#what does someone on the internet generalizing ‘cishet white men’ do to you. how does that affect you outside of that situation.

[mychemicalraymance]

Literally always annoying to me when people can't pick out that something on social media is quite obviously fetish content or popular because of fetishism. And then proceed to ponder and expound like "what is this??? This is so dark, what is society, so creepy, supernatural phenomenon or mental health (<they dont actually care about mental health, just will get in trouble if they say "crazy people scare me") and make like, hours of content about it.

Example one and the most frustrating is nikocado. People are like woahhhhh he can't control himself ! He needs help ! Why does he make this content and then post it ! Why does he cry so weirdly ! What is society coming to ! Its very obviously he and his partner have a feeding /weight gain fetish, evidenced by the pornographic content from them on their patreon LOL. So many people don't understand that people PERFORM in front of cameras. He obviously has that fetish and then found that the public content he made from it got him attention and money, and a blend of all these things created a character that he plays, you can literally find instances of him breaking character.

Another is the videos where attractive white women make disgusting and wasteful food. I watched a video from Chad Chad about this and she correctly identified it also as fetish content (its also an offshoot of this guy who makes videos of women stripping and being stripped in public).

The most recent is the ai streams where influencers do pre determined reactions based off of emotes and donations.. with people being like ugh is this social media now!?!?!? Who watches this and likes this. And then there are random parodies of it with mid looking cishet men. You guys. Its not about entertainment. People literally get off on streams where they control the actions of women. The act of exerting control of someone's actions (usually cishet men controlling robotic or 'mindless' women) as a form of domination is a fetish and its being executed here. Thats why its happening. Notice how the only genuine instance if it is a very beautiful and weirdly naive sounding woman. The parodies are so stupid and gross. Like cool. You obviously don't get that this is basically sex work lol.

Having fetishes isn't bad obviously but like the act of exposing this type of content, spreading it around, and just generally being ignorant to it or performatively acting shocked is PART OF THE FETISH!!! the things take a turn when the fetish is a) dependent on inherently fucked preconceived notions of gender, sexuality, and self worth and destruction and b) when the fetish is only realized when you expose it to the broader internet as a literal non consenting voyeur lol. I hate it so much and I wish people would one become more sexually literate and careful about what they consume and promote and two that creeps who get off on unsafely involving random people in the fetish play without consent would. Not do that.

[pallases]

“discrimination is totally wrong until it’s against white heterosexual males, it’s such a double standard […] and the thing is the last thing you wanna do is piss off white males bc they’re the majority and the strongest” regina george voice so you agree you recognize that you’re the ones in power and therefore “discrimination” poses no danger or threat to you

[theautisticbiatch]

It happens to men too…

Welcome to another episode of “things my autistic brain wants to analyze right when I am trying to get some sleep”.

TW: This post is about sexual abuse and suic!de.

……………………………………………….

So, if you spend too much time (like me) on the internet and social media, if you are a feminist (like me), a Me Too and Time’s Up supporter (like me), have first an/ or second hand experience of sexual abuse (like me), or have encountered men (#NotAllMen … But enough of them) in your life, you hve probably heard the privileged gender, while talking about r@pe, that it happens to them too. And they are right, men get r@pe too. And it’s terrible. And we need to talk about it.

The thing is, about 99% of times when a man makes such statement (usually after a woman mentions movements like the ones mentioned above, he is turning into some sort of a competition for the spotlight. He is full of rage and bitter (understandable) and has decided to take it out on women. Like, okay women get r@ped but so do men!

Here is the problem: Nobody ever said the contrary, Chad. Women talking about SA in their own demography DOES NOT deny the fact it happens to men too.

Where does that problem come from? Misogyny, sexism, fragile masculinity…? Probably. But at its core is also a deep misunderstanding of what feminism is. For those men, feminism equals men haters. And while many of us are in fact, tired of men in general, we do not hate men individually. And we do understand that patriarchy and its toxic masculinity takes a toll on men too. Hence us trying to eradicate it. See, men, feminists are not your enemy (your fragile male ego is), we are your ally. So stop thinking we are both at war against each other. Feminists are not after you individually, we are against an outdated, toxic, unfair system that put people in categories depending on their gender, skin colour, sexuality, neurotype… to privilege only part of those said categories. Well mostly one actually: white cishet men. This system is rigged, it is anti-growth, and it puts a toll on everyone, men included.

Don’t believe me? Let’s go back on the main topic: rape, its victims, and their treatment. If a woman gets raped, the first comments you will hear are “what was she wearing?”, “where was she?”, “she is probably lying for attention and/or money” and so on. Why? Because in this patriarchal society, we are taught that women bodies are for the sexual pleasure of men. Men are entitled to women’s bodies. Women are to be submissive. An if they dare to get the courage to speak up about what happened to them, they are quickly shamed and/or blamed for it.

