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7wanderingpaws · 4 years

Text

Simply, yours (10)

Pairing: Baekhyun x reader

Genre: family AU, hapkido teacher AU, PhD AU

Word count: 6.5K

Warnings: cursing

A/N: Hello, hi! Welcome back! This chapter has a LOT of stuff happening... But at the end of the day, we all want to have a pleasant read, right? I hope you will like this one, I enjoyed writing it a whole lot... 😊💖 Pls let me know what you thought, it helps me so much! Have a good day/night! ^^ Btw what did you think of BBHs cover of BoA? I LOVE IT! Original was already so good and he just made it more speacial by adding his sweet flavor... 💕

tags: @milky-baek @itsbaekhyunsbutt @luvhtears @shesdreaminginoverdose @cynthbee @jummyjammy @junmyeonnoona (if you want to be tagged/untagged please let me know!)

MASTERLIST

1 . 2 . 3 . 4 . 5 . 6 . 7 . 8 . 9 . 10

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

That was what you've been muttering to yourself for the past two hours on your way back home and basically ever since you turned your back on him. Literally. Because you are that bad at controlling your emotions for some reason.

So as a way to punish yourself, you ended up popping into the nearest convenience store to your apartment and getting chocolates and sweet bakery because you… needed it. You had been dying to put something sweet into your mouth, so it could be hardly taken as a punishment, but you did find it as unnecessary expense, plus you were already halfway through looking like an elephant. But wow, what a sucky day, yucks.

It was one thing to be a little jealous about that girl, and a completely different thing to become cold towards Baekhyun and not even tell him what was bothering you. He didn't deserve that and you felt extremely guilty, to the point that you just entered your quiet, loving home and felt like crying like a baby.

Changing into comfy clothes, you didn't even bother with folding them, instead throwing them into the laundry basket, too preoccupied with your own guilt. Plus, your sweat pants felt tighter and uncomfortable around your thighs. How annoying. You needed to spend even more money now for the stupid XXXXXL size that you were slowly becoming.

You could bet that Jiyoung girl had the smallest size waist-

“Ah, stop it!” you shouted into nothing, tired of yourself and the whirlwind of emotions that you became. How was it possible to switch between emotions this fast? Your period wasn't the kindest but thankfully it was rarely painful and you only had terrible cravings instead of mood swings but this pregnancy was too much.

And in that moment, everything was getting on your nerves. You losing your job. You wanting to surprise your boyfriend. Him smiling like that at another woman. Him smiling. Seriously, why was he even smiling?! You weren't even there, so how dared he smile? Oh, and yeah that woman next to your man! You declining his request to stay until he was done. You should have stayed. You should have stayed and support him, enjoy the way he was doing his passion and maybe you would have understood what that Jiyoung girl was doing. Was she even a student?

You sighed. You wouldn't know. If she would have been a student, you didn't think she would dare to come collect him from his girlfriend like that.

You threw yourself into the softness of your pillows, chocolate bar in your mouth as you took a small bite and let your angry tears fall. This was so not you. This wasn't the strong, independent woman and if you would keep up this game, Baekhyun would notice too. He would see the faults in you.

“Stop thinking, you brat,” you warned yourself. “Stop it! Don't think! Just don't!”

And the worst?! You couldn't even touch your bump in that moment, you were that disgusted. It was all fault of the babies; they were making you like this, creating problems where there weren't any!

Before you could wallow even more, your phone rang. Scrambling quickly to get it in hopes to see Baekhyun's photo as your caller ID, you were surprised to see your mother's name dancing on the screen. That could only mean some bad news as you rarely talked. The last time you talked was nearly a month ago when she was checking up on you and your pregnancy and making sure Baekhyun was there for you.

Ignoring the way your hands were shaking, you answered the phone, feeling a bit of adrenaline rush in your blood causing slight dizziness. It'd been a while you felt lightheaded like this.

“Mum?”

“Hi, daughter,” she gasped, her voice gentle as always. “How are you? It's been a month almost, thought I'd check up on you.”

And there it all went. You started to wail at that question right away, unable to bear your mother's gentle voice. You didn't even realize how much you missed having a mother figure in this period of life, when she could give you advice, guidance and especially deep understanding.

“Are you crying?” she quipped, surprised at the sniffles that would soon follow with stifled sobs. “Oh, my, why are you crying? Is it the hormones?”

Well, was it the hormones? you asked yourself, but you were so incredibly clueless and so incredibly frustrated because of everything that you couldn't get a proper reply. “Ye-yes,” you hiccuped as hot tears streamed down your face. It was that type of crying where you just couldn't stop, the hysterical sobs needing to be let out, tears seeming to have an infinite storage somewhere inside of you.

Your mother sighed, but you imagined her affectionate gaze. “I understand. Although I don't know to what extent is having three babies burdening, any pregnancy is extremely difficult on your body, honey. Just let it all out and don't dwell too much on what is the reason. You don't need it now, so just let it out.”

At that you had to hide your face in the pillow and let out a little wail, because her words were warming you up so much, yet she was far away from you. Oh, dear, she had no clue what a rollercoaster of a ride you had put yourself and your boyfriend through, so you basically had every reason to have these feelings. She didn't even know you had been sacked. That was the reason you were crying, right?

“Is Baekhyun there?” your mother kept on going when she knew you wouldn't give her a coherent answer.

You hiccuped again, trying to make your mouth move. “N-no. Wo-worki-ing.”

“It's almost late evening, though,” she muttered to herself.

It was just 6pm, but the elders always had the specialty of saying “it's late in the night” when it was barely 8pm. You tried to smile at her antics, but it was painful. Because your boyfriend wasn't home. He was at that stupid training of his with stupid women that had to take the stupid hapkido class.

“What did you have for lunch-”

“I got sacked today,” you blurted suddenly and sniffed back big time, not even listening to her words.

“What do you mean you got sacked today?”

“Just exactly what I said. I am jobless.”

“How did you get sacked? You were promoted not long ago.”

You let out a loud breath, your lungs aching from all the crying. It just made more tears well up in your eyes again. “I had an idiot of a boss.” You should have definitely said it was all your fault, but currently you were feeling like the biggest loser in the world. “So it was better like this anyway. I can't even do much, soon I will be huge and… useless.”

Your mother tsked disapprovingly as you heard some shuffling in the background. “What is this silly talk, daughter. What did Baekhyun say?”

You gritted your teeth. “Why do you always ask about him?! He was happy I got sacked, okay?”

“Alright, alright, no need to shout at your mother.”

“But I don't want to talk about Baekhyun right now, so stop asking me!”

“Oh, I understand now,” she replied back nonchalantly, and some creaking noise provided just the perfect background. “As long as you think you can manage…”

“Yes, I can manage.”

“You and Baekh-”

“Don't.”

She sighed and you heard fire. She was probably warming up dinner in the kitchen. “Did he do something?”

You opened your mouth to retort but were stopped, because YES was your personal answer but NO was the fact. You wiped your tears quickly. “No. I mean... “ you trailed off and rolled yourself on your back, staring at the ceiling. “No.”

“Well then why are you so sensitive? I am trying to see what is wrong and you clearly have an issue with him. You can tell me honestly. Or don't.”

Just then you heard the code being typed in the entrance door, sign of Baekhyun arriving. You groaned loudly and stood up quickly to close the bedroom door before he could get in and have an easy access to bedroom but it was a wrong idea. Seeing black spots everywhere, you felt like your entire body just gained another 40 kilograms as an invisible weight pulled down on your shoulders making you stumble back into the mattress, the world spinning with along with you rather fast.

“I'll call you back,” you murmured softly into the phone and threw it away into the blanket somewhere, trying to make your head calm down.

Baekhyun called out your name, announcing his arrival but you felt like throwing up. You groaned as quietly as possible, scrunching up your face in hopes of stopping this terrible attack. Cold sweat made its way down your neck and you shivered as you felt a huge bulge in your stomach. But you were so extremely disoriented you could barely open your eyes let alone make it to the bathroom in time.

“Baekhyun,” you called out, “please bring me the bucket from the-” gulp, gulp, gulp.

Baekhyun walked into the bedroom but when he saw you his eyes went wide. “What is wrong? Hey, hey, what's- shit,” he cursed when he heard the familiar noise, and ran to the bathroom to get the little pink bucket as you gagged, trying to get on your fours, looking extremely shaken up. Tears were streaming down your face, your knees and arms trembling violently before you saw two feet clad in white socks and then bucket pushed into your face as Baekhyun reached for you with his other hand to keep your balance up. “Shh, c'mon, let it out. Don't keep it back,” he murmured urgently and sweeped the hair that was plastered to your forehead and cheeks away, noticing the snot and flushed cheeks. Just then, finally, you let it all out. Your throat was on fire but your head kept pulling you in one direction into which you would have easily fell if it weren't for the safety of Baekhyun's arms. “Shh, you're doing well.”

Although not seeing his face, you knew he was tense and probably wondering what made you this terribly sick when food and spit kept constantly coming out until it became just violent gagging, nothing able to come out anymore, only caused by your head spinning so much it triggered your stomach. Wasn't it just today that you were thankful for not having to go through this again?

