#which...often contain useful and sympathetic advice

[sixth-light]

I have had these thoughts bubbling away in my head for like...eighteen months or so now (it will become very obvious why shortly) but the discussion in this post has pushed me to write them down: I think societally we HUGELY underestimate how motherhood for primary caregivers, particularly first-time motherhood, can be a source of vulnerability to radicalisation.

There is obviously huge cultural variance here, but for a lot of cis women becoming primary caregiver to an infant in a capitalist Western society represents a time of immense vulnerability because in general you are:

Incredibly sleep-deprived (which has well-documented knock-on effects for your judgement, mental health, etc)

If you gave birth, recovering from a significant challenge to your physical health (even in the best-case scenario)

Isolated from your previous networks and communities of people in full-time work

Completely separated from the context of your prior career goals and achievements

Under huge amounts of stress to learn how to care for an infant (don't get me started on breastfeeding)

And on top of this, you are also be experiencing a huge amount of messaging about how all this is natural, wonderful, something you're meant to do, something you should love doing, and something that you must do for the welfare of their child. It's a huge amount of pressure and life change even when everything goes right and there's very little cultural space to express negative feelings about it.

Any group of people who offer community, support, and affirmation to cis women in this situation are going to have a really good shot at radicalising them into some very weird and dangerous headspaces and in fact we see this happen all the time - think antivaxxers and TERFs. It flies under the radar because of the hazy positive glow that associates with motherhood and babies and also because we don't take the radicalisation of women seriously I guess because they rarely shoot anybody, but...yeah. It is such a vulnerable time!

[seoracle]

DRIVERS LICENSE; i

Pairing: Bang Chan x Idol! Gender Neutral Reader

Genre: Fake Dating! AU, Angst, Lovers to Enemies(?), Occasional Pining, Comedy, S for potential smut(??)

Summary: Y/N has become an overnight sensation with ‘Drivers License’, Breaking records left and right...But what if the press gets wind of the ill-matched lovers and their company decide it’s the perfect attention ploy?

Word Count: 3.2K

Warnings: Swearing (a lot near the end), Drinking mention

A/N: this was meant to be a drabble... now it’s becoming a series...i’m sorry

“...and the winner of Inkigayo today is...Y/N with ‘Drivers License, Congratulations!”

You step towards the center of the stage and take the trophy and bouquet from a rookie idol, who flashes a bright smile at you, but you can see the envy in his eyes. You once had that same hunger and ambition that he seems to reek of, it’s a reminder of how far you’ve come.

Taking the mic, you begin to sing a more sultry and edgier vibe than usual, which seems to gather more screams from fans than usual. You remember what Seulgi taught you and gaze at the camera lens with a subtle pout, trying to capture the angst of the song in your gaze.

It feels ridiculous, feigning emotions you no longer feel, singing a song you begged the company not to put out in a corset fitted shirt that’ll leave your ribs sore and reddened. It’s pathetic and cliche, you quite literally sold your soul (well, heart) for fame. 

“Yeah, you said forever, now I drive alone past your street…”

Everyone behind you waves at the camera, signalling the show is ending. You leave last, taking several confetti bits for your scrapbook, which is the only thing keeping you from remembering this is all real. 

Backstage, Iris and San are waiting in your dressing room, they greet you with proud grins and slaps on the back. 

“Well, if it isn’t miss twelve...no, thirteen wins in two weeks.” San praises, enveloping you in a hug.

“Could be thirteen by tomorrow~” Hums Iris in a sing-song tone.

A groan leaves your lips, while slumping into an uncomfortable chair. You tune out their excited plans for your makeup and hair tomorrow, San says something about an end of year Award show.

All you want is to go home to your empty dormitory and sleep.

When you finally arrive to the ‘comfort’ of your ‘studio apartment’ (box room), it isn’t long before you strip down to your pyjamas and aggressively rub off the layers of makeup that seem to cling to every pore and fine line of your face. The cold air from the fan soothes the aching of your body from your strict workout routine. You stay awake until 4am, reading comments from netizens and replying to fans on your fancafe, it  was hard not to become obsessed with checking what people thought; whether they loved or loathed you.

[+184 -93] Y/N is talented, but they look devoid of emotion since last week...maybe singing a song so personal isn’t a good idea….what if the person it’s about hears it…..

User FYL**8 was right, it had become draining trying to convey emotions you’d long let go of. Your debut song was fresh and fun, it didn’t garner much attention but at least you hadn’t had to fake emotions and relive your first heartbreak.

Although the memories of the breakup didn’t hurt as much, the happiest ones were the most painful. The feeling of ignorance, thinking he meant forever and believing him completely...it was all so distant yet felt a fingertip away.

That night you slept with a heavy heart, remembering what it felt like when he’d hold you close and right and kiss you on the head to soothe your worries. Why did it have to end? Why like that? You try to drift into a nice sleep after another exhausting day but to no avail, thoughts of him are flooding every thought. Has he heard it? There was no way he hadn’t, he loved to check out every ranking song for inspiration or for another artist to add to his monthly playlist. 

Would he get angry? Sad? Laugh at your pathetic feelings? He was right in the end, when it came down to it you only shared your feelings when it was too late.

Stupid Christopher fucking Bang.

It wasn’t often you’d refer to him as Chan, you had met him when he only saw it as another name for himself that he hardly used. Back when his hair had been fluffed up curls that he couldn’t contain and his light freckles weren’t covered by BB Cream. When he didn’t belong to the world and only loved you.

After months of forcing yourself not to, you hastily search “Stray kids Bang Chan + Y/N”, Then “Stray Kids Y/N” and finally “Skz Y/N”. The results are minimal and far inbetween, mostly tweets from fans wishing for a collab and oddly enough one person making edited photos of you and them, which are so convincing you have to remind yourself you hadn’t met them.

Thoughts drift to his friends, the ones who didn’t know Chris was even seeing someone and had been for over a year. They tried to sugarcoat it, say they forgot, it’s hard to keep track when you’re training and all that. 

The sinking feeling you felt when Minho asked how long you’d been together, guessing a month at most. When you did reply, ears burning with embarrassment he coughed and muttered “Oh.’, That had stung.

Everything had seemed so perfect, until you opened your eyes and saw it for what it was.

You don’t end up sleeping much, two hours at most, Then it’s time to get ready and head to the Broadcast Studio for today’s event. All you know is it’s a show about giving advice, the reviews aren’t great but you aren’t allowed to turn anything down because fame is a double-edged sword that you can barely grasp as is.

Iris and San are already waiting for you when you get there, within minutes makeup is being patted into your skin and your outfit is laid out on the chair next to you.

“Sleep more, Y/N-ah, I had to use a double coverage concealer to hide your dark circles.” Iris said in a fretful tone.

“I try, it’s hard being famous.” You reply jokingly, flipping your hair the best you can. Iris smacks your hand away and frantically finds her hairspray.

Within twenty minutes you’re dressed and not one hair is out of place, San pulls you aside with an uncharacteristically stern face. 

“The company have specific goals for sending you here, they want you to delve into a story of heartbreak to comfort today’s victim, while keeping anonymity and remaining as vague as you can.” 

Of course, even a show about helping others is fictional.

You nod solemnly and prepare to go on air, sitting on a cushion next to a popular comedian who doesn’t bother to even look at you. A well-known Streamer is on your other side and you begin polite small talk, which seems to irritate the host.

“We’re on in 3,2….1!” A sharp click follows the director’s queue and the host bursts right into the introduction.

After you’re introduced it’s easy to tune out, you couldn’t give a shit about that stuck-up comedian and the actress to their right. Instead you think of how the fuck you’re supposed to conjure up an emotional performance with little to no time to prepare.

‘My ex-boyfriend hid me for almost two years’ no, not even worthy of a cheap gossip magazine. ‘I thought my boyfriend loved me, turns out he loved his career more’ Maybe...but you sound too needy. 

“Today’s guest is Lee Chaeun of Suwon! Tell us your story, please.” 

You turn to look at the guest who walks onto the set and sits at the head of the pillow mats. She’s clearly a young girl, her baby face is covered by face-framing layers of shiny black hair and her eyes are already glassy.

“Last year, I began dating my crush after years of admiring him from afar...Everything seemed so perfect until last week….He dumped me by text message saying he needed space and now he’s with someone new..” Chaeun bursts into tears and the host fakes a sympathetic face and passes her a box of tissues.

“Ah, you’re young...you don’t know anything yet. This is a normal phase for teenagers, men realise themselves and break girls down so they become beautiful women. It’s just a case of a little girl not wanting to grow up!” Chimes in the Comedian, who talks about his falsities as if they’re facts.

The audience erupts into laughter and the heartbroken teenager lowers her head in embarrassment. Which only makes you more enraged, Who told that guy he was funny?

“Chaeun has every right to be upset!” You exclaim, cutting through the laugher like a hot knife. “When a relationship ends when everything seems alright for one person, it's cruel. Being blindsided isn’t a joke. It hurts and she deserves closure, and to move on someday to a better person..What happened to her shouldn’t happen to anyone!”  You barely register a gentle hand on top of yours, far too surprised by the fact there are tears dripping down your face. Crying wasn’t an option, so you pull yourself together and apologise to Chaeun and the host you cannot stand.

“Y/N, You seemed personally moved by Chaeun’s story, have you experienced a painful breakup?” The host asks curiously.

“You could say that,” You begin with a wry smile. “I was with someone who lived a double life, they were completely different when they were with other people...Things ended when I was still planning for future dates...it made me realise how fake they were.”

The guests all nod and you squeeze Chaeun’s hand, she smiles at you seeming relieved that she isn’t the only one who has felt this kind of pain. 

Everything goes smoothly after that, other guests chime in and the actress that seemed snobby is openly discussing her ex vomiting all over her Valentinos. You can’t help but wonder if the company really suggested this, or if it was divine intervention (Choi San, your manager). 

You don’t feel so alone anymore, everyone is guaranteed several things, two being love and heartbreak of some kind. 

“Thanks to singer Y/N and actress Sojung, Chaeun was able to feel a little better...Thank you for joining us on ‘Help No Counsellor!’, Join us next week when…’

“Choi San, you sneaky bastard.”

He tries to act surprised but a shit-eating grin soon overtakes his acting, Iris shakes her head and zips her makeup bag closed. It isn’t long until you’re all at The Min’s enjoying red bean bread and warm tea.  “What does inept even mean? I’m assuming it’s a good thing because Wooyoung kissed me after saying it.” San mentions, his lips curving upwards at the fond memory.

“I’d have to agree with Woo, it fits you perfectly.” You reply, circling around his question while Iris tries not to choke on her food.

Fits of laughter die down when you spot a familiar face, Lee Mijoo. 

Her blonde hair flows down her back in loose curls and her soft eyes seem to enchant everyone, admittedly even you for a short time.Behind her is a slightly taller figure dressed in all black and your stomach drops.They don’t seem to notice your presence, so you decide to use this valuable time to hide behind a menu. 

San and Iris try to play along best they can, but it is quite distressing that all of this has happened so suddenly, with no prior warning. But he did bring you here, a lot. So it’s amusing to see his date ideas haven't changed. 

As he’s walking past you he pauses, and you want to shrivel into a hole and die, He’s clearly recognised you but can’t be 100% sure due to The Min’s menu covering your entire face. 

“Y/N?” 

Shit. You cannot hide from this.

Slowly taking the menu away and placing it down on the table you smile at him, maybe a little too forced but it’s the best you can do. His hair is blonde now, his curls are long gone but his smile is as genuine as ever. 

Stupid Christopher Bang and his stupid ‘I-totally-didn’t-break-your-heart’ attitude.

“Chan, nice to see you. Still obsessed with their double shots?” You humoured, he seemed grateful for that.

“Oh, absolutely...and I see you’re still not saving any bean bread for anyone else.” 

You laugh, it’s a bittersweet one at best but nevertheless it’s a laugh.

'Well it’s great to see you again, I’d love to exchange numbers if that’s alright?” 

Without thinking you nod and oblige him, much to your friend’s disappointment which is evident by their glares. Mijoo exchanges smiles with everyone, who could hate her? She was funny, kind hearted and beautiful in every aspect. 

When they finally leave to their outside seats you breathe a sigh of relief and sink into the chair.Iris strokes your hair and San grabs more snacks to go, the walk home isn’t peaceful. It’s awkward and silent, which only makes your head spin more. When you drop off Iris you know a lecture is coming, San hates doing it but you know he tells you what you need to hear, even if it hurts.

“Look, I’m happy you were able to brush off all the hurt today but earlier on you were crying about….this. Don’t give him the power to hurt you twice.”

“You’re right, thanks Sannie.” You reply, taking his arm and smiling at the warmth of his (Wooyoung’s) fuzzy coat. 

Once San leaves and you get inside, it’s a matter of minutes before you hop in the shower and get rid of all the hairspray and mascara that’s been making you itch all day. The warm water soothes away your nerves and the impending frostbite from being outside in the cold for far too long. 

Once you feel clean and somewhat scalded you step out onto warm fluffy towels (cheap warm fluffy towels with holes in them) and get situated for bed.

Just as you exit the bathroom your phone rings and you answer immediately, it’s probably Iris wanting you to play a new Among Us mod with her. 

“Iris?”

“Uh, no, Chris.” 

“Oh.” is your initial reply, why would he call you at midnight?

“Where you asleep? I’m sorry I’ll call back another ti-”

“No!” You interject, much too eagerly. “No...it’s fine. I’m not even in bed yet.”

“Oh” He sounds relieved, much the opposite of you.

“I just wanted to congratulate you...The song, it’s great. What’s it like actually singing one you wrote?”

“Great,” You admit with a smile he can't see, “It feels...genuine. I Couldn't stand the thought of giving the song away.”

“I can see why.” He replies in an unreadable tone.

“Did it make you uncomfortable? Me singing...about-”

“No, why would it?” He cuts in, he sounds slightly agitated.

“Look, Chan, I’m sorry. I should’ve texted you, well I did but you changed your number. But it’s my story too, okay? I needed to heal somehow.”

Minutes pass with no answer, as if he’s trying to think of exactly what to say without getting more irritated or to spare your feelings.

“When did I become Chan?” His voice comes out wavering,and it hurts you.

“That’s what everyone calls you now, you’re not just Chris the trainee anymore.” You reply in a gentle way, trying to ease the building tension.

“But to you, when did I stop being Chris?”

“Probably when you broke my heart,” You deadpan, before adding a ‘kidding’ and bullshit reason.

“You weren’t kidding, but you broke mine too. Don’t make me the bad guy.”

This had taken you aback, you had been in a perfectly happy relationship for almost two years and then he changed his mind, said he wasn’t happy and it wasn’t your fault. When the fuck did you break his heart?

“When exactly did that happen?” You query, “Before or after Mijoo?”

Chan lets out a dry laugh, “Don’t talk about what you don’t understand.”

“Well what does it matter? You never told me shit anyways.” You snapped.

“That’s because you wouldn’t fucking listen. Maybe to you it was all sunshine and roses but I was struggling, I changed and outgrew us. I didn’t want to but you were stuck in dreamland where we’d debut at the same time and live happily ever after. I realised it wasn’t going to happen and set you free so you wouldn’t be embarrassed.”

“Embarrassed?” You bark,”Fucking embarrassed of what exaclty? I left that shithole you call your company by choice and worked my way up. I’m not embarrassed, but you should be. You’re a fucking sellout Christopher Bang.”

Before he can reply you end the call and throw your phone at the wall, it would’ve broken only for the forty dollar case the store assistant convinced you to buy. You burst into tears just like you had that night when it all came crashing down. He must’ve loved seeing you in pain, because he keeps doing it even now.

That night, you wish for everything to go back to a time before him and the heartbreak that followed.

It’s early on a Friday when you’re called into a board meeting with the CEO, Director and San, who looks like someone stepped on his clay masterpiece. You still haven’t been told anything and as the minutes pass by you wonder if they found out about you getting drunk at Club Suran several weeks back. What if someone saw San there too? What if–

Suddenly the doors open and in walks JYP’s CEO, followed by several others and finally Chris. He looks as confused as you, but you quickly look away before he spots you. Last night was still fresh in your mind and you didn’t need anymore reminders or conversations with him.

“Dispatch has sent us several photos of you two together, spanning several years.” Your CEO announces, an Executive pulling the photos up on the screen behind her. “Including one from yesterday.”

“That was a coincidence, we broke up a long time ago.” You admit, she seems satisfied with your answer and nods, which makes you remember that damned dating ban you have.

“Usually, we’d shoot down these rumours immediately...but this could be quite beneficial to both Stray Kids and Y/N.” JYP’s CEO adds, “Stock prices have shown a rise for both of your albums, and real time searches are at an all time high.” 

“I have a girlfriend.” Chan states, arms folded. “So that’s out of the question if you’re implying we fake a relationship.”

“Look Bang Chan,” Begins one of the Advisors, “It’s all for show, we’ll plan every detail and your girlfriend will keep her mouth shut if she knows what's good for her. Frankly, our sales aren't what they used to be and you need this, if you want complete musical and artistic control.”

Chan takes a while to think, you know this is all he’s wanted. Control over everything he and the boys put out there, with no censorship or edits by anyone else. Your CEO assures you you’ll also benefit from the agreement, including your debt fully cleared and money in your bank account as soon as you sign on the dotted line.

“How long does this last?” You ask, pen in hand.

“Twelve months, then you’re free again.” 

Chan looks to you for conformation and you ignore him, signing it and standing up to leave. You only stop to sign more formalities and then you and San head back to your local coffee shop. 

“Well, you sure have a funny way of moving on.”

[ruki--mukami]

🍣 Cooking Together HC + Kai Alischer

Ruki Mukami & Kai Alischer – Cooking HC’s

🍳 Although he was reluctant to ask the Vampire for cooking advice, one day Kai approached Ruki seeking more helpful tips and pointers on how to improve his meat dishes, mostly to please his older brother, Lukas. Yet, ironically enough, Kai warned him that not a word of these cooking lessons should ever reach the eldest twin. If he were to find out, then Kai would certainly feel humiliated beyond recognition. Using this to his advantage, Ruki agreed to instruct the younger Vibora twin.

🥩 What started as a subtle way of gaining leverage over Kai quickly shifted into a brother-like relationship in which Ruki taught the younger twin cooking techniques he has never passed on to anyone else. From roasting, grilling, broiling, frying, braising, and even flambéing, the Vampire took pleasure in instructing Kai on all these methods of cooking meat.

🍳 They only focus on dishes containing meat, otherwise the Alischer brothers wouldn’t be able to digest and enjoy the meal. Why cook meals that would be useless for the twins? As much as Ruki delights in cooking vegetable-based foods, he is also a practical chef who prioritizes one’s nutritional needs over anything.

🥩 Since the twins have grown accustomed to hotel food, which Ruki believes to be made without much feeling or passion behind it, he wastes no time in teaching Kai what is considered some of the most gourmet meals in the culinary world of meat. Some of these include filet mignon, beef bourguignon, and pork au poivre to name a few. He also demonstrates how to prepare their favorites, spicy karaage and tonkatsu.

🍳 Given his background in alchemy, Ruki often compared food preparation to chemical reactions hoping that it can help him grasp the concept. At first, they encounter a few obstacles, such as Kai’s impatience or Ruki’s unfiltered and unapologetic commentary, but at the end of the day his advice is still sound. Criticizing, yet always shedding light on how Kai can improve his technique.

🥩 As they spend more time in the kitchen together, the Vampire soon realizes just how determined Kai is to get his older brother to enjoy his cooking. While he will never admit it aloud, Ruki admires his attitude and slowly grows more sympathetic towards his endeavors. Kai’s dishes soon become more and more appetizing, which his instructor is more than eager to point out to boost his confidence and morale.

🍳 Once Kai reaches the skill level in which Ruki can no longer pinpoint areas for improvement, the latter suggests that he should finally cook a meal for Lukas.

🥩 After all the failed attempts, hours of bickering, and unexpected praise from the Vampire, the spicy karaage Kai prepared for his brother was a success. His older brother’s reaction was so satisfying that it sent Kai into a brother complex overload. When Ruki heard news of it he was unable to hold back a cheeky grin at his pupil’s hard work.

“How did it go with Lukas? Did he rejoice over your cooking prowess? Heh, I’m glad to hear it. You’re a fast learner, Kai. It doesn’t surprise me in the slightest that he was pleased with your dish. It seems I’ve taught you well.”

[ninbayphua-moyan]

Moonlit Sparrow Through Parted Clouds

Thunderous grey clouds hung heavy in the sky as I made my way towards the lecture hall. My body ached with a bone-deep exhaustion and each leaden step I took felt heavier than the last. I stopped, wanting to turn back, but time and time again, my body refused to obey as my legs carried me towards my destination.

          Half an hour later, I found myself standing outside the empty lecture hall despite the countless hesitations along the way. Sighing, I sank to the floor and closed my eyes, too tired to remain upright. That’s what university does to you. It sucks out your soul, your passion, and your youth, leaving nothing behind but an empty husk of a human being.

           A familiar voice calling my name pricked my hazy, sleep deprived brain and I cracked open my heavy eyelids. My facial muscles moved like clockwork, automatically forming a smile to greet my friend.

           “You look like a corpse!” Chu Ying exclaimed worriedly at the sight of the heavy dark circles beneath my vacant eyes.

           “Haven’t been getting much sleep this week…” I replied with a nonchalant shrug as I quickly scrunched up my eyes until they turned into little crescents of laughter, “assignments due soon.”

           Seemingly convinced by my explanation, she gave me a look of sympathetic encouragement and left. The second no one was looking, I let the smile fall. Amazing what a simple smile could conceal. You could probably murder someone, smile, plead innocent and everyone would believe you. Sighing softly under my breath, I grabbed my bag and joined the gathering crowd of students as they trickled into the dimly lit lecture theatre.

           My laptop sat quietly on the desk, an empty word document laid open on its illuminated screen as the lecturer’s monotonous voiced droned on and on in the background. I should have been taking down notes but my mind was too preoccupied with my issues with the Undergraduate Office to focus on what the lecturer was saying.

           A rhythmic vibration drew my attention towards the phone sitting on my lap. Glancing at the pop-up notification, a wave of anxiety and hope surged through my body as I registered who the sender was – the Undergraduate‘s Office. Quickly, I pulled up the email and immediately felt my heart sinking after reading the first line.

          All seminar groups are full and we cannot move students.

          Lies.

          Another notification, this time, from my personal tutor.

          It’s only week 3, relax.

          Disappointment. Betrayal. Frustration. Anger. I clenched my trembling hands into fists as the tsunami of emotions threatened to explode and spill out of my shaking body. Half of me wanted to storm over to the Undergraduate’s office and let loose the unbridled rage coursing through my veins at the unfair treatment. The other half of me wanted to lash out at my tutor’s condescending advice. My body trembled at the barely, ever so barely contained anger.

          Sixteen thousand pounds. That would be eighty-four thousand two hundred and seventy-nine ringgit each year in school fees. Fees which didn’t even include the amount I needed to spend in order to buy the books required for the modules. Sixteen thousand pounds per year just to get an education, an education that I wasn’t even getting at this point and her advice for me was to relax? How could I when my parents worked their entire youth away, saving every cent just so they could send me, all the way to Britain to get a proper education! Did they even know what the stakes of sending me abroad to study was?!

