#with their incredibly homosexual shenanigans | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

death-and-other-myths · 1 year

Text

The Song of Achilles

By Madeline Miller

I'm an uncultured swine and have never read Homer's Iliad. But I have read The Song of Achilles, and wrote an unhinged review/recap as I completed chapters!

*SPOILERS AHEAD*

So I’ve been hearing about this book for a while. All I know about it is that it’s Greek? (Roman?? God I wish I paid more attention in school) and is a romance story of homosexual nature. And everyone says it’s really powerful and is going to make me cry.

I’m like six chapters in and I can already tell I’m going to cry at some point. Not just because of the story, but because of the incredible amount of care in the writing. These prose are BEAUTIFUL. Not one word is wasted and Madeline Miller is just exceptionally talented with describing heady emotional things. I’m wowed.

So this story is told from the perspective of Patroclus. He is a prince! And his father is an abusive piece of shit. Just an awful, boorish human.

One year, their kingdom gets to host “the games” (I’m assuming like… the Olympic Games) and Patroclus is too weak to compete in the kids competitions, but he watches some kid from the neighboring kingdom just decimate the competition. He’s fast and blonde and a wonder kid. So it’s awesome that his father quite literally tells Patroclus “That’s what a son should be.”

See? This guy is such a dick!

Patroclus’ mother is mentally handicapped. It’s mentioned she has a scar on her temple from where her father once hit her. So that’s awful.

Oh, also Greek gods and goddesses are a thing in this world! Like a legitimate thing and not just legends or part of a religion or something. They come down and hang out with the mortals all the time like it’s totally fucking normal. I love it.

When Patroclus is nine, his father drags him to compete for some random princess’ hand in marriage, and poor Patroclus is the only suitor that’s younger than twenty. Like… what was the thinking here, Dad? What the fuck? The princess, Helen, is rumored to be crazy beautiful (she’s wearing a veil) and these guys are falling all over her. Her father makes the suitors swear to protect her always, and even little Patroclus takes the oath because everyone else is. Helen is asked to choose a man, and of course doesn’t choose the nine year old. And this all just reinforces to Patroclus that he is small and weak and not enough for his father.

So ten year old Patroclus is standing in a field one day when some fat, noble asshat kid comes and bullies him. Like… even though he’s a prince, the noble kids still pick on him. And his Dad doesn’t give a shit. They get into an argument over some dice and the fat kid stumbles and promptly EXPLODES HIS HEAD ON A ROCK. Patroclus is just like… horrified. The noble family demands punishment and Pat’s Dad is like “Whatever I’ll just banish him. I never liked this kid anyway.” — So Patroclus is sent to a neighboring kingdom and stripped of his title.

Well thank god this neighboring kingdom’s King is actually a good guy. He takes in lots of orphans and banished kids apparently. Patroclus sleeps in a big bunk with a bunch of other kids and totally blows his shot at being social and making friends when one of the boys asks if he wants to play dice. Pat is like “DICE?!?! FUCK YOU NO!” Because he’s still traumatized from accidentally killing someone over dice. From then on, he spends his days eating alone in the corner.

The prince, who happens to be that beautiful blonde kid he saw win the race, comes and eats with the boys and is the friendliest and most charismatic ten year old ever. As the story goes, he’s half god. His father once tackled a sea goddess, raped her, then forced her to stay on land and give birth to his half god kid after a year. When her year was up, she left immediately. I mean WOW. Ancient Greece was pretty brutal I guess, so I shouldn’t be surprised? And Greek mythology is also riddled with stories of rape and non-consensual shenanigans. But YIKES.

Well anyway, this kid’s name is Archilles and he’s good at everything, but totally humble and kind. Which really gets on Patroclus’ nerves. So he’s hiding out in the storage closet one day because he’s just so fucking done with everything, and Achilles finds him. He says the drill master (fighting instructor guy) is looking for him and he’ll be punished if he doesn’t have a good reason for missing spear class.

Patroclus, who is so traumatized from accidentally murdering someone and being banished by his father that he has nothing to lose, is like “Well, just tell them I was with you all morning. That way they can’t be mad.” And Achilles is like “Cool. I don’t lie, though.” So Pat says “Then how about I come with you to your music lessons?” — and he does!!

(By the way, I am doing this book such a disservice in the way I describe dialogue. Please know that literally every word, including the way these boys speak, is absolute poetry. I’m translating as best as my stupid sausage fingers can.)

So Patroclus goes to lyre lessons and is captivated by Achilles’ music skills. It reminds him of how his mother loved music. And Achilles must have been touched by the reverence with which Pat watches him, because when he goes before his father, he totally spins the story that he asked Patroclus to skip drills to come with him. His king Dad isn’t even mad. In fact, he says “I’ve been asking you if you want to take any of the boys as friends for years, and you refused. Why this one? He’s small and weird and I heard he killed a guy.” — And Achilles says “He surprises me.” And nothing more.

From then on, Achilles and Patroclus do everything together. Patroclus even moves into his bedroom and sleeps there in his own bed. They get into a little fight one day when Pat comes to watch Achilles do his drills (because he never trains in front of the other boys… because there’s a prophecy that he will be the greatest warrior of their generation and his god mother said she doesn’t want anyone knowing how amazing he is yet). Well even at 10 years old, Achilles is an amazing fighter. And Patroclus, being a dumb kid, is like “FIGHT ME OH MY GOD I’M SO IMPRESSED BUT ALSO HATE YOU AND I’M ALSO YOUR BIGGEST FAN BUT LET’S FIGHT.” And Achilles is like “Nope. Don’t ask me again.”

For the rest of the year they are best buds. I guess Patroclus had to get that last bit of jealousy out of his system. He is insanely happy being Achilles’ best friend. He doesn’t have nightmares about heads exploding anymore. They do everything together. Even the king invites him to anything Achilles is a part of.

Every so often, Achilles goes to visit with his Mom at the beach. One morning, he comes back and says his Mom wants to meet Patroclus. — This is adorable because it means Achilles has been telling her about his bestie. But also kind of terrifying because she’s a god that was raped and hates mortals. So Pat goes down to the beach and this mermaid goddess selkie lady comes and talks to him. She sounds terrifying. Black eyed and sharp mouthed. She basically says to him “You know he’s going to be a god, right?” — Pat is like “Um, yes.” — and she’s like “Good. You’ll die soon enough.” Like damn she really does hate mortals. (With good reason lol)

But I feel sorry for Patroclus. That’s still not a nice thing to hear. Achilles finds him hiding in an olive grove and they have a sweet talk about it. Achilles isn’t even sure how he’d become a god (his mother thinks if he becomes famous enough, the gods will favor him and bring him into the gang. It’s happened with half-god heroes before). He’s more interested in being a hero and doesn’t think being immortal sounds fun. Patroclus is relieved by this and they run off to do 12 year old things.

In the next chapter, they’re 13 and so are all the foster boys, so basically this palace is full of puberty right now. Sleeping with the servant girls is very commonplace, but Achilles never wants to (despite his father encouraging him) and Patroclus is too awkward to speak to anyone except for Achilles. But Pat is ALSO THIRTEEN and starting to have sexy dreams himself, just not about servant girls. Patroclus and Achilles are sitting on the beach one day when Patroclus fucking goes for it. He kisses his best friend, and it’s super nice, but Achilles’ reaction is to RUN AWAY. So Pat is immediately like “Wow I fucked up.”

Things only get worse when Achilles’ angry god Mom appears and chokes him out like “You fucked up.” — she’s so pissed at him for doing this, she demands Achilles be sent away from hero training somewhere far off where some mortal kid can’t derail her plans. Things are so awkward between the boys that Patroclus doesn’t even say goodbye when he leaves in the morning. He pretends to be asleep while Achilles looks torn about it. And then his friend is gone.

Poor baby is all sad the next day. So sad, in fact, he wanders out to the woods and has a moment of clarity (or stupidity?) and is like… well I’m no where near the ocean, so I guess it would be safe. And he runs after Achilles (who has a good 6 hour head start on him). Patroclus runs for hours and finally stops to catch his breath, and hears a noise that he thinks is bandits. He’s tackled… but it’s Achilles! — Who had a feeling he could come and fucking WAITED for him. YAY!!

I so expected the next chapter to be “5 years later…” or something. And Achilles comes back after training. But yay! I like this better. The friends get to stay together and everybody is cool about the whole “kissing on the beach” thing and it’s never brought up. Patroclus even has this cute moment when he’s running where he thinks “If I ever see him again, I will do everything in my power to be cool and not piss off his god mom.”