A couple of years go, a talented YouTuber named Lynzy Lab wrote a song called “a scary time” where she talks about sexual abuse common occurrences that women endure at the VERY LEAST once in their life. A man who claimed to acknowledge how right that young woman was, still felt that it was right to make his own version where he talks about he lost the custody of his children to his ex-wife and how unfair that is because, according to him, she is a monster but the judges always favor women in such cases. I won’t get into whether that’s actually true and how, if it was, it might be because hm, patriarchy teaching that women are the ones to raise kids. Not now, that’s another debate, let’s try to stay focused here. Oh, and before I tell you more about that story and my take on it, I should probably say that I do feel sorry this man is not allowed to see his children no more if he is, as he claims to be, the victim (after all, I only have his side of the story and while I do want to believe him, I can hardly be a fair judge in that story). As someone who grew up with a very abusive and toxic mother, if my parents had gotten a divorce while I was a kid, I would have been bitter too to see a judge leaving me in the hands of such evil woman instead of my dad’s.

I do feel his pain and if he is right, I hope he gets the verdict changed. I truly do. But trying to steal a song about the Me Too movement which revealed that WAY too many women endure sexual abuse of all kinds every day to make it about your own story on which no stranger can judge (as again, we only have HIS side of the story, and hardly all the facts) is not the way to go. You’re not helping yourself here, dude. When I told him how this was a perfect example of false equivalences, while showing sympathy for his pain and wishing him the best; another dude came at me with one of the most ignorant/hateful and flabbergasting comments I have ever read on the internet. “STFU b*tch, r@pe is only tough for you for the next 5 minutes after it has occurred, when losing the custody of your child can last an entire life”. As someone, age 30 back then who had only started psychotherapy for PTSD and suic!de attempt over sexual abuse that first started when I was 7-8 years old, I was shaking. My autistic, r@pe survivor brain went into a shutdown. How could someone say something like that? How could someone believe that for a second?? Look, I am not saying a decent, loving parent’s pain over losing the custody of their child after a misjudgment / perfect example of sexism does NOT last in fact, an entire life. But r@pe is not only bad for the next 5 min. You, absolute PoS of a ignorant stranger wants an example that supports your never-once-denied statement that men too, get r@ped? The late lead singer of Linkin Park. He committed suic!de after decades fighting depression over his childhood sexual abuse. Are you gonna call him a lil’ b!tch ?! Well, you can’t anymore as this poor man is dead now.

But this is what I wanted to get at. Men, under the patriarchal regime are not allowed either to show pain, anger, grief… over the sexual abuse they have endured. Because sex, we are told, is for the pleasure of men. You can’t force a man to have sex, obviously he wanted it, as he is born to want it. And if a man insists that it was not consensual, he is mocked by other men. Because? Toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity being something that, I repeat, feminism is trying to eradicate.

R@pe victims are victims, no matter what they have in their pants. They need AND deserve help, comfort, justice. Once again, louder, for the people in the back, IT DOES NOT MATTER WHAT SET OF GENITALIA THEY HAVE. They are victims in need of assistance. Not shame, not blame.

“But we always hear about women’s stories!” I hear and read all the time. First of all, if by “all the time”, you mean, since the Time’s Up and Me Too movements started, that’s hardly all the time. It is not even a quarter of a second in the History of Humanity. And those movements were created becauuuuse… before that, women were kept silenced by one way or the other (pressure, threats… all the way down to mvrder). And we hear more women stories becauuuuse, it happens much more often to women than it does to men. That’s a fact, not an opinion. That doesn’t make it okay for men to get raped, it doesn’t take away anything from the men who are victims of SA too. By the way, if you Google the Me Too movement, you’ll realize that it wants to help SA victims of ANY gender. See? Not only we never said it doesn’t happen to men too, we want to help them as well!

When SA accusations against one Kevin Spacey came out from men, did you hear women raging “but what about women? It happens to women too!”? No. Instead, we demanded justice and for Spacey to held accountable if recognized guilty(and no woman went “oh those men are probably lying for attention, for money… /but what was he doing in Spacey’s hotel room? / he saw him repeatedly, obviously he wanted it” and one did, we DO NOT claim her).

So why do you men do that to women when if the situations were reversed, men’d be burning with rage (rightfully so)?? Because, for those accustomed to privilege, equality can start feeling like oppression.

[thesydneyfeminists]

“Queer Eye” Breaks Down Toxic Masculinity Culture

Since its release in February 2018, the Netflix reboot of “Queer Eye for the Straight Guy” has been all over the media. Like any pop culture fad, the show has received both raving reviews and ruthless criticisms. On its surface, “Queer Eye” is a fun, feel-good show with just the perfect amount of “edge” for its target audience. There’s a heavy focus on personal transformation, teachable moments, community building and self-love/ care. The cast is comprised of five gay men who each handle one aspect of these transformations: fashion, food, home, culture, and personal grooming. Personally, the show strikes an emotional cord for me. I’m a sucker for the exact kind of sappy, optimistic messages the show portrays. Plus, I’ve enjoyed watching the show and its main cast grow and adapt over three, short seasons. “Queer Eye” is easily bingeable, takes my mind off the doom and gloom of the world and fans a small flicker of hope that whispers, “we can change the world by helping one another.” Still, in researching this article, I found plenty of articles illuminating flaws in the show I never would have seen otherwise. These faults range broadly but include the capitalistic and materialistic basis of the show, the mistreatment of cast members, and the general “unqueerness” of a show with the word “queer” in its very name. All these points are valid, and I will link some sources at the end of my piece that flesh out these criticisms in more depth and nuance. Today, though, I want to apply a feminist lens to one particular aspect of “Queer Eye,” and that’s toxic masculinity.  