          My father’s average yearly income is twenty-four thousand ringgits, barely twenty-eight percent of my yearly school fees. Was it that unreasonable to want to be in a class that will allow me to learn and improve after paying for that much money out of my parents’ own pocket?! Why would anyone in their right mind come half way across the globe, paying that ridiculous amount of money, and being so far away from family and home for years, just to fool around? If that had been my intention, I wouldn’t even have bothered going to university in the first place, let alone coming all the way to Cardiff!

          University will be fun they said. You’ll meet open-minded people passionate about learning they said. Hah! That’s the biggest misconception if there ever was one. First of all, the university doesn’t care about whether you actually learn anything so long as you're paying the fees. The majority of lecturers or seminar leaders will only do the most minimal amount of work required and by that, I mean three hundred words of prose only per weekly assignment. What kind of creative work could anyone produce under three hundred words? In prose! Some don’t even bother with critical commentary which is just as essential as the creative pieces. Not only does the lack of practice in writing critical commentaries and limited word count for the creative pieces inhibit students from developing any work of significance, it also underprepares students for the three-thousand-word portfolio due at the end of the semester.

          Secondly, British universities are also especially discriminatory towards outsiders or people of colour, often treating minorities and international students with hostility or disregard. I’ve experienced this discrimination first hand upon requesting a seminar change. Despite having emailed the Undergraduate Office at the same time with the exact same reasons, I was denied the change whilst my British classmate was immediately allowed to swap seminars. The office even went so far as to lie about the class being full even though I was told by the professor leading that very seminar that it wasn’t. So much for the integrity of the institution.

          At the end of the day, international students are nothing but cash cows to British universities.[1] Not only do they have to pay double of what British students pay in terms of fees, they also have to deal with the discriminations that come alongside being an outsider. I understood that in this day and age, education was a business, and that the university itself was, essentially, a business, but doesn’t actual passion for learning still count for something? Or was I wrong in believing in that as well? Oh, so naïve, so very naïve!

          Old memories started to surface amongst the turmoil of emotions. My father and his worn-out clothes, refusing each time to buy new ones for himself just to save a little more money. My mother mending them as best she could whilst we slept, never once complaining. Images of my father’s prematurely greying hair and bloodshot eyes as he worked his health away to provide for his children’s future. My mother’s back bent low, labouring away at some project or another in order to make ends meet. Yet, they never once showed us how tired or how tough things were. There was always enough food on the table and they always had a smile on their faces around us. Sometimes, I noticed that they would eat a lot less than usual but whenever I asked, they merely joked and said they were trying to lose weight. They could have enjoyed their youth, their honeymoon, but they decided to save it all, sacrificing their health and comfort just to ensure mine by sending me here.

          I remember the times where they would secretly check their wallets whenever I begged them to buy me a book. Oh, how those very books painted and fuelled my illusions of Britain’s perfection. If only I had known the reality of it all before applying to study here. But it’s too late for regrets now.

          A sharp stinging pricked the back of my eyes, tears threatening to fall as my body shook with suppressed, uncontrollable rage. Maybe if I was a little braver…maybe if I fought a little harder…maybe if I confronted them a bit more…maybe…maybe…maybe…

          Then as quickly as they appeared, the tsunami of emotions faded away, leaving behind an empty husk. My clenched fists loosen and fell limply at my sides as a quiet, bitter laugh escaped my lips. Nothing was going to change. No matter how hard I fought, the end results will remain the same so what’s the point of even trying in the first place?

          As the cold hard reality of the situation finally presented itself, I slumped against the chair, my empty laptop screen staring blankly back at me. Resignation dragged me deeper and deeper into the murky depths of my mind. I was drowning. No one knew and no one cared. But that’s fine. The ending remains the same regardless. Always the same…

          The sound of rustling papers and loud chatter momentarily draws me out of the murky waters. Realising that the lecture had ended, I gathered my things and shuffled towards the exit, my mind returning once more to the depths of the void. Outside, the rain was pouring. I plodded down the streets drenched to the bone as my legs moved mechanically towards my flat. A stifling numbness engulfed my mind as I trudged on in silence, the howling wind battering my shivering, rain-soaked body from all sides. Rounding the corner, I pulled out a key-card and entered the cramped grey flat. Out of sheer habit, I grabbed the letters from my letterbox and stuffed them into my coat pocket before heading upstairs.

           Entering the dingy room, I dropped my backpack on the bed and sank to the floor. Hugging my knees to my chest, I stared vacantly at the bleak wall. My phone rang insistently in my pocket but I didn’t answer, too tired to move. The crushing weight on my lungs forced out whatever little oxygen I managed to draw, making each breath a struggle. The clamouring voices in my mind grew louder and louder, growing in intensity yet forcefully contained, like built-up pressure without release on the brink of implosion.

You’re useless

          I’m…not…

You can’t even stand up for yourself or fight for what you believe is right

          Yes I can! And I’m trying! I’ve –

You’re a disappointment to your parents and your family

          I’m not! I swear! I –

You’ll never amount up to anything

          That’s not true! I –

You’re pathetic

          No –

Nothing but a Failure

          Stop saying –

Human garbage

          Please! Just –

Waste of space

           “SHUT UP!”

           Silence. Nothing but the sound of my ragged breathing in the darkness.

The world would be better off without you

          I don’t know how long I had stayed there on the floor but by the time I came around, my dripping wet clothes were nearly dry. The chaotic calamity within had finally died down and I was filled with an eerie calmness. A deafening silence blanketed the air, pierced only by the hypnotic rumbling of trains across tracks. Ah yes…the railway…my ticket to solving everything…just two blocks away…and it’ll all be over…permanently…

          Forcing my lethargic limbs to move, I wobbled onto my feet and stumbled towards the door. A tiny parcel fell out of my pocket and the handwriting on it made me paused. It was my mother’s. Even under the dimness of the moonlight trickling in, there was no mistaking that immaculately cursive hand.

          Letting go of the door handle, I kneeled down to pick up the neatly wrapped package. Then, slowly, as if afraid it would fall apart at the slightest touch, I began unwrapping the parcel. Upon opening the box, tears welled at the corner of my eyes. Six little cylindrical bundles of haw flakes were carefully packed within, each attached to a tightly rolled up strip of paper. Gently untying the scrolls from the sweets, I began reading them one at a time.

          Jie![2] I got you your favourite sweets! Wanted to buy you more of them but Ma said there wasn’t enough space in the box. Don’t worry, I’ll send you a big box of them once I’ve saved up enough money.

– Di[3]

          My heart ached as I thought about how much it must have costed for them to ship the parcel all the way from Penang to Britain. And with the little amount of pocket money…it must have taken Di-Di months of saving to be able to afford buying that one bundle of sweets…

          Jie, just because you’re the oldest doesn’t mean you have to hold everything in on your own y’know? It’s okay to rely on others a bit more from time to time. Enjoy the sweets you idiot, you’re crazy about those haw flakes. No idea why you like them either, they aren’t even that nice.

– Mei[4]

          Tears pricked the back of my eyes as my sister’s grumpy voice echoed in my ears. I could even see the disbelieving eye roll at my odd preferences in sweets after the last sentence. How I’ve missed our senseless squabbles and late-night chats….

          A-Yun, being an international student in the UK isn’t always the easiest thing, especially when you’re a minority there. You’ve already taken the necessary steps and have done all you can in that situation. Remember, it’s the end result and not the process that defines a victory. Remember what Sun Tzu mentioned in The Art of War? ‘The most important rule to victory is to know when to pick your fights and how to fight it’. Not all battles need to be fought to win the war. Never forget our family values and never lose sight of your goal. Don’t worry about finances, let me handle that. Just focus on your studies and aim for that first-class honours. The best revenge is to succeed despite their efforts to stop you. Continue to work hard and don’t give up. Know that regardless of the outcome, your Ma and I are proud of you and that we love you very, very much.

– Ba[5]

           A sob catches at the back of my throat as tears flowed freely down my cheeks. Acute pangs of longing weighed heavily on my chest, making it hard to breathe.

          A-Yun[6] ah, if it ever becomes too much to bear at Cardiff, come home. Ma will make you your favourite dishes. I know you want to do well but don’t overwork yourself. Remember to get enough rest and try to change your bad habit of skipping meals. Two boiled eggs alone don’t count as a proper meal either!

– Ma[7]           

          A sheepish giggle escaped my lips despite the tears, Ma’s exasperated voice ringing in my ears. I could almost picture the look of indignation on her face as she judges my terrible meal choices before proceeding to fill my bowl with steamy boiled dumplings.

          Ah…Ma’s famous boiled dumplings…the saltiness of minced pork marinated with soy sauce and sesame oil…the refreshing sweetness of spring onions and carrots contrasting the pork’s saltiness…flecks of finely chopped hei-mu-er adding a chewy texture to the tender meat whilst thin sheets of delicately wrapped dough encapsulated it all…the slight bitterness of the herbal broth complementing the savoury dumplings…[8] My stomach growled in protest as I smiled fondly at the memory.

          Wiping away the remaining tears, I unrolled the last strip of paper. Elegant brushstrokes painted familiar characters in horizontal lines. A wave of nostalgia washed over me as I recalled sitting on A-Gong’s [9] lap in the garden as kid, watching him practice calligraphy. I remembered how he used to read his poems aloud as I gaze at his hands guiding the bamboo brush across the ivory sheet, entranced by its flowing movements. Each word written was like a piece of art, each stroke of ink painting a meaning of its own.

Tranquil night’s darkness, the moon shines bright, From the mud the lotus rises, its petals pure despite. Vermillion red blossom like wildly raging flames; Elegant, virtuous, delicate, yet exquisitely untamed. The wise once said that adversity yields flair, An upright heart, oblique shadows don’t scare. Dripping water with time wears the stubborn stone, Sturdy wood too can be cut with rope saws alone! [10]

          A strange tranquility wrapped itself around me as I read the poem, A-Gong’s calm and mellow voice resonating in my ears. It was almost as if he was standing right before me with the usual toothless smile and twinkling eyes on his wizen face. Tenderly cradling the small box of sweets, a faint smile graced my lips. Their vermillion red and gold wrappings shone with a certain warmth under the soft light of the moon. Gently unwrapping one of the thumb-size bundles with shaking hands, I popped a disk-like piece into my mouth.         

          Immediately, a wave of warmth spread throughout my cold and hollowed body, almost as if it was infused with the life-giving heat of home. The familiar tart sweetness of the hawthorn berries cleared the heavy fog that clouded my mind and for the first time in a long while, I felt energy slowly seeping back into my worn-out soul, reigniting the snuffed-out fire within. Strange how something so small, barely the size of my thumb, could bring so much comfort and hope. That night, the moon shone a little brighter than usual, and the normally barren sky seemed to be exploding with billions of twinkling stars.

NOTES

[1] Alina Schartner & Yoonjoo Cho, ‘“Empty signifiers” and “dreamy ideals”: perceptions of the “international university” among higher education students and staff at a British university’, Higher Education, 74 (2017), 455-472

[2] ‘Jie’ means older sister in Chinese

[3] 'Di’ means younger brother in Chinese

[4] 'Mei’ means younger sister in Chinese

[5] ‘Ba’ means father in Chinese

[6] ‘Yun’ is written as ‘云’ meaning ‘cloud’

[7] 'Ma’ means mother in Chinese

[8] Hei-mu-er is the Mandarin term for black cloud ear fungus, a type of mushroom often used in Chinese cuisines.

[9] ‘A-Gong’ means grandfather in Chinese (specifically, the Hainanese pronounciation)

[10] This is a self written and self translated poem I wrote. The original Chinese version can be found here.

[11] ‘Moonlit Sparrow Through Parted Clouds’ is a play on 守得云开见月明 meaning the moon will shine brightly again when the clouds part, and 麻雀虽小五脏俱全 meaning though a sparrow is small, it has all the vital organs.

Author's Notes:

So this is one of my earlier prose pieces from uni (all the way back from first year lol). I don’t usually post prose? Not prose of this length at least. Anyways, I thought I’d take the leap and try posting them online now since I decided to start doing that for my poetry pieces? The rest of my prose pieces throughout uni somehow ended up becoming interlinked with several recurring characters though there are some inconsistencies since they were initially intended as stand-alone pieces rather than a series of somewhat loosely linked short stories. I’ll be posting them in story timeline sequence (or at least as closely to a sequence as I can since I didn’t exactly plan out the timeline of these pieces either) rather than in the sequence it was written in so there might be a slight fluctuation in writing style cuz they do kinda change over the years? Anyways, I hope you enjoyed reading Part 1~ 

Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 

Since exams are over and graded and I've officially graduated, I can finally post my work online without having to worry about Turnitin picking it up as plagiarism because apparently you aren't allowed to plagiarise yourself according to university which is absolutely ridiculous but I'm not the one making the rules here so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Also, please don't reupload my works without permission.

[prettywordsyouleft]

MonX Hospital | Jooheon

Pairing: Lee Jooheon x reader

Genre: paeditrician – hospital au / romance / friends with benefits to lovers au

Warnings: medical and challenging behaviour terms, and whilst they’re fwb it’s only talked about, there are no sex scenes.

Word count: 3994

Index: Shownu | Wonho | Minhyuk | Kihyun | Hyungwon | Jooheon | Changkyun

Tuning out the conversation at the front desk he had been listening to, Jooheon shifted his attention to the busy waiting room. A mother, looking rather frustrated, was standing beside a small child and holding out her hand. She visibly swallowed back her urgency and smiled. “Come on Maddox, the nurse is waiting for us.”

The young boy ignored her request, continuing to push a car on a table, hurtling it around with a bit more force.

“Maddox! Let’s go,” she tried again, reaching out for his hand, in which the boy immediately recoiled away from and screamed. His mother, trying not to catch the sympathetic looks from the other waiting parents, readjusted her bag upon her shoulder. “Come on now, the nurse just needs to see how big you’re getting! It’s not scary, I swear.”

Pushing away from the counter he had been resting upon, Jooheon entered the space, giving the mother a comforting smile before sitting down on the floor next to the child. Maddox glanced in his direction cautiously, now pushing the car around with less force. Jooheon grinned. “Woah, that’s some good driving you’re doing there! Can I join?”

The child didn’t verbally answer, but he did hand Jooheon a car. Starting up some revving noises, he then propelled it around the track the child had made out of various wooden blocks and toys from the container in the corner. Jooheon purposely knocked down a bridge and then gasped noisily.

The small boy giggled. “You caused an accident!”

“I really did, didn’t I. Was I going too fast?” Maddox nodded. “What do you recommend I do?”

“You’ll need to go see a doctor! Your driver is injured!”

“Oh no!” Jooheon exclaimed and several of the other kids in the waiting room edged closer. “Isn’t it a good thing I’m in a hospital right now?”

“Are you a doctor?” another child asked and Jooheon nodded guiltily.

“I am. I should have known better and gone slower, right?”

All the kids agreed with this.

“Maybe since we’re in a hospital, Maddox here could take me and my broken driver to see the nurse right now. He needs to get checked out.”

The little boy hesitated before nodding and holding out his hand. Jooheon hid his smile as best as he could, and the rest was wiped off his face when Maddox dragged him across the foyer and into the room he had been avoiding all this time. For a little guy, he sure was strong. His mother darted along with them, smiling appreciatively at Jooheon who Maddox insisted had to sit down with him.

“Nurse Tina, I drove too fast and now Maddox and I need to get checked out.”

“Well,” she said solemnly, looking at Maddox and nodding her head. “We best check you both out for any injuries, huh?! First, let’s take your temperature, shall we?”

“Thank you,” the mother said once Maddox’s basic stats were charted. “He gets a little overwhelmed in places like these.”

“It’s common so don’t feel it’s something you’re doing wrong. Kids don’t naturally like coming to the hospital,” Jooheon replied before crouching down to ruffle Maddox’s hair. “Thanks for looking out for me! Now you go down that hallway and let Doctor Y/N look out for your driver, okay?”

“You better heal well, Doctor…” Maddox leaned in to attempt to read his badge. Before he could tell him his name, Maddox looked at the honey pot clay pin attached to his lanyard and grinned. “Doctor Honey!”

“That’s me,” he chuckled. “I’m Doctor Honey.”

“Doctor Honey, huh?” you mentioned when Jooheon walked into the shared office space for junior consultants, shooting him a smirk. “I heard all about how reckless you drove from a little boy and three others today. I think I’m going to take the bus home tonight instead of catching a ride with you.”

“I guess I have my first nickname here,” Jooheon breathed dramatically before sitting down. “Here I was hoping for “Doctor McHottie. Guess being a paediatrician makes that one a bit of a stretch.”

“That and this isn’t Grey’s Anatomy,” you replied with another smile before throwing down your pen with a heavy sigh.

Jooheon peered over at your case notes and then scrunched up his nose. “Hard day?”

“I have one patient who I saw today in Doctor Clifford’s clinic hours and I’m at a loss of what to present to him in our meeting tomorrow morning.”

“Can I read your case notes more closely?” he asked and you slid the file over. Reaching for your tablet to look up the history of previous visits for the young girl, Jooheon sighed as well. “Poor thing has enough going on in her life, huh?”

���She’s retracting away from society at a rapid pace. When she did answer my questions, she was very angry in doing so. There’s a lot of tension pent up in her body and mind right now.”

“And the caregivers state the change came from puberty? Nothing else?”

“Her biological parents have recently left the scene for good, which initially eased some of her aggressive behaviour. However, the return of the new school year has put a lot of strain on the situation. Some of these symptoms do support her diagnosis on the ASD spectrum, but I’m also concerned we’re not doing enough. I’ve increased the dosages for two medications she’s taking and given the caregiver some advice on how to address the lack of school attendance from a professional’s perspective but she didn’t seem all that relieved it would do much to help things at home and I can’t stop thinking about their situation. She’s such a sweet kid but she’s not getting the right assistance to help her overcome this.”

“And her diagnosis of Autism is much newer than most of these other labels that some of the services out there to support kiddos like her would have given them a stand-down period of six weeks before even adding them to the waiting list so who knows when they will get seen by them to continue support at home,” Jooheon added on, tapping a finger on his chin trying to find a solution.

The past year that he had worked as a junior consultant in the Paediatrics department had definitely come with some highs. Working with children and helping them overcome obstacles both physically and mentally to reach closer to their potential was always rewarding. But more often than not, he felt restricted by the amount of help he could give to kids like this one. A meeting during one of these clinics was only a moment in time for that family. The parents and caregivers of children exhibiting these challenging behaviours truly deserved all the respect in the world for what they must face day in and out.

Jooheon knew that your frustrations matched his own, wishing there was more you could do to support that family. He smiled determinedly at you over the table. “Let’s brainstorm what else you could suggest for her ongoing support and reach out to the agencies we know that might provide assistance to the family with her needs as well.”

“You know, you really suit that nickname of yours, Doctor Honey,” you replied with a watery smile, nodding as you reached to take the file back. “You sure are a sweetheart.”

“Sweet enough to have dinner with?” Jooheon shot back playfully and he grinned when you rolled your eyes right as he expected you to.

“I like things to be more sour than just sweet.”

“Chinese it is,” he announced and you laughed whilst shaking your head.

“Sometimes, I wonder how to get through to you that only being your friend and colleague is where it belongs for us.”

“Friends can have dinner together.”

“I remember our last dinner,” you stated with a hushed tone as Jooheon’s smile grew again. “Don’t smile!”

“I remember it too. It was really delicious.”

“I don’t recall signing up for dessert afterwards,” you continued, trying to sound unaffected as you scrolled through your tablet.

“I don’t recall you saying no to it either,” he pointed out, trying not to smile too much at your reproachful look. “We can enjoy the perks of being consenting adults when we want to, Y/N.”

“I swear you’ve watched way too many doctors TV shows.”

Jooheon smirked. “Never seen one, actually. You’re just trying to pass it off for whatever happens in those dramas so you don’t have to admit that being friends with me is fun.”

“It’s trouble. Honey gets sticky and is hard to remove.”

“You don’t have to remove it,” he offered. Glancing over at you earnestly, he hoped you would notice that whilst having bouts of pleasure with you over the past year had been well reciprocated, Jooheon hoped it could become more between you.

You deflated his approach quickly. “Sorry, I have plans for dinner. Maybe next time, Doctor Honey.”

“Did you ever follow up with that family with the puberty issue?” Jooheon asked a couple of weeks later when he crossed paths with you in the hallway leading to a seminar you were both attending.

You nodded, shooting him a smile. “Clifford was thrilled with the added suggestions I had for the case. Thanks for your help.”

“Hey, whatever gives these kids the best chance to thrive, huh?”

“I hope this seminar is worth it.”

Jooheon smirked. “Don’t snore too loudly this time round.”

“I did not!” Yanking on his arm as you looked around at the fellow health professionals entering the space, you then huffed indignantly. “I had worked two shifts back to back and ended up helping on an urgent case before the last one!”

“Sure,” he replied simply, his dimples deepening as he threw you another playful smile. “If that’s what helps you cover up-”

“Are you fishing for a thank you since you made sure no one found me sleeping through the last one?!” you enquired as you both stepped into the large boardroom, aiming for the seats concealed in the back row. Once seated, you gave Jooheon a pointed look. “I won’t fall asleep.”

“What will you do this time if you do?”

“I’m not going to!”

“I’m going to hold it over your head if you do. I know! Dinner tonight if you fall asleep.”

“I hope you enjoy eating alone, Lee Jooheon.”

Hours later, you grumbled as you took a seat adjacent from Jooheon in a sushi bar, pointing your index finger at him warningly. “Don’t!”

“Sure looks like I have the best company for eating alone tonight, Y/N.”

“We’re only eating,” you announced firmly, before reaching out for a plate from the conveyor belt that ran along the inner edge of the table. You then let out another groan. “If only her voice hadn’t been so dreary!”

“Face it, unless you’re being stimulated, you fall asleep too easily. I don’t know how you even got through med school.”

“Lots of coffee and determination.”

“Guess now that you have the job it’s easy to slacken off huh?”

“Jooheon!”

He grinned. “Don’t worry. I took enough notes for the pair of us.”

“You’re a lifesaver,” you told him and gestured to the food. “It’s on me tonight.”

The conversation flowed easily over a range of topics during dinner, as it usually did. Jooheon hadn’t met someone who he could tease in one moment and then discuss serious topics in the next until you, and it always made him yearn for more of your attention. However, when you reached for your second shot glass of sake, Jooheon took it from you and downed it instead.

“Hey! That was mine.”

“You’re a lightweight. Don’t drink anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Because you’ll end up wanting dessert if you do,” he told you bluntly, and you stared at him, cheeks flushed.

“Who says I don’t already?”

“Are you feeling the effects of the alcohol so soon?”

Leaning over and kissing him impulsively, Jooheon was stunned when you pulled away. You cocked your head to the side and took the shot glass back before pouring more of the rice wine. You knocked it back. “I can’t have you having dessert alone as well, huh?”

“Let’s pay the check then. It’s a work night and we don’t need to drink any more with early morning clinics tomorrow.”

