#which is a little funny cause 99% of the time my emotions are so ridiculous and unnecessary

[darthzero22]

You are my savior

Hunter x Neutral Reader 

Since you couldn't sleep you decide to keep an eye on the ship, which was in hyperspace, while the others slept. It was not an interesting activity, but it was important. Still, you weren't going to be alone much longer.

In your lap you had Hunter's helmet, somehow you loved it, and it was perhaps because you loved its owner. You were sitting in the pilot's seat and were reading your datapad because you couldn't find any other way to kill time, as you had already cleaned your weapon earlier, which in fact didn't need cleaning.  But despite that, what was on your datapad wasn't very interesting either, it seemed like the galaxy was against you to bore you one way or another. Luckily for you, that was about to change.

You kept reading, it must have been the fourth time you had read the same thing, and yet you were still concentrating. That's why you weren't paying attention to your surroundings, so you were clearly startled when you felt a hand on your right shoulder. Out of shock you straighten your back suddenly, dropping your datapad in the process causing it to fall to the floor.

“What…?!” you turn your gaze to your right side. “Hunter!”

“Sorry, sorry. I didn't mean to scare you” he rests one knee on the floor to grab your datapad.

“Who said I got scared?” you clears your throat.

Hunter raises his gaze and looks at you with a raised eyebrow.

“Right. So, that scream you gave was because...?”

“...of happiness to see you?” you smile nervously.

Hunter still had his eyebrow raised, but when he heard you say that, he smiles and laughs without opening his mouth. Then he shakes his head and hands you your datapad, which you take it.

“I looked ridiculous, didn't I?” you asked.

“Just a little, but I still love you”

He gets up from the floor, but first manages to give you a kiss on your right cheek as he stood up, and you smile at that and at what he said to you.

“Were you reading the mission report?”

“I was reading it before... I was so bored that I cleaned my blaster, my knife” you rest a hand on Hunter's helmet, which was still in your lap. “And I cleaned your helmet too”

Hunter looks surprised to hear that, besides seeing that you had his helmet in your lap.

“Did you really do that?” he sits down in the chair next to you.

“Yeah, well...” you give the helmet a little pat. “I saw your helmet on the table and could see it was a little dirty from the mission we had. I wanted to clean it, and I think I did a good job”

“You surely did. Thank you”, he was smiling. “I appreciate it a lot”

You smile and you could feel a warmth in your cheeks, a consequence of seeing Hunter's smile and hearing his sincere words.

“Don't mention it” you clears your throat. “So... you're wondering what I'm doing awake, right?”

“Well, yeah. I was worried when I didn't see you next to me when I woke up, and I hope you didn't have a nightmare” his eyes showed concern for you.

“Oh, no, no. Don't worry, it wasn't a nightmare”

Hunter breathes a sigh of relief, closing his eyes in the process, and when he opens them he looks at you again.  

“I am glad to hear that” he leans forward in the chair and rests one hand on your knee. “Is there anything that worries you?”

“No, no. Nothing worries me” you lower your face a little.

Hunter removes his hand from your knee and brings it to your chin, which he grasps very gently to lift your face in the same way.  With that you look each other.

“Are you sure, Y/N?” he asked.

“I am” you smile. “Cleaning your helmet gave me peace of mind. I love it, and I also love its owner”

“Please, you'll make me blush” he smiles too.

“Oh, I see. Well, I want you to know that you are my savior. I was bored here reading a report and my savior with his bandana appeared”

“I never thought I was a savior. In that case, a pleasure to save you from your boredom”

After saying this, you bring your faces close together and start kissing.  It was a soft, loving kiss, and you two kissed for a few moments, as the feeling of closeness was magnificent. You separate only for lack of air, but you still had your faces and lips close to each other, and that's when you see and hear Hunter let out a small, but beautiful laugh.

“Yeah, you managed to make me blush” he said, with a smile. 

You laugh too and grab Hunter's face with both hands to caress his cheeks with your thumbs.

“And to think that the sergeant I met was serious and unfriendly”

“Let's just say a slightly stubborn person has gotten the best of me”

“Wait, wait. Slightly stubborn?”

“Oh, no. Don't try to deny it"

“Fine, fine. As you say, sergeant” you smile. 

“Well done, soldier” he smiles too. 

You wanted to get up, so you grab Hunter's helmet and get out of your chair. He, who was also standing, watches you walk a couple of steps and then sees you sit on the floor, leaning your back against the wall of the ship. You put the helmet back on your lap and Hunter sits next to you, also leaning his back against the wall of the ship. That's where you move your head and rest it on his shoulder. 

“I've read the mission report over and over again" 

“Something on your mind?” he rests his cheek on top of your head.

“I thought that again there will be in our file the typical phrase: 'Clone Force 99 disobeyed orders again, and their recruit as well'. It's funny because I used to obey orders” 

“Yes, we have to preserve our reputation for not fully obeying orders. But sometimes it is necessary and we know what we are doing. I remember your face in the first mission you had with us, when we just decided to disobey the orders” he rests his elbow on his knee, as he had lifted his leg by resting his foot on the floor. 

“Wait. Do you really remember that?”

“Of course I remember. And to think that now you are the first one to disobey orders, even my orders!”

“How quickly I grew up”

You raise your face to look at him and he was looking at you with a raised eyebrow, so you smile.

“I remember your face the first time I disobeyed an order from you” you said. 

“Don't make me remember, seriously. Luckily nothing went wrong”

“I remember coming back to the ship and there you were, looking at me with those beautiful eyes of yours and your nose wrinkled in anger. Can you wrinkle your nose? You look adorable like that"

“I appreciate the comment about my eyes, but now that you made me remember that moment, I won't do it. I will not give you the satisfaction"

“Hunter”

“No”

“Please?”

“I said no”

“Fine”

The moment Hunter got careless and dared to look at you, you quickly give him a kiss on the nose and when you pull away you see that he wrinkles it. 

“Damn it!” 

“Ha! Mission accomplished” you put on a victorious smile. “I will put it in the report and...”

You are interrupted by Hunter, who kisses you, and then you kiss him back. He felt a mix of emotions that he couldn't stand and had the urge to kiss you. While you were kissing, you thought you were very lucky to see that side of him, since he was always serious and focused. What was really a victory for you was to be like this with him, and the kiss tasted just like that: victory. 

“I've never felt what I feel when I'm with you, cyare... You are unique” he said after the kiss, his mouth close to yours. 

“You are unique, Hunter. You mean everything to me...” you smiled. 

“And I am so lucky to have you" he smiles too.

You carefully put Hunter's helmet aside and sit on his lap, then you kiss again. You start stroking his hair, running your fingers gently caressing him, and he caressed your back and waist. These caresses made the kiss become deeper and more loving, and you didn't want to be anywhere else. 

[akutagawasbitch]

Aku, Atsushi, Chuuya, Higuchi, and whoever u want--how do they act when they're black out drunk??? Absolutely shit faced?

