#when i dont see them as brother i see them as either lifelong friends

[pawterpillart]

Platonic, queerplatonic or romantic vee?

The struggle is real.

[manonblaqkbeak]

Motel Living

this idea would not leave me alone, despite me having like three other fics barely done. it is very random. i dont even know what to say lol.

2554 words

enjoy!

Today was officially the one month anniversary of Aelin moving into a three-star motel. She did not think she'd be here for long, a couple of weeks at most, but here she was a month later, and on a Friday night no less. She should have been out with her friends, but she opted to stay inside.

She had to tell herself that she shouldn't complain. That there were people that were worse off than her. Living in a motel was fine.

But it still didn't change the fact that Aelin wished she wasn't living in a motel room. Especially one that was popular with long haul truckers whose snores sounded like chain saws and blenders on the highest level. That right now, down in the restaurant/pub that was only six doors down, an important football game was playing and the patrons inside were cheering wildly.

Aelin missed the house that she had been renting the last three years. Last year she had decided to start saving so that she could purchase the house itself, since it was still on the market since the day she moved in. It was hard, but Aelin was a determined woman and she set her sights on purchasing the house—she felt like she practically owned it anyway—up until the day she received a call from the real estate agency telling her that the house had been purchased and she had to move out.

Aelin disliked crying, but the waterworks started the minute she hung up. She really did love that house. Had created a small vegetable and herb garden to make it feel more homely. Made it hers in the three years she had occupied it.

There was a tiny silver-lining, however, since the new owners were coming from the other side of the continent, she had plenty of time to pack and move out.

But that silver-lining quickly disappeared once she started her search for a new home in-between packing and work. Every apartment, every house, every unit she looked out at was taken by the time she handed in her application. Every inspection starting to become fruitless when she knew that she wouldn't be the one to live in it.

Aelin hadn't realised that the market had become so cut-throat. She knew she was the perfect applicant because in all her years renting she never missed a single day, never received a complaint. Even when the landlord dragged his ass to fix something, Aelin kept her temper in its leash and did not throttle him the way she wanted too.

And as her luck ran out and Aelin had started to truly worry about where she was going to live because while she had multiple people in her life, she quickly realised that she couldn't ask any of them if she could move in for multiple reasons:

Aedion and Lysandra were recently married, and Aelin hadn't wanted to burst their newlywed bubble.

Chaol and Yrene were brand new parents, their baby girl born the day Aelin moved out, and she knew the last thing they wanted was someone else in the way.

Nehemia was in the same position as her, but her parents had invited her back home while Nehemia looked for somewhere else. Aelin's parents were dead, and her childhood home had been destroyed in a wildfire a five years ago, and Aelin had used the insurance money to pay off her debts. She cursed herself now for doing that, but Aelin hated being in debt and she did what she had too.

Fenrys lived in a one bedroom unit and had the worlds most uncomfortable couch, so he was out. And while Fenrys was one of her best friends, she didn't really talk with Connall, his twin. Nor did she often talk with Vaughn.

Dorian and Manon were travelling all over Erilea and Dorian's younger brother Hollin was house-sitting. Aelin couldn't stand Hollin for more than a few minutes at a time and she would rather live in the motel for a year than live in with him.

And then there was Rowan. He had been a close friend for years, until five months ago they decided that they had liked each other too much to keep being friends and officially started dating (at Lysandra and Aedion's wedding, of all places). If they had been together for longer, she would have asked him—but she didn't want to rush anything, because Aelin could so clearly see a future with him and she didn't want to hurt that future by moving in far too early in their relationship.

So that left Elide, her lifelong friend that was more like a sister. Elide was purely on the bottom of the list since she knew her friend cherished living alone after living in a shit-hole with her even shittier uncle—but Aelin knew Elide and if Aelin needed a place to stay, then Elide's door would be wide open. The two had gone to lunch and Aelin had been just moments away from telling Elide everything and asking for a world changing favour.

Until Elide had excitedly announced that Lorcan was going to move in.

And Aelin's plan had deflated. Again, Aelin knew that if Elide was aware of how desperate she was, Elide would invite Aelin to stay, but since Lorcan and Aelin didn't particularly get along, Aelin kept her mouth shut and congratulated her friend for the new milestone in their relationship.

So, all her options completely exhausted, Aelin looked for vacant motels, found that this was the best out of all the options and became a long-standing tenant.

Aelin had managed to keep everyone away from her new apartment by claiming that it wasn't ready for visitors. Most knew that Aelin was house-proud, a trait that she had inherited from her late mother, so they knew that when Aelin was ready, she would invite them.

It was getting hard, however, to keep Rowan away. Each date night and hang out ended up at his apartment and Rowan was becoming curious as to how her new place was looking.

Rowan wasn't judgemental, and he wouldn't look down at her for living in a motel room, but Aelin was the problem; she was too proud to show him her new place. Even when she was at her lunch with Elide, she had to beat down her pride at just the mere thought of asking Elide if she could move in.

Tonight, however, Aelin knew in her bones that Rowan would ask to come over. He had a completely shitty day at work—one that ended up in the hospital because for the first time in his career as a carpenter, Rowan had somehow gotten his hand in the way of his nail gun and shot right through the middle of his palm and was off work until it healed, which Rowan hated the most out of the whole ordeal, since Rowan was the type of person that always had to be doing something.

So when his face finally popped up on her phone screen, Aelin muffled a groan into her pillow (because there was no way in hell she was using the standard sheets the motel provided, she needed her bedding or she wouldn't get any sleep), took a deep breath and plastered a smile onto her face.

“How's the hand?” she asked by way of greeting.

“It'd be a lot better if there wasn't a hole in it,” was his groggy reply. “I just woke up from the longest nap and thought of you.”

“That's sweet of you to say,” Aelin said, “do you want me to come over? I could cook you my world famous grilled cheese.” Please say yes, she thought, please.

“As much as I love the sound of that, I just need to get out of my house,” Rowan said, “I know that you're house-proud and if you don't want me to see it, I understand, I'll even wear a blind fold if that'll make you happy, but I just...” he trailed off and Aelin could see his pained expression even though they were miles apart.

“Seeing all your work tools is making you miserable,” she supplied. Rowan grunted in confirmation. Taking a deep breath, Aelin said, “You can come over, I don't mind. I'd be happy to see you.” And she would be. She'd just have to kick her pride in the corner. “There's a pub right around the corner from mine and the cheeseburgers they have are really fucking good, and I mean that sincerely. Do you want me to get you one? Because I only have snacks and canned food at the moment.”

“A burger sounds good, with extra tomato, please.”

Aelin smiled. “Of course, I'll text you the address, and I'll see you soon.”

After ordering their dinner, Aelin tidied up (even though the space was immaculate) and waited, and waited. When a gentle knock sounded at her door, Aelin took the food from the restaurant worker and was just about to go back in when Rowan's truck pulled up.

Even ten car spots away, Aelin could see his puzzled expression from where she stood. Placing the food on the small, round dining table, Aelin waited by the door and gave Rowan her best smile when he stood in front of her.

His puzzled expression melted away momentarily when she kissed him hello, but it was back in full force when they pulled away.

“Fireheart,” was all he said, and it said everything that he didn't say.

“I know.”

“You're living in a motel room.” There was no judgement in his voice, like she knew there wouldn't be, but it was clear that he was confused about the whole thing. She should have just told him. She loved her late mother, but really hated the fact that she had passed her pride to Aelin. She hated the fact that, deep down, she was embarrassed, even if Aelin told herself that she had no reason to. The housing market was insane, there was no where else for her to go, and that she hated herself for not saving more money to buy her home of three years.

“I am,” Aelin said, “but it's not so bad. It's affordable and clean.” Aelin invited him inside and sat him down the small dining table.

From his spot, he took in the space. Saw the bar fridge that could barely hold a bags worth of cold food, her toaster oven and the dual butane stove she had to purchase because she didn't want to have to use the toaster oven all the time. The tiny closet that held a decent amount of clothes, but didn't make a dent in her considerable mountain of clothes that she had put away in the storage unit she was renting.

None of her candles were in sight and no books either. Aelin was taking full advantage of her library apps, but it wasn't the same. Aelin loved the feeling of a book in her hands, but there was no space and it would have been silly to bring in her bookcases.

“Where's all your stuff?”

“In a storage unit. I considered living in there, but it doesn't have an air-conditioner and this place does.”

Before Rowan could say anything, Aelin turned on the TV, put on whatever movie sounded dumb enough and ate her dinner.

Aelin could see the question burning in his eyes as she stuffed her mouth to avoid answering that very question.

Why didn't Aelin ask if she could stay with him?

Aelin wanted to tell him, she really did, but was afraid that if she showed how serious she was, Rowan might admit that he wasn't as serious as her.

But Aelin knew herself, knew that she was going to tell him at one point or another. She could tell Rowan anything and he wouldn't flinch. It was her own doubt stopping her.

“That really is the best burger I've ever had,” Rowan said when he was finished.

“It really is,” was all Aelin could think of to say. Gods, she felt so damned awkward. The question was still in Rowan's eyes, even as he laughed at the movie and its stupidity. So to avoid it for a bit longer, Aelin took the take-away boxes into the dumpster outback and immediately went for a shower afterwards.

When she came out, Rowan was lounging on her bed, his injured hand laying across his chest, the other arm fiddling with her comforter. Aelin dressed in a shirt that she may have borrowed without asking from Rowan and a pair of sleep shorts.

Borrowing underneath her comforter, Aelin rested her head on Rowan's chest and the awkwardness she felt deflated a bit as he pressed a kiss on her head.

Aelin told him how she ended up here. Including her embarrassment and annoyance at herself. Rowan listened attentively, as he always did. That was one of the biggest things she loved about him, that he listened. And Aelin was in love with him, she knew without a doubt. She was certain she fell in love with him when he danced with her at Aedion and Lysandra's wedding.

When the credits started to roll, Aelin took a deep breath and decided to plunge into uncharted territories. She kept her eyes glued onto the screen.

Aelin decided to bite the bullet. If it all went to hell, she would beat herself up later.

“I don't want to fuck things up with you.” Well, that wasn't how she wanted to start this conversation, but she supposed it was the best way to start off. “I wanted to ask you if I could move in, but our relationship is just so new, and I didn't want to ruin our future, because I can see a future with you, Rowan.” Moving so that she could look Rowan in the eye, Aelin took the deepest plunge imaginable and told him, “I love you, Rowan. I'm in love with you.”

The smile he gave her was the most beautiful she'd ever seen. “I love you, too, Aelin.” Reaching down to kiss her, all of Aelin's doubts melted away. When he pulled back, Rowan said softly, “If you wish to ask, I'll say yes. Because I see a future with you too. You're the one for me.”

“Rowan, can I move in with you?”

He kissed her again. “Yes, you can.”

Aelin's cheeks were started to become sore from all her smiling. Maybe it was a good thing after all that she ended up living here.

Hours later, after another bad movie and celebrating the new milestone in their relationship (which was mainly Aelin laughing as she rode Rowan because he kept forgetting about his injured hand), Aelin and Rowan got ready for bed, and as Aelin rested her head on his chest again, she said, “Just to let you know, I'm going to replace your mattress for mine, because yours is hard as stone.”

“That's exactly why I'm letting you move in, I'm in the market for a new mattress.”

Aelin playfully whacked his chest and muttered what a buzzard he was, but soon fell asleep with a smile on her face, ready for her future with Rowan.

[barrysjumpsuit]

blindsided - oc x rafe cameron (ch. 2)

me??? posting chapters two days in a row???? (who is she)

part one

word count: 3k

warnings: abuse and mentions of past abuse, cannabis use, cocaine use, mentions of sex, plot/timing holes (just dont think abt canon too much it’s pretty loose)

synopsis:  christy is a lifelong resident of the outer banks. after a series of hookups with rafe cameron, kook royalty, she’s smitten. what she doesn’t know is about what her boyfriend and brother are involved in behind her back

a/n: really enjoying how this is coming along bc i’m totally just making it up as i go. ya boy jj makes an appearance in this one!! and BARRY!!!! next chapter has more plot i PROMISE 

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The sun was about to set as Christy arrived home.

“Home” was a relative term. She lived in a trailer with a leaky roof, messy yard, and weird smell. Strange people she didn’t know were always there, and it was hard to truly feel at peace when she was there. The only thing that kept her coming back, especially after getting with Rafe, was her brother. 

Barry truly was the only thing she had left. The two of them had always been as thick as thieves – they still were, but their own respective businesses had changed them. Christy just grew and sold a bit of weed. She made a couple hundred bucks here and there, mostly targeting tourists. Barry’s dealings were much more illegal, and all the bad things that came with selling blow naturally happened at her house. 

She could hear the crackling of a fire as she rounded the corner of the trailer. Barry and a couple others sat there, whooping and hollering. “Look who finally decided to make an appearance,” she heard her brother yell. He raised a beer in the air as if to make a toast. “My favorite sister!” 

“Just making sure you’re not twitched out somewhere, B,” Christy said back, not altering her path to the door. Right as she went to pull open the screen door, someone pushed it open, stumbling out of the trailer. “Excuse you.” 

