#would it be a terrible betrayal now to say that I have a phobia about stairs?

[pepperf]

I guess the stairs fandom(???) has found my post about the chapter house stairs in Wells Cathedral. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

[thinking-about-writing-mm]

Chapter 12

Title: Those Evil Ways

Pairing: OT7 x Y/N (female reader)

Genre: supernatural au, slow-burn, medical, fluff, angst, smut, war

Word count: ~9 930

Characters: (Demons!BTS) Namjoon/Corson, Jin/Agares, Yoongi/Baal, Hoseok/Alastor, Jimin/Aamon, Jungkook/Mammon, Taehyung/Gaap, human reader (with special abilities later in the story)

Warnings: description of Y/N's phobia - thanatophobia (fear of dying), mentions of visits to a psychiatrist (in a good way, nothing toxic or terrible), lots of angst, mental breakdown, lots of comforting moments/fluff of some sort, triggering, age regression (NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY, just as a means of coping with stress), Jungkook is being sweet and caring, Hoseok makes some progress – if I have missed something please send a pigeon 😅❤️

Summary: Y/N is a third-year medical student going through life like others do. On one unfortunate night she gets in unexpected contact with otherworldly beings who drag her into their world of violence, war and fight for power.

Author’s notes: TAGLIST OPEN.

The new chapter is here and I'm so excited about what's to come! Because of midterm test and other things I had to do I couldn't find the energy and time to finish the chapter for a while now... I know this one might be a bit too gloomy, dark and sad but good things are on the way :3

Please, enjoy! <3

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A few weeks later the situation had gotten even worse. The Kings had decided it was best for them to return to their lands and reflect on what each one did, while Jin and Yoongi stayed behind in the capital in one of the residences so they can continue working on the battle plans with Taehyung.

What happened to Y/N you ask?

That… was a touchy subject for each of the seven men. At first, the three of them who got into a fight initially were ready to rip Hoseok apart but in the end, managed to keep their anger at bay. A new issue had risen and required to be dealt with with caution.

“Wake up, Y/N, please” Yoongi was repeating this sentence over and over again but she remained unconscious in his hands. He felt empty and weak. Looking up he searched for Jin’s eyes and when their gazes met the Master was stunned. He saw so much pain in the face of his closest man.

“Let’s take her to the mansion.” Agares said to Baal but hearing that King Mammon stood up.

With a stern expression, he shook his head. “Not gonna happen. I’m taking Y/N to the North.”

“Really?” Yoongi snapped at him. “After everything you’ve done…”

“What I’ve done? You and Agares are the main reason for this shit and all that Y/N’s been through” the usual calm self of the King disappeared again. Rage was still coursing through his veins, making Jungkook’s blood boil.

“Enough of that” Noir who was quiet until now intervened. All of that was completely pointless and if the feud would continue at this point, in their state of mind it would lead to nowhere. “I’m making the decisions now because apparently, none of you are capable from what I’m seeing.” The disappointment was noticeable in Namjoon’s voice.

He walked over to the table and lifted one of the fallen chairs and sat on it with his legs crossed. “I see now why we were so drawn to her, some more, some less but that doesn’t matter now. The causes for this girl’s presence don’t matter anymore too, it’s a fact - Y/N’s here with us and we all know what kind of being she is.”

Hoseok’s jaw tightened while listening to their Leader. The feeling of betrayal was still so strong and it was clouding the demon’s mind. “What’s the point of those words?” He hissed, leaning with spread arms over the table.

“My point - she’d been thrown into this mess without her consent and knowledge of the whole situation.” While saying this Corson’s eyes moved to Jin and Yoongi who were standing side by side. They visibly retreated into themselves but maintained eye contact with the King. “If Agares had let go of his grudges like I did decades ago and came to talk it out, Y/N might still be alive and well with her friends back in the human world - blissfully oblivious to all this here, without any schemes or intrigues.”

“She’s alive” Jungkook stated flatly but King Noir shot him a warning glare.

“We might be demons and according to the humans that’s the synonym of “evil” but I believe we’re more than that.” Namjoon got quiet looking around the room at the other six men. At that moment Taehyung who was awfully quiet spoke up.

“It’s not my place to rub salt in the wound but this affair has gone too out of hand. I have spent enough time with Y/N to know that she was innocent and pretty much unaware of all of this. At first, I was opposed to being involved but from what I know now there wasn’t even a slight chance of me not getting in the middle of it somehow. Mind you it was my choice in the end so I’m not blaming anyone.” The General somehow felt responsible for the young woman too. “We are intelligent creatures, that’s why each one of us has such a high position in this society.” He got closer to King Alastor and placed a hand on his shoulder reassuringly. “The first time a crisis occurred I don’t think we gave our best to avert it and we just let resentment and fury take over which was not right. That’s the main reason why we’re here now at each other's throats. This is not right…” Gaap closed his eyes in frustration. The demon wanted all this to be finally over. “We were what the humans call “friends” and now everything has crumbled to the ground and I’m still hoping there’s some way to fix it.”

“Tch…” Hoseok snorted “friends? Friends don’t choose a-” but at that second Jimin’s open hand shot up in a warning for him to stop. “Whatever.” The King of the East then said, thrown off.

“So I was saying that if we let go of our rage maybe could come together once more. Maybe Y/N is the key to make this possible.”

Agares smiled mockingly in the General’s direction. “You really think we can do that? Don’t make me laugh.”

“I’m not” Gaap replied with a serious face. “A war is approaching, a half-dead girl is laying on the ground and we’re further apart than ever before. This is not a joke or a way to mock any of you…”

“Taehyung is right,” Namjoon said backing him up. “I think it’s best for all of us to return to our regions and reflect. Think about what happened and once you reach a decision on what you want to do next return to the capital, then send a letter to the other six. Once everyone has reached a final decision we will gather here in the palace to discuss what would be the best course of action.” Then the King of the West laced his fingers together waiting for the others to say what they think about his offer. Slowly the demons nodded one by one without a word. “If someone wants to say something, anything, now it’s the time.”

“What about Y/N?” King Mammon asked with a pleading look, hoping for Noir to take the hint. The other man stared at the unconscious girl and then turned to Jungkook.

“Get her to the North. It’s dangerous for her to stay here since apparently someone is after her.”

The moment Baal opened his mouth to express his displeasure with this decision Namjoon shook his head. “It’s final. Doordale is too open. She’s helpless and given the fact that we will be far away, it’s better if Jungkook takes care of her for now. He is the best with making someone disappear and the guards there are top-notch.”

“Thank you Noir” Jungkook flashed him a smile but then felt the air getting thicker. Afraid to cause another misunderstanding he turned to Baal and Agares. “Hey! I didn’t mean to gloat don’t get me wrong. If she wakes up you will be the first to know. It’s not my intention to keep Y/N away from either of you.”

Yoongi visibly relaxed while Jin remained on edge. “You better.” The taller demon seethed through clenched teeth. “If something happens to her your head will roll, mark my words.”

“Come on, let’s get back.” Baal urged the Master to the door.

The other demons began shifting slowly and getting ready to leave. Jungkook approached Y/N who was still out of it, breathing ever so slightly. Her face was pale and the lips - dry. “I will take care of you” the demon whispered and pushed his hands under the young woman’s body, lifting her up with ease. Jimin then stepped in front of him, preventing Mammon from leaving.

“Wanna go some of the way together - to the Big Crossroad?”

The tattooed demon just nodded curtly.

…

The carriages were going together with guards riding at the front and at the back, but the two Kings were together in Mammon’s carriage.

There was still some time until they reached the place where they would go their separate ways. Both men were quiet with Y/N sleeping in Jungkook’s arms. He was mindlessly stroking the girl’s hair.

“I never meant for this to blow so out of proportion,” Aamon said quietly, never taking his eyes off the other two. You could say that he almost regretted his actions…

“Me neither. To be honest, I’ve had so many dreams of the seven of us fixing our problems and coming together as brothers but I’m too engrossed in doing my own things and enjoying celebration after celebration. The Ministers never stopped sending women and gifts… I’m too greedy.” The tattooed demon smiled bitterly. The irony - calling himself greedy.

“We’re bearers of great sins, we are born from that. I’m not going to sit here and wine about the things I’ve done” those words made Jungkook uncomfortable. It sounded like his companion didn’t want to change a thing. “Look, don’t get me wrong, I know I’ve fucked things up just as much as any of us did but you know what they say - there’s no use crying over spilled milk.”

Jimin’s eyes landed on Y/N’s pale face. “We are Kings and must only look forward. I will go back to the South and figure a way how to work things out with Hoseok.”

“What about Agares and Baal?”

“Baal will come around and as for Agares…” he sighed heavily. “He’s bottled too much hate and is still living in the past. It will take time.”

The other demon laughed lightly. It was funny how much faith Jimin had in the rest. Maybe this was not all bad though… Maybe he should do the same?

“What about her?” the silver-haired man asked softly, his demeanor and facial expression changing instantly. His biggest fear was that Y/N would choose someone else but not him which was very likely given what had happened up until this point. The young woman was nothing like them - a Spark and a demon with human behavioral patterns, so peculiar. At times she seemed incredibly confused and lost around the seven men. “It was entertaining how Y/N was struggling with herself when we were coming strong onto her.”

“Most humans are monogamous.” King Mammon stated matter-of-factly, with no emotion.

“I know, I know but her two selves were constantly fighting. Y/N’s strong since she managed to keep those primal instincts at bay.” Jimin was musing mostly to himself.

The taller demon had so many things he wanted to tell the man sitting in front of him but said only one wishful sentence. “I hope she decides to stay and stick with us.”

“Meaning?” Jimin lifted a brow not understanding where this was going.

“The Spark. It’s dangerous for her, while if Y/N chooses her demonic side… can you…” Mammon got excited and his eyes became glossy and shiny. He tightened his arms around the girl, then continued speaking in this overly excited manner. “Can you imagine how strong she would be? You saw the markings - the power of speech, this hasn’t happened in centuries.”

The maniacal look on the black-haired demon’s face worried King Aamon. “Jungkook…” he leaned forward placing a hand on Mammon’s knee. “It’s up to her. You have to ensure Y/N is safe and taken care of for now. When she comes to it will be entirely up to her. Don’t do this because it will push her away and force an unpleasant outcome.”

“My King, we are at the Big Crossroad.” The Coachman informed Jimin while tapping on the roof of the carriage. Aamon nodded and straightened up.

“Very well. I will be out in a minute.” With that, he focused on his companion once more. “Please don’t coerce or pressure her if she wakes up.”

“She will. No “if”s.” Jungkook snapped back.

The other man smiled. “You have my complete trust and I’m glad that Corson entrusted Y/N to you.” 

The King of the North rolled his eyes playfully. “Don’t fuck with me. I know how much you want to be in my place.”

They said their goodbyes and Aamon reached for the door handle but then turned back. A longing look took over his doll-like features. In a swift motion, then he bent over and placed a gentle hand on the girl’s cheek then planted a kiss on her forehead. It felt like the time had stopped. Jimin remained like this for a few seconds basking in the feeling while Jungkook sat completely still. “We will see each other soon princess.”

After that, he left and Mammon continued on his way with the young woman pressed to his chest.

…

“Mom?” Y/N woke up when the door opened.

“Hey, baby.” The woman looked anxious. It was a rare sight to see.

“What’s happening? Why’re you looking at me like this?”

Turning around in the bed the girl saw a bright light coming from the windows. The decoration in the room was from her childhood days with all the stuffed toys and books spread over the floor.

“Y/N, baby, we don’t have much time. Listen to me” her mother sat on the edge of the bed and took the girl’s little hands in hers. “It’s important to stay true to yourself and not lose track of the right path. Important decisions have to be made in due time.”

Flashes of some scary dreams appeared in Y/N’s mind - seven tall figures looming over her tiny body with hands outstretched coming closer and closer. “Mommy I’m scared” she whimpered, pulling on the woman’s shirt.

“I’m right here, don’t be.” The two hugged each other tightly and stayed like that for a few minutes. “Now, do you want to hear a story?”

Y/N nodded, her eyes still filled with tears. “Once upon a time there lived a princess in a kingdom far away from here. Her parents were extremely busy and were always leaving her alone to deal with whatever problem arose. When the princess got older her mom and dad told her that she should help them with ruling the Kingdom but this required her to become a fearless warrior.” Y/N exclaimed in surprise.

“But… mom, aren’t the princesses supposed to be pretty and get married to a nice prince?”

Her mom laughed wholeheartedly and ruffled the girl’s hair. “You know your fairytales very well.” Then she got serious once again. “This princess was not like the others, her life was harder but also very rewarding. One day on the battlefield she saved a wounded man and took good care of him and since the woman was so nice to him he fell in love with her. The princess was afraid to admit she had developed feelings for him too so she left the next night.”

“But that’s sad…” Y/N sniffled.

“It is but then something unthinkable happened. One day while the girl was taking a walk around the city the same man approached her. He had traveled the world to find her and in the end, his efforts were granted with success. Then and there the young woman promised to never leave his side no matter what. It turned out that he was a magical being with great power but the princess’ parents were mad at her for choosing him. That’s why the two ran away and hid from everyone. They had a beautiful baby girl but bad people found out and came looking for them. The parents were left with no choice but to run again. In the end the best choice was to give their child to a nice woman who kindly offered shelter for the baby. The kid grew up to be sweet and caring just like her parents, even though she didn’t have any recollection of them ever existing.”

“But mom why did they leave their child if they loved it so much?”

“Because she was in danger and they would never be able to forgive themselves if something bad would happen to their daughter. In the end, her parents were separated and they never saw each other again.”

Y/N’s lower lip trembled. “That’s a sad story mommy.”

“I know love but this story is my gift for you. Once you grow up you will understand everything.”

…

The days were passing monotonously. Things stayed the same, Jungkook woke up each morning and checked the reports from the previous night. Nothing was happening, as if the Queen was dormant, waiting for something specific to occur. After that, he was spending the day staying in Y/N’s room reading a book to her or drawing her sleeping face over and over again. She was being washed and dressed every day by the two maids who were by her side the first time when she came here.

“I miss your voice so much. Don’t leave me” he whispered. “I’ve heard Monica say you will love me one day and I will wait. I will wait for your loving one day…” He pressed his forehead to the soft mattress and closed his eyes. “Please wake up Y/N.”

Mammon felt pathetic for saying those things over and over again but he couldn’t help it. Guilt was eating away at the demon for all the times he used her for his and the other’s entertainment. Jungkook was fixated on making it right by her once the girl has woken up. Each time he closed his eyes the only thing he saw were Y/N’s sad eyes, the scared look after the markings appeared, King Alastor squeezing her neck, and how she was struggling in the King’s tight grip. All this was unforgivable indeed but she was always so good and the demon hoped that somewhere in her heart Y/N will find absolution and would be ready to accept his apology.

Let me say just this - sometimes some things are too hard or even impossible to forget but the key is to be able to forgive. Sometimes letting go of old grudges and focusing on what’s to come is the best option so you don’t lose yourself in all the anger and sorrow.

Jungkook was ready to climb a mountain if that was needed to prove he meant each word.

…

Almost three weeks went by. Jin and Yoongi were occasionally seeing each other in the mansion and even then they didn’t say much. The two men had buried themselves in old tomes looking for a way to wake Y/N up.

None of them had said a thing about what transpired in the central palace. Agares was still bitter and he felt defeated. Why?

Well, that’s because Jungkook had taken Y/N away after Namjoon gave his final ruling. After the Master had returned home the same day he had let his rage run free until Yoongi came back to the residence.

“Stop this shit.” The emotionless voice made Jin stop and turn around. The room was in disarray, broken chairs and pieces of glass and porcelain were scattered everywhere. “Do you think I’m happy that she’s gone?”

“It’s all because of them four. No! Hoseok! He’s the one to blame-”

Baal’s teeth clicked in frustration. “Don’t do that. Things will continue to go downhill until you cut this shit off. Use your brain Jin!” His voice became louder than before and the Master’s eyes narrowed.

“Mind your tone and words” he warned but the shorter demon didn’t care one bit.

“You can’t intimidate me. She���s gone now and we might never see her again so forgive me if I’m not ready to deal with your childish behavior yet.”

Agares gritted his teeth angrily but instead of deepening the confrontation, he kept quiet.

“We should fix things with King Alastor and also look for a way to bring Y/N back.”

Throwing his head back, Jin began laughing crazily. The loud sound tore the air around the two and echoed for a few seconds after the demon had stopped. “Whoa, you really know how to entertain me.” His face got serious. “There is no way in Hell I would go back to this bastard and talk with him. His selfishness got us here.”

The other man shook his head. “No Jin, all of us. We got ourselves in the middle of that shitstorm and we should find a way out of it.” Turning around to the door Yoongi stopped with his hand on the handle. “Think about it and you will see this is the best course of action. We should find a way back to each other because you remember - long ago we were inseparable.”