Image Description: Photo of the Fab Five against a plain, white backdrop. Tan is on the far left, wearing a black, long sleeve, collared shirt with large white polka dots and dark blue jeans. His arms are crossed in front of his chest and he is looking into the camera with a very slight smile. Bobby is standing to the right of Tan, wearing a black tshirt, black pants, and a light grey blazer. His body is angled towards Tan and his right hand is in his pocket. He is also looking directly at the camera with a neutral expression. Jonathan is in the center, wearing a white tshirt, dark blue pants and a blue jean jacket. His back is to Bobby and his hands are wrapped around Antoni’s arm. He is looking into the camera with a neutral expression. Antoni is to the right of Jonathan, wearing a grey tshirt, white jeans and a dark brown leather jacket. His left arm is wrapped around Karamo’s shoulder. He is looking at the camera with a neutral expression. Karamo is on the far right. He is wearing a dark blue tshirt and dark blue, velvet blazer with dark wash jeans. His right hand is in his pocket and he is also looking at the camera with a neutral expression. Image Source:  https://variety.com/2018/tv/features/queer-eye-emmys-reality-conversation-contenders-1202843269/

“Queer Eye” takes place in the deep south of the United States, a place with a reputation for racism, sexism, homophobia, transphobia and ableism. The show and its cast attempt to grapple with many of these topics. Sometimes they succeed and sometimes they fail. Some of the failures are teachable moments. Others aren’t. One of the structural issues “Queer Eye” confronts fairly well and directly is toxic masculinity. Unlike the original show, not every episode the reboot features a cishet man. I very much appreciate how the Fab Five branch out to include more diverse people in the second and third seasons. For example, “Black Girl Magic” is probably one of the most memorable and well done of the episodes on the show. Another personal favorite is when the Fab Five help a young man “come out of the closet” for the first time. However, in many of the episodes, “Queer Eye uses gay men to unleash traditionally feminine qualities in masculine blokes to redefine what all of those things even mean” (https://www.redonline.co.uk/red-women/blogs/a531752/laura-jane-williams-queer-eye-feminist/). In doing so, the Fab Five actively deconstruct toxic masculinity and embody feminist activism. They show up, communicate with their fellow men and make them question what it means to “be a man.” And, for the most part, the men listen. Partially because it’s a TV show, of course, and they have to listen. But also, partially because the Fab Five have access to and constructively use their male privilege. They show how all prospective allies should use their various privileges: to call out toxic behaviors and help people who are willing to unlearn them.

Image Description: Photo of someone holding a sign up in front of some city buildings and trees. The sign reads “You can be masculine without being Toxic bro. #truthtopower.” It is written in mostly black letters on a white background. The words “you can” are outlined in bright pink. The word “masculine” is underlined in red. The word toxic is written in green, outlined in bright orange and underlined in red. “#truthtopower” is written in red. You can’t see much of the person holding the sign, except the top of their head and their hand/ forearm. They are wearing a grey baseball cap and a camouflage shirt. Image Source: https://theconversation.com/the-real-problem-with-toxic-masculinity-is-that-it-assumes-there-is-only-one-way-of-being-a-man-110305

Over the course of a week, the Fab Five teach the cishet men on their show fairly basic life lessons – how to properly groom themselves, cook a meal, decorate their house, etc. They very clearly don’t believe in the “one size fits all” model and thoughtfully tailor their lessons to the individual. The underlying moral of these interactions is the value of vulnerability. For example, in one episode, Antoni teaches a widower how to prepare a proper meal for his two young sons. Since the death of his wife, Rob Elrod struggled to prepare healthy meals for himself and his family. So, Antoni’s cooking lesson is a learning moment about food, but also about how to be the best possible parental figure to young boys. Throughout this episode, viewers see a tender, loving, yet flawed father. By the end of the episode, we are left hoping his continued relationship with his sons will be better because of the Fab Five. As another blogger suggests, “That’s the thing about toxic masculinity — it’s not just the unconscious belief that having your own style and enjoying refined pleasures of the senses makes you less masculine, it’s the belief that vulnerability in any form makes you less masculine and, therefore, less of a valuable human being” (https://medium.com/s/pop-feminism/queer-eye-for-the-male-victims-of-toxic-masculinity-cdcdad02730d). And if I had to choose one word to describe the very heart of “Queer Eye,” it would be “vulnerability.” Not only do the Fab Five cultivate this vulnerability with the men they makeover, but they show it themselves as well. And, in doing so, they invite the audience to share in these moments of opening up.