“Watch your mouth when you speak to me, little girl,” the man growled at her. 

“I’m the one who lives here,” Christy replied flatly, not budging, and the man suddenly had her pinned to the wall of the trailer, a forearm pressing against her throat. 

“Yo Luke, lay off of her!” she heard Barry call. Her hands were grabbing at Luke Maybank’s arm, her eyes forced to meet his. His pupils were blown up and delirious. “What the fuck, man!” 

Barry pried Luke off of her, and Christy leaned against the cheap railing on the front steps to catch her breath. “Get the fuck out of here,” she heard Barry tell him before he turned to her. “Bro, you good? Where have you been the past few days?” 

“I’m fine,” Christy said. Her heart felt like it was going to beat through her chest. Barry reached out to grab her shoulder, but she instinctively flinched away. “I’ve been staying with someone.” 

She was aware of Barry watching her as she pulled open the screen door and went into the trailer. It was hot and stuffy. Inevitably, somewhere, something was growing mold, and they would have to deal with it like they had to almost every other time a storm knocked out power. It made her feel guilty as hell, knowing she was staying with Rafe in his kook mansion, while her brother was stuck here, alone, with whatever coked out friends he had with him. 

After deciding there was nothing she wanted to eat, Christy made her way through the messy living room and down the hallway to her bedroom. She kept the door locked. Fishing the key out of her back pocket, she unlocked the padlock and stepped into her bedroom. 

Her plants were moved hastily in front of her window, since the power knocked out the lights they normally sat under. They took up most of the space in her bedroom, and they also occupied her parent’s old bedroom. Christy couldn’t be bothered to water them; she just took off her shirt and laid on her bed, sweaty and with nothing to do. 

She rolled over, pulling out an already loaded bowl and lighter from her nightstand. Pushing herself up, Christy brought the pipe to her lips and lit up, breathing deeply and bringing the smoke into her lungs. She blew out a thick cloud, almost having to cough. The greens were strong but tasted good. She took another hit, then another, before leaning back and closing her eyes. 

It was almost unnerving to think about how quickly she had fallen for Rafe. They sporadically hooked up throughout the past couple years. A lot of times they were each other’s rebound. Other times, it was at parties. Despite being from the Cut, Christy was often welcome at kook parties, going where her brother wouldn’t dare going to move product. She didn’t like having a middle man. Grow, harvest, sell, consume. That’s how she liked her bud to go. 

She knew Barry and Rafe had a history. But Barry has beef with a lot of people, and so did Rafe. Christy didn’t side with either. Rafe hadn’t paid Barry enough, failing to hold his end of the deal. But Barry had ripped Rafe off, knowing his family had more than enough money to repay him. It spiralled from there until they fought and beat each other an inch from death. Since then, Rafe had cleaned up his act as well as sobered up, and she hadn’t seen him at her place since. It was better that way. She didn’t have to worry about the crossover between her relationship with him and her relationship with her brother. 

Barry was a shitty person. Everyone knew that. He moved more cocaine than anyone else on the island. It was impossible for him to hold onto a relationship for more than a week or two. He had a temper, and a mouth and fists to back it up. Despite this, Christy knew he was her lifeline, and she was his. Whenever they had to run errands or go anywhere on the island, they tried to go together. Safety in numbers. 

Both of them had people that hated them. 

Barry more so than Christy, but they both had enemies. It was just how the politics of drug dealing worked. Christy mainly targeted tourists, playing her cards smartly. In and out, one and done. She premeasured the bud into $10 bags, or as joints using cigarettes. It was a big hit. At each kegger she went to, she could usually pull two or three hundred bucks. 

Christy took another hit before inspecting her pipe. A friend of hers had blown and crafted it for her birthday this past winter. It was a swirling design of pinks, yellows, and oranges. It looked like a sunset; every night, she would smoke on their west-facing dock and watch the sunset. 

Except tonight. The sky was dark by the time she made her way outside. Barry was no longer by the fire, which was dying. Two of his buddies were still there, laughing at something funny only to them. Christy walked past them, down the dock and onto their little boat. She sat down next to Barry, their shoulders lightly touching on the small bench seat. 

Her mind was still racing, and she lit her bowl again. “You’re not going to that kook party tonight?” Barry asked, his voice still with its disinterested tone. 

“Nah. With the power out I’m not sure how much bud I’m going to able to get through this. They need light to grow.” 

“I’ve been rotatin’ them in front of the windows for you. And watering them,” Barry said. She could tell he was coming down from a high he had likely been riding all day. 

Christy could also tell he brought this up for a reason. 

“How much short are we?” she asked quietly. “I can see if I can pick up extra shifts.” 

He shook his head beside her before putting his head in his hands. “I don’t know man, but we’re short. Fuckin’ Agatha fucked us over, man. I can’t get any more for another couple weeks and I don’t have much left.” 

“A lot of mine won’t be ready to harvest for a few weeks. Shit, B, why didn’t you tell me?” 

“It’s not like you were here,” he said. His words stung, and I knew he was right. “It’s not like you’re ever here anymore except to smoke pot.” 

“Barry,” Christy said, trying to be as stern as possible. “I’ve been working every fucking day. Agatha scared people away, so I’m not making good tips. It’ll bounce back soon, okay? I’ll make ends meet. Every time I come home you’re just blitzed to high heaven off your own product. You’re as guilty as I am.” 

Her brother’s shoulders shook with a laugh, and he wiped his nose with a forearm while she took another hit. “I suppose so. You’ve got something on your neck, by the way. Who’s that from?” 

Christy stiffened and almost launched into a coughing fit, and Barry knew he caught her. He looked over at her, expecting an answer after she exhaled the smoke. “Some tourist I met the other night at a kegger. Thought he could strike a deal with me.” 

“Hmmm,” Barry mused. She couldn’t tell if he was buying it or not. “You’ve gotta be careful with them tourons and kooks, never know how they’re gonna use you.” 

The weed had hit her enough so that Barry’s words didn’t fully register in her brain. “They’re always up to something,” she agreed. The swaying of the boat underneath her was an odd feeling and she leaned back in the seat, throwing an arm on the back of the seat behind Barry. 

The stars were brilliant on the south side of the island, with no light pollution to drown them out. Two nights ago, she and Rafe sat on the roof of the Cameron house, looking at the same sky, but the lights were so bright you could see only a handful of the stars. 

It was the simplicity of being a pogue that Christy liked. She didn’t have to worry about her social life or schedule outside of work. She didn’t have to worry about her image. She didn’t have to worry about businesses or making people happy or petty things that Rafe worried about. She could do what she wanted, when she wanted.

With the sky stretching endlessly above her, she felt like she was inside a dome. Like she was in a snowglobe. Agatha was the shake, mixing everything and everyone up. Now, the snowflakes were settling into new positions. Some were unstable, perched on plastic trees or people or houses, bound to fall to the ground. Some were already on the ground, back to their original positions. Others still, small little pieces of glitter, swirled around in the liquid inside. 

She didn’t want to inevitably settle back into her old life. It was too mindless and mundane. Wake up, work at The Wreck, sell weed to tourists, hook up with random people. It was repetitive. Christy wanted something with meaning and risk. What was the view like, perched on top of the tallest tree in the snowglobe? Sure, it had potential to fall back to the ground like all the other pieces of snow. But there was also potential to stay there, seeing things no one else could and experiencing something it hadn’t experienced before. 

Maybe Rafe was her tree. Holding her up with supportive branches, his roots deep into the soil of Tannyhill. He was here to stay, at least for now. 

Maybe it was Christy’s turn to join him.

--

By four in the afternoon, Christy was done with her day. 

She woke up early, tending to her plants before locking up the two rooms and heading to work. The morning shifts were her favorite. Less asshole tourists and more local residents. Christy knew them well, making polite small talk with the older people and getting plenty of tips. Working at The Wreck was nice. It gave Christy a sense of anonymity, making her feel less like a pogue and more like a normal person. For her work shifts she cleaned up nicely, interacting with people who didn’t know about her relation to Barry or her side hustle. 

After Christy clocked out for the afternoon after her ten hour shift, she shouldered her backpack and lazily threw her apron over one shoulder. Under her work clothes she wore her swimsuit, ready for an afternoon of surfing with Rafe and his friends. 

Stepping outside into the bright sun, she saw Kiara talking with her friends. Christy liked Kiara – she was one of her closer friends, but their relationship didn’t touch the bond she had with those three boys. Christy was friendly enough with them, and she gave them a wave as she walked past. 

“Hey, Christy!” 

A voice called out behind her and she turned around to see JJ jog up to her. John B rolled his eyes as he left the group to follow Christy. “Yeah, JJ?” she asked. 

“Hey, uh, we’re going to have a kegger at the Boneyard tonight, if you’d like to come. I’d like to do some business with you.” 

“How much you want?” Christy asked, ignoring any euphemisms people often use when asking for weed. “You better claim yours now, I’m running low.” 

“You and everyone else on the island,” JJ said, smiling. “Five grams?” 

“You got it, I can bring it to you tonight.” Christy pulled her cigarette carton from her pocket, taking one out and lighting it. “By the way, tell your father it’s rude to assault people at their own home and my brother doesn’t want to see him again for some time.” 

JJ’s face dropped. “What did he do? Did he hurt you?” 

She blew out the smoke before answering. “Pinned me against a wall. Nothing that hasn’t happened before, but… B’s stressed out and it won’t be good for either of them or for us if he sees him any time soon.” Christy lowered her voice slightly. “If he needs any blow, let me know and I can be a middle man. Okay?” 

“He’s a piece of shit,” JJ muttered, not answering her question. 

“JJ,” Christy said sternly, and JJ’s wandering eyes returned to meet hers. “Give him my contact information. I’ll deal with it so you don’t have to. Okay?” 

“He’s not your problem,” JJ said, but Christy knew she got through to him as good as she could. “Thanks, Christy. I’ll see you tonight?” 

“You got it,” Christy answered, giving him a playful salute with the hand that held her cigarette. At that, they turned away from each other and she started off to where she told Rafe she would meet him to go surfing. 

The cigarette gave her a slight buzz. It felt like a warm hug, enveloping her. That little bit of pep was what she needed, coming off an early morning and long shift. Pretty soon, the pavement turned into sand, and she could see several figures ahead holding surf boards. 

“How was work, baby?” Rafe asked as she walked up to them. He pulled her into a kiss before she could answer. Christy’s hands rested on his bare shoulders, standing on her tiptoes in the sand to reach his lips. 

“It was good,” she replied. “Glad I’m here and not there, though.” 

Kelce fake gagged at her words, and Rafe rolled his eyes at him. “Fuck off, Kelce,” Rafe said, kicking sand towards him. Rafe was wearing his sea foam green board shorts, the color glowing against his tanned skin. 

“He’s just jealous,” Christy cooed, walking away from Rafe to give Kelce a hug. “It’s okay Kelce, I love you too.” 

“Oh wait a second, was that the L word?” Topper asked, breaking Christy and Kelce apart. Topper looked from Christy to Rafe, raising his eyebrows. 

Christy looked at Rafe, who jumped in. “Sure was, Top,” he said nonchalantly. “Now can we shut the fuck up and get into the water?” 

Kelce gave Christy a confused look at Rafe’s short temper, and Christy just shrugged. They had brought her board, which she left at Rafe’s house. After taking off her clothes, much to the boys’ delight, she slipped the band around her ankle and the four of them started towards the water. 

It was a good evening for waves. The water was refreshing, and it was nice to do something normal after Agatha. Rafe’s idea of a date defaulted to a ride on the Druthers, as if to wow her, followed by expensive wine and sex on the boat. It was nice, and she enjoyed it, but Christy had had sex on plenty of boats and it was never her favorite thing.

Surfing with Rafe and his friends was much more up her alley. She was a good surfer, and Rafe knew it. While they were on the water, Topper and Kelce gave him shit for having his ass owned by hers. Christy countered right back, pointing out that she was also owning their asses. It gave her a small victory: something she was better at than the kooks.

They tired quickly, and Christy mentioned the kegger at the Boneyard. “Bring Sarah, it’ll be like a double date,” she told Topper, much to Kelce’s dismay. “And Kelce, look at you. You’re gorgeous, all wet and glistening and half naked. Just stand in the water like that tonight and the girls will be all over you. I’ll make it my personal mission to find you someone.” 

The kooks were never one to turn down a party, especially one with easy pickings for both fights and girls. Topper called Sarah while they were walking back to Rafe’s truck; they put their boards in the bed and Christy climbed into the front seat, while Topper and Kelce crammed into the back of the cab. 

“She’ll come,” Topper reported. Rafe dropped off Kelce before driving to the Cameron estate.

Topper left to find Sarah, while Rafe took Christy to his bedroom. “Can I shower?” she asked, and he nodded. 

The Camerons had hot running water. Another thing she didn’t have on the Cut. It brought up those conflicting emotions again, as she remembered hearing Barry grumble about not being able to shower, which was a very non-Barry thing to complain about. Christy had insisted he use some of the distilled water she had for her plants, but he refused. 