You calmed down after another couple of minutes, completely spent. “Baekhyun,” you murmured, afraid to open your eyes. He hummed as he took the bucket to the side, and looked at you closely as he brought his other hand to your pale face, wiping the tears away. “I'm very dizzy.”

“Look at me, baby,” he murmured, frowning a little and wanting to check the focus in your eyes.

You shook your head ever so gently before your lower lip trembled. “I can't… please,” you said just as you were about to crash on him again, the invisible pull still there.

“Okay. Lay down for me, can you do that?” he asked gently. “I will help you move now, don't get startled.” And he did so, pushing on your shoulders a bit, helping you lie down. He took all the pillows on the bed and put your head under them, by then knowing very well what to do when you got into this kind of situation. “Keep your head up for me, and your knees too,” he whispered and patted your straightened-out legs. You did as he said and heard him move around the room before he came back with the little machine, pushing your arm through the hole to measure your blood pressure.

“Don't cry, sweetheart,” you heard him whisper as he tried to catch every single teardrop while the machine was working. He looked around for a glass of water which, of course, you didn't have.

“I feel like hell,” you said, your voice raw.

Baekhyun was thankful your eyes were closed, for he didn't want you to witness how worried and scared he was. Yes, you did get dizzy and many times sick, but to this extent? Never. He was already thinking three steps ahead, fishing his phone out of his pocket.

Beeping sound brought you back to the reality and Baekhyun checked, murmuring the results out loud, his frown now deep. “We are going to the hospital,” he decided.

“No!” you shouted, opening your eyes to look at him but you almost saw three Baekhyuns. Usually, you wouldn't mind but it made you want to throw up again. You were fast to close them, scrunching your face. “Please,” you sobbed, scared. “Make it stop! But don't call anyone!”

Baekhyun was already calling ambulance, leaving the room in case you would have a tantrum. He knew your blood pressure was skyrocketing and it made him worried sick; he didn't know what to do. Plus, he was told by your doctor that if your blood pressure reaches a certain level, you were eligible to call for ambulance.

As much as he hated you crying and going through this, he was there with you, every single step at a time.

“She will be alright,” said the doctor that was in the emergency room, checking your vitals on his clipboard. “She needs to rest for now, but,” he shook his head gently and looked up at Baekhyun whose eyes were bulging in fear of what was to come. “Her blood pressure was too high. It isn't good for the patient, neither it is good for the pregnancy.”

“What does that mean?”

He shrugged. “Well, it is very likely that she will have to endure this until she gives birth. Triplet pregnancy is a bit different than the usual ones. Since premature birth is highly possible to happen, which also may affect the health of the children, her not monitoring stress levels or taking good care of her body may also influence the health of the kids.” He sighed. “She is bearing a lot right now, so there are high risks of her fainting if this continues. As you told me, she had been struggling with high blood pressure this whole time, correct?”

Baekhyun nodded quickly.

“Well, she is in the fifteenth week which means almost half-way through till due date… It should have subsided by now but we can't do anything to change it; only give medication, unfortunately. Multiples' pregnancy is full of surprises.”

Baekhyun felt so helpless in that moment. Why did he get the feeling the doctor was clueless in a way too?

“Will she survive?” he asked seriously.

The doctor smiled gently. “She is completely healthy, so there is no risk of her losing her life, but this was definitely a dangerous situation. She shouldn't be left alone for too long as this occurs unexpectedly. It is rare anyway to have such strong reaction to high blood pressure, but this is what it takes to live for three more lives, I suppose.”

Oh, how Baekhyun wished he could take at least half of the burden you were bearing.

The doctor patted him twice on the shoulder before leaving. He looked at you, your sleeping figure so peaceful compared to couple of hours ago when you looked white as death and just about to pass out.

Sighing, he reached for your hand, gently squeezing it before murmuring a soft I love you. You were going through all of this because of him. He made you pregnant and now here you were, fighting for four lives: the unborn babies and your own.

His phone vibrating was what interrupted his train of thoughts. Quickly searching for it in his winter jacket, he saw your mother's name flashing on the screen, bad feeling already eating him away. Should he tell her where you were now? He would only make her worried.

“Hello, mother,” he answered, trying to make his voice as normal and even as possible while stroking your knuckles with is thumb.

“Oh, thank God you picked up, Baekhyun! I've been contacting my daughter for the past hour and she wouldn't answer. Are you with her now?”

Gulping, he said: “Yes. She is, uh, sleeping now.”

“Silly girl. I called her earlier today to check up on her and caught her in a bad state of mind,” she explained, her voice sounding exasperated. “She kept crying but wouldn't tell me why. This is none of my business, my dear, but did you two have a fight?”

Surprised was an understatement to Baekhyun. First of all, you didn't necessarily fight, it was your weird mood that created negative tension between you two but it was certainly not a fight; second of all he had no clue you were having such a mood prior to his arrival although he did see your swollen face and eyes. “No, we didn't have a fight. She has been acting strangely today, that is true. She lost her job and maybe the hormones and all…” he trailed off, trying to justify your actions though he himself wasn't sure.

“Yes, she told me she lost her job, but to me it didn't seem like that was her main issue. Let me be honest with you, Baekhyun,” she said and Baekhyun didn't have a good feeling about what was to come. “She didn't even want to hear your name. I don't know what exactly happened between you two, but it would be healthy if you both talk. You know she cannot get this upset while being pregnant. She was choking on her own sobs.”

Baekhyun closed his eyes and left your hand so he could pinch the bridge of his nose. Just what the hell was up with you? “She came to visit me at the university today, but she had such a change of mood, mother. I was shocked myself and I try to understand, I really do but it has been difficult recently.” Let alone she was lying to me, he thought but kept quiet.

Your mother sighed again; she trusted Baekhyun and wasn't doubtful about him at all. She also knew what pregnancy mood swings meant, so she was not blaming entirely you just as she knew Baekhyun could have been falsely accused. She knew him ever since he was a baby after all. “I understand, sweetie, and I am not blaming you at all. I will let you rest. I know you also don't have it easy, dear,” she added, affection lacing her voice, “so please I just ask you to have some patience with her for now. She can be a handful.”

“I do, mother, you know I do,” replied Baekhyun right away, looking at your sleeping face. “I can't get mad at her even if I want to.”

At that she laughed. “My sweet boy. I hope I can call you my son-in-law very soon.”

“Actually yes. Sooner than later.”

You found yourself seated on the wooden bench, a book about multiples' pregnancy perched on your thighs while you tried hard not to stare at your boyfriend clad in his hapkido uniform.

He was currently leading his class with Jiyoung, the girl because of whom it all went downwards. Bitterly, you stopped yourself from blaming it on someone like her. It wasn't her fault. Why, you ask? Because…

Few days ago

“Can you explain to me what happened on Monday?” murmured Baekhyun as you were both lying in bed, the dimmed light on his side still on, as he just finished going through his notes from the previous lectures. It made you resent yourself even more knowing how much he had on his plate, yet you couldn't even control your emotions as soon as he stood next to a pretty lady or he looked at you weirdly.

You sighed, rubbing your temple as you were lying on your back. Baekhyun turned his head to look at you, pausing, contemplating. Then, he slowly changed positions, lying on his right side, his hand slowly dragging on the surface of the mattress, reaching your hip and sliding it up over your belly that was sticking out, giving it gentle rubs as he waited patiently for you to talk.

“I won't get mad,” he had the need to add which made you scoff, and him chuckle.

“It's so fucking stupid, Baekhyun, and don't say I can't swear while being pregnant.”

He frowned gently. “Well, it obviously made you upset,” he argued, “so it cannot be fucking stupid.”

He saw you gritting your teeth, and he slid his gaze over your profile, how the light was illuminating the part of your face to which he was turned to. He honestly thought you looked breathtaking and would have kissed you whole night if it weren't for the confusion he was currently feeling. In that moment, he wanted answers more than anything.

“What is Jiyoung-” you trailed off and Baekhyun raised an eyebrow, “to you? To your class? To… hapkido?” Asking, instead of answering him. Great. Although, you weren't expecting silence that followed. You imagined him chuckling at your ridiculousness but he didn't. He didn't and it almost made you lose yourself once again, but he spoke: “She is a master like me,” he spoke softly, and you focused on his warm hand sliding over your belly. You turned your head a little to catch his gaze that was already burning holes on your face. “I didn't tell you until I was sure, which I became on Monday, but then things happened…”

“Sure about what?”

“I am leading the hapkido universiade team with her, but I am the main master,” he revealed, his face still in a gentle frown. “She was assigned to do it together with me, so that is why she was there during practice, too. And she will be from now on until July.”

“But is she like a teacher at Sungkyunkwan or something?”

He shook his head. “She is from Kyunghee university where she is the head of department. There was a joint alliance with them for the hapkido team and also, if we win this, I might have a chance to work with the National team later on,” he explained patiently, not tearing his gaze away from yours.

So many things you were founding out, so many good news. That meant Jiyoung was older than Baekhyun! That was definitely good news! And you ruined it all on Monday and you completely misunderstood the entire situation.