Image Description: Screenshot of a tweet by user andi zeisler (@andizeisler). Tweet  reads “general periodic reminder: the term ‘toxic masculinity’ does not mean ‘all men are toxic.’ It refers to cultural norms that equate masculinity with control, aggression, and violence and that label emotion, compassion, and empathy ‘unmanly.’” The tweet has been liked 20,166 times and retweeted 7,792 times. It was published on the 15th of February, 2018. Image Source: https://knowyourmeme.com/photos/1348005-toxic-masculinity via @andizeisler’s twitter account. 

I wish “Queer Eye” could be mandated viewing for all cishet men. But that’s one of the main problems with the show. The audience it attracts is not the audience that truly needs to watch it. There isn’t much hard data to support my hypothesis. But, if you tune into internet conversations about “Queer Eye”, it’s clear the majority of viewers are not cishet men. The show seems to attract a large LGBTQIA+ fandom, probably because wholesome representation of any kind is so difficult to come by for us. Otherwise, the target audience appears to be young(ish), upper middle class, white people. It definitely does not include the very demographic of men that so desperately needs to hear the lessons “Queer Eye” teaches. The result is a warm and fuzzy TV show catered very specifically to people who already know the dangers of toxic masculinity. For the length of an episode, we get to sit back and be proud of ourselves for simply understanding that deconstructing toxic masculinity is critical work. Furthermore, “Queer Eye” so often puts the burden of transformation on those with marginalized identities. As one writer quotes, “Queer Eye suggests we can all get along, if only half of us would just be super-duper nice and patient with the other half” (https://slate.com/culture/2018/02/netflixs-queer-eye-reviewed.html). The Fab Five are thus both a beacon of hope and a reminder that the darkness is still ever so present. Still, if nothing else, “Queer Eye” reinforces the importance of representation and suggests the possibility of a world without toxic masculinity. The Fab Five very clearly care about people, and their palpable labors of love alone make the show worth watching.  

By: Brittany L.

Sources

https://slate.com/human-interest/2018/02/why-queer-eyes-common-ground-message-fails-in-2018.html

https://slate.com/culture/2018/02/netflixs-queer-eye-reviewed.html

https://theestablishment.co/the-not-so-secret-materialism-of-queer-eye/

https://www.indiewire.com/2018/03/queer-eye-netflix-not-queer-1201932107/

https://www.them.us/story/skyler-jay-reveals-his-true-feelings-on-queer-eyes-trans-makeover-episode

https://www.bitchmedia.org/article/queer-eye-cutting-room-floor

https://www.bustle.com/p/queer-eye-season-2-exposes-the-fab-fives-flaws-but-thats-the-point-9394381

https://www.theatlantic.com/entertainment/archive/2018/06/queer-eye-season-2-review/562883/

https://www.redonline.co.uk/red-women/blogs/a531752/laura-jane-williams-queer-eye-feminist/

https://medium.com/s/pop-feminism/queer-eye-for-the-male-victims-of-toxic-masculinity-cdcdad02730d

[chuckdraug]

“Don’t complain, it’s just a game”

This is a translation - and at some extent rewording - of a post on my Spanish blog that I finally decided to post here as well.

WARNING: Before you start reading the actual post, please follow the links down here since these posts where the ones that made me write mine, and because context is important:

«What We Talk About, When We Don't Talk About Natives», by Dia Lacina (English)

«Resulta que Horizon Zero Dawn también es ofensivo», by Juan Tejerina (Spanish), though Google-translated here

Hope you are ready now.

--- 

Yes, this very post here comes from an opinion article published on the Games Tribune Magazine web (I'll just name GTM as the platform where it was posted in due respect to their ethical code, despite this being their vicedirector's opinion) as a reply to an article regarding cultural appropriation and native Americans on fiction due to the PS4's latest hit, "Horizon Zero Dawn".

I didn't want to talk about this. In fact, for some days... well, no, hours I didn't say a thing on Twitter aside from replying to some people. But everyone has a limit to their patience, and so I hit mines and wanted to come to my egocentric Internet corner and say what I want to say.

I'm not going to talk about cultural appropriation nor about colonialism nor about how "HZD" borrows from native Amercians, celtics, vikings, ainus or whatever. I haven't played the game and I'm an ignorant on those topics, so I better not say a thing about it. I want to talk of what I know, of something I could be blamed for in the past - and maybe at times in the present day -, and that is clear on the GTM post: whenever someone complains, critics or just expresses themselves regarding a social topic on fiction and/or real life we just say they overreact.

There's one big trouble when we just tell people they overreact whenever they have something to say in those matters, or if their opinion just differs from ours. We say they get offended so easily.

So in this particular case, Dia Lacina points out her problems about topics she knows about on a game that's actually getting a pretty good reception and its protagonist, Aloy, is seen as a good example of female protagonist. A huge step, specially when you see a lot of women talking about their experience with Aloy, what they feel with her. Representation matters, as they always say.

But... No work is perfect, and the fact we advance in some social topics doesn't mean everything is done, as there's a lot to do yet. Lacina's post not only talks about the problems she sees on "HZD" when it comes to racial and cultural matters, but on how native Americans are often portrayed on fictional works. This doesn't mean Aloy being an empowered female protagonist is of no avail, it only points out that even if we get things right in some parts, others still need more work, there's a big picture and we have only retouched a speck on it.

