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frenchphobic · 3 years

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long fucking post on why a c!dream is a shitty person and probably should not have a redemption because it is unpog

honestly i just want to refute dream apologists thats why im making this post. i think that dream as a villain is interesting but i think that trying to make him out to be secretly a good guy is just bad ngl. also /roleplay and all

tw for abuse and mentions of suicide

dream as a villain

dream is a villain. he is chaotic evil according to wilbur, deliberately does not stream to appear less sympathetic (and yet), and is set up as an antagonist to tommy who bears the title ‘hero’. dream is not a good person, no matter how you look at it or try to justify his actions.

‘but he wants to unite everyone to be a big family :((’ the ends dont justify the means believe it or not. having a vaguely positive goal does not excuse the actions you’ve done. it also goes hand and hand with saying dream is correct for punishing tommy the way he did because he acted up. if i socked you across the face and then suddenly said ‘sorry there was a roach on ur face’ does that make it okay? probably not i still punched you, enacting an unnecessary amount of violence. thats a very simple analogy i will admit and there are more complex comparisons. another example off the top of my head is say a child just scribbled all over you walls with crayons. would hitting them be a justified answer? if u said hes thats really fucked of u go seek help u loon. violence as a punishment is very toxic, just because it gets the job done does not mean it is okay. at the end of the day, you still committed this act and the harm you caused is real, having a good motive doesnt suddenly make it okay.

‘but tommy causes all of the conflict’ the disk war wasnt even caused by tommy, it was sapnap and then tommy got involved. and the reason why tommy even caused conflict was because of the discs, because he wanted them back. and most of the time there was a level of antagonism from another party, such as schlatt exiling him, dream taking the disks in the first place, dream threatening l’manberg. and if dream wanted to end the conflict so badly, why didnt he just give tommy back his disks? tommy upfront said everything started with the disks, so he wants them back so he could end the conflict. notice how after tommy got his disks back he has been staying out of conflict, apologizing to everyone, and the only bad thing hes done is try to scam people but everyone does that. this would have been the most peaceful option, yet dream chose the path that would further antagonize tommy which then draws everyone else into conflict. why did dream need to have leverage over tommy so badly? why did he want to hold power over tommy so badly? its because of control, and that’s ultimately dreams end goal. sure he wants a big server family, but would said family have a free will?

‘but dream is sad’ the thing is dream is completely at fault for everything that happened to him. he pushed away sapnap (and george ig). he tried to take control over the server and their possessions. literally everything that happened to tommy. literally everything involving ranboo. villains can be sympathetic, i am not arguing against that. but it does not mean that they should be left off the hook. that doesnt mean u should ignore the shit theyve done because ‘oh no theyre sad’ because it doesnt make anything better. dream had this shit coming for him.

now people also skirt around calling dream an abuser. which is fair ig, its a very loaded word. its much easier to say manipulated. that being said, dream can classify as abusive. and no, tommy is not abusive. abuse is about control and a power imbalance. dream has power over tommy, but tommy does not have power over dream, at least not in the way dream does. he’s taking back power to stand up for himself, dream uses power to control.

the reasons i listed for why dream is from the Domestic Abuse Intervention Project so if u want a source on that, there you go.

using coercion or threats: dream often threatened tommy, such as the pit thing and often employed violence on him. while normally this could be attributed to Normal Minecraft Player Go Smack. minecraft mechanics cannot always translate to real world since violence is pretty normal in minecraft however we also need to consider the context of the scene. dream gave an order, tommy refused, dream applies violence, tommy submitted. thats why its a threat, it has tangible effects that can correlate to real life.

using intimidation: dream blew up logsteadshire as a punishment. dream also destroyed tommys items anytime he visited. dream also hit tommy with his axe i believe. he killed mushroom henry, one of tommys pets.

Using Emotional Abuse: dream guiltripped the shit out of tommy for just hiding things and pinning the blame on tommy for just wanting his own private items. he definitely played mind games on tommy, pretending to be his friend. honestly i probably dont even need to go as in depth because it was so obvious.

Using Isolation: putting him in exile in the first place. destroying the bether portal so no one could visit tommy anymore. i really dont think i need to expand upon that.

Minimizing, Denying, and Blaming: dream in tommys stream when he got trapped said that exile wasnt that bad. he does shift the blame onto tommy for logsteadshire being blown up, even though dreams reaction was entirely unjustified for not listening and hiding.

Using Economic Abuse: see this is where i attempt to parallel minecraft mechanics to real life. obviously, there is no monetary system in place, so when i mean economic, i will use valuables such as armor, food, etc in place of currency. the idea behind economic abuse is to limit the victim’s resources so that they are dependent on the abuser and cannot escape. dream only really allowed tommy to have the armor he gave him while not giving access to armor so he does not regain a sense of power, and in the prison stream, dream holds all the potatoes which puts him in a position of power over tommy. this argument is more ambiguous i feel cause the whole minecraft mechanics thing is kinda weird so u don’t necessarily have to take this part in.

i feel like i need to emphasize this very strongly because dream is not a good person. abuse cannot and should not be a response to someone. its an awful mentality to have. i just want to prove the point that dream is not a good person, his reasons absolutely do not justify his actions.

what makes a good redemption

redemption arcs are tricky. when done right they are great. when done poorly, its a slap in the face. rn im going to establish a formula to what makes a good redemption with an example.

the most well known example of a good redemption is zuko from atla. first, its the magnitude of what theyve done and why. zuko did commit some shitty actions, since he was in a position of power in the fire nation but its because he is a child being abused and wanted to regain honor. zukos real awful acts was season 1 and the whole betrayal thing. thats not to say that zukos actions suddenly are okay, he did shitty things. but its something that can be traced to a higher entity or seem less malicious then the other villains. the thing also about the magnitude of actions is that there is a certain point of atrocities that there is no redemption. some people simply cannot be redeemed because the actions they commit are so ingrained in their character or the action itself has serious moral issues that it would just be wrong.

the next is acknowleding what they did was wrong. a genuine reflection on the self and analyzing what they did and why it was not okay. zuko realized what he did to uncle iroh was bad for example. he turned his back on his father, realizing he didnt and shouldnt seek acknowledgment from someone as heinous as him. its pointing out your actions and going ‘hey, this wasnt right i should not have done this’ and not even excusing ur actions. its also going straight for the root of the problem and figuring out to stamp it from the source. just because a character is sad does not mean they are reflecting, sometimes they are attempting to garner pity. it has to be direct and clear acknowledgement of the injustice.

and finally, an important part about redemption arcs is the actual redemption part. its when you make amends. zuko made amends with katara by trying to help her get revenge, he fought against the fire nation and tried to make things more peaceful in his rule. he apologized to iroh. an important part of the amends section is that it does have to be a genuine desire to change and become a better person, not to change a person’s perception of you. the thing is u cant expect a person youve hurt to forgive you. you cant expect people to be sympathetic towards you nor should u attempt to make urself sympathetic. u shouldnt be expecting a pat on the back or an award. redemption is about internal and character change.

why dream should not be redeemed

ive already established the key points to a good redemption (imo) but heres where dream falls short. his actions are extremely heavy so redemption may not even really be possible. abuse is not something you can wave off so it does cross to the point of fucked up. acknowledgement of what he did was wrong? all he said was that he changed, yet never explained why he changed or was too vague. he needed to label specifically what he did and bring it up. attempting to make amends? he’s been doing the exact opposite in fact he continues to manipulate tommy and ranboo. its not a genuine change. he is still repeating the cycle and has given no indication of ceasing. at the moment he does not have any signs of redemption.

and the thing is most of the attention around a dream redemption comes from either justifying his motives (which i do want to emphasize does not make anything suddenly okay) and because he is sad in prison sad face. these are not good reasons. its gonna pain me severely to bring this up but snape from harry potter does have some form of sad character ig yet he very much abused his authority to bully children as old as 11 just because he said ‘aight gonna die’ doesnt suddenly make his general bigotry and abuse suddenly okay there is a threshold. again im so sorry for using harry potter as an example none were coming to mind and i needed a popular one i do not like harry potter please dont say i do i would pass away.

and the last thing to consider is the audience. keep in mind that the audience is composed of minors and while yes there are adults, minors are the main component of the fandom. keep in mind that there are quite a few people who can relate to tommys character because they might be in the same position or have gone through his experiences. tell me what kind of message does it send to that audience that abusers can be redeemed. this is not a narrative u should push to this audience in these situations and the writers are seemingly aware of it. remember how in exile tommy spiraled into a suicidal mentality? consider how fucked of a message it would be if he just committed suicide instead of escaping abuse and attempting to recover from his experiences. tommy did an excellent job in not going that route and having a message of ‘it will not get better’. its the same thing here. victims are not obligated to care for or forgive their abuser, and portraying an abuser as sympathetic might fuck with the message a lot, even change their perception in that ‘oh, maybe my abuser was right, maybe they had a reason for treating me the way they did’. this is not to say that every victim watching this will internalize this message, but people also look up to these characters. there can be a degree of influence from the story onto oneself and thats the dangerous part.

conclusion

all in all dream is a shitbag asshole and probably shouldnt get a redemption because it would not be pog thanks for coming to my ted talk.

