#which naturally lead them to growing into the abusive assholes they are today

[1pcii]

thinking about younger 124ji as years of this kind of unchecked thinking and behaviour, mixed with their unnatural lack of empathy bringing them to the cartoonist extremes they display in canon.

[treesandtheirberries]

Dad!Harry talks to his daughter about her questioning sexuality PART 2

part one

(Thank you all for liking the last post, my heart is so full.)

More about the twins, parents' discussions, and a girl's day of insight and vulnerability.

WC: 3.5 k

-----

After tucking June in bed, much to her playful annoyance, Harry made his way to the bedroom where the love of his life was resting. Crossing the hallway, he smiled to himself. There was nothing he loved more than being a trusted father. Having this responsibility lifted him, it guided him to be even better. Just replaying the conversation he had in his head was bringing extra moisture to his eyes. What could he say? He was a natural softie, this (y/n) knew so it was no different with his babies.

Right before making it to his shared bedroom, he instead turned to make his way to the younger ones' room. (y/n) might possibly be crossed with him if she finds out he awoke them just for some kisses, but she didn't have to know.

Shuffling into the room, lit by a nightlight that displayed soft stars on the kids' ceiling, he noticed both of them whispering to one another. Having them share a room was the conscious decision of the parents. Although they had a few rooms to spare, they preferred the twins to sleep together, as they quickly noticed how the two reacted when apart. Oftentimes, they'll find Mick in Mazzy's bed, or vice-versa. It is clear to the parents that the twins are most comfortable with one another, and separating them seemed borderline abusive.

"Hmmm, what're you two on about? Late, innit?" Harry softly spoke, with a smile on his face to clear any seriousness in his words.

"Dadaaaa" Mazzy dragged, smiling that her father was here. She sat up on her bed, making grabby arms as to drag her father further into the room. He was so weak for his babies and quickly made his way to her.

"Mazzy meet friends today. Talk dada," Mick explained in an annoyed tone, which Harry obviously found hilarious. Pardon him for not knowing the basis of their conversations. As he smiled to himself, he wrapped his arm around Mazzy as she further burrowed himself on his side, and he extended his hand to Mick (whose bed was a very short distance away from Mazzy's). "Bedtime dada, momma said sleep" Mick said seriously to his father as he reluctantly grabbed his hand.

Harry and (y/n) could see the personalities of the two strongly already: Mick adopted the role of the carrying older brother despite being born only six minutes before, and Mazzy the clumsy, caring younger sister. The twins upheld their roles quite well, and because of their personalities, they rarely left each others' sides.

"Oh baby, I know she did but I just want some snuggies. Don't kill me, 'kay?" Harry said, pulling his arm so Mick would get the message to hug his father. Despite wanting to seem ever-so mature, loved nothing more than to hug the most important man of his life and finally succumbed to 'snuggies'.

"Mumma said to sleep for school, dada," Mazzy inquisitively said to Harry, looking up at him questioning.

"Yes baby, you two need to start sleeping more, you'll start preschool later this year, and mums' not sure if they do nappy time like in daycare." He rubbed both of their backs in unison as he saw them interlock hands on his stomach. These moments, he thinks, are the exact reason he does what he does. He wants nothing more than to support his babies (all four, actually) and be able to watch them grow. "Just wanted to give you guys some kissies. Kissies please?" He finished by puckering his lips as he looks down at the two.

They giggle and lean up to press soft kisses on his cheeks simultaneously.

"Now what's this about some friends, Mazzy?"

"Yes papa, so nice to me. Mick wants to hear if good friends."

Harry continued to rub their backs, so proud of their bond. "Good job Mick, always taking care of your sister. You know she'll always do the same for you too."

"I know dada, told me Aidan was rude to her. We not friends again." Mick stated, again making his father's chest filled with pride.

"Good, we all know we need to treat our friends nicely but if they are not kind back, we can't let ourselves be their friends. What do we do, babes?"

The kids smiled, playfully annoyed once again yet said together: "treat people with kindness." dragging it out as most kids do with very little seriousness.

"I've gotta go now, let's tuck you both in so momma will never know I was here, 'kay?" He lifted Mick in his arms and carried him the short distance to his bed, while Mazzy tucked her legs back in her blankie. Making sure Mick was cozy, he planted a wet kiss on his forehead.

"Dadaaa" Mick smiled, knowing his father's antics by now.

After placing another kiss on Mazzy's head, he placed a palm on both of the children's bellies. "I love you two so dearly. You guys, June, and your mum are the best things in my life. Rest up so we can have another fun day tomorrow babies."

He finally made his way out of their room, seeing the two burrowings further into their respective blankets with their eyes closed filling his heart. Sneaking his phone out, he snapped a quick picture and sent it to his wife so she could keep a copy of the moment. (although, through this, he effectively ruined the small secret of waking them.) Fuck it, he'll just say this is how he found them.

-----

"She wanted to talk about the Sage situation?" (y/n) guessed, as her beloved crossed the threshold and planted himself face-first on their king bed. All spread out, he moved his back to crack it, due to the stress of every day and ... well, age.

"Said she heard about my sexuality more than yours. Bet you're jealous huh?"

"Please, I know the bond you two have. Is she okay though? You gave her the good ole' 'we'll always be there' parent talk?" (y/n) never doubted his ability to be a father, but these circumstances were a bit more sensitive than other matters. She finally shut her book, placing it on the bedside table that holds Harry and her's current reads. There was no better end to her day than kissing her babies and reading alongside the love of her life.

"She's okay, I think. It's hard for her, obviously. I hate seeing her in pain but this is just one of those things she has to do. As long as she knows we're here, I don't expect it to be too difficult?" He pondered. He did mean it, being a questioning teenager is difficult as is but adding sexuality to the equation? He was fortunate enough to be so self-assured that the concept of questioning himself wasn't that turbulent. "But she wants to hear from you too, obviously. Be prepared to share your life story babe," he giggled, turning his head to see his wife who now began to stroke his hair. God, that really did it when he was tired.

"Yeah, I think I recall her saying this week was slow since she finished exams, so would you agree that we could take a girl's day in light of it all?" She pondered, wanting to assure her daughter in the best, normal way possible.

Harry finally sat up, only to cuddle into his wife's arms. This was another reason he knew the two were soulmates: she loved being the big spoon as much as he liked being held in her arms. "Yes, definitely a good idea. Mhm, what'd I do to have someone as mindful and loving as you? M'life would be incomplete without you, you're everything to me, love." Still feeling as 'lovey-dovey' as ever, he burrowed his head further into her, almost physically absorbing the love she poured out.

"I just want her to feel normal, I guess. When I finally came out, it seemed like it was the only interesting thing about me. It was the only point of conversation for a while, and I don't want June to feel like it's such a hugely different thing. She's still our baby, always will be."

"Hmm, the parenting books have nothing on us. So happy we're a team," he says, grabbing one of her hands to intertwine their fingers. "Gives me a love boner just thinking about how good we are, God."

"Narcissistic asshole. Want a bedtime handie?"

Her words make him shudder, a moan itching to be released. "M'done for with you."

She smiles at his words, knowing that the man in her arms is unlike the general population in that he prefers her hand far over her mouth. Shifting a bit, she kept one arm around his shoulders, to keep him close, and inched the other one to his briefs. They were firm believers in comfortable sleeping, which often lead to sleeping in only undergarments or less. She began to touch him softly through the fabric, already feeling how hard he was. "Oh baby, what's got you all worked up already?" It was a taunting tone, something about their position made it common sense that he'd be more submissive tonight.

"Please, (y/n). Just a quick hand, please." He shifted his hips, trying to get her soft hand to come down harder. Lucky for him, she wasn't in a mood to see him suffer and pressed the heel of her hand more firmly. "You know exactly what that does to me. Please baby, I'll be quiet."

"I know you will, you deserve this, 'kay?" She finally ended the small foreplay and moved her fingers into his briefs. Having been with her for over 15 years, (y/n) knew exactly what got Harry off the quickest. Nothing sold him out faster than a quick, sloppy hand, and her coaxing and appraisal always made him finish embarrassingly fast. Wrapping her hand around his length, she immediately began to jerk him off, wiping his precome to make it smoother. "Such a good daddy to our babies, best father out there I swear."

Her words made him shudder, even more, her touch making him extremely sensitive. Given her arm wrapped around him, he moved his head to the crevice of her neck, feeling shy from her praise. "(y/n), you're going to-" he was interrupted by her thumbing his head again, letting out a breathy moan, "god, make me cum so quick, please."

"It's okay baby, come on now, give it to me." She smirked as she felt him press soft kisses to her neck, almost as a thank you for the fucking phenomenal handie he was receiving.

His breath increased, indicating he was nearing his peak. He began to whimper ever so slightly, wriggling in place and only pushing himself closer to her. "Cumming, god m'cumming." he moaned, finally releasing over her hand.

(y/n) didn't end there though, still dragging her hand to rub his cum down his length and creating a click-ing sound. It was left unsaid that he loved to be overstimulated and milked.

Finally pulling her hand out after Harry begged her it was enough, she got up to grab a hand towel from their en suite restroom. Coming back, she found him with his eyes shut, clearly ready for sleeping.

"Budge up, or this'll get all gross in the morning."

Moving sluggishly, he allowed her to clean. "Come on now, let me do the same to you," he slurred as he flipped on his side, patting the bed.

"No baby, that's alright. Just wanna sleep with 'ya." She smiled at him fondly, noticing his eyes once again shutting in content. The two were almost annoying cuddlers, and they were practically seared together when it came to sleeping.

"Alright, in my arms 'ya go now. Come." He said faintly as she crawled into the space he made for her. Immediately squishing her face in his chest, he wrapped both arms around her back, caging her in and digging his fingers in her loose hair. "Love you," he whispered, although given his face was over her head, it was pretty muffled.

"Love you."

------------------

"Let's do three more deep breaths, and then we can go see what your mum made for breakfast," Harry indicated, eyes still shut as he sat cross-legged by Mazzy and Mick on the floor, June also sitting on one of the twins' bed.

Before the two parents gave birth to June, Harry insisted that it would be vital to teach their children meditation: a practice that would help them understand and work through their emotions. (y/n) agreed quickly, after hearing many testimonials online of increased mindfulness in small toddlers. Harry tried more often than not to do what he called "Good Morning Heart" exercises before school, but if he was out (y/n) had no problem doing it alone. Today though, the two woke up slightly later than usual and had to split up their duties.

"Okay, good. Keep your eyes closed for now, my bugs. I want you to think about one thing you hope to achieve today. Talk to a new kid maybe, or participate in class. Anything, and take another deep breath as you think of it."

"Dada, done now," Mazzy said, smiling wide at her father. Obviously having meditated her whole life (although they didn't consider it meditation, more so family time) she was used to these exercises and her father leading the group. She didn't know exactly why they did it, but being able to frame your day as positive before it even starts did boost her already positive demeanor.

"Good job baby, so proud of you. Why don't you go run down to see your mama? Not on the stairs though."

"I take her, dada!" Mick excitedly said, unknowingly to others, his positive goal for the day was protecting his 'baby' sister.

Harry smiled, dimples shinning as he saw the two siblings scurry down the hall. "Finished bug?" He asked as June and he were the only two left in the twins' room.

"Yeah, going to ask mom about everything."

"She's ready, and she's so fucking proud of you."

"Thank you, Dad, for everything. I mean it." June leaned over to give him a hug, making her cheek squish against his shoulder. He moved his head over to give her a kiss over her hair, closing his eyes for a second, basking in the life full of love he manifested.

"You didn't hear it from me, but I have an insider report your mum made chocolate pancakes."

-----------

"Come here for your kisses, don't try to weasel out of it," (y/n) laughed, putting her arm over the center console to pucker her lips. Mick was first, giving his mom a kiss on the cheek, dimples resembling his father's. Mazzy followed with obtaining their daily kiss before daycare, both stumbling their way out of the car to meet a teacher that helped them inside. "God they're so precious, as are you," (y/n) said, as she softly pinches June's cheek.

"Mooom," June dragged, now in the 'always embarrassed by parents' teenager phase. "Could we talk about Yesterday? You know, with whatever Dad said?”

“Yes! Actually, before we start would it be cool if we play hooky?” There wasn’t a ‘cooler’ parent between the two as they usually were very lenient, but this definitely bought (y/n) some cool parent points.

“What?! Are you sure? Is Dad okay with it?”

“Of course, he encouraged it really. Just a girl's day for us, can go shopping and eat lunch? Whad’ya think babe?”

“Freak it.” Or for translation, June’s way of saying fuck it.

—————

“Can you maybe … tell me how it worked for you? How you … decided?” June said nervously, still nervous about the topic.

“Yeah, of course, baby. It’s a much longer story than your fathers, but I’ll try to condense it:

“At your age, it’s such a period of confusion, and a lot of times your family can agitate that. From seventh grade to about my senior year of high school, I had what I now call my ‘identity crisis. Really, it was rooted in sexual confusion and overall expression but at the time, it was the most dramatic thing happening since the death of mom.”

The two were sitting in the car, having stopped by a local cafe for coffee before sitting in the mall parking lot. It was an odd place, but comfortable given the two were together. (y/n) and Harry prided themselves off of being an open family and sharing details of their past, but this wasn’t something June had heard of in such detail yet. Because of this, she was extremely absorbed in what her mother was saying.

“It’s really funny to me now, because that’s how I deal with things, I guess. But at the moment, I was-“ (y/n) turned her head to look out the window of the car, needing a small moment before recalling the most difficult time of her life. “It’s ridiculous because I know I should say losing mom was painful, but this whole sexuality thing tore me apart in a different way. It was silent, and it was internal. There was no one I could tell, not until my junior year.

“Anyway, going back to the plotline, yes. I did have a close friend I liked. She is mainly the reason I began to question, that and being a little too obsessed with Stevie Nicks. Sidebar: that was one thing that your father and I initially bonded on.” (y/n) finally lifted her head to see her daughter who stared at her with much adoration. Although she was a mother, this specific conversation still made her extremely insecure due to years of denial from family. She could only hope to raise her kids in a contrasting environment. “It was really hard, and I did become depressed and, well, suicidal frankly. Coming from a background like mine, there isn’t a ‘good’ view on anyone who is gay and that combined with my father's overall conserved nature, I was terrified. Then there was the back-and-forth: am I gay? Am I straight? Am I faking it? Does it matter? And the answer, to the last one at least, is yes it does fucking matter.”

“It made you that sad? Trying to figure it out? Dad says I’ll always be the same girl, why was it such a big deal for grandpa?”

“It was hard on me that I didn’t have someone noticing this pain I was going through. I, unfortunately, did not have someone to tell me that it was okay, and it was normal. God, I felt like such a deviant,” (y/n) laughed in an attempt at raising the mood. “When I finally got around to telling your grandpa, he said that mom mentioned it to him once, before she passed. He claims that she said I was going to be different, and he would have to understand that. Mothers always know. And he did, at least, he tried. It was hard to go from always saying future husband to future partner but he got the hang of it. You’re never too old to change your views and grandpa is the best example of that. He’s also very proud of his son-in-law for being so open about everything including sexuality, says that makes our relationship stronger and is the biggest reason he permitted your Dad to propose.”

"I don't even know what to say, that's kind of insane mom."

(y/n) laughed. The pain of her past has subsided over the years, and it was relieving to be able to recount it. "So insane. What else can I say about this? Two aunts were really rude about it and dad got so angry. It made me cry seeing him fight for me. After that, things just all worked out. It's still a hard topic, it took me forever to tell your dad. I thought he was going to be grossed out," (y/n) laughed again out of remembrance, cheeks warming from embarrassment.

"Mom! How could he, I'm sure he was the same as when you two met but dad would beat himself if he ever hurt you. And, that's really nice to hear about grandpa." June was amused over the change of topic and touched her mom was letting this information out.

"No, no. He's always been so attentive and needy," (y/n) giggled, June joining. "You should ask him about it, he's such a sap but that story especially gets a few tears out of him."

"Oh, definitely will do."

-------------

After the two had strolled around the mall a bit and found a few new pieces of clothing (what could (y/n) say, she had the tiniest shopping addiction) June opened up the conversation once more.

"So, how long does it take to know know."

"Oh babe, there's no number I can give you that works for everyone. You can't really but a timeline on these things. I will say there are stages, like definitely a questioning period, but you might not spend time experimenting with labels or you will. It's really hard to say. Personally, it was like six-ish years for me?"

They continued to roam the store, June now looking at jeans with embroidered details. "Hm." She looked deep in thought, but not nearly as conflicted as Harry described her to be the night prior. "I'm thinking about it mom, and I might be sure about it."

As (y/n) moved June into her arms into a Styles' classic bear hug, she hummed in joy. "I am so happy to hear that baby. We are so proud of you, and you're still our same baby but you're developing your identity and we're just so proud to be your parents. Please, babe, don't worry about this, we're here always to defend you through anything. Although, half of our friends and family are gay or something too." (y/n) gave her a smirk, both chuckling at the situation. "Now, if we're done here maybe we can stop by your dad's fav strawberry dealer, he sent me a message he was craving some."

June followed her mom out of the store after deciding to buy the jeans, body warming at the thought of having what she considered to be the best parents in the world.

_____________________________________________________

Part two done! kinda obsessed with this storyline now, so let me know what else you want to see from this precious family. ily!

[splendidlyimperfect]

When Natsu runs into five-year-old Sting and Rogue at the Grand Magic Games, he thinks they’re cute kids with a serious case of hero worship. But when it turns out that they’re both Dragon Slayers and they belong to the ruthless Sabertooth Guild, something doesn’t feel quite right. Natsu and Gray quickly grow protective of the two little kids, and they do their best to build a relationship with them to try to keep them safe and figure out what exactly is going on at Sabertooth.

Chapter Summary: As Gray heals from his wounds, Lucy helps him and Natsu try to figure out how to get the kids away from Sabertooth.

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Relationships: Natsu/Gray, Rogue/Sting Characters: Natsu, Gray, Sting, Rogue, Lucy, Erza, Yukino Tags: Canon Universe, Dragon Slayers, Parenting, Adoption, PTSD, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, basically stingue are adorable baby dragon slayers and Natsu wants to adopt them, and then he kind of does, Trans Gray, Trans Sting, Nonbinary Rogue, ADHD Natsu, ADHD Sting, Autistic Rogue

**tw for talk of child abuse and descriptions of injuries from abuse**

-----

Gray woke slowly to a pressure on his chest, and the sound of giggling. He slowly cracked open one eye, wincing at the bright light that filled his vision.

“Uncle Gray!”

The light quickly disappeared, and a small, pudgy face took its place in Gray’s field of vision. Sting’s curls were wild and tangled, but a bright smile crossed his face when Gray managed to focus on him.

“Hi.” He poked Gray’s cheek. “You sleeped for a long time. I maked the bad stuff go away and it was yesterday but now it’s today and the sun is up.”

Continue reading on AO3

Gray blinked a few times, trying to focus his blurry vision. He attempted to move his arm up to rub his face, but a heavy weight kept it at his side. When he looked down, he realized that Rogue was curled up next to him. They gave him a shy smile and cuddled closer.

“Hey,” Gray said, voice hoarse. A dull ache radiated from his chest, and he looked down to see several raised scars across his skin. Sting placed a hand on his forehead and a soft, warm light spread through him, pushing the pain away. He blinked in surprise and looked at Sting. “How did you…”

“It’s his magic.” Natsu appeared beside the bed and ruffled Sting’s hair affectionately. “He saved you.” His voice was bright, but Gray could see the deep lines of concern behind the casual words. “How’re you feeling?”

“Like I got my ass handed to me,” Gray admitted, letting Natsu help him sit up against the headboard. The pain was gone, but he still felt a bone-deep exhaustion and a tightness in his chest.

“You kinda did,” Natsu said as he sat down onto the bed next to Gray. Sting happily settled onto Natsu’s lap, while Rogue moved with Gray and stayed curled up under his arm. “You almost died,” Natsu added softly. He took Gray’s hand and squeezed it. “The medic said the poison had spread too far and she couldn’t do anything, but…”

“I fixed it,” Sting said when Natsu looked down at him. His expression was a mix of pride and uncertainty. “I taked the bad stuff and put good stuff instead.” He tentatively touched the scars on Gray’s chest. Gray frowned when he saw tears welling up in Sting’s eyes.

“Hey,” he said gently, reaching out for the little boy. “C’mere.” Sting let Gray pull him into a hug, and he wrapped his arms tightly around Gray’s neck. “Thank you,” Gray said, pressing a kiss to the mess of curls. He frowned in confusion at Natsu over Sting’s shoulder, but Natsu just shook his head – I’ll explain later. Gray held Sting closer, and when Rogue looked up at him, he pulled them into the embrace too.

“You’re awake!” Gray looked up to see Yukino standing in the doorway, holding a tray with coffee and pastries. He gave her a weak smile as the two kids hugged him tighter. “Let Uncle Gray breathe,” Yukino chided, making her way to the bed, and touching Sting’s back. “He’s probably still very tired.”

Sting reluctantly let go of Gray and shuffled back into Natsu’s lap. “We have to go?” he asked Yukino. She gave him a soft smile and nodded, and his lower lip quickly curled into a pout. “I don’t want to.”

“We have to, sunshine,” Yukino said. She ran her fingers through Rogue’s long hair and nudged them up as well. “We’ve already been away longer than we said we would.”

Sting sniffed, rubbing his face with the back of his hand. Anxiety thrummed in Gray’s chest as Yukino helped Sting and Rogue off the bed.

“Don’t go,” he said quietly, reaching out and touching Yukino’s arm. She frowned at him, gesturing for both kids to go stand by the door before responding.

“What do you mean?”

“Come back with us.” Gray’s anxiety was quickly turning to desperation as he watched the kids over Yukino’s shoulder. Sting’s bright smile was fading, and Gray wanted so badly to bring it back. “Back to Fairy Tail,” he clarified, looking back at Yukino. “You know they don’t belong there. And neither do you.”

Yukino sighed and gently pulled her arm from Gray’s grasp. “It’s not that easy,” she said softly.

“It could be,” Natsu interjected.  

She shook her head. “They can’t just leave, they’re members, they took an oath, and they can’t—”

“They were three,” Natsu hissed. “You can’t hold toddlers to a binding agreement, that’s ridiculous.”

“It’s not just the guild,” Yukino said. “Jiemma has legal rights to them.”

Gray frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean he’s their guardian,” Yukino explained. “When their parents died and the guild took them in, Jiemma gained guardianship as the guild leader. Fairy Tail probably did the same thing with you – it’s like an adoption.”

“Not with me,” Gray said. “But I still have family in Isvan who took guardianship when my parents died. I dunno about you, though,” he added, gesturing to Natsu.

Natsu growled, running his hands through his hair. “Who cares about a stupid piece of paper?” he insisted. “We all know it’s not right.”

“You can’t just break laws because you don’t like them,” Yukino said. Gray raised his eyebrows at Natsu and Yukino sighed. “Look, I have to go, and so do they. We can meet you again tomorrow morning.”

Gray sighed, then cut off Natsu before he could keep arguing. “Okay,” he said softly. “Just…be safe, okay?”

Yukino gave him a thin smile. “I’ll try my best,” she said, before turning and leading the boys out of the room.

~

Yukino and the kids didn’t show up the next day.

“Natsu, sit down.” Gray gestured to the chair next to him, but Natsu shook his head and continued to pace back and forth in front of the café. “You’re making me dizzy.”

“They’re supposed to be here,” Natsu insisted. His stomach twisted with anxiety as he looked back and forth down the streets, hoping to see a head of white hair. “Something’s wrong.”

“I know,” Gray said. He made a pained sound and Natsu turned to see him press a hand to his chest. Natsu quickly sat down next to him and put a hand on his thigh. “’m okay,” Gray insisted, waving off the concern, but his voice was tight.

“You almost died yesterday, you’re not fine,” Natsu argued. “Does it hurt?”

“A bit,” Gray admitted. He shifted uncomfortably and took a few deep breaths. “It just feels like a bruise. The magic he used to take the pain away just wore off – I am actually fine, I promise.” He took Natsu’s hand and squeezed it.

Natsu searched Gray’s face for a sign that the pain was worse than he was letting on but didn’t find any. He sighed and leaned in, pressing a soft kiss to Gray’s cheek.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “I’m just worried. About everyone.”

Gray pressed his forehead to Natsu’s in an uncharacteristic display of public affection. “I know,” he said. “I just don’t know what we can do.”

Natsu sighed, giving Gray a quick kiss before pulling back. Part of him was ready to charge down to the guild and kick in the front door. The other part of him reluctantly clung to Yukino’s words from yesterday. You can’t just break laws because you don’t like them.

“Did you try texting Yukino again?” he asked.

Gray nodded to his lacrima phone, which was sitting on the café table. “The messages are going through but she’s not answering.” He hesitated. “It might be nothing. Maybe Jiemma changed their training schedule or something. It’s happened before.”

Natsu tipped his head back and forth uncertainly. “Something feels wrong, though,” he said. “It’s hard to explain, I just…”

“I trust you,” Gray said. Natsu looked up at him, and the conviction in Gray’s gaze left him feeling breathless. For as long as they’d known each other, Gray had never done anything by halves. He put all of himself into everything he did. Now that they were together, Natsu was starting to realize that extended to the way Gray loved him – deeply and fiercely, despite his seemingly reserved nature.

