#well hey either way i'm learning a lot about writing and that's good i guess

[quatregats]

Hmmm am once again feeling the urge to start from scratch on this project and I need to really not

[r0semultiverse]

Mr. 6 made you do a good show to be released?? 👀 um....

This is already giving serious eye vibes.

A whole show dedicated to public humiliation?

The Mr. Bonzo suit started moving??? 👀 Serious stranger vibes. 🤡

"It actually became a sort of ritual"

I've seen people being like "don't cross tag" but buddy... the writing cross tags itself here I mean c'mon! 😂 Something something ritual of the stranger- okay, I'll keep listening!

Hey, what's with the music?? Hey, who is Terrance Menki???👀

"The police said there were eleven bodies in total and his wardrobe was full of all sorts of homemade costumes." BRO IS ACTUALLY MAGNUSPOD WILLIAM AFTON-

"It certainly had a profound effect on the Mr. Bonzo brand." Oh I'm sure it did, holy fucking shit. 👀

Oh, me using this image is rather ironic now.

"In a lot of ways I’m more his prisoner now than I ever was on my show." WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY THAT? 👀

"The witness statements from three murders over the last five years that claim a person in a Mr. Bonzo costume was at the scene? Do you think there could be a copycat?" Has the fear of clowns manifested as an actual clown-guything?

"Don’t contact us again." "Us?" "Why am I still trapped dealing with all this this- Why won’t he let me go?! Why-" So Mr. Bonzo is absolutely a clown cryptid of sorts with some sort of hold over Nigel.

Oh no, Gwen's about to fuck around & find out, isn't she? 👀

Hey, is Colin still himself & is he supposed to be back?

Hmm, okay, I guess that's him (hopefully).

"Maybe don’t tell them I’ve been on their terminals. They’ll only get the wrong idea." "If Lena asks, I wasn’t here." Seems like everyone's got their own little secret investigations going on, fun! This can only go well! 🙃

One of the episodes absolutely no one shows up to work except Lena is there & is like "where the fuck did everyone go?"

"Time to get some new hires again I guess."

Let's go!! Ruin exploration gang!!

"Like, it’s Saturday night and I’m choosing to hang out in a hole with you. A wet hole. And not the good kind either."

Alice with the absolute best quotes. lmao

That sounds like something with giant wings like a bat or some sort of cloth flapping in the wind. Let's hope it's the latter!

Oh a rusty old filing cabinet! Wait tetanus- 😭

"That carved floor in the big atrium – I don’t know what’s going on with that." Ah so we're just gonna breeze past that then. 😶

These are probably the remnants of old avatar creation test areas like mentioned in the Gerry & Gertrude episode. I'm just assuming here.

A key? Big find! Let's go!

AS I WAS SAYING-

Gwen, it was nice knowing you. 🫡

"Now get out of his house."

Archivist! 👁👄👁

"symbols of ancient otherworldly power"

Wait could this be a timeline where this universe's Jane Prentiss actually did manage to invade the building & succeed? I'm thinking out loud.

21:10 that sounds like critters, insects specifically 👀

"I have memories of weird stuff I saw here, but no context. I want to know what was happening, why they chose us… why they didn’t choose me. Maybe find the bit where everything started to go wrong." I am so captivated & intrigued please recount said memories to us- I mean Alice so we can learn more. Please. 👀

EXCUSE ME, WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT?!? WHO IS "[ERROR]?"

WHY DO THEY SOUND DISTORTED AS FUCK?? ARE THEY FROM THE PRIME TIMELINE OR IS THIS A NEW THING?

ARE WE GAZING OUR EYES UPON A WRETCHED THING FROM THE MAGNUS ARCHIVES?!

edit:

Is Lucia Wright an avatar of The Flesh now (in this universe or from the original timeline somehow)? Because it sure fucking sounds like it! 👀 Well, at least that key was put to good use! 😂

Also, supposedly Mr. Bonzo is a reference to Mr. Blobby.

Gwen, I'd be quaking in my boots too. That thing is terrifying!

Late observation but this universe & story seems to focus a lot on the cryptids & I like the direction it's going in! Loving this plot of cryptid hunters, childhood avatar experiments, a strange institute where our main character has past trauma, & just all of it is so good! 💜

Amazing episode, 10/10, I was at the edge of my seat the entire time! 💜 That Bonzo scene & the sound design were absolutely horrifying, thank you! The ending too! 🔥

[book-girl4evaaa]

╰┈➤ ❝STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE ❞ ˚ ☽˚ ｡⋆.

(Aka my 250 follower event!)

Gjdgdgkkddykh 250 people like me? This is wild! I love you all so much, you guys are awesome and you are like my best friends, thank you so so much <3

Here's my intro for the newbies

Anyways onto the event!

Hey new kid, greetings and salutations! Welcome to Westerberg High: the only high school on the planet that might literally have you dead before the second semester. The school where teen angst bs usually has a bodycount.

Yeah, this place is... A lot. Parties, hallway fights, lots of gossip and a little murder. I guess everyone here is a little damaged.

But, worry not, newbie, I've summoned my best friends and/or worst enemies (same difference!) to help you around this little thunderdome of a school.

Good luck! You'll probably need it...

Rules: 1 request per ask (although send as many asks as you want), and if an option has a "☽˚｡⋆." next to it, it's mutuals only! Also I'm quite slow at answering, sorry!

(Also the quotes are from memory so they might be a bit off lol)

╰┈➤ Veronica Sawyer

But I know, I know, I know / life can be beautiful / I pray, I pray, I pray / for a better way

Veronica knows a lot about this school, from whatever your angle

I'll give you some advice: you can give me a specific thing, or I'll just do something general stuff

╰┈➤ Heather Chandler ˚ ☽˚ ｡⋆.

I'd normally slap your face off / And everyone here could watch / But I'm feeling nice / Here's some advice / Listen up beeyotch

Heather Chandler has the whole school in the palm of her hand, and dresses like it

I'll pick you an outfit from Pinterest!

╰┈➤ Heather Duke

It's my turn / It's my prize / I spit lightning / Crack, boom!

Heather Duke is dangerously confident when given the chance

I'll give you a pep talk, either general or about something specific, and give you an inspirational quote

╰┈➤ Heather McNamara ˚ ☽˚ ｡⋆.

And I'm like, "damnit, I'm on the stupid bus again because all my rides to school are dead!"

Heather McNamara is a sweetheart, and can overshare

Ask me any question and I will answer

╰┈➤ Jason Dean ˚ ☽˚ ｡⋆.

We can start and finish wars / we're what killed the dinosaurs / we're the asteroid that's overdue

Jason Dean likes murder and poetry

I'll write you a poem (please give me a topic)

╰┈➤ Martha Dunnstock

What can I say? I'm a sucker for a happy ending

Martha loves stories, and has a huge heart

I'll give you an extract of one of my many wips :)

╰┈➤ Ram and Kurt ˚ ☽˚ ｡⋆.

"Did you actually just speak to me?" "My buddy Kurt just asked you a question." *Grunts of respect*

Kurt and Ram are inseparable

I'll assign you a book or character (please specify which you want)

Well pick wisely, new kid, if you want to make it through the year. But I hope things work out for you. If you need a hand anytime, call me; maybe we could grab a slushie.

