#yeah. this sure does articulate some stuff

[luveline]

taking roan to see santa and she is so excited to tell him about her new mommy and the things she wants for christmas and when she gets there she is TERRIFIED of the man 🎅

a family trip to the mall to see santa!! fem!reader 5k words

"I'm gonna tell Santa about my new mom, and my new house, and my new bed, and my new-" 

"Babe, you're supposed to ask him for things you want, not tell him about stuff you already have." 

Roan reaches out to stroke Eddie's face absent-mindedly. He loves how loving she is, and by extension, loves that he's made her this way. 

"But I didn't have a mom or a house or a bed last year." 

He snorts, fingers wrapped up in the ribbon laces on her shiny black shoes. "You actually did have a bed, and a house." 

"A real house, dad." 

"It was a real house," he argues with little heat, straightening up her socks where they've started slipping down, fingertips pressed into her soft skin. "It was a home, anyway. You know, me and Uncle Wayne lived together in his trailer for more than ten years and it was amazing." 

It had been cramped, crowded, and it had been a stuffy hell in the summer, but it was just fine. It was more than that. 

He leans back and takes in Roan again. He's dressed her in a navy blue dress with the lining of a white skirt peeking out underneath. She has a cardigan over the top to fight the cold, and he'll wrap her up in her big puffy coat for good measure as soon as he's done her hair. She looks adorable, adorable and well-kept

He feels the familiar rush of parent pride. Fuck, I'm a good dad. 

"And we had fun, didn't we? In our trailer?" he asks her, chucking under her chin. 

She grins at him, a mouthful of tiny white pearls. "Duh, dad. We had the best times ever, with Rufus and Georgia and Steve." 

He smiles himself, reminded of the stray cats that had flocked to their home and their names. Steve had been an especially dishevelled calico, and his name had been a great point of contention between the Munson's and human Steve. 

"You know, we could always go visit them," he offers, pleased at the twinkle that grows in Roan's eyes. 

"We could?" she asks, gasping. 

"Sure, babe. I bet they miss us, and it's cold. We'll make them some fried chicken when we have time, yeah? You and me'll be the talk of the cat town." 

"And Y/N," Roan says insistently. 

He strokes her cheek with his thumb. "And Y/N," he says as he stands up. "Now, little lady. Bunches or braids?" 

By the time he's weaved her hair back into one impressive braid you're finally getting home from the doctor. A completely routine check up and still he's terrified for a split second that you're gonna come in and declare a problem. You simply pose in the doorway and smile. 

"Nothing wrong with me that wasn't wrong before," you say breezily. "Hello, my loves. Did anything happen while I was gone?" 

Roan scrambles to stand on the kitchen chair and pose as you're posing. Your expression drops, as does your jaw, and you take a while to pick it back up. 

"Aw, princess, would you look at you? You look beautiful." 

She giggles as you swoop in to kiss her. You take her face into two delicate palms and stroke curly baby hairs behind her ears. A year ago, even a couple of months ago, you would've asked before you kissed her. Now, you pucker up wordlessly, and Roan bears her cheek like she can't wait. If her excited shifting from one foot to the other is anything to go by, she can't. 

"You look so, so pretty," you praise, pulling away to wipe at the splodge of lip balm you've left shining on her baby cheek. 

"You look more pretty," Roan says. 

Eddie adores you both in ways he can't articulate. 

His unspoken affection summons your attention. You let your hands fall to her shoulders and meet his eyes over her head. For a moment you smile abashedly, the awkward amazing smile you'd been wearing when you first met. It eases into something easier, something Eddie isn't ashamed to admit he loves more. This one practically oozes love. 

"Do you want to get changed?" you ask. 

He pretends like you've slapped him. "What do you mean? This isn't mall-worthy?" 

"Your work overalls and my apron?" you ask wryly. "Sure, wear that." 

He tries not to smile but he's practically sticky with it, kissing your cheek and patting Roan's back in tandem before he escapes upstairs to change. He puts on a pair of tight black slacks and a dark navy button down to match Roan, rolling the sleeves up in the way he knows you love. 

There's Christmas music and giggling downstairs when he returns. Roan's now standing on the table of all places, her hands in your hands, the two of you dancing quite aggressively considering it's Jingle Bell Rock. You start to swing her around, pulling her into your chest so you can waltz in time with the music. 

You swing to face the doorway and cheer when you see him. "Dad!" you direct Roan's attention. "That's your nicest button down. Is that the one you wore when you proposed?" 

He smiles at the memory but quickly hides it, peering down at his shirt as if it's the most boring item of clothing Walmart's ever made. "This old thing?" He lets the dramatics fall. "No, not this one. I might be wearing the same socks, though, if you wanna check?" 

You dip your face down to Roan's and rub the bridges of your noses together. "No thanks," you say, slipping into some bubbly mom talk. "He thinks I wanna look at his socks, did you hear? What a weirdo." 

"Weirdo," she echoes. 

"Wretched women," he mumbles, heading for the shoe rack. He shoves on a pair of boots and raises his volume. "Come on, sweet girls, time to go see Santa!"

"Santa!" 

Roan squirms out of your arms and onto the floor. She sprints for the front door and grabs clumsily at the handle, slightly too short to reach and pull down with any force. Eddie takes her coat down from the hanger and bunches up the sleeves to get her hands through. One arm then two, she makes it difficult work but it's something he's become an expert in. Wayne once said he reckoned Eddie could get an octopus into a straight jacket. 

"Babe, move out the way," he says. 

Roan steps back enough for him to crack the door and then bursts into the cold. She seems less enthusiastic when the ice bites at her naked knees, looking to Eddie for reassurance. 

He hands you the keys and you take them automatically. "I'm gonna get her into the car before she turns into a popsicle." 

Realisation dawns on your face. "I dont have my purse. Be right there," you say, spinning back into the house. 

He catches up to Roan where she's waiting by your car. She has a car seat in your car and his, but yours is the one at the front of the driveway. She looks tiny next to it, smaller when she starts shivering. It's a sub level Christmas in Hawkins. 

"Alright, Ro, in you go," he says, opening door. He covers the top of the doorway with his hand so she can't knock herself out and straps her in once she's situated. 

"It's cold," she says through chattering teeth. 

"I'm sorry, your wool stockings were in the wash, babe." He covers her frost-bitten cheeks, blood pinking her skin. "We might need to get you some pants at the mall, so you don't fr-fr-freeze to death," he says, imitating her shivering. 

She giggles infectiously. "You're funny." 

He presses a kiss to her head. "All legs in the ride!" he warns. 

"Don't cut her legs off," you call from the front door. 

"Never. Am I driving?" he asks, closing Roan's door. He succeeds in not mauling her. 

"Do you want to?" 

"Do you want to?" 

"Get in the car." 

"Yes, ma'am," he purrs, escaping around to the passenger side and away from your clutches. 

The drive consists of Eddie messing with your deteriorating stereo system and Roan's ecstatic babbling. She's back onto what she wants to tell Santa. New mom, new house, new bed, new princess dresses, new kitchen, new pet fish. The list goes on. Though they aren't as new as she thinks; you, Eddie and Roan have been living together now for a couple of months, and you and Eddie have been engaged for almost as long. The novelty has yet to wear off for Roan. Eddie hopes his daughter will be this amazingly happy for the rest of her life.

"You think it's gonna break?" you ask, watching the stereo with all the caution of a lion tamer. 

"God, I hope so. I'll know what to get you for Christmas, then." 

It's a bluff — Eddie's already got you a bunch of gifts, some of which you're pretending you don't know about, and some he's actually managed to hide well. 

"You won't believe what I got for-" You cough. "Uh, Lucky." 

He laughs, checking over his shoulder to see if Roan's listening. She absolutely isn't, feet wiggling along to the static riddled kiddie songs and Teddy the one eared bear in her lap. "I'm gonna tell him you need a new ear, Teddy, don't worry," she says, tone conspiring.

He winces like she's listening. "Yeah, what was it? A new plant?" 

"Yeah," you mumble. You're a bad liar. "New plant. It's pink and gold and it's made out of velvet silk," — you lower your voice to a whisper — "with handmade skirts and hand sewn sequins." 

His eyes go wide. "I thought we said no more presents for Lucky." 

"Did we say that?" 

"Well, I said that. Starting to think you weren't listening." He pinches your thigh, quick and nipping to get you squealing.

"I listened," you insist through laughter, facing him with a bright, bright smile. You keep your eyes on the road. "I just didn't comply." 

"I'm not above force." 

You gasp, delighted. "You dog! My little girl's in the car." 

"My little girl isn't listening." 

"Yes I am." 

You snort so loud it probably hurts your throat. 

Eddie whips his head to Roan and her cheeky smile. "I know what we should- what we should get Lucky for Christmas," she says knowingly. 

"What's that, princess?" you ask, watching her through the rearview. Each word drips with love.

"A girlfriend," she says. 

"Yeah? We'd need to get him a bigger tank, too-" 

"So that's not happening," Eddie says. 

