#why would you need to speak when your narrator does it for you? :-)

[squuote]

had an idea come to mind where stanley used to be able to talk before being in the parable. and the shock to come when any sound from him is blocked off entirely

[axolotluv]

What's with art communities and forgetting people can just do things for fun and not be professional about it??

[myuminji]

Just a comic about two people catching up again [Angel AU]

[ID: A Trigun comic of Wolfwood after his death in Trigun Maximum.

Abbreviated ID: Wolfwood is now an angel with wings and a halo tied to his grave. He cannot be seen or heard by others, but Livio visited his grave and mostly filled him in on the finale, and Wolfwood waits for Vash to show up. When he does, Wolfwood is stunned and worried by his black hair, though he deems Vash fine when he pulls out drinks for them both.

Vash pours the drinks and talks. He confesses that he killed someone and calls himself a coward and the worst, apologizing for being selfish and not saving Wolfwood. Wolfwood angrily shouts that everything was his decision, and Vash is an idiot for blaming himself.

He says that Vash has done so much for Wolfwood and for others, and he calls Vash brave. Vash falls asleep with tears in his eyes, but he seems lighter when he wakes up. Vash leaves, promising to return, and Wolfwood says that he'll "watch him from afar... again." The title is "#1 'What happened to your hair?'". Full ID below readmore in 21 paragraphs.

The comic starts with a dark, noise-filter panel of the Punisher being used as Wolfwood's gravestone, with the quote "Nicholas D. Wolfwood has died" written over it.

Below that is Wolfwood, who has wings and a halo. He sits pensively and narrates, "At least, that's what everyone has come to believe, including me. Yet here I am, still roaming on this damn barren planet... But I wouldn't say I'm quite alive anymore. Since I couldn't feel hunger or thirst like I used to." He thinks, "'Ghost,' like those horror stories was it?"

He narrates over sketchy panels of himself frowning while floating next to his grave and yelling at Livio. "There, are other things I found that fits the term, like how I can't bring myself to far too far from my grave, or how others can't see me at all." We see Livio tearing up and saying "Nico-nii..." while Wolfwood furiously waves his arms and shouts, "I am!! Here!!!!"

Livio is shown speaking with a teary smile while Wolfwood leans against Punisher and listens. Wolfwood says, "Livio is the first and only person I've met so far. And luckily, he was quite a storyteller. I was able to get a grasp of the situation, and its aftermath. And what happened to him in the end."

Livio smiles and says, "It's been three months ever since... But even if we couldn't get ahold of him now, I'm sure he'll come back to you someday." Wolfwood narrates, "—And knowing that idiot, he probably would."

A close-up of Vash's coat in the wind as Wolfwood narrates, "So it didn't come as a surprise to me when he visited my grave. I'd even thought up of things to say when we meet again. Everything was thrown out of the window when he appears, of course. I could vividly remember the one question that burns in my head..."

Wolfwood looks shocked as Vash, hair fully black, waves cheerfully, "Yo! It's been a while, hasn't it? Wolfwood." Below the two floats the question: "#1 'What happened to your hair?'"

Wolfwood sweats, "Spikey, your hair. Doesn't it mean... Are you okay???" Vash smiles sheepishly, "Ah, I hope you're not mad I didn't come sooner, don't haunt me please..." Wolfwood shouts, "That's not the problem right now!!" Vash pulls something out and exclaims, "But look what I got for you!! Alcohol!!!" Wolfwood shouts, "What sort of person do you see me as!?"

Vash excitedly pulls out a bottle and two shot glasses. "It's not the only reason why I'm late, but it did took me a month to hunt this down... I recall you said you wanted to try them, right?" Wolfwood buries his face in his hands and says, "Where the hell are your priorities... You know what, yeah. I'm not gonna ask anymore since you look fine."

Vash smiles a bit tiredly and says, "Hmm,, I'm glad this place hasn't turn to ruins yet~ I've still got lots I need to tell you that's happened out there! And I thought it's better to talk about it with drinks on the side…" He clinks two glasses together. "So, cheers! ..."

He and Wolfwood are both awkwardly silent, and Vash sweats and frowns nervously. Then he pours a glass onto the ground, and Wolfwood furiously shouts, "D'ya really expect me to drink off the ground!? Stupid needle noggin!!!!!"

Vash laughs sheepishly, and he speaks via empty speech bubbles while Wolfwood listens, drinking with a small smile. Vash says, "... And when that happened I..." He drops his gaze and says between long pauses, "I..... When that happened......" Wolfwood watches him seriously as he says, "... Say. Wolfwood, is this how you've felt all the time?"

Vash looks down sadly. "You I see, I... killed someone in the end." He laughs, eyebrows drawn in. "I guess you're right. I am bound to choose someday." He takes another sip, then downs it and falls backwards. "Isn't it funny? That I've called you a coward once for killing... But guess who's the coward now~? It's always been me, isn't it?"

Vash lies on his back and laughs. "... Haha. I wonder if you're laughing too. I really am the worst, aren't I?" Wolfwood looks down as Vash continues, "You've done so much for me, but all I've caused you are troubles. I was selfish, always chasing after my own goals... That you couldn't ask for my help. That I couldn't save you. Just what kind of friend am I?"

Vash scrubs his eyes with an arm and says shakily, "Sorry... Wolfwood... I'm so sorry..." A close-up panel of his mouth shows Wolfwood saying, "... Just so you know--" Expression unimpressed, he exclaims, "There's no way in hell I'm accepting that lousy apology! You drunkard!"

He stands up and seems to kick Vash, who's still on the ground and mostly out of sight. Wolfwood demands, "Why are you even sorry for something like that, huh?? I chose my own path. It was all my decision! How many times do I say it to get it stick in that thick head of yours? Stop. Blaming. Yourself. For the things. You've not done. Idiot! Stupid spikey hair!!"

Vash's face is cut off, but a tear in his eye can be seen as he weakly says, "... oof.. wood..." Wolfwood looks tired and sighs, "... Ha... Don't feel bad about me. Until when will you realise just how much you've done for us? You've done more than enough for me, Needle Noggin."

The perspective zooms out to focus on the sky and two moons, including the fifth moon. Wolfwood's wings and the Punisher can just be seen at the bottom. Wolfwood says, "And you're brave, to go against what you've been taught your whole life. You're not a coward. You faced them until the end. So don't sell yourself short like that next time, okay?" We see Vash's face, smiling with tears in his closed eyes. Wolfwood concludes: "I'll get mad."

Wolfwood narrates, "—He passed out right after for the whole night on the cold ground. I realised how little I could help in the situation." He tries to drape his coat over Vash, sweating, and wonders, "Wouldn't it just pass through ...?"

Time passes, and Vash gets up with a sneeze and rubs his eyes. Wolfwood watches him with his eyebrows raised, and Vash laughs quietly and a bit nervously. Wolfwood narrates, "As if he'd heard my voice, a burden seems to be lifted off his shoulder when he woke up. That, or maybe he'd forgotten what happened last night. He was quick to take his leave right after.

"And so, Vash the Stampede went on a journey with a promise." Vash waves goodbye, turning to leave with his bag in hand. "I'll be sure to bring back more stuff next time!! See you later!" Wolfwood concludes, "While I watch him from afar... again." Wolfwood sits below the Punisher and waves back, saying with bemusement, "Has he never heard the phrase 'do not disturb the death?' He really throws me off..." The title is named, and it says "/ END." End ID]

[link to Image ID reblog post!]

[kausstar]

LET LOOSE

tyler durden x reader￨sfw content￨wc: 1.1k

tyler didn’t take most things seriously, he would always grin from ear to ear when nothing was funny but he took things that came down to you a bit serious.

tags no description of reader besides you being good at pool and having ass! swearing. the narrator is referred to as “jack” because that’s what he calls himself in the movie. the plot is different from the movie. bleeding. fighting. violence. not proofread (it never is lol).

𝓴aus. i rewatched the movie and probably liked over 100 edits on tiktok about this movie so i could write this. i am too underrated for this.

just like every saturday, you, tyler and the brown haired, 30-year-old who couldn’t stop bitching about this “marla” chick, sat in a booth together at your favorite bar. jack on one side while you and tyler sat on the other— you probably resting your legs on his as you listened to jack’s rants.

“almost killed herself last week, fucking drug addiction,” jack says before taking a couple sips of beer, bags under his eyes practically becoming a usual thing to see. “she called you first?” you ask, feeling tyler stretch an arm over your shoulders. “yeah. she always does,” he groans as tyler mindlessly looks down at his watch on his right arm, then looks up at the two of you. “see?” he points at him, making the two of you look his way. “that right there is why you have that problem: she’s relying on you- draining you from the inside-out,” tyler says, gesturing up and down towards jack as he leaned over the table slightly.

“let loose,” tyler said, sitting all the way back in his sit. only the three of you knew what it meant because you promised you wouldn’t speak directly about it out in public. fight club was for people who needed that relief from the week days filled with government controlled jobs, contracts and systems. there is no need for crying and bitching when you were getting punched in the face, tyler believed. jack never understood how the two of you enjoyed watching people bleed from their mouths but tyler knew he would like it all the same, he just needed a little push.

“speaking of “letting loose” how much time do we have left?” you spoke, breaking the silence. tyler looks down at his watch again then looks over to you. “20 minutes.” 20 minutes until the basement of your favorite bar was filled with men who’s fists were itchy to crash into someone’s face. “well, i’m gonna go play pool,” you mumble out quickly before removing your legs from tyler’s, allowing him to get out of the booth so you can stand. once you’re out, he slides himself back into the empty seat.

you look over to jack and give him a provoking look he’s seen time and time again. “think about it,” you lightly smile. 10 minutes after you had left, jack had already started to ramble off again, talking about nonsense that could easily be fixed and that was in his complete control: that’s why tyler didn’t listen. “are you even listening?” jack groans. his groans made the blonde give him a short glance, just for him to look back the way he’d been looking for the past 10 minutes.

