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maybe this a strange thing to get hung up on but like. I can’t be the only one who subconsciously texts my friends a bit more professionally after writing a long email to my professor. Or whose internal monologue temporarily changes to sound like that YouTuber I just binged for 3 hours. Or who acts a little more excited and dramatic after watching an action movie. It’s normal to pick up patterns from other people and situations, right?? Why do my friends act so surpised when I start acting more like them, or tell me I “shouldn’t change who I am”? Like buddy. In NO social interaction am I presenting the Real Me. And besides that, you’re an important part of my life—why would it be so weird to be influenced by you? I don’t like being thought of as Weird or Not Genuine just because I do something differently from your previous expectations of me.
#personal#tbh most of the comments I get abt this are observations (like “when did you pick up that phrase??”) not judgy#but what really got me into this line of thinking was a comment from a friend about a year-ish ago?#she told me “you act so weird when you’re around [mutual friend of ours]. It’s like your whole personality changes.”#and I said “haha yeah well you two are pretty different from each other and I guess I tend to subconsciously act like the people I’m around#and she was like “yeah ik what you mean. I try not to do that”#which now that I write it… she technically said nothing about me#anyway I just. idk. so much of my comfort in social situations stems from being able to act like a part of the community#which I assumed meant act similar to them. but after that exchange it felt like it was more about what they already expected of me#which is absolutely terrifying because I can’t read their minds and CANNOT KNOW what expectations they have#I should probably get over that convo from a year ago like ik most people don’t think that way#but it really worsened my anxiety#anyway thx for reading now please forget I ever posted this#ramblings
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Imprint- Werewolf Bakugo x Fem! Reader Pt 1
A/N: I wrote this for @chaoticyuna and her summerween event which can be found here …this probably will be a multipart series…
WC: 1.7k
Warnings: None really this part is pretty SFW
There were always stories about your college UA. The ghosts that moaned and haunted the hallways, the skeletons they found buried deep beneath the school, the vampires that roamed openly on campus at night. None were ever as exaggerated as the tale of the werewolf that runs through the forest at night.
Of course, you didn’t believe any of this. The closest thing to ghosts or vampires were the pale-faced, sleep-deprived students you attended the school with. The fact that wolves even lived in the forest around the school seemed absurd. So when you started your first year at UA, the seniors would try to scare the freshmen.
You never gave in nor did you believe the stories. So when you decided to join a sorority, of course your initiation was to spend a night in the forest. Honestly, it was pathetic that so many gave into the stories like this. You refused to do such an act and were not accepted into the Sorority.
You tried again with another sorority that seemed to align with your ideals concerning the “supernatural” existence of beings. Your initiation was similar to the other sorority, only you had to go to the forest on a full moon and spend the whole night there. To you it wasn’t anything, you’d been camping many times with your family since you were little. One night wouldn’t hurt.
So you packed your sleeping bag, a few snacks, water, and some extra clothes. The warmth of the fall day gave false hope. You had checked the weather and made sure that it wasn’t going to be raining that night or extraordinarily cold. Everything seemed to have been perfect.
After dinner, you took your stuff and ventured off into the forest. You found a nice clearing not too long after the sun had just set, just before it became too dark to see. You set up camp, built a fire, and let your thoughts take you wherever they pleased while looking under the starry sky. You had drifted off to sleep fairly quickly.
A few hours later, you were awoken by the sound of a low growl of a wolf. The sound meant danger, and even in your half-sleeping state, you knew something was wrong. You quietly, and quickly tried to pack your things without attracting too much attention, you backed up slowly and felt yourself press up against something soft. You held your breath as you slowly turned to face a massive carmel colored wolf with red eyes. The last thought you had before everything turned cold and dark was, ‘I am going to die here, but why does he look sort of humane?’
You woke up just after the sun rose, in a cold sweat. Unsure if you dreamt of the giant wolf, or if it really happened. You argued with yourself while you packed up your things, but a feeling of uneasiness settled over you, almost as if you were being watched. You shook it off and chalked it up to your imagination. You walked back to the sorority house and reported your finding of nothing.
The next two weeks passed quickly, without much of anything happening. You were part of the Sorority, participating in house parties, thinking of charity events, and of course school. It was almost two months into school when you got a new student in your business marketing class, which was normally not a thing that happened often. When he entered the room all the girls in class stared at him. He oozed confidence and cockiness. Whispers were murmured amongst the girls.
When you looked up to see the commotion, you saw him walking toward you. Something about his stance and aura made you not want to make eye contact with him.
“Is this seat taken?” He asked you gruffly while pointing to the one directly next to you. You shook your head no, and kept your head down and gaze averted.
“I’m Katsuki Bakugo.” He told you while holding his hand out to you. You really wanted to look at him, but everything inside you screamed not to. You ignored him as best as you could, but your interaction made the whole classroom whisper again.
“Alright, everyone settle down. Today’s assignment and your homework is to create a business model that you think would have sustainable growth in a five year model. You will be working with a partner. You have two weeks to complete this and present it to the class.” You swore you saw all the girls' eyes glued to Bakugo as the professor spoke.
“Bakugo, since you’re new to this class, I will let you pick your partner first.” The Professor said, but all the girls sat up a little straighter trying to get Bakugo’s attention. “I advise you though, that just because you are starting so late, I won’t make any excuse for you not to get your work done. You have quite a bit to catch up on.” He continued.
You saw Bakugo give a sly grin when the Professor said this. He nodded his head curtly.
“I choose Y/N as my partner for this assignment.” Bakugo spoke aloud, and you saw all the girls in the room deflate a little bit. You didn’t know Bakugo so how did he know you? You thought to yourself. When you looked at him after he spoke, for the first time since he entered the room, something about him seemed so familiar. His eyes softened a bit as you looked at one another before he tore his eyes away from you. You felt his whole mood shift from confident to anger. You couldn’t explain it, but you knew something was off with Bakugo.
After everyone was partnered up, and you heard a few quips from the other females about how unfair it was that Bakugo picked you, the two of you were set off to work. As uncomfortable as Bakugo seemed with you, or the classroom, he had a lot of ideas for the assignment. Just before class the two of you exchanged numbers and planned to meet at the library tomorrow night.
Every other night you and Bakugo spent time at the library together until close. He always seemed very tense when around you, and you thought perhaps, it was just your personality that he didn’t like. He’d walk you to your dorm or sorority house when needed. The night before your presentation to the class, you were supposed to meet him, but he never showed up.
You walked around the school looking for him. You caught up with one of his friends Kirishima, who told you that Bakugo wasn’t feeling well. You thanked Kirishima, and gave him a message for Bakugo. You noticed that it was a full moon, and a cool fall night. You walked toward the forest where you felt most at peace. As you felt the cool crisp air biting at your cheeks, and feel your troubles melt away, you walked aimlessly.
Suddenly, you were in the darkest part of the forest, where very little moonlight filtered through the trees. You felt that uneasiness once again, and realized you were lost. Behind you, you heard a branch crack and break. Your heartbeat raced and you realized that you heard a low, warning growl from a wolf. This time you knew you weren’t dreaming.
In front of you was a snarling shadow with the bluest eyes you’d ever seen. You were shaking from adrenaline and while you should have ran away, you heard the gruffest, “Don’t Move” inside your head. So you obeyed. From above you lept a lighter colored wolf, who placed himself in front of you.
The two snarled at one another for a bit, but seemed to be communicating somehow. The sight was incredible and unbelievable. When the other wolf left without your legs gave out and you fainted once again.
When you woke you were surrounded with the feeling of warm fur, and the smell of carmel that pulled you back into sleep. You didn’t dream of anything more, but hours later you woke up in a fit, and inside your dorm. When you exited your dorm to rush to class, you were greeted by Bakugo.
“Hey, Y/N. Are you okay?” You eyed him suspiciously, he wasn’t as tense as he normally was.
“I am fine. I’ve just had nightmares as of late.” You snapped at him.
“Alright.” He said nonchalantly. The truth was you had a million questions for him, but you knew you couldn’t ask him.
“I meant, last night, I found you passed out in front of your dorm when I was walking back from the store.” He told you. You opened your mouth and then closed it.
“You know what? I don’t need this fake sympathy from you. Let’s do this stupid presentation and then we will never have to speak again.” You shouted at him.
He fell behind you as you walked as quickly as you could to the classroom. You both gave your presentation and ignored Bakugo as best as you could for the rest of class.
After class, you were the first one out and ran straight back to your dorm. You turned off your phone and fell asleep for the rest of the day. Your dorm mates Momo, Mina, and Ochako came and went. Mina, whom you shared a room with, asked you if you wanted to join them. You told her no, and she knew that sometimes all you needed was space, gave you a head pat and left.
When they all left you were able to sleep again and at one point you swore you heard a knock at the door, but ignored it and everyone for the rest of the day. When you turned your phone on the next day, you saw the 5 missed phone calls from Bakugo. You were angry looking at that. The long apologetic text message didn’t seem to help either, nor did the box of Flamin’ hot Cheetos, which you assumed was Mina. However, you spotted the little note scribbled on top from Bakugo, you sat down angrily on the couch in the common area between your room and the other one, and ate the chips angrily. You were determined to ignore Bakugo for as long as possible.
#college au#Supernatural au#summerween event#bnha bakugou#bnha bakugo x reader#bnha x you#bnha bakugo katsuki#bakugo x reader#werewolf bakugou#werewolf bakugo x you#mha bakugo x reader#mha bakugou#mha katsuki
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Temporary
characters: sano manjiro (mikey) + gn! reader
genre: angst
warnings: swearing
It didn’t take a genius to notice.
At first, you figured it was simply because of work; busy work amongst the members that he had to deal with, taking up all his free time. You understood what it meant to be the leader of such a prestigious gang - if one could call it as such - so you didn’t think much of it.
“Did everything go okay today?”
“Yeah”
It was strange, to say the least, seeing him so quiet as you greeted him into your home. Having not seen him in a few days, you figured this would be a perfect opportunity to get together, one Wednesday afternoon you thought he would be free.
Of course, he had answered your text with an ‘okay’ to your suggestion; as a result, you were surprised to see him in such a glum mood.
That afternoon he had sat with you, but it felt as though the two of you were miles apart. Only a few words were exchanged, and you knew, without a doubt, that something wasn’t right.
Days passed on, and you tried to leave him some space. You knew well how much Mikey could get overwhelmed with life’s troubles, so you figured it was best to leave him sort them out before trying to intervene. The last thing you wanted was to make matters worse, after all, so you trusted it was the right decision.
Unfortunately, this ended up spanning into a week without knowing anything about him.
As it got to the 7th day, you couldn’t stop yourself from calling him. Grabbing your own, you clicked on his profile, a picture of the two of you showing up as you did.
What if something had happened to him?
Listening to the ringing tone by your ear, your mind drifted off into all the possibilities; despite knowing how your boyfriend was, you still worried for him. More than he could ever even imagine, frankly.
After a few seconds, you reckoned he wasn’t going to pick up. You couldn’t even begin to think of why, your legs taking you out into the streets of Tokyo as you hurried to the place you could only think he would be.
Near the riverbed.
Luckily, your house wasn't located too far from the spot where you had spent countless evenings throughout your relationship. It always seemed to bring Mikey a sense of serenity, watching the water flow by as he would rest on the grassy hill. Truthfully, you weren't entirely sure you'd find him there, but it was a place to start searching for him, at least.
Rounding the corner of the final block, you spotted a sitting figure. By the flowing, black jacket that was hung on the person's back, you recognised them immediately - unless another Toman member had decided to get a very similar haircut to your boyfriend, that is.
You were relieved, glad to know that you weren't going to have to search for him or even ask around for his whereabouts. And as far as you could tell, he didn't seem to be injured or in any bad state. Letting your chest heave out a deep breath from running just seconds earlier, you slowed down your pace to approach him.
He was silent. No surprise, seeing as he was alone, but as you got closer you could tell that he was far from being in a happy mood. The way his eyes were locked onto the distant view of the city made it clear that he was deep in though, and seeing as he wasn't accompanied by anyone, it would seem that he had come here to be alone with his thoughts.
A sense of pity filled your senses, and all you wanted to do was console him. But you knew that would be of no way to come up to him, so you stopped a few metres away from him, hoping he had already sensed your presence, so as to not startle him.
"...Manjiro?"
Addressing him by his first name, you remained still in your position. By his slow reaction, you assumed he had known you were there, but had chosen to ignore your presence until you spoke up.
He looked up at you with what could only be described as an empty stare. It worried you, seeing him look at you with such dull eyes, but you stood silent, waiting for him to speak up on his behalf.
"Why are you here?"
Far from what you had expected as the first words he aimed at you after a week's worth of disappearance, you sucked in a breath. Was this really his reaction upon seeing you after such a time period? And if you hadn't come, would he have continued to act as if you held no place in his life?
"I wanted to make sure you were doing okay...You haven't come over for a week, so I was starting to worry and-"
"It was for your own good"
Upon his interruption, you knitted your eyebrows together, a prominently confused look on your face.
"What?"
Mikey blinked away from you, looking instead towards whatever was behind you. He was avoiding eye contact with you, and that was the last thing you needed when you were trying to understand him. His distance had been a clear sign that something was wrong, and now he couldn't even bare to look straight at you.
"Things have been getting complicated as of late, and I didn't want to bother you with all of that"
Now that you had a closer look at him, you could see that he wasn't in the same shape he was always in. His right arm, which had been out of your sight until you stopped before him, showed a series of dark bruises, and a nasty cut was split by his top lip, clearly caused recently by the bright, red tones that made up the injury.
That wasn't to mention his ripped attire. Strewn across the sleeves and even the front piece, they looked to be a consequence from a knife, tearing the fabric in an attempt to reach him instead.
"Mikey, you know you would never bother me with any of this, you should've come to my house, I would've helped you"
With a shake of his head, the blond strands that you so loved to run your fingers through moved in sync with his movements.
"No, Y/N. Shit gets ugly after a fight, and the last thing I want is for you to see me like that. Can't you just be patient for a little longer?"
His tone was starting to sound aggravated, and you hadn't the faintest ideas as to why. All you had done was come up to him to ask about his wellbeing, and yet he was adamant in pushing you away.
"Patient? Mikey, I've been worried sick this past week, not knowing where you've been or what you've been doing. All I've gotten are ignored calls and messages, do you really expect me to just be alright with that?"
He had turned to look back at the river by now, listening to you but with what seemed to be very little interest. It was as if you were speaking to a wall, and you were starting to get worried that this wasn't going to end well.
The fact he didn't trust you enough to continue to be at his side when at his lowest point was giving you clear signs that something wasn't going right in the relationship. He had helped you countless times when you needed him, so how come he didn't allow himself to seek out your help in such times?
The silence between the two of you was heart wrenching.
"Manjiro? Are you even listening to me?"
Shoulders lifting, he closed his eyes momentarily before turning fully towards you.
"Y/N, I'm just fucking afraid you'll end up seeing me the way I see myself. It's not all sunshine and smiles, but I don't want you to see that because I know damn well you'll leave me if I show up to your house looking like this"
So he didn't.
He didn't believe he could count on you when he was going through tough moments. He truly thought you were so empty-hearted that you would leave him for something you knew right from the start could happen. Hell, you knew before even dating that he could show up busted and bloodied out of the blue.
And yet he had convinced himself that, somehow, you would ditch him because of it.
He had created a distance between the two of you, one that you had never thought even existed. On your behalf, such a gap had never even come to mind, but it seemed his just continued to grow.
"I would never leave you for something like that, Mikey...why would you even think of that? I love you for everything that you are, no matter the state you come home in"
"Don't lie to yourself, Y/N. I know what kind of person I can be, and it's far from something one would want to be with. I'm a worthless idiot who spends his days fighting endlessly without a clear objective...what if I end up doing the same to you?"
"Mikey, don't say that, you know-"
"No, I fucking don't, okay? Every damn day I'm scared that I could turn on everything that I know and love, and I don't want you to go through that"
You could feel a knot in your stomach as you took in his words, each one hurting more that the last. Why would he speak about himself like that? You knew he didn't have an easy life but, turn on everyone? That was far from the reality.
"But-"
"Look, I'm not dealing with this, now or ever. If it bothers you that much, you can leave. I'm not going to put you in any sort of danger, so if you see that as negligence, I don't see us getting any further than this"
That's how he felt.
That's how he felt about the relationship; something to be brushed off so easily in a matter of a few words.
Just a temporary circumstance.
#tokyo revengers#tokyo revengers mikey#tokyo revengers x reader#sano manjiro#mikey x reader#manjiro x reader#angst#tokyo revengers scenarios#tokrev
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genshin boys valentine’s headcanons!
figured i’d be at least a little festive. these are kind of long so sorry sdkfsdfsd gonna put a read more. implied spice but not graphic - and i’m pretty sure i for once in my life kept it gender neutral so go me
these were kind of hard to do since i dont do hc’s really, i make fics and yall can for sure tell where i started to struggle skfsdfsd
they are also on ao3 so do not be alarmed
Diluc:
He’d be acting like he didn’t give a shit about valentine’s day but this mf is a softie
Thinking he didn’t care, you’d offer to just stay in for the day or something
Honestly as long as it was just the two of you, you don’t really care
“What? No, we’re going out to dinner. I already planned it.”
You were really surprised, since he hadn’t voiced an opinion on the holiday before
To him this year was different - you were married, so he assumes it should be a bigger deal
You dressed up in your favorite outfit and met him at Angel’s Share later that day and you swear you saw his jaw drop to the floor
He regained his composure before he could tease you about it, taking you to dinner as promised
He held your hand from across the table and listened to you ramble about whatever
You’d try to ask him things, but he’d shake you off, not wanting to talk about himself
Nothing was out of the ordinary, just a normal dinner
Until the walk home, when he pulled out a present for you
“I had this made for you.”
A necklace made out of a Crystal core, melted into the Pyro symbol like his vision
You started to get weepy as he put it on, pressing a kiss to your temple and wrapping his arms around your middle to embrace you
You turned back around to kiss him on the lips
After that he couldn’t get you home fast enough
You thanked the archons that everyone else at the WInery was home for the night
Namely because he fucked you right against the door once you got him
And on the reception desk
….. And the table
Kaeya:
Listen, this man dotes on you
We all know Kaeya is the romantic type to the max so this is his day
He wakes you up by kissing up your body and making you orgasm
After that, he has to go in and work for a little bit
You don’t really mind, he gave you a bag of Mora and told you to buy something nice because he’s taking you to Liyue for a few days
He plans on celebrating for days, apparently
“We have a lot to celebrate, don’t we? It’s been quite a year.”
Well, he wasn’t wrong about that
When you get to Liyue, immediately your taken out to dinner and told to order anything you wanted
You almost feel bad when you glance at the bill, saying it's not fair he did everything when it was supposed to be for both of you.
Later on that night, you and Kaeya walked around Liyue harbor together
“You didn’t have to do all this for me - really.”
He looked at you like you were crazy and smirked
“But I did.”
Imagine the look on your face when he got down on one knee
After you stopped crying, you somehow managed a yes
Once you get back to where you were staying, he was on you
Except now it’s time for you to show him how you feel
He doesn’t complain when you do
The reminder of your days in Liyue are spent in a similar fashion: eating and fucking
Childe:
He has it planned down to the second
When you woke up he was gone, making you upset
But when you walked out of the bedroom and saw the dozens of roses, all was forgiven
He left you a note, saying he’d be back shortly but to get ready to go out.
Once he was home, he found you and immediately embraced you
He was always one to shower you in compliments to begin with but today he was extra complimenting on everything about you
He planned the entire day around your favorite things to do, from going to the tea shop and to the bookstore
You tried to fit in something he liked to do, but he fought you
“I’m happy seeing you happy, you know that!”
God damn it, he made your heart melt
You got home that night and he cooked for you
And it was actually really, really good
He got you a few presents too, of course
Custom made jewelry, of course
You fell asleep on him that night, with his arms wrapped around you and your head on his chest
You had been cuddling for what felt like hours, exchanging loving kisses between conversation
You didn’t miss how he said he couldn’t wait till next year
Xiao:
Thinks that it’s incredibly dumb
“It’s a waste of time” he says
You get visibly sad, thinking now that you’re not gonna do anything for the whole day
You were gonna make him his favorite and everything, as a surprise
Now you’re just sad
Oh fuck oh fuck why are you upset red alert Xiao -
He asks Zhongli for advice, which isn’t any fucking good cause he tells him to show you how much he loves you
How the fuck does he do that?
He doesn’t know
He settles for trying to comfort you in his own way, cuddling with you and apologizing for being an ass
You accept, and offer to make Almond Tofu for the two of you, but he says he’ll make it instead
It isn’t very good, but the thought is what matters
He tried and that was enough for you
After dinner he gets very touchy
That damn Harbinger was with Zhongli, he mentioned this is also something women like
He wasn’t too keen to believe him, but the way you moaned just now made his dick twitch
The rest of the night he shows you just how much he really loves you
Albedo:
You didn’t think he knew that Valentine’s Day existed, honestly
Imagine your surprise when he woke you up with flowers, and saying he took the day off
…. But that you needed to go out for work first
You didn’t argue, he hardly ever took time off, so you’d go with him to get his supplies
Even if that meant you’d fucking freeze in Dragonspire
Once you got to his workstation in the mountain, he suggested a way to warm you up
Your heart skipped a beat, until he pulled out a warming potion
“What’s wrong? Drink it and you can be warm again.”
You drank it, and then explained what you had thought he meant
He laughed in your face, of course
“Don’t worry, that will come… after dinner.”
Now you were fidgeting with anticipation the rest of the damn night
(that was also something that didn’t happen to often, damn workaholic)
He started to notice at Angel’s Share, but you blamed it on the Dandelion Wine
He saw right through you, but of course made it up later that night
Right before you were about to go to sleep, you felt him slip something on your finger
It was a ring - obviously handmade. It glowed a pretty yellow color, much like his vision
“Happy Valentine’s, my love.”
Zhongli:
He doesn’t quite understand what the big deal is
“Why is there a day dedicated to love? I say it everyday, right?”
He thinks it's just a consumer-made holiday
Which it is, obviously
But god damn it you just want your boyfriend to treat you to fucking dinner
Even if it’s just Grilled Tiger Fish, that would suffice considering the former Archon never remembers his damn Mora
You thought you had died when he walked you into the finest restaurant in Liyue
You refused to order until you had proof he had Mora on him
He agreed with a laugh and showed you that he had plenty
He had arranged the table himself, apparently, moving both chairs next to each other
This was so he could hold you throughout the evening, make sure you were okay
And whisper raunchy things into your ear while you tried to watch the entertainment like everyone else
For someone who didn’t understand the hype he was feeding into it quite a bit
He may be ancient, but he still had game
By the time you were done, your thighs were red from you rubbing them together
You tried to make it into the bedroom, but he was quicker than you were
He called the rest of the night getting his Mora’s worth
Scaramouche:
“You’re kidding me? You care about that?”
You should have known that would be the reaction, honestly
After begging hard enough, he agrees to dinner
You claim he gave in, he claims he was going to do it anyway
(he gave in)
He spent almost the whole time irritated that everyone was lovey-dovey
“Scara, that’s how it is today. We look like the odd ones out.”
He couldn’t have any of that, so he moved his chair next to yours and ate with one arm around your shoulder the rest of the time
You dragged him around to do things that you saw other couples doing
You know, like holding hands and going for walks, eating some street food
Couple things
He was quiet for most of the night, humoring you
You saw a nice necklace that you wanted while you were walking, but was offput by the price
They wanted how much Mora for that?!
You were eating a snack when Scaramouche walked away, saying he’d be back
A few minutes later, he clasped the necklace around your neck
“I don’t want to hear it. Isn’t that the whole point of the holiday? Buying shit for your partner?”
You tried to tell him it wasn’t just that, but he shut you up with some kisses
When you got home, he shut you up with more than just kisses
“This is what I was looking forward to today.”
#diluc x reader#diluc ragnvindr x reader#kaeya x reader#kaeya alberich x reader#childe x reader#tartagila x reader#zhongli x reader#albedo x reader#scaramouche x reader#xiao x reader
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Faith, Buffy, Dreams, and Secret Kisses
This is one of my favourite scenes in the series. Partially because it’s just my personal jam - I admit that I am Fuffy trash, and I have a real love for dream sequences. Buffy had great dream sequences, but this is where they take a step up. It’s a precursor to Restless in this regard and others. It feels weighty and meaningful, but also a little off and incongruent with itself, in that way that only dreams are. Lines are exchanged that don’t quite follow as direct responses to each other, clashing in interesting ways. It’s packed with foreshadowing, metaphor, and other juicy things. And beyond that, it’s a conclusion to Buffy’s entire arc this season about dealing with her shadow self, and it leads to what I think is the single most romantic moment in the series. I want to talk about this scene and unpack some of what I think it’s saying.
First of all, let’s talk about the setting. We’re in Faith’s apartment, bought for her by the Mayor. Essentially, the villain’s lair, where the two Big Bads plotted their evil plans against our hero. But it’s also a set where we saw most of the bonding and semi-familial love between Faith and the Mayor. A place of both evil and love. And for Buffy, a place of trauma. This is where she makes the decision and takes the action to kill another human. I don’t think she was unjustified in doing so, but it’s still an immensely traumatic act for her, and I think she loses a little part of herself when she does it. The location is very much a reflection of Faith, and Buffy’s relationship to her. I don’t think Buffy loves Faith romantically at this point, but I think she cares about her, and remains concerned about her, and I think it’s fair to call that a kind of love. Faith is also evil, a figure of betrayal but also temptation to the “dark side”. And she is also a figure of trauma, clear deep-seated trauma that she fails to resolve, and just gets worse over the course of the season. Buffy is essentially inside her own relationship to Faith, inside a stadium of sin, trauma, love, and shattered glass. Faith looks out of the broken window that they fought through, and we are reminded that their relationship too is broken, unrepaired, littered with the detritus of conflict. There’s no going back from this - even in dreams that window remains broken, and their relationship will always have this damage.
The props too are an interesting choice. TPN’s video on Graduation Day pointed out the painting of a giant snake with a man’s head on the wall. More conflicting feelings here - the Mayor is Faith’s closest connection to humanity and love right now, and also the reason for her betrayal of Buffy. Her redemption and damnation. We also see boxes of various things piled up - including the crossbow that Faith stole in Bad Girls. The image of packing up a room into boxes makes me think of moving away as a student. We must remember that Buffy is graduating today, on the verge of packing her life away and taking it somewhere else, and this reminds us of that.
The first thing of real substance we see is the cat, which jumps up on Faith’s bed. This is one of the aspects of this dream in direct conversation with Restless, where a cat symbolises the Slayer - a specifically feminine, solitary predator that stalks the night. In Restless, we cut to Miss Kitty stalking the camera from shots of the First slayer stalking Willow. Here though, the intercut images are between the cat and Faith, lying bruised and helpless in a hospital. The cat (and the Slayer) is, as far as Buffy is concerned, not a danger but a creature in need of help.