What happens then? Tejerina's reply is nothing but a new evidence of what we usually do: we label these critics, complains and even just opinions and points of view as suspicious, as exaggerated, as weird and out of place. The general feeling I get from his words is the classic white cishet male speech of everyone else is overreacting, that they whine with no reason and are complaining and taking the fun away. You know, their usual speech of deeming others as haters, as Social Justice Warriors (SJWs) or as supporters of a politically correct dictatorship.

But am I going to sum his text up as just "you complain about everything"? Sure not, but that point is still there and I'm not going to ignore it. Though truly, it goes beyond that.

It goes beyond when he compares Lacina's post with the reaction of the Spanish media with the "katana murderer" case many years ago, and how they related the murderer to "Final Fantasy VIII" and its main character, Squall Lionheart, to the point of claiming that such murderer got his looks from Squall - he was just a regular Spanish guy, not some Squall impersonator.

To make it clear, Tejerina is comparing Lacina's point of view to that of media wanting first pages and their minutes of fame around a murder. Yes, he's doing that: he's comparing the vultures of the Spanish media to a native American's point of view regarding a videogame.

Yes, we can go this low.

So Lacina posted her criticism on the Internet. She made it public, she wanted to show it. Oh geez! She's expressing herself and you come here and accuse her of looking for her five minutes of fame.

Oh, but it doesn't end here. But first, some context.

Recently in Spain, the Catholic organization "Hazte Oír" sponsored a bus where you could clearly read "Boys have penises, girls have vulvas" in a "deal with it" tone, claiming it was biological evidence even though biologists everywhere called that bullshit. "Hazte Oír" is a bunch of people who repeatedly show how sexist, homophobic, transphobic and many-other-things they are.

Well, what does it have to with these posts? At the end of his, Tejerina pointed out that what Lacina wrote isn't important, and so isn't any social opinion on matters like sexism or transphobia.

He considers this kind of opinions responsible for dividing the gaming community to the point we look at each other as enemies - say what?! really?! That and the fact those opinions don’t focus on “the real enemy” he points out: the right-wing bastards who are ruining our lives, and the religious indoctrination many of us have gone through since we were toddlers.

So in Tejerina's opinion, you talking about sexism or cultural appropriation isn't that important compared to ditching Trump, Rajoy and the Catholic Church. Because you can't talk about both things, you either complain on one or another. So yes, the feeling you get with the final paragraphs of his text is that you wanting to be treated as the human being you are isn’t as valuable as talking about other problems.

It's clear, right? We, the white cishet males - though some would argue about me being white because I'm a Spaniard - have no problems at all, and every time a woman, a PoC or LGBT person gives their point of view, we feel uneasy, to say the least. We, the privileged ones, look down at them and ditch them for making us feel uncomfortable, how dare they do that?!

And when we feel uncomfortable, uneasy, instead of listening to them, on analyzing ourselves and the world we live in, we say that they are whiners and haters complaining on everything. We call them SJWs, we call them feminazis, we call them lots of names. We say they only want some Internet fame. We tell them to shut up.

And if you had a bad experience with a feminist or PoC or whatever, you quickly label all of them as people you cannot reason with, but the very moment we are called for something due to the injustice in the current status quo, we are eager to yell NOT ALL MEN. 

Don't you see it? We say they whine, when we are the ones actually whining. And why? Because for us, it's easier and makes us comfortable.

It's easier if we claim we live in a politically correct dictatorship instead of looking at yourself and seeing what's wrong with you. Why? We are Always Right™, how can we be wrong?! 

 It's easier when you say "it's only a game" without thinking on why someone else feels uneasy. We can separate facts from fiction, but those works of fiction can be analyzed, specially when looking at real life. They have their context.

(I'd like to point out here that Tejerina himself told me that with that paragraph I was actually supporting his views because "if we kept thinking of what might upset someone, if we over-analyzed everything, we wouldn't create anything"... it's true that we won't please everyone, it's impossible, but it is his - and many others’ - way to get the focus on something else so he - and anyone else - won’t feel guilty. If we show our works, people can give their opinions on them, and that includes any social views. And that kind of feedback is actually important, not just for our works, but for us as social people.)

It's easier if we think that these people want to take the fun away from us, even though they claim that you can enjoy something despite its problems - it's OK while you acknowledge those problems. We say that they hate our hobbies instead of listening to them and looking at these problems and thinking why they are... well, problems.

It's easier if we say "I'm not like that, don't you dare blame me for that" because the fact that our society isn’t fair is proof enough of how right they are. We might think we are the "nice guys", but no one is a saint, you know the current situation benefits you and you only, and you don't want to share it. Also, these changes won't be immediate, they need a lot of time, yet we complain at the slightest evidence.

I'm sure you've heard and read this from people who are way smarter than I am. Still, I wanted to say it as well.

Because I'm tired of this shit.

Because minorities and the oppressed express themselves - freedom of speech, remember? -, yet instead of listening to them we try to shut them up, we want to turn their opinions and criticism into babycries. We tell them they criticize everything - "you see sexism everywhere!" is the first claim that comes to my mind.