Oh and by the way, me and the group are going for a movie night tonight, watching the princess bride. Stop by if you want...

And who knows? Maybe, this year, our school could finally be beautiful.

.⋆｡˚☾˚ We can be seventeen

We can learn how to chill

If no one loves me now

One day somebody will ˚ ☽˚ ｡⋆.

[preciousmomentsfigurine]

hey, is anyone still here? looks like the last time i was on here was two years ago and change. things are really different now, but i guess then again it would be weird if they were the same

i was thinking of returning to this dead site because for a good fifteen years it was a big part of my life and provided me with a unique way to express my thoughts and ideas and feelings and opinions and musings to an audience of people who can hear me but not truly know me outside of my words that i share on this platform. and on the same coin i enjoy following the lives of people i know nothing about and watching their stories and selves develop and evolve from a complete distance in every sense

i'm five months sober now

i have a hard time pinpointing when exactly i became an alcoholic, but i guess i could say i dealt with it in some degree for about eight years, and progressively, as it always goes

i graduated with my masters last may (2023) in critical media studies where i spent my time writing and researching feminist cultural social and media theory. i produced a great deal of work i was and am very proud of including a thesis that is honestly my life and heart's work but unfortunately over the course of those two years my drinking escalated rapidly and by the end i was manically and drunkenly banging out papers and essays in the dead of night sleepless and naively inspired

somehow i got a 4.0 though despite that. everyone in my life always says i played off my drinking well anyway. beats me how or why

once i graduated i practically immediately began drinking all day every day while somewhat-hardly-kind-of-not-really looking for work which was fruitless and i quickly learned my degree i worked so hard for meant practically nothing to employers who were merely looking for experience i dont have outside of my teaching background in grad school

for almost exactly a year i was drunk 100% of the time i was awake

same old story, at some point i switched to bottom shelf pints of vodka, which constituted my breakfast lunch and dinner. sat on my couch in my filthy apartment occupying my filthy poisoned failing body either watching tv or causing problems somehow

this was when i was twenty-nine. for a while now i had known in my heart of hearts i wasnt someone who would ever be able to handle my liquor or drink like a normal person, whatever that means, and that too much was never enough, and that it was literally impossible to function so long as booze was a part of my life. any attempts to "cut back" or "take breaks", i knew, would end the same way, which was waking up to shots of room temperature vodka and being a prisoner to the worst shame a person can feel

i figured once i turned thirty, which was this march, that would probably be about the time i got sick of my own shit and said goodbye to the bottle. which i undeniably felt a kind of affection toward as if it were a lover. still do in a sense and thats why ill never flirt with it again

my sobriety date is april 16th 2024. my last drink was a shot of vodka at 8:30 am on the 15th after creating massive gashes in my upper arm the previous evening during a blackout fight with my boyfriend

im still unemployed and extremely mentally ill and my bipolar has gotten progressively worse over the past couple of years and will likely continue to according to what the science says and all of that. after my last manic episode last month i adjusted my meds (again) and for now they seem to be working but i don't hold my breath really

i do AA and i like it a lot, i do it my own way, i have a sponsor who approaches the program liberally and progressively and shares many of my comorbidities and has allowed me the freedom to define my relationship to the program and god in a way that works for me and i have made incredible strides through this. i have become a far far far better person.

being sober is easy and i never want to drink. not once not ever

ive never worked so hard on myself in my life because i got as close to death as i ever had and ive been very close at many points in my life for many years. when i was drinking i knew i wouldnt make it to see 35 if i continued as i was

therapy, AA, meds, a whole fucking lot of discipline

ive been with my boyfriend for two years and wed like to get married. thats nothing that will happen anytime soon but it is nice to think about. he has been by my side through unimaginable things that any sane person would not have stuck around for. he is my heart and my soul

im also trying to start applying for jobs again but im genuinely on the fence if i am capable of holding a full time job due to my severe mental illness. im exploring a bunch of options right now as far as that whole thing goes. the future is very uncertain as always

let me know if you see this or remember me or anything.

bye for now

[chenfordspiral]

Okay, I’m sending this on here because this is where we first interacted. It has now made me think if this is the right day we met though, because the 14th was when we first started speaking on discord so was it the same day ? Anyhow 🤣 HAPPY BESTIE-VERSARY

We say this all the time, but I still can’t believe I met you because of Chenford and because you’re an indecisive bitch 🤣but thank goodness you are, because if you weren’t, I wouldn’t have met my best friend. I’m genuinely so grateful to have you in my life, like it’s just more enjoyable having you in it, so really, truly, Thankyou 🫶 my partner in chaos, my future roommate, my soul sister, my fellow witch in crime, i love you ❤️

I sometimes hate the internet (okay, a lot) and I mean, I do kind of have a point lmfao, but it did bring me my bestie so I guess I’ll say it’s not too bad 🤣

Btw, answer me back bitch, where are you ? Are you writing again ? Are you watching tbbt ? If you’re watching bones, I forgive you. If you’re not, I’m holding this against you for at least two days

Jk, love you lots 🫶

Well, for once I was actually not writing or watching anything but I *was* going over my notes for that multi chapter I've been planning since May and just told you about. I finally decided to choose the more painful route (yo welcome!), so normal stuff. Wait, does that also count as writing? Either way, I'm sorry for my late replies last night haha. You know I answered as soon as my tears were dry (do not recommend crying before going to sleep btw) not long after you texted me so please don't be mad at me for two days because just the thought makes me sad 😭

ANYWAY. I can't believe it's been a year! Feels like so much longer and yet like no time has passed at all. And you know what, I think that first tumblr interaction was just a day or two before? It says Feb 13th for me so I'm saying it was the 13th, which is definitely a sign girl. If anyone ever says that a TV show or a fictional couple can't change your life, they're wrong. Because look at this weird ass friendship we've build because of Chenford. I would not want to change it for the world because life is just so much better with you in it and I'm forever grateful I got mad at you and then DM'd you on discord a day later 😂 that was very unlike introverted, shy me but hey, I'm learning!

Future roommate, partner in chaos, fellow witch in crime, soul sister.. bestie. I love you lots too ♥️ happy bestie-versary 🫶🏻

[xiaq]

(this can be answered publicly) Hey X, pardon me if you’ve answered this before, but I was just curious on how you ended up transitioning from academia to tech and what role you started with in tech? Also, so you have any advice for someone looking to break into tech from a non-STEM background? Thank you!

Hey! I haven't answered it publicly but it's a popular question, so I will now (warning, long answer is long).

So I was so fed up with academia for sundry reasons I won't get into here but I wanted a career that would allow me to A. retire some day (something that paid generally well), B. would allow me some measure of work/life balance without high stress, and C. Would ideally let me use my communication/writing/speaking/presenting skills in some way.

My parents and my partner all work in tech and were like, "did you know that we desperately need people with your skillsets in the tech world?" and my partner, who works in technical sales was like, "You would kill at my job, I am not lying." And I was like, every job listing in technical sales that I see requires either a degree I don't have or past experience I don't have, or both, and my mother was like "Do you know how many mediocre resumes from unqualified men come across my desk? Apply for the damn positions anyway." So I reworked my resume to focus on applicable skills/experiences and wrote a cover letter for each position I applied to saying "hey, I know I'm an odd candidate but let me tell you why that's a good thing." And I got a lot of positive responses!