#dream smp #dsmp #tommyinnit #dreamwastaken

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thedreadvampy · 3 years

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this is kind of a Hot Take (and rlly long) so don't feel pressured to post this

also no one cancel thedreadvampy over posting this ask if she does these are my beliefs and not necessarily hers kthx

I'm honestly really uncertain why people are so militant about aphobia on this site. like obviously aphobes are Not Nice People and it's good to be against their shitty beliefs. But I've been on this site for ~5 years and I have never, in my memory, seen an aphobe (with the few exception of like. literal nazis but their main label isn't aphobe). I have seen a lot of people who were then harassed/cancelled being called aphobes in addition to a lot of other things like (homophobic, racist, abusive, etc) but as far as I bothered to figure out, the label of aphobe came from one specific phrase they used or one post they reblogged (though I can't be bothered to Deep Research so I genuinely don't know on this one).

(I have seen casual acephobia in my own personal life. however, that is not Tumblr.)

I have seen scores of posts along the lines of "aphobes are bad" "aphobes dni" etc etc.

Maybe it's just who I follow, but it seems like there's a lot more anti-aphobe sentiment than aphobes. Which is good! It's the goal! However, I think it's possible that that anti-aphobe sentiment has not become "look how few aphobes there are! yay!" it's "there are hidden aphobes all around us and you have to interrogate everyone to know who to ostracize"

You're a fairly popular figure in the mechs/tma fandoms and the thing about Tumblr is that it hates popular figures. And more than that, you're visible, so a) people will see if you answer a bunch of questions about ace things, and b) you exist in everyone's brains more than little blogs.

to be clear. to be absolutely crystal 100% clear: I am not saying that people got together and went "let's interrogate all the popular blogs so we can pretend theyre acephobic and have fun bullying people," I'm saying it's possible that what was once a positive emotion, "we don't tolerate intolerant people" has possibly, in some people, morphed into a fear that intolerant people are hiding all around them. And frankly, that fear can be understandable (not right, not kind, but understandable), especially if they face hate irl and their only outlet for emotion is tumblr. shit, Tumblr is one of my emotional outlets.

I don't think it's bad to engage with these people in good faith, or to answer questions, but I think it's possible that some of them are coming from the "intolerant people are hiding all around us and must be ferreted out" kind of perspective instead of a "hey I wanna check that this person isn't an intolerant asshole before following/supporting them" or "I want to engage with a person who may be ignorant" (I'm not attempting to imply that you're ignorant). Im not saying "not answer their questions" this is just, like, my opinion. I'm not making a lot of actionable statements here.

that's my whole Hot Take, hopefully I made some kind of sense, I just honestly feel kind of mad on your behalf that you have to go thru an interrogation to be Not Tumblr Cancelled. If people were generally having a nuanced discussion then that would be fine but you've already stated several times that ace/aspec people are valid and deserve love and respect etc etc. which as an aspec person makes me feel that your blog is safe for me, and I don't feel the need to play 20 Questions Are You Sure You Aren't An Aphobe

I don't know how much of this I entirely agree with and I refuse to think

(not about this. just in general. today I refuse to think)

my main response to this is:

a) I think my confusion is I have less than 1500 followers I think I always assumed the You Are Now A Public Figure People Have Opinions On mark had to be higher than that but this appears to have been a totally incorrect assumption

b) I don't feel like. a threat of Cancellation except inasmuch as I don't want Kofi to eventually get any kind of kickback if I turn out to be or people understand me to be a shitty person. I didn't ask for a platform or do anything to deserve it, if I get distressed it's largely just that I don't want to be a shitty person! and I have a whole thing about. I don't ever feel secure in my ability to say I'm NOT being shitty so like if enough people start saying AH RUTH THEDREADVAMPY IS A GARBAGE PERSON I definitely do stay wondering if they're right even if I think my position is morally defensible. like I'm very easy to get into a spiral of I think that's highly defensible but maybe I'm just in denial/trying to cover my ass/self-justifying so I can avoid accountability/etc. like this is a thing and it's why I'm very uncomfortable with absolutism, a lot of my family in my experience have a phenomenal capacity for denial and for rewriting reality into something they Fully Believe despite all the evidence, and so I'm really conscious of the possibility that I'm doing that and I wouldn't. know about it. it's a really really powerful subconscious force and that's been like. a big fear point for me my whole life. that I could be being a cunt and be obviously being a cunt and be so deep in denial that it just doesn't register at all. this is like. the thing I fear most. So I DO want people to tell me if I'm being a dick because the only way I can 100% know I'm not just in denial is if I can trust people to call me in, but I really, really, really struggle with when people say I'm being a dick and I disagree, not because they're harassing me necessarily but just because it really sends me into a spiral of doubting my own ability to be sure about like, anything. at all. it's a whole unreality thing which is, uh, it's MINE to deal with, it's not something I would want to put on other people, but it very much does affect my responses and I didn't mean to write this but hey, no therapy last week and it shows.

oh also c) on reflection I don't agree that there's very little aphobia on Tumblr (although as I've said I'm not ace or aro so my opinion should hold little weight) but I do think that there's a lack of give and take, not just in aphobia stuff but also in general, in these kinds of conversations, like sometimes yeah people are actively hateful but I don't think there's any room for misunderstanding, poor phrasing, or questioning, and I understand that that's coming from a really genuine place of pain and devaluation of aro/ace experiences but I also think people jump straight to assuming active malice very fast, and often explicitly consider "actively not stating an opinion" to be an offence on the level of "actively staying a harmful opinion," which I think is unhelpful. like. we learn by listening, there are times in my life where I would have been lying at the time to agree unconditionally with something like "I think we should believe survivors" (I was a 2000s teen who hung out with 4channers) but I also was conscious of the harm that it would do to publicly debate from the perspective that No We Shouldn't Believe Survivors, so you know I waited and I listened and I thought about it and ultimately I came to a position I could say with my chest. but like. The online social more that you Have to have an opinion and I Have to hear it to prove that you have the Right opinion is. uncomfortable to me to say the least. I don't think it gives you much room to learn and improve, especially given that everything on the internet is permanent and often treated as if it forever reflects your current beliefs. like I have changed my opinions So Much since I was 16 and if someone went back through a tag on my blog to Prove My Bad Opinions they could paint pretty much any picture they wanted with 12 years of changing opinions.

anyway yeah like. no I don't fully agree with this ask but I appreciate the alternate perspective. I also did not mean to write another wall of text I'm just very much In A Brain Hole today and sometimes words Just Happen.

#i don't want this to pop up in Discourse tags that will double ruin my brain off scrolling experience #but i do want people to be able to filter this stuff out #I'm gonna go wiiiiiiith #thedreadvampy adiscourse #so I'll try to tag everything surrounding the question of aphobia and me with that #no gonnae tag my general depression posting with it though that's just What This Blog Exists For

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feralhogs · 4 years

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1 THROUGH 55 AND 1 THROUGH 30 GO GO GO

LETS FUCKIN GO

tumblr please actually make this a keep reading

55 interesting questions you should drop in someone’s inbox

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time?

I ALREADY WATCH NETFLIX AND AGONIZE OVER MY STORY

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you’ve own/owned?

MY JACKETS. ANY CHEST OBSCURING, BROAD SHOULDERED, COZY JACKET

3. What hobbies would you get into if time and money wasn’t an issue?

DANCING, ID NEED TO GO TO CLASSES OR SOMETHING

4. What would your perfect room look like?

IM ACTUALLY PRETTY HAPPY WITH MY ROOM BUT IVE ALWAYS WANTED A LAVA LAMP, AND 1800 MORE PLANTS COULDNT HURT

5. Do you play sports?

6. What fiction place would you love to go to?

SINNOH REGION

7. What Job would you be terrible at?

DEBT COLLECTION. I WOULD BE GIVING SHIT TO PEOPLE FOR FREE. I COULDNT BEAR BEING ENCOURAGED TO FORCE PEOPLE WHO CANT PAY FOR SOMETHING TO PAY MORE

8. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would it be?

SERVING. HOW MANY PLATES CAN YOU CARRY AT ONCE

9. What’s the most annoy habit other people have?

WALKING IN MY SPACE BUBBLE WHEN MY SENSES ARE OVERLOADED

10. What skill would you like to master?

A SECOND LANGUAGE

11. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on?

THE ONE FROM MY DREAM WHERE I KISSED A GIRL DYED MY HAIR BLUE AND WE ELOPED TO BRAZIL TO RAISE SHEEP

12. What’s your favorite drink ?

THAT CHRISTMAS SHIT. PEPPERMINT MOCHA AT STARBUCKS. A FRIEND GOT IT FOR ME ONCE. NOW I ORDER IT A BILLION TIMES.

13. What state or country would you never like to go back to?

I HAVE NOT TRAVELLED MUCH EVER

14. What songs do you have completely memorized?

I DONT REMEMBER LYRICS SO MUCH, BUT I COULD PROBABLY REMEMBER HOW MANY SONGS GO COMPLETELY

15. Are you usually early or late?

LATE. IM GETTING BETTER THOUGH

16. What takes up too much of your time?

GETTING OUT OF BED

17. What do you wish you knew more about?

SWORDS

18. What are some small things that make your day better?

COFFEE. SOMEONE SAYING SOMETHING NICE TO ME.

19. What TV channel doesn’t exist but really should?

QUEER EYE BUT BY TRANS PEOPLE FOR TRANS PEOPLE

20. Who has impressed you the most with what they’ve accomplished?

YOU. AND ME. ITS GROWTH

21. What age do you wish you can permanently be?

21, SO I HAVE TIME TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCKS GOING ON

22. What TV show or movie do you refuse to watch?

13 REASONS, THE BOOK WAS TRIGGERING SO I WONT RISK IT

23. What would be your ideal way to spend you weekend?

TAKING A WALK, HAVING COFFEE, WATERING PLANTS… IM HAPPY

24. What’s something in your life that’s considered a luxury?

I HAVE PERFUME...

