#wow i log in tumblr like once a month and when i do

[daycourtofficial]

The anon that mentioned room temp cum & eris’ hot cum, I have a follow up. Cold cum has to be worse surely?? I mean why is it cold??? Also if Eris’ is extra hot do we think kallias’ would be cold?

For me it’s a texture thing bc once it becomes room temperature it coagulates and becomes more… jelly like (for biological reasons semen is more liquid when it’s coming out so it moves more easily and more quickly into the reproductive organs. Then it coagulates so it can stay in those organs - but if it’s not in a body, it’ll still coagulate). Idk if you’ve ever experience cold semen bc assumingly it’d either be inside, on a body, or on a cloth/blanket/towel. If it’s on your body, it’ll likely stay between room temp and your body temp.

What if Kallias shot straight up ice cumsicles

Wow that was a weird paragraph to type imagine logging onto tumblr dot com for the first time in months and this is the first thing you see

[blazehedgehog]

Sir BlazeHedgehog, where is your nickname from?

Oh wow, somebody actually asked for once instead of me having to volunteer it.

This is probably at least the third time I've said this just on this blog alone, but since tumblr search is worthless, we'll take it from the top one more time, but I'll hide it behind a "read more" tag for those who would rather skip it.

And because I'm going to be hiding it behind a tag, I'm going to go all in and tell a story.

The short answer is I made it up.

I am from a time before the internet was everywhere, on everything. In the 5th or 6th grade, our computer lab teacher introduced us to the world wide web using the suite of Apple Macintoshes they had available.

And when I say "Macintosh" I mean the original. Black and white screens, Hypercard, the whole deal from 1984. Keeping in mind it was currently 1995.

About 25-30 of these little guys split in to two rows. In the middle of the classroom sat a lone Macintosh Performa. Good kids got to use the Performa.

The Performa was the only computer that was capable to render what we would begin to know as the modern internet. It had Netscape Navigator installed, which supported the somewhat-new technology of webpages with embedded images.

For the rest of us, we were introduced to the text-based internet. You would bring up a terminal application and have to type out commands to interface with the school's webserver in order to check things like email (using PINE). You browsed the internet using Lynx. There was no mouse, no clicking. You scrolled using the arrow keys and could highlight links with tab.

They taught us other terminal commands, like how to open a direct text chat with another student in the lab, some basic formatting and typing stuff, etc. It was slow, difficult to use, and the internet was a lot smaller back then. We had somewhat strict rules on what we could and could not do on these machines, but since they couldn't do much, it wasn't hard to enforce.

In high school, half of the lab was a mixture of older 5200 Performas and newer 6600 "Pizza Box" Performas, with the other half being more left over monochrome Macintoshes. They also had "the one really nice computer" but this one was a modern (by 1997 standards) Power Mac G3. New tech came newer rules: no installing games, no adult content (even soft stuff, like girls in bikinis), and no chat rooms.

We were teenagers, though. You tell us not to do something, and that immediately makes you want to do it. I remember catching some of the particularly geeky among us logging in and playing online MUDs (the precursor to MMOs), and others trying to get around the Foolproof Software locks to install games or look at porn.

(This is a newer photo of that same computer lab, and I'm unsurprised that, outside of kids being on more modern hardware, absolutely nothing about the setup of that room has changed.)

I wasn't really in my spiral of depression yet, so I used the computers like a good little boy and followed the rules.

Until the last few days of the semester before summer break. That's when everybody -- students, teachers -- collectively stop caring about keeping up proper appearances. I remember having big free periods and spending time in the computer lab. I was usually the only one in there. So, immediately, I began looking up chat rooms.

A few friends and I had gotten into deep trouble a few months earlier, because one wild night during a sleepover we called into a "party line", which was a service where you were hooked into what is now known as a "discord group chat." Except you didn't know who you were getting connected with. They were total strangers. That was part of the thrill. It was new and exciting. We happened to be lucky enough to get a group of girls who were near enough to our age (maybe a little older), and we spent hours talking with them via speakerphone.

The thing was, there was a precedent that doing that cost money. You were calling a 1-800 number, and there were service fees associated with that. Per-minute. So we racked up a bill of something like $70-$100+ that night. That was a big problem.

But internet chat was free. The allure was impossible to ignore. And with it being the last few days of school, who could stop me? At worst I'd be kicked out of the computer lab, but they weren't going to, like, expel me. Being in trouble was a fake idea.

I forget where I ended up the first day, it was some kind of general Yahoo chat or something, but I remember I was too shy to be myself. Being 13 or 14 at the time, I decided to roleplay as Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon. One of the only times I ever did anything like that. I was full-on "I send a rose to all the ladies @}---;----" and everything, it was awful.

On the final day, I started looking up Sonic fansites and ended up somewhere called "Ruby's Sonic Page." This was the homepage of Dawn Best, under the handle Ruby the Echidna. It was there she talked about a game I'd never heard of before -- Sonic Adventure -- and provided a link to the announcement trailer in glorious 160p MPEG-1 video. I was blown away. They were making new Sonic games again?

Provided was a link to discuss the game with other Sonic fans, and it lead to Missy's Sonic Chat, a Beseen Chat Room on a website called Xoom (one of the many Geocities clones). Beseen Chats weren't live chatrooms like we'd think of modern-day Discord, or even AIM or IRC. Beseen was much more comparable to Twitter, or Tumblr, in that it was a website where you could post messages and could refresh the feed to see what other people had posted. It was a bit of a hack, but it worked well enough.

The whole thing was broken down in to different frames (if you're too young to know what those are: imagine multiple separate embedded webpages, sectioned off to specific portions of the screen). So you'd have a frame on the left that was a userlist, where people had set names and even large image avatars for themselves. At the bottom you'd have a text entry field with two buttons at the end: Send and Refresh. And then taking up most of the screen real estate was the feed itself. Something sort of like this, I guess:

And a lot of people in this Beseen chat had made up their own, original characters. This was my first introduction to Sonic OCs. And Missy's chat was a veritable who's who extremely talented fanartists. Ruby, Barachan, T2, J. Axer, Rinacat, etc.

I wanted to fit in, so I felt like I needed to come up with "a character" of my own.

Literally the first name to jump to mind was "Blaze the Hedgehog." I didn't like it. It was too obvious. Surely there had to be other Blaze the Hedgehogs out there, right? And I wasn't even particularly attached to "flame" powers.

So I sat there for a few minutes, trying to think of something better. My mind went blank.

Admitting defeat, "Blaze the Hedgehog" it was.

The chat was rather dead, given it was still technically a school day, and once I went home that afternoon, that was the end of my access to the internet. The best we had at home was some sort of Hyundai thing -- amber monochrome monitor, no graphics rendering, no hard disk, basically just a glorified word processor.

That changed once my mom got her tax return a little while later. She invested in a 233mhz Packard Bell desktop computer with Windows 98 and a subscription to America Online.

When prompted to make my own AOL username, I decided to go with "Blazehgehg." BlazeHedgehog. The character I'd made up at school.There it was. For the first time, for real, it was set in stone. And from 1998 to 2023, I've never changed it. Other "Blaze the Hedgehog"s have come and gone, but I've been the constant.

Later that night, I found my way back to Missy's Sonic Chat, and I grabbed one of Axer's Sonic images, sloppily recoloring it in MSPaint. I printed it out for posterity and kept it in a folder with artwork I'd actually drawn.

Blue and green were my favorite colors. Sonic was blue, so Blaze was green. Instead of shoes, he had boots. He wore a leather vest with a black t-shirt on underneath that covered most of his body. And atop his head, a sprout of hair, colored like a flame.

Blaze's only real role as a "character" was in the first and only fanfiction I ever wrote for him; the story was a blend of Final Fantasy VII and an anime I was in love with at the time named "Green Legend Ran." It's better it was lost to time. Besides, I don't think it was ever finished.

Blaze would go through several revisions over the years. More immediately, The Matrix hit the next year, and Blaze was given a trenchcoat. Also, since I could like, actually draw, I decided to stop painting over other people's artwork and draw Blaze for myself.

Eventually, Blaze Hedgehog the character fell out of favor. I grew up. I never really used him for much more than a forum avatar anyway, and even then, I felt like people were judging me for having a Sonic OC. Especially a green hedgehog. There were a dime-a-dozen green hedgehog Sonic OCs floating around.

Once Sega introduced Blaze the Cat in 2005, that sort of became the final nail in the coffin. But by then, I'd been using "BlazeHedgehog" as an online username for seven years. I'd grown attached to it. I didn't want to change it. So... I didn't.

As I've gotten older and put some distance between myself and that time, I find myself a bit nostalgic for the character of Blaze the Hedgehog. I redesigned him a bit a few years ago to look more like a traditional Sega Sonic character, swapping in a bomber jacket and getting rid of the shirt.

And, of course, there was Sonic Forces. Options were limited there, but a brown leather jacket and the weird black bodysuit got closest. I was most surprised by the hairstyle options. While we don't get the classic yellow-to-red, we do get a green-to-red, which is good enough. And I really like these ring-strap boots.

That's about all there is to say, really. These days it's just a username for me, and I keep it so old friends can find me more easily. I'm pretty terrible at keeping up with some people, and I get the feeling I probably come off cold to others when that's never been my intention. But for those who want to keep tabs on me, they know where to find me.

[nordic-language-love]

wow you're so cool! how do you keep up with (what i assume are all side hobbies on top of probably a regular job) all of the things you do in your logs, especially with adhd? I struggle a lot with executive dysfunction and would love any new tips! Also, moving to Japan, what prompted you to move and how?? Thanks in advance for answering, and also so cool!!!

Hahaha thanks for thinking I'm cool 😅 Well, I'm a part-time performing artist and aerial/pole dance instructor, so I'm always at the studio for teaching on Thursdays and Sundays if nothing else, and I'll typically train a bit before teaching and do some kind of stretching as part of my warm-up. Sometimes I go in on other days too because I'll need to cover classes or because I'll book on to classes. Having a commitment like a booked class definitely helps with motivation!

As for languages: a lot of the activities I do require minimal executive function (e.g. reviewing vocabulary on Anki, playing on an app, reading a fun little science article in Norwegian etc) and I often do them when I lack executive function elsewhere (e.g. when I've driven somewhere and I'm struggling to transition from being in my car to getting out of my car). So it's not really hard to do them even with executive dysfunction. I also try to squeeze in listening as a form of multitasking (listening to Japanese music or Norwegian radio while I'm driving/doing housework etc). And sometimes I hyperfocus! So I might study a language all day and not realise I've done it.

Sometimes having a strict schedule really works for me, so I might plan my day down to the minute. Other times it's too restrictive and I just kinda do what I want. At this point I've learned to embrace the bouncy brain and follow where my interests take me.

