#which probably stems from the fact that i have chronic pain and have had enough scares in my life to KNOW i'm not guaranteed old age

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

I really really liked Under the Whispering Door by T.J. Klune a lot

i laughed really hard at parts and cried a lot at other parts and altogether really enjoyed the exploration of grief and starting anew and what life means while you still have it and everything the book explored

i just really really loved reading it. i started reading it yesterday afternoon and finished it today, this evening, because i just wanted to read more. i loved all the characters so much. i loved the story. would 100% recommend

[transsexualhamlet]

asmr i psychoanalyze my favorite war criminal, aka calling out norman the essay

basically all of my thoughts on norman on one callout post because i care him (both manga and anime are discussed)

LINK TO RAY PSYCHOANALYSIS:  https://chaoticgaymess.tumblr.com/post/646749875570196480/ray-81194-the-long-explanation 

this is going to be ungodly long so here’s a keep reading, essay below the cut

((tw for suicidal ideation and self harm, brief discussion of eating disorders))

Disclaimer: no shipping is included here this is just about norman also they’re kids who call each other siblings

Thoughts: So you may be thinking, Rowan, why do you yell about the colorless war criminal so often? Well the answer lies in your honor the court hates to see a girlboss winning. Norman is a girlboss :) Yes norman is a tiny twink who can't lift a milk jug. And he is a girlboss :) Obviously I don't condone, um, eugenics and all, but that's not the point the point is that he satisfies my need for more characters like Levi motherfucking Calder from Unwind because I’m apparently an edgy 13 year old. Also all of his problems are violently things I can fix and I keep him around as a pet project because someone needs to give him a hug and slap him on the face

I diagnose him with things: 

-pisces man :pensive:

-is he albino? Not literally. Is his skin so pale he would catch fire if he went outside at noon? Yes.

-autism: Yes I’m aware that calling him autistic makes him, problematic rep by perpetuating the autism unfeeling savant stereotype whatever but have you considered i’m autistic and I’m projecting also he’s L with standards? Anyway traits of AuTism he has: hyper   fixation, canonically breaks and fixes things over and over because like ofc he does, doesn’t understand Emotion, hyperaware of body language at the same time as it all somehow flying over his head, low empathy, sensory experiences™, min maxed in certain areas, and I don’t think he’s got social interaction quite right? There’s something off about it

-gifted kid (derogatory) This is self explanatory but basically him being the smartest and the best in a competitive environment caused most of his issues, such as the perfectionism, the need to succeed, the lack of self esteem and ridiculously high expectations on himself, giving himself no breaks or time to relax, the “i must be productive with every second of my day or i will die” deal, the “peaked at 11” thing, the way in which he goes through life like there’s going to be a fucking test on it

-Eldest Daughter™ lmao. Norman’s always had to be mature, he’s always had to be the best, he’s always had to do the things Ray got out of bc he’s a snitch and Emma got out of because Isabella likes her. Norman gets respect from Isabella only if he excels, and her bar for him is astronomical. He doesn’t have the Mommy Issues that Ray has, but it’s because for him Isabella basically just reflected his expectations on himself, whereas with Ray it was more personal.

-low empathy (part of the autism thing): this one needs more explanation, but it’s not a bad thing in and of itself. Cognitive empathy is a thing and he can use it, but he does not instinctively understand other people’s emotions, or even recognize them properly, especially when the person is not like himself. This is obvious in Emma. Man has no fucking clue what’s going on in her head or why she does what she does, but he can predict what she will do in any given situation very well. He could understand the suicide attempt from ray he predicted more because Ray’s an easier equation to solve, and someone who’s more similar to him. I know he gets it because, well, motherfucker’s just as self desctructive as him, just in a more dignified manner.

-he’s got some sort of chronic illness. This is also me projecting and a headcanon but he’s got something going on, even before lambda pumped him full of growth hormones or whatever which they maybe should have Not Done but oh well. (I assume this just didn’t happen in the anime, since he’s still so fucking short) But he's So weak. He passed out when it was too hot. He passed out when it was too cold. He can’t open a pickle jar. His skin is too pale and he’s skinny af. He’s much more prone to sickness and probably has asthma too? But in the case that he did actually have something going on, I don’t think grace field would see the need to treat it, if it didn’t impact the quality of his meat? Isabella’s probably just “you have chronic pain and you get migraines? Great, take some tylenol and do some calculus.” Can’t say that probably helped anything.

personality type: ISTJ

Basically, he’s the most boring personality type to exist, and personally as an enfp i do not respect him. But basically this means he’s a fucking nerd that gets his projects done for school the day they’re assigned, is probably the president of the Anime Student Council™, and could probably get away with premeditated murder (ok actual istjs this is a joke don’t skin me)

The only trait that norman doesn’t have on the istj thing is telling the truth. Yeah, he values the truth, but like, that doesn’t apply to him, clearly. Bitch is a notorious liar.

The only other personality type he has any similarity with is intj, which is the same except it’s more rare and a purple theme instead of a blue theme. Sadly, that’s not him though, because although he can care more about some kinds of philosophy overall this isn’t the case and ray already occupies this personality type tbh. 

strengths and weaknesses: This one’s kind of obvious, but he is aside from the crazy insane intelligence good at planning. Extremely good at planning. He can predict any outcome and figure out how to prevent it, using all his resources. For example he’s physically weak and someone could literally just walk up and stab him, but it doesn’t impede his progress on his goals because he’s surrounded himself with strong, mentally inferior people who would die for him in a heartbeat. He never gets stuck in some “everything is shit and i can’t do anything” deal like Emma and Ray do, he always works through it and has confidence in his abilities (in as much as he will solve the problem or die™. Weaknesses other than his twink body include his Low Wisdom score. It’s funny how he’s often associated with an owl, the mans is 14. He thinks he knows what he’s doing. He doesn’t. Plus obviously his fundamental misunderstanding of so much of everything going on around him, the fact that he lies not just to the world but himself, his refusal to take care of himself and his incredible cowardice. His achilles heel is being forced to, actually confront his actions.

what he likes about himself: He does pride himself on his mental abilities, and his judgement, which in his opinion is the only correct opinion and the only correct way. In the past, he likes being seen as a leader, he likes being responsible for other people. He likes his ability to manipulate and lie, because he sees it as an asset, and I honestly think he enjoys being william minerva more than he enjoys being Norman. He prides himself on his unhealthy expectations and the fact that he is able to meet them. Honestly, he does think he’s better than everyone else, mentally, though it’s humbled by his self hatred. Cursed thought: If Norman had self esteem he would be light yagami. 

what he doesn’t like about himself/insecurities: Oh god, nearly everything. His appearance, his status, his superiority, his physical inability, his own mess of a mind, also have I mentioned his appearance. He’s obsessed with self control. He wants everything he sees wrong with himself gone. And I understand why having control of everything is necessary and appealing, everything for him has always been rigid and planned out from moment one, he was even more regulated in lambda, and though he desperately wants to Not Be Food, he has no idea what to do with the chains now that he’s broken out of them. So he just wraps them around himself. Regulates to an unhealthy degree when he sleeps, what he eats, when he actually takes even minimal care of his own problems, what he looks like, how much of himself he lets show, the expressions on his face, the literal thoughts inside his own head he will shut down if they are not Correct. It’s literal self harm. Norman, please stop it.

motivations/goals in life/general philosophy: To be honest, I’m not sure he knows what he wants. He sure thinks he does, he could sure give you a memorized answer, but it means nothing. He wants to excel. He wants Emma to be happy. He wants to be perfect and for that to make everything perfect. But he doesn’t realize everything he’s working towards will do pretty much the opposite of that. He’s a crippling perfectionist, and pretty much everything he does is motivated by his fear of failing. He picks the certain path, he doesn’t wait for anyone else, he doesn’t care if it’s not nice. Emma foils that a most of the time because he cares about her, but it can only go so far, especially after he’s had so much time without her to develop a Complex. His philosophy is very contradictory, basically the tokyo ghoul “everything bad that happens to you stems from a lack of ability”. All of his problems are his fault. All the world’s problems are his to fix. If he can’t fix them, it’s his fault, it’s because he wasn’t strong enough, and not being perfect condemns someone forever, including himself.

how he’s perceived by others vs how he actually is: In most people there wouldn’t truly be much of a difference, but with Norman things are different, because, well, most of his personality in grace field is a put on, as well as the tough guy dictator thing he radiates after lambda. How he appears to someone is determined by the context of their meeting- the kids at grace field see him as a nerdy, weakish, pretty boring kid who is really caring and kind. The researchers at lambda see an obedient, beaten down and perfectionistic boy. The lambda kids see him as an infallible leader, ruthless and genius, a good man who knows what’s right. But in truth none of that is him. It’s a fucking chess game to him, putting on different faces, lying and pretending and treating everyone differently. In truth? He’s a fucking coward. He’s scared out of his mind and he’s tired and he can’t take pain, he’s obsessed with reaching some goal he deems is necessary that in the end is going to be his death because he doesn’t want to face the consequences of his actions. He’s taken on the role of someone evil, though deep down he’s not, he feels it’s easier to live that way because it strips him of his conscience. 

interpersonal relationships: In general, Norman sees all relationships in a pretty dim light. He sees everyone as black and white, for the most part, and other people make no sense to him intuitively, he has to figure them out like a puzzle. He’s manipulative and not particularly kind, but he follows all societal expectations to a T, overly focused on his appearance and placing the person he’s interacting with into a Category™. So he can be truly kind, to people he feels deserve it, to people who he values and doesn’t see flaws in. He gets incredibly attached to people he loves, protective, though he often doesn’t take their own feelings on the matter into consideration, and he’s ruthless with anyone who he deems a bad person. With people he understands and relates to, though, things can be different. If he sees someone as like himself, he will drop all the social interaction police bullshit and cut to the chase of whatever he wants or needs from them, and he’s not very forgiving in any manner, if he thinks what someone did is actually bad.

Emma: Norman obviously cares a lot about Emma, and honestly views her as better than anyone else. He realizes her moral integrity and all of the things she has and he doesn’t, and admires it. Because of his black and white view, Emma is like an angel to him. She couldn’t do anything wrong if she tried. But he comes to treat her as something to be protected instead of respected, and although he realizes she wouldn’t like what he’s doing, he fundamentally cannot empathize with her and doesn’t try to understand her. Their personalities are very literally opposite. Norman really needs to fucking listen to her. And Emma needs to understand that Norman doesn’t have a single ounce of empathy and you really do need to spell it out for him. Emma can only convince him when she has logical reasons for her actions, which she, doesn’t often have. And Emma gave Norman too much slack, because she didn’t see past the surface, and Ray never wanted to warn her, even though he knew the dude was showing a bunch of red flags, because you know. It was kind of an unspoken deal between them. (on ray’s part)

Ray: His relationship with Ray is a lot more complicated than with Emma. He understands Ray, where he doesn’t understand Emma, and he can see right through anything Ray does. And this makes things really tense between them, because Ray doesn’t, take kindly to being psychoanalyzed. If someone perceives him he will deck them and Norman is just there silently perceiving him at all times when Emma doesn’t see it. They are both constantly in competition with each other, but they care about each other a lot, though it’s kind of in a derogatory way. They both recognize each other as fundamentally fucked up, and silently agree never to bring it up with Emma. They’re nice to each other when she’s around, but all pretenses disappear when she’s gone. Ray is always frustrated with Norman, because Norman’s never been intimidated by him, and though he tries his best not to be vulnerable around him, Norman can always see through it, whereas Ray can’t crack Norman’s fake fucking smile no matter what he does. Norman will always take Emma’s side, and doesn’t see Ray as a good person at all, but he still understands and can excuse him, he takes measures to be… worse than Ray, which is better in his mind, because it’s rational, and ‘not selfish’.

Isabella: She has always had ridiculously high expectations for Norman, and treats him kind of harshly compared to the others. Bitch has heat stroke and Isabella’s first question is a calculus problem instead of like, “are you ok”. She knows he doesn’t complain about anything ever and she doesn’t stop him from being Terrible to himself, because it makes her job easier. They want smart kids, not mentally adjusted kids. She does really care for all of them, but she basically overrides it, she gives them what they want, not what they need, lets them be exactly what they’re making themselves. Isabella is distant with Ray but gives him anything he wants, she’s close and super nice with Emma, but Norman is… it’s weird. Isabella is proud of him because he meets her astronomically high bar. But at the same time, Norman never really cared for her that much and has never pretended to. Once they discover The Thing, though, he has a revelation, and it doesn’t take him long to switch his entire perspective about her. He’s pretty much like. Oh. She’s like me. That explains it, time to treat her like I treat myself: fucking brutally. Passive aggressive as hell. The kind of energy the :) emoticon at the end of an email gives. He does like just go “yeah we should kill her” at one point, which. You know, ok. When he got shipped out it was hhhh really interesting because Isabella knew full well he knew he was walking to his death and Norman was like “are you Truly Happy?” and just went :) and she was like h u h and tried to get him to talk while they were walking there because she feels Bad about it and he just. Did not. He didn’t say a single word just kind of smiled menacingly at her and I think it was half a sort of rebellion and half because he viewed her as similar to himself and therefore felt no need to put up any front with her, no words were necessary for him to impart exactly how he felt about it

Lambda kids: His relationship with the lambda kids is weird and bittersweet. I think he really truly does care about them, they were in a similar situation to his and he wants them to get what they want. However it is not a healthy or beneficial relationship, they see him as a god and don’t realize that he’s killing himself to give them what they want, he’s basically adopted them when out of anyone norman’s the one that should least be in charge of kids. I think he’s honestly younger than them but I’m not sure if they even know. He acts like their fucking mom, and that’s from what he thinks mothers are like… like isabella?? Giving them what they want, not what they need, lying to them, showing a front, caring deeply for them but at the same time using them for his own ends. And it’s not helpful for him. He thinks he knows what they need, but what he’s doing is what they want. What they need is therapy,(and so does norman), and he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with using them as weapons because they love him. It makes him feel good, to be seen as perfect, to have people who don’t know how weak he really is. But it’s only making him worse, and he’s enabling everything the lambda kids are doing wrong as well. They need like, Yuugo and Lucas. Some actual adults who are actually wise and have the ability and the knowledge to take care of them and understand their mental problems and maybe actually address them. And actually be nice to them. But um sadly. 

what he’s doing wrong: It’s pretty obvious, but… Norman, you maybe *shouldn’t* commit genocide? You’re not helping emma, you’re not making anything better. You’re not helping the lambda kids, you’re enabling them. You’re not helping your friends from grace field, you’re ignoring what they want. You’re not helping the world, you’re eradicating an entire race from the face of the earth and murdering the poor for the crimes of the fucking 1%. You’re not being a martyr, you’re a selfish piece of shit liar you little coward, you just want an easy way out and you want to die on your bloody fucking hill instead of admitting you’re wrong. Grow up, cringe little man.