“You’re right,” you agreed with a seductive trail of your finger down his chest. “I’m sure you’ll make me feel more than drunk on what you have in store for me tonight.”

“Doctor Honey!” the children exclaimed as he entered the hospital schoolroom, waving to all the attendees of the class. A couple of the physically-abled children hopped up from their seats and dashed over to hug him.

“How’s school today?”

“We’re colouring!” Ingrid told him and he gasped noisily, allowing the girl to take him over to her place at the table. She was colouring in a fairy with a pretty flower crown.

“Colouring!” he repeated, crouching down to look at Minseok’s alligator he was carefully remaining within the lines of. “You’re all future artists!”

“Will you colour with us?!”

“Me? Oh, I don’t know, I’m just a doctor.”

“You could draw a picture of Doctor Y/N!” Jake suggested and Jooheon lost his balance, falling to the floor with an embarrassing thud.

The children all giggled.

Recovering, Jooheon narrowed his gaze on Jake. “Why would I draw her?”

“Because last time she came to visit our class, she drew you!” Melissa told him as she pointed to the wall where a picture of a honey pot and spoon had been hung up.

Jooheon laughed. “That’s a honey pot.”

“It’s you! She told us so.”

“Really?” he asked, looking at the picture again. He grinned. “Did she tell you why she chose to draw that?”

“We asked her to draw her favourite thing.”

“Well I’ll be damned,” he breathed out quietly, thinking back to your indifferent behaviour this morning when you woke up at his place.

Coming back to the present, Jooheon smiled weakly. “I wish I could colour with you all but I’m actually here for Luna.”

Luna lowered her head and shook it adamantly. “I don’t want to go!”

“Doctor Honey will be with you, don’t be scared, Luna,” the teacher, Mrs Potts, gently encouraged and the other children moved to hug her and tell her it would be okay.

Once Luna was free from her friends, Jooheon held out his hand for her. “I’ve even got the coolest orderly on his way to help you travel to your therapy session in style.”

“You’ll still come too, right?”

“Of course!” he assured, her sweaty palm gripping onto his more tightly.

As he walked Luna back to her wardroom, she kept looking up at Jooheon inconspicuously, and he smiled after catching her once more in the reflection of the window they passed by. “What is it, Luna?”

“Is Doctor Y/N your girlfriend?”

Jooheon shook his head sadly in answer. “She just wants to be my special friend.”

“I had a boyfriend once,” she whispered when back in her room and Jooheon leaned down to help her up onto her bed. He then gasped and Luna giggled behind her hand.

“You’re too young for a boyfriend!”

“And you’re too old! Shouldn’t you be married by now?!”

“I’m not old at all!”

“Then I’m not young!” she refuted and Jooheon gave her a fist pump in a truce. Her humour eased. “I wish I had kept him as my special friend though.”

“Why?”

“When he left the hospital after getting better, he never contacted me again. If I hadn’t of given him my heart, it wouldn’t have hurt so much.” Blinking at the vulnerable truth the twelve year old had spoken of, Jooheon sighed. She was too young for such a painful experience on top of her health condition.

Luna took Jooheon’s hand and squeezed it again. “Maybe Doctor Y/N doesn’t want you to ever leave her so she chooses to keep you as her special friend instead.”

Before he could respond, Minhyuk, the cheerful orderly, arrived and took away his chance. Jooheon smiled at Luna thoughtfully.

It was amazing how insightful kids could be.

“It feels like it’s been forever since I worked in the same place as you,” you mentioned when you entered the office space the following week and Jooheon grinned.

“It’s only been two days. Are you not getting enough done in your shifts to feel like time is dragging or something?”

“You’re not funny.” Sitting down heavily, you placed your hands up under your chin to rest your head upon them. “It’s just weird.”

“Weird how?”

“Even when we’re busy, you always seem to appear during my day.”

Jooheon swallowed slowly. “I guess friends are not always visible when busy.”

“You are though,” you persisted, narrowing your gaze on his face. “Are you okay?”

“Sure.”

“Really?” Peering at Jooheon more closely, he diverted his gaze from your scrutiny. “Are you hiding something from me?”

“What’s there to hide? We’re just friends, Y/N.”

“Hm,” you hummed, shaking your head. “You’re being weird.”

“I’m just being your friend.”

“Say the word friend one more time, I beg of you,” you said darkly, opening your file with a huff.

He chose to look at you then, chewing on his bottom lip.

Luna’s words had played around in his mind. Jooheon didn’t realise that his advances could have been felt as pressure to you, and whilst he knew being friends who slept together worked to some extent, he hadn’t realised it could mean something to you to not go any further.

And so he had decided to just be the friend you needed. Although, Jooheon wondered if he had taken the step back a little too far if you were aware of how little he was trying to bombard you each day. To be fair, he wasn’t very good at reeling back his own feelings or level of friendship to make you feel more comfortable.

After a few minutes of working in silence, you cleared your throat. “Are you busy tonight?”

“No.”

“Good, want to Netflix and Chill?” you suggested, not lifting your gaze from your tablet. Jooheon didn’t answer immediately and you flicked your eyes upwards. You then frowned, waving a hand in front of his face. “Earth to Doctor Honey, did you hear me?”

“Uh, maybe not tonight. I’m not feeling well.”

“Really? But that one time when you were ill and told me nothing could stop you from-”

“Guess I had more energy back then,” he lied, collecting up his things hastily. He was growing confused and it was bothering him.

You seemed bothered as well. “Where are you off to? We have two hours to write up our findings from our clinical hours today.”

“I need to go look up something in the library. I’ll catch you later.”

Jooheon slapped the side of his head a couple of times once he was out of the office, groaning with how awkward he was acting towards you.

He realised he couldn’t just be friends with you anymore.

Your working environment continued to grow tense until you found Jooheon in an empty wardroom, patting the bed in which Luna had once resided in.

For a moment, you comforted him. “It’s a good thing she’s going home. Why are you sitting here looking so lost?”

“I’ve grown attached to her.”

“She was a spunky little thing. Gave me lots of advice.”

Jooheon nodded softly. “Me too.”

“Did she give you the advice to avoid me?” you wondered and Jooheon glanced up at you in confusion. You shrugged, taking a seat on the bed beside him. “Or did she say something to make you back off from me?”

“No, well-”

“I knew it!” you exclaimed, standing back up and waving your hands around. “See, she told me that there was someone really special in my world and that I should see him as more than a friend and then you kept saying the words just friends over and over and I cannot believe you took the advice of a twelve year old so literally!”

“Hang on a moment,” he simply replied, narrowing his eyes on your face. “Regardless of age, some people say insightful things. I was just giving you the space you need since I have made it clear that I want to be more than just friends who sleep together. I want the whole deal with you but you always give excuses. So yeah, I listened to Luna and thought maybe you had a reason that you didn’t want to be more than friends with me over. I was being respectful of your needs.”

“Disappearing from my world is respectful?” you asked, shaking your head. “You made me lonely. I half wondered if I had offended you or you’d grown bored of me. I kept making advances at you that you’ve deflected. How is that being a friend?”

“Do you like me?”

“Of course I do.”

“I mean more than a friend,” he reiterated and you opened your mouth, only to close it again. Jooheon sighed. “See, this is where we differ. I’m pretty sure I’m falling in love with you and want to-”

“My last partner manipulated me,” you blurted out. Cringing, you started to pace the floor. “I gave him so much of myself that when I realised what he was doing to me, I vowed I wouldn’t date again. I wanted to hold full control over my feelings. I figured if all you and I did was eat and sleep together that I wouldn’t get too attached. I could have a good friend and have some fun with you too.”

You stopped pacing and looked at him. “But you’ve become more than a friend; even I have to admit it. I want to do more than what we have. I just don’t want to lose what we have either.”

“I’m not going to hurt you like that,” Jooheon answered, standing up and stepping closer to you. Reaching for your shoulders, he smiled gently. “I’m not like him.”

“I know, you’re so much better in all areas,” you breathed and Jooheon grinned. “That’s why I get scared. You’re too good of a human to mess things up with.”

“What if things only get better, not messed up?” he offered and you slipped your arms around his waist, placing your head against him. “What if we’re better at being more than just friends?”

“Is it worth risking what we have?” you murmured, lifting your head to look at him. After staring at one another for an intense moment, you nodded. “Of course it is.”

Jooheon kissed you then, softly. It felt like it had been so long since he had last caressed your lips properly. You pressed into him firmly, deepening the embrace.

And then jumped apart when you both heard fevered giggling. “It’s just like what my Mummy watches on TV! Doctors do kiss each other in secret!”

“Ew, are you both worried about catching cooties?!”

“Why would they be worried? They’re doctors! They can cure anything!”

“How about you guys head off and pretend you saw nothing and I’ll be down to the schoolroom with candy in twenty minutes,” Jooheon stated and with another set of giggles, they darted out, leaving you both laughing at being caught.

“They’re right though,” you mentioned, stretching up to peck his lips again. “We can cure anything.”

Jooheon grinned, resting his forehead on yours. “So how about dinner tonight?”

“With Doctor Honey?” you asked, pretending to think about it. “I don’t know, what’s on the menu?”

“Anything you fancy.”

“Even you?”

“I thought I was too sticky,” he teased, reminding you of a past conversation.

Trailing your index finger up until you flicked his chin gently; you gave him a smirk. “Maybe I don’t mind if I can’t get you off of me now.”

_________________

Next: Changkyun

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[densi-mber]

Paramnesia, Part 3

A/N: The highly requested third chapter of Paramnesia. In our last chapter, Deeks was called into work and Kensi, still believing they are married, insists on coming with.

***

Deeks blew out a long breath as he and Kensi walked up to OPS together. He’d been hoping to catch Sam and Callen on their own to explain Kensi’s current “condition”. Unfortunately everyone was already upstairs.

Kensi had been slightly less affectionate in the car so he was hoping it was a sign her memory was starting straighten itself out.

“Kensi, what are you doing here?” Callen asked as they walked through the sliding doors. Nell immediately rushed over to give her a quick hug.

“Yeah, shouldn’t you be in bed with an ice pack and a dozen doughnuts?” Sam added.

“Guys, it was just a little bump on the head. There’s no reason for me to stay home and go stir crazy,” Kensi said, sounding reassuringly like herself. “My head barely even hurts anymore.”

“She had the doughnuts to go,” Deeks revealed, smirking at her. “And she didn’t even share.”

“You would take doughnuts from an injured woman?”

“Hold on a second, you told me you were perfectly fine.” Kensi shrugged unapologetically.

“That’s cause I knew you’d try to make me stay home,” she said, knocking his shoulder with hers. “And force more chicken soup on me.”

“Hey, I am an excellent cook. Unlike someone I know, at least I didn’t try and pass off Walmart cookies as my own,” he added.

“You two have obviously been spending way too much time together again,” Sam commented with a roll of his eyes.Deeks found himself grinning down at her and hastily straightened up. He was getting way too comfortable with this less inhibited version of Kensi.

“Um, I’m really glad you’re ok, Kensi, but is anybody even a little bit interested in hearing about the case?” Eric asked, pointing to the big screen.

“Go ahead, Eric.”

“Last night someone broke into the home of Marine Colonel Aaron Summers and attempted to steal his laptop which contains sensitive information. Colonel Summers walked in on the intruder, one Danny Werner, and successfully subdued him. Werner is currently in the hospital.”

“Although Werner didn’t have a chance to gain access to the laptop, the Colonel is very concerned about finding out how Werner was able to breach His elaborate security system,” Nell continued.

“Ok,” Callen said, nodding to Deeks. “Since you’re solo today, go to the hospital and find out what you can from David Werner. We’ll take the Colonel’s house.”

“And since you’re here, Kensi, Hetty said she wants a detailed report of the accident,” Nell said, turning to Kensi.

“Well, that’s going to be pretty short because I still don’t remember anything,” she sighed. Turning to Deeks, she grabbed his hand and added, “Be careful out there, baby.” Before he could say respond in any way, she leaned in, brushed her lips against his, and patted his his chest before she left the room.

The silence that followed her exit was nearly painful.

“Okaaay, what was that?” Nell asked, turning wide eyes on Deeks. He chuckled awkwardly, still feeling the pressure, however brief it had been, of Kensi’s lips.

“I can explain that.” He gestured vaguely to his lips and then the door.

“Really?” Sam said in a tone filled with disbelief. “I’d love to hear it.”

“Kensi is still experiencing some symptoms from her head injury,” Deeks told them reasonably.

“You said she had some mild surrounding the car crash amnesia,” Callen reminded him, sounding skeptical. “You didn’t say she’d lost her mind.”

“I feel like I should be offended by that.” Deeks paused and drew in a short breath. “Along with the amnesia, Kensi is also under the impression that we are, uh, married. Apparently it’s called paramnesia, or false memories.”

“And how did she come to that conclusion?”

“I have absolutely no idea. The nurse told me she was waking up and when I came in, she was acting a little strange and called me her husband. According to her doctor, it should resolve on its own in a few days,” Deeks continued, realizing how ridiculous it sounded. Especially since Kensi was acting perfectly normal in every other way.

“Deeks, you can’t let her believe this for that long,” Nell said. “Imagine how upset she’ll be when she finally does remember.”

“What do you want me to do? Her doctor said we should try to let it happen naturally,” Deeks said, starting to feel a little frustrated. It wasn’t like he’d planted the idea in Kensi’s head.

“So you’re prepared to pretend be her husband for the next however many days it takes her to realize what’s going on?” Deeks shrugged, not feeling confidant in his ability at all.

“I think I can handle it.”

“Oh yeah, you handled it really well,” Sam said sarcastically. “That explains the kissing and the “be careful, baby”.”

“It hasn’t gone any further than that,” Deeks insisted firmly. For his own physical safety, he would definitely not be mentioning this morning’s cuddle session.

“It better not.” Deeks felt his anger flare a little at Sam’s comment and crossed his arms, mirroring his position.

“Sam, do you honestly think I would take advantage of Kensi like that?” There was a tense moment as Sam stared him down and then he reluctantly nodded.

“No, I know you wouldn’t,” Sam admitted. “I’m just worried about the possible fall out once Kensi realizes the truth.”

“I won’t let it get to that point,” Deeks said, not sure who he was reassuring at this point.

***

“Hey Nell,” Kensi said a couple hours later. She was supposed to be “helping” with research, but all she’d managed to do so far was build the world’s longest paperclip chain. Unfortunately, it gave her uninterrupted time to think about her and Marty.

She had a few flashes on them together, weirdly enough in another house, but most of what she “remembered” was pure guess work.

Based on those snippets, she’d assumed their romantic relationship was as strong as their professional one. Now she wasn’t so sure.

“No, I don’t have anymore paperclips,” Nell answered without looking away from her computer.

“That’s not what I was going to ask. Actually, it’s kind of personal. Really personal.” She was glad that Eric had left to grab some coffee. This would be awkward enough with just Nell.

Nell finally turned around, her brows narrowed.

“The kind of personal where I’m going to want to wash my ears out when you’re done?” Kensi made a face at that, shaking her head.

“Ew, no. It’s about Marty,” she said, noticing Nell’s face shift suddenly.

“What about Deeks?” she asked slowly, almost cautiously.

“Is he-are we happy? I mean together. Are we happy with our marriage?”

“I don’t think that’s something I can answer for you Kensi.” Kensi made a frustrated sound and slammed her hand against the desk, making Nell jump slightly.

“Nell, Marty barely touches me. Every time I try to kiss him or hold his hand, he pulls away,” she said, glancing at Nell to gauge her reaction. It wasn’t promising and her stomach clenched painfully. “Nell, I can’t remember anything about us as a couple, please tell me what’s going on.”

“So you don’t remember anything?” Nell repeated.

“I mean, every so often I get these little flashes of memories, but they’re super fragmented...and I don’t even know if they’re real or if I’m making them up.” She felt tears springing to her eyes for the first time since waking up in the hospital and pressed her lips together trying to keep them back. “What do I do?”

Nell leaned forward and squeezed her hand, her expression sympathetic.

“Kensi, I think this is something you need to talk to Deeks about.” Kensi started to protest, but Nell held up a hand, cutting her off, and added, “Before you do that I want you to answer a question for me. How do you feel about Deeks?”

Kensi almost laughed at the ridiculousness of the question.

“I trust him. More than anyone,” she said simply. “When I’m with him I feel safe and loved.” Maybe she should have felt vulnerable or self-conscious being so open with Nell, but she didn’t. It was the truth.

Nell made a face, inclining her head.

“Ok, uh, not exactly what I was expecting. Follow up question. Do you feel...married to Deeks?” It was a strange way to phrase it and Kensi almost said “yes” without thinking. Instead she held back her reply, tilting her head as she really considered the question.

“I don’t know,” Kensi whispered numbly. Nell squeezed her hand again, pulling her in for a brief hug.

“Then I think you know what you need to ask Deeks,” she said.

***

A/N: I am well aware that no reasonable doctor would likely give this advice for dealing with amnesia. This is just for fun.

And, yes, there will be a part 4.

[straymackerel]

Hello! Can I request #12 from the event prompt with Akutagawa? Congrats btw! 😊

akutagawa + zhaghzhagh || ژاقژاق (persian, n.) the uncontrollable chattering of teeth, due to rage or cold. 

➽─{yayayay more akutagawa! i had an ✨awakening✨ after my last event ask for him teehee}─❥

Upon your assignment to the guerilla attack force, your friends in the Port Mafia gave you their solemn condolences. “Good luck,” they told you, smiles dropping as they heard the news. Their voices danced the line between nervous and sympathetic, too afraid to fully commit to either. Neither cautionary tales nor measures of advice were offered up; each and every one of you were already familiar with many a horror story of Akutagawa’s brutality. And for a mere rookie to join the fray? People ranked as low as yourselves had much to fear about the upper echelons. Your very promotion itself was counterintuitive, alarm-raising.

Naturally, your friends were quick to write you─the only one of the group who dared to rise the ranks─off and out of mind. Rumor has it they placed bets the same day you were put under the direct command of Akutagawa Ryunosuke. Rumor has it they were betting on how long you’d stay alive.

You were skeptical, as anyone who aspired to climb that high should be. You dismissed your colleagues’ concerns with a wave of a hand and a shake of the head, certain your fate was not a gruesome nor sealed one. More harrowing than the rumors of the Silent Rabid Dog were those concerning the very apex of the Mafia, the ringleader himself; surely, a man as merciless as Mori Ogai would never let such fabled recklessness run a command unit. 

You were half right... and half wrong.

Akutagawa really was a loose cannon, as you soon found out. Though his fervent goal was to advance the Mafia, he often acted of his own accord, taking drastic measures to achieve his ends. His actions were fueled by both anger and irrational jealousy to boot, a most precarious combination in practice. You often felt as if you walked a tightrope around him, as if one wrong move might send you plummeting to the ground head first. 

Akutagawa's homicidal tendencies were apparent as ever as he loomed over the lifeless corpse of a double agent one frosty morning. On the very outskirts of Yokohama, you stood in silence as he kicked the motionless figure, pushing it over with his foot. A frozen face of horror came to face the sky, vacant eyes staring into the gray bleakness of winter. Akutagawa’s disappointment was nearly tangible as the both of you confirmed what you hoped was not the case: this person is not our main target.

Shivering, you turned away from the body as it leaked the crimson essence of life, tainting the brilliant blanket of snow that dusted the ground. The crystals of ice bloomed a deadly hue at your feet, shades of red sweeping the floor. Akutagawa scoffed when his communicator went off, adjusting his cravat as the operator asked for a report.

“The target is heading north. The sole accomplice we stopped has nothing of value on them,” he replied, tone cold and detached. But you knew better than most that the look on his face was one of barely contained rage; you could feel his eyes boring holes into you, even with your back turned to him. 

“Yes. No. I see,” he continued. Shifting under your thin jacket, you braced yourself for nearly certain chastisement. You tuned out the conversation, unable to keep listening. Your stance only wavered in its chill-induced tremble.

This job was supposed to be a short one, hence the appointment of only two Mafia members; you planned to be in and out instead of wandering the cold for hours. The enemy turned the tables on you, leading both you and Akutagawa on a wild goose chase, one you were unable to keep up with. You most definitely slowed down your commander like a dead weight chained to his legs, and you were undoubtedly certain he despised you for it. You knotted your fingers, tips icy cold and red. Worse than punishing you immediately, he seethed in undirected annoyance.

“Tch, they put us on standby,” Akutagawa said, shoving the communications device into his pocket. “After all the trouble we went through today.” You stiffened at the prospect of the two of you alone and without witness; if he really wanted to, he could have laid you to waste right then and there. Against your better judgment, not a single word of apology slipped through your lips. The stillness was deafening. It absolutely irked him.

“Hey, did you even hear me?” he asked incredulously, the crunching of snow behind you growing closer and closer. You flinched when he placed a heavy hand on your shoulder, whipping you around. “What’s the matter with you?”

Hands clenched, you withered under Akutagawa’s gaze, squeezing your eyes shut. You may have even prayed for an instant death. Your teeth chattered, clattering against themselves with each gust of wind that flew into you, quaking under pressure and frigidity. Even without your sight you felt the formless shroud of Rashomon surround you, poised to slice through your arms and legs. Its menacing presence grazed your sides as if eager to take a bite.

“I can’t have you blanking out on me first thing in the morning,” he said, voice ragged and husky. “Seriously, what’s your deal?” You felt the monster he called an overcoat rest atop of you, no longer scraping the surface. Only after a beat and a half did you dare to open your eyes a crack, curious of the way in which you might lose your life. When your eyes fluttered open, you went into shock.

Rashomon had itself wrapped around you, tightening around your torso as it was fashioned into the vague suggestion of another coat. You tried to blink it off, wondering if it was just your imagination. But the fabric laid against you like a blanket, and it was softer than you’d ever imagined the beast-like ability. You blinked at Akutagawa’s question, unsure of exactly how to answer.

“I–didn’t I mess everything up?” Your superior sighed at your response, easing back. Swaddling you in warmth, Rashomon finally settled in place on your shaking form.

“You really weren’t paying attention, were you?” he asked, frown deepening. You nodded slowly, tugging at the black fabric. “Jeez, what a piece of work,” he said. “Listen closely this time, okay? The guys over at headquarters ordered us to follow a group of decoys. Our real target was going the opposite way the entire time,” he explained, pausing to suppress a cough. “We were duped. And so was HQ.” The words took a moment to process in your mind. When they did, you nearly keeled over.

“Oh, thank god,” you breathed, having held your breath for much too long. You sighed your relief, your three words holding still in the air. Slackening, your body almost collapsed from how tensely you held yourself.

“Well, don’t sound so relieved about it,” he said, breaking the quietude. “Might I remind you of your performance today?” You clung to Rashomon even tighter, shame returning to mind. Having chosen the wrong time to celebrate, you knocked your feet together, straightening your posture once more.

“Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.” The two of you listened to the birds awaken from their slumber, chirping away as they celebrated the highly anticipated sunrise. As Akutagawa’s ability returned to you every last bit of heat that you lost, you thought to add one more thing. 

“Thank you, sir.”

