsess over it all. 

We’ll see. 

More to come….

January 21, 2020

So the last couple of days have been a bit of a train wreck for me, emotionally. I’ve just been feeling very down, and having some doubts about pretty much everything. I also didn’t get nearly as much packing done as I wanted to this weekend. 

But yesterday a friend reached out and asked me how the day went. It helped me remember that there are some people who care about what I’m going through right now.

Okay, that’s not fair. I know all of my friends and family care, but I can tell they don’t know how to handle this process, so they’ve pretty much decided to stay hands off. Which is their choice. It’s just a bit isolating.

Anyway, I texted with K for a bit and went to bed feeling less alone that I had during the day. 

Got up this morning and it’s back into the work routine. Unfortunately I wasn’t the only person who took an unexpected day yesterday, so the workload is a bit of a mess. And I had to make it clear to the team that I wouldn’t be working any overtime until after my January 29 move day, because I have too much to do.

Now to power through the rest of the day and get some packing done when I get home.

The next 12 days are going to be interesting, that’s for sure.

More to come…