Buffy: "Who's going to look after him?" Faith: "It's a she. And aren't these things supposed to take care of themselves?"
They’re very clearly talking about their respective approaches to slaying, and to life in general. Buffy tries to encourage ties to humanity, telling Faith back in Revelations that she is on Faith’s side. Faith retorts that she alone is on her side, and she repeats that sentiment here. But Buffy is obviously proved right - Faith is lying almost dead because she rejected all help and care.
Buffy: "A higher power guiding us?" Faith: "I'm pretty sure that's not what I meant."
If the cat is the Slayer in this conversation, then the “higher power guiding us” could refer to the Watchers. It makes sense that Buffy delivers this line with a little wry smile, given that she’s just resigned herself from the Council. This allows a little bit of ambiguity in their debate - Buffy has taken on a little bit of Faith’s advice in emancipating herself and so making herself as the Slayer more self-reliant. The show agrees that that too is the right move. A little independence is good and healthy. What Faith means when she talks about “taking care of herself” is not self-reliance or independence, but emotional hardness and self-marooning to avoid hurt. This is something that Buffy will continue to struggle with for the rest of the series. Faith is kind of right when she states that the Slayer is alone and must take care of herself, and it’s up to Buffy to find a healthy way of dealing with that.
"Oh yeah. Miles to go - Little Miss Muffet counting down from 7-3-0.”
The scene shifts a little, and we get some foreshadowing for Dawn (Little Miss Muffet), and for Buffy’s death (730 days from now). This is done with the the lighting too, as Faith faces the camera, and the light of the dawn hits her face, in a shot extremely similar to the end of The Gift.
Interestingly, Faith is repeatedly used in this way. In This Year’s Girl, Faith talks about “little sis coming” as she and Buffy make the bed in her first dream. In Restless, that scene gets a callback (”Faith and I just made that bed”), in a scene that ends with the most anvilicious foreshadowing (”Be back before dawn”), as well as a callback to the 7-3-0 line (”Oh, that clock’s all wrong”). In Graduation Day, Faith refers to Buffy as being “dressed up in big sister’s clothes”, however to me Faith has always felt more as being the “little sister” in this relationship. She looks up to Buffy yet is also deeply jealous of her. She wants to be Buffy, to have her friends, her life, the love of her mother. She’s kind of a precursor to Dawn in this respect, so it makes sense that she’s a prophet for her coming.
Slayers having prophetic dreams is well-established, so it makes sense that a dream shared by two slayers would allow them to prophesise a little further ahead in time. Faith hints at this, remarking "Sorry, it's my head. A lot of new stuff.". You have to wonder what other “new stuff” Faith is becoming aware of. Perhaps a new perspective on everything Buffy’s been saying all season. Sharing a mind temporarily is often helpful in seeing another’s point of view. Faith does seem unusually thoughtful as she looks out of the broken window and remarks "They are never going to fix this, are they?".
This is perhaps my favourite line in the scene. It’s a slight mislead, as it comes right as we get a flash of the cat-as-Faith in the foreground. So we assume it’s a reference to her own injuries, which she is expected to never recover from.
But the Faith that’s talking isn’t looking at her own body. She’s looking at the broken window. The symbol for her broken relationship with Buffy. She has become us, the audience, looking at Buffy and Faith and saying “boy, those crazy kids really are never going to work it out, are they?”. It’s true for Faith, it’s true for Faith&Buffy, and it’s true for Buffy herself. When that knife entered Faith’s gut, all three were irrevocably changed forever. You can never put back the life you had before after it’s broken like that. All you can do is take what you can work with, and try to make something new.
Buffy: "What about you?" Faith: "Scar tissue. It fades. It all fades." Buffy confirms that the previous line was not about Faith specifically by asking “what about you”, in a lovely expression of concern. After everything, Buffy does still care about Faith. Faith’s reply of “scar tissue” is an obvious reference to the literal wound she is now carrying (emphasised by the shot of the knife that Buffy sees afterwards), but it’s interesting that she gestures to her face when she says this. It feels like a reference to her entire self. If we accept Faith as Buffy’s shadow self, then “scar tissue” is an accurate description of her. As Buffy herself says, Faith is who she could be if her life was worse (or, perhaps, who she would be if she allowed the tragedies of her life to rule her). She is the part of Buffy’s unconscious self that is revealed after receiving violence. She is the physical proof of trauma. The self that remains after pain.
Buffy: “Is this your mind or mine?” Again, hitting that note of symbiosis; emphasising how inextricably tied these two characters are. The lines between their psyches are blurred to the point of no longer existing. This is such an intimate moment, almost sexual, with Buffy and Faith unable to tell where their own mind ends and another begins. Imagine the intimacy of that - entering another’s mental space and allowing them into yours, so wholly that they become one and the same. It becomes a mutual recognition of unity and shared pain, and an affirmation of the eternal divisions between them.
I love the ambiguity of the “human weakness” line too. One way we are invited to read it is that Faith is doing a heel-face turn, and intentionally giving Buffy the means to defeat the Mayor. But we’re not allowed anything that easy, to wash away Faith’s sins with a quick redemption before the climax. Faith has miles to go before she can achieve that. It’s just as likely that Faith is talking about herself, and the human weakness that led her down a dark path, or that Buffy is talking about Faith through the Faith in her head, or Buffy is just working it out on her own, etc, etc. This is the information that saves the world, and I like that it remains an unknown. A permanent “maybe”, just as Buffy and Faith’s relationship is.
Buffy: "How are you going to fit all this stuff?" Faith: "Not gonna. It's yours." Buffy: "I can't use all of this!" Faith: "Just take what you need. You're ready?"
As the scene reaches its climax, we see the most obvious recitation of the season’s themes. S3 is about Buffy coming into conflict with her own shadow self, and here the show tells us how she does that - by taking what she needs. I mentioned earlier that we saw the crossbow from Bad Girls, from the “want/take/have” scene. Here, Faith is telling her the same thing, but in a more healthy way. She cannot just hedonistically consume everything like a crazed id-monster, but she also cannot deny herself things that she needs.
Most importantly, the “stuff” they are referring to is Faith’s, but as Faith says, it’s also Buffy’s. Everything that Faith is, Buffy is too, because she is her shadow self. Buffy must recognise this, accept it, and incorporate the shadow self into her own identity. She cannot be consumed by the shadow self and simply become Faith, allowing her shadow to consume her conscious personality (”how are you going to fit all this stuff?”). Instead she must recognise her dark mirror, and take the healthy parts, and integrate them into herself as an individual (”take what you need”).
It is at this point of healing and merging between Buffy’s self and shadow self that Faith reaches out, almost touches her in an action that feels so tender, and Buffy becomes conscious. She literally becomes her conscious self by making peace with her dream (unconscious self). She stands up, and walks over to Faith’s bed. This is the moment that their relationship all season has been leading to. She leans over, and places a kiss on her forehead.
This kiss is everything. It’s an act of thanks, as Buffy realises Faith may have given her what she needs to save the day (at the cost of Faith’s one familial figure). It is an act of service, as Buffy literally gives Faith the kiss she asked for when they started to fight in Graduation Day. It could also be an act of forgiveness. We know from I Only Have Eyes For You that forgiveness, Buffy learns, is done not because somebody deserves it, but because they need it. Faith at this point probably does not deserve it, does not want forgiveness (she wants to be punished), nor can she recognise it in her current state, but Buffy gives it anyway, adding another layer of heartbreak. It is given not for any purpose, but for its own sake.
Above all though, this is an act of recognition. We must consider the previous forehead-kiss that these two shared, back in Enemies, and Faith’s words directly before: “What are you gonna do, B, kill me? You become me. You're not ready for that, yet.” And in Graduation Day, just after Buffy stabs her: “You did it. You killed me.” And her words in the dream, just a few seconds ago: “You're ready?"
Now I don’t think that Buffy stabbing Faith to save Angel is morally equivalent to Faith voluntarily killing people to help an evil guy become a big snake. I don’t think the show wants us to think that either. But the line is firmly blurred. Angel says in Consequences that the act of taking a life will change Faith irrevocably, and Faith agrees. She sees herself as tainted from that point on, and if Buffy took her life, she would be tainted too. And though it’s understandable and morally defensible, there’s no doubt that a part of Buffy - her innocence - dies on that balcony when she sticks that knife in. That act is forever. The choice to do violence is permanent.
So when Faith says “you killed me”, she is saying “you have become me”. She identifies a common nature in them. And when Buffy kisses her, returning it in the exact same way as when Faith first said those words, she is saying “I know”. She recognises and responds to Faith’s mirror by holding up one of her own. She matches similarity with similarity. She is finally “ready” to assimilate her shadow self, and does it by telling her shadow self that she sees her, and that she was right.
The beautiful part of all this is that it is silent. Faith would’ve been aware of their unification in the dreamscape, since it was happening in both of their heads, but she has no way of knowing about this. I wonder if Buffy would ever tell her. I doubt it. This is the core of the Faith/Buffy tragedy. This is why I find this relationship so compelling. Buffy performs this act of recognition and devotion entirely in secret. It is a stolen kiss and a private confession. A whisper made to a sleeping lover. A letter written, sealed, stamped, and set on fire. It is an act of love and tenderness made entirely for its own sake, without witness or reward.
This is the single most romantic moment of the show for me. In this show that in many ways about how when nothing you do matters, all that matters is what you do, what could be more romantic than this gentle kiss that changes nothing against this aching hole of violence and betrayal between them, but exists anyway, just because Buffy felt it needed to be done. It’s a silent moment that nobody but Buffy and us are privy to. Neither Faith nor the rest of the world will ever know it happened, but I know I for one will never forget.
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Just Friends - Part 10
plot: fubu set up with Kuroo, model fem reader genre: fluff, smut, slow burn, angst word count: 7k
A/N [More at the end]:
I reviewed and edited Chapters 1 and 2 a bit because I kinda cringed at the errors and my writing was wonky (more than it already is now). No plot changes don't worry.
Thank you for all those who read this, especially to those who took their time to comment and feedback. It meant the world to me who stayed up later than usual and poured my heart out on this.
Part 9 || Epilogue || m.list
You instantly snapped your head up with expanded eyes. Despite the sternness his voice contained, you saw the delicate swirl of complex emotions in his eyes, one that you haven’t seen him display before. You saw how the contrast of heartache and relief graced his features.
“I love you, y.n.”
The quietness gave way for you to hear every single word he said. It was gently uttered, but firm on what it meant.
It was almost magical, if not for the perplexity which came with that statement that enshrouded everything else.
As if the universe agreed with you, another set of lights landed on both of you, popping the enchanted bubble you two were in.
“Let’s go. We need to talk” He moved his hand from your waist to the back of your shoulder and guided you to his car. Still unable to regain your calm from what just happened, you absent-mindedly followed him and went inside the passenger’s seat.
“My place or yours?”
His question made you buck yourself up to the present again. It was the question that started your indecent affairs with Kuroo, and now he’s using it to settle what branched from said affairs.
“Did you really just ask me that?” You were unable to refrain yourself from retorting.
“What?” He asked back even though his eyes had a tender playfulness to them. He clearly knew what you meant but wanted you to elaborate for his entertainment.
You just rolled your eyes and ignored it. “Yours.” You weren’t playing his game. You just rather resolve the issue at hand somewhere not in your place. The last time’s conflict left you feeling vacant when he walked out the door and you stayed there with gloom lingering on every space of your place. You couldn’t do anything because it was your home. You just let it evaporate on its own.
In case things go South like they always do, you wouldn’t want to worsen the state of your already sullied abode.
So you let him start the vehicle and drive off.
“I really thought you were gone again,” he broke the fragile silence.
“What do you mean?”
“I went to your place and they told me you left. I assumed you flew somewhere insanely far away for the second time.” All the involute sentiments he was carrying a while ago dissipated. He’s back to his laid-back self.
“Why would you think that?”
He sneered as his eyes flashed with bitterness even as he stared at the road. “Cause that’s what you do, kitten. You run away when things get too inconvenient for you.”
What could you say to that?
Nothing. He was absolutely right.
You tried to prove to yourself that you weren’t a spoiled rich brat by working your butt off, but it was never too difficult for you. You worked hard, but everything went smoothly like how you wanted them to.
But with Kuroo, everything was in shambles. And in every chance you had to make things right with him, you chicken out. You blamed external factors such as timing not being right or other people were in the way. But you always had your chance. You just despised the fact that you had to cross certain barriers to move forward with your relationship with him. You wanted things easy.
Before you left, you really believed that you wanted to confess to him just to get some clarity on your relationship. So why did you stop talking to him at all? If that was your only goal, you could’ve talked to him the morning after. But you didn’t. Because you didn’t like the pain of facing him again when he was messing around with women other than you. So instead of facing it head on, you ran away.
It was the same when you confessed dead drunk and forgot the next morning. You were scared that he didn’t feel the same way, so you took the safe way out.
And when it was becoming too much again, you were tempted to do the same exact thing you did ago: remove all the complications in your life by getting away from the source of it - Kuroo.
With your mind flooded with realizations, you didn’t notice that you arrived at his place already.
At least that was what you thought because he stopped the engine, but the neighborhood wasn’t familiar to you.
“Where are we?” you asked.
“My place. Duh.” He answered before getting out. It was sarcastic, but it cheered you up. He was back to how he used to treat you before the drunken fiasco. It was just three weeks but it felt like you haven’t heard his taunts far longer than that. That’s how much you missed him.
You followed him and stepped out of his car as well. He must’ve moved out just recently, probably when you weren’t talking much, or else you would’ve known.
“Glad to know you moved out of that dump.” Even with the current situation, you couldn’t just stay quiet when your mind instinctively thought of something to get back to his snarky remark.
“Dump, huh?” He was looking at a certain building that you surmised was where his new apartment was. He scoffed before looking at you.
“Wonder why you agreed to let me fuck you in that dump though.” His grin spread wide enough that his teeth showed, clearly pleased with how he handled your usual battle of sarcasm.
You veered from his playful gaze and pursed your lips from the lack of a good response to bring down that haughty smile of his.
You regret ragging him on. You should’ve just stayed quiet.
“Can we go inside now? It’s cold” You changed the topic being the loser that you were.
“Come on then.” His satisfied smirk was still on his face knowing that he won that quick exchange. He waited for you to go to his side, then started walking towards the building.
When you came back to the country, you thought it was odd that still stayed in his previous place. You were positive that he could afford to get a nicer one. Now it made sense. He was saving up for this.
While heading to his unit, you could tell from the interior and the exterior of the building that the price of the place was above average.
Inside the elevator, there was only you and him. He was about to press his floor number, but his hand stopped mid air before putting it down again.
“Wanna guess what floor I’m in?”
“And if I get it wrong?” He didn’t have to say it out loud for you to know where he was going with it. It was one of your gambling games.
“You owe me nothing but the truth tonight.” Your bets were fun and the stakes were always petty but the weight of his stare let you know that the intent behind it was nothing compared to your previous wagers.
He would demand nothing else but the truth from you when you two start to talk about the issue at hand.
You found it strange. Of course, you would be honest. That’s the point of the conversation you’d be having when you reach his unit.
But since he was acting like candor was of great worth to get from you, you’d ask for something of similar value.
“If I get it right, I’m getting your Nekoma jersey. The one with No.1 on it.”
He was obviously taken aback from what you asked for. “Why that?”
“Why not?” You immediately asked back.
He looked at the numbers on the side of the elevators while he scratched the roof of his teeth with tongue.
“I changed my mind. I want all of them.”
“Huh?!”
“The odds aren’t right. There are 40 floors and the chance of getting it right is only 1/40. If you’d think about it, I’m even being generous.”
He clicked his tongue, acknowledging that your point was valid. “Deal.”
You instantly responded without even thinking twice, “22.”
You wished you could’ve captured his reaction.
“You were already eyeing 22, dumbass. Your hand literally stopped in front of that number.” You shook your head as you snickered from that tiny victory, letting it take some of your tension away. “Say goodbye to your jerseys tonight,” you added.
He usually won’t make such a mistake during your gambles. And because he did, you worked out that he must be distressed too.
“Fuck.” He cursed then pressed the button you just said.
“Ugh fine, you can keep one.” You felt bad cause you even though the probability of you winning was low, the stakes for you were basically a given.
The way on his unit was spent arguing on why the deal should be void because it wasn’t really a gamble since you already knew the answer.
On his doorstep, you both hastenly arrived at a compromise of getting only his captain’s jersey, knowing that the inescapable confrontation is about to take place.
When he opened the door, it was nicer than you expected. It was modern looking with its minimalist interior and gray, black, and white tones. Your place was bigger but this looked more spacious because there weren’t unnecessary furnitures.
The click of the door brought you back to why you were here. All the monkeying around a while ago was just a prelude to this and any impact it had on you was diminishing by the second. Things were about to get serious. You could feel anxiety crawling back to your skin.
You didn’t wait for his hospitality and sat yourself on the couch.
He immediately went after and sat beside you.
You shook your head. “No.”
“What?” A frown creasing his forehead from the ‘no’ that came out of nowhere.
“Don’t sit near me. It makes me uncomfortable.” It might have been rude, but you just had to say it. You want your mind working functionally so you can’t have him anywhere near your personal space.
Instead of getting offended, he eyed you with consideration before standing up. He got a chair from his dining area and sat a good few steps away from you. He crossed his legs and arms.
“So?” He proceeded, imploring you to be the first one to open the conversation that was suspended by the vehicle earlier.
“What do you mean ‘so’?” You laughed sourly. “You’re the one supposed to explain things. Do you expect me to just accept what you said a while ago?”
He threw you a questioning look. “Is it really that hard to believe?” “You avoided me for weeks. When I tried to make up with you, you brushed me off cause you were seeing someone else. So my apologies for being so skeptical,” your last sentence full of uninhibited scorn.
“Who said I was seeing her? She’s just a volleyball player I’m working with.” If this was a normal conversation, he’d definitely have some snide comments to go along with it. But he didn’t swerve to his usual smugness. He remained pensive.
You couldn’t think of a decent reply except for an timid “Oh” that came from your mouth. You’re reassured that it wasn’t like that, but it was overpowered by the shame brought by your incorrect assumption.
He didn’t wait for you to recover as he asked right away, “Why did you ignore me after that?”
But despite the embarrassment, your brain was still running its engine properly. So you skillfully evade his query. “You still haven’t told me why you avoided me prior to that.”
He puffed a heavy breath. “I didn’t know how to get back to that friendship bullshit that you wanted so bad.” He uncrossed his legs and slouched with his elbows on his thighs. “Now answer my question,” he commanded.
“Well.. I didn’t want to intervene with whatever or whoever it is you’re busy with,” you said a bit too quickly without explaining further. “My turn again,” you continued on/
“No. I addressed two things from you so it’s still my turn,” he firmly asserted.
You were about to retaliate but he beat you to it with his own question. “How many times have I made you cry?”
It was an abrupt one that wasn’t in line with the previous questions that preceded it. You flinched from how it hit that certain memory you thought you moved on from.
“Never. What gave you that idea?” You denied as fast as you could. He didn’t have to know that insignificant detail. ‘It doesn’t matter’ you told yourself even though you knew it was your pride that wouldn’t let you answer truthfully.
You’re glad to have won the bet earlier. Even though you thought you were going to be completely honest, there were just some details that need not be known.
Heated stares replaced words as both of you waited until the other withdrew. He was glaring at you, looking for an ounce of deceit. Too bad for him though because you have no intentions of folding.
You arose the winner when he’s the first to concede as he straightened his posture from slouching. He leaned back on the backrest of his chair and sighed exasperatedly.
“Man, I’d like to complain, but I guess your tenacity is one of the reasons why I fell for you.”
You were doing so well but with what he just said, your heart is back to the mess it was when he pulled you to him and said he loves you for the first time.
“Cat got your tongue, kitten?” His smug grin back to its former glory, making you even more flustered than you already were.
“How can you say things like that so indifferently?” You voiced out, irritated at how he’s so relaxed while youre all wound up.
“Look. I’ve been keeping my mouth shut ever since you came back. Now that it’s out in the open, I’ll say it as much as I want to.”
Did you hear him correctly? He said ‘since you came back.’ When exactly did he start having feelings for you?
“What do-”
“Hold it right there. You don’t get to ask anything yet since your last answer was a lie.”
You groaned. He shouldn’t be allowed to call you tenacious when he’s even worse than you are when he wants to be. “It is not. So let’s move on,” you tried to proceed but he cut you off right away.
“Kenma told me.”
Your solid defiance rapidly chipped from your secret being found out by the person you wanted to hide it from. You could only guess that Kenma told him just now. That’s why he was on a rampant chase to find you.
The earlier gamble made sense now. He anticipated your refusal to admit what happened back then, back before you left. So he wanted to ensure that you would be forthright about it.
Even after losing the bet, his goal was still secured for he had Kenma’s story as proof.
You tried to feel any hostility towards Kenma but you didn’t have it in your heart to do so. You trusted Kenma. He must have had a good reason for telling Kuroo now when he’d kept it well for more than a year.
“Fine,” you said under your breath.
“Too many that I didn’t bother counting.”
Guilt darkened the diffidence on his face. He must not have expected that you would be the type to cry over a guy, especially him who started his relationship with you only as a bed warmer.
But you went on with your previous question since that’s what was pervading in your mind. “When did you realize?” You were really curious since when the feeling has been mutual between the two of you.
“Realize what?”
“That you l-,” you hesitated, reluctant to fully spat out the phrase completely even though he already said it first hand. Looking back, you don't know how you convinced yourself to admit your feelings to him when you’re stuttering from a trifling thing such as this.
“That I love you?”
You staved off away from his perfervid stare, not able to handle it as you replied a brash “Yeah” to maintain your tough façade.
“At the very same night you were supposed to confess.”
You harshly returned your gaze to him. “Was that a joke?” You chuckled wryly. “In case you forgot, I was there.”
You were grateful to Kenma being there at that moment, but it’s different when it’s finally Kuroo you’re confronting. You could feel all the unaddressed bitterness you buried deep inside take over you.
“I was hoping to get an honest conversation. Instead, I arrived at the godforsaken bar,” you continued with a forced smile, “and stood watch as you made that first move to kiss her, how you pulled her close like …. like you couldn’t get enough.” The particular scene tore you back then and it does just the same now. Before you knew it, warm liquid pooled in the corner of your eyes without any warning.
You turned your head sideway and let your hair cover your face.
You didn’t want him to see how your lips quivered as you fend off a whimper that was already at the back of your tongue
You sealed shut any feelings you had for that certain chapter of your relationship with Kuroo. So you couldn’t understand the surge of sullenness that flowed through you. It must be from how paradoxical his narrative seemed.
How could he claim to love you when he enjoyed the sultry company of another?
If Kuroo would think of two words to describe your personality, it would be determined and composed, to the point that you can seem cold and apathetic at times. You were the kind of person who didn’t give two shits to anything you found unnecessary or irrelevant.
Since he met you, you constantly had your guard up as if people will find something awful if they get a tiny peek of what you really are. He couldn’t do something about that. He didn’t have any right to. You two were only fucking around. He later figured out that you didn’t want people to know who you really were - an heiress and a successful model.
That’s why you traded carefully around people.
But when you came back and asked only for friendship, you still had your fences up like you were hiding something. He thought maybe because you’ve had them up for so long that you didn’t know how to turn it off, even for him whom you considered a friend.
So to see you struggling to keep your walls up that were slowly crumbling, he realized why you have a soft spot for Kenma. He’s already seen what you tried so hard to protect.
Disobeying your earlier instruction to not sit beside you, he stood up from the chair and moved to your side.
When you saw him do so, you didn’t say anything. You only raised your hand to nimbly wipe your tears that were already falling. He grabbed your hand you were using and held it still on your lap. He replaced it with his own, drying your tears with his fingers.
It was the least he could do with being the cause of it, and he was glad you let him even though you still kept your eyes away from him.
He trailed his fingers down your jaw and slightly lifted your face so he could look at you. What he saw was unrefined vulnerability, and even then, you wore it beautifully.
He finally understood. That wall you built when you met again was exclusively for him. You guarded your heart from him. You created the friends only set up so you wouldn’t get hurt again.
It made him feel like shit. You really did love him back then, enough to cause you this pain.
“I’m sorry. I was half-assed about it at the time. Nothing more happened with me and whoever that girl was. I just,” he trailed off knowing that the next thing he’s going to say is gonna sound stupid. “used her to see if what I felt for you was real.”
You raised your gaze to him with eyes wide with disbelief. “Are you serious?”
“I know it’s idiotic, okay?” His voice took a slightly defensive tone as you were about to judge his line of thinking back then. “But we were only fuck buddies. I didn’t want to start a relationship with you then realize that I was just confusing the comfort of your company with something as serious as love.”
He stroked your knuckles after he explained.
“I really am sorry, y/n. I didn’t mean to hurt you like that.” His words dripping with remorse from every single tear that you shed for him without him knowing.
“Why tell me only now? It’s been months since I came back.”
“You were insanely driven on being friends only. I didn’t think you feel the same way.”
No one said anything after. He couldn’t tell if you’re aware of it too, but he could feel tension in his every vein as his next question dangled on the tip of his tongue.
“Do you?”
You bit your lip as you averted your eyes downwards again.
“You know the answer to that already.”
Indeed he does. You wouldn’t be this affected if you didn’t. But he has to hear it directly from you. He has to hear you say you love him for real this time.
“I need it to come from you.” He gently held your cheek to guide you back to his gaze. He needs to see the entirety of your face, especially your eyes, when you finally tell him how you truly feel about him.
“I… I-” He could see your strenuous struggle to get the phrase out. You eminently tried as you kept uttering the first syllable but nothing after that. “I can’t say it,” you said defeatedly.
He should be frustrated. He laid out all his cards open for you to see, but you refused to do the same when you had one last face down card that would declare the game over where you both win.
But he held nothing but patience. He could wait for the phrase he’d been longing for as long as he made sure of something.
“You don’t have to if you can’t say it. But I’ll be honest. I,” he let out a deep breath before continuing, “I can’t stand us being friends only anymore.”
He removed his light grasp on your face as his hand travelled to the one that he hasn’t been holding. He lightly squeezed your fingers to get you to heed the attention he needed from you.
“Be my girlfriend, y/n. Be mine.”
If you say no at this point, he’d lose his mind.
With his focus solely on you as he waited for an answer, he saw a subtle nod from you.
“Okay.”
It might seem too simple and bland of an answer. But you two had been going on through ragged stops for a year that he couldn’t care about trivial crap like that.
It wasn’t sweet and he found that perfectly okay. Because it was you. He just needed you to finally let him be more than just fuck buddy, more than a friend.
And when your lips tugged on both corners to form a smile that was directed at him, especially for him, it made his heart soar.
“Is this really happening?”
You had the gall to be skeptical when his actions never hid his affection for you. He just didn’t say it out loud.
“You bet your ass it is.” Instead of his usual shit-eating smile that would’ve accompanied his response, his smile mirrored yours.
You were both happy.