Of course my love, I had so much fun writing these. Let the crack commence <3

Chuuya

As we all know he can fly but when he's drunk he'll fly into shit all the fucking time. The side of a building, random walls, the window of his penthouse. You name it he's probably flown into it and face planted it while drunk

He also suffers from short man syndrome and will not hesitate to punch anyone. He has been kicked out of many bars for throwing the bartender when they cut him off

He likes to flirt but when drunk, he turns into a mess. Slurring his words, mixing up pickup lines and or just forgetting how to speak. It's all happened to him before but if dazai is around? He turns into the best womanizer in all of Yokohama for the sake of his pride

His favourite drunk food is ramen, he'll make shitty 99 cent ramen in his penthouse and devour it

His normally refined palette goes out the window

While he can be aggressive, if you're friendly to him, Chuuya will be your friend and be an absolute sweetheart back. He's made many a friend on drinking nights who he never remembers but they remember him

Amazon and drunk Chuuya are his wallet's greatest enemy

He will spend hours scrolling through and buy himself the stupidest shit ever

He once bought a massive playhouse because he wanted one

He'll also buy himself hats

Buys ridiculous shit and has it delivered to Dazai's apartment

One time he had hair removal cream disguised as shampoo order and dazai used it

Loves to dance while drunk

He will fucking get down with any song and is amazing at dancing

Loves going to karaoke bars, gets super into it. He will sing any song and is always surprisingly good at it. 

Passes out super quickly and easily so he never stays out too long 

Dazai 

Doesn’t like drinking too much as it reminds him of when him and Oda would go to Lupin together.

When he’s drunk, he swears he can hear Oda talking to him telling him what an idiot he’s being. 

He’s either an incredibly happy and elated drunk or a horribly suicidal depressed drunk. It depends on how much he has to drink. If he’s tipsy, he laughs a lot and feels a genuine sense of happiness, not the fake happiness he feels most of the time. If he is blackout drunk, he’s depressed and highly suicidal but in a more serious way. No more mushrooms or trying to drown himself, he goes for knives and pills but he always wakes up.

He will trip a lot and be incredibly clumsy when drunk. His bandages come undone which he doesn’t notice causing him to trip on them. This happens regularly 

When drunk he’s more prone to bumping his head on things since he isn’t paying attention. Ceilings, fans, lights, door frames. No matter what drunk dazai is a tall bastard with no spatial awareness

His flirting goes through the roof when drunk. He will flirt with anything that moves, he does not care. 

You know what else goes through the roof when he’s drunk? His d- appetite. This man can rival Kenjii or Atsushi in how much he can eat when drunk. He orders 6 different plates of crab and devours them like he’s never eaten in his life. 

His self restraint goes out the window and he’ll go break into Chuuya’s apartment just to mess with him and steal his hat or something along those lines. Drunk Dazai loves to fuck with people. 

He’s also more relaxed and will happily let Naomi or Yosano do his makeup if they asked nicely enough. He’d brag about how he’s the “prettiest princess of them all” before passing out

Aku 

You think Akutagawa has no filter? Wait until you meet drunk Akutagawa. This man doesn’t even know what a filter is. 

He deadass looks at Chuuya and stares at him before commenting “You’re short” with a deadpan look. 

He also has a surprisingly high tolerance and enjoys strong alcohol over wine. 

His lack of filter gets him into trouble more often than not and he gets into fights a lot. He actually uses his fists while drunk over using Rashomon mainly because he can barely speak a word without hiccuping 

He has trouble speaking, he either hiccups through every sentence or slurs his words to the point where they are unintelligible 

He is more chatty than normal but don’t expect a Dazai or Chuuya level of chatter. 

He likes to drink spiked teas 

He does enjoy drinking with others and enjoys accompanying Chuuya on nights out

He will devour a massive bowl of curry while drunk. He rarely eats when sober but when drunk? He’ll eat anything put in front of him

He is still pretty quick on his feet and agile but he is prone to falling over

He literally once woke up Gin because he fell over their couch when walking into their apartment and he just lay on the floor cursing out the sofa

He’ll roast the fuck out of Dazai and Atsushi while drunking and make various death threats

Aku ends up being rather protective of others while drunk and has scared of a number of creepy men making advances on uninterested women, he’s like a guard dog in that regard 

He will pass out fairly quickly once he gets home, refuses to pass out anywhere other than his bed 

Higuchi

As we found out in the PM Onsen CD, Higuchi cries when she’s drunk. She’ll cry over a cute puppy or cry over a mission going wrong or she’ll just cry because she got praise from Akutagawa. 

She also will talk for hours on one specific topic. Either its Akutagawa or something completely random. She’ll rarely talk about her sister but when she’s drunk she’ll open up more about her and tell everyone how much she loves her sister. 

She is also a lightweight and will pass out fairly quickly 

She likes sweet things when drunk and will eat something sweet that’s near her. 

She also has to hold Akutagawa back from fighting people or prevent him from getting punched because his no filter talk insulted the wrong person 

She isn’t an aggressive drunk but an emotional one. 

Gin

Gin isn’t a big talker, but she’ll talk more if she is drunk drunk and comfortable enough with the people she is drinking with 

She will laugh a lot while drunk and smile but it's hard to tell with her mask on 

Gin as we all  know is insanely fast and agile but when she’s drunk? All her agility goes out the window and she will face plant the floor if she tries any of her tricks.

I think she has a sweet tooth, so I can see her enjoying mochi ice cream while drunk

She also would love to watch people do karaoke, she won't participate since she’s too shy but seeing Chuuya and everyone else do it makes her laugh so hard her sides hurt

She lets out her more soft side and tries to pet all animals she sees

She once stole a duck and brought it home, Akutagawa wasn’t happy 

Atsushi

He will be a mess

100% a giggly drunk, he’ll find everything funny, even Kunkida’s dad jokes.  

He’ll accidently activate his ability and be walking around with a tail and not even notice it. 

Speaking of his tail, when drunk he likes to chase it as he gives into his more cat like tendencies, Dazai has a video of Atsushi chasing his tail for a good 20 minutes  

This boy will devour an entire restaurants worth of chazuke, if he could while drunk 

He likes to climb trees and he’s good at it, Kunida once found him at the top of a tree curled up asleep 

He’s also more blunt and will roast the fuck out of Akutagawa 

He also roasts Dazai a little bit but not as much as Akutagawa

He likes to transform into is tiger form and nap when drunk

He’d probably curse and then say fuck because he cursed and then just spiral into a stream of fucks 

He will try catch cats to cuddle, he once followed a cat two blocks just to pet him

I imagine him enjoying amusement parks so he’d go to once while drunk and have the time of his life until he got nauseous on the rides 

I also imagine he like play video games so when drunk he’ll do that and have the time of his life

Suddenly sweet baby atsushi is cursing and swearing like a sailor

He’ll pass out pretty quick and once he’s passed out, he’s out like a light for the rest of the evening.

Junchiro 

He likes his alcohol delivered in baked goods

He will try drunk bake/cook

He will pass out quickly and just cuddle his own sweater

He tries to flirt with women but naomi does not like it

My man will be shirtless trying to make a souffle at 2am

This was so fun to write, I’m sorry it took so long but I hope you enjoy this crack <3 

[jessiebanethedragon]

Scuttle (4/?)