I've also learned to accept I might need to lower my expectations of myself just to get me started. A 1-hour exercise session seems daunting. 5 minutes "just moving" is a lot more manageable (and will very likely turn into a 1-hour session). I do this with housework too: rather than saying "I'm gonna unload the dishwasher now" I'll be like "I'm gonna take ONE thing out of the dishwasher and put it away". Giving myself permission to not complete tasks can help me get started (and often I do actually finish the task anyway).

I can also overcome executive dysfunction with the countdown method (when I remember to employ it lol). It's something I saw on tumblr, actually: whenever you decide you want to do something, count down from 5. By the time you've finished your countdown, you need to have moved in the direction of the thing you want to do. You don't have to start it; just move towards it. When I remember to do it, it works a good 95% of the time.

I do indeed have a job! I teach ESL on italki, which means I often have work to prepare the night before. I know that starting it too early is pointless, so I purposefully leave it until the last minute, because that's when I'll actually get it done. No "well I'll do it now so I can relax later". No feeling guilty for not doing it. I know and trust myself enough to get things once the deadline starts to loom.

As for Japan... it's a bit of a long story, but basically I've always wanted to live abroad, and I got a TEFL certificate in 2020. I looked at places I could go, Japan came up as one of the best countries in terms of pay and living standard. So, I sent out some inquiries, got an interview and then a job offer. Didn't end up taking it for a bunch of reasons, but then a few months ago they got back in touch asking me if I'd like to reopen my application and I decided to accept this time. So, off I go in January!

Anyway, that was an essay! My apologies 😅 Good luck with your executive dysfunction! It can be a real bitch to overcome, but it's possible with practice and trial & error!

[snow-in-the-desert]

I posted 3,179 times in 2022

That's 1,547 more posts than 2021!

59 posts created (2%)

3,120 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@panalegs27

@senlinyu

@headfullofnargles

@valancyjane

@starcats1219

I tagged 759 of my posts in 2022

#queue - 67 posts

#hotd spoilers - 18 posts

#reylo - 17 posts

#house of the dragon - 13 posts

#procreate - 9 posts

#illustration - 9 posts

#love between fairy and devil - 8 posts

#taylor swift - 8 posts

#andor - 8 posts

#ben solo - 7 posts

Longest Tag: 138 characters

#my therapist tells me you have to have achievable goals but is it really asking too much to live in my little mouse home and bake all day?

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

Happy Holidays to all the Reylos 🎄❄️🎁

Here's something I made for fun & I'm quite pleased with the results

Twitter

184 notes - Posted December 4, 2022

#4

Taylor: 🎵It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero🎵

Me: babe you have no idea 😭😭😭😭😭

See the full post

565 notes - Posted October 21, 2022

#3

genuinely curious how much longer politicians and journalists can get away with saying that all these natural disasters are "once in a lifetime events" and "unprecedented" when they're now happening with such regularity and intensity it's not a question of if they'll occur, but when. where. for how long.

Every summer is "the hottest on record". Every fire season and flash flooding event is the worst we've ever seen. It's almost like... the climate is changing.. weird, huh? Someone should start looking into that...

883 notes - Posted March 1, 2022

#2

Tumblr needs a Memories feature where it provides a highlight reel or analytics of your engagement with specific fandoms... I mean, just imagine logging on to the hell site one fine sunny morning and getting a direct message from staff saying, "A year ago on this day you liked 709 posts about the Ever Given knotting the Suez Canal!" or "Wow time flies! It's been 365 days since you last reblogged nothing but destiel shitposts for a month on end..." Nothing would make me reevaluate my life and the time I spend on here as quickly as getting one of those notifications on my dash. Truly disturbing.

I need it.

1,522 notes - Posted March 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

absolutely sickening that on the one year anniversary of our beloved Ever Given blocking the Suez Canal I have not seen one post in commemoration.. christ I have to do everything round here, don't I?

My hero... My conqueror... My captain...

3,832 notes - Posted March 23, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[hhoonii]

hello !! i think i will watch the movie you mentioned, and the movies i watched were in my mother tongue: salaar, mirchi and radhe shyam. these are my favorite movies. i am thinking of watching radhe shyam again 😭 it's my fav <3

thank you for saying that, i mean we always bicker but love each other so much, but i hate her at the same time 🥲 yes, that's that.

help help help 🙏🏼 hope you take good care of yourself, if you're comfortable, may i know what year or major you do? if not, tell me later if we become moots 😮

yes, i know. it might be hard to write. if you have free time, you could write then if not, take it slow like i said. i actually want to start writing too, but i nees to adjust to the college timings 🥲

summer is completed here, it's monsoon. it doesnt rain much but i like the warmth ^^ how was your trip to korea emie?? and nursing course... wow, you must be a medicala student then 🤟🏼 yo yo

i have been wanting to learn coding but i feel lazy and procrastinate a lot, the 4 months free time i had is all gone now, and college starts literally next week 😭

well, let's talk at least once a week or twice if you log into tumblr, can't lose a friend like you emie love <33

july anon <3

that's so cool! i'll check out those movies too :D. and it's the same with my brother, we bicker a lot too LOL.

i'll be a freshman in college this year and i'm a psych major! wbu? and omg yess you should start a writing blog too so we can become moots!! take as much time as you need tho :)

korea was so niceee i did a lot of eating and shopping hehe. i actually saw enhypen too at their romance:untold trailer premiere event!! they looked so good omg T^T

and yes, i'm studying to be someone in the healthcare field!! i've always wanted to try coding too but it seems so complicated :(. i hope you can find the motivation to start learning!! think about all the cool things you can do once you learn!

i'll try to log into tumblr when i can, so always feel free to send in an ask! good luck for college next week, we got this!

[saetoru]

TEE baby baby tee! I hope ur day is super chill 😘 babe I recall u mentioned you've been on this app once as a sfw blog for how long?? How was it, is it better like that or now 😏 I'm thinking whether I should make a shift from safe to unsafe 😂 I mean I do rb 🔞 atm but I only write safe ones. Gosh Idk I find writing spicy scenes like a chore whenever I tried while my plots twisted like a dead knot. Like seriously babe, I can go on and on and I enjoy making my characters bleed esp the angst oh god. Damn but when I reach the 🌶️ parts good lord I hate my pieces. Its not that I can't write them but I'm being too detailed with it I get so tired it's like a chore. I totally respect how u can wow me everytime. Love u Tee!!

HELLO BELOVED !! i hope this answer finds u since u did send this ask a few hours ago 😔

BUT !! i was a sfw writer when i started out, yes !! i was sfw for probably around 9-10 ish ?? months ?? and then i left my sfw blog behind and started this one and it’s been a bit over a year now !! i’ll hit 2 yrs of writing on tumblr in january !!

i honestly rly enjoy being an 18+ blog vs 16+ bc i find my interactions in my inbox were less annoying when the minors for the most part aren’t in there 😭 and i can make unfiltered comments and jokes now that i don’t have to keep everything pg. plus it’s a lot easier to just have everything on one blog whether it’s sfw or nsfw instead of having to jump between a side or log into a different one completely. so if ur thinking of making the shift, i’d say do it !! hopefully ur followers rn aren’t majority minors or that would be complicated 🥲 if you wanna keep them separate, i suggest making a nsfw side so that ur main is sfw and okay to follow/interact with anything and ur nsfw will just be ur adult space on the side. if ur not into side blogs u can also just make a separate new blog but logging in and out is AWFUL if u ask me 🥲

and writing nsfw isn’t easy always !! sometimes you feel like you’re repeating yourself or are writing the same things over and over and etc but tbh just practicing makes a big difference. my smut a year ago was 🥲 a rather comical attempt i’d say LMAKFNAMFJ and it’s not the best now either i wouldn’t say but it’s significantly improved. reading other works and just practicing is probably the best way to improve as much of a chore as it seems but once you find a bit of your own rhythm, it’s not so bad !! i enjoy writing the smut scenes now for the most part in my fics—sometimes it takes some time for me to find the writing mood to do that, but once i’m in the zone i do enjoy it !! so hopefully you’ll find your groove soon

manifesting horny thoughts for you 🤞🏽 ANYWAY HOPE U HAVE A NICE DAY and hope u r taking care !!

[agayhurricane]

///

[taketheringtolohac]

i 100% believe miles comes out on tumblr like after rise of the ashes or something and everyone rejoices (this headcanon is sheer fucking gold btw)

Oh dear you’ve activated my trap card for this hc get ready for this because i definitely agree that Miles coming out is CELEBRATED on tumblr however it’s a LONG journey before he gets there. Before I get into it though there is a cw for briefly talking about suicide so please be mindful of that! It’s mostly in the context of the note post RFTA and people speculating what happened to Miles in his disappearance from tumblr, but I do talk about it so.

Ok here we go

So Miles is well known as That Guy on Steel Samurai tumblr who is absolutely insufferable to interact with but he writes good meta and writes even BETTER fics, but it’s the kind where something is obviously going on in this guys life and is he ok? Because it seems like he’s working through some shit and that combined with his ask answering sprees of outright denying he’s gay and just talking Like That on the internet people get a kick out of him and he’s JUST tolerable enough that people don’t really DO anything about it. He probably gets a call out post maybe like one time but it’s just by some rando who’s pretty new to the fandom and doesn’t get the sort of unspoken agreement steel samurai collective fandom has made to just put up with him despite him being absolutely dreadful.

But then all of a sudden Miles just... disappears one day out of nowhere. At first it’s just a day, then a day turns into a week, and a week turns into a month and people are like what the fuck? What happened to the iq of 127 guy? And people start writing WILD theories about what happened to him to chase him off the website because it’s like, 2016. But people start to get WORRIED when his longest running fic Updates it’s FINAL(!?) chapter and he just... kills off the Evil Magistrate. That’s when people are like oh my god did he? Did he fucking kick the bucket? Oh my god what the hell and he is just absolute radio silence on tumblr because surprise! He leaves the note in his office and then he also decides to leave tumblr at the same time because he really genuinely thinks that this is it for him.

HOWEVER. Miles also has a best friend in the Steel Samurai fandom. Someone who he met on tumblr years ago and who he enjoyed debating and conversing with who he thinks has very well thought out opinions on the show even if he doesn’t agree with all of them (he does agree with most of their points, which is why he was so open to their friendship in the first place). And they’re the ONLY person who he keeps in contact with while he’s in Europe finding himself after his breakdown.

That person is Maya Fey.

He and Maya became friends years ago and neither of them know who each other are or how old they are or really anything about each other except their screen names and more personal details that they choose to share over kik, which Miles only got because he was curious to know more about her and it was the only platform she offered. She was very hesitant about choosing to become his friend, but Maya’s fixer complex told her wow this is a broken man, maybe IM the one who’s gonna make him a better person and make him less awful. And for the first few years this had minimal success. She got him to say a few more slang terms, but really he didn’t change all that much. But she was consistently kind to him! And once you got to know him he really isn’t that bad, especially in those rare moments of emotional vulnerability he allowed himself (he was too afraid of being “found out” even though he had moved out years ago) and he could actually be a pretty fun guy.