“Our enemies were well prepared this time,” Akutagawa said, pretending not to hear the last part you threw in. “The information we were fed led to severe understaffing, so even if our fugitive was among that group, nothing that happened was your fault alone.” Akutagawa turned to you, nodding his approval. “But if I see you running out of breath like that again─”

You nodded fervently, embarrassed. For a moment you felt Rashomon flicker, as if it was uncomfortable with being used in this way. Its startle even came close to tickling you. Akutagawa bristled at this realization, restraining himself from returning Rashomon to its proper place. You thought you heard his voice waver as he said:

“Also, do me a favor and wear more next time.”

[memes-in-a-half-shell]

Okay--I'd LOVE to hear how you came up with those astrological signs for the boys! Tell us, please! ^_^

AND I SHALL !!!

Something I like to do usually when creating characters - or simply trying to come up with a “fleshed out” personality for existing characters, is that I often go read astrological signs’ descriptions. Often those things are very cliché and don’t really make a lot of sense, but it is a good baseline for expanding on character development.

Leo

Capricorn (Dec.22 - Jan.19) (I personally HC that his birthday is in January)

“ Smart, hardworking, and fully in control of their destiny, a Capricorn will always get what they set their mind to, in both personal and professional life—no excuses. Capricorns may get a reputation as stubborn, but they simply know what they want, and also know how they wish other people would behave. Natural rule-followers, Capricorns thrive on order and love strict rules, hierarchies, and set ways to do things. Can a Capricorn think outside the box? Yes, they can, but they prefer when they have strict boundaries to constrain against—free reign can make them feel paralyzed by choice. “ (source)

“ Capricorn’s personality traits are derived from its receptive, feminine, or yin qualities, making this sign oriented toward contemplation and engagement with inner awareness. Alive in both a Capricorn woman or Capricorn man, those born with the Sea-Goat as their rising, sun, or moon sign have a discipline, masterful, and determined energy in the core of their personality; an echo of the resilience and resourcefulness needed to survive the cold season of their birth.As a cardinal sign, Capricorn holds the qualities of being an achiever, a builder, and a climber, able to set and conquer the loftiest goals one step at a time. Those born with the sign of the Sea-Goat prominent in their charts are great at being determined, consistent, and reliable. They often over-deliver on their promises and take their honor and public reputation very seriously. Ruled by Saturn, the primary Capricorn strengths can be found in their perseverance, longevity, and focused self-mastery. Coolheaded and down to earth, they have strong powers of discernment. They are often good Saturnian judges of character and can be approached for pragmatic advice and a fair verdict.Ruled by Saturn, the Sea-Goat does not shy away from commitment, but rather requires it of their friends, business partners, and lovers before they can fully trust. As a result, your Sea-Goat friend may be one of your most loyal allies, unless of course, you cross them in a business deal.Capricorns may not be seeking fame or glamour in the obvious sense, yet are known for their enduring beauty and classic elegance. Those born under the Sea-Goat are old souls who traditionally are understood to age in reverse. They usually begin life with the weight of the world on their shoulders that they gradually learn to let go of over the years. Humor is one of Capricorn’s most underrated strengths, which is an important source of their resiliency.Natives from this sign see the world with a pragmatic and sober eye, so have long ago made their peace with the shadows of mortality and human frailty. It is this shadow and frailty that they seek to laugh with, developing a dark, rueful humor to help them survive and endure. “ (source)

Raph

Cancer (Jun.21 - Jul.22) (Can we HC that his birthday is on July 4th x’D yes? Yes.)

“ Emotional, intuitive, and practically psychic; ruled by the moon and characterized by the crab, Cancer has so much going on in its watery depths. Cancers may seem prickly and standoffish at first meeting, once they make the decision to become friends with someone, that person has a friend for life. Most Cancers have been called psychic at some point, and with good reason—Cancer can often intuit relationships, ideas, and motivations before anyone has actually spoken. That can make for challenging interactions with this sign—Cancer hates small talk, especially when it contains white lies (like saying, "How nice to see you!" when it's clear that both parties would rather avoid each other). That's why social gatherings can be overwhelming for Cancers. They'd much rather spend time in small groups where everyone is on the same page. “ (source)

“Ruled by the moon, Cancer’s archetypal traits are derived from its receptive, feminine, or yin qualities, making this sign oriented toward contemplation, and engagement with inner awareness. Alive in both a Cancer woman or Cancer man, those born with the Crab as their rising, sun, or moon sign have a sensitive, intuitive, and protective awareness in the core of their personality; an echo of the life-supporting and sustaining energies of the Summer season.As a cardinal sign, Cancer takes leadership in the roles of being a nurturer, host, protector, and caretaker. Those born with the sign of the Crab prominent in their charts are focused on forming and maintaining family ties. They are naturally empathic, sentimental, and home-loving by nature. The primary Cancer strengths can be found in their kind, giving, and sympathetic natures. Always ready to host, and set a table, they can be counted on to feed and care for friends, family, and any weary traveler that stays in their home. With strong empathic powers and talents for healing, Cancer natives can sense what others need, often long before they have articulated it themselves.The famous sideways walk of the Crab can be observed in the cautious way a Cancer native enters a space or social gathering. They tend to come in quietly, carefully surveying their surroundings, before they open and reveal their whole selves. This protective instinct makes Cancerians good at reading the emotional tone in a room, helping them anticipate danger or crisis early. “ (source)

Donnie

Libra (Sep.23 - Oct.22) (I HC his birthday in October)

“ Intelligent, kind, and always willing to put others before themselves, Libras value harmony in all forms. Ruled by Venus, the planet of beauty, Libra adores a life that looks good. As the master of compromise and diplomacy, Libra is adept at seeing all points of view, and excels at crafting compromises and effecting mediation between others. This sign has a rich inner life yet loves other people, and they're always happiest with a large group of friends, family, and coworkers on whom they can count. An air sign, Libra can often be "up in the clouds," and while he or she is amazing at making big plans, follow through can be tricky. Working with detail-oriented signs, like Virgos or Capricorns, can help Libras actually manifest their dreams into reality, especially in the workspace. But don't call out Librans for daydreaming—their imagination is one of their biggest assets, and they often put their imagination to work by finding careers in the arts or in literature. “ (source)

“ Libra’s archetypal traits are derived from its active, masculine, or yang qualities, making this sign oriented toward engagement with the outer world. Alive in both a Libra woman or Libra man, those born with the planet of love as their rising, sun, or moon sign have an equanimous energy in their core personality. As a cardinal air sign, Libra holds the qualities of social initiation and leadership. This makes those with Libra prominent in their charts great at pioneering social projects and gatherings, and naturals at unifying their team, family, or community.Natives from this sign can be thought of as “the diplomats” of the zodiac, acting as active mediators and negotiators in any crisis or challenge. Being ruled by the planet of pleasure and attraction, Libra is usually quick to forgive and eager to smooth out differences so that everyone can get back to enjoying the finer aspects of life. Libra’s great strengths can be found in their ability to embody Venus’ loving, healing, and balancing traits. These folks will likely have the ability to put others first for the sake of everyone’s comfort and well-being. They are great communicators and listeners, fairly weighing all sides of an argument and another’s point of view. Libras are likely to not hold grudges, as it can take a lot to rouse and sustain their anger. Being very Venusian, they typically assume the best intentions in others and give most people many chances to redeem themselves.In addition to these folks’ great relational strengths, there are also their keen aesthetic sensibilities to consider. Not only will this make sun sign Librans very creative, it will make them attuned to the subtleties of atmosphere and harmonious environments. They are naturally curious about how the aesthetics of our adornments and surroundings can set the tone for our well-being and social interactions. Keeping the peace and maintaining poise, grace, and charm are strengths that can be relied on from these natives. “ (source)

Mikey

Pisces (Feb.19 - Mar.20) (I HC his birthday in March)

“ Smart, creative, and deeply intuitive, Pisces can be close to psychic. Pisces feel things deeply, and have incredibly strong gut reactions. A Pisces "knows" things from deep within, and can often judge whether a person or situation is good or bad. That doesn't mean a Pisces ignores the logical part of their brain, though. Deeply intelligent, Pisces have a profound respect for the power of the human mind. Is it a surprise that Albert Einstein was a Pisces? Pisces may seem quiet but they are incredibly strong and have a very strong sense of right and wrong. Their moral compass, along with their gut, guides them well. When a Pisces speaks up, people listen. Pisces tend to take in everything around them, and they are great people to ask for advice on pretty much anything. While Pisces has strong convictions about the best way for them to live, they have a "live and let live" approach when it comes to others, and are accepting and nonjudgmental of all. “ (source)

“ As a mutable sign, Pisces holds adaptive, fluid, and shape-shifting qualities. Those with the sign of the Two Fishes prominent in their charts are sensitive seekers who have the potential to bring a soulful, healing energy to their relationships and communities. The primary Pisces’ strengths can be found in their tender, sympathetic, and receptive natures. Naturally compassionate and empathic, Pisces are wired to offer spiritual and artistic gifts to the world. These are the poets, musicians, painters, and intuitive counselors in our communities.With Jupiter’s influence on the faith, belief, and sense of higher purpose, Pisceans can be counted on to offer help and healing support to anyone who is in need. These natives tend to drift through life on their schedule and follow an inner sense that life is unfolding as it should.Idealistic and imaginative, those born under the Two Fishes’ sign have an otherworldly quality to them and seem to retain a sense of innocence and wonder their whole lives. These natives often believe in the good of others and will likely give the benefit of the doubt. “ (source)

[ajokeformur-ray]

Headcanon for Arthur with a paranoid S/O? Like, panic attack because she can't find him for 5 minutes D/O?

Okay so just to make sure I was on the right page, I Googled paranoia and read up on it, so I hope that this is accurate; if it isn’t or something is wrong, then please let me know so I can make the necessary corrections.

Holy shit look at him… that intense gaze, those dark curls… I love him. He’s so beautiful I’m gonna cry.

Arthur was truly alarmed the first time you had a panic attack because you couldn’t find him.

You had been gazing at something in a shop window and so absorbed had you been in what you were looking at that, initially, you hadn’t noticed Arthur quickly ducking into Helms’ Pharmacy to pick up his prescriptions.

He had only been gone five minutes, but as he came out with that white paper bag loosely held within his hand did he see you frantically looking left and right, your breathing clearly irregular.

“Y-Y/N? What is it? What’s wrong? Did someone do this to you?” Arthur’s free hand gripped your upper arm as he, too, looked left and right, already intent on going after whoever did this to you.

Rage filled him and he felt an urge to throw punches, but your quiet whisper of his name drew his attention immediately to you, his strong, dark brow furrowed.

“What is it?” 

“Y-you were g-gone an-and I thought you’d left me.” 

All at once, Arthur understood. 

A sympathetic noise. “Oh, honey, no - look, I just - “ Arthur held up the pharmaceutical bag. “I went to get my medications. I didn’t leave.” 

Right there and then, as Arthur pressed a kiss to his temple, an arm wrapping around your waist, did he swear to himself to minimise the risk of this happening again.

At his next government appointed and funded mandatory therapy session (useless though it was), Arthur discussed what had happened with his social worker and asked for her advice.

She had, surprisingly, been relatively helpful and had given Arthur a leaflet containing information on paranoia; its symptoms, causes and how to help it, and Arthur had read it so often that he could perfectly envision every page clearly in his mind.

When you were at Arthur’s apartment, Arthur made sure that he was either within eye sight or hearing range; so that your fear that he would leave or be taken from you was minimised.

When he was at work, he would use his lunch break to phone you and tell you that he was okay and when you could roughly expect him home.

Arthur followed that leaflet to the letter and he also asked you questions on how best to help you. He was attentive and eager to learn, eager to please and to be the best partner to you that he could be, for he was also scared that one day you would leave him and find someone overall better.

At the core of your relationship is fear that the other will leave, but also love - you have such a deep and strong love based on understanding and mutual respect and trust. This trust and this communication is what is at the core of any long lasting relationship; and therefore do the two of you have it in abundance.

Despite all of these precautions, though, sometimes the bus doesn’t come or he’s kept back at work or or or… there are many scenarios which could mean that Arthur doesn’t make it home at the time he expects to be so, and he would use his spare pocket change to call you from a pay phone - failing that, he’s not above pleading with Hoyt to use the office phone; though the call charges come out of his meagre wages.

As such, he rushes the hour walk home, his leg muscles burning and his feet aching as they pound into the concrete, his lungs burning and craving oxygen as he runs, runs, home to you, fear and worry fuelling him when he desperately wants to stop, to breathe.

He’d been on his feet for nine hours but still does he run home to get to you, knowing before he even gets to the apartment that you’re going to be having a panic attack somewhere, your fear so strong and so rational; paranoid or not, Gotham is a deadly and dangerous place and the crime rate is higher than it ever has been before. Plus the rubbish strike and the unemployment rate skyrocketing… it is dangerous and your fears of each other dying is almost always at the forefront of your minds.

Arthur would crash through the front door, which is left to slam close behind him. Even rain soaked as he is, exhausted and cold, hungry and desperate for a cigarette and shaking, you’re his first priority as he pulls you into his arms.

“I’m here, I’m here, shshsh,” He coos, pressing kisses everywhere he could reach, rocking you slightly in his hold as he held you through the panic attack. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry - “ through quick sentences which tripped over each other on their way out of his mouth did Arthur tell you what happened, his frequent apologies breaking up his explanation.

“I don’t care,” You would tuck yourself closer to Arthur, gripping one of his hands as you pressed kisses all over his face and anywhere else you could reach, “You’re here and you didn’t leave.”

“No,” Arthur hummed, pressing another kiss to your head, “I didn’t. I won’t. I love you, Y/N.”

Just those four words, spoken too much and yet never enough, would do. They would always bring you back home to Arthur, and he to you.

The Arthur Fleck/Joker Defense Squad @writings-of-a-gen-z                      @x-avantgarde-x       @insomniabird      @mavalenovaninagavi     @itwasrealenough     @morrisonmercurymalek     @rand0ms-fand0ms     @rafaelina-casillas     @aclownthing       @vivft                                          @help-i-am-obssessed      @autumnaffection       @taintednihilist   @vladtoly   @mg-woolf99      @misstgrey92   @dopey-fandom-girl         @seeking-dreamland      @sweetheart-syndrome      @heartxfdesire     @xmusichealsthesoulx       @0callmejude0      @the-one-that-likes-riddles        @hannibalsslut       @folliaght            @freeeshavacadoo         @bingewatchingmylifegoby       @unlovedbyeveryoneandeverything @okamiredfoxx       @sp0okysp0oky  @the-pandorabox      @mardema @jibanyyan        @honeyflvredcoughdrop         @emissarydecksetter @jokerfleckk         @epidendroideae         @chuuntas          @stillmabel       @pumpkinpeyes       @onehystericalqueenposts          @the-jokers-wolf       @nalsswa  @justahyena       @arianatheangelworld  @soullessblondbitch @gothamslittlejester  @twentyonestarrynights  @sirianfromsixties @kissmeclownman    @joker-is-my-hero  @lazyloosah  @lovesickkloxx @ladylovelyluna      @live-love-loki  @clownerybbxx   @tragicarthur    @anmach123      @rommie-chan      @arthurflock     @lucyboytom                  @immortal-bi-bitch    @hearthurfleck     @jokersproperty     @curlystark     @hailmary-yramliah    @sagyunaro     @playinthedarktillitsgoldenagain     @jokeringcutio      @xenthefox   @mijachula @stcrrynightsinneverlcnd      @cheyennejonas22    @mrjfleck      @pauli1100     @smitten-susie    @actualkey     @callmejokerfleck   @jaylovesbats    @itsforyoubitch      @ridiculousnerd     @killerprotector3579       @soulsdontbreaktheybeeend     @fantasticwinnerclodexpert                  @arthurs-sweater      @pinkie44pie    @tsukiakarinobara      @prettyxlittlexpsychoxprincess   @elodia-gahan   @yours-mia     @parkdonghoons      @lady-carnivals-stuff      @hobi-hobi-kyo-kkyu      @jupiturde        @incognitofish      @j-sux      @nothing-but-a-comedy      @tahliamalfoydepp     @sgtsavoytruffle      @smol-nari       @pocket-clown     @joker-flecked-me      @millandram     @obsessedandthirsty   @holosexualunicorn7000    @anyatheladyclown   @imightaswellnotexistatall

[igosploosh]

8 and 5?

Thank you for asking!! I went like way overboard on the second question - but revisiting this was fun :)

5: Share one of your strengths

So, I’d say I can have some decent prose sometimes. Character study type stuff with little dialogue is really where I can excel - especially if it’s sad. I can also have somewhat alright dialogue - when I don’t have to write context for it. 

8: Share a snippet from one of your favorite dialogue scenes you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Anon: Can I see a snippet of one of your dialogue scenes?

Me, a known over-eager scoundrel and fool: Here have two pages of logicality/implied prinxiety dialogue chain that I just rediscovered-

---

“Yeah,” Virgil ground out. “Sure. Love is fucking weird, Teach. Patton is probably the only one of us that actually understands it at all.” 

“Shame you can’t ask him about all this,” Roman sighed. Virgil nodded, mouth pulled into something of a sympathetic grimace. Logan was inclined to agree. It was stressful enough being in love when your entire existence is Logic-based. To be romantically inclined towards someone who undoubtedly had a far superior understanding of emotions - someone who deserves someone with some level of competency in that department - was far, far more panic-inducing. 

“Alright, Virgil - you seem to be the love expert here, so what’s your advice?” Roman crossed his arms over his chest, impatient. Virgil answered almost immediately.

“Say nothing and let it die.” He said flatly.

“Sounds like a good idea to me,” Logan replied eagerly. It would be difficult, sure, but he had buried all his emotions before - he could do it again. That was literally one of the things Logic most excelled at. Both Virgil and Logan looked to Roman, who was staring at the two of them as though they’d gone insane.

“That is horrible advice, Virgil!” He gasped. “Love cannot simply shrivel up and die. A simple crush, maybe, but Love is a powerful force that cannot and will not be contained-”

“You’re being dramatic.” Logan’s voice was flat. Long-winded declarations about Love and Affection and Romance were as much a bane to his existence as puns - though clearly his thoughts on those had changed given his very unfortunate affection for the person who most often made them. Roman looked a bit crestfallen at the interruption, but he continued nonetheless.

“No. Patton would say the same thing and you know it!”

“Maybe. But that doesn’t mean he - or you, for that matter - is correct.” 

“Besides,” Virgil had started chewing his thumbnail. “Even if shit like that doesn’t just fade, it would still be a bad idea to say anything. There’s so much that could go wrong.” He looked between Roman and Logan. “The most obvious thing is that he could just completely reject you. Like, full-stop, ‘Sorry, I don’t feel the same way.’ shit. Or he could be mean about it! He could think you’re a dumbass for even thinking that anything could happen!”

“Let’s not forget we’re talking about Patton, here. You know - the nicest Light Side?” Roman interrupted. He is nice, Logan thought forlornly. 

“He could say he has feelings for someone else! He could decide it’s too awkward and now you can’t talk anymore and stuff will be more awkward and uncomfortable and snappy than it already is-”

“Things between us aren’t awkward.” Logan frowned. That was really a large part of the problem - lately, things had been incredibly, wondrously smooth. They were seeing eye to eye more, chatting idly about nothing and somehow Logan was actually enjoying that. Of course, all that was before the horrible moment he realized he had feelings. He had been sort of a mess socially, since then.

“Sounds to me like you’re projecting your own romantic subplot - or lack thereof - onto Logan,” Roman said with a smirk. Virgil blushed. (Logan did not miss the way that, upon seeing this, Roman cleared his throat and hid his own flushing cheeks from view.)

“Shut up,” Virgil muttered. 

“I thought you were the calm one about all of this, though,” Roman pushed on. 

“Okay, so maybe this conversation is making me spiral a bit about the whole “love confession” thing. My points still stand. Shit could go wrong, fast, if Logan says anything.”

“Or shit could go wonderfully, spectacularly right!” Roman argued. There was real annoyance in his voice now. “You’re being para- um. You’re stressing over nothing.” Virgil didn’t respond. Logan glanced between them before clearing his throat. 

“Maybe he is making things to be more drastic than they appear,” He started, mostly for his own benefit. “But that’s his job. My job is to look at things realistically, to be unbiased in my assessment of a given situation. My assessment, therefore, is that this whole venture is useless. He has no reason to be romantically interested in me, because I have given him none. So, it only stands to reason that confessing to him would be a drastic error on my part.”

“Confessing to who?” 

Virgil, Logan, and Roman froze.

---

So fun fact: This ask triggered a way-too-long deep dive into my abandoned fics, and like. Now I actually want to start working on some again, so thank you for that! Anyway - I just like this because it doesn't read as too out of character? It also it reads like real friends talking - or at least not like robots who don’t know what human interaction is, which is a major pet peeve of mine. 

[celtics534]

Covert Love: Everything Has Changed

And here we go, as promised chapter 1 of Covert Love! @gryffindormischief​ and @thedistantdusk​ have been helping me with this fic so I just wanted to thank them! 

A little background: a magical AU. Harry never went to Hogwarts so he doesn't know any of the Weasley’s.

Also Read On: FF.net or AO3

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Potter!" Jamison's deep Irish accent echoed through the room. Harry stood up to look over his cubicle. His detective chief was standing in the doorway to his office, his eternal grimace in place. 

  "Yes, sir?" Harry pushed in his chair, knowing full well he was not coming back to his desk anytime soon. When Jamieson had that tone, it meant Harry was gonna be gone for a while. 

  The look on Jamieson’s face suggested Harry’s premonition was correct  before entering the room. Excitement and nerves started jumbling in Harry’s gut. After months of desk duty, Harry was ready to get back out there. 

  Desk duty hadn't been his idea, but after the way his last case had ended, his boss had taken him away from active duty. It was fair, and the logical part of Harry agreed with his boss’s decision but that didn't make it any easier to be stuck doing paperwork. 

  Jamieson was already sitting behind his desk when Harry entered the office. He didn't look up from his work as he gestured at the chairs in front of the desk. "Potter, take a seat."

  Harry did as he was told, remaining silent. Jamieson preferred questions at the end of his briefings, and Harry was not going to chance being removed from the case due to speaking before being called upon. It only took a moment for Jamieson to finish his paragraph. He put his quill aside on the desk before lacing his fingers together, creating a bridge to rest his chin on.

  “You ready to go back into the field?” That was Jamieson for you, direct as a well-cast stunner. Jamieson just needed to know the basics. Are you fit and able? Good, then it’s time to get back to work. 

When Harry nodded, Jamieson studied him for a moment before he echoed Harry’s nod. “Aye.” He pulled a folder from underneath a pile of parchment. He handed Harry the file. “In there is the description of the individual who you’ll be protecting.”

  “Protecting?” Harry asked as he flipped open the manilla envelope. The front page held a basic profile. Ginny Weasley. Chaser for Ballycastle Bats. Threatened via numerous letters and notes left in her locker. 

  “Yes, I’m going to be sending you in to remain near Weasley. I want this to be a covert operation, in hopes of catching the perpetrator. If they have been leaving the notes in Weasley’s locker they have access to the changing room—”

 “Which means a player, staff, or security guard for the stadium may be involved.” Harry finished as he continued to read through the notes. “These are rather -- tame, all things considered.”.”