Big thanks to all those reading this!!!! hope you enjoy part four ❤️ 

also warning of talk about Hutt reproduction for comedic purposes (sorry...)

You wake to the sound of a very angry sniper. And even though his default setting is angry, he seems more perturbed than usual. Muffled voices can be heard from outside the small bunk area that you’ve already made your personal space. Wet, destroyed clothes sit on the floor in the corner and you’re wrapped only in Crosshairs blanket, save for your undergarments. You swing your legs over and plant them on the cold metal floor.  As you reach the door, the  voices become clearer.

“Absolutely not.”  - That's Crosshair for sure, only he would be so blunt. 

“I wasn't asking for your permission Crosshair, only your opinion.” The other voice is more of a long sigh at this point. The exhaustion and caring sound to it tells you it’s Hunter. For clones they are all remarkably different, you think to yourself. 

“Yeah and my opinion is ‘no’.” Crosshair snaps. 

“The seppies will come after her whether you like it or not.” He counters. 

“Which is why we can’t take her into bounty hunter territory!” You freeze as you realize they mean you. Panic settles in when you come to terms with the idea of being ditched on some degenerate planet with non resources whatsoever. You retreat back into the bunk, pulling the blanket closer to your frame. 

“Just get her up.” Hunter finishes and you hear him walk back down the halfway of the ship. Crosshair grumbles something about not being in charge of you before the door slides open. He’s shocked to see you sitting up and awake, and his eyes rest on the pile of clothes on the floor before meeting yours. His blanket looks far better on you than it has in all his years of owning it.

“Food’s up.” He says before turning to leave. Less time spent interacting with you the better. Means less time for him to stare at the one exposed shoulder that the blanket has fallen off of and less time to wonder if you’d ever spare someone like him a second glance. 

“Where are you dumping me?” He hears a small voice ask. And all the warmth leaves his body. 

“We aren't…” He starts, not turning around. Because if he doesn’t turn around he can claim ignorance if you're crying or not. 

“I heard you and Hunter and i’m not stupid.” You interrupt him, voice void of any emotion. 

“Then you'd know i'm not going to let him do that.” He snaps, almost angry at you for thinking he’d leave you on your own. 

“I’m deadweight, aren't I?” It's a question you know the answer to but have to ask anyways. You want to scream at the republic, for using your intel and then throwing you away. Taking advantage of your selflessness and empathy, just like they take advantage of  the clones caring and giving nature at every opportunity. 

“You’re not deadweight.” Crosshair states, leaving no room for argument, “You just need to be somewhere off the grid for a while.” He hears you stand, and slowly he turns his head, his blanket bunched awkwardly around your frame. His jaw clenches as his heart pulls at strings he swore weren't there. 

“Crosshair…” You start, but don’t continue, words escape you, the right ones don’t exist in that moment. Or at least you can't bring yourself to use the ones you want to. So instead, you opt to blankly stare at the metal floor. He will leave eventually, turn and head out the door. You’re not his problem, your brain explains this as the floor becomes more and more interesting.  Except he doesn't go. And the very tips of his fingers meet your chin, gently pulling your head to meet his glance.  

God his eyes are stunning, you think, before cursing your brain for being in the totally wrong place at the wrong time. But his eyes might be the prettiest you’ve ever seen. Light brown with hints of ashy tones. 

“I won't leave you on your own.” He tells you, but what you want to hear is that he will stay with you. You're already inexplicably attached to the sniper, it's unbearable. 

“Thank you.” You whisper to him breathless just from being this close to him. 

“Now come on, or Wrecker will have eaten everything before you even get out there.” Crosshair cocks his head towards the door, pulling away from you. 

The members of the hold greet you excitedly, Wrecker seems to have really taken to calling you little bird as well as patting your head affectionately. And you find yourself sat wedge in between him and Tech while they both talk your ear off. Hunter is smiling and eating in contentment of his little family and Crosshair is starring, you fit so nicely in this scene. Wrecker piling more and more food on your plate while you laugh at Techs retelling of one of their ridiculous missions. 

“Tell er’ about Nal Hutta!” Wrecker says with an evil smile.

“Don’t you dare.” Crosshair snaps at his vod, who's already laughing his blacks off. 

“It wasn't that bad Cross.” Hunter admits grabbing some empty dishes and patting his shoulder as he walks by. 

“Yes it was!” Wrecker says between wheezes. And you notice the faint flush in his cheeks. 

“Okay one of you needs to spill the details.” You demand looking from Tech to Wrecker. 

“Well, as you probably know Nal Hutta is run by the infamous Hut cartel…” Tech launches off, waving his hands about as he talks. (you've picked this up as one of his biggest habits.) 

“Tech…” Crosshair groans with his face in one of his hands before giving in and leaning back. Preparing for the worst. 

“I can't tell you all the details, classified and all, but the important part is that Cross was working recon and cover, like usual. So he's up this step mountain that's basically all dirt and sand. Looking for this Hut fellow right, and before we can warn him Wrecker throws this thermal detonator and the whole side of the mountain collapses.” Tech tells you excitedly. And your worried eyes look across the table. Crosshair had moved so he could lean back with his arms behind his head looking just a tad embarrassed. 

“He would've been fine, if he hadn't gone rolling right through the window of the house he was collecting intel on.” Wrecker was killing himself laughing by this point. 

“And then the… the” He tried to get out between gasps of air before waving it off and letting Tech continue. 

“And well, sorry Cross, there's no easy way to say this.” Tech laughed a little himself. “He rolled right in on a Hutt reproducing session.” Your eyes went as wide as they could, and a hand covered your gaping and giggling mouth. 

“Wait, so Crosshair burst in on two Hutts doing it?” You gasped, trying to stifle your growing laughter. 

“Gets worse.” The man in question grit out, looking at the mess of comrades before him. 

“How does that get worse?” You exclaimed, leaning into Wrecker with his contagious laughter. Tech turned to you, smiling wider than ever. 

“Hutts reproduce asexually.” He stated, “scientists don't know too much about it but from the condition we found this one in.” he pointed to a grumpy Crosshair. “It gets real messy.” You closed your mouth into a thin line, blinking as you tried not to laugh. 

“Oh…” Giggle “no, Crosshair…” More giggles. “That must’ve been awful.” You tried to emphasize you really did, but the look on the snipers face had you laughing all over again. 

“He was covered head to toe in green Hutt goo!”  Wrecker boomed. 

“Well it’s nice to know yet another finds my torment hilarious.” Crosshair grumbled as he stood up to escape the laughing hyenas before him. 

“No!” you objected, “I promise I am not finding this the least bit funny.” You told him, trying to keep a straight face. Receiving a sarcastic ‘um hum’ reply. 

“I mean it, you could have been seriously injured.” You countered, thinking you had successfully hidden your smile beneath your hand. 

“I can see you smiling.” He said, raising an eyebrow at you.

“You could've drowned in Hutt goo…” You quietly said with another round of giggles. 