It isn’t until Miles’s year in Europe when things really start to change. He had a very vocal crisis to her over kik that kinda freaked both of them out, and as I mentioned he stopped using tumblr entirely and Maya gets WORRIED about him and he just. Starts telling her stuff because he’s emotional. It’s the most he’s EVER told her and it’s still nothing TOO revealing because he knows how public his image is and he doesn’t want ANYONE, not even who he considers to be his closest friend, to find out who he is online because he doesn’t want to be seen as unprofessional or just general shame about his hobbies. And over the course of that year they just... slowly she keeps beating it into his head that he’s a good person! Or at the very least a FINE one who is trying to be good and that’s all that matters. And like he starts to just... internalize it. And starts listening to her advice about maybe going to therapy. And then HE starts listening to HER problems more and it becomes... a more mutual friendship. And it’s nice because he’s never had anyone like that! But he keeps talking about this guy who saved him and stuff and that’s when Maya is like woah pump the breaks dude we need to talk about how you’re definitely gay and he gets SUPER defensive about it but like over time he just. He starts to come to terms with it, and she helps him a lot but he does a lot of that work himself too.

And so when he comes back in 2-4 he’s starting to feel... better of course but also different? And more confident in himself. He still has a long way to go but he’s learning! And that’s what matters to him! But with learning and trying to be better he realizes something. He has to log back onto tumblr and actually like, apologize for being horrible. And he does just that. But when he logs back on he’s SHOCKED that he has HUNDREDS of asks a lot of them are the usual but a lot of them are also ones of like, GENUINE concern asking if he was ok and if he was still alive and he’s taken aback that people even SENT HIM kind asks when he was so awful to them.

Miles makes a really long apology/announcement post where he’s INCREDIBLY sincere and in it he OPENLY acknowledges that he was dealing with a lot of unresolved trauma and says something about how he came to terms with being gay in his absence and he thinks that that’ll be the end of it but within literal MINUTES of him posting that he’s getting asks telling him how HAPPY THEY ARE that he’s not only ok and doing better but that he came out and people WELCOMING him to the community and then there’s like posts that are like “And people then make posts like wow am I the only one who got emotional about the guy with a iq of 127s thank you post? anyone else? Just me? Ok (12.6k notes)” and “If the 127 iq guy can get better and learn to work towards being positive then you can too (54.9k notes)” within a matter of DAYS and seeing those and just

It’s weirdly SO validating for him that he was being cheered on by literally THOUSANDS of people who are celebrating his growth as a person! That are celebrating his COMING OUT when he was SO scared of that part of himself for SO long. And the fact that people were ROOTING FOR HIM even when he was the actual worst just. It makes him feel so good about himself and it makes him feel loved! So much so that he writes ANOTHER post thanking everyone for being so kind to him and telling them that things DO get better and there ARE people that appreciate them and it just... gets passed around because it’s a really inspiring and reassuring message and people just GENUINELY start to appreciate him. And it’s just a celebration of HIS character growth by THOUSANDS of people he doesn’t even know because man was he famous outside of his perceived sphere of influence due to the amount of meme material he ended up writing.

He still used tumblr and stuff after all this but he’s really calmed down a lot, he even rewrites the ending of his long running fic that caused people to panic about him. And he still answers asks and writes meta and fics and stuff, and he’s still MILES of course so he can be a bit of an ass when you disagree with him but he’s. Nicer. And happier. And that’s what matters.

[reaja]

2022 Goals

We love a good list, lads. Oh yes we do. It's that time again! Time for the lofty yet reasonably attainable goals list. I recently went back over my 2021 goal list and was really surprised by how many of the goals I actually fulfilled or made significant progress on. This last year, well couple of years, felt like one big never-ending day where nothing goes right! But then I look at the list and check off the things and I realize: "hey wow actually I did some really difficult and worthwhile things despite all the adversity I faced!" and, friends, it feels good.

So, here we go again. Putting this behind a cut because I'm not a monster.

Fannish

- Take one day a week off entirely from fandom. Brazenly stealing this one from @gracerene, but holy heck it's such a great idea. I run a large fandom community and several events and it's so easy to get sucked in and never take time away to just do other stuff.

- Post recs to tumblr when I read excellent fic. I made new fandom specific banners for this a month ago! Looking forward to getting back to rec'ing more often.

- Comment on every fic I rec. In past years I've put this one as 'comment on every fic I read' or even 'comment on every fic I bookmark' but then I for some reason get big anxiety about it and just fail miserably. I do already kudos every single fic I read, but I am distilling the comment goal down to just ones I rec this year to keep it a bit more manageable.

- Log all the fics I read. By this I mean put them in calibre and note them in my hobonichi so I can do an end of year 2022 reading post. I logged all my published novel reading and comic reading this year, I'd like to add fics next year.

Creative

- Draw for fun again. Being an illustrator has sort of killed my will to draw when I'm not working. I am not going to assign an amount to this and make it a "do it once a week" sort of thing, just... the goal is to start enjoying drawing again. Whatever that happens to look like.

- Pick up oil painting. I used to oil paint a lot, but now all my stuff is digital. I miss it! So this year I am going to get back to doing that sometimes, I think. As a mini-goal under this, I'd like to teach Luna (my daughter) to oil paint as well.

- Try pottery or weaving. I've been thinking about both of these for awhile and they're both pretty spendy to get into so I need to pick one and then do it.

- Put my bracelet crafts on tiktok. Not much to say here. I make bracelets as a de-stressing activity and I think it would be fun to put up little videos of my bracelets when they're done.

Personal

- Read 100 books. I crushed my goal of 52 and left it in the dust in 2021 and I started in July. I think I'll have no problem with this, but I want to have it on here so I keep up my momentum.

- Set up a loose daily routine. 12th year running, let's do thiiiissss. I was looking at my LJ the other day and saw my goal list from 2010 and it had this on it. I am pretty sure every year since has too and I fail it every year. So come on 2022, this is the year. This is the year we stop being a drifting lump of flesh meandering through our days waking up at 3pm.

- Finish up my dental work. I got a great start on this in 2021, but I still have some to go and making appointments and not cancelling them is hard for me.

- Participate in weekly Torah study. I was SO good about this at the beginning of the year last year then just sorta fell off. Maybe I'll tie this in with my day off fandom and take Saturdays off completely and actually go to either in person or zoom Torah discussion.

[recollins]

! HIATUS OVER !

Hello, my precious lil rays of sunshine ❤️

I know it's been a while, and I wanted to start off with saying I'm so sorry for that hiatus. I feel like a broken record at this point always saying this, but I can't even begin to tell you how much your love and support means to me. This is the first time logging back in to everything since January and I am so blown away by all the love you've given me.

Under the cut, I've put a longer explanation for those that want to read it. For those that don't have time to read my ramblings, the brief version is this:

-I'm alright, I just absolutely suck at handling stress (I know, I hide it so well...) and needed to step away from everything for a little bit to get myself back in a better place.

-SLAS will be updated next Monday! I aimed for this Monday but missed the mark and don't wanna rush out a half-assed chapter. But it'll be there for you next week. I promise.

-I have read all your messages here, on AO3, and FF.net. I will be responding to all of them, I promise! It just might take a bit but I promise I'll get to anything I've received.

Again, thank you all so much. I love you guys, I appreciate your patience, and I'm really happy I had all of you to come back to. I hope you're all still invested in Aria's story because I've got so much more to share with you!

❤️, Rea

As mentioned above, my ability to handle stress is absolutely abysmal. My go-to for coping has always been to just shut down and pull away from literally everyone and everything. This time was no exception, and life was just not done dropping everything onto my shoulders and it just got to be too much.

You all pretty much know by now I was in an abusive relationship for 13 years, and I ended that last April (which is what kicked off SLAS). 2020 was ridiculously stressful enough with COVID, and that was sprinkled on top. I bury my emotions (wow, shocker, I know) and had kind of been just pushing aside all I'd gone through because I didn't want to deal with it. The repercussions of that came out when I lost my Grandma and I was in a rough spot. After that brief hiatus, I was trying to convince myself I was alright and I just sort of ignored the signs of distress and depression until they blindsided me. My work has been incredibly stressful, my financial situation is stressful now that I live alone - Colorado is ridiculously expensive for no reason - and I was trying to help my sister and my best friend simultaneously deal with their own depression and stress and everything came together at once. The cherry on top was officially getting diagnosed with ADHD, it's something that had been on the table for a while but now with it official, it all just felt like too much and I retreated.

Social media can be extremely stressful and overwhelming for me and Tumblr is no exception. I love the site - love all of you - but when I'm in that headspace, everything is too much and I didn't want that extra stress on top of everything else. I hadn't written anything since the beginning of January and felt really, really terrible for not updating - then worse for just disappearing - and instead of just taking time to log in and be like 'hey guys I'm not dead I'm just stressed' my mind rationalized that the best thing to do was literally nothing. Like I said, I know I don't cope very well.

In March, I was finally getting ahold of things, and felt a little better. I was getting back into writing, and was getting back on the social media wagon, when I lost my other Grandma suddenly and unexpectedly. My family is about as open with communication as Hotch is, and we don't really tell each other things. Like, my mom was in the hospital for a week with life threatening blood clots and no one told me anything until a week after she'd been released. I found out last year I have two uncles from both sides of my family that I've never heard about. I'm 28. My baby cousin (who's like a brother to me) moved cross-country with his wife and has been living in North Dakota for 2 years, and I found this out not a month ago when they announced she's pregnant. So, it's no surprise no one mentioned that my Grandma had stage four lung cancer and was on the way out, until I got the call that she'd passed away. My gramma, lost in December, had been on the decline for a while and in hospice for a couple months before she passed, so it was hard, but I had time to brace for it. Losing my Grandma in March hit me unexpectedly hard and it had me pulling in once again.

I can say now that I'm doing better. Taking a step back and using the time to get myself in the right headspace has been long-needed, and for the first time in a while I can say I feel like I'm on solid ground again. I'm back at writing and I finally got over the anxiety of just logging in and reading all your comments and messages. It might sound a little odd, but I'd put off logging in for a while because I didn't want to see how much I'd let you all down. I've really, really missed talking to you guys and updating the story. It was really and truly the highlight of my year, and I've felt awful for leaving you all like I did. You guys have been so sweet and understanding. All your messages have assured me you were more concerned about me than the updates, and that touched me more than I can say. I know you've all missed the story too, and I just want to say I'm really sorry for dipping out the way I did.

If you read all of this, bless your heart, because that's a lot and I know I'm ridiculously long-winded with my writing. I really appreciate you sticking around if you've been with me for a while, and if you're new to all of the chaos that is my life, I'm so sorry this is what you came into lol. I promise things are better now and like I said above, I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to writing for you guys again.