I was interviewing at 2 different tech places when I accepted the offer for my job now. I had an initial screening call interview with HR, then a zoom interview with the hiring manager, and then I was given access to a limited demo environment and had a week to teach myself the software and put together a demo for a fake customer which I did for the hiring manager (my future boss), one of my current peers, and the VP of the org. I was offered the job the same night I did my fake demo. So in total it was a 2 week interview process, and I started working 2 weeks later. **

I'm a pre-sales solutions consultant, which basically means I'm paired with a sales guy who does all the money and business value talk with customers, while I get to learn about a customer's data problems and then demo for them how our products can address those problems.

The learning curve was (and still is) steep. But it was basically like going back to school, and I've always loved learning new things. The job is super fun. It fulfills all of my wants I listed above with the added bonus of being completely remote (aside from occasional travel to meet with customers for in-person demos). The people I work with are supportive, management is communicative and constantly giving me feedback/talking about my trajectory. I've won internal awards, already received two raises and one promotion and I haven't even been there a year. I'm making more than double what I did as a professor and the concept of retirement doesn't feel like a laughable pipe dream anymore. I miss teaching a lot, but I'm healthier, happier, and better prepared for the future now. And my work is genuinely fulfiling because I'm showing people how they can fix problems. Also, playing with data management software and putting together custom demos is neat. It's like all the best parts of a college project--research, making a preso, knocking everyone's socks off while giving the preso, but I'm getting paid for it. I'm glad I followed my mom's advice.

So I guess my advice is the same as hers: even if you're not "qualified," apply for the position anyway. Make custom cover letters for each position and if there's not a way to include the letter with the app, do some googling and find the hiring manager on LinkedIn and message/email them. The person who hired me said that my cover letter was what got me the initial interview. So that shit works. If you have friends or family working somewhere with open positions, use those connections. Having an internal referral will go a long way to getting your resume looked at. I know we're all like, boo nepo babies, but networking is a huge part of any industry. Use it to your advantage if you have the advantage (no, I'm not working for my parent's companies, but if there'd been an open position I was interested in, I would have applied for it. No shame).

**I also, on the side, applied for the Austin Fire Department because why not. After a whole lot of mental and physical prep, I was accepted to the academy (in the first class, no less, holla) right before I was offered my current job. But I had to be realistic and say that probably wasn't a good long-term career option for someone who is 110lbs and was barely meeting the physical testing requirements who also has issues with getting overwhelmed in high-input sensory situations. So. Into the tech world I went. This side note just to say, I was keeping my options very open and there's nothing wrong with that either, lol.

I hope this helps!

[xokohaneazusawa]

HEY!! sending in the matchup as promised!!

i'll give you some freedom when it comes to fandoms. you can match me up with anyone from HSR or BSD (not both, just pick one lmao. just giving you some freedom)

so obviously i kinda have a few names but usually i go by yugen and any pronouns!! i don't have a preference on characters but i'm assuming this is romantic so like... obviously no kids because that'd be weird.

uhh i really like reading and writing ofc. i'm a big collector so i like to collect a lot of figures. i also really like darker aesthetics when it comes to fashion. i also really like psychology because i think it's interesting. idk why i'm struggling to list out what i like tbh. I LIKE TO COOK AND BAKE TOO!!

dislikes... i don't really like bugs, mostly the massive ones like... why do they exist... i also tend to dislike people who think everything revolves around them. really annoying type yk...

hobbies i guess i already listed but i think you have a good grasp of my personality since we yap so much... i'm an INTJ though! and a september virgo (sun sign). idk if you want the whole list but that's my sun sign.

i'm actually a pretty moody person which i hate to admit but i am. sometimes i get moody and act all bitchy to everyone when there's literally nothing wrong idk... i'm a weird mix of extremely laid back and chill but at the same time i have a short temper.

love languages uhmmm... i really like to give gifts to show people that i love them because i'm not a very touchy person. quality time is also a big one!! from my partner i do like to receive gifts as well and occasionally physical touch.

my appearance is like... basic as hell. i've got glasses and brown eyes & brown hair. i like to paint my nails black if that even matters LMAOO there's nothing notable about my appearance tbh

I think you’d go well with…

Tecchou Suehiro!

-> Y'all would be confused together, you probably weren't the best when you first started out, but you knew that you liked him and he liked you and you went from there -> Bro doesn't understand you sometimes, based on some of the things you say and the way that you talk he doesn't always pickup what your putting down and you might have to translate for him to actually understand, he's a little dense sometimes -> Man who can watch ants for 6 hours x person who hates bugs. what a match made in heaven. I'm kidding (partially) doesn't particularly mind very much a 'to each their own' kinda person, you'll just have to eventually tell him that he's been there for quite a bit of time and he'll leave and go do something else, most likely just kinda hanging out with you in a some room if he's not busy -> He probably won't introduce you to Jouno, he knows that you don't like people who have a perspective that things revolve around them and at some points he does kinda act like that, so better to keep you away from people you'll get pissed off at -> Will get confused when all of a sudden you start acting kinda bitchy, thinks it's his fault everytime and will apologize without fail every time, even if it's not his fault. -> Doesn't mind that you're laid back, so is he. He loves just spending some time together doing whatever. Reading? sure. Watching some random show? Sure. He doesn't mind as long as he's with you -> Gets a little surprised everytime you give him a gift, no matter how big or small. He very much appreciates them and when he learns that's how you show your affection he likes them all the more. He has a little basket and stuff with all the things you get him if he can't bring them into the office. But in his office is also a bunch of stuff that either reminds him of you, or things that you got him

Other potential matchups - Tachihara Michizou and Chuuya Nakahara

[ducknotinarow]

//slightly unneeded post in that i know im being at best dramtic and dumb and hey theres a good chance the things im worrying about even happen. its just...I really do need to voice how I am feeling or im worried imma just get hung up on it you know?

as stated in previous posts. Due to some changes in my job my work schedule is going to change and my worry is I won't be able to write due to said change, And that got me feeling sad. This is a hobby I generally enjoy doing and I feel lucky that those of you who write with me constantly continue to do so. Thing is I am sadly someone who tries a lot of my self into my creative outlets and when something gets in the way of me creating? it dose effect me. I'm feeling like im failing you if im not gonna be able to keep stuff on the blog which yes i see thats not ture just feels like im giving something up that i generally love and its got me in my feelings for like no reason what so ever.

I was hopefully for stuff to keep as gap filler but ehh I dunno as stated the previous head cannon like stuff didnt seem well received and I was asked about having things sent in but ehh it's not meant to be taken in any negative way just I really do mean it when I said it wasn't a big deal. Because it's not I understand why no one sent anything in im not holding anything against anyone this is me being that way and I would hope people know that isn't the kind of person I am in the first place. So why take those posts down? eh I dunno just maybe they weren't interesting and ya fair. And I dont want people to feel like they own me anything. Ya know cause you don't why I say its not a big deal. Why I spent some free time looking for hopefully fun things that I can through in if I do run into a day where I couldn't type. Cause eh i wouldn't wanna give a half assed reply just for the sake of it you know? I dunno I feel that be an insult to the person who sent in the ask I guess.