Looking at them you might wonder how the two demons haven’t killed each other - they were the exact opposites character-wise and yet - to see or hear a fight or dispute between them was an extremely rare occurrence. The sole reason for this was only one - Yoongi was the quiet and calm part in this friendship and then there was Jin - rowdy and loud with a short temper. You know how it goes - opposites attract.

“What about Y/N then?” Agares asked hurriedly before the other man left.

“I will send a letter to Trophonius. During the time we spent there with her the Oracle took a liking to the girl and once he knows the details of the issue at hand maybe he will be kind enough to come and help us.”

It was amazing how when it came to Y/N most of the seven men were thinking as one and were trying to make her stay in the Scarlet Land as pleasant as possible. If we… could call it that.

…

King Alastor was plagued by unwelcomed memories of the past. It was an absolute hell - each time he closed his eyes the demon was seeing scenes of the previous war, the day the seven demons fell apart, ugly disfigured faces of the enemies he had fought and the one that always made Hoseok wake up covered in sweat - Y/N, pale, struggling in his iron grip, tight around her neck and the next scene was her on the ground - lifeless. Then this was followed by the other six standing at her side looking at the King with resentment for what he had done.

“She’s not dead!” He was shouting in the dream but they didn’t care one bit and just continued to look at him, unmoving and silent.

This went on for a week or so. All the alcohol couldn’t drown the uneasy feeling and bitterness.

Then the second week came. The servants were quiet and extremely careful not to trigger the King in any way. Eternal life could be too much to handle if each day passed like that - buried in heavy, burdensome thoughts and reliving the worst moments. Hoseok began thinking that it was a punishment from some god-like being for going once more against his closest people and for getting consumed by hatred that he thought to be just.

When the third week began things slowly started to settle down and after long hours of thinking back on what had happened Hoseok concluded that he had jumped to conclusions too fast. After all, even Namjoon who was calculating and incredulous decided to grant Y/N the benefit of the doubt.

“I should talk to him…” he muttered while a maid was pouring him coffee.

“Excuse me Your Highness?” she turned to him with an apologetic look. “I didn’t hear You well.”

Alastor slowly lifted his head to look at the succubus. Her eyes widened in horror and she bowed and then immediately began apologizing and begging for forgiveness. He sighed in frustration - none of them had done anything to upset him and yet each sound that reached his ears or if a movement was a bit too wide or uncoordinated the King grew frustrated and angry at the staff. “Leave me be” Alastor waved dismissively at the maid and sent her away.

By the end of the third week, the King of the East had made arrangements to visit Noir in the West. It was easy to talk to him. The other demon was a good listener, always has been and especially if the person before him was close to him somehow. Hoseok hoped that Namjoon would be ready to hear him out after what had happened not so long ago.

The West had a different atmosphere about it even though the region was part of the kingdom of Doordale. All kinds of important people had a residence there - the demons from the ministry, fauns and ghouls who were members of the royal council and so on. The region was like the Orange county of the empire - you could wander all day long looking at the architectural wonders which were their homes. There was only one reason why they were choosing to live here - to be away from prying eyes.

"Greetings my King" the men standing guard by the massive double doors saluted Hoseok when he approached with his entourage. "King Corson is expecting You." They opened the doors to let him in. As per usual the members of the staff bowed to the demon. A butler accompanied by two other guards appeared inviting Alastor to walk with them so they could take him to Namjoon.

The Royal Protocol seemed demanding to someone who was taking a first look at it but in time it was turning out to be quite easy to get accustomed to. The key to it all - perfect coordination with others.

"Welcome!" Namjoon stood up from his chair and handed the book he was reading to one of the servants. "I was surprised when the messenger boy brought me the letter. I presume you want to talk?" There was a whiff of a good-hearted jest in Noir's voice.

"Oh no, I just came for the tea" the other King laughed lightly and they clasped each other's hands tightly as a greeting.

"Good" Namjoon became serious for a second and then smiled widely, his dimples appearing immediately "because I have none."

If he had to be honest King Corson would never say he didn’t expect Alastor to come. The subjects of the kingdom knew Noir to keep away from familiarities and empty pleasantries with the higher-ups, his calculating look that he had on constantly usually managed to intimidate everyone but it was for a reason. Who would look at him and take the demon seriously if he was an airhead who cared only about small talk and pretentious meetings? Exactly - no one. This behavior was what has gotten Namjoon this far, it was the reason why he has established himself as a leader of some sorts.

“Let me be clear - I won’t pressure you into taking a side” Hoseok said while twirling one of the strings dangling from his dress shirt between his fingers. “I just want to tell you how I feel about the whole thing. I’ve been closest to you all those centuries for a reason.”

Namjoon just nodded, suppressing the urge to ask him all sorts of questions.

“I don’t like her or… let’s say I don’t trust her. I don’t know this woman and after what came to light about her identity I didn’t see a reason to even try.” The King knew the legends very well and could recite every story he had heard of the Spark.

“Why?” tilting his head to the side Noir rubbed his chin, his eyes sparkling with curiosity.

“Well, it’s not like I have something against Y/N being a Spark or her being a demon. My problem is the combination - you know our kind very well and what we’re capable of, the atrocities.” The other man blinked once with understanding. “I’m not saying that the nation of the Spark was bad or dangerous but I get it now why they were killed off.”

“Really? Tell me” he really wanted to know why Hoseok had been so off about Y/N, apparently, it wasn’t just a pretense.

The King of the East was usually so accepting of other species and gave the people every chance to prove themselves without any bias. Of course, he had a twisted sense of humor and liked to push others to their limits but this was a different matter. “Imagine what would’ve happened if the Sparks began mating with us or the ghouls or even worse - the therianthropes.” Alastor huffed in frustration, the skin under his eyes wrinkled when he grimaced in disgust. Namjoon smirked, it was amusing how expressive the other King was. “You know how everyone used to say that the worst that could happen to the Scarlet Land was if the Spark turned dark.”

“Mmh. I’ve heard of this… what was it called…?”

“Dim Glow. That’s what my brother and father used to call the phenomenon of them turning rogue and forsaking the Light.”

It was a sad story. The nation of the Spark was never meant to live in a dark and rotten place like the Scarlet Land, but being feared and shunned by everyone they had ended up there, which had led to their inevitable demise. Let’s say that as a whole the supernatural beings were divided as ones of the “Light” and those of “the Darkness”. The primordial rule was to never mix the two in any way, especially if it came down to procreation because the results might turn out disastrous. The power those beings possess was said to be greater than that of a god. “So imagine if this girl turned out like this! She could tear everything around us down if the essence of the two sides mix - Y/N will be-”

“Uncontrollable. Unstoppable…” King Noir finished the sentence and he and Hoseok shared a look. “But that’s what Jungkook and Yoongi were trying to prevent recently. Baal and Agares had figured out things long before we did while Mammon was doing it out of selfish desires but all of them were helping Y/N stick to only one side.”

“I see that now, yes.” The other man’s eyes lowered with guilt. “I regret messing up the things between the four of us.”

One very specific arrogant look of Corson’s appeared and the other demon knew it was there without even seeing it. “You should. Also, keep in mind that what Y/N did was induced by our behavior - because of Aamon, Agares and Mammon throwing her around, because us three with Taehyung  had been suspicious and treating the girl as some lowly tool in order to achieve one’s goal, lower than the cheap whores roaming the streets, also you - becoming aggressive… all of those things led to this outcome.”

“I have to find a way to fix “us” if that’s even possible.”

Hoseok leaned back in his chair and covered his face with a hand. He has never been rash or that impulsive, maybe the pressure recently had reached a new high or maybe he was losing his touch…

…

I guess you all know the story of Sleeping Beauty. Y/N was now in a similar situation but the difference was that she was fighting to stay afloat and alive in her mind.

All the nightmares and terrors that were appearing in her head prevented her from waking up. I can’t even count how many times she saw her mother who was trying to influence the girl to give up and go with her. Where? Oh, I don't know exactly… so many times Y/N thought of following her but then decided against it saying "I have to wait for someone, I don't know who but they are coming to get me." Then the Kings and the other demons would appear taunting her or whispering sweet nothings, coercing Y/N to give her body to the pleasure they were offering. Another time scary creatures chased her around a dark forest and in the end she always ended up falling from a cliff.

“Hey baby” Y/N’s mother entered the room again. She had her hair tied in a tight bun which meant that the woman had just returned from the office. “Wanna talk?” Something felt off this time.

The young woman nodded and left the thick textbook on the bed. “Sure mom. What do you wanna talk about?” Back in the days it was not an unusual thing for them to share a moment like this, just the two, discussing something important but now Y/N felt weird and out of place. She couldn’t think of a topic or a problem that needed their attention at the moment.

The mother looked down at the textbook - “Internal medicine”. After a long pause she sighed as if the whole world was weighing down on her shoulders. “Why did you decide to study this? It’s so hard for you mentally and physically - you barely sleep these days or eat properly.”

“Mom…” Y/N rubbed her temples trying not to get agitated. This conversation has always been the worst, since the first day the girl announced she had planned on enrolling in the medical university. Mrs. Y/L/N had tried her best to dissuade her daughter from doing this but to no avail. “You know very well why. Moreover, it’s my last year. I enjoy every part of this - the help I can provide, giving hope to people, the efforts to lessen the struggles of others - it’s all incredibly rewarding.”

Her mother shook her head in disappointment and looked Y/N dead in the eye. The color of their pupils was exactly the same, and the face shapes too. A random thought crossed the girl’s mind unexpectedly “How could she not be my mom?” But why did she think of that? “Am I forgetting something…?”

“Don’t be a child. This crippling fear that’s been plaguing your mind since you were five? That has nothing to do with choosing this profession?” Her voice became unrecognizable, laced with menace. It also had this unpleasant sound as if the woman’s mouth was filled with unswallowed saliva.

“You know I don’t talk about that. Not anymore,” Y/N said through clenched teeth.

“That? This-“

“No mom. Stop it.” Panic began rising in her chest.

Mrs. Y/L/N had this sad expression on her face now. “The fear of death is common in many people, baby.”

Shaking her head Y/N tried to get rid of these thoughts just like before but it didn’t work now. Anxiety and desperation got her in a tight chokehold and she began breathing heavily.

“Seeing and reading about all the possible causes for someone’s death is tiring. Do you see the darkness sometimes? Do you think about it?” The girl was now shaking uncontrollably, sobbing and whimpering. She hadn’t had a panic attack in so long. “You want to become a medical geneticist or no… what was it? Genetic engineer so you can find the key to eternal life right?” Her mother took Y/N’s hands in hers and continued speaking. “You know if you let me take you away I will show you only light and there won’t be a need to ever think of that again.”

Holding on for dear life her daughter tried speaking. “M-m-mom… I’m… I-I…”

“Shhh… don’t be scared.”

“Master!” Monica ran inside the office screaming her lungs out. “Please! Come quick!”

Jungkook knew that this behavior meant only two things - either Y/N has woken up or was dying. Jumping to his feet the demon ran through the hallways.

When he entered the girl’s room he saw her in a terrible state - her body shaking from tremors with different intensity, sweat covering her face and neck, tears streaming down. The most unbearable thing was the quiet wailing reaching the King’s ears. “What’s wrong with her?!” He roared while crossing the room to sit on the bed next to Y/N.

“I-I…” the maid stuttered. “I was sitting on the chair watching her Ladyship and then it just happened out of nowhere.”

Jungkook hasn’t done this in so long but now was the perfect time for it. Closing his eyes the man emptied his mind completely. He pictured Yoongi’s face and a thin red loose string appeared, connecting the two demons. That was the telepathic bond the seven of them were sharing. “Yoongi are you listening?” Mammon said. A few seconds passed and then he continued, his voice turning frantic. “Y/N’s not well. Something is happening and I need you to come. Use the Wishing well and…”

The maid stayed on the side, crying. She liked the young woman so much and was so grateful for all the good things Y/N had said to her and for the nice attitude. The first time she felt like a human being was when the girl came to the palace and treated Monica as a friend and not as some lowlife. “Please save her, Your Highness…” the maid sobbed quietly.

A few minutes went by and the wooden door flew open. Baal came in tow with the man from Christopher’s memories - the Leader of the Oracles. The white-haired man didn’t say a word, just approached and bent down to touch Y/N’s forehead with his. Her body continued spasming in uneven intervals.

After a while the Oracle straightened up and looked at Jungkook with a grim expression. “She’s dying.”

“NO!” Both Mammon and Baal shouted simultaneously. The King’s black hair was in disarray, his cold eyes were filled with sadness and fear now and his hands were trembling from the adrenaline rush.

“Save her!” Yoongi got closer to them. He was obliged to find a way to keep Y/N alive at all costs, there was so much more to tell her and do together. The demon had plans to return with the girl to her world and clean up his wrongdoings but this…

The white-haired man nodded with a reserved expression. “Keep in mind that this might not work but since we don’t have another option…”

“Say it.” Jungkook ordered harshly, his eyes burning with determination.

“The thing is that whatever is killing Y/N is in her mind. Probably her own thoughts and since she’s been in this state for a while exhaustion is taking a toll on her. I need to channel some of your life essence into her.”

“Done” Jungkook and Yoongi both stepped forward as one but the Oracle shook his head.

“Only one thing is stopping me from doing this.”

Baal’s jaw tightened. “Those two sides of her.”

“Exactly. She might become a demon…”

“I don’t care! Do you want Y/N to…” The King was unable to say it. This was the first time in his centuries-long life he felt so desperate and lost. The woman was so precious to him and just thinking about losing her caused the demon immense pain - both physical and mental. He… loved Y/N and would give his own life to save hers. “Do it!” Jungkook grabbed the Oracle by the shoulders with gloved hands.

The other man blinked once, agreeing silently. “I will sit here and make sure to establish a bond with her. You must place a hand on my forehead and let down all the defenses so I can channel your essence into her.” The man then turned to Yoongi with a stern expression. “Keep a close watch on him. He mustn’t break physical contact with me.” Baal just stared unblinkingly.

“Come on baby, let me help you” her mother went on and on.

When Y/N was younger and an episode like this happened it was common after that for the girl to regress for different periods of time. That’s why her mom was always staying by Y/N’s side helping her recover. Why regressing? The girl’s mind was always so exhausted due to the stress caused by those intrusive thoughts. During and after an event of that sorts the regression became a coping mechanism so the brain could recover. In the past, the panic attacks used to happen almost every other day and the psychiatrist that Y/N was seeing at that time, had explained that it was a way to deal with the stress - reverting back to the stress-free, burdenless life of an infant or a child.

Y/N continued seeing the doctor for years up until her fifteenth birthday. Then looking at the cake the girl decided that the best decision was to become a doctor. The psychiatrist had advised her to find a way to deal permanently with the fear without the help of pills and other drugs. At some point the mentioning of the medical profession put Y/N on the way to healing.

“You’re strong enough to deal with this. Of course this is not a panacea, there might be times when you will get triggered by something, given the fact that being a doctor means seeing death a lot. You should have a grounding object or something of the sorts. You can always count on me and come for sessions. We’ve ruled out all of the underlying mental disorders so there’s nothing to worry about. This is just a coping mechanism for worries about the impact of aging.”

Once the girl started preparing for the entrance exams things began changing slowly. The panic attacks got rarer and rarer and those intrusive thoughts bothered her less and less with time. It all came from the fact that Y/N was working in the direction to find a way to be alive forever. A childish goal in the other’s eyes but the strongest driving force for her to stay afloat.

And now…

This uncooperative mind of hers was trying to “persuade” the young woman to let go and thus the attack happened.

At some point during the whole ordeal Yoongi began doubting if this was working at all - Y/N was still convulsing and whimpering. Jungkook on the other hand looked horrible - he was pale, breathing heavily and gritting his teeth.

“She’s so strong, there’re so many walls, metaphorically speaking, in her mind. I can’t break them down.” Trophonius murmured with his eyes closed.

“Just… figure it out” Yoongi hissed angrily. “I can feel her becoming weaker.”

The minutes were passing and nothing was happening…

At some point the King felt weak in the knees but did his best to resist the fatigue. Baal saw that and cautiously made a step towards him.

“I’m fine” Mammon spat out, still looking intently at Y/N’s face. “I don’t need your help!” So stubborn and unwilling to accept assistance from anyone.

More time went by but at one certain moment something felt like breaking. The air in the room turned static and Trophonius opened his eyes suddenly. “That’s it! Keep going!” Those words were aimed at Jungkook.

In the chests of both demons their hearts skipped a beat. Yoongi expected to see Mammon transforming but apparently the low energy level had the last say now. It was a well-known fact that in the process of shifting a lot of energy was required and now Jungkook had exhausted most of it.

“Y/N, look at me” her mom tried getting the girl’s attention but it was no use.

Y/N was crying unstoppably, the screams now resembled those of physical pain. She felt so helpless and bare. There’s no way she could die. Her mom would never be so mean to trigger her on purpose and then not even try to help her get over the episode.

“I-It… hurt-t-ts” the young woman cried pathetically. “I can-n’t” a new agonizing moan ripped through the air.