Natsu swallowed, hoping his cheeks weren’t as red as they felt. Gray gave him a shy half-smile, then stood up and pulled Natsu to his feet.

“C’mon,” he said as he slid his fingers between Natsu’s. “Let’s go to Sabertooth.”

~

“They kicked you out?” Lucy’s voice was tinny through the lacrima phone.

“Well, they called it ‘escorting him off the premises’,” Gray said. It was later that afternoon, and he was sitting on the bed in the inn, leaning back against the pillows Natsu had stacked against the headboard. Despite Sting healing the wound, Gray’s chest still ached.

“Assholes,” Natsu muttered from where he was leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest. “Can they even do that?”

“They can,” Lucy said regretfully. “Guild halls are private property; they can bar entry to whoever they like.”  

“Well, it’s suspicious as hell,” Natsu said. He sighed and moved over to the bed to sit next to Gray. “Luce, do you know anything about guardianships?”

“You mean custody?” Lucy asked.

“Sorta. Yukino said that Jiemma had ‘guild guardianship’ of Sting and Rogue.”

“Oh, yes, guilds do that all the time,” Lucy said. “You were under guardianship with Fairy Tail, Natsu. Don’t you remember Makarov talking about it with you?” When Natsu didn’t answer, Lucy sighed, and Gray could almost hear her rolling her eyes. “It ended when you turned seventeen, that’s when you got control of all your accounts and your home.”

“Oh!” Natsu brightened. “Yeah, he said something one time about being an adult and not a…ward? I think? I don’t remember.”

Natsu’s cheeks turned pink with embarrassment and Gray reached out to squeeze his hand. When they were kids, Gray had teased Natsu about his terrible memory, but Erza had eventually confronted him about it, telling him that it was another symptom of what Natsu called his ‘messy brain.’ Seeing Sting struggle with the same thing over the last few months had made Gray realize how difficult it must have been for Natsu growing up, and now he always tried to be as kind about it as possible.

“Can guardianship be transferred?” Gray asked Lucy.

“You mean to another guild?” she asked. “I’m not sure. I doubt it would be possible without consent from both guilds.”

“Jiemma would never go for that,” Natsu grumbled. He shuffled closer to Gray and rested his head on his shoulder.

“I can look into it,” Lucy said. “I could ask Master Makarov if he knows anything.”

“Maybe the library?” Natsu suggested. He made a contented sound when Gray started to run gentle fingers through his hair. “There’s books about laws and stuff, in the basement.”

“Freed let you into the library?” Gray poked Natsu. “I thought you were banned.”

Natsu huffed. “I lit one book on fire one time, and it wasn’t my fault.”

“Uhuh.”  

Gray heard Lucy sigh fondly again, then shuffle some papers in the background. “Are you staying in Ciralto?” she asked.

“Yeah.” Natsu picked at his nails. “For a few days, anyway. I know we can’t get close to Sabertooth, but maybe we’ll run into Yukino or something.”

“Good luck,” Lucy said, voice soft with sympathy. “I’ll call you as soon as I can.”

 ~

They didn’t find Yukino or the kids the next day, or the day after. They both tried several times to covertly get close to Sabertooth, but the gates that had previously been open were now locked, and guarded day and night.

“I swear I’m just gonna break down the goddamn doors,” Natsu growled after the third day of waiting. He sat down on the bed, sighing and rubbing his face. He was about to say something else when Gray’s lacrima phone started to ring.

“I think I might have a solution,” Lucy said as soon as Gray answered. Natsu leaned forward eagerly when Gray sat down beside him. “Freed helped me find some legal documentation that might help.”

“What’s documentation?” Natsu frowned.

“Paperwork,” Gray said. “Laws and stuff.”

“There are strict rules governing guild guardianship,” Lucy continued. She cleared her throat and started to read. “Guardianship of a minor can be transferred to a guild master if their parents or guardians voluntarily relinquish parental responsibilities; or if the minor is orphaned and has no living relations who are able to accept guardianship. Guild guardianship of minors confers all rights and responsibilities of the minor’s family of origin and continues until they are 17 years of age.”

“We already knew that,” Natsu interrupted, but Gray gestured for him to be quiet.

“There wasn’t anything about transferring guardianship,” Lucy continued, “but I did find a set of rules about contesting it. There are certain circumstances where people can argue against the guild – like if the find a living relative, or if the minor applies for emancipation. They would have to be thirteen for that, though, so it wouldn’t work in this situation.”

“So how does any of this help?” Natsu asked, sighing in frustration.

“I’m getting to that,” Lucy said. “There is one other option. A petition may be made to remove guild guardianship if the minor is in danger of being harmed; this can include emotional, verbal, physical, financial, and social harm or abuse, or neglect of the minor’s needs.”

All three of them were quiet for a second as they absorbed the information.

“So…we could petition for them to be removed?” Natsu asked finally.

“Technically, yes,” Lucy said.

Gray sighed and ran his hands through his hair. “But we can’t prove anything,” he said. “And even if we could, then what? Fairy Tail would have to apply for guild guardianship, and if it was denied, they’d probably end up separated with some families in Ciralto, or sent back to Isvan, or…”

“We have to do something,” Natsu insisted. “Sting saved your fucking life, and that asshole treats him like shit. They’re kids, and they’re being hurt, and we have to help them.”

Lucy didn’t say anything. Gray groaned and rubbed his temples. His heart hurt. Natsu was right, obviously, but it was all so complicated, and Sabertooth was so powerful. Gray knew Natsu was ready for a fight, but what if it was a fight they couldn’t win?

Then he thought about Rogue’s shy smile and the way they sat in Gray’s lap, about Sting’s gap-toothed grin and gentle magic. Gray brought his hand up to his chest and rubbed at the scars through his shirt. If Sting hadn’t been there…

Gray looked up at Natsu, who was staring at him with the same determined expression Gray had seen on him hundreds of times. “Okay,” Gray said. “We can—”

Before he could finish his sentence, a movement in the corner of the room caught his eye. The shadows behind the dresser rippled and started to move, then quickly melded into the shape of a child.

“Rogue?” Gray said, pushing himself up off the bed and moving over to the little Dragon Slayer. Relief filled him, but it was quickly replaced by apprehension when Rogue didn’t respond. They just stood with their body half-hidden behind the dresser and their hair hanging in tangles over their face. “What’s wrong?”

Rogue sniffed and rubbed their face with the back of their hand, dragging the sleeve of their too-long sweatshirt over their face. They mumbled something Gray didn’t quite catch and Gray crouched down until he was at eye level.

“Are you hurt?” Gray asked, trying to see their face behind their hair. Rogue shook their head. Natsu appeared next to Gray and knelt down as well.

“Is Sting hurt?” he asked.

There was a long pause, then a tiny nod. Natsu cursed under his breath. Gray’s chest ached, and not from the scars. Fear was starting to take over the confusion but he tried his best to keep it hidden.

“Where is he?” Gray asked gently. Seeing Rogue without Sting was unsettling – usually they were the one trailing behind Sting like his shadow while he talked a thousand words a minute.

“He saided it was an accident.” Rogue’s words were as soft and delicate as their magic. Gray shifted closer – he could see tear tracks on Rogue’s cheeks now, and a spot of blood from where they’d been chewing their lip. “But Yukino telled me to find you.”

“It’s okay,” Gray reassured Rogue, holding out his hand. Rogue shied away from it at first, looking at Gray with their oddly colored eyes. Gray could feel the tension radiating from Natsu, and he tried his best to project a sense of calm and confidence. “Why don’t you take us to Sting,” he suggested, giving Rogue what he hoped was a comforting smile. “We’ve got lots of practice patching each other up when we get hurt.”

Rogue shifted from foot to foot for a second, then finally reached out and took Gray’s hand.

“There you go,” Gray said, sighing in relief when Rogue moved forward and wrapped both arms around his neck. “It’s okay,” he said softly. “You’re safe.” He kissed the top of Rogue’s head and looked at Natsu over their shoulder. Natsu’s jaw was tight, and his face was set in determination as he pushed himself to his feet.

Rogue let Gray carry them, giving him quiet directions through the city. They passed the Sabertooth guild hall, turning down a back alley that led through several residential areas until it opened into a small park. A large tree hung out over the water and Gray could just see Sting sitting up there – a small flash of white hidden behind green leaves. Yukino, who was standing at the base of the tree, sighed in relief when she saw them.

“He won’t come down,” Rogue said, pointing at the tree. “I went up the shadow and he telled me to go away.” They rubbed their face again. “He never telled me to go away before.”

“It’s okay,” Natsu reassured them, squeezing Gray’s arm and gesturing for him to head to Yukino. “I’ll go get him.”

 ~

 It didn’t take long to make it up the tree. Sting was curled up between two branches with his legs pulled up to his chest and his forehead on his knees. As soon as he saw Natsu he curled up tighter and growled.

“I don’t wanna talk to you,” he said. “Go away.”

Natsu balanced carefully on the branch below where Sting was sitting as he tried to check him for injuries. “Rogue’s worried about you,” he said. “Why don’t you come down and we can make sure you’re okay?”

Sting finally looked up at him, glaring at him from behind a black eye. “I’m fine,” he said. “It doesn’t even hurt.” The way he held his arm against his chest made it clear that he was lying. His eyes were bright with tears he was barely holding in, but he managed to add, “I’m strong.”

“I know you are, bud,” Natsu said gently, heart aching at the pain on the little boy’s face. “That doesn’t mean—”

“I’m strong like you.” Sting’s voice wobbled. “I’m strong an’ brave and it doesn’t hurt.” A few stray tears slipped down Sting’s cheek, and he wiped them away angrily. “An’ I’m not crying.” He swallowed hard and pressed his forehead to his folded arms.

“Crying doesn’t mean you’re not strong,” Natsu said, but Sting shook his head vehemently.

“Yes it does. Only babies cry.”

“Sting.” Natsu’s voice softened, and he shifted closer, but Sting flinched away from him. “Who told you that?” Sting bit his lip and stared stubbornly at his bare feet. “Was it the person who did this?” Natsu gestured to Sting’s arm, even though he already knew the answer.

“No.” Sting’s voice wavered, and he squeezed his eyes shut. “Nobody did. ‘m fine.”

A low, thrumming anger simmered in Natsu’s stomach as he thought of Jiemma’s cruel eyes and vicious gaze.

“Last week Uncle Gray and I went on a job,” he said, pushing the anger away as he tried a different tactic. He glanced back down at the ground where Gray was sitting on the riverbank with his arm around a somber Rogue. “I got knocked down and hit my head on the stairs really hard, and it hurt so bad that I cried.”

Sting looked up at him with wide eyes. “You cried?”

“Yup.” Natsu pushed back his bangs to show Sting the spot where the bruise on his forehead was still healing. “It’s okay to cry when it hurts.” Sting didn’t look convinced, but Natsu added, “And it’s okay to let people help you. Uncle Gray used his ice on the bruise after the fight and it felt a lot better.”  

“But Master saided—” Sting cut himself off, shaking his head. The angry spark flared again in Natsu’s chest.

“He said what?”

Sting stared miserably at the tree branch next to Natsu’s feet, chewing on his lip, but he didn’t answer. Natsu sighed.

“Sometimes, people who are strong aren’t always good,” he said gently. “Strength is something that should be used to protect and help people. Nobody should be using it to hurt you.”

“He... I...” Sting swallowed. “It was a—a lesson. I did something wrong. I had to be punished.”

Natsu shook his head. “No, not like this.” He moved a little closer and was relieved when Sting didn’t flinch. “A punishment – a consequence – is like... not getting a cookie for lunch when you steal one for breakfast. Or having to help clean up a broken window when you accidentally break it. Not somebody hitting you. That's never, ever okay.”

Sting rubbed furiously at his face again, trying to hide his tears. “I don’t understand,” he whispered. “I just wanna be strong and brave.”

“You are,” Natsu reassured him. “You’re strong when you climb super tall trees, or when you swim the whole way across the river, or when you told that kid to stop teasing Rogue. And you’re being really brave right now.”

Sting frowned, looking over at Natsu. “But...”

“Being brave doesn’t mean that you’re never afraid, it means that you try to do right and good things even when they’re scary.”

Sting couldn’t hold the tears in anymore and he let out a quiet, wounded sound as he whispered, “I’m sorry.” Natsu held out his arm and breathed a silent sigh of relief when Sting leaned into the embrace.

“It’s okay,” Natsu said gently as Sting curled into him. “You’re okay. Nobody’s upset and you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Sting sniffled and Natsu kissed the top of his head as he considered his options. Sending the two of them back to Sabertooth was out of the question – there was no way Natsu was letting either of them out of his sight again. If he brought them back to Fairy Tail, Gramps would obviously welcome them and find them a place to stay, but they needed more than that. Rogue and Sting needed somewhere to feel safe.

“Do you want to come stay with me and Uncle Gray?” Natsu asked.

Sting froze. “Like a sleepover?”

“Longer than a sleepover.”

There was a long silence before Sting said, “We don’t have to go back?”

“No.”

“What about Master?”

“That’s a grownup problem, you let me deal with that.”

Sting went quiet again, but he leaned heavier against Natsu, and he seemed to have stopped crying. “I like Orga,” he said eventually. “And Rufus, sometimes. Are you gonna deal with them too?”

“No. I’m not gonna hurt anyone.”

Sting looked up at him, and his eyes were full of so much trust that it almost brought Natsu to tears. “Promise?” he asked.

Natsu nodded as he brushed a wayward curl out of Sting’s face and leaned in to kiss his forehead. “Yeah,” he said softly. “I promise.”

[schrijverr]

Intimidated

Jonny has a bad day and when encounters with Brian, Tim and Ashes set him off, he flees and locks himself in his room. Luckily Nastya comes to comfort him and ask if he’s okay.

On AO3.