25. Is there anything you’re too young/old for?

TO YOUNG TO NEVER DRINK. TOO OLD FOR POKEMON

26. What’s your favorite genre book or movie?

I DONT HAVE THE ATTENTION SPAN FOR EITHER BUT I SEEM TO LIKE URBAN FANTASY A LOT

27. How often do you people watch?

I THINK IM SO POLITE BUT HONESTLY, I QUIETLY SCRUTINIZE SO MANY PEOPLE ON THE TRAIN EVERY DAY AND GUESS AT THEIR PERSONAL HABITS AND SELF IMAGE.

28. What’s the best single day on the calendar?

MY BIRTHDAY, SAGITTARIUS SEASON RULES BABY

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of?

I DONT KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING PPL HAVENT HEARD OF BUT IM INTERESTED IN BLACK HOLES

30. Do you relax after a hard day?

FOOD. NETFLIX. DECOMPOSING ON TUMBLR

31. What’s the best book or series you’ve ever read?

I HAVENT READ A BOOK I REALLY LOVE IN AGES. HARRY POTTER AND ARTEMIS FOWL WERE MY FAVOURITES GROWING UP, BUT CORNELIA FUNKES BOOKS SLAPPED AND HIS DARK MATERIALS WAS GORGEOUS

32. Where’s the farthest you’ve ever been from home?

IDAHO?

33. What’s the most heart warming thing you’ve ever seen?

LUCIFER WAS LIKE YOU DESERVE SOMEONE WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR BORING MIDDLE NAME JANE AND KNOWS THAT EVERY MURDER BREAKS YOUR HEART AND YOU SIMPLY DESERVE BETTER SO NO MORE MOMENTS WHILE THEYRE HAVING A MOMENT AND CHLOE IS WATCHING THIS FUCKING IDIOT AND IVE WATCHED THIS BEFORE SO I KNOW SHES GONNA KISS HIM AND THEN THEY KISS

34. What’s the most annoying question that people ask you?

ANY SMALL TALK QUESTIONS

35. Would you give a 40 minute presentation with no preparation?

YES. ID MAKE THAT SHIT RIGHT UP. SKILLS

36. What’s something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives?

GIVE ME A HUG AND SOME CHOCOLATE

37. Would you rather go Hand Gliding or Whitewater rafting?

HANG GLIDING

38. Dream car?

SOMETHING I DONT HAVE TO WORRY WILL FALL INTO PIECES AT ANY MOMENT

39. What’s something so many people are obsessed with and you just don’t understand why?

STRAIGHT LOVE SONGS

40. What are you most looking forward to in 10 years from now?

HAVING A CAT

41. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but haven’t gotten to it?

DECORATING THE DOLLHOUSE I RESCUED FROM THE BATHROOM

42. What’s the best thing that’s happened to you all week?

IM NOT VERY FAR THROUGH THE WEEK AND I HAVENT ENJOYED MOST OF IT BUT PEOPLE SAYING ADORABLE THINGS

43. How different was your life one year ago?

NOT A LOT DIFFERENT, IM JUST LONELY IN THE CITY NOW, MINUS A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP, ONE YEAR ON T

44. What/who would you rate 10/10?

MY CACTUS JAKEN. I DROPPED HIM SO MANY TIMES AN ENTIRE HALF OF HIS SPIKES ARE FLAT SCARS. AND LOOK AT HIM. THRIVING

45. What kind of art do you enjoy the most?

GENUINELY MADE ART

46. What do you hope never changes?

MY T PRESCRIPTION

47. What movie title best describes your life?

I LOOKED THROUGH NETFLIX AND I PICK TWILIGHT

48. What website do you visit most often?

TUMBLR

49. What’s something you’re looking forward to this year?

MY BIRTHDAY

50. What’s something you’d like to unlearn?

FINDING A REASON TO CANCEL EVERY SINGLE LITTLE THING

51. Where would you spend all your time if you could?

WALKING BY SOME RUNNING WATER

52. What age would you like to live to?

80. THATS MY MENTAL HEALTH ANSWER

53. What’s something you’re most likely to become famous for?

SOMETHING CREATIVE WOULD BE AWESOME

54. What’s something you’re most likely to be arrested for?

CRIMES

55. What’s something you really want but can’t afford?

A CAT

Lgbt+ ask game

What do you identify as and what are your pronouns?

I’m even a little shaken by a questioning state right now but for a while I’ve felt the best fit is the androgynous label -- I read a description of it being the purple on a pink to blue scale, both at once but not specifically either one, and something else by itself. I’m also happy with a cryptic masculine grey area. My pronouns are he/him.

How did you discover your sexuality, tell your story?

During the Puberty 1.0 nightmare, I was basically living someone else’s life, and any attraction I felt wasn’t in relation to myself. I felt disconnected from my body and gender and everything too, and I felt a lot of social pressure to experience a certain type of attraction, fit into a certain role, et cetera, and none of these feelings existed in me at all, so I used to identify as ace. When I realized I was trans, I was too caught up in the, transition safely, my life is a lie, stopping dysphoria drama to focus on this, but I had an idea I might be a gay guy judging from my gay creative writing until I caught feelings for a girl and realized this wasn’t the first time that had happened. Some bi positivity and nonbinary rage later, I am reminded that gender is a joke.

Have you experienced being misgendered? What happened and how did you overcome it?

Yes of course A LOT. Starting with my parents, who do it aggressively and maliciously. And plenty from strangers and customers, mostly after hearing my voice pre-transition. It used to hurt terribly because I was dealing with so much other stuff at the time, and one little thing could be the last straw, so I used to react strongly and harshly, to people you express yourself to anyway. On T, I’ve been so much more chill and confident, and it’s less painful to accept that some people just don’t know any better, although that doesn’t change its effect.

Who was the first person you told, how did they react?

I don’t remember, I think it was a high school friend. I vaguely remember texting someone in a bathroom during a crying session at work. My high school friends were all warm and supportive.

Describe what it was like coming out, what did you feel?

It was scary as hell. I’m sure coming out (with your gender specifically) is scary by nature because it’s a huge truth to be telling that can really change how the people you love perceive you, for better or for worse, but for me, I’m also thinking with the dread and certainty that my family would be too conservative and potentially dangerous. Coming out to my family was one of the worst, most painful things I’ve ever been through -- being kicked out and laughed at, a lot of drama, confrontations, Bible readings and being ganged up on at odd hours, trying to comfort my mom who took it as her personal failure -- I was shaking with adrenaline 24/7. I think of the “I’ll suffer through anything as long as it has meaning” comment that was about angsty fanfics, but knowing the truth about myself was a source of unshakable strength and it felt refreshing and even triumphant to say, like I was giving myself permission to exist for the first time. I came out a bunch of times, though...

If you’re out, how did your parents/guardians/friends react?

My family reacted mostly badly, my sister is a little confused but has the spirit, and my friends have been wonderful.

What is one question you hate people asking about your sexuality?

It’s more of a gender thing, but I hate it when people imply that I shouldn’t be on T or are subtly trying to talk me out of it with their questions. After all the disrespectful as fuck bullshit I heard from my parents, I’m tired of this.

Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

Zombie apocalypse denim? Gay Layers

Who are your favourite lgbt+ ships?

I’m not really emotionally invested in these “ships” you cool kids are talking about. I like canon, age-appropriate ones.

What does makeup mean to you? Do you wear any?

I’ve never really worn makeup. I brazenly never bothered to growing up, and if it had an effect on me socially, I was too tuned out to care. My sister always wanted to do my hair and makeup, but I wasn’t interested and wouldn’t let her, much to her frustration. I wore some for a musical once though, and I had no idea what I was doing and it was extremely uncomfortable. I felt what I know now is dysphoria and ended up using the lipstick to draw. Another aspect to this is my family forbade it (or my dad made the decision for everyone), not that it made my sister feel less pressured to wear it, so maybe it was some female presentation I could easily get out of. For that reason, I don’t have super strong feelings about it. Not understanding it probably resulted in me feeling left out a lot among my peers.

Do you experience dysphoria? If so, how does that affect you?

Yes. Before my realization, it was a numb horror I wasn’t consciously aware of, ruining nice things growing up to the point where I feel like I missed out on being a teenager. I remember it as feeling nauseous while sitting in a corner, feeling like none of my clothes ever fit for some mysterious reason. Living with my family in the closet, it defined my life, and I was obsessed with my presentation. These days, it does not bother me on that level at all, except a minor freakout now and then if I get really wild and wear feminine clothes. Or I still feel it in more subtle ways, when I default to customer service voice, or when guys my age are twice my height and I look aaaall the way up at them and wonder what gender they see me as.

What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard said about the lgbt+ community?

Trust me, I have heard truck loads of dumb shit and the winner is the Gay Agenda is R****a’s propaganda to weaken the integrity of North America. Considering what is happening over there, it was enragingly stupid.

What’s your favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

I feel like I can be myself around lgbt+ people. I don’t feel like I have to hide stuff or put on a show, and I’m not afraid because it’s familiar territory.

What’s your least favourite thing about the lgbt+ community?

Aside from obvious problems like TERFs, ace discourse. Ace people are part of the community if they want to be and that’s enough on that, my skin is already breaking out.

Have you ever been to your cities pride event? Why or why not?

I finally went to a Pride event this year! I was surprised it was the first one I’d been to, then remembered my parents discouraged me from going anywhere, never mind to a gay where.

Who is your favourite lgbt+ Icon/Advocate/Celebrity?

I can’t think of many people right now, but Leslie Feinberg seems awesome, and some quotes from Stone Butch Blues are very validating.

