#y'all gotta do some research on your own but if you just wanna take my word for it:

[gamebunny-advance]

Irreplaceable

It's all "pikmin yaoi" this and "pikmin yuri" that, but then y'all will go and ignore the canon pikmin yaoi/yuri that's right in front of you.

[90363462]

12 Things To Do During Oral Sex - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty

Shellie R. WarrenFeb. 04, 2022 08:36AM EST

It's my personal opinion that oral sex doesn't get discussed nearly enough. And that's pretty much my starting and finishing reason for why I'm writing this. C'mon. It's not like most of us don't indulge or engage and yet, when it comes to finding ways to make the experience more enjoyable (because a mouth simply being on another's genitalia is a really low bar), we don't seem to do as much research as we should.

It's no secret that more women climax from cunnilingus than intercourse itself (I'll expound in a moment). And it's definitely no newsflash that fellatio tends to put huge smiles on most men's faces. Still, there's nothing like going from good to great in your oral sex game, right? Something tells me that if you incorporate the following 12 tips, that is exactly what will happen.

1. Treat It Like an “Appetizer.” Not the “Meal.”

Let's start with where our, umm, heads should be about oral sex—whether we're giving or receiving. For starters, if it's gonna be grand, it'll be both. Anyway, while I do know some people who tend to take a hard pass on oral sex for a variety of reasons (by the way, religious married folks should check out Proverbs 5:15) and I certainly say to each their own, gone should be the stigma that there is anything "wrong" or "nasty" about doing it. Besides, 75 percent of women aren't able to have a vaginal orgasm. Oh, but do you know how they can climax? Some good old-fashioned cunnilingus! The main reason is that there is so much direct clitoral stimulation during the act.

Speaking of the stigma and the "ick attitude" that so many still seem to have about oral activity, that's a part of the reason why I think that cunnilingus and fellatio should be seen as appetizers (foreplay) more than the actual meal (intercourse). Think about it. How big of a deal is kissing? Especially in an intimate relationship, it's basically a given, right? Well, oral sex is a form of kissing...kissing genitalia, that is. And when you look at it from the perspective of stimulating your partner and building up excitement for what is to come, that can take a lot of pressure off of doing it. The acts can relax you, significantly so, as you're heading into intercourse. Appetizers are dope. They get the palate ready and prepare us to sit back and enjoy our meal. I think oral sex should be seen in a very similar fashion. How about you?

2. Shower Beforehand. Possibly Together.

I'll tell y'all what, if there's one thing that 2020 did, it got me super up close and personal with streaming apps. Not the ones you've gotta pay for (some of y'all have so many of those that you might as well have cable, chile)—the free ones. One of them being Tubi. Anyway, a series on there that I started watching not too long ago isSecret Diary of a Call Girl. It's…interesting. At times. Anyway, I'm bringing that up for this piece because Belle (the call girl) tends to give tips throughout each episode. One of her first was this—make sure that your partner showers from the moment he steps in your door.

I promise y'all that when I see movies or television shows where folks are all sweaty or are even just coming in from work and oral sex is simulated, I semi wanna gag just like an 80s valley girl. No, no…NO. Oral sex is so much more pleasant when you know that everything is super clean and fresh down there. You can even up the excitement by taking a showertogether. Whatever you do, just make sure that hygiene is a top priority. For everyone's sake. And pleasure.

3. Create the Ambiance

Whether you adore oral sex (giving and receiving), you low-key loathe it or you merely tolerate it, the overall experience is going to be so much better—and far less awkward—if the atmosphere is sexy. Use candlelight or colored LED light bulbs. Turn on some slow R&B music. Dress sexy. Bring a few pillows into the mix (when you're "propped up", oral sex can be so much more comfortable). Hit a few other erogenous zones. Maybe give each other a massage (with hands and/or with tongues).

Sometimes oral sex can feel stressful at first, usually because we're rushing into it way too fast. Slow down. Set the mood. Enjoy each other. You've got time. If you're doing it right, you do, anyway.

4. Mutually Discuss What’s Desired. Each Time.

If you don't get anything else out of this, please hold on to this one particular point. Sometimes, we can be in a mood to receive oral sex in a different way than we did the time before. We might want more pressure applied or less. We might prefer it to be wetter or less wet. Sometimes 69 sounds like a good idea while other times, it's the absolute last thing that we want to attempt. But if we don't discuss all of this with our partner and instead, we put the expectation on them to be able to read our minds, that can make us frustrated with them—and ultimately, the act itself.

No one is saying that you have to present a—pardon the pun—full-on oral presentation about what you expect all of the time. I'm just saying that whispering in his ear what you are in the mood for (followed by asking him what he would like) can never hurt. It can only help, actually.

5. Incorporate a Favorite Flavor

I know all of us have heard that if you and your partner drink pineapple juice, everything will be right with the (oral sex) world, but that's not a complete truth. What is a fact is your diet plays somewhat of a role in how your natural lubrication as well as your partner's semen taste. This means that if pineapple juice is a part of your daily diet, it can knock some of the acidity out of both of your fluids, making them an itty bit sweeter. But if you're looking for everything to taste like a piña colada, you're only setting yourself up for failure. No food can do that.

The flip to this is if you bring a favorite sweet condiment into the mix, that can make you less—what would the word be—apprehensive, about diving in, head first (with the pun totally intended). Chocolate syrup, honey, whipped cream, frosting, flavored lubricant—all of these can be super seductive and a delicious distraction, if you happen to like the act but you'd prefer to avoid the taste of the "natural flow of things" as much as possible.

6. Use Some Ice Cubes

Here's the sexual version of IcyHot (LOL). While you may have never thought about "pulling a Mookie" in the bedroom (the real ones know what I'm referring to), it's something that you definitely should take into some serious consideration when it comes to oral sex. For you, the person on the giving end, it can help to produce a lot more wetness which can take off the pressure to produce more saliva. Then, when it comes time to receive, the combination of hotness (from your partner's mouth) and cold (from the ice) can actually stimulate you in a way that nothing else can. It doesn't have to be plain ice either. Popsicles or some Buko Ice Candy (a Filipino kind of icy treat; there's an easy-to-make recipe here) can easily be added to the mix too.

7. Perfect the “Build-Up”

One time, while in a session with a married couple, surprisingly, they both had the same complaint when it came to giving oral sex. It wasn't that they didn't like doing it so much as they felt like their partner took FOR-E-VER to orgasm. When I did a bit of deeper digging, I realized that, when it came to the act, there really isn't any wooing or seducing that was transpiring. They both would just take off their clothes and start. Not only is that not very sexy but this approach means that you have to not only "warm your partner up" with your mouth but then keep going until completion (because most of us go until completion…right?).

That's why I'm all about folks learning how to perfect the build-up. All I mean by that is there should be all about lots of kissing and caressing before oral sex begins. Shoot, even once they get to the genital region, there should be some seductive teasing by kissing/licking the hips and/or inner thighs. Again, if everyone slows down and relishes in the anticipation, by the time the act itself goes down, climaxing shouldn't be too difficult and definitely shouldn't take three television programs long. Not at all.

8. Switch Up Positions

I don't know what makes people think that oral sex always has to consist of being in some variation of the missionary position. It. Does. Not. If you'd like a little bit of a breakdown on how certain positions can prove to be most beneficial, a few years back, we published "6 Oral Sex Positions That'll Elevate You Even When You're On Your Knees." I also like the his-and-her positions that the site Your Tango took on. You can check it out here. Sometimes, just a change in angles can make all the difference in the world.

9. Yawn. Kinda.

Not all penises are created equal (check out "Sex Hacks For Different Kinds Of Penises (You Heard Me Right)"). That's a good thing. That said if you happen to have a partner who has the kind of penis where you find yourself repeatedly experiencing a gag reflex, try fake yawning during fellatio. This simple hack will help your throat to open up and your tongue to flatten, so that it's easier to…take everything all in.

10. Bring in Some Lubricant

Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, we simply can't produce enough saliva or we need some help to keep our hands from causing the oral sex version of rug burn on our partner. Something that can help both of these things from being an issue is lubrication. A recipe that you might want to try consists of coconut oil and margarita flavoring. Now please keep in mind that since oil-based lubes can actually semi-melt latex condoms, this should be used when it comes to oral activity only (and after being STD-cleared because you can get one from oral too). Still, if you're looking for a way to bring more "slip" into your second or third round, an easy and tasty recipe is right here.

11. “Seesaw It” All

There are some partners who've told me that the way oral sex happens for them is extremely compartmentalized. They do that—and then they have intercourse. There is no overlapping. What in the world? Do you know how hot it is to seesaw it? What I mean by that is to go five minutes with oral, have intercourse to the point of edging, and then go back to giving—or receiving? Whew. 

It's always important to remember that sex isn't supposed to be regimented. Learn to go with the flow and do whatever feels good at the moment. It'll turn you on more and make oral sex so much more erotic. And that's always a good thing.

12. Watch It All Go Down (Pun Intended)

I know. Sometimes it all feels so good that you couldn't keep your eyes open if you tried. But a lot of times, we don't make eye contact during any kind of sex act because we simply don't think it's that big of a deal, one way or another. Oh, but it is. Eye contact during physical intimacy conveys that you want to make a deeper connection with your partner. And, when you do it during oral sex, they are able to get more turned on by either watching what you are doing to them or seeing all of the nuances of your facial expressions while they are gracing you with their skills.

Oh, and if you really want to take things to another level, you can even tape your partner during the act. Or, if a tape, to you, is too risqué, the next best thing is to watch with the help of a full-length mirror that's directly in front of you.

As you can see, these aren't "oral sex hacks" so much as they are tips to remind you to relax your mind, stay in the moment and—again, pun intended—take it all in. Oral sex can be unbelievable. You've just got to open up and let it be.

Featured image by Getty Images

Originally published February 19, 2021

[sleepysailorjunko]

Sweet Child of Mine

Johnny doesn't really want to fall in love again. He doesn't want to settle down again. He already did that once, and it ended badly, although his recollection is vague to say the least.

Gettting shot in the head throws a man for a loop, that much is certain. In Johnny's case, the two rounds fired into his skull tore holes into his memories, leaving him to fill in the blanks, as inaccurate as that may be.

He didn't remember his name when he woke. Listening to the radio, he put down Johnny Guitar just so he'd have something.

As he travel the wastes, he recollects more about his own past as he hunts for the man in the checkered suit.

His name really is Johnny, he discovers in Primm, but he only signed the document "Johnny". A place to start, at least.

Someone will recognize him, he thinks, because certainly, there aren't that many long haired men with red eyes. At least, none as handsome as he.

But no one does. No one recognizes him.

Some things he has to learn. The rifle he found felt familiar to him, like maybe he spent a lot of time using one once. Only, he ain't too good with it now, on account of something called "orbital fracturing" distorting his long range vision. He's gotta admit, maybe no one recognizes him because he doesn't look like himself anymore. Not that he ain't greatful to the Doc for fixing him up.

But that six gun he found in Primm? It felt right in his hand. It felt like his weapon, like it had always been his.

He remembers his wife. She was sweet, his Diane, and he promised he'd give up his life as an outlaw for her. It was hard for him to deny what people had thought about him since birth, but he would do it for her.

He thinks that's why he gets on so well with Boone. They're both widowers.

Or at least, that's what Johnny thinks. He doesn't remember what happened to her. Maybe it's better that way, that he doesn't remember how his wife died. Boone, surely, would prefer that.

He doesn't entertain the notion that she could still be alive. After all, if she still lived, wouldn't he be beside her instead of trecking across the wastes for the Mojave Express?

He hadn't expected to meet his son. He didn't even know he had a son for heavens sake. Like memories of so many other things, it seems like these were ripped away from him.

He's looking at the legionary, and suddenly, he knows. The legionary he's fighting is his son.

An image appears in his mind, of a young boy with red eyes looking up and his hand-he knows it's his hand, those are his scars-reaches down to ruffle the kid's hair.

He knocks the legionary out. It's something that he's practiced at, but it feels wrong knowing that's his son. It feels wrong that his son is Legion. How the hell did that happen?

Johnny's always been a strong guy, and he's thankful for it as he slings his boy over his back and takes off into the desert.

He didn't think this through. He's got absolutely no idea what he's doing.

Arcade is more than willing to point that out. To be fair, Johnny walks in with a passed-out legionary hung over his shoulder. Some surprise was justified.

"wha-what do you got there?"he asks as Johnny lays the young man down.

"He's my boy, Arcade. I don't...I couldn't let him stay with the legion."

"So you're kidnapping people now?"he remarks, checking over the legionary.

"Shit. I didn't...I didn't mean it like that. He's my son, I ain't forcing him into slavery or anything."

"What are you going to do when he wakes up? Don't say you don't know, I could figure that out myself."

Johnny made himself busy by removing the young man's legionary armor.

When the young man stirs, it is slowly ar first, red eyes blinking open.

"Well, I certainly see the resemblance." Arcade says, and then the legionary springs up. He tackles Arcade, leaning hard against the researcher's throat with his forearm.

"Where am I? What did you do to me?"

Johnny swiftly cuts into the legionary's interrogation, pulling the boy off Arcade.

"Wow,Johnny," Arcade wheezes "He really is just like you."

"Listen up,"Johnny barks. "Don't try that again, or I'll kick your ass from here to New Reno."

"Sure you will, old man."

"You ain't in the legion any more. I got you out. You try and go back, and they'll have you crucified."

"No, I am true to Caesar!"

"They'll never believe that someone just up and grabbed you. They'll think you ran. I seen men die in the sun before. "

"Why would it matter to you, profligate?"

"I'm your pa, that's what it matters. Otherwise, I woulda knocked you dead."

"No, I have no father! I am a son of Caesar."

"Yeah, sure you are, that's why you look so much like me. Say, how many men you ever seen with red eyes?"

The young man twisted around, trying to get a look at the man holding him. It was true. The man in the cowboy hat did have red eyes. A large scar covered most of his face, but he did look familiar.

"Let me go."

"Only if you swear you won't attack no one."

"I swear on Caesar." The man he had knocked to the ground stood up, rubbing at his throat, and wandered off to another part of the campsite.

"When this blows up in your face, I want you to remember I was against this." He called.

Johnny let go of the legionary. To the legionary's credit, he did not attack Johhny.

"You're stronger than me, but you're twice my age. How?"

"Yeah, well. For one, I ain't wearing a skirt."

"This is the uniform of Caesar! It grants me strength."

"Uh-huh. Well, out here, talking about Caesar is liable to get yer teeth knocked in. Hell, I might do it even."

"And you're supposed to be my father?"He smirked.

"I am your father. Say, what's your name?" He rubbed at his stubbly jaw for a second, then said. "You'll tan your hide dressed like that. You'll have to keep your boots as I ain't gotta spare, but I oughta have some clothes for you."

"I am Darius, son of Caesar."

"I ain't calling you that. What name did Diane and I give you?"

"Wouldn't you know? If you were really my father?"

"You ever been shot in the head, son? It makes you forget things. What's your name?"

"My name is Darius-"At this, Johnny lost his patience.

"Fine,"He growled."You wanna be one of Caesar's dogs so badly? I'll call you by a dog's name then. Get dressed, Dogmeat."

He threw some clothing at the kid. Dogmeat turned his back to dress. There wasn't any sense in refusing.

Johnny looked over at his son, maybe to say something, maybe just to check that he was there, but then he paused.

"They branded you? They branded you like cattle?"

"It's not a brand, it's a mark of Caesar and I am priveledged to wear it."

"Unbelievable. They do that so you won't run, y'know. So you belong to them."

"Yes, well, it appears I've run anyway." Without further argument, he finishes dressing, smoothing down the worn Sunset Sasparilla t-shirt.

"Alright, let's hit the road. A word of the wise, son, you best hold your tongue because if you upset my NCR sniper friend with talk of the legion, he's liable to shoot you." Johnny picked a box of cigarettes from his pocket and lit one. "You might deserve it too. I ain't never met an innocent legionary."

"Profligates-" Dogmeat started, but Johnny cut him off.

"You been to Nipton lately, boy?" It was a sharp thing, Johnny's voice. "You seen the destruction y'all brought to the town?"

"It was a town of profligates-"

"Y'all use that damn word so much I'm begining to think you have no idea what it means. Where did Diane and I go wrong in raising you that you believe all this nonsense? Tell me, do you think it's right for men and women to be enslaved? Do you think it's right that people suffer and you burn their towns? Do you think that's right?"

Johnny's face was an awful, bitter vision. He looked at his disgrace of a son with disapointment and disgust clear in his eyes.

"Some men are meant-"

Johnny slapped his son.

"Some men are meant for slavery? Is that what you're saying? You ever worn a slave's collar? Twice, I've been enslaved, worn the collar of a slave, and you tell me that I'm meant for that? Fuck that."

He hadn't seen it before, but below the red bandana tied around the man who claimed to be his father's neck, there was a long line of scarring.

"If you weren't my son, I'd kill you."

"I wish I wasn't. I wish I had returned to the raiding party having bested the great Courier Six, with his duster over my shoulders as a trophy. No, I wish that we captured you. That we strung you up on a cross to die. Or maybe threw you to the dog's instead. I'd have earned a fine promotion for that; Caesar would have recognized my strength."

"Think that makes you tough, wanting me dead? Get in line. Most everyone in the Mojave wants to put me in a grave for one reason or another. Hell, one guy almost succeeded."

"Am I supposed to be impressed?"

"No, it's just how things are. There is something wrong with you, kid. Something broken, I guess. Maybe I'm the same way, I never knew when to throw in the towel or how to fall in line. But I ain't never done nothing like the Legion did. Kill people, sure, but I never took pleasure in making them suffer."

"So what? We ride off into the sunset now?"

"Christ, can't I go a damn minute without someone asking me what we're doing next?"

The other man reappeared. Dogmeat looked at him closely, realizing that it was the doctor Caesar favored. If he could somehow defeat Johnny, he could capture the doctor and bring him to Caesar as a gift. He would certainly be rewarded well for it.

He patted his thighs. They had took his knife and his pistol. Smart, but not enough to keep them alive in the long run.

Johnny, he thought, was physically stronger than him, and had the advantage if they fought hand to hand. Besides, he had a highly engraved pistol holstered at his hip. Even though Johnny had shown reluctance to harm him, he had stated that he would have killed Dogmeat if he hadn't recognized him.

The doctor, however, seemed physically weaker, armed with a plasma weapon. Johnny had prevented him from attacking the doctor before. Attempting to do so again may provoke Johnny into attacking him.

"Never mind. I worked it out. It ain't ideal or nothing, but it's the best I can do. I ain't gotta lot of options right now, and I gotta cash a few favors for this to work. I can't let you go, you'll go running back to the Legion, and you're a danger. I don't want to kill you. We're going to Camp Forlorn Hope. They've got a jail there."

"You're turning me in?"