Unable to contain himself, he acted on what always wanted.to without anything holding him back.
He kissed you.
No alcohol and no bullshit involved, just taking in that first touch of your lips as officially your lover.
His hands travel up to your shoulders as he scoots over to have you closer. You taste and feel ethereal. It was unlike any kiss you’ve shared in the past. The ache he had for you this whole time was being lulled by how your soft lips cascaded on his.
His one hand goes up to the base of your neck while he parts your lips so he can have better access on the wonders of your mouth.
You sighed helplessly to the kiss before withdrawing just a bit, your warm breaths still mingling with one another.
“Wait,” you gasped inches away from his lips before burrowing your face on the crook of his neck.
“What’s wrong?” He asked worriedly, stroking your neck and shoulder to soothe whatever it is that’s bothering you..
“It feels weird.”
“Weird how?”
You lifted your head and looked at him with the most insane blush he’s seen from you. Your cheeks were a rosy fury that highlighted a foreign countenance in your face. Your orbs were glossy and sparkling with a tiny hint of naivety that he’s never seen from you. Your mouth was compressed in a thin line that he could tell was done to prevent the trembling of your lips that was still slightly evident.
He managed to get another unknown aspect of you to surface, and goddamn what a pleasant surprise it was.
He loves your confidence. It was sexy. But bashfulness was an exceptional look on you too. It provided depth to your character which was already fascinating to him to begin with.
He couldn’t wait until he could fully discover everything about you, even the one you still weren’t aware of.
“It’s like I’m overwhelmed by something until I can’t breathe. But I… I like it?” You glowered right after describing it, probably thinking that it sounded asinine.
He was amused and charmed at the same time from how you tried to put into words how he was making you feel.
“You do realize we’ve fucked countless times already.” He couldn’t resist goading further even when he knew exactly what you were talking about.
“You don’t say,” you riposted, gaining your smart-assery back to which he laughs at.
“God, I really love you.”
He lunges to claim your lips once more, his need to have more of you back with heightened intensity.
You were getting dizzy from how he was kissing you. It was much more needy than the previous one. You still haven’t fully grasped what just happened and yet he’s already filling your senses, making you forget the tiny insignificant details and retaining only one fact that mattered.
You and him.
His hand on your shoulder wanders down to your waist while you grasp his biceps for support as he pulls you even closer until you were straddling him.
His mouth did not linger too long on yours as it impatiently trailed down your neck, interchanging loving kisses with hungry sucks that stirred your thirst for him.
You remembered some parts of the drunken sex you had, but they were just flashes and blurred images. The sensation from the experience wasn’t retained.
It seemed like a far away memory compared to how he was making you feel at the present moment.
You suddenly feel him slip his hand underneath your shirt, palming your bare skin upwards until it reaches one soft mound which he doesn't hesitate to squeeze.
“Haaaa. Kurooo, wait,” you plead breathlessly. You were getting overwhelmed by how he swiftly fanned the flames of desire that was spreading throughout your body.
His lips left the sensitive skin of your collar and met your gaze with restrained hunger.
“What is it?”
You didn’t know what to say. Did you want him to slow down or just have his way with you already?
He must have noticed your conflict so he decided for you.
He chose the latter.
Both his hands scurried to your hips, guiding you to raise them slightly while his lips find their way to yours again. Not bothering to remove or even tug down your leggings, he slid one hand inside which was welcomed by your slick arousal.
“Why’d you stop me when you’re already this wet?” He asked with pride flickering in his eyes knowing that it was him who caused it.
But he did not let you answer as he shoved one finger in your core.
“Aahh,” your eyes closed shut and your thighs tremble from the sudden pleasure as your hands move to clutch his shoulders to anchor yourself. You rest your forehead on his while puffing heavily.
“Kuroo...” you whimpered.
He steadies you with one hand, but does not relent as he inserts one more digit.
“Hmmm?” You could tell that he was enjoying your wanton surrender just from the way he sounded.
“It feels too much,” you admitted.
“Too much? Oh kitten, we’ve barely even started.”
He took the hem of your shirt and lifted it up. “Bite it,” he commanded and you complied obediently.
He hoists your bra down your chest, exposing your unclad breasts to him. He eagerly takes one perk nipple in his mouth while his one hand goes around your waist. He retacts his fingers inside and rubs the bundle of nerves above your slit in hurried circles that were driving you to the brink of madness.
He was right. This was still foreplay, but you were already so feverish.
Your moans were muffled by how hard you were biting the cotton fabric of your shirt.
“Take your shirt off. I want to hear you,” his voice raspy as he stopped everything he was doing that was making you feel good. You quickly yanked your shirt off so he could go back to doing them right away.
As soon as your top was thrown away, he inserted the same fingers back again and started pumping in and out aggressively.
With his request and the absence of your shirt, nothing was repressing the salacious sounds that were coming out of your mouth
The heat in the pit of your groin was building up too fast. It was a very steep peak that he was rapidly coercing you to reach.
“Feels-ahh-so good.”
He groaned in response. He took out his digits and loosened his hold of you which made you flutter your eyes open.
“Let’s take this to my bed,” he said ruggedly as he was about to get up.
You firmly grasp his shoulders to stop him. “Wait.”
A dash of timidness came over you again which you couldn’t understand. Just like he said earlier, you’ve had a lot of sex. You did things more scandalous than what you had in mind, but you feel flustered just thinking about saying it out loud.
“What is it?”
“Uhh,” you swallowed your nerves. “Do you mind getting your couch dirty?”
He raised an eyebrow from your question, but was immediately followed by a riveting smile upon realizing what you meant.
“Not all,” he took off his shirt then proceeded to unclasp your bra that was still lugged your breasts.
“We can get it dirty as much as we want,” he whispered right in your ear.
--
Sex with Kuroo before usually ended with both of you scramming to get water or go to the bathroom to clean up. Then when you went back to his bed, both of you just settled down in whatever position you were comfortable in.
Holding each other after sex just was never on the table. No one talked about it and no one initiated so you figured both of you weren’t into it. You weren’t sure about him but you found the act too intimate to do between casual sexmates.
You had no idea it felt this good to be cradled by him.
Your head was nested on his arm that he extended for you. His other one was enveloped around your waist and your face and hands were burrowed on his chest.
“This is nice,” was an understatement that you breathed on his skin.
“Mmhmm. More especially since you’re awake and sober,” he hummed on your hair.
“Hmm?”
He chuckles lightly as he caresses your hair delicately, his fingers sometimes grazing your nape.
“Yeah, I held you like this the night of my birthday instead of going back.”
You definitely had no memories of that. You knew he took care of you, but you didn’t think he got cozy in bed afterwards.
“I thought awww poor you. You seemed like you could use a cuddle. You did beg me to fuck you after all.”
Typical of him, he had to be an ass and ruin the moment.
But you didn’t believe him. You knew that’s not what happened. You did kiss him first and asked him to stay, but you did not beg. Even if you did forget everything, you still wouldn’t believe him. You’re not the type of person to beg.
“Don’t invent stories just because you wanted to feel me up after sex.”
His chest rumbles within your touch as he worked up a laugh from your snappy comeback. “You’re really something, kitten.”
“You’re gonna keep calling me that, huh?”
He cranes his head back a bit, creating some space between you. You could tell he was peering at you.
“Don’t like it?”
You smile at his question. You found the nickname tacky at first, but it kind of got stuck with you. He’s never called you any other pet names other than that and it made you feel like it was solely for you.
“No, I love it.”
You tilt your head up a bit to look at him.
“I love you.”
You were so apprehensive earlier because of the torment that still lingered from the many failed attempts to tell him so.
You thought you would need more time, but that doesn’t seem to be the case as he easily whisked your worries away just by being with him like this.
You were finally able to tell him sincerely in your own accord. You didn’t realize keeping these feelings all to yourself was so heavy that letting it out was such a liberating experience.
As you free your chest with the restless burden of secretly loving him, you don’t feel empty because your heart was filled with content from knowing that he loves you just the same.
It reflects on his face, more so now that his smile is growing broader by the second which was accompanied by a noticeable flush on his cheeks that was illuminated by the dim light of his night lamp.”
“I love you too, y/n.” His eyes exuding profound adoration for you.
“I had my chance to tell you the morning after I got wasted. I just-”
“Hey,” he cut you off then removed his hand on your waist to cup your neck, his thumb brushing gently the curve of your jaw.
“I have you now. That’s all I care about,” the elated smile still not leaving his face.
“I can see that. You look too freaking happy,” you said as revenge for how he ruined your moment just a while ago.
“Well, sorry I’m not emotionally constipated like you,” he quickly outwitted your attempt to mock him.
“You scumbag,” you hissed despite his blissful smile infecting you.
He pulls you again closer to him until your bodies stripped off of any clothing are perfectly molded against each other.
“Yea yea, say whatever you want but I’m the scumbag you love.” Even when you couldn’t see his face anymore, you could still hear how enraptured he was.
And so were you as you snuggled with him until you fell asleep.
--
“Sorry, I’ll be a little late, kitten. I need to be here for a while even though the game ended already.”
You could hear him scuffling around with the dwindling sound of excitement in the background.
You’re already late from your planned time, but he was running even later. Not that you were upset. You didn’t have major plans or anything. You just agreed to go to his place together since you’re spending the night there.
“You have my keys, right? You can go ahead.”
“I can go there and wait for you,” you suggested since you still have some energy left from the orderly photoshoot you had this late afternoon. Also, you’d just be restless waiting for him at his apartment.
“You sure?” He asked even though you were sure he’s smiling judging from the way he sounded.
“Yup.”
“Okay then! Have to hang up now though. Love you, kitten,” then he ended the call.
It’s been almost a month now since you two were officially together but he sometimes still catches you off guard with how he expresses his love for you without reservations. But you have no complaints.
Upon arriving in Tokyo Stadium, there were only a few people inside, and some of those few are heading out.
Thank goodness for that. Even if you weren’t feeling tired, you didn’t wanna get squashed by Volleyball enthusiasts. It would also make your bed-headed boyfriend much easier to find.
You don’t want to call him just yet. He’s probably still occupied so you’ll just look for him.
As you paced the area unsurely, you were starting to doubt your decision to look for him on your own. You had no idea stadiums had this kind of structure on the inside since you’ve never gone in one. You thought it was just one big open area with elevated benches.
Instead of going inside the actual playing arena, you went to the narrow halls that branched to the sides of the building.
Just before passing a certain corner, someone emerged from a room that you weren’t aware was actually there.
“Oy Hinata, I’m going ahead if you keep being a slowtard,” a tall, dark-haired man aggressively stated before walking towards your direction.
“Kageyama, you impatient turd!” A bright orange-haired guy, who’s probably called Hinata, came out right after, hurrying to go after the dark haired one who’s most likely Kageyama.
Before he could even pass you by, you lock eyes with Hinata.
A snap of familiarity hits you both.
“Waah. Ms. Pretty!” He said in English, completely and overwhelmingly affable that it was almost adorable.
Oh right, you spoke in English the first time you met.
“Hello.” You smiled politely, still holding up your non-Japanese speaking facade.
Kageyama stopped walking and turned his attention to you. He bowed then looked at Hinata. “You know her?” He asked in Nihongo.
“Not really. But it was kinda funny, Kuroo-san called her ‘kitten’ but she didn’t really know him,” Hinata grinned from amusement only but Kageyama didn’t respond.
Hinata frowned and took a semi defensive stance. “You better not tell Kuroo-san I said that.”
You just alternate your gaze between the two men, deciding whether you should admit that you could actually speak Nihongo and that you’re looking for Kuroo or just let things play out as is.
“What’s the noise all about?”
Another set of recognizable faces turned up - fake blondie, curly, and black and white.
It wasn’t hard to guess why they were there. They were athletes. They weren’t just guests in the event. They were most likely brand ambassadors too, except for Kageyama. It’s the first time you saw the man.
They must be part of the national team. Kuroo did say it was an international match today.
Fake blondie’s face lit up as soon as his eyes landed on your face. He quickly made his way to approach you, passing by Hinata when he did.
“You lost, pretty girl?” It contained everything Hinata’s previous compliment lacked, pure flirtatiousness together with a come-hither smile.
So the Volleyball national team can somehow speak English. Although, they still retained their heavy accents.
You studied fake blondie in front of you and quickly decided that you wouldn’t date him even if you haven’t met Kuroo. The guy’s hot, but he seems like an idiot.
“Y/n?”
Someone who you didn’t have to identify by his hair entered the scene, Yaku.
You wave reservedly at him for you still haven’t forgotten how you acted around him the first you met.
“What’re you doing here?” He, then, turned to fake blondie. “Cut it out, Miya-san. I’m certain she’s not interested.”
“She can’t understand Nihongo, Yaku-san.” Black and white appeared to be whispering but his voice was loud enough for everyone to hear..
Yaku threw him a confused look. “What? I met her around two months ago. She’s a local, Bokuto.”
The Miya person scowled, “Geez. Could’ve saved me the trouble.”
You just ignored him and shifted your attention to Yaku.
“I’m looking for Tet-” you cleared your throat. He’s been pestering you to call him ‘Tetsu’ every single day until you just succumbed to it and it became normal to you. You almost addressed him as such to these people who you presume he’s working with.
“I’m looking for Kuroo.”
Yaku raised an eyebrow with intrigue twinkling on his whole face. “Oh?”
“Mmmhmm,” you answered obscurely.
“You friends or somethin?” Miya asked with an ounce of wariness, changing your initial thought of him being an idiot.
Yaku grinned. “They’re just friends,” he answered for you, obviously anticipating whether you’d agree or not.
You weren’t ashamed of dating Kuroo, but you’ve had some kind of weird interaction with these people that involved Kuroo, save for Kageyama obviously. Poor guy must be confused at the novelty of what’s happening.
From behind Bokuto and the curly haired guy whose name you still have no idea what, the man you were looking for presented himself and walked towards you.
Those he passed by had their eyes lingering on his back with Miya being the last person to notice him since Miya is the closest to you.
“Not that it’s any of your business,” he puts a possessive arm around you, “ but this lost lady here is my girlfriend.”
You tried to hold off a smile, but it was futile. You didn’t expect that announcing it to other people was that gratifying after more than a year of consistently telling people otherwise. .
Damn it feels good to be more than just friends with Kuroo.
A/N”
I want to cry. This was my very first fic and my very first series as well. I'm so happy to see it through and finish it.
I'm thinking of an epilogue maybe next year, but for now, I'm marking it as completed.
I love you all.
Part 9 || Epilogue || m.list
taglist (thos in bold and crossed out can’t be tagged)
@lia-faerie-queen @mkkhaikyuu @fastidious-and-precise @winunk @feelkindahorny @cece-lives-here @arendizzle @phantomneko0 @ysatrap @babythotshq @ameliaxo @miiy @kurooscoochie @lucifers-luv @suikrem
#kuroo smut#kuroo fluff#kuroo angst#kuroo x reader#Kuroo Tetsurou#haikyuu kuroo#haikyuu series#haikyuu x reader
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Ancestral Ainu Remains Returned by Tokyo University by Noah Oskow
A long fight by Japan's indigenous Ainu results in a hard-won victory - but much more remains to be done. Resting Once Again Amongst Their People
On August 22nd, a Kamuinomi – an Ainu ceremony meant to celebrate the return of spirts to the realm of the gods – was held in Urahoro, in eastern Hokkaido. The sacrament’s purpose was that of welcoming back six sets of indigenous remains, taken long ago by Japanese researchers based out of the famed Tokyo University. The researchers first removed the Ainu remains from their gravesites in 1889, in the early Meiji Era; later, others returned in 1965, in the post-war era, for more.
The group receiving the ancestral remains was the Raporo Ainu Nation, the local Urahoro indigenous organization. For them, it was a day of quiet celebration – the culmination of a series of victories in their quest to reclaim stolen Ainu remains.
Raporo Ainu Nation had previously brought court cases against Hokkaido and Sapporo Medical Universities, both of which housed innumerable Ainu skeletons; all have now been returned to their homelands. Tokyo University, despite earlier protestations, was now also acquiescing to similar demands.
Six wooden boxes were laid out in front of a large freshly dug grave. Besides the waiting earth sat the Ainu delegation, bedecked in traditional clothing. They chanted in the Ainu tongue – one unrelated to the Japanese language which otherwise surrounded them. (Unlike the languages of the native Ryukuans, Ainu is not a Japonic language.) Libations of sake were offered to the kamuy, the spirits. Then, the remains were finally reinterred in the land from which they had so long ago been taken.
The Abduction of their Ancestors
The impetus for the veritable grave plundering of Ainu bones was ostensibly scientific: the desire by Japanese researchers to learn more about the physical and, later, genetic make-up of the indigenous ethnic minorities native to Japan’s northern borders. Indeed, at the time of the first unearthing, Hokkaido (and the native Ainu people along with them) had only recently been fully incorporated into Japan.
Previous to the Meiji Restoration in 1868, Hokkaido wasn’t even “Hokkaido;” rather, it was Ezo, a frontier borderland peopled by those the Japanese considered “barbarians.” A relatively small Japanese settler colony ruled by the Matsumae clan existed on the southern tip of Oshima Penninsula, which regulated trade with the Ainu and oversaw Japanese financial control of the island.
Sadly, this led to the entire field of Ainu Studies being essentially founded on grave robbery.
Previous to Japanese encroachment and eventual control, the Ainu people lived in villages scattered across Ezo, Sakhalin Island, and the Kurils. While they had a hunter-gatherer lifestyle that appeared uncivilized to the Japanese, Ainu society was in fact more complex than most interlopers perceived.
Beyond their advanced hunting and fishing techniques, the Ainu were also part of a diverse and expansive trade network that stretched from Hokkaido in the south, to Kamchatka in the far north. Ainu traders rode in dugout canoes to the Asian mainland, where they traded with the indigenous peoples of the Amur river basin. Sakhalin Ainu even made war with the Mongol-controlled Yuan dynasty of China, and later engaged in tributary trading with the Ming and Yuan dynasties.
High-quality silk brocades given to Ainu chieftains by the Chinese became prized goods for trade with encroaching Japanese from the south. It was access to these Chinese goods and Ainu-hunted pelts, furs, painted Sakhalin beads, and live falcons that made Japanese samurai desirous towards control of Ainu trade. Japanese trading pressure; exploitative and often coerced use of Ainu labor in Japanese fisheries; the ravages of newly introduced diseases; all these brought irreparable damage to the Ainu environment and society.
The Myth of a Naturally Doomed People
In 1889, in the midst of Japan’s headlong rush towards modernity, the Japanese government passed the Hokkaido Former Aborigines Protection Act. The Ainu were now officially considered Japanese. In practice, this meant they were subject to forced cultural assimilation that further disrupted their society and lead, ironically, to mass discrimination.
The Ainu’s were now a periphery people scheduled to be made “Japanese,” their “aboriginal” status to be forgotten as quickly as possible. In light of the notion that the Ainu were now a “disappearing tribe,” Japanese researchers became intent on taking as many artifacts of the Ainu’s material culture as possible before the earth swallowed them up. This is part of what resulted in the initial untombing of the Ainu remains just recently returned by Tokyo University.
In these inaugural years of the field of ‘Ainu Studies” (アイヌ学), previously held ideas about Ainu “barbarians” were melded with the emerging scientific field of evolution, leading Japanese researchers to make various claims about Ainu inferiority to “more evolved” Japanese society. Researchers, although often empathetic towards the plight of the impoverished Ainu, believed the only way to “save” the object of their research was to assimilate them out of existence. As Ainu ties to their craft traditions waned and the people themselves were assumed to be on the brink of annihilation, researchers felt the need to collect and document as much as possible.
A Dark Legacy for Ainu Studies
The Hokkaido Museum of Northern Peoples (Hoppo Minzoku Hakubutsukan) exhibits about the culture of Ainu native people and other northern peoples of the world.
Sadly, this led to the entire field of Ainu Studies being essentially founded on grave robbery. In both 1864 and 1865, mere years before the fall of the Tokugawa dynasty, the British consul in Hakodate led a group of foreigners interested in uncovering the mystery of the Ainu’s “Caucasian” features to secretly raid Ainu gravesites. When the story broke, it became a major scandal (even resulting in the firing of the consul).
Yet subsequent Japanese researchers continued to seek out Ainu bones for well over a century. Sometimes this was done with the understanding of local Ainu. (As often happened with Ainu crafts, money was possibly exchanged). Other times, however, researchers hoping to learn more about this “disappearing tribe” engaged in acts that very much resembled the previous British consul’s.
Ancestors Unearthed
Most infamous of the grave robbers was Hokkaido University Professor Kodama Sakuzaemon, who lead various state-sanctioned raids into local boneyards throughout the 1920s to 1970s – all against Ainu protests. Sometimes police were called in to help hold off Ainu from physically preventing the unearthing of their ancestors. As is recalled in the book Beyond Ainu Studies, a 1930’s bone-collecting expedition resulted in…
…the entire village police force [being] enlisted to assist Kodama’s team and when three or four elderwomen threw their bodies over their ancestors’ grave sites they were unceremoniously removed by attending officers. The end result of decades of university researchers stealing thousands of ancestral remains was an Ainu populace who often distrusted and felt anger towards those Japanese academics and scientists who, ostensibly, wanted to understand the Ainu. Especially egregious to the Ainu was the fact that, within their tradition, bodies are to buried whole in order to maintain a tie to the spirit.
Painful Memories
Our land, Ainu Mosir, had been invaded, our language stripped, our ancestral remains robbed, the blood of living Ainu taken, and even our few remaining utensils carried away. At this rate, what would happen to the Ainu people? For Kayano Shigeru (萱野 茂, 1926 – 2006), the first Ainu in Japanese parliament and a major voice for indigenous rights, the spiriting away of Ainu skeletons and artifacts by mainland researchers was a source of much shame. In his famous memoir, Our Land Was A Forest, Kayano recalled returning home to find treasured artifacts missing; his impoverished father had sold them away to researchers.
In those days I despised scholars of Ainu culture from the bottom of my heart. They used to visit my father for his extensive knowledge of the Ainu. I often railed at them and, accusing them of behavior as rude as that of waking a sleeping child, ordered them never to return. Professor K. [likely Kodama] of Hokkaido University was one at whom I snarled many times… They dug up our sacred tombs and carried away ancestral bones. Under the pretext of research, they took blood from villagers and, in order to examine how hairy we were, rolled up our sleeves, then lowered our collars to check our backs… It was this same anger and desire to recover the Ainu culture that lead Kayano to become such a major voice in the question for indigenous rights in Japan.
Seeing such self-centered conduct by shamo [Japanese] scholars, I asked myself whether matters should be left as they were: Our land, Ainu Mosir, had been invaded, our language stripped, our ancestral remains robbed, the blood of living Ainu taken, and even our few remaining utensils carried away. At this rate, what would happen to the Ainu people? What would happen to Ainu culture? From that moment on, I vowed to take them back.
The Fight to Reclaim the Ancestors
It was with the same spirit of cultural recovery that Ainu groups from around Hokkaido have set out to gain the return of their ancestor’s remains. In 2008, after centuries of denial and erasure, the Japanese government suddenly announced that the Ainu were to be legally considered the indigenous people of the north. Although by this point there remained only around 25,000 self-declared Ainu with only a few elderly native speakers still living, this signaled a huge victory for Ainu rights. In 2013, the Ainu council of Kineusu used their new indigenous status as a basis for suing Hokkaido University for the return of uninterred Ainu bones.
More lawsuits followed. Slowly, the ancestral remains and funerary artifacts sitting in collections and in storage across universities in Japan began to be returned. Hokkaido University, home to more Ainu remains than any other facility in Japan, played a major role in these skeletal repatriations. In July, Hokkaido opened the Symbolic Space for Ethnic Harmony – a “national center for the revival and development of Ainu culture.” The center is to host the National Ainu Museum and National Ainu Park. Importantly, it also has a space to carefully store Ainu remains. Still, the Symbolic Space itself has become controversial with Ainu, with some hoping for the return of remains more directly to Ainu communities.
The Way Forward
The return of the ancestral remains by Tokyo University on Saturday comes amidst an interesting time for the Ainu community. Recognition of the Ainu and their culture is one the rise worldwide, they finally have recognition by the Japanese government, and cultural revival movements are gaining steam. Young Ainu are engaged in reconnecting with their heritage, learning their language, and sharing their culture with others. Hokkaido schools will soon have textbooks that make multiple references to Ainu history. The field of Ainu Studies has evolved, now placing more primacy on the perceptions of the Ainu themselves and welcoming more Ainu scholars.
Yet still, Ainu face discrimination and erasure. A national survey from only four years ago revealed that a huge 74% of Japanese people had never been exposed to Ainu culture or people. The now-delayed 2020 Tokyo Olympics suddenly axed an Ainu ceremony planned for the opening ceremonies. Progress is being made, but it’s not always enough.
Yet, on Saturday, as the burial of six sets of remains in Urahoro marked the complete return of a total of 103 such Ainu once held at Tokyo University, Raporo Ainu Nation honorary president Masaki Sashima found himself becoming emotional.
この瞬間を迎えられて感無量です。遺骨には『今まで待たせて申し訳ありませんでした。静かに眠ってください』とお祈りしました。I’m overcome with feeling having reached this moment. I prayed to the remains of the deceased, saying, “I’m greatly sorry for having made you wait so long. Please rest in peace.”
The earth of the Ainu Moshir, the Ainu homeland, once again embraced the ancestral remains, welcoming them home.
Sources (08月22日). 東大返還アイヌの人の遺骨を埋葬. NHK News Web.
Kayano, S. (1994). Our Land Was A Forest : An Ainu Memoir. Routledge.
Hudson, M.J., Lewallen, A., & Watson, M.K. (2014). Beyond Ainu Studies: Changing Academic and Public Perspectives. Honolulu: University of Hawai’i Press.
Walker, B. (2001). The Conquest of Ainu Lands: Ecology and Culture in Japanese Expansion,1590-1800. University of California Press.
Kimura, K. (2015, July 25). Japan’s indigenous Ainu sue to bring their ancestors’ bones back home. The Japan Times.
#Ainu#Ainu Moshiri#Ancestors#Hokkaido#Tokyo#Tokyo University#Japan#colonialism#colonial violence#genocide#grave robbing#racism#institutional racism
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Yᴏᴜʀ Qᴜᴇʀᴇɴᴄɪᴀ
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
“I just want you to be happy.”
Word Count: 2407
Requested: yes, by a drunk anon. they wanted rex to be happy for more than 5 minutes, so this is what i came up with. might go back and edit some more, but to be honest i’m sick of looking at the english language at this point. i hope you like it.
a/n. heavy allusions to sex.
Querencia. (N.)... a place where one feels safe, a place from which one’s strength of character is drawn.
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
He had slept with you. He knew that for certain.
Bodies close together, he could remember the heat from it all so clearly. Heat from you, heat from him, heat from the both of you. He could close is his eyes and remember the thin layer of sweat earned from working at you. Rex hadn’t minded the work, though. In fact, he enjoyed it. He reveled in knowing you had enjoyed it as well.