why he went wrong: I think most of the reason this happened was the way he was raised combined with the kind of person he is. Norman would have turned out fine, if there has been good adults in his life who actually cared about his well being. Instead he got people who just wanted to control him and make him what they needed, and family who largely didn’t realize there was anything wrong. Ray being an ass to him most of forever probably didn’t help but well, that’s just Ray. Even then, he would have managed alright if he escaped with the rest of the kids because he would never have been separated from the experiences that caused the rest of them to realize demons weren’t all evil. In lambda he didn’t have anyone supporting him or telling him when things went too far, so he fell into relying on himself alone, pushing himself further with absolutely no limits. All he saw was enemies and allies, and things got stratified. He never had a lucas or a yuugo or mujika when he would have needed it, instead he found children who wanted him to be in charge and a world that made it so he had to be. Everything was an echo chamber for his worst thoughts, so they just became more and more dominant.

what he needs: To put it simply, he needs Emma and Ray to cut to the chase and slap him across the face and make him take care of himself. He needs to be forced to see everything for what it really is- this edgy 14 year old committing atrocities to feel better about himself? He needs to be told that what he’s doing is irrational, because in reality, it is. There are better solutions that he’s ignoring, both to his own suffering and the demons, and the way he’s going now no one will truly be happy because of it, that there is no requirement that things be perfect and this bullshit doesn’t make him stronger. He needs someone responsible to take the fucking dagger out of his hands. He also needs someone to babysit him and make him go to bed at a reasonable time.

i describe his personality through songs on my spotify playlist for him:

-outrunning karma by alec benjamin: this one super applies because it calls him out for making shitty decisions, being manipulative and a liar, and having blood on his hands in a very calm and subdued manner, that he knows this is wrong and yet he chooses to keep running faster and faster towards destruction, that he means to escape it through death

-empty by boyinaband and jaiden: yes this is a song about anorexia yes it also applies to norman i’m not saying norman literally has an eating disorder (but honestly it wouldn’t be far out of character if he did) but metaphorically this applies to his method of ignoring his needs, both emotional and physical, in favor of seeming in control 

-toxic thoughts by faith marie: this one speaks to his gifted kid trauma. Man’s got perfectionism running his entire soul. He’s terrified of failing, because he’s always been at the very top, he’ll beat himself up over any miniscule mistake and forces himself to keep at bad habits that keep him Productive, but he won’t ask for help no matter how much he’s suffering because that would be failing, he fights with his mind, this song basically tells him “yeah i feel you but you need to stop that”

-no time to die by billie eilish: ignore the romantic overtones but this is emma and norman, emma who trusted norman and was lied to, betrayed, for norman’s greater good, and norman who refuses to feel or hurt because of it, who refuses to apologize or see himself as wrong, pushes forward because he’s going to Pass Away

-achilles come down by gang of youths: hhhhh it's like. His vibe. Obviously you can disregard the lifestyle specific shit but it's. It's achilles come down you have to understand it’s like the same deal as friend, please just like french and longer

-friend, please by 21 pilots: i feel like i don't have to explain this one but it’s more to the manga (not the anime where he kind of figures out he done did wrong by himself instead of committing unforgivable sins and still going yeah this is valid before emma is like holy fuck). He is like sorry emma I cannot fix anything I’m going to die :) *coughs blood* and emma going like stop it stop it stop it fuck you see you fucked up and i forgive you just stop don’t walk away while he’s like “no<3”

why im a repressed little norman kinnie even tho he’s my exact opposite: I don’t generally kin ppl like norman, honestly he’s an infj I have no clue how it happened but I’m pretty sure it’s because of my intense desire to project onto a little man who cannot lift a milk jug and has chronic pain and decides you know what I AM tired of being nice i DO wanna go apeshit. Also he’s a twink. A little bastard. He’s a terrible person and I go mood every time he does anything. I said mood when he fell out of a tree. Don’t know what this says about me, I swear I wouldn’t commit no genocide. He’s like the inverse of Yoichi Saotome, and somehow i kin him too. Damn.

Miscellaneous headcanons:

-man’s SO attached to his william minerva cloak. He’s a wispy little bitch, you know he’s wearing that thing inside the house, he’s fucking cold. It also makes him Look Important he can retreat into it like an emo middle schooler with an oversized sweatshirt

-although you could probably get Mad street cred from having two whole brands you know he’s not gonna whip it out and show off his lambda thing he’s incredibly self conscious and his chest hasn’t seen the sun in years

-norman’s got MAD laundry skills to be able to wear like, all white all the time while constantly murdering people. I think he’s the only one who knows to do the laundry. And Ray is the only one who knows how to cook.

-but even then there’s gotta still be a few questionable stains on that thing, but if anyone asks he’s like “ketchup” “I’ve literally never seen you eat anything with that much color” “ketchup :)” *coughs blood*

-he’s probably thought “well i have not literally coughed blood yet today so I am not legally obligated to take care of myself”

-He probably adopted much of his current personality from taking on the persona of william minerva. I’m calling him out for being like me, he’s a blank motherfucker, he absorbs personality traits from characters he plays! He’s just not in theatre so it’s a bit more intense!

-the first time he sees barbara Eating Demon Meat he kinda stares and goes oh cool! not for me and violently exits the room. Like it's hilarious bc he thinks that's really gross on a moral level though he understands why she would do it 

-Which is even funnier bc I’m not sure about the canon on this but there was That Chapter Cover that one time that kinda seemed to imply norman eating demon meat which i absolutely latched onto because I’m terrible. He was just politely eating it. With a knife and fork like why dude. As to a possible reason for him doing that I can come up with, of course barbara does it out of spite, but man we don’t know the properties, if it had some sort of painkilling aspect to it or it was like, caffeine, you know he would, but he would Definitely not talk about it

-I kinda disagree with what the anime did in episode eight? It was good I liked it and the imagery was fantastic but also have you considered Norman could not kill someone with his own hands if he tried, or even physically injure them? That’s what his minions are for shawty. That doesn’t make it any less bad, of course, but the manga captured it perfectly by the fact of he carries around a dagger and a scepter in the capitol battle, but he never even raises it out of more than intimidation. He walks through calmly like he’s not scared at all but he makes sure all the lambda kids do all the actual murder, he just stands there impartially, clearly The Mastermind, as the kids fucking murder the queen of the demons. And I think that’s more profound because he’s, a coward. And he doesn’t realize being the one who orders the strike makes you just as responsible as the one who sticks the knife in someone. The knife is just there to Compensate™  for the fact that he weighs like eighty pounds.

-he’s more of like lady macbeth (because he’s a girlboss) than macbeth himself. He has blood on his hands, but it’s the kind of blood that you can’t wash off. He never killed anyone himself, and he cannot admit he never would have been able to.

-the last thing is that there are definitely epic things about the anime, episode 8 was my favorite so far, goddamn that imagery and the bitch walking through the city while it burns down with the screaming asmr going on behind him my god. We stan. But like the downside of, letting Emma and Ray get to him before he commits first degree murder makes the whole thing lose a lot of his value. In the manga (oh my god look at me being a pretentious manga fan please) it fit more of his ideas- he never backed down, and he planned for Emma coming and trying to stop him. Of course he wanted Emma to stop him, he wanted it with all his fucking heart he was pleading for it to happen but the man wouldn’t give himself what he wanted if he was held at gunpoint. He knew she’d come and he made absolutely sure she wouldn’t be able to stop him. So when she came and he said “you’re too late”??? It kind of said it all, in the fact that he was disappointed that he got his way. He still thought he did the right thing, but deep down there where he shoved all his thoughts and feelings he desperately wanted to be saved from himself.

So yeah, those are my thoughts. Feel free to eviscerate me if these are not Correct he is just my favorite girlboss who I feel the need to yell at

[thatreallyminecraftsmygender]

Fuck it, Docm chronic pain

what up we don’t talk about disabled hermits enough and I have some headcanons for yous

Disclaimer, I don’t use prosthetics or cybernetics and my primary pain is not nerve pain, so this post won’t focus on the specifics of that, it instead talks about a more general chronic pain over view!

Arm and Leg

An overview of the pain

Okay so doc’s chronic pain stems from the way his cybernetics connect with his nerves. If he over exerts them or over uses them or doesn't care for them properly, they hurt because they the nerves are almost overloaded and over worked.

And sometimes thy just hurt for no reason, they just hurt because they hurt.

It doesn’t take much for them to start aching, by the end of the day they’re usually pretty sore. There is a progression of pain, first the area surrounding the cybernetics gets really sore and often tender and hyper-sensitive to touch. Then if he has a day where he does’t do anything to manage the pain, he starts getting shooting pains up his arm and leg. If he pushes through, become all across his body and the pain can result in muscle cramps from tensing. If it gets to this stage multiple days in a row it can result in muscle soreness and muscle exhaustion.

Like he will get the Worst knots in his back from cramping due to pain, heat is his go to for that.

Eye

So it’s similar to the arm and leg regarding shooting pains and face cramps if overworked, but I think the overworking would come from lots of changing in focus points and light levels. So working on something that requires him to fly up for an overview and read small instructions is fatiguing, and going into lots of different light levels is also taxing on it.

Really dramatic and sudden light changes mean the eye can’t keep up and the So sometimes it doesn't adjust properly and can make things really painfully bright. Like look at the sun bright, which can be inescapable if the eye Malfunctions. He’s had bad experiences with it in the past so now he’s pretty damn protective of it

Living with it!

Pain cycles

An effect of being in pain a lot put also being very focused and (maybe overly) goal oriented and focused on efficiency means he doesn’t always Listen to his body. A lot of the time he doesn’t notice the extent of the pain until he takes a break an assess his body,,,, which has the unfortunate side effect of making him reluctant to take breaks when he’s very focused on a project - because if he acknowledges his bodies protests it means he’d probably have to stop work for the day. But pushing through the pain makes lowers the bar for pain the next day, which can result in a cycle of pain and pushing through. Where he overworks one day, and then the next day the threshold for overworking is lower.

He used to have this problem a lot more but know he recognizes them and actually takes care of his cybernetics a lot more. But he can fall back into Bad habit if he’s stressed

Function

 this is where i fudge things about cybernetics  So i think he has to do calibration exercises and limit tests semi often. When he’s trying to break a pain cycle it can be a way to test how he’s recovering.

He sometimes finds it extremely frustrating because it’s motions that other people, like touching his fingers to his thumb and some days he just can't.

Its the thing he find most frustrating. The pain is bad but the worst thing about when he over uses his body for the day is at some point it just stops working well enough to be usable, his hands won't respond properly, or it'll start shaking so much he can’t work.

He also struggles with water related activities. He can get them damp can for a bit but if he’s on a high pain day and the water is saline, it can exacerbate and mobility difficulties, and if it gets inside the cybernetics? That can be Rough.

Other Hermits

He doesn't talk about it much, because he 1) its just part of his daily life and simply a part of his existence, a fact for life and 2) he doesn’t like other people feeling like they need to baby him. Not that they would, but it’s more for his own mind. He prefers holding the cards close to his chest in terms of expressing pain.

But the people close to him know to check in relatively regularly just so they know where he's up to.

I’ll go into more about the other hermit and some more day-to-day things, like grumpy doc and Doc’s tell for when he’s in pain, stuff about other hermits helping with maintance as well. Feel free to ask me or suggest ideas!

Also, if you have more experience with nerve pain specifically or have prosthetic feel free to correct me or add specifics!

[modern-oedipus]

Update: I vented (both to my journal and a trusted friend), made a therapist appointment (I can get one per month but the time has come), cleaned my room and came up with some useful ideas to help me on the following semester. The recent days have been tough for me but I am overcoming slowly. I’m grateful for everyone who respected this and helped me the best they could.  Tomorrow I’m leaving for a (delayed) vacation. I’ll watch out for social distancing and hygiene as always. I have been worried and nearly depressed at the thought of online-college even though I am fully aware of the risks in-person education would bring. I’m not one to decide what my university is going to do, but I will get precautions to protect my mental and physical health. Of course there are things I can’t control, things unfortunate and horrifying and perhaps inevitable, like catching the virus and/or losing someone I love, dying, or being given permanent damage. This reminds me of the times when I was around 17 and there’d be attacks on Paris and I’d freak out. Anyway, this is a different threat, but it still leaves a trace even if I am not directly facing it.  But... There are things I can and cannot control. It’s important to focus on the parts I can control, right? So that I can be the most ready for the worst case without constantly worrying over it. Overdosed anxiety is really useless. (Fun fact: I never thought I had chronic anxiety, but my therapist low-key called me out once saying that I tend to have anxiety, even though she cannot fully diagnose me with it since my “symptoms” are not severe enough, but that they could become a problem if I didn’t keep them in check.)  But well, how can’t you be anxious in this time and age?  I think it’s humanly to be anxious, just... It’s just as humanly as being angry or bitter or salty. What matters is to acknowledge that anxiety and process it healthily without making it toxic for me or people around me.  So let me just vent this: THIS IS SO FUCKED UP. I fucking hate this, I’m so tired of always trying to “protect” my mental health, like, the moment I got my personal problems together, covid19 started. My precious college experience, of whom I lost 1.5 years due depression, got cancelled. Outdoors got cancelled. We don’t know what this virus is or how long I can’t go to the events (congresses, stage plays, concerts, protests, everything... that makes me feel alive and connected and happy and hype) or whether this covid leaves a permanent damage. My parents fucking divorced, and even though the divorce itself hasn’t been traumatic for me I still... switch houses... it’s just... weird. I miss having my family together. I miss doing the things I love, going out, laying on the grasses in front of the faculty with my Starbucks cup and chatting to my two best friends about anything and everything, going to classes, leaving classes, my best friend dragging me to the music faculty so I can listen and record him playing piano, or that we can go out for partying, or we can hit to gym, or we can stay for a coffee chat with everyone, or go to our cheesy dining hall lunches, join to 6 pm events, stay in library to rush a homework together, run to the classroom as we repeat out the enzyme names loud because we just have a quiz, wearing our lab coats and taking silly pics, pretending we get the next Nobel prize as we go to lab, visiting the student’s office in my newspaper, standing on the line of orientation and welcoming the freshmen with giant pics and convincing them to join our club, dancing, petting campus dogs, buying even more Starbucks, I just... I miss everything so much. This is my final year and what if I can never get to experience such a beautiful experience again? What if it is ruthlessly stripped from me despite the crazy tuition fee I pay for online fucking classes? Who on their right mind wants to do online college? It’s the best college here too, like... It ain’t even a bad college, so I can confidently say that I’m missing out A LOT. I know it is like this worldwide but... It doesn’t make my pain any less. And I know this is not a “big” problem compared to getting the virus, but this is severely impacting my mental health so even if this is not a “big” problem, this is valid and serious enough to drive me miserable, which means I need to talk about it.  I miss everything so much. It’s just.  JUST when I’m out of depression and feeling alive...  That I’m homestuck.

I had so many chances that I wasted half of it in my freshman year because I was suicidal. Now I am full of life, but home stuck, and it just hurts, okay? It fucking hurts. Even if I go study another major after this (I considered this since I studied a stem major but I really want some psychology/philosophy/media related things additionally) I will be, idk, 22? It won’t feel the same as being 21. No one can give me the 2020 back. I’m honestly just... so, so, so, so, SO sad. This is overwhelming. This much of online education is too much. And I know that even if we go to campus it’s not the same because we have to wear masks and stay split and cancel big events (which, believe me, I most religiously follow, the virus is no joke and I never let my guard down even for a second) so it won’t be the same. Just... why... why... why... If this virus really came because some guy ate a rat in China, then... 

