#we're not moving until june but I was looking at housing anyway

[kirby-the-gorb]

[stargazer-sims]

Journal Entry #59

Journal Entry #58 // STORY INDEX

Victor

We’ve been having an amazing summer.

Yeah, I know we’ve been neglecting our journal again, but in a way I feel like maybe we’re outgrowing it. We’ve been chronicling our life this way for over a year, and so much has changed for us in that time. So much has changed about us as well. We’re not the same people we were a year ago, and that’s a good thing.

I started this journal for fun because I wanted to do some travelling that wasn’t connected to a snowboarding competition, and I thought it'd be cool to document my adventures. I did get to go to Sulani, but in hindsight, now I see how unrealistic it was to think I’d be jetting frivolously all around the globe.

But, starting the journal wasn’t a wasted effort by any means. Looking back on it, it’s a reminder of how far Yuri and I have come, what we’ve learned and how we’ve grown as individuals and as a couple. I love us, and I'm proud of the progress we’ve made together.

It’s been interesting to share a part of our story with everyone, but I feel like we’re moving into a different stage of our life now. I don't know if we'll keep recording our journey like this in the future. We'll see.

Anyway, we're still doing it for now, so let me pick up where I left off back in June.

After Mom and Julian's wedding, Yuri and I had a few days together before he and his family returned to Japan. I had a great time showing them around, and I think Mr. and Mrs. Okamoto fell in love with Willow Creek a little bit, because they said they wanted to come back for a longer visit in the near future. Yuki's favourite thing was actually the amusement park in nearby Newcrest, and her parents really seemed to enjoy the scenic walking trails and the farmers market.

Before they left, Mr. Okamoto asked me if I'd like to stay with them when I returned to Mt. Komorebi instead of moving back into Uncle Kaz's house for what might end up being only a couple of months. My knee-jerk reaction was to say no, but I'm glad I managed to keep that to myself. The offer did make a lot of sense, after all. If Yuri and I both stayed with his parents, we wouldn't have to pay rent on top of our mortgage payment for the haunted house, and we could pack up the rest of our stuff so we'd be ready to leave whenever we reasonably could. I just didn't know how I'd feel, being in such close proximity to my in-laws for an extended period of time.

I told Mr. Okamoto I'd think about it and get back to him, and he seemed satisfied with that.

Grandpa Michael also hung around in Willow Creek for a while after the wedding. I said he could stay with me, but he declined, claiming the house would be too crowded with all Yuri's family members staying there too. I found that a little odd at first, until I discovered that he somehow managed to hook up with someone at the wedding and got invited to stay in her guest room for a few nights.

"She's a younger woman, and she’s hot," he told me confidentially. "Her name's Juliet. How about that?"

"Uh... how much younger are we talking?" I asked.

"She's sixty-six."

"Don't you think you're moving kinda fast? Like, sleeping over at her place after you literally just met her?"

"Listen," Grandpa Michael said. "At my age, you gotta move fast so you don't miss the good opportunities."

He's seventy-three. If he was in a contest for old people who move fast, he'd probably win a medal.

Still, he deserves to find happiness and have fun. It’s been seven years since my grandma passed away, and I’m pretty sure he’ll never stop loving her, but seven years is a long time to be alone if you’re used to being with somebody. If he feels like he's ready to get back into the dating scene, who am I to tell him not to?

When I met the aforementioned Juliet a couple days later, I totally understood the attraction. Although ‘hot’ wasn’t exactly the first word that sprang to mind, I could definitely see why Grandpa Michael would think so. She was elegant and confidently attractive in the way women are when they embrace aging with grace instead of engaging in a useless battle with it. I could easily imagine her being a knockout in her younger days. When she was my age, I bet she turned every head in every room she stepped into.

Beyond my initial impression of Juliet Picard, I was startled to realize I recognized her. She was the woman who'd been in charge of all the flowers for the wedding. Turns out she owns a florist shop called Hearts and Flowers, which happens to be down the street from Mom and Julian's clinic. Coincidentally, the flower shop also occupies the same building as the flat where Davian St-Jean, a friend of mine from high school, lives.

I used to say Willow Creek was the most boring place on Earth, that nothing ever happens there, but that's when I was viewing it through the eyes of a guy who thought events didn't have much meaning unless they were big and exciting and important to everyone. I was wrong about that. Sometimes the most seemingly insignificant thing carries the most weight.

A lot happens in Willow Creek. It's a town of connections, of opportunities small and large, the sort of place where a chance interaction could change the course of somebody's life in ways they might never have been able to imagine.

I mean, I was in Willow Creek when I met Yuri. Sitting alone in my sparsely -furnished unit at the Sage Estates apartment complex, scrolling through a forum for snowboarding enthusiasts, I had no idea I was going to see a photo of this impossibly cute Japanese boy doing a silly pose with his board. My impulsivity made me message him, and his curiosity made him message back. Prior to that day, if anyone had suggested I would meet my soulmate through a random encounter on the internet, I think I would've laughed out loud.

But now? Don't tell me stuff doesn't happen in Willow Creek. Dreams are born there, and nobody will ever convince me to change my mind about that again.

The day after Yuri and his family headed home, Grandpa Michael and I departed for Brindleton Bay. He returned his rented car, and then Juliet met us for breakfast and dropped us off at the bus station afterwards.

"I'll be back," he told her as we were about to board the bus, and I swear it was totally dramatic, like something out of a movie. He was dead serious, though, so I had to do my best not to laugh.

"I'll be looking forward to it," she said.

I reached into my bag and pulled out the keys to the house. "Here," I said, handing them to my grandpa. "Consider my place your place until Yuri and I come back. Feel free to use it any time."

He grinned at me, and for a split second I could've sworn I saw the face of a man half his age. "Thanks. I'm sure I'll enjoy that heated swimming pool, and your fabulous kitchen. I'll make myself at home."

"Go for it," I said. "Just don't use the red mug, and don't sleep in the basement bedroom."

Juliet raised an eyebrow. "What an odd thing to say."

"It's only odd if you don't know about the ghost," I told her.

"The ghost?"

"Victor's house is haunted," Grandpa Michael said cheerfully. "Cool, don't you think?"

"Really?" Juilet looked intrigued. "Well, I can't wait to see that."

"Victor, I presume I'm allowed to have houseguests?"

"Go for it," I said. "Far be it from me to cramp your style."

He winked at Juliet. "Heated swimming pool."

"Oh, lord..." she responded, but she was laughing. "I think I'll have to keep him, Victor. I wouldn't want to unleash him on anyone else."

"Consider me kept." Grandpa Michael put the keys into his own bag, and then gave me a thumbs up. "Just let me know when you're coming back. I'll make sure I'm there, so you can get in."

"Don't worry," I said. "Mom has the other set of keys. We'll be able to get in. I'll let her know you'll be coming and going, though. We don't want her to think somebody's trying to break into the place."

"Imagine explaining that to the police," he said, and the look on his face implied he'd very much enjoy stirring up a little trouble like that.

Mom says I'm just like Grandpa Michael. She's probably not wrong. Aside from sharing an almost obsessive passion for snow sports and being international competitors — he was a world champion slalom skiier back in the day — we have the same love for food, the same enjoyment of being with other people, the same sense of humour and, I think it's safe to say, the same impulse control issues.

I love him. I mean, I love my other grandparents too, but I think I have a deeper bond with Grandpa Michael than with the others. We get each other on a fundamental level.

We had a blast during the week I spent in Brindleton Bay with him. We passed a lot of our time at the local fitness center, and every morning we had tea and breakfast with his friends at a café in town. His friends are awesome, for the record. After the first day, I kind of forgot I was hanging out with guys in their seventies. One afternoon, we all played golf together, and on another day we went deep-sea fishing with one of the friends who owns a boat.

When we weren't socializing, we managed to get loads of yard work done, and we did plenty of cooking. Oh man... the cooking. It was so nice not to have to worry about ingredients and portion sizes and making sure everything had the right balance of protein and carbs. We cooked whatever we felt like having, and trust me, we had a lot of it. I'm pretty sure I've never eaten so much in a week in my entire life. With my belly full, I slept like a dead man every night, and it was absolutely satisfying.

On the evening before my flight back to Japan, Grandpa Michael and I were sitting on his back doorstep, drinking some fruit juice and staring out at the ocean. If I thought sunsets over the lake in Granite Falls were beautiful, let me tell you they've got nothing on sunsets over the ocean. The last time I'd seen anything like that, I'd been in Sulani, but somehow this was better. It wasn't that the sunset itself was any more gorgeous, but because I was seeing it with someone I care about and who I know cares about me.

"It's been a long time since I got to sit here and enjoy this with another person," my grandfather said, as if he were reading my thoughts.

"I'm glad I get to watch it with you."

"Me too," he said. "I hope you'll come back here more often, once you're all settled into your new home. Bring your husband too. He seems like a sweet little fellow."

I laughed at that, thinking about how Yuri would respond to being referred to as 'a sweet little fellow'. He'd probably love it, and I could picture him blushing.

"I will," I promised. "But I guess you'll be coming to Willow Creek more often now too, won’t you? So we'll have extra chances to see each other."

"Hmm..." Grandpa Michael leaned back in his chair and stretched his long legs out in front of him. "I never thought I'd find someone I wanted to be with after your grandmother. I didn't think I'd ever want to love anyone that way again, honestly, but I might have changed my mind."

"You think love at first sight is a thing?"

"No," he said. "You never want to say 'love' too quickly, but it's okay to think about it, and I've got a good feeling."

I smiled. "I'm really glad you met Juliet."

"So am I. She made me remember that being alive and living life aren't the same thing," he said. "You know, it's easy to give up on living when you feel like you've lost your reason to live. But, I think we forget that we've got more than one reason. There's more to live for than that one person or thing we lost."

I thought about Yuri. He'd been at his lowest point this past winter, and for a while I'd really been afraid that he'd given up on wanting to be alive, not just on living. Nothing I said or did seemed to matter, and it was scaring me more than anything else ever had. But then, just when I was wondering what would become of him, of us and the future we’d planned, his reminder to live came from the most unlikely source; his father.

If somebody asked me to guess who'd save Yuri in the end, I never would’ve predicted it’d be his dad. Their relationship was practically non-existent up until this year.

It’d taken some pretty horrible events to make them take the first tiny steps toward fixing their broken trust, but all the pain and suffering was worth it if Yuri and his dad learned how to communicate with each other. They’ve both found hope and renewed determination to make the most out of their time in the world, and I’m thankful.

Since March, their relationship has grown by leaps and bounds, and it's been truly amazing to observe. Yuri is happier than I've ever known him to be. He's looking forward, rather than being stuck in a bubble of self-pity and going nowhere. Even the smallest things seem to bring him joy now, and I can't even begin to describe how full my heart is over that.

I want this to last. I want him to be happy forever, and I don't even care if I'm not the catalyst. Seeing him happy makes me happy. The reason for it doesn't matter, as long as he's thriving.

Of course, I'm enough of a realist to get that it's not always going to be sunshine and strawberry milkshakes. Yuri's chronic illness will never go away, so it's inevitable that he'll have bad days or weeks. Plus, we're doubtless going to have to deal with difficult stuff that's completely unrelated to Yuri's health.

That having been said, I'm of the opinion that happiness is a state of being. Like, even if we're not constantly cheerful and we're navigating scary or unpleasant situations, we can still be happy. There's always something to be grateful for, always one more reason to keep on living, and that's what I want for Yuri. My wish for him is that he'll finally understand happiness is something he can choose for himself, and even if everything around him is dark and bitter, he can still find his own metaphorical sunshine and strawberry milkshakes on the inside.

When I shared that with Grandpa Michael, he told me he was proud of me and said I should be proud of myself too.

"You've grown up a lot since you've been away," he commented.

"Thanks. I've had a lot of people helping me."

"Other people can only get you so far. You have to want to do it."

"I don't know if I wanted to," I confessed. "Being an adult is hard. Part of me wishes I could just stay a kid forever, Know what I mean?"

"Believe it or not, I do," he said. "But you know what they say. You don't have to stop playing just because you're growing up."

With that in mind, I've made it my mission to get in as much playtime as possible this summer and to bring as many people along with me on my adventures as I can.

I made up my mind to stay with my in-laws when I got back to Mt. Komorebi, and I have no regrets. Yuri and I have been filling our days with all kinds of activities from long walks on the mountain trails, to visiting local museums and galleries, to picnic lunches by the lake near his parents' house. I returned in time for the Festival of Snow, and the whole family went to it together. We were out all day, and it was even more fun than last year.

A few weeks ago, Yuri and I took a weekend trip to Kyoto for shopping, sightseeing, and a classical music concert. Yuri convinced me to go back to the spa we went to on the day before we got married, and afterwards we bought dango from a street vendor and ate it in the little park where we had our wedding pictures taken.

We've been spending time with our friends as well, and it probably goes without saying that Sakura and I are training on the mountain as much as we’re reasonably able to. Last week, Yuri told me that he thought he was finally feeling strong enough to get back on his board, so I called Sakura and asked her if we could skip training for the day so I could take Yuri snowboarding. She sounded only too glad to oblige, and said she might come out to join us, if Yuri didn't mind. He said he didn't, so Sakura met us at the intermediate slope, and the three of us had one of the most wonderful mornings I've had in a long time.

Yuri was exhausted by the time we were done, but even more importantly, he was hungry. He practically begged me to take him to a local ramen house for his favourite meal of the moment, kake udon. That's a kind of mild noodle soup that can be served with different toppings like tofu, sliced fish or shrimp tempura. Yuri likes it with scallions and fish. He somehow talked me into buying him strawberry daifuku as well, and then he didn't even share them with me. Like... the nerve! When it became clear I wasn't going to get even a bite of one of his, I had to order my own. I pretended to protest, but I was secretly thrilled, if you really want to know.

Yuri's been doing so good with his eating that Dr. Kasongo thinks she might be able to remove his feeding tube by the end of the year. He officially finished the first phase of his nutrition rehabilitation therapy in mid-July, so that means no more food intelligence classes and no more weekly visits with the nutritionist and psychologist.

He's happy about not having to meet with the psychologist every single week, but he's nervous about not seeing the nutritionist as regularly. She's been like a safety net for him, I think. He had to be accountable to her, and now he's worried that he's not going to be able to do it without her encouraging, reminding, and occasionally scolding him about his food intake and eating choices. He's supposed to continue with his daily food diary, and at this point he's supposed to start planning his own weekly menu or at least contributing to the planning of a family menu. He has a short consultation with the nutritionist every two weeks, usually ten or fifteen minutes by video call, so he can go over his food diary and meal plans with her. It's nothing like his previous hour-long weekly in-person sessions, and he's stressed.

