#which also explains a lot about me tbh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

zooophagous · 8 months

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For the people in the notes of my story about my mom taking me to work at the morgue- she did eventually get fired. Not because she let her children wander around in the actual literal morgue but because she was addicted to cocaine.

#which also explains a lot about me tbh

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magentagalaxies · 6 months

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having a moment about my gender rn and i'm just like ugggggh @ my brain do we have to. like can we just not

#i need to go to bed soon bc i have a 10am class tomorrow but shoutout to the identity crisis i've been having since at least feb 6th #idk if identity crisis is even the right word. bc like one thing about me is that i have a very solid sense of self #like i know who i am and what i want and how i move through the world and what it feels like to be me #but in terms of how i label and explain that to others? that's where the identity crisis comes in #but no one else gets to experience me in first person POV so the descriptors i use and they ways i present myself are reality to them #and tbh? as i think about how some of the descriptors i use for myself don't accurately describe me some people are getting mad???#which is so fucking bizarre bc like. what the fuck it's my gender why are YOU being offended???#but it's also making me low key be like ''wait am i a bad person now????''#even tho i don't believe morality works like that. idk it's just been an exhausting month and a half #if anyone wants to hear more in depth thoughts on all this i would love to vent about it #(but not rn bc i will be going to bed as soon as i get this all out)#but like what i will say now is even tho this past month and a half has been ROUGH (for several reasons especially gender)#and people might expect that me spending so much time with scott in february made it more exhausting #which is understandable we love scott but touring in general is tiring and also i am the most opinionated person i've ever met but so is he #and also like. if you've heard scott talk about gender it's very obvious we disagree on a lot of things and he doesn't shy away from that #but the thing is. i'd actually say spending so much time with scott (even when we talk about gender. even when we *argue* about gender)#was actually such a good thing for me throughout all of this bc even when we disagree on semantics of labels #scott actually sees me beyond that rather than reducing my identity to what i call myself #which is how a lot of well-meaning allys tend to treat me. like i'm just one thing.#so when i'm with scott i never really have to think about my gender #bc he doesn't treat me like i'm (insert whatever gender people treat me like). he just treats me like i'm jessamine #and i'm tired of having to explain myself into smaller pieces so people can pretend to get it #but i feel like there's no way not to do that in our society rn especially at my ''progressive'' liberal arts college

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nimue-hidden-lake · 4 months

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I miss them both... A lot.

Everytime my mind makes me think about them my heart aches... I'm longing for them more than I maybe let on. They are technically always there it's just... Complicated and something I'd rather not get into. But now some longing randomly hit me and I just go "Them. I want them. I miss them! Waugh!"

Ok random rambling over.

#Nimue's Beloved #Kind of? I never stopped loving them tbh... Just bad memories which made me retract them again.#(No really... Rather not recall the time)#But I think about both from time to time again... And each time I do I miss them. A lot.#They never really left just a break but... I dunno how to explain it. I just miss them both.#f/o community #fictional other community #potential f/o #(I rather tag them that for now... FOR NOW!)#Also my random night rambles ugh... U should sleep over it first.#(At least it'd be easy to add them back and write for them. I got the entire lore still + so many ideas technically for both)#(And a Romani plush + figures ... And I wanted to get more Merlin stuff. And-)

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poppyseed799 · 1 year

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I feel like life series fanon jimmy is kind of mischaracterized and there’s an easy way to make sure you’re doing it right: he has a lot of unearned confidence