Have you been in a relationship and how did you meet?

No. Technically I have been in one, but it was shitty and ridiculous, and basically platonic, and I don’t want it to count.

What is your favourite lgbt+ book?

I barely read… I read Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe in high school and it was honestly so precious.

Have you ever faced discrimination? What happened?

Yes. I got kicked out (but then kicked back in again), had my stuff stolen and damaged, was verbally harassed… and I was indirectly fired by an employer, but We Will Never Know Why...

Your Favorite lgbt+ movie or show?

Queer Eye! I don’t know of many though, and some important ones, I just haven’t watched.

Who are some of your favourite lgbt+ bloggers?

My mutuals :D

Which lgbt+ slur do you want to reclaim?

I’m okay calling myself queer.

Have you ever gone to a gay bar, or a drag show, how was it?

No, but I did see some drag performances at the one (1) Pride event I went to, and they were jaw-dropping.

How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that mean to you?

I’m not sure what this question means, but I decide what fits right by what makes me feel the most alive and emotionally real and in the moment. What makes me feel the most attractive to be honest. There’s a post about dysphoria I saw going around, the things on it are basically what I use to figure things out.

Are you interested in having children? Why or why not?

I am actually! Not anytime soon, but I’m the responsible type for sure, and judging by the way I love growing plants and being around animals, I’m probably a nurturing person. I actually like kids too, lol, they’re just so high-energy.

What identity advice would you give your younger self?

You’re a boy. Go!

What do you think of gender roles in relationships?

I think people are going to have different ways of expressing themselves that make them happy, but… I don’t think they should infringe on basic human decency. When I hear “role” I think of acting a certain way because someone told you to, something I want to disagree with on the spot.

Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

People move out of my way on the sidewalk and take me seriously now. Privilege or self-confidence… I never want to forget what it used to be like, or get too entitled.

What is something you wish people know about being lgbt+?

That it’s simply living one’s reality. I think that trips up a lot of straight people -- that some people just come like this, and they don’t have to make it fit into their personal identity.

Why are proud to be lgbt+?

Because I worked hard to be alive and happy right now. I’m proud of choosing to get through those rough patches, take care of myself, heal, take walks, cook breakfast, learn healthy coping mechanisms, that was out of love for myself and a defiant conviction that I have a place in this world.

#chatty tag

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thelifetimechannel · 5 years

Text

The Dave and Dirk log, for obvious reasons, was something I wanted to try very hard to get right. That meant although we drafted it together via msparp, as was our custom, I ended up overhauling it way more than any of our other combo walkaround logs. A few chunks did survive the transfer, though.

In other news, we’ve made a solemn pact to finish TLC over winter break, which is good because I’m running out of bonus content. Hopefully we’ll have some assets to show off soon. I’ve already seen a few; they’re very nice.

DIRK: Hey, dude. You did pretty well out there. DIRK: Didn't even die once. DAVE: twice in a day is my max im satisfied with keeping that record DAVE: even if getting machinegunned is rapidly becoming my "thing" DIRK: Seems we each have our respective "signature deaths". DIRK: Or at least it ain't a party until I get decapitated. That sure was something we needed to do again. DIRK: Just once, for old time's sake. DAVE: well that puts the nail in the meme coffin DAVE: any time you panic someones gonna tell you to keep your head on DAVE: like keeping your hair on except you know that shit aint going anywhere its probably shellaced DIRK: That shit is bolted to the floor. Did you know I walked around with a girly-ass pink tiara on my head this whole day and had no idea? DIRK: I had no idea. Couldn't feel a thing. DIRK: And people let me do that. DIRK: Can't fuckin' believe it. DAVE: oh DAVE: i figured you knew DIRK: I am less than pleased with my Skaia-ordained divine color scheme. DIRK: But I guess I have to live with it. It's part of the team aesthetic. DAVE: you could always change DIRK: Nah, with the tiara and tights ditched I have at least mitigated the enforced flamboyance. It's bearable. DIRK: I can't be the one dude out of uniform. Couldn't bear the shame. DAVE: my outfit is pretty sick ngl DAVE: sburb knows everyones secret desire is to have a cape DIRK: Unfortunately, mine isn't long enough to also make for a good tactical maneuver. DIRK: Not gonna lie, that was pretty funny. DAVE: if nothing else my attempts at combat can provide a source of humor in our lives DAVE: but honestly id be fine if my fighting days were over DAVE: i was never into it DAVE: rose on the other hand was obviously itching to beat people up DAVE: one of those 12 year olds who wants to get jumped in an alley to work out her suppressed anger DIRK: Maybe Skaia did make a few miscalculations in dumping your asses with your respective guardians. I think you'd get along well with Roxy and her cats, make her budget her time away from the alcohol. DIRK: ...in theory. DIRK: Rose can go a few rounds with me if she wants, we still need to sort out who has the rights to document our legendary journies. DAVE: ill plan your funeral DAVE: what kind of flowers do you want DIRK: ...there's different kinds? DAVE: damn thats right you grew up in waterworld DAVE: these choices matter DAVE: allegedly theres a thing called "flower language" DAVE: whether you can actually send someone a boquet telling them to meet you in the pit i dont know DIRK: Like, I get that, in theory, different kinds of flowers exist. But I fully anticipate any attempt on my part to conjugate in the language of said plants would end in my coffin declaring my hovercraft was indeed full of eels. DIRK: Maybe it'll have thorns on it. Or it'll be like the sixteen millions tons of green bullshit covering my land and making my nose itch. DAVE: probably DIRK: Worst case scenario, I'll pick out something orange and present to a prospective love interest and it'll mean something like "my brotherly passion for you knows no boundaries, and also no homo". DAVE: my bro wouldnt go for flower arranging DAVE: or pink tiaras DAVE: he was pretty uptight about the whole rah rah macho act DAVE: probably subscribed to alpha males weekly DAVE: which is weird considering DAVE: well DAVE: youre gay right DIRK: Uh. DIRK: Well. DIRK: My symbolic quest land is not covered in green bullshit, but I. DIRK: Happen to like watching birds, if you know what I mean. DIRK: Fuck, you probably don't know what that means. Jake and his goddamn thousand euphemisms. DAVE: cant say i do no DIRK: Nobody knows what it means but Jake. It's an old time epithet for being into dudes. DIRK: He knows all the old epithets, including some I suspect he made up. DAVE: so DAVE: thats a yes DAVE: in a roundabout way that includes birds DIRK: I've never denied it. DIRK: I'm just. DIRK: Not a huge fan of the word. Why, in this world post-society, do we need to confine ourselves to labels like "gay"? Such constraints were washed away from my world with the rest of the human race. DAVE: holy shit that was such a pretentious dodge DAVE: dont let rose hear you say that DIRK: Rose can hear all she likes. DAVE: but anyway DAVE: i wasnt asking to get up all in your business like SOME PEOPLE DAVE: who are so into getting into other peoples businesses theyre basically the fucking mafia or the irs DAVE: but DAVE: it explains some stuff DAVE: but on the other hand it doesnt DAVE: the way you raised me was kinda aggressively mainstream masculine enough that it wasnt something that ever seemed to come up as an option DAVE: [describe that type of culture and mindset better later, I KNOW what i mean but im tired rn lmao] DAVE: and anything outside of that id just brush off because it couldnt apply to me DAVE: and that went for pretty much everything that went against what you wanted for me DAVE: including that DIRK: And yet, here the man was, subconsciously shrieking his desire for floppy felt dong through, DIRK: What I guess you could call his art, for want of any other applicable word at all. God, the mental images are crawling up the insides of my skull like the Exorcist child, do I want to know? DAVE: probably not DAVE: guess trying to act peak male has its drawbacks DAVE: weirdly enough troll culture is obsessively hyperviolent but doesnt give a shit about sexuality DAVE: they dont see the difference most of the time i guess DAVE: and so like DAVE: maybe it rubs off on you because in some ways that kind of makes sense DAVE: but after so long its hard to know what i feel and what it means because i spent so long ignoring it DAVE: so i guess i was wondering DAVE: if you had anything that might help with that DAVE: or if youre also trapped in this whirling screaming maelstrom of bullshit DAVE: while kinsey sits in the eye of the storm laughing DIRK: Wait, wait, wait. DIRK: You're coming to me. DIRK: For advice. DIRK: Do you know what a laughable hurricane of disaster my interpersonal life has been? DIRK: Like, in a weird way, I'm kind of honored, especially since about five hours ago you were scared shitless to be around me, but. DIRK: I'm standing here and waving my credentials in the air just to display how I don't fucking have any. My degree is a sham and my hands are empty except for a crudely scribbled on piece of construction paper. DAVE: are you suggesting theres a gay university DAVE: where you study bird watching DIRK: Do I look like a man who's been to college? DAVE: fair DAVE: but like DAVE: your friends know DAVE: how did you broach the subject there DIRK: I might as well have been dating a Yoko Ono for the devastation it wreaked on our friend group, so yeah, it was a little hard to ignore. DIRK: Compounded by the fact some smartass from Gay University was using my social circle for romance geometry homework. DIRK: It wasn't even a love triangle so much as a love roundabout. DAVE: ok but thats just because you were a dipshit not a gay dipshit DAVE: they were chill about the first part right DIRK: Thanks. DIRK: I mean... Roxy always seemed disappointed. DAVE: luckily i dont think anyones waiting in line for me DAVE: i guess im blowing it out of proportion DAVE: i dont think anyone will MIND DAVE: no one did about rose and kanaya DAVE: didnt even question the vampire bit which goes to show what our lives are like these days DAVE: like ok our outfit has vampires now DAVE: thats a thing that we have DAVE: if i say oh hey i might be bisexual theyll just say sure pull up a chair at the acronym table DAVE: the only one who might be weird about it is john DAVE: but hed be just as weird if i told him id changed my favorite color hes just like that DAVE: the only person its really a big deal for is me DIRK: Jane was a little bit like that. I'm pretty sure the only reason she had to object was because she found out the day I made a move on her crush. DIRK: It might just be growing up in a household where you're not regularly fighting for your life, and thus what genders are kissing whom has the space to be higher on your priority list. DAVE: that aint anyones priority these days DAVE: im prepared to acknowledge the concept that hey maybe everyone elses lives dont revolve around me and my personal drama or self revelations might have some merit at least as a hypothesis DAVE: when i met kid english he kept going on about how i was the most important person and everyone else was side characters DAVE: and maybe ive acted like that sometimes DIRK: Yeah, like you alone are the one responsible for everyone around you. DAVE: and maybe ive acted like i think that way too sometimes DAVE: ive been wrong about people DAVE: people i care about people i shouldve known better DAVE: i was wrong because i wanted to believe things that matched how i wanted the world to be DAVE: things that made it easier for the story i was telling myself DAVE: i dont think kid english meant to call me on it but damn DIRK: Reality is, after all, something we construct for ourselves. DIRK: I think maybe I knew that all along when I surfaced for air inbetween shoving my head as far up my ass as it would go. DIRK: Or maybe that's just what I try to tell myself in hindsight. DAVE: well if it takes a hyperactive 12 year old version of the final bosss creepy hero worship of me to make a point i guess thats not the least subtle way the universe has sent me a message lately DIRK: You want unsubtle? Let me tell you about my damn planet quest. DAVE: haha DAVE: i didnt have to do much of my quest because im invisible DAVE: thanks mom DIRK: My denizen practically sat me down like it was my life coach and growled in my ear about improving my communication skills with a guy I told to go fuck himself not eighteen hours prior. DIRK: So while I'm glad SBURB has a vested interest in me repairing my friendships, playing electroshock death DDR with him was a little on the nose. DAVE: maybe getting shot again wasnt that bad DAVE: so weve all learned our life lessons good job team DIRK: Exactly. Can we wrap this up now? Can we please go rest? DIRK: I'm so exhausted I haven't even noticed I'm still hungover. DAVE: sure thing DAVE: but if i need tips on leaping out of a closet to intimidate passerby i might text you DIRK: I mean, I can try. As long as you don't ask me for dating tips. That, I definitely shouldn't be helping you with. DIRK: Go talk to your sister for that. DIRK: ...wouldn't she, by the transitive property of siblings, also be my sister? DAVE: yeah i guess DAVE: but theres no way in hell im asking rose for dating advice DAVE: on her first date which she refused to admit was romantically oriented she got wasted in anticipation forgot to show up and then fell down the stairs DIRK: Oh my god. DAVE: she tries to look like shes got her shit together but its a lie DAVE: if you find my corpse floating on lolar in the next few hours dont let the truth die with me DIRK: Why are we like this? DIRK: Is there actually something hardwired into our DNA that predisposes us to being disasters? DIRK: But, that aside. DIRK: I won't object if it's me you come to talk to. DAVE: ill hold you to it DAVE: and if you ever want to publicly you admit you DAVE: "enjoy birdwatching" DAVE: in less vague and evasive terms DAVE: ill have your back DIRK: Thanks.