Everyone in the family is cheering him on, though. We all know he can do it.

His current goal is to go sixty consecutive days without a single tube feeding. That, and his general overall health, are the criteria for having the tube removed. He looked like he was about to panic when the doctor told him that, and on the way home from his appointment he cried while telling me he didn't think he was ready to go sixty days in a row.

"It's okay," I said. "If you're not ready yet, that's not a bad thing. Just do the best you can."

"But, I'll be delaying our move even more if I can't do this," he said.

"No, you won't. We've got the date for your first appointment with Dr. Kim now, don't forget. We can move any time between now and then, and if you still have your tube when we move, I'm sure Dr. Kim can take it out just as easily as Dr. Kasongo could."

As a matter of fact, he'd received the email from Dr. Kim, the gastroenterologist at Willow Creek Regional Hospital, just the day before we last saw Dr. Kasongo. Yuri's initial appointment with Dr. Kim is scheduled for the twenty-second of October. While I wanted to leave Japan before autumn, I had to acknowledge there really was no rush, and if we didn't get to Willow Creek until mid-October, that would still be fine.

When we got back to Yuri's parents' house, we told them all about how it'd gone with Dr. Kasongo. Mr. and Mrs. Okamoto agreed that it was okay if Yuri didn't think he was ready to commit to the sixty-day home stretch yet, but they also said they were confident in his ability.

Yuki, who had overheard part of the conversation, later offered the helpful suggestion of making a sticker chart. "So every day you go without formula, you get to put a sticker on it, and at the end, you get a big reward!"

I thought she meant the 'big reward' was having his tube taken out, but Yuki had something else in mind. She conspired with her mother to create the most fantastic sticker chart I've ever seen. They drew it on poster board, and blocked it with six rows of ten squares each. Every tenth square had 'reward' written on it, and the sixtieth square boldly proclaimed 'BIG REWARD!!!' in alternating yellow and pink letters, Yuri's favourite colours. They bought an assortment of stickers for him to use on it, including ones with pink ice cream, seashells, glittery rainbow stars, cute baby animals, and — to his obvious delight — sparkly musical instruments, including violins.

"Look at this, Yuri. We have a plan," his mother said, as she went about hanging the chart on the wall in the kitchen. "Whenever you're ready to start counting your sixty days, let me know, and I'll give you the stickers."

To my surprise, it was less than a week later when he told her he was ready to begin.

Today is the ninth of August. We're on day eight of the first ten days today, and the full sixty days will bring us up to the first of October. We’ll be sure to keep you informed about how it’s going, but so far, so good.

We're tentatively planning our move for the middle of September, and I'm cautiously optimistic. Everyone who's watching this, please wish us luck.

There are people who say luck isn't really a thing, and that we can only get ahead by persistence and hard work, but I think it's a combination of the two. Like, I think it's true that our own efforts and our determination to succeed is the real driving force, but who would ever say no to a serendipitous stroke of luck? Even the hardest worker needs a helping hand now and then, and I'm not too proud to accept a well-meant wish for good fortune and success.

[jandjsalmon]

2023 FFRC - April 🌷

It's finally hammock weather in Western Canada, folks! And we've been enjoying watching the hockey playoffs from the patio entertainment area we set up once the snow melted - well, I don't know if the word "enjoying" should be used when the team we hate most in the world is moving on to the 2nd round - but it's been exciting anyway.

We've also been sick at our house for most of the month but we're finally starting to come out of it. My Bethy still sounds like Miley Cyrus when she talks - but other than some low-key coughs, she's no longer down with a fever, so we're happy about that.

Continuing along - it's rugby season - so that means a lot of driving to away games to cheer on the Spartans (which means a LOT of reading). I've read more this month than I have ever read. I was also really focused on finishing up the 'extreme' tasks at the @fanfic-reading-challenge - and I finished a few days ago. I'll keep going until I've completed all the tasks in the challenge but I can do that over the course of the rest of the year. 🎉

Below the cut are my stats and some fun fic recs for you. Enjoy!

April 2023

So as you can see, this month I read 2.3 million words, cracking over 7 mill total - and read 922 chapters (of various lengths), and 107 full (and sometimes long) stories. I was working on some fandom challenges and let me tell you - it was harder than it looked!

As for my recs for you! Try these - you might enjoy them. 🖤🖤

--*--

Wonderwall by junkpuppet225 (Carmy/OC - M 11/11)

Summary: Carmy meets Mia at a Al-Anon meeting. She’s going through a similar situation and they become friends. Can he get out of his own head long enough to embrace the feelings he’s starting to have for her or will living in his brothers shadow cause him to miss out on a chance at love? Carmy/OC

Why you should read: THE BEAR FANFICTION! I'm not a Carmy/Sydney fangirl and that is what this fandom is saturated with, so I was HAPPY to find that someone wrote a story where Carmy meets a girl at an meeting and they just GET each other. And neither one is a perfect human - she doesn't SAVE him from himself or anything. They just bear each other's burdens and are THERE for eachother. This is just gorgeous.

--*--

Hello, Sunshine by Wonderlandleighleigh (Lenny/Midge - M 20/20)

Summary: It's June of 1962, and to celebrate being a year clean, Lenny rents a little house in Malibu, inviting Midge to join him.

Why you should read: I got back on my nonsense with the season premiere of TMMM and since I got 3 minutes of Lenny and now have to wait like 8 episodes to see him again, I thought I'd reread old favourites. This one is set post S4 sometime in the future - when Lenny has been in rehab and wants to make things right with Midge. It's SO good and captures their characters perfectly and makes me want to sit on the beach with good friends (and a handsome Jewish comic).

--*--

Love in the Time of Quarantine by @melanoradrood (Neville/Pansy - E 5/5)

Summary: a case study on what happens when a bratty sub spends eighteen months in quarantine and gets so desperate she will have sex with the shy boy from boarding school that promises her orgasms. aka muggle panville tinder au during the great panini

Why you should read: FIRSTLY - Neville is one of my most favourite characters in all of Potterdom and I wanted him to be happy almost from the very first moment we met him. Secondly - it's funny. Hot and funny and sweet. I mean, Neville wants to save her dying(dead) plants that happened to be in the back of her tinder pictures. He's a delight. And this fic is also a delight. You should read it!

--*--

The Raven - For the Rare and Radiant Maiden Series by @drollicpixiefanfic (Wenvier - E 3 fics)

Summary: Xavier Thorpe didn’t exactly expect Wednesday to use the cell phone he purchased for her. It was a ridiculous idea, a whim, a fancy. But something had compelled him to try. So, it was with some shock, two weeks into their break from Nevermore, that Xavier’s phone buzzed on his nightstand.

Why you should read: I'm certain I rec'd this before - but now there is a third story that came out this month (and IT IS AMAZING) - so I could just rec that third story, or I could link you to the whole thing and make you reread it (just like I did). Post season 1 - kinky hot but super tender as well. Funny. Just lovely. and I'm never going to complain about a Xavier PoV. He's my fave. Read this one - if you're not into Wenvier yet, make this your first foray. Come ship with me!

--*--

ANYWAY - I'm always looking for new fic recommendations, so if you have any stories you think I'll love (whether you wrote them or your friend wrote them or you came upon them accidentally), please drop me a line or send me a dm. I've found SO many awesome fics through recommendations from others. I'll read almost any pairing and any fandom. Shoot me a link!🖤

(lastly- I'm a little bit in love with this gif of Xavier waving - and I've been purposely flooding my dashboard with Percy for reasons - so the wave might become a theme for my year - have you seen my new tumblr layout? I'm kinda in love with it. SO pretty).

Anyway -👋🏼 Hiya -I'm happy you're here! I hope you have a wonderful May and I'll see you back here in a few weeks! Happy reading! 🖤

[biblicallyaccuratechicken]

Longpost that summarizes an old rant I saved a while back.

[context: i was watching a yt video released last June about pride and the issues with it (particularly that year) and had been thinking lately about the US school system. the following is an edited version of the comment i typed out, decided not to post because it was too long, and saved on a document to collect dust]

I think, if someone gets their personal validation from a tshirt or a series of colors, there must be some issue there other than "that the person isn't the same as everyone else."

An issue that I see a lot in the queer community, at least the younger part of it in (particularly northern) America, is that they're so busy putting on a show and "living their truth" that they've forgotten what it means to have to truly suffer for that truth (i.e. the mother crying in public and online because people moved the location of what she considered was her child's gender identity, which was most likely impermanent anyway, when just decades ago, and even still today, American children were sorely beaten and/or thrown out of the house for being queer in any way; just decades ago, the word "queer" was a hateful slur, and still today, there are people who are genuinely afraid of me just for being subtly queer). I think both wings, left and right, are keeping us like babies, doing everything they can to divert our attention from real issues, and keep us from maturing enough to see how wrong they are regarding these issues--and desperate people who don't know where else to turn, or how, are eating it up like the slop it is.

My thoughts always return to the US education system, and how much the media is allowed to overcome what little we're taught in the way of critical thinking and ethics. We're stuffed into a place we don't want to be, with adults who think it's their jobs to parent us however they like, teaching us things that don’t fit into a long enough timeframe or in ways that aren't flexible enough for everyone to learn, until either our 13 years are up or we quit. We're assured that we'll make nothing of our lives if we don't finish, and then when we do we're assured the same if we don't fork over thousands of dollars for some piece of paper no one looks at anyway and 2+ years of wasted time.

In what could possibly turn out to be 21 years of our lives (if we don't fail a year or two), we learn very little about actual life skills and critical, abstract thinking--unless we're already "gifted" enough to already be thinking critically and abstractly anyways. Those of us who have already figured that out then get bogged down with work, burn out early, and hate ourselves for an undetermined amount of time while our "less intelligent" friends (whom we know to be wonderful and equal) go to college, get married, have kids, and build careers. We know we could be better; it's what we've been told all our lives. That whispering shadow follows us around, saying things like, "It should've been you," "Why aren't you like that?" and "You're such a failure."

And for the kids who don't figure it out, well fuck them I guess, it just means more sheep who will follow every sentimental word the media says. Why bother teaching people who don't care to learn, even though the reason they don't care is because the adults didn't first? Conflict is good actually, division is good actually, arguing is good actually, war is good actually. Why? Because, uh, wait, nope, we're only allowed to teach that reason to the Gifted kids. Shoulda studied harder! Have some food stamps.

I know a lot of right-wing bigots compare the lives we live with the ones presented in George Orwell's book, 1984. That's why I always encourage people to read it for themselves. These guys might be overexaggerating some things, but, like everyone involved in this whole debate about what we're going to do next, they have a point. The manner in which the government is raising our children, the way kids often hate their loving parents for no reason other than "it's what I'm supposed to be doing at this age," or "because it's cool." Our hearts being directed by outside forces towards the wrong things, like patriotism or cheap Pride merch. The many who don't know better. The few who do being too exhausted or busied to do anything real about it.

The worst part for me is knowing that no matter how much I think about it, no matter how much I talk about it, I can't put a dent in the zeitgeist. And thinking and talking is all that I, a cherished Gifted kid, ever learned how to do, so what now? All the work ethic, all the valuing of human life and rights, mean nothing if I can’t do anything.

They teach the Gifted how to think, and the "normal" people learn how to do things on their own because they have no choice. 

If only I’d been born into an abusive home, I catch myself thinking. If only I’d never known how smart I am. Then, maybe, I would be able to do something. Maybe I’d have been able to make myself move on my own, proactively instead of reactively. Maybe I’d’ve taught myself taxes, and how to stay at a sucky job. Maybe I’d’ve proactively used a knife instead of my fingernails. Maybe I’d’ve stabbed instead of slashed. Maybe I’d’ve done heroin. Maybe I’d’ve walked into traffic. Maybe I’d’ve tied myself to a bag of heavy rocks and jumped into the river, to finally feel that cool, delicious, watery peace. Maybe I’d have a knife kink instead of a rope one. Blood instead of burn. Death instead of imprisonment. Yandere instead of tsundere. Hate instead of lust.

And I would be no better off than the normal kids.

[radiatinggarlic]

2022 year in review-garden

This year's gardening efforts were mostly rubbish but there were a handful of highlights that keep me moivated on figuring out this thing called gardening. A late frost/cold snap zapped the Mexican Plum blossoms, killing any chance of fall jelly expermentation. Also, no early food source for the local pollinators(primarily bees and moths in years past)

After 4 years(or is it 3?) the Carolina Jessamine gave us its first and only blooms. We're gonna get there baby! Next March, we'll get 5!

And looping back to the Plum tree situation, there was a delay of the spring wildflowers this year and the bees were h0ngry, so I fed a smol swarm for roughly a week until the wildflowers finally showed up. No small feat, as I am v scared of stinging insects, but I am a sucker for a charity case so I couldn't just let them continue to struggle with the hummingbird feeders.

Gave up the good fight on forcing back the Heavenly Bamboo, in order to make a bird, bee, and butterfly garden in the middle of the backyard. Transplanted the Sweet Williams and Butterfly Bush to the house beds until the H.B. can be properly erradicated. Got some random annuals to fill in the vast empty bed spaces, honorable mentions for the Snapdragon and Dusty Miller who both just THRIVED. C got 2 zucchini plants for me and a jalapeño for himself, also placed in the house beds. I planted basil as well as having a go at a potted tomato. There was a whim purchase of 3 $10 rosebushes, two in the front bed (to replace the two that had died) and one by the back patio. Things were looking promising at the end of March/beginning of April.

Mid-April brought the Antelope-horn Milkweed back along with some new friends. There were eight total Monarch caterpillars who Eric Carle-ed their way through our humble milkweed before pupating all over the place.

Under a zucchini leaf was my personal fave pupation spot.

And then they emerged and did their butterfly thing. Backyard magic!

The Star Jasmine also gave us its first flowers after 3 or 4 years(planted the same day as the Carolina Jessamine).

Come June 1st, I harvested the first zucchini and I was ready for it. I love growing zukes. They are so damn hardy and it's a plant I've never had issues growing. I regularly have to shred and freeze my harvests because I can't keep up consuming them. I really love zucchini.

And then... the heat came. 100 degrees. Daily. For months. And yes, it's Texas. There is an expectation of hot, hot temps and little to no rainfall and watering with a hose here does nothing because the water is dreck. And so, the zucchini plants withered and died. The butterfly bush became crunchy, which I am still seeking to understand. C bought me another butterfly bush to cheer me up, and it also crunchified. I am hoping that they may return come the spring, though. Most of the annuals shriveled, withered, and passed. The rose bush by the patio kicked it. The Plum tree's leaves burned. C's jalapeño just kind of hung out, no flowers, no fruit, grew to 2.5 feet.