I love you all ❤️

[noire-pandora]

About me

I’ve been tagged @kunstpause @dismalzelenka @queen-kass-the-writer @curiousthimble @morganlefaye79 @barbex thank you for the tag, you’re always so nice with me!

1: Why did you choose your url?

Noire comes from a character I used to love as a teenager from an anime that made me cry like an idiot in front of my PC (once, I cried so hard, i got a nosebleed. What can I say, I’m a cry baby). The name of that character is Gauche Suede (from Tagami Bachi) that, after becomes the “villain”, he goes by the name “Noir”. I just added the “e” because “Noir” is the masculine French for the colour black (i hope I’m remembering that right) so the “e” made it feminine. Look, I used to love and study the French language when I made this Tumblr, I had to respect the grammar rules xD.

Pandora comes from Pandora’s box because I consider Tumblr to be a freaking Pandora box. So Noire-Pandora= My Pandora’s box. (Yeah, I was 15 when I made this. So edgy, right?)

2: Any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

I have....too many of them. 

-  noirepersonal is my personal Tumblr where i can reblog all the memes I want without spamming the people following me for Dragon Age. 

-  twcgreen is my Wayhaven Chronicles one but I don’t use it anymore because I’ve noticed the fandom is kinda shitty, to put it mildly. (not everyone, ofc, but the people who stirred up shit in the DA fandom are very vocal in there and I’d rather not deal with them. I’ll yell my love on the TWC discord servers)

-  ina-shep is my Mass Effect one because I had the pressing need to reblog Mass Effect art. 

3: How long have you been on tumblr?

2010.....10 years...no wait....this month marks the 11th year. Since I was 15 years old. Wow, I really haven’t changed that much huh.....

4: Do you have a queue tag?

No. In 11 years, I haven’t got the hang of the queue option. I just log in, reblog everything and log out.😂

5: Why did you start your blog in the first place?

Because I was curious to see what was this Tumblr place everyone spoke about on Yahoo Messenger. xD

6: Why did you choose your icon/pfp?

That's my lovely Elluin made by Tobio Fish on Twitter. I choose her because I'm obsessed with her.

7: Why did you choose your header?

Because I think the dragon age games are neat.

8: What’s your post with the most notes?

This one.....

I made it when I was 15 years old and it's still me. I'm a douchbag friend.

9: How many mutuals do you have?

I don't know how to check that.

10: How many followers do you have?

Before you say something, I want you to remember I had this Tumblr for 11 years and I've been in too many fandoms. And yes, I was this loud in every single one of them. Anyway 3582 but I'm sure only 20 people reblog my stuff.

11: How many people do you follow?

1241 tumblrs. I need to do a following clean up soon.

12: Have you ever made a shitpost?

Nah, I'm not funny enough for that.

13: How often do you use tumblr each day?

I used to spend too many hours on this site. Since I've started writing, not so many.

14: Did you ever have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

Nah, fuck that. I won't fight people here. I've deleted every shitty anon message and blocked every person that tried to start shit with me. I refused to answer to any vague posts made towards me. I don't have the patience and the brain cells to fight.

15: How do you feel about “you need to reblog this” posts?

No one can make me reblog stuff I don't want to reblog. This is my Pandora box and I will do whatever I want with it.

16: Do you like tag games?

Yes, I love them! Please tag me in stuff.

17: Do you like ask games?

Oh yeah, especially when I can yell about my OCs.

18.Do you have a crush on a mutual?

Platonic crushes? Heck yeah. Y'all are too awesome not to like. Romantic ones? Nope.

Tagging: @emerald-amidst-gold @oxygenforthewicked @cleverblackcat @ma-serannas-vhenan @little-lightning-lavellan

@musetta3 @roguelioness @dreadfutures @fandomn00blr @dragonswithjetpacks @sidhelives @potatowitch @best-of-the-vein

No pressure at all. Let me know if you don't want to be tagged anymore or of you want to be tagged more!

[let-it-raines]

your wonder under summer skies (14/18)

Summer in Storybrooke, Maine means one thing for its residents: tourist season. This year, for Emma Swan and Killian Jones, it means relationships ending and friendships changing all the while they attempt to figure out just what their relationship is. It’s somewhere straddling the line between friends and lovers, and there’s no guarantee of a soft landing if they fall into new territory.

Rating: Mature

ao3: beginning | current

tumblr:  1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 

-/-

This place is decidedly more cabin in the woods than Killian was expecting. Well, if the cabin in the woods was a bloody large cabin made for groups of people in Maine looking for a weekend away from their regular lives. When he looked at the link Anna sent him when they were planning this trip, he didn’t look past the specifics of price and how many bedrooms there were.

So when he pulled up and saw the two-story cabin with its wraparound porch and large, floor-to-ceiling windows nestled near a lake, he was a little taken aback. Mostly, though, he doesn’t understand how the owners of this place decided to make every wall wood paneling and for each damn piece of furniture to be made out of a log or pine or something that looks like it’ll put a splinter in his ass when he sits down.

Hell, he’s pretty sure that he’s going to turn the corner and there’s going to be animal heads hanging from the walls.

At least there’s sunshine and clear water and all of the food and alcohol that a man could ask for.

Or, well, that could be asked for by a joint bachelor and bachelorette party that Elsa and Liam wanted, the both of them insisting that they needed a weekend away and that it should be nothing like the beach…so naturally they’re spending it on a lake.

Anna seemed to think it was all a brilliant idea, and since she is so keen on planning things, he figured he’d let her do it instead of getting into arguments over it. Or, well, he might have been distracted when she called to talk about the trip because Emma was on her knees in front of him, and he wasn’t paying attention to anything other than the feel of her.

“Why do I feel like every time I turn a corner, a deer’s antlers or something are going to poke me in the eye?”

Killian chuckles and turns to Emma next to him. She’s got a large duffle bag hanging over her shoulder, and he doesn’t know what she packed, but it must be all of the contents of her closet.

“Because you probably will.”

“Okay,” Anna shouts as everyone keeps walking through the front door, chatting and dragging in suitcases and looking around, “I have had all of the bedrooms labeled. Elsa and Liam get the master, obviously. Mary Margaret and David have bedroom one on the first floor, and Kris and I will take bedroom two, which shares that bathroom. Will and Belle, bedroom three, which is at the end of the hall just down that way. Ariel and Eric, you have bedroom four, which is right at the top of the stairs and will share a bathroom with Ruby and Mulan’s room, which is bedroom five. The final room is, like, basically the attic. Emma and Killian, you guys get that one. It may or may not be the kids’ room, so don’t be surprised if there are bunk beds up there.”

“You’ve got to be shitting me,” Killian mutters. “Bunk beds? We’re twenty-eight. We don’t get our own regular beds?”

“Do any of the couples here want to give up their private rooms with big beds to go sleep in the attic in bunk beds so that Killian can have a queen mattress?” “For fuck’s sake,” Killian laughs, rolling his eyes at Anna, “the beds are fine. I simply wasn’t aware Emma and I were going to be punished for not having significant others.”

“Yeah,” Emma joins in, “we should get compensated in, like, first choice of food tonight.” “I think Elsa and I get that,” Liam says. “You two will be fine. I’m sure the beds will be comfortable, but Emma, lass, as someone who lives with Killian, you might want earplugs. He snores.”

“Liar.”

Liam shrugs, bright smile on his face. “Have some mercy on the poor girl, Killian. Try not to be too loud.”

Killian opens his mouth to keep protesting, but then he snaps it shut. There’s no point. He doesn’t snore, and Emma knows that. Why should he care if everyone else thinks he snores? He’s sure that half of the people in this room do anyways.

This is Liam’s weekend.

If he reminds himself that enough, maybe he won’t try to pick at everything Liam says and does, and they can all have a good time like they’re supposed to.

Even if he does have to sleep in a damn bunk bed.

Emma elbows his side. “I have ear plugs, but that was mostly because I was scared I’d have to sleep next to David and Mary Margaret.”

“Please don’t put that image in my head.”

“We’re in a cabin full of couples, KJ. How is the image not in your head?”

Killian groans and tilts his head back, and Emma laughs, nudging him again before adjusting her bag on her shoulder. “Come on. Let’s go put our stuff up. My legs are stiff from the drive, and I’m ready to go hiking.”

“Oh, that reminds me,” Anna squeals, “I have sunscreen and bug spray for everyone who forgot it. I’ll leave it in the kitchen. Let’s all meet up in half an hour, okay?”

“Anna is…very organized,” Emma sighs as everyone begins walking in different directions looking for their bedrooms. “I feel like she’s a very intense version of Mary Margaret.” “That’s exactly who she is,” Elsa laughs, walking next to Emma up the stairs, which leads them to a hallway with more wood paneling and more large, paneled windows. There are no animal heads yet, though, so Killian would count that as a win. “I think she wants everything to be so perfect for me that she’s taking it overboard. Plus, she’s used to working with all of these extravagant people, so this is kind of out of her wheelhouse. You’re just lucky my cousins couldn’t come this weekend, because that would make it even worse.”

“She’s doing a great job. With this and the wedding. I mean, the wood paneling here is a little much, but this is beautiful.” “Hey, I could have helped plan this,” Killian protests.

Liam, Elsa, and Emma all laugh at him.

“What?”

“If I was a betting man, I’d say the only thing you planned was the food and the alcohol.”

“And to that,” Killian laughs, “I’d say you were right. If I had gotten my say, I would have found a place with one more bedroom so that Emma and I weren’t sleeping in bunk beds while everyone else got normal rooms.”

“I mean, technically,” Elsa says, “I think there’s another bed in David and Mary Margaret’s room, but I think you two might be safer upstairs.”

They get to the end of the hallway where the master bedroom is, and Elsa and Liam tell them that they’ll see them in a few minutes before walking inside while he and Emma turn to find the spiral staircase that leads up to the attic. It’s beautiful, but it’s not exactly convenient when carrying luggage, but he and Emma manage to get their stuff upstairs without any kind of disaster.

“Those stairs would be horrible if you’re drunk. I feel dizzy just getting up here.”

“Aye,” he sighs, dropping his bag and looking around the room.

It’s small, just a set of chairs, a dresser with a television, and then, indeed, a set of bunk beds covered in red plaid bedding. In the center of the room is a round window, and when Killian looks out it, he has a direct view of the lake and all of the surrounding hills and trees.

He imagines none of the other rooms have a view like that.

“Wow,” Emma whistles, “a view like that will almost make you think the lake is better than the beach.”

“Never,” he laughs, looking at her to his side. “I like my salt water and my sand too much to ever give it up, but it is stunning.”

“I can’t wait to get to explore it. It’s so damn nice not to be working this weekend. I haven’t had an actual, multiple-day break in months, and I’m taking full advantage of it.”