He hates being the voice of reason, on record despises it, but you love Roan so much, you're fucking whipped, you'd pull Mount Fuji from the Earth and put it behind Bradley's if she asked you to, so while he loves nonsense and participating in it, he has to say no. You can't afford a new fish tank now you've paid for the honeymoon vacation and the wedding venue deposit and Christmas. 

Or rather, Eddie can't afford it. He works on principle. Your money is your money. His money is your money. You argue that your money is a hundred percent his money too and he fights you on it all the time, even though you're technically the breadwinner. He's not too proud to let you pay more rent, more toward groceries, more everything. Now. It had been a little bit of a sore spot at first. 

He'd reasoned that he should be paying more in reality because of Roan and you'd glared at him half-seriously and said, Don't insult me, handsome. You know I love her. 

You more than love her, and if you want to spend every last penny of your paycheck on Christmas this month he won't fight you on it. 

Besides that, he can't take any extra hours because he has to pick up Roan. You love that argument because it supports your conclusion, among others — Eddie does the majority of the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning. But, those arguments should be moot. You definitely carry your weight, plus, he loves to do stuff for you. Should be, but you do that stupid fucking thing that you do wherein your hands are all over his face and your voice is soft as silk in his ear, and you kiss under his jaw and win any and every argument in a pathetically small amount of time. He'd die for you. You're a cheater. 

"Spoilsport," you mumble, pulling into the parking lot outside the mall with a bumpy turn. 

"Lucky needs a girlfriend fish, dad, or he'll get so lonely he'll die." 

Eddie blows hair out of his face and zips up his jacket, opening your door with a mostly respectful kick. He rushes to get Roan out before you can, knowing you'll carry her all the way inside and give yourself achey shoulders. 

"Why do you say that?" Eddie asks as he opens her door. Roan looks up all smiles, Teddy clutched to her neck. "Why do you think he'll die? Lonely people don't die, babe." 

"Are you sure?" 

He unclips her straps and pulls her out deftly. He'd let her walk herself but the cold is biting and he can carry her much quicker. "I'm positive." 

Her face crinkles up. He likely shouldn't have mentioned death, she's too small, but Roan has a strange understanding of all things macabre. Santa's more real to her than death, for sure. 

"Maybe I can ast Santa for a big tank for Lucky and then he can have a girlfriend and a baby." 

The dropped 'k' on ask makes Eddie stupidly emotional. A habit she's falling out of from when she was younger. 

You start pushing him behind the shoulders. "Let's go," you whine, "before we all get hypothermia." 

He makes sure there's room in the crook of his arm for your hand while making his way toward the mall sliding doors. You fall into step beside him. 

Eddie begins stranger prep. 

"You gotta be polite to Santa, remember? Because he sees all these little girls and boys and he's tired from the Christmas rush, and he's taking the time to come see you." 

Roan nods seriously. "My pleases and thank you, dad, I always remember," she says. 

"Yes, you do," you praise, though she does not.

"Do you think he can get Lucky a girlfriend?" Roan asks you. 

More terrible smiles. "Yes, he definitely can. What kind of girlfriend? A goldfish, too? They have black goldfish in the Petsmart with big heads like raspberries- oh, we should go see them after we talk to Santa!" 

Roan's nodding grows more and more voracious. "Can we, dad?" she asks. 

"Why're you askin' me? Y/N already said you could." 

You almost trip over yourself trying to kiss his cheek. He knows you love him. He suspects you love being a parent more. He's rubbed your back through enough 'I'm so lucky' breakdowns to know you're genuinely in love with his little girl. 

Inside the warmth of the mall entryway, Eddie sets Roan on her feet. She holds both hands up. He takes one, you take the other, and she rambles about Lucky's potential lover as you both lead her to the entrance of the food court where the mall Santa's grotto has been set up this year. 

The walls and railings are decorated in spiraling lights and tinsel, store windows teeming with festive merchandise. Kids are everywhere, none as pretty or well-dressed as Roan (in Eddie's totally unbiased opinion), but all looking startled by the intensity of everything. Roan herself baulks. 

"It's bright, huh?" Eddie asks her knowingly. 

"All the lights," she says. 

"Yeah, babe, a lot of lights. There's a really big Christmas tree further in, too, we came here last year to see it." 

She shrugs. Eddie's unsure, but he thinks maybe she's drifted a little closer to his legs. 

The grotto comes into view and she perks up. "Oh," she says sweetly, breathless with her eyes wide, dark eyes shining in the fairy lights. 

"There he is," Eddie encourages, "and some elves, too. We line up, uh-" 

"Over there," you say, tugging him and Roan with you like the three of you are a slinky. 

Roan bounces on her tiptoes from the end of the line to the very beginning. You and Eddie can't stop sharing secret smiles. He loves doing this every year, and last year he'd done most of it alone. Wayne hates shopping malls and you hadn't been dating quite long enough for him to feel comfortable asking you to do parent stuff at the time. The difference a year can make — it aches in the best way. 

"After Santa and the pet store, what's our plan? D'you wanna get pizza? Or something else, we could go to Enzo's?" he asks. 

"Enzo's?" 

"I'll pay."

"Last time you had a weird stomach for three whole days after. I thought we'd never see you again." 

"You love it, though. I'll buy some tums. Take a cushion into the bathroom." 

"Ew, no," you say, sounding less disgusted than you could be. 

You're both keeping an eye on the line. There's only one kid in front of you now, and Roan is pulling on your arms ready to pounce. 

"Chinese?" 

"What does macaroanie want?" 

"She gets everything she wants all the time. Would it kill you to choose?" 

You think it over. "Definitely. Why don't you choose?" 

"'Cause I want you to, that's the whole point. You know, it's okay to do things that you want to do." 

"I want to make you pick. You can pay, too, if we're going to the pet store. Santa needs a donation, and I'm gonna be strapped for cash." 

He mirrors your sweet smile. "Deal." 

"Next, please," says a very average sized elf. 

You and Eddie steal another look and you drop Roan's little hand to let Eddie walk her up to Santa. She'd loved him last year, asking for a bunch of things Eddie hadn't been able to deliver on. He'd tried his best, had done a bunch of freelance guitar repairs that he wasn't educated for (but isn't half bad at), had scraped and scrimped, he'd even borrowed money from Wayne that Wayne refused to take back the following February when Eddie finally made it up, and he still hadn't been able to get 'princess sheets' or the new Dotty Dolly. 

They approach Santa. Roan takes one step, then the other. Santa says hello. 

Roan pauses. 

"C'mere, hon," Santa says, an older gentleman with a natural white beard. He's a very convincing Santa, all things considered. "Tell old Chris Kringle what you want for Christmas." 

Eddie pushes her forward very gently with his fingertips. "Go on, babe, it's okay. You wanted to tell him about your mom and the house and Lucky the fish, right?" 

Roan takes the last step. Then, frozen in the face, she backs up, nearly trips, and bolts down into Eddie's legs. She practically flies down the stairs with a freaked out moan. 

His eyes blow. He looks at Roan, looks at Santa. "I'm sorry," Eddie says, smiling at the old man awkwardly. 

The elves do not look happy. 

Eddie bends down. "Roanie," he says urgently, "what's the matter? You don't wanna talk to Santa?" 

She says nothing, only clings. Eddie tries to steer her shoulder back to Santa on his big velvet chair and she's having none of it, whining and shoving her head into his thigh. 

"Excuse me-" starts the elf. 

"Roan, are you sure you don't wanna talk to him? He's Santa, he wants to hear all about your list this year," Eddie tries. 

"No." 

He sighs, perturbed but not too worried. They can always try again. He says sorry to the elves and to Santa who waves his hand, as if to say it doesn't matter. He gets his hands under Roan's arms and carries her to where you're standing on the other side. You look heartbroken. 

"What happened?" you ask softly, stroking a sweet curl behind her ear. 

Eddie has no answers and Roan doesn't want to give them, so you make your way to the food court in a shocked silence. Roan has a tendency to deal with negatives in two ways — tantrums for the superficial, withdrawal for the serious. Eddie still isn't good at dealing with the latter. Together, you can usually save the day. 

"Roan, bug," Eddie says, so only she can hear, "tell me what happened. You didn't like Santa, huh?" 

"Dad," she says, almost inaudible. 

He slides a hand behind her neck and tips her away from his chest. "What?" 

"He didn't look how I remembered." 

"'Cause you're older," he says. 

He's employed his nicest, smoothest dad voice. The gentle one for all her scariest moments, like shots at the doctor's office and the time she wet herself in the playground in front of the other kids. Anything to assuage her embarrassment, a safety blanket. 

He slides into a booth and you hover. 

"Would something yummy make it feel better?" you ask hopefully. 

Roan shakes her head into Eddie's neck. 

"I-" You look super crushed. Everything had been going well. He knows how badly you want Christmas to be perfect. 

"How about," Eddie cuts you off, not unkindly, "you and me and mom get warm donut holes and ice cream to dip them in? We've never had then with her, have we?" 

It's a good Christmas tradition. 

Roan can't resist. "Okay," she says. 

"I'll get them," you volunteer. "I got it." 