So then Achilles’ teacher shows up because it’s late and he hasn’t arrived at the mountain yet. And to their surprise, he is a CENTAUR!! Like an older, badass centaur named Chiron who has been around longer than most gods. So even though they’re gods and crazy and what they say goes, he has some sway there. I love… that the kids are freaked out by the centaur lol. They’re like CREEPED OUT. And it’s made even worse when they have to ride on his back because it’s getting dark and they need to get up the mountain. This is such 13 year old behavior. They’re being respectful, but Patroclus narrating is like “eeeuuughhh.”

Turns out Chiron is totally cool and teaches them whatever they want to know. It’s not all about fighting (I’m picturing Phil from Disney’s Hercules lol). He teaches them stuff about the forest and healing and surgery and how to cook. And eventually he teaches them how to fight. And when Achilles asks “How am I?”

He’s like… “Umm that prophecy is totally true and you are going to fuck so many people up when you’re grown up. I literally have nothing to teach you. You’re already a god ordained warrior and you’re only going to get stronger.”

Achilles: “Cool! I don’t want to fight in wars yet, though.”

Patroclus: “How about me?”

Chiron: “Nah, you’re pretty bad at this. But did you ever want to be good?”

He’s like… nah, not really. So Chiron is like “Cool! Ima show you kids how to weave baskets!”

One day Achilles’ mom shows up and she is piiiiiiissed. She probably would have killed Patroclus had Chiron not showed up and talked her down from her murder ledge. Whatever he and Achilles say to her makes her agree not to murder Patroclus, so there we go. The years peel by with idyllic days. The way this is written is so beautiful. My fumbling descriptions really don’t do it justice. This book is just tender. It’s so pure and sweet.

So the boys are 16, and even though Patroclus has been pining after Achilles after all these years, he’s been doing such a good job of not being obvious about it. He might get caught staring every now and then, but is otherwise incredibly fearful of 1. Ruining his friendship with Achilles and 2. Being castrated by his angry fish god mom.

There’s a cute part where Patroclus gives him a carved wooden statue for his birthday that is him with a lyre.

Okay so one day, after the boys have a conversation about how much older they both look (there are no mirrors on the mountain lol) — Achilles comes back from a visit with his Mom and says he asked her what she thinks of where they live on the mountain (in this beautiful rose quartz cave with stars painted on the ceiling and just beautiful scenery all around). And she begrudgingly admits that she can’t see them on the mountain. (It’s not explained why, but let’s all take this blessing and not complain)

So with this new found bit of intel, Achilles is like YEP. Ima kiss the heck out of you now. And they have a really sexy but also sweet scene in chapter 10. I appreciate that everything is both sensually and tastefully described. I think it’s pretty obvious that Achilles has liked him all this time too, but was also afraid of his angry god mom killing his friend. They pal around basically being boyfriends for a few weeks and are wondering if they should tell Chiron about their relationship when a messenger from Achilles’ father shows up. He says he needs to return home at once for business.

So dang it. The boys are not happy about this. They would much rather just stay on the mountain and kiss in the crystal cave forever.

They arrive back at the palace and fucking Thetis (angry fish god mom) is on the front steps. Apparently, Helen, the princess Patroclus met when he was 9 years old, has been kidnapped. Some prince from Troy came over and took her, so now everyone is rallying to help.

This line is both horrible and hilarious to me:

Only an easterner would do this. Everyone knew how they dripped with perfume, were corrupt from soft living. A real hero would have taken her outright, with the strength of his sword.

Like it’s okay to kidnap the lady, but do it with honor lol.

Peleus (Achilles’ Dad) announces that not only will he send any man that wishes to go (everyone is like.. clamoring to sign up)… but he informs the crowd that Helen’s Dad had a bunch of heroes promise to protect Helen seven years ago, and Patroclus immediately SHITS HIMSELF. He’s like OH FUCK THAT WAS REAL? I THOUGHT IT WAS A DREAM! Peleus pulls Achilles and Pat aside after dinner and says he thinks this would be a great opportunity for Achilles to lead an army and take down Troy, but Achilles says he’s not into the idea. He says he knows about the oath Patroclus swore, but the boys try to argue that it doesn’t count because his father disowned him. Peleus is surprisingly cool about this and says “Let’s just see how things pan out.”

So the next morning, Patroclus wakes up and Achilles isn’t there. He’s not worried at first. But as the morning goes on, and he looks literally everywhere, even the beach where he goes to visit his scary Mom, Achilles is literally nowhere to be found. He gets it out of Peleus’ advisor that Achilles is with his mother and he doesn’t know when he’ll be back. So Patroclus is bummed…. FOR A WHOLE ASS MONTH while Achilles is gone (I guess… we all just… forgot about Helen? Or maybe things move slower in Ancient Greece).

Well either way Patroclus is sick of waiting, so he bursts into the king’s throne room and does this thing… called “supplication”… that I have never heard of before. But he puts a hand on his knee and grabs the king by the jaw, and he DEMANDS that Peleus tell him where Achilles is. Supplication is I guess… the act of… putting a king in a strong hold and it’s some kind of honor-bound thing that makes them have to tell the truth no matter what. (It’s recognized by the gods). It’s not considered a nice or polite thing to do, but apparently it’s a thing. Peleus squeals that Achilles’ Mom took him away to some small island… and I love this transformation from Patroclus. He’s just like “Okay neat, now give me money.”

So the king fucking does, and then he gets on a boat and sails like a badass to some remote little island where everyone sends their princesses to learn how to be sexy. It’s like Ancient Greece charm school island. Patroclus uses a fake name and enters the castle, finds that the king is old and decrepit, the guards are shitty (playing dice), and everything is run by this princess who is crazy beautiful but really shallow.

She invites Patroclus to dinner and invites the girls to dance for him. She joins them. And during their dance Patroclus realizes the princess’ dance partner is FUCKING ACHILLES. DRESSED LIKE A GIRL. Achilles spots him and interrupts the performance to tackle hug him, which sends the princess into a total fit.

APPARENTLY… Thetis the angry fish god mom didn’t want her son fighting in a war?? She thought it was too soon?? So for some reason her solution was to… kidnap him… and force him to pose as a woman on Hot Girl Island until the whole thing blew over. I am very confused at the reasoning there. MOREOVER Thetis forced him to MARRY the princess and have sex with her, so now she’s pregnant!!

Patroclus is of course devastated. Achilles is very uncharacteristically flustered and feels awful. His mom basically forced him to and promised that if he had sex with this broad, she’d go fetch Patroclus and bring him here. Patroclus is like “Oh my god you sweet dumb boyfriend, she NEVER DID. I had to put your father in a chokehold to figure out where you are.” And Achilles realizes he’s been tricked and feels bad.

They work it all out though and return to the palace. The old king is surprisingly fine with all of this as long as the baby gets to keep Achilles’ name. And Achilles, who is usually the nicest dude ever, is so cold to this princess. He’s not mean to her? But he acts like she’s invisible. Even Patroclus is like “Dude cut her some slack. She was tricked as much as you were.” But Achilles is all “Nope. I love nothing except my boyfriend.”

LIKE WHAT IS THETIS THE ANGRY FISH WOMAN UP TO?? I thought (and so did Pat) that she WANTED him to fight. Why was he even summoned back then?? If she wanted to keep him safe he could have just stayed on the mountain banging in the crystal cave.

I will hand it to this book, it keeps taking turns I didn’t see coming. Twice now I expected Achilles to be taken away and come back some battle-hardened, evil dude or something.

But to hear he’s just been crossdressing and hiding from war is pretty unexpected.

Oh geez so one night, Diedemantra (that is not her name. I can’t remember anyone’s name) — the PRINCESS has some guards go and grab Patroclus and she demands an audience with him. She says some truly awful things to him, about how ugly he is and she can’t believe Achilles chose him over her and she just SOBS for like a really long time, and Patroclus… because he is a sweet boy… actually really wants to comfort her. This quickly turns sexual. He totally isn’t into it, but she’s like… DEMANDING. And he goes through with it because I think he feels really sympathetic towards her? This is a wild scene and I can’t believe Pat does this… It’s Chapter 13 and he doesn’t really clarify if he ever tells Achilles, but it seems to bring both of them some closure. Achilles for feeling betrayed over them sleeping together, and Diedreoamtis over knowing Achilles is going to leave and he’ll never see him again.