Killian nods as he keeps looking out the window. He sees two people walk out onto the deck, and he believes it’s Ruby and Mulan. It’s hard to tell from here, but then one of them walks a little further out and he recognizes Ruby’s red shirt. They must be ready to go already. He needs to change into a different pair of shoes.

Turning around, Killian moves to grab his bag only to see the last seconds of Emma pulling down a sports bra. She’s in nothing but a pair of black shorts and a white sports bra, and dammit if she doesn’t drive him mad like this.

He’s grown to know the curves of her body more intimately than he ever thought he would, and that’s how he knows that she’s been running more this summer and that places where she was once soft are the slightest bit more firm and how he knows the way her skin has changed from a creamy white to a shade or two darker, all of her freckles showing up more and more.

It’s how he knows that if that’s all she’s wearing today, he’s going to struggle holding it together in front of all of their friends.

He doesn’t know what to do when it comes to Emma any longer.

He wants her all the damn time, but his traitorous mind keeps telling him that he wants her in a way that he hasn’t had her: where there are no rules or implications or anything even closely relating to the friends with benefits situation they’ve got going on.

Where Killian can get it out of his mind that Emma kisses him in greeting now, how she intertwines their fingers, how she finds a way to touch him even when they’re not alone. It’s subconscious, he thinks. She’s not doing it on purpose, not seeking him out like she would a boyfriend, but it’s still happening.

(It matters not he is also guilty of doing the same things.)

It’s messing with his mind, with his heart, with everything.

And all he knows is that he feels like he’s betraying her because what Killian feels for Emma is far more than friendship, and he has no idea how to deal with that without mucking it up.

Especially because he can’t seem to stop being with her.

Their first rule was to keep the friendship at the center of everything, to make sure that neither of them messed it up, and the more time that passes, the more time that he thinks he’s barreling them toward disaster.

But he can’t stop.

“You gonna just keep staring at me like that?” Emma teases as she ties a jacket around her hips.

“I don’t believe I was staring.”

She chuckles and saunters toward him until she’s standing toe to toe with him. Killian glances away from her face, but that only leads his gaze toward the top of her breasts and the freckle that seems to be calling him.

Not now, not now, not now.

“Oh, you definitely were.” Emma presses up on her toes and runs her lips across his jaw. God, this is another one of the things about her that drives him mad, and he has to focus all of his attention on his breathing to keep himself from becoming too aroused. “Later,” she whispers. “I really do want to go on this hike, and I’m not going to let you distract me, Jones.” “I thought you were the one distracting me.”

“Eh, it goes both ways.”

And then she’s pulling away with this bright, kind smile on her face, and he has no idea how she can go from seductive to friendly all within the span of five minutes.

“See you downstairs. I need to get Ruby to braid my hair, so I’m going to go ahead and go.”

“She’s out on the deck with Mulan.”

Emma nods, grabs her phone, and then walks out the door.

This weekend is going to be bloody torturous.

-/-

If Killian had to guess, he would say that David and Liam have gotten them lost somewhere in the middle of the woods despite the fact that they’re all following a trail.

Or, well, supposed to be following a trail.

At one point, Anna and Elsa got distracted by this flower bush, and once they veered off the path to look at it, wondering if they could get Elsa’s florist to change her bouquet arrangement, they all started veering on and off the path, especially since there are twelve of them out here on a trail that really only allows two people to walk side by side.

If someone had brought alcohol on the hike, he imagines at least half the group would be lying dead in a ditch by now.

Honestly, Will usually has a flask on him, but as far as Killian knows, he hasn’t pulled it out yet.

Damn.

Killian ignores David and Liam arguing and keeps looking ahead. Emma and Mary Margaret are directly in front of him, now leading the group, and he tries to focus on the ground instead of the way Emma’s ass is nearly on display from the way her shorts are riding up. She hasn’t paid him much attention since they started the hike, and he’s never been so thankful to be left alone, if only for a little while.

He hasn’t been able to run all week, and this is exactly what he needed, even if the quietness of nature is cancelled out by everyone talking.

“I’m not kidding,” Ruby chuckles. “It’s awful. I mean, I get it, these are teenagers who are getting away from their parents for a little while, but do they have to make out in booths that I have to clean? There are so many places they could go, places where I don’t have to look at them while I’m trying to do my job.”

“We’ve made out in those booths.”

“That’s different, and you know it.” “Why? Because you’re the one who is getting a little action?”

“Exactly.”

“Granny’s is a fucking popular make out spot,” Will adds in. “There’s the hallway that connects to the B and B, which has seen more action than Killian has all summer.”

“Oi,” Killian scoffs, turning around to stare Will down, “mind your own bloody business.”

“Sorry, mate. I couldn’t resist.”

“You know who I keep seeing there?” Will continues. “Neal Cassidy. I know he’s dating Tamara, but damn, you’d think they could go to one of their places every once in awhile.”

Killian cringes, nearly faltering in his step, and he finally looks up to Emma, who is simply continuing to walk.

Good. That’s good.

She told him that she was over Neal, that she’s letting it go, but you don’t love someone for that long and have them break your heart and not be affected when someone is talking about them.

“Will, shut up,” Belle hisses.

“Why do I need to – oh fuck,” he mutters. “I’m sorry, Emma. Please ignore me and that bloody wanker.”

“It’s fine,” Emma shouts back, not turning around. “Neal has nothing to do with me anymore. He can do what he wants as long as I don’t have to look at him while I’m eating my onion rings.”

“I’d never make you do that,” Ruby tells her. “I’ll kick him out.”

“Can you even do that?”

“Eh, I can try.”

“Look,” David interrupts, and they all stop to stare where he’s pointing. “There’s that damn split tree. That’s where we were supposed to be going.”

“How do you even know that?” Liam grumbles.

“Because I noticed it on the way up. We’ve been here before, so it we turn that way, it should take us back to the house.”

“Can’t we use our phones to check where we are?” Killian asks only to have both Liam and David glare at him. “Okay, okay,” he backtracks, holding his hands up, “I guess we’re not using technology to make our lives easier.”

By the time they’re back at the house, Killian’s skin has been kissed by the sun, his feet ache, and his stomach is growling with hunger. He could really go for a nap, but Kris offers to cook burgers for everyone down by the lake, so everyone grabs their swimsuits and some drinks and heads down to where the grill is.

Killian settles into one of the lounge chairs that’s set up down there, a bottle of water in hand, and leans back, wondering if napping outside would be possible, but then Liam starts blaring music over some speakers and he knows the nap is never going to happen.

“Hey,” Emma says as she plops down in the chair next to him, “why do you look like you’re about to fall asleep?”

“Because I desperately want to.”

“How are you tired?”

“Because, unlike someone, I drove us up here and could not nap in the car.”

Emma shrugs and curls her legs up in the chair before taking a long sip of her water.  “You make a good point, KJ. Do you think I’d get my hand slapped away if I went and got the bag of barbecue chips off the table before all the other food was ready?”

“Depends on if the picnic table guardian is looking over it or not.” Emma laughs and leans forward, looking over at the table. “David seems to be occupied staring at the grill being all macho man with Kris. I’ll be right back.”

And then she’s jogging over to the table, slowing down right before she gets there, and then grabbing the big bag of barbecue crisps before springing back over to him and sitting back down in her seat, dropping the crisps between them. David looks over at them, and Killian swears that he sees his eyes narrow, like he knows Emma took the crisps off the table.

“Sneaky, love.”

“I try. I don’t know why he does that at any event. It’s like he gets some weird high off of making sure no one gets too food, but the worst part is definitely the fact that he watches to see if people throw any uneaten food away.”

“It is rather odd, isn’t it?”

“It’s the worst is what it is.”

She leans over between them and opens the bag, grabbing a crisp and taking what he swears is the loudest bite in existence. David is likely about to look over at them and give them hell for it. The man is going to make a great father one day.

If only because he can monitor food better than anyone else in existence.

Killian leans back in his chair and settles down into it, closing his eyes. He stretches out his arm, his hand laying against the arm of the chair, and after a few moments of relative silence, he feels Emma’s fingers tracing over his forearm in soothing patterns that have a shiver running down his spin and settling in his stomach.

It feels so natural for her to do this, for him to let her do this, and he should stop it.

But he can’t, not now.

Soon. He’ll figure it out.

Soon.

“I’ve always liked this tattoo the best.”

“Hmm?”

“Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.” She traces the words inked into his skin as she says them out loud. “I don’t know. I just feel like it’s so fitting to have them mixed in with your scars.”

Killian fights with himself to keep his eyes closed, to keep himself from looking into Emma’s eyes. Not a lot of people get such unfiltered access to his scars, and yet here she is in the open tracing them and talking about them and yet again making him feel like maybe they’re not too bad.

“I mean,” she continues, “I like all of your tattoos. They always make me want to get more than my buttercup, but I really like this one.”

“Aye,” he sighs, deciding that just for today, he can let everything be. This is a good moment, and he’s not going to let his mind ruin it. Instead he’ll let Emma run her fingers over his hand and let her hold onto him for a few moments. “I am fond of that one as well. I am also fond of yours, though it is rather small.”

“What? Do you want me to get a giant one?”

“You should get one that covers your entire back.” “Shut up,” Emma laughs, digging her nails into him. “I am obviously not doing that. I don’t know what I’ll do, or if I ever will. I think I’ll just stick to liking yours.”

“I like that plan. Do you think if I eat a crisp that David will hear it?”

“He hasn’t noticed me yet.” “Ah, but you have better luck than me.” “Guess you’ll have to try your luck to see.”

Killian slowly opens one eye, then the next, before moving his arm away to reach into the bag. He takes one bite, eyeing David who still has his back turned, before eating a few more. He thinks that maybe he’ll get away with it until David turns around.

“Jones, put the damn chips back on the table before I burn your food.”

“Sorry,” Emma says to him, shrugging, but he can tell that she’s not sorry at all.

“I think I’ll survive, love.”

When the food is finished cooking, everyone settles around tables and in chairs, eating and drinking and laughing. And it’s nice, a nicer time than Killian has had in awhile if he’s honest with himself. But then the night falls, crickets finding their places in the surrounding trees and a breeze wafting through the campground, causing a chill to travel down his spine as his skin pebbles with goosebumps.

There is a fire going, though, and plenty of alcohol being passed around to warm him, but really, the alcohol might not be the best idea right now, especially since Mary Margaret and Ruby tend to like to play games when they’re halfway to drunk.

Mary Margaret said something about how they needed to play a shower game. It was tradition, but Elsa and Liam hadn’t wanted that. Then Ruby stood up from the bench she was sitting on and declared that they would play Truth or Dare like the grown adults they are. They love their games, though, and, well, Ruby does know how to turn the game into something that is rather more adult than what he played when he was a lad. This is nothing new. They tend to do this at every party they have, but he never knows if it’s going to be tame or not.