There was a knock at the door and both women cast their eyes in the direction of the sound.

“Yoongi hold him” Trophonius groaned in displeasure. “If he lets go all would have been for nothing.”

Without a second thought the other demon appeared behind the King and pressed himself to the other’s back. At that moment a nice thought dawned on him - Baal reached forward and placed his hand over Jungkook’s and the other around his chest for support.

“Whoa! I didn’t expect your spirit to be so strong” the Oracle exclaimed. It was a good decision to use the two of them but the downside would have been that both of their energy supply could run out just as fast so Trophonius needed a backup. “You are the sin of Sloth and yet this is… incredible!”

Then the white-haired man felt it - the last “wall” falling down.

Jungkook saw it first - the door in the darkness. Screams were coming from behind it and this bothered the demon to another extent. He began walking towards it but then Yoongi materialized too.

“What’s that?” Baal asked confused.

“Must be Y/N’s mind space. Let’s go, I don’t like this.”

The two approached the door and Jungkook knocked twice. It was best not to scare Y/N even more considering the state she was in back in the real world. After a second he opened the door and what they saw stunned them. This disgusting deformed apparition sat next to their pretty girl with tentacle-like appendages wrapped around different parts of Y/N’s body.

From her perspective, though this seemed different - it was still her mother and everything was completely normal.

Of course, the two demons looked exactly like themselves but the young woman couldn’t remember who they were. Looking at the men she began crying again. “I-I don’ wan-n-nt to…”

Baal crossed the room and grabbed the ghost-like creature. It screeched and another outgrowth shot out from its body wrapping around the demon’s neck. The King ran forward while the other two were struggling and grabbed Y/N who was still under the apparition’s influence. The tentacles were wrapped so tightly around her that even Jungkook with his strength couldn’t get the girl out. “Rip its head off!” the tattooed demon roared.

Yoongi didn’t answer back. He was still struggling with overpowering the creature. Seeing no other way around it Mammon began transforming partially and he dug his sharpened teeth into the black matter keeping Y/N under. No blood came out, nor did any tissue got ripped - of course this was a thought. Y/N’s thought that they couldn’t kill.

“Talk to her!” Yoongi urged Jungkook to try a different approach.

The King then knelt near the bed and grabbed the girl’s hand. “Hey princess. It’s me, do you remember me?”

Y/N’s eyes widened in horror, she knew this face from another nightmare of hers. He was bad and mean, this man was not good and the girl wasn’t supposed to go with him anywhere. She shook her head frantically. “Pl-please d-d-don’t hur’ me!”

Those words stung badly. The demon winced and balled his fists. “What has this thing done to you?” Jungkook didn’t know what to say. He was lost.

Yoongi was still trying to fight the apparition but nothing physical could make it budge. Everytime he tried punching, squeezing or kicking it felt like sand was on the other side of his fist. That’s why the only way seemed to be a battle of their minds but he couldn’t do it. It was just an idea of sorts and it didn’t have any brain to produce thoughts of its’ own.

“She has to deal with it” Baal said in the end. “We can’t do shit.” Once he stopped struggling the vision stopped fighting him too. It then turned his attention back to Y/N.

“Who are those people?!” Y/N’s mother was shouting in her face. “Tell them to go and leave us alone!”

The girl just shook her head.

“Hey, princess listen to me.” Jungkook began once again. “It’s me one of the Kings. Remember how you were feeding the birds in the pond in my garden?”

“N-no” Y/N stuttered and got her hands away from the demon’s, pressing them to her chest. “No!”

“Come on” the tattooed man smiled pleasantly and his lip ring glistened in the daylight. “The talk we had in the bathroom, the confessions?” From what Mammon knew the way to bring someone back was to remind them of some good moment but… He felt so guilty. There were almost no pleasant memories to speak of - he cause Y/N so much pain he had to atone for. If he was able to cry this was the moment he would do it. Taking a deep breath he placed his hand on the girl’s knee. Her eyes widened and she began trashing around.

“Don’t t-touch m-m-!” 

“Hey, hey. Okay I won’t touch you” the demon lifted his hands up in the air. Then Yoongi approached from behind keeping an eye on the creature who was murmuring something inaudible.

“We don’t have much time Jungkook” the shorter demon warned. “Something’s changing.”

So many sounds were overlapping in Y/N’s mind. Her mother was screaming on one side and then there were the two men saying some weird things that made her even more confused. It was impossible to think straight.

“Do you remember how sad you were-”

“That’s not how you do it” Baal cut the other man off. He feared that everything would go from bad to worse.

“Let me be. Y/N you were very sad and lonely that I left you for days during the feast. But do you also recall how glum I was when you decided to leave? That’s because I regretted my decisions then and now even more.” A tremor ripped through Y/N’s body.

“Mommy…” she wept weakly.

“She sees her mother.” Yoongi muttered more to himself. This was proving so much…

“I’m so sorry princess, I’m so sorry. I will never leave you again” those words sounded so genuine that they surprised even Baal. The mint-haired demon felt a pang of jealousy. Why couldn’t he be the one to do this? “Monica is taking care of you for so many days now. She loves you so much, the girl’s saying you’re her closest friend. I adore you for this kind heart of yours, Yoongi here feels the same way.” The King reached up to touch the young woman’s face but one of the tentacles of the apparition wrapped around his hand, stopping the demon. “Let me take you away and help you. I will make sure to eliminate every threat and danger around you, princess.”

“Liar” she sniffled.

“I can prove to you that I’m not. Don’t you want to see the people that long for you?” Y/N shivered and scooted over closer to the creature. Jungkook’s doe eyes got wider with fear.

“Y-you are n-no real…”

“But I am. Want me to prove you wrong? Think back and remember the time when I held you close. There’s something I asked you in the beginning. Do you remember what was it?”

“I don’t want to go” Y/N whispered, not listening to the King. He was becoming desperate.

“Do you remember what I asked you, princess?” he tried once again. “Let me ask one last question - demon shift or human?”

Then the girl got quiet. Everything stood still, the apparition stopped moving, the tentacles froze for a second and their matter stopped shifting too. “D-demon sh-shif’ or h-?”

“Yes.”

“Demon or human…” Y/N was talking to herself, her eyes glued to Mammon’s face. There was something strangely adorable about her disheveled look and those wide curious eyes, looking for an answer. Chewing on her bottom lip now the girl looked at the nightstand. There she saw her first stethoscope. Reaching for it with a trembling hand the creature didn’t try to stop her this time.

Yoongi followed her movement with interest - she wanted to take it. Getting on the other side of Jungkook he took it and handed it to Y/N. When she touched the stethoscope the young woman closed her eyes and her facial features softened. She ran her fingers over the cold shiny metallic parts, trying to steady the ragged breathing. “Demon or human…” Y/N said once more.

“Mmh.” Jungkook hummed. The two men stood in their respective spots, waiting for what was to come next.

“I-it’s you. Kookie…”

At this moment Yoongi visibly relaxed and sighed. The King smiled brightly and the skin around his eyes scrunched cutely. “It’s me and Yoongi. He was as annoying as ever but… helped me so much. Come on.” The demon took Y/N’s hands and kissed them.

“But…” she hesitated for a moment looking at the deformed creature, still seeing her mother with a disappointed angry look on her face. “What about my mom?”

“Thoughts can’t hurt you Y/N” the mint-haired demon tilted his head towards the apparition. “She’s been gone for a while now. You’re safe with us.”

Jungkook then carefully lifted the woman up and walked out the door with the other man following close behind.

“Your Excellency! Excuse my intrusion but the soldiers on the southern border were attacked” one of the first Lieutenants barged into the Solar room of Taehyung’s mansion. The General was snoozing on the soft daybed with a couple of books laying open on the small table next to him.

“So it’s begun.” Gaap rose up quickly and headed for the door. “It’s time to do what I do best.” Taehyung’s eyes flashed dangerously with his sharp mind already in full motion, running laps.

The supreme moment of Y/N returning after weeks of being unconscious brought joy and relief to everyone. The Oracle congratulated the two demons for their hard work which was a miracle by itself. “I will be staying at Agares’ residence so if you need me just tell the King and I will be here.” Those were the last words he said to Y/N before leaving.

Immediately after coming back to the real world, the three men noticed the state she was in - frail and on the verge of another breakdown. All those horrible nightmares and terrors that her mind put the girl through had drained her immensely. Here, now in the waking world, she was still in regression, which was concerning for everyone.

It was heartbreaking to see this strong woman in this state - eyes filled with fear and sadness, with knees bent close to her chest, chewing on her nails and lips. Y/N’s speech was disrupted, sometimes not understandable at all.

“I trust you will take good care of her” there was nothing more important to Yoongi now. He didn’t want to leave but the demon also didn’t want to overstay his welcome. 

“There’s no way I would leave her side.”

…

Soon news about the attack spread all around the empire. The idea of the Kings gathering to sort everything out at the set time and date didn’t become reality.

At that precise moment when the messenger arrived to tell Jungkook the bad news, he was laying in bed with Y/N who was sleeping in his lap. King Mammon had his head pressed to the headboard, eyes half-closed, playing with the girl’s hair and softly scratching and massaging the skin of the scalp just like she had asked him to do.

For the past three days, the demon was working on helping his precious girl recover just like the Oracle had advised him to do.

Only Monica was allowed to enter Y/N’s room and when it was time for a bath Jungkook was leaving in order to respect her privacy. On the first day, the young woman cried like a child when the demon left her side. “I will be back in a while, princess,” he said to her, kissing the back of Y/N’s hand.

Now when the maid entered Mammon noticed the antsy behavior immediately. “What is it?” he asked in a hushed voice.

“My King, there’s a messenger here. Should I send him in?”

The pretty features of Jungkook’s face got distorted. He frowned but tried to contain the bubbling irritation. “Why is he here?”

“I don’t know, he wouldn’t say.”

“Bull… send him in. I can’t come to the main hall now.”

Monica bowed deeply. “I understand.”

When the ghoul entered he stood straight and spoke in a loud exalted tone. “Greetings Your Majesty, King Mammon of the North!” At that point, if Jungkook was a character in some anime he would get this so-called “anger mark” on the side of his forehead. That asshat was so loud and annoying and he would wake Y/N up. Instinctively the King squeezed the girl harder as if trying to protect her from the sounds.

“Speak quietly, you twit. What is it?”

“King Corson of the West sent me to…” the messenger continued speaking the same way and Y/N began shuffling in the King’s arms. “Inform you that there was an attack on the southern border and many soldiers lost their lives fighting.”

Opening her eyes the young woman got startled by the unfamiliar voice. Looking up and squeezing Jungkook’s black cotton shirt alerted the demon. She then hid her face in the crook of his neck, trying to get even closer than before, if that was even possible… “So what? What did he send you here for?”

“King Corson instructed me to tell You that he had spared you for a few days, considering the situation You are in but now it’s time to come to the capital and perform your duties as King of the North.”

It was unfortunate but Jungkook couldn’t sit idly while the others were fighting to protect the Empire. “I will be there in a while.” Mammon said finally and motioned for the ghoul to go away. When that happened the demon ran his fingers through Y/N’s hair and began speaking quietly in the girl’s ear “Princess, I have to leave for a while. Monica will be here with you all the time, all my guards-”

He couldn’t finish his sentence because once she understood where this was going to happen the girl began crying immediately. “No, no! No please… d-don’t leav-ve me” stuttering, Y/N was clutching his shirt in tiny fists.

“I will be back in a few days baby girl” the demon tried reassuring her but it was absolutely useless - the sobbing didn’t stop. “Please, Y/N…” Mammon’s heart was breaking at the sight but he also knew that his brothers needed him.

“Don’t… please don’t leave me! I will die and you will forget about me!” It seemed that what occurred seconds ago now reverted all the progress they had made back to square one. There was no point explaining that if he went to see the others at the capital her safety will be more than ensured.

“Let’s make a deal - I will give you my pretty wristwatch and I promise you that I will be gone for no more than four hours. If I’m late, no matter the reason, I will bring you a bouquet made of golden flowers. Does that work for you?”

A pout appeared on Y/N’s lips and she got quiet. After a long staring contest she extended an arm out waiting for the watch. Smiling at her the King took the accessory off his wrist and placed it in the girl’s hands. Then he bent over to kiss her forehead and left without another word.

Chapter 11 / Chapter 13

Masterlist

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@princess-sunshyn @thedarkwinterrose

[forevercloudnine]

pre-new 52 scarebat ship meme

 (I actually have no idea what to call this period of comics. The dc wiki calls this the “New Earth” universe... it’s like, everything after Jason Todd was retconned out of being a circus acrobat up to Flashpoint. Anyway like a month ago I asked @heroes-etc​ to send me questions for this version of scarebat from this ship meme but then forgot that I did it because I got distracted by other ships. Sorry Jonathan...)

4. Who can’t keep their hands to themselves?

Bruce does DO physical affection — I mean, how many comic panels do we even have of him making out with Catwoman on rooftops — but he’s not especially forthcoming with it. I don’t think it’s an exaggeration to say that his love interests are more likely to instigate contact than he is, especially when that love interest is a villain like Selina or Talia (can you even IMAGINE him trying to take them off guard in a fight by grabbing their face for a kiss? Because I cannot).

He does occasionally instigate affection with his children/proteges, though usually it’s in instances where they obviously need comfort. Bruce isn’t always great at handling complicated emotional situations, but grief and trauma is something he understands very intimately, and he never hesitates to physically reassure people who are in that kind of pain.

In situations where someone isn’t in the active process of being traumatized, he’s less forward with physical affection. That doesn’t necessarily mean he’ll reject it if it’s instigated — depending on who you are, of course. I’m guessing he wouldn’t put up with hugs from random members of the Justice League. Superman is his best friend and he would probably try to wiggle out of 90% of Kal hugs if doing so was physically possible. Most of his loved ones don’t really spring physical affection on him unless they need it or it’s an especially emotional moment, however. It’s not really Bruce’s primary love language. 

Jonathan seems even less physically affectionate than Bruce, though obviously doesn’t have a lot of opportunity to demonstrate how he feels either way. Master of Fear offers the only example of him expressing explicitly romantic affection that I know of (unless you count his terrorizing Becky Albright in New Year’s Evil as physical affection, which... might be how he’s thinking of it...?), and it’s entirely instigated by Sherry Squire. He does ask her to the Halloween party, but she’s the one who takes him down to the furnace room for some “one-on-one” time and tells him to kiss her. 

He also notably does not actually get a chance to kiss her, mainly because the whole thing was a prank meant to humiliate him. This might be why he doesn’t try to instigate anything similar with his next crush, Dr. Linda Friitawa (again, unless you count Becky Albright, but I can’t find New Year’s Evil to read anywhere so my only knowledge of his interaction with her comes from Tumblr. I’m like 80% sure he was supposed to be interested in her romantically, but asking someone to do supervillainy with you isn’t the most direct way to express attraction, so I’m taking that as more obliqueness from Jonathan).

He never expresses any direct romantic interest in Linda, but at the very least he clearly cares about her more than he cares for most people, since he, like. Defends her in conversation and apologizes to her for things that aren’t even his fault. Which means a lot, coming from a sociopath with no regard for human life. They do hold hands at one point, but Linda reaches out to him first, and he waits to see if she’s going to back away from his reciprocated touch before he reaches for her other hand. 

He never instigates anything further with her, possibly out of fear of rejection. Unfortunately, it turns out that this was a good call, because Linda was only pretending to be nice to him while Penguin was paying her to experiment on Jonathan without his knowledge. When Batman figures out what they’re doing, she immediately fucks off and starts dating Black Mask.

Even more unfortunately, his 45 seconds of hand holding with Backstabby McMad Scientist is probably the only mutual physical affection Jonathan has ever experienced in his entire life, so honestly I have no idea if he would be more into it as a concept if it was offered to him more often. He’s clearly willing to return physical contact when it’s initiated by someone else, so maybe it is something he would seek out in an actual relationship? He DOES get handsy with Bruce when he has Batman tied up sometimes. 

9. What is the most embarrassing thing they have done in front of each other?

Trip out on fear toxin, both of them, hands down. There are few things more embarrassing than, as Jonathan aptly describes it, being “reduced to whimpering quivers” in front of your enemy. Especially an enemy who’s presumably jotting down notes on your worst fears, since Batman/Scarecrow fights tend to just be competitions in who’s more frightening.

11. What do they hide from one another?

I mean, obligatory mention of the fact that Bruce hides things from absolutely everyone (with the possible exception of Alfred, because Bruce trusts him as completely as he is capable of trusting anyone, and also because it’s really hard to hide things from a parent whose involved in every aspect of your life and already knew you before you developed your pathological need to obfuscate your feelings and intentions).

As Wonder Woman pretty aptly describes during the Tower of Babel arc, even Bruce’s closest allies are never going to hear the full story from him. So it’s deeply unlikely he’d ever be 100% truthful with a supervillain, even if they got close AND Jonathan reformed. 