#the tags is where I’m going to ACTUALLY say stuff LOL!!!#but like I love life series Jimmy mkay. he’s got that curse of dying first and all. which is what I mean by fanon cuz curses aren’t real #but a lot of fans make it like Jimmy accepts the curse? or even acknowledges that it’s real. which bugs me a bit cuz No He Does Not #(side note tho. I’m not mad about it. I know ppl wanna explore the concept of someone cursed to die first and that’s what they’re doing)#but like Jimmy would just be so in denial about it okay. even if you managed to convince him he would be like ‘..BUT SURELY THIS TIME’#and this relates to ranchers too. I love ranchers ok. mostly cuz my sister does tbh LMAOO she loves them. but ranchers fan content isn’t #what I’m looking for cuz it’s so often stuff like.. Jimmy being like ‘I’m sorry I’m cursed’ and Tango being like ‘it’s ok love u anyway’#but it’s really more like ‘CURSED?? NO! WE WILL WIN!’ which I think is MORE fun for the aftermath of their death. meeting in the afterlife.#I NEED to see ranchers content where they keep denying that the curse is real then Jimmy dies and they’re ghosts or whatever and Jimmy’s #like ‘oh no. we didn’t break the curse. tango probably hates me now. he only liked me cuz we thought the curse wasn’t real.’ and tango to be #like upset at first as anyone would be when they die. but then he like notices the way Jimmy is acting and he’s like ‘no.. ranchers 4 life’#???? what am I saying. hire me for writing fanfic I totally know what I’m doing.#anyways what I’m saying is Jimmy is the canary but he’s the canary that’s like ‘SURELY I can sing for the miners the whole way THIS time’#he is NOT the canary who says ‘WELL time to eventually stop singing in this cave’#HOWEVER I do think that although he has loads of unearned confidence and is in a constant state of denial. he does also have that crumble #sometimes. so it’s not totally ooc imo for him to act like that. but it would be rare moments and also mostly post death #ANOTHER SIDE NOTE I WANNA SAY. I HATE the way I’m saying this as if it’s fact. it’s my personal analysis and just because I think it’s right #doesn’t mean I want to present it as undeniable fact. I could be misinterpreting. if you want to interpret life!Jimmy’s character different #then go on ahead. I don’t hate fanon Jimmy I just wish I saw more like how I see him. that is all.#ok I lied I also wanna add that I’m bad at explaining things ESPECIALLY personalities so it’s possible that I didn’t convey what I wanted to #say properly too. sorry. OKAY NOW THAT IS ALL.

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gifti3 · 6 months

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Im cursing [REDACTED] right NOW

#god i better never have contact with this guy again or i might flip out on him #im about to ramble about my past “dating" adventures (we were casual but sheesh cant even be friends with this guy tbh)#im realizing months later how much this guy i used to talk to sucked #like DUDE be a better or stay single FOREVER (ΘдΘ)#and by that i mean learn how to better handle approaching others feelings!#god the way he would just shutdown others ppls feelings and it was just an endless loop of “that doesnt make sense” or “thats dumb”#sure emotions can be irrational but if someone is desperately TRYING to explain why they feel a way (even if theyre struggling to be clear)#maybe dont be so dismissive #like literally one time i was annoyed cause talking to him was grating on my nerves #and i was like ik it doesnt make sense so let me step away cause im annoyed #and hes like trying to logic me out of my annoyance???#like worstie im literally walking away so i can cool off #leave it be!#god looking back on all this....#i hope to god whoever hes talking to (if hes talking to anyone) isnt dealing with similar things #ppl can change so ill just hope for that #or maybe he'll meet his match #someone who reflects the same energy he has!#tho im not sure if hed like that haha #the guy seemed to have a lot of relationship problems in general (romantic and platonic) and i wanted to have the benefit of the doubt #but now im thinking maybe his personality was also just clashing with everyone elses #which isnt necessarily a bad thing on its own #gotta get context for everything u know #but in this case....naur #like im a pretty anxious person so how ppl i care about will react to what im doing or saying is constantly at the back of my mind!#so ppl who just come off as flippant about my fee fees annoy me fr #im like “ahh what if i upset so and so” constantly #trying to make sure not to make things harder for them #and they cant even spare me a single thought before doing something and dismiss me when i get upset #but also they wanna come to me when theyre feeling sad about something???