“Ahhh yes CT-7733 of Clone Force 99 killed in action on Nal hutta, death caused by drowning in Hutt goo.” Tech snickered from beside you. 

“He will be dearly missed, and as an apology the Hutt has named the child in his honour.”  You added taking note of Crosshairs millionth eye roll of that morning alone. 

“Okay that's enough of that now.” He said. “Wren, you want clothes or are you spending the rest of your life in my blanket?” He teases, watching you blush a tad. 

“I don't take life advice from a man covered in goo.” You shoot back with the biggest smirk on your face. 

“No clothes for you then.” he smiled as your protests began. 

“Okay, okay, calm down, don’t get your goo in a tuffle.” You say maneuvering yourself from with the blanket and over Wrecker who's still chuckling to himself.  

Down back in your makeshift room, Crosshair shows you where the extra clothes are kept, which means you’ll be swimming in extra sets of blacks all meant for clones that are bigger than yourself. But you think your pants may survive given a good enough wash, so for now you roll the waistband and the legs until you look somewhat presentable. Greeting Crosshair on the other side of the door.  

“See,”  He says, “told ya’ it would fit.” Before he turns from you and starts to walk back down the hall. 

“Wait Crosshair!” You call jogging over to him, a look of fau-concentration on your face as you reach up to where his short hair meets his right ear. Carefully running your fingers through it. He knows his heart has either stopped beating or hammering so fast he can’t feel it. 

“There, all good now.” you declare patting his cheek a few times. Hoping he inquires as to why you just had your hand in his hair. He opens and closes his mouth a few times before deciding on: 

“What was that for?” and if there was an inter-galactic clone flirting competition, Crosshair just lost. You grin up at him, pure evil  in your eyes. 

“Oh no reason,”You say walking past. “Just a little leftover Hutt goo.” 

tags: @mangoberry43 @imalovernotahater @professionaltrashcompactor @vesperstalksclones @haloangel391 

and: Thinking the next chapter might be longer but be out of order in relevance to these chapters... thoughts? questions? comments? etc???

[red-elric]

The Sohma boys as boyfriends/husbands?

*cracks knuckles* okayyy this one is fun lets get down to it!

yuki sohma is! a fuck boy! yuki is the boy who sends machi/kakeru/whoever tf late night “you up?” texts, who lightens the mood by saying “noo dont do x youre so sexy aha,” who is always down to fuck. he and machi watch titanic together; yuki is crying halfway through the movie but hes also being a slutty slutty boy together with machi. he wants machi to draw him like a french girl. with kakeru its a little less obvious because yuki would Rather Die than be caught screwing around with kakeru, but hes still the type to shut him up with a kiss, to avoid serious conversations by doing sexy stuff lmao. that being said, he is still a very emotional boy, and rather open with his feelings; he tends to intellectualize emotions (abby would say its his libra moon) but overall he is very sweet. he believes the only way to respect women is through pleasure and tbh can you blame him??

ayame sohma is an absolute sweetheart omg, tbh discord and i hc that he and mine have the fewest fights of any of the couples; they just exude that “perfect communication, perfect for each other” energy yknow? anyway aya has plenty of flair to spare and he spends a lot of it complimenting mine and making her feel like the most perfect and beautiful princess in the world. they both wear the dress on their wedding day and its gorgeous; theyre beautiful and soulmates and aya is very sweet.

kureno sohma is head over heels in love w his girl uo (if youre gonna fight me over kurenuo dont plz :P)! he’s the type to always assume that uo is doing fine because “shes much more capable with most things than he is” which is true! uo will call him and be upset about something or other and he’ll ask her if shes okay; when she explains whats going on and how shes wondering if she can’t handle....... whatever it is (college uo college uo head canon that actually instead of them travelling together immediately kureno went on his own and uo went to college but they still stayed pen pals anyway shes worried about not doing well in classes) he says something incredibly sweet along the lines of “well, of course you can handle this! you’re capable of everything” and she can tell he really really means it and it doesnt solve the problem but it does make her feel better, and reminds her that she is loved

shigure sohma, once things settle after canon, finally has the chance to spoil the girl he loves, and he does; actually, i think it negatively impacts the rest of his relationships for a while. he becomes completely subservient to akito for a while because he’s found his “happy ending,” so it’s okay to give into those feelings of wanting to spoil her now, right? she’s the most important person in his life, after all. anyway, that mindset lasts for a bit until suddenly it breaks bc akki isnt suddenly perfect either, shes still naturally jealous and afraid that he will leave her, that he’ll cheat on her, so they have a fight at some point; they spend some time apart where shigure learns that it’s okay to love his family and himself, on top of akki, and that being in love isnt about doing everything for the other person; meanwhile akki gets some therapy about her anxiety and rage issues and settles down enough to trust shigure. from then on he’s still very loving and spoiling, but he spends more time teasing her than before, and spends time discussing pros and cons of various couple decisions that they have to make.

hatori sohma is super super cute and super super awkward oml. he spends the early days of his relationship with mayu trying to be cool and impress her because shes so cool (!); he buys aviator sunglasses bc he heard they make people look cool and mysterious and his lactose intolerant ass will go on ice cream dates with mayu which doesnt always.... end well lmaooo. hes very protective of her, perhaps a bit overbearing when she’s sick or injured especially, but it’s always very clear that his heart is full of love for his girl, that he loves her to bits.

hatsuharu sohma has big dick energy  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) now that thats out of the way: if anyone on this list was gonna tease his girl its haru, oml. haru spends 99% of his day finding new and exciting ways to annoy rin cause he thinks shes cute when she’s annoyed (she is) and because hes very confident that they’ll be together forever p much no matter what (they will be). the other 1% of the day is being the sweetest guy in the world bc thats just haru, he tells rin that shes beautiful, that she’s the only girl for him, that its just facts that they would be together, and then the 1% is up and hes explaining that its bc “who else has this goth energy” and “anyway i like your tits” but! its still sweet, even though he’s annoying.

momiji sohma is a cutie! but he’s also a little shit sometimes. he’d rather be a little shit to the rest of the world, with kimi, than to her specifically though; the two of them are dramatic little shits who stage fake arguments, uncomfortable couple dynamics, overly slutty relationships, etc for the specific purpose of the Drama TM of it all. they also like to play up traditional “male and female, husband and wife” roles to the point of satire, because they think it’s funny to point out how ridiculous it is to be such stilted characters together; unfortunately, however, no one around them pays enough attention socially to figure any of it out :( but! it doesnt matter bc for the most part theyre just starting drama and making each other laugh, so its good :).

hiro sohma is v v v sweet and protective; when he gets a little older he joins the “respect women at all costs” gang with kyo, hatori, kureno, and ayame (vs the “respect women through sex” gang with yuki, shigure, haru, and momiji); he’s a bit of a shit about it bc its hiro but its very sweet! anybody comes and bothers kisa and he’s on their ass about how you can’t treat girls that way blah blah blah hiros v talkative lmao. anyway he’s cute moving on.