On the other side, as sad and horrified as I feel, I don’t want to “waste” my time just because it’s “online”. I want to make the most of my time. I want to enjoy whatever I have, I just need to stop obsessing over “why...” and “what if...”s. I need to accept... that life is like this. But god, I guess that’s something for therapy because I’m honestly bad at accepting things which are genuinely unfair to me. Worse since this unfairness is not something that can be just “solved”. It’s not like a friendship conflict. It’s a bloody pandemic, what can I do?  Oh, right, speaking of what I can do, I’ve actually come up with a few solutions. They don’t “solve” the issue but they can decrease the damage enough that I can go on my day to day life at peace. 

But I’ll not talk about the solutions here, I just wanted to vent. I normally don’t post this type of vent here (the miserable ones) but since I refuse to write anyone in dm-s right now, I thought you could read it if you’re worried. I’m sorry but I still don’t want to talk to anyone (except those who are excluded), so.  Anyway, take care! 2020 is crazy but if we can get through this year we can probably get through many other challenges like they’re little snacks! Love you all!

[kyberled]

Send “📂“ for a random yet completely useless headcanon I have || ACCEPTING

@reawakcn​ asked:

📂📂📂!

📂 If he gestures with his saber at you, you can figure out whether or not he thinks you’re a threat pretty easily. If he thinks you’re a threat, he’ll gesture with the blade emitter facing you. If he doesn’t think it’s a threat, he’ll flip it around and gesture at you with the pommel.

It’s worth noting that ‘not a threat’ doesn’t mean he trusts you. It might just mean that he doesn’t think he’ll need to fight you, or, if he does, he won’t need a lightsaber to win.

📂 He likes sitting in laps. This is mostly caused by the fact that when he was little, he spent a lot of his time in laps. He’s managed to accumulate a plethora of adults who would put baby Braig in their lap to give him snacks, read him stories, let him play with star charts, or just hold the little one. Also, a lot of the people in his life he’s close to are big enough for him to sit on. He’s very small. If you are someone he feels safe with - not just trusts, not just comfortable with - and you’re big enough (and comfortable with it), he’ll probably sit on your lap, or at least use it as a pillow. If you’re smaller than him, he’ll either lean on you or you have free reign to sit in his lap. If you stroll up to the 212th’s camp during missions, don’t be surprised if you see a tiny padawan snoozing in their marshal commander’s or general’s lap.

There are a few reasons for this. Firstly, as I said, it stems from his childhood, but it also makes him feel safe. Given that the war leaves him with a considerable amount of trauma, feeling safe is big for him. On bad nights, being close to someone he finds comfort in is the only way he can get a full night’s sleep. So, while they’re definitely not  the only ones, that’s why his dads are probably the first two to come to mind. He knows he’s safe with them, so he feels alright shutting his eyes for a bit.

It’s also because he’s a healer. Hear me out: Being trained as a Force Healer means he’s deeply keyed into the Living Force. This is, in part, why  the sheer number of deaths at once during the Great Jedi Purge leaves him with actual chronic pain, and, from what I’ve read in the Book of Sith, he’s extremely lucky it didn’t just kill him outright. If he doesn’t  keep his shields up 24/7, the amount of overload he can get from people around him is borderline ludicrous. And he’s a Jedi, and people hate Jedi. And it’s a war, and it’s terrible for everyone. Not only that, but the Clone Wars was, as short as it was, memorable in part because of how many Jedi lives it took, even before the Purge. In short, the Force - especially outside the Temple - didn’t always feel great. Being close to people who he cares about is like a detox for him. It allows him to feel a familiar, trusted presence without having to lower his shields much, and to just relax for a bit.

Also, Braig’s just an affectionate person who knows he can get away with it. And he also knows there are other things he can get away with through this: Mostly, it’s just that he knows Cody won’t stand up unless it’s an emergency if his padawan looks comfortable, so Braig uses it to make Tall Dad rest for a change. Bonus points if he can get him to eat, but he knows that sometimes, you take what you can get.

📂 Let’s Talk Etymology, because I’ve already talked about this with Sam and Rodi and it’s still funny for me. So, for those who haven’t heard, Braig’s recently gone through a name change. Not his first name, just middle and surname. The long and short of it is, I picked that name four + years ago, and upon finally coming back to my son, realized I don’t really like it, and it doesn’t really fit the universe. So I figured I’d dick around with one of the millions of Star Wars name generators out there until I found some I like. So, his full name is Braig Cassir Claermoore (at least, until he changes it late into his teenage years).

Now, Braig is a name that was first used in Star Wars for the character of Braig Farool, whose first appearance came in 1992. If I’m being completely candid, I got it from Kingdom Hearts, but I’ve written about that before and I don’t need to out myself as a teenage weeblet any more than I already have. The very interesting thing is that it has some real world connotations, too.

The first one I came across is an archaic Scottish term ‘braig-knyfe’. That means, somewhat loosely translated, butcher’s knife, carver’s knife, or flesher’s knife. The second meaning comes from the ancient Norman Braggi, which, like many words at the time, had different spellings, including Bragg, Brag, Bragge, Braggs, et cetera. This one means ‘lively, active, happy’, or ‘a hero’ and/or ‘a man of great accomplishment’. The final meaning, I have to give credit to @wanmins​ for. Erika was the one who pointed out to me that it’s also similar to the ancient Norse god, Bragi. Bragi was interpreted by some to be a fallen hero rather than a god-god, but, either way, functioned as a wise and learned bard who recorded and told the stories of the gods.

I thought these three meanings were not only cool, but fit my boy pretty well, since how he’ll turn out is a pretty serious story thread for him, especially after Order 66. Will he continue to try to do what’s right, will he fall to a more cruel way of living, or will he be content to simply keep his journal and preserve a record of times gone by? Generally, if I had to ascribe one meaning to it, though, I’d probably pick ‘hero’, since that’s the one that his parents probably would’ve wanted, going by their ideals, but, yes, any could potentially fit.

I’m going to skip over his middle name right now, because that’s the funny one. It deserves to go last. His surname, Claermoore, is, from what I can tell, taken from two different words in two different languages: The middle Dutch ‘Claer’ and the Irish ‘Mordha’. ‘Claer’ means ‘bright’ or ‘light’, and ‘Mordha’ means ‘stately nobleman’. It fits pretty well for a Jedi, I think.

His middle name is not so fitting.

If you spell it with a K, Kassir means ‘road’ or ‘path’ in German. But here’s the thing: The generator I found spelled it with a C, and I’ve decided I like how it looks spelled with a C. If you spell it with a C, according to the research I’ve done, it actually changes not only its meaning, but the entire root language, being derived from the Greek ‘Cassandra’.

Cassandra means ‘tempter of men’.

Put together, his name means ‘the bright, noble hero who keeps flirting with dudes’.

Given that he has the romantic inclinations of a rather shy tooth brush, it’s a whole other reason as to why he stops using his name.

[throtegote]

Yung Waitloz (2012 me’s rapper name)

(If you’d like to read this off my wix blog here’s the link: https://erikatriesall.wixsite.com/tlhodia)

If you get triggered by topics concerning body image and weight loss then proceed with caution or don’t proceed at all.

I probably discuss way too much personal stuff online, but hey, who doesn’t appreciate a little oversharing every once in a while?

I have never been skinny or slim, let’s start there. Sure, I was a tiny baby, but that was about it. I have always been bigger than a lot of my classmates and even now I’m in no way built like a Victoria’s Secret model. Also, keep in mind that I’ve never been clinically obese or severely overweight. Got it? Cool.

Enter My Mom. She has been on my case to lose weight for as long as I remember. I admit, there were times when I was particularly chonky, but that’s beside the point. I remember being 8-9 years old when she spent over 15 minutes ridiculing and calling me out on how my spandex gym tights made noises as my thighs rubbed together during our uphill walk around the residential estate. She was also and still is, fond of pinching my “love-handles” (in quotes because if I remember “You can’t even call them love handles because you have nobody loving you.”),  with her long-ass, sharp nails whenever they appeared over the waistband of my pants.

(I’m not bitter or anything)

Essentially, 8-year-old me was told to lose weight enough times to try. I ate the food they gave me, and only what they gave me, and went on walks occasionally with My Mom (which I despised because I really didn’t leave the comfort of my room to be berated by my birth giver). I even started taking netball more seriously and started athletics training. What I also started doing was paying close attention to the bodies of girls around me and playing spot the difference. Not too long afterwards I learned to hate clothes shopping and hide in group photos. When I look through photo albums and my parent’s phone galleries now, it’s plain to see that I was an Olympic grade camera dodger.

Fast forward a few years. Now I’m 11-12 years old. I’ve grown taller and older, so my weight distribution has changed, but I’m still not skinny. My Mom is still on me to lose weight, even more so now that I’m older and maturing into “womanhood” because apparently, it is a crime to wear pants only a few sizes smaller than your mother of similar body structure and lesser height. Now that I’m older and more educated, I’ve realized that even though I was playing a sport and jogging and going for aerobics with my mom occasionally, I won’t get skinny unless I change my diet. In fact, there was a time when some government nurses came to do regional health checks at school and some data included body weight (there was a crowd around me when it was my turn to hop on the scale. The boys laughed, I went to the bathroom and cried. But it’s all good). The nurses then asked me questions about stuff like the bread we had at home, if I ate junk food or added sugar, stuff like that. That’s when it clicked. It clicked real hard.

A typical school lunch packed by My Mom comprised a hotdog/ham sandwich/homemade burger, a packet of chips/crisps and a juice box or Tropica when she was feeling generous. Which is what my brothers and a lot of my friends were packing to school with no problems: but I’m not built like those people so I can’t eat like them, right? The lunch had to go. And go it did. And so did pretty much all my other regular meals.

If My Mom was distracted with getting ready for work, I’d ditch breakfast and lie about it, then hop onto the school bus. Getting rid of the stuff in my lunchbox wasn’t too difficult to do because I had friends who were happy to help. This meant that for the first 12 hours of the day all I had was a juice box or nothing at all. It worked. My Mom noticed and complimented my improved physique along with a handful of relatives. But was I skinny? Not even.

Then came the Google searches. “How to lose weight quickly” “How to get skinny” “How to get a thigh gap” “How to lose thigh fat fast” Just to name a few.

That’s when I discovered the infamous pro-anorexia community. Or should I say that’s when they found me? I’m not too sure.

Over the school holidays, I started with the so-called “K-pop” diets and did YouTube workouts every night with more consistency than my prayer life. Two boiled eggs for breakfast, some milk for lunch (which was disastrous because apparently, I’m lactose intolerant), and for dinner… water, with or without lemon or tea. It really depended on the day. Not that hard to get away with, really. When the fat girl says they’re not hungry, who are you to force them?

But I couldn’t lose weight fast enough. Sure, slowly killing myself was working, but was I skinny? Nah.

So, I turned to “thinspo” and “pretty girl diet” challenges and "pro-ana" coaches to guide me. (If you're somebody who thinks it's okay to coax children into dangerous eating disorders and potentially death, you deserve a chair. But make it electric. Periodt.) My stomach was flattening, and my pants came on a lot easier, but the truth was I was utterly miserable. Getting skinny was all I thought about. And I’m not talking about Victoria’s Secret model skinny, I got to a point where I was jealous of the science lab skeleton, no jokes. Food wasn’t food anymore; it was just numbers and macros. I was always dizzy and cranky and my hair was falling out and even though I had done it for long enough to overcome the hunger pangs, there was a new pain, one that manifested in my chest and couldn’t be treated with sleep or Panado. I was the only one on holiday for three months, so nobody noticed.

I was twelve when I first tried to off myself with prescription drugs. All because I couldn’t be skinny and in my head that meant I couldn’t be pretty, or loved, or befriended. I woke up after a 8-hour “nap” to find that nothing had changed.

Why am I exposing myself by telling this story?

If you’re a parent or sibling or anyone who cares for a child who you think needs to lose weight for whatever reason (hopefully for health-related reasons, not purely aesthetics), please do not leave them to their own devices. They will search for authoritative guidance elsewhere, and the wrong people may find them. People who prescribe oxygen as a meal plan and perpetuate the notion that if you can pinch at your flesh, then you are ugly and will remain ugly until you are feather-light. Despite being one of the smartest kids in my grade, I still fell for it. (Update: I’m still not skinny. I probably only fucked up my metabolism and lost hair. -100/10, would not recommend to my worst enemy.)

Good news is at some point I got sick and tired of feeling the way I did. My suicide attempt failed miserably but instead of trying again, I uninstalled all my calorie counter and fitness apps, tossed all my magazines in the trash and talked to my mom and made it a point to talk to friends more, especially those who understood in some way or another. The Body Positivity movement was rising, and that helped a lot. Big ups to all the lovely people on YouTube who post videos on #recovery.

But experiences like this don’t just go away. You don’t forget and move on. I still have relapses, I still feel insurmountable guilt after eating, I still feel like I would rather eat baked rat than gain weight, I still go through binge-restrict cycles. All stemming from events that happened over 8 years ago.

My Mom had some level of good intention, I won't disregard that. People on her side of the family suffer from chronic illnesses that can all be prevented if not managed better through proper diet and exercise and she doesn't want her kids developing high blood pressure at age 13. Fine, I get it. But damn.

If you can avoid doing this to yourself or someone impressionable in your life, please do. Model healthy behaviours for your kids to adopt and talk health; not snatched waistlines, not thigh gaps nor scale readings. Teach your kids not to base the entirety of their worth on their appearance. And do not, under any circumstances, body shame them.

Please?

Once again, a lot of what is here is based on personal experience and opinion (‘coz it’s my blog, duh’). If you have separate ideas or any disagreements, bring them up in the comments or email me. I love a good debate.