But it’s notable that Jonathan’s fear toxin has actually given him a more honest look into Bruce’s psyche than he would ever purposefully give to people who aren’t close family members. And by “close family members” I again pretty much just mean Alfred. Unfortunately for Bruce, nothing forces emotional transparency like mind altering drugs. Fortunately for Jonathan, nothing forces emotional transparency like mind altering drugs! Not that I’m recommending that anyone drug a romantic partner into being honest with them. But Jonathan is a trained psychiatrist, so I assume his psychological know-how combined with insights gleaned from the dozens of “sessions” he’s had with Batman in the past would leave him more prepared than most to decipher the mystery that is Bruce Wayne. (@heroes-etc: riddler is SEETHING.)

Jonathan meanwhile is more than capable of putting together a clandestine scheme, but in respect to himself he’s actually pretty straightforward. Though his driving motivation in this continuity gets more and more complicated over time, from the early 90’s “I just like fear” to the early 2000’s “my Granny tortured me with birds when I was a child and now I’m obsessed with inspiring the same fear and submission she forced on me onto others,” what doesn’t change is his willingness to monologue about it to anyone who’s listening.

Also, anything that Jonathan is unable or unwilling to go into detail on, Bruce is more than capable of puzzling out himself. In Scarecrow: Year One he successfully tracks down Jonathan’s old home to recover and read through Granny Keeney’s diary, and after Scarecrow’s Master of Fear origin was published, it’s clear that Bruce has done his research on Jonathan’s childhood. There’s even a (presumably unintentionally) hilarious scene where Bruce pauses mid-rescue of a man that Jonathan has kidnapped and traumatized with fear toxin to lecture him on having bullied Jon in high school.

Is this really the time, Bruce???

(@heroes-etc: oh 100% he nailed that timing.)

13. When do they realise they should get together?

Well, circling back to Tower of Babel, it’s revealed when Ra’s al Ghul has Talia steal Bruce’s contingency plans for defeating the Justice League that Bruce has “borrowed” Scarecrow’s fear toxin in case he has to take down Aquaman.

This was back when Scarecrow had a number of different toxins that induced different phobias, or made people hallucinate hyper-specific nightmare scenarios (such as “being eaten alive by roaches from the inside,” for some terrible reason). Batman notes in his contingency files that Scarecrow has already done the work for him; presumably Jonathan had already designed a formula to induce hydrophobia, so all Bruce had to do was steal a vial of it from a crime scene.

(The sentence “Why not make him incapacitate himself... perhaps through fear?” alone is like 90% of why I think these men would get along like burlap on fire if they ever actually cooperated on something. Also, unrelated, but the polaroid of Jonathan he has in the Aquaman file is weirdly adorable.)

Bruce’s plan for Arthur is incredibly effective, and notably also Bruce’s only contingency that isn’t either inherently lethal or a ruthlessly sociopathic betrayal of emotional vulnerabilities that had been revealed to him in trust and friendship (RIP Kyle Rayner).

(Notably, Bruce’s plans for Kyle and several other leaguers directly involve using their worst fears against them, even without a fear toxin conveniently tailored for this purpose. Bruce just really likes using fear as a weapon against people.)

After Tower of Babel, Bruce obviously needed to create new contingencies, since the whole point is that they were secret plans that no one could see coming. In canon, Bruce goes on to create the A.I. satellite Brother Eye for this purpose (which backfires even worse than his first set of contingency plans, because of course it does). But I think an interesting alternative could have been Bruce tapping Jonathan for more toxin strands tailored to taking down the Justice League. If Bruce Wayne offered to pay Scarecrow’s way out of Arkham in order to develop formulas that could neutralize the world’s most powerful superheroes, is there any way that Jonathan would turn him down? I mean, obviously he would plan on betraying Wayne at some point, and Bruce would similarly be working against Jonathan’s best interests. But maybe if they set aside their “who’s scarier” dick measuring contest to work together for once, they could come to recognize their shared passion: scaring the shit of people.

Also, the Jonathan in this continuity really likes books. And you know what’s a reliably sustainable source of books that can’t be confiscated by the authorities? Dating Bruce Wayne. The manor alone probably has an insane amount of rare books that have been hoarded by his family over the years. It’s like a weird reversal of the Beauty and the Beast, where the rude rich guy who gives a library to the love interest he may or may not have technically kidnapped is the pretty one.

21. Where do they get nervous about going with one another?

If they were dating, I’m guessing Jonathan wouldn’t want to go anywhere in public with Bruce at all. Bruce Wayne is a celebrity bachelor, and celebrity bachelors get a lot of attention, and people who take celebrity bachelors off the market get a lot of NEGATIVE attention. The public reaction to Bruce settling into a committed relationship with anyone would be the kind of weirdly resentful gossipy judgement that the girlfriends of famous princes or actors or musicians always get from tabloids and entertainment television, but in Jonathan’s case it would be a million times worse. Not just because he’s a supervillain, because if there’s any town that would expect its most eligible bachelor to eventually date a supervillain, it’s Gotham. But more specifically because “ugly social outcast” is one of Scarecrow’s most enduring character traits. Not exactly the traditional trophy wife. And though Jonathan’s Scarecrow identity seems to distance him from a lot of the shame he suffered growing up, I’m guessing that the kind of spiteful vitriol that would follow him anywhere he accompanied Bruce would at the least bring back some very unwanted memories.

Bruce probably doesn’t have the same discomfort Jonathan would with being seen together in public. He doesn’t care if people think Bruce Wayne is insane or lacking in judgement as long as they don’t think he’s Batman, and I’m sure he’d find a way to spin “dating a man who prefers to dress exclusively in burlap” into something appropriately characteristic of playboy idiocy. But while he'd definitely respect Jonathan's wishes to stay out of the public sphere, he would probably enjoy any opportunity to bring Scarecrow into Gotham high society, since his presence would definitely shake up a party, and Bruce is generally extremely bored at any social event where he doesn’t have anyone to snark with. And with Jonathan’s scathing wit as entertainment, Bruce might one day fulfill Alfred’s wish and actually make it through an intermission sometime.

I’d say that Bruce would be nervous about taking Jonathan out for “field research,” but I’m sure it would be one of Scarecrow’s requirements for any long term collaboration, so it’s something that he would have to get used to pretty quickly. He would probably endeavor to keep Jonathan away from anything that could retrigger his less healthy behaviors. On the other hand, it’s not like Bruce does that for himself, so it stands to reason that he probably wouldn’t be able to successfully control Jonathan in that regard either. 

It doesn’t help that one of Jonathan’s primary motivations in villainy is his childhood, which is... exactly the same thing that Bruce is fixated on. A significant portion of Scarecrow: Year One is the two of them waxing poetic about how similar they are in this regard. 

Relating to this, even though it might be a terrible idea, I don’t think Bruce would be able to resist encouraging Jonathan to reconnect with his mom. Bruce would never recommend for someone like Cassandra to seek out a relationship with her father, but if someone he cares about has a LIVING parent who WASN’T abusive to them? It seems unlikely that Bruce wouldn’t advocate for reconciliation. Jonathan’s dad obviously never cared about the teenage girl he knocked up or their bastard child, but Karen Keeney is a different story. DC Holiday Special ‘09 makes it clear that Jonathan was taken away from her against her will, and she’s spent a significant portion of her life wracked by guilt imagining what the woman who abused her was doing to her son.  

Ultimately she attempts to commit suicide because she feels personally responsible for every terrible thing her son has ever done, which is tragic because really she’s the only member of the Keeney family completely blameless in the creation of the Scarecrow. In Scarecrow: Year One Jonathan clearly resents her for leaving him and moving on to have another baby that she actually did keep, which I would call a really paranoid case of jumping to conclusions if it didn’t seem extremely likely that Granny Keeney told him his mother didn’t want him and left him to be tortured on purpose.

(Side note, it is REALLY weird how young Karen Keeney is depicted in Scarecrow: Year One. At times her son looks older than she is, and it doesn’t help that her second born child is an infant for some reason. Even if Jonathan is only thirty years old here, then unless she had him at younger than fourteen, she should already be in her mid-forties. Why did she only have a second child so late in life? The implication with her abusive husband is that she ended up getting trapped in a bad relationship for survival when her family kicked her out as a teenager for disgracing the family by having Jonathan. It would make way more sense for her child with him to be at least in elementary school. Also the scene would have been way more interesting if Scarecrow’s sister was old enough to talk.)

Thankfully Deadman manages to convince Karen to hold on to life long enough for someone to call 911, and she ends up surviving the suicide attempt. But were Jonathan ever to reform, it seems like reconciliation would be really healthy for both of them, since miraculously Karen still seems to care about Jonathan despite everything he’s put her through, and they’re both clearly still suffering from the after effects of Mary Keeney’s abuse. 

Bruce would be enthusiastic about this prospect for obvious reasons, although he would presumably still be nervous about the possibility of everything going terribly wrong. And even if everything went perfectly right, he would STILL be nervous, because everytime Jonathan goes to see his mother there’s a chance that she will mention the time that she kissed Batman full on the mouth. And that is not information you would ever want your psychologist boyfriend to know, unless you want to be mocked with Freudian buzzwords for the rest of your natural life. 

(...This would also count as a thing that Bruce hides from Jonathan.)

[solar-pxwered]

A List Of Norman Reedus Movies/Shows I Have Seen And My Opinions On Them

1. The Boondock Saints

The Best. A classic. Bloody and inappropriate and if I remember my count correctly, contains 194 “fucks” or variations of it (this movie certainly illustrates the diversity of the word). Terrible Irish accents. A KICKASS soundtrack. Willem DeFoe crossdressing. Dropping toilets on people’s heads. Over the top action sequences. Cheesy dialogue. Campy as fuck. I freakin’ love it.

2. The Boondock Saints 2: All Saints Day

Some people didn’t like this one as much as the first one, and I admit that I wasn’t as fond of the new detective in this one as I was of Smecker...but, overall, I really enjoyed it and I drove 2 hours to see it in theaters. I love Romeo more than Rocco. The humor was on point. It was nice to see the original actors for Doc, Dolly, Duffy and Greenley. There was more terrible Irish accents, another KICKASS soundtrack, cheesy dialogue, over the top action sequences, still campy as fuck. I freaking love it.

3. The Walking Dead

Cannot even describe how much I love this show. I have ALWAYS loved zombie related shows and movies so this show was right up my alley from the very beginning all the way back in 2010. I watched it religiously every Sunday. I adore this roller coaster ride of a show and I especially adore Daryl, Carol and Jerry. This show has it all: Comedy, drama (hella lots of that), tragedy and triumph...and it never fails to pulls me in and hold my interest.

4. Mimic

Honestly, I saw this a LONG time ago and I hated it because...well, because I have a cockroach phobia, ok?! Don’t judge. Norman’s part was pretty small, not one of his lasting impressions on me.

5. Six Ways To Sunday

This is a weird one. It’s about an overly innocent 18 year (played by Norman) who gets involved in the Mob and develops an alter ego that’s violent and his complete opposite. There’s murder, prostitutes and good ol’ fashioned mother-son incest and it wasn’t a movie I suggest for the lighthearted or anyone with those sort of triggers. 

That being said, I watched the whole thing and didn’t hate it. It was just uncomfortable...as seems to be a theme with Norman Reedus movies.

6. Dark Harbor

This fucking movie...

Ok, so, I’ll be straight with you: I really enjoyed this dumbass movie. It had me guessing right up to the very end and it took me on a very strange ride along the way. 

If watching someone sexually feed a woman a poisonous mushroom, lots of dark eyed staring scenes or Norman Reedus making out with Alan Rickman is your thing, then go for it. 

7. Let the Devil Wear Black

It’s modern Hamlet. What else is there to say? If you like Hamlet, you’ll like this movie. If you like pre-car accident, baby face Reedus with the black hair, you’ll like this movie. I liked it.

8. 8MM

You know what the best thing about this movie is? Nicholas Cage. He steals the damn show no matter what movie he’s in and no one can even deny that fact. Norman’s part in this one is pretty small too but I liked this movie anyway because...well, Nick Cage. Enough said.

9. Bad Seed

I honestly can’t remember how this movie ends, all I remember was that it wasn’t at all how I expected it. I liked this movie because it’s a psychological thriller and that’s my most favorite genre of all time. The movie’s premise is a guy suspects his wife of having an affair and comes home one night and finds her murdered so he goes after her lover (Reedus) to try and kill him because he believes he was the one who killed her. It’s a cat and mouse chase sort of thing...now I need to rewatch it because I can’t, for the life of me, remember how it ends.

10. Gossip

Ok, no JOKE, this is the best movie I ever randomly discovered and I can’t believe how many people have never heard of it! It’s got some big names in it (Lena Headey, Norman Reedus, James Marsden and Kate Hudson to name a few).

It’s a psychological thriller/mystery drama in which three friends start a rumor at their school as a social experiment for their class. The rumor grows, however, and suddenly it’s out of their hands and spiraling out of control. People start getting hurt, reputations get dragged through the mud and then it escalates to the point of someone losing their life. The three main characters {Reedus, Headey and Marsden) try to figure out the truth behind the out of control rumors and discover more than they ever imagined, or ever wanted.

I HIGHLY recommend this movie. I really, REALLY do. The ending is one of the best twists I’ve seen in a LONG time.

11. The Beatnicks

This movie is so weird. It’s like...it’s just really weird. It revolves around two beat poets who find a magic box that somehow magically helps them get good at being poets but it’s like...an evil box and so they decide to only use it once and then get rid of it. Yeah, it’s a weird movie. Not my highest suggestion.

12. Blade II

Ok, if you’ve never seen the Blade Trilogy then I just don’t even know what to tell you. 

My favorite of the three movies, Blade 2 gives us the glorious Reedus character of Scud, the pot smoking, horrible-shirt-wearing, mechanical genius and Blade’s sidekick. Not only is he precious and adorable, the movie in all is enjoyable and has a fun rave-esque soundtrack. 

The one thing I hate? *SPOILER ALERT* Scud’s scummy betrayal.

13. Tough Luck

This is another one of those movies that I liked but it’s just so freaking weird. 

It’s a psychological drama where a down on his luck con artist, Archie (Reedus), tries to rip off a carnival worker and gets caught. As punishment, he’s hired to work at the carnival  to pay off the debt. He gets involved in a scheme to murder the owner’s wife, but falls in love with her in the process.

Things go to shit. He gets the short end of the stick. More plots and lies develop. It’s all twisted until the end and the answers fall into place.

I really like this movie, it’s one that I kept and still have my copy of. 

A word of warning though, never leave this movie on your movie shelf for your father to find and watch while you’re away at college, resulting in your mother calling you and asking you why you have such a nasty movie. Because the sex scene at the end is OUTRAGEOUS. I mean, it is the FUNNIEST fucking sex scene I have ever seen in my life and I can’t ever watch it without cringing and laughing. My mother, however, didn’t think it was funny at all and my father was too shocked to even form a sentence.

I highly suggest this trippy as hell movie.

14. Octane

Ok, to be fair, this movie is actually alright, although Norman’s character gets the shittiest death possible. I mean, imagine dying because some psycho vampire kisses you and bites your tongue out. That’s one shitty death.

But, overall, this is a good thriller. Johnathan Rhys Meyers plays the villain and he’s always pretty quality. The story is basically a teenager has a disagreement with her mom and gets picked up by this drugged up, blood sucking, vampire wannabe cult and indoctrinated joining them. Her mother joins up with a tow truck driver (Reedus) whose daughter was also kidnapped years ago and who has been hunting the cult down ever since. 

It was a cringe filled, yet interesting, movie and I didn’t hate it.

15. John Carpenter’s Cigarette Burns

This is John Carpenter....OF COURSE I liked this one. 

I won’t say what it’s about because that would ruin the story, but it’s part of an anthology and John Carpenter loved Norman’s role so much he STILL talks about it today and suggests Norman to people in the industry.

It’s a good one if you’re into horror shorts or anthologies or the genius of the legend that is John Carpenter.

16. A Crime

I had completely forgotten about this movie until I started making this post, but now that I remember...I REALLY liked this one!!

This is a pretty sad one, but it was very good and Norman’s acting in it is absolutely wonderful. His character’s wife was murdered and the suspect was never found so his neighbor, who really likes him, creates a fake culprit so that he can finally get some closure. 

This is a good one. I suggest this one if you’re in the mood for a strange sort of romance movie that has underlying thriller tones.

17. Moscow Chill

I remember watching this one, and I remember enjoying it, but I honestly can’t remember anything about it except that it’s a Russian film in which Norman plays a computer hacker who gets hired to hack into a Russian bank and gets caught and put in prison. But I honestly can’t remember what happens in detail.

If you like foreign movies with hacking and subterfuge plots, then give it a try because I do remember enjoying it while I watched.

18. Red Canyon

This one is kinda fucked up. Imagine Daryl Dixon mixed with Breaking Bad mixed with Deliverance and you’ve pretty much got the story...