So far Elsa has had to share some intimate details about the first time she slept with Liam, which Killian truly did not need to hear about, Liam has chugged down half a bottle of ketchup, Will has jumped into the lake, Mary Margaret has had to answer what the one thing she’d change about David would be, which resulted in a hushed argument, and Ruby has run to the neighboring house and asked them for condoms.

She came back with an entire box.

So, now it’s Ruby scanning the semi-circle they’re sitting in looking for her next victim, because, really, of all the people here, the last person he’d want to have pick out whatever form of torture this is would be Ruby Lucas.

His one glass of rum has not numbed him enough for this.

“Emma,” Ruby finally says, and Killian swears he hears half the group let out sighs of relief.

“I hate you,” Emma mutters, flipping Ruby off.

“Oh, no you don’t. You love me, and I’m going to be really nice to you by telling you that if you pick ‘truth,’ I’m going to ask you about the guy who gave you that hickey last week.”

Killian’s cheeks immediately heat, and he swallows, pushing the thought down. He hadn’t meant to do that. It had been an accident because they are not teenagers and don’t usually leave marks, and he didn’t even know it happened until Emma had sent him a picture the next day.

Shit.

At least Emma’s a damn good liar since it’s not like anyone is actually forcing them to do this.

It’s the spirit of it all.

“Dare, you asshole.”

There are a few whistles from around the group, and Killian already knows there are going to be a few follow-up questions to Ruby’s words later.

“I dare you to…kiss Jones. Killian, not Liam. And none of that on the cheek shit. You two have so much chemistry, and I need to see it. I feel like everyone here needs to see it.”

“Oh my God,” he hears Emma murmur next to him at the same time that he has that exact thought. The whistles increase, some hollering too, and he swears that everyone here but he, Emma, and David are drunk off their asses. “Ruby, no. Pick something else. Like, something normal that non-tipsy you would pick.” “You chose ‘dare.’”

“Because you were going to ask me something I didn’t want to talk about. I don’t want to kiss Killian.” She turns back to him and winces. “No offense.”

“None taken,” he mumbles, knowing she’s trying to save face.

“Why not? He’s super hot. I mean, I know you think he’s hot. You’ve said it before, and you guys kind of have that ‘will they, won’t they’ thing going on, which I have been saying all summer. We actually have all talked about getting a betting pool as to when you’ll finally get together, especially since you and the dumbass are no longer a thing. So, come on, it won’t be that bad. You’ve got to uphold the integrity of truth or dare.”

Emma’s lips part, and Killian knows she has a retort on her tongue. She always does.

But then she’s turning and leaning over her chair until she’s grabbing the collar of his t-shirt and pulling his mouth to hers.

Fuck.

Her lips press into his, soft and warm as they always are, but it takes him a minute to fully close his eyes and appreciate how she feels against him. Eyes are on them, whistles ringing out around the group, and Killian swears he sees flashes of camera lights as Emma sucks on his bottom lip and his hands thread into her hair, pulling her closer.

And for one, miniscule second, he forgets about the people around him and the warring thoughts he’s been fighting for weeks now, and he lets himself revel in how damn good it feels to kiss Emma Swan.

But then it’s over.

They part, gasping for breath, and Killian’s grip tightens on the back of Emma’s head as her forehead rests warmly against his.

Strangely, all he can focus on is the fact that she smells like sunscreen.

“Well, hot damn,” Ruby sighs, and Killian finally drops his hand from Emma’s hair, “I feel like I need a glass of water now. Anyone else?”

There’s a murmur of voices, but Killian ignores them, focusing on the way Emma is blinking at him with a smirk painted on her lips. “That wasn’t too bad, was it?” “No, that wasn’t bad at all.”

“Emma, it’s your turn,” Ruby reminds her. “Feel free to do your worst to me.”

“Trust me, I plan to.”

In the blink of an eye, things go back to normal. The attention is back on the game, not on him, not on Emma, and no one says anything else about the kiss.

Apparently everyone cares about it a lot less than he thought they would.

But it was all part of a game. It wasn’t real.

None of it has been.

And he has no idea how much longer he’s going to be okay with that. He also has no idea how he could make any of it real, even if Emma wanted that, because he’s got no fucking clue how to do this.

His brain doesn’t seem to be conjuring up any ideas either.

Shit.

Eventually, the game dies down, everyone quieting and forming their own circles and conversations, and while Killian tries to stay for a little while, when the opportunity to sneak out and go to bed presents itself, he takes it.

-/-

-/-

tag list: @qualitycoffeethings​ @mrtinski​ @klynn-stormz​ @scarletslippers​ @jonirobinson64​ @snowbellewells​ @therealstartraveller776​ @thejollyroger-writer​ @sherifemma​ @galadriel26​ @galaxyzxstark​ @idristardis​ @karenfrommisthaven​ @teamhook​ @spartanguard​ @searchingwardrobes​ @jamif​ @shireness-says​ @ultimiflos​ @nikkiemms​ @resident-of-storybrooke​ @onepunintendid​ @bluewildcatfanatic​ @superchocovian​ @killianswannn​ @carpedzem​ @captainkillianswanjones​ @mayquita​ @mariakov81​ @jennjenn615​ @onceuponaprincessworld​ @a-faekindagirl​ @scientificapricot​ @xellewoods​ @ultraluckycatnd​ @stahlop​ @kmomof4​ @tiganasummertree​ @singersdd​ @tornadoamy​ @cluttermind​ @lfh1226-linda​ @andiirivera​ @elizabeethan​ @captain-emmajones​ @csalltheway​ @itsfabianadocarmo​

[wonhaemonymony]

Please Read

Hello!

I have no idea how you have stumbled upon this crack-den-esque account but welcome! A few notices first:

This account’s former name is bangtan-sodonedamn

I am the authentic WonhaeMonyMony from Wattpad

No, I did not die, Wattpad just hates my guts

I absolutely hate tumblr’s formatting and I have no idea if I will stay here permanently

Wow, okay, hello. Tis me, Sky/Author/whatever you wanna call me bc idrc. I am finally back and up and running and a semi-working writing machine once more! I am, unfortunately, coming out of an almost 2 year long writing block, so it’s gonna take a while to get back up on my feet. To be honest, I’m really only writing this on the slim chance one of my 1k wattpad followers moved to this hellsite and got curious to see if I existed here. I do! Well, now, at least. I wanted to explain my story, and hopefully start to rebuild my little writing haven I started when u was 17. So buckle up, baby, this is a SaD story.

SO

Once upon a time in a bedroom yours truly lives in, all things were good. The God of All Fanfiction humble Sky was but a mere author, enjoying life. Okay enough with the fantasy-style. So what happened was just under 2 years ago, literally around this time, my granddad unfortunately began the last stages of his life. For the prior 3 years up until this point in 2019, he has been battling advanced cancer and in October 2019, things got really, really bad. It spread to his spine and he became paralysed, and was sent home to die. He passed away in December. This time was just... really hard for me as you can imagine, and if you do remember me, you will know how close I was to him and my grandma. Six weeks after my granddad passed away, so did my grandma and everything kinda fell apart for me. I went into a kind of frenzy after my granddad passed and wrote 30 chapters of a now unfinished Dracula fanfiction in like a week. After that, the choo choo train of author motivation derailed and disappeared down a canyon in my brain. I had my Wattpad, and I interacted a LOT with my moots and followers, I luckily wrote a new fanfic prior to the train wreck that I would upload there frequently. During this time, I met somebody irl who basically stole all of my attention because they made me feel good, and I kinda slowed down with the writing.

And then one day, in the middle of summer 2020, the worst thing happened obviously not as bad as the deaths but it was the final straw for me. Wattpad took my account down. I hadn’t logged in for a few days because we were in the middle of the panini and I was a key worker doing like 40hrs a week at work, so waking up to messages from people like “why have you deleted your Wattpad” literally almost sent me into a stroke. Wattpad, inexplicably deleted my entire account for “underage” (that is a direct quote. They used one word to sum up why I got terminated AND I WAS AN ADULT). I spent MONTHS trying to fight it and got stuck in a loop of automated messages and I gave up. Everything I had worked on for the 3 years prior was gone. Literally millions of reads gone. I have several books that I wrote that I have no way of ever recovering because of Wattpad and it destroyed me. I haven’t written anything since. Wattpad deleting my account for seemingly no reason curb-stomped my love and passion for writing. Up until that point, I had been writing for seven whole years (first few on DeviantART and I had a different Wattpad that I used before WMM), I had spent a long time perfecting my style and I was crestfallen to say the least. I lost all of my motivation, and finally had the depressive episode that had been brewing since my grandma’s passing. I lost the irl who stole my attention, I lost my soulmate due to his shitty life choices, and I lost the only boy I ever loved because evidently his new friends meant more to him than his 4lifers and I lost a lot of other friends on top of those 3 who couldn’t bear watching me as low as I was. It was... rough to say the least, and I’m actually surprised I’m still alive, but hey ho, I am here. It was only about a month ago that I finally came out of it and started to rebuild my life. Things are definitely not great BUT I have already started to get the itch for writing. I’m struggling to actually write it, but I always think and plan on the stories I had ready to write before Wattpad essentially ruined my life. I’ve been slowly warming up to my only passion and the only thing I’m actually good at.

Sad stuff aside, I seriously think I can commit to this again like I did back in 2017 when I wrote Daddy and I was uploading like once or twice a week. For now, I haven’t decided if I want to commit to the prologue of that book, or rewrite my Jimin fanfic, so I am going to start by uploading Daddy to this platform (as I actually wasn’t stupid enough to not save that one). Big warning if you do intend to stay and read it - Daddy is the epitome of shitty Wattpad fanfiction. It’s a mafia boss fanfic that I thought was edgy, and while it does have some great moments that I still love to this day, it’s not my finest piece so please don’t judge me too harshly for it (I was only 17 back them, give a girl a break).

Anywho, if you have made it this far, well done, please take a complimentary cookie. I don’t really have too much to say now other than if you have read this far, I truly hope you stick around. I have some other fics on offer to showcase my writing I guess, and I have my nsfw account ( @not-safe-for-bts ) so you can preview my smut if you’re into that. It might take me some time to get into the swing of things (especially this week since I have 4 huge lectures to get through and a wedding to attend) so please bear with me.

Thank you for reading, I hope we meet again soon

~Sky

[allypacino]

I always log off when I see discourse about parasocial relationships because I feel a lot of the discussion on here lacks nuance and it quickly divulges into people mud slinging and getting onto their high horses. Also no offense to others on here but as a black woman in fandom (particularly this one), racism (both in show and in fandom) has always been more concerning to me and it does hurt that it rarely gets addressed (like I hear about parasocial relationships every other week but I'm lucky if people here ever discuss racism even once a month). It's like wow white people can post essays and link videos about parasocial relationships but can barely put together a sentence about racism

I agree with what you say so much, as a poc I think that the spn fandom more than anything has made me realise how racist the fandom environment is and always has been. like for example when the cw campaign happened most people were talking about destiel not going canon as homophobic? ignoring castiel is erasure for sure but the cw had so much more concerning behaviour, like when the Black writer for superman and lois was fired after calling out racism and sexism in the writers’ room. I think that the show itself centers whiteness with such thoughtless ease that it makes it easy for the audience to not even concern themselves with any race issues at all.  