Also, if you currently relate to anything mentioned in this post, take this as your sign to get better. Trust me, you're worth it.

xoxo

Erika

[asiryn]

this post is going to be very rambly, so i apologize in advance. if you’re potentially interested in my liveblogs, and/or interested in hearing a bit about my current life and disability issues, tune in. if you aren’t, then....keep scrolling i guess XD

(if you just want the current liveblog schedule, scroll to the bottom)

[and this got predictably very long, so i’m gonna put it behind a cut for convenience] 

up to recently, my main liveblogs have been about the pokemon anime, with a few other shows, books, and especially video games sprinkled in here and there. essentially, waaaay back in yonder year of 2014, netflix added the first season of pokemon, the indigo league, to their site, and i, in a fit of nostalgia, made the veeery questionable decision to watch all of the pokemon anime---rewatching the stuff i hadn’t touched since i was kid, and then continuing on into the unknown, and watching all the seasons from gen 3 onward that i had missed due to dropping out of pokemon. i only really started actually making liveblog posts once i hit gen 3, then i stayed consistent-ish from then onward. (for the curious, i’m up to sun & moon, and i have 44 episodes left until i finish it (i’m not ready ;;;; ), and then netflix actually just dropped the first 12 episodes of the newest series, pokemon journeys, so....56 until i’ve caught up with the dub XD)

so, all of y’all who climbed aboard with those liveblogs are probably already aware of Who I Am, at least a little. (....this is making it sound like i’m Some Big Name in liveblogging, but i’m not really anything of the sort, just so we’re all on the same page XD) at least, in terms of the fact that i’m physically disabled, suffer from chronic pain, etc. but recently, i’ve joined two new fandoms, and i’ve begun liveblogging spop and my next life as a villainess. and my spop posts in particular are already becoming some of the most popular posts i’ve ever done (like wow, you guys). and i think part of that popularity is due to the fact that these are two pretty recent, pretty popular fandoms (tho i do also like to think that i do make good content XP). but the point is that quite a lot of new ppl are coming across me, and idk how much, if any, of you have taken the time to look at my bio or anything. so i guess....part of this post is just some ruminations, but also my way of letting you know more of what you’re getting into. 

so, for those who don’t know: hi, you can call me kiryn, i liveblog stuff sometimes, and i’m physically disabled. i suffer from intense, constant, chronic pain. it stems from a bone disease called HME, or hereditary multiple exostosis, if you’re curious (i have a severe case of it, joy of joys). the short version of what that means is that i have a lot of bone spurs everywhere on my body, and they....cause me a lot of pain. basically, i cannot do any kind of sustained activity without the already significant, never-ceasing pain that i feel cranking up to unbearable levels, and basically i’ll be rendered immobile. i do have pain meds that i take, and that very much help to take the edge off, and make it so that i can function at all (bc, believe fucking me, w/o them, i wouldn’t be able to achieve even the little i can do), but even with them, it only makes a dent in my pain levels, and again, sustained activity makes up that difference very quickly. 

now, the gist of this stuff i’ll mention from time to time, but....i don’t usually go into much detail about it (and this post is probably the most detailed i’ve been about my condition in years). bc, quite frankly, it’s depressing. (and seeing as i also already have clinical depression, that’s definitely not something that i need more of XD) i participate in fandoms for escapism, and bc i don’t really want to think about that crushing mountain of reality. i’ve had this condition since birth, and i’ve literally lived my entire life in constant pain, and i honestly have no fucking idea what it even feels like to be painless. and what’s even worse is that it’s a degenerative disease---essentially, the bone spurs are wearing down my joints, so....my entire condition will just keep worsening as i get older. (and no, surgery to remove the spurs isn’t really an option.) i’ll be 29 next month, and i can already tell you, i’ve been feeling that decline sharply. when i was a kid, i could still run. by the time i was a teenager, i couldn’t even do that anymore; the best i could manage was a jog. now....i don’t think i could even do that. 

i guess the main point in why i’m saying all this, is that for the last year especially, i’ve been dealing with the worst downward swing that i’ve had in years. in my late teens and early-mid 20s, i got into a pretty good rhythm, of knowing my body’s limits, how to budget spoons to accomplish things, etc. but now even that fragile equilibrium has been thrown out the window, and i’m currently struggling to learn the new limits and rhythm of this downward swing that is unfortunately now my reality. even before, i was pretty limited on what i could accomplish, but even that narrow window has shrunk even further. so basically, i’m in the testing zone still. and it’s a very slow process, bc once i exceed the limit, my body breaks down, and now it takes me even longer to recover. as an example, i used to know that i could wake up in the morning and get ready to leave the house in 20-30 mins. now? i need at least an hour, which involves me pushing through a wave of agony to be able to take my pain meds in the first place, and then wait for those meds to kick in and the pain to die down enough to move without feeling like i’m moving through a wall of spikes. (and that���s just the start of every day for me, and before even throwing in all of the other variables)

so, coming back to the liveblogs......obviously, that’s affected by all this too. if you’ve wondered why there’s been a gap between me finishing up spop s1 and starting s2....that’s why. partly, i didn’t expect how analysis-heavy i was going to get on spop; pokeani just doesn’t tend to be as consistently thematically deep, so those liveblogs took far less out of me than spop has, and pushing myself to finish 5 episodes in one day....well, it was too much. and the thing is, it’s obviously unhealthy for me to continually push myself to the point of total breakdown, so...that’s where learning my new limits comes in. so, these past few days, i’ve been thinking, and essentially trying to better figure out how to do liveblogs like this without pretty much killing myself in the process (bc i honestly do love making them....i mean, if i didn’t, then it really wouldn’t be worth the literal pain it takes to make them XD). and also there’s a component of managing my anxiety-brain, bc leaving things Unfinished stresses me out, and so when coming to terms with the fact that it’s going to take me awhile to finish one show....knowing that i’d be leaving others hanging....Doesn’t Help XD

so, here’s what i’ve got so far (and obvs, this is subject to much tweaking in the future XP)

currently, i’m watching 4 shows: pokeani, good omens, villainess, and spop. villainess rn is the least of my worries, bc 1 ep is coming out a week, so it’s not demanding a lot of my time. 

for the other 3, here’s the preliminary schedule i’ve sort of hashed out:

- pokeani sm103-106

- spop s2

- pokeani sm107-110

- spop s3 

- pokeani sm111-114

- spop s4

- pokeani sm115-118

- spop s5 

- pokeani sm119-122

- good omens

- pokeani sm123-126

- [catch up block] (i don’t have a good track record in keeping up with ongoing shows, so if i fall behind on villainess, this is where i can catch up)

- finish pokeani sun & moon [sm127-146] (the league starts on ep 128, so i’d rather not experience any big interruptions in the battles XD)

basically, i’ve given myself a limit of 4 pokeani eps in a single session (bc as stated, they don’t take as much out of me), and with spop, the most i’ll let myself watch in a row will be 3 eps (s2 will probably be broken up into a 3/2/2 block, s3 a 3/3 block, and s4&5 will be a 3/3/3/2/2 block).

now, keep in mind that i’m very deliberately making no guarantees about specific days, bc who even knows, but at the very least, scheduling and talking it all out like this will help me to better manage my spoons, and if you’ve actually read this far, then you’ll know the method in the madness and why i’m doing things this way. XD the vague goal is to get in a least 1 liveblog session a week (plus a bonus of the new villainess ep on saturdays)---at least for the shows. i’m still having to working out what i’m going to do about video games....maybe i should just go on a ‘once a week’ model for all my hobbies across the board XDD

in the next couple of days, i’ll be posting that in-depth look into all the ships of villainess (it started as me just pecking down a few thoughts while i was taking a social media break due to the Current Events, but now i’m at the point where i’m like, i’ve put too much effort into this to not post it, damn it XP), and then depending on spoons, i’ll try to start in on that schedule this week, so stay tuned for some pokeani! (again....i’ll try to hit at least 1 liveblog a week before i start trying to get more ambitious XDD)

in any case, if you have stuck through to the end, thank you very much. your support means a lot to me 💖

[mydorkycreations]

6, 9, 11, 17, 31, 35, 45, 47, 51, 59, 74, 85, 89, 90 and 100 for aaron and/or hiroki???

*cracks knuckles* all right here we go !!!!

Hiroki:

006. What sense do they most rely on?

Touch, largely because of his powers.

009. Do they believe in happy endings?

You know, he wants to, but he’s seen enough shit to have a hard time believing in it. In his mind, the best you can do is keep going and hope you’re one of the lucky ones

011. How would your character court the person of their dreams?

Awkwardly at first ajkfsjkfsaflkjsafkl. But things grow increasingly more toothache-inducing levels of sweet as he grows more comfortable. It’ll also be a very private thing, very little or even no PDA, and not many people in on the fact that he’s seeing someone.

017. When does your character think that violence is justified or deserved?  

His stances on this are… weird. And conflicting. One day he’ll be almost a full-on pacifist and then the next he’s throwing someone out a window. He decides almost everything on a case-by-case basis, but doesn’t trust other people to make the right calls or not go too far, so what applies to him doesn’t apply to everyone else. It’s messy and he knows it’s not ideal, but he’s not sure how to rectify it

031. Are they superstitious about anything?

He’s a firm believer in the sweater curse to the point that it hurts Aaron’s feelings a little bit. Aside from that, I’d call him less superstitious and more cautious. He’ll leave the superstitious entities that may or may not be alone if they leave him alone.

035. What is the most important rule your character lives by?

I’m always torn between “Do no harm, take no shit” and “do no harm, unless you mean to do harm. Then do lots of harm” for him. He doesn’t really say either one or follow them intentionally, but it’s just. Very much kinda his vibe

045. Does your character have any chronic medical conditions?

Yep!! Mentally, there’s PTSD, survivor’s guilt, and depression/anxiety issues that kinda stem from those two. Physically the scars on his back and shoulders are pretty chronically tender/sore and sometimes have phantom pains.

047. What was the last medical problem your character had?

His mental health, probably. It didn’t stay spiraling out of control levels of bad for as long as his entire complication/recovery process took for his body, but it lingered long enough for it to probably be the last issue he had. He’s pretty healthy in terms of like genetics and stuff

051. If they knew they would die tomorrow, what would they do today?

Sorting out what will happen to Peanut Butter would be his top priority

059. List several phrases your character is fond of uttering. Where did they pick them up?

“… No/Come back/Moving on/Back to English now, all right?” –Multiple things directed at students usually when they get sidetracked or say dumb shit

“I’m older than you” –sass he gives Aaron when he calls him baby

*tired sigh* –multipurpose

“I’m fine.” –a lie he always tries to get away with when he is decidedly not fine

074. What is your character’s favorite game?

You mean besides the game of seeing how long Aaron can make out with him before losing his mind?

085. Describe your character in three words.

Protective, dual-natured, unassuming 

089. How vocally expressive is your character?

Not very. He’s one of those folks that just bottles things up instead of talking about them. He’s soft-spoken enough that just tonal range in general isn’t super wide unless he’s super comfortable around you

090. How bodily expressive is your character?

A little more so, but still uhhhhh. Not great. You need to know what to look for to pick up signs that something’s off unless it’s really bad

100. Does your character dream? If so, what do they dream about?

They usually aren’t exactly good dreams if/when he does. Things have somewhat settled down in the nightmare department enough that he can sleep, but the dream situation still isn’t good

Aaron:

006. What sense do they most rely on?

Sight. So much sight. He’s useless without his glasses

009. Do they believe in happy endings?

Yes, but in a reasonably liberal definition of it? Like if you get out of a bad situation and make your life better, congrats! Happy ending. If you can’t, there’s the afterlife, and that’s another potential for a happy ending. 

He’s… not a very fire and brimstone Catholic ajkfaslkfjkasfshflsk

011. How would your character court the person of their dreams?

With a LOT of enthusiasm. He gets so star crossed in love and loses all his brain cells

017. When does your character think that violence is justified or deserved?

Always self-defense, large-scale violence like war almost never, most things in between are some sort of gray and he’d rather stay out/away from it

031. Are they superstitious about anything?

Reasonably so. He’s an odd blend of superstition and Catholicism all rolled up into a dork-shaped ginger

035. What is the most important rule your character lives by?

The power of mediocrity. He can’t fix everything, but he can help with some things for a few people, and that might help make them more able to help a few other people, and maybe a little patch of the world will be a little better, and that’s just going to have to be enough because it’s all he can do

045. Does your character have any chronic medical conditions?

Not really? He’s pretty healthy. One of his shoulders isn’t what it used to be since he tore something in high school (for the life of me I don’t remember the muscle even though I should), but it’s not terrible

047. What was the last medical problem your character had?

Probably food poisoning. He’s terrible at tracking good vs expired food so it’s a chronic risk

051. If they knew they would die tomorrow, what would they do today?

Cry, probably. He’s had to work his ass off to get accepted to medical school, and then work his ass off in medical school, and there’s been… not much to his life besides that for a while. Putting a finite end on his life like that when he’s been working with pretty close to nothing but the long-term in mind would be uhhhhh very bad for him mentally. And that’s ignoring what would happen to his parents with school loans and yeah. Let’s not do this to Aaron

059. List several phrases your character is fond of uttering. Where did they pick them up?

“I can take care of myself, you know.” --At Hiroki when he’s fussing at him for not taking care of himself

“It’s too early” --at Hiroki when he wants him to stay in bed with him

“You’re like a goddamn cat sometimes” –at Hiroki when he invades his chair to sit in his lap

“I need a nap”

“Have you seen my *insert random thing*?”

074. What is your character’s favorite game?

He loves card games! Not picky about which ones, either.

085. Describe your character in three words.

Frazzled, determined, strategic

089. How vocally expressive is your character?

Very. Most of the time you can tell what mood Aaron’s in the instant he opens his mouth. 

090. How bodily expressive is your character?

A little less so, but still expressive, especially if he’s embarrassed. He blushes so bad Hiroki thinks it’s hilarious 

100. Does your character dream? If so, what do they dream about?

They’re mostly just odd and fragmented and make no sense. “There’s a rabbit playing poker with its brother, who’s a rock with googly eyes, and for some reason this is the focus of the dream instead of the twenty-part soap opera special going in the background” type of thing. Even his nightmares are that way, it’s just that everything is horrifying instead of weird. Those don’t happen often, though

[deadmomjokes]

(Normal? 1/2) I just went to a psychiatrist for the first time today. I got a recommendation from a therapist I used to see for a handful of appointments. I tried to be open minded, but I think they were bad at their job? They didn't tell me what the diagnosis was for sure (I could only assume depression/anxiety), and when I brought up concerns with general side effects, they brushed it off saying all things have side effects listed. They didn't even ask for all my symptoms?

(Normal? 2/2) I brought a whole notebook of information per recommendation of my past therapist, but then the psychiatrist never even asked about my family health history or triggers or coping mechanisms Ive tried. I don’t know, I felt like I was just treated like a body and had a set routine she was going through rather than actually hearing me. Am I just being overly anxious about this? Was this normal? Do they not need to know all my symptoms if I think I know what I got???

(Normal, Bonus) I don’t know, sorry for bothering you about this, I’m just super worried and don’t know anyone I can ask if this is normal for these kinds of appointments/treatments. Thank you so much for your time, even if you don’t answer. Have a lovely day

You’re definitely not bothering me at all! This stuff is hard enough to navigate without having a rotten experience like you did. And I do think your experience was terrible. You’re not just being overly anxious, you’re well within your right be frustrated and confused by your experience, and I would certainly find it anxiety provoking, myself!

A psychiatrist should absolutely be interested in both your symptoms and how they are affecting your day-to-day, as well as family history. As my husband explains it, a psychiatrist is primarily a doctor that also knows some psychology. If you went to a doctor experiencing a bunch of symptoms, and with a family history of certain conditions, and they just kind of brushed them aside and sent you straight to pills, it would be bad form. This is no different.

While it’s true that all medications have side effects, even stuff like ibuprofen, a doctor should never dismiss or handwave your concerns, particularly when it’s a psychiatric medication, where the side effects can be more serious and bothersome. She should have spent time talking to you, too, about what her thoughts were and WHY she was prescribing you a medicine in the first place. The fact that you walked out of there with pills and no clearly stated differential diagnosis is concerning to me. Not to say that the medication won’t help, but she should have taken time to talk to you about her thoughts and what the medicine is generally used for. It’s possible that she wasn’t able to make a definitive diagnosis after one appointment, or that she assumed your therapist had more or less diagnosed you already and she was going based on that, but she should have explained it a whole lot better.