Something hooks you as you're trying to leave and you double back to kiss the top of her head and Eddie's temple in quick succession. He smiles at you genuinely, happy when your frown livens up. Roan will be okay in a little while, no doubt. No need for you to tear yourself up over it. 

Alone, Eddie eases Roan off of his lap and onto the bench beside him. He takes her little hands into his. She looks nearly angry, dark eyebrows pinched up and her eyes welled with tears. 

"It's okay that you didn't like Santa," he murmurs.

"I wanted to tell him about Y/N," she says, lower lip trembling. 

"We can always go and see him again." 

She stiffens. 

"Or we can try a different day, yeah? C'mon, where's my brave girl gone?"

"He smiled funny…" she mumbles.

He feels awful instantly. He doesn't need Roan to be brave if she can't be. 

"Well, if you want," he says, inclining his head, "you could tell me what you want for Christmas, I could tell Santa." 

She looks up. "You'll tell Santa?" 

"Oh, yeah," he says quickly. "I tell Santa all the stuff you forget. How'd you think you got your space hopper last year? And your princess slippers? I tell him all the things you want." 

"He still didn't get me Dotty Dolly." 

"He's old, babe. He's all senile, like Wayne." Sorry Wayne. 

Her face flops into his upper arm, chubby cheek squished to the mild curve of his bicep. She lets out a morose sigh. "Sorry, dad." 

He nudges her gently. "For what?" 

"Being not brave." 

He presses his forehead to her hair. "I didn't mean that. You don't have to be brave meeting new people. It's scary, even if you met them before. Like Y/N," he says, nuzzling Roan's silky hair affectionately, "I don't know if you remember, you were always excited to see her, and I used to think I was excited too. Then we'd get to Morgan's cake shop and I'd make us late because I was hiding in the car. She used to make me nervous, and now she's your mommy." 

He wraps his arm around her shoulders. "Sometimes we need time to get to know people before we're ready to talk to them. It's okay that you got scared, babybug, promise." 

She goes limp. Her cheek slides down the length of his stomach and lands on his thigh. "I really wanted Lucky to have a girlfriend." 

He pets her hair, accomplished in his dad duties. (He hopes. Tonight he'll go over this conversation with you and wonder if he should've said something else.) 

"Lucky can definitely still have a girlfriend. What did I just say? I'll make sure Santa knows exactly what you want, no sweat." 

She huffs another huge sigh that must take up her entire lung capacity. He tickles the back of her neck with the end of her braid slowly, drawing circles around her ear and her earlobe until her shoulders are heaving. 

"You're laughing," he accuses. 

"No I'm not," she says into his leg. 

"No?" He lets her hair go in favour of scratching her neck. "We can change that." 

You return with way too much ice cream and twice as many donuts to find her squealing and cornered in the booth, curled up into a ball like a pill bug to evade Eddie's cruel hands. 

"What are you doing to her?" you demand. 

"I'm cuddling her. What's it look like to you, mister?" 

"Mister? You sick freak." 

"You're the sick freak, freak. Sit down and give my girl one of those donut holes before she keels over." 

"She's already keeled! Get offa her, the ice cream's melting on my hands." 

He stops tickling Roan and she finds the strength to sit. You're ecstatic to see her happy again and you show it with a grand proferring of sweet treats and three plastic spoons. You've bought a whole lotta donuts and an ice cream boat with chocolate fudge and cherries, and you let her maul it without complaint. It's a good time, a great one, to watch Roan teach you how to dip the still-warm donuts in your ice cream, and to watch the two of you try to eat them without getting powdered sugar and chocolate all over your fancy clothes. 

He ties the cherry stem with his tongue and mystifies Roan, who spends the next ten minutes trying to do the same. He feels so sorry for her that when she sticks her little tongue out with an untied stem for the tenth time, he meets your eyes and nods and the two of you cheer like crazy. 

He hadn't brought his bag, a rookie mistake, so he nabs some napkins from the condiments table and gives Roan the good old spit and polish. 

Clean-ish, he takes her hand and she stands on the bench, hopping off and landing with Munson grace (her knees give out). You take the long way around the grotto so she won't have to see Santa again and come across the mall's huge Christmas tree. 

"Woah," she gasps, enthralled. 

Eddie really should've brought the camera, even if he only has two pieces of film left. He wants to remember this forever, her face still soft with baby fat reflected back from a giant golden bauble, tinsel bouncing light all over her skin like a mirrorball. You bend down beside her and grin. 

"Eddie, look at it from down here." 

He suspends his disbelief and kneels down. 

From the floor, the tree looks bigger than any skyscraper, and it shines like a star. If you follow the tree all the way to its angel at the top, you can look past it into the skylight, where the dark night shines with pinprick stars. 

"Our Christmas tree doesn't look this good," you say. 

"Yes it does!" Roan says, turning to you with a stern scowl. "Our Christmas tree is the best one they ever made." 

"Yeah?" 

"Mm. And I got to put the star on." 

"Yeah, you did." You rest your hands on her shoulders and the two of you look up together. 

I need a fucking camera, Eddie thinks hotly. 

— 

Petsmart is like an aquarium at 6PM. The lights have been lowered, the fish tanks glowing bright blue and bubbling in the dim light. A hundred white and red babies swim erratically, their fins a blur in the top tank. Underneath, there are tanks filled with algae-eating snails that move surprisingly quickly. To the left, the big black goldfish with puffy cheeks lavish in their more spacious tank. 

"Where's the ones with the raspberry head?" Roan whispers. 

Your eyes follow a beautiful red goldfish the size of three fingers. "I don't know, little lady," you mumble, entranced by the goldfish's graceful arc. 

"Do you think Lucky would have a crush on him?" 

You look to where she's pointing at, little finger chasing a telescope fish. 

"I think he'd love him. He's a big one." 

"I thought Lucky wanted a girlfriend?" Eddie asks. 

"But all these ones are boys, dad." 

He frowns, endearingly confused. "How can you tell?" 

"I just know." 

You love the way she says it, love every little word she says. She sounds confident in her declaration but the way she pronounces her words harbours the clumsiness that comes with being a young kid, 'know' carrying a lot of weight, of humour, like she can't believe Eddie would say something that silly. 

"What about that one? She looks kinda girly, no?" 

The three of you watch the fish in question complete a small loopty-loop. 

"Nah," you say, "that's definitely a boy. He has abs." 

"They're called gills." 

"Do they have any pink fish?" Roan asks. 

"Maybe not. They have pink plants. Hey, I saw the ornaments on the way in, they have a castle. Think Lucky would like that?" 

If Petsmart didn't close at 6.30 you could stay and watch the fish tanks with them forever. You hop along to the ornaments and try to catalogue all the ones Roan expresses an interest in. Buying them won't count as spoiling her, it'll be spoiling Lucky. Eddie can't possibly be irked over that. 

"Don't even think about it," he mouths. 

You remember Roan's unhappy face when she was confronted with the horror of the mall Santa up close and decide she can't leave empty handed. 

"Why don't we get him something now? You can put it in his tank tonight before bed." 

"Really?" Roan asks. 

"Go crazy." 

Roan hesitates, spoiled for choice, hands feeling over the ornaments one at a time. Eddie tells her she can't pick anything from the tip shelf and you're glad for it, because it is Christmas coming and they're extortionate hand crafted things you cannot afford. 

"This one," she says. 

She picks up a heavy looking Christmas tree glued to a white plate, multi-coloured presents nestled at the trunk. It's a glorious twelve dollars. 

You let Roan carry the bag out of the Petsmart. She turns to Eddie and says, "Please make sure Santa gets Lucky a girlfriend like the one with the big eyes. And please tell him that I have the best new mommy and the bed and the new house, please." 

He beams at her. "We can strike those off the list, for sure. What do you want now you got all the stuff you asked for last year?" 

"Pink hair." 

Eddie whistles through his teeth appreciatively. "Gnarly." 

"And a bounce house," she adds. 

He shakes his head at you before you can ask.

[magnuficent76]

Jealous of how gracefully you draw mecha stuff,,, do you have any... Advice or tips or?

Howdy-do ! I can certainly try to explain my process !

With mech, I always start with an idea first, and I draw it how I usually do it— Like say, Mephisto's prosthetics ! The first step is to just draw regular limbs first and figure out the individual parts. This is the "it does not need to look good it just has to exist first" stage, and you're basically just doing what you know. [Four limbed Mephisto jumpscare]

Now, you're gonna take these shapes and try to see exactly how they join together and bend. I like doing it by taking everything apart in 3 groups- The big shape (The "flesh" if you will, basically everything you see on the outside), the lil shape (Articulations for the big shape, basically what allows it to move) and the connectors (The skeleton for how your big shape is going to be structured ! it defines how lifelike or how robotlike your character will feel depending on how bendy or stiff). The simpler everything is, the better for stylizing !

Looking at ball jointed dolls and other such puppet characters has really helped me understand anatomy as a whole, but it's been especially helpful to robots since it has that certain natural stiffness to it, which I personally find crucial in robot designs. Here it is applied to the diagram !