"Yeah." Johnny said, his voice quiet. "I'm turning you in."

"You're doing the right thing, Johnny." Arcade said, putting a hand on his friend's shoulder.

"NCR prisons, they aren't like Legion prisons. They won't beat you to a pulp or anything. You'll get three square a day, and it'll be warm and dry. Hell, might even be better than out here. Might be a little interrogation. I'll tell them you're my boy. It'll reflect badly on me, but they won't risk pissing me off."

Dogmeat didn't know if Johnny was trying to comfort himself or reassure him. He didn't care much either way.

"Fuck you." he spat at Johnny. The spurrs on Johnny's boots glinted in the sun.

Johnny looked out at the horizon. It would be a long walk to Camp Forlorn Hope.

"They can help you boy, help you get all that legion nonsense out of your head." Pulling his hat low over his eyes, he continued. "And when you're done, you'll be a free man. Let's get going, son."

Tears glinted in Johnny's eyes, but he brushed them aside with the swipe of rough, scarred hand. He settled his hat, spun the chamber on his sixgun, and headed into the Mojave.

[stvlti]

Fic Writer Interview

I piped up when @kiseiakhun did theirs so now I gotta pay for my hubris (but also, it's fun! Thanks for going out of your way to re-tag me!)

Name(s): stvlti (tumblr), stultiloquent (ao3)

Fandoms:

Actively writing for: DCU - comics and also related media, by which I mean of course Young Justice the cartoon and somehow also the Titans TV show. I never expected I'd write for a live action TV show series but hey, 2003 Teen Titans were my roots and Titans is a close relative. (Funnily enough I haven't actually seriously written for TT, but it's all about NTT and its derivative works)

Older fandoms on my AO3: Black Mirror: Bandersnatch, Noragami, Death Note

Where you post: AO3 is where I literally archive all my fics that see the light of day, drabbles and crackfics alike, but sometimes they get posted on Tumblr first (especially if it's to fill a prompt) and then make their way over to AO3 for reposting

Most popular one shot (by kudos):

Overall: "the hands that worship you", which is a pwp because I guess y'all love the porn on AO3!

This year: "if you can't summon your own tentacles, store-bought is fine", which is also a pwp because you horny mofos will always pick porn over anything else welp (thanks for leaving kudos though 🤣 and tbf, this one does have the unfair advantage of being literally the second oldest piece posted this year so it's had more time to amass more kudos than my gen / PG rated fics. proportionately though it's definitely not the one I've gotten the highest kudos to hits ratio on)

Most popular multi-chap (by kudos):

Discounting "if you can't summon your own tentacles" (which is more a two-parter that was written as a one-shot), I don't have an answer for either "Overall" or "This year" for this one because I have in fact only ever written one (1) multichap fic since moving to AO3 (we don't talk about the dark days on Deviantart) and said multichap fic isn't even close to within the top 10 most kudos'd fic on my account. That plus it's an RPF from my teenaged years that I really don't wanna plug on main because I don't want y'all to read that shit (it's RPF, come on)

Favourite story you’ve written so far:

I can't answer for "Overall" (cause I feel like I'd be forgetting and therefore neglecting a portion of the stories I've got in my portfolio over the last 8 years), but for "This year" it is in fact my latest entry, "Transference"! I was quite proud of the comfort zones I tested with that one, I pushed myself to write more than 2 character povs for a single piece (my record had always been 2 but in that fic I was juggling 3 - almost 4 character perspectives), plus it gave me an excuse to play around with narrative structure which is always a Thing I'm nerdy about

Fic you were nervous to post:

Cool cool cool so I'm just gonna expose myself with this one, but it was actually the priest kink fic, "When I'm down on my knees you're how I pray". I wanted to contextualise Dick Grayson's guilt issues in a Catholic context as like a what-if, but I've also never been Catholic, wasn't raised Catholic, and it was somehow important to me that I didn't misrepresent the customs and rituals of Catholicism? Even though just writing the fic itself was already fundamentally disrespectful? Idk my brain works on weird logic.

btw if any of you wanna cancel me for this just block me and move on.

How do you choose your titles?:

The title is either based on the central theme / moral of the story, which will come to me as I write and is usually the case for fics I take more seriously, OR, if it's a ficlet I didn't put as much effort into and/or don't intend to show off, I'll usually pull from lyrics for a one liner that hits the emotional notes I'm going for in the story.

Do you outline?:

Almost always. The only fics I haven't outlined are spur of the moment things, stuff that's very focused on a single instance or thought without much plot or coordination needed.

Complete: 26 25 in total

not counting the ones I deleted or orphaned this year (again this number does not include my Deviantart stash shhhh those didn't happen)

In-progress: uh....3 4?

I'm kinda in between the research and planning stage for 3 different fics atm so idk if it's really in-progress in-progress... Those 3 fics aren't even set in stone, I might abandon them again like I did with one of these 3 (the dark academia au) 5 months ago (that I recently picked back up on the research front)

Yeah I forgot my Sladick fic is a 2-parter that I should probably work on and finish at some point 😬

Coming soon/not yet started: I think it's somewhere between 8 and 11

I just added 2 more to the list after Romin Week prompts dropped /sigh. But I really wanna test my comfort zone again and try writing the wilder stories for a change (it'll be fun though if I get around to it! Hopefully something BOP movieverse shaped if I'm lucky)

Prompts:

Sure, send them my way! I accept prompts, just can't guarantee I'll be able to respond speedily though cause I can't chain my muse to me and also real life happens, a lot

Upcoming work you’re most excited about:

Ooof idk if excited is the right word, try trepidation...I'm scared to mischaracterise our faves...but a BOP movieverse fic is probably going to be real fun! Just hope I can finish the research and writing in time for the event though

No-pressure tags:

See this is the real point of me asking to be tagged and filling this tag, cause I wanna pass it on to my writing mutuals in other fandoms. So @trans-l-lawliet @fantomn @mellonearyou @3dnygma , if you're listening,,,,

Also any other writerly friends or followers reading this and curious to try, please go ahead! Have fun with this!

[bythehalfpint]

I've been dabbling in fanfiction a little, so here is a weird west gtn au

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`~`````

Yee’d your last Haw

Desert nights are different from most others, it's a kind of cold that creeps up on you. A reprieve from the unending sun, that turns sharper than broken bone if you aren’t paying attention and this far outta town there's nowhere to hide from it. See at this time of night I’d rather be bosom buddies with the beautiful babes at the Ida Palace, but alas, The Reverend Daughter is always one for the dramatics. 

As such, she deemed it necessary to dual the pale priest at midnight, miles away from Caanan and the boy’s “congregation.” The stark white tent resembled more of a shark’s tooth against the star lit sky, under the milky way, “Ha, looks like a big, white, di-”

 “Griddle, don’t-”

“Right, you gotta focus. You’re shifting into bone mode.” 

And as if on cue the wind stopped, the cold air hanging heavy in the lungs, small white puffs forming with every exhale. Harrow pressed on, unphased, pushing aside the tent flap, I stay in toe with sawed off shotgun at the ready.

“Cultists have no right to call themselves Reverend anything,” the pale priest, 16 at most, sat in an ornate wooden chair at the far end of the tent. All the pews, stacked neatly off to the side, a show of strength that this noodly teen could in no way accomplish on his own. He was finishing the last length of braid on his bleach white hair, same color as the tent, same color as his suit, and boots. “Shame” I grinned, “that would’ve been a lot more intimidating if your balls didn’t decide to drop midway through it.”

“Silas Ocktiseron,” the Reverend Daughter stepped out into the open, the sounds of the bone rosary rattling at her side, “you have something of mine, and I’m taking it back one way or another.” Now if this is the first time you’d ever seen the Reverend Daughter you’d think her just a small, angry, pup, all bark not bite. Black hat sitting pretty on top a head of black curls, edges of her dress and veil starting to fray. Just another old house that went west to die. Right there, that’s where you’d be dead wrong. Harrowhark “eternal pain in my ass” Nonigesimus is more lethal than dynamite in a chapel, more lethal than buck shot to the teeth, more lethal than falling in love. I ain’t nothing to laugh at either, I just happen to be a whole lot of handsome, dark and mysterious gunslinger.

“By Divine Right these are my keys, ghoul. For mine is a pure and righteous power, ask my congregation! I reach into their very soul.” His smug air seemed to be suffocating the room, or was he actually suffocating the room? Yop, definitely the latter. In a blink it was a flurry of bones and shells and wooden shrapnel as Colm Asht, honestly forgot about him for a second, swung wide with the nearest pew. A well placed bone bracelet gave me enough time to redirect my shot from the boy to his puppet, as a half formed skeleton knocked the giant of a man off kilter. Enough time the blast half the pew that would have ruined my money maker. 

Scars are great, ladies love scars, collapsed orbital bone? Not so much. 

   

    Using the kick from Baby ( the shotgun is named Baby, cause she’s my baby) I managed to get some distance between me and the big man. Pump, second shot should have popped his shoulder clear across the room and dropped the brick house of a man on his back. That would’ve been too easy, wouldn’t it? He stumbled back and as he was about to fall it looked like someone grabbed him by the front of his shirt and put him up right. His eye’s now  a white hot flame inside his skull, and like a puppet on a string he raised the remaining pew high in the air. “This is it,” I thought, which is always a mistake, before realizing I wasn’t his intended target. “Shit, HARROW!” I screamed.

Without changing his gaze he threw the pew with a sniper’s precision towards my lady in black, and time seemed to stand still for just a moment. No panic in her face, at least none to be seen underneath the veil, just a small, wicked, smile. Time returned to normal as a wall of skeletal remains burst from the ground, interlocked like they were climbing over each other to freedom. They held fast, grasping onto the broken pew. This time I know the air left the room from the sheer badassery, but Harrow’s ego was already bigger than our wanted bounty and she will never know I stood in awe at her grace and poise. Especially when she says cool shit like,

“ Silas, you should really do your research before you set up shop” and the bones part like silk drapes as she almost glides out of the protective barrier. “Burial grounds aren’t a good look for you.”

 I am the cool one in this outfit, I got the sunglasses and big fucking gun to prove it! So I might as well prove it.

As Colm began his barrage of pews, I slipped behind the rubble and reloaded with the special shells. Blessed in the same way Harrow was blessed, a gift for the undead and bringing pain. Two shots is probably all I have, two shots is hopefully all I need. Peering around the pile of collapsed bones and broken wood (sounds like a night at Ida, honestly) I had front row seats to a necromantic battle on a level I had never seen before. Silas had finally raised from his seat, and he looked pissed. Waving his boney hands in the air, fingers twitching as he puppeted the now meat suit that was Colm Asht currently engaged with the onslaught of skeletal remains being thrown at him. 

And Harrow danced.

It always looked like dancing to me now, the way she would glide and spin and step as she raised the dead and propelled them forward. When we were kids, I never saw it like this, too busy trying not to die as I was her main target practice. But now, it's hypnotic, like she’s listening to a melody no one else can hear. As precise as every insult she ever threw at me, as every bone she ever conjured, as every side glance at me she thought I missed. But it wasn’t enough, you can only dance so long without a partner. So I took her dance card.

The shot rang out as I fired into the big man’s torso mid swing at Harrow, he stumbled and was pulled up by the scruff of his shit by the unseen force of Silas. Who was now even more furious as the spray of blood marred the front of his pristine shirt. “That ain’t gonna come out, boy, hope you got a spare,” I say mid pump. One more shot, no time to reload. “Hey Harrow, don’t suppose you got anything fancier than the rattles and skulls here cause I got one --”Trust me, Griddle, please?” Without thinking, because its best not to over think it when she says please, I replied “ Sure thing, sugar lips.” I didn’t hear any snide remarks or cutting words, the world just rang high pitched as golden spots started to appear on Colm Asht’s body, and then music. A melody so sad, and so soft, and so comforting I almost dropped Baby “ Don’t let it take you, Griddle, just keep moving.” I tighten my grip and I dance, dodging the blows waiting for instructions. “ When I tell you to, shoot the brightest point, I can get the rest, till then just move” and sure enough she did. Her newly employed minions wrestled and pierced and pinned the man once Colm Asht nearly to the ground. I watched as each golden light diminished till one remained brighter than the rest “ Do it.”

 Bang, and the music stopped.

Both the pale priest and the puppet collapsed to the floor, the air seemed lighter and more readily available than when we had entered. Silas lay crumpled in the dirt, covered in blood, breathing heavily like he had been donkey kicked in the chest. He clutched his vest pocket as Harrow approached “ the Keys to Saint Peter’s belong to me, witch. I am” he wheezed, voice cracking as he attempted to breathe “ the chosen and the righteous. The angel chose me, the angel-” Harrow unceremoniously rolled him over with her foot, and took a ring of keys from his pocket. “Ocktiseron,” she let his name linger in the new air for a moment “our gifts are the same, our angel is the same, our vows are the same.” Another pause, her and her dramatics, “ and I hope you choke on that knowledge.” 

Outside the night air was as sharp as the angles on the face that awaited us, “ Reverend Daughter,” Palamedes took off his hat and placed it over his chest “ Might I suggest y'all lay low for a while? Ya took out the town’s darling, might be best to let the boy throw his tantrum and cool down before you finish your business here.” The torch light being held beside him by his partner lit up his cool, grey, eyes. “And where would you have us go, Warden? Nearest town on foot is Caanan, we did a favor for the Ida’s they should happily put us up.” Gideon can have some titties, as a treat? “ If I can be so blunt,” Camilla started “ you have no money, they’ll turn you over to the highest bidder and then turn them in for the bounty reward.” I hate this family. Newly disheartened I asked “Then what would you have us do? Die in the desert? Be eaten by vultures? The only thing I wanna be eaten by is a beautifu-” “Cam and I are heading back to The Library, its north of here in the mountain range, no strings attached” Pal raised his hand, two long fingers to the sky “I swear on the Key’s.” I looked at Harrow, waiting for the cue to either pump him full of lead or take the offer. “Where’s the coach?”

So in the back of a wagon heading north to an unknown location with a newly formed alliance we headed to The Library, tired, bloodied and worn. I slipped on my sunglasses, remember I'm the cool one, and made myself comfy. There was a shift, then silence, then pressure as I felt Harrow cozy up beside me. Just enough to feel comfort, not enough to commit or admit what she felt. I get it. So I pretend to sleep till she curls up around me, and when I know she’s out I drape my coat over her with my free arm and I hum a new song till I too drift into unconsciousness.    

[h3l10tr0p3]

Headcanon: Deku, the Serial Shipper

Contains- Mentions of sexual activities, established relationship - Bakudeku; Crack pairings- TodoIna, JiroMomo, UraTsuyu, UraTenya, DenkiSero, Kirimina, platonic Kiribaku etc.

(Beware- Long post)

Jesus Christ, I just had this HC and now I gotta spill, otherwise I won't be able to sleep tonight. Here's another annoying Long Post for y'all)

Deku, as a Pro Hero and Katsuki's Duo Partner, has a pretty hectic life since the media are crazy bloodhounds, the villains are a pain in the ass, interacting with fans becomes exhausting at times, and the critics are demons wailing for his blood.

Yeah, very hectic. And on top of that, there's very little time to relax. Most of the days he sneaks some solace in the gym, if he can buy more time he likes to read and immerse himself in his notebooks and research. Fighting Katsuki to blow some steam is a last resort to shed off weeks of frustration and only reserved for off-days or desperate times - because something like that inevitably devolves into gratuitous rough sex or worse, day-long fuck-a-thon. Not that Deku doesn't enjoy it, he simply doesn't have the time to indulge and he knows Kacchan doesn't either, so they try to keep their hands off each other unless the occassion begs for much-needed violent release.

But sometimes, you just want instant relief. Sometimes Deku just wants to kick back and relax like a normal person, go on the internet, without everyone hounding him for a piece of his mind.

So he does.

Under Anonymity.

Et viola @allmight9000 comes alive on several media platforms including Tumblr and Twitter. At first, Deku masquerades around as a hardcore All Might fan fighting anyone who dares to diss the retired Symbol of Peace . But since his retirement, his popularity has gone cold, not many heated debates take place around him anymore and as sad as this makes Deku, he decides to discover new venues.

Now, Deku knows there's this dark void of fanfiction lurking on the net and there's no escape from it should he ever set foot into it. He is also aware of the dark things that beckon him from the sewers like Pennywise the Dancing Clown (eg. All Might/Endeavour, Hawks/Endeavour, All Might Bowl, All Might/ Hero Harem, All Might/Midnight, All Might/Aizawa/Present Mic and so on), things he should rightfully keep a safe distance from. But this is fucking Deku we are talking about- ofcourse he dares to dip his foot into the murk of fanfiction.

For science, he thinks, and takes the plunge.

It all goes downhill from there.

One day, Katsuki comes back from his shift to find Deku face-planted into the sofa, he hasn't eaten lunch, hasn't bathed and is claiming trauma, repeatedly insisting that he has sinned and he is going to hell for it, then he shakily holds up a 367k word fic of Villain Might/Endeavour. Katsuki has to slap him back to his senses. Later that night, Deku calls up Toshinori and asks him for forgiveness, when Toshinori asks him worriedly, 'For what?', Deku assures him he DOES NOT wanna know.

After obsessively going through various tropes and completing every Enemies to Lovers / Mutual Pining / Unrequited Love fic there is (and there is a lot, Deku hates himself every day for it), waiting torturous weeks for dead authors to rise from the ashes for a teeny tiny update, Deku finally gives up his small lake of unfulfilling All Might ships (because frankly it's hard to find a fic that suits his tastes and convincingly fleshes out a love story around a man who has pointedly avoided romance for the better part of his LIFE or a find a fic which is COMPLETE) and sets out into the sea of Ships.

Bad Idea.

Very VERY Bad Idea.

(We know it, he knows it. Katsuki is the only one who is blessedly oblivious because he chooses not to wade into Deku's mental shit and compromise his own sanity.)

Strangely, Deku has come to take an odd satisfaction of returning to fan mentality of shipping two people without restraints (rarely more than two)-it's simple, senseless, easy. It gives his head a break from all the overanalyzing it does and gives him a small dose of endorphins when he cant work out, eat out or fuck out the frustration. He was adverse to it first, since these are strangers trying to ship two random people (people he is friends with), and it was unsettling to find so many people shipping them when they've BARELY had any interaction in canon real life! What's the premise of shipping them at all? He just didn't find any allure to it back then. So he kept his reads under fluff and under mature ratings because he feels uncomfortable reading smut about his friends.

But Deku had a 'Oh my God they were ROOMMATES' moment when Jirou and Momo announce that they are dating to the U.A. Alumni, that too after reading a really fluffy Creati/Earphone Jack fic which accurately referenced their public sightings together and spun it into plot-points quite masterfully. ( the author did a real good job on it) And the most horrifying thing about the fic, Deku finds, is the fact that NO ONE, not even the AUTHOR knows how correct they were in their estimates! No one except Deku.