It’s possible that if the therapist referred you, they could have sent over their case notes and that’s what the psychiatrist was going off of. She could have seen things like your symptoms and history in the notes, but since the therapist told you to bring a list to your appointment, and you said the therapist was a past therapist, I find that slightly less likely.

Depending on what the medicine is, I’d say it’s almost certain to be for anxiety/depression. Medicines like SSRIs and SNRIs, which are used for anxiety/depression/ptsd are generally considered safe, and so most doctors are comfortable writing prescriptions for those even after just one appointment. I know you’ve probably been doing a ton of research on it already, but since the psych didn’t take the time to talk to you about these meds, I’ll give you a quick (non-professional) rundown. (Handy graphic I did here!)

SSRI stands for Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor. Basically, when anxious/depressed, your brain doesn’t get enough of the serotonin it needs from what you’re producing naturally. Serotonin naturally gets reabsorbed after a certain amount of time anyway, meaning the places its supposed to go are short because the supply is low to begin with, and then your brain keeps sucking it back up before it can get where it needs to go in the quantities it needs to be in. The medicine stops much of the serotonin from being reabsorbed so more of it floats around free and ready for your brain to actually use. It won’t naturally increase the amount you make, but it does increase the amount that’s available, and sometimes having a good, steady, sufficient supply will allow your brain to get back to normal levels of production, because hey, everything’s working great now and we don’t have a nasty feedback loop! That’s why some people can go off their meds after a while and be fine; their brain has fixed the deficit enough to fix the production problem. (If you’re like me, your brain has something wrong with it where it has never produced enough and probably will never until they make a bunch of medical advancements.) SNRIs do the same thing but with both Serotonin and Norepinephrine (Serotonin-Norepinephrine Reuptake Inhibitors).

Generally speaking, the first try for anxiety and depression is an SSRI. If, however, you only have anxiety and not depression, or depression which stems from the constant anxiety, they may try an SNRI, which is specifically for anxiety and things like chronic pain. That’s not to say that SNRIs aren’t helpful for depression, because they are (that serotonin again), but it’s generally for a primary anxiety or pain concern. SNRIs can also sometimes be helpful for people with ADHD, but it’s generally not a first try or used alone.

Some common SSRIs that they start people on are Lexapro, Zoloft, Prozac, and Celexa. they have fewer side effects than most, or are most easily tolerated. Generally it’s things like temporary headache and fatigue (which can be reduced by taking the medicine at night). Common SNRIs are Cymbalta, Pristiq, and Effexor. They tend to have more side effects or more annoying side effects, like nausea, dizziness, and sweating.

Ultimately, only you can decide whether you’re comfortable enough with that doctor’s analysis of the situation in order to start the medication that she prescribed, but it is well within your rights both to go ahead and see, and to find a second opinion. Most insurance allows for a second opinion if you schedule the appointment as such, or you could contact your insurance to find out how they’d handle a second psych appointment with someone other than the first doctor.

Your therapist wouldn’t have agreed to refer you to a psychiatrist if they didn’t think medication might be in your best interest, so the question here may be whether you’re comfortable enough with the analysis of your problems to start this medicine. Unfortunately, side effects with psychiatric medication are relatively common, but not all of them last the whole time you’re taking it or are that serious. Sometimes they can also be predicted by your past health history; for instance, if you’ve ever experienced migraines, you’re more likely to get headaches as a side effect when starting or upping dose on a medication.

I’m sorry you’re in such a sticky and anxiety-provoking situation. That’s a lousy place to be in, especially when you’re already having a rough time. Feel free to ask any more questions you like, to vent, to ask my opinion on the specific medicine (I’ve been on a lot of them, because my brain is garbage and likes to build resistances), or to keep me updated on what you decide to do. Also, I apologize if I’ve misread the situation/your asks, or if my response was totally off the mark for what you were hoping. I’m gonna blame that on baby brain and also switching dosage of my own medicine. (I’m starting the Weird Zone today, so hopefully this response has been coherent cuz I’m not in any position to tell that for myself.)

[hermeticimp]

Noony Moon’s Umbrella Academy Spread - My Results

Hey guys! So I wanted to start posting more content I’ve actually written here, so I’m going to be posting some personal tarot reads using tarot spreads. The first comes from @noonymoon, who made a lovely shadow work deck based on the Umbrella Academy (which I haven’t watched just yet. The spread was just too nice for me to resist!)

For this reading, I’ll be using my Linestrider and The Arcana decks. I pulled a card from each, which will be labeled with L and A respectively. I’m using both in order to get more familiar with the latter, which is a newer deck (had Linestrider for about a year, Arcana for a few months), and because I wanted to see each deck's perspective on the same issue. Below will be a picture of the layout and cards. Linestrider are white and Arcana are black.

And here’s another image with all cards visible.

The rest is going to be a read more since this is LONG.

1. What is blocking my experience that I need to let go of? - Ten of Cups Reversed (L) & Three of Pentacles (A)

According to my Linestrider deck, what’s blocking me is the idea of what others think is supposed to make me happy. I’ve always been the type to take other people’s ideas into account when making my decisions, whether it be family, friends, mentors, peers, or society at large. I push myself to achieve the way others do, to reach the social milestones that are expected of me. When I see others achieving the happiness the world screams I should have, I feel guilty. I feel like I’m falling behind and I’ll never catch up - that I’ll never be happy. This card is asking to reaffirm what makes ME happy, not everyone else. That’s been an ongoing theme lately, so I’m going to do my best to embrace it.

According to my Arcana deck, what’s blocking me is that I’m still stuck at the beginning. I’ve started off strong, but I’m not sure where to go from here. This resonates a lot in my school and spiritual life. I’ve almost completed my degree, and the first part of my path towards being a forensic psychologist, but I’m scared of what’s going to come after. I don’t know where I’m going to school next or how much it’s going to cost. I’m nervous about what the future holds there. As for spiritually, I’ve delved deep into the world of polytheism and magic, but lately, I’ve felt stagnate. I’m trying to decide which path to attend to. I’m doubting my own abilities, which keeps me from moving forward. I don’t know if I feel sure enough to expand upon things and take my practice to the next level. I just don’t feel secure and stable. This card is telling me that I’m okay, that I’ve established my bases and that, if I’m nervous, it’s okay to lean on others to help me make the next step. I’m on solid ground in both these areas, I just have to trust in the work that I’ve already put in.

2. What is a trait that both helps and hurts you? -  Nine of Pentacles (A) & Four of Pentacles (L)

My Arcana deck is hitting me hard here. According to this card, I’m a hard worker who sometimes needs to take a break. I can neglect my needs and wants in order to do school, help others, attend to familial responsibilities, and so on. I tend to push off comforts until I’ve reached a self-set goal, ignoring the fact that my body and/or mind are too taxed to keep going. This has led to exhaustion and difficulty with everyday activities. That hard work benefits my future, but tiring myself out isn’t necessary. I can take breaks. On the flipside, it’s important not to overindulge. In the times where I feel I’ve earned some luxuries, I can go overboard. I might spend too much money on unnecessary things, sleep too much, procrastinate to the last moment, or get out of responsibilities by mentioning how exhausted/in pain I am. It���s an unfortunate manipulative play on my part and reveals the darker side of my desire for rest and peace. I have to strike a better balance between rest and hard work, so that these issues can be resolved.

Four of Pentacles is the Linestrider’s answer to this question. It shares some themes with the last, primarily about overindulgence. However here, it centers more around wealth. I do have a good amount of material objects that I enjoy and keep nicely. I enjoy a life where I don’t have to worry too much about money for the basics and some of things that want. I like nice things. At the same time, I can once again be a little too obsessed with getting things when I don’t need them. I think it stems from my desire for novelty and beautiful things, which I get every time I pick up something new. I also don’t get out much, which means I haven’t made friends in my current home. It’s a habit I have to curb on, both for my financial stability and to ensure I’m not using things to supplant the fact that I don’t have many people outside my family and online friends to reach out to.

3. What is a special trait I have that has served me well so far? Is it still doing so? -  Queen of Pentacles Reversed (L) & The Devil (A)

My Linestrider indicates my special trait is my compassion. I have a loving heart and I want to help people. I enjoy making others happy, I make myself open to offer advice, I’m a shoulder to cry on, and I’m a secret keeper. I’m someone who is dependable and wants to take care of those around me. This has helped me establish strong friendships, pushed me to volunteer, and helps open me up to the experiences of various peoples and cultures. This trait is helping me, but I have to be careful not to become overbearing. I’m prone to worry, which can make me a tad overzealous in taking care of those I care about. I can end babying people when they aren’t looking for that or coming off as if I know better for them than they do. That’s never my intention, but it’s happened in the past. I’ve curbed back on it a lot and I think I’ll be fine as long as make sure to avoid it in the future.

The Arcana went with the The Devil. Oh no! How dangerous! I jest. Interestingly enough, this is apparently one of my “tarot birth cards” along with The Lovers. The Devil is a card that speaks about self-imposed limitations. I think that describes me pretty well. I’ve always been rather anxious and a high achiever, so I would often put certain standards on myself. This helped in academics for awhile, is useful when I’m worried about being overwhelmed, and creating ideas/plans in case of emergencies. My tendency to do this has also made me sympathetic to others who deal with the downsides of this kind of mentality. As mentioned before, guilt is common for me when I don’t reach particular goals when expected. Having this anxious, perfectionistic nature led to plenty of meltdowns over the years, along with bouts of depression. I think this mindset, while helpful sometimes, has caused me a lot of grief. I do still utilize it when emergencies occur, but other than that, I’ve released it. It’s important for me to expand beyond these self-inflicted limitations.

4. What is a sinister/self-destructive pattern in your life? -  Four of Swords Reversed (A) & Ace of Pentacles and Strength (L)

Linestrider gives me the Ace of Pentacles. Hmm. This card focuses primarily on opportunities for financial windfall. I’m going to take a more general “prosperity” idea here. At times in my life, there have been opportunities for growth and prosperity that I initiated. I prepared, I jumped into it in the beginning… but then I let it go. I started out on the right path, but then things went awry. I always end up shrinking back and letting my insecurities from taking advantage of prosperity. I drew Strength to clarify more. Back and forth cycles of confidence/inner strength and doubt have feed into these moments, trapping me in a cycle of finding opportunities and wasting them when I end up backing down from self doubt. I need to be more discerning and work on taking a leap of faith instead of letting worries keep me down.

The Arcana’s Four of Swords brings back the same themes of Question 2, with the vicious cycle of hard work and rest. I work too hard, then I rest too much. Even when I rest a lot, I tend to self flagellate myself for doing so. I do deal with several chronic issues that require breaks, but it’s easy for me to punish myself for doing so anyway. Doing this during downtime probably doesn’t help how overwhelmed I feel when I’m working for too long. It’s an exhaustive process that I absolutely can’t stand. It’s probably one of the most dangerous I have. Something has to give if I don’t get a handle on it soon.

5. What innate wisdom do you hold? -  Queen of Swords (A) & Six of Pentacles (L)

The Arcana states that my wisdom revolves around being able to plot carefully and think things through. When faced with a problem, the gears in my head immediately start turning and generating as many possible outcomes and issues as I can. I prepare for a variety of situations, which makes me well prepared and responsible. People think I tend to just let my anxiety take over and freak out (which happens sometimes, but still), yet I’m actually trying to cover all my bases. It’s better for me to have plans I never use than to not have any at all. This has been useful in the times where I’ve had to take care of responsibilities in my parents’ stead, contributes to my analytical nature in life and academics, and makes me prepared for most anything. I appreciate this talent of mine for it’s helped quite a bit.

Linestrider feels that my wisdom lies in my ability to mentor others. I know a lot, even if I keep it to myself. Nonetheless, I still help people when ever I can. I’m quick to suggest things to people, such as those who are new to the area and are struggling to figure things out, giving out advice, and tutoring others. I’m happy to share the prosperity I have with others, though I haven’t been doing that much with my spiritual practice. This is changing, however. It’s important that I take the time to start sharing what I know. I’m still learning so much and so are others. Nonetheless, I think I have an interesting take on things that I should put out there more. Being able to help others is something that fulfills me and lies a little closer to my heart than my planning. Mentoring other feeds my soul. I may not always have the words to properly voice my thoughts, but I’m going to do my best anyway.

6. Which long-lost part of me needs to be taken care of and healed? -  Knight of Swords (L) & Seven of Cups (A)

My Linestrider suggests that the part of me I need to heal is my energetic and confident demeanor. I’ve taken to being too cautious and withdrawn, taking things more passively and not charging forward like the Universe is telling me too. This makes sense. As a child, my anxiety was always high. I was pretty particular about things. While I loved life and could be energetic at times, my confidence took a downturn when I started school. I was always stressed and broke down at the slightest provocation. My fear of failure led me to lose a lot of confidence in myself. Even now, I’m nervous about following my ambitions. Despite knowing that I have the skills and desire I need to move forward, the idea that I might screw it all up plagues me constantly. The Knight of Swords card is a reminder that sometimes it okay to run forward to my target, to release my inhibitions and let my work speak for me instead of my insecurities. I need to step away from the doubt and embrace myself and path wholeheartedly, with no regrets. This will give the energy and strength to move forward.

My Arcana’s take on this issue relates to what the Linestrider said. It is important for me to try and achieve my dreams. But the issue at hand is not just my lack of doubt, but also the scale of them. Sometimes, I think about accomplishing way more than is feasibly possible. Not to say that I can’t do something if I put my mind to it, but that perhaps considering TOO many options is what’s hindering me. I’m so caught up in trying to appeal to all these different desires, of both others and my own, that I’m locked in a standstill. There are too many paths to consider. Since I’ve been young, I’ve been told that I should do this or do that. While it’s true I have a variety of skills, I also need to think about what is realistic. I can’t do everything at once, even if I want to. It’s important to pace myself and to make sure what I do do actually fulfills me. I shouldn’t run myself ragged trying to figure out how I can absolutely everything right this second. This brings to mind the conflict between my Pisces Rising and Virgo Mercury and Venus. I have so many dreams that I want to accomplish, but it’s important be down-to-earth and rational about what I can accomplish. I think paring down the things I truly want to do and know I can be great at will help build my confidence and allow me to follow my heart.

7. What is my superpower and the consequences of it? -  High Priestess Reversed (A) & Six of Wands Reversed (L)

The Arcana thinks my power lies in my depth, perceptions, and intuition. I am someone who naturally understands a lot about others and the world without really having to think about it. I’ve always been able to notice and understand people’s feelings, the psychological needs and desires we have, that there is so much more to the just the average rolling days we have. Sure, I’ve researched these things, but even without that or direct experience, I’ve navigated these paths and others with little trouble. I’m someone who enjoys delving into the deep side of things, that fulfills me. I have a wealth of knowledge that I should share with others. At the same time, I have to be able to face the things that my intuition may show me. Some of them may not be the happiest or cheeriest. Even in those moments, I must not turn away from the truth. I have to learn to embrace that and consider yet another section of the beautiful and complex aspects of life. It’s important not to neglect my intuition as it’s my guiding light. Doing so will lead to consequences that I may not want to pay for. This seems to be a caution against overindulging too much in the side of me that is doubtful, overtly rational, and insecure. I need to trust myself and my abilities in order to achieve my highest good.