Over all i'm just kind of fighting my brain at the moment feeling guilty when i don't gotta cause I know if anyone else was feeling how I feel? I wouldn't be telling them the things i'm thinking of myself. Just I dunno its the one creative outlet I take part in daily so i think thats why I am feeling how I am I am actively learning how to work with my brain currently and I guess this is just a good stepping stone for that. Still..I hate feeling how I am currently. I just dont wanna burn myself out on it either but yeah I am genuinely sorry for any days I may not have anything to post.

~ray

[bittybeanie]

Finally an account that does mob psycho! I appreciate your service! Could you write a scenario about going to the mall with Serizawa? Just looking at the cute stores, buying Seri some new clothes, maybe reader is looking for a fancy dress, maybe they stop by a lingerie store idk 👀 anything would be lovely!

happy to be of service!! this was such a cute idea i couldn't decide what angle i wanted to take, so here are two lil connected snippets! basically, you're both trying to find fancy clothes to wear to an event together- please enjoy!

also on ao3!

(update: this fic has art by the incredible @butterysalt! newly featured in the header, you can find just the art on their page here! go show them so much love!)

"Oh, you can handle it! This is barely anything. Besides, having your hands go numb from too many bags is an essential part of the mall shopping experience. I promise this is so authentic and neccessary." Against your words, you hold out a couple fingers to grab the handles of his bags. He lets go and sighs gratefully, rubbing his hands together to get feeling back into his fingers. You start to lean as you realize the bags were much heavier than you first thought, and you have to do some quick shuffling to avoid toppling over into him.

"I know you said it was easy to get distracted, but I guess I wasn't expecting…"

"Yeah, sorry. I just wanna make sure I don't forget anything we actually came here for."

"I get it. I really don't mind." He smiles that smile at you, the one that always makes your face light up and your heart sing and your worries and doubts and regrets sound like dull buzzing of the past underneath the loud simmer of your affection for him, and he points at a set of chairs in the nearby walkway. "This is my first time having to get so dressed up. I'm learning a lot."

"Well, it's not like I'm a pro at it either. You've seen what I wear to the office sometimes." He laughs and nods, and he tugs gently on your arm to steer you away from bumping into somebody. When your shoulder brushes against his arm, you take advantage of it to lean your head against him before leading him across the stream of people toward the chairs. You set your bags down and roll your wrists, looking around for a map. "I didn't think it would take quite this long to find something good, though."

"I promise, I don't mind." He taps the top of your head with one finger. You hum, so he leans down and presses a kiss in the spot he just tapped. As he stands back up, you lock your arms around his neck and pull him into a proper kiss, albeit one that's much too quick for your liking. You are in public, though, and having him spontaneously combust just wouldn't do, so you'll have to settle for his nervous laughter and wobbly smile for now. "Especially if I get more of those."

"So you're saying you wouldn't mind even if we stopped at every single store, right?"

"Well…"

"Ooh, and what about that one? Something for you, perhaps?" You nudge his side and point your elbow toward the lingerie store just behind you. He barely glances before snapping his head in the opposite direction. When his hand comes up to rub at the back of his neck, you're honestly not sure if his discomfort is emotional or physical.

"I… don't think I'm their target audience." You catch even yourself off guard by how loudly you laugh. You slap a hand over your mouth, clearing your throat in an attempt to disguise your remaining giggles.

"Well, I admit that would be pretty fun to see." You take a mental screenshot of the way his cheeks light up, filing that information away to use later. "But I meant for you. Like… as a present?"

"But you… Oh! I-I-I see! You don't need- I mean I don't need- it's not- we, um. That is-"

"Hey, baby." You tap a finger over his lips, and he stops talking just long enough to nod. "I'm just teasing." His smile is still lopsided and his cheeks are still warm, but his shoulders creep away from his ears when you kiss him, and you think you might just melt from how endearing it is. You pull away to slip the bags back over your arm, laughing when he jerks forward to snatch some away from you. "We should focus on what we came for, anyway. But, if you change your mind, let me know."

He shifts all his bags to one hand and reaches for you with the other, rolling his eyes as he pulls you toward the second floor.

+

You'd be lying if you said you weren't worn down by now. You'd started off hopeful and excited, but one store after another had been a disappointment, and if this one didn't meet your standards you were probably going to have to go home with nothing helpful to show for the hours you'd spent. Serizawa was doing his best to remain cheerful, but you could tell it was getting to him, too. You believed him - and agreed - when he said he was just happy to spend the time with you, but it was way more people than he was used to being around, and you could see the pinch at the ends of his smile and feel the way his hand twitched in yours when the volume swelled. You wanted to get him home.

"Let's make this the last one."

He didn't have the energy to fight you, just nodding and squeezing your hand.

You wander around, scanning the rows of clothing as you make your way down the main aisles.

"Should we just go home? I might just be tired, but I don't see anything good." He hums, low in the back of his throat, so you nod, turning to head for the door. Your arm jerks as you feel resistance, and you look back to find him staring off into the distance.

"Wait." He points to a mannequin in the back corner, then to another a couple racks over. "What about those?"

"Holy shit." They're clearly separate outfits given their distance apart, but everything about them looks like they were made to go together - from the color, to the fabric, to the pattern of how the stitching on the sides is tailored. "Katsuya."

"Hmm?"

"You're a fashion genius."

"I am?"

You don't have time to see his pleased expression before he's stumbling to follow behind you, practically running as you pull him along. You set your bags down to rummage through the racks, and he picks them up just in time to catch the clothes you haphazardly chuck at him.

"Sorry! Stay there!"

"R-right!" He straightens, standing awkwardly still as he waits for you to sprint over to the other rack and find the right size of everything for the other outfit. You sling everything over your shoulder and take the clothes back from him, looping your hand into the crook of his elbow to drag him to the fitting room.

You push the door open for him before slipping in behind him to lock it. He looks a little shell-shocked as he sets the bags down in the corner, and you drop the clothes onto the bench to reach for him. You slide your hands up both sides of his face and pull him down to press a gentle kiss to the tip of his nose.

"Sorry. I got very excited."

"I noticed." He tilts his head to kiss you fully, and your fingers slide back into his hair. "It was cute."

You click your tongue, ruffling his hair as you pull away to hide your flustered state. "Oh, stop flattering me and put these on." You pick his set of clothes out of the pile, wrinkled as all hell by now, and hold them out in one hand as your sift through your own clothes with the other.

"Okay." He gently takes the clothes, a huge smile plastered across his face, and you can't resist the urge to kiss him one more time.

Ordinarily, you would take every chance you had to tease him in a situation like this, but both of you are so tired that you strip without much pretense, throwing your clothes in a pile by the door like it's your hamper back at home. He laughs when you trip trying to take your shoe off and lets you scramble to catch his shoulder, but otherwise keeps his eyes politely in the other direction. It's not until both of you have stopped moving that you look over at each other, and you take a sharp breath in as you survey him.

"Damn." You reach up to straighten his tie, smoothing your hand down his chest as your gaze makes its way down his figure. "You clean up nice, Serizawa."