That realization shakes the foundations of Deku's beliefs and morality as he wonders how many fics out there , sfw or smut, requited or unrequited love, enemies to lovers or lovers to strangers, fluff or smut have come so so close to the truth, been so damn close - like an alternate course of their love-story? and WHY IS NO ONE GIVING IT MORE KUDOS?

This is how Deku ends up being the most irredeemable Shipper of the universe- with a mission in hand:

To curate proof of all valid ships and to supply aforesaid proof of it to the world (as subtly as he can of course, so as to not compromise his own identity or the privacy of the Shipped.)

He begins to scour through the net for paparazzi photos, indulges in gossip, pries out information of who is dating whom from his Hero contacts, authenticates it, creates folders and subfolders of photographic 'proof' (they are just teasers really) and whenever anyone writes a fic that comes anywhere close to the real thing he makes sure to tag them in his tumblr/twitter post with photos which basically pour gasoline over their fiery passion to continue dreaming and writing fics around those Ships. Like:

You wrote a fic of Fluffy Iron Fist x Real Steel? Here you go- an obscure pic of them leaving her apartment together

Uravity x Ingenium and Uravity x Froppy? A love triangle that could possibly end in heartbreak?!! Damn, sistah, who knows? (She's confused too, imho) So here you go- Uravity getting tipsy with Froppy and Uravity snuggling to Ingenium under the rain.

One-shot of Chargebolt x Cellophane getting frisky in an alley? Honey, I gotchu. Here's a pic of them arriving at a villain scene together with dishevelled clothes.

All Might x Endeavour Slow Burn? My dear friend- here's a picture of the Symbol of peace roasting marshmallows with Shouto on flaming Endeavour merch. Please don't make me block you.

All Might x Midnight? Here's a pic of my mom, me and my Dad AllMight. Midnight, Who binch?

Celsius (Shouto) x Gale Force Stripper AU? Oh, hey, look I'm totally that one lucky guy who was in the right place at the right time, okay? I dont know these guys personally, OKAY? Not. At. All. But I have some Opinions™ about your fic? and pics to support it. Just wanna show you that maybe...i mean...MAAYYYYYYBEEEE...the stripper is Galeforce, not Celsius? Yeah? Don't worry though, You're doing good. Love the slow build, keep up the good work!

Deku becomes a sensational fic-writer-enabler and often gives inspiration to writers who are looking to write for a new fandom. Deku's got their backs.

He sinks so deep into this Shipping business that one day Katsuki catches wind of it. It was becoming painful to keep ignoring Deku's descent into madness. Katsuki was okay with it as long as the nerd did his job well and fucked him even better (which Katsuki will never admit to enjoying, even at gun point. Pull the trigger, you coward). So, yeah, Katsuki could have accepted all of Deku's weird stalkerish behaviours (even if they weren't fixated on him all the time anymore and the 'Kacchan, sugoi!' comments had plummeted drastically....who needs the shitnerd to validate his worth, right?! Right...it didn't make him pissed AT ALL. because admitting that would mean he enjoyed it, WHICH HE DID NOT, MIND YOU)

What Katsuki couldn't accept was Deku accidentally using his official Hero twitter handle to post a very platonic (but in the eyes of rabid fans- borderline homoerotic) pictures of him and Eijirou and posted it as #Ground_Riot. The fucking flood of Zeku-haters and pro-GroundRioters had the comments section on FIRE. The post goes VIRAL.

Deku, fucking DEKU, the man who is secretly ENGAGED to him, is promoting GroundRiot like NO ONE's business and HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW WHAT HE DID WRONG.

Katsuki finds Deku happily puttering around their shared apartment completely oblivious to the PR hell that has been licking at his heels. He immediately attacks Deku's account and is completely gobsmacked. Lo and fucking behold- every fifth picture in his blog is fucking GROUND RIOT.

Not just that, apparently, THIS MAN, his fucking FIANCE, is not only a renowned peacemaker in inane Ship wars, but is hailed as a Soothsayer of Ships for always correctly prophecizing "Ships that will Sail into the fucking Sunset', he is basically some minor god in the Hero fandom who is extorting excitement out of fic writers and fans alike so that 'the crime of incomplete fics' can be eradicated once and for all. And Deku's fucking commited to it.

(perhaps more commited to Ground Riot than his own betrothal because there isn't A SINGLE POST of ZEKU on his blog)

There's even a post where he answers an ask from anonymous. The question: "Are you also anti-Zeku? I have never seen you post anything related to that ship. Is it because you think it won't Sail?" And Deku answers shortly how he isn't explicitly Anti-Zeku, but doesn't like the idea of reading fanfics of that ship. He clearly witholds his opinion if the ship will sail or not. Katsuki also finds the chat which started all this shit.

Chat-

Hey! @allmight9000. I wanted to write a GroundRiot fic? Could you give me some inspiration?

Aww, sure! It's my favourite Ship tbh. I love GroundRiot. I have a whole gigabyte of inspirations in my laptop. I'll send you some when I get back home, okay?

Yup!!! I am actually a hardcore Zeku fan. But recently my friends got me into Ground Riot and I am addicted!! But Zeku will always have a special place in my heart <3

I see. :)

Do you wanna try it out? I know you mentioned you don't like it. But I know some REALLY good fics.

No thank you ^_^ I make it a point to not read those fics. I just can't visualize it working, you know?

Oh...np. Each to their own. But I really hope one day you try reading some if you can?

I don't think so ...😅...uh...but..Any preferences for your inspiration though? or genre youre interested in?

Fluffff!!

Haha, okay! Look out for the new post on my twitter!

YASSS!! Love ya!

You too!

Katsuki sees red, he's about to flip his shit when he decides to give Deku one LAST fucking chance to explain WHY THE FUCK is he promoting Ground Riot when he should be shipping Zeku and demands of him if he really wants their Fucking Ship To Sail Or Not.

Deku gets defensive and says of course he does. Katsuki asks why he has been trying to push him onto Eijirou all this time if he wasnt serious about it. Deku doesnt want to answer. Then Katsuki gets fruatrated and asks WHY the fuck didnt he post Zeku.

"Because I don't want to support it"

"We are literally fucking engaged, you moron. What the FUCK do you mean you don't support it?!"

"I support Us, Kacchan! I just don't wanna support Zeku-shippers! Those two things are different!"

"WHy dont you wanna support them?! tHere is No Difference!"

"There is! I am not obligated to do anything for you. But if I admit to shipping Zeku out loud to the shippers, then I'm obligated to post pictures of us and I know that if I start posting that then my blog will literally be a flood of just Us all over!!"

"What is WRONG with that?!!"

"WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE ENGAGED IN SECRET! NO ONE IS SUPPOSED TO KNOW! you said it yourself! That you don't like the useless yapping of reporters about your love-life where it isn't their business!"

"YEAH? WELL FUCK THAT!"

And Katsuki whips out his phone, takes a selfie of french kissing the hell out of Deku and immediately posts in on his twitter. Deku has hardly reeled back from that intense kiss when he realizes what Katsuki has done and he practically explodes in shame.

"Kacchan!! Our secret!"

"Your fucking fault, Deku. If I have to deal with the shitty extras at all, it better be for the right Ship, you dumbass. I'll punt you straight to China if I hear Ground Riot from your mouth ever again...capiche?"

"But I like Ground Riot...It's a valid ship, Kacchan. You cant diss on it just like that. It has wonderful scope, and the fluff in this ship is AMAZING. I think I have a soft spot for Uke!GZ and Soft!GZ now... and it is a really mutually productive ship unlike- hrmff!", Katsuki shuts him up with a smack to his mouth and sheds his shirt.

"Shut your mouth and strip, shitnerd. I'll fuck the Ground Riot out of you. Also, let's make this fucking clear that if you mention ANYTHING that goes anywhere near Eijirou's dick,ass, balls or mouth", Katsuki shivers, "then I'll wreck your dick, ass, balls and mouth. Remember that. Now STRIP"

"But what about platonically? That's a solid ship, right? Right, Kacchan? Also It doesn't mention Eijirou's- fuck!!!"

Deku gets wrecked thoroughly.

(Let's observe one moment of silence for his Shipping ass 🙏)

(r.i.p. Deku)

Katsuki later asks him why Deku doesn't read Zeku fics either, cause pretending to not like it to weasel out of obligation is fine, but it doesn't explain why he refuses fo read any either.

"A fic, especially the ones that I like, always are these perfect little stories which always have a happy ending. Can't help it, I'm weak to it, Kacchan- it's why I read fics at all, you know? For the rush of happiness and feels! It's always written with the intention that it will be perfect! And it is. But it doesn't come close to the real thing. There can be fics out there that come really close to what we really have though - but I refuse to accept that any fic could be better than the imperfectly perfect things I have with you, Kacchan. No matter what anyone insists, what I have with you is perfect to me. You are perfect to me. And that's all that matters."

Katsuki calls him an incorrigible sap and turns away to hide a violent flush that turns him red like a stop sign.

Omake:

Katsuki's #Zeku goes Viral too. But at this point no one understands what is going on or WHY. Because GZ appears to be a Zeku shipper when Deku is a GroundRiot shipper. Confusion abounds. Zac Efron memes agonize over Both ships, Captain America Japan Civil War Memes make a comeback. And for some reason, Deku keeps posting Ground Riot afterwards too and everytime he does, the next day he is seen limping.

"Did you have a hardtime with Zero-san at training yesterday?"

Before Deku can answer the one who asks him that, Eijirou comes up, winks and answers in his stead, "Very hard", and runs away to Mina's side before Deku has a shame-filled meltdown.

(The Ground Riot thing stops only when Mina and Eijirou get finally married.)

[jedifighterpilot2727]

The Rook Chapter 3

Alright, y'all, here it is! The grand finale!! (Though there may be an epilogue!)

I hope you enjoy!! (btw, comments and asks are my absolute life!)

The song for this is 'i hate u, i love u' by gnash ft. Olivia O'brien 

Oh, by the way, I sobbed writing this, so tissues are recommended.

        I Hate You (But I Love You)

She wakes on her office couch, the now empty bottle of Scotch beside her reminding her that her pounding head is her own fault. She refuses to open her eyes, even though the curtains are drawn and the room should be mostly dark.

She just wants to not think, about Kara, about Supergirl, about how stupid she was for not realizing that the woman she was in love with was hiding  a whole identity from her.

So, she lays there, pondering how long she can put off getting up before someone interrupts her relative peace.

Turns out the answer is about five minutes before the door to her office swings open.

“Come on, up and at ‘em. Early bird gets the worm, yada yada yada.”

“Ugh, Jess, no.” Even behind her closed eyelids, she can tell when Jess flips the light on and she groans, throwing her arm over her eyes.

“Nope, none of that! Come on, busy day ahead.”

Lena groans again but complies, shifting into a sitting position and blinking until her eyes adjust enough that she can see the aspirin and bottle of gatorade that Jess is holding out for her. She takes them gratefully, swallowing the pills and following them with a long, slow sip of the neon colored drink.

“Gotta say, boss, the drunk on a work night look does not work on you.”

“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind.”

“Good, cause we have a lot to do today.” She thrusts a small bag in Lena’s direction. “Here are some toiletries, there’s a dress that just came from back from dry cleaning in your closet, oh and be sure to wear some sunglasses to cover those bags under your eyes - I called the press so there’s going to be photographers.”

Lena looks up, pressing the cool bottle of gatorade to her forehead.

“Photographers? For what?”

“Oh, right, sorry, the plane for Metropolis leaves in . . . “ Jess checks her watch. “Two hours.”

“Metropolis? I’m not going to Metropolis!”

“Yes, you are, in two hours; so chop chop.”

“Jess, what are you doing?”

Much to her surprise, her assistant kneels down so she's at eye level.

“Look, Lena, you pay me a lot of money to know . . . well, everything. And we may not exactly be friends, but I care about you, and for the past few weeks you’ve been really . . . not yourself. And I’m not going to mention any names, but we both know why. You need some space, and you’re going to get it. For a month. In Metropolis.”

“A month?!”

“And, speaking of she who shall not be named, there’s quite a list of things that you’ve been meaning to do in Metropolis that you’ve been putting off because you didn’t want to leave her. Now is the perfect time to tie up all those loose ends. Plus, my mom has been begging me to come visit, so it works out great. Three birds, one stone.”

“You’re coming with me?”

“Of course, dummy, who else is going to keep you straight!” Jess frowns. “Well, not straight, cause you like the ladies, but you know what I mean. Now come on, we gotta go.”

Jess turns for the door, and Lena watches her, stunned for a moment before calling out.

“Hey, Jess?” she waits for Jess to look back at her before continuing. “Thanks.”

“No problem, boss. Oh, and you might wanna put your hair in a bun today, it looks kinda -“ She trails off, her hands making some sort of jazz hands gesture around her head that makes Lena laugh.

“Yeah, of course. Oh and Jess? Can you make sure the plane has some hashbrowns for the ride? Preferably smothered in gravy."

* - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Long story short, Jess is a genius.

For starters, the photos of Lena leaving her office and getting into the SUV for the airport are stunning. She looks hot, by any standard, regardless of the fact that the sunglasses covering her face are hiding blood shot eyes and there’s a gatorade and saltine crackers tucked into her purse. All that matters is that her wine colored dress has a plunging neckline and her matching lipstick is one of Kara’s favorite shades.

It doesn’t matter that she almost breaks down on the short ride to the airport, because the Page Six spread makes her look like she’s fine.

It’s a sort of evil satisfaction, knowing that Kara will see the photos and wonder why she’s so put together.

She only wishes she really was that put together, and that her heart didn’t feel like it was shattering into a million pieces as she watches National City fade from view out the plane window.

* - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Metropolis is . . . refreshing.

She doesn’t see Kara in her mind’s eye every time she walks down the street or steps into a restaurant. Everywhere isn’t tainted with the memory of the best friend she thought she knew like National City is. After a few days, she can actually breathe, she can actually exist for longer than an hour without thinking of Kara’s smile.

She works pretty much from the time her eyes open until the time she falls asleep; but the exhaustion is welcome. Jess was right, she did have a lot of things to take care of in Metropolis, which is why she’s surprised when Jess leaves a break in her schedule on a Tuesday afternoon.

“Jess?” She calls over the intercom. “What am I doing from 3-4?”

“Oh, sorry, I forgot to pencil it in. You have an appointment with Dr. Fowler.”

Lena frowns.

“A doctor’s appointment? It’s not time for my yearly.”

“Dr. Fowler is a psychiatrist.”

“I’m sorry?”

“Yeah, I scheduled you an appointment with her, thought it might help with your . . .  girl problems.”

“Jess, I don’t need a psychiatrist.”

“Ok, boss, noted. but it’s already booked and paid for, so you might as well go this first time.”

Unfortunately, Lena can’t find the logic to argue with her.

* - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

She sits on the comfortable chair in Dr. Fowler’s office, staring down the woman across from her.

She seems, nice, for a psychiatrist.

Her shoulder length brown hair is tucked behind her ears, and her gray suit is non-threatening. She has a kind face, Lena thinks, unable to think of anything negative. Still, she refuses to cave, and fixes her eyes on the clock above Dr. Fowler’s head.

“My assistant made me this appointment.” She says for explanation. “I don’t really need therapy, so I’m sorry to waste your time.”

“I don’t mind.” Dr, Fowler smiles. “We can always just talk. No therapy needed. Are you from Metropolis?”

Lena debates answering her, but common manners win out.

“Well, mother was from Ireland, originally, but that’s . . . “

“A story for a therapist.” Dr. Fowler guesses, and Lena nods.

“That’s fine, we don’t have to talk about it. What brings you to Metropolis? Business? Pleasure?”

“Business.” Lena answers immediately, but guilt creeps up her spine, and she adjusts her answer. “Well, sort of. I live in National City, but . . . well, my assistant thought I could use a break from some people there so she scheduled me some time away. L-Corp has offices in both cities, so it’s convenient.”

“Ah, L-Corp. I remember when you opened up a branch in National City. I thought you were just supposed to stay there for a few months to make sure that everything was going smoothly, what made you change your mind?”

Lena hesitates, unwilling to share more than she has to, but still, she is paying for this; she might as well see what crazy advice this sham has to offer.

“I met someone.” She explains. “A friend.”

“A friend?”

“Well, sort of.”

“Sort of? Do I sense gay drama?” Dr. Fowler’s eyes sparkle, and Lena’s gaze catches on a picture of Dr. Fowler with her arm around another woman, a yellow lab sitting in front of them.

Of course Jess would do her research.

“She’s like . . . sunshine personified.” Lena offers as explanation. “Or at least, she was. Now, I don’t know what she is.”

Dr. Fowler shifts in her chair.

“What’s changed?”

“She . . .” Lena hesitates, reluctant to rehash her heart break. “She lied; about who she is. It turns out that she has this whole other persona that she just . . . hid from me. And you know what the worst part is?” She laughs mirthlessly. “I was friends with the other persona! and she just lied to me! Over and over again! Like I’m some kind of fool! Because I’m the idiot who can’t figure out that Kara Danvers is Supergirl!”

Her eyes flash to Dr. Fowler at her accidental revelation, but the other woman just smiles.

“Everything you say here is confidential. The secret is safe with me.”

Lena nods softly, but it seems that once the dam is broken the flow of her words can’t be stopped.

“She lied to me. For three years! I had to learn the truth from my dying brother! And then when she finally got the guts to tell me, do you know what she said?”

Dr. Fowler shakes her head.

“She said she loved me. That she wanted us to be together. Do you know how long I’ve waited to hear that?!”

“For three years?” Dr. Fowler offers, and Lena chokes back a sob.

“I’ve been in love with her for so long! And she was just oblivious. I guess like I was oblivious about her being Supergirl. But then she just tells me that she loves me. In the same conversation that she tells me the truth.”

“I’m sure that must have been devastating.” Dr. Fowler comments quietly, and Lena sets her jaw.

“I don’t know how I feel about her anymore. I don’t know if I can trust her.”

“That’s fair, you deserve to feel that way.”

Something in Lena settles at that. Up until now, she’s been berating herself for her anger. Like she was wrong for thinking bad of the great Supergirl. But now, she feels validated.

“I bought a whole company for her, you know. . . “

* - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - The rest of her session with Dr. Fowler is cathartic, if only because she can finally air out feelings without fear of judgment, with someone who gives her constructive feedback.

On her way out, she checks in with the receptionist.

“Jess scheduled you for two sessions a week, your next appointment is Thursday at 2. Is that okay?”'

Lena can’t help but roll her eyes. She definitely owes Jess another raise.

“Sounds perfect.”

* - - - - - - - - - - - - -

It’s surprisingly hard for her to fall into her post Kara routine. More often than not, she finds herself looking for her best friend in her downtime.