#bonus content

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s-nnyd · 6 years

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for the pride month asks: all of them babey

🌈 - what’s your orientation and gender?

bi and currently figuring for non-binary

🌹- what would be your ideal date?

Bro mcfuckin aight i highkey love all of the most cheesy cliche date ideas like going to the pier in santa monica or even going to an aquarium like i love that shit

💘 - what personality traits are attractive to you?

mann personality traits? im ngl like what i’ve seen pretty consistently among all my crushes is that they’ve all got really good heads on their shoulders theyre usually the type of person who is really open minded and conscious of change but is way more self-aware and keeps peace with most others they themselves keep judgement to a minimum but speak their words and opinions especially cause they care so much about others some might say they act mature for their age but i mean like its the seriousness of them the kindness and the care they put for others and the mindfulness they have just makes things so much more

💋 - what do you find physically attractive?

oh fuck man like god damn back muscles like fuck oh shit man also i realized that i like my girls with short hair my guys with long hair and my nbs with variety but all of them have hella nice eyebrows oh shit man my dude fuck

🐻 - what is your favourite animal?

LIONS I FUCKING LOVE THEM I LVOE THE ABSOLUTE SHIT OUT OF LIONS LIKE YOU DONT UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH I LOVE LIONS LIKE MY HEART DOES A LIL SQUEEZE EVERY TIME I SEE ONE AND THEN WHEN I SEE ONE IN PERSON I GET REALLY GIDDY I REALLY LOVE LIONS LIKE ITS JUST A NATURAL LOVE FOR THEM

💭 - when did you realise you were lgbt?

lmao when i had a crush on three people all at once during middle school like i never had a crush before and what not so i was like lmao maybe i just dont like people in general and then it got to a point where i had these specific thoughts: “man i just wow youre so pretty and really cute and super hot wow oh fuck dont do that- oh okay youre gonna- wow okay shit dont smile- oh god im gonna die fuck youre just such a great person and the things you do wow” and i thought that basically translated to me really and i mean really really wanting to be friends with them like my god my idiot ass and so i had a crush on these two girls “A” and “J” and this one guy “A” and they were all pretty spread out on campus and there was at least one in all of my classes so i was straight up dead most of the time

eventually my dumb ass was like ooooOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHH fuck

💌 - what makes your heart melt?

yo what makes my heart melt is when it comes to the person i really like like when i hear their laugh not the one that they do cause thats what the social cue calls for or because they thought it was pretty funny like yeah i love those laughs i love them to bits but the ones that i love the most are the ones that catch them off guard make them burst out with laughter then with a quick hand to the mouth and a turn away to try to hide that they were laughing to act like they werent paying attention to what you said what makes my heart melt is when theres a genuine smile on their face one that isnt just for family or friends not just one thats to display to the public on purpose its the smile that sort of makes its way onto their face when they least realize it the one that makes their face look so gentle and soft in that moment the smile that shows a state of being that is in peace one that conveys heartfelt happiness at the realization of the moment at hand what makes my heart melt is when they talk about the things that are important to them the little things and the big things things that just sort of spill out cause its just that important and it makes them so genuinely happy or so genuinely excited what makes my heart melt is when i look into their eyes when theyre talking to me not necessarily on a very specifically good or bad day just on a day when were talking together and i just end up sort of looking into their eyes and i realize what a pretty color i find myself staring at its when they smile that their eyes crinkle a little bit at the corners that when they try to not to laugh something most others would consider stupid but they cant hold back that you realize that one bottom eyelid closes a bit faster than the other and the color of their eyes changes a bit its when you see the little lines of black and the light lines of green in their eyes its when you see the variation of color in their eyes that makes their eyes their own that makes my heart melt

these are the things that make my heart melt

🎤 - do you have a favourite lgbt song?

oof uhh favorite? i mean first thing that comes to mind is a bunch of hayley kiyoko songs like specifically gravel to tempo cause damn headphones girl but also feelings cause relatable

🍀 - what’s your fav thing abt being lgbt?

ugh fuck girls like just damn i love em guys too fuck other nbs too shit man like i just i dunno i think what i love is that its fucking confirmed that i am allowed to give my love to so many more people like shit my dude theres so much i wanna give to so many people and just having that be a part of my life makes me really happy

🌠 - advice for young lgbt people?

mmf my dude like relax there’s a lot of labels out there, not just with how you identify yourself for who you love and who you are with other things too, but i think the things you should focus on is “do you like a certain person?” okay then cool you like that person “how do they identify themselves?” okay then you like people who identify similarly “how do you yourself identify?” okay cool then thats what you are

if it takes you time to figure it out to feel at peace with yourself like then thats all good let it happen think about it but like no one can really decide who you are and what you are besides you

and so in regards to other people they cant tell you whats right or wrong they really have no say over that they dont but also neither do you so in regards to others just keep your peace with them if someone identifies a certain way no matter what you better keep peace even if you dont believe them just respect how they choose to identify and if you cant do that then walk the fuck away same thing goes for you as an individual if another does that to you just walk away

there will be people who are ignorant there will be people who come across as being more aggressive there will be people who seem to not completely understand everything but again keep your peace and be willing to teach people

☁️ - where do you see yourself in 5 years?

oof man like im not really all that sure like id like to say id be in an apartment and maybe with a nice decked out place with all my art that ive made plastered on my walls and id be living with my s/o but i mean i wonder if that last part’d happen ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ but its whatever if it happens then it happens if it dont it dont but im pretty damn sure of myself that ill be in a better place i know it

#long post #plxgueknight

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becoming-human · 3 years

Text

12/3/2020

diary entry re: friendship. read at your own risk.

i am so tired. all the time.

i stay up until three am every night and wake up at noon. i’ve all but given up on college and i don’t even know why. i don’t have a job. i sit in my pajamas at my desk all day and do nothing. i don’t have the motivation to do anything. it’s exhausting.

i was thinking last night about how easy it is for my friends to just.....spend time with each other? they just think “hey i’m lonely do you want to call and hang out?” and then do it. it’s wild.