“no, and i haven’t for a while so once you’re done wallowing in self-pity…” tyler gives him another short glance but with a grin this time. “you can feast your eyes on something worth living for,” he finished, nudging his head in the direction behind his friend towards to the pool tables. now knowing tyler’s definition of “something worth living for”, he hopes he doesn’t see anything that’ll scar him for life, and fortunately, he doesn’t. it’s just you playing pool with two guys that are giving you the googly eyes of a lifetime. he’s confused so he looks over to tyler but only finds his friend grinning at you. jack looks back over to you, trying to find what was so special.

you stood in the farthest corner of the pool table from the two of them as you watched one of the them hit the white ball. once the loud noise of the balls hitting each other and two going into the holes cleared, the man stands from his leaning position and looks over at you, proudly. you only give him a grin, clearly not too impressed. you say nothing before taking a couple steps over.

the men playing only gave each other a grin (one that you didn’t catch) before looking back over at you who was leaning on the table, ribs touching the rim. tyler could see you perfectly from where he was sitting, arm up on the booth seat behind him, grin cut into his face, and eyes burning holes into the curve of your ass and that pretty face. he made sure to keep an eye an on the guys you were playing with who stood a bit too close to you for his liking but he let it slip his mind, allowing himself to focus on you.

once you lined up your stick, you took the shoot and watch as the 8 ball fell right where you wanted it. you smiled but quickly stopped when you feel a hand slide down the curve of your back to the top of your ass. you’re quick to stand from your leaning position. “what the fuck!?” tyler quickly stands from the booth and walks up from behind you. the guy removes his hand from you and take a couple steps back after spotting him, but tyler is quick to stand in front of you and throw a punch to the guys face.

you could practically hear his nose break under the impact. “what’s your fucking problem?” the guy swears, sharing a glance between tyler and his bloody fingers as he touched his bleeding nose. “we were playing pool,” he growled, finally covering his nose with his hand. “what? you think i didn’t see you getting a feel, dick face?” tyler asks, tilting his head to the side slightly with a grin. the guy says nothing making tyler grab him by his shirt and punch him a couple more time.

the guy was starting to go slightly limp in his grasp as he continued to throw punches. “take that shit downstairs, man!” irvine yells walking through the crowd that had gathered to watch—that you hadn’t seem to notice until then. tyler notices the voice and stops. before he lets him go though, he takes a good look the guy, face bloody, eye black and swollen, and cheeks bruised then turns his ear to you.

“you think that’s enough, baby?” he grins, his slightly leaning position giving you a clear view of the guys face. “perfect,” you grin, and tyler smile even harder. he then loses his grip on the guys shirt and tosses him slightly. him almost falling over as a result but before he can tyler whispers, “i got ya,” to himself before, locking hands with the guy and helps him gain his balance. with no intentions of letting his hand go, tyler gives the crowd a look before turning his attention back to the man and leaning in to whisper. “next time, i’ll make sure it’s both eyes,” he whispers, before pulling back with a grin and a wink.

tyler grabs the guy’s wallet from his pocket picks a couple buck from it, before folding the bucks in half between his fingers and waves it in his face. “payment… you know, for my worries,” he grins before passing it back to you and you take it proudly. he slips the wallet back into his pocket and gives him one last look before punching him dead in his face again, but this time he hits the floor, hard. before irvine could yell out, tyler puts his hands up with a grin. “my hands slipped. sorry.”

irvine only gives the both of you a hard glare as you and him walk around the pool table. tyler checks his watch as he walks, smile beaming. “showtime,” he whispers to himself. “you’re a pain in my ass,” irvine groans as the two of you walk pass him to get to the basement. “love you too,” tyler grins before patting him on his chest. “come on, jack.” you gestured for your friend who stood smiling like most people in the crowd.

 2023 kausstar.

[savoytrufflephd]

The questions of Laurent’s being and behavior…

I have been informed, via @thickenmyblood’s asks (since mine were apparently not set to accept anonymous asks – which I have now changed) that my opinion about HIUH Laurent’s character is incorrect. I have been informed that he’s abusive.

My PhD isn’t in English (though it is in the humanities), but my wife was an English major and she has often told me that interpretations aren’t right or wrong, but they are stronger or weaker in the sense that they are supported by the text.

So, let’s go…

First things first. Let me be clear about the following:

The question of whether or not Laurent is abusive in this piece of fanfiction has no bearing whatsoever on whether any person you know in real life is abusive.

Similarly, any arguments that Laurent can change or that Laurent deserves a second chance have no bearing whatsoever on whether any person you know in real life can change or deserves a second chance.

Neither HIUH nor any fic should be taken as a life advice manual. Just because there are therapists in this fic does not mean that @thickenmyblood is a mental health professional or your therapist.

I am also not a therapist, nor am I trying to give you life advice when I speak of my enjoyment of HIUH.

But if I were to give you life advice, it would be this: If a piece of fanfiction makes you so angry that you feel the need to send abusive anonymous comments to the author and/or ask that author to pass on your comment “correcting” the opinion of a reader writing about that story, you should probably stop reading that fic. It is clearly not good for you. Metaphorically speaking, you are in an abusive relationship with that fic and you should end it. Write the story off and move on.

Okay, that said, the question of whether Laurent is abusive in HIUH is probably more of a series of questions:

Has HIUH Laurent engaged in abusive behaviors?

If so, do those abusive behaviors necessarily indicate that he is and will always be an abuser?

If not, what evidence do we have that HIUH Laurent can and will stop engaging in abusive behaviors?

If HIUH Laurent stops engaging in abusive behaviors, what reasons, if any, does HIUH Damen have to return to the relationship despite past abuse?

BONUS:

A. Is an HIUH Laurent who harms Damen through abusive behavior mischaracterized relative to the canon source material?

B. Is an HIUH Damen who chooses to be with Laurent despite past abuse mischaracterized relative to the canon source material?

1. Has Laurent engaged in abusive behaviors?

Yes. Although we are limited by a potentially unreliable narrator (Damen), who does not believe Laurent is abusive, we are clearly and intentionally both told and shown in the text that Laurent has engaged in abusive behavior. We are told when Neo explains as much to a skeptical Damen:

“Then you must know I’m only trying to get a feeling on how educated you are on the subject of abuse between romantic partners.” “But why ? I just told you Laurent and I never—” “Do you know what emotional abuse looks like, Damen?” “Yes.” “Give me a definition.” It’s hot in the room, all of the sudden. “It’s… making someone. Feel bad.” “It’s consistent and repeated humiliation,” Neo says. “Gaslighting. Manipulation. Verbal abuse can sometimes overlap with this. Have you ever experienced this while in your relationship with Laurent?” “We weren’t abusive.” “Did you insult each other?” “No,” Damen says. It was so long ago, it was a lifetime back. He can’t remember. “It’s—not like that. Humiliation? We never—” “You’ve said that sometimes Laurent made you feel as though the things you were feeling were inadequate.” You’re being a fucking idiot, Laurent had said about the pink sweatshirt. “What if he was right?”  “It’s never right to invalidate your partner’s feelings.” “We weren’t abusive.” “Damen,” Neo says, the soft caress before a blow. “What if we think about it from—” “There’s nothing to think about. I’m telling you, it wasn’t like that. How the fuck did you get to that conclusion? Because I complained about us arguing?” Neo ruffles his notes. “Contempt. Shame. Hurt. That’s what abusers thrive on. There’s quite a lot of those things in here.” “Laurent’s not an abuser,” Damen snaps. “Maybe not, but he grew up with one, didn’t he? These are learned traits.” Damen folds forward as though to vomit. That’s—He’s made a mistake. They argued, they yelled, they said things they didn’t mean, but they never hit each other or threw cutlery at each other’s heads. They went to bed angry, and Damen slept on the couch, and there would be rolling eyes and huffs and annoyance in the following days, but that’s not—Laurent is not— You’re sweet, Damen had said, hand to Laurent’s cheek. A sweetheart. He remembers meaning it, remembers Laurent not liking it. He also remembers Laurent’s sweetness, scarcer in the end and cloying in the beginning. Breakfast in bed, letting Damen pick what show to watch, giving up half his trail mix bag because he knew Damen liked the dried fruit pieces most. You’ll do great, you always do great. A protein shake prepped and ready to go, peace and quiet the nights before important court days. But also bigger things, biggest things. There was—and sharing a bed, and curling up under Damen to read, and letting Damen carry Nicaise up the stairs, and holding his hand under the table as firm functions, and kissing just to kiss, just because, just— He’s explained Laurent wrong.

And we are shown in the moments when Damen and Laurent talk and Damen expects a belittling response from Laurent:

“There are,” Laurent starts, stops. Starts again, “I didn’t.” He has both elbows on the table, which he used to despise. Tables are for cutlery and food, not limbs. Something about the way he rubs at the skin under his eyes makes Damen’s stomach cower as if expecting a blow. “Agnes recommended it months before you—came back. It wasn’t my idea.”

“I met him?” For once, Laurent doesn’t mock him for his question. “It was at that school play I couldn’t go to. The one Nicaise got that huge part in.”

“I want to know when the twenty-four hours are up,” Damen says, loudly, too loudly, “so we can go to the police station and report him missing. For fuck’s sake, Laurent, will you stop ? He could be seriously hurt, and you’re sitting here, berating me about the way I phrased a question. Do you even give a shit about him? Do you even—” He cuts himself off when he sees Laurent’s expression. Like he did last time with Nicaise, Damen braces himself for what’s to come, goes over the list of things Laurent can hurl at him, tries to minimize the inevitable damage. The comment will be about Nikandros, about his soft childhood in Ios, about the time he tried to discipline Nicaise by himself and ended up covered in vomit.   Nothing happens. There’s only Laurent, turning his face to the side so Damen can’t stare at it any longer. In the silence of the car, Laurent’s breathing shakes.

“Is his name really Dog?” Laurent says, sitting down next to Damen. Between them, the two cups of coffee and the small pile of croissants both steam. “I didn’t believe Nicaise when he told me.” “I,” Damen starts, lie ready on his tongue, and stops. It’s very meta. “I’m not good with names.” Laurent picks up his coffee instead of agreeing with Damen. Instead of mocking. The space between their bodies is comfortable enough—they’re not touching, not even their knees or thighs. They’re not looking at each other either, not with the entire park stretching green and busy in front of them.

2. If so, do those abusive behaviors necessarily indicate that he is and will always be an abuser?

I take this to be one of the major points of contention on the part of the angry readers. As you can probably guess, I don’t think the text suggests that Laurent in inherently abusive. Besides the stuff coming in my answer to question 3, we have several reasons to believe that Laurent’s abusive behavior is the product of particular circumstances rather than a generalized personality dysfunction.

We know, and Neo just reminded us above, that abusive behaviors are learned behaviors. We know Laurent was abused in multiple ways before he was able to leave his uncle’s house. We know that he is still very young and that it has not been that long since his uncle’s trial. We know he has not been comfortable talking to Damen about his abuse, which gives us reason to believe he still experiences a great deal of shame. That shame is hinted at here:

“He respects you,” Laurent says before Damen has made up his mind about the yelling. “He looks at you and sees a standard to meet. Normalcy. It’s hard to disappoint people you respect. Especially people like you.” “Like me.” “You do things your way. Everyone else does them wrong.” “That’s,” Damen starts. The absolute inaccuracy of the phrase leaves him hanging. “What the fuck?” Laurent ignores him. “He doesn’t respect me, and he also knows I have no room to judge. It’s different. We’re—it’s just different.”

