#when theyre not hurting anyone by doing so

[sockatoothewafflebird]

over and over, i fuck myself over, and under and under, i do it again.

morning and evening, i felt i was grieving, until i said fuck you, and never again.

daytime or nighttime, i feel i'm on my time, but time is fickle, just like a friend.

and with my departure, from the pain i harbor, i feel i am sinking, and sailing to swim...

--

I'm worried about Ragatha.

She'd definitely be better off not looking at mirrors for a while. Even more so if she stopped reciting random depressing songs to her ceiling, for no other reason than to dig a deeper hole, to sink further down. I can hear her singing to herself every night, the same songs she plays on all her instruments. What a beautiful voice. How beautifully she plays. But, it's always so sad.

She keeps falling. Faster. Further. Her screams can't be heard anymore. And yet she never falters. How many miles - and what kind - of shit has she been through, to think this is okay? How long did it go on for, for her to think it's normal?

It's not healthy.

But she doesn't mind. Somehow. She'd break her own arms herself if it meant Zooble would stop losing their temper at her, if it meant Jax would stop terrorizing Gangle, if it meant Kinger could just remember the little things.

She's such a wonderful person. Amazing. An unstoppable ray of sunshine for anyone willing to look at her. She's the kindest person I've ever met. Even behind all that fog, she cares, maybe more than anyone. It's so sweet.

It's so easy to see she's hurting though. She hurts so much sometimes I can see her hide her tears, I can tell she deflects all the time.

If only she knew she didn't have to hide. If only she saw it. If only she knew she's more than a toy.

If only I could get through to her.

I guess I should've listened when Kaufmo said to never fall for a girl with baggage. Seeing her like this just hurts.

I hope she can figure it out. I try so hard to make sure she's doing alright, and she always insists I don't have to worry. And I can never hide how much it devastates me that she thinks I'd drop the subject so quickly, and just act like I don't care. I do care. I care so much I think i'll fucking die if she doesn't start seeing through my eyes once in a while.

God. This is the longest entry i've ever written. My hand hurts.

Goodnight, I guess. Here's to hoping.

---

my plan when i find a character i like (in no particular order):

this is how i feel about ragatha. in case you didn't notice. i love her as a character so much i just wanna put her under a damn microscope. the influence has influenced me and now i share the obsession with ragatha that mod bee from @ask-the-rag-dolly has been afflicted with.

pomni is such an observant character. and caring. and overall very smart. she can't pretend she doesn't notice all of ragatha's little lies and slip-ups.. and it eats away at her, knowing she can't do anything, knowing ragatha can't and won't accept help right now. ragatha needs to come to terms with it on her own. a therapist is what ragatha needs.

but in a video game? and in my au, in the middle of a broken world full of corporate greed and the cold, unforgiving whims of mother nature? if she found a therapist in either, it would be considered a once in a lifetime historical discovery. the school textbooks would have a chapter on it.

either way, something's up in the darkest depths of that cotton-filled brain of hers, and she's just built to think it doesn't matter. she's built to make sure everything stays nice and positive and okay. when we ALL see it's not. goddamnit ragatha i will make an oc that is a licensed therapist just so you can stop being such a sad wet dog and start practicing the art of self-partially-enjoy oh my god you sweet little door hinge

(song lyrics at the beginning are from over & over by rio romeo btw, theyre very cool pls check them out)

[yvoi]

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[yourbodymyarchive]

i actually really like the jonelias dynamic that i have made up in my mind where it has the potential to turn into such a twisted and wicked relationship where its only driving force is desire. fucked up desire, but desire nonetheless. elias sculpted jon into exactly what he wanted, a god to be worshipped and heralded as the most important being in the universe. he made him into that. and jon will rest his head on elias's thigh and feel love coursing through them. is it for each other? they can't say. but it feels good.

if the cards had fallen a different way, i don't know. maybe jon wouldn't have resisted so much. maybe he would grow to enjoy it. another one of my made up desires: a jon sims who is just utterly accepting of the monstrosity that made him "other" in the eyes of his friends. he doesn't care. he'll take from people whatever he wants. he'll enjoy the act of feeding. which also goes hand in hand with the kind of pseudo cannibalism that tma had going on when jon was feeding on people's statements. the dangers of consumption. consuming another person and their fear. scarring them for the rest of their life. is it really so bad to feed and be healthy? jon didn't want to stop, not really. he felt bad, sure. but. it feels bad at first and then it doesn't. maybe, he only needed one more person to take the leap into a never-ending hunger. i wanted to see that.

so much potential here! jonelias on their knees for each other. jon is kneeling so that he can be praised, worshipped, loved for his monstrosity, not despite. elias is kneeling because jon is the closest thing he will ever get to god and he is beautiful and one day, he'll bring the beauty in fear out of the dark and everyone will see.