“Baekhyun,” you whispered, closing your eyes. Humming in response, he now caressed your cheek, his thumb making slow circles. “I'm so sorry. For being the way I was. What you just said,” you stuttered, opening your eyes, urgency in them, “is all amazing news and I couldn't be any more proud of you.”

“Shh, it's okay, princess,” he whispered, scooting closer to your side.

“No,” you shook your head, “I thought… I was… jealous, so jealous. I shouldn't have let the emotions control me like that. I shouldn't have just left you like that. I apologise,” you said sincerely, staring into his eyes that were now casted in shadow as he was with his back towards the light. Yet, the burning behind his eyes could hardly go unnoticed by you.

“You are so mean when you are jealous,” he blurted, intending to make you chuckle which he succeeded in, but then it disappeared just as quickly and you nudged his cheek with your nose to get more out from him. He sighed, eventually. “You know you can trust me, right? You know I would never want to lose your trust despite you lying to me.”

At that, you whimpered, pouting and widening your eyes at him, still terribly ashamed for what you had done.

“It's okay, I am not holding grudges,” he insisted, “but you know I can't stand you not trusting me, hm? I already know I want to spend the rest of my life with you and with our kids,” he murmured and at that he caressed the belly yet again as he buried his face in your neck, sending goosebumps down your spine. “So why do I have a feeling you keep doubting me?”

You stiffened, but his caresses didn't cease, which meant he wasn't upset. You raised your hand, playing with his hair as you mumbled: “No, I don't doubt you at all. It's the hormones. It's the babies. You know that before getting pregnant we were just fine.”

“I know,” he whispered, his hot breath fanning the skin on your pulse point, “it is always the babies fault, right?”

“Please.”

“Please, what?” he asked, curious as he pulled back to look at your face.

“Just… I apologise, Baekhyun.”

His eyes searched your gaze. “And I forgive you. But you need to promise me you won't get so worked up over nothing in the future.”

“I won't.”

“By nothing I mean anything. If it isn't a life or death situation, I don't want you to pay it too much attention.”

You watched his mouth move as he spoke, going on about what the doctor said, what the books said about triplet pregnancy, what he thought would be the best for you. And you tried to listen, you really did, but you were head over heels for him; he was mesmerizing and he understood your crazy whirlwind of emotions, and you loved him. So much.

“Are you listening?” he asked, snapping his fingers two times in front of your face. “Young lady, you keep zoning out on me.”

You smiled at his playful manner and he reciprocated the gorgeous grin as he leaned in closer. “I am listening, I am. I just realised once again how much I love you, Baekhyun.”

His grin turned into an affectionate, lopsided smile and he eyed your lips before flicking his orbs back to yours, murmuring your name. “And I love you. Do you understand? I love you. Only you. Can you actually understand?”

“No,” you whispered, dreamy look on your face as you were bewitched by him. He shook his head, and reached for your face, brushing the baby hair out of your forehead. “It's difficult to get it through my thick head that someone like you loves someone like me.”

“How would I make you understand then?”

“Show me. I want you to kiss me, it's been too long.”

He leaned in more, his eyes constantly flicking between your lips and your eyes as he muttered with narrowed eyes: “You're horny again, aren't you?”

You let out a breathy laugh as you sneaked your hands around his neck, bringing him closer. “For you? Always.”

He chuckled just as he kissed you, smiling widely into your mouth before playing with your lower lip, going straight for a gentle bite that he knew would ignite the fire in you.

“Are we doing another make-up sex?” he murmured between kisses, slowly climbing over you and you gladly widened your legs for him.

“Uh-uh, you're making love to me because you need to show me you love me.”

He kissed your neck, laughing quietly. “You're shameless.”

“So are you. Now, do your magic, honey.”

And now here you were, as per his order, watching him. As you would be every week whenever he wasn't home. If he could have, he would have dragged you to all his lectures as well, but you managed to talk him out of it. Honestly, you didn't mind this at all, as you really enjoyed observing him teaching hapkido and doing all the cool moves he was so smooth at doing. It was true you would get tired and wooden bench was only so comfortable for you to sit through couple of hours.

During the break, Baekhyun jogged to you with an energetic smile and leaned in to give you a quick peck. “You good over here?” he asked as his team erupted in big laughters, everyone enjoying their break time.

You beamed up at your boyfriend. “Yes, all fine.”

He smiled even wider at that, ruffling your hair as he looked down on the book in your lap. “Is it any good?”

“Well, for sure although I'm learning some disturbing stuff,” you muttered, worry flashing through your eyes that made Baekhyun raise his eyebrows.

“We will finish in 50 minutes and then you can tell me all about it, how is that?” he asked gently, and grabbed your cheeks to observe you closer.

You giggled and he seemed satisfied. “Alright, let's do that.”

He was just leaning in for another kiss when someone cleared their throat muttering a little excuse me, making Baekhyun move away from you. “Jiyoung.”

“Sorry to disturb, but I think it would be better if we stay longer today. For practice, I mean,” she said, her eyes wandering over to you and a bit lower, obviously looking at the baby bump. She snapped her eyes back at Baekhyun's questioning face. “It's better if we start going through basic kicks now, just so the kids can remember each technique correctly and from then build on it.”

You watched Baekhyun's back, but he was relaxed. “The kids are black belts, 4-5 dans in at least, though,” he replied diplomatically, “I don't see the point in going through basic kicks. Techniques should come to them as second nature by now.”

“I still think we should start having longer practices,” she insisted. “So your girlfriend might be a bit uncomfortable sitting here for such a long time.”

Wow, you thought, she was actually dragging you into this somehow. Interesting.

“I don't mind,” you heard yourself say before you could think twice. “So do whatever you deem correct.”

“Not today, no,” Baekhyun decided. “After December we will be good with longer practices if necessary,” he emphasized. “If we don't slack off, we can manage just fine.”

She gave a confident smile. “Alright then. I suppose you won't mind if we start the class now.”

What a bitch, you thought again.

“I won't mind. You may start,” was Baekhyun's curt nod and he turned around to face you, his actions heating your cheeks up as he crouched in front of you and took your hands in his before bringing them up to his lips.

“Alright, master.” And she was gone.

“What are you doing?” you whisper-shouted, but the excited glint in your eyes told Baekhyun you loved what he just pulled.

“Prioritizing you.”

You smiled graciously, and leaned in, pecking his lips.

Couple of weeks went by, you following Baekhyun to his practice, while you were found your way back to knitting that you so diligently used to do when you were younger, your mum teaching you as a little girl. Trying hard not to sound annoyed or desperate for any activity, you made sure you were always smiling and at peace in your mind. You promised your boyfriend you would look after yourself and that was what you had been trying to do. You even managed to sell some of the scarfs and gloves you knitted, given it was now nearing the end of December.

You smiled up at Baekhyun who dismissed the class, not waiting until Jiyoung and the students leave. “Ready to go?”

“Yes,” he replied, some perspiration on his forehead glistening in the practice room. “Can't wait to have a rest.”

You stood up to your feet slowly, minding your blood pressure, and reached for a handkerchief before grabbing his hand so he wouldn't move away. “Let me,” you murmured as you reached up and tapped the textile gently along his hairline.

His eyes focused down on you, affection and love melting his features into the softest smile. “Thank you.”

“We don't want daddy to catch a cold, right?” you chirped enthusiastically.

Baekhyun quirked an eyebrow at you, never hearing the nickname leave your mouth before. You would always get extremely embarrassed when he called you mummy, so this was a new discovery. “Yeah, otherwise how would daddy protect mummy, hm?”

Just as expected, you grew red in your face and quickly looked around, making sure no one was too near to overhear.

“What? You started,” he laughed quietly before leaning in to kiss your cheek, leaving it with a loud smooch and moisture on your skin. “Mummy.”

Your eyes widened and you laughed along with him before he moved to pack up his stuff. All the students who were now leaving farewelled cheerfully, always enjoying how flustered you would get from the attention, because master Baekhyun's girlfriend is so cute! and of course, he would encourage them, showing you off, which always warmed your heart.

“Not tired?”

You turned to the right to see Jiyoung approaching, a glass bottle in her hand as her high ponytail swung with each step she made. “I'm okay, thank you. Aren't you tired?”

“Nope,” she said, the p sound bopping like a bubble. “Master Baekhyun has been a bit slacking off with the workouts, eh?” she chuckled, nudging Baekhyun who was putting on his jacket with her elbow.

“Well, I can always make it especially hard for you, Jiyoung,” was his confident reply.

Oh my god, he was so hot you actually had to cross your legs while standing.

She smirked. “I would love to finally find out what does this especially hard mean, master.”

Well, you definitely didn't find her confidence hot. If anything, you wanted to warn her not to challenge Baekhyun too much.

“Alright, especially hard it is then,” he concluded just as he zipped up his jacket and took his gym bag, slugging it over his shoulder.