We, the privileged, don't wanna accept their points of view, because by doing so we will see how wrong we are, how society made us this way, how it has spoiled us in believing we are special snowflakes that should step on those who are different from us, calling them weak and despicable and not fit to live like us.

This is hatred mixed with fear to them. We fear that we are wrong, that we aren't the kings of the hill anymore, that we aren't those nice guys and snowflakes society told us we were. There is no perfect being since we ALL are humans.

We are scared of reality and of being stupid, so instead of listening and reviewing our very acts and behavior... we protect our egos, our pride, and we ditch those who are different, we blame them for our insecurity, we hate them. And in the process, we demonstrate that we are stupid. And full of hate.

It's frightening. It's embarrassing. It's horrible.

It isn't just about fiction. It is about the reality we live in. It is about us hating on those who aren't like us, on stripping them of their humanity, because it is easier if you treat a woman/PoC/LGBT as less than human beings. Who cares how others feel if I can feel OK with myself? Who cares if the only way to be in harmony is by making other people feel miserable and inferior to me?

No one wants to be told that they're doing wrong. But surprise! We will fail a lot of times - and I'm pretty sure this post of mine is full of mistakes. Even if it upsets us, wake up and smell the ashes: perfection does not exist. No one says this is easy.

We, the privileged, instead of whining, should sit down, listen to other people and learn from them. And even shut up, because we think we are the protagonists, but no, at best we are support characters in this fight.

But what if you don't wanna do it? You're free to choose your destiny. Just deal with the consequences of your choice, no option is free of them. I can go and support these people and I know there will be other people out there saying that I've been brainwashed or that I'm a white knight or whatever. I know and I have to deal with that.

And I’m glad of my choice.

Truly, if it weren't for the whole Gamergate shitstorm, I'd be one of those people who would never, ever, get to think of what they are doing and how it affects others. I would be one of those saying that "it's just a game". I'm happy I'm not one of them. At least, most of the time.

[sapphiresea]

1-29 hehehehehehhehehe.... if not all the evens lol!

 pride month questionnaire.    

what is your sexuality? i’m an ace-spec lesbian.

what do gender do you identify as? cisgender female.

how long have you been aware of your sexuality/gender? oh gosh. i really de-sexualized myself for a long time because i couldn’t stand the thought of being with a guy and i just didn’t think being with a woman was an option... but i remember being acutely aware of it when i was about 13 years old, panicking, and then doing my best to repress it.

do you have any preferences? eyes are a really big thing for me. not necessarily shape or color. i just really love being able to look into a woman’s eyes and see a sparkle. but mostly i look for someone i can laugh with and be real with, you know? it’s really important with me to be with someone i can be myself around and who wants to enjoy life with me.

share a positive memory about coming out! aside from the fact that literally no one was shocked i’m gay and everyone was shocked that i was dating someone besides my best friend... well, shortly after i came out to my best friend, i went to visit her. i was staying with her family, who didn’t know ( and still doesn’t know ) that i’m into girls. her cousin, a grown woman who was raised very, very conservative had actually never heard of gay people before and we were sitting there watching glee with her and kurt came on the screen. tina explained to her cousin that he was interested in men the way a lot of men are interested in women and her cousin looked horrified. i mean, she gasped and exclaimed, “surely there must be some kind of cure for these people!” or something along those lines. she was mortified. and my best friend, without missing a beat, jumped in and shut it down, telling her that there’s nothing wrong with gay people and there doesn’t need to be a ‘cure.’ and i just remember it positively because she said something when she knew i couldn’t without outing myself, and i just very much appreciated it.

how do you feel about pride month? pride all day every day. i mean, where i live, for no logical reason, our pride isn’t until september, so it’s mostly just on the internet that i celebrate in june. but hey, it gives me more reason to make gay jokes, so i’m all for it. but more than that, considering our history and all the lgbtqia+ community has been through to be seen as people, yeah, i think pride month is extremely important. i just think we need to do more to educate everyone – both in and out of the community – on our history and how far we’ve come...not to mention how far we still have to go.

do you participate in pride related events? any other events? surprisingly, not a lot? i’ve been to a few, and i’m definitely going to pride this year, but the community here isn’t very large and a lot of the events are outdoors or in bars, and considering i can’t drink or be in the sun, i don’t often have much to do, you know?

how do you feel about lgbtq roles in media? i feel like a lot of them are very narrow. most of the roles are cis white male gays, and even then, they’re quite clichéd. lesbians get killed off or end up with tragic endings. bisexual women are erased. bisexual men barely even exist at all. and then there’s, like, one or two trans characters on all of media that tend to be played by cis people. we’ve certainly gotten better with representation, but there is a very long way to go from here. and maybe once it stops being ‘brave’ for a straight/cis actor to play a gay/trans role and we’re not heralding a movie for great representation when there’s one throwaway line about a female character potentially having a girlfriend that’s not even confirmed by more than a shrug ( looking at you, power rangers ), i’ll start taking it more seriously as progress.