i’ve never had good role models for interpersonal relationships. my parents don’t really have friends--certainly not ones they spend time with in person. my dad has some “friends” that he emails back and forth with and my mom has coworkers she is friendly with, but that’s really it. my dad is a depressed introvert that literally lives in the basement and rarely leaves the house (even before covid). my mom is a 0-100 workaholic--she’s either working hard at cleaning or her job or she’s sitting in bed watching documentaries. when my parents went looking for a house to raise my sister and i in they specifically looked for one that was secluded and distanced from other people. i think my mom does look for friends, but it doesn’t sound like she’s ever had more than one or two that’s ever been worth their shit. the concept of genuine friendship seems completely foreign to my dad; he’s always baffled and borderline upset when i am on long calls with my friends or i willingly spend hours with them in person.

point is that i really have no idea what it means to be someone’s “friend” because i was never taught. like most other things, i’ve had to figure it out on my own by finding something that works and sticking to it.

my dad views interpersonal relationships like a point system. if you do something for someone you’ll get points with them, and more points means theyre less likely to hate you or call you lazy or ungrateful. i didn’t realize how much i had internalized this belief until this year, which is sad.

i didn’t realize i had friends until this year.

okay. to explain. i had “friends”: people i cared deeply about, people i enjoyed spending time with, people i loved. but i was always under the belief that they didn’t love me as much as i loved them; in fact, i just accepted as truth that they kept me around conditionally or out of pity. it was such a solid truth to me that it didn’t even bother me. that’s just how it was. i didn’t know any different.

i learned quickly in middle school (after my social disaster trial run that was elementary school) that people liked to be listened to and people liked to be validated. this was the beginning of the “therapist friend” label for me: i became someone to unload your traumas to and tell your darkest secrets to and rant about your newest obsession to. and i would listen to all of it intently and offer advice and engage. a lot of people needed that--who doesn’t need a listening ear?--so i suddenly found myself with “friends”. this was foreign. i had friends in elementary school but most of them (that i remember) made fun of me or used me. this was different--suddenly i was being praised instead of bullied. i had found something that worked, and by god i was going to stick to it to a t.

i also realized early on, from a mix of my “no negative emotions” home life and my dealings with my early middle school friends, that my love and my practices about being a listening ear would not be reciprocated. being a “therapist friend” meant being put together enough for people to feel comfortable talking to you, and that meant not talking about your own problems with them. and, in the early years, i was so repressed that i refused to believe that i even had problems.

as i got into seventh and eighth grade and stuck with some friends that were actually worth it, i hesitantly started to branch out. only with the friends i was really close to (aka friends i spend the most time with and friends that had opened up the most to me). i started bringing up my own troubles with my sexuality and my home life and my depression, to mixed results. some would be supportive and listen as i had done with them; others treated it as a competition and made fun of me for calling them problems at all. most just pretended to listen and then moved on. that was okay--that was expected. my trial run over, i closed off again with all but one of my friends.

(to be clear. middle school was a mess for all of us and i don’t hold anyone but myself accountable for closing off.)

so anyway. high school. oh god. retrospect is a bitch.

i thought i was a good friend in freshman and sophomore year. in reality, i was used over and over again as a punching bag and a scrapegoat. i’m not going to go into it. if you know you know. point is that i never realize just how toxic things had gotten because i still genuinely believed that being a good friend meant taking all of it--the good and the bad. and if i came home and climbed into bed and cried then that meant i was a bad friend--i couldn’t handle them when they were at their worst, i had failed them. so i would go in the next day and be even better, even more submissive. and maybe, sometimes, every couple months there would be a spark of something nice: they would bring me hot chocolate or say “thank you” or give me a hug or laugh at something i said instead of just at me. or maybe they would have a meltdown in the bathroom and text me for help and i would escort them to the school nurse. and that, to naïve me, would make it all worth it, because it proved to me that they did like me and they did want me as a friend. it also reinforced the idea in my brain that every time i came home feeling bad about myself (more often than not) i was betraying them, because look at how they needed me! and i was considering abandoning them? in their obvious time of need? it was this endless cycle of self hatred. toxic and emotionally abusive friendships are very real, and sometimes you don’t realize it’s happening until it’s far too late.

honest to god, i chose online school junior year because the thought of going back to deal with them was just too much. (and for those who don’t know, these are two separate people with two separate friend groups). i did abandon them, sure. from their point of view maybe. but i’m not sure i would’ve survived any longer with them. they had their own shit to figure out and i was not about to subject myself to their constant harassment any longer.

unfortunately, as i started online school, this predicament raised a new and very important question for me: i had done what i was supposed to, but it didn’t work. what do i do now? if my “therapist friend” job had stopped working then who was i? how was i going to be a friend?

i started by rekindling things with my best friend--the only one who had listened in middle school. she was an online student too so we started working on projects together. she reminded me through her love and her actions what true friendship was--and i started to realize just how bad things had gotten in her absence with my other “friends”. my online enrollment gave me an excuse to cut out the toxicity but for a while i was left with very few people. i became very closed off, even to my friends from high school that had actually kind to me. junior year, even with k present, was extremely lonely. i had no idea how to stay in contact with people. they had always been the ones to come to me first when i was the therapist friend; i assumed that if they didn’t come to me then they just didn’t need me, and that was okay. i didn’t reach out because there was nothing to say. it’s stressful for me to maintain a conversation over text. i can’t see people’s faces or hear their intonation and everything is so short and to the point. i am a rambler by nature and i talk a mile a minute, so text/chat is not my medium of choice. and if they text or call just to ~check in~, it always felt (and honestly, still feels, although i’m trying to get over it) like a chore they had to complete to honor their own inner point systems. not their fault--they never said or did anything to make me feel unloved. this was purely my own doing.

senior year things started to look up. i rejoined choir in the public high school so i got to see my friends in person--that’s when i started finding people that treated me well. i started to feel happier about myself and more confident in my abilities as a friend. i still didn’t know exactly how to be a “friend” but i did want to learn. this time i went more for the “playful banter” route with a mix of therapist friend on the side. i think it’s worked out relatively well. i also started playing dnd, and that helped boost my friendships a lot. i still didn’t open up a whole lot but i was starting to feel comfortable and safe and happy with the people i was spending time with.

and then covid happened and everything plummeted again.

like i said, i just have trouble over text. i lost contact almost immediately with pretty much everyone. i could’ve done more, for sure. but i just did know how. i still don’t. once again, i was in the same mentality i was in junior year, except this time it was worse--if they did reach out, i would leave them on delivered because i just didn’t have the energy to respond.

here’s the thing. my friends have all seemed to master the casual aspect of friendship. i had no idea how to. every time i interact with someone it’s a performance and a display--every time it’s a job. every time i prepare myself to listen and to be submissive, even if i don’t need to. it doesn’t matter if i enjoy the people i’m with. this is just how it’s always been--this is always how it’s had to be. or so i thought.

mid-quarantine i had a call that went until three am and, quite honestly, changed my life. k and a and i can call for hours, and just to be clear here, i love calling them. we had been facetiming for so long--it was ridiculous. eventually we got to the point in the night where everything switches from basic conversations about boobs and farts and crushes and books and whatnot to emotional contemplations. i don’t exactly remember how we even got there, and i don’t remember what was said. but i do remember feeling a sudden and deep shift in myself. it was incredible. all three of us talked about our relationships with the others--how our friendships had grown and changed and developed over the years, and how much we meant to each other. and it got to my turn and i made the decision to be vulnerable--probably for the first time since middle school, if not earlier. and they listened, and they encouraged me, and they didn’t make fun of me when i chickened out a few times. they were friends to me.

and i realized, in an incredibly stupid moment, that my friends were right there.

i wish i could say things changed after that and everything was wonderful, but it wasn’t. being vulnerable is still a challenge. i still don’t answer my texts. spending time with people still feels like a performance. but i don’t feel as alone anymore. for the first time i’ve realized that the thing ive been searching for my whole life was right there in front of me this whole time and i was just too dumb to see it.

epic poggers moment.

anyway, all this to say that i feel guilty for not answering my texts ever but i appreciate my friends so fucking much and i love them and would die for them--but, more importantly, i know for sure that they would do the same for me. i have a support system. it rules. i know i can reach out when i need to. and i’m trying to get better at actually doing it.

but i’ll never fucking understand how yall can just get together so casually like HOW do you do it do you not have to prepare yourself its EXHAUSTING lmfao. idk. its probably just a me thing.

#mel rambles #diary entry

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buggerjagger646 · 7 years

Text

nobody is going to like this and i just dont care at all.

alright.

im gonna rant

because my head hurts and maybe this will make it a little less terrible.

How very not buddhist of me, but fuck you “fat acceptance” or “mental health acceptance”. fuck. you.

allow me to introduce myself in a way that makes me cringe at my very core, for this is the way that so many talk about themselves these days and i find it fucking deplorable to define yourself not by the content of your character or the achievements which you have brought to yourself, but instead these fucking bullshit words which hold little to no meaning of who YOU are. fuck that. but for the sake of the argument of this rant, ive been seeing a therapist for several months after what i can only think of as a fairly serious break and im being monitored for some variation of depression and suicidal whatever, and also for anorexia, apparently.

to the “accept my mental illness” bullshit - screw off. just screw off. it was suggested at my most recent session that i might need to enter a hospital facility for the apparent severity of my thoughts. i have to go to a long, pain in the ass diagnostic session in a couple of weeks to see if theyre going to medicate me, and that session was very difficult to get because hey apparently very few prescribing mental doctors who take my insurance deal with people who have eating issues. so fuck that first of all.