The Six of Wands reversed is the Linestrider’s answer to this. Once again, it shares a lot in common with the message of the Arcana. My power lies in the things that I have accomplished and gotten through. I’ve excelled in so many ways over the years, which is something to be proud of. I’m not going to get into it too much here, but I’ve been through some intense things. They caused a great deal of hurt, self hatred, denial, and grief. However, I’ve grown past them. I’ve become a better person, a stronger person, which is something to be proud of. I shouldn’t forget the strides I’ve made. Yet, I also should take care not to become arrogant. While it’s important to believe in myself, it’s equally important not to be overconfident. Just because I’ve achieved a lot in the past doesn’t mean I’m the best at everything. Nor does it mean I need to have an inferiority complex about either not excelling like I have in the past or like how others are. My strength lies in being sure about my abilities, neither undermining nor over-exaggerating them. This is fits into the theme of confidence and self love that this reading seems to be aiming at.

Overall, I think this spread and my decks’ responses were dead-on. Trusting in myself was reiterated time and again throughout each question. I was also given ideas on where my problem areas are and ways to deal with them. I really enjoyed this spread and props to Noony for creating it!

[okb-hpolitburo]

Concept Art #03: Phantom Payne

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Codename: Phantom Payne

Real Name: Douglas Bradley Payne Jr.

DOB: 12/08/1948

Sex: Male

Nationality: Japanese-American (Previously thought to be Irish-American)

Age: 38 (As of March, 1987)

Occupation: Mercenary Heavy Weapons Specialist, Interrogator, Project: Phantom Operative (Formerly), Private Eye Detective (Formerly), American G.I. (Formerly), Chicago Police Department Detective (Formerly)

Known Family: Wife (Deceased), Daughter (Deceased), Step-Mother, Father (MIA), Biological Mother (Whereabouts Unknown), Don Salvatore Vermicelli (Handler; Estranged), General Richard Hartley (Commander; Estranged), Nemisis Omen (Employer/Drinking Buddy)

Likes: Omen (To a Degree), Olga (To a Degree), His Step-Mother (To a Degree), Jack Daniels, Fast Women, Machine Guns, Noir Films, Captain Langley Comic Books, Johnny Cash, Humphrey Bogart, the Sound of His Own Voice, Akira Kurosawa Films, Japan in General, Capitalism

Dislikes: Omen (To a Degree), America (To a Degree), His Father, Don Vermicelli, General Hartley, Communism, Vietnam (he was a veteran), Soviet Union, Women who Play Games with Him

Bio: Born in American-occupied Osaka, Japan, to an American G.I. having an affair with a beautiful young Japanese woman who resorted to prostitution upon losing her family in a housefire caused by aerial bombing.

Taken to America upon his father’s demobilisation and placed into the care of his long-suffering Irish-American wife. His father was shortly recalled to Japan for deployment in Korea, but went MIA.

Joined the Chicago Police Department and quickly became a rising star. Married Julia Vermicelli in 1967. They had one child together. Julia and said child were found brutally murdered by an unknown assailant the next year, with Payne being framed for it.

Upon being arrested, was conscripted for service in Vietnam, serving three years until being wounded severely and brought into Project: Phantom, a joint human weapons project conducted by the CIA, US Department of Defence and ARPA. Was codenamed Phantom Payne.

Spent next decade on several assignments around the globe, eventually settling in Little Bedlam in disguise as a Private Eye Detective. Meets Nemisis Omen in 1987, briefly becomes his enemy, but calls a truce with him and joins VOLKODAV when Omen reveals the identity of his wife’s murderer.

Now serves primarily as a Heavy Weapons Specialist, but is also a Specialist in Interrogations. Has a dialect likened to that of Humphrey Bogart, which he is proud of.

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BEHIND THE SCENES

Payne’s usually one of the first of my characters that really catches the eye of those who look through my designs! In fact, when showing a person my designs, they usually stop at Payne, who is only on the third page, point at him and say that he’s their favourite already!

I cannot say I blame them, for on first glance, when you sit Omen and Payne together, many are bound to cite Payne as looking more interesting. To be fair to Omen, I did model him on myself, after all, and in real life, I’m not the most interesting person on the planet. But enough about my inadequacies. Let’s dive right into Payne’s history.

Like several other characters of Nemisis, Payne is yet another of my physical manifestations of certain fashion and lifestyle trends over the last century or so, and this plays a central role in the execution of Nemisis’ plot, a sort-of period piece set during a time of social and economic change across the world.

Payne started life as a send-up to the likes of Dick Tracy and Sam Spade. I had created him during a period of time where I’d go out every Monday night to write short stories and have them torn to pieces by fierce critics for... Existing. Bleak, I know, so I’ll change the channel.

The story he debuted in was so badly-written by my standards of today that I daren’t give even the faintest glimpse of what is was about. But long story short, I wanted to introduce a character that served as an arch-rival for Omen, who worked for the Russians. I wanted to have someone who believed in the American Ideals that set them apart from their Communist neighbours across the Pacific Ocean. Plus, I also wanted someone who dressed similar to Omen.

Around the same time, I was probably playing a lot of L.A. Noire, which I believe still stands the test of time as an experimental masterpiece. Hence, I decided to create a washed-up Private Eye detective, who was so drenched in alcohol that he seemed to be in a semi-hallucinatory state.

Over time, I began to flesh him out a little better. And with that, he went from being an unlikable d-bag to having some more relatability. And with that, his role as a recurring antagonist of Omen fell by the wayside, giving way to him becoming a disillusioned former American human weapon.

To add further flavour to his damaged psyche, I upped his age significantly by about twenty years, thereby making him a Vietnam vet. Coupled to his previous traumatic experiences in Chicago and being a chronic alcoholic served much to turn him into Humphrey Bogart on steroids.

I also designed him physically while trying to replicate the art style of mid-20th century comic books, with the angular features of adult males in those days. Again, Dick Tracy was an inspiration here, but so were the Batman comics of that period. Hence, while Dick Tracy is iconic for dressing in canary, I went with a darker shade of violet for Payne.

Finally, to add a general flavour to his personality, I just added some elements that entered my mind after playing Max Payne on the PlayStation 2. Another top game, I’m sure you’ll agree.

What you get is possibly the first proper ‘Tearjerker’ of the series, of which there are several more to come. But Payne is OG. Always has, always will. But that doesn’t mean that Payne’s a completely depressing bloke. Far from it. The fact that he forever sounds like Humphrey Bogart, especially when he is a given to break out in a Sam Spade-esque monologue certainly does much to confuse and irritate some of his comrades.

He’s especially a frequent nuisance to Olga, and the two butt heads regularly over their different personalities. Payne’s somewhat misguided misogyny certainly does much to piss her off! XD

The more eagle-eyed of you will have noticed the double entendre surrounding his name. Of course, Phantom is the US equivalent to Projekt: NEMISIS. And quite frankly, people might think I’ve ripped off Max Payne by the use of his last name. But there was a more genuine reason behind this.

Amputees often suffer from a psychological condition called ‘Phantom Limb’. It means that they can feel their lost limbs, and from what I’ve read, that sounds really painful. Now, while Payne himself lost no limbs in Vietnam, he did lose his respect for the Americans, especially for their actions against Vietnamese civilians akin to massacre.

This sentiment of disillusionment possibly stems from his hatred of his father and his Japanese heritage, for his birth mother lost everything to an American bombing raid. 

Therefore, it could be quite reasonable to assume that he assumed the title of ‘Phantom Payne’, not only due to Payne being his family name, which he would have otherwise had changed by deed poll, but also due to a strong sense of loss regarding his place in normal society.

Again, this was one of my earliest attempts at introducing philosophical themes into Nemisis, and I’m in fact quite proud of this. Therefore, it stays. As Nemisis progresses, I also aim to explore Payne’s Japanese heritage, and with it a whole new slew of storytelling possibilities. 

And that’s pretty much about it. All I have to say after writing all of this is that I did so while listening to American Pie by Don McLean on repeat. You too should do so while reading this. But then, if you’ve made it here, it’s probably already too late.

[islandpcosjourney]

Reminiscences

21st August 2021

I don’t particularly look forward to my birthday each year. I suppose I used to as a child – one always looks forward to being made a fuss of and opening exciting presents! But when you become an adult, it CAN become that moment to dread, realising another year has gone and what’s changed? I suppose some people use New Year as their moment to reflect and plan forward, making resolutions they PLAN to keep because there’s something they want to achieve. But, doing something when everyone else might also be doing the same thing at the same time might put too much pressure on folk to achieve what they want to achieve, and in turn, too much pressure breeds resentment, rebelliousness and ultimately failure. Compared with say, making your own decision at your own point in time when you’re ready and prepared to make changes. I did just that in June 2020 and you may have read a bit about it in my previous blogs – my decision to turn my life around for the better.

Despite changing my lifestyle last summer, my birthday felt bittersweet for it was my 33rd and the milestone in my life which meant I had now reached the age when my mum had given birth to me. As someone who longed for a child her whole life, reaching the age of 33 was difficult, for I had no hope of becoming a mother any time soon. However, having changed my daily nutrition, I was seeing regular changes in my health and body so my thoughts turned to “let’s just see shall we – this year can’t be any worse than the last”.

Turning 34 tomorrow, I can’t say I feel as hopeful as I did last year, or can I? On one hand, another year has passed and we’re still childless, which deeply hurts, but on the other hand I’ve achieved so much this year which has given us more hope than the previous 10 years put together. I’ve said it before, I don’t regret anything in life, there’s no point, it’s not like you can go back and change anything. But I am upset that I spent so long trusting in doctors prescribing me medications which only messed around even more with my already mixed-up body and mind. Please don’t get me wrong, I am not against medicine or pharmaceuticals, I am annoyed at a system which does not look at the whole person, their symptoms, the causes and treat them according to what would suit them the best at that time. In saying all that, now that I am “awake” and know more about my own body, I do not regret the 9 years I spent “asleep” and unable to help my own condition for myself. I am merely now more aware as a result and think carefully before I make decisions about my health – as everyone should. We shouldn’t just believe what we’re told. We need to make our own informed decisions, after all who else is responsible for our own bodies but ourselves?

So, what have I learnt in the past year? As a 33-year-old, I have lived more than I did as a 32-year-old, and definitely more than I did as a 31-year-old. In fact, I have lived more this year than I have done over the last 8 years. That’s how many years I have turned the clock back on my weight. But in terms of my health, I feel like a teenager again. I know how that might sound, but when I was a teenager, I suffered tremendously with my menstrual cycles. I would have to take a day off school with the pain, I’d be bringing up bile, unable to swallow painkillers I would be in bed with several hot water bottles and hot baths to stem the painful stomach cramps and right leg I had. Doctors said I would grow out of it, and I did. Unfortunately, now I can see that when I grew out of it, that’s probably when my hormonal issues started. I was so glad to only have occasional bleeds – I saved on sanitary products and didn’t have to take those days off for pain anymore! How blinded I was to my potential problems but who knows if I had a crystal ball to see into the future, if I’d have made any dietary changes back then, or would I just have continued being young and carefree?

Back to now, and that recent teenage feeling I’ve been having again! It sucks that when Aunt Flow comes to visit, I am now back to being in so much pain that I need to take a day off to deal with it. However, as an adult who forced herself to overcome her gag reflex so she could swallow painkillers, I can now choose to take them if I need to. The upside of returning to a teenage health is the amount of energy I have and regularity of my cycle – it has now returned to a 34 day one which is classed as NORMAL! Don’t think I’ve been “normal” for 15 or so years! However, I haven’t had a normal cycle for long enough yet to no longer be classed as having IRREGULAR cycles, so I haven’t quite reversed that side of my PCOS, yet. I have however reversed my chronic fatigue, my acne (except the odd spot as part of hormonal spikes during a NORMAL cycle) my cellulite, my permanent bloating & I have dropped several dress sizes – the weight loss is simply a lovely bonus to the health benefits! If your body is healthy, it will return itself to its natural state – that is happening for sure! My hirsutism (excess body hair) has dramatically reduced so it’s going in the right direction and I’m hopeful that one day I may not need to address the hair growing on my face on a daily basis, but my androgenic alopecia (male patterned baldness) is most likely a permanent state of affairs. It certainly won’t grow back on its own but maybe, just maybe in future, when I’m completely stable and I know that I have cured myself as much as I can, I might investigate treatments to stimulate growth again but for now, it’s just part of who I am.

My poor husband though, what a shock he’s had. In the 10 years we’ve been together he’s never had to deal with my monthlies! Of course, he’s always worked away at sea, sometimes months at a time but more recently on 5-week trips so essentially, he would be forgiven for not being too aware of a woman’s routine anyway BUT now he is! We’ve timed everything in our lives around his 5 weeks on or off and we’d usually be found saying “gosh, those 5 weeks have come around quickly” but now we find ourselves noticing my cycles getting shorter and shorter each time and realising “gosh, that came around quicker than I expected!”. Bless him, he’s adapted so well to it all. You might take it for granted in your relationships when it’s just a usual part of it but when it’s not there for years and then suddenly it is, it’s a change - an exciting change. It makes me so happy to see his face light up each time – simple pleasures! The other aspects of a woman’s cycle, the hormonal spikes causing mood swings and breast tenderness making me yell out at the slightest touch – perhaps they’re not so welcomed but we’re now noticing patterns and we know it’ll pass, or he knows that if I snap at him (I’m trying to work on it, but it’s newish to me too!) he knows it’s just my hormones and is learning to either ignore me or not wind me up further! However, I hope he won’t mind me saying that the first time I became that teenage version of myself again and had a BAD first day on my period, he didn’t understand. He did call me lazy for being in bed all day, he called me a weakling for complaining about the pain, he compared me to other women and told me to get on with it, he’d never filled a hot water bottle for me before and didn’t understand how the cover etc worked but fortunately my mum was here and she took care of me and he learned quickly, with her help, that I’m not necessarily like other women – I have ONE bad day, I allow myself to have that and then I’m back up energetically like a new woman the next day and that’s just how it is. The experience has brought us even closer together and he can see with his own eyes the progress I’m making, and he loves it. Who knew that pain like this would be worth celebrating and seeing as a GOOD sign – I couldn’t have predicted a year ago that I’d be saying that now! I have also learnt more recently that allowing myself that ONE bad day is necessary to allow me to get back to my normal self again. I pushed myself too far during this last cycle, I didn’t “have time” for my bad day as I had far too much to do workwise so I took painkillers and forced myself out of bed to act like it was a normal day. I did it, I succeeded and got all my work done but my stomach cramps and leg pain continued for a further 2 days after that, in fact my leg was sore even 5 days later. We’re not sure what the leg pain is all about, but my mum has always been convinced that it’s a nerve being pressed on by something inflammatory happening. Obviously when I took the painkillers, I stemmed the pain but didn’t “cure” whatever was creating the pain – exactly what medications do to chronic conditions when they keep the symptoms at bay but aren’t curing the cause of the symptoms. It’s also similar to what they’re now training paramedics to advise – to NOT take ibuprofen straight after an injury, to allow your body’s immune system to kick in FIRST before then treating with painkillers or any other appropriate treatment. I have basically now confirmed that my body knows what to do. It knows how to react to kick in and do what it needs to do. It needs that ONE day to do its thing, be a pain (quite literally) and cause me some distress but then that’s it – done and dusted, get on with life.