Ships: none

Warnings: Panic Attack, implied/referenced past abuse and PTSD and Jonnys thoughts about himself aren’t so nice. Tell me if I missed anyhting and I’ll be happy to tag them!

~~~~~~~~~~~

Jonny was not a large man.

He’d never claimed he was one, but that was with good reason, since he was quite the opposite of a large man. No, Jonny was not a large man, he was actually a pretty small man. Standing at 5ft2 and weighing a 120 pounds soaking wet, he was not intimidating.

Well that might not be true. While he might not be large, he had a big presence always being the loudest, the most violent in the room with so much manic and chaotic energy around him that people naturally kept their distance from this tiny angry man.

Of course the Mechanisms had no such qualms. They could match their First Mate shot for shot and stab for stab, no issue and after spending so much time together, it is impossible for you to not see the others in every state imaginable, leading in the end to the fact that none of the Mechanisms found Jonny intimidating at all.

This frustrated him immensely.

He had no problems with his height, he might be a bit sensitive, but he had enough to make up for it. However, when that fell away all you were left with was a bunch of people who you couldn’t get rid off and were there constantly making fun of you whenever they could.

It wasn’t obvious and it (mostly) wasn’t out of malice. There was no ill intend except for driving Jonny up the wall to create something fun to do.

Just sometimes rest your arm on Jonnys head or pretend not to see him while he’s right in front of you until you look down or put his favourite mug on the upper shelf and laugh as he tried to grab it, but either has to climb the counter or ask for help. Small things like that.

Jonny didn’t mind most of the time. He grumbled about it and got annoyed, but it could be pretty funny and he liked seeing the others be so proud of their little mischief that he couldn't help but roll his eyes fondly in his head.

Of course with not minding most of the time, there was also a sometime where Jonny in fact minded and in those moments Jonny minded a lot.

It was not the jokes that bothered him in those moments, he didn’t find them funny at those times, but it was more the fact that they weren’t respecting his authority that bothered him.

He knew he wasn’t really the leader, everyone reminded him when they had denied him the title of Captain and just plainly ignored what he’d said, but the jokes drove it home. They saw him as a child, he thought in those moments, they thought him a funny attraction that they could laugh at and ignore. And that hurt.

Jonny needed to be in charge, not necessarily of the others, but off himself.

You see, Jonny hadn’t been the most independent throughout his life. No that was the wrong phrasing, he’d been very independent never listening to his father (if the man was ever around) and always on his own trying to navigate the planet of New Texas.

But he hadn’t had any agency in what he had to do to survive and he certainly had no control over what Dr. Carmilla did to him or the others.

So, yeah, Jonny needed to be in charge off himself and although the jokes didn’t take away his ability to stab them in the side or fire a bullet at them when they got too annoying, they sometimes did make him think about the fact that they could easily overpower him and he could do nothing about it.

That fact turned into a fear, which had lodged itself inside his chest to fester and grow.

Today was a one of the days on which Jonny minded the jokes a lot. He’d already woken up shaky and was fighting his brain for a reasonable reaction to the night full of nightmares.

The nightmares had been of Dr. Carmilla looming over him, his still beating heart in her hand while he was strapped down on a table unable to move. Then it had changed to Jack grinning down at him as he put out a cigar on his cheek after he’d gotten back empty handed.

He remembered his old boss had grabbed his hair, leaving him unable to move away from the burning stub. The scar had healed, but apparently his stupid brain hadn’t forgotten.

Desperate to rid himself off the uneasy feeling his brain was giving him, he’d gone to their kitchen looking for booze instead finding Brian, who with his 7ft towered over Jonny with a disappointed look in his eyes as Jonny reached for the bottle.

Jonny looked between Brian and the bottle. The rational part of his brain told him that, although Brian didn’t agree, he wouldn't do anything to stop him, but the other part of his brain screamed at him that the tall man would hurt him if he didn’t listen, that he could grab him and hurt him and he couldn’t fight back.

The bottle was returned to its spot unopened.

Brian frowned at that action, Jonny was never really known to listen to anyone and it wasn’t as if Brian had argued or said anything at all. Still Jonny had picked up on the subtle disapproval and listened.

He looked at Jonny and saw that the shorter man was frozen and looking at him like he was trying to decipher what Brian wanted from him. Brian asked: “Are you okay, Jonny?”

Subtly Jonny startled at the sound of his voice, but he quickly masked it with a shake of his head and puffed up his chest as he scoffed and answered: “Of course.”

“You sure?” Brian pressed.

“Yes.” Jonny snapped back, immediately looking startled at his own tone. He hid that too and hurried out the room.

Brian considered chasing after him, but decided that Jonny probably wouldn’t appreciate the effort and it wouldn't be worth it to have to pick all the bullets out from between his joints and under his skin.

Meanwhile Jonny was stumbling through the halls of the ship, desperately trying to stop the shortness of breath.

Mentally he berated himself: What the fuck, Jonny, you know Brian wouldn’t do that, but here you are acting like an idiot and a child. No wonder no one respects you, you are the child, the tiny asshole, they all already think you are and you go around proving it on top of that. It wasn’t scary and you weren’t in danger, but you just had nearly piss yourself.

Unconsciously his feet were carrying him to his old hiding place. There was one room with a detachable panel, which led to a small space where he used to hide when Dr. Carmilla was looking for him.

He’d never made it his own room, since it would be too suspicious, something that now proved to be a problem. He hadn’t gone back after he’d made his plan and in the meantime Tim had taken up residence in the room where he used to hide.

Tim was a lanky guy. He wasn’t muscled and he wasn’t fat, but he was tall like all weight he’d gained in his life had been stretched upwards into height.

Tim also loved stealing Jonnys stuff and holding it above his head out of reach as he watched Jonny struggle to get it back and he had been waiting for Jonny to find him after he had stolen his favourite belt buckle.

So when he saw the tiny man standing in his doorway he grinned and got up.

Jonnys eyes were unfocused, something that Tim did not notice, and Jonny only registered that someone else was there when the shadow fell over his face. He blinked and looked up and Tim.

Tim procured the belt buckle out of his pocket and held it over Jonnys head as he asked: “Looking for this?”

Realizing that the real reason he was here was too embarrassing, Jonny jumped on the way out Tim had unknowingly offered him. He put his hands on his hips and said: “Give it back, Tim.”

Dangling it from his finger, Tim teased: “What? I’m not withholding it, it’s right here. Just take it, Jonny.”

“Not funny.” Jonny huffed, “Just give it back.”

Tim leaned down while raising his arms so that the belt buckle will still dangle out of reach as he tutted: “Ahw, can’t tiny Jonny reach his little belt buckle?”

Jonny was about to explode, to beat the uneasy feeling out of his chest with anger, when Tim patted the top of Jonnys head condescendingly. The image of Jack flashed in front of his eyes and he flinched back violently.

Tim startled back at the reaction, lowering his arm with a frown. Carefully he asked: “Are you alright?”

Looking back up, Jonny blinked and the image of Jack grin was replaced with Tims concerned face. He snatched the belt buckle out of his hand and said: “I’m fine.”

“You certain?” Tim checked

“Yes, for fucks sake, leave me alone.” Jonny yelled at him in return.

“You don’t have to be an asshole about it.” Tim told him, “I was just checking in.”

“Well, don’t.” Jonny said, turning on his heel and planning to hide out in his room until this feeling was gone.

Normally Tim would let him stomp away and be annoyed at the First Mate, but the flinching sat wrong with him and now that he thought about it, Jonny had looked pretty out of it when he’d showed up, so Tim was now hesitant to let him go. Hence why he grabbed Jonnys shoulder to stop him from getting away.

The effect was instant.

Jonny tensed, straighting up, before immediately ducking into himself with a small whimper and raising his hands in defense as he turned around with a wince. While Tim let go as if his hand was burned.

They looked at each other in silence for a full minute. Tim standing still like a statue, not daring to move in case movement would trigger Jonny again. Jonny in confusion as he waited for an attack that didn’t come, memories playing in front of his eyes until he saw Tim standing there through the haze.

Jonny frowned and slowly asked: “Tim?”

After a second to look into Jonnys eyes to double check if he was really here, Tim answered: “Yes, yes, it’s me.” then after another beat he asked: “You good? What happened?”

Jonny bit his lip, he could just explode and walk away. Never talk about it again and pretend it never happened. Tim wasn’t a threat, no matter how much he dwarfed Jonny, he was a lanky noodle that Jonny knew he could take, even on a bad day. A lanky noodle who was currently trying his very best to look as non-threatening as humanly possible.

He knew all that, he did.

Still, he didn’t want to anger the taller man. He had felt the heavy, big hand on his shoulder, he knew that Tim could easily turn into a killing maniac in a second and, if Jonny wasn’t careful, he’d be on the hit-list.

Looking back up, he saw Tims concerned expression morph into a frown and the irrational part of Jonnys brain decided to please the potential threat.

“I’m fine, really. Just a bad night, nothing to worry about. I was just dreaming a bit, not really aware and you scared me for a second that’s all.” he tried to placate Tim.

It did not help, because Jonny did not do diffusing situations, especially by trying to calm the other down. And Tim hadn’t even been looking for a fight that needed calming down, he’d just asked a question.

Something was wrong.

“Are you sure, you looked pretty spooked. If I did something, you have to tell me and I’ll avoid doing it again.” Tim pressed, “I know we’re all bastards, but we’re not assholes.”

The offer was nice. No judgment and avoidance of an instance like this in the future, a friend making sure the other was okay.

However, this was not what Jonny heard. Jonny, who had lost the battle with his brain and had given in to the bad feeling in his chest he had woken up with, had heard a potential threat not pleased with his answer while the whole objective had been to mollify him.

He was desperately trying to find an answer that would pacify Tim when Tim noticed the panic in his eyes. He decided that there was something wrong with Jonny and he had to calm the First Mate down.

The problem was that Tim was good at causing people and stuff to explode, he knew his way around anger and violence, not around calming people down. The only thing he knew was a calming cup of tea, so he offered: “Why don’t we drink a cup of tea to get you settled.”

Jonny didn’t want tea, he wanted to get away from this dangerous situation he had maneuvered himself into, but he accepted eagerly, glad to have found something to please Tim.

He followed Tim to the kitchen, finding a small mercy in the fact that Tim didn’t touch him and didn’t mind that Jonny walked behind him instead of next to him.

Ashes was already in the kitchen making themself some food when Tim entered Jonny on his heels. Tim set to making tea, only giving them a short greeting, but Jonny froze at the new person introduced in the situation.

His plan had been to sit there, drink his tea in silence, make sure Tim thought he was fine and go hide in his room. It was a good plan, not much to go wrong, but having Ashes there could be a problem.

He didn’t have any control over them or their actions, so they could accidentally fuck over his whole plan. And on top of that they were also a new person to please and keep happy until he could get out, another potential threat.

They weren’t that much bigger than Jonny, but they had the habit of leaning on Jonnys shoulder to piss him off and they, like everyone else on the Aurora, were taller. And taller had always been a threat in Jonnys life, so with the state he was in right now, he could only file them away as a threat and an unpredictable factor.

His mind was racing with new plans and possibilities, he tried to come up with the best way to get rid of them as soon a possible without endangering himself. Ashes raised a brow at him and he clumsily copied Tims greeting, since they had thought that to be okay.

They greeted him too and turned back to the sandwich they were making. Jonny let his shoulder sag slightly only to tense them up again when Tim turned to him with a smile on his face and two cups in his hands.

Jonny tried to smile back, but he was sure he wasn’t all that successful.

Luckily Tim didn’t comment on it and led him to the bar, where he set down the cups and sat in the stool, expecting Jonny to do the same.

Which was a bit of a problem.

You see, the stools were pretty tall, tall enough that Jonny had to climb into them and had trouble getting out of them easily. He wanted to do what Tim wanted him to do in order to protect himself, but he also wanted to leave the option of getting the fuck out of there open.

They also emphasized how short Jonny was since his feet would be dangling and he didn’t need that extra focus on his weakness in this situation.

So he stood next to the stool, eyes flitting between the stool and Tim, who noticed and was about to offer to sit on the couch when Ashes noticed Jonny hesitation as well.

They didn’t know about Jonnys mood today nor the strange reactions Tim had witnessed, he’d been a bit weird today, but Jonny was a weird guy all around so they hadn’t paid it much attention.

When they saw him dawdle next to the seat, they walked up and, like normal, they leaned on his shoulder while they took a bite out of their sandwich, before teasing: “Too high for you, Jonny? Want a step stool?”

Jonny broke.

He didn’t know why this set him off. Maybe the combination of the nightmares, the incident with Brian and then with Tim, on top with the uneasy feeling that had been growing in his chest throughout the day coming to a crescendo with the weight of Ashes leaning on his shoulder and the snapping of their teeth echoing in his ears.

Stumbling backwards he shrugged off Ashes arm, automatically raising his arms to protect himself from blows form above. When he was out of reach and at a safe distance, he quickly turned around before sprinting away as fast as he could.

He didn’t pay any attention to his surroundings, only focusing on getting into his room and shutting the door behind him.

Once the door was firmly locked behind him, he slid down to the ground and allowed the panic to truly overtake him. He’d thought that with his mechanical heart he wouldn’t be able to have these attacks, but instead the heaving of his chest and the shortness of breath was just more uncomfortable with the mechanical regular beating of his heart.

Within the peacefulness of his room he could let the panic attack run its course without anything to make it worse. So he sat there and struggled through breathing exercises Nastya taught him when they’d first huddled up together in the engine room.

While he was doing that Tim and Ashes stood frozen in the kitchen, neither daring to move, to break the air of what had just happened. Then Brian entered and broke the spell. He looked concerned and asked: “Is there a reason Jonny just came barreling past me like his immortality was catching up to him?”

“He freaked out all of a sudden.” Ashes said, “I was just teasing and then he was running, but he got here with Tim.”

“Don’t say that like an accusation.” Tim exclaimed.

Before it could end in a fight, Brian interrupted the pair: “I don’t care, who did what and why. I just want to know what made Jonny run like that.”

Ashes stayed silent and Tim explained: “He just randomly showed up to my room. I thought he was collecting the belt buckle I stole, so teased him a bit, but he suddenly flinched back and he looked all panicked. I asked him if he was alright and at first he got mad, but then I asked again and he got all weird, you know?”

“Weird how?” Brian asked, growing more concerned with every word.

“He got all nice, if that makes sense?” Tim answered, “Like he was trying to stop a conflict, kind of like you get, but we weren’t fighting or anything. I just asked him if he was okay.”

Twin frowns formed on Brian and Ashes faces as they urged Tim to go on. He said: “I asked him if I did something that set him off and told him it was okay to talk and that I wouldn’t use any of it against him, but he didn’t reply. So I offered him tea.”

Ashes raised a brow at him and defensively Tim said: “Hey, it’s not like you would have something better. I’m pretty sure you’re the one that made him snap.”

“What happened after?” Brian asked, desperate to get them back on track.

Taking over Ashes said: “They got here and Jonny did a weird greeting. I made my sandwich, Tim his tea. Then he was hesitating about getting on the stool, so I teased him a bit and then he suddenly jerked back and bolted.”

Brian thought about it and asked: “So you both teased him?” two nods, “What did you tease him about?”

At the same time they said: “His height.”

Directly after the three cursed. Brian pinched the bridge of his nose: “I already thought something was up with him today, he was acting a bit off around me, but I didn’t check up on him. Like an idiot.”

“You couldn't have known, Brian.” Tim said.

“Yeah, don’t beat yourself up over it.” Ashes added, “No use, we should focus on fixing it.”

“You’re right.” Brian nodded, “So, what is our plan?”

At that question the three fell silent.

Over the course of their very long life they had seen too much. They had done many unthinkable things. They’d been there to see civilizations rise and fall. They had waged wars on armies alone and come out as the victors. They had not, however, comforted many people.

“We could ask him if he is alright?” Tim suggested after a silence had dragged on for a while.

“Yeah, like that went so well the last few times.” Ashes commented.

“Well, what do you suggest we do then?” Tim shot back.

“We apologize.” Ashes said with a defiant grin, pleased that they had something to throw back in Tims face.

“Apologize?” Tim asked, very confused.

As a rule the Mechs didn’t apologize. It was hazardous and too much work. They were pricks and they had accepted that a long long time ago, if you did something mean the other knew who it was coming from and no apology would be necessary. But if there was one thing the Mechs also did, it’d be breaking rules.

Brian tapped a finger on his chin and said: “I think they’re on to something. He doesn’t want to say how he is feeling, but there’s obviously something wrong. So if we apologize he might feel better and be open to admitting he’s feeling bad and tell us what we did wrong.”

The next step of their plan was finding Jonny, which wasn’t that hard, since Brian had seen which way he had been running. And soon they found themselves outside of Jonnys room.

Brian knocked lightly and called out: “Jonny? Are you there?”

It was quiet for a moment as the three held their breaths, inside Jonny panicked again after he had just calmed down a bit.

He swallowed and reasoned with himself that there was a locked door between him and his potential attackers, so when Brian knocked again he softly replied: “Go away.”

“You don’t have to open the door.” Brian said.

“Yeah,” Tim added, “we just wanted to apologize.”

On the other side of the door Jonny frowned, why would they want to apologize to him? They’d done nothing wrong, he’d just been stupid, acting like a scared child. He had ran away and hid to panic over just a bit of teasing. They didn’t have to apologize for that.

“You don’t have to, just leave.” Jonny told them, a bit louder than before.

“No, we want to, Jonny.” Tim said, “We obviously upset you over something and we didn’t mean to.”

“Yeah, we’re sorry.” Ashes spoke up as well.

Jonny huddled more into himself. He’d tried to make room for his lungs to expand to calm down, but now he just wanted the comfort of knees digging into his chest and arms tightening around them.

He didn’t want them poking around in what had set him off, he didn’t want them to know why he had reacted like this on a bad day. Jonny wanted the jokes to stay, not for them to walk on eggshells around him like he was going to snap if anyone made fun of his height.

He had manged by himself for many millennia, he did not need to be coddled.

So he bit out: “I don’t want your fucking apology, I want you to leave me the fuck alone. If you think you have something to apologize to me for than you should know I don’t want you near me right now. So. Go. The. Fuck. Away.”

That startled the three knocking on Jonnys door. They had expected him to struggle and be mad at them, but they’d never heard him sound like that. He sounded like a cornered prey that was baring his fangs in a last ditch attempt to scare his attackers off. It was frantic and scared.

They shared a look of wide eyes, before Brian carefully said: “Okay, we will leave. Sorry, uhm, hope you- no, uhm, see you later?”

He cringed at his own awkwardness.

Tim and Ashes agreed also telling Jonny they would leave. Then the three got out there, wondering what the hell had just happened and if Jonny would ever speak to them again.

Jonny waited until the three pairs of footsteps had faded completely and then another minute, before opening the door to check if they were really gone.

When he saw an empty hallway, his shoulders sagged with relief, before he retreated back into his room again, locking the door and hiding under his covers just willing this day to be over and hoping that tomorrow the bad feeling would be gone.

He actually managed to fall asleep at some point, because he woke up a bit later from the sound of someone shuffling through the vents near his room. He shot up and peered over the top of his covers and got his gun from his holster as he waited for the person to arrive.

The grate jiggled and he heard a familiarly accented voice say: “It’s me, Jonny, calm down.”

He lowered the gun and the covers and asked: “Nastya? What are you doing here?”

Nastya crawled out the vent and dusted herself off, before she answered: “I was send to check up on you after Brian, Tim and Ashes practically jumped me thinking they’d done something so horrible that you hated them forever.” she raised her brows and commented, “Which made me wonder what the fuck happened, since they were too panicked for details.”

Jonny groaned and let himself flop back down on his bed. He didn’t answer any further, so Nastya asked again: “Jonny, what happened? Are you okay?”

“Yes, I’m fine. Why does everyone ask me that.” he snapped.

“Maybe because you locked yourself in your room and worried three of your crew mates so bad they send me to check up on you?” Nastya told him.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” Jonny waved her away, “You’re just not the first today.”

“And why did the others ask you then?” Nastya asked.

Jonny lolled his head to look at her and sighed, before beckoning her closer. She clambered up on the bed next to him, reminding her of a very long time ago.

Nastya could be described as a bean sprout, but she was Jonnys little sister in everything except blood and she would rest her head beneath Jonnys chin or be the little spoon (with very few exceptions).

Carding his hands through her hair, Jonny explained: “I had a few nightmares and was just off today, you know?”, he felt Nastya nod and went on, “I ran into them and it was just all bad. I panicked and ran, it was just too much.”

The hands stopped and when she looked up she could see him press the heels of his hands into his eyes. The pressure helped sometimes.

“Can you explain how it was bad?” Nastya asked gently, “You don’t have to, but do you know what was bothering you today?”

Jonny nodded as his hands returned, the repetitive motion soothing them both. As gentle as before Nastya asked: “Do you want to talk about it or just hug?”

Biting his lip, Jonny thought about it. He wanted to forget today ever happened, but if he told Nastya she would be the one to calm the other three down and get them off his case, which might be worth the reliving.

“I felt helpless.” he mumbled.

Humming in understanding Nastya tried to urge him to explain further. After a beat of silence Jonny continued: “I had a few nightmares, just the usual, but I woke up feeling just… bad. I can’t explain it otherwise, my chest just felt wrong.”

“Your chest?” Nastya repeated with concern.

“Not my mechanism.” Jonny assured her, “Just emotions.”

With the way he said it, you’d think emotions was someone who had personally wronged him, making Nastya chuckle slightly. The chuckle broke the fragile hush that had hung over the room as Jonny laughed as well.

They giggled together for a while, until they stopped with a soft sigh and Nasya got serious again: “So why did that freak them out so bad?”

Jonny wouldn’t have told anyone else, but Nastya was the exception, she’d always had been. So he said: “It just built up and I felt like I was in danger and needed to protect myself, please them until they left me alone. I couldn’t take it and ran. They came by and I told them to fuck off and they did.”

Slowly Nastya was putting the pieces together.

She had witnessed something like this a few centuries ago, when Jonny’d had a day like today. At the time she hadn’t known and when he snapped at her out of defense, she had used her height to tower over him as she snapped back, causing him to flinch so violently he’d almost broken his own neck.

Later, after he had hidden from her for an entire week, he had explained how sometimes his height or lack thereof would make him feel vulnerable and in danger, causing him to snap or please as a defense mechanism.

When the others had started teasing him, she’d gotten mad at them until Jonny had told her he didn’t really mind overall. Just on the bad days, but he could manage them he’d assured her. That had been untrue it seemed.

Although, she mused, he must have had more bad days between then and now that he had dealt with on his own, so that might be underestimating him.

She asked: “Want me to talk to them about it?”

It was silent for a second, then Jonny nodded slightly and mumbled: “Please, but no details, if it isn’t a problem of course.”

Apparently the bad day wasn’t over completely yet.

She assured him she wouldn’t tell them too much and hugged him tighter. Normally a bad day meant Jonny would be the little spoon, but on these bad days it was better for Jonny to feel bigger than Nastya, so she just remained lying on his chest, until both fell asleep.

They slept peacefully that night and the next day the feeling had disappeared from Jonnys chest as sudden as it had come. Nastya left to find the ones, who’d send her, but before she left she told Jonny: “If you ever had a bad day again and can’t find a way out, just tell Aurora and she’ll get you out, okay?”

Jonny nodded thankfully, both know he wouldn’t abuse such a thing and that he really was grateful. Then Nastya left while Jonny opted to hide out for another day.

She found Brian, Ashes and Tim in the common room moping. When she entered they all perked up, she had to smile at that. Tim asked: “And?”

“Well, he isn’t mad at you and he isn’t going to banish all of you out of his life.” Nastya told him, making them all sag in relief, (Nastya still wondered how they’d come to that conclusion),“He just had a bit of a shit day and it all got a bit too much.”

“What can we do to avoid it.” Brian asked.

It had shocked all three of them to see Jonny like that. He was violent and loud, always full of life and not afraid to fight, not scared and subdued and definitely not conflict evasive.

Nastya thought about it for a second, then she said: “If you see him acting off, don’t talk to him. Just turn around and leave him alone, the last thing he wants, is to deal with you along with everything else. Oh, and don’t ask him about it.”

All nodded that wasn’t too hard.

After Jonny came out of hiding a few days later, the three were a bit off around him, but when Raphaella had swept him off his feet and flown with him to the ceiling, telling him quote: “To show him what the world looked like from an other perspective than that of an octokitten.”

They had waited for him to get weird again, but he just playfully attacked her while yelling: “I’ll behead you, to show you what the perspective of an octokitten looks like, winged arsehole.”

And with that it just went back to normal and nothing was every said about it again. Not even the next time it happened a few decades later. When Marius and Brian saw Jonny walking around with hazy eyes and Marius wanted to check up on him, but was stopped by Brian.

There was a lot the Mechanisms did to each other, murder and maiming, but they also respected boundaries and trauma. It was okay to never know what had set Jonny off, just to leave him alone. Simple as that.

[partyinthemysterymachine]

Harry + betrayed (looks at a&s au stuff like :3c)

looks at you like 🔪

===

Every time the mug came out of the steaming hot dishwasher, Harry clasped it in both hands. The ceramic was always scalding, and his palms always threatened to blister. Clouds reeking of dishwasher detergent lifted and swept over his forearm, humid as a summer’s stifling rain, its pungency sickening his heart. 

He hated to wash this mug. 

Bright and early at six o’clock every morning, Harry made coffee. It steeped dark and bitter, just how they liked it. The first pour went into his mug; the second filled his own. Then both were taken to the small, round table in the corner of their kitchen. Harry set the mug down on the wood itself to the right of the round, rattan woven placemats they’d found in a bargain bin at Williams-Sonoma. Harry’s coffee went on the placemat itself, edging the rim, at his left.

How charming it was to have their mugs across from each other like that. He always liked how they seemed to be having a conversation through the coffee’s dissipating flames of white steam. As they drained their caffeine and burned their throats, the heat shocking their stomachs, they’d talk. 

Talking didn’t necessarily mean words were used. No, words weren’t his forte, though he relished every sound that rolled off his tongue. He spoke with his face and through his hands, and if Harry ever had his way, he’d spend the hours morn to midnight simply gazing at his face.

Two hours later, Harry stood and took the cold, untouched mugs to the sink. Down the drain went the wasted coffee, dumped out at the same time. A swish of water from the faucet did a quick and fine job of cleaning them out, and Harry’s went, dripping, onto the counter. Then he ran the water again to piping hot, abusing skin rough and chapped from this daily ritual of cleaning, cleaning out his ice cold coffee, cleaning, cleaning out the dots of mold he’d let grow for two weeks because he couldn’t let that go, cleaning, cleaning out that damn spot, that damn spot, that damn spot.

The mug was as hot as it was when it came out of the dishwasher, and Harry clasped it in both hands. His teeth tried to send their roots into his skull with his jaw clamped like that, and he wished his tongue, sucked hard to the roof of his mouth and tastebuds rough as sandpaper, would swell and choke him. Every time it didn’t, which was every morning, every single morning for the past three years, Harry called it betrayal.

His kiss held tender on the warm rim. It was the last place his lips had laid where Harry could kiss him, for he couldn’t kiss his own cheek. Like every morning, his eyes slipped closed and he thought of their daily coffee date at their kitchen table. Autumn was in full golden, fiery bloom. People swarmed to Vermont to lose their breath to the vast garden of nature’s heavenly, untamed wildfire that never burned. 

Every single fucking morning it was autumn again, the mug had been scorching hot, then chilly, the phantom pressure of his kiss lingered on his cheek, and Harry tried to kiss him back too on ceramic that had been the last tangible thing to experience his lips.

Today, he set the mug down on the counter alongside the one in its puddle. The water brimmed its mismatched mate immediately and would leave an incomplete circle in its wake after Harry would take it up and wrap it in a soft towel. That puddle would dry on its lonesome over the course of as many minutes; Harry wrapped up his personal mug, too.

Remaining coffee got poured and locked in a thermos. They were placed in the coveted seat beside the driver’s - shotgun! one’s supposed to yell to reserve it for themselves - tucked safely behind a plain old box. 