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louderfade · 8 months

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#i carried a printout of this around with me in my bag as a teenager bc i was a big dork #to be clear it was the pumpkins of whom i was such a fan and not billy specifically #besides being a terribly obnoxious cringelord going through a christian phase he was also terrifically up his own ass about his bad poetry #and he was always being a dick about/to people who use drugs which is a very bad look imo so i was not exactly a billy fan #so i don't know why this stupid thing was so important to me #i think i was grieving the fact that all my favorite bands broke up before i was old enough to see them live but who knows #tbh i think teenage reasoning is mostly a mystery to everyone. no one can explain their thought process from age 15.#even current 15 year olds seem to be pretty clueless and generally at the mercy of their own brains #when i think of being 15 i recall a lot of chaos and confusion and a vague but constant rage toward everything in general #but picses iscariot does rock. those songs hold up and so does gish. just sayin.#this has been a boring post about some shit i liked too much as a teenager that i bet you wish you'd just ignored at this point #follow for more boring content about my personal life likely to make you reevaluate the ways in which you spend your time #pastlife #smashing pumpkins

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sateurn · 1 year

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😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

These sobs really limited my tags?????

I have so many more thoughts this is so so much less than 1/2. Broski. Big dislike

#its ‘i watched a tv show and i need to talk about it in the tags of this site im not on anymore’ time #ty to the void for always accepting my thoughts <3 #so honestly its just me thinking about the andromeda tv show. i just finished it and it left me destitute bc i clung onto the first 2 season #s as a basis and had ten thousand questions i *assumed* would be resolved. spoiler alert: they were nto #not*. and the coda addition helps but like. not enough. it explains some of the #oh fyi if anyone is reading or cared there will be spoilers #anyways it explained some of them ex for the cosmic engine bit. seemed pretty relevant and then was never mentioned again #i also MUCH prefer that version of trance — i had speculation she was a sun avatar which i took as confirmation when i finally noticed her #tattoo when harper used it to remind himself he put that data in the sun etc etc but i much prefer the sun-as-consciousness-astral-poject-#ing-slash-dreamjng-itself-a-body / being a little devil. i think that feels much more true to what we got in worldbuilding early on and tbh #the bar is on the floor bc any explanation would be better than what we got. also im sorry but s5 i trusted SO hard that that whole virgil #vox bit in the finale was insulting. couldnt even tie up the loose end you invented at the last minute????? MY god. i understand getting you #r budget halved but like. broski. it would have been better to ignore it at that point imo.#anywhoodle. i also have just ISSUES w the lack of resolution & not doing justice to literally any character #listen. why would you sink SO much effort into tyr just to have honestly what i feel is a disrespectful end to that character. like #tyr required me to do a LOT of thinking bc i sympathized with his position in exile etc while thinking also bro thats real fucked up. bro #stop thats fuckinng e*genics again dude. tbh with the entire species (im not looking up how to spell that rn) bc like the foundation of #their entire race is e*ugenics. (sorry censoring bc im in the tags just venting about tv) which obviously is a terrible idea but i think the #so it was like i am fundamentally against the concept but in show universe theg obviously did it etc but for me provided such a huge like #context to the universe. i fundamentally am not on board with all the commonwealth stuff like yeah i get it the magog are bad and scary but #like the neitzcheans (sp??? idc) are also Right There bein scary. then theres the ‘enhanced’ debate re dylan beka etc that like. is the same #but ‘’different’’ i guess. 🙄 anyways that is just to point out like. the level of thinking this show put me through just to blindside me w/#no resolution. i had SO much hope. tyr selling iut to the abyss is disrespectful to all of the established work the actor did for him and #to the character as well even if i think the ideology is icky. he was shown to be even less and less self-centric survival guy as it went on #and also tbh i didnt understand the him stealing his kids dna thing. i really thought that was gonna gi in a different less bs direction #okay also while im here can i just say. that tyr and dylan had THE most romantic tension to me. everyone else felt very friendshipy and i am #NOT one to usually fall into a ‘they obviously should be together’ pipeline that the writers dont make themselves. but the back and forth (#and intense eye contact) had me sitting there like. it was made in 2000 i know they wont do it but for not doing it they sure did! not that #i think they’d make a good couple (they would not) but that there was definitely something there on the dl you know? something more than #‘mutual respect’ you feel? and tbh! they also ruined the tyr beka thing by making her the matriarch. big ew huge ick.