A brother and sister return to their mother’s hometown to settle things and put their horrible past behind them...but upon returning they end up reliving the nightmare all over again.

It’s a good thriller/horror watch, but there are scenes of sexual violence so if that’s not something you can handle, then don’t watch this one.

19. Hero Wanted

This. Is. A. GOOD. Movie.

Cuba Gooding Jr. is the lead and he does an AMAZING job. Gooding’s character is a garbage man who falls in love with a girl who never takes any notice of him. To get her attention, he stages a heist in which he is supposed to jump in, save the day, and win the girl...only the heist turns out to be real and he is shot and the girl is also shot in the process. He sets out for revenge and gets in way over his head.

Norman’s part in this isn’t very big...but HOLY SHIT, was it impactful. His character didn’t have a lot of screen time, in comparison to a lot of other people, but he had a solid backstory and reason for being involved and MY GOD did I cry about it. This was actually the first movie of his I watched AFTER discovering Boondock Saints and it solidified my love for his acting abilities.

A very good watch. Highly suggest.

20. Messengers 2: The Scarecrow

This one is pretty ok, actually, as far as lame horror movies go. 

The plot is simple: Blonde, beardy, corn farmer Norman gets slowly driven insane by the haunted scarecrow in his field that he thinks putting up is a good idea for some damn reason. He starts to get more and more violent and rapey as time goes on until his family is forced to take up arms against him.

It’s not bad. Second part in what I THINK is a trilogy? I’ve only ever seen the first two. If you like horror movies then this one is a good watch. As I mentioned though, there is an attempted rape scene in this one so just be aware.

21: Pandorum

It’s an alien movie. Astronauts run into a species that is stronger and hungry for tasty humans. Shepard (Norman’s character) doesn’t make it out alive. If you’re not in the mood to see Norman get LITERALLY gutted or other characters get nommed by aliens, then don’t watch.

If you ARE, then go ahead and watch, because it was pretty alright.

[howwelldoyouknowyourmoon]

Cracking the Cult Code for Therapists: What Every Cult Victim Wants Their Therapist to Know

by Bonnie Zieman 

June 16, 2017    paperback   142 pages    ISBN-13: 978-1546894681

After being born into and raised in a cult that masquerades as a religion, Bonnie Zieman left the cult and obtained the education she'd been denied while in it. Training in two schools of psychotherapy (Gestalt and Psychosynthesis) and obtaining a master's degree in education, Bonnie then became a licensed psychotherapist. She worked in private practice for over twenty years. Once learning about this new phenomenon of the constant stream of people now exiting high-control groups and cults, and understanding the toll the cult abuses take on lives (isolation, rampant depression, PTSD, and suicide) she wanted to apply her education and experience to help. Writing cult-recovery-related books seemed like the obvious course. Bonnie has written: “Exiting the JW Cult: A Healing Handbook”; “The Challenge to Heal After Leaving A High-Control Group” and its accompanying volume “The Challenge to Heal Workbook & Journal”; as well as “Fading Out of the JW Cult: A Memoir” about her thirty years in the cult, the struggle to leave it, and the challenges faced trying to create a new life once out. You can learn more about Bonnie Zieman and her work at her website,   https://bonniezieman.com/

Contents

Foreword

Introduction

Chapter 1 Cult — Definition & Description

Chapter 2 Why People Join a Cult

Chapter 3 How Cults Recruit, Control & Retain Members

Chapter 4 Working with Cult Victims 

Chapter 5 Love-Bombing & Belonging 

Chapter 6 Indoctrination

Chapter 7 Isolation

Chapter 8 Personal Reality & Personal Identity

Chapter 9 Doubts & Questions

Chapter 10 Learned Helplessness

Chapter 11 Individual Freedoms

Chapter 12 Control & Automatic Compliance

Chapter 13 Elitism & Exclusivity

Chapter 14 Higher Education & Careers

Chapter 15 Threats & Punishments

Chapter 16 Fears & Phobias 

Chapter 17 Overview of Most-Used Cult Controls

Chapter 18 Repression of Basic Human Needs

Chapter 19 Challenges of Being Born & Raised in a Cult

Chapter 20 Dissociation

Conclusion

Cult Strategies Used to Control Members – 1

After-Effects of Cult Strategies on Members – 2

Recommended Reading

Educational websites

Cult Victims’ First-Hand Accounts of Control & Abuse are from the Following Groups & Extremist Religions

About the Author

Note to former cult members: While some of you may dislike seeing yourself referred to as a ‘victim’, the reality is that while in the cult we were ‘victimized’. The goal for any of us who were members of a cult is to move from ‘victim’ to survivor to ‘thriver’. If you feel you have already moved beyond being classified as a victim, I applaud and support you. That is evidence of your hard work on the path to recovery. I use the word ‘victim’ throughout the book in part to accentuate to therapists not yet familiar with cults, how damaging and destructive membership in a cult can be. You know where you are on the road to recovery. Please do not let a word define or disturb you.

Conclusion to the ‘Cracking the Cult Code’ book

Part of the purpose of the mixed cocktail of control and indoctrination in any cult is to convince members that while being psychologically and spiritually captive, they are actually free – free because they are among the few on the planet who are in possession of the truth, free because only they have been liberated from the delusions, depravity and immorality of the rest of the world, free because only they would be exempt from the fate of the world of non-believers, etc. These are, surely, the ultimate cult deceptions.

Once an individual does leave the cult they may wonder how they could ever have allowed to themselves to buy into such blatant lies, and perhaps then doubt their ability to make rational assessments and decisions. There may also be self recriminations – anger at the self, disgust at allowing oneself to be duped, outrage at having wasted so much time – which can result in despair, demoralization and depression.

The ex-cult member may wonder if they can trust themselves going forward and, therefore, proceed gingerly to make choices or decisions while trying to rebuild their values, worldview, life, and relationships outside of the cult. It may be challenging for friends, family and social workers to help motivate someone fresh out of a cult. The after-effects of so many deceptions make it hard for the ex-cult member to trust anyone – including social services or mental health professionals – for a time.

While believing they were free and exclusively chosen to engage in work that would better the world, cult members forfeited their real self, their values, their autonomy, their agency, their family and any support system outside of the cult. Cult victims forfeited their financial future, a sense of competence, their self esteem, their well-being – their life. Listen to the following recollections and reflections of two ex-cult members:

“When your own thoughts are forbidden, when your questions are not allowed and our doubts punished, when contacts with friendships outside of the organization are censored, we are being abused, for the ends never justify the means. When our heart aches knowing we are we have made friendships and secret attachments that will be forever forbidden if we leave, we are in danger. When we consider staying in a group because we cannot bear the loss, disappointment and sorrow our leaving will cause for ourselves and those we have come to love, we are in a cult… If there is any lesson to be learned it is that an ideal can never be brought about by fear, abuse, and the threat of retribution. When family and friends are used as a weapon in order to force us to stay in an organization, something has gone terribly wrong” – Deborah Layton

“I could not undo overnight the damage that had been done to my psyche over many years. The only way over was through – I knew that – but it was still debilitating and stressful. All I could do was face the fear and keep going.”  – Carolyn Jessop

Cult expert, Madeleine Landau Tobias, in the book, “Captive Hearts, Captive Minds” says: “More often than not, leaving a cult environment requires an adjustment period, not only to reintegrate into ‘normal’ society, but also to put the pieces of yourself back together in a way that makes sense to you. When you first leave a cult situation, you may not recognize yourself. You may not know how to identify the problems you are about to face. You may not have the slightest idea who you want to be. The question we often ask children, ‘What do you want to be when you grow up?’ suddenly takes on a new meaning for adult ex-cult members.”

After reading this book it should be clear that people leave cults or any high-control group have been traumatized by multiple losses, betrayal, thought control, deception, coercion, exploitation and abuse. Once out of the cult, victims have a long road ahead to reclaim their suppressed identity and to build a new, self-directed life. They need help and support and many hope to find it with a prepared, competent, understanding, non-judgmental therapist.

After taking the daunting step of finding a therapist, ex-cult victims need to sit across from a clinician who has “cracked the cult code” and understands what the ex-member endured in the group and what they will face trying to reclaim the self and the life they had to abandon to be in the cult.

I hope that after reading this book, clinicians will now have a better handle on what cult victims want their therapist to know, so that their work together can be more open, collaborative and productive.

The therapist who has cracked the cult code will surely be enriched by the privilege of viewing the determination, courage and resilience that manifests before them as they work with cult victims to release the beautiful human being unduly encased in the cold, unyielding stone of cult constraints.

“The long day wanes: The slow moon climbs; The deep Moans round with many voices. Come, my friends, Tis not too late to seek a newer world.”

– Tennyson, Ulysses

[scxrlettwxtches]

a bet | na jaemin

Request: 40 and 28 w/ Na Jaemin ♡ angst and fluff ending please, thank you!

Genre: fluff and angst

Warnings: none!

Word Count: ~2k

Prompt: “I miss you so much, it hurts.” and “I can’t lose you, not again.”

A/N: hi anon! so so sorry all requests are being returned to so late. i hope you enjoy this! i’m actually quite happy with how this turned out. :) anyways, love y’all as usual and thank you for reading my work!

The sky was grey and foreboding when you found out. You could still hear the mocking laughter of the girls you had called friends, looking at you with false pity as they showed you the evidence. As you walked towards your boyfriend’s dorm, the rain began to fall, and by the time you made it to his apartment, you were soaking wet.

Jeno opened the door after you jabbed the doorbell so hard it probably broke. His jaw dropped at the sight of you, “Woah, Y/N. What happened-”

“Where’s Jaemin?” you asked coldly, not in the mood to be friendly with any of the boys, especially after you found out what they had actually been doing.

Jeno looked a second away from running as fast as he could back in the dorm, but answered you nervously, “He’s in the living room, but-”

You didn’t need any other information, so you pushed passed him and allowed yourself into your boyfriend’s home. Water dripped all over the wood floor, but you couldn’t be bothered to wipe it up. He probably deserved worse than a wet floor.

Jaemin was in the living room, sprawled on the couch with his other friends, Chenle, Jisung and Haechan. He didn’t notice you walking in, too immersed in the video game to even care.

It wasn’t until you were merely a couple feet away from him that he finally pulled his eyes away from the television. The moment he saw you, he gasped, throwing his controller to the side of the couch and made motions to stand up, “Y/N, you’re soaking! Did you forget your umbrella? You should’ve called me-”

“Save it.”

Your voice was icy, more terrifying than it had ever been before. Jaemin froze, finally taking a good look at your face and reading your expression. You looked one push away from snapping, and he approached you slowly, eyes concerned.

“What’s going on?” Jaemin’s friends had stopped playing and were looking at the two of you like an interesting tv drama unfolding, “If people were talking again, I could-”

“Oh god, Jaemin, just stop it,” you sighed tiredly. Running a hand through your wet hair, you glared at him, “You can stop acting like you care. The game’s over.”

His eyes grew steely in an instant, “What game?” he sounded terribly confused, but the nervous looks from his friends told the real answer.

“Don’t play coy, Jaemin,” you seethed, “I already heard everything from Yoona. I just want to hear it from you,” Your boyfriend could only look at you, an unreadable expression on his face.

“If I say that they’re right,” he asked slowly, “what are you going to do?”

Maybe you were just losing it by then, but you found that question hilarious. Jaemin flinched at your barking laughter, “What do you think I’m going to do? I’ll end everything, and I’ll pray to every god that’s listening that I never see your face again.”

Jaemin looked as if you had slapped him in the face, which he would’ve preferred over what you just said. He wanted to do anything, say anything, beg for your forgiveness and plead you to stay, but he couldn’t. Pride always played its hand at the worst of times.

You were growing impatient, and you wanted nothing than to leave the prying eyes of Jaemin’s friends.

“Well?”

Jaemin didn’t speak, and you spoke again, “Tell me it isn’t true, please,” your voice broke near the end, and you cursed yourself for showing any hint of vulnerability.

“It’s true. I made a bet with my friends that I could win you over in two months.”

You almost wished you didn’t make Jaemin say it aloud. Your heart dropped to your stomach, and suddenly you felt a gross chill from the wet clothes taped against your body. Mustering all your energy, you laughed breathily.

“Great, glad we got that sorted out,” you said cheerfully. Adjusting your back, you smiled at Jaemin, tears in your eyes, “Thanks for everything, Jaemin.”

You fled the apartment before anyone could see the tears streaming down your face.

Jaemin’s betrayal, or at least what you considered to be betrayal, broke you in some way, but from what you heard from others, it seemed to hurt Jaemin more than it did you. Not that you cared, cause he dug his own grave, you thought.

You did your best to move on, and for the most part you did. Jaemin blew up your phone for more than two weeks with calls and texts. In a decision of anger, you decided not to block his contact, secretly wishing that the hope of you not cutting him out would hurt him more. Still, even someone as determined as Jaemin would give up over time, and his attempts stopped gradually.

A month passed, and you could quite confidently say that you had recovered. You reached out to friends again, went out to have fun, and your studies improved. Everything was going well for you, and yet, during the late nights when you had trouble sleeping, you still thought of him.

Then, one night, a storm hit and the thunder seemed unending.

You hated thunder. You were deathly afraid of it. Frozen in fear, you hid yourself under the covers, whimpering with tears in your eyes. In the depths of your heart, you wished that someone would come, to keep you company, to keep you safe, but you knew it was impossible. No one knew about your phobia, you made sure of it, and now maybe it was here to bite you in the arse.

The thunder continued to boom for what felt like an eternity, and when a particularly close one sounded, you shrieked and began to cry. You wanted to scream until you could only hear you own voice, you wanted to scream until you drowned out the thunder.

Suddenly, you felt someone yank the covers off of you. Terrified, you jumped up, backing away to press yourself against the headboard of the bed. This was it, you were going to die and-

“Y/N?”

Such a gentle voice, so comforting, so sickeningly familiar. You heard the blankets being thrown on the floor as he approached you carefully. He brushed his fingers against your shoulder slowly, and only then did you dare look up, because maybe it wasn’t just a dream.

“Jaemin,” you let out a half whimper, half sigh. Just seeing his beautiful face made you reasonably angry again, but you couldn’t help the feeling of relief seep in because you weren’t alone now.

The boy looked at you worriedly, but he also looked unsure of himself, as if he didn’t know what he could and could not do anymore.

Oh, you forgot. Jaemin was the one person who knew about your fear.

Boom. Another round of thunder sounded, one close enough to feel underneath the floor. You flinched harshly, your arms wrapped around yourself and your nails began to rake across your skin in anxiety.

“No, please don’t do that,” Jaemin’s caution went out the window the moment he saw you begin to hurt yourself. He climbed onto the bed without hesitation, kneeling in front of your curled form. Gently but firmly, he pulled your arms away, prying your fingers open, “Come here.”

Without thinking, you instinctively fell into Jaemin’s embrace, wrapping your arms around him. Jaemin responded instantly, supporting you like it was the easiest thing to do. He stroked your hair, whispering soft comforting words.

The sound of thunder fell away from your attention as Jaemin held you close, and after a long period of comforting silence, you finally dared to speak, your voice hoarse.

“Why are you here?” you asked.

Jaemin continued to stroke your hair as he answered, “Because I knew this thunderstorm would’ve been awful for you to bear alone.”

Your heart felt warmer, because you hadn’t dreamed in a million years that Jaemin would’ve remembered such a trivial fear you mentioned only once or twice. But still, the seeds of doubt and hurt were strong.

“But why are you here, really?”

You just wanted it. You just wanted the cold rejection to quash that little hope in your heart. You wanted him to say it was just some sudden pity.

Jaemin held you tighter, “Because I missed you so much, it hurts.”

Tears fell down your face, because that was so cruel. How were you supposed to forget the only boy you’ve ever loved if he said something like this?

“You never came back,” you said, accusation clear in your tone.

“I know, and every day I stayed away killed me,” Jaemin confessed, “I didn’t want you to see me until it stopped hurting.”

You couldn’t help but laugh, “Jaemin, what you did will never stop hurting.”

“I know,” he sounded so distraught, so desperate, “I know, and I’ll never stop being sorry. The bet... I never meant for it to go so far. I just-” Jaemin paused, “I just fell in so deep that I never wanted to get out.”

Maybe you were weak-willed, but despite everything, Jaemin was being genuine and you knew it. As a way of showing your forgiveness, you buried your face deep in his chest. You felt his heart suddenly race as he held you with all his strength. He lay his head on yours, the relief seeping in that the girl he loved had forgiven him.

“Would you,” he started doubtfully, “give me another chance? I won’t waste it, not this time.”

You hesitated for a long second, a billion thoughts racing through your head. Jaemin tensed, expecting a rejection, but then you relaxed in his arms, and nodded.

“Alright, one more chance.”

~                                                          ~                                                       ~

 “What are you thinking about?”