  Harry looked up in time to see Jamieson nod. “We have seen much worse, but if you noticed, there is a definite obsessional undertone. Mentions of knowing where her home is and where she shops. If I had to guess, I’d say we’ve got a stalker of some sort.”

  “No doubt about that,” Harry agreed, re-reading the line about how easy it would be to fly up to her fifth-floor flat. “So we’re getting involved because of the insinuation that one of her staff may be entangled in all this?” 

  Jamieson’s lips twitched in the closest thing he had to a smile. “I knew I hired you for a reason. Yes, that is the main reason, but I also happen to be mates with her brother Bill. We were in the same house and year at Hogwarts.” His brow quirked. “You didn’t go to Hogwarts, right?”

  Harry nodded absentmindedly, his focus back on the letters in hope of finding any indicating phrases. “My Godfathers homeschooled me.”

  “That’s right. Well, Bill asked me to check into this as a favor, and I can’t say no to the man who just named me the godfather of his next daughter.” 

  The obvious fondness in Jamieson’s voice surprised Harry. He’d never imagined his captain as the touchy-feely type, but it was obvious his affection for his friend and his family was great. Harry wisely chose to keep his observations to himself, figuring his tough as nails boss wouldn’t appreciate the callout. He flipped through the pages of Ballycastle staff.  “Fair enough. Do any of the suspects stand out more than the rest?”

  “Ah, well, we don’t have much information on the actual situation.” 

  Harry stopped mid-flip. When he looked up at Jamieson he noticed a pink tinge around his ears. “What does that mean?”

  Jamieson took a deep breath, his chest rising. “The only intel is public knowledge, or what Bill has provided.”

  “Wait.” Harry couldn’t quite contain his surprise. “Are you telling me we’re going in blind?” 

  “Not blind, per se.” Jamieson scowled as he rubbed the back of his red neck. “I mentioned you’ll be undercover, yeah?”

  “You said covert.”

  Jamieson raised his hand. “Exactly. You were almost signed by a professional quidditch team, if I’m not mistaken.” 

  Harry nodded slowly. He had gone to the league tryouts a few years back, but decided to decline the offers, instead taking the advice of a trusted friend and enlisting in the Auror academy. “I played seeker.”

  “And that is exactly the position that has opened up for Ballycastle.” Jamieson gestured to the folder still on Harry’s lap. “Their current seeker, Malcolm Kalvin, was seriously injured two days after their reserve seeker Philip Henson quit.” 

  It only took Harry a moment to read the notes on both of the Bats’ seekers. “Henson left to go be with his family in America and Kalvin has periodic memory loss.”

  “That’s right. Which means they are having an emergency trial on Friday.” Jamieson scratched the stubble along his jaw. “When was the last time you flew, Potter?”

  “Uh -- I’d guess maybe last week, maybe the week before.” 

  “Well, the rest of this week you’ll be doing nothing but flying.”

  Harry’s mind needed a moment to comprehend everything his boss was telling him. “So I have two days to be at a professional level?” 

  Jamieson waved off his concern. “We’ll get you into tip-top shape. Bill knows Oliver Wood from Puddlemere and he’s agreed to come work with you.” 

  “Sir—” Harry wanted to object that even with one of England’s best keepers there was no way he was going to be selected for the squad, but Jamieson interrupted him. 

  “Potter, I know you, and when you set your mind to something… you don’t stop until the end. It’s one of the reasons you’re my best detective.”

  Harry was stunned into silence. Never before had his chief given him such a compliment. “Thank you, sir.”

  Jamieson waved him off again. “Now, let’s discuss Miss Weasley. You read her profile?” 

  Nodding, Harry flipped back to the starting page. 

  “Good. Now, she will be unaware of your mission. Same with the rest of the team. I need you to stay close to her. Befriend her. I want it to be inconspicuous that you’ll be around her often.”

  Harry nodded. It couldn’t be too hard to find a topic to bond over with a professional quidditch player. “Who is my contact?”

  “Bill Weasley. It will be easy for him to around Miss Weasley so you’ll report any important findings to him. He has been staying around his sister’s flat at night, so really we just need a day shift.”

  “Okay.”

  Jamieson laced his fingers in order to rest his chin again. “Any question right now?”

  Harry thought about it. He knew his purpose, target, contact…  “When you say undercover, what’s my backstory?”

  “Ah, that’s the easiest part. You’ll be Harry Potter, who changed his mind and decided to re-tryout as a professional seeker. You can craft any tales you want to tell people, but I’d advise keeping it close to the truth.”

  “Easy enough.” Harry took a deep breath. “Then I have nothing else for now.” 

  “Good.” Jamieson stood from his chair, offering out his hand. “Thank you, Potter.” 

  Harry grasped his boss’ calloused hand. “I’m happy to help.” 

  “I knew I picked the right man.” Jamieson released his finger. “Now, dismissed. Wood should be here within the hour and you need to give your remaining paperwork to Finnigan.”

  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  Harry clutched the handle of his Firebolt as if he was afraid the broom would fly away without him. He’d forgotten how intense tryouts were, and he was saying that as a member of one of Ireland’s most elite auror squads. And it wasn’t even over yet! He’d made it through the first three cuts, which had left only himself and one other bloke, and now they were going to have a one on one seeker battle. 

  His fingers felt numb as he forced himself to loosen his grip. It wouldn’t do him any good to let the snitch slip out of his fingers because he’d lost feeling in them. 

  “That was an impressive feint earlier,” a voice spoke behind him. Harry turned and was face to face with the most gorgeous smile he’d ever seen. Add that to an adorably freckled nose and hypnotic brown eyes, and Harry’s mind went completely blank. He was certain that if breathing it wasn’t integrated into his hardwiring, he might have stopped.  

  The woman, or goddess, pointed up into the sky. “I saw you feint past McNabb when he was coming for you. Most can’t get past him.” 

  Harry discreetly used his free hand to pinch his leg, hoping the pain would jolt his mind back into making coherent sentences. “Uh - Thank you.”

  Her smile became sympathetic. “Nervous about the one-on-one?” 

  “Y - Yeah.” Harry was happy to have any reason other than the truth for his incompetence. He cleared his throat. “Yeah, I’m not sure how I’ll match up against the titan over there.” He jerked a thumb over his shoulder at the bulky man stretching before his flight. 

  “Oh, I’d say you have it in the bag,” said the red-head, waving off his concern. “And if he gets too close…” A wicked smirk curled on her lips. “Just ask him to spell his name, and you’ll have a twenty-second head start.”

  “Is his name that difficult?”

  “If you think Jack Smith is a challenge, then yes.”

  Harry snorted. “That does sound very complex, but hasn’t he been spelling it his whole life?” 

  She shrugged nonchalantly. “You’d think so, but after watching him struggle to write it on the sign-in sheet this morning…” She shrugged again. “Anyways, your name is Potter, right?”

  “And I know how to spell it.” Harry wanted to pat himself on the back when his joke made her laugh. Instead, he held out his hand. “Harry.”

  Her grip was strong in his. “I’m Ginny.” 

  "Ginny, as in Ginny Weasley?" Harry blurted before he could stop himself. 

  She laughed. "Glad to see my reputation precedes me." 

  Harry couldn't get his mind to wrap around it all. This was Ginny Weasley, his charge. She didn't seem like the kind of person you'd want to threaten. Ginny was too nice and funny for the kind of shit to happen to her. Then again, he might just be biased because she was the most attractive woman to ever talk to him… 

  "Harry?" Ginny waved a hand in front of his eyes. "Did you get lost there?" 

  "Huh? Oh, sorry." Harry forced himself into his work mindset. A little warning in the file would have been nice. Why Bill didn't include a photo of her… he could have prepared himself! No! Harry couldn't allow himself to admire her beauty, no matter how attractive her smile was. She was his ward and nothing could happen between them. The sooner he got that through his head, the better. “It’s just a lot to take in.”

  “Oh yeah! Ballycastle stadium is quite a sight.” Ginny looked across the perfectly cut grass, her smile serene. “It’s one of the many reasons I choose the Bats.”

  “What are some of the others?” Harry praised himself for his casualness. This was what he needed to do, these were his orders:To become her friend. And  that was done not by fawning over her, but by keeping things smooth and easy. Having simple, friendly conversations. 

  “Ireland’s lush green fields.” Ginny didn’t miss a beat as she started ticking off fingers. “Not being the only red-head for twenty kilometers, and don’t get me started on my passion for a good Irish ditty.” 

  “I’m guessing that means you know some good places to relax with a pint and music?” 

  “You could say that.” Ginny leaned in closer, and Harry was floored by a scent so intoxicating words were lost on him again. It was like she’d combined the sweetest-smelling flowers in the world and added something indistant… so indistinct he couldn’t  describe it in words. “How about this; after you’ve signed your life away to the Bats, I’ll take you out for a pint or two. The first shout on me.”

  “Th -/” Harry cleared his throat. “That would be amazing. But wh -- what if I don’t get signed?”

  Ginny’s hand came up to pat his shoulder as her lips twisted into a doubtful smile. “Then Coach Nessa really does hate the team, because why else would he want to the torture the team with that brainless brute?” 

  XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

  “One Kilkenny Ale for you, and one Harp Lager for me.��� Ginny set the glasses down on the table. Harry took his drink with a quick thanks. He was still in a shocked state. Signing to a professional quidditch team would do that to you. No matter what Ginny had said before the one-on-one flight, Harry really hadn’t expected to win. But Ginny had been right. Harry had flown circles around the larger man.

  Ginny raised her glass. "Welcome to the team." Harry followed her lead, taking a large gulp. Ginny put her drink back onto the table. "So, I'd say it's about time I get to know my newest teammate." She placed her elbow beside her glass and rested her head on her hand. "What do I need to know about you, Potter?" 

  Harry hated how -- for lack of a better term -- turned-on he was from just the look she was giving him. It wasn't necessarily flirtatious, but rather intense , and made him feel as if the rest of the world didn't exist. 

  He took another quick sip of his pint before answering. "Uh -- not much, really." 

  Ginny rolled her eyes. "I doubt that. A guy like you --" Ashiver ran down his spine… that damn look !— "has something interesting about him. Maybe like where you learned to play like that? I know it wasn't Hogwarts, because I'd remember you."

  Part of Harry, the part that was a glutton for pain, wanted there to be more to her words. He wanted her to admit he hadn't gone to Hogwarts because she found him too attractive to forget. There was also the desire for her cheeks to darken with a pretty flush because she was nervous, and not just appear darker in the flickering of the faint pub light.

  Harry ran a hand through his hair. "We —I guess I —learned from my godfather, Sirius." 

  "With a name like that, I'd guess he had a serious side." Ginny laughed at her own joke, which was too endearing.

  "Hardly. The man can't stop himself from making a joke. Being raised by him was an interesting experience, to say the least." 

  Ginny lifted her head off her hand and tilted it slightly to the side. "You were raised by your godfather?" 

  "Yeah." His hand unconsciously came to rub the back of his neck. He'd never liked talking about his past. People always got awkward when he explained what had happened to his parents. Not that he could blame them. Death was always awkward. "My parents they -- er -- died when I was one." 

  Harry prepared himself for the oh I'm so sorry or that's horrible. Instead, Ginny reached across the table and took his free hand. She didn't say anything, just squeezed his fingers. Warmth spread from her touch. Normally, Harry would retreat from the conversation when his parents were brought up, but for the first time in a long time, he felt like he could talk about it. 

  "It - They were murdered by an old friend of theirs from Hogwarts.” His throat always closed up every time he said those words. Harry could see the surprise in Ginny’s eyes, but she still didn’t say a word, letting him be in complete control. “Peter, their friend, joined a gang and his leader knew my parents had money, so he and Peter went to go rob my parents. Things went -- South in the end.”

  “I’d say things were South from the start.” Ginny twisted their joined hands so she could rub her thumb over his palm. 

  To Harry’s surprise, he laughed. “Yeah, you could say that.”

  “So your godfather raised you after that?”

  He nodded. “Sirius and Remus, actually. They were both friends with my father, but Sirius is legally my godfather. Remus is now a teacher up at Hogwarts, and Sirius owns a muggle motorcycle shop.” 

  “Really? You don’t hear about many wizards starting muggle businesses.”

  “Sirius has always loved bikes. He told me it started just because his parents hated anything to do with muggles, but then he realized how interesting they were. And after what happened to my parents -- Sirius said the muggle world was a nice break from it all.” Harry realized how dry his throat had become and took a deep drag from his pint. 

  “And I’m guessing he knows how to ride them?” Ginny was still looking at him as if there weren’t twenty other people in the pub, as if there weren’t  an entire world outside that front door. It sent shivers down his spine. 

  “Yeah, and he taught me.” 

  Ginny’s grin became wider and a little mischievous. “ Really ?” She slid her hand out of his, Harry instantly bemoaned the loss of her touch. She linked her own fingers together in a praying stance. “How long do I have to beg for you to take me on a ride?”

  “You -- you wanna go for a ride?” 

  “Hell yeah! I’ve never met anyone who actually knows how to drive a muggle vehicle.” She waved her hands in excitement.“My father works for the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts Office in England, and he’s gone on and on about motorbikes and automobiles. He’s also obsessed with aeroplanes, but that’s another thing entirely.”

  Harry couldn’t stop staring as Ginny eagerly chattered. She was...amazing wasn’t a strong enough word.  “I’d love to take you for a ride sometime.” 

  Ginny beamed at him. “Awesome! When would you be free? Tonight?”

  “Well, night time isn’t the best time.” Harry paused, going through his mental calendar. “We have practice all week, but I should be free next Saturday. Maybe go sometime in the morning?”

  Before Harry could comprehend what was happening, Ginny had risen from her chair and her arms were wrapped around his neck. “That’s perfect, Harry! Thank you!” 

  Her flowery scent filled his lungs, making his mind lose connection to the rest of his body for a moment. When he finally came back to his senses he stuttered his response. “O -- Of course. Any time.”

  “I’m gonna go get you another pint,” Ginny proclaimed as she drew back. Harry watched her practically skip across the room. He let out a long breath. Harry knew when he was in trouble. Self-preservation had always been a strong skill of his, and at that moment, he knew he was in way too deep. Yet, he had no desire or will to evaluate the turbulent situation. No, instead all his mind could do was think of was ways to get Ginny to wrap her arms around him again. 

  Fuck, he was in so much trouble… 

[parkmin--seo]

task 005 - zodiac signs

question 1

What is your character’s zodiac sign?

Minnie is a Capricorn. 

question 2

List at least 3 negative traits that your character’s sign has. Does your character exhibit these traits? Give examples or explain a time when they have behaved in this way.

Conceited  Distrusting  Unimaginative 

Minnie absolutely does not exhibit any of those traits. She is far too shy and easily embarrassed to ever be considered conceited. Her imagination is incredibly vivid and very child-like; to say an artist and a fashion designer lacks the ability to be imaginative would be a lie. The only one that is even the slightest bit accurate is the distrusting part, but even that is a bit of a stretch. The only person she is distrusting toward is Leo and even then, that has less to do with her being distrusting than it does to do with the rocky relationship that the two of them have. 

question 3

List at least 3 positive traits that your character’s sign has. Does your character exhibit these traits? Give examples or explain a time when they have behaved in this way.

Patient  Ambitious  Loyal 

I would say that Minnie is most certainly all three of the above. A great example of her patience would be kind of how she didn’t snap on Mo during the open house, a very clear showing of how she tends to be patient with people. Her belief is that life is too short to always be in a hurry, that there isn’t anything wrong with waiting. Mostly, she just doesn’t see a point in getting upset over the little things. This doesn’t mean that has the patient of a saint and never gets irritated when she’s waiting longer than necessary, but patience is certainly one of her strong suits. 

Though it doesn’t often show, Minnie is incredibly ambitious. It’s in the little things, like how she’s constantly sketching or shouting her love for design and even showing off her dresses. She has dreams and goals and isn’t afraid to go after what she wants. Yes, she’s timid and may be more hesitant than others, but she always forces herself to push past her nerves and any doubts she feels because she refuses to give up until she gets to live the life that she wants to and influence the world with her work.

Whether or not Minnie is loyal is up for debate. I’d say that 99.9% of the time she is, but the one time she wasn’t, she had her reasons-- or at least, she thought she had her reasons and feels extreme guilt for not staying loyal to the person she hurt. Some examples of her being loyal is how she’s always there for her friends ( like when she was taking care of Caleb when he was hungover after waking up in her closet, always trying to ensure that Kenzie is okay, even being concerned for Leo after one of the fights he’d gotten into ). She isn’t the type to turn her back on someone, not without what she feels is a good reason ( even if that reason wasn’t actually justifiable in the end, it felt like it at the time ). 

question 4

If there are any specific opposing traits that your character has which isn’t typical for their sign, what traits are they? (i.e. Their sign says they’re stubborn but they’re actually a pushover) Give examples of this opposing behaviour.

Her sign says that she is conceited, which is mostly certainly not. If anything, she’s timid. There are many examples of this, such as a conversation she had with Marin, about how she doesn’t like accepting compliments because they make her feel embarrassed. She’s constantly arguing that her designs could be better and that she isn’t deserving of praise for them. When people call her pretty, she blushes and argues because she feels like she looks like an adorable doll, rather than the beautiful girl a lot of people try to tell her that she is. Conceited is undoubtedly one of the last words that I, or I think anyone, would ever use to describe Minnie. 

question 5

Which zodiac sign associated traits does your character exhibit that would be obvious to others? Which traits aren’t as obvious?

I think the only trait that is truly obvious is that she’s loyal. It isn’t necessarily obvious that she’s ambitious, unless she says or does something to make someone realize that she is. I feel like a lot of her personality doesn’t exactly scream ambition. 

question 6

Overall, do you find that your character’s sign suits their personality? Why or why not?

Yes and no. The positive traits certainly suit her, but the negative traits don’t exactly fit who she is a person.

question 7

Which aspect under the “In a Nutshell” header do you think describes your character the best? The least?

The only part of the ‘In a nutshell’ sections I feel suits Minnie is that she has a very active mind. She’s one of those who can often struggle to sleep at night because her mind is always running, filled with creative ideas. As far as everything else goes, the reasoning for why a Capricorn is a certain trait doesn’t suit her in the slightest. She’s ambitious, but she doesn’t want to have control over everything and everyone in her life. The thing that fits her the least, however, is that Capricorns see everything in black and white, because Minnie doesn’t think anything in life is ever that simple; there is always a gray area. 

question 8

Which aspect under the “Deep Inside” header do you think describes your character the best? The least?

The only slightly accurate part under this particular header is that she presents many faces to the world. While others are unaware of it, most smiles she wears are a fake and she isn’t as happy as she presents herself to be. Still, I wouldn’t say she’s necessarily self-contained. I think the part of description that least fits Minnie, however, is the part about them needing financial security, because Minnie doesn’t truly care about those sorts of things. She’s perfectly happy with what she has and while obviously everyone wants to be secure, it isn’t like she’s striving for the things she wants solely for the opportunity to ensure she’ll never have any worries in life. 

question 9

Read the “How to Attract” header of your character’s sign. Do you find this accurately describes what would draw them to another person?

I can’t accurately answer this because I’m not entirely positive what type of person Minnie would feel attracted to. The only part that stuck out to me was the faithful part, because obviously she would want someone who wouldn’t stray from her. 

question 10

Did you already have a birthday chosen for your character? Had you considered the sign associated with that date? If you don’t find that your character fits the descriptions of their sign, which of the other signs do you think they’re like?

I already had a birthday chosen whenever I first started working on Minnie’s introduction, but I definitely did not consider that she is almost absolutely nothing like her sign. I think she could fit a Pisces, because of their tendency to be creative and empathetic. She also can be overly emotional, just not outwardly and she’s way more sensitive than she allows anyone to see. 

question 11

Are there any additional descriptions you found in your reading that stand out to you or also describe your character well? What were they?

Underneath the ‘Friendship’ section, it states that Capricorns are sympathetic, caring, and helpful to their friends and Minnie is certainly a prime example of those things. She tries to be a good friend always and will never hesitate to be there whenever a friend needs her, even if they won’t admit that they need her. She doesn’t mind being a shoulder to lean on or lending an ear to listen. She’ll even try to offer advice, though she isn’t the greatest at it; anything to help a friend. 

[haledamage]

Rhicember 12/23

I don’t know whether to smack you or kiss you. - Kai/Rekke

(EDIT: now on AO3!)

“It’s open!” Kai called as a knock sounded at her door.

Rekke poked his head through a moment later, grinning in a way she found both charming and suspicious. “I have something for you,” he said in greeting.

Definitely more suspicious than charming, then. She gestured for him to come in, and she stood up to walk around her desk as he shut the door behind him.

“I sent a letter with the first explorers past the Mortar.”

“You're the first explorer past the Mortar, darling,” she interrupted, but then his announcement caught up to her and she stopped abruptly, reeling in shock.

“Past where the Mortar used to be,” he continued as if he didn’t notice her distress. “My sister was very surprised to hear that I did not die. Less surprised that I did not want to come home.” Without another word of explanation, he pulled a book out from one of his pockets and held it out to her. “You said you enjoy history, ta? This is a book of the history of Lipsalis. You can learn about my people and practice your Seki at the same time.”

“Is there something wrong with my Seki?” she asked as she took the offered book, turning it over slowly in her hands.

“Spoken, no. You learn very quickly. Written, your letters are still… very Aedyran.” His smile was disarming, making sure she didn’t think he was insulting her. “It is good to practice.”

“Rekke, this is… very sweet. And very stupid.” That felt like an understatement, Kai thought as she traced her fingers over the soft leather cover. “It was probably really dangerous to send that letter.”

“My sister is not that scary,” Rekke said with a laugh. “Okay, maybe sometimes she is.”

She sat the book carefully on the table and looked up at him again. “You know that's not what I meant.”

“I know. It does not matter. If I get in trouble, I get back out again.” His dark eyes were very sincere. “Do you like it, Kiki?”

“I love it,” she said, because it was the truth. “But I don't know whether to smack you or kiss you.”

A coy, inviting smirk spread across his face. “If you are looking for suggestions, I know which I would prefer, ta?”

“I think I know which I'd prefer too,” she said quietly. She took a slow step closer.

Then she smacked him on the arm, just hard enough to make a point. She doubted he could even feel it through the padding of his armor, but he still let out a startled yelp.

“That is for smuggling historical documents across the Mortar before we've even established diplomatic relations.” She grabbed his armor by the collar to drag him closer and stood on tip-toe to brush her lips across his cheek. “But thank you for the book, darling. It's perfect.”

She pulled away, but he stopped her before she got far, curling his hand gently across her cheek. His thumb brushed lightly along her bottom lip. “I thought you were going to kiss me, Kiki.”

He waited for a handful of endless seconds to see if she would pull away or tell him no. She didn’t, and he leaned back down to her again.

Even though she saw it coming, Kai still gasped when his lips touched hers. Rekke froze like he hadn’t actually expected to get that far. They stayed that way for a long moment, neither of them pulling away or pressing forward, and when it became clear to her that he wasn’t going to take initiative, she took matters into her own hands. She slid her hands up into the soft, magnificent waves of his hair, pulled him closer, and kissed him like she meant it.