We also know that Laurent is specifically and intentionally not abusive toward Nicaise. We have seen that he has been absorbing a ton of anger, vilification, derision, denigration from Nicaise almost entirely without complaint and without lashing out at Nicaise in return. In fact, after the breaking of the paperweight, when Laurent feels that he might not be able to avoid reacting in a way he will regret, he calls Damen to safely remove Nicaise from the situation. Having taken the lock off Nicaise’s door for reasons many parents would no doubt consider justified, he realizes it was a mistake:

Damen doesn’t look down at the twisted little bolts on the floor. “Actually, you should watch this part in case you ever want to dismantle it again.” “I won’t.” Damen rubs his sleeve over a weird spot on the knob. “You’re betting a lot on Nicaise’s hypothetical good behavior.” “It was dumb, taking the lock away as punishment. I…” Laurent’s thumb glides over the edge of the glass. It traces a full circle before stopping and going white, digging in. His jaw twitches like he’s munching on something. “Privacy shouldn’t be a reward.” “Wasn’t this about safety? He locked himself in, wouldn’t come out or reply when you called…” Laurent’s reply is slow to come. After a while, Damen stops expecting it to come at all. He goes back to testing the lock—twice, waiting for that click sound—opens the door, closes it, and rattles the knob a bit. Just to be sure. “My uncle made it about safety too,” Laurent says. “Locks on doors were for adults. Not children.” The lonely ice cube in his glass floats around aimlessly, not quite touching its confines. “The first to go were the bedroom locks. What if there’s a fire and you can’t get out? What if someone breaks in through the window and—well.” Laurent smiles, small and ugly. “That kind of thing. You know.”

He ensures that Nicaise sees a therapist, meets with that therapist regularly, and follows professional advice about putting Nicaise on medication.

Laurent also maintains a strong friendship with Ancel, whose judgment the text has taught us to trust, through Damen’s evolving relationship with him. Laurent is capable of non-abusive, non-superficial relationships.

3. If not, what evidence do we have that HIUH Laurent can and will stop engaging in abusive behaviors?

From the moment we see Laurent interact with Damen in the present of this story, he is trying to treat Damen better. Not because he thinks he can get back together with Damen, but because he realizes he needs to make a relationship with Damen possible for Nicaise. We have already seen above that most of the time when Damen expects Laurent’s ridicule in this story, he does not actually receive it. In very stressful conversations, when Laurent does lash out, he now tends to pull back or even to acknowledge and apologize:

Coffee. Damen takes two long sips, trying to rinse the bad taste out of his mouth. They’ve had arguments in public before, probably louder than this one. For some reason, the thought isn’t as comforting as Damen would have once found it. They broke up to be better than they were together, didn’t they? They should be better. Except this doesn’t feel better. Or different. Laurent says, “That was out of line.” Now, cooled off, Damen feels clammy. Wobbly. He knows Laurent is right, and yet the thought of sitting through a reprimand makes him want to melt away. “It was.” “I—apologize.” Damen looks up from his coffee to Laurent’s profile. He’s facing the wrong way, Damen thinks stupidly, because the window is to their left. “You apologize.” Half a question. “Go ahead,” Laurent says. “Rub it in.” Damen doesn’t want to. Nausea is curling around him, closing in. “I was out of line too, so.”

And we know now that Laurent has thought through some of his past behaviors toward Damen:

“I was angry at you,” Laurent says, “all the time. Sometimes it was justified, but when it wasn’t I just—I found ways to justify it. That wasn’t fair. Of me.” Damen’s palm is numb around the glass. “Why were you angry?” “Nicaise.” “Justified,” Damen says. “And the rest of it?” Laurent is facing him again. “Paschal says I have a tendency to expect the worst from everyone. Especially you. You’d make comments, and I’d think you were being cruel instead of…” “Instead of what? Ignorant?” Laurent doesn’t reply. “That makes no sense,” Damen says. “We never argued about me being fucking sadistic. We argued about you acting like some things were obvious and I was simply too much of an idiot to get them.” “I never thought you were an idiot.” “You said it often enough.” “I’m—sorry,” Laurent says. “It doesn’t change anything, but—even if you had been the biggest idiot in the world, you didn’t deserve…” A blinking spree follows. “I’m sorry.”

We know that Laurent is still in therapy, and we know that he has been talking about his relationship with Damen there because Paschal has suggested couples counseling for them. And Laurent has invited Damen to do that couples counseling, showing that he wants them to build a better foundation for their relationship  going forward.

4. If HIUH Laurent stops engaging in abusive behaviors, what reasons, if any, does HIUH Damen have to return to the relationship despite past abuse?

Damen is deeply in love with Laurent. At the beginning of the story, he is in denial about this fact, but the uncontrollable flow of his thoughts still shows us how much he feels the loss of their relationship. Once he and Laurent are speaking again, seeing improvements in their communication, and experiencing moments of comfort and fun in their interactions – and once Laurent has broken up with Maxime – Damen admits to himself that he wants to be back together. Neo, as usual, prompts the self-recognition:

“I’m asking you to think about what life might look like in two years,” Neo says, “for you and Laurent. Time does not only pass for you, Damen.” A smile, crinkling the corners of Neo’s eyes. “That’d be ideal, wouldn’t it?”  Two years. Damen sits with the question for a while, looking at it, prodding it. In two years, Nicaise will have gone away to college. Maybe Laurent will move, relocate, start over somewhere closer to Vask. He’ll post about his new life on Instagram, or details of it will make it to Damen as second-hand gossip. They could still be friends, over text or the phone or fucking letters, Damen thinks, yet there’s something bitter in the back of his throat, filling up his mouth like vomit. Maybe Laurent will date again. Probably. Most likely. And Damen— When he looks up from the armrest, Neo is looking straight back.  Damen can’t say it. Earlier today, as he typed his last email of the day at the office, he kept drafting a plan for today’s session. He’d explain his argument with Laurent, then the party at Ancel’s, then the way he keeps looking at Laurent in all the wrong lights, in all the wrong ways, and still finds himself wanting to kiss him. Neo would make a disapproving face, maybe, but it would be easy to brush off; anyone that doesn’t know Laurent would find it hard to understand how easy it is to want to kiss him. Except that isn’t all Damen wants. What Damen wants isn’t a settling of the score, a cleaning of the slate. He doesn’t want to do it once for old times’ sake, or twice out of gluttony. He doesn’t want to make any long-distance phone calls, write any letters, see any pictures on Instagram of Laurent and someone that isn’t him. He doesn’t want things to stay like this, in this careful antiseptic stage. He doesn’t want them to be friends. “It’s not what I want,” Damen says, at last. Neo leans back into his chair. He rolls his wrist once. “You think it’s what I should want, right? Letting go and all.” “I wouldn’t say that,” Neo says. “Should and shouldn’t are very loaded words. It also doesn’t matter what I think you should or shouldn’t do, in general. What is it that you want, since we’ve already established what it is that you don’t?” Don’t make me say it out loud. “I want,” Damen starts, and stops. The words look so stupid, jumbled inside his head. I want him back, like Laurent is a toy someone took away and won’t return. Like Damen is a child, begging. Don’t make me say it.   Seconds trickle by, piling into a minute. Then two. “Do you want to be in a relationship with Laurent again?” “I thought I already was,” Damen says. “A friendship is a kind of relationship. You said that.” Neo closes his eyes, keeps them like that for a while. “I did, yes. Let me rephrase that—do you want to be in a romantic relationship with Laurent? Again?” There is no loophole this time, no two-meaning word Damen can latch onto. The truth sits heavy in him, not on his chest but somewhere deeper, inside a little crevice between some (probably important) organs. Saying no would be lying, saying yes would be diminishing.  “I want things to be good,” Damen says. “That’s all.”

And in chapter 19, Damen is brutally honest with himself about how, even after everything, he still wants Laurent:

“You meet new people,” Neo says. “You go on dates, make new friends, find new interests. Despite what you might think right now, Laurent isn’t your only option. Dare I say, Laurent might not even be your best option.” The room is dark, darker than it was when the phone call started, but Damen’s eyes hurt like he’s been staring at a ball of light for too long. Everything hurts in a strange, modest way. A throb here, faint. An ache there, heatless.  “I don’t want other options,” Damen says. “Well.” “How fucked up is that?” “Pretty fucked up,” Neo says. It makes Damen stop blinking. “Luckily, you’re already doing therapy. It’s only bound to get less complicated from here on. Or more, depending on how you look at it.” “I don’t even wanna look at it, to be honest.” “Then don’t. Take time off, let things cool down, think about what’s been said… No one is asking you to choose right this second.” It’s not that anyone is asking. It’s that it feels like he’s already made his choice. 

“You didn’t tell me,” Damen says before he can think not to. “Tell you what?” “How bad it was.” Laurent’s thumb traces the t in team. It’s a bit crooked, even from Damen’s perspective. “It was pretty bad,” he says, slowly, “before you came back. Things were better once he started seeing you again.” “You call that better?” “Yes,” Laurent says.  I would have come back, Damen thinks, if you’d told me. Except it’s not true; he would have come back for much less. He’s here now, sitting across from Laurent in this mediocre coffee shop, talking things out, making an effort, thinking of reaching out to finally, finally, hold Laurent’s hand.  It’s strange, looking at Laurent and knowing he’s the only other person on earth that feels the same way he does. Where else would Damen go? Who else would he talk to? No one will ever get it, not the way Laurent does. And Laurent knows it. He must, or else he would not be sitting here either. There is only this, Damen thinks. At least for him, there will only ever be this.

So there is that. Damen is hopelessly devoted to Laurent. But that doesn’t make getting back together with him a good decision. Love would not be a good reason to return to an abusive relationship.

Another NOT good reason would be Damen believing the fact that he made mistakes cancels out Laurent’s harmful behavior. The text makes that explicitly clear through Neo:

Neo’s pen hops; a period appears at the end of a sentence. “Apologies can be hard to navigate. It’s sort of like… You’ve wronged me, and you know that you’ve wronged me, and now you’re apologizing for it while expecting me to forgive you. It’s quite a lot to put on a person.” “There are degrees to wrong,” Damen says. His chair feels smaller, like it’s locking him in instead of holding him up. The armrests keep getting in the way of his elbows. “And it’s not like I didn’t have stuff I had to apologize for too. I don’t get why you’re trying to make this seem like a bad thing.” “I’m not.” “Then why—” “Do you think you deserved an apology from Laurent?” Damen leans back and back and back, until his shoulder blades find something solid. Did he deserve…? He’d wanted one, once. In Nikandros’s guest room, with only beige and white and terracotta everything around him, he’d had staring matches with his own phone. He’d thought Laurent might call, at the very beginning. Apologizing. Begging. But Laurent never did. “Yeah,” Damen says.  Neo’s head begins to tilt. “You don’t sound too sure about that.” “I am sure.” “All right,” Neo says. “Why do you deserve an apology?” “I told you already. He treated me like I was an idiot.” “How?” “How—what?” “How exactly did he treat you like you were an idiot? What were his actions towards you?” “I,” Damen starts, but something in Neo’s face makes him pause. “He’d say things when we argued.” “Such as?” “That I was an asshole.” Neo nods. “And how did you feel when you heard him say that? Did you feel like it was fair?” “I felt like he was an asshole,” Damen says. “Sometimes.” “Whereas now you feel like he was right?” He was right about Nicaise. And maybe about Ancel, too. “I don’t know what you want me to say.” “I don’t want you to say anything,” Neo says. “I’m just trying to get you to think about things from a different perspective. Laurent apologized, which is an important—not to say crucial—step in rebuilding any kind of relationship. But it seems to me that you’re holding onto this newly found belief that because you acted a certain way, because you made mistakes, you somehow deserved the way he treated you throughout the last stages of your relationship.” “That’s not what I think,” Damen says.  “All right. Then you think you deserved the apology because the way he treated you was wrong.” “Yes. But…” “But…?” Damen’s face feels hot, the heat lodged right over his molars. “Doesn’t it kind of cancel out? Like, we both fucked up.” “Those are two different issues,” Neo says. “So no, they don’t cancel out. What he did to you and what you did to him are obviously connected, but someone doing something wrong or bad is not an excuse to do the wrong or bad thing back to them.” Neo gives his pen a tap. “Or it does, I suppose. It depends on your belief system. But you don’t strike me as an ‘eye for an eye’ fan.” I don’t want any eyes, Damen thinks. 