kyo sohma (bc i like making kyo stans wait til the end to get their man >:P) is completely obsessed with doin right by his girl. he loves tohru to bits (he’s never ever loved anyone else either, man is a tohrusexual through and through) and honestly its a little overbearing sometimes here too lmao. hc that during the v stressful time when theyre planning their wedding (and tohru is pregnant haha) kyo does his whole “let me do everything for you are you sure you should be doing that in your condition? get some rest i can do this for you also fuck anybody coming to bother her with anything yall are assholes” thing--which, normally tohru thinks is cute n sweet tbh (cause it kinda is) but when shes stressed out of her mind, hormonal, and annoyed w herself for not being able to do as much as she normally can? she gets a little snippy with him sometimes :) however its just a learning experience for them kyo eventually gets better at reading the mood and they live happily ever after forever

thanks again for the ask anon! i love doing stuff like this, anyone can feel free to send me asks whenever! special thanks to the discord for making some of these headcanons in my mind, especially @machi-kuragi, @thewinterose, and @yunsoh, and also MANYA who is not on tumblr but should be tumblr famous  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) anyway yeah all we do on discord is talk about furuba headcanons and make fun of each other so a lot of this came from collaborative efforts with them! love yall

[johnnymundano]

Class of 1999 (1990)

Directed by Mark L. Lester

Written by C. Courtney Joyner

Story by Mark L. Lester

Music by Michael Hoenig

Country: United States

Language: English

Running Time: 99 minutes

CAST

Bradley Gregg as Cody Culp

Traci Lind as Christie Langford

John P. Ryan as Mr. Hardin

Pam Grier as Miss Connors

Patrick Kilpatrick as Mr. Bryles

Stacy Keach as Dr. Robert "Bob" Forest

Malcolm McDowell as Dr. Miles Langford

Darren E. Burrows as Sonny

Joshua John Miller as Angel

Sharon Wyatt as Janice Culp

James Medina as Hector

Jason Oliver as Curt

Brent David Fraser as Flavio

Jill Gatsby as Dawn

Sean Hagerty as Reedy

And Rose McGowan as girl briefly glimpsed sat in a chair

Class of 1999 is one of those movies which were once set in the future but are now set in the past, which is always funny. It must certainly have tickled director Mark L. Lester since this is his second such movie, the first being Class of 1984 (1982). The intellectuals out there will have noticed both movies are also set in schools. Judging by the content of them I think we can infer Mark L. Lester has strong emotions about his schooldays. Negative emotions. Back in 1982 in the UK Class of 1984 upset a lot of people who decided what we could watch, and so it was not passed as uncut until 2005. Unfortunately by then I was busy self-destructing and by the time I surfaced as a functional human being DVD was passé, alas. I’m waiting for the Blu-Ray now so I still haven’t seen it, basically; but I will, I will. That cinematic bad boy sure sounds a lot harder and nastier than Class of 1999, which is the kind of goofy pulp schlock that video store chains were built on. “The year is 1999 and school’s out – FOREVER!” the tag line doesn’t run (but totally should, in howling electric lime green if possible).

Teens! Little shits! Always a problem, but particularly so in the ‘80s when feral gangs ran wild and committed heinous crimes, in fact just like they had since the teenager was invented (the 1920s) but sometimes it’s politically expedient for reactionary assholes to pretend it’s a new problem, and the ‘80s was particularly rich in reactionary assholes. So we were constantly being told that the kids weren’t alright. Movies like Class of 1984 probably helped feed the fires of hysteria and Class of 1999 seems like a kind of belated atonement for this. This time Lester seems to be mocking the ridiculous reactionary horseshit which turns troubled youth into a patsy for political and financial gain, and all the ridiculous reactionary bullshit solutions proposed which never actually address the root causes (because that would require thought, money and time) and hence do nothing to ameliorate the problem, but always end up making someone rich (usually , spookily enough, the someone sponsoring the reactionary assholes involved). You know, the kind of Twinkie® head who thinks the solution to school shootings is arming teachers. Shit, just cut straight to arming the kids as well and whoever walks out at home time wins. Televise it, monetise it, get some revenue streams going. Don’t piss about, people!

Class of 1999 certainly doesn’t piss about. By 1999, every reactionary asshole’s wet dream has come true;  all across America youth gangs with bandannas and guns have established free fire zones, where the police fear to tread and schools have begun shutting down. Obviously the problem must be the bandannas as it can’t be the guns, because what your latte drinking, book reading, cat grooming “Leftee” never gets is that no problem in America is ever down to guns; not even when it involve guns; especially not when removing guns would remove the problem. Because of the easy access to bandannas things are in such a state that the Department of Education is now the Department of Education and Defence (DED; geddit?). This rebranding allows for some real blue-skying and results in a joint project with MegaTech to take back the schools by piloting the introduction of android teachers. Mega-Tech, like any responsible corporation that probably doesn’t pay its taxes, decides to cut corners and use three military androids gathering dust due to the early end of a recent war. Things escalate quickly, and lessons are learned about simple solutions to complex problems and the evil fruits of a society which treats its kids as monsters and where bandannas are legal.

Miles Langford (Malcolm McDowell), the new principal at Seattle’s’ Kennedy High School, agrees to the use of his school for the initial introduction of the android educators. Langford is clearly a “progressive” (spit!) who wants the best for the kids (or “scum” to real, decent, working people) but is undone by his ambition; it’s a strangely nuanced performance in a remarkably (and deliberately) nuance free movie, but that’s the magic of Malcolm McDowell. Stacy Keach as MegaTech’s Dr Bob Forrest (Stacy Keach) doesn’t need nuance as he has decided to play his role in a white wig and white contacts, as an albino corporate asshole who remains perpetually unruffled no matter how bad things get. “The teachers are making hats out of the pupil’s internal organs.” a tech-head (probably a liberal who owns a book) might exclaim, only to have Dr Bob say “Wait, let’s see how things develop.” as he eats a banana. I’m not convinced Keach can actually see out of his white contact lenses but who gives a shit, it’s Stacy Keach! (The last time I saw Stacy Keach onscreen he was singing Elvis at a karaoke bar in Alexander Payne’s delightful Nebraska (2013). Stacy Keach, people!)

Dr Bob’s three androids are Mr. Hardin (John P. Ryan) for History, Ms Connors (Pam Grier) for Science and Mr. Bryles (Patrick Kilpatrick) for P.E. (and probably Geography; P.E. teachers always have to do Geography as well, in my experience; P.E. not actually being a real subject). Anyone who has wasted their eyes on the quirkier side of movies will already be excited by that list. John P. Ryan, whose jaw-popping performance in Runaway Train (1985) earned him a place in Movie Valhalla, is full-on here as a history teacher who prefers strategy to strangling but will strangle if pushed. Pam Grier should need no introduction and, despite returning to the screen here after illness, she is as lively a screen presence as ever, memorably taking an axe to the chest like it’s a gnat bouncing off her. And Patrick Kilpatrick’s name might not be known to you but he has probably died at the hands of your favourite ‘80s/’90s action star, probably as revenge for being a better actor than any of them. Basically, these three ‘droids rock. As does Bradley Gregg as Cody Culp, the youthful ex-gangbanger recently released from pokey who is caught between the gangs and the teachers like a pretzel in a car crusher. Gregg acts like he’s in a serious movie and his earnest solidity helps stop the comic book ridiculousness swamping everything. Which is no mean feat in a movie where an albino Stacy Keach eats a banana.