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caruliaa · 1 year

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the thing abt being in a minority group and caring abt people who arent in that group is that it is godamm exhausting sometimes.

#like. sometimes they just say or do shit that like. is insensitive but they dont fully process or realize why or how #and u know they dont mean any ill will esp to you and would most likely listen to you and take u seriously if u explained that #but just like. its a difficult dialogue to open up !!! esp with someone you care about #and being aware of those societal like. privileges and stuff within ur relationship with someone someone suddenly doesnt feel good yk #like its weird to think this is someone you care about a lot and who cares about you a lot but suddenly theres this thing of doing smth #insensitive and its hurting you somewhat and you not knowing what to do abt that or if that feeling is even reasonable #and sometimes the response to bringing it up is just intense okay ill never do that specific thing guilt without any examination #of why its upsetting to u and that just makes u feel guilty bc u dont want overly apologetic-ness u just wanna start a dialogue #idk !! its just weird man #tbh this is kinda a vague post but kinda a vaugepost abt multiple things and its also just generally true #so that makes it not a vuagepost anymore 👍🏽#flappy rambles #i promiseee i will try to bring it up with ppl when shit like this happens btw i just need to like. work on not feeling guilty abt saying #tht smth has upset me. which is hard !! and also sometimes i feel like it shldnt b on me to bring it up #ppl shld jsut not do insensitive shit !! but thats also complicated yk. idk theres nuances yk.

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astrxealis · 2 years

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40 mil is the highest points i've had for gw ever tbh so i am proud of myself so far <3 also !! almost rank 175 >;D

anyways hi just small update/rambles uhm. i've been more productive w school but also school ew !!! and 6.3 is so fucking soon holy shit i am not ready at all & i hope this week i can finally start omori and/or p4g <33

#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#still obsessed w p5. ALSO mcr music is so slay AND uh yeah that's mostly it. rlly obsessed w buncha kinds of rock music rn #i looooove rock <3 rock and orchestra are my favorite genres (i'm kinda into all kinds of music tho fr!) hehe <33 #i love my fire team now tbh. like. nemone & athena together is perfect imo and i'm glad i realized that a long time ago already #but woa me w having both michael and percival is absolutely amazing hehe #arghhhhhhh ... i wna play nier vv badly but i need to wait for lune yeah ? but anyways in reincarnation i have all the automata characters #which i'm vv glad about >;)) 9s refused to come home months ago but now he has and heheheheh i love him #tbh it's so hard to manage my time now bcs on saturdays i'm busy and then sundays should be my rest but we often go out as rest ??#and i like it but also my gaming time and writing time and whatever time is lowkey a big Rest In Peace <//3 #I LOV MY FRIENDS but i haven't properly talked to. quite literally ANYONE for a bit now i'm so sorry #unless they approach me first somewhere that isnt social media of any sort or i've seen them irl bcs of school or yk my family or class #ive fixed my sched quite a lot but also there's still a lot to improve !! by the end of january i hope that i'm happy w my sched then <3 #okay small update OVER !! today was a pretty good day so far tbh uh. like bad shit happened but strangely i'm all okay !! <33 #like uhh ive been a bit more active in class and actually reciting more! i am usually vv shy and only just comment my answers if ever #BUT YEAH !!! and there was smth that was supposed to happen and my class forgot so i reminded them. and we're like 30 in class #okay rambles OVER !! im anxious still to open my notifs sorry i cant explain why bcs idk how but yeah. uh. if you want to contact me #for anything IDK HOW YOU SHOULD TBH. SORRY. but yeah !!! probably ask for my sideblog for mutuals ??#but tbh i havent checked that in a bit too and just ramble sometimes. SORRY......