Looking back, I'm going to say the single most frustrating plant this year was the tomato. C kept undermining the way I was caring for it, watering and fertilizing after I had already done so. Moving it so that it could get "more sun". It didn't need more sun... anyway, this fucking tomato grew taller than me (5'6") and made a handful of flowers and didn't do much else. At some point, mid-July I think, the receptionist at my veterinarian's office mentioned an old wive's tale of getting a broom and(gently) smacking the top of the tomato plant, in order for it to start producing fruit. When I got home I said, "fuck it, why not?" And I'll be damned if it didn't start fruiting.

and that's it. The tomato harvest for 2022. As it turns out, tomatoes won't fruit if it's too hot, so a whole lot of unecessary labor and couple bickering for naught.

The basil put everything to shame by just g r o w i n g. I truly thought I was going to be struggling with this dude but it just kept chugging along, busting out branch after branch of delicious leaves. And I was checking on it everyday at sunrise to make sure there are no flowers because I have a habit of letting things bolt, and also, you know, everything else was deadsies. Frankly, if we hadn't received an early cold snap last month I think basil would still be rolling merrily along. I'm really hoping that it survives the winter and comes back.

Finally, the established fruit and nut trees and bushes suffered hard through the drought and heat. The dewberries burned and shriveled. The peaches looked okay at first but then stalled midway through growing. Come harvest time they were still small and green. Eventually, in August, they dropped and the local opposums and maybe the armadillos ate all but the pits. The figs seemed fine until it came time for the fruit to do their final plump out and instead shrank back and dropped to the ground. Another disappointment, as I wanted to experiment with making fig crumbles. The drought caused the pecan trees to opt out of producing any nuts this year. C impulse bought 3 trees for the "orchard"("they were on sale!"), so we added a banana tree that you can't even tell was planted, a loquat with shriveled crunchy leaves because they hate heat over 80, and another fig that looked lovely but once transplanted went into shock and dropped it's leaves.

Other work done: Chopped down Heavenly Bamboo in front bed. Fought to pull out as much of the root ball as possible (not much) and put down cardboard and landscape fabric in a bid to stop it from coming back. I'm mostly winning? I've had to go back in and remove some persistent spots and am due to do that again, actually. I also put down cardboard and a thick layer of leaf litter in the crape myrtle bed. Once I buy and put out some soil I will plop some landscape fabric on top, let that bitch percolate, and then (hopefully) next fall cram it full of bulbs and ferns. It's a nice bed but I much rather spend time in my backyard, than the front, so a set it and forget it bed would be preferable. I'm also going to try and bring back

[jjmaybanksbaby]

Where It Leads (Rafe Cameron)

Summer II

Part 04: I Should Just Tell You To Leave

series masterlist | previous part

summary: Against your better judgement, you seek out Rafe to talk about the Fourth of July party but things inevitably spiral. 

a/n: I don’t really have anything to add!! Enjoy the angst! :))

word count: 2.2k words

The warm Outer Banks sun streamed into your room waking you from your sleep like a subtle alarm clock. The sounds of the air conditioning whirling away in the background was the only noise filling the mostly quiet house. You rolled over in your bed and finding a cool spot drifted back to sleep.

This time the loud chimes of the front door bell pulled you out of your slumber. You sat up onto your elbows curiously. No one ever ringed your door bell except for the delivery person and never this early in the day. A pair of footsteps padded across the foyer to the front door and your mom’s familiar voice echoed through the house moments later.

With your door closed, the conversations was muffled and you could only make out pieces of it.

She didn’t just say “Cameron,” did she? You wondered.

You were surely just being paranoid. It had only been two days since everything that had happened on the Fourth and your brain felt scrambled from overthinking just about every detail of that night.

Your curiosity officially got the best of you and you slipped out of your bed, quietly as not to make any of the floorboards creak in the old house. You cracked open your bedroom door just enough to hopefully steal a glance at the front door but your mom's figure was blocking the face of whoever she was talking to.

The voice though. It sounded so familiar, like you should have been able to place it.

You watched from your bedroom as your mom stepped forward and gave the other person a hug, bringing their face into perfect view.

It was Ward Cameron. What was he doing here?

You watched your mom exchange a few more worlds and close the door behind him. You slide your feet into a pair of throughly-worn through slippers and stepped out of your bedroom.

Your mom was still standing at the bottom of the stairs tapping away at her phone. You wanted to ask her about Ward but you couldn't give away that you had been eavesdropping.

"Morning mom," you said, kissing her cheek, your eyes fluttering down to her phone screen. Her text with your dad were pulled up but it didn't look like anything important. "What’s for breakfast?"

"There's some bagels on the counter,” she replied, not looking up from her phone.

"Okay," you paused. "Was someone at the door?" You asked, hoping your mom missed the eagerness of your question.

"Oh, just Mr. Cameron." She said.

"Ward?"

"Mmmhmm."

"What did he want?" You pushed.

"He's helping us with Midsummers,” she replied.

Midsummers? You thoughts. Isn't that usually in June?

"I thought Midsummers already happened this year."

Your mom sighed and you could pick up on her slight annoyance with your questioning.

"It was. He's helping us with next summer. The board sends out invites the August before."

The bulk of your mom's statement went over your head except for two words: next summer. As in you would for sure be back in the Outer Banks next summer.

"Isn't Nonna already a member of the Club?"

“Yes, she is. But Midsummer is put on through the Island Club which an even more exclusive part of the Club. Our family used to be a part of it when I younger. Ward's helping us get back in."

"I thought our family didn't like the Camerons?" The words were out of your mouth before you realized how it might sound.

Your mom finally looked up from her phone at you. "Why would you think that?"

"Oh," you paused, unsure how to proceed exactly. "Nonna said Mr. Cameron broke your heart your senior year of high school," you said hesitantly. "She said you were so upset you didn't talk to her for like two years.”

Your mom scoffed. "Your Nonna is always so dramatic. That's where your older sister gets it from. My mother told me she wouldn't pay for my college if I followed Ward to UNC. I guess she didn't realize I wanted to go to the west coast for college anyway and was going to break up with Ward when he was home over Thanksgiving break. Things with Ward didn't end with any bad blood, contrary to my mother’s belief. She’s never liked the Camerons for some reason but that's just her."

"So then we're going next summer? To Midsummers?"

"That's what I'm trying to make happen." Your mother went back to typing furiously on her phone.

"And the Camerons go ever summer?” You asked. Your mind defied you, conjuring up an image of Rafe waltzing into Midsummers in a perfectly tailored suit with a matching baby blue bow tie that made his eyes pop.

"What's with the sudden interest in a party?" Your mother asked back.

You forced the corners of your mouth up into a casual smile. "No reason. I'm going to eat breakfast." You quickly disappeared down the hallway before you gave yourself away.

☼☼☼

You hummed along softly to the music coming from your phone as you ran a straightening iron through your thick hair. The summer humidity made it a disaster to deal with. You knew two minutes outside would send it right back into looking like an untamed mess but most mornings you still stood in front of the mirror straightening it anyway.

Your phone which was sitting on the counter to your right buzzed with a new notification. You picked it up and unlocked it. There were two unread text sitting in your messages: one from your dad and another from an unknown number. You opened the second one.

Hey y/n! It's Cleo. Have you heard from Rafe recently? He's been acting weird and ghosting on our plans. I realized I had your number so I figured I'd shoot you a text and ask!!

You reread the text from Cleo before switching to your messages with Sarah.

y/n: Do you know where your brother is?

s: he's in his room moping i'm guessing for the same reason i couldn't find you after the fireworks

y/n: Sorry about that. How about I'll buy you ice cream this week and make it up to you?

You paused for a moment before typing out your next message.

y/n: Do you think I could come talk to him?

s: go for it

s: and i like mint chocolate chip with sprinkles :)

☼☼☼

You stood on the Cameron's front porch, not sure if you should knock or just walk inside. You settled on knocking and seconds later the door swung open revealing a younger-looking blonde woman holding a stemless wine glass with thick gold hoods hanging from her ears.

"Hi," you said, feeling like coming here might have been a very bad idea. "Um, is Rafe home?"

She glanced over her shoulder. "Yeah, yeah he is. Who are you again?"

"I'm y/n, one of his friends. Sarah said I could stop by."

She stepped back opening the door wider. "Sure, come in. I'm Rose. Rafe's in his room."

"Thank you," you said, stepping into the house. A sweeping staircase climbed up to the second floor. "Up here?" You asked.

"Mmmhmm." Rose nodded, bringing her wine glass up to her lips.

You walked slowly down the long hallway, most of the doors were closed except for one at the end.

You saw Rafe before he saw you. He was sitting in his unmade bed pushed into the corner of the room, only the light from the video games on the tv illuminating the space. You raise your first and knocked lightly on his doorframe, his attention snapping up to you.

You lingered in his doorway. Crossing into Rafe's room felt like it should mean something, you wanted it to mean something. His eyes were glued to the floor, watching your hesitant movements. You took a small step forward. He went back to the game, unpausing it, his fingers flying across the controller, no longer focused on you.

“Hey, I think we should talk,” you said as you crossed the room until you were just few feet away from him. When he didn’t move his gaze from the tv, you glanced around his room looking nervously, unsure where to rest your own eyes. The room was so distinctively his. Everything fit together in a way that made sense and the years he had spent growing up in it were obvious.

“Does your boyfriend know that you’re here?” He snapped back.

You ignored his comment, pressing on. “Sarah said you were moping.”

“Sarah says a lot of things.”

“Rafe.”

“Y/n.”

“Jesus, why are being such an asshole? Are you even gonna look at me?”

You expected your comment to earn you at least a glance in your direction but his head stayed firmly facing forward.

You stepped in front of the tv, forcing him to meet your stare.

“I’m sorry Rafe. I should have told you about Evan earlier. Or made it clearer.” You stumble on your words. The air in the room was hot. The words in your throat felt sticky like it was taking everything in you to get them out.

Rafe stood up from where he was sitting on his bed. Before you realized what he was doing, he was standing in front of you, his arm slipping behind your waist, pull you in until you had to place a hand on his chest to keep some distance between you. God, you cursed the way your body instinctively arched against his, the two of you fitting together like you were perfectly shaped for each other.

“I’m not an asshole,” he growled, his voice lower than you had ever heard it. “Because an asshole would kiss you right now even thought you’ve made it very clear you’re not available to be kissed.”

He looked down at you, his lips no more than two inches from yours. If you tilted your head up anymore your lips might land on his.

He lowered his head to whisper in your ear.

“And to be very clear, I would fucking love to be kissing you right now,” he paused, not moving his mouth from next to your ear. “Actually, I’d like to do a little more than just kiss you, sweetheart.”

A deep blush spread across your face. You whole body responded to his words.

Rafe took a sudden step back, releasing you from his grip. “So you can either call up your boyfriend and tell him you’re over and kiss me like I can tell you want to. Or don’t and leave.” Rafe crossed his arms in front of his body, his tshirt straining against his biceps muscles. How had you never noticed just how built he was? You tried to shake off the feeling of being pressed against him, held in place by his strong arms.

Your phone felt heavy in back pockets, weighting you down. “Rafe, you know I can’t do that. I can’t just pick you or him.”

“I’m not gonna be some side piece y/n. And I’m sure as hell not gonna share you with some kid who probably doesn’t deserve the time of day from you, much less to be your boyfriend. You have thirty seconds. Make a choice.”

“We’ve been together 6 months...7 next week.” You blabbed, practically pleading with him. You hated to hear the words Rafe was saying because you knew they were every bit true. You couldn’t have both boys. But if you were being honest with yourself: you didn’t want them both.

Rafe Cameron was intoxicating. He made your brain swirl and held your whole damn emotions hostage. You should have known after he’d gotten you into a car crash the first night you’d met that he’d end up tearing you apart in every way. Not to mention your own grandmother had quite clearly warned you to stay away from him. But something about his beautiful face made you cling to him and welcome your downfall.

Your eyes danced from Rafe’s lips up to meet his glare. You could see him counting down the seconds behind his stare.

10...9...8...

It was all moving too fast. You couldn’t think. You couldn’t breathe.

7...6...

But hadn’t you known coming here would lead to this? A part of you did. You knew the second you walked into the big Cameron house with the shiny marble floors you weren’t gonna leave it any bit the same.

5...4...

The voice in your head was screaming at you to walk away. You didn’t hurt people and Rafe was right: staying here would hurt Evan and it would hurt you just as much, maybe more. The voice yelled at you to get out. Run away from trouble back to Evan who wouldn’t ever hurt you. Back to your perfectly nice boyfriend.

3...

But no matter how loud or persistent that voice telling you to leave was, it couldn’t shut up the part of your brain pushing you to take what you really wanted. The boy you really wanted. The boy standing in front of you.

2...

You spun on your heel and kept your eyes down as you across the threshold of Rafe’s room back into the hallway.

1...

Rafe’s door closed behind you with a definitive click. That was it. He’d told you to pick and you had. There was no going back. No do-overs.

You stood frozen in the Cameron’s hallway, blinked away the tears threatening to spill down your face, trying to reassure yourself of your decision.

Your life would be easier without Rafe Cameron crowding your thoughts, you told yourself. Evan was the safe choice, he was good for you.

You let your legs carry you down the grand staircase and out of the front door of the Cameron’s house. There you were, for the second time in a week, fleeing from Rafe Cameron with your heart in the kind of pain that just might actually kill you.

taglist! @oreoenthusiast13 [drop a ☀️ in my inbox or messages if you want to be added]

[coast2coastcreative]

Let's start with a history. I grew up in BC. Loved the ocean. Wanted to be a marine biologist. The whole 9 yards. But, life didn't turn out that way. Instead, just before my 21st birthday, I ended up facing homelessness and moved to Ontario, hoping to find more job prospects. Well, I found that, plus a husband (eventually). We did some post secondary education, had 4 boys, and then moved to Montreal for work. Never thought I'd end up in Quebec. Wish I never had. I'll just say it wasn't good for any of us and leave it at that. Anyway, in October 2019 we took a road trip to see the Maritimes. We'd never been there before and since we were homeschooling we thought we'd go off-season and avoid the crowds. Best decision ever. It. Was. Gorgeous. The leaves were all changing colour but hadnt started falling yet, so every drive we took (and there was a lot of driving. We saw as much as we could over just one week.) was absolutely breathtaking.