During the act, Rex swore to himself he’d commit every millisecond to memory. He promised he’d think back on your warmth in hard times of battle, that he’d even attempt to see it in dreams. It was just so nice. Better than he’d been able to fathom. But he couldn’t remember if he’d been able to last one long round (which was the more unlikely option), or if he’d gone multiple, short rounds. The sensations were too intense, the arousal too heavy for him to have managed to last the time that it did- but he couldn’t remember.
You’d served together many times, and at no point has Rex heard the noises he’d been able to coax from you. He’d idolized you for your remarkable, Jedi mind. You’d led him and his men to victory on several occasions- sometimes with General Skywalker, sometimes all on your own. It hadn’t been til the Captain happened to look over at you during your first battle together, and immediately desired you.
The way you handled your lightsabers... the fluidity of your movements... Rex found it to be beautiful. He’d seen it before in other Jedi, but this was different. You were... you. And you had made the man restless with lust, overtaken with infatuation and adoration alike. Therefor Rex had fallen into either love or something like it with you, and after a rather annebriated night, he’d gotten what he wanted.
Neither of you were drunk enough to be out of your mind. Rex would never have allowed himself to take advantage of your state, but he was just as tipsy as you were. You’d spent the majority of the time together giggling and telling stories in some neon lighted Coruscant cantina to celebrate a recent victory. General Skywalker had made a rather hollow excuse to slip away to Padmé. Obi-Wan declined the offer and chosen to rest instead. The majority of the 501st had spread itself thin across the planet in search of fun. This left Rex alone with you, General Koon, and a few other soldiers.
Had Rex laughed at your joke first, or had you laughed at his? The liquor had made you feel warm and giddy, and it hadn’t taken awhile before he had held your stare for a little too long. With a few more lines of dialogue exchanged, you’d invited Rex back to your quarters.
“I’ve a few strategies I’d love to talk over with you,” you’d told him. “Just back in the Temple. Come on.”
Rex didn’t need to be told twice. Even if he had wanted to stop himself from following you and your sweet aroma, he couldn’t have. It was too enticing to turn down being alone with you. Jesse had smiled knowingly at him as he left, which somewhat spurred Rex on.
One thing led to another. Rex could only remember how hot you had felt, but not how it had started. He’d worry about recounting that part of his memory later. For the time, he’d focused on melting into you and you alone.
Eventually, the both of you tired out. The Captain would’ve kept going if not for your exhaustion, but he was quick and deciding to let you rest. He followed after you not long after.
In the night, the man woke up out of a sudden fear that it had all been a dream. He bolted upright, skin still glistening from the earlier acts. They’d only been committed approximately three hours ago at this point, but he had to be sure. He knew in the morning you would be gone, but if he could keep you from slipping away now, he would.
The Captain looked over at you. Your hair was spread out across the pillow as your cheek pressed to it. Your lips were parted slightly as you breathed in and out, complimenting the pink dust on your cheeks from the past alcohol and sweat. Your bare back was facing the ceiling, palms lazily spread out as your legs only further tangled themselves in the sheets.
Rex thought you were beautiful, even with a half alarmed, half asleep brain. The acts you had shared had been as true as they come, and so the man knew that for certain. The back of his mind was shouting that it was worse for it to be real- you were a Jedi! You were forbidden from any forms of intimacy! Oh Maker, had he been your first? On top of it all, you were his superior! The level of inappropriateness was insurmountable!
But the Clone decided he’d deal with it at morning. Slowly, as not to wake your divine form, he scooted closer to you. His right hand reached out to pull you towards him with a bit of a roll. Then you collapsed against his broad chest easily, still soundly snoozing away.
Rex kept his arm around you firm. While you were out cold, the city system was wide awake and bustling, and Rex let the distant sounds of wind and speeders alike lull him back into a similar state of sleep.
The man was right, though. You weren’t there when he woke up.
The arm that was so tight around you in sleep was now limp on the bed. He had gone to squeeze it to make sure you hadn’t been taken, only to find air and sheets in your place.
The man’s golden eyes fluttered open slowly, adjusting to the particles of dust he could see in the rising sunlight. Your suite was quiet, and the glass of the window behind him blocked out the noise of the world. Rex rather appreciated things that were soundproof, because sometimes if he closed his eyes for too long, he would remember the noisiness of war.
Your bed was the most comfortable he had ever slept on. Back on Kamino, he and his brothers grew accustomed to sleeping in pods. During times of active duty, he spends most of his nights in a cot, on the floor, or on a slab. But your mattress was firm but soft, able to work out the knots of his back with no trouble at all. The deep red sheets were smooth as silk, with plenty of soft pillows to nestle your head into. Though now, all but two pillows were strewn across the floor.
Rex sat himself up. He took the right side, you took the left. His head rolled over the window that was previously given a view of his back. Floor to ceiling, stretching from wall corner to wall corner. Being an important figure in the Republic certainly had it’s perks, it seemed. Yours was the view. Skyscrapers climbed higher and higher the farther he looked, and all sorts of transports zipped and zapped as they tried to beat the growing sun. The light cast orange shadows into the room, and made Rex’s eyes appear golden.
But despite all this, Rex couldn’t relax. Your leaving before he woke up meant something. It meant you thought the night was a mistake. It meant you didn’t want to see him again. Rex was right for holding you as tightly as he did. At least because of that, he knew it was real.
If you came back to your room, would you throw him out? Would you yell at him? Accuse him of taking advantage of your tipsy state? It was foolish of him to assume he would come close to any semblance, of happiness, wasn’t it? Last night was the closest thing he would ever get, but of course nothing gold can stay.
You would be furious. This makes the Captain sigh and sink further against the board. Of all the foolish people he’d come across- clankers, seppies, fellow brothers- he was the biggest fool of them all.
Silently and slowly, you appear before him. Just at the other end of the room, by a doorway that led to your bathroom. A cream color towel was draped around your form, but it didn’t matter. Rex had already committed you to memory. He could see the dark bruises he’d been nervous about marking you with across your breasts, up your collarbones, and trailing around your neck. The sunlight hadn’t reached you yet, but if it did, you would’ve been just as golden as the Captain’s irises.
“Good morning,” he said with disbelief. His eyes were wide- shocked you were here still. He was glad for it, but that didn’t mean that he wouldn’t be kicked out. His lips were beginning to feel more dry and chapped as his anxiety grew.
You didn’t look furious. “Good morning, Captain,” you said calmly. A shadow of a smile danced on your lips calmly. “I just went to shower. You were asleep and I didn’t want to wake you.”
“Oh,” Rex said, eyes still wide. “Oh. Right.”
You hold his gaze a second longer before starting towards the window. Your feet patter against your floor. Skin becomes lightened in the sun so you appear to be glowing. Rex can partially see your back, and get a glimpse of a mark he had made on your shoulder blade. He could faintly remember giving that one, but the memory was hot and blurred together by sweat.
You were looking out the window. Observing the metropolitan city before you. Your intelligent eyes were flitting everywhere, working a click a minute. “Do you want breakfast?” you asked, eyes not shifting over to the man until your sentence was done. “We can go out to a diner near here, or I can make something. Not a very good cook, though.”
What? What was this? No yelling. No noticeable anger. You hadn’t immediately told him to leave. You hadn’t woken him up to shout. You were instead asking if the man wanted to stay a while longer with you. This must’ve been a dream. Perhaps Rex had been mistaken, and it actually wasn’t real.
“I don’t understand,” he said aloud.
You flash a quick smirk at him calmly, exhaling as though it were obvious. “Well you must be hungry,” you said. “And I have the credits.”
“You’re not going... to make me leave?”
You turn to him fully. Your eyebrows furrow together softly in a sort of confusion. “Now why would I make you do that?”
Rex’s heart gives a sudden pound. He feels something catch in his throat and his skin grow hot. In contrast, his veins feel cold as ice.
“Rex,” you say softly, almost like a whisper. Your eyes glow, skin covered in all the hickeys he had given on you. “I don’t want you to go.” Then the hand clutching the towel to you tightens and clenches around the knuckles. “Unless you want to go.”
“No,” he says immediately. He sits up straighter, rustling the sheet draped over his legs. Rex’s body is perked up in alarm now, anything to prove your words wrong. “I just thought that you would think last night was a mistake.”
“I don’t think it was a mistake. Do you think last night was a mistake?”
Maker, the way you look at him. “No,” Rex says, completely entranced. “No, General. I don’t think last night was a mistake.”
Your lips curve into a smile. Your eyes are shining. Rex has been a lot of places in his life, with a lot of people. Nothing and no one compares to how beautiful you look right at this moment. Not even the radiating sun or the distant, blinking neon lights.
The hand around your towel loosens enough to make the cloth slip from you. It falls to the floor in a puddle by your feet.
You’re naked again. You’re naked in front of a giant window so anyone flying by could see, but Rex is the only one of them who really matters. He’s important to you. Rex isn’t just a Clone, or a soldier, or the best Captain in the world. He’s not a master of blasters, a drinking buddy, or even a one night stand. He’s a friend, a companion, a lover, even.
He’s taken aback by the revelation. How many people in his life had told him that he hadn’t mattered in the slightest? How many people had made him feel that way? You weren’t one of them. This made Rex feel something more than happiness, which was a bit of a big step for the man. He may have never felt happiness for this long in his entire life.
He deserves it.
Rex climbs out of bed peacefully, not daring to lose eye contact with you. He’s naked too, but all he can think about is you. It’s real. There’s no competition, no way of changing his mind. The normal, raging and torn up storm in his chest is completely obliterated. Replaced instead by something much more calm and welcoming and loving. It’s odd and new to him, but Rex wants to get used to it.
He holds you tight. Not as tight as all those hours ago- there’s no need to now. He knows you won’t disappear because he has your word. Your hands snake around his back, raking over the shadows of scratch marks you’d left the previous night. His thumb smooths over the bruise on your shoulder blade.
He’s taller than you, so it’s easy to rest your head against his chest. You can feel his heartbeat, and he can feel yours. If you stayed like this long enough, they would sync up rather quickly, giving the truthful illusion that they were the same.
So you stood there together, in front of all of Coruscant to see, holding each other tightly as your naked forms melted together, for the second time.
.・。.・゜✭・.・✫・゜・。.
I finished this one quickly, but the english in it was difficult for me. Why is sink and sync spelled differently...? Whatever. Reader has a fire pussy.
Taglist: @omg-we-really-doo @haztory @chokemeanakin @fanficsforheartandsoul @anakinswhore @.drunkanon :) is that everyone?
#rex x reader#rex imagine#rex imagines#captain rex#captain rex x reader#captain rex imagine#captain rex imagines#star wars the clone wars#star wars x reader#tcw imagines#tcw x reader#captain rex smut#captain rex fluff#captain rex angst
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Black Dahila
Summary: Liam and Drake finally learn what happened when Constantine confronted Eleanor and Jackson about their affair.
Word Count: 3328
Pairings: Constantine x Eleanor, Jackson x Eleanor, Jackson x Bianca
Warnings: Mentions of adultery, murder, illegitimate children
Song Choice: n/a
Part 19 of WP. To catch up, read here.
It’s not until he goes to sit down and catches a glare from Bastien that it finally hits Jackson why his former mentee is here and he makes sure to grab Luke’s arm when he goes to sit down.
Liam sits down in the arm chair that is close to the sliding glass doors he assumes leads to the backyard. He scrunches up his brows when notices Jackson’s hesitant to sit down. It has been three years since he took the throne and the weight of his title still hasn’t fully clicked with him.
“Oh no, please sit. I’m not here as King, this is your home after all.”
Jackson nods, slightly embarrassed before he lets go of Luke who sits on the left end of the couch closest to Liam and Jackson sits in his usual chair, one that is across from Liam.
“It seems a lot has changed in Cordonia.” He lets out a nervous chuckle, the atmosphere starts to feel heavy, like all the weight was resting on his shoulders.
“Leo abdicated for love, truly pulling an Edward VIII. Olivia had a lot to say about that.”
“How is Olivia?”
“She told me not to even bother to come here.” “Sounds like her. And Lythikos?” “She rules with a silver dagger, the people love it, the suitors not so much.” Jackson lets out a laugh and Liam feels himself untense for the first time since they pulled back in front of the ranch. It startles him at first, the fact that he could feel almost comfortable with the one person he wanted to set on fire. But it is truly rare that he gets a moment to just chat with someone.
“The Beaumont brothers, how are they? Bertrand married to some insufferable noble woman yet?”
Liam and Bastien share a brief exchange before the corners of Liam’s lips threatens to twitch into a smirk. “You’d honestly be surprised at who he married. He even has a son.”
“Poor woman.” Jackson jokes which gets Bastien to crack a smile.
“If you’ll excuse me.” Liam stands up, holding up his ringing phone before walking out the glass doors behind him.
“I don’t suppose we could share a drink and talk about the old days, could we?”
“I am on the clock.” Bastien continues to look straight ahead, trying to simply just avoid his old mentor. His first concern is Liam, next would Drake, then maybe once they were back in Cordonia could he worry about his own feelings on the matter.
To say Bastien is hurt would be a gross understatement, he is angry, pissed the fuck off and devasted that the man who taught him what he knew didn’t feel the need to clue him in on what happened. The fact that he had spent most of his life raising Drake and Savannah like his own because of how much he owned Jackson all while pushing down the grief and guilt he felt over their alleged deaths.
“How is that if Liam isn’t here on King’s business?”
He finally lets his eyes flick over to the man he used to look up to, keeping his face emotionless. “My job is to protect the King regardless of the business matter. You should know that or have you forgotten the duties you had sworn to uphold?”
“That was Drake, he’s almost here.” Liam walks back into the house, unintentionally interrupting their conversations. Bastien just nods, his glance refocusing on the wall in front of him, eyes scanning across the family photos lined up on the mantle.
There was no doubt in his mind that it was Eleanor’s idea to have so many photographs taken, she was like that when she married Constantine. Even before Liam was born, she had pictures taken of them with Leo, of Leo through the years and once Liam was born, even more were taken. She made sure Olivia was included in the family pictures they took, even if the official royal family photo didn’t have her in it, she still kept the ones with her in her personal photo albums. Bastien makes a mental note to have the servants look for them when he returns so that Liam will have them if he wants to see them.
* * “Luke, why don’t you go bring the cattle back in?”
Drake arrived just moments ago, taking a seat on the opposite end of the couch to Luke, meaning he’s closest to Jackson. Liam asked to hear Jackson’s version of Eleanor’s pregnancy which prompted Jackson to basically ask Luke to leave.
“This involves me too. I’m staying.”
“We can talk about this later, Luke.”
The young man simply crosses his arms, shaking his head. He wasn’t going anywhere, after everything he’s learned over such a short amount of time, he honestly didn’t trust his dad to tell him the same details he gave his older brothers.
“I’m old enough to know. You will literally be talking about me, I’m staying.”
“I really don’t see any problem with Luke being present. He must have questions just like the rest of us.” Liam’s regal tone comes out, while Drake is used to it, the other Walkers look at him amazed. A small smile curls the left side of Jackson’s lips, he could see so much of Eleanor in him.
* * With shaking hands, she pulls the tests out of her pocket and hands them to him; she had taken four of them. He looks at them, unsure of how to act and he feels himself unable to breathe. The unsureness of what this meant left him with a mixture of fear and unease.
“Please say something.” She pleas, tears swelling in her eyes.
“Congratulations.”
She reaches out for his arm, the plastic tests clattering against the floor as she drops them, throwing herself into his chest, “it’s yours.”
Jackson stumbles backwards, the reality crashes into him like a strong wave, leaving him breathless and fearful for another. The question on his tongue leaves a bitter taste, knowing that the words will hurt her, wondering if she’ll react the same way Bianca did when he asked her a very similar question.
“Are you sure?”
The Queen pulls away, her expression resembling a wounded puppy whose owner just pushed it away. She sucks in her bottom lip, eyes filling with even bigger tears as she bites down on her quivering lip. She lets out a shaky breath, nodding repeatedly before she turns and walks away, leaving him and the pregnancy tests behind her.
Liam stands up, anger radiating off of him which Drake quickly picks up on, standing up as well. “I’m sorry, did you really question my mother?”
“Liam…” Drake steps forwards, hands reaching out, trying to calm his best friend.
“How dare you? How fucking dare you act as though she was just some common mistress.”
Drake’s hands are on Liam’s shoulders, pushing him backwards even though he knows Liam can easily push him out of the way. He quickly looks towards Bastien who is watching, but not moving, honestly, he’d be completely fine if Liam beat Jackson to a pulp. He was completely surprised at Drake’s behavior, growing up he would throw a right hook without hesitation and for a lot less than everything Jackson’s done over the years.
“I know what it seems, but you have to…”
“I don’t have to do shit.” Liam pushes Drake off of him, sitting back down in his chair. “She risked her life, her family, everything for you and you dared to treat her that way.”
The room quiets, no one saying anything or even moving, the tension can easily be felt. Liam feels torn, torn between saying fuck it and leaving, returning to Cordonia as if none of this ever happened, but also wanting to know more about the events that led to his mother’s behavior. Drake is torn between his dad and his best friend and Jackson is torn between doing the right thing and telling the events for what they are or saving face with at least Luke.
“Would you like to call it a day, Sir?” Bastien takes a step closer to Liam.
“No,” he shakes his head, “I can’t continue to drag this or the trip out.”
* * Eleanor’s stomach drops, it isn’t uncommon for Constantine to have a guardsman summon her to his office, but something feels off. The last time she had even spoken to her husband was roughly two weeks ago, the day that he picked up on her sour candy craving. She has managed to stay holed up in her suite which wasn’t too bad seeing how her morning sickness was horrific this time around.
Jackson’s nerves twist even tighter when he sees Eleanor walking towards him, seemingly going in the same direction. He had been at home when Novak came to get him, telling him the King needed to see him immediately. For the last several days he’s tried to see the Queen, to apologize, but based off the maid gossip she had locked herself in the Queen’s suite, not even letting Liam in to see her. He tries to make eye contact with her, wants to try to give her a soft, comforting smile, but her eyes stay locked on the tips of her shoes.
Novak is standing outside the King’s office, opening the door when they both get close enough, a small bow for Eleanor and Jackson suddenly understands why he’s been called when Novak’s gaze avoids his.
The scene in the office isn’t reassuring for either Eleanor or Jackson, Constantine is standing with his back to the door and Timothy is standing to the right side of the King’s desk. Jackson can see something on the desk but he can’t make out what it is.
He turns around, sitting slightly on the edge of his desk, looking at both of them, a stone-cold expression in his eyes. Constantine stares at his wife, trying to or more like hoping that she will give him some reason to forgive her. He wants to be wrong, he wants things to go the way that they should. He wants to be told that he’s just been overthinking and connecting invisible dots, but when all signs point one way, it’s hard to go towards the other.
“How long have you been two sneaking around?” “Constantine, I…”
“I think it’s important to remind you that I already know the answers to the questions I plan on asking, there’s really no reason to lie at this point.” His words are often chilling, but the coldness of his words sinks deep into their bones, a shiver creeps down their spines.
“Over a year.” Eleanor wraps her arms around herself, trying to calm down her racing heart that’s lodging its way in her throat.
“And this?” He holds up the pregnancy tests, tossing them to the ground between them. The thin white plastic tests clatter against the floor, bouncing a bit on impact. It had been reported to him that a maid found a few tests in the guardsman suite not to mention there were some found in the Queen’s bathroom.
“Three or so months.”
Constantine’s stomach drops, but he doesn’t weaver from his stoic nature. He couldn’t exactly calculate when she could’ve gotten pregnant, but he could be for sure that she was in no way carrying an heir. But even with this reveal, he had already known that, just not really wanting to accept it. Accept the fact that he’ll most likely go down in history as the king that lost two wives.
“But there’s a chan—”
The King starts laughing, amazed at just how far his wife is willing to go to try to save her lover. She has to know that he wouldn’t have called them both there if he didn’t have all the evidence that he needed.
“These prove that to be a lie.” He grabs the thick envelope off the desk, walking closer to Eleanor, who tightens her grip around herself. “Or do you need a reminder?”
She lets out a gasp at the explicit nature of the photographs of her and Jackson, face turning red from embarrassment that her husband had seen them. It’s the first time since the pair had returned from Valtoria that she felt shameful of her actions, curious as to how he actually felt at her betrayal but scared of what his plan was.
“What’s going to happen?”
Constantine walks to his desk, sitting in the thick leather chair before swirling it around to face them, a sinister look on his face. He wants to laugh, the fact his wife cheated on him with a man that hasn’t even tried to take some of the blame baffled him. Even when Liana had left, when he knew he had nothing to do with her choice, he still carried the burden of blame because to him, a real man wouldn’t be able to tolerate the woman he loves name being tarnish in any way.
“Despite the obviousness of the paternity, I had an appointment made for you under Ellie Rhys, your two highest maids will help you disguise yourself.”
Eleanor just nods, what more can she do, she’s already done enough. Jackson still hasn’t said anything, if he was honest, he hasn’t thought much of the fact Eleanor had told him she was pregnant. He doesn’t want to think that it could be his because it means that everything will come to the surface and he isn’t ready for that. He’s not ready to own up to what he’s done, for all the damage that will be the result of his selfish actions.
** The week’s wait is dreadful for Eleanor, especially on top of her hellish morning sickness and practically nonexistent energy level. Towards the end of the week she’s surprised to see Constantine slip into her room, asking how she’s feeling. But when she tries to reach out, to get him to really look at her, he excuses himself, his only warmth being given to the unborn child.
She’s summoned to his office just a couple days later, this time without Jackson which has her completely worried, but he assures her that he just wanted to speak with her privately first. He has Timothy hand her the sealed envelope from the doctor’s office, telling her it was addressed to her not him so he didn’t open it.
He doesn’t have to ask for her the results, he can read it on her face and while he had a strong feeling it wasn’t his, a teeny piece of him had thought it wouldn’t be such a bad thing. She looks up at him, tears in her eyes, but receives no sympathy from him, his expression as icy as ever. He waves Timothy who goes to the door and lets Jackson into the office.
“You two are to leave the country, actually this side of the Atlantic. What’s that things Americans wanted?” Constantine snaps his fingers as if that gesture would trigger his memory, “ah yes, a white picket fence. Surely you two could have that ideal now.”
She sniffs, wiping a few tears from her cheeks. “What am I going to tell Liam?” “Nothing, he’ll think you died, a pretty standard death of a noble when there’s a coup.”
“A coup?” Jackson finally speaks up, much to the royal couple’s surprise.
“Ah, yes.” Constantine taps his chin before looking at Timothy, “care to explain.” “Yes, Sir.” Timothy nods before turning back to Eleanor and Jackson, proceeding to go into detail about how things will happen. That they’ve been investigating a radical group called ‘la Force de Pert’ and staging a coup, under their name, could help them take action against them.
He tells them that an announcement will be made that says the Queen was taken hostage by the group and Jackson made the heroic decision to go rescue her without backup. That night after the media left, the two of them would be escorted to a private airport where they’d be taken somewhere in America, free to live their lives however they please.
Timothy makes sure to emphasis what the King has just said, that they are never to return back to Cordonia or anywhere in Europe for that matter. That the fifty states that America has to offer should be big enough for them, even the US territories were up for grabs, but once they landed, they weren’t to cross any ocean for any reason. They weren’t to talk about their prior stations, anything related to Cordonia, the two of them were to simply fall off the face of the earth.
“You expect me to just leave Liam? Leave him here with you?” Her voice breaks, she tries to understand what is being said but the only thing she can think of is her son. “I won’t, I’m taking him with me.”
Constantine chuckles, pushing himself out of the chair, slowly striding towards Eleanor, his hand cupping her chin, forcing her to look at him. “It’s almost cute how someone in your position thinks you can tell me how things are going to happen.”
“Please, Constantine.” Her lip starts to quiver, but he tightens his grip on her face.
“You have no room to make demands.” He drops her face, turning to go back to his desk.
“I’ll just come back and take him! You will NOT keep him from me!”
“If you step foot on this side of the Atlantic,” he stops, turning around on his heel, “I will have him killed.”
There’s a heavy silence that drops over the room, it’s almost smothering as Eleanor tries to catch her breath. Tears cover her cheeks, shaking her head, trying to understand his callousness, how he could threaten his own flesh and blood.
“You wouldn’t! He’s a prince of this country!”
“He is the SPARE!” His voice booms throughout the room, causing her to flinch, his ice-cold tone ripping through her.
“Constan—” Jackson stops when he sees the bewildered expression on the King’s face.
“You may be on personal terms with the Queen, but I assure you that we are not.” He sits back down behind his desk, “I should hope you also know the same sentiment goes for your children, if you try to return.”
Jackson just nods and Eleanor looks at him horrified, confused as to how he could willingly agree to this, agree to give up his children so easily.
“Don’t look so down Ellie, it’s honorable for a guardsman to die a hero, isn’t that right, Jackson?”
“I can’t just leave my son, Constantine. You can’t ask me to do that!” Eleanor cries out, unable to stop herself from falling to her knees.
“You’re right, I’m not asking, I’m telling.” He leans back in his chair, “but are you even thinking about Liam when you shout things like that?”
She looks up at him, tears still blurring her vision, a broken expression on her face, “of course I am.”
“Tsk.” Constantine shakes his head, “think about it. If you came back for him, you’d basically be telling him that your bastard baby is more important than him. If Liam really mattered to you, you wouldn’t have put yourself in this situation to begin with, you didn’t think that I’d find out and just let it continue in the palace, did you?”
“What about Drake and Savannah?” Jackson quickly asks.
“Ah, yes. Bianca will receive a sizable compensation for her loss so they will be taken care of. They will be more than welcomed to stay at the cabin, as long as they don’t threaten Liam’s reputation.”
“Excuse me?”
“Although he is the spare, Liam has an important role to fulfill as prince. It doesn’t look good for people of his station to be involved with those with yours. Just look at the predicament at hand.”
#choices#the royal romance#witness protection#witness protection au fic#trr liam rys#trr drake walker#trr constantine rys#trr jackson walker#trr eleanor rys#oc luke walker
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la douleur exquise.
a/n : pt.2 to the satisfied fic :))
summary : la douler exquise, a feeling described as the heartbreaking pain of wanting someone you can’t have.
pairing : Todoroki x fem!reader, Momo x Todoroki
word count : +2k
warnings : angst (!!!), fluff
Growing up you thought nothing much of the idea of love. You had more important things to worry about. You didn’t have time to fall in love. It’s not that you had anything against love. Rather, you admired those who were in love. You admired the way they chased after what they wanted. In a way, you found it inspiring. You wish you were like that.
You were always surrounded by love. Your parents weren’t ones to shy away from displays of affection. And your sister, in some ways, was infatuated with the idea of love. She loved love. Like you, she admired your parents. The good, the bad, you could see how much Momo wanted to fall in love.