I don’t know about the current spn demographic but I’m going to assume that while the fandom has more poc than before, it’s still predominantly white. and the post-nov 5 makeup of the fandom in particular are especially like, very young and the internet has changed so that media consumption is less about self-indulgence but interrogating the meaning and context (which is fantastic). this means that parasocial relationships are easier for white people to talk about because it affects them, and it’s exacerbated by the fact that internet communities favour the memetic type of content that’s repeated and repackaged again and again. parasocial relationships are very common experiences in everyone’s life, and is mostly benign. racism is also experienced by many people but not everyone, and it’s always deeply traumatic and harmful. i think a lot of white people are uncomfortable to talk about race. i would love to see more discussions around racism in the fandom beyond a glib remark or two when backing up statements about spn’s homophobia, bc racism is the most severe issue in spn without a doubt. 

i will say that part of my wariness when talking about parasocial relationships (and in particular, the nature of spn conventions) comes from the fact that as a poc i do not believe that these are safe spaces for us. there’s a specific tone in these environments which i find hard to describe - it’s like, in order to levy criticism and/or adoration we must offer up personal trauma, expose the abjection we experience etc. and i think it’s a much more validating experience for people who’re seen as “normal” by society who can come in here and be like no i actually experience so-and-so!!! like to be queer or neurodivergent, to a certain extent, means that there’s erasure and invalidation and the internet is built in a way to let people validate themselves by having that be their visible identity in bios and usernames etc. meanwhile it’s far less validating for poc whose identity is already 100% visible just from our faces and skin colour in real life, and it’s a different kind of discrimination, and i think that’s why some poc don't like doing it as much. 

(i love talking about race with my irls or on twitter but i always feel like i cannot do it on tumblr bc i always feel like spn tumblr is such a distinctly vulnerable place for white queer people and I'm infringing on their property lmao. which is a wild belief i have but i can't shake it away)

in the end i think it’s a very smart choice to disengage with unnecessary discourse, and thanks for this very good ask <3. sorry for using it to ramble for so long lol. to summarise i do think that the spn fandom has racism problems and i do understand people’s different reactions to it. i’d like more discussions about race. as for parasocial relationships - nothing wrong with it inherently unless it’s affecting your life negatively tbh. i’d like to see more nuance and more well thought out discussions about this though, i’m not very well versed in it. 

[cravingmarvel]

Apartment - Epilogue

Pairing: Sebastian Stan x Fem!Reader Warnings: Swearing, a little angst, sarcasm as always Summary:  You just moved from Germany to New York, working as an editor at a newspaper. So what happens when you find out your favourite actor lives in the apartment across from yours? And how will people react when you share your story on your Blog dedicated to him? What will you make of this situation? A/N: Wow here we are... the last of the last... I can’t believe that after 2 YEARS I managed to finish this series completely... I apologize for the time it took, but I just had no idea how to write it and in retrospect.. I’m glad I waited this long. A HUGE thank you to @buckisthatyou​ for helping me with this!!! I love you!!! 

Anyway... I hope you guys love this as much as I loved writing this and I’ll see you at the end of the chapter :)

MASTERLIST

Apartment – Epilogue

I carried the last of my boxes up the stairs, weighted down a little by the contents of it. This one got lost on its way here and I’ve been desperately trying not to cry over it. It’s been almost three months since Sebastian and I moved in together, but this little fucker had to get lost.

As I pushed the door open with my shoulder the light that flooded into the room filled me with butterflies. Just seeing the living room full of life and personality put the biggest smile on my face. I placed the box next to the bookshelf and started to unpack the books inside. I moved some of the cacti out of the way, they are definitely taking over the place.

I felt a hand on my hip and jumped slightly.

“Hey, how’s it coming along?” I turned to see Sebastian.

“Very nicely, but I do think we need to calm down about the cacti.” I pouted and he kissed my cheek.

“Hm, maybe.” I caught the cheeky smile as he walked away.

The move was easy, finding an apartment wasn’t. We came across a beautiful, two-story apartment in the heart of Manhattan that was pretty close to my new workplace. After my move back to New York, we went straight to looking for a place to share. He said he wanted it to be right in the heart of the city, but close enough to central park so our future kids could enjoy some greenery.

I laughed at him, but the thought still filled me with butterflies.  I was excited to share my life with him, even if that came with a price. Some people just didn’t like seeing him with me on his arm and they made a point in showing it. Just a few weeks after I came back, we made an appearance at some award show, the photos I was tagged in on Instagram were mostly nice, but a lot weren’t so. My dress was too tight, my hair done terribly, and I felt worse because I made those choices. It was me to blame.

Despite the weight I felt from those comments, I knew I could step away from it whenever I pleased. I don’t have to put up with it. No one does.

With the shelve decorated to my liking, the apartment was almost finished, there were a few pictures that I wanted to hang on the walls, but that could wait.

 Two Years Later

 “We’re having spaghetti tonight.” Sebastian called from the kitchen; he knew I’d love it. (The spaghetti, not him calling from the kitchen.)

The chill of the night falling over New York put me in the mood to get comfy. I climbed up the stairs to our shared bedroom, crossing the room to the closet. I decided to change into my pyjamas, a decision I did not regret as I felt the soft fabric on my skin. I investigated the mirror to admire my husky onesie. I look cosy as fuck and I feel cosy as fuck.

The table hasn’t been set when I came down to the dining room and Sebastian noticed my confusion. “We’re having dinner outside if you don’t mind.” He filled to plates with food and gave me a quick kiss as he walked towards the balcony. I followed him out to discover the table beautifully set with flowers and fairy lights.

“Oh wow. This is so fancy.” I said while sitting down opposite Sebastian.

“Thank you, I actually put a lot of effort into this. By the way, cute outfit.” I looked down to the fluffiness that I was wearing and in the reflection of the glass next to me, I could see how weird I looked. “Yeah thanks.”

The husky and the Prince.

We soon devoured our food and just sat and laughed while drinking an alarming amount of wine. New York has never looked so pretty; this might just be because Sebastian is the foreground of the scenery in front of me.

Suddenly, Sebastian stood up from his seat. His face lit up with a smile on his face as he slowly went down on one knee. I was just about to register what was happening, my jaw slightly dropping.

“Y/n.” Sebastian held my hand in his, a red velvet box in the other. “I never knew this day would come so soon. I always thought I’d be fifty years old, still looking for the woman who I’m going to marry. And then you came along. Standing at my door with your ridiculous robe.”

I chucked, tears swelling up in my eyes.

“So, will you, Y/n, do me the honour and marry me?”

I stared at him, the tears now rolling down my face. “Yes.” I breathed out.

He slipped the ring on my finger, a diamond reflecting a million rainbows in the light of the sunset, hovering on the horizon of New York. And it dawned on me.

I just got engaged to Sebastian Stan, and I’m wearing a husky onesie.

 -

 Sebastian decided it would be good for me and his sanity to hire a wedding planner, even though I told him I could handle it on my own. I hate having someone else step on my toes and interfere with my plans but listened to him anyway and hired someone who could help me organize the day and everything around it.

While I still had a whole month to prepare the final details, I was sure we covered everything necessary that involved the venue, decorations, dress and every other detail I could think of.

I shuffled my shoes from my feet and walked over to the kitchen making myself a nice cup of coffee. I got a text from Sebastian telling me that he’ll be home by eleven, filming dragged on until then unfortunately, but it gave me some quiet time to get back to going through my planner trying to catch any mistakes I made.

I’ve never really been one to dream of the perfect wedding, but since starting this project of mine, I felt my need for perfectionism take over.

I grabbed the little folder, my laptop and my phone walking to the couch. I snuggled into a blanket, putting my mug on the coffee table. After a few hours of flipping through pages and finding no mistakes at all, which was usually the case, I grabbed my phone, my thumb hovering over the Tumblr icon. I hesitantly tapped it logging into my account.

A thing I occasionally did was search my own name. I know I shouldn’t, but something vile within me couldn’t stay away from the opinions of others, strangers, online. I scrolled through endless amounts of posts about myself, cringing and cry laughing at some of the posts. The memes were the best part about it, some people were just too funny. I came across some fanfiction about me… yes fanfiction… about me, skimming over the words. They weren’t bad… it was just a little strange reading it myself, but who am I to judge? I wrote fanfiction about the same man I am engaged to once a few moons ago. Ok more like a year ago, but my point still stands. I can’t judge.

But all fun had to come to an end when I stumbled upon posts about me that just weren’t so nice to look at. Some poking fun at my body, the way it looked in a certain outfit I wore while I was out with Sebastian, some straight up telling me how old I looked and some saying that I’m just not the right fit for him. I couldn’t say they hurt, but a little part of me, the very insecure one, believed them. But something I haven’t come across yet popped up right after all that was a post about me being a fan.

I was slightly intrigued, pondering in my head whether I wanted to read it or not. I could shut my phone off right now, I could step away from this and breathe, but something pulled me in, sucked me right in.

I couldn’t say the post was disgusting nor was it far away from the truth the further I read. The person articulating themselves very well. My stomach turned and twisted.

-I’m just asking myself how she fell in love with Sebastian? How can she know for sure that what she feels for him is actually love? If I got together with him, I would ask myself this. Even if it hurts, I would still question my feelings towards him. Is it actually love, or just the fan inside writing its own fanfiction? And let’s take this even further, they’re getting married… what if she realizes that after all, what she was feeling wasn’t love, it was just the fangirl inside, fulfilling her own fanfiction?-

What if… I’m not in love, but rather satisfying the fangirl within me.

 -

 I awoke to the soft morning light peeking through the white thin curtains, a weight on my middle pulling me closer to the body laying next to me. Sebastian laid on his stomach, his arm draped over my back, his hand gripping my waist as he exhaled deeply. He was in a deep slumber, but still keeping me at his side which made it impossible to move away from him.

I worked hard on removing his arm from my body to climb off of the bed, looking back at Sebastian as he shifted in the bed, rolling over to his back. I walked over to the bathroom connected to the bedroom to proceed my morning routine. I took off my baggy shirt and underwear, stepping into the shower to wash off the sweat of the night. Sebastian surely knows how to keep me up to a time where I should be sleeping.

I felt my muscles relax under the warm water, my hands gently massaging my body with fruit scented soap.

I left the shower, wrapping a towel around me, to turn my attention to my skincare routine, washing my face, putting on my serum and moisturizing my face. The door opened to Sebastian walking in, hugging me from behind, kissing my shoulder.