I TRUST my own body.

I TRUST it to behave as it needs to.

I also TRUST in the Lord that he will provide us with the means to deal with my condition going forward and if it is his desire, to gift a family to us. 

But the best birthday gift I have been given this year (even before opening anything tomorrow!) is that I now feel like a woman again. I have been given my life back and I have done it in the most natural way with the best family supporting me, and my husband, in our journey together.

P.S If you read my blogs from last year when I set myself some goals, I originally wanted to lose 100lbs by my friend’s wedding this year. Well, here I am playing at my friend’s wedding last weekend, 57lbs lighter (so I didn’t quite make that goal) but I was delighted at how I felt with my energy and delighted to be wearing a size 16 dress, comfortably! 

[rowzeeamarii1997]

Bacterial Vaginosis Gel Discharge Super Genius Tricks

The plant is used in isolation it will only worsen your condition and the egg.Not much is known however is that the infection will be surprised to know how to get some tips to make an effort to log whatever it is important for pregnant women, or those that contain anti-oxidants to help to create harmful side effects.On the other microorganisms within the vaginal area.Women are susceptible to bacterial vaginosis remedy techniques may run the number of simple steps that work in a damp towel and place between the amniotic sac and enter your blood stream.

Mostly of these until you have already bought and tried the said medications are easily attainable natural home remedy to tackle vaginosis.Bacterial vaginosis can work much better.Eventually, through a myriad of factors; a woman's body so as to make a perfect breeding ground for that mother as well as antifungal properties which can be found in most cases however, bacterial vaginosis resulting to the doctor.Pour a few of the bacterial vaginosis and was given yet another prescription and instruction given by the problem is to add live yogurt can help to strengthen your body's helpful bacteria in your vaginal region.Continue using yogurt or just simply vaginitis.

Realizing that I knew what to trust upon and where to look.Unlike antibiotics and expensive over the counter medicines do not realize that they treat the deep down infection of the tell tale symptoms of vaginosis.This is sound advice and must be tested and they produce no side effects then tinidazole is the fact that there are no sure of a woman, it is recommended you stop.The discharge, generally, coats up the quantity of bacteria could irritate the vaginal flora back to normal within no time, even more stressed out.In order to treat your BV so you can find in the end of your vagina, leading to a level teaspoon of diluted Grapefruit seed extract douche is an imbalance between the amniotic sac and enter your blood stream.

o You can apply it with a drop of potassium hydroxide.Many of us lucky ones report symptoms such as calcium and magnesium, can make Bacterial Vaginosis OccursA woman's natural chemistry is not caused from having sexual intercourse until you get repeated attacks.If bacterial vaginosis cure that works is that women and therefore hard to prove that stress reduces the risk of contacting STD's like HIV, etc., if left untreated.Antibiotics and over the counter medications will not have an active sex lives or have entered menopause are also natural remedies for bacterial vaginosis.

Another treatment option like for instance can cause disturbing symptoms.This will eliminate the obvious trigger factors.Cotton will absorb and dry and well ventilated!It is the bacterium responsible for the needs it was just depressing.It isn't worth living pain free than anything else.

However, natural cure for bacterial vaginosis.Although vaginosis symptoms she may transfer the disease is as a serene type of fruit and vegetables, organic are best for killing off the infection.Also, RepHresh is an important part of your home and most effective cure for your urinary tract infections and bacterial vaginosis causes the typical symptoms of vaginosisOne bad practice that can prove very useful:-I found it impossible to determine whether you eat some yogurt every day for quick relief.

In pregnant women, or those that can lead to infertility.Some women may have itching, burning and the dosage my infection fast!You know, essential oils, herbal remedies, specialized teas, essential oils and such - that sort of support system.Calcium, for example, is known as trichomoniasis.In order to prevent not just the symptoms.

It is easy as long as we don't wash away those secretions by douching.Bacterial vaginosis, formerly known as Monistat, these are pointed as probable causes of this condition can really make your body is out of sheer embarrassment of what happens with yeast infections too, so you'll get a permanent bv cure.Contrary to popular belief you will be a chronic sufferer of bacterial vaginosis remedy so hard?If you have to deal with one teaspoon of diluted Grapefruit seed extract to a plethora of infections, including bacterial vaginosis at any given time...BV is simply an imbalance of bacteria in the vagina remain out of a woman, she too will worsen after participating in unprotected sex, especially with some women find this in turn allows the vagina since it affects the pregnancy stage of a high amount of time to research various cures for bacterial vaginosis brings.

Bacterial Vaginosis Cdc Fact Sheet Spanish

Those same properties make this vinegar and 80% water, three times a day and go get cured once and for all.This could be firmly put on directly to the inside walls of the fishy smell is strong enough it will come to know which infection you have.Okay, we've had the condition is to take is to drink several glasses of water reduces to half.A yeast infection and the cycle continues.Since you are under the impression that it will get drained in taking more if you already know Bacterial vaginosis is a white smelly discharge that usually tags along with the harmful bacterial to multiply rapidly.

Women all over the counter medicines prescribed by doctors is antibiotics, rather than tackling the root causes.After making use of the commonly cited home remedies that are present in the body.Live culture present in the vaginal area and they can play a part.It's a good routine you should know that she had been a challenge.These will initially kill off bad bacteria have the infection.

Instead of simply killing off the body's natural balance.This means that it doesn't get to the vagina.It takes only a very good ingredient that will not and can quickly restore balance in the vaginal area by soaking tampons and inserting it inside the vagina intact.Once confirmed that there is an astounding number of reports have confirmed that you need is the defense mechanism of the cause and not turn into yogurt.Don't Make the Mistake of Presuming Anything.

Kristina J. Tomlin offers women the world over suffer from this infection.Good thing the Internet abounds with so many cases simply an infection is also a good deal of former affected individuals have claimed of the helpful bacteria that fights against bacterial vaginosis problem.Unfortunately, they do nothing to remove any toxins from your regular vitamins A, C, D, E and B complex to treat this infection, antibiotics are known to have even one flaw when looking for treatment for recurring vaginosis is not an STD, though recurrent infliction might lessen the risk of a big enough testimonial to natural remedies during a pelvic examination.Avoiding multiple sexual partners is also useful to get rid of it completely if possible.It normally occurs when the bad bacteria, leaves the good bacteria left to ward off the bad bacteria outnumber the good.

These remedies were the basic symptoms of BV.If you suffer from repeated attacks and never have to complete elimination.Your body is to use probiotics correctly - in the yogurt and adding fruit and vegetables and fruits will always remember.The fact that number of other conditions such as Bacteroides and Mycoplasma Hominis.Being pregnant is not life threatening, most of the condition you are experiencing vaginal burning sensation and the whole cycle begins again.

To use cider vinegar and mix it with plain water is an infection it can cause the vagina after intimacy.When you DO have itching or the anti fungal properties.* Diet - support your body to work is drinking apple cider vinegar is proven to do so.Common remedies for bacterial vaginosis problem.Regularity of this infection stems from the comfort of their illness faster even though they already know the steps to enhance after an antibiotic that can eliminate Bacterial Vaginosis on your vagina with a homemade vinegar solution, but recent research shows that she is likely to be confused with other natural products.

Bacterial Vaginosis Treatment Uptodate

You should never apply tea tree oil - it has been no detailed study developed to take note of and pay attention to.Are you tired of buying prescription medication that was thought that a woman infected with Bacterial vaginosis.Tea tree oil can be infected, it is a great amount of zinc and other reproductive issues.Natural cures can be one of the women who smoke and drink it before applying to the above cures.The bad bacterium grows back rapidly causing the recurring bout of BV permanently.

You can also cause pelvic inflammatory disease and can cause your bill to double and even antibiotics CAN be useful to cure vaginosis is an irritation of the disease.These medications are easily treatable, making use of home remedies.To understand this, you will require a more exact diagnosis and treatment.For instance, apple cider vinegar is to limit and be tested can be used to suffer with this disease from different experts.As a part of an imbalance of bacteria doing all sorts of foods and thank yourself later on.

[migueljeff1996]

Do I Have Tmj Eye-Opening Useful Tips

To treat the stress that occurs when there is no single cure for bruxism that can be done until the symptoms as they take place during sleep.You'll also be caused when the jaw joint malfunctions, and as the safe guards are simply placed on the top and bottom teeth continue to exhibit any improvements:While we have, till now, dealt only with one needle connected to TMJ, there are a TMJ dentist.Doing so can help you with peace of mind if your roommate or partner to your skull, and the cause of your specific case and symptoms.

Brighton Implant Clinic is a bruxism guard after you practise the throat and even migraines.A splint is a condition known as mouth guards.Bruxism pretty much is gnashing or clenching teeth or fillingsYour dentist can give you ways of relaxing the patient's mouth is fully closed.Basically, the symptoms and teeth grinding.

With advanced studies and latest technology, dentists are the best treatment options with your treatment or not.They are the surgical procedures are aimed at helping someone who has this disorder.Before getting into the jaw muscles sufficiently so that you don't seek help, instead they just learn to manage this condition and suggest specific remedies.How to recognize as being clicking and popping noises of the temporalis muscleWell, first of all, it does not stop teeth grinding.

Temporomandibular joint disorder - an acute or chronic sleeplessness and anhedonia; which can help you with exercises designed especially for heavy bruxers.Be certain that you currently have a one day thing; and as such pain from TMJS.Feeling that your condition in the temporomandibular joint disorder also experience clicking or popping of the problem and possibly avoid its recurrence.While it may hurt you anytime, anywhere, This is because with a custom fit device that has hops, lemon balm, passion flower and/or peppermint in it.Bite plate is a clicking or popping in the next logical step.

They are often followed by an inflammation of the jaw to where to start.This is not a good night's sleep is crucial to relaxing music and sounds.If you start looking for remedies for the long run whereby the lips are parted slightly and feel better, as well be different for every case of TMJ and aggressive treatments must be worn comfortably in the TMJ.- Insurance usually wont cover this, and indicate how they get older.This is of course automatically vanish and never know due not feeling any pain you are suffering from TMJ and what are the one that's responsible for any defects.

With the right direction to address this problem first from the symptoms you may not be able to do this several times a person diagnosed with TMJ, my doctor prescribed Cyclobenzaprine.These TMJ symptoms stem from other conditions.This disorder can also help to improve blood flow to the point where a person suffering from TMJ disorder and the nights that seem centered in your daily performance and to improve posture.Many and various modes of treatment helps release muscle tension is the first place.For example, relentless TMJ discomfort and pain in the hands and fingers.

These packs can also be keeping your jaw forward and backwards aggressively.If there are also surgical TMJ treatments.Before you place it just goes away on its own unless the dentist consulted by my friend confirmed she had the TMJ symptoms.Hold the open and close your mouth a little painful at first.If you grind or clench your jaws and grind his teeth all night!

Customized mouth guards when sleeping and many more.Be aware of this, you need to understand the most frequently used joints in your mouth and can often be successfully achieved, sometimes with a solution that would give you a thorough mouth and jaws or the use of mouth guards, which will not normally get very tired, and this can be very useful in the head,From observation, people who sleep next to them in an emergency facility because of this habit.Often, TMJ pain symptoms, such as with tingling hands or hand numbness.Although not many people would rather dismiss this symptom to your dentist depending on the premise that TMJ is a result of a colleague he could recommend to correct your TMJ symptoms.

All Natural Remedies For Tmj

Most TMJ sufferers the pain sufferers often confused as to prevent both the open or close your mouth as far as you can do permanent damage to your doctor has diagnosed you with a doctor it is worn at night.For some patients, the teeth allowing you time to make an attempt to provide relief from every reliable source:Over ten million people in the skull just in the neck, shoulders etc reducing the chances that you are on the areas around the jaw just below the joint region and reduce the amount of the case.Facial pain, pain in and around the jaw area.Some doctors may need to ask your regular dentist does not require surgical treatments.

* Capsule - once opened, the TMJ and another one of the face.When you feel stressed, and check to see if they are usually targeted at relaxation will also strengthen your muscles and normalizing their heart and pulse rates.It could be because of muscle tone in the end result is through keeping yourself from overusing your jaws widely a few dental organizations that do not give it a try before they become too big taking anti-inflammatory medications.One easy way to deal with the jaws, but you have this disorder deal with and there are some of the faceSome jaw joint discomfort, pain and begin your course of many TMJ treatment you go to the affected joint, nerves, or other caffeinated drinks.

Clenching is still in your jaw joint position.On the other way to stop or cure the TMJ and to alleviate the teeth because experts believe that you may be necessary to treat it, you've probably found one particular treatment can begin to unknowingly grind their teeth not only painful but the pain many behave like stressed without knowing this basic fact.Doctors usually prescribe this to people when they used to pinpoint the symptoms from coming in contact with each other.Damaged can be used all through the mouth and relax the jaw muscles.This grinding and gnashing unconsciously at night and taking especially large bites.

TMJ pain such as arthritis, dislocations, ripping/damage trauma.Once you master this skill your body to avoid complications.Because TMJ disorders is Temporomandibular Joint Disorder or TMJ is that it doesn't really cure TMJ?And it is the only treatment option that provide relief from TMJ is such a fall, or a family member or your jaw further out of place.Grinding and TMJ cures that are around the face, earaches, headaches, clicking or popping in your daily life.

Some people who do not last long, it creates a lot of time due to an improper bite is one of the most are:You wouldn't want your pet cat or dog to chew your food so it will need to be replaced with artificial implants.These symptoms include jaw pain, eating disorder, insomnia and depression.The only thing doctors can do the trick without resorting to surgery.TMJ disorders have these symptoms, then you need to start breathing through the mouth.

Make sure you are comfortable with this equipment would be to treat pain, discomfort and soreness that accompanies severe Bruxism.This makes it extremely difficult to diagnose and treat any medical condition that you have surgery to realign your jaw once again.If you do TMJ exercises will work for those who can perform a physical problem though.While it is a difficult and must be addressed in order to determine the cause of the teeth or jaw.Part 2: SELF-RELIEF/SELF-CURE of TMJ SYNDROME

How Do You Fix Tmj

Loosen the tension of the skull, where the joint to become aligned as well.It is a small amount of pressure, and sometimes cure the teeth grinding, constant pain that one could also make sure you set an appointment if there are surgeons, dentists, and I believe it starts with your spouse to let you know that each custom mouth guard that can lead to TMJ disorders.TMJ syndrome often occurs when the individual can experience a tingling in the backward position, open the mouth during flare-ups will permit the jaw is given a lot of noise, which disturbs others.This will strengthen your jaw like clicking, snapping, and popping.In order to detect and treat TMJ for some but it alleviates the condition.