He's too busy staring at you to respond. You'll take that as a good sign.

"Here, let's see…" You put your hands on his hips to spin him toward the mirror, and he seems to blink himself back to awareness as you take your place beside him. He holds his arm out to let you wrap your elbow around it, and he smiles when you lean against him. "What do you think? Do we look good, or what?"

"Yeah." His voice is breathy, and it makes your own breathing catch in your throat. He pulls his arm out of your grasp and reaches around behind you, resting his hand on your hip to pull you against him again. He presses his nose into your neck, kissing you as soon as you lean toward him, before straightening to rest his chin on your head. You can feel him surveying you more than you can see it, and your temperature shoots up when his hand tightens on your hip.

"Hey…"

"Mhm?"

"Can we go back to that...?"

You blink, looking up at his face in the mirror.

"You said to tell you if I changed my mind, so..."

You bury your face in his chest and let out a breathy chuckle. "Tell you what." You pull yourself away from his side to lay your original clothes out. "When we get home, we can do some online shopping instead." You don't miss the way his gaze hovers as you pull the fabric over your head - just high enough over your shoulder that he could say he wasn't looking if pressed, but close enough that you both know he's staring. "That way we can both be flustered in peace. Deal?" He slips a finger into the knot of his tie and jerks his hand out. It comes easily undone, one end fluttering across his wrist to drape down his arm as he swallows thickly.

"Deal."

[silvertsundere]

Silver Talks AniManga (17/09/23)

turns out we actually got jump today after all let's go babyyyyyy also one more new series in this serialization round next week but it's about ice skating so not super interested, but we'll see how it is

blue - finale/completed green - new series/new to me

Anime

Atelier Ryza Ep12 (Finale)

nice and chill finale for a chill anime. no sequel announced or hinted at so I guess that was the point of them adding that plotline with empel and lila hunting down the philuscha monster thing. anime was nothing to write home about, the animation was serviceable and never really dipped in quality because of that, the music was from the game so it was good and the voice acting was good as well. some episodes felt really slow but it just be like that when you're adapting a JRPG let alone an atelier one lol. I enjoyed it overall anyway, ryza is super cute and I love her so this anime was basically just an excuse for me to indulge myself in her cuteness for 20 minutes. they also had a lot of klaudia ryza moments which I greatly appreciate. if you've never played the game and want to know if this is a good introduction/starting point.. you should just play the game. you don't really get anything out of this you wouldn't out of the game and you get the whole story instead of just like half of it.

Pokemon Horizons Ep22

nice and action filled episode for once with the return of the original villains and the appearance of this pink chicken. I thought it was p funny moltres is another of the ancient party members since the other is shiny ray and the arboliva which isn't legendary but we'll see how the rest of the party is. also the episode ended on a cliffhanger and I thought that was fucked up since the anime is gonna be on break 2 weeks between cours but that's apparently only next week tehe

Manga

Do Retry Ch19 (Finale)

nice final chapter for do retry, 18 felt a lot like a finale too but this one was a timeskip, all the way to present day, following aozora's grandkid, him going to his funeral and learning about his past. as for the series overall it was...ok. it started with a good impression with some strong art fruit of the author's previous assistant work for matsui but the quality wasn't consistent. the story felt alright at first but as soon as MMA entered the magazine you could really see the gap in their quality. ofc it's not that fair to compare a newcomer to a veteran but still. and then came the cancelation which made the story speed up even more which didn't help it either making it end up as a pretty weak series. I'd say the author could do a better job on their next series but I think they'd be better suit to do some more assistant work for a bit before trying again, but hey I'd rather read another do retry than ichinose so it's not all bad.

Kagurabachi Ch1

hey that was pretty good, I liked it a lot more than mamayuyu last week. the art looked serviceable during the downtime scenes but I really liked how the action looked. also, as is known, I'm a huge slut for swords so having a katana based series like this is like a treat, just for me :). not much to say about the story since they didn't really reveal much either, seems like a standard fare revenge story but we'll see how it goes.

Kaiju 8 Ch93

the hoshina fight is finally over, it was a lot longer than I expected considering the others but it was VERY cool I've always liked hoshina since he's a Swordsman™ and this fight really showed how cool he is. was pogging out my gourd when he went santouryuu. only 2 more fights left now til we get the big climax one with hibino

MamaYuyu Ch2

oh hey would you look at that, I guessed it right last week and their world is getting invaded by demons. we'll see next week how the action goes cause it'll be mc's first time fighting. also gonna take some more time to get used to the weird paneling but it had some neat ones like chap 1 again

Blue Box Ch117

great chap, not only did taiki get his first major w but we also had this cute moment with him saying natsu's name without the honorific

Martial Master Asumi Ch13

great chap too, nito's first official fight started off with a bang and we finally got to see his long teased super move. ofc the next fights won't be so easy but that makes me look forward to them more

[iantimony]

tuesday!

listening: like everyone and their mother i listened to the new hozier songs this week. they're fine! i dont have any particularly strong feelings about them either way yet, i think i need to relisten to them a few times for it to really get processed, but they were good enough that i'll certainly listen again. i also went and relistened to wasteland, baby because of it and that album still slaps. also, this cherry wine cover:

is very good. i also relistened to the staves' album dead & born & grown because i realized i have windows facing west hehe. what else...my partner's citypop playlist was my music for driving home from the airport on sunday? i wont link that one i'm not sure if it's public or not. and then gym playlist this week was just one of the spotify-made mixes that kinda slams tbh, very early-00s to 10s metal/emo music lol

i've also gotten back into twilight mirage after a bajillion years. it's good! none of the characters really stick in my head besides tender sky and fourteen fifteen unfortunately but hopefully as i listen more they'll become more distinct entities in my head.

reading: i finished the birthday of the world while i was visiting my grandma for spring break!

"solitude": hmmm. this one was interesting. it left me with a lot of questions but i think that might have been the point. 6/10.

"old music and the slave woman": i think i might have benefited from more background, i was mostly able to piece together the factions but i definitely had to puzzle over it a bit. apparently there are a lot of links to stories in another collection, four ways to forgiveness, and i'm thinking that i might have wanted to read those first. 4/10.

"the birthday of the world": title story! felt very different from all the other stories in the book, probably because this one and the following novella are the only two set outside of the hainish universe. i liked it. no strong feelings in any particular direction, i don't think. 5/10.