She would have to swing back home before the party tonight to get weed, both for JJ and the tourists. Not much was left – she wanted some to keep for herself, but she needed money. 

Christy really didn’t want Rafe anywhere near her place. 

She just had to hope Barry was out, and that no one was there, or things could get bad.

----

taglist (reply, reblog, or ask to be added!!!) @stargazingstarkey @letsgofullkook @macchiatohno @ampanonyg @hoeforpankow @jjsmentalpolaroids @drewstarkey @obbx-tings @bricksatanakinswindow

[mental-health-advice]

Submission from 🌺

I don’t know about having DID or OSDD. I feel if anything OSDD would be more likely tho due to me still being conscious usually idk. My therapist has noted down “Dissociative Symptoms” for me thus far alongside depression and anxiety. I however dont think I even have bad enough trauma for it? I dont remember most of my childhood. Only things I KNOW caused trauma before I was 7 was my mom yelling a lot, at the time also hitting/spanking me as well as possibly the fact she (1/? 🦚🌺)

washed out my mouth with soap at that age. Like when I said swear words and stuff. I doubt that’s bad enough tho. Things that I can’t remember/ remember fully happening but have been told or know happened was my grandmother apparently spanking me until I cried myself to sleep as an infant, my bullying starting at 6-7yo which carried on into my late teens… and 2 of my best friends being the ones to start it. Also loosing contact with another best friend in kindergarten affected me (2/?🦚🌺)

For s long time after. He wasn’t good at German so he got moved to another kindergarten that would teach him. Tho I don’t think I can consider a friend being ripped from me like that trauma? Idk. There is more traumatic stuff I actually semi recall but that was all when I was over 7 which I think is the latest for a kids brain to develop DID/OSDD. So idk if anything was bad enough and honestly don’t want to self diagnose even tho I’ve been suspicious (3/?🦚🌺)

(reason why I say parts instead of Alters) EitherWayThingsGotWorseAndMyMotherLiterallyThrethenedMeWithMurderAndSaidAllMyFriendsShouldCommitSuicide. Everytime I freeze in my fight/flight/freeze/fawn response and then sometimes fawn happens if I am locked somewhere where they cant reach me. Here only freeze tho. She stood right ahice me who was cowering in a corner and kept saying I literally can’t get up and walk off and then screamed st her to not touch me (4?/? I cant count hhhh 🌺🦚)

She claimed I would just try to sue her if she dared touch me and then mocked me because I cant call people about how she needs to call the police on herself FOR me. I literally haven’t wanted to kill myself that badly as this day in a bit and I honestly am shaking just thinking about it. Like I said ice pretty much almost fully diagnosed depression and anxiety, professionally assumed dissociative symptoms and on top of that not professionally assumed autism tho mom and I assume (5/?🌺🦚)

It for different reasons. She because of how I shut down when a situation is too much and how I cant handle being tasked with multiple things at once/breaking the order of what I’m doing and I due to how I struggle to read human emotions and realizing how to function like a normal person. I can accidentally completely hurt someone and be completely oblivious to it, doing it again and again until told off. And then I accidentally hurt them in another way because I’m scared I’ll do (6/?🌺🦚)

It again. Example: I’m bety clingy due to trauma in my mid teens regarding some friends. I didn’t realize I was being too much until my friend distanced herself causing me to break down in fear of loosing her. She admitted I had been too clingy. I ended up distancing myself - scared of overwhelming her again if I talk to her. It took me 2 whole months to even tell her I love her again. Now she admitted I’ve been a bit too distant which I already was aware of but still (7?/?🌺🦚)

I literally didn’t even dare ask her how she is doing for TWO MONTHS thinking she would leave me if I started clinging again. I hyper fixated on her a lot last year which I realized when she said it was too much. I’m slowly trying to at least check up on her again. I beg her to communicate to me if I fuck up ANYTHING because I literally am blind to it but I feel she thinks she hurts me if she does. What more am I supposed to do than tell her “hey I cant understand normal human (8/?🌺🦚)

interaction so please tell me if I’m being weird!”? Like I said before, I don’t want to self diagnose. It’s just that this plus generally my hyper fixations with people and games/shows is a little suspicious in the long run if that makes sense. My brother also has adhd so it’s not as if its impossible for some other stuff to be in our family, y'know? I’ll see where therapy takes me for now tho. I started rambling again, didn’t I? Sorry about that! (8?/?🦚🌺)

But yeah in short I’ve trauma but most is from after the “requirement” age for DID/OSDD plus I’ve many other mental issues either confirmed or suspected. Who knows maybe my mother is right and I belong locked up in a mental institution from the movies instead of how they actually are. According to her I’m just a disgusting liar who deserves to be suffocated anyways. — Also I’ve honestly kept asking myself if I’m just making up the parts. I used to have imaginary friends as a kid (9/?🦚🌺)

Who my mother forbid me to talk to as I was being “weird”. Maybe it’s just that again? Or maybe I’m not making it up and some of those imaginary friends were parts? Idk. What I know is that one of them literally was more like a mother to me than my own mother. I recently had a dream about them - before the parts returned really - where I called that one imaginary friend “mom” and said I missed her. I cried. I didn’t want to wake up.I struggle to stay on track with this I’m sorry (10/?🦚🌺)

Either way, I apolagize for rambling, being a mess and being all over the place. I honestly just made myself cry again at this rate and yeah… I kinda banned 2 of my browsers from sending aska for an hour rip (final)🦚🌺

Hey there again!

Please don’t feel bad at all for talking so much and every now and again rambling. I am glad that you feel comfortable and safe in speaking with us as it’s so important that you do have someone you can talk to regardless of what you may need/ want to say.

In regards to the trauma that you have endured both as a child and whilst growing up, it’s important that you know that we all handle trauma differently from others and sometimes, even a little bit of trauma that feels like nothing can have lifelong impact on you and who you grow up to be. I also do not think that you belong in a mental health hospital long term either, whether you believe it or not you are doing the very best you can right now and right now that’s enough. Just remember that talking can be so helpful no matter if it’s your therapist you talk to, a counsellor from either a helpline or on web counselling, a close friend or even us! Never feel like you aren’t good enough to be able to talk to another, you’re so important in life and you deserve the very best!

In regards to possible diagnosis’ that you may have, it can be quite hard at times to be properly diagnosed by a professional as some diagnosis’ may have the same or similar symptoms as another and not only this but sometimes a diagnosis can also coexist with another making symptoms that you may be having worse and consequently blurring what diagnosis you may have. Does that make sense?

I’m so sorry that your Mum treats you as she does, you do not deserve this at all. Have you been able to talk to anyone about this as yet?

I really hope that this has helped a bit and please know that you are not alone and that I’m thinking of you!

Take care,

Lauren

[crypticarus]

Happy rambling about shiro and adam amd antis under the cut

Okay so I know Ive just made posts about it and there are so many posts all around tumblr now, especially cus its been revealed a few hours ago already and I JUST heard it so

but you guys I am legit shedding tears of happiness about shiro's revelation

because as much as I had hoped for it, i know its actually rather difficult to put explicitly lgbt characters in a show, wjether that's about them being gay or bi or trans and other. I know in the last couple years more and more sjows have been able to portray and represent our community, people part of us and allies have fought for it but regardless there are still so many homophobic people in charge of companies or just as bad businessmen who care nothing for us as human beings and will allow just whatever will give them money and will censor whatever they deem tok risky. And unfortunately a lot of parents get angry about gay people in children shows.

And I kmow the voltron producers and voice actors have been saying we'll get our representation, but i wasnt expecting it to be explicit. Especially after season 6 i thought keith and shiro being and theor beautiful relationship that is very difficult to be seen as anything but completely devoted love, i thought that was it. I thought that was our representation and that was all we'd get. I was already happy and crying over that, because if it was the gay moment we were promised, then even if it was just still our typical hinted and not explicit thing, it was still a healthy beautiful relationship and not even antis could take that away. Then again, antis were leaving a bitter feeling being arseholes about it and being so vocal and disgusting, so i just hoped sheith would be remembered for their beautiful dynamic and not for the ugly part of the fandom.

And, you know, July was pride month. And the city I live in is going pride this august so ive been seeinf rainbows and pride themed things a lot and I am so very much lookibg forward to it and its just never been easy for me to be open about my own sexuality, and whenever the topic came up it was in arguments about rights. Always just arguments. So lately ive been so very happy about the positivity surrounding LGBT+, yknow?

And this... man, this is the cake. Voltron has been such a huge thing in my life at the moment, and Shiro has been increasingly a favourite of mine, a character I came to care about deeply. And now he's confirmed to be gay or bi or pan. Either way, this is explicit. I am very excited and curious how they'll show it in the show now, how they'll make it clear that Adam was not just a really good friend but a significant other. On a romantic level. Regardlesss of how it ended.

Either way, I am so happy and glad.

On that note: fuck antis.

I know Ive seen some antis using that as an excuse to make Adam seem like the one shiro is in love with right now and how sheith cant be canon and-

first of all i dont need sheith to become canon. It is. For me it is, and that's enough. The tv show is about voltron, i dont need sheith to be centric, even if it would still be great.

And also: Adam and Shiro might have jad a good relationship but from what weve been told so far, Adam left Shiro when he needed him the most. When Shiro was realising his dream despite whatever illness and the most-likely accompanying mental health issues coming with it, which is a huge fucking accomplishment and extremely inspiring for any chronically ill person, Adam chose that he didnt want to support Shiro. And there is absolutely no way this is okay. You cant bring your significant other down because you are selfish. Sometimes you need to find a compromise but telling them to choose between a lifelong dream like that or you is certainly not a compromise, its emotional blackmail of sorts. I am glad Shiro chose kerberos or maybe Adam left him and didnt give a choice, i dont care. Shiro is better off without Adam, shiro is better off with someone who supports hkm through everything.

Shiro is better off with someone who will punch someone half blind.

Shiro deserves someone who will break into a government facillity to break you out.

Shiro deserves someone who will follow him into space, into galactic war and happily fight if its by his side.

Shiro deserves someone who would rather give up his own past just to continue being with Shiro.

Shiro deserves someone who will cross aan alien desert with nearly no tools to save him.

Shiro deserves someone who will support and believe in Shiro thriving eben when Shiro has given up on himself.

Shiro deserves someone who will rather risk getting blown up on some weird planet about alien traditional rather than see him be blown up.

Shiro deserves someone who would rather sacrifice himself and save the world than see Shiro die with it.

Shiro deserves someone who will literally fight him to bring him back to reality.

Shiro deserves someone who loves him so much like they never loved anyone before, brother or lover, because Shiro is both to them.

Shiro deserves someone who openly loves Shiro with all his heart and soul.

Shiro deserves someone who will hold his hand and never let go no matter what.

Shiro deserves someone who would rather die with him than live without him.

O wait.

Shiro deserves a Keith.

[teamkaiforever]

ONE MORE CHANCE

(requested by anon) Kai Parker x Reader word count : 4 998 summary : Reader has feelings for Kai and tells him but he rejects her which leads her to become a vampire and turn off her humanity just as Kai comes back a new person after the merge. * gif by shelleyhenign