The ignition chittered on. Rancid boomed and rattled the Jeep’s speakers. Harry absently wiggled the shiny, custom-made Magic Eight Ball fortune teller stick shift knob. He glanced down. ‘It is decidedly so,’ promised the triangular face washed behind blue, its text pressed on the circular window. 

A draw; and exhale. The YJ Wrangler shifted into gear, easing back out of the driveway, Harry’s arm slung around the shotgun seat and head turned to watch over his shoulder as he safely maneuvered to their personal gravel road leading to and from their remote, comfortable Vermont hideaway.

It’d probably take five, six hours, give or take, to get to Maine. He was looking forward to their coffee date. Five out of the seven days of the week Harry drove to Maine to hang out on the shore of Toluca Lake. Coffee was served into their mugs; he kept his at his side, and his tucked into the sand and mud at the water’s breach. 

Sometimes he’d talk, update his husband on his books, their daughter, the latest news that did and didn’t matter. Other times he’d sit in silence, listening and watching the new face of a man he loved. Harry was there in rain, sleet, and snow. He’d all but frozen his ass off before out there and sweated buckets in the heat. But they had their spot, and that’s where he’d always sit.

Silent Hill rested to the south. They took a vacation there once. Harry hates how it looks out across Toluca. Take your fucking eyes somewhere else, he regularly thinks. Don’t fucking look at him.

It oversees. One day, Harry’s promised five days out of the seven in the week, he’s going to tear that town asunder by his own bare hands. 

Tomorrow might be that day. Harry rises to his feet. It is decidedly so. He fetches the Jeep’s constant tenant for the last three years. It is decidedly so. 

“I hope you liked your coffee, honey,” he says to the lake lapping at his boots as he wades into snapping cold. “So, I asked the eight ball if I’d see you today,” Harry Mason offhandedly tells his husband residing in the lake. “Guess what it said? ‘It is decidedly so.’ Take that as you will. I know you know what I’ve planned to do, honeylove. Don’t get up in my tits about it,” warns the older man, now appropriately submerged mid-chest. “I’m not gonna do it today. Doesn’t feel right. But I thought it’d be nice to see you, anyway.”

“So you’re wondering why I brought the box in with me? Well, I’m glad you asked! For one, I fixed it up and made it waterproof,” he smirks, cradling it in his arm and popping it open. “And two.. c’mon, now. You know I’d lose these if I didn’t keep ‘em in here.”

Two pendants, no bigger than his thumbnail, each on their own thin chain, dangled just skimming the water’s surface. Two pendants, amber and glinting, somehow even in the thick grey mist rolling in from Silent Hill. “Check these out. I got ‘em made a few months ago and I’ve just now had the balls to bring ‘em out. It’s because the eight ball said I’d see you today. So.. here. One of them’s for you. I figure you can make yours glow in there, firefly. You have a knack for lightin’ up the dark.”

Harry chuckles, wagging his head back and forth, mocking himself. “Yeah, yeah, mushy, whatever, I’m a dork. Thbhtghbh. What’re you gonna do, divorce me? Shoulda thought about that before you went fishing, babe.” He collects the chains and their sculpted fireflies into his fist. One kiss is enough for both. Then he smiled, looked into the lake, and felt comforted by the thought that that sweet, pale man with yellow wheat field hair was watching him.

Projection is a very real, very psychedelic thing, for sometimes, Harry thinks he can see his face.

The water sways around his wrist. He gazes into Toluca Lake and waits, and hopes that the magic of the eight ball is true.

Will I get to see James today?

It is decidedly so.

If he were to do it all over again from the top, do you think he’d still do it this way?

It is decidedly so.

Does he know I love him?

It is decidedly so.

Does he know I’ll never forgive him?

It is decidedly so.

When the day comes, I’ll kill that motherfucker myself. I dunno how it’s gonna happen, but it’s gonna happen. Fucking asshole. He knows that, right?

….

.. right?

“I gotta go soon, babe,” Harry murmurs to his husband, James Mason (formerly Sunderland). “I’m gonna leave one with you. I’ll be back tomorrow. If you wanna trade, we can. Fuck, I don’t wanna get a fuckin’ yeast infection out here,” he gripes, turning to wade out of the lake. “Seriously, James. Not like a yeast infection wouldn’t stop me from comin’ out here but you bet your ass you’re gonna hear all fucking about it, because it will be your fault, and I fucking hate you, so goddamn fucking much, honeylove.”

Harry makes it out to the shore. He takes the box to its honored seat in shotgun! James’s coffee gets thrown into Toluca; he pours his out where he’d sat. Then the mason with rusted tools scans his exhausted, old, heavily lined eyes across the scenic lake where an orange (rare, so rare, extremely rare and mean everything) firefly swims. He’ll never get over the betrayal. It doesn’t matter if he understands it. It doesn’t matter that he’s (and he’s) been waiting for it long before they’d met. 

After all those thousands of years of looking for each other, this is how he chooses to betray him: like Judas, with a kiss.

A kiss on a ceramic mug that is going to be washed again today, and tomorrow morning, and will scald his hands.

A kiss, a kiss, a kiss from a man whose lips promised I love you with a simple brush. Lips Harry hasn’t felt in three years; his heart can break even more.

Will I ever get to kiss him again? Harry asks his stick shift as he drives towards his six (give or take) hour journey home to Vermont.

It is decidedly so, replies the eight ball.

Will it be soon? inquires a widowed man, widowed for the second time.

It is decidedly so, soothes the inky window.

When?

Turn right off this street, guides the knob too small to say so. Fifty miles out. It won’t take long.

Huh? I can barely see with all this fog. Where am I going?

To see James. 

James? What’s he doing all the way out here?

Waiting for you.

.. waiting for me? I’ll get to see him again?! Jeez.. damn, I’ve got a splitting headache all of a sudden .. fifty miles to Silent Hill.. hrm, seems farther than I remember, but.. 

He’s waiting for you.

.. forgot to clean up the coffee at home.. m’sure it’ll be fine.. Cheryl’ll be over at some point.. heh.. can’t believe he wants to spend our anniversary in Silent Hill.. fuckin’ weirdo.. a vow renewal? And he calls me disgusting..

He’s waiting.

I’m comin’. I’ll be there soon, James. It’s gonna be alright. I can’t wait to see you. We’re gonna have a great vacation, just the two of us, aren’t we, sweetheart?  

It is decidedly so.

[thatheathen]

“Seize the day. Then set it on fire.”

We are living in that cyberpunk dystopia now, the very type Philip K. Dick warned us that could happen and is slowly creeping its way into our personal lives/minds and that's mainly due to big internet providers and the fascist governments whipped by corporations hijacking all modes of freedom even virtual freedoms. everything is connected in the system the ruling class decided and you are a slave with in that caste system until you die. oh gee fun. 

I feel bad for the devs that are forced to time crunch for this month. CD Projekt RED better compensate their workers for pushing this game out for them greedy selfish CEOs who are attached to this game that will no doubt be a hit and make tons of money, but at what cost? video game developers need to desperately unionize before its too late to even do so as most triple A games are made by wealthy liberal and or centrist elites who pretend to be progressive but actually hate unions, socialism, sharing, comradery, solidarity, grassroots fund raising cuz that’s all anti-capitalist and bad you see.  

There is no ethical consumption under capitalism and that's exactly what cyberpunk is; it's a genre of unchained sci-fi yeah but it's also showing capitalism on steroids, corporations gone rogue and eating up all the earth's resources just to produce enough power and energy to run a whole city now requires a while country of power to push harder and harder to keep that light pollution at the maximum. animals should be going completely extinct in a cyberpunk future, what do humans even eat? 

To my mind cyberpunk should be about breaking away from cultural programming that makes us hate each other, fight and kill, it always boils down to those who have and those who have not social structure. That's a lot like Feudalism and a false sense of safety for all people. Cyber-feudalism is how it's structured underneath the veil. “Seize the day. Then set it fire.” 

Cyberpunk seems like a countercultural idea within the hyper-capitalist world that's still very male dominant. The feminine exist only to tantalize the masses, domestic females to slaves of profits and glamour. The brutal police forces ignoring human rights laws daily. Journalism is remotely impossible. So is the world of cyberpunk really a world of freedom and choices? Cyberpunk can be seen as a connection of like minded folk hungry for freedom and not need to fall into crime to survive. For many that’s the world you’re forced to live in or die in. rights are not natural handed from god, they are taken. cyber-rights seems like a fruitless fight in a hyper-cyber-capitalist reality; big brothers eyes everywhere. mass surveillance that would make PKD’s jaw drop.  cyberpunk-world cops are thugs beyond what we could imagine and could kill you on sight if they chose and nobody will care or not be able to do anything. nobodies memories can be trusted unless you express a certain class. all the punks, rejects, anarchists, anti-corporation, hackers, etc. are all outsiders, terrorist suspects. Every queer person or Muslim or any kind of marginalized group of that era is vulnerable as the system doesn’t favor them nor see a reason to protect them, with fascist-leaning politicians WANTING certain groups of people to literally die out. Those who struggle in any unequal world are going to be feeling the most pain. Lots of pain may mean; drug addiction to numb this awful reality, mod addiction to be less human maybe or change your identity completely. Lots of pain could also mean lots of anger towards the system and the state that’s making life so miserable for the 90% the citizens who have no power. cyberpunk 2077s idea is an “anything-goes” kinda place. here’s a sci-fi GTA/Witcher3 sandbox about a fucked up capitalist future that’s super fun and action packed!! It’s okay it’s not real though. Meanwhile capitalism as it exists today is grinding down the working class including the Dev employees working on Cyberpunk as I type this. long hours for the same pay. was it worth it? will it be worth it? will cyberpunk be the GAME that will end labor abuse in the gaming industry? 

People who are different, people who reject authority and anti-human social constructs, people who are spiritual without an organized religion, people so different and taboo to where the ruling elites see them as a threat, mocking those gross punks/queers/dissidents, but love their style and aesthetic because the rich have no soul and ZERO creativity. stealing is what rich assholes do best. rich people steal everyone’s aesthetic claiming it as their own and you begin to see YOUR aesthetic in the media regardless if it's offensive, it’s just unfettered anarcho-capitalist-land, there's no more restrictions to anything really. like ayn rand vision that would result in Bioshock’s world. that was a steampunk nightmare to an extent. point being the rich can do anything. money is power and it only matters to those who thirst for power. Many people just deal with money and hate at the same time cuz what other choice do people have? Poor people get no choices and all the bad days.

The rich and powerful will indulge in the vices of the poor to get another experience; meanwhile the real poor struggle to survive in this electronic hell world and your only choices are to fight and kill these hyper-corporations that run the planet's economy basically and that sucks. seems prophetic in a way to see what the future would be like if capitalism still stood and there was business as usual. I think a true dystopian cyberpunk world is full of dark skies and contagious air due to the extreme pollution i.e. climate change the previous generations of humans ignored and still ignore because profits and luxury and drugs and opulence and legacies and authoritarian rule is far more important to uphold you see. "human nature" is always condescendingly professed as an argument killer to why capitalism is the only way because hooomons are deep down real mean and violent... which is not true. 

Human infants literally can't live without being held and nurtured in a healthy environment. Humans are wired to love and communicate. humans lived a long time cuz they worked together. Humans lived even longer when they learned to domesticate animals leading to agriculture. only in the last 20,000 years have humans begun to grow their ego and misunderstand its message and purpose. fascists and billionaires take advantage of human minds and fool people into thinking there's no other way to live. it's a fucking lie. human beings are disconnected with nature. wires and cables are not non-nature, those are materials derived from nature. everything is nature, but not everything is natural like human concepts fabricated by civilizations.

“Deleuze and Guattari describe capitalism as a kind of dark potentiality which haunted all previous social systems. Capital, they argue, is the ‘unnamable Thing’, the abomination, which primitive and feudal societies ‘warded off in advance’. When it actually arrives, capitalism brings with it a massive desacralization of culture. It is a system which is no longer governed by any transcendent Law; on the contrary, it dismantles all such codes, only to re-install them on an ad hoc basis.” ― Mark Fisher, Capitalist Realism: Is There No Alternative?

I want a cyberpunk game where it's a good kind compassionate civilization, a star trek like society, full of infinite exploration into the cosmos and into our minds... I want a cyberpunk world worth protecting, protecting the people from sneaky politicians (demagogues) and authoritarian thugs ready to install the capitalist religion of endless self-destruction and pain. remnants of evil scatter and reform, we must always help people who struggle under capitalisms spell.

[ty-talks-comics]

The Boys Season 1 Review and Comparison

This was so cathartic.

In an age where we’re inundated with superhero media on all fronts with their bright colors, cheery jokes and positive outlooks, it’s easy to slowly become sick of it, feel the “superhero fatigue” as it were. Where Marvel ruins some stories with far too many jokes (looking at you Thor: Ragnarok) and DC is far too dreary and serious for its own good with a lack of levity, where can one turn to for a GOOD happy medium?

Well, in comes Seth Rogan and Evan Gold, the brilliant minds behind the amazing adaptation of Preacher with yet another brutal and slightly more cynical series. The Boys absolutely stuns not only by being a genuinely compelling series, but also by being one of the few adaptations that improves on the original medium in a few aspects.

Story

The story centers around Hughie Campbell and the titular Boys as they work to expose the horrific deeds of The Seven, a collective of the world's greatest superheroes, and the company that sponsors them, Vought American.

In this world, superheroes are everywhere. They're on breakfast cereals, TV shows, movies, pretty much every piece of media and entertainment imaginable while also protecting America from crime. Sounds familiar, huh? The kicker here is that, much like every asshole celebrity that lets the fame and fortune go to their heads, these heroes are massive cunts. They take performance enhancing drugs, routinely cause accidents that hurt or kill people, sexually harass people left and right and just lie to their adoring public like they’re children.

Unlike the books, however, The Boys team isn’t the well oiled machine that’s been taking down and blackmailing superheroes for years and the first four episodes are spent introducing the different team members.This is likely due to wanting to give people time to care about them individually and the limited number of episodes in the season. This definitely works in also retooling the characters themselves for TV since they may not have seventy-two issues of character development ahead of them

For the most part, the show follows the initial story beats of the comics with a few select differences before splintering off in an entirely new direction. Hughie’s girlfriend still gets blown apart by A-Train, he denies Vought America’s hush money which draws the attention of Billy Butcher and Starlight joins the Seven after the “death” of the hero Lamplighter. 

This also means that there's less time to focus on smaller plotlines and teams that are referenced to in passing dialogue like the Teenage Kix, a pastiche on the Teen Titans, or Payback, the number two group of superheroes to The Seven. While seeing the team take these guys down on the small screen would have been fun, I like the idea of keeping the plot focused on just the core group of antagonists. This way, we don’t have to slog through three or four seasons of small fry and get the big bads in the last few.

After the first half, fans of the comic may start to feel a little bit of the familiar, but then things start to take a drastic turn when Billy's pride and the rest of the teams sloppiness gets them all burned and branded wanted criminals. This never happens in the books because The Boys are funded and protected by the CIA, but here they’re just another group of concerned citizens that are completely in over their heads, adding to the tension and keeping everyone guessing as to what will happen for the rest of the season and in Season 2.

Themes

The original series was written during the latter years of the Bush Administration. Tensions were high and America was still embroiled in the Iraq War. The president was a simpering fool and companies were fucking people over left and right in the name of patriotism. Reality TV and the awful personalities on our screens were on nearly every channel and all of this only fueled the anger that is Garth Ennis’ pen and Darick Robertson’s pencils. It was a product of its time and it was perfect.

We’re now in the Information Age where superheroes and social media are the only things that matter in everyone’s mind, where women’s empowerment is stronger than ever and our leaders speak bombastically with shit eating grins full of lies. Rogen and Goldberg have kept the series modern and take everything to task.

Media. Marvel and DC are everywhere nowadays with some indie companies managing to scrape up their own part of the pie. The Boys makes fun of the seemingly endless cycle of sequels and the goody-two-shoes images of America’s favorite heroes. Everything is carefully managed and curated by a media team, similar to how Disney micromanages even the smallest details of their properties to make everything so sickeningly squeaky clean. 

Not only do the heroes stop crime, but they star in their own movies about themselves as well, some have sponsorships for shoes and have to compete with each other for everything. Almost everything is done for the cameras, even intimate moments whenever Vought can find a way to make it work. The heroes are never too far from the spotlight even when they want to be and oftentimes their acts can go viral without them knowing.

Sexual Assault. In the comics, Starlight is sexually assaulted by Homelander, Black Noir and A-Train in a gross scene to establish that there’s nothing good in that world. It was good for its time in its own dark way, but today there are absolutely consequences to such things as there should have been back then. In the show, Starlight is assaulted by The Deep, her childhood crush, alone. 

It’s dark and makes use of the imbalance of power as The Deep threatens to have her kicked off of the team. Soon after, Starlight comes forward with what happens to her, not allowing herself to let what happened stand and unlike in the books, The Deep gets his comeuppance. Though this also unfortunately leading to him getting assaulted as well. It’s powerful and allows for Starlight to move what could have been an image of weakness, though Vought uses this to their advantage as well, painting her a feminist icon. Best for business right?

Politics. While not everything has to be an allegory for Trump, it’s hard to say that Homelander isn’t just that. He’s what the president thinks he is, a strong, blonde haired man that the entire country loves. Homelander has the people eating out of the palm of his hands and he’s only feeding them shit. He hates the common man and will just as easily let many die if it can somehow serve his interests. He’s not above a little sexual harassment himself and he is just an evil bastard.

There’s also a subplot of military application of superheroes that I feel mirrors the discussion on the use of drones in war. Drones are absolutely deadly and have caused the deaths of hundreds, even innocents when things have gone really wrong. Even President Obama was criticized for how reckless and dangerous their use could be. The world could only imagine the hell that would rain down if superheroes were allowed to duke it out over national security.

Characters

The Boys as a comic series was an unrepentantly cynical take on the superhero genre in an established universe of heroes. The creator, Garth Ennis, didn’t grow up with many superheroes and actually felt disrespected by a few of them, like Captain America. He brought on the amazing Darick Robertson and other artists to realize this horrid world of drugs, hardcore sex and brutal violence. Many of the stories are fun and hilarious, but with the unfortunate feeling of a lot of them feeling one note due to the one dimensional nature of a lot of the “heroes” and the ever escalating level of black humor to the point of being cartoonish.

Our main character cast is absolutely fantastic. Jack Quiad’s Hughie is much like his comic counterpart, aside from being like six feet tall and not Scottish. He’s surprisingly smart with a lot of awkwardness about him. He has a good heart and doesn’t see ALL superheroes as being evil, but does have a slight sense of justice that wants to see The Seven and Vought taken down. 

Karl Urban’s Butcher was the absolute perfect casting choice. He’s got that wry British wit, the fury to capture Butcher’s rage against supes and can play a manipulator like nobody's business. His character arc is one of the few regressions that I can actually appreciate for how it's done, especially as things become more fucked because of him and how he chooses to blame everyone else.

Everyone else is a slight bit of an improvement over the comics versions. The Frenchman, played by Tomer Capon, is similar to his comics counterpart, but we’re given reason to care about him and The Female. In the comics, Frenchie and the Female knew each other prior, but I don’t think it’s ever revealed how they met or became close. In the show Frenchie frees The Female, played by Karen Fukuhara, from thugs that had been keeping her prisoner and he slowly gains her trust over the course of the next few episodes after her introduction. We see their friendship grow, learn a little bit of her backstory and get a better understanding of what she wants versus just following Frenchie around and being terrifyingly adorable.

Annie January aka Starlight, played by Erin Moriarty, is probably the second best change in character in the series. She starts out as a bright eyed, bushy tailed hero looking to do good, but after being sexually assaulted on her first day in The Seven, decides that it will never happen again. In the comics, Annie stays around in The Seven and takes the abuse for a little while before speaking out and fighting back against the rest of them. What makes things even better, not only does she challenge her uber Christian beliefs during an event sponsored by Vought, but she does so while also getting Vought to force her abuser into giving a public apology at the mere thought of her causing their stock prices to crash.

Consequently, Mother’s Milk, portrayed by Laz Alonso, one of the most layered characters in the comics isn’t made better, but the more ridiculous aspects of is character have been toned down. We don’t hear of his disabled mother and his addiction to her breast milk that fuels his own superpowers, nor is his wife a crack addict that makes pornos with their daughter. He’s simply a reliable member of the team that loves his wife and will give Butcher the truth when he’s acting like an asshole.

The series actually brings a lot of grey to most of these characters. A-Train never once shows remorse for his actions in the books, but in the show he's painted as kind of sympathetic, while still being seen as a monster for what he does and the reasons behind them. The Deep could go either way after his actions with a redemption arc or a full turn to villain, but is shown to be knowingly aware of how little regard there is for him. He calls himself a "diversity hire" and acknowledges his own ineptitude, but he's still an absolutely terrible person.

Queen Maeve may be one of my favorite changes that manages to be even more sympathetic than her already pretty great comic counterpart. She, much like Starlight, did want to change the world, but she let the apathy and jaded nature of the job take her over. She's an alcoholic that sees a bit of herself in Starlight. The change comes in how she reacts to what I think might be Homelander's most heinous act in the show. She shows far more remorse and guilt over what happens than she does in the comic, showing us a side of her makes you want to root for her and to see her get better.

The best character… dear Lord, is Homelander, played by Anthony Starr. Homelander is a bastard. The worst thing imaginable because of his sheer strength and power. He’s a sociopath with all of the powers of Superman and none of the goodness. In the comics he’s simply just another asshole. 

He’s the most powerful of the Seven and absolutely revels in the hedonistic lifestyle that he’s accustomed to while also hating being under the rule of Vought. In the show, he’s shown as being supportive to Vought, especially it’s current Senior VP of Hero Management, Madelyn Stillwell. He has something of a mommy fetish as shown with his interactions with her and later in the series actually expresses emotions over learning of his own tragedies, but instead of trying to change for the better, he doubles down on his hatred and anger to become an even bigger monster than before. 

In the comic he just wants all of the superheroes to conquer the world, but here, he just wants to hurt everyone who hurts him. He plays games like a child, threatening and revealing secrets to toy with people before absolutely breaking them. He's horrible in a very personal way and his sneering smile only makes him so much more hateable. He knows there isn't a damn thing you can do to stop him and he revels in that fact, I love it.

Pacing and Direction

Coming in at an hour for each episode, the first two to three can feel a bit slow. Getting all of the story elements to sit just right can take time, especially as new things are introduced every few minutes. This slow burn approach easily helps to build the tension before things get really crazy by episode four. By that point, the story is unfolding at a perfect rhythm, the team is mostly together, they’ve made their plans of action and it’s all so smooth.

Thankfully each episode is directed by different people to avoid each feeling so similar. The common humor and tone is kept the same, but some episodes are very hopeful almost before being met with one that absolutely makes you hate certain characters and the actions that they take. In particular, the episode where Hughie and Butcher visit a group therapy session and Butcher flies off into a rage about the weakness of the attendees as they basically lick the balls of the heroes that have maimed them was amazing. The director pulls so much emotion out of that scene and continues on as the episode moves along in a far more dramatic fashion than some of the others.

Some others lean heavier on the debauchery such as the episode where Hughie and Butcher venture into a superhero sex club and watch as these guys do some pretty amazing feats with their abilities in some really gross ways. There’s a good balance of levity and drama that makes neither feel too overwhelming.

Overall

With a great cast, impeccable acting and an unpredictability that I actually enjoyed, The Boys absolutely blew me away. I was wholly prepared to rip it apart if I felt like it didn’t do the story justice, but Rogen and Goldberg are fans and knew what we all wanted. It’s unabashedly a comic book show, but still has enough to it that people who have never heard of the series will be floored by how much they can find to enjoy.

It’s for the nihilistic and jaded comic book fan. It’s for the casual watcher who’s gotten enough of Marvel’s colorful displays of happiness and it’s absolutely for the happy person who just wants to have some fun with what they watch. 

I thoroughly enjoyed this season of The Boys. So much so that I’m aching with anticipation to re-read the comic series in preparation for Season Two. It’s unlikely that it’ll follow the plot much, if at all after the ending, but with Stormfront (as a woman) being announced as the new Hero joining the Seven in the next season, I’m excited as to who else they might pull. This first season absolutely earns a high recommendation from me.

[amillioninprizes]

An entirely too long post on how to fix Veronica Mars

So, anyone who has followed this blog for any length of time knows: 1) What a massive Veronica Mars fan I was and 2) how distraught I’ve been over the most recent season that debuted on Hulu in July. I’ve been pretty angry about it since it dropped, but the first month after I was pretty occupied with real life stuff. Now that I’m more settled, I’ve found myself getting sadder and angrier over time with just how terrible S4 was and what an obvious fuck you to longtime fans it was. It feels dumb to be so upset over a tv show, but this show got me through a lot over the past 8 years, and I feel like it’s been taken away from me.

 It’s anyone’s guess as to whether there will be a new season. Ideally it would end here with maybe an alternate ending filmed to avoid alienating fans further. On the one hand, the botched release, overwhelmingly negative response, and silence from the creators after initial interviews don’t look good for renewal chances. On the other hand, Hulu doesn’t have a lot of streaming hits, it probably did relatively decent numbers, and there are rumors floating around that its pickup chances look good. On a personal level, I hate the idea that this is where the legacy of Veronica Mars ends, while at the same time being extremely wary of what the creators have planned. I think a big part of the disappointment with S4 was that the movie and books set up what could have been some really interesting storylines and situations, all of which RT and co. squandered for cheap drama and to apparently turn the show into an entirely new vehicle; additionally I had hope that S4 would be a chance to rectify some problems the show has long had, but again, S4 exacerbated them. At this point I don’t expect anyone higher up in the creative process or at Hulu to give a fuck about the fans or making the show better as long as they hit streaming targets, but here are some suggestions:

Fire Rob Thomas

 While he created the show, it’s become clear that not only has he lost touch with the audience and the original spirit of the character, he doesn’t seem too keen on putting much effort into writing the show (as I will discuss below). Then you have his clear misogyny: his views that women in relationships can’t be interesting, that what makes Veronica interesting as a character is her trauma and how much she can endure, and the fact that basically every female character in the history of the show has a history of sexual victimization. He thought that making the Mexican cartel hitmen “philosophical” was subverting expectations (which says a lot of what his expectations of Latinx characters are). Then this is the way he essentially exploited his long term fan base to earn a new season of the show, only to turn around and tell us that we don’t matter. From a business perspective alone keeping him doesn’t make sense; selling a streaming platform on your loyal fanbase and then proceeding to purposefully piss ~80% of them off would be pretty questionable to me as someone in charge. The sheer cruelty with which he treated not only the fans who have supported him for 15 years (I fucking used to liveblog iZombie y’all. iZombie!), as well as how he callously dismissed long time cast members in favor of celebrity guest stars should not be rewarded. He’s admitted in interviews that he would be ok with younger writers doing a reboot many years in the future; why not just let him have a producer credit and then hand the show over to someone who’s invested in making it good?

Put a woman in charge and diversify the writing staff