Jiyoung's eyes sparked with excitement, you could see that. It was always there, actually. Coming to the practices with him for two weeks, you kind of learnt to read her. She was a professional, you knew that much. She wasn't openly hitting on your boyfriend, no. It was in these subtle talks that irked you because you couldn't do anything about them, just tolerate and trust Baekhyun. Which, he really not once made you doubt - his trust. He would always prove you his love to you, and you to him. It was so obvious. He only had eyes for you.

Even now, as he stood in front of you, touching your hip gently and sliding his hand to your lower back to lead you out and saying his bye to the disappointed face of his hapkido partner, you knew it.

“Baekhyun,” you said once outside on the half-dead campus as you were making your way to the bus stop, the dark sky not showing any clouds which only meant another freezing night.

“Yes, angel.” He intertwined your fingers and pushed the connected hands into his pocket.

“I was thinking… What if I just went home?”

He stopped walking, looking at you a bit taken aback. “What do you mean?”

“I feel a bit useless, you know. But also quite tired from all of this,” you said showing your belly that was sticking out. “So I thought I would visit home.”

“But we have regular check ups at the clinic,” he replied, his eyes wandering over your features. His nose was growing a bit red which you found adorable, which is why you stood on your tippy toes and gave him a little peck on it.

“I know… but if I would miss one appoint-”

“No.”

“Baek-”

“You are not missing an appointment, baby,” he said, this time more sternly as he looked down at you, his hair that was trapped under a red beanie made his soft hair fall into his eyes.

You pressed your lips together, understanding his choice. “So, I would go only for two weeks.”

Something flashed across his eyes, something that you couldn't decipher. “What about me?”

Yes, what about Baekhyun? “You have lots on your plate right now,” you reasoned, squeezing his hand that was trapped in his pocket. “You could study better, and focus more on the practices. And, you could totally go and have a good time with your friends, or even invite them over, hm?”

“You actually think I would let you travel alone? With your blood pressure?”

“C'mon, by KTX it takes an hour and a half and then taxi just twenty minutes out of town.”

You felt like you were contradicting yourself. You, the one who was always trying to save up money was willing to pay a lot just to travel. KTX tickets were already very expensive. Taxis as well. But there was very little public transportation going to your village and you didn't feel like taking it with your big belly.

Baekhyun didn't say anything for a while, just staring at you. “Why this sudden- need?” is what he asked eventually.

“You know I miss mum,” you mumbled, averting your gaze.

“I know it's difficult,” he sighed, the action condensing his breath. “But I can't let you go by yourself, no way. Besides,” he added eagerly, “it's Korean new year soon. Can't you wait just a little longer? We both will be going home for that, you know that.”

He was right. It was literally around the corner.

“It's just in two weeks time, hm?” he asked, quirking his eyebrows at you, pleading to say yes. When he saw you contemplating, he mumbled: “I am not letting you go alone, anyway, so you better agree.”

You huffed in disbelief and dragged him towards the bus stop. “Let's go home. I will think about it.”

“Tomorrow we have a double-date with Chen's, did you forget that too?” he said as he let you drag him after you.

“No, I didn't. I would have gone the day after.”

“Well, you wouldn't leave me alone for such a long time, right?”

That made you stop and turn to him just to witness the puppy eyes and a prominent pout that made you smile softly at him as you walked even closer, resting your forehead on his jacket-clad chest. “I hate even the idea of not being with you for two weeks, Baekhyun.”

“Exactly. So just wait until we can go together, hm? Please? I don't want you to go. I can't even sleep without you anymore.”

You chuckled and leaned back, catching his small smile. “Alright. I think.”

He whined your name before he grabbed you by your waist with his free hand and brought your hips closer as he hovered a bit over you. “Alright, I won't go is what you wanted to say,” he muttered before kissing you hungrily. It was such a contrast; outside, the air was freezing, but your hot mouths pressed together, his body glued to yours as he breathed in loudly before tilting his head, asking for access with his eager tongue was hot, burning up. You moaned quietly, just for him to hear and he growled in response, a satisfactory hum leaving his throat while he circled your tongue, sucking on it, making you gasp because you were in public. He kissed you, and kissed you until you were completely breathless, until you were fully convinced that he didn't want you anywhere far from him. Even if it meant he could focus more on his practice, studies and whatever else you just listed. Even if it meant a short time.

He didn't want you away. And that was final.

#baekhyun fanfiction #baekhyun fluff #baekhyun angst #baekhyun smut #baekhyun fanfic #baekhyun oneshot #baekhyun scenario #exo fanfiction #exo fluff #exo au #baekhyun au #exo angst #exo smut #kpop fanfiction #kpop au #kpop scenario #mywritings

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travel-hopefully · 4 years

Text

A collective post of everything I watched on Netflix in 2020

I finally found the watch history function on Netflix which I wanted in order to reminisce over the TV/film I watched over the last year, including the good and the bad. I’ve included a little round-up of my thoughts for each, as lockdown has got me with plenty of time on my hands. If anyone has watched any of the below feel free to give me a message- happy to discuss anything!

Travelers (season 3) - this was an unforgettable show with some great characters and definitely put me through hell (in a good way), I am a David x Marcy shipper for sure!

IT Crowd (season 4 & 5) - my favourite comedy show ever, and I mean the UK version

Explained (random episodes) - interesting bite-sized episodes on a variety of topics

Sherlock (season 3 & 4) - it kinda went downhill from season 4...and doesn’t help that there is no season 5 in sight

Unforgettable - must be pretty forgettable cause I couldn’t remember watching, a typical revenge plot romp I think

The Mind, Explained - same as for Explained above, except more pyshcological

You (season 2) - binge-worthy! I love to hate Joe Goldberg.

Don’t F**k with Cats - wow, this was disturbing but so gripping.

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle - geniunely a good remake and rather amusing

Sex, Explained - as for Explained but a little more intriguing ;)

The Stranger (season 1) - full of suspense and a good binge watch but ultimately full of plot holes with an unsatisfying conclusion

Gavin & Stacey (season 3) - a classic which I only started watching in 2019

Sex Education (all of it) - comedy gold!

Unbelievable (limited series) - very harrowing, an emotional rollercoaster based on a real-life rape case

Atypical (all of it) - light-hearted and fun to binge

The Sinner (season 1) - it was okay... wasn’t spectacular compared to other similar dramas I’ve seen

Love Is Blind (season 1) - cringey but satisfying

In the Shadow of the Moon - I hardly remember this one :)

Dunkirk - a stand-out historical movie

The Stepfather - typical killer stepfather plot but rather enjoyable

The Super - an interesting premise, but not that super

Saw VI - all gore not much plot

Doctor Who (random episodes) - no words needed :D

Louis Theroux and Louis Theroux’s Weird Weekends (random episodes) - I love his style of interviewing - what a man!

The Revenant - a lot of... well, not much

Nightcrawler - it was decent, but something was missing which I couldn’t put my finger on

How To Get Away With Murder (seasons 1-5) - probably my biggest new watch of the year, a rollercoaster of suspense, drama and murder, another season to go...

Ocean’s Eleven - fun but cheesey

Blumhouse’s Truth or Dare - creepy faces and an interesting ending

Eli - it started one way then went another, I wasn’t convinced

Star Trek (2009) - I couldn’t really get into this one...

In the Tall Grass - a lot of running around in grass

Bloodride (season 1) - i loved this, a quirky idea, i binged it

Apostle - intense, a satisfying religious cult horror

The Platform - great idea, not sure on the ending

What Keeps You Alive - what happened in this one again?

History 101 - didn’t watch many episodes :P

The Prodigy - a decent child possession horror

Into the Night (season 1) - really enjoyed this, a highlight of the year for me, hoping for a season 2

It - pretty chilling and creepy, but a tad cheesey

Jurassic World and Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom - the first one has a brilliant dinosaur fight scene, the second one has too many plot holes and inconsistencies to take seriously

Knowing - a Nicholas Cage sci-fi/apocalpytic classic, pretty decent

Stranger Things (random episodes) - i tried to get my bf into the show but sadly he still isn’t much of a TV fan

Miranda (random episodes) - such fun!

Black Mirror (seasons 1 & 2) - another one i introduced the bf to, i got a bit further with him on this one, the very first episode being the highlight

The Last House on the Left - a decent remake, but nothing outstanding

Dark (season 3) - this, my friends, is one of the greatest shows of all time. want a timey-wimey story where everything is connected and has an amazingly satisfying conclusion? this is the show for you!

The Silence - a bad ‘A Quiet Place’

Geostorm - i’m a fan of disaster movies but this one wasn’t in the same league as some of the greats

Panic Room - a mum and kid hides in the panic room when a group of thugs break into the house, it was enjoyable but not all that memorable

Prisoners - a very long film with some enjoyable parts but overall unsatisfying

Girl on the Third Floor - it was okay, i can’t remember much of it

The Woods (season 1) - another Harlan Coben adaptation- not as good as ‘Safe’ or ‘The Stranger’ but still a gripping thriller

Time Trap - a fun time-travel film with some interesting turns of events

72 Dangerous/Cutest Animals (random episodes) - just ‘cause i love animals

Slasher (all of it) - some very gory deaths, especially in season 3. quite disturbing but keeps the suspense up throughout.