So the whole time she’s gone, in isolation because she’s pregant, the boys have to stay at this island palace. Thetis still wants to keep Achilles hidden and away from the war, so he has to keep pretending to be a woman and Pat has to keep pretending to be Chirondes, some random dude who lives there now.

One day, a ship comes. And it’s carrying Odysseus and Diomedes, who threaten to tell everyone Achilles has been crossdressing if he doesn’t come fight in this war. They ALSO drop a bomb that Thetis hasn’t told them the full prophecy.

Achilles will be the greatest warrior that ever lived if and only if he goes to fight in Troy. If he doesn’t, he will start losing his god powers and wither away and die old and useless and having never done anything with this life. Oh, ALSO? If he goes to Troy he’s going to die. He’ll die young and die a crazy famous hero.

WHAT THE FUCK??

I’m over here with Patroclus like… about to cry.

But Achilles can’t imagine a life withering away and not achieving greatness. Pat totally understands… so our boys are OFF TO WAR. But not before Patroclus goes up on a mountain to scream at Thetis like a little badass. I love how gentle he is. And how soft. Until he’s pissed off and then he’s the ballsiest dude ever— grabbing kings by their chins. Screaming at goddesses that hate him. He gets out of Thetis that there’s more to the prophecy. That Achilles will die if Hector dies first. So we don’t know who Hector is, but Patroclus is like “Okay now we gotta keep this asshole from dying.” Thetis has also gotta be touched at how much Pat cares about defying the prophecy and saving his boyfriend. But she is also so SO PISSED at mortal men.

Alright so our boys are off to war.

Everyone sails to Troy. When they get to the island before Troy, the wind just STOPS because apparently Artemis is pissed off that there’s about to be so much bloodshed. So the kings are like “Hey let’s have a wedding to appease the gods and make a big sacrifice with cows and stuff.” — One of the kings has his 14 year old daughter brought in. And she’s all excited, thinking she is going to marry Achilles (he agreed, because why the fuck not. They need that wind.) — and the kings fucking AMBUSH HER and KILL HER as a human sacrifice before she or Achilles knows what’s going on. And it traumatizes him for a good few days. Sweet baby has never seen anyone die before. So this war is off to a great start.

But Artemis, like a fucking weirdo, is like “Okay thanks for slaughtering that 14 year old. I’m done being pissed now. Enjoy your war.” So the wind comes back. And the war starts. And after a few days of wallowing, Achilles goes out there and does the thing. He’s even the first person to throw a spear and kill a Trojan, which is great for morale. Achilles and Patroclus realize pretty quickly that Achilles is totally made for war. He’s CRAZY GOOD AT IT. So whatever trauma he was getting over heals very quickly, and our boy becomes a killing machine overnight.

Achilles doesn’t enjoy the MURDER part of it. He never hurts anyone that is unarmed. Only people that are coming at him with the intention of killing him, but I think he’s pretty entertained at how easy this is for him. Like a game.

Patroclus, sweet baby, is forced to fight at some point. Everyone is generally cool with him being there as Achilles’ companion, but eventually he has to play soldier and get in there. The battle sounds terrifying. You feel like you’re right in there with Pat and the noise and the chaos. But no one can touch him. He realizes it’s because of Achilles. ANy time a man looks at Pat and runs at him, Achilles kills them easily. He basically just STANDS THERE the whole time and does nothing and I don’t blame him because that’s what I’d do too.

That’s not to say Pat is useless. He’s really good at surgery and being a doctor and volunteers in the tents. He also encourages Achilles to “claim maidens” aka young girls stolen from the villages they’ve plundered. Only when they get them back to the tent, they clean them up and feed them and make sure they’re safe. The first time he does this, it’s so cute. The girl doesn’t understand Greek so to show her that he means to harm, Patroclus grabs Achilles and kisses him like “See? I don’t want you” lol and she becomes his best friend in the camp beside Achilles. Learns Greek and hangs out with him while his boyfriend is off fighting. She helps more maidens that get brought into their group (all the soldiers are like DAMN Achilles, you horn dog) — having no idea he is hella gay and just saving all these women from THEM.

This war goes on for like 4 years. It’s rumored that Helen doesn’t even like her husband and ran away to Troy for safety. Pretty soon all of the guys get grumpy like WHY ARE WE EVEN HERE? THIS SUCKS!!

It’s also wild to think that Achilles and Pat are like 20 now. Wow.

MOTHER. FUCKER.

I finished this whole ass review/description for this book, and it was perfect, and then my ipad totally crapped out and DELETED IT ALL!!! AAUGHGHGUGHG that hasn’t happened to me in so long… I go through such incredible lengths to make sure I never lose any writing. I’m so gutted.

So here’s like a shitty, watered down version of the last 25% of this book as told by someone a WEEK after they finished it. AUGH!!!!!!! AUGUAGAHGHAUGAGUGH.

Basically… like…okay. This war goes on for fucking ever lol. All the soldiers are pissed. The gods are apparently infighting with each other over this. At one point it’s like, festival time and the humans piss off the gods by arguing with each other, so they put a plague on the war camp. The gods really suck, by the way. Greek gods are just straight up crazy people. Everyone is dying of these horribly painful boils, and Achilles and Argmennon get into an argmennement. Argemenon steals Briesis (original saved maiden) as a personal slight to Achilles, since she’s technically a war prize and apparently not a person? With thoughts and feelings? We’re all horrified.

Achilles starts to get real ego-driven. Pat is over here freaking out because his best friend just got kidnapped and will likely be raped and Achilles is all about his pride and says “Everyone is going to think I’m a weakling. ARGMENNON NEEDS TO APOLOGIZE FIRST!”

So Pat goes to Argemonon’s tent and says Achilles refuses to fight until he apologizes, and if he rapes or hurts Briesis in any way, Achilles is going to use that as an excuse to kill him. So Argmenon is like “Cool bro thanks for the heads up. Real cool of you to betray your boyfriend by telling me this.” and agrees not to hurt Briesis. Pat gets his attention, by the way, by SLITTING HIS WRIST and BLEEDING all over the tent saying “I swear on a blood oath that my words are true! If you hurt that woman Achilles WILL kill you!” And Argemennon is like “JESUS OKAY! I believe you, just STOP bleeding on all my shit!”

Pat goes back to Achilles, and Achilles is PISSED. (But also concerned over Pat’s wrist). He wanted Briesis to get hurt so he’d have an excuse to murder this guy – which again – Pat is just like, horrified by. I should also mention that at some point, Briesis confessed to Pat that she loves him, and wished she could be with him and have kids together. He is hella gay, but loves her like a sister best friend and just really wants to protect her. So Achilles goes on for a few weeks being a dick (Argemnon is also being a dick, but at least he’s not hurting Briesis) – and the Greeks are getting their asses handed to them by the Trojians because Achilles refuses to let his army fight.

Thetis shows up with more grim prophecies from the gods. Like “Achilles will only die after the best of the [M-word-for-their-country-of-origin] dies.” And Pat is like “Huh… you are the best of our men, though. What a weird riddle.” And I’m reading this like…sobbing.

Eventaully the Trojans break into the camp and start murdering everyone and burning the ships.

Pat is begging Achilles at this point (because by now it’s been like 10 years and we have women and children and families in here). He HAS to fight. But Achilles refuses. So Pat comes up with this idea…. “Well what if I put on your armor and pretend to be you, and inspire the men to fight and defend the camp? Then it’s like we rally the troops without you actually having to go back on your stupid, pointless pride?”

And Achilles goes…. “SURE!!”

(It’s more nuanced than that, and to his credit, Achilles is worried sick. Begs the chariot driver to just do a lap and come back ASAP) Normally he’s there to kill anyone who looks at Patroclus.

Pat is so cute wearing this armor, and totally does an incredible job pretending to be Achilles. He even kicks ass and kills a couple people, including this HUGE HULKING GENERAL even though Achilles begged him to not put himself in danger. Well Pat does really well, but ends up dying in battle. Hector kills him. The best of the M-word-country-of-origins is dead.

The soldiers manage to bring his body back, but Achilles DOES NOT TAKE THIS WELL.

Just like… totally unhinged broken, hugging the body in his bed all night. Inconsolable. When they finally get him to let go of Pat’s body and have a funeral, Briesis tears into him and says what we’re all thinking: “Dude he’s only dead because of your pride. Everyone loves this kid. He’s like the nicest, sweetest, cutest dude in this camp. He knew everyone’s name. He delivered all the babies. Like. He only went out there because he wanted to protect us and you were too busy being a prideful dick trying to make a point and HE’S DEAD AND I HATE YOU AND AAHAHHHHHH!!!!” and Achilles is like “I KNOW!!! DON’T YOU THINK I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING MURDERED NOW? Bring on the prophecy. I’m done. I’m so fucking done. Let’s do this. Where’s my sword?”