______________________________ “You don’t get it , do you?” said Kai with a little hint of amusement in his voice.”I dont feel emotions , I don’t care or feel anything. Emotions are nothing but a distraction plus I don’t even like you and even if those things werent true - you and me still would never happen. You are just not good enough for me. Why would I chose a human ?” Kai’s words kept echoing in her mind. Having the person you have feelings for turn you down was not something unheard in human history , but doing it the way Kai had done it – her feelings had gotten hurt so badly she wanted it all gone. All the love she felt for him , all the pain - absolutely everything. Her friends didnt know about her feelings for Kai or about what had happened and Y/N didnt plan on letting them know either meaning compelling it away wasn’t an option. So that left her with option number 3 because clearly moving on wasnt going so well either. Becoming a vampire hadn’t been on her bucket list , but it was her only option and she could already hear the lectures from Elena and Caroline. They’d say how lucky she is to be still a human and be able to have a future , kids and a family. But those things just didnt matter to her if she couldnt have them with the person she loved. Kai wasn’t going to change - he will always be the same , so there was no point in waiting for the impossible either. He will always say whatever pops into his head , not caring what his words or actions do to the people around him simply because he had no emotions. Why should she remain a human ? It had been a few days since Christmas and the siphoner had been safely tucked in into Alaric’s apartment on Whitmore campus until Jo was ready to do the merge. All her friends were taking shifts guarding him just in case and that day it was her turn. Y/N sat on the couch , glancing at him every few minutes refusing to go anywhere near him. There was a part of her that was 100% sure she’d pull out that tube from his arm and let him go. What she felt for him was so strong that even after he hurt her , she’d still free him and cross her friends. What the hell was wrong with her ?!    "Hey Y/N. How is our comatose patient?” asked Damon handing her a cup with coffee. “He hasn’t caused any trouble , has he ?”    "Comatose and no.” she said blankly, taking a sip from her coffee. What kind of a trouble can he cause if he is being unconscious ?    "Whats wrong ?”    "Nothing. What makes you think something is wrong ?” she wondered , trying to sound as normal as possible. Damon knew her too well not to pick up on her tells not to mention the way he was studying her face made her feel a little nervous.    "Because I know you and short answers are not what you do.” said her best friend , lightly rubbing her shoulders. “Usually you dont shut up. Sometimes you are even more annoying than him.” Y/N sighed. “I was just thinking how all my friends are supernaturals and wont age while I will turn into a wrinkled sag in a few short years. Its depressing. And of course there is that time at the corn maze when my human friends were all dying and I couldn’t do anything to help.”    "You know if you want me to , I’ll turn you. Even though after that Elena and Caroline will bite my head off.“ said Damon sitting on the couch next to her. Y/N started laughing. “They would wouldn’t they?”    "Yeah. Look Y/N ,  there was a reason we tried to find the cure for Elena.“ he said calmly. “Being a vampire is not all that is cracked out to be and if you make that choice there is no going back.”    "I’ve already made the choice Damon. I want this.“ she said serious. “You , Stefan , Elena , Caroline — you guys are not just my friends , you are my family. I love you all more than I can put into words and I cant imagine ever being without any of you. I want us to be together forever.” Damon tucked up his sleeve and bit his wrist. “Well , if you are absolutely sure.”    "I am.“ she replied taking his wrist , feeling his blood trickle down her throat for a few moments until she let go. He wiped away some of it from her chin with his thumb , still having doubts about what he had to do next. Y/N was his best friend , one of the few who can put up with him and were always willing to defend him even when he makes huge mistakes. What if turning her into one of them was one of those ?    "Promise me , you will explain to Elena thats what you wanted and I didn’t push you into anything?”    "You got it.“ she smiled. “Um … could you do it painlessly ?”    "Of course , but I have to ask again - are you sure , really really sure ?“ Y/N nodded and a few seconds later Damon broke her neck , letting her lay down on the couch. He went to the kitchen to get a blood bag from the fridge to be ready for her when she wakes up , but somehow he couldn’t shake the feeling something was wrong and she hadn’t been completely honest about her reasons. When he came back Tyler was in the room , pulling out the tube with the sedative from Kai’s arm. Not too long after , Tyler was the one laying on the ground unsconcious and the young siphoner regained consciousness. On their way out of the house he stopped pointing at Y/N and glancing at the blood bag on the coffee table.    "What is she doing here ?” he asked curious. “Is she sleeping ? Awwh look how cute she is now that she is not talking. I might even like her now.” Kai took a step towards her but Damon pulled him away before the siphoner had figured out Y/N wasn’t breathing and had put two and two together.    "Y/N? She was keeping an eye on you and you bored her to death.“ said Damon dragging Kai out the door. "Come on creeper. You want to do the merge , you have a deal to uphold."Not too long after that Y/N woke up , finding a blood bag on the coffee table waiting for her. The girl grabbed it without hesitation and completed the transition noticing Kai wasn’t where he was supposed to be and that this wasn’t the only thing that was off in that moment.     "Tyler?” she said getting up and running towards him, checking for pulse. “Oh my God wh-what happened ?!” Her eyes followed the tube in his neck and she pulled it out sitting on the ground next to her lifelong friend. What had happened after Damon had snapped her neck ? Damon. Y/N’s eyes widened and she reached for her phone in her pocket dialling her friend when Tyler groaned and started to wake up.     “Hey , are you okay ? What happened ?”     “I’m going to kill him.”     “Him ? Who ? Kai ?”     “No. Damon.” Y/N looked at him with confusion in her eyes. “Damon ? Wha-”     “I have to go. I’m sorry Y/N , thank you for pulling that tube out but I have to go now or Liv –”     “Y-yeah of course.” Y/N sat on the floor running her fingers through her hair , watching Tyler run out of the apartment when her phone buzzed - DAMON.     “What the hell did you do ?” she said answering the phone.     “Saved Liz’s life.” he said as if it was obvious. “I take it you completed the transition?”     “Yes ? Why ?” she wondered.     “Because we have a psychotic siphoner out on the loose. Kai gave me the slip.” he sighed. “Come over at the hospital. I’ll explain everything.” THE NEXT DAY After the merge with Luke , Kai had found himself in a situation he had never thought he’d be in. During the merge with his brother he had absorbed not only his ability to do magic but quite a few other things including his empathy. He had spent the entire night after the merge trying to figure out how to process all the emotional pain he felt. Every bad thing he had ever done came back into his mind and her regretted , if not all , at least most of them. Kai had no idea what was happening to him or why there was water pooling in his eyes while he kept writing it all down , including a letter to his twin Jo because for some reason he couldn’t find her. Afterwards he went to Damon to ask for help to deliver the letter to his sister. Kai talked for a while with Damon and Elena and then someone else he had been wanting to see showed up , as if he had wished for it to happen - Y/N , the only person who had shown him some kindness among the Mystic Falls gang. About a week ago she had told him she has feelings for him and he had said some really hurtful things to her and he wanted to make it right. Y/N stopped right at the door when she saw he was there. Kai couldn’t help but smile a little seeing her there though there was something different about her and he couldn’t understand what it was. Her hair had a blue strand mixed with her curls and her outfit nearly knocked him over. Last time they had met Y/N had looked hot , now she looked beyond hot wearing a slightly baggy ripped jeans with sneakers and a plain top.    "Oh hey Y/N. I’m so glad you are here.“ he said getting up from the table. "I wanted to talk to you.”    "Yeah. No , sorry. I have exams to study for.“ she said with a blank expression. "Can I go grab some of — you know ? Downstairs ?”    "Why ? Did you get tired of – ?“    "Y/N, please , I have to tell you something. I am s-” he blinked and she was gone. Kai turned around towards Damon and Elena with a look of confusion on his eyes. “Where did she go ? What – What did you do to her ?”    "Haven’t done a thing. Y/N just doesn’t like you. None of us do. Haven’t you taken the hint already?“ said Damon. No. That wasn’t it. Y/N might not have told her friends about the feelings she has for him , but Kai knew this girl couldn’t hate him. It just wasn’t who she was - he had gotten a good sense of her. Y/N was too good for her own good , too kind and too forgiving. Something was wrong.    "The blood bag. You turned her.” thought Kai out loud. Why did he feel like his entire world has crashed and burned right this moment? “Why would you do that to her ? Was she hurt or something ?”     “Because she asked me to.” said Damon. “Though that backfired. I should’ve seen it coming -”     “Backfired ? What do you mean by that ?” interrupted Kai. “Damon. Tell me now or I am not going to help you.” Damon took a sip from his bourbon. “Y/N turned off her humanity and turned into one of the biggest problems I’ve ever had.” said the vampire. “One thing I can’t figure out is why she’d do this right after she turned.” Kai gulped. He knew exactly why - because of him. Another rush of guilt pulled him under at the realisation. There had to be a way for him to fix this and he was going to fix it , no questions about it , but first —     “Where is the Ascendant ?” A FEW DAYS LATER Y/N was at the rave at Whitmore, having fun with Caroline who had just turned off her humanity too because of her mother’s death. Both of them had fun dancing and feeding , though Caroline had invoked a rule - no victims so they don’t attract attention. Y/N didn’t care much about that , or about anything really. Only thing she seemed to care about blood.     “That guy keeps checking you out.” said Caroline pointing at one of the guys , not too far away from them. “He hadn’t taken his eyes off you the entire night.”     “Maybe he is looking at you.”     “No , no. It’s definitely you.”     “Well then , I better go meet him.” Y/N turned towards her friend with a smile and purple / black veins flashing under her eyes. Slowly she made her way through the crowd until she got to the guy. Her hands automatically hooked around his neck and they started dancing to the beat , almost in perfect sync and then out of the blue he kissed her. It felt weird not feeling a thing while making out with a hot guy like him, well almost nothing until Y/N’s vampirism kicked in feeling his blood pulsating in his veins.     “You are not going to make a sound.” she compelled him , sinking her fangs into his neck the next moment. Not too long it felt as if every blood vessel in her head was exploding and she backed away from the guy , having her neck snapped a split second later.A couple of days later  Kai convinced Damon to bring him over to Bonnie who had found her way out of the Prison World , so he can apologise to her and after that hadn’t gone well he had started losing hope anyone would ever forgive him for anything. Right before the vampire had pulled him away , Kai had spotted Y/N in the crowd , ditching Damon straight away to get to her. Y/N had looked hot before but now wearing those black boots and those tight black skinny jeans with a white top with a skull like print on it , she looked even hotter. Quite literally taking his breath away the way she jumped up to the beat with a blue strand in her hair dancing around her shoulders. Last thing he wanted to do was cause her anymore pain but he had no other option if he wanted to grab her and find a way to turn her humanity back on — and maybe find a way to reverse her vampirism turning her back into a human. After her body started to drop , he caught her and carried her to his car and then to his apartment , putting a boundary spell around it before cloaking himself and sneaking into Alaric’s apartment to ‘borrow’ some of his vervain supply. A few hours later Y/N woke up tied to a chair with vervain ropes. Her surroundings were unfamiliar but she got an idea where she was when a familiar face popped right in front of her. Of course. Who else would be stupid enough to get the drop on her ? Under other circumstances she probably would’ve rejoiced to have Kai standing barely a metre away from her but not in this moment. There wasn’t a trace of emotion left in her.   “What the - ” she wondered , struggling to get herself free, groaning in pain more and more each time as the vervain stung on her skin.    "Hi.“ grinned Kai. "If you keep struggling , you will only get yourself hurt , Y/N. I just want us to talk , that’s all and then I will let you go.”    "Charming. Do you always tie up the girls you want to talk to ? Or do you do that just to the ones you know can’t stand you?“   "I tried talking to you the other day , remember? You ran off before I had said a word to you.” he said blankly. “So , you are a vampire now. Why would you do that to yourself?”    "I had my reasons which do not concern you.“ she replied continuing to struggle against the vervain ropes.  Y/N had been a vampire for a few days but already hated vervain more than she thought possible. Kai had tied her ankles to the legs of the chair too making sure she couldn’t move even if she wanted to.    "Did you do it because of what I said ?” he asked.    "So full of yourself.“ she said a little amused. "Not everything happens because of you Parker. Why don’t you let me go and we can maybe go grab a bite somewhere ?”    "Not letting you go until you turn that switch back on.“    "Funny. Why have you taken that upon yourself ? Did Damon roped you into saving his best friend from ‘the biggest mistake she had ever done’ ?” she asked blankly. Seeing Kai like that was different - maybe because she was different or maybe because he had merged and according to the billion messages Damon had left her - he had feelings now. His eyes were filled with worry , sadness and regret. He looked almost broken.    "I care about you thats why.“    "You care about me ? Do you even hear yourself ?!” she said incredulous. “I dont feel emotions , I don’t care or feel anything. Your words , not mine.” Kai got up from his chair , going to pour himself some coffee and Y/N used his distraction to pull on the ropes again with all her strength ignoring the pain from the vervain. A few seconds later she was free and quickly she ran towards the door , opening it and bouncing right off it the next moment.    "What the hell?!“ she wondered , her hands hitting the invisible barrier over and over , pointlessly trying to get through it. Y/N sighed and turned towards him. Kai was  grinning at her while taking a sip from his coffee as if he hadn’t done a thing. A boundary spell. Should’ve known. she thought to herself.    "You are not going anywhere sweetheart. Not until we talk and you turn that humanity switch back on.”    "I’d rather kill you than talk to you or see you or be in the same room as you.“ she said through gritted teeth , whooshing herself towards him until their bodies were barely an inch from each other. "Let me leave now , or I you die.”    "You won’t kill me.“ he said calmly.    "Owhh ? Are you counting on my feelings for you to kick in at some point? Because they won’t. They no longer exist and as far as I am concerned neither do you.” she said with a mocking look on her face , seconds before purple black veins flashed under her eyes and her teeth sank into his neck. Kai dropped his coffee on the ground , trying to push her off. Truth to be told he had been expecting that maybe seeing him would get her to flip the switch back on. He had heard multiple times that love is the strongest force there is and blah blah even though he didn’t understand any of it and he hadn’t expected her to actually try and kill him.    "Motus.“ he muttered , sending her flying off him almost hitting the wall at the other end of the room. "Dang Y/N , maybe Damon was right. I didn’t want to believe him at first but you have lost everything that made you who you are by flipping that stupid humanity switch. You are not this person.” Y/N wiped his blood of her chin and launched at him again , dropping on the ground with a spectacular witchy headache a split second later. Now she knew why Damon was always in a horrid vengeance mood after those. It felt as if every blood vessel in her head popped all over , healed and popped all over again.   “I am going to kill you.” she said through gritted teeth.   “No. You won’t.” he said calmly , taking a step towards her. “I am going to get you to flip that switch back on and then I will find a way to reverse what Damon did to you.”   “Don’t — waste your t-time.” she struggled to speak. “I don’t n-need fixing.” Y/N kept struggling to get to him and somehow break his concentration but he wouldn’t stop. He placed his hand on his wound healing it with magic wondering who was this person in front of him ? Surely he hadn’t been the nicest person ever , specially to her but — Kai couldn’t stand seeing her like this , though he had to admit her being a vampire how made her even hotter in his eyes than before. He closed his eyes hearing her scream and groan in pain rolling on the ground for a few moments before he stopped the spell and he knelt down next to her , brushing his fingers against her cheek.      "You are not this person Y/N. “ said Kai taking a step towards her. "You are kind , caring - ”    "Was.“    "You still are.”    "No.“    "Please Y/N. I am really sorry about what I said and did that day.” he said gazing into her eyes. They were so cold and empty it broke him in half. “I didn’t see it back then but now I do and I know it is my fault you did this. I was a idiot , the biggest one rejecting you.”    "Finally. One thing we can agree on.“ she said sitting up and starring at him blankly. There was no way he’d actually think any of this and even if he was , that wont make her flip it back on. Wont change what he made her do or erase all the pain he caused. Y/N leaned in towards him , brushing her palm against his cheek giving him a small smile. For a moment he smiled too , thinking probably somehow he had broken through the tough exterior or at least had made a crack.    "You are pathetic.” she pit. “I am bored. Do you hate a deck of cards somewhere?”    "Fine then. We do it the hard way.“ he said getting up, breaking her leg in the next moment. "You are going to turn it on now or I will keep breaking and breaking cuz – sweetheart , we both know I am the actual monster here.” Y/N screamed in pain rolling on the ground but before she had had time to heal Kai flicked his wrist and her leg broke on another spot and another. Something in her mind started pushing its way through hearing his words. A flicker of  emotion , but she shoved it back where it came from before it had crawled its way out of the black door in her mind.   “Turn it on.”   “NO.” Kai flicked his wrist again breaking her other leg and her arm. He couldn’t stand what he was doing to her. Every flick of his wrist only added more to the guilt he already felt. What was he even doing ? After all of this there was no way she’d forgive him , ever.   “Keep breaking Parker.” she started laughing. “It will be even more satisfying when I get to rip your head off after that.”   “You are the best thing that has come into my life and I was so blind not seeing it back then.  I can’t live with the guilt of everything I did to you.”  his voice breaking. “I didn’t even know guilt can drown you without actually drowning you. It keeps me up at night -” Y/N wasn’t listening. Instead she was running scenarios in her head on how she’d get her revenge after that , not caring that would mean Liv’s death or Jo’s death. Not giving a damn about how Alaric would react to losing his future wife and his unborn twinsies. Not caring what Tyler would do to her if his girl dies. Kai knelt down on the ground next to her , studying her face. His eyes were so different in that moment - filled with tears, pain and regret.   “Kill me.” he dared her, stopping the spell. “Come on. Kill me.” Y/N caught her breath laying on the ground. “You are bluffing.”   “Rip my heart out.” he dared her again getting on top of her , placing her hand on his chest. “Put me out of my misery because I can’t live another second with the guilt about everything that I’ve done to you. Or to Jo or Liv. Or even Bonnie.” Kai’s heart was racing so fast it felt as if it was trying to leap out of his chest and then a tear rolled down his cheek which he completely ignored. Their eyes were locked on each other and none of them was willing to look away from the other.   “No.” she shook her head, pulling her hand away from his chest. “No , you deserve to live with it eating you away for the rest of your pat-” Kai didn’t let her finish. There was one thing left for him to try , hoping that maybe it would get her to turn her humanity back on. He pinned her hands on either side of her head and his lips crashed against hers , hungry and demanding , pulling the air out of her lungs. At first she struggled trying to push him off her which only made him kiss her harder until she stopped struggling and returned the kiss. His grip on her hands loosened and she tangled her fingers in his hair , both of them moaning into the kiss until Kai pulled away , resting his forehead on hers.   “I should’ve started with that.” he said out of breath , gazing into her eyes. “Please tell me it worked.” His heart was racing faster than ever , still feeling her lips on his. Y/N just stared at him and a few tears rolled down her temples. “Get off me. Now.” Kai’s face darkened but he did as she asked , rolling onto the ground next to her. He had hoped this would flip the switch , he hoped it had flipped it back considering how she had kissed him back. How it was possible that it hadn’t worked ?!   “What did I do?” she muttered , covering her face with her hands. “Oh my God what did I do?”   “Y/N?” he turned towards her. “What are you talking about ? Hey , talk to me.” Y/N shook her head refusing to say a word and then it hit him - her switch had flipped back on and every emotion had came rushing into her mind. Kai removed her hands from her face , pulling her into his embrace. He knew exactly how she felt in that moment because he had experienced the same thing a few days ago.   “I’m sorry. I am so sorry Y/N. It’s all my fault. I was an idiot , I am an idiot who hurt you so many times and led  you to do that to yourself , but I am going to fix it. I promise. I will find a way to fix everything.” said Kai , kissing her forehead. “I am so sorry and I know I don’t deserve  your forgiveness but I need you to give me one more chance to make things right.” Y/N’s mind was racing like crazy - what was she thinking becoming a vampire. Turning off her humanity and shutting out everything that made her who she was ?! All those people she hurt , the ones who got killed because she couldn’t handle rejection. Tears were streaming down her face so fast it was pointless to try and stop them.     “I know you hate me and you have every right to… I will spend every day until the rest of my life trying to make up for everything.” Kai waited for her to say something , to stop crying  holding her tightly towards him. Slowly rocking back and forth trying to calm her down.   “I bit you. Oh my God , I bit you..” her hands covered her face. “All the things I said. Everything I did.”   “It’s okay. It wasn’t you , I know it wasn’t”   “I am so sorry.” she cried turning towards him. Kai was crying too.   “Does that mean you w-will you give me one more chance? I promise I will find out a way to make you a human again and  — maybe we can have a future – together. ” he wondered , wiping away a few tears from her cheeks.    "Y-you want me to be a human ?” she said through tears. “But you said -”    "I was so blind and ignorant , not realising what I had until I lost it. Please Y/N , give me one more chance. Just one.“ he pleaded. Y/N smiled at him. "One more chance. D-don’t screw it up Malachai.” Kai grinned at her , usually he’d have other reaction to people calling him by his full name but not with her. He loved the way it had rolled off her tongue , like its the most special thing in the world to her.    "Wouldn’t dream of it.“ replied Kai , kissing her again.