Kara’s presence has become a staple in her life, and she can’t help but mourn the loss.

Even though she knows whatever dream she had of them is lost.

It’s infuriating.

The one time she gets attached to someone,  it backfires.

Dr. Fowler says that she has ‘abandonment issues’, but she doesn’t feel abandoned, just. . . lost.

Kara Danvers was her reason for existing for so long. The drive behind every decision she made.

She just wanted Kara to be happy, but it turns out that Kara is a completely different person than she thought.

Dr. Fowler challenges her, asks her how she feels about Supergirl, separate from Kara.

And honestly, she doesn’t know.

At first she felt like she had to like Supergirl, if only to combat her brother’s dangerous rhetoric with Superman.

But then . . . Supergirl was nice, and good, and she saved Lena’s life on numerous occasions.

Not to mention she was the most beautiful woman Lena had ever seen, minus Kara, of course.

Kara with her glasses and dorky blunders.

Though she supposes, now that she thinks about it, that those blunders come from less of a place of awkwardness and more from the place of an alien being unsure of earth customs. She finds it endearing, in a way that makes her uncomfortable, and Dr. Fowler smiles softly before letting the subject drop.

The good thing about being in Metropolis is that she doesn’t hear a single news story about Supergirl.

Superman, maybe, but Supergirl is noticeably absent.

It’s refreshing.

So it shocks her even more when she gets a surprise visitor.

“Ms. Luthor, I’m sorry, I tried to stop her, but she’s got a badge, and a gun, and I wasn’t sure if -“

Lena’s eyes settle on none other than Alex Danvers.

“It’s fine, Jess, don’t worry about it. “

Jess looks between them for a long moment before she heads back to her desk.

“Alex.” Lena says once Jess is through the door.

“Lena. Kara told me you know her secret.”

“Ahh, are you here to mock me?”

“Mock you?” Alex brow crinkles in a way that’s so much like Kara it almost hurts. “I’m not here to mock you, I’m here to see if you needed a friend. I know I’m not as close as you and Kara, but I thought I’d at least offer my support.”

“Support?”

Alex sighs heavily.

“Look, ever since I was 14, protecting Kara’s secret identity has been my main goal. My parents entrusted me with it, and . . .  I never really got over it.”

“She never lied to you about her secret identity though.” Lena scoffs.

“No.” Alex concedes. “But I lied to her about mine.”

Lena’s head snaps up, eyeing Alex like she’s the last oracle.

"For four years, I lied to her about my job. I told her I was involved in biomedical engineering, that I was a sales rep for some company when really I worked for the DEO.”

“The Department of Extranormal Operations.” Lena clarifies.

“Exactly, and I didn’t even tell her what I was doing, because I wanted to protect her.”

“That’s still not -“

“I shot her down,” Alex continues. “I shot her down with Kryptonite arrows. Because I didn’t trust anyone else to make the shot. I shot my own sister with the one thing that hurts her, when she thought I was a sales rep.”

“What’s your point, Alex?”

“My point is that sometimes we lie to the people we love because we think it will protect them, even if it ends up hurting them in the end.”

“So you side with her then.” Lena concludes.

“No, I don’t, I . . . look, as Supergirl’s protector, I’m glad she waited to tell you, because the less people who know, the better, it’s not even because you’re a Luthor, it’s just common sense. But as your friend. . . she was wrong not to tell you, and you deserved to know the truth. It’s not always black and white, sometimes good intentions make for bad actualities. I can understand why Kara didn’t tell you, and I can also understand why you’re upset. I’m just saying, sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to, sometimes we lie to the people we love and sometimes we think we know what’s best for them, even when we don't.

“But no matter what happens between you and my sister, just know that you’re still my friend, and I still support you. I know we’re not as close as you and Kara, but I’m here for you; if you need me. “

“You’re here for me?” Lena asks incredulously.

“I’m am, and I’m sorry you got the raw end of the stick. If it were anyone but Kara, I’d go beat her up for you. In fact, I have a red sun room for training, I still can if you really want me to.”

Lena’s voice breaks in a sob, and Alex stares at her strangely.

“Oh god, don’t cry. I don’t know what to do with criers, please don’t.” she holds out her arms and Lena collapses into them. “Do you want a hug? Will a hug help? I can do a hug.” She whispers as rock solid arms close around Lena.

Are both of the Danvers sisters jacked?

“Did you really shoot Kara down with Kryptonite arrows?” Lena hiccups.

“Yeah, I did. One of the biggest regrets of my life. Just like I’m sure not telling you the truth is one of Kara’s.”

“You’re her sister, you’re supposed to say that.”

“Look, maybe I am. But I don’t have to say this - stay mad for a while, she deserves it. But I hope to see you around soon, game night just isn’t the same without you.”

Lena wants to say more, but she doesn’t, letting Alex pull away.

“I couldn’t tell you the truth, because I’ve been protecting Kara since she was 13 years old. But that doesn’t mean you didn’t deserve to know the truth.”

“Easy for you to say. You were in on the secret.”

“I was.” Alex concedes. “And now you are too, what are you going to do with it?”

Lena doesn’t answer, and Alex backs away.

“I have to get back to National City, but call me when you come home, ok?”

Lena nods, even though she’s unsure of the details of her returning to National City.

She feels the warmth of Alex’s hug long after the other woman is gone.

* - - — - - - - - - - -

She stays in Metropolis for a month and a half, a fact she’s sure Jess and Dr. Fowler are conspiring together towards.

She can’t deny that she feels exceptionally better on the plane ride to National City than she did on her trip to Metropolis.

She hates to admit it, but therapy really has helped her, and she has Dr. Fowler’s number stored in her phone and ready for face time sessions.

She doesn’t exactly forgive Kara, but she maybe understands where she was coming from - even if she doesn’t agree with it.

Still, she doesn’t expect what she finds when she comes back to National City.

Supergirl is no where to be found.

According to all reports that she can find, Supergirl disappeared two weeks after she did. It makes sense, she supposes, but what she doesn’t understand is where Kara is now.

Lena's back now, so where is Supergirl?

She tempted to text Kara and ask, but she holds out, unwilling to give in like that. Curiosity isn’t enough to send her crawling back. The anger has faded, but the hurt still lingers. She misses the Kara that she used to know, but she still isn’t sure where she stands now.

A few days after she comes back, she meets Alex for lunch - at a craft beer bar, because Dr. Fowler says it’s important for her be around people who care and she figures Alex is the closest she’s got. But still, she refuses to ask about Kara, and Alex doesn’t offer any information; though she does insist on meeting up again soon.  

Despite the million other things she has to do, one question overtakes her mind.

Where is Kara?

A look at CatCo records reveals that she’s been clocking in to work as scheduled, so maybe the question she should really be asking is ‘where is Supergirl?’

Later, back at her apartment,  she pulls out the switch that Kara sent her and sets it on her coffee table. An hour of staring at it doesn’t give her anymore answers than she had before.

* - - - - - — - - - - -

She finally gets her answer a week later when a school bus is locked up in a battle  with a few aliens. The bus stop is on her walk to get coffee, so she gets an unintentional front row view.

Her mind is racing, trying to think of some way to help in this post-Supergirl world that they're apparently in.  Luckily the DEO vans show up just as she’s debating how weaponize a fire hydrant, and she breathes a sigh of relief.

She breathes an even bigger sigh when Supergirl shows up out of nowhere to join the fight, and all of National City + Lena is enthralled. Especially when she sees Kara’s new suit.

It’s an all blue, skin tight number that Lena definitely hasn’t seen before, and the missing skirt adds to the attractiveness.  

Unfortunately, it doesn’t do much to distract Lena from the fight, especially when Kara puts herself in unnecessary danger.

The anger she thought she was over is back, only this time, it’s for Kara.

How dare Supergirl put her friend in danger like that, by fighting that horribly! Her speed is definitely slowed, and some of her movements are jerky and uncoordinated. Frankly, she looks like a prize fighter that took an extended leave of absence and showed up to the championship match without even a warm-up.

Which, Lena supposes, is exactly what happened.

She holds her breath for what feels like hours, refusing to exhale until the hostile alien is deposited with the waiting DEO agents nearby and Kara is safely on the ground.

She knows the exact moment that Kara spots her, shoulders tensing and her forehead crinkling.

Grinding her teeth, she watches as Kara takes a tentative step in her direction.

“Kara."

“Lena, I -"

If Kara had gotten hurt because Supergirl was on some hare-brained, self righteous mission to just jump back into action without even making sure she’s ready, Lena’s going to . . .

Well, she doesn’t really know what she’s going to do.

In fact, she barely realizes she’s made a decision until her fist is halfway to Supergirl’s face.

Bad move.

Stupid brain.

Thankfully, Kara shifts with the punch, but it still feels like she laid a haymaker into a brick wall.

“Shit! Shit! Fuck!” she doubles over, clutching at her hand, but soft fingers pry her hands apart and cold air leaves a frosty mist over her bruised knuckles as Kara uses her freeze breath to soothe the sting.

“Nothing’s broken, thankfully. Damn it, Lena, you really could have hurt yourself, you have to be careful -“

“I have to be careful?! I have to be careful?! I’m not the one who’s going around fighting aliens when it looks like I barely remember how to fly!”

To her surprise, Kara actually looks remorseful.

“I tried, Lena, I tried so hard, not to be Supergirl, but I -“ she gestures at the school bus. “- the kids, Lena, I couldn’t let them die just because -“

Lena interrupts her.

“You tried to stop being Supergirl?” That would certainly explain things, but it’s a concept Lena has a hard time wrapping her head around. “Why?”

Even as she towers over Lena in her cape and boots, Kara still somehow looks so small.

“Because you hate Supergirl, and I didn’t want you to hate me. I thought maybe if I could stop being Supergirl then maybe - well, I don’t know what I thought, but . . .”

Kara continues to speak, but Lena stops listening.

Instead, her eyes settle on something glinting in the sunlight.

A white gold chain around Kara’s neck, the sapphire of the pendant nearly hidden in the blue of her suit.

Suddenly, everything is too much.

Horns are honking, people are talking, and there’s a stupid bird that just won’t SHUT UP. Almost before she can make out what’s happening, Lena finds herself at the brink of a panic attack.

“Kara,” she fights to stay upright, holding up  a hand to stop the flow of the other woman’s words. “Get me out of here.”

“What?”

“Get me out of here, please.”

“Where do you want to go?”

“Anywhere, please, just - “

Before she can blink, Kara’s scoops her up and they’re flying off. She has no idea where Kara is taking her, but it takes long enough that by the time they touch down, her panic attack is mostly over; Kara’s strong grip and the white noise of the wind working wonders.

They land on a deserted beach, and Lena looks out over the ocean for a long moment, trying to place where they are.

Until Kara clears her throat.

“Umm, should I like . . . put you down? I mean if you want me to hold you that’s fine, you’re really light, I just umm, well I didn’t know if you wanted to -“

“Kara.” she squeezes the shoulder under her hand, bringing the adorable rambling to a stop. “It’s fine, you can put me down, thank you.”

“Right, umm, here.” Kara bends, lowering her arm so that Lena’s feet can reach the ground, and she uses Kara’s for balance before stepping away.

“You know if I would have known it was really Kara Danvers holding me all those times you saved me, I would have enjoyed it a lot more.” Lena says without thinking, and Kara blushes all the way to the tips of her ears.

“Sorry!” she immediately backtracks. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that, it was just awkward, and I thought ‘why not make it more awkward?’”

“No, it’s fine! I mean I like holding you.”

The awkward tension lingers between them for a long moment before Lena breaks it, turning to stare out over the ocean. She waits until Kara steps up beside her to speak.

“Where are we?”

"Somewhere in the Caribbean? I don’t know the exact coordinates, just a little place I found when I was looking for a place to think and look at the stars after you . . . after you left.”

“It’s beautiful.” Lena observes, and she can feel Kara’s eyes studying her profile. After a moment, she turns to look at Kara too, taking in the face she used to know so well.

“You cut your bangs.” she finally says, and Kara blinks at her from beneath the fringe.

“Well, you said you hated my ‘stupid hair’, so . . . “ Kara shrugs, and Lena holds back a smile.

“Is that why you changed your suit too?”

“No!” Kara’s forehead crinkles. “Maybe. Yes. I just didn’t want you to hate me anymore.”

“I don’t hate you.”

“You hate Supergirl.” Kara counters.

Lena turns back to the ocean with a sigh.

“A while back, my therapist asked me how I felt about Supergirl, apart from you. And when she asked, I didn’t know what to say, because I wasn’t sure. But I’ve had some time to think about it, and I’ve come to some conclusions.”

She faces Kara before continuing.

“Supergirl is . . . she is kind, and she is good, and she's saved my life on numerous occasions. But she is also self-righteous, and arrogant, and stubborn - almost to the point of being foolhardy on occasion. . . She broke my heart once.”

Lena’s voice cracks, and her eyes fill with tears as Kara’s head drops to look at her boots.

“But she also made the decision to put on that suit and help people - people who don’t always deserve it - at great risk to herself. She could just hide away her powers and be a reporter and spend her Thursday nights playing scrabble with her friends instead of putting out factory fires. And I would love that person, because that person is enough. But instead she chooses to use her powers for good, she puts her life on the line to protect people. And for some reason she has this deeply rooted belief that people are good; even when I know for a fact that she’s seen some of the worst that humanity has to offer.”

“Lena -“

“Let me finish.” she says gently and Kara nods, tears streaking down her face.

“I don’t hate you, Kara. I could never hate you. And it’s taken a lot of therapy, and a lot of long talks with Alex, but . . .” She takes a moment to put her words in order.

“The way I see it, I have two options. I can move to a new city. I can work at a different office in a different state where nothing will be tainted with your memory and I can pretend like Kara Danvers never existed. But I don’t like that option.”

Kara’s face lightens marginally, but her eyes are still wary.

“What’s option two?”

“Option two is that I forgive you, and we start over. This time with no secrets - not about our identities, or our feelings, or our pasts. I want it all out on the table, and I want us to try. And it may not work and it won’t be easy, and I want you to see Dr. Fowler with me. But my heart has been shattered, regardless, and I can either fix it with you or without you, and I want to do it with you; because life is so much better with you in it. Even the bad parts.” The tears spill over now, and she chokes out a sob, Kara’s face crumpling.

“Lena, I am so sorry. And I never in a million years meant to hurt you. You’re my red sun. You make me feel so grounded, and home. And I realize now that I was using you as crutch to deal with this double life I lead, and I thought maybe somehow if I kept you separate then things would be different. But I was so wrong to do that to you. I should have told you the truth years ago, and I promise I will never keep secrets from you again. I will do whatever I have to, to make this work. I’ll go to therapy, I’ll communicate, I’ll literally fly to the moon if I have to.”

“Will you share your potstickers?” Lena can’t help asking, desperate to lighten the mood, if only for a second.

Kara sobs a laugh.

“You can have all the potstickers. I would never eat a potsticker again if it would make you happy. I would do anything you asked of me and not give it a second thought to show you how sorry I am.”

Lena studies her for long moment.

“Would you really give up being Supergirl for me?”

“Lena . . . I don’t think you understand. You’ve made me indestructible. Whatever weakness I still have under this yellow sun, you’ve come up with the technology to fix it. Nothing from earth can hurt me. But that day on the rooftop, when you walked away . . . it was like watching Krypton explode all over again. And there’s some sort of poetic justice about the person who made me indestructible also being the only one who can bring me to my knees. But would I give up Supergirl for you. I think showed today that I’m not very good at giving it up, but I would try again, for you.”

Lena can see the sincerity in her eyes, in the way that her arms are halfway outstretched as if just waiting for an invitation to pull Lena into a hug.

“I would never ask you to give up a part of who you are. In fact the reason that I was so upset when I found out was because you felt like you had to hide it from me in the first place. I want you to be yourself, and Supergirl is part of you; I just need you to share her with me.”

Kara nods slowly.

“I can do that.”

They stand there, staring at each other on the beach, the waves lapping against the shore, and for the first time since Lex told her the truth, Lena feels at peace.

“I know this is kind of awkward but . . . can I have a hug? I really missed your hugs.” Lena shifts awkwardly in the sand, but she shouldn’t have worried, because Kara’s eyes light up and her mouth twists into the soft smile that Lena loves so much.

“Of course, get in here, bring it in.” Kara’s arms widen even further, and she takes a step towards Lena before wrapping her up in a bear hug.

“I’ve missed you so much.” Kara whispers against her hair. “I was afraid that I’d never get you back.”

For a few long minutes, Lena just lets herself breathe, content in the way that Kara’s arms are just slightly too tight around her, her fingers clutching at Kara’s cape.

“It’s kind of weird, hugging you in the suit.” She says, finally breaking the silence.

“I can change?" Kara offers, starting to pull away, but Lena holds her in place.

“No, I wanna get used to it. I can’t limit my hug time to just when you’re not in the suit.”

Kara settles at that, and Lena waits another minute before she pulls away, unable to stop the smile that’s spreading across her face.

As much as it hurts, it’s good to have Kara back.

“So what now?” Kara asks, seemingly nervous in the aftermath of their hug.

“Now we’re going to get dinner. I’m picking,” she clarifies, “and paying, because it’s going to be fancy, and I’m going to make you eat vegetables.”

Kara’s nose scrunches.

“Fancy just means smaller portions.”

“Perks of being a billionaire, I can buy you as much food as you can eat.”

Kara’s nose stays scrunched, but she doesn’t complain further, so Lena continues.

“Then we’re going to talk, we’re going to lay everything out in the open, and we’re going to start this off right.”

“Your place? Or Mine?"

“Yours please, I left my NCU sweatshirt there last time I was over, and I want to get it back.”

“I’m sorry, your NCU sweatshirt?” Kara scoffs.

Lena raises an eyebrow.

“I went to NCU and I’m the one who bought that shirt!”

Lena’s eyebrow gets even closer to her hairline.

“You went to MIT!” Kara insists, and they face off for a moment before Kara finally caves.

“Fine, it’s your sweatshirt. That you sometimes let me borrow when it stops smelling like me and you don’t want to wear it anymore.”

Lena blushes at being caught in her scheme, and Kara grins.

“Ha! I knew it! It was always suspicious when it would randomly show back up.”

The glare Lena gives her is withering, but it does little to shrink Kara’s grin.

“Will you please take me home? Before I decide to add a plate of Brussel sprouts to our order just for you.”

“Geez, I was just joking, you didn’t have to bring Brussel sprouts into this!” Kara says with a laugh before stepping forward.

For the second time that day, Kara bends to scoop Lena up into her arms, but before she can, a thought strikes Lena and she taps Kara on the shoulder.

“Kara, before we go, I just have one more question.”

“Anything.”

“Why are you wearing the necklace?”

“Oh.” Kara’s hand reaches up to grip the pendant between her fingers. "That’s easy, because my best friend gave it to me, and then she disappeared, so this was the best way I had to keep her close.”