“accept my mental illness, i dont need to see a therapist.” go to hell, quite frankly. i force myself to be honest with my therapist. i keep a stupid log of my “emotion states” because she asks me to even though i think is ridiculous. i read and listen to many psychological figures and ideas and force my own self to do everything i can to try to figure out some way to get around all of this. fuck you and your “accept me as i am because i dont want to/am too scared to do any real work for my own wellbeing”. fuck you. get fucking help, do some fucking work, get the hell over yourself for the love of everything. stop moaning and telling ME, ME who is working herself raw to figure out what the hell to do, that you dont have to do the same damn work as me. get off it. get yourself together, damnit. do some damn work.

moving along,

“fat acceptance” can fuck. the hell. off. right off. so far off that i never have to see that bullshit again in my life. they weigh me once per month at my doctor. the doctor who i had to sit in front of like a little kid and admit that i was barely eating and watch THAT look. you dont know THAT look unless you know THAT look. the doctor who i was given the (appropriate) ultimatum of ‘go to the doctor to be sure youre not dying or we cannot continue’ by the therapist i already mentioned. i just happened to find and like the one who had a specialization in eating disorders. lucky me. i keep a food journal on and off where i have to describe my feelings around what im eating. and when i hand them off i get to watch her get that little look of repressed concern, going ‘this cant be all that there is’. they primarily consist of the feeling “i hate this” and “im forcing this down my throat and i feel terrible”.

so fuck your fat acceptance. dont give me bullshit about “glandular” this and “hereditary” that. the overwhelming majority of you who are fat are so because your food intake is complete and total shit and entirely more than it should be, and you dont fucking care. or, frankly, youre lazy. and dont sass me, ive had a number of fat people admit to me directly that they are too fucking lazy to learn to cook or to cook for themselves or to eat within healthful bounds.

fuck. you.

you know what? if you want to destroy your body and your general well being and youre somehow content there, fucking go for it. but dont fucking demand that i accept the fact that youre too stubborn or lazy to do well for yourself. fuck you. if i have to shove food into my mouth and i have to be fucking uncomfortable and i have to fucking deal with this, fuck you, you can fix your diet and stop being an ass. and for the record, anyone who is pushing this shit for children is absolutely, sickeningly, deplorable. children should not be fat. they have every metabolic and physical reason to not be fat unless their jackass parents are too ignorant or arrogant to do something. and yes, thats fucking child abuse. if your kid is fat, its almost certain that you are doing something wrong and you need to either seek assistance or have some kind of repercussion. fuck up your life if you must but dont try to bring kids into this.

fuck you. if i have to force myself to eat, if i have to make myself be honest with what not eating does to me, then you assholes should be held to the same accountability. you know that the food you eat is shit and/or too plentiful. you KNOW it. dont give me this shit about “fat acceptance”. get your shit together and learn how to accept yourself and you might find that in most cases, youre well aware that youre fucking killing your body and you really dont actually like it. if anorexia is an eating disorder, then most of the overeating is so as well. your relationship with food is just as unhealthy as mine is, stop fucking lying to yourself because youre too lazy to be honest and to find the better solutions.

fuck your acceptance bullshit.

almost no one knows whats broken in me right now and im damn well going to fucking keep it that way. because i will be fucking damned if i am going to be defined by this shit as opposed to the things that i have done or will do or the person who i am or my long thought and pondered ideas. and even better, ive been completely betrayed by one person i trusted with this information of me who was so enamored with these labels. and ill tell you, it certainly hasnt helped my view of these label lovers.

get over yourselves. figure yourselves out, give therapists something to do. if youve got problems, fucking address them. if you want something, fucking go and do the work for it. you dont get things just because you think that you somehow deserve them. work for it. and be someone worthy of what you want. dont be a weak little cowering barely person who demands things from people to try to fulfill something youre not willing to work for. and jesus fucking christ, dont just sit there being broken and insist that we have to take you as you are broken or accept your delusions.

i force myself to eat. i work my mind in circles trying to figure out how to be in a better mind. you “accept me” people are so full of shit i can barely stand it.

#mental health #depression #anorexia #eating disorder #social justice #fat acceptance #health #rant

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ranebowstitches · 7 years

Text

sky high kylux au headcanons

ok so i totally rewatched sky high the other day (it’s on netflix right now go watch it) and then i took a shower and you know had one of those ALL THE IDEAS kinda showers and thus kylux sky high au so please let me yell them at you

ok so like kylo basically has his force powers but it’s labeled as telekinesis, he inherits this from his mothers side of course, and he’s of course the edge lord of the school (if you’ve seen Sky High he’s basically Warren Peace), always fighting with other students cause of his temper etc etc probably angry at his dad for not having powers and thus making him “weaker” cause he can only inherit the one you know typical angsty teen shit

now at first I was like “what power(s) would hux have??” and I was like ooo what if he didn’t have any like his mom and dad were both super but then he didn’t have any but then I was like no he’s gotta have something so I’m like what is an “invisible” power and then it hit me: Hux has the power to steal other people’s powers!

ok so facts to Hux’s power though right 1) he can only steal one power at a time 2) if the person he’s stealing from dies the power dies with it (and it’s like forcefully ripped from him like not fun for hux at all) 3) when he steals it it’s instant it’s like he snaps and BAM he has you don’t see it happen at all 4) it’s all or nothing he can’t take like half of the power he gets all of it or gives it all back (thinking about fudging this rule a bit so that once theyre in an established relationship hux can carry around like 2% of kylo’s power with him so it’s like he always has kylo with him awww but im not sure yet… maybe like if the person willingly gives over the power hux can take how ever much or little he wants? maybe he just requires a few more years of training before he’s like ‘oh i dont have to take it ALL’ i dunno yet!!)

so anyway im thinking you’ve got clean cut rigid straight A honor student Hux who lies and says he doesn’t have powers but he wants to learn like all he can about the super power society and such and is like “im better than all of you with or without powers” and he’s like top science student cause he’s a fuckin nerd and can build a freeze ray gun in 2.5 seconds do not mess with him

and maybe some people do know about hux’s powers maybe just teachers or something (he probably doesnt have many friends i havent really thought about other characters yet..hmm what would phasma’s powers be..) but in any case I need kylo to not know about hux’s powers because of this specific scene in my head so like somehow hux provokes kylo, maybe hux isn’t that well liked by most of the school (i mean he’s kinda a snobby brat soooo), someone trips him in the cafeteria at school, his food gets on kylo, something like that, so kylo lashes out and has hux against the wall with his telekinesis all like “whatchu gonna do about it?? you’re powerless!” but then Hux is like “no.. you are.” and saps kylo’s fucking powers, and lowers himself gently to the ground, turns on his heel, and walks right the fuck out the cafeteria

((I also like the idea of maybe like kylo kinda roughs hux up a couple of times before hux finally uses his power to take kylos like hux is trying to keep up his “powerless” facade so he let’s kylo win a couple until he’s just had enough))

well now of course kylo doesn’t have his powers and he’s like ??????????????? confused and angry and he doesn’t know what to do and he’s like did he use a device on me?? will this just wear off?? so like he gives it a few days but like idk he can’t complete his classes without his powers and he’s getting weird looks from people when he doesn’t fight back and he’s like WHERE IS THAT GINGER KID IMA FIGHT HIM SO HARD

and like the whole time Hux has kylo’s powers he doesn’t use them like Hux rarely actually uses his powers and just doesn’t see any use in them so no one has noticed anything out of the ordinary going on with him

this is where the story gets fuzzy and I didn’t think it through this far but somehow kylo confronts him and demands he give him his powers back BUT hux (being the manipulative fuck he is) is like “I need you to do this thing for me and i’ll give them back” idk what he needs done but im sure he’d find something and then after that they interact more, learn more about each other, yadda yadda, and I need like a superhero fight (or supervillian let’s be real here) where kylo and hux are on the same team and like their fighting style involves hux randomly sapping kylos power, using it, and giving it right back

also at some point hux needs to have taken someones power and then that person dies so that kylo can watch as hux like falls to his knees and wheezes and is basically just like having a small seizure but he’s like “im ok im ok” but just like having that ripped from him is the worst thing ever (also hux needs to figure out this whole dying rips the powers out of him thing by taking someone’s powers that he wants to like keep forever and being like “I have no more use for you”, killing them, and then realizing his mistake WAY TOO LATE)

of course hux is also a little shit and would take kylo’s powers at random moments like kylo is laying on the couch, reading a book that’s floating above his face, and then suddenly SMACK it falls and hits him right in the face, or like at school if he’s feeling especially mischievous he’ll just sap random kid’s powers right in the middle of them using them just for shits and giggles

uuhhhh yeah that’s all i got please feel free to yell at me about this i have a lot of feelings about these superhero dorks

#kylux #star wars #headcanons #au #sky high #i already yelled these at milarca but i gotta yell them at everyone now #this post is a lot longer than i anticipated #i have a lot of superhero feelings #uuuuggghhh #sky high kylux au

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drashleighreid · 6 years

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Odd numbers yo!

1. How do you define your sexuality?

i sit pretty comfortably w queer and gay because theyre so broad. i feel pretty ok w referring to myself as a lesbian too.

3. At what age did you first come out?

i actually have no idea i feel like i started thinking about it and discussing it with friends at maybe like 17ish?? but it was never a ‘coming out’ per se... the most vivid ‘this feels like a coming out’ moment was probably with my host mom where i was actually anxious abt it and i was probably like 20 but id been pretty intensely open ab being gay w friends n on the internet before that. the concept of ‘coming out’ has never rly sat well with me and ive never felt the need to do it to feel any kind of closure. 5. How out are you? i mean i dont really hide it but i dont talk about it all of the time either. ive never really ‘had the talk’ with my family just because ive never really seriously dated anyone and i dont see the point behind telling them and making a big show about it just for the sake of saying something because i feel like that’s just exacerbating the idea that theres something wrong w not being straight and that there even *needs* to be that coming out moment it just feel unnecessary to me. but im not ashamed of it and i dont hide it.