It was not a storybook first kiss. Both of them were so surprised it was actually happening that they couldn’t remember how. Rekke seemed to have forgotten where to put his hands; they flitted from her face to her hair to her waist before finally coming to rest on her shoulders.

The reality of the situation came crashing down and Kai pulled away from him, scrambling halfway across the room. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have--I didn’t mean--”

“It is okay, Kiki.” Rekke chuckled, holding a hand up to calm her down. Still, his other hand drifted to his lips and he couldn’t seem to stop grinning. He looked her over, and whatever he saw made his grin turn teasing. He asked, slyly and entirely too knowingly, “Was that your first kiss?”

“No!” She looked away from him, feeling her face get warm with embarrassment, and reluctantly admitted, “It was my second. My first kiss was a few weeks ago. With Edér, under the damn mistletoe.”

His chuckle became a full, delighted cackle and he collapsed on the edge of her bed, shaking with laughter.

She crossed her arms over her chest. “I don’t see what’s so funny about that.”

“All… All the times I have wanted to kiss you,” Rekke said through his laughter. “To know… to know I could have been the first and it was taken from me by a holiday tradition. I really do have the strangest luck, ta?”

“How,” Kai’s voice came out an undignified squeak. She cleared her throat and tried again, “how often have you wanted to kiss me?”

“Every day since we met.”

“What?”

“You did not know? Yukag?” She couldn’t tell if the look he gave her was awe or pity. She chose to believe the former. “I have not tried to hide it. No less than four of your friends have approached to gently threaten me. Twice from Aloth, but one was the… the other Aloth. The angry woman. At least, I think she was threatening me.” Softly, nervously, he added, “Was it that bad?”

“No! It was--that’s not--” Curse her uncooperative tongue. She knew a dozen different languages and couldn’t seem to form a coherent sentence in any of them.

“It is okay, Kiki,” he said again, and he seemed to understand what she was trying to say even if she couldn’t say it. “You do not have to be scared of me, ta?”

“I’m not scared of you, darling. I’m scared of…” but she paused, unsure how to finish that sentence. There was too much noise in her head right now. Her quarters were too small to contain both of them. Rekke seemed both very close and too far away. Unable to find the words she wanted, she changed the subject entirely. “You are looking entirely too pleased with yourself, Rekke.”

“I have never seen you so unsure of yourself. I did not know you knew how.” He took a step toward her, and when she didn’t bolt in the other direction, he took another. He still couldn’t stop smiling, giddy and smug and insufferably attractive. “It was only a kiss.”

“Only,” Kai scoffed. His grin only grew wider. “What happens now?”

“Now, I will leave you alone so you can panic in peace.” Something must have shown on her face, because his smile softened. “I am not offended, Kiki. It is part of who you are, ta? One of the things I--” he cut himself off abruptly and looked away, face turning red. “You panic, you take your time, and then you come find me. Nothing will happen that you do not want to happen.”

“What do you want to happen?”

“I do not think I should answer that."

“Oh, it’s like that, is it?” Kai couldn’t help but smirk at him, trying to get herself back on steady ground. “Keep your secrets then, darling. For now.”

“No secrets,” Rekke said plainly. “They are yours when you are ready for them. As am I.”

She was very proud of herself for not outright flinching at that, though she did inhale sharply like the words impacted a little too hard. In a carefully controlled tone, she said, “I will take that under consideration.”

“Good. You should come find me, if you need a reminder.” He brushed his knuckles across her cheek, and she looked up at him in surprise; she hadn’t realized he was so close. He dropped his voice to a sweet, gentle murmur. “Let me try again, when you are ready, ta? Let me do it right.”

She was still trying to figure out how to respond to that when he left the room.

-------

Kai managed to avoid him for almost two weeks. It wasn’t hard to do in a city like Neketaka; there was always work that needed doing, especially for a woman of her reputation. She spent the time she couldn’t fill with work pouring over the book Rekke had given her as if it held the answers she was looking for. If it did, they were enigmatic; she could only decipher two-thirds of the book at her current ability to read Seki, and… well, it’s not like she could ask him for help. Not yet.

Rekke was respectful of her need for space, which she appreciated, though it also brought to light exactly how much time she’d been spending with him. His absence now made her feel like she had when she’d first cut off all her hair - clumsy, off balance, strangely light-headed. She missed him.

Serafen did not respect her need for space. He was there every time she turned around, never saying anything but always watching. He clearly knew something, though how much she didn’t ask and he didn’t offer the information. She didn’t want to talk to him about it, but she knew she needed to talk to someone and he clearly had no intention of leaving her alone until she did.

Edér was the first thought since he knew her best, but as sweet as he could be he lacked the right perspective. Aloth had even less experience in romantic endeavors than she did, and was even more cautious, so she couldn’t ask him, and she couldn’t ask Tekēhu either for the opposite reason. That left her options very limited.

"I wish Kana was here," she said to the empty ocean, leaning on her elbows and staring off the side of her ship.

"Ain’t that Maia’s brother?" Xoti said jovially as she leaned next to Kai. Kai tried not to make it obvious how much the priestess had just startled her half to death. "Are you friends with him?"

"That's a very long story, but yes. We met in the Dyrwood, more than six years ago now. He gives good advice," Kai admitted, "and I find myself in need of some."

'Anything I can help with?"

"Maybe." She looked down at the water lapping at the side of the ship. She considered which was a worse fate: confiding in Xoti and her knowing but sympathetic smile, or the crushing depths below. She took a deep breath to put the steel back in her spine. "I kissed Rekke."

"I knew it!" Xoti exclaimed, clapping her hands together in glee. "Y’all’ve been actin’ real weird the last couple o’ weeks. I knew something must’ve happened." She tilted her head, curious about the carefully blank look on Kai's face. "I woulda thought you’d be happier about that, Kai."

"Did you."

"Well, sure. You’ve been dancin’ around each other for months now. You’re smitten. You both are. Everyone can see it." She tilted her head the other way, bird-like, keen eyes seeing through Kai's attempts at stoicism. "It scares you, huh?"

"It terrifies me," Kai admitted quietly. "I’ve spent most of my life trying to avoid getting… attached to people. It took a long time just to get used to the idea that I had friends. That I could have friends. This…" she struggled once more to find the right words "this thing with Rekke is far beyond that."

"You could start by callin’ it what it is. You’re smitten, Watcher."

"I am. Beasts take me, I am." She turned and slid down to sit on the deck of the ship, leaning her head back against the familiar, worn wood. After a moment, Xoti sat next to her. "What do I do, Xoti?"

The priestess tapped her fingers against her chin thoughtfully. “What do you wanna do? That seems like the best place to start.”

Kai closed her eyes so she didn’t have to look at Xoti as she whispered, “I want to kiss him again. I can’t stop thinking about it. About him.”

“Then I don’t see what you’re still waitin’ on.”

“I may have…” Kai groaned and covered her face with both hands, “I may have panicked a bit last time and then spent the last two weeks avoiding him.”

Xoti laughed, clearly delighted by this whole conversation. “You sure don’t like to do things the easy way, do ya?”

“So I’ve been told.”

Xoti nudged Kai’s shoulder with her own. “Got good taste, Watcher. He’s real pretty.”

Kai grinned, wide and infatuated. “He is.”

“Lookit you. Smitten.”

“How long do you think it will take someone to notice if I toss you off the boat, my dear?” Kai said dryly, raising an eyebrow.

Xoti’s smile was completely unrepentant. “Gettin’ rid of me won’t hide the truth.”

-------

Kai still avoided Rekke for another two days, trying to get her thoughts in order, but she couldn’t stall their next trip out into open water. Once they were out there it was clear there could be no more hiding from it.

She tried to keep her mind active and her nerves in check while she waited for the proper opportunity to present itself, so she sat down at her desk to sort through and reply to some of the letters spread across its surface. She had just finished writing and sealing the last missive when a soft knock sounded at the door. She had a sinking feeling she already knew who it was. "Come in, darling."

Sure enough, Rekke cracked the door open just enough to poke his head in. "Serafen said you wished to speak with me."

Of course he did. As loudly as she could without risking being heard by non-ciphers, she thought NOSY BASTARD. She was pretty sure she heard his familiar raspy laugh from somewhere past the door. "Come in," she said again.

Rekke stepped into the room and shut the door behind him. He glanced at the pile of papers in front of her, the top one with a still-drying wax seal. “You are busy.”

“I am always busy. But I can always make time for you, darling.” She was willing to forgive how sappy that sounded if only for the way he lit up at her words. “I was actually about to come looking for you. Good thing I have such thoughtful friends as Serafen to save me the trouble.”

“He is a nosy little bastard, ta?”

Kai laughed in surprise to hear her own thoughts echoed back at her. “He is. But maybe I’ll forgive him, just this once. I…” she took a deep, fortifying breath. “I want to start by apologizing. For avoiding you. For… for running away.”

Rekke took a slow step further into the room, expression uncharacteristically serious. “You did not run away. You are still here.”

“I thought about it. I’m still thinking about it.” She stood up and paced the small space from her desk to her bed and back, feeling cornered even though the only one making any demands of her was herself. “I’m very good at running away, darling. I’ve been doing it for a very long time. Sometimes I don’t think I remember how to do anything else. But I don’t… I don’t want to. Not this time. Not from this. Not from you.”

“Then if you run, I will just chase you,” he said, like it was obvious, like he had never even considered anything else. “For as long as I need to. You are worth it.”

She grimaced and had to look away. “Rekke, you can’t just say things like that.”

“Why not? It is the truth.” He waited until she looked back at him and held her gaze, every inch of him radiating sincerity. “You are worth it. You deserve to be happy. I want to make you happy.”

Kai fought the urge to back away from him and instead took a couple steps closer. “I don’t know how to do this.”

“Do not worry, Kiki. I can be very patient.”

“Yes. I can see that.” She took a few more steps forward. She stopped in front of him, close enough to touch. He didn’t reach for her. She could see that he wanted to, but he didn’t move. The next step had to be hers. “May I…?”

“Ta,” he said quickly, not even waiting to know what she was asking. “Please.”

She slowly, very slowly, lifted a hand toward his face. His eyes fluttered shut as soon as she touched him, leaning into her careful caress, and so she let herself do what she’d wanted to for months and trailed her fingers softly down the length of his scar, across his cheek and lips and chin.

Her whole life, she had never understood the appeal, had never seen what everyone found so attractive about her red hair and freckles. Looking at Rekke like this, it finally made sense. He really was beautiful, with his long copper lashes and dark green eyes and the hint of mischief ever-present in his smile. She traced the pads of her fingers over his jaw and cheeks, finding patterns among his freckles, and a part of her wondered if she could convince him to do the same with hers.

Rekke moved suddenly, turning his head to press a kiss to her palm, then took her hand in his and pressed another kiss to her knuckles. He lowered her hand from his face and held it to his chest instead; she could feel his heart racing underneath her palm.

“Too much, darling?”

“Ta. But also no.” His voice shook with barely contained emotion. Kai wanted to ask what that emotion was, but was scared he’d actually tell her. Then he opened his eyes and met hers and he may as well have told her anyway. There was such an endless depth of longing in them that it took her breath away. “Kiki,” he whispered, and then softer, reverently, “Kai.”

Oh. Oh no. Kai felt like the solid deck beneath her feet shifted and the world tipped sideways. She moved closer to Rekke as if his presence could help steady her, even if he’s what had her reeling in the first place.

His free hand curled around the back of her neck; his eyes shifted to it momentarily, as if he was surprised to see it there, as if he hadn’t meant to do that. “I think I should go.”

Kai bit the inside of her cheek to stop herself from protesting. Instead she just nodded. Rekke took a large step backwards and she let her hand fall away from his chest back to her side.

He took another step back, moving away from her to make his way to the door. He paused when he got there, considering, and pulled something out of an inner pocket of his jacket, turning around to place it wordlessly in her hands.

Kai looked at the object she held, turning it over in her hands. “You got me another book? How many of these do you have?” she asked incredulously. “You remember I told you how dangerous this was right now, right?”

“I remember. I also remember you said ‘thank you’ and ‘I love it,’ and then you kissed me.” His smile finally returned, proud and a bit impish. “I have done much stupider things for less worthy reasons.”

“There are easier ways to get me to kiss you than smuggling me books.”

“Ta. Tell me and I will do those instead.” He nodded stiffly, almost a formal bow, and gave her one last sweet, hesitant smile before he opened the door. “Good night, Kiki.”

[we-rate-warrior-names]

i followed this blog on my old account and i remember loving how you described my ocs :), so how about Tigerwillow (f), Finchstorm (m), Ravencloud (f), Milkflower (f), Obsidianwhisker (m), Opalclaw (f), Hookstar (m), Hurricanepath (f), Murkslash (m), Sporeclaw (m), and Bonepaw (m)? i'm sorry these are a lot but these are my fav names i've made but i'd like to see how you'd think of some of them :)

No need to apologise, I hope you enjoy these!

Tigerwillow - A skilful and thoughtful she-cat. Tigerwillow will always thinks before she acts and she tries not to blindly follow orders wherever possible, she likes to do what she believes is right, and when she feels particularly passionate about something she becomes bold enough to suggest an alternative, even if this directly contradicts her leader. Tigerwillow can easily move silently through the densest undergrowth, despite her strength, this combination of attributes means that she is a powerful warrior, and she is greatly respected amongst all the clans for the mercy she shows in battle, she will never continue to attack a cat that is clearly beaten, and will even wave a signal with her tail for a medicine cat to come over before she jumps back into action, 15/10

Finchstorm- An energetic and determined tom. Finchstorm will never give up on anything he sets his mind to, no matter what happens, many cats can’t help but admire his stubbornness. Finchstorm is always ready and eager to do something, he just can’t seem to sit still, if he ever gets a free moment where he isn’t expected to do anything, he will often go and hunt or practise his battle moves, even in the middle of the night if he can’t sleep, which is a reasonably regular occurrence, 15/10

Ravencloud - An intelligent and curious she-cat. Ravencloud likes to know everything she can, she is always investigating things, ranging from new clump of plants in her territory or the possibility another clan is hiding something. Ravencloud is a quick thinker and can easily keep a cool head in a crisis since she looks at things logically and works problems out that way, so she never overthinks things, only ever seeing a situation for what it is, 15/10

Milkflower- A kind and hardworking she-cat. Milkflower always puts 100% into everything she does, she is always more than happy to help a clanmate and would hate to let them down, so she always carries out every task as it is the most important thing in the world to complete. Milkflower has a very motherly nature and is always looking out for the well-being of her clanmates, and it isn’t uncommon for a cat to come and ask her for advice, she will always happily help a cat with whatever they need, even if it’s just a sympathetic ear and some comfort, 15/10

Obsidianwhisker - An introverted and serious tom. Obsidianwhisker largely keeps to himself, but that doesn’t stop him judging other cats, he will silently judge warriors he sees messing around when they are supposed to be on duty, they are supposed to be warriors, not apprentices. Obsidianwhisker will speak up to make his voice heard when he feels it is needed, but he prefers not to, but he will often openly growl to make his opinion heard if he disagrees with something, cats kind of prefer to stay away from him because of his gloomy nature and that suits him just fine, 15/10

Opalclaw- A skilful and thoughtful she-cat. Opalclaw prides herself on her precision, she hasn’t missed a single target in hunting or battle since she was an apprentice, and she works hard in order to maintain this skill, often going out at night to swipe at fast-flying insects to do so. Opalclaw will always consider political situations carefully before offering her input, and she will never make a judgement until she knows all the facts of a situation, if she does get involved, it is almost impossible to beat her in an argument as she tries to make sure she is as knowledgeable about a situation as possible before getting involved, 13/10

Hookstar- A confident and determined tom. Hookstar will always rise to a challange, he is determined to not be known as a weak leader of a weak clan, Hookstar wants the story of his reign to be told for seasons to come for all the best reasons. Hookstar will never hesitate to make a show of strength to the other clans, and he always likes to ensure his warriors are in top condition, and will once a season he asks each of his apprenticeless warriors to be involved in at least one apprentice battle training session in order to help keep their skills sharp. Hookstar’s greatest fear is being remembered as a weak leader, so he will do anything to prove his strength, 14/10

Hurricanepath- A bold and adventurous she-cat. Hurricanepath is amazingly strong, she can easily knock a cat over and send them tumbling for a tail-length with a single swipe, she is not a cat you want to get on the bad side on, but her strength also gives her confidence and she is always the first to volunteer for anything, the more dangerous the better. Hurricanepath always lives for adventure and loves to try new things, and will even on occasion sneak off at night and do a little exploring and hope no one notices, if they do, she just claims she was tracking a fox scent and cats tend to leave her alone, they know that if they were to challange her they would just lose anyway and besides she’s friendly enough when she’s not in battle, and no cat wants to find out what happens if you decide to make an enemy of her, 15/10

Murkslash - A creative and introverted tom. Many cats think Murkslash is a little odd, mainly because he gets excited for the rain to come, because rain means mud, and Murkslash uses the mud to make patterns on rocks, often taking great pride in his work, but he gets embarrassed by this hobby so he tries to keep it as quiet as possible, but always after a storm patrols will notice dried mud patterns on rocks, and many think it’s actually rather pretty until the rain washes it away again and Murkslash gets to draw something new. Murkslash lacks the confidence to speak in crowds and he doesn’t do well under pressure, having to lead a patrol is his worst nightmare, as he will get nervous and make what he perceives to be embarrassing mistakes. However, Murkslash is a beast in battle, the strokes he uses when making his mud patterns have helped him with his paw and claw movements, allowing him to land strong and precise blows when he needs to, 14/10

Sporeclaw- A mischievous and skilful tom. Sporeclaw will never say no to causing a little bit of harmless chaos, he finds great amusement at the inconvenience of others and he can barely contain his purrs about thinking about what he plans to do next. When he isn’t causing mischief, Sporeclaw will often be found hunting, since he has always been a gifted hunter and enjoys it almost as much as he does pranking, he will often challange himself to see how many pieces of prey he can catch from sunhigh to to sunset, even having a competition with a friend or two if they are available, 13/10

Bonepaw- A serious and intelligent tom. Bonepaw takes his apprenticeship very seriously, he wants to prove himself to his clan and show what potential he has. Bonepaw will never stop trying to learn a technique unless he is sure he has gotten it perfect, and he will often recite things under his breath repeatedly in order to help him remember them. Bonepaw stays out of the other apprentices playing around, he believes that games belong in the nursery, he believes that apprenticeships need to be taken seriously or a cat will never become a warrior, and Bonepaw wants to be a warrior more than anything in the world, 14/10

[bakermaxines]

ask me to stay. | chapter three | 7.4k

Eddie frowned. “What? I mean, I know that Beverly wasn’t allowed to room with you but why have you always been by yourself?”

“Because you weren’t here.” Richie replied honestly. Eddie frowned slightly, wanting to sit up and have a more serious conversation but he couldn’t deny that he liked the way Richie was hovering over him. “I wasn’t allowed to stay with Bev, and nobody else wants to share a room with the Trashmouth.”

[or: the year is 1994, and Eddie Kaspbrak is in love.]

chapter warnings: internalized homophobia, so much pining it puts the last chapter to shame, miscommunications (yes. plural.), and so much rain it could be biblical. 

read on AO3!

Eddie woke suddenly to the sound of tapping, feeling crabby and disorientated. It took him too long to realize where he was, curled up in the front bed of Richie’s truck in a nasty highway motel blanket. It wasn’t raining anymore, but the sky foretold the possibility of more. Richie was leaning against the truck, knocking lightly against the window with his knuckles.

Eddie opened the door and tumbled out, barely managing to keep his legs standing in an upright position. Richie took a step back rather than reaching out to help steady Eddie’s legs, and Eddie’s heart cracked slightly.

“Mike’s here.” Richie said simply, gesturing towards the car when Richie and Mike had clearly already loaded their stuff into. Eddie frowned.

“I thought Bill was coming to get us,” Eddie asked sleepily, rubbing at his eyes. Richie seemed to give a half a smirk, before pressing his lips together and glaring angrily down at the ground.

“Billy boy getting up early to come get us?” Richie asked lightly, giving Mike a quick salute as they approached. Mike glanced between them and raised his brow at Eddie. Eddie shrugged, moving to get into the back seat of Bill’s mom’s car.

“You can take the front, Spaghetti.” Richie cut in, starting to walk backwards. “I’m going to take the truck. Can’t just leave it here for days.”

“Wait, Richie!” Eddie cried as his friend started to walk away. “You can’t take that truck, I don’t think it’s going to get you the whole way! I don’t think it’s going to-”

“It will.” Richie said firmly, if not a little softly. He gave a small smile to Eddie, patting him on the shoulder. “I know it will. ‘Cuz you fixed it, Eddie.”

Eddie swallowed a little roughly as he watched Richie turn and walk back to the truck, He watched as he got in, and pulled out of the motel parking lot. As the truck disappeared down the dirt road back towards the highway, Eddie finally turned to look at Mike.

“Awe, little lamb.” Mike wrapped an arm around Eddie’s shoulder, who immediately leaned into him and sighed sadly. “What did you do?”

Eddie slumped against the door of the car and gave Mike what he knew was a pitiful look, going to the full extent of sticking out his bottom lip and batting his eyelashes. “Richie’s mad at me for not sleeping in the bed with him.”

“He’s mad at you?” Mike asked with a disbelieving laugh. He shook his head and opened the car door for him. Eddie ducked in, crossing his arms around his chest and huffing as he stared out the window. Mike got into the driver's seat and began to pull out of the parking lot. “I don’t know what happened here, but I can promise you that Richie is not mad at you, Eddie. I don’t think the guy has ever been mad at you in his entire existence.”

“That’s not true!” Eddie cried indignantly. “Back before you became friends with us, in second grade, I stole the fruit roll up from Richie’s lunch box and he was furious.”

“And how long did he stay mad at you, lamb?” Mike asked gently as he pulled back onto the highway.

Eddie scowled at the rain clouds in the sky and exhaled hard. “Half an hour, he forgave me when I cried because he wouldn’t talk to me.”

Mike laughed, reaching out with a hand and ruffling at Eddie’s head. “Don’t worry about it, Eddie, okay? Even if Richie is mad at you- which I doubt, by the way- it’s not going to last. I’d bet you anything that by the time we get up to the house, Richie will have forgotten all about whatever was going on between you.”

Eddie bit down on his bottom lip, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. His chest suddenly felt tight, and his brain went a little off the grids. He supposed if there was anybody he’d been completely safe talking to, it was Mike Hanlon. “I like him,” Eddie blurted out, barely giving it thought at all. “Not like I’m supposed to, or like he’s my best friend. I like him really like him.”

It was quiet for a long moment, long enough that panic started to fully settle in Eddie’s gut, before Mike’s hand came down and squeezed Eddie’s wrist. “I know, little lamb,” Mike said softly. He didn’t take his eyes off the road, and Eddie pressed his free hand against his cheek. Just watching Mike. Waiting for something more. “I’ve known for a while. Don’t worry, I don’t think anybody else noticed anything.”

“Does… does Richie…” Eddie rubbed his hand against his cheek now, heart in his throat and leg bouncing erratically. “Does Richie know?” He managed to squeak out.