So Achilles spends the next few days being a fucking demon on the battlefield. He murders a great many important people, including injuring a river god. Like he’s just unstoppable. He kills Hector. Then… weirdly… drags his body behind the chariot and like… drags it around camp for a few days. FOR A FEW DAYS. Just beating it up for funnies. Like a crazy person.

Eventually though, he gets shot by Paris with a special arrow from Apollo. And he dies.

All of this is relayed to us by Pat, by the way, who has been here all this time as a spirit. In Greek mythology, you can’t pass on to the underworld until you get 1. A funeral and 2. A tombstone. Everyone knew Achilles was going to die eventually, so they put his ashes with Patroclus’ ashes (as he requested). Pat wonders if he can feel it when their ashes are combined, but he can’t. He can’t see Achilles until they’re both in the underworld.

So one day this little piece of shit named Pyyros comes to the camp. He is Achilles’ son that Thetis stole and raised to be a bloodthirsty asshole away from humans. And he’s basically Geoffrey. He’s also, hypothetically, what Achilles could have been if he wasn’t raised by his father and grew up with someone sweet like Patroclus.

Pyyros is 12, but he’s like… horrible. With his help, they eventually topple Troy. But he also wants to rape all the women in the camp, and when Briesis runs, he kills her with a spear. HATE HIM. Also?? When the kings ask him what he wants to do with Achilles and Patroclus’ grave, he’s like “Fuck Patroclus. Leave him off the tombstone. He’s a nobody.”

So ghost Pat is like… HORRIFIED. This means he’ll be trapped on earth forever. He haunts Odysseus’ dreams and begs him to try to change this kid’s mind, and he tries, but fails.

So the book ends with Ghost Patroclus sitting (and sobbing) by Achilles’ grave, watching tourists come and pay their respects for months or possibly even years. Meanwhile, Pyyros gets murdered on the ship home becasue the kings collectively decide he’s an asshole. I’m glad everyone can agree on something for once. Like murdering this awful demon child.

Thetis shows up and talks to Pat. She’s still cold, but oddly remorseful. She asks Pat to tell her everything he remembers about Achilles. And Pat gushes for paragraphs and paragraphs about all of their happy memories. And the great, kind person Achilles was before he got tainted by war and the promise of greatness. Thetis probbaly has a growth moment, realizing HEY maybe there’s more to life than training your kids to be unstoppable killing machines. This whole final chapter is so sweet. Patroclus, despite everything, loves Achilles so much. And Achilles, even though his ego got in his way near the end there, really always loved Patroclus. He never wanted him to get hurt or be put in danger.

Thetis surprises Pat by writing his name on the tombstone next to Achilles’, and he gets transported to the underworld immediately. And there he reunites with Achilles, and that’s the end of the story.

Here’s that excerpt:

“I have done it,” she says.

At first I do not understand. But then I see the tomb, and the marks she has made on the stone. ACHILLES, it reads. And beside it, PATROCLUS.

“Go,” she says. “He waits for you.”

IN THE DARKNESS, two shadows, reaching through the hopeless, heavy dusk. Their hands meet, and light spills in a flood like a hundred golden urns pouring out the sun.

When I picked up this book, I didn’t know it was a retelling of the Iliad. And my stupid uncultured ass had never read the Iliad. But what the author did that was so cool was she took a character, Patroclus, who was pretty minor in the original story, and wrote the book from his perspective. And blew out this whole beautiful romance between him and Achilles, when apparently this is only speculated in the ancient text (But I mean… Achilles going berserk with anger after Pat gets killed is pretty telling).

In my original review, I wrote that I had a little trouble connecting to the characters. I think just because of all the formal ancient-speak. But after a week of thinking on it, I take that back. I really love how pure Patroclus is. He’s just so GOOD and so sweet and gentile in a world that is raw and barbaric and cruel. You experience the outrage with him. This feeling of standing around a war wondering why we’re even fucking doing this when Helen doesn’t want to be rescued at all. It’s just an excuse for a bunch of men to flex their power and get a bunch of people killed.

I like Achilles a little more now that I’ve had time to percolate on him. He’s dealing with having been primed for greatness since birth, and taught to seek his value in that. Also, he was told his choices were basically to persue greatness or wither away into uselessness. So of course he got really prideful and easily insulted near the end there. It was hella shitty that he was willing to have Briesis and a bunch of innocent people killed to make his point. That was where he messed up. And that’s why Pat became almost like… a sacrifice for that decision. Which Achilles was properly devastated by.

These boys love each other so much and feel so star crossed in a world that feels determined to ruin it for them. I loved the last chapter where Pat and Thetis have a heart to heart and she shows him a great kindness by writing his name on the tombstone. I just loved that.

I’m still going to give this book a 6.5 out of 10, but I really did enjoy it. There were just some parts that were hard to get through because I was so frustrated by the arrogance of Achilles and the kings!!!!

Deadass Rating: 6.5/10

Unofficial theme song: “The King” by Lor

#madeline miller #song of achilles #achilles #patroclus #achilles x patroclus #patrochilles #book recommendations #book reviews #deadass book review #book review #deadass book reviews

12 notes · View notes

fangaminghell · 1 year

Text

Totally Normal Au thoughts.

Leo is a mess. But what else is new.

Team Meteor is one of the biggest companies in Reborn. They've almost formed a monopoly, if it weren't for the likes of Ame and her own company.

Leo isn't actually a part of either in this au. He works at a smaller company, to keep that "normal" exterior.

It's actually where he meets Cain, who has a rumor going around that he used to work for Ame.

Cain and Leo become friends, naturally. Though they both are secretive about their respective pasts. Neither of them push the other of course. They both understand wanting the past to stay in the past.

There's other rumors going around Cain but we don't need to worry about that.

Cain loves flirting with Leo , as in canon , and Leo is not flustered by it at all. Nope. Not one bit.

The kids obliviously aren't working for any company. They're kids. But given they all have ties to people who do, it's natural they get into shenanigans ™.

I'm just remembering that this au involved Leo hiding his psychic powers so there's gotta be something supernatural afoot.

Maybe since this is inspired by mob psycho 100, there's spirits running around? Leo can sense them but is actively looking away. He sees nothing. He is Normal.

Anna however definitely sees these spirits and is actively looking at them. She is getting involved and dragging her friends with her.

Leo is unfortunate to, somehow, constantly be around when the kids are up to something.

I think Lin in this au is either a human taken by the spirits and practically becomes one with it. Or she is a spirit herself. Probably the latter.

Okay going to Meteor. Taka is obviously the heir to the company and is obviously not thrilled about it.

Maybe, unlike in the mermaid au, team meteor wants all the spirits to be released, going back to the "natural order of things". This is bad for a whole lot of reasons.

This is definitely a conspiracy in the background. I can see Shelly and Heather trying to sneak into the company to get done info, since Cal and Corey work in the company. Not sure about Radmodus though.

Anyway who cares about secret conspiracies, we only care about the romantic drama lmao.

Leo meets Taka and Cal, individually, by chance. Taka was in incognito mode, since he's kinda forced to present differently when in public with his father or anyone in team meteor( Company Meteor?). Their first meeting is incredibly awkward, but still very charming. They keep meeting by chance after that, which then resulted in the two just hanging out together. This does NOT evoke feelings within Leo. Nope, nu-uh, nada.

Cal probably has a bit more edge to him. Honestly I can semi see Cal being distrustful of Leo, assuming he's the one causing Shelly to get into Meteor's business. So they don't get off on the best terms ( poor Leo does not want any part of this and now he has a guy who hates him). The only way I can see them developing their relationship is exactly how everything goes in this au: Leo meeting up with him by chance. Many times. They definitely have teamed up to get Shelly and co out of trouble. But again. Leo DOES NOT have feelings for this man!!!! He is as straight as an arrow!!!!! And he's not a psychic either!!!!

I feel like they both just look at each other and go " oh hey his hairs dyed".