I interpret the failed second try (or second strike) of Damen and Laurent’s relationship to have been somewhat based on the “cancel out” reasoning from above. The “cancel out” and move past approach  did not work because they failed to address the many insecurities, communication failures, and problematic patterns that plagued the first time around. A discussion with Neo (again) makes this clear. Damen hasn’t yet learned to listen to what Laurent is saying without letting his insecurities and anger get in the way:

But Damen isn’t in Laurent’s position. You’ll never get it, Laurent had said about Nicaise. Maybe it’s true. “I get why he did it. I’ve been thinking, and it’s not—I get it. Nicaise being embarrassed, wanting Laurent in the room because he was the least angry of—” “I don’t think that’s why,” Neo says. “Or at least, that’s not what you’ve just told me Laurent said about the whole thing.” “What?” “Laurent talked extensively about roles. Did you notice that?” “No.” “He presents himself as the scapegoat for Nicaise’s anger, while you’re the one Nicaise admires and wants to impress.” Tap, tap, tap. Damen imagines Neo’s fingers flying across the keyboard. “It seems to me Nicaise wasn’t concerned about the different intensity levels of your—as in, yours and Laurent’s—anger. He knew you were both angry.” “Laurent was better at handling it.” “Was he?” “I couldn’t stop thinking about the guy,” Damen says. Guys, his brain supplies, helpful as ever. “I still can’t. Even now, I know it’s not—that’s not important. I was yelling at Nicaise. I wasn’t listening.” “And that’s why Nicaise didn’t want you to go with him to the clinic?” Damen closes his eyes. He needs to repaint his ceiling, do something about the lack of texture there.  “Laurent said something about abandonment,” Neo tries. A nudge. “You’ve mentioned Nicaise doesn’t do well with change, that he’s got a tendency to latch onto routines and people. Do you think it might be possible that he was trying to preserve the relationship he has with you?” “By keeping me out of a medical examination room.” “Yes.” “That’s what Laurent said.” “Well,” Neo says. “It sounds plausible.”

Damen wanted magically for them to be over their past:

“Right,” Damen says. “You don’t do should and shouldn’t. I forgot.” “Are you upset?” Are you angry with me? “I don’t know,” Damen says. “We were supposed to be past this, and now it’s out there and I can’t—we can’t—” “How were you supposed to be past this, if this had never been discussed before today?” “You said it’s impossible to discuss everything.”

So, I don’t think it’s a strong interpretation of the text to say that @thickenmyblood is trying to present Damen in an unfairly negative light in order to excuse Laurent’s much worse behavior and thereby make it okay for them to get back together. Cancelling out isn’t what the HEA of the story is set up to be about.

That said – and given the fact that Damen is still in love with Laurent – what GOOD reasons might Damen have to try the relationship again?

For one, he is beginning to understand better what the fights with Laurent about Nicaise were about. Moreover, they have now explicitly acknowledged that they are co-parenting Nicaise and Laurent has expressed a clear commitment to them parenting Nicaise as a team.

For another, Damen has a much improved understanding of the role of therapy and the complexities of mental health. He has a long ways to go on this front, but I don’t think we’ll see him dismissing or belittling Laurent’s mental health needs. Moreover, Damen has ways of addressing his own mental health needs and talking things through with a person who doesn’t share his triggers and emotional investments around Laurent.

For a third, he has made a commitment to working through their issues in therapy and has concluded that he trusts Laurent to try just as hard as he will to repair and strengthen their relationship.

Crucially, Damen has also learned to stand up for himself when he feels Laurent is implying that he is incapable of understanding things. This means he can point it out and Laurent can recognize when he is retreating into a defensive, harmful pattern. This also allows Damen to indicate that something isn’t obvious to him and to ask Laurent to explain it kindly and clearly. I think that is the only way they can reconcile their very different life histories and relationships to social normativity.

ONCE AGAIN, believing this about HIUH Damen relative to HIUH Laurent does not mean that I believe this is something all (or even very many) real life people who were previously in unhealthy relationships should aim for or could achieve.  

Which brings us to our bonus questions:

A. Is an HIUH Laurent who harms Damen through abusive behavior mischaracterized relative to the canon source material?

No, in fact, this is not a mischaracterization. Laurent abused Damen in canon. He took him as a slave. He sought Damen’s public humiliation. He had Damen whipped to an extent that would have killed most other people. He placed Damen in a situation that (for almost any other person) would have resulted in a violent public rape. He also forced Damen to engage in public and non-consensual oral sex. Later, when he understood Damen more emotionally and was feeling insecure or threatened, he lied about his feelings and motivations out of shame and self-hatred and with the aim of hurting Damen enough to drive him away.

B. Is an HIUH Damen who chooses to be with Laurent despite past abuse mischaracterized relative to the canon source material?

Damen fell in love with Laurent after all that abuse because he came to understand its source and because he saw other sides of Laurent that were caring and honorable and expressed a commitment to achieving justice, even if not by fully honest means. He came to understand Laurent as a survivor, even before he became aware of what exactly Laurent had survived. He stuck with Laurent through all of Laurent’s attempts to push him away and fought for what should have been an impossible relationship. And throughout this process, he learned about his own naivete and to question key elements of his upbringing, like the quest for war glory and the belief that “perfect treatment” justified slavery.

Captive Prince is a seductive and enthralling trilogy. And we willingly suspend any disbelief about whether Laurent’s trauma can truly be overcome simply by Damen’s noble nature and magical healing cock.

Why not do the same for HIUH? (Or, you know, just stop reading it.)

Although I do think Maca may owe us some healing cock. Just sayin’.

[oloreandil]

as a chronically ill person with asthenia and particular ways of speaking, i've always felt uncomfortable with how Frodo is treated as a weakling and a wimp by so many lotr fans. not only does it ignore how insanely heavy the weight of his burden is (regardless of how constantly the narrative and characters repeat it in like. extremely plain terms), but it often leads to ableist comments of "well other characters were in pain too and they dealt with it better, AND without whining all the time :/"

however, listening to the audiobook, i'm only now realising why i don't like the treatment of Sam's deference to Frodo and their interactions during their quest. yes, you can absolutely do a class analysis of their relationship (Frodo is his "master" in the aristocratic sense of the term, and the narrative treats is as a quality that he "knows his place" - subservience). yes, Frodo sometimes lashes out at Sam unjustly (which is treated as bad by the narrative, again very plainly)

but, and i cannot stress this enough, having a Sam by your side as a disabled person on any kind of adventure is literally the only way to stay alive. Sam notices his health fluctuations, is on the lookout for ring-symptoms that Frodo may not even have noticed yet, makes sure that Frodo has the accommodation he needs to be in as little pain as possible as they live through the great evils of their time... Frodo relies heavily on Sam's support. like any disabled person on a year-long march would need to. especially when your condition keeps worsening

it feels so incredibly loving and revolutionary that, in Rivendell, when he sees Frodo awake for the first time since Elrond healed him of the Morgul blade, Sam takes Frodo's left hand in his and shyly says he's glad it's warm again. i don't think Frodo knew how cold it'd gone, or thought anyone else had noticed, and indeed the narration moves on quickly. but those moments are constant and deeply touching. it's hard to articulate just how accurate Frodo's journey is to my own disabled journey, and how profound it is that Sam's care is foundational to saving the world

[metatronhateblog]

Duck Duck what the Fuck pt. 2, Featuring Not to Be a Bearer of News

Okay in my previous post [link here] we talked about the appearance of ducks and ducks with accordions in the opening sequence. Now I didn't really have too much to say except fucking weird, right? But now I'm going to start digging around in this a bit more.

Welcome back to what is the big deal with ducks.

To start off, ducks are verbally mentioned in this show... 4 times. (I'm pretty sure it's 4 but it's highly possible I'm missing something.)

Our first case is in Season 1 episode 1. At approximately 26:45 we see a transition to the park where Crowley and Aziraphale are having a meeting. The quote here is stated by none other than our narrator God. She states...

"Everyone knows the best place for a clandestine meeting in London is and always has been Saint James' Park. They say the ducks are so used to being fed by secret agents that they've developed Pavlovian reactions to them. The Russian cultural attaché's black bread is particularly sought after by the more discerning duck. Crowley and Aziraphale have been meeting here for quite some time."

This quote has always been...a little sus to me. Now if you aren't entirely sure what Pavlovian effect is, I direct you to a situation that you quite possibly experience yourself. Have you ever heard the sound of an alarm clock, or the sound you set your own alarm clock as playing outside of a setting that isn't meant to wake you up? Have you had this knee jerk reaction where you feel yourself tense and need the sound to stop and maybe even feel a little bit more awake because of it? No? If not you are beyond lucky.

A Pavlovian reaction is a conditioned response to something, in my known knowledge I think it's generally accompanied by a sound (apologies for explaining this so poorly, if anyone wants to hop in the comments and explain better I will love you so much.) For example, some farmers ring a bell or something to let their cows know it's time to eat. The cows then associate that noise with food and will probably expect to be fed upon any point of hearing that bell.

So in this case...ducks hear the whisperings of secret agents and know that it means they get fed. The more recognizable the noise, the better the bread. Hence the line that the more discerning ducks go towards the Russian cultural attaché. Kinda fascinating right? And also a weird way to describe the ducks...

Moving on the second time ducks are mentioned is by Crowley in season 1 episode 2. He makes a comment in regards to suspicions about him saying something along the lines of suspicions slide off him 'like water slides off of....what does water slide off of?" And then later on at some random point (pretty sure it's in the same episode) yells 'DUCKS! That's what water slides off of.' (I'm paraphrasing here because this isn't a quote I needed to look up cause I knew it in my soul.)