do you feel pride in who you are? yes. i would like to be as gay as possible. life might be easier if you’re straight, but god, at what cost???

who has been your supportive idols in your self discovery? i’m lucky and a lot of the people ( though certainly not all ) have been pretty supportive of me. but i didn’t know any gay people growing up. mostly, i found self-acceptance through media. watching olivia and natalia fall in love on guiding light was the first time i let myself consider my sexuality. through that fandom, i met a couple older lesbians – most notably, marie, who i called my nana, and who acted as a mentor. she took me under her wing and really encouraged me to love myself. portia de rossi also had a big influence. reading her book, i really connected with her. so while i’ve never met her, i would say she was a very important figure in my journey, as well.

tell us about your first crush? my first crush – though, thanks to compulsory heterosexuality and heteronormativity, i didn’t recognize it at the time – was on a blonde girl in my third grade class named sam. we met her first day at school when we literally wore the same shirt but in different colors ( mine was purple, hers was blue ) and we thought that was really cool, so we started hanging out at recess. she straddled a line between being a tomboy and a girly-girl in a way i can’t explain. i was entranced by her. i would’ve followed her anywhere like a lost little puppy. she moved away to another province after a few months and because it pre-dated the internet being such a big thing, we lost touch instantly. i never did find out what happened to her. but i swear for those few months, my little eight year-old self was in love.

what sort of advice to have you lgbtq teens? take your time coming out and telling people. you aren’t lying by being in the closet. your safety and comfort comes above all else. but try to find people – even if they’re online – who will accept you for you and who you can be yourself around. being lgbtqia+ is not something to be ashamed of, no matter how many people try to tell you otherwise.

have you come out to friends and family? yes. most people know i’m gay, especially since i can’t keep myself from making terrible jokes about it all the time. i’ve outed myself a lot just for a laugh. the only people who don’t know are my best friend’s family. it sucks, but it’s because of the culture they grew up in and i get it. i don’t like it, but i get it. and i love them too much to risk them hating me.

how do you feel about the term “coming out” ? i don’t really have feelings about it, but it does tend to get that diana ross song stuck in my head.

do you believe there is a “closet” to come out of? yes. there is one big closet from which we all emerge.

any tips on coming out? just do it in your own time. do it in a way in which you feel comfortable. the rest is up to you, honestly. there’s no one right way to do it.

what’s your biggest pet peeve when it comes to lgbtq characterization in media? aside from being killed off? aside from never letting the actual lgbtqia+ people play the lgbtqia+ characters? aside from representation being celebrated when it’s just a tiny hint that a character might not be straight or cis? ...lack of puns. almost every non-cishet person i know makes so many jokes about their gender/orientation all the time for their own amusement. if we could replace the disgusting homophobic/transphobic jokes that are like “lol look at these weird queer people!” with lighthearted jokes from the lgbtqia+ character, i would be stoked. but address the actual problems first and then get to that one.

what’s your favorite parts of lgbtq characterization in media? i mean... representation is so freaking important because it not only allows us to accept ourselves, but helps people outside the community to actually see us as humans. i swear if it wasn’t for will & grace, my parents would’ve had a very different reaction to my coming out. but i also just really love seeing cute wlw being cute. also this was my favorite thing to ever happen.

what did your teachers say about the lgbtqa community in school? most of my teachers played the hypotheticals, if they acknowledged the community at all. they spoke of it in debate terms like none of us existed for real. most of them just ignored the subject altogether. the only time i remember it being specifically addressed was in eighth grade when my music teacher’s son came out and she gave us all a big anti-homophobia speech. she said, “one in ten people is gay, which means at least two of you are.” and that was when i promptly turned bright red and internally panicked because my first thought was, “i wonder who the other one is...” followed by “oh my god, no. no. no. i’m not gay!!!” lol nice try, thirteen year old me.

do you practice safe sex with the same gender? i mean i’m ace-spec and i don’t have a lot of sex... but like.... since i’ve never had sex with someone who could get me pregnant or who has stds.... umm... no... but where tf would you even get a dental dam? has anyone even seen those?

what’s an absolute turn off for you in the opposite/same gender? no sense of humor. i dated a girl who i swear could not laugh. not just at my jokes, but i barely saw her crack a smile in three dates, and that’s as long as we lasted. i was just so not into it.

what’s an absolute turn on for you in the opposite/same gender? dimples. and making me laugh.

how do you feel about lgbtq clubs/apps/websites? yes. more of those, please. i mean, it’s not like i can walk into a starbucks and meet other wlw. i’ve literally only ever met one in the wild and, oh my goodness, let me tell you, we glomped on to one another so quickly. but everyone else, i’ve met over the internet or on an app.

how do you feel about the term “queer” ? i personally like it and use it often. i mean, all of the words in the acronym, every identity has been used as a slur before, and i can and will reclaim it. but i also respect that a lot of people don’t feel the same way. i won’t use it to describe someone if i know it makes them uncomfortable.

how does you country view the lgbtq community? generally we’re pretty well accepted, but you know, there are assholes everywhere. and i also live in the most conservative part of the country, which is fun.

favorite lgbtq actor/actress? well, i mean, i’m obviously a big kate mckinnon fan. i also really love portia de rossi.

any tips for heterosexual and/or cisgender people on how to handle lgbtq events/news? be open-minded and challenge your own biases.

what’s the most annoying question you have ever gotten? “can i watch?” seriously. i’ve been asked that too often. it’s not funny and it’s definitely not attractive. just fuck off.

how do you feel about receiving questions about your sexuality/gender? i’m fine with it as long as people are asking out of curiosity and a desire to learn, you know? if they’re not questioning whether i’m really a lesbian or whatever, i’m totally cool with it. oh! unless they’re asking for details about my sex life or something gross.