Obviously I was taken by the banana bit, but a lot more stuff happens in Class of 1999 than albino potassium ingestion. Unfortunately quite a lot of it involves the rival gangs who are not the most interesting part of the movie. But they do fight a lot so there is that. In fact they fight more than usual as the robo-teachers niftily set them against each other, before the kids “wise up” and take on the real enemy in a night time school siege, which swiftly descends into a slaughtertastic game of cat and mouse, or android and pupil, if you will. Despite its limitations, in 2018 Class of 1999 remains a fun film for teens, fans of films that mock reactionary assholes, people who wish The Terminator (1984) was set in a school, and, crucially, P.E. teachers who wish they could use a flamethrower on that kid who took the piss out of them for teaching Geography.

[ryouverua]

Miu and Co’s Stimulating Virtual Adventures (Part 1)

is this going to be a normal field trip?

WITH KOKICHI OUMA? NO WAY ~ !

insert shuichi groaning

Oh cool we got a whole animated sequence!

I FUCKING KNEW IT

AAAAAAH!

AAAAAAH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

THEY’RE SO FUCKING CUTE WHAT THE HELL

THIS ISN’T WHAT I EXPECTED AT ALL!!!!

Yeah, seriously! I guess I was expecting sprites similar to Hajime’s from last game, or at least an island setting - this really does look like a murder mystery manor! good god we aren’t on rokkenjima are we

I’M SENDING A STRONGLY-WORDED LETTER TO THOSE IN CHARGE

Aaaaw, it’s played off for laughs but it really is sad for K1-b0 to be constantly disparaging himself like that.

But there is good and bad about the new sprites, which someone who has been incredibly aware and sensitive of the changes in his own body probably clued into immediately...

See now that the audience knows, he can slip and say stuff like this out loud, huh? It... almost makes me wish the scene at the end of the last chapter had taken place at the end of this one. That might just be a pacing thing though...

PUSH HIM DAMN IT

PUSH HIM ON IT SHUICHI I BEG YOU

... DAMN IT HE’S NOT PUSHING HIM.

HA

I just realized, we’re going to see a lot more of people’s emotions thanks to the way the sprites work. I wonder if they directly translate to mood? Does that mean Maki and, hell, Kokichi will be more transparent here?

Omfg the literal first thing Kokichi does to K1-b0 is punch him!!! The robophobia never ends...

Wait, question though - how is it connected to K1-b0? I mean blah blah blah, brainwave technological voodoo etc is connecting all the other kids to the helmets, but what about for K1-b0? How does that work? I... guess it’s better not to think about it too hard? 8′D

Man, Iruma’s a lot cuter here too. Also, seems like a good time to mention I’m totally in love with their little headshots at the bottom left with the little animated dialogue bubbles. The others might not like the sprites, but I like it, Miu! Maybe it’s just different when you’re in a 3rd person POV vs 1st person POV?

I love it when Tsumugi goes off like the total fucking nerd she is.

DAMN WE’RE NOT EVEN ON A TROPICAL ISLAND AND PEOPLE ARE STILL GETTING BURNED

LEAVE K1-B0 ALONE KOKICHI JEEZ

So basically they’re leaving the door open for someone to be killed in here. I figured that would be the case...

Kaito is pretty quick on understanding too which I appreciate, considering how they’ve been playing up his ‘brash dumb’ character type up lately.

You are way too happy about that.

Though it also means that if someone dies in here, we’re not going to see any marks left on the body in the real world or here? That’s not good either!

Yeah, that’s... honestly what I’d like to know. Seriously, wouldn’t Miu have found it when recoding everything if it was in here already? And if she did, why wouldn’t she tell them?

I’m telling you, Tsumugi being a snobby nerd will never get old to me. You know she’s got a N64, Super Nintendo, and maybe even older consoles like Atari and Dreamcast tucked away somewhere!

It’s funny - Kokichi doesn’t reference games nearly as much as Tsumugi, but he’s clearly a gamer too. Makes sense I suppose - I always think of a chessboard when I look at his scarf.

I’m sure this info will come in handy, but not sure how yet. 

THAT WILL DEFINITELY BE IMPORTANT FOR GONTA-RELATED REASONS

NO DAMN IT STOP DEATHFLAGGING HIM BY NEUTRALIZING HIS ADVANTAGES DAMN IT

This... really sounds like they’re setting up the rules for a murder mystery game...

Maki made an interesting note about the game - when you take physical advantage away and talent in general, it’ll completely change how a killing game would potentially go down. But I mean... wouldn’t that just be battle royal-type slaughter? Not that any kind of killing game can be considered ‘elegant’, but I can’t help but wonder why a brutal option like this is available at all..

Also can I just say the remixed music and the cute little noises when they waddle around... I love this. I love this, guys. Also watching Shuichi run is hilarious tbh.

A wild rarepair Kaito x Tsumugi appears???

I’m telling you, we’re going to be seeing more of everyone’s genuine emotions on their face here! Man, I’m really liking this set up already.

Kokichi is desperate to ship Kaito with anyone other than Shuichi so he can have Mr Detective all to himself

I think it means he falls for Kokichi’s verbal bait way too easily. 8′D But hey, Tsumugi doesn’t seem to be against Kaito’s interest! Not... obviously, anyway. just gonna casually that pairing to the question mark pile...

Yeah, that’s a pretty classic Kokichi move and... that’s... also a really bad idea. Maybe this is a good chance for Shuichi to get to know him in the context of the game as opposed to FTEs?

Okay, is it just me or is he trying to piss Kaito off especially right now??

NO GONTA YOU’RE TOO GOOD FOR THIS WORLD AND THE ABSOLUTE WRONG CHOICE TO WATCH KOKICHI

fml if Kokichi gets Gonta killed which is where I feel like this is going I will be so upset - but I feel like Kokichi won’t do it himself??? Maybe someone attacks Kokichi and Gonta puts himself in harm’s way instead and dies instead? Like, Kokichi is basically turning Gonta into a goon of his, and we all know what happens in movies and games to the henchmen of ‘Supreme Leaders’...

Honestly guys, how soon do we forget? Are we really going to let them go off together like this? The Bug Meet-and-Greet was literally just a week ago! I know a lot has happened since then, but still!

I do like that both Maki (not included) and Kaito caught on that Kokichi pulled that trick on purpose to have Gonta with him - I just wish they followed up!

On the other hand, we could just as easily get Tsumugi murdering Miu lmao. I’m telling you, if Miu shows up dead...

I didn’t need this in here but I kept it because he’s adorable like this

SHIT THAT’S RIGHT THAT’S HOW MY DOG REACTS WHENEVER HE JUMPS IN THE SNOW I-I mean don’t call Kaito a dog, Maki! That’s not very nice even if it is accurate

Man, I’m starting to wonder if Tsumugi is going to kill Miu here for real 8′D

Always a ray of sunshine, our Sweetcheeks. I’m leaning towards them having some sort of incident happen by the end of this, if not an outright murder. They’re talking too much about how the brain and senses experiencing ‘death’ and causing the body to follow suit for them not to do anything with it. I mean, I guess the exception would be if it’s talking about an overall VR experience like the last game!