Now the phrase 'Like water slides off a duck's back' generally tends to mean that someone is unaffected by something. Whatever it is, they are unperturbed. Okay...another interesting way to look at ducks.

Our third quote is in season 1 episode 3. Crowley once again speaks to us about ducks when he's talking to Aziraphale about ✨insurance.✨ No not that kind of insurance I'm talking about the Holy Water. When Crowley and Aziraphale meet in the park in their little top hats in 1862 the conversation goes something like this...

Crowley - "If it all goes wrong, I want insurance."

Aziraphale - "What?"

Crowley, handing Aziraphale a piece of paper - "I wrote it down. Walls have ears. Well ,not walls. Trees have ears. Ducks have ears. Do ducks have ears? Must do. That's how they hear other ducks."

That's...and interesting little throw away line right there that Aziraphale ignores to tell him no. And maybe it is a little throw away line...or maybe we're meant to pay attention to it. Why else would they continue talking about something if they don't want to emphasize it. Twice is a coincidence but threes a pattern.

Which leads me to our fourth quote (continuing our pattern) being from Season 2 this time in which Crowley (I'm slowly seeing a pattern of how it's almost always Crowley talking about ducks, and who's the one who tells Aziraphale when they're being watched???) yells at some agents not to feed the ducks bread. Shax then asks him what you're supposed to feed ducks, and once again it isn't until later on in the conversation that Crowley says 'Peas. You give ducks peas.'

Feeding ducks bread is not good. But I'm not sure there's any other little meaning in here.

Now that we've got that out of the way. I want to mention The Other times ducks are mentioned, and to me it only seems to get weirder.

The first appearance of a mention of ducks in season 2...is the first time we meet Mr. Brown (of Brown's world of carpets.)

In our second episode, Crowley and Aziraphale have a meeting at the PuB in which we meet Mr. Brown (of Brown's world of carpets) who corners Aziraphale about holding the Whickber Street Traders and Shopkeepers Association monthly? meeting. Buuuuuuut. We actually first see him BEFORE he comes over to Aziraphale. (Don't even get me started on the weird shit in the PuB)

Even here we can see he's got a something in his arm, which we quickly find out is a newspaper.

But notice how....whatever angle we're seeing him from, we can see the front of his newspaper? It's like a big flashing sign that says 'HEY LOOK AT ME!'

We even see him right here, moving towards Aziraphale while Crowley orders drinks. And what do we see? The front of the newspaper.

And he

spends

every

moment

showing us that newspaper.

And even better, tell me why it appears that Aziraphale is looking at the paper and not him?

And I know this shot is blurry but even as he leaves the PuB, he's still holding that newspaper towards the camera.

And then he's literally holding it in front of his face

Even when we see him days later!

So for starters. Why...why does he have the same newspaper over a span of multiple days. And more importantly. Why on Earth does it say 'Nebraskan Woman Taught Duck to Play Accordion.'

Now you might say it's dumb and unimportant. And normally I'd agree...if he wasn't flashing that newspaper around like a billboard.

It leads me to believe it's really important, but why I don't know. @lady-of-the-puddle and I are still agonizing over ducks and have yet to really figure out what significance there might be.

The only thought I have had....which seems so far-fetched I'm embarrassed to say it almost, is who, off the top of your head is the one person you can think of that would have the power to teach a duck to play an accordion considering they don't have posable thumbs....or hands for that matter?

If you said God then I feel a little less ridiculous...but also why would God teach a duck to play accordion. So not having anything to back that up or anything to further explore it with....But I feel like that might be thinking of the duck thing from the wrong angle since our most common discussion point about ducks seems to be them hearing things and all around being suspicious little feathered friends.

I have to say I am quite clueless on the matters of ducks but I feel they have to be important....

And don't get me started on newspapers...

[lunalitva]

Way Down We Go

AJ x Private Security/Crime family reader

「 You 」

I sat up on the rooftop of the building next door of the club my brother was currently at. With his friends… If you could call them that. More like work acquaintances, without the work. His little thief friends, Takers. Is what they call themselves, the dorks.

Was I spying on my brother? Sure. But in all fairness, he isn’t always a good judge of character. Hence why I’m here now. Because the knuckle head and his stupid plans are going to be the death of me.

I pull up my laptop, that had been running background checks on my brothers new crew. Alderige, Alexander James. Cute… perhaps my brother doesn’t have bad taste after all-

Ping!

I jolt, picking up my phone hastily. To see a notification from my brother, speak of the devil.

Thorn in my side

Need help.

No hi how r u?

Usually u leave me on read. Anyway hurry up and get ur ass here. We r waiting.

And where would here be exactly? And whose ‘we?’

Christ how dumb do you think I am? Actually don’t answer that.

I snicker at his response, before typing mine.

Fine, I’ll be there. Tell ur boy band I’ll be there soon.

Thx sis x

eww don’t ever call me ‘sis’ again

ok… sis

I leave him on read, maybe he does have a point. Chucking all my equipment back into my duffle bag, slinging it over my shoulder. Making my way to the stairs as I head to the club my brother and the rest of the Takers were at.

「 Narrator 」

Meanwhile…

Aj was lounging on one of the various couches while Gordon and your brother, Alec were discussing the plan for the upcoming heist. Though he appeared to be in a world of his own, Aj was paying more attention than it seemed.

He visibly perked up after hearing your name, he knew Alec had a big family. He’d mentioned it before, from your two other sisters. Him, your parents and obviously your dog named Flash. But he never mentioned you, at least never around Aj. He couldn’t help the curiousness that crept up inside of him, Gordon was usually very picky about allowing outsiders into their plans.

So what was so special about you?

Aj jolts after taking an elbow to the ribs, grimacing at the feeling. “Have you been listening to anything I’ve said for the past hour?” John asks annoyed, though a small smile tugs at the blond mans lips. Not at all surprised by Aj’s brazen behaviour.

Aj picks up his fedora that had fallen to the floor, smoothing his hair back. Before placing it back on his head, “yeah man of course.” His gaze averts to John. His friend’s face held a look of disbelief, busted.

John chuckles at Aj’s obvious distraction. “You might wanna be a little less obvious when your eavesdropping man.” He grins, leaning back against the lounge. Crossing his arms over his muscular chest. The muscle of his biceps straining against the sleeves of his shirt.

Aj lets out a huff, “no clue what you’re on about man.” Trying to dismiss John’s eavesdropping accusation against him.

John raises a brow in amusement, clearly not believing a word that came out of Aj’s mouth. “Yeah, whatever you say.” He smirks, before standing up. Heading over to Gordon and Alec, giving Aj a teasing wink. Who just gave John a playful glare in response, before slumping back in his seat. Crossing his arms over his chest in annoyance. Looking like a toddler throwing a tantrum, making John chuckle.

While the Takers were distracted you managed to sneak in through the back entrance. Watching as they all bickered amongst themselves, oblivious to your presence. You decided to remain undetected for now, placing your duffle bag down on the countertop of the bar. Heading behind it to make yourself a drink.

Grabbing a cold martini glass, pouring in a shot of vodka. Filling the rest up with cranberry juice, before topping it off with three maraschino cherries. Hopping up, you sit on top of the bar. Cross legged, siping on your vodka cranberry. While looking through the blueprints of the bank someone had so callously left on the bar countertop.

Hearing the faint sound of heels clicking you turn your head. Lilli approached the bar, jumping slightly as she made eye contact with you. Sitting there sipping on your cocktail, the blueprints laid across your lap. Her jump scared expression making you giggle, she placed a hand over her heart. A smile tugging on her lips. “Hi,” you whisper.

“Hello,” she replies. Her voice soft, as her kind eyes bored into yours. She moved towards the counter, extending your hand for support. She takes it, propping herself up on the counter beside you. “I’m Lilli, and you are?”

You give her hand you were holding a shake. “Y/n, nice to meet you.” You see her eyes avert to the blueprints on your lap. “Wanna see?” She nods enthusiastically, making you chuckle softly in response to her enthusiasm. Picking up the blueprints, holding them out in front of both your faces.

“What are you doing here?” Lilli asks curiously, while scanning the blueprints.

“Alec asked me to come,” you shrug nonchalantly. Pointing at the best points of entry on the blueprints.

“How do you know Alec?” She asks, while you take another sip of your cocktail.

“He’s my brother,” you pick up a maraschino cherry. Popping it into your mouth.

Her eyes widen in obvious surprise, “Alec is your brother?”

“Unfortunately,” you grin playfully. “Speaking of which…” you pause, turning to face the group. That were still engrossed in conversation. “Earth to boy band can we get this show on the road? I have shit to do.” You raise your voice loud enough to grab their attention.

Watching in amusement as their heads snap in your direction, fast enough that they could’ve gotten whiplash. Making you and Lilli laugh, “so oblivious.” She chuckles.

Looking through the group, you see John’s familiar face. “Johnny boy, long time no see.” A soft blush adorns his cheeks in embarrassment.

“Huh?” The blonde man beside him, looks at him bewildered. Which you recognised to be Aj. John just looks back at you and chuckles.

“Y/n, good to see you again.” He waves, as Aj mutters something under his breath. Though your attention is pulled away by a soft tap on your shoulder. You turn to see Lilli with a sheepish smile on her face.

“Can you make me one of those?” She ask hesitantly pointing at the drink in your hand, making a smile tug at your lips.

“Of course,” you slide off the countertop. To behind the bar, hearing someone clear their throat. You look up, meeting the familiar hazel eyes of your brother. “Hey big bro.”

“I didn’t ask you to come over so you could drink.” He quips, with a sly smirk tugging at his lips. Causing you to narrow your eyes at him playfully.

“Well I was bored,” you retort. Ruffling his dark hair, making him let out an annoyed grunt.

Lilli leans a little closer to the both of you. “To be fair, she was sitting here for a while. Not that you guys noticed.” She added in your defence, as you mixed up the vodka cranberry.

“Do you want the cherries?” You ask, raising a brow. She nods in response, “yes ma’am.” You say with a salute. Making her let out a soft giggle.

Alec clicks his fingers in front of your face trying to get your attention, “uh hello? Back on topic please.” Making you roll your eyes at his behaviour.

“You’re so dramatic big bro, relax. Take a breather,” you tease. Hearing a chuckle from behind Alec, then a mop of blond hair peeking through. A big toothy grin on his face, as he steps to the side of Alec. In front of you, holding out his hand. Gently taking yours, bringing it to his soft lips.

Placing a gentle kiss on your knuckles, “it’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m Aj.”

A soft chuckle befalling your lips, amused by his irregular behaviour. “Let me guess, you have a thing for the Godfather?” You tease, looking up at his fedora. Alec’s hand immediately shoots to his mouth, muffling his snort. Aj bites his bottom lip gently, giving your hand a soft squeeze. Before you pull it out of his grip, popping the cherries into Lilli’s drink. Sliding it over to her, she whispers a ‘thank you.’