“Good morning, love.” He said, sleep sill in his voice. Sebastian stepped into the shower and I changed back into the comfortable shirt.

I made breakfast for the both of us before I had to get to work, Sebastian had a day off and I envied him for it.

We ate breakfast and I headed to work, but not before Sebastian pulled me into his arms, kissing me passionately. He took my left hand admiring the diamond ring on my finger. “I love you.” He said and I was out the door.

I arrived at work, dropping my bag on the desk, since the summer holidays were on their way, so are the people wanting to get away with their children and spouses alike. I turned my computer on preparing myself for the eight hours of recommending hotels, flights and things to do at their destination.

My boss, Linda, walked up to me an apologetic look on her face. I braced myself for what’s to come.

“Good morning, Y/n.” She sat down in front of my desk, a sandwich on a plate on her lap.

“Morning. What’s on the menu for today? Anything special?”

Linda laughed, dropping her head. “Y/n, I have to ask a favour. I know your wedding and honeymoon are on their way, but there was an incident. By the way, how’s the planning and your husband to be?”

“Good… good, I have everything set, nothing seems to be missing but a couple thousand dollars in Sebastian’s wallet.” Linda found this one funnier, throwing her head back, almost dropping her sandwich on the floor. “What’s the incident?”

“You know how Beck has a habit of finding ways to destroy her leg?”

I nodded, calling back to the many times Beck has had issues in keeping her leg in one piece. Not that she’s breaking it, rather bruising the shit out of it.” “Yeah, I do.”

“Well she done did it again.” We laughed in union. It became an inside joke by now. “I need you to fly to London for three weeks to inspect and review this hotel right in the heart of the city. It’s under a new owner and quite a few things have changed, I could ask Annie, but she’ll need to find someone to watch her kid. Don’t worry, you’ll be back in time for your wedding, which by the way, I can’t wait for. I already have my dress!”

I stared at her for a second. A trip to London was the last thing I thought I’d be doing right now, especially with the wedding just four weeks away. I pondered and the idea jumped around in my head. It would be kind of nice, getting out of the city, get my head in the game. Maybe think about my intentions of marrying Sebastian… try to find out if the fangirl inside is responsibe or not.

“Ok, sure, why not.” I smiled, Linda clapping her hands together, her Sandwich threatening to fall once again.

 -

 I arrived at home, taking my shoes off along with my coat. Linda gave me a folder with all the necessary information about the trip and all the points I needed to check out.

The only person that I now needed to confront was Sebastian.

I walked into the living room, seeing him sprawled across the couch, wrapped in a blanket. “Hey, babe.” I said while approaching him. I sat down and laid his head on my lap. I leaned down, kissing his lips tenderly.

“How was work?” He asked, closing his eyes.

“Good. Y’know, a lot of people preparing for the summer.” I pondered for a moment, trying to find the right words. “Seb? I need to tell you something.”

He sat up immediately, his eyes looking onto mine desperately. He took my hands into his. I knew he was worried.

“I- I accepted a job to go to London for three weeks, to inspect a hotel, I know this is very close to our wedding date, but Linda said I was the only choice next to Annie, and she would have to look for someone to take care of her child.”

“When are you leaving?”

“Tomorrow. First thing.”

Sebastian exhaled deeply, looking away from me. “Feels like running to me.”

“Sebastian…” I squeezed his hands in mine. “I’m not running, nor and I going to stand you up at the altar, I just… have to figure some stuff out.

“So, you are running? What’s there to figure out?” “Did I propose too soon, should we postpone the wedding?”

It was me this time, exhaling, looking away from him. “I’m not sure if the feelings I have for you are my own or just an imagination from the fan I was- still am!” I looked at Sebastian, pleading for him to understand. “I don’t want to leave on bad terms or move the wedding to another day. I just have to figure out if I’m going to hurt you.”  

His gaze finally met mine and I knew. I knew he didn’t understand the way I hoped he would.

“Y/n, I know that you love me and There’s nothing that changes that whether you were or still are a fan of me, I don’t give a shit. But if this is what you need to steer your mind into the right direction and lay your worries to rest, then do it.” Sebastian leaned in, kissing me softly. “I’ll be waiting for you, no matter what.”

Tears threated to fall down my cheeks, I didn’t know if this would resolve the storm within me, but I knew this was good, for both me and Sebastian.

We went to bed, holding each other tightly, tangled between the sheets, his hands on my body feverishly roaming every inch.

 -

 I packed my suitcase with my necessities, suddenly dreading my departure. I got a text telling me that my ride to the airport was downstairs.

As I stood at the door, Sebastian pulled me into a tight hug, whispering in my ear over and over how much he loves me and misses me already. I looked up to him cupping his cheeks with my hands pulling him down for a passionate kiss.

“I love you, Sebastian.” I couldn’t cry right now, but I’m sure he knew I wanted to.

He kissed the back of my left hand, his gaze lingering on the ring. “Come back and marry me, Y/n. I want to be your husband more than I wanted to be anything else.”

“I will.”

“I love you, Y/n.”

With that, I was out of the door, into the elevator. Mentally preparing myself.

 London, here I come!

-

A/N pt.2: YES!! THERE WILL BE A SEQUEL TO THIS MASTERPIECE!! I have thought about it, consulted with @buckisthatyou​ about it and have come to the conclusion that I need to write it. And because we all want to know what it’s called:

House. It will be called house and no one can stop me.

Anyway, since I already wrote a Thank You post I will keep it short and sweet. 

Thank you all for waiting for me to write this. If i had written it earlier, I probably would've not come up with a sequel. So everything has a purpose... right?

Thank you for reading and I will see you in

House!

[autumnslance]

Heyyy! I have a question! But first I would love to share how I love your work ^^! It's mostly why I come to you with this question... See, I uh- would love to have the courage to share my writing, and my OCs to the world. But I never found the courage to. Do you have any tips? Or do you know any good tags where I can show my work at, so that one day I will just "accidentally" press the submit button? ^^'

Thank you~!

Honestly, I still feel anxious about sharing my stories and blurbs. I still feel like my OCs are pretty basic and not super interesting for others to read about.

But they're my characters and I like them anyway, so I'll keep writing about them. Even if takes me time to put some things out. I've always needed to write and share what I write, and sometimes that need overwrites the fear and anxiety--but it can still be hard.

And you know me, this rambles, so have a cut--

I have a buncha prompts and Ao3 threads with an "unnamed generic WoL" that were in some ways me testing the waters, figuring out what worked. Eventually the "unnamed WoL" in those bits leaned more and more towards being Aeryn, until I was just now writing about my own WoL (and her friends) directly without apology. But even then...Even knowing people like my characters, even knowing people like my OC/NPC ship somehow, it can be a struggle

One reason I like prompts and challenges is they make me write something and post without dwelling too hard on it, in theory. That "Rak'tika Rendezvous" piece? I've been sitting on that for at least nine months. I have other WIPs and Drafts, some even older than that! Some are unfinished--and some I'm just too nervous to post, like that one, which was edited often and heavily revised at least once.

I could just leave my writing in a drawer or a doc folder on my hard drive--and for many years I did. I discovered fanfiction in my teens on some of the earliest sites and webrings in the 1990s. It was a different existence; I didn't have a home computer or know how to make accounts or post. I just wrote, having realized the stories I told in my head could actually exist on paper. Literally, at the time. But they also are all gone, not archived anywhere or saved where I can find them again.

Roleplaying helped me, in learning how to make characters and write about them, and then posting about them. Tabletop, LARP, and online, I've done it all. I got pretty good at editing chat logs into something readable, and sometimes even looking like a story. The forums and Livejournals they were posted on were meant for the specific communities I was in--friends catching up on story beats. My WoW server (Shadow Council) had a community-run website, RP-Haven, for years. I posted modified RP logs and stories about my WoW OCs there; a bit more open than my immediate RP group/guild, but still people whose interests I knew were somewhat shared. So the move to posting on Tumblr and Ao3 for me feels like another step, for a wider audience of people who inexplicably like what I write about. It's been mostly positive in my experience, but I write fairly innocuous stuff and my audience is still pretty small and contained.

The internet has changed over time, so any baby steps process will be different. On Tumblr, sharing writing is a lot of knowing how the Search and Tag functions work. So far as I know you can keep something in Drafts indefinitely, until you're ready to hit that "Post" button. Tags should be simple, direct, and consistent, and only the first 5 show up in the general tag search (though can pull up on your blog easily when going to that tag). Which is why I always go "Final Fantasy XIV", "whatever challenge I'm doing", "NPC Name", "own writing tags", etc. I end up following and getting followed thanks to the FFXIVWrite challenges in the last 3 years, where we're all throwing down whatever springs to mind within a 24 hour deadline to break those anxiety-induced perfectionist habits that keep people from posting. Many folks rewrite/revise their entries later, too, because why not?

On Ao3 a draft can only exist for a certain amount of time, before it auto-deletes or you have to post it to save it from oblivion. I don't know if changing the draft extends that deadline; I don't tend to save things in drafts in Ao3, keeping those in GoogleDocs. Knowing tagging on Ao3 is also a thing (I've yet to figure out as fully). Sometimes I'll share a draft from Gdocs with a friend or two for feedback and encouragement before posting ("That Green Umbral Wind" was one, and "Please" was because hooboy).

Pillowfort is a lot like Tumblr, but has features like making a post non-rebloggable, and also any edits to the post reflect in reblogs. There's a bit more control of one's posts there. Also communities, which are like collectively following a public feed people can post or reblog directly to. Pillowfort's also still smaller/less used than Tumblr, and gives out invite keys regularly. Sometimes starting small, with more controls over how it's seen and shared, can help with the anxiety.

I'm also in a largish writing Discord where there are channels for sharing snippets of one's writing, and people can react with emojis and discuss it in the related channels. That's always nice for feedback, for brainstorming, for encouragement. There are even rules now about self-deprecating and putting down your own work--it doesn't help you or anyone else to put yourself and your writing down. We're all learning and growing the more we practice and try new things, like any other art.

You can only get better by keeping on writing, but there's only so far you can get without any feedback. Even if it's just a Like/Kudos, someone read and cared. Comments and tags like "I like this line" or "I love you wrote X part" or "I like how they interact" can really help figure out your strengths, maybe what of the other bits could be worked on more, and of course bolster the confidence to simply keep posting. Trusted friends or finding good beta readers to ping things off of can make a difference, depending on how you write.

But in the end, it's making the love of your OCs and wanting to write matter more than that fear/anxiety. Giving yourself the freedom to make changes when needed, to know it's not written in stone and can be edited, or even rewritten and reposted when you know you can do it better--I see it often. Sometimes you sit on something for awhile tweaking it until it's ready, sometimes you yeet a new piece into the void as soon as you finish typing.

Knowing that if nothing else, on a day when you need to, you can go to that page on your device and reread that thing you posted and remember you still love your characters, even years later, and maybe even think of something new to write for them.