So the storage room is pretty much empty and the binoculars can only see as far as the line on the map which Miu is going to explain too. Man, the more things get set up, the more convinced I am that someone isn’t going to make it to the end of the chapter...

Next K1-b0 has an interesting bit of dialogue about how there’s nothing beyond the walls of this world, and how it makes him think about the academy walls. Which... again, I think is leaning towards an apocalyptic world/space scenario? It certainly seems that way to me. It’s interesting to have him point it out though, for some reason. 8′D

I’m 99% sure that’s her default setting, but okay.

weird tangents like this is why I love shuichi

It’s like, a legitimate thing to fixate on and worry about and I totally relate to it but at the same time I’m sure he recognizes how ridiculous it sounds in his head

Isn’t that you? 8′D

oMFG WH A T

WHY ARE YOU DOING HIM WRONG LIKE THIS MIU

MAKI NO I THOUGHT YOUR ROASTING DAYS WERE FINALLY BEHIND YOU

HIMIKO I THOUGHT WE WERE BONDING EARLIER

WE WERE BONDING DAMN IT

I’m shocked that the sprite is able to capture the absolute betrayal on it face but somehow, it does

whispers this is getting its own special post

“Look at my glorious self, doing you the favour of allowing you to prostrate yourself in front of all your classmates!”

Miu you’re making a lot of enemies this chapter, including the sub (lol) protagonist. We've already had one first POV murder - do we really want another one?

That’s going to go missing at some point. If the murder happens, maybe the murderer will grab it and hide it or something?

"Oh, I’ve been lurking here for a while! But I needed some time to come up with my best masochist!Shuichi jokes and lines. You’re not going to hear the end of this for a long time, Masoichi Subhara!”

... or that. could be that too.

Hm, so I guess it’s on the other side of the map. It would be one thing of Kokichi is by himself but Gonta is with him and I trust him way farther than I’d be able to throw him and Kokichi for that matter

KAITO NO YOU’RE MAKING THINGS WORSE

OMFG SHUICHI IS JUST A COMPLETE WRECK AFTER WHAT JUST HAPPENED

And you know Kokichi is totally trying to figure out what he missed, and why all the other classmates are giving the two of them weird looks/snickering...

Oh, and now we’re finally getting to the line shown in the map.

Kokichi are you just trying to cash in some Saiouma chips because you realize how much Saimota happened when you were away with Gonta? 8′D 

H-Hey don’t look at me, look at Miu! She started it!

Okay at this point I will be shocked if there isn’t a murder here or some sort of incident causing a murder in the real world.

Also Kokichi you’re way too happy about this...

What are you playing at here man???

And you! Shouldn’t you know where it is since you reprogrammed the whole thing?!?!

Miu and Kokichi are conspiring about something??? Again???

Please don’t fall for it...

..... Yikes. 8′D I-I’ll give it to him because I have a feeling his failing health and the events of last chapter regarding the occult probably have him feeling emasculated.

Yeah, seriously. So Kaito is on the roof, Kokichi is in the salon and... free for all for everything else. Uh, okay....?

IF GONTA FUCKING TURNS UP DEAD KOKICHI I SWEAR I WILL DUEL YOU IN A SHADOW GAME MYSELF duel links has upped my skill somewhat I should be able to hold my own...

Thank goodness for Tsumugi’s odd affinity for Gonta oTL

a) Maybe this is the chance for us to get to know Tsumugi a little better in-game since we’re going to explore the rest of the mansion together

b) Kaito really has no bloody idea how he and Shuichi’s relationship comes off to the rest of their classmates (or maybe he does and he’s a-okay with it)

c) MAKI...... 

oh no

THAT’S.... NOT..... QUITE IT.....

nothing like the sting of figuring out you’re third-wheeling 

This is in no way the game trying to establish groups and/or alibis. Got it.

Left side: Kokichi, Gonta, Kaito, Shuichi, Tsumugi

Right side: Miu, Himiko, Maki, K1-b0. Alright, good to know.

I really don’t need this to be here but the fact that Kaito is so woefully oblivious and also apparently just... completely into Maki as a friend only is  hilarious to me. I mean, maybe the game will push more romantic feelings on his side in the last chapter but he’s just coming off as so gung-ho about their friendship without taking it to the next level - it’s just.... so refreshing...

It’s nice to see Kaede always being in his thoughts outside of general ‘I must do this for Kaede! Inspiration via manpain!’ stuff.

FUCK YES I THINK I’M RIGHT ABOUT THE ESCAPISM SECONDARY THEME we’re finally bringing it up in nearly identical words again! sorry tsumugi things aren’t looking good for you mastermind-wise

With that said, of all people, she dismisses it herself. 8′D Maybe if the game had better graphics engine - would that be good enough for you princess???

DANGANRONPA YOU ARE DANCING ON A KNIFE’S EDGE RIGHT NOW

Man I keep dancing back and forth between the idea of her being a victim this chapter and a killer and I just... can’t... decide on one. Ugh. The only thing that keeps me from thinking she’ll be a victim is having Gonta right there, raising just as many death flags as her. I-I guess we’ll find out shortly anyway...

Meanwhile while I ramble, K1-b0 has Priorities

[angoracactus]

The Cat and The Beans

I’ve always been a secretive person, even as a kid. I don’t often let people in to see my emotions and thoughts. Part of this comes down to personality. I also think part of it came from the way I was raised. Whatever the cause, the effect has been that I keep secrets sometimes. This can create problems, like bottling things up instead of getting them out in the open and dealing with them. Or it can have repercussions on trust. When people realize you’ve been keeping a secret, it hurts, because they feel like you don’t trust them. It can also undermine their trust of you, as they begin to ask themselves what else you’re hiding.

I’ve been keeping a secret. It’s not a very big secret, but it’s big enough that after telling my sister about it, she has developed some anger toward me. I understand that completely, and I don’t blame her. I would feel the same way if she’d kept the same kind of secret from me. 

My reasons for keeping the secret are probably not very good, but the main reason has been the absurdity of it. The situation in question is pretty ridiculous, and that’s made it really easy for me to feel justified in keeping it to myself.  

At the end of last December, over the break for the holidays, my cousin was over at my house. For a few months she had been nagging me to find a boyfriend and start dating. It became a running joked with us. That day, she had the idea to make me an online dating profile. I reluctantly agreed, as a joke, and we put together a goofy bio and uploaded a photo onto Christian Mingle. We laughed about it and looked through the matches that popped up. Right away I received a couple messages, one from a 40-something year old man and another from a 19-year-old boy. You can create an account for free, but they make you pay to use any features. We couldn’t even read the messages I got without paying. Obviously we weren’t going to do that, which was disappointing for her, but a relief for me! The unsuitable ages of the message senders creeped my out, so I disabled the account and that was that.