A big problem with a) Veronica’s characterization in S4 b) RT’s ideas about what makes female characters interesting c) the show’s long history of problematic treatment of sexual assault is that it comes from a man’s conception of the female experience. The Veronica showcased in S4 and that RT wants to write in the future is very much a male fantasy: hates marriage and children, traumatized, DTF, and is too cool for other women. RT stated in interviews that he wanted to show Veronica at a “crossroads” this season in a way he claimed had been shown for men but not women; many female viewers found this depiction to ring false (few women are spending their time fretting about how committing to marriage after five years in an established relationship will bar us from strange sex going forward). In addition to having RT at the helm, most of the show’s writing staff for the majority of its run has been white dudes, which doesn’t bode well for telling the story of a female PI in a diverse community in today’s political climate. Putting a woman in charge would hopefully help rectify these issues to make the character feel more true to life and put a damper on the misogynistic storytelling. The show has a natural candidate in RT’s second-in-command Diane Ruggiero-Wright (despite her problematic history, never forget #KeisterEggGate), who has admitted to not being able to watch the last episode. Jennifer Graham, who wrote both of the books, would also be a worthy addition to the writing staff; while the books had a mixed reception, most fans agree that she got Veronica’s character right. And with the show’s problematic historical treatment of minority characters, adding more POC writers going forward is also necessary.

Bring back Logan (alive)

You don’t have to be a LoVe shipper to recognize just how integral Logan has been since the inception of the show, not just as Veronica’s partner but as a character is his own right. Logan’s journey in many ways parallels Veronica’s, and shows a contrast in how different characters respond to similar trauma. The most critical plot line in the show’s history, the mystery of who killed Lilly Kane, simply doesn’t work without Logan’s importance to Veronica. RT and his defenders like to claim that Logan was holding her back from true growth, which is frankly bizarre as he is the only character to consistently challenge her, like when he tells her that she obviously isn’t happy this season. Additionally, Logan’s scenes this season were the lone highlight of what was otherwise a painful slog of a season. Of the people who have said they would watch a potential S5, a good portion are only interested because they believe that the ambiguity of the last 10 minutes of the season means he’s not really dead (despite what RT has said in interviews). Then there’s what Logan’s death does to Veronica’s character, effectively cutting off what would have been an interesting character arc and stagnating her forever. No matter how much they try to shove Leo the pedo creep and other milquetoast RT self-insert love interests on us, no one else can possible measure up to Logan’s level in terms of being able to match Veronica as a character, intellectually or as a result of shared history.

Plus, the fact that we haven’t had a Weevil/Logan interaction since S3 is a goddamn travesty and should be rectified immediately.

Bring back Veronica

As sad as I am about Logan’s death, for me the most upsetting aspect of S4 was the assassination of Veronica’s character. For many viewers (including myself), the character we saw Kristen Bell portray in S4 wasn’t Veronica Mars but a different character with the same name. Between her abusive behavior towards Logan, her general indifference to her father’s medical condition, her dismissal of Wallace, and her racism towards Latinx characters (using a kid’s lawyer to threaten deportation: not a good look!), she was lacking the marshmallow-y center that always balanced out the pricklier aspects of her character and made her compelling. This change in characterization was especially jarring given that she was not this way when we last saw her in the books, where she mused about having children and sent her half-brother Hunter to summer camp (side note, but does he even exist anymore?). Many of us who had grown up with Veronica were hoping to see her grow with us as a character; instead we got an extreme regression lower than we’ve ever seen her. It would be one thing if they were trying to depict a PTSD storyline, which would make sense given her background, but since her change in behavior is never addressed by the narrative, it just makes her look like a cruel asshole and makes it impossible to root for her. This is exacerbated by the fact that RT has made it clear he has no interest in portraying her inner life, as shown by his wanting to avoid showing her grief over Logan’s death because it would be a real downer compared to the entertaining but ultimately hollow banter and quips he wants to focus on. Veronica this season was also just plain dumb: you mean to tell me that the girl who nearly got killed by Aaron Echolls in her back seat wouldn’t think to check her backseat every time she gets in a car?  (And let’s not even start with RT’s bizarre assertion in an interview that she apparently votes Republican). Not helping matters was Kristen Bell’s performance, which felt very flat for me this season compared to S1-3 and the movie; I don’t know if this was due to personal limitations or a reflection of the bad writing. Writers of future installments and KB herself would be wise to revisit S1, the movie, and the books to figure out what makes sense for Veronica’s character, leading me to my next point:

Get reacquainted with canon, develop a show bible, and hire a continuity director

This show has long had a problem with dropped plots, timelines, and continuity issues. Shelly Pomroy’s party has two happened either in the summer, or the fall. Then we have the movie paradox: Veronica graduated high school in 2006, which means her 10 year reunion should have taken place in 2016. The movie was released in 2014 and the books seem to keep to 2014 dates. Then S4 states that Keith’s movie accident took place in 2013, and mysteriously ages Veronica up to 35 when she should be 32 in 2019. Logan mentions an Aunt Naomi in S4--why didn’t she take care of him after Aaron was arrested (and what happened to Trina)? How the hell is Leo working as an FBI agent when he presided over the disappearance of the Lilly/Aaron tapes? Veronica is shown to be tentatively forgiving of Weevil taking the settlement from the sheriff’s department in Mr. Kiss and Tell, but is then shown to be extremely angry towards him for it in S4. This is just a small selection of the inconsistencies within the show. Plus there is the problem of repeated plot lines: Veronica rejects Leo in favor of Logan in S1, then rejects Leo in favor of Logan in Mr. Kiss and Tell, only for her to...reject Leo in favor of Logan in S4 (and RT says he wants to leave the high school plots behind). This sloppiness doesn’t bode well for a series that is supposed to be about mysteries, which require tight plotting. It would behove TPTB going forward to once and for all determine a timeline of Veronica’s life, keep a detailed record of past plot and character points, and have at least one person on staff who thinks to remember this stuff (RT notoriously has only a “solid, not spectacular” memory of the show, no matter what Kareem Abdul-Jabbar says).

Make an effort (and do your fucking research) 

Moving on from continuity issues to more general problems with the laziness of RT’s writing. He has basically admitted that he doesn’t care much about facts or characterization when writing plots--he shoehorns details to fit the plot rather than have it evolve organically from the characters and prior canon. I know that when writing it’s often impossible to make every story detail 100% accurate, but the extent of RT’s sloppiness is alarming. This excellent Reddit thread details a lot of the problems with S4 in particular, but this has been a problem since S2. Did anyone ever understand exactly why the Fitzpatricks were invested in framing Logan for Felix’s death? In the movie, it makes no sense that if Cobb and co. wanted Carrie silenced, they would add the complication of framing Logan for her murder--given her history, it would have been a lot easier just to make it look like she had accidentally overdosed. Given his previous patterns of villain writing fans were able to guess the identity of the S4 bomber based on casting alone. The mysteries in both Mr. Kiss and Tell and S4 are both ripped from the headlines, which indicates that RT wants to turn VM into the next Law and Order. Meanwhile, he complained about how hard including Logan in the story in S4 was, while Logan arguably had the best lines and most interesting scenes this season--apparently when you put an effort into things, they work out! This laziness extends past storyline issues and into factual problems that detract from the quality of the plot. Longtime fandom pals are probably tired about hearing me go on and on about how there’s no way Aaron’s lawyers could have gotten Veronica’s medical records due to HIPAA laws. Logan’s career change from naval aviator to intelligence is highly unlikely (and unnecessary, given that they changed it only to fridge him at the end of the season). Meanwhile, I know fanfic writers who have spent hours on the phone with strangers in order to research what type of firearm would cause a specific type of bullet injury. It’s very puzzling to me that RT wants to take the show in the direction of being mystery-only when apart from that one time he is piss poor at writing mysteries and puts no effort into them. I shouldn’t have to tell television writers to, you know, do their job but this is what we’ve come to in 2019.

Know your audience

A majorly annoying thing about the promo for this season is how in every single interview Rob Thomas did he was always talking about how he wanted VM to be like other shows and movies: Fargo, True Detective, Game of Thrones, Chinatown (which is apparently the only noir movie he’s ever seen). The thing is, if I wanted to watch those shows, I would; I watched Veronica Mars specifically because I enjoyed its unique qualities, and I would say most fans agree. The general perception within the fandom is that with this season Rob Thomas seems to have been aiming to dump the old, majority female, CW fanbase in order to achieve what he perceives as a cooler prestigious male fanbase; the issue is, new people aren’t going to take up a show in its fourth season if they didn’t watch or didn’t like earlier seasons. Also, trying to write a prestigious show doesn’t make your show prestigious. Considering that based on anecdotal evidence most of the people who like S4 seem to be male, he may have succeeded in the first part of his aim. However, this majority female fanbase he was so willing to cast aside are the ones who have run fansites and rewatches during fallow times (i.e. between S3 and the movie and then between the books and S4), so drumming up interest among fans (and therefore streaming views) in the future may be a challenge. Plus, women are a better advertising demographic since they are more likely to be in charge of household purchasing decisions, so maintaining us as a fanbase makes business sense as well. He may have tricked enough people into watching S4 that S5 is given a go, but I wouldn’t be surprised if streams are weak beyond that. If the show is to succeed as a commercial endeavor, better to go with appealing to a known quantity than trying to make a generic show that very few people have expressed interest in watching.

Bring back the mystery of the week

This is a more minor thing I felt was missing from S4. I think after the criticism of S3 not having a season-long arc RT overcorrected in focusing on one mystery. However, the mystery of the week had the following benefits: 1) giving chances for the characters to interact and telling us more about them 2) helping to modulate the pace of the season-long arc. With better writing a season-long standalone mystery could maybe work, but in the case of S4 specifically the mystery was kind of dull and repetitive and could have stood to include a couple of diversions in the form of a smaller case here and there.

Re-evaluate the creators’ interpretation of the word “adult”

Much of the promo and reviews for this season noted the more “adult” content to be expected this season now that Veronica’s grown. Many fans hoped that meant seeing Veronica act like, you know, an adult with adult problems rather than a teenager less mature than the actual teenager she was. Unfortunately, the show’s interpretation of the word seems to be more in keeping with a television rating sense of the word--meaning sex, drugs, and gratuitous violence (But apparently not the word “fuck.”). Look, it was expected that as the show moved to a streaming service and given the overall dramatic scope that there would be an upgrade in some of this sort of content (and I’d be a liar if I said I wasn’t looking forward to steamier LoVe moments, which were sorely overpromised), but the way it was included this season felt like RT and co. included this stuff just because they could and not to serve the storyline. For me, personally, the biggest example of this was Veronica’s drug use, which I know didn’t necessarily bother everyone. Given her history as the daughter of an alcoholic as well as someone who had been the victim of two roofie attacks, not to mention the fact that her character never seemed to be into partying, I found it very out of character (and book writer Jennifer Graham agrees). It felt like RT included this just bc they thought it would be funny to see Veronica on drugs without considering whether it made sense for her character. Also, were the beheadings strictly necessary? Plus there’s RT’s little temper tantrum over not being able to use curse words this season--they weren’t present in the original show, no one was going to miss them now, and the “cuss” thing was just annoying and reminiscent of The Good Place. 

Dealing with a parent who maybe has dementia--that’s an adult storyline. Too bad RT ended it with a dumb excuse about “mixing meds” (another factual error! Pharmacy software would have caught it!) rather than actually exploring what it would mean for Veronica to see her father in decline and take over the family business (and give Rico Colantoni the exit he appears to want). This is the kind of adult content I would hope to see in future seasons.

Adult is not a synonym for “unrelentingly bleak” either. The original show, while dark, always had an element of hope that was completely removed from S4 (no matter what KB might claim). And would it have killed the writers to show Veronica wearing disguises and going undercover like she used to? There was nothing fun about this season (and no, I don’t count the multiple partying scenes as fun, more like sad).

Kill your darlings

It’s cliche, but it’s true. Another issue the show has long had is the writers keeping around characters or inserting jokes and references for their own personal amusement rather than for the story. The most notable example of this is the continued presence of Dick, a highly problematic character considering he pushed Beaver into the room with Veronica the night of Shelly Pomroy’s party, among a whole host of other racist, sexist, and generally obnoxious actions over the years. But because Ryan Hansen is so widely beloved among the cast and crew, so he stays. Then there’s the matter of the infamous Keister egg in 3x08, which the writers and KB have all expressed love for, despite the fact that said Keister egg is an example of sexual assault--which, even if the victim is a douchey fraternity president, is never funny. 

Also the constant Big Lebowski references are tiring. Watch a new movie.

Improve Neptune’s gender ratio

Veronica Mars, despite having a female lead, has always been a male-dominated show; other than Veronica herself, the only consistent female character over the original show was Mac (and she didn’t even come back this season). This is unacceptable in 2019, for any show. The books introduced promising female characters in the form of Marcia Langdon and Petra Landros, but Marcia’s character was was watered down for S4 and Petra was nowhere to be found. Additionally, Veronica and Mac have always been written as “cool girls” who looked down on other women for their femininity, which isn’t a great message. Almost every other female character, even the innocuous Parker, is portrayed as somehow bad or incompetent. I would love nothing more than a season centered on the women of Neptune and their interactions with each other. While we’re at it, stop giving every woman on this show a background of sexual victimization.

Treat VM as an ensemble show, not a Kristen Bell vanity project 

A major complaint from Burnt Marshmallows and S4 defenders alike was how little time was given over to the original core cast this season. While Veronica may be the protagonist, a large part of how the show became so beloved was her relationships with the other characters. Yet RT has decided that going forward VM will be a KB solo project, with her traveling town to town quipping and sleeping with strangers. This seems strange, given Kristen’s recent interviews talking about how difficult it is to shoot VM and how she never wants to be first on a call sheet ever again, not to mention how she asked for less screen time all the way back in S2, which resulted in the Weevil-Logan storyline, which was way more interesting than Veronica’s storylines during the first half of that season. (The traveling detective thing also seems weird considering that KB is pretty insistent on shooting in LA to be near her family.) Additionally, if this is truly the last season of VM with all the original characters, then no one got a proper sendoff. 

I’m not sure how willing much of the cast will be to return for future iterations, given how uncomfortable many of them seemed during promo as well RT and KB’s treatment of them (insensitive at best, deliberately mean at worst) this season (shout out to Tina Majorino for recognizing what a shit show this was going to be), but bringing back all the original characters into the fold and giving them significant storylines would go a long way to mending fences with fans, improving the show from a character arc perspective, and would also give KB the break she apparently wants. 

Recourt the fanbase

What has VM always been renowned for above all else? It’s incredibly loyal fandom which not only got it renewed twice during its original run but also put up their own money to get the movie made--I know many people who donated when they really couldn’t afford to. RT basically owes the last 6 years of his career to VM fans--the success of the Kickstarter arguably got him the iZombie show running gig, and the fourth season likely wouldn’t have even happened if not for it. Thus, the blatant cruelty and disregard with which RT and KB have treated fans during the promotion of S4 has been incredibly insulting and hurtful; I still can’t fathom what in the world possessed RT to think that throwing away this 15-year relationship was a good idea. It’s not a good sign when the 2 fansites most active during the post-movie period (VMHQ and VM Confessions) cease operations in the wake of S4, and when at least 3 out of 8 board members of the oldest running fan group, Neptune Rising (who were dormant during the post-movie period but played a critical role during earlier fan campaigns and in the S4 promo) resign. A fandom this loyal that was betrayed will not stand idly by if the S5 RT wants to make goes ahead; given the number of tweets the official Hulu VM account has had to delete in the wake of S4 due to the overwhelmingly negative response as well as the controversy over editing out Logan from S4 promos, I imagine that S5 will be a PR nightmare. Even if future seasons are amazing the trust can probably never be fully repaired, but it would be helpful for RT (or fingers crossed, a new show runner) and KB (as star and EP) to go overboard in reaching out to fans and at least admitting they made a misstep with the entirety of S4. Back in the day, the old Mars Investigation fansite was invited to set to conduct interviews; maybe do that again. Also someone should get KB some sort of VM fandom-fluent media trainer because I don’t think she has conducted a single interview during her entire stint on the show that didn’t anger fans (it might help if she actually bothered to watch the show).

Map out an endgame

Look, this can’t go on forever. As long as RT keeps leaving every installment open ended with the hopes of maybe getting renewed again five years down the line, the story is going to keep running into the issues the movie and S4 faced with having to shoehorn the characters into nonsensical plot lines to reconcile those endings and deal with actor availability issues. Either plot another 2-3 seasons to wrap the show up with a satisfying conclusion, or map out a greater timeline of Veronica’s life with spots where a mini series or movie here and there could fit in.

[buddha-in-disguise]

Television ships

So I'm wading in again into those murky waters and TV ships, plus when fans go too far on hate, particularly towards opposing fans or the actors/actresses in the roles.

The longer a show (or movie franchise) runs, the chances that a fan fight breaking out increase.

Every long standing fandoms over more years than I care to think about, in which I’ve been invested, had its ups and downs. 

The earlier ones (as my age dictates), weren’t fought online, but via the printed word or face to face. 

Hell yes, I’m that old. 

Anyway - years ago, this all was from media articles, monthly newsletters sent via snail mail, to fan clubs (often fan clubs with no formal running beyond an occasional meet up in a pub locally), and phone calls that were via landlines that were fixtures you were stuck with in one spot and couldn’t move beyond the cord length! So in other words, from nineteen hundred and frozen to death and the Stone Age of fandom. 

Occasionally it could get heated at the pub where a fan meeting might’ve been arranged, and a few drinks imbibed. I don’t ever remember fisticuffs being thrown, but raised voices weren’t an uncommon sight. 

Sadly today more hate towards cast on Supergirl went out. That people simply seem unable to recognise or understand that just because someone plays a certain role, it absolutely gives no-one the right to attack them personally over it. It is vile.

How does the love at the heart of fandom become something so caustic? 

It’s usually a ton of different reasons, but leaving out the full whys and wherefores this could happen, when new cast and storylines appear - especially when older cast or storylines have been dropped - it fractures the cracking even more between fans. 

Faint lines become cracks. Cracks become chasms.

The new versions of what’s on screen can often seem to be nothing more than attacks on what or who came before them, so by extension, is an attack on the fans who loved them. 

An actor or actress might get asked a question asking them about a specific aspect of their character and possibly those around them. They have the right to respond on how they might see something occurring. That doesn't mean it would happen or is planned.

If they're being asked in regards a known aspect of their role, again it isn't on them if you don't agree. They are merely playing that part.

This is on the show as a whole.

Note I say the show - this is an important distinction. 

If things do change that you don't agree with, don't attack those involved or even other fans (as often also starts to occur), if you disagree with something so much.

However, even previously staunch fans might well now watch for completely different reasons to what drew them into the show to begin with. 

It doesn’t mean there are other staunch fans who should move on or agree with a direction a show might take. You are just as valid in what you want. 

These two points of view are equally authentic. 

In regards LGBTQ+ representation; as difficult as it is to palate for a lot of people, there are also other reasons why those aspects might shift, or not emerge at all, regardless of how much fan support there might be.

We’ve (husband & myself) been around long enough to know what poor and good representation looks like. Heck, good representation is still nigh on impossible to find.  

But consider this. 

Representation is also more than just one group and there are some (like transgender people or gay men or POC) who’ve had even less. They deserve more, and sometimes that starting point is horribly bad. By horribly bad, I mean nothing has come before them.

We’ve also been around long enough to know it isn’t black and white. It isn’t linear.

Just like coming out, you constantly have to do it. That sometimes means taking what is the worst outcome, but using it to steadily push for the better ones. It sometimes means you might have to take that step backwards to move forwards. 

It can also feel unsavoury to do that. 

It is an exhausting situation, to constantly push for better representation. 

This is a process. Occasionally that process will force steps back - but as long as the overall push forward is bigger than that, it will carry on. 

So take on board what others see as great or groundbreaking representation. As in the case of Nicole Maines.

We were at the one fan meet and greet with Nicole, and it was pleasing to hear how much she talks with those producing the storylines, how they also talk to GLAAD. 

There is a lot that resonates for us in Nia’s story as a transgender woman. A lot my husband wishes he could’ve seen as a child growing up, not in his early 50’s. 

Think about that. 

For all the complaints might be that there isn’t good enough representation, it’s taken until someone is in their 50’s to get even a fraction of what you might have seen. 

At the end of this, if you don’t agree, and your opinion makes you say something that is intentionally hurtful (directly or indirectly to a person or group of people), it's a bad thing.

If you read comments, and immediately believe it’s an attack on you and your love for something or someone, when there is absolutely nothing to hint otherwise, even if you believe wholeheartedly it’s an attack - for a good example Twitter - and subtext or subtweeting, when in truth on any other given day it could merely be nothing more than a generic comment. 

If you always feel targeted, if you always look at the worst outcome or reasons behind things, it’s leads to those feelings becoming your normal. 

So - Distrust, feeling targeted. In themselves, they are something everyone feels at some stage. If though it’s a constant state for you - that is not normal. 

Also make sure when you do read something, you are reading it correctly. 

Too many have jumped on a poster over a post or comment, and are twisting or misrepresenting what was said.

Be absolutely sure you’re not putting your own bias into things, when if you read more carefully you’d see it wasn’t what was said at all. 

It’s why I also try to never respond to anything as a knee jerk reaction, because I always try to be sure that a) I’m reading something accurately, and b) my own bias isn’t tainting what I might perceive or how I might reply.

I’m also always open to talk to someone calmly, and I will always listen to differing points of view. 

That doesn’t mean I will accept being dictated to. 

If anything, I always ask does this need to be replied or spoken about at all? 

Stop.

Pause.

Ask yourself these things.

We all have a duty of how we behave.

It is not cool or clever to be vicious over it, if you decide on all out attack, in the words of Chyler; it makes you a jerk! 

Scroll past the posts. Do not engage. Do not be that jerk. 

Misgendering, or in the case of my husband, misgendering and being talked about as ‘that thing’ is transphobic. Azie has faced similar language or attacks that have been outright racist in nature. Nicole has faced transphobic abuse constantly online. If you agree with anyone who posts those things, or are someone who posts them, that doesn’t put you in the jerk territory, but the utter asshole territory. This is the one area of intolerance I have with people. Bigotry of any kind is deplorable. 

Be ready to back up stuff with proof if you can. Don’t just repeat others, rinse and repeat. Know what you say is true, and accept you might be asked to prove it - and if you can show that proof, do so. Don’t be offended if you are asked. Not everyone will have witnessed events as they happen. 

People don’t always think to grab a screencap of things when emotions run high, and sometimes tweets get deleted for various reasons. That doesn’t mean it’s demonstratively untrue - but be aware you should always try to discuss with accuracy. 

Finally for this post at least.

Try to be more kind.

Try to accept we are all different and we all have differing journeys. 

Try not to hate.

Don’t be that asshole.

[jmespottuh]

❛  if there’s one thing the gods love, it’s tragedy. with wings that burn and boys who fall. ❜

* ╰   brandon arreaga  ;  17 ;  he/him  —— wow, james potter sure has changed. i guess he is feeling isolated from the other gryffindor members. guess you can’t really blame them. i still remember them being so charming & incisive now they just seem dependent & inexorable.  guess being a  pureblood isn’t helping matters much either.  i’m hopeful though. they’ll be just fine.

links: pinterest, stats character parallels: bellamy blake ( the 100 ), shane madej ( buzzfeed unsolved ), jake peralta ( brooklyn nine-nine ), stefan salvatore ( the vampire diaries ), scott mccall ( teen wolf ), steve harrington ( stranger things )

james henry potter ( named for two his two grandfathers, maternal and paternal respectively ) was born on april 4th, 1960 to two of the most loving parents a child could have.

fleamont and euphemia had been trying for a child for years. they’d been together for basically all of time, having been that typical good-looking, well liked couple in hogwarts that everyone always just assumes will get married ( spoiler alert: they did ), however had had to postpone kids due to fleamont’s brief stint as a professional quidditch player for eight years following their graduation. after that, they would try every month for a child, and after many years of disappointment, eventually gave up. it was during this time that fleamont developed the sleekeazy hair potion which only added to their immense wealth. 

finally at age forty-one, they were surprised with the arrival of james. obviously, they saw him as their miracle child, and as such he was pampered and completely spoiled from the moment he was born.

i cannot stress enough how much this spoiled upbringing shaped james into the person he is today. if you’re wondering why he was ever an arrogant prick, it’s because he was always used to getting absolutely everything he ever wanted. he grew up with money, he grew up with fame and with every bit of attention he could garner, and so it was really no wonder he was a bit of an asshole by the time he started at hogwarts.

obviously, james had a pretty cushy childhood, and as such, shit didn’t start getting real until he started at hogwarts. 

it took all of three seconds for the hat to sort him into gryffindor, and i guess you could say he pretty much considered himself to be the gem of the house. he was the absolute epitome of a gryffindor, basically considered him the poster boy and all but expected everyone to love him.

really did not help his ego to know that everyone did.

in typical sterotype-gryffindor fashion, james hated slytherin. he had always been taught growing up that purists were basically the root of all evil, and his father had had no qualms in lumping all these people in with the house of the snakes. james and his friends took a particular disliking to severus snape almost immediately for the poncy way in which he seemed to believe he was superior to all for his intelligence and his house status, and this dislike only grew when lily evans was tossed into the mix, too.

for basically the first four or five years of hogwarts, james really was that stereotypical arrogant asshole that he’s often made out to be. he always got everything he asked for, he was incredibly popular and incredibly intelligent, he had the most amazing friends and his eyes on the most amazing girl. he was set!! shit was good!!

shit was not good, though. definitely was not.

despite having known of remus’ furry little problem since second year, things didn’t really start to settle in james how awful it was until third or fourth year. he hated seeing his friend in pain, he hated that he couldn’t help, and so he rallied the boys to put into action their worst plan yet!!!!

becoming animagi!!!!!!

it took fucking forever, obviously, but by the end of fourth year they did it!! we stan icons

except then in fifth year shit hit the fan again in just, like… so many ways

first, it was the whole severus ‘mudblood’ situation. honestly, james was absolutely furious. he’d always hated snape but this just made everything 1000 times worse. even if it had happened to anyone else, he would have been fuming. but for it to have happened to lily like… yikes. 

this was also a horrible time for james though because lily rejected him for the thousandth time. like, look, what a yikes thing to think when she was just called a mudblood, but frankly he was sick of being rejected and he was sick of being the asshole who kept pressuring her so that was the breaking point — he gave up on her. 