Back in Montreal, we had to decide between moving in 2020, or trying for one more baby (hopefully a girl this time). I didn't want to move while pregnant (BTDT) and didn't want to put off a baby until I was nearly 40, so we decided baby first, then move. Well, Christmas morning we got the good news that I was pregnant already. And then the pandemic hit. So, we hid in our home, not knowing what covid would do to a pregnant woman or the baby, and then after giving birth (to our 5th boy) trying to keep him safe from everything.

We had a deadline though. Homeschooling in Quebec was getting harder and harder as the government put pressure on parents to educate their children the "right" way (i.e. their way. No room for change if your children have different interests, strengths, disabilities, etc). Even in the pandemic, with children being forced to go to school in buildings with failing air systems and very little options for kids with compromised immune systems or high risk family members at home, the government still kept putting more pressure than ever on us. I knew that in the 2021-2022 school year, they would be implementing mandatory exams (ensuring we followed their curriculum to the letter), so we needed to move before then. And if we could move before June 15, 2021 then I wouldn't have to submit the year end reports (which can be dozens of pages long for each child, and I had 3 to report for, while taking care of a newborn). I looked at the Ontario housing market and knew immediately it was still out of our league. But the Maritimes? That we could do. I got a realtor, a mortgage specialist, and started searching. We found an amazing home and put in an offer, but it was priced to be very competitive and we lost out. But the next home we put an offer on was accepted! We had our home! And then Nova Scotia closed its borders a few days later. Ugh. Luckily we didn't have to change our closing date, and we were able to get into our new home on time, after a 15 hour drive with our 5 kids and 3 cats piled into the back with as much stuff as we could fit in. (The moving truck came a couple days before so we had enough stuff to keep us going without our possessions.)

So, now we're here! We finished our quarantine and have started to do a little exploring. And I've started to do some redecorating. I thought some people might be interested in the before and after, or the process,so I'm here. I hope you get something out of it 😊

And since I can't figure out how to delete pictures from here yet, here's some of the before!

[guigz1-coldwar]

'Thinking good' : New chapter for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out !

"Thinking good"

"I just want to spend a lot of good moments like this with you without thinking of work."

Chapter Summary : It's now time for Yirina to enjoy her life back in London with Park, Zasha & Portnova until her & Park got reassigned on the field, it's only time to be thinking good.....

Link of the Picrew used !

To read it on AO3, click here!

Words : +3000

Taglist : @snowgoldwaylon , @clxudtea , @efingart

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

June 20th, it's been now three days that we were back in London to stay there for almost a month until we got reassigned to return to the field along with Woods, Sims & the others. Now, I & Park were going to enjoy the peace away from the fight while now doing a desk job for that large amount of time and it was all perfect for us since we weren't alone with Zasha & Portnova. We were now living all together in Zasha's apartment, having been given a friend's bedroom for us and it's very good...far better than the previous beds I slept on.

During those three days, the ambiance in the apartment was perfect, everyone sharing numerous tasks: preparing the table for dinner, cleaning the dishes, the apartment and when we weren't busy, we either took some rest, watch the TV for the rest of the day. Of course, I & Park weren't on full vacations and we had to go to work at Century House to stay active on the fight against Perseus, receiving updates from the others in Verdansk about the situation and us, still trying to find anything useful against Perseus and his men.

"Excuse me, miss Grigoriev ?" Someone called me out as I was going to bring up two cups of coffee from the coffee machine at the end of the afternoon for myself & Park.

"Yes ?" I stopped myself, holding the two cups to see who was talking to me: it was Sarah McGrath, one of the women working in Zasha's cryptographer's team, she was nice to talk with along with everyone else in here.

"I need some help about a transmission I have intercepted." She said, handing me a piece of paper with her left hand.

"Wait, let me put those somewhere good." I insisted, showcasing the two cups in my hands as I moved to get them on a table nearby before going back to her. "Ok, let's have a look." I took the piece of paper in hand, trying to see what was wrong with it. "What's the problem with it ?" I demanded.

"Well, I don't know if it is the code that the KGB is using or the one you created." She told me as I took a look at the lines on it, trying to figure out the correct. "It seeming so similar, that's why I'm asking you." She added, staying near me, hands together.

"Doesn't seems like my code." I whispered as in my head, I was trying to decipher the lines with my code and it was non-sense. "No, it has to be the one the KGB is using, they must have slightly upgraded it." I stated, seeing that some letters were changed but the message was still readable. "Yes, it's KGB." I repeated, giving back the paper to her.

"And what does it say?" She asked me

"It seems that the KGB is trying to enter some of their spies in England." I replied, passing my hand behind my head to scratch it. "However, there's no place indicated on it., you should give that transmission to the MI5 once you're done with it." I added.

"Oh, thanks." She thanked, taking back the paper in her own hands.

"You know, you could have asked Zasha about this." I suggested after that, using a good tone as I was taking back the cups on the table. "I may be the one who created the code Perseus is still using but Zasha is also its co-creator."

"I know but they were making a call in their office so I didn't want to disturb them." She explained with a grin, understanding why she needed my help.

"You did well." I expressed my gratitude with a smile, knowing that Zasha must have been calling Portnova. "

"Anyway, thank you for having brought that paper to me." She exclaimed.

"No problem !" I whispered as we were now both going our separate ways, me going back to Park's office that was now also mine as the MI6 has added a desk for me in it, making it way better. "Who ordered some coffee here ?" I scoffed as I entered the office, seeing Park at her desk working on paperwork.

"Oh, here you are, love." She smiled at me as I arrived near her desk to give her a cup of coffee on it. "There was a problem with the coffee machine ?" She questioned me in a funny tone

"Got to help Sarah about an encrypted transmission." I started, putting my cup on my desk before moving to close the door of the office. "She couldn't know if the code used was mine or the one the KGB is using." I continued, closing the door before going to sit on my chair.

"And what was the answer ?" Park demanded.

"It was KGB." I answered, taking a sip from the cup after taking it in my hands... the coffee was indeed better at the MI6..."So, anything new on the papers you're working on ?" I asked.

"No, been searching for something that can be new but nothing." She responded, her hands passing on the multiples papers on her desk. "Even in the papers we received today." She added, putting those papers she was talking about aside.

"Perseus is still active & there's nothing that could help us." I commented, looking at the papers on my desk: decrypted transmissions from Zasha's team, old reports about Perseus, nothing new that we can make a good advancement. "At my guess, they must be preparing something big." I suggested.

"You're right, something is planned but what ?" Park speculated before drinking her coffee. "Those in Verdansk reported that Perseus is still active and increasing their activities." She snorted after we received a call earlier this day from Woods, updating us about the situation.

"When I was first tied up on that stretcher before Stitch started to drug me, I heard him talk about a broadcast, do you have anything on that ?" I wondered, recalling that moment in my head as Park was starting to look at the remaining papers that weren't pilled up.

"No, nothing." She shook her head as I was also checking up my papers but like her, nothing. "A broadcast...do you think it could be propaganda ?"

"Possibly, maybe they want to make the Russians change their minds about the Cold War..." I raised my shoulders about it, taking a sip. "It could be anything." I added, trying to think of something that could make us know what type of broadcast is. "That thing that Perseus wanted in the Yamantau, did you hear anything about it ?"

"No." She repeated in a low voice to me as she wasn't willing anymore to talk about that situation. "But as I think, what they wanted was important for them."

"Before we left for the Yamantau, Woods & Hudson stated that the old base from that Dragovich must have a part of its belongings transferred to that new soviet base, what was that Dragovich doing over there ?" I recalled the discussion the day before we had to move, me & Park to the Urals.

"Dragovich was trying to launch a Nova-6 attack on the US, it was surely containing the plans to make the Nova-6." She answered, leaning comfortably in her chair. "There could have been two places for that: Yamantau...& the Rebirth Island near Verdansk in the Aral Sea." She continued, holding her cup with her both hands

"Rebirth Island." I whispered, having heard that name somewhere but where exactly ?... "It was the place that the CIA raided back in '68 to stop the creator of the Nova-6." She nodded at me as a yes.

"It was there that Stitch & Adler met and...well,  you know the rest." She joked, taking a sip from her coffee and finishing it. "Adler was pissed, he put an eye out of Stitch and now, Stitch is carrying a big plan of revenge on him."

"To say that Adler could have avoided all of this if he wasn't this reckless in that mall." I stated, using a joking voice before removing it away as the situation back that day wasn't so funny. "Do we have news from him, anyway ?" I demanded and she shook her head.

"I don't think that the CIA will call us for that." She scoffed before turning around on her chair to look at outside. "Well, seems that the end of the day is here." She remarked as it was 6 PM now.

"Work is done but not the day." I make her remember as today was a big day. "Remember that today, we're celebrating in private Zasha & Portnova's marriage." I said as since we couldn't go to celebrate that because of our situation on the 4th of June, they both decided to report that party for today. "It's only the four of us so it's all better."

"Yeah, I prefer that." She agreed on it as I got up from my seat, putting the cup down on my desk to walk next to Park's one near her chair. "What do you think ?" She demanded.

"Well, I just want to spend a lot of good moments like this without thinking of work." I replied, smiling at her as I put my hands on her shoulders. "Moments where the two of us could enjoy freely and happily." I exclaimed, moving to make a kiss on her cheek.

"I hope that too." She affirmed as I wrapped my arms around her shoulders, putting her hands on them. "You know, we could spend also the time of our own during the days we've been given here." She suggested in a positive voice, right in her words.

"We'll see how we can organize that in the next few days." I told her, moving in front of her to kiss on the lips for about 5 seconds before withdrawing myself from her. "Now, we have a marriage to attend."

"Of course." She muttered, getting up from her seat. "I'm going to make some clean-up on our desks, you could join up Zasha for the moment." She proposed and I nodded to her.

"Good idea, don't be too long." I ordered as I walked back to my seat to take my black leather jacket before going to open the door. "In a few minutes then, darling." I winked at her, making a kiss for her and making her blush before moving away out of the office.

Working here was way better than at the KGB and in here, everyone was very nice to chat with, very friendly and I knew that I & Zasha will be perfect here. I heard that Zasha was seen by the other persons I was talking to as a person that was helpful and full of heart and that...it was so damn touching, knowing that they had always been like that in their life, even the director was liking them and their work in here, we really made an impact in the MI6.

As their office was downstairs at one floor below, I had to take the stairs to join the floor specialized in the cryptography domain of Century House and their office, greeting those on the way in and then, I arrived near the room that was located Zasha's own team that was leading to their office. The room was looking empty with only two people in here: Sarah McGrath & Peter Furnill, another cryptographer from the team.

"Hi, miss Grigoriev!" Peter spoke first as I was stepping inside the room.

"Hello, Peter." I waved at him, sit at his desk, and smoking a cigarette. "How's the work going for you?" I asked him with curiosity.

"All fine, decrypting like always." He replied, a smile on his face, very enthusiastic to do his work.

"By the way, miss Grigoriev..." Sarah called me out, getting my attention on her. "I send that transmission to the MI5 as you requested." She told me

"Good." I nodded to her. "Did you check the transmission before sending it in any case ?" I demanded from her to make sure that this message was well decrypted.

"Yes, I took care of that with Peter." She affirmed, gesturing to Peter.

"That's great!" I exclaimed before looking at the door of Zasha's private office. "Is Zasha here?"

"Yeap, they're here and they finished their call so you can go see them." Peter responded to me, putting his cigarette away from his mouth and gesturing to me the door of the office.

"Thanks." I whispered before I start to move to the door where I knocked on it two times, waiting for a response.

"Come in!" I heard their muffled voice through the door, causing me to open the door. "Oh, Yirina." They smiled at seeing me, their jacket suit removed with only now their white shirt and a black tie.

"Seems you're ready for the party." I scoffed at them with a smile.

"And you, are you ?" They taunted me back, smirking at me about the outfit I was wearing: casual, simple but not so appropriated for a party like that. "Are you going to wear this ?"

"No, going to take a suit...if you have one to give me of course." I implied as robes weren't something I wasn't liking to wear.

"I should have one for you." They reassured me with a grin on their face "Only if you make sure to not dirty it." They added.

"Don't worry, I will not and if I do, I'll clean it up." I assured, closing the door behind me and releasing the door handle from my hands. "Was I wearing robes back in the day ?" I questioned them.

"No, you were like me." They answered, gesturing to me to sit at one of the chairs in front of their desk...that office was very nice and good looking..."You hated to wear one, you were always to wear a suit."

"We'll see how I will look on it." I wondered as I never see myself in a suit and less in a robe before I could see their face, not looking well. "You're okay, Zed ?" I demanded, worried.

"Yeah...uhm...no." They replied in a low voice. "Talking about the past isn't very easy like you know." They explained, putting their hands on their desk, tapping with their right hand. "And now, knowing that Dedov is alive, working with Perseus, it's making me sick."

"I know." I whispered in a sad voice. "It broke me when I saw him wearing a Perseus uniform along with Stitch & Freya, he didn't even recognize me." I stated, passing my hands through my face before taking a breath. "We're going to free him from their control, don't worry."

"We will, we will." They breathed, looking down at their hands. "He became Perseus's personal doctor...I can't fucking believe it."

"Perseus is dying, don't know of what but he claimed that he wasn't going to live another year and Dedov is keeping him alive." I explained to them, having already told them about it the last day. "Even if I managed to make him remember of something that Perseus couldn't be aware of, they're going to make sure to hide him away." I added, thinking about that.

"It's going to be difficult but we both know that we will bring him back." Zasha affirmed to me and I nodded to them before I remembered something in my head.

"Also, there's something I wanted to talk about." I started, crossing my arms, unsure to really say the subject

"About what ?" They asked, curious.

"About us...about us." I responded in a low voice, remembering that memory of me & them...kissing. "I had a memory when I was captured about us."

"About us ?" They repeated, sounding confused to hear that word.

"Yeah, I remembered that...me & you...we lived a short relationship." I revealed, looking down as I was fearing their reaction about it, it was surely something that we couldn't speak. "Back in 1976 for one month."

"I remember..." They whispered, moving their arms away to the armrests of their chairs. "We agreed to never talk about this again but with what happened, I think that you want to know about details." I sadly nodded to them.

"You don't have to say anything if you don't want to." I suggested.

"No, I'm okay." They grinned a little to me, thinking that it was best to talk about it. "Well...where to start ?" They put their right hand below their chin to think. "Me & you, it was in fact very nice to live and we were happy." They admitted as I was biting a part of my lips. "But at one moment, we both realized that it was better when we weren't together as a couple."

"So, we decided to broke up ?" They nodded to me

"A mutual decision, we stayed best friends of course." They added to their explanations of that relationship we lived in shortly. "I think it wasn't an bad decision because we both realized that us couldn't work well in a long term." They continued.