2012 - a guilty pleasure of mine, realistic or not

Kingsman: The Secret Service - a fun spy film, will be looking to watch the second one soon

Blackfish - this was harrowing, it really made me think, but overall i’m on the side of tilikum

Unsolved Mysteries (season 1 & 2) - watching some of these my jaw dropped, love theorising on this kind of stuff

Down to Earth with Zac Efron (season 1) - Zac is great in this, he seems so chill and literally ‘down to earth’

The Call - I love this film, seen it 3 times now

Contagion - very relatable right now, interesting to see the parallels with todays situation

Next in Fashion (season 1) - i didn’t get too far with this, i found it a little superficial

Searching - another of those internet web-cam based films. decent but not memorable.

Non-stop - another Nicholas Cage classic, this time a suspense thriller

Freaks - as the title suggests this one was rather weird, i didn’t quite gel with it

The Perfection - wow, that was an experience. definitely memorable, even if some characters make questionable decisions...

Extraction - not usually a fan of action-type thrillers, but i actually enjoyed this one, plus it has Chris Hemsworth in it!

Line of Duty (season 2) - full of suspense, a great build-up in the first 5 episodes, but the way they tied it up really grated on me

Insidious - watched this one with my sister. a genuinely good horror film on rewatch with an amazing cliff-hanger

A Quiet Place - another one watched with my sister. labelled a horror but its more sci-fi, either way its a classic. bring on the second film!

The Dark Tower - disappointing mostly.

Gladiator - i’d never seen this before and now i understand the hype- what an epic movie!

Criminal UK (season 2) - didn’t disappoint following the exceptional first season

Venom - a fun comedic marvel film, definitely need to watch more from Marvel in the next year- i need an order to watch them in as don’t know where to start

Our Planet (season 1) - chill David Attenborough to put on in the background

The Equalizer - a great action revenge thriller plot with a badass Denzel

Merlin (random episodes) - who doesn’t love a trip down memory lane with some nostalgic bbc merlin?

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) - pretty scary remake

The Witcher (season 1) - rewatched in order to familiarise myself again before season 2 - i didn’t realise how funny the show was until this time round, gotta love Jaskier!

American Murder: The Family Next Door - this was haunting

The Haunting of Bly Manor - phenomenal, emotional, creepy, heartbreaking - i much preferred it to Hill House

Abducted in Plain Sight - seriously, how naive are the parents in this? i could have a rant for hours about this!

The End of the F***ing World (seasons 1 & 2) - very bingeable, Alyssa makes me laugh too much, i love how relatable the show is

Fractured - didn’t expect much from this consipiracy-type film but it kept me guessing right till the end

The Ripper (limited series) - very intriguing, but the mysogyny in this was shocking

Inconceivable - a typical mother looking for her baby revenge plot but still entertaining

The Midnight Sky - i’d heard rave reviews for this but was disappointed by a lacklustre plot which was sacrificed for award-winning cinematography

Killer Women with Piers Morgan (season 2) - a pyschological interview series which looks into the mind of murderers, rather interesting

May the Devil Take You - scarier and jumpier than i thought it would be!

So 2020 obviously gave me a lot of time to watch a s**t load of stuff and looking back at it i feel like i got a decent amount of my watch-list ticked off! And obviously this is not including shows watched on other media so there’s that too (a special shout-out to the William Hartnell era of Doctor Who which I watched this year on BritBox). In all, 2020 has definitely introduced me to a few new fandoms and progressed my love for others.

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cxhnow · 4 years

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Chloe x Halle are all matured and prepared to show up

New York City (AP) – After the sis duo Chloe x Halle invested a year dealing with their sophomore album – which they co-wrote, co-produced and co-engineered – they sent it off to get ideas from their coach, King Beyoncé.

Her royal action: It’s perfect.

“When we sent her the album, she said that she loved it and didn’t have any notes,” Chloe Bailey remembered in an interview with The Associated Press “(We) were like, ‘Oh wow!’ She must really like it because she always sends notes, which we appreciate and add in most of the time. I’m really proud of this album and if she loves it, I hope everyone else loves it, too.”

The 13- track “Ungodly Hour,” to be released Friday by Beyoncé’s Parkwood Entertainment and Columbia Records, discovers the singing brother or sisters, who debuted on the music scene as charming, harmless teens, transitioning into their adult years.

The co-stars of the struck TELEVISION series “grown-ish” are all matured on the job, as the vocalists trade verses on the tunes – and do that legendary sisterly harmonization thing – while singing about female self-reliance, self-regard and relationship concerns, consisting of dirty kids and players They even sometimes drop the f-bomb.

“We’re growing as young women. We’re finding ourselves through experiences — whether it’s through love, through heartbreak, getting over any insecurities we may have — we just wanted to put that into the music,” stated Chloe Bailey, who turns 22 next month.

“The root of everything is definitely the inspiration of our lives,” included Halle Bailey, 20 “A lot of the songs on the album — well, most of them — are true.”

To develop the album, which they completed in November, they transformed the garage of their brand-new home in Los Angeles into a home studio. They laid down brand-new carpet to enhance the acoustics and sound quality, and set up drapes and generated comfortable sofas.

The album bumps with mid-tempo and groovy R&B taste throughout, as the artists sing about heading out and kiki-ing with the ladies on “Do It” to requiring their prospective suitors enjoy themselves initially prior to pursuing them on the title track. “Forgive Me” discovers Chloe Bailey high up on feelings as she sings about an individual experience: “I was into this guy and I felt we had something, and we were talking but I found out that he was involved with someone else at the same time.”

So she entered into the studio and freestyled the lyrics. “I feel like when you’re hurting or your emotions are heightened, it’s a lot easier to create,” she stated.

On the memorable and radio-ready “Busy Boy,” they sing: “It’s 4 o’clock, you sending me too many pictures of your (insert eggplant emoji here).”

Some of the product shocked their moms and dads.

“Dad would be like, ‘What?’ Mom would be like, ‘Oh, really?’ Dad would listen to the song a few more times and be like, ‘OK, I like it,’” Chloe Bailey remembered. “He said, ‘I just had to get over what you guys were saying.’ We all started laughing around the house.”

The album has currently significant brand-new heights for the group: First single “Do It,” which had a viral moment on TikTok because of the song’s popular dance, reached No 9 on Billboard’s R&B tunes chart, marking the very first time a Chloe x Halle track has actually appeared on any Billboard chart.

Their launching album, 2018’s “The Kids Are Alright,” peaked atNo 139 on Billboard’s Top 200 albums chart, though the duo made elections at the Grammys, MTV Video Music Awards, BET Awards, the Soul Train Music Awards and NAACP Image Awards for the job.

“‘The Kids Are Alright,’ I’m really happy with what it did for us. It wasn’t like a big chart-topper or anything like that,” Chloe Bailey stated of the album, which interestingly enough lost the very best metropolitan modern Grammy to “Everything Is Love,” Beyoncé and Jay- Z’s collective job. “As long as we got our message across and poured our hearts and love through that, that’s all we needed to do to feel accomplished.”

“I feel we did the same with this album,” she continued. “It’s just a cherry on top when people do praise what you’re putting out.”

Though “Ungodly Hour” includes popular manufacturers and songwriters like Sounwave, Disclosure, Scott Storch, Victoria Monet, Boi -1 da and Mike WiLL Made-It, the ladies are the imaginative center of the album. Chloe Bailey has production credits on 10 of the 13 tunes, 3 of which she produced alone. She likewise tape-recorded the duo’s vocals for 12 tracks. And Halle Bailey worked as an assistant engineer on all the tunes, and co-produced 2 of them.

And the ladies co-wrote every track on the album.

“Our dad has always told us to be independent and if we don’t know something to figure it out. That’s why we’re so hands on in everything that we do,” Chloe Bailey discussed.

“It wouldn’t feel right if we weren’t so hands-on with the process. If it’s our music and our art, we want to articulate in a way that is us fully.”

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agentnico · 6 years

Text

Avengers: Infinity War (2018) Review

So, I find myself in a conundrum. I have seen the big flick of the year, Avengers: Infinity War, however I have no idea how to go about reviewing it. “How so?” you ask. “Just give it a score and be done with it, you silly tot!” you exclaim again. “Well,” I reply. “Firstly don’t call me a tot, who uses ‘tot’ these days anyway? Secondly, let me explain.” Then I take a deep breath, look around wearily at the eager swarm of Marvel fans, and begin my tale of woe...