and tbh, he changed a lot from here on out. grew up!! became a better person bc he saw how horrible snap was and decided he was sick of horrible people!! saw, recognised and acknowledged that just bc he was hot and intelligent and rich he wasn’t always going to get everything he wanted ( see: miss evans ) and just generally learned that oh shit the world doesn’t revolve around him!!!

oh and then there was that whole thing with sirius and snape and remus the werewolf and ohhhh boyyyy…. that infuriated him. 

he loves his bros so much and y’all know he would die for them, but to see his friend abuse remus’ pain and suffering for his own gain was heart wrenching. it just pushed him further to pull him in line, to realise that not everything was about games, or petty rivalry, or ‘ getting the girl ’ — life was heartache and mistakes and it was never going to go the way he wanted it to.

now look, this isn’t all to say that james is now a super strict, super intense, brooding weirdo. he’s still a bit of a child, and he’s still a bit of an arrogant prick, but ultimately what wins out is his morals — every time. he wants to lead the world to a better place, without war and without hate, he wants everyone to have the same opportunities he had as a kid and he wants nothing more than for blood purity to be eradicated.

get that shit outta my house!!! gross!!!!!!

now in his final year, james is always flipping between taking his role as head boy deadly serious and turning it into one big game of mischief. he’s still a marauder at heart, after all, and has definitely abused his power sometimes for the benefit of fun and games, but when it comes down to it, he can be very strict and lowkey paternal. the leader really just…. popped right outta him, it came to play and it came hard, and really you’d think he’s minister for magic with how serious he treats it sometimes.

i hate him.

the disappearance of one of his best friends, one peter pettigrew, landed james to flop pretty fucking hard on the side of seriousness. once you spend months without knowing where your best friend is, thinking he’s dead, you’re bound to start to lose a bit of that which once made you smile. it was this piled on top of what james had already been feeling which led the head boy to start finding ways he could join the revolution within the walls of hogwarts --- it’s been bloody hard but james is determined to make a difference, to make sure no one else he loves suffers in a war that they never asked to fight in the first place.

anyway here’s some fun facts that didn’t fit up top

james is a lot less intense with his hatred for slytherin’s. he has come to recognise that not everyone from that lifestyle is going to be the same, not everyone who grew up a certain way or was sorted into a certain house is going to think with a deadly mind, and while he’s still a bit wary, he’s a lot more relaxed about it, especially as head boy ( gotta at least pretend shit’s fair !!! )

he’s very dependent as in like… boi cannot go a week without his friends. he is used to having people to bounce off, that’s always the type of leader he has been, and as much as he would probably be amazing at anything on his own, he’s never really tried. too scared!! i hate him!!!!!

super unforgiving. like, if you have gotten on his bad side…. i’m sorry. it is going to be very difficult to return from there. his moral compass is pretty black and white, you’re either good or your bad, and if you’ve done something he considers bad well sucks to be you, i guess. sorry not sorry.

takes his quidditch very seriously tbh. so many people have told him he needs to be a pro like his dad, but he’s like haha fuck you i know what i wanna do ( hint hint: he wants to rule that goddamn auror office, make that shit far more efficient then he thinks it is now ). but srsly, he’s so intense abt the game and it really like… idk gets him in the zone, keeps him level-headed in amongst all this chaos. 

he’s smart. i guess. straight a’s and shit idk. just very naturally intelligent, finds everything he does easy, like.. really is that asshole who is just good at everything he does.

[shnookumsandlovemuffin]

Part 3: The Dynamic Between Alex Vause and Madison Murphy

I know this took a while but now I finally have some free time to talk about it so here we go:

What do Alex Vause and Madison Murphy have in common? Both these women were victims of bullying as children but both chose to deal with it in different ways which led them to become the people that they are today. In a way Madison and Alex are almost two sides of the same coin. They’re not too different from each other. Hear me out.

Alex Vause

Constantly bullied for being poor and was given the nickname “Pigsty” but thanks to her mom uplifting her, giving her confidence and offering her the supportive phrase: “Don’t you listen to those smarty pants assholes they’re going to have boring ass lives they’re going to wish that they were you, you are cool.” years later just like momma Vause prophesized  her daughter became a badass drug smuggling hot lesbian traveling all over the world who could bend any woman to her will.

Though it’s never been spoken aloud I think it’s pretty safe to say that Diane was Alex’s best friend and strongest support system that got her through those rough times and instilled that confidence within her to be the person that Alex is today. 

And one of the greatest ironies to Alex’s character is that she fell in love with and married the type of girl that bullied her as a kid. And that is very telling of what kind of person Alex is, the fact that she’s able to unapologetically allow herself to love this person despite her past experiences with women like Piper. It shows that Alex has indeed grown and matured from her bullying experience. She doesn’t forget mind you, but she doesn’t hold any grudges, and she doesn't project those experiences onto Piper because Piper is not them.

Alex is a hardened woman who wears her confidence like a suit of armor. It’s the confidence that her mother had given her as child that helped her through the years and it’s something only Piper can penetrate to reach her most vulnerable spots. Without Diane there’s no telling how Alex would’ve probably turned out. Diane gave Alex a sense of pride and she was the driving force in Alex's life.

Madison Murphy

 Madison Murphy is a girl with anger issues who had been bullied ever since she was a kid  because she farted once back in fourth grade and received the nickname “Fartison.” Her relationship with her parents is rocky and sometimes violent to the point where she broke a window and hurt her mom. There's not a whole lot of uplifting in the Murphy household. And I wouldn't even be surprised if there was some physical abuse to the no doubt speculated emotional abuse Madison get's from her dad. To set her straight her parents sent her away to deal with the problem because maybe they felt they couldn’t handle it anymore or maybe they just didn’t want to.

Madison is a prime example of the bullied becoming the bully. She’s a shit stirrer but as Alex so eloquently put “she’s like the handheld blender of shit stirring.” She’s a fucking child who never progressed, who never grew up, who never got over her experiences as a kid. She’s desperate to stay Carol’s top dog because it’s all she has her power comes from bullying others who appear to be weaker than herself to make herself look good in front of people like Carol and yes even Alex. Whether Madison will ever admit it or not Alex is indeed the alpha to her beta.

Alex and Madison chose different paths in terms of their experiences with their bullying. One changed for the better and one changed for the worst. I think it's safe to say that Alex never held a grudge towards her experience because if she did she wouldn't be with Piper. With Madison it's pretty obvious that she does. I personally think Madison's distaste for Piper goes beyond Piper taking away her power. Much like a lot of people on this show Madison doesn't like Piper because she represents everything she doesn't have or even the kind of person that bullied her growing up. Madison has not grown from that and she didn't have the greatest support system to help her deal.

I don't think Madison is completely awful she does show glimpses of empathy for others. Which leads me to believe that Madison is not a lost cause. There's potential in there. The difference between her and Alex is that Madison has no real power, she has no real wit. She’s not a real badass, she’s a victim turned bully and a childish bully at that. Alex knows it and pegged her since the moment she met her.

“Carol’s the big boss, you’re a fucking child.” - Alex

Alex is more on the level with someone like Carol minus the psychopath and the sadistic nature. When she and Carol are talking you get this vibe that two grown women are having a conversation. Carol is business woman, Alex is a business woman.  Alex knows how to talk to a woman like Carol. She is not intimidated by her, but she gives her respect and is totally manipulating her at the same time by stroking her ego and sparking her interests to get her to do what she wants i.e: make Madison leave Piper alone.

Alex the new Alpha of C block?

After the big kickball game and with Carol and Barb gone it’s possible D and C block will no longer have an alpha female to call the shots. Everyone will be governing themselves. But let’s say they did decide to keep the alpha role going. With Carol out of the picture who’s running C block? My money is Alex. She most certainly won’t want to but I feel like Alex being the leader of C block will be this unspoken thing. Everyone just knows it, everyone just accepts it whether Alex wants to or not. Madison won’t take this sitting down but when Carol died Madison’s “power” went with her. Maybe it will be as Carol said to Madison:

“keep mouthing off and you’ll be working for her” - Carol

Possible foreshadowing perhaps?

I can honestly even see Madison developing respect for Alex and sooner or later even accepting her as a leader, maybe even friends, who knows. But overall I do not think Madison is lost cause. Next season I would like to see a much softer Madison because it’s definitely in there.

[laufire]

ENDGAME

Okay. I definitely won’t be able to sleep today, so I might as well pour out all my Endgame feelings right now.

First thing first, I was probably in the WORST POSSIBLE HEADSPACE to watch this film; national elections where fascists could take over Congress (spoiler alert, they didn’t. I literally just cried with relief for over ten minutes) AND being extremely concerned about characters you over-identify with on the same day, all after the worst year of your life, apparently don’t mix well. Who would have thunk.

(btw, I was spoiled as I was voting about That Very Big Thing; everyone who follows me probably can guess what I’m talking about. I almost threw hands tbh. Then almost cried over a dozen times on the way to the theatre because the stress of the day was killing me ugh).

All this to say, my head is a mess right now, I don’t even know if this post is going to make any sense, and I will probably take time to process certain things and have a definite opinion on them LOL. But well, here is now.

And err. Warning for a brief mention of suicide ideation?

(crossposted to dreamwidth, livejournal, and pillowfort)

TONY (& CO)

– In case it wasn’t obvious, the thing I was spoiled about? Yeah, it was Tony’s death. FML. I mean, even if I wasn’t spoiled, I would’ve seen it coming as soon as we saw him after the five years jump, lbr (happily off-screen married to Pepper? With an adorable daughter? Pepper resigned to the possibility of losing him instead of begging him to stay like in IW? And then the movie kept hammering it home LMAO; that and a lot of things for the mains that I kind of saw coming from less than a third into the movie, which IDK if it’s because I was particularly intuitive, or the foreshadowing was that heavy handed xD).

Obviously, I’m not rocking your world if I tell you I’m extremely heartbroken, I guess. Especially because, as I said, my emotions were already all over the place. And seeing a character I adore, and in who I project a lot of my issues on –including, yes, suicidal issues–, sacrifice their lives (no matter how poignant, and moving, and well-written it might be) was incredibly hard for me. So, yeah. I’m going to have to deal with that for a while I guess. Which I plan to do by writing a bunch of Fix-It and Not Actually Fix-It fics ASAP.

But. I mean, out of all the endings Tony could have, this was always my second choice for him. And he was grandiose in this film. He figured out time travel. He created a gauntlet capable of holding the Infinity stones. Beings far more powerful than him were trying to carry that gauntlet to the van and none of them thought to use it, but he did. He was completely vindicated. He is the Saviour of the Universe.

And he looked gorgeous the entire time, which is truly important for me.

– In all seriousness, the thing I take to heart the most is that

his legacy remains intact

, and it’s inspiring, and heroic, and poetic, and prosperous. Clearly, without him, my enthusiasm for the universe will never be the same, but one thing that worried me is that I wouldn’t want anything to do with Marvel for a while after this film, and that’s not how I’m feeling; I’m very much looking forward to further parallels and homages to him in my ever-growing list :P

Tho, honestly, I’m kind of side-eyeing myself for the fact that, the one time!!! I go and fall in love with a male lead character, he happens to be genuinely heroic and self-sacrificing, instead of just using those concepts as lip-service and getting to have his cake and eat it too LMAO. I mean, sure, given my reactions to those characters, the AeJons Snowrgaryens of the world, I wouldn’t have liked him so much if it was the case, but dammit. It’d be nice to experience that high sometime xD

– The Iron Fam is the best part of this movie for me. Tony’s relationship with Morgan was way too adorable to handle it; Pepper was enormous and so poised (and the scene where they circle around each other in their armors… poetic cinema); I didn’t get enough Iron Husbands to satiate me (Rhodey’s caress should have been skin to skin!), but I loved what we got; Happy is an assholes who made me cry ABOUT CHEESEBURGERS.

And let’s not talk about Peter, OMG. My heart. And Harley appeared to Tony’s funeral! Though, honestly, the person I missed the most there was Christine Everhart, who should have been there just on the basis that I like her (plus, ya know, IMO she was important to Tony’s origin dammit).

I’m going to consider Nebula an honorary member, tbh. Her scenes with Tony in space cut me deep; and she and Rhodey are buddies!

Natasha and Fury (I loved his appearance *sniffs*) are honorary members too, because fuck it. They both appeared first vis a vis Tony on his movies, and have two of my favourite relationships with him, and I say so.

– Related to that, one Failure™ of this movie, is not providing a Nat & Tony one-on-one scene. Seriously, I can’t believe they didn’t realize how necessary that was. But I ADORED the scene where they and Bruce are lying down bouncing ideas about the stones (it made me softly whisper “ot3” LOL); it was possibly the only “Avengers” moment that worked for me –other than Clintasha, but that’s on a different league tbh.

I wanted more Nebula & Tony scenes too; I would’ve loved to see Tony interact with Past!Nebula. Yes, realistically, he would probably had made her LOL, but. I needed it. it’s definitely on my to-write-list :P

– I wanted just some positive interaction between Carol & Tony to counteract Current Comics Bullshit and I got Carol rescuing him, smiling beatifically at him, and Tony basically saying she was Da Bomb and the Avengers should follow her lead instead of keep sucking xDD So that was nice.

– I loved the scene at the beginning where he fucking SNAPS, and goes for Steve’s throat. It was probably my favourite scene. It’s resolution with everyone’s reactions and after the flashforward kind of… totally sucked, but whatever. Still amazing.

– The only part of his storyline that I HATED, and I mean absolutely loathed, was his scene with Howard. Jesus Fucking Christ. They went with the most simplistic take they could have, didn’t they. I haven’t felt more insulted in the theatre in my entire life, and my family made me watch both Ocho apellidos movies with them, so Marvel? That’s a feat. The moment where he says his father hit him with a belt so we (Tony included) are supposed to think, well, at least Howard wasn’t physically violent with his son, hooray?

And I think we’re supposed to take his “wouldn’t want my son to turn like me” as motivation for Tony’s actions and like… newsflash, but Tony has “put the worlds’ needs over his own gain” since Iron Man. Fucking. One. It’s literally what he does in this film, because we’re shown that, despite having achieved his happy ending, he was still trying to figure out time travel even if it meant risking his future.

Seriously, if they wanted me to be moved, they should’ve used Maria. Or hell, Edwin Jarvis was right there. And if whitewashing of Howard’s abuse becomes one of those MCU things that ends up bleeding into the comics, I’m gonna riot. Ugh.

BTW, just thought about this. Has anyone confirmed what the H. of Morgan’s second name stands for? Because my immediate idea was that it was for Happy, but now the fear that it might relate to Howard has entered my brain and I need someone to drive it out.

OTHER FAVES :P

– I am a lot more heartbroken over Natasha’s death than I expected to be. I like her character on paper a lot, but sometimes the writing or the acting don’t agree with me; neither was the case in this movie. I thought she was incredible. I loved the scene where she’s leading the post-dusting council. So losing her in this movie, of all movies, really hurts. And I understand why people who love her would be unhappy, and even furious –to some extent, so am I, tbh; specially because I don’t think she was properly honoured by the other characters after the fact–, but I do think it was extremely fitting for her arc.

– I loved Nebula’s storyline; how she was able to form new relationships, and what I know will be enduring friendships. Her interactions with her younger self were fascinating too; I loved that she perfectly followed the time-travel mumbo-jumbo. And she was so adorable at the beginning. Her bond with Tony didn’t have as much screen time as I wish it had, but the rest of the movie really shows how much his kindness touched her, and I love it. I’m a bit sad she didn’t get to kill any Thanos, tho.

– Okay, putting him in the “faves” section doesn’t exactly feel right, but whatever: I maintain that Thanos is a great villain. I don’t know what people that say otherwise are thinking. He’s the perfect foil for so many characters, and he is genuinely villainous; he is so delusional and self-righteous (seriously, his “solution” for the Snap 2.0 was… o.0) his plans feel sincerely menacing. He perfectly spells out his own doom; narratively speaking? He’s a joy of a villain to me. And I loved how he reacted to the information about the future; specifically, that upon learning about Nebula’s “betrayal”, his tactic was SOFTENING towards past!Nebula to make her even more eager to please him.

– Carol didn’t have much screen time, but I liked what she got (like, nothing too deep, but I didn’t expect much). I liked the Carol/Rhodey nod, even if I’m not sure how I feel about the ship in this incarnation. I wanted to hear something about Maria, but welp.

And on a shallow note, I kind of love that fandom absolutely freaked out about her wearing lipstick on a scene (while praising the “~natural no-make-up make up, effortlessly feminine without looking like you’re actually trying” look that she sported on CM, and disregarding that while yes, it was a troubling look that fitted a pattern across movies, A4 was made first so it was hardly a “betrayal” of the semi-grunge style), for the movie to go and give her the butchest look she’s ever gonna get on film lmao (and I will be pleasantly surprised if they’d keep a look like this for a movie where she’s the lead and not a supporting character, tbh).

– Sam and Bucky were So Soft™ with each other OMG. If their show doesn’t have at least ONE episode centred on them going undercover as a married couple, I’ll write it myself, because they are perfect for it (especially if you add some of the early banter/antagonism).

Btw, Sam getting the shield? The only good part of that mess at the end LMAO.

– I have mixed feelings for the Alt!Gamora development. I just… really loved the GOTG-IW versions of her character and her ship, and she’s gone and just… :( And that type of pseudo-amnesia/relationship do-over thing can be so badly written sometimes… But she’s back, and if done right, the role-reversal between her and Nebula could be gr10 for GOTG 3. We’ll see.

THE BAD™

– I know if I walked up right now to the Russos, and asked them why they hate Thor so much, they wouldn’t even understand the question. They would say, but we love Thor?? He’s such a fun character?? Or some version of the sort. They can fool themselves, but not me. You don’t do this to a character for whom you feel a modicum of respect, IMO.

Like, the fat-phobic jokes? The way they dealt with his substance abuse? How his arc about stepping up and assuming responsibilities ended by… him throwing away his responsibilities. Losing his hammer was a turning point for him to relearn the lessons about value and worthiness and power he’d been taught, and then… this movie. I couldn’t even fully enjoy his scenes with Frigga because I was so appalled by it all.

His only great scene, IMO, was how horrified and out of it he sounded after killing Thanos. I really felt that.

I didn’t even enjoy that he passed his power to Valkyrie because… unlike with Sam, that basically came out of nowhere. If they at least had given them ONE more scene at the beginning; seriously, it writes itself: just put her in the room when Bruce and Rocket are trying to convince him to go with them, and have her being the one that does it. Make her help him the way HE helped HER in Ragnarok; show her trying to help him and getting angry and frustrated. IDK, something.

And I know I’m probably alone in this because everyone around me practically creamed their pants when it happened but… having Steve control Mjolnir felt like adding insult to injury. Not just lifting it (which I would’ve been annoyed by too, given that they rewrote the new Asgardian mythology just to have this scene lol), but commanding it as only Thor did. Just. How much more are you going to take from Thor, people.

I want to make it clear that my problem is with the execution, not with Thor going through this; that, written differently, with more care, I could have loved.

– I’ve always been conflicted with MCU Steve. I loved the Captain America old comics I read as a child, and 616 Steve was A Hero. So I wanted to love MCU Steve just as much but… it often felt that he just didn’t measure up.

Well, conflict over. I don’t like the guy. Reading Man Out of Time just a few months ago probably isn’t helping (and yeah, that’s not a fair comparison, but it illustrates why I look at 616 Steve, and I adore him, and then I turn to MCU Steve and just… this guy is not worth my time).

I couldn’t even enjoy the ship, because my feelings for it come solely from my love for Peggy, and she didn’t even get to say a word? Add to that the fact that an endless loop of “OMG HE MADE OUT WITH YOUR NIECE. NOW HIS NIECE. RUN” was going through my head the entire time (the fact that Sharon was absent from the funeral when EVC acted in half of the MCU Russos films is hilarious in light of this xDD).

 MISC

– I really enjoyed some of the heist shenanigans. Especially Tony’s plan for a distraction being GIVING HIS PAST SELF A HEART ATTACK. How extra and edgy can my man be xD Tony and Scott are A Duo.

– I was thinking that Alt!Loki might make an appearance in GOTG3 if Thor is really a part of it, and how that might mix, but then a friend reminded me about his show, so I guess that’s where they’re going? IDK, The Avengers’ Loki is probably the one I liked the least out of all his appearances, so unless I hear something really good about it, I’m not picking it up.

– IDK if it’s because I was desensitized, but the white suits and Clint’s hairdo didn’t look as ugly on the final product?

– So THAT was the gay character Feige went on about. I knew he was going to be an unnamed nobody with less than five lines LMAO. Stop being cowards and give us Danbeau and WinterFalcon.

– I was very touched about Ned and Peter’s hug (MY BBYS), but isn’t Ned supposed to be five years older? AKA out of high school? I mean, he looked like he had missed Peter, not like he had disappeared with him too? And the entire class is going on a trip in FFH? Is it because of nostalgia/a friends thing? Were all of them dusted? Because poor teacher then xDD

– I think a lot of emotional threads were unceremoniously dropped, but other than the ones I’ve mentioned, I’m more indifferent towards their recipients so… eh. A great example is the fact that Bruce’s conflicting journey with Hulk was solved off-screen LMAO. Some of the humour felt extra-cringy too tbh.

– I have Tony-related fanart as my lock screen, my computer background, and my phone background. I get teary eyed with just looking at them. I should think of changing them, but I wont xD

– I know I’m forgetting things but whatevs, I can talk about them later.

[connywrites]

Eavesdropping

now on [AO3]

“Yeah, well, my mom was a piece of shit, and uh, my dad—oh yeah, he was a piece of shit, too,” Leo snapped, a familiar sign of finding it hard to stop talking shit once he started.

“Not to mention the whole, liking an android more than me, anyway,” he spat with the same fluctuation in his voice as he’d used the day he sauntered in with the expectation of more money; the day when Markus confronted him and his own father encouraged him to back down from his spat of violence. It didn’t matter what he did, how he did it or what measures he took to achieve what he wanted, whether Carl gave it to him or not– it was all he’d seen, wanted or cared for, so he’d go out of his way to do anything to obtain it.

Leo was a person that insisted on pushing forward, for better or worse. If he was challenged, he would tackle it head-on, even if it meant a worse demise for himself.

“But that’s just the complaint everyone has these days, isn’t it? At least it was before everything lead to shit and robots had their heads over ours. But hey, maybe that’s just my fucking problem, after–”

A strange sensation churned in his chest while his typical double personality fought against itself, leaving him to try and make a decision over ‘which Leo’ he would allow himself to be today. It depended on the moment, what he wanted, and which way would be the best to achieve his desires. Lying and telling stories were second nature to him, and exaggeration in his favor fit his sticky fingers like sterile gloves.

“You know what that piece of shit said to me?” He always did the annoying pause for emphasis after a prologue of words, knowing it riled up whomever he was talking to, a key role in his typical manipulation tactics. The more he spoke out loud, the more he fed into the rage still stirring within him, feeling the resurgence of bitter hatred seeping its way to the surface of his skin the same way it always did.

“You know, my dad was full of his own crap, but at least he was real,” he said in an intentional diversion from his original question as he’d already lost the thought.

“This thing…I dunno. It pretends. It pretends real well.” Whoever he was on the phone with seemed to encourage him as he rocked in his seat, leaning forward and speaking with dramatic prominence.

“And that’s like, that’s the point, right? It was made like that, and dad fell for it. Just like ev-er-y-bo-dy else,” he muttered in sharp, slow, spaced syllables, revisiting his misanthropic view of humanity as a whole to fuel the emotional fire.

“I don’t know what’s up, but it’s freaky, you know? I live here, with this thing that could kill me in my sleep. I can’t really explain it. Everyone was scared seeing him on TV, and I live with that, night and day. I could die like, you know, one of the cops in the street did or whatever. I mean, they shot him and took him to the junkyard and the freak came back from the dead, or whatever.”

It was too deep of a thought process, but now that he’d plunged into it, he couldn’t escape what he’d started.

“That’s what I mean. You don’t really know, and it’s not like they tell you.” While Leo couldn’t comprehend much about the politics involving Cyberlife, he had a basic understanding of why the majority of the population didn’t take a particular liking to androids. The shift of power was sudden, and in his own view, he felt like it was majorly his own fault—he’d been shoved to the ground with a concussion in the midst of a petty argument, they’d lost their father and before he knew it, he was sharing bus seats with different mechanical models sharing the same faces, pretending they had an identity in a serial number.

Human rights. New species. Something something, new life form. Freedom. The news reports still rang in his mind as it was all he saw and listened to while bound in the hospital bed that day, as well as the next three following. He’d woken with a bloody nose and no memory of what had happened, only recalling his crippled father hovering above him in fear, sobbing over what he had done and the fact Markus was missing and ‘in danger’. The way Carl spoke about both of them as if they were on equal ground was always strange to Leo, but he knew better than to assume his dad saw him as anything close to how he perceived Markus, thus never raising his hopes with the acknowledgement that he would ever measure up to a machine.

A specifically designed android, modern art with a specific goal in mind, something so precisely constructed down to its behavior and personality. Leo had no chance of fully grasping the degree of which Markus was finely tuned, as he’d only been able to see what was revealed to him. When he wasn’t thinking about the angle of the lifestyle Markus got to lead, he didn’t mind treating him as a person and often didn’t think too hard about it the more time went on. As soon as he could find a reason to use it as verbal bait or any kind of manipulation leverage overall, however, it didn’t matter what Markus had done or fought for; he was reduced to being useless plastic praised much too high in Leo’s personally opinionated mind.

-

“Why were you saying those things about me?”

Confrontation was one of the most difficult things for Leo, and now he was caught in the act, standing stiffly while his body wavered to one side with a bout of anxiety bringing him to tap his fingertips at his side, letting out a sigh, then two, and three. Shaking his head, he turned to leave; but a hand gripping his shoulder was quick to stop him as Markus stilled him with a moment of thought as the android paused to find eye contact, eyebrows narrowing with a stare of disbelief and an edge of anger in a final response to how Leo had been acting, just now as well as overall. Is this what Carl had gone through every time?

“Leo…are you talking about me differently, depending on who you’re speaking to? And how you want them to see me?”

Being called out made Leo feel guilty, and he hated guilt. It meant that not only was he wrong, but he was forced to acknowledge it. Resonating a sense of self-awareness, he was still tussling with between accepting who he was and following through as a better person, or trying to latch onto the uglier parts of himself that existed through old grudges and bad habits for the sake of ease.

There was something in the way that Markus stared at him, a certain sorrow in his eyes with the shift of his mouth into a frown – not one of anger or frustration, but of betrayal. How could Leo blame him? They’d spent this long together with Markus constantly at his side, helping him, teaching them how to handle new coping mechanisms and the lack of certainty that came with the death of a loved one, alongside the difficulties of quitting hard drugs. Sometimes Carl’s death was seemingly the only thing they had in common. Markus felt like he’d taken it much more seriously and heavily than Leo, but he’d seen from the young man’s emotional outbursts – even if they were small and far in-between, as Leo didn’t like being emotional or giving into those thoughts and feelings at all, which was what made them genuine and proved to Markus that what he thought and felt was real – he had his own sorrows haunting him over the matter. There was something in Leo that one would only recognize if they looked, squinted and dug around for, and that was the personality that was resilient, the Leo that wanted to live, to learn and to thrive, weighed down by his previous history, from family neglect to drug abuse leading up to felony charges. A badly manufactured firecracker waiting to be lit with a short fuse while it crackled up to one explosion after another, unexpected and abrupt with sparks flying everywhere. Sometimes it was a glorious display, but usually it was an awkwardly packed bundle of gunpowder in a crooked shell, bound to explode without warning and provide a show subpar to what was usually expected.

A disappointment. A dud. A weakness.