Okay more drama. Leo's self sabotage. I feel like Leo effectively "ruins" ( I put this in quotation marks cause it's not really permanent, but it does lead to them not talking for a while) his relationship with his future bf trio. Especially when he finds out everything going on with Taka and Company Meteor and stuff. He desperately clings onto this need to be Normal that not only is he regretting his homosexuality , but also the part of him that actually wants to get involved and help out in any way he can. He's too scared to take that step, so he attempts to burn the bridges while he can.

In doing that, his psychic powers become more and more hard to keep down, to the point where it physically hurts him to do so.

He's constantly on the verge of a breakdown, and what's worse is that he might be attacking spirits too bc of it.

Thinking about a very betrayed, sad and angry, but above all heartbroken bf trio is just *chef kiss*. It hurts so much, I love it.

This probably applies to Shelly and co too. Maybe Leo snaps at them to leave him alone or stop the bullshit. Again, the self sabotage is strong in this one.

I don't know exactly how to incorporate Suraya, Blair n Lilith and Richard in this au. That's always the hard part, since I tend to make them Leo centric. If anyone has any ideas pls share!

And yeah! Normal au so far!

#oc: leo ✨

6 notes · View notes

ninja-go-to-therapy · 1 year

Note

Psychonauts/Ninjago crossover. What zany shenanigans do you think would happen?

Using my incredible extensive knowledge on psychonauts I believe they would all bond over their respective homosexual polycules

#kat answers #razzle-zazzle #sleepover #sleepover: the sleepening #tumblr sleepover

2 notes · View notes

troublemakerfm · 2 years

Text

* & . 〔 tom holland, demiboy, he/they 〕 anderson “andy” katz is a twenty-five year old human known to be playful and energetic, yet unpredictable and obnoxious at the same time. rumor has it they’re a civilian — you’d never guess it when you see them at dine on a dime working as a waiter. apparently they’re always listening to burning pile by mother mother, which makes sense since they kind of also remind me of running away from your problems, chipped black nail polish, and not wanting to become your parents.

BASIC INFO

name: anderson katz nicknames: andy, and age: 25 gender & pronouns: demiboy, he/they sexuality: homosexual occupation: currently a waiter at dine on dime, but is typically in and out of jobs a lot

BIO

andy was raised by his parents, elias katz and liliana katz (nee campbell). they were high school sweethearts who were practically inseparable, despite their parents’ disapproval, until they graduated, when their relationship began to break down.

elias was in and out of liliana’s life after this, running away from his problems only to return when he missed her.

elias and liliana had their first child, evelyn (who was entered into project echo), as an attempt to fix their relationship. it worked for a short while, but they soon returned to their unhealthy relationship. only this time, elias was abandoning his child, too, leaving liliana to take care of their superpowered child alone.

andy was born five years later (a final attempt to make their relationship work), and both children were treated horribly by their parents. elias was still in and out, absent more than he was present, and liliana so focused on her own career that neither of the children received the care they needed. both felt like the least favourite child - andy feeling overshadowed by evie, and evie feeling under pressure to not only take care of her younger sibling, but also dealing with her powers and her parents’ rejection.

despite this, the two were incredibly close. they were all each other had, after all, and they were a team.

as evie grew into her powers, she began illegal vigilantism, and eventually went missing while patrolling.

the family were devastated. elias left for good, leaving lily and andy alone to mourn.

andy was practically a different person after that. they’d once had straight a’s but were now barely showing up for class. when they did, they were only there to cause trouble and play the class clown. they quickly gained a bad reputation with their teachers, who eventually gave up with their shenanigans. they were in detention more than they were out of it.

they were just as much trouble outside of school, searching for the rush of adrenaline in any way they could get it. from slipping a candy bar into his pocket in the store, to breaking into a public swimming pool in the middle of the night. and usually, only narrowly not getting caught increased the thrill.

their first love came when they were 15 years old in the form of a boy they sat next to in class. much like his parents’s relationship, they fell hard and fast, and were soon attached at the hip. it was three years before they fell apart too. one serious argument was all it took for andy to break things off, too afraid of becoming his parents to risk staying in the relationship.

when he finished school, he travelled the country alone. it was for the adventure, he told everyone. he wasn’t running, he was exploring. he wasn’t hiding. he wasn’t looking for escape. it was for fun, he said, nothing more than that. it was lonely, though, on the road by himself.

he eventually decided to settle down again. start a band, make some new friends, get a job (or three, or ten, or... he wasn’t very good at staying in one place), and travel when he had the option, maybe it was finally time. so he settled in new york, trying to put his past behind him and live out a normal life.

MISC

lives for the Chaos tm

great with kids!

gay

has random and stupid tattoos like a fish on their finger, probably has a meme tattooed on them somewhere, wanted the stick-man and trampoline on their hand and was distraught when they found out palm tattoos don’t last (they like to draw it on their hand instead), definitely has something tattooed on their ass

he/they pronouns, non-binary, gnc clothing style

would pierce your ears for u

would probably do your makeup for you too (it wouldn’t be good)

a Bad Influence

my bio makes him sound sad and depressed all the time but i Swear he is but a Chaos Gremlin, three raccoons in a trenchcoat, a mere meme of a human being

WANTED CONNECTIONS

i left evie’s powers and what happened to her vague on purpose in case anyone wants to bring her in, so pls i would love to see her here <3

ex boyfriend - could be the one from high school mentioned in andy’s bio, or could be another ex boyfriend connection

#dhq:intro #pinned.#about.

12 notes · View notes

ladysunamireads · 2 years

Text

Nighttime Shenanigans

Nighttime Shenanigans by Homosexuality at its finest

Moving into the dorms after the disastrous summer camp was a big adjustment for everyone. Teachers had to adjust to the fact of being on shift almost 24/7 since they now had the responsibility of keeping twenty children under their constant supervision. As for the students they had to adjust to living with their classmates and teachers alike.

At first it was the major things they had to adjust to, such as Bakugou having a self imposed bedtime, always asleep by 8pm on the dot, or how they had to schedule who cooked dinners, because some people couldn't even use a toaster, let alone the oven. All in all, for twenty teenagers living together with a teacher who often barely had his shit together, things were going incredibly well.

There were still mistakes here and there, such as allergies coming up, personal preferences and more, but as it neared a month in the dorms, almost everything had been smoothed out.

Then the sleepwalking started.

Words: 1998, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 8 of Homo's One-Shots and Two-Shots

Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: Gen

Characters: Midoriya Izuku, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Class 1-A

Relationships: Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead & Midoriya Izuku, Class 1-A & Midoriya Izuku, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead & Class 1-A

Additional Tags: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Sleepwalking, Shinsou Hitoshi Replaces Mineta Minoru, Shinsou Hitoshi is in Class 1-A, Cryptid Midoriya Izuku, Chaotic Midoriya Izuku, Parental Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead is So Done, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead is a Good Teacher, Class 1-A Shenanigans, Class 1-A as Family, Author Is Sleep Deprived, i actually have a beta

Read Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/43535247

#AO3 Feed #FanFiction #AO3 Izuku #♠#Izuku Midoriya #Aizawa Shouta #BNHA #🐰#R:T #Dadzawa #A:Homosexuality

2 notes · View notes

ao3feed-izuku-midoriya · 2 years

Text

Nighttime Shenanigans

Nighttime Shenanigans by Homosexuality at its finest

There were still mistakes here and there, such as allergies coming up, personal preferences and more, but as it neared a month in the dorms, almost everything had been smoothed out.

Then the sleepwalking started.