Then, you're gonna wanna refine these shapes into something more cohesive ! Really string everything together with the same principles, but a little more stylization. These still look like limbs, but you can see exactly how they bend and stay in place through the exposed articulations. Just remember to keep it all relatively straight-edged and using of the skeleton to make sure you don't get too organic looking ! Mech is about geometric designs most of all !

And finally, once you feel it looks good, you go back in again and carve out your detail ! Add some stuff to that guy ! Make him look more interesting !

AND you still get to follow principles ! How fun is that !!!

The best way to practice this method imo is to just trace over robots you know and love. Transformers especially is a really good source of inspo for me, since they're made with toy features in mind and therefore allow for greater range of movement. You can do it to basically anything though ! Even more humanoid looking bots ! Here's two I did on Optimus prime and Fl4k from BL3!

A really good tutorial on this stuff is How to think when you draw: by TheEtheringtonBrothers on DA. Seriously, their stuff is highly informative, and they do a better job explaining than I ever could ahaha. They've got a bunch of tutorials with really good breakdowns of fundamentals and all that stuff up on their pages too, so I highly reccomend you check em out !

But yeah, most of all, practice is your friend. Observe how other people stylize machines and try to replicate it, read up on tutorials, see real life machines, get inspired by your favorite cartoon robots— It's all part of the process ! Like with anything in art, you need to crack a whole lot of eggs beforee you finally learn how to make an omelet you like, but whats most important is that you make an omelet at all. Some stuff is gonna burn or turn out not how you wanted it, and that is also normal, so you need to learn to embrace it and keep on going !

Happy drawins ! Here's a peepaw seal of approval just for trying :]

[swordoftheberserkgutsrage]

hey i have a question about berserk. i read it all the way until the eclipse chapter and then maybe 1 or 2 after that. i stopped reading because i found casca’s rape so horrific and the chapters afterward seemed to discard her as broken. i was wondering what you think of the rest of the story? i’ve thought about continuing but not sure if it’s worth it / if there will be more brutal rape scenes.

its been a very long time since i read berserk in its entirety so my thoughts probably wont be as informed or articulated as i would like them to be.

i think the eclipse is as bad as it gets. not to say theres never any like sexual assault or anything after that but theres never another explicit rape scene like that. im never gonna give someone shit for disliking the sexual violence in berserk, thats a valid feeling, but it IS kind of crucial to the story and themes. to me berserk is first and foremost an examination of abuses of power and the trauma associated with that. guts, casca, and griffith were all victims of some kind of sexual violence in their childhood/young adulthood, always by someone they know with some kind of power over them. eventually griffith would become a perpetrator of sexual violence himself. the bulk of berserk is about processing trauma and learning to trust other people again and i dont think you really get to that stuff until after the golden age. i wouldnt say casca gets discarded, guts' main motivation for a lot of the story going forward is trying to help heal casca and she DOES get better but thats not until later. theres a lot to be said about her treatment in the story and i think its valid to be critical of it. personally there isnt much i would change about her place in the plot bc it would make it a much much different story. i really love the rest of the story. golden age is unparalleled for its character work but the next two arcs after it are soooo fucking cool theyre my favorite so yeah personally i would recommend continuing.

also one thing i will say about the rape scene in the manga is i do think it was unnecessarily explicit and kind of tactless. i muuuch prefer how its done in the 97 anime

i hope this answer was remotely satisfactory

[pillowprincessvarric]

Do you want to elaborate about the alice postpartum post 👉👈

Yeah actually. I kinda do!

[cw: mental health issues, emotional abuse, some gaslighting, implied reproductive coercion. Probably some other stuff.]

So. Alice spends most of Shaun's baby-hood feeling like he's Not Real, though she's not really able to articulate what exactly she means by that, as well being kind of generally aware that it's not true, despite the fact that it feels really really true. That's not a real baby, and if it is a real baby it's definitely not her baby. Which she knows isn't rational but can't quite shake.

She also off-and-on feels like she's Not Real, other people Aren't Real, the world isn't Real, etc. which she was already having a problem with during the pregnancy but it got worse after the birth. Lots of depersonalization/derealization issues. Some of it is definitely the hormones but the emotional manipulator husband who Gently Encouraged her to keep a baby she wasn't 100% sure about (among other things) definitely also contributed.

The pregnancy went very well physically though, despite her emotional/mental issues. And the fact that Nate keeps using the term "easy pregnancy" (we're so lucky!) is slowly turning her evil.

She also gets increasingly paranoid about Codsworth the longer he's in the house. Really convinced that he's Up To Something and either talking to the police about her or spying on her for Nate, who she thinks might have bought him for specifically that reason (it's unclear how plausible this actually is).

Paranoid in general also, after the birth. Like, is worried that the neighbors Know Things about her, that the police are coming any minute, that sort of thing. And unfortunately a lot of her paranoia isn't fully without basis. She & Nate are very much living under stolen identities because they have warrants out. And Nate is kind of getting too into/overselling his whole "I'm a veteran" thing (he's not, to be clear) and there's genuine reason to worry that he might get cocky and blow their cover. So this is the stuff that's hardest for her to manage while she's trying to get her stuff together enough to get out.

(If I never mentioned this, part of her whole deal is that the day the bombs dropped was also the day she was planning on leaving him and starting over on the west coast. Like she had this whole thing worked out where she was going to slip out while he was giving his little speech at the Veterans Hall (which again, insane & ill-advised thing to do given that he's not actually a veteran and living under a stolen identity, but we don't need to go into all that rn) and get in her car and just start driving. Shaun was not actually part of this plan until like two days before, when she decided that it felt morally weird to her to abandon a baby even if it still didn't really feel like Her Baby.)

(The paranoia actually ends up fucking this plan up for her. She freaks herself out and tries to leave early because she thinks Nate's onto her (he isn't) and then he catches her packing a bag and finally figures out what's going on. They're actively fighting in the nursery and he's trying to prevent her from leaving when the news alert comes on about the bombs. In a weird irony, the war starting when it did was kind of lucky for her, because we were hitting "this is about to escalate, worried neighbors are calling 911" around that point and I'm not really sure what would've happened otherwise.)

Also, on the subject of Nate, she does start to think about killing him a lot. Which, to be fair, she also thinks about when she's more lucid (normal side effect of Nate exposure imo) but for a while there it definitely falls more on the "violent intrusive thoughts/violent impulses" end of the scale than the "morally bad but rational murder fantasy" one. This is actually what spurs her into working on an exit plan, it was either leaving or murder, and one of those is slightly easier to get away with.

She's doing a lot better during the main part of fo4, which is nice. But the fact that she was unwell & not really able to bond with Shaun when he was a baby really contributes to a lot of how she handles the main plotline. She doesn't feel as strongly about what happened as she thinks* she should, and she's not really sure what to do about that. Lying about how much she misses her baby feels wrong, but being honest feels a lot worse.

*thinks that other people think?

[shortkingvi]

gimme ur hot take on tswift/galoyrism (not me trying to get you killed)

my only hot take on taylor currently is just that ttpd is absolute dookie and i’m mad at her for it

gaylorism though???? i’ve told u about this before for SURE but i’ll repeat it here for everyone. i wanna write an academic paper on the following:

essentially, i think the whole gaylor phenomenon comes from a deep desire to queer the american dream. taylor represents the quintessential american who’s allowed to access the american dream: white, cis, straight, attractive, wealthy, popular, able bodied, etc. the only thing that doesn’t fall into the standard qualifications for the dream is her womanhood which is why she relies so heavily on boring neolib white feminism,,,,, a man can shout when a women must only whisper, that kinda shit

for gaylors though, this is insufficient. their major barrier of access to the american dream is typically their queerness; being a - usually - chronically online person means that they need to see a queerness that is not only socially accepted, but celebrated. so, they imagine this distant far off land where taylor comes out one day and it irrevocably shakes the foundation of the mainstream because she’s still the american dream except now she’s queer and that implies so many things for them

i’m not articulating this the best because tummy hurts and tired, but in essence i think that there’s an assumption that an out, queer taylor swift would be a roundabout way of allowing the dominant acceptable americanness metabolize queerness in a way that normalizes it entirely.

i saw a post from one of them once that was like “if taylor really is straight, doesn’t that make everything she does boring and no different from the million other straight stories we’ve heard before?” and like…. you are so close to the point, my love. A: she’s a human person and not a doll for you to dress up, so yeah, it would totally make things boring and unimaginative. but the bigger point is B: you’ve mistaken the fact that she’s always relied on ambiguity about muses as her giving secret hints of some illicit queer romance

she’s the absolute paragon of american cishet acceptability which is why if she were queer, that entirely changes the idea of who gets to access the dream. it’s wild stuff, but with some more research i really think that might be what it is

send me a 🔥 for an unpopular opinion!

[be-the-glenn-to-my-maggie]

You know what? Fuck it. We're talking about the Ikran racing au.