So when Todoroki entered your lives it didn’t surprise you when Momo told you how much she loved him. It had been a few months since that night and it’s safe to say Todoroki was basically living at your house. He would spend most of his days with Momo in the garden and have dinner with your family. You tried to avoid them as much as possible. If they were outside drinking tea, you were inside making a snack. And if they were inside, you were outside hanging out with Iida and some other friends.
Obviously this plan wasn’t foolproof. Fortunately at times like this you were grateful Todoroki was a man of few words. And this was one of those times. You and Todoroki were both in the kitchen. Momo had gone out with some of her friends, which meant Todoroki was left alone with you. She had told you to “keep him company” saying that she “didn’t want him to be alone”.
You figured you weren’t going to be able to avoid him all the time. So you just decided to get this over with. It was only gonna be for the day.
Todoroki was sitting at the island in the kitchen as you fixed yourself some breakfast. It was around 10 in the morning and so far you have only exchanged a few words.
“Did you eat yet?” Your back was to Todoroki. You were grabbing things from the fridge.
“Not yet.” His voice was soft. You’d be lying to yourself if you said you didn’t miss hearing his voice.
“I’m making eggs, do you want some?”
“Yes, thank you.”
You hum in response. It was quiet as you made breakfast. But it wasn’t awkward. It was nice. Outside you could hear the birds. You always enjoyed it. It was calming. And honestly you could use the peace. But a part of you was worried. It felt fake. A false sense of serenity. A calm before the storm and you didn’t like that.
In that silence you had finished making breakfast. You served both Todoroki and yourself. His face wore a similar expression from when you first met. It was distant. As if his mind was long gone. Your eyes lingered. His posture never faltered. Even in the company of friends he remained composed. He looked perfect. Every hair neatly in place. Not a wrinkle in sight. His sharp jawline. And his eyes. There was something different about his eyes today. They were softer. You couldn’t tell if he was tired or if it was something else. Maybe both. But it was different. And you wanted to know.
You wanted to know everything about Todoroki. From his greatest fears to his least favorite song. Everything. You wanted to know what made him happy and what made him cry at night. You wanted to see a side of Todoroki nobody sees, even Momo. You wanted to know what you meant to him. You wanted to know if he felt the same way about you. God, you wished he felt the same way about you. If only you could read minds, then this whole problem would be settled. Then your thoughts wouldn’t be so knotted and your crying wouldn’t be as frequent.
You stared at the countertop as you ate. You refused to make eye contact with Todoroki unless you had to. Call it self-defense, but you knew the second you met his eyes you would crumble. And you had to stay strong. Your hands gripped the fork tighter as you tried your best to hold on.
“You okay?”
“Yes.” You stuffed the rest of your breakfast in your mouth and put your dish in the sink.
“You sure? I mean I know it’s not my place to ask, but-”
“I appreciate it Todoroki, but I’m fine.” You sat back down across from him with a small smile.
“I’ve been meaning to ask you something.” He looks at you with those soft eyes.
“What is it?” This time you looked up and regretted it immediately. Any strength you had was gone. Your body felt heavy as you tried to move. You struggled to hold his gaze. If you looked for too long you worried you were going to be the one in pieces.
“Do you hate me?”
There it was. After everything, this was it. A being as delicate as porcelain only to be shattered by the one they loved. And this the catalyst.
“Why would you think that?” Your eyes shot back down to countertop.
“It’s just that you’ve been avoiding me and I thought we were friends. So the only explanation would be that you dislike me.” Todoroki spoke in a gentle voice. Fragile almost.
“Of course we’re friends Todoroki.” You tried to reassure him, in hopes that he wouldn’t break. You held back your feelings for Todoroki so Momo wouldn’t crack. And now you had to protect Todoroki so he wouldn’t. Everyone is fragile in one way or another. Either on the verge of breaking or already in pieces. And all you could was protect those you cared about so they wouldn’t meet the same fate you did.
“But you were avoiding me, right?”
“Yes.” There was no point in lying now. You knew that. And you were prepared to deal with the consequences of that.
“Why?”
“I can’t say.”
“Why not?” His voice rose. Slightly louder.
“It’s complicated.” You figured it was better to speak quickly in shorter sentences.
“Then explain it to me.”
“I told you I can’t.” You watched as his face formed into something you haven’t seen. Anger? Disappointment?
“What’s so complicated that you can’t tell me?” The annoyance in his voice was now visible.
“Just drop it Todoroki.” You got up from your seat and began walking to the stairs, hoping to escape to your room. But Todoroki caught your arm, forcing you to face him.
“You’re even avoiding me now. What is it?”
Being this close to Todoroki you could finally see what was so different about his eyes. It had nothing to do with lack of sleep. And his face wasn’t angry or disappointed. He looked sad. His eyes were slightly red. It was all a facade. From afar it was perfect, but once you got up close you saw how fake it really was. You and Todoroki weren’t so different after all.
“I’m sorry I don’t know what would happen if I told you.” You looked away.
“What do you think would happen?” He tried to catch your gaze, his hand still holding your arm.
“Something bad.”
“How do you know that? You’re not some deity. No one has all the answers. You can’t just make assumptions like that. This has to do with me too. You’re the one avoiding me. Anyone would want to know why. It’s not like I don’t see you laughing and smiling with your other friends. And when you’re with me it’s like you’re a different person. Like there’s a wall or something that you’re trying to protect. I just want to know why. Please, y/n.” His other hand reached for your face, holding your chin and turning your face gently to look at him. He watched as you bit back a quivering lip and your eyes glossed over.
“I like you, Todoroki.” There was no going back now. You continued, tears in your eyes, “I know it sounds silly. I’m sorry. I know Momo likes you. I never meant for you to think I hated you. It’s quite the opposite. You’re all I think about. From the first moment I saw you, I wanted to know more about you. I still do. I know this is unfair to you. But I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell my sister. I hope you can understand.”
“You like me?” He slowly let go of you, dropping both of his hands.
“Yes. You don’t have to give me an answer. I’ll just leave you alone now.” Your voice was quiet. Almost a whisper.
You turned and began walking upstairs. But once again you were pulled back. And before you could say anything, Todoroki’s lips pressed against yours. For a second you didn’t know to do, but soon enough your body slowly melted into his. His arms wrapped around you. His lips were soft, just like you had imagined. He wasn’t forceful. But he held you close. Everything you worked so hard on, was now in pieces. The feelings you tried so desperately to hide were now in the open. And for that moment it felt right. This was what you were waiting for right? The chance to finally feel Todoroki against you, holding you, kissing you. It felt so good, but what about Momo? You had completely forgotten about your sister. With her in your mind you couldn’t get her out. What would she think if she walked in right now? Todoroki’s lips all over yours and your hands tugging on his hair. She would hate you. You couldn’t do this. You pushed Todoroki away, out of breath.
“I can’t. What about Momo?”
“What about Momo?” He repeated your words a bit confused,
“Don’t act dumb you know exactly what I’m talking about. Momo likes you. Aren’t you dating?” You couldn’t help but be angry. This was the man you let your sister be with. It may have been hypocritical for you to think that, but he really didn’t care?
“Who told you we were dating?” He looks surprised. But why?
“No one I just assumed you were. I mean you spend basically every day with Momo.”
“That’s because you avoid me.”
“What?” You were a bit taken back by his statement. When did this become about you?
“Momo and I are just friends. You’re she does like me, but I rejected her. I never wanted to be in a relationship with her. I thought she told you.”
“You’re just friends?” They were friends this whole time? All this time you thought you were protecting Momo by hiding your feelings, but they were friends. God, you felt stupid.
“Yes. Only friends. So you can see, I had a hard time knowing you were avoiding me. I was so worried about it. I asked Momo for advice.” Todoroki carefully held your hands in his.
“Is that why she told me to watch you today?”
He only nods, a light blush dusting his cheeks. An expression no one has seen. You could only smile back in return.
“I can’t believe this was all a misunderstanding. I’m sorry for putting you through all of that, Todoroki.” In all honesty, you were a bit embarrassed. I mean you thought he was dating Momo for months.
“It’s okay.” Todoroki wrapped his arms around you once again, pulling you into a hug. “I can only imagine what you were feeling. Considering you thought I was dating your sister this whole time.”
Your face buried in his chest as his face snuggled into your neck. You hoped that the hug wouldn’t end. You didn’t want it to.
Was this the happy ending everyone sought after? You could see the appeal after months of trying to piece back together your heart. It was refreshing. If this was your happy ending, and you were happy to spend it with Todoroki.
a/n : i don’t want to get too personal, but like I was really in my feelings in writing this one. I would cry, write, cry, write. So this fic means a bit more to me. I hope you all liked it :)
#todoroki shouto#bnha todoroki#todoroki x reader#todoroki angst#bnha imagine#bnha#todoroki x reader angst
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One Step Ahead Ch 9: Family Matters
“Now it’s your turn to listen,” Aelin told him, her eyes burning into him like blue fire. “Come with me and I’ll explain everything.”
Rowan stared down at the ring in his hands, trying to determine if she was telling the truth. He couldn’t detect a trace of a lie in her voice, but she’d be good at lying. She’d have to be, in their line of work. The ring felt cool against his skin. Clean too. If there was a poison on this ring, it had rubbed off long ago or was near untraceable.
None of this made sense to him. His mistress was many things, but kin killer? And those tears she had cried for him earlier . . . those had seemed so real to him. Still believing Arobynn of someone similar to be behind all of this, Rowan resolved himself to see it through. If He could gain more information then he’d figure out who was responsible. And if he could do that, if he could reunite Maeve with her long lost great niece—the only family she had left—then he’d be Maeve’s champion, a hero.
Something inside Rowan’s chest fluttered at the prospect. A hero, just like she always thought him to be . . .
“Okay,” Rowan nodded, his green eyes trained onto her blue. “I’ll hear you out.”
Tension unfolded from Aelin’s shoulders like ice breaking off a glacier. Flexing her hands, breaking them out of their curled form, the assassin nodded and said, “Let’s go.”
Silently, the two packed up their camp and returned to the car. Aelin drove her way through a dark and narrow path with only the towering trees of Oakwald to accompany them. After several minutes where not a word was spoken between them, the forest opened up and a great manor came into view. The manor was grand, to be sure, but time had taken its toll on the building. In some parts the roof was coming apart, showing holes into the interior, and in others the glass of the windows looked so unclean they were pitch black. All the foliage which must have at one point in time been beautiful and cared for had overgrown and begun to creep up the brick walls, swallowing the manor one leaf at a time.
“Where are we?” Rowan asked when Aelin turned off the car.
“Somewhere safe. Now come on. They’re waiting for us.”
The inside of the manor wasn’t much better off than the outside. The entry hall and rooms beside it were dark and cold. Cobwebs grew a plenty and Rowan knows he heard some critter moving down the hall. But as they walked further into the home, Aelin led him to a door outlined with a warm light.
Adarlan’s Assassin gave the door a series of knocks, a code signaling to those on the other side that they were in safe company. A double knock returned Aelin’s and then it opened to reveal a young man with dark hair and piercing brown eyes and a scar tearing through his eyebrows and running down his cheek. His eyes flashed from Aelin to Rowan. His distrust of the Cleaner was obviously apparent in the way his eyes narrowed and his lips pursed, but he still moved aside to let them in.
Inside the room was much better kept than the rest of the house. There was a fire burning in a grand fireplace, an expensive, but worn, rug on the floor, and several comfortable looking couches and chairs. Most of which were already filled. Carefully taking in his surroundings, Rowan was surprised to find, once again, Dorian Havilliard and Chaol Westfall. He blinked at them slowly, trying—and failing—to think of some way to link the two of them and Aelin together.
Unsurprisingly, Aedion was lounging across the room. He was so slumped down in his seat it almost looked like he could slide off at any moment. Rowan wouldn’t be fooled though. If necessary, Aedion was ready to spring into action the microsecond he was needed. The white haired man wondered where the rest of his gang were. Since he didn’t see their bikes on his way in, he assumed they were guarding the manor and keeping watch for any unwanted visitors. Prowling in the dark like a pack of rabid wolves.
Next to the leader of The Bane sat the Faliq girl, which was curious. Her sharp eyes were trained on him, watching his every move. Remembering what she said earlier, about never missing her mark, he made himself a mental note not to keep his back towards her.
There were three other people in the room. The first was the young man who opened the door for them. He stood by the fire, behind a winged back chair which seated a frail old man. Rowan assumed this was the owner of the house.
And finally, sitting across from the fire on a sad looking fainting couch, a pillow clutched in his arms, was Athril Dearst.
Shooting Aelin a look, one that said—what the actual fuck are you playing at—Rowan found himself standing so close to her that he could easily spot the ring of gold within the blue of her eyes.
Staring right back at him, her determined gaze answered him, What I have to.
Explain, Rowan demanded, not looking away even when he heard Athril stand.
Sighing, Aelin nodded. She looked over Rowan’s shoulder at Athril and said, “You start—you’re the one that set this all into motion, after all.”
Athril nodded. He looked at Rowan, then away, and then, as if he’d found a bit of courage deep within himself, locked eyes with Rowan and began, “Right. Well, I’m not sure if you know this, but it’s an election year.”
He waited for the Cleaner to nod.
“The polls weren’t looking great. There wasn’t a lot of public interest and when that happens it could go either way come Election Day. My campaign manager and I thought it’d be best to find something, a cause, to bring the people together and catch their attention.” The Wendlyn District Attorney cleared his throat, “So I decided to look into cold cases, and there was one that caught my eye. It was out of my district, but Terrasen’s D.A., welcomed me in with open arms and agreed we could share in any of the spoils closing such a notorious case would bring.”
Rowan caught Aelin’s eye and she nodded, confirming he meant her family’s murder.
“So I put pressure on the police to reopen the case, which led to,” Athril trailed off, looking towards Westfall to pick up the story.
Sitting up straighter, Chaol looked at the room with wide eyes. He looked alarmed by the prospect that he’d have to address the room. “I found it,” he got out, “the ring. It,” he looked towards Faliq who nodded encouragingly to him which was . . . interesting, “had fallen into a vent beside his night table.” Westfall shrugged, “I guess no one looked there the first time around.”
Aelin snorted, “More like they were bribed not to.”
Rowan nodded at that, though who had bribed the police all those years ago, he was still unsure.
“That’s how we got involved,” Havilliard spoke up, clapping his friend on his shoulder. Westfall sighed quietly before relaxing back into his seat. “Chaol brought the ring to light and the news traveled up the channels and into my ears so we,” the prince of Rifthold’s lips split into a sly grin, one that hinted at something deeper, something hidden beneath the surface, “began exchanging conspiracy theories.”
“We thought for sure the ring belonged to Adarlan’s Assassin,” Westfall sat up again, his confidence growing, it seemed, now that he’d had time to think about what he wanted to say. “We thought this was the missing piece needed to finally pin it on her, but we quickly realized we were wrong.”
“How?” Rowan asked. The only way he’d been able to rule out the possibility of it being Aelin was because he knew her age and that the time line couldn’t match up. For anyone who didn’t know the famed assassin wasn’t even twenty, it’d be a natural assumption to make.
Both Westfall and Havilliard turned to look at Faliq. The young woman shrugged, “They were talking about it in my bakery, so I set them straight.”
A beat passed, and when Rowan kept his green eyes locked on the dark haired woman, she continued, “I’d already met Aelin at that point—knew her as Celeana, I mean—and knew she couldn’t have made that kill.”
Rowan nodded, though he had a few more questions, like why would Westfall and Havilliard take a random baker for her word, and how did she prove it to them? He still didn’t know how the sons of two powerful men had become friends with such a notorious member of the Underworld, but he had a feeling that information would come to light soon enough.
“Once Nesryn told me about the ring, I knew I had to act fast,” Aelin told him, her hip cocked and her hand resting on it as if she hadn’t a care in the world. “If I knew, that mean Maeve knew too, or would know soon enough.”
Following her train of thought, the white haired male said, “So you stole it before she could.” Aelin gave him a wide smile, one that showed off an awful lot of teeth and was surely meant to set him on edge. However, all it did for him was send a spark down his spine.
Still, this didn’t explain everything. Cocking his head at her, he silently asked, And this group? How’d this all happen?
For once, Aelin answered him aloud, “After our meetup in the bakery, I got Dorian, Chaol, and Nesryn to convince Athril to come here.”
Which was smart, considering Maeve would more than likely take him out to ensure no one kept sniffing around the Galathynius case. But no, Rowan reminded himself. Maeve wasn’t responsible for this. Nothing anyone had said had properly condemned his mistress. He needed more information if he was going to convince Aelin properly.
“I have to say,” Athril sat back down on the couch, grabbing for the pillow, “having these two,” he jerked his thumb at Havilliard and Westfall, “pick me up was a wise choice. I thought she,” know his thumb was aimed at Faliq, “had come to carve out my lungs.”
“That’s just her face,” Westfall said quietly, earning him a pillow to the face courtesy of Faliq. “What? It’s true!”
“Anyway,” Aelin said pointedly, giving Westfall a very tired look, “once we had the ring, we sent it out for testing.”
Rowan hummed, pulling the ring out from his pocket. “You said it was poisoned.”
“The interior, to be specific,” Athril pulled a briefcase out from underneath the couch and took some papers out. “There were only trace amounts left by the time we found it. The rest was absorbed into Orlon’s skin. Based on what Dr. Towers said, it wouldn’t have taken long for the poison to do its job.”
“What’s the name of the poison?” Rowan looked back over to Aelin, “If we know the name and the ingredients that could help us find the real killer.”
Aelin raised a delicate brow. Really buzzard? Her expression asked. Still trying to defend your mistress?
“It doesn’t have a name yet,” Westfall, of all people, told him. Rowan would have thought his participation in this conversation had ended, and yet he continued on as if he himself was the expert on the poison. “It’s an unknown. We have a breakdown of the ingredients though,” he nodded at Athril, who stood and handed Rowan several pages worth of data. “They’re very rare, which is good, and should help us narrow down the suspects. In fact, it already has.”
“Have you ever been to Valg, Rowan?” Aelin asked, moving over to stand before the fire and warm her hands. The hairs on the back of Rowan’s neck stood up, knowing that Aelin ever acted nonchalantly like this when she was at her most dangerous, when she had something up her sleeve.
Rowan hadn’t ever been to Valg. There was no reason for him to, considering what a crap hole the place was. It was full of empty buildings, the hollowed out husks of addict-addled bodies, and rusted over pipes. There was only one reason people ever went there and that was to die.
With her back to him, Aelin continued, “It’s a horrible place, run by three brothers who care nothing for it besides whatever money the junkyards and desperate bring in. But it does have an interesting collection of foliage that are renowned for their toxicity.” Turning around to face him again, Aelin’s face looked like it had been cut from marble, betraying none of the emotions Rowan was sure were raging through her.
“Why are you telling me this?” It was nothing new to the Cleaner. The King brothers, Orcus, Mantyx, and Erawan, were well known by the world for their brutal business practices and known in the Underworld for their vast supply of drugs and poisons.
“I’m telling you this,” Aelin said slowly, taking in a deep, slow breath, “because all of the ingredients in the poison originate from Valg and because of Maeve’s connection with it.”
Rowan frowned, trying to connect the dots and finding he couldn’t. There was no connection between Maeve and Valg. Silently, Rowan told her so.
Shoulders dropping back, Aelin stood up straighter. Rowan felt as if a stone dropped into his stomach, knowing he was about to be proven wrong.
“Maeve was married before, did you know?” Aelin cocked her head to the side, almost inquisitively. “It was only for a year or so, but it was legal. Apparently it ended in fire and brimstone, but I’m sure Maeve wouldn’t call it a complete loss.”
Athril handed him another piece of paper. It was a copy of a marriage certificate.
“Look at the names, Rowan.”
He did, and what he found there took the air right out of his lungs. Orcus King. Maeve had been married to Orcus King. Orcus King, the mastermind behind all the poisons produced in Valg. If Maeve had been married to him, had gained knowledge of his formulas and ingredients, then it’d be easy for her to . . .
“I need some air,” Rowan shoved the papers back into Athril’s hands and stormed out of the manor. There was a chill to the night, a welcomed sensation to combat his burning skin. He was going to be sick. Maeve was vicious, he always knew that—she didn’t become a mob boss by being nice, he knew that—but this was her family. Family was everything and she just—if Aelin was right then she just threw that all away.
Rowan closed his eyes and found a pair of chestnut eyes staring back at him. The wind carried the sound of a laugh, warm and infectious and familiar. Bile rose up Rowan’s throat. He’d give anything to just—and Maeve had thrown—he was going to be sick.
“Rowan,” Aelin’s voice broke through Rowan’s thoughts, through the laughter and the bile, and brought him back down into himself.
Dragging a hand down his face, Rowan turned to look at Adarlan’s Assassin. Standing before him now, Aelin looked so small and vulnerable, but she was looking at him as if he looked the same.
Opening her mouth, Aelin was about to say something else but Rowan cut her off, “I’m in. Whatever you need me to do.” He swallowed down the last remnants of the bile and resolved himself, “I’m in.”
#one step ahead#rowaelin#rowan whitethorn#aelin galythinius#athril#dorian havilliard#chaol westfall#nesryn faliq#ren allsbrook#aedion ashryver#rowan x aelin
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Sex, Intimacy and Buddie (better known as I have a lot of feelings about this show, some of which are related to the before mentioned topics) - Part 5
Hej alla,
hur cool att du är här! Vad kul!
(Kay, that’s it, all the Swedish I remember from two semesters of not really studying, so it’s probably also wrong, uups?)
(Still passed though.)
You guys! We made it! And please, do not imagine this read to you in a happy voice. I am sobbing. I already miss it!
(Also, if you do imagine how I might sound please consider due to several unforseeable circumstances of student exchanges in my youth I have a very weird mixture of British and American English, which basically translates to sounding like either of those doing a bad impression of the other accent - or you know, Australian.)
I’m really having a hard time finishing this meta because I loved doing it so much and I loved talking to all of ya’ll so much. This is a sad moment. (HEY, what if ya’ll came and visited my askbox and I get to discuss random stuff with you!)
Just a fair warning now, somewhere hidden in the middle: this thing is fucking long! We are talking longer than Season 2, so be warned!
Anyways, in case someone is new:
part 1 - part 2 - part 3 - part 4
And some general info:
This meta was supposed to be a lot shorter and only talk about how both Buck and Eddie use sex to distract their respective partners from whatever topic they actually wanted to talk about but since I decided to rewatch the show to make sure I don’t miss any such scenes, it has exploded a bit and taken on more topics
I should also mention that I am a Buddie shipper and while I tried, you will find several references and arguments for the ship in this Meta, not all of which necessarily call for a romantic pairing but just: These two are deeply connected and you cannot look at one without discussing the other and they are each other’s strongest emotional connection.
I should also preface this by saying that the whole of the 118 has some obvious intimacy / commitment issues except Bobby (which is sort of surprising) but *John Mulaney voice* we don’t have time to unpack all of that!
On another note I cuss a little in this Meta because my parents let me listen to TicTacToe as a small child and after that it never stuck that cussing is wrong so, uhm, parental supervision is advised or something
This Meta has FIVE parts. Season 1 and 2 make up one part each, while Season 3, due to something pesky called feelings and the fact that I can’t shut up, has been split in three parts: Part 3 aka Season 3A, which spans 3.01 - 3.10, Part 4 which spans 3.11 - 3.17 and this part which is officially only one episode - but still manages to be just as long. Yay! (Sorry.)
And now for the last time for now: part 5 (also called „You’re a godless, half-witted himbo, Evan Buckley, and I wish I loved you less so I could talk about it more“)
Episode 3.18:
My oh my, this episode.
I loved it but I also … didn’t.
It was way too much and at times felt a little rushed and the pacing was just weird.
I mean I loved the party but did we really need 5 min of it? Did we really need Josh’s storyline and Michael’s so randomly in the middle of the episode? Could we have gotten a longer apology scene? Why the weird phone call?
Let’s talks about all of that! (It’s why you clicked read more, right?)
Ya’ll, I gotta be honest, I am from Europe and I regularly go to places via train and while it’s better than a bus, I can’t see anyone falling in love with that! I am just gonna assume Abby did not go by train in Germany. Or Austria. Or Italy. Listen, I like trains just fine but man, do they not look like what we see here!
But also, as someone who has watched Community, the train lady saying „This isn’t Subway“ in an Episode where the human embodiment of Subway acts is very very funny to me.
I feel like I don’t have to point out how significant the cut from Abby saying „They stopped waiting for me a long time ago“ to Buck and Eddie discussing Chris is. Everyone has talked about it by now. But yes, it registered, as did the fact that Abby is dating a single father - while Buck is apparently basically dating a single father. But, you know, that probably means nothing! *chugs a whole bottle of wine*
The co-parenting was very cute and honestly I feel for Christopher and Carla and the firefam is Buddie does happen because they will try to out-protect each other and it will be glorious and also Chris might never get to leave the nest ever. That poor boy.
Sidenote: We as a fandom have not talked enough about Eddie’s reaction to Bobby yodelling and I think that’s very tragic of us. Because his reaction is the best, all: „Is he - should I - no, you know what, fuck it, Eddie, ignore this, that’s too much, you can not unpack all of this, just move on. Brush it off!“
Just watch his face ya’ll, it’s great! (He will be talking to Frank about this, I know it.)
Sidenote: Also Eddie in 3.15 / 3.15. / 3.17 / 3.18 > any other Eddie, and no, I do not take criticism. That boy has always been fine but the military hair cut or what ever is doing things to me as do his happy eyes and the smiles - my god, the smiles!
It does seem significant though the way the show focused so heavily on Buck’s reaction and - as it had been the case since „Eddie Begins“ - we basically don’t see Eddie without Buck and that’s weird. That feels pointed and important, the fact that after realising, who his family is, Eddie basically never leaves Buck’s side if they are at work.
Also the way Chimney and Bobby look at each other in between, yeah, again, making fun of Christopher’s dads! Like, even if you don’t read this as Buddie, you cannot not read this scene as somewhat confirming the „Buck is Christopher’s other parent“-thing. And I know I answered an ask on Tuesday(?) where I said he wasn’t really but yeah, he is getting there. The whole season spent a lot of time focusing on Buck’s relationship with Christopher and even if it isn’t about Buddie, I still think it will cause trouble in Season 4 if Eddie begins dating again, specifically Chris’ teacher.
I also need to talk about Eddie and control, because like I said in part 4 Eddie needs to learn to let go of Christopher a little which is what we see here happening, specifically through the lens of making Buck even more overprotective than Eddie to really cement the fact in all our minds that Eddie is trying to let his son have some freedom. I am so proud of him, you guys! He just signed up for the worst two weeks of his life, he will be dying on the inside out of concern and Buck will pester him every two seconds about whether or not Chris is fine. This is why these three haven’t been to Disneyland, ya’ll! Eddie wouldn’t be able to handle it without murdering either Buck or himself. I’m sorry.
And speaking of how the episode is cut:
One thing I love about 911 is the way it always makes me consider new character pairings and connections I myself would have never thought of, in the context of this episode: Athena, Josh - and Eddie.