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padfootastic · 1 year

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Hello,

Please feel free to ignore this ask because it may contain sensitive topic to some people. What's your opinion about trans James ? In most fanon works , both art and fics, it is Sirius who usually is headcanoned as one. I have not seen many works with trans James or him being gender fluid , etc . Do you think it is because the way his character is described in the books , which in all honesty is not much or is it because Sirius had been described as really handsome? It doesn't do anything with handsomeness, I know , but the fandom works strangely like that 🙊

well, hello there, friend! so sorry for getting to this so late.

so, my opinion on this is really just my usual for identity hcs--i personally dont care much for them. that's not to say they're bad (i've seen some beautifully done stuff) just that it hits too close to reality for my escapist ass.

i see where you're coming from with the sirius comparison, tho! i think partly it's also because sirius is just...more popular? james is a pretty niche character, i'd say, even within mwpp compared to the others, so just by virtue of numbers, trans james doesnt get so much attention.

(there's a part of me that also thinks its also bc so much of the queerness in fanfiction comes from. wanting representation rather than caring about writing a queer character. and that means there's no deeper engagement than outward aesthetics. which means no real transgression is taking place. so u have repackaged cishetero norms circulating. but what do i know about that)

#i also have more thoughts re like. body types & identity headcanons #and what makes some characters so likely to be hc'd as something vs not others #but i dont think im qualified to say them out loud lol #it'll all be v anecdotal anyway #plus im nowhere near educated enough for it #also like the last bit--thats not me invalidating people who're writing it #i think its great it exists + dont think everything has to always be deep #im the last person to advocate for that tbh #but theres like this line b/w actually caring about something and merely providing lipservice #and i think a lot of ~activism in fandom tends towards the latter #(thats why im not a fan of identity hcs in my work. i know i cant do it justice and it WILL end up being shallow representation lipservice)#(and its just better to...not at that point ykno?)#which means basic norms and conventions are upheld #which is a bit. hm. when queerness is so inherently subversive ykno?#not sure how to explain it lol #but i do think its mainly sirius' popularity for this #the other stuff is just me speculating and thinking too much into random shit #pen’s asks

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rurinnfane · 2 months

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Once again I see that I studied the most interesting subjects at and/or shortly before the most interesting times

#watching some fellow usamericans on tumblr learn the origin of the word ‘liberal’ rn and it’s fascinating #I also had several irl conversations with people today about the news about biden and had to explain a lot #honestly y’all it shouldn’t actually take multiple degrees in polisci and public policy to understand basic civics concepts but here we are #it does make me look smarter to people i guess but tbh it’s really just our country’s disinvestment in education which also limits civic ed #pouring one out for every exhausted polisci student and grad right now

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fortunately-bi · 5 months

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...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈

#i just spent like an hour writing and rewriting a post trying to explain myself amd its just so hard to put into words #im bored here but not in a ew not enough content for the dopamine hit shit #in like a every time i scroll through I dont smile I dont see anything that makes me happy at all i dont get a laugh or anything #its just mindless brain rotting scrolling nothing wasting my time hoping maybe ill see a new artist to follow or something #and every time its nothing #so much nothing taking up so much of my time and space in my life and i already dont have a lot of time to begin with #ive made some awesome friends here ive had lovers from here ive had people who are no longer on this earth from here who ill never forget #i dont think ive really enjoyed anything on here in 7 years #ive left before for a really long time i think like a year or more or something #and i wont be totally unreachable of people message me ill respond but im so sick of this stupid app taking up my life #and all i ever get out of it is getting mad or getting depressed over shit that really is t worth my mental state over #all i ever feel on here is that the world fuckin sucks and theres not even anything here to make hanging around worth it #im not new to this site making me suicidal for an abundance of reasons and im luckily in a spot where i wont actually hurt myself #its just ideation and intrusive thoughts but its a pattern i cant keep ignoring #also im old tumblr im old tumblr and i think i will always be old tumblr im just not catching on to new shit anymore #the fact im even saying anything about a hiatus should show how pld tumblr i am no one does this anymore lol #i just don't want to be here anymore i dont really want to be anywhere online anymore tbh #its always something and i cant mentally keep up with it anymore i have too much going on in my life #my wife is having cancer removed on Tuesday im a lead teacher who has to take care of i think 8 babies now #i have problems i have actual problems that need me and need me to be as there as i can be #i cant be spiraling over stuff online on top of real world problems im in no position to do anything about on top of personal life problems #that are drastically affecting my life at home and hurting my family and loved ones #i have a mass in my thyroid which is so big i choke to the point i stop breathing if I dont have my meds i throw up all day #i have to see a neurologist because at best i have a pinched nerve at worst im having seizures and i might have to move states again #i dont have it in me to come on here and see stuff that makes me upset for the chance i might see something i like #and i can unfollow people and whatever but I dont have the energy or time to sift through people i follow on here #if you want to talk in dms or asks or you want to send me posts pls by all means continue to do so thats fine #but i think i need to take the app out of my line of sight again for a bit and just be in the moment again same with twitter #anyways i love yall i promise i am safe and not in harms way im just stressed af and i have got to start cutting things out that #arent doing anything other then making me miserable

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periwinkla · 6 months

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AAI3 ideas compilation ❤ *minor spoilers for AAI games and SOJ* The idea was borne from the old "let's stow away in Mr. Edgeworth's suitcase" trick that was brought up in SOJ - made me imagine an AAI3 game where the assistant is Trucy 'cause Edgeworth the goof didn't notice his suitcase suddenly weighted like a whole 30 kilos of child more - Phoenix probably just comes by for the final case. While Phoenix gets on a plane in a panic, Edgeworth also panics because he needs to investigate murders but can't very well leave a 8 year old child by herself. Shenanigans ensue. Kay comes back. Kay and Trucy's shenanigans are Edgeworth's worst nightmare atm, and that's saying a lot. Kay probably figures out who 'that man' is, thanks to Trucy talking about her daddy. All in all Trucy and Edgeworth spending time together while Phoenix isn't there would explain why Trucy is so confortable with him on the plane in SOJ. Gosh I love that scene. When Phoenix finally reaches them Trucy and Edgeworth are so in tune that when Edgeworth figures stuff out, Trucy immediatelly knows and she's prepared to shout Eureka! with him. Phoenix is like...what. And that's how he discovers Edgeworth's Eureka idiosyncrasy. He's also floored by how cute it is. (I know it doesn't exist in the original Japanese but let's ignore that) Also, do you think that maybe the reason Edgeworth doesn't notice 30+ kilos of child is that perhaps he doesn't even lift his suitcase in the first place? And in that case the poor soul that has such a task is obviously Gumshoe. Gumshoe probably thinks it's totally normal for Edgeworth's suitcase to weigh like half his weight. Which, tbh, isn't that farfetched an idea. *also clothes are a bit inconsistent bc I drew them at different points in time ahahah ^^''

#ace attorney #phoenix wright #miles edgeworth #narumitsu #wrightworth #trucy wright #kay faraday #aai #aai3 #fanart #my art #periwinkla

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kalashtars · 1 year

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me every time i plan my schedule: i will definitely do all the reading for all these classes i have willingly signed up for