And Lena knows that they should probably take this slow, and they still have so much to talk about, but something about those blue eyes makes her lose all self control.

She leans forward, one hand  on Kara’s crest and the other on her cheek, and brings their lips together. She’s imagined kissing Kara more times than she’d like to admit, and she’s envisioned so many different possibilities for how it would be, but reality?

Reality is positively mind blowing.

For a moment, Kara seems stunned, but then she steps into the kiss; arms wrapping around Lena’s back and pulling her in.

It’s the best kiss of Lena’s entire existence, and as Kara’s lips move under hers, she can’t help but think that some things are worth fighting for, no matter the cost. Because not everyone is out to hurt her, and some people really do have good intentions -  at least that’s Dr. Fowler tells her. And maybe, she can start believing it too.

All too soon, Kara’s lips pull away, though her hands stay where they are - inching dangerously close to Lena’s backside.

“So just to clarify -“ Kara starts, and Lena takes a little pleasure in the way her cheeks are flushed and her breath is coming in puffs.

“Are we at the kissing stage now? Or this a one time thing? It’s cool either way, I just don’t want to overstep -“

“Kara Danvers!” Lena cuts her off with a laugh. “Shut up and kiss me.”

“Oh, wait, cause while we’re being open and honest -“

Lena’s heart rate spikes.

“- My real name is Kara Zor-El.”

“Zor-El, huh?”

Kara nods, a contented smile on her face.

“It sounds nice when you say it.”

“Well then, Kara Zor-el, shut up and kiss me."

And if she thought kissing Kara the first time was good, the second time?

Even better.

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

Unexpected Arrival -4

Pairing: Eventual Bucky x Reader, Possible Steve x Reader

Summary: As if working with the Avengers wasn’t exciting enough…. an unexpected visitor is about to change your life forever.

A/N: This part kinda took a little angsty turn! After the next chapter, there may be a little time jump.... i havent decided yet. Thank you to everyone who is reading/sharing, it means alot!

I was cleared by Bruce, as long as i promised to take it easy for a couple of days! Bucky walked with me back to the residential floor, Evie safely tucked into his right arm as i leant on his left for a bit of support.

"Hey Buck, lets just stop in the common room for a bit. I need to eat and not be stuck in a bed for a while"

"You sure? Bruce said to rest...."

"I'll be resting just fine on the sofa, while you make me a sandwich"

"Okay, deal" he chuckled shaking his head as we walked into the common room. I walked over to the sofa and gently lowered myself down, Bucky standing close by waiting for me to get comfortable.

"I'm not sure how much rest you'll get when the team realise you and Evie are in here" he said leaning forward to place Evie in my arms once he saw i was settled "what do you want on your sandwich doll?"

"I really dont mind, id eat anything im that hungry" i scoffed as i snuggled into the sofa with Evie laying on my chest.

"Well i'll be damned!!" Came the booming voice of Sam Wilson.

"Shhhhh she's sleeping bird brain!" Bucky snapped as he playfully shoved Sams shoulder.

"Sorry! I didnt know!" He mumbled as he walked over and sat across from me "i heard what happened but i thought they were all just messing with me!!"

"Nope its true, surprise huh?"

"Id say!! She's beautiful Y/N" Sam flashed a huge grin as he looked down at Evie.

"Thank you Sam" i smiled proudly and looked over to see Bucky keeping a close eye on us while he made my sandwich.

"What are you? The baby bodyguard?" Sam laughed teasing Bucky, Sam had obviously noticed that Bucky was keeping a close eye on us.

"Try the baby daddy!" Bucky replied with a dead straight face and murder in his eyes.

"What??!!" Sam practically squealed at Bucky's reply.

"Oh my god Buck.... did you really just say that?" I laughed at him, his eyes met mine and his facade broke as he burst out laughing "im sorry! I heard Tony say it yesterday" Bucky shrugged as he walked over with the plate holding my sandwich.

"Please don't ever say that again"

"Wait.... are you serious? Or are you fucking with me?? i honestly cant tell!"

Sam said shaking his head and looking super confused.

"Language! Don't swear around my daughter!" Bucky slapped Sam on the back of the head as he passed.

"Switch please" i smiled up at Bucky before taking the plate, once his hands were free he carefully picked up Evie and had her held against his chest in no time.

"Wow..... you’re like... good at the dad thing Buck" Sam said sounding surprised.

"I had younger sisters growing up, it was a long time ago but I'm pretty sure its still the same" he chuckled.

"Wait, how long have you two...."

"You can take this one Buck I'm eating" i said with a shit eating grin.

"Thanks Y/N" he rolled his eyes, looked at Sam and shrugged "it was one time, we're not together.... but we're in this together. Right doll?" He looked at me and smiled.

"Yep, what he said" i replied trying to keep my tone steady, it hurt a little hearing how casual he made it sound. It took me back to when he had acted like nothing had happened between us  after we finally slept together all those months ago.

"I cant believe y'all have a baby!"

"Neither can we!" I said around a mouthful of my sandwich "imagine my surprise when Bruce told me i didn't have stomach flu and that i was in fact in labour!"

"Thats crazy sweetheart"

"Sure was, scariest thing I've ever been through Sammy....And the pain.... nothing compares to that!"

"But it was worth it, look what you got out of it" Sam was hovering around Evie clearly wanting to hold her but Bucky wasn't parting with her just yet.

"She was worth every bit of the pain".

Later that afternoon I was walking back to the common room after taking a shower and getting into clean clothes, i stopped by the door when i heard Sam and Bucky talking in hushed voices.

"Oh come on man! These girls are hot! You cant pass that up!" Sam was saying to Bucky.

"I don't know Sam, i don't really think me going out on a date is a good idea right now"

"Why the hell not?? Just because you got a kid now? Im sure Evie wont mind"

"Y/N's been through a lot man, i just feel like i need to be here for her and Evie"

"Buck come onnnn! they will both probably be asleep by 7pm! the date is at 8, you dont need to stay that long..."

I couldn't believe what i was hearing! I pushed the door open making sure it was loud enough that they heard me. Both men turned to face me, Sam with a huge fake smile and Bucky just looked plain guilty.

"Sorry did i interrupt something?" I asked casually as i flipped on the kettle to make some tea.

"No doll of course not"

"I was just telling Bucky about a date i arranged for him.... a double date actually. I needed a wingman"

"Oh...."

"And I was just telling Sam that i didn't think it was a good idea. I thought it'd be best if i stayed here incase you and Evie needed me"

"If you wanna go Buck don't let us stop you" i snapped turning to face them "i'll be fine with Evie on my own"

"See! I told you she'd be cool!"

I was suddenly feeling so angry and on the verge of tears all at once! I just needed to get away from them, I walked over to Bucky and reached down taking Evie.

"She needs feeding" i said simply "go on your date Bucky" i mumbled as i turned around and headed for my room.

I was sat on my bed nursing Evie with tears running down my face when i heard the knock on my door. I chose to ignore it hoping that whoever it was would take the hint and leave me alone.

"Y/N.... doll i know you’re in there i can hear you" Steve called from outside making me sigh and wipe my tears away.

"Im just feeding Evie, i'll be out in a minute"

"Can i come in?.... i can tell you’re upset sweetheart"

"Im fine Steve..." i called back but burst into tears again. The next thing i know the door clicked open and Steve came in, he pushed the door closed behind him and locked it before rushing to my side. He sat next to me on my bed pulling me into him carefully while trying not to disrupt Evie's feeding.

"You wanna tell me whats wrong?" He asked quietly as he stroked my arm trying to calm me down.

"Im just a huge hormonal mess right now Steve" i mumbled not wanting to admit what had set me off "its been a lot to adjust to i guess and i think its all just catching up to me"

"You sure thats all? You know you can talk to me Y/N.... about anything"

"I know" i nodded "I'm not even sure why i got so upset.... not really"

"So something did upset you"

"It was stupid..... don't worry about it" i told him as i sat up seeing that Evie was done feeding, i held her blanket over my chest so i didn't expose myself to Steve.

"Could you take her for a second while i sort this out?"

"Sure" he nodded happily taking Evie.

I straightened out my shirt and settled back against the bed watching Steve burp Evie. His huge hand was rested against her chest supporting her chin and jaw, his free hand gently rubbing her back.

"How do you even know how to wind a baby Steve?" I asked curiously, he looked like a pro!

"I may have done some research" he blushed a little "i wanted to know what kinda stuff needed to be done so i could help out if you needed me to"

I was suddenly crying again!!

"Oh god.... what?? Why are you crying?"

He asked starting to panic.

"That was really thoughtful of you Steve!  I cant believe you went to that effort for us... for Evie"

"Of course i did, gotta be there for my favourite girls" he said smiling just as Evie let out a little burp making us both laugh, it was the cutest little sound!

"So why are you in here crying? Talk to me" Steve said a few minutes later.

"Steve...."

"Wouldn't have anything to do with whatever the hell Sam and Bucky were bickering over would it?"

"Probably" I nodded as i picked at a thread on the blanket avoiding looking at Steve "Sam arranged a date for Bucky. I heard them talking.... Bucky said he didn't think he should go considering I've just given birth to his daughter. He feels like he needs to be here incase we need him" i shrugged "i want him to want to be here for her, i don't want him to feel like he has to.... like she's a burden to his dating life" i admitted to Steve then started to laugh at how stupid i sounded "i sound fucking crazy i know!"

"No you don't"

"I told him to go, told him that he should go on his date.... not to let us stop him, that i would be fine on my own"

"But you don't want him to go on that date do you" It wasn't a question, it was Steve stating a fact.

"No..."

"Y/N, why don't you just tell him that?"

"Because i'll sound like a crazy woman!! he doesn't owe me anything Steve, he’s not my boyfriend.... we didn't plan this" i rambled on not even sure if i was making any sense at all "yes, we have a daughter together now but that doesn't mean he has to put his life on hold. If he wants to date who am i to stop him?"

"And what about your feelings for Bucky?"

"W..what?" I asked wide eyed, caught off guard by Steve's comment.

"Im not blind doll, i see the way you are with him... the way you look at him. You love him" Steve stated smiling "and that was before you had Evie!"

"I.... i dont... shit. So what if i do huh?? Steve, it doesnt change the fact that he doesnt feel the same way!"

"How do you know that? Have you asked him??"

"Of course i haven't asked him!! But he made it clear enough back in Alaska" i shrugged.

"What do you mean?"

"if you had finally slept with the woman you loved.... would you act like nothing happened the next day?? Act like everything was normal, ignore her even. Go on dates with other women...."

"I wouldn't no"

"Exactly! There's no point in me telling Bucky how i feel because i know he will never feel the same".

"Y/N...."

"Its fine, honestly. I'll be okay, its just the hormones.... I'm over reacting" i shrugged "please don't say anything to him Steve.... i know he’s your best friend but this stays between us".

"I wont, i promise" he smiled sadly as he held my hand bringing it up to place a kiss on the back of it.

"Thank you Steve".

[punkscowardschampions]