7. What is your current relationship status?

waiting 4 my chl*e beale tbh 9. Do you have any LGBT relatives?

a cousin i was really close to growing up is gay. 11. How often do you wear flannel?

sometimes lol i used to quite a bit but i havent for a while 13. Do you wear skirts and dresses? If so, how often?

yeah i usually wear skirts and dresses when i go out somewhere. 15. Do you have any tattoos? If so, what of and where?

not yet17. Have you ever been to a gay bar or a gay club?

yes many times lol19. Have you ever had a crush on a straight girl?

?? people have crushes on NOT straight girls?? wild. 21. Is your nose pierced?

it used to be a couple of years ago23. Will you wear a dress for your wedding?

yeah, sure. 25. Have you ever watched The L Word?

ive seen like the first season. i didnt get into it unfortunately. 27. How do you feel when someone uses the word gay to mean stupid, dumb, or boring?

ur so 2000 and late29. Have you ever been to a pride festival?

no ! :( 31. Have you ever participated in the National Day of Silence?

no33. Have you ever worn any men’s clothing?

yeah35. Do you consider yourself a feminist?yeah

37. Are you religious at all?im open to it but not really, no.

39. What is your ideal first date?

coffee. 41. How outdoorsy are you?i like the outdoors, i love hiking and the beach etc but im also high maintenance and need 2 be clean and comfortable after it lol so camping n stuff isnt really my thing.43. How much makeup do you typically wear?i go through phases. im comfortable wearing no make up and dont usually wear much of it in day to day life. sometimes i just do my brows. sometimes i got that full face of poppin highlight and contour whom knows.

45. Are you more feminine or more masculine?

id say more feminine47. Have you and a girlfriend ever been mistaken for sisters?

no lol49. Have you ever wished you were completely straight?there probably were times when i was just realising it and was scared where i did but not in recent years.51. Do you wear any combat boots, Doc Martins, or Timberlands?yes lol all three. ive been living in my docs

53. How athletic are you?

i enjoy exercising55. What is your opinion of septum/bull nose piercings?i think theyre fine. i wouldnt get one but i appreciate them on other people

57. If you are not a lesbian, about what percentage of the time do you find yourself attracted to other females? i dont actually experience attraction very often but when i do its always women and it always kicks me on my ass

59. Have you ever liked or dated a girl with the same name as you?nope

61. Are you a virgin?wow !

63. Have you ever been told that you are too pretty to be gay?

i dont think so65. Have you ever driven an SUV, Jeep, or a pickup truck?no lol i always wanted a jeep tho

67. Agree or disagree: Everyone is at least a little bit gay.hm... its hard to say. i def think attraction is more of a spectrum and some ppl are more closed off to the idea but i dont know other peoples experiences

69. Boobs or butts?

butts71. Do you have a favorite lesbian movie?most lesbian media sucks ass. i actually really enjoyed the movie ‘below her mouth’ tho thats the first one that comes to mind73. From 1-10, how attractive are women who wear glasses?ok i dont like this rating system tbh alsdjlakj it makes me uncomfortable the next few questions all get 10′s because all women are valid and beautiful

75. From 1-10, how attractive are curvy/plus-size women?77. From 1-10, how attractive are masculine butch women?79. From 1-10, how attractive are tall women (i.e. around 6 feet or taller)?81. Has a girl ever dumped you for a guy? Have you?

no83. Do you wear any hats such as snapbacks or beanies?i wear beanies sometimes

85. Would you ever date a trans girl?yes87. Have you ever had a crush on a woman who’s much older than you?L O L. people have crushes on people their own age ?? wild.

89. Do you have any opinions on LGBT people in the military?no different than my opinion of anyone else in the military. no one should be discriminated against because of reasons like this is ridiculous. 91. Have you ever been told that you look gay (i.e. like a lesbian)?one time in highschool this girl told me i seem like a lesbian because i never ‘dress cute’. i wasnt her friend, never saw her outside of school, and we had a uniform and all wore the same thing but true, cool.

93. Is there such a thing as “good” lesbian porn?

its out there but hard to find. 95. How often do you wear a bra?

always bc i am a big titted lass97. If you could live your life all over again, would you still be attracted to other women?

yes its my favorite thing99. What advice would you give a girl who is struggling to figure out her sexuality?honestly probably shit advice but dont stress so much. i know some people are more comfortable with labels and defining it all but i think its far more complex and fluid than that. my understanding of my identity is constantly changing and fluctuating w my life experiences and i learn more nd meet new people every day who open up new doors and help me understand more abt identity and life. honestly its calm just have a good time and try 2 enjoy urself beb do what feels right and comfortable and dont think so much.

thank you for sending these and helping me procrastinate my life ! xx have a nice evenin lovely

#Anonymous

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broke-ass-twat · 7 years

Note

ALLLLLLL THE NUMMBERS

Fuck you.

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you?

When I was younger I sometimes sorta would

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you?

Like a 2 on a bad night

3. The person you would never want to meet?

Um. Hitler? Idk anyone who would straight up wanna kill me is pretty much someone I wouldn’t like to encounter

4. What is your favorite word?

Um. I don't believe I have one. Eh maybe

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be?

This is difficult. A redwood would be cool but I sorta wanna be a Japanese Maple

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought?

I didn’t look in a mirror this morning?

7. What shirt are you wearing?

I’m not wearing one ;)

8. What do you label yourself as?

I don’t really tend to label myself as anything. Perhaps odd

9. Bright room or dark room?

Bright room but with natural sunlight

10. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Talking to my girlfriend I think. If not lazing on a couch

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far?

Like 8 or some shit

12. Who told you they loved you last?

Take a guess

13. Your worst enemy?

Myself

14. What is your current desktop picture?

Typical mountains desktop the comp came with though I have actually changed it twice

15. Do you like someone?

Yah

16. The last song you listened to?

Clip of On Yr Side by Slow Magic

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Oh fuck. Thats hard. Perhaps Mike Pence and just let Trump do dumb shit till he is hopefully thrown out of office.

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

Trump

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do?

A billionaire and all they'd have to do is give me $100 million and then we’d just chill and buy expensive shit (just food and stuff I’m not an ass) until the day is over and then I’d pop a bottle of nice dessert wine (I was thinking champagne but I like dessert wine infinitely more) and thank them for their money and maybe say sorry for sort of stealing it.

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional)

Cheek bones I suppose

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do?

Slim, Moderate bust, above average ass, above average looks bordering on but not quite hot and I would definitely try and bone and I’d try on a bunch of different outfits in stores.

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it?

Um. Probably just folding big pieces of paper into more complicated smaller pieces of paper

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of?

I don’t have anything unique I’m afraid of

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal.

I mean I’d fuck with a nice BLT with mayo and a bit of avocado. Maybe have it on nice toasted garlic bread.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it?

Probably food tbh

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go?

Florence, Italy

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be?

Inniskillin Vidal Icewine 2014

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

Don’t be a fucking dick

29. What is your favorite expletive?

Fuck

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno?

My computer

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

Ummmmmm. Blacking out on Bourbon street is an experience I didn’t exactly enjoy tbh. Nothing else really comes to mind and this one only does cuz it’s relatively recent.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world!

I suppose I’d fuck off to Luxembourg or something (cuz theyre rich)

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back?

My Chinese Grandfather

34. What was your last dream about?

An incredibly odd sort of house party where I almost broke a guy’s thumb cuz he was petting my head without permission.

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]?

????

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital?

Annoyingly enough yes .-.

37. Have you ever built a snowman?

Probably

38. What is the color of your socks?

Not wearing any but theyre mostly black

39. What type of music do you like?

Dude I like a lot of fucking music but mainly electronic

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets?

Sunrise

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor?

Chocolate

42. What football team do you support? (I will answer in terms of American football as well as soccer)

The New York Giants despite the fact that they are admittedly pretty ass

43. Do you have any scars?

I have at least 5 I can think of that are actually major

44. What do you want to be when you graduate?

Be a fucking therapist or psychiatrist

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

My lack of discipline/self control

46. Are you reliable?

Depends on what you ask me to do but as a friend I am very reliable

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?

Are you happy?

48. Do you hold grudges?

Like a motherfucker

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create?

Cuna (Cow/tuna) or like, a Kogle (Komodo dragon/Eagle) or a Pow (Pig/cow). Obviously two of these are for food curiosity purposes

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had?

I’ve definitely had many and I remember none of them

51. Are you a good liar?

Not really

52. How long could you go without talking?

To anyone at all even electronically maybe two days

53. What has been you worst haircut/style?

Bald

54. Have you ever baked your own cake?

I’ve baked at least 7 if I had to guess and definitely actually baked more I think

55. Can you do any accents other than your own?

Not well

56. What do you like on your toast?

Butter

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of?

No bloody clue

58. What would be you dream car?

Teslas are pretty chill tbh

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain.

Sometimes sing in the shower. Don’t do anything else though I do just take really long showers despite actually just taking a shower and not doing anything... extra.

60. Do you believe in aliens?

Not really but sure why not

61. Do you often read your horoscope?

Only if someone tells me to

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet?

A for no reason other than I felt like choosing it right now

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons?

Dragons duh

64. What do you think about babies?

Fat loud meat sacks

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of.

Whelp this obviously wasn't meant for me to answer

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