MASTERLIST - SMUT MASTERLIST - FLUFF

[winniethefoole]

growing pains

You know, when i was a kid, i learned from physical pain how to deal better with emotional pain. Today i realized that by having begun to comprehend how to deal with emotional pain ive opened myself up to learning how to deal better with physical pain. My body sent out the signal of pain and instead of my usual cursing and reacting out , i noticed the pain closed my eyes, took a deep breath and smiled. I felt as if i had sent back an affirmation to the body that i acknowledge the pain and it was as if a small wave of relief flowed from the head to the stomach which made me more willing to still tend the pain. Is that the second brain in the stomach they talk about? The two old friends chatting back at forth, trying to impress heart, the beautiful and always understanding dame inbetween em. Either way.. I see now, having started to grow out of my past and to really learn how to love myself, how even such little things make up the small thought pattern changes we have to go through to make peace with ourselves. and it happens slowly over time by itself but more so the more we put attention to it and remind ourselves to be loving. To ourselves and as much and more to others around us. Ive realized also that this easing and relaxing into being human is a lifelong learning process that we all have to go through and each of us learns different things at different times, with different knowledge passed down to us from birth and throughout life. For a time i wanted to think i was just fucked in the head and nothing could save me . Now that ive become willing to face my truths, i have a point to start my real work from. And with this knowledge i really see how we are headed towards a hard time unless we lessen the amount of media we consume and really try to avoid all unnecessary bullshit that just leaves us dazed and confused. The less we understand our self the less we understand our world and that is the main reason the world is as fucked up as it is. Lack of knowledge of self. This is why we must be as open and honest with each as possible. Lifting each other up and instead of putting each other down, to try and be non judging, as we are all in this mess together. And i beg you brothers and sisters of earth, do not take all this talk of mental illness to heart so much. Use our knowledge of psychology to your advantage but see why you are the way you are and you can always adapt and grow, by staying true to your character and letting go of all that isn’t.. The you, who you sometimes so desperately try to hide from the world, is the one that needs love and attention the most. Do not surrender your inner power to illness. And in most cases these snake oil pills marketed to “fix you” should really be avoided at all cost. Near none of them are based on anything but deceit. Let food be your medicine and medicine be your food. And dont block yourself from love, make close friends and open yourself up, encouraging them to do the same. It’s the genetic evolution of mankind we are talking about after all. ~with love and care. the ramblings of a high young mind. To my fellow souls, lost in delirium, and to all who might find light and comfort.

[2slowgoers]

10.31.2019 - a not so spooky update

Hey W,

Long time no talk ;) (lol, JK of course!). I’m glad I get to see you soon. Never been in NYC with you before, I’m glad we get to spend a bit of it together, and explore together again. We don’t get a lot of chances to do that these days. On the topic of Halloween... you dressed up a ton this week! They were creative and solid costumes. IF you became a mom, I think you would have excellent + creative halloween costumes for the family. I never felt the presence fo Halloween as much as I did this year, maybe because I work for a bigger company, and I have established my social media spaces and am familiar with the people I follow, I quite admire the arts and craft that can go into costumes. Okay, that aside -

We did text a bit after your last post, and I feel like we touched on the important parts I wanted to ask about. TBH I just hope this to be a space we can vent and let it all out, no pressure to follow up or give each other advice. But rather a space just to listen to each other, I appreciate that. All I can say from reading a bit about your doubts around yourself and your long term relationship, I am just here by your side, waiting to see how things will or will not change in the next couple of years. This is that time of age where things will grow and change a lot! I called briefly with my friend J (in FL) and they are going through a bit of quarter life crisis, and a lot of the call was me reassuring them that it’s okay and that it’s okay to choose what it is that your heart wants. Like you said about your mom, we have all spent too much of our life following what others expect us to do, or shaping other people’s wants into our own. Since we’re still growing up and maturing, what we even “wanted” in high school and college, may not be what grown up and mature versions of ourselves want. I think this IS the time of our life we start learning to listen to ourselves, our inner voice that is maturing and growing up, and truly understanding what it is that we want. So I say, trust your gut. You know what you need, and you’ll know it when the time comes.

One quick thing before I dive into the topic of today - I have to say work is going better now that I have gone on vacation, and have had the time to get to know the new hires (people joined post-June). Most of them are around my age and we all get along really well. KBBQ last night was quite fun, and for once I found myself being able to be myself, and exhibit my sense of humor (something that not a lot of people get), and the people around me laughed and appreciated me for being who I am. That felt really nice. It’s a feeling I have dearly missed from not being around people who know me well. I liked being able to goof around (because that’s really who I am! It just takes a long time to show that side), and seeing other people goof off. I can say that even if I don’t want to be in tech and the industry can be draining, being around good people is so important, and especially with a lot of them in the same age range and many who are recent transplants, has created a team that is larger than just Berkeley grads lol. 

Topic I wanted to discuss today... When I was texting you earlier about my rooming situation and saying my ultimate fear is to be kicked out. Then I realized I have all these, you could say irrational fears, that I will 1) get fired 2) get kicked out 3) lose my job 4) lose all my savings/money 5) my friends hate me and will abandon me and just in general imagine the worst that could happen. I catch myself more often when I think these things and increasingly acknowledge it’s an irrational fear. I guess I wonder where all of this comes from - the fact that I get very “omg end of the world” and catastrophize easily. It’s definitely improved over the years, but I think it’s also from growing up with my mom. I see these traits in myself and in my brother too. We always imagine the worst, get anxious about it, then let the world know our anxious thoughts, and it spirals. I need to remind myself that no I am not going to be kicked out and no I am not going to be fired, my coworkers and team like me a lot and I do my job. I’m better at it now, so that’s cool.

This train of thought led me to something else though... you mentioned that I can take this opportunity to grow THICK SKIN. and you’re SO right. I have caught myself taking things too personally and being too sensitive to a lot of things, that are out of my control and have nothing to do with me. Like if a friend doesn’t reply fast, or they reply with a period at the end of the sentence, to what coworkers do or don’t do - I let it get to me, and when people joke, I respond seriously. Because I’m just so used to taking things seriously on the surface, even though deep down i love to joke, goof off, and not take things seriously.

For example, last night we were playing this game called “image game” where someone says image game and “who’s most likely to...” and then they count down and everyone in the group must point to the person they think are most likely to... and i don’t know exactly when but someone has to drink. Well, G (girl I sit next to work who I like a lot!) said “who’s most likely to quit their job and travel the world” - the people who know my plans pointed at me, but otherwise, the rest of the table was pointing at everyone else. Including G, who is someone i feel closer to now, pointed to someone else. G pointed to this other girl, and said “you because you moved to the bay area for absolutely no reason but just to come here”. deep down, i was like “but that’s me too! that’s me!” And for some reason, I took this whole thing so personally, and I was mildly bothered and thinking about it for the rest of the night. Why did not everyone point at me? How can this dream of mine that I’ve been thinking about since I was 20 years old, not be obvious? How can the world not know?! I do everything I do to follow this dream WHY DONT PEOPLE KNOW! <-- the question and capitalization is for dramatic effect, I wasn’t actually freaking out. But obviously I was thinking, like duh people won’t know what my dreams are because i NEVER talk about it. And duh, people probably think i’m super responsible and love my job because of the way i act at work and expect i am there to stay. SO, these thoughts just continued to stick around til this morning.