"It was a good choice and I'm happy with it." I said, true in my words as now, both were happy with good partners...we're happy, very happy... "You found the love of your life and you're married." I exclaimed, breaking up the sad ambiance in here.

"Yeah...what about you ?" They asked me like that

"Uhm...I don't know." I scratched the back of my head as it was a difficult question for me. "I will probably do it but not now, you understand ?"

"You need time, it's okay." They assured me about this "But you will surely...." They were going to continue until it knocks at the door, causing them to stop. "Come in!" They ordered and we could see Park herself, entering the office.

"Yiri, Zasha!" She smiled at us as I got up from my seat to make a kiss on her lips. "Wow, looking good." She blushed after the kiss, her hand passing through her hair.

"Couldn't resist with you." I winked at her again before we looked back at Zasha.

"Already dressed up for the party." They told us, putting on their jacket suit before looking at both of us. "And like I said to Yirina, I hope you have something for you too, Park."

"Don't worry, I've got this!" Park said with a smile on her face as she moved her arm around my waist from behind, bringing a big smile & a blush on my face as we were ready to leave to celebrate Zasha & Portnova's marriage for good...

"I know that I will spend a wonderful moment with you all!"

[r3b3lgrrrrrrrl]

A LunaTic and her Gunn (Part 31)

🎶Scared Is What You Should Be🎶

@lovemythsworld

@creatureofthen1ght-v3

"Fuuuckkk..." Colson thinks as he opens his eyes. "Fuuuuuuckkkk....." He knows he should move, but his body won't let him. He has shit he should do, but Luna feels too good against him and his head is rocking.

"One more minute...." He drifts off comfortably wrapped in Luna.

-------------------------------------------------

Colson wakes up again. He looks around, sure it was more than a minute that he passed back out. Luna's still knocked the FUCK out. Which is either a blessing or curse, given the situation. He truly has a love/hate relationship with her sleep. Colson wiggles carefully out from her.

"Bunny...." She pouts.

"Of course." He thinks with a content smile. He can't be mad that she missed him instantly.

"Where you go?" She sleep whines, shoving her face into the pillow.

He leans into her "To the studio. Sleep. Kitten." Kissing her somewhere on her blonde head before throwing on clothes and closing the door tight.

-----------------------------------------------

"I need to change some shit on the album." Colson tells Slim inside the studio

"Seriously, Man??" Slim asks blown beyond belief.

"YEAH. It needs an ending and I've got it." Colson tells him. "I'm pulling Wasted Love. We're gonna put I'm Okay in front of 5:366 then Bad Things after. With sick ASMRs."

"So you're changing the album because of her??" Slim asks Colson bluntly.

Thinking for a moment, before he responds. "Essentially, yes." Slim rolls his eyes. Colson continues "Dawg, this album is supposed to be a trip through my head and demons. What if she came in at the end to walk me out of the darkness..?" Isn't that what's happening? Isn't that what Bad Things is? Lemme show you the ASMR before you decide, Dawg."

Slim is reluctant. He agrees with Kells but they've already scrapped an album in the last year. And no matter how cool, or how much Kells THINKS he loves a bitch, he doesn't like anyone fucking with his money.

"We got this." Colson looks at him in a certain way that always reassures Slim.

"Oh, by the way, I think I might wanna re-record 'Hollywood Whore'. If we could just run a bar that'd be cool."

"Bitch, WHAT?!!!" Slim exclaims.

------------------------------------------------

Luna wakes up to an empty bed. "What the FUCK." She mutters, wanting Colson. She lays back. It hurts so she gets up, searching for a joint in her bag. She finds one. Lights it, hits it a few times, climbs out of the bed and proceeds to take a shower. Some may disagree but Morning Shower Joints are excellent. To Luna, they're equivalent to a Friday Night Shower Beer. A much needed necessity in life.

After her shower she dresses her shoulder, throws on a grey oversized hoodie and ANOTHER pair of cutoffs. She seems to live in them in CA and isn't sure where the FUCK they're all coming from, not that she really cares....

-------------------------------------------------

Luna finds Colson in the studio. He's sitting at the board with Slim. After greeting Slim and kissing Colson 'Hello' she curls up on the couch. After a minute Colson swings his chair around to her. "I wanna put 'Bad Things' on my album." He tells her.

"Okay." Wincing as she shrugs her free, but wounded shoulder, forgetting her injury for a moment.

"This is a pain in the fucking ass." She thinks, irritated. "And my FUCKING tattoos..." Luna reminds herself that, THIS was ultimately HER choice. "You stupid fucking Asshole." She thinks to herself ONLY.

"I'll call my lable, get the release, just gimme a minute." She tells Colson.

He slides his chair to her, radiating energy. "We have a Fucking song, Kitten." Eyes glowing, he kisses her solidly on the mouth.

She beams at him, still curled up. "We dooo." She says happily, lifting her neck for another kiss.

"Love-LOVE you." He kisses her again.

Holding him into their kiss by the back of his head, she lets go. "Love-looooove you." She smirks. He laughs as he kisses her on the head and slides back across the studio.

-------------------------------------------------

"HMPH!!" Luna snorts on the phone. "Ok, Charles. I'm going to have Monica go over my contract regarding features." She smiles wickedly to herself. "You know what, I'll give you, your fucking 40 for 40. But KNOW, my contract is up in June." Laughing lightly she continues "THIS was a favor. I never wanted to be on a lable. So, YOUUUUUUU tell Peter why I'm walking." With that she hangs up her phone.

"This cunt ass Motherfucker." She thinks. "It's cool, Loons. RUN IT." She antagonizes herself.

She sits outside on the patio, hopping on the the phone with her lawyer, Monica, real quick. Asking her to go over her contract with a fine tooth comb for feature clauses and if she can break the contract in anyway. Luna tells her that she's pretty sure there's a free to walk clause but not totally. Monica agrees, saying she'll get back to Luna, tomorrow at the latest, even though it'll be a Saturday. Luna graciously thanks her, teasing that Santa will treat her well this year before they hang up.

Walking back into the house her phone alerts her.

"THESE STUPID MOTHERFUCKERS!!!!!!!" She screams LOUDLY.

So loudly that the guys in the studio look at each other in a panic.

-------------------------------------------------

Colson finds Luna up in his room, rummaging through her things full force until she pulls out her running shoes. A pair of solid black Nikes. Colson knows she's fucking pissed, just not why.

"What's going on, Kitten?" He asks delicately.

She doesn't bother to change "FUCKING MEN." She says angrily as she pulls her sneakers on.

Colson stands there confused.

"I love you. I'm going to Ash's." She kisses him quickly on the lips, prances down the steps and is out the door.

Colson's still standing in the same place, shocked. "I gotta call Pete." He thinks.

-------------------------------------------------

Luna's running hard and fast. A thousand thoughts, lyrics, melodies and feelings raging through her body. It's a 10 mile run. She makes it to Ashley's in little over and hour. Bursting in the door, she's raring to go.

-------------------------------------------------

"Dude, she's RUNNING to Ashley's, that's a far ass run, Dawg." Colson says to Pete on the phone.

"Listen, know first, running is good for Luna. It's the safest way for her to rage. Second, what happened?" He asks Colson.

"I don't know. I heard her scream 'Something, Motherfucker!' from the first floor, THROUGH the studio. By time I got all the way upstairs to ask what was wrong, she said 'Men' and was out the door.

"You know who she talked to today?" Pete fishes.

"I don't know. Her lable, maybe, about Bad Things. Yeah, I think her lable.. But I don't know Pete, there's a 1000 people that could piss her off...." Colson trails off concerned.

"I know, Buddy." Pete tries to relieve his friend. "Knowing Loons, this is what I think happened, her lable probably pissed her off first and THEN she probably heard the news about AL, spinning her out. She's ok, Man. Call Ash, get an update. Then my advice, clear the studio."

"Clear the studio?" Colson's confused. He doesn't even ask about Alabama.

"When Luna gets like this, she creates. And she creates hard. Remember her NEED to re-record Bad Things?" Pete asks.

"Yeah..." Says a leary Colson.

"She created that with you when she was HAPPY. And like you said manic as fuck. NOW, she's angry. She's coming with 10 times the force."

"What the fuck do I do??" Asks Colson.

"I told you, Man. Clear the studio when she gets back. She's gonna want it. Besides that, NOTHING. I mean NOTHING. Unless she asks."

"Dude, I'm legit scared." Colson tells Pete.

"Dude, you should be. I told you, she ain't nothing to fuck with." Pete's words do not reassure Colson.

"Good luck, Buddy." Pete tells him.

"Well, this'll be fun.... Prefect balance of hot/crazy.... Right?" Colson worries, hanging up with Pete.

--------------------------------------------

To be continued....

[sashank-kanchustambam]

Instinct

Disclaimer : Please don't be an asshole and complain about my grammatical errors... I'm a normal person who is filling in his diary... not my mistake that you got hold of it

2. April.2018

Everyday I see this guy in the school recess; his name is Sameer. Anyways...the point is I don't like him. You ask me why.......I really don't have an answer..... I've never even talked to him, but I just instinctually dislike him.

12.April.2018

It was just like any other recess, and my eyes caught Sameer again; I noticed it for the first time..he actually is very physically attractive... I'd totally do him..... but yeah, I dislike him.....So I don't think I'll be doing anything of that sort....

I know all this might seem 'weird', but take two steps back and watch; there's always that person (or maybe more) who you just don't like..At this point of time that's exactly what Sameer is to me.

Weird how I say I don't like him.... but I keep writing about him. Well if you're fed up of Sameer already... I'm sorry

I'm in a boys school...and you narrow minded people might be stereotyping that we discuss girls all the time.... Though it's not completely true ... it can be sometimes... but I hardly have an opinion when it comes to 'who is hotter?'

16.April.2018

I was eating my food on a bench when I noticed a ball rolling towards me and a voice followed the ball....“Yo, Tanvir, .... throw the ball here.” you're not Sherlock... It's pretty obvious that's Sameer. I picked the ball up and threw it to him and he shouted “ Thanks Yo. ” I thought he was supposed to be a rude guy, but a rude guy wouldn't say 'Thanks' to a guy he hardly knows...and he knew my name too... maybe he's not all bad.

I typed his name on Instagram.. his bio read

“17

🌈 🌈 🌈

like playing Cricket and I kinda love writing random shit

🏏🖊️🖊️🖊️”

I followed him...and was unexpectedly satisfied when he followed me back.The ‛kinda hatred’ was kinda slowly fading away.

18.April. 2018

The bell for the recess rang and I stopped Aniruddh form running away....“Can I play cricket with you guys today?”.... Anirudh replied “I literally call you to play everyday, come ”.....I used to play cricket for the school up until class 10... Sameer joined school in 11th so never got a chance to play with him.....I didn't mind playing some recess cricket... Though the actual reason was Sameer.

It was the third over and I was batting against sameer's bowling....He's like 6'2 and bowls very fast.... but that didn't stop me form hitting him for 5 consecutive 4s.....I didn't expect the 6th ball to be a bouncer......I mean the ball doesn't need to bounce that high for my short ass but it still was a bouncer and it hit me hard on my lips ..... I threw the bat and fell to the ground...... Sameer started to say “sorry!!!!!” and ran towards me....he took his handkerchief out and pressed my bleeding lips with it....while his other hand rested my head.....my heart started beating at an extremely high rate.... it maybe even hit 120..... I'm totally crushing on him.... All it took is one thank you to make me not dislike him.... Maybe instincts are not always right.... maybe you should try talking to that one person who you hate for no reason.

24th April 2018

It's been 6 days since the handkerchief incident ........ I and Sameer have become closer......I mean we were never close before, so let's just stick to close instead of closer. Except for the height we're pretty similar....we love cricket, we love writing (tho I write only this diary), We're huge 'The office' fans and we vibe well.... the initial negative vibes are converted into complete positive vibes....we started to text a lot too.

While I was walking back to my class with Anirudh, Sameer stopped me and said “Yo Guys can you both come over to my place this saturday for a sleep over ?” Anirudh replied “I'm up” and looked at me....I said that I'll have to ask at home.... I knew my mom was going to allow but she can be unpredictable sometimes like all other moms.

Mom said “yeah you can go, but you'll have to come for the wedding on sunday”.......God!! I hate those weddings..... All that happens there is that a bunch of awkward-unforgettable memories are formed in my brain..... But as they say “To get something...you have to lose something”... well I'm not exactly losing anything, but you get the point right..

“ Tanvir! Does mom know that you're gay yet?” my sister asked... She wasn't mocking..it was a genuine question... “Not yet.... I'll tell it when I feel it's right though”

“You know she might freak out right?”

“Naah I don't think so”

28th April 2018

Though I and sameer were okay..... Aniruddh was high and drunk at the same time....he was doing all sorts of random shit....he almost put his fingers on a moving fan....He randomly just said “Guys clapping your hands is just so weird...I mean why do we bang our palms with each other when something good happens, I can't understand”. When I actually thought about it, it made partial sense.

You know those moments in which all the friends all of a sudden wip their phones out and get lost in their screens..... while we were having such a moment, Sameer noticed that Anirudh is asleep and said “Tanvir.... wanna chill in the balcony?”

He spotted out constellations to me.... This was the first time I noticed the constellations outside the books and the screen. So he thinks that Virat Kohli is a better player than Sachin and Lara, which I'll never agree to but I'll let it go. While he was laughing, I couldn't stop myself from staring at his lips.......he probably noticed that and became quiet....we looked into eachothers eyes for a few seconds and I slowly moved closer ........ I don't know how, but my lips were now hardly 3 centimeters away from his lips .....while I covered the 25 centimeters, he covered the last 3 centimeters.......and just like that I had my first kiss at the age of 17 and I know it sounds cliche like any other part in this diary... But it was beautiful.

2nd may 2018

Sameer hasn't come to school since then, but we talk a lot on text and on the phone too......I needed to say it, there was no point keeping it in.. so I said it..... more like typed it... But there's hardly any difference between those two these days.

‛Uhmmm..... this might sound weird.....You probably already know it.....I like you.....as in I feel stuff for you...... don't think it's because of the kiss... I've liked you before that also....I sometimes just think about you and start blushing.... If you feel the same ....do you want to take it a notch higher?’

I unsent and sent this message atleast 7 times... While I was going to do it for the 8th time he saw the message....... I immediately closed the chat and threw my phone away to the other sofa.....I just looked to the other side and started to bite my nails ....... all sort of thoughts were crossing my mind.....