“Shut up,” Leo said in offense, as if Markus’ words were the wrong ones and he had been in the right to deflect them. Lowering his stature while the width of his shoulders tensed and squared, Markus glared at his brother with a gaze holding betrayal. Leo wasn’t exactly the type that was able to read people like books, but he figured if he put forth enough emotion, it would be harder for Leo to avoid, no matter how difficult of a time he had with body language or eye contact.

“I didn’t say anything,” Markus notified him firmly.

“You’ve been doing all the talking. I just don’t like what I’m hearing.” Surprising for Leo, Markus’ voice was soft to his ears, kind and with a slight edge that reminded him of someone that had been hurt – the usual way people responded once they realized you’d set them up for disappointment and used them to gain something for yourself, meanwhile shoving them under the bus in your favor, just as he’d been so many times before, an uncomfortable reminder that whether he liked it or not, Markus was emotive. He could feel, he could think, he could become sad or grow angry, and while Leo didn’t understand it even to the slightest degree, he emotionally crumbled faster than he could catch himself once the subject was brought to his attention. It was harder to be an asshole without the red ice blurring his vision in a berserk panic, leaving him with no choice than to consider what he’d said, and the damage it had already done.

Markus drew in a long, deep breath while he reminded himself that if he wanted to help and understand Leo, it would take patience, to a degree that was new and challenging to him. Sometimes he felt as though he’d finally cracked through the shell, gotten Leo to shine for who he truly was, following his better beliefs and feeling ambition to his core, the key component to fighting his addictions; and sometimes he felt like he’d worked so hard to chisel his way through, only for all the hard work to be shoved back into his face multiple times over. Maybe this was what made Leo so difficult to get along with, but with that thought, he knew that it was only that way because no one else tried to refuse his sly ways. Whoever Leo had known in the past let him get away with the lies, the twisted words and anger, the inflated ego, the pity parties, the coercive motions and cunning words if he wanted someone to feel bad for him. He’d seen it, and he hated it, the way Leo would take every verbal and behavioral cue as an excuse to turn it back on whoever seemingly opposed him or utilize it as a chance to attract attention to himself.

“Leo—” His voice was soft but stern as he tried to catch the other’s attention.

“Leo,” he spat back with blatant sarcasm, rolling his eyes while he mimicked the word with spite and mockery.

“Christ, now you sound like my mom, too. What, my name only worth saying when you want something? When I do something wrong?” That glare was all too familiar, dark, radiant brown eyes staring into Markus’ while he was reminded of interactions he’d long since wanted to forget. Markus acknowledged that despite his personal frustrations, if he didn’t stand up to Leo when he was in a mood like this, no one would, and he’d never learn that he couldn’t get away with acting this way.

“I don’t say your name as means to antagonize you.” For a moment, he’d forgotten that trying to explain himself was a bit too much with words too long, bounding to only frustrate Leo worse; closing his eyes, Markus lifted a hand in a ‘wait a minute’ gesture while he regathered his thoughts. Leo looked nonplussed, scowling while he glared him down through frustration as he was made to deal with this, but let Markus continue.

“I just wish you’d listen, for once. That I could trust you not to act like this as soon as I turn around.”

Was he feeling regret? Over an android’s words? Leo didn’t want to believe it, staring at the ground as he shifted his weight to the other leg again, rotating a foot and smudging the toe of his shoe into the ground, as if snubbing something out – though nothing was there, proving it to be an action carried out by the need of his internal bursting energy alone, always seeming to disrupt him in a way that made it so he couldn’t sit still or hold conversation for long. Markus couldn’t tell whether to blame it on the drugs anymore or not, or leave it to the fact Leo was simply like that as a person.

“Yeah, well, I wish all sorts of shit, but that’s just it – wishes don’t come true.” There was a cold callousness in Leo’s eyes that Markus hadn’t seen since he was on drugs, and that was when the realization clicked into place that it didn’t take an external substance for Leo to act up; it was simply something he did when he might see the response as beneficial, or simply carried it on as a habit, a weapon tucked away into its holster until he needed it.

“So I’m supposed to believe the past four months of our time together weren’t…” too many words, he knew already.

“Leo, I thought that you… I thought that we,” he restated, quick to realize his monologue would likely hit deaf ears and quickly shortening his sentence before continuing. To his surprise, Leo huffed, stopping in place while he considered the words; bringing his hands to the sides of his head, Leo clenched fingers into his hair as he began to pace, a blatant sign something was bothering him and thus hinting Markus to tread lightly.

“I thought we were doing well.” He wanted to finish his sentence with more dialogue, but it lacked malice, holding pure interest as to why Leo would turn on him this way and what he should do about it. He’d heard about it, he knew full and well how Leo changed his personality on a whim, fished for compliments and played the victim card when he needed to for whatever he wanted. Nonetheless, he’d never seen the actions in front of his own two eyes, and the striking disappointment that sunk deep into him made Markus realize so much more about Leo than he’d ever wanted to. It explained why Carl had such difficulty trying to keep in touch alone, why even after doing their best for Leo, everyone had to give up eventually and leave him to face his own battles; a bold contrast to how Leo seemed to either belittle himself or inflate his own ego depending on the moment, leaving Markus to pick apart an algorithm he’d never had to before.

“It’s not that easy,” Leo griped, an immediate excuse to avoid the conversation as he, again, tried to leave. Markus was quick to position himself in his way, tilting his head with a look on his face that made Leo feel cornered—not afraid, simply aware, leaning his head back with an upward tilt of his chin as he subconsciously tried to make himself appear bigger in favor of the interaction, even as the  shorter party.

“I never said it was.” The level of intelligence this computer held reminded Leo of his frustration in the first place, index fingers rubbing circles in the sides of his temples as he glared straight ahead and began pacing back and forth across the polished wood floor.

“You can’t keep doing this.” Markus let the name drop, lacking the need to further add a carved sharpness to the words he spoke, something else he and Leo would disagree on again and again. Every once in a while, Leo seemed to belittle his own name, reacting to it with sudden disgust as if it left a ringing in his ears or a bitter taste on his tongue. What it was like to hate one’s own moniker was entirely beyond Markus, as his was simple and held no particular emotional attachment, short and to the point. There was the generally added personal connection to surnames, and Markus had yet to brave bringing up the sound of Manfred between the two of them.

“I can do whatever I want,” Leo stated blatantly, even though both of them knew better and neither of them believed him for a second.

“Is it that easy for you to lie?” This caught Leo’s attention full-on as he froze in place, staring Markus down with an expression mixed between disbelief and the ‘duh’ he communicated with his eyes, barely short of escaping his lips.

“Is it that hard for you?” Leo parroted, glaring Markus in the eyes the same way he’d done the last time while his fingertips curled into the fabric of the android’s jacket.

“Is it that easy for you to be honest? Oh yeah, you never had to defend yourself, so of course it is! You had nothing to lie about,” he began, already feeling the aggravated heat on his face from his own frustration alone. He subconsciously stepped onto the seething hot trail of rage, knowing it would lead to somewhere ugly and regretful, but took it in stride for the moment as he felt like it was the right thing to do.

“You had nobody to lie to, so of course you wouldn’t get it. There was no need!” Despite having Leo yelling in his face another time over, Markus took a long, quiet moment to recollect, sucking in a deep breath and letting it out in one long, slow motion, before opening his eyes to catch Leo’s while he was granted the mercy of holding eye contact, no matter how short-lived the moment might have been.

“No, I didn’t lie,” he stated with clear modesty.

“There’s no reason for me to lie, withhold secrets or falsify the truth. That isn’t to say I haven’t done it before – I understand the need to when you’re in the position of danger. I will never understand doing so for the sake of self-gratitude, though.”

“You what now?” Right. Markus glanced over to one of the chairs in the main room, leading them both to sit down across one another in the seats on each side of the empty chess table, hoping that Leo would accept the invitation to settle and vent one way or another, whether the conversation was personally constructive for either of them or not. He knew when Leo acted like this it meant he had a lot of pent-up frustrations he needed to get out, and sometimes complaining alone did the trick; but this time, Markus felt like it might be a little bit different.

“Sorry,” Markus offered, thinking about how talking in shorter sentences was his own sort of habit he needed to change, but it was a simple rearrangement of thought compared to the daily major life aspects Leo had to work around and teach himself to adjust to. All he was trying to do was make communication easier between them, and if he still caught himself finding trouble with it, he couldn’t imagine how many times more difficult such a thing must be for someone trying to turn their entire life around. Leo only stared at him.

“Lying just to lie doesn’t make sense to me, neither does lying to get something I want. That’s why you do it, right?” Leo scoffed, glaring daggers in Markus’ direction.

“Yeah, sure, let’s go with that. Lying to win. It’s that easy.” Both of them paused with a heavy tension between them, aggravation building, doing no favors for the docile nature Markus intended to keep with this exchange.

“No. I never said you won, or that it was easy,” Markus corrected, and Leo bared his teeth with a snarl as he further disliked being corrected.

“I said I can’t do the same thing myself unless the situation called for it. I want to understand why you talk to your friends like I’m an object after I thought you were finally understanding how to respect me as a person.” Shifting in the seat, it took all the willpower Leo had not to get up and leave, arms straight at his sides while his hands clenched into the soft red fabric of stiff luxury cushions. Lowering his glower while he glared off to the side, he shook his head with an unsteady motion as everything in his body ushered him to keep moving.

“’Cause some people don’t get it, okay? They’re never going to. They’re not gonna wake up one day and think androids are people, no matter how hard you try,” he continued with spite, but his lowered vision and shrunken shoulders told Markus that there was sincerity in Leo’s word, an emotional defense mechanism slowly crumbling as honesty and realization swirled in Leo’s mind, constantly changing his view for the better even as he dug his hands into old mud.

“It’s just…easier to talk to ‘em the way they know, you know?” Markus glared at him, not feeling so bad when Leo adjusted uncomfortably in his seat again.

“You talked about how I could kill you. You don’t really think of me that way, do you?” Leo swallowed, making Markus grow uneasy. Was this a thought process Leo had stuck in his mind all along? An assumption he’d never heard, and thus didn’t bother trying to work around?

“No,” Leo said, but it was in a rush and he realized he should take it back immediately as it was a falsified truth.

“Maybe,” he snapped, closing his eyes while he leaned back and rubbed over the skin of his forehead, rolling it over his eyebrows and back up to his hairlinne again. Too honest. This was speaking more than he cared to, and every word dug the stress in deeper.

“I don’t know. You’ve seen what—what those things—what your friends do!” Aware there was no way to properly speak about it in a dignified matter, he’d changed his wording with a last-second moment of lament, shaking his head and combing his hands through his hair.

“I don’t know, dude, everyone’s out to get me all the time, why the hell should I think you’re any different?” Leo’s eyes stared at Markus’, but they jittered, dilated and unfocused in a way that would make Markus assume he was on drugs if he didn’t know any better. This was merely a typical stress response in Leo and would usually go as soon as it came as long as he let him ride it out the way he needed to; but that was the trickier part. Sometimes it was a good idea to let Leo get his frustrations out, and others it only made the situation and his own train of thought that much worse.

“Will you listen to me if I explain it to you?” There was a sharpness to Markus’ voice as he offered-yet-threatened to try and hold a conversation over the matter, and Leo stopping in place at least proved he was willing to consider the idea. Shrugging, Leo pulled his arms up from the seat and leaned into the back of the chair, folding his hands behind his head.

“Alright. Okay. Go for it.” Markus never liked Leo’s taunting nature, but he was willing to try and work with it if it might work out in their favor. Looking expectant, Leo raised his eyebrows with a twitch of his lip as he waited. Suddenly, Markus had a harder time finding the words he needed to say once he was put on the spot.

“First of all, I’m not them. I’m not your mother, or your father, or your old friends, or your ex-girlfriend.” Leo already looked bored and annoyed but remained quiet as he waited for Markus to continue.

“I don’t have some ultimate goal to ruin your life, and I’m not dealing with a fluctuation of instable emotions like most people around you had been. I’m not going to think differently of you from one day to the next, I just want to try to understand how you are as a whole. Killing you would sort of defeat the whole point of me trying to get to know you better, anyway,” he continued with a lighter tone to his voice, prompting Leo to face the realization of truth as he bit his lower lip and turned his head to the side, shifting uncomfortably.

“I know that truth is difficult for you, Leo. Sincerity, emotion, it’s all a foreign concept that you struggle to understand.” Cheeks darkening, Leo felt the need to get up and leave thricefold as soon as Markus pointed out the truth, leaving him to start scratching at the long sleeve of his upper arm in agitation while Markus pulled out another pin to add to the cushion of his own denial. Leading to self-discovery was another process in itself, Leo’s body shuffling so his shoulders slouched when he leaned forward, still casting his gaze off to one side in avoidance. Still, in Markus’ mind, it was another step forward.

“You don’t have to tell me. Your relationships with your friends and what they mean are your own business, and not mine. But that doesn’t mean I don’t have the right to be treated like a person, better than how you’ve been talking, with how much I’ve done for you.” Usually, Leo would take that as an antagonization, hearing Markus’ words and reflecting them in his past memories of manipulation – but Markus was sincere, another fact that had him lost while he tried to register the words for what they meant, and the emotion they fully encompassed. Markus wasn’t passive-aggressive, he wasn’t bitter or spiteful; he occasionally sunk his teeth into a bittersweet fruit but overall, Leo knew what he was telling him was honest, and there was no way he could deny or run away from the matter.

“Okay,” he said swiftly, and the disbelief made Markus curl his lips with an expression of dismay and lower his eyebrows while Leo rubbed the palms of his hands together, antsy and avoidant.

“You know what, you’re right,” he admitted – as much as he hated stating such a thing.

“I just… I know so many people, and they all think different. I can’t fit in with anyone, so I sorta, I have to change my behavior because of it.” It sounded pathetic; he knew. It fell flat on Markus’ microphones; he was all too aware. But it was the best he could give at an explanation for his actions, in a way that would make sense to him.

Markus wanted to respond immediately, but he took a moment to redecide, trying to imagine himself in Leo’s shoes; to him, it would be easy to tell the truth and hold a modest persona, but for Leo it would be the opposite. The fact this person had to adjust and change his personality so much made Markus question who the true Leo was, or rather, who he might have been if given the freedom from such a cruel world caving in around him. The longer he’d spent with him, the more he learned that Leo’s exaggerations and lies weren’t merely self-defense; they were deeply ingrained beliefs that would be harder to shake than super glue.

“You don’t have to do that.” It was the first thing Markus thought to say, pausing afterwards so as to let the words sink in.

“I know,” Leo responded in a dark, quiet tone, the words surprising both of them.

“I don’t have to. But it’s easier if I do.”

Easy. A word Markus was aware of, but never became well-acquainted with. Why would there be any worth in doing something if it was easy?

Then he remembered Leo’s situation, where nothing was easy and he had to do his best just to survive, feeling the melancholy drift over him, shrouding him within a cloud of newfound heartache. He still hadn’t adjusted to his own emotions in regard to Leo, so it was always a bit surprising when he felt something in response to their exchange, new sensations he was still regulating to while Leo likely knew the full extent of the strings he was pulling. This time, he hoped to turn the tide, even just slightly.

“Why do you think it’s easier?” It was a difficult concept, but he wanted to know the truth, and understood the thought process Leo must go through every time it came to something like this; he imagined it may have been a practiced feat, but never assumed it could come easily.

“Okay, like, if I called up a thrift shop and started talking about an old microwave like a person, they’d look at me like I’m nuts, right?” The mania strung out through his veins made him continue to shake while he offered a half-smile, half-sneer, eyes wide with disjointed lips and crooked teeth showing an expression Markus never really understood.

“I mean, I get it. The revolution shit. I was there, I saw it, I kinda caused it,” he said with an airy tone holding more snide than he’d really meant. Again, he wasn’t good with confrontation.

“But that doesn’t mean everyone listens. Some people I know aren’t gonna change their minds, and that’s just how it is,” he said, not noticing the touch of gloom to his voice. Markus did, eyes darting over to him while he tried to absorb the full length of exactly what Leo was feeling – but it was impossible, considering just how in-depth his personality was, deeper than most of the humans he’d ever known.

“If you’re speaking and you think no one is listening, then there’s a flaw in your dialogue. I mean to say, they’ll hear you if you talk loud enough.” Leo scoffed.

“I don’t care about that, dude,” he chimed in a voice all too friendly for the discussion at hand.

“They don’t need to hear me. I don’t need to hear me.”

“Then why tell them the lies that you do?”

Leo’s gaze turned serious, the brown of his eyes seeming to dim as he leered at Markus, trying to decide how to respond to his question. The fact he had no words only continued to prove he was in the wrong, and this time he had to face the fact, rather than try to bury it down in his typical act of repression.

“Nobody trusts me. I want to keep what I can, when people think I’m worth it.” He wasn’t worth it, he knew; they were just using him for what he had to offer, whether it was drugs, money or sex, adjusting his weight in his seat again with a rapid scratch at the skin of his collarbone.

“Guess that means talking shit about you too,” he said with the realization that the Leo that spun webs of lies and the Leo here now, trying to overcome such an act in an effort of rehabilitation, were very different and ultimately difficult people to split.

“If I tell them the truth about you, then I lose them as friends, too.” Markus wasn’t sure whether to be hurt over the aspect of being replaceable, or remorseful with the idea that Leo’s friends were that shortly extendable, easy to drop like flies if he so much as told the honest reality of it all.

“Do you want to keep them as friends in the first place?” Markus knew the weight of his words and how they sunk Leo down by the shift of his expression, but in his mind, it was necessary. How else would he come to terms with such an idea?

“The last I knew, you were only talking to your ex-girlfriend. Who were you on the phone with?”

In response to being questioned, Leo was quick to stand from his seat, close to backhanding Markus all over again before he reconsidered the idea, stepping away to pace through the living room.

“Who were you on the phone with?” Markus repeated, his voice holding more depth as he noticed Leo’s typical behavior of avoidance, making him all the more uncertain, and therefor wary, hoping it wasn’t what he thought. Leo avoided the question, feeling the anger bubble up beneath his skin with a readiness to kick down the kitchen chair while his hands clenched fistfuls of his own hair.

“He was–he was—" Speaking was a new sort of communication that Leo could never entirely connect to, linking his ability to easily lie alongside the need to tell the truth in favor of Markus, what he wanted, and how badly he, himself needed the connection they had. Losing it now would only hurt him worse, as much as he hated to think such a thing.

“Was?” Markus’ voice was calm, reasonably quiet. Leo shook his head, scratching his hair while he took in Markus’ question. Feeling defeated, Leo sighed, snapping the fingers of his right hand a few times in lieu of knowing what else to do with himself.

“He was my dealer,” he said in one rushed, fast breath, hoping it would be lost in the wind if they could put aside the conversation. Of course, with Markus, they couldn’t.

“So your red ice dealer doesn’t like androids? Hard to see that connection,” Markus said in a flatly sarcastic voice, but Leo still appreciated the irony, flashing a one-sided smile in response and scoffing before he let out a low, dry laugh, but not one that indicated it was humorous to him.

“Funny. You got jokes,” Leo stated with a bored tone of voice that showed he didn’t actually find it amusing. Markus reflected his expression.

“You and I both know this isn’t funny.”

“Yeah, well, I gotta laugh. What do you call it? Irony?” He shrugged, gaze shifting to the ceiling as he let out a big sigh.

“There’s no reason to. If you stop finding humor in the morbid things, you’ll realize there’s nothing to laugh at.”

“That’s not funny.” The ironic paradox in the statement struck them both, but Markus was the only one to react, letting out a quiet sigh as he leaned forward to prop his weight on his arms with his elbows against his knees, sitting down.

“Would you find it easier if you could laugh at it?” Eyebrows immediately knitting together, Leo glared at him with offense riddling his face, leaving him to feel both frustrated and righted, as there was probably some truth to what Markus had asked. He wanted to bat away the subject and stand up to leave, but Markus’ gaze was enough to reel him back to his seat in the chair even when he tried. Markus felt satisfied that Leo had retreated of his own accord.

“Easy,” Leo said back, staring with cold eyes, glassy with their glare of spite.

“Yeah. Sure. If anything about my life was fucking easy,” he bit, ready to trail down another road of anger and nothing else, virtually feeling his shoes burn from the melting lava - even if it was entirely metaphorical.

“Can you listen to what I’m saying for a moment?” That was new, the frustration in Markus’ voice that Leo had never personally heard before, attention immediately on him as he turned his head, wary as to whether it was an act of truth or not. Another part of himself – and what the drugs made him out to be – he hated was the temptation to distrust, always wanting to second-guess what he’d been told, to challenge what had been done to him. This time, he just sighed, slumping into the chair as the urge to fight left him, and for the time being, he listened to the words Markus was going to say.

“You don’t have to lie to fit in with people. You don’t have to fit in at all.” Looking confused, Leo narrowed his eyes, tilting his head with a defiant shrug of his shoulders.

“If they really mean so little to you, then why give them so much credit?” Leo was struck silent for a moment, sinking into the seat of his chair. Taking that as a victory, Markus continued.

“Do you think more of me or of them? Who matters more to you?” Markus was well aware the ultimatum wasn’t fair, but that was exactly the reason why it would make Leo think over it.

“What the hell do you mean by that?” Leo looked offended, but Markus remained deadpan.

“What do you think I mean?” Leo hated when he asked questions like that. He hated what they meant, and the way it made him think.

“I dunno. It’s not like that. I can’t just, pick and choose my friends, you know?” Markus looked confused.

“Sure you can.” The aspect made Leo feel like he’d fall from his chair, scrambling to catch his balance again with a mocking noise. Markus wanted to comment about it but said nothing.

“You know what’s better or worse for you. Good influences, and bad, whether you want to admit it or not.” His voice became lighter as he was hoping Leo absorbed his words, examining his shifting expressions while Leo did all he could not to get up and leave. Markus continued to be thankful he’d tried so hard not to, another piece of proof that he was still trying, even in moments like this.

“You know what it takes to sober up and talking lowly of me isn’t part of it.”

He was right, of course, the denial leaving Leo to do little but glower in his direction. Markus knew it was a signal of progress, opting to let him for the sake of how it would help, even if Leo didn’t acknowledge it – now or ever.

“Dude, if I leave him too, I won’t have any friends left,” he said with contempt, aware that he would be better off if he’d dropped the ‘connection,’ yet fearful of the future of another person leaving his side—even if it was for the best.

“Do you need them?” Leo stared blankly, lacking any physical or mental response this time.

“I need something,” he stated clearly, even though the words left his lips in crumbling uncertainty.

 “Company, I guess,” Leo continued with a sneer.

“Good company,” Markus corrected. Leo glanced away.

“Maybe that’s part of your problem, or why you keep going back,” Markus offered.

“Do you actually feel a connection to that person?” Leo glowered, teeth bared but lips limp in a lack of proper expression, lacking words certain enough to escape his mouth.

“No,” Leo murmured with the voice of epiphany, a tone of realization that left him in a whisper while he glanced down at his hands now trembling in front of him.

“He’s just there for the drugs. Right?” Leo closed his eyes, hating this particular aspect of discussion, as he’d had many similar interactions with therapists before. They never ended well.

“Right,” he said in a voice that wavered, a hint of dismay proving he didn’t want to believe it.

“Why did you talk to him about me killing you?” That struck him speechless, leaving Leo to roll onto his side and curl up against the seat between an instinctual nature to hide and the desire to flee. For now, while he didn’t want to be there, he laid still, waiting for more of Markus’ words while he curled himself into a corner.

Did he really have to tell the truth?

“Uhm, that’s what he thinks is gonna happen,” he muttered simply. Markus didn’t take it in so few words, swallowing down the awareness of there being so many people out there, always ready to kill himself or others like him.

“And you fed into that?” Leo’s eyes looked tired as he glanced up at him, but they were understanding enough to continue the conversation. Leo glared at him with the obvious undertone that Markus didn’t understand to the extent he needed, but the thought was quickly discarded.

“What else was I supposed to do?”

Markus paused as he acknowledged it was a good question, considering the circumstances. Say no was too simple, with expectations much too intense for someone like Leo, and he couldn’t hold such high hopes against a man like him.

“You weren’t ‘supposed’ to do anything. Just consider what it might mean for yourself, to keep in touch with people like that.” Leo’s own mind reminded him those were his only friends, but realizing Markus wouldn’t understand such a concept, he didn’t dare speak such words out loud.

“It’s bad,” Leo said with an air of realization, as if he just then understood the way it could lash back on him. Markus stared, but didn’t offer any verbal response. Before long, Leo’s hands were scraping through his hair; meanwhile Markus gave him a pointed gaze, distracting him for long enough to keep his attention where he needed it to be, yet didn’t pursue Leo despite part of his initial programming telling him to do so. For the most part, he’d learned to ignore those instructions, neglecting them in favor for what he- as well as androids around him- needed as a whole. Leo had never saved an entire species of his own, he’d mused, but never did he feel so trapped that he felt the need to otherwise. A new chance rose with a bright and vibrant opportunity, an aspect that scared Leo to the core.

“Then why do you keep doing it?” Markus’ words shook him, yet made him think long enough it left him quiet while he debated the exchange. That was the hard part; trying to explain what made it that effortless, that quick to slide off his tongue in a slip of a few seconds of coherent questions and responses, even to the police and authorities.

“Why do you keep asking me about this bullshit?” Leo was pleased to find his external reflection skills were still needle sharp, tilting his head with a twitch in his eyebrows and an accusatory stare at Markus as soon as he’d been given the chance.

“Stop telling me about shit I already know, okay? And the whole listening to me while I talk to my friends, thing – way creepy, dude.”

The weight of the ground seemed to shift beneath them as Markus didn’t exactly expect to be so blatantly dismissed. Nodding, his eyebrows furrowed in a moment of confusion as he scratched the back of his neck—an action he hadn’t generally acknowledged, picked up by someone aside from himself who he didn’t immediately remember while his mind scrambled to find an answer. Leo didn’t notice, and he was grateful.

“What? Now you’re quiet?” The way Leo’s voice cut into him was quick to force him to settle in place, staring into dark brown eyes with his own, digging his metaphorical heels into the ground while he wondered exactly how long he could stand staring into Leo’s eyes.

Looking amused, then offended with an accusatory glare in Markus’ direction, Leo laughed in his face.

“I should have known better, anyway.” Leo rambled on in a tone meant to attract attention and all the while speaking in pointed, short bursts with the anticipation to keep a sharp mindset, a way of speaking that kept Markus on his toes as he’d learned to become more in tune to Leo’s awareness than he’d originally anticipated. Leo sucked in a deep breath while he made his best attempt to hold a civil conversation, but couldn’t help the way his voice held nothing but spite.

It was all too easy for Leo to dig from an old list of egotistical remarks and demanding tones that made Markus equally more curious and yet all the more willing to leave the entire thing behind as soon as Leo opened his mouth.

“All you motherfuckers do—”

Markus turned to stare at him without so much as a three-second movement, barely casting a glance while he did a quick analysis of the human. He was a bit too quick to strike, lost in a moment of what might have been emotionally-driven thought as he shoved Leo to the ground, but even in millisecond motions he wasn’t sure there was anything backing up exactly what he’d done.

“You think that everything is entitled to you, but you don’t deserve half of what the world has offered you,” he hissed through his teeth, a particular accusatory gaze pointing at Leo with his hands already wrapped into the front of an unzipped jacket.

“Haha! Look at you!” Leo’s congratulation was thick with sarcasm, followed by one of his infamous chuckles—the ones that sounded so unrealistic, it was strange to hear from a living, breathing being. That laugh was a signal that the cognitive portion of Leo was lost in the confines of whatever delusions had their grasp on his prefrontal cortex for the time being. There was no negotiating with someone who wasn’t coherently there in the first place.