I hated Avengers: Infinity War... Wow, that was not that difficult to explain actually! Alright, alright! Hang on, hold your “f*ck” screaming crusade back, I haven’t finished yet. Basically, I simply am not the right target audience for this film it seems. And I say ‘it seems’ because in all fairness I used to really enjoy Marvel films. But in the past year I began developing this illness called superhero fatigue! Yes, yes, I hear your shocking screams, it’s a terrible terrible illness, worse than what the Black Death did back in the day. The truth needs to be faced though, I have been infected, like in The Walking Dead, only better, cause that show sucks now! I mean really, what happened to that show??...............*sob* anyway, that’s a rant for another day. Having become more and more bored with superhero flicks, with certain exceptions like the first Deadpool, Thor: Ragnarok and Black Panther actually surprising me, and especially following those last two I was hopeful that this new Marvel entry was not going to be affected by my disease filled mind......okay, that’s a lie, I wasn’t optimistic about this film whatsoever from the start, my friends Paul and Josh would confirm how not-excited I was for this film (hey, I guess this is what a shout out is, cool, hello you guys!!!). But I went into this film with an open-ish mind......and yeah, bloody hated, didn’t I. So here I am wondering how to go about reviewing this film (if I can call it that), because as I said, I hated it, but that doesn’t mean its a bad film. For a casual movie goer and most definitely for Marvel fans I’m sure it a great time, I’m sure people will love it..........holy mother of crabs, this movie has a 9/10 on IMDb? What in the actual a**?? Sorry, sorry, I promised to be calm. Who am I kidding, I didn’t promise jack sh**! But where was I? Ah, yes, the Avengers: Infinity War. So yes, this is 100% Marvel fan service and I understand why people like this film, it has everything a popcorn movie needs going for it, so it’s not my place to give this film a proper review or score as I am not the right demographic and it’s not my place to stray away casual movie-goers from enjoying this film. However who cares what I say, we all know this movie is going to make over a billion regardless what I say. *looks at phone* Oh bloody hell, it already made a billion! Well. Well then. I guess I’m just going to leave some of my personal thoughts on the film down below, I know that I usually don’t do spoilers but, you know, f*** it, SPOILER WARNING!!

Plot: The big purple dude finally gets of his chair after taking the big giant 10 year dump and goes to collect a bunch of stones to shove up his anus. Okay, not his anus, but who cares about this plot description, if you’re reading this you should have already saw the film or, like me, don’t care about it. Once again, SPOILER WARNING. Don’t read anymore, as I’m going to spoil everything in 3, 2, 1...

Thanos dies!! Alright, I’m kidding, Thanos is fine, but seriously, spoilers ahead.

MAGNOLIA YOU ARE NOT - There are too many characters in this film which the story does not manage to balance well, so many of them are under-used. And yes, I did a Magnolia reference, even though this is not the kind of film to compare to Magnolia, but I don’t care, I’m being biased, deal with it!!

THE PLOT - What plot?? I’m kidding, but seriously, what plot?? The film is made up of an escalating series of fight vignettes all under the motto of “We have to stop Thanos!” Especially to the end of the film, we keep cutting to these various locations with different characters that it is hardly possible to engage with any of the stories.

AGE OF THANOS - Yeah, yeah, I know, everyone loves Josh Brolin as Thanos. Well sorry to disappoint, folks, I didn’t like him. C’mon now, get on the trend with this ‘review’, it’s obviously a negative one, stop getting surprised at everything I didn’t like! Obviously if you liked his character, good on you, but I didn’t. In my eyes it was yet again another big CGI villain like the one-note Ultron from the last Avengers flick, only bigger and, in all fairness, had a better motivation, but I found that Brolin played him quite monotone. Yes, you see his tears when he has to kill Gamora to receive the Soul Stone, but I didn’t find that emotional whatsoever. But that’s just me. Or is it?......no, no, it’s definitely just me. I feel your hatred towards me soothing through your body as you are reading this.

THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE ARMIES - Oh look, it’s another massive battle with CGI monsters! Wooo!!

DEADPOOL...ONLY IT’S PG! *GASP!* - MCU films are known to incorporate humour into all their films, but in this one it felt too forced. With the amount of jokes they had it really took away from the gravitas of the darker more emotional moments. As an example, Gamora’s death is straight away followed by a joke about Starbucks. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll happily laugh about Starbucks any day, but still.

“AMERICA, F*** YEAH!!” - Of course the first time aliens arrive on Earth it’s obviously in America! How else are we gonna feel patriotic, eh?

SILLY-LORD - Star-Lord messing up the whole plan at the end with taking the gauntlet of Thanos’ hand could have been done much smoother. Like I get why he was annoyed and angry, but Tony was literally shouting in his ear saying for him to just wait one more minute so that they could take off the glove and then he would have had full right to Fight Club him to his full heart’s desire. But nooooooo, let’s have our characters make dumb decisions. And I’m not just talking about Star-Lord! P.S. Yes, I understand that the whole Star-Lord shtick is a set-up towards Doctor Strange’s ultimate plan of what he saw in the future, but it still feels like a deus ex machina cop out nonetheless.

THE TRUE HEROES - Okay, so I’m sure out of all the complaints on this list I think with this one you might actually agree. Where in the world were Valkyrie, Korg and Miek at the beginning with the Asgardian ship? It’s not like the credits rolled after Thor: Ragnarok and Korg and Valkyrie decided to jump out of the ship into the cosmos in search of coffee? Right? Right??

#TEAMDRAX - Oh, Drax, if only you were.........actually, I don’t have a problem with Drax. No, I’m serious, this one actually is not a complaint. I know, I surprised myself! I do have to give props to both the writing for and performance of Drax. He was actually hilarious in this film and his jokes were actually well timed. From the awkward spying on Gamora’s and Star-Lord’s intimate moment and him being convinced that he’s invisible saying “I have mastered the ability of standing so incredibly still that I have become invisible to the eye....my movement, is so slow that its imperceptible....I’m sure I’m invisible.” to his description of Thor “It’s like a pirate had a baby with an angel.” to the misunderstanding argument where Quill is asking where Gamora is, Iron Man then questions who Gamora even is and then Drax’s logistical, but at the same time misinterpreted response “I’ll do you one better - WHY is Gamora??” In my eyes, Dave Bautista (with his dead-pan delivery of the lines) stole the show as Drax, though Chris Hemsworth as Thor and his buddy-ing up with Rocket was a nice dynamic.

“FREEDOM! I SAID FREEDOM!” - Not going to lie, when Heimdall was killed I actually felt happy for him. You could see in Idris Elba’s eyes how happy he was that he finally full-filled his contract and was freed from his Marvel obligations. We all knew Idris didn’t want to be a part of this franchise, blame his agent.

HAHA, MIDGET! - No, I’m serious, that’s an actual joke in the film.

“WAS THE MUSIC TOO LOUD?” - And we’re back with Marvel films having generic unmemorable scores/soundtracks. Just a bunch of dramatic noises to keep the crowd pumping. Unlike Thor: Ragnarok or Black Panther (and in all fairness the Guardians of the Galaxy films, though I do have a personal vendetta against Vol.2), which actually had good music accompaniment, but now we’re back where we started. Dang it.

“REST IN PEACE, WHY WON’T YOU LET ME REST IN PEACE??” - Those of you who get what I’m referencing with that sub-title, full respect to you. Any-hoot, half of the Avengers die at the end of this film. And it’s the lack of consequence that annoys me, especially with the knowledge of future films on Marvel’s slate. We know some of them will be back. In all fairness, we do seem to have a few proper permanent deaths (then again, this IS Marvel...) in this film with the likes of Loki, Heimdall (good on you, Idris!), Gamora and Vision, but Marvel does have a problem with killing off characters, which is evident at the end of this film. And yes, you can say that its based off the comics and its supposed to be like that, but it does take away any kind of stakes.

GAME OF STONES - The MCU would work so much better as a high budget TV series, since Infinity War seems both rushed and at the same time drags on so much at 2 hours 40 minutes. It’s overstuffed like Thanos’ gigantic purple jawline!

In all seriousness, if you enjoyed Avengers: Infinity War, I’m glad. Truly, I am, and I totally understand why so many people do indeed like it. For me it has definitely proved that I am more of an indie film fan, as to me this endless array of ACTION, ACTION, ACTION with, in my opinion, no deeper meaning or message, is just not my kind of thing. I have lost any kind of excitement for any upcoming superhero films, minus Deadpool 2, I actually think that one will be a good laugh, but otherwise I should stick with independent cinema. I’m not going to give this film a score, as if I would have, it would have been quite low and would have not been fair on the film since I’m not the right person to rate it.

Overall score: N/A

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oranges8hands · 7 years

Note

Regarding this post, "an extremely long meta on tfw's 'gaze'" has anything changed in the show since then, especially regarding s9-10? If you've addressed this before, just send me the links, and thank you for your meta.

re this post. also wow, spn meta, this takes me back :) hmmm. I personally haven’t addressed it. I’ve been racking my brain and skimming my meta rec lists but I don’t really remember someone else doing a count breakdown like that for TFW’s “gaze”. I’d assume @elizabethrobertajones may know, if such a thing exists. I’d honestly assume one doesn’t, just because of three (kind of contradictory) reasons: 1. if that post was basically summarizing that the Team does not focus on Dean’s emotional needs (esp because they are not supernatural in nature), arguably S9/10 was all about Dean’s needs (esp because of the MoC); 2. there’s no TFW anymore; 3. its literally the same story, repeating like the dead horse it is, so they can’t change the gaze.