Sick Kids

ihatemyguts: Hey, who's about today? brainpain: 👀 brainpain: 👃 brainpain: 👅 ihatemyguts: Uncanny brainpain: I know ihatemyguts: Artistic endeavors keeping you busy? brainpain: [a selfie of her dramatic 🌈 makeup aesthetic] ihatemyguts: Okay but I'm gonna need a tutorial ihatemyguts: I never even mastered lipstick brainpain: I'll hook you up brainpain: check your private msgs ihatemyguts: 👍🙏 ihatemyguts: if my face is gonna be 🌚 from now on, it should really look pretty ihatemyguts: #juststeroidthings brainpain: it's a good face brainpain: + if I can rock a half shaved head with my brainpain: 👀 brainpain: 👃 brainpain: 👅 brainpain: not a time to still be alive brainpain: LMAO ihatemyguts: no doubt you rocked it so well everyone thought it was a choice brainpain: you gotta act like you're starting a 🌚 worshipping cult brainpain: I'll do a tutorial for that brainpain: full face of silver ihatemyguts: I can get down with that ihatemyguts: 🙌🌊🩸🐺🙌 ihatemyguts: am here on a bit of a recruitment mission, actually brainpain: my housemates & I are all synced 🩸 wise so you'd be doing me a favour, newbie brainpain: living battle royale over here brainpain: not trying to recruit you to fight to the death by my side though, we're good brainpain: what's the job? ihatemyguts: That sounds delightful, man ihatemyguts: also lowkey how has that never happened, not even with my ma ihatemyguts: clearly just that cold and standoffish she's like nah ihatemyguts: maybe I should wait 'til Zach is here too 'cos it was kinda his idea but if I give cred now, we're all good and I can take the blame if it's a big nope brainpain: you're still a 👶 not even gonna be synced with yourself yet brainpain: hold up I'll drag him by his curls brainpain: out there having a life like a real boy 😤 ihatemyguts: 😂 ihatemyguts: he'll get tricked into going to a weird Funland island and get turned into a donkey for his crimes, it's okay brainpain: sounds lit brainpain: [inandout has entered the chat] inandout: 🤥 ihatemyguts: How's your conscience? ihatemyguts: 🦗🦗🦗 inandout: 💎 clear ihatemyguts: 🤨 suspect inandout: you're not my wine mum inandout: or vodka aunt ihatemyguts: How rude ihatemyguts: Put some respect on your cult leader inandout: 🙇🙏 inandout: no food offerings ihatemyguts: safe bet gotspoons: 👋 I'm here! gotspoons: having a great day today, actually got energy, whaaaa?! 😲🤭 inandout: quick! float the idea while she's on cloud 9 gotspoons: You make me sound like an ogre, Zach 😜 gotspoons: what's going on? brainpain: Princess ogre ihatemyguts: Fiona ihatemyguts: v chic ihatemyguts: anyway, as we're all 👍 besides battle royale 🩸 ihatemyguts: we was thinking, and talking 'bout, a potential meetup ihatemyguts: thought we'd float it, see what y'all 💭 brainpain: I've got a 🍳 I'm 👍 + in ihatemyguts: which princess is that? one with crazy long hair, I 👀 it ihatemyguts: it could be cool, yeah? and why not, we'd have to make sure everyone who wants to can obvs or what's the point but apart from that brainpain: Princess me, unless the bleach makes it all fall out 😬 brainpain: [a very her style location] 📌🌎 inandout: we're not doing it there gotspoons: This is the problem, guys 😩 gotspoons: it would be really awesome but there is SO much planning you'd have to do to make it safe for everyone gotspoons: and picking a place for everyone that meets all the requirements inandout: we're willing to do all that inandout: planning + safety stuff ihatemyguts: totally ihatemyguts: like we could even go to a park or somewhere totally neutral ihatemyguts: or see if we can find some council-owned hall or something, 'cos places like that HAVE to be accessible ihatemyguts: I don't mind calling around and I bet Rich knows lots, and you will think of ALL the ways to keep EVERYONE safe and happy, right Rosie? brainpain: where I used to have support group would actually work brainpain: [a decent location that's like a community centre of something] ihatemyguts: 🙌 that looks legit ihatemyguts: if we explain what we're tryna do, bet they won't even charge us brainpain: I've got a hook up as ⭐ pupil brainpain: had my pick of those circle of chairs tigerbalm: 🙀🙀🙀🙀 tigerbalm: are we REALLY going to be able to meet up in person?! inandout: possibly gotspoons: How are we going to do this, IF we can gotspoons: you have to think about food and drink and seating and how we'd cover that, even if they did give us the venue for free inandout: I'm great with funds, it's assumed and expected gotspoons: but is that fair? gotspoons: I know some of us have none or very little inandout: I won't charge any of you a fee to come through the doors inandout: not that Jewish gotspoons: Oh, Zach! ihatemyguts: 🤑 is an accessibility issue, this should be a service, it should exist for free ihatemyguts: but it doesn't ihatemyguts: so if we can do this for ourselves, and offer it for free, for as little expense as possible ihatemyguts: maybe people will pull their finger out and consider actually doing their job ihatemyguts: you can write about it on your blog, get the word out brainpain: I'll fund-raise on stream, I've got your backs, nerds ihatemyguts: Right? High🖐 ihatemyguts: it's for US, so all of us that can, will put money into it ihatemyguts: no pressure on the ones that can't, fuck that, if anyone is gonna be that arsehole then they aren't welcome, yeah? tigerbalm: my parents have a people carrier, cos of course they do, but my creepy uncle won't be invited if any of y'all need rides ihatemyguts: 🤩🤩🤩 gotspoons: I'm going to do some research gotspoons: A LOT of research gotspoons: I would hate for anything to happen to anyone is this group tigerbalm: Where's Rich? tigerbalm: he would love to be on the front lines about this gotspoons: He would be a big help gotspoons: I feel like he had a uni thing today, an open day or something like that??? gotspoons: ugh my memory letting me down AS PER tigerbalm: how exciting! tigerbalm: I'll have to quiz him when he shows gotspoons: I know! gotspoons: He always checks in though, he'll be here later brainpain: Moving on, for those of us too brain damaged for further education gotspoons: 😔 brainpain: just me & my raging hormones LOL brainpain: he'll be such a happy nerd gotspoons: that's for sure gotspoons: he'll probably know so many answers to our questions already enablednotdisabled: I thought this group existed in lieu of an in-person group? brainpain: sup dude, it does enablednotdisabled: wouldn't it be potentially exclusionary to take this offline then? enablednotdisabled: realistically, there will be some of us who simply cannot get there inandout: if you wanna get there, we'll make it happen inandout: facetime you in if nothing else works enablednotdisabled: I'm not talking for myself, just others who might not feel confident enough to inandout: collective "you" inandout: we've all got phones enablednotdisabled: I just feel like this group can be quite us vs. them at times enablednotdisabled: hard to get heard if you aren't in the core group tigerbalm: There isn't a core group tigerbalm: everyone is listened to & respected enablednotdisabled: With all due respect, you are a part of it enablednotdisabled: so, of course, you feel that way enablednotdisabled: I'm not suggesting you can't break off and do your own thing, but the main chat of this forum that is meant to be for all of us, isn't the place for it brainpain: this group is what you make it, man brainpain: + the main chat brainpain: hit us with a topic you wanna talk about whenever inandout: it was brought up here so everyone knows they're invited ihatemyguts: I'm new and everyone I've found has been really receptive and welcoming to whatever I've had to say ihatemyguts: it sucks that you've not had that experience yourself but no one here is excluding you right now, least of all Robyn enablednotdisabled: There's a definite atmosphere here, whether you want to acknowledge it or not enablednotdisabled: the guidelines of what is expected and what is acceptable need to be clearer enablednotdisabled: and the moderators, who I've never actually witnessed in chat, should be quicker to put people on the right track, making this more therapeutic/beneficial to all, ban people if necessary brainpain: If you 🔎 hard enough for an atmosphere, it's findable brainpain: when you come in with a definite attitude of your own that's not gonna help none gotspoons: There's no need for us to have an argument, this is supposed to be a positive space gotspoons: if you have a complaint you'd like to make @enablednotdisabled, there is a link to contact the mods directly gotspoons: but I'd be happy to talk to you, privately if you'd prefer, and then we can take it from there? enablednotdisabled: I can handle my own complaints, thanks enablednotdisabled: and this isn't a positive space for me, and plenty other people I've talked to gotspoons: It hurts me to hear that, I'm really sorry and steps do need to be taken to attempt to rectify that then handicapable: I agree, it's cliquey here, unless you're one of the 'popular kids' or core group as @enablednotdisabled said, nobody cares handicapable: @ihatemyguts may be new but her finding a way in doesn't mean the walls aren't there for the rest of us handicapable: I barely log in any more gotspoons: Then let's tackle this culture head on gotspoons: do either of you have suggestions on how we could go about that, so I'm not dominating the conversation handicapable: You're not the one who dominates the conversation ihatemyguts: Don't think we need to @ people with specific comments like that ihatemyguts: not speaking for myself brainpain: @ me, baby brainpain: At least then I could defend myself brainpain: 🤐 though ihatemyguts: You've got the floor, like tigerbalm: It's not a safe space for Lauren if she can't say what she wants to say at risk of being accused of dominating the chat tigerbalm: either you want people to feel listened to or you don't ihatemyguts: And yeah, I am new, but I know Lauren, or anyone else in the chat rn, would not shoot you down if you wanted to change topic enablednotdisabled: It's about who always seems to be dictating the topic enablednotdisabled: we could change it, but then you feel like an interloper ihatemyguts: The conversation has to start somewhere, by someone ihatemyguts: @handicapable admitted to barely logging in now, of course the people who are here more will talk more, that's a given, it doesn't mean you're not allowed to contribute or come in to the convo ihatemyguts: there's no way to avoid that...prompts? mods only? that's not natural, or practical inandout: bible quotes inandout: 1 Peter 5:10 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Why are we quoting scripture? inandout: Lauren's been here for like 2 years but suddenly she's a disruptive force tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Well that's bullshit tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: unless you're a incel on her stream brainpain: you know me brainpain: how was your open day, babe? brainpain: (unless I'm a domineering b word for asking) tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Decent, despite the fact no one was expecting the wheelchair kid tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: despite the fact I called ahead tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: you can dominate me all you want but let me catch up with this apparent shitstorm I've missed brainpain: what a sexy proposition brainpain: I knew I'd missed you enablednotdisabled: Right, that's that conversation over then enablednotdisabled: 👌 brainpain: come on, man ihatemyguts: This is ridiculous ihatemyguts: people have formed meaningful relationships here, they're not allowed to acknowledge that in case someone feels left out, if you've talked to plenty of other people about the state of this forum, then clearly you've formed deeper bonds with them too ihatemyguts: no one here begrudges you that ihatemyguts: you're bound to get on with certain people over others, there's nothing discriminatory about that, it's to be expected tigerbalm: Like, are we supposed to take everything to PMs now? Cos I wanna hear about Rich's open day too but maybe he doesn't wanna type everything out to separate people lots of separate times ihatemyguts: ^You're just being rude, for the sake of it ihatemyguts: Rosie has offered to privately message about this, or you can put it all in an email to the mods tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Okay tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: literally, 'we' (I'll include myself in this core group that you see, even if I don't see that as a valid argument), have done nothing to you two, have never excluded either of you tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: everyone here is welcoming, and was welcoming you before your complaints tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: which aren't rooted in anything I can see as factual tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: what's the actual issue here? you're just hitting out buzzwords handicapable: and you're just jumping to the defence of the girl you like flirting with brainpain: Whoa now! That's not all I am in here tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: See, that's multiple times you've personally made jabs at Lauren tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: none of us have made any comments on you two personally tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: it seems like you're more cliquey than us if you can't see her as a valued member of the group brainpain: I'm not gonna leave cos you want on Rich for being hot af brainpain: shoutout to the new girl for letting that be known though tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Thank you, m'dear (somewhere between 🎩 and 🧢) tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: but thanks for implying I'm so desperate that I'd flirt with a girl I'd never seen before @handicapable tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: things are not quite that bad, I can assure you inandout: we're all that desperate, where have we heard that before? inandout: @normal people tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and we don't deserve any relationships that are deeper than strictly clinical and professional inandout: which is why we don't need to talk to any one person more than once tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Shout your grievances into the void and move on tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: but don't be too depressing about it ihatemyguts: This group doesn't work, you're right, just not for the reasons you're giving ihatemyguts: but we're all welcome to do what we must about making it work, even if I disagree with yours personally ihatemyguts: at least we try, and if you view us as an 'us' then you also view yourself as a group ihatemyguts: which isn't how I see it, or it's meant to be ihatemyguts: it's a group as a whole inandout: I wanted to organise a meet up to make things cooler inandout: sometimes you don't wanna shout shit into the void inandout: you wanna look someone in the eye when you're talking to them inandout: so you don't have to feel othered ihatemyguts: ^^ inandout: I get to do things with all my other friends inandout: that's what you guys are tigerbalm: I don't have other friends, I'm not saying it to make anyone 😿 tigerbalm: but I don't tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: you've got us tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and we don't need to apologize for being friends tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and I think meeting up is a really good idea, I'll be happy to help brainpain: It's okay, Robyn, none of us have done anything wrong gotspoons: I've contacted the moderators, I'll let you know when I get a response brainpain: I did too ✌️ gotspoons: Good, everyone who feels they need to, should gotspoons: I'm glad your open-day went well, Rich brainpain: me too, hot 🤓 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Thanks, guys tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: it's got potential tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: once I get there and make some changes, of course tigerbalm: 🙌 You go, Rich! 🧡 tigerbalm: not to use a banned word but you do inspire me for when I get to uni myself tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: We'll allow it, well I will because I love a compliment tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and you'll be great when you do tigerbalm: I hope my parents won't make me stay local tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: If you don't want to, you shouldn't tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: don't let anything stop you tigerbalm: I'll try not to tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: when you need them, I can throw all the resources and info at you tigerbalm: thanks brainpain: Can we talk about me now cos that's the ONLY reason I'm here LMAO ihatemyguts: @Zach, gonna come at her with your famous line? inandout: you've built it up now ihatemyguts: 🙄 ugh, baby inandout: are we at pet names? cool ihatemyguts: 😂 shut up ihatemyguts: but don't, all voices welcome inandout: yours is dragon ball z inandout: for today ihatemyguts: romantic ihatemyguts: we're meant to be talking about Lauren inandout: Lauren's is low blow ihatemyguts: got a real talent, kid ihatemyguts: may as well do the entire group inandout: wouldn't wanna exclude anyone ihatemyguts: 😏 ihatemyguts: no one will be devastated about that, trust me inandout: damn inandout: or dang ihatemyguts: is that another group rule I've shamelessly flouted? 😬 brainpain: It's a me rule, dragon ball brainpain: you're safe in this safe space ihatemyguts: I'll do my best to mind my Ps & Qs ihatemyguts: 🤞 brainpain: you're fine I'm just aware of my 👵 status brainpain: don't wanna spook the 👶s ihatemyguts: thoughtful ihatemyguts: 👌 brainpain: who knew? brainpain: check me out, not being a huge b word ihatemyguts: honestly, disappointing brainpain: @ my exes ihatemyguts: they aren't here, are they ihatemyguts: @fibro not included brainpain: only my next brainpain: when I snag Rich for myself brainpain: gotta tame that playboy ihatemyguts: so many 💔💔💔 @ this news brainpain: long as you're not brainpain: he's too old for you, babe tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I feel used tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and yes, much too 👴 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: be your ex-husband at this rate brainpain: I'm not gonna say, you can use me too, in front of the children brainpain: but mutual love & respect, boy tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Shocking behaviour, Mrs brainpain: asking for discipline would also be over the line, sir gotspoons: OKAY gotspoons: putting a stop to this convo thank you gotspoons: 😳 gotspoons: 😳 gotspoons: 😳 gotspoons: 😳 gotspoons: have I covered it? brainpain: g dang it, Rich! Have I not been involved in enough controversy for one day? brainpain: turn away from me, you sexy beast gotspoons: you're very cute but terrible gotspoons: ogre princess putting her foot down on this one tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I'll take the blame tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: rushing to your defense again brainpain: 😍 ihatemyguts: sure wish someone would run in and change the topic ihatemyguts: it's like mum and dad have had too much 🍷 inandout: could be a prime time for you to ask Robbie on your first date, dbz ihatemyguts: Oh yeah! 💡 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 💘 is in the air tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: careful, Zach ihatemyguts: Robyn, have you decided what you're gonna wear to your party yet? tigerbalm: I have a moodboard tigerbalm: would you like to see it? ihatemyguts: Um, absolutely tigerbalm: [that moodboard] ihatemyguts: So, you'd be up for going into town to try-on stuff, right? ihatemyguts: I can think of some shops with some unique stuff tigerbalm: 😺!!! ihatemyguts: Is that a yes 😺 or a I'm calling the police 😺? tigerbalm: I'd love to tigerbalm: my parents might call the police though ihatemyguts: that's alright, I've given you a fake name tigerbalm: they would think so tigerbalm: but their name choices are pretty boring ihatemyguts: at least you've got a super cute name ihatemyguts: if it'd make them feel better though, I'll come meet them or whatever tigerbalm: oh thanks x2 tigerbalm: that's so nice ihatemyguts: 'course ihatemyguts: who doesn't like shopping? inandout: I don't inandout: that much ihatemyguts: that'll be why you didn't ask yourself inandout: I would never third wheel your date inandout: very uncool ihatemyguts: well, if anyone does wanna come along, that'd be alright brainpain: happy to invite myself into any convo or situation ihatemyguts: 🤓 or 😎 ihatemyguts: you could do our makeup ihatemyguts: because not joking about the trainwreck it is when I do ihatemyguts: 🤡 not the theme brainpain: to avoid a spooky 🤡 resurge brainpain: I shall gotspoons: 😱😱😱😱 gotspoons: I hate clowns tigerbalm: SAME! my brothers love the 🤡🎈 films but I can't watch 🙀 gotspoons: Nooooooo gotspoons: even the advert was scary tigerbalm: ever since I went to the 🎪🐘🤡🍿 as a child I'm like traumatised inandout: once I got dragged along when my parents went shopping for a sofa and there was a clown there inandout: as a mascot or something gotspoons: 😭 THAT'S HORRIFYING inandout: fever dreams are made of this inandout: he kept trying to ruffle my hair ihatemyguts: definitely a bad omen ihatemyguts: that clown was there to warn you about...something inandout: I'm not classing it as a date though, you still get to go first inandout: the warning'll simply be my impending death ihatemyguts: your first bad omen ihatemyguts: n'awh inandout: cute, right? ihatemyguts: 🐭 🐹 🐰 inandout: 🐿🦔 ihatemyguts: 🦄 brainpain: sure, I'll chaperone you two brainpain: ✨ ihatemyguts: result brainpain: arms length, Zachary gotspoons: I feel like I'm on a dating site brainpain: there'd be way more fibros if we were gotspoons: I've never even attempted to date gotspoons: such a minefield brainpain: if you change your mind, I'll get my sister to list off which ones to avoid brainpain: she feeds me a new spooky story weekly gotspoons: see, it's bad enough without the added 'who I am' drama brainpain: get yourself a love interest with more 🚑💊💉 drama than you, that's what I do brainpain: you're the chill one by comparison gotspoons: Rich is still here lurking, you know 🤭 brainpain: he knows what we have is deep + meaningful tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 👌 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: very serious brainpain: I'm coaching Rosie for her first venture into dating not discussing our lengthy but ultimately doomed love affair tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: doomed because 💀💀 or doomed because someone will join the group with ultimate 🚑💊💉 drama and better hair? brainpain: @Zach with that death clock bs brainpain: doomed cos you'll meet a hot 🤓 at uni brainpain: nobody has better hair than either of us tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Okay then, I won't be pre-offended and call you out on that nonsense brainpain: that isn't a promise that you'll still have time for me brainpain: we're all waiting, Rich tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: depends how hot and how nerdy this university girl is, of course brainpain: Profess your undying love for me or get out, honestly tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 😏 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Rosie will shut it down again brainpain: 😉 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: She's a hater 💔 gotspoons: 😱 Rich! gotspoons: I'm very supportive brainpain: LOL gotspoons: 😥 gotspoons: I love love brainpain: you're a 🧸 brainpain: I love you, Rosemary brainpain: feel free to ignore my husband gotspoons: I ❤️ 🧡 💛 💚 💙 💜 you all too gotspoons: even if you test my nerves sometimes, it's only in a good way 😅 tigerbalm: So, if one of us had  a 'normal' crush, would that be doomed? tigerbalm: asking for a friend 😳 gotspoons: OF COURSE NOT gotspoons: you're beautiful gotspoons: spill spill! tigerbalm: there isn't much to say except his running route goes past my house tigerbalm: we've 👋 at each other but no conversation has happened gotspoons: HOW EXCITING ihatemyguts: You've gotta talk to him ihatemyguts: such a meet-cute tigerbalm: I have no idea what I would say ihatemyguts: a hello to go with the 👋 to start ihatemyguts: you'll know what to do tigerbalm: a 'how are you?' to follow but what then? ihatemyguts: something like...you run this route often? ihatemyguts: do you run anywhere else? ihatemyguts: are you single? tigerbalm: 🐱 gotspoons: Oh! gotspoons: What does he look like? gotspoons: Can you take a picture? gotspoons: No, perhaps not gotspoons: I've got snap happy now 😅 tigerbalm: I'll try if I can do it without anyone else noticing tigerbalm: it's okay if my cat judges me, but no humans tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I cannot officially endorse this behaviour, ladies tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: but I'm sure he would be very flattered and consider himself lucky, Robyn tigerbalm: Oh Rich, you're such a big softie 😸 brainpain: LMAO brainpain: forget the boy, I want pics of your cat tigerbalm: [cat pics] 🧡 inandout: that is a potentially judgemental looking moggy, be careful tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: girl or boy? tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: he or she is very distinguished looking, I feel tigerbalm: me & my mum were feeling outnumbered, so she got adopted too tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: fight the power ✊ tigerbalm: I have rabbits too but they would probably encourage me, they're pretty naughty tigerbalm: for fairness tigerbalm: [rabbit pics] brainpain: I had 🐭🐭 as a kid brainpain: LOVED those critters brainpain: [picture of kiddo Lauren with mice on her shoulders] ihatemyguts: I wish I was allowed pets with fur ihatemyguts: scales only inandout: I'm not either inandout: my brother's allergic ihatemyguts: maybe we have the same brother ihatemyguts: slightly concerned now inandout: yours isn't as old as mine, we know that inandout: unless some kind of freaky time loop or something has happened ihatemyguts: I'm you in a parallel universe inandout: before I agree to co-sign, do you have any pets with scales? ihatemyguts: 🐉 🐲 inandout: cool inandout: I accept our parallel lives ihatemyguts: [pics of your dragons 'cos probably have one each lowkey] inandout: if I'm the only petless one in the "core" I will have to hang my head ihatemyguts: you can have joint custody ihatemyguts: don't worry inandout: pet names + a pet share? What a day ihatemyguts: v generous inandout: I'm making that discovery ihatemyguts: 🎁🔍 inandout: I wish we were doing a treasure hunt inandout: that's gonna be date 4 ihatemyguts: challenge accepted ihatemyguts: you gotta find the treasure outside then rehide it though ihatemyguts: more fun inandout: rules accepted ihatemyguts: if you happen to find 💰💎🏺🧭🔮🧿📿 then we'll bury it inandout: what happens if I find a 🗝? ihatemyguts: #5 finding the 🚪 or 🔓 it fits brainpain: Wait, how many dates am I chaperoning you 👶🤓s for? brainpain: gotta find a ✏️ to write this down ihatemyguts: technically, Zach wants to wait 'til he's not 🔞 ihatemyguts: unless you're well dedicated to protect and serve ihatemyguts: also plenty of time to lose that 📄 inandout: don't listen to her, the first date is Robbie's party and we've all 📅 ihatemyguts: might be a double date ihatemyguts: 💃🏃 tigerbalm: I'm so happy that you're both coming! tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Of course they're not missing the event of the season tigerbalm: 😸😺 tigerbalm: I better plan some more tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: It is your forte tigerbalm: compliments are yours tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: and hair tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: humility, less so brainpain: I can vouch for that being why we're soulmates tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: it's the way you can dominate a conversation tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: like a girl with something to say brainpain: 😏 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Tease brainpain: you'd be into it if I were tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: now she speaks 🤫 tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: If Rosie isn't sleeping she'll be 😖 brainpain: I know how to behave, you're the bad influence here tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Gladly take that reputation tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: much worse could be said about me brainpain: catch that 2nd wave of drama when the haters log back in tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: I hope so brainpain: only cos you missed the kick off tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: Not taking politics for nothing brainpain: they can 🔫 @ me if it means you get your 🎓 babe tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: long as I can 🛡 without being fibro about it brainpain: you did tooexhaustedtolivevicariously: 👍 gotspoons: I was thinking gotspoons: maybe if we make more boards for specific topics, that would be better? gotspoons: then the chat could be just that, a casual chat that isn't necessarily disability related but us related, as people gotspoons: what do you guys think? brainpain: I'm in inandout: me too inandout: I was gonna make a similar suggestion but it was my last idea that started everything earlier gotspoons: It's not your fault, Zach gotspoons: I just need to do some admin, update the site tigerbalm: I can help if you need any gotspoons: Thanks, Robbie

[seenashwrite]

(1/2)I've completely lost my ability to focus right now, except for hearing Dean saying, "You're awesome, sweetheart," on a loop. I've reread your many treatises on the subject, finally finding the one where someone asked you, "If not sweetheart, then what?" You seemed to believe that he would use "baby" or "sweetiepie" because of his love of his car and pie. I would object to both of these, because I believe that, for him, both Baby and Pie are proper names. (Brother and Angel similarly so, but

Cursing my name? For reals!? 

Nah, I kid. I know it’s not hate. And I do apologize, RE: that first part - I obviously was not clear, that’s on me. ‘Cause those ain’t my recommendations. Noooo.

I wanted to convey that it was interesting to me how, putting aside that he only uses “sweetheart” sincerely for Baby & Colt, even if he was using it as an endearment for, um, living things of a twue lurve nature, well….

Dude don’t use it all that often. Not when we compare it to things he no doubt, balls-to-the-wall loves, such as the Impala and pie [and alcohol, but “my lil’ whiskey sour” don’t quite do it for tinglin’ the nethers]. Thus, it got a raised eyebrow from me, how people don’t seem to have the knee-jerk of “sweetiepie” or “babydoll”, derivatives of things he does talk about/refer to adoringly on the reg. Tell me if that’s not making sense, I’ll work on phrasing it better.