We all know that at some point Spider is getting the green light to get his own ikran. Yeah, It's not going to be done how it's usually is, not by a long shot, but it will happen. The people have seen how much he cares for them and how much they thrust him. Everything will be set up for a given date and just the night before it, Spider will get cold feet. Why? Because while (mostly)everyone thrusts and has faith in him, he himself doesn't. He's full on ready to abort the event before Neytiri catches him. What does she do? you may ask. Well, she silently leads him to top of the tree where her own ikran (I don't remember if you said that Seze was alive in this au, I'm gonna say she is but idk) is waiting, all geared up and ready. Spider will be confused, frozen in place as he looks at Neytiri for any kind of indication to her intentions, only for her to pick him up like a toddler and seat him on the saddle. And before he can even say anything, she'll just say "fly" in her usual tone. Of course, Spider will think she is crazy, try to give and kind of and excuse, but just one look at her very much serious gaze will shut him up. Having no other option, he get's to it, nervously petting the ikran on the neck and asking her not to drop him. Taking a few moments to gather up the courage, he finally gives the verbal command, and their off. The two quickly get used to each other, managing to swiftly fly in the night sky as Neytiri watches with a smirk on her face, unaware of the na'vi behind her sharing her expression 😉.

And that's my little HC of how Spider's first solo flight happened.

If you have any more HC for interactions between Spider and Neytiri (And possibly her ikran) or anything else, please do share. God knows we need more Ikran racing au stuff.

I'll have you know that this ask made me shed real tears. I've been putting it off because I wanted to make sure I articulated the best response to this.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME, this is AMAZING. I had this idea sort of that the other Sully kids, probably Neteyam in the nocorro specific one, realize how much he wants to ride his own ikran. Neteyam brings it up to Kiri and she's like "of course he does you idiot." And then Neteyam finds a way to bring Spider to the ikran nests daily on their flights, and he begins to befriend the ikran there until one in particular stands out.

BUT THIS NEYTIRI IDEA??? Her silent support? I am obsessssed with it. I like the idea of Seze living. In this au, the racing being of such importance seems to me to highlight there not being much of an issue with humanity. They wouldn't have time for racing if there was still major colonization efforts. So, I think Seze being a champion ikran, and her bond with Neytiri being legendary, seems most likely to me. I stated before they are so good in the races because their bond is so strong, because Neytiri insists on doing all of Seze's care herself. Spider's methods, although largely self learned and taught, are somewhat based on Neytiri's methods as well. I said before too, he is the only one she trusts Seze's care to besides herself. Letting him ride her? That is a HUGE step, a massive sign of trust. Ikran fly with one Na'vi in their whole life, and even if Spider is not Na'vi, Seze still would never have flown with anyone else. Neytiri knew he needed to be shown that everyone believed in him wholeheartedly, even the ikran. It's really a beautiful idea, thank you anon. We totally do need more ikran riding au things.

[asterefflores]

I saw the post about angst in your story. I want to put a comment but mine might be just too long and this app is just not ready for it xD, so I drop it here.

For me, the angst in ur story tilts towards the darker side. It's not just sad, unhappy stuff. I don't know how to articulate it in human language (istg), but I find it remarkably balanced and just feels right. It feels fitting, somehow.

Each arc in your story unfolds at the perfect moment, revealing itself in due course (what am i talking about). Tbh, your story might be considered heavy. I said this numerous times already (maybe) but I love the world-building in it (even tho my brain needs to restart every time).

The characters' backgrounds and the reasons why they are in their current state are intriguing. Moreover, although you introduce certain angsts, what I admire is that you never dwell on them excessively. They are relatable, logical, and not exaggerated or cringe-worthy. They are in the right amounts.

It's like, the story holds multiple layers of surprises each time you unveil the answers to the readers' questions of "why." Also, the angst within goes beyond than just sadness, contain/hiding various emotions and elements of irony.

I remember how the other readers and I went crazy (for fun) with theories in the comments when it was first revealed that Cale had a connection to the Secret Kingdom. We all anticipated something light and fluffy, but oh my goodness, jahahshfhf it took a darker turn that caught us off guard in the most unexpected moment. I love that aspect, and the transitions between each arc are incredibly smooth.

I also love every one of your original characters, (wait you already knew this ajshfkh) but duh, I've never had this much love or enthusiasm for fanfic before. I have a huge crush on your art and writing. It's therapeutic for me to see and read them. Thank you for the artwork and stories, even your daily shenanigans at your office @Xwitter are entertaining to follow up. Love isn't enough to describe how fascinated I am with your work.

I know, I throwing so many compliments for you on this one. I can't help it. I hope you don't mind🧍🏻‍♀️if you mind, I'd still going to do it. So I hope you still don't mind.

Please have a good day 🍀 (Please rest...)

I like to keep the characters realistic with logical responses in any case according to their traits and their back stories and whatnot, I don't like dwelling on anything too much in the plot, sure the angst part is important but if used too much it'll ruin the story not only for readers but also for me lol, it'll feel like I'm forcing it on the characters when, logically thinking, they wouldn't stay depressed for long or behave in certain dramatic ways, based on the way their brain works and all.

And yeah, well, my fanfic was indeed meant to be simple at first you know, but I naturally turn any plot I write heavy and dark with time, and it gets worse gradually but I try to hold back and be reasonable before I mess up at some point lolol

I didn't know you find my transitions between each arc smooth, I'm really happy and thank you for letting me know, all this time I stare at my stories and ask myself "Are there even arcs? Isn't it all a mess? Does anyone notice the transition? Is there even a transition?" Then laugh at my own writing and say it is what it is and keep writing anyway while confident that I'm doing everything wrong somehow XD

And you know, when I introduced OCs in my fanfic I was very sure no one gonna care or pay attention to their parts (except maybe my close friend lol) so I'm really glad to see some readers come to love them eventually, though I think Tristan is getting most love than the rest but that's expected considering his character and his role with Roksoo and Cale lol, I expected many readers would hate his role as their father but now the majority is cheering for him xDD

About my office shenanigans, you just made me recall how my followers on Instagram used to like and anticipate my stories about my daily life at work lolol I didn't think anyone would find joy in them also on twitter/X but glad you enjoy my comical work life 🤝🏻

Lastly, ofc I don't mind, at all, you don't know how many times I read your message and made me smile the whole time, thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me 💕💕💕

And I'm trying to rest, I think I'm resting— ok, the fact I don't even know if I'm resting says enough lol but I'm working on it *cough

Thank you again and take care you too, have a good day 🌸🌸

[givehimthemedicine]

What would you rewrite about stranger things on seasons 3 and 4?

interesting question! guaranteed 5 will recontextualize some past stuff, so it's possible some things that aren't so great IMO are actually just because the story is still unfinished. that's often what happens with things I've complained about after a new season drops. but as it stands now:

everyone seems to have beef with 3, but I liked it a lot (definitely in a different way than 1 and 2 though). my main complaint with it, and 4, is the total change in Joyce. 1-2 Joyce is probably in my top 3 characters and 3-4 Joyce barely makes the list. I realize she deserves a life outside of her kids, but her love for her kids is why we fell in love with her. relegating her to a comic relief / icky romantic arc at the total expense of interaction with her kids is a waste of Winona Ryder.

it's the first season so far where Will isn't in acute crisis, but her firstborn child is also right there and had to execute his possessed boss with a pair of scissors after being beaten half to death, maybe he could use some support as well. but shh the magnets are being funny. (yes ik parentifying Jonathan is part of her character, she isn't a perfect mom but she loves him too, can we see it please?)

and I know this show has telekinesis and monsters on it, but Joyce infiltrating an ultra security secret military base and passing as a male Russian solder simply by not speaking was. c'mon. (I'm sure that's there to deliver some themes or parallels if I think about it longer but. on the surface. silly.)

s4: I wish we'd spent more of the El-without-powers time exploring what her actual personality is in ways not directly related to her relationship or powers/heroism/lab plot. again though, that's very much what's going on with her character, and she does have deep foundational traumas she needed to address before anything else. probably I was just eager in 4 for what she isn't ready for until 5.

to combine those two issues, one thing I NEEDED from s4 was a good Joyce/El scene. doesn't have to be something deeply emotional. just a lowkey moment with the two of them, and El getting some mothering. can't believe El literally lived as family with Joyce and all we got was 20 seconds of her angrily eating risotto.

there's a post floating around that said it would've been compelling if El actually liked California and had to choose between her new and old life. I think that's a very interesting idea. the school bullying stuff honestly fell a bit flat for me (important parallels aside) and I'm not sure how to articulate why.

and although I've come to understand the Hopper Russia arc has important themes to deliver as well, it's still on thin ice. I would cut it way down.

I'm sure there's more but yeah it'll be interesting to see how my opinions will change after I've digested 5 and the completed story!

[throttlegainwell]

For the WIP tag game, "Dear Whoever You Are" and "Rainy Day"?

Hi! Thanks for the ask.

Okay, I lied. I can't hold to the 100 words thing. These were both partially-written, but I wrote a little more before sharing here, so win-win.

Dear Whoever You Are

This is the one where Will hears through the grapevine that Lonnie had another kid, so he writes letters (that he doesn't send) in lieu of keeping a journal.