I decided to ask G to go to a room and talk personally because I wanted to follow up on this question. I provided context and asked her my main curiousity is “how do you perceive me?” “this is my lifelong dream and i am just curious how i come off as, that it wasn’t assumed to me” - she’s very nice and open and told me how she thought i was responsible, loved this job, and was here to stay. she just saw me as this super responsible type and not the kind to just leave like that. I also framed it in a way to be like “Ah yeah I want to blend in, I don’t want people to think I am on my way out” and she agrees that i am doing that fine, and she never expected that. Anyways... the GOOD part of this conversation was.. I told her “I’m literally here just to make money, pay off loans and save”. Then I asked “do you have any dreams you’d like to achieve?” And she was like “well I never told anyone at work this...” and then I quickly learned that she is here for the same reason I am, with a different goal in mind. she wants to go to nursing school - and she is here to save $ to pay off loans and save up to go. Even her bf, who is a dev, is also working a job and negotiated to anticipate to pay for her schooling. Then we were able to bond about how we both don’t want to be in tech in the long term, and how we don’t want to be in this job for the long term either, and we both kinda have to hold it in and cannot talk about what it is that we truly want to do. we could relate about our interview experiences and not being able to answer honestly the question to “where do you see yourself in 5 years”. And wow, that was a really nice conversation to have. To know that i am not alone in wanting to do something so badly, and to have to do something else in the interim, and we are desk neighbors! It’s funny actually, she’s by far been the best performing new hire IMO and i see a lot of similarities in myself and her. we do our jobs super well, and yet this is not where we want to be.

So that again, brings me to appreciate people who do work in the corporate world, at whatever point they need to for however long they need to. people are so much deeper than their work self. I especially appreciate the non-workaholics/people who don’t work all the time, because I see the life and dreams they get to live outside of work, and that’s just like a wholesome realization lol.

Alrighty, that’s me for today - see you soon!

[recentnews18-blog]

New Post has been published on https://shovelnews.com/maysoon-zayid-interview-i-want-to-be-the-image-of-the-american-you-dont-think-is-american/

Maysoon Zayid interview: 'I want to be the image of the American you don't think is American'

US standup comedian Maysoon Zayid likes to joke that if there were a competition called the Oppression Olympics, she would win gold.

“I’m Palestinian, Muslim, I’m a woman of colour, I’m disabled,” Zayid, who has cerebral palsy, tells audiences, before pausing a beat to hang her head, her long dark hair curtaining her face, “and I live in New Jersey”.

The joke lands laughs whether Zayid tells it in red states or blue, and puts people exactly where Zayid wants them: disarmed, charmed and eager for more. She told it near the beginning of her 2014 TED Talk, which drew nearly 15 million views, became the most-watched TED Talk that year and changed Zayid’s life. She now has a development deal with ABC to create a semi-autobiographical sitcom called Can-Can, starring her.

Read more

The show faces daunting odds; only a handful of the dozens of scripts networks order each autumn make it to air. But if Can-Can makes it all the way – Zayid told studio executives that she would end up in an internment camp if it didn’t – it may push two populations, one widely ignored, the other demonised, from the country’s margins into the mainstream.

People with disabilities make up nearly 20 per cent of the population yet account for about 2 per cent of onscreen characters, some 95 per cent of which are played by able-bodied stars. And it is hard to imagine a group more vilified in the United States than Muslims or Middle Easterners, whom, as Zayid’s television writing partner, Joanna Quraishi, said, “Americans see as either terrorists or Kardashians.”

The executive producers of Can-Can include Todd Milliner and Sean Hayes, who plays Jack on Will & Grace, itself a groundbreaking show credited with helping make gay characters mainstream. Milliner and Hayes are well aware of the envelope-pushing potential of Can-Can, but said that was not what sold them on Zayid.

Her energy filled the room, and she was self-aware, super smart, and madly funny. Crucially, she had a singular story. “The whole business is moving even more toward authentic stories that aren’t on TV right now,” Milliner said.

Zayid is a vociferous part of a small, dedicated movement calling attention to disability rights in entertainment, which are consistently overlooked in the quote-unquote diversity conversation.

Jay Ruderman, president of the Ruderman Family Foundation, a philanthropic and advocacy organisation for disability rights (it also works to strengthen ties between American Jews and Israel), said Zayid’s show could crush enduring stigmas disabled people face. “Progress is being made very slowly, but shows can be transformational,” he said.

Read more

The Can-Can character will be much like Zayid, a woman who happens to be disabled and Muslim and who grew up in New Jersey with big hair and Metallica T-shirts, navigating love and friendships and the world. “I want to get out there and be the image of the American you don’t think is American, and the Muslim you don’t think of when you think of a Muslim,” she said.

Zayid lives in a bright, plant-filled apartment in Cliffside Park, New Jersey, that she shares with her husband and their cat. She likes to keep her husband’s name under wraps, and publicly refers to him as Chefugee, for he is indeed both a refugee – they met while she was working with refugees in the Palestinian territories – and a chef.

Zayid’s parents, who are from a village outside Ramallah, also raised their family here. Zayid is the youngest of four daughters, and had an idyllic childhood despite a traumatic birth. The doctor botched her mother’s C-section, she said, smothering Zayid. Cerebral palsy is not genetic; it’s often caused by brain trauma before or during birth, and manifests differently in people. Zayid shakes all the time, though yoga has lessened the severity, and can walk but cannot stand for very long (she calls herself a sit-down standup comedian).

Her parents treated her no differently from her siblings. Her father, a gregarious salesman, taught her to walk by having her stand on his feet. She was sent to dance and piano lessons because the family could not afford physical or occupational therapy, and she became a popular high achiever. “I lived in a bubble,” she told me, “and that is very much related to who I am now”.

At college, her bubble burst. She went to Arizona State University on an academic scholarship, and on her first day in an English literature class, her professor stunned her by asking, “Can you read?” She majored in theatre – her lifelong dream has been to appear on General Hospital – yet despite wowing teachers she was never cast in school productions. Even when the theatre department mounted a play about a girl with cerebral palsy, a non-disabled student was chosen over Zayid for the part.

“It was devastating, because I knew I was good,” Zayid said. “The girl who got it was a great actress. But why would anyone want to see her fake cerebral palsy, when I’m sitting right here?”

It was a light-bulb moment, and she realised that the movies she loved with disabled characters, like Born on the Fourth of July, What’s Eating Gilbert Grape, and Rain Man, all had visibly non-disabled stars. She pursed acting after graduation, until a forthright acting coach told her she would never get cast, and ought to do a one-woman show.

leftCreated with Sketch. rightCreated with Sketch.

1/25 Bojack Horseman

A cartoon about a talking horse, starring the goofy older brother from Arrested Development… on paper little about BoJack Horseman screams “must watch”. Yet the series almost immediately transcended its format to deliver a moving and very funny rumination on depression and middle-age malaise. Will Arnett plays BoJack – one time star of Nineties hit sitcom Horsin’ Around – as a lost soul whose turbo-charged narcissism prevents him getting his life together. Almost as good are a support cast including Alison Brie (Glow, Mad Men), Aaron Paul, of Breaking Bad, and Amy Sedaris as a pampered Persian cat who is also BoJack’s agent. Season five touches the live rail of harassment in the movie industry, offering one of the most astute commentaries yet on the #MeToo movement with an episode based centred around an awards ceremony called “The Forgivies”.

Netflix

2/25 Stranger Things

A valentine to the Spielberg school of Eighties blockbuster, with Winona Ryder as a small town mom whose son is abducted by a transdimensional monster. ET, Goonies, Close Encounters, Alien and everything Stephen King wrote between 1975 and 1990 are all tossed into the blender by Millennial writer-creators the Duffer brothers. It was clear Stranger Things was going to be a mega-smash when Barb – the “best friend” character eaten in the second episode – went viral the weekend it dropped.

Netflix

3/25 Daredevil

Netflix’s Marvel shows tend towards the overlong and turgid. An exception is the high-kicking Daredevil, with Charlie Cox’s blind lawyer/crimefighter banishing all memory of Ben Affleck’s turn donning the red jumpsuit in 2003. With New York’s Hell’s Kitchen neighbourhood as backdrop, Daredevil is caked in street-level grit and features a searing series one performance by Vincent D’Onofrio as the villainous Kingpin. The perfect antidote to the deafening bombast of the big screen Marvel movies.

Netflix

4/25 The Staircase

Did he do it? Does it matter considering the lengths the Durham, North Carolina police seemingly went in order to stitch him up? Sitting through this twisting, turning documenting about the trial of Michael Peterson – charged with the murder in 2003 of his wife – the viewer may find themselves alternately empathising with and recoiling from the accused. It’s a feat of bravura factual filmmaking from French documentarian Jean-Xavier de Lestrade, which comes to Netflix with a recently shot three-part coda catching up with the (very weird) Peterson clan a decade on.

Netflix

5/25 Dark

Stranger Things: the Euro-Gloom years. Netflix’s first German-language production is a pulp romp that thinks it’s a Wagner opera. In a remote town surrounded by a creepy forest locals fear the disappearance of a teenager may be linked to other missing persons cases from decades earlier. The timelines get twisted and it’s obvious that something wicked is emanating from a tunnel leading to a nearby nuclear power plant. Yet if the story sometimes trips itself up the Goonies-meets-Götterdämmerung ambiance keeps you hooked.

Netflix

6/25 A Series of Unfortunate Events

The wry and bleak Lemony Snickett children novels finally get the ghastly adaptation they deserve (let’s all pretend the dreadful 2004 Jim Carrey movie never happened). Neil Patrick Harris gobbles up the scenery as the vain and wicked Count Olaf, desperate to separate the Baudelaire orphans from their considerable inheritance. The look is Tim Burton by way of Wes Anderson, and the dark wit of the books is replicated perfectly (Snickett, aka Daniel Handler, is co-producer).

Netflix

7/25 Maniac

If you’re curious as to how Cary Fukunaga will handle the Bond franchise, his limited series, starring Emma Stone and Jonah Hill, drops some delicious hints. It’s a mind-bending sci-fi story set in an alternative United States where computers still look like Commodore 64s and in which you pay for goods by having a “travel buddy” sit down and read you adverts. Stone and Hill are star-crossed outcasts participating in a drugs trial that catapults them into a series of trippy genre excursions – including an occult adventure and a Lord of the Rings-style fantasy. It is here that Fukunaga demonstrates his versatility, handling potentially hokey material smartly and respectfully. 007 fans can sleep easy.

Netflix

8/25 Better Call Saul

The Breaking Bad prequel is starting to outgrow the show that spawned it. Where Breaking Bad delivered a master-class in scorched earth storytelling Saul is gentler and more humane. Years before the rise of Walter White, the future meth overlord’s sleazy lawyer, Saul Goodman, is still plain old Jimmy McGill, a striving every-dude trying to catch a break. But how far will he go to make his name and escape the shadow of his superstar attorney brother Chuck (Michael McKean)?

AMC Studios/Netflix

9/25 Black Mirror

Don’t tell Channel 4 but Charlie Brooker’s dystopian anthology series has arguably got even better since making the jump from British terrestrial TV to the realm of megabucks American streaming. Bigger budgets have given creators Brooker and Annabel Jones license to let their imaginations off the leash – yielding unsurpassable episodes such as virtual reality love story “San Junipero” and Star Trek parody “USS Callister”, which has bagged a bunch of Emmys.

Netflix

10/25 Mindhunter

David Fincher produces this serial killer drama based on the writings of a real-life FBI psychological profiler. It’s the post-Watergate Seventies and two maverick G-Men (Jonathan Groff and Holt McCallany) are going out on a limb by utilising the latest psychological research to get inside the heads of a motley assembly of real-life sociopathic murders – including the notorious “Co-Ed” butcher Ed Kemper, brought chillingly to live in an Emmy-nominated performance by Cameron Britton.

Netflix

11/25 The Crown

A right royal blockbuster from dramatist Peter Morgan (The Queen, Frost / Nixon). Tracing the reign of Elizabeth II from her days as a wide-eyed young woman propelled to the throne after the surprise early death of her father, The Crown humanises the royals even as it paints their private lives as a bodice-ripping soap. Matt Smith is charmingly roguish as Prince Philip and Vanessa Kirby has ascended the Hollywood ranks on the back of her turn as the flawed yet sympathetic Princess Margaret. Most impressive of all, arguably, is Claire Foy, who plays the Queen as a shy woman thrust unwillingly into the spotlight. Foy and the rest of the principal cast have now departed, with a crew of older actors – headed by Olivia Colman and Tobias Menzies – taking over as the middle-aged Windsors for season three.