Words: 1998, Chapters: 1/1, Language: English

Series: Part 8 of Homo's One-Shots and Two-Shots

Fandoms: 僕のヒーローアカデミア | Boku no Hero Academia | My Hero Academia

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: Gen

Characters: Midoriya Izuku, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead, Class 1-A

Relationships: Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead & Midoriya Izuku, Class 1-A & Midoriya Izuku, Aizawa Shouta | Eraserhead & Class 1-A

Read Here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/43535247

#AO3 Feed #FanFiction #AO3 Izuku #♦#Izuku Midoriya #Aizawa Shouta #R:T #A:Homosexuality #Dadzawa

4 notes · View notes

ronance-rat · 8 months

Text

henry, edward, jekyll and hyde - and soteria and brenner etc

something i find interesting about the henry/edward creel thing, in connection to henry jekyll and edward hyde, is how soteria can be representative of the drug jekyll uses to origionally transform into hyde, then how it no longer works the same, and is used to prevent him from becoming hyde towards the end of the book.

an idea i have is that similar to edward creel being henry creel’s “hyde”, brenner used this soteria drug to access that side of him, basically that henry is ultimately innocent as (unlike the book where dr jekyll becomes hyde on purpose through his own scientific inventions and falls to temptation) it was brenner acting as the scientist tempted by discovery.

also interesting how there is the whole iffy-ness about how vecna / the murderer at the lab massacre takes so much pleasure in interacting with his victims, as in the book jekyll explores his incredibly hedonistic side and is then free to indulge in his desires through hyde, though these desires turn ultimately violent and murderous after hyde grows in power from jekyll’s overuse of the drug.

my idea generally is that brenner brought out this dark side of henry, and had to take measures to hold it back, and once the bad is set free by el, well:

“my devil had long been caged, he came out roaring” as jekyll writes in the final chapter - essentially the brutality that was the massacre at hawkins lab.

the book is a huge commentary on the time period and the damage done by society’s enforced repression of unseemly characteristics and identities and actions, and stevenson uses the ideas of new sciences appearing in the victorian era to stir the already present fear of the unknown by the public.

overall, the whole duality of man and possible two sides of “one” or henry or whoever i should call the person is so interesting to explore with knowledge of the strange case of doctor jekyll and mr hyde, and i strongly recommend any henward enthusiasts to read and reasearch

( + for any creelarke shippers, there is a whole lot of subtext on homosexuality in the characters, as it was a hugely frowned uppon topic in the heavily religious victorian london society, and so stevenson explored the effect of the subsequent repression in the book - there is so much about it if you keep looking out for it when reading its so funny (eg the back door shenanigans) )

also the whole change in jamie campell’s hair and mannerisms (when he is acting evil or whatever) connects to how jekyll has a physical transformation into hyde (shrinking and becoming “deformed” when he first became him, and hyde then becoming larger and stronger when he grows in power and control over jekyll)

#rats and rants #henward #edward creel

0 notes

trendingfact01 · 2 years

Text

Is Luca Free on Disney Plus? Watch Pixar’s ‘Luca’ on Disney+ Right Now for Free!

There are many things to watch on Disney+, and more new series and films are coming shortly. Cruella was recently made available on Disney+ via Premier Access. Today, though, you may view the most recent Disney and Pixar movie for free. Luca, the newest animated film from Disney and Pixar, is now available on Disney+. The “perfect summer movie” has arrived. Pack your bags for #PixarLuca, now streaming on @DisneyPlus. pic.twitter.com/uqYLjJYqDY — Pixar (@Pixar) June 18, 2021 Similarly to Disney and Pixar's Soul, Luca is completely free to view for all Disney+ users (no Premier Access or additional cost necessary). Not really certain what Luca is about? The plot of the film follows Luca, a juvenile sea monster, as he spends an incredible summer on the Italian Riviera. View the film's trailer below. This summer, visit Portorosso. 🏖️ Watch the new trailer for #PixarLuca, streaming June 18 only on @DisneyPlus. pic.twitter.com/h27MTBS8aS — Pixar (@Pixar) April 28, 2021 It appears that Luca spends a considerable amount of time above the water engaging in various shenanigans with his companions. How to Watch Pixar’s ‘Luca’ on Disney+ In 2006, The Walt Disney Company purchased Pixar for a staggering $7.4 billion (more than both Marvel Studios and Lucasfilm). Since then, the animation company has produced success after hit for the Mouse House with little difficulty. To the displeasure of Pixar employees, with the introduction of Disney+ and the pandemic-induced shutdown of theatres, an increasing amount of Pixar content has been redirected directly to streaming. Luca, starring Jacob Tremblay and Jack Dylan Grazer and directed by Enrico Casarosa, is the most recent film in this series. The film is set in a picturesque coastal town on the Italian Riviera and is about a young boy's coming-of-age during a memorable summer filled with gelato, spaghetti, and endless scooter rides. Luca enjoys these experiences with his new best buddy, but all the enjoyment is endangered by a closely guarded secret: just beneath the water's surface lurk sea creatures from another world. Read More: Black Widow: When is Black Widow Free on Disney Plus? Luca‘s Disney+ Premiere Date Luca will bypass all theatres and premiere exclusively on Disney+ on June 18. Recently, Disney declared that its high-profile original Disney+ TV shows will debut on Wednesdays instead of Fridays, following Loki's example. Disney+ original films and Disney+ Premier Access titles will continue to be released on Fridays. So, now you've got your weekend planned. Is Luca a Disney+ Premier Access Title? In contrast to Mulan, Raya and the Last Dragon, Cruella, and Black Widow, Luca is not available via Disney+ Premier Access. These films needed a Disney+ subscription as well as an extra $30 PVOD fee to see. But Luca, like Soul before it, will be made available to Disney+ customers at no additional cost. How to Watch Luca on Disney+ In contrast to Mulan, Raya and the Last Dragon, Cruella, and Black Widow, Luca is not available via Disney+ Premier Access. These films needed a Disney+ subscription as well as an extra $30 PVOD fee to see. But Luca, like Soul before it, will be made available to Disney+ customers at no additional cost. Disney Plus Subscribers Won't Need Premiere Access to Watch 'Luca' Luca, the newest animated film from Disney and Pixar, will premiere on June 18. Young mer-boy Luca and his best buddy Alberto are intrigued about life above water in the new title. Together, they transform into people in order to visit the coastal village of Portorosso, embarking on an adventurous summer journey. The film has already generated much discussion. Initially, there was conjecture that the primary protagonist, Luca, is homosexual (though the director denies that). Enrico Casarosa, the film's director, remarked, "I was particularly eager to discuss friendship before girlfriends and boyfriends complicate matters." The film launches on Friday, June 18 on Disney Plus after a lengthy wait. But will fans be need to pay to access it, as they have for some of Disney's earlier film premieres, or is Luca available for free? Do you have to pay to watch 'Luca' on Disney Plus? Since the COVID-19 epidemic temporarily closed the majority of movie theatres across the nation, Disney used a different method when distributing the majority of their new films. In lieu of a theatrical release, Disney Plus subscribers had the opportunity to stream new films for $30 each, granting them unlimited access to see the film before it became accessible to all subscribers. The streaming company implemented this for highly anticipated films such as the live-action Mulan and Raya and the Last Dragon, which fared well upon their debut. Fortunately, it appears that Disney is eliminating the premiere access option for Luca, meaning that anybody with a Disney Plus subscription will be able to view the film on June 18 without paying extra. It is presently unknown why Disney chose this path for Luca. Those who insist on viewing the animated film in a cinema can do so at the El Capitan Theatre in Los Angeles. One week following the premiere, this chance will only be offered to properly vaccinated residents of the region. After then, the film will continue to be accessible on Disney Plus. A subscription to Disney Plus costs $7.99 per month, with an annual subscription available for $79.99. What time will 'Luca' be released on Disney Plus? Since the title is being published via a streaming service, any viewer with the devotion (or willpower) to stay up late may watch it as soon as it becomes available. Frequent movie premieres on streaming platforms have increased the frequency of staying up late to see new releases as they occur. It is expected that Luca will debut on Disney Plus on June 18 at midnight PST, meaning that viewers on the East Coast would have to stay up until 3 a.m. to watch it when it premieres. Once it debuts, everyone with a Disney Plus subscription will be able to stream the film, and there is no additional barrier to streaming Luca due to the absence of a premium for premiere access. While this is the only Pixar film to be released this year, the animation studio has several films scheduled for release in 2022. Last Lines Luca, the newest animated film from Disney and Pixar, is now available on Disney+. The film is set in a picturesque coastal town on the Italian Riviera. It stars Jacob Tremblay and Jack Dylan Grazer as a young boy's coming-of-age. Luca, the newest animated film from Disney and Pixar, will premiere on June 18. The film has already generated much discussion. Will fans be need to pay to access it, as they have for some of Disney's earlier film premieres? Or is Luca available for free? 'Luca' will debut on Disney Plus on June 18 at midnight PST. A subscription to Disney Plus costs $7.99 per month, with an annual subscription available for $79.99. While this is the only Pixar film released this year, the animation studio has several films scheduled for release in 2022. Read the full article

0 notes

julie-loves-cake · 3 years

Text

I know the Hypno’s Lullaby mod is incredibly dark, but all I can think of is ghost shenanigans with Boyfriend, Girlfriend, and Gold

Girlfriend: Can ghosts eat?

Gold: Maybe

Boyfriend: GF

Girlfriend:

Girlfriend: OH SHIT

Gold: ???

Boyfriend: GARCELLO HOLY FUCK

Gold: OH THAT GUY

Girlfriend: GHOST MCDONALD’S!!!