I used to have this really cool place at the edge of the woods. We called it Castle Byers. I don’t even remember which of us had the idea. Just that Jonathan marched me outside to build it the night that Dad left for good, and he patiently instructed and guided me, even though I’m not convinced that he knew much more than I did. By the time we were finished, we had a pretty cool little hideout, private and all for us. Except it was really all for me. He treated it as mine from the moment we finished it—from the moment we started, actually, asking for my opinions and deferring to me on design elements. Encouraging me to articulate my vision, and then helping me to make my vision come true—or as close to it as a twelve-year-old could manage with a couple of basic hand tools, hamstrung by a crying eight-year-old swinging a hammer bigger than his head. I destroyed it. I do that a lot now, breaking things that were good. I wish I hadn’t, always, but wishing never seems to prevent anything. Or protect anyone. Maybe this is why Mike doesn’t write me anymore.

Rainy Day

Okay, I've been dancing around the plot of Rainy Day when I talk about it because I didn't want to make people uncomfortable, but, like, fuck it, this is from the inciting event that drives the plot (but they DON'T actually fuck, I promise, and there is a real plot reason I'm putting them through this beyond "oh hey sex pollen". The incident just happens to make them profoundly uncomfortable and force them to reevaluate some stuff about their relationship dynamics and priorities). Warning for discussion of incest. M rating.

“Don’t take this the wrong way, Will,” Jonathan gritted out, “but I would rather die in screaming agony than fuck you. I would rather remain conscious and aware while the flesh melts off of my bones like the Mind-Flayer’s victims. And you know I mean that, ‘cause I’ve seen it happen.” Will blinked, stunned silent by the uncharacteristic ferocity in Jonathan’s usually soft, gentle voice. “That seems a little harsh.” “Does it?” “Kind of.” Jonathan huffed out a breathless, helpless little laugh. Will was so used to Jonathan being the calm, capable, in-charge one. He’d never seen him on the edge of hysteria like this. The really crazy thing was that the hysteria wasn’t even because he was going to die if they didn’t do something soon—Will was pretty sure that Jonathan could accept death with a disturbing placidity if it meant that Will would be okay. No, the hysteria was because Will actually wanted to do something about it. “Don’t you think it’s selfish to make me watch you die when there’s a way we can help you? To make me lose you?” Jonathan panted through a wave of pain, open-mouthed and disbelieving, before he could catch his breath enough to answer. “Are you actually trying to guilt me into fucking you?” “No,” Will snapped. “Well. Maybe. Okay, I mean. But I think it’s fair. You’re my brother. I care about you, and I want to help you.” “Yeah, well, I don’t. It’s not fair. You are my brother. And this is not gonna happen.” Will screamed in frustration. And then he kicked the tunnel wall so hard, for a second his vision whited out from the pain in his toes. Clods of dirt rained down around them, loose pebbles from the earth catching him on the head and shoulders while dust clouds billowed out. “I don’t want to have sex with you either, you idiot, but I’m willing to do it to save your life!” “Well, I’m not.” Will paused. “Would you do it for me? If it would save my life?” Jonathan got quiet. He didn’t answer, but his face said everything, cagey and dark. “You would, wouldn’t you? You absolute asshole. You hypocrite! You would have sex with me to save my life, but not yours. Why?” “It’s not like this is a scenario I’ve ever envisioned, Will! Tell me how I could possibly have predicted this. Our lives may be fucking crazy, but I don’t exactly wake up in the morning thinking, ‘Gee, maybe today my little brother will beg me to—to fuck him for an ostensibly valid reason. Sure ought to prepare for that eventuality, really dig into the nuances of it.’” He was about to remind Jonathan about that time they’d drugged him, tied him to a bed, and tortured a freaking monster out of him, just to give him some perspective. But he didn’t actually have very clear memories of that night. Mom had exorcised him with a vengeance. Nancy had stabbed him with the hot poker, from what he understood. But Jonathan? Jonathan might very well have crumbled at the thought. “So you would rather I have to watch you die in screaming agony than do this one thing that means I don’t have a new clip for the horror reel I fall asleep to every night,” Will said, quiet and calm, suddenly, because the futility of it all was hitting him full-force now. “That’s what you’re really saying.”

[He gets better! They find another way and do not have to fuck! But it's really uncomfortable for a while after this...]

[loyalhorror]

📽️ - are the alters in your system more distinct or less distinct from each other? / 🎙️ - does the taste in music vary a lot between different alters? / ⚡️ - what does switching feel like for you? does it vary between alters? / 🍭 - how did you pick your system name? / 🍬 - what’s the funniest thing another alter has said to you? (internally or externally communicated)

📽️ - are the alters in your system more distinct or less distinct from each other?

depends on the alter! and our opinion of whether we're more/less distinct from each other also depends on the alter... generally i'd say 'less' rather than 'more' just because so many of us are like. just slightly different copies of the same thing. but like, all the copies of the Sugars are pretty solidly distinct from the copies of Max or HAL, etc... so it's complicated... the host tends to feel that we're all really indistinct, but if max or hal are fronting i think they tend to feel VERY distinct from the host and from each other, so it's like. you know. shrugs. but again... we have so many fragments that are just '[x alter] but slightly to the left', so...

🎙️ - does the taste in music vary a lot between different alters?

hmm, not hugely? there are certain songs/genres some might like more than others (the sugars like female vocalists a lot more than the host does, max likes rough/scratchy yeehaw songs in particular, hal likes instrumentals and video game OSTs...) but generally it's still stuff that we all like to some degree or another.

⚡️ - what does switching feel like for you? does it vary between alters?

varies! usually it's just a kind of slow 'becoming' of another part. kind of like if someone slowly turned the hue slider on your vision to another colour over time, but they did it so gradually that you didn't really notice.

sometimes, mostly in therapy, it's very quick and it's preceded by kind of spacing out/getting "stuck" (so we can't articulate thoughts properly, have a hard time thinking or speaking, and just generally feel kind of out of it and weird) and then we 'unstick' just by kind of realising who we are in that moment. but that's something we had to actively work on and it also requires us to actually be comfortable saying that it's [x alter] to our therapist; if that happens around other people we're more likely to just not realise there's been a switch and feel very weird and out of it.

so, yeah, it's mostly a slow process. and most of the time we don't really get to figure out who we've switched to, or if we've even switched at all.

🍭 - how did you pick your system name?

ummm good question! i'm not actually sure... i think outer wilds inspired it a little? we wanted something that evoked nature imagery since so many of us are creature-coded, but not all of us are (like hal, the dreaming subsystem, etc, they just do not resonate with animals at all). wanted something that also gave the impression of both like, wide open spaces/vastness and complexity...

truth be told we're not really that fond of 'the wilds' anymore, it doesn't feel like it fits right now, but we've yet to find something that does.

🍬 - what’s the funniest thing another alter has said to you? (internally or externally communicated)

not to us but the jellies were talking to a friend of ours not long ago and (in an unusual move, because they dont/cant usually say more than a few words at a time) said "wii remote and SHAKE you" (to indicate that they were putting said friend into a wii remote and lovingly shaking it around) and it still makes me laugh. it's so cute. what the fuck.

-- the sugars. probably.

[noahtally-famous]

td 2023 s2 ep1 spoilers below the cut

(okay so I have not finished s1 but I know the general gist of what happens through mutuals posts and just the td tag lmaoo. maybe later I will actually sit down and watch the whole thing, but that time is not now.)

moving onto my thoughts of s2...

AHHHHHHHH idk how else to explain it but I absolutely LOVED the episode, and honestly I have a feeling I'll love this season, simply bc everyone is so great!!

heck even ripper and chase were tolerable, like, there weren't any fart jokes or anything, it was great!

MKULIA SWEEP???? HELL FREAKING YEAH idc if it's a friendship/alliance, I'm living in my world where they're toxic yuri

Caleb getting some much-needed character development??? I'm SO here for it, and the stuff mentioned during the episode def fits the kinda vibe I have going for him, so that's even better!! (potential caleb & emma friendship??? they can bond over kittens and of caleb being emotionally mature)

also his reactions to the team choosing was gold, I can't wait to see what A-Game he's gonna bring. I'm hoping he doesn't become a version of justin--I just want him to want to be a useful teammate and person for his team/friends/competitors and want to win as well. no overly crazy 'tda justin' villanry pls?? (I mean, I won't be averse to it if it does end up happening, but it'd be cool if things changed up this time around)

CHEMMA BROKE UP THANK FRICKING GOD, our prayers have been answered!! please please PLEASE have them stay broken up

raj & wayne on the same team again!! I was not expecting that tbh, but I'm curious to see where this goes

rajbow is so adorable, like bowie not even letting chris finish before he immediately picks raj first for his team is so 🥹

ngl chase is still a dumbass but now that chemma is out of the way, I mean it affectionately, I can't bring myself to hate any of the characters and that trend isn't going to stop here. that moment when he ran at granny hatchet and bowie was like "I don't believe it, I think he's gonna make it" like that scene was insane

damien is amazing as always, no words need to be said. manifesting a final two involving him