‛Wow...that escalated quick..... I've always found you really cute Tanvir....and I could feel the vibe since the time you started playing with us..... I've never dated a guy before this.... but I think you're special enough for that...yes we should take it a ‛notch’ higher 😂💓💓’

My face was burning red and just like that I made my first boy friend ........also at the age of 17.

2nd June 2018

Today summer vaccation starts.... I mean summer holidays are enough to make me happy but I'm also happy cause I'll have more time to hangout with Sameer.... also it's our 1st month anniversary today... But sadly he won't be able to make it to the party at Anirudh's place because he's moving places and is busy with it...... I'll write the rest tomorrow after the party probably....Ill probably stay over at Anirudh's... That's what I told to mom

3rd June 2018

Yesterday night shit went down..... I'm not in a good mood right now...and won't be in it for few weeks probably.....

While I was partying, all I could think about was how my mom always trusts me and keeps saying that I'm an honest boy......I was feeling really guilty that I didn't tell her this.....I stopped dancing at once...and was just staring at the floor.....I started whispering repeatedly “I need to leave.....I need to leave..” and then the sound of my voice slowly increased....and I ran out of the place........ I literally jogged 4 kilometers to my house...and was panting heavily.....It was around 10:30 .....I thought to myself that mom wouldn't be asleep and I was ready to tell her about my sexuality...I confidently stood outside her room, took a deep breath, and opened the door......the second I opened the door... while I was on my way to shout ‛maa’....she was making out with someone....I felt really embarrassed and closed the door.... But not completely...... as a weird thought crossed my mind I opened the door again(....(btw all this happened in a 2 second period.....).....What I saw can not be unwatched.....MY MOTHER WAS MAKING OUT WITH SAMEER.....I closed the door with all the energy I had and probably broke a hinge....I walked to my room....I was feeling heartbroken and extremely pissed at the same time.....I locked myself in.... Sameer was banging on my door and said “I didn't know she was your mom tanvir... I'm sorry”... well even though he didn't.... what he did was cheating....and I did not feel very well.....I probably should have went with my INSTINCT and continued to DISLIKE him.

Also today is the day.......The day I throw this diary away ..... feel lucky if you find it

Instinct......Tanvir Manchanda

[mksc77]

For a couple of weeks, Sharon filled her days with sipping a couple of mugs of coffee on the porch and getting things done around the house in the mornings, enjoying the pool in the afternoons, and reading in the swing in the evenings once dinner was in the oven. It was a much-needed break after retiring, her honeymoon, and visiting her parents, but she tired of it fairly quickly, just as she'd known she would. On a Monday in June, she was enjoying her last day of idleness, as she planned to go to St. Joseph's the next morning to inquire about volunteer opportunities. For today, she was floating around in the pool with her book and Captain Morgan. She felt like she'd read more in the last few weeks than in her entire life, but she wasn't complaining. The weather had been mostly in the seventies and low eighties, so it hadn't been too hot. She had music playing from the porch, and she never knew if it was music that made her want a drink or alcohol that made her want good music, but her rum and pineapple juice with a splash of cranberry and sprite was melding pretty well with John Mellencamp. She hadn't made a habit of drinking during the day, but she'd allowed herself a couple of light drinks two or three afternoons a week.

The winter days, they last forever

And the weekends went by so quick

Went ridin' around this little country town

We were goin' nuts, girl, out in the sticks

One night me with my big mouth

A couple guys had to put me in my place

When I see those guys these days

We just laugh and say do you remember when

That's when a smoke was a smoke

And groovin' was groovin'

And dancin' meant everything

We were young and we were improvin'

Laughin' laughin' with our friends

Holding hands meant somethin' baby

Outside the club "Cherry Bomb"

Our hearts were really pumpin'

Say yeah yeah yeah

Say yeah yeah yeah

Seventeen has turned thirty-five

I'm surprised that we're still livin'

If we've done any wrong

I hope that we're forgiven

Got a few kids of my own

And some days I still don't know what to do

I hope that they're not laughin' too loud

When they hear me talkin'

Like this to you

Emily came out of the house, dressed in her swimsuit, and got on another float in the pool. At almost seven months, she was getting more uncomfortable, but a float in the pool usually did the trick. She and Emmett hadn't wanted to rush to get married before the baby was born, so they'd set the date for December. It didn't really matter, as far as the church was concerned, but Emily wanted them to be married before the baby was baptized. "Blair just called, and she and our other high school friends want to give me a baby shower. She told me to go ahead and start thinking about dates for a wedding shower, too."

Sharon looked over at Emily and noticed that she didn't seem too happy about it. "Your friends want to give you a couple of showers? That sounds just awful!" She said, with mock sympathy.

Emily rolled her eyes. "I just feel like I'm doing this all in the wrong order. I don't feel like I've done anything wrong, but with the wedding and the baby getting more real, I kind of wish we'd just gone ahead and planned a quick wedding before the baby came."

"Em, there was no need for you guys to do that. Unlike me, I'm sure this will be your only wedding." Sharon gave her a wry smile and sipped her drink. "You should enjoy it. You and Emmett are giving this baby a family that loves her and will take care of her, and that's all that matters. The order in which you do this isn't important."

"I know, but with the showers that are being planned and everything, it's just making me more aware of the fact that I'm having a baby before I'm married. Everyone's been great about it, and I haven't really thought much about it until now, but it just seems off or something."

Sharon was a little surprised that Emily was starting to feel the old Catholic Guilt, but she understood. "Once things pick up and you don't have time to overthink everything, I think you'll feel better about it. This in-between stage is unsettling, in general, and I know you've never liked change."

Emily nodded. "I think you're right. Thanks, Mom."

"You're welcome." Sharon placed her drink beside the pool and flipped over to lie on her stomach. Despite slathering herself with sunscreen every day, she was still getting a little bit of a tan. Any skin damage she had from the sun had probably mostly happened during the baby oil and iodine days of her teenaged years and young adulthood, anyway, when the sun's rays weren't thought to be anything but healthy. She wasn't in the pool for the purpose of tanning, but she loved to be in the water and feel the sun soaking into her skin. She'd never been much of a swimmer for exercise, but she'd been making herself swim a few laps most afternoons. Once she got herself settled into a more productive routine, she planned to take either morning or evening walks around the neighborhood, but she'd stick with floating around the pool for now.

A couple of hours later, with dinner in the oven, Sharon assumed her evening perch in the swing with her book and a glass of wine. Andy came home soon after that and joined her on the porch. "Am I just going to have to get used to being a swing widow?" He teased. Their evening dynamics had definitely changed since they moved. At the condo, Sharon sometimes sat on the balcony for a while in the evenings after watering the flowers, but she was still usually inside for most of the evenings. Now, she usually went inside just long enough to eat dinner and help clean the kitchen before going straight back to the porch.

"You can always come out here," Sharon pointed out.

"But the game will be on in there," Andy protested.

"True..." Sharon looked around. "We should put a TV out here. It would be nice to watch football out here this Fall."

"Then you'd never go inside." Andy pecked her on the lips. "How was your day?"

"It was nice, but I'm ready to get out of the house. I'm going to start at church tomorrow, but I think I'd like to pick one or two places and stick with them for a while instead of doing things here and there like the people at church do. I know they'll be able to steer me in the right direction, though." Sharon closed her book. "What about you? Is Captain Hernandez any better?"

Andy heaved a dramatic sigh. "She sent my paperwork back three times before it was finally good enough for her! And I thought you were a perfectionist."

Sharon had been a stickler about paperwork at the beginning, but she quickly learned to appreciate the talents her team had in other areas of investigations and gave up on perfect paperwork from them. "She'll learn to pick her battles, just like I did."

"Pick your battles? You sound like you're talking about toddlers!" Andy whined.

"Well, some days I felt like I was dealing with toddlers." Sharon kissed Andy and went inside to check on dinner, and Andy went inside to change clothes. Sharon peeked into the living room first, and Emily was watching TV with a jar of pickles in her lap. Sharon still wasn't used to Emily not being pencil-thin. Her face had filled out a little, and her legs were actually a little bigger than twigs. "Dinner will be ready soon...By the time this baby comes, I'm going to forget what you look like without a jar of pickles in your hand!"

"I know, right? If it's not pickles, it's watermelon. At least I'm not craving something terribly unhealthy."

Sharon nodded. "Yeah, like the strawberry ice cream that's still on my thighs thirty-five years later."

Emily rolled her eyes. "Whatever, Mom, your legs are, like, perfect."

"They're not perfect, but I'll take it.”

The rest is on ff.net

[barelynakedthoughts]

Today I am 12 weeks and 5 days into my pregnancy. I am 1 week and 1 day away from entering the second trimester. I'm still in shock that we may have a little one soon...I'm still surprised we made it this far. We're not out of the danger zone yet, but I'm settling into this pregnancy a bit more each day.

These past few weeks have been odd and filled with way too many tears than I care to admit. I've been a bit hormonal, but I've also had crippling anxiety over the safety and viability of our little one. For about two weeks, I did not feel pregnant in the way I had been. It was my transitional period from very nauseated and sick to leading a semi-normal, less nauseated life. Sure, I get lightheaded here and there -actually I'm writing this in the middle of the night because I woke up wanting to throw up. Yet, it's not every day and I'm even reintroducing light amounts of sauce and pasta. My body is even allowing me to eat chocolate again!! You would not believe how much excitement that caused this past week.

In the latter part of those two weeks, I began cramping daily and it was painful. I called the nurse for clarity, even. Since we were so close to a first semester screening, she recommended waiting and seeing how it goes. My brain was convinced we lost the baby.

Turns out, my cyst had grown a millimeter and the baby had grown even more. During the scan, I cried silently and squeezed my husband's hand so tight that he said it hurt afterwards. I responded with, "I guess I'm getting you prepared for a few months from now!" We chuckled afterward and stared at pictures of our little one. They moved so much during the scan. So much sl it made it difficult for them to get everything they needed. I secretly commended the babe because that meant we got to spend more time with them on the grayscale screen. There first few minutes of fame!

My heart has been at peace since then. Well there was one night where I wiped and there was a spec of bright red blood, but it has not since returned. I'm just going to choose my battles wisely from now on...or maybe not. We'll see. My emotions have been rather unpredictable to say the least. The doctors even sent us a video and I've watched it about as much as I've watched my favorite show, House. The joy of watching them bounce and wiggle and move their arms and kick their legs and side eye the nurse bouncing the scanner on their cozy little home...the joy is just invigorating. I pray for their safety and I pray for their well-being. I lean on God and hope for His mighty hand to gentle bring this little one to life come May or June!

So what am I feeling like now?

Well, normal. Kinda. My belly is starting to get bigger and if i weren't pregnant, I'd look like I've gained weight. The ironic part of this stomach growth is the scale. My body hasn't gained anything. I've been the same, if not two pounds lighter, since becoming pregnant in September. There was a point where I was fluctuating +/- 3 pounds each week, but that settled quickly and now I'm looking to start gaining weight for real. I'm, of course, going to ask the doctor what that looks like when we go in next week. In the midst of the fluctuation, I did happen to gain three little stretch marks on my belly. They have been my reminder of something precious even when I don't feel pregnant. There are some mornings where I feel my bump has gone missing...but it shows back up later in the day. I think most of fatter aesthetic is bloating right now. I cant wait until it's a round belly that screams "I'm pregnant!"

My lower back has been killing me and sleeping is still difficult. I'm starting to accept that I may never sleep through the night again - much to my husband's dismay. Poor him, he's been waking up here and there because I keep shuffling to find the right position. I guess he should get used to it, too! I've been trying my best not to wake him, though. It's lonely, but I can manage to past the time. I'm starting to notice slight aches when bending over and sitting in weird positions. I'm also starting the lose the ability to sit forward comfortable. My belly is not that big right now. It reminds me of when my period would hit honestly. Yet it's also different structurally. It's not a bloat, it's a physical alteration where pieces have been moved around.

Covid is scaring us a bit and with Thanksgiving coming up, we're becoming even more cautious. Might have to do a virtual dinner with both of our families. No can afford getting covid, but right now, I'm not trying to be pregnant with covid. I don't need the worry and I dont need the illness!

I've been catching myself staring at my belly, rubbing it and smiling more often. I'm noticing slight nesting tendencies, too. We're not buying too much beyond more comfortable clothing, but as we enter into the second trimester, this could change. I'm not trying to jump the gun yet. I'm waiting until after 20 weeks to start changing the apartment around. Fortunately that will come right around when Christmas decorations have to come down so it'll feel like a natural transition from the festively ostentatious to the surreal. Normally the apartment feels unfillably bare after Christmas, but I have a feeling there will be a different type or emptiness lurking. An emptiness filled with the hope of growth. I'm hoping by Christmas we get small movements, too. It would be a wonderful present. If I'm honest, I stopped wanting presents a few years ago. My inner Cindy Lou Who started expressing herself and Christmas gained a new meaning. I dont even want to give gifts. I feel it does a disservice to the season of giving because most items people dont want in the long run anyways. It's just a holiday to gain more stuff to a lot of people and I just want a holiday where I hug my mom, enjoy my family and smile genuinely all day. No earthly treasure means more than family...and this year, there would be no greater gift than having a healthy pregnancy and a healthy little one.

Also, singing Christmas songs with my dad would be beautiful, too. This type of Christmas where joy is revealed in acts of thanksgiving would be want I want to impart on my little one.

Well that was a tangent!

I'm feeling good this week. Seeing the light after a few weeks of darkness is just that much more precious. I'm excited to hear the heartbeat next week and to keep seeing growth happen. I'm excited to carry this little one...can't wait to hold them in my arms.

[streetlites]

She wore a white dress the first time I met her.

I remember thinking that she was absolutely beautiful – that Luke’s office was too filthy a place for her to be in, that it’d stain her. “Aren’t you going to frisk me?”, she asked and my stupid mouth ran off, I think I said something along the lines of, I could If you want me to. I didn’t know who she’d become to me, that I’d end up caring that much for her. If I had, I don’t think I would have wasted so much of my time trying to run her off from what I saw as death spiral, a moth about to be consumed by flame.

I’m waiting outside of her parent’s house for her, ignoring the strange looks I’m getting from her older siblings who probably don’t know we’re not together anymore. Roman stops to talk to me for a minute, but only to ask me to leave – I won’t, not until I see she’s okay. Celia called me the other night, she’d lost her at the bar and she was worried that she was coming to see me, she begged me not to take her in if she came. I waited all night.

A blue car I don’t recognize pulls up and out she steps, her eyes locking on to mine. They trail down to the dog tags I’m wearing and sweep back up and, for a moment, she looks just as miserable as I am. They’re a slight manipulation on my part; she had teased me that they were corny when I had her name engraved on them – I want her to see that I’m still hers if she’ll have me.