“I do actually, have you watched it?” He leans onto the bar, practically looming over you. The low lighting in the room reflecting off his blond hair. Making him look almost… angelic. Though his playful smirk suggested otherwise.

“No, though if you like that thing you should come to our family reunions. The resemblance is impeccable,” you quip. A wheezy laugh erupting from Alec. Aj seemed undeterred from his friends reaction, leaning even closer. His long lean fingers gently brushing a strand of hair out your face, tucking it behind your ear. With the utmost gentleness, as if you were made of porcelain. His eyes so transfixed on his movements, it was like he was in a trace. So were you, not that you’d admit it. Alec and Lilli observed quietly, aware of the tension. Eyeing the display of affection with curiousness. It was no secret that Aj was a flirt, but this was something that even your brother hadn’t witnessed from him. After a moment you pull back snapping yourself out of your trance like state, withdrawing from his gentle caress. Clearing your throat, “well… Let’s get on with it. We have a lot to do.”

[betweengenesisfrogs]

Desynced

So I really like Desynced.

Strictly speaking, it doesn't 100% fit what I was talking about in my Homestuck manifesto, since it's technically a Homestuck fan adventure rather than a brand new work.

However…for a fanwork, it feels more like a new piece of Homestuckian art than many others I've seen?

I'm reminded of an old Hussie formspring response, where the question was about what would happen if siblings living in the same house played SBURB. Hussie's response was that one shouldn't try to solve this with the rules of Homestuck, but instead imagine the kind of story and plot that would suit such a scenario.

Desynced is like that - playing by its own rules. A lot of other fan adventures feel too stuck (ha) in adhering to the rules of SBURB and Paradox Space. Desynced is quite literally playing an entirely different game. It lets go of so much about the way a fan story is traditionally conceived, and brings in its own set of laws and ideas that fit its own story better.

Some things I like, in no particular order:

-The depiction of parents and children - Desynced knocks this out of the park by splitting the difference between faceless authority figures and relatable kids by playing with perception and letting the parents talk to each other as adults, even when they're faceless to their kids. There is some really phenomenal parent-child content here. The relationship between Kate and her father, for instance, is fraught and filled with missed conversations that break my heart

-That in 2024, everybody in the main group gets to be queer and trans from the very start

-That the protagonist kids are Zoomers, and we see that their interests tend not toward 80s movies but things like Minecraft and Discord chats

-That we seem to be building towards a "war in heaven" theme, where different members of the future gods and Carapacians will take different sides in a cosmic struggle

-The music, which is full of bangers and feels like the sequel to the Homestuck bandcamp page that I never knew I needed

-The total reimagining of Jack Noir, which seems like it shouldn't work, but totally does

-The genius way that the game's equivalent of Denizens tie into weird cosmic mysteries

-Alien kids who appear at first glance to be trolls but are quickly revealed to not be trolls at all (maybe they're tieflings)

-The way in this universe, Trollsonas only exist in connection to an obscure game called Hiveswap

-The fact that the fantasy land inhabitants, the equivalent of consorts, are more fleshed out and have their own lives going on instead of just being silly animals - which hints that we're taking 'their existence more seriously and sincerely.

-That when Desynced does "play the Homestuck hits," it reminds you of how good those narrative structures are. Examples include:

Ordinary internet friend group discovers they are all interconnected and inveigled in a vast conspiracy

Making sense of the rules of a confusing alternate gamey-reality that suggests a sense of purpose but doesn't give you instructions for achieving it

Oh, and also, you have to do this while the world is ending and you're about to die

Villain narrator makes fun of you, the reader

Alien kids interrupt your game session to ramble at you about how they know much more about the game than you do, but it turns out they're just a tiny bit ahead and they're as confused about most things as you are

Ascending to godhood helps you redefine your identity but also causes as many problems as it solves

It's like, woah, Homestuck was really cooking, wasn't it?

We're all so used to the Homestuck plot structures and conventions that I think it's very easy to lose sight of why we fell in love with it in the first place. Reading Desynced made me remember how much I love the premise of Homestuck. Desynced achieves this by detaching from convention and focusing on Homestuck's themes: parent-child relationships, the limitations of one's ideology, the double-edged sword of finding identity in fantasy, and more.

So yes, Desynced is a Homestuck fanwork. But if we're asking where a Homestuck literary movement might go in the future, Desynched offers us a really neat glimpse of part of the answer.

I highly recommend checking it out, if you're interested.

-Ari

[campbyler]

mike being such an unreliable narrator this episode is KILLING ME

— ep4 spoilers —

at first i was really shocked by will going up to mike and kissing him like that so i thought back to the entire chapter to see if there were signs that will was going to do that and i feel like there were actually SO MANY SIGNS that mike just didn’t notice (hence: unreliable narrator mike) mike just is so oblivious hahaha

like will being so crabby the entire time in my head is bc mike is like actually being so nice and on his best behavior and like. that’s so annoying for will. he like… cleans the entire cabin without asking?? terrible. spends the first night reading with his cute lil glasses and his cute lil book? infuriating. doesn’t complain about his asthma but then when he’s better after practically dying asks if will’s hungry?!?!? who does he think he is?? and then of course the whole leaning-against-the-doorframe and walking-around-shirtless and fingers-touching-at-the-mess-hall bahahaha will was a pining mess that entire time and was so mad about it i cannot express how hilarious that is to me

for some reason i’m definitely imagining will’s last convo before being sent to the isolation cabin being with someone who may have insinuated that will and mike have more then just hateful tension between them 👀 which initially made will super pissed but then opened his mind to more realizations

i have no clue if i’m right at all-but i had so much fun reading it amazing job guys

ALSO what do you MEAANNN they’ve kissed before ?!?!?!? wah?!?!?

i would like to start off this reply by saying i love that you referred to this chapter as an episode. they are also like little episodes to me, playing out in my little brain. <3

when i tell you we were all so chuffed to receive this ask and have you point all of those things out because yes. YES!!!!!!!!!! we're achieving what we have set out to do!!!!!!! they are both so unreliable and oblivious in their own heads but communicating through action pretty clearly!!

also that is absolutely definitely part of the reason will is so crabby!!!!!!! it's a couple of things, which were referenced so briefly in the narrative: max is pretty annoyed at him, and they're not speaking, so he's upset over that. justin is also completely understandably upset with him, and will thinks highly of justin in that he thinks he's a genuinely nice guy, so he's feeling guilty about that. hopper is disappointed, campers are pointing and laughing at them, mike is being this Perfect Model Camper now, and he just realizes his part in getting this to blow up and he's feeling embarrassed and ashamed by it. + mike was reading the night before the kiss and kept the light on then, too, which made it hard for will to fall asleep, and he is actually fr tired when ~flickergate~ starts (i did not come up with this someone else said it and i need to dig back through comments across all 3 of our platforms to find out who and give them credit LOL), which is also part of the reason why he promptly falls asleep after. mike kissing his neck is what did him in -- he didn't have to put any energy into contributing and therefore was basically lulled into sleep. we love a sleepy king <3

also YES!!!!!!! they have kissed before!!!!!!!!!!! we are going to release an official timeline at some point today so that we can update it as we reveal more things, but also so that you can track the revelations thus far!!!

thank you so much for your comment :D

[simonsapelsin]

Dungeons & Dragons AU. Friends to lovers.

Ayub is the dungeon master, Simon is a bard, and Rosh is a barbarian. Sara was a druid, but she doesn't want to play anymore. Simon says the game is way more fun with four people, so his schoolmate Wille agrees to join their campaign, taking the bus to Bjärstad on Saturdays.

Wille plays a paladin, and he has no idea what he's doing. But he discovers that it's surprisingly a lot of fun to escape into a fantasy world for awhile, and he gets really into it.

But wait...is it Wille's imagination, or is Simon flirting with him? No. No way, obviously that's just his character. He does have 15 points in charisma after all.

One day after a brutal battle with some orcs, the party travels to a village to rest and stock up on supplies.

"You enter the inn and speak to the innkeeper," Ayub narrates. "She says you're in luck, there is one room available. You follow her upstairs. She brings you to a modest room, with a bed, a wooden chest of drawers, and a small window."

"One bed?" asks Wilhelm.

"Yup."

"How big is the bed?" asks Simon.

"It's small. Like, a bit smaller than your bed," says Ayub. Wille looks down at Simon's bed. They're sitting on opposite ends of it, and Ayub and Rosh are in chairs. They're sitting around a small table covered with character sheets, dice, and bowls of snacks.

"I don't need a bed. I'm gonna go check out the tavern, I'll see you guys in the morning," Rosh says, and goes to the kitchen for more sodas.

"I can sleep on the floor," offers Wilhelm.

"Don't be ridiculous. There's room for both of us," Simon insists.

"Oh-okay. I, uh, lie down on the bed," says Wilhelm.

"You're gonna keep your bloody clothes on? We just slaughtered twenty orcs, we're like drenched in blood, right, Ayub?"

"Yeah, I guess you would be."

"Okay, so. We don't have any extra clothes... Should we find a shop to buy new ones, or...?"

"Wille, no, we can't risk that. You only have two hit points, what if we get attacked in town? We need to rest now. Just take off your clothes and get in bed with me."

Wille gulps. "Okay." He makes brief eye contact with Simon and then quickly looks away. He looks at Ayub, who's smirking. "I take off my armor and uh, everything else I'm wearing, and I uh, lie down. On the bed." He looks hesitantly at Simon, whose expression has definitely changed. His eyes are trailing over Wille's body and he looks kinda...seductive? He's just getting into character.

Simon meets Wille's eyes again. "I slowly remove my--"

"I'm gonna go check on Rosh, she's been in the kitchen for a while," Ayub suddenly blurts out while rising to his feet.

When Ayub is gone, Simon scoots closer to Wille on the bed. "I slowly remove my armor...my boots...my cloak...my shirt...my pants...and I lie down next to you." He actually lies down. He's really good at roleplaying. Wille takes his cue and lies down too. They're facing each other.

"Wille?"

"Yeah?" Why is Simon staring at his lips?

"Can I kiss you?"

"Uhh...Shouldn't we wait for Ayub to come back? Like he's the DM, I don't want him to miss anything. Do you have to roll to see if your character can kiss mine, or...?"

"Wille," Simon closes his eyes and shakes his head. "I'm not playing anymore. I'm asking you. Not my character. Do you get it?"

Oh.

Oh.

[thefirstknife]

i don't have a team to do the dungeon with, so i gotta ask. What are the lucent brood doin on Titan? Are they under Xivu's command now?

The Lucent Brood were trying to resurrect Oryx (whose body was found on Titan in the deep sea). They planned to do so with the combination of Light (a Ghost) and necromancy.