“Not so perfect now, are you?”

“Leo,” Markus stated sternly with just enough gumption to keep his attention,

“Stop this.”

“Don’t call me by my name,” he demanded, the sour scour never leaving his face. Markus considered it an odd request, but stored away the ‘command’ for later.

“You’re not my fucking parents. I get it, the way you really tried to fit in and become a big part of everything, but don’t you realize how stupid it is? I mean, that’s the joke, you know—the first android Kamski made was a blue-eyed, blond-haired babe!” There was an unusual amount of enthusiasm to his voice as he pointed out the fact, laughing to himself at the idea of Markus being comparable to nothing short of a bikini model.

Markus saw black, and in a moment, there was nothing. The last time they fought, Leo was unconscious on the ground and Markus wondered if he was dead – and hearing otherwise almost made him wish he’d finished the job.

The next thing they knew, Leo was beneath him, turned onto his stomach with his arms behind him while he shouted in discomfort, struggling for a few minutes before he turned his head to glare up at Markus the best he could from his position.

“Alright, if you’re into this, you need to tell me now, because it’s really kinda weirding me out—” Markus’ eyes narrowed as he graced Leo a gaze of distrust, but remained silent, lifting himself up and letting him go in one quick motion. Blinking, Leo brought his arms forward to push his body off the ground so he could stand, then brushed the dirt off his hands and clothes, but wasted no time scowling directly at Markus.

In a moment of silence, it seemed like neither of them had anything to say. Markus had plenty of words to use in favor of convincing Leo he was in the right, but even if Leo was willing to pay attention, he didn’t currently have the desire to teach. Not to someone that refused to listen. Not him.

Markus knew his words were meant to try and pull a response from him, so he was silent in his refusal. In a swift line straight towards him, Leo was quick to close in, never looking away with his eyes glaring into the android’s as soon as he’d set foot in his direction—a behavior that only seemed to happen when he thought he was the one in power, another expression showing an emotion he would never understand.

“Why do you want to hurt me?” It was an honest question, even if Markus didn’t expect an honest response.

“I don’t. I wanna see that you won’t hurt me.” There was a twist of uncertainty that welled inside him as he prepared a few backup commands for the worst of situations—just in case.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Markus said softly with a lift of his eyebrows, and in that moment, something occurred to him; in a haze of his own distracted thoughts, he hadn’t checked to ensure Leo took his medication earlier in the day. Could a few hours make this much of a difference?

“You say I don’t think a lot. I thought that was your whole thing, raising hell about thinking and feeling? Tell me about how you feel, Markus.” Leo spat each word with such vigor Markus felt the flecks of saliva speckle his face. As much as he wanted to resist, he knew if he fought back, the only way this could go was downhill, letting his body grow limp in surrender. Besides – he’d made the first move, after all.

“Tell me if you feel this,” Leo threatened in a tone that gradually lowered before slamming a fist across Markus’ face. Once, twice, then again. Pausing for a moment to recalibrate, Markus felt his weight shift as he found himself weakened a fair amount from the blows. Momentarily silent, he told himself how history had a tendency to repeat, wondering for a moment just what was going through Leo’s mind in the time they’d shared face-to-face, now close enough he could feel the erratic breaths cast down his neck. A swift scan notified him Leo’s conditions being none too healthy, moving his head out of the way as Leo swung another punch and rolling away to sit up beside him. Confused, Leo glared him down with suspicion; Markus shrugged in response.

“Come here,” he beckoned with a voice of concern. Baffled, Leo took the opportunity to stand upright again, tilting his head and raising his eyebrows in a gesture that asked the question so obviously blaring in his mind. Markus was grateful he didn’t feel the need to use his nasty vocabulary to speak, for once. In a few moments, Markus gathered the words to say, reassuring himself they were in a fashion Leo would listen to and understand, even if it sounded unlikely.

“You—you think I’m just gonna, walk over there, right up to you? Is that what you want?” While he paused to catch his breath, Markus took a moment to feel nigh on impressed by how well Leo could taunt while in the face of direct danger. A surprise he’s not dead yet, he thought to himself, before discarding the notion in abrupt discomfort.

“Listen to yourself. You’re not making any sense.” Surprisingly enough, the words seemed to get through to him, leaving Leo to take a moment to kneel on the ground, holding himself up on his uninjured knee and both of his arms. For a moment, he thought back to the days when he’d been more fit, running track with visits to the gym at least twice a week. In that moment of feeling useless all over again, he took a few deep, heavy breaths before heaving himself back to his feet – and turning around, leaving the room before Markus could get another word in.

[stagjmes]

❛  if there’s one thing the gods love, it’s tragedy. with wings that burn and boys that fall. ❜

—wait a second, is that HIM, the PUREBLOOD sorted into GRYFFINDOR house? their name is JAMES POTTER but they share a startling likeness with AUBREY JOSEPH. in their SEVENTH YEAR, they’re known as the SHEPHERD, probably because they are CHARMING but DEPENDENT. i wonder what side they’ll end up on at the end.

james henry potter ( named for two his two grandfathers, maternal and paternal respectively ) was born on april 4th, 1960 to two of the most loving parents a child could have.

fleamont and euphemia had been trying for a child for years. they’d been together for basically all of time, having been that typical good-looking, well liked couple in hogwarts that everyone always just assumes will get married ( spoiler alert: they did ), however had had to postpone kids due to fleamont’s brief stint as a professional quidditch player for eight years following their graduation. after that, they would try every month for a child, and after many years of disappointment, eventually gave up. it was during this time that fleamont developed the sleekeazy hair potion which only added to their immense wealth. 

finally at age forty-one, they were surprised with the arrival of james. obviously, they saw him as their miracle child, and as such he was pampered and completely spoiled from the moment he was born.

i cannot stress enough how much this spoiled upbringing shaped james into the person he is today. if you’re wondering why he was ever an arrogant prick, it’s because he was always used to getting absolutely everything he ever wanted. he grew up with money, he grew up with fame and with every bit of attention he could garner, and so it was really no wonder he was a bit of an asshole by the time he started at hogwarts.

obviously, james had a pretty cushy childhood, and as such, shit didn’t start getting real until he started at hogwarts.

it took all of three seconds for the hat to sort him into gryffindor, and i guess you could say he pretty much considered himself to be the gem of the house. he was the absolute epitome of a gryffindor, basically considered him the poster boy and all but expected everyone to love him.

really did not help his ego that everyone did

in typical sterotype-gryffindor fashion, james hated slytherin. he had always been taught growing up that purists were basically the root of all evil, and his father had had no qualms in lumping all these people in with the house of the snakes. james and his friends took a particular disliking to severus snape almost immediately for the poncy way in which he seemed to believe he was superior to all for his intelligence and his house status, and this dislike only grew when lily evans was tossed into the mix, too.

for basically the first four or five years of hogwarts, james really was that stereotypical arrogant asshole that he’s often made out to be. he always got everything he asked for, he was incredibly popular and incredibly intelligent, he had the most amazing friends and his eyes on the most amazing girl. he was set!! shit was good!!

shit was not good, though. definitely was not. 

despite having known of remus’ furry little problem since second year, things didn’t really start to settle in james how awful it was until third or fourth year. he hated seeing his friend in pain, he hated that he couldn’t help, and so he rallied the boys to put into action their worst plan yet!!!!

becoming animagi!!!!

it took fucking forever, obviously, but by the end of fourth year they did it!! we stan icons

except then in fifth year shit hit the fan again in just, like… so many ways

first, it was the whole severus ‘mudblood’ situation. honestly, james was absolutely furious. he’d always hated snape but this just made everything 1000 times worse. even if it had happened to anyone else, he would have been fuming. but for it to have happened to lily like… yikes.

this was also a horrible time for james though because lily rejected him for the thousandth time. like, look, what a yikes thing to think when she was just called a mudblood, but frankly he was sick of being rejected and he was sick of being the asshole who kept pressuring her so that was the breaking point — he gave up on her. 

and tbh, he changed a lot from here on out. grew up!! became a better person bc he saw how horrible snap was and decided he was sick of horrible people!! saw, recognised and acknowledged that just bc he was hot and intelligent and rich he wasn’t always going to get everything he wanted ( see: miss evans ) and just generally learned that oh shit the world doesn’t revolve around him!!!

oh and then there was that whole thing with sirius and snape and Remus the Werewolf and ohhhh boyyyy…. that infuriated him.

he loves his bros so much and y’all know he would die for them, but to see his friend abuse remus’ pain and suffering for his own gain was heart wrenching. it just pushed him further to pull him in line, to realise that not everything was about games, or petty rivalry, or ‘ getting the girl ’ — life  heartache and mistakes and it was never going to go the way he wanted it to.

now look, this isn’t all to say that james is now a Super Strict, Super Intense, Brooding Weirdo. he’s still a bit of a child, and he’s still a bit of an arrogant prick, but ultimately what wins out is his morals — every time. he wants to lead the world to a better place, without war and without hate, he wants everyone to have the same opportunities he had as a kid and he wants nothing more than for blood purity to be eradicated.

get that shit outta my house!!! gross!!!!!!

now in his final year, james is always flipping between taking his role as head boy deadly serious and turning it into one big game of mischief. he’s still a marauder at heart, after all, and has definitely abused his power sometimes for the benefit of fun and games, but when it comes down to it, he can be very strict and lowkey paternal. the leader really just…. popped right outta him, it came to play and it came hard, and really you’d think he’s minister for magic with how serious he treats it sometimes.

I hate him

he’s a lot less intense with his hatred for slytherin’s. he has come to recognise that not everyone from that lifestyle is going to be the same, not everyone who grew up a certain way or was sorted into a certain house is going to think with a deadly mind, and while he’s still a bit wary, he’s a lot more relaxed about it, especially as head boy ( gotta at least pretend shit’s fair !!! )

ok i’m so tired this is abt to turn into a rambling mess

uHhhHHh he’s very dependent as in like… boi cannot go a week without his friends. he is used to having people to bounce off, that’s always the type of leader he has been, and as much as he would probably be amazing at anything on his own, he’s never really tried. too scared!! i hate him!!!!!

super unforgiving. like, if you have gotten on his bad side…. i’m sorry. it is going to be very difficult to return from there. his moral compass is pretty black and white, you’re either good or your bad, and if you’ve done something he considers bad wELL sucks to be you, i guess. sorry not sorry.

takes his quidditch very seriously tbh. so many people have told him he needs to be a pro like his dad, but he’s like haha fuck you i know what i wanna do ( hint hint: he wants to rule that goddamn auror office, make that shit far more efficient then he thinks it is now ). but srsly, he’s so intense abt the game and it really like… idk gets him in the zone, keeps him level-headed in amongst all this chaos.

i don’t know what im saying anymore pls send help

uhhhhh he’s smart. i guess. straight a’s and shit idk. just very naturally intelligent, finds everything he does easy, like.. really is that asshole who is just good at everything he does.

i’ve run out of things to say, pls just love him

[casuallycomatosedghost-blog]

‘Pinned to the wall, she glared up at him with confusion and fury in her eyes, while his were filled with anger and annoyance. The two had a short stare off before she demanded to know why he was acting like such a jerk, and why he would constantly lead her on to believe he was a genuinely nice guy and liked her, only to spit on those assumptions and go back to being the asshole he was known for being. He simply scoffed, stating that if she thought he was such a jerk and couldn’t stand his bipolar nature, then why she would always hang around him. Why would she bother to talk to and try to make nice with someone she seemed to ‘hate’ as much as he ‘hated’ her? She was taken aback by such a question, feeling her cheeks flush a tad at that.  “I-I was just being nice to you, hoping maybe we could be friends or something... but you’re always doing this to me, always pushing me away right when I start to feel closer to you...” He caught that tremor in her words, flushing pink in the cheeks as well when he saw just how nervous she was in that moment... That’s when he realized the position they were currently in. Left arm beside her to keep her trapped against the wall, right arm held high, his hand pinning her wrists together above her head so she couldn’t punch him. One of his legs was mere centimeters away from being right in between hers, and their bodies were flushed together. If anyone saw them in such a state, without knowing of their “hate” towards each other, they probably would’ve thought that they were a couple or something... She must have had the same realization as he did, as her cheeks turned a deeper shade of pink. “Although... today must be a full moon or something since I’m very close to you right now and you’re not pushing me away this time...” she muttered, eyes still locked with his in an intense gaze full of emotions the pair could not understand. He gulped slightly, not realizing that he was starting to lean in closer towards her face, his forehead grazing hers through her bangs.  “Maybe this time... I don’t want to push you away... Maybe this time... I want you to be closer to me..” he mumbled, his mind going blank as his heart began to race... was she always this... this beautiful? He couldn’t even remember at that moment in time all those previous times the two would bicker and fight like children... All he could think about was how gorgeous she was, and how badly he wanted to... to...  “Are you sure about that? How do I know you’re not just toying with me again? How do I know that this isn’t you just messing with my.. w-with my emotions?” she paused, her eyes darting to his lips for a split second, before going back to meet his gaze. “If you’re being sincere right now... prove it to me... Prove it to me that you’re not going to push me away... Because for once, I want to know how you really feel about me..” she finished, leaning a tad bit closer to him, her body relaxing and her heart beating like a drum. Yes, she always found him attractive... but for some odd reason, at that moment he was glowing. It felt like a moment in a fairytale or some cheesy romance novel or movie... Except, was he going to do it? Was if he backed off? What if he doesn’t like her? What if... what if- Her mind went blank, her breathing halted, and her heart nearly jumped out of her chest. She could only do nothing when she first felt the warm sensation of his lips on hers. Once it processed in her mind what was happening, she let herself go and through all reasoning out the window, and kissed him back with equal passion. Her face felt like fire, his felt like pure lava, the two have never kissed anyone before and only knew how it was supposed to feel through stories... but they never imagined that it would feel this amazing... He loosened his grip on her wrists so he could wrap both of his arms around her waist, to which she responded by quickly wrapping her arms around his neck. Her body shivered and she felt weak at the knees, she could only whimper against his lips as he gripped onto the back of his uniform for support and reassurance that this was real. That this was truly happening. He must have sensed her worry, as he too felt that same anxiousness and desperation to confirm that what was happening was indeed a reality, so he pulled her closer to him and kissed her deeper. The next few seconds felt like hours in a dream, like all time had stopped and allowed them to indulge in their strange feelings for one another... the feelings that the pair had yet to confirm to themselves was real and not some spur of the moment sexual tension... But what of the aftermath? What will happen to the pair once their moment of passionate bliss ends? Well, that is for them to decide... but for now, the two deserve to allow their feelings to show, even for a short moment... and maybe, just maybe, this will be the start of a beautiful romance? 

This was a Valentines Day 'comic’ I made as a gift for a dear friend of mine back in 2017, back when we were still friends. This was supposed to be herself/self oc paired up with Karamatsu from Osomatsu San (our favorite anime at the time), and it was based on Aphmau Pheonix Drop High and a high school AU! we created for the roleplays we did with Karamatsu. 

Sadly, due to a lot of really bad circumstances, we had a bad falling out and our friendship came to an end on the night of October 31st 2017.... though it has been over a year now, the wounds haven’t fully healed... there were a lot of things that happened to us that have left scars on both of us. We didn’t treat each other like people, but rather objects and toys... something that ultimately led to the downfall of our almost three year long friendship... Alongside that, there was a lot of lying, heartache, fighting, threats, manipulation, insults and suicide attempts on both ends... Even after everything ended, the pain was still there for us both.... Even now, the scars have taken their toll on me... I rarely leave my home, I quit my job and got a smalltime job as a nanny for my moms coworker and friend just so I wouldn’t have to be around other people, and I don’t have any friends... And I’ve developed a strong fear of social interaction to where I’ll break down crying if I talk to people, even if they’re my own family... Because of this, I cling to my boyfriend and little brother both for safety and protection, like I’m some scared little kid at some strangers house party... And I don’t even have to ask her or check her social medias to know that my old friend has gone through her own fair share of heartaches and struggles and breakdowns due to the mental and emotional scarring our toxic friendship has left on her... I can only imagine how she is holding up now...

But because it’s a new year, I want all of that to change... I’m sick of being afraid all the time, I’m sick of my nature to cling onto the past and only the bad memories from the past... I want to remember all the good times she and I have shared together as best friends, and cherish them for what they are. I no longer want to be scared to meet new people or hurt anyone I care for anymore, and I no longer want to loom in the mirror each day and see a monster unworthy of love. I want to change for the better so that I can become a bigger better me, and stop feeling sorry for myself all the time like I have been my whole life.

So I want to start off the New Year fresh, by finally admitting to the world and to my friend if she’s reading this, that yes, I was an abusive friend and girlfriend. I was a bad friend and have said and done a LOT of bad things. I’ve used and abused and manipulated, and while I never meant to half the time, it doesn’t change the fact that I did it and never truly owned up to it, nor followed through with my apologies and promises to change... But I want all of you to know that I am truly and deeply sorry for all that I’m done... I genuinely am sorry for every bad thing I have ever said and done to hurt you... I know that actions speak louder than words, you always used to tell me that... Well starting now I’m following through with that...

I want us to finally move on from these sad and bitter emotions that came to be when our friendship started to go downhill.. I want us to be able to wish each other the best with our lives and see each other grow into amazing people and find happiness in our lives. 

Even as I write this, I remember all those dreams, goals and aspirations you would tell me about, and how you wanted to achieve each and every one of them... to be the first in your family to graduate college, to become a famous voice actress, to become a successful person, to find a partner in life who will love you just as if not more than you love them, and to have children of your very own and build up your own family and give them the life that they deserve. I truly believe you can do it if you believe hard enough and work hard enough to get there, I have never stopped cheering you on in your goals to become a happy and successful person..

... I may not be ready to pick up where we left off in our friendship, as I’m sure we both still have a lot of business (emotional and such) that needs to be properly dealt with before we can take that step in our lives again... Frankly, I don’t want to pick up where we left off... but rather, I want us to be able to start over and decided to become friends based on the people we’ve grown into rather than the people we were in the past.  And even if we never do become friends again, I want you to know that regardless I’m still gonna cheer you on in life and support you from the sidelines as you reach for the stars in achieving your goals. 

I think that’s about it.... I want to be able to change myself for the better, into a better and much more pleasant person, so that I can someday rekindle the friendships I lost because of who I was in the past... And then maybe, just maybe, I can finally learn to love myself again. 

Thank you if you took the time to read all this, and to my old friend, if you are reading this, I wish you a happy New Year and happy fulfilling life too~ And I hope you liked the little short fic I made based on that comic I made for you... thought it’d be a nice little New Years gift for you alongside this post... Also, congratulations on meeting DAGames! just felt like I needed to add that in there too.. sorry if that sounded really dumb and out of place in this post... and creepy considering I had to check your twitter to find that out... Anyways I hope you have a good night, a great New Year and an even better life onwards~

[ofprcngs]

BRANDON ARREAGA — Well, if it isn’t JAMES POTTER, the GRYFFINDOR superstar. For those of you who don’t know HIM, you can spot them sitting with the other SEVENTH years. Most people think that they’re CHARMING and INCISIVE, but they can also seem pretty DEPENDENT and INEXORABLE. Sometimes people call them the SHEPHERD. Sure, they’re a PUREBLOOD, but that doesn’t define them. 

i literally have 0 explanation for why i did this other than i’m in love with him. but also, he’s a mess, so jot that down. if you wanna know more about him ( protip: don’t ) then i recommend checking out his pinterest and then i dunno.... contemplate why i’m a punk ass bitch, i guess. enjoy this mess. plot with me. ily.

james henry potter ( named for two his two grandfathers, maternal and paternal respectively ) was born on april 4th, 1960 to two of the most loving parents a child could have.

fleamont and euphemia had been trying for a child for years. they’d been together for basically all of time, having been that typical good-looking, well liked couple in hogwarts that everyone always just assumes will get married ( spoiler alert: they did ), however had had to postpone kids due to fleamont’s brief stint as a professional quidditch player for eight years following their graduation. after that, they would try every month for a child, and after many years of disappointment, eventually gave up. it was during this time that fleamont developed the sleekeazy hair potion which only added to their immense wealth. 

finally at age forty-one, they were surprised with the arrival of james. obviously, they saw him as their miracle child, and as such he was pampered and completely spoiled from the moment he was born.

i cannot stress enough how much this spoiled upbringing shaped james into the person he is today. if you’re wondering why he was ever an arrogant prick, it’s because he was always used to getting absolutely everything he ever wanted. he grew up with money, he grew up with fame and with every bit of attention he could garner, and so it was really no wonder he was a bit of an asshole by the time he started at hogwarts.

obviously, james had a pretty cushy childhood, and as such, shit didn’t start getting real until he started at hogwarts. 

it took all of three seconds for the hat to sort him into gryffindor, and i guess you could say he pretty much considered himself to be the gem of the house. he was the absolute epitome of a gryffindor, basically considered him the poster boy and all but expected everyone to love him.

really did not help his ego to know that everyone did.

in typical sterotype-gryffindor fashion, james hated slytherin. he had always been taught growing up that purists were basically the root of all evil, and his father had had no qualms in lumping all these people in with the house of the snakes. james and his friends took a particular disliking to severus snape almost immediately for the poncy way in which he seemed to believe he was superior to all for his intelligence and his house status, and this dislike only grew when lily evans was tossed into the mix, too.

for basically the first four or five years of hogwarts, james really was that stereotypical arrogant asshole that he’s often made out to be. he always got everything he asked for, he was incredibly popular and incredibly intelligent, he had the most amazing friends and his eyes on the most amazing girl. he was set!! shit was good!!

shit was not good, though. definitely was not. 

despite having known of remus’ furry little problem since second year, things didn’t really start to settle in james how awful it was until third or fourth year. he hated seeing his friend in pain, he hated that he couldn’t help, and so he rallied the boys to put into action their worst plan yet!!!!

becoming animagi!!!!!!

it took fucking forever, obviously, but by the end of fourth year they did it!! we stan icons

except then in fifth year shit hit the fan again in just, like... so many ways

first, it was the whole severus ‘mudblood’ situation. honestly, james was absolutely furious. he’d always hated snape but this just made everything 1000 times worse. even if it had happened to anyone else, he would have been fuming. but for it to have happened to lily like... yikes. 

this was also a horrible time for james though because lily rejected him for the thousandth time. like, look, what a yikes thing to think when she was just called a mudblood, but frankly he was sick of being rejected and he was sick of being the asshole who kept pressuring her so that was the breaking point --- he gave up on her. 

and tbh, he changed a lot from here on out. grew up!! became a better person bc he saw how horrible snap was and decided he was sick of horrible people!! saw, recognised and acknowledged that just bc he was hot and intelligent and rich he wasn’t always going to get everything he wanted ( see: miss evans ) and just generally learned that oh shit the world doesn’t revolve around him!!!

oh and then there was that whole thing with sirius and snape and Remus the Werewolf and ohhhh boyyyy.... that infuriated him. 

he loves his bros so much and y’all know he would die for them, but to see his friend abuse remus’ pain and suffering for his own gain was heart wrenching. it just pushed him further to pull him in line, to realise that not everything was about games, or petty rivalry, or ‘ getting the girl ’ --- life  heartache and mistakes and it was never going to go the way he wanted it to.

now look, this isn’t all to say that james is now a Super Strict, Super Intense, Brooding Weirdo. he’s still a bit of a child, and he’s still a bit of an arrogant prick, but ultimately what wins out is his morals --- every time. he wants to lead the world to a better place, without war and without hate, he wants everyone to have the same opportunities he had as a kid and he wants nothing more than for blood purity to be eradicated.

get that shit outta my house!!! gross!!!!!!

now in his final year, james is always flipping between taking his role as head boy deadly serious and turning it into one big game of mischief. he’s still a marauder at heart, after all, and has definitely abused his power sometimes for the benefit of fun and games, but when it comes down to it, he can be very strict and lowkey paternal. the leader really just.... popped right outta him, it came to play and it came hard, and really you’d think he’s minister for magic with how serious he treats it sometimes.

i hate him.

he’s a lot less intense with his hatred for slytherin’s. he has come to recognise that not everyone from that lifestyle is going to be the same, not everyone who grew up a certain way or was sorted into a certain house is going to think with a deadly mind, and while he’s still a bit wary, he’s a lot more relaxed about it, especially as head boy ( gotta at least pretend shit’s fair !!! )

ok i’m so tired this is abt to turn into a rambling mess 

uHhhHHh he’s very dependent as in like... boi cannot go a week without his friends. he is used to having people to bounce off, that’s always the type of leader he has been, and as much as he would probably be amazing at anything on his own, he’s never really tried. too scared!! i hate him!!!!!

super unforgiving. like, if you have gotten on his bad side.... i’m sorry. it is going to be very difficult to return from there. his moral compass is pretty black and white, you’re either good or your bad, and if you’ve done something he considers bad wELL sucks to be you, i guess. sorry not sorry.

takes his quidditch very seriously tbh. so many people have told him he needs to be a pro like his dad, but he’s like haha fuck you i know what i wanna do ( hint hint: he wants to rule that goddamn auror office, make that shit far more efficient then he thinks it is now ). but srsly, he’s so intense abt the game and it really like... idk gets him in the zone, keeps him level-headed in amongst all this chaos. 

i don’t know what im saying anymore pls send help

uhhhhh he’s smart. i guess. straight a’s and shit idk. just very naturally intelligent, finds everything he does easy, like.. really is that asshole who is just good at everything he does.

i’ve run out of things to say, pls just love him

WANTED CONNECTIONS

girlfriend: i hate to expose myself as a whole ass jily stan but... here i am i guess. but also, listen: he really thinks he’s over her right now. like, he truly believes his days of pestering lily evans are behind him. it was just a crush! it’s gone! ( spoiler alert: it’s not ) BUT he is so convinced that he has got himself into this relationship which is really just... a mess. like highkey it’s obvious he could never fully love her bc his Heart Belongs to Lily or whatever but he does care for her deeply and has tricked himself into believing it’s love. it’s hard, man. he’s confused. send help.

ex-girlfriend(s): more of above but like... less intense? or more intense! who knows, frankly.

childhood friend(s): i’d die for childhood friends. jake/gina dynamic? iconic. just anything, really.

odd friend: ok like... as i mentioned, he’s still kinda wary of slytherins and ppl who grew up in purist culture, but i would love love love to see someone who was one of the first to show him that not all those people are so bad. like someone from a purist family or the like who was just chill and friendly and actually befriended this asshole even when he was... well, an asshole. it’d be fun, ig. also if they eventually do end up recruited for the de’s bc of family stuff or whatever... bonus points.

rivals: i’m tired. you understand.