[naenaex0xx]

maybe I'm comfortable with tumblr because I get to say things I don't usually tell anyone

[quevadilla]

got angst on the mind today y'all,,,,,

steddie angst below the cut

okokok so someone has probably already written this BUT

what if Eddie never tried to be a hero? never left that trailer in the upside down, never left dustin alone, etc. they both survive (I'm going with vecna was defeated so without someone controlling them they drop dead all at the same time)

but there's a frantic call on the walkie coming from Nancy

Steve is taken down somehow. Weak and still breathing, still has a pulse, but her and Robin need help moving him

Eddie and Dustin make it over as fast as possible

Eddie barely managed to get Steve out from under a near hysterical Robin. Steve is in and out of coherency, it seems like he took another hit to his head.

Eddie just keeps talking in an effort to keep him awake until they can get him to a hospital, to keep from breaking down himself.

"You know, never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I'd have Steve Harrington in my arms like this."

"You dreamin' about me, Munson?" Steve slurs back. He has the ghost of a smile on his face.

The frightened tears Eddie's been successfully keeping at bay so far suddenly threaten to spill. "Yeah, and I'll tell you all about it later, you just gotta stay with us, alright? Promise." His voice is shaking. He can feel Steve start to go further limp against his chest.

Steve hums as his eyes start to flutter closed. "'M gonna hold you to that."

Eddie tries to jostle him back to full consciousness. "Steve? You gotta stay awake, man, okay? Steve, you hear me?" Eddie loons down only to find Steve's face has gone totally slack; he can't tell if he's even breathing.

Goddamnit, Steve. Eddie breaks out running towards the gate that's finally in sight, grateful for the adrenaline still coursing through him. He'll be damned if Steve doesn't make it back, even at his own expense.

[moonlit-orchid]

When your friend needs you to be there to comfort them, but you have no energy for serious conversations and so you're stuck wondering if youre being a selfish asshole or if youre justified in not wanting to be the one to sort their problems out

[vse-kar-vem]

why are we having queerbaiting discourse as a fandom in the year of our lord 2024 😭😭 we're just as bad as twitter oh my god

[upsidedowngrass]

im thinking abt liam and bryce SO much rn now. theyre dynamic is so. sorry liam. sorry bryce

[selamat-linting]

not to tread on really gossipy dirt sheet stuff but the reason why nia jax's matches always got low ratings is partly not just because of her lack of in-ring skills and bad safety record, its because she once yelled at the wrestling reviewer guy for speculating that roman's (one of her relatives btw) cancer was mild. like, she told him to shut the fuck up for spreading misinformation, and even if the info is true, the reporter was doing a hipaa violation for leaking details of roman's medical issues. like, she might be improving now and might even get better later on, but she'll forever get that smear on her name because the number one reviewer in wrestling is a nosy piece of shit who leaked the cause of death of that joshi chick who died of suicide. also nia's break was mental health related which she requested first, not because she refused vaccination. she is still an antivaxx tho. this is a case of everyone being an asshole but. i legit believed half of the nastiness of the wrestling fandom came from that reporter and the people who trust his opinions willy nilly.

[faineant-girl]

i wish all addicts, in recovery or not, a life free of sorrow forever

[barnabybrainrot]

—-

[rohirric-hunter]

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[coffee-bat]

hi not to vent again but you ever been so overwhelmingly injured that you actually feel like crying

[bostonbakeddeans]

my husband wants me to workshop some world building for his new campaign with him and im honestly being so brave about it

[yourcalamity]

im about to have such a potent opportunity to disappear into the woods forever it itches

[kaikree]

something that isn't talked about much when it comes to healing yourself is that it might end up killing relationships (both romantic and platonic)

and i don't mean that in a way that should dissuade anyone from trying to heal. i mean you are where you are, on a path to try and get better, to do right by yourself and take care of the child inside you and nurture the things that have been hurt and sometimes you look around and realize that the people that you used to stand beside are a half-mile back on the track, so far that you can barely see them

and you want them to be with you still. you know that if they can get themselves up this hill with you that they'll feel better. things can get better and it's hard but you're up here climbing a hill, you know that it's possible and they can do it too! they can climb the hill with you and look out at this great view

but

you can't move their legs for them. and no matter how you wave or cajole or promise that it's not as hard once you get into it, they will not move from where they are. and you can sit there and try to talk to them from afar, but the healthier you get the harder it is to yell back to where they're standing.

sometimes there comes a point that you have to turn around completely because the path they want to stay on will only leash you back to a lower point. and that's... not actually your fault.

and yeah that can get so very frustrating. there have been times in my life where while talking to friends who were in bad spirals i would get frustrated b/c no matter what i said or did it seemed like they were hellbent on staying exactly where they were no matter how much they hated it or how much it hurt them. i could sit down and walk with them through resources and venting sessions and so many ways to to get out of the place they were in and it just... repeated. in a cycle. at some point i had to come to terms with the fact that you can't help someone who refuses to take the first step to help themselves and sometimes sticking around someone like that is only going to keep you tethered to that mental state.