And look, the Athena and Josh thing is daunting enough but you can probably still catch my train of thought, because both are recent victims of assault and the episode shows them dealing with trauma and confronting their attacker, even though in Athena’s case it was just theoretical. But now you’re probably wondering, okay, why Eddie?
Well, for starters, what the episode made me realise, whether on purpose on not through cutting from scene to scene is how many similarities there are between Eddie and Athena, both of them always trying to be in control, both of them more prone to violence / more okay with violence than the others, both soft underneath, both with a tendency to let anger take over, both considered to be extremely capable, both with an intense need for control, both straight talker.
And now I will obviously not pretend that letting your child go to sleep away camp for two weeks is similar too confronting your assailant who beat you up, but still: facing fears and letting go of control vs. finding different ways to regain control is the theme for these three in the episode (or this Season in Eddie’s case) and I like it.
I really like what they did with Athena in general in this episode, because, while I don’t think we will see her as a civilian in Season 4, I am confident they will address her trauma and PTSD - especially if they only do a short time jump of say three months and not jump all the way to January / February which is when it might air if we’re lucky.
And I do think the comparison between her and Josh is very nicely done as both characters did the whole brushing it off / moving forward / I am not fazed by any of it thing, as we as viewers clearly saw what utter bullshit this was.
Which of course connects nicely to Mr. „Brush it off and move on“ who has spent a whole season learning to not just move on but to talk about it. A lesson he might have learned? At least that’s what the episode made me think, from the way he came to Buck / the firefam to talk about Christopher and camp to the way he so clearly tried to get Buck to open up about Abby. Jup, that is some motherforking growth right there!
I also wanna say hi to Brooke Shields and say I hope we see her again, cause her character seemed interesting!
And I do appreciate Athena herself addressing the fact that she messed up a little by not calling for back-up right away. This is not meant in a victim blaming way, I just think Athena is very used to handling everything on her own and not asking for help and it is interesting to see how that changes, now that it has backfired on her once.
And now we are getting into the Abby of it all and if anyone reading this is anti Buddie or severely pro Abby this is the moment to either leave or scroll down some more, because ya’ll I won’t really hold back!
(I think.)
I wanna begin by saying, uhm, Abigail, honey? Can you not read what is written on Eddie’s and everyone else’s helmets? Yes, he is from the 118, it literally says so on like every article of clothing he is wearing, omg!
(Writers, do better, that made an already unlikeable character seem downright stupid.)
Now it is very interesting, that the first person we see Abby interact with directly from the main cast (I’m counting the phone call with Maddie as indirectly) is Eddie who doesn’t know who Abby is but who is close enough to Buck to know the second he sees her who she is. The episode spends just as much time focusing on his reaction to Abby as 3.15 did on Buck’s reaction and tbh that feels … fairly non platonic. Of course we can always go back to „Stuck“ and remember what Hen said about Tatiana but still. That was one scene, here we have several scenes highlighting Eddie’s reaction to Abby and just, what do you want me to do with this, Tim?
I mean, the meeting scene literally goes like this:
Eddie *talking to Abby* > cut to Buck, coming closer > Buck: „Abby?“ > cut to both Abby and *Eddie* > Abby: „Buck?“ while the camera is still on her and Eddie > cut to just Eddie’s face having a realisation > cut to Buck
That is some very extreme focus if we’re being honest.
Also her panic reminds everyone of Buck in 3.15, right? The way she is screaming, disregarding her own safety, all desperate to get to her fiancé. Yeah.
I like how Eddie lets them talk and then steps in when he realises Buck is too shocked and only then rushes off, nearly touching Buck. Too be honest I didn’t realise his hand didn’t make contact until I saw some gifs of the scene.
Also the way Oliver plays this scene? The whole scene is so painful and I love it a lot, his whole delivery is so very painful, from the way he says „We’ll find him.“ to the „Um, what’s his name?“ to the „No. Oh. Don’t worry about it.“ because you can actually see him go through all the emotions from devastation to being so very pissed off and then locking that shit down!
Listen, I know it was teased that Buck had to grapple between being a professional and his personal feelings and I think this episode is him being a professional, because this is Buck and Buck cares so for Buck being a professional means risking his life for some guy on the train, regardless of his promise and who he is engaged to.
Sidenote: This episode really brought home why Eddie is a firefighter and not a paramedic, because his bedside manner is shit. „This is gonna hurt a little“. Way to downplay, dude!
Also, while I do love the idea of Buck getting to be Captain one day, I think this episode shows why he won’t be. Because even when he is being professional and having great ideas Buck still cares too much and is unable to make the hard decisions. Compare it to Eddie, who, yes, does say „If we have to choose“, but also is willing to make the choice. Because sometimes you have to. (And now I’m crying a little and oh my, this is why I do not work in any job that has me make such decisions because I could not imagine living with myself if I did.)
I do think however Buck did good, from the way he talked to Sam being his usual self and all.
I’m also such a fan of smart Buck and him standing up for himself with Bobby because he doesn’t get to do this often enough and because it is important for him as a character to learn to trust his own judgement and not depend so much on Bobby’s approval. So yay, my baby is growing up!
(Also, obviously Bobby’s worry was also about Buck and not just Athena, we’ve had half a season of Bobby doing the most to „protect“ Buck, mostly against his will, so I really like that Buck got to do the rescue his way in the end, because it shows growth on both sides.)
Now, Eddie and his dramatic reaction in this scene, first of all:
I wanna take a moment to remember the fact that Edmundo Diaz, my main man, my love, my absolute ray of grey sunshine, apparently lacks any kind of self-awareness - or he would stop acting all high and mighty around Buck because the second Buck is out of view he like, drops any pre-tense of having critical thinking skills or something akin to self-preservation and does the next thing that enters his bird brain no matter the consequences. So a moment of silence for Hen, Chimney and Bobby and all they had to go through in the 6/7 months between Buck getting crushed by a ladder truck and coming back to work, because Buck? They can at least make fun of. Or tell him: yo, bro, you being stupid!
You can’t do that with Eddie - because when Eddie does stupid he gone nearly die but like in a heroic way where he still ends up saving himself and you have to be impressed. Urgh, the nerve!
So, you know what, how about, Mr. Edmundo Diaz, you do not judge Buck for wanting to save people and risk his own life UNTIL WE HAVE FORGOTTEN ABOUT YOU CUTTING THAT MOTHERFORKING ROPE? Got me? Thanks. (I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed, dude.)
(But then again EVERY MOTHERFORKING CHARACTER ON THIS DAMN SHOW SUFFERS FROM CRAZY STUPID DISEASE and no, I do not take any criticism.)
Also I loved Eddie’s dialog and how clearly the whole thing about the promise slipped out if the way his hands closed are anything to go by (or was he imagining punching some sense either into himself or Buck because in both cases: Call Frank, Eddie!). Anyway the way he just left, like, „I can not deal with ya’ll’s stupidity, I am leaving!“ has me shook! That is the top tear entertainment I expect from my favourite show and I love them for it!
I do love how both Buck and Eddie are in protector mode in this episode, Buck with Sam and Abby and Eddie with Buck, especially because if we’re being honest, which we are (this is a safe space ya’ll), Eddie is the one being far more unprofessional! For his standards, of course.
But this is the closest Eddie has come to showing some form of violence since 3a viewed chronologically (because 3.15 happened mostly in the past) yet Buck is just being is usual too caring self. It’s telling and it’s interesting and I’m just gonna say one thing:
„No one is good when it’s personal.“ - because for Buck with Sam it isn’t really personal (though that won’t hit him until later) but for Eddie it kinda is because he is worried about Buck. (And now I did spell it out! But, oh well, I did say we were gonna do some Buddie right around here!)
Sidenote: what exactly was the meaning / reason of that phone call between Abby and her stepdaughter? We already knew Sam had children and from the was she was looking outside they could have had her just see Buck and step out of the tent to watch the rescue, so why do it this way I ask? Why this incredibly unnecessary phone call that felt so very awkward?
Also I am not gonna talk about that scene right now, because I get mad every single time!
So I will just leave a link to what I’ve said about this scene so far here *and* give you the notes I took on this scene:
ALWAYS READY TO DIE
godless heathen of a man he makes me so angry i hate him i hate this show I wanna leave
EVAN BUCKLEY LOOKS GOD IN THE EYES AND SAYS NAH BRO NOT TODAY
(It’s not like his suicidal tendencies are relevant to this meta anyways because like I said a few paragraphs ago: The whole firefam has them! )
Also, for the first time ever: here is a picture I took while watching the show because what are these two extras doing? Why are they touching like that? Who are they and will we see them again? Does my brain get easily distracted by completely unrelated things?
Anyways, the way Buck answers Sam „She’s down there waiting for you.“ when he asks for Abby and his „Good to meet you Sam.“ really brings home how none of his behaviour was about Abby and all about Buck being Buck. (And now I am angry at him again, urgh, THE NERVE! Selfless fucking himbo!)
I really liked that Sam knew who Buck was and that they got to have this little interaction where he probably reevaluated the whole night because that boy just risked his life for him, the guy marrying his ex-girlfriend, and has spent the whole night being so very nice to him and talking to him. Not gonna lie, Buck is a good guy through and through and Sam probably feels like shit now.
Also Eddie coming to stand in front of Buck - I know some people think it was out of protectiveness, which got me thinking:
Tbh at first I was convinced it was a camera angle thing? Because if Eddie stood behind Buck we wouldn’t really see him. Then I thought, so why choose this angle to film it? Obviously the set had to be built a certain way so was there no other way to do it? Also why was it even important, that we saw Eddie arrive like that, couldn’t they have just changed the angle after Abby was gone to get Eddie in the frame? Why was it important that we knew that Eddie was there and 1) was putting himself physically between Abby and Buck meaning 2) that when Abby leaves with her single father, Buck is left with his single father? Why does an episode that is supposed to give Buck closure focus so much on the reactions of his non romantic partner?
(Because tbh, even if they needed to find ways to use Ryan Guzman in this Episode without adding too many scenes, they could have done it with less focus on Abby. I say this as a Buddie shipper who does recognise how important the connection Buck and Eddie have as friends is: storyline wise Bobby would have made more sense in most of these scenes and Eddie could have been used in a different way.)
I’ll leave this scene with the very nice visual of Buck running back to the traincrash and Eddie following him. These two. Like magnets.
And a quick topic change, because I do wanna talk about Michael and Doctor Hale as well in this meta, one because I found them very cute and two because I’ve now talked to a few people about Ana and Eddie and while we by now know she will probably be in Season 4, I feel like we need to compare Michael and Doctor Hale vs Eddie and Ana. Because there is such a difference in the way these love interests where introduced.
Now, of course we need to realise that Eddie and Michael are fairly different characters and Michael has way less relationship related baggage than Eddie has which is why he goes after what he wants way faster (also, carpe diem, he just found out he won’t die). Also of course, there is no moral component to address in Michael dating some doctor vs. Eddie dating his son’s teacher, but still:
Michael and Dr. Hale had one scene together and it wasn’t even overly flirty and yet, we knew where it was heading, we felt the chemistry and everyone ended the episode saying: I ship it, more of that - which they did give us, just *one* episode later. They had some awkward moments, yet the show never left a single doubt in your mind where this is heading.
Now look at Eddie and Ana:
Sidenote: I do wanna say be kind to the character and no hate, especially not to the actress! Yes, she needs to be flashed out more; no, what we saw so far does not make me ship them; no, I do not mind if they dated a little.
First of all we learned more about Doctor Hale in the two short scenes than we did about Ana in four scenes. That seems deliberate.
Second, while we do realise Eddie thinks Ana is attractive from the get go she repeatedly shuts him down by pointedly saying „Mr. Diaz“.
Third, every scene between them - and I mean every single scene - is connected to Buck in some way:
In „Fools“ we cut from Buck saying he likes being single to Eddie doing parent-teacher conference and yes, meeting some other teachers first but also Ana, showing us that while Buck is fine with being single - Eddie might not be. Also, Carla’s „blue eyes“ line which is a little clown-y, so take it with a grain of salt that it could connect us to Buck
Then of course her next scene is Eddie getting in her face about Christopher being hurt. Later in the episode we see Buck reference this on a call, meaning either Carla or Eddie told Buck about it (I am leaning a little toward Carla making fun of Eddie in front of Buck and Eddie then having to come clean about all of it, because I cannot wrap my head about the idea of Eddie telling Buck about having a crush, I’m sorry.)
Her next scene is Eddie coming to apologise to her and she gives her speech about limitations - which we can of course connect to Buck and Eddie talking about Christopher and his limitations before that and then afterwards going skateboarding with them. (It does feel a little deliberate.)
And then of course we have „Eddie Begins“ and you guys, they could have very very easily have either Carla or Buck make a joke about Mrs. Flores and Eddie’s crush in the firehouse scene, but they didn’t! And then we do get to see her at the end where she has one whole line and Eddie barely looks at her and you know what happens? They have a child ask the same question Buck asked at the beginning, making us think of Buck. Like, it would have been enough to establish Eddie doesn’t feel like a hero if the question was asked only once - twice in the span of 45 minutes constitutes a callback, meaning we are supposed to think of the other scene and that means thinking about the other person that asked, which was Buck
And yes, once Season 4 premieres and we get Eddie and Ana in this epic romance because Tim Minear wants to be the next Rick Berman, I will go back to this meta and beat my own ass. Or something.
(Listen, her returning in Season 4 does not mean endgame or the end of Buddie, it just means Eddie might get a love interest. Tbh I actually think it could get us closer to Buddie and you know what, I’m just gonna link all my Ana Flores posts here here and here now so you can read all the other stuff I, alongside some other people, said on this topic, if you’re interested because none of this has a point right now.)
Now, let’s get into the meat of things and talk about *that* scene:
Was it a good apology? No.
Did Buck deserve better? Fuck yes.
Did he get closure? Yes.
Is the way that scene was done actually perfect? I mean, ya’ll, yes? A little?
Listen, this scene was always about closure and that’s what Buck got here and that’s what Buck needed.
Buck, who in Season 1 had described Abby as the perfect woman, needed it to go down like this so he could realise she wasn’t and he could finally let her go. And that’s what it was about!
Obviously looking at Abby’s character this episode does not make her look good, like not at all and I’d be very surprised if we ever saw her again. But looking at it from Buck’s point of view it was exactly what he needed. (Not what he deserved, but yeah, if this show was about what Buck deserved it would be a whole lot different and Buddie would be canon by now.)
One thing I really loved about the scene was the way it was filmed, with LA in front of us, Abby and Buck with their backs to the camera and us only ever seeing them in profile, because it was a private moment and this sort of made you feel like you were intruding. Like you were listening in on a conversation and I liked that a lot.
Also I think her speech about losing herself through helping people is very interesting because it contrasts her to Buck. Buck found himself in helping others and lost himself when he was no longer allowed to do that and I think that is what she means when she says she would have lost herself with him again. Because Buck is selfless and he is so selfless he inspires others to be the same, except Abby isn’t but being with Buck she would need to be and that is a problem.
Look, if you’ve followed this blog at all or maybe just read part one of the meta you have probably guessed by now that I don’t like Abby. I found her character boring. I thought she overstepped all the time. I got so mad at her for the way she treated Buck in Season 1!
Because in 1.06 she *actually* complains about him being too thoughtful and scared of messing up while calling him a *toy boy*. The truth is, after 1.05 and their first meeting, Abby no longer takes him seriously. She hardly ever takes his feelings into consideration. The relationship, from Valentines Day onward becomes all about what she wants and what she needs and our Buck is the selfless idiot who gives her his all.
I mean, she never even talked to Buck about wanting to leave, just presented him with her decision and then lived her life and never thought about him again.
And like, I think she is wrong if she thinks she’d have lost herself with him again, because Buck was what showed her that she lost herself in the first place. He helped her on the path of self-aquaintance (I guess? I’m lacking the word here), but she is right if she means the relationship wouldn’t have worked.
Because one of them would have lost themselves, though I do think it would have been Buck and not Abby. After all, Buck was the one who gave everything up from the get go and yes, Abby helped trigger him finding himself alongside Bobby and the job and she did help him stay on that path in the beginning - but in the end it was never about her at all. It was about him and him alone and the amazing person he had always been.
And I think that is what Buck realises in the scene. Despite Abby ghosting him, he still looked at her through rose coloured glasses and with fondness, but here, he realises, oh, Abby isn’t perfect. Abby isn’t like the woman I made her out to be. Abby never really cared about me. And as much as that probably hurt, this is what Buck needed to let go of her!
He needed to see that Abby wasn’t the perfect woman so he could let her go - and find himself the perfect person, someone who reciprocates and doesn’t just take. (Am I crying?)
(And look, I am not saying he already found someone like that, someone who proved in this episode how much they care about Buck and his feelings and making sure he comes home every night to his family - I’m saying he found someone who is working on being that person!)
Let’s talk about Eddie and Abby for a second, again, okay?
(Bro, how did I just get to that topic? So random! *laughs in Buddie*)
When I watched the episode my second time to take notes, I wrote one that said ‚Abby and Eddie parallels / lawsuit‘ - and I gotta be honest I barely remember what I meant. But I did still produce some thoughts (just not sure if that was where I was going with the note, so if anyone has some other ideas, please share):
You know how Abby talks about losing herself when she is with Buck? Well, I know someone who lost themselves just this season because he wasn’t with Buck! (Jup, we’re back with the lawsuit, ya’ll really thought I wouldn’t bring this up? You guys! More than 20000 words and you still don’t know me!)
It’s a very nice parallel to have Abby talking about losing herself with Buck when we saw Eddie losing himself without Buck. Because while I think Eddie himself is a selfless person just like Buck, similar to how Buck needed Abby in Season 1 as a catalyst of change so to speak, Buck was the catalyst of change for Eddie.
I talked a lot in the other parts about Eddie having problems with voicing his needs and feelings - and now please once again look at his relationship with Buck. Because here he has been doing this, not from the get go of course, Eddie didn’t take one look at Buck and his whole life was turned upside down (that was Buck looking at Eddie), but I think Buck steamrolling through Eddie’s life helped Eddie find himself. Buck, from the get go, is a calm centre for Eddie, an anchor, even after he reconnects with Shannon. Buck is who he turns to in a crisis, who he trusts with his son, with having his back.
And I think in both cases - Abby and Buck as well as Eddie and Buck - the relationship is brought to the next level through Buck’s selflessness and willingness to help. But while Abby just takes it and doesn’t really see it as the gift it is and never fully lets Buck in, Eddie does the opposite. Eddie, whether knowing or unknowing, makes himself exactly what Buck needs: someone who puts trust in him, who treats him like an equal, who opens his home and his family to him. And he also tries (and this is a big thing considering who we’re talking about right now) to be there for Buck, to be his anchor just like Buck is his - which obviously works with mixed results, because one person, no matter how hard they try can never fix the problems of someone else alone. Believe me. I’ve tried.
And wow, did that get deep and fast! Damn ya’ll and I haven’t had a drop of alcohol in like 5 days. This show really gives me all the feels!
Now, to keep me and maybe ya’ll from crying I’m gonna change the subject and talk about something else, also known as the rest of the episode:
To go back to the start of the episode, Buddie really had some extreme couple / family vibes going on, especially with Christopher in the mix. It’s telling that they included a scene of Buck and Christopher specifically and it was to remind us once again that these two have a strong bond.
I won’t go all: Buddie confirmed, this is were we are heading, ya’ll! Because as you must have realised by now I am fairly cautious when it comes to this and am always fighting to keep my own clownery at bay, but I do have to say so far nothing in this show and Season 3B specifically has read as a red flag for me, disapproving the possibility or making me feel queerbaited. Now, maybe I am just very off in my intuition and they will change gear in Season 4, but well, right now I have some hope!
I also loved the scene of Christopher going to camp and the card which reminded me of 3.01 and also, Eddie looks so good here! And he came so far, letting his son go to camp and all!
Of course I would have loved to see Buck there as well, but one, that would have been a Buddie confirmed and we’re not quite there yet and I’m glad cause right now they aren’t fully ready (in show terms, fanfiction is something different), and two this proves what I said about Buck and Christopher being connected and him having parental / fatherly feelings toward the boy but like, not being his actual father yet! Buck loves Chris and Chris loves Buck and obviously he is part of the Diaz family - but he also isn’t.
(Also: I went to something like camp when I was 11 and you think both my parents brought me? Nah, son, they didn’t. My dad brought me while my mom made breakfast.)
Now, some sidenotes to round it all off:
Karen is a gift and I really hope we see more of her because omg, I wanna be her friend, I wanna be her wife, I wanna learn about life from her! She is awesome and I will never fully forgive Hen for cheating on her, like girly, Eva isn’t even close to Karen on any level?
And speaking of Hen, I love the subplot of Chim coming to terms with her potentially leaving and deciding to help her because he was who she really needed on her side - not anyone else. I’d write a meta on their relationship but tbh it’s so consistent and unproblematic, I really don’t know what to write except: goals about 10000 times. Which isn’t that different to me finding new ways to write THE CONNECTION, if we’re being honest but oh well! Now it’s too late to stop that!
I loved Athena getting spooked by Bobby showing up behind her when she was getting a drink - talk about this show finally addressing the trauma these characters go through! And it only took, oh well, about 35 episodes. Let’s hope that is the energy they bring into Season 4.
Now the apology scene with Bobby, I do hate how Buck is once again the one apologising and especially since it’s with Bobby but I do think it was a nice scene and a great callback to 3.01. Also this episode showed a lot of growth in Bobby and Buck’s relationship. Because after 3a was all about Bobby projecting onto Buck and making decisions for him based on what he thought was the right thing, this episode not only had Buck standing up to Bobby in a healthy and adult way (no lawsuit this time!) but also Bobby giving in and letting Buck make the decision even if he disagreed. That is some motherforking growth right here and Babe, I hope you are not to disappointed with me, but if they keep Bobby like this I might actually begin to see his appeal to people (still need him to suffer the consequences of his actions, though).
But to end on a great note:
Buck is doing okay and - most importantly - MADNEY BABY!!! You guys, we knew it was coming from the promos and all but I cried! I cried so hard! I am so happy for them! These two soft characters and their amazing, open, caring, trusting, adult relationship deserves all the luck in their fictional universe!
Whew, you guys! We’ve done it! And it’s longer than Season 2 (I’m sorry, are ya’ll surprised? This episode was a lot!)
I feel like I should write some form of conclusion to this whole meta and yet my words elude me. Here are the few I have for you though:
This meta began with the idea that neither Buck nor Eddie really knew how to be emotionally intimate with a person and instead used sex as a substitute. This is no longer true for either character.
Buck has learned through his relationship with Abby, that he can be both physically and emotionally intimate with a person and he has proven how this is still true in his reaction to Taylor and his relationship with Ali, what little we saw of it. Furthermore Season 3B specifically showed that Buck, while still afraid to open up to people, is trying. I do think Season 4 is heading toward some kind of romance for him and while I am praying to several deities I do not believe in and the universe itself that it is Eddie, I am not sure. I hope so. But never the less, my shipping aside, Buck has grown tremendously in the course of 3 Seasons and I am so impressed both with his character and the way the show has so realistically done it. I love him. Even more than Buddie I hope we get to see him truly happy in Season 4, happy and settled and learning what life actually holds for him because that kid could rule the world if he wanted to.
Now, Eddie: It’s funny, when I began this meta I felt more connected to Buck, I didn’t really see myself in Eddie, I barely had a grasp on his character at times. Now? Now he is my favourite, I love his greyness, his goodness despite his faults, the way he always struggles with himself to do better, to be better because it doesn’t come naturally to him, because it has been taught to him to do the opposite. And that is so impressive. I love the growth we saw in him, the evolution, the fight to be a better man than his own role-models and I love especially how all of this was motivated by and for his son. He truly loves him more than life itself and I am so impressed with 911 subverting something that feels like a very female storyline by giving it to a man.
But of course Eddie isn’t done yet and Eddie still struggles with intimacy and opening up but he is getting there. Through Frank and Buck and for Christopher he is fighting and he is getting there and I love that for him and about him! He deserves to be happy in Season 4 just like Buck, but mostly he deserves to be at peace with himself!
And I already talked at length about Ana and their potential and linked what I thought didn’t fit in here, so I will not bore you by repeating myself and just say: wait. Wait and see. Maybe the show will surprise us. Maybe it won’t. Maybe corona will kill us all before we have a chance to see Season 4. Maybe we are in the Matrix and the blue pill is a metaphor for being trans. Life is strange!
Also on a more personal note I wanna say thank you to everyone who has read and liked and reblogged and commented. I love all of you. Your support and trust in what I am saying has meant a lot and will mean just as much in the future and I do hope I get to do this again in like a year once they return!
(Also, not to sound needy but another reminder to please reblog and comment? Because I *am* actually writing this because I really wanna talk about the show and my feelings and your thoughts and you know, that can only happen if ya’ll do some reblogging)
(Or come to my ask if you are more comfortable being even more anonymous, I don’t judge - I NEVER ask question any other way!)
In diesem Sinne: hamma wieder was gelernt, recht herzlichen Dank für Ihre Aufmerksamkeit und auf Wiedersehen!
Also, of course, the tagging:
@chimbuckleys @angelcamael @greyhello @the-family-we-choose-118 @ipleiade @sevensoulmates
#buddie#evan buckley#eddie diaz#buddie meta#buck meta#eddie meta#911 meta#911#911 fox#meta#textpost#mine#season 3#my meta
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Surrounded in the overcoat that Aloe had given him, Mint's trembling hadn't subsided. Even as he was gently guided into the room Sandwich had told them to go into... The fear that the scene had instilled in him shook the poor violinist to his core. So much red... He felt the need to wretch even as the atmosphere became clean. Homely, even. Moving without seeing, lost in his terror-fueled haze, he was gently nudged into a chair and sat at a small table with Aloe kept behind him. Though he wasn't paying attention, he could feel the presence of the other behind him.
"I am sure you are startled, but..." Aloe settled a hand upon Mint's shoulder, attempting to find the right words. The musician laid his head against it, shivering against how cold it was compared to the heat of his panic. It was almost grounding in how much of a difference it was to his system... Almost. "Know this state you are in is not permanent, at least... The fear, that is." Ugh, the researcher wasn't meant for this type of comforting- or any kind for that matter. Though, if they were to think of what Co would do...
Should they? It could be invasive, cause something worse to occur, even spur on thoughts of the past they weren't entirely to trace back to. Then again, it was either this or have Mint get to the point of passing out or having his instincts go wild like them... And the very thought of Mint losing himself got the scientist to huff and close their compound eyes as they gently, and hesitantly, hugged the one that was so utterly shaken.
For the one who received it, the hug was... Something that he couldn't exactly register all too well. Despite how cold the taller happened to be, there was some quality that brought comfort that he hadn't felt in so, so long... Was it a touch that was meant to be something comforting? Secure? Safe? He didn't quite feel safe, but at least it was better than being left with nothing but himself and this coat to cling onto. "No harm will come to us here... So long as we remain calm..." The researcher murmured, voice just above a whisper. A moment, two, three passed before Aloe would remove themself from the other.