Now, having said that - imagining either of those coming out of Dean’s mouth makes me wanna throw up, go eat, throw that up, then mainline Pepto so I can do it all over again til the thought is purged from my person.

All right. Let’s build a profile on Dean’s behavior & verbiage with legitimate love interests, based on what we know from canon, then see if we can’t drill down on a plausible nickname or two.

On an aside, I titled the document containing the draft of what’s below  “Endeanments” and I hate myself.

Here’s how this breaks down in my head, so that’s how it’s laid out below. Should the Mrs. or anyone reading this wanna skip ahead, you do you. Scroll til you see the heading.

I. Thing Of The First: What Do We Want & What Do We KnowII. Which Romantic Interests Do We Focus On?III. What Are We Looking For & When We Find It, What Do We Do?IV. What Else Do We Have At Our Disposal To Flesh Out Our Profile Of “Dean In Love"’s Verbiage?V. Thing Of The Second: Nash On Nicknames/Endearments For Unnamed Characters -  A.K.A.: Where I’m coming from on this, just so’s y’all can do the whole “Consider the source” thingVI. What Has Worked In The Nashhole Writing RoomVII. Thoughts On The Examples Given In The Ask VIII. Nash’s Three Key Pieces Of Advice For Pulling This Off

And Before We Get Cranking, RE: That Other Post

So here’s the meat & potatoes of what I said when somebody asked my thoughts on what Dean would use as a genuine term of endearment:

I’d bet money that for the actual contenders [both the ones I haven’t yet researched & the nonexistents/potential true loves/soulmates/blahblahblahs], they’d most assuredly be friends first, they will not be a hunter [not a hunter proper, at least, though knowledge of is not a deal-breaker], and any endearment is gonna be something that’s a riff on their name [a la “Sammy” or “Cas”] or related to a specific situation….. she knocks over the sugar bowl, so she’s “Sugar” until enough glares shut that shit down…. things like that.  

I. Thing Of The First: What Do We Want & What Do We Know

This whole shebang is based upon the premise that an author gives a shit about accurate characterization of Dean within the context of a legit romantic relationship. 

We gotta have a profile in mind regarding the broad strokes of what this chick would be like if our writing of his behavior/the things he says - such as, ta-da! an endearment - is gonna ring true.

All we can know is what’s in canon, and bless the wiki and all their transcripts because no one has to re-watch all the seasons to answer this. #hallelujah  

II. Which Romantic Interests Do We Focus On?

The bed-‘em-and-book-it chicks are ruled out, see above, RE: legit love premise.

In the draft of the answer to the other Q that’s referenced in the Q linked above, I have it fleshed out more than I do here - although it’s not completely episode/quote-by-quote sourced - so if y'all wanna know the reasoning behind why I deem these four and only these four ladies of the “legit, Dean was really into them/this had the potential for true love” category, I can share it, but I can’t promise when.

I have no idea if he had an endearment for any or all of these ladies, is my point, y'all feel free to do the deep dive in that respect, 

----> ETA later: We did the deep dive. He called Lisa “Honey” when she was dying; unrelated but kind’ve, when he was pretending to be Bela’s husband and she fake-choked on shellfish (also “dying”), he called her “Honey”, too. There ya go.

I stand by these chosen few and the order in which I’ve placed them, the reasons why have to do with character autopsies I do/have done for my big story, ergo would have to be another post or fourteen. Moving on.

Here’s my ranking for “Legit, Dean Totes Felt Something” characters:

4. Jo3. Cassie2. Lisa1. Carmen

All of these ladies, no matter if nothing ever got off the ground [Jo] to the what-might-have-been [Cassie] to the long-term relationship [Lisa] to the dream ideal [Carmen] have some stark, can’t-miss-‘em, key characteristics in common  [intelligent, mature, value family, etc.] but I won’t go into that here. 

They’re as solid a guide as we’ve got right now, and not just for doing this nickname postulation exercise - I’d also recommend peeps who wanna reeeeeally drill down on an O/C love for Dean to utilize these characters as a jumping off point. R/Is are, of course, going to be [::coughs:: should be] more nebulous in their attributes.

Take home message is that he had a great deal of respect for all of them, so anything that would have to depend on tone because it walks a fine line, you may wanna axe it from the list as an everyday sub for their name.

III. What Are We Looking For & When We Find It, What Do We Do?

You are looking for any nicknames/endearments he assigned to them.

If he did use an endearment with them, do the following:

(1) Which of those 4 is your Dean love interest most like?

(2) Picture Dean calling your character whatever endearment he called them

(3) How’d that work out for you?

And if not, to speculate upon what he would say….. guess what?

(1) Which of those 4 is your Dean love interest most like?

(2) Picture Dean calling them whatever endearment you’ve chosen

(3) How’d that work out for you?

That is your litmus test. Wash, rinse repeat.

IV. What Else Do We Have At Our Disposal To Flesh Out Our Profile Of “Dean In Love"’s Verbiage?

Plenty.

We’ve got the ability to make the profile more robust because of the cooooooooopious amount of evidence on the flip side, what he zeroes in on with the bed-’em-and-book-it type of gal, what his verbiage is like with them, the peeps he doesn’t intend on keeping around for long. 

Bonus: that recent ep of what he was like under a love spell. Take what we saw, scale down the intensity, fiddle with it where appropriate - meaning, ‘86 anything that was alike in all the men they charmed, as that isn’t evidence of “Dean In Love” coming to the surface, it’s evidence of the spell’s structure so as to elicit specific behaviors in victims.

Second thing you can look at in terms of nicknaming habits are people for whom he has no romantic inclinations. The easiest cases in point being Sam and Castiel, a.k.a. Sammy and Cas. Off the top of my head, for whatever reason, I recall him calling Gadreel “Zeke” prior to the stolen identity reveal.

So Dean’s a “-y” adder and a name-shortener, consistently with Sam and Castiel, however many times with Ezekiel/Gadreel, and there’s likely more examples, godspeed on that research journey, I ain’t your girl.

I am also 100% - and I know y’all are, too - that he’s a biiiiiiig proponent of situational nicknaming, and while it’s usually snark [think “Batman” for himself, “Harry Potter” for Mick, etc.] it still goes to pattern. I’ve got so many of these in the CASPN decks, it’s unreal, and maaany, possibly most, of them - as noted just now - are TV/movie/music/book-related. [I know this because I’m trying to pull them out as I go to stick them in their own “Deanisms” deck, because if the decks ever go “public” for sale, they can’t have copyrighted content in them]

Again: here we’re looking at a broad stroke in his verbiage, to get a feel of his go-tos, his habits in what he calls others.

V. Thing Of The Second: Nash On Nicknames/Endearments For Unnamed Characters -  A.K.A.: Where I’m coming from on this, just so’s y’all can do the whole “Consider the source” thing

I don’t lean into the whole nickname thing. It’s not a purposeful effort, as in, I’m policing myself or when I edit I’m taking them out. It’s just not a reflexive brain-to-keyboard thing for me. I don’t often have characters calling each other by name/nickname/endearment, particularly when it’s just 2 people in a convo, unless it’s a heated convo, a la “DAMMIT NASH!” and “EAT ME, SHITBIRD!”

Longer the fic, trickier this gets. Somebody’s gonna have to address our nameless-faceless protag at some point, and as has been established copiously during my tenure in this fandom, I hope Y/N and her pouty, lip-nibbling, everything-she-does-including-fart-is-done-softly self would die in a fire, ceiling optional, so believe me: I *do* co-sign substitute monikers.

It’s too far to scroll up, here’s what I said about his nicknaming pattern —>

and any endearment is gonna be something that’s a riff on their name [a la “Sammy” or “Cas”] or related to a specific situation….. she knocks over the sugar bowl, so she’s “Sugar” until enough glares shut that shit down…. things like that. 

We talked above about him riffing on the person’s name. The situational thing I mentioned - I’ll tell y’all what I did for this, RE: the sticky wicket of when it’s a mini-series/series. [Personally? I think most one-shots can dodge this issue altogether, though certainly YMMV]

VI. What Has Worked In The Nashhole Writing Room

Now, I haaaaated writing the smut thing of mine when I lost a bet, so I plotted it to hell to keep my sanity, and it expanded to 5 g.d. parts. The smut part of it is *riddled* with the tripest tropes that ever troped [part of said bet’s terms], so I’m talking about the story part of it here. 

Dean and the protag had a touch-and-go, volatile sitch going on for the bulk of it, ergo chances high due to intense emotions that somebody at some point was gonna have to address each other in at least a tense manner, if not one of anger.

And she was tough as nails, a sniper called in to assist them on a hunt, and she would’ve ended him if he dared call her anything even in the realm of too cutesy-shmoopsy on the reg. It would be in conflict with what I’d built her up to be, bottom line, and likely suck the readers out of the story. 

Here’s the dodge I came up with, keeping in mind the situation is she’s a sniper:

“So, we have a decision to make,” Dean said through a partially chewed bite of his burger.

Was he actively trying to be gross? He thankfully swallowed before continuing.

“I’m not in the mood to drive all the way back to Jody’s, then have to share a bed with Sam in her guest room,” Dean began.

Okay. He was talking to me.

“I think the best thing to do is head to the bunker—”

I looked to him, aghast.

“—and we’ve got plenty of room, we can pick up a toothbrush for you when we stop to fill up—”

Did he not notice the big black bulky thing I’d thrown in the back floorboard when they picked me up? I was never not prepared. There was already a toothbrush in my backpack. And a change of clothes.

And a Glock.

“—then we’ll all be fresh daisies, get you home tomorrow. Whaddya say, Snipes?”

Oh god. He’d nicknamed me. Had my letting him win a staring contest actually infused him with enough bravado to try and make friends? Convince me to stay in what Jody had described as essentially a really large basement?

They end up in love - but the sub for her name isn’t lovey-dovey, and it doesn’t have to be, the dynamic between them is vastly more important [more on that later]. 

In another one in the ol’ draft folder - and it’s not a romantic dynamic, but the nickname dodge happens because she’s unnamed - here’s how that’s gonna work. In an earlier scene, it’s mentioned that Dean was giving her a hard time via the Patsy Cline song “I Fall To Pieces” [spoiler alert: it’s the story based upon THIS thing, you’re smart cookies, you’ll get the reasoning behind it]

And you’d remember. It’s not something you’d forget. I know this because no one else has. Dean still calls me “Cline” - let me rephrase - he bellows it, with glee and snort-laughs, though I suppose there’s worse things to be called. He’s called me those, too, over the years, he doesn’t disappoint. And Sam still narrows his eyes at left my knee, watches my gait for any unevenness or wobbles, and it doesn’t matter what I say, he’ll believe he messed up the articulation til the end of days.

Tangentially-related, in “Build Me Up, Buttercup” - the nutty AU-ish thing that actually started because I was riffing on the sweetheart situation and it mutated - there’s a chunk of conversation between The Woman In Black/The Masked Vampirate/The Apprentice [—-> hint, hint, hint: we *can* refer to folks without using a name/nickname] and Dean on this very topic, of what we call others in lieu of their given names. Mini-spoiler: Even though she’s written 3rd person O/C, and even though she does end up as someone’s love interest, you’re never gonna know her name.

Not spoilers, because these stories are already “out there”, you also never learned/will never learn the names of the chicks in Hello, I’m Gone; The Lore You Know; It; The Once Demon Barber From Robintree; A Delicate Desiccation; The Bell-Watcher’s Daughter; A Fluff By Any Other Name; and who friggin’ knows what-all in the stack of quickies I’ve accumulated.

VII. Thoughts On The Examples Given In The Ask

Back to what you said….. and shit, Imma c/p it here, if anybody’s made it this damn far, I won’t ask they scroll up: 

All right, in no particular order, just as things hit me…..

It’s about 7:30 a.m. here in Nashland, this is rotten and off the top of my head, but I could totes picture seeing pumpkin in a Halloween fluff, like - something happens with a pumpkin, it’s dropped or she slices open her hand trying to carve it, is like “[something something] and don’t start calling me pumpkin” and he’s like “Nah…. Punk.” ‘Cause, again - he loves a situational riff & he’s a shortener.

Agreed on princess, I co-sign your gut, he’d say it sneery/as a cut-down on someone who’s afraid to dig in, get a little dirt in the skirt on a hunt or something.

Darlin’ is tricky, because Dean’s not Southern/doesn’t have a drawl unless a touch of Jensen slips out…. and honestly, he’s not got much of an accent from what I’ve heard, though remember that’s going through a Dixieland filter, so consider the source. Might I offer a sub for it? See how “doll” works.

Well, honey’s hitting closer to sounding like him. I’d go “hon”, though, RE: being a shortener. “Hey, hon?” is more casual than “Honey”, and “Honey” also might run the risk of popping a reader back to… [forgive the Rocket inclusion]: 

Full quote is “Honey, there ain’t no other men like me.”, but y’all knew that. It’s not on the OH HELL NO list for me, Honey/Hon’s definitely a contender.

But speaking of pinging my “OH HELL NO” radar - 

[gasps] Oh, Whoozies…. oh my Whatsis…. sugarplum?

[shakes head vehemently] 

* UNLESS* Y/N is a violet-hued fairy in ballet slippers, and they are battling a baby-chomping sentient Nutcracker. But even then, he’d call her ‘Plums.

Sweetie… hmmmm….. you know what might be worth a go? “Sweets”. I could hear “Hey, Sweets” coming out of his mouth. If you could figure a way to make it a lesser of two evils, that’s even better, like…. he pats her on the ass and calls her “sweetcheeks” and she’s all “Oh, but no”, so he downshifts to “sweets”.

“Puddin’“….. erm….. My knee-jerk is no. If it were suuuuper situational, perhaps. I’m drawing a blank on what the situation would be, though, because my mind immediately pops to that episode at the spa…. I just….

I’m hearing it in my mind as if somebody was writing a story where it’s basically a re-hash of that episode - Oh but (tee-hee) this time Y/N got the roofied pudding, and now Dean’s gonna drive her nuts never letting her forget it! Tune in for next week’s episode of Supernatural, guest starring Ordinary McTypical-Chick as Puddin’! [/announcer voice] [cue laugh track], and then I’m all……

 Round up on the “Give ‘Er A Try” list:

Honey —> sure why not; “hon” may be better

Sweetie —> ehhhh, probably situational; “sweets” could be worth a try

Pumpkin —-> sooooo situational; and if go there, would 100% roll it into “punk”

Darlin’ —> ehhhh; “doll” suggested sub

….and wasn’t mentioned, but unless it works your personal nerves, from my POV, “babe” doesn’t pull me out of the story if it sneaks into Dean’s dialogue, a la “Hey, babe? You already toss some shells into the trunk?” 

Nash’s Three Key Pieces Of Advice For Pulling This Off

1. Who is this person on the receiving end of the nickname - know this, and it’ll narrow down your choices;

2. Do it like Dean: if they have a name, go “-y” or shorten it, or take a situation/circumstance and spin it;

and, possibly the most important -

3. Limit, limit, limit

Make your own parameters for amount of times this is happening in a given piece. I’m just throwing #s - like, = 500 = 0,  501 - 1K = 1, 1.1K - 2.5K = 2, something like that. Take away the pressure of it by making “rules” and you’re free to get your brain back to the story.

Because here it is, y’all - and I’ve said this in other posts - the best thing you can do for yourself or for those you beta is to stop after every scene or paragraph or page or “x” amount of words, whatever your pref is, and ask yourself about what you’ve just read/written:

Who cares?  - A.K.A.: Is ____ advancing the plot/the interpersonal dynamics, or not?

Regarding non-nickname stuff: Does it matter that we know about her morning routine? That she had oatmeal because she was out of bagels? The make and model of her car? Her co-workers’ names? Her co-workers at all? What her cat is like? What her cat is named? Her cat at all?

And the same applies here: Does an endearment matter in this particular sentence/moment? I care about the relationships between/amongst the characters, how well they’re grooving with each other [or not], how that weaves together, how it’s integral to the plot, how it impacts the action/the task, how it plays into the climax and resolution [or lack thereof].

Is it ideal to have things coming out of the mouths of the characters we all know ring true? Absolutely. And that’s the other “who cares” here: BIG cares if things that are “un-Dean” creep in. As the adage goes: “When in doubt, don’t”.

So, when stuck on this element, figure out something else to do with the sentence…. and I’d start with 86′ing the nickname. Bet you money most of the time, the message of the sentence will read exactly the same.

You got this. 

Thanks for the Q, hope I helped in some fashion and that the curses either wane, or perhaps reach new, interesting heights and volumes, depending on the level of said helpfulness.

[bpd-black]

hey guys, so this is gonna be a long ass post, but here’s the tldr version: i love you and i hope you continue to learn about yourselves, and advocate for your mental wellbeing cause y'all are literally so beautiful and important and an integral part of our universe, the world literally wouldn’t be the same without you ✊🏾💕

SO, i just wanted to let y'all know that if you’ve ever messaged me (and this is for my black followers, btw, the rest of y'all … i don’t know why tf you’re here, but none of this is for you so ✌🏾bye, you can leave lol) please please know that i almost always read whatever’s in my inbox right away, and that i do care about your questions and what you have to say, even when i don’t answer right away or at all. you guys reaching out to me is NEVER bothersome. NEVER dumb. NEVER ridiculous. and tbh, it’s always flattering to think anyone would come to me w/ mental health concerns, considering that this blog literally started as a place for me to just vent out into the void & that i used to block anyone that followed me, lol.

(i jus didn’t want people to follow my blog ??? idk, i just felt like i had no other outlet to scream, and i was in a really bad place back then, idek, it made sense at the time. anyway, NOW this blog is a place for me to store information, affirmations and links to resources that i find informative or helpful. and i actually really love getting feedback (cough and validation cough) from you guys 💖 so pls, just know that you mean a lot to me.)

THE THING IS, though: i’m still not a professional. and when it comes to something as serious as mental health (especially in the black community) i just feel like i still have too much learning to do and too much healing to do before i’m qualified to offer any real advice. rn, all i have to say to most of y'all is ‘damn, thas unfortunate, me too’ and i really don’t want to give anyone a half assed answer like that, lol. it might take me a while to research what you wanna know, so yeah. bls be patient with me.

also i kinda wanted to introduce myself, since i don’t think i’ve ever posted an intro on this blog lol:

in summary, i’m a twenty one year old black girl, gay as hell, still living at home, still unemployed, still on leave from college, and still struggling just to shower and get out of bed every day :)) which sucks and i hate my life rn and i battle with like, intense self hatred cause a lot of my family is very disappointed in me and, quite frankly, i’m very disappointed with myself.

moving on, lol, more about my mental state: i’ve only ever been professionally diagnosed with depression and gad, though i personally believe i experience too many bpd symptoms to rule out the possibility that i am, in fact, borderline, and so i consider myself as such.