*****

Hypno: My recent victims won’t shut the fuck up

Boyfriend & Girlfriend: *In an angry tone* GAY GAY HOMOSEXUAL GAY GAY HOMOSEXUAL GET RID OF US YOU FUCKING PUSSY

*****

Gold: *In Unown* Boobs lol

Boyfriend: You’re literally 11 what the fuck

*****

Girlfriend: I’m gonna go haunt my ex ‘kay bye

Boyfriend: Wait, I have a better idea

Girlfriend: Huh?

Boyfriend: Let’s haunt Monster

Girlfriend:

Girlfriend: You son of a bitch I’m in!

*****

Garcello: Holy shit you’re ghosts now

Girlfriend: Wanna go haunt my dad

Garcello: Sure

*****

Hypno: GO AWAY

Girlfriend: *turns into a shambling pile of mush and bones, giggling like a madman* You wrought this sinner

Boyfriend: *Fucking turns into those things from Pibby* SUCK MY WEEN

Hypno: LEAVE ME ALONE BOYFRIEND AND GIRLFRIEND YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE DEAD

Boyfriend & Girlfriend: *Fucking sprints towards him* SO YOU THINK YOU CAN STONE US AND SPIT IN OUR EYES

Hypno: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

*****

Hypno: The fucking ghosts of my victims are driving me crazy

Imposter: Tell me about it

Hypno: Why?

Imposter: Because I can see them. They’re right behind you.

Hypno: OH GOD

*****

Girlfriend: Yo wanna see Tanner and Marie to see if they can help us ascend or something

Boyfriend: Better idea

Boyfriend: Let’s go to King

Girlfriend:

Girlfriend: I fucking love you so much

Gold: Can I come too

#friday night funkin #shitpost #fnf shitpost #fnf boyfriend #fnf girlfriend #fnf lullaby #Friday night lullaby #lost silver

126 notes · View notes

ikariokami · 2 years

Note

Alright, I'll bite. Ash and Jason, go

:0 Thank you so much for the ask! I’m genuinely surprised anyone is interested in hearing my insane ramblings about this rarepair. It may be a bit long so apologies in advance.

CW : Use of the F-Slur, mentions of homophobia, blood, canon-typical violence

The main pillar I prop this ship upon is the Freddy vs Jason vs Ash comics (herein shortened to FvJvA). For anyone that doesn’t know, FvJvA was a script originally written as the sequel to the 2003 film Freddy vs Jason. When it didn’t make it anywhere near development, it was turned into a six part comic series instead. The plot, in short, is about Freddy using Jason to get the necronomicon to release himself from Jason’s head (where he’s been trapped since the end of the last movie). Ash, of course, doesn’t want evil to get its hands on the book. Shenanigans ensue.

It is definitely a product of it’s time but is also an incredibly interesting read when you go into it with the idea that Ash is a disaster bisexual and Jason is hopelessly smitten with him at first sight. I know that may sound like a weird read but hear me out.

From the moment Jason meets Ash, he pays particularly close attention to him, even going as far as to memorize his name after seeing his name tag at a glance. Also, throughout the comic, Freddy constantly calls Jason a fag either directly or through controlled delusions. This is a story where Freddy is trapped in Jason’s head and privy to all of his thoughts and secrets. It stands to reason that Freddy could be poking at it so much because he knows for a fact that Jaaon is gay. The reason why Freddy calling Jason a fag bothers him so much isn’t because he isn’t gay, it’s because he knows he is and Jason isn’t someone that has any negative connotations surrounding homosexuality. (Put a pin in that, we’ll come back to it).

It also should be noted that Jason never makes a direct effort to kill Ash. Every time he has the opportunity, he opts for incapacitating him instead. The following pages take place directly after Jason has slaughtered his way through an entire S-Mart to get to Ash and the book. Even when Ash draws first blood, Jason tosses him away instead of trying to fight him head on with his machete.

As for Ash, he has his own repressed feelings that have compounded into internalized homophobia. He also throws around his share of homophobic insults in this series, one of which is directed at Jason. I like to think that Ash is attracted to Jason but obviously doesn’t want to admit it to himself. When Ash and the gang try to ambush Jason with a trap, Jason sees through it and doesn’t go for the bait. Ash later notes that he’s clearly not as stupid as everyone says he is. This is what prompts Ash to later try reasoning with Jason in the final fight with Freddy.

Also, Freddy outright calls Ash Jason’s boyfriend in this wonderful scene.

When it comes to Ash and Jason’s relationship outside of the comics, I believe they have a lot of potential to grow together.

As mentioned before, Jason doesn’t think being gay is wrong. His life was cut short before he could really get a sense of the world. As a result, he didn’t grow up learning traditional gender roles or inheriting typically masculine traits. All of Jason’s ideas about sex and intimacy come from the people that trespass on his land and what he observes in nature.

On the other hand, Ash grew up with a toxic father in a small Michigan town where he was inundated with the expectation to “be a real man”. As his relationship with Jason goes from enemies to friends to lovers, Ash is going to struggle a lot with his identity and sexuality. When they do get to a place where they’re more comfortable with each other, Jason would become the only person Ash has ever truly been himself with.

But of course, Ash is a massive coward and Jason has zero relationship experience beyond the familial so it will take them quite some time to work through both their issues before they get anywhere close to romantic intimacy.

There’s also the stark contrast in their personalities that makes their dynamic even more fun. Jason never speaks/Ash never shuts up, Jason is reserved and inexperienced sexually/Ash is a playboy with plenty of life experience. There’s also the fact that both of them lost their mother at a young age and know what it’s like to be shunned by the people around them. So while they’re both wildly different people, they have more in common than they realize and can understand each other better than anyone else.

I’ve been working on a fic about their relationship post-comic in which Ash returns to Crystal Lake in spring to retrieve the necronomicon (trapped beneath the frozen lake with Jason at the end of FvJvA). Jason has no need for the book so he simply gives it back to Ash, sparking an unusual friendship.

I’m surprised by the number of people interested in this niche little ship! I was already prepared to create content for an audience of two (me and my wife) but it’s nice to see other people can also appreciate my favorite rare pair. As an fyi, I’ve taken to calling the ship Ashees and tag content of them on my blog as such.

If anyone cares to see more of them, I’ll definitely be posting fics - snippets, ficlets, headcannons, one shots AND multi-chapter stories - as well as drawing plenty of fan art for these two on this blog. I also make content for my other OTP, Ghostmyers and my secondary ship, Myerhees. Also other general slasher things.

If you made it all the way through this, thank you for reading!

#thank you so much for the ask!!!#evil dead #friday the 13th #ash williams #jason voorhees #my ramblings #ashees #Kinksheriff #slashers #horror

16 notes · View notes

vizowrites · 3 years

Text

My BlitzStrike Twins: Headcanons and Shenanigans~ [probably with a bit of my M&M kids thrown in just for fun]

So today I got a couple of fantastic asks about Blitz and Striker as parents, and since there seemed to be a pretty positive response to them--and because @helluva-simp is amazing and encouraged me to be brave enough to write this up--I thought I’d go ahead and make a full post of my headcanons for these two little devils. I really do love the hell out of them and hope you guys enjoy hearing about them too!! <3 <3

Twist’s and Ty’s full names are Twister and Typhoon but literally nobody calls them by their full names ever so they like to make the joke of “the ‘-er’ and the ‘-phoon’ are silent”

Ty is actually the older of the two [though not by much] but everyone thinks that Twist is because his name is always called first. It’s always “Twist and Ty” [or just collectively “Twist-Ty”] instead of “Ty and Twist”. Ty honestly doesn’t mind that much as far as following after his brother goes, just don’t make the mistake of trying to label him as the younger of the two. There are a lot of things Ty’s perfectly content to let Twist take the lead in, but having the title of “the older twin” is just going too far.