Netflix

12/25 Narcos

This drug trafficking caper spells out exactly what kind of series it is with an early scene in which two gangsters zip around a multi-level carpark on a motorbike firing a machine gun. Narcos, in other words, is for people who consider Pacino’s Scarface a touch too understated. Series one and two feature a mesmerising performance by Wagner Moura as Columbian cocaine kingpin Pablo Escobar, while season three focuses on the notorious Cali cartel. Reported to be one of Netflix’s biggest hits – the company doesn’t release audience figures – the fourth season turns its attention to Mexico’s interminable drugs wars.

Juan Pablo Gutierrez/Netflix

13/25 Master Of None

A cloud hangs over Aziz Ansari’s future after he was embroiled in the #MeToo scandal. But whatever happens, he has left us with a humane and riveting sitcom about an Ansari-proximate character looking for love and trying to establish himself professionally in contemporary New York.

K.C. Bailey / Netflix

14/25 Bloodline

One of Netflix’s early blockbusters, the sprawling soap opera updates Dallas to modern day southern Florida. Against the edge-of-civilisation backdrop of the Florida Keys, Kyle Chandler plays the local detective and favourite son of a well-to-do family. Their idyllic lives are thrown into chaos with the return of the clan’s black sheep (an unnervingly intense Ben Mendelsohn). The story is spectacularly hokey but searing performances by Chandler and Mendelsohn, and by Sissy Spacek and the late Sam Shepard as their imperious parents, make Bloodline compelling – a guilty pleasure that, actually, you shouldn’t feel all that guilty about.

Rod Millington/Netflix

15/25 The Alienist

You can almost smell the shoddy sanitation and horse-manure in this lavish murder-mystery set in 19th New York. We’re firmly in Martin Scorsese’s Gangs of New York territory, with a serial killer bumping off boy prostitutes across Manhattan. Enter pioneering criminal psychologist Dr Laszlo Kreisler (Daniel Brühl), aided by newspaper man John Moore (Luke Evans) and feisty lady detective Sara Howard (Dakota Fanning).

Kurt Iswarienko

16/25 Love

Judd Apatow bring his signature gross-out comedy to the small screen. Love, which Apatow produced, is a masterclass in restraint compared to 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up etc. Paul Rust is Gus, a nerdish movie set tutor, whose develops a crush on Gillian Jacobs’s too-cool-for-school radio producer Mickey. Romance, of a sort, blossoms – but Love’s triumph is to acknowledge the complications of real life and to disabuse its characters of the idea that there’s such a thing as a straightforward happy ending. Hipster LA provides the bustling setting.

Netflix

17/25 Queer Eye

Who says reality TV has to be nasty and manipulative? This updating of the early 2000s hit Queer Eye for the Straight Guy has five stereotype-challenging gay men sharing lifestyle tips and fashion advice with an engaging cast of All American schlubs (the first two seasons are shot mostly in the state of Georgia). There are laughs – but serious moment too, such as when one of the crew refuses to enter a church because of the still unhealed scars of his strict Christian upbringing.

Netflix

18/25 Chef’s Table

A high-gloss revamping of the traditional TV food show. Each episode profiles a high wattage international chef; across its three seasons, the series has featured gastronomic superstars from the US, Argentina, India and Korea.

Charles Panian/Netflix

19/25 Arrested Development

A disastrous group interview in which actor Jason Bateman “mansplained” away the bullying co-star Jessica Walter had suffered at the hands of fellow cast-member Jeffrey Tambor meant season five of Arrested Development was fatally compromised before it even landed. Yet Netflix’s return to the dysfunctional world of the Bluth family stands on its merits and is a worthy addition to the surreal humour of seasons one through three (series four, which had to work around the busy schedules of the cast, is disposable by comparison).

Netflix

20/25 Altered Carbon

Netflix does Bladerunner with this sumptuous adaptation of the cult Richard Morgan novel. The setting is a neon-splashed cyberpunk future in which the super-wealthy live forever by uploading the consciousness into new “skins”. Enter rebel-turned-detective Takeshi Kovacs (Joel Kinnaman), hired to find out who killed a (since resurrected) zillionaire industrialist while dealing with fallout from his own troubled past. Rumoured to be one of Netflix’s most expensive projects yet, for its second run, Anthony Mackie (aka Marvel’s Falcon) replaced Kinnaman as the shape-shifting Kovacs.

Netflix

21/25 Rick and Morty

Dan Harmon, creator of cult sitcom Community (also on Netflix), finds the perfect outlet for zany fanboy imagination with this crazed animated comedy about a Marty McFly/Doc Brown-esque duo of time travellers. Every genre imaginable is parodied with the manic energy and zinging dialogue we have come to expect from Harmon.

Netflix/Adult Swim

22/25 GLOW

Mad Men’s Alison Brie is our entry point into this comedy-drama inspired by a real life all-female wrestling league in the Eighties. Ruth Wilder (Brie) is a down-on-her luck actor who, out of desperation, signs up a wrestling competition willed into being by Sam Sylvia (podcast king Marc Maron). Britrock singer Kate Nash is one of her her fellow troupe members: the larger than life Rhonda “Britannica” Richardson.

Netflix

23/25 Archer

Deadpan animated satire about an idiot super spy with shaken and stirred mother issues. One of the most ambitious modern comedies, animated or otherwise, Archer tries on different varieties of humour for size and even occasionally tugs at the heart strings.

24/25 Ozark

Breaking Bad for those with short attention spans. The saga of Walter White took years to track the iconic anti-hero’s rise from mild mannered everyman to dead-eyed criminal. Ozark gets there in the first half hour as nebbish Chicago accountant Marty Byrde (Jason Bateman) agrees to serve as lieutenant for the Mexican mob in the hillbilly heartlands of Ozark, Missouri (in return they thoughtfully spare his life). Bateman, usually seen in comedy roles, is a revelation as is Laura Linney as his nasty wife Wendy. There is also a break-out performance by Julia Garner playing the scion of a local redneck crime family.

Netflix

25/25 The Good Place

A heavenly comedy with a twist. Eleanor Shellstrop (Kristen Bell) is a cynical schlub waved through the Pearly Gates by mistake after dying in a bizarre supermarket accident. There she must remain above the suspicions of seemingly well-meaning but disorganised angel Michael (Ted Danson) whilst also negotiating fractious relationships with do-gooder Chidi (William Jackson Harper), spoiled princess Tahani (former T4 presenter Jameela Jamil) and ex-drug dealer Jason (Manny Jacinto).

Netflix

1/25 Bojack Horseman

A cartoon about a talking horse, starring the goofy older brother from Arrested Development… on paper little about BoJack Horseman screams “must watch”. Yet the series almost immediately transcended its format to deliver a moving and very funny rumination on depression and middle-age malaise. Will Arnett plays BoJack – one time star of Nineties hit sitcom Horsin’ Around – as a lost soul whose turbo-charged narcissism prevents him getting his life together. Almost as good are a support cast including Alison Brie (Glow, Mad Men), Aaron Paul, of Breaking Bad, and Amy Sedaris as a pampered Persian cat who is also BoJack’s agent. Season five touches the live rail of harassment in the movie industry, offering one of the most astute commentaries yet on the #MeToo movement with an episode based centred around an awards ceremony called “The Forgivies”.

Netflix

2/25 Stranger Things

A valentine to the Spielberg school of Eighties blockbuster, with Winona Ryder as a small town mom whose son is abducted by a transdimensional monster. ET, Goonies, Close Encounters, Alien and everything Stephen King wrote between 1975 and 1990 are all tossed into the blender by Millennial writer-creators the Duffer brothers. It was clear Stranger Things was going to be a mega-smash when Barb – the “best friend” character eaten in the second episode – went viral the weekend it dropped.

Netflix

3/25 Daredevil

Netflix’s Marvel shows tend towards the overlong and turgid. An exception is the high-kicking Daredevil, with Charlie Cox’s blind lawyer/crimefighter banishing all memory of Ben Affleck’s turn donning the red jumpsuit in 2003. With New York’s Hell’s Kitchen neighbourhood as backdrop, Daredevil is caked in street-level grit and features a searing series one performance by Vincent D’Onofrio as the villainous Kingpin. The perfect antidote to the deafening bombast of the big screen Marvel movies.

Netflix

4/25 The Staircase

Did he do it? Does it matter considering the lengths the Durham, North Carolina police seemingly went in order to stitch him up? Sitting through this twisting, turning documenting about the trial of Michael Peterson – charged with the murder in 2003 of his wife – the viewer may find themselves alternately empathising with and recoiling from the accused. It’s a feat of bravura factual filmmaking from French documentarian Jean-Xavier de Lestrade, which comes to Netflix with a recently shot three-part coda catching up with the (very weird) Peterson clan a decade on.

Netflix

5/25 Dark

Stranger Things: the Euro-Gloom years. Netflix’s first German-language production is a pulp romp that thinks it’s a Wagner opera. In a remote town surrounded by a creepy forest locals fear the disappearance of a teenager may be linked to other missing persons cases from decades earlier. The timelines get twisted and it’s obvious that something wicked is emanating from a tunnel leading to a nearby nuclear power plant. Yet if the story sometimes trips itself up the Goonies-meets-Götterdämmerung ambiance keeps you hooked.

Netflix

6/25 A Series of Unfortunate Events

The wry and bleak Lemony Snickett children novels finally get the ghastly adaptation they deserve (let’s all pretend the dreadful 2004 Jim Carrey movie never happened). Neil Patrick Harris gobbles up the scenery as the vain and wicked Count Olaf, desperate to separate the Baudelaire orphans from their considerable inheritance. The look is Tim Burton by way of Wes Anderson, and the dark wit of the books is replicated perfectly (Snickett, aka Daniel Handler, is co-producer).

Netflix

7/25 Maniac

If you’re curious as to how Cary Fukunaga will handle the Bond franchise, his limited series, starring Emma Stone and Jonah Hill, drops some delicious hints. It’s a mind-bending sci-fi story set in an alternative United States where computers still look like Commodore 64s and in which you pay for goods by having a “travel buddy” sit down and read you adverts. Stone and Hill are star-crossed outcasts participating in a drugs trial that catapults them into a series of trippy genre excursions – including an occult adventure and a Lord of the Rings-style fantasy. It is here that Fukunaga demonstrates his versatility, handling potentially hokey material smartly and respectfully. 007 fans can sleep easy.

Netflix

8/25 Better Call Saul

The Breaking Bad prequel is starting to outgrow the show that spawned it. Where Breaking Bad delivered a master-class in scorched earth storytelling Saul is gentler and more humane. Years before the rise of Walter White, the future meth overlord’s sleazy lawyer, Saul Goodman, is still plain old Jimmy McGill, a striving every-dude trying to catch a break. But how far will he go to make his name and escape the shadow of his superstar attorney brother Chuck (Michael McKean)?

AMC Studios/Netflix

9/25 Black Mirror

Don’t tell Channel 4 but Charlie Brooker’s dystopian anthology series has arguably got even better since making the jump from British terrestrial TV to the realm of megabucks American streaming. Bigger budgets have given creators Brooker and Annabel Jones license to let their imaginations off the leash – yielding unsurpassable episodes such as virtual reality love story “San Junipero” and Star Trek parody “USS Callister”, which has bagged a bunch of Emmys.

Netflix

10/25 Mindhunter

David Fincher produces this serial killer drama based on the writings of a real-life FBI psychological profiler. It’s the post-Watergate Seventies and two maverick G-Men (Jonathan Groff and Holt McCallany) are going out on a limb by utilising the latest psychological research to get inside the heads of a motley assembly of real-life sociopathic murders – including the notorious “Co-Ed” butcher Ed Kemper, brought chillingly to live in an Emmy-nominated performance by Cameron Britton.

Netflix

11/25 The Crown

A right royal blockbuster from dramatist Peter Morgan (The Queen, Frost / Nixon). Tracing the reign of Elizabeth II from her days as a wide-eyed young woman propelled to the throne after the surprise early death of her father, The Crown humanises the royals even as it paints their private lives as a bodice-ripping soap. Matt Smith is charmingly roguish as Prince Philip and Vanessa Kirby has ascended the Hollywood ranks on the back of her turn as the flawed yet sympathetic Princess Margaret. Most impressive of all, arguably, is Claire Foy, who plays the Queen as a shy woman thrust unwillingly into the spotlight. Foy and the rest of the principal cast have now departed, with a crew of older actors – headed by Olivia Colman and Tobias Menzies – taking over as the middle-aged Windsors for season three.

Netflix

12/25 Narcos

This drug trafficking caper spells out exactly what kind of series it is with an early scene in which two gangsters zip around a multi-level carpark on a motorbike firing a machine gun. Narcos, in other words, is for people who consider Pacino’s Scarface a touch too understated. Series one and two feature a mesmerising performance by Wagner Moura as Columbian cocaine kingpin Pablo Escobar, while season three focuses on the notorious Cali cartel. Reported to be one of Netflix’s biggest hits – the company doesn’t release audience figures – the fourth season turns its attention to Mexico’s interminable drugs wars.

Juan Pablo Gutierrez/Netflix

13/25 Master Of None

A cloud hangs over Aziz Ansari’s future after he was embroiled in the #MeToo scandal. But whatever happens, he has left us with a humane and riveting sitcom about an Ansari-proximate character looking for love and trying to establish himself professionally in contemporary New York.