Her expression hardens when she focuses on the SUV I’m driving and I feel like kicking myself, I should have brought my bike. “Nice dad wagon,” her tone is icy. “What are you doing here?”

“Celia called me last night and said that you went missing, I wanted to make sure you were okay.”

She laughed mirthlessly in response. “Here I am, in one piece. You can go now.”

“Where were you?”

“I really don’t see how that’s any of your business,” she says, but there’s amusement behind her eyes – something cruel. And then I see the mark on her neck barely hidden by the black lace choker she’s wearing. I feel like there’s a weight on my chest, we haven’t been together in almost three weeks. She’s been with someone else.

Under the weight, something vile is rising – I’m jealous and I think I know exactly who left the mark on her. The only person stupid enough to make that move. “You and Yulian fucking already?”

“Surprisingly enough, no.” Then she smiles and adds, “Yet. Would that bother you, Gene?”

“Of course it fucking would!” I explode. “For all I know, you two were probably fucking while we were together anyway. He was spending an awful lot of time at your apartment.” I know it’s not fair of me to say, I even know that they weren’t, but I hate the idea of that guy’s hands on her, of her being with him instead of with me.

Emilia’s face grows dark, “No, you don’t get to do that,” she says, shoving a finger in my face. “I wasn’t the one who cheated, that was you. I’m not going to let you sit here and absolve yourself of guilt at my expense. You know goddamn well I was faithful to you!” I put my hand on her hips and try to pull her in but she resists, “Fuck off, Gene, let me go!”

She manages to turn herself around and I finally pull her in against me, “I know, I’m sorry. I didn’t come here to fight,” I say quietly and she relaxes a little. We’ve been in this position before, it usually ends with kisses until we’re breathless. I miss it, I want her back so badly – I don’t care who she’s been with as long as she comes back to me. I breathe in her perfume, nuzzling against her neck and she stiffens and pulls away. I’m not dissuaded, I grab her hands and she balls them into fists and I kiss them, “I found out about the time off you got us,” she won’t meet my eyes. “I could take you out to Willow Creek, we could eat at that restaurant on top of The Grey Lady, stay at a nice hotel downtown for the week…”

“You don’t have that kind of money,” she retorts.

“I do now.” I really do – I’ve taken up hit contracts for Luke. The first one was a local politician the LA-13 wanted gone, it paid 50K. I was warned that the majority of jobs I would receive wouldn’t be as high paying if I only worked in this area and Luke would get a cut if he had to vet people for me. Her gaze is questioning and I give her a small smile, “No talking business in public, remember?”

She shakes her head and lowers her hands, “No, Gene.”

“Give me a chance, I can fix this.”

“You really shouldn’t have tried to hide it from me,” she starts. “You can’t fix that you’re going to have a kid and you can’t fix that any time you leave; I’ll just assume you’re with June. Go home.” I watched as she walked up the stairs to her parent’s house, not once bothering to look behind her. 

She wore a white dress trimmed with black. I wondered if I was the one who stained her.  

[unextordinary-blog]

My year in one post: 2017

okay so its starting to get closer to the end of the year lets have a recap of 2017.

january: I don't have a job anymore, I am not going to school at the moment, I am moving for the hundredth time, and I have to give up my dog and cat, then someone loses my cat. ( so its safe to say january was definitely not my month) but bright side this is the month where i start to talk to my "future" husband. well sort of (this will be explained in a later month).

february: so it's a new month. I am jobless with no prospect of going back to school until the next semester. on top of that our landlords are total pieces of literal dog shit (like im not kidding they have about 5000 dogs in their house and it smells like dog shit) anyways life is starting to look up JUST THE TINIEST BIT because ya girl got a date. i am dating. newly dating. and on top of that i still don't know that my future husband is single yet. (he doesn't like the idea of me dating)

march: we have officially moved into my moms boyfriends house and i already hate it. Its awful i have no closet, no space, no job, no pets, and no will to live (except for my future husband). Its safe to say my life lowkey sucks because not only do i have a curfew now? I have to pretend to not hate my life and i actually have to get out of the bedroom im staying in (yea thats right im not allowed to call his guest bedroom "my room") my moms boyfriend is a total dickwad. he gets what he deserves in later months tho. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ( WAIT A MINUTE I just got some info that karma was doing her job all along and i completely forgot part of living with my momster and her dickwad was that I had to do all the chores around the house and dickwad left $200 in his pocket when i was doing laundry and i found it. in my defense i tried to tell them about the money but then they got on my ass for talking to them while they were talking or something so i shut up and spent some of the money on a tattoo. it was the best revenge ever. I had been planning on getting one for months and dickwad and momster HATE tattoos and he technically paid for mine and it was great)

April: HOMAGAWD my life is looking up. I got a job, my "future" husband is visiting and the guy I'm kinda sorta "dating" is a good kisser but i swear to y'all if i hadn't already been on like 4 dates with this guy i would have thought he was catfishing me (he ends up ghosting me anyways so whatevesss). My momster and her dickwad of a boyfriend don't like my new job because it doesn't pay a whole lot? ( oh i forgot to mention they want me to pay rent for the "bedrooom" I'm sleeping in; y'all this room is literally a bed, a dresser drawer, and MY TV) ALSO did i mention this guy is total pack rat (THE BEDROOM IM IN HAS ALLLL OF HIS JUNK IN IT) and there's no central heating and I'm sick. I have bronchitis and we barely found out. meanwhile my supposed "mother" thought I was just being annoying with my coughing and her stupid boyfriend literally had the AUDACITY to tell me if I don't get rid of my cough by the end of the week then he was going to "do something about it". (LIKE IM SORRY I HAVE BRONCHITIS IF I COULD WAVE MY MAGIC WAND THAT I JUST RANDOMLY PULLED OUT OF MY ARSE AND MAKE MYSELF BETTER I WOULD SORRY MY ILLNESS IS INCONVENIENCING YOU). this man is weird he has like every book written by trump and is a civil war reenactor and has can goods from before I was even born because he doesn't believe in expiration dates. so I didn't want to find out what he meant by that so I booked the quickest doctors appointment I could get. I had been sick for 3 months by this point. also I paid over half the rent at my old place but I was always making like $1000 a month sooooo I could afford it. anyways my "future" husband and I have an amazing 3 days when he visits it was like no time had passed and it wasn't until he was gone that I realized that I couldn't live without him anymore.

May: ITS OFFICIAL BITCHES my "future" husband is now my boyfriend, it literally took him an hour for me to say he was my boyfriend. twas a struggle. but pretty much since the day he left we hadn't gone a single day without talking via text or calling each other. we thought about waiting until he came back to texas to date, but that would be two years and we weren't having that because we would have ended up waiting for each other instead of dating long distance which is kinda a waste of time. anyways I am no longer sick. at least I don't think and karma is just DOING ITS WORK on my mom and her dickwad boyfriend. My mom was being treated like she deserved by her new job and dickwad had lost his chief position because hes an alcoholic asshole with little man syndrome now he is paying over $10,000 for a DWI lawyer. meanwhile i was thriving I was getting more work I was looking into ways to pay off my school my life still sucked and the only reason im alive is because of my "future" husband.

June: did i ever mention that june is my favorite month of this year. love is in the air bitches. june is the month for marriages and engagements. SPEAKING OF ENGAGEMENTS yea that's right he proposed AND ON TOP OF THAT he surprised me with a visit and i nearly had a heart attack and it was a great few days. then my momster ruined it by being her and by hating me as per usual we weren't asking for permission at this point to get married we were just going to get married whether she agreed or not. and i was moving out and my "future" husband and i had a 101 plans (also i dont like the word fiance its dirty and gross) our 101 plans obviously fell through you can plan all day long and life is just like "LOL gurl you thought" but it all turned out fine in and in our favor in the end. we are very thankful for the people who stuck by our side when things were getting tough and sooo grateful for all their help we wouldn't have been able to do it without them.

JULY: ITS OUR WEDDDDINNNGGG MONNNTTTTHHHHHHH!!!!!! I had never thought "hey you're going to be my husband one day" when I saw my husband for the first time in the 2nd grade. he apparently did, he thought i was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen and was happy i had moved to his town. that innocent love obviously turned into something more as we got older and he always knew that something special would happen with us there had to be a reason God had kept us close all those years. we were married july 10th in a court house with our high school friends my momster and her dickwad boyfriend and my new family that consisted of my husbands parents and siblings while my maid of honor watch via facetime (she had work and the ceremony lasted like 20 mins) leading up to our wedding he "proposed" properly on the couch while we were watching a movie and his best friend was so upset that he was not included in the proposal. we promised to include him on our 5 year anniversary at our vow renewal. we were married on the 10th we had our honeymoon that night in galveston. on the 11th we went to our best mans house, watched hoarders all morning, played ping pong, went to go see a movie with our old clique from high school, slept on a too small air mattress with a too small blanket in freezing cold room and woke up early. he dropped me off at my momsters and we said our teary eyed goodbyes and said we'd see each other again in december and I watched him drive away to the air port. I turned 20 the next week and I had 1 good day then on the 18th my mom decided to yell at me and fight me about money (remember how i said i was trying to pay off my college stuff well my mom knew that. it was no secret. well i found a way and i had gotten the money the week i got married and i paid it off and put the rest in savings and refused to touch it) well my mom yelled at me until she was blue in the face because since dickwad fucked up his finances with his DWI they were now strapped for cash and wanted me to pay for everything and I refused. just because we said I'd move in december doesn't mean plans are set in stone and if I would have paid them in advance I would have never seen that money again. the risks were to high for me to pay that much in one sitting. so we argued on the 18th she didn't talk to me for two days then on the 21st she gave me an ultimatum and told me to pay or get out. meanwhile my husband and I were thinking ahead and I was already packing and by the 22nd all i had in the bedroom i slept in was a duffel bag of clothes and hamper full of my bedding I told her i was moving out on the 23rd on a sunday and by the time they got home from church me and everything i had would be gone from that house. remember my husbands best man and best friend and the small air mattress and cold bedroom?

August: they both had a house together and that was the house i stayed in until the second week or two of august i spent almost a week with my dad and his family so i could say my goodbyes. i came back to the guys house for 2 days finished packing said my goodbyes to all my friends and then my dad was there with a jeep for all my stuff and we would start our long trip to VA. the first day we drove from TX to atlanta then the next day atlanta to VA.

I was finally home. there he was my knight in blue digital camo. we'd only been married a month and already our plans were askew. my dad stayed for 2 extra days and helped us get settled into our new apartment then left.

september: we are 2 months into our marriage and our first month living together. these next two months will be the hardest months in our marriage. we're getting used to each other getting to know our homelife quirks it is a difficult transition for both of us I am used to an abusive passive aggressive household where i lock myself in my room and he is used to empty barracks and going out everyday just so he doesn't have to be in the barracks all day. it was hard but we wouldn't want to bicker over mundane things with anyone else.

October: its spoopy time and my husbands birthday is this month we have a tv and new bed for our master bedroom we have a cat but Im pretty sure we got him in september. we're not really fighting as much at least not about stupid things we know what pushes our buttons and we're communicating better. I have to turn down my first job because its too far of a drive. ( we immediately regret it) the hubs 21st birthday rolls around we have the worst mexican food ever and he has the strongest margarita in the world it was really a great night. Halloween we sit on the couch watching movies and just stay in all day.

November: my husbands family have informed us that his little brother will be graduating from boot camp this month and will be going to school on a base in VA and that they were coming for thanksgiving. so we get the house in order for our new guests. we buy everything from a thanksgiving ham to new towels when they arrive his parents are sick with the flu and my husband still has work the next day on thanksgiving. his mom and i spend the entire next day cooking and getting everything ready. when my husband gets home we have dinner and watch a movie or two. the next day is my husbands day off and we all had planned on eating out so we had lunch then went to the beach for his mom and then my husbands base to give a tour for his mom (insert eyeroll here the woman takes pictures of quite literally everything its almost annoying)and then finally we go back home so we can get his little brothers stuff and we can drop him off at his new base. (which is a whole lot more difficult then it should have been.) they end up giving him a weekend pass but by then we're all dead tired and want to go home but no, we go bowling on base until its time to take his little brother back to the barracks. then the next day is even more annoying my husband picks up his little brother and some breakfast and we trudge to a museum of an old ship for about 2 or 3 hours. keep in mind my husbands parents are still sick with the flu and everyone is tired except his little brother and my husband has work at 3am the next day. on top of that his parents need to get on a plane this same day and my husband and i need to drop off his little brother back on base. needless to say it was another long day and we finally had our house back my poor husband had work at 3am and around 9am i hear him come home apparently since he didn't leave early on thanksgiving he got to leave work early that day which meant we got the entire sunday to ourselves. it was a long weekend.

December: its only the 13th and we have been married for 5 months now and it will almost be a year since we started dating. (how time flies) his best man is supposed to visit in january and we are both so excited.

so much little stuff has happened this year that would make this post even longer. we got a motorcycle, my husband is trying to pick out a car for me i thought about doing online college, we both haven't really thought about what we want for christmas and our cat has fleas so its been a very eventful year.

[guigz1-coldwar]

'Taking care' : New chapter for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out !

"Taking care"

"I'm Yirina Grigoriev, nice to meet you!"

Chapter Summary: 2 days passed since Park has done what Yirina could never think, Yirina is now trying to copple with it while work is reserving some surprises to be learned...

Link of the Picrew used !

To read it on AO3, click here!

Words : +3500

Taglist : @snowgoldwaylon , @clxudtea , @efingart

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June 27th, after what Park has done two days earlier in the night, I couldn't let her left the apartment like that causing me to stay with her, to comfort her at the maximum I was able to do, and not wanting her to retry again what she did. She was getting better but I was staying cautious in case, she almost gave me a heart attack that day and I didn't want this to happen again. Because of it, I had to call Zasha, asking for them to extend their honeymoon in the south of England for three more days as they were planned to come back on the 25th, and they agreed, explaining the whole truth and saying that it was best for them & Portnova to not see Park like she was now.

Today was different because I left the apartment to go to Century House for work, leaving Park all alone but now knowing that she wasn't going to make anything weird and like I was thinking in fear, the ambiance at work was...silencing...no one to talk with. I stayed alone in her & now my office, all day, only leaving to get something to eat & a coffee, that was it. It was only me in that office, navigating through the multiples papers that we couldn't work for the past two days since we weren't here.