me inevitably in October: ... i have read 1 1/2 of the assignments due this week

#damien.txt #considering taking 4 english classes + a language someone tell me this is a bad idea lmaooo #to be fair they are like. for my english major. which is something im doing.#and the alternative is taking history classes (for my history major) which also involves reading. so.#to be fair reading for history courses and english courses is just inherently different idek how to explain it #i feel like history undergrad courses (that i have experienced) involve a lot less reading #like there's definitely still reading let me be clear but like i would be reading.... ehh let's say an average of 15ish pages for each class #vs id be reading like. 60 per class for each english class #so like it does seem to be more reading. but also. the english classes do be lowkey fascinating #im also making a mistake by willingly taking a night class 💀💀 but we'll watch movies in it so it seems so cool ahhhh #< i feel like the fascinating comment makes it seem like i dont find the history courses fascinating #i do! the english classes offered at my university this semester are just particularly fascinating #theres one that is full but i wanna take it soooo bad and it's about ecocriticsm and feminism and it looks like it SLAPS #anyways anyways on the verge of making bad decisions. or good decisions? i suppose just. decisions.#will i take any history courses this semester..... for my og major.... who's to say....#the major reason im considering this is tbh i havent totally decided my area focus for history #which is. important kinda. like in the grand scheme it's not but also for my major requirements it is lol #but like if i don't take any history courses this semester i wont have to make that decision bc i wont be furthering my requirements anyway #<3 yay! we love indecisiveness #anyways hello if you have made it this far. i am sorry u read my entire rant about academics #i have no idea what i am doing at any point and at this rate i dont think i will by the time i graduate with my very useless degrees #but y'know! slay! hope you are doing well and i am manifesting confidence in your choices for you (pls manifest it back)

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fingertipsmp3 · 1 year

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Love that facebook reminded me that 4 years ago today I bobbed my hair and immediately regretted it

#i sometimes think about it again because every single person ever told me how cute it looked #but i just haaaated having it that short #i never felt confident with it and my wave pattern made my ends all flicky which looked stupid. it was STUPID #i wouldn’t mind having it kind of short though. like an in between length #right now i have somehow reverted back to looking like a forest person. i haven’t been caring for my hair very well #i’m living in split end city #……oh jesus christ lads i just checked my journal and i haven’t cut my hair at all since JANUARY. what the FUCK #that explains a lot and also confirms that first thing tomorrow morning i will be washing my hair and doing a wet cut over the bathroom sink #i don’t know how much is coming off yet. just.. some. i can afford to lose like a good six inches tbh #(that’s what she said)#anyway lads if you need me i’ll be going back to my knitting #personal

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love-has-a-way-ofgrowingbackward · 1 year

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local minima rn lads.

#i cannot like put in words exactly what it is about my mom that does it for me #like to an outsider it would sound like a normal slightly rude interaction. and i couldnt tell you which part makes me feel bad #or why i feel like that. i just. my mind treats her differently than everyone else. i dont clock anyone's position in a room like i do hers #i am always so Aware. and. ive been grey rocking her now. its the only possible card up my sleeve tbh. no plan b.#she just...#acts all plaintive and innocent while pushing the exact buttons that make me shut down and go cold. and i end up looking #so heartless and cruel in front of someone who does everything for me and receives only hate back. when its just.#not true..#i am so fucking tired of feeling like. like someone scooped a part of my chest out. with like an ice cream scoop every time this #happens #like so tired and HOLLOW #and its not the sort of thing i can explain to someone? its not like someone just called me a slur or cheated on me or whatever #nobody will GET it. like yes you just had a conversation where you were rather rude why is this causing a depressive episode #and just. by nobody i mean everyone who i know who also knows her and also most people who dont know her wont get it #yall got no idea #how much i wanna run away. im fucking desperate okay #i will literally do anything #i need a nap every time i talk to her which sucks because ive got nobody else to talk to.#so there's a lot of sleeping going on here #so much sleeping #just a couple months dante. just. ive done years and years of this. i can do a couple months more.#go to college and then its sayonara you weeaboo shits for everyone here #honestly i was scared of leaving everything i know behind before #but i think im realising i dont really have anything worth keeping here.#i was all like ohh i wont have any family or anyone to fall back on when im in trouble #and then i realised i dont have that anyway. I'd rather figure my problems out on my own than deal with toxic people on top #which is a pretty fucking good realisation peopleos #anyway. hyping myself up to keep from having a breakdown now #godspeed ME

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