[halflingkima]

"friendly reminder: don’t be a separatist this pride!!” “friendly reminder: aces aren’t lgbt+!!” 🙃🙃🙃 (sorry if ur on mobile lol)

honestly this should just go in a private journal but who writes by hand anymore when you can have the false validation of the vague possibility that strangers on the internet may see an entry and agree with you.

everyone has a different story. everyone’s identity is unique and individual and everyone has a story of discovering their identity. aro/ace identities are a part of the lgbt community and a part of pride.

the community is about belonging. of finding a place where you’re not so alone. the lgbt+ community is an umbrella community composed of other communities because that’s generally how communities work. gay men don’t understand what it’s like to function in the world as a woman; bi women can’t experience what lesbians go through; cis people don’t experience transness and even different trans genders experience things differently. the umbrella community is where all the smaller communities unite through their shared experiences.

the most common anti-ace argument i’ve seen is that aces are “begging to be oppressed” and “don’t realize how good they’ve got it.” no, aces are not explicitly and intentionally oppressed as others are. they are, however, implicitly oppressed (there’s a better word i can’t think of rn), which can be a struggle to recognize and understand. 

yes, aces and particularly cishet aces, can get obnoxious. that’s what happens with separatism, when communities don’t interact and educate each other to help them grow. Calling aces out on homophobia and educating them is akin to calling white gays out on racism, male gays out on misogyny, cis gays out on transphobia, etc.

aphobia (though probably an incorrect term) is a thing, just not as the strawman version depicted in this blue hell. it’s talking someone into marrying because “that’s what you do.” talking someone into having sex bc it’ll “give you a taste for it.” characterizing children as purely results of sexual intercourse. (aphobia is not, say, criticizing someone for making derogatory comments about same-sex pda or calling someone out for slut-shaming.)

declaring that aces aren’t lgbt+ fosters an alienation and discourages people from exploring and discovering their identities. as does treating queer like a bad word. it’s one thing for individuals to not identify with the term or as a part of the queer community, it’s another to subtly condemn and shame those who do.

there’s a reason the acronym is lgbtq+. the q for queer and questioning. the + for those beyond, for those identifying somewhere in post-structural queerness. lgbtq+ is about recognizing social limits and acknowledging that they’re not natural, that we don’t fit inside of them. about pushing those boundaries and forcing them to shape to us, not the other way around. the Q and the + are there for those people who have taken the first step and declared “I don’t know what I am, but I’m here and I finally feel like I belong.”

Every individual has their own history and every community has theirs. There are gay people who come out painlessly. There are ace people who do not. There are gay people who don’t hate themselves for their sexuality and there are ace people who do hate themselves for their sexuality. Each community within lgbtq+ has its own history, albeit muddy and tangled. Including aces in the larger community does not erase or belittle or overshadow other smaller communities’ history.

Removing the Q/A/+ from the acronym and from the community at large hinders people from discovering who they are. I identify as queer and ace and almost always feel some degree of loneliness/distance/alienation in lgbt spaces. I’ve seen so many people describe finding their label (usually lesbian or bisexual) as “coming home.” That’s how I felt when I first used the word queer for myself. 

and yet i feel uncomfortable stating such labels aloud. and when I do manage to tell someone in an lgbt space that I’m queer, they respond “yeah, but what are you?” (as opposed to what attraction do u experience, what genders are you attracted to, what gender do u identify as, etc.)

I didn’t realize I was Queer until I realized I was Ace, and even then I started out as Questioning. compulsory heterosexuality had me thinking i was just a late bloomer, that i’d just naturally grow into sexual attraction to men, and then be able to differentiate between feelings toward men and feelings toward women. learning about asexuality allowed me to remove sex from the equation and realize that i’d be happy loving and growing old with someone of any gender.

seeing blanket statements like “aces don’t belong in our community” or “don’t use the word queer” feels like a metaphoric slap in the face invalidating who i am as a person. i realize that so many people in the lgbt+ community have it so much harder than i do – amongst all other privileges, i’m in a liberal area, i have queer friends and family members, i have an unrelentingly supportive mother, etc etc etc. I also realize that other smaller communities of lgbt+ face more direct, harmful, and immediate challenges than the ace community.

but this general community is a place of acceptance. a place where binaries blur and that’s completely okay. so to see members of this community preach against separatism and in the same breath exclude aro/aces, particularly during this month, is upsetting, to say the least.