A day or so passed, but my curiosity had been sparked, and I began to think, “I wonder what it’s really like on other dating sites?” So I googled and found a list of the features you can access with free accounts on all the various sites. OkCupid had a lot for free, so I created an account, expecting to delete it within a few days after I’d explored it a little. Since I wasn’t seriously trying to date anyone, when I filled out the bio wrote it pretty tongue-in-cheek. On OkCupid they have questions that you answer about yourself and about the kind of person you’re looking for. They’re a bit addicting, and I had a lot of fun answering the questions and adding funny notes to my answers. I actually learned some things about myself. I also realized things about what really matters to me in a potential partner. 

So after a while, I decided to upload a photo. I guess this is when I started to think, “Well as long as I’m here...” My attitude was pretty “Why not?” Even before I put a photo, I’d gotten a few messages. Obviously, even if you’re not a bombshell, you get more messages with a photo. Overall, I didn’t get a ton, which would have hurt my ego if I had actually cared. Well... ok maybe it hurt my ego a tiny bit, haha. 

Anyway, none of the messages were too creepy. Most were kinda cheesy. Some were pretty funny. Looking at profiles felt really weird. It’s just too easy to judge people based on their looks, especially when they don’t say much in their bio. It was also really weird to imagine them as real men, living real lives, in real life. I mean, all social media is a filtered, glamorized, or abridged version of our real personal lives. But I feel like online dating is a form of social media that really vividly shows the conflict between what we want people to think about us, and who we really are. There are a lot of implications, in what you say, as well as what you don’t say. Online dating feels like watching a singer lip-syncing to a track. 

There are algorithms on OkCupid that calculate a percentage of compatibility between you and another person, based on the questions you answer about yourself and what you’re looking for. It was interesting to look at the profiles of dudes I had a high percentage match with and think about whether they seemed to really be the kind of person I could imagine dating. Sometimes they were, sometimes not. Sometimes guys with lower matches had profiles I liked better, but one or two things, like religion/faith or smoking habits, made us incompatible. It was pretty thought-provoking. As a writer, it was also interesting to see all the different kinds of men and the unique personalities and how they presented themselves. It gave me a lot of ideas for future stories and poems. 

The way the site is set up, there are “visits,” “likes,” and “messages.” You can see a list of everyone who “visits” your profile. You get a notification when someone clicks the star and “likes” you, but you can’t see who it is unless A) you pay for a premium account, or B) you happen to click their star and “like” them too. When you both “like” one another, you are “mutual likes.” I guess you’re “in like” with them, haha. The star is available to click either on someone’s photo on the main page, or on someone’s profile. 

I found it surprising and strange that I got a lot more likes than visits, probably three or four times as many. I’m guessing a lot of dudes just scroll through the list of women and star them all, to increase their chances of getting a mutual like. That’s kinda depressing... Those poor, desperate little dudes.

I set my preferences to filter matches to “nearby,” so when I scrolled through the main page I only saw men within a radius around my city. However, if someone else had their filter set to allow matches from “anywhere,” I would show up in their feed of potential matches. I got some visits and messages from men in other states or other countries. One guy lived in Sweden. Several men from Morocco and other places in Northern Africa messaged me. I think we got high matches because they were muslims, which was kind of funny, and also weird. 

It honestly was all pretty weird. I did reply to a few messages for fun, only if they had an interesting bio, or a funny leading line. 

Then... there was this guy...

He visited my profile first. He was from Ohio. We had a really high match percentage, like 98% or 99%. I didn’t have many matches that high. So, I visited his profile, and he seemed interesting, and he was kinda cute.

At this point I’d only been on the site for a few days, and I didn’t understand the whole star/like thing, so I didn’t do anything. Then he visited me back, and we went back and forth a few times, haha, before I figured it out and clicked the star on him. The notification popped up that we had a mutual like... That was scary, haha. Overall I clicked the star to “like” four or five profiles, but he was the only mutual like. 

(just for the record, I got hundreds of “likes.” I think the number was over 300 or 400 before I deleted my account after a month or two. I will admit, it boosted the ego, haha, even though I knew they were mostly from guys just going through and clicking the star on every chick on the site.) 

Anyways, this guy. He messaged me after that. And we talked. And it was really scary and funny and interesting. Part of me was excited by how cool he was, but part of me figured this was just for fun, because of how unlikely it was that we’d ever meet, living states away. After a while he gave me his Instagram account and I followed him. Later we messaged through the Instagram messages. Then we added one another on Facebook and we talked on there. Now we’ve been talking for 6 months, which is kinda weird... well, really weird. 

At first, I didn’t tell anyone in my life that I was using a dating site, because it was embarrassing, and I wasn’t taking it seriously at all. Then I didn’t tell anyone I was talking to someone I’d met on a dating site, because it was embarrassing, and I figured it was likely to fizzle out before we ever met in person. Then I didn’t tell anyone that I’d been talking to someone for half-a-dozen months, because it was embarrassing, and since we haven’t met in person yet, I still felt a little unsure about it, and I wanted to wait until I felt more confident before I had to deal with the drama of people––specifically my mom––overreacting about it. 

But then he made me tell my sister. 

The way it happened was, in the beginning of April, he and I were talking and joking on Facebook, and as a joke he “liked” a couple of my Facebook photos. However, they weren’t my photos. They were photos posted by my sister, and I was just tagged in them. It happened at 3am, but within seconds my sister texted me a screenshot of the notification she’d gotten, and then she texted “who?” 

I panicked. I didn’t feel ready to tell her about him, because of the reasons stated previously, so I told a white lie. I told her that he was a friend from Instagram. This implied that A) he and I were just friends, and B) that we had met on Instagram. The first was not completely true, and the second was definitely not true. I misled her, and I immediately felt guilty about that, and in the back of my mind it haunted me for three months. I also chose not to bring it up to him, because that would have been even more awkward, and I didn’t want him to feel weird about it.

Fast forward to the end of June. He and I had gotten to know one another a lot more. One day, I was using the Facebook messenger app, and we were talking and joking, and the subject of telling people about one another comes up. I wound up telling him the story about the photos and the likes and my sister. It’s a pretty funny story, and I tried playing up the humor because I didn’t want to be too awkward about it. I also told him that I was ashamed that I hadn’t told my sister the truth.  

The next day, he and I talked a little more, and again I used messenger. He was being goofy, but a little strange. I figured he was just in a weird goofy mood. Then that night, I texted my sister about something, and she replied to my text, and then texted, “Who the poop is B____ P____?! lol” 

I knew something must have prompted this. I got onto Facebook and I had several notifications. After I told him the story the day before, he had gone and liked a few of my sister’s photos I was tagged in. Then he’d liked some more that day. 

I knew what he was trying to do, but I was freaking out a little bit. I messaged him, “I don’t know what to tell her,” and he messaged back “Just do.” So, I texted her an abbreviated explanation, and apologized. She said she read my texts after waking up from a nap and she thought it was a dream, hahaha! I was very embarrassed, but it was also a relief. 

So, now she knows, and she’s in on the secret.