(( a small rant about that real quick: imo, and tbh, labels are just terms that researchers make up to help organize studies, keep track of patterns, and come up with plans and solutions to help large groups of people. so, basically, i am a strong advocate of NOT beating yourself up too much when it comes to finding the ‘right’ label for you and NOT attacking someone else that you don’t think ‘fits’ the description for a disorder or illness according to your research. like, yeah, fake ass neurotypicals are annoying as hell and they can all choke but ! the only person who really knows what’s going on in someone’s brain is that person themselves. and NO ONE owes you a dissertation on their mental struggles just to ‘prove’ they’re in pain. so, imo !!! it’s just a lot more important to recognize and identify what SYMPTOMS you struggle with, and the severity of said symptoms, and worry about umbrella terms later !! cause that insight will make it easier to look for help and advice and !! mental illness and personality disorders are all on a spectrum. so yeah. go easy on yourselves 💕 anyway, i struggled a lot with that concept, and for far too long, SO just wanted to get that out of the way before i continue (hope that made any sense) but i digress!!! ))

i also struggle with both intrusive and suicidal thoughts, a few minor self destructive habits, and i’m currently taking medication for my depression and anxiety. and tbh, though i still have some pretty terrible days, i will say the meds have helped a LOT. and i’m so glad, cause i’m the first in my family to openly take medication for a mental illness (stigma stigma god fucking stigma) and i was so so scared the meds would just make it worse, but they didn’t, so yeah :)

also, and this is a bit personal (but i’m willing to be a bit vulnerable with you guys, if it’ll help anyone at all) but, i planned on killing myself last year. it didn’t happen (evidently lol) but i ended up staying at the hospital for a week and then participating in a two week partial program after that. i’m currently looking for a new partial program or support group that i can join, and i’m trying to get a job and get back to school.

also, i have been seeing a therapist since my senior year of high school (which !!is a bit of a wild tale tbh, but long story short, my parents literally refused to believe mental illness was a real thing for the longest time. and it wasn’t until i told them i literally wouldn’t graduate high school if i didn’t get some help that they believed me.) my first two therapists were awful racist white women (still fuckin hate them btw) but my third therapist was a really cool white woman who actually introduced me to my current therapist who is this really amazing black woman and so far, i feel like she’s been the best fit for me. but i’ve very recently had to put my therapy sessions on pause cause i’m poor as hell and couldn’t pay for them anymore, so yeah. and, tbh, that’s really been stressing me the fuck out as of late, but what i’m trying to do is make the most of whatever other resources are available to me (helplines, textlines, self care strategies, forums, blogs, google, etc.) and i still have a social worker so idk, i should be okay 👌🏾

anyway, that was a lot of oversharing but, now you all know where i am atm ;) and i only share this with you guys cause a lot of asks i receive are about feeling like shit for not knowing what pd you have, or about being too poor to afford good health care, or not knowing how to convince your conservative ass black parents that you’re dying and need help and like !!! all of those topics are so so important to me on a very personal level !!! and i wanna help y'all so bad. but tbqh, i’m still trying to figure this shit out myself 😕 so, what i’m hoping is, just by letting you know more about my experience and being as honest as i can about it, at least one of you readin this might feel a little less lonely dealing with your pain. idk.

anyway, second to last thing: fr tho, i hope y'all know that it is both a rare, and amazing trait to be as insightful as so many of you are. even just trying to figure out ‘god, what is wrong with me’ and taking the time to do the research, is self care. it’s defiance. it’s acknowledging that a better life is possible, and it’s straight up refusing to settle for the pain you’re in now, for a life less fulfilling than what you know you deserve. i feel like the generations before us didn’t do that enough (with good reason, tbh, even today it’s still hard to know who we can trust) but it’s high time black people start healing our minds and our hearts. so power to you ✊🏾

and yeah. that’s all i wanted to say this morning. i’ve been wanting to say all that for a while, but wasn’t sure where the hell to start. i just hope that was all coherent and made sense, lol. don’t ever hesitate to message me guys. i may be an emotional wreck that takes too long to reply, but i do love you. lol.

and please please please continue to research things on your own as well, like. keep up with the latest studies, the TED talks, the blavity articles, the mental health blogs etc. etc. learn as much as you can about how to take the best care of you, even if my executively dysfunctional ass can’t help right away lol.

also !! (last thing, i promise) a quick update about this blog: i edited it a bit, namely my tagging system, to make it a bit more useful. i won’t go through all my tags here (maybe i’ll add an about page and a tag page later) but, for example, there’s my new affirmations tag (full of helpful reminders that i like to think about everyday) my positivity tag (just, yk, positive shit that makes think positive thoughts) and my black tag (whatever content i feel like pertains to just my fellow black + mentally ill peeps, cause lbr a lot of our struggles only happen at the intersection of both identities) 💕

i also have a music tag for music recommendations!! cause i like to believe music is very healing all on its own ;)

AAAAND that’s it lol 😘 stay safe out there guys !! this world is wild but, tbh, we know better than anyone what it means to make the very most out of our lives no matter what. happy black history month 🖤

[theworstbob]

yellin’ at songs, week forty-three

11.1.1997 11.3.2007 11.4.2017 still doin’ this, still not sure why

11.1.1997

19) "I Don't Want to Wait," by Paula Cole

whoever did the drums for this song, y'all did some work. thanks for that. um, i don't know. i guess i never would have realized that this song was about how paula cole's grandparents were too stressed or too afflicted with PTSD to appreciate their lives and their blessings so she's gonna seize the moment, given that i associated this song with a teen soap opera i never watched, but i'm not sure it really engages with those people on a substantive level. "yeah, my granddad had shellshock, and that taught me i should carpe a whole bunch of diems before i, too, experience a horrible event from which i can't come back." is that, help him! talk to him!

26) "My Body," by LSG

"Gotta call you up and let you know just what I'm feelin', baby/911 0 0 24/Baby, it's an emergency, I'm callin' 'cause I gotta have some more." *ring* *ring* *ring* 911. What's your emergency? OPERATOR I'M HORNY 12415 Hyperion Street? YES! The Whambambulance is on its way. I just realized that's a pager code and I should probably make fun of the sexy pager codes, but I just came up with Whambambulance so this stays.

29) "Feel So Good," by Mase

Hm. There's an interesting juxtaposition at the heart of this song: you see, Mase is a bad boy. You know this, as he is affiliated with the Bad Boy record label; they are not in the business of hiring good boys there, I'd imagine. But despite his inherent badness, he is still capable of engendering good feelings in the young women with whom he "hangs" (popular late-'90s slang for 'copulates'). This thematic complexity is the thing we have come to expect from Mase, and he has delivered unto us yet another intellectual treat.

56) "Phenomenon," by LL Cool J

"I was looking at her in the limelight, pearly whites" LL Cool J I sincerely doubt you go to the club to scope out nice smiles. Come on. "Behind every playa is a true playette" I never would have realized the word 'playa' needed a feminine form. I don't see why this needed to be a gendered term, but then again, I'm looking at this with 2017 eyes, where we're all just people who enjoy fucking to various degrees and we kinda stopped caring about gender. They probably did need a female form of 'playa' in 1997. "You beefin, yellin on the cell of my 6/You reach it, then you hear the cordless click" THIS IS A BOAST ABOUT A CORDLESS PHONE

66) "I Do," by Lisa Loeb

I listened to this song yesterday and then I got distracted because there was some hot LttP rando tourney tie-break action and some listen to and read other things and now it's the day after and I'm pretty sure this song was OK but I'm extremely sure I got everything out of the first listen. It's a fun female singer/songwriter jam about love or whatever that wasn't completely shallow but also wasn't really captivating. It was. It existed. It was a song I listened to and thenI moved on with my life.

69) "So Good," by Davina ft./Raekwon

This was dope! Because this capsule is being written immediately after I listened to the song, one would think I have more to say, what with it being fresh in my mind. Hey: guess what: it was good! It was low-key and had a nice clip and it pleased me! It pleased me greatly. I am not making fun of this song even though it's basically the same thing as "So Good" because I'll take something that sounds like Lauryn Hill over something that sounds like Mase.

72) "Dream," by Forest for the Trees

"I wanna make a hip-hop song!" "I wanna make an alternative rock song!" "I wanna engage in psychadelia!" "I wanna play the bagpipes!" "Fellas, fellas, fellas! No reason we can't ALL get out way!" And that was the episode of Forest for the Trees when they learned how they could avoid conflict by seeking out compromises.

75) "I'm Not a Player," by Big Punisher

For some reason, on the album Capital Punishment, "Still Not a Player" comes well before "I'm Not a Player." This seems like a grievous error in sequencing. Like, someone should have done something about that, unless Big Pun was way ahead of the curve on the whole "this album should be played with the track listing reversed." "Still Not a Player" even references the hook for "I'm Not a Player." Missed opportunity for a killer reprise. I would also like to note that there is an Intermission in track four of a nineteen-track album. He makes for a fun listen, but Big Pun was absolutely garbage at actually making an album.

11.3.2007

68) "Shadowplay," The Killers

The Killers named themselves after a fictional band in a Joy Division music video. In the video for "Mr. Brightside," The Killers also have a fictional band playing; the kick drum bears the insignia for The Genius Sex Poets. The top YouTube result for The Genius Sex Poets is a band from Denmark that makes somewhat sloppy mopecore rock, they tried their best and I'm not here to make fun of the little guy but also wish I hadn't spent four minutes with them, but the enh makes sense. Joy Division's fake band had a dope name. It was brisk, to the point, and let you know what that fake band was about. I'm surprised that no band had taken the name The Killers before The Killers, or even before whatever Joy Division video I'm not gonna watch because I don't care enough. The Genius Sex Poets is the name of your college's worst a capella group. It's a bad name for a band, and that The Killers wanted to influence as they have been influenced by giving their fake band that name is why I never could get into them. They wanted their legacy to be a band called The Genius Sex Poets. What a trash thing to want.

94) "Love Like This," Natasha Bedingfield ft./Sean Kingston

"We were cool back in high school/Ooh, I really liked you!" Earlier this year, we praised Mariah Carey's "I Don't" because it was a song in which a 40-year-old Mariah Carey had a 28-year-old YG rap about how hot he thought Mariah was. It's a lovely subversion of the Hollywood thing where John Legend and Ariana Grande sing a love duet for a Disney film and people don't see anything wrong or squicky about it. The age gap here isn't quite so drastic, Natasha Bedingfield is 26 and Sean Kingston is 17, but still, this is as close to progress as anyone who isn't Mariah has ever made. The people DO demand a film where Channing Tatum goes down on Meryl Streep, though. I think we're due.

96) "The Hand Clap," Hurricane Chris ft./Big Poppa

this is literally just an over-produced song where hurricane chris only says he wants people to clap their hands. like that's it. that's all there is to this song. just hurricane chris listing reasons you should clap your hands. "Well, I hope you ain't tired of clappin' yo hands/'Cause we just got in the club." Does. Does Hurricane Chris expect me to clap my hands the entire time in the club? 'Cuz I'd do it, but it'd be quite silly. Picture me in the club constantly clapping my hands. Bangin' beats, slammin' honeys, and me just fucking there getting my seal on. "Drop that beat/Turn it up/That's too loud, man!/Turn it down/Now turn it back up" FUCK'S SAKE CHRISTOPHER MAKE UP YOUR MIND DON'T CONFUSE THE DJ THE DJ CLEARLY HAS ENOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT

100) "Just Fine," Mary J. Blige

That Mary J. Blige isn't in Decade Dance is the harshest referendum I can offer on music in 2017

11.4.2017

82) "High End," by Chris Brown ft./Future & Young Thug

nope!

84) "Yours," by Russell Dickerson

oh so he’s country. goddamnit. and it's even the fake-deep ballad bullshit country. this is the song that plays during the first dance at your aunt's third wedding, but it was her first church wedding, the first time they eloped in vegas and the second time, well, you know, uncle jim was never one for crowds, so this her first chance to really have HER day, you know? she hasn't had HER day yet, and you know what, she's 46, she deserves her own day. it'll be a cash bar and you'll spend every second worrying the hot person from the groom's side of the family is technically your cousin now.

87) "Let You Down," by NF

from the cursory research i've done, there appears to be actual emotion behind this song, this isn't just sadness as a substitute for substance there's a backbone to it, so i'm not gonna giveit too much heck. i'm whelmed, but it'd also feel like an insult to say "i didn't like it," because it sounds like a song that wasn't made to get people to listen to nf, it was a song that was made because nf had shit to say, and i respect that.

95) "Stunting AIn't Nuthin," by Gucci Mane ft./Slim Jxmmi & Young Dolph

The AZLyrics page for this song contains five instances of [?] in Gucci Mane's verse. Even the people who like Gucci Mane enough to post his lyrics to the Internet know the lyrical content of a Gucci Mane song isn't worth listening to hard enough to figure out. I paid extra close attention. The blanks are as follows: Don't leave it to BEAVER, just leave it to me (this line is actually borderline clever) I'm at MAD CHRIS' every day of the week (this is a guess, but there's gotta be an ATL strip club named Mad Chris) A FOOL WITH THE CHEWIN' SHE'S chewin' the D (can't say I like it when people bite my dick but to each their own) THAT SOB got me weak in the knees (ok i can't figure this one out, Gucci Mane is trash) Give her THE TROPHY for throat of the week (her parents will put it on the mantle next to her diploma and the participation award from sixth grade gymnastics)

96) "Your Broke Up With Me," by Walker Hayes

MY DUDE. MY. DUDE. YOU. CAN. ABSOLUTELY NEVER. PUT WHISTLING IN YOUR SONG. IF YOU CAN'T WHISTLE. What is this trash? Why are you breathing into the microphone like that? Is this, what, did you accidentally mix your ASMR with your country song and were too lazy to fix the track? I hate this. That whistling sounds so bad. How are people buying this song? This is the most baffling thing I've ever heard.

97) "Mayores," by Becky G ft./Bad Bunny

oh good. a song where a 20-year-old says "i like them older." ...where did i fall on hey violet's "guys my age?" i think i was okay with it then, but man, you think about it now, and you think about this song, and you think about that paula deanda song where she sang "I may be a teen but that doesn't mean I can't party," and man, it's gross. i don't like that this happened.

98) "Ask Me How I Know," by Garth Brooks

barth grooks

Who won the week?

Well, somehow, the white Christian rapper took 2017 Song of the Week honors, so that’s already out. And in a battle between Mary J. Blige and a host of songs that ranged from Neat to Neat!, I’m gonna go with 1997 here.

Current standings: 1997: 17 2007: 12 2017: 14 1997 seems to be building an unassailable lead with the clock running down on a year that ends with 7, though if we’re being real, the last two weeks have been really week. Next week, though, we get a clash of the titans. 1997 enters “Kiss the Rain.” 2007 enters “Low.” 2017 is throwing a ton of Future + Young Thug spaghetti with a side of Tay Tay at the wall. Who will win? ...”Kiss the Rain”’ll prolly take it, like be real it’s “Kiss the Rain,” but we’ll see if 2007 has enough for an upset! (It doesn’t, 1997 has win 18.)

[imnotovaryacting]

Metformin 500mg, April 20th 2017

Well. Here we are team. I'm home (at my dads/work/second home) after my doctors appointment. I'm not an emotional mess like I expected to be. I think I'm processing. Let's start off with walking in the god damn door. Who do I see behind the reception desk in black on black scrubs with black nails, socks, and shoes? A gal two years older than me I went to high school with. We'll call her Barbie because oh my god she's always the exact same shade of tan, pink lip gloss that's basically white, bleach blonde hair, about 3 lbs of mascara weighing MAYBE 100lbs soaking wet. She's all happy to see me and "oh my gosh girl, it's been years!" Like yes, I was always the dorky kid more interested in reading my book than I was in sephora so we didn't travel in the same circle but we both had choir together. Then of course the question "why are you here today?". I understand that as far as patient confidentiality she can't talk about anything with other people but I didn't anticipate telling someone who "knows me" about all my ish. So another nurse cut her off because it was time for me to give a urine sample (like always) and I got ushered off. Thank Jesus for Dana, the other nurse. Total sweetheart. So I leave my cup-o-pee where I'm supposed to and we go back to the scale. Glamorous. Fantastic. Terrifying. So I step on and I close my eyes. I've been going to the gym every week since January 2017 (it's now April 20th, 2017) I average 4-5 days a week, strength training with machines and weights..core til its sore..& at least 30 minutes of cardio on various equipment. That's a lot y'all. I've done down from pant size 18 to 14, my shirt size has gone from an XL to a L (depending on how tight my D sized boobs look in it). My face is thinner and I've got so much more energy and stamina than I've had since high school. Wanna know what that scale said? I gained 22lbs. I now weigh officially 100lbs more than I did 4 years ago in high school. "Oh if you've been going to the gym so much it's probably just muscle weight" -Dana, the saint. I go into the exam room with her and we talked Pap smear, which we scheduled for next month because SURPRISE my midwife was out sick. So Dr.OldGuy was gonna bring YoungHotMaleDoctor with him and they would be seeing me today. Like, great. This was not at all what I hoped today's visit would be. The boys come in and immediately we did the song and dance of "what do you eat?" "Exercise?" "Insulin resistant?" Blah blah blah. So we decided to start me on 500mg Metformin once a day before bed. Well check on weight loss in a month when I go back for my pap. I'm scarred about the Metformin. I've heard horror stories on my support groups on fb. Im going to do some more research tonight before I take it. He was like "all it's gonna do is make your appetite lessen. Also, start keto now. Low low low carb diet from here on out kiddo. And no more strength training. Worry about taking the weight off now and stop building muscle until you're down to Or goal weight for you. Which is still 150lbs verses your current 222lbs. Also stop using all that cardio equipment. Take a 45 minute brisk walk in the evenings. That's all you gotta do and the weight will come off.". So okay. I'll look into all this before I take the pills. I don't want to be tied to a medication my whole life and I've heard some women can't get off of it without terrible bowel issues. And it's free at my local publix. At least there's that going for it. Another thing. We didn't do blood work this time. But last go about my testosterone was high, surprise surprise for someone with pcos. Do y'all get my sarcasm? I hope so. And I've been off my BC since January because the cost went up. Despite having periods on my own he wants me on another birth control to lower my testosterone and up my estrogen. He found me a generic that "should cost less" if it doesn't he wants me to call him tomorrow and he'll look at other pharmacies but he really didn't check pricing for me. Laura, my midwife, does. God I missed her today. So all in all it wasn't as dire as I perceived it being. I know I stress myself out about it. This post was interrupted by my dad and brother asking about the appointment so I've lost my train of thought. Final notes: keto starts today, Metformin maybe, Laura next month after the Grand Canyon. Fingers crossed for good news. Xoxo, Kay