It's currently unclear if Xivu played a part here. In the trailer, the narration is Xivu saying "All who pass through these halls are mine." However, she does not say this anywhere in the dungeon itself. The only time we hear Xivu speak in the dungeon is in collectibles which are Xivu's memories. It's revealed that Xivu was visiting Oryx's grave frequently and grieving. Whatever she was saying at his corpse and her memories in general were absorbed by the corpse itself, which is why we were able to hear them.

We learn that Xivu Arath was devastated when she learned that Oryx has died. She could hardly believe it and she was especially angry because we didn't take up his spot when we killed him. The Sword Logic demands it. But when we refused to do that, we refused the Sword Logic, but we still proved that we were stronger than Oryx, thus proving that we're stronger than the Sword Logic and that the Sword Logic is not the ultimate worldview. This completely shattered Xivu and sowed a seed of doubt in her head.

AND HIS KILLERS HAVE NOT ASSUMED THE MANTLE OF THE TAKEN KING. BLASPHEMY. BLASPHEMY! HOW? HOW CAN THE SPEAR THAT PIERCED A MILLION WORLDS BE KILLED BY THOSE WHO WOULD DENY THE ALL-EDGED TRUTHS? ... WAS IT ALL FOR... NOTHING?

This not only caused doubt in her, but also a need to bring him back, or attempt it. Listen to this:

I HAVE DIED... AND YET WAS SUMMONED BACK BY YOU. YOU, WHO REMEMBERED ME AS WAR? OUR SISTER DIED, AND WAS SUMMONED BACK BY YOU. YOU, WHO CONSPIRED WITH HER CUNNING? SO IT MUST BE FOR NOW. IF YOUR LEGACY IS TRUE, BROTHER, IT WILL COME UNTO US AND DEFEAT OUR BLASPHEMY. AND IF NOT... IF NOT, WHAT WE ATTEMPT CANNOT BE BLASPHEMY. FOR WE HAVE SURVIVED YOU. SURPASSED THE POWER OF YOUR WILL. AIAT. AIAT.

She's recounting how the Hive have a way to bring someone back and specifically she is recounting the event when Oryx invoked the nature of his sisters to return them to life. She's musing on how to bring him back in a similar way and is trying to justify it to herself that what she's attempting wouldn't be "blasphemy."

But going forward, she continuously denies the Light, is extremely aggravated about Savathun going to the Light, speaks in praise of the Witness and the Final Shape arriving and talks how the Witness will end us eventually. So, would someone who said all of this really go to commit the ultimate blasphemy of not only using the Light, something she despises her sister for, but also necromancy, one of the biggest heresies of the Hive? Savathun was exiled for the crime of heresy!

However, Xivu Arath's final message is very poignant and relevant as well. She is still having doubt and attachments. She is still grieving and she is still compromised by her love for her family. So maybe she would go that far, especially if she does it in hiding, so that nobody knows it's her who directed it. This bit is also important because it echoes the exact same thoughts from Savathun:

WHAT IS THIS FEELING? THE SKY IS MORTALLY WOUNDED, BLEEDING OUT. YET... A PART OF ME LONGS FOR THE COMFORT OF THE GARDENS. OF YOUR STORIES. OF SISTER'S. I LONG FOR OUR JOURNEYS TOGETHER... ... WHAT IS THIS FEELING? I DO NOT WANT IT!

Savathun in Hawkmoon tab from Season of the Hunt:

I am reminded of my home. I am reminded of the warmth of the sun and the embrace of my family. I am reminded of my father's face. I am reminded of everyone I betrayed. All the blood spilled in the name of immortality. The warmth of the sun burns me with its memory.

What is this feeling?

I do not want it.

When Savathun said this, she was already an established heretic to the Hive, exiled and reviled by the rest, as well as on the run from the Black Fleet. If Xivu is experiencing this, it must mean that she is actively doubting her place and allegiance. So did she secretly team up with some Lucent Hive to try and do this? Is she using them as a cover to try and bring back Oryx? Or are these two things entirely unrelated and Xivu's mourning for her brother and inability to let go is entirely independed of what the Lucent Brood tried to accomplish?

Because there's no way she could attempt this openly and remain in the good graces of the rest of the Hive, especially her own. And there's no way that this would fly with the Witness. As a matter of fact, now that we've seen the exact depths of her attachment and love for family, we also know that she is most certainly not a Disciple. This attachment would preclude her from it. This whole thing might be a mystery on purpose; Xivu is still largely unknown to us. Could be a tactical distraction, some sort of strategy in war to confuse us or split our attention. I'm really interested in what others think about this because we have evidence for both options.

[wen-kexing-apologist]

Love in the Big City: Part Two

Once again I find myself without an original essay already floating in my head, so shout out to @bengiyo for the discussion questions. They are a life saver! 

I find the question about I maintain effective distance from a narrator when the story gets heavy, but I am not sure that that is something I know how to do. In my day to day life I often feel cut off from emotions. I process my emotions through media, where putting myself in the experiences and feelings of the characters can be used like armor as I turn to face my own. I fail time and time again to maintain effective distance from my characters, because my characters are how I maintain effective distance from myself. I suspect Mr. Young and I have that in common. 

I’m glad for these essays because last week’s made me really have to think about Young, what he was like, why he was like that, how his friendship with Jaehee broke down when Young wasn’t able to be serious. Because I feel like Part Two is proof for me that my initial read was correct. But just like in Part One, where Young mentions his own problems almost off-handedly, his suicidality being a single sentence sandwiched somewhere in a paragraph. Here too, Young is rather distanced himself when he recounts his traumas. 

He does not linger on the fact he spent his summer in a psychiatrist facility because his mother saw him kiss a boy. He merely bluntly gives the details, but doesn’t really mention how he felt about it. At least not until closer to the end of Part Two. His boyfriend is the same, in some regards. Beyond the dickmatization of our narrator, I think the initial draw for Young was that there was another gay with mommy issues who was willing to talk about them. I think sadness speaks to sadness and that can call people to one another. The failing here is in the difference in their courage. 

Young has suppressed his sexuality as much as he could in places where he knew it might get him hurt (the military as an example). But even after suffering what he did in that psych facility, he left it with the knowledge that his mother was the one who was sick, not him. Young’s boyfriend, however, grew up in a different generation. Ben’s right, in BL we usually root for reciprocal couples to get together, and here we are watching a relationship fail. But I am not rooting for these two to be together, because that relationship was not balanced in what it gave and what it took. Young and his boyfriend stood on different ground from the beginning, both in what they wanted out of it and in how they navigate the world. 

I am not someone who thinks everyone needs to be out of the closet, I think it is quite rare that we get a closeted and out couple where their need to hide their relationship does not impact their relationship (shout out to Cooking Crush yet again for defeating that trope!) Young does not seem like the kind of person used to be looked at and he’s in a younger generation. He isn’t closeted, and does not at least outwardly appear to fall victim to internalized homophobia, he wants to hold his boyfriend’s hand in public, he does not give a shit what elders think. But he is with someone that is deeply ashamed of his queerness, to the point where he tortures himself with the news. Young is right to be upset after he finds the articles on his boyfriend’s laptop, it would be horrifying to find out that’s what your boyfriend thinks of you. 

But I don’t think Young mentioned, and he definitely did not reflect on the fact this has less to do with how he feels about Young and more to do with how he feels about himself. I love that this book got in to the complexities of activism. Now, I know someone did some very incredible work on the Korean history timeline, I just did not have an opportunity to finish it. So I’m not sure about the politics at play for what those students were activists for, but if I know one thing, it is that activists are never perfect. In the US, for example, racism existed within the women’s sufferage moment, homophobia existed in black liberation movements, and transphobia exists in the feminist movement and in queer communities as well. 

If Young’s boyfriend and his classmates were activists together, got arrested, fought against whatever it is they fought against and the boyfriend had respect for them, it would be a massive thing to internalize to find out they are homophobic. Hell, when we met that couple at the park, the husband said he believed that queer people existed as if there was a time when he didn’t think homosexuality was real. Young’s boyfriend ranted a lot about the American Empire and the influence of Western culture on Korean society and Young made a point to emphasize religion as a part of that. 

Korea has a pretty decent Christian population, and as we saw from Young’s umma that evangelical nature resulted in massive punishment for Young out of his mother’s fear of his sins. And she’d been a Christian for 25 years. I think every character we meet is really supposed to be some sort of reflection for Young, a way to show us alternate futures for Young. Jaehee is what his life could never look like because he was gay in a country that does not have gay marriage rights. But at the very least, Jaehee got serious when Young could not, and she got a serious boyfriend, and entered a serious relationship. Young and Jaehee were so similar for so long, that I do think Young would have been able to maintain a longterm relationship if he could actually emotionally commit to one. 

In Part Two, Young’s boyfriend is his mirror. The anti-American imperialist that pays attention to flags versus the kid who does not even pay attention to the symbology he is wearing. The former activist versus the passive kid. The internalized homophobe and the one who rebelled against that. I said it already but Young was tortured for being queer, and the first thing his mother did when the therapy failed was to hand him fucking scripture. Young could have ended up just as disgusted and ashamed as his boyfriend, but he didn’t. 

I think the author intercut Young’s relationship with his mother and his boyfriend in this part because they act as catalysts, they change Young, they show him what his weaknesses are, and the pain he will suffer when he bites his tongue…and when he doesn’t. His relationship with his boyfriend implodes when he starts saying more of the thoughts in his head, he waits for his mother to die after he cannot bring himself to ever tell her he wants an apology. 

I think so much of this part is about being let down by the people around you, which I think is how Young felt when he realized Jaehee had left him at the end of Part One. We get the homophobic activists as an example, but we also spent a significant amount of time with Young talking about his boyfriend who was the first to make a move, and the first to sit and listen, and how that turned out to be an act, his boyfriend was deeply stuck in his homophobia and stopped really listening to Young early in to their relationship; Young talked quite a bit about how stubborn and strong his mother used to be. The force of her. And he spends this entire part just watching her wither away to skin and bones. He describes how long she kept up the act, that he’d help her use the restroom and then ten minutes later you couldn’t even tell she needed help. 

And then he lays his head in his mother’s lap at the end, and he wants an apology. He wants an apology so badly. But he knows he will never get it, not in the way he wants.  But honestly, I think his mother does apologize to him, in her own way, when she admits that she was scared. And I think the hardest truth he could ever tell his mother is that he was sorry he felt like the whole world in her hands. 

[night-unfurls-its-splendour]

Susan Kay's 'Phantom' Read: Part I (Madeleine)

I'm gonna start by voicing a deep dislike and annoyance for the endorsements on the back.

"Adds new depth and perspective, moving well beyond the familiar bounds of the story..." -- Publisher's Weekly

... No, it doesn't. It offers ONE person's take while actively circumventing, contradicting and ignoring canon. You can't "add new perspective" to someone else's work by making up your own shit. This is nothing more or less than Fanfiction. And Fanfiction is by no means bad, but just because it follows the basic timeline outlined by the original author, that doesn't make it any more legitimate than any other transformative/derivative work just because it's in book form.