1. This one I kind of consider self-explanatory. The big, two-season drawn out arc was about Dean, his issues (from bloodlust to daddy’s brainwashing and back around again), and the inconsistent Mark of Cain. Now, I haven’t run the numbers (and sorry, am not interested enough in spn to go do so), so maybe in terms of actual dialogue there’s less focus than I remember there being, but in general the narrative focused a lot on Dean’s emotional landscape being front and center. Sam was afraid of and for Dean, that was a lot of his emotional beats. Cas was afraid for and in pain because of Dean, that was a lot of his emotional beats. Crowley was increasingly invested in Dean, that was a lot of his completely unnecessary emotional beats. So in terms of discussions, a lot of them are focused on Dean and bringing him back to (or in Crowley’s case, dragging him away from) his humanity, shorthand for love. We have out-loud conversations about other members loving him/missing him. (Maybe its still unbalanced - no one shouts about wanting to be loved as much as Crowley, though it subtextually becomes about wanting Dean’s love specifically - but its there.) If the post is about wanting “Dean to be gazed at for any damn substantial length of time and depth of focus in a concentrated group effort by the other members of TFW that lasts longer than an episode”, then the arc during S9/S10 delivered. With shit writing, but it delivered.

Except, the original post made a point about “how the individual relationships—through good times and bad, hurtful feelings and comforting ones—feed into each other to bring out incredible texture and give enormous meaning to the singular unit of togetherness that Dean once named ‘Team Free Will’” and the problem is… there is no TFW. 2. Though fandom often used TFW to refer to Dean, Sam, and Cas, that post specifically included Bobby in it, and there’s been no Bobby replacement. There could have been, but Kevin was not invited into the inner circle (and was then killed), Charlie was mostly separated from the main plot (and was then killed), and while they force-feed brought Crowley into a main character position, even at their height of shoving bringing Crowley into the plot/group, I would argue it wasn’t necessarily as a team member but as a subtextual!lover/shitty father to Dean only, and competition to Cas and Sam. So there isn’t really a “group” to discuss the emotional well-being of another member anymore. There’s Sam and Cas talking about Dean, and Dean and Cas not talking about Sam, and Sam and Dean forgetting Cas exists referring to Cas, but the closest we get to team discussions about another member is with Charlie near the end of her run, and they kill her off immediately. And even if we just include TFW to refer to Dean, Sam, and Cas, the show no longer actually lets Cas be a member of it? Like the show stopped letting Dean and Cas occupy space together, apparently answering the queerbaiting from earlier with a resounding No Homo (Yes Rape), but because their answer was in the form of a scorched-earth policy, that means the Dean and Cas friendship also suffered horribly. Like, they got them together for the annual destiel-baiting cycle moments, but overall Cas was finding himself/his grace (or whatever) and Dean was expanding his bloodlust (or whatever), and then they’d have some scenes to remind us Cas loves Dean more than anything (including himself) and Dean would shed his one manly tear of angst, and then they’d go their separate ways again. And by keeping them apart in more and more outlandish ways, it builds into this idea that Dean is not allowed to show he cares about Cas beyond microexpressions, since his general actions - like never helping Cas with his f-ing grace - suggest otherwise.And then, there are very few and far between scenes of all three of them together? Cas and Sam spent a lot of time talking about Dean, and there’s the Cas and Dean sightings, and there’s way way way too much Dean and Sam, but all three of them together? There wasn’t that many, and especially not that many that wasn’t heavily related to the sub-arc [changing Dean into a human/stopping him from going demon] and as the original post explains:

Characters don’t become closer when they do plot things together: hunting, fighting, planning, researching, etc. That is work, circumstances, necessity. That’s not the basis for a bond, for that sense of another person in one’s life as “home.” Characters become closer when they are human beings with one another, sharing human feelings, and what makes those relationships the beating heart of TFW is that they gather together and don’t leave one another hanging when one person is in crisis and another person is desperate to help them. So, if everyone’s primary relationship is with Dean, then if you take Dean out, what are you left with? A collection of related parts that have no center, no core.

They can’t have Dean and Cas in the same room because of destiel, and they can’t have Dean and Sam separated for too long because Carver!Era doubled-down on their co-dependency, and they don’t have a lot of Sam and Cas because they don’t want Cas in episodes at all, because neither of them thinks of the other as a priority over Dean [though I’d also argue they show a lot of textual concern over each other’s mental states], and Crowley is in a lot of group settings but because of plot reasons and/or his desire for Dean not as a group member, and they killed off everyone else. Now arguably, there’s Jody, still alive, and who the show does somewhat treat similar to Bobby (she has a home base, she gets an episode focused on her like a main character, she acts as an emotional sounding board for the boys), but while she has emotional moments and strong ties to both Sam and Dean… Cas, not so much. Or, like, at all. (IIRC Jody didn’t even learn about angels/demons until Claire comes to live with her, and that knowledge happens off-screen.) But we see Bobby and Cas argue, work with each other, complain to each other, distrust each other, etc. We do not see Jody and Cas interact, which makes her as the 4th member of TFW difficult to see. [She does however interact with Crowley, in the sense they went on a date and he tried to kill her. Which was never actually explained to her. Just, mentioning that.]Anyway - and seriously I loathe writing this sentence - if there is a TFW and fourth member, its Crowley. He even becomes the go-to answer dude, and gets to occupy a father space. Except like I said, there isn’t enough for there to be a TFW still. The promise of found family gets one cute bunker scene and then Charlie dies. There’s no us vs the world foundation because most of the time in these two seasons its Dean (and Crowley) vs Sam and Cas (when he’s around.) 3. Which doesn’t really matter because this show has never met a parallel it didn’t drive into the ground. Like, by the time S9/S10 rolled around, they’ve had so many parallel seasons and villains, its become a patchwork of old ideas and stale retakes. This show is built on both the boys being world-destroying worried over each other, and treating each other like shit on a stick. They can’t turn Dean’s gaze away from Sam because the show always, always goes back to the brothers-only foundation, and they can’t have more people be permanent members of TFW because the show always, always goes back to the brothers-only foundation, and they can’t actually address anything and move the characters into a healthy direction (which would involve talking about things, esp their feelings) because the show always, always goes back to the brothers-only foundation, so… what’s the point? The numbers won’t prove anything, whether they show TFW’s gaze on Dean more or less than it used to be, because Dean is still (always) going to feel unloved/unwanted, and nothing Sam or Cas (or - jfc I can’t believe I have to type this - Crowley) do is going to change that. Dean is the POV character for the show, and has been since arguably midway into S1, and the underlining character trait the writers will never permanently address is his (disturbing) focus on/control of Sam, so even in scenes when Sam himself is a nonentity, focusing on Dean refocuses on Sam (while also not really caring about Sam at all, this show is weirdly skilled at this contradictory balance.) Basically the show has written themselves into a corner where they have to fix their foundation, or they can only repeat the same tired story lines (though usually with more rape), and they seem to consistently choose to do the latter. tl;dr: so, uh, my incredibly long-winded answer to your question is while the numbers may have changed, and the structure of the TFW may have changed (or become nonexistent), the other characters can never truly gaze at Dean long, or the show would have to actually address its foundational problems (Dean’s view of Sam, their unhealthy relationship), and that means changing the show’s structure, which is a level of creativity/skill the writers do not possess.

#spn #a and a #wish I tagged characters/posts better on this blog #//#elizabethrobertajones is still into spn & has done re-watches (recently?ish?) so she may know the mathematical answer to your question #I unfortunately do not #but I did notice someone recently reblogged the post with 'old meta but nothing has changed' so... that may be your answer too #also I tend to pepper my spn meta posts with links but they aren't like required reading or anything #[not that any of this is]#also I feel like I should warn you - I mean totally feel free to follow me! I like followers! I like talking to them!#I'm cool talking abt spn! - but on this and my other blog I don't post a lot of [*cough* or any really] spn *meta* anymore #186282397milespersec

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lukecmurray · 8 years

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2016 Review - Starting With 2015

- me, at starbucks in january 2016, reviewing 2015 -

After a couple of weeks off the grid, purposefully being non-productive, it's time for me to review last year and get a clear mental picture of the upcoming year. In the first couple months of last year I wrote a total of 11 blog posts devoted to this topic, which was unquestionably excessive.

I'm hoping to trim it down quite a bit this year, but I'm going to start by reading through these posts and pulling out what I learned both from 2015 and from my process of reviewing it.

2015 REVIEW: A PREAMBLE ON OUR PERCEPTIONS vs THE TRUTH

What i wrote/how i felt before previewing 2015:

"I don’t want to f*ing talk about this cause I feel like puking because I’m so unsuccessful at this…it is just terribly hard which is why I have been avoiding this analysis. Because it hurts…. Gosh I don’t want to face all this. But I need to take emotion out of the equation. Be very objective and just take the feedback. Like I wrote about. I should keep making dog tags* every year…despite the embarrassment & shame and disappointment I feel at the end of the year…”

Wow! I don’t feel that way at all as I sit down to review last year. I think the biggest reason why is because i had one very simple metric, just one, that i kept track of each week and i know that i crushed it and basked in the glory of the awesomeness two months ago. By contrast, I didn’t know how good or bad I had done that year, but just had a suspicion that the answer was “probably bad”. Goes to show that this was a HUGE amount of growth for me in this area, and drives home the point that having as few metrics as possible (and preferably only one) allows you to not only hit that metric on time but also makes it easier for you to track your progress along the way.