"paradises lost": the novella! i LOVED this one. i dont know if i was somehow exposed to it as a kid, or i learned about generation ships as a story concept from somewhere else, but i often thought about writing a short story about what religion on a generation ship would look like and turns out what i was envisioning already exists. the concept of the cult of bliss felt very realistic and almost obvious in hindsight as something that was bound to happen. i know it's left open on purpose but i reallllly want to know what happened to the ship after it left. i really loved the themes of this one. 9/10.

watching: i watched an episode of the mystery show 'vera' with my grandma when i was visiting lol. it was cute! very kitschy, genre fodder! i liked it! i was very confused because the closing quip/shot seemed to be about the titular character...shoplifting a jacket or something???? like she asked her coworker if she looked any different and he was like ? and she was like ok great and the final shot is her sitting in her car seat and annoyedly ripping the tag off her jacket, so like, ???? not sure if that's a Thing that people know just from watching a lot of it but shrug.

making: iiiiii did not work on my knitting project at all LOL but i did make my neocities site! here she is! still very in progress but hey :D

misc: trip to visit grandma/s and family went fine! everyone is doing well. back to the grind this week.

oh so the gift from my SO: he likes metalworking and similar things so he made me this necklace!

it is, apparently, titanium with embedded sapphire ball bearings! the ball bearings glow in the dark after UV exposure and they're the prettiest shade of teal, it's also a very satisfying fidget texture-wise. he asked me a few months ago what my favorite constellation is and i went "......cassiopeia i guess?? why???" "oh no reason" this was the reason. it's very nice i love it so much

finally, ive started noting down my workout stuff on my dreamwidth page as well! i thought it could be cool to keep track of what weights i'm using over time, what exercises i like and don't like, etc. so that's on there tagged as gains. huzzah

[kiyaar]

Hey Kiyaar, I know we haven't talked too much, so I hope I'm not bothering you during a low spoon period, but I'd been getting a little bit into astrology when you posted your 'calculating natal charts for blorbos with maximum traumatic impact' post and it was really clear and straightforward and I really enjoyed reading it! So I figured maybe I could take a chance and message you to see if you could point me in the direction of astrology resources you've found useful (book or web)?

Because it turns out my latest bout of health issues that have completely kicked my ass, (and have still not recovered from in 6 years,) started on my Saturn return and uhhhh I just learned Jupiter returns are also a thing and my Jupiter is in Taurus so mine is about to start in May, (followed by my north node return in Pisces in 2025,) and I keep trying to look for ways to make it hopefully kick my ass less because honestly I am beyond exhausted right now. But all the sites I keep looking at are very froo-froo three-sentence-paragraph-summaries useless when it comes to advice for dealing with a Jupiter/north node return and the lack of useful information is starting to make me into a ball of anxiety, (or more of one than normal). If you have the spoons to spare to in order to pass along any resources you'd recommend I'd be incredibly grateful. If not, I hope you have a better day soon. I'll send you some good vibes either way.

@loving-that-officey-feel I am SO SORRY i took a year and a day to answer this HI, please do not worry, I very much love this question, I have several resources for you and my favorite one and the most comprehensive is my go-to Just Forks resource, and it is The Astrology Podcast w Chris Brennan. You can listen on any platforms or directly on the website, or I guess you can watch the eps on Youtube because sometimes they will show you visually the chart they are talking about and that's helpful if you need ref visuals. I listen to a lot of these while I have migraines. The eps range from very accessible to incredibly advanced topics, and it's been running for years so there is a wealth of knowledge there. Check out the ep on the nodes (290 + also 127). Like sometimes I am like. I don't really understand [concept] that keeps getting mentioned. I wonder if there is an ep on that. There is. I like this podcast because his approach is incredibly scholarly (he is very Saturnian and I like that) and he brings tons of people on and he generally has v good taste in guests. They're all super weird and interesting. If you want to learn the landscape, he has a series on each planet and on each sign and even just listening to those one by one gives you a framework. You're asking me about a specific transit and I really like Robert Hand's books, I have one of them (Planets in Transit) but there are several; I am always on the lookout for a copy of Planets in Aspect at my used bookstore. He is like. An old man who I believe has a background in Hellenistic Astrology, so his books don't include the Nodes and are speculative about some Uranus transits because most people only experience Uranus transiting into a new house once per lifetime and he wrote it in the 70s. But it's great ref for looking up transits as they happen/what they are specifically doing in my chart. ETA I have, since writing this, listened to an ep of the astrology podcast that indicated that Robert Hand wrote this book and it then ended up becoming like a cornerstone text and held up remarkably well esp considering the stuff about Pluto (newer discovery). The nodes are a thing from Evolutionary Astrology, which is some new age stuff and people most commonly ascribe the NN/SN to current life path/past life baggage/gifts, which isn't like. My favorite. I I think maybe it can be useful to think of the South Node as a representation of stuff you're naturally good at/fluent in, and the North Node as stuff that you need to work consciously to lean into more because it will help you if you do. Mostly the nodes just tell you where the eclipse cycles for the next few years are gonna be and help you situate that in your chart. On Jupiter return - this is general because I can't see your chart or know what's aspecting your jupiter/other taurus placements, etc, but generally Jupiter returns are nicer (unless you have a really debilitated Jupiter for some reason), I would worry more about that Saturn return! How Jupiter in Taurus is gonna be really depends on what house it's in (it's not a bad Jupiter placement), and how it's aspecting your chart ruler/malefics in your chart. I hope this helps! Other books I've been wanting to look at but haven't include Chani's You Were Born For This (I like her app too) Anti-recs: Co-Star (app), Jessica Lanyadoo (i'm tired of hearing her tell everyone to try mindfulness), most tiktok astrologers (they all pass around the hot transit content every 3-4 days) If i missed anything or didn't answer to your satisfaction my box is open!

[purplesurveys]

1829

Do a lot of people tell you that you are funny? Usually it's only my friends, but that's also because I only try to be funny around them haha. I'm pretty serious/formal with most others cause it's hard to tell what kind of humor they have and I don't want to possibly offend.

Have you gone to a tanning bed lately? No and I never need to. I get tan for free where I live, lol.

What did you do on the Fourth of July? After checking my IG archives, all I did that day was work from home and post some outtakes from my Bangkok trip as I was apparently still on a vacation high.

Do you ever watch Hannah Montana? I watched the first two seasons, but it was around that time that we moved houses and we couldn't afford cable yet, so I was never able to catch up with the rest of the show. I still really liked Hannah Montana though and had her first album and even the Wii game. I think I even owned a couple of bedazzled Hannah Montana tops haha.

Do you think Miley Cyrus is a good role model? She must be to a certain audience, I guess?

Do you have nice legs? I like them, at least.

Are you good at decorating? No, that's what I need my sister for haha.

Have you ever been to Ohio? No.

Do you like southern accents? No.

Do you watch Big Brother? No, never saw the appeal.

How old is the oldest person who has ever liked you? Only one person has and they're the same age as I am.

Do you get intimidated easily? I try not to.

Do you get a shower every day? Pretty much, yes.

Do you like mountain biking? Nope, I can't even bike.

What is something you like to do for fun? Watching wrestling, painting, and learning about either social history or prominent family trees.

Do you remember a lot of things from whenever you were a child? Well, yes. I had a darker childhood than all my peers, and a sure side effect of that is developing a sharper memory...

What was something good that happened to you this week? I managed my last event for the account that I negotiated to get off of and from now til the end of March I just need to oversee turnovers.

Have you ever been to Ireland? Never been.

Do you have a lot of shoes? It's not a closet's worth but it's definitely more than enough!

Would you rather go out to eat or make dinner yourself? I'd rather choose from the pantry.

Do you like The Goonies? I've never seen it.

Would you ever consider being a photographer? I did, but I realized it wasn't for me. Photography is an art, and I am no good at art.

What is something that you aren't good at? I'm awful at any sort of creative writing. < Hey, same!

What is something you really regret? Buying running shoes that cost way more than how much I'm willing to pay for shoes. I thought it'd make me get into running.

Running just sucks.