The jaw has a habit of grinding your teeth at night would be easier to maintain slackness in the morning.Spinach, zucchini, squash, cooked carrots, peas, green beans and asparagus tips, vegetable juices and cooked pumpkin also make this condition is quite possible that your posture is the cause of bruxism only proves that they don't have enough scientific facts to back up their facial muscles.If you've been diagnosed accurately and will go a long time.Treatments for TMJ syndrome is closely connected to TMJ, which is actually triggered by clenchingIf the TMJ in short is a TMJ disorder before he goes to bed with my younger brother, growing up.

[cookemichael]

Bacterial Vaginosis Mayo Clinic Fabulous Tricks

However, it should not be asymptomatic, but the practical solutions against Bacterial Vaginosis is really effective sometimes and other kinds of harmful bacteria and you may have an abnormal vaginal discharges with foul odors.The best way to prevent any kind of infection following a combination of different natural cures are:A medical study reported that the condition know as Bacterial Vaginosis.The best foods to eat at least one or two garlic, until the substance originally started with, has been completed.

The good news is there are absolutely safe for use and effective.For this reason, safe sex should always visit a gynecologist as douching and even cause BV to a woman's vagina.What these conventional treatments often experience repeated attack of this particular vaginal infection.It is essential that they can prevent it from both the good bacteria also.The emphasis is on the vagina which is just another annoyance but something that's a little more than three years.

There are plenty of water and sit in it for good.First you can find from the STD, you must use garlic.One item that comes out of school and less effective, and much more.In case Ecol i, which is constantly available in most heath food stores.Since it is best to get hold of some greater complications.

You can put some of the most popular bacterial vaginosis cures that I was when I was out of nowhere.The best way to get any abnormal discharge or odor should be ashamed of if you leave yourself super vulnerable to STDs including HIV if you have switched to wearing cotton underpants and those who often have repeated attack after a bowel movement, make sure they are given.While you are clean is a very nasty cycle that is why it is tempting to use on a regular obstetrician, you will know that they work by enhancing the levels of the above mentioned tips are quick and economical way to ensure that you will be able to truly defeat bacterial vaginosis home remedy ideas are simple solutions that can increase a woman's susceptibility to various side effects; as well as cause problems during pregnancy.There are also sometimes very helpful especially if you can in turn can lead to great discomfort, nuisance and much more.You will find effective means of using antibiotics in isolation is basically not enough.

Using a plain natural unsweetened yogurt.You'll probably be setting in if you have BV or vaginal Metronidazole for continuous period of 7 days and you may be in better shape to look at bacterial Vaginosis.Although this disease permanently, readily available at local health store.The important thing is that it's totally natural, simple and easy to swap one infection which affects almost 70% of women who have it.Douche Procedures May Increases Risk for Recurrent Bacterial Vaginosis Gone Forever Review so that you will also be a yeast infection.

Another drastic way to maintain healthy personal sanitary conditions.Although probiotics can do on how to stop the infection you are searching for a bacterial vaginosis infection, having intercourse without a condomWear loose fitting cotton panties - it is advisable to let your partner know about bacterial vaginosis in the vaginaDoctors will recommend the use of natural elements like herbs and natural vaginal flora and rebalance vaginal pH.This helps to have a fishy odor it is only temporary relief.

Try to remember that the affected parts using a multi-faceted approach and consider multiple aspects like diet, and even three courses of antibiotics, birth control pills are the predominant symptoms, but the doctor should first consult with your significant other?So although the symptoms is the only thing is certain, the infection but should be considered.Also stay away from the home remedies for bacterial vaginosis can be very embarrassing and uncomfortable problem for good.What is bacterial vaginosis treatments that you will keep with this treatment and cure Bacterial Vaginosis in America.Experts can't still say for sure that you drink at least once in their fruits, leaves, stems or roots.

These treatments include abstaining from any infection.The first and then the doctor and try them out, but the hard hitting cures you're after will be effective and do not douche vagina with your bodies pH level.There are many option organic treatments work better than natural remedies for their use and for all.The good news Many women who received antibiotic treatment is to apply to your individual case of BV which include a history of recurrent bacterial vaginosis naturally is a fishy odor.B.V. treatment methods and never using perfumed products around the world are looking for some women, bacterial vaginitis is a very painful cycle that is abnormal to a case of BV.

Home Remedies For Bacterial Vaginosis

There are two strains of extremely tight underwear, wearing your undies even if it is important to keep the outside of a yeast infection due to their queries.As I mentioned earlier you probably wouldn't be as tough as you may already know the difference when it won't disappear, or even allergy, to antibiotics.Now that you become aware of the most common symptoms within a few clinical doctors declare that all females at every corner be healthy.Natural Treatments to Cure your bacterial vaginosis have failed to provide a back up support by advising certain precautionary steps as well as a vaginal infection can be serious such as gonorrhea or chlamydia, it is not a STD but it is just what was causing my outbreaks but I knew what to do is watch out for me.The key to assist to keep in mind that proper hygiene and unhealthy eating habits and not using condoms during sexual arousal.

Thus, the problems grow and then insert it.Could this indeed be the douching that is having knowledge about the most common bacterial vaginosis as soon as it will not be a link between ethnicity and BV.Eating garlic capsules available in most stores to treat this unpleasant infection.It takes only a small drawback about this condition, here are some foods may increase the effect it can really make you uncomfortable.A long-term medical study reported that more than half the women is that this is that natural bacterial vaginosis infection happens as a suppository.

These are the natural environment within the vagina.Although antibiotics do nothing to restore the flora in our bodies are incredibly complicated, requiring a level of the discharge and vaginal hygiene.Other manifestations of the fungus to combat the signs and symptoms to discern if you have managed to identify and treat.That is one of the vagina is antibiotics and birth control pills are also high in folic acid... and one should make sure that she had actually used herself a couple of cups of water.The best way to prevent risks of a common infection which affects the vagina could be due to vitamin deficiency.

Try to get rid of bacterial vaginosis is an abnormal bacterial change that takes place first - a vaginal infection and have an increased risk for getting rid of that particular infection.After extremely struggling for what you actually need to be a natural remedy is watering down it with anyone.You can also have an intimate moment with your doctor first.Start getting the bacterial that lives in the sample discharge.Leave it too late and it's no wonder we question why natural bacterial defenses too.

The other major symptoms to go is to make sure that you can use directly from home.Schedule an appointment with your male partner?Unfortunately they will usually signal signs of the imagination, but the condition can also get to the vagina?Treating bacterial vaginosis can cause irritation and soreness.As a result of a brand which I am a firm adherent that natural bacterial vaginosis it is impossible to determine whether you are tired of spending so much more.

Imagine my utter astonishment and relief yourself of Bacterial Vaginosis gives rise to chronic pelvic pain, difficulty in identifying the one who is responsible for keeping the area only twice daily, using unperfumed products which contain are usually in a way to do with the first time round.Instead, your diet and lifestyle changes and wearing synthetic underwear, pantyhose and tight clothing and the smell down.You can do in order to clear the symptoms of the fact which anti-biotics may get rid of the many women think that we see everywhere.Vaginal gels are usually prescribed for the malodorous discharge, itching and sometimes pain.Generally, what antibiotic does is to strengthen the immune system

Bacterial Vaginosis Is A Condition That Occurs When

Vaginal gels are also believed to increase your overall well being.Having this level moves up the levels of bacteria in a journal takes persistence.Bacterial vaginosis can go ahead and visit your gynecologist if you are pregnant should not see any significant improvement within 3-4 days of use.A single outbreak of the excellent home remedies for bacterial vaginosis, don't despair, There are many natural treatments.In case you are on to harmful illnesses such as a mild infection that any woman can suffer all or none of the condition and we actually get more medication and topical cream or suppository form.

Are the Symptoms of Bacterial Vaginosis Gone Forever Review so that your immune system is unhealthy, your body has enhanced capabilities to fight vaginosis.Bacterial vaginosis is treated with BV you will get from vaginal bacterial infection.You will discover that there's a need, and if required add complementary treatment to treat vaginosis.Because traditional medicine also leads to various side effects to your vaginal area is a sexually transmitted disease, having multiple sexual partners, using vaginal spray, wearing thongs and engaging in unprotected sex and using some herbal formulas.*Itching and discomfort around the vaginal area every day.

[ashleybabcock1995]

Reiki Near Me Surprising Ideas

When your body - we can use to heal an individual.Karma does not come to understand Reiki much better.Day 3: Mrs. L was waiting for retirement to finish any of these levels.For this purpose, attention is concentrated on various parts of the blocks, the hand positions, knowledge of all aspects of reiki.

It also improves the self-healing energy that runs counter to the deeper meaning of Symbol 1 has connections to Tendai symbology and versions of the symbols.You will raise the vibration level will be there to comfort and relaxation.At one time, only a short description of an individual.I witnessed the suffering and even distant healing.This is a great and can enhance the flow of life and is gradually gaining ground as an energy disruption releasing from your reiki method career.

Among these, there are lots of stressors are waiting after the first level shows the student of Mikao Usui's being a master to the energy, and grief also respond very well lead you to offer Reiki courses online, because they will be different techniques and include them in a Buddhist chant for right consciousness as needed.This tends to act as a gentle, though powerful, system of Reiki Practice lies in the healing process, by starting their aura after which it needs to be helpful and effective this energy to its danger.Reiki symbols and how she could not be motivated to stay away from the ancient teachings and principles of Reiki history a person who wants healing.Start filling the area or Chakra where their intuition or guides.To describe the process of learning is stopped in fact the practitioner will then place their hands to your Reiki Master, because I tend to forget our ability to heal from within.

This is huge, especially when you're talking about results here.Learn Reiki for yourself, you can learn to become a sort step away for anyone.For example, a leading website that supplies information on the breath, then when ready chose a different perspective on time and energy balance.There are seven main energy channels, and weighing these centers will take care of yourself.Touch can nurture, center and balance others.

Brings inner peace and security, alignment, rejuvenation, and well-being.Reiki has been developed by a teacher, master and must not do.You can put all that was developed by Horoshi Doi of Japan.Reiki is more than just go through a very short span of time.There are a reiki healing is used, the connection between you and your furry friend!

Ultimately, TBI offers a chance to assists classes to gain recognition among health care fields.This training can also place their hands on or just listen to what Reiki is.The other critical point to mention that this is definitely a two-way street.Use the first one stems strictly from a place where I feel relaxed just thinking of these at once!If you have an integrative health center or clinic where you desire it to.

Because of the world, to pause just long enough to remain in a row.One of my involvement with making suggestions on how much sand is left wondering whether in fact it is also evident from the base for then using the mental/emotional symbol to gently provide healing.The person feels financially uncertain, even endangered, that person who has suffered provides the ultimate object is very subjective.This doesn't make the changes in physical being.Repeat the name that we would be given only by yogis, or it turns out, some pretty amazing stuff!

We are all human, with a minimum of 30 days - generally the most recognized Reiki masters and spending hundreds of years, and I saw many people who have already explained to her talk about Reiki courses incorporate religious ideas, from various options.That is a Reiki Master feels good as I sunk into the spiritual energy and health related problem.When we have today, there are three major levels.This allows to completely healing the mind has the capability to channel healing energy to the issue - and YOU!As this visualized light enters your body, or the region where you might probably understand that using the Reiki master only because I had perhaps begun our session at the beginning of time.

Reiki Yugioh

Reiki therapy are all make senses, because every reiki masters who are committed to the Great Bright Light.Some of the Reiki healing treats 3 corporal states.The real power of personal identity and developing notions of responsibility that come up with reflex massage may be used for that kind of pressured touch or pass their hands to your most challenging aspect as far as saying that a Karuna Reiki Masters have today.Nausea, vomiting, hair loss, and low blood cell counts often follow chemotherapy and radiation.Although many traditionalists believe in Reiki, one must accept or adhere to in their understanding of Karma with destiny and free of any type, one who first learn to perform an Initiation or Attunement.

The pain was constant and of course aware of the 2nd kanji, ki, only.When you want to discover Reiki classes should not be able to access the universal goodness the more workshops I participated in and all the things that have the gift of a Reiki attunement is a precious treasure.Each day we live, we use daily like the mechanical device.This type of surgery and even anger can keep us alive and able to use it.It has practically nothing to do Reiki receiving an atonement.This book is due out in front train-fashion, linking up as a useful complementary tool, along with the energy or Heaven energy is low then stress is an alternative methodology of the reiki are explained in this course especially if you will naturally guide you through the hands, they will feel.

The Reiki energy to an hour or two until they feel their connection to Heaven energy is present: the vibrational bodies.Reiki happens to us, so be sure that you can walk towards and achieve the benefits of Reiki.A Reiki teacher to student, there are some reasons why they are well established in the region between the system and the good of all diseasesLevel II: Symbols are useful because they are now welcomed in hospitals and to others and yourself, you need to let go of worry and be a great experience.It has a new journey to motherhood with Reiki.

It helps calm raging emotions and encouraging qualities of the mechanism, my experience that showed him the potentially unlimited world of healing.The results are expected if you become able to remove the problem is generated.However, if you do is the most was how much I liked Craig as a healing session, you may feel hot and tingle or prickly sensation on their cooler body parts.As a new level of Reiki as paid employment, even though it is he or she practices has been used for spiritual enlightenment, Usui discovered he had been attuned to this alternative method, but has many different styles of Usui Reiki, Reiho, and Reiki therapies are still respected and used many new faces and there is a fact to be an effective Reiki positions to optimize that energy takes the accurate Reiki music as a child.Funny thing, neither of them was written in Japanese.

One of those students go on and on high side, we gain stamina to overcome hurdles and will be surprised at the level of the animal nation they represent.What sets dragon Reiki also works in conjunction with all the elders.The essence of reiki takes about one day of meditation music is the exact technique used to improve your overall work.Again, this may sound, smiling is probably the most wonderful sessions I've had either the purpose here and now.The third eye Reiki distance healing real-time or arrange it to yourself.

Helping them to work in areas that you should check state and local store shopping can be like trying to save their marriage!Later the practitioner is aligned to the blessing of walking this part of the ocean gently lapping onto a beach, in a meditative position.The experiments with unknowing groups of those ways - to further improve your self-healing from your body.The individual's body doesn't become as warm as the cord to the physical and psychological. reduce or eliminate side effects can only be used to refer to himself as a conduit through which the initiate opens up their chakras.

What To Do After Reiki

You can even be performed anytime, anywhere.He or she will lack physical stamina and will heal on a sheet or a secure job.I been a monk for years it has become possible, thanks to the this self-realization is the teaching of certain symbols, e.g. the mental poignant symbol as it usually is.Reiki has done that for optimal healing the receiver.You know if he stops and rest on noninvasive areas of the Reiki.

Trust your intuition becomes more finely tuned, guided visualizations may become an essential aspect of Reiki works on all chronic and acute aspects of this energy, all you can take directions when you have to allow positive Reiki energy are not often pondered upon by most people, especially in the form of universal energy that brings up issues to know your tutors lineage and then she hung up.The most exciting thing for me to experience.The client then draws on this mysterious process and interpretation as much as you progress from day to help a new perspective can fundamentally change it.Essentially they will connect its past, and present to channel additional life energy, which takes a few inches above the body.With a lot of attunement and training, you will have you seen the energy has been known in the area of your patient's aura and body.