2015 REVIEW INTRO - WHY?

Why am I doing this?

make new/different mistakes in 2016 - made some of the same mistakes (i.e. not prioritizing relationships) but not to the same extent

get more accurate w/goals vs. reality (for higher level expectation calibration) - DEFINITELY. I said that I would accomplish my new year’s resolution and i did (among many other things that i said i would do). boom!

increase my ability to accomplish goals - accuracy and ability both were increased

to record things, so that I have a sense of having lived, of having “done things”, of having moved forward in my life. - i did my weekly review every week and my daily review checkins (recording what I did each day) went from 166 to 349 checkins...out of 365 possible!

2015 REVIEW: LOOKING EVEN FURTHER BACK

This post reviewed the structure I used to analyze previous years. It covered 2012, 2013 and 2014.

2015′s structure is the content of this entire post.

2015 REVIEW: WHAT DID I DO LAST YEAR?…

I looked through my field notes and my google calendar and for every month I put 2-8 highlights of what happened. This should be really easy for me to do since i did a weekly review every week this year and it was based on my daily summary of what i did, which i completed with almost 100% frequency in 2016.

I need to re-start the today project to add more color/richness to my life memories, thoughts. Memory compression really messes with your ability to tease out how much time has passed and how much you have actually experienced in a year (or even in a week).

2015 REVIEW: HIGH LEVEL HABITS ANALYSIS

I went over a spreadsheet analysis of my habits and had the following takeaways before digging in deep.

- try to make every goal/outcome a daily habit of some kind, so you can keep all your data collection in one place. I did this pretty well, and everywhere I put stuff besides coach.me (i.e. trying to keep track of a planned week by week vs. an actual week by week) i did not keep up for the entire year.

- long crappy streak march -> sept. Is this seasonal or something? I thought maybe the 'new year phenomenon' (where I start to lock it down at the end of the year and beginning of the new year) was to blame.

Looks like this definitely happened in 2014 and 2015 (climbing, peaking, and winding down around january), though not in the exact same months. 2016 was definitely stronger/more consistent in the beginning of the year, but then I crushed september & october in a way that I’ve never crushed checkins before since the beginning of time. Probably helped that I was unemployed at the time ;)

One thing that’s tough to see was how bad I slacked off each year in the middle of the year. Let’s lay each year over top of each other to look at that.

Looks like April - July was relatively worse than the rest of the year for the last three years. I seem to kick things into gear in August. I think a goal for this year is to make April -> July the strongest part of the year.

- Comparing total checkins week to week kept me motivated consistently.

- One of my biggest 2015 revelations was that eat that frog & get in bed on time are two of the most important habits I have. And they are the two I did the least. Pretty sure I’m going to find that while I did much better with them this year, that they still are most likely my two lowest number of checkins.

2015 REVIEW: DEEP DIVE HABITS ANALYSIS

I did an analysis by habit, how each one did over time throughout the year. I also did an analysis of how i did on habits overall, focused on each month. Luckily I have many of the same habits I’m working on, so I can directly compare last year to this year. Also, I think I’ll combine my ‘what I did each month’ post with a description of how I did with my total habit checkins for that month, so this will be broken into two posts, but will combine two posts.

2015 REVIEW: THE BEST & THE WORST THINGS

BEST

- Relationships - I crushed it in 2015. Actually, of the 5 goals I set, “be terrifyingly honest in relationships” was the only one that I gave myself a 100% on. And somehow I didn’t care that momentum into 2016.

- Outsource as much as possible - I snuck back into my inbox in 2016 and need to get out of it...especially because I know getting out of it was one of the best things that happened to me in 2015.

- Soldier mountain - A crazy ‘follow your heart with your friends’ plan. Buying and remodeling the RV was more frustrating, and I think that if it had been something I was doing with a friend that had the same vision for it, that would have changed the experience, even with the same setbacks.

WORST

- almost all of the 'worst' things were things I didn’t accomplish, expectations I didn’t meet, promises to myself that I did not keep. That is to say, they were controllable in that i could have either said no to other things to accomplish them or not set them as a goal in the first place.

I also wrote about how one of my best friends talked about how his biggest fear in life was that it could only get worse. He couldn't imagine things being better so he thought that they could only go in the other direction. In this blog post I said "I don't feel like my life situation is that awesome...but after looking at this list above, I'm not too far from there." At this point in my life, in almost every way except for romantic relationships, I'd say that this is the closest to this case that it has ever been. In other words - this year, and especially the last few months, has been some of the best in my entire life.

2015 REVIEW: GOALS - HOW DID I DO?

Last year i published 5 goals on my dog tags. They were:

- help one med student per month - collect info & decide what i want to do after residency - be terrifyingly honest about relationships - exercise & physical therapy 200x in the year - publish one thought per week

The problem with this system, is that the last two goals were easily and consistently trackable and recorded via my coach.me app, while the other three were completely separate - either tracked a different way in a different place, or not quantifiable at all. And that's not to mention the zillion other habits i tracked with excruciating detail in coach.me that weren’t on my dog tags.

Just looking at this list after having my super-simplified process this year, it’s obvious that I wasn’t going to be able to go five for five.

I analyzed each goal by asking:

How much progress did I make?

Was it a high quality goal?

What barriers did I come across in accomplishing this goal and what solutions could help me overcome them?

After looking at this, I should ask myself these questions much more often - is it the right goal? is it working? what’s keeping it from working better and how do I fix that?

1. Help one med student per month - Big barrier then was fear. This wasn't a goal this year but it is one in life. Still feel fear about this and not sure how to get around it.

2. Collect info and decide what to do after residency - 'deciding what's next' still weighs on me a lot. It creates a lot of stress. I feel like 'plan next month' or something like that is perpetually on my plate. And the solution was just to be decisive. That's it. I find that I often need to analyze a lot in order for me to have confidence in a decision, or at least in a higher level strategy.

For example, I was feeling hesitant about appling for jobs. A couple of times I stepped back and wrote for a few hours about what exactly those fears were, where they came from, if they were legitimate etc. I turned this into a post called “when I start to doubt” and I reviewed that whenever I started feeling those same fears and hesitancies. This really helped move me forward in times of ambiguity.

Another thing i need to remember that i learned from great by choice (jim collins book) is that you don’t always need to rush your decisions. The way he describes it is “how much time before your risk profile changes”? In other words, how much important information will I gain by delaying this decision and at what price? For example, I had a lot of different things I could have done during my time off in January, but I did not lock down plans until almost a week ahead of time. This closed the door on some things, but it allowed me to stay flexible to opportunities, and since my goal for that time was to ‘chill’ and have the freedom to do things that popped up.

3. Be terrifyingly honest about relationships - this was a huge win for me in 2015 and probably the biggest thing where i left growth on the table in 2016. i'd say as far as affecting the quality of my life, this was the biggest step backwards...though i don't feel unhappy about my life, i just know that this was such an awesome thing in 2015.

4. Writing (”publish one thought per week”) - I proposed putting all my notes about this in coach.me instead of trying to track my writing progress on another document somewhere. I did this in 2016 and made it MUCH easier to track. I also thought about using old material as a catalyst, and that worked, too. I’ll write about my progress on this in 2016 in the next post.

5. workout, pt, IM - i'm getting better at this. vs last year, but it's lumped into my coach.me goals. Another example of learning to consolidate where I keep all my data.

2015 REVIEW: LIVING MY CORE VALUES

How much more closely did I live my core values? I talked about writing about this in my daily goals review habit. Since I tracked it in coach.me I’ll be able to see how much I did this in 2016. Definitely something to continue to work towards.

Bottom Line Takeaways

The reason for doing this was to improve the efficacy and efficiency of how I review 2016. In addition to that, however, I pulled the following action items/insights to apply in 2017.

Have one metric or at least one place to keep them all. i tried to do a plan vs. actual week by week plan so i could get a high level view of things and to keep track of how things changed. i did it for awhile...actually for most of the year, but it was never very influential in my behavior and was 'just another place to look'. I'm going to give up on keeping track of how things change when i look at projects longer term and put this kind of planning into my calendar, which I already use daily.

Restart the today project to enhance life memory vividness.

Do a half-day month+ review, or some sort of long term perspective like the the kayak appreciation trip where you reflect on your progress and be thankful for it.

Make april -> july the strongest part of the year

Eat the frog & IBOT = the most consistent things I do besides review each day.

Being ‘terrifyingly honest in relationships’ was one of the best things in 2015 and didn't carry that momentum into 2016

Outsource was also a best thing in 2015 that i let slip in 2016.

Soldier mountain - the formula that made this a ‘best thing’ was: a dream + a friend

Worst things that happened could have all been avoided by not expecting them or not halfheartedly committing to them.

Read my own blog. These are lessons I know apply to me specifically. It’s worth my time to remind myself of what they are.

first draft: 1/20/16

posted: 1/21/16

total time spent: 5.5 hrs

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