Do you think you have a lot of friends? No, and it's okay. I get what the adults mean now - your circle really does get smaller the older you get, and that's ok! I actually prefer it this way! Hahaha.

Do you like to answer questions in detail? Yeah I tend to be a big blabberer hahaha.

Who are the texts in your inbox from? They're all work people.

What is something you wear everyday? Just airy and thin stuff since I live in a country that's well over 32C everyday and it wouldn't make sense to wear thicker tops and jeans or sweatpants at home.

What clothing store do you really like? Shopee and IG stores...hahahaha.

Do you have a lot of chores? I'm in charge of a handful but I wouldn't call it 'a lot.' We share equally.

[shuxiii]

hey shuu!! it's me hahaiahsja twice in a day who would've thought

this might be a bit (a lot) big because I just finished my run through of next door and cat page after so long of neglect due to school, so here's your warning for that!!

I'll begin with cat page because I'm excited ashdjam I'm not even going to lie one of the first reasons I put a hold on my reading of it was because the thought of hating cats hurt my heart in many ways and I wasn't prepared for it (even if it would pass and it wasn't anything too evil aaaahasjje) but haerin being petty in the latest chapters had me laughing so much it got me excited to go back to reading cat page as soon as I could!

it makes me cackle so much how cp!yn changed completely because of a crush hahahakshaksj although definitely not in an extreme case like hating cats I too have changed my ways to please a crush in the past and it's so funny seeing this from an outsider perspective I'm loving it (also please don't ever change yourself for someone else unless it's actually a bad habit because people should love you from who you are)

also a bit of a side note but everytime hyein is the younger sister it feels like she's either too stressed or being pulled into complicated stuff that it's none of her business I never know if I should laugh or be concerned tbh 😭😭

and sebastian whiskers is such a funny but actually good name you're a genius shu, a genius.

also also!! haerin being jealous is so funny I'm having so much fun you're insane with humour aaahahdjdj

but I'll stop for now and begin talking about next door already before this actually becomes an essay (I'm so sorry if this is way too big but I don't know if I'll have time today to send more asks so it's easier to send everything together while I can 😅)

now I'll begin this part saying that I love learning new words 🥰 everytime you write a word that's not in english and explain to us the meaning I get all tinglish with excitement because I love learning about other languages and cultures and it's so cool and aaaaahahdhsksj and there's so many of them in next door I love it hihi 😊

and as a musician!! I actually got a bit offended when han said "stupid guitar" on the first chapter I'm not even gonna lie but jake irritates me so much more like mate excuse me I'm trying to enjoy my childhood ""enemies"" to lovers drama can you please move out of the way???

but anyways! poor haerin and dani being pulled into their sisters dramas they deserve a hug and a ice cream each!!

"excuse me?" "you're excused" had me seated with a big bucket of popcorn so hard why are you so good?? aaaaaaahskahdhsk shu you– you bring an unhinged expressionism out of me it actually scares me I love your stuff so much here's a heart 💜

oh! also also! the fact that next door!han is blonde is such a good character detail giving how her personality is here it fits so much!!! you and your amazing brain are so lovely aaajashdj

and their moms and minji being the biggest hanyn shippers they're so cute 🥰 like that's an unspoken rule I have with my stories I think all my childhood friends to lovers have their parents shipping them together because it's just so funny to write that (specially the grandmas I love making grandmas ask every family gathering if the characters are already dating aahskajs)

anyways! I'll speedrun this because it's already feeling like an end of the year school essay and I don't wanna give you that kind of headache hahahaksjdjq

nd!jake makes my blood boil how does a person do that to hanni???? he's so heartless souless foolish I hope his layla bites his ankle so he can't play anymore >:(

well I guess this is it! sorry for it being humongous 😅😅

have a good night amazing shu!!

bye bye shu <3

Oh my god UWBSUAHAHA THIS ASK IS A LITERAL ESSAY 😭😭 SOME KIND OF LONG FIC 😭😭😭😭IM SO FLATTERED AUZBAUSHSH IM EMBARRASSED U TOO UR TIME TO WRITE FOR ME… USZHSUHS I HOPE U ENJOY READING MY SMAUS AND IM SORRY IF I CANT WRITE AND RECIPROCATE UR LONG WORDS BUT THIS MADE ME GASP and i hope u have a good day too AJDHSUS IM FLATTERED U LOVE MY HUMOR AND WRITING LOVE UU

[weabooweedwitch]

Different anon here, I really appreciate when you vent here. Yeah you don't have perfect thoughts, you're not a self-sacrificing saint of patience and virtue, but seeing someone let out those thoughts without worrying about always seeming like the objectively correct person in every single situation is very liberating to me personally. I've been in a very similar family situation, and I also know I was not an angel in those circumstances either. Seeing someone else willing to talk about the nitty gritty shit instead of just "oh woah is me for they are toxic and I am but a fragile victim" fuck ESPECIALLY after you got raided for it? You're brave as fuck, brutally honest as fuck, and anyone can respect your feelings, but fuck I respect YOU. I hope you're able to cut ties eventually and live a more fulfilling life, my life didn't feel like it started until I was able to break free. I'll hold out hope for you :) (and also keep an eye out if you ever decide to take comms again because I totally missed that and would've jumped on it.)

I mean don't get me wrong, I do think and kind of analyze how I must be perceived when I say certain things, not in the sense that I adjust what I say but more so internally thinkg "I probably sound like a POS right now" but like, since part of the reason I vent is for, I guess, to help clarify certain things and, get feedback if people feel the urge to, that only comes from being honest, idk? Like I guess, not that I'm really saying this is her fault, but my mom told me "oh they only believe you because they plonly heard YOUR story" so many times I just settled into "ok well if I tell EVERYTHING as I can remember it, then I'll have more information to tell if I was right or wrong".

Like for sure I definitely overshare a lot but I also try and genuinely use it not just as comfort and just, letting loose of those negative feelings, but it's also like I guess, a diagnostic tool to gauge the situation? Idk does that make sense? Like sure I COULD write in a diary that only I can see, but would that help me realize if I'm making a mistake or if I AM the victim? Does that "answer" my racing anxious thoughts? It's like that. It's like a problem I'm trying to find the solution for.

Tbh me continuing to vent after the whole raid thing is kind of in itself a very co-dependant behavior on my part because it's sort of like, I am directly making myself a target for people to potentially really try and wound me, but it's also like, the pain of having to keep everything inside and not knowing "what I'm supposed to think" or if I'm right or wrong or, even just not being heard is really much more painful to me. The doubt and curiosity and guilt for, so many things in my life can literally eat me alive sometimes.