Mike glanced at him from the corner of his eyes, smiling slightly. “I can’t answer that. Who ever knows what’s going on in Richie’s head, really. I’m sure that Richie cares about you enough that if he did know, it wouldn’t matter.”

“I’m not going to tell him.” Eddie said firmly. He noticed Mike raising his eyebrows but Eddie started shaking his head. “I don’t want any well meaning advice. Shove your advice up your ass, I’m going to stick with my plan of doing what I want.”

Mike chuckled, reaching out to turn on the radio and fiddling for a station. “Alright, alright. I just think that Richie would-”

“La la la!” Eddie shouted, slapping his hands over his ears and dramatically kicking his feet. “I said no advice!”

Mike clucked his tongue and looked ready to burst out laughing, but managed to contain it as they both watched the clouds pass by overhead as they moved towards an event in which they were trapped on a lake for the next three days.

It was raining when Mike pulled into the driveway. As Eddie moved to grab his things from the back of the car, he felt something getting tossed over the top of his head. Startling, and nearly dropping his rucksack, Eddie whipped around and saw Richie smiling down at him. The hand that wasn’t holding onto his rucksack grabbed for the fabric around him and found himself covered in one of Richie’s surprisingly nice sweaters.

“What’s this for?” Eddie asked, narrowing his eyes. He slipped the sweater on, popping the hood up and tossing his backpack onto his shoulders.

Richie grinned cheekily down at him. “You looked a little wet there, Eds.” He attempted to toss his arm around Eddie’s shoulder, but Eddie quickly dodged him. He glowered up at Richie, resenting not for the first or last time that Richie had so much height on him.

“Thought you were pissed at me?” Eddie accused him, stomping down and holding his ground. He noticed the rest of the Losers joined up under the roof on the front porch while Richie and Eddie stood together in the rain.

Richie’s brow furrowed. “I was never mad at you, Eds. You were the one being all fucking weird.”

“God, you’re the worst you know that!” Eddie snapped, that anger that was also so close to surface bubbling up once more. He clenched his fists at his sides. “You don’t understand anything do you?”

“Apparently not!” Richie tossed his arms out in an extravagant gesture, but he sounded more tired than angry.  “I don’t understand anything about anything, and I don’t know what I want or what I feel, and I’m just some big dumb lap dog you guys all put up with.”

Eddie blinked hard, physically reeling his head back at Richie’s aggressive response. “Rich, that’s not what I said.”

Richie held his hand up and gave a disgusted look. “Whatever, Eddie.” He pushed back Eddie, knocking their shoulders together, and Eddie’s stomach sunk the way it always did whenever Richie used his real time when addressing him. Eddie turned slowly to watch Richie stomp up the steps to the lake house and move inside without saying a word to anybody else. Eddie sighed hard, with his whole body, and dragged his feet the whole way to his friends.

Mike gave him a sympathetic, closed mouthed smile as Eddie approached that he returned. “D-D-Don’t worry about Ruh-Rich,” Bill said, patting Eddie softly on the shoulder and nodding at him. “He’s b-b-been in a b-b-bitch since he g-g-got here. Guess he and B-B-Bev are in s-s-ome loves q-q-q-quarrel.”

“Shut up, Denbrough,” Beverly said with a forced smile and an eye roll. “We didn’t even do anything. I just told him we needed to talk later when we had the chance. No need to make it into this big huge thing.”

Eddie frowned, kicking at the wooden porch and refused to meet Mike’s eye line as they stepped into the house. Everybody moved with ease as them came inside, knowing exactly what to do with their shoes and rain jackets, and Eddie felt that discontent that happened for him and the Losers sometimes. The reminder that his friends had spent multiple summers here before, but Eddie had never been allowed to go along. That his friends had many memories that didn’t involve him, because his mother had kept him from them.

“You okay, Eddie?” Beverly asked him, placing a hand on his elbow and smiling softly at him. Eddie felt that usual pang of guilt he got when he Beverly was nice to him- which yeah, happened often- and he tried to shake it free from his mind.

He smiled back at her. “Yeah, I’ve just never been here before. I’m not sure where-”

“Oh!” Beverly blinked in surprise. “Right! Sorry, Billy is the worst host. This is the first year his parents and Georgie aren’t here with us. I think you and Richie have the last room at the end of the hall upstairs. It’s house rules that Rich and I don’t get to share.”

Or is it because you’re broken up? Eddie thought a little snidely. He knew it wasn’t fair, and that Beverly wouldn’t even know that Eddie knew the truth about her and Richie’s relationship.

Ben “Bet Beverly is regretting not taking the ride with Richie yesterday,” Ben called out, looking over at them with a pursed smile. Forced and utterly fake, the look of somebody trying too hard. Eddie raised his brow and Beverly gave him a wrinkled nose smile. “You know, an excuse to be alone in the hotel room, some Bev and Richie time…”

“When have Richie and Bev ever needed an excuse to have sex?” Stan asked dryly, not bothering to look up from the box of records that Bill had on the coffee table. Eddie’s heart flip-flop in his chest, and Beverly glanced away awkwardly. She began ringing her hands then turned away, moving past their friends and further into the house.

“Okay, what is going with them?” Stan asked with an air of annoyance. His eyes fell to Eddie and narrowed. “Do you know something, Kaspbrak?”

Eddie felt his face flush. “Why I know anything? You- You’re his best friend, Stanley. Maybe you know something, and you’re just trying to keep the attention off of me.”

Stan gave him his mastered look of raising one eyebrow.

Eddie snapped his fingers. “Got ya.”

The rest of the Losers stared at him for awhile and Eddie felt his face turned bright red. He rubbed his face absentmindedly and shrugged up one shoulder awkwardly. “So… where is my room again?” He was quickly giving more detailed directions by Bill and moved through the long hallway. As he moved to let himself into the room, the door came open and Richie nearly ran into him.

Eddie’s mouth dropped open and he shuffled back slightly on an instinct. The expressionless look on Richie’s face darkened as he attempted to push past him. “Don’t worry, Eds. There’s two beds.”

“Wait, wait!” Eddie cried, reaching out and grabbing onto the back of Richie’s T-shirt. “Can we talk please? Rich?”

Richie exhaled hard. “Are you going to be mean to me for no reason again?”

Eddie sighed and glanced down at his shoes. “No. I’m sorry.”

Richie turned around slowly, tucking his hands into the back pockets of his shorts. “I don’t get you, Eddie. I used to be able to read you like an open book but somebody closed that book and put on a lock on it. If you’re going to be a locked book, I need you to try and tell me what the pages say.”

“I don’t want to be a closed book,” Eddie said sadly. He took steps closer to Richie, letting their legs press together where they stood. Richie tilted his chin down to look at him, smiling through the still apparent sadness in his eyes. “I’m… working on it, okay?”

Richie shrugged one shoulder. Eddie shuffled forward and wrapped his arms gently around Richie’s middle. There was a moment of awkwardness where Eddie felt his heart start to hammer his chest, before he felt Richie’s arm wrap back around his shoulders, a hand cupping the back of Eddie’s head. His fingers scratched at Eddie’s scalp, pressing his cheek against the top of Eddie’s head.

“I was never mad at you, Eds.”

“I was never mad at you, either.”

Eddie wasn’t sure how long they stayed standing like that, arms around each other, Eddie’s face pressed against Richie’s collar bone and Richie’s head rested on his. They stood like that until the sound of someone clearing their throat broke through to them. Eddie stumbled away from Richie’s hold, ending back up against the wall while Richie just looked casually towards their new guest. Eddie swallowed a little roughly at the sight of Beverly looking patiently between them, and Eddie knew he probably looked incredibly guilty in that moment.

“Hey, sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt,” Beverly said pleasantly. She stepped forward and wrapped her hand around Richie’s wrist. “But I was thinking maybe now would be a good time for us to talk? The rain doesn’t look like it’s going to let up anytime soon, so Bill is going to set up some card game and dinner so…”

Richie cleared his throat a little, scratching at the back of his head.  “Uh.. yeah, no. This is fine, we should do this.” Richie gave Eddie a little nod and a small smile. “We’re cool, right Eds?”

“Yeah,” Eddie lied with a nod. “We’re totally cool. It’s fine.” Eddie fumbled with the door to his and Richie’s room and tumbled in with his stuff, as Richie scuffed the toe of his shoe into the ugly rug on top of the hardwood floor.

“So, what’s up Bev Bev?” Richie asked, giving her a classic lopsided grin.

“I was just uh…” Beverly bit her bottom lip then smiled. “I was wondering how long this break was going to last?”

Richie blinked then frowned at his ex-girlfriend. A million different thoughts bubbled up in his head, arguments and intelligent words, but all he could manage was to shake his head at her. “Beverly, I didn't- this isn’t a break. I broke up with you. It’s over.”

“But,” Beverly gaped at him, mouth flopped open and shut like a fish out of water. “You kept saying that you loved me! The whole time and-”

“I do love you,” Richie said softly, furrowing his brow and tilting his head. “Beverly, you’re one of my favourite people in this world and I care so much about you. I’m just not in love with you.”

“I don’t understand what happened,” Beverly said tearfully, crossing her arms around her chest. “One second everything was fine, and the next you were breaking up with me and saying you weren’t in love with me anymore? This just came out of nowhere, I don’t know what I’m supposed to think!”

“Things haven’t been fine, Bev.” Richie said sharply, clenching his jaw. “I’ve been trying to be fine, pretend that everything was normal but I’m not and it isn’t. I’m sorry that you’re hurt and confused, Bev, I never wanted that and I wish I’ve could have found a way that didn’t leave you hurt but I’m not… I’m not going to spend my entire life pretending to be in love with you.”

“How long have you been pretending to still be in love with me?” Beverly asked, staring up at Richie with a shell shocked look on her face.

Richie clenched his jaw and mentally cursed himself. He stepped away from Beverly as he began to pace, pressing the palms of his hands against his eyes. “This is getting all fucked up. Why did we have to have this talk? Everything was fine after the first time!”

“That’s because you weren’t clear the first time!” Beverly shouted, tossing her hands up in the air. “I didn’t even know that you were breaking up with me!”

“I was fucking clear!” Richie shouted back, starting to turn red in the face. “You just weren’t fucknig listening to me, and just chose to hear whatever the fuck you wanted!”

The two of them stood and glared at each other until the door behind them clicked open, and Eddie shuffled out awkwardly. He wanted to move to Richie’s side, but he knew it wouldn’t be appropriate. Richie was just his friend, same as Beverly, and he couldn’t so obviously pick sides in a fight that shouldn’t involve him. He wanted nothing more than to rest a hand on Richie’s shoulder and gave him a reassuring smile, try to make his best friend feel better, but he acknowledged there was nothing he could do for Richie right now. He offered them both a small smile, and a slight nod. “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” Beverly popped her lips, looking away from Eddie with embarrassment written all over her face. “Richie and I were just…” She cleared her throat and forced a smile. “Breaking up, apparently. I’ll see you all downstairs later.”

Then Beverly was gone, turning on her heel and disappearing down the hall faster than Eddie had ever seen her move. She was practically running, and Eddie had to look away. There was a mixture of emotions in his gut right now, bouncing back and forth between excited that Richie and Beverly were publicly broken up and feeling completely guilty about being excited. Tossing the acknowledge anger for even feeling excited at all, as though just because Beverly and Richie breaking up meant anything for Eddie except that things were now going to be awkward in his friend group.

Richie was looking at him and Eddie supposed he was looking for something. Some advice, or some comfort. Eddie had nothing to give him. He looked down the hall to double check what he already knew about Beverly being gone, then stepped forward and curled a finger through Richie’s belt loop. “I have some sour gummy worms in my backpack.”

Richie raised his eyebrows, giving Eddie an offended look. “You had those that whole truck ride and the entire time we were fixing it up, and you didn’t mention it?”

Eddie smiled cheekly up at him. “They’re mine, I didn’t want to share them. Especially not with you, because I know that you’re a gummy worm hog.”

“Then why are you telling me now?” Richie challenged, pushing closer to Eddie. With Eddie’s fingers still in Richie’s belt loops, the posture between them felt so intimate that Eddie’s actual heart was blushing. He didn’t know if that was possible, but he was sure in that moment that was what was happening to him.

“Yeah, well,” Eddie shrugged playfully with a little smirk. “You’re looking a little pathetic right now, so I thought I’d be nice. But if you don’t want any-”

“No!” Richie giggled, leaping away from Eddie’s grip and practically skipping into their shared bedroom. Eddie quickly chased after him, jumping at Richie while his best friend and they tumbled onto Eddie’s bed. They smacked at each other mindlessly for a moment, giggling, before flopping onto the bed on their best.

“Oh, this is great,” Richie sighed, dropping his arm over his eyes, grinning up at the ceiling.

Eddie tilted his head to the side, smiling bemusedly at his friend. “What’s great?”

Richie looked back at him, balancing him up his elbow and his grin turning soft. “It’s just… I’ve been coming here for three years, and this is first time I’ve had somebody to share my room with. It’s just nice.”

Eddie frowned. “What? I mean, I know that Beverly wasn’t allowed to room with you but why have you always been by yourself?”

“Because you weren’t here.” Richie replied honestly. Eddie frowned slightly, wanting to sit up and have a more serious conversation but he couldn’t deny that he liked the way Richie was hovering over him. “I wasn’t allowed to stay with Bev, and nobody else wants to share a room with the Trashmouth.”

“That’s not true,” Eddie said, knowing even himself that it sounded weak and pathetic. Richie raised his eyebrow and Eddie sighed, shifting a little bit on his back. Their knees rested together, Eddie’s body feeling on fire where they were touching.

“Don’t worry about it, Eds,” Richie said, sounding almost quiet and at peace. “I know where I stand. It’s all good, because you have gummy worms.”

Richie leaned over Eddie’s body, reaching into Eddie’s backpack and Eddie felt the familiar panic hitting his chest again. All logic in his brain and body and goddamn soul went flying out the window because all he knew was that Richie was not allowed to put his hand in Eddie’s backpack. Brain disconnected from itself, Eddie launched himself forward and grabbed the back of Richie’s head. He pulled Richie down, away from his bag, and kissed him full on the mouth.

The two of them stayed like that for a moment, completely frozen, then Eddie’s brain kicked back into working order. He pulled away from Richie, letting out what he knew sounded like a horrified gasp, and pushed Richie off of him. The second Richie’s back had hit the mattress, Eddie was shooting up and running his fingers through his air.

“I…” Eddie cleared his throat, not wanting to look at whatever look of disgust Richie would be wearing. “We should probably go downstairs. Everybody is there and we already missed the first day, so.”

“I don’t really want to see them right now,” Richie said, voice sounding disconnected and cold. Eddie squeezed his eyes closed and didn’t turn around.

“Okay, well, I’m…. I’m going to go… then.” Eddie bolted out of the room before Richie could give any response. He almost fell down the stairs, but quickly regretted leaving Richie for the rest of the Losers when he took sight of Beverly crying in Bill’s arms on the couch.

“Is Richie okay?” Stan asked, standing quickly and moving towards Eddie, who was hovering in the doorway.

Eddie nodded awkwardly, giving Stan a little bit of a half smile. “He’s okay, I guess. I don’t think he’s going to come down tonight though, he’ll be a little uncomfortable.” Eddie immediately recognized the look in Stanley’s eyes and reached out to took hold of his friend’s wrist. “I don’t think he wants to see anybody. You know Richie, when he’s ready to talk, he’ll come to you.”

That wasn’t true, and Eddie knew that he was lying through his teeth. Richie would never come to a person with his problems, ever. He’d once gotten a concussion and passed it off as a headache for two days before making a laughing joke about it once he’d recovered. It had taken Eddie weeks to stop worrying that Richie had caused permanent damage to his brain. Any sort of emotional problem was even worse, it could take days of Eddie or Stan prying at him to open up.

Stan was looking at him disbelievingly and Eddie couldn’t blame him. It was a weak lie, used mostly to protect himself and Eddie knew it. “Okay, we both know that’s not true. But…” Eddie floundered for a moment before his brain clicked into motion. “Pushing Richie before he’s ready will just push him further away from telling us.”

“You’re right,” Stanley sighed with an eyeroll. “You’re still acting very strange, but you’re right. And if you’re going to be on Richie’s side exclusively about this, don’t make it obvious to Bev. It’s the last thing she needs right now.”

“I’m not on Richie’s side exclusively.” Eddie said indignantly, crossing his arms angrily. Stan gave him that mastered look of a single eyebrow raise and Eddie flushed. “I’m not. There’s no sides, this is shit for everybody!”

“You can say that again.” Stan huffed out a sigh. “Bill’s already trash talking Richie like he’s getting paid to do it. If Bev wasn’t so upset…” Stan shook his head. “I don’t know. They’s probably going to get back together, anyway. It’s Richie and Beverly. They’ve always been together.”

No they haven’t, thought Eddie, who avidly remembered the days before Richie and Beverly were a couple. He knew that nobody ever meant always since the beginning of time when they Richie and Beverly had always been together, but it still burned at Eddie when it heard it. Like Richie and Beverly were so unstoppable force, always meant to be, never swaying.

Eddie exhaled hard. “I’m going to go outside for some air.”

Stan blinked at him. “It’s still raining.”

Eddie shrugged, already turning away. “I’m only happy when it rains.”

He could feel how Stan was staring at his back as he let himself out the front door and walked over to the wet railing. He leaned up against it, pulling the sleeves of Richie’s sweater over his hands and exhaled hard. His knee pressed against the wet wood and made his stomach bubble the way only heavy rain could. Along with cars, thunder storms had been one of the things that Eddie remembered most about his father. Sitting out on the Kaspbraks front porch, watching the rain run through the streets and the sky light up with the white forks. Even now, when Sonia would screech about how Eddie would get sick from being outside in the rain, thunderstorms and any sort of heavy rain always gave Eddie a small happy feeling in his chest.

Eddie hadn’t been standing outside for very long before he heard the front door opening behind him. He knew immediately that it wasn’t Stanley, who had never been the type to chase after anybody but Eddie wasn’t in the mood to play into the game of making things easy for people. Mike came over, leaning against the railing and raised his eyebrow. “What’s going on, little buddy?”

“Feel yucky,” Eddie mumbled, dropping his elbows down onto the wet railing and letting his eye flutter closed. He could still feel Mike’s eyes burning into the side of his head. “Stomach all… gross.”

“Are you sick?” Mike asked, reaching a hand out and pressing it against Eddie’s forehead. Eddie sighed and knocked Mike’s hand away, finally turning to look at the friend who was staring at him expectantly.

“I think I feel guilty for Richie and Bev breaking up,” Eddie admitted quickly, feeling the words and nerves all coming falling out of his mouth beyond the train of his brain. He watched Mike’s face soften and Eddie’s heart dropped.

“Have you done anything that cause Richie and Bev to break up?” Mike asked. Eddie shook his head. “Did you say anything to Richie, to persuade him to break up with her? Outside of the normal friendly advice?”

“No.” Eddie said brugundingly.

Mike smiled at him. “Then let yourself off the hook, Eddie. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“I’ve done things wrong,” Eddie said gumly, looking back out at the beginning to water-log grassy lawn. “Maybe I guess I didn’t break up Richie and Bev but I-”

Mike made a loud humming noise. “Eddie Kaspbrak. You need to cut yourself more slack. The only person who thinks you did anything wrong is you, so please. Eddie. Please. Stop. There’s nothing wrong with your feelings for Richie, they’re not bad. And it doesn’t make you responsible for Richie’s relationships. Especially if he doesn’t even know how you feel.”

Eddie pressed his lips together tightly, not quite willing to cry just then. Would he cry over this eventually, yes. But it didn’t feel right to shed tears over Richie while Beverly was so much more rightfully upset just on the other side of the walls.

“I mean it.” Mike cupped the back of his head, rubbing his thumb against Eddie’s neck. “Stop beating yourself up over things that are out of your control and just let yourself live.”

Eddie whined. “Why couldn’t I be in love with you? That would be so much better, and it would make so much more sense.”

“That’s flattering, Eddie.” Mike chuckled. “Now are we going to talk about you saying that you’re in love with Richie?”

Eddie hummed, smirking up at Mike sarcastically. “No. We absolutely are not going to talk about that.”

Mike tucked Eddie under his arm and guided him back into the house. Eddie stayed amongst his friends, very thankful that Beverly seemed to have stopped crying even though she wasn’t her usual upbeat and happy self, until he was hiding his yawns behind his hand.

“Maybe you should head up to bed, Eddie.” Beverly said, reaching out and squeezing Eddie’s knee. “I know you get all weird road jet-lag thing whenever you travel North. And you’ve been doing it for two days.”

And I slept like garbage last night in the bench of Richie’s truck instead of in a bed because I’m a big giant idiot, Eddie thought but just gave his friends a sleepy smile and stumbled up the stairs. He let himself quietly into the bedroom, tip toeing in as he was sure that Richie was asleep, but was surprised to see Richie staring up at the ceiling.

“Hey,” Eddie said softly, moving over to take his bags off the bed and drop them onto the floor at the bottom. Richie was quiet long enough that Eddie looked over his shoulder towards him, seeing his friend still just staring up at the ceiling. “I’m going to go to bed now, I’m really tired because-”

“Road-lag,” Richie responded, voice coming out in a dry croke from lack of use. Eddie frowned slightly, fiddling with the edge of the blanket before crawling into bed.

“Okay…” Eddie said slowly, punching the pillow into a softer lay and rolled onto his side. Looking away from Richie. “Well. Goodnight, Rich.”

“G’night, Eds.” Richie said quietly, Eddie hearing him roll over. Richie turned away from Eddie, too.

Despite the tension of anxiety in his stomach, Eddie was very groggy and it was easy for his brain to start to doze. His brain moved into the fuzzy state where he almost felt as though he was floating, and not in control of his thought process at all. Just as Eddie’s half-aware brain was sure that he was about to slip into unconsciousness, something caught through to him and brought him back into reality. Grumbling slightly under his breath, Eddie rolled over and looked through the darkness of the room and narrowed his eyes in the an weak attempt to see through teh nothing.

The noise became progressively louder, and a little bit wetter, and Eddie frowned out into the room as struggled to push through the messy thoughts in his head. He was a little ashamed that it took him so long to realize what it was that had brought his brain back to life, and once he did it was though his heart had bubbled right up into his throat and was threatening to escape out of his mouth.

Richie was crying, not just crying but full body shaking sobbing. Eddie stared at him helplessly for a moment, mouth dropping open and knowing his own face was crumbling. He knew that Richie would want Eddie to roll back over and pretend he hadn’t heard anything. Eddie couldn’t just do that, knowing that Richie needed comfort when he was so upset even if he’d never ask for it. Even if Richie didn’t want anybody to know, if he didn’t want Eddie to know. Eddie bounced back and forth for a long moment with the privacy need, and the strain of their friendship right now, and the acknowledge of all the things Eddie had done today… Eddie shook his head and jumped out of bed.