Even more aggravating is this, from School Library Journal:

"Phantom of the Opera fans no longer need to ponder what was in Erik's past, as Kay has created one for him in this deeply moving, poignant story . . . This sad, but beautiful, novel will be especially popular with [those] who have enjoyed the current musical."

I hate that this is actively encouraging readers to accept this dross as canon. "No need to draw your own conclusions, just ape off of this author!"

All of my above statements about how THIS IS VERY MUCH NOT CANON AND SHOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN CONFLATED WITH LEROUX CANON TO THE EXTENT THAT IT WAS stand.

Like whether you enjoy it or not, IT'S NOT CANON.

Anyway, onto 'Madeleine'

My first question is, did Kay name her this so that later, when Erik talks about marrying Christine at the Madeleine Church, she could point back to this and go "Haha! Mommy issues!"?

Now that's aside...

So, I actually liked the writing quite a bit. There are some decently witty phrases here and a few even made me chuckle.

I personally think she spent way more time than she needed to on Madeleine, who is, I won't mince words here, an OC. There's so many details I just don't want or need.

I will be honest, I think Kay did a good job capturing Erik’s troubling characteristics and applying them what he would perhaps have been like as a child.

My biggest problem is the Renesmee of it all.

I dislike the fact that infant Erik is portrayed as having a kind of consciousness. Of course, Madeleine is an unreliable narrator, so it could easily be that she simply projected an unnatural consciousness onto him out of fear, but I somehow doubt that this is what Kay was aiming for. The way she has Madeleine describe Erik as an infant seems to indicate that, from the moment he was born, he has understood himself to be afflicted and different, which I deeply dislike.

It has always seemed to me, that, whatever skills and gifts Erik employed, Leroux's point was that, under it all, he really was nothing more than a man; that, had he been treated with acceptance, he would not have been very different to any other man. No bizarre consciousness bestowed upon him as a curse on his mother for the sin of vanity made Erik into the haunting soul that he is.

And that really does seem to be the implication here, which is a problem for me. Its one thing to write Erik's mother regarding him as a punishment from God, its quite another to actually support that idea in the text by having him develop, not only intellectually, but physically, beyond the bounds of humanity. Crawling at six months, sure. Speaking at six months and walking at 9? No. Absolutely not. We're not doing this.

Even his deformity is treated as something supernatural (which is REALLY annoying, since we know that Leroux prided himself on even his outlandish writing choices being based in reality and accepted medical knowledge of the time. We KNOW he consulted doctors about potential diseases upon which he could base Erik’s disorder (which is likely either congenital syphilis, or Gunther Disease).

Erik became what he was because he was a child like any other and couldn't understand why he was denied the affection and attention he craved as a basic instinct, what nature dictates as natural; denied his first and most basic human right--a mother's love.

It's so much more meaningful and logical that hope should be drained from him gradually as his mother continually rejects the natural order; that he should gradually come to conclude that he is an exception to Nature's established rules, and this then is what drives Erik to build himself into something extraordinary, using the exceptionally favourable gifts he was granted by God and nature.

Now I've heard about what a bitch Madeleine is, but honestly she's not half as bad as what I was expecting (at least from her own narrative). That she takes the trouble to try and educate him herself is interesting to me, but also kind of silly. Kay grants child!Erik an intellect and developmental speed that is "Nothing short of preturnatural". If you're going to treat him like a supernaturally intelligent being then why spend so much real estate on his education?

I'm also not sold on the idea that canon!Erik's mother would ever have put that much effort into fostering his intellect.

But then in my head-canon, Erik's mother put it about that Erik died in the cradle shortly after his birth and kept him hidden for his entire childhood (which frankly, I think, is the more realistic scenario--but then I would, its my headcanon).

Also, you remember when I talked about Kay ignoring and contradicting canon?

Erik has "mis-matched eyes" in this book. That's from the musical. Also he's Christened a "Erik" here (his mother tells the priest to give the baby his own name). Erik isn't actually Erik's birth name in Leroux. It's a name he adopted "By chance" in his adult life.

Overall I found this whole section very tedious, but perhaps the most upsetting thing about it for me was this.

I was told that Erik's mother is a bitch (big surprise, we all knew that).

So I was expecting gross neglect, constant verbal abuse, physical abuse etc.

Well it was surprisingly light on all of that. In fact Madeleine is self-aware enough, with the help of another OC, her friend Marie (who is the only person in this book with any rights, imho) that she's lacking as a mother, and feels guilty about this.

She even ***Spoilers*** comes around to a point where she comes to terms with having Erik for a son... just in time for him to run away after his beloved dog gets killed by a mob of local boys.

What NO ONE MENTIONED and what I found just absolutely, insane, unnecessary, and repugnant, is the treatment of Erik's voice as being inherently sexual from birth.

This excerpt, from page 7, describing Madeleine's first experience of hearing Erik cry as a newborn, sets the tone for the first half of her narrative:

And then he cried! I have no words to describe the first sound of his voice and the extraordinary response it evoked in me. I had always considered the cry of a newborn to be utterly sexless--piercing, irritating, curiously unattractive. But his voice was a strange music that brought tears rushing to my eyes, strangely seducing my body so that my breasts ached with a primitive and overwhelming urge to hold him close.

And is followed by these little gems:

I had begun to be afraid of the manner in which his voice was manipulating me. It seemed evil somehow, almost . . . incestuous.

Whatever spiritual ecstasy Father Mansart derived from those throbbing notes, my response was utterly and unequivocally physical.

The words were for God; but the voice, the exquisite, irresistible voice was for me and it pulled like a magnet somewhere deep and unseen inside my body.

I find these so particularly repugnant because after a little while this fixation with Madeleine sexualizing her son's voice... just stops. It goes nowhere, and there's no real reason given for why it stops being a theme. I'm completely baffled and disturbed as to why this is in here at all, especially because Leroux describes Erik's voice in many ways (angelic, sweet, beautiful, pure, triumphant, powerful, sinister) but he never explicitly attributes sexual attraction to it, even from Christine's perspective. Christine is so viscerally transported by the beauty of his song because it is beautiful music and she's a freak for music, not because his voice's default setting is "automatic aphrodisiac".

Erik does seduce Christine with his voice, that's absolutely true, but only because that's what he intends it to do, not because that's just what it does on its own.

Masterpost

[council-of-beetroot]

Gil: break

Tolys: guilt

Ohohohohoh these are some very good ones I say as I'm maniacally rubbing my hands together to as I begin try and cook up the satisfying answers that you deserve

break: What would cause your OC to break down completely? What do they look like when that happens? Has anyone ever seen them at their lowest?

The thing with gil is that he is just ian unreliable narrator in his own life. I think that's why this fandom really bought into the awesome Prussia shtick he was selling. You have to read between the forty lines and decode everything to really see the whole picture of how broken he is. He speaks in metaphors, humour, and half truths. It's not going to register with someone like Feliks, but to someone like Ivan and Tolys it does.

So I think the biggest thing to surefire break him is to harm Ludwig however Gil can break in other ways it doesn't take something like that. He breaks I just need to figure out how but I can tell in cta you know how to do that more effectively than I can and I'm excited. I just need more time to figure it out.

Ooh this reminds me of something I read involving planes and this guy was talking about the stakes of him dying in a plane crash. It didn't bother him until he had someone to live for such as his son. That's where I kinda see Gil in terms of Ludwig.

guilt: What is your OC guilty about? How do they handle their guilt? Do they try to avoid guilt, or do they accept it?

Tolys is plagued by guilt. He believes himself guilty for his failures, he believes himself guilty for giving in. He has failed his people plenty of times and he feels ashamed they still have faith in him. He feels ashamed for giving into the pain, and pleasure.

Tolys has a noble mindset and with it brings the sense of duty to carry the weight of the world on your shoulders as if you were a titan like atlas. With that mindset you will inevitably feel guilty when you fail because you are human trying to do the impossible.

Tolys feels things so profoundly and he wishes to numb himself from the pain yet nothing is ever truly enough.

[justanotherpersonsuniverse]

wrote some notes on questions I had while reading! You’ve mentioned Juleka gouging marks into a table with her “claws” does she actually have retractable claws of some sort or are her nails naturally more robust and sharper after becoming Panthera? 

does Juleka have cats eyes at times? You speak of Pantheras eyes thinning as a cats would in bright light or when scared but you’ve also said it was Juleka who’s eyes thinned… 

I suppose this leads onto me (likely again, sorry!) asking about the miraculous side effects on the animal side of things opposed to the magical power stuff 

Though, just to quickly bring up Alix on the magical power side of things, obviously Fluffs power is time travel, is Alix already affected by the miraculous even though she hasn’t used it yet because of time is wobbly or do you just throw in her saying “I’m good with time stuff” - or something along those lines - for fun? 

Augh the nightmare akuma one was so fire, but I kind of forgot that Juleka almost told her she was Panthera… I still absolutely need to see the reveal between them fr 

I fucking love the dichotomy of Juleka not wanting to hurt people but help but the only way for her to help them when they are akumatised is to beat the shit out of them. It’s. Like I genuinely think a real person would worry about that shit and I’m obsessed with it

I realise I have been sending you many an ask… the notes / reactions on the newest chapters are in progress as I’ve finally caught up but I’ll calm down on the raving about PN if it’s irritating! 

PLS KEEP SENDING ME ASKS LIKE THESE ARE MY LIFE AND SOUL and what keep me wanting to write!!! i adore seeing you in my inbox!

now, lemme answer your questions!

Unfortunately, She doesn't have retractable claws! Juleka's mind sorts to a 'Panthera' view/instinct where her narration is sorta twisted into thinking she's more catlike or beastlike than she really is. Which is why her narration says claws instead of nails. They have gotten longer and sharper though.

In fact, a lot of these sorta things when Juleka's narration describes her own body very inhuman is solely her slightly fucked POV. Like- The same sorta goes for Juleka's eyes. They aren't slits as Juleka- But do imagine her pupils are shrinking and dilating like a cat, regardless.

So like, not all of it is genuinely magic affecting her body, but it's not entirely null and void there too.

Alix is very timey wimey as a person even without using the rabbit. It's because of three things;

she time traveled before as timebreaker so even though she wasn't conscious as timebreaker that sorta experience still sticks to her instincts,

she carries the rabbit watch everywhere so the sorta magic cooties are stuck on her even without opening it,

and three- she's just built like that.

(secret four: those lines are also for fun)

AUGHHH the sandboy chapter was lots of fun, juleka really wanted to tell rose in that moment! but it was already a lot that night. she still thinks about it though. a lot. and rose is very curious about what juleka was gonna say.

juleka's confliction between her desires and the way she's forced to act is a very important part of the story to me. i hope i nail it well. it's hard to write a character doing things they don't want to do and having them commit to it anyhow with lasting consequences, but its also fun to write their guilt and concerns over it as they have to continue every day.

thanks for the ask!!!