K.C. Bailey / Netflix

14/25 Bloodline

One of Netflix’s early blockbusters, the sprawling soap opera updates Dallas to modern day southern Florida. Against the edge-of-civilisation backdrop of the Florida Keys, Kyle Chandler plays the local detective and favourite son of a well-to-do family. Their idyllic lives are thrown into chaos with the return of the clan’s black sheep (an unnervingly intense Ben Mendelsohn). The story is spectacularly hokey but searing performances by Chandler and Mendelsohn, and by Sissy Spacek and the late Sam Shepard as their imperious parents, make Bloodline compelling – a guilty pleasure that, actually, you shouldn’t feel all that guilty about.

Rod Millington/Netflix

15/25 The Alienist

You can almost smell the shoddy sanitation and horse-manure in this lavish murder-mystery set in 19th New York. We’re firmly in Martin Scorsese’s Gangs of New York territory, with a serial killer bumping off boy prostitutes across Manhattan. Enter pioneering criminal psychologist Dr Laszlo Kreisler (Daniel Brühl), aided by newspaper man John Moore (Luke Evans) and feisty lady detective Sara Howard (Dakota Fanning).

Kurt Iswarienko

16/25 Love

Judd Apatow bring his signature gross-out comedy to the small screen. Love, which Apatow produced, is a masterclass in restraint compared to 40 Year Old Virgin, Knocked Up etc. Paul Rust is Gus, a nerdish movie set tutor, whose develops a crush on Gillian Jacobs’s too-cool-for-school radio producer Mickey. Romance, of a sort, blossoms – but Love’s triumph is to acknowledge the complications of real life and to disabuse its characters of the idea that there’s such a thing as a straightforward happy ending. Hipster LA provides the bustling setting.

Netflix

17/25 Queer Eye

Who says reality TV has to be nasty and manipulative? This updating of the early 2000s hit Queer Eye for the Straight Guy has five stereotype-challenging gay men sharing lifestyle tips and fashion advice with an engaging cast of All American schlubs (the first two seasons are shot mostly in the state of Georgia). There are laughs – but serious moment too, such as when one of the crew refuses to enter a church because of the still unhealed scars of his strict Christian upbringing.

Netflix

18/25 Chef’s Table

A high-gloss revamping of the traditional TV food show. Each episode profiles a high wattage international chef; across its three seasons, the series has featured gastronomic superstars from the US, Argentina, India and Korea.

Charles Panian/Netflix

19/25 Arrested Development

A disastrous group interview in which actor Jason Bateman “mansplained” away the bullying co-star Jessica Walter had suffered at the hands of fellow cast-member Jeffrey Tambor meant season five of Arrested Development was fatally compromised before it even landed. Yet Netflix’s return to the dysfunctional world of the Bluth family stands on its merits and is a worthy addition to the surreal humour of seasons one through three (series four, which had to work around the busy schedules of the cast, is disposable by comparison).

Netflix

20/25 Altered Carbon

Netflix does Bladerunner with this sumptuous adaptation of the cult Richard Morgan novel. The setting is a neon-splashed cyberpunk future in which the super-wealthy live forever by uploading the consciousness into new “skins”. Enter rebel-turned-detective Takeshi Kovacs (Joel Kinnaman), hired to find out who killed a (since resurrected) zillionaire industrialist while dealing with fallout from his own troubled past. Rumoured to be one of Netflix’s most expensive projects yet, for its second run, Anthony Mackie (aka Marvel’s Falcon) replaced Kinnaman as the shape-shifting Kovacs.

Netflix

21/25 Rick and Morty

Dan Harmon, creator of cult sitcom Community (also on Netflix), finds the perfect outlet for zany fanboy imagination with this crazed animated comedy about a Marty McFly/Doc Brown-esque duo of time travellers. Every genre imaginable is parodied with the manic energy and zinging dialogue we have come to expect from Harmon.

Netflix/Adult Swim

22/25 GLOW

Mad Men’s Alison Brie is our entry point into this comedy-drama inspired by a real life all-female wrestling league in the Eighties. Ruth Wilder (Brie) is a down-on-her luck actor who, out of desperation, signs up a wrestling competition willed into being by Sam Sylvia (podcast king Marc Maron). Britrock singer Kate Nash is one of her her fellow troupe members: the larger than life Rhonda “Britannica” Richardson.

Netflix

23/25 Archer

Deadpan animated satire about an idiot super spy with shaken and stirred mother issues. One of the most ambitious modern comedies, animated or otherwise, Archer tries on different varieties of humour for size and even occasionally tugs at the heart strings.

24/25 Ozark

Breaking Bad for those with short attention spans. The saga of Walter White took years to track the iconic anti-hero’s rise from mild mannered everyman to dead-eyed criminal. Ozark gets there in the first half hour as nebbish Chicago accountant Marty Byrde (Jason Bateman) agrees to serve as lieutenant for the Mexican mob in the hillbilly heartlands of Ozark, Missouri (in return they thoughtfully spare his life). Bateman, usually seen in comedy roles, is a revelation as is Laura Linney as his nasty wife Wendy. There is also a break-out performance by Julia Garner playing the scion of a local redneck crime family.

Netflix

25/25 The Good Place

A heavenly comedy with a twist. Eleanor Shellstrop (Kristen Bell) is a cynical schlub waved through the Pearly Gates by mistake after dying in a bizarre supermarket accident. There she must remain above the suspicions of seemingly well-meaning but disorganised angel Michael (Ted Danson) whilst also negotiating fractious relationships with do-gooder Chidi (William Jackson Harper), spoiled princess Tahani (former T4 presenter Jameela Jamil) and ex-drug dealer Jason (Manny Jacinto).

Netflix

Zayid took comedy classes instead, began to get gigs, and after 11 September started the New York Arab-American Comedy Festival with Dean Obeidallah. “The simplest way for me to describe Maysoon is fearless,” Obeidallah said.

She also toured with the standup comedy show Arabs Gone Wild, landed a part in Adam Sandler’s You Don’t Mess with the Zohan, and became a political commentator on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, which proved a revelation.

Zayid had long understood that some non-disabled people recoiled at disabilities out of fear. “They’re one popped blood vessel or car accident away from being this way,” she said. But her Olbermann appearances drew hateful online comments calling her, she said, “a Gumby-mouth terrorist” and “an honour killing gone wrong”. It was the first time Zayid had been mocked for being disabled, and made her suddenly aware of the abuse that disabled people routinely faced.

After Zayid’s TED Talk went viral, she became one of the most booked speakers at the huge talent agency WME, and used her bigger platform to push questions forward: Where were the visibly disabled news anchors and talk-show hosts? Why, outside a handful of shows – among them Switched at Birth, Breaking Bad, American Horror Story and Speechless – were visibly disabled actors largely absent from television? Why was it OK for non-disabled stars to play disabled characters – a practice nicknamed “CripFace” – and win big awards?

While performances by, say, Joaquin Phoenix as a wheelchair-using cartoonist or Eddie Redmayne as Stephen Hawking largely go unquestioned, and even lauded, by non-disabled people, Zayid said that for many people with disabilities, their acting looks cartoonish, exaggerated, offensive and inauthentic.

“You can put on makeup to look Asian or Latino or black, but black, Asian and Latino people know you’re not,” she said. “And disabled people watching their disabilities being poorly portrayed know it’s not them either.” Or, as she says onstage, if a person in a wheelchair can’t play Beyoncé, Beyoncé can’t play a person in a wheelchair.

Zayid will find out in January whether her show is to be made into a pilot. In the meantime, she is zipping around the world. In recent years, her gigs have included performing at the Team Beachbody Coach Summit – it’s for workout fiends – in Nashville, Tennessee; opening for rapper Pitbull in Las Vegas; and doing comedy, in both Arabic and English, in the United Arab Emirates (“They loved me,” she said).

At every turn, she slaps down people for using a particularly dreaded word. “If you think I’m inspirational because I go and do sit-down standup comedy uncovered and uncensored in the middle of the Arab world, I’ll take it,” she said.

“If you think I’m inspirational because I wake up in the morning and don’t weep about the fact that I’m disabled, that’s not inspirational,” she continued. “That’s like I make you feel better about yourself because you’re not me. I want to make you feel better about yourself because I made you laugh.”

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Source: https://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/comedy/features/maysoon-zayid-interview-comedian-standup-disability-activist-ted-talk-can-can-show-a8626201.html

[i-surviv3d-bitchh]

I started seeing this new therapist...I don't think it's working out. She spent the first two sessions filling out extensive paperwork...she wanted my whole backstory. So, out of context, "yeah, this was traumatic...yes, I've had this illness...yes, several relatives have this mental illness...." etc. Then today...I told her during the first session that I didn't want coping mechanisms, or even ways of improving behavior. I just want to understand myself. I want to talk about how I feel and be asked "why?" I want a safe environment where I can talk at length about my childhood and assorted lifelong pains without feeling like I'm bothering the person--i.e., I want someone who I don't have to worry about feeling like I'm just unloading on them, like a friend would after a while. Behavior changes could happen in time, but once I'm ready. Most of the therapists I've had have pushed behavior change, thought modification, before I even understood WHY I have this behavior, WHY I think the way I do. I just want, for example, to be asked WHY I'm so scared of initiating contact with friends, not HOW to change it so that I do contact friends more freely. Because if I don't figure out why, and if they don't help me realize why and then show me how to come to the belief that my friends DO want to hear from me and that they DONT dislike me...how am I supposed to believe that on face value? "Do you have any evidence to suggest your friends don't like you? No? Then stop catastrophizing." wow so EASY when I have intense disordered anxiety and you have not even tried to figure out why this developed and how to address the root Anyway I started talking about my social anxiety and she immediately went for the "how to change it." I said that I'm always afraid I'll do something wrong and lose a friend, even a long-time friend, like all our good times will completely disappear and mean nothing because of one accidental fuck-up. And she asked whether this has ever happened before--the old "well it never has happened, so why do you think it WILL?" but it has happened. And she kind of brushed off my example and focused on how, to get over anxiety, you have to face the fear. Slowly, over time, getting bigger and bigger, you know. Look at images of spiders before seeing one in the flesh, I guess. But that doesn't WORK for me. It has worked with other phobias, like airplanes and stuff, but not with social anxiety. I worked at my old job for 4 years, a work-study job no less, and I never became comfortable. I always thought my boss would yell at me, i'd somehow get fired, etc. I knew my academic advisor for three years, and he became my favorite professor, we would talk about all sorts of shit for over an hour multiple times in his office. All the time. Never became comfortable. Slightly more comfortable, but always the fear: I'm going to fuck up and he's going to realize I'm weird, and not in a good way, and he's going to distance himself, etc. etc. I did the anxiety thing, where I faced my fear. Every time I went to his office for our weekly meeting, I hyped myself up. As in, calmed myself, prepared. Was always nervous before, during, and after. Never got any easier. Loved talking to him, but the anxiety never went away. Which is why I worry that I may have avpd--this is just so...set in my personality. No matter how many times or how much I face it...it never changes. But anyway, she asked if we could make a goal, a relationship to work on. So I said I'd like to reconnect with that professor (i graduated a few months ago) by going out to coffee or something, but I was always too shy. And she said I could just drop by his office and say hi, so no pressure on either of us, I could say I had to go run an errand whenever I felt I should leave. And that wasn't unhelpful. That feels a lot more doable than planning a meet-up. So...it did help. But I just...I want to find out why. Where did this come from, this fear. I have my suspicions--assorted childhood hardships. But...everyone, and I think her...feels like I'm making excuses. All I'm trying to do is know why. What's the reason. The reason is not an excuse. I'm not saying, "I had this childhood trauma, so now I could never do the thing and it's my parent/brother/other person's fault." no. It's more like, "I had this childhood trauma, and that is why I have this fear/act this way. How do I resolve this trauma?" My dad broke my arm when I was seven for spilling some soda. I think that might have something to do with my fear of doing a minor thing wrong and ruining everything and getting hurt. I don't want a therapist who I suspect may feel like this is me blaming, this is me avoiding that I have to change, pointing my finger at that and dwelling instead of moving forward. I want a therapist who will listen to me, acknowledge this, and ask, "how do we resolve this?" you don't look at the consequence of this, the fact that I'm scared of fucking up, and say, "well, keep putting yourself into that situation. This is how you reduce your anxiety situationally to get yourself into that situation." if we acknowledge that my social anxiety never dissipates, but say to that "well, just manage it forever without ever at least trying to address the root," I think that's...silly, and hurtful, I don't like it. I just want someone to care why. I want someone to hear my hurt and pain, validate it, and ask me what I need. What I think about all of it. Help me soul-search and realize what I missed, what went wrong, identify the thought patterns maybe and rearrange. I don't want this..."treat the symptoms but never ask what the disease is, or the cause." If a new disease came about and we never asked where it came from, or how to cure it, just...treated the symptoms...which is, well, a lot of how we deal with mental illness...ah, idk. I just want to talk to someone without me feeling like they're judging me or I'm burdening them. And I don't think I'll get that with this therapist.