A sweet voice interrupted your absent minded cooking as two arms wrapped around your waist. The man held you tightly, placing his chin on your shoulder while you worked. His breath brushed against your ear, causing shivers to run up and down your arms.

You hummed, attention still on the cutting board, “Nothing important.”

The answer didn’t seem to satisfy your boyfriend, who buried his face in the crook of your neck, his soft hair tickling your cheek. You giggled, squirming in his arms while trying to cook at the same time. Not easy.

“Tell me,” Jaemin whined, “I know it’s not ‘nothing.’ You have that look on your face.”

“What look?”

Jaemin shrugged, “That look you have when you think of something sad.”

“I’m not thinking of anything particularly sad,” you said thoughtfully as you placed the freshly cut ingredients in a large bowl.

Jaemin frowned suddenly, “So it is something sad.”

You sighed dramatically, turning to face your boyfriend, “Jaeminnie, I just said-”

“You can tell me anything, you know that right?” his voice sounded so gentle and concerned. He lifted your chin up to look at him properly, “Don’t hold it all in. Please.”

A tense moment passed as the two of you looked at each other, and then you sagged, “I was just thinking about a bad time in my life, that’s all,” you said honestly.

“What time?” Jaemin pressed on softly, not because he was nosy, but only because he was worried when you kept all your negative thoughts to yourself.

You wondered whether you should answer truthfully, and you figured it was for the best, “The time we split up.”

Jaemin visibly flinched. His hand left your face as he sighed, “I could feel guilty for the rest of my life, but it’ll never be the same again, will it?”

“It’ll always be there, but we’ve moved on,” you reached for his hand, rubbing it gently, “I’ve already forgiven you, I promise.”

Your words seemed to relax Jaemin, whose shoulders visibly sagged. He returned to you slowly, arms out to envelop you in a hug, but before he could, you stopped him with a finger pushing against his forehead. He made a noise of annoyance at being denied cuddles.

“As long as you promise,” you said sternly, “never to use my emotions as a joke, ever again.”

Jaemin ignored your accusing finger, pulling you into his chest, “Absolutely. I won’t-I can’t lose you, not again.”

[handlingthis-megara-blog]

Megara Tilusi Gonzalez Egan – Character Sheet

i'm bad at love / but you can't blame me for tryin' /you know i'd be lyin' sayin' / you were the one / that could finally fix me / lookin' at my history / i'm bad at love / oh, you know, you know, you know, you know / i'm bad at love / i'm bad at love

i know that you're afraid / i’m gonna walk away / each time the feeling fades / each time the feeling fades / i know that you're afraid / i'm gonna walk away / each time the feeling fades

Archetype — The Adventurer Birthday — November 1, 1985 Zodiac Sign — Scorpio sun, Sagittarius rising, Gemini moon MBTI — ENTP Enneagram — 5: the Investigator Temperament — Melancholic Hogwarts House — Ravendor Moral Alignment — Chaotic Neutral Primary Vice — Greed Primary Virtue — Diligence Element — Earth

Overview:

Mother — Margaret Gonzalez Egan Father — Ahsan Egan (nee Haroun) Mother’s Occupation — Abandoned Meg, so who gives a fuck, right? (She’s a police officer, ex-military, random hc: she works with Copper, bc I always make everyone from Cork.) Father’s Occupation — Writer/stay at home dad. Family Finances — Not great, not terrible. Birth Order — Only child. Brothers —  None. Sisters — None. Other Close Family — None, her father doesn’t talk to his family in India and her mother’s family was never in the picture. Best Friend — None. Other Friends — None. Enemies — Ninsun, but she also sorta likes her? It’s fucked up. Her ex--Canis Greenleaf. Pets — None, though Ninsun takes the form of a sandy colored Persian cat. Home Life During Childhood — It started out pretty good, when she was five, they moved to Iraq because of her mom’s work. (She was a technician for the military, high ranking, she wasn’t out in the field.) They moved back to Ireland when Meg was ten. Her mom left abruptly when she was thirteen. She found out later that her parents had been fighting for a while and it wasn’t as abrupt as she thought. Still, her mom didn’t even say goodbye to her or anything, so that sucked. She rebelled as a young teen, smoked, did (minor) drugs, etc, etc. Had a boyfriend at the age 13. Once she got into secondary, she settled down a bit because she was actually being challenged in school and really enjoyed herself. Town or City Name(s) — Cork, Ireland -- Baghdad, Iraq -- Cork, Ireland What Did His or Her Bedroom Look Like — Posters everywhere, always looked like a tornado had blown through. Oscillated between girly and punk. Any Sports or Clubs — Book club, chess club, football Favorite Toy or Game — Crosswords. Also Clue. Schooling — Went to public schools and military schools, got her undergrad at Dublin, masters at Oxford, PhD at Cambridge and then La Sorbonne. Favorite Subject — History Popular or Loner — Loner, but had a loyal group. Important Experiences or Events — Her mother leaving/getting accepted to school/living in Saudi/her experience with her ex Nationality — Irish Culture — an Irish/Indian/Middle Eastern hybrid Religion and beliefs — Spiritual, but doesn’t exactly have a religion, much to her father’s dismay.

Physical Appearance:

Face Claim —  Summer Bishil Complexion — Golden/brown Hair Colour — Dark brown   Eye Colour — Brown Height — 5’3 Build — short but kind of sporty/curvy Tattoos — probably one or two Piercings — ears, had a septum when she was younger, has a nose piercing. Common Hairstyle — usually down or in a high pony, occasionally a braid. Clothing Style — a little femme punk is probably the best way to describe it. Leather jacket, dark wash jeans, boots. Mannerisms — purses her lips a lot, can talk animatedly with her hands and body when she gets passionate about something, but tends to be rather still otherwise.   Usual Expression —

Health:

Overall (do they get sick easily)? — not really? Travel always makes her a little sick though. Physical Ailments — well sometimes her eye sees into the underworld which can give her mad vertigo lol Neurological Conditions — none Allergies —  none Grooming Habits — loves a good groom; treats herself to baths n face masks n such all the time Sleeping Habits — not so great these days, underworld nightmares, am I right? Eating Habits — good, she doesn’t eat beef, loves a good salad, a good curry, lots of protein and good for you food. Exercise Habits —  tries to exercise regularly in a lowkey way, though she has gotten a little worse in the last few months. Emotional Stability — hot temper but tries to control it behind an air of indifference. Body Temperature — runs a little cold, especially these days Sociability — used to be much more extroverted than she is now. Extroversion is her natural setting. Addictions — knowledge. Drug Use — in secondary Alcohol Use — frequent

Your Character’s Character:

Bad Habits — abrasive, snarky, untrusting Good Habits — loyal af, self care af Best Characteristic — loyalty and being like a dog w a bone when faced with a problem. Worst Characteristic — not letting anyone in Worst Memory — finding Canis cheating Best Memory — going on her first dig! Proud of — her degree Embarrassed by — her feelings lol Driving Style — a lil reckless Strong Points — fierce, loyal, smart, a bad bitch Temperament — easy and quick to anger, always bitter Attitude — needs an adjustment Weakness — her heart and thirst for knowledge Fears — becoming invisible (not successful in her career, with no friends.) Phobias — none Secrets — so many Regrets — Canis. Feels Vulnerable When — she feels emotions for someone Pet Peeves — so many things but mansplaining is the original sin Conflicts — trust v preservation Motivation — being successful af Short Term Goals and Hopes — publish a book Long Term Goals and Hopes — be the best known in her field Sexuality — bisexual Day or Night Person — night Introvert or Extrovert — introverted extrovert Optimist or Pessimist — pessimist af

Likes and Styles:

Movies — Indiana Jones, The Mummy Movies--the classic archaeological films, of course. Also into horror movies and slashers, to the concern of her parents. Though, she also had a soft spot for certain romances: Titanic and Moulin Rouge. Her absolute favorite is Big Fish. Good luck prying that out of her. Books — loves books. Prefers nonfiction but can get into a good fiction. Magazines — none Foods — Indian food. The thing she always missed being away from home was her dad’s cooking. Drinks — Big water drinker. A water with a little lemon is her go to. Also, vodka with a little lemon. She’s not picky. Especially these days. What? She can hold her alcohol. Animals — Owls, or púcaí, which is an Irish creature that was always benevolent to Meg, since she was born on Puca day. Sports — loves a good game of football  Social Issues — women’s rights, anything discriminatory she’s fiercely against Favorite Saying — some old middle eastern proverb probably Color — purples and pinks, they’re soft, lovely colors. She doesn’t wear them very often, but they’re definitely her favorites. She has like purple binders and a purple phone case, stuff like that, where you can definitely pick up on her favorite. Though, her favorite shade is probably a magenta kind of color, as that is what the “purple” of the ancient world would look like. She also is a big fan of turquoise and owns a lot of turquoise jewelry, both because she likes it and also because it has protective powers. Clothing — loves her leather jacket, wears lots of boots and darker colors. Jewelry — usually can be seen wearing a decent amount of jewelry. Games — clue is her fave, also likes word games and puzzle games, etc. Music — Dad rock. Loves KISS, Bruce Springsteen, Pearl Jam, The National, Counting Crows. Classics like Queen and the Beatles, etc. She also loves some good girl groups and artists. Definitely a fan of Florence and Beyonce, Elle King, Ginny Wigmore, Aretha Franklin, Christina Aguilera--I could keep going. She’s an avid music-consumer. Definitely that person that hung posters on their wall and was obsessed with certain band members and groups.  Greatest Want — to be the very best, like no one ever was Greatest Need — to learn to trust in her heart

Where and How Does Your Character Live Now:

Home — Castle Suites Household furnishings — modern n chic, tho also lots of books Favorite Possession — probably her books Most Cherished Possession — the recipe book her dad gave her when she moved out the first time. Married Before — nope, was secretly engaged though Significant Other Before — a few dates here or there but she was always focused on her studies Children — god no Relationship with Family — she’s a daddy’s girl for sure, but they’ve been distant since the Ifrit. Car — none, she can drive tho Career — archaeologist/professor Dream Career — exactly what she’s doing Dream Life — exactly her life minus the huge betrayal and the Ifrit. Though, the Ifrit has its perks. Love Life — no. Talents or Skills — has access to pretty unlimited knowledge thanks to the Ifrit, but she’s hella smart on her own. Knows several languages, also really sharp reflexes. Intelligence Level — high Finances — stable

[l0vey-d0vey-moved]

fe3h v1

im going thro my drafts and finally posting my fe3h s/i! no reference though :( i’ll get to it later :0

warning - there are spoilers 4 the golden deer route in this !!

(tw; minor mentions of abuse)

PROFILE

Real Name: circe von magnolia

Given Name: shiloh ???

Nickname(s): lilo, lio

Pronouns: they/them or she/her

Zodiac: sagittarius

Orientation: demi-biromantic asexual

Weapon(s): 

gauntlets; they allow circe to release bursts of their own magic while still being effective enough on their own to pack a punch. 

sword/dagger; just in case they need to stab someone. the dagger can extend into a sword, and vice versa! 

House: golden deer (student)

Theme Song(s): best friend by rex orange county, i won’t say (i’m in love) from hercules, falling for u ft. mxmtoon by peachy!, booty swing by parov stelar, fake! fake! by a crow is white, bruno is orange by hop along, the only exception by paramore, 

Voice Claim: felicia from fe:h/connor kelley

Appearance

[PRE-TIMESKIP] 

curly yet messy light brown hair that goes down to their mid-back. it later gets cut to just above their shoulders. baby blue eyes. pale skin with freckles scattered across skin. some burn scars on hands. a scar on their lip, some of their fingers. they later get more all over their body. sharp canines. 5′3″.

black circular glasses on face or hooked onto collar. black choker w/ white string around neck. bandages covering hands up to wrists, for fist-fighting purposes. that, or fingerless gloves with their palms showing. a small black hoop earring on both ears, and during battle they have two blue cat-marking-like streaks on both sides of their face.

standard golden deer clothing. 

[POST-TIMESKIP] 

Personality

[PRE-TIMESKIP] 

shiloh is an extremely shy and soft-spoken individual. they’re fidgety and easy to scare (they sometimes turn into an animal when spooked by someone!). they hide in the their room and are often seen staring off into space, stuck in their daydreams of how to get back to their room so they don’t have to socialize. as seen, they’re extremely anti-social and they don’t open up easily.

when they do open up however, they are the kindest and sweetest person ever. next to mercedes, ofc. they’re unintentionally pretty clingy due to personal phobias + fears, and constantly need reassurance that someone is here with them. they are very protective over their loved ones, as well as affectionate; though, they’re ready to die for one of their loved ones if that means they’ll live.

though, if they’re in love with someone, they tend to push down the feeling in fear of being rejected and abandoned. they’d rather be friends with someone and be secretly in love with them rather than to confess their feelings and be rejected. not only that, but they’re terrified of hurting their friends with their own magic, because they often can’t handle/control it. this is also another reason they stay in their room so much; to practice their magic and to learn how to control it. (their magic tends to be in sync with their emotions)

shiloh in private is loud, boisterous and passionate about their interests. they’re cheerful and optimistic, and will talk so much that they’ll talk your ear off. they’re also an avid animal-lover, and somehow an animal-whisperer. 

[POST-TIMESKIP]

shiloh now goes by their full name, “circe von magnolia” and only goes by shiloh by their friends and sister, byleth. they are a quiet and serious individual who only wishes for peace in Fodlan. 

Biography

shiloh was kidnapped from their blood family at a young age, brought from an entirely different island to the leicester alliance area. they were neglected and abused until they were in their early teens, to which they escaped their kidnapper. their kidnapped attempted to hunt them down and almost caught them, but were killed at the hands of jeralt who brought them in as his own child and gave them the name “shiloh”. 

they aspired to be apart of the officer’s academy, but jeralt’s traveling mercenary group held them back. though, once byleth starts teaching at the academy, they are able to attend (finally). they at first don’t trust rhea at all, but learn to as the story progresses.

before shit goes down in the five-year timeskip, though, they are forced to return home to their blood family to take over the kingdom from their dying parents. during that entire period, they learn to rule over their kingdom and become the ruling royalty while their sickly parents step down for their health.

when shiloh learns of byleth’s and rhea’s supposed deaths and the betrayal of edelgard, they pledge their support against the empire [secretly] through letters to claude. they explain that they are unable to leave their own kingdom, as their own kingdom is in a state of unrest + uneasiness and them leaving would only tear their kingdom apart.

once the day of the millennium festival comes, they immediately traveled to the monastery and reunited with their classmates, their [unofficial] boyfriend claude and their sister byleth. 

[ bio will be updated as i play the game ]

Trivia

their blood family rules over the island of “Ogygia” (oh-g-g-ah).

ogygia is calypsos’ island in greek mythology, known for being supposedly “unfindable”.

they have the same crest as byleth, which is the crest of flames (?).

shiloh’s crest allows their body to handle their extremely powerful magic that they otherwise wouldn’t have been able to handle by themselves.

they’re terrible at handling axes, bows and lances. the only “classic” weapon they can really stand w/o falling over or stabbing someone is a sword

they’ve tried to get training from each of the respective house leaders, but p much fails each time.

their proficiency in magic allows them to change their appearance, though in very small amounts so far. as of now, they’re only able to change their hair/eye color

also with their magic, they can shift into different animals as long as they’ve seen them in real life. 

they’ve burnt their hands numerous times from their magic, and often cover it up with bandages in hopes that no one will notice. if anyone asks, they use the excuse that it’s for fist-fighting, which isn’t exactly a lie

they don’t practice the religion of “seiros” and often blatantly avoid the church aspect of their school, despite being at a monastery-esque school. 

due to this, they have an extreme disliking for rhea and the knights of seiros, but of course they would never say this out loud.

they’re mysteriously drawn to the sea, though they’re actively terrified of it. they’ve never really known why, though.

it’s revealed later that they were drawn to the sea by a “need” to be with their original family and kingdom.

they also enjoy bird-watching and taking care of wyverns/dragons.

[flightfoot]

Apollo has PTSD

So I’m planning on going through all of Apollo’s various mental issues that I’ve seen, was going to go through them all here... and then realized that PTSD was long enough to deserve a post on its own. Seriously, he’s shown signs of PTSD from SEVERAL different sources, though surprisingly enough, none from the events of TOA itself... yet. I’m betting that’ll change with Jason’s and Crest’s deaths, though.

PTSD

 I think most people know what this looks like. It’s been discussed in popular culture rather a lot in recent years For those who don’t, here’s a quick briefing on it. I’m using that guide for my PTSD criteria. 

Daphne: Even after all this time, he still harbors an intense guilt over her fate, has a tendency to start crying when reminded of her, and tries to avoid forests:

I wanted to say: You remind me of someone. But I didn’t dare open that line of conversation. Only two mortals ever had broken my heart. Even after so many centuries, I couldn’t think of her, couldn’t say her name without falling into despair. (THO 23)

As I said earlier, I was generally not a fan of the woods. I tried to convince myself that the trees were not watching me, scowling and whispering among themselves. They were just trees. Even if they had dryad spirits, those dryads couldn’t possibly hold me responsible for what had happened thousands of years ago on a different continent.