There was mainly silence that came over the room, save for Aloe's steps to sit across the quaint wooden table that the two would share. It seemed to be meant for two, as big as the room was. It was almost surreal... Such a warm place behind a gruesome coating of what was the cannibalistic nature the shop owner had. Having a moment of relative calm after such sudden and high amounts of panic were sure to leave some type of daze in the atmosphere...
...one that wouldn't be noted by the slamming open of the door and who else but Sandwich bursting through with her stacked plates of plate, sandwich, plate, sandwich, and Spinny upon her shoulder! Despite how solemn the both of them seemed- including the fear that Mint had due to the door opening so suddenly- Sammy grinned as she swiftly set the sandwiches down before the both of them. To the untrained eye, these sandwiches would look akin to normal meat and cheese sandwiches. Neither would dare ask where the cheese came from for this case.
Mint would silently pick up his sandwich, gaze settling on the white plate beneath it as he would eat the awful substance. His stomach growled quietly with his first bite as if it was reminded of what is required. He was oblivious to his own body's reactions at this point, mind staring sightlessly at the plate that showed his reflection. It was so similar to what it used to be, but the bags under his eyes were more than prominent. Huh... And here he thought he had gotten a good night's sleep. Oh well. At least he can eat in thoughtlessness.
"I certainly hope you two enjoy your meals! If you need, I can get some water for the both of you, too!" Sandwich's whole body tilted to the side as if she was curious about the response she would receive. Though Mint was lost in his head, Aloe quietly nodded as they took their food in one hand. As prim and proper as they are, their eating habits were... Less than that. At least they wouldn't speak with their mouth full. "That would be appreciated. Though before you do so-" Ah, they had caught the slicer before she went out the door. Too eager to serve, wasn't she? "I... I have a few questions about you and that doll of yours..."
"Doll? This is no plushie or anything of the sort! This is Spinny!"
"Right... I have a question about Spinny."
"Go on, then! Anything for a dear cursed customer!"
There was a gentle huff as Aloe would contemplate how to phrase such a question without offending the other party. She seemed in such denial that someone dear to her was gone. Though they couldn't help but admit that in the same situation, they wouldn't consider that someone to be 'gone', either. "So, I assume that something horrid had happened to Spinny, yes? Did it happen to be fatal?"
Sandwich's face twisted into something that had never been seen from her before. Was it disgust? Fear? Something along those lines... But it was quickly shrugged off for that ever-chipper smile and voice pitched for joyousness. "Well, kind of! She was a tasty snack that I was planning on planting for the sake of, ahaha, getting away with things! But this lovely lady offered to help me out of my despair! And repair Spinny into something she could live through again! And all it took was a small part of her and some sweet memories! Truffle is such a sweet lady, I tell ya!" That... most certainly caught the many-eyed scientist's attention. "And she was brought back to life? In this new d-... In this new, cloth-covered form?"
"Mhm!! Spinny is practically as good as new!" The server gently picked up the doll from her shoulder, holding her out in front of Aloe. They could see the little thing squirm, which was followed by Sammy laughing giddily and bringing her back to the shoulder of comfort. "She's super shy, but when alone with me, she acts just as she did before she became a little wacky snacky!" The prospect gave Aloe a glimmer of hope, eyes widening for a moment before they realized that there was likely more than meets the eye. Let the excitement die down before letting disappointment and despair consume them again... Though perhaps there could be some consideration, right?
Aloe let themself take a bite of their sandwich, body feeling a wave of relief over finally being fed properly, before swallowing and following up on the conversation. "So, if you happened to have such an encounter, would you happen to know her location?"
"Oh, of course! In fact, I visit her often! If you'd like to see her, you can even do something for me in exchange!"
"That seems entirely fair... What would that happen to entail, though? I would never accept a deal without knowing both ends of the offer." ...or if they happened to be in a state of desperation, accompanied by a 'this is the only way' mentality. They were lucky not to have such at this very moment, and that the deal would be as calm as it is. "All I ask is that you deliver something for me! I run a special sandwich over to her every other day or so as thanks, so! When you two head out, I'll give you instructions on some slip and a bag full of sandwiches for her!"
"Just a delivery, hmm? Understood. We will accept your offer... It is not as if we have any other means to spend the rest of our time today... Ah, what was the woman's name again?"
"Truffle! The widow! Though- ahaha- don't call her a widow directly unless you call her a spider! She loves those!"
"How fitting for someone sympathetic of us..." Spiders and mosquitos... The relationship between the two of them was glossed over by the researcher as their mind wandered to something far more hopeful. Obliviously faithful, one could say. Such as one could be for someone near and dear... Such as they would be for them... "I accept your offer. Now, ah, you are free to grab us water. Pardon for holding you up."
"No biggie, no biggie! Just enjoy your sammies!! I will be back! Incredibly soon! Faster than juice through a kid's silly straw!!"
#🎻 the court's conflicted#🌵 the rabid researcher#🥦 an adorable snack#🥪 the eccentric slicer#mint choco cookie#aloe cookie#spinach cookie#sandwich cookie#feastofcadavers#📝 written scriptures
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Camp NanoWrimo April 2021: Day 14
Word count: 1042 (14167 total)
“There, there we go…” said Finland as he placed the tray of soup and coffee on the coffee table that sat right in front of the couch. He’d also just gotten the fireplace burning, and he’d even gotten out his favorite blankets, draping one all over the micronation. “How do you feel? Comfy?” he asked, handing her the bowl of soup.
Visibly, Alleos snuggled in on the couch with the blanket. Kukkamuna also hopped up, eagerly perching herself at the micronation’s lap. “It’s very comfy. The soup and coffee smell wonderful. Thank you.”
With a somewhat bright smile, Finland picked up his own cup of coffee. “That’s good, I’m glad.” Then, a small stretch of silence overtook the two. The silence wasn’t awkward- at least not for Alleos, who was comfortably sipping at her soup.
For Finland, on the other hand, he couldn’t help but think: just what was going on with her? It was evident that she really wasn’t okay, and even though he didn’t want to pry his curiosity was gradually getting the best of him.
Finally, he spoke up, desperate to hear something, anything from the micronation regarding what had been going on since the drive. No, the accident, really: “H-hey, muru…” he got a nod of acknowledgement, which encouraged him to speak further and say everything that was on his mind. “I’m just… wondering, you know… have you really been alright since the accident? You’ve been very… off. Whatever it was that happened on the drive here, really doesn’t make me feel well…” as he spoke he could see her getting a little bit more tense. With a heavy swallow, he continued: “I see you’re tense, but… if I could hear anything I would feel better, you know?”
In response, Alleos gave him a cold, intense stare. “You know I don’t like to talk about how I feel…” Or rather, it was something that she and Finland had been working on; letting emotions out and talking about them if they were truly intense. “I’ve been… okay. Or as okay as you can get after an attack like that… it’s something only… other internet micronations would understand…” she visibly cringed as she remembered the messages exchanged between herself and Sweden. There was another internet micronation named Ladonia, who was a micronation in Sweden. Needless to say, she could only assume that she absolutely loathed the boy- and not in a playful manner. From the messages she’d seen, it was heavily implied that the two could actually be quite rough with one another. Sweden himself, however, she seemed to adore as more of an uncle or even father figure.
Noticing that he hit a bit of a sore spot, Finland let out a sigh as he nodded, deciding to let the topic go. “I see… yes, I do remember you and… him,” by ‘him’ he indeed meant Ladonia, “Aren’t the most friendly with each other…” rubbing his temples, he sighed. “I’m sorry… I do suppose you’re right, as I’m still learning technology along with you.” Letting out a soft laugh, he hoped to lighten the mood even just a little bit.
~~~
The last two days had been leisurely- or at least, as relaxing and leisurely as they could get for a certain Finn. He found himself worried no matter how many times Alleos would assure him. Yet, Alleos seemed to be acting as though nothing happened, which normally he would find assuring. Nonetheless, he opted to not voice any of his concerns and instead allow Alleos the relaxation she seemed to be getting.
Much to his surprise that day, there was a knock at the door. ‘Interesting…’ he thought, as the only ones who knew the whereabouts of the cabin were the rest of the Nordics.
And, much to his pleasant surprise, there was none other than Sweden standing outside the door!
“Oh, my wonderful friend! My best friend!” cheered the Finn as he hugged his friend the moment he recognized him.
Without hesitation, Sweden returned the gesture. Then, he pulled back, giving Finland a curt nod as he adjusted his glasses. “I hope you don’t mind.”
Eagerly, Finland shook his head as he invited his friend inside. “No, no, not at all! Make yourself at home.” Sweden took up the offer, lugging his suitcase behind him. Upon hearing the commotion, Kukkamuna decided to check it out, only to eagerly greet the Swede upon recognizing him as well.
Then, Finland’s eyes widened. “But… wait, didn’t you have this huge project to take care of?” Seeing the Swede’s eyes widen with exasperation as he rubbed the side of his face a bit, Finland nodded in understanding. “I see… it must have been frustrating. Well, I do hope you can take your time here to relax, and… oh! Alleos! I’ll notify her that you’re here,” he chirped, taking out his phone to relay the message to her.
Similar to Finland’s reaction, the second the micronation saw Sweden she hugged him. With the faintest of smiles tugging at his lips, he returned the gesture. There was a bright smile on her own face. “I thought you couldn’t come… but I’m glad you did.”
“I am, too,” mused the Swede. “Things worked out in the end, to keep it short. How do you feel?” Of course he had to check in with her. After all, ever since the accident, Finland had been keeping him updated on the micronation’s wellbeing. And, from what he had heard, well…
Alleos shot Finland a very, very brief glance before answering with the same smile adorning her face. “I’ve felt well. I’m very happy to be here, too. It’s pleasantly quiet, like I remember it being… the coffee always tastes better here.”
Pulling away and patting her on the shoulders, Sweden nodded with an amused look in his eyes. “Good. I am glad.”
And so again, Alleos found herself feeling… off. As she gazed into Sweden’s eyes, a feeling that was starting to become familiar was taking her over again. As much as she didn’t want to go through this again, only further raising concerns, she found that she couldn’t snap out of it. All she could do was succumb to this, and accept whatever was to come next.
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Something Sweet: Part Four
~sweeter smiles~
one ~ two ~ three ~ four ~ five ~ six ~ seven ~ eight ~ nine
pairing: minsung, jisung/minho
warning: mild language
words: 3.8k ish
summary: another week passes, and our boys still whipped? yeah. The boys get kicked out their apartment and go check out some busking, meeting up with some familiar faces.
a/n: Oof school kicked my ass and made it hard to post, anyway... here’s chapter 4
Text: Minho/Jisung
ao3 link
-------------------------------------------------------
After spending the majority of the last week curtains drawn, and grinding away on music in their apartment, it seemed that their manager had had enough of their vampiric like tendencies. She had effectively locked them out of their apartment until they promised to spend the day away from their respective producing/writing stations. Although Sana was a new addition to the trio's life, she had already solidified herself as not just a capable manager but a generally sweet and caring soul.
She made fast friends with Chan, bonding over their similar experiences coming to Korea as foreigners. Changbin had met her when he started at JJP and was glad that she was chosen to manage their group. And so Sana, after maybe too many incidents in the dark tripping over a blanket-wrapped Jisung, would regularly end up checking on more than just how they were doing musically with her visits. Her concern and worry for them as her new friends bleed into their everyday interactions. Whether it was bringing them take out after they had forgotten to eat, waking up Jisung from the floor to go to bed, or just asking how their days were, she always made the boys feel cared for. After years of only relying on each other, they all found it surprising but comforting to have her around.
So as the boys had been lovingly forbidden from working by their manager, they found themselves walking down the popular music-filled streets for busking and tourists.
“Wait what time did you say he was performing?”
“Innie said after one so we should still make it before he starts his set.” Changbin was leading them through the crowds, which was probably not ideal as the inches Bin lacked he made up in speed. Making 2racha’s life slightly harder as they attempted to not lose the shorter boy in the more crowded areas of the walkway. Passing countless acts and performers displaying their talents, reminiscent of how the rap trio had started out when they were still just high school students.
“I didn't think your brother would still be busking after highschool.” Chan mused from the back of the pack.
“I mean he got scouted from busking, so I guess it all paid off in the end.” Changbin mentioned the fact casually, but the proud ‘older brother’ smile on his face revealed his actual excitement. The three were poorly navigating the busy streets to support Changbin’s younger brother who had just been signed with an entertainment company and was on his way to enter their trainee program.
“Nah I get it, there's a different kind of energy performing in this setting. Sometimes I really do be missing busking every weekend.” Jisung had always been the one to only do what made him feel alive, and his first time busking in front of a crowd had him addicted to the feeling. It had given him something to look forward to in high school. And even now, years later he still anticipated the high that the applause from a crowd gives him.
“Oh, we should buy Jeongin a meal to congratulate him. I imagine he'll be training day and night soon.”
By the time they had made it to the area where Jeongin was set up he was already performing a popular ballad for a small crowd. Emotion flowing through the youngest’s voice as it surrounded all that listened. It wasn't a surprise that his passionate voice had been sought after by companies. The boy’s voice, light and dynamic, pulling the attention of all that were within earshot. And by the time the last note was released the three boys clapped and cheered as much as they could without completely making a fool of themselves.
Although 3RACHA weren’t exactly well known personalities to most of the public, the boys had found themselves getting recognized more and more, especially after their last concert. Their following had definitely expanded and those in the area had begun recognizing the rappers on the rare occasions they left their loft.
But even with their masks and hats on to somewhat hide their identities, the young singer still smiled with recognition and slight embarrassment at boys enthusiastic cheers.
---
Minho thinks that overall his week was pretty unextraordinary. Not much had changed, still working his same job, still spending his mornings practicing for their crew’s upcoming performances. Nothing felt specifically special in the way he performed and worked on the routines for their busking performance that weekend. Just following the choreographies he needs to. Going through the motions. This week seemingly identical to the last.
Almost identical. Minho couldn’t overlook how the addition of Han Jisung had improved his daily mood. Even with their respective busy schedules, the banter they were able to exchange lifted the weight of monotony on Minho’s heart. Jisung loved to tell him jokes and stories, in addition to their casual flirty conversations. The lightness of their conversations and the smile that was always lingering on Minho’s face was evidence enough that his encounters with the other had become the highlight of his day.
Even during practice, his roommates had begun to find the older more energetic and enthusiastic. Although the choreo they had been practicing had been the same for the past month, Minho’s movements had become even more fluid and dynamic, as if he was walking on air.
To Minho, dancing always felt like what he was meant to do. He couldn’t imagine living a life standing still or sitting at a desk job. Dancing was as natural as breathing, so natural that he often forgets to tell people that he dances. To him it was just assumed. He was human; he breathed. He was human, so he danced. Obvious right? But with his natural association he had with dance, and his desire to contain the complicated history he had with his dreams, Minho was not one to share his passions easily.
The Saturday morning had begun with the three dancers packed in their bathroom, all attempting to get ready in the closet size space they called a bathroom. Getting ready for their performances in the crowded bathroom had become a dance within itself for the boys, as they position themselves in front of the mirror so each has enough space to carry out their routines. Trading makeup brushes and hair dryers and hairspray cans in a way that, according to Felix, could win them Olympic medals.
“Hyung, will you pass me the hair spray?”
Minho obliged, handing the can to cross-eyed Felix that had been attempting to tame his bangs for the last 15 minutes.
“Damn, do you think there’ll be company scouts out today?” Hyunjin mused while trying to not smudge his eyeliner from his spot on the toilet seat.
“It's always a possibility, there'll be a lot of acts out today, so there is probably going to be some floating around.” Minho knew there were always some scouts in the audiences on busking days, but maybe the years of seemingly no company interest had numbed him to that fact. If anything, he was hoping to pick up a few bucks from the audience, and give their crew some more exposure.
“I guess it is a weekend, the crowds are always bigger these days. Lixie did you send in your tape for Shipstar Ent. that you were working on?”
“Yeah, I’m going to wait for their response before working on the JJP one”
“Those are small companies Lix, you got a strategy you aren’t sharing with us??” Minho nudged his elbow in his ribs, eliciting a giggle from the younger.
“Nothing special hyung, I just thought smaller companies might have smaller audition pools, more chance of landing a spot.” Even though the freckled boy had come to Korea for university, he was hoping to extend his stay as long as he could by landing a career as a dancer.
“You’ve always been the better strategist out of us. Minho-hyung usually only sends in like one tape a year.”
“There’s only one program I actually want to join anyway. But lately money is money, and I may just need to find a gig to pay our water bill.” Minho's smile reaches his eyes, but a part of his heart drops at the mention of his consistent re-submitted audition tapes.
“Are you going to send another tape for the academy this year, hyung? You got to the second round last time.”
Hyunjin asked an innocent question really, but Minho can't help but feel the wave of disappointment all over again. The first round of auditions was always a taped routine sent in by all the applicants, the second was an in person performance. A performance that last year, despite what he thought was a perfect execution of his chosen routine, had been met with a ‘Thank you, but-’ letter a week later.
“It’s a tradition at this point, and who am I to break a tradition.” The sarcasm drips from the statement fueled by Minho's bitterness toward his broken dream. But as always, as if just on queue with Minho’s declining mood, a series of notifications from his phone pulls him out of his thoughts.
[Rich Boy Han Jisung] 11:47 am Hyung guess what SANA LOCKED US OUT And Now were gonna end up getting lost Changbin is leading us somewhere :< His navigation skills are horrible If you dont hear from me, I was led to an untimely death by Seo Changbin Dont cry too much at my funeral :((
Oh no I'll remember you fondly And all the dates we never got to go on
najsdkkgfnadds Hold up you actually want to go on a date …... I will survive for you
Wait then I can't live that grieving widow aesthetic how am i supposed to grieve my not dead not husband now
we'll work something out but I get to take u on that date first not-husband >:)
---
The members of 3RACHA had listened to the rest of Changbin’s brother’s set. The young boy’s audience had grown to include highschool girls fawning over the boys adorable features and melodic voice. As well as older and middle aged women and men that were drawn to the nostalgic tambour of his voice as Jeongin performed trot and other crowd pleasing ballads. His youthful glow and image contrasting the maturity of his sound. After applause and ending statements, much of the crowd had dispersed to other surrounding acts. 3RACHA focused on congratulating and helping the younger tear down.
“You did great as always Innie” Chan awarded him with a pat on the back. Jisung echoed the sentiment with his busy rambling about how emotional the last performance felt.
“Thanks hyungs, I’m glad you were able to make it.”
“Of course! We wouldn't miss it”
“Yeah, it absolutely has nothing to do with our manager locking us out of our apartment.” Jisung earned himself a punch in the shoulder with that one. Jeongin laughed just the same, and looked grateful to have some familiar faces in the crowd.
“Don’t mind the idiot, we’ll always be here for you. If anyone tries to mess with you in training just tell them your older brother will beat them up.”
“But Hyung, you're shorter than me.”
“Doesn’t mean I won't bust some kneecaps for my baby bro though,” said Changbin, brushing off the obvious jab at his height.
“Yeah! No one’s touching our baby bread.” Chan looped his arm over Jeongin's shoulders, hand going for the boy's cheeks only to be swatted away.
“3RACHA aka the Kneecap Destroyers,ROLL OUT!!!” Jisung struck a couple vague superhero poses while making a swinging motion that was probably meant to symbolize some sort of lower leg destruction.
“Jisung, were not the Transformers please.” Still the smile on Jeongin’s face was worth any of the embarrassment Jisung could’ve felt from his shenanigans. -- A cheer erupted nearby from a large crowd that seemed to have just gathered. Loud upbeat music filled the air and the confident melody of a popular song began. The four boys, overcome with mutual curiosity, made their way to the edge of the crowd. A dance crew populated the middle of the crowd. Confident charisma and perfectly timed movements flowed from each of the dancers, as they pulled off a complicated and synchronized routine. Full of hip thrusts and body rolls, the cheers from the crowd solidified how each of the dancers grasped the attention of on-lookers without warrant.
The whole audience was entranced by the crew of a dozen dancers taking over the street. All of the dancers dressed in variations of a black and white ‘uniform’ full of leather, silk and lace, pulling off a look that was elegant, sexy, and powerful. Dressed to accentuate their body movements and draw in the attention of bypassers.
It was mid-song when Jisung was surprised to spot the familiar brown hair and sharp eyes of his current favorite waiter of Menu 98. Minho being a dancer had never crossed his mind as a possibility, but now that he has seen the older dance, Jisung couldn’t imagine anything more natural. Minho seemed to dance purely with charisma. The goofy and cute side of Minho that he had occasionally witnessed over text, seemed to be non-existent as the man in front of him performed to the crowd with raw charm and confidence.
Minho caught Jisung’s blatant stare, and a flash of recognition and something else appeared on his face, before a smirk overcame his features as he sent a wink the younger’s way. The confidence of the older overwhelming Jisung’s system as usual. Sure, they had been ceaselessly flirting over text for the past week, but as soon as he had to witness Minho’s confidence in person, there was no screen to hide the fact that Jisung was a blushing mess. As the heat of embarrassment rose up his neck, he continued to watch as the dancers ended their routine in a formation that elicited a loud cheer from the audience.
“Wow these guys are really good”
“Have they performed before?”
“Did you see the guy in the middle his shirts practically see through”
“Damn do you think he’d give me his number if I asked”
The voices from the crowd surrounded Jisung but his eyes were locked on his newly discovered dancer, Minho.
“Hey Ji, see something you like?” Changbin’s teasing was left unanswered as he followed Jisung’s gaze.
“Hey hyung, do you know that guy?”
“Yeah, He kinda looks familiar.” Jisung guessed he was familiar. Considering that, even though Chan and Changbin hadn’t recognized him as their waiter, the dancer in front of them had been the subject of his attention for the past week or so. Seeing him in person was nothing short of breathtaking. Being a little dramatic, as he often is, Jisung found him almost speechless. His breath only continued to fail him as Minho made his way over to Jisung and their small group.
“Hey Sungie, long time no see.” a shameless smirk spread across his face. Minho seemed to know exactly how he affected the younger.
Before Jisung could think of a more eloquent greeting he found himself blurting out the first thought that had crossed his mind, “I didn’t know you were- that you did- the- uh dancing.”
Minho laughed freely at the wide eyed expression that Jisung wore. Soft and cute and full of the same awe as a kid seeing his favorite TV character I person for the first time. “Seems I forgot to mention that in our introductions, Not gonna lie I didn’t think you would see me dance already...”
An expression Jisung couldn’t quite read fell over Minho’s face, along with the red tint of embarrassment. “Nononono, don’t worry really. I never asked! But I mean you looke- i mean were amazing, at dancing. Really you’re seriously talented. I can't believe you’ve never mentioned it before.”
The red on Minho’s ears grew to his face. “Oh, I’m sure you say that to all your drunken accidents.” Smirk returns in an attempt by Minho to regain his smug attitude.
“You weren't an accident! I was completely sober at the bar when I told you to hit me up.”
“I’m sorry Jisung what?” Chan seemed to be tired of trying to deduce who exactly the other was.
“Oh right, this is Minho-Hyung, he was the waiter I TIPSY-ily gave my number to that one time. But we both completely forgot about it, and then by some string for fate bullshit I ran into him before last week’s gig and the rest is history!” Some degree of understanding flashes across the other two rappers' faces, while the youngest is just listening intently to Jisung’s entertaining shenanigans.
“Mhm, ‘Ran into’, definitely not saw-and-followed,” said Minho, getting more smug by the minute.
Taking the obvious opportunity to tease the youngest Changbin’s eyes held a mischievous glint. “Hold on a second, is this who you’ve been texting non-stop all week. No wonder you’ve been so happy.”
“Hyung!”
“Yeah, your usual chaotic gay energies have been replaced with giggly soft Jisung, and its honestly been worrying me, but I mean the ballad came out really good so can’t complain” Chan added. The smug faces of the older two, only grew as Jisung groaned loudly, flailing his arms to hopefully silence them. Minho’s grin just met his eyes as he chuckled.
“Glad to hear that I’m inspiring you Sungie. Also, It’s nice to finally meet you, Chan and Changbin-ssi I’m guessing?” Minho bows slightly to them as they all exchange pleasantries. Jeongin adds on, introducing himself as Changbin's brother. Minho seems to recognize him, and is about to praise his earlier performance when a yell erupts nearby.
“Minho-hyung!!! There you are, Lixie was looking for you. Looks like I beat him though.” Realizing he seemed to have interrupted something, Hyunjin bowed to the others shyly. Introducing himself to the others until his eyes laid on Jisung. “Wait, hyung! Isn’t he the cutie you’ve been talking to all week! Jisung-ah~ you remember me rightttt?”
Minho’s face deadpans at record speeds. “Yes Jinnie thank you. Shouldn't you be looking for Felix”
“Nope I’m right here.” Felix, seeming out of nowhere, emerges right behind his eldest roommate. “Hi everyone, I’m Felix.” Freckles out, smile bright, cute little wave, the classic Felix introduction that makes everyone fall for him. No one can resist the boy’s eye-smile-and-freckled-cheek combo.
“Felix!” Hyunjin wrapped himself around his roommate, pointed animatedly to introduce the others, even though he himself had just learned of their names seconds ago. “Hehe, and that’s Jisung! He’s the one who came into Sweet Lotus asking for Min-hyung’s number.”
“Sweet Lotus, huh?” Chan’s eyebrows rose at the name of the notorious bar, glacing at Jisung for an explanation.
“Hyung, what’s that?” Jeongin whispers quietly to his brother, only to be immediately answered by Hyunjin.
“Oh! It’s the host bar/club not too far from here. Nothing special, a normal bar really, just with prettier bartenders and some nice company if you can afford it.” Hyunjin threw a wink at the youngest, earning a glare from his brother.
“Jinnie’s a bartender, can you tell,” Felix giggles along with the others' antics.
"Hehehe. I’m sure you all would love it.” Hyunjin directed his attention to Jisung, “Hey, you should bring your friends next time Jisung-ah. I'd love to be able to have served all the members of 3RACHA. Ya know when you’re famous, I’ll have a story to tell the tourists.” Leaning in to ‘whisper’, “If you do, I'll let you know when Minho-hyung is working~” Jisung went full red at that comment. Hyunjin smirked so hard it looked like it would hurt.
“Jin, you have no shame.” Minho, after glaring at his roommate, turned toward Jisung and the other members of 3RACHA. “I’d apologize that this is how you had to be introduced to my roommates, but they’re like this all the time. Anyway, as he was saying, you guys are always welcomed to the bar, and it's really not as promiscuous as Hyunjin over here is insinuating. He enjoys being a tad over-dramatic.” His eye roll obvious.