Twist and Ty are mirror twins, meaning that they’re mostly identical except for a few key things: 1. Twist is left handed and Ty is right handed, 2. they both have heterochromia but Twist’s eyes are Left: Red | Right: Green-Gold whereas Ty’s eyes are Left: Green-Gold | Right: Red, 3. Twist has a birthmark on his right hand and Ty has his birthmark on his left hand--and yes when you put the two marks together, they form a design not unlike the heart shaped one on Blitz’s forehead :)

Both of the twins are incredibly agile, but Twist is faster and Ty is more flexible

Striker affectionately calls Twist “Whirlwind” because of said fastness

Blitz affectionately calls Ty “Noodle” because of said flexibility

.....Though it should be noted that it’s not all fun and games because Twist is CONSTANTLY crashing into things or tripping over his own two feet from going too fast, and Ty is so flexible that he’s able to contort himself into positions that honestly make both of his parents throw up a little in their mouths with the split-second panic of “OH GOD OUR BABY WAS BORN WITHOUT BONES!!” DX DX They’re both usually just fine tho!! :D

As noted in an earlier post--but I want to say it here too--Twist’s first word was “Bang!” and Ty’s first word was “Fuck!” Twist was the first one to talk, though, and it made Striker and Blitz second guess the context of his first word by the time Ty said his. XD

Another thing that was noted in another post but I want to put it here too is that Twist and Ty have incredibly high self esteem and both Striker and Blitz wouldn’t have it any other way

Twist is dyslexic and so gets easily frustrated when he has to read a book, but he love love LOVES the hell out of stories.....and so Ty is almost constantly making up random stories to tell him

This actually also works out well in Ty’s favor because Ty’s attention span is about as short as Blitz’s patience and he has a lot more fun telling stories than he does sitting still long enough to read the ones that other people made up unless it’s a book about something he’s reeeeeeally interested in

It’s also made Ty hella good at bullshitting on the fly, which I think most of the older/adult members of his family wish he was a lot less convincing at

Twist knows how to lie and is a natural at acting, but his flair for the over-dramatics tends to give him a way a lot easier than his twin

They both have what I’m calling a “hierarchy of obedience” within their family which really translates into a range of “eh I can think about maybe listening to this person sometimes” to “oh SHIT I need to listen to this person 5 fucking minutes ago”. For Twist, his hierarchy of obedience is: Millie --> Blitz --> Striker --> Loona --> Moxxie. For Ty, his hierarchy of obedience is: Loona --> Millie --> Blitz --> Striker.....and Moxxie doesn’t even make the list for him because honestly I’m pretty sure Ty just naturally tunes him out most of the time and not even fully on purpose. As he puts it: “You just have one of those voices”. XD

Ty can sleep literally anywhere and on anything. I’m pretty sure there have been mornings where Blitz and Striker have to play the game of 'Where the hell is my kid??' because they THOUGHT that he went to sleep in his bed like their other child did but NOPE they go into their room in the morning to get them out of bed and are just like, “.....Twist where the hell is your brother??” and Twist just gives an innocent shrug and says, “I don’t know--probably on the roof or something.” u3u and goes out into the kitchen to make himself breakfast--and then two seconds later Blitz and Striker hear him calling out “NEVER MIND! HE’S IN THE OVEN!!” and that starts off a whole new kind of panic because they know damn well that Twist’s favorite thing to have for breakfast is cinnamon rolls XD

Twist’s laughter is infectious--this really cute witch-like cackling that just bubbles out of him in the most adorably genuine way when he’s that delighted about someting

Ty does this adorable thing where--when he sticks his tongue out at someone--he flicks it in a very snake-like fashion and even gives the tiniest of hisses in lieu of a raspberry when he does it

Ty also manages to twist himself into the most uncomfortable-looking positions when he sleeps but rest assured, he’s never been more comfy

Twist’s tail never stays still. It is constaintly flicking to and fro, back and forth, swishing and swirling like a cat’s tail, and he loves flicking it in front of people’s faces to get their attention

Twist in general doesn’t really stay still very often but the one time he did was when Ty broke his arm--and then he spent almost every moment of the day and night plastered to his side because he knew it was driving Ty crazy not being as mobile as he usually is while having to wear a cast

The twins really don’t ever go that far apart from each other. If you look and only see the one, you can rest assured that the other one is around somewhere nearby and it’s probably not a good sign for you if you can only see the one.

Ty is much more of a biter when it comes to self-defense and Twist always goes straight to using his claws

Twist is the outwardly more protective twin and is vicious with his words when defending his brother. He will force every last ounce of moisture out of your body from how hard he makes you cry.

Ty, on the other hand, will fuck you up hard physically if you try to hurt his twin--and Lucifer himself would not be able to save you if you actually do hurt his twin

As they get older, and their sexualities and gender develop and grow, Twist would discover that he’s a nonbinary he/they homosexual panromantic and Ty would discover that he’s a genderfluid he/she pansexual homoromantic

The above being said, both Twist and Ty wholeheartedly say “fuck you and your gender norms” from a very young age and well into their teenage and adult years, with Twist enjoying painting his nails and Ty carrying all of his stuff around in a purse--and they both have a preference for wearing high heeled shoes [Ty because he just likes being tall in general and Twist because he likes being specifically taller than his parents because it drives them crazy XD]

Twist and Ty’s best friend is “Missi” [Moxxie and Millie’s eldest daughter, Missile] and she’s honestly an absolute hero for putting up with as many of their shenanigans as she does

Whenever they go out on family outings, Twist is that kid who just NEVER wants to leave--and so Blitz usually, after spending ten minutes of trying to get him in the damn van and Striker even using his Dad Tone (TM) and that not working, will just be like, “Alright kiddo, I tried playing nice. You asked for this.” And he puts his fingers to his mouth and whistles with a, “Loona Sweetie? Fetch.” >3 And Loona gets the BIGGEST grin on her face and Twist gets the biggest “oh shit I’m so fucking screwed” look on his face and Ty--who’s honestly probably very awkwardly coiled up in Striker’s arms because after a long day of family fun he’s tired af and decided that he doesn’t want to use his limbs anymore--just kind of looks over at his twin and says, “I believe in you, but also maybe try to run faster than last time” u3u

I think that they would both love their Auntie Barbie a lot and she would have soooooooo much fun teaching them different circus tricks--especially how to yeet each other back and forth on the trapeze XD

I also think that their Auntie Barbie would really love just how close they are.....and probably inspire her to make up for lost time in her relationship with her own twin too

For some reason I can’t shake the thought of the twins being great at acapella and I have no idea why but I’m also ttly here for it XD

In school, I feel like Twist’s favorite class would be Art [he loves to paint and happily makes all kinds of messes with his “expressing creativity”] and Ty’s favorite class would be P.E./Gym [because he loves testing the limits of his physical body]

Family game nights are always fun in their household because usually what happens is Twist and Ty team up against Blitz and Striker, and while they’re in the middle of duking it out, Loona ends up getting a monopoly on every street and is just like, “Pay up fuckers.” u3u

Moxxie and Millie both love and hate babysitting for the twins because on the one hand, they love them to pieces and love seeing how well they get along with their three kids, but on the other hand.....the twins keep finding Millie’s strap on and putting it on their middle child [Mark]’s head and calling him a “cockicorn” XD

Ty’s favorite food is ramen noodles and Twist spent three weeks [and probably set their kitchen on fire at least twice] learning how to make them with JUST the right flavor profile that he knows his brother likes the best

While I think both of the twins know that they can talk to their dads about anything, I think that they still keep their most personal thoughts reserved only to themselves and each other

Twist’s favorite type of weaponry tends to be more of the flashy ‘sharp and pointy’ kind whereas Ty’s favorite type of weaponry tends to be more of the aggressive ‘point and shoot’ kind. However I honestly kind of think that in terms of what they’d use themselves in the field, Twist’s primary weapon of choice would be a whip [though he would definitely have some throwing knives and handheld revolvers in his back pocket too] and Ty’s primary weapon of choice is honestly poisons. Assume that everything this kid has that he throws at you--be it a knife or a bullet or even a fucking cannonball--is poisoned somehow.

They both definitely play wrestle like Blitz and Barbie did as kids.....and just like Blitz and Barbie, they also get their horns tangled together more than once and need to have someone come rescue them. There’s almost always a photo taken that gets posted to Voxtigram first tho. XD

There are plenty more headcanons where this came from but I feel like this is already waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too fucking long so I’m going to go ahead and stop here for tonight!! If you guys are interested in hearing more about these two, please please please feel free to let me know and I’d be happy to write up a Part 2 to this, or just overall write up a quick little oneshot with them in it, or if you want to send me specific questions about them that I can answer, feel free to do so!! Thanks so much again and I hope you guys have as much fun reading these as I did writing them up!! <3 <3

#vizowritesheadcanons #BlitzStrike twins #ocs: Twist and Ty #BlitzStrike #Striker x Blitzo #Blitzo x Striker #Helluva Boss AU where Blitz and Striker are parents #I.M.P. family fun #kid AU

36 notes · View notes