"And one long day soon over..." I spoke to myself as I was sitting on Park's own black chair, having used her office for the afternoon to work, looking at the city through the windows as the sun was setting down on it, and then, knocks were heard through the other side of the door of the office. "Come in!" I ordered as I turned back around, causing the door to get open and reveal Sarah.

"Hi, miss Grigoriev." She started, dressing in the same usual clothes as always: black suit, white shirt, and red tie and she was holding a piece of paper in her hands. "Uhm...is miss Park not here?" She asked, rolling her eyes around the room to look for her.

"No, she's sick, had to stay away for a few days but she will be back tomorrow along with Zasha," I replied, lying about Park's state because I couldn't speak loudly about what happened that night. "You don't have to worry, she's fine," I reassured before gesturing to her to come inside.

"Okay." She breathed as she closes the door behind her and moves to join one of the chairs in front of the desk to sit down. "That's why you two weren't here for the last two days?" She demanded.

"I couldn't let her alone so I stayed with her," I explained briefly, putting my arms on the desk.

"And even if you come back today, we didn't see you at all for the whole day, hearing that you were always in this room, only leaving for eating or taking a coffee." She added, sounding worried about me. "Are you sure that's everything okay?"

"As I said, you don't need to worry," I repeated my words to her, thinking loudly in my words that the subject should change but my mind wasn't reacting this fast for that. "We all have personal problems to deal with and things are hard to tell about." I continued, clenching my fists on the desk?

"But you can tell about them, right?" She told me, insisting in her voice, making me narrow my eyes to her

"Sarah, I ain't going to talk about what happened to me & Park, is that clear?" I made myself clear in my voice to her, raising it a little. "A lot of things that happened to me...it's better that it stays hidden, you understand?" I raised my voice again

"Yeah, yeah." She chuckled, almost in fear of me because of the tone I took.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make my voice this loud." I apologized after I saw the terrified look on her face, putting the palms of my hands against the desk as a sign of appeasement for myself. "It just...I didn't want to be like that, a lot of things happened and it's complicated." I said again to her.

"I know, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude to you about this." She did the same thing as me, looking down at her feet.

"No, it was me who should be sorry," I whispered, slowly starting to tap with my right fingers on the desk, looking at them before putting my eyes back on her. "Anyway, why are you here?" I questioned her, changing the subject.

"Well, I managed to intercept something that could be interesting to see," She responded, handing over on the desk, the piece of paper she got in her hands.

"What is it about?" I asked her as I took the paper in my hands, awaiting an answer to start to check it.

"You remember that message from days earlier talking about KGB agents trying to come in England?" I nodded to her, remembering the moment she talked to me while I got cups of coffee in my hands. "I've got a transmission saying more about it."

"Sounds interesting," I muttered as I start to take a look at it: the message was already decrypted with a written sentence on it, giving the full meaning of the transmission: L.R and I.B, recovering & awaiting for deployment in England and instructions for avenging their boyfriend. "That is really interesting!" I exclaimed, a bit in joy despite the few elements that can help us.

"The thing that is strange is that the code used is yours," Sarah revealed to me, pointing her fingers at the sentence that was encrypted, arrows on each letter that were leading to the decrypted sentence.

"Yeah, that's strange," I whispered, having already found out about it. "That's mean that either the KGB is now using my own code for them or it was Perseus," I suggested, looking at the paper that I put back on the desk.

"It has to be Perseus, the KGB is still using the usual code." She corrected me.

"So, those KGB agents are in fact Perseus ones," I said, leaning in the back of my chair, trying to figure out who could be hiding behind these initials until I remembered something. "Wait, I think I know one of them." I speculated, my fingers on top of the first initials L.R "Lukas Ritter."

"Lukas Ritter?" Sarah whispered that name in a low tone.

"He used to work with the KGB and also for Perseus until we managed to make him an MI6 snitch before disappearing," I told her, thinking that she wasn't knowing the man.

"I heard of him, he proclaimed to have to stay low in Moscow but in fact, he tried to ambush two MI6 agents in a trap before fleeing the city." She spoke up, giving me details about Ritter since the last time we heard of him. "He's now in the wanted list of the MI6."

"And he will be at its reach now that we learned he's going in England but where?" I theorized about where he could go with this I.B, thinking mainly about London. "Listen, you give that transmission to the MI5 and you try to find anything about Lukas Ritter and this I.B."I gave her back the paper in her hands as she got up from her seat.

"I'll do my best," She complied, saluting me before she starts to walk back to the door. "Thank you & have a good day, miss Grigoriev," She exclaimed to me as she left the room, closing the door behind her.

So, this Lukas Ritter is coming back after we dealt with him in Moscow and having escaped the MI6's control on him. He's trying to avenge someone but who...all of this is a big mystery to me and, surely, we will soon find out about what is the cause of his soon-to-be presence in England with that I.B with him. Now, I was back alone in the office, the day almost over and the sun going down on the city as it was 8 PM.

I couldn't leave the office right now however since I had to wait for a call from Woods back in Verdansk or any location he & the others could be for an update about the situation and also about us. For the moment, I needed to stay until that red phone on Park's desk starts to ring and I waited...waited for almost 20 minutes before finally, it rang, causing me to grab the phone instantly at the moment it started to ring.

"Yirina Grigoriev, yes?" I said in a quick instant, my voice sounding surprised & fully relieved.

"Oh, it's you." I heard a female voice through the phone recognizing Song's voice, sounding happy to hear me on the phone. "It's Song." She clarified.

"Hi, Song." I breathed, happy to have her.

"I thought that I was going to have Park but it's you." She muttered in a low voice, hearing scratching something.

"Yeah...Uhm...Park isn't here, she's busy." I lied to Song, not wanting to make Park's state something new to everyone around. "So, I'm the one who picked up the phone," I explained, staying positive in my voice.

"Oh, okay," She bought into my lie. "Woods was the one making the updates to Park but he isn't here for the moment so like you, I'm doing it at his place." She added, making me laugh as we were both replacing someone.

"Guess it's something new to us." I scoffed about it, making her laugh too.

"Yeah, ain't going to be fully perfect but at least, we're doing it." She laughed as I moved back on my seat for the rest of the call.

"So, how're things in Verdansk?" I asked, going directly into the subject of the conversation.

"Well, it's neutral." She replied in a normal voice.

"Neutral? How neutral?" I demanded to her, wondering if it was neutral good or bad because the tone she took for it wasn't helping for me. "Is it good or bad?" I clarified my demand to her

"Perseus operations are still on and increasing, our agents are getting captured & soon rescued at diverse locations, and honestly, we all trying to find out why this city is the target of Perseus." She responded, telling me of everything on their side and me, listening carefully. "We checked the base that you & Park were held but we found nothing, the base was deserted." She added.

"That's typical for Perseus," I whispered away from the phone, likely speaking to myself as it was sure that our escape was going to make them leave quickly from that base. "But still, you're still fighting them."

"Yeah, still." She mumbled, sounding exhausted. "Been having nearly one skirmish every two days with Perseus agents and back at the safehouse, we always got paperwork to do." She sputtered, she was clearly annoyed by doing that.

"At our side, it's basically the same thing if we don't count those skirmishes," I admitted, moving in my seat to look through the window. "How're the others? Woods, Sims, Wolf, and miss Petrov?"

"Woods's doing great while he's getting seduced by Petrov, Sims & Wolf are fine and in great shape as for me, I'm damn exhausted." She answered to me, almost breaking a laugh to learn about Woods's situation, knowing what happened at the moment he & Petrov met. "I also learned that you & Park are going to come back next month."

"Yeah, it ain't official for the moment but we're coming back in July," I told her as our time to be in London was only for a month without any precise amount of days.

"You might need to know that I don't think I will be here for your return," She revealed to me in a sad voice.

"Really?" I was shocked to hear that from her, wondering why she wasn't going to be here.

"As you know, I'm pregnant and I was told that in the middle of July, I should go back home for the rest of my pregnancy," She clarified, making me remember that she told me about it the day, Garrett's body was recovered in Laos... a month ago. "I'll be at 5 months soon and it's better that I comply."

"You're right, it's better that you keep focusing on yourself than on work," I said to her, approving her choice to leave despite it was making me sad that we will not see her for a while now. "I hope that you'll do fine."

"I hope too." She whispered in a good voice, hearing her snort. "If it's a boy, I'll name him Garrett but I don't know for a girl."

"I'm sure that you will find, Song," I reassured her about it, putting my free hand behind my head, trying to think how life could be with something like that in the chest. "Listen, I think it's time to go leave work to get some rest, I've been working nonstop since this morning," I explained, seeing the sun disappear on the horizon.

"I understand, I'm going straight to bed after the call." She exclaimed.

"Before you left, I need something: do you know anyone with the initials I.B?" I asked her as it was something juggling in my brain since the moment I saw them.

"I.B....I.B" I heard her, sounding that she was trying to look through her brain too to find something. "No, I'm sorry, doesn't ring anything in me." She replied in a low voice. "I should ask that to the others in the morning,"

"Yeah, probably better," I suggested, both knowing that it was time to hang out. "Well, I'm leaving you, have some rest & have a good night, Song, say hello from me & Park to the others."

"I'll do it, goodbye, Grigoriev." She snorted before I hang out the phone, cutting the conversation and now, making me back alone in the room.

The day was finally done for me in here, the call was made and it was with Song herself instead of the usual Woods, Park & him having been replaced by me & Song respectively but at least, I was able to make a good conversation with her and knowing details about their status back in Verdansk that was 'neutral' in her words as for us in London, we will soon have to face 2 Perseus agents in England it's surely going to be in London...Lukas Ritter & this I.B....avenging their boyfriend...very strange...

As it was finally over, it was time for me to leave work so I grabbed the black leather jacket on my own chair at my desk before leaving the office, not forgetting before to talk with Zasha's team, wanting to reassure them of everything and about the return of Zasha for next day as I was the 'temporary chief' of the team while they were away and when the talks were done with the team, I was now free to leave Century House.

Walking back in the streets to join the apartment was like this morning: I was keeping my head down, not wanting to make any eyes contacts with anyone around, making me believe that I was fearing slowly about getting into the open like that. Maybe I was paranoid but I couldn't help myself to not look at the innocent bystanders as if I was still ashamed of the scar on my head but anyway, I managed to get back to the apartment after that struggle.

"Here I am!" I exclaimed after I unlocked the front door of the apartment, entering it and my first thing to do was to find Park.

"Here you are." She whispered, finding her on the couch with a blanket on her lap as she was watching TV. "How was work?" She asked me in a low voice.

"Well, very silent & strange without you," I replied sincerely as I was locking back the front door, feeling the pain of not having talked to her for a large part of the day. "I almost not talked for the day, only leaving the office for necessity," I added, moving away from the door to remove my black leather jacket from me.

"I'm sorry, Yiri," Park apologized, looking at me as I was putting the jacket on the coat hanger near the dresser that was next to the entrance.

"You don't have to be, Park," I said. "Even if you were maybe okay, I couldn't let you leave the apartment and I didn't want anyone to know what happened to you," I told her, turning back to her. "Nothing wrong happened?" I demanded as I walk to get next to the couch.

"No, I didn't throw up or anything else." She responded, sitting next to her and pulling for a quick kiss on the lips. "Any news from work?"

"To start, it seems that Lukas Ritter is back to work with Perseus, he's going to enter England in the following days with a certain I.B," I started, moving my right arm behind her neck, installing myself comfy on the couch. I was like sounding like a husband coming back from work with my voice. "Don't this means anything to you? Someone with the initials I.B?" She shook her head.

"Not at my knowledge." She responded after a few seconds of reflection on her side. "I thought that Ritter became one of us a month ago." She chuckled, sounding surprised as me when Sarah told me that.

"Sarah told me that he faked to 'stay low' before trying to ambush two MI6 agents, and then, fleeing away from Moscow," I explained to her as Sarah did to me. "It was said that he and this I.B were coming here to...avenge their boyfriend," I added.

"Their boyfriend?" She looked at me, raising an eyebrow.

"Don't look at me like that, I don't know what its actual meaning is." I protested, seeing her eyes narrowing thinking that I was joking to her about that. "Maybe that guy was their ex-boyfriend or anything like that," I suggested.

"Yeah, must be that." She raised her shoulder before she nudged me a little at my own.

"Good to see you like that." I smiled at her after that, looking at her with a great face, finally thinking that she was back to her normal state but still taking care of her. "So, did you already eat?" I questioned her.

"No, I was waiting for you to do it." She responded, putting her right hand above my chest before she looked at the TV.

"What were you watching?" I asked her, watching the TV and hearing french voices.

"A french movie called 'Flic ou Voyou' [Cop or Hood]" She replied instantly, making me curious about this movie, having never heard of it. "It came out two years ago with that actor, Jean-Paul Belmondo." She added, giving me more details about the movie.

"Oh, I know that name, isn't he the biggest french movie actor?" I demanded, Park, raising an eyebrow at me, maybe wondering how I know that name. "What? I can't know names, now?"

"Of course, you can, love." She reassured me, wrapping her other arm around my back. "I was just curious about how you know him." She continued, making me wonder how I was able to know that name if I don't remember anything from him...was it something from my memories that I don't have to recover?..."Comme quoi, on peut toujours être surprise.[Like what, we can always be surprised.]" Park spoke up in french

"Je ne peux rien, mon amour![I can't do anything, my love!]" I told her in perfect french, remembering the last time I did it...and it was during an interrogation. "Tu sais, je trouve ton accent français assez...sexy, Park.[You know, I found your french accent very...sexy, Park.]"

"Oh, et toi? Tu parles comme si tu as été française toute ta vie. [Oh, and you? You spoke like if you were french all of your life.]" She proclaimed before she took me for a kiss on the lips, feeling like a french kiss for me as she put her hands on my face for a long & tender. "Yirina, tu es parfaite, je t'aime! [Yirina, you're perfect, I love you!]" She whispered, passing her left hand in my redhead's hair before feeling it along my scar. "Tout est parfait, même ça.[Everything's perfect, even this.]" She pointed out at my scar

"Toi aussi.[You too.]" I grinned, putting my hand on her neck, my fingers getting along her scar, keeping a smile on her. "I should prepare something to eat for us," I suggested, going back to English and she slowly nodded.

"Of course and if we want, we can eat while watching this movie." She proposed and I nodded too as she left her arms off me, making me free and able to go up. "I love this moment, Yiri, you're so good to me." She smiled at me, taking my hands in her own.

"Because I love you, Park," I whispered, giving her my whole love, loving her so much as we both look at our hands, happy and with a smile on our faces, probably thinking about us...only us...

"Je veux rester avec toi...prendre soin de toi...pour toujours! [I want to stay with you...taking care of you...for always!]"