Why not? I asked myself. You still hold yourself responsible. (THO 43)

A woman whispered in my ear. This time I knew the voice well. It had never stopped haunting me. You did this to me. Come. Chase me again.

Fear rolled through my stomach.

I imagined the branches turning to arms; the leaves undulated like green hands.

Daphne, I thought.

Even after so many centuries, the guilt was overwhelming. I could not look at a tree without thinking of her. Forests made me nervous. The life force of each tree seemed to bear down on me with righteous hatred, accusing me of so many crimes….I wanted to fall to my knees. I wanted to beg forgiveness. But this was not the time.

I couldn’t allow the woods to confuse me again. I would not let anyone else fall into its trap. (THO 83)

Apollo can’t stop remembering what happened to her, checking off the “Re-experiencing” box. He shows avoidance symptoms: he tries to avoid things that remind him of her (which is pretty difficult, considering that “trees” are on that list, and he happens to love the outdoors). He doesn’t seem to have the arousal and reactivity symptoms all that badly, unless feeling tense while around reminders of the event counts. He definitely has the cognition and mood symptoms though, since he has those intense feelings of guilt and negative thoughts about himself, which he admitted in his failure song:

I sang of my failures, my eternal heartbreak and loneliness. I was the worst of the gods, the most guilt-ridden and unfocused. I couldn’t commit myself to one lover. I couldn’t even choose what to be the god of. I kept shifting from one skill to another—distracted and dissatisfied.

My golden life was a sham. My coolness was pretense. My heart was a lump of petrified wood. (145)

Of course, Daphne isn’t the only cause of his PTSD: not by a long shot.

Hyacinthus: While Apollo doesn’t seem to have quite as many PTSD symptoms in regard to Hyacinthus’s fate - his guilt over his death doesn’t appear to be quite as intense for starters, since Zephyros can reasonably be blamed for most of it - he still exhibits some of the symptoms. He feels intense sorrow over Hyacinthus’s fate, and has a tendency to break down when reminded of his death:

I opened my eyes and saw a ghost—his face just as precious to me as Daphne’s. I knew his copper skin, his kind smile, the dark curls of his hair, and those eyes as purple as senatorial robes.

“Hyacinthus,” I sobbed. “I’m so sorry…”

He turned his face toward the sunlight, revealing the ugly dent above his left ear where the discus had struck him. My own wounded face throbbed in sympathy.

“Seek the caverns,” he said. “Near the springs of blue. Oh, Apollo…your sanity will be taken away, but do not…”

His image faded and began to retreat. I rose from my sickbed. I rushed after him and grabbed his shoulders. “Do not what? Please don’t leave me again!”

[...]

How cruel to see them—the flowers that I had created to honor my fallen love, with their plumes stained red like his blood or hued violet like his eyes. They bloomed so cheerfully in the window, reminding me of the joy I had lost. (141).

Later, in Burning Maze, Apollo loses his temper in his grief over being reminded of Hyacinthus by Herophile’s crossword puzzle:

First the maze forced me to read Walt Whitman. Now it taunted me with my own past. To mention my dead love, to reduce him to a bit of Oracle trivia... No. This was too much.

I sat down on the rim of the fountain and cupped my face in my hands.

[...]

I surged to my feet, my sadness converting to anger. My friends edged away. I supposed I must have looked like a crazy man, and that’s indeed how I felt.

[...]

“Enough is enough! HYACINTH!” I yelled into the corridors. “The answer is HYACINTH! Are you happy?” (TBM 350-351)

His grief still feels fresh, even after all this time. Mind you, I don’t think what’s shown here alone is enough to say he has PTSD over Hyacinthus’s death in particular, but it just compounds the symptoms of PTSD he already had from other events.

That’s still not the end of PTSD symptoms Apollo has accrued over his lovers’ fates. Can’t forget about Commodus.

Commodus: Now, I’m gonna have some trouble categorizing “flashbacks” here. Apollo regularly gets overwhelmed with past memories while in his mortal form, and they frequently don’t appear to be PTSD related, such as his flashback to transforming Emmie and her sister into gods or his memories of Herophile’s past. Still, he’s traumatized by his flashbacks of Commodus in ways that he isn’t for other flashbacks.

When Calypso asks Apollo about combat ostriches, he’s thrown into a flashback of the last time he saw Commodus before he became emperor. He’s distraught after the vision ends:

Then he left the tent - walking, as the Romans would say, into the mouth of the wolf.

“Apollo,” Calypso nudged my arm.

“Don’t go!” I pleaded. Then my past life burned away. (TDP 124)

The vision’s ended at this point, since he’s aware of Calypso again, but mentally, he’s still there, pleading for Commodus to come back - because he knows what will happen to him. But what’s done is done, and no amount of pleading will change the past.

He has a much worse flashback later on, when he remembers murdering Commodus.

Her words struck me in the gut like one of Artemis’s blunted arrows (and I can assure you, those hurt.)

We can take him.

The name of my old friend, shouted over and over.

I staggered to my feet, gagging, my tongue trying to dislodge itself from my throat.

“Whoa, Apollo.” Leo rushed to my side. “You okay?”

“I-” another dry retch. I staggered toward the nearest bathroom as a vision engulfed me... bringing me back to the day I committed murder.

[...]

But as I stumbled to the bathroom, ready to vomit into a toilet I had cleaned just yesterday, dreadful memories consumed me. I found myself in ancient Rome on a cold winter day when I truly did commit a terrible act. (176-177)

Other times Apollo’s had flashbacks, he’s collapsed, but he hasn’t felt this much distress. Needing to strangle Commodus affected him BADLY, as he accounts at the end of the flashback:

Britomartis was wrong. I didn’t fear water. I simply couldn’t look at the surface of any pool without imagining Commodus’s face, stung with betrayal, staring up at me.

The vision faded. My stomach heaved. I found myself hunched over a different water basin - a toilet in the Waystation.

I’m not sure how long I knelt there, shivering, retching, wishing I could get rid of my hideous mortal frame as easily as I lost my stomach contents. (TDP 182)

                                                                                                                                Honestly, this flashback really comes across as being at least influenced by PTSD, considering his highly negative physical reaction to it, which fulfills the “re-experiencing” criteria.

As for avoidance: well, he tries to avoid still pools of water in order to avoid memories of the murder (kinda sucks how commonplace Apollo’s triggers are).

For arousal and reactivity: Apollo just doesn’t have these symptoms as much. Immediately after being reminded he’s slightly snappish, but I don’t think it’s enough to really qualify.

And finally, for cognition and mood symptoms: well he definitely has some feelings of guilt over this, though guilt over the murder itself isn’t all that distorted since, you know, he DID murder him. But he also feels guilt over the events that led up to Commodus going off the deep end, which aren’t really his fault:

I sobbed and hugged the commode - the only thing in the universe that wasn’t spinning. Was there anyone I hadn’t betrayed and disappointed? Any relationship I hadn’t destroyed? (TDP 183)

Negative feelings about oneself: check. Distorted sense of guilt or blame: considering that Apollo didn’t really have a choice in this, him either killing Commodus, or letting someone else do it after he destroyed Rome some more, I’m gonna say check.  

So yeah, at this point Apollo doesn’t really have any faith in himself to even HAVE relationships, though he at least seems to feel a little better after a visit with Jo.

Not all of Apollo’s trauma is related to his dead lovers, though. Who can forget the first source of his trauma, Python!

Python: So the trauma with Python is more hinted at, than fully explored. I have a feeling we’ll see it more in subsequent books, as Apollo gets closer to taking him down again. At least this trauma doesn’t fill Apollo with guilt, so, small mercy there. Also, his memory loss is actually kinda nice here, since the memory of fighting Python is blurred. Python TERRIFIES Apollo, especially in his vulnerable mortal state. He had nightmares of Python for centuries afterwards, and he has a phobia of scaly reptiles, to the extent that he only barely tolerates Hermes’ Caduceus’ snakes. He hasn’t really had flashbacks to the fight that much, though he DOES remember being trapped in Python’s coils when Meg is ALSO caught in a serpent’s coils:

I knew the strength of such a serpent. I remembered being wrapped in Python’s coils, my divine ribs cracking, my godly ichor being squeezed into my head and threatening to spurt out my ears. (TDP 201)

So I guess that MIGHT count as a flashback? Overall though, his trauma with Python seems to mostly just be “that was a nightmarish and scary fight”, but he won and it doesn’t really seem as emotionally taxing as the other things I’ve listed. At least this one doesn’t cause him any cognitive or mood symptoms.

Lastly, I want to talk about something I’ve left OFF the list: Zeus’s lightning. As much as it would make sense for him to have PTSD over being zapped by it, he doesn’t really show signs of it. He acknowledges being hit by the bolts and says he hates it, but the most obvious trigger, lightning, doesn’t actually seem to freak him out.

Still... something was strange about his use of lightning. I could always recognize the power of Zeus in action. I’d been zapped by his bolts often enough. Jamie’s electricity was different - a more humid scent of ozone, a darker red hue to the flashes. (TDP 361-362)

He certainly notes the similarities to Zeus’s lightning, but he doesn’t seem to have any flashbacks or be scared of it. And in TBM, he doesn’t seem especially freaked out by Jason’s use of lightning, even though it WOULD feel the same. 

Before he could recover and decapitate her, Jason got overexcited. 

I say that because of the lightning. The sky outside flashed, the curved wall of glass shattered, and tendrils of electricity wrapped around Timbre, frying him into an ash pile.

Effective, yes, but not the sort of stealth we’d been hoping for. (TBM 251-252)

Apollo just isn’t all that much more freaked out by lightning than he should be. I’m not ENTIRELY sure why that is - though I do have some speculation - but regardless, he doesn’t seem to have PTSD from this in particular, at least.

Apollo has a crapton of PTSD, and with TBM’s events, I’m betting it’ll get worse before it gets better. He does a pretty good job of functioning though, even WITH PTSD, and doesn’t tend to take it out on others (not that he can at the moment). I feel bad for Apollo, and hope that he can come to peace with some of these issues - at least somewhat - by the end of the series.

PTSD isn’t the ONLY issue Apollo has - not by a long shot - but that’s an analysis for another time.

[antag0nisms]

1/11/2022

it’s just like, so much happened today. the day started pretty good but then it fizzled into shit. i’m not sure when exactly that started but i know that for some reason asking c_______  how having to go to an appointment every week would work. and she was totally fine with that. i only said it was a necessary medical appointment and she didn’t ask any further questions. so i guess i have to maybe figure out fmla stuff? but at least there’s a solution for how much sick time i’ll have to use. and it’s not that i don’t want people to know i’m in therapy but.... i guess i also just don’t want people to know i’m in therapy.

the other thing though was finding out s___ was a tr**p supporter. or at least voted for him? it was so crazy to learn that. like... we’re friends. she was one of like 2 people at work i felt i really connected with. i didn’t expect this at all. she just came across as basically a moderate liberal. which would’ve been fine. but this is like.... it was stupid bc i was saying how i never could’ve been friends w a_____ after she mentioned her husband voted for him. and s___ was like really? and i was like yeah, it’s like, this is not a person i could ever feel comfortable or respected around. and then she said what she said about voting for him.

and she said it would be stupid if that was a reason to stop being friends. not in a really mean way but in a half joking/half serious way. and i was like..... like i had just said how it’s not just a simple political thing to me. like this is about how it impacts the lives of real people. and it feels like she’s just in such an incredibly privileged position, and from everything i know about her she is, where she’s not thinking about how voting for a fckng f**chist like that is so selfish and fucked up. like i don’t know exactly what her reasons were (only that she “had them,” over and over again.) but it sounds like just general dissatisfaction with “both sides” and the system and like that’s nothing. what him being president condemned millions of people to is not nothing.

i just don’t know like. how to move forward. i want to keep being friends, i want to think that i could gradually convince her to move left, bc she’s a compassionate person (to a somewhat steep degree, i’m learning) and a mostly nice person and a mostly accepting person and i think the logical arguments for why she’s wrong and why her views are harmful would work. but it’s just like. i keep thinking about last week (i think ?) when she said i was a “monster” for not liking h***ry p****r. i don’t think she knows about j////k r///ngs tra//ns//phobia, or if she knows she doesn’t care. and she definitely doesn’t know that i’m trans. but god, it was still so hurtful to hear that. so incredibly hurtful. i was so angry. i’ve had fantasy conversations where i explain everything that’s awful about it in hopes of ruining it for her.

i don’t feel like i can ever come out to her now. i don’t feel like i can continue to be friends with her and not feel like i’m being a terribly ally to communities i belong to and communities i’m allied with. i don’t want to, by association with her, be an unsafe person. or a person who’s willing to go back on strongly held beliefs when it’s difficult. i feel that we can be friends but.... it will have to be from a distance. but i don’t know if even enjoying her company moving forward constitutes some kind of... betrayal.

and honestly i keep thinking about how i said in therapy yesterday that i feel so alone because i’m trans. i hadn’t really fully realized that thought until then. but it’s true. it’s so fucking lonely. and there’s something particular about passing and i guess being stealth that’s even lonelier. i constantly feel like i’m in this little category all my own and like i’m lying to everyone all of the time and like i’m still just one wrong move away from disaster. k____ is the only person who might be able to tell, but i honestly don’t know if even she’s picked up on anything.

and i don’t know. the same things i’ve said so many times about this at this point. it’s not that i want to be stealth. but i know that i feel far more validated in my gender when people don’t know i’m trans. it’s like, i know in their heads, they’re considering me as a realer version of my gender by assuming i’m cis. and god i wish i didn’t need that.

the other thing was a____ not being able to talk. i don’t know why i get like, that upset when people say no. even when i know it’s not that she doesn’t want to talk to me, but that she legit just can’t. but what it felt like they were saying was they had no time for me, didn’t want to talk to me, etc. when i was driving home i was just so so mad about it all. it’s 10:30 at night now and i still haven’t responded to her last dm explaining why we couldn’t talk tonight. but it’s like both times this week too when i’ve been having a really shitty day and just wanted to talk to them to make it all better, they couldn’t talk. i know it’s not because they hate me or anything, but it still really hurts. every time it happens, i’m like, i need to text her and tell her that i can’t keep asking like this and she’s going to have to start asking because i just can’t handle it when i get rejected. but i won’t do that, because that’s stupid, and i get over it eventually. but seriously, i feel like my reaction to any perceived rejection is like, abnormal.

anyway. and the last thing is... my brother. i don’t want to think about this, i really, really don’t. but. that probably means i need to think about it. i’m just still mad. it’s the same things i’ve been wanting to say for him and pacing around thinking about saying to him for days now. that i feel like my boundaries aren’t being respected. that i don’t understand why his gf is such a fucking asshole and i feel like she’s just being petty and doesn’t like me. which, whatever, she doesn’t have to like me. but it feels like they’re both being childish when my brother gave me this super final answer about how she’ll never come to our house again. wtf? so my parents are going to be punished bc EYE set a boundary she didn’t like? it feels like, and a____ made this point and i think they’re right, that k**ky ppl are all about consent until YOU set a boundary that THEY don’t like. this is really what this feels like.

and it’s such bullshit!! my image of my brother in my head has been ruined. since he first told me about that, i’ve felt so constantly uncomfortable around him. i think he’s a fucking idiot for acting like this isn’t weird at all and that he shouldn’t feel “ashamed” for it -- like yeah, i guess not, but he needs to be REALISTIC about how other people will perceive this and that it’s not fucking appropriate in all situations!!!! i feel so fucking disgusting and violated for even having to tell him whyyyy this bothers me. i should never have had to do that. and it’s like yeah i hate his gf and i really hope they break up bc i can’t see ever liking her, but dear god if they really do stay together it will not be sustainable for her to never ever come over to this house again. but i cannot tell my parents about this. and i absolutely cannot be in the same space as my brother if he wears that. so. and i’m just so tired of having these stupid ass conversations with him where he refuses to even try to understand my perspective. these conversations where i tell him the same thing over and over and over again and i just hate him more and more. i don’t feel like we’re friends anymore, and i don’t want to be friends with him anymore. but god, i miss when we were friends.

i’m just so angry about this. all of the time. and i don’t know what to do. i NEED to talk to him about this again, but holy shit i don’t want to. i hate this. i hate the way that what would barely even classify as a**se, if we’re being honest, like really honest, continues to pop up as though it’s legitimate trauma like this. i just. i am SO tired of this. it’s been 10 years since i met him. why can’t i be over this by now. why can’t i just be normal again.

[yarking]

Big Ol’ Honkin’ OC Question List-- List two! Also completed under the cut

A. Psychology

What of the Meyers-Briggs personality types they most fit into? INFP, ENFT, et cetera…

Last time I checked he was a istp, but that was before I even got to play him iirc.