Chan laughs, “No worries, Minho-ssi we’re honored by the invitation, truly. And It's nice to finally meet you properly-"
"Or at all. If we hadn't run into you, we probably would never be introduced. You've been Jisung's best kept secret. He's always hiding away his phone whenever we ask him what he's doing. All we hear is him giggling in his little corner and- "
"Okay!! Would you look at the TIME. It appears that 'Embarrass Jisung Time' has officially passed, and we should be on our way." About ready to turn away and hide his face further into his hoodie, Jisung's eyes catch Minho’s. He finds it is hard for him to believe the face on the other side of their conversations could actually be more beautiful than he remembered. Jisung knew that if they had been talking face to face and not over text, he would've had a pretty hard time forming sentences with the way Minho's soft but intense gaze was directed at him.
“Well it was good to see you again, even if it wasn’t planned.” A full blinding smile interrupts the gaze Minho held with Jisung.
“Yeah, likewise. It was nice getting to meet your roommates too.”The sweet gaze between the two is anything but subtle, but if any of their respective friends noticed the shift in atmosphere, it went unacknowledged.
“I’ll text you later okay?”
“Ye-yeah, okay”
They exchange ‘goodbyes’ and Minho attempts to wrangle his roommates away from the others, before they find more ways to embarrass him.
Out of earshot, “Holy shit, Minho-hyung we just met 3RACHA. I’m losing my mind. I hope they think we’re cool. Wait did they see our performance then? Oh my god. They definitely saw our performance.” An embarrassed look flashed across his face.
“Lix chill, your performance was perfect as always. Just try and not embarrass me so much next time”
“Aw hyungie~ did we embarrass you in front of your crush.”
“Hold up NEXT TIME?” ---
“...Well how about we’ll pretend that your heart eyes weren’t painfully obvious, and you pay for chicken?” Jeongin purposes cheekily.
“...mhm deal.” Clearly still in some state of shock still, Chan starts to lead Jisung and the rest of the group toward the nearest restaurant.
“Bro, you're so gone already.” Changbin shakes his head but holds a fond smile for the other. It had been awhile since their youngest trio member had smiled so much, and in turn had been equally inspired. Both of his hyungs had noticed the uptick of Jisung’s productivity, and, if anything, were glad to finally have met the reason for his smile.
-----
one ~ two ~ three ~ four ~ five ~ six ~ seven ~ eight ~ nine
#stray kids fic#stray kids#kpop fanfic#minsung#leeknow#lee minho#skz#skz fic#han jisung#skz han#skz leeknow#idk thx
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Dare To Forget Me
Ch. 22: Repercussions
/ Previous chapters /
Fandom: Law & Order SVU
Pairing: Rafael Barba x Original female character
Warnings: Due to the nature of the series’ plots, I do have to rate this as ‘mature’ for constant mentions of rape.
~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ` 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~
Chapter Summary: After Montserrat's birthday, there is much to deal with and discuss...if she and Rafael could ever find a way not to end up arguing each time.
When Montserrat finally returned home, it was the morning after her birthday. By that point, many things had happened. She, for one, no longer wore her heels and had no desire to see anything but her bed. Kara, on the other hand, had gotten over her initial anger with Montserrat for leaving her birthday party unannounced. Course Montserrat didn't know that since she was just getting there.
"Well, look what the cat dragged in," Kara smiled in amusement as she let Montserrat into the apartment. "Doing her walk of shame, I'm assuming?"
"Shut up," Montserrat said, rubbing slightly at her temples. She threw her heels across the living room.
"Bet it's a lot harder to do when you forget your bag at your party, huh?" Kara folded her arms, outright ignoring the look of death Montserrat was sending her way. "Oh don't be looking angry with me. I'm enjoying this and you know what? I'm gonna enjoy this next part because serves you right."
Montserrat rolled her eyes, intending on shutting Kara out for the rest of the weekend until she heard a voice down the hall.
"Okay, seriously, you can't take up all the hot water like that, doll," Sonny emerged from the hallway, clearly wearing the same clothes he had the previous night which only led Montserrat to conclude he'd spent the night here. "Oh, Montse's come back," he said like nothing.
"Noooooo!" the ginger screwed her eyes shut.
Kara smirked. "Told yah!"
"Are you teasing her?" Sonny asked with a frown at the same time Montserrat once again yelled "no!" Sonny gave her a look. "Why are you screaming?"
"Are you seriously asking me that!?" Montserrat scowled. "You're here! From last night!"
"Well, yeah-"
"Shhhh!" she frantically wagged a finger at him. "If I don't see it! It's not real!"
"Oh, it was real," Kara said, walking by and dragging a hand across Sonny's back before smirking up at him. "And it was fantastic." Sonny couldn't help look proud of himself, really.
Montserrat loudly shivered. "Nope! I'm not seeing anything!"
Kara laughed. "Sorry girl, but if you got laid, so did I."
"Would you please stop saying that!" Montserrat turned away with another shiver. "Maybe if I'm lucky, the ground will just swallow me up right now."
"Okay Kara, I think she's suffered enough," Sonny said, though looked fairly amused himself.
"Yeah, alright. That's what she gets for skipping out on a party I planned for a month," Kara moved on and patted Montserrat's arm. "Least she got some action in the end." She made her way to the couch and after a moment so did Sonny.
"Oh my God," Montserrat shook her head. "I did not do anything, Kara. Gosh."
"Then where were you?"
"At Casey's."
"Casey's? What were you doing there?"
"Wallowing in pain." Montserrat blurted the words, still feeling said pain but with even more anger than the previous night. It was a struggle giving Casey some crappy excuse but luckily Casey hadn't asked a lot of questions.
It was then that Kara started noticing Montserrat's demeanor. She looked angry, but there were traces of misery. "Montse, what's wrong?" Montserrat tilted her head to the side, mouth completely shut for the moment. "Did something happen?"
"...you could say that," Montserrat's voice shook and that itself was rare.
Both Kara and Sonny exchanged glances with each other, with the latter believing Montserrat wouldn't talk if he was there.
"Maybe I should go," he resolved and started getting up when Montserrat called for him not to.
"Don't bother. I'm not going to ruin your morning."
"But someone obviously ruined yours," Kara's eyes looked her best friend over. "What happened?"
Montserrat passed a hand down her messy curls and heaved a heavy sigh. "Screw it." She could really use some support and she was sure that Kara would be a good candidate, as well as Sonny. Montserrat walked over to the couch and sat herself in-between Kara and Sonny, now wearing a big pout on her face. "So, as it turns out, you were right Kara."
Kara blinked. "I was? I mean, of course I was. But if you want to be more specific about what I was right about...you could." She looked over Montserrat's head to see Sonny and shrugged in confusion.
Montserrat's shoulders slumped as she sighed again. "I left your party to go have drinks with Rafael."
Kara's eyes blinked rapidly before a smile took over her face. "All is forgiven!"
"No!" Montserrat said flatly, putting a dent into the woman's growing excitement.
"Hey wait a minute," frowned Sonny, shifting on the couch to better face Montserrat, "I called him and he shouted at me that he didn't know where you were because he hadn't even come."
"He's a lawyer; he's a liar," Montserrat said pointedly. "I told him not to say anything."
"Why?" Kara asked.
"Because I wanted to avoid your schoolgirl squeals."
"Well...that's offensive."
"You want to know what's offensive? The rejection I got." Yup, there was the bitterness starting to settle in. Montserrat ignored the looks she was getting because she needed to get this all out in the air once and for all. "He gave me a necklace-" she gestured to the ballerina necklace sitting around her neck.
Kara gawked at it. "Oh that's pretty!"
"Yeah, that's what I thought too. So I asked him if he could help me put it on…"
"Oh that's sneaky," chuckled Kara. "I do that too."
Now Sonny frowned at that admission. "Hey...you do. That's a trick!?" Kara's smirk was answer enough.
"I didn't mean it to be a trick," Montserrat clarified, getting more frustrated as she retold the story. Just thinking about the ending brought back the rage she felt but even more of despondence that came with it. "I was really only trying to put it on but then...then I don't know. I felt things. I turned around and he was just...he was just there and I...I couldn't help it. I kissed him."
"Go Montse," Kara nudged the ginger on her side.
"Yeah, and then he said it wouldn't work." Montserrat huffed. "It was unprofessional. There's an age difference, the way we behave with each other…"
"What?" came Kara's sharpened snap.
"Yeah!"
"The nerve!"
"Well," Sonny knew what he was getting himself into the moment he spoke up. Both women threw him similar looks. "I mean, a guy like Barba? Yeah. That was bound to happen."
"What?" frowned Montserrat. "He was 'bound' to reject me? I thought you two were hell-bent that we should get together-"
Sonny quickly raised his hands to show he came in peace. "No, wait a minute! That's not what I meant!"
"Then what did you mean?"
Kara's face behind Montserrat was one warning Sonny to be careful.
"I was just saying that, being who Rafael is, he would say something like that. I never said he meant it," Sonny visibly relaxed when he saw Montserrat's glare begin falter. "It's just his natural self to be cautious."
"What, so I'm going to ruin him and his career?" Montserrat's face contorted to offense. this conversation is not making her feel better, unlike what she thought it would.
"No, but maybe he thinks it could ruin yours. Look, bottom line is, you're the only one who was there so you know if he meant whatever happened between you two."
"...when did you become my best friend?" Montserrat asked with a low chuckle. Sonny honestly couldn't answer that, but he had a small laugh himself when Montserrat hugged him.
"Right here guys," Kara said on the side, feigning offense she was being left out.
~0~
The weekend seem to pass by quicker than one would have liked, and before Montserrat knew it she was back at SVU beginning the week with a possible gangrape. Luckily for her, no one except Sonny knew what happened that weekend, so it was pretty much a regular Monday at work.
Their victim was a 16 year old girl found at dawn. After a series of events, they discovered her real identity but at the same time losing her at the hospital. It was clear she didn't want to talk to the police, but that wouldn't stop them from finding her. They searched for the young girl, who turned out to be named Clare Wilson, not Erin Fogarty as they previously believed.
"So, our vic is Clare Wilson. Sixteen. Raped by a VIP guest at the strip club where she works," Nick went over their pinboard they were compiling of the case.
Sonny crossed paths with Nick to come point at a picture of an older man who barely had hair. "But the club owner, Perry Cannavaro, won't give up the rapist's name."
"She's 16," Montserrat read over their details from the table. "How the hell did she get into that job in the first place?"
She was looking over their initial photos of Clare and found the girl reminded her of her niece, Juliana. While Juliana was 15, not 16, the fact was her niece could've ended up in those clutches if the wrong things would've happened. Even the way Clare spoke and acted was that of a normal teenager. The rebellious pink highlights in Clare's hair was proof enough.
"She ran away from her mother's abusive home," Olivia said.
"We're going to bring her into a group home and make sure she's safe there," Amanda after putting down her desk phone. "Just settled everything with the head."
Fin strode into the room looking annoyed and angry. "Just talked to Perry again and, shocker, he's not talking. He definitely knows who the rapist is."
"Shocker," Sonny made a face.
"Alright, Liv, we can move Clare down to the group home today," Amanda got up from her desk, ready to do that.
"Right. You and Novak go move Clare to the group home. See if you can jog her memory about the rapist," Olivia pointed the two women forwards. "The rest of us have our work cut out for us."
~0~
Clare has very little to take with her, but she still ready to go with it. She held her box of clothes and followed Montserrat and Amanda down the blue hallway of the group home.
"Now this guy definitely knew Perry," Amanda was telling the girl. "You sure you can't remember anything about him?"
Clare shook her head. "No."
"Perry thinks that this will all go away," Montserrat rolled her eyes.
"Guess he knows."
Montserrat looked back at the girl with sympathy. It was clear she was used to things going wrong in her life. "Well, we're not dropping this, Clare, okay? We're gonna keep putting pressure on Perry. We don't just go away."
Clare shrugged. "Whatever. I'm out of there." She was led into a small room with one window at the end. "This place- they seem okay."
"You know, Clare, you want to turn your life around, they'll support you here," Amanda hoped Clare would get the message. "Stay clean, stay sober. Make curfew."
"I guess it's time." Clare looked out the window and saw a cherry blossom tree on the other side. "I have a tree outside my window. That's nice."
"We'll check in on you, okay?" Montserrat said just so that Clare knew they wouldn't abandon her out of the blue. And, it could also serve as a reminder that they would be looking in to see if she was making good on her and devar to get clean.
"Clare Wilson?" a woman in an officer's jacket strode into the room, followed by another officer. She held up a badge for them to see. "Hudson County Sheriff Department."
Montserrat exchanged a look with Amanda, neither of them knew what the hell is going on but they were sure it wasn't going to be good.
"Detective Rollins," Amanda introduced herself and showed her badge, prompting over to Montserrat who also raised her badge. "That's Detective Novak. How can we help you?"
The Hudson officer didn't look the least fazed by the detectives. "Arrest warrant for Clare Wilson." She motion to the other officer with her to take Claire into custody and then raised the warrant for Amanda and Montserrat to see.
Monster had snatched the warrant from the woman to look at it herself. "What the hell for?" Her eyes quickly skin the papers to see.
"Credit card fraud and grand larceny."
"New Jersey, though!" Montserrat quickly said.
"She worked in New York. And a Jersey City strip club."
Amanda blocked the officer was trying to take Clare away from them. "Hold up. You got the wrong girl."
Clare, on the other hand, didn't look like she was confused by it. "No, I worked in Perry's other club too. He made me overcharge customers-"
Amanda quickly waved a hand in front of the girl's face to stop her from going any further. "-stop talking, Clare. And ask for a lawyer. Not one word."
All Clare did was shrug her shoulders as they took her away.
~0~
"You know, the fact that Perry has connections with the Hudson Police department does not bode well." Fin sat at his desk with a weariness that was slowly creeping from one detective to the next. Their case was about to get even more difficult, because it wasn't already.
"Whoever this rapist must be top notch for Perry to go through these extents to lock up Clare," Montserrat leaned back in her chair. She had the tip of her pen locked between her teeth in a relentless chewing.
"Whoever he is, Perry thought he could play us so let's give him a good game," Nick resolved and would definitely give the man a good match if given the chance.
"They're back," Sonny pointed towards the door where Amanda and Olivia were crossing through. "You think Barba gave them something good?"
"Gotta be by the looks of her," Fin's comment made Montserrat look back to see Olivia, Amanda, Rafael and a dark-haired woman none of them knew.
Montserrat briefly crossed gazes with Rafael and, despite her efforts, she had to glare. However, Rafael just took it without one of his own. He thought he deserved it. In his mind, he did.
"So, what happened?" Nick curiously eyed the dark-haired woman.
"U.S Assistant Attorney, Connie Rubirosa," the woman introduced herself and held a hand to shake with them. "I'm here to help you with your case."
"I didn't know we needed help from the feds," Sonny said, giving a look to the rest of the squad.
"Well your friend called me over," Rubirosa nodded her head at Rafael. "Lucky he did because we've been looking at Perry Cannavaro for a while now. He's part of a ring that targets runaways. Puts them to work in his clubs, gets them hooked on drugs, and then they owe him."
"And the feds can't shut him down?" asked Fin.
"Well, we're trying to. The problem is that a lot of the vics go back to the life. Disappear, decide not to testify. What can you guys tell me about Clare Wilson?"
"She has had it hard, but has hit rock bottom," Amanda answered. "I think she knows that these clubs are a dead end."
"Will she make a good witness?"
"She wants to turn things around. She's credible," Olivia reassured the woman.
"Maybe that's why Perry pulled some strings and had her arrested."
"She's being arraigned later today in Hudson County. What do you know about Prosecutor Masconi?" Rafael inquired since he knew they'd have to deal with the prosecutor soon.
"Well, he's got a big ego. Bills himself as a reformer," Rubirosa said sourly, as if she'd already had the pleasure of meeting him. "But he's not gonna want to look like he's protecting a sex trafficker. Tell him that Clare is testifying in our grand jury case against Perry. See if that'll hold him off until she does."
"Okay, Benson, you up for a drive to Jersey?" Rafael asked the woman.
"I'm Acting Squad Commander. I can't just get up and leave. These guys might destroy my office," Olivia jerked a thumb at the others.
"Heavy lies the crown."
Olivia rolled her eyes at him then pointed a finger at Sonny. "Carisi can join you. Should make a lovely trip, don't you think?"
Now it was Rafael's turn to roll his eyes. At least he could get amusement somewhere in his life at the moment. he was sure all he needed to do was look at Montserrat for a full minute for her to want to kill him.
"Actually, Sarge," Sonny started getting up from his seat, "I think it would be good for Clare to see someone she originally talked to. Montserrat, for example."
Montserrat's dark eyes snapped up to the man. And if Sonny wasn't in public with her, he would've feared for his life. If there was something Montserrat Novak was good at, it was her death glares.
It seemed Rafael knew that about her because right now he was giving Sonny a 'be careful look'.
"I like it," Olivia agreed. She was blissfully in the blue of everything and it showed.
"But Liv-" Montserrat turned her chair to brunette, "-I think I can stay here and do more digging on Perry and his clubs."
"No, I think Sonny's got the right idea," Olivia shook her head. "Besides, you said Clare reminded you of your niece so who better to offer support than you?"
"...is that what I said?" Montserrat gritted her teeth together. "Damn."
There were only a few things to prepare in order to leave for Hudson County and while Olivia, Rafael and Rubirosa worked it out, Montserrat had her go at Sonny out on the street.
"It's like you and Kara are hell-bent on making my life miserable!" she shouted without a care of who heard her. "First, it was reassuring me that Rafael did indeed have feelings for me and then when that failed-" she said with a spat, "-you move on to make it impossible to avoid being in a room with him? What the hell!?" she frantically pushed Sonny's chest, not that the man would fight back.
"It was not my intention, Montse. I just think avoiding isn't going to get you anywhere," he said, irritatingly calm. "Same for Barba. You need to get it out-"
"-I did!" Montserrat snapped. "That's why I'm here in this awful situation!"
"It's a misunderstanding and I will help even if you hate me for it."
Montserrat's face fell flat. "Oh no, I am going to K-I-double-L you! And the only reason I spelled it out is because we're standing outside a precinct!"
Sonny took it all with a nod. Oh boy, Rafael was in for a ride if this did happen to work out for them. Sonny had come to really like Montserrat but there was no way in hell he could ever date that woman.
"We have 2 hours until Clare is arraigned," Rafael walked up to them, though clearly kept a distance from Montserrat. "You're going to drive with the sirens on, right?"
Sonny nodded. "What did you think? I'll go bring the car around."
"And I will go help," Montserrat attempted to say after Sonny had left, but at this point she didn't care if it was a logical excuse.
"No, Montserrat, wait," Rafael had grabbed her arm but she sent him a glare that immediately made him let go. "Sorry. I feel like we need to talk-"
"-but what about?" she pretended to be confused for a brief moment before returning to her angry state. "I got your message and I'll follow through. Don't worry, I would never want to be a hazard for your job and your career."
"That's never what I said," he frowned.
"How would you know? You walked out on me!"
Point one for Montserrat.
"I didn't mean to, I was just…" Rafael didn't know what it was like being speechless, and much less what to do when he was speechless. He felt incredibly guilty, not to mention hurt himself.
"You were just what?" Montserrat folded her arms over her chest. She waited for him to say something but when he didn't, she shook her head. "I tried to listen to Kara and be understanding but the fact you can't even string three words together is disappointing. And frustrating."
"It's not easy, Montserrat," he snapped. "I don't know what to do, alright? I've never been in a situation like this."
"So you're clueless, what a surprise!"
"Would you stop acting like a child? Maybe if you calmed down we could be civil and have a conversation-"
"-about what!?" Montserrat's snap was loud enough to grab attention from some of the officers passing by. "Sorry," she said in a sarcastically hushed tone, "I'm jeopardizing your job again."
"I did not say anything about that and you damn well know it!" Rafael's snap was on the same level as hers. If they'd been thinking more clearly, they would've noticed that even to argue they were the same. Of course they would clash. "When I talked about our jobs, I meant that they would clash. We would have to disclose to our bosses if we were serious about things. I never meant that you would harm my career. If anything, I would harm yours."
Montserrat wanted to continue being angry, but it became harder to do with that statement. It was the same thing Sonny had told her. "What?"
"I've been at this sort of job for 10 years so believe me I have pissed off more people than I can count. You let them know you're dating me and I guarantee you that you'll encounter obstacles for promotions."
"That's ridiculous-"
"-No it's not," Rafael spoke over her. "You've only been a detective for a couple years, right? No more than five?" Her silence was answer enough. "And it's not just that, Montserrat. There's the age difference-"
Montserrat groaned. "Oh my God, it's not like it's that much. It's literally only 6 years so you can throw that excuse away. You're just piling on excuses. I'm, regrettably now, 30 so you're going to have to take my word when I say I'm a big girl who can say 'yes'."
"How about the way we are, then? You and I...we're too matched. We bicker at least once every time we're in the same room."
"Have you ever thought that the reason we act the way we do with each other is because there's some feelings?"
The way Rafael sighed and looked away told Montserrat he had, but he was choosing to ignore it.
"The reason we're always so frustrated with each other is because we'd rather kiss than argue?" Montserrat waited a minute for him to say, but he just shook his head in rejection. "You know, for someone who's-" she raised her fingers in the air to do quotation marks, "-apparently 'a lot older than me', you're the one acting pretty childish right now."
"Don't do that," he warned but she pointed a finger at him.
"You are the one who's blatantly ignoring everything I'm putting on the table. As much as I hate to admit it, Kara was right. I was desperately trying to ignore the fact that I like you but here's me, acting like an adult, and saying what I feel. I don't understand why you're doing this to me and to yourself."
"I am so sorry, Montserrat. But believe me when I say: you can do a lot better than me," Rafael's soft tone was so uncharacteristic that it froze Montserrat. "I listed the logical facts that would interfere with whatever this would be, but don't even get me started on me."
Montserrat was caught off guard by the sentimental admission. And she would admit it if anyone asked her. Rafael was never one speak about himself, and much less what he thought about himself. Perhaps, she should've addressed that first and avoided a lot of the yelling she did. Who knows, if she could get the chance to talk about it with him...his 'logical reasons' may not even turn out to be the real problem.
But right now, time was up.
Sonny had returned with their car, so it was time to go. They were, after all, on the clock.
~ 0 ~
One day later, SVU was so stumped in their case. Clare had been arraigned and detained for pending trial in the Hudson County.
"How long is the New Jersey trial backlog?" Olivia asked Rubirosa for some type of reference. They were gathered in her office, listening to the failed visit to the county.
Rubirosa crossed her arms and thought about it for a moment. "She could be in for a year and a half."
"The county prosecutor and his wife, the ADA, they went through the motions, but Judge Dolan shut us down, hiding behind the fig leaf of Jersey's stringent anti-fraud statutes," Rafael sourly said, indicating he was still pretty irritated the judge had shut him down first before they began any process.
"They want to claim protocol, I can too," Rubirosa declared, letting her arms fall to her sides. "There's a judge I work with on the task force. I can get him to write up a court order stipulating that we need Clare in New York to testify in a pretrial hearing."
"Meanwhile, where are we with Perry?" Rafael looked at the rest for some answers.
"How do we say 'nowhere' without making it sound bad?" Amanda leaned forward to see the responses from the rest of her co-workers.
"Why don't we make some calls, get the pressure going," suggested Fin.
Olivia seemed to like the idea because she was going back to her desk, directly for her phone. "Let's hit him with an alphabet soup."
"Meanwhile, we'll get started on that writ process," Rubirosa resolved and headed for the door with Rafael. "Might get it done today if we're lucky."
"We can only hope," Rafael muttered behind her.
As they walked out of the office, Montserrat and Sonny were coming into the bullpen. The two were bickering since they'd come from a joint meeting with Kara that, unsurprisingly, turned out to be all about Montserrat.
"You're an idiot and that's final. Kara got it too," Montserrat let her bag drop on her desk. She looked over her shoulder and saw the DAs leaving together and even though she tried - like really tried - she couldn't help feel that ridiculous notion of jealousy. "They're pretty close, huh?"
"Oh, don't do that, Montse," Sonny shook his head. "They're friends. Co-workers."
Montserrat still rolled her eyes even though she knew it was a possibility.
~ 0 ~
Perry was in distress. His entire club had been shut down at 10 o'clock promptly. He had every agency at his doorstep, invading the rooms of his club.
"What the hell is going on!?" he came to stand in front of Olivia, seething with anger.
Olivia was all too happy to answer him. "So far, we have CSU in your VIP lounge and the Health Department and lmmigration going through your kitchen."
"And your sushi bar here..." Fin stopped by to point at a higher floor where a woman laid on a table with sushi placed over her like she was the table, "You better hope they don't find any human contamination on that raw fish." He flashed a smile at Perry then continued on his way.
Olivia raised her fingers to continue listing who else was visiting the building. "On their way is OSHA, New York City Department of Taxation and Finance, ATF."
Now it was Montserrat who stopped by them, and she was smirking as widely as could be. She may or may not be loving the fact she could cause some pain to someone else, and even better when they were actual scum. "You might as well shut this place down and give the girls the weekend off. Scuse me," she continued walking and followed Amanda down the cruddy hallway.
"Excuse me!" Amanda shouted as she ripped open all the room curtains on one side, while Montserrat pulled the other side's. "Scuse me, fellas. These nice folks here are from CSU they're gonna be executing a luminol check for fluids on these couches."
"Any of you been here before?" Montserrat's eyes flickered from one guilty man to the next. Most of them raised their guilty hands. "Yeah, figures. Swab 'em all!" She stepped aside so the group behind her could get started on their work.
Out in the main room, Perry was still complaining. "Well, this is harassment!"
"What, you think you're a big guy, getting your buddies in Jersey to lock up a 16-year-old rape victim?" Nick had the pleasure of standing in front of the man's face.
"I don't know what you're talking about!"
"Who are you paying off? Masconi? Judge Dolan?"
Perry blinked at him then looked at the rest of the squad's waiting figures. "Wait a minute. Is this all because I didn't give up the name of a patron? Huh? All right, all right. Say I give him up, all right? Is this circus gonna go away?"
Olivia scoffed and turned over a clipboard she'd been holding, listing all the agencies she'd brought with them. "Oh, that's not my call. You see, once these agencies get involved, it really takes on a life of its own. Take Mr. Cannavaro in."
"What?" Perry looked both ways as Sonny and Fin grabbed him from behind. "Hey, call Arnie!"
"Hey Liv," Amanda moved beside the Sergeant, "Rubirosa got the writ expedited for Clare's release. Barba wants to serve the papers to Dolan first thing tomorrow morning, Jersey City, 8:00 AM."
"It is Amanda's turn," Montserrat said before Olivia got any ideas. She didn't feel prepared to face Rafael again without wanting to argue.
"Okay, go with him," Olivia agreed easily. "Make sure that Clare sees a friendly face when she gets out." Amanda nodded her head, but there was something else she was planning on doing tonight first.
#ocappreciation#svu#rafael barba#law and order svu#rafael barba fics#svu fics#rafael barba imagines#svu imagines#oc: Montserrat Novak#fic: dare to forget me
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