NICHELLE. FUCKING NICHELLE. GOD I CANNOT ARTICULATE HOW MUCH I ADORE HER HERE!! saving the best for last goddammit, I love her so so so so much, omfg the way she slayed the challenge, pls I'm so hyped for her character development this season, I can't wait for the other contestants to eat their words abt her

axel trying to 'be nice' ("i'm a work in progress" yes you are but you're doing amazing) but acting like an ass to ripper is something I live for. "I'm not following you, we're running in the same direction!" LMAOOOO

the fact that priya doesn't hold any resentment toward her parents still irks me, but I still love her character and I'm excited to see what's in store for her

GRANNY HATCHET SLAYED, 'NUFF SAID

I'm still hoping for some axelle content, but I'm more than happy with the mkulia servings we got

I'm lowkey interested in scary girl's change of character. I feel like this wont be the last we see of her--will she be like an amy and swim back to the island to enact revenge? or will she be like ezekiel and live on the island in secret? or will she be a secret third thing? I sure as heck don't know but I can't wait to find out!! her parting words def seem ominous enough to imply something

speaking of, scary girl's change of character and when she talked abt how she became "normal" everyone's reactions were sending me lmaooo

bowie going "you're never right" to chase but is the one to choose chase on his team, like yes dude frrr that frenemy whiplash was wack lmaoo I love it

same with bowie choosing julia, like yes we love to see two manipulative competitive strategists banding together

on a different note, I wonder what will come of bowie and emma's friendship from s1 and how that broke apart. maybe they could rekindle it in s2? hmmm

zee and their suitcase of sodas 😭

"she's an animal" OKAY MK TONE IT DOWN (pls don't, actually pls continue doing it) YOU'RE NOT HELPING MY MKULIA CASE HERE

millie being priya's first pick >>>

"what strategy? you just stop and run, it's not rocket surgery" 😭 I used to dislike ripper, but if he continues on like this, that opinion will def change. it's only been the first episode and I already don't dislike him anymore so-

MORE MKULIA P L E A S E IM HOPING

chris is still 'tdi chris' aka the b e s t chris imo, and I'm here for it!! also chef and chris's dynamic is still spot-on

in conclusion, im so very excited for what this season will bring!! in case you didn't realize, I LOVED the first episode!

[sharkneto]

do you think five is sometimes childish? like in the comics when he sometimes acts like a child. mayb some headcanons about it?

I think in the show, not directly - Aidan does an insane job acting as a mature, 58 year old man.

As a headcanon? Yeah. I've talked around it a bit in some of my fics, but I do think Five has a lot of growing up to do. I think there's a not-insignificant part of him that's sort of stuck at 13. How could there not be, when he had no one around him to help him actually grow up and mature for 40 years?

This is not to be confused with him being a child or fully acting like a child. He is first and foremost a fully grown, middle-aged man. He has adult interests, he is capable and can take care of himself, he should be treated as and respected as an adult. He is Old and he is Tired. But I think it's more along the lines of that he's horrendously ignorant in how the world works, how to socialize, how to be an actually functional person. All those little lessons he missed out on because he was tragically trapped in the apocalypse. It's in those little nothing trips you go on with parents or friends or whatnot where you learn how a car wash works or how to make an appointment. It's all those cringe lessons we learn in middle and high school, figuring out how to fit in and find and make friends as we get older. It's those first few years in college, moved out from home and having to manage money and feeding ourselves and being fully responsible for ourselves.

The only real practice he's had with any of that was at the end of the world, where he's scavenging and literally everything was his because everyone else was dead, and with Delores, who is just him and doesn't exist. His only conversation partner was someone who already knew what was going on in his head so he didn't have to learn to really articulate his thoughts. If something didn't come out right, he could just handwave "ah, you get it" and Delores would get it because she is him.

I think everyday conversations, small talk, is so outside of Five's wheelhouse. His communication skills are Not Good. Big things? Big things that deal with consequences and time and his experience with all the fucked up shit he's had to do? He can do that. A nothing conversation with a sibling that winds for half an hour and no one is really saying anything? Absolutely not, what the fuck are they even talking about? Anything that has to deal with emotions and talking through them and identifying them is also so beyond him. The guy hasn't done any self reflection to figure out what he's feeling for decades (what's the point? He feels bad? Well, he's in the apocalypse and his family is dead, of course he feels bad. What more could there possibly be to it.) This is all stuff, for a lot of people, we learn and figure out how to do and communicate as we grow up, get to be adults, and go to therapy. For sure Reggie wasn't teaching them how to communicate well and to be in touch with their emotions, and Five absolutely did not get anything on that front when he was alone at the end of the world or getting used and abused at the Commission.

As to acting like a child, it has been a minute since I read the comics so I can't off the top of my head think of specifics (except for his Child Disguise during his corporate espionage phase which I Adore). But headcanons for show!Five, I think it comes down to more allowing himself to have random shit for no reason, have comfort items. As a 26-year-old adult, I have plushies and impulse buy little odds and ends regularly because I Like Them. I think allowing himself to have things that might come across as childish is a big hurdle for Five, because he's desperate for people to not see him as a child when he looks like one. Relaxing and letting himself Be is his first step, which is a thing a lot of us all learn, too. I, at least, had a phase in my early 20s, after I graduated college, where I cleaned house on explicitly fandom things and any plushies or whatnot I had were For Decoration. I was an adult and I thought my surroundings should reflect that. Now I have a cow ottoman in my living room that I think is technically for children because I'm embracing my accidentally cowboy-themed living room and also I wanted the cow ottoman.

I got sidetracked, there, but what I'm trying to get at is that part of growing up is figuring out what you like, don't like, and vibing with that and letting yourself just do that. Five has no fucking clue what he likes and doesn't like. He's never had a chance to really explore that or had resources to spare to do so. Any kindness he did for himself that wasn't Directly Survival Related, he pawned off reasoning as "being for Delores". Things can just be for him, now.

The growing up Five has to do is all hinged on learning how the modern world works and figuring out who he is as a person, outside of being an Academy member, an apocalypse survivor, and a Commission assassin - none of which are things he had a choice about. Who is Number Five when he gets a say in it? It's less of a "he's like a kid!" and more "these are the things he's fifty years behind in, developmentally, and he has some catching up to do".

(If this ramble got incoherent, because whups yeah, you can find these headcanons poking out in my fics like The Zoo Is Better When It's Not All Dead, Simple, and A Rusty Cog)

[nihilizzzm]

Fifteen questions for fifteen mutuals

Got tagged by @fenharel-enaste 🧡🧡 thank u so much!!

Are you named after anyone? No, would be dope tho

Do you have kids? No and I do not plan to

Do you use sarcasm a lot? Yeah, I think it’s visible in some of my posts. I have a dry sense of humour, sarcasm suits it well

When was the last time you cried? Recently for sure. I cry a lot. Maybe two days ago?

What is the first thing you notice about other people? The manner of speech. There is something about how a person articulates and tends to formulate sentences that can tell a lot about them

Eye colour: I will die saying it’s blue, but some people say it’s grey

What sports do you/have you played? I danced for 12 years, never was very good at it but as a hobby it was cool as fuck. Had to give it up because of school and injury. Also I love skiing and I am good at it tbh

Any special talent? I can bend my fingers in weird directions and I can click (that’s the best word I can use really 😭) my knees

Where were you born? Southern Poland

Scary movies or happy ending? Both. I am a whore for a good horror movie, love them, I am watching those as my comfort movies. But also I am a big happy endings enjoyer. I like when fiction is ending well because life is a bitch and let me be delusional with my happy endings 🤩

Do you have any pets? Nope, used to have gerbils and my dream is a cat, but I am not financially ready for that

How tall are you? 169cm, around 5’6,5’’ (or so does google say)

What are your hobbies? Writing, creating cursed art, acting, reading, playing games, scrolling tumblr, nerdy stuff generally

Favourite subject at school? Literature studies and history

Dream job? History teacher, either high school or maybe trying to get a degree to work at university. And like dream-dream job is to own a cafe

—

Thanks so much for tagging once again, I had so much fun answering those.

tagging with no pressure :>> @ass-deep-in-demons @horsewithaface @aroace-moron @frodothefair @hippodameia

[beatcroc]

@midnightcityx0x0 I'm not reblogging that fuckmassive post AGAIN but this got too long for a reply so. On its own post now

Anyway i actually have so much trouble thinking of anything for gustavo ever lmao. Everything i have for him I've adopted from other people; rem [brickattack] as mentioned on the big post, and @synthlet/softersynths for a lot of other things. [and a couple others too but iirc synths was the one who started those ppl on it as well gfjdjds] which is to say, you'd probably get better/more interesting answers from those guys :p but yeah, fp and gus are pretty close. It's the general exposure/familiarity, the fact that fp is just a happy/pleasant and easy-to-like dude personality-wise, and for gus specifically there's also a level of "he shares a lot of traits with peppino, without peppino's Baggage™"

that last point is very very interesting but i dont know if i'd Actually get to doing a lot with it bc i typically make fake pep His Own Guy, with his similarities to peppino being almost sort of coincidental. i really really really like coming at peppino and fake pep from the "equals and opposites" angle, which like, that Can still apply for that last bit abt gus, but it's not something i've put a lot of thought into. it's also just fuckin hard to articulate outside of just showing it lmao. [i mentioned like, predator/prey animal nervousness + their reactions to fear vs aggression on the other post but to pull one for here: fake pep still has his own brand of Baggage to deal with too--different stuff than peppino's--but fp is way more open about it when it comes up as opposed to peppino having 50 fuckin walls about everything.