What alignment are they? Chaotic neutral, lawful evil, et cetera…

Chaotic good (I tried to be neutral but I have no chill)

Do they have any emotional or psychological conditions? Are they aware of it? Do they try to treat it?

Fitz has a myriad of issues, most of which comes from his C-PTSD. He knows that he doesn’t “work” like other people do, and he wants life to be a little easier, but he’s just sorta guessing at how to do that. Mental Illness isn’t super well understood in Egra, especially stuff unrelated to warfare.

Are they a pessimist or an optimist?

an extremely anxious optimist. He hopes for the best but prepared for the worst.

Are they good at handling change in their life?

Not in the least bit

Does your OC tend to assume their interpretation of events and reality is correct, or do they question it? I.e., “I’m sure that’s what you said” versus “It’s possible I misheard you.”

A lifetime of gaslighting and being a bad judge of character (read: betrayal magnet) as lead him to seriously doubt everything but a few skills and his sense of danger.

Is your OC confident in their reactions to life in general, or do they get embarrassed or easily shamed for it? I.e., if something startles them, do they insist it WAS scary? When they cry, do they feel like they overreacted?

He will insist it was scary, but as a mask for his own embarassment. This is more about defensivness than his perception of his own reactions. I don’t think he’d think much about that, just how others will treat him for it.

Is your OC a martyr?

I guess technically, lol

Does your OC make a lot of excuses? For themselves? Others?

he’d call them “reasons”, but sometimes. Depends on what.

Does your OC compromise easily? Too easily?

Fitz is pretty terrible at compromising when it has anything to do with something he percieves as just or injust. He can think very black-and-white, but if it’s an a-moral decision he can be flexible.

Does your OC put others’ needs before their own?

yes, but more because he’s comfortable with deprivation

Does your OC have any addictions? If so and problematic, have they admitted it to themselves?

I’m not sure if you’d call hypersexuality an addiction, but I think he would if he was honest with himself. Which he’s not. He’s also an adrenaline junkie and needs a little bit of danger or else he gets too anxious waiting for something to happen.

Does your OC have any phobias? If so, where did they come from?

Fitz has tons of fears, though idk about any true phobias. He “is reasonably wary” of heights and needles “because they can be dangerous” and he’s flat-out scared of some forms of touch (especially when he’s not expecting it) and alcohol poisoning (the latter of which probably being his truest phobia. He won’t even take a drink.)

Is your character empathetic?

painfully so

Is your character observant?

+4 perception beyotch

Does your OC have to go through their own trials to learn a lesson, or do they listen and learn from observation and lecture? I.e., does your OC listen when someone tries to tell them the importance of budgeting, or do they have to go experience what happens if you don’t budget first?

When he was younger he was a bit more rebellious and disregarded advice as a means of acting out and testing his autonomy, but Fitz is usually surprisingly willing to listen and observe to learn. Whether he puts what he learns into practice or just chooses to make bad choices is a different mtter.

What’s one of your OC’s proudest moments of themselves?

When he was given his first edged greatsword, and then when he managed to use it to cut through a training dummy the first time.

Do they get jealous easily? Do they feel bad if they do?

YES VERY, and only if he recognizes that’s what’s going on. He will more likely feel guilty for trying to “keep” someone when they could be with “someone better”

What instantly irritates them or puts them in a bad mood?

Lack of empathy, especially when compassion would be at no loss to the person in question.

Are they harsh on themselves?

yup

Do they make excuses often?

he’d call it “reasons”

Is your OC intended to be found generally attractive? Unattractive? Average? Is there a reason why?

I mean, I think he’s pretty hot.

Does your OC place much importance on their appearance? Do they feel confident in it?

That’s super complicated. He’s confident until it matters.

What are some of your OC’s biggest personal obstacles? This could be emotional, physical, social… Are they aware of it? Are they trying to overcome it?

Fitz has had a rough time of it, and every time I make a choice for him IC, I make those choices through the lense of his trauma. He’s got a long way to go before he knows how to be happy, but he’s working on it.

B. Social

Do they believe you have to give respect to get it, or get respect to give it?

No. You start with respect, and you can lose it.

Do they get frustrated when lines at places like pharmacies, check-outs, delis, banks, et cetera, are moving slowly?

It depends on his mood. He can get irritated if he’s feeling anxious, and he’s anxious when he hasn’t done enough.

Under what situations would they get angry at servers, staff, customer service, et cetera?

Very obvious malicious intent, or gross apathy. It it’s something he’d be ashamed of doing himself, then he might get curt with someone.

Do they tip well? How easily can they be moved to not leave a tip?

They tip too much. Calm down Fitz

Do they hold doors open for people?

Nope, you got a working arm (in theory, even Var has at least one)

Would your OC let someone ahead of them in line if your OC had a big cart and the person behind them had very few items?

Yeah, probably regularly

How do they respond to babies crying in public?

Waving and making faces at it

Is your OC considered funny? Do they believe they’re funny?

I don’t think that’s my decision to make? I don’t know if he’d think he was funny, though. Probably not.

What kind of humor does your OC like the most? Slapstick, ironic, funny sounds, scare pranks, xD sO rAnDoM…

wordplay, sarcasm, irony

Does your OC find any “bad” or “mean” humor funny? Do they wish they didn’t?

Sometimes. He’s fine with gallows humor, but he doesn’t like man humor (unless they REALLY deserve it, such as Una).

Your OC is running late to meeting someone: Do they let the other person know? Do they lie about why they’re late?

They let them know and apologize too much.

Your OC orders something to eat and gets their order done in a pretty wrong way, something they can’t just pick off or whatnot to correct, or something major is missing. What do they do?

Eat it anyway. Fitz’ll eat anything. He might order it again and specify carefully so they get it right if it’s a specific thing he’s craving or bread

Do they have a large or small group of friends?

Fitz having friends is already assuming a lot, but probably small.

Do they have people they are genuinely honest with about themselves?

not right now, no

Does your OC enjoy social events, such as parties, clubs, et cetera..?

god no

Does your OC like to be the center of attention or more in the mix?

Fitz is more of a one-on-one kinda guy if he can help it.

C. Morality

Does your OC have a moral code? If not, how do they base their actions? If so, where does it come from, and how seriously do they take it?

Fitz has a STRONG moral center based around minimizing harm. He takes it very seriously.

Would your OC feel bad if they acted against their morals? If not, would they find a way to excuse themselves for it?

As far as Fitzs is concern, his morals are his modivation. He wouldn’t have any reason to act against them, and if he did, then he’d reason that it was to minimize his own harm.

Is it important for them to be with people (socially, intimately, whatever) whose major ideological tenets align with their own?

It can be. He can be with someone whose less interested in morality and justice, but being callous in front of him is a MAJOR turn off

Do they consider themselves superior or more important than anyone else? Lesser?

Yes and no? If you asked him he’d say no, but he does hold his moral code up as very important, and can sometimes act very self-rightously and self-important as a result. He’s also got some privillage ingrained in him from his noble origins

Do your OC’s morals and rules of common decency go out the window when it comes to those they don’t like, or when it’s inconvenient? Aka, are their morals situational?

Those he doesn’t like are usually BECAUSE they cross his moral code. In which case, he might act against them as a way he percieved to enact “justice”. However, he can also mistake dislike of someone for them ACTING unjust, IE- someone rubs him the wrong way and he’s more susceptible to thinking they’re Bad People. He’s emotionally immature like that.

What do they do when they see someone asking for money or food? If they ignore them, why? If they help, how so?

Fitz would absolutely help them. If he’s completely out of money he’d help them steal something if need be; he doesn’t believe in people going hungry.

Do they believe people change over time? If so, is it a natural process or does it take effort?

He hasn’t really thought about that. People go in and out of his life quickly enough that he’s never had the occasion to wonder, really. He hopes people can, though. He’s trying.

Is your OC more practical or ideal morally? I.e., do they hold people to high expectations of behavior even if it’s not realistic for the situation, or do they have a more realistic approach and adapt their morality to be more practical?

I feel like practicality is built into his morality; if someone is starving then it is MOST moral for them to steal, even if stealing in other instances is not.

D. Religion and Life and Death

How religious is your OC? What do they practice, if anything? If they don’t associate with any religion, what do they think of religion in general?

Fitz thinks of gods like he’d think of a powerful politician: you can follow them and hope that their favor, but it’s usually at the cost of doing what they say. Fitz is fine without a divine sugar daddy- he prefers to be untethered.

Do they believe in an afterlife?

Yeah, cos that’s canon I think?

How comfortable are they with the idea of death?

Comfortable with it, not super wanting to experience it tho lol

Would they like to be immortal? Why, why not? If they are immortal, would they rather not be?

They’d want to be. Fitz is a survivor. If he would in any circumstance want to relinquish his life just for the sake of no longer having to live, he’d have done it by now.

Do they believe in ghosts? If not, why? If so, do they think they’re magical/tie into their religion, or are they scientifically plausible?

Again, pretty sure this is a canon thing

E. Education and Intelligence

Would you say that your OC is intelligent? In what ways? Would your OC agree?

Fitz is a sharp cookie. He’s fast at making connections and noticing patterns and enjoys learning things about the world. He knows he’s pretty clever, too. It’s saved his hide more than once.

Which of the nine types of intelligence is your OC strongest in? Weakest? (Linguistic, existential, naturalist, et cetera)

Fitz is probably naturally strongest in intrapersonal intelligence. Unfortunately, his upbringing has severely stunted this growth, so it hasn’t nearly reached its potential, and so people usually notice his bodily-kenetic, logical-mathimatical and verbal-linguisting before that.

How many languages do they speak? 

Two, common and dwarvish

Did they enjoy school if they went to it? 

They enjoyed their tutoring. Fitz loves engaging his mind or body in things, otherwise he’s miserable.

What’s their highest education level? Do they want to continue their education?

Not super applicable for him, but the knights did have a good internal education.

Do they enjoy learning? Do they actively seek out sources of self-education?

He does. Fitz’ll usually keep his mind occupied when he’s resting his body, and likes logic puzzles and games as well as reading fiction and nonfiction.

Are they a good note-taker? Are they a good test-taker? Do exams make them nervous?

No to all three. Fitz has a good memory and it more of a spatial learner, but he can get aggitated if he feels like he’s being judged.

What’s one of your OC’s biggest regrets?

the civillian kid, blackmoor and not running away sooner

F. Domestic Habits, Work, and Hobbies

What sort of home do they live in now, if at all? How did they end up there?

The brick house, a communal living thingy. That was our first arc lol.

What’s their ideal home look like? Where is it?

A big self-sustaining orphanage in the country

Could they ever live in a “tiny home”?

Sure, but he wants room for kids and vagrants

How clean are they overall with home upkeep?

he’d be a fucking mess if he lived alone at this point, but he’d eventually learn how to keep his space clean. He’d prefer it that way, but it’s something he’d have to learn.

How handy are they? Can they fix appliances, cars, cabinets, et cetera?

If he can’t figure out how to fix something by looking at it, he can’t. He doesnt’ have much experience needing to, though.

How much do they work? What do they do? Do they enjoy it?

Enough to ensure room and board. He was a guard, is now resting on his ill gotten gains. He likes being busy

What’s their “dream career” or job situation?

It was a knight, but he doesn’t know now

How often are they home?

off and on, he moves around a lot

Are they homebodies and enjoy being home?

Fitz likes being comfortable. He can do that in bed with a pile of blankets or out in a nice garden, or on a safe city street.

Do they engage in any of the arts? How good do you intend them to be? Would they agree they are?

Fitz would consider swords and sex art, and he’d agree that he’s pretty good at both.

What are some of their favorite things to do for recreation? How did they get into it? What part of it do they like the most?

Fitz likes tending animals like horses (and enjoys writing) and playing games like cards, chess and other strategy things. He also enjoys physically activities (sword training, fighting, sparring, sex, etc)

Would they enjoy a theme park?

oh FUCK yes, but he’d piss himself going on the tallest roller coster cos SCARY

G. Family and Growing Up

Is your OC close to their family?

naw

Who makes up your OC’s family, at least the more important members to them?

Fitz is to his knowledge an only child. His mother is dead, he never knew anything about his biological father, and his stepfather that adopted him was Not Nice

Does your OC find their family supportive? If not, what would be an example why not?

No, his stepfather is abusive

What kind of childhood did your OC have?

not? one? A very bad one

Did they go through any typical phases growing up?

he had a pretty stark rebellious phase as soon as he went with blackmoor

Do they have any favorite childhood memories?

playing in the family garden with his mom and going to the capitol when he was older and being able to explore the city while he stepfather was in meeting. Sparring with his sword

Do they have any childhood memories they’d rather forget or be less affected by?

That’s a really tricky question. Fitz wouldn’t know who he was if he wished away what hurt growing up. He’s not quite at peace with it, but I think he’s getting to the point where he wants to move on more than he wants to forget. It’s a long proccess

H. Romance and Intimacy

What is your OC’s orientation, romantic and/or sexual? Has it ever been a source of stress for them? Have they always been pretty sure of their orientation?

Fitz doesn’t really know “romance” vs “sex” really well. He would just say he’s into everything, but he’s quoiromantic and quoisexual. It wasn’t a point of stress, but he has wondered how abuse has shaped his sexuality, though he resents the idea that that’d be wrong. 

Is your OC a thoughtful partner, in whatever aspect of that you want to cover?

Fitz is incredibly proud of giving his partner pleasure

Does your OC believe there’s only one ideal partner (or multiple ideal if not monogamous) for everyone, or that there are many people who could be right? Fitz isn’t even sure that one person could be right, but he doesn’t really think about it.

Does your OC believe in love in first sight?

he believes in infatuation and crush on first sight

Does your OC believe in marriage (or their culture’s equivalent)?

Yeah, but he’s not sure it’s for him

Has your OC ever cheated on anyone or been cheated on?

sorta? he’s probably let people think they were more exclusive than they were, but he’s never intentionally lied or misled anyone. He doesn’t want to hurt people, but he values his freedom

What do they look for in partners? (Emotionally, mentally, physically..)

Red hair, and pretty voice, nice ass and legs and a strong sense of compassion and justice

What’s your OC’s idea of a perfect date?

Eating good food, sitting someplace quiet and comfortable and just talking. Preferably while cuddling. Sex is nice too

What are some things that your OC finds to be an instant turn-off in potential partners?

Callousness

I. Food

What are their favorite kinds of flavors– Sweet, salty, sour, spicy, creamy, et cetera?

Bread, sugar and meat

Do they have any eating requirements or preferences? Allergies, vegetarian, organic-only, religious restrictions…

Non alcoholic

Are they vegan/vegetarian (if their overall culture/species generally aren’t)? If so, why? Do they think animal products are wrong in all circumstances?

He doesn’t eat veal or lamb cos he thinks it’s too sad, but he also thinks that not eating meat isn’t a really viable option for people most of the time.

How often do they cook? Do they order out a lot?

They don’t unless they have to.

Are they a good cook?

They can follow directions, but he doens’t know how otherwise

Could they eat the same thing they enjoy over and over and not get bored of it quickly?

Yes. And this is ideal. Bread all day every day

J. Politics, Current Events, Environmental Aspects

Where does your OC stand most politically? What would they align with most?

Fitz comes from a monarchy. He doesn’t really see much of a choice.

How politically aware are they?

He knows law well, as he was training to help enforce it, but he doesn’t keep up with politics as he can’t influence it

How politically active are they?

Not really active, but he works on a small scale trying to help

Is your OC the sort to fall for fake news? If not, do they ignore it or make a point to clarify that it’s wrong?

Probably not, actually, but he’d ignore it

Are they or would they protest for a cause they’re passionate about?

HELL YEAH

How do they react to people whose political viewpoints are very opposite of theirs?

Seeing as his political viewpoint is “everyone should eat and have shelter and don’t be a dick” he’d probably punch them

How much interest in environmental health do they have?

He doesn’t care. Let the druids worry about that.

In reality-based or applicable worlds, do they believe in global warming? Do they recycle? ---

K. For OCs in Reality-Based Worlds Who Are Unusual in Paranormal Ways (such as magical abilities, being another species, having a curse like lycanthropy, sci-fi abilities, being from another time, et cetera)– Also for OCs where the scenario is similar even if their universe isn’t based on reality

nawp

L. For the Writer/Owner

How have your characters changed since you created them?

He’s a lot more passionate about justice than I expected. I thought he’d be more jaded, but I think Vekti woke something up in him

What do you consider the biggest themes in your character, if any?

Healing and Survival

Did you create the character to be like yourself, did they end up being like yourself, or are they very different from you?

I created him largely based on myself

Would you hang out with your OC if you could?

I’m not sure... I don’t know if we’d like each other irl

Which OC do you think is the most decent morally or behaviorally?  AKA, which is supposed to a “good guy”? Fitz

Which OC do you think is the worst morally or behaviorally? AKA, which is supposed to be a “bad guy”? Geralt

Which OC do you think is the most attractive? Geralt

What’s the longest you’ve had an OC for? nearly a couple decades

How did you come up with your OC? fuckin magic lmao