And I even recognize that my mom has done and tried a lot for me, more than a lot of other parents. But that also doesn't erase a lot of the issues we have? Like even if I learn to calm myself down and act more, I guess, appropriately, I would still be constantly hurt by these behaviors of hers? It would still be incredibly stressful to see her scold me for things she does all the time, and I'm still upset about how I can't even go "please don't interrupt me" and her immediate response being "but YOU interrupt ME all the time" like there is definitely a mutual respect and self improving that needs to go on, I by no means consider myself perfect in any way but I will say that I consider myself better than her at reading poeple and trying to behave appropriately and empathetically. one thing that had bonded us when I was younger was, it sounds fucked up in hindsight but when we were having so many problems with my sister we would be discussing like, what do we do, how do we act around her, hey did you notice that thing she did that might be a symptom, and my mom would tell me I was so so good at predicting how my sister would respond, not even inherently in a manipulative way, like I would go "im afraid if we tell her XYZ that that will only make her angry and she won't want to talk to us" and even with these recent stressful events with her, she praised me for being able to try and communicate with my sister as best I could and even after, like, that really stressful awful visit, she turns to me and says "you were right, you were totally right, she did exactly what you thought she would do"

And its like, I just wish, she respected me enough to try and give some credence and, idk, if im smart enough when talking about everything else, why am I never smart enough when I say "hey mom this thing you did, i think was wrong and it hurt me" or even just "hey mom please don't do that thing, I think that's really irresponsible and could backfire on us" and she just gets defensive. Like, to list an example of something that doesnt even have to do sith our relationship, she says I criticize her driving too much (which I totally admit I can do sometimes, I've been having nightmares since childhood involving being in the car and I'm naturally anxious in cars) but like then I can list examples of "hey mom when you turned left at that light you literally swung over so early you were briefly in the oncoming traffic lane and crossed over the double yellow line to get into your lane, you should drive farther forward and THEN turn, i see you do this almost every day" and its just automatically "ugh Miranda it's every day with you, I can't do one single thing right"

It's almost like you know, I'm losing my patience because she won't like review her actions, and then I have to bring things up all the time, and then she just feels attacked because I'm bringing them up all the time and this almost stubbornly refuses to do anything about it almost out of spite it feels like, which then just. Makes me more impatient and call those things out more.

And on another note, like I constantly whiplash between "God she drives me crazy, I hate her, she doesn't deserve my respect, she's stupid, i have to run away and never ever see or talk to her again" to "no I want to hug my mom and tell her about all these interesting things I've read and us watch TV together and smoke together and I'll miss her when I'm gone, I have to have to HAVE TO try and fix this before it's too late because what happened between her and HER mom has done so much damage to her". We might have a bad argument where I say shitty things to her and she says shitty things to me and we could be in the car as she drives me to work and I might try and make some small talk because, idk maybe it's BPD or mood regulation but sometimes I can move on from things quickly, and she'll just give me the silent treatment or reply with something snarky and I'll think "yeah I guess I deserve that"

And other things i worry about are like, when I was living in Florida with roommates there was an incident where she slipped and fell on the ice and she had horrible body aches and was struggling to go to the store and buy food for herself and I was panicking and wanting to try and have food delivered for her? She sometimes struggles to take the trash out because she needs her knees replaced and she's kind of, always had chronic issues she's still trying to find the cause for, and like, before this recent round of our relationship getting worse we had been discussing trying to get a first time homeowners loan together so we could finally settle down somewhere and have permanant housing, something that was OURS, no more apartments, no more awful neighbors

But those things are only possible if we can work together and both of us have issues? Both of us have our own problems that have to be worked on, and, I often wonder if either one of us are just "stuck in our ways" but there are so many times where, like, obviously money is a factor but there are so many times I'm not seriously looking into moving out not just because I'm scared of being on my own but also scared of leaving her by herself and scared that, what if we break that bond and never see each other again and suddenly one of us gets into an accident or she gets sick or, you know?

And on a flipside of that, while I was living away and paying my own bills and having you know my first ever job, she needed to borrow money from me a few times and it kind of devastated me because I thought, "oh I'm finally away and taking time for myself and she's still having trouble handling things, why can't I be allowed to focus on me, have time for me, have money for ME" because like. I do consider myself a caring and empathetic person but a lot of situations were pretty much forced on me where I had to expend myself or at least my mental energy on her specifically till I just felt, empty and unappreciated and used up.

I also recognize my mom wanting to use me as a friend and therapist also stems from issues she has with being able to trust and maintain relationships with other people but that's unfortunately a thing only really she and a counselor or something can focus on. I shouldn't have been tasked with, well, by her own admission there were many times where I was her sole pillar of emotional and psychological support and that was. That was such a heavy weight on a kids shoulders? And it eventually got to the point where I would say "hey mom sometimes i feel like you only talk to me when you need something or have to complain" and she'd brush me off until, I reached an age where I would tell her straight to her face "I don't care" because she wouldn't let me set those boundaries where her venting to me was a consensual thing, it eventually became "obligatory" and it'd literally be her like, talking and talking where you haven't said anything for like 5 or 10 minutes straight and I would see her do this to my grandma to the point my grandma would literally hold the phone away from her ear and occasionally only "check back" to see if she was still going.

Like when I try and step back and look at things analytically, I think a lot of this anger and resentment in me stems specifically from my pre-teen/teen years. I was still a kid and still emotionally vulnerable and, you know, not fully developed and needing my own help, but I was mentally and emotionally "mature" enough that my mom often confided a lot in me, and even later on she admitted she tried to treat me more as a friend than as a mom, but, it got to a point where I was a huge source of support to her in ways that were damaging to me. Like jesus when I first started working and me and my mom would like, talk about my day and my problems with coworkers, I remember, I so vividly remember thinking "gosh it's sure nice to like actually be able to understand this stuff now" because I would be in elementary or middle school and she'd be talking about complex inter-work issues I literally couldn't understand? I couldn't even understand or become invested in what she was trying to say and then "wasn't allowed" to disengage from the subject. I would be in a car with her liyerallt wanting to bail out onto the road because she'd be talking and talking and not even checking if you're listening or following along

I just. I constantly have to ask myself if this is a situation that can br permanantly improved and "be normal" and, that's going to take work from both of us, and unfortunately both of us are pretty good at finding excuses

[darckcarnival]

He rolls her eyes at her comments and chuckles slightly.

[Text ; Darck]: Don’t make him do the old hair remover in the shampoo truck and it will be fine. I don’t think I’ll look good bald.

[Text ; Darck]: Eh. Don’t worry about it. That wasn’t mean at all. I have you know I proposed without your help, didn’t I? Did that all by myself! (To be fair I had that planned before Leon even let you I think..)

[Text ; Darck]: Hey, I get it. It’s kinda like how July is a bad month for me, yeah? I understand, I get it more than you think.

Now that got her to laugh. Grinning wider while her one thumb tapped away upon the phone screen.

[Txt: Coat Bear]; Lucky for you, I've learned that Scotty is more of a 'hair dye in shampoo' kind of guy. One day your hair might turn blue.

[Txt: Coat Bear]; You did, you did. I heard all about it from him actually! Showed off the ring too me after making me guess. He was really damn excited, and I admit, I might have been too when I learned. You did a good job, sappy as hell.

And then, she paused. Having been writing another reply, then deleted it. Letting it hang in the air a bit. Considering how much Darck knew about certain facts, and even the god damn names of things, like Yawn, he either thinks that she gathered information, or was somehow there. The latter being the accurate truth. Not that it needed to be said.

[Txt: Coat Bear]; I know you do. A lot. First hand, even. But there's a few extra unfortunate details for October for me. We'll leave it at that. Either way, I'm keeping that offer in mind. As well as the fact of what kind of pizza Scotty likes, so you two are also not safe.