Padding across the floor, Eddie hesitated for a moment at the edge of Richie’s bed. Eddie reached out and rested a hand onto Richie’s shoulder and squeezed. Richie startled, rolling onto his back and jerking away from Eddie’s touch. Richie wiped a little wildly at his wet cheeks and coughed awkwardly. “I’m okay, Eds. I’m fine.” Richie said quickly, clearing at his throat the thickness from his tears. “Just go back to sleep. I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“Shut up.” Eddie shook his head, pushing at Richie until there was enough room for Eddie to climb into the bed beside him. Richie made a confused noise as Eddie laid down beside him, casually letting an arm drop around Richie’s waist and tug him closer. Richie’s head automatically dropped down onto Eddie’s chest, but he could feel the tension between them.

“Thought we were too old to share the same bed,” Richie mumbled. His hands were still pressed against his stomach, wrapping around himself instead of fully settling into Eddie’s hold.

Eddie sighed softly. “Shut up,” he repeated, squeezing Richie’s body hip. Richie relaxed into him then, tucking his head a little bit more into Eddie’s neck and shifting his legs so that his and Eddie’s legs tangled together under the blankets. “Do you want to talk about it?”

Richie shook his head against Eddie’s neck, Eddie feeling the way Richie’s body shook slightly and there was a hint of wetness pressing against Eddie’s skin now. Eddie stroked up and down Richie’s back, letting another hand come up to cup the side of Richie’s head to stroke at his hair. “It’s okay. You’re okay. I got you.”

Eddie couldn’t get anywhere close to falling back asleep until Richie’s cries had quieted and his breathing had evened out. He knew that he should get out of Richie’s bed, stop allowing himself to hold Richie in a way that he knew was only going to lead his own hurt. But he weakly told himself that if he moved then Richie could wake up, and then get upset again. So, Eddie didn’t move and he didn’t Richie go and eventually he fell asleep.

When Eddie came to, it was the to the sound of crashing and blundering. Sitting up quickly, Eddie squinted in the suddenly sunlight room and looked at Richie, who was tossing his belongings around the room like he was trying to be some makeshift natural disaster. Eddie rubbed at his eyes, frowning. “What are you doing?”

Richie turned around, giving Eddie the coldest look he’d ever received from the boy. It was cold enough that it made every part of Eddie’s insides freeze up, they may as well as sprouted icicles themselves. “I’m going back to Derry.”

Eddie gaped at him. “What? Because of Beverly, Rich you don’t have to-”

“No, not because of Bev.” Richie said, his voice almost dripping venom. At Eddie. Directed to Eddie.

Tears sprung up into Eddie’s eyes as he watched Richie stuffing clothes into his bag. “Richie, what’s going on…?”

Richie turned slowly, face contorted up in a way that Eddie had never seen before. “When I got up this morning, I remembered what you said yesterday. About having gummy bears.” Richie said slowly, his voice harsh and driving an ach directly into Eddie’s chest with each word. His heart was beating so loudly in his ear that Eddie almost couldn’t hear what Richie was saying. “And I couldn’t help but feel like you teased me about them yesterday, so I went into your bag to get them.”

Fuck. Eddie knew his eyes had blown open wide, that his face had likely even lost colour. “Richie, I…”

Richie grabbed the tape from inside his belongings and shook it. His face looked completely pained and Eddie had to choke back a sad sound. “Did you listen to this? Eddie?”

“I…” Eddie swallowed roughly. “Not really, no. I… Sort of?”

Richie made a disgusted noise and tossed the mix tape back towards the ground. “Okay, so what then? Is that why you kissed me yesterday? You felt guilty or whatever? Some pity bullshit?” He swung his backpack onto his shoulder and stormed out of the room. Eddie’s heart was meeting a million beats per minute as he nearly fell out of the bed in the haste to chase after Richie’s much longer legs.

“Richie, Richie, wait, wait!” Eddie almost fell down the stairs, tripping over his socked feet as Richie was already pulling on the front door. “Richie, please.”

Ben and Stan had both come to the doorway between the living room and front entry, watching between them with confused and nervous looks. There was a deep suspicion on Stan’s face, a narrow of his eyebrows and a quirk of his lips, but Eddie jet right past them. “Richie, please, please don’t go home. You don’t have to go.”

Richie looked at Eddie for a moment, almost like he wanted to speak, but ended up simply shaking his head and slamming the door on his way out. Eddie let out a soft sob, pressing a hand over his mouth and he took two steps away from the door.

He ran directly into Ben, who pressed a hand on the small of Eddie’s back. Eddie jumped slightly, and stumbled back against the door.

“Eddie, go after him.” Ben said softly, giving him a reassuring smile. “It’s still raining out there, and you know Richie can’t focus when he’s angry. I don’t know what happened, but you’re not just going to let him disappear out there like that.”

Eddie swallowed roughly, stomach feeling tense and a little bit like he might throw up. Or pass out. Or throw up and then pass out. But he turned from Stan and Ben, and rushed out of the front door.

The second he was down off the front porch, he could feel himself getting drench through. He could see through the heavy rain that Richie was completely drenched and struggling to get the truck door open with his shaking hands. “Richie, stop.”

Richie turned around and even in the seriousness of the situation, his breath caught in his throat. Richie’s hair was plastered to his forehead, his shirt sticking to his body. Eddie rubbed his hands together and took a single step towards him. “I’m sorry I listened to the tape when you asked me not to,” Eddie said, having to speak loudly over the sound of the rain and wind. “I only listened to the one song and then I had to turn it off. I couldn’t listen to anymore than that.”

Richie just continued to stare at him, not moving, not blinking. His face was a blank canvas that Eddie wanted to paint happiness and peace all over. “I shouldn’t have listened to it. You made it clear that you didn’t want me to, and I did it anyway. I’m sorry. But don’t think for a second that what happened yesterday was because of that tape or even anything that you did, okay? It was my own thing. My own… issues. My shit.” Eddie inhaled hard, all of his breath long gone and Richie was still just staring at him. “You’re my best friend, Richie. You’re like… the most important person in the world to me. I don’t know what I’d do without you, or if you decided that you didn’t want to be my friend anymore. I think the world would be… pretty unbearable without you. No matter how much of a bitch I can be to you sometimes.”

Eddie could dimly see Richie’s expression soften even through the rain, his friend taking a step or two towards him. Eddie continued wringing his hands, breathing heavily. “I’m sorry I kissed you yesterday, and that I made you all confused and upset about it. I know the last thing you need is that drama, and it doesn’t matter if I have a super big crush on you. Because more than that you’re my best friend, and that’s what matters. None of the rest of that stuff. Just please… tell me you’re going to drive back to Derry in this weather. It’s not safe.”

Richie blinked at him a few times, looking similar to the time Hockstetter had knocked his head against the cement and giving him a concussion. “You have a crush on me?”

Eddie was definitely going to throw up now. He stepped back just slightly, before turning away and rushed through the wet grass. He ran until he reached the dock, and then ran completely down the dock until he reached the very end. He turned slowly, cursing his white person in a horror movie train of thought of not simply running somewhere not stupid, and watch Richie reach the dock. He walked slowly towards Eddie, hands out slowly as though he was approaching an injured animal.

“Eddie…” Richie said slowly, almost having to nearly yell over the roaring rain. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

Eddie gasped. “You can’t.”

Richie raised his eyebrows. “You can’t just this kind of stuff to me and expect me not to kiss you. I’m going to count to ten, and then I’m going to kiss you. If you don’t want me to do that, then I guess you’re just going to have to stop me.”

Eddie’s heart hammered, looking all over except into Richie’s eyes. He watched Richie’s feet as he began to walk towards him. “10… 9… 8…” Richie took a step with every number and he was soon pressing against Eddie. Their legs pressed together, Richie’s hands come out to wrap around Eddie’s wrists. “6… 5… 4…”

Eddie pushed up onto his toes and pressed his lips against Richie’s. It was harsh at first, Eddie missed slightly but Richie tilted his head down and moved their lips together more smoothly. Richie’s hands moved from Eddie’s wrists to waist, as Eddie slid his hands up to grasp at Richie’s shoulders. He clutched at the wet fabric, tugging on Richie to bring him closer.

Eddie, though, of course, like the perfect love sick dumbass he was had forgotten exactly where he’d left himself standing until he and Richie were both tumbling backwards into the lake. The water hadn’t experienced enough summer warmth to comfortable, and the multiple days of rain had left it with a deep burning chill. Eddie gasped loudly as he resurfaced, frantically pushing the wet hair out of his face. He watched the water rippled and Richie come up, laughing.

“Holy shit, this water is absolutely fucking freezing,” Richie whined, shaking his hair out like a wet dog. “Fuck, fuck, fuck, I think my balls are going to fall the fuck off.”

Eddie laughed, swimming forward to Richie, then stalling. Richie squinted at him. “Can you maybe see my glasses by any chance?”

Eddie looked around, feeling nervous for a second, then spotted them floating nearby. “Yeah, yes, hold on.” Eddie swam over to them, grabbing them out of the water, and floating back. He straighten up in front of Richie, reaching out to place the glasses onto Richie’s face. His tongue stuck out in concentration and once the glasses were settled on Richie’s nose, Eddie took a leap of faith and ran his fingers through Richie’s soaking wet mop of hair.

Richie’s face dropped into the softness expression that Eddie ever seen his life, tilting his head slightly to the side and giving him a gooey smile. Eddie only realized a second before Richie kissed him what was going to happen, but he quickly wrapped his arms around Richie’s neck as their lips together. They move together for several moments, Eddie gasping as he felt Richie’s tongue tracing along his bottom lip. They kissed for several more moments, until Richie shivered almost violently and they broke apart with soft giggles.

Richie’s nose dug into Eddie’s cheek and Eddie felt him say something against his skin, but he couldn’t hear him over the rain.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #238

“crimson calligraphy written on the trees, creature from the grave, headless and hellbent for me.”

Have you ever played golf? Like, mini-golf. Is there a lake near your house? No, but there's two small ponds down the road. Have you ever made your own pizza or pasta dough? No. Have you ever watched an entire season of a tv show in one day? Uhhhhh how long are the first few seasons of Supernatural? Because Jason and I fucking binged it, and I honestly think that's partially the reason I don't even enjoy TV anymore. Like I liked the show, but jfc it became torture at some point. Not his fault at all, I just never pointed it out. BUT ANYWAY, it's definitely possible we did. What did you have for dinner tonight (or last night)? A ham and cheese hot pocket. Do your parents do things that ‘embarrass’ you? This is so mean, but my mom makes the cringiest jokes and such imo that gives me mad secondhand embarrassment. Do you like any Bon Jovi songs? Yeah, a decent handful. Who was the last person you were in a car with? Mom. Do you give people second chances? Ha, more than "second." How’re things between you and your most recent ex? We're totally great. Really as if we didn't even break up, considering I mean... nothing emotionally has changed. We just know that being together right now isn't the wise decision. It's frustrating as hell, though. We've already established we're not going to "wait" for each other, but neither of us are actively looking for a new partner, either. I want her, and from what I can tell, she wants me, too. We kinda just... don't talk about how unfair it all is anymore because we both get too upset. I was even supposed to go up there with her and her fam for her birthday and Christmas, but that's changed because she and I agree it's too soon after splitting, making it only more difficult to be around each other. We'd want to cuddle and kiss and such by instinct, so we're trying to wait until the wound isn't as fresh. Though honestly, I don't know how visiting period would go consider as said, there has been zero change in romantic attraction. Ugh yeah I just hope she figures out what she wants and all and we can get back together. Have you been to a wedding this year? No. I'm going to my half-sister's next year, though. Are you an aunt or uncle? Yes, and another niece is on her way. :') Do you expect to be married in the next two years? Probably not. What season is your birthday in? Winter. Have you ever been hunting? Fuck that shit. How often do you walk around barefoot? Always in my own house + in other houses if I'm allowed to take my shoes off. When you eat take-out, do you just eat it out of the containers provided? Usually, but it does depend on what food it is. Ex., those little boxes that have rice in them from Chinese places? I'm using a bowl. From the container is just messy. Would you need to sleep with someone before considering marrying them? Nah. Do you carry condoms? No. Would you date someone who has a hearing aid? ... Yes...? "No" is just... so rude?? Like that is something the person absolutely cannot help, nor is it a HUGE thing. It's just a hearing aid, dude. How organized are the files on your computer? Pretty decent. Folders and such. Could be better still, probably. Have you ever been to a strip club? Nah, not my scene. Have you ever brought home a stray animal? Pleeeeenty of cats. Are you physically strong? No, especially not my legs. I've got a newborn fawn's legs, jc. Still working on building the muscle back up. Would you date someone with braces? Oh my god, fuck off. Yes I would. I was the person with braces dating someone without them, so 1.) I obviously can't say shit, 2.) they're taking care of their goddamn teeth, and 3.) I dunno, wearing braces has no goddamn impact on personality???????????? Does scuba diving interest you? Not to an incredible degree, but it'd be cool. Would you ever ask your parents for relationship advice? Maybe for certain topics. Do you think people look up to you? Y'know that "oh no hunty WHAT is u doin" meme??? That's me if someone does. How often do you have trouble sleeping at night? *blinking* There are people who don't??????? Do you blush easily? Ohhhhhh yes. Do you get angry at yourself or at others more often? Hm. Not sure. Can you name five current world leaders? AHAHA nope. How many times have you had the flu? Zero. Do you think imagination is valuable? Oh hell yes. We would be NOWHERE CLOSE to where we are as animals without it. Who or what are you most impatient with? I don't know. When was the last time you mowed a lawn? Never. Have you seen all of the Star Wars films? No; seen only the first three with a friend and saw zero appeal. He didn't either. How about all of the Harry Potter ones, so far? I haven't even seen one. Jason and I started the first one together but. Paid way more attention to each other than the movie lmfao. What part of the newspaper do you typically enjoy reading? None. I collect my school's papers now though 'cuz I'm the photographer for it. :') Have you ever made a website, even a simple one? Four that I remember. The ancient and now-defunct ones were back when I think this site called Wetpaint was a host for simple sites, and a lot of us RPers posted our mob info and stuff there. I had one for Talons, one for Connrads. Ha, out of curiosity, I think I looked for them not all too long ago since I never actually deleted them, but I think the site itself was re-purposed. NOW, I have a Wix site for my photography, and then Kalahari Manor is a ProBoards-hosted site. Which was better: your childhood or your teen years? Jfc, childhood. Teen years were a chaotic and rancid cesspit in terms of mental health. What was your reaction to your first time falling in love? I truly imagine that realizing I was *in love* with Jason surpassed what a high probably feels like lmao. What does it take for someone to win your heart? I'm actually putting thought into this one and I think what appeals to me in a person most is just being friendly with a good sense of humor and obvious, shameless concern for others. AND JFC, HAVE EMOTION. Don't be a brick wall with me. Lacking an emotional side, positive or negative, is such a turn-off to me. I'm not attracted to robots. Being a gentle person is important, and for me personally, you need to actually act like you're into me. Not just between us. Do not make me a secret. AND BE CREATIVE AND WEIRD AND FRESH!!!!!!!!!!! There's nothing wrong with more "vanilla" people, but just for me myself, I need someone who stands out for some good reason. lol okay this answer's actually getting kinda long, I'll stop. There's a number of ways. What is one thing you would rather be doing? Ha ha yo real talk, Sara and I are getting all emotional and deep into our relationship, platonic or romantic, and I want me and her in her bed right now tearing each other up alsdkjfla;kwejre I love her a lot ok. When was the last time you changed your mind about something? OKAY SO I started a new birth control, right? It. Sent. Me. BACK. With my PTSD. How? Idfk, but I was suddenly obsessing over Him again, badly. I stopped that shit, and wha'd'ya know, two days later, I'm like "lol wtf I don't want him why did that just happen hunty was u ok????????". SO YEAH, that was a trip. Do you know anyone with a lisp? I'm not sure. Possibly. How much weight can you lift at once? No clue. Not a lot. Do you ask guys out, or wait for them to ask you out? I've never asked a guy out, but I wouldn't say I wouldn't. Do you like the last person who showed interest in you? I love her. Describe the last person you stared at? I have no idea. Do you like dating one person at a time, or multiple people? I'm personally monogamous. Have your experiences made you more or less sympathetic to others? MORE. Do you find smoking unattractive? I do. Have your parents ever searched your personal belongings? Mom has. Where did you get your last bruise from? ... Well. This is uh. Awkward. Tying into when I was on that medicine that made my libido fucking uncontrollable (thank the fucking lord I'm back to normal), my breasts are lookin rough, sister. Are you looking forward to anything? Nothing in the VERY near future, I think. A bit further off, Christmas. I can't wait to see the kids so excited again, and for once, we come together as a true family. Plus my #1 wish is to have my Mark tattoo improved at an amazing parlor, and I'm pretty sure that'll be happening, just obvs. not on Christmas Day itself. I'll just be fuckin STOKED when I *know* it's happening. Do you have a good relationship with your parents? Yes. How much money did you spend today? $1.25 for something from the vending machine. I didn't have breakfast, so I was really hungry. When you’re bored in class, what do you usually do? Try to not doze off. If we're not doing anything, then I'll play around with my phone. Have you ever had a song stuck in your head for more than a day? Oh, definitely. Ever walked into the guy’s bathroom? HA as a stupid elementary school with her friends, we sure did during a work day (my mom used to work with special ed kids at school). We thought we were soooo rebellious. How many wives or husbands do you want? One. What happens if you fall in love with your best friend? Ha, did. I still am, and we hope to be back together someday. Has a teacher ever flirted with you? Not that I know of. Thankfully. Is it okay for friends to kiss each other, as friends? It's not my thing, but sure, if it's consenting and both are aware it's platonic. Do your wishes ever get granted in the worst way possible? Probably in some way at some point I don't recall. How do you feel about your naked body? NONONONONONONONONONONONONONONO Have you ever been called obnoxious? I don't think so, anyway. Do you wish you had a bigger family? No. Which friend would you kiss full on the mouth, no questions asked? Sara. Can you do a split or stick your foot up next to your ear? Nope. When was the last time you complained about something? I was venting some mild frustration to Sara earlier tonight. What is your favorite color combination? Favorite is probably pastel orange and light blue. Love it. Then there's pastel pink and purple. Okay pretty much any combination is about the pastels When was the last time you spoke in front of a group? A month or so back when I had to do my Lifeline presentation in FYS. Do you like group projects, or do you prefer to work alone? I strongly prefer working alone. There's no disagreements, compromises, incompetent partners, etc. Have you ever been told you were going to Hell? Yup! (: Indirectly, but. How did you respond? I don't recall, but I wish I did. Who is the most argumentative person you know? She's not in my life anymore partially BECAUSE of that shit. Do you know anyone who is crazy about proper grammar? Yes, but she has OCD as a valid reason. I'm pretty particular about it too to a degree. Who was the last person to make you feel special? Oh my gosh, my therapist told me she was so proud of me and the progress I was making that I just entirely lit up and became a total beaming ball of giggles and "thank you"s. Would you feel funny if you kissed somebody of the same sex? No, I'm bi. If your best friend grabs your hand, what do you automatically do? Squeeze it. What’s something you can cook or bake like a pro? Cheesy and spicy scrambled eggs, man. Also known as the only thing I can properly cook lmao. Do you tend to flirt a lot, even when the person isn’t single? Fuck no, if they're not single. I'll flirt with my s/o when I see it appropriate or relevant, and in a case where we're both single, I'd be very subtle about it because shy. What’s something that you think is really cute? Off the very top of my head, the Ewoks from Star Wars, oh my fucking god. They were the only thing I enjoyed in the movies. What’s a pretty bird? I mean... pretty much all of them. BUT, can we take a moment to appreciate the bearded vulture? like???? they're fucking BADASS???????????? Besides sleeping, what do you do in bed? Almost... everything. It's the reason I endured/am still recovering from muscle atrophy in my legs. Have you ever hacked into somebody’s account? Playfully, back when that was a thing for friends to do and post lovey-dovey stuff about them everywhere. Megan and I, and I believe Mini and I as well, did it to each other. Possibly more. Is having to pee really badly worse than being really thirsty? Oh hell yes it is. The former can get to a point of hurting. Have you ever touched a Qu'ran? No. Do you love animals more than most? Oh definitely. Why do you eat fast food? It's easy to grab when on the run, and Mom has almost zero time to cook. Then we both have school. Most often I just warm things up in the microwave or grab something substantial enough in the fridge. Is there always going to be that one person you and a friend makes fun of? I guess you could say indirectly, yes. Just something she said in a certain way became an inside joke. Her as a person, no, I wouldn't do that. What is a bad habit of yours that you’re actually trying to fix? Having terrible eye contact. I have a very hard time maintaining it, but I've been trying to keep that weakness in mind when talking to people. Do you write out your feelings? That's one reason why I take these surveys, yes. Do you have bills to pay yet? It's embarrassing that I don't. Not saying like, I want to pay bills, what madman would, but I do want to feel more like a proper, independent adult. Will you be changing your hair any time soon? Not the style, but one thing I'm asking for Christmas is a professional to dye my hair silver. I say pro because my hair does NOT hold color, and because of the bleach needed, Mom's concerned I'll damage my hair if I put my trust into anyone less qualified. Does your mom have a celebrity look-alike? I don't think so, but she looks UNCANNILY like her firstborn daughter. It is SCARY. Is there something you wish you could learn to do? There's loads of stuff. Probably above all, cook. Or stop procrastinating. If you could be amazing at ONE thing, what would it be? Drawing precisely what I see in my head. Because of how important they are to me, I would pay BIG FUCKING BUCKS to get how my 'kats look onto paper. What do you wish people would pay you to do? Complain about my weight. :^) I'd be able to just pay for surgery to fix that within a day. Do you take good pictures? I personally think I do. I mean I wanna be a professional photographer. How would one go about impressing you? It depends on the subject and difficulty of whatever. What probably impresses me most would be someone maintaining a mature, peaceful attitude when there is reason to act otherwise. Self-control, that's it. Do you automatically apologize if you walk into somebody? Duh? Tell me a memory of this summer: It was fucking scorching and I hated every minute of it. What’s something that you don’t need, but really want? Hmmmm. OH, HELL YES. IF I had the proper body to even remotely pull them off, I. Would wear. NOTHING. But corsets. Jesus FUCKING Christ they are so hot. What do you draw more than anything else? Just about all I draw is meerkats. What’s the most favorite class you’ve ever had? The Digital Photography course I took in high school. Or Art Honors my junior year. I really enjoyed the stuff I made. For each person you’ve kissed, describe your feelings in one word: Jason: melancholy; Tyler: dramatic; Girt(?): loyal; Sara: ideal. How do you react when you trip or stumble? Gasp and carry on. If it was a more serious trip, I look around at who saw. Are you good at “biting your tongue”? NO. Why do you love the one you do? She's been there for me without fail, has undying faith in me, supports me through everything, is honest, she's funny and very unique, her adoration for animals shows a great level of compassion, she trusts me so much despite her history, she stands extremely firmly for what she sees as right and wrong... okay I can honestly write an essay on why I love her. Would you rather get [another] tattoo or piercing? GIMME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 THE TATTOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111111111111111111 Do you have long or short legs? I'd say they're normal, idk. When do you listen to Nickelback? *shrugs* When I wanna? Would you rather make the first move, or your crush? Them. I'm shy.