besides that, i also see a lot of general banter about gus being a very Nature Guy™ who likes to find beauty in all the weird fucked up shit nature does [especially in a world as cartoony as theirs], which i enjoy a lot bc girl same. fp may be the farthest thing from natural, but i certainly think there is a lot of beauty to be found in his fucked-up-ness. and i'm sure gustavo sees it too.

and then a fun one i've come into pretty recently for them is that they both care abt peppino a lot, but peppino is very bad at...being cared for. so because you can rarely approach pep directly about anything if it involves vulnerability [again: 50 fuckin walls], and because they both know him very well in different ways and can get through to him about different things, they end up working together a lot in sort of a conspiratory way. plotting scheming etc. 'have you noticed anything wrong lately + how are we going to help this guy out today', that sort of thing. the idea there can go a lot of ways but i'm partial to them using like goofy cartoon antics to set him up for something that'll be beneficial to him. [also brick is in on it too technically but brick is a rat and therefore only sapient when it's funny.] peppino rarely realizes what theyre doing until it's too late. get loved idiot

TANGENTIAL. DONT even get me started on the angst oh my god. you. i am pointing at you you made me think about this. i am not usually one who likes doing angst or making things excessively bad for the hell of it but. a bitch may be considering. under cut bc its unrelated to gustavo stuff but this is as good an excuse as any to share. [+ also extra thoughts on it bc of COURSE]

so i said that at the end there but then a few hours later i found myself toying around with a script and getting a good way to set it up.... im hoping i hit a roadblock on it and drop it because if i DO end up getting it all the way written i will definitely end up drawing it at some point and that would be uh... a big undertaking. it would also be one of the last ones i do bc there's other stuff i still want to build on, so IF, i cannot stress enough IF i go to make it a thing for real, it won't be this year.

for the bits i have so far though it's interesting how much it's shaping up to be like. a showcase of just how well peppino knows fp. which is surprisingly well? even better than gus, despite gus' being WAY more emotionally perceptive. peppino doesn't engage with fp more than necessary and rarely acts interested in his business, but i do think he spends a lot of time just... observing him. if only because pep is neurotic and anxious and fp is weird and freaky so it is a constant thing of "ok what the hell is this. is this something i need to be worried about?" whenever fp is doing shit, and the answer is always ''no'', but it's the sort of instinct that never leaves you yknow. so he's just very familiar with all fp's mannerisms and reactions and whatnot, even if he doesn't really use that knowledge much.......except when things go south. he's a lot more perceptive of fp acting 'wrong' or 'off' compared to gus, who would just be seeing it on a more normal 'aw he looked upset' kind of level.

i talk a lot abt fp's nervousness but the other negative thing that's just as strong with him is frustration. it doesn't usually get to him too bad, and he doesn't really show it around people outside of the occasional eyeroll; but it's stuff like not being able to communicate properly with anyone and getting constantly [negatively] misinterpreted; knowing he's Kinda Shite at his "purpose" [i.e. being 'better peppino' or whatever] and not being able to do anything about it [i don't think he cares about that much any more but i imagine it's still gotta be a bit annoying to remember]; not getting closure for like Anything that happened at the tower, etc... and while i DON'T think this would be the kind of thing to make him go berserk [i still don't really have any idea or framing for that lol; the script starts off a couple weeks in the aftermath and i pointedly don't do flashbacks], it's definitely the kind of thing that would get exacerbated by isolation. the kind of thing that's easy to focus on and spiral about without anyone to ground him; the kind of thing that could keep him from thinking clearly and he might just need to Take It Out on something after awhile.

peppino remains a terrible mediator but he is wildly resilient and tenacious, and if you need a guy to slap some sense into you... i mean he can very literally do that, and do it better than just about anyone.

[gg-carboxylase]

Got ahold of Step by Step episode 12. We needed 2 more episodes as usual with these series.

If you've not watched the show, please do. It's worth your time, even if you feel like you're wading thru the first few episodes. It's slow burn. This is not horny hours. This is really office hours.

Spoilers under the cut obvs.

Some meta. Mostly my opinions.

I wrote that paragraph before the Mildly Spicy Bed Makeout. I kind of enjoy that Jeng shooed Pat to the shower For Reasons. At least, I personally infer bottom reasons but that's just me. Still, I would have liked more spice à la Bed Friend, but I'm a thirsty ho.

I'll get this admission off my chest — I'm bummed that we got those really spicy kisses and that's as far as it went. KP and Domundi productions spoiled me, obviously. Did I want to see them fake fuck? Yeah. I'll admit it.

The scene where they were writing out then deleting their text messages was acted to perfection.

Hot take — Ben is the worst ugly crier. We love him anyway.

Jeng is a stalker, he needs to learn to go less hard. He also needed to resign like, 2 years earlier from the company. Good for him though. Dad is hot. Shame he's a homophobe.

I am super over people singing in the shows, no matter how good they are.

I love that Jeng's passion is cooking.

You can tell this is a real Thai show because when they show that green curry, it's real green curry even if it's store bought. It's hard to find good green curry paste over here unless you're in certain places.

Jeng's mom — what was the point of a 30 second meeting. Ben is so good at being nervous and young, he's really a great actor.

The chemistry is off the charts in this episode, good Christ. They obviously had fun shooting the cake scene.

Jeng better have a hell of a savings if he's returning all his shares to his dad and putting his hopes on his restaurant.

The restaurant biz is a bitch. I grew up in the restaurant business and the margins are razor thin, even in famous and successful restaurants. Hopefully, Pat's advertising firm is doing well.

Seriously, again. Needed another couple episodes. Especially with how Jeng's dad tossed his resignation letter.

I know Man said this would be his only BL, but I would really like to see them do another show together. They really got their shit together at the end and it's rare to see a couple that can have this kind of chemistry.

The age difference works really well between them, it's comfortable — which isn't there for a lot of decade+ couples — and there's a lot of plots where this could be used. So let's manifest that.

I have no idea what the fuck Man does for a living, so I'm not sure if he's even free to do another series. Dude has an econ degree, which means nothing (no offense econ folks, you guys are like Swiss army knives). I suspect he's a mini Mile Phakphum, and just sort of exists on the largess of his family and his modeling career.

I very much liked this series. It's definitely in my list of favorites. For me, it started out rocky because I didn't understand what it was trying to do. Looking back, now that I see what the aim is, the path it took is perfect.

Would I have liked more sex? Absolutely, but as I mentioned before — I'm a thirsty ho. These lads get paid more than I make as a clinical lab scientist, spending my day making your doctor look smart. A little bed shenanigans isn't too much to ask.

Alas, I can't complain too much. The kisses we got were A+, top-tier compared to nearly any other series. The physical stuff we did get was also A+. Truly, my complaints are mostly unfounded. We could have ended up with Korean level bullshit.

I'm not going to bother with meta about the story because there's users here that are far better at articulating exactly what I want to say, so troll the tag for them.

[rot--mutt]

okay need to put my tma thoughts down somewhere because hyperifxation has consumed me.

anyways im... not quite to ep 100 yet? dont remember exactly which ep im on but anyways. i am... so intrigued. i kinda already know all the fear entities because ive seen them about in stuff, cant recall all of them off the top of my head though. umm..... trying really hard to figure out where this goes. i wanted to put down some guesses in this post (don't know if ill actually post it or save to drafts but i digress) but my mind is blank bc it's overrun with the hyperfixation.

curious to see if the worms from the infestation come back again. realllly want to meet some of the other avatars. trying to figure out if the Eye does anything outside of the Institute, if it claims all institute employees (unlikely) or only certain ones (more likely). Trying to figure out what "protections" the archives have that everyone references whenever it goes to shit. I find it kinda funny that Tim and Martin both went to corridor realm but haven't been reclaimed??? I'm sure theyve left the archives since then and havent been 100% safe but maybe they've both been wary about unfamiliar doors. idk. trying to figure out what the Not!Them are associated with. they seem like they could be with Distortion but my first inclination was Stranger. maybe both??? maybe certain... beings are outside the realm of distinct categories. I know that people talk about Martin and Jon being gay together, beginning to wonder if it's ever going to happen on screen, ehhh.... or on tape if you will. i really can't keep track of most of these characters so i can't put together more articulate, well, guesses, i think calling these theories would be a bet of an overstatement. hell ive barely even guessed with most of these, can't really organize my thoughts well enough for guessing these days (but that's a whole other post).

current favorite characters are Michael and Jon bc im predictable. Also their interactions with other characters are top-tier, the others are bit.... boringly polite to each other.

uhhh yeah! TMA cool, excited to see where it goes. will probably immediately re-listen and write out a loose timeline and list of character profiles.